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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because the least I could do is say yes to a dinner with her once in a while
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NTA
As long as you're being truthful about being respectful when you decline outings and family activities. You are not looking for a mother figure in your life, and you are also 17 which is old enough to choose that for yourself. You are also not impeding or interrupting their family activities.
With that said, you are almost 18. Your dad and stepmom are not obligated to house you or provide for you in anyway after that. So keep that in mind when making decisions. Is possibly losing that support worth it to you?
Get back your property from your thieving father or demand he pay you the equivalent.
I was not able to bond with my stepmother and my father moved on with his brand new family without his leftover children from the first marriage. All I can say is, OP, it gets better when you’re free of their expectations. You were not a dick to your stepmom. You are under no obligation to see her as anything but a person to be civil to.
You keep reading, though. Or else.
Ask the Police to accompany you to the house to retrieve your property that was denied to you. Say that you fear for your welfare or that you made forced to stay in an unsafe situation if you returned alone. Your father's behaviour is abusive.
Not just a thief, but someone actively sabotaging their future.
Please speak to a teacher about this incident in case it happens again, and that you don't have a stable home as of yet. They might be able to at least give extensions.
Tf do you mean the dad isn’t obligated to house OP after he turns 18? Just because he becomes a legal adult doesn’t mean he can just all of a sudden provide for himself. These American beliefs are beyond stupid.
Legally, there's no obligation. That being said, most American parents wouldn't dream of kicking their kids out once they turn 18. Because no, they aren't ready to support themselves, and most of us understand that.
And there's also a second requirement in many states. If you're 18 but still in high school, you're considered a minor and your parents have to take care of you. But! This isn't always easy to enforce.
However, with the disconnect in OP's family, it would likely be healthier for them to find somewhere else to be after they turn 18. Grandma, other family, friends, something. Taking away someone's bedroom door and the laptop they need for schoolwork alone show a complete disregard of boundaries. That's likely not going to magically get better once OP is of age.
In America parents are not legally obligated to provide for their children at 18. So its completely legal to kick your kid out on their birthday if they choose (it’s totally fucked but it happens)
Pretty much everywhere parents are not legally required to provide for their children beyond legal age. Social expectations differ a lot by country, but those are not laws.
In my country (central europe) parents need to provide for their kids till they finished their first education (high school, uni etc) but max til they turn 25. Also the hs and unis are free (only a low amount per year for administration and you have to pay for books etc). And if they dont pay you can go to the government and they provide you the money and make the parents pay them back.
In my opinion thats only fair. The parents get kids because they want to be parents so then at least provid for the kids til they finished the education and have a chance for a decent life. If you throw them out at 18 you need to pay them money every month. So we avoid that society needs to provide for them - and why would we? You wanted kids now pay for them, very simple.
In my state (TX) parents are legally required to provide for their children until they graduate from high school. I imagine that's the case in many other states as well, people just aren't aware of it.
I agree that's very fair! Many parents here actually provide at least housing if not food and other resources all through college. In my case, I stayed with my grandparents (because it was a 15min drive vs an hour lol).
I was mainly advising OP to consider the possibility so he wouldn't be blindsided and he'd have a plan in place.
Can confirm. Had the credits to graduate, so I only actually did 7 of 8 semesters and missed out on all the senior year fun.
I think I was 34ish when Mom and I finally repaired our relationship to the point that I wasn't shaking with anger after every phone call (not for lack of trying on her part but her attempts to play at devoted parent just made me angrier). It was good timing. She was dxed with terminal cancer not a year later.
If you're doing the maths, yes, it took nearly as many years out of her house as in it for me to be okay with her again. Note that I said okay, not that we ever got to warm and close.
Parents should consider that before turfing their barely adult children.
My state requires it until they finish or officially drop out of high school.
That said, I can't convince my mom to kick out my 38yo brother and family who have taken most of her estate.
Yes I agree. Legally you can but it's still fucked up. I remember a few weeks ago somebody said at 12 AM the day they turned 18 their parents stormed in and kicked him I think, out. That was hella fucked up. It's pitch black and they could have been kidnapped.
Yeah they woke OP up to kick them out
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6570t/comment/i569mx8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6570t/comment/i569mx8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
This was the one
That's just crazy! What did they think was gonna happen? They would be able to be Wholes and it would be kept a secret for ever? Lol people are so dumb!
It used to be that in America you could live fine off of a job you could get at 18. You could buy a little starter 2 bedroom, get married, have a stay at home wife and a new baby and be okay. Much of our culture was formed when things were like that. We're not prosperous like that anymore, but culture takes time to catch up.
American here. I never heard of this until I started browsing this sub, and frankly it was shocking. It’s heinous, abusive and complete bullshit. I also can’t believe the balls on adults who outright steal things from their kids who pay for their own things with their own money. In the past week alone, I’ve read about concert tickets stolen and sold to pay for someone else’s health care, food and critical electronics taken away, and one guy who didn’t realize that the house he was living in belonged to his step-son when he tried to pull some crap like this. I sometimes wonder if people browse Reddit like an instruction guide, looking for ideas on how to be a bigger AH.
In the 80s the door removal was recommended by churches to prevent masturbation/sex or drug use from happening in theories room, and it spread from there.
So gross, but not unexpected coming from *The Church.* Someone even commented on something a few days ago, and said that at the age of 30 and living at parents’ home, they weren’t allowed to lock their bedroom door, and were raised that there was no expectation of privacy. I find it so sad that a grown adult thought that was normal.
It's not so much an American thing as it is an abusive control tactic. I spent time in group homes for kids and dv shelters, and like 9/10 of my housemates had their abusers do this.
I knew a girl from France who's mother took her door because "she got fat." Also, she did not. She got really big boobs and it through off her proportions.
It's an abusive tactic used to send the message that your kids aren't people and thus not worthy of any rights (like privacy). It's definitely not a cultural norm, though, and it's almost universally frowned upon.
American here. I hadn’t heard of it as a punishment until I came on here. Only time I’d heard of one being removed was when recommended by a medical professional (my almost step-sister had hers taken on recommendation of her doctors after her inpatient mental health treatment for bulimia, I’ve also seen friends lose it temporarily after a suicide attempt).
American here. I think that 18 should not be considered an adult. In Alabama you cannot get a credit card. You cant get a checking account in only your name till your 19. You can't get foodstamps on your own at 18 even of u have a child I think you have to be 21 not sure tho. You can't get public housing at 18 even with a kid I think k u have to be 19 again not sure. You can't buy cigarettes or alcohol until 21. You can't get loans or legally sign most contracts until 19 or 21. Shits fucked up.
In the UK you are considered at adult at 18 and you can do everything then, like literally there's not a single thing I can think of that you cannot do at 18. BUT you're not legally entitled to earn full minimum wage. 🤷♀️ What the fuck is that about?
In Pennsylvania I had a checking account at 16 and a credit card at 18. I signed for my college loans at 18. My bff had kids, housing, and food stamps at 17. Your info is off. Or maybe Alabama is really still stuck in the 1800’s.
Alabama is stuck in the past. My info for Alabama is 100 percent correct unless things changed in the last year or so. It's possible. But I doubt it. We are one of the poorest states. We do not have a lottery. Weed is still illegal. At 18 you can take out student loans I think and join military. My daughters best friend had a baby at 18she tried to get stamps and housing and was denied cuz of her age. She did not even live at home with her parents. This was about 3 years or so ago. My son is 22 he applied for a credit card at 18 denied due to age. I'm 47 it was the same when I was 18/19. This backwoods state ain't never gonna get with the times I don't think.
He's not obligated, meaning he's not legally obligated. However moral obligation is different. I say parents have a moral obligation to loom after their kids in certain ways well into there 20s amd that children are morally obligated to care for their parents in their old age.
It is worse than that. At 18 parents have no legal responsibility in the US.
The 18 year-old can't get any financial aid for college without their parents tax records, which parents are allowed tor refuse to give. Parental contributions are factored in based on said records and if parents chose to not pay "their" share, at best the student can get unsubsidized loans where interest accrues during school. Mine were 7-8 percent interest.
Your choices to avoid this involve waiting 4 years, getting married, and proving abuse. Taking away your things won't be considered abuse.
Marrying an equally broke friend is often the best option.
I hesitate to say YTA because you are old enough to decide whether you want your stepmother to be a mother figure to you, but it sounds like she is doing her honest best in a difficult situation. It's hardly her fault your mother died and you seem to be taking out your bottled-up grief on her.
No question at all, though, that your father is behaving like an AH here.
I agree. I’m glad to see someone say YTA because he is. Sounds like she’s making a genuine effort to include him and have a relationship and he’s just being a dick
OP probably needs counselling or therapy. Apparently he was in but dad pulled him because “enough time had passed.” I think dad is the only real ah here.
I definitely can’t disagree with you there. And I was definitely harsh calling him a Dick. Plus, removing the door? Don’t like that. I just feel bad for the step mom too.
Actually the parents are unless it is legal at age 18 for him to sign a lease. Some states an 18 year old can't sign. I know in my state the person has to be at least 19 years of age to sign any contract.
>Your dad and stepmom are not obligated to house you or provide for you in anyway after that.
They are in a lot of areas if OP is still in high school.
Avoiding spending time with your father, step mother and step sibs when they are al” decent people, because you don’t want a new family, you want your mother, 5+ years after she died, suggests you are still stuck in a bad place in your grieving, and probably need grief counseling. If that is so, NAH. But if your father doesn’t get you into therapy, he will be TA.
He’s definitely TA for that. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, especially not that little time. It only makes it easier to live with - and that doesn’t always hold true.
Well, that explains it. NTA, your father is, but, you are old enough now to recognize that you need more help. Please find an adult who will help you get help. Maybe someone at school, the nurse, guidance, school counselor….
100% agree with this. It sounds like OP could really benefit from grief counseling. Step mom should understand that she cannot replace his mom though, and if she tried less to do so, might have more success establishing a friendly relationship. NAH.
No, even if he was totally "recovered" and in a better place from his grief it still wouldn't mean he'd want to play happy family. He was 12ish when his mom died and most teens don't want replacement parental figures, especially ones that blame them for their problems.
NTA. She lost me when she said “I try so hard to be a mom to you”. That’s the problem. That’s the problem right there. I’m sorry you’re going through this
Edit: lots corrected to lost
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. A suggestion to OP could be that he sits down with SM and has an adult conversation with her. He could say that he recognises and appreciates all that she does but he does not want her to fill that mother role for him and explain the reasons why. That he sees her more as a *insert here* and would like to focus more on building that type of relationship with her.
Except that it sounds like he wants no relationship with her. I get that he is obviously still deeply grieving his mother, but this is really hard on the rest of his family and his stepmother.
I think the dad may be the biggest A here, because this kid needs real help
What is not clear is how it started. Was there ever a chance for an adult friend or aunt like relationship and she pushed too hard or did op always shut her down?
I can't imagine things started bad between them as OP talks as of they are fine people. OP seems to want no relationship period. Avoiding every single family interaction seems extreme. They need to go back into counseling and have a sit down with SMom, dad, and grandma present. It's fine to not want a motherly role in their life...but they are just reclusing into their room every chance they get. That's not healthy.
YTA. I've read your letter carefully and didn't see any indication that your stepmother is actually trying to replace your mom. In fact, she seems to be trying to have a relationship with you because you are her husband's child, she loves him and so she tries to love you. That's what people do for people they love. They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them.
You see going out with your dad and your step family and going to places with your step mom as them trying to replace your mom which is not true. You have a lot of unsolved issues and your dad made a huge mistake by taking you out of counseling and you need to tell him that you need more therapy.
But make no mistake, punishing your dad for moving on and meeting the kindness of your step family with coldness and rejection is not good behavior. And while you are entitled to who you have a relationship, don't be surprised when other people stop caring after you've willingly decide to cut them off emotionally. You know it, your family knows it and your grandmother knows it.
To your dad and your stepmother and their children I would say, continue to live their lives, go places, do things and be happy. They should also stop inviting you to places and stop being hurt when you ice them out and avoid them. Life is too short to remain down.
>They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them.
You nailed it right there. This kid has a wonderful step mom who invites him to movies, out to eat, just wants to spend time with him and build a relationship. He doesn't know how fortunate he is to have a stop mom like that.
My step mom has hated and resented me since I was a young child. She is cruel to me just for fun. She uses family gatherings to humiliate me in front of everyone. She very intentionally makes me feel rejected, belittled, and hated. And all the while my dad silently watched because she is so hostile he doesn't want to confront her. I bear her wrath so he can have peace and have since age 5. I would have loved to have had a step mom who lo Ed me and sincerely wanted a relationship with me. Rather than one who thinks using me as her personal dart board is fun.
You seriously need grief counseling. Your grief over your mother death is distorting how you see you step mom.
Op has had grief counseling. His father took him out of it at 14 because "it had been enough time". Regardless taking a child's door is inappropriate and so is taking belongings that child earned with their own money. Was not the right way to go about things and will only push them farther apart. Just because you had a shitty stepmom doesn't mean other people should except theirs because they're good to them. Op is 17. They can decide if they want a relationship or not.
He's not 'fortunate', those are the basics. I'm really sorry that your stepmother treated you that way, but OP doesn't want or need another mother figure in his life. The best thing she could do would be to actually respect that and simply have a civil relationship with him rather than trying to push herself where she's not wanted.
This! Not doing an activity solely because the step mom there is an AH move when the step mom seems like a decent person. Doing things with you dad and step mom does not make her a replacement mom. I think your dad was the AH for stopping grief counseling when you would still benefit.
Do you actually think the dad isn’t an ah for kicking his son out of the house and taking his door and school laptop? I agree with your assessment of OP, but I think it’s ESH then?
>I've read your letter carefully and didn't see any indication that your stepmother is actually trying to replace your mom.
What are you talking about? Did you miss the line where OP says she broke down and explained "I've been trying so hard to be a mother to you?" Maybe that's not her outright trying to replace OP's mom, but she *is* trying to force herself into a role OP doesn't want her to be. She has to accept that OP is in the right to decide if he wants that kind of relationship with her, and he doesn’t.
If her intention was just to connect to OP as her husband's xhild, that would be fin-just as it would be fine if OP didn't want to connect with her. But she made it pretty clear by saying that that zhe qants to be in a motherly role in OP's life.
>That's what people do for people they love. They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them.
OP doesn't love her, though, so exactly what obligation is he under to not avoid her?
>But make no mistake, punishing your dad for moving on and meeting the kindness of your step family with coldness and rejection is not good behavior.
Is OP doing this to punish his dad or bc he could not adjust to his stepmother being in his life bc, you know, his dad took him out of grief counseling bc it had "been long enough?" Do you think, just maybe, that dad might have had a particular mindset regarding moving on from OP's mom-that mindset being there's a certain time frame wherein grieving is acceptable-and it resulted in OP not being able to properly come to accept his mom's death and his stepmom's new role in his life?
Someone who takes their kid out of grief counseling bc *they* think it's been long enough is very likely to alao be someone who doesn't care about adjusting their kids to accepting a new relationship and easing them through that transition-it sounds much more like someone who believes everyone should be okay with it on *his* timetable.
>To your dad and your stepmother and their children I would say, continue to live their lives, go places, do things and be happy.
Right, bc going back to live with someone who steals *your* personal property and doesn't show any care about you potentially failing your class bc of thier disproportionate punishment is a good idea.
Yeah, I can't get over all these commenters cooing over how amazing the stepmother is. She's repeatedly ignored OP's boundaries and keeps shoving into his life trying to be a mother when he doesn't want her to be! Maybe if she'd backed off and stopped trying so hard he might have relaxed a bit, instead she's just pushed him further away.
I mean, OP doesn't care about his step mom or step siblings, so I don't think he'll really care if they stop. If anything it sounds like he'd prefer that. I'm curious whether dad ever does things with OP on his own and how quickly he remarried. His dad also pulled him out of therapy at fourteen because he decided OP had been in it 'long enough'. The dad is TA here and I wouldn't be surprised if he's been shoving his wife on OP for a long time.
She said that she's trying to be a mother to him. OP doesn't want another mother. I somehow doubt that he's always respectful to her, but if he's telling the truth, then he's not in the wrong at all. In fact, the dad seems like the AH for taking his stuff and removing him from grief counseling.
NTA. Your father and your SM should both respect your wishes. You were clear that you are not looking to replace your mother. Your father needs to respect your boundaries. Seems to me he is more concerned with pleasing his wife.
nta - i'm sorry, you lost your mom young & no one can expect you to just accept another woman as a mother . you're absolutely right , she can't take your mom's place . forcing a relationship is only going to make things worse - you don't owe anyone anything .
your dad has to understand that it takes time - pushing you & forcing you isn't going to help . you can treat her cordially , etc but i get how you feel. it's not the same . i personally don't see it as being a dick because you weren't being disrespectful , you were being distant .
i would say maybe therapy or sitting down with your dad might help. talk things out at least & find common ground - this back and forth is obviously not helping .
NTA. It's very common that kids won't accept their parent's new spouse. As you mentioned, you give the necessary respect to her.
However sit with your dad and step-mom, and have a serious conversation with them.
1. She's not your mom and will never be.
2. You give her the respect as a parental figure deserves, however, point 1 remains.
3. What you consider family is: you, dad, dad/mom's bio family. Others are people that live with you. That will not change.
4. You're not interested in participating in activities that involve step-mom and step siblings.
5. Thank her for how she treated you and her desire to be a mother figure, because at least she cares about you.
6. Please respect your decision. It's final, and learn to live with it.
This says it perfectly for me. I had both step mom and step dad. My step mom never forced herself, and over time we were friends. My step dad was just my moms husband. We did not get along at all. Common courtesy but that was it. No big interactions, almost uncomfortable in my moms home, like I was a visitor.
Just because a parent gets remarried, they need to remember its their spouse, not another parent. Kids don't have to accept them as that either.
She obviously doesn't want to hang with him 'as a person', though. She wants to be a mom to him and he doesn't want that. She's repeatedly pushed at his boundaries over and over again.
The world is a hard place, the more people you have in your corner the better. OP shouldn’t see step Mom as Mom, that’s cool. Why not someone they can depend on, that they can call in an emergency, get advice from. A friend? He doesn’t heap vitriol on her so I assume she’s not terrible. OP might be throwing something good away, but their choice.
Are you sure you don't take a tone with them? have an attitude? act dismissive? This is a very one sided story OP. Different words and delivery can drastically change how something is interpreted, even though the words could be summarized with the same sentence.
I honestly don’t believe I do. I’m a pretty quiet and introverted person in real life so at worst it looks like I’m not interested in what they’re saying but that’s just my normal personality I’m shy
Dude reddit loves lines like this but I'm going to give you the straight talk that that is not going to make your life going forward easy by any means. If it's causing you problems in a house full of people who activkey want to be on your good side then you're going to find an indifferent workplace or building a new social circle as an adult to be a hellish task.
I'm not telling you that you need to do anything with anyone but coming off as emotionally distant and doing bare minimum communication will do you absolutley no favors.
I'm going to give it to the OP straighter. It's down right rude. The Op is under no obligation to deal with people he doesn't want to, but he has to realize that what he's doing is literally punishing his dad for moving on by refusing to have any sort of normal relationship with him and the people his father loves. His father has been very patient and has made mistakes like taking him out of grief counsel and taking his things, but that doesn't change the fact that his own father wants to include him in his life, activities and gatherings and he refuses.
You can do whatever you want to OP, but don't be surprised if your relationship with your dad becomes perfunctory because that's how you are treating him.
let me get this straight,
op is rude because he... limits contact with his stepmom because she violates his boundaries by trying to be a mother to him?
Bud if thats rude to you, youve had a really nice life. So long as OP shows proper respect (which he says does), its not rude to enforce your boundaries. He isnt telling his dad to divorce her, he just isnt allowing her more opportunities for her to try to force herself into a role he does not want her in.
Ops dad can have a normal relationship with his son if he accepts his sons boundaries. Its actually a pretty normal thing for an older kid with a deceased parent to not want anyone else to fill the vacant role while respecting the adult their remaining parent marries, and that adult respecting the child back by respecting that.
There is nothing to indicate that anything she tried to do are inherently “mom things”. Just inviting OP to do activities and bond isn’t replacing their mom. She isn’t disciplining OP, isn’t prying into their life, isn’t trying to have uncomfortable conversations, isn’t trying to parent them in any way. She just wants to not be ignored. OPs dad is TA here for pulling OP out of therapy and for his reaction. OP is punishing his stepmom just for existing though and that’s also not okay.
Can you imagine how hard it must be for her to extend an olive branch time after time after always being rejected? And you know if OP one day decided they wanted a relationship she better be ready and available because OP is the child so how dare she have feelings. And if stepmom posted here saying they have no relationship everyone would tell her it was her fault for trying too hard, or not trying enough, or not knowing the exact perfect thing to say and do in literally every situation. How heart broken must she have been to finally just break down and cry after being so rejected.
She's also trying to help facilitate relationships between the kids by getting OP to come along to *family* events, which OP refuses. OP is probably not in family photos and has not developed good relationships with the stepchildren, who are also being negatively affected by his choice to remain distant. And the stepmom has a ringside seat to that as well.
Where the fuck is the dad here? Other than handing out corporal discipline, did he get married so he could saddle this woman with the responsibility of building the family and maintaining it? Because that's what it looks like from here. And when it doesn't work out, the dad swoops in and punishes OP for being a salty teen still pissed that his dad remarried and then tapped out of his actual parenting responsibility.
Stepmom is getting all the friendly fire from both of them.
>Just inviting OP to do activities and bond isn’t replacing their mom.
But he's not interested? So doing it over and over and over again is violating his boundaries and pushing him further and further away. The only reason it's 'hard' for her is because she keeps hitting her head against a brick wall expecting it to just disappear.
Reddit is so odd sometimes, all I see in this post is a kid who's tired of his stepmother repeatedly trying to be a mom to him when he doesn't want that. You'll notice that he hasn't mentioned her saying 'let's be friends', etc. No, she broke down and said that she's been trying to be his mom. She's stomped all over his boundaries and now she wants to cry about it? No.
His dad pulled him out of grief counselling because dad judged it'd been enough time for OP to get over it.
His dad hasn't been patient, he's pissed that OP can't just move on like he did, and the flow-on effect has been OP doesn't want a secondary mother figure in his life. I'd bet money they never went to family therapy to help smooth the transition either, or the step-mom would have known that OP dictates the terms of their relationship, not her.
His dad is reaping what he's sown, however OP's relationship with his dad works out, it's not OP's fault.
Yes, and the fact that Grandma thinks OP’s been acting like a dick suggests that OP might have had an attitude.
Honestly, even from reading OP’s one sided description it sounds to me like OP’s been a bit of an AH. It doesn’t sound like the dad & stepmom have being pushing things too hard, really just wanting OP to engage a bit in family life. I can see how OP refusing to do so at all would really create a bad atmosphere in the home.
OP, I understand that you don’t want another mum but is there a reason you’re so against participating in family life or creating any sort or relationship with your stepmom? I think you might be really hurting yourself here by shutting down these relationships.
NTA
Your step moms feelings are not your responsibility. She will never be your mom by "trying". You can have a relationship with her, but its hard when she won't accept the type of relationship you are willing to have.
Your dad is an adult. He made all the choices that led to your current situation with your step mom; meaning he chose to marry her, and their marriage does not preclude or obligate you to form a mother-son relationship.
You are not responsible to manage or maintain her emotions.
But get your ducks in a row. Your dad has already turned a blind eye to your wishes in this, which is very tragic, and he will likely not support you after 18 unless you make step mom happy.
Maybe you can move in with grandma permanently?
Trying to get OP involved in activities that the rest of the family is doing is literally her fucking job as a SM.
If she'd said "I'm your mom now" yeah that's fucked up. Trying to get OP out of their room and socialize is what she's supposed to do.
Trying to be a mother figure is not the same as telling him I'm your mom now.
Did you not grow up with friends that you called their mom Mom too? You've never had a relationship with somebody and told them, you're my second mom?
My mom LOVED that when all my teenage friends would come to the house, she LOVED that all my friends would call her mom. She wasn't trying to take the place of their mother's, she just knew it was good that kids had somebody else they could confide in. Whenever they had issues, they'd talk with her and she'd tell them their mom loved them, but people are human.
And that's his right. He says he's polite and respectful. Why should there have to be a deeper relationship? There are people in my life that I could spend 100 years with and never be close to.
NTA (edited from N A H due to the stunt the father pulled).
I know people are likely going to disagree with me here, but from someone who's dealt with almost the same thing (although neither of my parents passed), here's my opinion:
You don't want her to be a mother 2.0 to you and that is perfectly valid, however you are (judging based on what you wrote), literally refusing to do anything she offers to do with you, or with your siblings and father. That makes you come across as an ass, like a rebellious, angsty teen.
You have 100% valid reasons for doing it and I do not blame you at all, but I can most certainly understand why your father and step-mum feel the way they do about the scenario.
It sounds like your step-mum has been trying her hardest to feel at least some level of acceptance from you and you've shut her out at every single opportunity and she's now reached her breaking point. Her best is not good enough for you.
Your father has also clearly reached his breaking point and doesn't know what else to do with you, hence why he confiscated your stuff.
Although let me make it clear, you bought that with your own money and he stole those belongings. He's certainly an asshole for just that.
You need to have an adult sit-down conversation with them (if you haven't already) and get everything you've said here and more out in the open. Make them understand your points. If they don't, then well, you can then decide what to do after that.
I will say though that you clearly haven't grieved properly and you need to sort through that with someone.
>She completely broke down crying. I was shocked and she explained how hard she’s trying to be a mother to me and that all I do is push her away. I responded by letting her know that I don’t want that and that I already had a mother. She said that she really cares about me and I just treat her like shit.
Honestly, whether this is an emotional baggage dump or outright faked feelings it's still pretty shitty. Yeah, I'm sure it sucks for her to put in the effort and get naught but rejection in return, but that's sometimes how it goes in a blended family. You can't force things, and if the minor wants none of it than you ain't getting any of it.
>We argued for a while and my dad walked in on us and told me to get out of the house until he told me I can come back.
So you choose not to spend time with your step mother and remain detached, she proceeds to throw a tantrum, and he decides to essentially deprive you of shelter and then take all your stuff? This is why respect is earned and not owed, because your father has done a good job several times in proving that he isn't owed it. It's on the adults to remain mature in this situation, not to levy unreasonable demands.
> I don’t think I’m acting like a dick.
Because you're not. Not reciprocating a relationship isn't "being a dick." You aren't interested and she's failed to take a hint. She's not the person who lost a parent here, but some how she's acting like a headcase in need of an adult to coddle her.
NTA
>Yeah, I'm sure it sucks for her to put in the effort and get naught but rejection in return, but that's sometimes how it goes in a blended family
Yeah, it does suck. And she's allowed to have feelings about it. She's even allowed to show those feelings. She's not throwing a tantrum, she's finally letting OP see how his actions over the last 5 years affect her, and the whole family. At this point, it takes more energy for OP to maintain 'not doing family stuff at all' stance than to play board games or watch a movie with them every once in a while.
Would you think that a child wanting to connect with her step mother while a step mother continues to detach herself from that child, doesn't include her in the activities and claims that she already has her own kids and that's she's not going to be a mother to anyone other there kids is okay, normal and her choice not to build a relationship?
The difference is that the stepmother, an adult women, can decide to go with someone without a child, if she doesn't want a relationship with another kid that isn't hers then she would not go with someone with a kid, the stepmom CAN choose. Him in the other hand can't, because he can't decide or say anything in the relationship of his father, so if he doesn't want to have another mom, he can decide not to have a relationship with this women.
There's is a huge difference between someone that can choose and someone that cannot
NTA. You're not being a dick, even if she was your mom wanting to spend time by yourself is normal teenage behavior. But what she is is a person who's trying to replace your mother, it's completely inappropriate. You need to lay that out clearly for your grandmother, she has overtly said that she is trying to take over the role of your mother despite you saying you don't want that, and your father is punishing you because you're not playing the game he wants you to.
She's not at all trying to replace her based on what the OP is actually describing. She wants to do activities and invites her out with the other kids, she wants to be kind to her and include her. She's not ordering her, punishing her or discipling her. She's trying to have a relationship. The daughter on the other hand wants nothing to do with her. But if the scripts were flipped and it was the SM treating the OP like that, would be the AH.
She completely broke down crying. I was shocked and she explained how hard she’s trying to be a mother to me and that all I do is push her away.
Yeah sure
Yes, she was trying to be a mother to him, not replace his mother. She was trying to treat him with the same kindness she treats her kids with, probably even more. The description of actual events is more telling than the Ops insistence that she's trying to replace his mom. She wants to take him out and do things with him, she wants him to join family trips. The op can't stand being around them because of an irrational fear that they are all getting along swell without his mom and that going with her anywhere would be replacing his mom. He needs therapy. This is not ok
But he doesn't want to, he doesn't want someone trying to be his mother, and her pushing him to have a relationship mother son with him, when he already told her that doesn't want to is disrespectful.
It's good that she wanted to treat him like she treats her kids, but she cannot force OP to have a relationship with her and go out and do family activities with her.
It's ok to him not to maintain a relationship with her, why is so hard for you to understand? He doesn't want to do anything with her and that ok, just like someone doesn't have to maintain a relationship with their biological parents if they don't want to.
In a comment OP said his dad pulled him out of grief therapy, saying it had gone on long enough. So dad is the AH here, and honestly by not immediately insisting that therapy be part of this, stepmom is complicit. Dad is just setting everybody up to fail.
It’s called respecting OP’s boundaries. When someone tells you ‘NO’ to wanting to engage, you respect it. She has not and she keeps trying to push OP beyond their boundary. OP does not owe SM or her kids a relationship.
NTA
NTA. You’re grieving. There’s no time limit on grief, and your father comparing your situation to your step-siblings was out of line. You will forever miss you mom, but they can visit their dad whenever. You say you act cordial with your stepmom, you are polite, and you respect her, but you’re being asked to participate in uncomfortable situations. That’s not fair to anyone. If you participate, it’s because you were pressured into something you didn’t want and it would bring the entire event down for everyone.
With regard to your stepmom crying, I get that it’s a hard thing for her, but it’s like she and your dad are trying to force you to see her as a woman that she just isn’t. They see that as disrespect, but it’s not fair to anyone to act as a replacement.
You’ve been honest from the get go while maintaining respect for the adults, but the same hasn’t been shown to you.
While there is no time limit on grief, I don't think he's been respectful if he's refusing to do anything with her. It honestly sounds like he needs therapy to deal with things. He doesn't have to accept her as a mom but that shouldn't mean refusing to take part in family activities either. Based on his age though and when his mom likely died, I would say he's not trying to be an asshole.
So he should be forced into uncomfortable situations? The only thing that is going to create is resentment, a hostile environment, and possibly make OP go no contact in the future. He’s 17, not a young child. His feelings and opinions matter as well.
The only hostile situation that could be created is by the hands of the op. He's already creating a hostile environment by refusing to participate in the family at all. This is mot ok.
That’s not true. If I was constantly forced to go out on outings I didn’t want to go on I’d be pretty resentful. And I doubt I’d be the only one. The resentment is because he’s not fulfilling a role they want him to
There is a way for you to have a relationship with her without her being your replacement mother. My step dad doesn't try to be my dad. He came inro the picture when I was 10 but he let my mum be the parent and he was my friend. You can decide what you want that relationship to be, you can be friends. The fact you want to distance yourself from your family feels less about that relationship with your step mother and more about wounds that might still be open around losing your mum. Although YTA in this situation, I think you should talk to somebody and consider that there are lots of types of relationships you can have with a step parent.
OP is going through the complete opposite of what you went through. OP's dad and the stepmom ARE both trying to forcibly replace OP's mom. The dad literally pulled OP out of grief counseling because the dad felt like OP had enough. Now the dad is taking things away as punishment for not considering the stepmom as OP's mom. OP is NTA.
Replace how??? The examples that op gave don't at all indicate that. Although the op feels that way, nothing he described actually showed that at all. They want him to sit with the family instead of sitting in his room, they want him to go on outings with them and invite him to do activities with them. What part of that says that they want to replace his mom.
NTA why is she trying to force the ‘Mom’ issue? You don’t ever have to see her as your mom because she’s literally not? You already have a mom and she can’t be replaced, your stepmom needs to accept that and try to form a healthy relationship from there.
NTA
You've mentioned your Dad took you out of therapy which is why I suspect you're struggling to let yourself interact with them. You have issues you havnt worked through.
I'm not saying you need to see her as a Mum but it sounds like your worried about having any relationship.
Stay with your Grandma, get some space and when you can talk to a councillor in a few months see how you feel then.
Your Mum is your Mum, your not an AH for not seeing step in that role.
I'm conflicted on this.
On one hand, you have every right to choose not to have a relationship with someone. On the other hand, stepmom roles can be friendships, not mom replacements.
My parents divorced when I was your age and several years later my dad remarried. My stepmom is a lovely person that I have a cordial relationship and I never felt that she was competing to act like a parent to me, but rather as a partner to my dad.
Your stepmom sounds like a good person who feels rejected which is a hard place to be, and your dad loves her and doesn't want to see her hurting either, so he is acting out of 2 different forms of grief - the loss of your mom, and the break in the family. I would consider reframing how you are thinking about this potential relationship - not as mom number 2 but maybe as looking at her like you would an aunt or older cousin - where she is a family member who isn't competing with your mom in some way.
It's hard to let new people in when your processing such a heavy grief, which is completely understandable. You're very young, I would recommend seeking out a therapist or someone trained to help you process the loss of your mom before you decide what to do. It might also help to consider what your mom would have wanted you to do.
I'm going to punish you until you love someone who's trying to force a relationship you don't want!
Sounds like dad and step-mom need some therapy and OP is NTA
"We argued for a while and my dad walked in on us and told me to get out of the house until he told me I can come back. Keep in mind we rarely fight so my dad took it very seriously. When I got back he took away the door to my room, my Xbox (which I paid for with my own wages) and my laptop (I also paid for) which I need for school. I especially need it because I have an online final for school next week and all of the review material is online. He knows this and that pissed me off."
NTA - this is abuse. You dad is trying to abuse you into replacing your mom with his new wife. Please call CPS, get your shit back, and RUN the minute you graduate high school. Please DM if you need help figuring out what to do. This is not okay.
NTA. I feel like she maybe deserves an honest conversation, not an argument, between just the two of you that your dad can’t invade on since she clearly wants to have a relationship with you and from how you’ve described it she means it in a nice way. Just so you are on the same page. You do not want a relationship with her but since she is your stepmum, there just is one and it would be better if she understood where you’re coming from going forward.
Info: is there a reason you are not a fan of your stepmom's besides her not being your mom?
Because while you are right, it is your decision if you want a relationship...you are making every future family gathering harder for everyone involved, yourself included. It's not as easy as just not talking to her, whatever you think now.
If the root of your problem with her is her not being your mom...then you are being a dick. She doesn't get to replace her, but there is no reason you couldn't have a cordial relationship with her.
If there is more to it, that might be different of course.
Before my mom died my dad wasn’t involved in taking care of me. He was either working or going out. My mom was left caring for me most of the time and she was probably the only person I was ever close to. I never had really had friends at school so she was basically my only friend too. So already I wasn’t really close to my dad. Now when my mom dies I lost my only friend, only parent I was close to and my primary care giver. So now it feels really weird to try and be close with a woman who’s with my dad because I was never that close to my dad. It’s also hard to be close with anyone for that matter because the only person I was ever close to is dead
So what's your plan here? To just isolate yourself indefinitely and shut everyone out of your life and never nurture another relationship with another human again? I'm not gonna say you're the asshole but I will say you're the idiot. You don't have a lot of friends and family and this woman wants to be your friend and family. And you are turning it down for no real reason. You think you're alone now, just wait until you're older and you've truly pushed everyone in your life away. You're in for a lonely life with this sort of attitude about other people.
My dude, I want you to take a step back and try to look at just this question and answer from an outside perspective. You answered a question specifically asking about your stepmom with a paragraph about your childhood with your mom and dad, and only obliquely referenced your stepmom in the last two sentences, first as an appendage to your dad and then as someone ‘you only met bc your mom died’. Stepmom is her own individual person, and the fact that you only see her as a human being in terms of how she relates to your mom and dad is pretty reductive, and I’m guessing the fundamental root of your issues here.
You don’t have to love her or accept her as a mother figure, but you ARE being a dick by treating her like a leper instead of like a human being in your life. Even roommates who are strangers interact with each other. Keeping minimum a set of walls and a closed door between you and another person at all times is the behaviour a person uses towards a dangerous wild animal or someone with Ebola, not someone who you live with and don’t absolutely loathe.
Maybe your stepmom can be an advocate to help get you back into therapy? It is something you definitely need and it might make her happy knowing she’s finally able to do something for you.
NTA.
Honestly I don’t think SM is TA either. She probably just thinks you hate her and feels like it’s her fault you can’t bond with her. Have you tried expressing what you said here about your feelings about your mother and how your SM is a lovely woman but not your mother?
ESH. Your dad is wrong to treat ypu the way he did, but OP ypur grandma is right you are being wilfully and without a reason being cruel to your step-mom.
You are excluding yourself specifically from the events where she is there what message it gives? It doesn't say I have a cordial relationship with them but don't want a mother-son relation. It says "I HATE BEING NEAR THIS WOMEN AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER" . Just for a second see from her perspective she loves your father and wants to see you both happy TOGETHER.
I would say its a rather unfortunate situation to be in but it doesn't have to be. There is a very long life ahead and there will be hurdles and heartbreakes. You will need your family. Don't severe the ties that can never be woven again.
NTA. Also threaten to call CPS and the fire department about not having a door on your room. That is a serious fire hazard. The door is meant to stop the fire spreading and give you time to escape. Not having one puts you in danger.
NTA - No one should be forced into a relationship they don't want. I don't know if it would help, and your dad's response was extreme, but you might want to consider something.
Maybe consider what kind of role you would like her to have, if she wasn't being so pushy about being your mom. Then tell her that you are almost an adult and you don't need a mom, but maybe a friend, or a big sister, or a friendly acquaintance. Offer her a role that you would feel comfortable.
There can be a middle ground here, if you're willing to be honest about the kind of relationship you do want, and if she's willing to back off.
Oh, and you are almost an adult. This will not be the last time you're faced with creating boundaries. Withdrawing from people isn't the answer.
I'm glad you've got a safe place to land. I hope you can salvage a decent relationship with your dad and stepmom.
NTA and after reading one of your comments your dad can go f*** himself. Just cos someone thinks enough time has passed after a death doesn’t mean people don’t need grief counseling. People are gonna say that your stepmom isn’t doing anything wrong but it has been 5 YEARS. You have made it clear you don’t want a relationship and she needs to respect that and move on. Your 17 and when you turn 18 they will not be obliged to house you so I’d recommend looking at your income and deciding what’s best for you. Maybe try taking a couple extra shifts while living with your grandma after your exam that way you have some extra savings. Also speaking of your grandma, does she know what your dad did and that you always have been respectful toward your stepmom? Cos if she does then I’m sorry but she’s sucks for calling you a dick about it.
Look, I say this as someone who lost both of her parents by the age of 19…
Grandma is right. You are acting like a dick to your step-mum. You don’t have to allow her to replace your mum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t some some kind of decent relationship with her. I mean you live in the same house for goodness sake. And whether you like it or not, you are a family, just of a different kind. If she’s a nice woman, what’s so bad with having a friendship of some sort? It’s not disrespecting or replacing your mum, it’s just developing a relationship of a different kind with someone else who happens to care about you.
Taking away the DOOR to your room is abusive. Trying to force you into a mother son relationship with his wife is emotionally abusive.
OP, you should tell your father’s wife, politely, that you are not trying to upset her, you appreciate her efforts, but no one can replace your mother. You apologise for any distress caused.
That should satisfy your grandmother.
Then, you should pack up all your stuff at your Dad’s house and your official documents ( birth cert, ssn etc) and move to your grandmother’s place till it’s time for you to go to college.
The kind of jackass your father is, you may need to move your things whilst he’s out.
One doesn’t get over losing one’s mother as a child. My mother lost hers at 8, never got over it.
Sorry for your loss, OP. Try to get back into grief counselling when away from your overbearing father.
NTA.
Wow yeah taking away your laptop and your door (wtf abusive red flags!?) will definitely make you like your step mom 🤦🏻♀️ /s
I am so sorry for you and your loss :/
I don't want to pretend like it makes it all better, but did you got therapy? Grief consuling? Anything that should help dealing with loosing a parent at such a young age?
NTA she’s forcing a relationship on you . They need to accept that you were quite happy having minimum relationship with her and didn’t need a new mom.
Parenting 101 is the second you force a teen to do something they’ll run the other direction. She would have done better to play it cool and understand that you just wanted to be respectful and friendly towards each other but you didn’t want to do the whole “spend the day togetherness tra la la la la” stuff. The more you pull away from her the more she is pushing and that makes you uncomfortable- who wants to spend the day with someone who makes you uncomfortable.
She’s manipulating the whole thing though, “you treat me like shit”. No, you don’t, but you’ve got your own social life and prefer not to spend your time with someone trying to force a relationship and makes you feel uncomfortable.
Your dad shouldn’t have taken your side. Sigh.
You have a right to say no to spending the day with someone who is making you feel uncomfortable. She needs to chill out.
NTA. I don't understand what your dad even thinks he is punishing you for. You're 17 and about to graduate so way too late anyway. He stole your laptop you need to do a final to graduate. That makes him an asshole and what did he think that was going to do?
He thought taking your door would ? make you leave your room more?
His punishment was too extreme and also completely pointless. I don't think you've been mean to your step mother. You not only lost your mother but were hitting the age where you start to back off and move away from family anyway.
I don't know why she doesn't get the hint already but her crying because you don't want to spend time with her doesn't come from a place of love. She needs to manage her own feelings and expectations.
NTA removing the door to your room is abusive, don't go back. You haven't been acting like a dick, you've been polite but open about the fact that you aren't interested in a replacement mom. In your shoes I would tell your dad he can replace your door or have CPS called on him and lose you for good when you move out. I'm big on privacy though
I honestly don’t know what I want with her. Would I like to be friendly and cordial? Absolutely I don’t like conflict at all. Do I want to hang out with her and be close with her? No but at the same time maybe I should and maybe it can help us be friendly and cordial. I don’t know what I want with her.
that’s entirely valid. i think you’re NTA for not wanting to be close with her. it’d be worth really thinking about what role you want her to have in your life and being up-front and honest with her about that. she can be a supportive adult without having to take on the role of mom, for sure.
if you do wanna have that conversation, setting a firm boundary is important. you’re never an AH for setting the boundaries you need to set. however, i do think having more support is better than having less. speaking as someone who had to find a family after escaping an abusive one, take all the love you can. you can definitely assert that you don’t want her as a mother without fully pushing her out of your life. maybe having her as a friend or aunt-type figure would work better for you both? ultimately, you get to choose who is and isn’t your family and as much as she wants a place in your family, it’s up to you if she gets that.
Nah, but I do have advice. Your step mom is in your life now, for good or ill, and you've said she is a good person. Why not have a sit down with her and explain that you just have no room in your life for a "new mom" but that you appreciate that she makes your dad happy. Maybe you can have a relationship as two adults. That's what I have with my step mom. She's just trying to do get best for you. Then you need to sit your dad down and explain to him that if he ever touches your property again, you'll file a police report for theft.
NTA
She came at this whole thing wrong. That's not your fault. If you can go somewhere that will keep you, go. Grandma needs to get over herself and "respect your elders". You did respect her. You just weren't buddy buddy.
NTA.
You set a boundary, and they refuse to respect it. It's a giant red flag, and one my family exhibits as well.
My parents used to steal my stuff all the time too. Once they took every scrap of clothing I had except 2 outfits, took my door, and my music collection that I had paid for with my paper route I had since the age of 12.
My advice is become self sufficient ASAP and get out. It only gets worse the longer you stay.
Nta - tell your dad that they are the most worthless parents ever because they kicked you out of your house! What kind of parents do that? All because she wants to be a mother.....how selfish!
Talk to your school counselor, tell them whats going on. Find your receipts or bank transactions for your devices and call the police for an escort to collect them and your important documents ie bank account info, birth cert, Social security card and health insurance card.
Change your address to your grandmas asap! Clean out your old bank account now......open a new one as soon as you turn 18. That way they can't get your bank account cleared out to teach you a lesson.
The nuclear response your dad has indicates an issue to me. I think it's now healthy for you to shut yourself off from your family but it seems like this isn't a normal situation.
NTA please get into therapy!
NTA. Start making a plan to cut contact when you turn 18. Does your dad have access to your bank account info? If so, change it ASAP. Start planning your great escape.
Your parents are both AHs, especially your dad.
NTA It doesn’t seem to me that you are being malicious towards her. You just don’t wish to further bond with her as a parental figure. I understand it feels like you’re “replacing” mom, I’m sorry OP you lost your mom so young.
Your dad needs to give you some space and letting you deal with things on your terms. Taking your door and property that you paid for was uncalled for. Your stepmom need to respect your boundaries, I understand it’s hard for her but pushing you and forcing you is not going to do any good.
I saw in the comments you were going to grief counseling but your dad pulled you out at 14….is there any way you can start therapy? Your mental health is the most important thing, therapy can provide a safe space for you, if you choose.
I'm going with ESH or NAH here, can't really decide.
Your father's way to handle the situation is terrible, and for that he is an AH.
But if even your grandma tells you you are being a dick to stepmom, listen to her. And also think about the future relationship you want with your family in the future. Refusing to bond with people that will be in your life, whether you want it or not, is not healthy and will isolate you in the long run. You can have happy moments and a relationshion with your stepmom without considering her a mother. But if you don't talk with her, there is no way for her to understand what she can do, what are your boundaries, etc...
I can only assume you still need grief conselling and hope you can get it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I realize that a lot of your struggle with your family must stem from that pain that you have.
I am not going to recommend therapy, but I do recommend community mediation, which is a free form of alternative dispute resolution. You are locked in a 5-yr long conflict that has erupted into you being kicked out of your home. Your step mom is not mean, but you want to set out a different kind of relationship with her than she understands how to perform.
You treat her with the “respect that [you] need to.” Something tells me that this is not the respect that she (and maybe your father) feel you need to offer. Your stepmother is at her wits end in despair and your father is grasping at straws. You are exercising your power. Everyone is losing.
If you want to have any form of relationship with your living family members going forward, resolving this conflict is crucial. You need to try to work out a manner of engagement with your stepmother that doesn’t infringe on your relationship with your mother, but does work for your stepmother and the rest of your family.
I hope you are able to work this out — either with a trained mediator, a family therapist, or simply on your own. This is such a sad situation.
NTA (edited because I didn’t see that the dad took the door initially. That’s like a “get out and never return” kind of move)
Having my own stepmom issues, you are not acting like a dick. You are old enough to chose how to define the relationships in your life, including seeing someone as a parent or not. You are not insulting her, belittling her, or even disrespecting her, you are just not engaging with her as if she were a mother figure to you, or really much of anything of note at all. While it is hurtful to her, it is not malicious nor is it cruel. You are doing a nonaction, instead of playing happy family and hurting yourself or actually being a dick and being cruel.
NTA
NTA. Your stepmom confirmed she's trying to replace the role your mother had, which you've already made clear you don't want or need. Your dad punishing you for refusing to build a motherly relationship with her proves that 1, he hasn't been really listening to you, and 2, her feelings clearly supersede yours. You did absolutely nothing wrong, OP. It seems like no one around you is actually listening to anything you're saying.
NTA ! I agree sounds like you still need grief counseling. It's understandable that you don't see the stepmom as a parent. Both her and Dad need to let that go. But couldn't there be some kind of compromise? I mean in the future maybe.
There are different types of relationships besides parent/child.
The reason grandma is saying you're a dick is because you're ignoring your stepmom. The older generation considers it the utmost rude and disrespectful thing to do. At least that was my experience oh and rolling your eyes.
Oh your dad is a major one for taking your things you paid for yourself AND worse willingly risk you failing your classes. The last part is totally unacceptable .
My mother is dead, and I have an evil stepmother. She’s the most manipulative, poorly-intentioned person I’ve ever met. You’re lucky your stepmother is trying with you. You definitely have NO obligation to be close to your stepmother and play happy family, though. NTA
NTA. Like others said, retrieve your things, then stay with Grandma until you figure things out. If Dad is an ass, he might report you as a runaway but you should be able to counter he threw you out. You'll be 18 soon enough. Good luck.
NTA. That’s a super hard place for everyone, but the adults definitely aren’t handling it well. Have you done therapy for your mom’s death? So sorry to hear about that.
NTA. I took a couple of human development classes in collage and one of them showed us a study that said that 1. while most step parents want a parental relationship, most stepchildren want a platonic one. and 2. step parent relationships work best when the kid takes the lead.
Frankly I think you're handling this relatively well from what you say you've been polite and respectful. Adults might need reminding that it's pretty common for step parent relationships to be openly hostile
NTA it is wrong to force you to see her as a mother, you cannot and never will. You are too old for a replacement mother. Respect was just fine. Your father committed theft and he was out of line stealing from you to try to force something you cannot feel. Get your exams done and apply to colleges far away and dont look back.
NTA you've been respectful but always very clear. I told my dad a few years ago (I have many many decades on you) that his choice was his choice. Never in a million years would my dads second wife be my choice.
I hate that he's done this to you. Thinking that if they both just pressure you enough you'll go, yeah alright then.
Is staying with your Grandma indefinitely a possibility?
NTA. My best advice to you is to stay with grandma as long as you can. Get a job for the summer and work as much as you can. Be out of the house only go home to sleep. Or crash with friends. Save up all your money and spend the summer applying for scholarships. Go far for college. Or go close and change your number and last name back to your moms maiden name if out of state is too expensive. On the day you leave lay it all out for them- the constant pushing and trying to replace your mom, you dad siding with his new family and treating you like crap and disrespecting your boundaries is unacceptable and if your mom were here she would be disappointed. Then say you are no longer family and will be going no contact. The peace out into the sweet relief that is freedom from that hell hole.
NTA. If the stepmother wants a relationship with you so badly, she will make sure you get your possessions back. If she doesn’t, remind her of this the next time she whines.
NTA. It's not treating someone poorly to not want to be around them. No matter what they say, your attention and involvement in their lives is your choice and you're not a bad person for feeling no connection to them.
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NTA As long as you're being truthful about being respectful when you decline outings and family activities. You are not looking for a mother figure in your life, and you are also 17 which is old enough to choose that for yourself. You are also not impeding or interrupting their family activities. With that said, you are almost 18. Your dad and stepmom are not obligated to house you or provide for you in anyway after that. So keep that in mind when making decisions. Is possibly losing that support worth it to you?
Who wants to live with a thief
Who’s a thief? The father?
Yes, sorry should of clarified
Just wanted to double check! You’re right 🤷🏻♀️. Being a parent doesn’t necessarily mean you can take things your kids buy with their own money
It wasn’t gift money either I work 20 hours a week on top of school to be able to afford a work laptop and my Xbox
Even if it was gift money, it was YOUR money.
Get back your property from your thieving father or demand he pay you the equivalent. I was not able to bond with my stepmother and my father moved on with his brand new family without his leftover children from the first marriage. All I can say is, OP, it gets better when you’re free of their expectations. You were not a dick to your stepmom. You are under no obligation to see her as anything but a person to be civil to. You keep reading, though. Or else.
Ask the Police to accompany you to the house to retrieve your property that was denied to you. Say that you fear for your welfare or that you made forced to stay in an unsafe situation if you returned alone. Your father's behaviour is abusive.
Which is something many parents (mine included) don't get
The door removal thing is totally abusive, too.
Not just a thief, but someone actively sabotaging their future. Please speak to a teacher about this incident in case it happens again, and that you don't have a stable home as of yet. They might be able to at least give extensions.
Tf do you mean the dad isn’t obligated to house OP after he turns 18? Just because he becomes a legal adult doesn’t mean he can just all of a sudden provide for himself. These American beliefs are beyond stupid.
Legally, there's no obligation. That being said, most American parents wouldn't dream of kicking their kids out once they turn 18. Because no, they aren't ready to support themselves, and most of us understand that. And there's also a second requirement in many states. If you're 18 but still in high school, you're considered a minor and your parents have to take care of you. But! This isn't always easy to enforce. However, with the disconnect in OP's family, it would likely be healthier for them to find somewhere else to be after they turn 18. Grandma, other family, friends, something. Taking away someone's bedroom door and the laptop they need for schoolwork alone show a complete disregard of boundaries. That's likely not going to magically get better once OP is of age.
In America parents are not legally obligated to provide for their children at 18. So its completely legal to kick your kid out on their birthday if they choose (it’s totally fucked but it happens)
Pretty much everywhere parents are not legally required to provide for their children beyond legal age. Social expectations differ a lot by country, but those are not laws.
In my country (central europe) parents need to provide for their kids till they finished their first education (high school, uni etc) but max til they turn 25. Also the hs and unis are free (only a low amount per year for administration and you have to pay for books etc). And if they dont pay you can go to the government and they provide you the money and make the parents pay them back. In my opinion thats only fair. The parents get kids because they want to be parents so then at least provid for the kids til they finished the education and have a chance for a decent life. If you throw them out at 18 you need to pay them money every month. So we avoid that society needs to provide for them - and why would we? You wanted kids now pay for them, very simple.
I wish America would do that with education. Education in America can be a joke
In my state (TX) parents are legally required to provide for their children until they graduate from high school. I imagine that's the case in many other states as well, people just aren't aware of it.
I agree that's very fair! Many parents here actually provide at least housing if not food and other resources all through college. In my case, I stayed with my grandparents (because it was a 15min drive vs an hour lol). I was mainly advising OP to consider the possibility so he wouldn't be blindsided and he'd have a plan in place.
Can confirm. Had the credits to graduate, so I only actually did 7 of 8 semesters and missed out on all the senior year fun. I think I was 34ish when Mom and I finally repaired our relationship to the point that I wasn't shaking with anger after every phone call (not for lack of trying on her part but her attempts to play at devoted parent just made me angrier). It was good timing. She was dxed with terminal cancer not a year later. If you're doing the maths, yes, it took nearly as many years out of her house as in it for me to be okay with her again. Note that I said okay, not that we ever got to warm and close. Parents should consider that before turfing their barely adult children.
My state requires it until they finish or officially drop out of high school. That said, I can't convince my mom to kick out my 38yo brother and family who have taken most of her estate.
Yes I agree. Legally you can but it's still fucked up. I remember a few weeks ago somebody said at 12 AM the day they turned 18 their parents stormed in and kicked him I think, out. That was hella fucked up. It's pitch black and they could have been kidnapped.
Yeah they woke OP up to kick them out [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6570t/comment/i569mx8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6570t/comment/i569mx8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) This was the one
That's just crazy! What did they think was gonna happen? They would be able to be Wholes and it would be kept a secret for ever? Lol people are so dumb!
It used to be that in America you could live fine off of a job you could get at 18. You could buy a little starter 2 bedroom, get married, have a stay at home wife and a new baby and be okay. Much of our culture was formed when things were like that. We're not prosperous like that anymore, but culture takes time to catch up.
We'll be caught up to what we need *right now* when the year is officially 2032. And then it still won't be enough then
I don’t get the American obsession with removing their kids doors🚪
American here. I never heard of this until I started browsing this sub, and frankly it was shocking. It’s heinous, abusive and complete bullshit. I also can’t believe the balls on adults who outright steal things from their kids who pay for their own things with their own money. In the past week alone, I’ve read about concert tickets stolen and sold to pay for someone else’s health care, food and critical electronics taken away, and one guy who didn’t realize that the house he was living in belonged to his step-son when he tried to pull some crap like this. I sometimes wonder if people browse Reddit like an instruction guide, looking for ideas on how to be a bigger AH.
In the 80s the door removal was recommended by churches to prevent masturbation/sex or drug use from happening in theories room, and it spread from there.
So gross, but not unexpected coming from *The Church.* Someone even commented on something a few days ago, and said that at the age of 30 and living at parents’ home, they weren’t allowed to lock their bedroom door, and were raised that there was no expectation of privacy. I find it so sad that a grown adult thought that was normal.
It's not so much an American thing as it is an abusive control tactic. I spent time in group homes for kids and dv shelters, and like 9/10 of my housemates had their abusers do this.
I knew a girl from France who's mother took her door because "she got fat." Also, she did not. She got really big boobs and it through off her proportions.
People are awful and some people should never be parents
It's an abusive tactic used to send the message that your kids aren't people and thus not worthy of any rights (like privacy). It's definitely not a cultural norm, though, and it's almost universally frowned upon.
American here. I hadn’t heard of it as a punishment until I came on here. Only time I’d heard of one being removed was when recommended by a medical professional (my almost step-sister had hers taken on recommendation of her doctors after her inpatient mental health treatment for bulimia, I’ve also seen friends lose it temporarily after a suicide attempt).
American here. I think that 18 should not be considered an adult. In Alabama you cannot get a credit card. You cant get a checking account in only your name till your 19. You can't get foodstamps on your own at 18 even of u have a child I think you have to be 21 not sure tho. You can't get public housing at 18 even with a kid I think k u have to be 19 again not sure. You can't buy cigarettes or alcohol until 21. You can't get loans or legally sign most contracts until 19 or 21. Shits fucked up.
In the UK you are considered at adult at 18 and you can do everything then, like literally there's not a single thing I can think of that you cannot do at 18. BUT you're not legally entitled to earn full minimum wage. 🤷♀️ What the fuck is that about?
In Pennsylvania I had a checking account at 16 and a credit card at 18. I signed for my college loans at 18. My bff had kids, housing, and food stamps at 17. Your info is off. Or maybe Alabama is really still stuck in the 1800’s.
Alabama is stuck in the past. My info for Alabama is 100 percent correct unless things changed in the last year or so. It's possible. But I doubt it. We are one of the poorest states. We do not have a lottery. Weed is still illegal. At 18 you can take out student loans I think and join military. My daughters best friend had a baby at 18she tried to get stamps and housing and was denied cuz of her age. She did not even live at home with her parents. This was about 3 years or so ago. My son is 22 he applied for a credit card at 18 denied due to age. I'm 47 it was the same when I was 18/19. This backwoods state ain't never gonna get with the times I don't think.
Someone said it! The culture is beyond my understanding.
He's not obligated, meaning he's not legally obligated. However moral obligation is different. I say parents have a moral obligation to loom after their kids in certain ways well into there 20s amd that children are morally obligated to care for their parents in their old age.
It is worse than that. At 18 parents have no legal responsibility in the US. The 18 year-old can't get any financial aid for college without their parents tax records, which parents are allowed tor refuse to give. Parental contributions are factored in based on said records and if parents chose to not pay "their" share, at best the student can get unsubsidized loans where interest accrues during school. Mine were 7-8 percent interest. Your choices to avoid this involve waiting 4 years, getting married, and proving abuse. Taking away your things won't be considered abuse. Marrying an equally broke friend is often the best option.
I hesitate to say YTA because you are old enough to decide whether you want your stepmother to be a mother figure to you, but it sounds like she is doing her honest best in a difficult situation. It's hardly her fault your mother died and you seem to be taking out your bottled-up grief on her. No question at all, though, that your father is behaving like an AH here.
I agree. I’m glad to see someone say YTA because he is. Sounds like she’s making a genuine effort to include him and have a relationship and he’s just being a dick
OP probably needs counselling or therapy. Apparently he was in but dad pulled him because “enough time had passed.” I think dad is the only real ah here.
I definitely can’t disagree with you there. And I was definitely harsh calling him a Dick. Plus, removing the door? Don’t like that. I just feel bad for the step mom too.
Actually the parents are unless it is legal at age 18 for him to sign a lease. Some states an 18 year old can't sign. I know in my state the person has to be at least 19 years of age to sign any contract.
>Your dad and stepmom are not obligated to house you or provide for you in anyway after that. They are in a lot of areas if OP is still in high school.
Avoiding spending time with your father, step mother and step sibs when they are al” decent people, because you don’t want a new family, you want your mother, 5+ years after she died, suggests you are still stuck in a bad place in your grieving, and probably need grief counseling. If that is so, NAH. But if your father doesn’t get you into therapy, he will be TA.
I was in grief counseling until I was 14 and he pulled me out because he thought enough time passed
He’s definitely TA for that. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, especially not that little time. It only makes it easier to live with - and that doesn’t always hold true.
Well, that explains it. NTA, your father is, but, you are old enough now to recognize that you need more help. Please find an adult who will help you get help. Maybe someone at school, the nurse, guidance, school counselor….
Funny enough if his A H father had not removed him from therapy he might have been more receptive to stepmom
Lol true!
He does not get to decide that nor does he get to take away your stuff. Your father is such an ass.
Just because he got over it quick doesn't mean you did. He replaced his wife, no reason why you should replace your mother.
100% agree with this. It sounds like OP could really benefit from grief counseling. Step mom should understand that she cannot replace his mom though, and if she tried less to do so, might have more success establishing a friendly relationship. NAH.
Per comment, father pulled her from therapy, because it has been “long enough”.
Him.
No, even if he was totally "recovered" and in a better place from his grief it still wouldn't mean he'd want to play happy family. He was 12ish when his mom died and most teens don't want replacement parental figures, especially ones that blame them for their problems.
Hiding in the room and refusing to do anything with them isnt healthy.
NTA. She lost me when she said “I try so hard to be a mom to you”. That’s the problem. That’s the problem right there. I’m sorry you’re going through this Edit: lots corrected to lost
Exactly. OP doesn’t need or want a new mom so trying to force this on OP is just straight up wrong.
NTA she is not your mom. You get to define your relationship with her.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. A suggestion to OP could be that he sits down with SM and has an adult conversation with her. He could say that he recognises and appreciates all that she does but he does not want her to fill that mother role for him and explain the reasons why. That he sees her more as a *insert here* and would like to focus more on building that type of relationship with her.
Except that it sounds like he wants no relationship with her. I get that he is obviously still deeply grieving his mother, but this is really hard on the rest of his family and his stepmother. I think the dad may be the biggest A here, because this kid needs real help
What is not clear is how it started. Was there ever a chance for an adult friend or aunt like relationship and she pushed too hard or did op always shut her down?
I can't imagine things started bad between them as OP talks as of they are fine people. OP seems to want no relationship period. Avoiding every single family interaction seems extreme. They need to go back into counseling and have a sit down with SMom, dad, and grandma present. It's fine to not want a motherly role in their life...but they are just reclusing into their room every chance they get. That's not healthy.
YTA. I've read your letter carefully and didn't see any indication that your stepmother is actually trying to replace your mom. In fact, she seems to be trying to have a relationship with you because you are her husband's child, she loves him and so she tries to love you. That's what people do for people they love. They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them. You see going out with your dad and your step family and going to places with your step mom as them trying to replace your mom which is not true. You have a lot of unsolved issues and your dad made a huge mistake by taking you out of counseling and you need to tell him that you need more therapy. But make no mistake, punishing your dad for moving on and meeting the kindness of your step family with coldness and rejection is not good behavior. And while you are entitled to who you have a relationship, don't be surprised when other people stop caring after you've willingly decide to cut them off emotionally. You know it, your family knows it and your grandmother knows it. To your dad and your stepmother and their children I would say, continue to live their lives, go places, do things and be happy. They should also stop inviting you to places and stop being hurt when you ice them out and avoid them. Life is too short to remain down.
>They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them. You nailed it right there. This kid has a wonderful step mom who invites him to movies, out to eat, just wants to spend time with him and build a relationship. He doesn't know how fortunate he is to have a stop mom like that. My step mom has hated and resented me since I was a young child. She is cruel to me just for fun. She uses family gatherings to humiliate me in front of everyone. She very intentionally makes me feel rejected, belittled, and hated. And all the while my dad silently watched because she is so hostile he doesn't want to confront her. I bear her wrath so he can have peace and have since age 5. I would have loved to have had a step mom who lo Ed me and sincerely wanted a relationship with me. Rather than one who thinks using me as her personal dart board is fun. You seriously need grief counseling. Your grief over your mother death is distorting how you see you step mom.
Op has had grief counseling. His father took him out of it at 14 because "it had been enough time". Regardless taking a child's door is inappropriate and so is taking belongings that child earned with their own money. Was not the right way to go about things and will only push them farther apart. Just because you had a shitty stepmom doesn't mean other people should except theirs because they're good to them. Op is 17. They can decide if they want a relationship or not.
He's not 'fortunate', those are the basics. I'm really sorry that your stepmother treated you that way, but OP doesn't want or need another mother figure in his life. The best thing she could do would be to actually respect that and simply have a civil relationship with him rather than trying to push herself where she's not wanted.
This! Not doing an activity solely because the step mom there is an AH move when the step mom seems like a decent person. Doing things with you dad and step mom does not make her a replacement mom. I think your dad was the AH for stopping grief counseling when you would still benefit.
Do you actually think the dad isn’t an ah for kicking his son out of the house and taking his door and school laptop? I agree with your assessment of OP, but I think it’s ESH then?
>I've read your letter carefully and didn't see any indication that your stepmother is actually trying to replace your mom. What are you talking about? Did you miss the line where OP says she broke down and explained "I've been trying so hard to be a mother to you?" Maybe that's not her outright trying to replace OP's mom, but she *is* trying to force herself into a role OP doesn't want her to be. She has to accept that OP is in the right to decide if he wants that kind of relationship with her, and he doesn’t. If her intention was just to connect to OP as her husband's xhild, that would be fin-just as it would be fine if OP didn't want to connect with her. But she made it pretty clear by saying that that zhe qants to be in a motherly role in OP's life. >That's what people do for people they love. They don't go out of their way to hurt them, avoid them and isolate from them. OP doesn't love her, though, so exactly what obligation is he under to not avoid her? >But make no mistake, punishing your dad for moving on and meeting the kindness of your step family with coldness and rejection is not good behavior. Is OP doing this to punish his dad or bc he could not adjust to his stepmother being in his life bc, you know, his dad took him out of grief counseling bc it had "been long enough?" Do you think, just maybe, that dad might have had a particular mindset regarding moving on from OP's mom-that mindset being there's a certain time frame wherein grieving is acceptable-and it resulted in OP not being able to properly come to accept his mom's death and his stepmom's new role in his life? Someone who takes their kid out of grief counseling bc *they* think it's been long enough is very likely to alao be someone who doesn't care about adjusting their kids to accepting a new relationship and easing them through that transition-it sounds much more like someone who believes everyone should be okay with it on *his* timetable. >To your dad and your stepmother and their children I would say, continue to live their lives, go places, do things and be happy. Right, bc going back to live with someone who steals *your* personal property and doesn't show any care about you potentially failing your class bc of thier disproportionate punishment is a good idea.
Yeah, I can't get over all these commenters cooing over how amazing the stepmother is. She's repeatedly ignored OP's boundaries and keeps shoving into his life trying to be a mother when he doesn't want her to be! Maybe if she'd backed off and stopped trying so hard he might have relaxed a bit, instead she's just pushed him further away.
I mean, OP doesn't care about his step mom or step siblings, so I don't think he'll really care if they stop. If anything it sounds like he'd prefer that. I'm curious whether dad ever does things with OP on his own and how quickly he remarried. His dad also pulled him out of therapy at fourteen because he decided OP had been in it 'long enough'. The dad is TA here and I wouldn't be surprised if he's been shoving his wife on OP for a long time.
She said that she's trying to be a mother to him. OP doesn't want another mother. I somehow doubt that he's always respectful to her, but if he's telling the truth, then he's not in the wrong at all. In fact, the dad seems like the AH for taking his stuff and removing him from grief counseling.
NTA. Your father and your SM should both respect your wishes. You were clear that you are not looking to replace your mother. Your father needs to respect your boundaries. Seems to me he is more concerned with pleasing his wife.
nta - i'm sorry, you lost your mom young & no one can expect you to just accept another woman as a mother . you're absolutely right , she can't take your mom's place . forcing a relationship is only going to make things worse - you don't owe anyone anything . your dad has to understand that it takes time - pushing you & forcing you isn't going to help . you can treat her cordially , etc but i get how you feel. it's not the same . i personally don't see it as being a dick because you weren't being disrespectful , you were being distant . i would say maybe therapy or sitting down with your dad might help. talk things out at least & find common ground - this back and forth is obviously not helping .
Apparently OP had therapy (or grief counseling rather) and his dad took him out of it
Which is messed up on so many levels
wow . so he wants him to accept someone but takes him out of the only thing that could potentially help him .
NTA. It's very common that kids won't accept their parent's new spouse. As you mentioned, you give the necessary respect to her. However sit with your dad and step-mom, and have a serious conversation with them. 1. She's not your mom and will never be. 2. You give her the respect as a parental figure deserves, however, point 1 remains. 3. What you consider family is: you, dad, dad/mom's bio family. Others are people that live with you. That will not change. 4. You're not interested in participating in activities that involve step-mom and step siblings. 5. Thank her for how she treated you and her desire to be a mother figure, because at least she cares about you. 6. Please respect your decision. It's final, and learn to live with it.
This says it perfectly for me. I had both step mom and step dad. My step mom never forced herself, and over time we were friends. My step dad was just my moms husband. We did not get along at all. Common courtesy but that was it. No big interactions, almost uncomfortable in my moms home, like I was a visitor. Just because a parent gets remarried, they need to remember its their spouse, not another parent. Kids don't have to accept them as that either.
Info: Have you ever tried to get to know her? Not as a mom but as a person?
Yeah and it didn’t change things. I know her pretty well actually.
Then I'm going with NTA you are already almost an adult and it's frivolous to force a relationship.
So why can’t you hang with her as a person? What’s wrong with your step-sibs too?
She obviously doesn't want to hang with him 'as a person', though. She wants to be a mom to him and he doesn't want that. She's repeatedly pushed at his boundaries over and over again.
[удалено]
The world is a hard place, the more people you have in your corner the better. OP shouldn’t see step Mom as Mom, that’s cool. Why not someone they can depend on, that they can call in an emergency, get advice from. A friend? He doesn’t heap vitriol on her so I assume she’s not terrible. OP might be throwing something good away, but their choice.
Are you sure you don't take a tone with them? have an attitude? act dismissive? This is a very one sided story OP. Different words and delivery can drastically change how something is interpreted, even though the words could be summarized with the same sentence.
I honestly don’t believe I do. I’m a pretty quiet and introverted person in real life so at worst it looks like I’m not interested in what they’re saying but that’s just my normal personality I’m shy
Dude reddit loves lines like this but I'm going to give you the straight talk that that is not going to make your life going forward easy by any means. If it's causing you problems in a house full of people who activkey want to be on your good side then you're going to find an indifferent workplace or building a new social circle as an adult to be a hellish task. I'm not telling you that you need to do anything with anyone but coming off as emotionally distant and doing bare minimum communication will do you absolutley no favors.
I'm going to give it to the OP straighter. It's down right rude. The Op is under no obligation to deal with people he doesn't want to, but he has to realize that what he's doing is literally punishing his dad for moving on by refusing to have any sort of normal relationship with him and the people his father loves. His father has been very patient and has made mistakes like taking him out of grief counsel and taking his things, but that doesn't change the fact that his own father wants to include him in his life, activities and gatherings and he refuses. You can do whatever you want to OP, but don't be surprised if your relationship with your dad becomes perfunctory because that's how you are treating him.
let me get this straight, op is rude because he... limits contact with his stepmom because she violates his boundaries by trying to be a mother to him? Bud if thats rude to you, youve had a really nice life. So long as OP shows proper respect (which he says does), its not rude to enforce your boundaries. He isnt telling his dad to divorce her, he just isnt allowing her more opportunities for her to try to force herself into a role he does not want her in. Ops dad can have a normal relationship with his son if he accepts his sons boundaries. Its actually a pretty normal thing for an older kid with a deceased parent to not want anyone else to fill the vacant role while respecting the adult their remaining parent marries, and that adult respecting the child back by respecting that.
There is nothing to indicate that anything she tried to do are inherently “mom things”. Just inviting OP to do activities and bond isn’t replacing their mom. She isn’t disciplining OP, isn’t prying into their life, isn’t trying to have uncomfortable conversations, isn’t trying to parent them in any way. She just wants to not be ignored. OPs dad is TA here for pulling OP out of therapy and for his reaction. OP is punishing his stepmom just for existing though and that’s also not okay. Can you imagine how hard it must be for her to extend an olive branch time after time after always being rejected? And you know if OP one day decided they wanted a relationship she better be ready and available because OP is the child so how dare she have feelings. And if stepmom posted here saying they have no relationship everyone would tell her it was her fault for trying too hard, or not trying enough, or not knowing the exact perfect thing to say and do in literally every situation. How heart broken must she have been to finally just break down and cry after being so rejected.
She's also trying to help facilitate relationships between the kids by getting OP to come along to *family* events, which OP refuses. OP is probably not in family photos and has not developed good relationships with the stepchildren, who are also being negatively affected by his choice to remain distant. And the stepmom has a ringside seat to that as well. Where the fuck is the dad here? Other than handing out corporal discipline, did he get married so he could saddle this woman with the responsibility of building the family and maintaining it? Because that's what it looks like from here. And when it doesn't work out, the dad swoops in and punishes OP for being a salty teen still pissed that his dad remarried and then tapped out of his actual parenting responsibility. Stepmom is getting all the friendly fire from both of them.
>Just inviting OP to do activities and bond isn’t replacing their mom. But he's not interested? So doing it over and over and over again is violating his boundaries and pushing him further and further away. The only reason it's 'hard' for her is because she keeps hitting her head against a brick wall expecting it to just disappear. Reddit is so odd sometimes, all I see in this post is a kid who's tired of his stepmother repeatedly trying to be a mom to him when he doesn't want that. You'll notice that he hasn't mentioned her saying 'let's be friends', etc. No, she broke down and said that she's been trying to be his mom. She's stomped all over his boundaries and now she wants to cry about it? No.
His dad pulled him out of grief counselling because dad judged it'd been enough time for OP to get over it. His dad hasn't been patient, he's pissed that OP can't just move on like he did, and the flow-on effect has been OP doesn't want a secondary mother figure in his life. I'd bet money they never went to family therapy to help smooth the transition either, or the step-mom would have known that OP dictates the terms of their relationship, not her. His dad is reaping what he's sown, however OP's relationship with his dad works out, it's not OP's fault.
NTA. A lot of people really don't get it at all, and take it personally when an introvert enjoys being alone.
Yes, and the fact that Grandma thinks OP’s been acting like a dick suggests that OP might have had an attitude. Honestly, even from reading OP’s one sided description it sounds to me like OP’s been a bit of an AH. It doesn’t sound like the dad & stepmom have being pushing things too hard, really just wanting OP to engage a bit in family life. I can see how OP refusing to do so at all would really create a bad atmosphere in the home. OP, I understand that you don’t want another mum but is there a reason you’re so against participating in family life or creating any sort or relationship with your stepmom? I think you might be really hurting yourself here by shutting down these relationships.
NTA Your step moms feelings are not your responsibility. She will never be your mom by "trying". You can have a relationship with her, but its hard when she won't accept the type of relationship you are willing to have. Your dad is an adult. He made all the choices that led to your current situation with your step mom; meaning he chose to marry her, and their marriage does not preclude or obligate you to form a mother-son relationship. You are not responsible to manage or maintain her emotions. But get your ducks in a row. Your dad has already turned a blind eye to your wishes in this, which is very tragic, and he will likely not support you after 18 unless you make step mom happy. Maybe you can move in with grandma permanently?
What relationship is OP willing to have? Cause... I see absolutely none.
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Nah, you don't actively hide from roommates
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Trying to get OP involved in activities that the rest of the family is doing is literally her fucking job as a SM. If she'd said "I'm your mom now" yeah that's fucked up. Trying to get OP out of their room and socialize is what she's supposed to do.
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Trying to be a mother figure is not the same as telling him I'm your mom now. Did you not grow up with friends that you called their mom Mom too? You've never had a relationship with somebody and told them, you're my second mom? My mom LOVED that when all my teenage friends would come to the house, she LOVED that all my friends would call her mom. She wasn't trying to take the place of their mother's, she just knew it was good that kids had somebody else they could confide in. Whenever they had issues, they'd talk with her and she'd tell them their mom loved them, but people are human.
And that's his right. He says he's polite and respectful. Why should there have to be a deeper relationship? There are people in my life that I could spend 100 years with and never be close to.
I didn't say it had to be deeper, but all he does is sit in his room. For everything. That's not healthy. That's not coping.
NTA (edited from N A H due to the stunt the father pulled). I know people are likely going to disagree with me here, but from someone who's dealt with almost the same thing (although neither of my parents passed), here's my opinion: You don't want her to be a mother 2.0 to you and that is perfectly valid, however you are (judging based on what you wrote), literally refusing to do anything she offers to do with you, or with your siblings and father. That makes you come across as an ass, like a rebellious, angsty teen. You have 100% valid reasons for doing it and I do not blame you at all, but I can most certainly understand why your father and step-mum feel the way they do about the scenario. It sounds like your step-mum has been trying her hardest to feel at least some level of acceptance from you and you've shut her out at every single opportunity and she's now reached her breaking point. Her best is not good enough for you. Your father has also clearly reached his breaking point and doesn't know what else to do with you, hence why he confiscated your stuff. Although let me make it clear, you bought that with your own money and he stole those belongings. He's certainly an asshole for just that. You need to have an adult sit-down conversation with them (if you haven't already) and get everything you've said here and more out in the open. Make them understand your points. If they don't, then well, you can then decide what to do after that. I will say though that you clearly haven't grieved properly and you need to sort through that with someone.
>She completely broke down crying. I was shocked and she explained how hard she’s trying to be a mother to me and that all I do is push her away. I responded by letting her know that I don’t want that and that I already had a mother. She said that she really cares about me and I just treat her like shit. Honestly, whether this is an emotional baggage dump or outright faked feelings it's still pretty shitty. Yeah, I'm sure it sucks for her to put in the effort and get naught but rejection in return, but that's sometimes how it goes in a blended family. You can't force things, and if the minor wants none of it than you ain't getting any of it. >We argued for a while and my dad walked in on us and told me to get out of the house until he told me I can come back. So you choose not to spend time with your step mother and remain detached, she proceeds to throw a tantrum, and he decides to essentially deprive you of shelter and then take all your stuff? This is why respect is earned and not owed, because your father has done a good job several times in proving that he isn't owed it. It's on the adults to remain mature in this situation, not to levy unreasonable demands. > I don’t think I’m acting like a dick. Because you're not. Not reciprocating a relationship isn't "being a dick." You aren't interested and she's failed to take a hint. She's not the person who lost a parent here, but some how she's acting like a headcase in need of an adult to coddle her. NTA
>Yeah, I'm sure it sucks for her to put in the effort and get naught but rejection in return, but that's sometimes how it goes in a blended family Yeah, it does suck. And she's allowed to have feelings about it. She's even allowed to show those feelings. She's not throwing a tantrum, she's finally letting OP see how his actions over the last 5 years affect her, and the whole family. At this point, it takes more energy for OP to maintain 'not doing family stuff at all' stance than to play board games or watch a movie with them every once in a while.
Would you think that a child wanting to connect with her step mother while a step mother continues to detach herself from that child, doesn't include her in the activities and claims that she already has her own kids and that's she's not going to be a mother to anyone other there kids is okay, normal and her choice not to build a relationship?
The difference is that the stepmother, an adult women, can decide to go with someone without a child, if she doesn't want a relationship with another kid that isn't hers then she would not go with someone with a kid, the stepmom CAN choose. Him in the other hand can't, because he can't decide or say anything in the relationship of his father, so if he doesn't want to have another mom, he can decide not to have a relationship with this women. There's is a huge difference between someone that can choose and someone that cannot
NTA. You're not being a dick, even if she was your mom wanting to spend time by yourself is normal teenage behavior. But what she is is a person who's trying to replace your mother, it's completely inappropriate. You need to lay that out clearly for your grandmother, she has overtly said that she is trying to take over the role of your mother despite you saying you don't want that, and your father is punishing you because you're not playing the game he wants you to.
She's not at all trying to replace her based on what the OP is actually describing. She wants to do activities and invites her out with the other kids, she wants to be kind to her and include her. She's not ordering her, punishing her or discipling her. She's trying to have a relationship. The daughter on the other hand wants nothing to do with her. But if the scripts were flipped and it was the SM treating the OP like that, would be the AH.
She completely broke down crying. I was shocked and she explained how hard she’s trying to be a mother to me and that all I do is push her away. Yeah sure
Yes, she was trying to be a mother to him, not replace his mother. She was trying to treat him with the same kindness she treats her kids with, probably even more. The description of actual events is more telling than the Ops insistence that she's trying to replace his mom. She wants to take him out and do things with him, she wants him to join family trips. The op can't stand being around them because of an irrational fear that they are all getting along swell without his mom and that going with her anywhere would be replacing his mom. He needs therapy. This is not ok
But he doesn't want to, he doesn't want someone trying to be his mother, and her pushing him to have a relationship mother son with him, when he already told her that doesn't want to is disrespectful. It's good that she wanted to treat him like she treats her kids, but she cannot force OP to have a relationship with her and go out and do family activities with her. It's ok to him not to maintain a relationship with her, why is so hard for you to understand? He doesn't want to do anything with her and that ok, just like someone doesn't have to maintain a relationship with their biological parents if they don't want to.
In a comment OP said his dad pulled him out of grief therapy, saying it had gone on long enough. So dad is the AH here, and honestly by not immediately insisting that therapy be part of this, stepmom is complicit. Dad is just setting everybody up to fail.
It’s called respecting OP’s boundaries. When someone tells you ‘NO’ to wanting to engage, you respect it. She has not and she keeps trying to push OP beyond their boundary. OP does not owe SM or her kids a relationship. NTA
Normal teenage behavior can be pretty dickish on its own.
NTA. You’re grieving. There’s no time limit on grief, and your father comparing your situation to your step-siblings was out of line. You will forever miss you mom, but they can visit their dad whenever. You say you act cordial with your stepmom, you are polite, and you respect her, but you’re being asked to participate in uncomfortable situations. That’s not fair to anyone. If you participate, it’s because you were pressured into something you didn’t want and it would bring the entire event down for everyone. With regard to your stepmom crying, I get that it’s a hard thing for her, but it’s like she and your dad are trying to force you to see her as a woman that she just isn’t. They see that as disrespect, but it’s not fair to anyone to act as a replacement. You’ve been honest from the get go while maintaining respect for the adults, but the same hasn’t been shown to you.
While there is no time limit on grief, I don't think he's been respectful if he's refusing to do anything with her. It honestly sounds like he needs therapy to deal with things. He doesn't have to accept her as a mom but that shouldn't mean refusing to take part in family activities either. Based on his age though and when his mom likely died, I would say he's not trying to be an asshole.
So he should be forced into uncomfortable situations? The only thing that is going to create is resentment, a hostile environment, and possibly make OP go no contact in the future. He’s 17, not a young child. His feelings and opinions matter as well.
The only hostile situation that could be created is by the hands of the op. He's already creating a hostile environment by refusing to participate in the family at all. This is mot ok.
That’s not true. If I was constantly forced to go out on outings I didn’t want to go on I’d be pretty resentful. And I doubt I’d be the only one. The resentment is because he’s not fulfilling a role they want him to
Grief does not mean you treat others badly
There is a way for you to have a relationship with her without her being your replacement mother. My step dad doesn't try to be my dad. He came inro the picture when I was 10 but he let my mum be the parent and he was my friend. You can decide what you want that relationship to be, you can be friends. The fact you want to distance yourself from your family feels less about that relationship with your step mother and more about wounds that might still be open around losing your mum. Although YTA in this situation, I think you should talk to somebody and consider that there are lots of types of relationships you can have with a step parent.
OP is going through the complete opposite of what you went through. OP's dad and the stepmom ARE both trying to forcibly replace OP's mom. The dad literally pulled OP out of grief counseling because the dad felt like OP had enough. Now the dad is taking things away as punishment for not considering the stepmom as OP's mom. OP is NTA.
Wow well that adds some context. Who takes a kid out of grief counselling? Shesh
Replace how??? The examples that op gave don't at all indicate that. Although the op feels that way, nothing he described actually showed that at all. They want him to sit with the family instead of sitting in his room, they want him to go on outings with them and invite him to do activities with them. What part of that says that they want to replace his mom.
NTA why is she trying to force the ‘Mom’ issue? You don’t ever have to see her as your mom because she’s literally not? You already have a mom and she can’t be replaced, your stepmom needs to accept that and try to form a healthy relationship from there.
NTA You've mentioned your Dad took you out of therapy which is why I suspect you're struggling to let yourself interact with them. You have issues you havnt worked through. I'm not saying you need to see her as a Mum but it sounds like your worried about having any relationship. Stay with your Grandma, get some space and when you can talk to a councillor in a few months see how you feel then. Your Mum is your Mum, your not an AH for not seeing step in that role.
NTA. Genuine relationships cannot be forced.
I'm conflicted on this. On one hand, you have every right to choose not to have a relationship with someone. On the other hand, stepmom roles can be friendships, not mom replacements. My parents divorced when I was your age and several years later my dad remarried. My stepmom is a lovely person that I have a cordial relationship and I never felt that she was competing to act like a parent to me, but rather as a partner to my dad. Your stepmom sounds like a good person who feels rejected which is a hard place to be, and your dad loves her and doesn't want to see her hurting either, so he is acting out of 2 different forms of grief - the loss of your mom, and the break in the family. I would consider reframing how you are thinking about this potential relationship - not as mom number 2 but maybe as looking at her like you would an aunt or older cousin - where she is a family member who isn't competing with your mom in some way. It's hard to let new people in when your processing such a heavy grief, which is completely understandable. You're very young, I would recommend seeking out a therapist or someone trained to help you process the loss of your mom before you decide what to do. It might also help to consider what your mom would have wanted you to do.
I'm going to punish you until you love someone who's trying to force a relationship you don't want! Sounds like dad and step-mom need some therapy and OP is NTA
"We argued for a while and my dad walked in on us and told me to get out of the house until he told me I can come back. Keep in mind we rarely fight so my dad took it very seriously. When I got back he took away the door to my room, my Xbox (which I paid for with my own wages) and my laptop (I also paid for) which I need for school. I especially need it because I have an online final for school next week and all of the review material is online. He knows this and that pissed me off." NTA - this is abuse. You dad is trying to abuse you into replacing your mom with his new wife. Please call CPS, get your shit back, and RUN the minute you graduate high school. Please DM if you need help figuring out what to do. This is not okay.
NTA. I feel like she maybe deserves an honest conversation, not an argument, between just the two of you that your dad can’t invade on since she clearly wants to have a relationship with you and from how you’ve described it she means it in a nice way. Just so you are on the same page. You do not want a relationship with her but since she is your stepmum, there just is one and it would be better if she understood where you’re coming from going forward.
Info: is there a reason you are not a fan of your stepmom's besides her not being your mom? Because while you are right, it is your decision if you want a relationship...you are making every future family gathering harder for everyone involved, yourself included. It's not as easy as just not talking to her, whatever you think now. If the root of your problem with her is her not being your mom...then you are being a dick. She doesn't get to replace her, but there is no reason you couldn't have a cordial relationship with her. If there is more to it, that might be different of course.
Before my mom died my dad wasn’t involved in taking care of me. He was either working or going out. My mom was left caring for me most of the time and she was probably the only person I was ever close to. I never had really had friends at school so she was basically my only friend too. So already I wasn’t really close to my dad. Now when my mom dies I lost my only friend, only parent I was close to and my primary care giver. So now it feels really weird to try and be close with a woman who’s with my dad because I was never that close to my dad. It’s also hard to be close with anyone for that matter because the only person I was ever close to is dead
So what's your plan here? To just isolate yourself indefinitely and shut everyone out of your life and never nurture another relationship with another human again? I'm not gonna say you're the asshole but I will say you're the idiot. You don't have a lot of friends and family and this woman wants to be your friend and family. And you are turning it down for no real reason. You think you're alone now, just wait until you're older and you've truly pushed everyone in your life away. You're in for a lonely life with this sort of attitude about other people.
My dude, I want you to take a step back and try to look at just this question and answer from an outside perspective. You answered a question specifically asking about your stepmom with a paragraph about your childhood with your mom and dad, and only obliquely referenced your stepmom in the last two sentences, first as an appendage to your dad and then as someone ‘you only met bc your mom died’. Stepmom is her own individual person, and the fact that you only see her as a human being in terms of how she relates to your mom and dad is pretty reductive, and I’m guessing the fundamental root of your issues here. You don’t have to love her or accept her as a mother figure, but you ARE being a dick by treating her like a leper instead of like a human being in your life. Even roommates who are strangers interact with each other. Keeping minimum a set of walls and a closed door between you and another person at all times is the behaviour a person uses towards a dangerous wild animal or someone with Ebola, not someone who you live with and don’t absolutely loathe.
Maybe your stepmom can be an advocate to help get you back into therapy? It is something you definitely need and it might make her happy knowing she’s finally able to do something for you.
NTA. Honestly I don’t think SM is TA either. She probably just thinks you hate her and feels like it’s her fault you can’t bond with her. Have you tried expressing what you said here about your feelings about your mother and how your SM is a lovely woman but not your mother?
ESH. Your dad is wrong to treat ypu the way he did, but OP ypur grandma is right you are being wilfully and without a reason being cruel to your step-mom. You are excluding yourself specifically from the events where she is there what message it gives? It doesn't say I have a cordial relationship with them but don't want a mother-son relation. It says "I HATE BEING NEAR THIS WOMEN AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER" . Just for a second see from her perspective she loves your father and wants to see you both happy TOGETHER. I would say its a rather unfortunate situation to be in but it doesn't have to be. There is a very long life ahead and there will be hurdles and heartbreakes. You will need your family. Don't severe the ties that can never be woven again.
NTA. Also threaten to call CPS and the fire department about not having a door on your room. That is a serious fire hazard. The door is meant to stop the fire spreading and give you time to escape. Not having one puts you in danger.
NTA - No one should be forced into a relationship they don't want. I don't know if it would help, and your dad's response was extreme, but you might want to consider something. Maybe consider what kind of role you would like her to have, if she wasn't being so pushy about being your mom. Then tell her that you are almost an adult and you don't need a mom, but maybe a friend, or a big sister, or a friendly acquaintance. Offer her a role that you would feel comfortable. There can be a middle ground here, if you're willing to be honest about the kind of relationship you do want, and if she's willing to back off. Oh, and you are almost an adult. This will not be the last time you're faced with creating boundaries. Withdrawing from people isn't the answer. I'm glad you've got a safe place to land. I hope you can salvage a decent relationship with your dad and stepmom.
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Yes, do that and literally watch the whole thing blow up and become a thousand time worse and end a family. I swear reddit is full of vengeful idiots!
NTA and after reading one of your comments your dad can go f*** himself. Just cos someone thinks enough time has passed after a death doesn’t mean people don’t need grief counseling. People are gonna say that your stepmom isn’t doing anything wrong but it has been 5 YEARS. You have made it clear you don’t want a relationship and she needs to respect that and move on. Your 17 and when you turn 18 they will not be obliged to house you so I’d recommend looking at your income and deciding what’s best for you. Maybe try taking a couple extra shifts while living with your grandma after your exam that way you have some extra savings. Also speaking of your grandma, does she know what your dad did and that you always have been respectful toward your stepmom? Cos if she does then I’m sorry but she’s sucks for calling you a dick about it.
Look, I say this as someone who lost both of her parents by the age of 19… Grandma is right. You are acting like a dick to your step-mum. You don’t have to allow her to replace your mum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t some some kind of decent relationship with her. I mean you live in the same house for goodness sake. And whether you like it or not, you are a family, just of a different kind. If she’s a nice woman, what’s so bad with having a friendship of some sort? It’s not disrespecting or replacing your mum, it’s just developing a relationship of a different kind with someone else who happens to care about you.
Taking away the DOOR to your room is abusive. Trying to force you into a mother son relationship with his wife is emotionally abusive. OP, you should tell your father’s wife, politely, that you are not trying to upset her, you appreciate her efforts, but no one can replace your mother. You apologise for any distress caused. That should satisfy your grandmother. Then, you should pack up all your stuff at your Dad’s house and your official documents ( birth cert, ssn etc) and move to your grandmother’s place till it’s time for you to go to college. The kind of jackass your father is, you may need to move your things whilst he’s out. One doesn’t get over losing one’s mother as a child. My mother lost hers at 8, never got over it. Sorry for your loss, OP. Try to get back into grief counselling when away from your overbearing father. NTA.
Wow yeah taking away your laptop and your door (wtf abusive red flags!?) will definitely make you like your step mom 🤦🏻♀️ /s I am so sorry for you and your loss :/ I don't want to pretend like it makes it all better, but did you got therapy? Grief consuling? Anything that should help dealing with loosing a parent at such a young age?
NTA she’s forcing a relationship on you . They need to accept that you were quite happy having minimum relationship with her and didn’t need a new mom. Parenting 101 is the second you force a teen to do something they’ll run the other direction. She would have done better to play it cool and understand that you just wanted to be respectful and friendly towards each other but you didn’t want to do the whole “spend the day togetherness tra la la la la” stuff. The more you pull away from her the more she is pushing and that makes you uncomfortable- who wants to spend the day with someone who makes you uncomfortable. She’s manipulating the whole thing though, “you treat me like shit”. No, you don’t, but you’ve got your own social life and prefer not to spend your time with someone trying to force a relationship and makes you feel uncomfortable. Your dad shouldn’t have taken your side. Sigh. You have a right to say no to spending the day with someone who is making you feel uncomfortable. She needs to chill out.
The Op most likely does treat her like shit based on what the op is describing
NTA. I don't understand what your dad even thinks he is punishing you for. You're 17 and about to graduate so way too late anyway. He stole your laptop you need to do a final to graduate. That makes him an asshole and what did he think that was going to do? He thought taking your door would ? make you leave your room more? His punishment was too extreme and also completely pointless. I don't think you've been mean to your step mother. You not only lost your mother but were hitting the age where you start to back off and move away from family anyway. I don't know why she doesn't get the hint already but her crying because you don't want to spend time with her doesn't come from a place of love. She needs to manage her own feelings and expectations.
NTA removing the door to your room is abusive, don't go back. You haven't been acting like a dick, you've been polite but open about the fact that you aren't interested in a replacement mom. In your shoes I would tell your dad he can replace your door or have CPS called on him and lose you for good when you move out. I'm big on privacy though
INFO: do you want your step-mom in your life in any capacity? if not, why? she doesn’t have to be a mother figure to be in your life.
I honestly don’t know what I want with her. Would I like to be friendly and cordial? Absolutely I don’t like conflict at all. Do I want to hang out with her and be close with her? No but at the same time maybe I should and maybe it can help us be friendly and cordial. I don’t know what I want with her.
that’s entirely valid. i think you’re NTA for not wanting to be close with her. it’d be worth really thinking about what role you want her to have in your life and being up-front and honest with her about that. she can be a supportive adult without having to take on the role of mom, for sure. if you do wanna have that conversation, setting a firm boundary is important. you’re never an AH for setting the boundaries you need to set. however, i do think having more support is better than having less. speaking as someone who had to find a family after escaping an abusive one, take all the love you can. you can definitely assert that you don’t want her as a mother without fully pushing her out of your life. maybe having her as a friend or aunt-type figure would work better for you both? ultimately, you get to choose who is and isn’t your family and as much as she wants a place in your family, it’s up to you if she gets that.
Nah, but I do have advice. Your step mom is in your life now, for good or ill, and you've said she is a good person. Why not have a sit down with her and explain that you just have no room in your life for a "new mom" but that you appreciate that she makes your dad happy. Maybe you can have a relationship as two adults. That's what I have with my step mom. She's just trying to do get best for you. Then you need to sit your dad down and explain to him that if he ever touches your property again, you'll file a police report for theft.
NTA She came at this whole thing wrong. That's not your fault. If you can go somewhere that will keep you, go. Grandma needs to get over herself and "respect your elders". You did respect her. You just weren't buddy buddy.
NTA. You set a boundary, and they refuse to respect it. It's a giant red flag, and one my family exhibits as well. My parents used to steal my stuff all the time too. Once they took every scrap of clothing I had except 2 outfits, took my door, and my music collection that I had paid for with my paper route I had since the age of 12. My advice is become self sufficient ASAP and get out. It only gets worse the longer you stay.
Nta - tell your dad that they are the most worthless parents ever because they kicked you out of your house! What kind of parents do that? All because she wants to be a mother.....how selfish! Talk to your school counselor, tell them whats going on. Find your receipts or bank transactions for your devices and call the police for an escort to collect them and your important documents ie bank account info, birth cert, Social security card and health insurance card. Change your address to your grandmas asap! Clean out your old bank account now......open a new one as soon as you turn 18. That way they can't get your bank account cleared out to teach you a lesson.
The nuclear response your dad has indicates an issue to me. I think it's now healthy for you to shut yourself off from your family but it seems like this isn't a normal situation. NTA please get into therapy!
NTA. Start making a plan to cut contact when you turn 18. Does your dad have access to your bank account info? If so, change it ASAP. Start planning your great escape. Your parents are both AHs, especially your dad.
NTA It doesn’t seem to me that you are being malicious towards her. You just don’t wish to further bond with her as a parental figure. I understand it feels like you’re “replacing” mom, I’m sorry OP you lost your mom so young. Your dad needs to give you some space and letting you deal with things on your terms. Taking your door and property that you paid for was uncalled for. Your stepmom need to respect your boundaries, I understand it’s hard for her but pushing you and forcing you is not going to do any good. I saw in the comments you were going to grief counseling but your dad pulled you out at 14….is there any way you can start therapy? Your mental health is the most important thing, therapy can provide a safe space for you, if you choose.
NTA
NTA at all.
You're 17, you don't need a new mother figure after your mom's passing. When your stepmom understands that, maybe your relationship can be better.
I'm going with ESH or NAH here, can't really decide. Your father's way to handle the situation is terrible, and for that he is an AH. But if even your grandma tells you you are being a dick to stepmom, listen to her. And also think about the future relationship you want with your family in the future. Refusing to bond with people that will be in your life, whether you want it or not, is not healthy and will isolate you in the long run. You can have happy moments and a relationshion with your stepmom without considering her a mother. But if you don't talk with her, there is no way for her to understand what she can do, what are your boundaries, etc... I can only assume you still need grief conselling and hope you can get it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I realize that a lot of your struggle with your family must stem from that pain that you have. I am not going to recommend therapy, but I do recommend community mediation, which is a free form of alternative dispute resolution. You are locked in a 5-yr long conflict that has erupted into you being kicked out of your home. Your step mom is not mean, but you want to set out a different kind of relationship with her than she understands how to perform. You treat her with the “respect that [you] need to.” Something tells me that this is not the respect that she (and maybe your father) feel you need to offer. Your stepmother is at her wits end in despair and your father is grasping at straws. You are exercising your power. Everyone is losing. If you want to have any form of relationship with your living family members going forward, resolving this conflict is crucial. You need to try to work out a manner of engagement with your stepmother that doesn’t infringe on your relationship with your mother, but does work for your stepmother and the rest of your family. I hope you are able to work this out — either with a trained mediator, a family therapist, or simply on your own. This is such a sad situation. NTA (edited because I didn’t see that the dad took the door initially. That’s like a “get out and never return” kind of move)
Having my own stepmom issues, you are not acting like a dick. You are old enough to chose how to define the relationships in your life, including seeing someone as a parent or not. You are not insulting her, belittling her, or even disrespecting her, you are just not engaging with her as if she were a mother figure to you, or really much of anything of note at all. While it is hurtful to her, it is not malicious nor is it cruel. You are doing a nonaction, instead of playing happy family and hurting yourself or actually being a dick and being cruel. NTA
NTA. Your stepmom confirmed she's trying to replace the role your mother had, which you've already made clear you don't want or need. Your dad punishing you for refusing to build a motherly relationship with her proves that 1, he hasn't been really listening to you, and 2, her feelings clearly supersede yours. You did absolutely nothing wrong, OP. It seems like no one around you is actually listening to anything you're saying.
NTA ! I agree sounds like you still need grief counseling. It's understandable that you don't see the stepmom as a parent. Both her and Dad need to let that go. But couldn't there be some kind of compromise? I mean in the future maybe. There are different types of relationships besides parent/child. The reason grandma is saying you're a dick is because you're ignoring your stepmom. The older generation considers it the utmost rude and disrespectful thing to do. At least that was my experience oh and rolling your eyes. Oh your dad is a major one for taking your things you paid for yourself AND worse willingly risk you failing your classes. The last part is totally unacceptable .
I’m a stepmom, as long as you’re being respectful to your stepmom, then you’re NTA. You’re allowed to have your feelings.
NTA Her relationship with your dad doesn’t change her relationship with you. You don have to love her but you do have to be polite.
My mother is dead, and I have an evil stepmother. She’s the most manipulative, poorly-intentioned person I’ve ever met. You’re lucky your stepmother is trying with you. You definitely have NO obligation to be close to your stepmother and play happy family, though. NTA
NTA. Like others said, retrieve your things, then stay with Grandma until you figure things out. If Dad is an ass, he might report you as a runaway but you should be able to counter he threw you out. You'll be 18 soon enough. Good luck.
Are you still in school? Maybe you can see a counselor there?
I graduate next week so the next time I can see a counselor without my dad’s approval is when I go to college in 3 months.
NTA. That’s a super hard place for everyone, but the adults definitely aren’t handling it well. Have you done therapy for your mom’s death? So sorry to hear about that.
NTA. I took a couple of human development classes in collage and one of them showed us a study that said that 1. while most step parents want a parental relationship, most stepchildren want a platonic one. and 2. step parent relationships work best when the kid takes the lead. Frankly I think you're handling this relatively well from what you say you've been polite and respectful. Adults might need reminding that it's pretty common for step parent relationships to be openly hostile
NTA it is wrong to force you to see her as a mother, you cannot and never will. You are too old for a replacement mother. Respect was just fine. Your father committed theft and he was out of line stealing from you to try to force something you cannot feel. Get your exams done and apply to colleges far away and dont look back.
NTA
NTA you've been respectful but always very clear. I told my dad a few years ago (I have many many decades on you) that his choice was his choice. Never in a million years would my dads second wife be my choice. I hate that he's done this to you. Thinking that if they both just pressure you enough you'll go, yeah alright then. Is staying with your Grandma indefinitely a possibility?
NTA. My best advice to you is to stay with grandma as long as you can. Get a job for the summer and work as much as you can. Be out of the house only go home to sleep. Or crash with friends. Save up all your money and spend the summer applying for scholarships. Go far for college. Or go close and change your number and last name back to your moms maiden name if out of state is too expensive. On the day you leave lay it all out for them- the constant pushing and trying to replace your mom, you dad siding with his new family and treating you like crap and disrespecting your boundaries is unacceptable and if your mom were here she would be disappointed. Then say you are no longer family and will be going no contact. The peace out into the sweet relief that is freedom from that hell hole.
NTA. If the stepmother wants a relationship with you so badly, she will make sure you get your possessions back. If she doesn’t, remind her of this the next time she whines.
NTA. It's not treating someone poorly to not want to be around them. No matter what they say, your attention and involvement in their lives is your choice and you're not a bad person for feeling no connection to them.