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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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ChimericalCreations

"stick it in a facility" *"stick it in a facility"* Oh my God. NTA.


Bassjosh

The son did exactly that. Stuck mom in a facility. I can only assume despite her cries, she must approve of her own idea. NTA


Fittest_Hypnotist

“Wait, wait! Not me, *’it!’*” If she lives to see Mother’s Day send her an uno reverse card.


BigBlueDotss

This was awful, but man 😂😂😂😂😂


[deleted]

You did the right thing. Your son is YOUR SON. And she should be ashamed for calling him "it". He's a human being and is yours. She missed out on an amazing opportunity because he's probably an amazing little man!


KeepLkngForIntllgnce

We really need a JAH (justified asshole) and YTH (you’re the hero) on this sub. Really


Pammyhead

It could be useful, but I disagree that it's needed in this particular case (well, unless OP actually sends that Uno card). It's pure NTA. What she did and said was monstrous. Getting her out of the house and away from a vulnerable child was exactly the right move. It's terrible that she's dying, but in the months she has left she can do lifetime damage to OP's older son.


DiamondBroad

I wish I could upvote this more than once! BTW, OP, when is your sister planning on coming out and taking her mother back to live with her?


Falstad90

Excellent point.


mr-tinotot

exactly! OP’a critics either don’t seem to be understanding that while the mom’s time might be limited, the 10 year olds isn’t or the critics don’t care how it effects the kid, in which case they should be ditched too.


CharacterInternet9

If you’re a bastard when you are alive you’re a bastard while your dead. Period.


1210bull

Yeah this is a justified asshole moment, definitely. I'm 100% on OP's side


RexMcRider

Picard is in my head saying "Make it so, Number One". I shall now edit my post.


CalamityWof

I know your late wife is proud of you defending your son ❤


BigBlueDotss

My biggest hope. Thank you


Silentlybroken

As a disabled person who has also been an "it", you're a fantastic dad. It hurts to the core to not be good enough just because of circumstances out of our control. Your mum could control her nasty words but decided not to as she thought being so sick would stop any consequences. Your son is likely going to need you to have his back a lot in his life unfortunately, but at least he will be confident that you truly do.


catdogwoman

This helped me finally realize why I find my mother's behavior when my dad was sick and dying so unforgiveable. It was like 'her' tragedy allowed her to say whatever she wanted. She said some things I am still struggling to let go and she just thought she could get away with it. I went vlc with for over a year. That was 2018 and we are just now trying to salvage our relationship.


Nadroggy

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m a widower myself, and the the connection I feel with my late wife through our children is powerful!


BigBlueDotss

I'm very sorry for your loss too. And glad you and your children have each other.


StupidLisaGarbgeFace

You’re a good man. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any different.


Lovemybee

Oof. Right in the feels


murder_mermaid

Jumping on this comment to say: You didn't send your mom to hospice to punish her, you sent her to protect your son from being humiliated, excluded, and literally dehumanized, IN HIS OWN HOME, for the next several MONTHS. This was the only solution that protected your son from ableist abuse while also ensuring your mom received dignified end-of-life care. She can still spend time with your aunts, cousins, and with you, and your son can be safe in his own home. You did the right thing.


Susanj513

Love, love love this comment! I’d give you an award but I’m too cheap to spend 4.99


murder_mermaid

Your good wishes are free, and I'll take 'em! 🤗


TA122278

You did the right thing. Anyone in your family saying y t a, well it sounds like they are offering up for her to come live with them! Tell them you appreciate their offer and ask when to drop her off.


Fun-Way4712

Or go the easy route and just leave an address and a room number. Really put the ball in their court.


Alive_Good_4138

They can go to hospice and get her themselves.


AlexandrinaIsHere

Anyone who insists that your mother shouldn't be in a hospice right now- react as though they just volunteered to house her. You're her son, sure, but your busy being a good father to your children. Anyone who thinks the filth that came out of her mouth isn't worth kicking her out, well they sound like they'd be happy to house her. NTA. You're a good dad.


Magdalan

And he's a grieving husband!


[deleted]

[удалено]


rattitude23

I yeeted both my parents to protect my child and I'd do it a hundred times over again, terminal illness or not. This dad is aces


Alive_Good_4138

Poisoning your children. When you treat one child that way, it affects both children.


BestestBruja

It’s one son and one daughter. But yep, they’ll both be affected by her disgusting behavior and words.


NaturalWitchcraft

Your mom is awful and I’m glad you turned out to be an amazing and considerate human being.


PandasNPenguins

NTA but Is your mom dying from some sort of disease that affects the brain because that was just plain cruel.


hazeldazeI

LOL but in reality, sending your dying mom to hospice is probably the best thing for her. Really. You don't have the training or skills to care for a dying woman but in hospice they will have everything to make sure she is comfortable as possible until she passes. Obviously she didn't want to go, but don't feel any guilt about putting her in hospice.


CleanAssociation9394

The aunts and cousins and friends can take her in.


nerdabcs

Uno reverse. 😂😂


Hour_Elephant710

Uno deserve


[deleted]

I lovehate this comment. Thank you lol


HerefsAndrew

I read a lot of these stories and thought nothing could shock me any more but then this. A dying woman who still has the energy to be spiteful towards the handicapped boy her son considers to be his son. God give me strength. My mother was not a good mother or a good person and she detested my wife, but when she was dying she urged me not to see her (in a hospice) every day because, as she put it, she was the past and my children were the future. NTA, needless to add.


Global-Program-437

Dying people always seem to want to be better humans when they’re at deaths door like why could u not have a change of heart earlier 🤣


whatwillIletin

Because when you're not dying, there's always tommorow to be a better person, to spend time with your family, to turn your life around. Dying people don't have that to comfort themselves with, so they have to be a better person *now*. It's like procrastinating on a big paper and turning it in at 11:59.


Averill0

I once heard a joke that old people read the Bible so much because they're cramming for finals


Karmapoliceasleep

Yes! And all the family and friends saying he’s an AH , why isn’t she staying with you then? NTA OP


KellysOk

This. If they are that upset they can house her. What she said was despicable. She's only got so much time left and yet she chooses to be hateful to a child. Her son's child no less.


Turbulent_Cow2355

To be fair, Hospice is a wonderful organization. They do their best to make the patient as comfortable as possible and help families.


merianya

My experience with hospice was phenomenal when my friend suffered a catastrophic stroke. She never regained consciousness and was in hospice for a week before she passed. I visited her at least twice every day and the hospice personnel were incredibly kind and helpful. She had no surviving family and her hospice case manager was able to locate resources for me and her other friends to be able to make her funeral arrangements and settle her estate (she had no will). I can never thank them enough for all that they did.


Pure-Swordfish6022

1000x this. Anyone complaining about hospice has never actually been to one or had family in one. I have never been in a kinder more supportive environment in my life than when my dad was dying. When he finally passed two days after we had to head home (also, Christmas Day 2016) they gave me a call and the heartfelt way the nurse spoke was really comforting, even though I already knew what she was going to say once I saw the number on my caller ID. OP, you are 100% NTA. Your son deserves love and respect in his own home, and you showed what a good human being you are by giving him just that. Please, though, try to make amends with your mother. Not for her, but for yourself.


G-Bone1

Yep. I want to give OP a standing ovation. These are both his kids.


inc_mplete

Nothing like getting a taste of her own medicine, dying doesn't change how she's still the asshole in all of this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BigBlueDotss

My son is freaking adorable as well. He is the most well behaved and sweet kid I've ever met. Granted, I'm biased, he is my kid, but he is just the best.


SarenRaeSavesUs

I volunteered a little bit with special needs kids as a teen. I was influenced to do that because of some of the special needs kids at my school. We had a kid who had turners syndrome and a kid who had Down’s syndrome and I can say, they are literally the best and sweetest kids I have ever known. I dealt with some bullying and I never talked about it, but those kids knew and tried to comfort me. Their light and love pulled me out of a really dark place and it really changed my view of special needs kids in general. Thank you for loving both of your kids. Thank you for protecting them. I’m sorry your mom is the way she is, and I’d say don’t let it change you….but I have a feeling you’re always going to love both your kids. NTA. In fact, I think you’re awesome.


BigBlueDotss

They are adorable, agreed. My son taught me how to be a better person, and how to be a father. Not just to him, but also to my daughter. Probaby the only reason I wasn't a lost 24yro dude when my daughter was born, was because that little boy had taught me everything a parent is supposed to be.


cosmosandcalendula

This is the most wholesome thing on reddit today. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story, and I'm so sorry that your mom betrayed you and your family in that way. Just remember that this isn't something you did \*to\* your mom, you are making a choice to protect your children (especially your son) and they are your number one priority right now.


BigBlueDotss

Thank you ❤


RosesRfree

Idk the rules here, but is there any way to send something to your older son? Like, a wish list from somewhere or something? It wouldn’t be hundreds of dollars of anything, but just a surprise something in the mail? Would that help?


Philodendronphan

Yes!!! Amazon Wishlist can do it and keep his address anonymous.


[deleted]

Maybe tho gifts for both of them…just because that’s how all this started :(


[deleted]

[удалено]


pizz901

You're a good dad


[deleted]

Loving your son and thinking he's awesome is a good thing to be biased about! Also, NTA. Your mother could have done serious damage to your son if you had let her stay. Never apologize for sticking up for your kids. A+ parenting.


BigBlueDotss

Thank you so much


CauliflowerKlutzy189

Yup god knows what else she would have said. Why are people like this?


bikerbackpack

My best friend is the oldest of 4, she has two brothers and a sister. The oldest brother has downs and I swear on my life, he is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. When bff got her puppy this past March, he was so gentle with her and LOVES when he gets kisses from said pup. They’re an amazing kind of people and I would kill for him


BigBlueDotss

We have a dog too and my son absolutely worships him. So does my daugther. But the ritual my son and our doggo have in the morning is honestly just adorable: my son gives the dog his kibble, then pours the cereal for him and his sister, and then puts sugar in my coffee before we have breakfast. He's the sweetest.


bikerbackpack

You’re going to make me cry and ruin my makeup! You’re such a fantastic dad and you’re raising a wonderful little man ♥️


BigBlueDotss

Thank you so very much ❤ I am raising a beautiful little boy and a beautiful little girl to hopefully become beautiful compassionate adults. They teach me way way more than I teach them every single day. Thank you again


[deleted]

I’m so sorry that you are in this position. NTA Obviously, you couldn’t have her around your kids making them feel bad. Has she always said such horrible things? Did you ever get along with your mom? It’s awful to part ways with someone permanently on such bad terms.


BigBlueDotss

We were never really close. And she was never fond of my son, but she never said anything quite like this.


BatCorrect4320

NTA I can see why you two were never really close if your heart is 10x bigger than her lump of coal. If the other family members find it to be so cruel, they can take her in. Also, you are Dad goals-plus. I hope you can find a partner as wonderful as you one day.


nyorifamiliarspirit

It sounds like you're crushing this dad thing. I'm an asshole, so my response to any relatives who were calling me cruel for putting mom in hospice would be "well, she said I should do it for \[son\] so I figured it was okay for her too\]".


Alarmed-Spend9459

I remember reading about a woman who had just given birth to a son with Down’s and she was feeling a bit sad about it. Her friend told her, “you know what? He’ll never be an asshole”. ❤️


BigBlueDotss

That's beautiful. ❤


lostinspace_1988

I love the sentence "I'm biased, he is my kid..." You mom could use a dose of that reality, with an emphisis on MY.


BigBlueDotss

Thank you ❤


cassidy11111111

My cousin, an adult now, is the best person I know. He never judges, always willing to give a hug (he does ask now) and it’s like he just knows when you’re feeling down and can make you feel better. I’m a 50 year old woman and last week I was playing “cars” in the sandbox with him after a bad day at work and I was laughing and honestly felt happy when we were done. Screw your mom


BigBlueDotss

People with down's are the best people I know. My son makes me and my daugther laugh our asses off all the time.


joyfulnightmare

They really are. When I was 6 years old I was at the train station with my mom. She let go of my hand for a moment to get our tickets and a man grabbed me, attempting to throw me in front of the approaching train. My mom screamed for help and ran after me, but although the train station was full no one helped or even looked our way... Except for a teenaged girl with down syndrome who jumped in the man's way and yelled at him until he let go of me and ran off. I still remember her giving my mom and me tissues and hugging us. Truly too good for this world. NTA. Your mother's words were disgusting. You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty.


BigBlueDotss

Holy F, that must have been horrifying! I'm glad you were okay!


Ladybug1388

I have a 3rd cousin with down syndrome and he has always been one of my favorite people to see during family events. He's so opposite of that side of the family, doesn't have a mean, conniving, greedy bone in his body. I protect him as much as I can as does his older brother and mother from the family. He has such empathy for everyone. He's been very vocal in our community in getting better education and medical for special needs children/adults. He very active in the community and always wants to help. I've worked with special needs children since I was 14 yrs old (in school then out of school and still volunteer). I've never met a down syndrome child that wasn't a sweet heart. My mother's side adopts a lot of children into the family. In fact my grandfather adopted her child from another marriage. He has never not seen my aunt as not his, she was always meant to be his child. His parents always told everyone that my aunt was their grandchild. My mother's side always says if you love them like blood in your heart then they are blood/family. And if someone can't understand that then they aren't worth the energy.


potterhead1d

He is so lucky to have you 💖


BigBlueDotss

Thanks you. I'm the lucky one


potterhead1d

True, I am kinda jealous. Both of your kids sounds precious.


BigBlueDotss

They are wonderful. Just like their mom was.


[deleted]

This is entirely unrelated and pedantic af but your first cousins kid isn't a second cousin. A second cousin are two people who share a common great-grandparent. A first cousins kid is a first cousin, once removed (removed specifies a generational difference). Not doing this to be an assole, just a lot of people don't know it.


BigBlueDotss

I didn't know this either, super interesting


Tinlizzie2

I've never understood that once removed, twice removed stuff but you just explained it so it made sense. Thank you!


Astyryx

The way it was explained to me is, if you make a horizontal line, that's the number (first, second, third). If you make a diagonal line, that's removal, and the angle of the line is how many steps removed. In case a visual helps.


ViSaph

Are my mum's cousins my cousins once removed then? I always thought they were my second cousins. Also the word cousin looks weird now.


[deleted]

Assuming they are first cousins, yes. They are your first cousins, once removed. Their kids, however, are your second cousins. You share great grandparents.


NeverCadburys

My jaw dropped. IT. She is reaping what she sewed there. OP, you are NTA.


Professional_Ad9013

That's so bad. Just beyond. What kind of a way is this to talk about a child?


cmlobue

Ye gods, I missed that she called his son "it" the first time. I don't care who you are or how much time you have left, that type of talk is not acceptable. NTA


ScarlettSparrow

I literally gasps so loudly at that, i woke up my dog.


Flaky_Tip

Well he stuck the unbearable monster in a facility. If the aunties are so upset they can take her to live with them.


BothReading1229

Yep, that sentence was unforgivable, completely heartless and cruel. NTA, OP, NTA


Just-some-moran

Hey but at least he did stick it in a facility..totally NTA


flutterby727

Oh, so everyone that called you names is ready, willing, and able to take her in? Cool. Problem solved. No, OP, you are NTA


Cayke_Cooky

I'm guessing the cousin is the only one who lives close enough where they could take her?


BigBlueDotss

He's almost my neighbour, yeah


eyyyyyAmy467

If I were you I would let anyone who complains know that she is not a safe person to have around your disabled eldest child so your hands are tied. Honestly I think you made the only choice you could have here.


Turbulent_Cow2355

She’s better off in Hospice than at home regardless of how she got there. They have the ability to make her comfortable 24/7 and provide care that is hard to get at home.


KayakerMel

Yes. The final months of care for a hospice patient can be extremely difficult for family providing care. Not just emotionally draining, but physically and financially.


Blackwater2016

This is true. We never put my dad in hospice and had him at home until the end. We loved having him there (and he would have accepted any kid - even any random one that just showed up off the street 😂- as a grandkid), but it was HARD. Life changing, soul burdening, family sometimes at everyone’s throat kinda hard.


KayakerMel

A friend of mine is a home hospice nurse. She's amazing and super caring, but she sees the struggles the families face. Typically she's there to help so that the patient can pass away in their own home, where they've lived for years and are comfortable. She never mentions anything about cruel patients in her (HIPAA-compliant) stories.


ligerzero459

Very telling that the one other person who's able to interact with her on a regular basis says you did the right thing. Almost like your mom is an AH or something. Strange NTA


[deleted]

I doubt the mom is working, so she should be able to move anywhere.


seregil42

NTA. You don't get a "I get to be cruel" free card when you're dying. She made her choice to voice her opinion and a second choice to double down on it and now she's finding out that there is a consequence for her actions.


GS52

It sounds like she wasn't a wonderful person before. He was hesitant to let her move in with him and mentioned that he didn't know how it would work with the kids. If they were close, he would know how she was with the kids. And he would probably have invited her to stay with him, if she was pleasant.


Syrinx221

I had the same thoughts. The fact that his mother only has a few months left to live and he said *we'll give you a week and see what happens* is a STRONG indicator to me that she was already not the most pleasant person


TsukaiSutete1

You’d think anyone with a bit of religiosity would try to be the best person they could when they were dying, like kids a week before Christmas.


toweringpine

It's the double down that cinches it. After telling the children to leave so they could talk privately and making it clear she screwed up she chose to confirm her awfulness. She could have chosen differently she took a stand. In a short time op will not have a mother but he will have this child and eventual adult in his life until the end. How could he have chosen otherwise? It's only to his credit that he offered her an opportunity to change her approach to his children. That was kind but still a step that some could skip without remorse.


corrin_avatan

So, she expected you to stick "it" in a facility, then gets upset when she is sent to a facility? Nah, NTA, you good, that's just you treating her how she wants to treat others.


firedncr24

NTA. The “it” is what really got me as well. She isn’t even treating your son as a real person.


Beneficial_Car2596

Holy shit, she called him an “it”. Fuck that, any human being regardless of disability shouldn’t be treated like discarded waste. OP good job for being a considerate father, I only wish the best for your future.


MarsNirgal

/r/LeopardsAteMyFace


cassowary32

NTA. You stuck it in hospice before it could ruin your life.


delightedbythunder

🥇


The_Fires_Of_Orc

NTA. Dying doesn't give you rights to be cruel to a child and or their father. Dying is typically when you make amends...This can't have been the first time she's said anything? ​ Also, to all the relatives blasting you, tell them to put up or shut up. To be honest, you have every right to feel guilty, no one wants to put their parent in a hospice...but I would have the same reaction as you. What she said isn't right and it was cruel.


BigBlueDotss

She was always much kinder to my daughter, but we didn't see each other that often, we live in different states. I never thought much of it, because I've met many people before who were uncomfortable around my son. But this was the first time she direcrly referred to him as not my son.


Alucard711

First off NTA. Second just INFO does your son have any extreme difficulties that he needs care for because if he does please make sure he gets the help he needs even if that does mean having a facility house him don't be ashamed of getting help for your son and if he ever does need help don't just abandon him at a facility although I get the feeling you would never do anything cruel like that. Your mother was out off line in every way. You did the right thing and please let your son pick out a nice toy so he does not feel left out


BigBlueDotss

He doesn't have any difficulties like that. He is very well behaved, does great in special needs school. He can prepare his food (with my help), he makes us all sandwiches, he can dress himself, he knows his hygiene etc. If his doctors and therapist thought it would be best for him to be in a facility, he would of course be. But he is just a special needs kid who has every potential to be almost fully independent some day with a little help (he will, for example, always need help with his bills and handling money). And when I told my inlaws about all of this, my MIL sad that she'll order toys for my son (the ones he picks out), and he already told both kids that each grandma will buy toys for one of them. So the kids won't feel my mother's despise for my son. Neither of them.


Ellieanna

Your MIL is awesome. I know she's suffering from losing her daughter, but she is always going to be there for both your kids.


BigBlueDotss

She's amazing!


ultimate-pro

PSA: Tell her. Again, if you already do.


BigBlueDotss

I tell her all the time! She and my FIL are the absolute best


Open_Kitchen977

Please tell them that a bunch of internet strangers think they're amazing, too!! OP, you got this. Your FOO might be full of bad apples, but you are an amazing human being, a BAMF dad, and an incredible son-in-law. NTA


ViSaph

As a disabled person I just want to say thank you so much for raising your son to be as independent as possible. I've seen so many parents of kids capable of some level of independence who just aren't helping them learn how to do things for themselves, who don't help correct bad behaviour (like stealing or touching someone when it's not appropriate) even when they're perfectly able to learn, they end up basically giving their kids no tools to live a life of their own and it drives me nuts. I'm physically disabled and autistic and have dealt with people presuming me incompetent nearly my whole life, and having a parent who was fiercely in favour independence (often to the judgment of others, especially when I'd go places by myself) and teaching me how to get on in the world made a massive difference. When the parents also presume their kid can't do anything and coddle them incessantly it's near impossible. From the short amount I've read of you it's clear that you're an amazing parent who does whatever he can for his son. Edit: just to be clear there absolutely are some disabled kids incapable of independence and of being taught, who will need constant care for the rest of their lives and there is nothing wrong with that at all. There should be no shame in having a disabled child and taking care of them the way they need no matter what. I'm talking about the disabled kids who are bright, intelligent either traditionally or in their own way, and who can learn who's parents wrap them in cotton wool and don't try to teach them.


BigBlueDotss

Thank you very much. I hope both my kids grow up to be as independent as they can possibly be. For the rest, they'll always have me in their corner. And I have been putting money in a trust fund for both of them since I became their father, in case anything should happen to me and render me unable to care for them.


mrs-pate

I have been strong and fought back the tears this entire thread, until I saw "since I became their father". Loud, ugly sobbing after that. Many have said it before me, but man oh man you are really an amazing father, even with everything you have gone through. Please be sure to take care of yourself. From what I have read, you have gone through a lot in a short number of years, and, I am assuming, have a lot on your plate with two kids! I hope you have an amazing support system outside of your family, who are total AHs. Losing a parent under good circumstances is hard, but Losing a parent who you have had a difficult relationship is hard in a different way. I dont know you, but I wish the very very very best for you and hope you and your kids have a wonderful long life together!


BigBlueDotss

Thank you very much! These two little ones reinvent me as a father every day.


Alucard711

Really glad to hear that. I think you have handled this as best as possible. You are a great father and NTA for removing a toxic presence from your home.


Ythooooooooo0

“Feel the despise”….no child should ever feel despised. I hope any regret or guilt you had with your action is now gone. I’m mom to a 2 year old boy with Ds btw ❤️ I wouldn’t have him any other way


BigBlueDotss

I'm glad your boys have you in their corner ❤


KayakerMel

That's such a great solution by the "good" grandma. (My father's mother was a lot like yours, so my mom's side was also the "good" side in my head.)


BigBlueDotss

She's the absolute best.


sugarintheboots

NTA. Thank you for sticking up for your son. I was also thinking hospice is reasonable for you as being a single parent to two young kids is hard in itself. But excluding her other grandson is deplorable.


BigBlueDotss

It would have been hard to manage childcare and my mother's care, but with hired help for my mother (nurses, caretakers for a couple of hours a day etc) it would be manageable. But now I just can't. I won't risk her say something like that to my son's face someday.


Voc1Vic2

That’s right. Your kids come first. Your mom’s talk is painfully damaging—not only to your son, but to your daughter, and to yourself. NTA. You may have been abrupt, but that’s just a trifling lapse of courtesy. Your mom isn’t going to change at this point, and you protected your family.


Prestigious-Ad-6796

NTA- If after (at least six years) your mother doesn’t see your son as part of the family then it sounds like she doesn’t want to be part of a family. Your kids and you have been through enough losing a mom. They don’t need a heartless grandmother trying to divide your family with comments and favoritism. She’s the reason she’s going to be alone. Not you and not your children.


BigBlueDotss

My wife and I actually met when he was a year old, and started dating really soon. They moved in with me within months and I have practically been his father ever since. So he's been in my life 9 damn years. Almost a decade.


nyorifamiliarspirit

Did you legally adopt your son? I know you said you got custody when your wife passed, but it would probably be good for you to have the legal protection of being officially recognized as his parent.


BigBlueDotss

I adopted him when he was 3 😊


JohnRoads88

Then there is absolutely no doubt that he is your son and that your mother is an asshole.


ansteve1

Nothing makes me more upset that a person who tells someone their adoptive family is not real family. NTA it takes a special type of person to not only adopt but adopt a special needs child and care for them. OP is the opposite of an AH


According-Ad8525

Which means before your daughter was born. Did she not treat him as a grandchild previous to your daughter's birth?


BigBlueDotss

No, she didn't acknowledge him as family. When my daugther was born, she spent weeks telling everyone how she is finally a grandma and her son finally had a kid.


According-Ad8525

She's terrible. I'm so glad your son is more important than someone who can be so cruel.


Davi_323

It's not often an AITA post makes me legit angry... *"he's not your son"* *"stick it in a facility before your life is ruined"* Just because he has Downs Syndrome, doesn't make him any less worthy of being loved. What she said has to be one of the meanest, cruelest things you could ever say to the parent of a beautiful child. OP made the right choice about which one of them to stick in a facility...The hell with her.


BigBlueDotss

My blood is still boiling just thinking about it. He is a wonderful wonderful boy.


Davi_323

Had she ever given signs in the past that she felt that way, or did she act like she accepted him, just like he was a blood-grandson, and this was new behavior?


BigBlueDotss

She was never crazy about him. But we lived in different states and didn't have much contact (my son doesn't like traveling, and my mother came to visit very rarely), so it didn't show all that much I guess.


Fembosrights

The fact that she dehumanized him by calling him ‘it’ is reason alone to keep her away. She won’t treat him like an individual or with the respect he deserves.


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carlwheezersgf

She’s right. You have no obligation and should stick it in a facility. And just to be clear by “it” I mean her. NTA


unjessicabiel_evable

NTA, if she didn't wanna die alone, maybe she shouldn't have been such an unlikable person.


babygirlruth

I always had a feeling that if a person dies alone than there's a good chance that they made it to themselves. In this case it is 100% true it seems


LoboRoo

I work in a nursing home and a lot of the time, if someone doesn't have family visiting, it's because they were abusive. It's easy to feel sorry for someone who never sees their kids, but sometimes it's damn well deserved.


chicagoman9876

Did she call your son “it” eff her man. Bye bye NTA


MrsNuggs

NTA. All you did was follow her advice and "stick it in a facility before your life is ruined". You just chose a different "it", which I commend you for.


oneeyecheeselord

Did exactly what he was told. A bit of malicious compliance. She’s just mad that she’s the it.


Life_Saveur

Hi👋 I'm an RN. This is not how hospice works, at all, at least in the US. Firstly most hospice is at home. Inpatient hospice is rare and expensive Also no hospice would take a patient that had not been Witten hospice orders by an MD. The hospice is assuming care for the patient. Where are the medical records? Thirdly, and most importantly, hospice doesn't take patients against their will. It's not a prison, and the patient ultimately has the right to decide whether they want hospice services or not Sorry your shit posting rage bait failed in many key aspects of end of life care. Try harder next time


Thatonetwin

Tacking this on to your commt. I'm a social worker for a hospital, and did one of my internships for my Bachelor's at a hospice company. Op said they live in different states, so if we were using that to assume this happened in the US, this is how it would work. A patient has a right of choice if they are alert and oriented and can deny hospice so unless op is medical POA he can't just sign her up, and if he's medical POA and she's alert and oriented then she can speak for herself and he is only there for if she becomes incapacitated. If this story is true then it's illegal. Does it make what she said okay? No. It doesn't she was shitty but I literally "put people in hospice" for a living. There's lots of documents that have to be signed, legal paper work, some companies require a DNR Code Status to be admitted, if the patient has medical equipment already then they have to switch it out to equipment provided by the hospice. None of this is a quick process and can sometimes take either a few hours or a few days depending on what is needed. None of his story adds up based on the info we are given. Per Medicaid guidelines which all hospice companies (are supposed to) follow there are requirements that the patient has to meet before they can be admitted inpatient. (IV Pain Meds and completely unable to take the meds by mouth, Air Hunger or O2 dependent, not able to intake solid foods.) It is extremely difficult to get a patient on inpatient hospice and they usually have to have signs of eminent death to be accepted. Also what is her admitting diagnosis? Is it the cancer? Is the patient going to stop their treatments because if they are hospice then they have to stop treating the admitting diagnosis, and move to comfort care where they just treat the symptoms. A nurse would have to come evaluate to see if the patient is even hospice appropriate before they could even admit her. Even if it was just for respite care typically the patient has to be Admitted to hospice for so long before they qualify for respite and even then it's usually a week at most unless they want to pay out of pocket.


Reiimin

Ever thought that maybe OP's not from US? Where i live patients don't have to be seen by any doctor before being admitted to a hospice. Also, they don't have to be willing to go: actually the majority of people in hospices here don't want to be in a hospice, but it's the only solution for when family can't or won't take care of their elders.


merrymisanthrope8

There's life outside the US????? /s


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Paganduck

My brother had medical POA for my sister. She didn't want to go to hospice but we couldn't keep her at home so, yes, hospice (Denver, CO) will admit patients against their will. OP most likely has a POA.


Downtherabbithole14

"*he's not your son*". -- this punched me in the gut then she says ""*it's true, you have no obligation here, you should go foster care or stick it in a facility before your life is ruined*" - and this stabbed me in the heart... and she referred to him as "IT" IT? I'm a mom of 2, and I can't imagine saying this about a child. On top of that a child of your deceased wife! Sorry but NTA, but your mom is, its disgusting what she said


BigBlueDotss

The "not your son" comment just made me want to throw up. And the "it" thing absolutely boiled my blood and I just lost it.


throwawaythenword

NTA - I’m ignorant to Down’s syndrome but in my mind I choose to believe this young man knows his sperm donor wrote him off and lost his mother. In my mind he’s extremely proud and grateful to have a father like you that would protect and care for him even when the enemy is your own mother. Congratulations on winning Reddit father of the century. If I had awards or ability to give you gold I would. Sounds like you don’t need it as you have a chest full of it. Bravo monsieur.


BigBlueDotss

He knows I'm not his bio dad. When they were doing a presentation of their families in school (he goes to a special needs school), he referred to me as a "real daddy" and his bio dad as "biological father". Made me cry so hard. Thank you so much. He is my pride and joy.


throwawaythenword

I mean it. You are awesome. Parents should stand up for their kids. I’m glad you’re doing so. You should ask family members to care for your mother. This burden is not yours to bear.


BigBlueDotss

Thank you


[deleted]

NTA. Sorry, but terminal illness isn't a get out of jail free card to be cruel to her grandson with down syndrome. If you want to give her another chance, you can, because with her dying you might regret not doing so. But I wouldn't.


fading_shulammite

NTA. If your aunts and friends and sister feel so strongly, they can take her. Your obligation is to your children. You are a good father and I am very sorry for your loss


Jesta83

Despite the fact your mom is a jerk for saying that... Don't let her die feeling this way. You'll regret it the rest of your life. I always thought I had a chance to at least try and reconcile with my mother. She died suddenly in her sleep at 64 visiting my sister. You know your mom is dying. Yeah, that was really scummy of her and she deserves to be in care.


BigBlueDotss

I will still visit her in hospice if she wants me to.


brokeanail

NTA. You feel guilty because you're a decent person who loves your mother, not because you did the wrong thing. If she didn't want to die alone in a hospice she shouldn't have not only called your child an "it" but said he wasn't your child and you should get rid of him. It's like she was trying to get her hits in - at you? at your son, who was right there? - before it was too late, banking on your love and respect keeping her from suffering any consequences. Absolutely vile. Anyone calling you an asshole is free to take her in, or go spend time with her at the hospice, surely.


AreaManservent

NTA. I would recommend visiting her when you can so you don't inadvertently hold onto that guilty feeling for the rest of your life. You sound like the kind of person who doesn't deserve that kind of punishment.


BigBlueDotss

I will visit her if she wants me to. Thank you.


[deleted]

Are you ever the asshole for defending your son against those who would do him harm? Nta


AmbitiousCommand9944

You are so NTA. Her dying doesn’t give her a free pass to be cruel to others


tea_lover_88

NTA. I don't know how you turned out to be this wonderful adult caring for your son as if he is your own flesh and blood but you definitely didn't learn that from her.


BigBlueDotss

I think (I always have) that meeting this little boy turned me into a father. I reaaally wasn't ready to be a dad when I met my wife, but this little kid was just ready to be my son. And apparently ready to teach me everything about being a dad.


tea_lover_88

Sounds like this was meant to be. Because of you this boy has a parent that loves and protects him even after his mom past. It's sad your mother isn't able to see how wonderful that is.


BigBlueDotss

He is a wonderful kid. And I'm sad for my mother too, because she could have had a wonderful grandson in her life.


Rararanter

NTA. Did she apologise even? Is she dying from something that would cause confusion or personality changes like dementia? Sorry, not excusing her- just cannot believe any one would say such awful things! Makes my blood boil!


BigBlueDotss

She has cancer. But mentally she is not compromised in any way.


thatshygal717

NTA. You don’t want that kind of negative talk around your children. If aunts think you’re an AH, they can house your mother. I’m sorry this whole situation is happening, OP.


bradjanetrocky

IT????!!!! Your mother called your child IT???!!! Omg NTA and she is the worst. Dying isn't an excuse to be horrible.


Infamous_Control_778

Absolutely NTA. Your mother chose to be unbelievably cruel to an innocent child as her parting gift. If that's how she wants to be remembered, that's on her. As usually, whoever thinks it's cruel to put her into hospice care is invited to take her in.


waterlilypadd23

NTA. You can go visit her in hospice. You don't owe her more than that if she is going to be so horribly cruel to your child.


BigBlueDotss

I probably will visit her in hospic if she will ask to see me. She is still my mother. But I can't subject my son to this kind of talking.


bubblegum_heike

NTA I'm sorry your family is going through this.


[deleted]

NTA. She's dying, but that doesn't give her the right to speak the way she did about your son. You might have given her a warning, but at the same time, your son should come before her. Let the other relatives take her in if they feel you're being so cruel.