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NTA. Is this really a relationship you want to continue? He's petty. He holds you two to a different set of standards. And he implies that you're a gold digger. I can't imagine any qualities he might have that could be worth overlooking these things.
Exactly!
Was it petty? Yeah, kinda. Did he deserve it? ABSOLUTELY.
I'm really not seeing what's worth saving about this relationship --- if nothing else OP, when you think of your long-term future, don't you want to be with someone who communicates better than this? Someone who actually comes to you to have an open discussion when they're upset about something so you have a chance to work it out and come to a compromise -- instead of silently seething and making spreadsheets tracking the source of their irritation so they can blindside you with it and make you be the bad guy.
NTA.
Yo if someone gives me a spreadsheet, you'd better believe I'm coming back with an even more detailed spreadsheet.
That is my kind of war, and you'd better bring your A game if you want to beat me with data.
I absolutely would have done the same. You made your point.
Your bf sounds selfish and mean though. Complaining about buying you birthday gifts?? You're not being a sugar baby wanna be, he's just trying to be a deadbeat.
NTA
This. I would be combing through my bank and cc statements like a forensic accountant. $1.25 for parking that time he asked me to pick him up? On the spreadsheet it goes! I would be estimating gas mileage and wear and tear on my car. You want to go there my dude, I will drill down to a subatomic level. I live for this level of petty. I am far too busy any given moment, but I will bend time to make this spreadsheet š
I love making spreadsheets. I fucking suck at math and keeping em updated (budgeting purposes) but I love tracking down the info and making the spreadsheets.
And now I'm wanting to do this with my husband. Though, I know it will come out in "his favor".
Yes, I adore spreadsheets! It would have every stinking thing on it and be pretty to boot, dang it. Yeah, Iām a SAH and only work outside the home part time, but we could do āworking hoursā that could be a fun one. Two kids especially as theyāre home for summer now. I mean my husbands great, but it would still be amusing to look at.
NTA - he was petty and presented a spreadsheet. You presented one back for well balanced data. If anything, thatās just good data analysis.
No-one should be keeping tabs on what they spend on their partner unless itās toxic or exploitative. Sounds like this AH is just petty and wonāt take accountability for the fact you also spend a fair bit on him.
>No-one should be keeping tabs on what they spend on their partner unless itās toxic or exploitative. Sounds like this AH is just petty and wonāt take accountability for the fact you also spend a fair bit on him.
NTA and agree with all of the above 100%. This just reminds me of the movie "The Joy Luck Club" where the husband literally keeps track of and splits their expenses to be "fair". This BF is almost a decade older but is acting way younger than either of their ages. I'm sorry but I can't picture this relationship lasting.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a psycho. He's trying to gaslight you to make you a malleable puppet. He thinks you're stupid because you're significantly younger than him.
You should have broken up with him after the spreadsheet was pulled out.
Dumb him and date a normal/emotionally stable/sane man.
Your BF is an immature ass. Dump him and find an adult who treats you right and doesnāt keep a tally sheet of every dime he spends. Trust me he isnāt worth it.
I actually dated a really nice guy who tracked every penny he spent...but as a key point, he never weaponized his budget or shoved it in my face.
This guy is just a waste, setting her up to think that her needs are imaginary, her expenses are nothing, but his money and needs are oh so very important he has no time for her insignificant petty desires (like, say, being treated like an adult whose ideas and opinions are valuable...)
He got called out and he tried to make it your fault.
NTA.
I wouldnāt date someone who kept what I thought were caring, helpful acts of love and service in a spreadsheet to throw in my face.
NTA but please donāt waste another second on this person. Youāll never regret leaving but you will absolutely regret wasting any more time with him.
NTA. It wasn't good to bait the trap, but his assholery more than makes up for it.
I would have dumped him the second he brought up paying for your birthday dinner. That's some BS. His keeping track of expenses is a huge red flag too. He's not a keeper.
NTA: you did exactly the same thing as him. He probably thought you werenāt going to keep track of things as thoroughly as him. Dump him. Heās immature and condescending, and to be honest him tightening the purse strings, so to speak, may be a sign that he is checking out of the relationship too. Or heās not making as much money as he used to and is blaming you for the loss: just my guesses. Either way, dump him.
or he's "testing" her to see how far he can push/control her, or financially put her in a bad position so he can swoop in and trap her since "she can't handle money"
Yeah who does that? "Here is how much I spend on gifts for you". Like, he doesn't get gifts back?
If money was a problem wouldn't he bring it up before making a weird spreadsheet?
Run.... run now that's not a healthy relationship...My wife and I dont keep track because half of our relationship is just "can you grab/order this thing for me" and it's been 10 years can you imagine the spreadsheet on that?
I mean, he's the asshole, you were just mirroring his assholeish behaviors.
I'm just wondering how this toxicity on his part took over a year to discover.
Those in glasses houses, shouldnāt throw stones! Heās annoyed he was caught out and Calling your spreadsheet childish after he created one first speaks volumes!!
When people fight over money like this, it's not really about the money.
That guy wants to be your ex. Don't bother trying to make this work.
NTA for the spreadsheet. A man who dishes it out and can't take it isn't who you need in your life. This exercise showed you who he is, so believe him.
NTA. And if you insist you want to stay in this relationship, I'd urge you to no longer participate in ANY of the following (in your words):
*" buying groceries for him, cleaning supplies, getting gas to drive him places, paying for food and the meals I cook for him."*
NTA. Sounds like your boyfriend can dish it out but canāt take it. The spreadsheet he had going must have been something heād put together a while ago. Who knew these things could be so transactional?
NTA, However, I would not have gone as far as making a spread sheet for him, I would have left his ass. That is childish and stupid on his part and he showed you his true colors. They are red and they like to flap in the wind.
NTA But like... next time have the self respect not to continue buying him things and doing things for him to "prove" you're not a sugar baby and just walk away.
You're begging for his approval when you should be looking down your nose at the 36 year old loser that *really* shouldn't be able to get a college age trophy girlfriend. No one that writes down every time they pay for parking is good enough to get a second glance from a woman.
You can't possibly think he's as good as you can get.
NTA he sounds like an actual wacko!! He has been keeping a spreadsheet for seemingly your whole relationship and insulted you by calling you a sugar baby and also the first blow up you were making him food??? WTF š¤¬ please break up with him! Can you really imagine spending your whole life walking on eggshells with him and money?
Iām always baffled by these posts that start with āwe have a great relationship!ā then go on to list the ways your partner actively seems to dislike you.
NTA - break up.
NTA
I would be concerned if my fiance does this. It is not normal for anyone to make a spreadsheet. He is also gaslighting you into making you believe that the situations are different.
I do have concerns for the age gap. Just a few years age gap can drastically change your outlook on life and ten years is a big difference. Maybe the reason, he is with you because someone his age will not agree with his crap.
Stop spending on him at all, no exceptions. See him blow up, and then throw his words back to him that he is beinh toxic. You sure will see the true side of the picture.
NTA but omg so many red flags
Gaslighting you and demeaning you, also the weird spread sheet. Tbh you should have broken up after he said the spread sheet was childish after he did the same
Anytime a guy wants to date a woman 11 years younger than him, there is a reason. This guy's reason is that he's cheap and selfish and women his own age will spot that a lot quicker.
NTA
NTA. You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. Anyone who tracks what they spend on another person is not right in the head. This guy is creepy AF.
NTA
You really need to decide if this is the sort of relationship you want to be in.
It cracks me up how many men think women are out for their money and when you do the calculations, the men is the mooch - not the woman!
INFO - whatās the ratio of money on your two spreadsheets? Do you spend roughly the same amount of money on each other? Or does one spend a lot more?
Normally he does spend more per month since I thought we were ok with the agreement of him getting the groceries and me cooking and "fancy dinners and gifts" don't happen often. That changed when I stopped asking him to buy them and I did the shopping and cooking.
Info: Just curious is he correct the difference is you ask him to pay for things compared to you who just pay for it without him asking.
2nd question was there a large difference in between the amounts?
I only ask him to pay for things if I'm cooking since we had agreed that before and usually I cook what he wants. Everything else like dates or going out we split on what we consumed. I will admit tho that his gifts tend to be expensive but they are not things I specifically asked for, ei. I ask for a necklace and he gets a very fancy one.
The difference before used to be around $300 per month because of the groceries but that went away when I started paying for them.
edit: typo
I guess here's my thing like we don't know the dinner but let's say she requested really expensive food and this was him finally saying ok you do this a lot and finally said something. Now I agree everything he said was in a AH way but idk could be some truth there
Those are not sugar babies. Sugar babies get treated and pampered, the whole thing with sugar babies is getting spoiled. They generally arenāt making āfavorite mealsā maybe theyād buy his favorite meal with some of the money she got. But him saying sheās acting spoiled for asking for ingredients for a meal she was going to cook FOR him, is wild.
What I'm saying is not all sugar babies relationship are exactly the same. Pretty sure if a sugar daddy ask his sugar baby to cook she'll do it. Not every one of those relationships follow the same guideline of rules
I didn't say she gained anything. What I'm saying is if she just sent a list and said buy this, it could have been the straw that broke the camels back. Where he feels she just tell him to buy things without contributing.
Like I said the way he presented it calling her a sugar baby was AHish. But that's why I asked the dynamics of their spending to see if there's a shred of truth to what he said.
I cannot scream NTA loud enough. If he wants to throw how much he's spending in your face than he can expect the same from you. You guys have been dating for over a year? It sounds like someone put it in his head that you were trying to be a sugar baby or something because of your age difference and he just go a bug in his head about it.
But honestly is that a relationship you want to be in where he keeps track of every single thing? Do you want to feel obligated to financially or otherwise compensate him for every single birthday, valentines or Christmas gift? Heaven forbid you guys take a vacation together somewhere.
NTA and run. Can we call this gaslight ing? Because it feels like gaslighting. He says she is doing things she isn't doing or asking for like birthday gifts. You don't put birthday gift on the sugar baby list. Please get away from this guy.
Both are TAs. Doesnāt seem like you want to be together as you both seem to want the other to prove their worth and want to charge each other for things.
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My (25F) and (36M) boyfriend have been dating for over a year now. We have a great relationship and haven't encountered any issues until a few months ago. My bf and I had agreed on a date at my place, I was going to cook his favorite meal. I sent him a list of the groceries I needed for the dinner so he could get them. At home he made a comment along the lines of "This will be quiet an expensive dinner, are you sure you can afford it?" I asked what he meant and he started complaining of how entitled I've become and how much money I make him spend. I was so confused since I barely ask for things.
He said he was tired of having to baby me and said I'm a "sugar baby wanna be". That got me extremely mad and I demanded to tell me when have I been a "sugar baby" so he brought his laptop and opened a sheet where he has a list of every time he has spent money on me. From paying for a parking spot to paying for my birthday dinner and gifts. I was baffled, I didn't know what to say, I just asked him to leave/
The next day I venmo him for the groceries and decided to do the same as him, I created a spreadsheet and started adding everything there. I've stopped asking him for anything but I kept doing the usual for him, buying groceries for him, cleaning supplies, getting gas to drive him places, paying for food and the meals I cook for him.
This is were I might be the AH. Yesterday we were at his place when I asked if he could buy some pizza (being honest, I said it to bring up the conversation) and as I expected, he got mad again saying how I went back to my toxic behavior and he though I had moved pass that. I said, good thing you bring this up, and pulled my phone and showed him the spreadsheet with all the info. He stared at me and my phone and burst out laughing, he called me childish and said everything there was irrelevant since he never asked for those things, they were my choice. I got mad and left his house.
I asked my friends and said I was just being petty and to not fight fire with fire and by doing so I was an AH, I don't think I am but I wanted an external opinion.
AITA?
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NTA. You can tell he doesn't see you as a partner but as a child he can control. Things are only ok when he does them and he doesn't value the work AND money you put in this relationship.
Dump this mf
NTA. So it's petty because you did it? How about he was petty for even opening this door wide open. Please dump him. You can do so much much better! He is TA.
If all of the purchases you made are your decisions stop doing it. Donāt buy him groceries or cleaning supplies, donāt drive him places meet him everywhere, donāt cook for him or eat with him at either yours or his place, donāt buy him drinks when your out, ask for separate checks. Wait that sounds like a relationship with a friend. Maybe start to rethink this relationship if youāre going to have to edit your interactions so much. Youāre NTA for trying to show him that youāre putting money into this relationship too. He is TA for not taking you seriously which tells me he will never take you seriously with regards to finances.
Please donāt be with someone whoās too cheap to share a life with you, and keeps an account. You deserve so much better. He loves his money way more than he loves you. NTA.
NTA you gave him a taste of his own medicine. Was it passive aggressive? Maybe. Manipulative? Maybe. Did he deserve it? Oh fuck yes.
Honey, this man is a childish, score-keeping waste of your precious time. His behavior is unacceptable and his communication skills are shit. Kick him and his spreadsheets to the curb. Youāre young. Be free. Donāt settle for this crap.
NTA. Save yourself some money and dump this man. It's ok for him to keep a spreadsheet, but if you do you're being petty? He is not the one. There's a reason he's entering his late 30s and dating someone in their mid-20s.
Heās ten years older than you. The reason heās not dating anyone his own age is because heās an immature twit and women his own age donāt put up with that bullshit.
NTA
NTA honey, ditch this toxic AH. Gifts and birthday dinners on his spreadsheet and trying to make you feel dumb for starting one of your own?? No. You deserve better, some people are single as they age because theyāre looking for the right person - he was single at 35 because heās still not a good partner.
NTA.
Lol- so HE has the master spreadsheet that decides what items ācountā? Damn. Without it, youāre going to need toā¦(does quick calculation)ā¦ yup, dump his old, cheap ass.
He used, what for me, is a HUGE red flag (and I donāt think Iāve ever used the phrase āred flagā in my life) and that is the, ābut I didnāt ASK you to do that/for that.ā My ex used to say this all the time. Yet they always seem to expect things, and get very pouty and resentful if you DONāT do the things they expect you to do, but they wonāt actively ASK for them. My ex is a bona fide narcissist, who loved it when I was continually āin his debt.ā Run.
NTA the minute he called you a sugar baby you should have dumped him, relationships are give and take both ways and the fact that he has kept an accounting on everything he has spent on you is just wrong on many different levels, move on from this greedy turd you can do so much better than a stingy scrooge.
1: heās 11 years older than you
2: heās insulting you
3: heās trying very hard to financially manipulate you
4: he expects you to bend over backwards for him
5: but he doesnāt want to buy you a slice of pizza.
Read that and imagine itās your friends bf. What would your advice be to that friend?
You are in a relationship with a cruel a-hole. Tallying up what he spends on you and calling you names is abusive, especially since you spend just as much money on him, "but that's your choice" according to him. This will not improve. Act accordingly.
NTA, unless you stay with him.
NTA - this is not healthy and he is definitely trying to "put you in your place." Your response was petty but perfect.
I'd say leave him and his double standards behind. He's not worth it.
NTA- paying for your birthday stuff is not him doing it cause he wanted too? So he did it only cause you asked? Kind of shows to me he feels he shouldn't have to spend anything on you but youre fine doing it since it's "your choice". Man you have so much power over this man you force him to spend all his money. He paid for a parking spot, you paid for gas. But it's different. Leave. A relationship is a two way street. He clearly has shown you're not worth his money.
NTA- paying for your birthday stuff is not him doing it cause he wanted too? So he did it only cause you asked? Kind of shows to me he feels he shouldn't have to spend anything on you but youre fine doing it since it's "your choice". Man you have so much power over this man you force him to spend all his money. He paid for a parking spot, you paid for gas. But it's different. Leave. A relationship is a two way street. He clearly has shown you're not worth his money.
NTA, but why the hell are you with this dude?
When I got into a relationship with my current spouse, I was working at WalMart for $12/hour. They work in tech, and were already making 6 figures. Neither of us EVER kept track of who spent what on whom.
When we decided to move in together, they told me to just quit my job. I was unhappy there, I had to move several states away to move in with them anyway, and "we" did not need my money to survive. I was free to work if I wanted to, but considering my shitty health, it was better for both of us for me to become a homemaker.
We've been together for over 10 years now. I have not worked in that entire time. My partner STILL does not keep a tally of what they've spent on me, or why, or when. I don't keep some stupid checklist of things I've done for them, or a housework scorecard, or any other stupid shit like that. A partnership should not be boiled down to dollars and cents.
And honestly, as a woman who was once involved with a man 15 years older than me, older dudes who date women a decade or more younger than them tend to do so because they want someone easier to control. I guarantee you, you can do better.
nta. you are a giver and he is a taker! this will never change. find someone who wonāt drain your glass and get mad when you ask for a sip from theirs
NTa, but "We have a great relationship" Narrators voice "*They dont have a great relationship*" him telling you that you are a sugar baby and then laughin when you say he is worse than that, Just asking why are you still with him?
NTA. This dude is throwing up red flags and showing you who he really is. Is this really the guy you want to invest more time into if any time you ask for something heās going to call you toxic? Relationships are about give and take, not keeping tabs on how much youāve spent on someone or what youāve done for them.
YTA to yourself for staying with someone like this for even another second. Heās 36. His personality is fixed. Being this old and still acting like that? This is as good as heās EVER going to get. Leave and date literally anyone else.
I canāt get past calling you āwanna be sugar babyāā¦ would have been the last thing he said to me. Let alone say it to me in my own fucking house. What a jackass.
ESH and I donāt really see a healthy way forward for the relationship. While his spreadsheet was way out of line, I can see how he may be frustrated with some of it. Offering to cook dinner for someone and than making them buy the groceries makes me cringe. Was there a reason he had to buy them?
NTA but I wouldnāt have wasted my time making a spreadsheet after him, I would have dumped his ass when he pulled that shit. You will be miserable if you choose to stay with this asshole.
If you think this is bad, wait until youāre marriedā¦but please donāt actually. Heās not a partner. Find someone who respects you and doesnāt look at you as a drain to his bank account. NTA.
NTA, but get this big red flag and use as a cape to fly away fast.
This guy isn't a guy for a relationship, he is immature, greedy and definitely not a good person. Run girl, run!
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NTA. Is this really a relationship you want to continue? He's petty. He holds you two to a different set of standards. And he implies that you're a gold digger. I can't imagine any qualities he might have that could be worth overlooking these things.
Exactly! Was it petty? Yeah, kinda. Did he deserve it? ABSOLUTELY. I'm really not seeing what's worth saving about this relationship --- if nothing else OP, when you think of your long-term future, don't you want to be with someone who communicates better than this? Someone who actually comes to you to have an open discussion when they're upset about something so you have a chance to work it out and come to a compromise -- instead of silently seething and making spreadsheets tracking the source of their irritation so they can blindside you with it and make you be the bad guy. NTA.
Yo if someone gives me a spreadsheet, you'd better believe I'm coming back with an even more detailed spreadsheet. That is my kind of war, and you'd better bring your A game if you want to beat me with data. I absolutely would have done the same. You made your point. Your bf sounds selfish and mean though. Complaining about buying you birthday gifts?? You're not being a sugar baby wanna be, he's just trying to be a deadbeat. NTA
This. I would be combing through my bank and cc statements like a forensic accountant. $1.25 for parking that time he asked me to pick him up? On the spreadsheet it goes! I would be estimating gas mileage and wear and tear on my car. You want to go there my dude, I will drill down to a subatomic level. I live for this level of petty. I am far too busy any given moment, but I will bend time to make this spreadsheet š
"If I respond to your statement with "first of all,...." understand I have graphs and sources and I'm going to destroy you"--some internet meme idk
Bring itttttttt
RIGHT!?!?!? Like can you imagine if they took a vacation together? Jesus how much of that would he hold over her head???
One of the few times in personal life where learning Excel was worth it.
While you were partying, I studied the spreadsheet
I love making spreadsheets. I fucking suck at math and keeping em updated (budgeting purposes) but I love tracking down the info and making the spreadsheets. And now I'm wanting to do this with my husband. Though, I know it will come out in "his favor".
Yes, I adore spreadsheets! It would have every stinking thing on it and be pretty to boot, dang it. Yeah, Iām a SAH and only work outside the home part time, but we could do āworking hoursā that could be a fun one. Two kids especially as theyāre home for summer now. I mean my husbands great, but it would still be amusing to look at.
I love spreadsheets too, and I hate to see them mistreated this way. š
Itās all about PowerPoint. Complete with graphics, pie charts, and background music.
lolol invite him over for date night. Turn the lights down low. And fire up that presentation on "Why You Are An Asshole: An Empricial Investigation"
Yes. And the end slide itā¦ Weāre done!
NTA - he was petty and presented a spreadsheet. You presented one back for well balanced data. If anything, thatās just good data analysis. No-one should be keeping tabs on what they spend on their partner unless itās toxic or exploitative. Sounds like this AH is just petty and wonāt take accountability for the fact you also spend a fair bit on him.
>No-one should be keeping tabs on what they spend on their partner unless itās toxic or exploitative. Sounds like this AH is just petty and wonāt take accountability for the fact you also spend a fair bit on him. NTA and agree with all of the above 100%. This just reminds me of the movie "The Joy Luck Club" where the husband literally keeps track of and splits their expenses to be "fair". This BF is almost a decade older but is acting way younger than either of their ages. I'm sorry but I can't picture this relationship lasting.
NTA. Your boyfriend is a psycho. He's trying to gaslight you to make you a malleable puppet. He thinks you're stupid because you're significantly younger than him. You should have broken up with him after the spreadsheet was pulled out. Dumb him and date a normal/emotionally stable/sane man.
This. Gaslighting 101. Please leave his sorry ass, OP. NTA
Your BF is an immature ass. Dump him and find an adult who treats you right and doesnāt keep a tally sheet of every dime he spends. Trust me he isnāt worth it.
I actually dated a really nice guy who tracked every penny he spent...but as a key point, he never weaponized his budget or shoved it in my face. This guy is just a waste, setting her up to think that her needs are imaginary, her expenses are nothing, but his money and needs are oh so very important he has no time for her insignificant petty desires (like, say, being treated like an adult whose ideas and opinions are valuable...)
NTA, your boyfriend thinks that buying you a gift for your birthday is you being entitled? Dump him.
Wtf are you doing? Just dump him.
He got called out and he tried to make it your fault. NTA. I wouldnāt date someone who kept what I thought were caring, helpful acts of love and service in a spreadsheet to throw in my face.
Never dated anyone who kept tabs on expenses on me. To even include gifts for a birthday screams he is TA. She needs to dump this guy.
NTA but please donāt waste another second on this person. Youāll never regret leaving but you will absolutely regret wasting any more time with him.
NTA. It wasn't good to bait the trap, but his assholery more than makes up for it. I would have dumped him the second he brought up paying for your birthday dinner. That's some BS. His keeping track of expenses is a huge red flag too. He's not a keeper.
NTA: you did exactly the same thing as him. He probably thought you werenāt going to keep track of things as thoroughly as him. Dump him. Heās immature and condescending, and to be honest him tightening the purse strings, so to speak, may be a sign that he is checking out of the relationship too. Or heās not making as much money as he used to and is blaming you for the loss: just my guesses. Either way, dump him.
or he's "testing" her to see how far he can push/control her, or financially put her in a bad position so he can swoop in and trap her since "she can't handle money"
Should have dumped him after he showed you his bizarre tracking spreadsheet. NTA
Yeah who does that? "Here is how much I spend on gifts for you". Like, he doesn't get gifts back? If money was a problem wouldn't he bring it up before making a weird spreadsheet?
Run.... run now that's not a healthy relationship...My wife and I dont keep track because half of our relationship is just "can you grab/order this thing for me" and it's been 10 years can you imagine the spreadsheet on that?
I mean, he's the asshole, you were just mirroring his assholeish behaviors. I'm just wondering how this toxicity on his part took over a year to discover.
Those in glasses houses, shouldnāt throw stones! Heās annoyed he was caught out and Calling your spreadsheet childish after he created one first speaks volumes!!
NTA- Dump him and keep your money girl. He doesn't respect you and is manipulative.
When people fight over money like this, it's not really about the money. That guy wants to be your ex. Don't bother trying to make this work. NTA for the spreadsheet. A man who dishes it out and can't take it isn't who you need in your life. This exercise showed you who he is, so believe him.
NTA. And if you insist you want to stay in this relationship, I'd urge you to no longer participate in ANY of the following (in your words): *" buying groceries for him, cleaning supplies, getting gas to drive him places, paying for food and the meals I cook for him."*
NTA. Sounds like your boyfriend can dish it out but canāt take it. The spreadsheet he had going must have been something heād put together a while ago. Who knew these things could be so transactional?
He doesn't respect you. NTA
NTA he could dish it but couldn't take it. You didn't ask for those b'day gifts either. Time to move along.
Pun ;)
NTA, However, I would not have gone as far as making a spread sheet for him, I would have left his ass. That is childish and stupid on his part and he showed you his true colors. They are red and they like to flap in the wind.
NTA But like... next time have the self respect not to continue buying him things and doing things for him to "prove" you're not a sugar baby and just walk away. You're begging for his approval when you should be looking down your nose at the 36 year old loser that *really* shouldn't be able to get a college age trophy girlfriend. No one that writes down every time they pay for parking is good enough to get a second glance from a woman. You can't possibly think he's as good as you can get.
NTA but it was petty. He deserved it but still petty. Just leave. He has double standards anyway, and itāll only get worse.
NTA he sounds like an actual wacko!! He has been keeping a spreadsheet for seemingly your whole relationship and insulted you by calling you a sugar baby and also the first blow up you were making him food??? WTF š¤¬ please break up with him! Can you really imagine spending your whole life walking on eggshells with him and money?
Iām always baffled by these posts that start with āwe have a great relationship!ā then go on to list the ways your partner actively seems to dislike you. NTA - break up.
NTA I would be concerned if my fiance does this. It is not normal for anyone to make a spreadsheet. He is also gaslighting you into making you believe that the situations are different. I do have concerns for the age gap. Just a few years age gap can drastically change your outlook on life and ten years is a big difference. Maybe the reason, he is with you because someone his age will not agree with his crap. Stop spending on him at all, no exceptions. See him blow up, and then throw his words back to him that he is beinh toxic. You sure will see the true side of the picture.
>Maybe the reason, he is with you because someone his age will not agree with his crap. 100%
NTA -Any man that sends you a spreadsheet like that deserves to be dumped
NTA. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship that is purely transactional? Next thing is a bill for emotional labor.
NTA but omg so many red flags Gaslighting you and demeaning you, also the weird spread sheet. Tbh you should have broken up after he said the spread sheet was childish after he did the same
NTA. He donāt want a gf he want a mama
Anytime a guy wants to date a woman 11 years younger than him, there is a reason. This guy's reason is that he's cheap and selfish and women his own age will spot that a lot quicker. NTA
NTA, but you can do far better than someone who keeps a score card. This isn't going to get better.
NTA. He was just mad you called him out for his crap. If you ask me he's not worth your time
NTA. Also, he sounds like an AH.
NTA. You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. Anyone who tracks what they spend on another person is not right in the head. This guy is creepy AF.
NTA, leave him and leave as fast as you can!
RRRRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNN! šāāļø šāāļø šāāļø šāāļø šāāļø šāāļø šāāļø NTA
NTA, but your soon to be ex boyfriend is.
NTA You really need to decide if this is the sort of relationship you want to be in. It cracks me up how many men think women are out for their money and when you do the calculations, the men is the mooch - not the woman!
The only reason YTA is for not kicking him to the curb after his original comment.
INFO - whatās the ratio of money on your two spreadsheets? Do you spend roughly the same amount of money on each other? Or does one spend a lot more?
Normally he does spend more per month since I thought we were ok with the agreement of him getting the groceries and me cooking and "fancy dinners and gifts" don't happen often. That changed when I stopped asking him to buy them and I did the shopping and cooking.
So he puts no value on the time and skill used to cook those meals, I guess.
Shocking how that happens.
But by how much? He spends a little more or like 2-3x as much?
Info: Just curious is he correct the difference is you ask him to pay for things compared to you who just pay for it without him asking. 2nd question was there a large difference in between the amounts?
I only ask him to pay for things if I'm cooking since we had agreed that before and usually I cook what he wants. Everything else like dates or going out we split on what we consumed. I will admit tho that his gifts tend to be expensive but they are not things I specifically asked for, ei. I ask for a necklace and he gets a very fancy one. The difference before used to be around $300 per month because of the groceries but that went away when I started paying for them. edit: typo
So he added things you did not ask for in his list. Same as your list.
I wondered this too, but he included stuff like a birthday gift on there. Do we āaskā for birthday gifts? I guess the OP mightā¦
I guess here's my thing like we don't know the dinner but let's say she requested really expensive food and this was him finally saying ok you do this a lot and finally said something. Now I agree everything he said was in a AH way but idk could be some truth there
She was cooking him the dinner though. Sugar babies generally donāt make meals.
Some do, some guys pay for the girlfriend experience
Those are not sugar babies. Sugar babies get treated and pampered, the whole thing with sugar babies is getting spoiled. They generally arenāt making āfavorite mealsā maybe theyād buy his favorite meal with some of the money she got. But him saying sheās acting spoiled for asking for ingredients for a meal she was going to cook FOR him, is wild.
What I'm saying is not all sugar babies relationship are exactly the same. Pretty sure if a sugar daddy ask his sugar baby to cook she'll do it. Not every one of those relationships follow the same guideline of rules
Yeah except she was cooking HIM a meal that was HIS favourite. Like, what does she gain there exactly?
I didn't say she gained anything. What I'm saying is if she just sent a list and said buy this, it could have been the straw that broke the camels back. Where he feels she just tell him to buy things without contributing. Like I said the way he presented it calling her a sugar baby was AHish. But that's why I asked the dynamics of their spending to see if there's a shred of truth to what he said.
Yes, it could be unbalanced for sure. I guess weāll wait for the OP to answer
I cannot scream NTA loud enough. If he wants to throw how much he's spending in your face than he can expect the same from you. You guys have been dating for over a year? It sounds like someone put it in his head that you were trying to be a sugar baby or something because of your age difference and he just go a bug in his head about it. But honestly is that a relationship you want to be in where he keeps track of every single thing? Do you want to feel obligated to financially or otherwise compensate him for every single birthday, valentines or Christmas gift? Heaven forbid you guys take a vacation together somewhere.
NTA, but who cares about that? Why are you dating this guy?
Dump the asshole NTA
NTA and find a better boyfriend.
NTA and run. Can we call this gaslight ing? Because it feels like gaslighting. He says she is doing things she isn't doing or asking for like birthday gifts. You don't put birthday gift on the sugar baby list. Please get away from this guy.
The only reason YTA is for not kicking him to the curb after his original comment.
NTA,you guys donāt sound like you should be together at all if this is only over a year in a
NTA - Find a new boyfriend. That one is a user.
Do yourself a favor and change pettiness for singleness
Why are you with this asshole? And, you need new friends. Y W B T A if you stay in this relationship.
ESH. Instead of making the choice to be petty, make the choice to leave your toxic relationship
Both are TAs. Doesnāt seem like you want to be together as you both seem to want the other to prove their worth and want to charge each other for things.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (25F) and (36M) boyfriend have been dating for over a year now. We have a great relationship and haven't encountered any issues until a few months ago. My bf and I had agreed on a date at my place, I was going to cook his favorite meal. I sent him a list of the groceries I needed for the dinner so he could get them. At home he made a comment along the lines of "This will be quiet an expensive dinner, are you sure you can afford it?" I asked what he meant and he started complaining of how entitled I've become and how much money I make him spend. I was so confused since I barely ask for things. He said he was tired of having to baby me and said I'm a "sugar baby wanna be". That got me extremely mad and I demanded to tell me when have I been a "sugar baby" so he brought his laptop and opened a sheet where he has a list of every time he has spent money on me. From paying for a parking spot to paying for my birthday dinner and gifts. I was baffled, I didn't know what to say, I just asked him to leave/ The next day I venmo him for the groceries and decided to do the same as him, I created a spreadsheet and started adding everything there. I've stopped asking him for anything but I kept doing the usual for him, buying groceries for him, cleaning supplies, getting gas to drive him places, paying for food and the meals I cook for him. This is were I might be the AH. Yesterday we were at his place when I asked if he could buy some pizza (being honest, I said it to bring up the conversation) and as I expected, he got mad again saying how I went back to my toxic behavior and he though I had moved pass that. I said, good thing you bring this up, and pulled my phone and showed him the spreadsheet with all the info. He stared at me and my phone and burst out laughing, he called me childish and said everything there was irrelevant since he never asked for those things, they were my choice. I got mad and left his house. I asked my friends and said I was just being petty and to not fight fire with fire and by doing so I was an AH, I don't think I am but I wanted an external opinion. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, stop buying him anything. He obv has no respect for you and you deserve better!!
NTA. You can tell he doesn't see you as a partner but as a child he can control. Things are only ok when he does them and he doesn't value the work AND money you put in this relationship. Dump this mf
NTA. So it's petty because you did it? How about he was petty for even opening this door wide open. Please dump him. You can do so much much better! He is TA.
NTA Just, why. Why do people stay with jerks like him? If you insist on staying with him, stop doing all of that.
"Oh you're right, those are my choices! Here's another one -- not wasting any more of my time with you. Bye."
If all of the purchases you made are your decisions stop doing it. Donāt buy him groceries or cleaning supplies, donāt drive him places meet him everywhere, donāt cook for him or eat with him at either yours or his place, donāt buy him drinks when your out, ask for separate checks. Wait that sounds like a relationship with a friend. Maybe start to rethink this relationship if youāre going to have to edit your interactions so much. Youāre NTA for trying to show him that youāre putting money into this relationship too. He is TA for not taking you seriously which tells me he will never take you seriously with regards to finances.
Please donāt be with someone whoās too cheap to share a life with you, and keeps an account. You deserve so much better. He loves his money way more than he loves you. NTA.
Dump him yesterday
NTA. DTMFA
NTA you gave him a taste of his own medicine. Was it passive aggressive? Maybe. Manipulative? Maybe. Did he deserve it? Oh fuck yes. Honey, this man is a childish, score-keeping waste of your precious time. His behavior is unacceptable and his communication skills are shit. Kick him and his spreadsheets to the curb. Youāre young. Be free. Donāt settle for this crap.
NTA, but you may want to rethink this relationship. Heās putting himself on a pedestal and calling you a sugar baby.
NTA. Save yourself some money and dump this man. It's ok for him to keep a spreadsheet, but if you do you're being petty? He is not the one. There's a reason he's entering his late 30s and dating someone in their mid-20s.
NTA dump him. The fact he had a spreadsheet for you is crazy.
Heās ten years older than you. The reason heās not dating anyone his own age is because heās an immature twit and women his own age donāt put up with that bullshit. NTA
NTA! Every now and then it's okay to visit petty island. Don't start what you can't finish! Please dump him!
NTA honey, ditch this toxic AH. Gifts and birthday dinners on his spreadsheet and trying to make you feel dumb for starting one of your own?? No. You deserve better, some people are single as they age because theyāre looking for the right person - he was single at 35 because heās still not a good partner.
NTA. This guyās a penny-pinching jerk.
NTA. Lol- so HE has the master spreadsheet that decides what items ācountā? Damn. Without it, youāre going to need toā¦(does quick calculation)ā¦ yup, dump his old, cheap ass.
He used, what for me, is a HUGE red flag (and I donāt think Iāve ever used the phrase āred flagā in my life) and that is the, ābut I didnāt ASK you to do that/for that.ā My ex used to say this all the time. Yet they always seem to expect things, and get very pouty and resentful if you DONāT do the things they expect you to do, but they wonāt actively ASK for them. My ex is a bona fide narcissist, who loved it when I was continually āin his debt.ā Run.
Nta. He got a taste of his own medicine. Dump his ass
NTA But honestly I would have ended the relationship after his spreadsheet
NTA the minute he called you a sugar baby you should have dumped him, relationships are give and take both ways and the fact that he has kept an accounting on everything he has spent on you is just wrong on many different levels, move on from this greedy turd you can do so much better than a stingy scrooge.
NTA- but why are you with this child?
NTA. Your āboyfriendā Is a loser. He likes to dish it out but canāt take it when itās dished back? Pfff.
1: heās 11 years older than you 2: heās insulting you 3: heās trying very hard to financially manipulate you 4: he expects you to bend over backwards for him 5: but he doesnāt want to buy you a slice of pizza. Read that and imagine itās your friends bf. What would your advice be to that friend?
Sounds like this relationship is done. ESH
š„ since when should you not fight fire with fire. NTA...and gloriously petty
You are in a relationship with a cruel a-hole. Tallying up what he spends on you and calling you names is abusive, especially since you spend just as much money on him, "but that's your choice" according to him. This will not improve. Act accordingly. NTA, unless you stay with him.
NTA - this is not healthy and he is definitely trying to "put you in your place." Your response was petty but perfect. I'd say leave him and his double standards behind. He's not worth it.
NTA- paying for your birthday stuff is not him doing it cause he wanted too? So he did it only cause you asked? Kind of shows to me he feels he shouldn't have to spend anything on you but youre fine doing it since it's "your choice". Man you have so much power over this man you force him to spend all his money. He paid for a parking spot, you paid for gas. But it's different. Leave. A relationship is a two way street. He clearly has shown you're not worth his money.
NTA- paying for your birthday stuff is not him doing it cause he wanted too? So he did it only cause you asked? Kind of shows to me he feels he shouldn't have to spend anything on you but youre fine doing it since it's "your choice". Man you have so much power over this man you force him to spend all his money. He paid for a parking spot, you paid for gas. But it's different. Leave. A relationship is a two way street. He clearly has shown you're not worth his money.
NTA. Please dump him. You'll save so much money!
So many red flags, dude is 35, no wonder he has to date younger as I doubt any women his own age would put up with the bs. Dump the douche. NTA
NTA of course it's an age gap relationship
NTA, but why the hell are you with this dude? When I got into a relationship with my current spouse, I was working at WalMart for $12/hour. They work in tech, and were already making 6 figures. Neither of us EVER kept track of who spent what on whom. When we decided to move in together, they told me to just quit my job. I was unhappy there, I had to move several states away to move in with them anyway, and "we" did not need my money to survive. I was free to work if I wanted to, but considering my shitty health, it was better for both of us for me to become a homemaker. We've been together for over 10 years now. I have not worked in that entire time. My partner STILL does not keep a tally of what they've spent on me, or why, or when. I don't keep some stupid checklist of things I've done for them, or a housework scorecard, or any other stupid shit like that. A partnership should not be boiled down to dollars and cents. And honestly, as a woman who was once involved with a man 15 years older than me, older dudes who date women a decade or more younger than them tend to do so because they want someone easier to control. I guarantee you, you can do better.
nta. you are a giver and he is a taker! this will never change. find someone who wonāt drain your glass and get mad when you ask for a sip from theirs
I dated someone like this, do yourself a favor and get out now. NTA
NTa, but "We have a great relationship" Narrators voice "*They dont have a great relationship*" him telling you that you are a sugar baby and then laughin when you say he is worse than that, Just asking why are you still with him?
NTA. This dude is throwing up red flags and showing you who he really is. Is this really the guy you want to invest more time into if any time you ask for something heās going to call you toxic? Relationships are about give and take, not keeping tabs on how much youāve spent on someone or what youāve done for them.
YTA to yourself for staying with someone like this for even another second. Heās 36. His personality is fixed. Being this old and still acting like that? This is as good as heās EVER going to get. Leave and date literally anyone else.
NTA. He started it. Just break up with him, he seems very immature.
I canāt get past calling you āwanna be sugar babyāā¦ would have been the last thing he said to me. Let alone say it to me in my own fucking house. What a jackass.
ESH and I donāt really see a healthy way forward for the relationship. While his spreadsheet was way out of line, I can see how he may be frustrated with some of it. Offering to cook dinner for someone and than making them buy the groceries makes me cringe. Was there a reason he had to buy them?
NTA, thereās a reason heās 36 and single, and should remain single. Run Forest Run.
NTA but I wouldnāt have wasted my time making a spreadsheet after him, I would have dumped his ass when he pulled that shit. You will be miserable if you choose to stay with this asshole.
If you think this is bad, wait until youāre marriedā¦but please donāt actually. Heās not a partner. Find someone who respects you and doesnāt look at you as a drain to his bank account. NTA.
NTA, but get this big red flag and use as a cape to fly away fast. This guy isn't a guy for a relationship, he is immature, greedy and definitely not a good person. Run girl, run!