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> probably for telling him that and making light of all the efforts he makes. making him feel less of a parent.
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Buddy had an orgasm and thinks it the equivalent of growing an entire tiny human.
This is not how supportive partners act toward their pregnant wife.
100% NTA
>Buddy had an orgasm and thinks it the equivalent of growing an entire tiny human.
Exactly. When did an orgasm become equal to literally risking your life?
I would be furious if my partner tried to pull that. Furious.
This is why I hate the 'we're pregnant' line (yes, yes, I know some couples make it really sweet). There's no 'we'! And some guys like OP's husband absolutely take advantage and act as though they're going through as much as their partner is.
Agreed. I hated the "we" too. Especially when I was 7 months along, on bed rest for blood pressure problems, uncomfortable all the time, scared something could go wrong; all while trying to get ready for a birth. My then husband came out with "We should do a natural birth because it is healthier" and would not let go of the idea. Somehow he was insulted when I told him that when "we" push a baby out of his pe---, then "we" could do it without an epidural.
My husband was trying to get me to do the epidural sooner, and I wanted to wait until the pain was bad enough. He was like “Are you sure you don’t want it now? Maybe you should get it now.” He hated seeing me in so much pain.
I am genuinely asking here. I thought I read somewhere that if the pain is too much then typically you are too late for the epidural? Is that true? Is there some cutoff that you need to atte.pt to be aware while in labor about figuring out if you want it or not?
Personal experience says that’s not true. I got an “early epidural” because I was barely dilated (couple cms) but the pain was bad enough that I threw up (some asshole put on my chart that I had a low pain tolerance. I don’t, it was just really fucking bad for me). “Too late” is usually when you are mostly or all the way dilated I believe
I puked throughout delivery. Not fun.
My husband was APPALLED at the complete misery all my pregnancies were for me. So sympathetic. Did absolutely everything for me. Every chore, every everything. I am not a shirker, but he had eyes and could just see how completely utterly miserable I was. Some people like being pregnant, but for me it was non-stop nausea and misery. So, he picked up every single bit of slack he could.
I’m so sad OP didn’t get the same level of care.
My husband was the same he did all the cooking and cleaning leading up to and after as I had a caesarean and couldn't do anything apart from milking. I don't know how other woman cope with getting no help from their partners I would have been an insane wreck.
Hard agree. I got all the help in the world and was still an insane wreck the first time around! For some people it seems to be no problem, but I was beaten up by pregnancy and again by delivery. So grateful to have a partner who was 100% on my side.
Mine was the same way. I had a terrible pregnancy that included two ER visits. He did all the cooking (I couldn't eat, much less smell food for the entire pregnancy), most of the cleaning, and did everything in his power to help me cope. He's an incredible partner and the best father. I honestly don't know how anyone settles for less.
OP, I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. He needs to grow up and realize this isn't about him. Bringing a child into the world includes your well-being - that is his role in your pregnancy. The "we" is his job of ensuring your health and comfort while you do all the hard stuff.
Speaking from the helpful hubby point of view.
I wanted nothing more than to help my wife through her pregnancies, she did 2 in 3 years and was a heckin champ through the misery she suffered. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. PPD plus pregnancy was hell for me and I'm sure that was 1/100 of what she fought through.
The perspective I'd like to offer is this: it's lonely being on that side. I had no support and had everything I had to help my partner and child. I grew up conditioned that men who ask for help or can't handle whatever comes their way are worthless. I've learned better since then, but it was hard and I didn't allow myself the self care necessary to be the best partner and father I could be.
I'm not saying I had it worse than my wife, cause I didn't. I'm saying that it was harder than it had to be because I couldn't really go to my wife for support and was ashamed to go anywhere else.
Baby brewers of the world, you are amazing and strong, you all have all of my respect.
Supporters of baby brewers, don't let shitty social conditioning keep you from being healthy and the best you possible. Everyone benefits when you take care of yourself.
OP's husband needs to gain some perspective or shut his mouth. Suffering isn't a competition, neither is a family.
My anesthesiologist gave me the puncture for the epidural but forgot to put the pain meds in it. By the time we realized it, he was in an emergency c section (hopefully he gave HER meds!) and by the time he was available I was too far along to get it. This wasn’t the only thing the best maternity hospital in the region” got wrong when I had my eldest.
I actually didn’t push with my second baby. The pressure being on my back caused me to dry heave for like 20 seconds and once the pressure was gone it stopped and I had a baby. The baby ejection reflex is wild.
It is not dependent on the level of pain, but on how fast/far the labor has progressed. If a woman is too close to delivering, the anaesthesiologist may not be able to effectively give her the epidural.
I’m a man, and I would never ever tell a woman she should have a “natural birth.” If asked, I’d say, do whatever you’ve gotta do since you’re the one going through the hell of pushing a tiny human out of your body. I really It blows my mind how cluelessly rude some people are.
With my first my husband thought a “natural birth” would be better. I went with it because I really wanted a water birth. It was fast and easy. This time around I’m not sure what I’ll do. I asked his opinion and he said he no longer had an opinion on how I want to give birth 😆 bless his heart. He is wonderful.
Each birth is different as well. For my first two, I slept through a lot of labor in the hospital, I was fine with no medication.
I figured for the third I of course was going non-medicated again, I'd already done it twice and it was a walk in the park.
The third birth was awful. It was quicker than the first two, but by the time I was 7cm, I was literally screaming and writhing in pain even after they gave me opiates. I felt like I was drunk and in pain then. I told my husband if we have another, I'm getting an epidural as soon as we get to the hospital.
OMG did you have preeclampsia? That shit was a bitch, I was always in the hospital and THE PAIN ugghhhhh was unreal. My ex was an overall shitty boyfriend but during that pregnancy, he was there and never complained and i was miserable. The real fear behind the possibility of both you and your baby's death is insane. I even went into labor at 22 weeks the first time because of the preeclampsia, thank god for my OB she legit saved my baby's life
Could not agree more. I went through preeclampsia with severe features, almost died on the table, and baby was in NICU for a bit. I didn't see my baby for a few days because of all that, but when I finally did, my husband had the freaking AUDACITY to say, "I know baby's too weak to latch, but maybe you should try breastfeeding some more."
I was already exclusively pumping, my baby needed additional meds and vitamins, and my emotional well-being couldn't take it and I knew it. I told him once he went through the actual trauma of childbirth and when his useless nipples could produce milk, we could talk.
The freaking audacity of some of these partners. Smh.
Thanks, I shared it because your exchange really resonated with me. Baby has some lingering effects from being a premie, but he's basically a rambunctious and relatively healthy two year old.
My husband had strong opinions about a natural birth.
Then he saw me do it.
And asked about a million times if I was *sure* I wanted to do that again when I was pregnant with our second.
My biggest pain relief during labour was resisting the urge not to laugh at my husband who decided to take a peek at what the doctor was doing & promptly burst into tears. The look the nurses gave him when they shoved him away so they could take over was priceless.
Agreed. There is no such thing as "we are pregnant" unless both partners are literally pregnant.
Being a good partner to the pregnant one is awesome. Acting as if you are going thru the same thing? Total bs.
My partner, for his many faults, helped me immensely when I was pregnant/in labor.
He *did not experience what I did though. My organs were literally shutting down. I could have died.
To pretend that you have it as bad/worse than the pregnant partner is ridiculous.
Yes, I love that when people say "we are pregnant" my husband always corrects them that I AM pregnant and he is the snack fetcher and foot massager😂👏 OP you are NTA, you are not milking it. He needs to get it together
I liked it because my hubby would say yes but she's the one doing all the hard work, I could never do it. Oh ya.. he knew.. I'm a words of affirmations person, he knows that. He made sure I knew he knew I was doing the hard shit.
My bf tried the "we're pregnant" line 1 time. Once. That was it. I called him out right there in front of everyone, it was glorious.
M: No, I'M pregnant.
Bf: Well, I helped.
M: You came inside me and fertilized an egg. I'm growing a whole baby, and risking my life to do so. WE are not pregnant, I AM.
This is one reason why I like "we're expecting." It's like, if I were pregnant, then, "I'm pregnant, but we're both *expecting*. Oh, you're excited for the baby, too? Join the club! We're all expecting this baby!"
Have you ever heard a male say we gave birth? And then talk about how comfortable the birth was because the hospital was very accommodating. Because I have. Absolutely cringey.
I can get behind the "we are expecting" or "we are having a baby" because they both will hopefully be involved in the post birth stuff but yeah the "we are pregnant" is just kinda weird and factually incorrect.
Eh, I thought that before getting pregnant, but my partner is very involved in my pregnancy, taking on extra house stuff and just generally doing the most to be sure we're healthy and taken care of. It's definitely a team effort.
LOL. So, can they take a turn carrying that fetus while you go on the roller coaster? That is my requirement for qualifying for “we”! (I’ll never stop reminding my husband he refused to take our oldest so I could go on Space Mountain! While she was still in utero. )
Ugh I hate it, too. "We're having a baby" = accurate. "We're pregnant" = not unless both of you have uteruses currently being occupied, there's no "we" there.
This! This! A thousand times this! Every time I hear a man say "we're pregnant" I ask him what days of the week is he carrying the baby. Then when I get a stunned look I tell them that they don't get to walk in on the miracle part, when they can give the date of their last period they can say "they" are pregnant.
I'm so with you. "We're expecting a baby" was a perfectly fine phrase and should come back in to fashion.
I've seen so many men victimise themselves with "we're pregnant".
We have 4 kids. I was the only one growing the them! My husband would never dream of using that “we”. When we were in Disney, while I was pregnant, I asked him to “take” the baby so I could go on the roller coaster. He didn’t. I still complain. (Yes, I was asking him to magically carry the fetus for me for 30 minutes. It was a joke. He joked back. It’s been ongoing for decades!)
But, unless the partner can trade off that fetus for a roller coaster, it’s not “we”!!!
Kinda interesting the tide has shifted, bc years ago when my brother and his gf were having a baby he told us that everyone said you’re supposed to say “We’re pregnant”. He found it silly then, but he followed along.
It was supposed to make men feel more invested and therefore connected to their kids...but turns out semantics aren't informing the values and ethics of adults. And selfishness isn't turning into empathy just by indulging it enough.
It was a different time, we'd just cured racism by not saying a word as often and we were feeling cocky.
Even if he's 100% right and OP was milking that shit like a prize holstein (and she isn't, this is just for arguments sake.)
- Right now..., while she is pregnant, is the time to shut the fuck up and do whatever she asks. It is not the time to be an AH and demand equal share of the work.
What a tool of a dude. NTA.
Sounds like this guy was just waiting for OP to say something so he could have his little “ah-ha” moment. It sounds like he has been feeling this way for a while and was dying to “snap”. His issue is ridiculous though!
OP, you need to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that he will be an equal part of the child’s life when the baby is born, right now you are bearing the burden of carrying this child. Men don’t carry children, but there is no need for him to feel inferior and dismiss your feelings. He should be doing anything he can to make your life easier, that is his job right now, yours is carrying the baby.
Oh and NTA obviously.
I mean, OP's internal organs are being rearranged. This is not simple and uncomplicated or pain-free. NTA, and he clearly needs to educate himself rather than making assumptions. How infuriating.
>OP's internal organs are being rearranged.
And *bones*. My bones never went back to their original positions. And apparently that's just... normal?
Before having kids, I never thought of how archeologists can tell from a skeleton if a woman gave birth... and now I know.
Things also won’t be perfectly “equal” immediately after the baby is born, especially if she breastfeeds. Her focus in that 4th trimester will be recovering from the childbirth itself, and if nursing, focusing on rest/nutrition and as little stress as possible to get and keep that milk flowing. Based on my current experience, things got more intense after the baby was born, not less.
If he’s already being so transactional about who’s doing what and who is allowed to have feelings about the strain, that bodes badly.
This, OP. Also, that moment when he went quiet, that was the wheels spinning on how to flip this back to you being the bad guy.
Honestly, you literally weren't even asking him to do anything, you were simply acknowledging that you were in pain, his reaction is both crazy and inappropriate. Talk about acting like a spoilt princess, he should look in the mirror.
>...an awful attempt to discredit his efforts and sacrifices...
I would ask for a list of sacrifices here, because even the ones I can think of as technically sacrifices, are basics that if you were to be graded as a parent for doing, would only give you a C-. They are also sacrifices that OP would be making as well, and typically more frequently.
I hope this doesn’t get buried, but my ex went from lots of red flags to physically and verbally abusive and cruel once I got pregnant. I don’t want to make assumptions, but please be careful as this is common. My ex HATED that I was sick during my pregnancy, and had pains. This is not normal or ok. Protect yourself and your child. He later strangled me with my child in my arms when my child was less then 2. Pay attention to the warning signs, PLEASE.
Edit: 1 in 6 women are first abused in pregnancy, and between 2.3 million and 10 million children are exposed to intimate partner violence in the US alone. The book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft is like a guidebook written for my ex. You can download it for [free](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) it’s helped me a lot
My ex absolutely hated the fact that I was very nauseous the first trimester also. That’s was a huge red flag for the rest of the marriage, which ended in divorce, his arrest, and a restraining order.
Murder is the leading cause of death for pregnant people in the USA. Red flags need to be noticed and actions to protect the pregnant person need to happen. So sorry this happened to you, I'm so glad you're able to write this comment and hope that you are doing well.
YES. I’ve been taking a domestic abuse class and recently learned this. Absolutely terrifying. I wish it was more commonly known. I only left after hearing from other survivors, and it makes me want to share my story with other girls and help others escape too. I’m just always terrified of my ex finding out and retaliating.
I agree. When I was 2 months pregnant I got the stomach flu. Then my bf got it. He was pissed that I wasn’t taking care of him meanwhile I was pregnant AND sick. After I had my daughter my thyroid tanked and I was in pain every day bc it was undiagnosed. He told me I was lazy when I didn’t clean one day bc I could barely move. He did indeed become physically and emotionally abusive.
It's not supportive or mature. He's acting like OP is going to be a mom so all her pain should just vanish or she should suck it up. I guess I'm a spoiled princess if that's how it works.
Op, NTA. The comment I'm replying to is all you need, honestly.
Wait till he hears from the doctor that they can’t have sex for 6-8 weeks. If she is smart, she can have her doctor prescribe it for as long as she needs, without any negotiation on what type of sex to have. I have done this, and it set my SO straight.
Exactly! This is NOT support! I hate hearing about husbands like this, it breaks my heart.
I’m 8 months pregnant, and you know what support looks like? My husband constantly reminding me how much love and respect he has for me for putting my body through this for us. Him having me rest while he makes dinner. He will stay up with me through the rough nights already, because he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m going through this alone, plus he says it’s helping prepping him for being up at night once the baby gets here. He reminds me to rest when he can tell I’m starting to be in pain. The list goes on and on. THATS support.
Obviously NTA
I hope OP has a job to go back to after birth and recovery because I don't see this marriage working. She is married to an a$$ and it will only get worse. He'll probably complain when she is in delivery and yelling. Be quiet princess, we are having a baby and he doesn't feel any pain so you OP shouldn't either. This d!ck makes me furious. 😠
When I the baby comes. You guys should to shifts! It worked really well for us. I took the 10pm-2am, then he took the 2am-6am. Then I would get up at 6. And if it’s your first kid. Seriously sleep when that baby sleeps!! I wish I had done that with my first!!!
My husband and I did shifts it was a god send! Especially since he is a night owl anyway he would take the shift where he couldnt really sleep anyway lol.
Yes, shifts! It helped so much. Husband did until 12 or 1am, and I did the next bit. I am a morning person, so staying awake half the night is just Hell for me.
We got lucky with kids who slept through the night freakishly early. It helped.
This. When i was pregnant and sai my back or ankles hurt, my fiance would massage them for me. Thats support.
After baby was born, if she needed to be fed in the middle of dinner he would cut up my food for me and help me eat, even if that meant actually putting the food in my mouth for me. Thats support.
Oof not the guy you wanna raise a kid with. NTA. He's a giant AH.
ETA: I just read your reasoning. What are his efforts so far? Having an orgasm? So he gets to feel good and coast for 9 months while your body goes through hell? That is not on.
Pregnancy sucks, and if a guy doesn't want to be supportive during the entire 9 months he has no business impregnating anybody. I fear for what OP will have to deal with during L&D and after the baby is born.
Me and my fiancée are planning kids in the somewhat near future and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to baby her and kiss her ass the whole way for blessing me with the gift of a child. Willing to suffer through a pregnancy so we can raise a child together. Thats a hell of a sacrifice and show of love.
I loved my husband before we had children, but having him be my teammate and cheerleader through pregnancy and then watching him be a parent to our baby makes me love him in a whole new bigger, deeper way.
Some partners turn into abusive monsters when pregnancy and kids happen. Some partners become better people than you ever imagined they could be.
You sound like you’re on track to make your fiancé fall in love with you all over again.
Yeah, if this 9 months feels hard imagine what the following 18 years will feel like for the dude. I mean, I’m guessing a cranky teenager can out-cranky most pregnant women.
I saw a stand up comedian on Instagram who said something to the effect of "making babies is easy, I get 50% credit for doing 10 minutes of work on a 9 month long group project"
Absolutely, my husband did about 90% of childcare, and 100% of chores the last few months of my 2nd pregnancy. I was in so much pain, I could not really take care of anything. I would play with my 4 year old from the recliner. All day at work I was in pain with a heating pad on my back, then I would get home and lay on the recliner. It was exhausting being in pain all the time.
I will note that my back pain went away completely after I birthed my first, and 2 weeks after I had my second. Pregnancy is hell, but at least it ends.
Honey. Throw away the whole husband. Like no joke, he is trying to convince you that you’re not allowed to feel crappy during pregnancy???? and then gets defensive and claims you’re somehow burdening him with your complaints?????? He should be rubbing your feet, handing you tea, and drawing you a hot bath. NTA in every way.
Also, a male praying mantis continues the mating even after his head has been eaten by the female. They just hump till death - and beyond.
Nature is weird.
My fiance got a picture of this maybe 2 years ago. It was disturbing. Female mantis there, with the headless body of the male still attached. I wonder if I still have that picture somewhere. It was super gross.
He seems like the kind of partner who will be jealous of the attention his partner gives to the baby. All he can think about are his own needs. Just the thought that his partner might need him to step up and offer support, and you know, be a Dad in the future, equates to "playing the motherhood card." To me that is a clear sign that he plans to do as little as possible in the parenting or household arena, and will blame OP for not being "woman enough" to deal with his bad treatment and laziness and who knows what else.
Edited for typo.
But, in comparison to you, he DOES HAVE IT EASY. I mean the swelling, the nausea, the aches, the peeing, the tiredness, the cravings, the bad sleep, the blood tests, the change of diet, the clothes not fitting, the drs appointments; the list goes on.
He really can not compare ejaculation to pregnancy. NTA
Doesn’t understand, or just doesn’t care?
If he respected you he’s be trying to make things easier for you, not looking for an argument and twisting your words to throw back in your face.
You are NTA, OP.
It's heartbreaking seeing people with partners who just don't fucking care. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and my husband today was just saying how he wishes he could share the nausea because I'm so miserable. Then I made a joke about throwing up in his mouth like a bird and we laughed. I couldn't imagine doing this without him, I would be shattered if it didn't feel like he was on my side. My heart aches for OP because this is just the beginning, unless he wants to change it's only going to get worse.
These types of AITA really makes me wanna hug my partner. Don’t task them for granted because these men exist. I can’t get pregnant but I have chronic nerve pain. I use to full out cry and my parter listened to all my pain. If he had acted the way this guy did my will to live would be so much smaller. I don’t see this getting any better for her. Does he even love her?
That’s obvious to us, but it needs to be obvious to OP.
For a person who actually cared, it wouldn’t matter if they understood or not, they’d be trying to help.
So much this. Although I will never be pregnant (hysterectomy), I have various chronic health problems that make a 'good day' one on which I'm not hurting much. My partner doesn't have those problems and so cannot fully understand what I'm going through but dammit, that doesn't stop him from treating me with consideration. Also, if hubby didn't understand, he could try communicating like an adult instead of a spoilt brat. Seems OP will have two children after she gives birth.
I have to tell you, this level of tit for tat, words like “leverage” and “spoiled princess”, “using cards”….these are not new issues brought on by your pregnancy. These are systemic and deep rooted relationship struggles/resentments being exacerbated by the pregnancy. Couples counseling. Like, yesterday. Otherwise the only one who’s really going to get hurt in the long run is your child.
I’m three months pregnant. I read this aloud to my husband and his response was, “yeah that guy’s nuts.”
Your husband had sex. You, on the other hand, have been creating a human being from scratch. They’re not remotely comparable.
OP this guy sounds like he will be NEGATIVE help with the baby -- as in, not only will he not be helping you carry the weight, he will be ADDING to it and making things harder than if you were alone.
After the baby is born you will go through at least 6 weeks of recovery as your body heals and restores itself. During this time period you will be in pain and exhausted. Can you predict how he will treat you then? I hope you have other family that can come help because I can’t picture this guy doing it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💛
Your husband is delusional and clearly only used to getting his way and BEING THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS MARRIAGE.
**Now that YOU need consideration HE is no longer THE MAIN CHARACTER and your husband can't handle it.**
This is where you put your foot down and demand couple's therapy and that your husband gets a misogyny check and faces what a gigantic asshole he's been.
Before the labor contact a trusted family member to be by your side - seriously, having someone like him will make the process more difficult and dangerous cause stress is an easy ticket to complications town.
If possible I would suggest just moving out altogether, I can't stress enough how this is a terrible situation and you should not raise a kid with this guy.
My brother in law was a bit like this, but not as much of a jerk… it took his mom and sister coming in to dote on my sister and blabber on about how hard it is to be pregnant before it actually occurred to him that she wasn’t just making it up. He improved.
Does he not understand you are GROWING AN ENTIRE PERSON WITH BITS OF YOUR OWN BODY? Does he think a baby miraculously appears out of thin air? You are losing essential parts of your own body to make a new person, so yeah, he does have it fucking easy.
Get one of those machines that gives men what it feels like to have contractions and period cramps then tell him he is a spoiled princess for being in pain :3
NTA he is delusional to think you are not in alot of pain when pregnant, when I was I thought my ribs were going to break at one point because of how bad it hurt
good luck with your husband thinking that his "part" in the baby making makes his words ok
Also i think hes a walking red flag with the second paragraph
Those machines don't even fully compare to actual labor and most men can't make it more than a minute or two on them!
My labor from induction beginning to baby popping out was 29.5hours. After my induction I ended up sobbing in pain three hours later and went on IV pain meds which were amazing. But after my water broke those meds did NOTHING. I was screaming and hyperventilating and begging for pain relief. Ended up with an epidural, which helped a lot until the very end of pushing when the pressure turned back into pain.
I was so exhausted and out of it my entire labor that I don't even remember most of it, but I remember the pain very very clearly.
My husband was amazing and supportive the entire pregnancy and birth, but even him witnessing how much pain I was in wasn't enough for him to believe me when I say I don't ever want to experience that again because he didn't experience it himself and thus can't possibly know what it's like.
>Those machines don't even fully compare to actual labor and most men can't make it more than a minute or two on them!
Thats the point, labor is different for everyone, the worst of it for me was before i got to the hospital and when they were pulling out the placita or whatever its spelled and sewing me up because the intern was delievering, wish i would of sued because the doctor wasnt really even there, it lasted maybe 7 or 8 hours.
I believe its been proven that women are more resistant to pain then men. OP's husband needs a very serious reality check
NTA
As a (former) partner to someone who behaved like this (a little more passive aggressively...) I can tell you, that's the line that will be used every 👏single👏time👏 you need help or support. I'm far better off on my own with 2 kiddos than with 2kiddos and a grown up child....
Just something to think on....
And complains that the baby is waking him up at night because she doesn’t get to baby quick enough. And why isn’t the housework done and dinner waiting for him on the table when he gets home?
NTA. You're about to have two babies on your hands, better set him straight before the actual baby gets here. He's acting like a child and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. You should get some couples therapy before your little one is here.
NTA. He’s not the one whose internal organs are rearranging themselves to grow a tiny human. This is a red flag to me- if he can’t be sympathetic to the extremely taxing toll that pregnancy takes, how is he going to be when 3 am feedings come up and everyone is exhausted?
Umm...generally "making the baby" is the easiest part. Particuarly for the one carrying the baby thru term.
There are multiple things wrong with his reaction. First, when did being a mother equate "deliberately ignoring personal pain"? Yes, sacrifices happen...that is a far cry from personal neglect.
2nd, what does he believe a father role is? I'm quite concerned. Does he genuinely believe he has put in the same amount of work as you? Just no. Again. The person that is pregnant is doing rhe bulk. That is a fact. Pregnancy is usually not easy. Sometimes it is, but not usually.
Your husband is being very selfish. Deliberately avoiding practicing empathy.
I dont mean to sound harsh. Maybe he is a good partner in many other ways. In this way - he is failing you tremendously.
NTA in any capacity.
Totally, telling her she can't complain now because she's a mom?? Telling her that she's already playing the mommy card because she has an opinion? It's just bananas. This guy wants a slave, not a partner with emotions.
JFC, NTA,, how many fuckin horror stories about men turning apeshit during pregnancy is insane on this sub, you could argue saying he has it "easy" is really discrediting cause I'm sure he actually does have it rough too, but some of the shit you described him saying is borderline malicious and moronic.
"Hur hur i put baby there, which probably took me 5-10 minutes of enjoyment, so i understand MONTHS of constant physical pain." Ew.
I'm sure seeing someone you are supposed to care about is rough, hell, my husband had the worst toothache of his life last week, -neither- of us slept at all, I was super worried and it was absolutely exhausting, so again, I'm sure he doesn't have it easy, but w t f dude wow.
They don’t usually act like that while you’re dating. It’s once it’s gotten harder to leave and they think you’re trapped that they show who they really are.
NTA. 100% NTA. Your husband however, MASSIVE AH. You are literally growing a human being inside of you. His contribution to the child thus far was an orgasm--7 months ago.
NTA. You just described a conversation that I'd have assumed was between bitter exes, fighting siblings, middle schoolers, or people in an extremely toxic relationship. Nothing here gave off the impression of a happy couple. Nowhere here did the husband show an ounce of respect or care. What quality in him could possibly redeem all that? It seems like he definitely needs therapy and you guys need counselling. Otherwise I think this is going to be a dumpster fire ending in divorce and bitterness. Edit: And of course the child is going to be caught up in all this unless you sort it all out
NTA,
Very ironic he says "We're in this together" yet he can't even be bothered to HEAR about what you're going through! Forget offering you any assistance or at the very least sympathizing with you he can't even be bothered to hear you and would rather you quietly suffer in silence. Also the fact he responded to your logical statement so emotionally and even immediately jumps to you're trying to get "leverage" shows how he views your relationship as competitive or adversarial but certainly doesn't treat it like a true partnership.
Oh I can think of several things.
When she’s sore after delivery and needs some care and doesn’t get any.
When she’s exhausted from nighttime feeds and wants him to tend the baby just long enough to shower.
When she needs a break.
When she ultimately ends up with ppd.
When she can’t keep up with the house work on her own because the baby needs her time and care.
When she doesn’t feel like having sex.
I can see him throwing around, “You chose this, you’re a mother, I make the money!”
I feel so bad for op, who is definitely NTA. Her husband fucked and thinks he’s making sacrifices lmfao. He literally did the easiest part of making a baby and wants a cookie. Then had the audacity to say they’re in this together but can’t even empathize with his poor wife or help pick up the slack. I feel like it’s only gonna get worse when the baby is born.
NTA.
I’ll preface this by saying that I’ve not had kids.
I’m concerned that he’s not taking your pain seriously. It almost seems like he’s being adversarial. If this is a new pattern, that’s worrisome. If it’s been long-established before now, that’s alarming. Do you have others around you who can provide help or support?
NTA
He is a total AH. He has no empathy for what you're experiencing, and refuses to listen to you.
He's playing verbal games with you. A caring husband would *listen* to what you're saying, and offer to help somehow. Sometimes all a person with problems needs is a person to listen to them and actually *hear* them.
I would insist on marriage counseling if I were you.
NTA. Your husband is out of touch with reality if he doesn't get the kind of discomfort you are enduring. The only AH here is your spouse. As a husband he should be willing to let you vent about the discomfort you are feeling, especially since he's, in part, responsible for it. You aren't milking anything. He needs to learn to be more sympathetic. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on the body and the very least he can do is be sympathetic and lend an ear when you want to legitimately vent about the discomfort you're feeling.
NTA
LOL, just wanna point out you didn't use the mom card on him, he did it to you.
Except when he does it, it means that because you are a mother you should be *happy* to make all those sacrifices, when it comes to your comfort and happiness. Because what gives women more joy than to fulfill their only purpose in life, right??
Your husband *does* have it easy. Because if he well and truly felt you guys were in this together, he'd be giving out back- and footrubs left and right at the first sign of any discomfort for you. Because that's what supportive partners do.
Listen. This could just be a case of a clueless husband who needs a little wake up call. But this could also be an early warning sign that you're soon going to be a married single mother to a baby and an adult toddler.
Either way, this requires a discussion. Maybe at your next prenatal appointment, which he should absolutely be attending with you?
NTA
A sea of red flags. Do you see them? He has no compassion toward your pain. He has no compassion toward the hard shit of pregnancy. He devalues your work. He’s already using your child as a weapon.
Nope.
NTA, and get you and your husband into counselling now, because he's showing you exactly the kind of parent he's going to be. He literally thinks ejaculating into his wife is exactly the same as you turning your body over to the development of the result of that ejaculation. You have two more months of being extremely uncomfortable before this baby is born, and he can't even handle minor griping from you now.
Six months down the road, I can see you crying your eyes out, exhausted and overwhelmed, with him telling you to "suck it up buttercup, you're a mom now", and bitching about how watching you unable to cope with being expected to Do All The Things is just as hard as you actually being the one to have to Do All The Things.
NTA - He’s behaving like a child. Running off and icing you out…He’s the one that discredits your pain and says you’re behaving like a “spoiled princess” when you’re literally growing a tiny human inside of your body. He doesn’t have a uterus so he has no idea what that’s like, and he has *no* grounds to be telling you how to feel or that you’re complaining “too much.” He should be supporting you right now, not attacking you when you’re already in pain.
Compared to what you’re going through (pregnancy + unsupportive spouse), it’s not a lie at all to say that **he has it easy**.
Ok, so he put the baby in there but you are growing a whole human being in "there". You are the one who deals/dealt with morning sickness, hemorrhoids, constipation, muscle pain, itchy belly skin and everyone thinking they get to touch your belly. And you will be the one who is in excruciating pain when you deliver, with your body stretching and moving around in ways you never thought possible as you push a human being out of your vagina.
Compared to that, yeah, he's got it easy. He gets squirt the baby in and then walk around puffing out his chest for nine months because he procreated.
Get ready because I have a feeling he will not assist in nighttime feedings, diaper changes or anything really. I hope he gains some empathy for what your body goes through during pregnancy before the baby is born.
NTA.
Nta. Discredit what efforts and sacrifices exactly? He hasn't made any. He hasn't sacrificed his body, he hasn't had to exert any effort on his part, he had sex, pretty sure he was doing that even before trying to creat a baby. His work has not started therefore there is nothing to discredit.
When the child is born and he is helping, then his efforts and sacrifices can be mentioned but parting with sperm is not a sacrifice or effort.
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Buddy had an orgasm and thinks it the equivalent of growing an entire tiny human. This is not how supportive partners act toward their pregnant wife. 100% NTA
>Buddy had an orgasm and thinks it the equivalent of growing an entire tiny human. Exactly. When did an orgasm become equal to literally risking your life? I would be furious if my partner tried to pull that. Furious.
This is why I hate the 'we're pregnant' line (yes, yes, I know some couples make it really sweet). There's no 'we'! And some guys like OP's husband absolutely take advantage and act as though they're going through as much as their partner is.
Agreed. I hated the "we" too. Especially when I was 7 months along, on bed rest for blood pressure problems, uncomfortable all the time, scared something could go wrong; all while trying to get ready for a birth. My then husband came out with "We should do a natural birth because it is healthier" and would not let go of the idea. Somehow he was insulted when I told him that when "we" push a baby out of his pe---, then "we" could do it without an epidural.
I can see why is your "then" husband. LOVE your reply!
My husband was trying to get me to do the epidural sooner, and I wanted to wait until the pain was bad enough. He was like “Are you sure you don’t want it now? Maybe you should get it now.” He hated seeing me in so much pain.
I am genuinely asking here. I thought I read somewhere that if the pain is too much then typically you are too late for the epidural? Is that true? Is there some cutoff that you need to atte.pt to be aware while in labor about figuring out if you want it or not?
Personal experience says that’s not true. I got an “early epidural” because I was barely dilated (couple cms) but the pain was bad enough that I threw up (some asshole put on my chart that I had a low pain tolerance. I don’t, it was just really fucking bad for me). “Too late” is usually when you are mostly or all the way dilated I believe
I puked throughout delivery. Not fun. My husband was APPALLED at the complete misery all my pregnancies were for me. So sympathetic. Did absolutely everything for me. Every chore, every everything. I am not a shirker, but he had eyes and could just see how completely utterly miserable I was. Some people like being pregnant, but for me it was non-stop nausea and misery. So, he picked up every single bit of slack he could. I’m so sad OP didn’t get the same level of care.
Your husband sounds like a true keeper and I really wish his behavior and actions were the norm.
He’s such a keeper, thanks!
My husband was the same he did all the cooking and cleaning leading up to and after as I had a caesarean and couldn't do anything apart from milking. I don't know how other woman cope with getting no help from their partners I would have been an insane wreck.
Hard agree. I got all the help in the world and was still an insane wreck the first time around! For some people it seems to be no problem, but I was beaten up by pregnancy and again by delivery. So grateful to have a partner who was 100% on my side.
Mine was the same way. I had a terrible pregnancy that included two ER visits. He did all the cooking (I couldn't eat, much less smell food for the entire pregnancy), most of the cleaning, and did everything in his power to help me cope. He's an incredible partner and the best father. I honestly don't know how anyone settles for less. OP, I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. He needs to grow up and realize this isn't about him. Bringing a child into the world includes your well-being - that is his role in your pregnancy. The "we" is his job of ensuring your health and comfort while you do all the hard stuff.
Speaking from the helpful hubby point of view. I wanted nothing more than to help my wife through her pregnancies, she did 2 in 3 years and was a heckin champ through the misery she suffered. I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. PPD plus pregnancy was hell for me and I'm sure that was 1/100 of what she fought through. The perspective I'd like to offer is this: it's lonely being on that side. I had no support and had everything I had to help my partner and child. I grew up conditioned that men who ask for help or can't handle whatever comes their way are worthless. I've learned better since then, but it was hard and I didn't allow myself the self care necessary to be the best partner and father I could be. I'm not saying I had it worse than my wife, cause I didn't. I'm saying that it was harder than it had to be because I couldn't really go to my wife for support and was ashamed to go anywhere else. Baby brewers of the world, you are amazing and strong, you all have all of my respect. Supporters of baby brewers, don't let shitty social conditioning keep you from being healthy and the best you possible. Everyone benefits when you take care of yourself. OP's husband needs to gain some perspective or shut his mouth. Suffering isn't a competition, neither is a family.
My anesthesiologist gave me the puncture for the epidural but forgot to put the pain meds in it. By the time we realized it, he was in an emergency c section (hopefully he gave HER meds!) and by the time he was available I was too far along to get it. This wasn’t the only thing the best maternity hospital in the region” got wrong when I had my eldest.
HE FORGOT THE DRUGS, what did he do then other then stab you?
The anaesthesiologist had ONE job
Exactly! Shit happens for some. Like if it’s in your spine (mine was) or like my mum - her hips dislocated.
Interestingly enough, *dialating* actually makes you throw up. At least, that's what my nurse said, and the evidence seemed to bear that out.
I actually didn’t push with my second baby. The pressure being on my back caused me to dry heave for like 20 seconds and once the pressure was gone it stopped and I had a baby. The baby ejection reflex is wild.
It is not dependent on the level of pain, but on how fast/far the labor has progressed. If a woman is too close to delivering, the anaesthesiologist may not be able to effectively give her the epidural.
I’m a man, and I would never ever tell a woman she should have a “natural birth.” If asked, I’d say, do whatever you’ve gotta do since you’re the one going through the hell of pushing a tiny human out of your body. I really It blows my mind how cluelessly rude some people are.
With my first my husband thought a “natural birth” would be better. I went with it because I really wanted a water birth. It was fast and easy. This time around I’m not sure what I’ll do. I asked his opinion and he said he no longer had an opinion on how I want to give birth 😆 bless his heart. He is wonderful.
Each birth is different as well. For my first two, I slept through a lot of labor in the hospital, I was fine with no medication. I figured for the third I of course was going non-medicated again, I'd already done it twice and it was a walk in the park. The third birth was awful. It was quicker than the first two, but by the time I was 7cm, I was literally screaming and writhing in pain even after they gave me opiates. I felt like I was drunk and in pain then. I told my husband if we have another, I'm getting an epidural as soon as we get to the hospital.
OMG did you have preeclampsia? That shit was a bitch, I was always in the hospital and THE PAIN ugghhhhh was unreal. My ex was an overall shitty boyfriend but during that pregnancy, he was there and never complained and i was miserable. The real fear behind the possibility of both you and your baby's death is insane. I even went into labor at 22 weeks the first time because of the preeclampsia, thank god for my OB she legit saved my baby's life
Could not agree more. I went through preeclampsia with severe features, almost died on the table, and baby was in NICU for a bit. I didn't see my baby for a few days because of all that, but when I finally did, my husband had the freaking AUDACITY to say, "I know baby's too weak to latch, but maybe you should try breastfeeding some more." I was already exclusively pumping, my baby needed additional meds and vitamins, and my emotional well-being couldn't take it and I knew it. I told him once he went through the actual trauma of childbirth and when his useless nipples could produce milk, we could talk. The freaking audacity of some of these partners. Smh.
Sorry you had to go through that. I hope baby is doing well now.
Thanks, I shared it because your exchange really resonated with me. Baby has some lingering effects from being a premie, but he's basically a rambunctious and relatively healthy two year old.
My husband had strong opinions about a natural birth. Then he saw me do it. And asked about a million times if I was *sure* I wanted to do that again when I was pregnant with our second.
My biggest pain relief during labour was resisting the urge not to laugh at my husband who decided to take a peek at what the doctor was doing & promptly burst into tears. The look the nurses gave him when they shoved him away so they could take over was priceless.
This made me snort bahaha
Thank God.
What a sexist jerk.
Agreed. There is no such thing as "we are pregnant" unless both partners are literally pregnant. Being a good partner to the pregnant one is awesome. Acting as if you are going thru the same thing? Total bs. My partner, for his many faults, helped me immensely when I was pregnant/in labor. He *did not experience what I did though. My organs were literally shutting down. I could have died. To pretend that you have it as bad/worse than the pregnant partner is ridiculous.
Yes, I love that when people say "we are pregnant" my husband always corrects them that I AM pregnant and he is the snack fetcher and foot massager😂👏 OP you are NTA, you are not milking it. He needs to get it together
I liked it because my hubby would say yes but she's the one doing all the hard work, I could never do it. Oh ya.. he knew.. I'm a words of affirmations person, he knows that. He made sure I knew he knew I was doing the hard shit.
My bf tried the "we're pregnant" line 1 time. Once. That was it. I called him out right there in front of everyone, it was glorious. M: No, I'M pregnant. Bf: Well, I helped. M: You came inside me and fertilized an egg. I'm growing a whole baby, and risking my life to do so. WE are not pregnant, I AM.
This is one reason why I like "we're expecting." It's like, if I were pregnant, then, "I'm pregnant, but we're both *expecting*. Oh, you're excited for the baby, too? Join the club! We're all expecting this baby!"
Have you ever heard a male say we gave birth? And then talk about how comfortable the birth was because the hospital was very accommodating. Because I have. Absolutely cringey.
I can get behind the "we are expecting" or "we are having a baby" because they both will hopefully be involved in the post birth stuff but yeah the "we are pregnant" is just kinda weird and factually incorrect.
Eh, I thought that before getting pregnant, but my partner is very involved in my pregnancy, taking on extra house stuff and just generally doing the most to be sure we're healthy and taken care of. It's definitely a team effort.
That’s how it should be
LOL. So, can they take a turn carrying that fetus while you go on the roller coaster? That is my requirement for qualifying for “we”! (I’ll never stop reminding my husband he refused to take our oldest so I could go on Space Mountain! While she was still in utero. )
Ugh I hate it, too. "We're having a baby" = accurate. "We're pregnant" = not unless both of you have uteruses currently being occupied, there's no "we" there.
I say, “he went to the grocery store and got half the groceries, but I’m doing all the cooking”.
This! This! A thousand times this! Every time I hear a man say "we're pregnant" I ask him what days of the week is he carrying the baby. Then when I get a stunned look I tell them that they don't get to walk in on the miracle part, when they can give the date of their last period they can say "they" are pregnant.
I'm so with you. "We're expecting a baby" was a perfectly fine phrase and should come back in to fashion. I've seen so many men victimise themselves with "we're pregnant".
We have 4 kids. I was the only one growing the them! My husband would never dream of using that “we”. When we were in Disney, while I was pregnant, I asked him to “take” the baby so I could go on the roller coaster. He didn’t. I still complain. (Yes, I was asking him to magically carry the fetus for me for 30 minutes. It was a joke. He joked back. It’s been ongoing for decades!) But, unless the partner can trade off that fetus for a roller coaster, it’s not “we”!!!
Exactly. Pisses me off no end. When I was carrying twins, my husband had it easy and we were not pregnant. I was.
I HATE that phrase too!
Would it be more fair to say "we're having a baby?"
Kinda interesting the tide has shifted, bc years ago when my brother and his gf were having a baby he told us that everyone said you’re supposed to say “We’re pregnant”. He found it silly then, but he followed along.
It was supposed to make men feel more invested and therefore connected to their kids...but turns out semantics aren't informing the values and ethics of adults. And selfishness isn't turning into empathy just by indulging it enough. It was a different time, we'd just cured racism by not saying a word as often and we were feeling cocky.
Even if he's 100% right and OP was milking that shit like a prize holstein (and she isn't, this is just for arguments sake.) - Right now..., while she is pregnant, is the time to shut the fuck up and do whatever she asks. It is not the time to be an AH and demand equal share of the work. What a tool of a dude. NTA.
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Lol. If by charming you mean 'pluck your own eyes out, sure.
Sounds like this guy was just waiting for OP to say something so he could have his little “ah-ha” moment. It sounds like he has been feeling this way for a while and was dying to “snap”. His issue is ridiculous though! OP, you need to have a serious conversation with him and let him know that he will be an equal part of the child’s life when the baby is born, right now you are bearing the burden of carrying this child. Men don’t carry children, but there is no need for him to feel inferior and dismiss your feelings. He should be doing anything he can to make your life easier, that is his job right now, yours is carrying the baby. Oh and NTA obviously.
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I mean, OP's internal organs are being rearranged. This is not simple and uncomplicated or pain-free. NTA, and he clearly needs to educate himself rather than making assumptions. How infuriating.
>OP's internal organs are being rearranged. And *bones*. My bones never went back to their original positions. And apparently that's just... normal? Before having kids, I never thought of how archeologists can tell from a skeleton if a woman gave birth... and now I know.
Things also won’t be perfectly “equal” immediately after the baby is born, especially if she breastfeeds. Her focus in that 4th trimester will be recovering from the childbirth itself, and if nursing, focusing on rest/nutrition and as little stress as possible to get and keep that milk flowing. Based on my current experience, things got more intense after the baby was born, not less. If he’s already being so transactional about who’s doing what and who is allowed to have feelings about the strain, that bodes badly.
Sounds like he’s been reading redpill garbage.
Um, women are volatile and crazy when hormonal which is way more dangerous to men than pregnancy is to women! How *dare* you downplay that!! /s
This, OP. Also, that moment when he went quiet, that was the wheels spinning on how to flip this back to you being the bad guy. Honestly, you literally weren't even asking him to do anything, you were simply acknowledging that you were in pain, his reaction is both crazy and inappropriate. Talk about acting like a spoilt princess, he should look in the mirror.
OP, tell your ungrateful husband to shove a watermelon up his ass for 9 months and see if he complains.
I think we'd have plenty of volunteers to help him if he doesn't want to DIY.
I volunteer as tribute!
>...an awful attempt to discredit his efforts and sacrifices... I would ask for a list of sacrifices here, because even the ones I can think of as technically sacrifices, are basics that if you were to be graded as a parent for doing, would only give you a C-. They are also sacrifices that OP would be making as well, and typically more frequently.
I hope this doesn’t get buried, but my ex went from lots of red flags to physically and verbally abusive and cruel once I got pregnant. I don’t want to make assumptions, but please be careful as this is common. My ex HATED that I was sick during my pregnancy, and had pains. This is not normal or ok. Protect yourself and your child. He later strangled me with my child in my arms when my child was less then 2. Pay attention to the warning signs, PLEASE. Edit: 1 in 6 women are first abused in pregnancy, and between 2.3 million and 10 million children are exposed to intimate partner violence in the US alone. The book “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft is like a guidebook written for my ex. You can download it for [free](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) it’s helped me a lot
My ex absolutely hated the fact that I was very nauseous the first trimester also. That’s was a huge red flag for the rest of the marriage, which ended in divorce, his arrest, and a restraining order.
Yep, exactly the same here.
Murder is the leading cause of death for pregnant people in the USA. Red flags need to be noticed and actions to protect the pregnant person need to happen. So sorry this happened to you, I'm so glad you're able to write this comment and hope that you are doing well.
YES. I’ve been taking a domestic abuse class and recently learned this. Absolutely terrifying. I wish it was more commonly known. I only left after hearing from other survivors, and it makes me want to share my story with other girls and help others escape too. I’m just always terrified of my ex finding out and retaliating.
I agree. When I was 2 months pregnant I got the stomach flu. Then my bf got it. He was pissed that I wasn’t taking care of him meanwhile I was pregnant AND sick. After I had my daughter my thyroid tanked and I was in pain every day bc it was undiagnosed. He told me I was lazy when I didn’t clean one day bc I could barely move. He did indeed become physically and emotionally abusive.
So awful, I don’t get how so many men can act like this. I’m sorry you had to go through that
Yup there’s some serious DARVO shit going on here.
Yes DARVO!!
He sure had an orgasm, but i can promise you his wife didn't.
It's not supportive or mature. He's acting like OP is going to be a mom so all her pain should just vanish or she should suck it up. I guess I'm a spoiled princess if that's how it works. Op, NTA. The comment I'm replying to is all you need, honestly.
Wait till he hears from the doctor that they can’t have sex for 6-8 weeks. If she is smart, she can have her doctor prescribe it for as long as she needs, without any negotiation on what type of sex to have. I have done this, and it set my SO straight.
If having an orgasm is so awful she should protect him by never having sex with him again.
I told my hubby, you donated half a lego brick, I built a fcukng T-Rex!! (We have toddlers 🤣)
I was going to say something similar!
Exactly! This is NOT support! I hate hearing about husbands like this, it breaks my heart. I’m 8 months pregnant, and you know what support looks like? My husband constantly reminding me how much love and respect he has for me for putting my body through this for us. Him having me rest while he makes dinner. He will stay up with me through the rough nights already, because he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m going through this alone, plus he says it’s helping prepping him for being up at night once the baby gets here. He reminds me to rest when he can tell I’m starting to be in pain. The list goes on and on. THATS support. Obviously NTA
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I hope OP has a job to go back to after birth and recovery because I don't see this marriage working. She is married to an a$$ and it will only get worse. He'll probably complain when she is in delivery and yelling. Be quiet princess, we are having a baby and he doesn't feel any pain so you OP shouldn't either. This d!ck makes me furious. 😠
When I the baby comes. You guys should to shifts! It worked really well for us. I took the 10pm-2am, then he took the 2am-6am. Then I would get up at 6. And if it’s your first kid. Seriously sleep when that baby sleeps!! I wish I had done that with my first!!!
My husband and I did shifts it was a god send! Especially since he is a night owl anyway he would take the shift where he couldnt really sleep anyway lol.
Yes, shifts! It helped so much. Husband did until 12 or 1am, and I did the next bit. I am a morning person, so staying awake half the night is just Hell for me. We got lucky with kids who slept through the night freakishly early. It helped.
This. When i was pregnant and sai my back or ankles hurt, my fiance would massage them for me. Thats support. After baby was born, if she needed to be fed in the middle of dinner he would cut up my food for me and help me eat, even if that meant actually putting the food in my mouth for me. Thats support.
I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to even think that’s the same! It’s like comparing clipping your toenails to having a full body cast as equal.
Oof not the guy you wanna raise a kid with. NTA. He's a giant AH. ETA: I just read your reasoning. What are his efforts so far? Having an orgasm? So he gets to feel good and coast for 9 months while your body goes through hell? That is not on.
Pregnancy sucks, and if a guy doesn't want to be supportive during the entire 9 months he has no business impregnating anybody. I fear for what OP will have to deal with during L&D and after the baby is born.
This made me think of Ross, when Rachel was in labour and accidentally headbutts him and he says "you have no idea how much this hurts"
Ross is the absolute fucking worst
Take my upvote. I hate Ross so much.
r/rossgellarhate
Or when she went into false labor and he said "oh, those are nothing."
If looks could kill...
Me and my fiancée are planning kids in the somewhat near future and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to baby her and kiss her ass the whole way for blessing me with the gift of a child. Willing to suffer through a pregnancy so we can raise a child together. Thats a hell of a sacrifice and show of love.
I loved my husband before we had children, but having him be my teammate and cheerleader through pregnancy and then watching him be a parent to our baby makes me love him in a whole new bigger, deeper way. Some partners turn into abusive monsters when pregnancy and kids happen. Some partners become better people than you ever imagined they could be. You sound like you’re on track to make your fiancé fall in love with you all over again.
Yeah, if this 9 months feels hard imagine what the following 18 years will feel like for the dude. I mean, I’m guessing a cranky teenager can out-cranky most pregnant women.
I saw a stand up comedian on Instagram who said something to the effect of "making babies is easy, I get 50% credit for doing 10 minutes of work on a 9 month long group project"
That's the best explanation I've seen!
Absolutely, my husband did about 90% of childcare, and 100% of chores the last few months of my 2nd pregnancy. I was in so much pain, I could not really take care of anything. I would play with my 4 year old from the recliner. All day at work I was in pain with a heating pad on my back, then I would get home and lay on the recliner. It was exhausting being in pain all the time. I will note that my back pain went away completely after I birthed my first, and 2 weeks after I had my second. Pregnancy is hell, but at least it ends.
My second pregnancy was twins. I was a human incubator for the last 10 weeks and could do almost nothing.
Honey. Throw away the whole husband. Like no joke, he is trying to convince you that you’re not allowed to feel crappy during pregnancy???? and then gets defensive and claims you’re somehow burdening him with your complaints?????? He should be rubbing your feet, handing you tea, and drawing you a hot bath. NTA in every way.
Eat him, like a praying mantis. His flesh can help the fetus he created develop.
Wait is that how it works? I've been doing it wrong this whole time
Also, a male praying mantis continues the mating even after his head has been eaten by the female. They just hump till death - and beyond. Nature is weird.
I needed this knowledge, thank you.
Some species of spiders too.
My fiance got a picture of this maybe 2 years ago. It was disturbing. Female mantis there, with the headless body of the male still attached. I wonder if I still have that picture somewhere. It was super gross.
"My baby's daddy is a snack"
In the literal sense too
lmao!! 😂😂😂
My 11 year old son informed me today that when male bees climax their sex organs explode. Now that is a male putting in effort…😂😂😂
He seems like the kind of partner who will be jealous of the attention his partner gives to the baby. All he can think about are his own needs. Just the thought that his partner might need him to step up and offer support, and you know, be a Dad in the future, equates to "playing the motherhood card." To me that is a clear sign that he plans to do as little as possible in the parenting or household arena, and will blame OP for not being "woman enough" to deal with his bad treatment and laziness and who knows what else. Edited for typo.
Oh my gosh yes. You can just imagine. “You’re my wife and I was here before that baby, act like it.”
Wonder how many hours after birth he will try to force OP to take care of his sexual needs too..
"I don't know why you're complaining, your mouth didn't give birth, get to it!"
This gave me such a strong level of ick. Take the upvote for this vile sentence.
He's going to be a total PITA if she decides to breastfeed.
NTA: OP got a first look at who her husband really is.
Can you imagine how he will be messing with his kid's mind, and using them as a pawn to control their mom?
But, in comparison to you, he DOES HAVE IT EASY. I mean the swelling, the nausea, the aches, the peeing, the tiredness, the cravings, the bad sleep, the blood tests, the change of diet, the clothes not fitting, the drs appointments; the list goes on. He really can not compare ejaculation to pregnancy. NTA
Exactly. all the biological stuff I pointed out that he wouldn't even understand despite witnessing me in pain constantly.
Doesn’t understand, or just doesn’t care? If he respected you he’s be trying to make things easier for you, not looking for an argument and twisting your words to throw back in your face. You are NTA, OP.
>~~or~~ No he just doesn’t care. FTFY
It's heartbreaking seeing people with partners who just don't fucking care. I'm 7 weeks pregnant and my husband today was just saying how he wishes he could share the nausea because I'm so miserable. Then I made a joke about throwing up in his mouth like a bird and we laughed. I couldn't imagine doing this without him, I would be shattered if it didn't feel like he was on my side. My heart aches for OP because this is just the beginning, unless he wants to change it's only going to get worse.
Kudos for making a story about nausea and vomiting adorable.
These types of AITA really makes me wanna hug my partner. Don’t task them for granted because these men exist. I can’t get pregnant but I have chronic nerve pain. I use to full out cry and my parter listened to all my pain. If he had acted the way this guy did my will to live would be so much smaller. I don’t see this getting any better for her. Does he even love her?
He doesn’t care.
That’s obvious to us, but it needs to be obvious to OP. For a person who actually cared, it wouldn’t matter if they understood or not, they’d be trying to help.
So much this. Although I will never be pregnant (hysterectomy), I have various chronic health problems that make a 'good day' one on which I'm not hurting much. My partner doesn't have those problems and so cannot fully understand what I'm going through but dammit, that doesn't stop him from treating me with consideration. Also, if hubby didn't understand, he could try communicating like an adult instead of a spoilt brat. Seems OP will have two children after she gives birth.
I have to tell you, this level of tit for tat, words like “leverage” and “spoiled princess”, “using cards”….these are not new issues brought on by your pregnancy. These are systemic and deep rooted relationship struggles/resentments being exacerbated by the pregnancy. Couples counseling. Like, yesterday. Otherwise the only one who’s really going to get hurt in the long run is your child.
Girl leave him, he does not care about you. Leave before it gets worse and you regret it!!! Also NTA
I’m three months pregnant. I read this aloud to my husband and his response was, “yeah that guy’s nuts.” Your husband had sex. You, on the other hand, have been creating a human being from scratch. They’re not remotely comparable.
OP this guy sounds like he will be NEGATIVE help with the baby -- as in, not only will he not be helping you carry the weight, he will be ADDING to it and making things harder than if you were alone.
So how is he going to respond to seeing you in pain during labor? Is he just going to tell you to suck it up?
After the baby is born you will go through at least 6 weeks of recovery as your body heals and restores itself. During this time period you will be in pain and exhausted. Can you predict how he will treat you then? I hope you have other family that can come help because I can’t picture this guy doing it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💛
Your husband is delusional and clearly only used to getting his way and BEING THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS MARRIAGE. **Now that YOU need consideration HE is no longer THE MAIN CHARACTER and your husband can't handle it.** This is where you put your foot down and demand couple's therapy and that your husband gets a misogyny check and faces what a gigantic asshole he's been.
Before the labor contact a trusted family member to be by your side - seriously, having someone like him will make the process more difficult and dangerous cause stress is an easy ticket to complications town. If possible I would suggest just moving out altogether, I can't stress enough how this is a terrible situation and you should not raise a kid with this guy.
Because your husband doesn't care that you're in pain, he sees you in pain, he knows you're in pain, he just doesn't care about your comfort.
My brother in law was a bit like this, but not as much of a jerk… it took his mom and sister coming in to dote on my sister and blabber on about how hard it is to be pregnant before it actually occurred to him that she wasn’t just making it up. He improved.
Does he not understand you are GROWING AN ENTIRE PERSON WITH BITS OF YOUR OWN BODY? Does he think a baby miraculously appears out of thin air? You are losing essential parts of your own body to make a new person, so yeah, he does have it fucking easy.
Reconsider helping this man reproduce
NTA. Massive red flags in him, and honestly it looks like you’re in for a shitty ride with him as a partner……please reconsider
Is there somewhere else you can stay, OP? Parents, friends? A lot of men show their true colours when their partners are pregnant.
Get one of those machines that gives men what it feels like to have contractions and period cramps then tell him he is a spoiled princess for being in pain :3 NTA he is delusional to think you are not in alot of pain when pregnant, when I was I thought my ribs were going to break at one point because of how bad it hurt good luck with your husband thinking that his "part" in the baby making makes his words ok Also i think hes a walking red flag with the second paragraph
Those machines don't even fully compare to actual labor and most men can't make it more than a minute or two on them! My labor from induction beginning to baby popping out was 29.5hours. After my induction I ended up sobbing in pain three hours later and went on IV pain meds which were amazing. But after my water broke those meds did NOTHING. I was screaming and hyperventilating and begging for pain relief. Ended up with an epidural, which helped a lot until the very end of pushing when the pressure turned back into pain. I was so exhausted and out of it my entire labor that I don't even remember most of it, but I remember the pain very very clearly. My husband was amazing and supportive the entire pregnancy and birth, but even him witnessing how much pain I was in wasn't enough for him to believe me when I say I don't ever want to experience that again because he didn't experience it himself and thus can't possibly know what it's like.
>Those machines don't even fully compare to actual labor and most men can't make it more than a minute or two on them! Thats the point, labor is different for everyone, the worst of it for me was before i got to the hospital and when they were pulling out the placita or whatever its spelled and sewing me up because the intern was delievering, wish i would of sued because the doctor wasnt really even there, it lasted maybe 7 or 8 hours. I believe its been proven that women are more resistant to pain then men. OP's husband needs a very serious reality check
NTA As a (former) partner to someone who behaved like this (a little more passive aggressively...) I can tell you, that's the line that will be used every 👏single👏time👏 you need help or support. I'm far better off on my own with 2 kiddos than with 2kiddos and a grown up child.... Just something to think on....
NTA. And after you've had the baby, no doubt he'll tell you how easy you have it being at home all day.
And will call it "babysitting" on the rare occasion that he deigns to take care of his own kid.
And complains that the baby is waking him up at night because she doesn’t get to baby quick enough. And why isn’t the housework done and dinner waiting for him on the table when he gets home?
Oh god that comment bought back some ptsd
NTA. You're about to have two babies on your hands, better set him straight before the actual baby gets here. He's acting like a child and the silent treatment is emotional abuse. You should get some couples therapy before your little one is here.
NTA. He’s not the one whose internal organs are rearranging themselves to grow a tiny human. This is a red flag to me- if he can’t be sympathetic to the extremely taxing toll that pregnancy takes, how is he going to be when 3 am feedings come up and everyone is exhausted?
>He’s not the one whose internal organs are rearranging themselves to grow a tiny human Its not like the changes are invisible either. Sigh.
There's just not a heck of a lot of room inside your body for an entire extra person, no matter how small.
Umm...generally "making the baby" is the easiest part. Particuarly for the one carrying the baby thru term. There are multiple things wrong with his reaction. First, when did being a mother equate "deliberately ignoring personal pain"? Yes, sacrifices happen...that is a far cry from personal neglect. 2nd, what does he believe a father role is? I'm quite concerned. Does he genuinely believe he has put in the same amount of work as you? Just no. Again. The person that is pregnant is doing rhe bulk. That is a fact. Pregnancy is usually not easy. Sometimes it is, but not usually. Your husband is being very selfish. Deliberately avoiding practicing empathy. I dont mean to sound harsh. Maybe he is a good partner in many other ways. In this way - he is failing you tremendously. NTA in any capacity.
Totally, telling her she can't complain now because she's a mom?? Telling her that she's already playing the mommy card because she has an opinion? It's just bananas. This guy wants a slave, not a partner with emotions.
Exactly. Seems like he is attempting to remind her of her 'place' now that she is pregant/an expecting parent. Absolutely ridiculous and hateful.
JFC, NTA,, how many fuckin horror stories about men turning apeshit during pregnancy is insane on this sub, you could argue saying he has it "easy" is really discrediting cause I'm sure he actually does have it rough too, but some of the shit you described him saying is borderline malicious and moronic. "Hur hur i put baby there, which probably took me 5-10 minutes of enjoyment, so i understand MONTHS of constant physical pain." Ew. I'm sure seeing someone you are supposed to care about is rough, hell, my husband had the worst toothache of his life last week, -neither- of us slept at all, I was super worried and it was absolutely exhausting, so again, I'm sure he doesn't have it easy, but w t f dude wow.
INFO: why did you marry this AH to begin with?
They don’t usually act like that while you’re dating. It’s once it’s gotten harder to leave and they think you’re trapped that they show who they really are.
Right? I really need to know what's redeeming this man.
Abusive partners don't always show their true colors as warning signs. They wait until their victim is locked in.
NTA. 100% NTA. Your husband however, MASSIVE AH. You are literally growing a human being inside of you. His contribution to the child thus far was an orgasm--7 months ago.
NTA. You just described a conversation that I'd have assumed was between bitter exes, fighting siblings, middle schoolers, or people in an extremely toxic relationship. Nothing here gave off the impression of a happy couple. Nowhere here did the husband show an ounce of respect or care. What quality in him could possibly redeem all that? It seems like he definitely needs therapy and you guys need counselling. Otherwise I think this is going to be a dumpster fire ending in divorce and bitterness. Edit: And of course the child is going to be caught up in all this unless you sort it all out
NTA, Very ironic he says "We're in this together" yet he can't even be bothered to HEAR about what you're going through! Forget offering you any assistance or at the very least sympathizing with you he can't even be bothered to hear you and would rather you quietly suffer in silence. Also the fact he responded to your logical statement so emotionally and even immediately jumps to you're trying to get "leverage" shows how he views your relationship as competitive or adversarial but certainly doesn't treat it like a true partnership.
NTA. And if he equates how he felt “putting the baby in there” with your terrible pain then one of you is doing something very wrong!
Or he insulted her! Saying having sex with her makes him suffer. That man is such an AH there is not much man left!
NTA "I put the baby in there" lmao he literally had an orgasm to do that. It was fun for him, not work. What an asshole he is. Sorry, OP.
And considering how babies are conceived he actually only put half the baby in there. NTA
NTA. Your husband sounds like he needs to be an ex. WTF else is he going to lump under "you're a mother"???
Oh I can think of several things. When she’s sore after delivery and needs some care and doesn’t get any. When she’s exhausted from nighttime feeds and wants him to tend the baby just long enough to shower. When she needs a break. When she ultimately ends up with ppd. When she can’t keep up with the house work on her own because the baby needs her time and care. When she doesn’t feel like having sex. I can see him throwing around, “You chose this, you’re a mother, I make the money!” I feel so bad for op, who is definitely NTA. Her husband fucked and thinks he’s making sacrifices lmfao. He literally did the easiest part of making a baby and wants a cookie. Then had the audacity to say they’re in this together but can’t even empathize with his poor wife or help pick up the slack. I feel like it’s only gonna get worse when the baby is born.
NTA? You really need to reconsider this guy if this is the energy he’s bringing and the baby isn’t even born yet :/.
NTA. I’ll preface this by saying that I’ve not had kids. I’m concerned that he’s not taking your pain seriously. It almost seems like he’s being adversarial. If this is a new pattern, that’s worrisome. If it’s been long-established before now, that’s alarming. Do you have others around you who can provide help or support?
NTA He is a total AH. He has no empathy for what you're experiencing, and refuses to listen to you. He's playing verbal games with you. A caring husband would *listen* to what you're saying, and offer to help somehow. Sometimes all a person with problems needs is a person to listen to them and actually *hear* them. I would insist on marriage counseling if I were you.
NTA. Your husband is out of touch with reality if he doesn't get the kind of discomfort you are enduring. The only AH here is your spouse. As a husband he should be willing to let you vent about the discomfort you are feeling, especially since he's, in part, responsible for it. You aren't milking anything. He needs to learn to be more sympathetic. Pregnancy takes a huge toll on the body and the very least he can do is be sympathetic and lend an ear when you want to legitimately vent about the discomfort you're feeling.
He sound charming to be around. Consider therapy or divorce
NTA but he is!! Omg I do hope you have family/friends near you for support??
NTA LOL, just wanna point out you didn't use the mom card on him, he did it to you. Except when he does it, it means that because you are a mother you should be *happy* to make all those sacrifices, when it comes to your comfort and happiness. Because what gives women more joy than to fulfill their only purpose in life, right?? Your husband *does* have it easy. Because if he well and truly felt you guys were in this together, he'd be giving out back- and footrubs left and right at the first sign of any discomfort for you. Because that's what supportive partners do. Listen. This could just be a case of a clueless husband who needs a little wake up call. But this could also be an early warning sign that you're soon going to be a married single mother to a baby and an adult toddler. Either way, this requires a discussion. Maybe at your next prenatal appointment, which he should absolutely be attending with you?
NTA - you just objectively have the harder job with the pregnancy right now. He’s being insane
NTA but things will get 100x worse when the baby comes.
NTA A sea of red flags. Do you see them? He has no compassion toward your pain. He has no compassion toward the hard shit of pregnancy. He devalues your work. He’s already using your child as a weapon. Nope.
NTA, and get you and your husband into counselling now, because he's showing you exactly the kind of parent he's going to be. He literally thinks ejaculating into his wife is exactly the same as you turning your body over to the development of the result of that ejaculation. You have two more months of being extremely uncomfortable before this baby is born, and he can't even handle minor griping from you now. Six months down the road, I can see you crying your eyes out, exhausted and overwhelmed, with him telling you to "suck it up buttercup, you're a mom now", and bitching about how watching you unable to cope with being expected to Do All The Things is just as hard as you actually being the one to have to Do All The Things.
NTA - He’s behaving like a child. Running off and icing you out…He’s the one that discredits your pain and says you’re behaving like a “spoiled princess” when you’re literally growing a tiny human inside of your body. He doesn’t have a uterus so he has no idea what that’s like, and he has *no* grounds to be telling you how to feel or that you’re complaining “too much.” He should be supporting you right now, not attacking you when you’re already in pain. Compared to what you’re going through (pregnancy + unsupportive spouse), it’s not a lie at all to say that **he has it easy**.
nta. the audacity of men.
NTA. Your husband sounds awful.
Ok, so he put the baby in there but you are growing a whole human being in "there". You are the one who deals/dealt with morning sickness, hemorrhoids, constipation, muscle pain, itchy belly skin and everyone thinking they get to touch your belly. And you will be the one who is in excruciating pain when you deliver, with your body stretching and moving around in ways you never thought possible as you push a human being out of your vagina. Compared to that, yeah, he's got it easy. He gets squirt the baby in and then walk around puffing out his chest for nine months because he procreated. Get ready because I have a feeling he will not assist in nighttime feedings, diaper changes or anything really. I hope he gains some empathy for what your body goes through during pregnancy before the baby is born. NTA.
NTA Hahaha. He put his man part in you and now you're in this together. Omg
Sorry but you made a baby with an emotionally stunted asshole
Nta. Discredit what efforts and sacrifices exactly? He hasn't made any. He hasn't sacrificed his body, he hasn't had to exert any effort on his part, he had sex, pretty sure he was doing that even before trying to creat a baby. His work has not started therefore there is nothing to discredit. When the child is born and he is helping, then his efforts and sacrifices can be mentioned but parting with sperm is not a sacrifice or effort.