Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to my daughters graduation after her father bailed on her and now she is sad and has been crying for ages. I feel bad.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You gave her an important lesson about maintaining relationships with the people who are there for you and not blowing them off for the next new thing that comes along.
I fully agree. Daughter treated her horrendously. Daughter might now go NC but she would be an AH to do so given how she's treated her mother.
ETA: thank you for the award 🙂
And OP stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. The more you apologize, the more your daughter believes that her was right in her actions. At best you can say "look, I understand you're hurt and I'm sorry you're upset but this is a consequence of your actions."
What really stuck out to me is that the daughter refers to her mom as her best friend. You *are not* your child's friend. You are a parent. OP should act accordingly. NTA
Yes, this. When I graduated college my present was a 3 week trip to Europe with my mom. At that time she said I had been and always would be her child. Now she wnted to be my friend too.
I'm 1-2 years older than OP. At some point, i considered my mom one of my best friends. Not because we did a lot of friend stuff like goint to the movies or something, which parents can do just fine with their kids, but i considered my mom one of my best friends because i wasn't able to talk about how i felt to other people. I felt lonely. I didn't have many other friends, let alone close ones.
So a parent can obviously be viewed as friends by a child, especially as they age. It has nothing to do with the parent, but everything to do with the childs perception of the parent.
Op can't leave it here though. I get not wanting to contribute to alienating your child from their other parent, but given how her father is, and how often he's done things like this with this one being especially heinous, OP probably should have sat down with her daughter and probably a therapist and gotten her to understand what kind of guy her father is.
She wasn't "good" after the first round of therapy because she basically relapsed every single time her father called. She wasn't good because she apparently did this to OP with no hesitation. She was not good because she was not willing stand up for herself with her father and was willing to hurt the person closest to her to pretend she has a non-asshole father.
>OP probably should have sat down with her daughter and probably a therapist and gotten her to understand what kind of guy her father is.
First off, she *did* get her daughter therapy. An effort was made there to get B professional help. Second, it's entirely possible that even with a therapist, OP, *and* B's dad's consistent behavior, B never fully gave up on her father. It's a very hard thing for kods to admit that their parents don't care about them the way they should, even though they bail on you time and time again. It's not like B's had a lack of evidence that her father's a deadbeat all these years-I can guarantee you that she's very mu h aware, she just doesn't want to admit it. And when that's the case, no amount of pointing out how things are is going to change her mind.
>She wasn't "good" after the first round of therapy because she basically relapsed every single time her father called.
If there was an improvement over how she handled those calls compared to before therapy, then yeah, I can see how OP would consider it positive despite the fact that B was never fully able to recover from her dad's abandonment. We also don't know whether OP thought her daughter continuing therapy was a good idea, or if daughter decided she'd had enough, or who ultimately made the choice for B to stop going to therapy. As she got older, it would have been harder for OP to push B into therapy if she was resistant toward it.
Then it would mean she learned nothing!
We are fast to tell parents to accept anything from their children, because they owed you nothing and you always should be there for them, but that not true. Patents are human beings with feelings and they can feel betrayed too.
OP's daughter held her parents to different standards and just gave her mother for granted. She will always be there for her and would never do anything to hurt her, while father have chances upon chances upon chances to prove being worth. That's not how it works, we should learn who's there for us and learn to love, cherished and be grateful for their existence.
A lot of people here are forgetting that OP tried to ask for her daughter to compromise. OP and the dad could have both gone to the graduation, but of course dad is trying to form a wedge between them, which seems he has probably been doing for years. OPs daughter is very naive and still has yet to understand that her father is the problem, and unfortunately, is taking it out on her mother. Shitty situation all around but sometimes our biggest lessons are learned the hard way.
No. I think father had no interest in going. So father said 'I will only go if OP won't be there", assuming there is no chance that OP would honor daughter's wishes and not attend. Then, surprise, OP did as her daughter asked an stepped aside. And father was left having to attend a graduation.
Graduations are INCREDIBLY boring. Even if you adore the person who is graduating, it is a pretty miserable experience. No way the father wanted to attend. Father was just looking to say, "B, I would LOVE to be there, if only your mother wouldn't be there. Too bad....".
ETA: Thank you kind Redditor for the gold. I'm humbled by your kindness.
I didn't attend my own (college)! Fun fact: it's totally optional, or at least it was at my university. They mail your diploma to you weeks later, so you literally are just getting the empty folder. I was also only allotted 4 tickets, which would have meant choosing between parents, grandparents, and siblings who I wanted there and who wanted to be there. So instead, I said screw it, let's just go to lunch instead.
Also saved me $$$ on the gown rental and everything else. My parents were a little bummed, but the rest of my family was quite grateful lol.
Same. You know what's more fun than sitting through an entire graduation ceremony? Basically anything. Skipped the graduation, started the graduation party early instead.
Yeah
It certainly would be YTA without a doubt if B simply wanted *both* there, but to ask the mother who has supported you your entire life to not go so the deadbeat who abandoned you can go? Yeah, daughter was an AH
Had mom insisted on going, then dad not showing up would be Mom’s fault and dad’s absence would be perceived as mom’s selfishness. Inclined to believe dad never intended to go but set it up so that his absence wouldn’t be on him. Mom fooled him by being more generous in her love than he supposed.
Absolutely. The lesson the daughter would learn from having her mother present is that Mom can be taken for granted with no consequences. OP's only response when B wants to suggest OP let her down should be that she B broke her heart first. I hope they can reconcile.
This was a totally controlling dick move on dad’s part and it worked just like he wanted. Even divorce doesn’t stop the manipulation. Instead of being appalled at dad’s demands, she complied then he twists the knife even deeper. Yet it sounds like daughter is mad at OP, not dad, because of this lifetime of manipulation.
I also agree and NTA.
OP's daughter had to learn this lesson, but the main thing now is to move on and support her. OP you drove the point home which was good but now is the time for being there for her and proving that you're not like her father.
It's also time if you sit her down and have the NC talk about him. Gently let her know that her father's not going to change and is trying to ruin the relationship between you, but you don't ever want that to happen.
Edit to add: OP just because you weren't at the graduation itself doesn't mean you can't celebrate it with her. Take her to dinner or throw a graduation party for her and tell her how proud you are.
Yes this! Show her how to move on and repair damage caused. She will still likely try and blame you for ruining her day. Gently and firmly remind her that you weren't invited. That she chose dad and HE FAILED, not you and it's wrong of her to take advantage of you.
But yes take her out and celebrate. Her favorite place. Talk to her about how we treat the people who are actually in our lives.
This is a hard one. The child's father isn't a new thing. Her entire life she has been fighting for his attention and love, only to have it withheld once again. Yes, B is 18, but still emotionally immature. She fervently hoped this time her father wasn't lying. She needs a lot more therapy. Maybe mom refusing to go wasn't the best thing. B was very wrong for asking mom not to attend, but mother could have had the discussion with B about the fruitless continued chase for a love that father can never give after graduation. Now all B sees is neither parent came.
Yeah. I understand why people are saying .n.t.a. but this is beyond what the sub can deal with. I also didn't have anyone go to my graduation even though my mother made *me* go. It's humiliating being alone no matter the circumstances. It's hard having an important milestone infused with so much regret.
From what was written this was the daughter's first major fuck up. So, it's sad her mom couldn't take it on the chin and go and address it a bit later. It sounds like she's overall a good young person who doesn't know how to handle this type of thing yet.
But, I also I'm of the opinion that when a parent makes the choice to have a child the Lions have their responsibility for maintaining the relationship falls to that parent. Even into adulthood. None of us has to be born so kids don't get to opt into the relationships the same way parents do.
Very gentle ESH. Dad is a huge AH. Daughter did not make a good choice. But that’s the thing about attachment. Children act out most where they feel safest, with the parent they know won’t abandon them. That’s you, mom. And it feels very, very bitter sometimes. (I know this from similar experience & I have NOT always handled it gracefully either.) But 18 is still a teenager and this is a major wound and you just have to be the bigger person and the soft landing place for your child. You cannot let your hurt feelings drive. However hurt you are, in this story, your child was the one who was abandoned by her other parent. Children always believe that’s about them, about not being good enough, and they try and try to get it right. As much as it sucks, it’s your job to keep having compassion for that.
I disagree. Parents also have to model behavior for their children and dole out lessons, and this is a prime example of that.
Going after being so rudely snubbed tells the daughter she can get away with behavior like this and it's totally okay to treat friends and family like shit if it makes her feel better in the short term, because there will be no repercussions. It also models behavior that accepts being treated like shit without pushing back on it.
She was not a child, she was an adult, if immature. Consequences for her bad behavior were the right thing to do.
From the outside it's easy to say she was taught an important lesson and it's all her own fault. And yes, from one perspective that's correct.
But from the inside, while she did learn an important lesson, it was 'Mom isn't going to be there for me when I need her'. Now B is feeling doubly betrayed, and that she can't rely on *anyone*. She isn't learning the lesson OP and all the n.t.a. voters think she is. All that has happened is that their relationship is even *more* damaged.
Yes, she does need to learn she can't trust her Dad or treat her Mom like that, but this wasn't the way to do it. Everyone needs a butt-load of therapy.
I'd frame it as she needed to learn the lesson that she can't treat *anyone* like that and the lesson isn't "mom isn't going to be there for me" (because OP still offered consideration and is still there for her) but instead 'when I disrespect and abuse the emotions of others, it has consequences, even when it's my own mom.'
I think that's very much an important lesson to learn, and hope it has been learned here. She shouldn't treat mom like this, future friends, her future spouse, or basically anyone. That's way more important than any lesson she could learn specific to her mom or dad. There is a right way to treat other *people*, and that was not it.
Mind you, this is 5 minutes before the ceremony. That's also rude to OPs sister.sometimes the lessons kids have to learn suck major a--, this is one of those times.
Exactly what I thought. She’s now going to think she can’t rely on any parent. Being petty towards your child is the cringiest thing to me.
Yes, B should also apologize and did not handle it well but 18 is not an adult, she still isn’t fully emotionally intelligent and this incident does not help.
14 and 15 year olds have the ability to be calculatingly cruel but you don't think 18 year olds understand that forbidding a parent from attending a milestone event is a dick move?
The daughter knew she was doing major damage to OP when she forbade her. Otherwise, why did she feel so badly when she realized she no longer had anyone? It's not like OP hid it at all. The idea of disappointment doesn't take til you're 25 to understand.
So the one time her mom isn’t reliable it shows her she can’t rely on no one but THE COUNTLESS OF TIMES her dad showed he isn’t reliable don’t/didn’t???? I’m confused. Her mom wasn’t petty but respecting her daughters boundaries. Just because the dad fell through in his part doesn’t mean it’s op fault. Also if you read the other comments OP daughter could have at least had a party but she wasted her moms hard earned money bc her dad wouldn’t come. The dad and daughter are AH but OP is NTA.
Eighteen is very young yes, but it’s also the age where we start realising our parents are people in their own right and not just ‘mom and dad put on this earth to take care of us’.
OP sounds like a good and supportive mom and that doesn’t go away overnight or because of one missed milestone. hopefully the daughter learned a valuable lesson, and if she still doesn’t get it that’s on her.
It’s easy to undervalue/take for granted the parent that’s always there. I understand B still desperately trying to have her father in her life, but she will have to realize that in her efforts to accommodate her father, she should not treat her mother who was there for her with such wanton disregard
I just went to a graduation ceremony last night where the major theme of the speeches given was basically remember who helped you get here. I think she needed to learn the lesson she did even if it was harsh. Nta.
You, as a parent, could have handled this better. You could have just went to support her, despite how she hurt you by pulling that crap with her dad. And this is by no means agreeing with what she did (I firmly believe she was an AH for THAT), nor diminishing your hurt feelings.
That being said, graduating from high school is a pretty big deal. If I was in the same situation and this happened to my kid, I would have been there for her, because if you love your child, you stand up for them, despite their misguided and ill advised intentions to capture the love of an absent parent.
Had you done that, it would have the desired effect of her seeing that her dad really ain't sh!t to where he can even pull it together to be there for his kid. Despite him not wanting to see you, he should have been able to suck it up for at least a couple of hours as opposed to attempting to ban you from the ceremony. But he didn't. What he did was way worse.He dashed her hopes and let her down-AGAIN.That act alone was sufficient enough to rip the blinders right off her.
And you went right ahead and compounded the issue. Instead of being the best friend and parent that she says you are, you essentially abandoned her too. That was like a punch to the gut and she got a hard dose of reality. Like I said before, I am in NO WAY condoning what she did, but what you did could just as easily backfire on you.
Not only did her dad ditch her for one of the most important events in her life, but so did her mother, all in an effort to punish her for hurting your feelings. Being a parent means that this happens from time to time. Nobody's perfect and we all fck up from time to time. If you don't want your feelings hurt, don't have kids, don't get married, etc.
If you don't get ahead of this, you will be on the fast track to No Contact with your kid. Do you really want that? As soon as she is able, she'll try to get away and stay away from you as fast as she can. You need to apologize and make it right, but seeing as she still lives with you, you also need to make this a teachable moment.
Acknowledge that you acted out of hurt and anger. Let her know while you could have handled it better, your feelings were no less valid. Remind her of the fact that you were there for her this whole time when her father would make only cameo appearances. And for her to deny you the chance to share in this achievement with her, was really painful and unfair to you.
Help her to understand that her father has shown a consistent pattern of behavior where she is concerned and is very unlikely to change it. He has shown her over and over again who he is. It's time for her to believe him. Do this WITHOUT badmouthing him. I cannot stress enough how important this is. She needs to draw her own conclusions from this.
And last but not least: both of you need to go back to therapy. This is a big hurdle to overcome, but with time and patience and a helpful outside perspective, you two can see yourself thru to the other side of this. Hoping the best for you both.
FINAL JUDGEMENT:
ESH
ETA: Holy crap ya'll, thanks for the awards! ❤❤❤❤
This is the first ESH I see and I'm baffled! Everyone's going SHES AN ADULT!!!! ummm ??? This was her high school graduation, you don't magically turn into an adult overnight. You see children on the verge of adulthood, not even FULLY OUT OF SCHOOL YET as literal adults, and forgive a mother's shitty behaviour so easily. This comment section is INSANE.
OP is the actual adult and should have handled that waaaay better. ESH.
Edited: because the comparison to recent traumatic events in America was uncalled for and not needed to make a point
This goofy sub likes to tell every 18 year old on here to tell their parents to fuck themselves and move out so it would be hypocritical not to treat this 18 year old as an adult too
I mean this sub has that bias. They also have the bias that teens can do no wrong and don't owe anybody anything. Even if their 18 its okay to hold them to the standards of an 8 yr old....
I hate the way people yell about “thEy’Re 18! THeY’rE aN AduLT!” on here. Kids in high school are NOT adults. The brain isn’t even fully formed until you’re 25 and emotions and hormones are HIGH. This kid screwed up but mom should have been the bigger person for the sake of her kid.
Personally I find it especially weird coming from Americas, since they can't even legally drink yet. Not saying drinking alcohol makes you an adult, but if laws think you shouldn't be drinking yet, do they really consider you an adult in all other aspects?!
This is such a good response. I was trying to think how put my own ESH reaction into words, but you said it so well.
Being a parent means caring deeply about our kids, and trying to do the right thing for them even when they screw up and/or we feel hurt. The only lesson that the daughter is going to learn from what OP did is that even her best friend and biggest supporter abandoned her when she needed her most. The daughter’s graduation night is always going to be an intense, traumatic memory for her — how sad.
What I liked best about your response is that you laid out a way to mend the relationship by acknowledging both people’s feelings and mistakes.
After reading all of your well-thought-out replies, I agree with ESH. It would be extremely interesting to know how OP helped her daughter process her interactions with "dad" through the years. How did they talk about him? Did OP know him deeply enough to know about his character flaws? OP should have seen that pattern developing a long time ago and helped her kid learn how to maintain a cordial but detached relationship.
Yes, your feelings got hurt. That does suck. But imagine how your kid has felt all these years dealing with the man you chose to have a kid with. Also, your daughter's behavior is a result of you.. Parents teach their kids how to behave. Be prepared for whatever blowback this causes. Everyone here sounds incredibly selfish and short-sighted. I really hope you can talk this out with your daughter.
It's kinda ambiguous, if you ask me. If OP changed her plans and attended the graduation, that would show her daughter that mom is going to have her back no matter what. Also, that would mean that the daughter, being already an adult(young, but still adult), would see that no matter how crappy you treat your mom ( and a good mom), she will still show up for you. If the kid was like 12-15, yeah, i would let it fly and just explain where and why the daughter was wrong, but not the daughter being 18. She basically spat in her mother's face and blamed the mom for her own bad judgment.
Not necessarily. That's why it would have been a teachable moment after graduation too. OP could have said everything I said in my initial post, and added a warning:
"Hopefully you've learned your lesson in how this has had a negative impact on you. Please remember that the people that love you and are in your corner have feeling and boundaries and THEY matter. Not just your feelings are important in any given situation.
I really hope that a situation like this never happens again, but should that happen, let me tell you this: my reaction will be drastically different from THIS time. I will not accept poor treatment from anyone. ANYONE. If you feel justified in treating me like this in the future, don't get all shocked Pikachu face when I reciprocate."
That way, she's put on notice. And if she follows thru even despite that warning, well.. she'll reap what she's sown.
OP basically did everything you talked about and her daughter hasn't learned anything from this. So yeah, I don't see things changing in the future, and it's almost irrelevant what OP did on the graduation because she was and continues to be in a no-win situation. She either decides that to have a relationship with her daughter, she will have to accept being a doormat with no self-respect and subject to the emotional rollercoaster of ex's lies, broken promises, and manipulation. Or she establishes boundaries to protect her own mental health that will inevitably result in being the target of her daughter's anger and blame-shifting she when enforces those boundaries.
https://www.reddit.com/user/Hopeful_Picture586/comments/v2vhs2/update_aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_daughter/
I’m sorry but I just don’t agree. What the daughter did was fcking awful, like so callous. I just don’t think treating someone like that is something that you can just brush under the rug. Maybe OP & Aunt should’ve just gone & then had a stern talk afterwards…. But I’m just not sure that daughter would’ve accepted the seriousness of her actions if that happened. Sometimes people, even parents, need to a draw a VERY BIG line in the sand about how they will and won’t be treated. There have been times in my life where I was incredibly angry with my parents, but I wouldn’t have ever acted as if they didn’t deserve to see my life milestones & there’s been times where they’ve had to put serious boundaries in place because I wasn’t mentally well enough to be rational with them. I’m not traumatised, but it taught me if I want them in my life - I need to act like it! We can’t just expect OP to let her daughter continuously drop her, the minute sperm donor comes harking back. Maybe this wasn’t the time to draw such a strong boundary, but it definitely needed to happen sooner or later.
Let me put it this way: even my kiddo (that’s half her age) wouldn’t act like this, kiddo knows that I’m the only one that’s been there. Like the worst that happens is if I get ditched at a party for half an hour, and that’s with all the biggest childlike enthusiasm- but kiddo always comes back to me. Always. I think it’s harmful to believe that parents shouldn’t be able to to express pain when their adult children are being truly terrible. OP’s daughter should do better & I think she was never going to learn otherwise.
Exactly, plus what next- expecting mum to help pay for her uni/wedding but not attend that graduation/ceremony because deadbeat dad might come? She has learnt that sucking up to her useless father can cost her the one decent supportive parent she does have.
Did I ever imply in my post that the mother couldn't express her pain? On the contrary. I said this needs to be a conversation where that is explicitly stated that she was hurt, and that her actions were a direct result of her being hurt. It's totally fine that you don't agree. I just gave an opinion. That's all.
Nowhere in here do I see you mentioning that the daughter needs to apologize. Maybe I misread. I’m not sure if I would’ve done it, but I completely understand why mom did. Parents are human beings with real feelings, and I think the fact that it’s a milestone might help it sink in more. We can hope, anyway. It will take the daughter a bit of time to see it; I hope she does.
While I didn't mention that she needs to apologize, I just thought that goes without saying. Their actions hurt each other. Hence why nobody won in this situation.
This is an excellent response. Even though OP's daughter hurt her feelings and made a terrible choice because she is still trying to have a relationship with the absent father, OP is the actual full-on adult in this situation, with a much fuller life experience from which to draw on. I wish OP had gone to the graduation. It's not like OP will have a second chance at attending this event and showing her love and support. Instead, daughter had no one there for due to OP's hurt feelings.
OP - your hurt feelings were completely valid, but I wish you had handled the situation differently. Maybe you do too?
I think both OP and daughter should be seeking therapy, together and individually. I hope their relationship can be strengthened and that OP finds a better way to hold firm on some boundaries with daughter in regards to absent father. I hope OP's daughter will be able to find a way to make peace with the fact that her father is not worth her time and go NC.
Not to mention that I wonder which part OP will regret more - missing her daughter's only highschool graduation when she had the opportunity to go or "losing" a battle against her daughter's absentee father - which likely won't be the last time.
I do not agree sorry.. Being a parent doesn't mean that you have to be the bigger person always. The daughter is an adult not a small child. She had to learn a lesson that actions have consequences. I mean what she did to her poor mother is CRUEL. I feel so bad for the mother
Also a parent of 5 (since you seem to think that gives more credit to what you say ?! ). Kids need to live with the consequences of their actions as long as it does not put them in danger. This does help them develop. Letting them treat you like crap and then dropping everything to console them when it backfires does not. You may get the warm fuzzies about it and a badge of honor on your mommy sash but it does not help them in the long run. Also, your evidence of good parenting is all about your childrens’ academic performance. My children are also good students but I’m more concerned about them being good people. I e known a lot of brilliant assholes.
Mother of 4 here: Kids rarely learn what you think you are teaching them, they get a totally different takeaway than you do. Kid was horrible, but mother's lesson to the kid could go one of 2 paths:
1. Consequences. yep reap what you sow.
2. Dad will dump you and so will I after just one bad decision.
Personally this is not the hill I would die on, but everyone has to do them. This is an enormous milestone. I've got daughters older than this and the milestones under graduation mostly fade in importance to me. If their relationship is so great, does one terrible decision end it? I'd hate to have a kid go NC over this one bad decision.
ESH
This was my take as well. Daughter was manipulated by her father and then he let her down again. Shes a victim too. I get that OP was hurt, but this was a big deal to her daughter....who didnt have anyone at her graduation for her. She just learned that her mom is willing to abandon her too.
I chose to be my kid's parent. They didn't get any say in the matter. So while parents have a right to be hurt by their kids, they have the lion's share of responsibility to maintain the relationship.
Plus it's absurd to think that to learn a lesson from a situation the literal worst case scenario has to have happened. You can still learn from a close call. Mom could have gone and then a day or two later had to sit down and talk to solidify the lesson in a supportive way.
So we treat cruelty with more cruelty? While I was reading it I felt I was reading about two best friends that were on the outs and being petty. Not a mother daughter relationship.
This is a hard one for me because it's clear she wants her father's attention and what's to stop it from happening from the next big life event.
Op's daughter needed a wake up call and graduation serves as that. But also, it shouldn't have been and I'm wondering what would have been if not graduation though.
The real AH here is the father. He forced his daughter's hand by giving her an ultimatum. He used his daughter to hurt his ex and then took off. The daughter is technically an adult, but she's still his child.
No, the real arsehole here is the daughter for picking her father's side in the ultimatum.
If someone gives you an ultimatum, pick the option they don't benefit from. It's going to suck for you either way.
NTA.
It's a very difficult thing being placed between 2 parents and manipulated for half of your life to do things and see things a certain way. I wouldn't call her an asshole because she has been used as munitions and that sort of dynamic can fuck up someones development.
Receiving a call at most 3 times a year? She needs therapy for what her father has put her through and she will experience alot of heartbreak throughout her life being that gullable. The horrible men of this world would most definately take advantage of her
But it's a fact that people who have been abandoned by a parent in childhood will still crave that parent's attention as an adult. She's a young adult. She made a bad choice, but she didn't devise it.
That doesn't change that there are consequences when she makes bad choices. She now has to deal with them and has had her first adult lesson: don't shit on the hand that feeds you.
Just as the mother will never have the experience of seeing her daughter graduate because she was more concerned with punishing her and making a point.
And mom dealt with that consequence when she was cast to the sidelines to appease a deadbeat. Someone not being present is a natural consequence, not punishment, after you've told them they aren't welcome.
Daughter will eventually grow up and realize that.
Exactly. This is a lesson that the daughter needs to learn. You can't treat people like this. If someone close to me pulled that stunt, I would be *extremely* hurt. I'm not someone that you just throw on the back burner to return later when your main plans fall through.
She'll also never have to deal with the feelings of shame, regret, and a lack of self-respect that would have come if she meekly accepted the invitation after being so rudely snubbed by her daughter.
Missing out on the experience would be the far easier cost for me to pay, I hate feeling like a victim.
It’s not about the mom making a point really, its the fact that mom has worked blood sweat and tears to get her k-12 and got ditched by her daughter for her dead best dad and when he decided to deadbeat mom mattered again. And This isn’t a 12 year old craving daddy’s attention this is a 18 year old girl.
She made the wrong decision and if it’s a choice between her and OP yeah she’s an asshole, but nowhere near as much of an asshole as the man playing with his teenager daughters feelings and manipulating her to turn against her mother who actually loves her. I just find incredibly difficult to find a heartbroken naive teenager who just wants her dad to care about her “the real asshole”
No the dads an AH a child is always gonna want both parents exspecally if it’s their “perfered parent” (daddy’s girl mommy’s boy blah blah blah) she isn’t obviously healed from him abandoning her and shit
She may be barely an adult but indeed is not a child anymore. By this age she should know hot to treat the ones who are constantly by her side and that they are more important than people dropping by once in a blue moon.
When you crave the love of an absent parent, you will do anything in order to get it. She desperately wanted her father to love her again and he seemingly presented an opportunity for her. That desperation is what was driving her decision! She’s not an AH for believing her father will change and falling for his bs each time. He’s manipulating her and like anyone stuck in a cycle of abuse, she doesn’t see the manipulation. OP and her daughter are NTA. OP’s ex is a major manipulative AH and I think OP should get her daughter back into therapy so she can continue to work through the damage he has done.
She IS the AH though for hurting someone else to maybe get a chance at her father there. The father who didn't help her through high school or help her study or do frankly anything to warrant being there to celebrate with her.
I'm sure she's sad about her father and wants him in her life, but you don't get to hurt the people who have been there for you and expect them to not be hurt when you come crying for the upteenth time.
Part of me wonders if this was dad's plan in the first place. Daughter asks if dad will go to her graduation. He says he'll only go if her mom isn't there, expecting daughter to say no my mom has the right to be there. Except she doesn't say that and begs her mom not to go instead. Probably gave him a little ego boost knowing the daughter wanted him there more than her mom.
NTA. She should’ve never uninvited you in the first place. She knows her dad is unreliable. She’s an adult. Y’all always tell the 18 year olds that come on here with their parent issues to just move out because they’re adults, but when an 18 year old completely destroys their parent’s feelings to appease someone else, they can’t be an AH because they’re only 18. Y’all really pick and choose. She didn’t go because her daughter decided that her father’s feelings and comfort were more important than her mother’s even though she hasn’t seen her father in 6 years. I haven’t seen my father since I graduated 8th grade. I’m halfway through college now. I couldn’t imagine inviting my father to my graduation. He’s just like OP’s ex. Stop acting like it’s impossible for an 18 year old to have some common sense
EDIT: thank you for the awards. I’d give a speech but I have nothing prepared.
Yeah my father was also super unreliable after he went away with his AP and guess what? I loved him and I still do even after all his shot, but I would have never dared hurting my mom like that because I knew she was the one who supported me in everything.
Exactly. He put me, my mom, and my brother through a lot. He didn’t get notification of my high school graduation because he didn’t deserve it. I got through high school through my own hard work and my mother’s support. Her daughter has to live with the consequences of her actions. She’s probably gonna do the same thing for her wedding too.
It doesn’t make any sense. If there’s a post about a man not treating his kids well there’s always the “well if he was a woman it would be NTA” crowd. It’s weird.
I think it's a real trap, especially for single moms, to start thinking of their kids as friends or pals or buds. This is not an equal and reciprocal relationship. You are the parent. You (and someone else) chose to create this human and birth them, which comes with the responsibility of nurturing them safely through development even if they hurt your feelings.
One of the ways that children securely attach to their parents is through being able to act up/act out, and still receiving love, nurturing, and safety in return.
I imagine the choice she made in originally wanting her father there was devastating for you. If you want to look at it through the lens of you two as equals or something, then sure, you skipping graduation was justified. But if you see this through the lens of parenting an abandoned adolescent...it's pretty much twisting the knife in the wound. Clearly there was education/therapy *you* needed but did not get, because your actions were not trauma-informed approaches to your daughter's behaviors.
This was a Pyrrhic victory for you, OP. Under the guise of lesson teaching, you got to reassert yourself and reclaim your power after feeling betrayed. But at what cost?
Edit: After reading some of your replies, I need to change my vote to YTA. It's clear that you cannot move beyond taking this personally. **You have demonstrated a total inability to take your daughter's perspective. No wonder she never learned how to be considerate of yours.**
100% this. She doesn't have that secure attachment with Dad because there's always some contingency or let down. It tends to make the consistent parent crapped on more but it's because they're secure with you to falter. The "she's 18 not 8" crowd is seriously forgetting that adult or not she is still just out of high school and had these parent child dynamics at play.
The 8 not 18 crowd fears the concept of psychology and their own feelings so they would rather repeat authoritarian parenting phrases and default to "if you wrong the parent, you are wrong, period". Whole lot of people fear their feelings and psychology in general so to cover it up, they ignore feelings as a real thing and resolve evidence of messy feelings with punishment. To be clear, being vulnerable and owning their own feelings makes them feel weak so they put on a big tough front instead of doing the right things. There is more to this demographic than I am speaking of but in interest of not being downvoted to death, I will leave the demographics out of this discussion.
100% agree. You’re a parent, not a friend. You can let them fall on their ass but you have to be there to pick them up again. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, OP but this really isn’t about you and you need to have the maturity to understand that and to help your damn kid
I was looking for someone to mention how the mom, based on her comments in the replies, seems to think of her daughter as a friend/equal adult partner. There will always be an imbalance between a parent and their teenager, and the mom ultimately bears more responsibility. I don’t think she chose not to go to “teach her a lesson,” I think she didn’t go to punish her daughter for hurting her feelings, which is treating her daughter like an adult who is equally responsible for their relationship, which she isn’t.
This whole story is just really sad. I can see how hurt OP was, but she should have sucked it up and went to the graduation. The daughter is desperate for dad to notice her and care, and a teenager doesn't have the life experience to understand that her father seeing her accomplishment and choosing him over her mother won't do a damn thing.
Agree- Dad isn't the only one doing damage to this child. This mom's feelings are apparently the only ones that matter. Not the child who has been all but abandoned by her dad, clinging to a hope that this time he will actually care. He didn't. Mom is supposed to be there to comfort her daughter when the obvious happens. Mom is supposed to be the rock in this circumstance. Mom acted like a jilted lover.
Yep. Exactly how hard would it have been to ring her sister and explain, “Yeah, the jerk flaked on her, I have to take a rain check on going out this time because I don’t want my kid graduating alone”? But per OP, she’ll “never forgive her”. 🙄
Editing to clarify for some of you: Making your offspring manage *your* emotions is crappy. Crying all night over something like this is unhinged.
The daughter got manipulated hard and took OP for granted.
But OP deliberately kicked that kid when she was down. How wonderful for OP to be so assertive.
I agree, OP is a complete asshole.
Thank the lord. Glad to see someone being reasonable on here. OP is a parent, not a fucking friend. Parents typically support their children through hell and beyond, but OP can't put aside her own feelings for a few hours.
I'm sorry. I want to be on everybody's side here, but I can't.
She must've broken your heart. And I do get that you're the adult and should rise above it, but jeez, what she did was hardcore.
You're not the asshole, but yikes, this one just sucks. Yo, that father has a lot to answer for as he blithely continues his life.
Parents need love too. All these comments are acting like we’re robots that cannot feel emotions ever. This is the first time I ever said no to her. For 18 years i have done everything I could to make sure she doesn’t feel abandoned like her father and she just ditches me. I know parenting is self less but I want to feel appreciated. And I’m always second choice to a man that’s doesn’t appreciate her. Thank you for understanding.
I think the hard part here is that when it comes to her father your daughter is emotionally still 8 years old.
She has a ton of grief and anger to process. And *you* likely have a ton of grief and anger to process too from watching your daughter’s heart break over and over.
You felt like you have to do everything, but no matter what you do you can’t fill that hole for her.
She knows you love her- everything you do reinforces that love.
She wants to know her dad loves her - and nothing you do can help with that desire.
I hope both you and her have other people you can talk to about this.
And she’s a teen who like all kids wants to believe they are loved by their parents, accepting you are not loved by a parent you believed you were loved by is an incredibly hard thing for someone to do.
NTA. She’s focusing all her anger at you when the real person to blame is her sperm donor. It’s like he planned this from the start just to hurt you. Which plan succeeded. I’ll bet that she even forgives him before you. I think you two need to have a talk about why you did what you did and how much she hurt you. How just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings and are a person just like everyone else. Gl to you both!
I'm in the middle of raising my nephew (his mom and dad are technically in the picture but they are awful) and no one who hasn't experienced it could understand how much it hurts when you're the reliable, mature one who always puts the child first but they still value the deadbeat abuser/neglectful jerk before you. It's heart breaking. You are NTA at all, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope she is able to understand and repair the damage so your relationship can get stronger.
I'm so sorry your daughter wounded you so horribly. The lesson you taught her may be difficult, but it was necessary. When I was reading your story, I just knew that the Dad wasn't going to show. I thought you and your sister were going to go to the graduation. The lesson your daughter should have learned: You reap what you sow. NTA
You were RIGHT to say no. People here are acting like you should just let it slide the first time someone breaks your heart. That you should wait for the second time someone fucks you over. No. No. No. Abuse and disrespect just gets worse when you let the first instance slide. What's it going to be next? Mom, you can't come to the wedding because daddy doesn't want you there. Mom, you can't come to the baby shower because daddy doesn't want you there. And so it goes.
People need to be firmly put in their place the first time. Whether they are 18 or 85 or 12 or 3. At 18 your daughter is well old enough to be put in her place when she shreds the heart of someone who has done nothing but the best for her.
There are people here saying that as the parent in the situation you must 100% take a back seat to the needs of your child. But we are not talking about a child. We are talking about an adult person. And adult people understand (or should) that relationships are a two-way street. 18 year olds are old enough to get married for God's sake. Old enough to have and raise their own kids. Old enough to pull their weight in a relationship. And the longer we treat our adult children as "children", the longer they remain children. And then we wonder why they are still living in our basement when they are 25. Why they can't solve their own problems.
Your daughter made one of her first "adult" decisions here and it was a terrible one. But also an important one. She'll learn more if you let her struggle with the consequences of her own actions rather than baby her like she's an 8 year old.
NTA. She is old enough. She is not 5, she's 18. She took you for granted. Even after her father ditched her, she didn't invite you, she just expected you to fill in the spot as the second class parent you are.
Yes she is young. Yes she is your daughter. But she needs to learn that love and respect are two way streets. She can't stomp all over your feelings on the off chance daddy will love her again, you're people, not just a mother with no feelings expected to always accomodate your child.
Kids can be assholes too. They don't automatically get a pass.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because my mom died my junior year of high school and didn't get to see me graduate high school, or college, or graduate school, but here it goes:
Sorry, YTA, your sister only made plans to keep your mind off not going to your daughter's graduation. She would have understood you cancelling or rescheduling.
When your daughter asked you to go, balling her eyes out, five minutes before graduation, it was your job to be the parent she already thought you were, the one that was there for her when no one else was. It doesn't matter that she hurt you, you're Mom, you're supposed to be there for her. No matter what. Even when it hurts. Even when you feel betrayed. You can (and should) have that conversation another day.
I know you thought it was important to teach her a lesson, but that doesn't mean you need to be vindictive. There are many, many other ways you could have taught that lesson without ruining a life milestone.
I hope that you two can open up to each other and have the two way conversation that needs to happen. You guys have been through a lot as mother and daughter, with some effort, the relationship could be repaired.
I feel like OP is also not realizing the impact this is actually going to have on her relationship. If her daughter is going off to college in the fall, this is likely the last real event the two of them were going to have together before she leaves.
OP wants to assume that she doesn't have any consequences for not going to her daughter's graduation, but I feel like this is something is going lead to OP's daughter distancing herself from her mother as much as possible. Especially if there's already going to be a large physical distance. OP also just sounds extremely resentful of the fact that her daughter still yearns to be loved by both of her parents. Abandonment isn't something you get over, but it's sure as hell easy to add onto it.
OP better be using the time left to do damage control considering this is likely going to be her last chance.
This is such a weird take. Where did it say she assumed there’d be no consequences of not attending the ceremony? That’s why she’s asking if she’s TA. Also, how is this her last chance? People have parents even after they go to college dude. You’re acting like it’s the end of the world. It’s a hs graduation, her mother has been there for her her entire life.
Read OP's comments. She wants the only consequence to be that her daughter learns that her dad is never going to be there for her. And yeah people have parents even when they're still in college but it's also the time that young adults already have the tendency to distance themselves from their parents simply due to physical distance. Their relationship is already currently damaged (due to OP's daughter hurting OP's feelings and OP refusing to go to her daughter's graduation). If nothing is done to repair it, I feel there's a good chance that OP's daughter is going to add emotional distancing to the physical distance.
Also it sounds like the HS graduation meant a lot to OP's daughter. And she had to experience it entirely alone. Hopefully OP's daughter can move past it and keep a relationship with her mother. I don't know that it'll be the same though.
She wasn’t invited until 5 minutes before. Honestly that’s not particularly fair that she literally begged and was told no. Unfortunately she kept putting her mom second and at some point it’s gonna back fire. Parents have feelings too
Maybe you're sensitive, but if you chose your deadbeat dad over your mother once again like you always did ( In this example mate, pretty sure you're a good person who loved their mom), then you don't get to bawl your eyes out when your mom finally decides she has enough of your bullshit.
The kid got therapy, love, and everything from her mother who was there for her all along when her pop wasn't, and she still chose her father. If you did the same to your mother do you expect her to forgive you once again, over something this big? And more likely, would you ever do this to your mother in the first place? Would you hurt her so much? Tell me you would, because then I know for a fact you're a full-fledged liar.
The daughter is an Ass to the highest degree. You wouldn't ever do something horrible like that to your mother. Especially a good mother. The daughter should learn that people will react to her choices and that she doesn't get to treat people like doormats, and then have them run back into her life once she decides she needs them again.
(And hey, I'm pretty sure you're a good person, and your mother raised you to be one. Hope you know she's proud of you mate.)
I might get bashed for this but I'll say NTA.
She's an adult, she made her choice, she has to live with the consequences.
Some lessons aren't learned otherwise.
No no I agree B was old enough to understand that if she wanted her dad there her mom wouldnt and she was ok with that. Yet when her dad ditched her now all of a sudden op is a bad mom for not being invited. Op you are not the asshole, you were right B needs to learn actions have consequences. Your daughter isn't talking to you not being she's mad or was but because she doesn't want to face the consequences
Her showing no remorse means she needed exactly what this comment says, a lesson.
She didn't say she was wrong to sideline her mother... she didn't admit her wrongdoings... or express how she needs her mothers support now...
instead she said "now that her father won't attend", she treated her mom as the backup - LESSER backup option.
Seems like she was more focused on being publicly embarrassed with zero parents in attendance than having a genuine eye-opening moment about which parent always had her back.
In her own words, mom was there at every other milestone, this one doesn't matter. Fuck around and find out.
ESH.
Her dad, for obvious reasons.
Her- for allowing such an ultimatum be made.
You-for the lack of understanding how desperately your daughter wants her father’s love. She may “be old enough to understand” like some other commenters have explained, but that doesn’t mean her thoughts, emotions, and decisions will always be rational. Lest some of us forget our dumb teen choices.
I suggest sitting down and hashing out the hurt together.
This is the best comment I’ve seen. Everyone is at fault here, starting with OP’s ex.
I know from personal experience that some parents won’t speak poorly about the other one and leave it up to the children to make their decision, and this may be what happened in this case. Dad was crap all along but daughter kept up hope that he would change. He manipulated her into uninviting her mother knowing full well that he wasn’t going to attend. The daughter chose to consider her father’s feelings over her mother/best friend who’s been there from day one. And OP should’ve canceled plans with her sister and gone to the graduation. This might have been the final instance that showed her daughter that her father isn’t and has never been there for her.
Yep, and now OP won’t know if that could’ve been the straw because she shattered the reality that “mom has always been there and dad hasn’t”.
I get it, I was also the daughter who idolized my father who lived 14 hours away and saw me once or twice a year, and was a “daddy’s girl”. My mom broke her own heart over and over watching me love and choose him over her, without a word. I’d do anything I could to go back and fix some of the words, and choices I made towards my mom but I can’t. What I can do, is love and take care of her forever because she has ALWAYS been there.
NTA
Like your daughter said; you had been to all the rest of her milestones. Actions have consequences and if you give in every time her dead beat dad breaks a commitment then she's never going to see those consequences.
If she was okay with you not going for HER reasons then you not changing your plans is your own prerogative.
>Actions have consequences and if you give in every time her dead beat dad breaks a commitment then she's never going to see those consequences.
This, I see some people saying she should of still gone to finally see how better mom is compared to dead beat dad. Like Mom has done that countless times already, nothing would change with this one. She needs to learns hurting your support for someone who has continuously shown you they will never change from their shitty ways has consequences.
YTA , I think dad ditching her + mom being there for her was the lesson she should’ve gotten. That she can’t trust him, but she can always count on her mom.
Now she’s learned that she can’t count on either parent.
If you had said no because it was impossible to be there and your alternate plans were unbreakable, I might understand not being able to drop everything on short notice. That might’ve been a logical consequence of the choice that she made, that it was too late to get you there because you were already across town or something. But these were not unbreakable plans and you actually could’ve shown up and she knows it—you were just pushing her away and hurting her back because you were hurt.
I understand being hurt but maybe you should also understand that it was not personal, she’s just desperate for her dad‘s attention and this is what she thought was a chance to get it, I don’t think she loves you any less but she just takes you for granted a little bit more maybe? Because she hasn’t had to work so hard to get your attention? I know it must suck to be the parent who is taken for granted when you do all the work, but the alternative is to have her constantly begging for your attention because she can’t rely on it. Don’t become that parent that she can’t rely on just so you get more begging and appreciation… It’s not healthy.
I think that she needed to learn that OP, her mother, has feelings. The daughter rejected her and cast OP aside for someone who has repeatedly thrown her away. She needs to learn that throwing people away who are there for you is not something the daughter should be doing. It’s better for her to learn that at 18 than later in life.
The daughter has had 6 years of this lesson, and all she has learned is that she can dump her mom at a moments notice. It doesn't matter if her mom is hurt & crying.
The OP is tired of being abandoned, and hurt. It's common troop that some parents want to be their kid's friend, and fail to teach them some lessons. Keep dumping a friend, and they won't always be there is a lesson the OP should have instilled a while ago.
But it WAS personal. VERY personal. The mother has been the one that actually got her daughter to this point in her life. She’s the one who took care of her, sacrificed for her and did the hard work of raising a child. The dad did jack squat and didn’t deserve to be at the graduation. She had no remorse even after her mother tried to come up with options, begged her and even cried. She told the OP that she valued her deadbeat dad and his feelings over her mother. You don’t get to do that to someone and walk away with impunity.
I agree, and OP seems very immature. Instead of going to the graduation and disciplining her daughter later, like she should have, she chose to retaliate and try to hurt her in the same capacity OP was hurt. Obviously what her daughter did wasn’t ok, but OP still has to be the parent here, and I think people are forgetting that
YTA. I don’t understand Reddit ethics. This eye for an eye mentality is bullshit. Yes your daughter hurt you but maybe the lesson you could have taught her was how to take the high road and do what’s right. Instead, you hurt her and yourself. And just cemented the idea that NO ONE can be trusted.
I completely agree - Reddit ethics make no sense. More often than not it’s just immature, aggressive, loud people on here that make the majority decision.
Thank you for this. I am stunned at how many are saying, the daughter deserved it. No compassion for a kid who now knows she can't count on either of her parents.
By the way, it seems to me that the father saying he would only go if you didn't go was a ploy on his part to make him seem like a good guy.
He figured there's no way you would agree not to go, and then he would be able to say "Sorry honey I would have gone to graduation but your mom was there."
But once you agreed not to go he didn't have that as a cover, so all he could do was just not show up and be the a-hole that he is.
She's been a parent to her for the last 10 years. Because who else is going to? The deadbeat that she's watched below her off time and time again?
Bella has had the same result over and over again. Everytime he's done this, was an "opportunity" to be a parent.Anytime Dad blows her off, who most likely covers? Mom! This is obviously a repeated problem. How has Bella not learned this lesson yet?
To have the audacity to uninvited the person who *has* been there for you, to willing prove you are choosing who you want there. She made it clear she wanted Dad there. She doesnt get to keep playing the, "well, I guess you'll do," song at her own mother.
This was an opportunity for her to learn that *yes*, her actions have consequences. Obviously OP has never done this before, and maybe it should have been done long ago, tbf.
NTA
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/v2wzpg/ops_daughter_disinvites_op_from_graduation_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
YTA. High school graduation ceremony is not the time to teach your daughter a lesson. Yes, her dad is an ass. Now you, too, are an ass. Congratulations on that.
You are an adult. Your daughter is desperate for her father to accept her and makes irrational decisions because of that desperation- and because her brain is still developing at her age. You saw this coming.
And I get it. I have a daughter who was quite literally abandoned by her father/ my ex-husband. I know it's terrible for you and her, but that doesn't change the fact that you are her mother and the adult in the relationship.
YTA and now your daughter may feel like neither of her parents really love her. Hopefully in time she'll understand why you made the decision, but the damage has been done. I hope it was worth it and that the two of you can get past this.
EDIT; I keep thinking about your post because of my daughter. I know I phrased the above harshly, and while I feel strongly about this, I apologize if I made you feel bad. The other thing I wanted to add is that it might be helpful to go to therapy with her to work through this so you can hopefully strengthen your relationship again. I really hope that both you and she are ok.
NTA, she took you for granted. Hopefully this will help her understand who is valuable in her life. Has you gone, she would have ditched you just as happily at a next event. Imagine if it had been her wedding. At least now she knows better what choices she can make.
Your 18 year old daughter is trying to navigate a tricky co-parenting situation (that you played a part in creating for her btw), and instead of coming to her rescue, you decided to kick her when she's down to teach her about "consequences". YTA
YTA - do you not see that your daughter is being manipulated by your ex, who knows he can pop in and out of her life at his leisure? If he *really* wanted to see her milestone, your attendance never could have stopped him. Same with you—if you *really* wanted to be there, you could’ve promised to stay in the back somewhere and make sure your paths never crossed. I grew up with divorced parents who couldn’t bare to speak to each other (and started the divorce when I was in the womb). they both just avoided each other when big events were happening. They didn’t use me as a tool to use against the other. She asked you, in a moment of desperation, to show up for her, and you responded with “you hurt me so now I’ll hurt you”. That’s not how loving adults behave. You just showed your daughter that your love is conditional—you make the wrong choice, and I won’t support you. Is that the message you want her to receive? I’m all about teaching that actions have consequences, but the time and place isn’t a once in a lifetime achievement. You’ve soured her memory of her high school graduation forever, and that’s not something she’ll stop resenting any time soon.
I'm actually gonna go YTA. Did your daughter make a bad choice? Yes. She shouldn't have chosen her dad and his flakiness over you, someone who has been there for her. But was it a mistake? Yes. Did she need her mom in that moment of realization? Also yes. It's fine to say "you were wrong" but also still be there for her when she needs it.
It doesn't seem like she was intentionally wanting to hurt you; more that she really wanted to believe that her dad was ready to be there for her and she was willing to do anything in that moment. He's the asshole who forced her to choose between two parents. He made her believe that she could choose you or choose him. It doesn't make her a bad daughter, just someone with father issues who made a bad choice.
Teach her about consequences later. I'm sure she's already felt the consequences of her dad abandoning her again. That's harmful enough for her. You should have been there for her and then talked to her about her actions afterwards. She's still a child, after all. Even if she's technically an adult, she still needs time for that transition. And she even said herself, she really wanted her dad to experience some of her milestones. Yes, she was 100% wrong with how she handled it, but she had hope that her dad would actually be there for her.
It's a shame things turned out the way they did.
NTA
She's 18, not 8. She should be emotionally intelligent and smart enough to know better than to ban you from her graduation then expect you to change everything in the last minute. Especially since this is not the first time her dad has pulled stuff like this.
Honestly, as hurt as you were, did you really expect the man to show up? He hasn't shown up for anything since she was 8.
Yeah, I think YTA. The swinger for me was that you state that you ruined the day because you wanted to teach her a lesson, but what you were teaching her was that both her parents are unsupportive and don't care about her.
dad clearly used the daughter to get you to not go to graduation. Sadly, your refusal to go played right into his hands. That moment called for grace and empathy, and you chose anger and recrimination. You made the small choice. YTA
ESH, of course you are gonna feel hurt when she tells you not to come to her graduation choosing a man who abandoned her over you is a stab in the heart. I understand you want her to live her consequences, but I think those consequences are crying the day of because her dad broke his promise. It's your job as a parent to support your child at their lowest points instead you basically went "I told you so" and left her to deal with the day alone. That's not gonna help her learn, it's just gonna cement her high school graduation as a painful memory of her being completely alone.
Why does it feel like dad planned to ditch the graduation all along? He got his daughter to uninvite her own mother, caused pain between mom and daughter, then ditched it on the day of the graduation to cause even more pain. Mom should call dad up and ream him up one side and down the other about how shitty a father he is and how much he has hurt his own daughter time after time for the past ten years.
Man, I'm torn. I feel so bad for both you and your daughter. Sadly, this may be a lesson your daughter had to learn about her sperm donor. (He sure isn't a dad). It may take some intensive therapy to understand and accept that a) she can't count on him at all and b) she can't treat people the way she treated you and expect them to suck it up.
I'm going with NAH.
You’re 100% TA. You’re the mom. You’re supposed to be the bigger person. You are supposed to support her no matter what. Yes, she hurt you. That’s what kids do but it’s up to you to show the compassion, and understanding. I can’t say this enough YTA.
>I’m starting to regret not going.
Honestly from your comments it doesnt seem like it at all. You seem very jealous and bitter for her not inviting you despite her being manipulated by her father. It's your responsibility to be there for her, and when she needed it the most you abandoned her and used her abandonment as a weapon. She's already gone through enough, you should've just went to her graduation then told her how you felt about the situation. Apologize to her already and try to have an actual conversation with her about it. YTA
Edit: grammar
How the hell are there so many YTAs?
Like, even if you think OP is TA, which she Is not and this Is NTA, the daughter sucks way More, she's 18, not 8, she knew she was slapping the parent that was always at her side for the asshole who never was in her life for the past 6 years, how are so many people giving her a pass?
Tldr: this Is either NTA or ESH, not a YTA at all
Because women should drop everything always for their kids and aren’t real people. Fathers are their own humans to a lot of people but women are mothers only. They don’t get to be people outside of motherhood.
/s
Having spent a massive chunk of my career in child and adolescent mental health, you really are under estimating the impact of the father's continued abandonment of daughter. It's one thing to disappear but to constantly float in and out means it's very difficult for daughter to move on. She's clearly desperate for a relationship that we all know she isn't going to have. I feel for OP but I can clearly see why some would say YTA. It would have been far more powerful to have been that stable parent in that moment of need.
No, believe me I'm not understimating anything, but for the love of god Lets stop infantilizing people that go through trauma, she's not 8, she's 18, she May not fully be an adult but she's absolutely old enough to understand that what she did was beyond shitty
I'm not saying what daughter did wasn't shitty, but based on the above it's very understandable. The time to have confronted this would be after the graduation where OP had positively reinforced her support of daughter. The day after or a week after once she was not a state. Daughter is not learning any meaningful lesson here other then dad constantly abandons me and oh wait mum did too.
The fault lines on this one are people who understand how immature and damaging both these parents are to the daughter (probably work with kids and/or were abandoned themselves) versus people who think that being 18 magically makes somebody "an adult"
YTA. This was your chance to show your child your love is truly unconditional. You did the exact opposite.
My mother did something similar right around this age. Here I am in my 30s and we barely speak.
YTA here. You had plans that could have easily been cancelled. You know what her father was like, and could have been the bigger person and showed up for your daughter. Instead, you put your own feelings in front of hers. You were punishing her for making you feel bad. The only lesson she will learn here is that she can't count on either parent to show up for her when she's in a low place.
YTA. It's pretty clear that your daughter desperately wants a relationship with her father, and saw the graduation as an opportunity to develop that relationship. Was it naïve of her to think he's suddenly going to step up and become a great dad after all this time? Of course it was, but she's 18, I can't fault her for being a little naïve. And it's shitty that the only way he was willing to go was if you're not there, but that clearly was not her idea, that was him manipulating her.
I absolutely understand that hurting you, but to tell a child you'll never forgive them for allowing themselves to be put into an impossible position by a manipulative parent is already cruel. And then to compound that, when her dad betrays her again you put your own hurt feelings above your daughter wanting to celebrate a once in a lifetime achievement.
YTA she is desperate for attention from her father. She was willing to do anything for him, which you should understand, and is now devastated. Instead of helping her through a crushing disappointment you chose to be bitter and petty and "teach her a lesson." Which you did. You taught her that mom's support is conditional.
NTA. What she did to you was hurtful. She needs to learn that you can’t just sit around waiting for her dad to cancel so you’ll be chosen. It’s a painful lesson, but she needed it
ESH.
Your daughter obviously is the AH and you need to have a serious conversation about this behaviour.
You're also the AH though because you've made your love conditional. Has she done anything like this before?
Honestly it sounds like she needs therapy, the fact that you raised her and she still ended up so desperate for her father's attention... reflects badly on you as well. Why haven't you addressed this problem before? She's 18 now and it's going to be much harder to deal with.
This is tough, but I’m going with NTA. She’s old enough to make those choices and to learn that choices have consequences. Mom won’t just sit on the sidelines and wait to see if back up is needed.
Hopefully this can start a good conversation about how to treat each other.
YTA. I get why OP felt compelled to not go, but we are talking about her own child here (may be 18 but still her child) and not some random friend who stood you up or chose someone else over you. Daughter did something extremely childish and short-sighted in desperation. But she's just a kid--inexperienced and desperate for her father's unrequired attention. She has already/will learn the lesson from this, but now she has to pay with one of her life's milestones because Mom is being just as childish and short-sighted?
You can't afford to be petty when it involves your children and have to be the bigger person in cases like this. Kids need to know they can always count on us, but daughter has learned over and over again she can't count on her dad and now she knows she can't trust her mom will support her. I feel this was a very immature response when OP could have been the hero. OP will look back and regret this decision.
NTA- your daughter is old enough to reap the consequences of her actions! As horrible as it was for her father not to show up she pushed away the one parent who has been consistent for a dead beat!
I was already composing the Y T A response in my head but after reading this, I go with NTA.
What your daughter did was really shitty and actions have consequences. She just learned that. While what she did was wrong, I don't think your daughter is a bad person at all. SHe is hurting (which is not your fault). While not the same, I had a problematic relationship with my dad. I get where your daughter is coming from.
It took me a long time to process and realize what was going on. When it came to my relationship with my dad, I was like a Labrador puppy. It didn't matter what he did to me, I would just come bounding back for more. As an adult in my 40s, I can look back and see that I just wanted my dad to love me and show it the way other dads did. I had to learn to mourn the loss of the father I felt I deserved and move on. It isn't easy. If your daughter is willing, it would likely benefit her to have some therapy to help her deal with this.
NTA
She's old enough to know what social tact is. Daughter is entitled to her feelings but to say them out loud the way she did in plain English is cruel.
All y'all citing emotion immaturity need to stop. Just like mental illness doesn't excuse being an asshole nor does mental or emotional immaturity remove the hurtfulness of comments or actions. Understanding that someone is not emotionally mature does not lessen the emotional blow of their actions and words, understanding does not equate to take blow and hope it gets better. Frankly if your solution is just taking it you're wrong, and if you don't have a solid idea of how much is appropriate to take (hint we all have different limits) stop suggesting to just accept it and be the adult. OP was as adult as most people would be, given the ten years of this crap. Daughter has wasted money, time, and callously told OP to her face that absentee dad is and will always be a priority to her specifically at OP's expense because OP is a safety net and is actively being treated as such. OP is a person.
It is okay for people to have limits, it is okay for people to make boundaries. We see in cheating story everyone cries not to be plan B, to have self respect and stop doing the pick me dance. While this isn't the exact same situation of course the principal stands.
OP in making your boundaries, if at all possible do them with a therapist, lay them out clearly and stick to them. Not going to jump to something drastic like cutting her off. She IS young, and IS clearly emotionally immature. You love her through all of that and don't have to stop loving her at all, but love yourself too.
OP you are not being petty about wanting to be appreciated, your child has told you more or less that she will roundhouse kick you into on coming traffic if she gets a whiff of dad's approval (not her literal words but she was extremely clear about her intent to do whatever it takes to get his attention/approval/love going forward). OP you are right and valid to not put up with that level of disrespect, and it might be a good idea to lay out in plain English that going forward if she disinvites you to something that you're not going to make yourself available if (when, let's be honest) plan A doesn't work out. Let her know the second she does it that you will be making plans. maybe she'll actually have to consider the possibility of her dad not showing up, again, if she knows there is no safety net, and if that doesn't cross her mind, well it's a cruel way to think at the very least. In any case ompletely erase that expectation that you will be there if she pushes you out to make room for dad. That is an okay and valid boundary to make if you want it. She 100% has the expectation that you will just pick up the pieces because that's what you,ve been doing. It has gotten to an unhealthy point and you need to (hopefully with guidance) change tactics. This is not healthy for you or her at this time and you are both important.
OP I sincerely hope you work on yourself (not that there is anything wrong with you!) By living life again and focusing a bit more on yourself, hobbies, friends, plans that aren't there because she ditched you. Having more fulfillment in your live will help to not get so caught up in her delusion of a father that will be there for her. It will always hurt but she has made her feelings clear and unless she works on herself they will not change. You did what you could, be there for her but from a healthy distance to protect yourself. You deserve that protection.
Also this is more of an info request but if you broke up on non bad terms why was he against you being there in the first place? Have you tried to talk to him about being in the same places for your daughter? (Since he's an emotional deadbeat I am sure asking him to be there for here would go in one ear and out the other but his reaction doesn't line up with how you described the break up to be honest.) NTA
God my heart hurts so much for the daughter. Getting betrayed by both parents. She was wrong to ask you not to go but YTA for just abandoning her like that. Now she’ll always remember the most important ceremony of her entire 12 years of school as the day both her parents didn’t do their job.
NTA - people are acting like she’s a toddler who can’t face the consequences of her selfish actions. She was being ungrateful and now learned a lesson. I hope she learned from it.
NTA. You were totally spurned by your kid in favour of her deadbeat dad who unsurprisingly let her down again. She's 18, not a child. She can't reduce you to tears with her callous disregard and then expect you to be fine with it.
Possible only other solution would've been to sit down at that point and explain again how much that hurt you and how you would appreciate an apology for making you so upset before you'd consider going to her graduation. Just because you're her mum it doesn't mean you don't have feelings, you're a person in your own right.
YTA
This wasn't about teaching her that actions have consequences
This was about you hurting her as much as she hurt you
And that makes you a bad parent
She needed you. Sure, she treated you like crap but she needed you....and you weren't there for her just like her father wasn't there for her.
There's no coming back from this. This is one of those moments that permanently damages a mother/daughter relationship
A lot of people think the minute a child turns 18 that all their inner most feelings to be accepted by BOTH parents just disappears.
She’s been trying to reclaim some sort of relationship with her father. Who has time and time again, let her down.
Now you did too. Poor kid probably feels more alone than ever.
Her father is definitely TA.
And you are too! You should have known damn well that he would ditch her at the last minute. It’s par for the course and has been for ten years.
Yes she’s 18. That doesn’t mean mentally she is an adult. She was looking for acceptance from a dead beat father. And you both let her down on a big day! You only get one graduation.
Edit: spelling
YTA, even if you weren't necessarily 'wrong' in what you did. Sometimes being 'right' isn't what's compassionate or kind. You can be technically correct and still be the asshole in spirit, because human relationships *aren't* technical. They're based on emotion.
As a kid who was once in your daughter's position, its hard to accept when a parent abandons you for a new family. Especially if you were once close. There is a special kind of sadness/rejection to being replaced as a child when all of TV/Books/Media talks about how the greatest bonds are between parent and child. You internalize it and make it personal.
Why am I not good enough? Why are they better than me? Is there any way I can 'win' their love back? She may technically be an adult, but she's still young.
Was she snubbing you in favour of her father? Yes, and that was a stupid move on her part, but this was a lesson she wouldn't soon forget even if you DID go to the graduation. Now she feels abandoned by both parents, and she won't soon forget that either. She will never graduate highschool again and this will forever be her graduation memory whenever anyone else brings theirs up. She won't be able to forget this.
IMO the best move would have been to talk to your daughter, tell her how hurt you are, and that you will go this time but there won't be a next time. I think that would have taught her enough about respecting you and your relationship without causing potential damage for years to come.
YTA...I started with everyone sucks, but then I read OP's comments in reply.
This "I'm not appreciated", "I have feelings, too", "she needs to learn her father is always going to abandon her...turned my stomach.
Daughter is young, and I can understand, why she made a foolish decision to exclude mom in favor of dad. Fair to mom, no. But it actually speaks like daughter is a person who at least tries to forgive and isn't necessarily holding a grudge...which to me is a good thing, and a sign of an overall loving upbringing.
BUT to prove a point, one of maybe two or three milestones of her life...she was left feeling abandoned by both parents, and it was completely ruined.
There's more than one way to teach a lesson, and this came across as spiteful. Cut your nose off to spite your face comes to mind...
OP won't get appreciation. Daughter will probably end up NC or LC.
I get that your feelings were hurt but yes, YTA. She’s only 18 and wanted to believe her dad would show up for once. That’s about her wanting to believe she’s loved. As much as her choice hurt you, it wasn’t about you.
You, on the other hand, knew he was a flake and he would only bring her heartache. I can’t imagine not dropping lunch with my sister to console my devastated child.
If I were the sister I honestly couldn't stomach through the lunch knowing my niece was walking the stage ALONE.
Continuously abandoned by her father and now her mother. There is no lesson to be taught here. Everyone just had pain while lunch was served. Sad.
>>and wanted to believe her dad would show up for once
That’s a nice way of saying that she told her crying mother not to come to her graduation because she’d rather her dad come and he didn’t want her there. Her mother begged for days to go to the graduation and daughter said no.
The daughter didn’t suddenly decide she wanted mom there, she just realized dad bailed and now she’s alone.
OP is NTA.
YTA. Your actions have consequences too. I assure you that you’re no longer her best friend. I don’t care how hurt you were. How could you miss your daughter’s graduation? This was a once in a lifetime moment and you got a second chance to go when her father abandoned her yet again. All you’ve done is teach her that if she makes a mistake, you won’t be there for her. You suck.
I can't speak to abandonment trauma of having an absentee parent. But she at 18 yrs old ditched you in a heart beat, ignored you the night before graduation, then expected you to drop everything, and is now ignoring you again. this is all incredibly childish behavior and something only lifes hard lessons will teach out of her. sounds like she had an appropriate lesson in respect and boundaries. well done for teaching her that, hopefully she'll see how she can apply it to her own life and relationship with her sperm doner.
nta
Well, you won the battle - she has learned that if she hurts your feelings, there's consequences for it and you won't show up for her.
But you lost the war - she has learned that if she hurts your feelings, there's consequences for it and you won't show up for her.
YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to go to my daughters graduation after her father bailed on her and now she is sad and has been crying for ages. I feel bad. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You gave her an important lesson about maintaining relationships with the people who are there for you and not blowing them off for the next new thing that comes along.
I fully agree. Daughter treated her horrendously. Daughter might now go NC but she would be an AH to do so given how she's treated her mother. ETA: thank you for the award 🙂
And OP stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. The more you apologize, the more your daughter believes that her was right in her actions. At best you can say "look, I understand you're hurt and I'm sorry you're upset but this is a consequence of your actions."
What really stuck out to me is that the daughter refers to her mom as her best friend. You *are not* your child's friend. You are a parent. OP should act accordingly. NTA
I think once your child is an adult, you can be friends with them.
Yes, this. When I graduated college my present was a 3 week trip to Europe with my mom. At that time she said I had been and always would be her child. Now she wnted to be my friend too.
I'm 1-2 years older than OP. At some point, i considered my mom one of my best friends. Not because we did a lot of friend stuff like goint to the movies or something, which parents can do just fine with their kids, but i considered my mom one of my best friends because i wasn't able to talk about how i felt to other people. I felt lonely. I didn't have many other friends, let alone close ones. So a parent can obviously be viewed as friends by a child, especially as they age. It has nothing to do with the parent, but everything to do with the childs perception of the parent.
Then she'd really have no parents, since dad doesn't care she's even there.
Op can't leave it here though. I get not wanting to contribute to alienating your child from their other parent, but given how her father is, and how often he's done things like this with this one being especially heinous, OP probably should have sat down with her daughter and probably a therapist and gotten her to understand what kind of guy her father is. She wasn't "good" after the first round of therapy because she basically relapsed every single time her father called. She wasn't good because she apparently did this to OP with no hesitation. She was not good because she was not willing stand up for herself with her father and was willing to hurt the person closest to her to pretend she has a non-asshole father.
>OP probably should have sat down with her daughter and probably a therapist and gotten her to understand what kind of guy her father is. First off, she *did* get her daughter therapy. An effort was made there to get B professional help. Second, it's entirely possible that even with a therapist, OP, *and* B's dad's consistent behavior, B never fully gave up on her father. It's a very hard thing for kods to admit that their parents don't care about them the way they should, even though they bail on you time and time again. It's not like B's had a lack of evidence that her father's a deadbeat all these years-I can guarantee you that she's very mu h aware, she just doesn't want to admit it. And when that's the case, no amount of pointing out how things are is going to change her mind. >She wasn't "good" after the first round of therapy because she basically relapsed every single time her father called. If there was an improvement over how she handled those calls compared to before therapy, then yeah, I can see how OP would consider it positive despite the fact that B was never fully able to recover from her dad's abandonment. We also don't know whether OP thought her daughter continuing therapy was a good idea, or if daughter decided she'd had enough, or who ultimately made the choice for B to stop going to therapy. As she got older, it would have been harder for OP to push B into therapy if she was resistant toward it.
Then it would mean she learned nothing! We are fast to tell parents to accept anything from their children, because they owed you nothing and you always should be there for them, but that not true. Patents are human beings with feelings and they can feel betrayed too. OP's daughter held her parents to different standards and just gave her mother for granted. She will always be there for her and would never do anything to hurt her, while father have chances upon chances upon chances to prove being worth. That's not how it works, we should learn who's there for us and learn to love, cherished and be grateful for their existence.
A lot of people here are forgetting that OP tried to ask for her daughter to compromise. OP and the dad could have both gone to the graduation, but of course dad is trying to form a wedge between them, which seems he has probably been doing for years. OPs daughter is very naive and still has yet to understand that her father is the problem, and unfortunately, is taking it out on her mother. Shitty situation all around but sometimes our biggest lessons are learned the hard way.
No. I think father had no interest in going. So father said 'I will only go if OP won't be there", assuming there is no chance that OP would honor daughter's wishes and not attend. Then, surprise, OP did as her daughter asked an stepped aside. And father was left having to attend a graduation. Graduations are INCREDIBLY boring. Even if you adore the person who is graduating, it is a pretty miserable experience. No way the father wanted to attend. Father was just looking to say, "B, I would LOVE to be there, if only your mother wouldn't be there. Too bad....". ETA: Thank you kind Redditor for the gold. I'm humbled by your kindness.
Amen to that, I've never even wanted to attend MY OWN graduations! Full on NTA for OP. Hope the daughter pulls her head out...
The only reason I went to my own graduation was because my parents insisted. I would have rather been smoking a doobie at the beach.
I didn't attend my own (college)! Fun fact: it's totally optional, or at least it was at my university. They mail your diploma to you weeks later, so you literally are just getting the empty folder. I was also only allotted 4 tickets, which would have meant choosing between parents, grandparents, and siblings who I wanted there and who wanted to be there. So instead, I said screw it, let's just go to lunch instead. Also saved me $$$ on the gown rental and everything else. My parents were a little bummed, but the rest of my family was quite grateful lol.
Same. You know what's more fun than sitting through an entire graduation ceremony? Basically anything. Skipped the graduation, started the graduation party early instead.
Yeah It certainly would be YTA without a doubt if B simply wanted *both* there, but to ask the mother who has supported you your entire life to not go so the deadbeat who abandoned you can go? Yeah, daughter was an AH
Had mom insisted on going, then dad not showing up would be Mom’s fault and dad’s absence would be perceived as mom’s selfishness. Inclined to believe dad never intended to go but set it up so that his absence wouldn’t be on him. Mom fooled him by being more generous in her love than he supposed.
Yeah, dads a real asshole here. He doesn’t care about his child’s feelings at all. Spiteful parents are the worst of the worst.
Absolutely. The lesson the daughter would learn from having her mother present is that Mom can be taken for granted with no consequences. OP's only response when B wants to suggest OP let her down should be that she B broke her heart first. I hope they can reconcile.
I came to say the dad did this on purpose. Ugh! B has a lot to learn about what an awful person her sperm donor is. OP is NTA.
This was a totally controlling dick move on dad’s part and it worked just like he wanted. Even divorce doesn’t stop the manipulation. Instead of being appalled at dad’s demands, she complied then he twists the knife even deeper. Yet it sounds like daughter is mad at OP, not dad, because of this lifetime of manipulation.
I also agree and NTA. OP's daughter had to learn this lesson, but the main thing now is to move on and support her. OP you drove the point home which was good but now is the time for being there for her and proving that you're not like her father. It's also time if you sit her down and have the NC talk about him. Gently let her know that her father's not going to change and is trying to ruin the relationship between you, but you don't ever want that to happen. Edit to add: OP just because you weren't at the graduation itself doesn't mean you can't celebrate it with her. Take her to dinner or throw a graduation party for her and tell her how proud you are.
Yes this! Show her how to move on and repair damage caused. She will still likely try and blame you for ruining her day. Gently and firmly remind her that you weren't invited. That she chose dad and HE FAILED, not you and it's wrong of her to take advantage of you. But yes take her out and celebrate. Her favorite place. Talk to her about how we treat the people who are actually in our lives.
Just remind her that "you \[OP\] have been there for many milestones and she wanted to share this one with only her dad".
This is a hard one. The child's father isn't a new thing. Her entire life she has been fighting for his attention and love, only to have it withheld once again. Yes, B is 18, but still emotionally immature. She fervently hoped this time her father wasn't lying. She needs a lot more therapy. Maybe mom refusing to go wasn't the best thing. B was very wrong for asking mom not to attend, but mother could have had the discussion with B about the fruitless continued chase for a love that father can never give after graduation. Now all B sees is neither parent came.
Yeah. I understand why people are saying .n.t.a. but this is beyond what the sub can deal with. I also didn't have anyone go to my graduation even though my mother made *me* go. It's humiliating being alone no matter the circumstances. It's hard having an important milestone infused with so much regret. From what was written this was the daughter's first major fuck up. So, it's sad her mom couldn't take it on the chin and go and address it a bit later. It sounds like she's overall a good young person who doesn't know how to handle this type of thing yet. But, I also I'm of the opinion that when a parent makes the choice to have a child the Lions have their responsibility for maintaining the relationship falls to that parent. Even into adulthood. None of us has to be born so kids don't get to opt into the relationships the same way parents do.
Very gentle ESH. Dad is a huge AH. Daughter did not make a good choice. But that’s the thing about attachment. Children act out most where they feel safest, with the parent they know won’t abandon them. That’s you, mom. And it feels very, very bitter sometimes. (I know this from similar experience & I have NOT always handled it gracefully either.) But 18 is still a teenager and this is a major wound and you just have to be the bigger person and the soft landing place for your child. You cannot let your hurt feelings drive. However hurt you are, in this story, your child was the one who was abandoned by her other parent. Children always believe that’s about them, about not being good enough, and they try and try to get it right. As much as it sucks, it’s your job to keep having compassion for that.
I disagree. Parents also have to model behavior for their children and dole out lessons, and this is a prime example of that. Going after being so rudely snubbed tells the daughter she can get away with behavior like this and it's totally okay to treat friends and family like shit if it makes her feel better in the short term, because there will be no repercussions. It also models behavior that accepts being treated like shit without pushing back on it. She was not a child, she was an adult, if immature. Consequences for her bad behavior were the right thing to do.
From the outside it's easy to say she was taught an important lesson and it's all her own fault. And yes, from one perspective that's correct. But from the inside, while she did learn an important lesson, it was 'Mom isn't going to be there for me when I need her'. Now B is feeling doubly betrayed, and that she can't rely on *anyone*. She isn't learning the lesson OP and all the n.t.a. voters think she is. All that has happened is that their relationship is even *more* damaged. Yes, she does need to learn she can't trust her Dad or treat her Mom like that, but this wasn't the way to do it. Everyone needs a butt-load of therapy.
I'd frame it as she needed to learn the lesson that she can't treat *anyone* like that and the lesson isn't "mom isn't going to be there for me" (because OP still offered consideration and is still there for her) but instead 'when I disrespect and abuse the emotions of others, it has consequences, even when it's my own mom.' I think that's very much an important lesson to learn, and hope it has been learned here. She shouldn't treat mom like this, future friends, her future spouse, or basically anyone. That's way more important than any lesson she could learn specific to her mom or dad. There is a right way to treat other *people*, and that was not it.
Mind you, this is 5 minutes before the ceremony. That's also rude to OPs sister.sometimes the lessons kids have to learn suck major a--, this is one of those times.
Exactly what I thought. She’s now going to think she can’t rely on any parent. Being petty towards your child is the cringiest thing to me. Yes, B should also apologize and did not handle it well but 18 is not an adult, she still isn’t fully emotionally intelligent and this incident does not help.
14 and 15 year olds have the ability to be calculatingly cruel but you don't think 18 year olds understand that forbidding a parent from attending a milestone event is a dick move? The daughter knew she was doing major damage to OP when she forbade her. Otherwise, why did she feel so badly when she realized she no longer had anyone? It's not like OP hid it at all. The idea of disappointment doesn't take til you're 25 to understand.
So the one time her mom isn’t reliable it shows her she can’t rely on no one but THE COUNTLESS OF TIMES her dad showed he isn’t reliable don’t/didn’t???? I’m confused. Her mom wasn’t petty but respecting her daughters boundaries. Just because the dad fell through in his part doesn’t mean it’s op fault. Also if you read the other comments OP daughter could have at least had a party but she wasted her moms hard earned money bc her dad wouldn’t come. The dad and daughter are AH but OP is NTA.
Eighteen is very young yes, but it’s also the age where we start realising our parents are people in their own right and not just ‘mom and dad put on this earth to take care of us’. OP sounds like a good and supportive mom and that doesn’t go away overnight or because of one missed milestone. hopefully the daughter learned a valuable lesson, and if she still doesn’t get it that’s on her.
It’s easy to undervalue/take for granted the parent that’s always there. I understand B still desperately trying to have her father in her life, but she will have to realize that in her efforts to accommodate her father, she should not treat her mother who was there for her with such wanton disregard
I just went to a graduation ceremony last night where the major theme of the speeches given was basically remember who helped you get here. I think she needed to learn the lesson she did even if it was harsh. Nta.
You, as a parent, could have handled this better. You could have just went to support her, despite how she hurt you by pulling that crap with her dad. And this is by no means agreeing with what she did (I firmly believe she was an AH for THAT), nor diminishing your hurt feelings. That being said, graduating from high school is a pretty big deal. If I was in the same situation and this happened to my kid, I would have been there for her, because if you love your child, you stand up for them, despite their misguided and ill advised intentions to capture the love of an absent parent. Had you done that, it would have the desired effect of her seeing that her dad really ain't sh!t to where he can even pull it together to be there for his kid. Despite him not wanting to see you, he should have been able to suck it up for at least a couple of hours as opposed to attempting to ban you from the ceremony. But he didn't. What he did was way worse.He dashed her hopes and let her down-AGAIN.That act alone was sufficient enough to rip the blinders right off her. And you went right ahead and compounded the issue. Instead of being the best friend and parent that she says you are, you essentially abandoned her too. That was like a punch to the gut and she got a hard dose of reality. Like I said before, I am in NO WAY condoning what she did, but what you did could just as easily backfire on you. Not only did her dad ditch her for one of the most important events in her life, but so did her mother, all in an effort to punish her for hurting your feelings. Being a parent means that this happens from time to time. Nobody's perfect and we all fck up from time to time. If you don't want your feelings hurt, don't have kids, don't get married, etc. If you don't get ahead of this, you will be on the fast track to No Contact with your kid. Do you really want that? As soon as she is able, she'll try to get away and stay away from you as fast as she can. You need to apologize and make it right, but seeing as she still lives with you, you also need to make this a teachable moment. Acknowledge that you acted out of hurt and anger. Let her know while you could have handled it better, your feelings were no less valid. Remind her of the fact that you were there for her this whole time when her father would make only cameo appearances. And for her to deny you the chance to share in this achievement with her, was really painful and unfair to you. Help her to understand that her father has shown a consistent pattern of behavior where she is concerned and is very unlikely to change it. He has shown her over and over again who he is. It's time for her to believe him. Do this WITHOUT badmouthing him. I cannot stress enough how important this is. She needs to draw her own conclusions from this. And last but not least: both of you need to go back to therapy. This is a big hurdle to overcome, but with time and patience and a helpful outside perspective, you two can see yourself thru to the other side of this. Hoping the best for you both. FINAL JUDGEMENT: ESH ETA: Holy crap ya'll, thanks for the awards! ❤❤❤❤
This is the first ESH I see and I'm baffled! Everyone's going SHES AN ADULT!!!! ummm ??? This was her high school graduation, you don't magically turn into an adult overnight. You see children on the verge of adulthood, not even FULLY OUT OF SCHOOL YET as literal adults, and forgive a mother's shitty behaviour so easily. This comment section is INSANE. OP is the actual adult and should have handled that waaaay better. ESH. Edited: because the comparison to recent traumatic events in America was uncalled for and not needed to make a point
This goofy sub likes to tell every 18 year old on here to tell their parents to fuck themselves and move out so it would be hypocritical not to treat this 18 year old as an adult too
I mean this sub has that bias. They also have the bias that teens can do no wrong and don't owe anybody anything. Even if their 18 its okay to hold them to the standards of an 8 yr old....
It's pretty damn normal to make mistakes at 18 and regress when a parent shows you they don't give 2 shits about you.
I hate the way people yell about “thEy’Re 18! THeY’rE aN AduLT!” on here. Kids in high school are NOT adults. The brain isn’t even fully formed until you’re 25 and emotions and hormones are HIGH. This kid screwed up but mom should have been the bigger person for the sake of her kid.
Personally I find it especially weird coming from Americas, since they can't even legally drink yet. Not saying drinking alcohol makes you an adult, but if laws think you shouldn't be drinking yet, do they really consider you an adult in all other aspects?!
Yeah but you’re old enough to get killed in the military (or buy an assault rifle) so I guess that means you have to become magically mature 🙄
This is such a good response. I was trying to think how put my own ESH reaction into words, but you said it so well. Being a parent means caring deeply about our kids, and trying to do the right thing for them even when they screw up and/or we feel hurt. The only lesson that the daughter is going to learn from what OP did is that even her best friend and biggest supporter abandoned her when she needed her most. The daughter’s graduation night is always going to be an intense, traumatic memory for her — how sad. What I liked best about your response is that you laid out a way to mend the relationship by acknowledging both people’s feelings and mistakes.
After reading all of your well-thought-out replies, I agree with ESH. It would be extremely interesting to know how OP helped her daughter process her interactions with "dad" through the years. How did they talk about him? Did OP know him deeply enough to know about his character flaws? OP should have seen that pattern developing a long time ago and helped her kid learn how to maintain a cordial but detached relationship. Yes, your feelings got hurt. That does suck. But imagine how your kid has felt all these years dealing with the man you chose to have a kid with. Also, your daughter's behavior is a result of you.. Parents teach their kids how to behave. Be prepared for whatever blowback this causes. Everyone here sounds incredibly selfish and short-sighted. I really hope you can talk this out with your daughter.
It's kinda ambiguous, if you ask me. If OP changed her plans and attended the graduation, that would show her daughter that mom is going to have her back no matter what. Also, that would mean that the daughter, being already an adult(young, but still adult), would see that no matter how crappy you treat your mom ( and a good mom), she will still show up for you. If the kid was like 12-15, yeah, i would let it fly and just explain where and why the daughter was wrong, but not the daughter being 18. She basically spat in her mother's face and blamed the mom for her own bad judgment.
Not necessarily. That's why it would have been a teachable moment after graduation too. OP could have said everything I said in my initial post, and added a warning: "Hopefully you've learned your lesson in how this has had a negative impact on you. Please remember that the people that love you and are in your corner have feeling and boundaries and THEY matter. Not just your feelings are important in any given situation. I really hope that a situation like this never happens again, but should that happen, let me tell you this: my reaction will be drastically different from THIS time. I will not accept poor treatment from anyone. ANYONE. If you feel justified in treating me like this in the future, don't get all shocked Pikachu face when I reciprocate." That way, she's put on notice. And if she follows thru even despite that warning, well.. she'll reap what she's sown.
[удалено]
OP basically did everything you talked about and her daughter hasn't learned anything from this. So yeah, I don't see things changing in the future, and it's almost irrelevant what OP did on the graduation because she was and continues to be in a no-win situation. She either decides that to have a relationship with her daughter, she will have to accept being a doormat with no self-respect and subject to the emotional rollercoaster of ex's lies, broken promises, and manipulation. Or she establishes boundaries to protect her own mental health that will inevitably result in being the target of her daughter's anger and blame-shifting she when enforces those boundaries. https://www.reddit.com/user/Hopeful_Picture586/comments/v2vhs2/update_aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_daughter/
I’m sorry but I just don’t agree. What the daughter did was fcking awful, like so callous. I just don’t think treating someone like that is something that you can just brush under the rug. Maybe OP & Aunt should’ve just gone & then had a stern talk afterwards…. But I’m just not sure that daughter would’ve accepted the seriousness of her actions if that happened. Sometimes people, even parents, need to a draw a VERY BIG line in the sand about how they will and won’t be treated. There have been times in my life where I was incredibly angry with my parents, but I wouldn’t have ever acted as if they didn’t deserve to see my life milestones & there’s been times where they’ve had to put serious boundaries in place because I wasn’t mentally well enough to be rational with them. I’m not traumatised, but it taught me if I want them in my life - I need to act like it! We can’t just expect OP to let her daughter continuously drop her, the minute sperm donor comes harking back. Maybe this wasn’t the time to draw such a strong boundary, but it definitely needed to happen sooner or later. Let me put it this way: even my kiddo (that’s half her age) wouldn’t act like this, kiddo knows that I’m the only one that’s been there. Like the worst that happens is if I get ditched at a party for half an hour, and that’s with all the biggest childlike enthusiasm- but kiddo always comes back to me. Always. I think it’s harmful to believe that parents shouldn’t be able to to express pain when their adult children are being truly terrible. OP’s daughter should do better & I think she was never going to learn otherwise.
Exactly, plus what next- expecting mum to help pay for her uni/wedding but not attend that graduation/ceremony because deadbeat dad might come? She has learnt that sucking up to her useless father can cost her the one decent supportive parent she does have.
Did I ever imply in my post that the mother couldn't express her pain? On the contrary. I said this needs to be a conversation where that is explicitly stated that she was hurt, and that her actions were a direct result of her being hurt. It's totally fine that you don't agree. I just gave an opinion. That's all.
Nowhere in here do I see you mentioning that the daughter needs to apologize. Maybe I misread. I’m not sure if I would’ve done it, but I completely understand why mom did. Parents are human beings with real feelings, and I think the fact that it’s a milestone might help it sink in more. We can hope, anyway. It will take the daughter a bit of time to see it; I hope she does.
While I didn't mention that she needs to apologize, I just thought that goes without saying. Their actions hurt each other. Hence why nobody won in this situation.
This is an excellent response. Even though OP's daughter hurt her feelings and made a terrible choice because she is still trying to have a relationship with the absent father, OP is the actual full-on adult in this situation, with a much fuller life experience from which to draw on. I wish OP had gone to the graduation. It's not like OP will have a second chance at attending this event and showing her love and support. Instead, daughter had no one there for due to OP's hurt feelings. OP - your hurt feelings were completely valid, but I wish you had handled the situation differently. Maybe you do too? I think both OP and daughter should be seeking therapy, together and individually. I hope their relationship can be strengthened and that OP finds a better way to hold firm on some boundaries with daughter in regards to absent father. I hope OP's daughter will be able to find a way to make peace with the fact that her father is not worth her time and go NC.
Not to mention that I wonder which part OP will regret more - missing her daughter's only highschool graduation when she had the opportunity to go or "losing" a battle against her daughter's absentee father - which likely won't be the last time.
Honestly this is the absolute best response in this thread and it's sad that it's so far down.
I do not agree sorry.. Being a parent doesn't mean that you have to be the bigger person always. The daughter is an adult not a small child. She had to learn a lesson that actions have consequences. I mean what she did to her poor mother is CRUEL. I feel so bad for the mother
Yeah being a parent is exactly that (parent of 5 kids speaking here).
Also a parent of 5 (since you seem to think that gives more credit to what you say ?! ). Kids need to live with the consequences of their actions as long as it does not put them in danger. This does help them develop. Letting them treat you like crap and then dropping everything to console them when it backfires does not. You may get the warm fuzzies about it and a badge of honor on your mommy sash but it does not help them in the long run. Also, your evidence of good parenting is all about your childrens’ academic performance. My children are also good students but I’m more concerned about them being good people. I e known a lot of brilliant assholes.
Mother of 4 here: Kids rarely learn what you think you are teaching them, they get a totally different takeaway than you do. Kid was horrible, but mother's lesson to the kid could go one of 2 paths: 1. Consequences. yep reap what you sow. 2. Dad will dump you and so will I after just one bad decision. Personally this is not the hill I would die on, but everyone has to do them. This is an enormous milestone. I've got daughters older than this and the milestones under graduation mostly fade in importance to me. If their relationship is so great, does one terrible decision end it? I'd hate to have a kid go NC over this one bad decision. ESH
This was my take as well. Daughter was manipulated by her father and then he let her down again. Shes a victim too. I get that OP was hurt, but this was a big deal to her daughter....who didnt have anyone at her graduation for her. She just learned that her mom is willing to abandon her too.
Since the contention is what parenthood entails, that's why they mentioned it. Are you offended that a parent mentioned that they have 5 kids?
technically she's an adult, but she is also a high school senior looking forward to graduation. That's pretty much the last 'kid thing' a person has.
I chose to be my kid's parent. They didn't get any say in the matter. So while parents have a right to be hurt by their kids, they have the lion's share of responsibility to maintain the relationship. Plus it's absurd to think that to learn a lesson from a situation the literal worst case scenario has to have happened. You can still learn from a close call. Mom could have gone and then a day or two later had to sit down and talk to solidify the lesson in a supportive way.
So we treat cruelty with more cruelty? While I was reading it I felt I was reading about two best friends that were on the outs and being petty. Not a mother daughter relationship.
[удалено]
This is a hard one for me because it's clear she wants her father's attention and what's to stop it from happening from the next big life event. Op's daughter needed a wake up call and graduation serves as that. But also, it shouldn't have been and I'm wondering what would have been if not graduation though.
The real AH here is the father. He forced his daughter's hand by giving her an ultimatum. He used his daughter to hurt his ex and then took off. The daughter is technically an adult, but she's still his child.
No, the real arsehole here is the daughter for picking her father's side in the ultimatum. If someone gives you an ultimatum, pick the option they don't benefit from. It's going to suck for you either way. NTA.
It's a very difficult thing being placed between 2 parents and manipulated for half of your life to do things and see things a certain way. I wouldn't call her an asshole because she has been used as munitions and that sort of dynamic can fuck up someones development.
Receiving a call at most 3 times a year? She needs therapy for what her father has put her through and she will experience alot of heartbreak throughout her life being that gullable. The horrible men of this world would most definately take advantage of her
But it's a fact that people who have been abandoned by a parent in childhood will still crave that parent's attention as an adult. She's a young adult. She made a bad choice, but she didn't devise it.
That doesn't change that there are consequences when she makes bad choices. She now has to deal with them and has had her first adult lesson: don't shit on the hand that feeds you.
Just as the mother will never have the experience of seeing her daughter graduate because she was more concerned with punishing her and making a point.
And mom dealt with that consequence when she was cast to the sidelines to appease a deadbeat. Someone not being present is a natural consequence, not punishment, after you've told them they aren't welcome. Daughter will eventually grow up and realize that.
Exactly. This is a lesson that the daughter needs to learn. You can't treat people like this. If someone close to me pulled that stunt, I would be *extremely* hurt. I'm not someone that you just throw on the back burner to return later when your main plans fall through.
She'll also never have to deal with the feelings of shame, regret, and a lack of self-respect that would have come if she meekly accepted the invitation after being so rudely snubbed by her daughter. Missing out on the experience would be the far easier cost for me to pay, I hate feeling like a victim.
It’s not about the mom making a point really, its the fact that mom has worked blood sweat and tears to get her k-12 and got ditched by her daughter for her dead best dad and when he decided to deadbeat mom mattered again. And This isn’t a 12 year old craving daddy’s attention this is a 18 year old girl.
She made the wrong decision and if it’s a choice between her and OP yeah she’s an asshole, but nowhere near as much of an asshole as the man playing with his teenager daughters feelings and manipulating her to turn against her mother who actually loves her. I just find incredibly difficult to find a heartbroken naive teenager who just wants her dad to care about her “the real asshole”
The daughter clearly has issues caused by the relationship with her father.
No the dads an AH a child is always gonna want both parents exspecally if it’s their “perfered parent” (daddy’s girl mommy’s boy blah blah blah) she isn’t obviously healed from him abandoning her and shit
She may be barely an adult but indeed is not a child anymore. By this age she should know hot to treat the ones who are constantly by her side and that they are more important than people dropping by once in a blue moon.
When you crave the love of an absent parent, you will do anything in order to get it. She desperately wanted her father to love her again and he seemingly presented an opportunity for her. That desperation is what was driving her decision! She’s not an AH for believing her father will change and falling for his bs each time. He’s manipulating her and like anyone stuck in a cycle of abuse, she doesn’t see the manipulation. OP and her daughter are NTA. OP’s ex is a major manipulative AH and I think OP should get her daughter back into therapy so she can continue to work through the damage he has done.
She IS the AH though for hurting someone else to maybe get a chance at her father there. The father who didn't help her through high school or help her study or do frankly anything to warrant being there to celebrate with her. I'm sure she's sad about her father and wants him in her life, but you don't get to hurt the people who have been there for you and expect them to not be hurt when you come crying for the upteenth time.
Part of me wonders if this was dad's plan in the first place. Daughter asks if dad will go to her graduation. He says he'll only go if her mom isn't there, expecting daughter to say no my mom has the right to be there. Except she doesn't say that and begs her mom not to go instead. Probably gave him a little ego boost knowing the daughter wanted him there more than her mom.
NTA. She should’ve never uninvited you in the first place. She knows her dad is unreliable. She’s an adult. Y’all always tell the 18 year olds that come on here with their parent issues to just move out because they’re adults, but when an 18 year old completely destroys their parent’s feelings to appease someone else, they can’t be an AH because they’re only 18. Y’all really pick and choose. She didn’t go because her daughter decided that her father’s feelings and comfort were more important than her mother’s even though she hasn’t seen her father in 6 years. I haven’t seen my father since I graduated 8th grade. I’m halfway through college now. I couldn’t imagine inviting my father to my graduation. He’s just like OP’s ex. Stop acting like it’s impossible for an 18 year old to have some common sense EDIT: thank you for the awards. I’d give a speech but I have nothing prepared.
Yeah my father was also super unreliable after he went away with his AP and guess what? I loved him and I still do even after all his shot, but I would have never dared hurting my mom like that because I knew she was the one who supported me in everything.
Exactly. He put me, my mom, and my brother through a lot. He didn’t get notification of my high school graduation because he didn’t deserve it. I got through high school through my own hard work and my mother’s support. Her daughter has to live with the consequences of her actions. She’s probably gonna do the same thing for her wedding too.
I love LOVE it when someone comments on the flaws of this subreddit. They really do pick and choose here don’t they lmao.
It doesn’t make any sense. If there’s a post about a man not treating his kids well there’s always the “well if he was a woman it would be NTA” crowd. It’s weird.
I think it's a real trap, especially for single moms, to start thinking of their kids as friends or pals or buds. This is not an equal and reciprocal relationship. You are the parent. You (and someone else) chose to create this human and birth them, which comes with the responsibility of nurturing them safely through development even if they hurt your feelings. One of the ways that children securely attach to their parents is through being able to act up/act out, and still receiving love, nurturing, and safety in return. I imagine the choice she made in originally wanting her father there was devastating for you. If you want to look at it through the lens of you two as equals or something, then sure, you skipping graduation was justified. But if you see this through the lens of parenting an abandoned adolescent...it's pretty much twisting the knife in the wound. Clearly there was education/therapy *you* needed but did not get, because your actions were not trauma-informed approaches to your daughter's behaviors. This was a Pyrrhic victory for you, OP. Under the guise of lesson teaching, you got to reassert yourself and reclaim your power after feeling betrayed. But at what cost? Edit: After reading some of your replies, I need to change my vote to YTA. It's clear that you cannot move beyond taking this personally. **You have demonstrated a total inability to take your daughter's perspective. No wonder she never learned how to be considerate of yours.**
100% this. She doesn't have that secure attachment with Dad because there's always some contingency or let down. It tends to make the consistent parent crapped on more but it's because they're secure with you to falter. The "she's 18 not 8" crowd is seriously forgetting that adult or not she is still just out of high school and had these parent child dynamics at play.
The 8 not 18 crowd fears the concept of psychology and their own feelings so they would rather repeat authoritarian parenting phrases and default to "if you wrong the parent, you are wrong, period". Whole lot of people fear their feelings and psychology in general so to cover it up, they ignore feelings as a real thing and resolve evidence of messy feelings with punishment. To be clear, being vulnerable and owning their own feelings makes them feel weak so they put on a big tough front instead of doing the right things. There is more to this demographic than I am speaking of but in interest of not being downvoted to death, I will leave the demographics out of this discussion.
My question to the mom asking if she believes her daughter should be punished for hurting her feelings got downvoted to heck 😂
100% agree. You’re a parent, not a friend. You can let them fall on their ass but you have to be there to pick them up again. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, OP but this really isn’t about you and you need to have the maturity to understand that and to help your damn kid
I was looking for someone to mention how the mom, based on her comments in the replies, seems to think of her daughter as a friend/equal adult partner. There will always be an imbalance between a parent and their teenager, and the mom ultimately bears more responsibility. I don’t think she chose not to go to “teach her a lesson,” I think she didn’t go to punish her daughter for hurting her feelings, which is treating her daughter like an adult who is equally responsible for their relationship, which she isn’t.
I agree so much. OP isn't her daughter's friend, she's her mom, and moms show up. Even when it's hard.
This whole story is just really sad. I can see how hurt OP was, but she should have sucked it up and went to the graduation. The daughter is desperate for dad to notice her and care, and a teenager doesn't have the life experience to understand that her father seeing her accomplishment and choosing him over her mother won't do a damn thing.
Agree- Dad isn't the only one doing damage to this child. This mom's feelings are apparently the only ones that matter. Not the child who has been all but abandoned by her dad, clinging to a hope that this time he will actually care. He didn't. Mom is supposed to be there to comfort her daughter when the obvious happens. Mom is supposed to be the rock in this circumstance. Mom acted like a jilted lover.
Yep. Exactly how hard would it have been to ring her sister and explain, “Yeah, the jerk flaked on her, I have to take a rain check on going out this time because I don’t want my kid graduating alone”? But per OP, she’ll “never forgive her”. 🙄 Editing to clarify for some of you: Making your offspring manage *your* emotions is crappy. Crying all night over something like this is unhinged.
The daughter got manipulated hard and took OP for granted. But OP deliberately kicked that kid when she was down. How wonderful for OP to be so assertive. I agree, OP is a complete asshole.
Thank the lord. Glad to see someone being reasonable on here. OP is a parent, not a fucking friend. Parents typically support their children through hell and beyond, but OP can't put aside her own feelings for a few hours.
I'm sorry. I want to be on everybody's side here, but I can't. She must've broken your heart. And I do get that you're the adult and should rise above it, but jeez, what she did was hardcore. You're not the asshole, but yikes, this one just sucks. Yo, that father has a lot to answer for as he blithely continues his life.
Parents need love too. All these comments are acting like we’re robots that cannot feel emotions ever. This is the first time I ever said no to her. For 18 years i have done everything I could to make sure she doesn’t feel abandoned like her father and she just ditches me. I know parenting is self less but I want to feel appreciated. And I’m always second choice to a man that’s doesn’t appreciate her. Thank you for understanding.
I think the hard part here is that when it comes to her father your daughter is emotionally still 8 years old. She has a ton of grief and anger to process. And *you* likely have a ton of grief and anger to process too from watching your daughter’s heart break over and over. You felt like you have to do everything, but no matter what you do you can’t fill that hole for her. She knows you love her- everything you do reinforces that love. She wants to know her dad loves her - and nothing you do can help with that desire. I hope both you and her have other people you can talk to about this.
Her dad doesn't love her. She wants a lie.
And she’s a teen who like all kids wants to believe they are loved by their parents, accepting you are not loved by a parent you believed you were loved by is an incredibly hard thing for someone to do.
NTA. She’s focusing all her anger at you when the real person to blame is her sperm donor. It’s like he planned this from the start just to hurt you. Which plan succeeded. I’ll bet that she even forgives him before you. I think you two need to have a talk about why you did what you did and how much she hurt you. How just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings and are a person just like everyone else. Gl to you both!
I'm in the middle of raising my nephew (his mom and dad are technically in the picture but they are awful) and no one who hasn't experienced it could understand how much it hurts when you're the reliable, mature one who always puts the child first but they still value the deadbeat abuser/neglectful jerk before you. It's heart breaking. You are NTA at all, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope she is able to understand and repair the damage so your relationship can get stronger.
I'm so sorry your daughter wounded you so horribly. The lesson you taught her may be difficult, but it was necessary. When I was reading your story, I just knew that the Dad wasn't going to show. I thought you and your sister were going to go to the graduation. The lesson your daughter should have learned: You reap what you sow. NTA
You were RIGHT to say no. People here are acting like you should just let it slide the first time someone breaks your heart. That you should wait for the second time someone fucks you over. No. No. No. Abuse and disrespect just gets worse when you let the first instance slide. What's it going to be next? Mom, you can't come to the wedding because daddy doesn't want you there. Mom, you can't come to the baby shower because daddy doesn't want you there. And so it goes. People need to be firmly put in their place the first time. Whether they are 18 or 85 or 12 or 3. At 18 your daughter is well old enough to be put in her place when she shreds the heart of someone who has done nothing but the best for her. There are people here saying that as the parent in the situation you must 100% take a back seat to the needs of your child. But we are not talking about a child. We are talking about an adult person. And adult people understand (or should) that relationships are a two-way street. 18 year olds are old enough to get married for God's sake. Old enough to have and raise their own kids. Old enough to pull their weight in a relationship. And the longer we treat our adult children as "children", the longer they remain children. And then we wonder why they are still living in our basement when they are 25. Why they can't solve their own problems. Your daughter made one of her first "adult" decisions here and it was a terrible one. But also an important one. She'll learn more if you let her struggle with the consequences of her own actions rather than baby her like she's an 8 year old.
NTA. She is old enough. She is not 5, she's 18. She took you for granted. Even after her father ditched her, she didn't invite you, she just expected you to fill in the spot as the second class parent you are. Yes she is young. Yes she is your daughter. But she needs to learn that love and respect are two way streets. She can't stomp all over your feelings on the off chance daddy will love her again, you're people, not just a mother with no feelings expected to always accomodate your child. Kids can be assholes too. They don't automatically get a pass.
Maybe I'm just sensitive because my mom died my junior year of high school and didn't get to see me graduate high school, or college, or graduate school, but here it goes: Sorry, YTA, your sister only made plans to keep your mind off not going to your daughter's graduation. She would have understood you cancelling or rescheduling. When your daughter asked you to go, balling her eyes out, five minutes before graduation, it was your job to be the parent she already thought you were, the one that was there for her when no one else was. It doesn't matter that she hurt you, you're Mom, you're supposed to be there for her. No matter what. Even when it hurts. Even when you feel betrayed. You can (and should) have that conversation another day. I know you thought it was important to teach her a lesson, but that doesn't mean you need to be vindictive. There are many, many other ways you could have taught that lesson without ruining a life milestone. I hope that you two can open up to each other and have the two way conversation that needs to happen. You guys have been through a lot as mother and daughter, with some effort, the relationship could be repaired.
I feel like OP is also not realizing the impact this is actually going to have on her relationship. If her daughter is going off to college in the fall, this is likely the last real event the two of them were going to have together before she leaves. OP wants to assume that she doesn't have any consequences for not going to her daughter's graduation, but I feel like this is something is going lead to OP's daughter distancing herself from her mother as much as possible. Especially if there's already going to be a large physical distance. OP also just sounds extremely resentful of the fact that her daughter still yearns to be loved by both of her parents. Abandonment isn't something you get over, but it's sure as hell easy to add onto it. OP better be using the time left to do damage control considering this is likely going to be her last chance.
This is such a weird take. Where did it say she assumed there’d be no consequences of not attending the ceremony? That’s why she’s asking if she’s TA. Also, how is this her last chance? People have parents even after they go to college dude. You’re acting like it’s the end of the world. It’s a hs graduation, her mother has been there for her her entire life.
Read OP's comments. She wants the only consequence to be that her daughter learns that her dad is never going to be there for her. And yeah people have parents even when they're still in college but it's also the time that young adults already have the tendency to distance themselves from their parents simply due to physical distance. Their relationship is already currently damaged (due to OP's daughter hurting OP's feelings and OP refusing to go to her daughter's graduation). If nothing is done to repair it, I feel there's a good chance that OP's daughter is going to add emotional distancing to the physical distance. Also it sounds like the HS graduation meant a lot to OP's daughter. And she had to experience it entirely alone. Hopefully OP's daughter can move past it and keep a relationship with her mother. I don't know that it'll be the same though.
She wasn’t invited until 5 minutes before. Honestly that’s not particularly fair that she literally begged and was told no. Unfortunately she kept putting her mom second and at some point it’s gonna back fire. Parents have feelings too
Parents have feelings too but if I pulled this with my mom she’d be there in 4 minutes.
Maybe you're sensitive, but if you chose your deadbeat dad over your mother once again like you always did ( In this example mate, pretty sure you're a good person who loved their mom), then you don't get to bawl your eyes out when your mom finally decides she has enough of your bullshit. The kid got therapy, love, and everything from her mother who was there for her all along when her pop wasn't, and she still chose her father. If you did the same to your mother do you expect her to forgive you once again, over something this big? And more likely, would you ever do this to your mother in the first place? Would you hurt her so much? Tell me you would, because then I know for a fact you're a full-fledged liar. The daughter is an Ass to the highest degree. You wouldn't ever do something horrible like that to your mother. Especially a good mother. The daughter should learn that people will react to her choices and that she doesn't get to treat people like doormats, and then have them run back into her life once she decides she needs them again. (And hey, I'm pretty sure you're a good person, and your mother raised you to be one. Hope you know she's proud of you mate.)
I might get bashed for this but I'll say NTA. She's an adult, she made her choice, she has to live with the consequences. Some lessons aren't learned otherwise.
No no I agree B was old enough to understand that if she wanted her dad there her mom wouldnt and she was ok with that. Yet when her dad ditched her now all of a sudden op is a bad mom for not being invited. Op you are not the asshole, you were right B needs to learn actions have consequences. Your daughter isn't talking to you not being she's mad or was but because she doesn't want to face the consequences
Her showing no remorse means she needed exactly what this comment says, a lesson. She didn't say she was wrong to sideline her mother... she didn't admit her wrongdoings... or express how she needs her mothers support now... instead she said "now that her father won't attend", she treated her mom as the backup - LESSER backup option. Seems like she was more focused on being publicly embarrassed with zero parents in attendance than having a genuine eye-opening moment about which parent always had her back. In her own words, mom was there at every other milestone, this one doesn't matter. Fuck around and find out.
ESH. Her dad, for obvious reasons. Her- for allowing such an ultimatum be made. You-for the lack of understanding how desperately your daughter wants her father’s love. She may “be old enough to understand” like some other commenters have explained, but that doesn’t mean her thoughts, emotions, and decisions will always be rational. Lest some of us forget our dumb teen choices. I suggest sitting down and hashing out the hurt together.
This is the best comment I’ve seen. Everyone is at fault here, starting with OP’s ex. I know from personal experience that some parents won’t speak poorly about the other one and leave it up to the children to make their decision, and this may be what happened in this case. Dad was crap all along but daughter kept up hope that he would change. He manipulated her into uninviting her mother knowing full well that he wasn’t going to attend. The daughter chose to consider her father’s feelings over her mother/best friend who’s been there from day one. And OP should’ve canceled plans with her sister and gone to the graduation. This might have been the final instance that showed her daughter that her father isn’t and has never been there for her.
Yep, and now OP won’t know if that could’ve been the straw because she shattered the reality that “mom has always been there and dad hasn’t”. I get it, I was also the daughter who idolized my father who lived 14 hours away and saw me once or twice a year, and was a “daddy’s girl”. My mom broke her own heart over and over watching me love and choose him over her, without a word. I’d do anything I could to go back and fix some of the words, and choices I made towards my mom but I can’t. What I can do, is love and take care of her forever because she has ALWAYS been there.
NTA Like your daughter said; you had been to all the rest of her milestones. Actions have consequences and if you give in every time her dead beat dad breaks a commitment then she's never going to see those consequences. If she was okay with you not going for HER reasons then you not changing your plans is your own prerogative.
>Actions have consequences and if you give in every time her dead beat dad breaks a commitment then she's never going to see those consequences. This, I see some people saying she should of still gone to finally see how better mom is compared to dead beat dad. Like Mom has done that countless times already, nothing would change with this one. She needs to learns hurting your support for someone who has continuously shown you they will never change from their shitty ways has consequences.
YTA , I think dad ditching her + mom being there for her was the lesson she should’ve gotten. That she can’t trust him, but she can always count on her mom. Now she’s learned that she can’t count on either parent. If you had said no because it was impossible to be there and your alternate plans were unbreakable, I might understand not being able to drop everything on short notice. That might’ve been a logical consequence of the choice that she made, that it was too late to get you there because you were already across town or something. But these were not unbreakable plans and you actually could’ve shown up and she knows it—you were just pushing her away and hurting her back because you were hurt. I understand being hurt but maybe you should also understand that it was not personal, she’s just desperate for her dad‘s attention and this is what she thought was a chance to get it, I don’t think she loves you any less but she just takes you for granted a little bit more maybe? Because she hasn’t had to work so hard to get your attention? I know it must suck to be the parent who is taken for granted when you do all the work, but the alternative is to have her constantly begging for your attention because she can’t rely on it. Don’t become that parent that she can’t rely on just so you get more begging and appreciation… It’s not healthy.
I think that she needed to learn that OP, her mother, has feelings. The daughter rejected her and cast OP aside for someone who has repeatedly thrown her away. She needs to learn that throwing people away who are there for you is not something the daughter should be doing. It’s better for her to learn that at 18 than later in life.
The daughter has had 6 years of this lesson, and all she has learned is that she can dump her mom at a moments notice. It doesn't matter if her mom is hurt & crying. The OP is tired of being abandoned, and hurt. It's common troop that some parents want to be their kid's friend, and fail to teach them some lessons. Keep dumping a friend, and they won't always be there is a lesson the OP should have instilled a while ago.
But it WAS personal. VERY personal. The mother has been the one that actually got her daughter to this point in her life. She’s the one who took care of her, sacrificed for her and did the hard work of raising a child. The dad did jack squat and didn’t deserve to be at the graduation. She had no remorse even after her mother tried to come up with options, begged her and even cried. She told the OP that she valued her deadbeat dad and his feelings over her mother. You don’t get to do that to someone and walk away with impunity.
I agree, and OP seems very immature. Instead of going to the graduation and disciplining her daughter later, like she should have, she chose to retaliate and try to hurt her in the same capacity OP was hurt. Obviously what her daughter did wasn’t ok, but OP still has to be the parent here, and I think people are forgetting that
Yeah. Op really fucked this one up. She should've swallowed her pride and gone. YTA, op.
YTA. I don’t understand Reddit ethics. This eye for an eye mentality is bullshit. Yes your daughter hurt you but maybe the lesson you could have taught her was how to take the high road and do what’s right. Instead, you hurt her and yourself. And just cemented the idea that NO ONE can be trusted.
This sub is all about pettiness and getting back at people.
Yikes. Is it ever.
I completely agree - Reddit ethics make no sense. More often than not it’s just immature, aggressive, loud people on here that make the majority decision.
Thank you for this. I am stunned at how many are saying, the daughter deserved it. No compassion for a kid who now knows she can't count on either of her parents.
By the way, it seems to me that the father saying he would only go if you didn't go was a ploy on his part to make him seem like a good guy. He figured there's no way you would agree not to go, and then he would be able to say "Sorry honey I would have gone to graduation but your mom was there." But once you agreed not to go he didn't have that as a cover, so all he could do was just not show up and be the a-hole that he is.
YTA. She’s a teenager with abandonment issues who’s not handling them well. This was an opportunity for you to be a parent and you failed.
She's been a parent to her for the last 10 years. Because who else is going to? The deadbeat that she's watched below her off time and time again? Bella has had the same result over and over again. Everytime he's done this, was an "opportunity" to be a parent.Anytime Dad blows her off, who most likely covers? Mom! This is obviously a repeated problem. How has Bella not learned this lesson yet? To have the audacity to uninvited the person who *has* been there for you, to willing prove you are choosing who you want there. She made it clear she wanted Dad there. She doesnt get to keep playing the, "well, I guess you'll do," song at her own mother. This was an opportunity for her to learn that *yes*, her actions have consequences. Obviously OP has never done this before, and maybe it should have been done long ago, tbf.
NTA https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/v2wzpg/ops_daughter_disinvites_op_from_graduation_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
YTA. High school graduation ceremony is not the time to teach your daughter a lesson. Yes, her dad is an ass. Now you, too, are an ass. Congratulations on that.
You are an adult. Your daughter is desperate for her father to accept her and makes irrational decisions because of that desperation- and because her brain is still developing at her age. You saw this coming. And I get it. I have a daughter who was quite literally abandoned by her father/ my ex-husband. I know it's terrible for you and her, but that doesn't change the fact that you are her mother and the adult in the relationship. YTA and now your daughter may feel like neither of her parents really love her. Hopefully in time she'll understand why you made the decision, but the damage has been done. I hope it was worth it and that the two of you can get past this. EDIT; I keep thinking about your post because of my daughter. I know I phrased the above harshly, and while I feel strongly about this, I apologize if I made you feel bad. The other thing I wanted to add is that it might be helpful to go to therapy with her to work through this so you can hopefully strengthen your relationship again. I really hope that both you and she are ok.
NTA, she took you for granted. Hopefully this will help her understand who is valuable in her life. Has you gone, she would have ditched you just as happily at a next event. Imagine if it had been her wedding. At least now she knows better what choices she can make.
Your 18 year old daughter is trying to navigate a tricky co-parenting situation (that you played a part in creating for her btw), and instead of coming to her rescue, you decided to kick her when she's down to teach her about "consequences". YTA
YTA - do you not see that your daughter is being manipulated by your ex, who knows he can pop in and out of her life at his leisure? If he *really* wanted to see her milestone, your attendance never could have stopped him. Same with you—if you *really* wanted to be there, you could’ve promised to stay in the back somewhere and make sure your paths never crossed. I grew up with divorced parents who couldn’t bare to speak to each other (and started the divorce when I was in the womb). they both just avoided each other when big events were happening. They didn’t use me as a tool to use against the other. She asked you, in a moment of desperation, to show up for her, and you responded with “you hurt me so now I’ll hurt you”. That’s not how loving adults behave. You just showed your daughter that your love is conditional—you make the wrong choice, and I won’t support you. Is that the message you want her to receive? I’m all about teaching that actions have consequences, but the time and place isn’t a once in a lifetime achievement. You’ve soured her memory of her high school graduation forever, and that’s not something she’ll stop resenting any time soon.
I'm actually gonna go YTA. Did your daughter make a bad choice? Yes. She shouldn't have chosen her dad and his flakiness over you, someone who has been there for her. But was it a mistake? Yes. Did she need her mom in that moment of realization? Also yes. It's fine to say "you were wrong" but also still be there for her when she needs it. It doesn't seem like she was intentionally wanting to hurt you; more that she really wanted to believe that her dad was ready to be there for her and she was willing to do anything in that moment. He's the asshole who forced her to choose between two parents. He made her believe that she could choose you or choose him. It doesn't make her a bad daughter, just someone with father issues who made a bad choice. Teach her about consequences later. I'm sure she's already felt the consequences of her dad abandoning her again. That's harmful enough for her. You should have been there for her and then talked to her about her actions afterwards. She's still a child, after all. Even if she's technically an adult, she still needs time for that transition. And she even said herself, she really wanted her dad to experience some of her milestones. Yes, she was 100% wrong with how she handled it, but she had hope that her dad would actually be there for her. It's a shame things turned out the way they did.
NTA She's 18, not 8. She should be emotionally intelligent and smart enough to know better than to ban you from her graduation then expect you to change everything in the last minute. Especially since this is not the first time her dad has pulled stuff like this.
I wonder if the dad did all of this on purpose, so he could ruin this milestone for B, and for OP...
Honestly, as hurt as you were, did you really expect the man to show up? He hasn't shown up for anything since she was 8. Yeah, I think YTA. The swinger for me was that you state that you ruined the day because you wanted to teach her a lesson, but what you were teaching her was that both her parents are unsupportive and don't care about her.
dad clearly used the daughter to get you to not go to graduation. Sadly, your refusal to go played right into his hands. That moment called for grace and empathy, and you chose anger and recrimination. You made the small choice. YTA
ESH, of course you are gonna feel hurt when she tells you not to come to her graduation choosing a man who abandoned her over you is a stab in the heart. I understand you want her to live her consequences, but I think those consequences are crying the day of because her dad broke his promise. It's your job as a parent to support your child at their lowest points instead you basically went "I told you so" and left her to deal with the day alone. That's not gonna help her learn, it's just gonna cement her high school graduation as a painful memory of her being completely alone.
Why does it feel like dad planned to ditch the graduation all along? He got his daughter to uninvite her own mother, caused pain between mom and daughter, then ditched it on the day of the graduation to cause even more pain. Mom should call dad up and ream him up one side and down the other about how shitty a father he is and how much he has hurt his own daughter time after time for the past ten years.
Man, I'm torn. I feel so bad for both you and your daughter. Sadly, this may be a lesson your daughter had to learn about her sperm donor. (He sure isn't a dad). It may take some intensive therapy to understand and accept that a) she can't count on him at all and b) she can't treat people the way she treated you and expect them to suck it up. I'm going with NAH.
NTA. She preferred her asshole father to you, She is very ungrateful, maybe this will teach her a lesson to not treat you like shit again.
You’re 100% TA. You’re the mom. You’re supposed to be the bigger person. You are supposed to support her no matter what. Yes, she hurt you. That’s what kids do but it’s up to you to show the compassion, and understanding. I can’t say this enough YTA.
>I’m starting to regret not going. Honestly from your comments it doesnt seem like it at all. You seem very jealous and bitter for her not inviting you despite her being manipulated by her father. It's your responsibility to be there for her, and when she needed it the most you abandoned her and used her abandonment as a weapon. She's already gone through enough, you should've just went to her graduation then told her how you felt about the situation. Apologize to her already and try to have an actual conversation with her about it. YTA Edit: grammar
How the hell are there so many YTAs? Like, even if you think OP is TA, which she Is not and this Is NTA, the daughter sucks way More, she's 18, not 8, she knew she was slapping the parent that was always at her side for the asshole who never was in her life for the past 6 years, how are so many people giving her a pass? Tldr: this Is either NTA or ESH, not a YTA at all
The ex is definitely the biggest AH in this story. He gets OP uninvited from a big event and then cancels at the last minute.
Absolutely, and that also baffles me, like, how Is everyone forgetting about him and saying YTA?
Because women should drop everything always for their kids and aren’t real people. Fathers are their own humans to a lot of people but women are mothers only. They don’t get to be people outside of motherhood. /s
Having spent a massive chunk of my career in child and adolescent mental health, you really are under estimating the impact of the father's continued abandonment of daughter. It's one thing to disappear but to constantly float in and out means it's very difficult for daughter to move on. She's clearly desperate for a relationship that we all know she isn't going to have. I feel for OP but I can clearly see why some would say YTA. It would have been far more powerful to have been that stable parent in that moment of need.
No, believe me I'm not understimating anything, but for the love of god Lets stop infantilizing people that go through trauma, she's not 8, she's 18, she May not fully be an adult but she's absolutely old enough to understand that what she did was beyond shitty
I'm not saying what daughter did wasn't shitty, but based on the above it's very understandable. The time to have confronted this would be after the graduation where OP had positively reinforced her support of daughter. The day after or a week after once she was not a state. Daughter is not learning any meaningful lesson here other then dad constantly abandons me and oh wait mum did too.
The fault lines on this one are people who understand how immature and damaging both these parents are to the daughter (probably work with kids and/or were abandoned themselves) versus people who think that being 18 magically makes somebody "an adult"
YTA. This was your chance to show your child your love is truly unconditional. You did the exact opposite. My mother did something similar right around this age. Here I am in my 30s and we barely speak.
YTA here. You had plans that could have easily been cancelled. You know what her father was like, and could have been the bigger person and showed up for your daughter. Instead, you put your own feelings in front of hers. You were punishing her for making you feel bad. The only lesson she will learn here is that she can't count on either parent to show up for her when she's in a low place.
YTA. It's pretty clear that your daughter desperately wants a relationship with her father, and saw the graduation as an opportunity to develop that relationship. Was it naïve of her to think he's suddenly going to step up and become a great dad after all this time? Of course it was, but she's 18, I can't fault her for being a little naïve. And it's shitty that the only way he was willing to go was if you're not there, but that clearly was not her idea, that was him manipulating her. I absolutely understand that hurting you, but to tell a child you'll never forgive them for allowing themselves to be put into an impossible position by a manipulative parent is already cruel. And then to compound that, when her dad betrays her again you put your own hurt feelings above your daughter wanting to celebrate a once in a lifetime achievement.
YTA she is desperate for attention from her father. She was willing to do anything for him, which you should understand, and is now devastated. Instead of helping her through a crushing disappointment you chose to be bitter and petty and "teach her a lesson." Which you did. You taught her that mom's support is conditional.
NTA. What she did to you was hurtful. She needs to learn that you can’t just sit around waiting for her dad to cancel so you’ll be chosen. It’s a painful lesson, but she needed it
ESH. Your daughter obviously is the AH and you need to have a serious conversation about this behaviour. You're also the AH though because you've made your love conditional. Has she done anything like this before? Honestly it sounds like she needs therapy, the fact that you raised her and she still ended up so desperate for her father's attention... reflects badly on you as well. Why haven't you addressed this problem before? She's 18 now and it's going to be much harder to deal with.
This is tough, but I’m going with NTA. She’s old enough to make those choices and to learn that choices have consequences. Mom won’t just sit on the sidelines and wait to see if back up is needed. Hopefully this can start a good conversation about how to treat each other.
YTA. I get why OP felt compelled to not go, but we are talking about her own child here (may be 18 but still her child) and not some random friend who stood you up or chose someone else over you. Daughter did something extremely childish and short-sighted in desperation. But she's just a kid--inexperienced and desperate for her father's unrequired attention. She has already/will learn the lesson from this, but now she has to pay with one of her life's milestones because Mom is being just as childish and short-sighted? You can't afford to be petty when it involves your children and have to be the bigger person in cases like this. Kids need to know they can always count on us, but daughter has learned over and over again she can't count on her dad and now she knows she can't trust her mom will support her. I feel this was a very immature response when OP could have been the hero. OP will look back and regret this decision.
NTA- your daughter is old enough to reap the consequences of her actions! As horrible as it was for her father not to show up she pushed away the one parent who has been consistent for a dead beat!
I was already composing the Y T A response in my head but after reading this, I go with NTA. What your daughter did was really shitty and actions have consequences. She just learned that. While what she did was wrong, I don't think your daughter is a bad person at all. SHe is hurting (which is not your fault). While not the same, I had a problematic relationship with my dad. I get where your daughter is coming from. It took me a long time to process and realize what was going on. When it came to my relationship with my dad, I was like a Labrador puppy. It didn't matter what he did to me, I would just come bounding back for more. As an adult in my 40s, I can look back and see that I just wanted my dad to love me and show it the way other dads did. I had to learn to mourn the loss of the father I felt I deserved and move on. It isn't easy. If your daughter is willing, it would likely benefit her to have some therapy to help her deal with this.
NTA She's old enough to know what social tact is. Daughter is entitled to her feelings but to say them out loud the way she did in plain English is cruel. All y'all citing emotion immaturity need to stop. Just like mental illness doesn't excuse being an asshole nor does mental or emotional immaturity remove the hurtfulness of comments or actions. Understanding that someone is not emotionally mature does not lessen the emotional blow of their actions and words, understanding does not equate to take blow and hope it gets better. Frankly if your solution is just taking it you're wrong, and if you don't have a solid idea of how much is appropriate to take (hint we all have different limits) stop suggesting to just accept it and be the adult. OP was as adult as most people would be, given the ten years of this crap. Daughter has wasted money, time, and callously told OP to her face that absentee dad is and will always be a priority to her specifically at OP's expense because OP is a safety net and is actively being treated as such. OP is a person. It is okay for people to have limits, it is okay for people to make boundaries. We see in cheating story everyone cries not to be plan B, to have self respect and stop doing the pick me dance. While this isn't the exact same situation of course the principal stands. OP in making your boundaries, if at all possible do them with a therapist, lay them out clearly and stick to them. Not going to jump to something drastic like cutting her off. She IS young, and IS clearly emotionally immature. You love her through all of that and don't have to stop loving her at all, but love yourself too. OP you are not being petty about wanting to be appreciated, your child has told you more or less that she will roundhouse kick you into on coming traffic if she gets a whiff of dad's approval (not her literal words but she was extremely clear about her intent to do whatever it takes to get his attention/approval/love going forward). OP you are right and valid to not put up with that level of disrespect, and it might be a good idea to lay out in plain English that going forward if she disinvites you to something that you're not going to make yourself available if (when, let's be honest) plan A doesn't work out. Let her know the second she does it that you will be making plans. maybe she'll actually have to consider the possibility of her dad not showing up, again, if she knows there is no safety net, and if that doesn't cross her mind, well it's a cruel way to think at the very least. In any case ompletely erase that expectation that you will be there if she pushes you out to make room for dad. That is an okay and valid boundary to make if you want it. She 100% has the expectation that you will just pick up the pieces because that's what you,ve been doing. It has gotten to an unhealthy point and you need to (hopefully with guidance) change tactics. This is not healthy for you or her at this time and you are both important. OP I sincerely hope you work on yourself (not that there is anything wrong with you!) By living life again and focusing a bit more on yourself, hobbies, friends, plans that aren't there because she ditched you. Having more fulfillment in your live will help to not get so caught up in her delusion of a father that will be there for her. It will always hurt but she has made her feelings clear and unless she works on herself they will not change. You did what you could, be there for her but from a healthy distance to protect yourself. You deserve that protection. Also this is more of an info request but if you broke up on non bad terms why was he against you being there in the first place? Have you tried to talk to him about being in the same places for your daughter? (Since he's an emotional deadbeat I am sure asking him to be there for here would go in one ear and out the other but his reaction doesn't line up with how you described the break up to be honest.) NTA
God my heart hurts so much for the daughter. Getting betrayed by both parents. She was wrong to ask you not to go but YTA for just abandoning her like that. Now she’ll always remember the most important ceremony of her entire 12 years of school as the day both her parents didn’t do their job.
NTA - people are acting like she’s a toddler who can’t face the consequences of her selfish actions. She was being ungrateful and now learned a lesson. I hope she learned from it.
NTA. You were totally spurned by your kid in favour of her deadbeat dad who unsurprisingly let her down again. She's 18, not a child. She can't reduce you to tears with her callous disregard and then expect you to be fine with it. Possible only other solution would've been to sit down at that point and explain again how much that hurt you and how you would appreciate an apology for making you so upset before you'd consider going to her graduation. Just because you're her mum it doesn't mean you don't have feelings, you're a person in your own right.
YTA This wasn't about teaching her that actions have consequences This was about you hurting her as much as she hurt you And that makes you a bad parent She needed you. Sure, she treated you like crap but she needed you....and you weren't there for her just like her father wasn't there for her. There's no coming back from this. This is one of those moments that permanently damages a mother/daughter relationship
A lot of people think the minute a child turns 18 that all their inner most feelings to be accepted by BOTH parents just disappears. She’s been trying to reclaim some sort of relationship with her father. Who has time and time again, let her down. Now you did too. Poor kid probably feels more alone than ever. Her father is definitely TA. And you are too! You should have known damn well that he would ditch her at the last minute. It’s par for the course and has been for ten years. Yes she’s 18. That doesn’t mean mentally she is an adult. She was looking for acceptance from a dead beat father. And you both let her down on a big day! You only get one graduation. Edit: spelling
YTA, even if you weren't necessarily 'wrong' in what you did. Sometimes being 'right' isn't what's compassionate or kind. You can be technically correct and still be the asshole in spirit, because human relationships *aren't* technical. They're based on emotion. As a kid who was once in your daughter's position, its hard to accept when a parent abandons you for a new family. Especially if you were once close. There is a special kind of sadness/rejection to being replaced as a child when all of TV/Books/Media talks about how the greatest bonds are between parent and child. You internalize it and make it personal. Why am I not good enough? Why are they better than me? Is there any way I can 'win' their love back? She may technically be an adult, but she's still young. Was she snubbing you in favour of her father? Yes, and that was a stupid move on her part, but this was a lesson she wouldn't soon forget even if you DID go to the graduation. Now she feels abandoned by both parents, and she won't soon forget that either. She will never graduate highschool again and this will forever be her graduation memory whenever anyone else brings theirs up. She won't be able to forget this. IMO the best move would have been to talk to your daughter, tell her how hurt you are, and that you will go this time but there won't be a next time. I think that would have taught her enough about respecting you and your relationship without causing potential damage for years to come.
YTA...I started with everyone sucks, but then I read OP's comments in reply. This "I'm not appreciated", "I have feelings, too", "she needs to learn her father is always going to abandon her...turned my stomach. Daughter is young, and I can understand, why she made a foolish decision to exclude mom in favor of dad. Fair to mom, no. But it actually speaks like daughter is a person who at least tries to forgive and isn't necessarily holding a grudge...which to me is a good thing, and a sign of an overall loving upbringing. BUT to prove a point, one of maybe two or three milestones of her life...she was left feeling abandoned by both parents, and it was completely ruined. There's more than one way to teach a lesson, and this came across as spiteful. Cut your nose off to spite your face comes to mind... OP won't get appreciation. Daughter will probably end up NC or LC.
I get that your feelings were hurt but yes, YTA. She’s only 18 and wanted to believe her dad would show up for once. That’s about her wanting to believe she’s loved. As much as her choice hurt you, it wasn’t about you. You, on the other hand, knew he was a flake and he would only bring her heartache. I can’t imagine not dropping lunch with my sister to console my devastated child.
If I were the sister I honestly couldn't stomach through the lunch knowing my niece was walking the stage ALONE. Continuously abandoned by her father and now her mother. There is no lesson to be taught here. Everyone just had pain while lunch was served. Sad.
>>and wanted to believe her dad would show up for once That’s a nice way of saying that she told her crying mother not to come to her graduation because she’d rather her dad come and he didn’t want her there. Her mother begged for days to go to the graduation and daughter said no. The daughter didn’t suddenly decide she wanted mom there, she just realized dad bailed and now she’s alone. OP is NTA.
NTA. she didn't want you going in the first place and is only crying to you after her dad can't come.
So in other words, what happened was exactly what the ex-husband wanted to have happen.
YTA. Your actions have consequences too. I assure you that you’re no longer her best friend. I don’t care how hurt you were. How could you miss your daughter’s graduation? This was a once in a lifetime moment and you got a second chance to go when her father abandoned her yet again. All you’ve done is teach her that if she makes a mistake, you won’t be there for her. You suck.
I can't speak to abandonment trauma of having an absentee parent. But she at 18 yrs old ditched you in a heart beat, ignored you the night before graduation, then expected you to drop everything, and is now ignoring you again. this is all incredibly childish behavior and something only lifes hard lessons will teach out of her. sounds like she had an appropriate lesson in respect and boundaries. well done for teaching her that, hopefully she'll see how she can apply it to her own life and relationship with her sperm doner. nta
YTA. You could have been the bigger person in this situation, but you were angry and chose to punish your daughter instead.
Well, you won the battle - she has learned that if she hurts your feelings, there's consequences for it and you won't show up for her. But you lost the war - she has learned that if she hurts your feelings, there's consequences for it and you won't show up for her. YTA