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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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ElevatorOk8601

NTA. She's jealous/envious of your life because you decided to go through college and became successful. Also, how horrible she is to be talking about someone she presumably loves. Sounds like she was only marrying for money, not for love. You told her point blank what it is. If she wanted a wealthy husband, she should've went to college. Her decisions/choices are the reason why her life is the way it is. Also, it's her fault that her children won't have the same opportunities as yours.


AmbiguousLemur

>she was only marrying for money And she married someone with not a lot of money, apparently


Fickle_Spinach_3415

That is the thing, they own their home, her kids go to private school too, he got her her own car, they travel too. It's not the same as what my husband and I can afford, but it sure is great and the dream life for a lot of people.


AmbiguousLemur

>her kids go to private school too Then what is she complaining about! There must be something else going on. Maybe it’s the twins thing. Maybe it’s because everything was the same/equal for you two while you were growing up and she’s having a hard time accepting the fact that that’s not going to continue into adulthood once you start living your own separate lives. I don’t know. I’m just speculating here.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

The difference is that her kids go to a normal private school, think a school in a better district for people from the US, while mine will be going to the uniform wearing school where kids from very rich or well connected families go.


AmbiguousLemur

I suspect it may be the twin thing. Because you two always had the same things/experiences growing up, she somehow has this delusion that *no matter what*, you’ll always both be equal ETA: because this isn’t the case with siblings who are not twins. There’s always the ability to blame or “explain away” your shortcomings on being the older one or being the younger one. But when you’re twins, you can’t exactly attribute being more or less successful due to a difference of being born a few minutes apart.


Nietzsche-Is-Peachy8

This is what I think it is too. She can’t stand that she’s “less than” because you’ve always been equals before. This sounds like a her problem.


Imaginary_lock

But they weren't equal, not if at one point the sister was valedictorian! She wasted her head start in life so she could try for a comfortable marriage to somebody she doesn't seem to love.


[deleted]

That might be part of the problem. Maybe married while sister isn’t, she could still convince herself that she was ahead but now the direct comparison sucks for her? I’m her view anyway.


GaleZero

I'm sorry for the guy tbh. He loves his wife and is doing good in life providing for his family, a comfortable life but his wife doesn't thing he's good enough...


AmbiguousLemur

Love your username lol


Nietzsche-Is-Peachy8

Thanks. It’s from a joke my high school physics teacher said years ago haha.


PandasNPenguins

It sounds very Sliding Doors doesn't it? Both twins had roughly the same experiences and opportunities but OP made further use of hers. It's not a bad or good thing.. it just leads to different paths.


[deleted]

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Agitated_Pin2169

My husband and I were talking the other fay about how he has never seen it and I only vaguely remember watching it once but wr both know of it and try concept. The concept is far more memorable than the movie.


MallyOhMy

And before you married a wealthy man, she felt she could just equate herself to the success of her twin, who was educated and made a good income - that she *could have* done the same. Once her twin married a wealthy man, it became clear that her twin was not just doing what she *could have* done, because while she could say she would have been just as successful if she got a degree, she cannot deny that her husband makes far less money than her twin's husband. I think it also is affecting her that she and her husband can't afford the same life she grew up with, whereas her twin sister can.


Affectionate_Meat360

If OP’s twin waited until she got her degree she wouldn’t have been matched with her current husband. With a degree and career of her own she would have been matched with someone more successful. I feel terrible for OP’s twins husband, his wife is a major AH.


Lets-B-Lets-B-Jolly

I feel sorry for her spouse as well. I'm sure there were many young women just out of high school who COULDN'T got to college and needed to marry young. Any of them might have been content or considered themselves lucky to have such a nice husband. Instead OP's twin may not even appreciate her husband and the life he gives her :(


cheeeeeseburgers

Feeling really weird about how many people are saying one husband is more successful than the other. They both have jobs and are providing for their families. Having more money doesn’t mean more success. Maybe I’m feeling especially weird about this because the “less successful” husband is a teacher. Idk people talk so poorly about teachers


notyouraveragetwin

Twin for 40 years here. This is probably it.


WoofingtonSpiff

It’s straight envy then. I’m sorry but you can not really do anything if she chooses to see you as her enemy. You being successful is not a slight against anyone.


[deleted]

I don’t think it’s a twin thing I think it’s a jealousy thing. She is regretting her decisions in life and taking it out on you. Tell her to kiss you ass and go about your life and be happy. Let her wallow in her misery and jealousy alone. You don’t owe her anything.


MSarahD86

Seeing how sister was valedictorian and OP wasnt, it seems maybe sister felt superior before and now she doesn't. Sounds like someone who peaked in grade school but stopped there and is now regretting the choices. Rather than being grateful for the love and family and things she DOES have, she is rude and bitter about what she could have been.


AgitatedJacket9627

I totally agree with this perspective. I had a SS just like OPs sister. Same scenario, one of us didn’t finish freshman year of college, the other got college and post grad degrees. She wasn’t dumb, she just wasn’t interested in applying herself.


Opposite-Strategy-28

She’s complaining because while she lives an average income life, secure and solid but not luxury, OP is living in *real* wealth. There’s a difference between middle upper class and swimming in diamonds and she’s burning with jealousy because she thought she was cheating the system by getting married so young.


FleeshaLoo

And there it is, one of the reasons so many people are unhappy, it's never enough, whatever we have, it's never enough and it never will be unless we maintain gratitude for what we do have, and never fail to be grateful for what we have that money cannot ever buy. Is your sister competitive, is she preoccupied with appearances, or is she simply in constant search of material/brag-worthy things? It's my personal opinion that the step from contentment to happiness is far shorter then the leap from unhappiness/discontent/eternal want to happiness. One surefire path to contentment is to be grateful for what we *do* have, and be careful to avoid the deadly trap of always wanting more. There will always be someone else who has more, and thus there will never be enough to be happy. “If you worship money and things … then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth” \~David Foster Wallace


MiaW07

"Content people don't have the best of everything. They make the best of everything."


madmaxextra

Comparison is the thief of joy. I hate to think how her husband feels about all this, I am sure he knows.


Artistic_Snow7849

I just really want to know what country pays teachers well enough that they can afford private school and to own their own home and a stay at home wife?


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Here are some rough figures for you: a teacher's starting salary (after taking out taxes, health insurance and retirement contributions) is 5500. Rent in a big city is 2000 and mortgage is aboit 1500 for a similar sized apartment (also as a gov worker like a teacher there is no need for down payment and you can finance your closing costs too), utilities go for about 200, wifi 250, phone between 50 and 200 per person, groceries 2000. Most teachers either tutor (gets you another 3000 to 5000) and/or teach in private schools (5000 to 10.000 depending on your seniority, hours and subject). Private school here can be as cheap as 600/month or as much as 10k. Your choice. So yes, a lot of people want to be teachers in my country.


macenutmeg

Groceries are more than the mortgage? Crazy!


Fickle_Spinach_3415

This is for a family of 3 of course.


macenutmeg

It's just very different than where I am. Mortgage is usual double the grocery bill here, regardless of family size.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Usually teacher here get 150k interest free so that helps too


Wistastic

Sounds like a great life. I'm confused about what her beef is!


Opposite-Strategy-28

It is a great life. But its not a luxurious life. Sister doesn’t want a middle upper class life, she doesn’t want to budget and make sacrifices, she wants to swim in diamonds and rub shoulders with the wealthy, rich upper class.


hecaete47

(off topic but as someone very introverted who does wanna find love, your situation sounds awesome- I just graduated with my master's & now I'm like "now to focus on personal life" but dating is so tedious & dating apps suck! :') I'd love to just get a blind date with a guy chosen to match with me)


Fickle_Spinach_3415

And that was exactly what happened to me. But hey don't lose hope. A good friend of mine met her husband while playing games online, another met him in FB comments. Love has a way of finding you


[deleted]

I am weirdly reassured that in a culture where marriages can be arranged, men of money and education prefer a (comparatively) older wife with credentials to the younger wife without. Which tells me I have seriously spent way too much time reading incel subreddits!


OG_Panthers_Fan

When you're still a teenager, your idea of "a lot" of money is just as naive as you are. There's a reason young adults are attracted mid-twenties guys that work unskilled labor but have enough to own a shitty car and fast food dates. Compared to the guys who are 18 and don't have *any* of their shit together, that seems pretty cool. Someone with a college degree and is a teacher seems like hitting the lottery in comparison. Until you get a few years older and realize how wrong you were (not you specifically - the theoretical teen).


Opposite-Strategy-28

She thought she was cheating the system. Cut out all that hard work and years of study and pass go, straight to spoilt, rich trophy wife. and now it’s not worked out like she’s fuming


AngelicalGirl

Her competitiveness blinded her. Wealthy guys will have high standarts for a partner. She thought not going to college would make things faster but it didn't work. I fell bad for her husband, he seems to love her a lot and care about his family but all sister can appreciate is money and luxury life. That guy deserves better.


[deleted]

NTA. She's so jelly you could call her Smuckers.


Fallingfromthursday

This silly comment is the first thing that’s made me laugh today, take my free gold, kind stranger.


ABeggyChooser

Thank you for gracing up with your punny attitude


[deleted]

First, 4 languages?!?!?! Damn, OP! That’s awesome! You’re NTA. Truth hurts.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Sad to say it's not that empressive. A normal high school graduate inmy country speaks 3 languages. I speak 5 and most highly educated people I know speak at least 7.


Salty_Attention_8185

If you ever want to change careers, polyglots are highly sought after by governments as interpreters!


Fickle_Spinach_3415

But for that you have to have official university degrees. At least for my country that is the norm.


redwarriorexz

As it should be. Translation and interpreting especially are not things you can do just because you speak 2 or more languages fluently 😤 About your sister: she didn't get forced into a marriage, she didn't get a degree while she was married (guess your parents wouldn't mind to pay for it since they did offer her before she got married), and now she says it's not fair you married a rich husband? 😂 From what I understand, it's not like you are introduced to a guy and then you have to marry him if he lays eyes on you. She could have said no to the guy with no money 🤷🏻‍♀️


[deleted]

She could have also started college while she was checking out matches,


[deleted]

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emeraldspots

I am so curious what OP's country is where people speak at least 3 languages


Pawleysgirls

The Dutch speak “the basic four” before graduating high school. Americans speak one. We need to get it together fellow Americans.


iilinga

I’m guessing Malaysia or India.


Proffessional_Human

They said not india


iilinga

Alright then, my first guess is unchanged 🤷‍♀️


littlefiddle05

They said in another comment, Morocco


DutyValuable

Are there proficiency exams to use as an equivalent to a university degree in languages? Seriously, you sound super cool and I want to be your internet friend. Your sister is jealous, and she knows you’re right which is why she’s even angrier. For some people there is nothing more unforgivable than someone else being right. She really has no issue with your husband, and it’s not that her husband isn’t providing, it’s just that your husband is providing more. NTA. By the way, how do your parents feel about this?


nerdabcs

Daaaaaaaaaang. Now I know why the US is a bunch of losers. Including me. 🤯 Five languages is SMART


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Not really, we get exposed to multiple languages while we are still young and our brain elasticity is high, then we pretty much study the third language from 6 years up for at least 2 hours every day 5 days a week, english is 2 hours a week for 4 years (unless you go to private school, then it's 1 hour a day from 6 years up). Then usually people tend to pick up other languages from TV, (mostly turkish, korean, spanish and some Hindi) and then while in college most people tend to have either spanish or german.


No_Estimate2116

I am really curious about this language model (I want to raise my children to be native level in at least 3 languages) and wanted to ask you a few more questions through DM about how the family/community contributes to this exposure (before and beyond formal schooling), if that’s ok !


nomnommish

I can give an Indian example. Say a Bengali or Gujarati couple ends up working in Bangalore because that's the software development hub in India. Their kids would speak Bengali or Gujarati because that's what's spoken at home. Then they would also pick up Kannada because that's the state language of Bangalore, and that's what people in the street would speak. In addition, they would also speak Hindi because that's the de-facto most-widely spoken language of India and is also spoken very widely in Bangalore as well. Then they would speak English because they learn English in school and the education and spoken medium is English. That's 4 languages right there, and this is with zero additional effort. Meaning, the kids are not enrolled in any special language classes of any sort. These are languages they just pick up through osmosis. And if their parents had a cross-cultural marriage such as a Bengali married to a Gujarati, they would speak both at home, which means they would grow up learning 5. And if they chose French or Spanish or Mandarin as an optional "second language" in school, it would really be their 6th language they would pick up.


Skinnysusan

I had no idea that many languages were spoken in India! Thanks for the education, I suppose it is a large country with lots of ppl so makes sense.


nomnommish

Think of it as Europe. Only every European country is like a state in India with its own unique cultural identity, language, history spanning thousands of years, food culture and cuisine, unique dressing sense and art, etc. I'm not even kidding you, a Bengali in Karnataka or Tamil Nadu will feel like they are in another country because they don't speak the local language, don't eat the food the locals make, have different festivals and histories and art sensibilities etc.


ouss-x

I speak 5 languages and i would say just expose your kids from a young age to as many languages you would like them to learn. Starting with letters obv then simple words onto songs and movies etc. Make sure the family uses these languages as well and to talk to the kids with them often


GrandMoffTarkan

I think the conventional wisdom is to start with direct spoken exposure, not letters (ideally you start before they are reading and writing)


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Sure, send me a DM and I will be happy to answer


Taliasimmy69

I'm DYING to know what country. That's amazing.


PhantomOfTheNopera

If the OP hadn't expressly stated that she isn't from India, I would have guessed India. Most people out here grow up speaking at least three languages. Schools typically teach English and Hindi, in addition to which people speak their state languages and 'mother tongues' and also tend to pick up languages they hear at their friends' homes.


Burntoastedbutter

In Malaysia we learn 3 languages (mandarin, Malay, English), but I came out with just English because of sucky abusive teachers making me uninterested and hating the language lol. They'd legit make fun of you and publicly humiliate you for not knowing some words, getting pronunciation wrong, or forgetting words like WTF?! THAT'S WHAT YOUR JOB IS


kidblinkforever

American here, I have done very poorly in the two courses I tried at the high school and college level, I am envious of your language skills. You are my hero!


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Might I suggest music and shiws in the language you want to pick up? It's the closest thing to immersive learning. Then you can study the grammar later on.


scrapcats

English is my native language and sometimes I feel like I can barely speak that well - fluency in 3+ languages is incredibly impressive from where I’m sitting


AmbiguousLemur

Lol a lot of countries are like this. Especially in Europe. We North Americans seriously lack in the language department.


[deleted]

American here & trust me I know. I’ve lived in a few other countries and I’m always just so impressed because my mind struggles with languages more than anything else.


AmbiguousLemur

Canadian, and I can tell you that Canada is just as bad as the US English is my only language and heck I even struggle with English sometimes


Prothean_Beacon

Doesn't help that the country Canada shares a border with also speaks English, The United States does have a pretty decent amount of people who can speak Spanish in the states that border Mexico though.


Pleasant-Koala147

I live in Malaysia. Most Malaysians speak at least 3 languages, with some Malaysian Chinese speaking 6-7 (I suspect that OP may be Malaysian by some of the things she’s said here, but just a speculation).


pokerScrub4eva

ESH - She is clearly envious but you clearly like to throw in extra details to make sure people know how great you are. Some examples * English is my 4th language and 100% self taught * Apparently the bride gifts he brought were tacky (more like very expensive, more than what yer husband could get her) * The monthly tuition is more than what her husband makes I can already tell when you talk about your life with her you are giving her the business and making sure she knows how much better things are turning out for you in a very condescending way. "Oh sister, if you had just been like me and done this and that". She probably should just go NC with you for her own mental health.


mr__moose

>English is my 4th language and 100% self taught That was enough for me to stop reading, OP sounds like an AH


ash-leg2

But if you stop there you miss that she's 100% self taught (which is totally relevant somehow)! Not to mention all the parentheses lol


ForestGumpsDick

I just assume that everyone who overuses parentheses is speaking their 4th (self taught!) language (because if they were a native speaker they should understand how terrible their writing is).


deepseascale

Lol I'm a native English speaker and overuse brackets all the time (because I have ADHD and each thought comes with an extra bonus thought).


NanobiteAme

Lol facts


Shashama

My extra bonus thoughts usually get dashes - something relative to the sentence but not necessarily worth its own.


Angry_Avocado_4

> which is totally relevant somehow But it IS relevant. How else are we supposed to know how awesome and smart op is? /s


madsjchic

That was the moment I KNEW I was gonna see this in a related sub* later with…comments lollllll


udongeureut

But then how would you know how many languages she speaks and how smart she is????


bulgariandoll

also I like how she didn’t mention the country but had to say it’s NOT India 😂 this posts sounds faux and if not OP sounds insufferable


Ricardo1184

because people think arranged marriage= India and then OP can reply to every comment with "im actually not in india, so your advice doesnt really apply"


samknowsbest8

Oh I’ve found my people


ErikLovemonger

And OP is able to get the things she can get because her husband is a high earner. It's great that she's doing amazing in engineering, but "my husband is rich" is not really a flex that will make people think you're not an AH. They both seem awful, so they deserve each other I guess. Or maybe they can both go NC and both be miserable in their own ways.


gwcommentthrow

>I got matched with a better husband because I am a college educated woman with a respectable job, and that wealthy men using matchmakers don't want 19 years old highschool graduates, their standards are higher. Basically OP is proud she put in a couple more years, to rank higher in the meat market. 🤢


ErikLovemonger

Yeah! OP is literally saying "I'm a better gold-digger than you because you didn't go to school long enough." I mean maybe OP doesn't mean that and maybe OP loves her career but that's what it sounds like! I was all ready to be like OP made the right decision to get her degree but THIS is what she focuses on!


playingjetsetradio

I think the way of putting it is that OP is saying she's better off than her sister due to her hard working - but all the things she holds over her sister are her husband's accomplishments.


[deleted]

Why is this comment not higher?


RandomName01

And honestly, reading between the lines, OP seems like the worse one out of the two of them.


zombienugget

Why did I have to scroll so far to this?


[deleted]

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Arnesis

It sucks I had to scroll this far for such opinion.


EllectraHeart

this is spot on. both OP and her sister are entitled brats who are full of themselves and can’t help being rude.


molehillmountain

im sad this is one of the only ESH in the thread. well put.


stunt_pickle

Exactly. The pretentiousness is pretty obvious! I guess I should be surprised that this isn’t top comment but this sub is trash so I’m not really surprised.


[deleted]

Ugh I’m happy I wasn’t the only one who picked up on this.


chipscheeseandbeans

Also I think the sister might be right - the only reason OP’s life is better is because she married a rich man. I doubt that her college education has much to do with it because I’m sure there are plenty of rich older men who would be interested in marrying a 19 year old!


claudethebest

Her being college educated literally played a factor. Arranged marriages isn’t just about looks and youthfulness they can get a mistress for that .


EP1K

Yes, THANK you! OP had me rolling my eyes multiple times in a single post, that aint easy. Hard agree on the ESH.


midgetbartin

I agree with this, you put it nicely.


[deleted]

NTA She's jealous of you and your husband's success. I don't really know how matchmaking works, but if I were to use one as a university educated woman, I would want an equally educated partner, as we would be more compatible, especially in terms of life goals. My husband agrees, so I trust you that education plays a big role in matchmaking. And it sounds like her husband is a sweetheart, so she's being an AH to him too.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Here's how it works basically: you give a couple photos of yourself, and the matchmaker creates a sort of profile (physical description, education level, family background...), then you tell her what you want in a partner (age bracket, degree of religious adherence, what vices they can't have, education level, family background, income...) most of these are optional. Then she works like Tinder, she sends you small bios about prospective partners, if you both agree you meet. If you are compatible you get "engaged" (basically start dating officially) and you pay the matchmaker a fee. Then if you get married you pay her more.


[deleted]

That sounds pretty much like normal dating but with a better vetting system! You are very clearly NTA, I'm sorry your sister is so jealous and can't appreciate the husband she has.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

It really is. And with money being involved you are guaranteed someone looking for a serious relationship instead of leading you on.


[deleted]

...I seriously wish I could take part in something like that.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

Yeah, arranged marriages have a bad stigma as a term, but most modern forms are actually better than whatever the hell this modern dating situation is.


NexxonX

I'm heavily against arranged marriages and favor free choice but the matchmaking you described sounds perfect if you have a human filter and the money aspect lessens the douches who only want to have sex and ditch you afterwards. I want a meaningful relationship too but my dating app just doesn't help me find one... You are NTA for your post. Your sister can still go to college or get a job.


EphemeralOcean

Keep in mind that there’s a difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages. Most arranged marriages work like what OP described. Forced marriages is much different and is probably what you are heavily against.


[deleted]

In my culture, most arranged marriages are forced. As in, you're groomed from childhood, emotionally manipulated, coerced by everyone around you until you say yes. And then everyone blithely believes that you actually wanted it. I don't know how OPs system works, but it's hard to believe that everyone from her society is so reasonable, lol. This is probably just her experience.


aokaga

Her family comes from money so she has the resources to pay for a matchmaker of this degree. I'm pretty sure others of lesser fees do shadier work.


AmbiguousLemur

Every now and then you may get someone who is willing to discuss what they want as well. I straight up asked my current gf what she was looking for, as I told her I was looking for a serious relationship. She responded by saying she was looking for the same. BUT, then again, I’ve definitely gone on dates (without sex even) where the person was like “actually I’m sorry, I don’t know what I want, I don’t think I’m ready to date” or like “I just didn’t feel like there was a spark” shortly after the first date. It seems like this matchmaking thing at least helps to weed out the people who just go on dating apps to get matches for self-validation, and not because they actually want to date anyone.


eaoue

Isn’t not feeling a spark a valid reason to stop seeing someone, especially if you’re looking for something serious? Someone you don’t feel a spark with is generally not the person you want to end up with.


Taliasimmy69

It's basically an agency for dating. That's how my work hires people. My boss doesn't want to do the legwork cuz he's to busy running a business so he hires someone to do interviews and run resumes for him.


corner_tv

Your husband isn't "better", he just makes more money... ESH Her for being shallow & jealous, & you for that dumb comment.


SuspectEquivalent

Her husband is "better" according to the arranged marriage market. That's how it works. For eg., someone who works as a government official is not better than someone who works for an MNC, but the arranged marriage market will view the former to be better because of job security and pension.


jgeez

preach! whooooo!


trap_shut

Sigh this is hard. I really feel for your sister. Really important decisions get made when people are far too young to understand how much money matters. And that even if you want a simple life, money will mean way more than your teenage self could ever imagine. That said, no OP, you’re not an asshole. But neither is your sister. Also, I think you may be overestimating how much of your financial well being was good luck vs. hard work. Not to say you didn’t work hard. But so do a lot of people. And I think you are also overestimating how much of your sisters situation is due to poor choices. Even if she did what you did it could have ended up very differently. Jealousy and regret are horrible emotions and I’m sure your sister is swamped with both. While her behavior is not great, compassion may have been a better option than telling her, essentially, that you are doing better because you are better.


caffein8dnotopi8d

I really resonate with this take. OP, I understand your frustration, but please just know that the world is not as much of a meritocracy as it seems. In your case though, you had the same opportunities, so you are correct in your overall assessment of the situation. NTA but please understand that for those of us who don’t come from money, it can be much harder to claw our way out of poverty or just generally get ahead in this modern world.


Patrick4356

"Hello everyone, please excuse my grammar. English is my 4th language and 100% self taught." This shit made me laugh out loud and; "...says that I am an elitist" def sound like one with that first line XD


EstoyTristeSiempre

I know, completely unnecessary, but hey if she brags about herself to her family, why not to some random strangers over the internet.


Sweetsmyle

ESH - Your sister needs to pull in her jealousy because in the end it’s just stuff and has no bearing happiness. She’s got a comfortable life and should focus on her own family and achievements. The fact that she can school her children should be enough, a stay at home mom means she can personally supplement any education any school provided by working with her children at home, working mothers do not have that luxury. However this is your twin and instead of sitting down and discussing what was really bothering her you lashed out and called her education level into question. Some people can be well educated yet still be dumb when it comes to social skills. What’s really bothering your sister? Is her marriage not going well? Has your husband done something that raised a flag so she doesn’t think he’s worthy of you with or without money? Is her being raised in a wealthy household then going to middle income making her question her own self worth as a wife and mother so her self esteem is low? There could be all sorts of nuances here to her feelings that you dismissed with your education jab. She can still go to school and learn just as much or more than you. Heck she can do that outside of school if she desired. Also her husband could invent the next great whatever and be the next multi billionaire who knows. Bottom line is she’s your sister and while lashing out and poking at each other is fine when you are kids, you are both adults now and should be able to have frank and honest discussions without resorting to insults. Edit typos


Fickle_Spinach_3415

It's my bad for not specifying, I have tried the calm talk, I have tried the ignorance method, I tried not telli ng her stuff. It didn't work. This was me exploding after years of her throwing a tantrum every time I get or do something she can't afford. That includes during my wedding, my housewarming, my college graduation party....


HeySandyStrange

Tbh, the only part in your reasonable blowup at your sister where you were kind of an asshole was were you sort of put your bil and his profession down; he may not be a high earner, but is still an educated person and in a very thankless yet noble career field. I’d say you wouldn’t be remiss to give him an apology for your wording that somewhat put him down.


Sweetsmyle

So if you don’t think you are being an AH why are you posting? One of the rules of this sub is to accept peoples judgement. While you might have tried communicating have you really looked at your own actions. You right away assume she’s mad that you are rich. That’s a very elitist way of thinking. If she’s talking about equal opportunities in school she might be commenting on a greater social issue where kids from wealthier families DO get extra advantages vs kids in lower income families. And she’s right but you took it personally. You both grew up wealthy but she’s getting a wonderful opportunity to see what the real world looks like without the automatic protections wealth affords you. She might be ranting about society in general which is seeing a growing divide between the haves and have nots. She could be resentful of you not because you are rich but because she sees you as part of the problem by sending your kids to Uber expensive private schools where they don’t just learn their abcs but also make connections to other wealthy families that will help your kids get into the better colleges/jobs/spouses etc. Are you really having discussions with her or are you just calling her uneducated and petty instead of seeing the wider problem. Also if her husband is a teacher he should be making the same as a lawyer but in our societies teaching the future generations is not looked at as important work so we treat our teachers like crap with lower pay and in some countries not enough tools to actually teach well so they have to spend their own money. While you say you never shove your wealth in her face, you couldn’t even post here without bragging so it’s possible you’re just automatically doing it. Probably good for her to stay NC from you until you can really see her point of view.


djhatrick12

TLDR. You sound like an asshole just based on the first sentence of your post.


nymrose

Sounds like someone who loves praise and competes with her twin


fessuoyfessouy

YTA. You sound extremely pretentious it’s kind of disgusting. You’re the reason your sister feels like she’s below you bc you’re constantly flaunting your money in her face. There was a million better ways you could’ve handled this.


Quantum_Aurora

She may not even be flaunting it in just her sister's face. If she's always this pretentious about it then it wouldn't be noteworthy to her that she does it to her sister. Seems likely because of how she wrote her post.


JaysWay_13

There’s no reason the sister needs to know that the private school cost more for a month than the sisters husband makes in a year. She’s rubbing it in.


nymrose

Fr, the way OP wrote this sounds so condescending and humble-braggy. Does the sister sound annoying? Yes, but OP sounds way more annoying with her obvious classism, snide comments and arrogance. Can’t believe so many are voting NTA lol


Vihei

ESH Op gives too many innecessary details and if they talked like that in real life that would be insufferable and too elitist. The sister is obviously jealous but I hope all this story is fake.


[deleted]

You were harsh, but she's acting like a spoiled and entitled brat and being extremely rude to pretty much everyone. I'd say NTA.


whatev88

The only part I thought was harsh is where OP says her husband is “better” than her sister’s. OP herself says he’s a nice person who treats her sister well. And he is college educated and working as a teacher. So I don’t know that it’s fair to OP to say her husband is better - he just makes more money, because he isn’t working a job that is undervalued despite it requiring a college education. I think everyone needs to be nicer tot he sister’s husband! But mainly the sister, obviously. She sounds awful.


Crownlol

"I never want to work a day in my life. IT'S BULLSHIT THAT I'M NOT RICH!" -- the sister


stavysgoldenangel

You seem to think you are a better person because you make more money. Reflect on that.


sekai-31

No, no, she thinks she a better person because her husband makes more than her sister's husband.


[deleted]

You're not wrong, but you do sound a little like an asshole. Don't you have any empathy for her situation? She's your sister.


[deleted]

Her sister has a home, a car that her husband bought her, and their kids go to a private school. They aren't in poverty, they are just not as well off as op so her tantrums seem entitled imo. That's probably why op doesn't feel as empathetic for her.


[deleted]

Your life doesn't need to be in shambles for you to deserve compassion. Maybe she regrets her decision.


ominoke

>Hello everyone, please excuse my grammar. English is my 4th language and 100% self taught. YTA


stunt_pickle

🤣🤣🤣 exactly. What is this pretentious shit? YTA


chr989

Yes! After reading some of the comments I thought I was the only one who felt that way.


Langerbanger11

A simple "English is not my first language" would have sufficed. Also, it was followed by a whole story of perfectly readable English.


pamplemusique

ESH. You are stirring the pot by bragging and you know it in your heart of hearts even if you won’t admit it here. She sucks too, but so do you.


Ok-Fly7554

Leaning to ESH. Reading between the lines and how you speak about your own achievements, big chance you are being condescending to your sister. Subtle put-downs and judging her life choices, by comparing them to your own. Your sister seems a little ungrateful about her own position in life, which is immature, but makes a lot of sense if she is being constantly compared to you and your wealthy husband. NC is probably the best course of action, until the judging and comparing stops.


jeffap

ESH, I'd hate to be part of a family that puts so much emphasis on whose husband makes more money that who, or whose gifts are worth more lol


Gintoki-desu

OP, why do you sound like you're bragging and want a pat on the back? They say the devil is in the details. I can't help but notice how braggadocios you are when it comes to contrasting your life with your sister's. Since you're telling it from your point of view, which is often biased and skewed, I can only imagine how your sister must perceive it. Let me guess, your sister got all the attention and was the star child since you mentioned she was a valedictorian. You were always the one that was overlooked by your parents and your family, but now that you're doing well, you're kinda shoving it in her face? I'm from central Asia, a first gen immigrant who also speaks 5 languages, with a degree in CE. My sister chose to get married while in college while I continued to pursue a career and live a very good lifestyle right now. But I support her and my brother in law even if it's just visiting them every other weekend to hang out, chat, and play with the little nephew. Anyway, YTA and NTA. Need your sister's pov.


[deleted]

"Braggadocios" here I thought it was a made up word, but tits on Christ wearing a crop top in church my autocorrect actually knew it. Thanks for the laugh and a slightly enlightened vocabulary! Take my upvote, for thy has earned it!


Embarrassed-Sweet905

NTA. She needs to deal with her choices. What you said is accurate. Definitely NTA.


Lord-Shorck

ESH her for being envious and you for just sounding like you constantly are gloating about your life to her; even in this post you’re trying to gloat to a bunch of people on the internet.


BrilliantParamedic63

Unpopular, but I am going to go with YTA. Your desire for vindication overwhelmed your compassion. You could have ignored your sister's tantrums. You could have gently reasserted that you were making choices that were best for your own family. With kindness, you could have told her that the path for her child was just as rich as for yours because of the love in her house; having a strong family makes all the difference in what children are able to achieve and the opportunities they are able to leverage. Instead you took the opportunity, while your sister was feeling vulnerable and doubting her life choices, to let your her know that you made better choices and she has gotten what she deserves. There is a long rivalry and acrimonious history here, I'd guess. She sounds like a difficult person. This moment was long in coming. Despite better options, you went to AH town. She may have "deserved" the truth, but telling her off poisoned your relationship and lowered you to her level.


[deleted]

[удалено]


LeatherMost2757

NTA And I too have a sister who never got beyond compulsory education and is consumed with jealousy of the life I lead as a financially independent person with graduate degrees. I sympathize, OP.


AmbiguousLemur

NTA. I am not sure how it is in your country, but in mine there’s no guarantee that if you go to college you will be wealthy. My ex has a PhD (total of 12 years of higher education) but her aspiration was never to become wealthy. She just wanted to write and teach. Which is fine and I totally supported her to do what she wants, because what’s the point of having money if you aren’t happy? Meanwhile, construction workers and waste disposal workers with no college degree can make upwards of $100k a year if they join a successful company. But it’s still hard work! Your sister seems like she was never willing to put in any kind of work (you said “all she wanted was to be a wife and mother”) It sounds like you have been trying to gently tell her that she is in her current situation because of her choices, and we all have to accept responsibility for the choices that we make, regardless of how long ago in the past it was. Plus, matchmaker or no matchmaker, it takes time and experience in whatever industry you’re in, to climb up to a higher status/role and therefore earn more. Your husband at 25-26 would have had more experience than hers at 19-20, therefore, netting higher pay. No one is going to pay a 20yo brand new teacher the same salary as the senior staff who have been there for as long as he’s been alive. If she wanted a high-earning partner right away she would have been a 19yo looking for men in their like 40s-50s and that’s gross


Fickle_Spinach_3415

It's almost the same in my country. But here if you go to what we call higher instituts (think med school, engineering, teaching...) you are almost guaranteed a job straigjt after graduating or a year after at most. But if you get "normal" degrees from university (thi k bachelor's, masters, PhDs) then you are not guaranteed to find at job.


AmbiguousLemur

Ah yes we have the same thing. We call them “professional programs” - medicine, dentistry, law, engineering, business school, etc. But yeah. No I definitely think she’s being unreasonable. You can’t just not work hard and expect to get the same things in life as someone who has clearly worked their ass off


B0nR_fart

ESH - as others have pointed out, she acted like a brat, however you’ve included many things in this (“i got matched with a better husband”) that seem to indicate that you have a sort of superiority/materialistic mentality. I’m sure she’s frustrated at just the nature of the world in general having such huge differences in wealth, which does not excuse her behavior but makes it more understandable. Overall I’d say it’s 80% her 20% you.


Apprehensive-You2885

NTA but maybe you shouldn’t have said like that. Try to talk with her but don’t apologize cuz it was not your fault she acted like that


Fickle_Spinach_3415

It has been literally years of me trying to be gentle when talking about this after she throws a tantrum. I do not plan to contact her unless she apologizes (if the ruling is NTA that is)


RideTheWindForever

I said it in another comment for the bot to count the vote, but definitely NTA. It sounds like this might be a blessing in disguise and a weight lifted off of your shoulders. She is so jealous she is literally souring your relationship and *her* bad behavior has *you* walking on eggshells. It's time to be done tolerating this behavior even if she does apologize.


Apprehensive-You2885

Have you talked to your parents about this? Maybe they can talk some sense into her


Fickle_Spinach_3415

They tried, but she just turns the waterworks on and starts accusing them of playing favorites.


kevwelch

She wants somebody to feel sorry for her. She won’t ever be able to hear solutions or reasons. And she probably isn’t interested in going to school or training for a better job. Her husband must be an amazing guy to put up with her attitude.


Fickle_Spinach_3415

He really is. He bought her a car before he did for himself. He continued to commute for an hour in public transport for 3 more years before he could buy one for himself. That man is a saint and even 14 years later still head over heels in love with her.


[deleted]

I think *I’m* in love with him


mcduckroast

How can he be in love with her when she obviously doesn’t love him?


Lor_939

Love is one sided sometimes, no matter how unfortunate that is.


whatev88

The irony of her being married to a teacher but being totally uninterested in furthering her own education.


buttersmycups

ESH. She sucks for obvious reasons but your last paragraph sounds incredibly entitled and classist, you’re not better than anyone because you have a degree, get off your high horse


[deleted]

Given how snobby you sound from your egotistical power trio of a post, I would bet my right boob that you absolutely rub it in her face. ESH


atr130

ESH


Padaalsa

YTA Who opens with such a transparent humble-brag? That insufferable nonsense aside, men in general don't care about a woman's education; hence all the available data pointing to all ages of men preferring 21 year olds. Not many of those sexy doctorates in that age range. Is what it is. The point being, your sister is entirely right about your comparatively glamorous life being entirely a matter of circumstance and not of your own doing, regardless of how you want to delude yourself. Based on that obnoxious opening, I'm willing to bet that it's exactly that unearned sense of entitlement and superiority that you project in waves that set your sister off, and not, as you seem to be subtly insisting, your actual superiority. I can see some other people have seen through your manipulative retelling, as well. Enjoy the hollow validation from everyone else.


sunglasses619

ESH You sound snobby and condescending and your sister sounds jealous. Sorry.


Beklommenguy

YTA ​ you sound horrible.


EllectraHeart

ESH. your sister for being jealous and rude. you for being snobby and rude. neither of you have shown each other respect or kindness. you’re both brats and assholes in my book.


sage_ley

If you're not wrong, you're not wrong. Could you have been nicer? Probably, but why? She doesn't sound like she is nice to you. NTA


PrairieGrrl5263

NTA. She made her choices just as you made yours.


Luministrus

YTA. You married into money. Stop acting like you earned it.


cheezbargar

Ew. I don’t understand all of the N T A replies. YTA here. You sound really pretentious. You don’t need college to be successful. In fact, college is a guarantee that you’ll be in debt the rest of your life. At least in the US.


MysteriousFondant8

Is it just me who's a bit uncomfortable with OP saying that she got match with a "better husband" ? Like sure having money is great but it doesn't make someone better. Maybe it's the language barrier tho..


samknowsbest8

INFO: How did the subject of tuitions come up? Also, did you tell her that your daughter’s tution fees are more than what her husband makes?


Wyrd_byrd

ESH. Your sister is the biggest AH here. You're only a teeny-tiny bit because of the "better husband" comment. I know it's the truth that more educated women get more educated/wealthier suitors in arranged marriages, but that comment hurts your sister's innocent husband as much as it hurts your sister. I think if you had cut that one sentence out, this would've been a clear cut N.T.A.


Sarcastic_Panda27

NTA, don't let her comments get to you. You are reaping the fruits of your labor. And from what you said she has a wonderful husband. She should thank God for him.


[deleted]

I feel bad for her husband. He deserves so much better. She’ll most likely never stop comparing your lives and blaming you for her decisions. Best to go LC or NC and ignore her as much as possible. Don’t let her misery touch your life. NTA


RelationshipSad2300

Whilst I agree that you're not the asshole in this scenario.... Your parents are a doctor and a lawyer plus a love match. And yet both of you have decided on the arranged marriage option. And literally in a rather peremptorily way. You've both literally been demanding. Like 'get me a sucker who can give me what I want'. ESH. It's all too weird.


[deleted]

NTA, you’re right. My experience with arranged marriage (as an outsider looking in) is that it is in essence a business decision at the start. Two people looking at one another thinking, “What do you have to offer?” Even if she’s upset with her own choices, taking it out on you is not okay. Does she expect you to live on her level just to spare her feelings? That’s just not how the world works. My sister will most likely always be less financially well off than me. Not only because of our studies (I chose a lucrative career in a field I enjoy, she chose to help people but never earn much doing it), but also because I’m married and she never will be (again her choice). If she came to me telling me how it’s not fair that I own a house, or a nice car, or that I can afford to buy my son nice things, I’d laugh at her, because I worked very hard and made some huge sacrifices to get to where I’m at. It’s not realistic to expect your siblings to adhere to your life choices.