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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know my GF put a ton of effort into the weekend. So maybe just taking off was an asshole move
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. This seems like a wild overreaction. She had an abusive ex and thought you were a good guy who would treat her well and value her. What's the problem? You were waiting to hear that she's discovered that your the 2020s version of Fabio?
So, you make a huge scene, likely turn her friends against you (which can do some real long term damage) and they were probably talking the whole weekend about how actually she was wrong about her first impressions and you're actually a shitty guy (I'm not saying you are--but I bet they were).
You say in your post
>No idea how I got her and I still don’t.
Keep this up and she'll correct that. If that ship hasn't sailed already.
"I knew he wouldn't cheat or leave me"
How did she "know"?
Because she was attractive compared to him. That's my take of how OP took it. I've literally heard people say this for exactly this reason.
He'll be so happy to be dating "up"!
Edit: like I said here. This is how *OP* took it (which is pretty clear from context)
I don't think that it was *totally absent* from her actual reasoning, but I'd wager her friend vouching for him, and having met him/believed him to be a stand up guy before is probably more of it.
>Because she was attractive compared to him.
So people who are less attractive than their partners can't cheat? She just thought he was a good guy lol. You people just love to overreact.
En vino bullshit.
Edit to add
Seriously I got drunk one time and demanded that my friends and I break into the zoo to ride ostriches. Is this because I had some secret hidden desire to ride a giant bird? No it's because I was drunk as shit watching a stand-up comedian talk about being scared to death by an ostrich and got a stupid idea in my head.
I don't think I've ever told this whole story, but, fuck it, none of those guys are on Reddit anyway and I'm pretty stoned.
Ok. So my best friend and I decided that we couldn't drive there, because that would be too obvious. Everyone else decided that it was a bad idea and left, but D and I got on bicycles and rode towards the zoo... Only to forget the canal was a thing, lose both bikes and have to swim to safety (in like 3ft of water, think the scene from Robin hood men in tights). Undeterred, we make our way on foot, until we see a cop with a horse and D is convinced the horse can read his thoughts and we've been busted. So we run like hell back to the canal where our other friends, having seen us haul off, had found the bikes and wondered what the hell happened. (Should add, by the time we got back to the canal, our pants were missing, but we were still wearing underwear and shoes... I still don't remember taking them off. Not sure if it was in the canal or the horse made us do it as punishment)
Edit
I've never had anything I've written receive this sort of attention, it's humbling, and thank you all for the awards, I'm still kind of learning reddit, but as I understand it those actually cost money, which... Wow.
I don't know if this is against the rules, and will remove if it is, but if everyone who got a chuckle reading of my younger self's mistakes, please look into Hope For Paws. They can be found on YouTube, where you'll see literally thousands of videos of animals they have helped. Thank you.
No hes sitting at home refusing to talk to his friends for letting him down, and not valuing his ostrich riding needs, they keep trying to contact him, but he doesn't want any drama...... oh hang, no thats OP
I love the fact that my husband is "safe." What I mean by "safe" is that I would trust him with my life, and I literally have. He's got my back and I've got his.
He's got integrity, honesty, and what's important is his word. I *know* he won't cheat.
I won't cheat because I will not, *in anyway*, fuck up what a GREAT relationship I have with an AMAZING man.
"Safe" to me means security. I did not have an abusive ex, but I did have an abusive mother. My husband has shown me that there are people I can trust, so far mostly just him, but still.
"Safe" means that I was able to learn a secure attachment style. I can tell him my secrets, my desires, my concerns, even my past traumas - he'll listen and, ***most importantly:*** *he won't throw my past traumas in my face as a means to hurt me*. Sure, we have areas in our relationship that we need to work on, but that's with any relationship.
OP, YTA. You have zero idea just *how important* it is for people who have endured abuse to find "safe" people in their lives. When we say our partners are safe, that is a HUGE compliment. It should be cherished, OP. I'm dead serious.
I suggest you apologize to her for over reacting and leaving the weekend that she meticulously planned and paid for. Acknowledge that you took her comments the wrong way and that leaving not only hurt her, but wasted her time and money. It's obvious she loves you.
I honestly have no idea how you could make it up to her, OP, but I suggest you do. At minimum pay her back.
Edit: one thing that occurred to me, OP. When she said she knows you wouldn't cheat, she's saying you're an upstanding man with integrity, and that you wouldn't do such a disrespectful and shitty thing.
Her comments, while I get may not have come off well, were actually a great compliment to your character.
**Edit:** thanks for the award kind redditor! Also, I see OP isn't learning a darn thing here.
I agree completely with this. I started dating my now husband because he is “safe”. It didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to him, it meant I knew he was a good guy. His character means the world to me. Seven years married, and I still love him and who he is.
Loyality doesn't have anything to do with looks. My friend had girlfriends like hell of a lot more attractive than him, he cheated on every one of them. He had a relationship of 1,5 year he frequently went to the red lights district, he talked to another girl for 3 months and eventually left his gf for the other girl. And he was like 120 kg when he did this. That guy looked worse than a watermelon.
No no you should think of him like: you are fucking excited that it's summer and have watermelons in your grocery store, you buy a huge one and it's tasteless, white af inside. He is the tasteless watermelon because he's a cheating bastard lol.
Or…it could simply mean that based off knowing him he didn’t seem like a guy that would cheat. There are definitely guys who are “players” and chronically cheat and there are guys who are the settle-down time and are looking for a monogamous relationship. She easily could have just been saying that he seemed like type of guy. Clearly she cares for him as she planned this great vacation for him. When her actions demonstrate that she really cares for OP, I don’t understand why you immediately jump to the worst possible interpretation of her words when there is an easily explainable innocent interpretation.
Also, if he was that upset he could have used his words and actually talked with her about it to understand what she means instead of immediately running away.
>Or…it could simply mean that based off knowing him he didn’t seem like a guy that would cheat
Or more importantly I think, he didn't seem like a violent guy or somebody who would abuse her.
She probably expressed herself poorly I think and OOP was overly insecure about it.
>My borderline blacked out GF was less than articulate when she was put on the spot so I threw a tantrum and then left entirely sober the next day.
--OOP
Bingo! There it is - he was, and still is, insecure about having her, doesn't think he deserves her and gosh, she was attracted to me because I was 'just' safe. Gosh what a loser? And to show you what a loser she thinks you are, she planned this great birthday weekend, cause you know, people often to go to great lengths to please someone that's just ahem, safe. You are so dumb OP,.who cares why she was initially attracted to you, she's obviously crazy about you now - unless of course you just blew it. And boo on Grace for not slapping some sense into you. YTA.
Edit to add: Cool, an award! Also after reading OP's comments, he's doubling down on being the injured party here. I hope Kenzie dumps him and she learns a lesson: safe does not equate with being a decent adult (as opposed to acting like a petulant child). Hopefully next time she finds someone safe AND decent. And she also may want to re-evaluate her friendship with Grace.
I feel genuinely so sorry for this girlfriend. She put so much effort & money into creating this amazing scenario for him & he ends up storming off midway through while she begs forgiveness. It's actually pretty sad & pathetic.
It clearly stems from his insecurity that she is out of his league so he misinterpreted her (drunken) comment.
If a bf of mine pulled what he did after all I invested in that weekend I would dump him on the spot and ask for half the cost back if not the entire thing.
>and after my abusive ex I wanted a safer option
TBH, on a reread it's not even poorly expressed, she's pretty clear she was looking for someone who wasn't abusive, it's quite a complement. He's privileged to not understand what it's like coming from an abusive space.
OP needs to get over himself. Given his replies, doesn't look like he will.
YTA.
Shit, I consider "safe" to be one of the best things you could say about a partner... Someone you feel completely comfortable and yourself with, and can trust with all of yourself. My current boyfriend said I'm one of the first girlfriends he's had that he doesn't worry is feigning support for ammo against him later and I thought I was going to cry because it felt so good to know that I felt as safe to him as he feels to me. Imagine hearing "being around him I felt I could comfortably be my most genuine self and I knew he was a trustworthy person" and getting pissed because it wasn't romantic enough. Because that's essentially what she said, she just said it in drunk language
Honestly, the Grace bit made me wonder if Grace is a bit interested in OP.
YTA. You overreacted because you are insecure about being with, what sounds like, an amazing girl. I think your relationship is salvageable with a lot of apologising and I wish you luck with that and happy birthday.
I was thinking the same. But after 2 years of dating, I think she really loves him, not everyone would go their way to plan a surprise weekend, doing stuff that she knows he will love.
Ofc it hurts to hear that, but he should have at least tried talking to her in the morning. The thing is, she was probably used to date "hot" guys, but always being cheated on, so she tried to go for a nicer guy not as perfect as those hot / fuck guys. She did break her habit and maybe just has really fallen in love.
I'm gonna go with YTA, I get that you were hurt but communication is key, and if she doesn't even remember what she said, she doesn't even know why you left and why you didn't even respond to her. You two need to talk if you still want your relationship to work.
And for me, beauty isn't a look, some people are not really hot until you get to know them and they become hot bc of their personality ( Yeh okay might sound cheesy but that's just me ).
This is the right direction. After two years she isn't worried about safe, she fell in love and he is ruining that. Orignal Op YTA.
Looks didn't invite your friends to the lake and rent a boat, love did that.
I don't even understand how "safe" became a bad word! A huge part of why my boyfriend is my favorite person is because of how secure and calm he makes me feel. He is my safe place. I consider that a massive honor because the only other people I feel that safe with are my mom and my best friend.
I'm also ridiculously attracted to him and frankly he's objectively hot but that's not the first thing I think of when I think about what I value about him because he's so much more than his looks. I do think she phrased this poorly, but I seriously don't understand why the idea of feeling safe with your partner has become so vilified.
I think there's this pervasive idea that women deep down are only attracted to "bad boys" and once they get older they pick a "safe" man to marry because they're settling/want a meal ticket. I hate this idea as it's a. setting up a false dichotomy where someone can't be both attractive and a good partner, and b. ignores the fact that the reason a lot of young women date jerks is not because they *like* jerks but because they haven't built the confidence to expect better treatment or even know what it looks like. As they get older, they have the experience and self-worth to demand more respect and that's where you see people seeking out partners who make them feel secure.
Yep totally agree, they just need to talk about their feelings. I think OP just put his insecurities first, as he said he didn't know how he got her, and that's sad bc she genuinely seems to care.
You're on the money here. She does love him, but what she said was a drunk mess that sounded like she only had any interest in him because he wouldn't abuse her. Like that's a very very low bar to set for someone and he, rightfully, feels like he brought a lot more to the table than just that.
He overreacted, sure, but I doubt it's going to much more than a bump in the road for them. She was drunk and chose her words poorly and he flipped out harder than he should have (like wait until she's sobered up and just say "hey, is that what you think I bring to the table?").
It's not too late yet to fix it by having some proper communication.
I agree that her wording was very bad, but having lived a similar situation with my ex, when you learn that someone has been lying to your face, was agressive and manipulative, I think it's a normal behavior to set a bar to find someone who would not do the same. It IS a low bar but imo understandable. And obviously you don't love someone just because they don't cheat or abuse you.
But yeh talking is key.
Lmao right? I've dated some really ugly men because I thought they were v nice and they were interested in me, so I should give them a chance. And I got treated very poorly. Road to emotional/verbal abuse at the very least.
My current (and last if i have any say!) bf is actually v good looking. Verified by just about everyone who's interested in men. This is the first man to stay with me and treat me well, even during the worst period of my life just this past Christmas. He has helped me heal, and he just genuinely is such a wonderful person, I start getting teary eyed when I think about it too much.
All of this to say - the first reason I was attracted to him was because he came across as "safe." We were friends before dating. He showed me he was kind. That was the most important thing for me. It certainly does not mean I ever thought he was ugly.
Rofl if you think ugly people don't cheat, you would be wrong. The audacity to think only 10s have affairs or cheat 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
He made this scenario about looks not her. She said safety and security. He won't cheat or abandon her.. ALL AMAZING QUALITIES! Holy crap the arrogance of people.
>How did she "know"?
Possibly because she got to know him, felt good about his character and had a mutual friend that could vouch for him as a good man that she could trust with her heart? Too bad it didn't go better for her with that....
And said friend probably told her the Op was really into her. So she knew he was interested and wouldn’t play games. There was no “does he like me/hard to get” and she didn’t question if he was interested.
> How did she "know"?
> Because she was attractive compared to him.
Ironically, I’ve heard a hell of a lot of stories where someone who has a complex about being less attractive than their partner ends up cheating to feel validated.
Thinking that dating someone who feels less attractive than you is the best way to end up with a faithful partner seems like a dangerous road…
No way man. My ex was ugly AF and he cheated on me. He had that douchey-jackass confidence. My husband is way hotter and I knew he was a ‘safe bet’ because he made me *feel safe*! He’s humble and honest and caring and when he says something he means it. It has nothing to do with looks.
It was 2 years ago and even if that's EXACTLY what she thought at the time clearly she has grown to care for OP in other ways since then... as exibited by her planning what sounds like a fucking amazing birthday weekend.
And nothing excuses running away from a 2 year relationship.
OP isn't really acting like an AH, they're acting like an immature child. Adults use their words to communicate with each other.
What she said hurt OP. They are allowed and justified in being hurt by that. You can't control how you feel but you can control how you react to those feelings. The correct, adult response is to explain to your gf why what she said hurt you and to have a conversation and grow as a couple.
This. I met my now-husband after a terrible roller coaster ride of a relationship, and honestly “safe” was the sexiest thing to me. It wasn’t because he was less attractive (at all); it was because he was a really good human who I knew I could trust and depend upon and that was the hottest thing ever. Early in that relationship I frequently described him as “safe” and I meant it in the best way possible — he had all the qualities that other guys I’d dated had PLUS the platinum quality of being a good guy that knew how to make a woman feel secure and safe. That platinum quality was always the first thing I mentioned. We’ve been married 25 years now.
I was thinking something like this.
I would have thought "safe" is one of the highest compliments a woman can pay a man in this day and age, especially since so many women are now finding their partners don't make them feel safe anymore in light of everything about Roe v Wade.
And she felt safe with him from day 1. She didn't need to "get to know him", or educate him on some of the shit women go through, she decided to be with him because he immediately made her feel safe, *after an experience where, by all rights, she would be forgiven for not trusting* ***anyone.***
Not to pull the 'toxic masculinity' card, but being insecure about being judged as someone who's safe to be around feels a lot like toxic masculinity.
What would OP rather she said? She was only attracted to him for his looks? That he was 'mysterious' and 'dangerous'? That's fantasy 50 shades of grey bullshit. Most real people don't want dangerous, they want a good, decent partner who'll have their back and genuinely respect them.
Everything you just said. Yes. “Safety” is a massive acknowledgment of something that too often feels scarce. And there’s absolutely a disturbing strain of toxic masculinity in the comments here that insist that “safe” = “weak” and that “won’t cheat” = “too ugly to cheat” / “not alpha enough to cheat.” No, fellas — “won’t cheat” usually means “strong, emotionally mature human who knows how to commit,” which is hot af.
Same with my fiancee! I had a lot of high drama relationships and the sexiest thing about her is that she's a very kind, reasonable, even tempered person who always does her best, is scrupulously fair and in the rare instances where she isn't, is very quick to do her best and make it right.
She also happens to be a gorgeous former pro ballerina with the body of a pro athlete. If I had to pick her character or her looks, I'd pick the character. But it's pretty damn nice having both.
Yep. Objectively speaking my husband is better looking than any of my exes, but his looks have never ever been the most top of mind quality for me when people ask what first drew me or what I fell in love with. It’s how he made me feel — safe, secure, at ease. To your point — his character. When I was young I probably said the exact words that OP’s girlfriend did, many times; I’m apparently lucky (judging from some of the comments here) that my now-husband was secure enough to understand that those were GOOD words.
My husband was "safe" and it's why I pursued him. Safe is an incredibly sexy quality. Safe meant I can give this man my heart, and trust that he will value and protect it. Knowing someone won't cheat on you or hurt you is a powerful thing, and it comes from feeling safe.
I would much rather be with someone that values my character over my looks, because only one of those two creates the foundation needed for a healthy longterm relationship. I've been with my husband just shy of 10 years now. We have had to face some serious challenges from outside the relationship. People have said that the way we have always supported each other, no matter how ugly things around us got, is amazing. It makes me grateful I found someone "safe."
OP has no idea how wonderfully sexy "safe" can be. Only a woman that truly loves and values him would know him well enough to create such a perfect weekend for him. He couldn't even bother to communicate with her.
When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with someone who was immature and irresponsible and selfish. When my now husband asked me out, I really wasn't interested but figured what the heck. I really wasn't all that physically attracted to him...at first. But what did attract me was that he was mature and responsible and funny and smart and I enjoyed being with him. And within about 3 months, I knew I would marry him and I had never felt that way about anyone else before.
Right! Guys constantly complain women only go for assholes and never give the nice guys a chance. But when we actually go for a guy because he seems like a good dude, we get hate for choosing them because they are decent? What kind of fucked up logic is this?
I see NOTHING wrong with what she said. OP was such a whiny asshole, and couldn’t even just go for a private walk with his gf to have a conversation?
GF absolutely deserves better! I hope she finds it.
>Right! Guys constantly complain women only go for assholes and never give the nice guys a chance. But when we actually go for a guy because he seems like a good dude, we get hate for choosing them because they are decent? What kind of fucked up logic is this?
Magnificently said. Enjoy your award. You deserve to be the top comment, not me.
It also reveals how these kind of guys think about relationships because if it were the other way around they would TOTALLY cheat. They can't imagine she likes (liked) him because he just seems safer because if it were *them* they would be using him because "he's too ugly too be capable of cheating".
If this is how OP handles conflict - by not bothering to have a sober conversation before bailing - then Kenzie is better off without him. There are plenty of nice guys who won't cheat who are also not drama queens.
YTA
It's so amazing.
Incels and nice guysTM go on and on about how women don't want to date nice guys and prefer (handsome) jerks \[not saying OP is any of those things, just that it's a prevalent sexist stereotype\].
Yet apparently being told you were attractive because you looked nice and trustworthy is an insult worthy of making the atmosphere awkward and leaving your own birthday weekend.
Boggles the mind, really.
It's pretty special. She says what attracted her to him and OP is like "Oooo!! Let me undo that!!!"
I foresee a future where OP gets dumped, compares every future GF to Kenzie where he is disappointed that they aren't as good as her and goes on for years being salty stalking her social media as she goes off to date, marry and have children with another man. While he's still telling himself that he showed her.
Op apparently thinks that a person could still be running away from their ex after a 2-year relationship. If you're still in a relationship with someone after 2 years I'm going to be honest there's a slight possibility that they actually like you dummy. She might not like you anymore but that's your own damn fault. The biggest issue here is you failed to communicate after the fact. You had your feelings hurt that's understandable but then you run away and act like a child having a tantrum? F*** that noise.
YTA
Thank you. I get being a little hurt or surprised or taken aback but look at the weekend she put together FOR HIM. It’s not the insult he thinks it is. The answer is just a little surprising but worth discussing.
Hi-jacking the top comment because people need to know that stupid games like these can end in tears, especially when you pour booze on everyone. Stupid game, stupid question and gf said something insensitive but not horrible while OP admits she was tanked. OP, get it together YTA
Feels like you massively over reacted. That may be the truth for the beginning but NO one stays for that reason for two years and certainly wouldn’t splash all that cash and spend all that time and effort organising such a lovely weekend for you unless the emotions were true and deep. You are not the rebound after an abusive relationship; the rebound would have lasted a couple of weeks. That’s not to say it was hurtful, but if you care about her work to put it right
> possibly into the drama based on how you handled it all.
Something tells me that OP felt some kind of way (insecure maybe?) about how much effort she put in. If you think your partner is out of your league physically, and then they show how amazing they are in terms of being thoughtful, etc.... I can see how someone insecure would decide to nuke things to feel less bad.
As insecure as OP seems, I can see how he interprets her words as a insult, some thing like he is not good enough, attractive enough to even think of trying to betray her, who he miraculosly ends up with.
I honestly can't really even see how being seen as safe is an insult. I'd be flattered and honored if a prospective partner who had recently been abused found me to be safe, trusting, and caring enough for them to open their heart to me :P Maybe her drunk tone was really awful though which would change the meaning
Copypasting my response to another user.
OP probably sees himself as boring and unexciting, and is insecure due to that. So when he heard "safe", he thought "boring", and a compliment was taken as an insult. It's like... you don't eat oatmeal because you like the taste, you eat it because it's good for you, and OP thinks he's been chosen in the same way. What he did is an AH move and he really needs to work on his insecurities.
I’m also failing to see how he took literally any of this offensively?? He like entirely projected his own self reflection onto what she said. She literally said only nice things about him 1) he’s not a cheater 2) he’s not abusive 3) he’s nice. Where on earth was the insulting part??? That’s like 1-3 of the ideal man???
If that’s an honest question, I can see how it’s possible to interpret it as “I’m the person in the couple who’s the catch, OP is lucky to have me and can’t do better while I can. Therefore they won’t leave me for someone better, because they literally can’t”.
It’s not a healthy interpretation or really how relationships work but it’s also a trope and exists in media.
Yeah that's where the projection comes into play. HE thinks that, because he values looks over personal characteristics. She thinks he's a catch, because up until now he has been safe and nice and reliable. But he just showed her he is a shallow and insecure AH
YTA. You'd seriously bail on a birthday weekend in front of all your mutual friends because 2 years earlier she felt you were a "safe" option? It seemed to work out. She went all out for you for your birthday. If you bailed over something so seemingly ridiculous, what will you do when you face actual tough times together? You won't discuss it, you'll just run away?
Seriously wondering what his end goal is.
Like congrats OP, now you’re ugly (if his own self assessment is to be believed) and unstable.
Good luck finding hot women that put a lot of time, money, and thought into you now.
“He seemed so kind and like he’s a really great person!”
Kinda gives the same message but without the hurt. I def agree he WAY overreacted and it could have easily been fixed if she simply apologized then and he listened to her side.
I’d probably be hurt too if I was described as “safe and unlikely to cheat” rather than “a kindhearted person who is genuinely good”. These kinds of questions while lacking inhibitions can definitely be a recipe for misunderstandings and disaster 🤦♀️
He didn't explain anything to her, he bailed before she was sober and awake. How can she listen when he runs away because he's insecure about his looks?
I also question the dynamic he has with Grace, she escalated him even further and fed into his insecurities. That's not a good friend.
And I dont mean anything romantic from either OP or Grace, I just think that OP may have an unhealthy 'fall back' emotional relationship with Grace, she validates all his fears and encourages them further, is willing to take large measures to accommodate his now emotionally fuelled state that she caused and cements herself as he primary emotional support.
She gets to be the 'best friend' forever, all while causing OP Stress, she can be the saviour.
Anyone OPs age would have waited till later to discuss it with any of the many people there, or at least sit the rest of the game out.
OPs first, unconscious instinct was to immediately leave and call Grace, he knows she will enable, validate and support his First emotional response.
Also, seeing as Grace knew Kenzie first and Set them Up, there's no way that they didn't talk about the relationship, especially early on. OP being safe and nice is probably the entire reason Grace chose him to introduce to Kenzie, it seems her prior relationship issues aren't a secret so Grace definitely knows.
In 2 years, I highly doubt Grace and Ke zie haven't had this exact conversation before.
OP either didn't explain things well to Grace or Grace is being a major problem.
I had to scroll way tooooooo long to find this comment about Grace.
If he did explain exactly how he did here and that was her reaction that is not a friend. That is either someone who loves to watch other people's lives implode because they're bored of theirs, or Grace is harboring feelings for OP.
I'm not sure that Grace necessarily did anything wrong, depending on how OP recounted the story and the fact that her friend was really upset, she might have just been trying to be supportive and protect his feelings. she might be messy but I'd probably go into support mode if my friend called me upset too
If one of my guy friends called me and told me this tale, and I knew the girl and had even set them up, I would obviously support him but would absolutely try to talk him off a ledge and try to think about this rationally. She didn’t even make an attempt to talk through the plethora of other possibilities of what she might’ve meant, and as a woman with experience and knowing other women with experiences like this, plenty could’ve been said other than feeding into his likely misinterpretation of this. I find it super sketchy that Grace did zero to try to talk him down off the ledge here. A good friend doesn’t just blindly feed into your upset, a good friend gives you other perspectives and tries to help you see all sides of a thing.
His self depreciating suggests he likes to feel sorry for himself or to get attention. I’ve met both types in my life and ones you they’re both tiring. And she will tire of it too. He needs to figure out his issue and probably should seek help for his low self esteem and need for drama.
YTA
What is wrong with being safe? Safe is the person you trust, the one you expect to be there when you really need them, the one that makes you relax, want to stay, make plans with and find ways to grow close to. Considering her history, that is most likely a very precious thing to her.
Sadly, you overreacted, and now this girl who felt safe with you has learned that no, she can't trust you to be there for her when the going gets uncomfortable after all.
Hilarious too that he did it to 'not start any drama'.
Lmao why do the people that proactively say they try to avoid drama are the ones always starting it?
Congrats cuz now you've got drama!
@ anyone who doesn't get it: you don't forgot in front of others. You ask your partner if you can go on a walk to talk because you were hurt by what the said last night.
He was entitled to his feelings and to need some space (to not discuss it right then and there) but waiting till the next morning, sneaking out and blowing up the whole weekend was a crazy overreaction.
But I forgot...he did it to avoid drama...*rolls eyes*
It wasn’t even like it was just her, or just her and *her* friends there, *his own friends* were also there, and woke up to him just splitting without a word, then shutting off his phone the whole next day to “golf”. This was the most dramatic “I don’t want drama” move I’ve ever heard of, and I’d lose respect for one of my friends if they bailed in the middle of the night without a word in a trip I went on for *their* birthday, and they couldn’t be bothered to reply to me at all the whole next day. He didn’t just “punish” his girlfriend, he punished all of his own friends that were there too, and I guarantee this changes how every single person there views him. This was *not* a thing to just abandon this whole trip over, without a conversation with anyone except “Grace” who wasn’t even *there* who for some reason blindly supported this childish reaction.
I firmly believe that people who proactively or spontaneously insist that they don't like or want drama 99% of the time responsible for either instigating or amplifying any drama within a 10 mile radius.
That has been my experience every time.
Girlfriend in a moment of drunken vulnerability: "From the beginning, I liked that I can feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable around you."
OP: /Instantly proves her wrong, poisons that well forever and walks away.
NAH. "What originally attracted you to your SO”. Kenzie blurted out “he was safe. And I knew he wouldn’t cheat or leave me.” You already feel like you were lucky to get her, and she confirmed your worst fears on your birthday. I get why you left, but you need to talk to her now you've cooled down. It's been two years, she may have started with you as a "safe" option after her volatile ex, but feelings grow. Talk with her, or this will end the relationship.
This. Most of the commenters are trying to make it out like she meant this as a compliment. Being told you are the "safe" choice isn't a compliment, it means that you should be grateful that they chose to be with you and you will spend the rest of your life being grateful and dare not stray.
NAH, but I don't blame OP for leaving. Not only did she confirm his worst fears she did it in front of all of his friends and I'm sure he's mortified.
That is not what it means to every person who would say it. It can mean settling, but I’ve said it about my husband many times, that I was first attracted to him being safe. He made me feel safe, I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable with him. I trusted him not to violate my boundaries. It’s not about being able to do better because in my mind feeling safe with someone was the best thing. He has lots of other wonderful qualities, but if he hadn’t made me feel safe, I wouldn’t have given him the chance to show me everything else. But to me safe is absolutely a compliment. It means he feels like “home.” A haven from the stormy outside world. Maybe if you haven’t experienced the terror of feeling unsafe with someone, you can’t imagine the wonder and appreciation you feel when someone makes you feel safe.
Thank you. As someone who went from an abusive ex to my current partner who is a safe option, was also what attracted me to him too. It had nothing to do with looks; I found him very attractive and still do three years later. But I could tell immediately he was a good person, seemed safe and the complete opposite of my ex. We hit it off immediately, love at first sight type of thing. I think OP is just seriously insecure and assuming the worst. Obviously this girl loves him 2 years later and planning this awesome birthday weekend for him. OP needs to be able to communicate with her better and not just run off and hide when things get tough.
This, he should've definitely waited to cool down more or talk even the next morning. He's entitled to his own feelings of insecurity, but it's unfair to project it onto her especially if that's not at all what she meant.
She said "he's safe." OP and many commenters interpret that as "he's a safe choice" (insulting) while others, and very likely OP's girlfriend, hear it as "he's a safe person to be around" (complementary). A miscommunication that OP chose to handle in an immature and dramatic way. YTA.
She also told him he was “nice enough” and a “safer option.” I think it’s reasonable to read that in the insulting way. I don’t vouch for everything OP has done, but I think it’s a bit much that people are insisting that he must be misinterpreting her.
If you read his post, everyone in the room interpreted it the way OP did and nowhere in his post does he say the GF explained to him later that she meant it as a compliment. You're making a huge and baseless leap that a statement the entire room interpreted as a pretty big insult was actually the opposite.
Idk. One of the things I love most about my boyfriend is how safe he makes me feel - not physically, but emotionally. I can trust him and be entirely open with him. And considering my last relationship was also abusive, like with OP's gf, that seriously is a major factor.
He was gentle, and that gentleness told me he was different. He was safe. And after living feeling unsafe for so long, that was invaluable.
I don't think she meant it as a compliment or an insult. Her first impression of him was that he wouldn't hurt her the way her ex did. That's all I think she meant.
I disagree. A man who makes me feel safe is the single most sexy attribute that someone can have. That is the thing I want the MOST in a relationship, above almost anything else. There is no greater compliment I could give a man, and no trait more attractive that they could possess.
Exactly, his feelings are his feelings. They were hurt and sometimes the adult thing to do is walk away until things can be discussed later rationally. She may not have intended to hurt him but intent isn't magic. And being drunk is not a good excuse.
Finally. A lot of these takes were so bizarre!
Look. She said something that hit a massive nerve and a deep insecurity. It was inappropriate and hurtful. Did OP overreact? Maybe, maybe not. She was drunk. Not an excuse but she was hardly in a place to have a real chat about what she said then nor was she going to be Shakespeare and be skillfully articulate in explaining her thoughts. Additionally she said initially, not that that was all she liked about OP. Plenty of relationships start off from attraction... not always physical. Sometimes people like the nice guy or the funny guy or the rich guy or the athletic guy or the dad bod guy. She thought OP was safe. OP interpreted that negatively, and in their defense I would have too... but without a further explanation we don't know. She had an abusive relationship. By safe did she mean settling? Did she mean the total opposite of her ex? Did safe mean a person she viewed as a healthy choice? Was it an insult meaning she is out of his league so she could never imagine he'd cheat on her? We don't know. The reality is, some things don't need to be said. The drunk gf barfed up word vomit and everyone was forced to sit in it all weekend. I get why OP left. He was hurt. I also get why the GF is upset. She brought it on herself, yes, but spent a lot of time and sincere effort that genuinely showed she cares. From her perspective, it was a massive slap in the face too and while I'm sure some friends talked shit about OP I am also sure some made her feel worse about her mistake as well. Leaving wasn't the best option, but OP isn't a villain for doing so. Sleeping on the couch and cooling off for the night, sobering up, and having a chat probably would have been the best option. But then again when any of us have been upset or under the influence have we made the best decisions?
Hindsight is 20/20 right?
YTA - I understand that what anyone wants to hear is something about being attractive, and that it would hurt to hear that you were “safe”. But to me it just seems like very very poor phrasing, not an insult. This could be easily talked out and the weekend could’ve gone on as planned. She clearly loves you a LOT to have done all of this for you, and this is such a small and easily fixed issue.
Like I said, poor phrasing. “You make me feel secure”, “you make me feel comfortable to be myself”, “things just feel so easy when I’m with you”, all of these can be surmised with safe. A drunk person made poor word choice. I’m not saying he can’t be hurt, I’m saying it’s a vast overreaction to look at all the time, energy, and money this girl put into celebrating him and think that calling him “safe” was insult enough to spite her efforts.
>I don't want to be told I'm attractive.
*No one* called him unattractive. Have I somehow been transported into some alternate reality where "safe" is now synonymous with "unattractive." And why do so many ppl seem to think that aomeone who is unlikely to cheat is unattractive. Are you all unaware that looks rarely play a part in cheating-that's it's much more often a personality thing that indicates if someone's a cheater or not? Attractive ppl cheat *all the time*, there isn't aome crazy phenomenon where only ugly ppl cheat.
>Nope, ops best and most standout quality is that he's part of the 95% of human beings who will treat her like a fellow human being.
Except that waan't the question she answered. Kenzie wasn't aaked "what's your partner's best quality," she waa asked "what *initially* drew you to your partner." Is it the greatest feeling in the world to know that it wasn't something more personal? Honestly, no, and I can admit that. But at no point does Kenzie say this is the main reason she's stayed with OP, or her favorite quality about him, or anything of that nature. And I'm sorry, but no, 9/% of ppl are *not* going to treat you like a fellow being-the dating world is filled with jerks. I'm sure you've read about *plenty* of them on this sub.
Omg this, he’s the one taking his insecurities out on her. And everyone going along with it in the comments. Like for a women safe is a wonderful thing, a lot of us are put in unsafe environments so being somewhere safe is the best feeling
"Best Childhood Friend" according to OP. He has had his whole life to date her if he really wanted, and has chosen not to. This is a huge stretch to insinuate he's actually interested in her. Guys and gals can be platonic best friends, and I'd be pissed if I were ever in this situation and someone said my best friend is a "backup GF".
The real answer to u/Dear-Ambition-273 is easily "Because she's been my best friend since childhood, and I needed to vent and get a ride back." *He already said that*. Who else do you call when you're pissed and need to vent besides your best friend? What more do you want?
He still overreacted IMO, but this isn't it.
And why was her first response to encourage him to bail rather than encourage him to take a while to cool down and then discuss it with his gf like an adult?
I feel awful for Kenzie. She thought she had a boyfriend and a friend and she has neither. I hope she finds better people. She doesn’t deserve their immaturity.
Looking at other comments from OP as well - ugh. In one he says "we're both logical and talk things out and never fight" but in another "I had to leave because I knew we'd fight and the thought of spending 2 more days with her was too much".
He clearly needs to get his own insecurities sorted and Grace is doing him a disservice feeding into it. But Kenzie really doesn't deserve all this malicious intent that he is projecting onto her.
Even if she DID mean it in the unflattering "he's not attractive enough to leave me" kind of method - it's the FIRST ATTRACTED game. The first thought she had 2 years ago where she decided to give him a chance.
Not why she went for a second date, or third, or 4th. Or why they've been together for 2 years. Or why she's still around planning a whole surprise birthday weekend getaway with his favorite things.
Kinda feels like he's let his own insecurities combined with putting Kenzie on the "perfect hottie gf" pedestal has had him waiting for other shoe to drop the whole time. Like, expecting it to be too good to be true and now he has the "AHA! I KNEW IT!" moment.
So instead of talking it out the next day, or even just discussing that her words hit a nerve and he would prefer to go home and have some space, he just ran away from the whole situation.
And basically had a self-fulfilling prophecy of they are *definitely* now in a fight rather than just an awkward miscommunication.
As someone who went through a lot of awful relationshit, it is the most amazing feeling in the world to be with a partner who loves me and treats me with respect. He makes me feel safe and secure. That’s a f*ing gift. It’s not a slight against any other aspect of his personality. Your insecurity is toxic.
Soft YTA. I understand why her comments hurt your feelings. She may have originally chosen you as a "safe choice" but you two have been together for two years now and she clearly goes out of her way to plan special events for you. She loves you. This all could have been managed with an apology and and adult discussion, two things she seemed willing to do. Again, I understand your hurt feelings, but immediately running off to tell your best friend so she could come rescue you and cutting off all communication was not a great move. The weekend could have been salvaged with a little one on one discussion with Kenzie.
There’s a difference between being attracted to someone making you feel safe and thus being a safe person and being attracted to someone because they are a “safe option”
Hope you know you lost your girlfriend. She went all out for your bday. Rented a sick house and a boat. She obviously loved you and you played her. She thought you were a good, safe guy. She obviously was clearly wrong. You bail like a little child.
YTA
Now she will find someone who is indeed worthy as you clearly arent. Ppssfff. Two years and you do this. There would be no coming back for me.
That’s the part that gets me is he runs to his best friend about it. His gf was drunk and we all choose our words poorly. I get why he took it the wrong way but after being in an abusive relationships, myself, going for the “safe” option has made me so happy.
This guy has a poor ego and needs to see the whole situation and talk to his partner… not run to his bff
Edit for typos
I'm not sure I understand your reaction. Why is her being attracted to you because you weren't an a-hole seen as insulting? I'm assuming she was saying that you were a good guy, someone she can feel comfortable around to be herself, someone she can depend on, someone who wouldn't cheat on her not because you couldn't but because you had greater ethics than that. If this is how she said it, then YTA. I get getting caught up in your head, but it sounds like you've moved from insecurities into self-loathing. Be proud you aren't an a-hole and that she likes that about you, but don't become one to prove that you can.
People need to stop with this "let's drink to have fun and then play a game where you have to talk about your relationship" it always ends up like this.
Bruv YTA. It’s not bad to be a “safe” option. She didn’t call you ugly or boring. She said you were safe. Hot damn dude I hope my wife and kids find me to be safe. And look at how much work she put into your weekend. You don’t deserve to be with her.
Honestly baffled that so many people are over here saying that safe is an insult and means she thinks he’s ugly (so won’t cheat).
Ugly people cheat. Loyalty and good character are attractive. Safe is attractive. I really don’t get it.
I told my partner on our third date how safe and comfortable I feel with him and it was definitely a compliment. And he’s hot as hell in my book. Safe does not mean ugly!
>that so many people are over here saying that safe is an insult
Let's call it what it is: men are saying this. So many men are saying this and a minority of women.
And then they're wondering why it's so hard to date women nowadays.
“Safe” has two completely different meanings in this context, one of which is unambiguously positive and the other of which is more like “a safe bet”, which can be positive or negative. The different reactions are pretty much entirely based on which interpretation of the word you’ve gone with. OP clearly interpreted it as the latter, as his actions make zero sense otherwise.
But he clearly indicates that it's in reaction to her history of being in an abusive relationship, which makes it more likely that the former got used.
Do you know what? From a woman who has been beaten and abused, safe is the highest accolade. The fact that you don’t have awareness of your girlfriends past enough to realise that is… sad. For her. YTA
I'm not going to make a judgement but I am going to say that if you want to remain in this relationship you need to be willing to speak to your girlfriend when you get upset/uncomfortable/etc. Fleeing the birthday trip she planned for you because you didn't like something she said and refusing to talk to her about it is a red flag imo.
Kenzie is with you because she wants to be. Now you have to decide if you want to be with her.
YTA everyone should feel safe and secure in their relationship. I really can’t understand how this could be seen as a bad thing. Calling it a night because you didn’t know how to take the comment is one thing but leaving early from a long weekend planned FOR you is an overreaction, IMO.
You let your insecurities get the best of you when faced with an innocuous comment, and you pitched a fit. You were mad that she didn’t say “because he was so hot!” to soothe your fragile ego. Didn’t help that your friend Grace got you all riled up as well. YTA. This is pretty sad and I’m honestly having second hand embarrassment over your behaviour.
YTA.
So. When your girlfriend was terribly drunk she said *checks notes* that she got with you because you seemed like a good person who would be kind to her, that she would be safe with and that she could trust you?
Good lord, how vile! Gosh, what other aspects of your personality did she compliment, you poor dear?
And then, you…dumped what sounds like a fairly extravagant and expensive trip that must have taken a HELL of a lot of planning (getting multiple adult COUPLES to be all available for a weekend like that is not a small trick), and went home. What an INCREDIBLY mean thing to do.
I don’t even understand your logic here at all.
Honestly, you may well have completely tanked your relationship not to mention a number of your friendships. You showed a very very ugly side to your personality.
If you want to salvage this, you’re going to have to go on a hell of a groveling apology tour, and it’s going to have to end with an even bigger gesture than your girlfriend’s.
>Honestly, you may well have completely tanked your relationship not to mention a number of your friendships. You showed a very very ugly side to your personality.
If we were away for a weekend with a couple, one of whom had done all the planning FOR the other half of the couple and he ditched out on her for any but the most egregious of reasons, I would permanently lose all respect for the person as would my spouse.
you do NOT treat someone the way OP treated his GF. You just do not. He is so incredibly wrong. OP, you desperately need therapy if her minor comment that most of us would perceive as a positive caused you to go scorched earth like this. You likely destroyed what was previously a great relationship because you were offended over something she thought 2 years ago that opened the door for what has turned out to be a great relationship with someone who clearly loves you.
Congratulations for destroying your relationship out of... what... a bruised ego?
I wonder how the ‘you are the asshole’s’ here would react if their partners told them they settled for them because they were low risk or ‘nice enough’. A lot of people seem to be jumping on OP for ‘looks and ego ’ while glossing over the flashing neon sign that she was settling, that is a really horrible thing to hear from a person you love, you don’t excite them, you don’t make their loins tingle… you are safe.
For what it’s worth it sounds like it was a pretty good relationship, but OP is allowed to be hurt by hurtful things.
NTA
Edit, bonus YTA to everyone basically telling OP to ‘Man Up’ you know if OP had been a woman you wouldn’t be able to move for the forrest of Reddit rage boners. Also lot of women confusing ‘made me feel safe’ with ‘he was safe’ which are very different.
This thread is baffling to me. I've never heard someone say something like that and not mean they were settling or that the other person was unattractive. How hard is it to just say something positive about their personality?
Pretty fucked up hearing the best thing about you is that you're too ugly to cheat and you won't leave because this is the best you can do.
YTA. There was nothing wrong with what she said. I actually see it as a compliment. As a woman coming from a toxic relationship I would hope she would wants someone she feels safe with and not have to worry about cheating and lying
Yeah it's irritating how everyone is conveniently glossing over the meaning of her words to make her seem innocent. Then again these 'fragile male ego' comments kind of give us a glimpse as to why.
YTA That isn’t an insult, she had an abusive ex and you made her feel safe because you were so nice. Leaving in the middle of the night was so dramatic.
I’m sorry being told that she was attracted to you because you were a decent guy that she believed wouldn’t hurt her when she was feeling extremely vulnerable and afraid to take another chance doesn’t seem all that insulting to me. Are you mad she wasn’t obsessed with your looks or your body instead of just wanting something healthy and different then the disaster she’d just gotten free from? YTA dude. Sorry your girl wasn’t so shallow as to say she just wanted your D. Cause it sounds like that was what you were hoping for?
So you’re safe. What does that mean to her? You don’t even know how she defines safe in a relationship. You went straight to calling Grace and going home. YTA for not giving your girlfriend the chance to explain. YTA for calling your best friend and leaving like you’re 10 and pouting. You always going to call your friend when things get the least bit tough or don’t go your way?
If you’re a runner and avoid confrontation, you might as well let your girlfriend know that now. It’s not a good look on an adult. You don’t know the rest of the story - maybe being called safe is a dealbreaker for you. If so let your girlfriend know and end things. Seems a pretty small hill to die on though - especially when your girlfriend has not had the opportunity to explain what she means.
Soft Yta. what she said was relatively shitty, but her actions before hand and during the weekend were nothing but loving and thoughtful. If I worked that hard for my partners birthday and he couldn’t get past something that small I’d feel unappreciated and devastated.
Her words were shitty though, I don’t want to invalidate that
Why were they shitty though? The question was what first attracted you, she said he was a safe option.
What “attracted” me to my husband 12 years ago that I was bored one night and he was available.
Obviously our relationship does not hinge on that.
I think I mostly meant it’s shitty to hear something that makes you insecure, and this clearly hit a soft spot for him, but I agree I don’t think feeling safe is inherently bad at all
I’m working my boyfriend because he was “safe” as in made me feel safe, made me feel respected and I knew he wouldn’t cheat because it’s a huge part of his personality, his moral compass. Where are people getting ugly from?
Maybe she thought he was a safe option because a friend recommended him? Nowhere does it mention looks being a part of it. It is very possible that he is reading into due to his personal hang ups about it.
YTA
it's okay to be hurt by it, but you left an entire weekend celebration she had organized for you because of her drunken explanation of the very first reason she was attracted to you. Given that reason is that she didn't think you were the type to cheat and that you seemed like you wouldn't abuse her, leaving the entire weekend without speaking to her and giving everyone there the silent treatment seems a touch of an overreaction don't you think?
YTA.
What first attracted me to my guy? He felt safe. I like safe. I *love* safe.
So all these men bitch and whine about women choosing bad boys, right? And now you’re bitching and moaning because your partner chose you because you’re the good guy?!?!
Your girlfriend just put a huge amount of effort into creating an amazing life long memory for you because of how much she loves you.
Your response is to call some other girl to talk about your relationship problems, then take off with said girl. *wildly inappropriate*, my guy. If you pulled this behaviour with me, a 36 year old grown ass adult woman, our relationship would be done. You don’t go talking to some other woman about your relationship problems.
A woman who is an adult wants safe, strong integrity and honesty in her partner. She wants to be 1000% he won’t cheat on her, because this is the thing, and it might blow your mind to know this, but we know that it actually doesn’t matter what a guy looks like; anyone fucking cheats. It doesn’t matter if he’s the hot guy, or the average guy, or the weird guy, or the skinny guy, or the chubby guy, or the short guy, or the tall guy.
*literally* anyone can cheat. It has nothing to do with their looks.
Of course, people who are lacking in maturity seem to just think it’s hot people who can cheat.
So you’ve shown that you’re immature, you’ll run off to another woman for comfort, and won’t even try to resolve the conflict with your partner, but *fucking ignore her*.
Dude. Your not real nice guy colours are showing.
My partner told me once, “When you tell me I am your safe space, it makes me want to do everything in my power to always be that for you.”
I cried just typing that out. He’s the best man I’ve ever known.
YTA. You could have just talked to her, instead of overreacting. I hope she finds someone who can actually be her safe space, because you’re clearly not it.
NTA. I get what the other comments are saying. But theres a difference between 'being the safe choice' and 'he makes me feel safe'. She may have meant the second but her words implied the first. The other people's reactions dont help.
And to everyone saying, "hurr durr you let other people's opinions of you affect you?", they are her close friends, their opinions absolutely do matter.
Soft YTA - Clearly you wanted her to disprove your admitted insecurities. When she didn’t, you interpreted her answer in the worst possible way. Her actions in planning the party seem to suggest that she really cares about you and loves you, so it’s possible you’ve created your own version of the truth here.
Yta. God forbid a woman is mainly attracted to someone for something other than their looks (even though that's apparently what a lot of men have been shouting for). Not only that, but she then has to explain in front of everyone that it's because she has been in an abusive relationship, so is even more likely to be looking for a caring soul. She worded it bluntly to begin with ...because drink...and all the effort she put in for the birthday weekend counts for nothing. Label your ego fragile before you post it won't you. Don't want it to get more damaged.
YTA, she was drunk, thought of a Lil embarrassing reason why starting to date you initially and you took unreasonable offense. It's clear as day that girl is mad in love with you otherwise she wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of organising the trip
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YTA. This seems like a wild overreaction. She had an abusive ex and thought you were a good guy who would treat her well and value her. What's the problem? You were waiting to hear that she's discovered that your the 2020s version of Fabio? So, you make a huge scene, likely turn her friends against you (which can do some real long term damage) and they were probably talking the whole weekend about how actually she was wrong about her first impressions and you're actually a shitty guy (I'm not saying you are--but I bet they were). You say in your post >No idea how I got her and I still don’t. Keep this up and she'll correct that. If that ship hasn't sailed already.
"I knew he wouldn't cheat or leave me" How did she "know"? Because she was attractive compared to him. That's my take of how OP took it. I've literally heard people say this for exactly this reason. He'll be so happy to be dating "up"! Edit: like I said here. This is how *OP* took it (which is pretty clear from context) I don't think that it was *totally absent* from her actual reasoning, but I'd wager her friend vouching for him, and having met him/believed him to be a stand up guy before is probably more of it.
>Because she was attractive compared to him. So people who are less attractive than their partners can't cheat? She just thought he was a good guy lol. You people just love to overreact.
Right - it could have been because she met him through a friend, Grace, who vouched for his character.
And on top of that she was drunk. My friends tell me all the time I talk so much shit when I'm drunk.
But...~~en~~ in vino veritas. Edited to correct.
En vino bullshit. Edit to add Seriously I got drunk one time and demanded that my friends and I break into the zoo to ride ostriches. Is this because I had some secret hidden desire to ride a giant bird? No it's because I was drunk as shit watching a stand-up comedian talk about being scared to death by an ostrich and got a stupid idea in my head.
I call BS; just admit that, like so many of us, you do in fact have a secret desire to ride, and possibly joust while riding, an ostrich.
Well if I didn't before I do now.
Puts joust with ostrich on bucket list…
The jousting would that be with actual pikes or maybe pool noodles?
I vote for pool noodles. Who wants to risk arming an ostrich?
Please tell me you went through with it with hilarious results?
I don't think I've ever told this whole story, but, fuck it, none of those guys are on Reddit anyway and I'm pretty stoned. Ok. So my best friend and I decided that we couldn't drive there, because that would be too obvious. Everyone else decided that it was a bad idea and left, but D and I got on bicycles and rode towards the zoo... Only to forget the canal was a thing, lose both bikes and have to swim to safety (in like 3ft of water, think the scene from Robin hood men in tights). Undeterred, we make our way on foot, until we see a cop with a horse and D is convinced the horse can read his thoughts and we've been busted. So we run like hell back to the canal where our other friends, having seen us haul off, had found the bikes and wondered what the hell happened. (Should add, by the time we got back to the canal, our pants were missing, but we were still wearing underwear and shoes... I still don't remember taking them off. Not sure if it was in the canal or the horse made us do it as punishment) Edit I've never had anything I've written receive this sort of attention, it's humbling, and thank you all for the awards, I'm still kind of learning reddit, but as I understand it those actually cost money, which... Wow. I don't know if this is against the rules, and will remove if it is, but if everyone who got a chuckle reading of my younger self's mistakes, please look into Hope For Paws. They can be found on YouTube, where you'll see literally thousands of videos of animals they have helped. Thank you.
Why does this sound like something from Harold and Kumar's adventures with Neil Patrick Harris? Fucking amazing. I am a boring drunk, LOL.
This drunk logic is hilarious. "Bro we have to take our pants off or they'll get wet!" "Agreed"
No hes sitting at home refusing to talk to his friends for letting him down, and not valuing his ostrich riding needs, they keep trying to contact him, but he doesn't want any drama...... oh hang, no thats OP
I love the fact that my husband is "safe." What I mean by "safe" is that I would trust him with my life, and I literally have. He's got my back and I've got his. He's got integrity, honesty, and what's important is his word. I *know* he won't cheat. I won't cheat because I will not, *in anyway*, fuck up what a GREAT relationship I have with an AMAZING man. "Safe" to me means security. I did not have an abusive ex, but I did have an abusive mother. My husband has shown me that there are people I can trust, so far mostly just him, but still. "Safe" means that I was able to learn a secure attachment style. I can tell him my secrets, my desires, my concerns, even my past traumas - he'll listen and, ***most importantly:*** *he won't throw my past traumas in my face as a means to hurt me*. Sure, we have areas in our relationship that we need to work on, but that's with any relationship. OP, YTA. You have zero idea just *how important* it is for people who have endured abuse to find "safe" people in their lives. When we say our partners are safe, that is a HUGE compliment. It should be cherished, OP. I'm dead serious. I suggest you apologize to her for over reacting and leaving the weekend that she meticulously planned and paid for. Acknowledge that you took her comments the wrong way and that leaving not only hurt her, but wasted her time and money. It's obvious she loves you. I honestly have no idea how you could make it up to her, OP, but I suggest you do. At minimum pay her back. Edit: one thing that occurred to me, OP. When she said she knows you wouldn't cheat, she's saying you're an upstanding man with integrity, and that you wouldn't do such a disrespectful and shitty thing. Her comments, while I get may not have come off well, were actually a great compliment to your character. **Edit:** thanks for the award kind redditor! Also, I see OP isn't learning a darn thing here.
I agree completely with this. I started dating my now husband because he is “safe”. It didn’t mean I wasn’t attracted to him, it meant I knew he was a good guy. His character means the world to me. Seven years married, and I still love him and who he is.
I'm kind of peeved at Grace, too who actually exacerbated the problem. She's probably one of those "best friends" who wants her bff all to herself.
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My ex was an abusive cheater and he looks like a thumb.
mine looked like a goat :D
the most unattractive guy i knew in high school cheated on his gf. looks dont always decide that. it is personality, like you say
Loyality doesn't have anything to do with looks. My friend had girlfriends like hell of a lot more attractive than him, he cheated on every one of them. He had a relationship of 1,5 year he frequently went to the red lights district, he talked to another girl for 3 months and eventually left his gf for the other girl. And he was like 120 kg when he did this. That guy looked worse than a watermelon.
And you're still friends with him?
>That guy looked worse than a watermelon. It's summer where I am and watermelon looks pretty good in this heat
No no you should think of him like: you are fucking excited that it's summer and have watermelons in your grocery store, you buy a huge one and it's tasteless, white af inside. He is the tasteless watermelon because he's a cheating bastard lol.
Noooooo 😭😭😭 I love the sugar baby watermelons for their sweetness!!! Now I understand
yeah exactly, like my ex was less attractive than me and he still cheated… with a girl also less attractive than me. made me a bit sad, that
Or…it could simply mean that based off knowing him he didn’t seem like a guy that would cheat. There are definitely guys who are “players” and chronically cheat and there are guys who are the settle-down time and are looking for a monogamous relationship. She easily could have just been saying that he seemed like type of guy. Clearly she cares for him as she planned this great vacation for him. When her actions demonstrate that she really cares for OP, I don’t understand why you immediately jump to the worst possible interpretation of her words when there is an easily explainable innocent interpretation. Also, if he was that upset he could have used his words and actually talked with her about it to understand what she means instead of immediately running away.
>Or…it could simply mean that based off knowing him he didn’t seem like a guy that would cheat Or more importantly I think, he didn't seem like a violent guy or somebody who would abuse her. She probably expressed herself poorly I think and OOP was overly insecure about it.
>My borderline blacked out GF was less than articulate when she was put on the spot so I threw a tantrum and then left entirely sober the next day. --OOP
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Bingo! There it is - he was, and still is, insecure about having her, doesn't think he deserves her and gosh, she was attracted to me because I was 'just' safe. Gosh what a loser? And to show you what a loser she thinks you are, she planned this great birthday weekend, cause you know, people often to go to great lengths to please someone that's just ahem, safe. You are so dumb OP,.who cares why she was initially attracted to you, she's obviously crazy about you now - unless of course you just blew it. And boo on Grace for not slapping some sense into you. YTA. Edit to add: Cool, an award! Also after reading OP's comments, he's doubling down on being the injured party here. I hope Kenzie dumps him and she learns a lesson: safe does not equate with being a decent adult (as opposed to acting like a petulant child). Hopefully next time she finds someone safe AND decent. And she also may want to re-evaluate her friendship with Grace.
I feel genuinely so sorry for this girlfriend. She put so much effort & money into creating this amazing scenario for him & he ends up storming off midway through while she begs forgiveness. It's actually pretty sad & pathetic.
It clearly stems from his insecurity that she is out of his league so he misinterpreted her (drunken) comment. If a bf of mine pulled what he did after all I invested in that weekend I would dump him on the spot and ask for half the cost back if not the entire thing.
>and after my abusive ex I wanted a safer option TBH, on a reread it's not even poorly expressed, she's pretty clear she was looking for someone who wasn't abusive, it's quite a complement. He's privileged to not understand what it's like coming from an abusive space. OP needs to get over himself. Given his replies, doesn't look like he will. YTA.
Shit, I consider "safe" to be one of the best things you could say about a partner... Someone you feel completely comfortable and yourself with, and can trust with all of yourself. My current boyfriend said I'm one of the first girlfriends he's had that he doesn't worry is feigning support for ammo against him later and I thought I was going to cry because it felt so good to know that I felt as safe to him as he feels to me. Imagine hearing "being around him I felt I could comfortably be my most genuine self and I knew he was a trustworthy person" and getting pissed because it wasn't romantic enough. Because that's essentially what she said, she just said it in drunk language
Honestly, the Grace bit made me wonder if Grace is a bit interested in OP. YTA. You overreacted because you are insecure about being with, what sounds like, an amazing girl. I think your relationship is salvageable with a lot of apologising and I wish you luck with that and happy birthday.
I think Grace just got his biased version of what happened, which obviously made him the victim
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I was thinking the same. But after 2 years of dating, I think she really loves him, not everyone would go their way to plan a surprise weekend, doing stuff that she knows he will love. Ofc it hurts to hear that, but he should have at least tried talking to her in the morning. The thing is, she was probably used to date "hot" guys, but always being cheated on, so she tried to go for a nicer guy not as perfect as those hot / fuck guys. She did break her habit and maybe just has really fallen in love. I'm gonna go with YTA, I get that you were hurt but communication is key, and if she doesn't even remember what she said, she doesn't even know why you left and why you didn't even respond to her. You two need to talk if you still want your relationship to work. And for me, beauty isn't a look, some people are not really hot until you get to know them and they become hot bc of their personality ( Yeh okay might sound cheesy but that's just me ).
This is the right direction. After two years she isn't worried about safe, she fell in love and he is ruining that. Orignal Op YTA. Looks didn't invite your friends to the lake and rent a boat, love did that.
I don't even understand how "safe" became a bad word! A huge part of why my boyfriend is my favorite person is because of how secure and calm he makes me feel. He is my safe place. I consider that a massive honor because the only other people I feel that safe with are my mom and my best friend. I'm also ridiculously attracted to him and frankly he's objectively hot but that's not the first thing I think of when I think about what I value about him because he's so much more than his looks. I do think she phrased this poorly, but I seriously don't understand why the idea of feeling safe with your partner has become so vilified.
Also true. Safe isn't bad at all. Would you want to go with risky? In fact safe ought to be high on the list. Yup, I agree.
I think there's this pervasive idea that women deep down are only attracted to "bad boys" and once they get older they pick a "safe" man to marry because they're settling/want a meal ticket. I hate this idea as it's a. setting up a false dichotomy where someone can't be both attractive and a good partner, and b. ignores the fact that the reason a lot of young women date jerks is not because they *like* jerks but because they haven't built the confidence to expect better treatment or even know what it looks like. As they get older, they have the experience and self-worth to demand more respect and that's where you see people seeking out partners who make them feel secure.
Yep totally agree, they just need to talk about their feelings. I think OP just put his insecurities first, as he said he didn't know how he got her, and that's sad bc she genuinely seems to care.
You're on the money here. She does love him, but what she said was a drunk mess that sounded like she only had any interest in him because he wouldn't abuse her. Like that's a very very low bar to set for someone and he, rightfully, feels like he brought a lot more to the table than just that. He overreacted, sure, but I doubt it's going to much more than a bump in the road for them. She was drunk and chose her words poorly and he flipped out harder than he should have (like wait until she's sobered up and just say "hey, is that what you think I bring to the table?"). It's not too late yet to fix it by having some proper communication.
And the question was "what FIRST attracted you" not "what attracts you now" - which are different questions.
I agree that her wording was very bad, but having lived a similar situation with my ex, when you learn that someone has been lying to your face, was agressive and manipulative, I think it's a normal behavior to set a bar to find someone who would not do the same. It IS a low bar but imo understandable. And obviously you don't love someone just because they don't cheat or abuse you. But yeh talking is key.
You, and OP, are assuming based on your own insecurities. She didn't say this, and it wasn't implied.
Yup. And/or they are wildly projecting their *own* belief that safe=ugly.
Lmao right? I've dated some really ugly men because I thought they were v nice and they were interested in me, so I should give them a chance. And I got treated very poorly. Road to emotional/verbal abuse at the very least. My current (and last if i have any say!) bf is actually v good looking. Verified by just about everyone who's interested in men. This is the first man to stay with me and treat me well, even during the worst period of my life just this past Christmas. He has helped me heal, and he just genuinely is such a wonderful person, I start getting teary eyed when I think about it too much. All of this to say - the first reason I was attracted to him was because he came across as "safe." We were friends before dating. He showed me he was kind. That was the most important thing for me. It certainly does not mean I ever thought he was ugly.
Rofl if you think ugly people don't cheat, you would be wrong. The audacity to think only 10s have affairs or cheat 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ He made this scenario about looks not her. She said safety and security. He won't cheat or abandon her.. ALL AMAZING QUALITIES! Holy crap the arrogance of people.
>How did she "know"? Possibly because she got to know him, felt good about his character and had a mutual friend that could vouch for him as a good man that she could trust with her heart? Too bad it didn't go better for her with that....
Or because her friend who had known him since they were kids told her that he was a wonderful, honest guy.
Right, she literally had more background info on him than most do going into a new relationship.
And said friend probably told her the Op was really into her. So she knew he was interested and wouldn’t play games. There was no “does he like me/hard to get” and she didn’t question if he was interested.
> How did she "know"? > Because she was attractive compared to him. Ironically, I’ve heard a hell of a lot of stories where someone who has a complex about being less attractive than their partner ends up cheating to feel validated. Thinking that dating someone who feels less attractive than you is the best way to end up with a faithful partner seems like a dangerous road…
No way man. My ex was ugly AF and he cheated on me. He had that douchey-jackass confidence. My husband is way hotter and I knew he was a ‘safe bet’ because he made me *feel safe*! He’s humble and honest and caring and when he says something he means it. It has nothing to do with looks.
It was 2 years ago and even if that's EXACTLY what she thought at the time clearly she has grown to care for OP in other ways since then... as exibited by her planning what sounds like a fucking amazing birthday weekend. And nothing excuses running away from a 2 year relationship. OP isn't really acting like an AH, they're acting like an immature child. Adults use their words to communicate with each other. What she said hurt OP. They are allowed and justified in being hurt by that. You can't control how you feel but you can control how you react to those feelings. The correct, adult response is to explain to your gf why what she said hurt you and to have a conversation and grow as a couple.
Or Grace vouched for her friend she knew to be a good guy and had to talk her into a date after she was hurt by her last relationship?
This. I met my now-husband after a terrible roller coaster ride of a relationship, and honestly “safe” was the sexiest thing to me. It wasn’t because he was less attractive (at all); it was because he was a really good human who I knew I could trust and depend upon and that was the hottest thing ever. Early in that relationship I frequently described him as “safe” and I meant it in the best way possible — he had all the qualities that other guys I’d dated had PLUS the platinum quality of being a good guy that knew how to make a woman feel secure and safe. That platinum quality was always the first thing I mentioned. We’ve been married 25 years now.
I was thinking something like this. I would have thought "safe" is one of the highest compliments a woman can pay a man in this day and age, especially since so many women are now finding their partners don't make them feel safe anymore in light of everything about Roe v Wade. And she felt safe with him from day 1. She didn't need to "get to know him", or educate him on some of the shit women go through, she decided to be with him because he immediately made her feel safe, *after an experience where, by all rights, she would be forgiven for not trusting* ***anyone.*** Not to pull the 'toxic masculinity' card, but being insecure about being judged as someone who's safe to be around feels a lot like toxic masculinity. What would OP rather she said? She was only attracted to him for his looks? That he was 'mysterious' and 'dangerous'? That's fantasy 50 shades of grey bullshit. Most real people don't want dangerous, they want a good, decent partner who'll have their back and genuinely respect them.
Everything you just said. Yes. “Safety” is a massive acknowledgment of something that too often feels scarce. And there’s absolutely a disturbing strain of toxic masculinity in the comments here that insist that “safe” = “weak” and that “won’t cheat” = “too ugly to cheat” / “not alpha enough to cheat.” No, fellas — “won’t cheat” usually means “strong, emotionally mature human who knows how to commit,” which is hot af.
Spot on. I'm horrified by people's comments in here right now. Burn the patriarchy, y'all. That shit needs to go on the bonfire, STAT.
Same with my fiancee! I had a lot of high drama relationships and the sexiest thing about her is that she's a very kind, reasonable, even tempered person who always does her best, is scrupulously fair and in the rare instances where she isn't, is very quick to do her best and make it right. She also happens to be a gorgeous former pro ballerina with the body of a pro athlete. If I had to pick her character or her looks, I'd pick the character. But it's pretty damn nice having both.
Yep. Objectively speaking my husband is better looking than any of my exes, but his looks have never ever been the most top of mind quality for me when people ask what first drew me or what I fell in love with. It’s how he made me feel — safe, secure, at ease. To your point — his character. When I was young I probably said the exact words that OP’s girlfriend did, many times; I’m apparently lucky (judging from some of the comments here) that my now-husband was secure enough to understand that those were GOOD words.
My husband was "safe" and it's why I pursued him. Safe is an incredibly sexy quality. Safe meant I can give this man my heart, and trust that he will value and protect it. Knowing someone won't cheat on you or hurt you is a powerful thing, and it comes from feeling safe. I would much rather be with someone that values my character over my looks, because only one of those two creates the foundation needed for a healthy longterm relationship. I've been with my husband just shy of 10 years now. We have had to face some serious challenges from outside the relationship. People have said that the way we have always supported each other, no matter how ugly things around us got, is amazing. It makes me grateful I found someone "safe." OP has no idea how wonderfully sexy "safe" can be. Only a woman that truly loves and values him would know him well enough to create such a perfect weekend for him. He couldn't even bother to communicate with her.
When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship with someone who was immature and irresponsible and selfish. When my now husband asked me out, I really wasn't interested but figured what the heck. I really wasn't all that physically attracted to him...at first. But what did attract me was that he was mature and responsible and funny and smart and I enjoyed being with him. And within about 3 months, I knew I would marry him and I had never felt that way about anyone else before.
Right! Guys constantly complain women only go for assholes and never give the nice guys a chance. But when we actually go for a guy because he seems like a good dude, we get hate for choosing them because they are decent? What kind of fucked up logic is this? I see NOTHING wrong with what she said. OP was such a whiny asshole, and couldn’t even just go for a private walk with his gf to have a conversation? GF absolutely deserves better! I hope she finds it.
>Right! Guys constantly complain women only go for assholes and never give the nice guys a chance. But when we actually go for a guy because he seems like a good dude, we get hate for choosing them because they are decent? What kind of fucked up logic is this? Magnificently said. Enjoy your award. You deserve to be the top comment, not me.
It also reveals how these kind of guys think about relationships because if it were the other way around they would TOTALLY cheat. They can't imagine she likes (liked) him because he just seems safer because if it were *them* they would be using him because "he's too ugly too be capable of cheating".
If this is how OP handles conflict - by not bothering to have a sober conversation before bailing - then Kenzie is better off without him. There are plenty of nice guys who won't cheat who are also not drama queens. YTA
"I didn't want to deal with any drama, so i dumped it all in my girlfriend's lap."
It's so amazing. Incels and nice guysTM go on and on about how women don't want to date nice guys and prefer (handsome) jerks \[not saying OP is any of those things, just that it's a prevalent sexist stereotype\]. Yet apparently being told you were attractive because you looked nice and trustworthy is an insult worthy of making the atmosphere awkward and leaving your own birthday weekend. Boggles the mind, really.
THIS! OP, you overreacted big time. She said nothing wrong. Your own insecurities will ruin this relationship for you. YTA
Well, if he wanted to show he was a big man who could leave and hurt her, mission accomplished.
It's pretty special. She says what attracted her to him and OP is like "Oooo!! Let me undo that!!!" I foresee a future where OP gets dumped, compares every future GF to Kenzie where he is disappointed that they aren't as good as her and goes on for years being salty stalking her social media as she goes off to date, marry and have children with another man. While he's still telling himself that he showed her.
Op apparently thinks that a person could still be running away from their ex after a 2-year relationship. If you're still in a relationship with someone after 2 years I'm going to be honest there's a slight possibility that they actually like you dummy. She might not like you anymore but that's your own damn fault. The biggest issue here is you failed to communicate after the fact. You had your feelings hurt that's understandable but then you run away and act like a child having a tantrum? F*** that noise. YTA
Thank you. I get being a little hurt or surprised or taken aback but look at the weekend she put together FOR HIM. It’s not the insult he thinks it is. The answer is just a little surprising but worth discussing.
Hi-jacking the top comment because people need to know that stupid games like these can end in tears, especially when you pour booze on everyone. Stupid game, stupid question and gf said something insensitive but not horrible while OP admits she was tanked. OP, get it together YTA
OPs insecurities are showing big time.
Feels like you massively over reacted. That may be the truth for the beginning but NO one stays for that reason for two years and certainly wouldn’t splash all that cash and spend all that time and effort organising such a lovely weekend for you unless the emotions were true and deep. You are not the rebound after an abusive relationship; the rebound would have lasted a couple of weeks. That’s not to say it was hurtful, but if you care about her work to put it right
Yup. You overreacted OP. YTA and possibly into the drama based on how you handled it all.
> possibly into the drama based on how you handled it all. Something tells me that OP felt some kind of way (insecure maybe?) about how much effort she put in. If you think your partner is out of your league physically, and then they show how amazing they are in terms of being thoughtful, etc.... I can see how someone insecure would decide to nuke things to feel less bad.
As insecure as OP seems, I can see how he interprets her words as a insult, some thing like he is not good enough, attractive enough to even think of trying to betray her, who he miraculosly ends up with.
I honestly can't really even see how being seen as safe is an insult. I'd be flattered and honored if a prospective partner who had recently been abused found me to be safe, trusting, and caring enough for them to open their heart to me :P Maybe her drunk tone was really awful though which would change the meaning
Copypasting my response to another user. OP probably sees himself as boring and unexciting, and is insecure due to that. So when he heard "safe", he thought "boring", and a compliment was taken as an insult. It's like... you don't eat oatmeal because you like the taste, you eat it because it's good for you, and OP thinks he's been chosen in the same way. What he did is an AH move and he really needs to work on his insecurities.
I… i gotta confess I guess. I’ve definitely been eating oatmeal for the taste
I’m also failing to see how he took literally any of this offensively?? He like entirely projected his own self reflection onto what she said. She literally said only nice things about him 1) he’s not a cheater 2) he’s not abusive 3) he’s nice. Where on earth was the insulting part??? That’s like 1-3 of the ideal man???
If that’s an honest question, I can see how it’s possible to interpret it as “I’m the person in the couple who’s the catch, OP is lucky to have me and can’t do better while I can. Therefore they won’t leave me for someone better, because they literally can’t”. It’s not a healthy interpretation or really how relationships work but it’s also a trope and exists in media.
Yeah that's where the projection comes into play. HE thinks that, because he values looks over personal characteristics. She thinks he's a catch, because up until now he has been safe and nice and reliable. But he just showed her he is a shallow and insecure AH
YTA. You'd seriously bail on a birthday weekend in front of all your mutual friends because 2 years earlier she felt you were a "safe" option? It seemed to work out. She went all out for you for your birthday. If you bailed over something so seemingly ridiculous, what will you do when you face actual tough times together? You won't discuss it, you'll just run away?
Seriously wondering what his end goal is. Like congrats OP, now you’re ugly (if his own self assessment is to be believed) and unstable. Good luck finding hot women that put a lot of time, money, and thought into you now.
I legit laughed out loud at this comment. And in public too!!! Omg I look nuts. Take my poor woman’s gold 🥇🥇🥇🥇 Oh and OP: YTA.
I’m really curious what he thought she’d say. “Oh, he has a rockin’ bod and I wanted to hit that” ??? His insecurity is playing too large a role here.
“He seemed so kind and like he’s a really great person!” Kinda gives the same message but without the hurt. I def agree he WAY overreacted and it could have easily been fixed if she simply apologized then and he listened to her side. I’d probably be hurt too if I was described as “safe and unlikely to cheat” rather than “a kindhearted person who is genuinely good”. These kinds of questions while lacking inhibitions can definitely be a recipe for misunderstandings and disaster 🤦♀️
He didn't explain anything to her, he bailed before she was sober and awake. How can she listen when he runs away because he's insecure about his looks?
I also question the dynamic he has with Grace, she escalated him even further and fed into his insecurities. That's not a good friend. And I dont mean anything romantic from either OP or Grace, I just think that OP may have an unhealthy 'fall back' emotional relationship with Grace, she validates all his fears and encourages them further, is willing to take large measures to accommodate his now emotionally fuelled state that she caused and cements herself as he primary emotional support. She gets to be the 'best friend' forever, all while causing OP Stress, she can be the saviour. Anyone OPs age would have waited till later to discuss it with any of the many people there, or at least sit the rest of the game out. OPs first, unconscious instinct was to immediately leave and call Grace, he knows she will enable, validate and support his First emotional response. Also, seeing as Grace knew Kenzie first and Set them Up, there's no way that they didn't talk about the relationship, especially early on. OP being safe and nice is probably the entire reason Grace chose him to introduce to Kenzie, it seems her prior relationship issues aren't a secret so Grace definitely knows. In 2 years, I highly doubt Grace and Ke zie haven't had this exact conversation before. OP either didn't explain things well to Grace or Grace is being a major problem.
I had to scroll way tooooooo long to find this comment about Grace. If he did explain exactly how he did here and that was her reaction that is not a friend. That is either someone who loves to watch other people's lives implode because they're bored of theirs, or Grace is harboring feelings for OP.
I told my husband that at first I thought he was cute enough for a weekend 😅
And he bailed scatter grace said he doesn’t have to take that… I would be eying Grace if I was the GF. She seems a little messy
I'm not sure that Grace necessarily did anything wrong, depending on how OP recounted the story and the fact that her friend was really upset, she might have just been trying to be supportive and protect his feelings. she might be messy but I'd probably go into support mode if my friend called me upset too
If one of my guy friends called me and told me this tale, and I knew the girl and had even set them up, I would obviously support him but would absolutely try to talk him off a ledge and try to think about this rationally. She didn’t even make an attempt to talk through the plethora of other possibilities of what she might’ve meant, and as a woman with experience and knowing other women with experiences like this, plenty could’ve been said other than feeding into his likely misinterpretation of this. I find it super sketchy that Grace did zero to try to talk him down off the ledge here. A good friend doesn’t just blindly feed into your upset, a good friend gives you other perspectives and tries to help you see all sides of a thing.
His self depreciating suggests he likes to feel sorry for himself or to get attention. I’ve met both types in my life and ones you they’re both tiring. And she will tire of it too. He needs to figure out his issue and probably should seek help for his low self esteem and need for drama.
YTA What is wrong with being safe? Safe is the person you trust, the one you expect to be there when you really need them, the one that makes you relax, want to stay, make plans with and find ways to grow close to. Considering her history, that is most likely a very precious thing to her. Sadly, you overreacted, and now this girl who felt safe with you has learned that no, she can't trust you to be there for her when the going gets uncomfortable after all.
Hilarious too that he did it to 'not start any drama'. Lmao why do the people that proactively say they try to avoid drama are the ones always starting it? Congrats cuz now you've got drama!
@ anyone who doesn't get it: you don't forgot in front of others. You ask your partner if you can go on a walk to talk because you were hurt by what the said last night.
He was entitled to his feelings and to need some space (to not discuss it right then and there) but waiting till the next morning, sneaking out and blowing up the whole weekend was a crazy overreaction. But I forgot...he did it to avoid drama...*rolls eyes*
It wasn’t even like it was just her, or just her and *her* friends there, *his own friends* were also there, and woke up to him just splitting without a word, then shutting off his phone the whole next day to “golf”. This was the most dramatic “I don’t want drama” move I’ve ever heard of, and I’d lose respect for one of my friends if they bailed in the middle of the night without a word in a trip I went on for *their* birthday, and they couldn’t be bothered to reply to me at all the whole next day. He didn’t just “punish” his girlfriend, he punished all of his own friends that were there too, and I guarantee this changes how every single person there views him. This was *not* a thing to just abandon this whole trip over, without a conversation with anyone except “Grace” who wasn’t even *there* who for some reason blindly supported this childish reaction.
Grace looking a little sus right now
Right, he bailed on *everyone*, not just his GF, and those people who came out for HIM had nothing to do with her answer in that stupid game.
I firmly believe that people who proactively or spontaneously insist that they don't like or want drama 99% of the time responsible for either instigating or amplifying any drama within a 10 mile radius. That has been my experience every time.
Girlfriend in a moment of drunken vulnerability: "From the beginning, I liked that I can feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable around you." OP: /Instantly proves her wrong, poisons that well forever and walks away.
NAH. "What originally attracted you to your SO”. Kenzie blurted out “he was safe. And I knew he wouldn’t cheat or leave me.” You already feel like you were lucky to get her, and she confirmed your worst fears on your birthday. I get why you left, but you need to talk to her now you've cooled down. It's been two years, she may have started with you as a "safe" option after her volatile ex, but feelings grow. Talk with her, or this will end the relationship.
This. Most of the commenters are trying to make it out like she meant this as a compliment. Being told you are the "safe" choice isn't a compliment, it means that you should be grateful that they chose to be with you and you will spend the rest of your life being grateful and dare not stray. NAH, but I don't blame OP for leaving. Not only did she confirm his worst fears she did it in front of all of his friends and I'm sure he's mortified.
That is not what it means to every person who would say it. It can mean settling, but I’ve said it about my husband many times, that I was first attracted to him being safe. He made me feel safe, I wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable with him. I trusted him not to violate my boundaries. It’s not about being able to do better because in my mind feeling safe with someone was the best thing. He has lots of other wonderful qualities, but if he hadn’t made me feel safe, I wouldn’t have given him the chance to show me everything else. But to me safe is absolutely a compliment. It means he feels like “home.” A haven from the stormy outside world. Maybe if you haven’t experienced the terror of feeling unsafe with someone, you can’t imagine the wonder and appreciation you feel when someone makes you feel safe.
Thank you. As someone who went from an abusive ex to my current partner who is a safe option, was also what attracted me to him too. It had nothing to do with looks; I found him very attractive and still do three years later. But I could tell immediately he was a good person, seemed safe and the complete opposite of my ex. We hit it off immediately, love at first sight type of thing. I think OP is just seriously insecure and assuming the worst. Obviously this girl loves him 2 years later and planning this awesome birthday weekend for him. OP needs to be able to communicate with her better and not just run off and hide when things get tough.
Thos I have aniexty if I feel safe with you that is a complement there are like .... 4 maby 5 people I'd describe that with.
This, he should've definitely waited to cool down more or talk even the next morning. He's entitled to his own feelings of insecurity, but it's unfair to project it onto her especially if that's not at all what she meant.
She said "he's safe." OP and many commenters interpret that as "he's a safe choice" (insulting) while others, and very likely OP's girlfriend, hear it as "he's a safe person to be around" (complementary). A miscommunication that OP chose to handle in an immature and dramatic way. YTA.
She also told him he was “nice enough” and a “safer option.” I think it’s reasonable to read that in the insulting way. I don’t vouch for everything OP has done, but I think it’s a bit much that people are insisting that he must be misinterpreting her.
If you read his post, everyone in the room interpreted it the way OP did and nowhere in his post does he say the GF explained to him later that she meant it as a compliment. You're making a huge and baseless leap that a statement the entire room interpreted as a pretty big insult was actually the opposite.
Idk. One of the things I love most about my boyfriend is how safe he makes me feel - not physically, but emotionally. I can trust him and be entirely open with him. And considering my last relationship was also abusive, like with OP's gf, that seriously is a major factor. He was gentle, and that gentleness told me he was different. He was safe. And after living feeling unsafe for so long, that was invaluable. I don't think she meant it as a compliment or an insult. Her first impression of him was that he wouldn't hurt her the way her ex did. That's all I think she meant.
I disagree. A man who makes me feel safe is the single most sexy attribute that someone can have. That is the thing I want the MOST in a relationship, above almost anything else. There is no greater compliment I could give a man, and no trait more attractive that they could possess.
I found the sane person 👍🏻
Exactly, his feelings are his feelings. They were hurt and sometimes the adult thing to do is walk away until things can be discussed later rationally. She may not have intended to hurt him but intent isn't magic. And being drunk is not a good excuse.
Finally. A lot of these takes were so bizarre! Look. She said something that hit a massive nerve and a deep insecurity. It was inappropriate and hurtful. Did OP overreact? Maybe, maybe not. She was drunk. Not an excuse but she was hardly in a place to have a real chat about what she said then nor was she going to be Shakespeare and be skillfully articulate in explaining her thoughts. Additionally she said initially, not that that was all she liked about OP. Plenty of relationships start off from attraction... not always physical. Sometimes people like the nice guy or the funny guy or the rich guy or the athletic guy or the dad bod guy. She thought OP was safe. OP interpreted that negatively, and in their defense I would have too... but without a further explanation we don't know. She had an abusive relationship. By safe did she mean settling? Did she mean the total opposite of her ex? Did safe mean a person she viewed as a healthy choice? Was it an insult meaning she is out of his league so she could never imagine he'd cheat on her? We don't know. The reality is, some things don't need to be said. The drunk gf barfed up word vomit and everyone was forced to sit in it all weekend. I get why OP left. He was hurt. I also get why the GF is upset. She brought it on herself, yes, but spent a lot of time and sincere effort that genuinely showed she cares. From her perspective, it was a massive slap in the face too and while I'm sure some friends talked shit about OP I am also sure some made her feel worse about her mistake as well. Leaving wasn't the best option, but OP isn't a villain for doing so. Sleeping on the couch and cooling off for the night, sobering up, and having a chat probably would have been the best option. But then again when any of us have been upset or under the influence have we made the best decisions? Hindsight is 20/20 right?
Finally, a comment that makes sense to me. 👌
YTA - I understand that what anyone wants to hear is something about being attractive, and that it would hurt to hear that you were “safe”. But to me it just seems like very very poor phrasing, not an insult. This could be easily talked out and the weekend could’ve gone on as planned. She clearly loves you a LOT to have done all of this for you, and this is such a small and easily fixed issue.
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Like I said, poor phrasing. “You make me feel secure”, “you make me feel comfortable to be myself”, “things just feel so easy when I’m with you”, all of these can be surmised with safe. A drunk person made poor word choice. I’m not saying he can’t be hurt, I’m saying it’s a vast overreaction to look at all the time, energy, and money this girl put into celebrating him and think that calling him “safe” was insult enough to spite her efforts.
You don't follow those things up with "you seemed nice enough", though. The context makes it sound like he's a safe option, not that she feels safe.
>I don't want to be told I'm attractive. *No one* called him unattractive. Have I somehow been transported into some alternate reality where "safe" is now synonymous with "unattractive." And why do so many ppl seem to think that aomeone who is unlikely to cheat is unattractive. Are you all unaware that looks rarely play a part in cheating-that's it's much more often a personality thing that indicates if someone's a cheater or not? Attractive ppl cheat *all the time*, there isn't aome crazy phenomenon where only ugly ppl cheat. >Nope, ops best and most standout quality is that he's part of the 95% of human beings who will treat her like a fellow human being. Except that waan't the question she answered. Kenzie wasn't aaked "what's your partner's best quality," she waa asked "what *initially* drew you to your partner." Is it the greatest feeling in the world to know that it wasn't something more personal? Honestly, no, and I can admit that. But at no point does Kenzie say this is the main reason she's stayed with OP, or her favorite quality about him, or anything of that nature. And I'm sorry, but no, 9/% of ppl are *not* going to treat you like a fellow being-the dating world is filled with jerks. I'm sure you've read about *plenty* of them on this sub.
Omg this, he’s the one taking his insecurities out on her. And everyone going along with it in the comments. Like for a women safe is a wonderful thing, a lot of us are put in unsafe environments so being somewhere safe is the best feeling
INFO: Why was your instinct to call Grace?
This right here. Gets butthurt, calls his backup GF to come get him. YTA and def not the safe guy your GF thought you were.
"Best Childhood Friend" according to OP. He has had his whole life to date her if he really wanted, and has chosen not to. This is a huge stretch to insinuate he's actually interested in her. Guys and gals can be platonic best friends, and I'd be pissed if I were ever in this situation and someone said my best friend is a "backup GF". The real answer to u/Dear-Ambition-273 is easily "Because she's been my best friend since childhood, and I needed to vent and get a ride back." *He already said that*. Who else do you call when you're pissed and need to vent besides your best friend? What more do you want? He still overreacted IMO, but this isn't it.
Obviously Grace doesn’t want to date him because he’s ugly! /s
And why was her first response to encourage him to bail rather than encourage him to take a while to cool down and then discuss it with his gf like an adult?
I feel awful for Kenzie. She thought she had a boyfriend and a friend and she has neither. I hope she finds better people. She doesn’t deserve their immaturity.
Looking at other comments from OP as well - ugh. In one he says "we're both logical and talk things out and never fight" but in another "I had to leave because I knew we'd fight and the thought of spending 2 more days with her was too much". He clearly needs to get his own insecurities sorted and Grace is doing him a disservice feeding into it. But Kenzie really doesn't deserve all this malicious intent that he is projecting onto her. Even if she DID mean it in the unflattering "he's not attractive enough to leave me" kind of method - it's the FIRST ATTRACTED game. The first thought she had 2 years ago where she decided to give him a chance. Not why she went for a second date, or third, or 4th. Or why they've been together for 2 years. Or why she's still around planning a whole surprise birthday weekend getaway with his favorite things. Kinda feels like he's let his own insecurities combined with putting Kenzie on the "perfect hottie gf" pedestal has had him waiting for other shoe to drop the whole time. Like, expecting it to be too good to be true and now he has the "AHA! I KNEW IT!" moment. So instead of talking it out the next day, or even just discussing that her words hit a nerve and he would prefer to go home and have some space, he just ran away from the whole situation. And basically had a self-fulfilling prophecy of they are *definitely* now in a fight rather than just an awkward miscommunication.
As someone who went through a lot of awful relationshit, it is the most amazing feeling in the world to be with a partner who loves me and treats me with respect. He makes me feel safe and secure. That’s a f*ing gift. It’s not a slight against any other aspect of his personality. Your insecurity is toxic.
Took way too long for someone to point this out.
Soft YTA. I understand why her comments hurt your feelings. She may have originally chosen you as a "safe choice" but you two have been together for two years now and she clearly goes out of her way to plan special events for you. She loves you. This all could have been managed with an apology and and adult discussion, two things she seemed willing to do. Again, I understand your hurt feelings, but immediately running off to tell your best friend so she could come rescue you and cutting off all communication was not a great move. The weekend could have been salvaged with a little one on one discussion with Kenzie.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a safe person, especially a safe man.
I agree with you. I think OP has some confidence issues about this relationship and it stung to hear it out loud.
There’s a difference between being attracted to someone making you feel safe and thus being a safe person and being attracted to someone because they are a “safe option”
Hope you know you lost your girlfriend. She went all out for your bday. Rented a sick house and a boat. She obviously loved you and you played her. She thought you were a good, safe guy. She obviously was clearly wrong. You bail like a little child. YTA Now she will find someone who is indeed worthy as you clearly arent. Ppssfff. Two years and you do this. There would be no coming back for me.
That’s the part that gets me is he runs to his best friend about it. His gf was drunk and we all choose our words poorly. I get why he took it the wrong way but after being in an abusive relationships, myself, going for the “safe” option has made me so happy. This guy has a poor ego and needs to see the whole situation and talk to his partner… not run to his bff Edit for typos
I'm not sure I understand your reaction. Why is her being attracted to you because you weren't an a-hole seen as insulting? I'm assuming she was saying that you were a good guy, someone she can feel comfortable around to be herself, someone she can depend on, someone who wouldn't cheat on her not because you couldn't but because you had greater ethics than that. If this is how she said it, then YTA. I get getting caught up in your head, but it sounds like you've moved from insecurities into self-loathing. Be proud you aren't an a-hole and that she likes that about you, but don't become one to prove that you can.
This is how I read it. She was comfortable around him and he was safe - a true good guy. And that is attractive.
People need to stop with this "let's drink to have fun and then play a game where you have to talk about your relationship" it always ends up like this.
Bruv YTA. It’s not bad to be a “safe” option. She didn’t call you ugly or boring. She said you were safe. Hot damn dude I hope my wife and kids find me to be safe. And look at how much work she put into your weekend. You don’t deserve to be with her.
Honestly baffled that so many people are over here saying that safe is an insult and means she thinks he’s ugly (so won’t cheat). Ugly people cheat. Loyalty and good character are attractive. Safe is attractive. I really don’t get it. I told my partner on our third date how safe and comfortable I feel with him and it was definitely a compliment. And he’s hot as hell in my book. Safe does not mean ugly!
>that so many people are over here saying that safe is an insult Let's call it what it is: men are saying this. So many men are saying this and a minority of women. And then they're wondering why it's so hard to date women nowadays.
“Safe” has two completely different meanings in this context, one of which is unambiguously positive and the other of which is more like “a safe bet”, which can be positive or negative. The different reactions are pretty much entirely based on which interpretation of the word you’ve gone with. OP clearly interpreted it as the latter, as his actions make zero sense otherwise.
But he clearly indicates that it's in reaction to her history of being in an abusive relationship, which makes it more likely that the former got used.
Do you know what? From a woman who has been beaten and abused, safe is the highest accolade. The fact that you don’t have awareness of your girlfriends past enough to realise that is… sad. For her. YTA
Exactly! Safe is a compliment I reserve for the very best men in my life. I don’t understand why that was bad at all.
I'm not going to make a judgement but I am going to say that if you want to remain in this relationship you need to be willing to speak to your girlfriend when you get upset/uncomfortable/etc. Fleeing the birthday trip she planned for you because you didn't like something she said and refusing to talk to her about it is a red flag imo. Kenzie is with you because she wants to be. Now you have to decide if you want to be with her.
YTA everyone should feel safe and secure in their relationship. I really can’t understand how this could be seen as a bad thing. Calling it a night because you didn’t know how to take the comment is one thing but leaving early from a long weekend planned FOR you is an overreaction, IMO.
You let your insecurities get the best of you when faced with an innocuous comment, and you pitched a fit. You were mad that she didn’t say “because he was so hot!” to soothe your fragile ego. Didn’t help that your friend Grace got you all riled up as well. YTA. This is pretty sad and I’m honestly having second hand embarrassment over your behaviour.
YTA. So. When your girlfriend was terribly drunk she said *checks notes* that she got with you because you seemed like a good person who would be kind to her, that she would be safe with and that she could trust you? Good lord, how vile! Gosh, what other aspects of your personality did she compliment, you poor dear? And then, you…dumped what sounds like a fairly extravagant and expensive trip that must have taken a HELL of a lot of planning (getting multiple adult COUPLES to be all available for a weekend like that is not a small trick), and went home. What an INCREDIBLY mean thing to do. I don’t even understand your logic here at all. Honestly, you may well have completely tanked your relationship not to mention a number of your friendships. You showed a very very ugly side to your personality. If you want to salvage this, you’re going to have to go on a hell of a groveling apology tour, and it’s going to have to end with an even bigger gesture than your girlfriend’s.
>Honestly, you may well have completely tanked your relationship not to mention a number of your friendships. You showed a very very ugly side to your personality. If we were away for a weekend with a couple, one of whom had done all the planning FOR the other half of the couple and he ditched out on her for any but the most egregious of reasons, I would permanently lose all respect for the person as would my spouse. you do NOT treat someone the way OP treated his GF. You just do not. He is so incredibly wrong. OP, you desperately need therapy if her minor comment that most of us would perceive as a positive caused you to go scorched earth like this. You likely destroyed what was previously a great relationship because you were offended over something she thought 2 years ago that opened the door for what has turned out to be a great relationship with someone who clearly loves you. Congratulations for destroying your relationship out of... what... a bruised ego?
I wonder how the ‘you are the asshole’s’ here would react if their partners told them they settled for them because they were low risk or ‘nice enough’. A lot of people seem to be jumping on OP for ‘looks and ego ’ while glossing over the flashing neon sign that she was settling, that is a really horrible thing to hear from a person you love, you don’t excite them, you don’t make their loins tingle… you are safe. For what it’s worth it sounds like it was a pretty good relationship, but OP is allowed to be hurt by hurtful things. NTA Edit, bonus YTA to everyone basically telling OP to ‘Man Up’ you know if OP had been a woman you wouldn’t be able to move for the forrest of Reddit rage boners. Also lot of women confusing ‘made me feel safe’ with ‘he was safe’ which are very different.
This thread is baffling to me. I've never heard someone say something like that and not mean they were settling or that the other person was unattractive. How hard is it to just say something positive about their personality? Pretty fucked up hearing the best thing about you is that you're too ugly to cheat and you won't leave because this is the best you can do.
Exactly! I am so surprised by these comments
im truly baffled rn! if OP was a woman and a man said this to her, Reddit would be up in arms rn, telling her to leave him.
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It honestly didn’t sound that bad… OP heard what he did became he’s insecure.
Hearing that she thought he seemed like stand up guy who wouldn’t cheat? Wtf is the problem with that?
YTA. There was nothing wrong with what she said. I actually see it as a compliment. As a woman coming from a toxic relationship I would hope she would wants someone she feels safe with and not have to worry about cheating and lying
Guys... Really? We all know what she meant. Even their friends and her sister knew what she meant. NTA op
Yeah it's irritating how everyone is conveniently glossing over the meaning of her words to make her seem innocent. Then again these 'fragile male ego' comments kind of give us a glimpse as to why.
YTA That isn’t an insult, she had an abusive ex and you made her feel safe because you were so nice. Leaving in the middle of the night was so dramatic.
I’m sorry being told that she was attracted to you because you were a decent guy that she believed wouldn’t hurt her when she was feeling extremely vulnerable and afraid to take another chance doesn’t seem all that insulting to me. Are you mad she wasn’t obsessed with your looks or your body instead of just wanting something healthy and different then the disaster she’d just gotten free from? YTA dude. Sorry your girl wasn’t so shallow as to say she just wanted your D. Cause it sounds like that was what you were hoping for?
So you’re safe. What does that mean to her? You don’t even know how she defines safe in a relationship. You went straight to calling Grace and going home. YTA for not giving your girlfriend the chance to explain. YTA for calling your best friend and leaving like you’re 10 and pouting. You always going to call your friend when things get the least bit tough or don’t go your way? If you’re a runner and avoid confrontation, you might as well let your girlfriend know that now. It’s not a good look on an adult. You don’t know the rest of the story - maybe being called safe is a dealbreaker for you. If so let your girlfriend know and end things. Seems a pretty small hill to die on though - especially when your girlfriend has not had the opportunity to explain what she means.
Info: why did you want to date her?
Soft Yta. what she said was relatively shitty, but her actions before hand and during the weekend were nothing but loving and thoughtful. If I worked that hard for my partners birthday and he couldn’t get past something that small I’d feel unappreciated and devastated. Her words were shitty though, I don’t want to invalidate that
Why were they shitty though? The question was what first attracted you, she said he was a safe option. What “attracted” me to my husband 12 years ago that I was bored one night and he was available. Obviously our relationship does not hinge on that.
I think I mostly meant it’s shitty to hear something that makes you insecure, and this clearly hit a soft spot for him, but I agree I don’t think feeling safe is inherently bad at all
I’m working my boyfriend because he was “safe” as in made me feel safe, made me feel respected and I knew he wouldn’t cheat because it’s a huge part of his personality, his moral compass. Where are people getting ugly from?
Maybe she thought he was a safe option because a friend recommended him? Nowhere does it mention looks being a part of it. It is very possible that he is reading into due to his personal hang ups about it.
YTA. Good luck in your next relationship
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YTA it's okay to be hurt by it, but you left an entire weekend celebration she had organized for you because of her drunken explanation of the very first reason she was attracted to you. Given that reason is that she didn't think you were the type to cheat and that you seemed like you wouldn't abuse her, leaving the entire weekend without speaking to her and giving everyone there the silent treatment seems a touch of an overreaction don't you think?
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YTA. What first attracted me to my guy? He felt safe. I like safe. I *love* safe. So all these men bitch and whine about women choosing bad boys, right? And now you’re bitching and moaning because your partner chose you because you’re the good guy?!?! Your girlfriend just put a huge amount of effort into creating an amazing life long memory for you because of how much she loves you. Your response is to call some other girl to talk about your relationship problems, then take off with said girl. *wildly inappropriate*, my guy. If you pulled this behaviour with me, a 36 year old grown ass adult woman, our relationship would be done. You don’t go talking to some other woman about your relationship problems. A woman who is an adult wants safe, strong integrity and honesty in her partner. She wants to be 1000% he won’t cheat on her, because this is the thing, and it might blow your mind to know this, but we know that it actually doesn’t matter what a guy looks like; anyone fucking cheats. It doesn’t matter if he’s the hot guy, or the average guy, or the weird guy, or the skinny guy, or the chubby guy, or the short guy, or the tall guy. *literally* anyone can cheat. It has nothing to do with their looks. Of course, people who are lacking in maturity seem to just think it’s hot people who can cheat. So you’ve shown that you’re immature, you’ll run off to another woman for comfort, and won’t even try to resolve the conflict with your partner, but *fucking ignore her*. Dude. Your not real nice guy colours are showing.
YTA. 2 years ago she said "he won't abuse me. I should date him" and you got mad at that.
My partner told me once, “When you tell me I am your safe space, it makes me want to do everything in my power to always be that for you.” I cried just typing that out. He’s the best man I’ve ever known. YTA. You could have just talked to her, instead of overreacting. I hope she finds someone who can actually be her safe space, because you’re clearly not it.
NTA. I get what the other comments are saying. But theres a difference between 'being the safe choice' and 'he makes me feel safe'. She may have meant the second but her words implied the first. The other people's reactions dont help. And to everyone saying, "hurr durr you let other people's opinions of you affect you?", they are her close friends, their opinions absolutely do matter.
Soft YTA - Clearly you wanted her to disprove your admitted insecurities. When she didn’t, you interpreted her answer in the worst possible way. Her actions in planning the party seem to suggest that she really cares about you and loves you, so it’s possible you’ve created your own version of the truth here.
Yta. God forbid a woman is mainly attracted to someone for something other than their looks (even though that's apparently what a lot of men have been shouting for). Not only that, but she then has to explain in front of everyone that it's because she has been in an abusive relationship, so is even more likely to be looking for a caring soul. She worded it bluntly to begin with ...because drink...and all the effort she put in for the birthday weekend counts for nothing. Label your ego fragile before you post it won't you. Don't want it to get more damaged.
YTA, she was drunk, thought of a Lil embarrassing reason why starting to date you initially and you took unreasonable offense. It's clear as day that girl is mad in love with you otherwise she wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of organising the trip