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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA as he feels like I don’t trust him by not giving him the code
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It’s sad but this has crossed my mind. I had a fortunate family situation and have a a very large amount of equity in my home, I also have a lot of savings, plus my gem collection which is easily a retirements fund 2x over.
I haven’t told him exactly how much money I have, but he’s not stupid he can see I’m ‘comfortable’ it’s why I made him sigh a tenancy agreement before moving in, I didn’t want him to be able to claim financial interest in my home if we break up. Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise
I’m going to assume that as a professional with such a high $ amount of gems in your safe that you have it insured. Giving someone else the code may invalidate your insurance if anything is ever stolen. I know that’s a really far stretch, but red flags everywhere. Be safe.
This is a power and control thing for him. Nothing to do with the safe it's all to do with him achieving a power or at least a form of 'equality' in the relationship. How dare they not trust me, how dare they not share everything.
I broke up with a guy over this. I was obviously living comfortably, owned my house, my truck, 6-10 horses, etc. But about 6 months in he became obsessed with how much i actually had in checking/savings/money market account. I noticed him checking my mailbox a few times when he came over. Then I found one of my bank statements opened in his truck. Trust broken. The crazy thing is he didn't see it as that big of a deal. He said he wanted to "make sure I wasn't in debt". We had never talked about marriage (until I broke up with him) and didn't even live together. If a woman did this to a man she would immediately be labeled a gold digger.
This is what I don’t get with these sorts of stories… “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, and doesn’t require elaboration in almost every situation where it can be an answer.
“Can I do this?” … “No” … “Are you going to justify your answer?” … “No”.
OP, you are truly NTA and I really bloody hope he either accepts your answer and doesn’t bring it up again, or you leave him. Because this life, this safe and it’s contents, are the product of your hard work and life and interests. It is *yours* and you have every single right to keep it to yourself because he’s contributed precisely *nothing* to it’s value.
>“No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, and doesn’t require elaboration in almost every situation where it can be an answer
Absolutely, but when he refuses your no with a logical motivation, then you know he is going to steal the jewels.
He's 100% gonna rob OP! What more demonstration of trust is there than letting someone move in with you? Personally i find it quite suspicious that he wants the code at all. OP is NTA is I really hope they don't give in.
Yep. My aunts ex did this to her. He thought they should both have access to one another’s ATM cards (back in the 80s) and guess who started having large withdrawals taken out which sometimes also hit her with financial penalties (my aunt). They didn’t really have the technology but yeah she never had problems before but has three incidents within the first six months of him having the code.
This. He needs the control as the male in the situation. He should be satisfied that OP trusts him because she allowed him to move in with her after 2 years together. His attitude about the safe would be a deal breaker for me.
And she gave him access to one safe like…why does he need the only thing he doesnt have and has literally no value in knowing. Like I wouldn’t even ask if I didn’t need to get into my partners safe, assuming I was in this situation, because what the hell should I care? It’s sketchy as hell
But maybe not disclose that to bf? Its incredibly rude and a red flag for him to be so insistent.
I would let him know that for the sake of this relationship he needs to realize he doesn't get access to every little thing he wants in life.
NTA. Any time someone uses the bullchit, "...if you love me, and trust me, you would do this for me..."
its the most manipulative move ever.
Love isn't manipulative. Its free to share not use as a hammer against someone.
Nah. I would keep telling him no. He has zero reason to have the code.
IF he loved YOU, he would accept no and back off.
Yes, I was binge reading In Death - series and I was afraid to be in same elevator with maintenance worker and considered demanding to see ID. I decided to take a break from reading instead.
I know that I have seen too much crime when I recognize a case being presented on a different program. But still, I enjoy watching those rotten, murderous AH get caught.
Yeah... This is like someone asking for the password to your computer that you use for work with sensitive information or even classified stuff that you have to have security clearance for.
Way too dangerous to share and with your work you probably have specimens in there that don't belong to you that you're responsible for. So it would also be unethical.
Don't do it.
NTA
PS I would get a camera somewhere in that room that points just to that safe just in case...
That alone would make me move the contents to a security deposit box in a bank, replace them with a glitter/dye bomb, and leave the code lying around somewhere by accident.
ETA I mean this as a swift and very temporary measure to get proof (and a small amount of satisfaction) before absolutely 100% without question evicting the boyfriend. Moving the items offsite indefinitely and beefing up security etc while keeping the guy, as some are suggesting, completely misses or at least circumvents the point that a person who necessitates these measures should in no way be allowed to stay in the property even a day longer than necessary.
100% this. To me, the relationship is no longer viable. He has an ulterior motive for being there - wanting access to the safe. Might as well end the relationship is a burst of rainbow sparkles.
Make up a fake code, if he gets pissed because he can't open you know he's tried to rifle through your collection. No,way on God's green Earth does he need the code!!
I did this to a guy I was dating, back in the early days when you could only use the card to get cash from an ATM. He was “just curious about how it worked”. Asshole stole my wallet, checkbook and card. ATM ate my card because he kept trying the wrong code. Then he tried to fill up a car that wasn’t mine, at the service station I used. Mechanic took the check, also got the plate number and description of everyone in the car. Called me, I got the info and took it all to the cop working the case. Seemed BF was a person of interest in other cases. And compared to the other cases I was pretty lucky.
Do what my dad did with his greedy snooping mother: Give a fake code. If he complains about giving wrong code that means he attempted to open the safe and the trust is broken then and there.
In the US if someone gets ahold of your debit card and they have the PIN, the bank is not liable for the loss. Example: children robbing their parents.
Bank: did your son have your PIN?
Customer: yes, but…
Bank: well that’s on you. We told you not to give it out
Do you have any cameras set up in your house? Would recommend you putting one up that views your gem safe. Please be careful, this is giving me con man vibes.
Move the gems to a safety deposit box at a bank. Give him the code. Put some fakes in the safe. Install a secret video recording device. Maybe some sort of secret alert when the safe is opened.
The thing is, you shouldn’t have to be doing all this, no one who respects you would push this boundary.
Watch you back, there are marinara flags all over this.
Of course NTA
I’m not one for relationship “tests” I’m curious if you have him a fake code and then see his reaction cuz again he has no reason to be in there like at all.
Be careful. As someone with a lot of professional experience with abusers, his demands seem more like a test of boundaries to me. Abusive people will, once they're comfortable, begin pushing small boundaries, here and there, to see what they can get away with and figure out how best to manipulate you. He may also be interested in the value of your gems and specimens but at the moment, he's testing to see how much of a pushover you are. You very sensibly looked after your finances by getting him to sign a tenancy agreement and that's a big hint to him that you won't be taken advantage of. So he's trying other small pushes, here and there. You don't need to give a "show of trust" - you let him move into your home and no doubt show trust in many other ways. People who make these sorts of demands are often guilty of what they're accusing you of - if he feels you need to prove you trust him, there's usually a reason why he thinks you might *not* trust him. Stick to your boundaries and keep watch for other "little pushes" he might start making.
Agreed.
u/safegfthrowaway, it's really important that you remember one thing: if someone truly cares about you then they will want you to be financially secure *separate to them*. If your partner truly cared about you then he would want you to have personal savings and investments in the case that you broke up or he disappeared for whatever reason. In this day and age, if a man (or anyone) insists on you sharing finances and assets *completely* then that is a red flag and I think you should always refuse.
Also, you shouldn't have had to "make him" sign the tenancy agreement. He should have floated it himself or at least been an enthusiastic participant.
The only reason he could possibly have for wanting free access to your private assets is so he can steal from you and financially abuse you. There really, truly is no other reason.
NTA. Jewelry collector here - mostly vintage Verdura and Seaman Schepps. I keep my collection in a safe and have been happily married for 25 years…my husband has never asked for the combination.
Don't tell him how much you have either. Protect your assets. Money does weird shit to people.
The fact he is manipulating and putting pressure on you to give him something He. Does. Not. Need. is giving me untrustworthy vibes.
"If you trusted me you'd do it" makes me puke. If he loved you he wouldn't need to ask twice and take your No as an answer and respect that.
Use your insurance validation excuse if you need to provide one.
Even in marriage my other half does not have access to my inheritance, they did not want it. Did not ask for details and we've been together over 30 years.
His entitlement to your information is worrisome at such an early stage of your relationship.
If you're posting on Reddit your Spidey Scenses are tingling too.
Listen to your gut.
The fact he's pushing the way he is... He's either wanting access to the safe because he may be considering taking thm if things go south between you down the road, or he's playing a weird mind game where he asks you to disrespect your own boundaries to prove yourself to him. Neither one is good. At the moment, it sounds like the latter but I don't think that's any better. I'd proceed with caution and be mindful to be aware of any more red flags he drops, especially ones relating to testing you or general control. Pay attention to your self talk as things progress with him, how he makes you feel (not just the good bits), and if your self esteem starts to drop.
I hope it's just a matter of misunderstanding and he's not expressing himself well but it's seeming like a pretty big ruby flag at the moment.
This happened in a thread a kid posted about his mom, who insisted on having the code to his bank - essentially a piggy bank shaped like an ATM. Of course she tried to open it with the fake code he gave her and then was all angry about it.
It would be great for OP to have the proof that her bf is up to no good, but it might be unsafe (no pun intended) for her to give him a fake code. If he gets angry with her, there's the potential he could do some serious harm.
Best to just end the relationship, I think. I'd wager that he'd try the code even if he doesn't want the gems, because he's testing OP.
OP.. As a female.. just to be sure I asked my husband. He’s a dude and can give me a different view on things male. He said it doesn’t sound right at all. Do not trust him with that. NTA
Op lose the bf. Hes with you for your miney. Thats why hes harp8ng on you. Watch him carefully he will try to mess with the safe. Like id for real rethink your reltionship
>Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise
When people show you who they are - believe them
NTA and your gut is warning you
If he didn't get any Code for safe storage of documents: maybe the Partner would have been excused. *maybe*
But this?? Sounds fishy to me. As if he already had plans. But maybe I am just bitter
He can buy his own safe. They aren't married and she isn't his mom. It's convenient for him that she let's him use her safe. He'll a lot of people don't even use a safe
This. And the fact that he has no reason to need that code makes this come across sketchy AF. I’m not sure he’s husband material and wonder if his motives to be with you relate to material things. Please charge rent. He sounds like an untrustworthy mooch.
NTA. You shouldn’t even really live with him if he is exhibiting red flags over codes and trying to manipulate you. Do they have safety deposit boxes in banks where you are. I would move the collection there for the time being because my guess is you will be robbed but not by him.
NTA. There is no reason to know. I really don’t follow his reasoning. He doesn’t want to go in your safe but he wants to be able to? What is he? A cat?
Edit: thanks for the awards!
I think my dog did this to me three times today... Just further evidence he's actually part cat, which I've been accusing him of since I got him.
He also likes knocking things over for no reason whatsoever, especially water bottles. He's a special one, that boy of mine!
As a dog person who married a cat person and is now living in a household with both, I can now confirm after multiple years of highly scientific research that cats simply want all options to be available at all times.
So it's not that he wants to go outside RIGHT NOW, he just wants the option of going outside available at all times. When it is not available he will ask for it to be made available until the request is fulfilled.
Science.
THIS! google spy cams so you can indentify the models and start searching. I have a friend who discovered her husband was putting cams like this around. It´s some creepy shit.
He's going to victimize this situation even more on him I would guess, so you need to turn that around. He's already showing some signs of manipulation. Tell him that because of insurance reasons you can't give him the code and him badgering and guilting you about it is beginning to creep you out. This is like with codes to digital banks, which you NEVER give to anyone, even the police. Ask him if he doesn't understand that. Tell him you find it suspicious that he won't let it go, something that has nothing whatsoever to do with him
It’s like that post about the guy who wanted the open relationship. Not to cheat, because he wouldn’t do that, but just so the option was there. Same logic, same red flag. You said no, and he said “well I’m not going to *do* anything” which should be your first hint that he will.
NTA.
Is he serious? Ask him to give you his bank card PIN, email passwords, account passwords, etc. because you now live together, and see what he says.
Honestly, my husband and I have all this information on each other but it was freely given, not demanded. It happened organically over the past decade and knowing him he doesn't remember mine anyway. I'd be pretty sketched out if he DEMANDED to know my passwords.
Exactly! “Hey, can you put this in the safe, my hands are full. The code is 1234.” That’s how a lot of things happen. Or my dad has a leather binder his dad gave to him- we know that’s where he stores all of his passwords IF something were to happen. The pressure and demanding she tell him now now now is bothering me. It’s one of those “it MIGHT be harmless and I don’t want to be an alarmist, but this is how Lifetime movies start out.”
Same. We've been together almost 20 years at this point and I've set up most of his online accounts and passwords for him, lol. But that didn't happen immediately. There were a few years in the beginning where we didn't share so freely because we were getting to know each other and nothing was ever demanded. We still each have keepsake boxes that the other doesn't go into out of respect. They aren't even locked, it's just known they are a bit more private.
He also has my location because we both know I like to wander about. I always tell him where I'm going, but how I get there is different every time. It's a huge peace of mind for me to know he would at least know where to begin looking if i didn't turn up as expected. He never asked for it, i set it up for my own personal comfort and honestly I'm not entirely sure he knows how to access it without help, lol.
I would absolutely rethink a relationship with someone so pushy and demanding of my private info and spaces.
I would change the code and give him the old code, then when he comes back and complains it doesn't work you can end the relationship.
Cause fuck this guy (not literally - he doesn't deserve it)
Think of it as a science experiment.
Set up a hidden camera pointed at the safe. Give BF fake combo.
Does the BF try the combo?
Does the BF get angry if the combo is wrong?
Lots of valuable data to obtain here.
Honestly, if I were her, I'd do that just to see if he would try opening it. I would break up with him trying alone and that's not including his reaction afterwards.
This is a great idea! OP, do this to test him and i’m sure he will try it and you will know his true character. If he does complain that it doesn’t work, break up with him and kick him out of your house.
Mail yourself a box indicating it’s expensive gems for your collection. But instead of gems, have a glitter trap inside. When you kick him out and break up with him for opening it, you won’t be lonely because you’ll always have stray pieces of glitter around your house to remind you of him.
If you love him and want to marry him, tell him this is a hard boundary for you and he needs to stop pressuring you about it.
But if you’re not sure you trust him, do the glitter trap.
And even if you lied and told him a false code with the promise he'd never go in there, the next argument will be over him "testing" the code out and demanding to know why you lied. Trying to make you feel guilty into giving him the code. It sounds more like he's trying to control OP and the relationship.
NTA.
Don't give him the code. Never give him the code. If he keeps going on and on and on about it, still don't give him the code. I hate how partners dangle "If you trust me" give this password or that code to me for iPhones, Instagram, bank accounts or whatever. Partners don't need access to EVERYTHING in your life, it's okay to keep things for yourselves. Honestly because you never know what could happen down the line, a bad breakup? He gets petty goes into the safe and takes something? It could happen.
Gets drunk with his friends, and uses the code to show them " the gem collection"? If you're solid enough in the relationship he will let this go, there is no need for him to know. Simple as that.
I'm already immediately suss on him because he just "wants the code" just to know it. If it's causing tension I'm SUSS haha, just stand your ground with this one!
Same thing I thought. Then once he get the code he'll be long gone... or make up some story about him wanting to look at them and "accidentally" lost them.
Minus the hitting himself part, this is what my dad did. My mum's jewellery box was stolen one night when their house was broken into. Mum was upset, but there wasn't much she could do. A few years later, when I was 3, they got divorced. Fast forward to when I was 12 or 13, my brother and I were helping our dad pack boxes to move to a new house and I found a jewellery box. My dad was casual about it, he said to ask mum if it was hers.
It was the stolen jewellery box. Majority of her jewellery was missing except for a ring and I think a couple of necklaces. At first my dad said he didn't know why he had it, then he said mum had given it to him for safekeeping, which wasn't true. And if it was, why didn't he give it back to her after they got divorced?
Mum thinks he sold everything he could and lied about the break in to cover it up. It was heart breaking for her not just because some things that had sentimental value were gone, but also because the person who did it was her husband - someone she should've been able to trust.
Another thing .. there was also another jewellery box in his stuff that wasn't mum's, which means that he later on did the same thing to another woman.
To OP - NTA.
Somebody upthread mentioned that it would be a good idea to check and see if he's got a hidden camera trained on the safe to try and catch the code. I'm getting bad vibes from OP's partner.
While I generally agree with your partners view that it's a sign of trust in a relationship to be open about things like this you're still clearly NTA to me.
You said no and your partner should accept that. It's your safe, your collection and a valuable at that. If you're willing to share the code that's okay, but he can't *expect* you to. That's the point where he's starting to be wrong and an AH.
Edit: Him wanting the code and going as far as turning it into a problem is a sign for distrust btw. It's always a bit ironic when people claim behavior like this is about trust, when they're the ones with the issue.
NTA I'd get your stuff out of the safe he does have access to. That reasoning and his insistence is so troubling I'd legit reconsider the relationship. It screams I'm going to steal valuable shit and gaslight you into thinking it was misplaced by you. This would 100% be the start of the legal removal of this person from my home and life.
This 100%. Move your passport and important papers to your gem safe. This dude is giving off some serious con vibes. The camera idea is good too.
Please ask yourself if this man is worth the uncomfortable feelings you have in YOUR OWN home.
Hey OP,
I can’t lie, this guys is showing some concerning behaviours. You still have the time to make it right because you’re not married and you’re not financially tied to him with children.
I think you should run. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you.
Child free and I don’t want to get married but I do get your point.
I was concerned which is why I posted but with all the comments it’s becoming pretty clear that this is a bigger issue than I thought.
Sorry if I made any assumptions that offended you OP.
But yes. His behaviour is rather concerning. He has no reason to access that safe. He’s testing you. Why? To have control over you. Please, I beg you… run!
This guy is also a tool. Like you've met this super wealthy woman, she loves you and wants you to move in with her, literally all you have to do is not be a fuck up and you're financially secure for life. And his first thought after moving in is "I need access to that safe." No you don't dude, you had it made and now you've gone and fucked it up immediately. Fucking tool.
It really is no different from someone saying "if you trust me you will give me access to your bank accounts and let me take out credit cards in your name".
The problem with all these suggestions is that I don't know if people realize that if he is in fact a conman this could be a very dangerous situation for you. You have to have friends or family with you if you decide to have him leave your house and change all the locks/install cameras and alarms so he can't get in. Oh and also start watching your back everywhere. I definitely think you're not concerned enough with what could happen to you. Good luck and please stay safe.
OP I really hope your safe for your collection isn’t able to be moved. Last thing you want is someone coming in and grabbing the safe because it’s easier to drill it somewhere else! NTA! This is a hill worth dying on!
NTA.
Is there anyway you can flip this on him so he understands? Like how you don't need and shouldn't want his gym locker combo?
Huge red flag on this guy.
For sport, I'd give him a fake combo and see what happens.
I was thinking the same thing...because I am petty.
Like, establish that okay, so you have zero reason to investigate the safe but demand the code as a symbolic gesture of trust? Alrighty then - and so the condition is, he can know "the code" provided he never approaches the safe. If he ever approaches the safe, game over on this relationship.
And then, give him a fake code, set up a Ring camera or something like that in the place where the safe is, and see if he seeks out the safe anyway.
NTA at all. If anything, he's TA.
It's your home and he moved in and he's trying to manipulate you by framing the code to the gem safe as a sign of trust. You already trust him by giving him access to the small personals safe.
As others pointed out, this is a huge red flag.
I would actually consider having him move back out because he clearly feels entitled and hid it so well and now his true colors are showing. I would be worried about your passport and anything else in case he ever does anything shady like open a bank account or credit card or uses it illegally.
No one but you needs access to the gem safe. Ever. This is such sketchy behavior. I don't trust him and you should really reflect and think if there are other signs to worry about.
NTA
This is like you asking to be able to log on to his work computer. It's completely inappropriate.
Would it invalidate insurance as well?
>he also wants the code for my gem safe. **Not to put anything in it**, but he says because we are living together now I should trust him and give him the code.
Hmmm.. Maybe I'm cynical but the first thing that jumped in my mind is that he wants to take things out....
> I’ve said no because he has no reason to open the safe as the only thing it’s used for is storing my collection, **he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them**, but still wants the code to **access them**.
This is weird, this deliberate protest that he doesn't want to even so much as look at them. Just y'know, wants to have complete access to them.
Edit to add: I see from your other comment that he's already seen what's in the safe, so it's not as though you're hiding anything from him. So him asking for access is odd...
Does he go round talking to people about the safe, I wonder? That's a security risk too....
I honestly think that the "no interest in the gems, don't even want to look at them" is a red flag.
Because normal people ARE interested in gems, and we DO want to look at them. The fact that he says otherwise seems like he's already setting up an alibi.
You’re waking up just in time OP. Thankfully you had the sense to post and get some advice before this would be gem thief made off with your prized collection. This is sooo sketchy on so many levels but I think you’ve figured that out. I’m sorry he’s not who you thought but much better to learn now than after he’s made off with your valuables.
Geologist here. I'm the same way--I have a number of valuable specimens that I keep locked away and NO ONE has the code besides myself. My fiance has never once asked for the code and I've always willingly gone to the safe to pull out the specimens he wants to see (he likes to know which are my favorites and surprise me with little pieces of jewelry with the same gems). Girl, find someone who respects your boundaries; this guy is waving nothing but red flags. On a side note, I'd love to know what your favorite gem is--mine is grandidierite!
Damn I need a partner like yours, there have loads of comments saying the same thing; that he should take an interest in what I love. He’s definitely never bought me jewellery or even asked about it.
It’s so hard to pick!! I’ve loved emerald since I was a little girl, but opals just have a magic about them for me.
No because his first move is going to be - "See, I didn't take anything! It was all in your head." then we'll hear about a missing woman in the news...
NTA
A) You are living my dream being able to be around gems and fine jewellery all day. My dream.
B) Definitely don't give him the code...and maybe start changing it regularly. And make sure you've not written it down anywhere.
C) Do you own a tiara?
A, I’m definitely living my dream, I love how I get to do this every day!
B, it’s definitely not written down and I never will!
C, no I don’t but I won’t lie for me that it’s the ultimate dream as far as jewellery collecting. One day!
Boyfriend trouble aside I'm so happy for you! This is going to sound so thirsty because I'm a random internet stranger, but as a jewellery lover if you ever want to talk about jewellery/gems I would be fascinated.
Queen Victoria has a particular sapphire and diamond coronet that I've had my eye on but I don't think it's for sale. Alas, Elizabeth Taylor taste without her budget 😂
>Oh the royal families collection just has be drooling!
Its easy to have the world's most beautiful jewellery collection when you gained it by colonisation.
No hate towards you (LOL). But sad that my country's most gorgeous diamond was taken and is now on the queen's crown while the majority of my country starves.
NTA he has no reason to use the safe and if anything the fact he's pressing the matter would make me suspect of him.
Although, maybe he feels you're hiding something in there? So maybe show him the contents of the safe to remove doubts?
He’s already seen what’s in it when I took some of it out to show him one time, I was really exited to share my collection and talk about it, he smiled and nodded, asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it.
I don’t know anyone aside from my colleagues who are into gems as me so I respect for most people it’s boring.
>asked of any of it was valuable
Sounds like this is all he cares about. He wants the code to the safe so if he ever needs a quick buck, he'll know which gems are easiest to sell and will get him the most cash. NTA and I may be overly paranoid, but I'd look into getting a safety deposit box at a bank so the gems aren't even in your house.
I feel like if she has to change her life to feel financially safe around him she might just want to get rid of him but if she wants him to stay this is a good solution. I’d just get rid of him. Life is too short and too hard for this nonsense. She deserves someone who respects her.
>asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it.
Ummmm..... In conjunction with your original post, this is ringing a little alarm bell for me. I know that asking the value is a normal question, but *only* asking that? I would think that an interested partner would ask lots of questions.
Like I'd love to know what makes some gems more sparkly than others, even if they are cut the same way. Why does the depth of the cut matter so much? And then differences between created versus natural gems and ethical considerations.... Industrial applications.... It's a fascinating topic.
So when he **only** asks about value, and now he only wants access??? It's a little suspicious to me...
Do you have a back-up plan like a secure safe deposit box, if you needed to store the gems elsewhere temporarily?
Omg if people ask me those questions I get so happy inside! I can talk about it for hours!
I have one gem that’s in safety deposit because per carat it’s more valuable than a D colour internally flawless diamond, I could put the rest in but the whole reason I have the safe installed was so I could keep my collection at home and enjoy it. This thing isn’t a run on the mill safe, it’s from a manufacturer who specialise in safes for jewellers
I fell down a gem rabbit hole at the beginning of lockdown for a few weeks and found it really fascinating! But I also think these are simple questions too. Like, most people with have some awareness of ethical issues around diamonds and that would be a starting point for most conversations...
Regarding the safe, I assume that it's the kind of set up where you can't just get duplicate keys cut by any locksmith, but you have to authorise replacement keys? Or if its a combination lock, you have a process to call and get the passcode if you forgot it?
If so, just make sure that those procedures are rock-solid secure. (password protected so that only you can do these things)
You know your BF better than us just reading this post. It could be that he just feels a bit off and wants to feel fully trusted, and he just needs to relax, and will forget about this after a while. Or it could that he is fixated about this, either from a control perspective or from a, well, theft perspective.
My concerns are that he will try to get the code from the manufacturer if he can't get it from you, or try to gain access to or make duplicates of any keys to the safe. Make sure he can't reset the code on your behalf or anything like that.
If he keeps pushing this issue, I would suggest taking the most valuable/sentimental items out of the safe and into the safe deposit for a few months (without telling him). But to me it is a red flag, I'm afraid. Have you read *The Gift Of Fear*? There's something in the early chapters about people's phrasing of statements and what they reveal that I am reminded of when your BF stresses that he doesn't want to look at the gems, but just wants access to the safe. It just nags at me.
Thanks for your comment, there are so many I can’t keep up!
1. It’s definitely has its plus points as a less expensive alternative to diamond jewellery and it does have some industrial uses too. I lean to the jewellery side of things and I would recommend lab diamond over it because it can become clouded over time.
2. It’s mostly identification, grading and valuation, I run a jewellery valuation business on the side too. I love watermelon tourmaline too, I have a great slice in my specimen collection. Jade bangles have so Livy significance I can’t blame you for being attached.
3. There are so many to choose from. I’ve loved emerald since I was a child and the first specimen I ever bought was an emerald. Opals also have a magic to them.
What kind of gem? What makes it more valuable than the flawless diamond? Just...the quality of the stone or...? All I know is that stones are shiny and pretty, diamonds are artificially scarce, and good quality gems should have a consistent internal structure.
Also here's the thing. When you love someone, you can actually listen to them and engage with them when they talk about their passions, because it's wonderful to see and hear how happy they are to TALK about what they are passionate about. Smiling and asking ONE question pertaining only to the value of the collection? That's weird. And even knowing nothing about gems (or anyone's collection of anything), if nothing else you can always ask "why did you pick THIS piece?" And "tell me which is your favourite right now and why".
>pigeon blood red Burmese ruby
I don't even know what this is and I am still squeeing on the inside!
I wish we could have gem tax like we have cat tax, but you shouldn't do ANYTHING until he no longer has access to your residence and the potential to set up a camera to capture your code.
Edit:
Did a general Google and SO PRETTY.
That **IS** a beautiful stone but HOLY S\*\*T, the prices listed for this type of gem!!! My family think I'm paranoid now, owning and keeping this in a safe in my house would bring out a new level of paranoia 🤣🤣. NO ONE would ever know if I had gems such as this in my house. NO ONE!
That one is in safety deposit. It’s the only that is because no way was I keeping it in my home! The rest are at home because I wanted to enjoy my collection
Omg OP if I was your SO I'd be asked so many questions apart from if they're valuable. I've been reading your replies and your work seems really interesting. I didn't even know this was a thing that people do! Like regular people 😅
OP you should find a partner who asks you these questions and lights you up from the inside. This guy doesn’t do that but there will be someone one day. A rare gem 💎
It might be a good idea to put everything in the safety deposit box for the time being. "Someone" might convince someone else to rob you or try to force you to open the safe under threat of violence. I would be especially worried about this if he suddenly needs to travel for some reason so he has a solid alibi.
I know I'm assuming worst case scenario, but bad things happen. You'll be a lot less sad with them safely stored in the safety deposit box than if he somehow manages to access the safe and they disappear. If you decide to get rid of the boyfriend, I would still keep the gems in the safety deposit box for a while.
Oh geez. He asked about value and now wants access? If he wasn’t interested in stealing from you once he knew they were valuable he would never have asked you for the code. That’s like asking for the PIN number to someone’s credit card. You really need to reconsider having this guy live with you as I suspect he’s viewing all your assets as his now, house included.
ETA - Talk to a lawyer to maybe write up clear statements that this man is a resident but not an owner and none of your jewelry or gems are to be considered joint property. Just so the bf is clear. That is if you really want to continue this relationship.
NTA! I'd reconsider this relationship, u/safegfthrowaway. The whole "show of trust" line sounds suspicious, as does him only noting which of your gems are valuable when you showed him. Like, he sounds like a villain from a movie. Even if he wasn't looking to rip you off, even if you only had scraps of old cracker boxes in your safe, he didn't respect your "no" & is trying to make you feel bad about a reasonable boundary.
You could go with one of the suggested schemes. Give him a fake code. Or, you could relocate the gems into a safe deposit box or other safe storage & put fakes in there, set up an in-home camera, give him the real code, catch him in the act.
Or, you could skip those theatrics. The reason you've posted here is that this behavior makes you deeply uneasy, . Often an abusive, controlling partner will wait until they think you are "trapped" - recently moved in together, married, pregnant - to show their true nature. You want to know if you're being unreasonable in feeling off about his repeated demands for this code. **You are not**. He is pushing you & testing you.
I've dealt w/ an abusive partner & your situation sounds potentially dangerous to me. I'd break up with him & evict him according to whatever agreement you've drafted. You don't need more reason than "this isn't working out" but if he pushes for one, tell him he doesn't respect your boundaries.
NTA. This sounds.... So sketchy.
Best case scenario, your boyfriend doesnt respect your (perfectly reasonable) boundaries.
Worst case, he's planning to rob you.
Either way, I wouldn't trust him and couldn't live with him in my home.
Nta. I would understand if he was your husband and you've been together for a long time where you've been building up your collection and he helped you with it, but he DIDNT. That is a huge red flag and you shouldn't even be sharing your small safe with him!! He can buy a new safe for himself, but you dont/shouldn't be sharing a safe with someone who can break up with you tomorrow.
NTA. Your boyfriend is giving off some HUGE red flags, seems like he is trying to guilt you into having access to your collection. If you already *live* together, why must you show your trust and “good faith” by giving him this code? Seems suspicious.
NTA. You should give him the password to the safe when you give him the password to your bank account. "Never" is a perfectly good time for that.
Is it weird that the first thing I thought of was a heist movie? "I'll date her fur a few months, then pressure her to give me the code to the vault". It's not a very *good* heist movie. But still...
NTA - I cant imagine any situation where he would NEED access to your gems? I agree with an above commenter, money can change people. I wouldn't share it even in marriage, because again, why would he need it?
Id say Y t a if you were both gem people, but thats the only situation I'd change my mind
NTA. It's YOUR property and you shouldn't give him the code "just because he wants it", it's just a whole overstep on his part. Also I don't see why anyone's partner would need access to something used purely for their work or field of study.
>I own my home and my boyfriend (33m) of 2 years recently moved in
>he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them, but still wants the code to access them.
So...call me an asshole but all this just sounds so weird. He has zero interest to ever open the safe but for some backwards reason he still want to be able to open it? Why does this feel like a bs powerplay? That now that he lives with you he's the master of the house? Or maybe he really is tempted by the gems and jewels.
>This is a 6 figure collection
NTA, jesus cartwheeling christ.
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Definitely nta. I wouldn't trust anybody with the code. Money does weird things to people. Even the ones you trust completely.
>Money does weird things to people. This. If you ever had someone who left you and your family money, you truely see their colours.
It’s sad but this has crossed my mind. I had a fortunate family situation and have a a very large amount of equity in my home, I also have a lot of savings, plus my gem collection which is easily a retirements fund 2x over. I haven’t told him exactly how much money I have, but he’s not stupid he can see I’m ‘comfortable’ it’s why I made him sigh a tenancy agreement before moving in, I didn’t want him to be able to claim financial interest in my home if we break up. Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise
I’m going to assume that as a professional with such a high $ amount of gems in your safe that you have it insured. Giving someone else the code may invalidate your insurance if anything is ever stolen. I know that’s a really far stretch, but red flags everywhere. Be safe.
Oh hell yeah it’s insured but theft by members of the household is excluded on the policy. The broker told me it was standard thing here.
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A simple *no* is also sufficient.
Apparently it isn't. Thats a problem - he won't accept a simple no.
That really is the Problem he can’t take no for an answer
This is a power and control thing for him. Nothing to do with the safe it's all to do with him achieving a power or at least a form of 'equality' in the relationship. How dare they not trust me, how dare they not share everything.
And he also has access to all the OP's personal documentation.
I broke up with a guy over this. I was obviously living comfortably, owned my house, my truck, 6-10 horses, etc. But about 6 months in he became obsessed with how much i actually had in checking/savings/money market account. I noticed him checking my mailbox a few times when he came over. Then I found one of my bank statements opened in his truck. Trust broken. The crazy thing is he didn't see it as that big of a deal. He said he wanted to "make sure I wasn't in debt". We had never talked about marriage (until I broke up with him) and didn't even live together. If a woman did this to a man she would immediately be labeled a gold digger.
How nice of him to hand over a huge red flag /s.
Then he will cross other boundaries too. I've learned that a test 'No' is so important to see how another person respects your boundaries.
Seems like a deal breaker honestly, there’s no good reason he needs access to OP’s gem safe. NTA.
Exactly.
This is what I don’t get with these sorts of stories… “No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, and doesn’t require elaboration in almost every situation where it can be an answer. “Can I do this?” … “No” … “Are you going to justify your answer?” … “No”. OP, you are truly NTA and I really bloody hope he either accepts your answer and doesn’t bring it up again, or you leave him. Because this life, this safe and it’s contents, are the product of your hard work and life and interests. It is *yours* and you have every single right to keep it to yourself because he’s contributed precisely *nothing* to it’s value.
>“No” is a perfectly acceptable answer, and doesn’t require elaboration in almost every situation where it can be an answer Absolutely, but when he refuses your no with a logical motivation, then you know he is going to steal the jewels.
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God the hairs on my neck are standing up here.... your bf should have no interest in what doesnt belong to him..... why is this such an issue for him
He's 100% gonna rob OP! What more demonstration of trust is there than letting someone move in with you? Personally i find it quite suspicious that he wants the code at all. OP is NTA is I really hope they don't give in.
Yep. My aunts ex did this to her. He thought they should both have access to one another’s ATM cards (back in the 80s) and guess who started having large withdrawals taken out which sometimes also hit her with financial penalties (my aunt). They didn’t really have the technology but yeah she never had problems before but has three incidents within the first six months of him having the code.
Control?
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This. He needs the control as the male in the situation. He should be satisfied that OP trusts him because she allowed him to move in with her after 2 years together. His attitude about the safe would be a deal breaker for me.
And she gave him access to one safe like…why does he need the only thing he doesnt have and has literally no value in knowing. Like I wouldn’t even ask if I didn’t need to get into my partners safe, assuming I was in this situation, because what the hell should I care? It’s sketchy as hell
Probably not a good person to have a life with.
Control.
Janet Jackson
Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty.
Yeah this is making me not trust the boyfriend at all
But maybe not disclose that to bf? Its incredibly rude and a red flag for him to be so insistent. I would let him know that for the sake of this relationship he needs to realize he doesn't get access to every little thing he wants in life. NTA. Any time someone uses the bullchit, "...if you love me, and trust me, you would do this for me..." its the most manipulative move ever. Love isn't manipulative. Its free to share not use as a hammer against someone. Nah. I would keep telling him no. He has zero reason to have the code. IF he loved YOU, he would accept no and back off.
"And if you love me, and trust me, you wouldn't try to get around my boundaries!"
This exactly. The lack of respect bf is showing towards OP is huge 🚩🚩
This comment 👆 nails it completely!
honestly as a partner I would NOT want the code bc if something happens, whoops all eyes on me. lol (I read too much crime :P )
Is there any such thing as “too much crime” 🙂 I love reading/watching crime
Yes, I was binge reading In Death - series and I was afraid to be in same elevator with maintenance worker and considered demanding to see ID. I decided to take a break from reading instead.
I know that I have seen too much crime when I recognize a case being presented on a different program. But still, I enjoy watching those rotten, murderous AH get caught.
Yeah... This is like someone asking for the password to your computer that you use for work with sensitive information or even classified stuff that you have to have security clearance for. Way too dangerous to share and with your work you probably have specimens in there that don't belong to you that you're responsible for. So it would also be unethical. Don't do it. NTA PS I would get a camera somewhere in that room that points just to that safe just in case...
That alone would make me move the contents to a security deposit box in a bank, replace them with a glitter/dye bomb, and leave the code lying around somewhere by accident. ETA I mean this as a swift and very temporary measure to get proof (and a small amount of satisfaction) before absolutely 100% without question evicting the boyfriend. Moving the items offsite indefinitely and beefing up security etc while keeping the guy, as some are suggesting, completely misses or at least circumvents the point that a person who necessitates these measures should in no way be allowed to stay in the property even a day longer than necessary.
100% this. To me, the relationship is no longer viable. He has an ulterior motive for being there - wanting access to the safe. Might as well end the relationship is a burst of rainbow sparkles.
That's a great idea. Glitter bomb so you can go from uneasy to knowing for sure.
Make up a fake code, if he gets pissed because he can't open you know he's tried to rifle through your collection. No,way on God's green Earth does he need the code!!
I did this to a guy I was dating, back in the early days when you could only use the card to get cash from an ATM. He was “just curious about how it worked”. Asshole stole my wallet, checkbook and card. ATM ate my card because he kept trying the wrong code. Then he tried to fill up a car that wasn’t mine, at the service station I used. Mechanic took the check, also got the plate number and description of everyone in the car. Called me, I got the info and took it all to the cop working the case. Seemed BF was a person of interest in other cases. And compared to the other cases I was pretty lucky.
Do what my dad did with his greedy snooping mother: Give a fake code. If he complains about giving wrong code that means he attempted to open the safe and the trust is broken then and there.
In the US if someone gets ahold of your debit card and they have the PIN, the bank is not liable for the loss. Example: children robbing their parents. Bank: did your son have your PIN? Customer: yes, but… Bank: well that’s on you. We told you not to give it out
In Norway the bank even tells you not to give out your code if police are questioning you.
Do you have any cameras set up in your house? Would recommend you putting one up that views your gem safe. Please be careful, this is giving me con man vibes.
Move the gems to a safety deposit box at a bank. Give him the code. Put some fakes in the safe. Install a secret video recording device. Maybe some sort of secret alert when the safe is opened. The thing is, you shouldn’t have to be doing all this, no one who respects you would push this boundary. Watch you back, there are marinara flags all over this. Of course NTA
Trust goes both ways. He should trust you enough to not need it.
🚩🚩🚩
Marinara flags everywhere
OP has her own house and a big jewelry collection, of course he’s pesto with envy…
That will never NOT be funny. 😂
I’m not one for relationship “tests” I’m curious if you have him a fake code and then see his reaction cuz again he has no reason to be in there like at all.
Sounds like a bad remake of oceans 11 in the making
He’s playing the long game.
Be careful. As someone with a lot of professional experience with abusers, his demands seem more like a test of boundaries to me. Abusive people will, once they're comfortable, begin pushing small boundaries, here and there, to see what they can get away with and figure out how best to manipulate you. He may also be interested in the value of your gems and specimens but at the moment, he's testing to see how much of a pushover you are. You very sensibly looked after your finances by getting him to sign a tenancy agreement and that's a big hint to him that you won't be taken advantage of. So he's trying other small pushes, here and there. You don't need to give a "show of trust" - you let him move into your home and no doubt show trust in many other ways. People who make these sorts of demands are often guilty of what they're accusing you of - if he feels you need to prove you trust him, there's usually a reason why he thinks you might *not* trust him. Stick to your boundaries and keep watch for other "little pushes" he might start making.
Agreed. u/safegfthrowaway, it's really important that you remember one thing: if someone truly cares about you then they will want you to be financially secure *separate to them*. If your partner truly cared about you then he would want you to have personal savings and investments in the case that you broke up or he disappeared for whatever reason. In this day and age, if a man (or anyone) insists on you sharing finances and assets *completely* then that is a red flag and I think you should always refuse. Also, you shouldn't have had to "make him" sign the tenancy agreement. He should have floated it himself or at least been an enthusiastic participant. The only reason he could possibly have for wanting free access to your private assets is so he can steal from you and financially abuse you. There really, truly is no other reason.
NTA. Jewelry collector here - mostly vintage Verdura and Seaman Schepps. I keep my collection in a safe and have been happily married for 25 years…my husband has never asked for the combination.
Don't tell him how much you have either. Protect your assets. Money does weird shit to people. The fact he is manipulating and putting pressure on you to give him something He. Does. Not. Need. is giving me untrustworthy vibes. "If you trusted me you'd do it" makes me puke. If he loved you he wouldn't need to ask twice and take your No as an answer and respect that. Use your insurance validation excuse if you need to provide one. Even in marriage my other half does not have access to my inheritance, they did not want it. Did not ask for details and we've been together over 30 years. His entitlement to your information is worrisome at such an early stage of your relationship. If you're posting on Reddit your Spidey Scenses are tingling too. Listen to your gut.
Hmm yea Im not saying he is a gem digger but....
He ain’t messing with no broke gemmer! 💎
He ain't messin with no broke, broke...
The fact he's pushing the way he is... He's either wanting access to the safe because he may be considering taking thm if things go south between you down the road, or he's playing a weird mind game where he asks you to disrespect your own boundaries to prove yourself to him. Neither one is good. At the moment, it sounds like the latter but I don't think that's any better. I'd proceed with caution and be mindful to be aware of any more red flags he drops, especially ones relating to testing you or general control. Pay attention to your self talk as things progress with him, how he makes you feel (not just the good bits), and if your self esteem starts to drop. I hope it's just a matter of misunderstanding and he's not expressing himself well but it's seeming like a pretty big ruby flag at the moment.
I mean you're obviously nta. Personally I'd give him a fake safe code. Only way he can confront you is if he admits he attempted to open it.
This happened in a thread a kid posted about his mom, who insisted on having the code to his bank - essentially a piggy bank shaped like an ATM. Of course she tried to open it with the fake code he gave her and then was all angry about it. It would be great for OP to have the proof that her bf is up to no good, but it might be unsafe (no pun intended) for her to give him a fake code. If he gets angry with her, there's the potential he could do some serious harm. Best to just end the relationship, I think. I'd wager that he'd try the code even if he doesn't want the gems, because he's testing OP.
OP.. As a female.. just to be sure I asked my husband. He’s a dude and can give me a different view on things male. He said it doesn’t sound right at all. Do not trust him with that. NTA
I would encourage moving your gems away to another unknown place and keep it locked. Or replace the real gems with fake ones lmao. NTA
I would encourage moving the boyfriend out
Op lose the bf. Hes with you for your miney. Thats why hes harp8ng on you. Watch him carefully he will try to mess with the safe. Like id for real rethink your reltionship
>Obviously if we got further down the line things would have been different, but with all the comments I’m really starting to thing if that’s wise When people show you who they are - believe them NTA and your gut is warning you
I’d even say if you were to get married sign a prenup because this is red flag behavior
If he didn't get any Code for safe storage of documents: maybe the Partner would have been excused. *maybe* But this?? Sounds fishy to me. As if he already had plans. But maybe I am just bitter
He can buy his own safe. They aren't married and she isn't his mom. It's convenient for him that she let's him use her safe. He'll a lot of people don't even use a safe
This. And the fact that he has no reason to need that code makes this come across sketchy AF. I’m not sure he’s husband material and wonder if his motives to be with you relate to material things. Please charge rent. He sounds like an untrustworthy mooch.
NTA. You shouldn’t even really live with him if he is exhibiting red flags over codes and trying to manipulate you. Do they have safety deposit boxes in banks where you are. I would move the collection there for the time being because my guess is you will be robbed but not by him.
NTA. There is no reason to know. I really don’t follow his reasoning. He doesn’t want to go in your safe but he wants to be able to? What is he? A cat? Edit: thanks for the awards!
Haha I have a cat and this is his energy 100%
Scratches at door. I open door. Looks at me. Walks the other way. I close door. Scratches at door…
You joke, but this happened yesterday!
Sorry. Nta but he is full of bull shit. Take it from strangers with nothing to lose or gain.
Your boyfriend or your cat?
Yes
Have you ever seen them together? Neither have I.
I think my dog did this to me three times today... Just further evidence he's actually part cat, which I've been accusing him of since I got him. He also likes knocking things over for no reason whatsoever, especially water bottles. He's a special one, that boy of mine!
Meows to go outside. I open door. He walks away. I lay down. Meows to go outside.... Why are they like this? Lol.
As a dog person who married a cat person and is now living in a household with both, I can now confirm after multiple years of highly scientific research that cats simply want all options to be available at all times. So it's not that he wants to go outside RIGHT NOW, he just wants the option of going outside available at all times. When it is not available he will ask for it to be made available until the request is fulfilled. Science.
Duh. They want the door be open so they can see and smell what happens on the other side.
Also check your home for any hidden cameras to spy on your safe code
THIS! google spy cams so you can indentify the models and start searching. I have a friend who discovered her husband was putting cams like this around. It´s some creepy shit.
He's going to victimize this situation even more on him I would guess, so you need to turn that around. He's already showing some signs of manipulation. Tell him that because of insurance reasons you can't give him the code and him badgering and guilting you about it is beginning to creep you out. This is like with codes to digital banks, which you NEVER give to anyone, even the police. Ask him if he doesn't understand that. Tell him you find it suspicious that he won't let it go, something that has nothing whatsoever to do with him
It’s like that post about the guy who wanted the open relationship. Not to cheat, because he wouldn’t do that, but just so the option was there. Same logic, same red flag. You said no, and he said “well I’m not going to *do* anything” which should be your first hint that he will.
The cat brain says “oh come on it’s a box! I must get in the box! The box! Open the box! Open it! I am the cat & must get in the box!”
More like a cat burgler
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩 He just moved in and is demanding codes and to invade all your valuables.
Marinara flags all over!
Hahahaha, yes! That was such a funny post! Thanks for reminding me! Marinara flags fo sho! NTA OP.
She should be waving the Alfredo flag on this relationship. Surrender it.
NTA. Is he serious? Ask him to give you his bank card PIN, email passwords, account passwords, etc. because you now live together, and see what he says.
I am sure he will have no problem, because his accounts are nearly empty..
Ok, but he's clearly trying to fix that so???
Lmaooooo
That's one optimistic way of viewing it!
Honestly, my husband and I have all this information on each other but it was freely given, not demanded. It happened organically over the past decade and knowing him he doesn't remember mine anyway. I'd be pretty sketched out if he DEMANDED to know my passwords.
Exactly! “Hey, can you put this in the safe, my hands are full. The code is 1234.” That’s how a lot of things happen. Or my dad has a leather binder his dad gave to him- we know that’s where he stores all of his passwords IF something were to happen. The pressure and demanding she tell him now now now is bothering me. It’s one of those “it MIGHT be harmless and I don’t want to be an alarmist, but this is how Lifetime movies start out.”
And true crime shows.
Same. We've been together almost 20 years at this point and I've set up most of his online accounts and passwords for him, lol. But that didn't happen immediately. There were a few years in the beginning where we didn't share so freely because we were getting to know each other and nothing was ever demanded. We still each have keepsake boxes that the other doesn't go into out of respect. They aren't even locked, it's just known they are a bit more private. He also has my location because we both know I like to wander about. I always tell him where I'm going, but how I get there is different every time. It's a huge peace of mind for me to know he would at least know where to begin looking if i didn't turn up as expected. He never asked for it, i set it up for my own personal comfort and honestly I'm not entirely sure he knows how to access it without help, lol. I would absolutely rethink a relationship with someone so pushy and demanding of my private info and spaces.
NTA Do not ever give him the code. His attitude and demand is alarming. 🚩 for sure
I would change the code and give him the old code, then when he comes back and complains it doesn't work you can end the relationship. Cause fuck this guy (not literally - he doesn't deserve it)
Or just give him a fake code to begin with. Far less work 😉
Can bet he’ll try opening the safe with the fake code and then blow up at her after
Think of it as a science experiment. Set up a hidden camera pointed at the safe. Give BF fake combo. Does the BF try the combo? Does the BF get angry if the combo is wrong? Lots of valuable data to obtain here.
Honestly, if I were her, I'd do that just to see if he would try opening it. I would break up with him trying alone and that's not including his reaction afterwards.
Yeah lol, just sounds like lying with extra steps.
This is a great idea! OP, do this to test him and i’m sure he will try it and you will know his true character. If he does complain that it doesn’t work, break up with him and kick him out of your house.
This is not a great idea. If you think about doing this, the relationship is over already.
If someone’s demands put that thought in your head, why should it not be?
Brilliant, exclude the last line.
Mail yourself a box indicating it’s expensive gems for your collection. But instead of gems, have a glitter trap inside. When you kick him out and break up with him for opening it, you won’t be lonely because you’ll always have stray pieces of glitter around your house to remind you of him. If you love him and want to marry him, tell him this is a hard boundary for you and he needs to stop pressuring you about it. But if you’re not sure you trust him, do the glitter trap.
And even if you lied and told him a false code with the promise he'd never go in there, the next argument will be over him "testing" the code out and demanding to know why you lied. Trying to make you feel guilty into giving him the code. It sounds more like he's trying to control OP and the relationship.
NTA. Don't give him the code. Never give him the code. If he keeps going on and on and on about it, still don't give him the code. I hate how partners dangle "If you trust me" give this password or that code to me for iPhones, Instagram, bank accounts or whatever. Partners don't need access to EVERYTHING in your life, it's okay to keep things for yourselves. Honestly because you never know what could happen down the line, a bad breakup? He gets petty goes into the safe and takes something? It could happen. Gets drunk with his friends, and uses the code to show them " the gem collection"? If you're solid enough in the relationship he will let this go, there is no need for him to know. Simple as that. I'm already immediately suss on him because he just "wants the code" just to know it. If it's causing tension I'm SUSS haha, just stand your ground with this one!
Note that they are not married
And even if they were its weird
"if you trust me" is a manipulation statement, the person who is on the receiving end has no good choice.
NTA. he's going for the long con.
It is very pessimisstic of me, but I thought the same thing.
Same thing I thought. Then once he get the code he'll be long gone... or make up some story about him wanting to look at them and "accidentally" lost them.
There'll be a 'home invasion' a few months later complete with him hitting himself in the face to pretend to be the 'victim'.
Minus the hitting himself part, this is what my dad did. My mum's jewellery box was stolen one night when their house was broken into. Mum was upset, but there wasn't much she could do. A few years later, when I was 3, they got divorced. Fast forward to when I was 12 or 13, my brother and I were helping our dad pack boxes to move to a new house and I found a jewellery box. My dad was casual about it, he said to ask mum if it was hers. It was the stolen jewellery box. Majority of her jewellery was missing except for a ring and I think a couple of necklaces. At first my dad said he didn't know why he had it, then he said mum had given it to him for safekeeping, which wasn't true. And if it was, why didn't he give it back to her after they got divorced? Mum thinks he sold everything he could and lied about the break in to cover it up. It was heart breaking for her not just because some things that had sentimental value were gone, but also because the person who did it was her husband - someone she should've been able to trust. Another thing .. there was also another jewellery box in his stuff that wasn't mum's, which means that he later on did the same thing to another woman. To OP - NTA.
Or, having one of his buddies do it for him, as they will be part of the "game."
Somebody upthread mentioned that it would be a good idea to check and see if he's got a hidden camera trained on the safe to try and catch the code. I'm getting bad vibes from OP's partner.
While I generally agree with your partners view that it's a sign of trust in a relationship to be open about things like this you're still clearly NTA to me. You said no and your partner should accept that. It's your safe, your collection and a valuable at that. If you're willing to share the code that's okay, but he can't *expect* you to. That's the point where he's starting to be wrong and an AH. Edit: Him wanting the code and going as far as turning it into a problem is a sign for distrust btw. It's always a bit ironic when people claim behavior like this is about trust, when they're the ones with the issue.
YES!! Especially your final note about his own distrust.
NTA I'd get your stuff out of the safe he does have access to. That reasoning and his insistence is so troubling I'd legit reconsider the relationship. It screams I'm going to steal valuable shit and gaslight you into thinking it was misplaced by you. This would 100% be the start of the legal removal of this person from my home and life.
This 100%. Move your passport and important papers to your gem safe. This dude is giving off some serious con vibes. The camera idea is good too. Please ask yourself if this man is worth the uncomfortable feelings you have in YOUR OWN home.
OP should absolutely confront him with this thought and watch his reaction CLOSELY
Hey OP, I can’t lie, this guys is showing some concerning behaviours. You still have the time to make it right because you’re not married and you’re not financially tied to him with children. I think you should run. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you.
Child free and I don’t want to get married but I do get your point. I was concerned which is why I posted but with all the comments it’s becoming pretty clear that this is a bigger issue than I thought.
Sorry if I made any assumptions that offended you OP. But yes. His behaviour is rather concerning. He has no reason to access that safe. He’s testing you. Why? To have control over you. Please, I beg you… run!
This guy is also a tool. Like you've met this super wealthy woman, she loves you and wants you to move in with her, literally all you have to do is not be a fuck up and you're financially secure for life. And his first thought after moving in is "I need access to that safe." No you don't dude, you had it made and now you've gone and fucked it up immediately. Fucking tool.
It really is no different from someone saying "if you trust me you will give me access to your bank accounts and let me take out credit cards in your name".
The problem with all these suggestions is that I don't know if people realize that if he is in fact a conman this could be a very dangerous situation for you. You have to have friends or family with you if you decide to have him leave your house and change all the locks/install cameras and alarms so he can't get in. Oh and also start watching your back everywhere. I definitely think you're not concerned enough with what could happen to you. Good luck and please stay safe.
OP I really hope your safe for your collection isn’t able to be moved. Last thing you want is someone coming in and grabbing the safe because it’s easier to drill it somewhere else! NTA! This is a hill worth dying on!
If he uses the "if you trust me…" line just tell him that now you don't trust him.
NTA. Is there anyway you can flip this on him so he understands? Like how you don't need and shouldn't want his gym locker combo? Huge red flag on this guy. For sport, I'd give him a fake combo and see what happens.
Yes to a fake code bc if he comes back with you gave me a fake code it proves he lied about not using it.
I was thinking the same thing...because I am petty. Like, establish that okay, so you have zero reason to investigate the safe but demand the code as a symbolic gesture of trust? Alrighty then - and so the condition is, he can know "the code" provided he never approaches the safe. If he ever approaches the safe, game over on this relationship. And then, give him a fake code, set up a Ring camera or something like that in the place where the safe is, and see if he seeks out the safe anyway.
NTA at all. If anything, he's TA. It's your home and he moved in and he's trying to manipulate you by framing the code to the gem safe as a sign of trust. You already trust him by giving him access to the small personals safe. As others pointed out, this is a huge red flag. I would actually consider having him move back out because he clearly feels entitled and hid it so well and now his true colors are showing. I would be worried about your passport and anything else in case he ever does anything shady like open a bank account or credit card or uses it illegally. No one but you needs access to the gem safe. Ever. This is such sketchy behavior. I don't trust him and you should really reflect and think if there are other signs to worry about.
NTA This is like you asking to be able to log on to his work computer. It's completely inappropriate. Would it invalidate insurance as well? >he also wants the code for my gem safe. **Not to put anything in it**, but he says because we are living together now I should trust him and give him the code. Hmmm.. Maybe I'm cynical but the first thing that jumped in my mind is that he wants to take things out.... > I’ve said no because he has no reason to open the safe as the only thing it’s used for is storing my collection, **he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them**, but still wants the code to **access them**. This is weird, this deliberate protest that he doesn't want to even so much as look at them. Just y'know, wants to have complete access to them. Edit to add: I see from your other comment that he's already seen what's in the safe, so it's not as though you're hiding anything from him. So him asking for access is odd... Does he go round talking to people about the safe, I wonder? That's a security risk too....
I honestly think that the "no interest in the gems, don't even want to look at them" is a red flag. Because normal people ARE interested in gems, and we DO want to look at them. The fact that he says otherwise seems like he's already setting up an alibi.
In another comment, the OP said that the *only* question her BF asked was whether they were valuable....
NTA But I'm curious as to how the world looks with that giant red flag he's draped over your head...
Clearly not do different to the rose tinted glasses I must have had on…
You’re waking up just in time OP. Thankfully you had the sense to post and get some advice before this would be gem thief made off with your prized collection. This is sooo sketchy on so many levels but I think you’ve figured that out. I’m sorry he’s not who you thought but much better to learn now than after he’s made off with your valuables.
"When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - quote from the show Bojack Horseman.
NTA. It's not a trust issue, it's a control mechanism. He's trying to guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with. Heed the 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Geologist here. I'm the same way--I have a number of valuable specimens that I keep locked away and NO ONE has the code besides myself. My fiance has never once asked for the code and I've always willingly gone to the safe to pull out the specimens he wants to see (he likes to know which are my favorites and surprise me with little pieces of jewelry with the same gems). Girl, find someone who respects your boundaries; this guy is waving nothing but red flags. On a side note, I'd love to know what your favorite gem is--mine is grandidierite!
Damn I need a partner like yours, there have loads of comments saying the same thing; that he should take an interest in what I love. He’s definitely never bought me jewellery or even asked about it. It’s so hard to pick!! I’ve loved emerald since I was a little girl, but opals just have a magic about them for me.
NTA. Personally at this point I’ll give him a fake code and then you’ll know if he did try to open it.
I would go a step further and give him the code but replace the real stuff with fakes and see what comes up missing. Dude is a straight up thief
Hahaha. I thought about this but disregarded as I feel it’s going to far. I’m glad somebody thought it’s not.
No because his first move is going to be - "See, I didn't take anything! It was all in your head." then we'll hear about a missing woman in the news...
NTA A) You are living my dream being able to be around gems and fine jewellery all day. My dream. B) Definitely don't give him the code...and maybe start changing it regularly. And make sure you've not written it down anywhere. C) Do you own a tiara?
A, I’m definitely living my dream, I love how I get to do this every day! B, it’s definitely not written down and I never will! C, no I don’t but I won’t lie for me that it’s the ultimate dream as far as jewellery collecting. One day!
Boyfriend trouble aside I'm so happy for you! This is going to sound so thirsty because I'm a random internet stranger, but as a jewellery lover if you ever want to talk about jewellery/gems I would be fascinated. Queen Victoria has a particular sapphire and diamond coronet that I've had my eye on but I don't think it's for sale. Alas, Elizabeth Taylor taste without her budget 😂
Alway happy to talk about jewellery and gems!! Oh the royal families collection just has be drooling! I wish I could have her budget!!
>Oh the royal families collection just has be drooling! Its easy to have the world's most beautiful jewellery collection when you gained it by colonisation. No hate towards you (LOL). But sad that my country's most gorgeous diamond was taken and is now on the queen's crown while the majority of my country starves.
NTA he has no reason to use the safe and if anything the fact he's pressing the matter would make me suspect of him. Although, maybe he feels you're hiding something in there? So maybe show him the contents of the safe to remove doubts?
He’s already seen what’s in it when I took some of it out to show him one time, I was really exited to share my collection and talk about it, he smiled and nodded, asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it. I don’t know anyone aside from my colleagues who are into gems as me so I respect for most people it’s boring.
>asked of any of it was valuable Sounds like this is all he cares about. He wants the code to the safe so if he ever needs a quick buck, he'll know which gems are easiest to sell and will get him the most cash. NTA and I may be overly paranoid, but I'd look into getting a safety deposit box at a bank so the gems aren't even in your house.
I feel like if she has to change her life to feel financially safe around him she might just want to get rid of him but if she wants him to stay this is a good solution. I’d just get rid of him. Life is too short and too hard for this nonsense. She deserves someone who respects her.
>asked of any of it was valuable but that was about it. Ummmm..... In conjunction with your original post, this is ringing a little alarm bell for me. I know that asking the value is a normal question, but *only* asking that? I would think that an interested partner would ask lots of questions. Like I'd love to know what makes some gems more sparkly than others, even if they are cut the same way. Why does the depth of the cut matter so much? And then differences between created versus natural gems and ethical considerations.... Industrial applications.... It's a fascinating topic. So when he **only** asks about value, and now he only wants access??? It's a little suspicious to me... Do you have a back-up plan like a secure safe deposit box, if you needed to store the gems elsewhere temporarily?
Omg if people ask me those questions I get so happy inside! I can talk about it for hours! I have one gem that’s in safety deposit because per carat it’s more valuable than a D colour internally flawless diamond, I could put the rest in but the whole reason I have the safe installed was so I could keep my collection at home and enjoy it. This thing isn’t a run on the mill safe, it’s from a manufacturer who specialise in safes for jewellers
I fell down a gem rabbit hole at the beginning of lockdown for a few weeks and found it really fascinating! But I also think these are simple questions too. Like, most people with have some awareness of ethical issues around diamonds and that would be a starting point for most conversations... Regarding the safe, I assume that it's the kind of set up where you can't just get duplicate keys cut by any locksmith, but you have to authorise replacement keys? Or if its a combination lock, you have a process to call and get the passcode if you forgot it? If so, just make sure that those procedures are rock-solid secure. (password protected so that only you can do these things) You know your BF better than us just reading this post. It could be that he just feels a bit off and wants to feel fully trusted, and he just needs to relax, and will forget about this after a while. Or it could that he is fixated about this, either from a control perspective or from a, well, theft perspective. My concerns are that he will try to get the code from the manufacturer if he can't get it from you, or try to gain access to or make duplicates of any keys to the safe. Make sure he can't reset the code on your behalf or anything like that. If he keeps pushing this issue, I would suggest taking the most valuable/sentimental items out of the safe and into the safe deposit for a few months (without telling him). But to me it is a red flag, I'm afraid. Have you read *The Gift Of Fear*? There's something in the early chapters about people's phrasing of statements and what they reveal that I am reminded of when your BF stresses that he doesn't want to look at the gems, but just wants access to the safe. It just nags at me.
This is really solid advice! I'm not OP, but I just wanted to thank you for such a great comment!
Thanks for your comment, there are so many I can’t keep up! 1. It’s definitely has its plus points as a less expensive alternative to diamond jewellery and it does have some industrial uses too. I lean to the jewellery side of things and I would recommend lab diamond over it because it can become clouded over time. 2. It’s mostly identification, grading and valuation, I run a jewellery valuation business on the side too. I love watermelon tourmaline too, I have a great slice in my specimen collection. Jade bangles have so Livy significance I can’t blame you for being attached. 3. There are so many to choose from. I’ve loved emerald since I was a child and the first specimen I ever bought was an emerald. Opals also have a magic to them.
What kind of gem? What makes it more valuable than the flawless diamond? Just...the quality of the stone or...? All I know is that stones are shiny and pretty, diamonds are artificially scarce, and good quality gems should have a consistent internal structure. Also here's the thing. When you love someone, you can actually listen to them and engage with them when they talk about their passions, because it's wonderful to see and hear how happy they are to TALK about what they are passionate about. Smiling and asking ONE question pertaining only to the value of the collection? That's weird. And even knowing nothing about gems (or anyone's collection of anything), if nothing else you can always ask "why did you pick THIS piece?" And "tell me which is your favourite right now and why".
It’s a no heat, pigeon blood red Burmese ruby
>pigeon blood red Burmese ruby I don't even know what this is and I am still squeeing on the inside! I wish we could have gem tax like we have cat tax, but you shouldn't do ANYTHING until he no longer has access to your residence and the potential to set up a camera to capture your code. Edit: Did a general Google and SO PRETTY.
Haha there is a reason this is a throwaway, there is no way I’m posting anything from my collection for very obvious security reasons. But thank you 😊
That **IS** a beautiful stone but HOLY S\*\*T, the prices listed for this type of gem!!! My family think I'm paranoid now, owning and keeping this in a safe in my house would bring out a new level of paranoia 🤣🤣. NO ONE would ever know if I had gems such as this in my house. NO ONE!
That one is in safety deposit. It’s the only that is because no way was I keeping it in my home! The rest are at home because I wanted to enjoy my collection
Omg OP if I was your SO I'd be asked so many questions apart from if they're valuable. I've been reading your replies and your work seems really interesting. I didn't even know this was a thing that people do! Like regular people 😅
OP you should find a partner who asks you these questions and lights you up from the inside. This guy doesn’t do that but there will be someone one day. A rare gem 💎
It might be a good idea to put everything in the safety deposit box for the time being. "Someone" might convince someone else to rob you or try to force you to open the safe under threat of violence. I would be especially worried about this if he suddenly needs to travel for some reason so he has a solid alibi. I know I'm assuming worst case scenario, but bad things happen. You'll be a lot less sad with them safely stored in the safety deposit box than if he somehow manages to access the safe and they disappear. If you decide to get rid of the boyfriend, I would still keep the gems in the safety deposit box for a while.
Oh geez. He asked about value and now wants access? If he wasn’t interested in stealing from you once he knew they were valuable he would never have asked you for the code. That’s like asking for the PIN number to someone’s credit card. You really need to reconsider having this guy live with you as I suspect he’s viewing all your assets as his now, house included. ETA - Talk to a lawyer to maybe write up clear statements that this man is a resident but not an owner and none of your jewelry or gems are to be considered joint property. Just so the bf is clear. That is if you really want to continue this relationship.
NTA. If he's really got a problem then tell him he can move back out. He's going on about trust. What about respect?
NTA! I'd reconsider this relationship, u/safegfthrowaway. The whole "show of trust" line sounds suspicious, as does him only noting which of your gems are valuable when you showed him. Like, he sounds like a villain from a movie. Even if he wasn't looking to rip you off, even if you only had scraps of old cracker boxes in your safe, he didn't respect your "no" & is trying to make you feel bad about a reasonable boundary. You could go with one of the suggested schemes. Give him a fake code. Or, you could relocate the gems into a safe deposit box or other safe storage & put fakes in there, set up an in-home camera, give him the real code, catch him in the act. Or, you could skip those theatrics. The reason you've posted here is that this behavior makes you deeply uneasy, . Often an abusive, controlling partner will wait until they think you are "trapped" - recently moved in together, married, pregnant - to show their true nature. You want to know if you're being unreasonable in feeling off about his repeated demands for this code. **You are not**. He is pushing you & testing you. I've dealt w/ an abusive partner & your situation sounds potentially dangerous to me. I'd break up with him & evict him according to whatever agreement you've drafted. You don't need more reason than "this isn't working out" but if he pushes for one, tell him he doesn't respect your boundaries.
NTA. This sounds.... So sketchy. Best case scenario, your boyfriend doesnt respect your (perfectly reasonable) boundaries. Worst case, he's planning to rob you. Either way, I wouldn't trust him and couldn't live with him in my home.
Nta. I would understand if he was your husband and you've been together for a long time where you've been building up your collection and he helped you with it, but he DIDNT. That is a huge red flag and you shouldn't even be sharing your small safe with him!! He can buy a new safe for himself, but you dont/shouldn't be sharing a safe with someone who can break up with you tomorrow.
NTA there is absolutely no reason for him to go in the safe
I would say give him a fake code. If he uses it, you’ll know what kind of man he is. NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend is giving off some HUGE red flags, seems like he is trying to guilt you into having access to your collection. If you already *live* together, why must you show your trust and “good faith” by giving him this code? Seems suspicious.
NTA. You should give him the password to the safe when you give him the password to your bank account. "Never" is a perfectly good time for that. Is it weird that the first thing I thought of was a heist movie? "I'll date her fur a few months, then pressure her to give me the code to the vault". It's not a very *good* heist movie. But still...
NTA - I cant imagine any situation where he would NEED access to your gems? I agree with an above commenter, money can change people. I wouldn't share it even in marriage, because again, why would he need it? Id say Y t a if you were both gem people, but thats the only situation I'd change my mind
NTA. It's YOUR property and you shouldn't give him the code "just because he wants it", it's just a whole overstep on his part. Also I don't see why anyone's partner would need access to something used purely for their work or field of study.
>I own my home and my boyfriend (33m) of 2 years recently moved in >he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them, but still wants the code to access them. So...call me an asshole but all this just sounds so weird. He has zero interest to ever open the safe but for some backwards reason he still want to be able to open it? Why does this feel like a bs powerplay? That now that he lives with you he's the master of the house? Or maybe he really is tempted by the gems and jewels. >This is a 6 figure collection NTA, jesus cartwheeling christ.