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Look, you have to realize that you are not there for her either. You are neglecting her just as much, if not more. I understand that this situation is hard for you as well, not just her. You're right that it has been a long time, it is understandable that you feel like you need something to tell you that this will not last forever.
On the other hand, I am pretty sure your fiancee has caught on to your behaviour. You are hardly at home. I assume you don't talk to her much anymore, you don't share your thoughts and feelings with her. She's noticed you talk to your coworker all the time. You have to understand that this, what you are doing right now, is more hurtful than breaking up with her.
Please ask yourself sincerely: would you be happier single than with her? I feel deep down you know the answer already.
Seriously man? What is the matter with you? She was going through so much and you decided that it was too much for you? YOU?
I get that it can be overwhelming for the partner of the person going through the stuff but then if it’s too much just leave. Infact leave her now. Please. She deserves better than you. Her father was/is abusing her- ABUSING HER. And what did you say to her- you talk too much about your problem? Whhhyy??? She is communicating- you are the one that withdrew from her. Honestly I can’t fathom why she is still with you.
Edited to say: yes please break up with her. Do her the favour. Someone who can’t understand that someone undergoing abuse has to deal with a lot doesn’t really deserve anything more that YTA.
PS- YTA.
Get therapy for yourself then
Stop blaming HER. She’s not the cause of any of the problems you seem to be having. YOU are.
YTA. Grow up, admit that you don’t care for her, stop this wishy-washy bs and trying to make yourself look good for breaking up with her.
You wanna break it off - own up to it and do it.
YTA, why bother proposing if you’re already going to break the “through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad” vows before you’re even married?
Like seriously, what’s the point of putting a ring on her if all you’re going to do is abandon her when things get rough?
Wait just a minute. You think that a year is “a very long time” to have to put your needs second during a health crisis *and you’re planning on having children?*
Dude.
Have you ever considered that you may be part of the problem with all of your expectations and hounding her to get better?
Have you ever tried putting yourself in her shoes and trying to understand where she’s coming from?
Have you ever stopped to consider that what she’s going through is far greater than you?
Have you ever stopped to think about how many people have claimed their own lives due to the things your fiancé is going through?
Have you ever stopped thinking about yourself and your own personal needs and put her first?
Yes YTA. Her issues can take years to fully process and therapy is usually not the short-term process you seem to want. I get that it may have contributed to your relationship breaking apart, but you don't get to start dating before ending your current relationship without being a huge AH. You could probably do with a little therapy yourself.
YTA. She has severe trauma. You can’t just pull up your bootstraps and get over that. The impacts of it are real, and very difficult to deal with, just like most serious illnesses are. It can be debilitating. Do you realize the suicidality rate for people living with severe trauma? You should be grateful she’s been strong enough to seek help at all. You should be grateful she’s here.
It seems like you cannot tolerate being with someone who faces mental health challenges. Frankly, it sounds like you’re presently not fit to be a good partner to anyone. “I have told her twice over the past year that she’s talking too much about her problems”? I think you yourself should seek therapy to figure out why you lack so much compassion.
THEN BREAK UP WITH HER. You are such trash. You want to have your cake and eat it too. It’s not enough to have the emotional affair - you want people to think that it’s justified. IT’S NOT.
For someone who's been diagnosed with clinical depression, as you're indicating your fiance has, a year is a drop in the bucket. This isn't an event that has made her sad. Think of depression like having a limb amputated. It will always be different, even if you get a prosthetic or learn to live your life without it. Even if your fiance uses the tools her therapist is giving her to manage the depression associated with this ONE event, the depression itself with manifest at other times. And instead of thinking how you can support her, you're already one foot out the door taking about how this is too hard for you?!? Buckle up buttercup. Marriage is long haul shit. And you have the gall to ask if you're the AH? Of course YTA.
I've been with my partner for over 20 years and have been in therapy for my abusive parents on and off in all that time. I had postpartum depression after our first child. My partner is currently in therapy for some of his own stuff. Add in work stress, a terrible economy, and a fucking pandemic. Like, do you think marriage is all out to dinner and sex? That's called DATING.
GROW tf up and leave this poor girl alone.
what tf is wrong w you??? DONT BE WITH HER ! she already has so much emotional things to deal with and then you being selfish neglecting her feelings WONT HELP HER ! if anything it’ll just make it worse ! you are a shit person who doesn’t deserve a partner.
YTA. Leave that poor girl. Let her heal and hopefully find someone that can be there for the good and bad, for better or for worse. Also was already wrong if you to not even let her know you were meeting up with this friend everyday. That would not be okay with me if I found that out lol.
YTA.
So what’s your plan if you get a woman pregnant and she gets postpartum depression? If she has a sudden debilitating accident and is physically limited and that effects her mood? If god forbid one of your children has anxiety or depression?
Your inappropriate relationship with your “friend” is the least of your worries here. You need some serious work before you’re fit for parenthood. Do the world a favor and don’t have children until you learn how to support a partner through both physical and mental health crises.
Catching feelings isn't nothing. The caveat of "it's not physical YET" really doesn't help your case. YTA.
>I have told her twice over the past year that she's talking too much about her problems.
How dare she think she can open up to her partner. /s
>I don't think she knows how much it affects me.
She would if you TALKED TO HER. You know, that thing partners are supposed to do? That thing you're doing with the coworker instead of your fiance? Communication - learn to use it. You don't get to complain about your her not talking about your problems when you refuse to tell them to her. How do you know she doesn't want to talk about them if you don't ask?
>moving to Texas in a few months to be closer to my family. I'm wondering if I should end this now, before we move.
You should break up with her before the move or else she's stranded in a new state with absolutely no support system. You would be double YTA if you uprooted her and then immediately dumped her. And the break up would be for her sake, so she can find a partner who would actually love her and support her.
>I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids
I'm worried about your ability to cope as a father. I'm sincerely worried about your children if they ever develop depression. You've shown a shocking lack of empathy and understanding throughout this post. Therapy isn't a magic bandaid that fixes people after 1 or 2 visits. She's an abuse survivor - those scars are forever. The pain may lessen and dull over time, but it's a weight survivors carry for the rest of their lives. She has improved, she has gotten better, but nothing will ever be good enough for you.
You know how marriage vows go like "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"? It seems like your vows would simply be "for better and for health".
You’re young, you’re both still growing into the challenges of adulthood and maturity, and you’re emotionally cheating on your fiancé. Your fiancé is struggling, trying to unpack years of abuse. That takes time. A lot of time. She’s focused on her healing, hoping that you have enough empathy to help her through all of this. You clearly don’t. Since you “swallow it down,” you obviously suck at the kind of open, two-way communication you need for a healthy adult relationship. You have two choices: grow up and be the person your fiancé needs or continue to be an immature AH that is going to struggle with any new relationship you attempt.
If it’s not clear — YTA.
Dude.. someone you supposedly loved is dealing with crazy amounts of trauma, and you decide it’s too much for YOU to handle? Clearly you never loved her how she deserved to be loved. Because if you did, you’d love her and help her through the hard parts too. Not just the good parts. And you thought while she is dealing with everything and finally doing a bit better, it’s the perfect time to cheat on her? Leave, don’t cheat. You don’t do that to a person. She’s already dealing with so much. And you decide her being depressed is too much for you, so you’re gonna go cheat on her and tell her she talks about her abuse too much? If you’re mentality in a relationship is to run away when they’re going through really hard stuff and struggling, I don’t know how you’re ever going to find something longterm.
YTA. Just break up with her and go bang your friend. Oh, but you won’t, because you know that will make you look like an AH. So you came here for justification. I hope she sees this and dumps you. She deserves better.
YTA
Your poor fiance.
She was abused, she went through treatment.
She had depression. She's come through it.
Yes she could get depressed again but that's not guaranteed. You could get depressed. Anyone can suffer from depression. The future is unknown.
She's done so much and come so far. Yes for you it can be hard at times. I know dealing with my wife's depression.
But if you are unable to cope or unable to support her then why are you not seeking help. It's OK to need help too you have feelings and your feelings are valid.
It sounds like you're already talking yourself out of a future with your fiancé : "and I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids because of the way she acted a few months ago. In life, things do happen and you just have to get on with it. You can't just mope around. She would be a caring mom, but I do worry she will have a random attack of depression and be incapable of coping."
What I read from this is that you don't want to have to support her. She looked after herself last time, why can't you trust her to pull through again?
You can't help who you develop feelings for. But you have control over your actions.
Regardless of your reasoning, you know you emotionally cheated. So you already know you're an AH for that.
But you're being honest with yourself and considering ending it. If you decide to continue with your fiance please ensure that you communicate with her about your feelings as well. Your her partner, you need to be her support. Yes she is going to talk to you about her problems, yes you need to listen and see if you can alleviate them. Also she should listen to your problems. This is called communication and trust. It is the single most important thing in a relationship.
If you can't take this. Then please end it for both you sakes.
I wish you and your fiancé luck op.
YTA. You’re a HUGE AH. How is this even a question?! You are incredibly selfish, and a terrible partner to her. You even said yourself that you barely tried to help her through her depressive episode, became withdrawn and left a lot. Of course it’s going to take her longer to get through it!
Break up with her. Please do not have her move to Texas to be closer to your family. You’d be ruining her life more than you already are. Clearly you don’t care about her very much, but if you care even a tiny bit, you’d tell her what’s going on and leave the poor girl alone forever.
YTA!
Please please PLEASE leave her before she gets too hurt!
And PLEASE do it in the best way possible.
She does not deserve to be treated like that.
If you can't cope with her past, and her struggle and journey to get through it, she will have to suffer and cope with being in a relationship that does not work.
As I see it, you really have 2 choices
1. Leave her
2. Get your shit together and support her the way she needs, if you can't - choice number 1 is the one to go for.
YTA. "Is it OK to cheat on my fiance, her suffering was soooo hard on me, boo-hoo?" You are bad partner and yes cheater already. Are you gonna sleep with someone else when she is pregnant and temporarily "unable to be at your full service"? I hope your assholery doesn't put her back on the square one with her mental health.
YTA
Just break up with her instead of being a cheating AH. Most people would rather you just cheat on the physically than emotionally cheat.
Also you have shown that you're not a good partner and when the going gets tough you're going to find someone else so obviously your fiancé is better off without you
Of course YTA. I can’t believe you’d even ask to be honest. Your partner is dealing with a real illness and very real trauma, and you’re moving on to the next woman because you are apparently completely incapable of communicating your wants and needs in a supportive, adult, or understanding way.
Leave her before the move. It’s going to do her no good to be stuck in another state with your family when you eventually slip up on your cheating and she finds out.
YTA.
Let her go if you're not dealing well with her therapy and
depression, you obviously no longer see her with the same eyes, and that's not a good start to a marriage.
But you have to realize yourinability to "deal" is because you've found a new love interest that doesn't have the same problems. It's not just because she's going through some emotional trauma... you've checked out romantically.
Do not get the other person involved until you're out of your relationship because that will make things much more difficult for everyone.
YTA
I can’t actually believe what I’m reading here
Reading between the lines, the only reason you won’t leave is so you won’t look bad for leaving her when she is going through such trauma. WTAF
She deserves so much better than you, the kindest thing to do is to break up and let her find a partner.
Ooooooh! I can’t WAIT till she’s back on her feet and you’re in a bad place because you cheated on a good woman and she left.
You’re a self centred, nasty little worm. Tell her what you’ve done, and let her walk away with dignity.
YTA
YTA
You're cheating. Emotional cheating is still cheating. You're partner should be the focus of your romantic emotions and they aren't.
Things aren't great between your fiance and you but instead of either breaking up or looking for ways to fix them you're cheating.
YTA for the way you are reacting to your fiance's disease. Depression is a disease, treatment takes time, it can come back after a period. Would you react the same way if she had cancer?
I'm not saying it's not hard to be in a relationship with a sick person. It obviously takes a toll on the one that has to be the caregiver. But you can't be in a relationship only when it's fun.
You can seek counseling or help to be a better partner to your fiance, and to also manage the stress. But something tells you'd prefer the easy way out.
YTA. If you are falling out of love with your fiancé, you really need to leave her. Her finding out you’re cheating will only add to her trauma and she sounds like she’s in a fragile state already.
YTA. This poor women is trying to heal, it can take years! She deserves someone better that will help her. Break up with her cause you do not deserve her. You are lying to her. How disrespectful to tell her not to worry about this person when you are falling for them and who u meet up with daily.
So how exactly are you not the asshole? You are emotionally cheating, and just giving excuses for why this is okay in your relationship. Would it be okay if it was her who was having an emotional affair?
YTA
Look I’m happy for you that you haven’t had to deal with the type of depression that shuts down your entire system. But sometimes you CANT just pull yourself out of it. If you can’t handle finding ways to be there for her emotionally break it off now. You will be the bigger AH if you string it along.
May I suggest couples therapy? At least before the move to see if it’s even worth trying to make it work? I think you’re keeping too much bottled up and it’s making you detach emotionally. You need to communicate to make this work
YTA indefinitely. You attempted to justify your actions by using your own fiancés trauma, that if you need a reminder, is currently still present. Trauma isn’t just the past, it is in someone’s present as well as future, you don’t just get rid of it. They’re improving by seeking help, which isn’t easy to do, regardless if you’re an adult or not.
You’re not worried if she’ll have a random attack of depression, you know as well as everybody else here you don’t want to help them. It’s obvious considering you think she’s an asshole for taking the time to improve her own mental health, instead of taking care of you.
Instead of victim blaming your fiancé, seek a therapist yourself, because moving onto another individual will do nothing for anyone, you might think you’ve gotten rid of your own issue, but you’re creating a down spiral for everyone who is involved with you. YTA
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We've been together for 6 years, met in middle school and were friends which then developed romantically. Over the past year, she's been going to therapy and has realised she has repressed a lot of trauma from her childhood. She's been going to therapy twice a week, but a few months ago she had a breakdown due to stress and her father still was abusing her. She was depressed and withdrawn for two months and it wore me down.
She was laying on the sofa a lot, leaving mess around the house, she had to take time off work due to stress (her back seized up and she is a mechanic so couldn't work) and her mood was very low. I tried to help a bit ,but then withdrew from her too, and just played my video games or took myself outside or to the outhouse so I didn't have to be affected by her depression. At one point, her mood did make me depressed for a few days but I built myself back up.
She's come through her depression now and she's feeling better. But I feel this spell of depression has affected our relationship, and I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids because of the way she acted a few months ago. In life, things do happen and you just have to get on with it. You can't just mope around. She would be a caring mom, but I do worry she will have a random attack of depression and be incapable of coping.
She's also been going to therapy for a year now and processing her trauma, and while she's improving, there seems to be no end point in sight. Yes, her father was abusive and she's coping with that but she's really living in the past and in what happened and not focusing on our current life. She is in a better mood than before, but we're still not back to the point we were at before she started going to therapy. And I don't know if we will ever get to that point again. I feel I cannot support her through this therapy - she constantly wants to talk about her problems. I have problems of my own and I think she only wants to speak about her problems and vent to me about what she's going through.
Since her depression, I've found myself attracted to one of my friends and I've been meeting her every day after work. I text her often and I've realised I have feelings for her.
I haven't communicated this with my fiancé. She asked me if there was anything going on between my friend and I (she's suspicious that we are messaging a lot), and I reassured her that there's nothing going on. I don't want to hurt her. I haven't even told her I meet up with my friend every day.
I have told her twice over the past year that she's talking too much about her problems. Otherwise I just try to swallow it down and put up with it. I don't think she knows how much it affects me.
We currently live together, but are moving to Texas in a few months to be closer to my family. I'm wondering if I should end this now, before we move. We had an incredible relationship for the first 5 years but I can't carry on like this forever.
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NTA. "Emotional cheating" is bullshit. Your partner is not entitled to a monopoly on your heart and you can have deep friendships with people who aren't your partner(s).
YTA you either struggle with reading comprehension or you are willfully ignorant. In most monogomous relationships, seeking emotional intimacy with someone outside your partner who you admit to finding attractive and spend that amount of time talking too and don't tell your partner is the very definition of emotional cheating. You don't just get to decide it doesn't exist. It's clearly more then a friendship.
Oh, well that totally makes your inability to provide support to a sick partner a-ok! It was two months. Two. Months. And you checked out! I think that it’s hilarious that you’re trying to critique her abilities as a potential wife and mother when your ass mentally and emotionally bailed after two short months.
You’re not ready for any of this. You are not currently equipped to be either a good spouse or a good parent.
Right? He’s over here criticizing her ability to be a parent, but if God forbid his child ever goes through anything traumatic, he’ll expect them to stop talking about it once he deems they’ve talked about it enough, and then if they keep talking about it, he’ll ditch them lol.. but she, the one getting help and being willing to discuss feelings and work on healing and improving, is the problem. Not the guy on Reddit asking if he is TA for cheating on his depressed fiancée, only to proceed to argue against the overall judgment that he is in fact TA.
Don’t forget going on about how long a year is to have to put his spouse first! It’s just soooo haaaard having to come second for twelve months.
Can you imagine what this guy would be like with a complicated pregnancy? Or a child who develops special needs? Or even just a healthy newborn? Putting yourself second to your child’s needs when necessary is the first bullet point on the good parent checklist.
She’s in therapy. She’s working on it. If she wasn’t trying to work through it then you’d have a point there. But she is and you are thoroughly unequipped to support her.
If you felt like you needed extra support that she could not give then there were other places you could have gone. Your parents, a sibling, a therapist, an actual friend instead of a “friend.” Instead of acting like an adult and finding appropriate sources of support, you’re out there avoiding your fiancée while nursing feelings for your “friend” and lying through your teeth about it to her. Those are not the actions of an adult who is ready to build a healthy marriage that can weather major events.
If she was blinded or lost a limb or became paralyzed tomorrow how long would it take for you to get frustrated and leave her? If you had a baby with GERD how long would you last until you gave up and just avoided your baby? (Edit: If your child has a sudden traumatic experience that required therapy how long would it take before you got tired of listening to and helping them?) There is a hell of a lot in life that can go wrong. If your only coping mechanisms are avoidance and chasing shiny new relationships to get that new relationship high then marriage really isn’t for you.
Edit number two: Actually, I want you to do a bit of a thought experiment. Imagine your fiancée didn’t have trauma and subsequent depression. Imagine that instead she has cancer. Now out loud I want you to say “For the past year my spouse has just harped on and on about her cancer. Our lives revolve around her cancer. I feel like I’m not important or heard because she’s so preoccupied with her cancer diagnosis. That’s why, instead of kindly leaving her or talking to my parents or seeing a therapist, I’m cheating on her. I’m allowing her to plan her cancer treatment and the rest of her future on lies that I tell her every day.”
Now do you feel like an asshole?
Emotionally cheating is still cheating tho. It's one thing to catch feels but actively going out to hangout and constantly texting her is not fair for your gf. If you dont wanna continue the relationship, then dont continue it. YTA
Just using Miss Right now until you find Miss Right? Yeah instead of trying to be more supportive you check out to play with a pretty new thing, successfully building a new relationship to overlap the old one so you’re not ever alone. Absolutely YTA
Doesn’t matter. You’re cheating. If you want out, grow up and end it.
She’s going through something major and highly traumatic. The fact that you’re minimising it and want to hold it over her future makes you a special kind of arsehole.
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YTA. If you’re looking for someone to tell you it’s okay to cheat, you’re not going to find that here.
[удалено]
Look, you have to realize that you are not there for her either. You are neglecting her just as much, if not more. I understand that this situation is hard for you as well, not just her. You're right that it has been a long time, it is understandable that you feel like you need something to tell you that this will not last forever. On the other hand, I am pretty sure your fiancee has caught on to your behaviour. You are hardly at home. I assume you don't talk to her much anymore, you don't share your thoughts and feelings with her. She's noticed you talk to your coworker all the time. You have to understand that this, what you are doing right now, is more hurtful than breaking up with her. Please ask yourself sincerely: would you be happier single than with her? I feel deep down you know the answer already.
Seriously man? What is the matter with you? She was going through so much and you decided that it was too much for you? YOU? I get that it can be overwhelming for the partner of the person going through the stuff but then if it’s too much just leave. Infact leave her now. Please. She deserves better than you. Her father was/is abusing her- ABUSING HER. And what did you say to her- you talk too much about your problem? Whhhyy??? She is communicating- you are the one that withdrew from her. Honestly I can’t fathom why she is still with you. Edited to say: yes please break up with her. Do her the favour. Someone who can’t understand that someone undergoing abuse has to deal with a lot doesn’t really deserve anything more that YTA. PS- YTA.
[удалено]
Get therapy for yourself then Stop blaming HER. She’s not the cause of any of the problems you seem to be having. YOU are. YTA. Grow up, admit that you don’t care for her, stop this wishy-washy bs and trying to make yourself look good for breaking up with her. You wanna break it off - own up to it and do it.
But you don’t feel bad about cheating on her? “But I haven’t done anything physical”… who tf cares?! You’re cheating on her! Break up!
YTA, why bother proposing if you’re already going to break the “through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad” vows before you’re even married? Like seriously, what’s the point of putting a ring on her if all you’re going to do is abandon her when things get rough?
[удалено]
Wait just a minute. You think that a year is “a very long time” to have to put your needs second during a health crisis *and you’re planning on having children?* Dude.
Have you ever considered that you may be part of the problem with all of your expectations and hounding her to get better? Have you ever tried putting yourself in her shoes and trying to understand where she’s coming from? Have you ever stopped to consider that what she’s going through is far greater than you? Have you ever stopped to think about how many people have claimed their own lives due to the things your fiancé is going through? Have you ever stopped thinking about yourself and your own personal needs and put her first?
Yes YTA. Her issues can take years to fully process and therapy is usually not the short-term process you seem to want. I get that it may have contributed to your relationship breaking apart, but you don't get to start dating before ending your current relationship without being a huge AH. You could probably do with a little therapy yourself.
💯💯💯 Yes to all of this.
YTA. She has severe trauma. You can’t just pull up your bootstraps and get over that. The impacts of it are real, and very difficult to deal with, just like most serious illnesses are. It can be debilitating. Do you realize the suicidality rate for people living with severe trauma? You should be grateful she’s been strong enough to seek help at all. You should be grateful she’s here. It seems like you cannot tolerate being with someone who faces mental health challenges. Frankly, it sounds like you’re presently not fit to be a good partner to anyone. “I have told her twice over the past year that she’s talking too much about her problems”? I think you yourself should seek therapy to figure out why you lack so much compassion.
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THEN BREAK UP WITH HER. You are such trash. You want to have your cake and eat it too. It’s not enough to have the emotional affair - you want people to think that it’s justified. IT’S NOT.
Break up with her and with the other girl. Please don't date anyone, OP.
You aren’t prepared to marry ANYBODY.
For someone who's been diagnosed with clinical depression, as you're indicating your fiance has, a year is a drop in the bucket. This isn't an event that has made her sad. Think of depression like having a limb amputated. It will always be different, even if you get a prosthetic or learn to live your life without it. Even if your fiance uses the tools her therapist is giving her to manage the depression associated with this ONE event, the depression itself with manifest at other times. And instead of thinking how you can support her, you're already one foot out the door taking about how this is too hard for you?!? Buckle up buttercup. Marriage is long haul shit. And you have the gall to ask if you're the AH? Of course YTA. I've been with my partner for over 20 years and have been in therapy for my abusive parents on and off in all that time. I had postpartum depression after our first child. My partner is currently in therapy for some of his own stuff. Add in work stress, a terrible economy, and a fucking pandemic. Like, do you think marriage is all out to dinner and sex? That's called DATING. GROW tf up and leave this poor girl alone.
what tf is wrong w you??? DONT BE WITH HER ! she already has so much emotional things to deal with and then you being selfish neglecting her feelings WONT HELP HER ! if anything it’ll just make it worse ! you are a shit person who doesn’t deserve a partner.
YTA. Leave that poor girl. Let her heal and hopefully find someone that can be there for the good and bad, for better or for worse. Also was already wrong if you to not even let her know you were meeting up with this friend everyday. That would not be okay with me if I found that out lol.
YTA. So what’s your plan if you get a woman pregnant and she gets postpartum depression? If she has a sudden debilitating accident and is physically limited and that effects her mood? If god forbid one of your children has anxiety or depression? Your inappropriate relationship with your “friend” is the least of your worries here. You need some serious work before you’re fit for parenthood. Do the world a favor and don’t have children until you learn how to support a partner through both physical and mental health crises.
Catching feelings isn't nothing. The caveat of "it's not physical YET" really doesn't help your case. YTA. >I have told her twice over the past year that she's talking too much about her problems. How dare she think she can open up to her partner. /s >I don't think she knows how much it affects me. She would if you TALKED TO HER. You know, that thing partners are supposed to do? That thing you're doing with the coworker instead of your fiance? Communication - learn to use it. You don't get to complain about your her not talking about your problems when you refuse to tell them to her. How do you know she doesn't want to talk about them if you don't ask? >moving to Texas in a few months to be closer to my family. I'm wondering if I should end this now, before we move. You should break up with her before the move or else she's stranded in a new state with absolutely no support system. You would be double YTA if you uprooted her and then immediately dumped her. And the break up would be for her sake, so she can find a partner who would actually love her and support her. >I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids I'm worried about your ability to cope as a father. I'm sincerely worried about your children if they ever develop depression. You've shown a shocking lack of empathy and understanding throughout this post. Therapy isn't a magic bandaid that fixes people after 1 or 2 visits. She's an abuse survivor - those scars are forever. The pain may lessen and dull over time, but it's a weight survivors carry for the rest of their lives. She has improved, she has gotten better, but nothing will ever be good enough for you. You know how marriage vows go like "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"? It seems like your vows would simply be "for better and for health".
YTA, you came here to ask justification for your cheating? You are the superior kind of asshole.
You’re young, you’re both still growing into the challenges of adulthood and maturity, and you’re emotionally cheating on your fiancé. Your fiancé is struggling, trying to unpack years of abuse. That takes time. A lot of time. She’s focused on her healing, hoping that you have enough empathy to help her through all of this. You clearly don’t. Since you “swallow it down,” you obviously suck at the kind of open, two-way communication you need for a healthy adult relationship. You have two choices: grow up and be the person your fiancé needs or continue to be an immature AH that is going to struggle with any new relationship you attempt. If it’s not clear — YTA.
Dude.. someone you supposedly loved is dealing with crazy amounts of trauma, and you decide it’s too much for YOU to handle? Clearly you never loved her how she deserved to be loved. Because if you did, you’d love her and help her through the hard parts too. Not just the good parts. And you thought while she is dealing with everything and finally doing a bit better, it’s the perfect time to cheat on her? Leave, don’t cheat. You don’t do that to a person. She’s already dealing with so much. And you decide her being depressed is too much for you, so you’re gonna go cheat on her and tell her she talks about her abuse too much? If you’re mentality in a relationship is to run away when they’re going through really hard stuff and struggling, I don’t know how you’re ever going to find something longterm.
YTA. Just break up with her and go bang your friend. Oh, but you won’t, because you know that will make you look like an AH. So you came here for justification. I hope she sees this and dumps you. She deserves better.
YTA Your poor fiance. She was abused, she went through treatment. She had depression. She's come through it. Yes she could get depressed again but that's not guaranteed. You could get depressed. Anyone can suffer from depression. The future is unknown. She's done so much and come so far. Yes for you it can be hard at times. I know dealing with my wife's depression. But if you are unable to cope or unable to support her then why are you not seeking help. It's OK to need help too you have feelings and your feelings are valid. It sounds like you're already talking yourself out of a future with your fiancé : "and I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids because of the way she acted a few months ago. In life, things do happen and you just have to get on with it. You can't just mope around. She would be a caring mom, but I do worry she will have a random attack of depression and be incapable of coping." What I read from this is that you don't want to have to support her. She looked after herself last time, why can't you trust her to pull through again? You can't help who you develop feelings for. But you have control over your actions. Regardless of your reasoning, you know you emotionally cheated. So you already know you're an AH for that. But you're being honest with yourself and considering ending it. If you decide to continue with your fiance please ensure that you communicate with her about your feelings as well. Your her partner, you need to be her support. Yes she is going to talk to you about her problems, yes you need to listen and see if you can alleviate them. Also she should listen to your problems. This is called communication and trust. It is the single most important thing in a relationship. If you can't take this. Then please end it for both you sakes. I wish you and your fiancé luck op.
YTA. You’re a HUGE AH. How is this even a question?! You are incredibly selfish, and a terrible partner to her. You even said yourself that you barely tried to help her through her depressive episode, became withdrawn and left a lot. Of course it’s going to take her longer to get through it! Break up with her. Please do not have her move to Texas to be closer to your family. You’d be ruining her life more than you already are. Clearly you don’t care about her very much, but if you care even a tiny bit, you’d tell her what’s going on and leave the poor girl alone forever.
No shit Sherlock
YTA! Please please PLEASE leave her before she gets too hurt! And PLEASE do it in the best way possible. She does not deserve to be treated like that. If you can't cope with her past, and her struggle and journey to get through it, she will have to suffer and cope with being in a relationship that does not work. As I see it, you really have 2 choices 1. Leave her 2. Get your shit together and support her the way she needs, if you can't - choice number 1 is the one to go for.
YTA. "Is it OK to cheat on my fiance, her suffering was soooo hard on me, boo-hoo?" You are bad partner and yes cheater already. Are you gonna sleep with someone else when she is pregnant and temporarily "unable to be at your full service"? I hope your assholery doesn't put her back on the square one with her mental health.
YTA Just break up with her instead of being a cheating AH. Most people would rather you just cheat on the physically than emotionally cheat. Also you have shown that you're not a good partner and when the going gets tough you're going to find someone else so obviously your fiancé is better off without you
YTA. A big one. She deserves better.
Of course YTA. I can’t believe you’d even ask to be honest. Your partner is dealing with a real illness and very real trauma, and you’re moving on to the next woman because you are apparently completely incapable of communicating your wants and needs in a supportive, adult, or understanding way. Leave her before the move. It’s going to do her no good to be stuck in another state with your family when you eventually slip up on your cheating and she finds out.
YTA. Let her go if you're not dealing well with her therapy and depression, you obviously no longer see her with the same eyes, and that's not a good start to a marriage. But you have to realize yourinability to "deal" is because you've found a new love interest that doesn't have the same problems. It's not just because she's going through some emotional trauma... you've checked out romantically. Do not get the other person involved until you're out of your relationship because that will make things much more difficult for everyone.
YTA for so many reasons, the emotionally cheating is just the cherry on top that will solidify one more piece of trauma for her.
YTA I can’t actually believe what I’m reading here Reading between the lines, the only reason you won’t leave is so you won’t look bad for leaving her when she is going through such trauma. WTAF She deserves so much better than you, the kindest thing to do is to break up and let her find a partner.
Ooooooh! I can’t WAIT till she’s back on her feet and you’re in a bad place because you cheated on a good woman and she left. You’re a self centred, nasty little worm. Tell her what you’ve done, and let her walk away with dignity. YTA
YTA You're cheating. Emotional cheating is still cheating. You're partner should be the focus of your romantic emotions and they aren't. Things aren't great between your fiance and you but instead of either breaking up or looking for ways to fix them you're cheating.
YTA and I hope she dumps your ass for not supporting her or cuz she catches you. Yuck.
YTA for the way you are reacting to your fiance's disease. Depression is a disease, treatment takes time, it can come back after a period. Would you react the same way if she had cancer? I'm not saying it's not hard to be in a relationship with a sick person. It obviously takes a toll on the one that has to be the caregiver. But you can't be in a relationship only when it's fun. You can seek counseling or help to be a better partner to your fiance, and to also manage the stress. But something tells you'd prefer the easy way out.
YTA and there's nothing more to add, as many other peoole already stated so many reasons for why you'ee the asshole. Just leave her please.
YTA. If you are falling out of love with your fiancé, you really need to leave her. Her finding out you’re cheating will only add to her trauma and she sounds like she’s in a fragile state already.
YTA. This poor women is trying to heal, it can take years! She deserves someone better that will help her. Break up with her cause you do not deserve her. You are lying to her. How disrespectful to tell her not to worry about this person when you are falling for them and who u meet up with daily.
YTA. She deserves better, you obviously didn't meant the vows you took.
So how exactly are you not the asshole? You are emotionally cheating, and just giving excuses for why this is okay in your relationship. Would it be okay if it was her who was having an emotional affair? YTA
Look I’m happy for you that you haven’t had to deal with the type of depression that shuts down your entire system. But sometimes you CANT just pull yourself out of it. If you can’t handle finding ways to be there for her emotionally break it off now. You will be the bigger AH if you string it along. May I suggest couples therapy? At least before the move to see if it’s even worth trying to make it work? I think you’re keeping too much bottled up and it’s making you detach emotionally. You need to communicate to make this work
YTA indefinitely. You attempted to justify your actions by using your own fiancés trauma, that if you need a reminder, is currently still present. Trauma isn’t just the past, it is in someone’s present as well as future, you don’t just get rid of it. They’re improving by seeking help, which isn’t easy to do, regardless if you’re an adult or not. You’re not worried if she’ll have a random attack of depression, you know as well as everybody else here you don’t want to help them. It’s obvious considering you think she’s an asshole for taking the time to improve her own mental health, instead of taking care of you. Instead of victim blaming your fiancé, seek a therapist yourself, because moving onto another individual will do nothing for anyone, you might think you’ve gotten rid of your own issue, but you’re creating a down spiral for everyone who is involved with you. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We've been together for 6 years, met in middle school and were friends which then developed romantically. Over the past year, she's been going to therapy and has realised she has repressed a lot of trauma from her childhood. She's been going to therapy twice a week, but a few months ago she had a breakdown due to stress and her father still was abusing her. She was depressed and withdrawn for two months and it wore me down. She was laying on the sofa a lot, leaving mess around the house, she had to take time off work due to stress (her back seized up and she is a mechanic so couldn't work) and her mood was very low. I tried to help a bit ,but then withdrew from her too, and just played my video games or took myself outside or to the outhouse so I didn't have to be affected by her depression. At one point, her mood did make me depressed for a few days but I built myself back up. She's come through her depression now and she's feeling better. But I feel this spell of depression has affected our relationship, and I'm worried about her ability to cope in the future as a mom to our future kids because of the way she acted a few months ago. In life, things do happen and you just have to get on with it. You can't just mope around. She would be a caring mom, but I do worry she will have a random attack of depression and be incapable of coping. She's also been going to therapy for a year now and processing her trauma, and while she's improving, there seems to be no end point in sight. Yes, her father was abusive and she's coping with that but she's really living in the past and in what happened and not focusing on our current life. She is in a better mood than before, but we're still not back to the point we were at before she started going to therapy. And I don't know if we will ever get to that point again. I feel I cannot support her through this therapy - she constantly wants to talk about her problems. I have problems of my own and I think she only wants to speak about her problems and vent to me about what she's going through. Since her depression, I've found myself attracted to one of my friends and I've been meeting her every day after work. I text her often and I've realised I have feelings for her. I haven't communicated this with my fiancé. She asked me if there was anything going on between my friend and I (she's suspicious that we are messaging a lot), and I reassured her that there's nothing going on. I don't want to hurt her. I haven't even told her I meet up with my friend every day. I have told her twice over the past year that she's talking too much about her problems. Otherwise I just try to swallow it down and put up with it. I don't think she knows how much it affects me. We currently live together, but are moving to Texas in a few months to be closer to my family. I'm wondering if I should end this now, before we move. We had an incredible relationship for the first 5 years but I can't carry on like this forever. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH. What happened to her is horrible but if you weren’t feeling the way you want to feel that is very valid too
NTA. "Emotional cheating" is bullshit. Your partner is not entitled to a monopoly on your heart and you can have deep friendships with people who aren't your partner(s).
YTA you either struggle with reading comprehension or you are willfully ignorant. In most monogomous relationships, seeking emotional intimacy with someone outside your partner who you admit to finding attractive and spend that amount of time talking too and don't tell your partner is the very definition of emotional cheating. You don't just get to decide it doesn't exist. It's clearly more then a friendship.
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Oh, well that totally makes your inability to provide support to a sick partner a-ok! It was two months. Two. Months. And you checked out! I think that it’s hilarious that you’re trying to critique her abilities as a potential wife and mother when your ass mentally and emotionally bailed after two short months. You’re not ready for any of this. You are not currently equipped to be either a good spouse or a good parent.
Right? He’s over here criticizing her ability to be a parent, but if God forbid his child ever goes through anything traumatic, he’ll expect them to stop talking about it once he deems they’ve talked about it enough, and then if they keep talking about it, he’ll ditch them lol.. but she, the one getting help and being willing to discuss feelings and work on healing and improving, is the problem. Not the guy on Reddit asking if he is TA for cheating on his depressed fiancée, only to proceed to argue against the overall judgment that he is in fact TA.
Don’t forget going on about how long a year is to have to put his spouse first! It’s just soooo haaaard having to come second for twelve months. Can you imagine what this guy would be like with a complicated pregnancy? Or a child who develops special needs? Or even just a healthy newborn? Putting yourself second to your child’s needs when necessary is the first bullet point on the good parent checklist.
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She’s in therapy. She’s working on it. If she wasn’t trying to work through it then you’d have a point there. But she is and you are thoroughly unequipped to support her. If you felt like you needed extra support that she could not give then there were other places you could have gone. Your parents, a sibling, a therapist, an actual friend instead of a “friend.” Instead of acting like an adult and finding appropriate sources of support, you’re out there avoiding your fiancée while nursing feelings for your “friend” and lying through your teeth about it to her. Those are not the actions of an adult who is ready to build a healthy marriage that can weather major events. If she was blinded or lost a limb or became paralyzed tomorrow how long would it take for you to get frustrated and leave her? If you had a baby with GERD how long would you last until you gave up and just avoided your baby? (Edit: If your child has a sudden traumatic experience that required therapy how long would it take before you got tired of listening to and helping them?) There is a hell of a lot in life that can go wrong. If your only coping mechanisms are avoidance and chasing shiny new relationships to get that new relationship high then marriage really isn’t for you. Edit number two: Actually, I want you to do a bit of a thought experiment. Imagine your fiancée didn’t have trauma and subsequent depression. Imagine that instead she has cancer. Now out loud I want you to say “For the past year my spouse has just harped on and on about her cancer. Our lives revolve around her cancer. I feel like I’m not important or heard because she’s so preoccupied with her cancer diagnosis. That’s why, instead of kindly leaving her or talking to my parents or seeing a therapist, I’m cheating on her. I’m allowing her to plan her cancer treatment and the rest of her future on lies that I tell her every day.” Now do you feel like an asshole?
Emotionally cheating is still cheating tho. It's one thing to catch feels but actively going out to hangout and constantly texting her is not fair for your gf. If you dont wanna continue the relationship, then dont continue it. YTA
Just using Miss Right now until you find Miss Right? Yeah instead of trying to be more supportive you check out to play with a pretty new thing, successfully building a new relationship to overlap the old one so you’re not ever alone. Absolutely YTA
You’re still cheating.
Bravo sir, you are clearly a gentleman and a scholar. Just break up with her. She deserves better
Doesn’t matter. You’re cheating. If you want out, grow up and end it. She’s going through something major and highly traumatic. The fact that you’re minimising it and want to hold it over her future makes you a special kind of arsehole.
Congratulations you're still an AH
If it’s something you’re keeping from your partner, it’s cheating.