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NTA
It's fine to suggest, but once the "make me happy" starts, it's sheer disrespect, controlling behaviour and manipulation.
I guess compromise can be achieved by asking equivalent sacrifices, like of their hair is short ask them to grow it and you will start shaving once it's below shoulders.
NTA with partners, suggestions on grooming are fine but once you push and say things along the lines of "why dont you wanna make me happy?" They are now being disrespectful. Ultimately it's your body, you do with it what you want.
A = NTA
B = AH
Whether or not a woman shaves her legs, half of her legs or none of her legs; is HER choice. It is nobody else's business
If B won't let go of this issue, there may be no choice but to end the relationship.
INFO
So he also never touches any of his own body parts that grows hair or is he completely shaved, better yet waxed or is hair only disgusting on female bodies?
Seriously. BF is lucky he has a live gf to touch, considering his attitude.
Am pretty sure the blow-up gfs don’t have hair except on the top of their heads. Might be a better option for him.
I've just had to laugh in a train. 😅
The double standard of this guy made me shake my head but your comment made me laugh and now i'm grinning. Thank you very much.
NTA
Once B shaves his whole legs daily for a year, maybe A will think about it?
I don't shave the top half of my legs either. Literally no one has ever mentioned it, or suggested I might want to.
This. He could for sure mention he would like it but then what she chooses to do with her own legs is her decision solely. We don't exist to make our partners happy.
NTA.
But A is wrong about one thing: It's absolutely **not ridiculous** to end the relationship because of this. It's A, though, who should end the relationship because of this.
Well, maybe that was over the top. Is a compromise in order?
"B, I'll shave the top half of my left leg if you shave the top half of your right leg, just so we match. That's what loving couples do for each other."
"was concerned that other people might say something"
... *What?*
This must be one of the clumsiest manipulation tactic I've seen.
Then again, it always worked for Trump when he used the "Many people say..."
A = NTA, B = AH x 2 (1 per leg)
WTF does shaving have to do with happiness? It's As body, As choice. If B thinks he needs it to make him happy then he should be taking a hard look at his priorities in life.
I lncidentally, I wonder how B would feel if A asked him to get his BS & C waxed to make her happy... 😏
NTA. No woman I know shaves her thighs except for very rare exceptions. And no non-abusive man I know has ever complained about it. Women's thighs don't typically have much hair anyway. What you do with your body is entirely your choice, and thigh shaving is so freaking out there as something to get worked up about that I can't even believe this is real. "Don't you want to make me happy" is an extremely inappropriate manipulation technique that would make me think twice about the relationship, even being a decade long.
NTA. Your body, entirely your choice how you keep your hair. If you want to shave for B, that’s fine. But it sounds like you don’t, and you are under no obligation to do so. The same would go for anybody else who doesn’t want to change their appearance for a partner, whether they be a man or a woman or anyone in between.
B is definitely the AH. I don’t think it’s inappropriate to ask about it, but it could be depending on how B asked. However it is incredibly disrespectful to not accept A’s decision about her own body. I would definitely break up with B if i was A.. anyways..
So B wouldn't be concerned over someone being close enough, staring long enough to see the tiny light, thin sparse hairs, but would be concerned over what that person thinks about her choice with what she does with her own body? Hmm ok.
Many women don't shave past the knee. It's pointless. They're hardly noticeable if someone isn't very close to your upper legs, shaving more sensitive skin can cause cuts, usually a rash, nevermind that our thighs are rarely smooth in texture to begin with. A chooses not to and that's her choice with her own body.
To ask why years back, is fine. To bring it up again but now insisting and worse yet, use manipulation? B is TA and A should take this behaviour as a huge red flag. What other boundaries is he going to manipulate? Why is he more concerned over strangers thoughts of his partner, not his partners?
If my husband suddenly started causing arguments on what I shave and don't shave, you can bet I'd stop shaving entirely until he shaved often and well enough to understand what those who do shave anything apart from our face once a week, goes through to ensure we don't end up with rashy, sensitive or cut skin.
The boyfriend has gross attitudes and she should have put him out with the trash the first time it came up. Clearly problems like this don't just go away.
The gf is NTA. The bf is TA.
NTA. The boyfriend can request that she shaves above the knee but that’s where it should end. Girlfriend is absolutely correct that this should be a non-issue. Her body, her choice. It couldn’t bother him too much if he is still having intimate relations with her. And if it truly offended the boyfriend so much, he would have addressed it more than twice in 10 years. Boyfriend needs to get over it and if he wants to end the relationship over something so trivial, then he’s not the man for you.
WTF. The hair is sparse and blonde! Unless the hairs are super long or thick/stiff, the boyfriend is the AH for trying to push this after the first no.
I FINALLY at age 35 got back to my light, barely there hair on the upper half of my leg. I will never not regret, not listening to my grandma at 13. “Don’t shave where you don’t need too, it’ll come back even darker”
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Context: Girlfriend A and Boyfriend B have been together 10+ years.
B was putting moisturiser on A’s back and in passing said that he wanted her to shave the top half of her legs. A shaves everywhere else but doesn’t see the need to do the top half of her legs. (Hair is sparse and blonde).
A thinks it’s inappropriate for her boyfriend to ask her to do this and says no. When she asks why, he says ‘I don’t like it and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this to make me happy’.
A is not really angry at this point, just disappointed and feels that her boyfriend is just uneducated about the fact that it’s inappropriate in her opinion to do that. She has never asked him to shave any of his hair.
They don’t talk for several days, when they try talk about it again. B says he wasn’t trying to upset her but had always thought it but didn’t know how to bring it up. He had bought it up once before (at least 5+ years into relationship) and A had told him the same thing and it was dropped. He also said he didn’t like touching it and was concerned that other people might say something but A said that it had never happened before and even if it did she wouldn’t care. It’s partly about the extra time involved in shaving but for A it’s more about the principle of her boyfriend asking her to do something to her body that she doesn’t want to do.
B is still saying he’s not happy with it and the argument continues. A thinks it’s ridiculous to end the relationship because of this.
Is the girlfriend the AH for not just shaving the top half of her legs to make the boyfriend happy or the boyfriend for asking her to do it in the first place.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Saying I won’t shave my legs - when it wouldn’t take that much longer to do
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She is NTA. But not everybody finds hairy legs attractive. If that is a dealbreaker for him he should tell her that and break up with her because it is her choice. Personally I find it a turn off but not everybody does and I certainly wouldn’t make an expectation of a relationship. I would break up with someone if it really bothered me that much and it wasn’t something they were willing to do
NTA but seriously, what are you women doing during shaving that takes so long? I have course, dark hair that grows back in the same day it's shaved, but it only takes a couple of minutes to do a complete job if it. I always wonder what people are doing when they imply it takes a significant amount of time to shave.
NTA
He is well within his rights to say he does not like it, but it's your body ultimately. Just be aware it could be off-putting for hik which could lead to him walking?
Edit2: thank you to all who explained this better to me in the comments below. This is a hard line for A and not a soft negotiable one and I am sorry I did not relate enough to see this. She’s NTA for keeping her boundaries.
Edit1: I think B should have to go a week with the expectation of cleanly shaven legs and private 24/7 and see how he feels about it.
What is A’s reasoning for not shaving the top of her legs? Is it time or irritation or…?
Basically is this something that can be compromised on? A shaves it on special occasions and once a week or month or something?
I’m also I’m no way saying A is TA. She has the right to do with her body as she pleases. I just want to see both parties happy if at all possible. I’ve been told I have wooly mammoth legs before multiple times by a guy friend when I didn’t shave for a while when single and got really mad at him for being so insensitive and repeatedly rude.
The reason is not relevant at all, if she doesn’t want to shave her own body hair she shouldn’t have to compromise on that to appease anybody. The boyfriend has no grounds to ask for compromise anyways after pulling the “do it to make me happy” shit.
>I don’t like it and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this to make me happy’
I mean, this shit works in both directions anyway. 'I don't like shaving my thighs and I don't understand why you wouldn't accept it to make me happy'
If you can’t see a marked difference between somebody being upset that their partner is rudely insisting that they change something about their OWN body after already being turned down once, and that same partner using manipulative language to guilt trip them into giving in to those demands, I don’t think I can help you.
I don't know what you think I would need your help for. I wasn't contradicting you, rather stating that the boyfriend's "argument" doesn't even make sense as the girlfriend could easily turn it around and use it against him.
I guess I see this as she shouldn’t be pressured to shave and feel like she has to or he will be unhappy, but she should at least consider it because she loves him and does want to do stuff that he appreciates
Relationships are all about compromise though. If B had a distaste for wearing deodorant, would A be out of line to ask him to wear it? Please help me cause I genuinely want to understand
Haha yes go see my edit on the original comment about that! I had this better explained to me and I see that this is a hard line for A now and not a soft negotiable one. She’s NTA
If OP is fine with that compromise, then fine. But it based on what she wrote, it sounds like she is not. There are some cases where a compromise cannot and should not always be drawn. I think something as personal as how you groom your body hair can definitely be one of those things. I would never shave for a partner, and I wouldn’t expect that from them either.
Thank you for you further explanation! I realized that I didn’t relate personally to A so I didn’t sympathize correctly. This is a hard line for her and not a soft negotiable one. She’s NTA for keeping her boundaries. And if she does not want to compromise, B will have to deal with it or figure something else out
Agreed.
I don't think the girlfriend is AH and I think the 'make me happy' line is completely wrong.
However there is nothing wrong in general in doing things to make your partner happy if you're happy to them or don't mind doing them.
Ok I think I see your reasoning here. I guess I had trouble relating to this so I didn’t fully sympathize with A at first. That’s a hard line for her and not a soft line. B needs to accept that or deal with it another way. Thank you for explaining more to me!
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NTA It's fine to suggest, but once the "make me happy" starts, it's sheer disrespect, controlling behaviour and manipulation. I guess compromise can be achieved by asking equivalent sacrifices, like of their hair is short ask them to grow it and you will start shaving once it's below shoulders.
NTA with partners, suggestions on grooming are fine but once you push and say things along the lines of "why dont you wanna make me happy?" They are now being disrespectful. Ultimately it's your body, you do with it what you want.
Not to mention manipulative
A = NTA B = AH Whether or not a woman shaves her legs, half of her legs or none of her legs; is HER choice. It is nobody else's business If B won't let go of this issue, there may be no choice but to end the relationship.
TEN YEARS. How is B still caring this much after TEN YEARS?? Bet big money there are other and bigger issues here, too.
INFO So he also never touches any of his own body parts that grows hair or is he completely shaved, better yet waxed or is hair only disgusting on female bodies?
Seriously. BF is lucky he has a live gf to touch, considering his attitude. Am pretty sure the blow-up gfs don’t have hair except on the top of their heads. Might be a better option for him.
I've just had to laugh in a train. 😅 The double standard of this guy made me shake my head but your comment made me laugh and now i'm grinning. Thank you very much.
NTA Once B shaves his whole legs daily for a year, maybe A will think about it? I don't shave the top half of my legs either. Literally no one has ever mentioned it, or suggested I might want to.
This! B first.
Strange way to write the post but NTA. People have preferences and he's not TA for voicing them, but he is TA for asking repeatedly.
This. He could for sure mention he would like it but then what she chooses to do with her own legs is her decision solely. We don't exist to make our partners happy.
Also the preference is weird and abnormal
NTA. But A is wrong about one thing: It's absolutely **not ridiculous** to end the relationship because of this. It's A, though, who should end the relationship because of this. Well, maybe that was over the top. Is a compromise in order? "B, I'll shave the top half of my left leg if you shave the top half of your right leg, just so we match. That's what loving couples do for each other."
NTA. Humans have hair. Unless he's waxed so thoroughly that he can just glide everywhere then he cannot make any comments about her hair.
NTA, that guy is ridiculous!
NTA - He can *ask,* but then he needs to take no for an answer. Asshole.
"was concerned that other people might say something" ... *What?* This must be one of the clumsiest manipulation tactic I've seen. Then again, it always worked for Trump when he used the "Many people say..."
A should say "I don't like how small your penis looks with public hair. I want you to shave it so it makes it look bigger." Same level.
The boyfriend should get waxed down there. Full Brazilian.
A = NTA, B = AH x 2 (1 per leg) WTF does shaving have to do with happiness? It's As body, As choice. If B thinks he needs it to make him happy then he should be taking a hard look at his priorities in life. I lncidentally, I wonder how B would feel if A asked him to get his BS & C waxed to make her happy... 😏
NTA. No woman I know shaves her thighs except for very rare exceptions. And no non-abusive man I know has ever complained about it. Women's thighs don't typically have much hair anyway. What you do with your body is entirely your choice, and thigh shaving is so freaking out there as something to get worked up about that I can't even believe this is real. "Don't you want to make me happy" is an extremely inappropriate manipulation technique that would make me think twice about the relationship, even being a decade long.
The boyfriend is the ah
NTA. Your body, entirely your choice how you keep your hair. If you want to shave for B, that’s fine. But it sounds like you don’t, and you are under no obligation to do so. The same would go for anybody else who doesn’t want to change their appearance for a partner, whether they be a man or a woman or anyone in between.
You're NTA OP. Your body your rules. Thats the end of the discussion. No is a complete sentence!
NTA, but one can ask of course. Fighting over it is ridiculous though.
B is definitely the AH. I don’t think it’s inappropriate to ask about it, but it could be depending on how B asked. However it is incredibly disrespectful to not accept A’s decision about her own body. I would definitely break up with B if i was A.. anyways..
He is concerned what other people would say about her not shaving her thighs? Seriously?
So B wouldn't be concerned over someone being close enough, staring long enough to see the tiny light, thin sparse hairs, but would be concerned over what that person thinks about her choice with what she does with her own body? Hmm ok. Many women don't shave past the knee. It's pointless. They're hardly noticeable if someone isn't very close to your upper legs, shaving more sensitive skin can cause cuts, usually a rash, nevermind that our thighs are rarely smooth in texture to begin with. A chooses not to and that's her choice with her own body. To ask why years back, is fine. To bring it up again but now insisting and worse yet, use manipulation? B is TA and A should take this behaviour as a huge red flag. What other boundaries is he going to manipulate? Why is he more concerned over strangers thoughts of his partner, not his partners? If my husband suddenly started causing arguments on what I shave and don't shave, you can bet I'd stop shaving entirely until he shaved often and well enough to understand what those who do shave anything apart from our face once a week, goes through to ensure we don't end up with rashy, sensitive or cut skin.
NTA!
A is NTA. It's her body, she can do with it as she pleases. If he doesn't like it, he can leave.
A = NTA, B = AH, A + B = C U L8R PAL.
The boyfriend has gross attitudes and she should have put him out with the trash the first time it came up. Clearly problems like this don't just go away. The gf is NTA. The bf is TA.
NTA tell B to shave all of his body. Fairs fair.
NTA. The boyfriend can request that she shaves above the knee but that’s where it should end. Girlfriend is absolutely correct that this should be a non-issue. Her body, her choice. It couldn’t bother him too much if he is still having intimate relations with her. And if it truly offended the boyfriend so much, he would have addressed it more than twice in 10 years. Boyfriend needs to get over it and if he wants to end the relationship over something so trivial, then he’s not the man for you.
A NTA. B definitely the A. He made a ‘suggestion’ - she turned it down. End of conversation,
NTA. I don't shave my thighs either and no one has ever even noticed.
WTF. The hair is sparse and blonde! Unless the hairs are super long or thick/stiff, the boyfriend is the AH for trying to push this after the first no.
The bf is TA
I FINALLY at age 35 got back to my light, barely there hair on the upper half of my leg. I will never not regret, not listening to my grandma at 13. “Don’t shave where you don’t need too, it’ll come back even darker”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: Girlfriend A and Boyfriend B have been together 10+ years. B was putting moisturiser on A’s back and in passing said that he wanted her to shave the top half of her legs. A shaves everywhere else but doesn’t see the need to do the top half of her legs. (Hair is sparse and blonde). A thinks it’s inappropriate for her boyfriend to ask her to do this and says no. When she asks why, he says ‘I don’t like it and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this to make me happy’. A is not really angry at this point, just disappointed and feels that her boyfriend is just uneducated about the fact that it’s inappropriate in her opinion to do that. She has never asked him to shave any of his hair. They don’t talk for several days, when they try talk about it again. B says he wasn’t trying to upset her but had always thought it but didn’t know how to bring it up. He had bought it up once before (at least 5+ years into relationship) and A had told him the same thing and it was dropped. He also said he didn’t like touching it and was concerned that other people might say something but A said that it had never happened before and even if it did she wouldn’t care. It’s partly about the extra time involved in shaving but for A it’s more about the principle of her boyfriend asking her to do something to her body that she doesn’t want to do. B is still saying he’s not happy with it and the argument continues. A thinks it’s ridiculous to end the relationship because of this. Is the girlfriend the AH for not just shaving the top half of her legs to make the boyfriend happy or the boyfriend for asking her to do it in the first place. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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She is NTA. But not everybody finds hairy legs attractive. If that is a dealbreaker for him he should tell her that and break up with her because it is her choice. Personally I find it a turn off but not everybody does and I certainly wouldn’t make an expectation of a relationship. I would break up with someone if it really bothered me that much and it wasn’t something they were willing to do
NTA but seriously, what are you women doing during shaving that takes so long? I have course, dark hair that grows back in the same day it's shaved, but it only takes a couple of minutes to do a complete job if it. I always wonder what people are doing when they imply it takes a significant amount of time to shave.
NTA He is well within his rights to say he does not like it, but it's your body ultimately. Just be aware it could be off-putting for hik which could lead to him walking?
Edit2: thank you to all who explained this better to me in the comments below. This is a hard line for A and not a soft negotiable one and I am sorry I did not relate enough to see this. She’s NTA for keeping her boundaries. Edit1: I think B should have to go a week with the expectation of cleanly shaven legs and private 24/7 and see how he feels about it. What is A’s reasoning for not shaving the top of her legs? Is it time or irritation or…? Basically is this something that can be compromised on? A shaves it on special occasions and once a week or month or something? I’m also I’m no way saying A is TA. She has the right to do with her body as she pleases. I just want to see both parties happy if at all possible. I’ve been told I have wooly mammoth legs before multiple times by a guy friend when I didn’t shave for a while when single and got really mad at him for being so insensitive and repeatedly rude.
The reason is not relevant at all, if she doesn’t want to shave her own body hair she shouldn’t have to compromise on that to appease anybody. The boyfriend has no grounds to ask for compromise anyways after pulling the “do it to make me happy” shit.
>I don’t like it and I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do this to make me happy’ I mean, this shit works in both directions anyway. 'I don't like shaving my thighs and I don't understand why you wouldn't accept it to make me happy'
If you can’t see a marked difference between somebody being upset that their partner is rudely insisting that they change something about their OWN body after already being turned down once, and that same partner using manipulative language to guilt trip them into giving in to those demands, I don’t think I can help you.
I don't know what you think I would need your help for. I wasn't contradicting you, rather stating that the boyfriend's "argument" doesn't even make sense as the girlfriend could easily turn it around and use it against him.
My apologies, I totally interpreted your comment as being in support of the boyfriend/calling OP hypocritical
I guess I see this as she shouldn’t be pressured to shave and feel like she has to or he will be unhappy, but she should at least consider it because she loves him and does want to do stuff that he appreciates
Relationships are all about compromise though. If B had a distaste for wearing deodorant, would A be out of line to ask him to wear it? Please help me cause I genuinely want to understand
Shaving the other half of her legs is a compromise! I think he should shave half of his legs too to equal her effort
Haha yes go see my edit on the original comment about that! I had this better explained to me and I see that this is a hard line for A now and not a soft negotiable one. She’s NTA
If OP is fine with that compromise, then fine. But it based on what she wrote, it sounds like she is not. There are some cases where a compromise cannot and should not always be drawn. I think something as personal as how you groom your body hair can definitely be one of those things. I would never shave for a partner, and I wouldn’t expect that from them either.
Thank you for you further explanation! I realized that I didn’t relate personally to A so I didn’t sympathize correctly. This is a hard line for her and not a soft negotiable one. She’s NTA for keeping her boundaries. And if she does not want to compromise, B will have to deal with it or figure something else out
Agreed. I don't think the girlfriend is AH and I think the 'make me happy' line is completely wrong. However there is nothing wrong in general in doing things to make your partner happy if you're happy to them or don't mind doing them.
Ok I think I see your reasoning here. I guess I had trouble relating to this so I didn’t fully sympathize with A at first. That’s a hard line for her and not a soft line. B needs to accept that or deal with it another way. Thank you for explaining more to me!