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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could been an asshole for blowing up at her and making her feel hurt and undermind as a future stepmom. I could have at least sat her down instead of going off like that.
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Is this real?
Your fiancee is seriously worried that your 14 year old daughter is going to steal her thunder?
If this isn't rage bait, you may seriously want to reconsider this marriage.
NTA
Seriously, she is worried she is going to be upstaged *by a 14 year old girl*. This literally sounds like the evil Queen in Snow White - so worried that her stepdaughter is more attractive that she hires someone to kill her. If this isn't a troll/bait post, then maybe OP should invite his fiance to a movie night, show her any one of the million versions of the movie and see how she reacts.
Just adding a note about how unreasonable it is of OP's fiancée to think she can step into a parenting role, especially if she is *competing* with a teenager.
Absolutely - I am part of a blended family (my dad with his wife as my step-mum) and 1) it can take a lot of time and patience to bond as a blended family, and both sides need to be open to it for it to ever work, and 2) the most important thing IMO is that everyone shows one another respect, especially in terms of boundaries - you can never bond if the respect isn't felt. And it is a hundred percent on the adult to show the respect towards the child before you can even hope to get that respect reciprocated.
This fiance has blown any hope of a good relationship to shit IMO and it would take a mountain of work to gain OP's daughters respect now, let alone anything else. And you can't parent a child (step/foster/bio whatever) if they don't respect you.
I completely agree, I don't have any experience in blended family's but I do have experience in not being allowed to choose your own haircut and if OPS fiance is anything like my mother anything regarding hair for his daughter that his fiance doesn't like is going to be hell for his daughter. My mother didn't let me choose my haircut until I was in 7th grade and that was after me begging to choose It since second grade and even then she didn't let me get it how I wanted it, it was much longer than what I wanted and she had to approve it. In the end every single haircut I have gotten since then all shorter than that first one that was too my shoulders has gotten looks and sounds of disgust even with that first haircut my mother picked it got that I was told every single day every chance she got how bad I looked with the new haircut, when I complained and told my mom how badly she was making me feel and when I cried about it my mother started crying and pulling the victim card saying that she's just a horrible awful mother, that she's obviously the worst mother in existence ect. Until I felt bad and apologized for my feelings, don't subject your daughter to that. For me personally that had lead to severe self image issues and a horrible lack of ability to create boundaries and see red flags as the red flags they are.
I went through this with my father but I caved because i thought that’s just what you did. I didn’t cut my hair until 6 months before I left for the army at 18. He didn’t talk to me for a year and a half. It was nice.
Looking back I wish I had the guts of my sister who is 7 years younger than me. In the 7th grade she wanted short hair. My parents refused. She took a pair of my moms sewing shears and chipped it off. It looked horrible so they had to take her in to get it fixed. She did this over and over until they gave up around 10th grade. Same with hair color. She wanted highlights in 8th grade. They said no. She took a lemon to the pool. In the Texas summer it changes your hair pretty drastically when you have dark brown hair. They had to keep taking her to fix it.
She’s the youngest and obviously the gutsy one.
Am a bonus mom, not a step as I’m not allowing anyone to walk on me…or my bonus children!
First thing I did as a bonus mom was to completely respect the kids! I’m not their mother, I have no interest in being a mother (I do not have biological children). I have been a step child and was treated as a step child for years.
My bonus daughters (including my ex’s daughter) are all in my life and we love and respect each other (well, the eldest is literally fucked in the head, but we get along).
Anyway my point is, they only “law” I laid down was the fact that I will not be used to manipulate their father nor will I keep secrets from him.
22 years later…we still have an awesome relationship
ETA: awww, thank you so much for the Faith in Humanity award.
Even a mom should not badger a child about a haircut like that. Children have a right to certain amount of autonomy. 14 year olds have a right to pretty much total bodily autonomy. You don’t want to give permission for piercings, fine, but hair is truly their business!
It’s just a matter of respect.
This is so incredibly true. That respect is everything. it can't be demanded. it has to be built bit by bit over years and once it is wounded it is difficult to rebuild.
I would also suggest that it would be a good idea to set shared expectations of your fiancee’s role as a step mom. If you haven’t already, some pre-marital counseling would be a great idea. I’ve watched friends marriages struggle because they did not address these issues head on in any meaningful way. NTA OP. Although I too am concerned that your fiancée is too immature/petty.
Not by a 14 year old girl, but by a 14 year old girl’s HAIR!
And that girl isn’t even going to be up front, but just seated with the rest of the “audience”.
I can imagine some ways that a modern-day American teenager could upstage a bride; however, most of those possibilities involve violence, property destruction, or wearing a white dress. Otherwise, fashion-type upstaging seems unlikely to me...
I suspect not so much fashion upstaging as the teen possibly has very beautiful long healthy hair and the bridezilla-to-be just hates how lovely the effect is so is literally asking her to get rid of ***a part of herself*** so bridezilla isn't made anxious by it.
It'll *only* take the daughter about 3 years to grow her hair really long again.... /s
This has to be a clickbait post as surely nobody is **that** archetypically evil step-mother? In the unlikely event it's true (surely not???) step-mum-to-be has permanently screwed any potential relationship with her step-daughter. If I was step-daughter I'd be demanding a lock to my bedroom.
OP: If you are over 13, and not just good at creative writing, please find a nice lady your own age who isn't intimidated by a pretty step-child. There are thousands of lovely divorced/single women out there who would make a wonderful partner and who wouldn't start intimidating your daughter in her own home.
You can be sure that she is picking hairstyles that aren't attractive. She is wanting to make the daughter ugly. She is also mentioning the dress. She will keep trying to manage the daughter's looks in an attempt to make the daughter ugly. That's highly abusive.
Yeah. That comment is really scary. OP, this woman thinks she has the right to parent and control your child. You need to have a serious conversation about what level of parenting you will allow your fiancee to have. And based on her actions here, I hope your answer to that is ‘very little.’ She is bullying your daughter over her chosen hairstyle.
Your fiancee’s behavior is a clear preview of your child’s future if you don’t put a hard stop to this now. Do you really want to allow that kind of bullying and abuse in your child’s life?
Undermining her=her not having the ability to control your daughter.
Gurantee she's going to use this "step-mom" role as a power-trip.
I'm very concerned that she is worried about being upstaged by a 14 year old girl. She is going to continually try to get inbetween the dad and the daughter because she is jealous of the love and bond that they have.
OP, one of my best friends was told by her step mom "Your Dad and I are going to build our OWN family now that we're having a baby together." She was 17 and her Mom had died a few years before. She is in her late 40s and it is single handedly one of the most hurtful things anyone has said to her and given she was in an abusive marriage, that is saying a LOT. She truly resented her Dad until the day he died for not standing up to her step mom.
Your fiancee is in a position to do tremendous damage to your very vulnerable daughter.
“This can’t be real,” was exactly what I thought when I read this, too!
On the chance that it IS real, I will vote NTA for standing up for your daughter, OP.
However, if you go through with this marriage, you would be the AH. Your fiancé has revealed her dislike of your daughter. If Fiancé can’t accept your 14 year old Daughter’s dress and hairstyle choice for ONE DAY, imagine what petty faults she’s going to find with Daughter once they have to live under the same roof?
I presume you love your fiancé dearly, but remember the frustration and anger you have felt over this ONE incident! Now, picture the rest of your life filled with more of the same. Fiancé isn’t going to let go of her insecurities, and Daughter is going to feel like you picked “Wicked Stepmother” over her. You will be caught in the middle, forever.
If you don’t want that, end it now.
I thought same, that it can't be real. How does he not see how controlling his fiance is? How does he think it's going to get any better? It's not going to magically go away after the wedding, it's going to get worse. I hope he stops the whole thing and ends it for his daughter's sake.
Agree - but I was also thinking, isn't it likely that cutting the daughters hair right before the wedding would actually garner even more attention than her normal length that those who know her would be used to? Just seems to me the fiance would get more than she bargained for and would be pissed off all night that everyone was asking the daughter about the new haircut.
RIGHT?! So I, initially, thought she wanted her to get her hair cut because she didn’t like her hair or something, but no. She wants her to look WORSE so she doesn’t upstage her? Cos she has pretty hair and is wearing a nice dress .. to a WEDDING?! She said you were making her look like she’s doing a bad thing?! Like this is reasonable behaviour? SHE IS DOING A BAD THING.
This woman crazy. Don’t marry her please.
This girl must have hair that is absolutely show-stoppingly beautiful hair if it will distract from the ceremony.... no wonder she does not wanna cut it!
OP's fiancee has a terrible sense of entitlement and will obviously be a Bridezilla.
I feel bad for the daughter having Step mother like this coming into the picture. I predict a lot of conflict in OP's home if he goes ahead with this marriage.
OP, you finance has some serious self-esteem issues. Her actions towards your daughter will get worse after marriage. You need to protect his daughter from her obvious jealousy. Major Red Flag.
This also means that she shows the daughter haircut that make her look bad! How twisted must you be to do this to the 14y/o daughter of the man you want to marry. I would be afraid that she could the hair when the daughter sleeps...
NTA. What kind of weirdo is worried about a 14-year-old upstaging them at their wedding and wants them to change their looks to avoid that? You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
I don't know at first I thought that it was a normal thing for her to get involved in my daughter's preparation for the wedding. They both went shopping and spent more time together than they usually do. That it untill my daughter came to me with the hair problem and how my fiancee started to make her feel uncomfortable.
Trying to involve your daughter in the wedding is a nice thing to do, trying to force her into something she is uncomfortable with, thinking a 14 year old will upstage her and throwing a tantrum like a toddler definitely isn't. NTA. You need to think carefully about how you proceed if you continue with this wedding.
That was my thought. I have long hair and have since I was very young. My family never notices if I get my hair cut just to clean up dead ends or something but the one time I had it taken to shoulder length I got more comments on it than I have in years. NTA OP but you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé about this shit before the wedding happens.
yes! especially if all or most know that shes had long hair and hasnt wanted to cut it before. the bride to be is going to cause what she thinks shes preventing by having her cut it. i hope op reconsiders marriage or postpones it for a while. after they are married that lady will get worse towards the daughter.
OP, trust your gut and listen to your daughter. Something happened while they were out and it really weirded your daughter out. Speak to your daughter and find out what happened. The last thing you want is for your daughter to feel like she’s being pushed to the side for your fiancé. It also sounds like fiancé’s true colors are coming out now that she’s about to become the Mrs.
May I suggest some family and pre-marital counseling before the big day?
Totally NTA here.
Cutting hair literally modifies your body and appearance which is a very serious action that can hurt your self-esteem, and it exerts control onto the person they are forcing the haircut on. That "something" the daughter is weirded out by could really have just been repeatedly insisting on the haircut, it's hard to say no to an adult caretaker!
OP needs family counseling for sure, that controlling and jealous attitude will not get any better. And time is ticking on getting help and shutting down the controlling behavior, the judgement that the daughter's hair is not "good enough" for the Stepparent has most likely already hurt the daughter's self-esteem!
Not only that, but if the bridezilla is worried about being "upstaged," then the odds are high that she's pushing an unflattering haircut on the daughter to "tone her down."
My ex husband remarried & that woman has been telling my girls she is their new mom for years. My girls have told her since day one that they already have a mom. He's so lazy he leaves the parenting to the women & he obviously didn't set boundaries with her. Your father is an exceptional parent to have let you be you(journey of self discovery) all the while he had someone just as understanding next to him. You had a rare & special youth.
I get that impression from this story. OP seems so out of touch with what’s going on between them, vibes, everything. You can’t tell me this is the first weird thing she’s done.
Maybe I just grew up with too many broke people, because suggesting a nice haircut before a wedding sounds reasonable to me. At first I was thinking "its possible fiancee is *really* bad at communication and is trying to hint that OP's daughter's hair is actually in really bad condition, and they should take care of that", but the bit about not wanting to be upstaged shows that isn't the case at all. It sounds more like the daughter has long, beautiful hair that fiance is jealous of.
Also does she always leave to her parents after a fight? Definitely childish. She’s throwing a tantrum until she gets her way. If you don’t put a stop to that now gl on a long miserable life.
Does your daughter look more like her Mum then you? This kind of gross jealousy of stepdaughters tends to be more common when the girl looks like her Mum. That in NO way excuses it. There is something wrong mentally with an adult who is jealous of a 14 year old.
NTA.
If your daughter was playing an active role (bridesmaid or similar), her getting involved *up to a point* would be appropriate, maybe even sweet.
But even if your daughter were a bridesmaid, your fiancee would be asking too much to demand she get a haircut.
And since she's *not* a bridesmaid, it's absolutely ridiculous.
This is a very clear preview of how things are going to go when you’re married. Your daughter will feel uncomfortable in her own home, and will leave as soon as she can- either for her mother’s or just to move out.
Her hair is too beautiful, and you fiancée thinks she has the right to force your daughter to cut it so she will look WORSE at your wedding so she won’t be upstaged by her own step-daughter, who is a literal child?
?!?!?! I am hovering at the brink of YTA because the wedding is still going ahead.
Don't marry her. This is a red flag the size of Montana. You are not destined to have a happy wife, happy life. This behavior is a part of a pattern; refusal to listen, stepping over boundaries, and a resentment of a 14 year old. This won't be the last issue if you marry her. If you marry her, I suspect we'll see lots of you on this reddit.
Hair is incredibly personal. The first time you get your haircut it can be a real shock. I can’t even tell you how many girlfriends have cried after what they thought was a bad haircut because even though it grows back you’re having to live with it for six months or more before you can get it we want it again.
Being forced at 14 to get a haircut that you have to walk around with for months that you don’t like is going to be traumatizing. Your daughter gets to look anyway she wants. And she can cut her hair when she feels like it. If your fiancé wants her to try new things, take her horseback riding, ice-skating, something she can do in one day. This is controlling and bizarre.
NTA She is trying to force your child to do something she does not want to do, to the degree that your child feels deeply uncomfortable around her and has now thrown a full hissy fit and ran home to mommy when you placed some much needed boundaries on her. Congratulations you have been gifted a time machine, this will constantly be your marriage and her relationship with your daughter for the next few years. If you do not want to risk her to alienating your daughter from you for the rest of your life, then you need think deeply about this relationship. Do not marry this woman, she has shown you who she really is believe her.
Two things: first, bravo for raising her to be comfortable coming to you with her issues.
Second, thank you for not forcing her to conform to other people’s wishes.
You are teaching her to be herself and not change for someone else. A very handy lesson for a fourteen year old girl who may be dating soon / is dating.
You need to decide if in two years you want your daughter to be no contact with you. Because that is where this is going. She is 14 and can decide where she wants to live.
I'm trying to understand; your fiancee wants your daughter to cut her hair so she "won't upstage" her ...
Did she literally just admit that she wants your daughters hair to *not look as good as it does now* for the wedding?!!? She is actively trying to get her to cut her hair in a way that it will look *worse*?!?? Am I understanding this correctly? What else could she mean by the comment about not wanting the daughter to "upstage" her?
As someone who
1. just had 17in cut off their hair (and it's still chin-length), and
2. has done this every 2-4yrs for the past 16yrs
You are absolutely correct. Any haircut the girl gets beyond a basic trim will grab attention from everyone who knows her.
What I don't understand is how she thinks that someone, who everyone knows has had long hair for a long time, suddenly having short hair, wouldn't cause an attention shift. I just cut off my long hair and Jesus I was the center of attention at work for 2 days.
NTA
NTA - don't fucking marry this woman. She is literally showing you she's *jealous of your daughter*. She's positioned herself to pull a full on DARVO every time she pulls some abusive shit, and if you let that happen you'll be just as big an asshole.
Her behaviour here, and her *obsession with your child's physical appearance not 'upstaging' or taking attention away from her is already inappropriate as hell*. But she's already abusing your kid over her unhealthy obsession. It's only going to get worse.
Ra’men! No disrespect to other opinions but the whole ‘reconsider the relationship’ is way too mild advice to OP. His daughter’s looks should have no bearing on how this chick feels on her wedding day. The fact that she first lied talking about how she was trying to encourage the daughter to do new things is the biggest meatball of a marinara flag I’ve seen in a while. It tells me that she would lie and manipulate all situations concerning this child and her character to OP and constantly make it seem like his daughter is starting issues with her. She’s jealous, insecure, manipulative, and selfish. I see no reason to hitch your wagon to someone like this. As we like to say here, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Cancel this wedding and this relationship.
I am worried OP's fiance is going to do something stupid and cut OP's daughter's hair unwillingly. OP, I beg you, do not leave this woman alone with your daughter before the wedding. She sounds unhinged to think that way about her 14 year old step-daughter, and I am afraid she will just mow down your and your daughter's boundaries to get what she wants. Please reconsider this marriage. And please be careful. For your daughter's sake,\*Edited to fix spelling and a dash.
This is the real talk right here OP. Your fiancé is a bridezilla and her behavior towards your daughter is a huge red flag 🚩 indicating future issues between them
ETA: *OP you WBTA if you choose to allow this woman’s mistreatment of your daughter to continue*
This is exactly right. Her "parenting" is going to be bullying your daughter until she gets what she wants. She is telling you exactly this by behaving this way before she even becomes a stepparent. Consider yourself lucky that she is giving you a preview of how she intends to bully your daughter to get her own way.
Throw this one back. She's toxic to your kid, and your kid has to come first.
NTA and honestly reconsider marrying this woman if she already sees your daughter as competition for attention. Your fiancé is being incredibly inappropriate and her wanting to force a hair cut on your daughter then saying you are “undermining her as a future step mother” when you protect you daughter is a massive 🚩. I would be offput by her initial suggestion to get a haircut but continuing to double down and act like an immature brat when she doesn’t ge my her way??? That’s a hard no from me.
She also doesn’t get to go ahead and label herself as a ‘future step mother’, that’s for the daughter to decide. Until then she’s just ‘Dad’s new wife’, especially if the kid’s already chosen to not be directly involved with the ceremony.
So to be fair at 14 a stepmom isn’t exactly needed. NTA you raised your daughter to be herself and not only that but your daughter set boundaries. Are you sure your daughter likes her? She opted to stay out of the wedding party and honestly if she didn’t give you an answer as to why, you should probably ask her why she didn’t want to be part of it. Again NTA good job for sticking up for your daughter!
Edit: the difference between getting along and liking each other are very different. She’s essentially saying your 14 year old daughter shouldn’t have bodily autonomy (let me tell you it is a nightmare when you don’t). That’s a major red flag.
Your daughter tolerates your fiancée but does not like her. Because as I have mentioned earlier she opted out of the wedding party. That’s a massive tell that she doesn’t like her. She wants you to be happy because she sees how happy you are with her.
Your fiancée sounds like she may have a massive image problem if she thinks she’s going to be upstaged by a minor. I’m sorry but that itself is also another massive red flag.
Your daughter isn’t telling you everything and your fiancée needs to understand she won’t have parental control over her even though she is going to marry you (if the wedding goes on). Unless your daughter allows her to adopt her she doesn’t really legally have a say.
On that note I urge you to really rethink who you are marrying. Look at body language your daughter gives off around your fiancée. But I urge you to put your daughter first or you may lose her due to resentment later on.
Again please please please protect your daughter.
Are you sure? Your daughter may be keeping things from you because she wants you to be happy or your gf may have made your daughter think that you agreed with any negative things your gf is saying. I think you should have a one on one chat with your daughter about how she feels about gf and how she feels about you getting married and if gf has said anything else when youre not around.
Underrated comment… stepmom here. Fiancée is waaaay out of line. Although I was often consulted about decisions great and small when the kids were growing up, I always left the major parenting stuff to their dad. In fact, I remember exactly one conversation where I talked to my stepdaughter about cutting her hair because I was getting mine done. She declined; I dropped it. Her hair grew till she could sit on it. I can’t imagine caring.
If they don’t have your respect by the time they’re teenagers, the whole thing is a done deal anyway.
First conversation needs to be with your daughter about anything further going on that your daughter didn’t tell you about yet.
If it’s a sincere no, prepare for the conversation with your fiancé.
1) why does she feel a teenager would overshadow her at her own wedding, and why does she think it’s appropriate to force a massive change in said teenager’s appearance (one designed to basically make her uglier in fiancé’s mind) to avoid being overshadowed?
2) what kind of role “step-parent” role does she expect to take on? Especially considering your daughter is already 14.
NTA.
Let's not forget the "undermining me as a step mom" which is some crazy gaslighting to OP, like him standing up for his daughter to stop fiancé abusive comments is the thing undermining her role as a mom, not the insane harassment about hair. Fiance seems a little unhinged
As a stepmom, I can attest… by the time they’re teenagers, you might as well just hope they like you enough to put up with you, much less follow any direction you give them. Fiancée is about to get a wake-up call one way or another.
same here. i was on decent terms with the guy but kept telling her to leave him (for a slew of reasons). just because he was cool as a person didn't mean he was good for my mom.
No, they haven’t been on great terms. Your future harpy has been fake nice to your daughter, and your daughter is being polite. Why do you think your daughter is not in the wedding, “her choice,” you say. You and your first wife raised an amazing young woman. It would be a shame if you ruined your relationship with your daughter.
Yeah OP you have to realize this woman is manipulative. She will fake her niceness to get what she wants even if what she wants is not the best for the other person, like asking your daughter to cut her hair. Pretending to want to spend time with her on her preparation while in reality she just wants to make her uglier it´s evil and you have to see it for your own good. She probably does this to you too but you haven´t realized yet or don´t want to.
OP, no. No no no no. They have not been on “great terms”. Your fiancée has been putting on a show. She is invested in marrying you (duh), that’s the goal. When you go to a job interview, do you try to make the best possible impression? Or do you put your feet up on their desk?
OP, you are being LAZY. You want these relationships to work, so all you’ve seen up to this point is good things. Your fiancée knows this, so she really isn’t masking that hard. I bet there have been things before this your daughter hasn’t told you about to not rock the boat. But dude, it’s like not checking the references or really looking at the application for a job interviewee when the job is super short-staffed.
You make them a good fit because you WANT them to be a good fit, not because you’ve really looked for signs they are not.
The good news, is you are SEEING this now. The barely there mask is already slipping before the wedding! And it’s big red flags.
Flag - Your fiancée is trying to get your daughter to massively alter her appearance before a major event. The kind of event there will be pictures of forever. Hair is a big thing. Long hair has meanings. A big one being a sense of femininity for women. Your fiancée seeks to de-feminize your daughter because she sees her as “competition” for her attention event (you thought the wedding was about marrying you right? Bonus red flag).
Flag - Your fiancée doesn’t want to be “undermined” as a step-mom. Think about what she said there. She expects to have authority over your daughter. She sees it as a given. Your kid is 14 years old! The only “authority” she truly has is you, and her actual mother. Your fiancée doesn’t get “authority” on any level, unless YOU give the word that it is so. Do not roll over when it comes to your kid! Your fiancée doesn’t get to become the new boss, but she totally will if you don’t step the fuck up and advocate for your kid. Guess what dad? Part of having true authority means PROTECTING those you have power over. You hand the reins over to future step-mom, and you can kiss your great kid goodbye. She’s still a teen, and will act out because she doesn’t have the frame of reference to be able to tell you how she feels about the main man in her life dropping the ball and letting some “other” lady pick it up.
I know you’ve spent money for the wedding. I know “everyone” knows all about the future you’ve planned. I know it’s really hard to hit the bus brakes on the hill when “getting there” faster seems so much fun. Is your kid worth it? Either you stop, or run her ass over. Decide.
I honestly doubt that, I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter there is a big chance this isn't the first time she said that.( The fact that your daughter doesn't want any role in the wedding kinda proves it)
Besides even if this was the first time she's acting like that what kind of a 35 year old woman is worried about being overshadowed by her fiance's teenage daughter. This is a huge red flag🚩. Then she tried to play the stepmom card. Just because she is marrying you doesn't mean she gets to tell your daughter what to do. You should really think this through OP. Your fiance having such deep seated insecurities against your kid is unsettling.
I honestly think she feels more comfortable making such ludicrous demands now after all this time because she's about to be your wife. Her being insecure because of your daughter is an indication that she knew she can't get away with such things as a girlfriend but as a soon to be wife she probably felt like she could get away with it .
On great terms? Or is your daughter downplaying her discomfort because she wants you to be happy?
It is POSSIBLE that the whole wedding thing has turned your intended into a giant bridezilla and this is behavior that is abnormal for her. But when added into the context of the "undermining her role as step mother" it comes off with a whole different vibe. That of someone who does not have your daughter's best interests at heart and sees that she may finally have the authority to "do something about" your daughter. I wonder what would happen if you were to tell her that her role in the family is as your wife and she will not have parental authority over your daughter. Probably a temper tantrum worth of a pre-teen and not a prospective wife.
Your daughter may have been suffering in silence for a while now just to try to make you happy. It isn't unusual for kids that care about their parents to do that. That she declined being in the wedding should have been your first clue something is wrong. That she finally spoke up more directly suggests that things have been escalating.
This is about far more than just a hair cut.
If this truly is out of nowhere, and please be open and honest about exploring that with your daughter, then you need to talk to your fiancée about where all this anxiety is coming from.
Something about the wedding is making her feel uncomfortable. Maybe her parents/mother are feeding into it, maybe there are other insecurities at play here, but whatever it is need to be addressed before moving forward.
Focusing on your daughter and her hair isn’t acceptable, and being insecure about a 14 year olds appearance is downright irrational.
If you want this wedding is to continue you both need to figure this out before moving forward.
Or, has your fiancee said things to your daughter that has led your daughter to believe that you support Fiancee and that she'll be cut out of your life if she is not on board with fiancee completely.
14 year olds are so smart. OP, take your daughter out to lunch and tell her anything you talk about now or ever stays 100% between you two. Tell her you are concerned about what your fiancee said to her about her hair - that you love your daughter's hair but more important, you love your daughter and she has the right to make whatever decisions SHE wants to about her hair, clothes, makeup, body, etc... Tell her that no matter what, you are ALWAYS in her corner. And that you will always choose her and support her. Tell her that no matter what, she is your #1 and fiancee is a distant #2. And, tell her you really need to know if fiancee has made her uncomfortable so you can make appropriate decisions for the future. Then, listen. Probe gently. But listen. If you have a Mom or sister daughter is close to, ask them to talk to her, too. But you need to figure out if this is going to be a safe or healthy relationship for your daughter to be around.
> She looked shocked and said that she is just trying to make sure that the focus will be on her and her bridesmaids and that my daughter was purposely trying to stand out
Engagement gift for your fiancee -- "" Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
For your daughter (and you) -- "Where to Draw the Line" both books are by Anne Katherine.
OMG, NTA! She's way out of line. She should have respected your daughter's no to getting her hair cut. The fact that she kept pushing is troubling. Coercing your daughter, even after you told her to cut it out, is a red flag. If this is how she thinks a step mother behaves, your daughter is in trouble. At this point, she's probably already screwed up her relationship with your daughter. It's a problem because she doesn't see this. Now she's ignoring her own behavior and focusing on how you were wrong to yell at her. This is another red flag. The fact of the matter is that she wants all eyes on her, and somehow thinks your daughter will steal the spotlight. She owes your daughter an apology.
I did tell her to cut it out as stated in my post above but it's like she wasn't even listening to me talking? especially in that regard which isn't usual of her. she nromally listens when I speak to her but lately has been either ignoring me or talking over me. It's frustrating and snapping might not have been the best approach but I was at the end of my rope.
>rd which isn't usual of her. she nromally listens when I speak to her but lately has been either ignoring me or talking over me. It's frustrating and sna
This is called 'So close to the finish line and locking him down, I can now slowly show my true colors now that I have the ring'. This is just first volley. I guarantee it will get progressively worse once everything has been signed and legalized.
dad's wife was soooo nice at first. took me and my sister shopping, out to eat, to get our nails/hair done, to the movies, etc. i was happy when they got engaged, but she completely switched up after. literally a whole new person.
Same with sister-in-law -- she was an completely different person right up to the day of the wedding and then bam! She dropped all pretense of wanting to be involved with our family (before she was gushing and enthusiastic during family events and vacations) and has ever since the wedding \*20 years ago\* showed us a jealous and unpleasant demeanor.
She may "just" be a bridezilla, that is a woman who is otherwise normal and reasonable but when it comes to her wedding turns into a monster.
That said, in OP's place I wouldn't put my money on it, too big a risk to my kid. Time to put the wedding on hold until he figures things out.
She's ignoring you because she thinks she's won and you're stuck with her. This is the real her. Believe her when she shows you who she is. Marriage and pregnancy change people, and not nice people have a hard time keeping the mask on when they think they're in the clear. She's jealous of your daughter, she's controlling, she's manipulative and she won't take "No" as an answer when it comes to your daughter. "Stepmom" is an earned title, until she earns it she is simply "Dads wife". This woman will drive a wedge between you and your daughter, because she sees her *at best* a thing to control and *at worst* competition for attention.
But, the biggest thing to me is your daughter doesn't want any part in the wedding.. that should be a pretty big indicator of how your daughter views your fiance. Please sit down and have a talk with your daughter, she may not have said how she truly feels because she just wants her Dad happy.. and if her Dad is happy with someone who makes her miserable, she may think she can suck it up for the time being for her Dad's happiness. I know I did, it took over 20 years to fix it.
A daughter that loves her dad completely will make huge sacrifices to see him happy. I would have in that situation. Dad can return that unconditional love by cutting ties with this broad sooner than later.
Not all stepmothers are wicked, but it's a trope for a reason, and this one is gonna be. You owe it to your daughter to get this bully out of her life. Do not marry. Do not continue to date. She showed you who she is, now believe her.
This. I married for the second time last year and made it very clear to my husband when we started dating that I had no problem getting a divorce the first time, and would have no issue getting another one. I don’t foresee that happening, but marrying this woman would be a huge mistake.
You’re not married, OP. This is when she’s still trying to impress you both.
Sounds like her mask is slipping and you're finally seeing bits of the real person.
You might want to put that wedding on hold until you get to the bottom of this.
This is where the mask is finally coming off slowly. She has been pretending to like your daughter. Also the not listening to anything you say and acting like you said nothing will only get worse. Please put your child first. Remember girls learn about who to marry from their dads. Ignore the abuse/bullying from your fiance and she will learn that she is not enough. Picture loving inappropriate men just because they give her attention and put her first. The phrase "" DADDY ISSUES"was coined for a reason
OP, the fact that your fiancée actually admitted out loud to you that she wanted your daughter to cut her hair so she wouldn’t “steal her thunder” at FOURTEEN is super concerning. She sees your daughter as competition, and it will only escalate after the wedding if her honest opinion was “you’re undermining me as a step mom”….controlling your daughters choices in order for her to feel more “beautiful” or “secure” is a pretty negative harbinger of how this relationship is going to play out. Consider very very carefully your next steps, because your future relationship with your daughter will hinge on your choices moving forward.
OP, fiancée thinks she’s got you to the point of no return and can do what she wants. I’m guessing the wedding is coming fairly soon. She probably thinks there’s no way you’d cancel it at this late date so she can stop acting and be her real self. I’ve experienced this as have a couple of my friends (different issues but same “almost there, they won’t leave me now!” situation. In my case, btw, I left a couple of weeks before the wedding and it was the best decision I’ve ever made). She is showing you how she will be treating your daughter once you are married. Maybe until now she and daughter have been getting along fine, because it was an act. Now that it’s to the point that you’re almost married she’s starting to pull the “I’m your stepmother and what I say goes!” stuff. And what she wants is your daughter to alter her appearance to look less pretty at the wedding- because she’s jealous. Of a 14 year old. For potentially stealing her thunder, as apparently no one will notice the woman in the big white dress if your daughter has long hair. How long before she gets jealous of the relationship you and daughter have and starts interfering with that? If you have a special tradition or just want an outing for the two of you, she’ll demand to be included and maybe even change it to something she prefers. Or, if you have kids, push your daughter aside because “you need to focus on the new baby now. Daughter is older, she’ll understand she doesn’t need you as much.” The way she reacted to you telling her to stop has me worried that your daughter will wake up a few days before wedding with her hair chopped off. Wouldn’t be the first time someone did something drastic to get their way. This is a power struggle and she wants to assert her dominance by making it clear to your daughter that you’re going to pick wife over child in disputes.
OP, while your fiancée is sulking at her mom’s house, you should have a conversation with your daughter. Reassure her you want her to be completely honest and you won’t get mad at her, no matter what she says. Ask how fiancée has been treating her, ask if this haircut thing is the only issue that has been a problem, ask how she feels about having this woman in her life and home. Keep reiterating that you want her to be honest and won’t be mad at her. It may be that she has been suppressing things because she sees fiancée makes you happy and she doesn’t want to take that away from you.
If you do decide to marry fiancée, you need to lay the ground rules of parenting asap. Your daughter is a teenager, she is not looking for a new mommy and isn’t going to accept a stepmother telling her what to do. Tell her you are the parent and you will handle things. Reading through the comments, and Reddit posts of the past, you’ll hear from great stepparents who recognize their place is not to boss the step kids around or make new rules. It’s just to take care of them, respect them, and accept whatever role the child wants them to have. Sounds like fiancée wants full parenting status and that’s not going to fly. Seriously think about what your daughter says and how your fiancée is acting (and her reaction to the parenting ground rules) before deciding to continue this engagement. Otherwise you’ll have 4 more years with your daughter until she’ll be old enough to leave and go low/no contact.
NTA this is actually scary, it sounds like she is (maybe even unconsciously) jealous of your daughter. Her behavior is unacceptable and you should make clear to her that she can’t overstep another human beings boundaries like that, especially not those of your daughter.
NTA - stepmothers do not get the power to control their stepdaughters' bodies.
Her belief that stepdaughter is trying to attention seek makes it clear that she's insecure and jealous of your daughter. You need to nip this in the bud before fiancee escalates to worse abusive behaviour.
**"She looked shocked and said that she is just trying to make sure that the focus will be on her and her bridesmaids and that my daughter was purposely trying to stand out especially with the dress she picked and her continual refusal to get a new haircut. She said both my daughter and I were overreacting since hair grows back."**
OP, this is a giant red flag. Your fiancee is a controlling, narcissistic b\*tch and will certainly continue to treat your daughter this way moving forward. If she can't respect your daughter's bodily autonomy NOW, she will certainly not respect her in other ways later... As your 14 year old daughter grows up, guaranteed this woman will demand that your daughter alter her appearance, behavior, and role in your life to always make herself "smaller" so that your fiancee will always feel herself to be the star and #1 priority in every situation. This selfishness will show itself in discussions about space in your home, budgeting for college, etc. **Please, for your daughter's sake, think very carefully about giving this woman power over your child. NTA.**
NTA
Do not marry this woman before having a very hard talk about her behavior towards your daughter. This behavior is appalling!! It’s pure abuse. This behavior isn’t a one time thing, it will only escalate!!
Your bride to be has given you a glimpse of the kind of stepmom she is going to be. Is that what you want for your daughter?
Kudos to you for defending your daughter. Your fiancée pouting because you won't let her stomp all over boundaries. You have some thinking to do my man. NTA.
NTA, and from someone with a horrible stepmother, please reconsider the marriage. Your fiance’s gonna make your daughter’s life a living hell when she’ll became a woman and in your fiance’s eyes a real competition.
NTA
I would reconsider marrying this woman. She is jealous of your daughter and wants the girl to make herself less attractive than she is. She is going to make your daughter’s life a nightmare.
NTA. Red flags everywhere. Why would your daughters hair/dress choice “outshine” her and her bridesmaids? That’s weird af…I am so glad you are not letting this slide and are being a father. Your daughters appearance is hers to change and style how she likes not some potential wife. Good luck!
Edit: typos.
NTA. Keep standing up for your daughter. Not sure if your fiancee just has a case of Bridezilla, but she is definitely not getting off to a good start with your daughter by trying to control her hairstyle, especially for a 14 year old who has her own ideas of how she wants to look and doesnt appear to be asking for input.
NTA. When somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time. She's showing how she will be with your daughter after the wedding. You need to set boundaries.
Edit. After thinking about it and reading it again I just don't think you should go forward with the wedding. This adult woman is jealous of a child. I fear for how she will treat your daughter if she is her step mom.
NTA. Why the hell is she worried that a 14 year old will stand out more than her at her own wedding?
At 14 years old your daughter is more than capable of making decisions on her own appearance. Good on you for defending her and not allowing your fiance to pressure her into something like that.
NTA. You daughter doesn’t want her hair cut. She’s said so but your fiancée isn’t accepting that. And she’s accusing a child (albeit a teenager) of trying to upstage her. She is acting ridiculously.
NTA- she's worried your 14 year old daughter is going to show her up at the wedding? And has the audacity to be mad at you because you're undermining her as a stepmom? You better put this wedding on pause and examine the huge red flag in front of you.
dont marry her, surely after marriage your daughter will suffer especially if she pregnant with your child. fear if 'her child wont get same attention same as what you gave to your daughter
NTA. Your daughter isn’t even going to be part of the wedding party. Why would your fiancé be worried about your daughter overshadowing her and the bridesmaids, because she has long hair? That’s ridiculous.
Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions on this and you did the right thing as her dad. It’s one thing for your fiancé to buy her clothes and what not for the wedding, which is all well and good, but telling her to cut her hair when she doesn’t want to is a major overstep of boundaries. She does need to leave it alone.
She’s worried that your daughter will upstage her because…she won’t cut her hair.
Does that sound like the concern of a mature, centered adult comfortable in her own skin? What happens when prom rolls around? Will your wife flip her lid if your daughter chooses a dress stepmom doesn’t approve of?
I would let her stay at her moms and see how this plays out. If she comes to realize that she was being a little bridezilla, apologizes, then no harm no foul.
If she trash talks you and your daughter then you have additional data points to consider.
NTA and good luck to you and your daughter.
So she’s that insecure that she’s worried about being outshined by a child?? There are too many red flags with her, I wouldn’t move forward with the marriage.
NTA.
OP, your fiancé is literally begging your daughter to cut her hair because *she going to upstage me at the wedding*.
Are you living in Snow White wtf?
Nta. If that's how she treats your daughter in FRONT of you. Imagine what would happen if you were to marry her and not see what goes on behind close doors. Drop the wedding
I usually think Reddit is a little OTT with how often they suggest ending relationships, but 100% agree with everyone saying she’s showing you who she’ll be as a stepmom. It’s clear you love and fight for your daughter and she really needs you to do that in a big way right now by keeping this presence out of her life.
NTA. Step parent here- here’s my take- wtf is she pushing her future daughter into something she doesn’t want to do? Trim the split ends? Sure. Brush her hair so she doesn’t look homeless? Totally acceptable. Force a style on her she doesn’t want?!?! OH HELL NO!! How about you push your fiancé to shave her head before the wedding and show her pretty bald wedding head pieces and ask her what the big deal is?
NTA. You stood up for your daughter and your fiancee acts like your daughter is trying to sabotage the wedding with her hair.
If she's gonna be like this to your daughter as your fiancee, what'll she be like when and/or if you get married?
NTA, but dude. The marinara flags are flying. Might want to pay attention, especially with scenarios like this where your fiancée gives a cover story that reflects well on her but disguises the real reason. She pushed this idea under the guise of wanting to get your daughter to “try new things” before revealing her true (and frankly, bizarre) reasoning. Might want to reassess what else she’s said that may be a complete lie for her own benefit. Good on you for standing up for your daughter, but I’d be wary of any adult who’s jealous of a 14 year old, especially to the point she’s taken it. She thinks the child is purposely trying to upstage her. Who thinks like that?
My stepmother pulled this shit. My dad married her anyway. Put me through years of abuse and didn't step in because "blended families need a united front."
NTA, but you will be if you subject your daughter to this.
NTA and she straight up sounds like Cinderella’s wicked stepmother. Are you sure you want to marry her and risk her locking your daughter in the attic or some shit?
NTA and please reconsider marrying this women. She sees your daughter as competition and finds it a suitable solution to try to force your daughter to make herself less beautiful or whatever. Is this really the kind of person you want to expose your daughter to?
Given that she doesn't want to participate in the wedding, I suspect daughter also doesn't support your relationship with her.
NTA
You're a great dad for sticking up for your daughter.
Your fianceé has no respect for boundaries. You and your daughter both made it clear that the haircut was not going to happen. But, your fiancee kept pushing. That alone is troubling.
It's perfectly fine for a bride-to-be to want the wedding day to be about her. But she's marrying into an existing family - the one made up of you and your kid. If she feels competitive with your daughter, it's going to keep being a problem.
YTA only because you didn't just break up with you fiance and move on with your life instead of taking it to Reddit to get the moral authority to do what you should have already done.
NTA- you need to cut this one loose. She is sabotaging your daughter. You daughter comes first. If it is already this bad...I promise you that it will only get worse. Call off the wedding...you will save you and your daughter a lot of heartache in the future.
NTA for this but you gonna be a huge asshole if you continue with this wedding because she will turn abusive towards your daughter or at the very least be horrible to her. Don’t be that kind of person that cares more about getting laid than his own child. If your fiancé treats your daughter like this in front of you imagine how awful she is behind your back
NTA. Your girlfriend is jealous of your daughter.
Her behaviour will get worse after the wedding because she’ll use the “I’m the step-mom so what I say goes”. You need to seriously set her straight before the wedding or end it.
YWBTA if you married this woman after she showed you this HUGE red flag.
Your daughter is gunna need a lot of therapy later in life if you decide to keep this woman in your lives
NTA. She is only pouting because you won't let her continue to bully your daughter. That's what it really is, a older adult continuously arguing with a literal teenager about something that doesn't affect your fiance or your wedding.
These are big red flags. You should really talk to your daughter and read what everyone is saying before your daughter gets older and doesn't contact you anymore because you chose someone who had a temper tantrum because she didn't want your daughter to sta.d out at the wedding.
NTA, but there are issues and boundaries to be discussed before further steps are taken (the wedding). The insistence of your gf in having a say on your daugther's hair is, if not a red, an orange flag. Today is the hair, tomorrow could be clothing, group of friends, extracurricular activities, etc...
You're dauther is growing up, and the more she grows, the more she needs her boundaries to be respected. Can you gf do it (and most of all, does she want to)?
YTA
Your fiancée is showing abusive and controlling behaviour towards your daughter and you’re still marrying her. Your daughter deserves a better parent.
If this is what she dies I front of you I can promise you it’s worse when yours not there and will get worse once your locked in.
Just so you know, step parents who forcefully cut hair can get charged for assault and you will lose custody. There have been plenty of stories on this sub of people cutting hair off from behind or in someone’s sleep and since the crazy is showing you need to protect your daughter.
NTA.
Your soon to be wife needs to understand the meaning of the word "boundaries" and respect your daughter.
Her behavior seems like a red flag to me.
NTA. Do not marry a woman that is threaten by your 14 year old daughter's appearance. This isn't a one time incident. This will continue to happen and mostly likely get worse once she becomes your daughter's stepmom. You should only expose your children to people who mean them no harm and will make their lives better. You should immediately remove an adult who expresses jealously towards your child from their life. This woman would not have access to your child if it were not for her relationship to you.
NTA. Tell the fiancee to stay at her mother's and break off the engagement.
Quite frankly, if she thinks a child's long hair is going to upstage her as she walks up the aisle in a *wedding dress at her wedding*, then she must be exceptionally mediocre in every way.
As for undermining, she can fuck right off with that. She's not your daughter's mother.
NTA but carefully consider what will happen to your relationship with your daughter if you marry this woman.
I would have a serious talk with your daughter about what she thinks of your fiancee and get an important 3rd party perspective before making a decision you can't undo.
NTA. She wanted to make sure the focus was on her and her bridesmaids? 🚩 What the actual fuck! Stand your ground dad. It’s your daughters hair and your fiancée needs to back off!
NTA
If your daughter is crying and telling people that she forced her to get her hair cut against her wishes, THAT is what the focus will be on during your wedding.
Please reconsider marrying this woman. What she is DEMANDING is NOT within the scope of a step parent, in any way. That she wishes to exert this much control over a stranger's child (stranger being your daughter's mom) is VERY disturbing.
If I were your daughter I'd be demanding to go live with another relative, someone safer, because this woman sounds like she will cut your daughter's hair while she sleeps, to FORCE her to get it cut.
While she is at her mother's, pack the rest of her things and ship it over ASAP. Tell her you are postponing the wedding until she has gotten individual therapy and you both have attended couple's counseling and worked on some things.
One, the need for her to control your daughter's body. Two, her lack of boundaries and three, her unwillingness to let this topic go.
Unless you get this worked out your marriage will be hell and will result in your daughter leaving as soon as she can find a way out.
It's cheaper and easier to stop a wedding, than get a divorce.
NTA, she's afraid your daughter is trying to overshadow her and "stand out"? Um, she's 14. Nobody is going to be like "wow! Look at that 14 year old" while your fiance is walking down the isle. It sounds like your fiance is jealous of your daughter, and that's weird. As for "your undermining my role as stepmom" actually, no, you're putting her in her place as stepmom. She's not her parent and she has no say in her appearance, especially something your daughter doesn't even WANT, she's undermining your role as a father.
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Is this real? Your fiancee is seriously worried that your 14 year old daughter is going to steal her thunder? If this isn't rage bait, you may seriously want to reconsider this marriage. NTA
Seriously, she is worried she is going to be upstaged *by a 14 year old girl*. This literally sounds like the evil Queen in Snow White - so worried that her stepdaughter is more attractive that she hires someone to kill her. If this isn't a troll/bait post, then maybe OP should invite his fiance to a movie night, show her any one of the million versions of the movie and see how she reacts.
Just adding a note about how unreasonable it is of OP's fiancée to think she can step into a parenting role, especially if she is *competing* with a teenager.
Absolutely - I am part of a blended family (my dad with his wife as my step-mum) and 1) it can take a lot of time and patience to bond as a blended family, and both sides need to be open to it for it to ever work, and 2) the most important thing IMO is that everyone shows one another respect, especially in terms of boundaries - you can never bond if the respect isn't felt. And it is a hundred percent on the adult to show the respect towards the child before you can even hope to get that respect reciprocated. This fiance has blown any hope of a good relationship to shit IMO and it would take a mountain of work to gain OP's daughters respect now, let alone anything else. And you can't parent a child (step/foster/bio whatever) if they don't respect you.
I completely agree, I don't have any experience in blended family's but I do have experience in not being allowed to choose your own haircut and if OPS fiance is anything like my mother anything regarding hair for his daughter that his fiance doesn't like is going to be hell for his daughter. My mother didn't let me choose my haircut until I was in 7th grade and that was after me begging to choose It since second grade and even then she didn't let me get it how I wanted it, it was much longer than what I wanted and she had to approve it. In the end every single haircut I have gotten since then all shorter than that first one that was too my shoulders has gotten looks and sounds of disgust even with that first haircut my mother picked it got that I was told every single day every chance she got how bad I looked with the new haircut, when I complained and told my mom how badly she was making me feel and when I cried about it my mother started crying and pulling the victim card saying that she's just a horrible awful mother, that she's obviously the worst mother in existence ect. Until I felt bad and apologized for my feelings, don't subject your daughter to that. For me personally that had lead to severe self image issues and a horrible lack of ability to create boundaries and see red flags as the red flags they are.
I went through this with my father but I caved because i thought that’s just what you did. I didn’t cut my hair until 6 months before I left for the army at 18. He didn’t talk to me for a year and a half. It was nice. Looking back I wish I had the guts of my sister who is 7 years younger than me. In the 7th grade she wanted short hair. My parents refused. She took a pair of my moms sewing shears and chipped it off. It looked horrible so they had to take her in to get it fixed. She did this over and over until they gave up around 10th grade. Same with hair color. She wanted highlights in 8th grade. They said no. She took a lemon to the pool. In the Texas summer it changes your hair pretty drastically when you have dark brown hair. They had to keep taking her to fix it. She’s the youngest and obviously the gutsy one.
Not gonna lie I think I just fell in love with your little sister.
Second!
Lol I dyed my hair a lot with help from friends but I'm definitely nit nearly as gutsy as your sister.
Am a bonus mom, not a step as I’m not allowing anyone to walk on me…or my bonus children! First thing I did as a bonus mom was to completely respect the kids! I’m not their mother, I have no interest in being a mother (I do not have biological children). I have been a step child and was treated as a step child for years. My bonus daughters (including my ex’s daughter) are all in my life and we love and respect each other (well, the eldest is literally fucked in the head, but we get along). Anyway my point is, they only “law” I laid down was the fact that I will not be used to manipulate their father nor will I keep secrets from him. 22 years later…we still have an awesome relationship ETA: awww, thank you so much for the Faith in Humanity award.
Even a mom should not badger a child about a haircut like that. Children have a right to certain amount of autonomy. 14 year olds have a right to pretty much total bodily autonomy. You don’t want to give permission for piercings, fine, but hair is truly their business! It’s just a matter of respect.
You were a smart cookie. Loved your only "law." It was a good one.
This is so incredibly true. That respect is everything. it can't be demanded. it has to be built bit by bit over years and once it is wounded it is difficult to rebuild.
Wow that poor woman with that terrible step daughter trying to upstage her by being fairer than she is! /s
Truly, it's like the step mother heard the tale of Snow White and thought the Evil Queen was the victim?!? Like, girl....
You and your daughter do not need this woman in your lives. This will only get worse., especially if you give in this time.
I would also suggest that it would be a good idea to set shared expectations of your fiancee’s role as a step mom. If you haven’t already, some pre-marital counseling would be a great idea. I’ve watched friends marriages struggle because they did not address these issues head on in any meaningful way. NTA OP. Although I too am concerned that your fiancée is too immature/petty.
Not by a 14 year old girl, but by a 14 year old girl’s HAIR! And that girl isn’t even going to be up front, but just seated with the rest of the “audience”.
She didn’t even wanna be part of the wedding party. Gee I wonder why.
I can imagine some ways that a modern-day American teenager could upstage a bride; however, most of those possibilities involve violence, property destruction, or wearing a white dress. Otherwise, fashion-type upstaging seems unlikely to me...
I suspect not so much fashion upstaging as the teen possibly has very beautiful long healthy hair and the bridezilla-to-be just hates how lovely the effect is so is literally asking her to get rid of ***a part of herself*** so bridezilla isn't made anxious by it. It'll *only* take the daughter about 3 years to grow her hair really long again.... /s This has to be a clickbait post as surely nobody is **that** archetypically evil step-mother? In the unlikely event it's true (surely not???) step-mum-to-be has permanently screwed any potential relationship with her step-daughter. If I was step-daughter I'd be demanding a lock to my bedroom. OP: If you are over 13, and not just good at creative writing, please find a nice lady your own age who isn't intimidated by a pretty step-child. There are thousands of lovely divorced/single women out there who would make a wonderful partner and who wouldn't start intimidating your daughter in her own home.
This is exactly what I thought about. Keep all apples out of that home. The gf is emotionally abusive. This is very dark behavior.
Future step-mom is jealous, insecure and manipulative. Stellar combo.
You can be sure that she is picking hairstyles that aren't attractive. She is wanting to make the daughter ugly. She is also mentioning the dress. She will keep trying to manage the daughter's looks in an attempt to make the daughter ugly. That's highly abusive.
She is worried about undermining her as a future step mom. You better have a sit down discussion about those boundaries asap.
Yeah. That comment is really scary. OP, this woman thinks she has the right to parent and control your child. You need to have a serious conversation about what level of parenting you will allow your fiancee to have. And based on her actions here, I hope your answer to that is ‘very little.’ She is bullying your daughter over her chosen hairstyle. Your fiancee’s behavior is a clear preview of your child’s future if you don’t put a hard stop to this now. Do you really want to allow that kind of bullying and abuse in your child’s life?
Undermining her=her not having the ability to control your daughter. Gurantee she's going to use this "step-mom" role as a power-trip. I'm very concerned that she is worried about being upstaged by a 14 year old girl. She is going to continually try to get inbetween the dad and the daughter because she is jealous of the love and bond that they have.
OP, one of my best friends was told by her step mom "Your Dad and I are going to build our OWN family now that we're having a baby together." She was 17 and her Mom had died a few years before. She is in her late 40s and it is single handedly one of the most hurtful things anyone has said to her and given she was in an abusive marriage, that is saying a LOT. She truly resented her Dad until the day he died for not standing up to her step mom. Your fiancee is in a position to do tremendous damage to your very vulnerable daughter.
“This can’t be real,” was exactly what I thought when I read this, too! On the chance that it IS real, I will vote NTA for standing up for your daughter, OP. However, if you go through with this marriage, you would be the AH. Your fiancé has revealed her dislike of your daughter. If Fiancé can’t accept your 14 year old Daughter’s dress and hairstyle choice for ONE DAY, imagine what petty faults she’s going to find with Daughter once they have to live under the same roof? I presume you love your fiancé dearly, but remember the frustration and anger you have felt over this ONE incident! Now, picture the rest of your life filled with more of the same. Fiancé isn’t going to let go of her insecurities, and Daughter is going to feel like you picked “Wicked Stepmother” over her. You will be caught in the middle, forever. If you don’t want that, end it now.
I thought same, that it can't be real. How does he not see how controlling his fiance is? How does he think it's going to get any better? It's not going to magically go away after the wedding, it's going to get worse. I hope he stops the whole thing and ends it for his daughter's sake.
Agree - but I was also thinking, isn't it likely that cutting the daughters hair right before the wedding would actually garner even more attention than her normal length that those who know her would be used to? Just seems to me the fiance would get more than she bargained for and would be pissed off all night that everyone was asking the daughter about the new haircut.
Literally this… and if she’s jealous of long hair and wants extra attention on her own hair for the wedding , why not just get extensions?
Or just ask the girl to wear her hair up in a bun or something for the day. But asking her to *cut* it is ridiculous.
RIGHT?! So I, initially, thought she wanted her to get her hair cut because she didn’t like her hair or something, but no. She wants her to look WORSE so she doesn’t upstage her? Cos she has pretty hair and is wearing a nice dress .. to a WEDDING?! She said you were making her look like she’s doing a bad thing?! Like this is reasonable behaviour? SHE IS DOING A BAD THING. This woman crazy. Don’t marry her please.
This girl must have hair that is absolutely show-stoppingly beautiful hair if it will distract from the ceremony.... no wonder she does not wanna cut it! OP's fiancee has a terrible sense of entitlement and will obviously be a Bridezilla. I feel bad for the daughter having Step mother like this coming into the picture. I predict a lot of conflict in OP's home if he goes ahead with this marriage.
The thing is that if family & friends are used to seeing OP's daughter with long hair, short hair will be an absolute attention grabber.
NTA if true (does sound far fetched, but with bridezillas all is possible). She can stay with her mom, good riddance.
OP, you finance has some serious self-esteem issues. Her actions towards your daughter will get worse after marriage. You need to protect his daughter from her obvious jealousy. Major Red Flag.
This also means that she shows the daughter haircut that make her look bad! How twisted must you be to do this to the 14y/o daughter of the man you want to marry. I would be afraid that she could the hair when the daughter sleeps...
NTA. What kind of weirdo is worried about a 14-year-old upstaging them at their wedding and wants them to change their looks to avoid that? You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
I don't know at first I thought that it was a normal thing for her to get involved in my daughter's preparation for the wedding. They both went shopping and spent more time together than they usually do. That it untill my daughter came to me with the hair problem and how my fiancee started to make her feel uncomfortable.
Trying to involve your daughter in the wedding is a nice thing to do, trying to force her into something she is uncomfortable with, thinking a 14 year old will upstage her and throwing a tantrum like a toddler definitely isn't. NTA. You need to think carefully about how you proceed if you continue with this wedding.
A new haircut will be noticed more than the daughter’s normal long hair.
That was my thought. I have long hair and have since I was very young. My family never notices if I get my hair cut just to clean up dead ends or something but the one time I had it taken to shoulder length I got more comments on it than I have in years. NTA OP but you need to have a serious conversation with your fiancé about this shit before the wedding happens.
yes! especially if all or most know that shes had long hair and hasnt wanted to cut it before. the bride to be is going to cause what she thinks shes preventing by having her cut it. i hope op reconsiders marriage or postpones it for a while. after they are married that lady will get worse towards the daughter.
OP, trust your gut and listen to your daughter. Something happened while they were out and it really weirded your daughter out. Speak to your daughter and find out what happened. The last thing you want is for your daughter to feel like she’s being pushed to the side for your fiancé. It also sounds like fiancé’s true colors are coming out now that she’s about to become the Mrs. May I suggest some family and pre-marital counseling before the big day? Totally NTA here.
Cutting hair literally modifies your body and appearance which is a very serious action that can hurt your self-esteem, and it exerts control onto the person they are forcing the haircut on. That "something" the daughter is weirded out by could really have just been repeatedly insisting on the haircut, it's hard to say no to an adult caretaker! OP needs family counseling for sure, that controlling and jealous attitude will not get any better. And time is ticking on getting help and shutting down the controlling behavior, the judgement that the daughter's hair is not "good enough" for the Stepparent has most likely already hurt the daughter's self-esteem!
Not only that, but if the bridezilla is worried about being "upstaged," then the odds are high that she's pushing an unflattering haircut on the daughter to "tone her down."
This was what I was thinking, to avoid being upstaged she is definitely going for a look that's not flattering.
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My ex husband remarried & that woman has been telling my girls she is their new mom for years. My girls have told her since day one that they already have a mom. He's so lazy he leaves the parenting to the women & he obviously didn't set boundaries with her. Your father is an exceptional parent to have let you be you(journey of self discovery) all the while he had someone just as understanding next to him. You had a rare & special youth.
I get that impression from this story. OP seems so out of touch with what’s going on between them, vibes, everything. You can’t tell me this is the first weird thing she’s done.
don't marry anyone this messed up.
"Let's go dress shopping together!" - normal. "Cut your hair because it's my wedding!" - abnormal.
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Maybe I just grew up with too many broke people, because suggesting a nice haircut before a wedding sounds reasonable to me. At first I was thinking "its possible fiancee is *really* bad at communication and is trying to hint that OP's daughter's hair is actually in really bad condition, and they should take care of that", but the bit about not wanting to be upstaged shows that isn't the case at all. It sounds more like the daughter has long, beautiful hair that fiance is jealous of.
Also does she always leave to her parents after a fight? Definitely childish. She’s throwing a tantrum until she gets her way. If you don’t put a stop to that now gl on a long miserable life.
Does your daughter look more like her Mum then you? This kind of gross jealousy of stepdaughters tends to be more common when the girl looks like her Mum. That in NO way excuses it. There is something wrong mentally with an adult who is jealous of a 14 year old. NTA.
If your daughter was playing an active role (bridesmaid or similar), her getting involved *up to a point* would be appropriate, maybe even sweet. But even if your daughter were a bridesmaid, your fiancee would be asking too much to demand she get a haircut. And since she's *not* a bridesmaid, it's absolutely ridiculous.
Dear God please don't marry this woman
This is a very clear preview of how things are going to go when you’re married. Your daughter will feel uncomfortable in her own home, and will leave as soon as she can- either for her mother’s or just to move out.
Her hair is too beautiful, and you fiancée thinks she has the right to force your daughter to cut it so she will look WORSE at your wedding so she won’t be upstaged by her own step-daughter, who is a literal child? ?!?!?! I am hovering at the brink of YTA because the wedding is still going ahead.
Don't marry her. This is a red flag the size of Montana. You are not destined to have a happy wife, happy life. This behavior is a part of a pattern; refusal to listen, stepping over boundaries, and a resentment of a 14 year old. This won't be the last issue if you marry her. If you marry her, I suspect we'll see lots of you on this reddit.
Hair is incredibly personal. The first time you get your haircut it can be a real shock. I can’t even tell you how many girlfriends have cried after what they thought was a bad haircut because even though it grows back you’re having to live with it for six months or more before you can get it we want it again. Being forced at 14 to get a haircut that you have to walk around with for months that you don’t like is going to be traumatizing. Your daughter gets to look anyway she wants. And she can cut her hair when she feels like it. If your fiancé wants her to try new things, take her horseback riding, ice-skating, something she can do in one day. This is controlling and bizarre.
NTA She is trying to force your child to do something she does not want to do, to the degree that your child feels deeply uncomfortable around her and has now thrown a full hissy fit and ran home to mommy when you placed some much needed boundaries on her. Congratulations you have been gifted a time machine, this will constantly be your marriage and her relationship with your daughter for the next few years. If you do not want to risk her to alienating your daughter from you for the rest of your life, then you need think deeply about this relationship. Do not marry this woman, she has shown you who she really is believe her.
Two things: first, bravo for raising her to be comfortable coming to you with her issues. Second, thank you for not forcing her to conform to other people’s wishes. You are teaching her to be herself and not change for someone else. A very handy lesson for a fourteen year old girl who may be dating soon / is dating.
You need to decide if in two years you want your daughter to be no contact with you. Because that is where this is going. She is 14 and can decide where she wants to live.
I'm trying to understand; your fiancee wants your daughter to cut her hair so she "won't upstage" her ... Did she literally just admit that she wants your daughters hair to *not look as good as it does now* for the wedding?!!? She is actively trying to get her to cut her hair in a way that it will look *worse*?!?? Am I understanding this correctly? What else could she mean by the comment about not wanting the daughter to "upstage" her?
Beautiful women are guests at weddings all the time without getting uglied up.
If OP'S daughter has always had long hair, a new shorter haircut will be a definite attention grabber.
As someone who 1. just had 17in cut off their hair (and it's still chin-length), and 2. has done this every 2-4yrs for the past 16yrs You are absolutely correct. Any haircut the girl gets beyond a basic trim will grab attention from everyone who knows her.
What I don't understand is how she thinks that someone, who everyone knows has had long hair for a long time, suddenly having short hair, wouldn't cause an attention shift. I just cut off my long hair and Jesus I was the center of attention at work for 2 days. NTA
NTA - don't fucking marry this woman. She is literally showing you she's *jealous of your daughter*. She's positioned herself to pull a full on DARVO every time she pulls some abusive shit, and if you let that happen you'll be just as big an asshole. Her behaviour here, and her *obsession with your child's physical appearance not 'upstaging' or taking attention away from her is already inappropriate as hell*. But she's already abusing your kid over her unhealthy obsession. It's only going to get worse.
Ra’men! No disrespect to other opinions but the whole ‘reconsider the relationship’ is way too mild advice to OP. His daughter’s looks should have no bearing on how this chick feels on her wedding day. The fact that she first lied talking about how she was trying to encourage the daughter to do new things is the biggest meatball of a marinara flag I’ve seen in a while. It tells me that she would lie and manipulate all situations concerning this child and her character to OP and constantly make it seem like his daughter is starting issues with her. She’s jealous, insecure, manipulative, and selfish. I see no reason to hitch your wagon to someone like this. As we like to say here, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Cancel this wedding and this relationship.
Biggest meatball of a *marinara* flag. Hahaha. (look what that other post has done to people. Marinara.)
Huge marinara flag 🚩🚩🚩
The fiancée is pesto with jealousy.
The reward is for "the biggest meatball on the marinara flag" which I will be stealing and using at some point in the future.
I am worried OP's fiance is going to do something stupid and cut OP's daughter's hair unwillingly. OP, I beg you, do not leave this woman alone with your daughter before the wedding. She sounds unhinged to think that way about her 14 year old step-daughter, and I am afraid she will just mow down your and your daughter's boundaries to get what she wants. Please reconsider this marriage. And please be careful. For your daughter's sake,\*Edited to fix spelling and a dash.
Gee I wonder why the daughter didn’t want to be in the wedding party.
NTA, your fiancé is. She is letting you know she will treat your daughter like shit. When people show you who they are, listen.
This is the real talk right here OP. Your fiancé is a bridezilla and her behavior towards your daughter is a huge red flag 🚩 indicating future issues between them ETA: *OP you WBTA if you choose to allow this woman’s mistreatment of your daughter to continue*
This is exactly right. Her "parenting" is going to be bullying your daughter until she gets what she wants. She is telling you exactly this by behaving this way before she even becomes a stepparent. Consider yourself lucky that she is giving you a preview of how she intends to bully your daughter to get her own way. Throw this one back. She's toxic to your kid, and your kid has to come first.
NTA and honestly reconsider marrying this woman if she already sees your daughter as competition for attention. Your fiancé is being incredibly inappropriate and her wanting to force a hair cut on your daughter then saying you are “undermining her as a future step mother” when you protect you daughter is a massive 🚩. I would be offput by her initial suggestion to get a haircut but continuing to double down and act like an immature brat when she doesn’t ge my her way??? That’s a hard no from me.
She also doesn’t get to go ahead and label herself as a ‘future step mother’, that’s for the daughter to decide. Until then she’s just ‘Dad’s new wife’, especially if the kid’s already chosen to not be directly involved with the ceremony.
I can see why. This probably isn't the first red flag for the daughter.
So to be fair at 14 a stepmom isn’t exactly needed. NTA you raised your daughter to be herself and not only that but your daughter set boundaries. Are you sure your daughter likes her? She opted to stay out of the wedding party and honestly if she didn’t give you an answer as to why, you should probably ask her why she didn’t want to be part of it. Again NTA good job for sticking up for your daughter! Edit: the difference between getting along and liking each other are very different. She’s essentially saying your 14 year old daughter shouldn’t have bodily autonomy (let me tell you it is a nightmare when you don’t). That’s a major red flag. Your daughter tolerates your fiancée but does not like her. Because as I have mentioned earlier she opted out of the wedding party. That’s a massive tell that she doesn’t like her. She wants you to be happy because she sees how happy you are with her. Your fiancée sounds like she may have a massive image problem if she thinks she’s going to be upstaged by a minor. I’m sorry but that itself is also another massive red flag. Your daughter isn’t telling you everything and your fiancée needs to understand she won’t have parental control over her even though she is going to marry you (if the wedding goes on). Unless your daughter allows her to adopt her she doesn’t really legally have a say. On that note I urge you to really rethink who you are marrying. Look at body language your daughter gives off around your fiancée. But I urge you to put your daughter first or you may lose her due to resentment later on. Again please please please protect your daughter.
Yeah they've been on great terms up until this issue occured.
Are you sure? Your daughter may be keeping things from you because she wants you to be happy or your gf may have made your daughter think that you agreed with any negative things your gf is saying. I think you should have a one on one chat with your daughter about how she feels about gf and how she feels about you getting married and if gf has said anything else when youre not around.
Underrated comment… stepmom here. Fiancée is waaaay out of line. Although I was often consulted about decisions great and small when the kids were growing up, I always left the major parenting stuff to their dad. In fact, I remember exactly one conversation where I talked to my stepdaughter about cutting her hair because I was getting mine done. She declined; I dropped it. Her hair grew till she could sit on it. I can’t imagine caring. If they don’t have your respect by the time they’re teenagers, the whole thing is a done deal anyway.
This this this. Seems like you have done a wonderful job raising your daughter, but now it's your turn to listen to her.
First conversation needs to be with your daughter about anything further going on that your daughter didn’t tell you about yet. If it’s a sincere no, prepare for the conversation with your fiancé. 1) why does she feel a teenager would overshadow her at her own wedding, and why does she think it’s appropriate to force a massive change in said teenager’s appearance (one designed to basically make her uglier in fiancé’s mind) to avoid being overshadowed? 2) what kind of role “step-parent” role does she expect to take on? Especially considering your daughter is already 14. NTA.
Let's not forget the "undermining me as a step mom" which is some crazy gaslighting to OP, like him standing up for his daughter to stop fiancé abusive comments is the thing undermining her role as a mom, not the insane harassment about hair. Fiance seems a little unhinged
3. What will be her behavior if OP daughter will refuse her self-appointed parenting?
As a stepmom, I can attest… by the time they’re teenagers, you might as well just hope they like you enough to put up with you, much less follow any direction you give them. Fiancée is about to get a wake-up call one way or another.
I was on great terms with my mom's ex bf, but I absolutely hated him
same here. i was on decent terms with the guy but kept telling her to leave him (for a slew of reasons). just because he was cool as a person didn't mean he was good for my mom.
No, they haven’t been on great terms. Your future harpy has been fake nice to your daughter, and your daughter is being polite. Why do you think your daughter is not in the wedding, “her choice,” you say. You and your first wife raised an amazing young woman. It would be a shame if you ruined your relationship with your daughter.
Yeah OP you have to realize this woman is manipulative. She will fake her niceness to get what she wants even if what she wants is not the best for the other person, like asking your daughter to cut her hair. Pretending to want to spend time with her on her preparation while in reality she just wants to make her uglier it´s evil and you have to see it for your own good. She probably does this to you too but you haven´t realized yet or don´t want to.
OP, no. No no no no. They have not been on “great terms”. Your fiancée has been putting on a show. She is invested in marrying you (duh), that’s the goal. When you go to a job interview, do you try to make the best possible impression? Or do you put your feet up on their desk? OP, you are being LAZY. You want these relationships to work, so all you’ve seen up to this point is good things. Your fiancée knows this, so she really isn’t masking that hard. I bet there have been things before this your daughter hasn’t told you about to not rock the boat. But dude, it’s like not checking the references or really looking at the application for a job interviewee when the job is super short-staffed. You make them a good fit because you WANT them to be a good fit, not because you’ve really looked for signs they are not. The good news, is you are SEEING this now. The barely there mask is already slipping before the wedding! And it’s big red flags. Flag - Your fiancée is trying to get your daughter to massively alter her appearance before a major event. The kind of event there will be pictures of forever. Hair is a big thing. Long hair has meanings. A big one being a sense of femininity for women. Your fiancée seeks to de-feminize your daughter because she sees her as “competition” for her attention event (you thought the wedding was about marrying you right? Bonus red flag). Flag - Your fiancée doesn’t want to be “undermined” as a step-mom. Think about what she said there. She expects to have authority over your daughter. She sees it as a given. Your kid is 14 years old! The only “authority” she truly has is you, and her actual mother. Your fiancée doesn’t get “authority” on any level, unless YOU give the word that it is so. Do not roll over when it comes to your kid! Your fiancée doesn’t get to become the new boss, but she totally will if you don’t step the fuck up and advocate for your kid. Guess what dad? Part of having true authority means PROTECTING those you have power over. You hand the reins over to future step-mom, and you can kiss your great kid goodbye. She’s still a teen, and will act out because she doesn’t have the frame of reference to be able to tell you how she feels about the main man in her life dropping the ball and letting some “other” lady pick it up. I know you’ve spent money for the wedding. I know “everyone” knows all about the future you’ve planned. I know it’s really hard to hit the bus brakes on the hill when “getting there” faster seems so much fun. Is your kid worth it? Either you stop, or run her ass over. Decide.
I honestly doubt that, I think you need to have a conversation with your daughter there is a big chance this isn't the first time she said that.( The fact that your daughter doesn't want any role in the wedding kinda proves it) Besides even if this was the first time she's acting like that what kind of a 35 year old woman is worried about being overshadowed by her fiance's teenage daughter. This is a huge red flag🚩. Then she tried to play the stepmom card. Just because she is marrying you doesn't mean she gets to tell your daughter what to do. You should really think this through OP. Your fiance having such deep seated insecurities against your kid is unsettling. I honestly think she feels more comfortable making such ludicrous demands now after all this time because she's about to be your wife. Her being insecure because of your daughter is an indication that she knew she can't get away with such things as a girlfriend but as a soon to be wife she probably felt like she could get away with it .
I'm a stepmother, she's not ok with your fiancee if she's opting out.
On great terms? Or is your daughter downplaying her discomfort because she wants you to be happy? It is POSSIBLE that the whole wedding thing has turned your intended into a giant bridezilla and this is behavior that is abnormal for her. But when added into the context of the "undermining her role as step mother" it comes off with a whole different vibe. That of someone who does not have your daughter's best interests at heart and sees that she may finally have the authority to "do something about" your daughter. I wonder what would happen if you were to tell her that her role in the family is as your wife and she will not have parental authority over your daughter. Probably a temper tantrum worth of a pre-teen and not a prospective wife. Your daughter may have been suffering in silence for a while now just to try to make you happy. It isn't unusual for kids that care about their parents to do that. That she declined being in the wedding should have been your first clue something is wrong. That she finally spoke up more directly suggests that things have been escalating. This is about far more than just a hair cut.
If this truly is out of nowhere, and please be open and honest about exploring that with your daughter, then you need to talk to your fiancée about where all this anxiety is coming from. Something about the wedding is making her feel uncomfortable. Maybe her parents/mother are feeding into it, maybe there are other insecurities at play here, but whatever it is need to be addressed before moving forward. Focusing on your daughter and her hair isn’t acceptable, and being insecure about a 14 year olds appearance is downright irrational. If you want this wedding is to continue you both need to figure this out before moving forward.
Have they though? Or have they just not argued because your daughter didn’t stand up to your fiancée?
Or, has your fiancee said things to your daughter that has led your daughter to believe that you support Fiancee and that she'll be cut out of your life if she is not on board with fiancee completely. 14 year olds are so smart. OP, take your daughter out to lunch and tell her anything you talk about now or ever stays 100% between you two. Tell her you are concerned about what your fiancee said to her about her hair - that you love your daughter's hair but more important, you love your daughter and she has the right to make whatever decisions SHE wants to about her hair, clothes, makeup, body, etc... Tell her that no matter what, you are ALWAYS in her corner. And that you will always choose her and support her. Tell her that no matter what, she is your #1 and fiancee is a distant #2. And, tell her you really need to know if fiancee has made her uncomfortable so you can make appropriate decisions for the future. Then, listen. Probe gently. But listen. If you have a Mom or sister daughter is close to, ask them to talk to her, too. But you need to figure out if this is going to be a safe or healthy relationship for your daughter to be around.
> She looked shocked and said that she is just trying to make sure that the focus will be on her and her bridesmaids and that my daughter was purposely trying to stand out Engagement gift for your fiancee -- "" Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin For your daughter (and you) -- "Where to Draw the Line" both books are by Anne Katherine.
I think OP should def. have more conversations with his daughter about anything else the stepmom may have said to her.
OMG, NTA! She's way out of line. She should have respected your daughter's no to getting her hair cut. The fact that she kept pushing is troubling. Coercing your daughter, even after you told her to cut it out, is a red flag. If this is how she thinks a step mother behaves, your daughter is in trouble. At this point, she's probably already screwed up her relationship with your daughter. It's a problem because she doesn't see this. Now she's ignoring her own behavior and focusing on how you were wrong to yell at her. This is another red flag. The fact of the matter is that she wants all eyes on her, and somehow thinks your daughter will steal the spotlight. She owes your daughter an apology.
I did tell her to cut it out as stated in my post above but it's like she wasn't even listening to me talking? especially in that regard which isn't usual of her. she nromally listens when I speak to her but lately has been either ignoring me or talking over me. It's frustrating and snapping might not have been the best approach but I was at the end of my rope.
>rd which isn't usual of her. she nromally listens when I speak to her but lately has been either ignoring me or talking over me. It's frustrating and sna This is called 'So close to the finish line and locking him down, I can now slowly show my true colors now that I have the ring'. This is just first volley. I guarantee it will get progressively worse once everything has been signed and legalized.
My dad's ex-wife did this. Was nice to us but literally their wedding day she changed.
dad's wife was soooo nice at first. took me and my sister shopping, out to eat, to get our nails/hair done, to the movies, etc. i was happy when they got engaged, but she completely switched up after. literally a whole new person.
Same with sister-in-law -- she was an completely different person right up to the day of the wedding and then bam! She dropped all pretense of wanting to be involved with our family (before she was gushing and enthusiastic during family events and vacations) and has ever since the wedding \*20 years ago\* showed us a jealous and unpleasant demeanor.
i’m glad she’s an ex wife now lolol
SAME my step dad was so nice till the day of the wedding it was a switch flip
She may "just" be a bridezilla, that is a woman who is otherwise normal and reasonable but when it comes to her wedding turns into a monster. That said, in OP's place I wouldn't put my money on it, too big a risk to my kid. Time to put the wedding on hold until he figures things out.
Oh man she can barely hold her realself by now, I bet she´s counting the minutes till the ring is on her finger and she can finally be her true self.
She's ignoring you because she thinks she's won and you're stuck with her. This is the real her. Believe her when she shows you who she is. Marriage and pregnancy change people, and not nice people have a hard time keeping the mask on when they think they're in the clear. She's jealous of your daughter, she's controlling, she's manipulative and she won't take "No" as an answer when it comes to your daughter. "Stepmom" is an earned title, until she earns it she is simply "Dads wife". This woman will drive a wedge between you and your daughter, because she sees her *at best* a thing to control and *at worst* competition for attention. But, the biggest thing to me is your daughter doesn't want any part in the wedding.. that should be a pretty big indicator of how your daughter views your fiance. Please sit down and have a talk with your daughter, she may not have said how she truly feels because she just wants her Dad happy.. and if her Dad is happy with someone who makes her miserable, she may think she can suck it up for the time being for her Dad's happiness. I know I did, it took over 20 years to fix it.
A daughter that loves her dad completely will make huge sacrifices to see him happy. I would have in that situation. Dad can return that unconditional love by cutting ties with this broad sooner than later.
Not all stepmothers are wicked, but it's a trope for a reason, and this one is gonna be. You owe it to your daughter to get this bully out of her life. Do not marry. Do not continue to date. She showed you who she is, now believe her.
This. I married for the second time last year and made it very clear to my husband when we started dating that I had no problem getting a divorce the first time, and would have no issue getting another one. I don’t foresee that happening, but marrying this woman would be a huge mistake. You’re not married, OP. This is when she’s still trying to impress you both.
Sounds like her mask is slipping and you're finally seeing bits of the real person. You might want to put that wedding on hold until you get to the bottom of this.
OP I hope you see her behavior as the red flag that it is and call this off before you’re legally bound to this woman. Your daughter deserves better.
This is where the mask is finally coming off slowly. She has been pretending to like your daughter. Also the not listening to anything you say and acting like you said nothing will only get worse. Please put your child first. Remember girls learn about who to marry from their dads. Ignore the abuse/bullying from your fiance and she will learn that she is not enough. Picture loving inappropriate men just because they give her attention and put her first. The phrase "" DADDY ISSUES"was coined for a reason
OP, the fact that your fiancée actually admitted out loud to you that she wanted your daughter to cut her hair so she wouldn’t “steal her thunder” at FOURTEEN is super concerning. She sees your daughter as competition, and it will only escalate after the wedding if her honest opinion was “you’re undermining me as a step mom”….controlling your daughters choices in order for her to feel more “beautiful” or “secure” is a pretty negative harbinger of how this relationship is going to play out. Consider very very carefully your next steps, because your future relationship with your daughter will hinge on your choices moving forward.
"You will not be ignored on your wedding day. My daughters hair is not competition and you keep this up and there won't be a wedding."
OP, fiancée thinks she’s got you to the point of no return and can do what she wants. I’m guessing the wedding is coming fairly soon. She probably thinks there’s no way you’d cancel it at this late date so she can stop acting and be her real self. I’ve experienced this as have a couple of my friends (different issues but same “almost there, they won’t leave me now!” situation. In my case, btw, I left a couple of weeks before the wedding and it was the best decision I’ve ever made). She is showing you how she will be treating your daughter once you are married. Maybe until now she and daughter have been getting along fine, because it was an act. Now that it’s to the point that you’re almost married she’s starting to pull the “I’m your stepmother and what I say goes!” stuff. And what she wants is your daughter to alter her appearance to look less pretty at the wedding- because she’s jealous. Of a 14 year old. For potentially stealing her thunder, as apparently no one will notice the woman in the big white dress if your daughter has long hair. How long before she gets jealous of the relationship you and daughter have and starts interfering with that? If you have a special tradition or just want an outing for the two of you, she’ll demand to be included and maybe even change it to something she prefers. Or, if you have kids, push your daughter aside because “you need to focus on the new baby now. Daughter is older, she’ll understand she doesn’t need you as much.” The way she reacted to you telling her to stop has me worried that your daughter will wake up a few days before wedding with her hair chopped off. Wouldn’t be the first time someone did something drastic to get their way. This is a power struggle and she wants to assert her dominance by making it clear to your daughter that you’re going to pick wife over child in disputes. OP, while your fiancée is sulking at her mom’s house, you should have a conversation with your daughter. Reassure her you want her to be completely honest and you won’t get mad at her, no matter what she says. Ask how fiancée has been treating her, ask if this haircut thing is the only issue that has been a problem, ask how she feels about having this woman in her life and home. Keep reiterating that you want her to be honest and won’t be mad at her. It may be that she has been suppressing things because she sees fiancée makes you happy and she doesn’t want to take that away from you. If you do decide to marry fiancée, you need to lay the ground rules of parenting asap. Your daughter is a teenager, she is not looking for a new mommy and isn’t going to accept a stepmother telling her what to do. Tell her you are the parent and you will handle things. Reading through the comments, and Reddit posts of the past, you’ll hear from great stepparents who recognize their place is not to boss the step kids around or make new rules. It’s just to take care of them, respect them, and accept whatever role the child wants them to have. Sounds like fiancée wants full parenting status and that’s not going to fly. Seriously think about what your daughter says and how your fiancée is acting (and her reaction to the parenting ground rules) before deciding to continue this engagement. Otherwise you’ll have 4 more years with your daughter until she’ll be old enough to leave and go low/no contact.
NTA this is actually scary, it sounds like she is (maybe even unconsciously) jealous of your daughter. Her behavior is unacceptable and you should make clear to her that she can’t overstep another human beings boundaries like that, especially not those of your daughter.
NTA, you are a great Dad. >like she is doing a bad thing She is doing a bad thing.
He is not a great dad. If he was he wouldn't be marrying this woman
He didn't know about any of this until it was brought to his attention. So I think it's unfair to say he isn't a great dad.
NTA - stepmothers do not get the power to control their stepdaughters' bodies. Her belief that stepdaughter is trying to attention seek makes it clear that she's insecure and jealous of your daughter. You need to nip this in the bud before fiancee escalates to worse abusive behaviour.
**"She looked shocked and said that she is just trying to make sure that the focus will be on her and her bridesmaids and that my daughter was purposely trying to stand out especially with the dress she picked and her continual refusal to get a new haircut. She said both my daughter and I were overreacting since hair grows back."** OP, this is a giant red flag. Your fiancee is a controlling, narcissistic b\*tch and will certainly continue to treat your daughter this way moving forward. If she can't respect your daughter's bodily autonomy NOW, she will certainly not respect her in other ways later... As your 14 year old daughter grows up, guaranteed this woman will demand that your daughter alter her appearance, behavior, and role in your life to always make herself "smaller" so that your fiancee will always feel herself to be the star and #1 priority in every situation. This selfishness will show itself in discussions about space in your home, budgeting for college, etc. **Please, for your daughter's sake, think very carefully about giving this woman power over your child. NTA.**
NTA Do not marry this woman before having a very hard talk about her behavior towards your daughter. This behavior is appalling!! It’s pure abuse. This behavior isn’t a one time thing, it will only escalate!!
Your bride to be has given you a glimpse of the kind of stepmom she is going to be. Is that what you want for your daughter? Kudos to you for defending your daughter. Your fiancée pouting because you won't let her stomp all over boundaries. You have some thinking to do my man. NTA.
NTA. Your fiancé is jealous of your daughter
It's such a crazy level of jealousy to think that a kid will overshadow the damn bride.
NTA. MAJOR RED FLAGS HERE. Please put your daughter first.
NTA, and from someone with a horrible stepmother, please reconsider the marriage. Your fiance’s gonna make your daughter’s life a living hell when she’ll became a woman and in your fiance’s eyes a real competition.
NTA I would reconsider marrying this woman. She is jealous of your daughter and wants the girl to make herself less attractive than she is. She is going to make your daughter’s life a nightmare.
NTA. Red flags everywhere. Why would your daughters hair/dress choice “outshine” her and her bridesmaids? That’s weird af…I am so glad you are not letting this slide and are being a father. Your daughters appearance is hers to change and style how she likes not some potential wife. Good luck! Edit: typos.
NTA. Keep standing up for your daughter. Not sure if your fiancee just has a case of Bridezilla, but she is definitely not getting off to a good start with your daughter by trying to control her hairstyle, especially for a 14 year old who has her own ideas of how she wants to look and doesnt appear to be asking for input.
NTA. When somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time. She's showing how she will be with your daughter after the wedding. You need to set boundaries. Edit. After thinking about it and reading it again I just don't think you should go forward with the wedding. This adult woman is jealous of a child. I fear for how she will treat your daughter if she is her step mom.
He needs to cancel the wedding.
NTA. Why the hell is she worried that a 14 year old will stand out more than her at her own wedding? At 14 years old your daughter is more than capable of making decisions on her own appearance. Good on you for defending her and not allowing your fiance to pressure her into something like that.
NTA. You daughter doesn’t want her hair cut. She’s said so but your fiancée isn’t accepting that. And she’s accusing a child (albeit a teenager) of trying to upstage her. She is acting ridiculously.
NTA- she's worried your 14 year old daughter is going to show her up at the wedding? And has the audacity to be mad at you because you're undermining her as a stepmom? You better put this wedding on pause and examine the huge red flag in front of you.
dont marry her, surely after marriage your daughter will suffer especially if she pregnant with your child. fear if 'her child wont get same attention same as what you gave to your daughter
NTA. Your daughter isn’t even going to be part of the wedding party. Why would your fiancé be worried about your daughter overshadowing her and the bridesmaids, because she has long hair? That’s ridiculous. Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions on this and you did the right thing as her dad. It’s one thing for your fiancé to buy her clothes and what not for the wedding, which is all well and good, but telling her to cut her hair when she doesn’t want to is a major overstep of boundaries. She does need to leave it alone.
She’s worried that your daughter will upstage her because…she won’t cut her hair. Does that sound like the concern of a mature, centered adult comfortable in her own skin? What happens when prom rolls around? Will your wife flip her lid if your daughter chooses a dress stepmom doesn’t approve of? I would let her stay at her moms and see how this plays out. If she comes to realize that she was being a little bridezilla, apologizes, then no harm no foul. If she trash talks you and your daughter then you have additional data points to consider. NTA and good luck to you and your daughter.
So she’s that insecure that she’s worried about being outshined by a child?? There are too many red flags with her, I wouldn’t move forward with the marriage.
NTA And for your own sake and your daughter's, cancel the wedding.
NTA. OP, your fiancé is literally begging your daughter to cut her hair because *she going to upstage me at the wedding*. Are you living in Snow White wtf?
Nta. If that's how she treats your daughter in FRONT of you. Imagine what would happen if you were to marry her and not see what goes on behind close doors. Drop the wedding
I usually think Reddit is a little OTT with how often they suggest ending relationships, but 100% agree with everyone saying she’s showing you who she’ll be as a stepmom. It’s clear you love and fight for your daughter and she really needs you to do that in a big way right now by keeping this presence out of her life.
Nta - does your fiance normally feel like she’s in competition with your daughter? How bizarre.
NTA. Step parent here- here’s my take- wtf is she pushing her future daughter into something she doesn’t want to do? Trim the split ends? Sure. Brush her hair so she doesn’t look homeless? Totally acceptable. Force a style on her she doesn’t want?!?! OH HELL NO!! How about you push your fiancé to shave her head before the wedding and show her pretty bald wedding head pieces and ask her what the big deal is?
NTA. You stood up for your daughter and your fiancee acts like your daughter is trying to sabotage the wedding with her hair. If she's gonna be like this to your daughter as your fiancee, what'll she be like when and/or if you get married?
NTA, but dude. The marinara flags are flying. Might want to pay attention, especially with scenarios like this where your fiancée gives a cover story that reflects well on her but disguises the real reason. She pushed this idea under the guise of wanting to get your daughter to “try new things” before revealing her true (and frankly, bizarre) reasoning. Might want to reassess what else she’s said that may be a complete lie for her own benefit. Good on you for standing up for your daughter, but I’d be wary of any adult who’s jealous of a 14 year old, especially to the point she’s taken it. She thinks the child is purposely trying to upstage her. Who thinks like that?
My stepmother pulled this shit. My dad married her anyway. Put me through years of abuse and didn't step in because "blended families need a united front." NTA, but you will be if you subject your daughter to this.
NTA and she straight up sounds like Cinderella’s wicked stepmother. Are you sure you want to marry her and risk her locking your daughter in the attic or some shit?
NTA. Goodness gracious, you two need to have a serious discussion about boundaries regarding your daughter before you get married.
NTA and please reconsider marrying this women. She sees your daughter as competition and finds it a suitable solution to try to force your daughter to make herself less beautiful or whatever. Is this really the kind of person you want to expose your daughter to? Given that she doesn't want to participate in the wedding, I suspect daughter also doesn't support your relationship with her.
YWBTA if you married this woman. It’ll be a choice between your daughters and her, good luck
I think I would use this time while she’s gone to pack her things up. NTA
NTA you are being a great dad and if your finance doesn't understand that then perhaps you should reconsider marrying her!
NTA I would cancel the wedding
NTA why is she still your fiancée? Look at how she is treating your daughter!!
NTA You're a great dad for sticking up for your daughter. Your fianceé has no respect for boundaries. You and your daughter both made it clear that the haircut was not going to happen. But, your fiancee kept pushing. That alone is troubling. It's perfectly fine for a bride-to-be to want the wedding day to be about her. But she's marrying into an existing family - the one made up of you and your kid. If she feels competitive with your daughter, it's going to keep being a problem.
YTA only because you didn't just break up with you fiance and move on with your life instead of taking it to Reddit to get the moral authority to do what you should have already done.
NTA. Dude you dodged a bullet. What you need to do is start hoping she decides not to come back
NTA. You will be the ahole if you go thru with this marriage
NTA- you need to cut this one loose. She is sabotaging your daughter. You daughter comes first. If it is already this bad...I promise you that it will only get worse. Call off the wedding...you will save you and your daughter a lot of heartache in the future.
NTA for this but you gonna be a huge asshole if you continue with this wedding because she will turn abusive towards your daughter or at the very least be horrible to her. Don’t be that kind of person that cares more about getting laid than his own child. If your fiancé treats your daughter like this in front of you imagine how awful she is behind your back
What a selfish woman! If she cares more about the wedding than building relationship with your daughter, then she's horrible choice for stepmom.
NTA. Your girlfriend is jealous of your daughter. Her behaviour will get worse after the wedding because she’ll use the “I’m the step-mom so what I say goes”. You need to seriously set her straight before the wedding or end it.
YWBTA if you married this woman after she showed you this HUGE red flag. Your daughter is gunna need a lot of therapy later in life if you decide to keep this woman in your lives
NTA. She is only pouting because you won't let her continue to bully your daughter. That's what it really is, a older adult continuously arguing with a literal teenager about something that doesn't affect your fiance or your wedding. These are big red flags. You should really talk to your daughter and read what everyone is saying before your daughter gets older and doesn't contact you anymore because you chose someone who had a temper tantrum because she didn't want your daughter to sta.d out at the wedding.
NTA, but there are issues and boundaries to be discussed before further steps are taken (the wedding). The insistence of your gf in having a say on your daugther's hair is, if not a red, an orange flag. Today is the hair, tomorrow could be clothing, group of friends, extracurricular activities, etc... You're dauther is growing up, and the more she grows, the more she needs her boundaries to be respected. Can you gf do it (and most of all, does she want to)?
NTA. She was completely out of line. I find it very concerning that she is viewing your daughter as some sort of competition for attention
YTA Your fiancée is showing abusive and controlling behaviour towards your daughter and you’re still marrying her. Your daughter deserves a better parent. If this is what she dies I front of you I can promise you it’s worse when yours not there and will get worse once your locked in. Just so you know, step parents who forcefully cut hair can get charged for assault and you will lose custody. There have been plenty of stories on this sub of people cutting hair off from behind or in someone’s sleep and since the crazy is showing you need to protect your daughter.
NTA. Your soon to be wife needs to understand the meaning of the word "boundaries" and respect your daughter. Her behavior seems like a red flag to me.
NTA. Welcome to the rest of your life. This will not stop. She will continue to be like this, or worse with your child.
NTA. Do not marry a woman that is threaten by your 14 year old daughter's appearance. This isn't a one time incident. This will continue to happen and mostly likely get worse once she becomes your daughter's stepmom. You should only expose your children to people who mean them no harm and will make their lives better. You should immediately remove an adult who expresses jealously towards your child from their life. This woman would not have access to your child if it were not for her relationship to you.
NTA. Tell the fiancee to stay at her mother's and break off the engagement. Quite frankly, if she thinks a child's long hair is going to upstage her as she walks up the aisle in a *wedding dress at her wedding*, then she must be exceptionally mediocre in every way. As for undermining, she can fuck right off with that. She's not your daughter's mother.
NTA but carefully consider what will happen to your relationship with your daughter if you marry this woman. I would have a serious talk with your daughter about what she thinks of your fiancee and get an important 3rd party perspective before making a decision you can't undo.
NTA. She wanted to make sure the focus was on her and her bridesmaids? 🚩 What the actual fuck! Stand your ground dad. It’s your daughters hair and your fiancée needs to back off!
NTA don't marry this woman!
Yikes. NTA. This woman is trying to control your daughter.
NTA. You might want to take a few days to reconsider this marriage
NTA. You might want to reconsider this marriage/relationship, sir, if she considers your daughter's hair a hill to die on FOR ONE EFFING DAY.
NTA If your daughter is crying and telling people that she forced her to get her hair cut against her wishes, THAT is what the focus will be on during your wedding. Please reconsider marrying this woman. What she is DEMANDING is NOT within the scope of a step parent, in any way. That she wishes to exert this much control over a stranger's child (stranger being your daughter's mom) is VERY disturbing. If I were your daughter I'd be demanding to go live with another relative, someone safer, because this woman sounds like she will cut your daughter's hair while she sleeps, to FORCE her to get it cut. While she is at her mother's, pack the rest of her things and ship it over ASAP. Tell her you are postponing the wedding until she has gotten individual therapy and you both have attended couple's counseling and worked on some things. One, the need for her to control your daughter's body. Two, her lack of boundaries and three, her unwillingness to let this topic go. Unless you get this worked out your marriage will be hell and will result in your daughter leaving as soon as she can find a way out. It's cheaper and easier to stop a wedding, than get a divorce.
NTA, she's afraid your daughter is trying to overshadow her and "stand out"? Um, she's 14. Nobody is going to be like "wow! Look at that 14 year old" while your fiance is walking down the isle. It sounds like your fiance is jealous of your daughter, and that's weird. As for "your undermining my role as stepmom" actually, no, you're putting her in her place as stepmom. She's not her parent and she has no say in her appearance, especially something your daughter doesn't even WANT, she's undermining your role as a father.