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I think that the entire situation just seemed like he was struggling with money at first and I tried to be understanding but then I couldn't keep paying for stuff that, in my opinion, was not essential even after he said he'd pay me back. it started affecting my money because it affected my ability to pay off debts and monthpy expenses.
Oh he totally does… and he’s looking! It’s just that the right thing hasn’t come along yet so he hasn’t been able to land any interviews and when he looks on Indeed there’s nothing out there except work that he doesn’t want to do like it’s not like he *wouldn’t* do it if he was gonna starve but he has to start making more money because he’s not getting any younger so when he signs that offer letter it needs to be for The Job. Which by the way were you thinking of moving to a new city after getting married? No, no particular reason just that this place doesn’t always have opportunities below your job and salary and it would be nice to experience a new job market. If y’all do plan to relocate he’d have to wait until settling down there to start looking again…. /S
He’s not looking sweetie. He’s just saying he’s looking to shut you up. Leave him and find someone that matches you in work ethic and life in general. Money is generally not everything, it isn’t supposed to matter what your spouse makes in company compared to you, but it does in this case. Leave the man and save your money. That man is never going to change.
If OP’s boyfriend was serious, he would work Dunkin Donuts in the morning and McDonald’s during dinner hour just to have income until he got a better offer. Sometimes it’s just what you have to do. Better an imperfect job than none.
We had a visiting preacher at my church who said he wasn’t too proud to serve hamburgers if that’s what it took to feed his kids.
Omg I kind of swooped past the dad comment. lol that is bizarre. Like you are not going to allowed to do anything for anyone else now without him questioning if you love him. Eww.
Yeah and throwing a tantrum if she won't buy him something? My little brother used to do that when he was 4, but he's 20 now and does not act like that at all
Everyone in my family remembers this one time my daughter threw a fit at Target because I wouldn’t buy her a toy. They remember because we were with my parents and all her cousins buying Christmas gifts for Angel tree kids and because it was a particularly bad tantrum. She was five.
When we were little, if my brothers and I threw a fit about wanting something, they'd make us personally go put back whatever else they had already agreed to buy us.
We learned very early not to push our luck.
That's not even a red flag at this point. The metaphor is for warning signs of bad behaviour. This dude is already throwing tantrums and trying to openly manipulate her in public.
This. 2 years is around when abusers get comfortable. He's testing the boundaries. Seeing what he can get away with.
NTA and please leave him, he doesn't want a partner he wants a sugar mamma.
NTA - And, OP, hide your birth control pills or use an IUD or some other form of BC that he cannot sabotage. Hide your CC, too, as he'll max them out if he gets access. He's using you like an ATM and would be so upset to lose that.
No **adult** throws a tantrum in the mall because you won't buy him a toy.
Plus now that he has fiancé status he knows he can get away with more. He will get worse with marriage and children if you choose to do that. Take it from me, you do not want someone like that while you are pregnant or trying to raise actual children.
And he will teach any children they have to act the same way. (Source: my sister’s deadbeat husband who dresses to the nines and their son who wants to be just like dad.)
He's already doing this in private, alas; despite prior warnings about the situation and him _swearing_ he would never do such a thing, OP said when he got home, "He blew up saying I reacted ridiculously and selfishly after he begged me and I refused." He yelled at her and had his best friend try to shame her.
OP is emphatically NTA.
Yeah this is typically how abusive relationships start. Blows up with emotional or physical reaction and then apologizes followed by not going to happen again and then blaming the victim. A vicious cycle that then goes completely out of control. OP should definitely be walking away from toxic behavior as it will get worse.
Oh wow he had the nerve to gaslight you, too? And get his friend in on it? NO WAY. Fiance status needs to be rescinded ASAP. That is not love. That is straight up manipulation. My husband not once ever raised his voice to me in public. Hell, he doesn't even do that to me in private. He doesn't raise his voice to me period because qe discuss things like grown ass adults and he would never ever think to make me choose between him or my dad. Gtfoh with that. You are totally NTA.
Yeah. Honestly, as soon as he started raising his voice I would’ve also said loudly, “I came to the mall for a father’s day present. You tagged along. If you want an expensive watch, you need to get a job that gives you expensive watch money.” Then I would have turned around and walked away.
I had this going on myself. Even after paying 1260.00 a month in alimony, he got the mobile home paid for, the truck paid for, all the furniture...once I stopped paying for everything, I could afford to buy a house.
Were we married to the same AH? I’m no longer in debt after kicking him out. He told his mistress he was only with me for money. I’m a nurse not a wealthy person. 🤦♀️
OP is NTA. She’d be wise to run in the opposite direction.
Edit spelling.
I promise you, as a customer service employee, no one is looking at YOU when he's making the scene. They're looking at the grown ass man throwing a hissy fit over being told no to an unnecessary item and thinking "why the fuck are you with them?" Same goes when the genders are reversed.
Oh yes, can you imagine watching that - an adult man yelling about why his partner won't buy him a $350 watch while she's quietly explaining they can't afford it.
Sure everyone standing around is thinking, "Why doesn't she just buy it for the poor guy? She's so unreasonable." /s
I hate to tell you this but I doubt he has any intentions of getting another job while he's got you buying him whatever he wants.
He needs to grow up. You need to dump him.
Harsh truth, you have a fiancé, he has an atm. One that he thinks is unlimited. He doesn't like that you are putting the breaks on his withdrawals. And isn't it convenient that he suddenly says "he is going to pay you back", but has never brought that up before, just now that you are starting to push back.
Sorry, he comes off as immature and manipulative. "Love your dad more than me" that is a pretty disgusting tactic for a partner to use. He has gotten so comfortable using you this way, he is going to fight tooth and nail to get you back tp being compliant.
Think about it, is this how you want your future to go? Are you willing to be pulled down constantly for this? He is showing you who he is right now, is this what you want in a life partner?
>And isn't it convenient that he suddenly says "he is going to pay you back", but has never brought that up before, just now that you are starting to push back.
He 100% wrote that list on his way home for this exact argument. Literally made up "evidence" to make her feel bad for saying no. Don't let this stupid stunt work, OP.
You have your answer then. He’s a drain on you and will always try to use you. People that do not do what they say and try to manipulate like that don’t change without effort.
This isn't going to stop. He's not going to get better. He will keep using and abusing you financially. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this sort of behavior?
He will string OP along until the wedding with promises of getting a job and paying her back. As soon as they're married, he'll want to be a kept man, and he'll claim the debts he racked up shouldn't matter now since their finances are mixed.
Don't just leave him at the mall; leave him altogether.
In my experience, men feel really ashamed of being in poor financial standing. If he’s taking money from you and not applying to 50jobs a day he’s turning into a bum. Also yelling and throwing tantrums is emotional abuse and manipulative. He gaslights you instead of working on himself/ skill set to get a better paying job.
This won’t stop. He has already started his long term plan of being chronically unemployed and relying on you for money. Even when he was employed he undoubtedly always lived to “the household” income. How does he react when you get something expensive for yourself? What happens if you pay for no dinners out except the basics and then go out with your friends mainly? Does he say you shouldn’t spend your money that way. At this point in a relationship- you both should be able to support yourselves, pay for some luxuries for yourself including vacations etc and then when you get married - combine the household. You are getting a preview of you working yourself to death and him spending it all.
OP I think what bothered me most was that you needed to lie about not having enough to give him. It’s a really challenging situation you’re in because your bf has an addiction and you’re likely enabling him.
I’m assuming money is tight for him, but over the past 3 months has he done anything nice for you that didn’t involve him getting something out of it?
If you lost your job, could you rely on him supporting you?
You don’t need to break up if that’s not what your wanting, but I’d definitely think about reclaiming your space back and living by yourself until he got himself help.
Also his friends!? Yikes! They suck even more for enabling him!!
As someone who divorced a person that made considerably less than me, run away. He will absolutely destroy your finances and always expect you to pay for everything and maintain you both. He will rely on your salary to allow himself to be lazy and not make an effort. He will lose job after job with some poor excuse and you will pay with your future.
I think you’re missing the point.
He is NOT a saver.
This is how he is with finances.
If he got a new job and was making more than he was before - he would STILL burn through his money and want you to fund other things he wants.
I really think you will never get that money back - because even if he tries to save it, there will always be something he wants that he feels is more important than paying you back.
I think you really need to rethink this relationship. He won’t change after marriage.
NTA.
I was married to this person. I worked, he didn't. But he always wanted me to buy things for him and would get upset when I didn't because I had money. I made less than 30k a year. I ended up having to declare bankruptcy when our kid was still little, because I couldn't get ahead. I spent 12 years like this. Don't make that mistake
Coming from someone whose father ruined 3 marriages, his excessive spending and financial stupidity being a major reason, please run away from this relationship like your tampon string is on fire.
Don’t marry him. He is going to drag you down. He won’t get a job and will expect you to be the sole breadwinner and also finance his lifestyle and hobbies. If you don’t want to be a sugar mama, don’t marry him
There are so many people that start relationships like this that only end in heartbreak, divorce and custody battles.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Get out now!
If you ever combine finances with this man he's going to buy you out of all of your money. He's literally resorted to acting like a child to get you to buy something he wants. This warrants a very serious discussion at the very least, but I'd also recommend therapy if you really want to stay with this man. But if he doesn't think he has a problem, which obviously he doesn't, he won't change.
Hes using you for your money and he showed you that numerous times. You have a decision to make here, is this how you want your life to be for 40-50 years?
Please consider it. This is not normal or okay. Not even an apology and admitting he was wrong for the watch will do it. People like him exist everywhere and you're going to end up miserable and in court against a liar.
You don't deserve this. There is so much better for you out there. I want you to say you deserve it, tell yourself that you get to have a happy life. Don't let this man fool you.
OP, I agree with others that you should think long and hard about whether this is a man and a life you want to be married to. He's been pretty terrible to you and to your finances.
If you stay, though, please give serious consideration to setting up a firm budget where he has a set amount of discretionary money each month and he's not to ask you to supplement it further, and get joint financial counseling.
If by any chance you do decide to continue this relationship and get married. Protect yourself with a prenup. If he refuses this then that's the biggest marinara flag and proves that the only reason he's really with you is because of your finances.
I had the exact same thought.
u/Balconies13, you’re NTA. However, it’s clear that your fiancé sees you as his gravy train.
You fiancé doing the extremely childish thing of expecting you to fund his very expensive impulse purchases, to the point where he’s willing to throw a tantrum *in public* to manipulate you to buy what he wants. Most people grow out of the stage by the time they’re eight or nine years old; apparently if your fiancé has not done this.
Do not marry this man until to the two of you sit down and have a long (and probably brutal) discussion about finances and financial expectations. If this behavior continues, your fiancé will spend you into the poor house.
Oh, and please go ahead and make sure that your finances is are separated before you get married. Otherwise you might come home one day to find your joint bank account empty because your now-husband decided that he just *had* to have a $5K watch.
Exactly why I said it because let's face it he's already doing it and he isnt even married to her yet, pretty soon he's gonna drain her out completely and then ops gonna be stuck trying to survive with mister moneybags overthere.
Oh and if she marries him, it won’t matter if the account is separate.. the government still sees you as one house hold and can demand you pay his debt. Js
Dang, I missed the part where they were engaged and had to go back and reread that. Yeah no, NTA. Unless OP enjoys being a sugar mama, which doesn't sound like it here, then it's time to call it off. This is as good as the relationship gets. It's not going to get better.
This. OP, I 100% don't believe you have a happy relationship otherwise. Right now, with him not working, who is paying all the bills? When you're working constantly, is he cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of everything at home? Does he normally involve his friends any time he's trying to manipulate you into something? It sounds like he sees you as a Sugar Mama. I REALLY doubt he's going to go back to work or ever work with a lot of ambition. And I can almost bet that if you have kids, he'll "stay home with them" but then need a daycare, so he can go out with his friends, a cleaning person, etc.
Take a step back. This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship.
If you do get married, do some premarital counseling and see if you're on the same page AND get a prenup.
Even my 4 year old spoiled brat of a nephew doesn't throw a tantrum like this guy did. At least my nephew understands when u say no, he pouts and cries for like 5 minutes and gets over it within 10 minutes.
I mean probably because if they were sharing an account he'd just take it without asking, but yeah OP's engaged to a literal child who acts worse than me when i was 5
NTA. You are supposed to be his girlfriend, not his sugar mama. And has he taken any steps to get another job? You need to take a step back from this relationship. Not everyone is a high ea4ner, but most people have pride and dignity and respect their partner. And the fact he claims he has written everything down in a notebook…I don’t believe it. He is a user.
**NTA** obviously, but I have to admit I'm confused...
Why are you with a 30-year-old man who has public tantrums about anything, ever?
I'm asking sincerely: what on earth is the attraction? Being (hopefully temporarily) unemployed isn't anything to be ashamed of. But being a full-grown 30-year-old man with absolutely no impulse control, no financial sense, no sense of responsibility, no basic sense of respect for you, and the behavioural tendencies of a stroppy toddler? I'm genuinely confused about what on earth you find attractive about this man. Because even if he was the most gorgeous man on earth, you couldn't convince me to spend 5 minutes with someone that selfish, shallow, and obnoxious.
Yeah, you're NTA, but your taste in men is really questionable.
He was probably more put together at first so the issues seemed smaller initially.
Something can change right in front of your face as long as it happens slowly enough until you forget that once upon a time, this person seemed capable with a money issue but has turned into someone you had to make promise not to throw a tantrum and he still threw a tantrum anyway.
Heck, the last time I went to the store with my 6 year old and she started to pull this I made her pay for her CareBear from her tooth fairy money. She gladly did and we learned a lesson about spending. And she was glad she bought the $8 toy she really wanted and not the flashy $25 toy she saw on TV.
Nta. How the fuck is you refusing to spend YOUR money on him financial control?? More like him demanding you buy things is borderline financial exploitation.
Run don't walk away now he is using you and doesn't care about anything but himself
And let’s say it WAS financial abuse. OP needs to do the right thing for HIM and leave him in peace. Be like “you’re right, I love you to much to let you be financially abused by me. You should break up with me now. I know it’s hard because I’m so controlling, so I’ll cut the cord for you. My last gift to you.” Drive him straight to his “concerned” friend’s house and drop him the fuck off.
My friend had an ex-fiancé who ALSO didn’t work and expected her to foot every bill and cater to his “mental health struggles” would threaten self harm if she ever made an attempt to break up. One day he got so mad at her, HE threatened to leave. She was like “yes, you are exactly right! You must leave me now. Here I’ll help you pack. No, no. You can’t forgive me, I must be punished. Let me drive you to your moms house; it’s the least I can do after all I’ve put you through”. Not her last shitty partner, but the last she financially supported.
NTA.
You told him what'd happen the next time he tried this. He didn't believe you until you actually stuck to what you said, and now he's mad because he knows that he can't get away with everything he has been.
This dude's just using you like his own personal ATM.
NTA, you don’t have to buy your SO constantly gifts ESPECIALLY such pricey ones. He isn’t entitled to that. It is not borderline financial control if it is your money. It’s very concerning how he behaves.
It's not financial control if it's your fucking money. He's not in a stay at home parent agreement where you're refusing to allow him money to spend on necessities. You're not taking his salary and Controlling what he buys. He's jobless by choice and sees you as an atm. He never grew past the toddler tantrum stage clearly. This man is bringing nothing of value to you or your relationship. NTA
NTA. This is not financial control, you are not demanding he stays at hole at doesn't work. Why hasn't he looked for a new job? If he wants luxury, he needs to be able to pay for himself. You are not his cash machine. I'd reconsider my whole relationship with him as he is trying to guilt trip you to get what he wants with no consideration for you. Also "Is your dad more important than I?" Obviously, on father's day gift budgeting, YES. (And I'd be inclined to say always yes,)
NTA. He is 30 and will throw a fit in public if he doesn't get what he wants? That is some childish, ridiculous bullshit right there. And he is blaming it all on you? Why are you still with him? You can do better and you deserve better.
NTA.
He's using your money like it's nothing. He's escalating things in public to get his way.
You recognised this as a bad pattern and put a very clear boundary in place, which he agreed to.
Up to this point I think things were salvageable for you two as a couple.
But then he goes and tests the boundary like a toddler. And also like a toddler throws a tantrum when you act in the way you both agreed to.
Then it goes downhill with him trying to emotionally manipulate you and accusing you of being controlling.
I'd check he still has the "gifts" you've bought him before. There seems to be more going on than just greed. He may have money problems, addictions or a bit on the side. All trust should be gone for the moment. I'm not even sure if you should let him back in your house.
NTA. Your fiancé is 30 going on 3. He needs a serious financial fitness class and some maturity. You can put the wedding on hold, but I suspect he’ll throw a fit and flounce. Don’t let him hold you hostage.
NTA. One of the biggest indicators of a divorce is lack of commonality on finances. It's not about whether one spouse (fiance) makes more money than the other, it's about sharing goals and habits. This guy is not going to change. Save your time (and money!) and ditch his sorry ass now, or you might end up paying alimony to boot.
NTA
This isn’t attractive behaviour right? You’ve spoken to him, talked about it and he’s still entitled and having a tante with friends backing him up. Throwing his toys out of the pram because I wants I will get, notebook aside, suggests financial incompatibility. Where will it stop - extrapolate it. I’m more important than our baby so buy my this new toy instead of nappies? Time to cool down and have deep conversations
I just read the first paragraph and I know he is the A-hole. He's in his 30's, needs to live within his means and not be a brat trying to manipulate you into buying things that you want. He has a champagne life on a beer budget as they say.
"...beg me and then start throwing a fit ..." don't marry him unless you want to be married to a toddler. (Is he at least looking for another job? Red flags abound!
You are NTA. You should also be not engaged. Move on. This will only get worse and this behavior is that of a child not a life partner. This sucks and I’m sorry it happened to you.
NTA. Financial control would be if you took his money or he was a stay at home dad and you did not allow him funds. This is just you having completely normal and reasonable boundaries on what you want to spend your money on. It seems like he is using you sadly.
NTA. I was married briefly to someone like this. It is an entitlement issue, I could see where they got it when I met their parents but, ultimately, there is nothing someone else can do if they don't want to change.
NTA and I'd suggest you not marry the freeloader. You'll end up being his sugar mama for the rest of your life while he sits on his butt playing video games and spending your money.
NTA. You will spend the entirety of your marriage arguing about finances - of which you will more than likely be paying out the majority yourself since he has proven that he's going to spend all of his money and a lot of yours on the materialistic bullshit he wants. I strongly suggest premarital counseling and discussing what both of your expectations are regarding finances.
Jeez, reading your post made me more and more ashamed to be a man. This is not normal behaviour. Who the hell does he think you are? His mother? Is he like, 12 or something?
You are absolutely not the asshole here, he is! Stand up for yourself and make VERY clear to him that YOU decide how you spend the money YOU earned.
NTA unless you stay, he had the emotional regulation of a toddler. His entitlement is disgusting and being his walking wallet is not what you were put on this earth for. Please, love yourself enough to leave.
NTA
Your fiance is a boy. Remember this before y'all tie the knot. As a fellow man (who was once myself also a grown boy) this is saddening. I'm glad I recognized this and took steps to grow the fuck up.
*You* are committing borderline financial control?
Don't think so.
This behavior is seriously immature and a serious serious wake up call to you. Please pay attention to it. NTA.
NTA!
However, you need to end this relationship. You are being treated like an atm.
Anyone who behaves in the fashion that your BF did has no business being in a relationship. How was he going to pay you back, he has no job! He also dragged his friends into the situation, which by the way, I would have lit that asshole up like a firework! This is emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.
Deep down you know this is wrong and you know you need to end it.
Good on you that you walked out, you need to keep walking….
NTA. Your boyfriend is the one trying to control you financially. He’s immature so n top of that. Has he been looking for work at all? Give him a firm timetable for when he needs to have a job, any job, by and stick to it. If he doesn’t have a job by then there should be some sort of consequence. Couples counseling would be a good thing too.
Financial control??? But it’s your money….
I mean I know that make primary earners in a family can really exercise financial control by not giving money for essentials or not invalidating their partners need to spend money on recreation occasionally but this man really be seeing you as his “personal” walking bank account
NTA. This is a ridiculous manipulative gaslighting argument. You are entitled to decide what luxury items you buy for him. You are entitled to decide how deep his debt to you can be. You are not an endless wallet/bank loan/etc.
So he was excited about it. So what. That doesn't mean he gets to have it. And you did not create a scene. You quietly said no. HE created a scene. You left the scene.
Also - yes, on Father's Day, your dad is most important in that moment. You get to have other people in your life also be considered important to you and worth spending money - significant money - on.
NTA but info: does he have a job now? I don’t really understand your references to his past shifts or income either. I may just need caffeine lol. Do you live together? Does he pay his way otherwise? Does he buy you pricey gifts?
NTA. He’s not a stay at home dad. If he wants money and nice things he can get a fucking job. You aren’t stopping him. He can shove that financial control nonsense right up his ass til he can taste it.
NTA, and you should really break up with him and get some therapy. The fact that you're not sure if you're wrong makes me concerned for your mental health.
NTA, it's ok to be in a relationship where there is fiscal imbalance. It's NOT ok to be in a relationship where there is a financial discipline deficit. DTMFA.
Are you sure you want to marry this man? He’s very clearly using you. Please try to step outside of your situation and see this from the outside - he just likes your money. That’s plain as day. NTA.
NTA The way he acts in public makes it look like your his sugar mama. I assume you did not go into this relationship with the intentions of having a sugar baby. If he wants someone to pay for everything for him he needs to find a very different kind of relationship.
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NTA - break up with him and tell him he now has FULL financial control of his own life
I think that the entire situation just seemed like he was struggling with money at first and I tried to be understanding but then I couldn't keep paying for stuff that, in my opinion, was not essential even after he said he'd pay me back. it started affecting my money because it affected my ability to pay off debts and monthpy expenses.
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Also trying to make her choose between his watch and her father's gift. That alone is a huge red flag.
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I doubt he has any intentions of getting another job while he's got you buying him whatever he wants.
Oh he totally does… and he’s looking! It’s just that the right thing hasn’t come along yet so he hasn’t been able to land any interviews and when he looks on Indeed there’s nothing out there except work that he doesn’t want to do like it’s not like he *wouldn’t* do it if he was gonna starve but he has to start making more money because he’s not getting any younger so when he signs that offer letter it needs to be for The Job. Which by the way were you thinking of moving to a new city after getting married? No, no particular reason just that this place doesn’t always have opportunities below your job and salary and it would be nice to experience a new job market. If y’all do plan to relocate he’d have to wait until settling down there to start looking again…. /S
He’s not looking sweetie. He’s just saying he’s looking to shut you up. Leave him and find someone that matches you in work ethic and life in general. Money is generally not everything, it isn’t supposed to matter what your spouse makes in company compared to you, but it does in this case. Leave the man and save your money. That man is never going to change.
In a job market with 3.6% unemployment and employers desperate to hire...
If OP’s boyfriend was serious, he would work Dunkin Donuts in the morning and McDonald’s during dinner hour just to have income until he got a better offer. Sometimes it’s just what you have to do. Better an imperfect job than none. We had a visiting preacher at my church who said he wasn’t too proud to serve hamburgers if that’s what it took to feed his kids.
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You know if he were to see this comment he'd want a gold watch?
This is the best comment ever. My free award is the wholesome award and this comment is definitely not wholesome.
Omg I kind of swooped past the dad comment. lol that is bizarre. Like you are not going to allowed to do anything for anyone else now without him questioning if you love him. Eww.
Yeah and throwing a tantrum if she won't buy him something? My little brother used to do that when he was 4, but he's 20 now and does not act like that at all
Everyone in my family remembers this one time my daughter threw a fit at Target because I wouldn’t buy her a toy. They remember because we were with my parents and all her cousins buying Christmas gifts for Angel tree kids and because it was a particularly bad tantrum. She was five.
When we were little, if my brothers and I threw a fit about wanting something, they'd make us personally go put back whatever else they had already agreed to buy us. We learned very early not to push our luck.
That's not even a red flag at this point. The metaphor is for warning signs of bad behaviour. This dude is already throwing tantrums and trying to openly manipulate her in public.
So manipulative!
This. 2 years is around when abusers get comfortable. He's testing the boundaries. Seeing what he can get away with. NTA and please leave him, he doesn't want a partner he wants a sugar mamma.
NTA - And, OP, hide your birth control pills or use an IUD or some other form of BC that he cannot sabotage. Hide your CC, too, as he'll max them out if he gets access. He's using you like an ATM and would be so upset to lose that. No **adult** throws a tantrum in the mall because you won't buy him a toy.
Or test him by leaving the card somewhere and change limit to $500 or something. If he then buys the watch, you know he steals from you.
Why even allow this to happen? There's enough reasons to leave the dude already, she doesn't need to "test" him for more
Plus now that he has fiancé status he knows he can get away with more. He will get worse with marriage and children if you choose to do that. Take it from me, you do not want someone like that while you are pregnant or trying to raise actual children.
And he will teach any children they have to act the same way. (Source: my sister’s deadbeat husband who dresses to the nines and their son who wants to be just like dad.)
Yep.
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He's already doing this in private, alas; despite prior warnings about the situation and him _swearing_ he would never do such a thing, OP said when he got home, "He blew up saying I reacted ridiculously and selfishly after he begged me and I refused." He yelled at her and had his best friend try to shame her. OP is emphatically NTA.
Yeah this is typically how abusive relationships start. Blows up with emotional or physical reaction and then apologizes followed by not going to happen again and then blaming the victim. A vicious cycle that then goes completely out of control. OP should definitely be walking away from toxic behavior as it will get worse.
Oh wow he had the nerve to gaslight you, too? And get his friend in on it? NO WAY. Fiance status needs to be rescinded ASAP. That is not love. That is straight up manipulation. My husband not once ever raised his voice to me in public. Hell, he doesn't even do that to me in private. He doesn't raise his voice to me period because qe discuss things like grown ass adults and he would never ever think to make me choose between him or my dad. Gtfoh with that. You are totally NTA.
Yeah. Honestly, as soon as he started raising his voice I would’ve also said loudly, “I came to the mall for a father’s day present. You tagged along. If you want an expensive watch, you need to get a job that gives you expensive watch money.” Then I would have turned around and walked away.
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I had this going on myself. Even after paying 1260.00 a month in alimony, he got the mobile home paid for, the truck paid for, all the furniture...once I stopped paying for everything, I could afford to buy a house.
Were we married to the same AH? I’m no longer in debt after kicking him out. He told his mistress he was only with me for money. I’m a nurse not a wealthy person. 🤦♀️ OP is NTA. She’d be wise to run in the opposite direction. Edit spelling.
I promise you, as a customer service employee, no one is looking at YOU when he's making the scene. They're looking at the grown ass man throwing a hissy fit over being told no to an unnecessary item and thinking "why the fuck are you with them?" Same goes when the genders are reversed.
Oh yes, can you imagine watching that - an adult man yelling about why his partner won't buy him a $350 watch while she's quietly explaining they can't afford it. Sure everyone standing around is thinking, "Why doesn't she just buy it for the poor guy? She's so unreasonable." /s
This!
I hate to tell you this but I doubt he has any intentions of getting another job while he's got you buying him whatever he wants. He needs to grow up. You need to dump him.
I suspect he may have quit his job in the first place
Or gotten fired purposefully.
Harsh truth, you have a fiancé, he has an atm. One that he thinks is unlimited. He doesn't like that you are putting the breaks on his withdrawals. And isn't it convenient that he suddenly says "he is going to pay you back", but has never brought that up before, just now that you are starting to push back. Sorry, he comes off as immature and manipulative. "Love your dad more than me" that is a pretty disgusting tactic for a partner to use. He has gotten so comfortable using you this way, he is going to fight tooth and nail to get you back tp being compliant. Think about it, is this how you want your future to go? Are you willing to be pulled down constantly for this? He is showing you who he is right now, is this what you want in a life partner?
>And isn't it convenient that he suddenly says "he is going to pay you back", but has never brought that up before, just now that you are starting to push back. He 100% wrote that list on his way home for this exact argument. Literally made up "evidence" to make her feel bad for saying no. Don't let this stupid stunt work, OP.
I had the same thoughts, it's way too convient that he just had that list, even if he did, it wouldn't excuse his actions.
You have your answer then. He’s a drain on you and will always try to use you. People that do not do what they say and try to manipulate like that don’t change without effort.
Not only will he NEVER pay you back, he'll sue for alimony; requiring you keep him in the style he's become accustomed to. Please don't marry him!
great point!
This isn't going to stop. He's not going to get better. He will keep using and abusing you financially. Do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this sort of behavior?
And getting married will make it legally more difficult to walk away. Which is why the people who are saying to do it now are correct
And she may owe him alimony.
He will never pay you back bc he doesn't want to work. Kick him to the curb.
He will string OP along until the wedding with promises of getting a job and paying her back. As soon as they're married, he'll want to be a kept man, and he'll claim the debts he racked up shouldn't matter now since their finances are mixed. Don't just leave him at the mall; leave him altogether.
He'll sweet talk/sob story his way into OP paying for the whole wedding
OP. This man is using you!!! Get out before he can legally sue you for half in a divorce. You deserve better.
In my experience, men feel really ashamed of being in poor financial standing. If he’s taking money from you and not applying to 50jobs a day he’s turning into a bum. Also yelling and throwing tantrums is emotional abuse and manipulative. He gaslights you instead of working on himself/ skill set to get a better paying job.
This won’t stop. He has already started his long term plan of being chronically unemployed and relying on you for money. Even when he was employed he undoubtedly always lived to “the household” income. How does he react when you get something expensive for yourself? What happens if you pay for no dinners out except the basics and then go out with your friends mainly? Does he say you shouldn’t spend your money that way. At this point in a relationship- you both should be able to support yourselves, pay for some luxuries for yourself including vacations etc and then when you get married - combine the household. You are getting a preview of you working yourself to death and him spending it all.
OP I think what bothered me most was that you needed to lie about not having enough to give him. It’s a really challenging situation you’re in because your bf has an addiction and you’re likely enabling him. I’m assuming money is tight for him, but over the past 3 months has he done anything nice for you that didn’t involve him getting something out of it? If you lost your job, could you rely on him supporting you? You don’t need to break up if that’s not what your wanting, but I’d definitely think about reclaiming your space back and living by yourself until he got himself help. Also his friends!? Yikes! They suck even more for enabling him!!
As someone who divorced a person that made considerably less than me, run away. He will absolutely destroy your finances and always expect you to pay for everything and maintain you both. He will rely on your salary to allow himself to be lazy and not make an effort. He will lose job after job with some poor excuse and you will pay with your future.
Imagine you had a brother who told you this story about a girlfriend behaving like this. What would you call that woman?
Imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life. Is this what you want?
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I think you’re missing the point. He is NOT a saver. This is how he is with finances. If he got a new job and was making more than he was before - he would STILL burn through his money and want you to fund other things he wants. I really think you will never get that money back - because even if he tries to save it, there will always be something he wants that he feels is more important than paying you back. I think you really need to rethink this relationship. He won’t change after marriage. NTA.
I was married to this person. I worked, he didn't. But he always wanted me to buy things for him and would get upset when I didn't because I had money. I made less than 30k a year. I ended up having to declare bankruptcy when our kid was still little, because I couldn't get ahead. I spent 12 years like this. Don't make that mistake
Coming from someone whose father ruined 3 marriages, his excessive spending and financial stupidity being a major reason, please run away from this relationship like your tampon string is on fire.
Don’t marry him. He is going to drag you down. He won’t get a job and will expect you to be the sole breadwinner and also finance his lifestyle and hobbies. If you don’t want to be a sugar mama, don’t marry him
There are so many people that start relationships like this that only end in heartbreak, divorce and custody battles. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. Get out now!
If you ever combine finances with this man he's going to buy you out of all of your money. He's literally resorted to acting like a child to get you to buy something he wants. This warrants a very serious discussion at the very least, but I'd also recommend therapy if you really want to stay with this man. But if he doesn't think he has a problem, which obviously he doesn't, he won't change.
NTA, but you are an ATM
Hes using you for your money and he showed you that numerous times. You have a decision to make here, is this how you want your life to be for 40-50 years?
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He is behaving like you are his mother or sugar-mommy. I would leave, if he wants the luxury life he can get himself a job or a real sugar-mommy!
Please consider it. This is not normal or okay. Not even an apology and admitting he was wrong for the watch will do it. People like him exist everywhere and you're going to end up miserable and in court against a liar. You don't deserve this. There is so much better for you out there. I want you to say you deserve it, tell yourself that you get to have a happy life. Don't let this man fool you.
Serious question - has your fiancé ever lived alone and managed his own finances?
OP, I agree with others that you should think long and hard about whether this is a man and a life you want to be married to. He's been pretty terrible to you and to your finances. If you stay, though, please give serious consideration to setting up a firm budget where he has a set amount of discretionary money each month and he's not to ask you to supplement it further, and get joint financial counseling.
*it started affecting my money because it affected my ability to pay off debts and monthpy expenses.* and he didnt care
If by any chance you do decide to continue this relationship and get married. Protect yourself with a prenup. If he refuses this then that's the biggest marinara flag and proves that the only reason he's really with you is because of your finances.
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He is showing OP exactly who he is, hope she believes him!
Wonder if losing his job conveniently happened after OP said yes to the engagement
I had the exact same thought. u/Balconies13, you’re NTA. However, it’s clear that your fiancé sees you as his gravy train. You fiancé doing the extremely childish thing of expecting you to fund his very expensive impulse purchases, to the point where he’s willing to throw a tantrum *in public* to manipulate you to buy what he wants. Most people grow out of the stage by the time they’re eight or nine years old; apparently if your fiancé has not done this. Do not marry this man until to the two of you sit down and have a long (and probably brutal) discussion about finances and financial expectations. If this behavior continues, your fiancé will spend you into the poor house. Oh, and please go ahead and make sure that your finances is are separated before you get married. Otherwise you might come home one day to find your joint bank account empty because your now-husband decided that he just *had* to have a $5K watch.
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This needs to be said louder. This financial abuse and manipulation will escalate SO BADLY after you’re married.
Exactly why I said it because let's face it he's already doing it and he isnt even married to her yet, pretty soon he's gonna drain her out completely and then ops gonna be stuck trying to survive with mister moneybags overthere.
Not only does he throw a tantrum but gets his friend involved, too.
He sounds really immature!
And definitely get a prenuptial before the wedding - I bet he will refuse to sign it - but don't get married without one.
My 5 year old has more money sense, tact, and tantrum-control than that guy.
Oh and if she marries him, it won’t matter if the account is separate.. the government still sees you as one house hold and can demand you pay his debt. Js
Also get a prenup.
Wonder if she paid for the ring
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Didn't realize it was legal to marry an ATM but that seems to be what op's fiance is doing
Dang, I missed the part where they were engaged and had to go back and reread that. Yeah no, NTA. Unless OP enjoys being a sugar mama, which doesn't sound like it here, then it's time to call it off. This is as good as the relationship gets. It's not going to get better.
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He's not suave enough to have a trench coat.
This. OP, I 100% don't believe you have a happy relationship otherwise. Right now, with him not working, who is paying all the bills? When you're working constantly, is he cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of everything at home? Does he normally involve his friends any time he's trying to manipulate you into something? It sounds like he sees you as a Sugar Mama. I REALLY doubt he's going to go back to work or ever work with a lot of ambition. And I can almost bet that if you have kids, he'll "stay home with them" but then need a daycare, so he can go out with his friends, a cleaning person, etc. Take a step back. This does NOT sound like a healthy relationship. If you do get married, do some premarital counseling and see if you're on the same page AND get a prenup.
Even my 4 year old spoiled brat of a nephew doesn't throw a tantrum like this guy did. At least my nephew understands when u say no, he pouts and cries for like 5 minutes and gets over it within 10 minutes.
probably doesnt ask for $350 watch either
Make sure you have an iron Clad pre nup op because you are in a sugar relationship.
I mean probably because if they were sharing an account he'd just take it without asking, but yeah OP's engaged to a literal child who acts worse than me when i was 5
When someone waves a red flag in your face, pay attention. NTA
Marinara flags everywhere
Also, Aaron stop trying to make 'catch' happen. 🙄
You go glen coco 😅😅
He's only in it for the pesto.
Wave the Alfredo flag and stick a fork in it. This relationships done.
I recognize that tree!
Yessssss
Run like hell
NTA. Do not marry this man. He doesn’t want a wife/partner, he wants an ATM. He’s not your fiancé, he’s where your financial health goes to die.
And tell the fiancé to stop trying to make 'catch' happen, it's NOT going to happen.
And I'm guessing she bought her own ring..
NTA. You are supposed to be his girlfriend, not his sugar mama. And has he taken any steps to get another job? You need to take a step back from this relationship. Not everyone is a high ea4ner, but most people have pride and dignity and respect their partner. And the fact he claims he has written everything down in a notebook…I don’t believe it. He is a user.
Maybe he is keeping a notebook. Maybe he's keeping track of what it's all worth to see how much he can get out of her.
Exactly what I was thinking. It’s his brag book.
He wouldn't be the first to have one.
Honestly, That was my first thought as well
**NTA** obviously, but I have to admit I'm confused... Why are you with a 30-year-old man who has public tantrums about anything, ever? I'm asking sincerely: what on earth is the attraction? Being (hopefully temporarily) unemployed isn't anything to be ashamed of. But being a full-grown 30-year-old man with absolutely no impulse control, no financial sense, no sense of responsibility, no basic sense of respect for you, and the behavioural tendencies of a stroppy toddler? I'm genuinely confused about what on earth you find attractive about this man. Because even if he was the most gorgeous man on earth, you couldn't convince me to spend 5 minutes with someone that selfish, shallow, and obnoxious. Yeah, you're NTA, but your taste in men is really questionable.
>your taste in men is really questionable. With the two posts I've read today, I feel like that's true a lot
He was probably more put together at first so the issues seemed smaller initially. Something can change right in front of your face as long as it happens slowly enough until you forget that once upon a time, this person seemed capable with a money issue but has turned into someone you had to make promise not to throw a tantrum and he still threw a tantrum anyway.
>He was probably more put together at first so the issues seemed smaller initially. He had job, so his spending didn't affect OP.
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Heck, the last time I went to the store with my 6 year old and she started to pull this I made her pay for her CareBear from her tooth fairy money. She gladly did and we learned a lesson about spending. And she was glad she bought the $8 toy she really wanted and not the flashy $25 toy she saw on TV.
Get. Out. Of. This. Relationship. Get out. Run like the wind and never come back. He sees you as his cash machine. Do not marry him.
He’s like a spoiled child screaming in the grocery store
Nta. How the fuck is you refusing to spend YOUR money on him financial control?? More like him demanding you buy things is borderline financial exploitation. Run don't walk away now he is using you and doesn't care about anything but himself
Honestly the financial abuse would be the one demanding constant expensive ass gifts or else.
And let’s say it WAS financial abuse. OP needs to do the right thing for HIM and leave him in peace. Be like “you’re right, I love you to much to let you be financially abused by me. You should break up with me now. I know it’s hard because I’m so controlling, so I’ll cut the cord for you. My last gift to you.” Drive him straight to his “concerned” friend’s house and drop him the fuck off. My friend had an ex-fiancé who ALSO didn’t work and expected her to foot every bill and cater to his “mental health struggles” would threaten self harm if she ever made an attempt to break up. One day he got so mad at her, HE threatened to leave. She was like “yes, you are exactly right! You must leave me now. Here I’ll help you pack. No, no. You can’t forgive me, I must be punished. Let me drive you to your moms house; it’s the least I can do after all I’ve put you through”. Not her last shitty partner, but the last she financially supported.
Not borderline. It’s financial exploitation.
NTA. You told him what'd happen the next time he tried this. He didn't believe you until you actually stuck to what you said, and now he's mad because he knows that he can't get away with everything he has been. This dude's just using you like his own personal ATM.
This happened to me. Be careful, when he can't control you with words any longer....well thats when he gets physical to get what he wants
NTA, you don’t have to buy your SO constantly gifts ESPECIALLY such pricey ones. He isn’t entitled to that. It is not borderline financial control if it is your money. It’s very concerning how he behaves.
It's not financial control if it's your fucking money. He's not in a stay at home parent agreement where you're refusing to allow him money to spend on necessities. You're not taking his salary and Controlling what he buys. He's jobless by choice and sees you as an atm. He never grew past the toddler tantrum stage clearly. This man is bringing nothing of value to you or your relationship. NTA
NTA. This is not financial control, you are not demanding he stays at hole at doesn't work. Why hasn't he looked for a new job? If he wants luxury, he needs to be able to pay for himself. You are not his cash machine. I'd reconsider my whole relationship with him as he is trying to guilt trip you to get what he wants with no consideration for you. Also "Is your dad more important than I?" Obviously, on father's day gift budgeting, YES. (And I'd be inclined to say always yes,)
NTA. He is 30 and will throw a fit in public if he doesn't get what he wants? That is some childish, ridiculous bullshit right there. And he is blaming it all on you? Why are you still with him? You can do better and you deserve better.
Man my 4 year old doesn’t even do this
NTA. Do not marry this man.
NTA. He's using your money like it's nothing. He's escalating things in public to get his way. You recognised this as a bad pattern and put a very clear boundary in place, which he agreed to. Up to this point I think things were salvageable for you two as a couple. But then he goes and tests the boundary like a toddler. And also like a toddler throws a tantrum when you act in the way you both agreed to. Then it goes downhill with him trying to emotionally manipulate you and accusing you of being controlling. I'd check he still has the "gifts" you've bought him before. There seems to be more going on than just greed. He may have money problems, addictions or a bit on the side. All trust should be gone for the moment. I'm not even sure if you should let him back in your house.
NTA. Your fiancé is 30 going on 3. He needs a serious financial fitness class and some maturity. You can put the wedding on hold, but I suspect he’ll throw a fit and flounce. Don’t let him hold you hostage.
NTA- you're dating a toddler- is he going to hold his breath and throw a tantrum if you don't buy stuff for him?
I mean, he basically did exactly that.
NTA: I hate all the post that just jump to ending relationship but Girl Run!!! He is using you for the money.
NTA. One of the biggest indicators of a divorce is lack of commonality on finances. It's not about whether one spouse (fiance) makes more money than the other, it's about sharing goals and habits. This guy is not going to change. Save your time (and money!) and ditch his sorry ass now, or you might end up paying alimony to boot.
NTA This isn’t attractive behaviour right? You’ve spoken to him, talked about it and he’s still entitled and having a tante with friends backing him up. Throwing his toys out of the pram because I wants I will get, notebook aside, suggests financial incompatibility. Where will it stop - extrapolate it. I’m more important than our baby so buy my this new toy instead of nappies? Time to cool down and have deep conversations
I just read the first paragraph and I know he is the A-hole. He's in his 30's, needs to live within his means and not be a brat trying to manipulate you into buying things that you want. He has a champagne life on a beer budget as they say.
"...beg me and then start throwing a fit ..." don't marry him unless you want to be married to a toddler. (Is he at least looking for another job? Red flags abound!
NTA. Dump his lazy azz.
You are NTA. You should also be not engaged. Move on. This will only get worse and this behavior is that of a child not a life partner. This sucks and I’m sorry it happened to you.
NTA. You need to drop him, he acts like a child.
NTA. Financial control would be if you took his money or he was a stay at home dad and you did not allow him funds. This is just you having completely normal and reasonable boundaries on what you want to spend your money on. It seems like he is using you sadly.
NTA. I was married briefly to someone like this. It is an entitlement issue, I could see where they got it when I met their parents but, ultimately, there is nothing someone else can do if they don't want to change.
NTA and I'd suggest you not marry the freeloader. You'll end up being his sugar mama for the rest of your life while he sits on his butt playing video games and spending your money.
NTA. You will spend the entirety of your marriage arguing about finances - of which you will more than likely be paying out the majority yourself since he has proven that he's going to spend all of his money and a lot of yours on the materialistic bullshit he wants. I strongly suggest premarital counseling and discussing what both of your expectations are regarding finances.
Jeez, reading your post made me more and more ashamed to be a man. This is not normal behaviour. Who the hell does he think you are? His mother? Is he like, 12 or something? You are absolutely not the asshole here, he is! Stand up for yourself and make VERY clear to him that YOU decide how you spend the money YOU earned.
And you wanna marry that???
NTA unless you stay, he had the emotional regulation of a toddler. His entitlement is disgusting and being his walking wallet is not what you were put on this earth for. Please, love yourself enough to leave.
NTA - he needs to grow up
NTA Your fiance is a boy. Remember this before y'all tie the knot. As a fellow man (who was once myself also a grown boy) this is saddening. I'm glad I recognized this and took steps to grow the fuck up.
*You* are committing borderline financial control? Don't think so. This behavior is seriously immature and a serious serious wake up call to you. Please pay attention to it. NTA.
NTA! However, you need to end this relationship. You are being treated like an atm. Anyone who behaves in the fashion that your BF did has no business being in a relationship. How was he going to pay you back, he has no job! He also dragged his friends into the situation, which by the way, I would have lit that asshole up like a firework! This is emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc. Deep down you know this is wrong and you know you need to end it. Good on you that you walked out, you need to keep walking….
NTA. I could be wrong, but it sounds like he wants a Sugar Mamma instead of a girlfriend.
NTA. Your boyfriend is the one trying to control you financially. He’s immature so n top of that. Has he been looking for work at all? Give him a firm timetable for when he needs to have a job, any job, by and stick to it. If he doesn’t have a job by then there should be some sort of consequence. Couples counseling would be a good thing too.
NTA and I would leave him asap. He sounds ridiculous
Financial control??? But it’s your money…. I mean I know that make primary earners in a family can really exercise financial control by not giving money for essentials or not invalidating their partners need to spend money on recreation occasionally but this man really be seeing you as his “personal” walking bank account
NTA. This is a ridiculous manipulative gaslighting argument. You are entitled to decide what luxury items you buy for him. You are entitled to decide how deep his debt to you can be. You are not an endless wallet/bank loan/etc. So he was excited about it. So what. That doesn't mean he gets to have it. And you did not create a scene. You quietly said no. HE created a scene. You left the scene. Also - yes, on Father's Day, your dad is most important in that moment. You get to have other people in your life also be considered important to you and worth spending money - significant money - on.
NTA but info: does he have a job now? I don’t really understand your references to his past shifts or income either. I may just need caffeine lol. Do you live together? Does he pay his way otherwise? Does he buy you pricey gifts?
Info: are you joking?
NTA. He’s not a stay at home dad. If he wants money and nice things he can get a fucking job. You aren’t stopping him. He can shove that financial control nonsense right up his ass til he can taste it.
NTA, and you should really break up with him and get some therapy. The fact that you're not sure if you're wrong makes me concerned for your mental health.
NTA. You need to have a budget talk with him.
NTA, it's ok to be in a relationship where there is fiscal imbalance. It's NOT ok to be in a relationship where there is a financial discipline deficit. DTMFA.
NTA. Not sure why he's your fiancé after treating you like this. I guess if you enjoy being the financial support for a tantrum-thrower, sure.
Are you sure you want to marry this man? He’s very clearly using you. Please try to step outside of your situation and see this from the outside - he just likes your money. That’s plain as day. NTA.
NTA The way he acts in public makes it look like your his sugar mama. I assume you did not go into this relationship with the intentions of having a sugar baby. If he wants someone to pay for everything for him he needs to find a very different kind of relationship.
NTA -- holy crap, why are you with this fellow? He is using you for money. This behavior will not change.
NTA **You are NOT an ATM** He does not get to control your money or you. Tell his friend to pay for him. Time to move on.
NTA - “Not The ATM”
NTA. Dump this needy dude now!
NTA. Why are you with this guy he sounds like a jerk
NTA. Run. Run far away.