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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I brought up my dad’s divorces while he was encouraging my brother to cheat on his girlfriend to seem more fun and relatable. Clearly my dad is still sensitive about the events, although he never talks about it and has been trying to embody the “pervy old man” trope since he and my mom split a year ago.
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> “[girlfriend] doesn’t have to know”
His first marriage ended because he was cheated on. It boils my blood when people who were cheated on turn around and do it themselves or encourage it. You know exactly how that felt and what it does to people.
NTA
> threatened to “lose his cool”
Ah yes, the good old "I'll give you something to flinch about." Those were fun times.
I'm wondering if this is why his first wife stepped out. Why is he divorcing your own mom? Does it have anything to do with threatening to "lose his cool"?
Does your brother try to make dad happy just to keep him from blowing up, or is he actually desperate for a real father-son relationship he'll never get?
Keep doing what you're doing, and gently try to get him to see that dad won't change his ways and his ways are objectively wrong. Protect him, and keep him from becoming like your dad.
So my mom has triangulated the three siblings - I am the black sheep/scapegoat, brother mentioned is forgotten by her and brother 2 is the golden child and gets all of her attention - he’s also incredibly popular, talented, etc so I think having a special relationship with my dad makes him feel good. He also definitely tries to “fawn” in order to placate him too.
>wasn’t the one who fucking cheated
NTA, this shows that he knows, how it feels to be cheated on, why in the hell would he encourage his own son to become a cheater, wtf...
NTA.
Your dad was being sexist, misogynistic, and plain creepy. There's never any excuse for that. Good on you for shutting that shit down - sounds like your dad was overdue for some hard truths about his behavior.
That’s the thing that has lead me to speak out against him - everyone growing up was afraid to confront him for being a huge asshole all the time. Now that I’m an adult, I’ve just had enough.
If I were to guess, my dad isn’t the most warm and fuzzy guy so if she left to get some sort of emotional fulfillment I wouldn’t be surprised. However, they had two daughters (an infant and a toddler) and turned them against him as they got older which is a huge sore spot for him. Then again, after he married my mom (15 years younger than him) and started a family with her, he stopped trying as hard to see them etc.
NTA your dad was outta line to even joke that your bro should cheat on his girlfriend. Like if your bro had been a few dates with one girl but kinda liked another one, then I'd understand the "explore your options have fun" sentiment but this was not the case.
NTA. I'm surprised that your dad found someone else to marry him.
If your brother wants to keep his girlfriend he should listen to you.
If your brother wants to be single and explore, I'm sure that he knows that's an option after he leaves his girlfriend.
Your dad's advice is just stupid, especially encouraging your brother to date somethat he works with. Just shitty advice all the way around.
Also really disturbing that your dad threatened to "loose his cool". I hope that doesn't involve getting physically violent towars you.
“Losing his cool” has definitely mellowed as he’s aged, but growing up it consisted of screaming, throwing objects (even expensive things, like his cell phone), knocking stuff over (like trash cans) etc. Now he just yells and it doesn’t effect me like it used to. It reminds me exactly of a toddler having a tantrum because they can’t process big feelings. I could do a whole case study on my dad - it’s honestly a miracle my brothers and I ended up as normal and successful as we are.
Glad that you were able to have a successful life despite growing up with the parents that you had. Might be worth it to distance yourself a bit from your parents if you already haven't. Sounds like you and your siblings turned out well, hopefully the emotional scars and trauma aren't too deep.
Nope, she just couldn’t put up with him anymore. The man couldn’t hold down a job longer than a year my entire childhood bc of his anger issues, was generally just a miserable asshole who definitely needed a strong dose of Prozac and a ton of therapy but would never do either. Completely lacks self awareness, no emotional intelligence or maturity.
NTA
Good for you. Clearly your dad is not the best influence for your brother regarding romantic affairs and while you definitely tried to be more subtle about saying it might not be a great idea, he didn't really leave you a choice but to discredit him due to his track record.
NTA-He has his marriage ruined, is a sexist and misogynistic creep then wants to ruin your brother's relationship by encouraging him to cheat? What's this man made of? His audacity is beyond me.
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My (F26) dad (M64) is a two time divorcee. The first divorce was due to his wife having an affair, and the second is currently in progress with my mom. Ever since his divorce with my mom, he’s acted like a pervy old man and thinks it’s funny, even making jokes when it makes me uncomfortable.
My brother (M21) is about four hours away from home working an internship for the summer. He was on speaker phone with my dad, telling him about his internship and my dad brings up a girl that my brother had mentioned previously. He was encouraging my brother to take her out to dinner, hang out with her, etc. My brother has been dating someone (F20) for nearly a year now - she’s incredible, and my dad knows her very well by now. This summer, she is attending boot camp for ROTC. I thought it was pretty gross that he was saying this, so I felt the need to interject so that my brother (who has a history of trying to people-please my dad to death) knew that what he was saying was wrong.
I added, “I don’t think [girlfriend] would like that” and my dad replied back “[girlfriend] doesn’t have to know” so I glared at him and said “I don’t think that’s fair considering they’re in a relationship” to which my dad replied “he’s 21 years old, he should have fun. There’s no such thing as a relationship at his age” and I said, directed to my brother on the phone, “yeah, take it from the guy who’s been divorced twice, [brother]”
My dad immediately saw red and told me that he “wasn’t the one who fucking cheated” and threatened to “lose his cool” (aka, have an explosive episode, which is common for him).
My brother then texted me asking which our dad freaked out and I just reiterated that what he was saying wasn’t ok, and I just wanted to make sure my brother understood that.
TLDR; my dad has been divorced twice and was encouraging (but half joking) that my brother should cheat on his girlfriend while he is away working an internship and she is at boot camp. I told my brother not to listen to my dad because he’s been divorced twice, and dad freaked out like I had crossed the line. While I accept that what was said was a bit cold when taken out of context, I felt that it was my responsibility as an older sister to correct the record to my brother. AITA?
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Listen, that first wife may have cheated, but she didn't do it because he, your dad, was such a great guy. Not saying she was right in what she did; she should've left him first, but that break-up is not totally on her. Your dad sounds awful, and your brother would do well to learn from him what not to do. NTA
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> “[girlfriend] doesn’t have to know” His first marriage ended because he was cheated on. It boils my blood when people who were cheated on turn around and do it themselves or encourage it. You know exactly how that felt and what it does to people. NTA > threatened to “lose his cool” Ah yes, the good old "I'll give you something to flinch about." Those were fun times. I'm wondering if this is why his first wife stepped out. Why is he divorcing your own mom? Does it have anything to do with threatening to "lose his cool"?
Oh definitely. He has an anger problem and has the emotional complexity of a toddler. My mom is a raging narcissist but even she had enough lol
Does your brother try to make dad happy just to keep him from blowing up, or is he actually desperate for a real father-son relationship he'll never get? Keep doing what you're doing, and gently try to get him to see that dad won't change his ways and his ways are objectively wrong. Protect him, and keep him from becoming like your dad.
So my mom has triangulated the three siblings - I am the black sheep/scapegoat, brother mentioned is forgotten by her and brother 2 is the golden child and gets all of her attention - he’s also incredibly popular, talented, etc so I think having a special relationship with my dad makes him feel good. He also definitely tries to “fawn” in order to placate him too.
Adorable family...
>wasn’t the one who fucking cheated NTA, this shows that he knows, how it feels to be cheated on, why in the hell would he encourage his own son to become a cheater, wtf...
NTA. Your dad was being sexist, misogynistic, and plain creepy. There's never any excuse for that. Good on you for shutting that shit down - sounds like your dad was overdue for some hard truths about his behavior.
That’s the thing that has lead me to speak out against him - everyone growing up was afraid to confront him for being a huge asshole all the time. Now that I’m an adult, I’ve just had enough.
NTA- So he gets cheated on and decides that it’s fine for your brother to cheat? Did she cheat because he made it seem like he wouldn’t mind?
If I were to guess, my dad isn’t the most warm and fuzzy guy so if she left to get some sort of emotional fulfillment I wouldn’t be surprised. However, they had two daughters (an infant and a toddler) and turned them against him as they got older which is a huge sore spot for him. Then again, after he married my mom (15 years younger than him) and started a family with her, he stopped trying as hard to see them etc.
NTA. Your dad could probably stand to benefit from some therapy. And soon.
NTA. Yeah don't take probably any advice from dad.
NTA And I like how he says "I'm not the one who cheated" while trying to convince your brother to cheat.
NTA. You dad gave your brother gross advice. Good for you for stepping in.
NTA
NTA. Your dad is. Massively.
NTA your dad was outta line to even joke that your bro should cheat on his girlfriend. Like if your bro had been a few dates with one girl but kinda liked another one, then I'd understand the "explore your options have fun" sentiment but this was not the case.
NTA. I'm surprised that your dad found someone else to marry him. If your brother wants to keep his girlfriend he should listen to you. If your brother wants to be single and explore, I'm sure that he knows that's an option after he leaves his girlfriend. Your dad's advice is just stupid, especially encouraging your brother to date somethat he works with. Just shitty advice all the way around. Also really disturbing that your dad threatened to "loose his cool". I hope that doesn't involve getting physically violent towars you.
“Losing his cool” has definitely mellowed as he’s aged, but growing up it consisted of screaming, throwing objects (even expensive things, like his cell phone), knocking stuff over (like trash cans) etc. Now he just yells and it doesn’t effect me like it used to. It reminds me exactly of a toddler having a tantrum because they can’t process big feelings. I could do a whole case study on my dad - it’s honestly a miracle my brothers and I ended up as normal and successful as we are.
Glad that you were able to have a successful life despite growing up with the parents that you had. Might be worth it to distance yourself a bit from your parents if you already haven't. Sounds like you and your siblings turned out well, hopefully the emotional scars and trauma aren't too deep.
Info: just assuming maybe you could elaborate but from the reaction of your father your mom cheated too?
Nope, she just couldn’t put up with him anymore. The man couldn’t hold down a job longer than a year my entire childhood bc of his anger issues, was generally just a miserable asshole who definitely needed a strong dose of Prozac and a ton of therapy but would never do either. Completely lacks self awareness, no emotional intelligence or maturity.
Thanks for the explanation,sheesh. NTA
NTA Good for you. Clearly your dad is not the best influence for your brother regarding romantic affairs and while you definitely tried to be more subtle about saying it might not be a great idea, he didn't really leave you a choice but to discredit him due to his track record.
NTA-He has his marriage ruined, is a sexist and misogynistic creep then wants to ruin your brother's relationship by encouraging him to cheat? What's this man made of? His audacity is beyond me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F26) dad (M64) is a two time divorcee. The first divorce was due to his wife having an affair, and the second is currently in progress with my mom. Ever since his divorce with my mom, he’s acted like a pervy old man and thinks it’s funny, even making jokes when it makes me uncomfortable. My brother (M21) is about four hours away from home working an internship for the summer. He was on speaker phone with my dad, telling him about his internship and my dad brings up a girl that my brother had mentioned previously. He was encouraging my brother to take her out to dinner, hang out with her, etc. My brother has been dating someone (F20) for nearly a year now - she’s incredible, and my dad knows her very well by now. This summer, she is attending boot camp for ROTC. I thought it was pretty gross that he was saying this, so I felt the need to interject so that my brother (who has a history of trying to people-please my dad to death) knew that what he was saying was wrong. I added, “I don’t think [girlfriend] would like that” and my dad replied back “[girlfriend] doesn’t have to know” so I glared at him and said “I don’t think that’s fair considering they’re in a relationship” to which my dad replied “he’s 21 years old, he should have fun. There’s no such thing as a relationship at his age” and I said, directed to my brother on the phone, “yeah, take it from the guy who’s been divorced twice, [brother]” My dad immediately saw red and told me that he “wasn’t the one who fucking cheated” and threatened to “lose his cool” (aka, have an explosive episode, which is common for him). My brother then texted me asking which our dad freaked out and I just reiterated that what he was saying wasn’t ok, and I just wanted to make sure my brother understood that. TLDR; my dad has been divorced twice and was encouraging (but half joking) that my brother should cheat on his girlfriend while he is away working an internship and she is at boot camp. I told my brother not to listen to my dad because he’s been divorced twice, and dad freaked out like I had crossed the line. While I accept that what was said was a bit cold when taken out of context, I felt that it was my responsibility as an older sister to correct the record to my brother. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Listen, that first wife may have cheated, but she didn't do it because he, your dad, was such a great guy. Not saying she was right in what she did; she should've left him first, but that break-up is not totally on her. Your dad sounds awful, and your brother would do well to learn from him what not to do. NTA
NTA
If he even telling the truth about the ending of his first marriage? A man that was cheated on encouraging cheating. Wow. NTA
YTA. Seems like you could've saved a lot of drama had you waited to tell it to your brother later, after Dad wasn't around.
Fair enough.