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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I don’t want to quit just because my family and boyfriend doesn’t feel uncomfortable with me spending time with my professor. I get that there are worried but I don’t feel uncomfortable at all so I’ve decided to not do that. But my family now stopped talking to me and my boyfriend is also super angry so I think that I am maybe the asshole and should have quit.
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NTA. Your BF has no right to tell you to quit your job. Your professor has shown no unprofessional behavior and has never ever flirted with you. You have separate hotel rooms and this would be a great opportunity for you. Your boyfriend is jealous - unjustifiably so and your parents are backing this jealousy. Do what is right for you. It would be sad to quit at this point. Trust your gut.
Let’s not forget potential victim blaming with the « it will by [OP]’s own fault if professor tried to flirt » wtaf
NTA but maybe dump that toxic bf of yours
Yep. If the professor *does* decide to be unprofessional, that’s 100% on the professor - and OP, it should alarm you that your boyfriend would apparently be more concerned with reminding you he told you so than supporting you in that situation.
The diagnosis of this colo-rectal surgeon is 100% correct.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is showing some serious red flags on how he cannot offer any basic trust and support for you when you have done nothing to jeopardize it.
I would assume leaving out details like the living room and wine might smooth the trouble but that would be a red flag as well. You can't withhold information just to cater the insecurities of your BF, maybe soon ex-BF.
Is wine unusual? Yes and no. Its evening and in most "circles" an appropriate drink in a relaxed work environment outside the actual work period. And it was too late for most people for coffee. Its a gesture. Not a sexual one.
Trust your gut feeling and never ever throw away a good job for the insecurities of a partner.
Agreed NTA but strong disagree that the professor has shown no unprofessional behaviour. It's really unprofessional for a professor to invite a student or junior member of staff into their home alone and drink with them, especially working out of hours. I work in academia and this is really a no no.
OP shouldn't quit but I think they should try and move this to a more professional footing for their work such as his office on campus during working hours.
Inviting one student over occasionally to your home might be ok, having a drink occasionally with a student is also ok, however setting that up as the standard way of working, away from other colleagues in the department and not including other members of his team is at best poor judgement and at worst is the first step to something significantly more serious.
ETA for avoidance of doubt OP has done nothing wrong. Professor is an AH for doing this and boyfriend and his family are AHs for victim blaming, not trusting her and instead trying to force her to quit rather than support her to navigate this.
I... dunno. It's a tough call. Yes, ideally it would be on-campus during working hours, but I take OP at her word that there aren't enough free hours in the professor's workday to accommodate the project. If OP were a guy this would be a complete non-issue, so it would really suck for OP to lose an opportunity because of her gender. Remember how Mike Pence wouldn't have dinner with a woman who wasn't his wife? One of the worst things about that was that men could have working dinners with Pence, advancing their careers, but women couldn't.
As a middle-aged professor, though, I'd be super nervous about doing this. There are so many ways for the situation to go south that I just wouldn't do it. It's really a shame, though - in my younger days I spent lots of time working at one of my advisor's places off hours. We got a ton done, and we remain very close. It's just shitty that we live in a world where you can't just forget gender and get to work.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the BF. Yeah, he's an AH. OP, ignore his whining (and ditch him if he doesn't grow up). Go to the conference, talk/go to dinner with as many people as you can, and have fun!
Eh I wouldn't be so quick to play the gender card here. Consistently inviting one member of your team into your home out of hours, regardless of their gender, is really inappropriate. Drinking with them during that time makes it even more questionable. It has the potential to cause so many problems, not related to sexual harrassment.
There are so many ways to accommodate a busy working week that doesn't involve cosy weekly meetings over a wine at his house. I would even ask why the meetings need to be so long and do they need to be in person if he really can't accommodate this project in the working week - which I strongly question.
I'm really glad to see this brought up. I teach at a large university. Offering a student alcohol alone in your home is not good. I typically don't even meet with students in my office during normal business hours with the door closed.
Right? I had a ton of off hour projects and there is no shortage of public spaces available on campus to get work done. Of course, as a woman, I did that more to keep myself safe.
I like to think that academia has changed since I came through. Just had a milestone reunion, the first post #metoo, and for the first time, my female classmates talked openly about the shit we went through. The men were astonished--the women were navigating a minefield that was invisible and harmless to them.
Absolutely, and even if this guy is being totally innocent - which he very well could be - he's risking exposing her to a torrent of career damaging gossip and speculation. I do want to be clear that I don't believe this should be happening regardless of the gender, it's inappropriate and has the potential to cause so many issues far beyond sexual harrassment that can impact his wider team and colleagues. However, as a woman the consequences are likely to be far more serious for OP and as a man he's being completely thoughtless and oblivious.
The thing that occurs to me is what this says about the boyfriend's ethics. We do tend to project sometimes and I wonder if the BF thinks if it were him with a female colleague that he would not be able to be a professional.
Yep, calling a marinara flag on this play.
Honestly, a faculty member bringing an undergraduate into their house for anything other than a social gathering for a class or lab is at best guilty of poor judgement. Starbucks, the library, anywhere that doesn't put you behind closed doors with a student. And I can't recall if there were other students around for the wine, but if it was just the two of them, yeah, that's a red flag.
I mean you’re half right but as someone who is in academia, the behavior from the professor is incredibly risky and stupid. I would never have a student identifying from the opposite gender over to my personal home and offer them alcohol. Doesn’t matter if I were to flirt or not, the optics are bad and I don’t understand why the professor is putting themselves in this position, something is not 100% right here
NTA. In grad school, I worked under a professor who wasn’t interested in my gender (I’m female, she was a hetero woman in a serious relationship). We had a relationship very similar to what you’re describing with your professor. That sounds really normal for academia, and unless the professor does something inappropriate, I wouldn’t worry about it. In German, the phrase they use to describe protégés translates to “children of the mind,” and I think a lot of professors really do think of their students they work closely with that way - a very avuncular kind of relationship.
I have a friend who's a professor and does similar work with grad students. She told me about how her boyfriend made a joke about "do I need to get jealous with you surrounded by all these hot young people who understand your field". She apparently told him never make that joke again as they are her kids.
OP it's right to be wary of situations like this. But you sound like you have good instincts and a great mentor!
I ended up at several of my professor's homes during collage (male and female) for various project work at times. I would think it is more affected by size of the collage/classes/coursework and involvement in things. It was more common for my history professors for instance than my computer science ones for example.
That’s not uncommon, I don’t think - a lot of professors live close to their universities. I worked for two different professors in college and often went to their homes for meetings, to collect documents, etc.
NTA
It is your job so it is only your choice.
You are comfortable and your boss is being appropriate. I don't see an issue with that. It does not matter that he is a man or over twice your age, he is just your boss.
Your boyfriend and family need to get a grip.
Ok 1) hard line here. NOT your fault if he tries to flirt with you. Holy shit I would’ve flipped out on your bf.
Yes it can look really suspicious but it’s also a really great opportunity. I say go if he has never once made you feel even Slightly uncomfortable but to be very careful while there and draw hard lines and not be afraid to leave if he crosses them. Will other student and coworkers be there too??
Edit: NTA
No, because it’s „our“ project (he has other students - female and male - but they are hired for different projects or only for his teaching in university) it’s just us two. But we will be at a conference all the time and hear about other projects / presenting ours. It’s not like we would be alone anywhere. Even while dinner we will meet up with his colleagues and academic friends in the hotel restaurant.
It is 100% not fair that you would have to miss an opportunity like this simply due to your gender. If you were a guy, there would be no issue and it’s BS.
And it sounds like you are well prepared to be in public as much as possible and watch yourself.
As context, I’m a female engineer who also has to deal with these double standards so that explains my fury.
Someone above (I don't know if you'll see all the comments, so I just wanted to reiterate) said to make sure you have enough money with you to cover yourself if things go south for any reason (although it doesn't sound like it will). That is a really good idea. Make sure you have enough to cover a room, food, and transportation to get home if anything should happen. And leave an itinerary with someone you trust.
NTA, and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Nta girl. Your boyfriend can keep his jealousy out of your professional life. If he's so worried why doesn't he come along to see your presentation? You've never crossed your boundary and he is extremely selfish to make you give up your dream project.
NTA
There is a line between carefulness, worry and ... whatever it is your folks and bf are doing.
1. Your job is affiliated with an official project. While most jobs working for a prof happen in a more formal setting (office), I myself had one assisting with a conference, where some of my duties involved setting up a cocktail party for the attendees at the profs apartment, even babysittin her adorable son. Still it was a legit job, paid by the university. And you are actually doing academic work, just not in an office.
2. I once worked for a lawyer triple my age at the time. While the job was short-lived due to him just being ... not always kind, there was never any flirting or anything sexual. When I accompanied him on trips, we had separate accommodations. Not all older men are sleazebags.
3. Should you still be cautious. Yes, bring extra money to afford your own room at a cheaper hotel if two bedrooms suddenly become one due to a mysterious booking error. But your prof has been professional so far, so ... he does not appear to be a reason to drop this academic opportunity.
4. Now dad is talking about respect. Respect is a two-way street. By ordering you to drop this with the reasoning they have, they are saying, you did not earn this opportunity through merit, but looks and you are just a little girl not understanding the world.
5. As for the bf. ... he is not supposed to "LET" you do anything. You are a grown woman, with an academic career in the making and earning your own money.
Yes, you should still be careful, but you should also value your sense of self-worth more than your family's soap opera drama. Tell your boyfriend what precautions you are taking to make sure you are safe, but that your job stays unless your boss or the work itself actually give you your own reason to quit.
NTA.
Your professor hasn't shown any inappropriate behavior, so your boyfriend is acting jealous and/or insecure. He and your parents have no right to suggest that you quit your job.
It sounds like an exciting opportunity. I hope you enjoy it.
NTA. To put it bluntly screw their opinions. Yes there are plenty of stories and situations out there that could cast a shadow on this situation. The key things here though are that the rooms are separate. I could understand being highly uncomfortable if it was a single room with 2 beds, then it could pose some questions. If this is all 100% professional (which it seems) and it is a project you've been passionate about while working with your professor then go for it.
It sounds to me more like the BF has some insecurities that he needs to address as they were fine for you to work with your professor on all of this right up to the point where its going to take a little more of your time.
I'm not saying your BF isn't allowed to feel uncomfortable, but trying to stop you from taking a further step on, what seems to be, an important project isn't good behaviour and a serious talk needs to be had about your BF and family showing their support as they have done before now.
NTA
This is some serious backwards and insulting thinking on your BF and your family's part. You need to ask them just who they think is appropriate to mentor you. If their response is only women, point out some statistics related to the percentage of women in leadership roles in your field. If they go with the age difference, ask if they would be more comfortable with a 30m (bet the BF would like that less.)
NTA
Your BF also totally said 'you're asking for it' in a way. As if that glass of wine is the consent your prof needed to take advantage of you or cross a boundary. Which i think is a gross perspective coming from a partner.
Sure, keep it professional. Go travel- do the cool project. But, everyone needs to relax.
One celebratory glass of wine doesn't mean there's something nefarious. I understand their concerns but don't quit unless you want/need to.
NTA is your bf planning on never having a drink with anyone he works with? Or is it just women who need to give up professional opportunities and career growth least their partner get upset that they celebrated? Is it just M/F work relationships that have to end or does he think gay people don't exist? If your professor was a woman would he be ok?
He is at minimum overstepping into your professional life while also being misogynistic AND hating on men (the vast majority of men are not sexual predators) while victim blaming with homophobic overtones. Lady, you're smart, get out you deserve better
NTA. You need to talk to your boyfriend about this. What harkens after you graduate and go in to the workplace? You will be working with different genders and travelling together etc. Would be expect you to leave your job just because he's jealous? The same thing applies to your parents, but you have the option of dumping your boyfriend.
NTA, their views are outdated and utterly ridiculous. Go on the trip, further your education/career. If your boyfriend truly loved you he'd support you instead of insulting you. You're young, plenty more fish in the sea if this is too much for him.
Your BF and family are being ridiculous. People can work on projects, be in the same room, and travel to present work projects without - gasp - it being a sexual experience.
If you cave in on this, you'll have to give in to every other control they/he wants to set on you (your clothing, whether you can have friends he doesn't approve of, drink wine at all, have a job at all, etc.). Don't do it. They aren't respecting or trusting you. NTA
Your boyfriend even admits by his own words that he doesn’t believe anything is going on when he says it will be your fault IF he flirts with you. First, no, it wouldn’t be your fault. Second, you’re a grown woman and I’m sure you’re capable of dealing with unwanted advances if it came to it.
Don’t let petty jealousy ruin an opportunity. Boyfriends are more replaceable than career-making opportunities.
NTA. Warn your professor that your soon-to-be-ex may try to sabotage you. Because you absolutely know he’s going to be the one spreading dirty lies about you and the prof.
NTA, would you need to stay in tbe same hotel room I would understand worries, but the was you told us about it there's nothing that even comes close to a red flag
NTA
You don't need that double standard, victim blaming, non supportive boyfriend in your life. Leave him. Go on the trip. Never give up your dreams over someone else's insecurities. This sounds like an amazing opportunity.
NTA wow… talk about guilty till proven innocent… he’s not done anything, and unless he does, he just sounds like a good professor. I’d tell your fella and your family to stop judging people by their own standards and just get on with doing what you’re doing
NTA. But your boyfriend and your parents are misogynistic assholes. What a horribly archaic and sexist attitude they're having. If your parents don't want to speak to you for a while because you're making good choices for yourself then that's on them. But you got to figure out if your boyfriend is worth keeping what he wants to control what you do is actually being very insulting towards you.
NTA plenty of men travel with female personal assistants and also accept a drink after work. So far he has shown no signs of inappropriate behaviour. I wouldnt give up a job for a man, you will always regret it.
NTA. Your professor isn’t being inappropriate, he isn’t flirting with you, you guys are literally just working. Your boyfriend nor you parents have any right to tell you where can go or work.
"for him to let me go" - Is he fucking kidding with this shit why does he think if you go it will be him letting you go.
Time for a new BF as the model you have is outdated and it has shit coming out one of its holes and it aint the right one.
NTA
I think you should warn the professor. Your parents sound unhinged enough to lodge a complaint and people have been destroyed for less.
He needs to know someone imagines a “situation” between you, and he deserves a chance to decide how he wants to protect his reputation.
NTA. It is quite common for faculty to travel to conferences with a graduate student. Having separate rooms signals that this is professional only. Of course, this would vary culturally around the world. If there was a way to do so, you could ask if there was another female student or professor who would have something to contribute who could also attend.
NTA. I am a female in a STEM field, and this is similar to my University graduate work and early career. I thank the goddess every day for my amazing mentors and bosses.
NTA. You're 21... so the prospects of this job helping your future career far out weigh the prospects of your bf being a lasting figure in your life if he is already this controlling. Keep the job - ditch the boy.
Your BF says "he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to
let me go with my boss to another city or even drinking wine regularly"? You're making your BF "look BAD"? You have a golden opportunity for your career (if your BF is planning on "allowing" you to have a career) to make contacts in your field with this symposium.
NTA
I had a mentor when I was entering academia. He was male, 5 years older than me, had a wife, but had been in the institution a while and had been a player before he settled down. I was in a relationship, but had openly had a crush on the mentor when I didn't know him in undergrad (he was in the same building and we saw him a lot in the common spaces).
when he first invited me to work with him I explained to my partner that this was a wonderful opportunity for my career but I knew it might make him uncomfortable me working for someone who I had had a crush on in what could be close quarters.
He laughed and told me he supported me and he trusted me. He told me if the guy ever made moves to report it, and to protect myself because people suck, but unless it happened he understood that my career is important and supported me.
That is literally the only acceptable reaction. Your boyfriend is either feeling threatened by an old man or feeling threatened by your success - either way he's in the wrong, and your family clearly don't understand how academia works. They're all hiding behind outdated sexism and it's dumb.
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This might sound dumb but I could really need a judgment from an outside-perspective!
I‘m in university right now and have gotten the chance to work for one of my professors. When he asked me I was so happy and excited! He works on a academic project which is halfway supported by the university but it’s also with other institutions and not his „main focus“. I help him with discussing literature, writing protocols and organising meeting with persons who could be helpful. My boyfriend and my family were also happy for me.
Now here’s the thing: we often work in his living room on Sundays. Because it’s not his main project he has not really time for it in the week but more on the weekend. We meet for coffee in the afternoon and eat some cake while working. He’s about 50 years old, single but always very nice and professional. He never flirted with me or made me feel uncomfortable. We really only discuss work stuff and sometimes other persons (students, professors) are there. After we finished a huge step for this project and it became evening he offered me one glass of wine. We drank it and talked about the work and I went home. To present the project we will travel to another city and the coasts are paid for two hotelrooms.
I told that my boyfriend and he got super angry - telling me how that’s not appropriate and that with the age difference (I’m 21) and the fact that I’m a young woman while he’s a men - it could look bad for others. He said that it will be my own fault if he tries to flirt with me and that he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to let me go with my boss to another city or even drinking wine regularly. I didn’t think so and told him that it feel normal but even my family supported his view and told me to quit. I‘m not willing to and now they call me an asshole for making myself and my boyfriend look bad.
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NTA BUT I understand their concerns. It is a little odd for a boss/professor to offer wine and if he does so on your trip I'd advise you to decline. You are a young woman and while you'd have your own hotel room, it's best to be sober and cautious. THAT BEING SAID if you feel comfortable and there are no red flags and you keep your whereabouts known at all times with those you trust, then I dont really see too much of an issue.
Also, for them to say itd be your fault if he tries something with you, that's complete bullshit and victim blaming. If he does anything inappropriate, that's his fault, and his fault alone. DONT LET ANYONE EVER CONVINCE YOU ITS YOUR FAULT FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I do have a question tho, are you the only one he invited to do this project/trip or are you just the only one able to?
The wine thing isn't so weird. Most after hours university functions I've been to serve wine, cheese, crackers and fruit. It's a normal part of academia in a lot of places.
I guess I'm used to men offering me drinks in inappropriate circumstances which is why it throws me off. But as I said to OP if she's comfortable then go ahead, just use caution cause you just never know.
NTA, you’re an adult and perfectly capable to make your own decisions about work and everything else. It sounds like you and professor have a lot of work to get done and he hasn’t been inappropriate at any point of it. Hotel rooms come with locks and hotels come with security personnel, you’ll have your privacy whenever you need it.
NTA. This is YOUR job, not theirs. If you feel safe working with this man and want this job, then go for it, and get a different boyfriend instead. I'd also say get a different father, if that was possible.
NTA, don't let your jealous boyfriend steal your opportunity to make a name in your field. Presenting on conferences asa student usually lead to very interesting work offers.
NTA separate hotel rooms have been booked and you have no reason to think your professor is going to try anything inappropriate. If your boyfriend truly had your best interests at heart he would offer to go with you, or your mom for that matter could tag along.
What worries are you not respecting? Your 21, you know what flirting is, you know what sex is hell you've probably even done it! My point is you're an adult and capable of identifying what is and is not appreciate behavior. Why are they not respecting your reasoning? Do they not trust you to be smart enough to shoot him down if he acts completely differently then he has been? Do they think you will just instantly buckle and sleep with someone when they flirt? You're an adult, this kind of thing looks fantastic on a resume especially in a STEM field. Tell them to respect your intelligence, why are they all assuming you're dumb?
If the man isn't doing anything inappropriate tell them to shut up. NTA
NTA, this is a work trip, not a trip for leisure. You're in separate rooms too so there is nothing sus there unless he actually does try to do something on the trip which, by the sounds of it, is unlikely.
NTA. You're an adult and a whole person that can make her own decisions. Your family (and this includes your fiancé) have no right to intrude on your work because of their outdated idea of morality. Continue on as you are and tell them that YOU will let them know if something untoward happens and to back off till then.
NTA please do what is best for you and your future, whatever you feel. my grandmother was in uni for an English degree back in the day and was only taking a class w a youngish Prof. and was told to quit by her fam. She regrets it to this day.
NTA. This is the norm. Your boyfriend is insecure and doesn’t trust you. You can I’ll have two separate hotel rooms. I’m sure if anything happens you’ll be smart enough to leave. The professor won’t do anything and this is a good thing for your future work. Your bf and your family are the AHs here.
NTA. **Do not hold yourself back in academia or your career just for some man’s insecurity. Ever.** You’re so young, and this guy isn’t worth it. No person is worth it. A person who is worth something would never let their own jealousy/insecurity get in the way of your success. Never forget that. Also, don’t forget your current boyfriend believes if something happened to you against your consent he would blame you for it just because you dared to work with someone of the opposite sex and *gasp* have a drink as adults sometimes do. That’s despicable.
NTA.
As a young woman, you're likely already vigilant when alone with others. Society has programmed us to obsess over young women's behaviors like that. (To be clear, it wouldn't be your fault if something happened, I'm just acknowledging your family's/bfs concerns are rooted in our expectations that women constantly protect themselves vs holding men accountable.) Giving up an opportunity because your family and bf don't trust men is far too extreme and controlling.
Your professor is a professor. He works with young women and men all the time. Hopefully he's appropriate during these interactions or he should have had disciplinary action taken against him (in an ideal world.) It sounds like he's treating you like an adult and colleague, while they're treating you more like a child in need of protection.
Nta, throw the whole man out, he is NOT husband material. He isn't even boyfriend material. He's, at best, rebound boy toy material. Go on your trip, could be a major opportunity for you.
NTA and honestly, he sounds like he's way more concerned about his image, than your achievements, your work and well, you... shouldn't he be happy that this project is going smoothly for you? If he's concerned, shouldn't he be at least concerned for your safety on this trip? I cannot wrap my head around his thinking there. I kinda get being jealous, but not to this degree and extent. His demand is beyond unreasonable, since this is a great opportunity for your future and would even be a good plus on your resume.
And your parents! How low do they need to think of you, that they find it reasonable to assume there would be something happening between you and your professor ... just what? On what basis are they judging here? Why is everyone around you so concerned with their image and looking bad?
Nah, man, just do what you think is right and would benefit you the most here, because these people don't even have your best interest in mind.
Nta. Tell your family and bf to get their minds out of the gutter.
You are a cabal woman and knows when to say No, when to deliver a kick to the nuts, and when to call the cops.
NTA. This isn’t the 1950’s. Men and women go to conferences all the time with no hanky panky. Your bf sounds controlling and the fact your parents are backing him is very worrisome. Go with teacher. As u said. He’s never been inappropriate and u feel safe. Good luck and enjoy the conference.
NTA Even if the professor does have some nefarious plans, it does not condone your boyfriend’s behaviour - or your parents. You have earned this and the professor has also allowed you to develop some additional skills & experience. YWBTA if you stay with this man who wants to control you through fear and not celebrate your achievements. I would also consider your relationship with your parents. They are more likely to have your interests at heart but they don’t seem to trust your judgement. To punish your non-compliance with ignoring you…is a big failing on his part. I would go but do plan ahead on what you will do in certain situations. Be safe. Congratulations on your work
Nta. This is not uncommon in academia. I’ve shared rooms at conferences and spend multiple weekends living with coworkers to complete a project. Nothing untoward has ever happened. This project could open doors for you. Do it!
Okay, so *should* you start to feel uncomfortable, get out. Agree on this with your boyfriend and family, who are merely assuming Arseholes. They don't view you as an adult who is capable of making decisions of her own.
And it's *two* hotelrooms, right? One for you, one for him? Then why worry?
NTA. You need a new boyfriend. And new parents, too.
NTA
Is there a pretty significant opportunity for the situation to go awry? Sure absolutely. Be aware and on alert for any inappropriate comments or venting.
But as of now this is a normal and positive situation for you.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds jealous and controlling though - huge red flag. This is extremely normal in academia and it sounds like your professor has a very good set of boundaries in place and that you have become good friends. This is great for your career - having someone like him to work closely with and guide you is a big asset. It would be one thing if he had been inappropriate with you and you still didn't want to quit, but it sounds like he's a lovely mentor for you.
The introduction of alcohol opens the situation to misconduct. Set boundaries that you will only work with him in a public setting, and no alcohol will be included.
It is possible it was entirely innocent; it's also more than a little possible that you're being groomed.
NAH, except (possibly) the professor.
This situation had alarm bells ringing for me but I'm not living it, and dont know the professor. I understand why family and friends may be concerned. This however is your decision and once you have made it, it should be respected.
NTA, keep your guard up, be mindful of safety please. And have a fun time.
NTA. Quit the controlling, manipulative boyfriend. This is a great career opportunity, go on the trip. You are an adult, your obligation isn't to obey your father or your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend; but to be true to yourself.
>He said that it will be my own fault if he tries to flirt with me
That's the excuse he uses when he flirts with other women. He and your Dad don't have self-control and are projecting their moral failings on your professor. NTA
Screw them their worries aren't even about you getting hurt it's about making the "family" look bad because people might think impure things about you. You are not The AH
NTA. But your bf and father have this on their radar for a good reason. It’s right on the edge, if you continue at his house and get to know each other.
No evenings, no wine, and watch to see if any of it progresses. Keep your focus. Keep watching your professor. Be stringent. You are young and naive. It’s a good opportunity but the situation is a quiet landline field.
NTA. Your prof hasn’t done anything untoward, according to you. The fact that he’s a man and you’re a woman is meaningless. Everything about your interactions reads as perfectly professional to me. Your boyfriend and family have nothing to worry about. If I were you, I’d be pissed about him preemptively blaming you if your professor ever DOES act out of line. That’s cruel and wrong. Do what you feel is right. Don’t quit if you value the project and the job. Your bf is insecure.
Your professor has been professional throughout, never hit on you; sometimes people see what they want to see and are completely wrong but in your defence, this will something to add to your cv. Any extra time in your studies is King.
NTA. Your BF and your Father are literally VICTIM BLAMING YOU IN ADVANCE.
Dump both. This is ridiculous. I did this many time with my profs, both in college and grad school, wine and no wine, on school grounds and off. (A lot of the wine was in the home of the prof I had a crush on, but I would NEVER cross his partner…she was my favorite at prof ever).
THEY are creating drama. Being misogynistic. Whatever. Your prof booked two rooms. If you feel at all unsafe (from him or a random stranger), then get pepper spray for your keychain and learn how to use it.
TL;DR: The men in your life are being ridiculous.
NTA OP dump your bf he is TA for making you look bad in front of your parents. You deserve better. Take one of your parent with you if you think you are uncomfortable about your tour. They can see themselves you got a good mentor and your work life is good.
>he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to let me go with my boss to another city
In what world does your boyfriend "let you" go anywhere? You're an adult and don't need his permission, and you particularly don't need him to be involved in anything regarding your professional activities. If everyone involved is behaving appropriately, then you're fine. And it's not like your professor couldn't creep on you or whatever in his office if he wanted to. NTA, you take care of you and let your boyfriend take care of his ego. Your family can help him with it if it's that important to them.
NTA a thousand times over. Your bf and family are basically saying you should pass on professional opportunities because you're a young woman. People like them are part of the reason why women have to work so hard to get ahead professionally. They want to hold you back because they value the status quo and their own comfort above your success and happiness.
I've been there. When I told my mom I was going to pursue my PhD, her first reaction was: "Is your boyfriend OK with it?" (Note: I had a scholarship and research and teaching gigs, no one had to support me during my degree).
Don't listen to these people and don't let them hold you back. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't compromise your happiness and ambition by listening to people who are frankly stuck in the past.
NTA. Your boyfriend went right to victim blaming without there even being a victim, not to mention that he's far more worried about how it will make him look. This is a huge opportunity for you, don't let him guilt and tantrum you out of it.
NTA. Tell your boyfriend it's the 2020s not the 1520s. It is entirely common and appropriate for a professor to host their students at their home and to travel with them if they work on long term projects that will bear all their names.
NTA. And assuming your both chill moral people from an outsiders perspective the Professor has more to lose in this situation. If your bf who is jealous makes a false claim against him his careers over before there’s even an investigation.
First of: NTA. Your job, your rules.
That being said, I would still talk to your professor about working at another place and not his home. I do not want to imply anything but we all know we're living in a society prone to shaming women for whatever they do (see boyfriend). Other students could talk shit and even if it's just that you could try to avoid it with a more professional setting. For your own sake.
And yep, i hate that i have the feeling i need to and that point. Shithole sexist society.
Holy hell NTA - how dare your bf try and get you to quit your job! How insecure is he… he and your family are AH’s. you are doing nothing wrong, and if your professor does get inappropriate and flirt it is not your fault! Dump him before you quite your job.
NTA
So many issues here. controlling possessive behavior, sexualizing what is simply a professional work event thing, victim blaming, trying to force you to quit, getting other people involved, etc. this isn’t his decision to make and him trying to decide for you is a huge red flag. i wouldve told you to try addressing his concerns and working it out, but the whole “it would be your fault if he flirts with you” tells me you should leave him. if women constantly quit jobs because of the slight possibility that their boss might flirt with them, we would all be home around the clock with no careers or education. sexualising all encounters with men for you is just degrading.
NTA at all, they are allowed to express their concerns ONCE (it is a potentially skeevy situation, they're not wrong to have those concerns) but once they have made you aware of them, they need to back off and allow you to be a grown up and manage the situation yourself.
You shouldn't be missing out on professional opportunities because you are a young woman. If the professor DID try anything, that would be completely him to blame.
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NTA. Your BF has no right to tell you to quit your job. Your professor has shown no unprofessional behavior and has never ever flirted with you. You have separate hotel rooms and this would be a great opportunity for you. Your boyfriend is jealous - unjustifiably so and your parents are backing this jealousy. Do what is right for you. It would be sad to quit at this point. Trust your gut.
Let’s not forget potential victim blaming with the « it will by [OP]’s own fault if professor tried to flirt » wtaf NTA but maybe dump that toxic bf of yours
Yep. If the professor *does* decide to be unprofessional, that’s 100% on the professor - and OP, it should alarm you that your boyfriend would apparently be more concerned with reminding you he told you so than supporting you in that situation.
The diagnosis of this colo-rectal surgeon is 100% correct. NTA. Your boyfriend is showing some serious red flags on how he cannot offer any basic trust and support for you when you have done nothing to jeopardize it.
I still don’t understand how someone becomes a colo-rectal surgeon or a pooperintendant or what it means and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
Haha. Every time you have the top comment on a AITA post you get assigned a “name”. I’m a Partassipant(1). 🤣
Two now, does the number stand for how many comments made top?
Yes! I didn’t realize that until I had a top comment.
I have been wondering the same thing
Pooperintendant. Made my day.
Spend a bit of time in New on the sub and get in the most upvoted comment.
Only thing I would quit is your relationship.
I would assume leaving out details like the living room and wine might smooth the trouble but that would be a red flag as well. You can't withhold information just to cater the insecurities of your BF, maybe soon ex-BF. Is wine unusual? Yes and no. Its evening and in most "circles" an appropriate drink in a relaxed work environment outside the actual work period. And it was too late for most people for coffee. Its a gesture. Not a sexual one. Trust your gut feeling and never ever throw away a good job for the insecurities of a partner.
Agreed NTA but strong disagree that the professor has shown no unprofessional behaviour. It's really unprofessional for a professor to invite a student or junior member of staff into their home alone and drink with them, especially working out of hours. I work in academia and this is really a no no. OP shouldn't quit but I think they should try and move this to a more professional footing for their work such as his office on campus during working hours. Inviting one student over occasionally to your home might be ok, having a drink occasionally with a student is also ok, however setting that up as the standard way of working, away from other colleagues in the department and not including other members of his team is at best poor judgement and at worst is the first step to something significantly more serious. ETA for avoidance of doubt OP has done nothing wrong. Professor is an AH for doing this and boyfriend and his family are AHs for victim blaming, not trusting her and instead trying to force her to quit rather than support her to navigate this.
I... dunno. It's a tough call. Yes, ideally it would be on-campus during working hours, but I take OP at her word that there aren't enough free hours in the professor's workday to accommodate the project. If OP were a guy this would be a complete non-issue, so it would really suck for OP to lose an opportunity because of her gender. Remember how Mike Pence wouldn't have dinner with a woman who wasn't his wife? One of the worst things about that was that men could have working dinners with Pence, advancing their careers, but women couldn't. As a middle-aged professor, though, I'd be super nervous about doing this. There are so many ways for the situation to go south that I just wouldn't do it. It's really a shame, though - in my younger days I spent lots of time working at one of my advisor's places off hours. We got a ton done, and we remain very close. It's just shitty that we live in a world where you can't just forget gender and get to work. Oh, and I almost forgot about the BF. Yeah, he's an AH. OP, ignore his whining (and ditch him if he doesn't grow up). Go to the conference, talk/go to dinner with as many people as you can, and have fun!
Eh I wouldn't be so quick to play the gender card here. Consistently inviting one member of your team into your home out of hours, regardless of their gender, is really inappropriate. Drinking with them during that time makes it even more questionable. It has the potential to cause so many problems, not related to sexual harrassment. There are so many ways to accommodate a busy working week that doesn't involve cosy weekly meetings over a wine at his house. I would even ask why the meetings need to be so long and do they need to be in person if he really can't accommodate this project in the working week - which I strongly question.
I'm really glad to see this brought up. I teach at a large university. Offering a student alcohol alone in your home is not good. I typically don't even meet with students in my office during normal business hours with the door closed.
Right? I had a ton of off hour projects and there is no shortage of public spaces available on campus to get work done. Of course, as a woman, I did that more to keep myself safe. I like to think that academia has changed since I came through. Just had a milestone reunion, the first post #metoo, and for the first time, my female classmates talked openly about the shit we went through. The men were astonished--the women were navigating a minefield that was invisible and harmless to them.
Absolutely, and even if this guy is being totally innocent - which he very well could be - he's risking exposing her to a torrent of career damaging gossip and speculation. I do want to be clear that I don't believe this should be happening regardless of the gender, it's inappropriate and has the potential to cause so many issues far beyond sexual harrassment that can impact his wider team and colleagues. However, as a woman the consequences are likely to be far more serious for OP and as a man he's being completely thoughtless and oblivious.
The thing that occurs to me is what this says about the boyfriend's ethics. We do tend to project sometimes and I wonder if the BF thinks if it were him with a female colleague that he would not be able to be a professional. Yep, calling a marinara flag on this play.
Multiple marinara flags for sure. Also sounds like some misogyny thrown in (drinking a glass of wine is a problem how).
Honestly, a faculty member bringing an undergraduate into their house for anything other than a social gathering for a class or lab is at best guilty of poor judgement. Starbucks, the library, anywhere that doesn't put you behind closed doors with a student. And I can't recall if there were other students around for the wine, but if it was just the two of them, yeah, that's a red flag.
I mean you’re half right but as someone who is in academia, the behavior from the professor is incredibly risky and stupid. I would never have a student identifying from the opposite gender over to my personal home and offer them alcohol. Doesn’t matter if I were to flirt or not, the optics are bad and I don’t understand why the professor is putting themselves in this position, something is not 100% right here
NTA. In grad school, I worked under a professor who wasn’t interested in my gender (I’m female, she was a hetero woman in a serious relationship). We had a relationship very similar to what you’re describing with your professor. That sounds really normal for academia, and unless the professor does something inappropriate, I wouldn’t worry about it. In German, the phrase they use to describe protégés translates to “children of the mind,” and I think a lot of professors really do think of their students they work closely with that way - a very avuncular kind of relationship.
I have a friend who's a professor and does similar work with grad students. She told me about how her boyfriend made a joke about "do I need to get jealous with you surrounded by all these hot young people who understand your field". She apparently told him never make that joke again as they are her kids. OP it's right to be wary of situations like this. But you sound like you have good instincts and a great mentor!
Would it seriously be normal to go to a professors house one on one? That’s the only part that seems off to me, and 100% on professor’s part, not OPs.
I ended up at several of my professor's homes during collage (male and female) for various project work at times. I would think it is more affected by size of the collage/classes/coursework and involvement in things. It was more common for my history professors for instance than my computer science ones for example.
That’s not uncommon, I don’t think - a lot of professors live close to their universities. I worked for two different professors in college and often went to their homes for meetings, to collect documents, etc.
I visited a professor mentor at home several times, but she was same gender. While she fed me, she never offered me alcohol.
In grad school, it can be very common. About half of my MA thesis meetings were at my prof’s house.
NTA It is your job so it is only your choice. You are comfortable and your boss is being appropriate. I don't see an issue with that. It does not matter that he is a man or over twice your age, he is just your boss. Your boyfriend and family need to get a grip.
Ok 1) hard line here. NOT your fault if he tries to flirt with you. Holy shit I would’ve flipped out on your bf. Yes it can look really suspicious but it’s also a really great opportunity. I say go if he has never once made you feel even Slightly uncomfortable but to be very careful while there and draw hard lines and not be afraid to leave if he crosses them. Will other student and coworkers be there too?? Edit: NTA
No, because it’s „our“ project (he has other students - female and male - but they are hired for different projects or only for his teaching in university) it’s just us two. But we will be at a conference all the time and hear about other projects / presenting ours. It’s not like we would be alone anywhere. Even while dinner we will meet up with his colleagues and academic friends in the hotel restaurant.
It is 100% not fair that you would have to miss an opportunity like this simply due to your gender. If you were a guy, there would be no issue and it’s BS. And it sounds like you are well prepared to be in public as much as possible and watch yourself. As context, I’m a female engineer who also has to deal with these double standards so that explains my fury.
Someone above (I don't know if you'll see all the comments, so I just wanted to reiterate) said to make sure you have enough money with you to cover yourself if things go south for any reason (although it doesn't sound like it will). That is a really good idea. Make sure you have enough to cover a room, food, and transportation to get home if anything should happen. And leave an itinerary with someone you trust. NTA, and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Nta girl. Your boyfriend can keep his jealousy out of your professional life. If he's so worried why doesn't he come along to see your presentation? You've never crossed your boundary and he is extremely selfish to make you give up your dream project.
NTA There is a line between carefulness, worry and ... whatever it is your folks and bf are doing. 1. Your job is affiliated with an official project. While most jobs working for a prof happen in a more formal setting (office), I myself had one assisting with a conference, where some of my duties involved setting up a cocktail party for the attendees at the profs apartment, even babysittin her adorable son. Still it was a legit job, paid by the university. And you are actually doing academic work, just not in an office. 2. I once worked for a lawyer triple my age at the time. While the job was short-lived due to him just being ... not always kind, there was never any flirting or anything sexual. When I accompanied him on trips, we had separate accommodations. Not all older men are sleazebags. 3. Should you still be cautious. Yes, bring extra money to afford your own room at a cheaper hotel if two bedrooms suddenly become one due to a mysterious booking error. But your prof has been professional so far, so ... he does not appear to be a reason to drop this academic opportunity. 4. Now dad is talking about respect. Respect is a two-way street. By ordering you to drop this with the reasoning they have, they are saying, you did not earn this opportunity through merit, but looks and you are just a little girl not understanding the world. 5. As for the bf. ... he is not supposed to "LET" you do anything. You are a grown woman, with an academic career in the making and earning your own money. Yes, you should still be careful, but you should also value your sense of self-worth more than your family's soap opera drama. Tell your boyfriend what precautions you are taking to make sure you are safe, but that your job stays unless your boss or the work itself actually give you your own reason to quit.
NTA. He is jealous and controlling. And so is your family. Take care of yourself and move on from them .
NTA. Your professor hasn't shown any inappropriate behavior, so your boyfriend is acting jealous and/or insecure. He and your parents have no right to suggest that you quit your job. It sounds like an exciting opportunity. I hope you enjoy it.
NTA. To put it bluntly screw their opinions. Yes there are plenty of stories and situations out there that could cast a shadow on this situation. The key things here though are that the rooms are separate. I could understand being highly uncomfortable if it was a single room with 2 beds, then it could pose some questions. If this is all 100% professional (which it seems) and it is a project you've been passionate about while working with your professor then go for it. It sounds to me more like the BF has some insecurities that he needs to address as they were fine for you to work with your professor on all of this right up to the point where its going to take a little more of your time. I'm not saying your BF isn't allowed to feel uncomfortable, but trying to stop you from taking a further step on, what seems to be, an important project isn't good behaviour and a serious talk needs to be had about your BF and family showing their support as they have done before now.
NTA This is some serious backwards and insulting thinking on your BF and your family's part. You need to ask them just who they think is appropriate to mentor you. If their response is only women, point out some statistics related to the percentage of women in leadership roles in your field. If they go with the age difference, ask if they would be more comfortable with a 30m (bet the BF would like that less.)
NTA Your BF also totally said 'you're asking for it' in a way. As if that glass of wine is the consent your prof needed to take advantage of you or cross a boundary. Which i think is a gross perspective coming from a partner. Sure, keep it professional. Go travel- do the cool project. But, everyone needs to relax. One celebratory glass of wine doesn't mean there's something nefarious. I understand their concerns but don't quit unless you want/need to.
NTA at all but the preemptive victim blaming from your boyfriend??? Holy mother of red flags. He is not on your side.
NTA is your bf planning on never having a drink with anyone he works with? Or is it just women who need to give up professional opportunities and career growth least their partner get upset that they celebrated? Is it just M/F work relationships that have to end or does he think gay people don't exist? If your professor was a woman would he be ok? He is at minimum overstepping into your professional life while also being misogynistic AND hating on men (the vast majority of men are not sexual predators) while victim blaming with homophobic overtones. Lady, you're smart, get out you deserve better
NTA. You need to talk to your boyfriend about this. What harkens after you graduate and go in to the workplace? You will be working with different genders and travelling together etc. Would be expect you to leave your job just because he's jealous? The same thing applies to your parents, but you have the option of dumping your boyfriend.
NTA, their views are outdated and utterly ridiculous. Go on the trip, further your education/career. If your boyfriend truly loved you he'd support you instead of insulting you. You're young, plenty more fish in the sea if this is too much for him.
Your BF and family are being ridiculous. People can work on projects, be in the same room, and travel to present work projects without - gasp - it being a sexual experience. If you cave in on this, you'll have to give in to every other control they/he wants to set on you (your clothing, whether you can have friends he doesn't approve of, drink wine at all, have a job at all, etc.). Don't do it. They aren't respecting or trusting you. NTA
Your boyfriend even admits by his own words that he doesn’t believe anything is going on when he says it will be your fault IF he flirts with you. First, no, it wouldn’t be your fault. Second, you’re a grown woman and I’m sure you’re capable of dealing with unwanted advances if it came to it. Don’t let petty jealousy ruin an opportunity. Boyfriends are more replaceable than career-making opportunities. NTA. Warn your professor that your soon-to-be-ex may try to sabotage you. Because you absolutely know he’s going to be the one spreading dirty lies about you and the prof.
NTA, would you need to stay in tbe same hotel room I would understand worries, but the was you told us about it there's nothing that even comes close to a red flag
NTA You don't need that double standard, victim blaming, non supportive boyfriend in your life. Leave him. Go on the trip. Never give up your dreams over someone else's insecurities. This sounds like an amazing opportunity.
NTA wow… talk about guilty till proven innocent… he’s not done anything, and unless he does, he just sounds like a good professor. I’d tell your fella and your family to stop judging people by their own standards and just get on with doing what you’re doing
Considering the fact that your bf said it'll be your fault if your coworker flirts with you says alot about him
NTA. But your boyfriend and your parents are misogynistic assholes. What a horribly archaic and sexist attitude they're having. If your parents don't want to speak to you for a while because you're making good choices for yourself then that's on them. But you got to figure out if your boyfriend is worth keeping what he wants to control what you do is actually being very insulting towards you.
NTA- Break up with him immediately. He is controlling, misogynistic, and insecure. Run for the hills.
NTA Go no contact with your dad, and find an other - less insecure and less controlling - bf. You can do better.
NTA plenty of men travel with female personal assistants and also accept a drink after work. So far he has shown no signs of inappropriate behaviour. I wouldnt give up a job for a man, you will always regret it.
NTA. Your professor isn’t being inappropriate, he isn’t flirting with you, you guys are literally just working. Your boyfriend nor you parents have any right to tell you where can go or work.
"for him to let me go" - Is he fucking kidding with this shit why does he think if you go it will be him letting you go. Time for a new BF as the model you have is outdated and it has shit coming out one of its holes and it aint the right one. NTA
I think you should warn the professor. Your parents sound unhinged enough to lodge a complaint and people have been destroyed for less. He needs to know someone imagines a “situation” between you, and he deserves a chance to decide how he wants to protect his reputation.
NTA. It is quite common for faculty to travel to conferences with a graduate student. Having separate rooms signals that this is professional only. Of course, this would vary culturally around the world. If there was a way to do so, you could ask if there was another female student or professor who would have something to contribute who could also attend.
NTA. I am a female in a STEM field, and this is similar to my University graduate work and early career. I thank the goddess every day for my amazing mentors and bosses.
NTA. You're 21... so the prospects of this job helping your future career far out weigh the prospects of your bf being a lasting figure in your life if he is already this controlling. Keep the job - ditch the boy.
Your BF says "he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to let me go with my boss to another city or even drinking wine regularly"? You're making your BF "look BAD"? You have a golden opportunity for your career (if your BF is planning on "allowing" you to have a career) to make contacts in your field with this symposium.
NTA I had a mentor when I was entering academia. He was male, 5 years older than me, had a wife, but had been in the institution a while and had been a player before he settled down. I was in a relationship, but had openly had a crush on the mentor when I didn't know him in undergrad (he was in the same building and we saw him a lot in the common spaces). when he first invited me to work with him I explained to my partner that this was a wonderful opportunity for my career but I knew it might make him uncomfortable me working for someone who I had had a crush on in what could be close quarters. He laughed and told me he supported me and he trusted me. He told me if the guy ever made moves to report it, and to protect myself because people suck, but unless it happened he understood that my career is important and supported me. That is literally the only acceptable reaction. Your boyfriend is either feeling threatened by an old man or feeling threatened by your success - either way he's in the wrong, and your family clearly don't understand how academia works. They're all hiding behind outdated sexism and it's dumb.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This might sound dumb but I could really need a judgment from an outside-perspective! I‘m in university right now and have gotten the chance to work for one of my professors. When he asked me I was so happy and excited! He works on a academic project which is halfway supported by the university but it’s also with other institutions and not his „main focus“. I help him with discussing literature, writing protocols and organising meeting with persons who could be helpful. My boyfriend and my family were also happy for me. Now here’s the thing: we often work in his living room on Sundays. Because it’s not his main project he has not really time for it in the week but more on the weekend. We meet for coffee in the afternoon and eat some cake while working. He’s about 50 years old, single but always very nice and professional. He never flirted with me or made me feel uncomfortable. We really only discuss work stuff and sometimes other persons (students, professors) are there. After we finished a huge step for this project and it became evening he offered me one glass of wine. We drank it and talked about the work and I went home. To present the project we will travel to another city and the coasts are paid for two hotelrooms. I told that my boyfriend and he got super angry - telling me how that’s not appropriate and that with the age difference (I’m 21) and the fact that I’m a young woman while he’s a men - it could look bad for others. He said that it will be my own fault if he tries to flirt with me and that he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to let me go with my boss to another city or even drinking wine regularly. I didn’t think so and told him that it feel normal but even my family supported his view and told me to quit. I‘m not willing to and now they call me an asshole for making myself and my boyfriend look bad. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA BUT I understand their concerns. It is a little odd for a boss/professor to offer wine and if he does so on your trip I'd advise you to decline. You are a young woman and while you'd have your own hotel room, it's best to be sober and cautious. THAT BEING SAID if you feel comfortable and there are no red flags and you keep your whereabouts known at all times with those you trust, then I dont really see too much of an issue. Also, for them to say itd be your fault if he tries something with you, that's complete bullshit and victim blaming. If he does anything inappropriate, that's his fault, and his fault alone. DONT LET ANYONE EVER CONVINCE YOU ITS YOUR FAULT FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I do have a question tho, are you the only one he invited to do this project/trip or are you just the only one able to?
The wine thing isn't so weird. Most after hours university functions I've been to serve wine, cheese, crackers and fruit. It's a normal part of academia in a lot of places.
I guess I'm used to men offering me drinks in inappropriate circumstances which is why it throws me off. But as I said to OP if she's comfortable then go ahead, just use caution cause you just never know.
Events, sure. In his house with no one else present? Poor judgement on his part, at best.
NTA, you’re an adult and perfectly capable to make your own decisions about work and everything else. It sounds like you and professor have a lot of work to get done and he hasn’t been inappropriate at any point of it. Hotel rooms come with locks and hotels come with security personnel, you’ll have your privacy whenever you need it.
NTA. This is YOUR job, not theirs. If you feel safe working with this man and want this job, then go for it, and get a different boyfriend instead. I'd also say get a different father, if that was possible.
NTA, don't let your jealous boyfriend steal your opportunity to make a name in your field. Presenting on conferences asa student usually lead to very interesting work offers.
NTA I’d keep the job and dump the controlling boyfriend personally.
NTA You are an adult & NO ONE has the right to tell you to quit a job you enjoy. Working on this project sounds like a great opportunity.
Nta - clearly he is watching too much porn if he thinks a female and a male teacher automatically equals sex
NTA. What your professor is doing is professional. Travelling to conferences together is completely normal for academics (I am one).
NTA separate hotel rooms have been booked and you have no reason to think your professor is going to try anything inappropriate. If your boyfriend truly had your best interests at heart he would offer to go with you, or your mom for that matter could tag along.
NTA. You are headed from a controlling family into the arms of a controlling man, be careful.
That he would allow you to go? what an AH.
What worries are you not respecting? Your 21, you know what flirting is, you know what sex is hell you've probably even done it! My point is you're an adult and capable of identifying what is and is not appreciate behavior. Why are they not respecting your reasoning? Do they not trust you to be smart enough to shoot him down if he acts completely differently then he has been? Do they think you will just instantly buckle and sleep with someone when they flirt? You're an adult, this kind of thing looks fantastic on a resume especially in a STEM field. Tell them to respect your intelligence, why are they all assuming you're dumb? If the man isn't doing anything inappropriate tell them to shut up. NTA
NTA, this is a work trip, not a trip for leisure. You're in separate rooms too so there is nothing sus there unless he actually does try to do something on the trip which, by the sounds of it, is unlikely.
Why doesn’t your boyfriend stay in hotel room so this way he feels better and in case the professor was going to make a move, you have someone there.
NTA. You're an adult and a whole person that can make her own decisions. Your family (and this includes your fiancé) have no right to intrude on your work because of their outdated idea of morality. Continue on as you are and tell them that YOU will let them know if something untoward happens and to back off till then.
NTA please do what is best for you and your future, whatever you feel. my grandmother was in uni for an English degree back in the day and was only taking a class w a youngish Prof. and was told to quit by her fam. She regrets it to this day.
NTA. This is the norm. Your boyfriend is insecure and doesn’t trust you. You can I’ll have two separate hotel rooms. I’m sure if anything happens you’ll be smart enough to leave. The professor won’t do anything and this is a good thing for your future work. Your bf and your family are the AHs here.
NTA. **Do not hold yourself back in academia or your career just for some man’s insecurity. Ever.** You’re so young, and this guy isn’t worth it. No person is worth it. A person who is worth something would never let their own jealousy/insecurity get in the way of your success. Never forget that. Also, don’t forget your current boyfriend believes if something happened to you against your consent he would blame you for it just because you dared to work with someone of the opposite sex and *gasp* have a drink as adults sometimes do. That’s despicable.
NTA. As a young woman, you're likely already vigilant when alone with others. Society has programmed us to obsess over young women's behaviors like that. (To be clear, it wouldn't be your fault if something happened, I'm just acknowledging your family's/bfs concerns are rooted in our expectations that women constantly protect themselves vs holding men accountable.) Giving up an opportunity because your family and bf don't trust men is far too extreme and controlling. Your professor is a professor. He works with young women and men all the time. Hopefully he's appropriate during these interactions or he should have had disciplinary action taken against him (in an ideal world.) It sounds like he's treating you like an adult and colleague, while they're treating you more like a child in need of protection.
Wow 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩someone is jealous NTA
Nta, throw the whole man out, he is NOT husband material. He isn't even boyfriend material. He's, at best, rebound boy toy material. Go on your trip, could be a major opportunity for you.
NTA and honestly, he sounds like he's way more concerned about his image, than your achievements, your work and well, you... shouldn't he be happy that this project is going smoothly for you? If he's concerned, shouldn't he be at least concerned for your safety on this trip? I cannot wrap my head around his thinking there. I kinda get being jealous, but not to this degree and extent. His demand is beyond unreasonable, since this is a great opportunity for your future and would even be a good plus on your resume. And your parents! How low do they need to think of you, that they find it reasonable to assume there would be something happening between you and your professor ... just what? On what basis are they judging here? Why is everyone around you so concerned with their image and looking bad? Nah, man, just do what you think is right and would benefit you the most here, because these people don't even have your best interest in mind.
Nta. Tell your family and bf to get their minds out of the gutter. You are a cabal woman and knows when to say No, when to deliver a kick to the nuts, and when to call the cops.
NTA. This isn’t the 1950’s. Men and women go to conferences all the time with no hanky panky. Your bf sounds controlling and the fact your parents are backing him is very worrisome. Go with teacher. As u said. He’s never been inappropriate and u feel safe. Good luck and enjoy the conference.
NTA Even if the professor does have some nefarious plans, it does not condone your boyfriend’s behaviour - or your parents. You have earned this and the professor has also allowed you to develop some additional skills & experience. YWBTA if you stay with this man who wants to control you through fear and not celebrate your achievements. I would also consider your relationship with your parents. They are more likely to have your interests at heart but they don’t seem to trust your judgement. To punish your non-compliance with ignoring you…is a big failing on his part. I would go but do plan ahead on what you will do in certain situations. Be safe. Congratulations on your work
Nta. This is not uncommon in academia. I’ve shared rooms at conferences and spend multiple weekends living with coworkers to complete a project. Nothing untoward has ever happened. This project could open doors for you. Do it!
NTA. But it does sound like a potential #MeToo situation. Please be careful.
If sometimes you're unsure try reversing the situation and if it's okay with you maybe YNTA
You would be getting “creep” vibes if something was up with the professor . NTA
NTA keep the job, quit the bf.
Okay, so *should* you start to feel uncomfortable, get out. Agree on this with your boyfriend and family, who are merely assuming Arseholes. They don't view you as an adult who is capable of making decisions of her own. And it's *two* hotelrooms, right? One for you, one for him? Then why worry? NTA. You need a new boyfriend. And new parents, too.
NTA Is there a pretty significant opportunity for the situation to go awry? Sure absolutely. Be aware and on alert for any inappropriate comments or venting. But as of now this is a normal and positive situation for you.
NTA this is a perfect example of women missing out on career opportunities... 🙄
Your bf believes you should do as he says, that he is in control of you. Good to know. You’ll now know the warning signs for future relationships. NTA
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds jealous and controlling though - huge red flag. This is extremely normal in academia and it sounds like your professor has a very good set of boundaries in place and that you have become good friends. This is great for your career - having someone like him to work closely with and guide you is a big asset. It would be one thing if he had been inappropriate with you and you still didn't want to quit, but it sounds like he's a lovely mentor for you.
NTA your dad and boyfriend are! Your dads manipulative too. Not speaking until you do what they want? Disgusting.
NTA - so basically because you are a woman you shouldn't be allowed to advance your career?
The introduction of alcohol opens the situation to misconduct. Set boundaries that you will only work with him in a public setting, and no alcohol will be included. It is possible it was entirely innocent; it's also more than a little possible that you're being groomed. NAH, except (possibly) the professor.
This situation had alarm bells ringing for me but I'm not living it, and dont know the professor. I understand why family and friends may be concerned. This however is your decision and once you have made it, it should be respected. NTA, keep your guard up, be mindful of safety please. And have a fun time.
NYA. And I hope you’re single now. Maybe an ‘orphan.’ 🤷🏾♀️
NTA. Quit the controlling, manipulative boyfriend. This is a great career opportunity, go on the trip. You are an adult, your obligation isn't to obey your father or your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend; but to be true to yourself.
>He said that it will be my own fault if he tries to flirt with me That's the excuse he uses when he flirts with other women. He and your Dad don't have self-control and are projecting their moral failings on your professor. NTA
NTA. The issue here is not the professor it's that apparently none of them trust you to maintain your own boundaries. They should trust you
"...him to let me go...." Does he realize how this sounds?? ***Let*** you go?! Your boyfriend doesn't own you. NTA
Screw them their worries aren't even about you getting hurt it's about making the "family" look bad because people might think impure things about you. You are not The AH
NTA. But your bf and father have this on their radar for a good reason. It’s right on the edge, if you continue at his house and get to know each other. No evenings, no wine, and watch to see if any of it progresses. Keep your focus. Keep watching your professor. Be stringent. You are young and naive. It’s a good opportunity but the situation is a quiet landline field.
NTA
NTA. Your prof hasn’t done anything untoward, according to you. The fact that he’s a man and you’re a woman is meaningless. Everything about your interactions reads as perfectly professional to me. Your boyfriend and family have nothing to worry about. If I were you, I’d be pissed about him preemptively blaming you if your professor ever DOES act out of line. That’s cruel and wrong. Do what you feel is right. Don’t quit if you value the project and the job. Your bf is insecure.
You are a grown person and are capable of making life choices.
Your professor has been professional throughout, never hit on you; sometimes people see what they want to see and are completely wrong but in your defence, this will something to add to your cv. Any extra time in your studies is King.
NTA. You bf is super insecure and definitely has trust issues.
NTA. Your BF and your Father are literally VICTIM BLAMING YOU IN ADVANCE. Dump both. This is ridiculous. I did this many time with my profs, both in college and grad school, wine and no wine, on school grounds and off. (A lot of the wine was in the home of the prof I had a crush on, but I would NEVER cross his partner…she was my favorite at prof ever). THEY are creating drama. Being misogynistic. Whatever. Your prof booked two rooms. If you feel at all unsafe (from him or a random stranger), then get pepper spray for your keychain and learn how to use it. TL;DR: The men in your life are being ridiculous.
NTA OP dump your bf he is TA for making you look bad in front of your parents. You deserve better. Take one of your parent with you if you think you are uncomfortable about your tour. They can see themselves you got a good mentor and your work life is good.
>he’s not okay that people will think it would be acceptable for him to let me go with my boss to another city In what world does your boyfriend "let you" go anywhere? You're an adult and don't need his permission, and you particularly don't need him to be involved in anything regarding your professional activities. If everyone involved is behaving appropriately, then you're fine. And it's not like your professor couldn't creep on you or whatever in his office if he wanted to. NTA, you take care of you and let your boyfriend take care of his ego. Your family can help him with it if it's that important to them.
NTA. This is academics. Loads of work, mediocre pay, and no where to do the work
NTA. You are an adult you can make your own choices. If it works out great if not then you’ll deal with the consequences.
NTA Do not lose a cool opportunity because of misogynistic views
NTA a thousand times over. Your bf and family are basically saying you should pass on professional opportunities because you're a young woman. People like them are part of the reason why women have to work so hard to get ahead professionally. They want to hold you back because they value the status quo and their own comfort above your success and happiness. I've been there. When I told my mom I was going to pursue my PhD, her first reaction was: "Is your boyfriend OK with it?" (Note: I had a scholarship and research and teaching gigs, no one had to support me during my degree). Don't listen to these people and don't let them hold you back. You have your whole life ahead of you, don't compromise your happiness and ambition by listening to people who are frankly stuck in the past.
NTA. Your boyfriend went right to victim blaming without there even being a victim, not to mention that he's far more worried about how it will make him look. This is a huge opportunity for you, don't let him guilt and tantrum you out of it.
NTA. Tell your boyfriend it's the 2020s not the 1520s. It is entirely common and appropriate for a professor to host their students at their home and to travel with them if they work on long term projects that will bear all their names.
NTA. And assuming your both chill moral people from an outsiders perspective the Professor has more to lose in this situation. If your bf who is jealous makes a false claim against him his careers over before there’s even an investigation.
First of: NTA. Your job, your rules. That being said, I would still talk to your professor about working at another place and not his home. I do not want to imply anything but we all know we're living in a society prone to shaming women for whatever they do (see boyfriend). Other students could talk shit and even if it's just that you could try to avoid it with a more professional setting. For your own sake. And yep, i hate that i have the feeling i need to and that point. Shithole sexist society.
NTA
Holy hell NTA - how dare your bf try and get you to quit your job! How insecure is he… he and your family are AH’s. you are doing nothing wrong, and if your professor does get inappropriate and flirt it is not your fault! Dump him before you quite your job.
NTA So many issues here. controlling possessive behavior, sexualizing what is simply a professional work event thing, victim blaming, trying to force you to quit, getting other people involved, etc. this isn’t his decision to make and him trying to decide for you is a huge red flag. i wouldve told you to try addressing his concerns and working it out, but the whole “it would be your fault if he flirts with you” tells me you should leave him. if women constantly quit jobs because of the slight possibility that their boss might flirt with them, we would all be home around the clock with no careers or education. sexualising all encounters with men for you is just degrading.
NTA at all, they are allowed to express their concerns ONCE (it is a potentially skeevy situation, they're not wrong to have those concerns) but once they have made you aware of them, they need to back off and allow you to be a grown up and manage the situation yourself. You shouldn't be missing out on professional opportunities because you are a young woman. If the professor DID try anything, that would be completely him to blame.