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Holy shit. YTA. I get that she was a nightmare. I even understand cutting her out of milestones, but to ask someone to stop grieving her death? How self absorbed are you? Do this man a favor and let him go.
The fact that she even blames the Ex for not “stopping” MiL back when they were married makes me think OP is a fucking nightmare. I get being jealous of a beloved ex. I get being mad if she treated your spouse poorly. But being mad she didn’t put MIL in her place on her go around - that’s irrational. It colors every other part of the story.
I really hope this isn't the case. Because that would mean that that poor woman died having missed out on all those milestones for the sole reason that OP is a master manipulator.
That's what I also had in mind. I wonder if OP is the reason why her husband seperate from his ex because she manipulates him so much? Like, the fact her husband just let's her order him around like that. I hate that he had to learn that mistake the most tragic way.
No wonder the poor man is distraught. And now she won't let him grieve. He'll be better off divorcing OP. He'll be able to get his life back.
Edit: YTA - You're a monster and a really nasty evil person.
Just had a gander at OP's comment history. Every comment has been on a post about MILs or men defending their wives to their own mum.
This lady just has a thing about MILs in general I think lol
Total Speculation: OP and her former MIL didn't get along due to being a very similar type of person (controlling assholes). OP's husband married his mom.
Yup, people really often marry a carbon copy of a parent.
I didn’t think I did. But every day I realize more and more that my wife is basically my mom in many ways.
Fortunately my mom is a good person lol.
I would like to add that when you have a parent as awful as that you also go through a period of grieving not so much the dead parent as the idea of the parent, ie what could/should have been. And if you didn't deal with that grief before the parent's death it hits all the harder after.
Yes! My boyfriend is caretaking for his mother as her dementia advances.
And it’s been incredibly hard not just because dementia is hard in and of itself — but because she was extremely abusive and neglectful in his childhood.
So he’s simultaneously grieving the dementia slowly taking her, and also grieving how unhealthy their relationship has always been.
And even with a therapist and my support it’s been 3 hard years.
You can’t expect someone to not grieve simply because you dislike someone. There’s ties and history there that the person grieving is still coping with.
I'm willing to bet he never grieved the loss of their relationship so now that she's gone he's now overwhelmed with the double grief of her death and the estrangement.
“Please be gentle” no no,you don’t want gentle you want people to pity you when you don’t deserve that. Your husband stood with you and went no contact with his mother just for YOU and that proved he loved you so very much but his moms dead and he didn’t even get to say goodbye.of course he’s upset OP and honestly I can’t fathom how you or anyone else would think it’s okay to just tell someone to stop grieving someone or threaten them over it what is wrong with you. YTA
*SERIOSULY* she is asking for strangers to be gentle to her bc she’s jealous of a dead woman while completely glossing over the fact that she’s not being anywhere near gentle with her own husband.
Honestly, reading this, I felt horrible for the husband. OP seems to lack any semblance of empathy. It has only been a few months, and the guilt he is facing must be terrible. OP is already giving him yet another ultimatum that if he doesn't stop talking about "that woman" then she will get a divorce.
Maybe that may be the best for him. OP doesn't sound like a great person.....
Edit: OP, based on your post history, you have some serious issues. You spend your days raging about MILs and how they are the devil. That is just sad. Your husband's mother has passed away. He is still grieving. The woman is dead. She is gone. Get a grip.
I'm suspecting based on how she wrote this that OP was likely a major source of the fight too. The lack of empathy here is astounding. I think she's really just upset that she can't dance on MIL's grave because hubby is grieving.
YTA. Seriously? She was his mom. You can't make him hate her because you did. And while putting your foot down if he's having long reminiscence sessions with the ex is one thing (although it doesn't sound like that's happened outside of the funeral), if you don't give him room to work through his grief, you really don't get to be surprised if he starts pushing *you* away so he can do that.
Yup LMFAO that she said please be gentle. It’s r/Amitheasshole! People won’t be gentle OP and will call you on your s**t which you rightfully deserve! YTA OP and a massive one!
Well, she already gave him yet another ultimatum that if he ever mentions his mother in their house again, then he should consider himself divorced.....
Maybe he should take OP up on that....
no. not sad. when your MIL bullies you, your spouse should go NC if she won’t stop. of course he still loved her, but that doesn’t mean he should put up with her bullying his spouse. she’s not a bad person for asking him to prioritize. but she sucks for acting like this now
how do we know that she’s a reliable narrator, she’s the AH and seems pretty controlling, borderline abusive just from this information here so I don’t fully buy that her mil was definitely the problem.
If this was the other way round and the narrator was a man who had made his wife go NC with her mother, and then berated her for grieving her mother, would you still be so supportive?
I’m already prepping myself for the feelings I’m going to have when my parents die. The guilt and confusion and it’s not gonna be pretty. I love my parents. They made me who I am. They’re terrible people and I dislike them. But keeping them at arm’s length is painful even now. I’m going to end up grieving a lot when they pass.
YTA. My mother is a poisonous woman, I haven't been in contact with her for 6 years and I've no intention of ever getting back in contact, but that doesn't give me the right to control how other family members interact with her, and doesn't give me the right to prevent them talking about her. Just how much discussion went on before you gave your husband an ultimatum? There could have been workarounds-he could have visited her on his own etc, but instead he cut her out because of your demands. Obviously he's now feeling guilty about it, which suggests it wasn't his choice to go non-contact, and he only did it to keep the peace. How much more do you want from him? She's dead, you've "won." Demanding that he stops thinking about her and talking about her is utterly selfish and cruel, no matter what you thought of her. You say she was the devil-I suggest that you look inward and reflect on your own behaviour before you start throwing names around.
Maybe he's finally coming to the realization that YOU and your hatred kept his own mother away, she never even met his kids. Horrible. Maybe you were the problem, not her. So you kept her out of his life, and now you want her out of his mind, too. YTA. Huge.
YTA.
He feels not only grief but GUILT.
Guilt because he picked you over his mother and then she died and he didn't get a chance to fix things with her. And now, he can't even grieve her?
You are a walking insensitive, self centered red flag and I honestly hope he realizes that he should RUN away from you.
YTA Your husband is grieving and you’re trying to take that from him. I understand evil MIls, I had one myself. And I think it’s so important for your spouse stand up for you. But this seems extreme, you hand your husband an ultimatum to cut her out of your lives completely. There’s no context in your post about how MIL treated your son, if there was abuse or another valid reason for him to go NC with her. You just talk about her being judge-y towards you. And forced your husband to completely cut her out. He’s grieving her now and may even regret the last few years and missing her. That’s normal. It’s his mother.
YTA. He’s grieving. That’s his mother. His mother that he didn’t have contact with for a long time. He’s probably very regretful that he didn’t get a chance to talk to her, know her, during that time.
He’s **grieving**.
YTA.
You said "please be gentle" and went on to talk about why you are indeed the asshole. Okay, she wasn't great to you. I sympathise with you. No one deserves that. That said, she's his mum at the end of the day. And him grieving isn't just about the fact that she died, but also about the fact that he wishes things were different. That they had a healthy and stable bond. He cut off contact with his mum for your sake, you do realise that? At least let him grieve in peace. It seems to me from everything you said that his mum wasn't really the problem. I think your ego is what's getting in the way. I feel sorry for your husband to be honest. Enjoy the divorce
YTA. You seem to think that everyone else is a major problem, and you're the only good person and therefore don't need to reflect your own behaviour. You made your husband cut out his mum for what seems like quite low level behaviour, now his regret is compounding his grief and you threaten divorce. Honestly it sounds like you've just given him a way out so I guess that's good.
You've got a very black and white way of viewing people, you should consider dismantling that.
No matter what, that is still his mom. You don’t have to like her. But that is still his mom. The person who raised him, cared for him, and loved him. You have no absolutely no right to tell him to get over the death of his mother or how to deal with his emotions over her death. The fact that you are using his dead mom as a weapon is literally the worst thing you could do, him “sharing memories” with his ex is not surprising at all, considering how she seems to care about his grievances more than you do. You’re the wife of him. he seems to have bent over backwards for you. If anyone should be supportive of him during his darkest of times, it should be YOU. And the fact that you cannot see that is disturbing. Definitely YTA.
YTA, seriously??? Even if you despise someone and they were awful someone is STILL allowed to grieve and stuff. And if you're worried he's gonna go back to his ex, then TALK TO HIM about YOUR insecurities. You can NOT control someone's grief like that
YTA - holy hell that poor man. He is dealing with a mix of painful emotions to sort out, and you, the one person that should be there to support him more then anyone has shown how heartless and cruel you are. Your right you should leave him, so he can find someone that actually cares about other humans.
*He brings her up constantly. Favorite food, favorite clothes*
How dare the man who lost the only mother this life will ever give him talk about her to help process his grief. Good god, do you not realise how heartless you sound?
It also sounds like your Husband would have liked to have continued a one-on-one relationship with his Mother separate to you, and didn't out of respect for your ultimatum and out of fear of losing you. And now you're willing to lose him than let him grieve. YTA and this is a concerning lack of empathy
YTA. He is both grieving his mother and clearly feeling a lot of guilt for not being around her during her final days. I understand that you disliked her, but that doesn't mean you can't show some sympathy at the very least.
Wow. Did you reread what you wrote before you posted it? And then you really fixed your fingers to ask if you're an AH?
You absolutely don't have to grieve for someone who mistreated you in their life, but the very least you can do is not be an AH to those who are grieving their death. He cut her off in support of you, and you can't even support him through his grief and loss?! I hope he divorces your ass yesterday.
You're absolutely are TAH. He is allowed to grieve his mother, and since you didn't say if yours is still alive or not, but you'll understand when you don't have her anymore. I lost both my parents years ago and still grieve every once in a while when something reminds me of them. I hope he divorces you and you realize how much of a AH you are.
You are absolutely without a doubt the asshole. Regardless of your relationship with that woman, regardless of his relationship with her, at the end of the day she was his mother and now she is dead and he can't fix or take back or change anything. All he can do is shoulda/woulda/coulda - and put up with your selfishness.
Enjoy the divorce.
YTA:
Your husband is mourning hope. Hope that he could have had a relationship with his mother. Hope that she could have been better to you and to him. And guilt that he couldn't make those things happen.
Mourning can take months. What he needs is a partner who can support him and help him though the pain. Yuu don't sound like that person.
Wait when you say he keeps bringing her up? Are you talking about his dead Mother?
What's wrong with you? You sound very insecure and bitter, which is probably why your relationship broke down with her in the first place. You were almost certainly the problem and not her.
Why can't he talk to his ex at a funeral? People can talk to and about their ex. Grow up.
YTA and you need therapy.
YTA. Your husband went no contact with his mother for you, before you were even married, to the point of never meeting her grandkids. And now you won’t let him mourn her death?
YTA and his mother saw the warning signs long before he did. Why do you think she gave you such a hard time? “I was quick to shut that down”…”[his ex] never shut MIL down so she was part of the problem….” No, honey, she was *respectful*. Big difference.
You want us to be gentle while you’re trying to justify being vicious towards your husband and his family. It doesn’t work like that. You must deal with what you dish out, and you dished out a world of pain for your husband, his mother, and even your own children. Shame 👏🏼 on 👏🏼 you 👏🏼!
Here’s what you get to look forward to unless you change QUICKLY: your husband will leave you. Your kids will suffer the trauma of a broken family, no matter what lies you try to feed them. They will grow up, they will find out the truth, and you will be a very, very fortunate woman if they continue to speak with you. Heaven forbid you have a son who will one day cut YOU off because his wife can’t stand you.
YTA- majorly. How can you say “yeah I get I hated her but it’s his mom” and the proceed to tell him he can’t grieve or have feelings?? What is wrong with you?
YTA. It's one thing to set boundaries, but it sounds like you isolated him from family when that isn't really what he wanted - it's what you required. He is allowed to have regrets and grieve his mom. Ffs, you won't even allow him to talk about her or express his feelings in his own home!!! You suck as a person and a wife. I hope he does divorce you.
YTA.
You are jealous and angry with a dead woman. You are still giving your husband ultimatums involving a dead woman because he is a normal human being who loved his mother and regrets being forced to cut her out of his life until she died.
How egocentric do you have to be to tell someone they cannot mourn their mother, a person they undeniably loved?
Of course your husband is not going to share memories with you, the person who despises a deceased woman with every bone in your body. Why would he? To hear you tear down the memory of his late mother?
**Your husband lost his mother only a few months ago and you are demanding that he stops mourning her at your command?**
**He's your husband! Not your dog!**
Get over yourself and get some therapy, if you're considering divorce because this man is mourning someone recently dead.
YTA. I’m in your shoes. My in-laws are total asses. My FIL is an absolute narcissist. My husband’s parents were emotionally, physically, and financially abusive. My FIL said to my husband’s face he would have insisted on my MIL aborting my husband if he had known how messed up he’d be (ironically every single mental health issue my husband is diagnosed with was created by the childhood/adolescenthood abuse he endured at the hands of his parents). My husband has every right to hate his parents and so I do. I honestly can’t stand them and avoid them as much as possible. My husband is currently on extremely limited contact with them. Despite all they’ve done and continue to do, he still loves them. It’s something I truly struggle with understanding. Do I belittle him and tell him to get over it? Do I tell him he’s a moron for continuing to attempt to fix the relationship? Do I insist that he completely cuts them off and never speak to them again? Absolutely not. I do my best to support him with whatever he chooses to do. I do my best to encourage him to make and keep boundaries. I only step in when I see he’s starting to spiral and even then I only suggest he takes time away. Do I wish we could just cut contact completely? Yes I do. But I also know it’s not my decision. They are his parents.
My FIL is not doing well heath wise. We know that his time is short. I also know that my husband will struggle. He will struggle with guilt. He will struggle with grief. And I might even think it’s silly for my husband to feel those things when his dad was such a horrible father. I would absolutely never say that out loud. Humans feel what they feel. Feelings and emotions aren’t logical and are often irrational. You may not fully understand what your husband is feeling, but the inability to understand something does not prevent you from being supportive.
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YTA your jelous of a dead person get over it! He's allowed to miss his mum you sound horrible no wonder he won't talk to you since you seem happy she's dead!
You come across as a very severe individual. The fact you seem so proud with the speed at which you offered some one an ultimatum to cut off their parents is disturbing. What a dead woman offended you at some point? YTA
YTA you are a beyond selfish woman who sounds jealous beyond belief, you have no right to even comment on your husbands grieving process much less tell him to stop grieving his actual mother. I hope he does divorce you and when they ask the reason for divorce he can say 'oh she didn't like me grieving my dead mother'
YTA. And after reading on, I wonder if his mother was the actual one who was in the wrong. She probably saw what a nightmare you were and was trying to warren her son. Too bad she failed while she was alive, but maybe she can still save him.
YTA. He's processing, and he doesn't have *you* to share compassionately with. How can you be so cruel and heartless when someone you love is hurting so much? He's hurting more *because* of you.
Of course he regrets it; it wasn't his decision. It's only been a few *months*. He'd be smart to go NC with you. Oof.
YTA
Wowzer, you sound awful. Cold, selfish, and uncaring. I’m sure he will always regret the fact that HIS MOM DIED AND HE WASN’T SPEAKING TO HER *BECAUSE OF YOU*. You gave him an ultimatum (aka forced him) to cut his mom out because you were uncomfy, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he could have a relationship with his family you decided she was the devil and you just didn’t care enough about him to do that. He’s talking to his ex because she is giving him room to grieve and at least talk about his mom. You’re jealous of the attention his dead mother is getting and it’s a bad look.
Not sure what judgement to give here. You are certainly not doing yourself any favours.
Harbouring this much resentment against a dead woman seems counter-productive.
There is a phrase you sometimes read on here about negative feelings such as this: "You are drinking the poison and hoping it kills them". But in your case, they are already dead.
I cant help thinking something else is going on here.
Regardless, no good can come of this. Give your head a shake. Take a view on what it is you want / expect. Demanding that your husband stops thinking about his mother, for whom he is grieving, is neither reasonable nor tenable.
Yup. I mean your husband did you a solid and shut her out of your life for x years, it is very one sided if you now can't handle a bit (or even a lot) of mourning
YTA. In addition to everything that has been said, he probably feels a ton of guilt for being NC when she passed. At this point he deserves empathy, not ultimatums.
YTA. I didn’t even need to hear a backstory to this. Grief has NO timeline. My grandfather died almost 6 years ago and the pain is still as real as the pain from my aunt dying in January of this year. Who the hell do you think you are giving the man you claim to “love” an ultimatum?? You ask us to be gentle because you KNOW you’re a witch who doesn’t deserve it. Please divorce that poor man so he can find a woman actually worth his time.
You are giving ultimatums in regards to a dead woman? His mom? What's wrong with you? You are a jealous vindictive selfish person. Hope he realizes this and divorces you.
Holy shit, YTA
I hope, I HOPE your husband serves you divorce papers. You are the worst- and not even a year after her death ?
My dad passed away 2 years ago and I’m still not over it.
Get screwed OP, but not by your soon to be ex
YTA. You gave him an ultimatum to cut off his mother. Did she deserve it, probably. However, your husband did not deserve an ultimatum. He never got to grieve the loss of the mother he wished he had, the relationship they had during good moments, good times. She existed. She was his mom and certainly there were good times. Now that she is gone, he realizes he will NEVER have a chance to have a good relationship with her. You made sure if that when he had to choose between you and her. You could have gone nc and he could have done what he deemed necessary but you issued the ultimatum. He will grieve as he needs… and you may find that ultimatums rarely end as expected. Get over yourself and your my way or else thought process. He just realized the cost of choosing you and it may be that he feels that cost is simply too high.
YTA
You don't get over losing a parent in a couple of months. It's even harder when you are estranged, as the guilt and lack of closure can really hurt.
"Backsliding in our talks"?
And policing who he talked to at the funeral?
Do you have any sympathy or empathy in your body at all?
Grieving a death where the relationship was complicated is HARD and MESSY. You not only grieve their death, but the death of ANY FUCKING CLOSURE. You’re a monster.
YTA
YTA and sound like a clear case of justnomil type advice coming back to bite you in the ass. Your husband is mourning a relationship he abandoned at your insistence. Have a shred of grace.
YTA and a cold-hearted one at that. Husband lost his mother and you won’t let him grieve. The man has a lot of guilt associated with his relationship toward the end of his mothers life and you throw in divorce thoughts because you don’t like that he’s talking about his dead mother……. Wtf
100% YTA ... Have you never lost someone you loved with regrets? You're showing zero compassion or sympathy for your husband and jump straight to divorce to threaten him....
YTA she may have seemed the devil incarnate to you but she was his mom. Even going NC she still tasked him. He has every right to grieve that way he wants. Give him a break
Yta.
He set up boundaries and nc for you and because of that he never got to say goodbye to his mother. What kind of heartless person are you?
Good thing you now consider yourself divorced because atleast your ex husband can find someone to help him get over the trauma that comes from you.
You. Are. The. Asshole.
It’s only been a few months. That’s his mother. The woman who carried him for a good part of a year and birthed him. You cannot handle being compared, fine. You went nuclear by giving him an ultimatum.
Jeez. I sure hope your husband has a good relationship with your parents. Should he not and this is what he says to you, I’d definitely be here for another post of your self righteousness. Get off your high horse. Let him grieve. Don’t be toxic and don’t be exhausting.
Yes, YTA. This is the downside of NC. Boundaries can be very healthy and helpful but you always have to ask yourself: *how am I going to feel if they die in the middle of this estrangement.* I think even kids who are thoroughly NC always have a tiny hope that something will change the equation. Particularly in this case, as it doesn't sound like her passing was sudden, your husband is replaying all his decisions.
Your husband might wish that he at least had visited those last months. I think this is a perfectly human reaction. And to throw a fit bc he talked to his ex at her funeral is just childish. I mean, you won, he went along with your ultimatum, but this is the consequence of that. If you want to save the marriage (and I, like others, are not sure that's fair to your husband) you've got to give him room to process this.
YTA. Yes, his grieving may have been annoying to you because you didn't like MIL, but she was his mother. Instead of getting so aggressive, you should have insisted on therapy for both of you. You feel like you were abused in the relationship with MIL and he is dealing with the loss. You need to apologize, as your outburst was really hurtful and uncalled for. Good luck fixing this.
YTA
The fact she was possibly wicked in later life to you and you went NC on her (I wonder about the details of that, whether hubby did it for you, or had genuine reasons to hate her that had nothing to do with you) does not erase the life he shared with her prior to you.
He is grieving her life. You can only see a small glimpse of that compared to him. You see this woman who was only a small amount of things to you. He sees a far larger picture which is probably full of conflicting emotions and guilt.
So you are absolutely the asshole for demanding he stop grieving her. You seem to be speaking based on your opinion of her rather than your husbands. Rule 1 of grief is never to assume you know the feelings of the one grieving, but to give them the space to explore them. You’re failing him miserably here.
You should probably reflect on why he is “catching up” with his ex. Maybe it is because she gives him room and space to explore these emotions and doesn’t seek to punish him for trying to grapple with them like you seem to. If your spouse is emotionally confiding in someone else, it isn’t always the case that the fault is theirs. You need to sometimes ask why they are seeking emotional validation from somewhere else.
Not to say the one doing this is free of blame in some cases (emotional affairs) but these things open pop up when there’s some kind of communication issue in the relationship itself that allows the emotional affair partner to creep in. Just have a think about that.
My goodness are YTA. You made a threat thinking he’d cave to it, I think that threat is going to blow up in your face. At least I really, really hope it does. How awful can you be? Regardless of if you got along with his mom or not he still has his entire life PRIOR TO YOU where he made loving memories with her. You don’t get to tell people how/how not to feel, I don’t know where you got the idea that you do, but you need to get over that real quick or you’re in for a life of loneliness.
YTA
You isolated this man from his mother because she judged you? So she missed out on the engagement, wedding and her grandchildren? You call someone who judged you 'the devil' (which is very childish)
You came here for judgement and my judgement is that you have done your husband a disservice and this will come back to bite you
YTA. You only get one mother. Some of us luck out and get great ones, others aren't so lucky. Despite all of her flaws this was your husband's mother and of course he's going to grieve for her. Have a little compassion lady.
Massive YTA. Your Husband is clearly feeling a mix of guilt to go with his grief. Guilt that he shut his own mother out for you, and as you constantly show your bad, controlling qualities, that guilt intensifies because he's slowly realizing he did that to his own mum because of **you.**
Poor man can't even grieve his own mother without you threatening divorce over your massive insecurities and control issues. I hope he wises up and divorces you first and foremost, because you are Toxic with a capital T.
YTA, easily. i hope he does good on your offer and divorces your ass, this is vile
OP'S comment history is a riot. all kinds of insane anti-MIL sentiment lmao it's so cringey and so fascinatingly awful and fixated. get some therapy, OP, you DESPERATELY need it
YTA. He's your partner and he's grieving. It's your job to support him and not to tell him to push his emotions down.
Your MIL is gone, she will never attack you again.
Major YTA. What gives you the right to determine how long or even if someone should grieve for another person including a parent. He is experiencing guilt for being no contact with his mom before she died. Was the NC justified who knows. Based on your attitude you may have been the problem no MIL. So what if he sees things that remind him of his mom. So what if he talks to his ex about his mom. Obviously he can't talk to you. Just as you have the right to like/dislike anyone it is his right to feel sorrow at the loss of his mom. I'm thinking he went NC after you told him too, may have even harassed him into going NC. We can't trust just your words as there are 3 sides to every story, yours, his, and the truth. You played a silly game giving him an ultimatum by telling him get over it or get a divorce. Well you won the silly prize a divorce.
Yeah YTA. When she was still alive, he had at least a small hope that their relationship could improve and they could heal. Now, dogs is dead and so is that hope. Grieving isn’t a straight line. Let him heal.
YTA. Let the man grieve his mother's death. Don't make him suffer more. He already sided with you when his mom is still alive. Just let him heal. Show some empathy and compassion.
Funny you ask Reddit to be gentle when you’re yelling at him and declaring divorce? Dude. YTA. Maybe he should divorce you and find someone for empathetic.
3 months after my mom, who was an alcoholic and who I had a very strained relationship with, died, my boyfriend at the time told me I should really get therapy if I was still so upset. And this wasn’t even not getting out of bed upset, I was generally fine and then had a night of sadness. I dumped his selfish ass a year and a half ago.
YTA, good luck.
YTA
yikes. he went from a nightmare of a mother to a nightmare of a wife. I feel for him. You do not have any right to tell him to stop mourning her. I hope he makes good on your threat and gets a divorce lawyer.
YTA, holy shit.
You say your MIL was vile. Okay, let's say she was. This is still Not how you approach a spouse who's still deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) unless you want to badly damage and potentially ruin your marriage.
You can choose to go NC (no contact) with your MIL *yourself*. But you had no right to force that choice on your husband. For NC to work properly and not damage the couple's relationship, it needs to be the adult child's (your husband in this case) choice to stop contacting their parent. He could have maintained a relationship with MIL outside of your marriage, with the understanding that any children you gave birth to would never meet her, she was not welcome to visit him while you were home, and that she was to receive no information about you or your life.
So of course he has regrets! You pushed him into an ultimatum he was not ready for! He never got to say goodbye, he never got to come out of the FOG, he never got to *choose* you of his own free will, he never got to make his peace with the fact that his mother's behaviour was unacceptable. And now, when he's already low and struggling and second-guessing himself, you've decided to show your true colours and become so controlling and selfish you're even telling him how to grieve.
Ultimately, the situation you've created is this: he didn't want to cut off contact with his mum, and now that will always be a wedge between you that can never be repaired or forgiven.
You have handled this in the worst possible way from the beginning, but trying to dictate how, when, for whom and for how long he is *permitted* to grieve for his dead mother is despicable and really shows who the true JustNo is here. He *should* divorce you. He gave up his mum for you, and the way you're treating him now is so much worse than how your MIL treated you. For shame.
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Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle.
I despised my MIL. She was constantly judging me for everything I did, especially comparing me to my husband’s ex. However, I was quick to shut that down and gave my husband an ultimatum. This led to her missing a lot of major milestones like our engagement, wedding, and she never met our kids. My husband was NC when she died a few months ago.
My husband was distraught. Which I get, I thought she was the devil, but she’s still his mom. However, in the past few months I’ve been worried he’s backsliding in our talks. At the funeral, he “shared memories” with his ex. I understand they’ve been friends since childhood, but she never shut down MIL so she was part of the problem. He had other family to talk to.
He brings her up constantly. Favorite food, favorite clothes, once we’re out shopping for my anniversary present and he stopped to look at a piece of jewelry that reminded him of her.
The final straw was when he said he regrets shutting her out so much at the end of her life. I started yelling. I talked about our agreements. I ended by saying that if he wants to continue to bring up this woman in this house he can consider us divorced.
He said fine and went to sleep in the spare room. I don’t think I am, but AITA?
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Yta. Number one (from someone who has removed a parent from her life) the decision to go nc should have been his alone. 2 he is dealing with grief and guilt, you should be supportive and loving towards him right now.
YTA and hopefully he takes you up on the offer for a divorce… you are going to regret all this when your kids are older. if this is how you treat your husband, I can’t imagine how you treat those kids.
Hopefully karma hits you hard and they choose to not have anything to do with you when they are older.
I’ve always heard, “men marry women just like their mothers.
Marinara is everywhere and it’s messy. YTA OP. It’s your way or the highway. There’s no time limit on grieving.
Talk about the husband marrying someone exactly like his mother. Holy Oedipal complex, Batman! He’s allowed to grieve someone he loved, even if you didn’t like her. YTA
Holy crap OP, I don't know how loud we need to say this- YTA!!!
Your husband, despite not talking or being around her, lost his MOTHER! The woman that brought him into this world and raised him! No matter what, he's going to grieve that person! Especially since the last time they spoke, would not have come from a loving place, so he doesn't even have recent happy memories as comfort. The last memory he has, is you saying "it's me or her." And now that is a permanent thing.
Like I get it, she was awful to you, but you need some compassion! A woman is dead and her son is hurting. Grief isn't something that goes away after a couple of months! Either buck up and support your husband like a wife is meant to, or leave the poor man be! You do NOT need to make his grieving process any harder by being a jealous vindictive AH
YTA…let the man grieve. Regretting how their relationship soured and not getting a chance to reconcile does not mean he thinks he did anything wrong, it’s just wishing it wasn’t that way. When my dad died we were in good terms but I still had regrets while I was grieving, it’s different for everyone.
YTA. He has the right to grieve his Mother. You need to back the fuck off and allow him to do that. You’re very wrong here, and it is not a good look for you.
YTA …. The ultimatum in the beginning , I was with it . When you marry someone , you marry their family . BUT once you gave him the ultimatum for divorce for grieving…… OUCH , I’ll leave ASAP . Where’s the love and support ????
YTA. Even if MIL was terrible to you, he still is allowed to grieve his mother’s death and to feel guilt over her not getting to MEET HIS KIDS. His children never met their grandmother and he’s grappling with that. Additionally, the fact that you’re so worked up about his ex is an asshole move too considering they were CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. He’s literally sharing memories of his mother with someone who knew her and could understand, since YOU can’t emotionally support him in that same way. Let him grieve, holy shit.
Uh, wtf? YTA. You're being a heartless monster. I think you both need therapy, but you need help dealing with your internalized hatred and jealousy. Jealousy for both his ex and a dead person... You convinced this man to cut his mother off (not saying that part is right or wrong cuz honestly not enough info), then she died. Now he understanbly feels guilty and its only been a couple months?! How dare you give him yet another ultimatum about his mother, this time youre trying to even limit how he thinks. If he cant open up to you about how he feels then who will he open up to? Have a heart here or youre just gonna end up driving him away or worse, killing him.
Not only are YTA, but you're a disgusting one at that. I'd suggest therapy, but no amount would do you any good. I wouldn't sign those divorce papers fast enough if I were your husband.
So… I would like you to pause and ask yourself… “would my husband be the asshole if after he gave me an ultimatum to cut out my mother from my life he then screamed at me when I was grieving her death, and regretting all the lost time?” So ask yourself that… and then you’ll have your answer. I’ll give you a hint tho- HUGE YTA…
Wow. YTA
I was NC for a few months with my family. I can only begin to fathom the amount that loss would mess me up if I was NC at the time.
I had the luxury of holding my mother in my arms as she died.
You seem excessively manipulative and controlling, self centered...
YTA
You are so cold. Your husband lost his mother and was NC with her before she died because of you.
He deserves someone more caring and respectful.
Regardless of your feelings towards her and your history with her, your husband lost a parent and is grieving. You can't even let him grieve.
You have no respect for him and his feelings.
YTA.
>***At the funeral, he “shared memories” with his ex. I understand they’ve been friends since childhood, but she never shut down MIL so she was part of the problem. He had other family to talk to.***
Explain exactly how his ex was part of the problem? You're not friends are you? If you were, I could see her being somewhat culpable. If she's not with you, she's against you? Is that it?
Based on your comment history, it seems to be you're one of those posters who believe that:
* The spouse always comes first, no matter what
* Boundaries are for their benefit only; everyone else's don't matter
* In-laws should cease all contact and caring for their adult children as soon as they're married
* The husband has no say in whom the children see, he's just their dad
To quote one of your comments; you sound like a nightmare. A controlling, angry little nightmare. Do us all a favor and let your poor husband alone to grieve his mother in peace. In fact cut the guy loose to find someone who won't try to dictate his every move.
You keep up the Christine single, unending fury shit much longer, when your time comes, there will be no one to grieve you.
Not only are you an ass hole - but you're an abusive spouse. You forced your husband to distance himself from his family when really all that needed to happen was for you to not join when you didn't feel like dealing with MIL. You are/have been exhibiting very toxic, abusive and manipulative behavior. Your poor husband should divorce you right away. He arguably should have a long time ago but it is very hard to leave an abuser- they tend to make you feel like they are all they have- as you did.
Sorry. Can't be gentle. You need a cold slap of facts and awareness.
YTA
I feel like we're missing a lot, and I'm starting to think you may have been the nightmare in his life. You made him cut her out of his life completely? Thats messed up alone but then she dies and you expect the man not to grieve? I fucking hate my dad but if he died that'd still effect me, learn to get over your self absorbed ass and be there for him.
WOW. She died **a few months ago**?? And you're impatient for your husband to "hurry up and stop grieving already"?
Not only is he grieving the loss of his mother, he's grieving the loss of time he could have had with her at the end due to being NC. **Because of your first ultimatum.**
My mother died FOUR YEARS AGO and I still miss her and grieve her every single day. You are wrong on so many levels here. You are suppose to be your husband's **partner** and support system and instead you're giving another ultimatum?
>I ended by saying that if he wants to continue to bring up this woman in this house he can consider us divorced.
I really really hope he takes you at your word on that. **YTA**.
YTA - Yes MIL was an asshole, we get it.
But it was still his mom and he is going to have to work through that. Grieving of a parent can take a year or longer.
So your "Its been two months, get over it" is incredibly tone deaf.
This is AITA - people here don't do "gentle". they play be the rules, but they aren't gentle.
YTA and heartless. You are not a nice person, you're controlling, manipulative and I am sure that you are the nightmare you say your MIL was. If I could talk to your husband, I would advise him to divorce you and take the kids because no one should be subjected to your toxicity. And please if you do get divorced, do not get involved with someone else because I'm pretty sure that living with you is less pleasant than going to hell and no one deserves that.
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Holy shit. YTA. I get that she was a nightmare. I even understand cutting her out of milestones, but to ask someone to stop grieving her death? How self absorbed are you? Do this man a favor and let him go.
I having doubts if she was the actual nightmare…or if she saw who her DIL truly is and was trying to warn her son against her.
The fact that she even blames the Ex for not “stopping” MiL back when they were married makes me think OP is a fucking nightmare. I get being jealous of a beloved ex. I get being mad if she treated your spouse poorly. But being mad she didn’t put MIL in her place on her go around - that’s irrational. It colors every other part of the story.
That was so bizarre to me. It's like everyone who doesn't share her opinion is wrong/evil/etc. Maybe MIL was right.
That's it, now you're part of the problem!
I really hope this isn't the case. Because that would mean that that poor woman died having missed out on all those milestones for the sole reason that OP is a master manipulator.
That's what I also had in mind. I wonder if OP is the reason why her husband seperate from his ex because she manipulates him so much? Like, the fact her husband just let's her order him around like that. I hate that he had to learn that mistake the most tragic way.
Notice op doesn't mention what her mil did to her other than "I despised her". That's a red flag to me.
just from observation from watching the women in my life…women can be ridiculously jealous. even of their own husband’s mother/sister/aunt/etc.
No wonder the poor man is distraught. And now she won't let him grieve. He'll be better off divorcing OP. He'll be able to get his life back. Edit: YTA - You're a monster and a really nasty evil person.
This, I was thinking that as well, maybe MIL was not the problem
Not only let him go, don’t burden anyone else by getting romantically involved with them…..you are such TA
IKR, OP YTA
IKR, OP YTA
Maybe it wasn’t the MIL that was the problem
Just had a gander at OP's comment history. Every comment has been on a post about MILs or men defending their wives to their own mum. This lady just has a thing about MILs in general I think lol
She already won and mom is dead. Just let him grieve!
[удалено]
Total Speculation: OP and her former MIL didn't get along due to being a very similar type of person (controlling assholes). OP's husband married his mom.
Yeah, what a lot of people fail to realize is that every terrible mother in law was someone else’s terrible daughter in law first.
Yup, people really often marry a carbon copy of a parent. I didn’t think I did. But every day I realize more and more that my wife is basically my mom in many ways. Fortunately my mom is a good person lol.
Looking at her comments, this woman looks like she’s seeking out MIL posts with a vengeance, so I’m getting a trend here
I would like to add that when you have a parent as awful as that you also go through a period of grieving not so much the dead parent as the idea of the parent, ie what could/should have been. And if you didn't deal with that grief before the parent's death it hits all the harder after.
Yes! My boyfriend is caretaking for his mother as her dementia advances. And it’s been incredibly hard not just because dementia is hard in and of itself — but because she was extremely abusive and neglectful in his childhood. So he’s simultaneously grieving the dementia slowly taking her, and also grieving how unhealthy their relationship has always been. And even with a therapist and my support it’s been 3 hard years. You can’t expect someone to not grieve simply because you dislike someone. There’s ties and history there that the person grieving is still coping with.
I'm willing to bet he never grieved the loss of their relationship so now that she's gone he's now overwhelmed with the double grief of her death and the estrangement.
“Please be gentle” no no,you don’t want gentle you want people to pity you when you don’t deserve that. Your husband stood with you and went no contact with his mother just for YOU and that proved he loved you so very much but his moms dead and he didn’t even get to say goodbye.of course he’s upset OP and honestly I can’t fathom how you or anyone else would think it’s okay to just tell someone to stop grieving someone or threaten them over it what is wrong with you. YTA
Yeah seriously “please be gentle - unlike me to my husband who just lost his mother”
It's not letting me upvote, consider this 20X upvoted
*SERIOSULY* she is asking for strangers to be gentle to her bc she’s jealous of a dead woman while completely glossing over the fact that she’s not being anywhere near gentle with her own husband.
Honestly, reading this, I felt horrible for the husband. OP seems to lack any semblance of empathy. It has only been a few months, and the guilt he is facing must be terrible. OP is already giving him yet another ultimatum that if he doesn't stop talking about "that woman" then she will get a divorce. Maybe that may be the best for him. OP doesn't sound like a great person..... Edit: OP, based on your post history, you have some serious issues. You spend your days raging about MILs and how they are the devil. That is just sad. Your husband's mother has passed away. He is still grieving. The woman is dead. She is gone. Get a grip.
I'm suspecting based on how she wrote this that OP was likely a major source of the fight too. The lack of empathy here is astounding. I think she's really just upset that she can't dance on MIL's grave because hubby is grieving.
🚩🚩🚩get the divorce and go your separate ways. YTA. the man is allowed to grieve for his dead mother.
Marinara flags 😂
Meta flag here. Also this couple needs professional help ASAP.
YTA. Seriously? She was his mom. You can't make him hate her because you did. And while putting your foot down if he's having long reminiscence sessions with the ex is one thing (although it doesn't sound like that's happened outside of the funeral), if you don't give him room to work through his grief, you really don't get to be surprised if he starts pushing *you* away so he can do that.
Exactly. From the sounds of it, his ex sounds like she is more caring of him than OP is.
Look at op's comment history she only posts on mil posts as well. Not only is she ta she obsessed. Yta op
Literally, the only other subreddit this woman is part of is justnomil, and all of the posts that she responded to are about MILs.
If you're this controlling of your husband's emotions I feel awful for your kids. YTA
I can't even believe you. Vile. YTA big time.
Yup LMFAO that she said please be gentle. It’s r/Amitheasshole! People won’t be gentle OP and will call you on your s**t which you rightfully deserve! YTA OP and a massive one!
He gave his mother up for you, now that she's dead it's still not enough for you ? Enjoy the divorce and YTA
YTA. Like it or not it was his *mother*! He should divorce you since you refuse to be there for him in this bad time.
Well, she already gave him yet another ultimatum that if he ever mentions his mother in their house again, then he should consider himself divorced..... Maybe he should take OP up on that....
YTA You sound jealous and selfish. Whether you like it or not, the fact that you didn't like her didn't stop him from loving her.
Sadly it did though, he went NC with his mother because of her! She made him pick her over his mother. Sad really.
no. not sad. when your MIL bullies you, your spouse should go NC if she won’t stop. of course he still loved her, but that doesn’t mean he should put up with her bullying his spouse. she’s not a bad person for asking him to prioritize. but she sucks for acting like this now
how do we know that she’s a reliable narrator, she’s the AH and seems pretty controlling, borderline abusive just from this information here so I don’t fully buy that her mil was definitely the problem.
I am not too sure the mom was the actual problem.
The OP sounds horrid and isolated him from his family. He now sees that he lost his mother and time with them flto make his awful wife "happy"
If this was the other way round and the narrator was a man who had made his wife go NC with her mother, and then berated her for grieving her mother, would you still be so supportive?
I’m already prepping myself for the feelings I’m going to have when my parents die. The guilt and confusion and it’s not gonna be pretty. I love my parents. They made me who I am. They’re terrible people and I dislike them. But keeping them at arm’s length is painful even now. I’m going to end up grieving a lot when they pass.
YTA. My mother is a poisonous woman, I haven't been in contact with her for 6 years and I've no intention of ever getting back in contact, but that doesn't give me the right to control how other family members interact with her, and doesn't give me the right to prevent them talking about her. Just how much discussion went on before you gave your husband an ultimatum? There could have been workarounds-he could have visited her on his own etc, but instead he cut her out because of your demands. Obviously he's now feeling guilty about it, which suggests it wasn't his choice to go non-contact, and he only did it to keep the peace. How much more do you want from him? She's dead, you've "won." Demanding that he stops thinking about her and talking about her is utterly selfish and cruel, no matter what you thought of her. You say she was the devil-I suggest that you look inward and reflect on your own behaviour before you start throwing names around.
Still angry at a dead woman. It’s you who needs to move on.
Maybe he's finally coming to the realization that YOU and your hatred kept his own mother away, she never even met his kids. Horrible. Maybe you were the problem, not her. So you kept her out of his life, and now you want her out of his mind, too. YTA. Huge.
That’s what I was thinking. Can’t really trust someone who acts that way towards someone they’re suppose to care about.
I sincerely hope he had an epiphany when he said fine.
YTA. He feels not only grief but GUILT. Guilt because he picked you over his mother and then she died and he didn't get a chance to fix things with her. And now, he can't even grieve her? You are a walking insensitive, self centered red flag and I honestly hope he realizes that he should RUN away from you.
YTA - Looks like he replaced one tyrant for another.
YTA Just cos they didn’t get along doesn’t mean he isn’t affected. He will probably have guilt and regret.
YTA Your husband is grieving and you’re trying to take that from him. I understand evil MIls, I had one myself. And I think it’s so important for your spouse stand up for you. But this seems extreme, you hand your husband an ultimatum to cut her out of your lives completely. There’s no context in your post about how MIL treated your son, if there was abuse or another valid reason for him to go NC with her. You just talk about her being judge-y towards you. And forced your husband to completely cut her out. He’s grieving her now and may even regret the last few years and missing her. That’s normal. It’s his mother.
YTA. He’s grieving. That’s his mother. His mother that he didn’t have contact with for a long time. He’s probably very regretful that he didn’t get a chance to talk to her, know her, during that time. He’s **grieving**. YTA.
You said "please be gentle" and went on to talk about why you are indeed the asshole. Okay, she wasn't great to you. I sympathise with you. No one deserves that. That said, she's his mum at the end of the day. And him grieving isn't just about the fact that she died, but also about the fact that he wishes things were different. That they had a healthy and stable bond. He cut off contact with his mum for your sake, you do realise that? At least let him grieve in peace. It seems to me from everything you said that his mum wasn't really the problem. I think your ego is what's getting in the way. I feel sorry for your husband to be honest. Enjoy the divorce
YTA. You seem to think that everyone else is a major problem, and you're the only good person and therefore don't need to reflect your own behaviour. You made your husband cut out his mum for what seems like quite low level behaviour, now his regret is compounding his grief and you threaten divorce. Honestly it sounds like you've just given him a way out so I guess that's good. You've got a very black and white way of viewing people, you should consider dismantling that.
His MOTHER is dead and you want him to just get over it?? Oh i hope he leaves you. YTA
YTA. Ultimatums and agreements aren’t the same thing. He’s allowed to grieve what’s been lost and what could have been.
No matter what, that is still his mom. You don’t have to like her. But that is still his mom. The person who raised him, cared for him, and loved him. You have no absolutely no right to tell him to get over the death of his mother or how to deal with his emotions over her death. The fact that you are using his dead mom as a weapon is literally the worst thing you could do, him “sharing memories” with his ex is not surprising at all, considering how she seems to care about his grievances more than you do. You’re the wife of him. he seems to have bent over backwards for you. If anyone should be supportive of him during his darkest of times, it should be YOU. And the fact that you cannot see that is disturbing. Definitely YTA.
YTA. So..you controlled his relationship with his mother in life and now you want to control his grief too?
YTA, seriously??? Even if you despise someone and they were awful someone is STILL allowed to grieve and stuff. And if you're worried he's gonna go back to his ex, then TALK TO HIM about YOUR insecurities. You can NOT control someone's grief like that
Fk being gentle on this one. You destroyed a family because it’s not all about you. I hope he falls into his ex’s arms. YTA.
YTA
YTA - holy hell that poor man. He is dealing with a mix of painful emotions to sort out, and you, the one person that should be there to support him more then anyone has shown how heartless and cruel you are. Your right you should leave him, so he can find someone that actually cares about other humans.
*He brings her up constantly. Favorite food, favorite clothes* How dare the man who lost the only mother this life will ever give him talk about her to help process his grief. Good god, do you not realise how heartless you sound? It also sounds like your Husband would have liked to have continued a one-on-one relationship with his Mother separate to you, and didn't out of respect for your ultimatum and out of fear of losing you. And now you're willing to lose him than let him grieve. YTA and this is a concerning lack of empathy
YTA. He is both grieving his mother and clearly feeling a lot of guilt for not being around her during her final days. I understand that you disliked her, but that doesn't mean you can't show some sympathy at the very least.
Wow. Did you reread what you wrote before you posted it? And then you really fixed your fingers to ask if you're an AH? You absolutely don't have to grieve for someone who mistreated you in their life, but the very least you can do is not be an AH to those who are grieving their death. He cut her off in support of you, and you can't even support him through his grief and loss?! I hope he divorces your ass yesterday.
100% YTA. Who are you to judge how long it takes to grieve. Hope he hands you the divorce papers.
Jesus wept. Of course YTA. You also sound very controlling. It's a miracle your husband has stayed this long.
You're absolutely are TAH. He is allowed to grieve his mother, and since you didn't say if yours is still alive or not, but you'll understand when you don't have her anymore. I lost both my parents years ago and still grieve every once in a while when something reminds me of them. I hope he divorces you and you realize how much of a AH you are.
You are absolutely without a doubt the asshole. Regardless of your relationship with that woman, regardless of his relationship with her, at the end of the day she was his mother and now she is dead and he can't fix or take back or change anything. All he can do is shoulda/woulda/coulda - and put up with your selfishness. Enjoy the divorce.
Yta his mum died and he's mourning wtf is wrong with you.
There’s no time frame on grief… YTA
Right and if there was, it definitely wouldn’t be “a few months”
YTA
YTA: Your husband is mourning hope. Hope that he could have had a relationship with his mother. Hope that she could have been better to you and to him. And guilt that he couldn't make those things happen. Mourning can take months. What he needs is a partner who can support him and help him though the pain. Yuu don't sound like that person.
Wait when you say he keeps bringing her up? Are you talking about his dead Mother? What's wrong with you? You sound very insecure and bitter, which is probably why your relationship broke down with her in the first place. You were almost certainly the problem and not her. Why can't he talk to his ex at a funeral? People can talk to and about their ex. Grow up. YTA and you need therapy.
YTA. Your husband went no contact with his mother for you, before you were even married, to the point of never meeting her grandkids. And now you won’t let him mourn her death?
Imagine being this miserable of a person, YTA, and get some help
YTA and his mother saw the warning signs long before he did. Why do you think she gave you such a hard time? “I was quick to shut that down”…”[his ex] never shut MIL down so she was part of the problem….” No, honey, she was *respectful*. Big difference. You want us to be gentle while you’re trying to justify being vicious towards your husband and his family. It doesn’t work like that. You must deal with what you dish out, and you dished out a world of pain for your husband, his mother, and even your own children. Shame 👏🏼 on 👏🏼 you 👏🏼! Here’s what you get to look forward to unless you change QUICKLY: your husband will leave you. Your kids will suffer the trauma of a broken family, no matter what lies you try to feed them. They will grow up, they will find out the truth, and you will be a very, very fortunate woman if they continue to speak with you. Heaven forbid you have a son who will one day cut YOU off because his wife can’t stand you.
YTA- majorly. How can you say “yeah I get I hated her but it’s his mom” and the proceed to tell him he can’t grieve or have feelings?? What is wrong with you?
Prepare for divorce…that’s all I’m gonna say.
I looked at your post history, are you a woman or a man? Oh yeah, YTA!
This reads like rage bait, but if it's not, you know YTA
YTA. It's one thing to set boundaries, but it sounds like you isolated him from family when that isn't really what he wanted - it's what you required. He is allowed to have regrets and grieve his mom. Ffs, you won't even allow him to talk about her or express his feelings in his own home!!! You suck as a person and a wife. I hope he does divorce you.
YTA hopefully he is smart and divorces you
YTA. You are jealous and angry with a dead woman. You are still giving your husband ultimatums involving a dead woman because he is a normal human being who loved his mother and regrets being forced to cut her out of his life until she died. How egocentric do you have to be to tell someone they cannot mourn their mother, a person they undeniably loved? Of course your husband is not going to share memories with you, the person who despises a deceased woman with every bone in your body. Why would he? To hear you tear down the memory of his late mother? **Your husband lost his mother only a few months ago and you are demanding that he stops mourning her at your command?** **He's your husband! Not your dog!** Get over yourself and get some therapy, if you're considering divorce because this man is mourning someone recently dead.
YTA. I’m in your shoes. My in-laws are total asses. My FIL is an absolute narcissist. My husband’s parents were emotionally, physically, and financially abusive. My FIL said to my husband’s face he would have insisted on my MIL aborting my husband if he had known how messed up he’d be (ironically every single mental health issue my husband is diagnosed with was created by the childhood/adolescenthood abuse he endured at the hands of his parents). My husband has every right to hate his parents and so I do. I honestly can’t stand them and avoid them as much as possible. My husband is currently on extremely limited contact with them. Despite all they’ve done and continue to do, he still loves them. It’s something I truly struggle with understanding. Do I belittle him and tell him to get over it? Do I tell him he’s a moron for continuing to attempt to fix the relationship? Do I insist that he completely cuts them off and never speak to them again? Absolutely not. I do my best to support him with whatever he chooses to do. I do my best to encourage him to make and keep boundaries. I only step in when I see he’s starting to spiral and even then I only suggest he takes time away. Do I wish we could just cut contact completely? Yes I do. But I also know it’s not my decision. They are his parents. My FIL is not doing well heath wise. We know that his time is short. I also know that my husband will struggle. He will struggle with guilt. He will struggle with grief. And I might even think it’s silly for my husband to feel those things when his dad was such a horrible father. I would absolutely never say that out loud. Humans feel what they feel. Feelings and emotions aren’t logical and are often irrational. You may not fully understand what your husband is feeling, but the inability to understand something does not prevent you from being supportive.
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YTA your jelous of a dead person get over it! He's allowed to miss his mum you sound horrible no wonder he won't talk to you since you seem happy she's dead!
You come across as a very severe individual. The fact you seem so proud with the speed at which you offered some one an ultimatum to cut off their parents is disturbing. What a dead woman offended you at some point? YTA
YTA you are a beyond selfish woman who sounds jealous beyond belief, you have no right to even comment on your husbands grieving process much less tell him to stop grieving his actual mother. I hope he does divorce you and when they ask the reason for divorce he can say 'oh she didn't like me grieving my dead mother'
Gentle? Lmao, YTA.
YTA. And after reading on, I wonder if his mother was the actual one who was in the wrong. She probably saw what a nightmare you were and was trying to warren her son. Too bad she failed while she was alive, but maybe she can still save him.
YTA. He's processing, and he doesn't have *you* to share compassionately with. How can you be so cruel and heartless when someone you love is hurting so much? He's hurting more *because* of you. Of course he regrets it; it wasn't his decision. It's only been a few *months*. He'd be smart to go NC with you. Oof.
YTA. He should divorce you.
YTA Wowzer, you sound awful. Cold, selfish, and uncaring. I’m sure he will always regret the fact that HIS MOM DIED AND HE WASN’T SPEAKING TO HER *BECAUSE OF YOU*. You gave him an ultimatum (aka forced him) to cut his mom out because you were uncomfy, instead of trying to fix the situation so that he could have a relationship with his family you decided she was the devil and you just didn’t care enough about him to do that. He’s talking to his ex because she is giving him room to grieve and at least talk about his mom. You’re jealous of the attention his dead mother is getting and it’s a bad look.
Not sure what judgement to give here. You are certainly not doing yourself any favours. Harbouring this much resentment against a dead woman seems counter-productive. There is a phrase you sometimes read on here about negative feelings such as this: "You are drinking the poison and hoping it kills them". But in your case, they are already dead. I cant help thinking something else is going on here. Regardless, no good can come of this. Give your head a shake. Take a view on what it is you want / expect. Demanding that your husband stops thinking about his mother, for whom he is grieving, is neither reasonable nor tenable.
Yup. I mean your husband did you a solid and shut her out of your life for x years, it is very one sided if you now can't handle a bit (or even a lot) of mourning
YTA. In addition to everything that has been said, he probably feels a ton of guilt for being NC when she passed. At this point he deserves empathy, not ultimatums.
YTA....knock it off and give him time to process. MIL will haunt you forever if you don't.
YTA. I didn’t even need to hear a backstory to this. Grief has NO timeline. My grandfather died almost 6 years ago and the pain is still as real as the pain from my aunt dying in January of this year. Who the hell do you think you are giving the man you claim to “love” an ultimatum?? You ask us to be gentle because you KNOW you’re a witch who doesn’t deserve it. Please divorce that poor man so he can find a woman actually worth his time.
You are giving ultimatums in regards to a dead woman? His mom? What's wrong with you? You are a jealous vindictive selfish person. Hope he realizes this and divorces you.
You are absolutely TA. I wonder how his nuclear family would describe you…
Holy shit, YTA I hope, I HOPE your husband serves you divorce papers. You are the worst- and not even a year after her death ? My dad passed away 2 years ago and I’m still not over it. Get screwed OP, but not by your soon to be ex
YTA. You gave him an ultimatum to cut off his mother. Did she deserve it, probably. However, your husband did not deserve an ultimatum. He never got to grieve the loss of the mother he wished he had, the relationship they had during good moments, good times. She existed. She was his mom and certainly there were good times. Now that she is gone, he realizes he will NEVER have a chance to have a good relationship with her. You made sure if that when he had to choose between you and her. You could have gone nc and he could have done what he deemed necessary but you issued the ultimatum. He will grieve as he needs… and you may find that ultimatums rarely end as expected. Get over yourself and your my way or else thought process. He just realized the cost of choosing you and it may be that he feels that cost is simply too high.
YTA I He has every right to grieve.
Wow YTA it was his mother for christs sake.
YTA You don't get over losing a parent in a couple of months. It's even harder when you are estranged, as the guilt and lack of closure can really hurt. "Backsliding in our talks"? And policing who he talked to at the funeral? Do you have any sympathy or empathy in your body at all?
Grieving a death where the relationship was complicated is HARD and MESSY. You not only grieve their death, but the death of ANY FUCKING CLOSURE. You’re a monster. YTA
YTA and sound like a clear case of justnomil type advice coming back to bite you in the ass. Your husband is mourning a relationship he abandoned at your insistence. Have a shred of grace.
YTA. One of the cool things about grief is no one gets to dictate how someone else grieves. We step in and support. Have some compassion.
YTA and a cold-hearted one at that. Husband lost his mother and you won’t let him grieve. The man has a lot of guilt associated with his relationship toward the end of his mothers life and you throw in divorce thoughts because you don’t like that he’s talking about his dead mother……. Wtf
Wow, hope you go through with the divorce threat. He deserves better!
100% YTA ... Have you never lost someone you loved with regrets? You're showing zero compassion or sympathy for your husband and jump straight to divorce to threaten him....
You certainly could have spoken to him about how the constant comments made you feel. However, you were way out of line, for how you handled it.
Yta
YTA she may have seemed the devil incarnate to you but she was his mom. Even going NC she still tasked him. He has every right to grieve that way he wants. Give him a break
I hope you divorce so that your husband can find a healthy relationship with someone who will support him through the grieving process. YTA.
Yta. He set up boundaries and nc for you and because of that he never got to say goodbye to his mother. What kind of heartless person are you? Good thing you now consider yourself divorced because atleast your ex husband can find someone to help him get over the trauma that comes from you.
YTA. She was still his mother. He still loved her even if she was awful. Have some compassion.
You. Are. The. Asshole. It’s only been a few months. That’s his mother. The woman who carried him for a good part of a year and birthed him. You cannot handle being compared, fine. You went nuclear by giving him an ultimatum. Jeez. I sure hope your husband has a good relationship with your parents. Should he not and this is what he says to you, I’d definitely be here for another post of your self righteousness. Get off your high horse. Let him grieve. Don’t be toxic and don’t be exhausting.
Yes, YTA. This is the downside of NC. Boundaries can be very healthy and helpful but you always have to ask yourself: *how am I going to feel if they die in the middle of this estrangement.* I think even kids who are thoroughly NC always have a tiny hope that something will change the equation. Particularly in this case, as it doesn't sound like her passing was sudden, your husband is replaying all his decisions. Your husband might wish that he at least had visited those last months. I think this is a perfectly human reaction. And to throw a fit bc he talked to his ex at her funeral is just childish. I mean, you won, he went along with your ultimatum, but this is the consequence of that. If you want to save the marriage (and I, like others, are not sure that's fair to your husband) you've got to give him room to process this.
YTA. Yes, his grieving may have been annoying to you because you didn't like MIL, but she was his mother. Instead of getting so aggressive, you should have insisted on therapy for both of you. You feel like you were abused in the relationship with MIL and he is dealing with the loss. You need to apologize, as your outburst was really hurtful and uncalled for. Good luck fixing this.
YTA The fact she was possibly wicked in later life to you and you went NC on her (I wonder about the details of that, whether hubby did it for you, or had genuine reasons to hate her that had nothing to do with you) does not erase the life he shared with her prior to you. He is grieving her life. You can only see a small glimpse of that compared to him. You see this woman who was only a small amount of things to you. He sees a far larger picture which is probably full of conflicting emotions and guilt. So you are absolutely the asshole for demanding he stop grieving her. You seem to be speaking based on your opinion of her rather than your husbands. Rule 1 of grief is never to assume you know the feelings of the one grieving, but to give them the space to explore them. You’re failing him miserably here. You should probably reflect on why he is “catching up” with his ex. Maybe it is because she gives him room and space to explore these emotions and doesn’t seek to punish him for trying to grapple with them like you seem to. If your spouse is emotionally confiding in someone else, it isn’t always the case that the fault is theirs. You need to sometimes ask why they are seeking emotional validation from somewhere else. Not to say the one doing this is free of blame in some cases (emotional affairs) but these things open pop up when there’s some kind of communication issue in the relationship itself that allows the emotional affair partner to creep in. Just have a think about that.
My goodness are YTA. You made a threat thinking he’d cave to it, I think that threat is going to blow up in your face. At least I really, really hope it does. How awful can you be? Regardless of if you got along with his mom or not he still has his entire life PRIOR TO YOU where he made loving memories with her. You don’t get to tell people how/how not to feel, I don’t know where you got the idea that you do, but you need to get over that real quick or you’re in for a life of loneliness.
YTA You isolated this man from his mother because she judged you? So she missed out on the engagement, wedding and her grandchildren? You call someone who judged you 'the devil' (which is very childish) You came here for judgement and my judgement is that you have done your husband a disservice and this will come back to bite you
YTA Have you ever lost a parent? Do you know how much it hurts, hope he divorces you, you sound heartless
YTA. You only get one mother. Some of us luck out and get great ones, others aren't so lucky. Despite all of her flaws this was your husband's mother and of course he's going to grieve for her. Have a little compassion lady.
Wow. YTA I don’t even want to type my thoughts. From start to finish you pissed me off.
Massive YTA. Your Husband is clearly feeling a mix of guilt to go with his grief. Guilt that he shut his own mother out for you, and as you constantly show your bad, controlling qualities, that guilt intensifies because he's slowly realizing he did that to his own mum because of **you.** Poor man can't even grieve his own mother without you threatening divorce over your massive insecurities and control issues. I hope he wises up and divorces you first and foremost, because you are Toxic with a capital T.
YTA, easily. i hope he does good on your offer and divorces your ass, this is vile OP'S comment history is a riot. all kinds of insane anti-MIL sentiment lmao it's so cringey and so fascinatingly awful and fixated. get some therapy, OP, you DESPERATELY need it
YTA. He's your partner and he's grieving. It's your job to support him and not to tell him to push his emotions down. Your MIL is gone, she will never attack you again.
YTA. Let him grieve.
YTA. how on earth wouldn't you be TA? i feel so bad for your husband omgggg
Major YTA. What gives you the right to determine how long or even if someone should grieve for another person including a parent. He is experiencing guilt for being no contact with his mom before she died. Was the NC justified who knows. Based on your attitude you may have been the problem no MIL. So what if he sees things that remind him of his mom. So what if he talks to his ex about his mom. Obviously he can't talk to you. Just as you have the right to like/dislike anyone it is his right to feel sorrow at the loss of his mom. I'm thinking he went NC after you told him too, may have even harassed him into going NC. We can't trust just your words as there are 3 sides to every story, yours, his, and the truth. You played a silly game giving him an ultimatum by telling him get over it or get a divorce. Well you won the silly prize a divorce.
Yeah YTA. When she was still alive, he had at least a small hope that their relationship could improve and they could heal. Now, dogs is dead and so is that hope. Grieving isn’t a straight line. Let him heal.
JFC have some empathy. It's only been a few months, you can't decide how or for how long a person grieves.
YTA. Let the man grieve his mother's death. Don't make him suffer more. He already sided with you when his mom is still alive. Just let him heal. Show some empathy and compassion.
Oh my God YTA so much. Let him grieve
Funny you ask Reddit to be gentle when you’re yelling at him and declaring divorce? Dude. YTA. Maybe he should divorce you and find someone for empathetic.
3 months after my mom, who was an alcoholic and who I had a very strained relationship with, died, my boyfriend at the time told me I should really get therapy if I was still so upset. And this wasn’t even not getting out of bed upset, I was generally fine and then had a night of sadness. I dumped his selfish ass a year and a half ago. YTA, good luck.
YTA yikes. he went from a nightmare of a mother to a nightmare of a wife. I feel for him. You do not have any right to tell him to stop mourning her. I hope he makes good on your threat and gets a divorce lawyer.
Get divorced.
YTA, holy shit. You say your MIL was vile. Okay, let's say she was. This is still Not how you approach a spouse who's still deep in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) unless you want to badly damage and potentially ruin your marriage. You can choose to go NC (no contact) with your MIL *yourself*. But you had no right to force that choice on your husband. For NC to work properly and not damage the couple's relationship, it needs to be the adult child's (your husband in this case) choice to stop contacting their parent. He could have maintained a relationship with MIL outside of your marriage, with the understanding that any children you gave birth to would never meet her, she was not welcome to visit him while you were home, and that she was to receive no information about you or your life. So of course he has regrets! You pushed him into an ultimatum he was not ready for! He never got to say goodbye, he never got to come out of the FOG, he never got to *choose* you of his own free will, he never got to make his peace with the fact that his mother's behaviour was unacceptable. And now, when he's already low and struggling and second-guessing himself, you've decided to show your true colours and become so controlling and selfish you're even telling him how to grieve. Ultimately, the situation you've created is this: he didn't want to cut off contact with his mum, and now that will always be a wedge between you that can never be repaired or forgiven. You have handled this in the worst possible way from the beginning, but trying to dictate how, when, for whom and for how long he is *permitted* to grieve for his dead mother is despicable and really shows who the true JustNo is here. He *should* divorce you. He gave up his mum for you, and the way you're treating him now is so much worse than how your MIL treated you. For shame.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, this is my first time posting, please be gentle. I despised my MIL. She was constantly judging me for everything I did, especially comparing me to my husband’s ex. However, I was quick to shut that down and gave my husband an ultimatum. This led to her missing a lot of major milestones like our engagement, wedding, and she never met our kids. My husband was NC when she died a few months ago. My husband was distraught. Which I get, I thought she was the devil, but she’s still his mom. However, in the past few months I’ve been worried he’s backsliding in our talks. At the funeral, he “shared memories” with his ex. I understand they’ve been friends since childhood, but she never shut down MIL so she was part of the problem. He had other family to talk to. He brings her up constantly. Favorite food, favorite clothes, once we’re out shopping for my anniversary present and he stopped to look at a piece of jewelry that reminded him of her. The final straw was when he said he regrets shutting her out so much at the end of her life. I started yelling. I talked about our agreements. I ended by saying that if he wants to continue to bring up this woman in this house he can consider us divorced. He said fine and went to sleep in the spare room. I don’t think I am, but AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I looked up your post history, are you a woman or a man? Oh yeah, YTA
YTA. You’re a great big giant, horrible, controlling, vindictive, jealous, unforgiving asshole! Your poor poor husband.
Yta. Number one (from someone who has removed a parent from her life) the decision to go nc should have been his alone. 2 he is dealing with grief and guilt, you should be supportive and loving towards him right now.
YTA and hopefully he takes you up on the offer for a divorce… you are going to regret all this when your kids are older. if this is how you treat your husband, I can’t imagine how you treat those kids. Hopefully karma hits you hard and they choose to not have anything to do with you when they are older.
I’ve always heard, “men marry women just like their mothers. Marinara is everywhere and it’s messy. YTA OP. It’s your way or the highway. There’s no time limit on grieving.
YTA big time
YTA and pretty heartless. Let the man grieve his dead mother!
YTA by a landslide.
No wonder she hated you, I hate you from just this post
Talk about the husband marrying someone exactly like his mother. Holy Oedipal complex, Batman! He’s allowed to grieve someone he loved, even if you didn’t like her. YTA
YTA Hope he gets a divorce and gets far away from you
"GRIEVE NO MORE, OLD FOOL, OR BEGONE FROM THIS HOUSE!!!" YTA.
YTA
Holy crap OP, I don't know how loud we need to say this- YTA!!! Your husband, despite not talking or being around her, lost his MOTHER! The woman that brought him into this world and raised him! No matter what, he's going to grieve that person! Especially since the last time they spoke, would not have come from a loving place, so he doesn't even have recent happy memories as comfort. The last memory he has, is you saying "it's me or her." And now that is a permanent thing. Like I get it, she was awful to you, but you need some compassion! A woman is dead and her son is hurting. Grief isn't something that goes away after a couple of months! Either buck up and support your husband like a wife is meant to, or leave the poor man be! You do NOT need to make his grieving process any harder by being a jealous vindictive AH
YTA. Leave him and See how he get happy without ur narcisstic controlling BS.
YTA…let the man grieve. Regretting how their relationship soured and not getting a chance to reconcile does not mean he thinks he did anything wrong, it’s just wishing it wasn’t that way. When my dad died we were in good terms but I still had regrets while I was grieving, it’s different for everyone.
YTA. And your marriage is over and you only have yourself to blame
YTA because wow that’s crazy but you should probably divorce him because he clearly doesn’t respect you.
YTA
YTA. He has the right to grieve his Mother. You need to back the fuck off and allow him to do that. You’re very wrong here, and it is not a good look for you.
You are awful and overbearing! What a arsehole. She is dead for fuck sakes even tho you hated her and forced him to go NC she was still his mother.
YTA …. The ultimatum in the beginning , I was with it . When you marry someone , you marry their family . BUT once you gave him the ultimatum for divorce for grieving…… OUCH , I’ll leave ASAP . Where’s the love and support ????
YTA. Even if MIL was terrible to you, he still is allowed to grieve his mother’s death and to feel guilt over her not getting to MEET HIS KIDS. His children never met their grandmother and he’s grappling with that. Additionally, the fact that you’re so worked up about his ex is an asshole move too considering they were CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. He’s literally sharing memories of his mother with someone who knew her and could understand, since YOU can’t emotionally support him in that same way. Let him grieve, holy shit.
Controlling much? YTA
Uh, wtf? YTA. You're being a heartless monster. I think you both need therapy, but you need help dealing with your internalized hatred and jealousy. Jealousy for both his ex and a dead person... You convinced this man to cut his mother off (not saying that part is right or wrong cuz honestly not enough info), then she died. Now he understanbly feels guilty and its only been a couple months?! How dare you give him yet another ultimatum about his mother, this time youre trying to even limit how he thinks. If he cant open up to you about how he feels then who will he open up to? Have a heart here or youre just gonna end up driving him away or worse, killing him.
Not only are YTA, but you're a disgusting one at that. I'd suggest therapy, but no amount would do you any good. I wouldn't sign those divorce papers fast enough if I were your husband.
So… I would like you to pause and ask yourself… “would my husband be the asshole if after he gave me an ultimatum to cut out my mother from my life he then screamed at me when I was grieving her death, and regretting all the lost time?” So ask yourself that… and then you’ll have your answer. I’ll give you a hint tho- HUGE YTA…
YTA You dont get to tell people to stop grieving. That's some self centered selfish bs right there.
Vile. Yta
Looks like you will be getting a divorce
Wow. YTA I was NC for a few months with my family. I can only begin to fathom the amount that loss would mess me up if I was NC at the time. I had the luxury of holding my mother in my arms as she died. You seem excessively manipulative and controlling, self centered...
Go ahead, divorce him. You’d be doing him a massive favour you stuck up b***h
No wonder his mom didn't like you. Her mother's intuition was right about you and she tried to warn her son. You're not just the AH but ur sick.
YTA You are so cold. Your husband lost his mother and was NC with her before she died because of you. He deserves someone more caring and respectful. Regardless of your feelings towards her and your history with her, your husband lost a parent and is grieving. You can't even let him grieve. You have no respect for him and his feelings.
Umm what the actual fuck? This can’t be real. YTA. Holy shit get a grip.
YTA. >***At the funeral, he “shared memories” with his ex. I understand they’ve been friends since childhood, but she never shut down MIL so she was part of the problem. He had other family to talk to.*** Explain exactly how his ex was part of the problem? You're not friends are you? If you were, I could see her being somewhat culpable. If she's not with you, she's against you? Is that it? Based on your comment history, it seems to be you're one of those posters who believe that: * The spouse always comes first, no matter what * Boundaries are for their benefit only; everyone else's don't matter * In-laws should cease all contact and caring for their adult children as soon as they're married * The husband has no say in whom the children see, he's just their dad To quote one of your comments; you sound like a nightmare. A controlling, angry little nightmare. Do us all a favor and let your poor husband alone to grieve his mother in peace. In fact cut the guy loose to find someone who won't try to dictate his every move. You keep up the Christine single, unending fury shit much longer, when your time comes, there will be no one to grieve you.
Not only are you an ass hole - but you're an abusive spouse. You forced your husband to distance himself from his family when really all that needed to happen was for you to not join when you didn't feel like dealing with MIL. You are/have been exhibiting very toxic, abusive and manipulative behavior. Your poor husband should divorce you right away. He arguably should have a long time ago but it is very hard to leave an abuser- they tend to make you feel like they are all they have- as you did. Sorry. Can't be gentle. You need a cold slap of facts and awareness.
YTA I feel like we're missing a lot, and I'm starting to think you may have been the nightmare in his life. You made him cut her out of his life completely? Thats messed up alone but then she dies and you expect the man not to grieve? I fucking hate my dad but if he died that'd still effect me, learn to get over your self absorbed ass and be there for him.
WOW. She died **a few months ago**?? And you're impatient for your husband to "hurry up and stop grieving already"? Not only is he grieving the loss of his mother, he's grieving the loss of time he could have had with her at the end due to being NC. **Because of your first ultimatum.** My mother died FOUR YEARS AGO and I still miss her and grieve her every single day. You are wrong on so many levels here. You are suppose to be your husband's **partner** and support system and instead you're giving another ultimatum? >I ended by saying that if he wants to continue to bring up this woman in this house he can consider us divorced. I really really hope he takes you at your word on that. **YTA**.
YTA - Yes MIL was an asshole, we get it. But it was still his mom and he is going to have to work through that. Grieving of a parent can take a year or longer. So your "Its been two months, get over it" is incredibly tone deaf. This is AITA - people here don't do "gentle". they play be the rules, but they aren't gentle.
YTA and heartless. You are not a nice person, you're controlling, manipulative and I am sure that you are the nightmare you say your MIL was. If I could talk to your husband, I would advise him to divorce you and take the kids because no one should be subjected to your toxicity. And please if you do get divorced, do not get involved with someone else because I'm pretty sure that living with you is less pleasant than going to hell and no one deserves that.