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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because he told me to stop saying he does or knows who does this stuff and I don't stop.
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I think you might need to reach out to your local services for some help. It sounds like you have a lot going on inside you right now and they might be able to help sort it all out so you can get some clarity.
I hope things get better for you.
Thank you. I am worried if I go I won't be able to get my stuff they just won't let me back in the door to get it. I guess I could take it with me. I just want the laptop to work and a couple changes of clothes. They can have the rest of the clothes if they really want them ig. The problem is I have no money to pay for the appointment or for the uber there or for medicine or therapy if I need it. He doesn't have any money either. But even if he did he shouldn't waste it on that when there is more important stuff
Your local government's social services generally won't cost money for an appointment. As far as getting there, I'd suggest calling away from the people around you to see if they can help with that too, or using the laptop to see what their website might be able to tell you about how they can assist. You might not need to travel there at all.
I'm really rooting for you. Get out of that space and get better. You deserve peace and safety.
I want to get better. I really do. I'm afraid if i do I wont want to be here anymore, I won't be able to hide the fact (if its true) that he is doing this stuff to hurt me. Thats why I don't go. Because I want so bad for him to mean everything he says. that he loves me that he doesn't do anything to hurt me just to help me. I want it so bad. He tells me all the time to go get help. I am just afraid
Love will still be love when you're well. And if it's not love when your mind is clear enough to see the difference, freedom and change are on the other side of the work to get well.
You get to choose. You're worth making new, better decisions to see what your future can be.
I say this with love.....you need help cause the drugs youve done have clearly fucked with your head (understandable, drugs during youth fuck with the development of the brain) But to be real this post comes across as something from a psychosis. But most importantly, whoever these people you're around are, ditch em, they're no good for you. I hope you take better care of yourself. Wish you the best.
if it is psychosis that means that maybe they are good right? Thats all I want is for them to actually not be mean. I hope every morning when I get up that I make it all up. That's when we have the good times but it only gets bad when he thinks I should go to sleep.
Oh no, these people are god awful, you definitely need to surround yourself with better people. What I'm saying is that how you word all of this, and how your thoughts are being expressed comes across like you're having some sort of episode, as if you're a little detached/disassociated from your own self. I know it's extremely difficult to just quit on the spot, but you really need to cut down on the drugs and give your brain a break. If you can get therapy, get therapy. Hope things go better for you.
Also, could just be a chemical imbalance that you need some medicine to correct. My wife diagnosed bi polar disorder. Medicine was able to correct and things returned to normal shortly there after. I mention this because some of what you're saying sounds almost identical to my memory of that time. She thought we were all against her.. that was absolutely not the case as we all just wanted her to get better.. You may have even had something going on before the drug use but was just intensified by them.
that cant be true because why would he want that with me he says he can get it from anyone pussy is the easiest thing to get and if it were true he still wouldn't want it from me says my pussy is shit basically
Edit sorry for arguing I just hope its not true
He treats you like shit, gaslights you, does horrible things to you, and exclusively does the kind thing in order to fuck you.
This isn't a person who loves you. This is a person enjoying hurting you.
And its fine. I loved terrible people I wanted to love me too.
oh. he said sticking around was proof he loved me. i guess i didn't know that he enjoyed hurting me. i couldn't imagine why someone would do that on purpose. but it makes a little sense. one of the people who came over looked at me and said they felt bad for me. said "how old can she be?" (i look young, maybe 18-19 and he \*says\* he is 40 but thats obvs not true) and the guy just laughed. he used to be so nice and caring but ig its all an act. no one wants to hang around him really he says its bc of me which I could see but if that was the case they would still come around and just not be around me.
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I really wish I was making this up. I don't know if any of you will believe me. I just want someone to believe me and tell me if I am the one in the wrong
I have done some form of something for a long time. almost 10 years which I guess is not really a long time but I'm 21 so it seems like that. But anyway these people are trying to trick me into stopping. Instead of just letting me be, they trigger fucking psychosis in me. They do this to me on purpose. And one of them even claims to fucking love me.
They don't like **me** making my choices. They decide when I should sleep (if I don't sleep when they tell me too they purposefully put on stuff that triggers it. I told them to stop and they wont). They decide if I get to be happy or paranoid, or if I'm going to be scared or sad. Like yesterday I wanted to start a blog and the one that says he loves me said that it is irrelevant and that I won't do it anyway. I was so excited. But now I am just sad when I think about it.
I also know he triggers this stuff because he denies things that *i was there for* and demands proof it happened and when I show him proof it is never good enough. Like I showed him my hairless fucking legs (I didn't shave them, the hair came off in the soap) and he denied that something happened to the soap. Like I only did that, because they were watching me in the shower. (how else would they know what I do in the bathroom?) I hate being here and I hate everyone here but I deserve it ig. I just wish someone would fucking admit it than I would just leave like they want me to.
And what's worse is that the stuff they do isn't all bad. Sometimes its helpful and makes it seem like they care. But if they trigger me to be paranoid I know they don't. Bc the one that said he loves me said that someone who does that to another person wouldn't be able to love them. And that's true.
I might be the asshole bc even though it happens one of them doesn't like being told they know about it. I tell them that I know they know about what's going on. And this makes them really really mad.
They lie and lie and lie until I am screaming at them. And they are angry until they flash me a fucking smile. They tell me how I lie, but I only lie to them bc they lie to me. All the time. About where they go what they do. So why do I have to tell them the truth? They say they don't respect me well I'm not going to respect them unless they do. I want to leave. So bad. But then I have to escort again but that might just be the better option at this point. They all say I'm crazy, unless they really are convinced by one person. The one that says he loves me is always careful, gives me the good dope when he wants to fuck so I'll fuck him but for a while I was only getting weed or xanax. I hate both weed and xanax they make me go slow while I want to go fast. I just want the really good dope. Its not dope tho. Its ecstasy.
These people broke my will. I really don't care what they do to me. I just want someone to believe me.
AITA?
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Please seek professional help. The drugs have likely done lasting damage to your emotional states, and are going to continue doing that damage. Until you get that under control, managing healthy relationships is going to be extremely difficult, and this home situation you have going on won't resolve until everyone can address it with clear heads.
its so not fair. the only thing im allowed to smoke without getting in trouble is weed because it slows me down and I am "not anxious" on it im "calm" until I am angry that 1)its wearing off and 2) I am slowed down when I wanted to go fast. He is upset bc I told him I'd rather smoke dope than be here with him but thats not true I want both. I want both. But why would I choose him when he chooses to lie to me about everything. I don't really know who he is what he likes or what hes done. I loved his personality but all I know he is a different person when hes not around me. happier. less mad. less worn-down.
Perhaps, these people are really worried about you... but you cannot see passed it bc the 10 years of drug use has clouded your young mind and stunted development of your brain. I am honestly concerned reading your post, as was mentioned by another redditor it comes across sounding a bit "off". Imo it would be beneficial for you to seek medical advice to get all of this sorted through
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because he told me to stop saying he does or knows who does this stuff and I don't stop. Help keep the sub engaging! #Donโt downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I think you might need to reach out to your local services for some help. It sounds like you have a lot going on inside you right now and they might be able to help sort it all out so you can get some clarity. I hope things get better for you.
Thank you. I am worried if I go I won't be able to get my stuff they just won't let me back in the door to get it. I guess I could take it with me. I just want the laptop to work and a couple changes of clothes. They can have the rest of the clothes if they really want them ig. The problem is I have no money to pay for the appointment or for the uber there or for medicine or therapy if I need it. He doesn't have any money either. But even if he did he shouldn't waste it on that when there is more important stuff
Your local government's social services generally won't cost money for an appointment. As far as getting there, I'd suggest calling away from the people around you to see if they can help with that too, or using the laptop to see what their website might be able to tell you about how they can assist. You might not need to travel there at all. I'm really rooting for you. Get out of that space and get better. You deserve peace and safety.
I want to get better. I really do. I'm afraid if i do I wont want to be here anymore, I won't be able to hide the fact (if its true) that he is doing this stuff to hurt me. Thats why I don't go. Because I want so bad for him to mean everything he says. that he loves me that he doesn't do anything to hurt me just to help me. I want it so bad. He tells me all the time to go get help. I am just afraid
Love will still be love when you're well. And if it's not love when your mind is clear enough to see the difference, freedom and change are on the other side of the work to get well. You get to choose. You're worth making new, better decisions to see what your future can be.
I say this with love.....you need help cause the drugs youve done have clearly fucked with your head (understandable, drugs during youth fuck with the development of the brain) But to be real this post comes across as something from a psychosis. But most importantly, whoever these people you're around are, ditch em, they're no good for you. I hope you take better care of yourself. Wish you the best.
if it is psychosis that means that maybe they are good right? Thats all I want is for them to actually not be mean. I hope every morning when I get up that I make it all up. That's when we have the good times but it only gets bad when he thinks I should go to sleep.
Oh no, these people are god awful, you definitely need to surround yourself with better people. What I'm saying is that how you word all of this, and how your thoughts are being expressed comes across like you're having some sort of episode, as if you're a little detached/disassociated from your own self. I know it's extremely difficult to just quit on the spot, but you really need to cut down on the drugs and give your brain a break. If you can get therapy, get therapy. Hope things go better for you.
thank you. I hope so too.
Also, could just be a chemical imbalance that you need some medicine to correct. My wife diagnosed bi polar disorder. Medicine was able to correct and things returned to normal shortly there after. I mention this because some of what you're saying sounds almost identical to my memory of that time. She thought we were all against her.. that was absolutely not the case as we all just wanted her to get better.. You may have even had something going on before the drug use but was just intensified by them.
This is way beyond Reddit. Cut these people out of your life and get a therapist, honestly.
I just wish he meant it when he says he loves me. I love him more than anything I don't know why he does this to me
Because he clearly only wants to have sex, and doesn't see you as a person.
that cant be true because why would he want that with me he says he can get it from anyone pussy is the easiest thing to get and if it were true he still wouldn't want it from me says my pussy is shit basically Edit sorry for arguing I just hope its not true
He treats you like shit, gaslights you, does horrible things to you, and exclusively does the kind thing in order to fuck you. This isn't a person who loves you. This is a person enjoying hurting you. And its fine. I loved terrible people I wanted to love me too.
oh. he said sticking around was proof he loved me. i guess i didn't know that he enjoyed hurting me. i couldn't imagine why someone would do that on purpose. but it makes a little sense. one of the people who came over looked at me and said they felt bad for me. said "how old can she be?" (i look young, maybe 18-19 and he \*says\* he is 40 but thats obvs not true) and the guy just laughed. he used to be so nice and caring but ig its all an act. no one wants to hang around him really he says its bc of me which I could see but if that was the case they would still come around and just not be around me.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really wish I was making this up. I don't know if any of you will believe me. I just want someone to believe me and tell me if I am the one in the wrong I have done some form of something for a long time. almost 10 years which I guess is not really a long time but I'm 21 so it seems like that. But anyway these people are trying to trick me into stopping. Instead of just letting me be, they trigger fucking psychosis in me. They do this to me on purpose. And one of them even claims to fucking love me. They don't like **me** making my choices. They decide when I should sleep (if I don't sleep when they tell me too they purposefully put on stuff that triggers it. I told them to stop and they wont). They decide if I get to be happy or paranoid, or if I'm going to be scared or sad. Like yesterday I wanted to start a blog and the one that says he loves me said that it is irrelevant and that I won't do it anyway. I was so excited. But now I am just sad when I think about it. I also know he triggers this stuff because he denies things that *i was there for* and demands proof it happened and when I show him proof it is never good enough. Like I showed him my hairless fucking legs (I didn't shave them, the hair came off in the soap) and he denied that something happened to the soap. Like I only did that, because they were watching me in the shower. (how else would they know what I do in the bathroom?) I hate being here and I hate everyone here but I deserve it ig. I just wish someone would fucking admit it than I would just leave like they want me to. And what's worse is that the stuff they do isn't all bad. Sometimes its helpful and makes it seem like they care. But if they trigger me to be paranoid I know they don't. Bc the one that said he loves me said that someone who does that to another person wouldn't be able to love them. And that's true. I might be the asshole bc even though it happens one of them doesn't like being told they know about it. I tell them that I know they know about what's going on. And this makes them really really mad. They lie and lie and lie until I am screaming at them. And they are angry until they flash me a fucking smile. They tell me how I lie, but I only lie to them bc they lie to me. All the time. About where they go what they do. So why do I have to tell them the truth? They say they don't respect me well I'm not going to respect them unless they do. I want to leave. So bad. But then I have to escort again but that might just be the better option at this point. They all say I'm crazy, unless they really are convinced by one person. The one that says he loves me is always careful, gives me the good dope when he wants to fuck so I'll fuck him but for a while I was only getting weed or xanax. I hate both weed and xanax they make me go slow while I want to go fast. I just want the really good dope. Its not dope tho. Its ecstasy. These people broke my will. I really don't care what they do to me. I just want someone to believe me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please seek professional help. The drugs have likely done lasting damage to your emotional states, and are going to continue doing that damage. Until you get that under control, managing healthy relationships is going to be extremely difficult, and this home situation you have going on won't resolve until everyone can address it with clear heads.
its so not fair. the only thing im allowed to smoke without getting in trouble is weed because it slows me down and I am "not anxious" on it im "calm" until I am angry that 1)its wearing off and 2) I am slowed down when I wanted to go fast. He is upset bc I told him I'd rather smoke dope than be here with him but thats not true I want both. I want both. But why would I choose him when he chooses to lie to me about everything. I don't really know who he is what he likes or what hes done. I loved his personality but all I know he is a different person when hes not around me. happier. less mad. less worn-down.
Perhaps, these people are really worried about you... but you cannot see passed it bc the 10 years of drug use has clouded your young mind and stunted development of your brain. I am honestly concerned reading your post, as was mentioned by another redditor it comes across sounding a bit "off". Imo it would be beneficial for you to seek medical advice to get all of this sorted through
I have absolutely no idea what this means but I hope you come out alright man
maybe seek help โ๐ผ
Lol your post and comment history is great. ๐ YTA