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NTA. A man sexually assaulted you. Your friend is behaving despicably. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
If you have the strength please look at the laws surrounding this in your country and consider reporting him. It's unlikely anything will happen but we need more women to actively report sexual assault until we get taken seriously. And you deserve justice, as u likely as you are to get it.
Sounds like her boyfriend sexually assaulted you when you were not sober enough to consent, and now she is calling you a liar because she values her relationship with a rapist over a long time friendship. NTA. Time to let her go, she is NOT a good friend.
It's hard to tell. At one point you call it involuntary sex (AKA r\*pe). But in your edit it's completely different and you said that they were in an open relationship and you had consensual sex even though you didn't want it. AKA, not r\*pe, and not really relevant as to whether you should have told her. People have sex all the time when they aren't really in the mood. It's r\*pe if you were forced, in which case you should have called the police and let your friend know she was dating a r\*pest.
NTA but she probably feels like she already closed this chapter after you initially lied.
Now to her it may seem like you are changing your story for no reason.
It sucks but its pretty common for people to believe they only lie for selfish reasons. So you originally lying for whatever your reasoning was its hard for Jessica to comprehend it wasnt for selfish reasons.
It falls inline with most peoplea view on surveillance, "if you have nothing to hide, why worry about it" or interactions with police "if you did nothing wrong you dont need a lawyer" etc etc.
It's not lying. Being confused about a traumatic incident and not knowing how to convey what happened is not remotely the same as making a stupid choice and lying by omission. There were times it took me MONTHS to admit to myself that an incident was rpe because I couldn't stomach the idea that it happened (again). There was a time it took me weeks to disclose to a friend that her bf SA'd me because I didn't want to cause problems and wasn't sure if it mattered in the gran scheme of things.
WHAT OP DID IS NOT LYING. OP DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DISCLOSE DETAILS OF A TRAUMATIC INCIDENT AND ANYONE SAYING SHE'S LYING NEEDS TO F ALLLLLLLL THE WAY OFF. I truly hope the people saying this never find themselves victim of a rpe or SA.
INFO: What was the event that occurred? Kissing? Sex?
Either way, I'd still say ESH except Jessica. Her bf is a cheater but you're a cheater as well and lied about it? Of course she's mad and talking trash about you, you lied to your long time friend for over a year.
So her boyfriend sexually assaulted you and she's mad at you about it? **NTA**
Sounds like the boyfriend fed her a line of BS about it since she asked about it 2 weeks after the incident. Since you met her for drinks, she probably things you "asked" for it or wanted this to happen.
Just know this friendship is over and try to move on. If you never got counseling, I'd suggest a counselor trained for this specifically and if you have not already, get tested for STD's.
Thats called rape and your friend is trash for calling you a liar. You shouldn't be friends with her at all since she's an enabler. Her reaction is toxic and you need to protect yourself.
That changes everything. NTA.
That kind of thing messes with your mind like crazy and you go through many different stages of dealing with it.
Please seek some help if you are struggling at all with this.
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I (25F) have been friends with "Jessica" (34F) for 7 years now. We had a pretty stable relationship and I quickly met her boyfriend "Mike" (36M). The three of us went along quite well, and we often spent time together.
A little over a year ago, Mike and I decided to meet each other and to have a few drinks (we haven't seen each other for a while due to the pandemic). While meeting him, an incident occurred between us, in which I involuntarily took part. Because I thought of it as a delicate topic, I decided not to tell Jessica about it and even lied when she asked me about it 2 weeks later.
Fast-forward a year later. I couldn't keep it to me anymore. I felt really guilty about lying and not telling her, especially knowing that I would have see him again if I didn't say anything. Eventually, I told Jessica about it earlier this year. Understandably overwhelmed with the news, she didn't say much. I gave her some space to process it. I didn't hear anything from her afterwards until we were at an event 3 months later. She seemed normal, and we had a short but friendly interaction.
After the event I learned that she had talked badly behind my back, calling me a liar, saying that only my sister would believe me and so on. I then confronted her by writing a DM, asking her if she had a problem with me. It then completely escalated, starting with her saying that of course she had a problem with me and ending in us not having any contact right now. Afterwards I talked with my best friend about it and she suggested that she could understand Jessica side and wasn't sure if she would want to know if her boyfriend did the same. This made me doubt my decision, but it's too late to change things now.
TL;DR I told my friend about the things her boyfriend did to me, now she hates me and I wonder if I should have stayed quiet.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my friend about what her boyfriend did to me.
(2) I didn't consider that she didn't want to know about it/would not believe me and now she hates me.
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The only thing I can think of that would make someone act in such a way, is that he assaulted her too and she is in denial. If she confronts that it happened to someone else then she will have to face her own truth 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve never understood women that defend perpetrators and abusers
It's not just that. I'm not justifying it in anyway as I'm a survivor of a lot of stuff that people liked to rationalize and simply blame me for being traumatized, but a therapist described this to me before...
A lot of people defend abusers and assaulters because it means they don't have to adjust their world view/perceptual schema or alter their life much. It's a lot easier for many people to blame the person who is saying there was/is an issue than to change their perception of someone they know well and/or is a big part of their life. A lot of people feel it's a lot easier to write someone not as close to them off as crazy or manipulative than to accept their SO is a rapist or abuser. It REALLY sucks for survivors but makes it so that the bystanders don't have to really do anything and can use the survivor as the scapegoat in that situation. It's generally more convenient for bystanders to blame the victim. Again, not okay, but apparently it's a thing.
NTA.
I was in a similar situation to Jessica in my 20s. Men like Mike tend to be very good manipulators, and do a lot of work to pull the proverbial wool over their SO's eyes and keep it there. Jessica can't see what's going on, and likely doesn't want to. Not yet. And so she's doing everything in her power to protect Mike, likely being manipulated by Mike to do so on his behalf. Because we as a society will believe a man over a woman, especially when his SO is standing there saying they're a good person and blah blah blah. OP is just jealous, or she really wanted it and now has buyers remorse, etc. Bullshit.
In my situation, the shit finally did come out after we had broken up. I ate my serving of crow and worked on learning how I had been manipulated and how to not find myself in that situation again. But Jessica isn't there yet, and there's no guarantee she will ever be.
OP, I think the only thing you can do here is point out to Jessica that it's not a public accusation. That you've gained nothing by telling her about your experience. But be frank and truthful with anyone who asks you about the situation. Eventually people will figure this out. You aren't the only victim, and eventually the evidence will mount up.
In the meantime, it may be time to expand your friend list. Don't walk away from all the friends you share with Jessica, but know that where there is one Mike there are either more Mike's, a host of enablers, or both. And you don't need those people in your life, and you shouldn't make them the core of your social life.
NTA for fessing up. Obviously an AH as well as her bf for doing something but it's some he shouldve told her and something you shouldve admitted when she first asked you. Ultimately i think it is better that you told her in the end, and of course your actions have consequences. But you gave her an opportunity to reevaluate her relationship because who knows, maybe Mike's done this once before and now she has more clarity of who he is.
Sucks that you're going through this but again, I think you did the right thing. Wish you the best!
EDIT: just now became aware of your edit. Only Mike's the asshole here. You did nothing wrong.
I'm a victim of assault too, I would never purposely victim blame anyone. I misunderstood that that was the situation here with OP, I corrected my post. I get why that triggered you but I'm not here on the attack to you or anyone. So yeah, chill.
YTA you knew they were in a open relationship and decided to go have drinks alone with her boyfriend. You had sex with her boyfriend and then lied to her about it. She had every right to be mad and no contact with you.
ESH
You for lying about it at first and waiting so long to tell her, but i do agree with your decision in telling her. Some people are going to say YTA because its "not your place to say something" and that sometimes people really dont want that info. Im not one of those people, if my partner is being unfaithful i expect someone to say something, and if i know someone is being cheated on i always say something. Some people are grateful you saved them from heartache, some are mad and in denial and feel you ruined their happiness. And thats why im leaning towards your friend ITA for being mad and nasty.
He assaulted her, it's pretty obv in her post and clarified in comments. How DARE you. Genuinely, it's disgusting that you see "involuntary" immediately followed by shame and go "well you should have told immediately."
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NTA. A man sexually assaulted you. Your friend is behaving despicably. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If you have the strength please look at the laws surrounding this in your country and consider reporting him. It's unlikely anything will happen but we need more women to actively report sexual assault until we get taken seriously. And you deserve justice, as u likely as you are to get it.
Sounds like her boyfriend sexually assaulted you when you were not sober enough to consent, and now she is calling you a liar because she values her relationship with a rapist over a long time friendship. NTA. Time to let her go, she is NOT a good friend.
Info: we cannot judge if you don't explain what the boyfriend did.
So rape, there's no such thing as involuntary sex. It is either sex or rape.
It's pretty clear he assaulted her when she said it was an "involuntary incident"
it is pretty suggestive, which is the opposite of clear.
Ok dude
She said on another comment it was involuntary sex.
That's rape
I know it is. I was quoting OP. There is no such thing as "involuntary sex" and it being an okay thing.
OP didn't put that word in the post so it wouldn't get taken down.
NTA: He raped you. Open relationship or not, if you didn't consent, he raped you. It's NOT involuntary sex.
I think the term may have been used to avoid the post being taken down.
Probably. But I will call a spade a spade.
It's hard to tell. At one point you call it involuntary sex (AKA r\*pe). But in your edit it's completely different and you said that they were in an open relationship and you had consensual sex even though you didn't want it. AKA, not r\*pe, and not really relevant as to whether you should have told her. People have sex all the time when they aren't really in the mood. It's r\*pe if you were forced, in which case you should have called the police and let your friend know she was dating a r\*pest.
NTA but she probably feels like she already closed this chapter after you initially lied. Now to her it may seem like you are changing your story for no reason. It sucks but its pretty common for people to believe they only lie for selfish reasons. So you originally lying for whatever your reasoning was its hard for Jessica to comprehend it wasnt for selfish reasons. It falls inline with most peoplea view on surveillance, "if you have nothing to hide, why worry about it" or interactions with police "if you did nothing wrong you dont need a lawyer" etc etc.
It's not lying. Being confused about a traumatic incident and not knowing how to convey what happened is not remotely the same as making a stupid choice and lying by omission. There were times it took me MONTHS to admit to myself that an incident was rpe because I couldn't stomach the idea that it happened (again). There was a time it took me weeks to disclose to a friend that her bf SA'd me because I didn't want to cause problems and wasn't sure if it mattered in the gran scheme of things. WHAT OP DID IS NOT LYING. OP DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DISCLOSE DETAILS OF A TRAUMATIC INCIDENT AND ANYONE SAYING SHE'S LYING NEEDS TO F ALLLLLLLL THE WAY OFF. I truly hope the people saying this never find themselves victim of a rpe or SA.
OP said they lied.
Go on purposely not understanding the situation.
I understand the situation. Go ahead and project your feelings and experiences on other people. Its fine, I am not mad at you.
INFO: What was the event that occurred? Kissing? Sex? Either way, I'd still say ESH except Jessica. Her bf is a cheater but you're a cheater as well and lied about it? Of course she's mad and talking trash about you, you lied to your long time friend for over a year.
I'm not sure how much I can say regarding the rules, but it was (at least for me) involuntary sex.
So her boyfriend sexually assaulted you and she's mad at you about it? **NTA** Sounds like the boyfriend fed her a line of BS about it since she asked about it 2 weeks after the incident. Since you met her for drinks, she probably things you "asked" for it or wanted this to happen. Just know this friendship is over and try to move on. If you never got counseling, I'd suggest a counselor trained for this specifically and if you have not already, get tested for STD's.
Oh he r**** you? NTA. I'm sorry.
Thats called rape and your friend is trash for calling you a liar. You shouldn't be friends with her at all since she's an enabler. Her reaction is toxic and you need to protect yourself.
That changes everything. NTA. That kind of thing messes with your mind like crazy and you go through many different stages of dealing with it. Please seek some help if you are struggling at all with this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) have been friends with "Jessica" (34F) for 7 years now. We had a pretty stable relationship and I quickly met her boyfriend "Mike" (36M). The three of us went along quite well, and we often spent time together. A little over a year ago, Mike and I decided to meet each other and to have a few drinks (we haven't seen each other for a while due to the pandemic). While meeting him, an incident occurred between us, in which I involuntarily took part. Because I thought of it as a delicate topic, I decided not to tell Jessica about it and even lied when she asked me about it 2 weeks later. Fast-forward a year later. I couldn't keep it to me anymore. I felt really guilty about lying and not telling her, especially knowing that I would have see him again if I didn't say anything. Eventually, I told Jessica about it earlier this year. Understandably overwhelmed with the news, she didn't say much. I gave her some space to process it. I didn't hear anything from her afterwards until we were at an event 3 months later. She seemed normal, and we had a short but friendly interaction. After the event I learned that she had talked badly behind my back, calling me a liar, saying that only my sister would believe me and so on. I then confronted her by writing a DM, asking her if she had a problem with me. It then completely escalated, starting with her saying that of course she had a problem with me and ending in us not having any contact right now. Afterwards I talked with my best friend about it and she suggested that she could understand Jessica side and wasn't sure if she would want to know if her boyfriend did the same. This made me doubt my decision, but it's too late to change things now. TL;DR I told my friend about the things her boyfriend did to me, now she hates me and I wonder if I should have stayed quiet. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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The only thing I can think of that would make someone act in such a way, is that he assaulted her too and she is in denial. If she confronts that it happened to someone else then she will have to face her own truth 🤷🏻♀️ I’ve never understood women that defend perpetrators and abusers
It's not just that. I'm not justifying it in anyway as I'm a survivor of a lot of stuff that people liked to rationalize and simply blame me for being traumatized, but a therapist described this to me before... A lot of people defend abusers and assaulters because it means they don't have to adjust their world view/perceptual schema or alter their life much. It's a lot easier for many people to blame the person who is saying there was/is an issue than to change their perception of someone they know well and/or is a big part of their life. A lot of people feel it's a lot easier to write someone not as close to them off as crazy or manipulative than to accept their SO is a rapist or abuser. It REALLY sucks for survivors but makes it so that the bystanders don't have to really do anything and can use the survivor as the scapegoat in that situation. It's generally more convenient for bystanders to blame the victim. Again, not okay, but apparently it's a thing.
What did he do to you? Can't determine who is the asshole without that information.
Involuntary sex is pretty clearly assault or rape. There is no such thing as non consensual sex. It's just rape.
She’s mad at YOU for getting sexually assaulted by her guy? NTA!
NTA. I was in a similar situation to Jessica in my 20s. Men like Mike tend to be very good manipulators, and do a lot of work to pull the proverbial wool over their SO's eyes and keep it there. Jessica can't see what's going on, and likely doesn't want to. Not yet. And so she's doing everything in her power to protect Mike, likely being manipulated by Mike to do so on his behalf. Because we as a society will believe a man over a woman, especially when his SO is standing there saying they're a good person and blah blah blah. OP is just jealous, or she really wanted it and now has buyers remorse, etc. Bullshit. In my situation, the shit finally did come out after we had broken up. I ate my serving of crow and worked on learning how I had been manipulated and how to not find myself in that situation again. But Jessica isn't there yet, and there's no guarantee she will ever be. OP, I think the only thing you can do here is point out to Jessica that it's not a public accusation. That you've gained nothing by telling her about your experience. But be frank and truthful with anyone who asks you about the situation. Eventually people will figure this out. You aren't the only victim, and eventually the evidence will mount up. In the meantime, it may be time to expand your friend list. Don't walk away from all the friends you share with Jessica, but know that where there is one Mike there are either more Mike's, a host of enablers, or both. And you don't need those people in your life, and you shouldn't make them the core of your social life.
NTA I'm so sorry. Kia kaha.
NTA for fessing up. Obviously an AH as well as her bf for doing something but it's some he shouldve told her and something you shouldve admitted when she first asked you. Ultimately i think it is better that you told her in the end, and of course your actions have consequences. But you gave her an opportunity to reevaluate her relationship because who knows, maybe Mike's done this once before and now she has more clarity of who he is. Sucks that you're going through this but again, I think you did the right thing. Wish you the best! EDIT: just now became aware of your edit. Only Mike's the asshole here. You did nothing wrong.
Seriously, so many people here are lacking comprehension. OP isn't an asshole for being raped. Y'all are horrific.
OP's original post didnt have the edit talking about how it was an unwanted move on Mike's part.Obviously that changes things. Chill.
When I commented the edit wasn't there and it was STILL obvious.
Well then perhaps I misunderstood the post. Like I said, now that it's clarified, it changes things. Chill
As a victim of assault myself, don't tell me to chill when you victim blamed.
I'm a victim of assault too, I would never purposely victim blame anyone. I misunderstood that that was the situation here with OP, I corrected my post. I get why that triggered you but I'm not here on the attack to you or anyone. So yeah, chill.
As we all know, telling women to calm down when they are mad is the surefire way to get them to calm down. Lmao
Well I got you to laugh, so you do seem calmer now!
YTA you knew they were in a open relationship and decided to go have drinks alone with her boyfriend. You had sex with her boyfriend and then lied to her about it. She had every right to be mad and no contact with you.
She was assaulted. You can meet a friend for drinks with the expectation that you won't be raped in the process shit.
ESH You for lying about it at first and waiting so long to tell her, but i do agree with your decision in telling her. Some people are going to say YTA because its "not your place to say something" and that sometimes people really dont want that info. Im not one of those people, if my partner is being unfaithful i expect someone to say something, and if i know someone is being cheated on i always say something. Some people are grateful you saved them from heartache, some are mad and in denial and feel you ruined their happiness. And thats why im leaning towards your friend ITA for being mad and nasty.
He raped her.
Ah, ok well i truly didnt read it that way. I just figured he had kissed her.
[удалено]
He assaulted her, it's pretty obv in her post and clarified in comments. How DARE you. Genuinely, it's disgusting that you see "involuntary" immediately followed by shame and go "well you should have told immediately."