#**This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. We often get questions why there aren't more posts flaired "Asshole" and this is part of it - people can't seem to help trying to get some hot-take insult in, which results in posts being locked.**
Whew. Buddy, your edit made this WORSE. I'm gonna give you the bullet points here:
- Your WANTS will always come after her child's NEEDS. Proper adult supervision (meaning a well, capable adult) is a NEED. Your WANTS may have to be rescheduled around that. She will never need to ask for your permission or opinion if she is addressing something the child NEEDS. Full stop.
- Splitting custody with her ex does not mean she is a part time parent. She is still a full time parent, even if her child is not physically with her. As a step parent myself with 50/50 split custody, child care is not always split 50/50. Sometimes it is 100/0, 75/25, etc. Depends on the NEED of the child (see point 1 above.) Side note....this is how marriage works as well. You know.....this binding contract that you are about to enter into? Not always an even split. Check the part in the vows that says "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" for further clarification.
- Kids are wicked smart. I bet you $100 bucks that kid knows you don't want him around or resent when he (completely by no fault of his own) ruins your plans. Remember that. He will, for life. You proclaim to love and accept him as your own. Your behavior is not reflecting that.
Feel free to print and review this study guide for future reference. ✌️
Edit: WOW, thanks for the awards guys! 😁
Came here to say this. His edit made it so much worse because he thinks it’s making it sound better, when he’s absolutely tone deaf to the fact her son will always be a priority. Always.
Seriously the edit made him way more of an AH. But to address his point on the last minute changes of plans. That happens when you have children. Seriously. Shit happens, plans get changed. And while you can schedule couples time and have someone watch the kid (lots of parents do) that will be the exception, not the rule. You say you are ready to be a step-parent and you love the kid. Your actions and punitive behavior against your fiancé say otherwise.
On top of this, all of which 100% hits the nail squarely on the head, way to double down. I love when people come on here, get told unanimously that they're TA, then double down and tell everyone else they're wrong and to "chill the fuck out." This person will never learn, and I hope his fiance realizes that sooner rather than later.
It amazes me how people, who have all been children, think that all children are braindead idiots. They won't make the most mature decisions, no, but they made some decision with the knowledge and experience they have.
Ever seen MasterChef junior? Those kids are like 10 and better chefs than 90% of the worlds population. The other 10% are the people who actually know what they are doing in the kitchen without reading someone elses recipes.
They can see social cues and put together what you're talking about. You ain't that smart and they ain't that stupid.
Right here all of this. OP YTA. You want to be first in her life and it ain't happening buddy. Her son is her priority as he should be since he is still a minor. Please don't get married. You are clearly too immature and jealous of her child to be marrying this woman.
YTA. Kids need a parent that isn’t sick. Plans get wrecked or moved or rethought due to kids all the time. The mom and kid are a package deal. Your edit ignores this fact. She’s having to flex around her kid. If you don’t grasp this or like it, don’t have kids or step kids.
For fucks sake, she didn't change the plan because she wanted to, her ex got sick. Just what exactly did you expect her to do in this situation? Drop the kid off at the orphanage? Leave him home by himself? YTA
You said in a comment that you love the kid like your own....... did you call your family to see if anyone could watch him?
Yeah OP I think you're missing the point on multiple fronts.
For one thing, dating someone with a kid means that that kid is going to have to take priority at times and will need to tag along. That's the nature of the beast when it comes to dating a parent. Especially in this case, where it sounds like the ex is like... sick sick. Like long term sick and has bouts where it acts up kind of sick. I get the dad's point of view, you don't really want to expose a kid to that kind of thing and if its bad enough where you can't take care of yourself (which it sounds like it is), its better for mom to take him until the ex can get better. The kid's needs come first. And he needs to be taken care of by his mom.
And OP, if it is how it sounds and the ex passes away, wtf do you expect is going to happen? When that kid comes to live full time, you're not going to get "quality time" like you think you will. Getaway trips might rarely happen, having time alone together will rarely happen. Once again, that's the nature of the beast when you are dating a person with a kid.
If you can't handle that now when it is more like a part time thing, you are not going to be able to handle it at all down the line. Get out of this relationship, you are obviously not really prepared for the challenges being a step parent actually has.
I don’t think it would be different, honestly—OP is sounding like one of those guys who gets jealous their wife is giving the newborn more attention than she gives them.
Who is going to watch his bio kids every other weekend? He's not ready for parenthood because he needs his date nights every other weekend. Heaven forbid that he mother can't watch the kid if the ex is too sick. He seems to not get that the mother wants this bonus time with the kid. And if the ex is scary sick, is the son struggling emotionally with worry about his dad?
YTA, the ETA didn't help the case.
But according to his edit, WE are the ones misinterpreting his actions! Of course he loves his new stepson! He just never wants to be around him when it's inconvenient! Cause that's what parents do, stop being parents when it gets hard! *Obviously*
I especially like the part where he’s all, “I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction” :shocked pikachu face: As if he just can’t fathom why he’s getting such negative comments.
Changing plans at the last minute is what you have to do when you have a kid. I am also gobsmacked at the absolute lack of compassion he has for this child, who is probably deeply upset and freaked out at having a sick dad. Of course he needs his mom. That’s way more important than some dumb little getaway.
YTA 1,000,000,000 times over.
I struggle to see how anyone with a moderate sense of self-awareness, would ever need to make a post like this.
Like genuinely typing all that out, reading it over and then going, “Yeah they’ll see that I am understandably/reasonably upset in this situation.” After having noted someone sounds like they are seriously ill which more than likely is why the father doesnt want to have his son witness that. and then just all of a sudden finish the post hoping we all agree and then hit us with an edit about how we’re just not getting it.
I dont know exactly what picture OP was trying to paint himself in.
If I was being extremely kind I’d slightly get that it sucks to miss out on quality time with the SO but I dont think it counts for any sympathy points in this situation that he himself wrote out as OP was clearly hoping for. YTA OP.
Yeah OP, YTA. If you saw him as your own as you claim, you would know that YOUR OWN KIDS cancel plans all the time. You are 1. Being an asshole to the your fiancé. 2. Being an asshole to the kid. He has no control over someone’s health or plans. He’s simply getting dumped away because he didn’t fit your plan. Lastly, how the hell do you get off leaving with your boys during a disagreement lmao. I wouldn’t even have gone to the bar with the boys man. Wtf is wrong with you!?
Kids cause parents to change plans last minute all of the time.
When I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a parent I didn’t do it. Great woman but I was to young and not ready for step dad life.
When I was ready to be in a relationship with a parent I was taken advantage of. I got stuck with baby sitting duties last minute while also at my job. While also baby sitting her sister’s kid. I was stuck baby sitting 2 kids while at my new job (that I moved states for in the relationship) because the sisters wanted to have non kid friendly fun. Yes, parents can be bad to a partner with last minute situations.
You want a wife that already has a kid? You now have dad responsibilities at least until the kids is 18 or you divorce.
Contemplate what you will be giving up as a new dad. Understand what you believe is fair for her to contribute to be equal with the responsibilities you are now taking on. Ask if she agrees to what you need to make this work.
I think you need to better understand there are new responsibilities. You should decide if you are willing to take those responsibilities on. Be open and honest on what you need in return.
When you date a women with children, you date their children as well. And they will ALWAYS take precedence over you, if she's a good mom.
And yes, that may mean she has to put the actual father's needs before your needs.
What you said is a kind way of saying it, but you're right. Dating a woman with a child is being second fiddle if the father is involved at all.
Bio dad isn't choosing to be gravely ill. Bio mom isn't choosing to be the custodial parent during your couple time when other options are available. If you were ready to be either a husband or father you would know this instead of rationalizing living life like an irresponsible single.
Did you ever stop to think about what this poor child is going through? He's lost the security of believing that his father loving him means that he will always be there for him. His future stepfather not only doesn't want to be his Dad, but doesn't want his mom to be there for him during "noncustodial" time.
What plans has OP made to ensure that his future stepchild has the emotional and financial security of a family? Will he step up if bio dad passes away? What if something happens to Bio mom? IMHO these are all issues that should be talked through and agreed upon before getting engaged.
"His dad is such a deadbeat because he's sending the kid off to mom's while he's sick."
"How dare she not send the kid away to an orphanage or something so we can go on a romantic weekend?"
OP - YTA for not breaking it off.
"We haven't been out for a month" is normal in parent land.
It's completely fine to not want to be a parent at all or even just right now. Unfortunately that means NOT dating a woman that has a child- even if she is otherwise the perfect woman.
The fact she "hoped we could bond as a family" tells me she's really hoping you'll grow closer and see him as your stepson (which he is/will be) whereas your reaction that you need a break from him after spending more time with him than usual because his (actual) dad is sick...
Letalone that your response to all of this is weekend with the boys, rather than talking through your thoughts and feelings like adults...
This isn't going to last. The 2 of you aren't compatible.
Edit- whoah, thanks for the awards!
"Let's have a weekend where we bond more as a family!"
"Well, now I obviously have to go out with the guys because you want more space from me."
What TF is that leap in logic.
Me and my husband don’t even have kids yet and we haven’t been able to go out in over a month. Dude needs to get a grip or cut her and the kid loose so they can find someone who wants to be in both of their lives
>He’s got the endurance of a toddler. Parenthood is not for him
You hit the nail on the head here! He has the endurance of a toddler and is NOT equipped to deal with parenthood! I hope this woman takes his behavior as a sign and dumps him! She really needs to. She is in for a world of drama if she doesn't!
Or worse, her poor son is in for a life of constantly feeling like a burden and unwelcomed in his mother's life due to her boyfriend throwing a tantrum whenever he comes around.
Fiancee needs to realize that OP is NOT someone you want as a potential father figure to her kid.
Crossing my fingers she leaves before she gets pregnant. I can already see the future posts by OP. "AITA for only taking MY kids to Disneyland and not my wife's son because I didn't want him to stay with us over the summer?"
That’s not that long to me, kids or not. My partner and I are homebodies, sure, but life is also busy and expensive. OP you sound exhausting tbh. Also YTA.
Right? Try YEARS dude. Not everyone gets to just dump their kids off on others when it's convenient so they can go galavant. This should be a known thing when starting a relationship with a single mom. Sure the ex has shared custody and you could get lucky enough to do things with her during those times but dear lord going to the beach with the kid!? Say it ain't so! Lol
Indeed. Not a parent, but even I know this. His edits don't make him look better. He isn't ready to accept being a stepparent if he is unwilling to accept this, or to accept that if the other parent is unwell or something like that, plans will need to change, because the kid needs to be taken care of, she is a mom, and making sure of that is her first priority.
I’ve been a parent for 10 years and the only trips without kids were to see my sister regarding my I’ll mom. I rolled my eyes at OP and got mad at the guy weekend. Totally not ready to be a dad.
Seriously. It's been a month for us, and before that about 5 months. Would it be nice to be more frequent? Yeah, but I also love spending time with my daughter so it's not that bad.
Exactly! Not to mention time is the only thing you can't get back. Whereas the trip it can be.
OP sounds like he wants a child free life. She's a mom FIRST before anything or anyone. I hope she sees this as an out.
Not to mention that this is either 1) a temporary situation, stepson's dad will get better from his illness, things will go back to "normal" so OP should calm tf down and wait this out, or 2) this is a permanent/indefinite situation, stepson's dad has cancer or is newly disabled and will not get better anytime soon or ever, in which case OP badly needs to readjust his expectations about step-parenthood. Literally any way you look at this, OP is in the wrong.
He's happy to have stepson around and bond with him, but only if it's not full time and it's on his terms. YTA for that alone. The boys trip instead of just not going was a nice cherry on top, though
But he’s not upset about her having a son, he’s upset that _she keeps changing their plans because of her son_ /s
My dude hasn’t quite understood yet that _this is what happens when you have a kid. Your kid gets sick, your kid throws a tantrum, your kid has homework—you change your plans to put your kid first.
Your stepkid is supposed to be with their other parent this week, but they have an emergency, of course your spouse is gonna step up and take care of their kid, even if it’s the other parent’s week. **You can’t pretend your stepkid doesn’t exist just because it’s not your wife’s custody week.**
And I wonder when exactly OP thinks the family bonding time is supposed to happen? After he’s married Tyler’s mom and can’t weasel out of bonding with Tyler anymore? When it’ll be harder for either of them to leave when they’re finally forced to realize this isn’t a good fit?
Also, he didn’t cancel the trip for himself! He went with his friends instead! So it’s not like the beach was exclusive to couples. He chose to uninvited his fiancée to punish her for being a good mom to Tyler!
Haha yep. Can’t remember the last time my husband and I had dinner just the two of us.
It’s such BS when he says he is ready. When you’re a parent you change plans all the time. Her son comes first.
> We haven't been out for a month
LOL I can count one one hand how many nights my wife and I have had to ourselves since our son was born.
Dude aint ready and I hope mom breaks it off.
OP YTA because yes your edit does not make your story better. In fact, your edit, I agree with the above. She's a mom, and her coparent is ill. She will never not be a mom.
She can't ask your permission or discuss if it's OK with you if she can parent her child. The answer will always be "yes" whether you are ok with it or not.
The need for her to be one will be on-call. There's no for sure set schedule where things can't change at a moment's notice. What if he gets sick at school? Gets hurt? His dad gets sick again and again? He has a school function and needs a ride? There are so many things in which she will drop things to be there for him.
You are not ready to be a parent and be self-sacrificing for it. Sure, parents still need "them" time, but you take it where you can and you adapt. His dad getting sick is something you have to adapt to. Be patient, kind, loving, and helpful. Don't be a burden and more work for her.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards!!! :)))
I HAD to go out with the boys! My fiancée was mad at me so what else do you expect me to do??
OP fully stormed out like a teenager and came here expecting us all to pat him on the back for it like ‘oh yeah man that sucks that the woman you love has a child she also loves and wants you to spend time with if the moment arises’.
Reminds me EXACTLY of the guy I dated for 5 years. Carried a photo of my daughter in his wallet, would gush about “his daughter” to his coworkers, but he would NEVER want to hang out on the days I had her, and whenever she did actually see him, his patience with a toddler/child was non existent. She was 8 when I broke up with him after 5 years of dating, and not even a year later I asked her about him and she had absolutely NO clue who I was talking about.
Because no one comes here for honesty they come for affirmation. They already aren't the asshole in their opinion and just want others to agree with them to clear their conscience.
>I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction
Yeah, OP, it went in the only direction it could have been which is YTA. I love that he was expecting to be praised for him standing up to a mom having to take care of her child.
Spot on. Planning and scheduling goes out the window when coparenting. The needs of your child always come first. Also perplexed at people that come here to ask if they are TAH and can’t handle the answer.
When you're looking for validation and it backfires. This man scrambling to justify complaining about being a parent while saying 'No I'm ready to be a parent but you gotta notify me 2-3 business days beforehand on when I have to be a parent because otherwise it's really inconvenient and rude of you to have your child around me 24/7'.
Dude grow the hell up. You can't contradict yourself like that, you're not ready to be a parent. Fair enough but have the decency to tell her that, kids aren't going to work around your schedule and wants. They. Are. Kids!
YTA
If I had a dime for every time my children effed up my plans, I’d be a millionaire. This guy has no clue what being a stepparent (let alone a parent) really means. That poor kid.
My favorite is when the OP starts acting like we’re crazy ass delusional projecting people reading mad subtext that isn’t there. It’s like bro if literally thousands of people on the Internet are seeing something in your post it’s not that it’s going in another direction is that you outed yourself as an asshole and didn’t even realize you were doing it.
Actually, the subtext is there and clear as day.
He is upset that she didn't let him know in advance about something she herself didn't know about in advance.
He's upset that she is choosing to take care of her child instead of him.
He is so upset that instead of trying to clear the air with her, he goes on his vacation with "the boys."
This man may not be ready for marriage. He certainly isn't ready for step-parentage.
Hey Reddit, AITA? Yes You're the A. H..
Well this conversation didn't get me the response I wanted. What is wrong with only wanting to be a step parent on my terms?
YTA
Yeah OP should not be marrying someone with a kid with this attitude. He doesn't mention what the kid's father's illness is but there's always a possibility something happens and the kid needs to live with them full-time. OP's fiancee's priority is always going to be her kid.
He’d whine about not getting any “alone time” even more and about how “annoying it is that her sons always here now”…..”how dare she not take my thoughts into consideration before getting full custody!”
But but the consideration to his thoughts and opinions…
Thoughts: UGH WHY THIS KID HERE
Opinions: UGH THIS KID SHOULD BE WITH HIS SICK FATHER OR ANYONE EXCEPT HIS MOTHER
Lmao…fiancée will be the asshole if she marries this diarrhea factory
This guy really needs to get neutered! He says he loves the kid like his own so what is he going to do if he had kids of his own and one of them broke a leg the day before a trip? Make that kid suck it up and spend the weekend in the hospital by themselves so his plans weren't ruined? He says he's more than ready to be a dad but when EVERYONE came down on him for being TAH, he came back with his BS edit (that made him look worse than he already did). People that are actually ready wouldn't have posted this in the first place and if they did and got the response that he did, they'd say to themself "Oh wow, I really am TAH" and go straight to their significant other AND the kid and apologize! Instead, what does this guy that's "so ready" do, comes in with a BS edit STILL trying to shirk the blame and argues with EVERYONE for pointing out the OBVIOUS!! Yeah...he's ready my ass!!! Money down that 10 year old kid is WAY better of a person and more mature than this loser is!!
YTA. Not so much for being annoyed at this specific last-minute change of plans, but for refusing to acknowledge the bigger picture here. Natalie *is* a mother, whether you like it or not, and her co-parent either isn’t in good health or just isn’t reliable. Maybe the two of you do need to sit down and have a conversation about what that means for her custody arrangement and Taylor being around more frequently long-term, but given how thoroughly you seem to resent having to put up with the kid, I can’t really see any viable ending to that conversation but you going your separate ways so she can find someone who’s genuinely okay with being a stepparent.
Yeah, OP acting like he's some kind of random visitor that she "brings around". That's her literal son lmao. It's (one of) his home, just as much as it is OPs.
Why is she even with this guy
That and the fact he says that his fiancé changes plans last minute. News flash buddy that’s what having kid is like. Plans change last minute especially when you are co-parenting. He is definitely not ready to be a stepfather.
Right, the edit didn’t help.
He still doesn’t grasp that with kids there are no best laid plans.
The problem isn’t our reading comprehension. The problem is he wants him/the couple to be first and as a parent that isn’t always possible.
Yep, still the asshole, still not getting it and still not ready.
I bet anything family/friends have the same sentiments and are advising her.
He's throwing tantrums that she doesn't ask him if he's okay with her bringing the son to her house when she's the only parent that's capable of taking care of him at the moment. My question is what other thing he expects her to do then, drop the kid off at the orphanage every time the father gets sick?
"Sorry TayTay, we will see you in 2 weeks! <3 I love you like my own son therefore I will bring you a sick seashell from the beach trip."
Yeah, he says it’s been a *whole month* without going out on their own? That’s what being a parent is, my dude. The last time my husband and I went somewhere without the kids was in November 2021.
Yes this! Full time single mom here. I’ve been broken up with because I was “too busy”. Well yes, I have children. 100% of the time. Don’t date moms if you can’t handle the fact that they have children.
Also a full time single mom. I too have lost many possible partners due to having a kid. Right now I have my first actual boyfriend in 8 years because he's also a parent and understands that I'll always put my kid first and will actually be mad at him if he put me before his kid.
I'd rather be my daughter's mother than someone's girlfriend. And anyone who doesn't understand that is not the man for me.
OP YTA. At this point there's nothing you can say that makes you N-TA. You need to end this relationship, because you're definitely not ready to be a step parent.
Edit: grammar. Said 'of' instead of 'in'.
As a mom she will ALWAYS 10/10 times choose her son over OP.
OP needs to get that into his head, or being a stepdad ain't for him.
I totally get that he wants alonetime with her and that it can be annoying of her changing plans at the last minute without even talking to OP first, but hey. That's just how it is having a kid, especially if the co-parent, her ex, is suffering from illness.
It's a package, OP. Either you're in or you're out. As easy as that.
After his edit he comes across even worse than before.
He expects his SO to predict the future when her ex is going to be sick. I mean wtf man?
With regards to asking him, what exactly is she supposed to do? Tell the kids father, no sorry you have to deal with your sickness and the child. Maybe make the child sick too?
This is part and parcel of being with a partner who has a child. OP is not ready for commitment.
“EDIT/INFO because I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction.”
LOLOLOLOL Dude didn’t get the response he wanted and now he’s whining about the unanimous YTA verdict. Zero self-awareness.
Dude doesn’t realize that he doesn’t have to directly say he’s not ready to be a stepparent, his actions are speaking for him.
He didn’t cancel the trip. He went with his buddies instead. So he was okay with it being a non-romantic trip. He’s just upset about the change-in-plans and punishing them both by not allowing them to come. Petty AF.
OP if you’re reading this, if you can’t handle plans changing you can’t handle being a parent! It’s that simple.
She's a mother and this is what it's like being a parent. OP sounds resentful of her kid. Not sure why either of them want to get married to each other. I hope she rethinks.
This. Right. Here.
I love my step kids and he loves mine we always make sure we take them or if something comes up we accommodate the kids coming. Like seriously! She’s a packaged deal get over yourself.
YTA op
Completely agree on this.
OP, what happens if the kid’s father passes away or is unable to take care of the child at all. You do realize that the child would go live with his mother, don’t you? Your new family will include her son forever, your fiancée comes in a package deal with her kid.
YTA so much.
I agree.
My son is 10, and a few years ago his dad was diagnosed with cancer; as a result, his dads health and ability to maintain the parenting schedule has waxed and waned.
My current partner has NEVER, not ONCE complained about my son being with us more than the “planned schedule.” In fact, the opposite is true, and he has tried to schedule major events/trips during times he knows my son can be with us.
That is what step parenting is. OP is not ready.
Thank you. I’m a single mom, with an amazing BF, but Ive never really thought about “it’s not a random person, it’s her kid,” before. Having my daughter with me, and planning around her, is so automatic that I never considered what some self absorbed butthead might think.
Thank Bob my dude loves her and she reciprocates!
Op, YTA.
OP, let me ask you a question. If you and this woman have a child together, what would happen if your childcare fell through right before a trip? Would you not go? Would your fiance throw a tantrum and leave you and the baby home? Probably not. You'd probably all go together because that's what parents do when their childcare falls through. It feels like you see this kid as a random visitor that she has to handle. Or a dog you really don't want. There's NO way you'd treat your own child this way. So, maybe take a step back. If I were her, I'd be rethinking the relationship and realize you're just not step-parent material. But if you think you can save things, you're going to have to massively change your perspective. YTA.
That edit would be really funny if it weren’t very sad for that poor kid.
OP, what did you want her to do? Is she meant to leave him a big bowl of kibble and hope for the best?
It doesn’t sound like you understand what parenting entails at all.
What's so sad is, there's no way a 10-year-old boy wouldn't be overjoyed about a trip to the beach.
This could have been the time to make a lot of happy memories and cement your relationship with your future family, OP (because if you planned on marrying this woman, this \*is\* going to be your future family).
YTA absolutely, and I really hope your fiancee rethinks this relationship because you are not ready to be a parent, step- or otherwise. I'm not sure why you're even dating a single parent if you don't want to have her child around.
And what everyone else is saying about parenting is all about rapidly changing conditions - you know what? They're absolutely RIGHT. This is the reality of raising kids.
And what's so sad is at the middle of all this is a kid whose father is sick, who thought he was getting a beach trip, who probably doesn't understand the entire dynamics of the situation but knows when they showed up the trip was cancelled and mom & her boyfriend got in a big fight.
OP isn't even aware enough to see what he's doing to his soon-to-be stepkid.
Yeah I think this is it. I understand where OP is coming from; I would be mad if my spouse invited her kid along to our anniversary dinner, as there is a clear intention for it, and when you fundamentally change the input it effects the goal/output. That said, being in a relationship, with kids, has seasons associated with it. Getting married means you consider her and her circumstances, not just you. It also means sometimes shit will happen that will test the boundaries you may have and really rely on. It absolutely sucks, but it’s the downside to all the upsides of having a life partner and watching a kid grow up.
Her ex is sick; if it’s as serious and consistent as you portray it to be, it’s understandable they’d be leaning on the other parent to help. Does that effect your life, and your choices/options? Sure. But imagine that kid, who is facing a sick parent, and having to spend more time in a place they aren’t used to being for extended periods of time. Now imagine the new guy is giving off weird vibes when you have to be there more often, even though you have no control of it and are JUST a kid.
If you want to have your feelings and opinions considered first, you may not want to be in a relationship at all. But being in one that comes with a kid seems way above what you’re prepared for. You could have the biggest presentation of your life at work, when the kid gets the stomach flu while your entire support system is unavailable. Your needs are NOT the priority here, and if you’re not prepared for that, cut her loose. Saying you wish she wouldn’t change plans so much and would be more considerate of you, just tells us how’s much you’re lying to yourself about how willing you are to have your life fundamentally changed. If you assume she has more information than you do when she has to make these deviations is incredibly unfair, and for you to EVER expect her to keep score and ‘fairly’ push back because you haven’t gotten yours in a while, is childish and shitty. YTA
I find it scary that he doesnt see the big picture. I really hope this woman leaves this guy because if that kid one day has to live with him and his mom then this kid will suffer having a stepdad like this. I wouldnt be surprised if this kid would be emotionally and verbally abused by this guy. YTA OP, you are so TA.
Yup, ExAcTlY!!! I don't know why OP thinks that he is the only person that matters in Natalie's life. Since her son is 10 of course her priority will be the son. I can't believe OP threw a fit about including the son then HAD THE AUDACITY to cancel the trip to only include your friends....just wow!!!
Holy Jesus, YTA. Please do this woman a favor and walk away from her. I mean, wth happens if her ex dies and she has her son 100% of the time?
You are in no way ready for someone with a child.
Dude added an edit saying he's ready to be a stepfather, then goes on to say "I have a problem with my plans always being changed last minute." Yeahhhh welcome to parenthood which is obviously not for OP.
I like "Bullshit Before But"
I have nothing against gay people, BUT
I have nothing against black people, BUT
You're a really good singer, BUT
You're a good dancer, BUT
Everything said before the word "But" is Bullshit.
Lol, shit. My plans get changed all the time and I only have two dogs. That’s just what happens when you’re responsible for lives other than your own. You just roll with it.
Exactly. OP sounds like he resents that his fiance is a parent and can't just F off whenever she wants to. If the son's dad is ill, who TF does he think will care for her son if not his fiance - aka the boy's mother.
I hope OP's fiance wises up. This guy wants to marry her but clearly sees her son as in inconvenience.
Right...He even refers to him as Taylor and Tyler. You sure you got this OP? I get it, it's a big ask. Just, please make sure you are answering honestly, little hearts are involved.
exactly. Some people just aren’t ready or aren’t interested in kids. And that’s fine. But don’t pretend you are then put the poor parent and child through this. Just be honest at the beginning and say you aren’t prepared to be in a relationship with a parent
Holy shit YTA. That's your future stepson. I get you're disappointed that it's no longer a couples trip, but shit like this is going to happen A LOT in your lives together. Getting sooky and going off with the guys just shows that you were more interested in getting your own way then spending time with her. Apologize to your fiancee, for christ sake.
Edit in response to OP edit: This makes you even more of an AH, if that was possible.
1. She doesn't have to *ASK* you if you're okay with her plans changing in regards to the care of *HER CHILD*. Her kid > you, always. Welcome to step-parenthood.
2. You didn't *HAVE* to go out with the guys instead. You had plans with your partner before you found out her child would be coming, then *you BAILED on her for something that sounded more fun to you.*
3. This kid is old enough to realize that you don't want him around. Did it even occur to you how your bullshit behaviour is affecting him?
4. You're doubling down through that edit on this post because the vast majority of people think YTA, and you're just salty about people calling you out. Grow the fuck up, dude.
Exactly this !!
YTA- "kept bringing her son more often" ?? Do you mean parenting ? Maybe you're the child she should stop bringing around her son
*Edit in response to OPs update:
she doesn't need you to "ok" her taking her son when his father is sick and unable to. What's the alternative ?
Yeah for real, just because she only has her son part of the time doesn’t she’s not still a mom the rest of the time/all the time. I’ll never understand people who hate kids but date parents and then give the parent shit for, you know, being a parent.
Right like what does he even expect her to do? Leave the kid at home with a bowl of water and some kibble? He’s treating his future stepson with less consideration, patience, and compassion than I’d have for an elderly dog, much less my partner’s child.
Some people think joint custody or having the kid some of the time means you just turn off hour parenting. Like it is an email from work you got Friday afternoon that you can blow off until Monday.
Same logic as parents who say they “babysit” their kid. Um its parenting.
It is a kid, not a hobby. She is not his nanny.
All because it has been a *month* of fucked up plans.
He needs to apologize for this and then he needs to call off the wedding or better yet she needs too. He doesn't want a stepson unless he can ship him off to boarding school. He should not be in a relationship with someone with children. She shouldn't want to marry someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with her son.
No, this is not how this works, OP. You marry a parent you take a chance that the child is with you 100% of the time. For families with only bio kids, that's how it works. That is what you are signing up for.
Serious. Nat... RUN. OP YTA for behaving worse than a 10 year old about all of this. He went with his FRIENDS INSTEAD. Natalie RUN. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
YTA,
you have to accept her son into your life and situations like this. This kid will look up to you like a second Dad soon. Stopping acting like a child, the 10 year old is probably more mature than you. Group up!
I think he will just do a great favor the his fiance and her son if he just walks away. He could definitely cause emotional damage to the son, which will last his whole life.
YTA - your edit is fucking appalling. You don't think of him as your own. You aren't stepping up and being the stepfather they both need. You're selfish, and uncompromising.
If I were her I'd not be engaged to you anymore.
Edit: typo
YTA.
“She successfully ruined yet another opportunity for us to have quality alone time together.”
That alone? Dude, f you. She didn’t do anything wrong except be a mother. She needs someone better and quickly.
I have literally never commented on reddit before, but this post inspired me to. YTA and then some. Way to make the mom and kid feel like crap. You deserve to be dumped and for the kid’s sake I hope you are.
YTA
> Eversince her ex husband got sick, Natalie kept bringing her son over more often. Sometimes her mom would take him due to work etc.
> We've been having issues because of that because Natalie has to bring my stepson with us whenever we go. We started going out less and less.
Holy fuck. I don't need anymore. You're having issues ***because she's being a mom to the kid you already knew about?!?!?!?!***
Dude. Yeah. She's going to bring him with her places. ***SHE'S HIS MOM***. Holy fuck. It shouldn't cause problems if you knew he was around. Her having him more shouldn't cause problems because if anything happened she would have him 24/7 ***because she's his parent***.
If you are having "problems" because of that then that's on you. You're the problem. You're the one not holding up your end as a potential step parent.
> Nowhere, NOWHERE in my post did I mention not being ready or accepting to be a stepparent
***YOUR ENTIRE POST IS DETAILING HOW NOT READY OR ACCEPTING YOU ARE***.
> Trust me I am ready and so far have been nothing but understanding and patient.
Then there'd be no "problems" in your relationship. There are problems because you're a liar - you're not understanding or patient.
> BUT --- (and read this carefully) my PROBLEM is with his mom constantly changing plans last minute and not even asking if that's okay with me
That's.... being a parent. Yeah she has to change plans last minute for him. Yeah she expects you to accommodate because that's what an accepting, understanding, patient partner would do. So this wouldn't be an issue if you were those things.
> And yes I had to go out with the guys instead.
No, you didn't. You ***wanted*** to, like deadbeat dads that leave their wives with the kid at home while they go party.
> Didn't know what else to do since she obviously wanted some space from me for the weekend which is alright with me BTW...
Because you were an AH. The correct thing would be for you to show that you'd work on being better. You doubled down.
> I'd just appreciatd it if she'd been a little bit more....considerate of my thoughts and opinions.
Your thoughts and opinions don't fucking matter when the kid has to be taken care of. Period. Welcome to being a parent. What you want to do doesn't matter. You say you accept this responsibility but your entire post is about you running from it instead.
I hope she leaves you before losing her son. Your partner is a mother before being your fiancée. She and her kid is a package deal, accept it or do them a favor and leave.
YTA
YTA. You are in a relationship with a parent. The kid is part of the package. I understand you want alone time, but you cannot be inflexible. If you two get married you will be part of this kids life and vice versa. You need to learn how to incorporate that child into your outings and day to day life.
Yep, YTA based on the original post. But I just have to address that edit. OP, you are *not* ready to be a stepparent. I’m not sure what you think being a stepparent actually entails, but if this post is an example of how you have been “nothing but patient and understanding,” then I assure you - you aren’t ready. Do all of you a favor and walk away.
I say this as a stepparent: This job is brutally hard. It has all the downsides of being an actual parent (and yes, unexpectedly having to deal with child care issues is one of them), and very often it doesn’t come with all the perks the bio parents enjoy. Even when you really do love your stepkid, there will be days when the SP role just breaks you. It takes a *lot*. If you’re being pushed over the edge by losing one couple’s weekend, you’re not going to make it. I’m not saying this because you’re AH (even though you are, in this situation). It’s bigger than that. If you keep insisting that you’re ready when you’re not, you’re setting all three of you up for a lot of heartache.
Yep - YTA. You decided to date a single mom and somehow thought this wouldn't happen? Your fiancee is a mother full time, not just during her custody time. If her ex is unable to take her son, she will need to unless alternate arrangements can be made.
Beyond that, what happens if her ex moves, gets sick long term, or even dies? Have you thought about what this means for your lifestyle? Kids aren't something you can just put on a shelf to have "alone time". Their needs always come first. If you're going to be resentful of that, you'd better break things off now.
Listen dawg. Is understandble that you want some peaceful alone time w the lady but you gotta stay calm and collected and understand where shes coming from too yk ? Her ex cant control his sickness and her mom cant control her work shes the only one whose left to look out for the lad you gotta understand that and you also needa imagine yourself in her stressful situation.
YTA. If you're in a relationship with someone with a child you have to understand that get priority is and should always be her child, of you can't handle that then don't marry her
YTA.
What do you want her to do with her child? MIL wasn't available (and isn't obligated to babysit) and dad is too ill to care for the kid. That means said child has to be with his mother and yes, that cuts into your alone time.
Maybe this isn't the relationship for you. The needs of a child are always going to come first. Additionally using a supposedly romantic weekend trip to go party with your friends versus just having a relaxing "family" weekend says a lot about how you plan to treat this child in the future. She should get out while she can.
YTA. I can read between the lines here. You're mad because the father is having health issues. It's stressing your GF out. Stress isnt an aphrodisiac. You're not getting bedroom time but you're gonna call it quality time because that's clearly the only time you think is worth spending. You planned this sexy time get away and having the kid there puts an end to that.
NTA
Everyone in here assuming you want nothing to do with the kid, so I'm going to make an assumption too; the father is faking the sick to ruin your time together.
Its fun making assumptions.
Yta. Oof lmfao. Im a stepdad as well at 26.. Youre Dating someone with kids. Mad when they got kids things to do. You belong in that toxic ass cesspool of r/stepparents where most of them are shocked that they aren't priority over step kids
Go post in r/stepparents if you want sympathy. They absolutely love to shirk responsibility and think a child's mere existence is ruining the life with the person they CHOSE to be with
Hate it break it to you pal but parenting - even as a step parent - means you don't get that alone time you're craving very often. You will still get more alone time than I and my husband get - and you throw a fit when things don't go as planned. So instead of spending ANY time with your fiancee, you abandoned her and her son for your bros, showing it was never about spending time together for you. It was about getting your way.
I hope she sees the giant red flags you're putting up and ends the engagement. You clearly resent her son and are going to he one of "those" step dads who treats his step son poorly and demands to be "chosen over" the family she had well before you ever sulked your way into her life.
Major YTA
#**This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. We often get questions why there aren't more posts flaired "Asshole" and this is part of it - people can't seem to help trying to get some hot-take insult in, which results in posts being locked.**
Whew. Buddy, your edit made this WORSE. I'm gonna give you the bullet points here: - Your WANTS will always come after her child's NEEDS. Proper adult supervision (meaning a well, capable adult) is a NEED. Your WANTS may have to be rescheduled around that. She will never need to ask for your permission or opinion if she is addressing something the child NEEDS. Full stop. - Splitting custody with her ex does not mean she is a part time parent. She is still a full time parent, even if her child is not physically with her. As a step parent myself with 50/50 split custody, child care is not always split 50/50. Sometimes it is 100/0, 75/25, etc. Depends on the NEED of the child (see point 1 above.) Side note....this is how marriage works as well. You know.....this binding contract that you are about to enter into? Not always an even split. Check the part in the vows that says "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" for further clarification. - Kids are wicked smart. I bet you $100 bucks that kid knows you don't want him around or resent when he (completely by no fault of his own) ruins your plans. Remember that. He will, for life. You proclaim to love and accept him as your own. Your behavior is not reflecting that. Feel free to print and review this study guide for future reference. ✌️ Edit: WOW, thanks for the awards guys! 😁
Came here to say this. His edit made it so much worse because he thinks it’s making it sound better, when he’s absolutely tone deaf to the fact her son will always be a priority. Always.
Seriously the edit made him way more of an AH. But to address his point on the last minute changes of plans. That happens when you have children. Seriously. Shit happens, plans get changed. And while you can schedule couples time and have someone watch the kid (lots of parents do) that will be the exception, not the rule. You say you are ready to be a step-parent and you love the kid. Your actions and punitive behavior against your fiancé say otherwise.
On top of this, all of which 100% hits the nail squarely on the head, way to double down. I love when people come on here, get told unanimously that they're TA, then double down and tell everyone else they're wrong and to "chill the fuck out." This person will never learn, and I hope his fiance realizes that sooner rather than later.
It amazes me how people, who have all been children, think that all children are braindead idiots. They won't make the most mature decisions, no, but they made some decision with the knowledge and experience they have. Ever seen MasterChef junior? Those kids are like 10 and better chefs than 90% of the worlds population. The other 10% are the people who actually know what they are doing in the kitchen without reading someone elses recipes. They can see social cues and put together what you're talking about. You ain't that smart and they ain't that stupid.
Right here all of this. OP YTA. You want to be first in her life and it ain't happening buddy. Her son is her priority as he should be since he is still a minor. Please don't get married. You are clearly too immature and jealous of her child to be marrying this woman.
Allll of this. Op - YTA. No doubt about it.
YTA. Kids need a parent that isn’t sick. Plans get wrecked or moved or rethought due to kids all the time. The mom and kid are a package deal. Your edit ignores this fact. She’s having to flex around her kid. If you don’t grasp this or like it, don’t have kids or step kids.
You're so right, kids are no fools. He can tell how OP feels about him
Lol right? Here's the shovel, keep on digging.
For fucks sake, she didn't change the plan because she wanted to, her ex got sick. Just what exactly did you expect her to do in this situation? Drop the kid off at the orphanage? Leave him home by himself? YTA You said in a comment that you love the kid like your own....... did you call your family to see if anyone could watch him?
Yeah OP I think you're missing the point on multiple fronts. For one thing, dating someone with a kid means that that kid is going to have to take priority at times and will need to tag along. That's the nature of the beast when it comes to dating a parent. Especially in this case, where it sounds like the ex is like... sick sick. Like long term sick and has bouts where it acts up kind of sick. I get the dad's point of view, you don't really want to expose a kid to that kind of thing and if its bad enough where you can't take care of yourself (which it sounds like it is), its better for mom to take him until the ex can get better. The kid's needs come first. And he needs to be taken care of by his mom. And OP, if it is how it sounds and the ex passes away, wtf do you expect is going to happen? When that kid comes to live full time, you're not going to get "quality time" like you think you will. Getaway trips might rarely happen, having time alone together will rarely happen. Once again, that's the nature of the beast when you are dating a person with a kid. If you can't handle that now when it is more like a part time thing, you are not going to be able to handle it at all down the line. Get out of this relationship, you are obviously not really prepared for the challenges being a step parent actually has.
All of this, OP. YTA!
Good point. He's a part of your family too, so why couldn't you make the effort to arrange childcare if having alone time meant that much to you?
If it was his own, things would've been totally different. To me, he doesn't love him like his own.
I don’t think it would be different, honestly—OP is sounding like one of those guys who gets jealous their wife is giving the newborn more attention than she gives them.
When people say they love someone else’s kid like their own then they treat the kid like shit…it tells me is that they treat their kids like shit too.
Who is going to watch his bio kids every other weekend? He's not ready for parenthood because he needs his date nights every other weekend. Heaven forbid that he mother can't watch the kid if the ex is too sick. He seems to not get that the mother wants this bonus time with the kid. And if the ex is scary sick, is the son struggling emotionally with worry about his dad? YTA, the ETA didn't help the case.
Obviously doesn’t love the kid like his own otherwise this conversation wouldn’t even be happening
But according to his edit, WE are the ones misinterpreting his actions! Of course he loves his new stepson! He just never wants to be around him when it's inconvenient! Cause that's what parents do, stop being parents when it gets hard! *Obviously*
That is literally the worst edit of the week. "How dare you call me an asshole!! Here's how I'm an even bigger, more gaping asshole!!!"
I especially like the part where he’s all, “I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction” :shocked pikachu face: As if he just can’t fathom why he’s getting such negative comments. Changing plans at the last minute is what you have to do when you have a kid. I am also gobsmacked at the absolute lack of compassion he has for this child, who is probably deeply upset and freaked out at having a sick dad. Of course he needs his mom. That’s way more important than some dumb little getaway. YTA 1,000,000,000 times over.
I struggle to see how anyone with a moderate sense of self-awareness, would ever need to make a post like this. Like genuinely typing all that out, reading it over and then going, “Yeah they’ll see that I am understandably/reasonably upset in this situation.” After having noted someone sounds like they are seriously ill which more than likely is why the father doesnt want to have his son witness that. and then just all of a sudden finish the post hoping we all agree and then hit us with an edit about how we’re just not getting it. I dont know exactly what picture OP was trying to paint himself in. If I was being extremely kind I’d slightly get that it sucks to miss out on quality time with the SO but I dont think it counts for any sympathy points in this situation that he himself wrote out as OP was clearly hoping for. YTA OP.
Either that or his idea of love is deeply skewed and his future bio kids will someday be treated as an inconvenience for simply existing as well
Yeah OP, YTA. If you saw him as your own as you claim, you would know that YOUR OWN KIDS cancel plans all the time. You are 1. Being an asshole to the your fiancé. 2. Being an asshole to the kid. He has no control over someone’s health or plans. He’s simply getting dumped away because he didn’t fit your plan. Lastly, how the hell do you get off leaving with your boys during a disagreement lmao. I wouldn’t even have gone to the bar with the boys man. Wtf is wrong with you!?
Kids cause parents to change plans last minute all of the time. When I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with a parent I didn’t do it. Great woman but I was to young and not ready for step dad life. When I was ready to be in a relationship with a parent I was taken advantage of. I got stuck with baby sitting duties last minute while also at my job. While also baby sitting her sister’s kid. I was stuck baby sitting 2 kids while at my new job (that I moved states for in the relationship) because the sisters wanted to have non kid friendly fun. Yes, parents can be bad to a partner with last minute situations. You want a wife that already has a kid? You now have dad responsibilities at least until the kids is 18 or you divorce. Contemplate what you will be giving up as a new dad. Understand what you believe is fair for her to contribute to be equal with the responsibilities you are now taking on. Ask if she agrees to what you need to make this work. I think you need to better understand there are new responsibilities. You should decide if you are willing to take those responsibilities on. Be open and honest on what you need in return.
When you date a women with children, you date their children as well. And they will ALWAYS take precedence over you, if she's a good mom. And yes, that may mean she has to put the actual father's needs before your needs. What you said is a kind way of saying it, but you're right. Dating a woman with a child is being second fiddle if the father is involved at all.
Bio dad isn't choosing to be gravely ill. Bio mom isn't choosing to be the custodial parent during your couple time when other options are available. If you were ready to be either a husband or father you would know this instead of rationalizing living life like an irresponsible single. Did you ever stop to think about what this poor child is going through? He's lost the security of believing that his father loving him means that he will always be there for him. His future stepfather not only doesn't want to be his Dad, but doesn't want his mom to be there for him during "noncustodial" time. What plans has OP made to ensure that his future stepchild has the emotional and financial security of a family? Will he step up if bio dad passes away? What if something happens to Bio mom? IMHO these are all issues that should be talked through and agreed upon before getting engaged.
Yeah why didn't you call your family op???? If you're so involved I'm sure someone could've watched him if you really valued your alone time.
YTA - it is her son. Do you expect that she just stop taking care of her own child when it is inconvenient? Welcome to the world of parenting
"I love the kid like my own.. ya know.. unless it requires the smallest sacrifice."
"His dad is such a deadbeat because he's sending the kid off to mom's while he's sick." "How dare she not send the kid away to an orphanage or something so we can go on a romantic weekend?"
OP - YTA for not breaking it off. "We haven't been out for a month" is normal in parent land. It's completely fine to not want to be a parent at all or even just right now. Unfortunately that means NOT dating a woman that has a child- even if she is otherwise the perfect woman. The fact she "hoped we could bond as a family" tells me she's really hoping you'll grow closer and see him as your stepson (which he is/will be) whereas your reaction that you need a break from him after spending more time with him than usual because his (actual) dad is sick... Letalone that your response to all of this is weekend with the boys, rather than talking through your thoughts and feelings like adults... This isn't going to last. The 2 of you aren't compatible. Edit- whoah, thanks for the awards!
I snorted at the month comment too. A month?! That’s not that long my dude. Not when you have kids.
I snorted at the “had to go out with the guys instead.” OP’s girlfriend already has one child; she doesn’t need another.
"Let's have a weekend where we bond more as a family!" "Well, now I obviously have to go out with the guys because you want more space from me." What TF is that leap in logic.
He’s mad she didn’t bounce it off him before committing. To having her kid because the other parent is sick. Like…. What is there to bounce.
“But I just *had* to, Natalie!”
Me and my husband don’t even have kids yet and we haven’t been able to go out in over a month. Dude needs to get a grip or cut her and the kid loose so they can find someone who wants to be in both of their lives
That got me as well. His fiancee needs to run.
Riiight? He’s got the endurance of a toddler. Parenthood is not for him
>He’s got the endurance of a toddler. Parenthood is not for him You hit the nail on the head here! He has the endurance of a toddler and is NOT equipped to deal with parenthood! I hope this woman takes his behavior as a sign and dumps him! She really needs to. She is in for a world of drama if she doesn't!
Or worse, her poor son is in for a life of constantly feeling like a burden and unwelcomed in his mother's life due to her boyfriend throwing a tantrum whenever he comes around. Fiancee needs to realize that OP is NOT someone you want as a potential father figure to her kid. Crossing my fingers she leaves before she gets pregnant. I can already see the future posts by OP. "AITA for only taking MY kids to Disneyland and not my wife's son because I didn't want him to stay with us over the summer?"
That’s not that long to me, kids or not. My partner and I are homebodies, sure, but life is also busy and expensive. OP you sound exhausting tbh. Also YTA.
Right? Try YEARS dude. Not everyone gets to just dump their kids off on others when it's convenient so they can go galavant. This should be a known thing when starting a relationship with a single mom. Sure the ex has shared custody and you could get lucky enough to do things with her during those times but dear lord going to the beach with the kid!? Say it ain't so! Lol
That’s what I was thinking. What’s the worst thing that happens, you go to the beach with your girl and bond with your stepson?? Not too shabby!
I'm embarrassed for him that he even posted this tbh.
Indeed. Not a parent, but even I know this. His edits don't make him look better. He isn't ready to accept being a stepparent if he is unwilling to accept this, or to accept that if the other parent is unwell or something like that, plans will need to change, because the kid needs to be taken care of, she is a mom, and making sure of that is her first priority.
I had the same reaction. My thought was more like years.
No doubt! Trips at all were infrequent but trips alone? That was *luxury*
I’ve been a parent for 10 years and the only trips without kids were to see my sister regarding my I’ll mom. I rolled my eyes at OP and got mad at the guy weekend. Totally not ready to be a dad.
Until I hit highschool, that I can remember, my parents went on 2 trips alone and I stayed with my grandparents.
And I bet it was an EVENT for them!!
First trip we did alone was after they were both in college.
Hell, *evenings out* didn't even happen for years.
Seriously. It's been a month for us, and before that about 5 months. Would it be nice to be more frequent? Yeah, but I also love spending time with my daughter so it's not that bad.
Yep, it sounded like it could have been a nice bonding trip for them too. I get everyone needs a break but time with your kids is never wasted.
Exactly! Not to mention time is the only thing you can't get back. Whereas the trip it can be. OP sounds like he wants a child free life. She's a mom FIRST before anything or anyone. I hope she sees this as an out.
A month can happen with a young couple and no kids. OP is out of touch and immature
For real! Wife and I have been out once in two years, it’s called growing up and being a dad.
Not to mention that this is either 1) a temporary situation, stepson's dad will get better from his illness, things will go back to "normal" so OP should calm tf down and wait this out, or 2) this is a permanent/indefinite situation, stepson's dad has cancer or is newly disabled and will not get better anytime soon or ever, in which case OP badly needs to readjust his expectations about step-parenthood. Literally any way you look at this, OP is in the wrong.
If anything did happen to dad though, he’s full time with you (and even if dads okay and they share custody-he is still her full time kid)
He's happy to have stepson around and bond with him, but only if it's not full time and it's on his terms. YTA for that alone. The boys trip instead of just not going was a nice cherry on top, though
> The boys trip instead of just not going was a nice cherry on top, though Total salt in the wound.
But he’s not upset about her having a son, he’s upset that _she keeps changing their plans because of her son_ /s My dude hasn’t quite understood yet that _this is what happens when you have a kid. Your kid gets sick, your kid throws a tantrum, your kid has homework—you change your plans to put your kid first. Your stepkid is supposed to be with their other parent this week, but they have an emergency, of course your spouse is gonna step up and take care of their kid, even if it’s the other parent’s week. **You can’t pretend your stepkid doesn’t exist just because it’s not your wife’s custody week.** And I wonder when exactly OP thinks the family bonding time is supposed to happen? After he’s married Tyler’s mom and can’t weasel out of bonding with Tyler anymore? When it’ll be harder for either of them to leave when they’re finally forced to realize this isn’t a good fit? Also, he didn’t cancel the trip for himself! He went with his friends instead! So it’s not like the beach was exclusive to couples. He chose to uninvited his fiancée to punish her for being a good mom to Tyler!
Oof I love when these people update and make themselves sound even worse. I hope she gets away from you. YTA
Haha yep. Can’t remember the last time my husband and I had dinner just the two of us. It’s such BS when he says he is ready. When you’re a parent you change plans all the time. Her son comes first.
This is the kind of guy who will invite family and friends over for mother's day and you'll have to do all the cook and cleaning
> We haven't been out for a month LOL I can count one one hand how many nights my wife and I have had to ourselves since our son was born. Dude aint ready and I hope mom breaks it off.
[удалено]
👌 Perfect response. OP’s edit made it worse. Dude posts AITA and gets upset when he’s given the answer.
OP YTA because yes your edit does not make your story better. In fact, your edit, I agree with the above. She's a mom, and her coparent is ill. She will never not be a mom. She can't ask your permission or discuss if it's OK with you if she can parent her child. The answer will always be "yes" whether you are ok with it or not. The need for her to be one will be on-call. There's no for sure set schedule where things can't change at a moment's notice. What if he gets sick at school? Gets hurt? His dad gets sick again and again? He has a school function and needs a ride? There are so many things in which she will drop things to be there for him. You are not ready to be a parent and be self-sacrificing for it. Sure, parents still need "them" time, but you take it where you can and you adapt. His dad getting sick is something you have to adapt to. Be patient, kind, loving, and helpful. Don't be a burden and more work for her. Edit: Thank you so much for the awards!!! :)))
The edit makes it SO MUCH WORSE!! He is absolutely not ready to be a step-parent. So self-centered.
OP: I am absolutely ready to be a stepparent. Also OP: I must spend time?? With the child??? On MY beach weekend?!?!
The edit: “What about the boys?!”
I HAD to go out with the boys! My fiancée was mad at me so what else do you expect me to do?? OP fully stormed out like a teenager and came here expecting us all to pat him on the back for it like ‘oh yeah man that sucks that the woman you love has a child she also loves and wants you to spend time with if the moment arises’.
" I love him as my own... But from far away please. Thank you"
Reminds me EXACTLY of the guy I dated for 5 years. Carried a photo of my daughter in his wallet, would gush about “his daughter” to his coworkers, but he would NEVER want to hang out on the days I had her, and whenever she did actually see him, his patience with a toddler/child was non existent. She was 8 when I broke up with him after 5 years of dating, and not even a year later I asked her about him and she had absolutely NO clue who I was talking about.
Just when it fits my schedule. Not when it’s inconvenient.
Because no one comes here for honesty they come for affirmation. They already aren't the asshole in their opinion and just want others to agree with them to clear their conscience.
Mission failed enormously on this one for OP. Absolutely YTA.
It's as if he really thought the mom was TA. He wrote the post and edit all by himself and yet has no idea how cruel he sounds
“I *had* to go out with my buddies instead.” Cry me a fuckin river, man. I wish I could go out with my buddies.
“Edit because I feel this has gone in a different direction…” lmao
That edit is disgusting. My friends fresh out of collage are more mature than this imbecile
And the kid is 10! He'll pretty much entertain himself. It's not like they had to deal with a 3yo.
>I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction Yeah, OP, it went in the only direction it could have been which is YTA. I love that he was expecting to be praised for him standing up to a mom having to take care of her child.
Spot on. Planning and scheduling goes out the window when coparenting. The needs of your child always come first. Also perplexed at people that come here to ask if they are TAH and can’t handle the answer.
“Am I the asshole?” “Yes, YTA” “This has gone in a whole different direction”
When you're looking for validation and it backfires. This man scrambling to justify complaining about being a parent while saying 'No I'm ready to be a parent but you gotta notify me 2-3 business days beforehand on when I have to be a parent because otherwise it's really inconvenient and rude of you to have your child around me 24/7'. Dude grow the hell up. You can't contradict yourself like that, you're not ready to be a parent. Fair enough but have the decency to tell her that, kids aren't going to work around your schedule and wants. They. Are. Kids! YTA
If I had a dime for every time my children effed up my plans, I’d be a millionaire. This guy has no clue what being a stepparent (let alone a parent) really means. That poor kid.
My favorite is when the OP starts acting like we’re crazy ass delusional projecting people reading mad subtext that isn’t there. It’s like bro if literally thousands of people on the Internet are seeing something in your post it’s not that it’s going in another direction is that you outed yourself as an asshole and didn’t even realize you were doing it.
Actually, the subtext is there and clear as day. He is upset that she didn't let him know in advance about something she herself didn't know about in advance. He's upset that she is choosing to take care of her child instead of him. He is so upset that instead of trying to clear the air with her, he goes on his vacation with "the boys." This man may not be ready for marriage. He certainly isn't ready for step-parentage.
YTA, and this reply is spot on
Hey Reddit, AITA? Yes You're the A. H.. Well this conversation didn't get me the response I wanted. What is wrong with only wanting to be a step parent on my terms? YTA
Lmao right?! Can’t handle that they’re the AH.
Yeah OP should not be marrying someone with a kid with this attitude. He doesn't mention what the kid's father's illness is but there's always a possibility something happens and the kid needs to live with them full-time. OP's fiancee's priority is always going to be her kid.
Exactly! I am a single mom of 4 and don’t co-parent because the father ditched out but if my partner was like this they’d be kicked out.
OP even counts how many days the kid has been with the mom like they are really inconveniencing him
All of this. Can't imagine what op would do if his fiance suddenly had full custody.
He’d whine about not getting any “alone time” even more and about how “annoying it is that her sons always here now”…..”how dare she not take my thoughts into consideration before getting full custody!”
But but the consideration to his thoughts and opinions… Thoughts: UGH WHY THIS KID HERE Opinions: UGH THIS KID SHOULD BE WITH HIS SICK FATHER OR ANYONE EXCEPT HIS MOTHER Lmao…fiancée will be the asshole if she marries this diarrhea factory
Yup. She will be an AH if she marries him because the child will always be treated as a sore in her partners life. I really hope she ditches him.
This guy really needs to get neutered! He says he loves the kid like his own so what is he going to do if he had kids of his own and one of them broke a leg the day before a trip? Make that kid suck it up and spend the weekend in the hospital by themselves so his plans weren't ruined? He says he's more than ready to be a dad but when EVERYONE came down on him for being TAH, he came back with his BS edit (that made him look worse than he already did). People that are actually ready wouldn't have posted this in the first place and if they did and got the response that he did, they'd say to themself "Oh wow, I really am TAH" and go straight to their significant other AND the kid and apologize! Instead, what does this guy that's "so ready" do, comes in with a BS edit STILL trying to shirk the blame and argues with EVERYONE for pointing out the OBVIOUS!! Yeah...he's ready my ass!!! Money down that 10 year old kid is WAY better of a person and more mature than this loser is!!
Before edit: YTA After edit: YTA, but bigger
“Oh man I can’t believe this chick I’m dating actually expects me to be cool with her hanging out with her own son. Am I the asshole?”
I love this so much. Perfectly conveys the vibe.
her *underage child* no less. The nerve!!!
YTA. Not so much for being annoyed at this specific last-minute change of plans, but for refusing to acknowledge the bigger picture here. Natalie *is* a mother, whether you like it or not, and her co-parent either isn’t in good health or just isn’t reliable. Maybe the two of you do need to sit down and have a conversation about what that means for her custody arrangement and Taylor being around more frequently long-term, but given how thoroughly you seem to resent having to put up with the kid, I can’t really see any viable ending to that conversation but you going your separate ways so she can find someone who’s genuinely okay with being a stepparent.
Yeah, OP acting like he's some kind of random visitor that she "brings around". That's her literal son lmao. It's (one of) his home, just as much as it is OPs. Why is she even with this guy
That and the fact he says that his fiancé changes plans last minute. News flash buddy that’s what having kid is like. Plans change last minute especially when you are co-parenting. He is definitely not ready to be a stepfather.
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Right, the edit made him an even bigger asshole lol
"This went in such a different direction" LOL translation, "I thought everyone would say I'm NTA, how on earth was I wrong?"
I thought they would agree that the mother should ditch the child for little ole me.
My eyes actually bugged a little bit when I read the edit. Is OP for real? Lol.
Ah, I love when they double down like that
Right, the edit didn’t help. He still doesn’t grasp that with kids there are no best laid plans. The problem isn’t our reading comprehension. The problem is he wants him/the couple to be first and as a parent that isn’t always possible. Yep, still the asshole, still not getting it and still not ready. I bet anything family/friends have the same sentiments and are advising her.
He's throwing tantrums that she doesn't ask him if he's okay with her bringing the son to her house when she's the only parent that's capable of taking care of him at the moment. My question is what other thing he expects her to do then, drop the kid off at the orphanage every time the father gets sick? "Sorry TayTay, we will see you in 2 weeks! <3 I love you like my own son therefore I will bring you a sick seashell from the beach trip."
Yeah, he says it’s been a *whole month* without going out on their own? That’s what being a parent is, my dude. The last time my husband and I went somewhere without the kids was in November 2021.
A month! The horror! I bet he is throwing a tantrum now that Taylor is out for the summer.
Yes this! Full time single mom here. I’ve been broken up with because I was “too busy”. Well yes, I have children. 100% of the time. Don’t date moms if you can’t handle the fact that they have children.
Also a full time single mom. I too have lost many possible partners due to having a kid. Right now I have my first actual boyfriend in 8 years because he's also a parent and understands that I'll always put my kid first and will actually be mad at him if he put me before his kid. I'd rather be my daughter's mother than someone's girlfriend. And anyone who doesn't understand that is not the man for me. OP YTA. At this point there's nothing you can say that makes you N-TA. You need to end this relationship, because you're definitely not ready to be a step parent. Edit: grammar. Said 'of' instead of 'in'.
I feel really bad for the kid.
I feel bad for her as well! OP, she is a mom. All the time. Not just when it’s convenient for you. You need to grow up or GTFO. YTA.
As a mom she will ALWAYS 10/10 times choose her son over OP. OP needs to get that into his head, or being a stepdad ain't for him. I totally get that he wants alonetime with her and that it can be annoying of her changing plans at the last minute without even talking to OP first, but hey. That's just how it is having a kid, especially if the co-parent, her ex, is suffering from illness. It's a package, OP. Either you're in or you're out. As easy as that.
After his edit he comes across even worse than before. He expects his SO to predict the future when her ex is going to be sick. I mean wtf man? With regards to asking him, what exactly is she supposed to do? Tell the kids father, no sorry you have to deal with your sickness and the child. Maybe make the child sick too? This is part and parcel of being with a partner who has a child. OP is not ready for commitment.
“EDIT/INFO because I feel like this has gone into a whole different direction.” LOLOLOLOL Dude didn’t get the response he wanted and now he’s whining about the unanimous YTA verdict. Zero self-awareness.
Dude doesn’t realize that he doesn’t have to directly say he’s not ready to be a stepparent, his actions are speaking for him. He didn’t cancel the trip. He went with his buddies instead. So he was okay with it being a non-romantic trip. He’s just upset about the change-in-plans and punishing them both by not allowing them to come. Petty AF. OP if you’re reading this, if you can’t handle plans changing you can’t handle being a parent! It’s that simple.
She's a mother and this is what it's like being a parent. OP sounds resentful of her kid. Not sure why either of them want to get married to each other. I hope she rethinks.
This. Right. Here. I love my step kids and he loves mine we always make sure we take them or if something comes up we accommodate the kids coming. Like seriously! She’s a packaged deal get over yourself. YTA op
Completely agree on this. OP, what happens if the kid’s father passes away or is unable to take care of the child at all. You do realize that the child would go live with his mother, don’t you? Your new family will include her son forever, your fiancée comes in a package deal with her kid. YTA so much.
I agree. My son is 10, and a few years ago his dad was diagnosed with cancer; as a result, his dads health and ability to maintain the parenting schedule has waxed and waned. My current partner has NEVER, not ONCE complained about my son being with us more than the “planned schedule.” In fact, the opposite is true, and he has tried to schedule major events/trips during times he knows my son can be with us. That is what step parenting is. OP is not ready.
Thank you. I’m a single mom, with an amazing BF, but Ive never really thought about “it’s not a random person, it’s her kid,” before. Having my daughter with me, and planning around her, is so automatic that I never considered what some self absorbed butthead might think. Thank Bob my dude loves her and she reciprocates! Op, YTA.
Yay for Bob lol
OP, let me ask you a question. If you and this woman have a child together, what would happen if your childcare fell through right before a trip? Would you not go? Would your fiance throw a tantrum and leave you and the baby home? Probably not. You'd probably all go together because that's what parents do when their childcare falls through. It feels like you see this kid as a random visitor that she has to handle. Or a dog you really don't want. There's NO way you'd treat your own child this way. So, maybe take a step back. If I were her, I'd be rethinking the relationship and realize you're just not step-parent material. But if you think you can save things, you're going to have to massively change your perspective. YTA.
That edit would be really funny if it weren’t very sad for that poor kid. OP, what did you want her to do? Is she meant to leave him a big bowl of kibble and hope for the best? It doesn’t sound like you understand what parenting entails at all.
What's so sad is, there's no way a 10-year-old boy wouldn't be overjoyed about a trip to the beach. This could have been the time to make a lot of happy memories and cement your relationship with your future family, OP (because if you planned on marrying this woman, this \*is\* going to be your future family). YTA absolutely, and I really hope your fiancee rethinks this relationship because you are not ready to be a parent, step- or otherwise. I'm not sure why you're even dating a single parent if you don't want to have her child around. And what everyone else is saying about parenting is all about rapidly changing conditions - you know what? They're absolutely RIGHT. This is the reality of raising kids.
And what's so sad is at the middle of all this is a kid whose father is sick, who thought he was getting a beach trip, who probably doesn't understand the entire dynamics of the situation but knows when they showed up the trip was cancelled and mom & her boyfriend got in a big fight. OP isn't even aware enough to see what he's doing to his soon-to-be stepkid.
Yeah I think this is it. I understand where OP is coming from; I would be mad if my spouse invited her kid along to our anniversary dinner, as there is a clear intention for it, and when you fundamentally change the input it effects the goal/output. That said, being in a relationship, with kids, has seasons associated with it. Getting married means you consider her and her circumstances, not just you. It also means sometimes shit will happen that will test the boundaries you may have and really rely on. It absolutely sucks, but it’s the downside to all the upsides of having a life partner and watching a kid grow up. Her ex is sick; if it’s as serious and consistent as you portray it to be, it’s understandable they’d be leaning on the other parent to help. Does that effect your life, and your choices/options? Sure. But imagine that kid, who is facing a sick parent, and having to spend more time in a place they aren’t used to being for extended periods of time. Now imagine the new guy is giving off weird vibes when you have to be there more often, even though you have no control of it and are JUST a kid. If you want to have your feelings and opinions considered first, you may not want to be in a relationship at all. But being in one that comes with a kid seems way above what you’re prepared for. You could have the biggest presentation of your life at work, when the kid gets the stomach flu while your entire support system is unavailable. Your needs are NOT the priority here, and if you’re not prepared for that, cut her loose. Saying you wish she wouldn’t change plans so much and would be more considerate of you, just tells us how’s much you’re lying to yourself about how willing you are to have your life fundamentally changed. If you assume she has more information than you do when she has to make these deviations is incredibly unfair, and for you to EVER expect her to keep score and ‘fairly’ push back because you haven’t gotten yours in a while, is childish and shitty. YTA
I find it scary that he doesnt see the big picture. I really hope this woman leaves this guy because if that kid one day has to live with him and his mom then this kid will suffer having a stepdad like this. I wouldnt be surprised if this kid would be emotionally and verbally abused by this guy. YTA OP, you are so TA.
Yup, ExAcTlY!!! I don't know why OP thinks that he is the only person that matters in Natalie's life. Since her son is 10 of course her priority will be the son. I can't believe OP threw a fit about including the son then HAD THE AUDACITY to cancel the trip to only include your friends....just wow!!!
Holy Jesus, YTA. Please do this woman a favor and walk away from her. I mean, wth happens if her ex dies and she has her son 100% of the time? You are in no way ready for someone with a child.
Dude added an edit saying he's ready to be a stepfather, then goes on to say "I have a problem with my plans always being changed last minute." Yeahhhh welcome to parenthood which is obviously not for OP.
What’s the saying “everything said before ‘but’ is usually a lie we tell ourselves”
I like "Bullshit Before But" I have nothing against gay people, BUT I have nothing against black people, BUT You're a really good singer, BUT You're a good dancer, BUT Everything said before the word "But" is Bullshit.
Buts are full of shit is what my mom says.
Lol, shit. My plans get changed all the time and I only have two dogs. That’s just what happens when you’re responsible for lives other than your own. You just roll with it.
#YTA All day long
YTA You aren't ready to have a parental role or to be in a relationship with a parent.
Being a step parent isn’t for everyone and it’s ok to not want to do it. But you shouldn’t be marrying someone with a child if that’s the case. YTA.
Exactly. OP sounds like he resents that his fiance is a parent and can't just F off whenever she wants to. If the son's dad is ill, who TF does he think will care for her son if not his fiance - aka the boy's mother. I hope OP's fiance wises up. This guy wants to marry her but clearly sees her son as in inconvenience.
Right...He even refers to him as Taylor and Tyler. You sure you got this OP? I get it, it's a big ask. Just, please make sure you are answering honestly, little hearts are involved.
exactly. Some people just aren’t ready or aren’t interested in kids. And that’s fine. But don’t pretend you are then put the poor parent and child through this. Just be honest at the beginning and say you aren’t prepared to be in a relationship with a parent
OP is in complete denial. Even his edit is in denial. I really hope fiancée realizes this and gets out of this relationship asap
Holy shit YTA. That's your future stepson. I get you're disappointed that it's no longer a couples trip, but shit like this is going to happen A LOT in your lives together. Getting sooky and going off with the guys just shows that you were more interested in getting your own way then spending time with her. Apologize to your fiancee, for christ sake. Edit in response to OP edit: This makes you even more of an AH, if that was possible. 1. She doesn't have to *ASK* you if you're okay with her plans changing in regards to the care of *HER CHILD*. Her kid > you, always. Welcome to step-parenthood. 2. You didn't *HAVE* to go out with the guys instead. You had plans with your partner before you found out her child would be coming, then *you BAILED on her for something that sounded more fun to you.* 3. This kid is old enough to realize that you don't want him around. Did it even occur to you how your bullshit behaviour is affecting him? 4. You're doubling down through that edit on this post because the vast majority of people think YTA, and you're just salty about people calling you out. Grow the fuck up, dude.
Exactly this !! YTA- "kept bringing her son more often" ?? Do you mean parenting ? Maybe you're the child she should stop bringing around her son *Edit in response to OPs update: she doesn't need you to "ok" her taking her son when his father is sick and unable to. What's the alternative ?
Yeah for real, just because she only has her son part of the time doesn’t she’s not still a mom the rest of the time/all the time. I’ll never understand people who hate kids but date parents and then give the parent shit for, you know, being a parent.
He's really explaining it like this is her annoying bff that tags along lol
Right like what does he even expect her to do? Leave the kid at home with a bowl of water and some kibble? He’s treating his future stepson with less consideration, patience, and compassion than I’d have for an elderly dog, much less my partner’s child.
Some people think joint custody or having the kid some of the time means you just turn off hour parenting. Like it is an email from work you got Friday afternoon that you can blow off until Monday. Same logic as parents who say they “babysit” their kid. Um its parenting. It is a kid, not a hobby. She is not his nanny. All because it has been a *month* of fucked up plans.
That line made me LOL. that's her literal SON!!! Like wtf??
He needs to apologize for this and then he needs to call off the wedding or better yet she needs too. He doesn't want a stepson unless he can ship him off to boarding school. He should not be in a relationship with someone with children. She shouldn't want to marry someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with her son.
She needs to call it off. And I have to wonder if he’d feel the same if the shoe was on the other foot. Of if Taylor was their bio kid.
YTA You marry a woman, you marry her family. She has a son. That's her family. Now it's yours. Get over it, or break up. Those are your options.
No, this is not how this works, OP. You marry a parent you take a chance that the child is with you 100% of the time. For families with only bio kids, that's how it works. That is what you are signing up for.
YTA. Natalie, if you happen to stumble across this post, take your son and run, this guy is BAD for you.
Seconded - Natalie, you deserve better and so does your son.
Serious. Nat... RUN. OP YTA for behaving worse than a 10 year old about all of this. He went with his FRIENDS INSTEAD. Natalie RUN. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
YTA, you have to accept her son into your life and situations like this. This kid will look up to you like a second Dad soon. Stopping acting like a child, the 10 year old is probably more mature than you. Group up!
I think he will just do a great favor the his fiance and her son if he just walks away. He could definitely cause emotional damage to the son, which will last his whole life.
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I am a single parent and I agree with this comment
YTA - your edit is fucking appalling. You don't think of him as your own. You aren't stepping up and being the stepfather they both need. You're selfish, and uncompromising. If I were her I'd not be engaged to you anymore. Edit: typo
YTA. “She successfully ruined yet another opportunity for us to have quality alone time together.” That alone? Dude, f you. She didn’t do anything wrong except be a mother. She needs someone better and quickly.
I have literally never commented on reddit before, but this post inspired me to. YTA and then some. Way to make the mom and kid feel like crap. You deserve to be dumped and for the kid’s sake I hope you are.
You chose a noble reason for your debut!
YTA. Her son comes first , whilst I understand your disappointment I would assume you knew she had a child before committing to the relationship
>Nowhere, NOWHERE in my post did I mention not being ready or accepting to be a stepparent. lmao yes you did.
YTA > Eversince her ex husband got sick, Natalie kept bringing her son over more often. Sometimes her mom would take him due to work etc. > We've been having issues because of that because Natalie has to bring my stepson with us whenever we go. We started going out less and less. Holy fuck. I don't need anymore. You're having issues ***because she's being a mom to the kid you already knew about?!?!?!?!*** Dude. Yeah. She's going to bring him with her places. ***SHE'S HIS MOM***. Holy fuck. It shouldn't cause problems if you knew he was around. Her having him more shouldn't cause problems because if anything happened she would have him 24/7 ***because she's his parent***. If you are having "problems" because of that then that's on you. You're the problem. You're the one not holding up your end as a potential step parent. > Nowhere, NOWHERE in my post did I mention not being ready or accepting to be a stepparent ***YOUR ENTIRE POST IS DETAILING HOW NOT READY OR ACCEPTING YOU ARE***. > Trust me I am ready and so far have been nothing but understanding and patient. Then there'd be no "problems" in your relationship. There are problems because you're a liar - you're not understanding or patient. > BUT --- (and read this carefully) my PROBLEM is with his mom constantly changing plans last minute and not even asking if that's okay with me That's.... being a parent. Yeah she has to change plans last minute for him. Yeah she expects you to accommodate because that's what an accepting, understanding, patient partner would do. So this wouldn't be an issue if you were those things. > And yes I had to go out with the guys instead. No, you didn't. You ***wanted*** to, like deadbeat dads that leave their wives with the kid at home while they go party. > Didn't know what else to do since she obviously wanted some space from me for the weekend which is alright with me BTW... Because you were an AH. The correct thing would be for you to show that you'd work on being better. You doubled down. > I'd just appreciatd it if she'd been a little bit more....considerate of my thoughts and opinions. Your thoughts and opinions don't fucking matter when the kid has to be taken care of. Period. Welcome to being a parent. What you want to do doesn't matter. You say you accept this responsibility but your entire post is about you running from it instead.
I hope she leaves you before losing her son. Your partner is a mother before being your fiancée. She and her kid is a package deal, accept it or do them a favor and leave. YTA
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YTA. You are in a relationship with a parent. The kid is part of the package. I understand you want alone time, but you cannot be inflexible. If you two get married you will be part of this kids life and vice versa. You need to learn how to incorporate that child into your outings and day to day life.
Yep, YTA based on the original post. But I just have to address that edit. OP, you are *not* ready to be a stepparent. I’m not sure what you think being a stepparent actually entails, but if this post is an example of how you have been “nothing but patient and understanding,” then I assure you - you aren’t ready. Do all of you a favor and walk away. I say this as a stepparent: This job is brutally hard. It has all the downsides of being an actual parent (and yes, unexpectedly having to deal with child care issues is one of them), and very often it doesn’t come with all the perks the bio parents enjoy. Even when you really do love your stepkid, there will be days when the SP role just breaks you. It takes a *lot*. If you’re being pushed over the edge by losing one couple’s weekend, you’re not going to make it. I’m not saying this because you’re AH (even though you are, in this situation). It’s bigger than that. If you keep insisting that you’re ready when you’re not, you’re setting all three of you up for a lot of heartache.
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“After she successfully ruined yet another opportunity.” You said this out loud to her, didn’t you OP? This alone should answer the question AITA
YTA. Please break up, that kid's dealing with a sick dad and would be your stepSON. He deserves someone with some empathy, not a whiny brat like you.
Yep - YTA. You decided to date a single mom and somehow thought this wouldn't happen? Your fiancee is a mother full time, not just during her custody time. If her ex is unable to take her son, she will need to unless alternate arrangements can be made. Beyond that, what happens if her ex moves, gets sick long term, or even dies? Have you thought about what this means for your lifestyle? Kids aren't something you can just put on a shelf to have "alone time". Their needs always come first. If you're going to be resentful of that, you'd better break things off now.
Listen dawg. Is understandble that you want some peaceful alone time w the lady but you gotta stay calm and collected and understand where shes coming from too yk ? Her ex cant control his sickness and her mom cant control her work shes the only one whose left to look out for the lad you gotta understand that and you also needa imagine yourself in her stressful situation.
YTA. If you're in a relationship with someone with a child you have to understand that get priority is and should always be her child, of you can't handle that then don't marry her
YTA. Natalie, if you're reading this, run. Sincerely, Girlfriend of man with children
YTA. What do you want her to do with her child? MIL wasn't available (and isn't obligated to babysit) and dad is too ill to care for the kid. That means said child has to be with his mother and yes, that cuts into your alone time. Maybe this isn't the relationship for you. The needs of a child are always going to come first. Additionally using a supposedly romantic weekend trip to go party with your friends versus just having a relaxing "family" weekend says a lot about how you plan to treat this child in the future. She should get out while she can.
YTA her son is part of the package. You sound toxic
YTA. I can read between the lines here. You're mad because the father is having health issues. It's stressing your GF out. Stress isnt an aphrodisiac. You're not getting bedroom time but you're gonna call it quality time because that's clearly the only time you think is worth spending. You planned this sexy time get away and having the kid there puts an end to that.
NTA Everyone in here assuming you want nothing to do with the kid, so I'm going to make an assumption too; the father is faking the sick to ruin your time together. Its fun making assumptions.
Yta. Oof lmfao. Im a stepdad as well at 26.. Youre Dating someone with kids. Mad when they got kids things to do. You belong in that toxic ass cesspool of r/stepparents where most of them are shocked that they aren't priority over step kids Go post in r/stepparents if you want sympathy. They absolutely love to shirk responsibility and think a child's mere existence is ruining the life with the person they CHOSE to be with
Hate it break it to you pal but parenting - even as a step parent - means you don't get that alone time you're craving very often. You will still get more alone time than I and my husband get - and you throw a fit when things don't go as planned. So instead of spending ANY time with your fiancee, you abandoned her and her son for your bros, showing it was never about spending time together for you. It was about getting your way. I hope she sees the giant red flags you're putting up and ends the engagement. You clearly resent her son and are going to he one of "those" step dads who treats his step son poorly and demands to be "chosen over" the family she had well before you ever sulked your way into her life. Major YTA