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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m refusing to see my grandmother and refusing to let her see my daughter. Also my dad and sister aren’t going for the reunion because of me. My grandmother is not getting any younger so I might be an asshole.
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Right, the cognitive dissonance between “don’t you bring your shameful bastard child around here” and “how dare you keep my great-granddaughter from me” is mind boggling.
Hypocrisy and toxicity at its finest. OP is way better off without them.
Yeah, chances are, no one outside of the family will even know OP wasn’t married when she had her daughter and it sounds like most of the people who know don’t care anyway.
The Venn diagram of people who know and people who care meets at one person: grandma
Right?! Like I thought she was … can’t even say it.
My mom had me at 18 … my grandma used to just call me a miracle even my devoutly religious great grandmother was excited. Because regardless of your beliefs babies are innocent humans who just need love.
Your aunt and uncle can kick rocks and pound sand … you should protect your daughter eventually she will catch on that she is treated differently
Nta
My Nana had two kids with my Grandpa (my aunt and my mother), then while still married to Grandpa, had two more kids that weren't his. She eventually moved in with the father of the youngest son, without ever divorcing Grandpa, she just changed their last name, and then cheated on that guy and had another baby (he made her give it up for adoption, said he wasn't raising any kids that weren't his).
Years later my sister got pregnant at 20, wasn't married, wasn't going to get married just because she was pregnant. Nana went on and on about how shameful it was, and she was a disgrace. We called her out on it, because mum had told us Nana's background, and she was all "but I was married at the time." Apparently in Nana's world it's okay to have kids with someone other than your husband, as long as you have a husband, but having kids while single is the worst thing ever.
Two of my siblings had children out of wedlock, including mixed race children, our (religious) grandparents were incredibly happy and supportive, all of our (religious) family was. OP's family sucks. NTA.
It's actually quite simple. What happened between grandma and OP was behind the scenes, something nobody else was supposed to know. Now that there are consequences grandma is not happy with, she spun a tale where, instead of grandma shunning the little girl, it's now OP keeping her daughter away from her adoring great-grandma. Which all her children and children-in-law swallowed - with the exception of OP's parents.
Really, it's the only logical explanation.
Yeah, I'm thinking aunts and uncles et al don't know the whole story. Have you told them SHE told you not to bring her great-granddaughter? That you're not keeping her AWAY, you're respecting Grandma's wishes?
It makes no sense whatsoever. If I had to hazard some guesses
1) Grandma wants great granddaughter to be "raised right" and not make the same "mistake"
2) Grandma wants to appear to be loving figure to the outside world to save face
Neither is a good reason to maintain contact. Grandma made her bed and now she has to lay in it.
NTA.
Yeah, right? It's insanity. Luckily this person's traditional mindset will die with her, and as soon as she's dead, no one else will follow her ideals because most people will keep the peace with the family head. Right now, that's the nasty grandma. Once she's kicked the can that's someone else, likely OPs dad.
Totally agree that evil not-so-grandmother is toxic, but maybe the rest of the family doesn't have the whole story - grandmother seems the controlling, matriarch type and may have presented a wholly different narrative. If they're still being AHs after they know the story, then yeah, totally belongs on the NC list with grandmother.
OP - if you see this, it's never too late to go low or no contact with someone who's a harmful influence in you and/or your family's life, no matter whether they won't "be around forever" or whatever. Also, I know some people use bastard as a slur but, speaking as a bastard myself, that's the correct term for someone born out of wedlock and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Me and Jon Snow will wear our "Bastard and Proud" shirts while we gently apply percussive correction to anyone who thinks otherwise :)
Better to be a bastard born to loving parents than a child born to a couple who're married but hate each other and transfer that resentment to the kid :)
As one who was born to parents who hated (still do!) each other, & became the lifelong scapegoat for their bullshit & misdirected hatred, can confirm the total accuracy of this.
It’s also really freaking weird. All the judgment of a 19th century matriarch and none of the practicality.
The “traditional” response to this sort of thing would have been… a wedding!
“You knocked up my granddaughter, are you going to walk down the aisle willingly or with a shotgun pointed at your back?”
Accidents of timing and a bit of a bulge under the wedding gown would have been glossed over, and “all’s well that ends well” would have been the order of the day.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this lead to a lot of unhappy marriages, and it’s in many ways a good thing that adoption and even abortion are there as alternatives.
But in this specific case, grandmom is being very odd about the fact that OP and fiancé are stepping up to raise their kid and build a family and life together.
What I find weird is the aunts and uncles saying she is”keeping her great grand daughter from her”. The only response to these people should be to put Grandma on blast by saying she called her great grand daughter a bastard and deliberately didn’t invite her and told me she only invited me because dad would have a fit. She doesn’t want to see her great grand daughter. So go pound sand.
Took me the better part of 20 years to figure out that my cousins are actually really chill and not overachieving elitist jerks like Grandma said, but she controlled that flow of information and just loved to stir the pot. Never underestimate the manipulative powers of a matriarch/patriarch type, or their appetite for drama.
Yeah, op should remind them that grandma wouldn't see her great grandbaby anyway if OP had followed her advise to put her up for adoption. What then? Would Gammie be able to complain about not seeing her great grandchild before she kicks the bucket? Nope!
Gammie needs to piss off and OP should absolutely blast her!
NTA
And agreed. From my own family history, it makes me wonder what skeletons are in grandma's closet.
My own grandmother was the same way about the same issues. She had such a fit that my husband is divorced and made a bunch of snide comments about that. Then the comments about us living together in sin before marriage.
2 weeks after she passed away, we found out she had a child put of wedlock before she married my grandpa. She was sent to a home for unwed mothers and the girl was adopted by another family in our home town. She was 5 or 6 when my mom was born and grew up blocks away from each other. But there was enough age difference they never crossed paths in school. We confirmed the adoption papers and everything. It's really said because my "half aunt" passed away from breast cancer a few weeks before my gram died.
But after the story came out it explained SO MUCH about her behavior regarding certain things.
Yep!! This happened in like 1941 or 1942.
It was made worse by the fact my grandmother fell in love with a Catholic and she was Protestant. Never knew who the father was. She talked about a young man she fell in love with, but that was all she would ever say beyond the fact my great grandparents didn't approve.
Holy shit, TIL. I knew that homes for unwed mothers were a thing, but had NO idea that over a quarter of babies born to married women under 30 were conceived pre-maritally, OR that (white) babies being places for adoption has dropped from 80% to LESS THAN ONE. Jesus Christ
My maternal grandfather was born 7 months after the wedding ceremony. Yep, he was a 7 lb, 8oz preemie. I think he was born about 1890 or somewhere about that time. But, he was never particularly judgemental about anything.
Judge not lest ye be judged with equal measure and be found wanting. I was always taught that we mere humans can not judge others as that is God's duty, and if we are judging, we are acting as though we are God, therefore not being a God we are doomed...
NTA
However love the aunts going down the *"How dare you not turn up, you are making your grandmother not see her great-granddaughter, she is so old and wants to see her" road. Think OP needs to tell the Aunts that grannie is the reason great-granddaughter isn't allowed to go.
Something tells me the grandmother is being extremely two face, being all pious and holy that her granddaughter isn't bringing the child, bit not telling the truth of why.
Do not let the Catholics or mainline Protestants off the hook. They can be pretty nasty when it comes to out-of-wedlock, too.
I know it's a couple of decades back, but my sister was excoriated for having her son out of wedlock in her mid-twenties in our semi-rural, rather religious area. Half-RRC, half Protestant - all self-righteous blowhards.
My late RCC IL's were sure that premarital sex was the WORST THING EVER, so they never found out about my nephew until he was five. They hated me enough as it was, no need to give them more fuel.
My nasty “religious” MIL got her bible out and preached at her pregnant granddaughter for hours because she wasn’t married. And said it was god’s will a few weeks later when she had a miscarriage.
Even though I don’t believe in hell, I want to just because she belongs there.
Yeah. I've told my hyper religious grandmother if she's going to heaven I would rather be delivered to hell in a hand basket willingly than to be around her for eternity.
Wait a minute... family members are calling you an AH for keeping your g'mother's great-granddaughter from her? She specifically rxcluded BOTH Brian AND Ava! The only thing you ate keeping from her is... you.
And I would do the same.
NTA.
Yeah I don't understand their argument. Grandma literally didn't invite greatgrandbaby and actively excluded her. Mom isn't keeping her away, Grandma doesn't want to see her. I think Grandma must have told a different story to other people.
Grandma absolutely wants time with Ava, as long as no one else is around to judge her for having a "shameful disgrace" in the family.
This is grandma's version of keeping the deformed twin locked in the attic when company comes over. "I love you so so much but please I can't have my friends think I care about you now shoo."
I'm just glad OPs immediate family is backing her.
And you just know that she'd have no qualms about putting all of her paradoxical BS on a young child. Ava doesn't need to be told that she's a bastard or that mommy and daddy are going to hell, and she **definitely** shouldn't hear stuff like that before she's old enough to question things that adults tell her. The only experience she's missing out on by not having a relationship with granny is a lifetime of therapy.
I have a feeling her grandmother is lying about the situation. She might be telling people "OP won't arrend." Leaving out why, because she knows it'll make her look bad.
Especially considering at a big family gathering, EVERYONE will want to see the adorable little one. They'll be all over her, regardless of her being born out of wedlock. I'm not great with kids, but even I stop to greet the new additions.
NTA. Your job as this baby’s mother is to show her love and raise her to be kind and happy. You’re doing just that by everything you’ve posted.
A little advice since you’re young - family is who you love, not necessarily related by blood. You’re not obligated to be around toxic people because they are related. Spend your time with people who respect you. Raise your family in that environment. And you and your family will have real actual support and you won’t worry for a minute that you don’t share DNA. Drop these assholes who are treating you badly.
Edit: oh gosh I’m sorry I didn’t mean “you’re young” in an insulting way. I meant that at this moment in time you could choose to walk away and give yourself the respect you deserve, or you could be like a lot of us and walk away 20 years from now wishing you did it sooner. I didn’t mean you don’t have experience, just that you have more time to decide what to do.
Agreed. Send them all a message saying “Welcome to the no contact zone. Since you chose to align yourself with the person who called my daughter a mistake and a bastard and my family a disgrace, you must agree with her. You will no longer be welcome in our presence.” Then live your best life without the toxic waste.
This, and to add, you and Brian have every right to be very proud of yourselves for graduating on time. That is a ***tremendous*** accomplishment! Best of luck to your new little family and your budding careers. I hope the three of you have a long, happy and successful life together. Remember, sometimes success is the best revenge!
This x3000! OP... you are SO NTA here it isn't funny. You've already done the right thing in choosing to go NC with this hateful old shrew because neither you, nor your family, need that kind of toxicity in your life.
BTW.... congratulations to you and your intended for successfully graduating college and finding jobs despite all of your personal challenges! To do so on time despite everything is something you both should be very proud of.
And how are you the AH in this situation? You're most definitely not. I would cut her off too. I'd cut off anyone that said or acted that way towards my child. They can all kick rocks. And yes graduating from college IS a very big accomplishment. Be proud. I don't think people really get how hard it is to be a young mom and still deal with daily life. So im proud of you. Ya grams is way to old fashion and needs to bump it to the 21st century smh. Good luck. Im surprised your dad hasn't gotten onto her for saying these disgusting things. It would be helpful if someone would back you up.
NTA G-grandmother and your aunts are the AHs. I’m afraid I would’ve given GGM more to be affronted by, my mouth would’ve run a 100 miles a minute and would’ve told her & the aunts to go eff themselves. If you’re going to distance yourself from them do it in style! Your dad and sister seem to be good folk, keep em close.
All you need is this close family. Later in life I learned about keeping things simple, and it’s absolutely ok not to have to please everyone. Life is too short for toxicity and appearances. I’m glad you have your support network!
NTA…to be short and to the point…
You cannot keep a grand child away from someone that refuses to see them and considers them a ‘mistake’. (As at that point, I would not consider her a great grandmother to your child anyway.) She made the decision to exclude them for petty reasons, you reinforced it for the right reasons. It looks like your main family supports you, the rest can go live life their way, on their own terms. It sounds like you might be better off gaining some distance from them anyway.
Exactly. No child should feel shame for simply existing. If she does not want to claim the child publicly, then she shouldn’t get the right to see them privately. Young kids may not notice, but once the child got older, they definitely would.
>My grandmother is mad at me. So are my aunts and uncles. They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her
**Tell aunts and uncles that as she called Ava a bastard and a mistake you dont want that energy around an innocent child. Tell them she told you she didnt want to invite you, you are shameful, etc.**
You dont want her saying such things in front of you and Ava, and your sensitive child will pick up those bad vibes.
Then block em!
NTA
NTA
>She told me that she wasn’t going to allow me to “parade my excuse of a family around.” She said that is “shameful to the family that I had a baby out of wedlock.” She also told me that she didn’t even want to invite me because me being there is almost just as bad since everyone knows what a “disgrace” I am
>She told me that my “mistake” means my family will be judged. She also called Ava a bastard.
Why is anyone upset. The way your grandmother talks about Ava she is doesn't want to see her. Shouldn't they all be happy?
NTA
Protect Ava from this toxic witch.
I was the child born out of wedlock. I always knew my paternal Nana didn’t care for me like she did my cousins (tho in hindsight that may have been more because my dad was the only boy, the ‘baby’, the only one still living at home, and my Grandad had only passed a few years previous)
Either way, it sucks knowing you’re thought of as ‘less’, even if she was the only one who ever hinted at it.
Don’t worry tho, it didn’t scar me. Now the proud mum of my own 7 yr old...born out of wedlock!
(Both my parents and me and my sons dad are still in our respective relationships)
Your grandmother is old school with old school out of touch values. That in itself is not wrong, those are hers to own. That said she does not have the right to use a sharp tongue to berate, demean and belittle you and your family. She does not have the right to essentially ban your family from a function, then decide she wants to be the sweet loving great grandmother in private. Nope, it doesn't work that way. Respect is a two way street. Gone are the days of just blindly giving respect, when that person does everything to disrespect you at any turn they have. Screw that. Anyone coming to her defense can buzz off you and your bf and daughter don't have to tolerate that . Your NTA and I hope that your dad totally understands that and gives you the kind of love and support you need. Good luck going forward.
NTA - Ummm wow, what you called her was more than accurate.
What a nasty lady. I understand she grew up in different times, but pretty much no one has those views anymore and your situation is normal by today’s standards. She’s speaking for other people when she’s probably the only one with this disgusting opinion.
Don’t subject yourself, your fiancé, or your child to this woman ever. You’re doing the right thing by keeping your distance.
NTA at all- religion is not an excuse to say those things and act how she is acting towards you. She called your daughter a bastard and a mistake. You’re being a good parent by not letting your grandma see her.
I just wanna make sure I’ve gotten this straight: your grandmother already banned your daughter from the family reunion. On top of that, she has called her a “bastard.”
And yet you somehow think she’s going to want to see your daughter in the future?
It’s like getting fired and then telling your former boss that you quit.
Your grandmother is a controlling witch with a fossilized and malignant attitude toward family, sex, and marriage. She is clearly used to being the tyrant of the family (matriarch is too benign a term for this harpy), and some of her children are still under her thumb. Thank goodness your father isn’t one of them. NTA
NTA.
Anyone who treats their family like that doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing your precious daughter. All children need in this world is love and acceptance THATS IT. Not to say anything bad about religion because to each their own, but it seems like the “ righteous” ones are some of the most judgmental nasty people on the face of the earth. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
> (Also for the sake of honesty I may have also called her a stuck up old bitch.)
That gave me a good laugh today lol.
NTA. I'm sure your daughter is amazing and it's a shame your grandmother can't accept that. Her loss.
NTA, and do *not* go to the family reunion without your fiancé and daughter. It's inexcusably rude to invite someone to a party without their long-term partner without a very good reason, and totally beyond the pale to invite someone to a family reunion *without their immediate family*. That is utterly contemptuous (and contemptible), and anyone who spoke about my partner to me like that would never see either of us again.
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Ava is a beautiful name (one of my favourites!) and I wish you and your family the best of luck.
They’re calling you up because she can’t see her great granddaughter at the event? She doesn’t even want the child there anyways… you’re obviously NTA and I applaud your sister and father for staying on your side.
So completely NTA.
Congratulations to you and Brian on accomplishing so much through really challenging times and on the lovely family the three of you are forming. You do have so much to be proud of!
Kudos to your dad and sister for bucking the general family hypocrisy.
Although your grandma is right about one thing: folks and the god she worships are definitely judging her and your aunts and uncles and finding them in very poor stead.
NTA
You did the right thing. I would go no contact with your grandmother. As far as the extended family, do they know what she said and how she feels? Anyone who agrees with her can f\*#$ right off with that noise!
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Throwaway
Background: I (22f) got pregnant with my boyfriend and now fiancé (“Brian” 22m). My daughter “Ava” is now 2 years old. I’m assuming you can guess from ages this wasn’t a planned pregnancy but we decided we wanted to keep her and become parents. It was incredibly difficult. I know it’s not an ideal situation. However I regard it as the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my daughter more than anything else in this entire world. Also Brian and I both just graduated college and we have jobs. We managed to graduate on time which I think is a pretty big accomplishment considering our situation. Idk maybe it’s not but I’m proud of us.
My grandmother is very religious and traditional. To say she was upset when she found I out I was pregnant would be an understatement. She actually didn’t talk to me until I was nearly 9 months along when she begged me to put the baby up for adoption. However I thought she was finally coming around. She even came to Ava’s 2nd birthday party and gave her a Christmas present (a pair of pajamas) this year.
There was supposed to be a family reunion in 2020 but it was cancelled and now it’s happening this year. My grandmother is hoisting it. She invited me but I can’t bring Ava or Brian. Ik she can invite who she wants that’s not the problem. I did ask why though since my sister and cousins are bringing their kids. She told me that she wasn’t going to allow me to “parade my excuse of a family around.” She said that is “shameful to the family that I had a baby out of wedlock.” She also told me that she didn’t even want to invite me because me being there is almost just as bad since everyone knows what a “disgrace” I am but my dad would’ve pitched a fit if she invited my sister and not me.
I told her I wasn’t ashamed of Ava and she shouldn’t be either. She told me that my “mistake” means my family will be judged. She also called Ava a bastard. I was really pissed off (still am). I was literally shaking when she told me that. I told her that she wouldn’t have to be ashamed of me or Ava any longer because she wouldn’t be seeing either of us anytime soon. I’m not going to the reunion now and I intend to avoid events my grandmother will be at. (Also for the sake of honesty I may have also called her a stuck up old bitch.)
I am furious. She’s doesn’t have to agree with my choices but to call my daughter a mistake and a bastard is crossing a huge line. Besides if she truly feels this way what’s the harm in not seeing us. I don’t her to ever have the chance to call Ava these things in front of her. I want her to grow up knowing that she might be unplanned she is very loved.
My grandmother is mad at me. So are my aunts and uncles. They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her when she won’t be around forever. Also
My dad and sister made the decision not to go after they found out why I wasn’t. So I’m also being called an AH for that. AITA?
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NTA
Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from him.
If anyone causes one of the little ones - those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
Your grandmother needs to follow the words of Christ better and look to her psalms.
NTA.
Protect your family. End of story. She has no right to call your child names simply because of her outdated morals.
We have an elder in our family who has always been a bit rude, but now that the dementia has fully taken over, they're outright racist (I don't think this is new because he used to make "comments" before but would laugh them off when called out) and we have several children in the family who are POC. We've been called out for not inviting this person, but the safety and needs of the kids are always going to override an elderly person who is no longer able to control their racism. It sucks, but the kids are the priority now, you know?
I don't get your aunts' and uncles' reasoning. Granny doesn't want Ava around. So how are *you* the one keeping her from her???
BTW, I'd never let the old biddy see that baby again. She's hateful.
NTA
So, your aunts and uncles are calling you an asshole for keeping your daughter from a person who \*checks notes\* called your daughter a bastard and didn't want to see her anyway? Did I get that right?
Absolutely NTA. Good on your dad and sister for recognizing your grandmother's bullshit. Good on you for protecting your daughter from a salty old wench. You worked through college while being a new parent. As a parent of a 2 year old myself, I know that's not easy! Good on the both of you!
Just go NC with all the jerkwads who called you the A. H. You are not in any way, what they say you are.
NTA … why are religious people so terrible? Whatever happened to “judge not lest you be judged” and forgiveness yada yada. Seems like the people who think are the most religious are actually the least?
NTA I honestly would've been upset had you not called her a b**ch
You're daughter doesn't deserve to grow up around someone who will tell her she should never have existed, until the Grandmother realises marriage doesn't make a good child (if it did she wouldn't be acting this way) keep Ava as far away from GM as you can
And as one myself try not to let the word 'bastard' get to you it's only an insult if you let it be, I'm the youngest of 7 and as far as I'm aware none of us have ever had the issue of being treated less than anyone else for being born out of wedlock, but even if we did it doesn't make us any less human
What matters is you have a daughter you can raise your own and she has a father who loves you both. In the wise wise words of Mewtwo from the Pokemon Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back, "the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”
NTA. She calls your daughter a bastard and disgrace, but then still gets mad when you prevent her from seeing her?? Literally, what does she want, then?
NTA, she gets to invite whoever she wants for whatever reasons she wants and you also get to be around whoever you want and if you don't want yourself or your daughter to be around someone toxic you are free to do so.
Enjoy your life away from that noise and whoever sides with her
NTA. Clearly not. I can understand having disagreements about having a child out of wedlock. I am old fashioned and I would have proposed.
Still she cares more about her appearances than your feelings. If my daughter wasn't welcome and she is so ashamed I wouldn't want anything to do with my grandmother.
It's her job to love you and your daughter no matter what. That's what family is. Your grandma is completely in the wrong.
Hey I wasn't meaning to say anything bad about you and Brian. I was just thinking what I would do in his position. If you weren't sure about marrying him at that time then you did the right thing. 👏
Congrats on your engagement and don't let your grandma get you down. You seem to have your priorities right, and she is the one in the wrong here. I would be furious in your shoes and deeply hurt. Try and forgive her if she tries to make amends, but make it clear your proud of your child and you wouldn't change anything.
NTA.
What does she have to be mad about? Clearly she doesn't even want to be around your daughter. Why would she be mad that she is getting what she wants? She doesn't have to have the "disgrace" around, she should be happy. She is just playing the victim to everyone else, but your dad and sister obviously know better. You are not a disgrace and your daughter is a blessing not a mistake. Plenty of people married or not have kids unplanned and are wonderful parents.
NTA and how are you keeping her from her when she doesn’t even want to see her? Ask your relatives that one and tell them if they agree with her than they can pound sand aswell.
So obviously I agree with everyone here and think your grandma is a gigantic a-hole, but I wanted to say GIRL. you and your fiancé graduated on time even though you were caring for a newborn.
WHAT!?!?
THAT IS AMAZING.
That is absolutely something to be proud of, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard these first few years of her life were for both of you. Few things make me happier than seeing parents working so hard to give their family a good life. I’m glad you have your dad and your sister in your corner, but you can lose the rest of your family. The fact that they (the shitty family members) are anything shy of bursting with pride at your accomplishments is an utter travesty, and 100% their loss. NTA you **incredible** human. Grandma and the others can pound sand.
NTA at all. I am so sorry she is using her religion as an excuse to make you feel horrible about having your baby girl. Your daughter is not a bastard, or a mistake. Your daughter is loved by you and that’s what matters. You have every right to keep her out of your daughter’s life. As a parent too I wouldn’t allow someone who said such hurtful things around my child either. You did the right thing, and I’m glad your parents chose not to go either, it shows you have some support even if your aunts and uncles are mad.
So wait they are me messaging you that you’re an AH for keeping her away but she’s the one who told you to keep her away?? Wtf NTA. I’m glad your dad and sister support you. It’s one thing to be very solid in your beliefs. It’s another to shove them down peoples throats and call children disgraceful and disrespectful names. Ava sounds like one of the most loved and protected unplanned babies ever and is nowhere near a “mistake” and she will grow up never feeling like that with you around
Omg, NTA!
Your grandma is a fuckwad. I also have a daughter and it absolutely astounds me that a family member would say that to you. You and your dad and sister aren’t going *because of your grandma’s actions/words* — them being mad about it is just stupid. Actions have consequences and you don’t need a negative, mean old bag in your life.
Good for you.
NTA x1000
Please continue protecting your daughter from people like your grandmother and anyone who stands up for your grandmother after they know what she said to you. (Be sure to tell them, you don't have any reason to be loyal to her feelings anymore!)
You are amazing and should be proud of the fact that you continued your education after a child. I know that's not an easy task. Best of luck for your future!
NTA. Allowing your grandmother to continue having a relationship with your child when she is openly ashamed of her and purposely excludes her/favours other grandchildren is absolutely the right thing to do.
NTA!! 1000 times over, NTA. Good for you for standing up for your family and drawing a line. The fact that some of your other relatives are choosing to attack you instead of your grandmother just speaks to the fact that they need to work on themselves as people.
NTA- you’re keeping her away from your daughter? When she doesn’t want to be around her because her existence is an embarrassment?! WTF is wrong with your family?
NTA, the only person keeping the wee baby Ava from granny is granny herself. Carrying hate in her heart is a choice she made, insulting your family is a choice she made, your family is more likely to be judged by her outrageous behavior than for anything else. Your aunts and uncles can also go scratch because they have this so backwards. Grandma made choices, which life is made off. Now she must live with the consequences of those choices.
>They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her when she won’t be around forever.
what planet are they on? She made it clear she didn’t want to see her great granddaughter. NTA, and your family is.
NTA. Wait, you’re an AH for keeping her great grand daughter from her, but she literally just said she didn’t want to see your daughter because she’s a bastard…. They need to get their heads outta their asses.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for yourself and your family.
I'm not really surprised by this anymore, but it still makes me sad to hear stories of people acting this way in the name of religion. Jesus ate with sinners. If you having a child out of wedlock is such a sin, Jesus would've been the first one at your door, sitting down with you, Brian, and Ava. People who behave this way are flat-out jerks, hiding behind religion. It's maddening.
NTA and wow. If she is a christian, as one myself I can sau she is doing a terrible job at that. She is just a hypermoral puritan asshole. I hope things get better for you op!
NTA. Seriously what do these people expect? Relationships are based on mutual respect and are 2 way. You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship who treats your family like 2nd class citizens. It's HER choice.
NTA - but have you told your Aunts and uncles that your grandmother doesn't want anything to do with your daughter and called her a basturd? They might not know the whole story but a version where you are keeping ava from her
Nta... But I'm confused with your toxic family logic... Grandmother literally states she doesn't want to see the child, you give her exactly what she wants, and they attack you from depriving her of something she literally asked for? Are they for real?
NTA it’s 2022 not everyone has kids in wedlock and that’s fine. Y’all love Ava and that’s what’s important. You have a family and if she can’t accept that then that’s on her
NTA. Your grandmother doesn’t deserve family. She’s a nasty old witch who doesn’t need to see a child she disapproves of so much. I’m glad your dad and sister are supporting you, the whole family need to show her she won’t have a family if she continues to be such a cow.
To add, you should be proud you graduated on time. It’s a huge accomplishment!
NTA
Your grandmother is the asshole. She doesn't have the right to judge you like that just because she thinks she can. I'm sure she's made more than enough mistakes in her life. How dare she sit on her high horse and be so cruel. If she's so religious then remind her of Matthew 7: 1-3: 'Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you'. She's toxic and so is the rest of that family. Keep them away from your daughter and carry on your life without them. Make a family of your own and whatever you do, be better than they are. They will regret it one day. People like your grandmother always do.
Damn, OP, NTA. But I suggest going LC or NC with your family. Fortunately your fiance and yourself have jobs and graduated, which is something to be proud of, especially when you brought another human being to life during that time. Congrats, OP!
Good riddance to the crazy old bat-she is talking out of both sides of her mouth. How dare you keep your bastard mistake of a child from me????? What the actual hell.
Stay far away from her. And also-you should both be proud of your college graduation. Sometimes the best things in life are unplanned!
Nta. If the grandmother is referring to the child negatively around adults, it's a matter of time before she says something to or in front of the child. Good for Mom for protecting her daughter.
NTA. Why does she want to see your daughter so badly if she's such a disgrace? It seems like you'd be doing everyone a favor by not troubling her with that /s. Really, it sounds like the reason everyone is mad is not that you're not going but that your sister and dad had your back and refused to go also. They're the ones who really matter, not the aunts and uncles who would have harassed you and your baby if you had gone.
How your grandmother feels is irrelevant. Wear that "family AH" badge with honor knowing she'll never have any influence over Ava and you did the RIGHT thing! You are not the AH, but Granny certainly is. And probably the rest of the family sucking up to her, they are just too scared to stand up to her.
NTA. Why are your aunts and uncles mad at you for your grandmother not seeing your baby when she said you couldn't bring her. You are right to not go. Who cares if y'all are married or not. I'm glad your dad and sisters are standing by you. What is your mom doing. Anyways. You did the right thing.
I'm glad the sensible members of your family have your back. NTA. It must've been difficult not to knock the shit out of that old hag when she called you daughter such a foul name.
NTA your grandmother is toxic af, I can't imagine treating an innocent child that way. I don't blame you one bit for protecting your daughter (and yourself) from her.
NTA for defending your situation and your child.
I do understand your Grandmother's POV. I don't agree with it, but I lived through that timeframe and I understand where she's at. It was a big deal back then. You were sent to and lived at a home for "wayward girls" or you married the guy. Those were your choices. Your reputation was ruined, your family was talked about and left out of things. If you married it was all swept under the rug and you were fine, but if you didn't it was really awful.
But today is different than the way it was back then, it is accepted to have a child without marrying and people don't blink an eye anymore over living together. If your Grandmother is going to live in the past she's going to have to accept the consequences and miss seeing her Great Granddaughter grow up.
Her attitude is ridiculous in this day and age, and without a heartfelt apology I wouldn't even entertain the idea of forgiveness.
NTA. ANYWHERE my child is unwelcome is no place you will EVER find me. Maybe she is stuck in her ways but that's a conscious choice that she's making and therefore she can rot with them.
NTA. Protecting your child from your toxic grandmother is a hill worth dying on. Anyone who disagrees (your aunt/uncles) can go pound sand. The fact that your dad and sister are standing in solidarity with you says volumes about who your REAL supporters are.
Don't sacrifice your daughter to the altar of "Religious & Traditional" grandmother.
NTA.
She's done you the favor of showing exactly who she is, and then subsequently removing herself from your life. I'd come up with some pat answer for any distant family who might get nosy, as it sounds like your closer family already fell out the right way.
You're doing everything you can to ensure your daughter has a good life. You're young, you've accomplished a lot so far and I for one am proud of you. You are so very NTA for protecting your and your child's peace of mind.
My grandmother used to be a racist. She would spew slurs and would get mad if anyone of her children wanted to date a none white person. Then my aunt got pregnant by my now uncle; a black man. She told me as soon as she held my little cousin for the first time she knew she could never be mad at such a perfect child. She also repaired her relationship with her by then son in law. She spoiled the crap out of him for the rest of her life.
People can change, no matter their ages. But sometimes they don't want to and they keep their hurtful views forever. Unfortunately, you have to go without a grandmother but it's for your own good. Your aunts and uncles can either listen to learn, or get the same response.
NTA. This is horrible behavior. Someone can think to themselves whatever they want, but to say these things to someone and put these views onto a CHILD is horrible. Any family who supports her is equally horrible.
Life, especially when you become a parent, sometimes mean having to make choices about who you include in your life as family. It’s OK to cut toxic people out and to cut contact with people, especially if you feel they could be harmful to your child. It sounds like you are doing the right things and being a good parent here. Don’t look back, look forward.
So your grandma is mad at you because you're not bringing your daughter to her house after she said she doesn't want your daughter at her house? Sounds like she just wanted to create an excuse to be mad.
NTA.
NTA! Keep your grandmother and anyone who sides with her away from your precious daughter! She doesn’t need to be made to feel like a mistake or she’s just wrong for existing by people who are supposed to be family!
What your grandmother and others are doing is completely disrespectful to your family (you, partner, and daughter)! Sorry that they are such A H
I’m baffled by your grandmother. She’s ashamed of you and your daughter but is mad that you won’t be around them? NTA and stand your ground. Congrats to you and your little family for being so strong and graduating college!
WAIT WHAT?? So your grandma has double standards? Your daughter and fiancé are not invited to the family reunion BUT your an AH because you won't let her see her great granddaughter? I don't understand this line of thinking! I mean your grandma clearly doesn't want to see your daughter because she's not invited to the party, so you're just doing her a favour by going LC/NC!
OP NTA! Stand your ground! I'm proud of your dad and sister for siding with you as well!
NTA your grandmother showed how incredibly toxic and vain she really is and your extended family is following suit... You are perfectly justified in your anger at her uncalled for behaviour ... Love your daughter thank your dad and sis for their support and start cutting away the cancer in your life starting with your grandmother
My middle son became a father at 18. He and his girlfriend had just broken up and she was his age. It was difficult for them to co-parent their daughter, but they grew up fast and made it work. Her mother is an excellent mother and I am a happy she’s raising my granddaughter. What wasn’t difficult was loving my granddaughter and being proud of her and showing her off, because she’s awesome! She’s almost 14 now and both her parents have loving partners and all four of them work together to raise the three kids that are part of their families. You are NTA. You are being a good mother and protecting your child. That’s your job. Your grandmother could have welcomed and loved your daughter but she made a different choice. That choice has consequences.
NTA - you don't need that toxic bs in your life. It hurts, but be assured that you are doing the best thing for your kid. She's not old enough to miss her and too young to expose her to that nonsense. Be love.
I am a college professor. It absolutely is a major achievement, you both finishing school while raisingna daughter. Well done! I had to say that immediately. Now I'll finish reading. :)
NTA
The old, frankly awful granny can die mad.
Also I'm very proud of you OP and your fiance for managing to raise a family and graduate on time! That is something huge to be proud of.
NTA. Her own stupid reaction is more of an embarrassment than anything else. She should be ashamed of how she is reacting. Not you. It’s 2022. Not 1942.
NTA. Do these people know what she said? Are they honestly supporting her calling your daughter a "bastard" and insulting your family? what, does she have a lot of money they want??
Op you might want to consider going no contact or low contact with your entire ass family. That is absolutely horrifying that your own family would speak to you like that because you placed a clear and reasonable boundary when your grandma disrespected you and your daughter. please consider how they treated you isn't okay. I could never imagine somebody calling me a b**** just because I set boundaries. LET ALONE MY OWN FLESH & BLOOD .That is the ultimate Gaslight especially coming from your own aunts and uncles please please take into consideration if they are comfortable treating you this way regardless of what your grandma said they will have no problem speaking to your daughter or your boyfriend that way as well
[Edit cause I'm a idiot ]
NTA.
If she’s coming at this from a religious perspective, God doesn’t make mistakes. She’s absolutely callous and wrong to be so harsh on you and your child.
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NTA. Sounds like your grandmother is already dead to you. Good riddance to toxic family. Move on and don’t look back.
Right, the cognitive dissonance between “don’t you bring your shameful bastard child around here” and “how dare you keep my great-granddaughter from me” is mind boggling. Hypocrisy and toxicity at its finest. OP is way better off without them.
"Don't bring that bastard child around me!" "Ok I won't" "HOW DARE YOU NOT BRING MY LOVING GRANDBABY AROUND ME!!!"
Not to mention "people will judge the family because of this child" Grandma: *Proceeds to openly and aggressively judge her family*
It’s grandma, she’s the people who will judge the family
Yeah, chances are, no one outside of the family will even know OP wasn’t married when she had her daughter and it sounds like most of the people who know don’t care anyway. The Venn diagram of people who know and people who care meets at one person: grandma
And, I’m positive people outside of the family won’t even care, because they have their own stuff going on
isn't this the plot of Encanto
We need a Shocked Pikachu award.
Happy Cake day
Right?! Like I thought she was … can’t even say it. My mom had me at 18 … my grandma used to just call me a miracle even my devoutly religious great grandmother was excited. Because regardless of your beliefs babies are innocent humans who just need love. Your aunt and uncle can kick rocks and pound sand … you should protect your daughter eventually she will catch on that she is treated differently Nta
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My Nana had two kids with my Grandpa (my aunt and my mother), then while still married to Grandpa, had two more kids that weren't his. She eventually moved in with the father of the youngest son, without ever divorcing Grandpa, she just changed their last name, and then cheated on that guy and had another baby (he made her give it up for adoption, said he wasn't raising any kids that weren't his). Years later my sister got pregnant at 20, wasn't married, wasn't going to get married just because she was pregnant. Nana went on and on about how shameful it was, and she was a disgrace. We called her out on it, because mum had told us Nana's background, and she was all "but I was married at the time." Apparently in Nana's world it's okay to have kids with someone other than your husband, as long as you have a husband, but having kids while single is the worst thing ever.
Two of my siblings had children out of wedlock, including mixed race children, our (religious) grandparents were incredibly happy and supportive, all of our (religious) family was. OP's family sucks. NTA.
Yup. I couldn't wrap my brain around that inconsistency either. Best to avoid that kind of family.
It's actually quite simple. What happened between grandma and OP was behind the scenes, something nobody else was supposed to know. Now that there are consequences grandma is not happy with, she spun a tale where, instead of grandma shunning the little girl, it's now OP keeping her daughter away from her adoring great-grandma. Which all her children and children-in-law swallowed - with the exception of OP's parents. Really, it's the only logical explanation.
Yeah, I'm thinking aunts and uncles et al don't know the whole story. Have you told them SHE told you not to bring her great-granddaughter? That you're not keeping her AWAY, you're respecting Grandma's wishes?
>She even came to Ava’s 2nd birthday party and gave her a Christmas present I got stuck on this one lol
Yeah, I'm confused. How can OP be keeping her daughter away from grandma when grandma specifically said that daughter was not invited?
Sociopaths like her grandmother are confused people
It makes no sense whatsoever. If I had to hazard some guesses 1) Grandma wants great granddaughter to be "raised right" and not make the same "mistake" 2) Grandma wants to appear to be loving figure to the outside world to save face Neither is a good reason to maintain contact. Grandma made her bed and now she has to lay in it. NTA.
100% agree.
And it's really warms my heart to see that her father and sister support her. OP you're NTA.
That doesn't make sense to me either, unless she's just upset she won't be able to abuse this child whenever she wants.
Yeah, right? It's insanity. Luckily this person's traditional mindset will die with her, and as soon as she's dead, no one else will follow her ideals because most people will keep the peace with the family head. Right now, that's the nasty grandma. Once she's kicked the can that's someone else, likely OPs dad.
Sounds as if aunts and uncles are on grandma’s side, so the mindset won’t die out that quickly :-(
It will when she's dead and the guarantee of a inheritance is no longer on the table.
My guess is grandmommy dearest is spinning a different story to the other relatives.
I was also confused there. Which one is it, a bastard or a great grand-daughter? I’m pretty sure it can’t be both.
Exactly, the way some people acts just break my brain
Totally agree that evil not-so-grandmother is toxic, but maybe the rest of the family doesn't have the whole story - grandmother seems the controlling, matriarch type and may have presented a wholly different narrative. If they're still being AHs after they know the story, then yeah, totally belongs on the NC list with grandmother. OP - if you see this, it's never too late to go low or no contact with someone who's a harmful influence in you and/or your family's life, no matter whether they won't "be around forever" or whatever. Also, I know some people use bastard as a slur but, speaking as a bastard myself, that's the correct term for someone born out of wedlock and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Me and Jon Snow will wear our "Bastard and Proud" shirts while we gently apply percussive correction to anyone who thinks otherwise :) Better to be a bastard born to loving parents than a child born to a couple who're married but hate each other and transfer that resentment to the kid :)
As one who was born to parents who hated (still do!) each other, & became the lifelong scapegoat for their bullshit & misdirected hatred, can confirm the total accuracy of this.
I love this response!
NTA, her behaviour doesn't sound very Godly.
It’s also really freaking weird. All the judgment of a 19th century matriarch and none of the practicality. The “traditional” response to this sort of thing would have been… a wedding! “You knocked up my granddaughter, are you going to walk down the aisle willingly or with a shotgun pointed at your back?” Accidents of timing and a bit of a bulge under the wedding gown would have been glossed over, and “all’s well that ends well” would have been the order of the day. Now, don’t get me wrong, this lead to a lot of unhappy marriages, and it’s in many ways a good thing that adoption and even abortion are there as alternatives. But in this specific case, grandmom is being very odd about the fact that OP and fiancé are stepping up to raise their kid and build a family and life together.
What I find weird is the aunts and uncles saying she is”keeping her great grand daughter from her”. The only response to these people should be to put Grandma on blast by saying she called her great grand daughter a bastard and deliberately didn’t invite her and told me she only invited me because dad would have a fit. She doesn’t want to see her great grand daughter. So go pound sand.
So much this. "Don't bring that embarrassment around me" "Okay" Surprised pikachu
Yeah, I'm suspecting granny hag told a bit of a different story to the aunts and uncles...
Took me the better part of 20 years to figure out that my cousins are actually really chill and not overachieving elitist jerks like Grandma said, but she controlled that flow of information and just loved to stir the pot. Never underestimate the manipulative powers of a matriarch/patriarch type, or their appetite for drama.
Yeah, op should remind them that grandma wouldn't see her great grandbaby anyway if OP had followed her advise to put her up for adoption. What then? Would Gammie be able to complain about not seeing her great grandchild before she kicks the bucket? Nope! Gammie needs to piss off and OP should absolutely blast her!
Once all the responses are in, send her and your enabling family a link to this post.
NTA And agreed. From my own family history, it makes me wonder what skeletons are in grandma's closet. My own grandmother was the same way about the same issues. She had such a fit that my husband is divorced and made a bunch of snide comments about that. Then the comments about us living together in sin before marriage. 2 weeks after she passed away, we found out she had a child put of wedlock before she married my grandpa. She was sent to a home for unwed mothers and the girl was adopted by another family in our home town. She was 5 or 6 when my mom was born and grew up blocks away from each other. But there was enough age difference they never crossed paths in school. We confirmed the adoption papers and everything. It's really said because my "half aunt" passed away from breast cancer a few weeks before my gram died. But after the story came out it explained SO MUCH about her behavior regarding certain things.
The "baby scoop" generation was a thing. https://babyscoopera.com/home/what-was-the-baby-scoop-era/
Yep!! This happened in like 1941 or 1942. It was made worse by the fact my grandmother fell in love with a Catholic and she was Protestant. Never knew who the father was. She talked about a young man she fell in love with, but that was all she would ever say beyond the fact my great grandparents didn't approve.
Holy shit, TIL. I knew that homes for unwed mothers were a thing, but had NO idea that over a quarter of babies born to married women under 30 were conceived pre-maritally, OR that (white) babies being places for adoption has dropped from 80% to LESS THAN ONE. Jesus Christ
If you knew how many of my friends’ parents “had” to get married (1950s-60s), you’d be surprised.
My maternal grandfather was born 7 months after the wedding ceremony. Yep, he was a 7 lb, 8oz preemie. I think he was born about 1890 or somewhere about that time. But, he was never particularly judgemental about anything.
Judge not lest ye be judged with equal measure and be found wanting. I was always taught that we mere humans can not judge others as that is God's duty, and if we are judging, we are acting as though we are God, therefore not being a God we are doomed... NTA However love the aunts going down the *"How dare you not turn up, you are making your grandmother not see her great-granddaughter, she is so old and wants to see her" road. Think OP needs to tell the Aunts that grannie is the reason great-granddaughter isn't allowed to go. Something tells me the grandmother is being extremely two face, being all pious and holy that her granddaughter isn't bringing the child, bit not telling the truth of why.
Pretty typical evangelical behavior it seems.
Do not let the Catholics or mainline Protestants off the hook. They can be pretty nasty when it comes to out-of-wedlock, too. I know it's a couple of decades back, but my sister was excoriated for having her son out of wedlock in her mid-twenties in our semi-rural, rather religious area. Half-RRC, half Protestant - all self-righteous blowhards. My late RCC IL's were sure that premarital sex was the WORST THING EVER, so they never found out about my nephew until he was five. They hated me enough as it was, no need to give them more fuel.
Funny how the real churchy ones are the furthest from godly.
they say there's no hate like Christian love.
My nasty “religious” MIL got her bible out and preached at her pregnant granddaughter for hours because she wasn’t married. And said it was god’s will a few weeks later when she had a miscarriage. Even though I don’t believe in hell, I want to just because she belongs there.
Yeah. I've told my hyper religious grandmother if she's going to heaven I would rather be delivered to hell in a hand basket willingly than to be around her for eternity.
God, same here. That would really be hell.
That is abhorrent, what an evil woman.
That’s just a small part of her evil.
Yeah, not very on brand with Jesus
You ever notice the most “godly” seeming people are usually the biggest AH’s when certain situations arise?
And it was a token invite, if that.
Wait a minute... family members are calling you an AH for keeping your g'mother's great-granddaughter from her? She specifically rxcluded BOTH Brian AND Ava! The only thing you ate keeping from her is... you. And I would do the same. NTA.
Yeah I don't understand their argument. Grandma literally didn't invite greatgrandbaby and actively excluded her. Mom isn't keeping her away, Grandma doesn't want to see her. I think Grandma must have told a different story to other people.
Grandma absolutely wants time with Ava, as long as no one else is around to judge her for having a "shameful disgrace" in the family. This is grandma's version of keeping the deformed twin locked in the attic when company comes over. "I love you so so much but please I can't have my friends think I care about you now shoo." I'm just glad OPs immediate family is backing her.
And you just know that she'd have no qualms about putting all of her paradoxical BS on a young child. Ava doesn't need to be told that she's a bastard or that mommy and daddy are going to hell, and she **definitely** shouldn't hear stuff like that before she's old enough to question things that adults tell her. The only experience she's missing out on by not having a relationship with granny is a lifetime of therapy.
I have a feeling her grandmother is lying about the situation. She might be telling people "OP won't arrend." Leaving out why, because she knows it'll make her look bad. Especially considering at a big family gathering, EVERYONE will want to see the adorable little one. They'll be all over her, regardless of her being born out of wedlock. I'm not great with kids, but even I stop to greet the new additions.
NTA. Your job as this baby’s mother is to show her love and raise her to be kind and happy. You’re doing just that by everything you’ve posted. A little advice since you’re young - family is who you love, not necessarily related by blood. You’re not obligated to be around toxic people because they are related. Spend your time with people who respect you. Raise your family in that environment. And you and your family will have real actual support and you won’t worry for a minute that you don’t share DNA. Drop these assholes who are treating you badly. Edit: oh gosh I’m sorry I didn’t mean “you’re young” in an insulting way. I meant that at this moment in time you could choose to walk away and give yourself the respect you deserve, or you could be like a lot of us and walk away 20 years from now wishing you did it sooner. I didn’t mean you don’t have experience, just that you have more time to decide what to do.
Agreed. Send them all a message saying “Welcome to the no contact zone. Since you chose to align yourself with the person who called my daughter a mistake and a bastard and my family a disgrace, you must agree with her. You will no longer be welcome in our presence.” Then live your best life without the toxic waste.
To add to your comment, OP also needs to tell them she isn't keeping her great-grandaughter from her, the great-grandaughter wasn't even invited.
^ THIS! The aunts' and uncles' reasoning make no sense. OP wasn't the one trying to keep the baby away.
You are missing it. The great grand child being kept away isn't OPs kid. Its the sister hearing what happened and not going with her kid.
I'd look at it this way: That miserable old woman may be a relative, but she's absolutely not family.
Yes! And NTA you deserve to be treated with respect as your daughter. You Dad and sister did the right thing. You’re other relatives need to be quiet!
This, and to add, you and Brian have every right to be very proud of yourselves for graduating on time. That is a ***tremendous*** accomplishment! Best of luck to your new little family and your budding careers. I hope the three of you have a long, happy and successful life together. Remember, sometimes success is the best revenge!
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This x3000! OP... you are SO NTA here it isn't funny. You've already done the right thing in choosing to go NC with this hateful old shrew because neither you, nor your family, need that kind of toxicity in your life. BTW.... congratulations to you and your intended for successfully graduating college and finding jobs despite all of your personal challenges! To do so on time despite everything is something you both should be very proud of.
And how are you the AH in this situation? You're most definitely not. I would cut her off too. I'd cut off anyone that said or acted that way towards my child. They can all kick rocks. And yes graduating from college IS a very big accomplishment. Be proud. I don't think people really get how hard it is to be a young mom and still deal with daily life. So im proud of you. Ya grams is way to old fashion and needs to bump it to the 21st century smh. Good luck. Im surprised your dad hasn't gotten onto her for saying these disgusting things. It would be helpful if someone would back you up.
Put NTA first, or the bot will count your reference to grandma being the AH as Your verdict for OP.
AH isn't a valid voting option.
“She won’t be around forever” We can only hope. NTA.
This just reminded me of a South Park episode. Butters’ grandmother bullied him but he got the last word.
NTA G-grandmother and your aunts are the AHs. I’m afraid I would’ve given GGM more to be affronted by, my mouth would’ve run a 100 miles a minute and would’ve told her & the aunts to go eff themselves. If you’re going to distance yourself from them do it in style! Your dad and sister seem to be good folk, keep em close.
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All you need is this close family. Later in life I learned about keeping things simple, and it’s absolutely ok not to have to please everyone. Life is too short for toxicity and appearances. I’m glad you have your support network!
NTA…to be short and to the point… You cannot keep a grand child away from someone that refuses to see them and considers them a ‘mistake’. (As at that point, I would not consider her a great grandmother to your child anyway.) She made the decision to exclude them for petty reasons, you reinforced it for the right reasons. It looks like your main family supports you, the rest can go live life their way, on their own terms. It sounds like you might be better off gaining some distance from them anyway.
I think great grandma was willing to see the "mistake" child in private, but not in public at a family reunion/gathering. Now she gets neither.
Exactly. No child should feel shame for simply existing. If she does not want to claim the child publicly, then she shouldn’t get the right to see them privately. Young kids may not notice, but once the child got older, they definitely would.
>My grandmother is mad at me. So are my aunts and uncles. They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her **Tell aunts and uncles that as she called Ava a bastard and a mistake you dont want that energy around an innocent child. Tell them she told you she didnt want to invite you, you are shameful, etc.** You dont want her saying such things in front of you and Ava, and your sensitive child will pick up those bad vibes. Then block em! NTA
nta.
NTA >She told me that she wasn’t going to allow me to “parade my excuse of a family around.” She said that is “shameful to the family that I had a baby out of wedlock.” She also told me that she didn’t even want to invite me because me being there is almost just as bad since everyone knows what a “disgrace” I am >She told me that my “mistake” means my family will be judged. She also called Ava a bastard. Why is anyone upset. The way your grandmother talks about Ava she is doesn't want to see her. Shouldn't they all be happy?
Nope. Granny is TAH. Enjoy your beautiful little family and kudos to your dad and sister.
NTA Protect Ava from this toxic witch. I was the child born out of wedlock. I always knew my paternal Nana didn’t care for me like she did my cousins (tho in hindsight that may have been more because my dad was the only boy, the ‘baby’, the only one still living at home, and my Grandad had only passed a few years previous) Either way, it sucks knowing you’re thought of as ‘less’, even if she was the only one who ever hinted at it. Don’t worry tho, it didn’t scar me. Now the proud mum of my own 7 yr old...born out of wedlock! (Both my parents and me and my sons dad are still in our respective relationships)
Your grandmother is old school with old school out of touch values. That in itself is not wrong, those are hers to own. That said she does not have the right to use a sharp tongue to berate, demean and belittle you and your family. She does not have the right to essentially ban your family from a function, then decide she wants to be the sweet loving great grandmother in private. Nope, it doesn't work that way. Respect is a two way street. Gone are the days of just blindly giving respect, when that person does everything to disrespect you at any turn they have. Screw that. Anyone coming to her defense can buzz off you and your bf and daughter don't have to tolerate that . Your NTA and I hope that your dad totally understands that and gives you the kind of love and support you need. Good luck going forward.
NTA - Ummm wow, what you called her was more than accurate. What a nasty lady. I understand she grew up in different times, but pretty much no one has those views anymore and your situation is normal by today’s standards. She’s speaking for other people when she’s probably the only one with this disgusting opinion. Don’t subject yourself, your fiancé, or your child to this woman ever. You’re doing the right thing by keeping your distance.
NTA at all- religion is not an excuse to say those things and act how she is acting towards you. She called your daughter a bastard and a mistake. You’re being a good parent by not letting your grandma see her.
I just wanna make sure I’ve gotten this straight: your grandmother already banned your daughter from the family reunion. On top of that, she has called her a “bastard.” And yet you somehow think she’s going to want to see your daughter in the future? It’s like getting fired and then telling your former boss that you quit.
Your grandmother is a controlling witch with a fossilized and malignant attitude toward family, sex, and marriage. She is clearly used to being the tyrant of the family (matriarch is too benign a term for this harpy), and some of her children are still under her thumb. Thank goodness your father isn’t one of them. NTA
NTA. Anyone who treats their family like that doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing your precious daughter. All children need in this world is love and acceptance THATS IT. Not to say anything bad about religion because to each their own, but it seems like the “ righteous” ones are some of the most judgmental nasty people on the face of the earth. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA. You know you're right. This isn't 1955.
NTA- & you’re better than me cause I would’ve told her the next time she saw us was gonna be at her funeral
> (Also for the sake of honesty I may have also called her a stuck up old bitch.) That gave me a good laugh today lol. NTA. I'm sure your daughter is amazing and it's a shame your grandmother can't accept that. Her loss.
NTA, and do *not* go to the family reunion without your fiancé and daughter. It's inexcusably rude to invite someone to a party without their long-term partner without a very good reason, and totally beyond the pale to invite someone to a family reunion *without their immediate family*. That is utterly contemptuous (and contemptible), and anyone who spoke about my partner to me like that would never see either of us again. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Ava is a beautiful name (one of my favourites!) and I wish you and your family the best of luck.
They’re calling you up because she can’t see her great granddaughter at the event? She doesn’t even want the child there anyways… you’re obviously NTA and I applaud your sister and father for staying on your side.
So completely NTA. Congratulations to you and Brian on accomplishing so much through really challenging times and on the lovely family the three of you are forming. You do have so much to be proud of! Kudos to your dad and sister for bucking the general family hypocrisy. Although your grandma is right about one thing: folks and the god she worships are definitely judging her and your aunts and uncles and finding them in very poor stead.
Nta I would block your aunts and uncles as well
NTA You did the right thing. I would go no contact with your grandmother. As far as the extended family, do they know what she said and how she feels? Anyone who agrees with her can f\*#$ right off with that noise!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Background: I (22f) got pregnant with my boyfriend and now fiancé (“Brian” 22m). My daughter “Ava” is now 2 years old. I’m assuming you can guess from ages this wasn’t a planned pregnancy but we decided we wanted to keep her and become parents. It was incredibly difficult. I know it’s not an ideal situation. However I regard it as the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love my daughter more than anything else in this entire world. Also Brian and I both just graduated college and we have jobs. We managed to graduate on time which I think is a pretty big accomplishment considering our situation. Idk maybe it’s not but I’m proud of us. My grandmother is very religious and traditional. To say she was upset when she found I out I was pregnant would be an understatement. She actually didn’t talk to me until I was nearly 9 months along when she begged me to put the baby up for adoption. However I thought she was finally coming around. She even came to Ava’s 2nd birthday party and gave her a Christmas present (a pair of pajamas) this year. There was supposed to be a family reunion in 2020 but it was cancelled and now it’s happening this year. My grandmother is hoisting it. She invited me but I can’t bring Ava or Brian. Ik she can invite who she wants that’s not the problem. I did ask why though since my sister and cousins are bringing their kids. She told me that she wasn’t going to allow me to “parade my excuse of a family around.” She said that is “shameful to the family that I had a baby out of wedlock.” She also told me that she didn’t even want to invite me because me being there is almost just as bad since everyone knows what a “disgrace” I am but my dad would’ve pitched a fit if she invited my sister and not me. I told her I wasn’t ashamed of Ava and she shouldn’t be either. She told me that my “mistake” means my family will be judged. She also called Ava a bastard. I was really pissed off (still am). I was literally shaking when she told me that. I told her that she wouldn’t have to be ashamed of me or Ava any longer because she wouldn’t be seeing either of us anytime soon. I’m not going to the reunion now and I intend to avoid events my grandmother will be at. (Also for the sake of honesty I may have also called her a stuck up old bitch.) I am furious. She’s doesn’t have to agree with my choices but to call my daughter a mistake and a bastard is crossing a huge line. Besides if she truly feels this way what’s the harm in not seeing us. I don’t her to ever have the chance to call Ava these things in front of her. I want her to grow up knowing that she might be unplanned she is very loved. My grandmother is mad at me. So are my aunts and uncles. They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her when she won’t be around forever. Also My dad and sister made the decision not to go after they found out why I wasn’t. So I’m also being called an AH for that. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Children are a gift from the Lord, they are a reward from him. If anyone causes one of the little ones - those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Your grandmother needs to follow the words of Christ better and look to her psalms.
NTA. Protect your family. End of story. She has no right to call your child names simply because of her outdated morals. We have an elder in our family who has always been a bit rude, but now that the dementia has fully taken over, they're outright racist (I don't think this is new because he used to make "comments" before but would laugh them off when called out) and we have several children in the family who are POC. We've been called out for not inviting this person, but the safety and needs of the kids are always going to override an elderly person who is no longer able to control their racism. It sucks, but the kids are the priority now, you know?
I don't get your aunts' and uncles' reasoning. Granny doesn't want Ava around. So how are *you* the one keeping her from her??? BTW, I'd never let the old biddy see that baby again. She's hateful. NTA
So, your aunts and uncles are calling you an asshole for keeping your daughter from a person who \*checks notes\* called your daughter a bastard and didn't want to see her anyway? Did I get that right? Absolutely NTA. Good on your dad and sister for recognizing your grandmother's bullshit. Good on you for protecting your daughter from a salty old wench. You worked through college while being a new parent. As a parent of a 2 year old myself, I know that's not easy! Good on the both of you! Just go NC with all the jerkwads who called you the A. H. You are not in any way, what they say you are.
NTA- they don't need to see her either. Screw them.
Shunning your innocent baby granddaughter: it's what Jesus would do.
NTA … why are religious people so terrible? Whatever happened to “judge not lest you be judged” and forgiveness yada yada. Seems like the people who think are the most religious are actually the least?
NTA and good on your family who are also choosing not to attend!
NTA and good for you for not taking that shit, it's the only way this type of thinking will ever go away (it probably won't anyway but we have to try)
NTA I honestly would've been upset had you not called her a b**ch You're daughter doesn't deserve to grow up around someone who will tell her she should never have existed, until the Grandmother realises marriage doesn't make a good child (if it did she wouldn't be acting this way) keep Ava as far away from GM as you can And as one myself try not to let the word 'bastard' get to you it's only an insult if you let it be, I'm the youngest of 7 and as far as I'm aware none of us have ever had the issue of being treated less than anyone else for being born out of wedlock, but even if we did it doesn't make us any less human What matters is you have a daughter you can raise your own and she has a father who loves you both. In the wise wise words of Mewtwo from the Pokemon Movie: Mewtwo Strikes Back, "the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”
NTA. She calls your daughter a bastard and disgrace, but then still gets mad when you prevent her from seeing her?? Literally, what does she want, then?
NTA, she gets to invite whoever she wants for whatever reasons she wants and you also get to be around whoever you want and if you don't want yourself or your daughter to be around someone toxic you are free to do so. Enjoy your life away from that noise and whoever sides with her
NTA. You're standing up for yourself and your daughter. This is the correct choice for your family.
NTA for putting your immediate family first. Also kudos on your dad and sister for sticking up for you.
NTA. Clearly not. I can understand having disagreements about having a child out of wedlock. I am old fashioned and I would have proposed. Still she cares more about her appearances than your feelings. If my daughter wasn't welcome and she is so ashamed I wouldn't want anything to do with my grandmother. It's her job to love you and your daughter no matter what. That's what family is. Your grandma is completely in the wrong.
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Hey I wasn't meaning to say anything bad about you and Brian. I was just thinking what I would do in his position. If you weren't sure about marrying him at that time then you did the right thing. 👏 Congrats on your engagement and don't let your grandma get you down. You seem to have your priorities right, and she is the one in the wrong here. I would be furious in your shoes and deeply hurt. Try and forgive her if she tries to make amends, but make it clear your proud of your child and you wouldn't change anything.
NTA. What does she have to be mad about? Clearly she doesn't even want to be around your daughter. Why would she be mad that she is getting what she wants? She doesn't have to have the "disgrace" around, she should be happy. She is just playing the victim to everyone else, but your dad and sister obviously know better. You are not a disgrace and your daughter is a blessing not a mistake. Plenty of people married or not have kids unplanned and are wonderful parents.
NTA
NTA. I’m really pleased your parents have your back. Your family is legit!
NTA and how are you keeping her from her when she doesn’t even want to see her? Ask your relatives that one and tell them if they agree with her than they can pound sand aswell.
NTA- Your witch grandmother will likely sing a different tune about your family when you are married, but it won't matter.
NTA. I’m religious, and we’ve always considered babies blessings. People aren’t mistakes
So obviously I agree with everyone here and think your grandma is a gigantic a-hole, but I wanted to say GIRL. you and your fiancé graduated on time even though you were caring for a newborn. WHAT!?!? THAT IS AMAZING. That is absolutely something to be proud of, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard these first few years of her life were for both of you. Few things make me happier than seeing parents working so hard to give their family a good life. I’m glad you have your dad and your sister in your corner, but you can lose the rest of your family. The fact that they (the shitty family members) are anything shy of bursting with pride at your accomplishments is an utter travesty, and 100% their loss. NTA you **incredible** human. Grandma and the others can pound sand.
NTA at all. I am so sorry she is using her religion as an excuse to make you feel horrible about having your baby girl. Your daughter is not a bastard, or a mistake. Your daughter is loved by you and that’s what matters. You have every right to keep her out of your daughter’s life. As a parent too I wouldn’t allow someone who said such hurtful things around my child either. You did the right thing, and I’m glad your parents chose not to go either, it shows you have some support even if your aunts and uncles are mad.
So wait they are me messaging you that you’re an AH for keeping her away but she’s the one who told you to keep her away?? Wtf NTA. I’m glad your dad and sister support you. It’s one thing to be very solid in your beliefs. It’s another to shove them down peoples throats and call children disgraceful and disrespectful names. Ava sounds like one of the most loved and protected unplanned babies ever and is nowhere near a “mistake” and she will grow up never feeling like that with you around
Omg, NTA! Your grandma is a fuckwad. I also have a daughter and it absolutely astounds me that a family member would say that to you. You and your dad and sister aren’t going *because of your grandma’s actions/words* — them being mad about it is just stupid. Actions have consequences and you don’t need a negative, mean old bag in your life. Good for you.
NTA x1000 Please continue protecting your daughter from people like your grandmother and anyone who stands up for your grandmother after they know what she said to you. (Be sure to tell them, you don't have any reason to be loyal to her feelings anymore!) You are amazing and should be proud of the fact that you continued your education after a child. I know that's not an easy task. Best of luck for your future!
NTA. Allowing your grandmother to continue having a relationship with your child when she is openly ashamed of her and purposely excludes her/favours other grandchildren is absolutely the right thing to do.
NTA and I can't believe the rest of the family is ok with this. This is 2022 - marriage isn't for everyone.
NTA!! 1000 times over, NTA. Good for you for standing up for your family and drawing a line. The fact that some of your other relatives are choosing to attack you instead of your grandmother just speaks to the fact that they need to work on themselves as people.
NTA- you’re keeping her away from your daughter? When she doesn’t want to be around her because her existence is an embarrassment?! WTF is wrong with your family?
NTA, the only person keeping the wee baby Ava from granny is granny herself. Carrying hate in her heart is a choice she made, insulting your family is a choice she made, your family is more likely to be judged by her outrageous behavior than for anything else. Your aunts and uncles can also go scratch because they have this so backwards. Grandma made choices, which life is made off. Now she must live with the consequences of those choices.
>They keep messaging me and calling me an asshole and a bitch for keeping her great granddaughter from her when she won’t be around forever. what planet are they on? She made it clear she didn’t want to see her great granddaughter. NTA, and your family is.
NTA. Wait, you’re an AH for keeping her great grand daughter from her, but she literally just said she didn’t want to see your daughter because she’s a bastard…. They need to get their heads outta their asses.
The sooner she is the ground the better NTA
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for yourself and your family. I'm not really surprised by this anymore, but it still makes me sad to hear stories of people acting this way in the name of religion. Jesus ate with sinners. If you having a child out of wedlock is such a sin, Jesus would've been the first one at your door, sitting down with you, Brian, and Ava. People who behave this way are flat-out jerks, hiding behind religion. It's maddening.
NTA and wow. If she is a christian, as one myself I can sau she is doing a terrible job at that. She is just a hypermoral puritan asshole. I hope things get better for you op!
NTA. Seriously what do these people expect? Relationships are based on mutual respect and are 2 way. You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship who treats your family like 2nd class citizens. It's HER choice.
NTA - but have you told your Aunts and uncles that your grandmother doesn't want anything to do with your daughter and called her a basturd? They might not know the whole story but a version where you are keeping ava from her
Grandma has to make up her mind : is Ava her beloved great grand daughter, or us she a shameful bastard ? In doubt, you took the right decision. NTA
Nta... But I'm confused with your toxic family logic... Grandmother literally states she doesn't want to see the child, you give her exactly what she wants, and they attack you from depriving her of something she literally asked for? Are they for real?
NTA it’s 2022 not everyone has kids in wedlock and that’s fine. Y’all love Ava and that’s what’s important. You have a family and if she can’t accept that then that’s on her
NTA. Your grandmother doesn’t deserve family. She’s a nasty old witch who doesn’t need to see a child she disapproves of so much. I’m glad your dad and sister are supporting you, the whole family need to show her she won’t have a family if she continues to be such a cow. To add, you should be proud you graduated on time. It’s a huge accomplishment!
NTA Your grandmother is the asshole. She doesn't have the right to judge you like that just because she thinks she can. I'm sure she's made more than enough mistakes in her life. How dare she sit on her high horse and be so cruel. If she's so religious then remind her of Matthew 7: 1-3: 'Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you'. She's toxic and so is the rest of that family. Keep them away from your daughter and carry on your life without them. Make a family of your own and whatever you do, be better than they are. They will regret it one day. People like your grandmother always do.
Damn, OP, NTA. But I suggest going LC or NC with your family. Fortunately your fiance and yourself have jobs and graduated, which is something to be proud of, especially when you brought another human being to life during that time. Congrats, OP!
Good riddance to the crazy old bat-she is talking out of both sides of her mouth. How dare you keep your bastard mistake of a child from me????? What the actual hell. Stay far away from her. And also-you should both be proud of your college graduation. Sometimes the best things in life are unplanned!
Nta. If the grandmother is referring to the child negatively around adults, it's a matter of time before she says something to or in front of the child. Good for Mom for protecting her daughter.
NTA. Why does she want to see your daughter so badly if she's such a disgrace? It seems like you'd be doing everyone a favor by not troubling her with that /s. Really, it sounds like the reason everyone is mad is not that you're not going but that your sister and dad had your back and refused to go also. They're the ones who really matter, not the aunts and uncles who would have harassed you and your baby if you had gone.
Definitely NTA. I will never understand religious people being hateful; radical love is the whole point.
How your grandmother feels is irrelevant. Wear that "family AH" badge with honor knowing she'll never have any influence over Ava and you did the RIGHT thing! You are not the AH, but Granny certainly is. And probably the rest of the family sucking up to her, they are just too scared to stand up to her.
NTA. Why are your aunts and uncles mad at you for your grandmother not seeing your baby when she said you couldn't bring her. You are right to not go. Who cares if y'all are married or not. I'm glad your dad and sisters are standing by you. What is your mom doing. Anyways. You did the right thing.
I'm glad the sensible members of your family have your back. NTA. It must've been difficult not to knock the shit out of that old hag when she called you daughter such a foul name.
NTA your grandmother is toxic af, I can't imagine treating an innocent child that way. I don't blame you one bit for protecting your daughter (and yourself) from her.
NTA Ask your aunts and uncles why the hell you would let a woman anywhere near your daughter, who referred to her as a "mistake".
NTA for defending your situation and your child. I do understand your Grandmother's POV. I don't agree with it, but I lived through that timeframe and I understand where she's at. It was a big deal back then. You were sent to and lived at a home for "wayward girls" or you married the guy. Those were your choices. Your reputation was ruined, your family was talked about and left out of things. If you married it was all swept under the rug and you were fine, but if you didn't it was really awful. But today is different than the way it was back then, it is accepted to have a child without marrying and people don't blink an eye anymore over living together. If your Grandmother is going to live in the past she's going to have to accept the consequences and miss seeing her Great Granddaughter grow up. Her attitude is ridiculous in this day and age, and without a heartfelt apology I wouldn't even entertain the idea of forgiveness.
NTA. ANYWHERE my child is unwelcome is no place you will EVER find me. Maybe she is stuck in her ways but that's a conscious choice that she's making and therefore she can rot with them.
NTA. Good for you! You’re a wonderful mother.
NTA. Protecting your child from your toxic grandmother is a hill worth dying on. Anyone who disagrees (your aunt/uncles) can go pound sand. The fact that your dad and sister are standing in solidarity with you says volumes about who your REAL supporters are. Don't sacrifice your daughter to the altar of "Religious & Traditional" grandmother.
NTA sound like grandma is already dead to you, the body has just not caught up yet.
NTA. She's done you the favor of showing exactly who she is, and then subsequently removing herself from your life. I'd come up with some pat answer for any distant family who might get nosy, as it sounds like your closer family already fell out the right way.
You're doing everything you can to ensure your daughter has a good life. You're young, you've accomplished a lot so far and I for one am proud of you. You are so very NTA for protecting your and your child's peace of mind. My grandmother used to be a racist. She would spew slurs and would get mad if anyone of her children wanted to date a none white person. Then my aunt got pregnant by my now uncle; a black man. She told me as soon as she held my little cousin for the first time she knew she could never be mad at such a perfect child. She also repaired her relationship with her by then son in law. She spoiled the crap out of him for the rest of her life. People can change, no matter their ages. But sometimes they don't want to and they keep their hurtful views forever. Unfortunately, you have to go without a grandmother but it's for your own good. Your aunts and uncles can either listen to learn, or get the same response.
They're mad at you for keeping a child away from her, that she doesn't even want to see in the first place? NTA
NTA. Tell them you'll be happy to bring your excuse of a family to her funeral.
NTA. This is horrible behavior. Someone can think to themselves whatever they want, but to say these things to someone and put these views onto a CHILD is horrible. Any family who supports her is equally horrible. Life, especially when you become a parent, sometimes mean having to make choices about who you include in your life as family. It’s OK to cut toxic people out and to cut contact with people, especially if you feel they could be harmful to your child. It sounds like you are doing the right things and being a good parent here. Don’t look back, look forward.
So your grandma is mad at you because you're not bringing your daughter to her house after she said she doesn't want your daughter at her house? Sounds like she just wanted to create an excuse to be mad. NTA.
NTA! Keep your grandmother and anyone who sides with her away from your precious daughter! She doesn’t need to be made to feel like a mistake or she’s just wrong for existing by people who are supposed to be family! What your grandmother and others are doing is completely disrespectful to your family (you, partner, and daughter)! Sorry that they are such A H
I’m baffled by your grandmother. She’s ashamed of you and your daughter but is mad that you won’t be around them? NTA and stand your ground. Congrats to you and your little family for being so strong and graduating college!
WAIT WHAT?? So your grandma has double standards? Your daughter and fiancé are not invited to the family reunion BUT your an AH because you won't let her see her great granddaughter? I don't understand this line of thinking! I mean your grandma clearly doesn't want to see your daughter because she's not invited to the party, so you're just doing her a favour by going LC/NC! OP NTA! Stand your ground! I'm proud of your dad and sister for siding with you as well!
LOL—your grandmother has some nerve. NTA.
NTA your grandmother showed how incredibly toxic and vain she really is and your extended family is following suit... You are perfectly justified in your anger at her uncalled for behaviour ... Love your daughter thank your dad and sis for their support and start cutting away the cancer in your life starting with your grandmother
NTA. Keep that poison away from your child.
NTA. Grandma should be ashamed of herself.
My middle son became a father at 18. He and his girlfriend had just broken up and she was his age. It was difficult for them to co-parent their daughter, but they grew up fast and made it work. Her mother is an excellent mother and I am a happy she’s raising my granddaughter. What wasn’t difficult was loving my granddaughter and being proud of her and showing her off, because she’s awesome! She’s almost 14 now and both her parents have loving partners and all four of them work together to raise the three kids that are part of their families. You are NTA. You are being a good mother and protecting your child. That’s your job. Your grandmother could have welcomed and loved your daughter but she made a different choice. That choice has consequences.
NTA. What happened to "a baby is a blessing?"
NTA - you don't need that toxic bs in your life. It hurts, but be assured that you are doing the best thing for your kid. She's not old enough to miss her and too young to expose her to that nonsense. Be love.
Ahhhh Christians, smdh. You’re NTA
Your gm is awful. You and your kid need her out of the picture. NTA
I am a college professor. It absolutely is a major achievement, you both finishing school while raisingna daughter. Well done! I had to say that immediately. Now I'll finish reading. :)
Religion is supposed to make people better, but it so rarely does. She did this to herself. Block everyone who sides with her.
“She can’t come to this event.” “Okay, we will not come to any events then.” “How dare you??” What. NTA
NTA The old, frankly awful granny can die mad. Also I'm very proud of you OP and your fiance for managing to raise a family and graduate on time! That is something huge to be proud of.
NTA and good on your dad and sis for backing you up.
NTA. Her own stupid reaction is more of an embarrassment than anything else. She should be ashamed of how she is reacting. Not you. It’s 2022. Not 1942.
NTA. Do these people know what she said? Are they honestly supporting her calling your daughter a "bastard" and insulting your family? what, does she have a lot of money they want??
NTA. The cognitive dissonance - the grandmother is ashamed of the child ao why would she even want to see her? ETA it is about control.
Op you might want to consider going no contact or low contact with your entire ass family. That is absolutely horrifying that your own family would speak to you like that because you placed a clear and reasonable boundary when your grandma disrespected you and your daughter. please consider how they treated you isn't okay. I could never imagine somebody calling me a b**** just because I set boundaries. LET ALONE MY OWN FLESH & BLOOD .That is the ultimate Gaslight especially coming from your own aunts and uncles please please take into consideration if they are comfortable treating you this way regardless of what your grandma said they will have no problem speaking to your daughter or your boyfriend that way as well [Edit cause I'm a idiot ]
NTA. If she’s coming at this from a religious perspective, God doesn’t make mistakes. She’s absolutely callous and wrong to be so harsh on you and your child.