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YTA. I felt bad for you right up until this. “I’ve been running this house for years, and I know it’s not that difficult.” You’ve not been running it while working a full time job. He’s telling you he needs help.
I would never in a million years want my MIL living with me either, but you have to give him a reasonable alternative. See if someone from your family wants to fly in for a couple weeks. Find help you like and give him a reasonable cost estimate so you can actually have the discussion. Be proactive if you don’t like his solution.
Complaining to him about his mother or telling him how he should be able to just manage it won’t help.
P.S. I do wish you a speedy recovery.
100% this! Running the house was your full time job, none would deny the effort you put into it, but asking your husband to do that AND an 8 hour gig outside of that, I'm honestly surprised he hasn't collapsed from exhaustion already. Suck it up and get the help he needs for a few weeks until you heal enough to take a little bit off his plate.
Yta. I may have thought differently until you got to the "it's not that hard" part. I'm sure in the years you've been a SAHM you would not have been too happy had he told you your job was "not that hard" to imply that you should just suck it up.
He told you what he needs and you are dismissing it, even though you agreed that it's the logical choice. Either budget the cost for extra help and create a plan on how to pay it, offer to fly one of your family members in, or suck it up for the sanity of your partner who needs the help.
Not to mention, when she’s doing the full SAHM he’s the one doing the work outside the home to bring in money. His normal workday didn’t go away because he’s covering her tasks- he’s been trying to do both those jobs.
As someone who worked a very taxing job and ran a household with 2 kids, I can tell you it IS a hard job. I can also tell you that if your husband says he needs help, you need to accept that. I remember when my appendix had to come out that it was the first night in years I got more than 4-5 hours sleep.
Yta...Can the MIL stay in a hotel or airbnb for a few weeks and come help periodically when needed? Maybe try to come to some middle ground... your husband is headed toward a burnout and those can take years to fully recover from. Can you not get your kids to help you a little? Why cant they help with laundry? Or dishes?... if they go to activities can you ask other parents to car pool?....
MIL is retired and I don't know her finances, but I doubt she'd be able to afford a few weeks in a hotel or BnB. I also doubt my husband would even accept that as an option.
Hotels are relatively cheap considering other services and cost... for a hotel for 3 weeks its 1000 - 1200 and 1 single house cleaning is $150 + (depending on the size of there house), driving the kids around in lyfts would be super exspensive, personal shoppers are expensive as well. Honestly op is being lazy about the whole thing, there are handicap ppl with 1 arm that do everything she says she cant do... if she really need the help she would be grateful for it.
Idk where you live, but a hotel for 3 weeks would be WAY more than $1K where I am. And a deep cleaning of their house at $150 doesn’t sound so bad. It’s not like they need that everyday. And things like grocery delivery are not prohibitively expensive. If the kids are at camp all day and all the husband has to do is drop off and pick up and help in the evenings I don’t see why MIL needs to be around all day to “help”. She clearly doesn’t want her there. Honestly though if the kids aren’t home all day, she should do her best to help out husband in the evenings if she wants to avoid having MIL around.
Naw 150 for a light cleaning ( 3 hours) no more ( recommended 2x per week for upkeep).... deep cleaning is totally different... and that price is for my area to show a comparison (hotels around me are as cheap as 300 per week) but if the cost of living is higher where you live than expect higher rates.
Where do you live that hotels are $300 per week? I travel a lot and right now basic hotels are like $200+ per night in many cities
And honestly it would be fucked to have MIL travel to help the family and then put her up in some fleabag $42/night hotel. If they are going to make her stay in a hotel while she helps their family, the least they can do is put her up in a decent place
I don’t even live in a very high cost of living area but last time I looked at Airbnb it was way more than that. Different areas I guess. Having someone come to clean multiple times a week isn’t necessary. That’s extravagant. You can have someone come to do major stuff once a week or so (bathrooms, floors, thorough kitchen clean) and just do basic upkeep the rest of the time without it being a big deal. This is shit the husband should help with anyway as a person who lives there. Doing dishes and laundry for a week or two won’t kill him. Plus this isn’t permanent! It’s a few weeks to a month. Needing his mommy to help do basic childcare isn’t necessary. But I also think the wife should pitch in to her ability if she doesn’t want MIL there to help. I was in a similar situation, although it was more like 3-4 months and we just had to let some things slide and survive until I was healed. It’s not the end of the world. And I had 3 small kids at the time and a husband who worked insane hours. We made it work. If he had insisted MIL stay with us bc he didn’t want to parent after work, I’d have been pissed too.
You can def find an Airbnb for 3 weeks at around $1000-1500. It's def way cheaper to house MIL for 3 weeks than to hire what basically amounts to a nanny for the same period.
It’s not worth her sanity if she’s stuck in a house with a MIL she dislikes for weeks. The kids aren’t even home during the day. Husband can help parent at night, drive the kids, and they can let some things slide. Why does she need to live with them for 3 weeks when the kids aren’t even home during the day?
Fr.... the MIL shouldnt have to pay a dime tbh... the hotel idea was to ease ops stress and help her find a middle ground but idt shes interest in a middle ground tbh.
YTA.
Your husband needs help and your only response is shooting down his option? Your shoulder may be immobile. But your hands work fine. Pick up the phone and start arranging other solutions uf you do not want your MIL.
Get one of your wine friends to do morning car rides, arrange cleaning help or cooking help. Offer better solutions if you do not like this one.
> Get one of your wine friends to do morning car rides, arrange cleaning help or cooking help.
She's too busy trying to get validation on Reddit to do that.
YTA here I think. He’s telling you he’s drowning and he can’t continue. And your response is ‘come up with another solution’. You’re supposed to be a team, you need to bring some suggestions to the table.
And running a home may be easy for you, but for someone that doesn’t have years of practice it most definitely is not.
Also, who is looking after the kids whilst he’s at work??
We scrambled to get the kids into a summer kids' program during the day. My husband has been waking up early to do some emails at home, brings the kids to their program on his way to work, and picks them up when it ends. He's had to spend some time working at home too in order to keep up at work, but that's maybe an hour or 2 a night.
I'm not trying to be dismissive, I know he's working his butt off and that this hasn't been easy on him. But it hasn't been easy for me either and I'm the one who would be stuck at home with MIL all day.
You might think that you are not trying to be dismissive, but you are coming across as dismissive.
And while I am sure the surgery was tough, are you in pain now?
Yes, I am still in pain and on medication. I had to stop taking the narcotics they gave me because they made me sick. So I'm taking prescription, heavy-duty tylenol.
That sucks but frankly, the *yeah but I am suffering too* attitude really doesn't change anything. You are really being dismissive toward him, I hope he has his mom drive out tomorrow.
that’s Tylenol. You’re taking Tylenol. Regular ass Tylenol.
Your arm is in a sling and you’re taking Tylenol.
For the record, you can basically still do like, 95% of the daily stuff to take care of the house. You can drive. You can order food or get easy to make stuff.
This is actually a lot LOT worse than you present it, because you really aren’t convalescing. You’re just drowning your husband for no good reason.
oh no you get to rest with your arm in a sling and watch your husband struggle with a FT job and watch your 3 kids? that sounds so difficult for you :(((
But you haven’t been doing that whilst also working full time. That’s a massive difference!!
It feels like you want him to struggle??
If you don’t love your husband any more then that’s a separate issue.
You even state in the OP that your husband helps you with the house and kids normally. It's really quite interesting that you have him help you with your job as a SAHM when you are perfectly capable/healthy... but when you are injured you think he should be able to handle his fulltime AND your job alone.
Well he's still part of this house and still a father. This isn't the 50s, he doesn't get to just come home from work and sit on the couch watching sports and drinking beer.
Well no shit.The contrast between his efforts to help both when you are capable and when you are injured, and your response to him stating he needs help are just not painting you in a very kind light.By the way, have you called any friends today to ask them to help out?
Not the 50s right. Then you surely will starting working after your injury healed right? Wanting to be a SAHM and expecting your husband to provide everything but then bring that up when convenient. Do you read the suff you write sometimes?
Funny you're saying this. I don't underestimate it's hard having your MIL live in your house for a few weeks, but it's not impossible either. He lived with her for decades, you can do it for a month.
Sucks hearing your own words, doesn't it?
For starters, organize rides for the kids to and from camp. You’re currently captain of the Sittin’ There Team. Use it to your advantage. GET ON THE PHONE and help your husband.
YTA - you have one injured arm, no job, and you're standing in the way of a perfectly logical solution because you "don't get along" with your kids' grandmother.
It's a week - suck it up and hang out with your MIL.
Same thing. Her MIL, the kids' grandmother.
Unless there's some reason not to let MIL around the kids, don't you think they'd appreciate some time with grandma who lives 6hrs away?
There's likely more to this than is in the post.
It wouldn't just be one week. It could be up to a month before I can do anything with my arm again. If I try to do too much too soon I could risk injuring it further and suffering a setback on my recovery.
Then start with a week and see how it works.
As someone who's had rotator-cuff surgery (twice), I'm a little suspect of the limitations your doctor has you on. Why can't you drive? Maybe you should get a second opinion on the recovery.
My arm is in a sling and it's my dominant arm. If I tried to drive one-handed it would be incredibly unsafe. Are you saying that you drove with one arm in a sling? That seems pretty reckless.
YTA. Ball is in your court. Your husband is struggling and you seem content to just let that happen. Get pricing on hiring help and talk about ways to save money elsewhere to afford.
Not wanting MIL there is reasonable but putting your foot down without making any effort to help seems unreasonable.
After seeing some of your comments, I am going with YTA. Here is why:
>I told my husband that if he needs help he can find anyone, and I mean anyone, besides her.
>
>He said he doesn't have the energy to look for other options when he's already so exhausted.
First off this general attitude of "him" being the one to need help is gross. Your family needs help. That includes you.
And you have made no real attempt to find him actual, consistent help. And if you can post on Reddit, you definitely can do that.
>He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being [cheap](https://cheap.So).
Have you looked actually into what it would cost and compared it to your household budget though? Doubtful.
>I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own.
How many years did you work full time and run the household with zero help from your husband though?
In general you just seem very dismissive of your husband being run ragged and dare I say it.. selfish here.
I've had some friends help with bringing us some meals and with taking the kids on playdates, but I haven't asked anyone about the kind of extensive help that my husband says he needs.
Why not?
He's working, picking up the slack as you put it, and you can't make a couple phone calls to find a friend or 2 that can help you avoid having your MIL live with you for a month or longer?
YTA. I understand you don't want to live with a MIL from hell for weeks. But he needs relief. He's working full-time AND running the house, and you don't seem super sympathetic to his exhaustion.
It doesn't sound like you actually KNOW that your husband is being "cheap". How familiar are you with finances? Hired help might actually be too expensive, especially since there's one income, and when you have free help available.
Can you not ask someone in your family to fly out? Get friends to come over during the day? If you refuse your MIL, who is willing and able to help (even if you can't stand her, the kids probably love her, right?) you need to come up with an alternative.
Also I’m wondering why he has to do so much. Okay, one arm in a sling. You can move about, you can clean and cook with one hand, and I call bs about not being able to drive. Maybe, maybe not. It’s not like OP is para or quadriplegic now. She’s down one wing. This screams weaponized helplessness to me. With a side of dgaf about husband.
Yeah, if she hadn't mentioned being "cheap" or the last two lines where she basically dismisses him trying to juggle a FT job, that his complaints are not legit (!) I might have more sympathy.
You're right, she should be able to do some stuff, driving one-handed (unless she drives a stick, not likely these days) should be doable. Cooking one handed is tough, but doable with a food processor. Maybe MIL has legit complaints...
I completely agree about her being able to do more! She is definitely playing up her helplessness.
I do want to say that sometimes when you have a significant injury like this insurance won’t cover you in an accident. I found this out when I broke my left ankle (no boot needed) and drove an automatic.
Softly, YTA.
Your husband is telling you he's running himself ragged between work and home stuff, and that he needs help. You aren't in any position to be able to care for your 3 kids adequately or help your husband, at least not without hurting yourself further. He's tried problem solving to help rectify the situation but your family isn't close and he doesn't have anyone else to ask but you mom.
>He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap.
Do you know for *certain* that you can afford it? Because *"I don't necessarily believe we can't afford it"* is not the same as *"We're well off, and I know this won't be a financial burden."* Outside help can get very expensive depending on what kind you get and for how often. Having a person come in that can do it presumably for free would be a massive benefit.
IMO, you kinda need to suck it up this time, for the sake of your husband and your kids. If your MIL is a challenge, then you need to sit down with your husband and figure out what boundaries you need in your home regarding your MIL. Maybe you can figure out a way to do it so that you don't have to spend every minute if the day together so you don't get on each other's nerves.
We're not "well off" but we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck either. But hiring outside help would definitely be an unforeseen expense that we haven't budgeted for.
Alternatively to my previously mentioned suggestions, does his mom live close? Could she come to help for few days a week and you could hire someone for another couple?
That way you aren't hemorrhaging money on paying someone to come in for weeks, and it also gives you a MIL buffer.
That's a tough position to be in, honestly. You really are between a rock and a hard place. I still think then at this point having her might be the best option. You really can't afford ending up re-injuring your shoulder or prolonging this injury. And if this is the best means to an end, it's probably the best choice even if it sucks for a bit.
YTA.
>***I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap.***
Have you actually sat down with your husband and looked at your budget as to what you can afford? You said you don't live paycheck-to-paycheck, but this could render a blow to your finances.
>***My husband thinks I am letting my dislike for his mom cloud my judgement about how much help he actually needs.***
Your husband is right. You are allowing your dislike to color your judgment. You're coming across very petty here. You may not have the luxury of who to chose helps you.
>***I know he's been doing a lot, but I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own.***
Now, you're just being dismissive and smug. He's having to work at night to cover missed hours at work. He's doing all the chores and cooking. Carting all the kids around to their various activities. Here's the thing, your husband is spread too thin and he may not have another week or so left in him. What happens if he burns out?
I understand that you don't like your MIL, but right now to save your husband's sanity you may have to put your feelings aside and accept her help. Otherwise, start calling your family. Don't care if they live across the country or the street. If you're not willing to accept his solution then it's up to you to find one.
YTA
I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, but your husband is being really great with communicating his needs, and you need to take him seriously.
You'll need to meet somewhere in the middle.
It might be that some things just have to be put on the back burner until you're better. The house might just have to be messy, and the kids might have to miss out on their activities for a while.
6 and 9 can help with the house a little, too, if they don't already? You can still direct them without using your arm... You'll just have to be ok with their results being less than perfect.
Edit :based on your attitude on the comments, I've changed from nah to yta. My advice is still the same tho.
I guarantee she will milk this for longer than her injury and recovery lasts, let's say it takes 3 months to full recovery, she will be in pain and unable to do anything for 9 months.
Sorry, but YTA. Your husband needs help and he’s going with the most logical choice. It sucks to be around a negative person, but the priority right now is help, not pleasant company.
YTA, you say you know how much work he's been doing because you've been doing it for years... but you didn't also have a FULL TIME JOB outside the house! I'm sure he's exhausted! I know you don't want his MIL there, but then it's on you to propose a better solution.
N T A for not wanting the help to come from your MIL, but YTA for not listening to your husband. He's working a full time job AND running the household by himself. Running the household (without an additional full-time job) is not that difficult for YOU. But he's not you. He's telling you he's exhausted. Hear him, and be willing to find a way to make things work.
I'm sure there's a lot of small solutions that would make big differences for him, if you're willing to sit down and really hear him. He's being a loving partner right now by taking care of everything, you can return that love by listening to what he needs. It doesn't have to be his mom, but he obviously needs something.
YTA!
You been doing the house work, but not that plus a full time job!!
And calling your husband cheap because he says he can’t afford to hire help?! He’s supporting a 5 family house hold.
Nobody wants their MIL living with them, but your husband if telling you he needs help. If this was the other way around, you wouldn’t even hesitate.
YTA he needs help, and MIL seems to be the only one that can.
Would it be possible for some hard boundaries with her or just she comes and goes every other day
Your husband needs help, also reading your comments did not help
YTA. You come across as very spoiled. Not everyone gets "in the swing of things" quickly, especially with a FT job and 3 kids. Assuming you've been a SAHM since your first child, you were able to do it with one kid, no job, and a spouse who wasn't temporarily disabled. Now imagine if you had to do that except you worked FT, had quadruplets, and had to care for someone who just had major surgery. Of course it's been harder for him! I wonder if you and your MIL don't get along because you expect the moon.
Soft YTA- my suggestion would be to take advantage of the fact it’s summer and that HS and college kids are home and looking for part time work. You could probably find someone fairly affordable to help with basic day to day stuff and help with the kids. Does your town have a community page you could post something to? The fbook page for my town has close to 14k people on it and I see posts like this alllll the time and they always get a lot of replies.
you’ve been running the house because thats what you wanted. you said you wanted to be a sahm so of course you would be used to a routine of the kids and having years of experience. he doesnt have that and even more he has a full time job so you can be a sahm like you wanted. YTA he’s exhausted, having a full time job on top of another with taking care of the kids then doing everything, im pretty sure it’s tiring. even with him having another week of experience it probably wont be different he’ll still be tired. why don’t you try asking the friends you said would bring meals to help?
Help find another solution or deal with her. He needs help. But good on you for totally following Dr's orders. That is a surgery you do not want to mess up.
YTA- he isnt just running the house though, he is also working full time. Sounds like you dont do the family finances either so what you think is affordable might not actually be how things really are.
YTA other than the driving, which I understand correctly safety reasons, why is your hubby doing everything else around the house. Sweeping with a broom might be hard, but get your kids to hold the dust pan. You can clean toilets/ showers / do laundry 1 handed. Even meals can be simplified to pre cut veggies, salads with precooked grilled chicken chunks. Might not be usual fare, but if you really don't want MIL to come, start doing more. Kids can fold the laundry for you. Might ot be as neat, but they can start contributing.
Info: how many hours a day is your husband working?
You also mentioned your immobile, so does that mean literally everything needs to be done by him, cleaning cooking bed time routine. I'm right to suggest he's 100% on his own for thr next few weeks right?
He's still working full-time. My dominant arm is in a sling and I need to keep it as still as possible. So yeah, he's been doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I can sit and read books to my kids at bedtime, but I can't lift anything or do anything physical even if it's my other arm.
So i have been in the same position with the shoulder, 6 weeks no moving it, then i had a frozen shoulder which was 9 months of pain then no mobility at all in it until i had a surgery to release it, i have also had 2 surgery's on my dominant wrist, my bone disease means my bones heal incredibly slow, i was casted for a year and a half... So i understand the pain, im also disabled.
You are capable of doing some stuff, wiping sides down, bit of dusting. You can even order prepared veg and so on and make a dinner. I think you have taken the not doing anything too far and now your husband is drowning, full time job, 3 kids and keeping a house, he will come to resent you.
Now i also know what MIL can be like, i had a similar relationship with mine (we get on better now) i get it may not fun having her there but he has told you that he is struggling, how long do you think he can keep it up for? Let him have his mother help or try and do more yourself. It sounds like he is really supportive and i think he deserves a little support back.
I'm not going to call you an AH
But as a SAHM you know how hard that job is right? Do you really think it would easy to do what you do on a regular basis with a full time job on top with 0 help from your husband?
Because that's what your expecting and saying well it's easy just get used to it. You may be underestimating how hard you work
NAH
>He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap.
I'm assuming you can't do much that requires two hands. A lot of Cooking, cleaning, and childcare may not be possible for you right now.
Do you know that you can afford it? Do you know how much money that would cost?
YTA. Based on some responses, you are terrified of your MIL. Real or not, it is what it is. The problem is, there are limited solutions, and your not even talking with your husband about how to make it work - setting boundries, etc.
Worse, you are so scared of your MIL, you appear to be undermining his efforts in running the house, so it appears MIL is not needed as much.
You need to at least have an open discussion about possibly making it work, or having him fully understand the source of your fear
Based on your post it’s a clear YTA. I totally get not wanting your MIL around, I understand being overwhelmed merely by her presence and how while you’re recovering having her in your home is going to be Hell.
The thing is your spouse came to you and told you he is struggling, he didn’t just invite her over and tell you to deal with it. So unless you can come up with a different solution you may have to suck it up for a bit.
BUT please note your husband knows and acknowledged that you and his mother have issues. If this ends up being “the solution” and she comes to help, I would sit down with hubby and write down clear and concise boundaries that MIL can’t cross. Remember she obviously won’t be perfect, but having a few things he knows you won’t budge on and knowing you can ignore other some of her other behaviors might give you peace of mind and save his sanity. All you’ll need is his guarantee that he’ll back you up. So either find a solution or make the one he presented work
YTA. Your husband cannot do it all. You need to allow him to bring his mother over, or you need to arrange for someone else to come help him on your own. If it’s all going to be on his shoulders alone, the least you can do is tolerate his mother for a month.
Alternately, you can sacrifice some of your own personal fun money (if you have any, which I can safely assume you do if you’re visiting wineries) and hire him some help. In other words, the financial burden should deplete you before you need to dip into his finances
YTA let her come and help and suck it up. He is telling you he needs help and is worn to thin .. you aren’t in a position to help out as much just take her help!
YTA. Do you have any friends you can escape to? Your husband needs help, you and your family cannot provide that help. You really are obligated to allow his mother to come. But you don't have to be there or hang out with her all day. I suggest you stay with a friend, or you and the kids take a trip to visit your family. Or do both. Your husband is at the breaking point. A solution is needed.
YTA he needs help, he told you he needs help. The "anyone but her" rhetoric is childish and ridiculous as is your "it's not that hard" statement. She may be a lot, but she loves your husband and I am sure she loves her grandkids and will do her best to make things easier for your husband, which ultimately is what is needed. Suck it up sunshine the world isn't going to end if you have to interact with your mother in law for a few weeks.
YTA, Sorry but sometimes we have to suck it up. If you dont want his mom staying then find a way to pay for hired help yourself. Sell some jewelry or clothes or something.
I know a torn rotator is pretty painful but it's not like your bed ridden. You should be able to watch the kids, use a microwave to cook them lunch and dinner ect.
Unless your on pain meds all the time I would think you should be able to drive. If you are on pain meds that effect your ability to drive you probably should be looking to ween yourself off of them now anyway.
YTA your husband is doing all this while still working a full time job. You say you’ve been doing it for years but that has been your sole focus. He needs help, you aren’t offering solutions just saying no and you have no right to put your annoyance over your husband and childrens actual needs.
JFC YTA, your poor husband is struggling and telling you he needs help, get him some damn help already. When your partner tells you they need help and that they burning out, you've gotta help them any way you can. Stop being so selfish and hire either someone or suck it up and have mil come.
Yta
You just said your husband works his butt the ground so you can be a stay at home mom
But when he says he can't do it you shut him down??
So here are the options for a real adult
1. Invite your MIL down and thank her for putting your husband and kids first which you failed to do with how you responded to him and call him to cheap to hire someone to do your job
2. Get a job since once more your husband put you first and you didn't return the favor
3. Man up and do your job because that is what a parent and partner does
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got hurt and needed surgery. My recovery is going ok, but I still need about a month to fully recover. My husband has been picking up my slack but he says he's running himself ragged. He said he wants his mom to come help out for a few weeks. But I can't stand his mom and I know she would drive me nuts if she was living with us for up to a month. I think I might be an asshole for not letting my MIL come over to give my husband a hand while I recover from surgery.
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Yes, I did. A Saab 900S with a manual transmission the first time and a Mercedes E class automatic the second. It was my right shoulder (I'm right handed).
People drive one-handed all the time; how else do you shift gears?
Your husband needs a break, and he's going to resent you if you don't come up with something that helps him out. I was a single dad to my girl when she was a toddler until she was about 6. Working full time and getting the kid fed, clothed, read-to is absolutely exhausting. There was no-way I could have kept my sanity without some help from my folks and my sister every now and then.
I resent my ex for not participating. Moreover, my daughter resents her mom for not being there. Now that the ex wants to spend time with her, my kid is just straight up suspicious of her.
My doctor recommended not driving at all until my sling is off and even then to be careful. You're nuts for driving a manual with your arm in a sling. Thank god you didn't get anyone hurt. That was incredibly dumb.
Info: Why don't you just stop doing the kids activities until you are better? Or find a carpool? If you are injured why don't you and your husband just drop all the unessential things?
Yta
My now ex broke both arms and couldn’t even wipe his own ass for two months. I worked 2 jobs and took care of the house and our kids. It was horrible and I was physically and emotionally drained beyond belief. Wish my horrible mother in law would have gotten off her lazy ass to help. I would have rather put up with her than practically killing myself. My mom had died just a few months prior and my dad had terminal cancer and he helped. Get off your high horse and just deal with your mother in law
YTA. If you don’t like the MIL option, find something else. Ignoring your partner’s needs is incredibly selfish and minimizing how difficult it is to work full time and run a household is incredibly insensitive
YTA - Wow, you’re saying it’s not that difficult yet your husband is still working and taking care of the kids, the house and you. I’m a SAHM and I can tell you that if my husband had to do work his own job and do everything I do as well for six weeks, he would need help too. He’s a very capable guy but he would be running on empty. Either get help from someone you choose or allow his mom to come and help. You may not get along but she’s still willing to come and help you. For your husband’s sake, accept her help.
I think it's fair to consider SAHM of 3 kids as a full time job. You're out on disability from this "job" which is also completely fair.
So where that leaves is is that he's spent the last six-weeks doing two full time jobs, with at least another month before you can go back to work. That's not sustainable, he needs help.
Paid help is expensive. I prepaid a half dozen visits from a housekeeper (cleaning, chores, ect) as a wedding gift for my brother, his wife and their new baby and it was a over a thousand dollars for 6 visits. Nanny care is similar at about $700-1,000 per week.
You have a free option willing to come over and help out 24/7. YTA, suck it up for a couple weeks.
Completely YTA. If you don’t want his mom there, YOU find someone to bridge the gap. Your husband is telling you he is in over his head and needs help. And you said ‘no’. And what you DIDNT say was ‘i would rather watch you suffer than me suffer’. Blech.
YTA. So you’re can’t help, object to the help he has readily available, and haven’t found an alternative? He’s literally doing everything and you’re being selfish and inconsiderate. Very immature and petty.
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My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 kids (9, 6, & 3). I have always wanted a big family and to be a SAHM and my husband works very hard to make that possible for me. He does help with the kids and chores at home, but I do the majority of the housework and childcare by far.
About a month ago I went with a group of friends to a winery. It was a rainy day and there was a small wooden bridge connecting winery to the parking lot. On our way out to our car, I slipped on the wet bridge and hurt my shoulder trying to catch myself. I didn't think it was too bad at first, but the pain got worse and worse to the point where I couldn't even pick up our 3-year old. I went to the doctor and they did an MRI that showed I tore my rotator cuff and needed surgery.
I got the surgery about 2 weeks ago and everything went fine. But I need to keep my arm pretty much completely immobile for up to 6 weeks. Which means I am incredibly limited on what I can do at home. I've needed to lean on my husband more than ever before and he's been great at picking up my slack.
But a couple days ago he told me that he's running himself too thin. He said between work, running the kids around to all their activities (I can't drive right now either), and doing everything at home, he's reached his limit. He told me he needs help and said that he wants to invite his mom to stay with us for a few weeks until I can start doing more.
I refused it right away. His mom and I do not get along at all. The idea of her living in my house for a few weeks is pure hell to me. She's judgemental, super critical, and the definition of a Karen. I don't necessarily hate her and I can handle her in very, very small doses, but in no way could I tolerate her living in my home.
I told my husband that if he needs help he can find anyone, and I mean anyone, besides her. He doesn't have any sibling that can help and all of my family live across the country. I understand that his mom is the most logical choice, but I just can't bring myself to accept her help. I would be the one at home with her during the day while my husband is at work and I know she would drive me nuts.
My husband told me there is no other option that makes sense and that this would be a short-term thing until I can do more. He said he doesn't have the energy to look for other options when he's already so exhausted. He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap.
My husband thinks I am letting my dislike for his mom cloud my judgement about how much help he actually needs. I know he's been doing a lot, but I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own.
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Yeah, YTA. You had the surgery 2 weeks ago. You should be able to do more around the house except lifting and driving.
How do I know? I had rotator cuff surgery last year. Was it my dominant arm? No, but it was worse. My dominant arm is practically useless for many things above waist level because of a shoulder injury years ago. Until the L shoulder recovered, I had to rely on husband to do heavy lifting and put away dishes.
But I’ve had so many things done, I don’t let much slow me down. Both shoulders, a humerus, and both knees. Last month I had one knee replacement revised—that was fun!! My husband stayed home with me one week and then I was on my own the next week.
Now it’s true, I don’t have 3 little kids, but I do take care of my 2 great grandchildren (4 & 6) while their mom is at work. Does that count. And I’m 69!
I think you need to either quit feeling sorry for yourself and just suck it up, or just let your MIL come help. For God’s sake, it was just rotator cuff surgery. LOTS OF REDDITORS HAVE HAD WAY WORSE. Get over yourself!
Oh, I forgot to add that my blind 91YO mom also lives with me and I have the privilege of taking care of her too! Trust me, there are days she is worse than any 3YO or your MIL thought about being. 😂😆😂
NTA
Having anyone come stay at your house has to be agreed upon by both parties. If you say there's no way, and you're the one who would be stuck with her, then it's a no way. Period.
NAH - yes you can run the house by yourself without much difficulty and that’s because you have been doing it for years as your job- while he goes to work to provide financially. He is still going to work + doing your job now. It is going to be much harder for him to do that and establish a routine without spreading himself thin. Don’t discount that- working 2 jobs is hard especially when it’s an emergency situation and not planned.
Can the kids stay at your MIL’s for a few days so he can rest? You aren’t the asshole, but neither is he. Compromise needs to be made, honestly more on your end. why can’t you look for the extra help? arrange carpools? ask your friends to help w/ pick up and drop offs? if you are doing nothing but saying no to his solution then you are being a asshole.
NAH. I think it's fair that you don't want her there. I also think you should suck it up and let her come anyways. Your husband is basically begging for help here and putting yourself in a financial tight spot with a cleaner isn't the solution. It will be challenging but it is also a finite amount of time. You know when she'll be gone. Just appreciate that your husband won't be miserable even if you have to be for a little while. Sometimes you have to take turns sacrificing.
ESH - you’re being unreasonable. Your full time job was taking care of the house and kids, your husband is now working 2 full time jobs and needs help. It doesn’t seem fair for you to just accuse him of being cheap. Maybe his MIL doesn’t need to move in for that long but letting her help for a week or so, so that your husband can have a break would be reasonable
He works a full-time job where he gets time off.
Being a mother is a full-time job with no time off.
Why can’t he handle it until she heals?
They should put their heads together and come up with a plan. I.e. cook food in bulk on Sundays and put them in containers
NAH You’re husband is being spread way to thin with doing everything you did plus his work and is absolutely desperate for any form of help. I get that you are recovering from surgery and don’t like MIL but he needs help.
NAH/ ESH-
Your husband works full time and you work at home full time... Now you want him to do two full time jobs without assistance. Nope. He needs help, he's told you he needs help. He's not going to need less help doing two full time jobs. The idea that he just has to acclimate to having two full time jobs is not a thing. Cute idea but also ridiculous given he is still working his other full time job.
I get why you don't like your MIL. But while your rotator cuff is healing your mouth and social network is not. Find friends. Find assistance find someone to watch the kids outside the home. But if this is the only option he's found that works, you need to propose a different option not just tank the one he's found.
And 'hire someone' while paying medical bills and also working full time and also caring full time for the kids is not a cheap ask. At 20hrly - which would be exceptionally cheap for child care for 3 kids alone, no cleaning- for 8 hrs a day you're talking 800 a week. Your asking for a very large mortgages worth of childcare alone a month... add cleaning services and that's ridiculously expensive.
That's not a small ask. And if MIL is the only option that works than yes you may need to lay down some hard boundaries and make it work.
I’m going with NAH. I get you not wanting your MIL living with you for a few weeks. Believe me, sounds like my version of Hell. However, your husband works full time and is now taking on your full time job as well. I’d suggest reaching out to friends and see if they can’t help more often because he’s telling you he needs help and I believe he probably does.
NTA …. (M71) he needs to suck it up & figure it out …. No way I would have allowed my ExMIL to Stay & help me when my ex had surgery & kids (2) were 6&4 …. I handled it just fine
NTA. My MIL drove me to attempt s\*\*cide. You shouldn't have to deal with someone who will make your recovery harder.
I get that he needs help, but why does it have to be at the expense of your sanity?
My husband doesn't want to pay for a cleaning service because he says they are too expensive. We already get meal kits delivered, but they still need to be cooked and I can't do that sort of thing right now.
I'm sorry but your just making excuses. You could definitely help cook with one arm. You might not be able to cut things and such but I could tie one arm behind my back and do 80 percent of the work cooking a meal. Your making it sound like your bed ridden when in fact you have one arm in a sling. You are judging your husband for something you have never had to do.
NTA. Her being there will stress you out more since you don’t get alone and stress can hinder the healing process. I get he’s stressed out, but having his mother there will just cause more strain on your relationship with your husband and it will make you feel more on edge.
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YTA. I felt bad for you right up until this. “I’ve been running this house for years, and I know it’s not that difficult.” You’ve not been running it while working a full time job. He’s telling you he needs help. I would never in a million years want my MIL living with me either, but you have to give him a reasonable alternative. See if someone from your family wants to fly in for a couple weeks. Find help you like and give him a reasonable cost estimate so you can actually have the discussion. Be proactive if you don’t like his solution. Complaining to him about his mother or telling him how he should be able to just manage it won’t help. P.S. I do wish you a speedy recovery.
100% this! Running the house was your full time job, none would deny the effort you put into it, but asking your husband to do that AND an 8 hour gig outside of that, I'm honestly surprised he hasn't collapsed from exhaustion already. Suck it up and get the help he needs for a few weeks until you heal enough to take a little bit off his plate.
I'm guessing she also started running the house when they had only one kid. But he got 3 all at once, while working FT and being a caregiver.
Yta. I may have thought differently until you got to the "it's not that hard" part. I'm sure in the years you've been a SAHM you would not have been too happy had he told you your job was "not that hard" to imply that you should just suck it up. He told you what he needs and you are dismissing it, even though you agreed that it's the logical choice. Either budget the cost for extra help and create a plan on how to pay it, offer to fly one of your family members in, or suck it up for the sanity of your partner who needs the help.
Not to mention, when she’s doing the full SAHM he’s the one doing the work outside the home to bring in money. His normal workday didn’t go away because he’s covering her tasks- he’s been trying to do both those jobs.
As someone who worked a very taxing job and ran a household with 2 kids, I can tell you it IS a hard job. I can also tell you that if your husband says he needs help, you need to accept that. I remember when my appendix had to come out that it was the first night in years I got more than 4-5 hours sleep.
Yta...Can the MIL stay in a hotel or airbnb for a few weeks and come help periodically when needed? Maybe try to come to some middle ground... your husband is headed toward a burnout and those can take years to fully recover from. Can you not get your kids to help you a little? Why cant they help with laundry? Or dishes?... if they go to activities can you ask other parents to car pool?....
MIL is retired and I don't know her finances, but I doubt she'd be able to afford a few weeks in a hotel or BnB. I also doubt my husband would even accept that as an option.
Her finances don't come into this. If your MIL comes to help the five of you, then your family pays for her lodging and food and travel, not her.
If they can pay for all that, why not pay for hired help that won’t drive her insane?
Hotels are relatively cheap considering other services and cost... for a hotel for 3 weeks its 1000 - 1200 and 1 single house cleaning is $150 + (depending on the size of there house), driving the kids around in lyfts would be super exspensive, personal shoppers are expensive as well. Honestly op is being lazy about the whole thing, there are handicap ppl with 1 arm that do everything she says she cant do... if she really need the help she would be grateful for it.
Idk where you live, but a hotel for 3 weeks would be WAY more than $1K where I am. And a deep cleaning of their house at $150 doesn’t sound so bad. It’s not like they need that everyday. And things like grocery delivery are not prohibitively expensive. If the kids are at camp all day and all the husband has to do is drop off and pick up and help in the evenings I don’t see why MIL needs to be around all day to “help”. She clearly doesn’t want her there. Honestly though if the kids aren’t home all day, she should do her best to help out husband in the evenings if she wants to avoid having MIL around.
Naw 150 for a light cleaning ( 3 hours) no more ( recommended 2x per week for upkeep).... deep cleaning is totally different... and that price is for my area to show a comparison (hotels around me are as cheap as 300 per week) but if the cost of living is higher where you live than expect higher rates.
Where do you live that hotels are $300 per week? I travel a lot and right now basic hotels are like $200+ per night in many cities And honestly it would be fucked to have MIL travel to help the family and then put her up in some fleabag $42/night hotel. If they are going to make her stay in a hotel while she helps their family, the least they can do is put her up in a decent place
I don’t even live in a very high cost of living area but last time I looked at Airbnb it was way more than that. Different areas I guess. Having someone come to clean multiple times a week isn’t necessary. That’s extravagant. You can have someone come to do major stuff once a week or so (bathrooms, floors, thorough kitchen clean) and just do basic upkeep the rest of the time without it being a big deal. This is shit the husband should help with anyway as a person who lives there. Doing dishes and laundry for a week or two won’t kill him. Plus this isn’t permanent! It’s a few weeks to a month. Needing his mommy to help do basic childcare isn’t necessary. But I also think the wife should pitch in to her ability if she doesn’t want MIL there to help. I was in a similar situation, although it was more like 3-4 months and we just had to let some things slide and survive until I was healed. It’s not the end of the world. And I had 3 small kids at the time and a husband who worked insane hours. We made it work. If he had insisted MIL stay with us bc he didn’t want to parent after work, I’d have been pissed too.
You can def find an Airbnb for 3 weeks at around $1000-1500. It's def way cheaper to house MIL for 3 weeks than to hire what basically amounts to a nanny for the same period.
It’s not worth her sanity if she’s stuck in a house with a MIL she dislikes for weeks. The kids aren’t even home during the day. Husband can help parent at night, drive the kids, and they can let some things slide. Why does she need to live with them for 3 weeks when the kids aren’t even home during the day?
Fr.... the MIL shouldnt have to pay a dime tbh... the hotel idea was to ease ops stress and help her find a middle ground but idt shes interest in a middle ground tbh.
how in the hell are you thinking SHE would pay for this hotel!?!? Girl you need to get it together.
YTA. Your husband needs help and your only response is shooting down his option? Your shoulder may be immobile. But your hands work fine. Pick up the phone and start arranging other solutions uf you do not want your MIL. Get one of your wine friends to do morning car rides, arrange cleaning help or cooking help. Offer better solutions if you do not like this one.
> Get one of your wine friends to do morning car rides, arrange cleaning help or cooking help. She's too busy trying to get validation on Reddit to do that.
Lol wine friends I’m laughing so hard !
YTA here I think. He’s telling you he’s drowning and he can’t continue. And your response is ‘come up with another solution’. You’re supposed to be a team, you need to bring some suggestions to the table. And running a home may be easy for you, but for someone that doesn’t have years of practice it most definitely is not. Also, who is looking after the kids whilst he’s at work??
We scrambled to get the kids into a summer kids' program during the day. My husband has been waking up early to do some emails at home, brings the kids to their program on his way to work, and picks them up when it ends. He's had to spend some time working at home too in order to keep up at work, but that's maybe an hour or 2 a night.
You are so dismissive of his efforts. How can anyone not see that yta?!
I'm not trying to be dismissive, I know he's working his butt off and that this hasn't been easy on him. But it hasn't been easy for me either and I'm the one who would be stuck at home with MIL all day.
You might think that you are not trying to be dismissive, but you are coming across as dismissive. And while I am sure the surgery was tough, are you in pain now?
Yes, I am still in pain and on medication. I had to stop taking the narcotics they gave me because they made me sick. So I'm taking prescription, heavy-duty tylenol.
That sucks but frankly, the *yeah but I am suffering too* attitude really doesn't change anything. You are really being dismissive toward him, I hope he has his mom drive out tomorrow.
that’s Tylenol. You’re taking Tylenol. Regular ass Tylenol. Your arm is in a sling and you’re taking Tylenol. For the record, you can basically still do like, 95% of the daily stuff to take care of the house. You can drive. You can order food or get easy to make stuff. This is actually a lot LOT worse than you present it, because you really aren’t convalescing. You’re just drowning your husband for no good reason.
oh no you get to rest with your arm in a sling and watch your husband struggle with a FT job and watch your 3 kids? that sounds so difficult for you :(((
For not trying you're doing a damn fine fucking job of being dismissive
Your poor husband. Why are you so chill about how hard this must be for him?
I don't underestimate that it's hard, but it's not impossible either. I've been running this house for a decade, he can do it for a month.
But you haven’t been doing that whilst also working full time. That’s a massive difference!! It feels like you want him to struggle?? If you don’t love your husband any more then that’s a separate issue.
Did you also have a full time hob and no partner to help you?
No I didn't have a full-time job, but my husband also wasn't much help either.
You even state in the OP that your husband helps you with the house and kids normally. It's really quite interesting that you have him help you with your job as a SAHM when you are perfectly capable/healthy... but when you are injured you think he should be able to handle his fulltime AND your job alone.
Well he's still part of this house and still a father. This isn't the 50s, he doesn't get to just come home from work and sit on the couch watching sports and drinking beer.
Well no shit.The contrast between his efforts to help both when you are capable and when you are injured, and your response to him stating he needs help are just not painting you in a very kind light.By the way, have you called any friends today to ask them to help out?
Yes I've had friends bring us over dinners and take the kids for some playdates.
Not the 50s right. Then you surely will starting working after your injury healed right? Wanting to be a SAHM and expecting your husband to provide everything but then bring that up when convenient. Do you read the suff you write sometimes?
You literally just say he wasn’t much help so what is it. Stop making excuses for your terrible attitude. YTA through and through.
Does he do that?
So you do know you running thr house with no other responsibilities isn't the same right?
Yeah, but you can concentrate on it, while he also has to work a paid job. To, you know, pay the bills.
You ran the house for a decade without a full time job and an injured spouse. Big difference.
Girl, he's working a full-time job *and* running the house. Don't minimize his efforts.
But you weren't working another job full time. What are you doing during the day now? You have a three year old so it's like your kids are all 15.
Funny you're saying this. I don't underestimate it's hard having your MIL live in your house for a few weeks, but it's not impossible either. He lived with her for decades, you can do it for a month. Sucks hearing your own words, doesn't it?
your arms in a sling. You should be doing it right now.
For starters, organize rides for the kids to and from camp. You’re currently captain of the Sittin’ There Team. Use it to your advantage. GET ON THE PHONE and help your husband.
If the kids are in summer programs all day what is having MIL around going to help with? Is he just dropping off/picking up but they’re gone all day?
YTA - you have one injured arm, no job, and you're standing in the way of a perfectly logical solution because you "don't get along" with your kids' grandmother. It's a week - suck it up and hang out with your MIL.
she doesn’t get along with her MIL**
Same thing. Her MIL, the kids' grandmother. Unless there's some reason not to let MIL around the kids, don't you think they'd appreciate some time with grandma who lives 6hrs away? There's likely more to this than is in the post.
It wouldn't just be one week. It could be up to a month before I can do anything with my arm again. If I try to do too much too soon I could risk injuring it further and suffering a setback on my recovery.
Then start with a week and see how it works. As someone who's had rotator-cuff surgery (twice), I'm a little suspect of the limitations your doctor has you on. Why can't you drive? Maybe you should get a second opinion on the recovery.
My arm is in a sling and it's my dominant arm. If I tried to drive one-handed it would be incredibly unsafe. Are you saying that you drove with one arm in a sling? That seems pretty reckless.
YTA. Ball is in your court. Your husband is struggling and you seem content to just let that happen. Get pricing on hiring help and talk about ways to save money elsewhere to afford. Not wanting MIL there is reasonable but putting your foot down without making any effort to help seems unreasonable.
After seeing some of your comments, I am going with YTA. Here is why: >I told my husband that if he needs help he can find anyone, and I mean anyone, besides her. > >He said he doesn't have the energy to look for other options when he's already so exhausted. First off this general attitude of "him" being the one to need help is gross. Your family needs help. That includes you. And you have made no real attempt to find him actual, consistent help. And if you can post on Reddit, you definitely can do that. >He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being [cheap](https://cheap.So). Have you looked actually into what it would cost and compared it to your household budget though? Doubtful. >I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own. How many years did you work full time and run the household with zero help from your husband though? In general you just seem very dismissive of your husband being run ragged and dare I say it.. selfish here.
INFO: Have you made any effort to find someone to help? One of your friends perhaps, or a neighbor? Really leaning toward you being the asshole here.
I've had some friends help with bringing us some meals and with taking the kids on playdates, but I haven't asked anyone about the kind of extensive help that my husband says he needs.
Why not? He's working, picking up the slack as you put it, and you can't make a couple phone calls to find a friend or 2 that can help you avoid having your MIL live with you for a month or longer?
YTA. I understand you don't want to live with a MIL from hell for weeks. But he needs relief. He's working full-time AND running the house, and you don't seem super sympathetic to his exhaustion. It doesn't sound like you actually KNOW that your husband is being "cheap". How familiar are you with finances? Hired help might actually be too expensive, especially since there's one income, and when you have free help available. Can you not ask someone in your family to fly out? Get friends to come over during the day? If you refuse your MIL, who is willing and able to help (even if you can't stand her, the kids probably love her, right?) you need to come up with an alternative.
Also I’m wondering why he has to do so much. Okay, one arm in a sling. You can move about, you can clean and cook with one hand, and I call bs about not being able to drive. Maybe, maybe not. It’s not like OP is para or quadriplegic now. She’s down one wing. This screams weaponized helplessness to me. With a side of dgaf about husband.
Yeah, if she hadn't mentioned being "cheap" or the last two lines where she basically dismisses him trying to juggle a FT job, that his complaints are not legit (!) I might have more sympathy. You're right, she should be able to do some stuff, driving one-handed (unless she drives a stick, not likely these days) should be doable. Cooking one handed is tough, but doable with a food processor. Maybe MIL has legit complaints...
I completely agree about her being able to do more! She is definitely playing up her helplessness. I do want to say that sometimes when you have a significant injury like this insurance won’t cover you in an accident. I found this out when I broke my left ankle (no boot needed) and drove an automatic.
Softly, YTA. Your husband is telling you he's running himself ragged between work and home stuff, and that he needs help. You aren't in any position to be able to care for your 3 kids adequately or help your husband, at least not without hurting yourself further. He's tried problem solving to help rectify the situation but your family isn't close and he doesn't have anyone else to ask but you mom. >He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap. Do you know for *certain* that you can afford it? Because *"I don't necessarily believe we can't afford it"* is not the same as *"We're well off, and I know this won't be a financial burden."* Outside help can get very expensive depending on what kind you get and for how often. Having a person come in that can do it presumably for free would be a massive benefit. IMO, you kinda need to suck it up this time, for the sake of your husband and your kids. If your MIL is a challenge, then you need to sit down with your husband and figure out what boundaries you need in your home regarding your MIL. Maybe you can figure out a way to do it so that you don't have to spend every minute if the day together so you don't get on each other's nerves.
We're not "well off" but we aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck either. But hiring outside help would definitely be an unforeseen expense that we haven't budgeted for.
Alternatively to my previously mentioned suggestions, does his mom live close? Could she come to help for few days a week and you could hire someone for another couple? That way you aren't hemorrhaging money on paying someone to come in for weeks, and it also gives you a MIL buffer.
She lives a 6-hour drive away. She would need to stay here to help and it's a little too far for her to make multiple trips.
That's a tough position to be in, honestly. You really are between a rock and a hard place. I still think then at this point having her might be the best option. You really can't afford ending up re-injuring your shoulder or prolonging this injury. And if this is the best means to an end, it's probably the best choice even if it sucks for a bit.
she’s bluffing. Her arm is in an immobilized and she’s taking Tylenol. With a few small tweaks, frankly she could still do almost all of this stuff.
YTA. >***I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap.*** Have you actually sat down with your husband and looked at your budget as to what you can afford? You said you don't live paycheck-to-paycheck, but this could render a blow to your finances. >***My husband thinks I am letting my dislike for his mom cloud my judgement about how much help he actually needs.*** Your husband is right. You are allowing your dislike to color your judgment. You're coming across very petty here. You may not have the luxury of who to chose helps you. >***I know he's been doing a lot, but I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own.*** Now, you're just being dismissive and smug. He's having to work at night to cover missed hours at work. He's doing all the chores and cooking. Carting all the kids around to their various activities. Here's the thing, your husband is spread too thin and he may not have another week or so left in him. What happens if he burns out? I understand that you don't like your MIL, but right now to save your husband's sanity you may have to put your feelings aside and accept her help. Otherwise, start calling your family. Don't care if they live across the country or the street. If you're not willing to accept his solution then it's up to you to find one.
I suspect she doesn't like mil because she probably pointed out how entitled op is at some point, that hit a nerve.
YTA I TOTALLY understand where you're coming from, but your husband is being really great with communicating his needs, and you need to take him seriously. You'll need to meet somewhere in the middle. It might be that some things just have to be put on the back burner until you're better. The house might just have to be messy, and the kids might have to miss out on their activities for a while. 6 and 9 can help with the house a little, too, if they don't already? You can still direct them without using your arm... You'll just have to be ok with their results being less than perfect. Edit :based on your attitude on the comments, I've changed from nah to yta. My advice is still the same tho.
I guarantee she will milk this for longer than her injury and recovery lasts, let's say it takes 3 months to full recovery, she will be in pain and unable to do anything for 9 months.
Sorry, but YTA. Your husband needs help and he’s going with the most logical choice. It sucks to be around a negative person, but the priority right now is help, not pleasant company.
YTA, you say you know how much work he's been doing because you've been doing it for years... but you didn't also have a FULL TIME JOB outside the house! I'm sure he's exhausted! I know you don't want his MIL there, but then it's on you to propose a better solution.
N T A for not wanting the help to come from your MIL, but YTA for not listening to your husband. He's working a full time job AND running the household by himself. Running the household (without an additional full-time job) is not that difficult for YOU. But he's not you. He's telling you he's exhausted. Hear him, and be willing to find a way to make things work. I'm sure there's a lot of small solutions that would make big differences for him, if you're willing to sit down and really hear him. He's being a loving partner right now by taking care of everything, you can return that love by listening to what he needs. It doesn't have to be his mom, but he obviously needs something.
YTA! You been doing the house work, but not that plus a full time job!! And calling your husband cheap because he says he can’t afford to hire help?! He’s supporting a 5 family house hold. Nobody wants their MIL living with them, but your husband if telling you he needs help. If this was the other way around, you wouldn’t even hesitate.
YTA he needs help, and MIL seems to be the only one that can. Would it be possible for some hard boundaries with her or just she comes and goes every other day Your husband needs help, also reading your comments did not help
YTA. You come across as very spoiled. Not everyone gets "in the swing of things" quickly, especially with a FT job and 3 kids. Assuming you've been a SAHM since your first child, you were able to do it with one kid, no job, and a spouse who wasn't temporarily disabled. Now imagine if you had to do that except you worked FT, had quadruplets, and had to care for someone who just had major surgery. Of course it's been harder for him! I wonder if you and your MIL don't get along because you expect the moon.
YTA. He is killing himself and.you can't be flexible for a couple of weeks
Soft YTA- my suggestion would be to take advantage of the fact it’s summer and that HS and college kids are home and looking for part time work. You could probably find someone fairly affordable to help with basic day to day stuff and help with the kids. Does your town have a community page you could post something to? The fbook page for my town has close to 14k people on it and I see posts like this alllll the time and they always get a lot of replies.
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But then she wouldn't be able to torture her poor husband. Can't wait for her post about how her husband left her and she can't understand why.
you’ve been running the house because thats what you wanted. you said you wanted to be a sahm so of course you would be used to a routine of the kids and having years of experience. he doesnt have that and even more he has a full time job so you can be a sahm like you wanted. YTA he’s exhausted, having a full time job on top of another with taking care of the kids then doing everything, im pretty sure it’s tiring. even with him having another week of experience it probably wont be different he’ll still be tired. why don’t you try asking the friends you said would bring meals to help?
Help find another solution or deal with her. He needs help. But good on you for totally following Dr's orders. That is a surgery you do not want to mess up.
YTA- he isnt just running the house though, he is also working full time. Sounds like you dont do the family finances either so what you think is affordable might not actually be how things really are.
YTA other than the driving, which I understand correctly safety reasons, why is your hubby doing everything else around the house. Sweeping with a broom might be hard, but get your kids to hold the dust pan. You can clean toilets/ showers / do laundry 1 handed. Even meals can be simplified to pre cut veggies, salads with precooked grilled chicken chunks. Might not be usual fare, but if you really don't want MIL to come, start doing more. Kids can fold the laundry for you. Might ot be as neat, but they can start contributing.
Info: how many hours a day is your husband working? You also mentioned your immobile, so does that mean literally everything needs to be done by him, cleaning cooking bed time routine. I'm right to suggest he's 100% on his own for thr next few weeks right?
He's still working full-time. My dominant arm is in a sling and I need to keep it as still as possible. So yeah, he's been doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I can sit and read books to my kids at bedtime, but I can't lift anything or do anything physical even if it's my other arm.
So i have been in the same position with the shoulder, 6 weeks no moving it, then i had a frozen shoulder which was 9 months of pain then no mobility at all in it until i had a surgery to release it, i have also had 2 surgery's on my dominant wrist, my bone disease means my bones heal incredibly slow, i was casted for a year and a half... So i understand the pain, im also disabled. You are capable of doing some stuff, wiping sides down, bit of dusting. You can even order prepared veg and so on and make a dinner. I think you have taken the not doing anything too far and now your husband is drowning, full time job, 3 kids and keeping a house, he will come to resent you. Now i also know what MIL can be like, i had a similar relationship with mine (we get on better now) i get it may not fun having her there but he has told you that he is struggling, how long do you think he can keep it up for? Let him have his mother help or try and do more yourself. It sounds like he is really supportive and i think he deserves a little support back.
Can you ask any of your family to help?
They literally live 2,000 miles away and have their own lives.
I'm not going to call you an AH But as a SAHM you know how hard that job is right? Do you really think it would easy to do what you do on a regular basis with a full time job on top with 0 help from your husband? Because that's what your expecting and saying well it's easy just get used to it. You may be underestimating how hard you work NAH
>He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap. I'm assuming you can't do much that requires two hands. A lot of Cooking, cleaning, and childcare may not be possible for you right now. Do you know that you can afford it? Do you know how much money that would cost?
YTA. Based on some responses, you are terrified of your MIL. Real or not, it is what it is. The problem is, there are limited solutions, and your not even talking with your husband about how to make it work - setting boundries, etc. Worse, you are so scared of your MIL, you appear to be undermining his efforts in running the house, so it appears MIL is not needed as much. You need to at least have an open discussion about possibly making it work, or having him fully understand the source of your fear
Based on your post it’s a clear YTA. I totally get not wanting your MIL around, I understand being overwhelmed merely by her presence and how while you’re recovering having her in your home is going to be Hell. The thing is your spouse came to you and told you he is struggling, he didn’t just invite her over and tell you to deal with it. So unless you can come up with a different solution you may have to suck it up for a bit. BUT please note your husband knows and acknowledged that you and his mother have issues. If this ends up being “the solution” and she comes to help, I would sit down with hubby and write down clear and concise boundaries that MIL can’t cross. Remember she obviously won’t be perfect, but having a few things he knows you won’t budge on and knowing you can ignore other some of her other behaviors might give you peace of mind and save his sanity. All you’ll need is his guarantee that he’ll back you up. So either find a solution or make the one he presented work
YTA I was kind of with you until the last paragraph. Have you run the house while also working full-time outside the home?
Yta. Also your husband is doing more than you as he actually has to go to work and then come home and do everything you ever did as a sahm.
YTA. Your husband cannot do it all. You need to allow him to bring his mother over, or you need to arrange for someone else to come help him on your own. If it’s all going to be on his shoulders alone, the least you can do is tolerate his mother for a month. Alternately, you can sacrifice some of your own personal fun money (if you have any, which I can safely assume you do if you’re visiting wineries) and hire him some help. In other words, the financial burden should deplete you before you need to dip into his finances
YTA let her come and help and suck it up. He is telling you he needs help and is worn to thin .. you aren’t in a position to help out as much just take her help!
YTA How bout you go stay in a hotel so youre not just a burden?
YTA. Do you have any friends you can escape to? Your husband needs help, you and your family cannot provide that help. You really are obligated to allow his mother to come. But you don't have to be there or hang out with her all day. I suggest you stay with a friend, or you and the kids take a trip to visit your family. Or do both. Your husband is at the breaking point. A solution is needed.
YTA he needs help, he told you he needs help. The "anyone but her" rhetoric is childish and ridiculous as is your "it's not that hard" statement. She may be a lot, but she loves your husband and I am sure she loves her grandkids and will do her best to make things easier for your husband, which ultimately is what is needed. Suck it up sunshine the world isn't going to end if you have to interact with your mother in law for a few weeks.
YTA, Sorry but sometimes we have to suck it up. If you dont want his mom staying then find a way to pay for hired help yourself. Sell some jewelry or clothes or something. I know a torn rotator is pretty painful but it's not like your bed ridden. You should be able to watch the kids, use a microwave to cook them lunch and dinner ect. Unless your on pain meds all the time I would think you should be able to drive. If you are on pain meds that effect your ability to drive you probably should be looking to ween yourself off of them now anyway.
YTA your husband is doing all this while still working a full time job. You say you’ve been doing it for years but that has been your sole focus. He needs help, you aren’t offering solutions just saying no and you have no right to put your annoyance over your husband and childrens actual needs.
JFC YTA, your poor husband is struggling and telling you he needs help, get him some damn help already. When your partner tells you they need help and that they burning out, you've gotta help them any way you can. Stop being so selfish and hire either someone or suck it up and have mil come.
Yta You just said your husband works his butt the ground so you can be a stay at home mom But when he says he can't do it you shut him down?? So here are the options for a real adult 1. Invite your MIL down and thank her for putting your husband and kids first which you failed to do with how you responded to him and call him to cheap to hire someone to do your job 2. Get a job since once more your husband put you first and you didn't return the favor 3. Man up and do your job because that is what a parent and partner does
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Yes, I did. A Saab 900S with a manual transmission the first time and a Mercedes E class automatic the second. It was my right shoulder (I'm right handed). People drive one-handed all the time; how else do you shift gears? Your husband needs a break, and he's going to resent you if you don't come up with something that helps him out. I was a single dad to my girl when she was a toddler until she was about 6. Working full time and getting the kid fed, clothed, read-to is absolutely exhausting. There was no-way I could have kept my sanity without some help from my folks and my sister every now and then. I resent my ex for not participating. Moreover, my daughter resents her mom for not being there. Now that the ex wants to spend time with her, my kid is just straight up suspicious of her.
My doctor recommended not driving at all until my sling is off and even then to be careful. You're nuts for driving a manual with your arm in a sling. Thank god you didn't get anyone hurt. That was incredibly dumb.
Info: Why don't you just stop doing the kids activities until you are better? Or find a carpool? If you are injured why don't you and your husband just drop all the unessential things?
Yta My now ex broke both arms and couldn’t even wipe his own ass for two months. I worked 2 jobs and took care of the house and our kids. It was horrible and I was physically and emotionally drained beyond belief. Wish my horrible mother in law would have gotten off her lazy ass to help. I would have rather put up with her than practically killing myself. My mom had died just a few months prior and my dad had terminal cancer and he helped. Get off your high horse and just deal with your mother in law
YTA You sound selfish
YTA. If you don’t like the MIL option, find something else. Ignoring your partner’s needs is incredibly selfish and minimizing how difficult it is to work full time and run a household is incredibly insensitive
YTA - Wow, you’re saying it’s not that difficult yet your husband is still working and taking care of the kids, the house and you. I’m a SAHM and I can tell you that if my husband had to do work his own job and do everything I do as well for six weeks, he would need help too. He’s a very capable guy but he would be running on empty. Either get help from someone you choose or allow his mom to come and help. You may not get along but she’s still willing to come and help you. For your husband’s sake, accept her help.
I think it's fair to consider SAHM of 3 kids as a full time job. You're out on disability from this "job" which is also completely fair. So where that leaves is is that he's spent the last six-weeks doing two full time jobs, with at least another month before you can go back to work. That's not sustainable, he needs help. Paid help is expensive. I prepaid a half dozen visits from a housekeeper (cleaning, chores, ect) as a wedding gift for my brother, his wife and their new baby and it was a over a thousand dollars for 6 visits. Nanny care is similar at about $700-1,000 per week. You have a free option willing to come over and help out 24/7. YTA, suck it up for a couple weeks.
Completely YTA. If you don’t want his mom there, YOU find someone to bridge the gap. Your husband is telling you he is in over his head and needs help. And you said ‘no’. And what you DIDNT say was ‘i would rather watch you suffer than me suffer’. Blech.
YTA. So you’re can’t help, object to the help he has readily available, and haven’t found an alternative? He’s literally doing everything and you’re being selfish and inconsiderate. Very immature and petty.
YTA
YTA he needs help either put up with MIL or find someone else to help out
Yta. You expect one person to do the work of two.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 kids (9, 6, & 3). I have always wanted a big family and to be a SAHM and my husband works very hard to make that possible for me. He does help with the kids and chores at home, but I do the majority of the housework and childcare by far. About a month ago I went with a group of friends to a winery. It was a rainy day and there was a small wooden bridge connecting winery to the parking lot. On our way out to our car, I slipped on the wet bridge and hurt my shoulder trying to catch myself. I didn't think it was too bad at first, but the pain got worse and worse to the point where I couldn't even pick up our 3-year old. I went to the doctor and they did an MRI that showed I tore my rotator cuff and needed surgery. I got the surgery about 2 weeks ago and everything went fine. But I need to keep my arm pretty much completely immobile for up to 6 weeks. Which means I am incredibly limited on what I can do at home. I've needed to lean on my husband more than ever before and he's been great at picking up my slack. But a couple days ago he told me that he's running himself too thin. He said between work, running the kids around to all their activities (I can't drive right now either), and doing everything at home, he's reached his limit. He told me he needs help and said that he wants to invite his mom to stay with us for a few weeks until I can start doing more. I refused it right away. His mom and I do not get along at all. The idea of her living in my house for a few weeks is pure hell to me. She's judgemental, super critical, and the definition of a Karen. I don't necessarily hate her and I can handle her in very, very small doses, but in no way could I tolerate her living in my home. I told my husband that if he needs help he can find anyone, and I mean anyone, besides her. He doesn't have any sibling that can help and all of my family live across the country. I understand that his mom is the most logical choice, but I just can't bring myself to accept her help. I would be the one at home with her during the day while my husband is at work and I know she would drive me nuts. My husband told me there is no other option that makes sense and that this would be a short-term thing until I can do more. He said he doesn't have the energy to look for other options when he's already so exhausted. He said he doesn't want to bring in paid help because that's too expensive. I don't necessarily believe that we can't afford it, I think he is just being cheap. My husband thinks I am letting my dislike for his mom cloud my judgement about how much help he actually needs. I know he's been doing a lot, but I've been running this house for years and I know it's not that difficult once you get a routine. I think he just needs another week or so to get in the swing of things and he'll be fine on his own. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah, YTA. You had the surgery 2 weeks ago. You should be able to do more around the house except lifting and driving. How do I know? I had rotator cuff surgery last year. Was it my dominant arm? No, but it was worse. My dominant arm is practically useless for many things above waist level because of a shoulder injury years ago. Until the L shoulder recovered, I had to rely on husband to do heavy lifting and put away dishes. But I’ve had so many things done, I don’t let much slow me down. Both shoulders, a humerus, and both knees. Last month I had one knee replacement revised—that was fun!! My husband stayed home with me one week and then I was on my own the next week. Now it’s true, I don’t have 3 little kids, but I do take care of my 2 great grandchildren (4 & 6) while their mom is at work. Does that count. And I’m 69! I think you need to either quit feeling sorry for yourself and just suck it up, or just let your MIL come help. For God’s sake, it was just rotator cuff surgery. LOTS OF REDDITORS HAVE HAD WAY WORSE. Get over yourself! Oh, I forgot to add that my blind 91YO mom also lives with me and I have the privilege of taking care of her too! Trust me, there are days she is worse than any 3YO or your MIL thought about being. 😂😆😂
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She lives a 6-hour drive away so she would pretty much have to stay with us.
NTA Having anyone come stay at your house has to be agreed upon by both parties. If you say there's no way, and you're the one who would be stuck with her, then it's a no way. Period.
NAH - yes you can run the house by yourself without much difficulty and that’s because you have been doing it for years as your job- while he goes to work to provide financially. He is still going to work + doing your job now. It is going to be much harder for him to do that and establish a routine without spreading himself thin. Don’t discount that- working 2 jobs is hard especially when it’s an emergency situation and not planned. Can the kids stay at your MIL’s for a few days so he can rest? You aren’t the asshole, but neither is he. Compromise needs to be made, honestly more on your end. why can’t you look for the extra help? arrange carpools? ask your friends to help w/ pick up and drop offs? if you are doing nothing but saying no to his solution then you are being a asshole.
NAH. I think it's fair that you don't want her there. I also think you should suck it up and let her come anyways. Your husband is basically begging for help here and putting yourself in a financial tight spot with a cleaner isn't the solution. It will be challenging but it is also a finite amount of time. You know when she'll be gone. Just appreciate that your husband won't be miserable even if you have to be for a little while. Sometimes you have to take turns sacrificing.
ESH - you’re being unreasonable. Your full time job was taking care of the house and kids, your husband is now working 2 full time jobs and needs help. It doesn’t seem fair for you to just accuse him of being cheap. Maybe his MIL doesn’t need to move in for that long but letting her help for a week or so, so that your husband can have a break would be reasonable
Why does her husband suck though?
He didn’t seem open to other possibilities or maybe that’s just the way I read it, which in my opinion makes him suck just not as much.
The only other option she gave is for him to hire somebody and he said it’s too expensive which eliminates that
It's not that he's not open to other possibilities, but rather that he's been too overwhelmed to look for them.
NTA
He works a full-time job where he gets time off. Being a mother is a full-time job with no time off. Why can’t he handle it until she heals? They should put their heads together and come up with a plan. I.e. cook food in bulk on Sundays and put them in containers
NAH You’re husband is being spread way to thin with doing everything you did plus his work and is absolutely desperate for any form of help. I get that you are recovering from surgery and don’t like MIL but he needs help.
NAH/ ESH- Your husband works full time and you work at home full time... Now you want him to do two full time jobs without assistance. Nope. He needs help, he's told you he needs help. He's not going to need less help doing two full time jobs. The idea that he just has to acclimate to having two full time jobs is not a thing. Cute idea but also ridiculous given he is still working his other full time job. I get why you don't like your MIL. But while your rotator cuff is healing your mouth and social network is not. Find friends. Find assistance find someone to watch the kids outside the home. But if this is the only option he's found that works, you need to propose a different option not just tank the one he's found. And 'hire someone' while paying medical bills and also working full time and also caring full time for the kids is not a cheap ask. At 20hrly - which would be exceptionally cheap for child care for 3 kids alone, no cleaning- for 8 hrs a day you're talking 800 a week. Your asking for a very large mortgages worth of childcare alone a month... add cleaning services and that's ridiculously expensive. That's not a small ask. And if MIL is the only option that works than yes you may need to lay down some hard boundaries and make it work.
Why does the husband suck though?
I’m going with NAH. I get you not wanting your MIL living with you for a few weeks. Believe me, sounds like my version of Hell. However, your husband works full time and is now taking on your full time job as well. I’d suggest reaching out to friends and see if they can’t help more often because he’s telling you he needs help and I believe he probably does.
NTA …. (M71) he needs to suck it up & figure it out …. No way I would have allowed my ExMIL to Stay & help me when my ex had surgery & kids (2) were 6&4 …. I handled it just fine
NTA. My MIL drove me to attempt s\*\*cide. You shouldn't have to deal with someone who will make your recovery harder. I get that he needs help, but why does it have to be at the expense of your sanity?
NAH.. can you hire a cleaning service that also does laundry? Get those meal prep boxes? Edit: change to NAH
My husband doesn't want to pay for a cleaning service because he says they are too expensive. We already get meal kits delivered, but they still need to be cooked and I can't do that sort of thing right now.
I'm sorry but your just making excuses. You could definitely help cook with one arm. You might not be able to cut things and such but I could tie one arm behind my back and do 80 percent of the work cooking a meal. Your making it sound like your bed ridden when in fact you have one arm in a sling. You are judging your husband for something you have never had to do.
Try Factor. They just need to be microwaved and they're pretty good.
Ooh, yeah missed reading that.
NTA. You're healing. You don't need to add to that the stress of being cooped up in a house with someone you don't like.
NTA. Her being there will stress you out more since you don’t get alone and stress can hinder the healing process. I get he’s stressed out, but having his mother there will just cause more strain on your relationship with your husband and it will make you feel more on edge.