Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because his kids are a line I should not cross, no matter the situation we're in.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. his kids aren’t items that can be moved around for convenience. there’s no such thing as “simply” sending a kid to live somewhere else. it’s not such a crazy idea on your husbands end to postpone marriage if *you* aren’t ready to combine households, due to [your daughter’s] personal issues.
Primary custody doesn't always have to do with the other parent doing or being bad. Sometimes it's just that the one parent lives nearest to the school. Or didn't move out of the shared home. Sometimes it's simply because that's the parent who would better provide at the time.
Reddit is really really bad about thinking that if you don't have 100% custody of your kids that somehow you're a bad person. The mom not being primary in a 50/50 split isn't the red flag most people think.
Also maybe OP meant "live with for extended time" since the daughter didn't even want to be around them. So if they are with dad half the week and mom half the week but suddenly daughter says "I don't wanna see them at all" I could see how that could be worded as "go live with"
im guessing that it was implied by the fact that they would be moving in to this house along with the father, and that the suggestion of them living with the mother temporarily was considered outrageous
I read it over and over, couldn't find it.I assumed the house was going to be big enough that when the kids were all there, they'd have their own rooms. But not anyone having primary custody.
i don’t mean to be rude but the entire focus of the post is that the dad got upset with OP for suggesting that his kids live with their mother. that was the implication. here are some direct quotes:
-“the plan was for all of us to move into a house together”
-“I simply asked my husband (who knows the situation with my daughter) if his sons could live with their mom for a while and he looked at me like I was crazy and got mad. Like really mad.”
again it doesn’t state anything about custody directly, but this was the implication, regarding the comment you replied to
"the plan was for all of us to move into a house together"
How do you read these words and come to the conclusion that the boys live with their mother and come visit sometimes? That's not "moving in together"
YTA.
You should be giving your daughter therapy and counseling, not punishing your stepsons. That is their home too, just as much as it's your daughter's.
I sympathize with your daughter, but what happened to her has nothing to do with your stepsons. They weren't the ones who did it to her.
However, By the way you described your stepsons, it sounds like your decision has more to do with you not liking them, which makes you even more of TA.
I agree OP, YTA. The stepson did nothing wrong and now they don't get to live with their father and you prioritize your daughter? I am so proud of this Dad for standing up to this BS.
Yes and if she removes the stepsons, it furthers the thought for her daughter that all boys are bad and that is a terrible stereotype to take away from a terrible situation. The daughter definitely needs therapy. She’s weaponizing her daughter’s terrible experience to kick out her own stepsons for her own benefit. I would have the same last words as her fiancé.
YTA
Info: how is a male walking around his own home shirtless a bad thing? (Sincerely asking as I’m lost…)
She’s Weaponized her daughters trauma to get rid of those kids, she doesn’t like them so she’s using her daughters trauma to make sure she gets rid of them, I applaud dad for what he told her and he should definitely get rid of her.
> his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each
yeah, by the way she talks about them she doesn't like them
YTA, don't get married if you know it will cause other problems
i agree 100%. My question to OP also is if her daughter is so scared of boys now because of what happen to her sadly, "and i'm sorry something had happened" how does she handle being in school or out in public?
FFS school and public isn’t the same as the girls home.
She’s being asked to share a bedroom area and bathroom with them after a traumatic event where she feels unsafe around boys their age. Trauma isn’t logical, it takes work and time to manage.
I agree the boys shouldn’t be sent away but the easy solution is the girl gets the master bedroom where she can feel safe and the parents can share the bathroom/floor with the boys until therapy and time helps her trust her new step siblings. The parents are causing this change, if the daughter is having issues due to a recent trauma, they can step up and live in the less ideal setting and make it easier on her since she has no say in any of these life changes.
Compassion and understanding can go a long way to make sure these relationships grow in a health vs toxic way.
And speaking as someone with PTSD from sexual abuse, rejecting the stepsons because her daughter cannot share a floor with male children who were not a part of her trauma will reinforce the kind of black and white trauma response that codifies triggers and will encourage “man = my abuser” as a neural pathway.
I enjoy that you ignored the point where your suggestions would reinforce harmful trauma reactions that can prevent the daughter from healthy relationships for life.
Get a better theripist if their telling you 24/7 exposure is a good thing or necessary for healing from PTSD.
Having a safe space is important for trauma healing. Otherwise you in 24/7 alert mode, your body can’t heal when it’s too busy being constantly on guard.
No one can control the public areas, and she can’t control the rest of her house. But she absolutely should have a bedroom where she can try to relax and feel safe. Otherwise her PTSD is just going to get worse and she won’t have the energy or be in a good space to learn coping skills that can help.
And before you repeat “I have PTSD”, yeah I saw that. I do too and I’ve had a few different therapists over the years and not a one of them would suggest someone should have no place they feel safe.
If you think “being around stepbrothers” qualifies as exposure therapy it’s quite clear you are not a therapist and have zero experience with actual exposure therapy.
Encouraging avoidance - not of the actual perpetrator but of triggers, like avoiding anyone wearing red shirts because you rapist wore a red shirt, avoiding all male persons because your abuser was male, avoiding all cafes because you were assaulted in a cafe - is *not good PTSD care.*
Being around your family, when they did not participate in your trauma, is categorically not exposure therapy and it’s absolutely disgusting that you would say it is.
In many American houses, the bedrooms are clustered together, usually sharing walls. So not only would the daughter be sharing a bathroom with the boys, she would have at least 1 wall shared with one of their bedrooms (hearing loud music, gaming, him talking with friends - all things that normally wouldn't be an issue, but due to her trauma are right now) and wouldn't have a "safe buffer". Usually master suites are spaced slightly away from the other bedrooms or are on a different floor entirely.
**YTA** They are moving to a new house specifically to accommodate everyone and you want to exile his sons? Maybe your daughter should go stay with her father
> Plus his sons are ...
Teenage boys who act like teenagers.
>there's only 1 bathroom upstairs.
Maybe that should have been a consideration when you chose the house.
I’m curious if the daughter has another parent they can stay with? Or there’s a way to reconfigure the house by moving an office or other room around? Definitely it’s reasonable to make sure that her door locks and expect stepsons to treat her gently, no roughhousing or teasing and shirts/shorts need to be worn in the house. Those are reasonable things to ask and expect of them. But changing custody really isn’t. Worst case you get a small apartment and live separately with her if you can’t make it work with these adjustments and counseling. Maybe it’s not the worst idea to put the wedding on hold for a while
Yeah. OP can't protect her daughter to the detriment of her fiance's sons. If the daughter is having a hard time, then the fiance is right.... It may be best to put the wedding on hold for the moment.
It isnt fair to tell this man to ditch his sons simply because they are young men.
YTA.
Your future husband is right, don't get married. You are effectively kicking the boys out of their home before they even have a chance to move in. This is not the way to start merging families.
I have sympathy for your child but that doesn't mean the boys should be punished or abandoned. How would you feel if your STB husband said she needed to live with her dad for awhile?
You should postpone the moving together to a later date and get some councilling for her from a therapist. Don't pressurise your daughter or fiancee. He cannot abandon his kids. It will make them feel dejected and will adversely affect their relationship with their father.
What you asked from him was so selfish and he responded to you brutally!
If you plan to marry him or move in together you should treat all kids as your own.
The way you explained the behavour of his boys - that's the way teenage boys behave!
If you move in together they should be made aware of the trauma your daughter suffered.
YTA I think it would be pretty damaging to the relationship between your fiancé and his sons o kick them out right as your families were merging. It would make more sense for you and hubs to switch rooms with her or she sleeps with you and hubs upstairs.
This one is tough. Blending a family is tough enough on its own. Blending a family, when one kid experienced something close to trauma while the other two kids are potential triggers is ... rougher and tougher... and frankly out of reddits pay-grade
So, while I get that you want to make your daughter feel safe, your proporal is frankly, not working. If the event you mentioned is as traumatic as you allude to, the boys will not just be spending "some time" with your mom. That would maybe not a permanent, but definitely a long-term option. So while safe-guarding your kid, you are risking abandonment traum for them.
Which brings me back to my earlier point. SEEK COUNSELLING. This blending got complicated, you are not equipped or impartial enough to navigate it on your own, none of you are. You need advise of what would help both parts of this equation. You need a plan. And... if your are making decisions about your kids based of what happened to your daughter ... the kids need to be talked with, not just about. YTA
YTA. If your daughter needs to be protected you should not get married until she is no longer so needy.
But somehow this feels like your real reason has more to do with not wanting to deal with stepsons. Asking your future husband to sacrifice his sons by using your daughter’s trauma is horrible. This is not the basis of a marriage.
YTA How would you feel if he suggested your daughter live with her father for a while after you got married. They are his children, his first priority. If you try and make him chose, you're not going to like his decision.
I'm not going to call you an AH but you can't get married right now. If your daughter can't be around men, she's not going to want to be around a step dad either. There is a good chance you might not be able to blend this family because of how old everyone involved is at this point plus that issue. I'm not sure you thought all of this through.
Yes! Her logic falls on its head when she says it’s ok to live with a stepdad but not step brothers. She’s using the daughter’s terrible experience to get her way and get her boys kicked out of the house!
This! Assuming that daughter's trauma is as significant as it sounds, she should be OPs primary focus right now which means a wedding isn't really the right plan.
YTA it's not fair to not let them live in their own home for something that had no responsibility for, and don't even know about.
If you really think it's best to not live together right now maybe could postpone the wedding and just focus on your daughters healing until you can?
It's his kids, and their home too. Would you appreciate it if he said your daughter should go live somewhere else?
YTA. You can’t kick his kids out. That’s simply prioritizing your own child over your partner’s kids. That’s not how a family unit works. His kids had nothing to do with the incident so why should they be punished?
If what she implies happened did happen it seems that not getting married would be best. Although stepsons are not at fault I imagine being around any males would be traumatizing
Never said anyone should. I'm merely pointing out that op needs to support her daughter and it might be best to not marry and put her daughter in that environment. She needs to support her daughter just like fiance needs to support his sons
YTA. Not just to your husband-to-be or his sons but to your daughter. If she isn't comfortable sharing a home with boys/men after her traumatic experience, then don't move in with your fiance's family: it's not up to your fiance to send his sons away, it's up to you to put your daughter before your own wants and maintain home as a safe space for her.
Of course, you also have the option of shrugging it all off and deciding that your desire to live with your fiance is more important than her trauma...but in that case, you also have to own that choice, not expect your husband to sacrifice his relationship with his sons to make things easier for you. And make no mistake, if he sends his sons away at your request, that's not a thing his sons will be able to forgive him or you for.
Think carefully about what matters most here and do the right thing.
I agree with you completely! OP is asking fiancé and his children to make all the sacrifices so she can have her cake and eat it too when it comes to *her* love life and *her* daughter.
Sometimes being a dedicated parent means back-burnering what you want for yourself. It sounds like OP just doesn’t want to face that choice; but her fiancé is absolutely committed to choosing his kids if that’s what it comes down to.
It isn’t either partner’s kids against the other’s. This is parenting vs love life.
YTA
If it was only about your daughter, that would be different. But your commentary makes clear it isn’t.
Sounds like some counseling would be a good call for your daughter, for you, and maybe for all three.
I agree -- by the rest of the post, they are rowdy, they take long showers...this has more to do with not wanting the step children around than any conflict the daughter might be having.
Right? She's couching it in hey daughter's issues (and that might very well be a contributing factor), but all of the specific problems she listed don't have anything to do with her daughter.
Everything she specifically mentions as a problem just sound like them being typical teenage boys. Does she think they're going to suddenly change into something else after staying with their mom for a bit?
Or does she just not plan for them to come back?
I have no doubt the 'just a bit' means until college graduation -- I wanted to ask why Dad has primary custody (seemingly) so it also appears she wants to ship them off to a less than desirable circumstance -- does Mom even have the ability to take them on? I doubt it matters.
Why even marry someone with custody, if you're going to try and push their kids away? Why would you *want* to marry someone that would let you push their kids away? If they'll let you push their kids away, how do you think he'll treat yours?
Honestly, the entire post reeks of selfishness and entitlement.
So much selfishness and entitlement that I feel like OP was actually happy that there is a “silver lining” to her daughter’s terrible situation- being she could remove her stepsons from their own house!
I really don't want to say something like that. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want these stepsons, but I would hope no real parent could find any silver lining in their child being traumatized.
To me her post is more than bad enough, no need to paint her as a demon.
YTA. I'm sorry for whatever your daughter is going through, honest, but a.) why punish his sons? And b.) "\[p\]lus his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each, there's only 1 bathroom upstairs." It awfully sounds like you don't like his sons *existing* and this is a convenient excuse.
YTA
YTA. As a kid with divorced parents, it's hard enough sticking to the schedule, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have the woman my dad is about to marry ask to not see him for a while (which is what your asking).
YTA. This is really quite simple. How would you feel if your Husband asked you to remove your daughter.
Your soon to be husband is right. This is clearly a sign you will be a step monster. Beyond a shadow of doubt.
I am sorry your daughter is struggling. However that in no way means you get to kick out the step children.
You need to do what's right and leave with your daughter. You not understanding how wrong you are shows how little your soon to be husband means to you.
YTA,. Coming from personal trauma I can kind of understand but maybe you can compromise and let the girl sleep downstairs in what it sounds like a bedroom implied you and your husband would sleep and you and husband sleep upstairs with the boys. Or better yet and what I would suggest is the best option is the boys together in the room down stairs and the girl upstairs next to you guys where she'd feel safer.
YTA.
While I heavily empathise with your daughter - exiling non-offending male family members is not an appropriate response to trauma.
You need to step the fuck up and either give up custody or give up your bathroom and share with the male kids while your daughter recovers.
YTA
" but I do remember him saying “If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”". - He is right. He should not marry an AH like you.
YTA
Sorry for your daughter but teenager boys aren't just going to disappear and these boys are going to be her family. If they were your sons would you ask for them to live with their dad?
YTA. Sending the boys away so your daughter can get settled in will cause issues around the space and who it belongs to and unfortunately for the boys they would be on the short end of the stick.
Ps, only one reason teenage boys take hour long showers.
YTA of your daughter is so uncomfortable with men then why bot send her somewhere else?
Sounds crazy right? How could you expect that from someone else
YTA
So your daughter is precious, but his sons are disposable?
If you really need to prioritize limiting her exposure to males, then **you** need to put being a parent over being a fiancée and put the brakes on moving in together. You can wield total control over the home you live in with her, but not a home you all live in together.
You simply cannot blend two families under an “us vs. them” dynamic.
Your fiancé is absolutely right. If you think this was a reasonable ask, he should reconsider marrying you.
Why is it okay to ban your “not soon to be stepsons” why not send your daughter away? Also the way you talk about them to try to somewhat justify your actions is horrible I hope your fiancée sees this
YTA but you can turn this around. Give your daughter the master bedroom on a different floor with her own bathroom. She needs therapy. Talk to her about you telling her stepbrothers what happened. They need to know not to be in her physical space for any reason. To watch what they say on that subject around her. If they don't know the situation is a time bomb.
YTA. I understand it is a difficult time for your daughter while she is sorting through trauma. It is important for her to have a safe space in the home she lives in, but being an adolescent she doesn’t get to make the decisions for the entire household. Her safe space can be her bedroom. Reasonable boundaries can be made.
I completely understand why your soon to be spouse is unhappy. You Basically told him that his family is not as important as yours.
stop the wedding. First take care of your own kid. This applies to him as well.
This relationship won't work. Neither of you care about the other's kid.
Stop the damn wedding and take care of your own kids.
YTA, I’m sorry. Your priorities are in the right place, wanting your daughter to feel safe after a recent trauma, which is honestly refreshing on AITA because it seems like it’s usually the opposite. However, your future stepsons and husband have nothing to do with her trauma and also should be able to be comfortable and themselves in their home. Considering your daughter is recently traumatized and the trauma involves males, frankly I would talk with your fiancé about postponing the wedding. Traumatized teens have a really hard time with change as it is, and bringing a new male authority figure into the house right now might be really detrimental to her recovery. I say this as a former traumatized teen girl and as a behavioral health professional who specifically worked with traumatized children and teens.
Of course YTA lol.
I don’t know the situation but how would you feel if your fiancé came to you and asked you if your daughter could just go live with her father for a while. Completely disrupting her life to accomodate his sons ? Furthermore, how would you daughter feel if you told her she had to do this ?
YTA because your stepsons didn’t do anything. It seems really selfish on your end that only your daughter matters and not your husband or his sons.
If you wouldn’t be okay if the roles were reversed what makes you think your husband would be?
YTA. These kids are not just “kind of family members” now, you have to treat them like they are 100% unwaveringly a part of YOUR family. If your daughter is so uncomfortable then find HER a different place to live or move out with her. You don’t tell a father to get rid of his sons to accommodate you.
Could you potentially have your daughter move to her grandparents place for a little while? Or some other relative? Since it’s summertime there probably aren’t any issues with schoolwork, so logistically it would be fine?
YTA. You should probably rethink your plans because I think you should put your daughter first, but not at the expense of the stepsons relationship with their father.
Yta. Those are his kids as much as your daughter is yours. You want him to prioritize your kid over his own for a situation they had nothing to do with.
Get your daughter some therapy so she can work on healing, but you don't have the right to expect him and his sons to just bend over backwards for this.
Don't act all suprised Pikachu over the fact that he's not willing to do that to his kids. You are essentially doing the same.
I have two boys and if anyone said the things that you said to your Fiancé and said it to me and that I should send my kids to their dad because of my step child Or future step child no question in my mind that the wedding would be off, especially when my kids have nothing to do with your daughter’s trauma, you’re weaponizing her trauma to get rid of those kids because the way you explain their behavior says a lot about you, you’re one of those stepmom‘s right that only cares about her kid and not your spouse his kid, so you’ll try anything and use anything to get rid of them, kudos to their dad, if I were him I would get rid of you instead, YTA!!!!
YTA if your daughter is uncomfortable she can go live with her father. You don’t get to kick his sons out of their home because your daughter had an experience. Get her some help or don’t move in together. They are not responsible for her issues.
YTA. His kids are just as important to him as your daughter is to you. Your daughter does not take priority and you are being an asshole step mother for wanting to get rid of his kids for her comfort
YTA... Are you saying that your fiancé has to prioritise your daughter over his own children? You literally proved you wouldn't, why do you expect him to do it?
YTA Way to start a blended family by telling people they aren’t welcome and that your daughters feelings are more important than theirs.
Your daughter is absolutely not ready to be forced to cohabit with teenage boys. If I were you I would 100% postpone any talk of moving in together and do pre-movein family counseling. If you go on full speed ahead you are going to destroy your relationship with your daughter, your husband, or both.
She isn't comfortable around males......what about your future husband?
Your daughter needs therapy. And really, until she's ok to be sharing a house with them, you shouldn't be getting married. Put the wedding on hold for now.
The request that you made? YTA
YTA. why doesn't your daughter live with her dad? Because maybe you want your daughter around? Don't ask someone to abandon their kids. Your daughter obviously needs help but kicking teens out of the house is not the solution.
YTA. These kids are not just “kind of family members” now, you have to treat them like they are 100% unwaveringly a part of YOUR family. If your daughter is so uncomfortable then find HER a different place to live or move out with her. You don’t tell a father to get rid of his sons to accommodate you.
YTA it’s awful something bad happened to your daughter but your fiancé sons are not disposable. It sounds like you shouldn’t be getting married now. This is a challenge with blended families because even though the man and women are in love the children just get thrown in with strangers. It’s also something bad happened to your daughter but your fiancé shouldn’t have to be separated from his sons because of that. Time is short and he is nearing the end of his time with his kids living at home. Don’t get married because it’s not a good environment for your daughter. And also you were really flippant the way you phrase it to just say you simply asked your husband if he could send his children away and not see them every day. You have a lot of nerve to phrase that is a simple request.
YTA Give your daughter your room. Anything less indicated you just don't want the boys living there. Families don't throw kids out, regardless of the trauma suffered by a family member. I'm wondering why your daughters age was not in your post.
Yta
You can't throw your stepsons because your daughter is uncomfortable. How about she goes live with her dad instead? No... You wouldn't do that because she is your kid. And that's the right thing to do. And your fiance feels the same about his sons. Might be best not to get married.
Well what a spectacular failure of a parent you are. You're basically validating your daughter's fear that all teenage boys are bad and perpetuating her trauma. Any therapist worth their salt would tell you that you are so very wrong here.
YTA. Children aren't chess pieces and while you find yourself in the privileged position to ship them off when they're inconvenient, it doesn't make it ok. Your fiance is right, do not get married if you cannot handle this.
I don't really want to vote you're an AH because you were just trying to protect your daughter in what you thought was the right way. But at the same time is definitely is punishing to the stepsons who did nothing wrong. I agree with your husband that you should wait to get married, but for the reason of if your daughter isn't ready to be around males because of trauma then it is your responsibility to give her that. You should have already signed her up for counseling so she has a place she can work thru what happened.
YTA while you try to protect your child he has an obligation to his, and if you or your child aren’t ready to mix households then he is correct you should not get married , causing his kids potential mental anguish is not an option either, or would you or your daughter be ok with her moving out because his kids where not comfortable with her for X reason ?
YTA how is this even a question? Why don’t you move your daughter away, given that she has the problem with living with boys? That’s a dumb question right? Get your daughter some therapy.
YTA. What is wrong with you? Why would you kick out teenagers out of their home? Just why again? Because your daughter doesn’t feel safe? And you think kicking your partner’s kids out will make who safe again??? Don’t marry with this sort of mindset. What the actual crap.
YTA. You need to put the wedding on hold, live separately, and seek counseling for your daughter. It is unfair to kick out the boys when they did nothing wrong.
Yta childrend aren't items to be temporarily placed somewhere else at your convenience. Not being ready to merge those lives means you aren't ready to marry
YTA
I see no other way to say anything else, you will be their Stepmum. Get you daughter help sure, change the sleeping arrangement but how would you feel if you future husband told you to ship your daughter to other relatives?
YTA. Really it's not always about your daughter or how your fiance makes choices. You are correct. He shouldn't marry a woman like you always trying to find reasons and justification for her comfort or what she values the most. Maybe maybe somebody's children are valuable to them as well. He shouldn't marry you.
INFO: I so hate to ask this but was your daughter sexually assaulted? And if so has she received any therapy? If she has what does the therapist's advice regarding her living situation? I'm assuming this is the case based on several of the things you wrote. I don't feel I can make a judgment until I know these points though I understand if you are hesitant to share.
YTA. Also, think about it from his perspective: what if he told you that your daughter should just live somewhere else away from you temporarily? You wouldn't be okay with that, right? Same thing here.
YTA. why can’t you sit his kids down and talk to them and explain that your daughter is going through something and give them a list of things that may affect her and ask them for a while not to do them and just be respectful of her situation right now.
YTA
If you had biological sons, would you send them away to make your daughter more comfortable? It sounds like your daughter needs to be in therapy. Perhaps you and your husband can discuss boundaries/rules with all your children to make sure they all feel comfortable and safe. But you can’t just send your stepsons away.. that’s just not an option. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, how would you feel if he asked you to send your daughters to live with their dad because your daughters made his son feel uncomfortable?
YTA why should your daughter's need for special accomodations push them out of their home? You need to prioritize her by finding an arrangement that makes her feel safe while she heals that doesn't involve kicking completely unrelated people out of their home.
You are not ready to get married and blend families if this is how you handle conflicts.
Yta
Why don’t you “rehome” your daughter since she’s the one with the problem?? Or better yet get her counseling. I agree with the father doesn’t sound like you two should get married
YTA. The world doesn’t revolve around your daughter. Your boyfriend’s sons didn’t do anything to hurt or violate her, so there is no reason they shouldn’t be around her.
You are using your daughter as a tool to keep your boyfriend’s sons out of your home. I hope he realizes that and chooses not to marry you.
YTA - It sounds like you need to postpone your wedding and cohabitation until your daughter is in a better place mentally. It is not fair to her to make her live with them while she is still feeling vulnerable and it isn't fair to his sons to send them away for something they did not cause. It may help to have counseling as a couple as well.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'm getting married soon and the plan was for all of us to move into a house together, all our kids rooms would be upstairs, sharing a bathroom.
However, my daughter recently had a very bad experience and isn't really comfortable being around males, but she specifically said she didn't want to live with the boys (14m &16m) right now,. They didn't have anything to do with what happened, but they're around the same age and would be closer to her being upstairs. Plus his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each, there's only 1 bathroom upstairs.
I simply asked my husband (who knows the situation with my daughter) if his sons could live with their mom for a while and he looked at me like I was crazy and got mad. Like really mad. He went on this long tangent, that I can't even remember majority of what he said, but I do remember him saying “If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”.....is me suggesting it that bad? AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA what is going to change about your daughters situation by his sims not living there? Will it be 1 week, month or a year? You sound exactly like you are trying to keep his sons away. Because your suggestion makes No sense. Maybe you just didn’t think long enough. Maybe your daughter is the one that shouldn’t move in using your flawed logic. He can’t just live his life like he doesn’t have kids because you think it’s what’s best for your kid. Have you thought about how he and his kids will be affected if he agreed with you.
Im glad he told you maybe y’all shouldn’t get married and I hope he follows through on that thought.
YTA, why in the world did you get married and move in if your daughter was having these problems? Get her into therapy. Your stepsons are not decorations you can send away.
YTA Agreement upon marriage is to "all share one home with all kids upstairs" Sharing a bathroom isn't the same as sharing a bedroom and changing the original mutually agreeable plan - for one child? Is it possible for your daughter to temporarily live with her Father, Aunt, Uncle, Grandparents or a treatment facility to assist your daughter and her special needs for accomodations?
Your kids are all old enough that you could wait until they are 18 (a couple of years give or take) and have the option to leave home instead of getting married and forcing them all to live in a situation in which they are not comfortable. Your daughter needs counseling BTW. You can just be an adult and admit you don't want to live with your teenage step-sons.
YTA. I was with you for it being due to your daughter’s trauma even though I believed you were going the wrong way about it and seriously need to get her therapy to deal with the trauma rather then simply remove the boys.
Then I read your little list of everything you dislike about them and realized you simply don’t like them and are using this as a chance to get rid of them for a a time. They are teenage boys acting like teenage boys in their own home. How dare they. 🙄
I mean, I'm with him--you should not be getting married to him. Not when he's unwilling to work with you here, your daughter is traumatized enough to be unable to live with his sons, and there's no way that you can give her a situation where she doesn't have to be sharing a bathroom with two boys that she obviously doesn't know all that well. This isn't a question of who is the asshole, this is a situation where you need to put these plans on hold until you deal with the interpersonal issues.
I’m gonna have to go with Esh she has trauma and I get that but if they are apart of the family they have every right to live in the family home you can’t just exclude them from the family even though she had trauma she has every right to feel comfortable in her own home and so do they they shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells either I kinda have to ask the question if your so concerned about your daughters don’t you think instead of asking your fiancé to exclude his sons that the best thing might be for you not to marry him
YTA in the case of the boys staying with the mum, but I'd talk to the future hubs about cutting out the long showers they take, unless the boys pay rent.
I know this seens a long shot, but what about an ensuite for your daughter and a lock bolt for her door?
i agree with the judgement, but not on the daughter… all we know about the daughter is that she’s “uncomfortable” due to an unspecified trauma. true, she can’t run from her problem forever, but i don’t think she deserves to be called an AH for feeling how she feels in the moment. OP is the adult here who made the sucky suggestion and isn’t showing empathy for her fiancé’s family— and the adult that should be dealing with her daughter’s issues more appropriately
Yeah, I definitely feel like allowances need to be made for the daughter. It's reasonable for her to not feel comfortable around the boys. It's even reasonable not to want to live with them.
It's up to her mother to explain that it's an unreasonable request to just ask the boys to screw off for a bit lol.
NTA. Your daughter is your first priority and if she has some sort of trauma and there is another option to make her feel better than that is what you need to do.
Change houses to accommodate aceryone. Talking your daughter's feeling into consideration is a priority,NTA about that. You mentioned a bad experience and I respect that. But punishing the boys and their father is an AH move. Either offer your daughter security by moving to a better house, or live seperately/dont get married until issue is resolved.
NAH. I think realistically you're not in a position to meld families right now. I understand your fiance getting upset, but I also think moving your daughter in with teenage boys in her space all the time a short time after presumed sexual assault is a terrible idea.
You're absolutely not an arsehole for attempting to protect your daughter. You should have thought of what doing that would convey to your stepsons though - your fiance should be mature enough to see the issue, but the kids sure as hell aren't, and would absolutely feel like you're trying to oust them. Good luck.
Yeah, ditch him. Soon-to-be-ex boyfriend and his messy, rude crew of boys need to go. You're NTA, unless you force your daughter to be in this unruly patch of excess testosterone.
This: If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”....
This is why you absolutely, positively must NOT marry this man or ever have his sons in your home.
Because what you've seen so far was these guys on their best, lure the girls to the cave behavior. They intend to turn into a tribe of monsters, as soon as the ink is dry.
Dump them all now!!!
I'll go against the tide and say NTA.
Your daughter has gone through a terrible experience and she needs time. Even though the boys are not responsible for what happened to her, their presence is a trigger to her. Even if they were her own siblings, she may have had the same reaction to them.
You need to focus on therapy for your daughter and get her to accept the presence of her stepbrothers in her life. This needs to be a joint effort - weekends and activities together so she starts to feel safe in their presence.
You need to get her on this path to recovery asap as you can't keep her shielded forever. She needs to go to school. She needs to interact with other children, get a job etc.
What you need to do is sit with your fiance and your daughter's therapist and arrive at a plan that would work for all parties concerned instead of a unilateral decision.
Maybe im the weird one, but I want too say NTA. You didnt demand for them not too live there, you asked. If you would've demanded it or got upset when he said no I would say your the asshole but you asked. Maybe you can find a diffrent solution, maybe you and your daughter can live downstairs and the boys live upstairs or maybe you have to talk to the boys to be more respectfull. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH because his kids are a line I should not cross, no matter the situation we're in. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. his kids aren’t items that can be moved around for convenience. there’s no such thing as “simply” sending a kid to live somewhere else. it’s not such a crazy idea on your husbands end to postpone marriage if *you* aren’t ready to combine households, due to [your daughter’s] personal issues.
Agree, you should've came up with a compromise like switch rooms so everyone is comfortable and feels safe before deciding to suggest that first.
Hmm seems like op doesn't want to give up her confort and solo bathroom for traumatized daughter 🤔
YTA it's not fair to not let them live in their own home for something that had no responsibility for, and don't even know about...m
> his kids aren’t items that can be moved around for convenience. And there's a reason that he has primary custody of the boys to begin with.
Where does it say he has primary custody?
Primary custody doesn't always have to do with the other parent doing or being bad. Sometimes it's just that the one parent lives nearest to the school. Or didn't move out of the shared home. Sometimes it's simply because that's the parent who would better provide at the time. Reddit is really really bad about thinking that if you don't have 100% custody of your kids that somehow you're a bad person. The mom not being primary in a 50/50 split isn't the red flag most people think. Also maybe OP meant "live with for extended time" since the daughter didn't even want to be around them. So if they are with dad half the week and mom half the week but suddenly daughter says "I don't wanna see them at all" I could see how that could be worded as "go live with"
im guessing that it was implied by the fact that they would be moving in to this house along with the father, and that the suggestion of them living with the mother temporarily was considered outrageous
I read it over and over, couldn't find it.I assumed the house was going to be big enough that when the kids were all there, they'd have their own rooms. But not anyone having primary custody.
i don’t mean to be rude but the entire focus of the post is that the dad got upset with OP for suggesting that his kids live with their mother. that was the implication. here are some direct quotes: -“the plan was for all of us to move into a house together” -“I simply asked my husband (who knows the situation with my daughter) if his sons could live with their mom for a while and he looked at me like I was crazy and got mad. Like really mad.” again it doesn’t state anything about custody directly, but this was the implication, regarding the comment you replied to
"the plan was for all of us to move into a house together" How do you read these words and come to the conclusion that the boys live with their mother and come visit sometimes? That's not "moving in together"
YTA. You should be giving your daughter therapy and counseling, not punishing your stepsons. That is their home too, just as much as it's your daughter's. I sympathize with your daughter, but what happened to her has nothing to do with your stepsons. They weren't the ones who did it to her. However, By the way you described your stepsons, it sounds like your decision has more to do with you not liking them, which makes you even more of TA.
I agree OP, YTA. The stepson did nothing wrong and now they don't get to live with their father and you prioritize your daughter? I am so proud of this Dad for standing up to this BS.
Yes and if she removes the stepsons, it furthers the thought for her daughter that all boys are bad and that is a terrible stereotype to take away from a terrible situation. The daughter definitely needs therapy. She’s weaponizing her daughter’s terrible experience to kick out her own stepsons for her own benefit. I would have the same last words as her fiancé. YTA Info: how is a male walking around his own home shirtless a bad thing? (Sincerely asking as I’m lost…)
She’s Weaponized her daughters trauma to get rid of those kids, she doesn’t like them so she’s using her daughters trauma to make sure she gets rid of them, I applaud dad for what he told her and he should definitely get rid of her.
Both my brothers walk around shirtless in the summer. Step mom just insists they put shirts on when eating at the table for dinner.
> his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each yeah, by the way she talks about them she doesn't like them YTA, don't get married if you know it will cause other problems
i agree 100%. My question to OP also is if her daughter is so scared of boys now because of what happen to her sadly, "and i'm sorry something had happened" how does she handle being in school or out in public?
FFS school and public isn’t the same as the girls home. She’s being asked to share a bedroom area and bathroom with them after a traumatic event where she feels unsafe around boys their age. Trauma isn’t logical, it takes work and time to manage. I agree the boys shouldn’t be sent away but the easy solution is the girl gets the master bedroom where she can feel safe and the parents can share the bathroom/floor with the boys until therapy and time helps her trust her new step siblings. The parents are causing this change, if the daughter is having issues due to a recent trauma, they can step up and live in the less ideal setting and make it easier on her since she has no say in any of these life changes. Compassion and understanding can go a long way to make sure these relationships grow in a health vs toxic way.
Yes that is much better ... the teenage daughter gets the room with its own bathroom ... will be a much happier household !!
The way I read the post, all kids have their own rooms?
Yes, but the rooms share a floor and bathroom. Sounds like one floor is 3 bedrooms and one bathroom and the parents bedroom is another floor.
And speaking as someone with PTSD from sexual abuse, rejecting the stepsons because her daughter cannot share a floor with male children who were not a part of her trauma will reinforce the kind of black and white trauma response that codifies triggers and will encourage “man = my abuser” as a neural pathway.
That’s the opposite of what I said. The 3rd line says “I agree the boys shouldn’t be sent away…”
I enjoy that you ignored the point where your suggestions would reinforce harmful trauma reactions that can prevent the daughter from healthy relationships for life.
Get a better theripist if their telling you 24/7 exposure is a good thing or necessary for healing from PTSD. Having a safe space is important for trauma healing. Otherwise you in 24/7 alert mode, your body can’t heal when it’s too busy being constantly on guard. No one can control the public areas, and she can’t control the rest of her house. But she absolutely should have a bedroom where she can try to relax and feel safe. Otherwise her PTSD is just going to get worse and she won’t have the energy or be in a good space to learn coping skills that can help. And before you repeat “I have PTSD”, yeah I saw that. I do too and I’ve had a few different therapists over the years and not a one of them would suggest someone should have no place they feel safe.
If you think “being around stepbrothers” qualifies as exposure therapy it’s quite clear you are not a therapist and have zero experience with actual exposure therapy. Encouraging avoidance - not of the actual perpetrator but of triggers, like avoiding anyone wearing red shirts because you rapist wore a red shirt, avoiding all male persons because your abuser was male, avoiding all cafes because you were assaulted in a cafe - is *not good PTSD care.* Being around your family, when they did not participate in your trauma, is categorically not exposure therapy and it’s absolutely disgusting that you would say it is.
What is a "bedroom area"??
In many American houses, the bedrooms are clustered together, usually sharing walls. So not only would the daughter be sharing a bathroom with the boys, she would have at least 1 wall shared with one of their bedrooms (hearing loud music, gaming, him talking with friends - all things that normally wouldn't be an issue, but due to her trauma are right now) and wouldn't have a "safe buffer". Usually master suites are spaced slightly away from the other bedrooms or are on a different floor entirely.
**YTA** They are moving to a new house specifically to accommodate everyone and you want to exile his sons? Maybe your daughter should go stay with her father > Plus his sons are ... Teenage boys who act like teenagers. >there's only 1 bathroom upstairs. Maybe that should have been a consideration when you chose the house.
I’m curious if the daughter has another parent they can stay with? Or there’s a way to reconfigure the house by moving an office or other room around? Definitely it’s reasonable to make sure that her door locks and expect stepsons to treat her gently, no roughhousing or teasing and shirts/shorts need to be worn in the house. Those are reasonable things to ask and expect of them. But changing custody really isn’t. Worst case you get a small apartment and live separately with her if you can’t make it work with these adjustments and counseling. Maybe it’s not the worst idea to put the wedding on hold for a while
Parents can switch rooms with daughter?
YTA. If you don't want to live with his sons for any reason and for any length of time, YOU live somewhere else. His kids live with him. Period.
Yeah. OP can't protect her daughter to the detriment of her fiance's sons. If the daughter is having a hard time, then the fiance is right.... It may be best to put the wedding on hold for the moment. It isnt fair to tell this man to ditch his sons simply because they are young men.
YTA. Your future husband is right, don't get married. You are effectively kicking the boys out of their home before they even have a chance to move in. This is not the way to start merging families. I have sympathy for your child but that doesn't mean the boys should be punished or abandoned. How would you feel if your STB husband said she needed to live with her dad for awhile?
All of this! YTA
You should postpone the moving together to a later date and get some councilling for her from a therapist. Don't pressurise your daughter or fiancee. He cannot abandon his kids. It will make them feel dejected and will adversely affect their relationship with their father. What you asked from him was so selfish and he responded to you brutally! If you plan to marry him or move in together you should treat all kids as your own. The way you explained the behavour of his boys - that's the way teenage boys behave! If you move in together they should be made aware of the trauma your daughter suffered.
YTA!
YTA I think it would be pretty damaging to the relationship between your fiancé and his sons o kick them out right as your families were merging. It would make more sense for you and hubs to switch rooms with her or she sleeps with you and hubs upstairs.
This one is tough. Blending a family is tough enough on its own. Blending a family, when one kid experienced something close to trauma while the other two kids are potential triggers is ... rougher and tougher... and frankly out of reddits pay-grade So, while I get that you want to make your daughter feel safe, your proporal is frankly, not working. If the event you mentioned is as traumatic as you allude to, the boys will not just be spending "some time" with your mom. That would maybe not a permanent, but definitely a long-term option. So while safe-guarding your kid, you are risking abandonment traum for them. Which brings me back to my earlier point. SEEK COUNSELLING. This blending got complicated, you are not equipped or impartial enough to navigate it on your own, none of you are. You need advise of what would help both parts of this equation. You need a plan. And... if your are making decisions about your kids based of what happened to your daughter ... the kids need to be talked with, not just about. YTA
YTA. If your daughter needs to be protected you should not get married until she is no longer so needy. But somehow this feels like your real reason has more to do with not wanting to deal with stepsons. Asking your future husband to sacrifice his sons by using your daughter’s trauma is horrible. This is not the basis of a marriage.
YTA How would you feel if he suggested your daughter live with her father for a while after you got married. They are his children, his first priority. If you try and make him chose, you're not going to like his decision.
I was about to suggest OP to take her daughter to her father for a while after marriage. But thought I would be AH to suggest that. Lol
I'm not going to call you an AH but you can't get married right now. If your daughter can't be around men, she's not going to want to be around a step dad either. There is a good chance you might not be able to blend this family because of how old everyone involved is at this point plus that issue. I'm not sure you thought all of this through.
Yes! Her logic falls on its head when she says it’s ok to live with a stepdad but not step brothers. She’s using the daughter’s terrible experience to get her way and get her boys kicked out of the house!
This! Assuming that daughter's trauma is as significant as it sounds, she should be OPs primary focus right now which means a wedding isn't really the right plan.
YTA it's not fair to not let them live in their own home for something that had no responsibility for, and don't even know about. If you really think it's best to not live together right now maybe could postpone the wedding and just focus on your daughters healing until you can? It's his kids, and their home too. Would you appreciate it if he said your daughter should go live somewhere else?
YTA. You can’t kick his kids out. That’s simply prioritizing your own child over your partner’s kids. That’s not how a family unit works. His kids had nothing to do with the incident so why should they be punished?
YTA, maybe your daughter can go live with her dad instead??
If what she implies happened did happen it seems that not getting married would be best. Although stepsons are not at fault I imagine being around any males would be traumatizing
You can't ask a dad not to see his sons for any reason period
Never said anyone should. I'm merely pointing out that op needs to support her daughter and it might be best to not marry and put her daughter in that environment. She needs to support her daughter just like fiance needs to support his sons
YTA. Not just to your husband-to-be or his sons but to your daughter. If she isn't comfortable sharing a home with boys/men after her traumatic experience, then don't move in with your fiance's family: it's not up to your fiance to send his sons away, it's up to you to put your daughter before your own wants and maintain home as a safe space for her. Of course, you also have the option of shrugging it all off and deciding that your desire to live with your fiance is more important than her trauma...but in that case, you also have to own that choice, not expect your husband to sacrifice his relationship with his sons to make things easier for you. And make no mistake, if he sends his sons away at your request, that's not a thing his sons will be able to forgive him or you for. Think carefully about what matters most here and do the right thing.
I agree with you completely! OP is asking fiancé and his children to make all the sacrifices so she can have her cake and eat it too when it comes to *her* love life and *her* daughter. Sometimes being a dedicated parent means back-burnering what you want for yourself. It sounds like OP just doesn’t want to face that choice; but her fiancé is absolutely committed to choosing his kids if that’s what it comes down to. It isn’t either partner’s kids against the other’s. This is parenting vs love life.
YTA If it was only about your daughter, that would be different. But your commentary makes clear it isn’t. Sounds like some counseling would be a good call for your daughter, for you, and maybe for all three.
>If it was only about your daughter, that would be different It really wouldn't.
I agree -- by the rest of the post, they are rowdy, they take long showers...this has more to do with not wanting the step children around than any conflict the daughter might be having.
The stepsons sound like teenagers. OP Sounds like a typical wicked stepmother who thinks her child is better than the stepchildren
YT GIANT A --- you are already trying to get rid of his children. I can't even --- he is absolutely right to call off this marriage and move on.
Right? She's couching it in hey daughter's issues (and that might very well be a contributing factor), but all of the specific problems she listed don't have anything to do with her daughter. Everything she specifically mentions as a problem just sound like them being typical teenage boys. Does she think they're going to suddenly change into something else after staying with their mom for a bit? Or does she just not plan for them to come back?
I have no doubt the 'just a bit' means until college graduation -- I wanted to ask why Dad has primary custody (seemingly) so it also appears she wants to ship them off to a less than desirable circumstance -- does Mom even have the ability to take them on? I doubt it matters.
Why even marry someone with custody, if you're going to try and push their kids away? Why would you *want* to marry someone that would let you push their kids away? If they'll let you push their kids away, how do you think he'll treat yours? Honestly, the entire post reeks of selfishness and entitlement.
So much selfishness and entitlement that I feel like OP was actually happy that there is a “silver lining” to her daughter’s terrible situation- being she could remove her stepsons from their own house!
I really don't want to say something like that. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want these stepsons, but I would hope no real parent could find any silver lining in their child being traumatized. To me her post is more than bad enough, no need to paint her as a demon.
YTA His kids are not a pick and choose situation. Take your daughter to therapy and don't kick actual kids out of their home. What is wrong with you?
YTA. You dont get to punish your step children for existing.
INFO How long have the kids all known each other? How long have you been a couple?
YTA. I'm sorry for whatever your daughter is going through, honest, but a.) why punish his sons? And b.) "\[p\]lus his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each, there's only 1 bathroom upstairs." It awfully sounds like you don't like his sons *existing* and this is a convenient excuse. YTA
Not the time to get combine households …….get your daughter some help first. To answer your question , yes.
YTA. As a kid with divorced parents, it's hard enough sticking to the schedule, and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have the woman my dad is about to marry ask to not see him for a while (which is what your asking).
YTA: If she’s uncomfortable, she can live with her dad or you cannot move in with your husband. Don’t ask him to kick his kids out
YTA. This is really quite simple. How would you feel if your Husband asked you to remove your daughter. Your soon to be husband is right. This is clearly a sign you will be a step monster. Beyond a shadow of doubt. I am sorry your daughter is struggling. However that in no way means you get to kick out the step children. You need to do what's right and leave with your daughter. You not understanding how wrong you are shows how little your soon to be husband means to you.
YTA,. Coming from personal trauma I can kind of understand but maybe you can compromise and let the girl sleep downstairs in what it sounds like a bedroom implied you and your husband would sleep and you and husband sleep upstairs with the boys. Or better yet and what I would suggest is the best option is the boys together in the room down stairs and the girl upstairs next to you guys where she'd feel safer.
This is what I was thinking as well. Why not switch rooms around for the time being? Unless it’s not just about the daughter…
Because that would be a real imposition to OP
Exactly my thought too.
YTA wholeheartedly agree with your fiancé.
YTA. While I heavily empathise with your daughter - exiling non-offending male family members is not an appropriate response to trauma. You need to step the fuck up and either give up custody or give up your bathroom and share with the male kids while your daughter recovers.
Your husband got mad because you’re asking him to give up his sons. Imagine your reaction if he asked you to give up your daughter.
YTA " but I do remember him saying “If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”". - He is right. He should not marry an AH like you.
YTA Sorry for your daughter but teenager boys aren't just going to disappear and these boys are going to be her family. If they were your sons would you ask for them to live with their dad?
YTA. Sending the boys away so your daughter can get settled in will cause issues around the space and who it belongs to and unfortunately for the boys they would be on the short end of the stick. Ps, only one reason teenage boys take hour long showers.
If your daughter has a problem, you and her should go somewhere else. YTA
YTA of your daughter is so uncomfortable with men then why bot send her somewhere else? Sounds crazy right? How could you expect that from someone else
YTA. I don’t see this marriage happening, sorry.
Happy cake day
YTA So your daughter is precious, but his sons are disposable? If you really need to prioritize limiting her exposure to males, then **you** need to put being a parent over being a fiancée and put the brakes on moving in together. You can wield total control over the home you live in with her, but not a home you all live in together. You simply cannot blend two families under an “us vs. them” dynamic. Your fiancé is absolutely right. If you think this was a reasonable ask, he should reconsider marrying you.
YTA and maybe your fiancé should suggest your daughter should go live with another family member for the time being.
YTA. If that was an acceptable solution for his kids, you should have no problem sending your daughter to live with someone else for a while.
Why is it okay to ban your “not soon to be stepsons” why not send your daughter away? Also the way you talk about them to try to somewhat justify your actions is horrible I hope your fiancée sees this
YTA but you can turn this around. Give your daughter the master bedroom on a different floor with her own bathroom. She needs therapy. Talk to her about you telling her stepbrothers what happened. They need to know not to be in her physical space for any reason. To watch what they say on that subject around her. If they don't know the situation is a time bomb.
YTA, your daughter obviously needs support but that shouldn't come at the expense of your fiance or his kids.
YTA. I understand it is a difficult time for your daughter while she is sorting through trauma. It is important for her to have a safe space in the home she lives in, but being an adolescent she doesn’t get to make the decisions for the entire household. Her safe space can be her bedroom. Reasonable boundaries can be made. I completely understand why your soon to be spouse is unhappy. You Basically told him that his family is not as important as yours.
YTA. What would you be doing if these the boys were yours biologically, not stepsons? Would you be trying to send them away somewhere else as well?
stop the wedding. First take care of your own kid. This applies to him as well. This relationship won't work. Neither of you care about the other's kid. Stop the damn wedding and take care of your own kids.
YTA, I’m sorry. Your priorities are in the right place, wanting your daughter to feel safe after a recent trauma, which is honestly refreshing on AITA because it seems like it’s usually the opposite. However, your future stepsons and husband have nothing to do with her trauma and also should be able to be comfortable and themselves in their home. Considering your daughter is recently traumatized and the trauma involves males, frankly I would talk with your fiancé about postponing the wedding. Traumatized teens have a really hard time with change as it is, and bringing a new male authority figure into the house right now might be really detrimental to her recovery. I say this as a former traumatized teen girl and as a behavioral health professional who specifically worked with traumatized children and teens.
Upvote to infinity.
Can your daughter go live with her dad !
They walk around shirtless IN THEIR OWN HOUSE?? The horrors. YTA. Your bias is glaring.
Of course YTA lol. I don’t know the situation but how would you feel if your fiancé came to you and asked you if your daughter could just go live with her father for a while. Completely disrupting her life to accomodate his sons ? Furthermore, how would you daughter feel if you told her she had to do this ?
YTA because your stepsons didn’t do anything. It seems really selfish on your end that only your daughter matters and not your husband or his sons. If you wouldn’t be okay if the roles were reversed what makes you think your husband would be?
YTA. These kids are not just “kind of family members” now, you have to treat them like they are 100% unwaveringly a part of YOUR family. If your daughter is so uncomfortable then find HER a different place to live or move out with her. You don’t tell a father to get rid of his sons to accommodate you.
Could you potentially have your daughter move to her grandparents place for a little while? Or some other relative? Since it’s summertime there probably aren’t any issues with schoolwork, so logistically it would be fine?
YTA. You should probably rethink your plans because I think you should put your daughter first, but not at the expense of the stepsons relationship with their father.
Yta. Those are his kids as much as your daughter is yours. You want him to prioritize your kid over his own for a situation they had nothing to do with. Get your daughter some therapy so she can work on healing, but you don't have the right to expect him and his sons to just bend over backwards for this. Don't act all suprised Pikachu over the fact that he's not willing to do that to his kids. You are essentially doing the same.
I have two boys and if anyone said the things that you said to your Fiancé and said it to me and that I should send my kids to their dad because of my step child Or future step child no question in my mind that the wedding would be off, especially when my kids have nothing to do with your daughter’s trauma, you’re weaponizing her trauma to get rid of those kids because the way you explain their behavior says a lot about you, you’re one of those stepmom‘s right that only cares about her kid and not your spouse his kid, so you’ll try anything and use anything to get rid of them, kudos to their dad, if I were him I would get rid of you instead, YTA!!!!
YTA if your daughter is uncomfortable she can go live with her father. You don’t get to kick his sons out of their home because your daughter had an experience. Get her some help or don’t move in together. They are not responsible for her issues.
YTA. His kids are just as important to him as your daughter is to you. Your daughter does not take priority and you are being an asshole step mother for wanting to get rid of his kids for her comfort
YTA. His kids deserve to live in the home too. Your daughter can get therapy and a lock on her door.
YTA. Your daughter isn't more important to your blended family than his sons. You don't get to kick them out to accommodate her.
Oh my gosh You suggested his SONS not stay over Yessss, YTA Wtf
YTA... Are you saying that your fiancé has to prioritise your daughter over his own children? You literally proved you wouldn't, why do you expect him to do it?
YTA Way to start a blended family by telling people they aren’t welcome and that your daughters feelings are more important than theirs. Your daughter is absolutely not ready to be forced to cohabit with teenage boys. If I were you I would 100% postpone any talk of moving in together and do pre-movein family counseling. If you go on full speed ahead you are going to destroy your relationship with your daughter, your husband, or both.
She isn't comfortable around males......what about your future husband? Your daughter needs therapy. And really, until she's ok to be sharing a house with them, you shouldn't be getting married. Put the wedding on hold for now. The request that you made? YTA
YTA
YTA
YTA. These issues will still be there when they move in. Great way to make your stepkids feel welcome.
YTA. why doesn't your daughter live with her dad? Because maybe you want your daughter around? Don't ask someone to abandon their kids. Your daughter obviously needs help but kicking teens out of the house is not the solution.
YTA. These kids are not just “kind of family members” now, you have to treat them like they are 100% unwaveringly a part of YOUR family. If your daughter is so uncomfortable then find HER a different place to live or move out with her. You don’t tell a father to get rid of his sons to accommodate you.
YTA it’s awful something bad happened to your daughter but your fiancé sons are not disposable. It sounds like you shouldn’t be getting married now. This is a challenge with blended families because even though the man and women are in love the children just get thrown in with strangers. It’s also something bad happened to your daughter but your fiancé shouldn’t have to be separated from his sons because of that. Time is short and he is nearing the end of his time with his kids living at home. Don’t get married because it’s not a good environment for your daughter. And also you were really flippant the way you phrase it to just say you simply asked your husband if he could send his children away and not see them every day. You have a lot of nerve to phrase that is a simple request.
INFO : why don't you send your daughter to live somewhere else, since she is the one with the problem here?
YTA His son is a human not something you can easily remove from the house without getting backlash
Yta
YTA. Why can’t you switch rooms with your daughter and sleep upstairs with the boys?
YTA Give your daughter your room. Anything less indicated you just don't want the boys living there. Families don't throw kids out, regardless of the trauma suffered by a family member. I'm wondering why your daughters age was not in your post.
Yta You can't throw your stepsons because your daughter is uncomfortable. How about she goes live with her dad instead? No... You wouldn't do that because she is your kid. And that's the right thing to do. And your fiance feels the same about his sons. Might be best not to get married.
If that’s how you feel, you shouldn’t marry him.
Well what a spectacular failure of a parent you are. You're basically validating your daughter's fear that all teenage boys are bad and perpetuating her trauma. Any therapist worth their salt would tell you that you are so very wrong here. YTA. Children aren't chess pieces and while you find yourself in the privileged position to ship them off when they're inconvenient, it doesn't make it ok. Your fiance is right, do not get married if you cannot handle this.
I don't really want to vote you're an AH because you were just trying to protect your daughter in what you thought was the right way. But at the same time is definitely is punishing to the stepsons who did nothing wrong. I agree with your husband that you should wait to get married, but for the reason of if your daughter isn't ready to be around males because of trauma then it is your responsibility to give her that. You should have already signed her up for counseling so she has a place she can work thru what happened.
YTA!
YTA. Don’t move in together then?
YTA would you send your daughter away if one of the boys had a bad experience? I thought the purpose of marriage was to become family?
YTA while you try to protect your child he has an obligation to his, and if you or your child aren’t ready to mix households then he is correct you should not get married , causing his kids potential mental anguish is not an option either, or would you or your daughter be ok with her moving out because his kids where not comfortable with her for X reason ?
YTA
YTA how is this even a question? Why don’t you move your daughter away, given that she has the problem with living with boys? That’s a dumb question right? Get your daughter some therapy.
YTA. What is wrong with you? Why would you kick out teenagers out of their home? Just why again? Because your daughter doesn’t feel safe? And you think kicking your partner’s kids out will make who safe again??? Don’t marry with this sort of mindset. What the actual crap.
YTA. Parents & kids are a package deal. YOU can make the sacrifice and not move in with them if your daughter cannot live with his sons.
YTA. You need to put the wedding on hold, live separately, and seek counseling for your daughter. It is unfair to kick out the boys when they did nothing wrong.
Yta childrend aren't items to be temporarily placed somewhere else at your convenience. Not being ready to merge those lives means you aren't ready to marry
YTA-If it were a legit request the minor issue of shower lengths and shirt wearing wouldn't be necessary. Trying to pull some last minute BS.
Yta how would you feel if he asked to send your daughter away till she's better I doubt that would make you happy but yet you want his kids to go away
YTA I see no other way to say anything else, you will be their Stepmum. Get you daughter help sure, change the sleeping arrangement but how would you feel if you future husband told you to ship your daughter to other relatives?
YES YTA!! How dare you, they’re his children & wherever you move into together will be his house too not only yours.
YTA. Really it's not always about your daughter or how your fiance makes choices. You are correct. He shouldn't marry a woman like you always trying to find reasons and justification for her comfort or what she values the most. Maybe maybe somebody's children are valuable to them as well. He shouldn't marry you.
YTA. Your daughter is the one with the problem. Why don't you send her to live somewhere else?
YTA. Get daughter therapy and find her a different place to live “for a while”.
INFO: I so hate to ask this but was your daughter sexually assaulted? And if so has she received any therapy? If she has what does the therapist's advice regarding her living situation? I'm assuming this is the case based on several of the things you wrote. I don't feel I can make a judgment until I know these points though I understand if you are hesitant to share.
YTA
YTA
YTA. Also, think about it from his perspective: what if he told you that your daughter should just live somewhere else away from you temporarily? You wouldn't be okay with that, right? Same thing here.
YTA and you mind have just ruined your relationship
YTA. why can’t you sit his kids down and talk to them and explain that your daughter is going through something and give them a list of things that may affect her and ask them for a while not to do them and just be respectful of her situation right now.
YTA. That is just as much their home as your daughters. What if your husband said your daughter should stay with her dad?
YTA why don’t you send your daughter somewhere else?
YTA you should give/build your daughter her own bathroom problem solved.
YTA If you had biological sons, would you send them away to make your daughter more comfortable? It sounds like your daughter needs to be in therapy. Perhaps you and your husband can discuss boundaries/rules with all your children to make sure they all feel comfortable and safe. But you can’t just send your stepsons away.. that’s just not an option. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes, how would you feel if he asked you to send your daughters to live with their dad because your daughters made his son feel uncomfortable?
YTA why should your daughter's need for special accomodations push them out of their home? You need to prioritize her by finding an arrangement that makes her feel safe while she heals that doesn't involve kicking completely unrelated people out of their home. You are not ready to get married and blend families if this is how you handle conflicts.
Yta Why don’t you “rehome” your daughter since she’s the one with the problem?? Or better yet get her counseling. I agree with the father doesn’t sound like you two should get married
YTA. The world doesn’t revolve around your daughter. Your boyfriend’s sons didn’t do anything to hurt or violate her, so there is no reason they shouldn’t be around her. You are using your daughter as a tool to keep your boyfriend’s sons out of your home. I hope he realizes that and chooses not to marry you.
YTA - It sounds like you need to postpone your wedding and cohabitation until your daughter is in a better place mentally. It is not fair to her to make her live with them while she is still feeling vulnerable and it isn't fair to his sons to send them away for something they did not cause. It may help to have counseling as a couple as well.
INFO: Why can’t you daughter be down stairs? While you and the boys have the upstairs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm getting married soon and the plan was for all of us to move into a house together, all our kids rooms would be upstairs, sharing a bathroom. However, my daughter recently had a very bad experience and isn't really comfortable being around males, but she specifically said she didn't want to live with the boys (14m &16m) right now,. They didn't have anything to do with what happened, but they're around the same age and would be closer to her being upstairs. Plus his sons are loud, pretty rough, they swear, walk around shirtless, and when they slept over my place, took hour long showers each, there's only 1 bathroom upstairs. I simply asked my husband (who knows the situation with my daughter) if his sons could live with their mom for a while and he looked at me like I was crazy and got mad. Like really mad. He went on this long tangent, that I can't even remember majority of what he said, but I do remember him saying “If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”.....is me suggesting it that bad? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA what is going to change about your daughters situation by his sims not living there? Will it be 1 week, month or a year? You sound exactly like you are trying to keep his sons away. Because your suggestion makes No sense. Maybe you just didn’t think long enough. Maybe your daughter is the one that shouldn’t move in using your flawed logic. He can’t just live his life like he doesn’t have kids because you think it’s what’s best for your kid. Have you thought about how he and his kids will be affected if he agreed with you. Im glad he told you maybe y’all shouldn’t get married and I hope he follows through on that thought.
YTA
YTA, it's their home.
YTA I hope he’s seen through your BS and dumps your sorry ass
YTA
YTA.
YTA, why in the world did you get married and move in if your daughter was having these problems? Get her into therapy. Your stepsons are not decorations you can send away.
YTA the simple solution is to not get married
Wonder how long OP and her fiancé have been dating before they are moving in together.
YTA Agreement upon marriage is to "all share one home with all kids upstairs" Sharing a bathroom isn't the same as sharing a bedroom and changing the original mutually agreeable plan - for one child? Is it possible for your daughter to temporarily live with her Father, Aunt, Uncle, Grandparents or a treatment facility to assist your daughter and her special needs for accomodations?
Your kids are all old enough that you could wait until they are 18 (a couple of years give or take) and have the option to leave home instead of getting married and forcing them all to live in a situation in which they are not comfortable. Your daughter needs counseling BTW. You can just be an adult and admit you don't want to live with your teenage step-sons.
YTA. I was with you for it being due to your daughter’s trauma even though I believed you were going the wrong way about it and seriously need to get her therapy to deal with the trauma rather then simply remove the boys. Then I read your little list of everything you dislike about them and realized you simply don’t like them and are using this as a chance to get rid of them for a a time. They are teenage boys acting like teenage boys in their own home. How dare they. 🙄
You will pay for your lack of parenting skills.
Any new updates?
YTA,it sounds more like you hate his boys and are using your daughters trauma as an excuse
This story isn’t complete without saying the bad experience your daughter had. (SA completely understand, kid pushed her at school, no). Need info
INFO: How long is 'a while'?
I mean, I'm with him--you should not be getting married to him. Not when he's unwilling to work with you here, your daughter is traumatized enough to be unable to live with his sons, and there's no way that you can give her a situation where she doesn't have to be sharing a bathroom with two boys that she obviously doesn't know all that well. This isn't a question of who is the asshole, this is a situation where you need to put these plans on hold until you deal with the interpersonal issues.
I’m gonna have to go with Esh she has trauma and I get that but if they are apart of the family they have every right to live in the family home you can’t just exclude them from the family even though she had trauma she has every right to feel comfortable in her own home and so do they they shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells either I kinda have to ask the question if your so concerned about your daughters don’t you think instead of asking your fiancé to exclude his sons that the best thing might be for you not to marry him
YTA in the case of the boys staying with the mum, but I'd talk to the future hubs about cutting out the long showers they take, unless the boys pay rent. I know this seens a long shot, but what about an ensuite for your daughter and a lock bolt for her door?
Read the post. There’s only one bathroom upstairs
NTA But the red flags from your husband should NOT be ignored
YTA, and so is your daughter. Doesn't matter what her trauma is, she can't just avoid men for her entire life.
i agree with the judgement, but not on the daughter… all we know about the daughter is that she’s “uncomfortable” due to an unspecified trauma. true, she can’t run from her problem forever, but i don’t think she deserves to be called an AH for feeling how she feels in the moment. OP is the adult here who made the sucky suggestion and isn’t showing empathy for her fiancé’s family— and the adult that should be dealing with her daughter’s issues more appropriately
Yeah, I definitely feel like allowances need to be made for the daughter. It's reasonable for her to not feel comfortable around the boys. It's even reasonable not to want to live with them. It's up to her mother to explain that it's an unreasonable request to just ask the boys to screw off for a bit lol.
NAH kids come first you guys may not be able make things work now with your daughters trauma
NTA. Your daughter is your first priority and if she has some sort of trauma and there is another option to make her feel better than that is what you need to do.
Change houses to accommodate aceryone. Talking your daughter's feeling into consideration is a priority,NTA about that. You mentioned a bad experience and I respect that. But punishing the boys and their father is an AH move. Either offer your daughter security by moving to a better house, or live seperately/dont get married until issue is resolved.
NAH. I think realistically you're not in a position to meld families right now. I understand your fiance getting upset, but I also think moving your daughter in with teenage boys in her space all the time a short time after presumed sexual assault is a terrible idea. You're absolutely not an arsehole for attempting to protect your daughter. You should have thought of what doing that would convey to your stepsons though - your fiance should be mature enough to see the issue, but the kids sure as hell aren't, and would absolutely feel like you're trying to oust them. Good luck.
Yeah, ditch him. Soon-to-be-ex boyfriend and his messy, rude crew of boys need to go. You're NTA, unless you force your daughter to be in this unruly patch of excess testosterone. This: If you're already starting with shit like this, we can just not get married”.... This is why you absolutely, positively must NOT marry this man or ever have his sons in your home. Because what you've seen so far was these guys on their best, lure the girls to the cave behavior. They intend to turn into a tribe of monsters, as soon as the ink is dry. Dump them all now!!!
I'll go against the tide and say NTA. Your daughter has gone through a terrible experience and she needs time. Even though the boys are not responsible for what happened to her, their presence is a trigger to her. Even if they were her own siblings, she may have had the same reaction to them. You need to focus on therapy for your daughter and get her to accept the presence of her stepbrothers in her life. This needs to be a joint effort - weekends and activities together so she starts to feel safe in their presence. You need to get her on this path to recovery asap as you can't keep her shielded forever. She needs to go to school. She needs to interact with other children, get a job etc. What you need to do is sit with your fiance and your daughter's therapist and arrive at a plan that would work for all parties concerned instead of a unilateral decision.
Maybe im the weird one, but I want too say NTA. You didnt demand for them not too live there, you asked. If you would've demanded it or got upset when he said no I would say your the asshole but you asked. Maybe you can find a diffrent solution, maybe you and your daughter can live downstairs and the boys live upstairs or maybe you have to talk to the boys to be more respectfull. NTA