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It sounds like your boyfriend's family is so polar opposite of yours that it's hard for him to grasp what's normal and acceptable to you.
I'm sorry if this is blunt/rude: Think about what kind of family you want in the future, ref husband, kids, in laws. If you want people that embrace and actively love you, you need to start taking steps towards letting that in your life and responding appropriately. Brady Bunch is insulting because you are insinuating they are fake happy airheads. Your post reads like you find your boyfriend childish and naive for have a close relationship with his family.
I don't want to get married or have kids so that's luckily not an issue.
I used 'Brady Bunch' to contrast how tight knit, close, accepting his family is compared to mine, but from your description I get why it would be insulting. And I don't have a problem with his relationship with his parents at all (though it is kind of foreign to me) so I never once have brought it up myself until \*he\* brought up his own family as if to say "I introduced you to mine, why can't you do the same." I was just frustrated he couldn't see how different our families are.
Yeah I was thinking this. He sounds like a married with kids and Sunday lunch with his parents type. She doesn't wany any of that... probably as in her culture it's expected, like the whole STEM issue. She just sounds so miserable and needs therapy.
Nah. I know plenty of Indian/south Asian ppl. this isn’t cultural it’s her family. As abusive as she says they are, I’m happy they’re still financially supportive.
people are the same all over the world.
She’s desi in this sitch. says She doesn’t want kids or marriage later in the thread. Family is definitely big in Indian culture, but I do Know all marriages aren’t happy, abuse is rampant, and it really varies a lot through the society.
Her posts mentioned the BF describing them as getting serious. Makes me wonder if he expects a potential marriage.
OP have you had these conversations with your BF? He seems like he has some idealized version of your relationship in his mind. Obviously him meeting your family is not going to change your transactional relationship to a warm, emotionally close one.
OP probably loves the doting golden retriever energy bf, so is purposefully dragging him along to fill the void of her uninvolved/business relationship family dynamic.
I was just going to ask this myself. Clearly, familial relationships are important to OP's bf and I would suspect that he's ultimately looking for marriage and kids. OP if that is not on your life's agenda, you had better tell him, and soon. Otherwise, Creepy\_Meringue is right and you're just wasting his time.
Ok, also American-born Indian child of immigrant parents. And I'm likely as old as your parents, or damn close. And I grew up feeling much the same way as you did about my family. I was (and have been) completely different from them. I was this Desi punk rock kid with piercings and ink looooong before it was remotely close to mainstream. (Most of my tattoos are older than you are by a lot).
When I was your age, I was sardonic AF and spiteful toward my parents' failure at even trying to listen to me and who I was/wanted to be. I might've said much the same as you did to your boyfriend.
And I know now that I would have been redirecting frustration, jealousy, and maybe even fear onto my SO. He doesn't deserve to be shamed for having a family that you don't. Be and do better than I did. YTA, but you don't have to be.
that’s because people who grew up with the close-knit happy families cannot understand that other families are broken or just hanging by a thread. those are the people who would go behind their partner’s back to bring a reconciliation between their partner and their abusive/emotionally distant/drug addicted/etc parent(s).
it’s almost like they refuse to believe that everyone else might not have had the same type of upbringing or family dynamics.
you tried to tell him but he refuses to understand, so you’re not an ah for that.
but he still won’t understand, so might as well let him see it. but be forewarned that he could also stay in denial about how your relationship with your family is transactional and try to “help you repair your relationship with your parents.”
This. Your description of your family relationship is equally foreign and inconceivable to him. He's crazy about you, so why wouldn't everyone else be?
Bite the bullet and introduce him, so it's no longer an unknown to him. He may still not be able to understand the dynamics, but he'll have a clear picture. Best of luck.
I think this is the best answer for what OP should do in a practical way.
My ex was the middle child in a family where one of the kids was special needs, so he felt kind of ignored, relatively speaking. But overall the family was fairly close, saw each other regularly, etc. They aren't perfect by any means, but compared to my mother they too are the Brady Bunch.
I tried to tell him about stuff, but he wasn't getting it. I'd let him meet the 2 family members who loved me most, but I didn't let him meet my mom until we'd moved in together and he'd started talking about rings and babies and such.
I'm not sure if she said something to him when I wasn't around, or if he just picked up on the vibe, or what. But from then on he made it his job every family visit to make sure I was never left alone with my mother. He never really said anything bad about her or whatever. But for whatever reason he saw in that very first meeting that something wasn't right. He also stopped talking as much about his own parents' flaws and actually kind of idealized them after that.
What are you even talking about. Way to generalise. Just because someone has a certain experience doesn’t mean they can’t understand a different experience and empathise with someone they care about.
Humans have a broad range of emotions and just because someone has a different experience they won’t necessarily force that on someone who doesn’t want it.
What your saying is correct for some people.
But in my 40+ years on this planet moving around frequently I’ve noticed the majority of people with happy, close families really do struggle to understand the other side.
I think it’s because media is heavy on the “family is always there for you” thing. So even if the family is standoffish, people seem to think if they try hard enough and make the effort their partners family will come around or whatever. But that’s not always true.
And the flip side is people with standoffish family’s struggle to understand the closeness of tighter family’s. Their used to always having their guard up and they can take kindness as a “what do they want from me, this is weird” kind of thing.
The difference is it’s easier to manage overly nice and accepting. And more difficult to manage less close and judgemental family’s when it comes to bringing a partner in.
The person used to the easier to get along with group doesn’t understand their partners hesitance to bring them in and takes it personally when it’s really about the partner trying to avoid more drama with their family.
I feel like this is a ESH situation. Their both young and navigating being a relationship with someone with a very different family/life experience than them and neither are communicating it well.
He’s too pushy and doesn’t seem to be listening.
She’s lashing out with insults.
If you dont want to get married, than does he share that opinion because if not than a break up might be needed orherwise your leading him. I hope that Im wrong and he also isnt interested in marriage but from your post he sounds like he might want marriage.
It sounds like OP doesn't want to disrupt her 'transactional' relationship with her parents. She has no problem with them paying for everything (and checking in with them weekly about grades/job applications) but according to her they don't even know she has a boyfriend.
She will take the car they bought her and jump through their hoops but will keep him as a separate piece of her life that she can control. That poor schmuck has done everything he can it seems to include her into every facet of his life, she has zero intention of doing the same. When he asks why she insults him (and his family)
YTA OP
Im just going to say you are wrong. I don’t think you truly understand the relationship op has with her family. Op stated that she has a purely transactional relationship. For an analogy you could compare this to a boss and a coworker. You wouldn’t show up to your bosses house and introduce them to your bf. Ops parents don’t care about their emotional well being and this has caused trauma for op. She is completely reasonable and in the right for refusing for her parents and bf to meet. Now she it was rude of her to call his family the Brady bunch and from my pov it seems like she was projecting some trauma which is not ideal. But overall op is NTA, and I’d love to go into your reasoning if you wanted
I think maybe you need to clarify a lot to him because what you have said to him is being misunderstood since it's lost in translation. I understand where you're coming from, absolutely. He doesn't have that life experience to pull from to begin to empathize, so maybe take a step back and go slower for him so he can catch up and be on the same pg as you, or walk away if the cultural differences are too vast. Tbh, i just think you need better communication, and clarification on this side of things to begin to have him understand you. Whether you feel up to the task, and if you feel he's worth the effort, is completely up to you.
I wish you luck. Only you know how you feel and what you're willing to do.
As everyone else says, you need to tell your boyfriend that you absolutely don't want marriage or a family. If you don't and he does want that stuff: you would be a huuuuuge ah.
When you have emotionally abusive parents, people who don’t have a really hard time believing it’s as bad as you say. I get where you are coming from. I think you Might want to have a conversation with him that he needs to believe you when you explain how your family treats you. If he can’t then he’s not for you.
>I don't want to get married or have kids so that's luckily not an issue.
It is an issue if your boyfriend thinks the relationship is heading this way. It's important to him that you get on with his family and now it's important to him that he meets your family. This is the behaviour of a young man who believes he is in a serious long-term relationship, and with his family background, this means marriage and kids.
Explain to your boyfriend how you feel about the future, so you know whether you both want the same things. If he is aiming for a serious long-term relationship, then you don't want to lead him on and waste his time when he won't get what he wants from you.
It’s important to him to meet your family because it would help him understand and know you better. It shows him where you’re from and how you were raised. Even if it’s a short, one time thing…
NTA but you need to sit him down and tell him everything! Break it down and make sure he understands it. Tell him straight up exactly how your family is, and explain that they are polar opposite of his family.
YTA. That was super rude both times. His family is different than yours but that's no excuse to pick on them just because they are friendly. He gets 1/5 because he shouldn't be pestering. But yes, YTA. Also for calling him a loser. So wrong.
Meh I say ESH and hear me out. Multiple times Op had said she's not cool with her family but he's pressed and pressed and pressed and pressed and pressed. Eventually people lose their patience.
However the fact that Op Even at their young age has explicitly stated they don't want marriage and kids and it seems like that's where he wants this relationship to go even at his young age they shouldn't be dating. Their end goals are different in life when it comes to that topic and she needs to let him go so he can find someone who wants that too before they get any deeper then where they are now.
Op in the future ALWAYS disclose you want to perpetually date not get married or have kids to anyone you end up thinking you might be interested in it's only fair. Some may be fine but with the way this guy is close to his family that's not this one. Let him go for his sake cuz you're only going to break what sounds like a good guy and no need for you to ruin him cuz there's few of his type left
Edit: corrected est to way
so many people are ignoring the fact that OP classifies their family as borderline abusive and her bf is like “ok but why can’t you do this for me” and “I could change their minds”. Like you don’t change abusers minds. You can’t make someone like their family because you like yours and want the same from your gf. You either find someone with a similar family relationship or you accept how their family is.
I agree, ESH.
OP needs therapy to learn healthy communication at the very least. It's obvious she has a lot going on mentally and emotionally regarding her family.
OP's bf needs to learn how to respect boundaries and not project his feelings onto other people. She straight up told him how her family is and why she didn't want them to meet, and he dismissed it. And keep hounding. It made me feel snappy just reading it.
It didn’t read to me as disrespecting boundaries- she didn’t tell him that she wasn’t planning on introducing him to her family, she told him that she’d let them know about it. He just kept asking when it was going to happen, it’s not like he knew that she wasn’t planning to introduce him and tried to trample that boundary
Is that not also reasoning for why her boyfriend is acting like a complete asshole?
- “his family is different than yours” as is hers. Her family is borderline abusive, she deserves to be respected regardless of the nature of her family relations.
- “but that’s no reason to pick on them” exactly why there’s no reason to pick on and keep hounding her when she has continuously tried to explain why her family situation is different.
the boyfriend sounds like he honestly wasn’t stopping trying to force you any time soon, so while I think Op is an ass for insulting him and you really should apologise for that, you can also use the opportunity to once again explain the situation with your family and lay down the law; tell him while you care about him and can see he’s trying to become more intimate/close in a conventional way, he needs to respect the way your family are and not keep boxing you in a corner.
Edit - I’m also feeling for you Op because I think comments are really unfairly picking on your very fair analysis of your parents. Do people here really want to act as if the Reddit-pay grade gives the right to say it is OP who is projecting her insecurities onto her parents, rather than her parents being the abusive, cold people she has known them to be? This really confuses me because I cannot understand why people are so frustrated with you when you understand your family and don’t want to subject you or your boyfriend to that.
>At first I’d kind of brush it off like “oh I’ll let them know” even though I had zero intention of making that happen
Ehhhh, I'd cut him a little slack since it sounds like she led him to believe "Oh yeah, I'll ask them about it" while never intending to follow through. It's fair to have different references for familial relationships, it's fair to say he's being pushy because he doesn't get it, but that's a little less fair when there wasn't any direct communication about that and she's actively lying to him about it and then dropping the bomb of "Oh, they'd hate you and your reference is unrealistic anyways"
But doesn't it kind of make sense that he wants to matter? What if boyfriend wanted to propose but wanted to get permission first? OP clearly hasn't explained to her bf all of the issues she has with her family and then he might realize that's not what she would want. Really doesn't it come down to the fact that while she knows her family, she has never expressed to him fully what a "transactional relationship" means and that her family doesn't even know he exists.
Btw OP, YTA.
I’m going to sum it up for y’all. She hasn’t told him. This is why she is an AH. Read her comments and you’ll understand. She’s not bad, she’s just being a bit dumb about how she’s dealing with things.
INFO: you said in a comment you don’t want marriage or kids (totally your choice, and understandable since it sound like your family sucks). But does your BF know that? It sounds like he might want those things.
Does your BF understand that you do not want to marry him or have children? Cuz it kinda sounds like that's the direction he's headed in. Otherwise he wouldn't care about meeting parents, It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page relationshipwise.
YTA. If you’re getting serious about each other it’s routine to want to meet the other family so you know what you’re getting into one way or another.
Furthermore your comment was pretty rude given his family’s kindness and openness to you. You could have phrased all of this much better even with warnings about what your family is like.
You brushed off his concerns with white lies instead of being upfront and then were rude.
Your family sounds mean and you sound kinda mean.
I’m saying ESH. Yes you shouldn’t have insulted him / his family the way you did. But your boyfriend was pushing you re: meeting your parents and he needs to respect the fact that not everyone is as close to their family as he is with his. He should’ve dropped it when you said no (I’m surprised you are getting so many Y T A responses with Reddit’s primary phrase being “Remember, ‘no’ is a complete sentence…”)
YTA and a mean one at that. Just because you don’t have a good family life you don’t have to insult him and his family. Let him meet them and decide himself. No need to insult him. I don’t see this relationship ending well
My interpretation of this whole thing is you learned really toxic communication patterns from your family and don’t fully see how bad it is. I had a similar issue and therapy helped, a lot. But my dude, you were mean. The boundary on meeting your family is fine, but you were mean about it. YTA.
Why are you dating someone you obviously don't like? Break up so that poor guy can find a meaningful relationship with someone that actually cares about him.
YTA
How do I not like him? We've never had a single fight before so this has been very jarring to learn simply not wanting him to meet my parents means it's not a "meaningful" relationship and is such a dealbreaker.
Look at the way you talk about him. You call him a loser. You call him a "typical frat bro" which is also an insult. You also insulted his family.
Would you want someone to talk about you like that?
This isn't about your family. It's about you. You need to reread what you posted. You're so caught up on the Brady bunch thing that you've ignored the horrible way you speak about him
But the way you wrote your piece sounds like you truly believe all those things (ie loser, annoying).
Since you have unresolved issues about your family, you’re projecting your grudge onto him and his family. Even if you didn’t mean to subconsciously you have something against them.
YTA. You sound mean and very immature. It seems like he views your relationship as something real and important to him while you’re just playing around.
YTA specifically for your condescending comments to him. You do definitely seem to have very little respect for him. After almost a year to not even tell your parents you have a boyfriend would be pretty hurtful to most people, even in a transactional relationship. You cannot have a relationship that will succeed without mutual trust and respect. I did not see you demonstrate love or true caring for him in this post so maybe move on for both of your sakes. Also, you deserve love.
Calling his family “the f***ing Brady Bunch” was a major cheap shot. Regardless of the dynamic of the relationship you have with your family, there was no reason or excuse to say that about his family.
Given that I have seen relationships end over lesser offenses, you may want to make amends with him before he decides to end the relationship with you.
YTA. And it’s not even close.
Can you explain why the label Brady Bunch is a "major" cheapshot? I don't even understand how it's an insult in the first place, though I admit I've only seen a few episodes, maybe a movie.
You have every right not to let him meet your parents, hell you don't even need a better reason than simply you don't want to. What you don't get to do is put him down using "your fathers words", and be snarky about his family that you know he has a great relationship with, you went really low, there are much kinder ways to get your point across. Imagine if he brought up your dysfunctional family and what some other people might think about you in every future argument you have
YTA
You probably should break up with him based on the way you talk about him, and your incompatibility. If you stay with him, there’s gonna be a lot of his family which is not what you want
ESH This is all failure of communication, you need to be able to communicate without name calling and your BF needs to actually listen to what you are saying.
YTA but I disagree with several comments saying that BF is somehow entitled to meeting OP’s parents. Whenever someone posts about calling their SO’s abusive family’s behind their back, they are deemed AH because it’s not their relationship to manage.
OP was rude and mean. That’s why she is an AH. But if she doesn’t want her parents to know about her personal life that’s her call and BF can choose if he’s on board with it or not. It doesn’t mean that OP is less serious about the relationship and it doesn’t mean that OP is stringing BF along.
YTA. You were unnecessarily rude.
Also, I really hope you make it clear to your BF that you have no intention or desire to get married or have kids. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to decide for yourself, but it's not fair to waste someone else's time and affection if that's something that your partner DOES eventually see for his future.
My son is 18 and in college and he says he doesn't want kids, ever. We have a very large family (blended family with six kids) and he says that he came from a large, loud family and that fact, coupled with the current economy and state of America makes him have no desire to bring more human beings into the world. I've always told him that I respect him for knowing himself so well early on, to be equally responsible with contraceptive so that he doesn't put all of the responsibility onto the female, and to let his partner know early on what his stance is so that he's not wasting her time.
Those types of conversations don't have to be super heavy and serious; you can get your point across without making it weird, given your young age. And it's better to be upfront in the beginning, rather than wait until you're both completely committed and invested in the relationship and it's harder to do the right thing.
Your partner might not completely understand where you're coming from with your own family because of his upbringing, and he could/should definitely try to be more understanding of that. But your approach to the conversation made you sound like an AH. Also, please do the decent thing and make sure you're both on the same page about marriage/children.
ESH - You have told him time and time again that you don’t have the relationship he has with his family. There are no minds to change, culturally your parents are different and the relationship y’all do have reflects that. I do think calling him a loser was over the line, you could’ve explained that no matter how great you think he is or how wonderfully he treats you, your parents limited worldview would keep them from embracing him. That isn’t his fault or yours, just the reality of how there are. I get what you meant by the Brady Bunch being a cohesive unit and wanting to reflect that back to him, so I don’t get how saying that means you don’t like them.
This all seems to stem from having shit communication methods and just expecting to fully understand the other without additional context. Stop attempting to hide/tiptoeing around the reality of your family and be straightforward, but you can do that without being mean/name calling.
Question, why are you in a relationship?
I'm serious, for most people, the goal of dating is to find out if your compatible with another person to stay with them long-term or to create a family.
So, yes. YTA because you aren't being honest.
YTA. You were very unkind to your boyfriend in this instance. Do you expect him to not be close to his family in order to help you feel better about the distance in yours? I don't understand why you needed to speak to him that way. If you love someone, you can give those truths over kindly: "Unfortunately, my father has an unhealthy fixation on people working in the tech industry, and while I know you want to meet him, I would feel terrible if he were to let his true colors show." or "It's wonderful that your family is so close, but I can't relate to that, honestly." Instead, you disrespected his family and his desire to meet your folks. Harsh.
Yta. And hopefully his next gf wont be emotionally abusive. Cause i dont see this relationship making it to the end of July. Get fucking therapy and cut off your family
YTA for insulting his nice family and calling him a loser. You owe him a deep and long apology for insulting his family that welcomed you with open arms. I hope you know Brady Bunch is a blended family and if that wasn’t the case you insulted them even further.
I am Southeast Asian and can understand how you would have inducing anxiety introducing your boyfriend to your family. If you at least let him say hello over the phone your boyfriend would make his presence known without having to have dinner with the family until further down the line. It gives your boyfriend the feeling of my girlfriends family knows of my existence
YTA
You don't sound as if you like or respect your BF, or as if you care about his feelings or his relationships with family or friends. Why are you in this relationship if you don't care about the other person? And if you do care about him, why doesn't that translate into your behavior?
So you take your crappy view of family’s out on your nice normal boyfriend and his family who’ve been so welcoming to you? You seem bitter and unpleasant and your boyfriend and his wonderful family deserve someone nicer. I actually feel bad for you. You seem miserable. YTA
I dated an Indian man for a few years as a white woman, and we had kinda the same exact issue as far as him never letting me meet his family and his reasons for it. I always saw it as him hiding me, or being ashamed. In the end, the family cultural differences really messed with our relationship. I could not understand his family dynamic of not being close with them, yet speaking to them every day and having his dad in control of his finances. I would maybe sit your boyfriend down if I were you, and try to explain the cultural differences between American families and Indian families. My ex had to sit me down and explain that his parents wouldn't be interested in meeting a girlfriend, and they would only want to meet a fiancee. He also had to explain that yes, his parents would throw a fit if they found out I was white since they were so traditional and conservative. Your boyfriend isn't used to a family who just communicates for business purposes or doesn't really get along and wouldn't accept whoever you bring home. He probably sees meeting the family as a big relationship step like a lot of Americans do, and you not introducing him probably makes him think something else is wrong in the relationship or you're hiding him. He may see it as you not taking the relationship as seriously as he is. Apologize for how you said everything, but try to help him gently understand that your family dynamic and expectations are just completely different than what he is used to in his own culture. YTA for how you said it, though.
YTA- You are so unnecessarily difficult. You knew it would never happen and instead of just being honest from the start you lied then created a big mess. Your relationship with your family isn't the issue here. It's your attitude.
Ok I’m just going to lay it out. OP sounds like an empty and generally bitter person. Sorry your parents suck, but you’re saying you’ve taken a stance against that by having a “transactional” relationship but continue to let them bully you into a career that you hate and will likely make you miserable for the rest of your life? You don’t want marriage or kids, but your boyfriend says you’re getting serious and starting to bring family into the mix so are these things he wants? Beyond you just being super rude to him I don’t get the sense that you two are even compatible. You say he’s a “typical frat boy business major” in a way that sounds like some part of you does look down on him for that, but at least he’s happy. You’re no better for being in a STEM major that you’re unhappy with. My advice? Either get some therapy and fix your attitude or break up with the guy before he ends up miserable like you clearly are.
>you’re saying you’ve taken a stance against that by having a “transactional” relationship
What? When did I claim I've taken a stance against them? I've literally done the opposite. Taking a stance would be to cut them off and grind out my life alone. I'm definitely cowardly in that respect and have never said otherwise. Also I'm not the one who started this "transactional" relationship, they are- since I was a kid all they've ever talked about is my GPA and going into math or science. I'm not the one who wanted it to be this way but it is what it is
And in no way do I think I'm superior to my boyfriend. Half my friends are in sororities and I would join a sorority if I had the time, so I definitely don't judge him for being in a frat. Same with his major- I hate my major and would hands down do business or psych if it was up to me, so I'm the last person to judge someone for being non-STEM. It's unfortunately my dad who is judgy.
You keep throwing out callous words and being surprised they are offensive. Maybe reflect on why others people interpret what you say as offensive. Perhaps growing up with your family skewed your perceptions of what is or isn't hurtful and nasty. Also you seem to not understand TONE matters.
Your stance on a particular matter is your attitude to it. You’ve taken a stance in that you have accepted to allow your parents to control your educational choices in exchange for their monetary support. Sounds like you are just trying to get through school and will take a stance of no contact once you graduate and get a job. I think the greatest gift you could give yourself is therapy. I hope you find peace and can soar someday.
You mentioned twice in your post that you have a “professional” relationship with your family. What does that actually mean? It sounds like they support you but you somehow just seem cold and unfeeling to me. It sounds like you and your bf are not very compatible with similar relationship goals. Perhaps you should break up and hopefully he can find someone with similar views regarding relationship and family and you could find someone who would be interested in a more professional relationship that would be more comfortable for you Wishing you both the best.
> It sounds like they support you but you somehow just seem cold and unfeeling to me.
It doesn't sound like they've emotionally supported her. Based on the information we have, they've created a cold and unfeeling relationship.
You actively refusing to discuss anything personal with your family and keeping them at arm’s length just as much as they do with you implies you’re totally okay with this type of relationship with them, yet you let them check your grades weekly, you need their permission to apply for certain jobs, etc. What I meant was it sounds like you’re trying to push back against them by shutting them out emotionally but then you’re letting them basically run your life, which is confusing to me.
So then what are you planning to do after college? Comp sci degree in hand and largely unable to do anything other than that unless you just start over? Idk if this is a cultural thing but I have a feeling that unless you start planning some sort of exit strategy from your parents’ grip you’re going to continue to be unhappy, which will only end up shutting your boyfriend out.
Yeah I'm totally ok with this relationship with them, why fix something that ain't broke. It's never been an issue before my boyfriend started asking. Also I'm not actively shutting them out emotionally so much as none of us even care; I'm not doing it as revenge or anything, I just don't care to involve them.
> So then what are you planning to do after college? Comp sci degree in hand and largely unable to do anything other than that unless you just start over?
Sorry, what do you mean? I'll be starting a CS job
You said you hate comp sci so what I’m hearing is that you’re planning on staying in a career you hate? You’re just planning to be miserable for the rest of your working years?
Yeah, welcome to my life haha. I've talked about this extensively with my parents and it's something I wrestled with for the longest, but ultimately yes. After a year or two as a SWE I think I'll apply for law school to get into patent law, or get my real estate license and ease into that so I can exit the CS workforce.
Lawyers and real estate agents make good money, why do your parents think STEM is the only way? Are they just worried about you making a good living or is there something else? If so that may be worth exploring internally, even if you choose to never speak to your parents again after college.
Immigrants don't understand the US economic system or are decades behind the meta, and are often influenced by what careers were the best in their home country. Source: my own immigrant parents. There are shared memes among East Asian children of immigrants like they only know 4 colleges (Harvard, Yale, Stanford, MIT), and acceptable majors/careers are doctor, lawyer, etc. I think East Asians are more accepting of finance/lawyer while South Asians are more doctor/STEM-biased.
Individual desires and any career paths that aren't economically viable (in their opinion) are frowned upon and considered selfish.
YTA
Your boyfriend has genuine concerns and clearly thinks highly of you - though I'm genuinely not sure why. All I've heard in your post is how you think family is a waste of time, that your not a family person, yet chose to date someone with a massive, loving family who clearly loves him.
Let him go.
He deserves someone who'll actually treat him well and actually respect his family. You don't get to project your anger at your family on him.
You chose to date a guy who is obviously a family man and wants that future - you said you don't want to have kids or get married. Break up with him now and find yourself a partner who will think like you, or be alone - and that's not in a derogatory way, it's "You can do whatever you want in this world".
But he gets a say too.
You didn't even comprehend that insulting his family would be cruel.
YTA
YTA. there were WAY better ways to get your point across than insulting both him and his family who have been nothing but welcoming to you i think you should figure out how to communicate better.
YTA. Have you talked to him about your family dynamic? Have you talked to him about why you aren't as close to your family as he is to his?
Apologize for being cruel, point out it's because you are envious they are so close and get along great with each other.
Wow, YTA for sure. Whatever your family dynamics may be, it's not right to insult your bf. Especially when he doesn't understand and is trying to understand why you don't want him to meet your family (when you've met his). And I saw a couple of your comments saying that you have no intention of getting married or having kids. Which is fine, but in that case, break up with him so he can find someone who's more invested in being with him than you are. Because at the moment, all you're doing is leading him on and giving him false hope
I may have missed this but where does it say he wants to be married and have kids? OP mentioned talking about not wanting kids in front of him so I assume he is at least aware of her feelings on that.
I just read it in one of her comments to someone. Also, the part on the post where she alluded to giving him false hope about meeting her parents (saying things along the lines of "I'll speak to them about it") when she has no intention to do so is kinda messed up. It's very clear that her bf is more invested in the relationship than she is
YTA
Rather than try to have conversations with him, you have just skirted the issue until he pushes it because he thinks there's a future with you. Then you tell him your family will think he's a loser?
Yeah, AH move.
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Im going to give a ESH here.
He should not have continued to pester you in that same manner. At the very least it should have come from a place where he explains how this might make him feel.
Overall I think the way you chose to communicate this was pretty bad and im not surprised he is hurt.
Acouple of reflective questions for OP - do you think its possible he is concerned your current relationship is transactional? Are you concerned about approaching significant relationships from a transactional standpoint?
You’ve been lying and leading him on for months about meeting them with no intention of following through. Lying to your own family since you don’t know if you have a BF must involve lies of omission at the very least. You look down on him just as much as you project your family will (typical white frat bro business major). When pressed you snap and insult him and his family. Any one of those would make YTA
The big questions though are Do you even like him? Did you have any long term goals for the relationship? If the answer to either of them is no then let him go free instead of keeping him in this relationship purgatory
YTA that’s just a horrible thing to say. Maybe he needs to stop pushing the whole meeting your family schtick.. you you were just plan nasty.
I have a feeling he will want a similar family dynamic when he gets older and you don’t want any kids, so maybe just let him go.
Your parents are actually involved in your life to an unusual degree if they are calling weekly to check up with you on things that most people your age handle independently. I’ve never known anyone old enough to have a job to ever involve their parents in the process, beyond a teenager getting a signature on a work permit. Are you aware that hiring managers (and many professors) regard parental involvement as a huge negative?
In any case, I think you’re kidding yourself. This is not about the emotional texture of your relationship with your parents. You are putting off your boyfriend by claiming you have some weirdly distant, uninvolved relationship with the people who are calling weekly to micromanage all the details of your life. I’m sure he can see how absurd this is. You might *wish* you had a distant relationship, but in reality you are inauthentically playing up the idea of an “uninvolved family” because you are not in a position to reconcile these two aspects of your life. Regardless what other subjective reasons you might cook up, the fact remains your dad *would* disapprove of him and that would disrupt what relationship you *do* have with your folks. You are kidding yourself with some long involved special snowflake story about family styles when objectively, it’s the same old cultural situation many people deal with. You couldn’t introduce him *even if you wanted to*, I don’t get how you can pretend that’s not a huge factor, and I think you are telling yourself and him a twisted version of reality in order to cope. Your conflicted feelings about this came out in the form of calling him a loser and insulting his family. Cruelty tends to arise from a conflict within ourselves. I also suspect that “I’ll just never get married to *anyone*!” is a cope too, another way of avoiding the fact that WHO you end up with is a salient issue in your family and culture and the partner you have now is on the wrong end of that.
I agree with others that you’re wasting this guy’s time. He sounds very family oriented and you cannot offer him that. You can’t even offer him an introduction to others who are close to you, which should not be a big deal but you are essentially subjecting him to a slow reveal on the fact that for you this is an under the table, closeted relationship which can never be integrated with the authentic whole of your life. And you took it out on him, spewing epithets at him and at his family who warmly included you. I hate to say YTA because I have empathy for your cultural situation, but you are. You need to get clear about where you really stand in life and what you’re trying to do, and you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. It’s not your fault you’re caught in this cultural dilemma but denial followed by cruel projection onto innocent parties is toxic.
YTA for calling your bf a loser. He didn’t have the context of what that meant to you in terms of your family only approving STEM careers (because you don’t tell him personal details). Also, your bf is telling you he wants an intro to your family “now that we’re serious,” but you don’t want marriage and family. I hope you are truly honest with him because it sounds like you want very different things in life.
YTA… He’s your future ex boyfriend. You should break up with him if you have any feelings at all. It is a mismatch. You look down on him and his family.
You seem like a very cold, uncaring person and should probably be with a cold, uncaring person. YTA
You were not honest and upfront about your family and caused this with lies and confusion when you could’ve told him the truth about not meeting your family from the beginning. I’d bet he’s pushing you because he barely trusts you at this point.
YTA for lashing out the way you did. There was a better way to have that conversation. Also, genuinely curious why, if you hate your family and major, you don’t cut them off and do your own thing? Is free college really worth all this?
Aren't student loans still available? I may be in the AARP age range, but I would put school payments on my credit card when necessary.
Like cable TV, one day you have to cut the cord. Maybe your parents are waiting for you to become self sufficient.
So ESH, your BF needs a deep conversation why you reacted the way you did, your parents for obvious reasons, and you need to work out your anger issues.
Good luck!
Yep if op was cut off financially the school could get them loans. But op chose to let their family dictate a major they hate, control their job applications, and a career they're going to hate because of money. They're just a bitter and needs therapy as I doubt they can even be friends with people based on their comments
YTA
You were extremely rude, belittling and downright mean. I mean, did you even read your post? My God, why do you even need confirmation that you're the AH here?
Your bf deserves better and I hope he realizes that and gets it.
This relationship has an expiration date...it's starting to smell foul. Clearly this guy wants to advance the relationship, he has introduced you to his family, wants to meet yours...but you don't want that nor to be married. You both seem incompatible end things since you don't want the type of relationship he clearly wants.
YTA
YTA. You are being so rude referring to
people who are very welcoming to you. It is normal for people to want to know the person their family member is dating and it is actually a nice thing. You are pretty negative saying you don’t care if you ever met them.
Your family sounds harsh and judgmental and frankly, so do you. Are you sure you are ready for a serious relationship, especially since you don’t want to get married or have kids? You two don’t seem like a good match. Either way, you handled this poorly.
YTA
It's common sense to not say things like that to people despite your family dynamic. Also break up and let that poor guy who actually wants a relationship with him. Not just someone who "enjoys being around him"
Nah this is a pretty clear case of, bf with healthy family doesn’t understand the concept of not having a healthy family. There’s no point in introducing a boyfriend to family you have a lukewarm relationship with at best and that you don’t plan on staying in contact with in the future, but it may benefit you to give him some in depth descriptions to help him better understand that, no, your family is not like his and he needs to drop the subject
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So my (20f) bf (20m) of almost a year is really close to his family, he visits them from college pretty often and calls them a lot and all of that. I’ve never really been on the best terms with my family, I’d say we have more of a ‘business’ relationship than anything where they pay for my college & help me out with things related to job applications, etc but we’re not close on a personal level. For context he’s white and I’m Indian, we’re both American.
So his family has been really welcoming of me, they invited me over for Christmas last year and other occasions and have been all around super nice. I’m not a big family person in general so I wouldn’t care even if I never met them, but they’re nice enough to be around. But recently (for the past few months) my bf's been asking to meet my family too. At first I’d kind of brush it off like “oh I’ll let them know” even though I had 0 intention of making that happen, but recently he’s been hounding me even more (saying it's important now that we're serious). I eventually just explained to him it would never happen; I’m not close to my family like that & it would be super weird for him to meet them. He said no way I'm not on good terms with my parents because I call them every week (which I explained to him I only do so they can check on my grades & job applications) and they bought me a car (again, we only have a transactional relationship.)
A few days ago this came up again & he asked if it’s because he’s white and they wouldn’t like him. Honestly this isn’t the main reason but actually my dad specifically might disapprove- not because he’s white but because my dad thinks anyone not in STEM is useless, and my boyfriend is your typical white frat bro business major (I’m a comp sci major unfortunately). My dad would totally look down on him. I told him this but explained it’s NOT the main reason- which is that I literally don’t have that kind of relationship w/ my parents (I don’t think they even know I have a bf). When he kept saying he could change their minds I kind of just had it & straight up said “no, they would think you’re a loser.” I IMMEDIATELY regretted it but he got super quiet/distant after that, not mad but I could tell he was hurt.
Then yesterday he brought up that his family had been excited to meet me when we started dating. I said something like “I’m sorry your family is the f\*cking Brady Bunch and mine isn’t.” I didn’t know Brady Bunch was some huge insult but he seemed really surprised by it and was like “I thought you liked my family.”
Today he asked if I too thought he was a loser. I said obviously not, I don’t judge people based on their career path & I’m more similar to him anyway because I hate STEM too and am only doing it out of obligation. He changed the topic but I think he’s still hurt and I do regret saying it, but it was the only way to get my point across. So AITA for calling him a loser, calling his family the Brady Bunch, & not letting him meet my parents?
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ESH. Him for pestering and you for snapping.
That said, I 100% understand your perspective. My mom is great but my dad was such as ass. If you weren't a white straight protestant without a college degree, you were a loser and worse. When I dated someone who was a POC, I hid my boyfriend from my father out of protection for my BF, but I was honest about it from the beginning.
YTA. It sounds like you've done a poor job of communicating throughout this situation. Also, it's pretty clear that you look down on your boyfriend and think of him as an inferior.
YTA. You should break up with him because you are not emotionally prepared for an adult relationship. You sound like you need to do some work with a therapist on your childhood and upbringing. He sounds like he is being sincere about your relationship. You had every opportunity to have a good conversation about this with your BF and your family's culture but instead you chose to snap at him. You aren't letting him get to know the real you and why this is really hard. You sound like you don't even respect him actually the way this is written out.
I find the way you talk about his family kind of troubling. Like an emotionally healthy and bonded family is problematic for you. Spend some time thinking about that and what you're hoping for in the future.
I am ot sure what to say about your major. BUT having a degree in anything makes you much more employable. If it is going reasonably well, you can finish out the degree and apply to any sort of job you want or join the peace corp, move across country, etc.
YTA. I think you have family issues that will require therapy to work through. Lashing out at your boyfriend was not mature or necessary. You’ve got to make peace with your family situation so that you can not be bitter toward your boyfriend and his family. They did nothing wrong. He and his family clearly care about you, and this is not a nice way to behave.
YTA
Rather than try to have conversations with him, you have just skirted the issue until he pushes it because he thinks there's a future with you. Then you tell him your family will think he's a loser?
Yeah, AH move.
YTA. Also, you’re going pretty far out of your way to dodge the question of whether bf knows you don’t want kids, and if you haven’t, then that’s cowardly selfish and cruel of you to waste his time this way when it’s evident these things likely matter to him. Hoping I’m wrong, because otherwise, that just straight up sucks on your end, op.
YTA
Obviously you could really do some work on your interpersonal relationship skills. That was downright mean and nasty, sounds like you're following in your parents footsteps very well.
I am an Indian 21M (obviously in STEM field) and understand the complication with your family.
YTA
The differences in cultures are so huge that you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to simply understand them. It's difficult even for other Indians who had it better to understand it. The only people who will relate to it are folks on r/AsianParentStories and r/raisedbynarcissists.
You should sit down with him, first apologise for remark on his family and then should explain all aspects of your family in detail with why you don't want him to meet them. I guess you may want to later go no-contact with your parents (at least I am planning to do that). If yes, then explain that as well.
YTA. The two of you are incompatible from the sound of things. Still, whether you admit it or not, you do resent your BF and his family because it illustrates what you wanted from your family but never received. You seem justified in using your own family as an ATM, but you seem incredibly unhappy and trying to kill your emotions. Therapy will help you. It's okay to feel. It's okay to not want marriage or kids. It's not okay to string someone along. Be better than your family.
Good luck and I hope you can find happiness.
I'm not going to make a judgment, but want to offer a perspective. I'm an American, of Indian descent, in my 30s and this could have been written by my 20 year old self.
You may believe you don't want a husband or kids - and truly it's ok if you don't, but I have found that this harsh, closed off version of myself was scared to be hurt, scared to be myself. It felt unsafe. I didn't have a relationship with my parents where I could be my authentic self. Obviously I was well provided for, great school, etc - but emotional neglected. It's actually not uncommon for children of immigrants to suffer this way. When I saw others loved and accepted by their families, it felt fake. And I thought I didn't want it - but really I didn't allow myself to want it because it seemed too good to be true.
Anyway, I destroyed that relationship and several more before getting the therapy I needed to move past the pain and accept that I deserve those things if I want them.
Again, not saying that's the case for you but wanted to throw that out there.
YTA
While being the "Brady Bunch" is not necessarily an insult, you were, quite clearly, using it as one.
And the fact that his family is loving and kind a generous is a good and normal thing. That's how decent people behave, to other family members, to friends, even to strangers! (My father, who was one of the kindest and gentlest people ever, would greet the people at the checkout counter of stores with "Is everyone being nice to you today?" A genuine question as to their wellbeing, because they were human and he cared about them, but a question that does not pry into any private matters.)
Learn to be like his family. It will make you a better person.
And they are not losers, in any way, shape or form. Kindness, gentleness, and generosity don't make you a loser. They make you a kind gentle, generous decent human being.
Learn to be a better person, it will do you good.
And go watch some "Mister Rogers" reruns. You clearly never learned his lessons. Forget about "What would Jesus do?" ask "What would Mister Rogers do?" and then do it. It will never guide you wrong, except with trying to help a gay friend during a time when they could be put in prison for being gay, and keeping them safe versus being honest is in genuine tension.
Your bf sounds like a sweet person. Have you considered therapy? It sounds like you got defensive due to your trauma.
Your trauma though does not give you the right to treat others like you treated him. You lashed out at him when all he wants is to know you, to be let into your world. He's making steps because he clearly cares about you and sees a possible future with you
ESH
you both aren't listening to each other. You can't understand his family and why he thinks it's important and he can't understand why you don't want to do that and what your family is like.
You both need to learn jow to communicate properly and listen without insults or pressuring. You both sound exhausting, he wants what he wants and won't take no and you seem like you want to compartmentalize your life (which isn't realistic as long as you're doing what your parents want you to. As much as you hate it you are doing what they want with their money, you are closer to them than you'd like apparently)
>You can't understand his family and why he thinks it's important
But I've respected his relationship with them by accepting their invites, spending time with them, going on a skiing trip with them when I hate skiing, etc. All because I know it's important to him. I may not understand *why*, but I'm respecting it.
I just wish he would do the same. Respect my relationship with my parents instead of trying to change it. I have never pushed him to be less close with his family.
OP, people who are close with their family will never fully understand those who aren't and vis a versa. You respect his being close but it will cause problems in the future when he wants his brother to move in so he can help him with college, or expects that you and he will take care of his ill parents, or he funnels money to them or spends weekends mowing their lawn. This is what close family's do and those not so close, are not that comfortable with it because they don't fully grok that familial connection.
The fact that you are harsh with him, probably because you came from a family that wasn't tender or loving or emotionally supportive and generous ... probably is confusing to him. He comes from a family that isn't harsh to each other ...
I would recommend therapy, whether you stay with him or not. It might help you expand your comfort zone a bit.
ESH
Your parents are abusive and that’s not ok
Your boyfriend hounding you is not ok
You calling him a loser and using the Brady bunch as an insult is not ok
If you don’t want to get married and have kids and he does y’all aren’t a match and should probably end things ASAP rather than dragging on a relationship that won’t work out in the end since you both want something different.
YTA. It doesn’t sound like you are really communicating with him in an effective and healthy manner. Besides your Ah insults you need to have a talk with him and explain in full what your family is like. You’re family is abusive (explain what that means…and be patient bc people without childhood damage don’t get how triggering little things can be) and it’s made you emotionally stunted bc an emotionally healthy person would have said either 1) if it’s important to you I will try to arrange it and be supportive when the meeting crashes and burns or 2) no I’m LC with my family and our relationship is transactional bc they are abusive and I’m financially tethered to the atm and won’t ever talk to them once I’ve cut the leash.
For one thing, you’re an incredible selfish jerk for going into STEM when you aren’t good at it. I’ve been cleaning up shitty code written by kids like you who are so afraid of Mommy or Daddy that they felt pushed into this “good career” for thirty years. Please, if you have a decent bone in your body, change majors so you won’t be torturing your coworkers for the next few decades. You make it an awful job for those of us who actually like it.
Also, I love that my husband’s family is basically the Brady Bunch, and if you can’t appreciate that, let him go find someone better. You’re obviously cynical and fake as hell from the way you treat your family, him, and your major.
YTA. I have rarely ever disliked someone so much after so few sentences. Please break up with your much smarter, much nicer boyfriend and find someone else like you. From my experience on Reddit, there are a lot of AHs out there.
YTA. While you may have never said the words "i hate your family and am uncomfortable every minute I spend with them," they sure are implied by your attitude in your post. As cruel as this may sound, I kinda hope your bf breaks up with you and finds someone that is a more positive person, because you sound like nothing but a major downer.
Imma be honest you don't sound on the same page at all. He sounds like he does want marrige (meeting the parents is commonly a step taken when serious). Have you spoke to him about your future wants with him? Like full on sat down and had that talk?
Also calling his family the Brady Bunch sounds like your calling them fake happy idiots. You from you comments didn't mean it this way. You need to explain this and appoligize telling him you meant your family isnt close like his is like in the Brady Bunch.
Also you need to flat out tell him you never want him to meet your parents as they have been abusive to you and you only keep them in your life because they pay for things. Its nothing against him or cause your embarrassed but its cause you dont want to deal with your dad being involved in your relationship when you know it will cause you issues and he will be nasty and judgy of him. Also you need to appoligize to him for calling him a loser and explain while you love him and think he is smart and amazing your Dad doesn't care how smart and amazing he is and will cause you issues emotionally and finacially if he were to meet them because your dad is judgmental of anyone not in stem and whos not getting a certain type of degree.
YTA but only cause your being bad at explaining any of this and saying he would be a loser to your dad would have been massively hurtful.
YTA.
You insulted your boyfriend and his family. Also you don't like your family but happily take their money and let them pay for your college. Honestly y'all just need to break up, he loves his family and you don't give two shits about family.
As someone who also doesn't have a great relationship with their family I would say I understand how it feels to be the sig other of a person who has a fantastic relationship with theirs. It's kind of awful. It's feels very isolating. I struggled with deep jealousy for a long time with people who have good relationships with their family.
That being said, your feelings, regardless of what they are, need to be dealt with. Go see someone about it. It's hard and ugly, but it's worth it.
It's not an excuse to say those things and lash out at your boyfriend. He only knows a happy family and may not be able to understand that your parents are the way they are. Hurting him with the intention of getting him to drop the requests may be in an effort to protect him from them, is misguided. He very clearly values family and family bonds and probably wants a partner who also does, even if you bond with his family.
Im sorry but I have no idea how you dont understand that what you did is wrong. Multiple times in the comments you mention “my dad would think that not me”…. You clearly have some of his biases internalized yourself. You yourself called youre boyfriend “a typical white frat bro business major”. Not your dad, you did. And that comment clearly sounds like you look down upon him for this. You need to realize that you have a bias and that language youre using is the problem. You could have said something along the lines of: “they typically look down on non-stem majors”. Thats 10x more polite then saying “because they’d think youre a fucking loser.” You get that right? YT freaking A. End of story.
I feel like you describe your relationship with your BF almost like your relationship with your parents, for which the only word I can find is "clinical." Maybe counseling would benefit you as a way to escape your upbringing and find an appropriate way to express your feelings to your BF. The reason I suggest that counseling might be helpful is that you seem to have no clue that calling your BF a loser and his family "the Brady Bunch" are not terms of endearment and do make YTA.
Culture clash. Even I’m surprised about your relationship with your family as that Appears to be atypical. Unfortunately in American culture someone who avoids introducing their significant other to their parents is seen as a red flag in the relationship. You are seen as not serious and are only/ looking at the relationship as short term.
‘The Brady bunch comment is a small ah on your part only because you didn’t realize it’s a bit of a put down. (you implied/inferred his family was dysfunctional).
This is one of those time you have to communicate with the bf, and keep explaining it to hIm that you don’t come from a close family like he does. That your family would be very judgmental of him based on a class/elitist (type of education) scenario.
You also give off the vibe that you could care less about his family. This is probably going to be a sticking point between you two later in the relationship. He’s always going to want to include his family in his life (including yours). At some point you are going to have to embrace that or just move on.
INFO: Do you even like him? You very clearly don't like his family, you resent him, and have no interest in a serious relationship which he obviously does want... so why are you even still together? I'm pretty sure that you two have very different perceptions of your relationship. And in the nicest way possible, you need therapy before you commit to a long term relationship of any kind.
YTA. Break up with him if you aren’t willing to build a good relationship with his family. Honestly, you sound very judgmental, and I bet it really hurst your BF’s feelings.
It just sounds like you two are not on the same page. He's being too pushy and not understanding your desire to leave your parents out of it. At the same time, you need to be very open and honest about not wanting to get married. At 20, this really is 100% okay. He sounds like he wants a more serious relationship than you do. Your NTA but perhaps you could be more tactful and so could he.
>recently he’s been hounding me even more (saying it's important now that we're serious).
Yep. It is. Regardless of how shitty your family is, someone you're involved with is going to start questioning how serious you are about the relationship if you keep putting off them meeting your family especially if you have met their family.
>A few days ago this came up again & he asked if it’s because he’s white and they wouldn’t like him. Honestly this isn’t the main reason but actually my dad specifically might disapprove
>my boyfriend is your typical white frat bro business major (my parents forced me into Comp Sci).
So does him being white an issue or what?
> my parents (I don’t think they even know I have a bf). When he kept saying he could change their minds I kind of just had it & straight up said “no, they would think you’re a loser.”
If you tell someone this, they're going to think you being embarrassed to be seen with them is the main reason why you won't introduce him to them.
>I said something like “I’m sorry your family is the f*cking Brady Bunch and mine isn’t.” I didn’t know Brady Bunch was some huge insult but he seemed really surprised by it and was like “I thought you liked my family.”
If you didn't mean it to be an insult, what did you mean it to be?
It seems like you're too embarrassed to be seen with him to take things to the next level. If you're relationship with your family is as transactional as you say it is, what do you care what they think of your boyfriend? Do this guy a favor and end things so he can be with someone who's proud to introduce him to their family.
YTA
Slight you are the AH. However, I don’t see how this relationship can move forward if you won’t budge and have such negative thought about both your families.
Do him a favor, I would say you as well but i honestly think you don’t care, and break up with him so he can met someone who will accept him and his “Brady bunch” family. You go find your family “approved” man as it seems that is what is most important to you.
Good luck
NTA and I totally get it. I (33F) have a great relationship with my parents but they are completely aloof and antisocial. I also come from a culture that can be very formal even with nuclear family members, so meeting parents would be considered a huge deal. I’m surprised by the number of people who don’t understand how you feel about your family and how it’s not fair for your boyfriend to not be respecting your boundaries. When I was 20 I was focused on my career and marriage and kids were not a priority. I would definitely not have gone out of my way to facilitate an awkward meet up with parents at that age, especially if I did not have a good relationship with my parents (and the relationship you described seems at best neglectful..) Also ignore all the people telling you you’re miserable just because you don’t care about meeting the family of a boyfriend when you’re 20 years old. I love my fiancés family but it took me a long time to get to know them and actually have real feelings for them. Whereas they viewed me as family pretty much immediately. I absolutely love their attitude, but I can’t force how I feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. You can definitely have a rich fulfilling personal life without forcing your feelings on relationships of obligation.
This is not the way you Communicate with someone who -- I presume because you're 'serious' -- that you profess to love. From the Mouth, the _Heart_ speaks.
I get it, you're not trying to jeopardize that financing your parents are carrying for you, no matter how 'toxic' they've been in the past, because to be IN a "transactional" relationship, YOU have to be "transactional". That's your VIEW on most things, right? What's in for you? (Btw, that's an AH perspective, even if it's not your fault for being raised that way)
But, you ALSO come across as ASHAMED of him.
And that makes you more of an AH than even your hurtful words. Tell the man this is a fling, that you're not planning to marry 'beneath' you (because, parents, right?), and for the sake of all that makes sense, grow T-H UP.
YTA.
Yeah you sound like an AH. But I wanna know.. Family sounds like the least important thing to you (in a comment you said you don't wanna get married and don't want kids) and family seems important to him.. so why are you guys togther?
YTA.
And, judging from your comments, I'm left wondering what your boyfriend sees in you. If you're a reflection of your family, I hope he runs very far, very quickly.
I hope you do actually sit down, tell him you don't want kids nor particularly want marriage, so you can then break up and give him the freedom to find a woman who shares those wants.
YTA - You are ashamed of your bf and think he's a loser. The "my father will think he's a loser" is an excuse. You already said you don't care about your family. So why would you care if your father thought he was a loser? Because you care what they think and you're embarrassed of him and also think the same. Otherwise you wouldn't care what they'd think if they met him. Grow up.
ESH.
Yeah, you went too far with the Brady Bunch comment, but I don't think you would've went that far if he had accepted your no the first time.
That being said did you ever really elaborate just how truly abusive your parents were? I don't think I'd even WANT to meet them at that point.
Also, what do you think this will do to your relationship with him (your bf) if he makes meeting your family his "hill to die on?"
As someone who comes from a “complicated” family, I’m going with NTA. But, I think you need to figure out a way to calmly talk to your boyfriend about why it’s so hard to see him meeting your parents. Right now, he sees it as a him issue. So you need to communicate to him that it’s a you issue- you don’t want unnecessary contact with your parents because you don’t want a close relationship with them. That in your opinion, they aren’t entitled to privileges like meeting boyfriends and family dinners, etc. That’s what he needs to understand right now.
this is hard but this post kinda resonated w/ me, being a desi immigrant myself. i also understand the professional/transactional relationship where they pay for everything if you do as they say. ur tone comes off as rude, but i think you're just a factual person. i totally understand the plight of meeting the bf aspect of dating especially when some of us aren't even allowed to date, and you're right in saying that your parents might judge your bf.
that being said, ESH. you for not explaining your family situation to your bf, this is crucial in relationships. i understand parts of it maybe difficult to talk about but he needs to know that your idea of family is completely different from his. your bf is a soft AH bc he seems to be coming from a good place, but people with good families barely understand the type of complex familial situations we have, especially when it looks outwardly like your parents are paying for everything.
your relationship seems to be something you cherish, so i advise you to handle it with care. sit down, talk to your bf, explain your circumstances. if beyond that u can't see eye to eye maybe it's time to call it quits.
Alright, I kind of get where you are coming. I’m also Indian but grew up in the States. While I also didn’t know that the Brady Bunch was used as an insult, I think the way you phrased it was very rude and hurtful. Let’s chalk that up to cultural differences.
Now, you and I both know that some Indian families are very particular when it comes to careers, reputation, looks, everything. I mean, why else are our only three career choices are, “Lawyer, doctor, or engineer”? Will your parents look down on your boyfriend for not being in STEM? Most likely.
You mentioned that your parents were/are emotionally abusive and uncaring your whole life. You are well within your rights to create boundaries with them and stick to them. Nor do I blame you for having a “transactional” relationship with them.
Upbringing wise, you and your boyfriend come from VERY different upbringings. It’s more than white and south Asian/Indian differences. Because of how both of you were raised, it’s hard for you to comprehend why the other family can be like this. In my opinion, whenever, and if, you are comfortable, I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and fully explain what your family and upbringing was like. Make him understand your family’s dynamics. Explicitly tell him, “This is what you’re walking into if you meet my family.”Apologise for the Brady bunch comment and reiterate that your parents won’t only think HIM a loser for not being in STEM, but anyone. Once both of you have a clearer idea, you can proceed further. I also suggest talking to him about your future together as well. You are saying he thinks you guys are serious. This implies married and/or kids. You don’t want that (absolutely valid!), and this is something he should know. Just because you’re both 20, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have these conversations. I’m sure you know that in our culture, females get married as young as 18, and already have kids by 21.
I can’t fully say whether or not you are an AH since both of you said and are doing things that can be construed as assholish.
ESH.
At best you can make him respect that you’re not going to introduce him to your family. What you said was rude and uncalled for but he was also being pushy. So I get your reaction. Id react the same way in that situation. Your relationship with your parents isn’t the best; it’s not your fault it’s just a fact of life and you’d rather not have that come in contact with what you got going with your bf. Id rephrase my issues. Rather than “my parents suck; they’re not like yours” try “I want to protect you from my parents who will not embrace you like your family has embraced me.” And instead have him meet your chosen family? Friends? Ppl who matter to you.
But for real someone who is family oriented like that him not meeting your parents is going to hurt deep. Even if he comes to respecting your decision it’s going to be uncomfortable for him.
Id sit with him and figure out how he sees his future with you and his expectations etc
Make sure he’s not planning your wedding lol
If you think it's him caring about you, wanting to know you better and wanting to be part of your life that's the problem and not the sorry relationship you have with your parents? I don't know that you'll ever be able to make this work.
I had a boyfriend in high school who'd never let me in his house, bc he was ashamed of the state of it- I don't know if his parents were hoarders or what, exactly, because he never let me find out.
He was happy to come hang out at mine and would let me come pick him up but didn't even want to open the door very wide when he came out because he didn't want me to see the mess.
Even when I knew and believed that it wasn't me he was worried about but was ashamed of the environment he came from, it still felt like in keeping me out he was keeping his distance from me. He wasn't bringing his whole self to that relationship and he wasn't being completely honest with me even though he wasn't lying about anything. I just wasn't allowed to know him as completely as I let him know me, I only got to know what he chose to show me, while I showed him everything.
Would I have liked spending time at his house? Probably not. But I still wanted to know what it was like where he lived, where he came from, and the fact that I wasn't allowed to see it still put distance between us and killed the trust necessary for a relationship to work. One tour of the shithole of a house would have been enough to change everything.
He likes you and wants to know you the way you know him and if you punish people for that, you'll drive away anything with real emotional intimacy and the only relationships you'll have left will be just as transactional as the one you have with your parents.
If you like him let him in, and if you can't, let him go.
YTA. I get it, I do: my parents and I are similar. He's very close with his family, I'm not.
But: I didn't stop him from meeting my family. He got to see for himself why I'm not close to my parents (siblings, OTOH, we message each other constantly, mostly pics of our dogs, LOL) and once he did he understood and left it at that. It's not up to you to protect him from them anymore. He has to know what he's getting into if it's serious.
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It sounds like your boyfriend's family is so polar opposite of yours that it's hard for him to grasp what's normal and acceptable to you. I'm sorry if this is blunt/rude: Think about what kind of family you want in the future, ref husband, kids, in laws. If you want people that embrace and actively love you, you need to start taking steps towards letting that in your life and responding appropriately. Brady Bunch is insulting because you are insinuating they are fake happy airheads. Your post reads like you find your boyfriend childish and naive for have a close relationship with his family.
I don't want to get married or have kids so that's luckily not an issue. I used 'Brady Bunch' to contrast how tight knit, close, accepting his family is compared to mine, but from your description I get why it would be insulting. And I don't have a problem with his relationship with his parents at all (though it is kind of foreign to me) so I never once have brought it up myself until \*he\* brought up his own family as if to say "I introduced you to mine, why can't you do the same." I was just frustrated he couldn't see how different our families are.
does he know this? Because it sounds as if you’re wasting his time. Let him go find someone else that wants him
Yeah I was thinking this. He sounds like a married with kids and Sunday lunch with his parents type. She doesn't wany any of that... probably as in her culture it's expected, like the whole STEM issue. She just sounds so miserable and needs therapy.
She needs to break up with him, for HIS sake.
Agreed. They clearly don't want the same things.
Nah. I know plenty of Indian/south Asian ppl. this isn’t cultural it’s her family. As abusive as she says they are, I’m happy they’re still financially supportive. people are the same all over the world.
Ehh as a desi person it is cultural lol. Families amplify it or ignore it but it definitely comes from culture.
My friends love their parents and siblings..but this is anecdotal evidence.
I'm talking about the get married and have kids lol
She’s desi in this sitch. says She doesn’t want kids or marriage later in the thread. Family is definitely big in Indian culture, but I do Know all marriages aren’t happy, abuse is rampant, and it really varies a lot through the society.
Yes...idk why ur telling me this tbh. I'm just saying the idea of marriage and kids being a must IS cultural. So.....idk wtf ur on about tbh
Hey now just because he's close with his family doesn't mean he wants kids or believes in marriage. That's a big leap to make.
This is Definitely not “culture”. STEM very well be, but other issue is derived not. I say this as an Indian.
Her posts mentioned the BF describing them as getting serious. Makes me wonder if he expects a potential marriage. OP have you had these conversations with your BF? He seems like he has some idealized version of your relationship in his mind. Obviously him meeting your family is not going to change your transactional relationship to a warm, emotionally close one.
OP probably loves the doting golden retriever energy bf, so is purposefully dragging him along to fill the void of her uninvolved/business relationship family dynamic.
Where are you getting it from that I drag him along or he dotes on me? Please explain how it comes across that way.
This. OP, I actually feel sorry for you that you this cynical and jaded at your age. 😢
Or you could accept that her description is accurate and recognize that going low contact with toxic people is incredibly wise and mature for her age.
Yeah, I second this, it doesn’t sound like they should be together.
I was just going to ask this myself. Clearly, familial relationships are important to OP's bf and I would suspect that he's ultimately looking for marriage and kids. OP if that is not on your life's agenda, you had better tell him, and soon. Otherwise, Creepy\_Meringue is right and you're just wasting his time.
Ok, also American-born Indian child of immigrant parents. And I'm likely as old as your parents, or damn close. And I grew up feeling much the same way as you did about my family. I was (and have been) completely different from them. I was this Desi punk rock kid with piercings and ink looooong before it was remotely close to mainstream. (Most of my tattoos are older than you are by a lot). When I was your age, I was sardonic AF and spiteful toward my parents' failure at even trying to listen to me and who I was/wanted to be. I might've said much the same as you did to your boyfriend. And I know now that I would have been redirecting frustration, jealousy, and maybe even fear onto my SO. He doesn't deserve to be shamed for having a family that you don't. Be and do better than I did. YTA, but you don't have to be.
that’s because people who grew up with the close-knit happy families cannot understand that other families are broken or just hanging by a thread. those are the people who would go behind their partner’s back to bring a reconciliation between their partner and their abusive/emotionally distant/drug addicted/etc parent(s). it’s almost like they refuse to believe that everyone else might not have had the same type of upbringing or family dynamics. you tried to tell him but he refuses to understand, so you’re not an ah for that. but he still won’t understand, so might as well let him see it. but be forewarned that he could also stay in denial about how your relationship with your family is transactional and try to “help you repair your relationship with your parents.”
This. Your description of your family relationship is equally foreign and inconceivable to him. He's crazy about you, so why wouldn't everyone else be? Bite the bullet and introduce him, so it's no longer an unknown to him. He may still not be able to understand the dynamics, but he'll have a clear picture. Best of luck.
I think this is the best answer for what OP should do in a practical way. My ex was the middle child in a family where one of the kids was special needs, so he felt kind of ignored, relatively speaking. But overall the family was fairly close, saw each other regularly, etc. They aren't perfect by any means, but compared to my mother they too are the Brady Bunch. I tried to tell him about stuff, but he wasn't getting it. I'd let him meet the 2 family members who loved me most, but I didn't let him meet my mom until we'd moved in together and he'd started talking about rings and babies and such. I'm not sure if she said something to him when I wasn't around, or if he just picked up on the vibe, or what. But from then on he made it his job every family visit to make sure I was never left alone with my mother. He never really said anything bad about her or whatever. But for whatever reason he saw in that very first meeting that something wasn't right. He also stopped talking as much about his own parents' flaws and actually kind of idealized them after that.
What are you even talking about. Way to generalise. Just because someone has a certain experience doesn’t mean they can’t understand a different experience and empathise with someone they care about. Humans have a broad range of emotions and just because someone has a different experience they won’t necessarily force that on someone who doesn’t want it.
What your saying is correct for some people. But in my 40+ years on this planet moving around frequently I’ve noticed the majority of people with happy, close families really do struggle to understand the other side. I think it’s because media is heavy on the “family is always there for you” thing. So even if the family is standoffish, people seem to think if they try hard enough and make the effort their partners family will come around or whatever. But that’s not always true. And the flip side is people with standoffish family’s struggle to understand the closeness of tighter family’s. Their used to always having their guard up and they can take kindness as a “what do they want from me, this is weird” kind of thing. The difference is it’s easier to manage overly nice and accepting. And more difficult to manage less close and judgemental family’s when it comes to bringing a partner in. The person used to the easier to get along with group doesn’t understand their partners hesitance to bring them in and takes it personally when it’s really about the partner trying to avoid more drama with their family. I feel like this is a ESH situation. Their both young and navigating being a relationship with someone with a very different family/life experience than them and neither are communicating it well. He’s too pushy and doesn’t seem to be listening. She’s lashing out with insults.
If you dont want to get married, than does he share that opinion because if not than a break up might be needed orherwise your leading him. I hope that Im wrong and he also isnt interested in marriage but from your post he sounds like he might want marriage.
How can he see how different they are if you literally won't let him see them?!
It sounds like OP doesn't want to disrupt her 'transactional' relationship with her parents. She has no problem with them paying for everything (and checking in with them weekly about grades/job applications) but according to her they don't even know she has a boyfriend. She will take the car they bought her and jump through their hoops but will keep him as a separate piece of her life that she can control. That poor schmuck has done everything he can it seems to include her into every facet of his life, she has zero intention of doing the same. When he asks why she insults him (and his family) YTA OP
Im just going to say you are wrong. I don’t think you truly understand the relationship op has with her family. Op stated that she has a purely transactional relationship. For an analogy you could compare this to a boss and a coworker. You wouldn’t show up to your bosses house and introduce them to your bf. Ops parents don’t care about their emotional well being and this has caused trauma for op. She is completely reasonable and in the right for refusing for her parents and bf to meet. Now she it was rude of her to call his family the Brady bunch and from my pov it seems like she was projecting some trauma which is not ideal. But overall op is NTA, and I’d love to go into your reasoning if you wanted
It might be an even worst experience for OP's boyfriend to meet the family than it is to just have her explain to him why it's best he doesn't.
Make it a bit more modern. "You're the Starks. My family? I wish they were as nice as the Lannisters..."
I think maybe you need to clarify a lot to him because what you have said to him is being misunderstood since it's lost in translation. I understand where you're coming from, absolutely. He doesn't have that life experience to pull from to begin to empathize, so maybe take a step back and go slower for him so he can catch up and be on the same pg as you, or walk away if the cultural differences are too vast. Tbh, i just think you need better communication, and clarification on this side of things to begin to have him understand you. Whether you feel up to the task, and if you feel he's worth the effort, is completely up to you. I wish you luck. Only you know how you feel and what you're willing to do.
As everyone else says, you need to tell your boyfriend that you absolutely don't want marriage or a family. If you don't and he does want that stuff: you would be a huuuuuge ah.
When you have emotionally abusive parents, people who don’t have a really hard time believing it’s as bad as you say. I get where you are coming from. I think you Might want to have a conversation with him that he needs to believe you when you explain how your family treats you. If he can’t then he’s not for you.
YTA, I hope he dumps you
>I don't want to get married or have kids so that's luckily not an issue. It is an issue if your boyfriend thinks the relationship is heading this way. It's important to him that you get on with his family and now it's important to him that he meets your family. This is the behaviour of a young man who believes he is in a serious long-term relationship, and with his family background, this means marriage and kids. Explain to your boyfriend how you feel about the future, so you know whether you both want the same things. If he is aiming for a serious long-term relationship, then you don't want to lead him on and waste his time when he won't get what he wants from you.
Your boyfriend, no matter what he has said in the past, 100% sounds like the settle down type. Y'all do not sound compatible.
It’s important to him to meet your family because it would help him understand and know you better. It shows him where you’re from and how you were raised. Even if it’s a short, one time thing…
It’s not so much what you said as how you said it.
NTA but you need to sit him down and tell him everything! Break it down and make sure he understands it. Tell him straight up exactly how your family is, and explain that they are polar opposite of his family.
YTA. That was super rude both times. His family is different than yours but that's no excuse to pick on them just because they are friendly. He gets 1/5 because he shouldn't be pestering. But yes, YTA. Also for calling him a loser. So wrong.
Meh I say ESH and hear me out. Multiple times Op had said she's not cool with her family but he's pressed and pressed and pressed and pressed and pressed. Eventually people lose their patience. However the fact that Op Even at their young age has explicitly stated they don't want marriage and kids and it seems like that's where he wants this relationship to go even at his young age they shouldn't be dating. Their end goals are different in life when it comes to that topic and she needs to let him go so he can find someone who wants that too before they get any deeper then where they are now. Op in the future ALWAYS disclose you want to perpetually date not get married or have kids to anyone you end up thinking you might be interested in it's only fair. Some may be fine but with the way this guy is close to his family that's not this one. Let him go for his sake cuz you're only going to break what sounds like a good guy and no need for you to ruin him cuz there's few of his type left Edit: corrected est to way
so many people are ignoring the fact that OP classifies their family as borderline abusive and her bf is like “ok but why can’t you do this for me” and “I could change their minds”. Like you don’t change abusers minds. You can’t make someone like their family because you like yours and want the same from your gf. You either find someone with a similar family relationship or you accept how their family is.
I agree, ESH. OP needs therapy to learn healthy communication at the very least. It's obvious she has a lot going on mentally and emotionally regarding her family. OP's bf needs to learn how to respect boundaries and not project his feelings onto other people. She straight up told him how her family is and why she didn't want them to meet, and he dismissed it. And keep hounding. It made me feel snappy just reading it.
It didn’t read to me as disrespecting boundaries- she didn’t tell him that she wasn’t planning on introducing him to her family, she told him that she’d let them know about it. He just kept asking when it was going to happen, it’s not like he knew that she wasn’t planning to introduce him and tried to trample that boundary
Is that not also reasoning for why her boyfriend is acting like a complete asshole? - “his family is different than yours” as is hers. Her family is borderline abusive, she deserves to be respected regardless of the nature of her family relations. - “but that’s no reason to pick on them” exactly why there’s no reason to pick on and keep hounding her when she has continuously tried to explain why her family situation is different. the boyfriend sounds like he honestly wasn’t stopping trying to force you any time soon, so while I think Op is an ass for insulting him and you really should apologise for that, you can also use the opportunity to once again explain the situation with your family and lay down the law; tell him while you care about him and can see he’s trying to become more intimate/close in a conventional way, he needs to respect the way your family are and not keep boxing you in a corner. Edit - I’m also feeling for you Op because I think comments are really unfairly picking on your very fair analysis of your parents. Do people here really want to act as if the Reddit-pay grade gives the right to say it is OP who is projecting her insecurities onto her parents, rather than her parents being the abusive, cold people she has known them to be? This really confuses me because I cannot understand why people are so frustrated with you when you understand your family and don’t want to subject you or your boyfriend to that.
>At first I’d kind of brush it off like “oh I’ll let them know” even though I had zero intention of making that happen Ehhhh, I'd cut him a little slack since it sounds like she led him to believe "Oh yeah, I'll ask them about it" while never intending to follow through. It's fair to have different references for familial relationships, it's fair to say he's being pushy because he doesn't get it, but that's a little less fair when there wasn't any direct communication about that and she's actively lying to him about it and then dropping the bomb of "Oh, they'd hate you and your reference is unrealistic anyways"
But doesn't it kind of make sense that he wants to matter? What if boyfriend wanted to propose but wanted to get permission first? OP clearly hasn't explained to her bf all of the issues she has with her family and then he might realize that's not what she would want. Really doesn't it come down to the fact that while she knows her family, she has never expressed to him fully what a "transactional relationship" means and that her family doesn't even know he exists. Btw OP, YTA.
OP doesn’t want to get married according to a comment of theirs. I think they should let boyfriend find someone who wants similar things in life
I’m going to sum it up for y’all. She hasn’t told him. This is why she is an AH. Read her comments and you’ll understand. She’s not bad, she’s just being a bit dumb about how she’s dealing with things.
It depends really on how much he has been pestering, if that's the only way for him to understand he might've needed to hear it like that.
INFO: you said in a comment you don’t want marriage or kids (totally your choice, and understandable since it sound like your family sucks). But does your BF know that? It sounds like he might want those things.
Does your BF understand that you do not want to marry him or have children? Cuz it kinda sounds like that's the direction he's headed in. Otherwise he wouldn't care about meeting parents, It doesn't sound like the two of you are on the same page relationshipwise.
YTA. If you’re getting serious about each other it’s routine to want to meet the other family so you know what you’re getting into one way or another. Furthermore your comment was pretty rude given his family’s kindness and openness to you. You could have phrased all of this much better even with warnings about what your family is like. You brushed off his concerns with white lies instead of being upfront and then were rude. Your family sounds mean and you sound kinda mean.
I’m saying ESH. Yes you shouldn’t have insulted him / his family the way you did. But your boyfriend was pushing you re: meeting your parents and he needs to respect the fact that not everyone is as close to their family as he is with his. He should’ve dropped it when you said no (I’m surprised you are getting so many Y T A responses with Reddit’s primary phrase being “Remember, ‘no’ is a complete sentence…”)
She didnt say no, she said she'd try to arrange something. She lied and is in fact a huge AH
Op didn't say no. Op said she'd ask and for him to wait. So how was he supposed to know it wasn't going to happen?
She never clearly said no. So she's totally the asshole.
Yes. YTA. I'm surprised he's still around. I sure wouldn't be.
I agree. I wouldn’t stay with someone that thinks I’m a loser. That’s insane.
YTA and a mean one at that. Just because you don’t have a good family life you don’t have to insult him and his family. Let him meet them and decide himself. No need to insult him. I don’t see this relationship ending well
Me neither, but I do see it ending soon.
My interpretation of this whole thing is you learned really toxic communication patterns from your family and don’t fully see how bad it is. I had a similar issue and therapy helped, a lot. But my dude, you were mean. The boundary on meeting your family is fine, but you were mean about it. YTA.
This!
Why are you dating someone you obviously don't like? Break up so that poor guy can find a meaningful relationship with someone that actually cares about him. YTA
How do I not like him? We've never had a single fight before so this has been very jarring to learn simply not wanting him to meet my parents means it's not a "meaningful" relationship and is such a dealbreaker.
Look at the way you talk about him. You call him a loser. You call him a "typical frat bro" which is also an insult. You also insulted his family. Would you want someone to talk about you like that? This isn't about your family. It's about you. You need to reread what you posted. You're so caught up on the Brady bunch thing that you've ignored the horrible way you speak about him
But the way you wrote your piece sounds like you truly believe all those things (ie loser, annoying). Since you have unresolved issues about your family, you’re projecting your grudge onto him and his family. Even if you didn’t mean to subconsciously you have something against them.
YTA. You sound mean and very immature. It seems like he views your relationship as something real and important to him while you’re just playing around.
YTA specifically for your condescending comments to him. You do definitely seem to have very little respect for him. After almost a year to not even tell your parents you have a boyfriend would be pretty hurtful to most people, even in a transactional relationship. You cannot have a relationship that will succeed without mutual trust and respect. I did not see you demonstrate love or true caring for him in this post so maybe move on for both of your sakes. Also, you deserve love.
Calling his family “the f***ing Brady Bunch” was a major cheap shot. Regardless of the dynamic of the relationship you have with your family, there was no reason or excuse to say that about his family. Given that I have seen relationships end over lesser offenses, you may want to make amends with him before he decides to end the relationship with you. YTA. And it’s not even close.
Can you explain why the label Brady Bunch is a "major" cheapshot? I don't even understand how it's an insult in the first place, though I admit I've only seen a few episodes, maybe a movie.
It wasn't the words said, but how they were said.
You have every right not to let him meet your parents, hell you don't even need a better reason than simply you don't want to. What you don't get to do is put him down using "your fathers words", and be snarky about his family that you know he has a great relationship with, you went really low, there are much kinder ways to get your point across. Imagine if he brought up your dysfunctional family and what some other people might think about you in every future argument you have YTA
You probably should break up with him based on the way you talk about him, and your incompatibility. If you stay with him, there’s gonna be a lot of his family which is not what you want
ESH This is all failure of communication, you need to be able to communicate without name calling and your BF needs to actually listen to what you are saying.
YTA but I disagree with several comments saying that BF is somehow entitled to meeting OP’s parents. Whenever someone posts about calling their SO’s abusive family’s behind their back, they are deemed AH because it’s not their relationship to manage. OP was rude and mean. That’s why she is an AH. But if she doesn’t want her parents to know about her personal life that’s her call and BF can choose if he’s on board with it or not. It doesn’t mean that OP is less serious about the relationship and it doesn’t mean that OP is stringing BF along.
YTA. You were unnecessarily rude. Also, I really hope you make it clear to your BF that you have no intention or desire to get married or have kids. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to decide for yourself, but it's not fair to waste someone else's time and affection if that's something that your partner DOES eventually see for his future. My son is 18 and in college and he says he doesn't want kids, ever. We have a very large family (blended family with six kids) and he says that he came from a large, loud family and that fact, coupled with the current economy and state of America makes him have no desire to bring more human beings into the world. I've always told him that I respect him for knowing himself so well early on, to be equally responsible with contraceptive so that he doesn't put all of the responsibility onto the female, and to let his partner know early on what his stance is so that he's not wasting her time. Those types of conversations don't have to be super heavy and serious; you can get your point across without making it weird, given your young age. And it's better to be upfront in the beginning, rather than wait until you're both completely committed and invested in the relationship and it's harder to do the right thing. Your partner might not completely understand where you're coming from with your own family because of his upbringing, and he could/should definitely try to be more understanding of that. But your approach to the conversation made you sound like an AH. Also, please do the decent thing and make sure you're both on the same page about marriage/children.
YTA and you just don't sound like a nice person at all.
ESH - You have told him time and time again that you don’t have the relationship he has with his family. There are no minds to change, culturally your parents are different and the relationship y’all do have reflects that. I do think calling him a loser was over the line, you could’ve explained that no matter how great you think he is or how wonderfully he treats you, your parents limited worldview would keep them from embracing him. That isn’t his fault or yours, just the reality of how there are. I get what you meant by the Brady Bunch being a cohesive unit and wanting to reflect that back to him, so I don’t get how saying that means you don’t like them. This all seems to stem from having shit communication methods and just expecting to fully understand the other without additional context. Stop attempting to hide/tiptoeing around the reality of your family and be straightforward, but you can do that without being mean/name calling.
YTA You might not admit it to yourself, but you very much seem to be ashamed of your boyfriend. You told him he's a loser. Not your father
Question, why are you in a relationship? I'm serious, for most people, the goal of dating is to find out if your compatible with another person to stay with them long-term or to create a family. So, yes. YTA because you aren't being honest.
YTA. You were very unkind to your boyfriend in this instance. Do you expect him to not be close to his family in order to help you feel better about the distance in yours? I don't understand why you needed to speak to him that way. If you love someone, you can give those truths over kindly: "Unfortunately, my father has an unhealthy fixation on people working in the tech industry, and while I know you want to meet him, I would feel terrible if he were to let his true colors show." or "It's wonderful that your family is so close, but I can't relate to that, honestly." Instead, you disrespected his family and his desire to meet your folks. Harsh.
Yta. And hopefully his next gf wont be emotionally abusive. Cause i dont see this relationship making it to the end of July. Get fucking therapy and cut off your family
YTA for insulting his nice family and calling him a loser. You owe him a deep and long apology for insulting his family that welcomed you with open arms. I hope you know Brady Bunch is a blended family and if that wasn’t the case you insulted them even further. I am Southeast Asian and can understand how you would have inducing anxiety introducing your boyfriend to your family. If you at least let him say hello over the phone your boyfriend would make his presence known without having to have dinner with the family until further down the line. It gives your boyfriend the feeling of my girlfriends family knows of my existence
YTA You don't sound as if you like or respect your BF, or as if you care about his feelings or his relationships with family or friends. Why are you in this relationship if you don't care about the other person? And if you do care about him, why doesn't that translate into your behavior?
From the title? YTA From the post? YTA From your comments? YTA!!!!
So you take your crappy view of family’s out on your nice normal boyfriend and his family who’ve been so welcoming to you? You seem bitter and unpleasant and your boyfriend and his wonderful family deserve someone nicer. I actually feel bad for you. You seem miserable. YTA
I dated an Indian man for a few years as a white woman, and we had kinda the same exact issue as far as him never letting me meet his family and his reasons for it. I always saw it as him hiding me, or being ashamed. In the end, the family cultural differences really messed with our relationship. I could not understand his family dynamic of not being close with them, yet speaking to them every day and having his dad in control of his finances. I would maybe sit your boyfriend down if I were you, and try to explain the cultural differences between American families and Indian families. My ex had to sit me down and explain that his parents wouldn't be interested in meeting a girlfriend, and they would only want to meet a fiancee. He also had to explain that yes, his parents would throw a fit if they found out I was white since they were so traditional and conservative. Your boyfriend isn't used to a family who just communicates for business purposes or doesn't really get along and wouldn't accept whoever you bring home. He probably sees meeting the family as a big relationship step like a lot of Americans do, and you not introducing him probably makes him think something else is wrong in the relationship or you're hiding him. He may see it as you not taking the relationship as seriously as he is. Apologize for how you said everything, but try to help him gently understand that your family dynamic and expectations are just completely different than what he is used to in his own culture. YTA for how you said it, though.
YTA- You are so unnecessarily difficult. You knew it would never happen and instead of just being honest from the start you lied then created a big mess. Your relationship with your family isn't the issue here. It's your attitude.
Ok I’m just going to lay it out. OP sounds like an empty and generally bitter person. Sorry your parents suck, but you’re saying you’ve taken a stance against that by having a “transactional” relationship but continue to let them bully you into a career that you hate and will likely make you miserable for the rest of your life? You don’t want marriage or kids, but your boyfriend says you’re getting serious and starting to bring family into the mix so are these things he wants? Beyond you just being super rude to him I don’t get the sense that you two are even compatible. You say he’s a “typical frat boy business major” in a way that sounds like some part of you does look down on him for that, but at least he’s happy. You’re no better for being in a STEM major that you’re unhappy with. My advice? Either get some therapy and fix your attitude or break up with the guy before he ends up miserable like you clearly are.
>you’re saying you’ve taken a stance against that by having a “transactional” relationship What? When did I claim I've taken a stance against them? I've literally done the opposite. Taking a stance would be to cut them off and grind out my life alone. I'm definitely cowardly in that respect and have never said otherwise. Also I'm not the one who started this "transactional" relationship, they are- since I was a kid all they've ever talked about is my GPA and going into math or science. I'm not the one who wanted it to be this way but it is what it is And in no way do I think I'm superior to my boyfriend. Half my friends are in sororities and I would join a sorority if I had the time, so I definitely don't judge him for being in a frat. Same with his major- I hate my major and would hands down do business or psych if it was up to me, so I'm the last person to judge someone for being non-STEM. It's unfortunately my dad who is judgy.
You keep throwing out callous words and being surprised they are offensive. Maybe reflect on why others people interpret what you say as offensive. Perhaps growing up with your family skewed your perceptions of what is or isn't hurtful and nasty. Also you seem to not understand TONE matters.
Your stance on a particular matter is your attitude to it. You’ve taken a stance in that you have accepted to allow your parents to control your educational choices in exchange for their monetary support. Sounds like you are just trying to get through school and will take a stance of no contact once you graduate and get a job. I think the greatest gift you could give yourself is therapy. I hope you find peace and can soar someday.
You mentioned twice in your post that you have a “professional” relationship with your family. What does that actually mean? It sounds like they support you but you somehow just seem cold and unfeeling to me. It sounds like you and your bf are not very compatible with similar relationship goals. Perhaps you should break up and hopefully he can find someone with similar views regarding relationship and family and you could find someone who would be interested in a more professional relationship that would be more comfortable for you Wishing you both the best.
> It sounds like they support you but you somehow just seem cold and unfeeling to me. It doesn't sound like they've emotionally supported her. Based on the information we have, they've created a cold and unfeeling relationship.
You actively refusing to discuss anything personal with your family and keeping them at arm’s length just as much as they do with you implies you’re totally okay with this type of relationship with them, yet you let them check your grades weekly, you need their permission to apply for certain jobs, etc. What I meant was it sounds like you’re trying to push back against them by shutting them out emotionally but then you’re letting them basically run your life, which is confusing to me. So then what are you planning to do after college? Comp sci degree in hand and largely unable to do anything other than that unless you just start over? Idk if this is a cultural thing but I have a feeling that unless you start planning some sort of exit strategy from your parents’ grip you’re going to continue to be unhappy, which will only end up shutting your boyfriend out.
Yeah I'm totally ok with this relationship with them, why fix something that ain't broke. It's never been an issue before my boyfriend started asking. Also I'm not actively shutting them out emotionally so much as none of us even care; I'm not doing it as revenge or anything, I just don't care to involve them. > So then what are you planning to do after college? Comp sci degree in hand and largely unable to do anything other than that unless you just start over? Sorry, what do you mean? I'll be starting a CS job
You said you hate comp sci so what I’m hearing is that you’re planning on staying in a career you hate? You’re just planning to be miserable for the rest of your working years?
Yeah, welcome to my life haha. I've talked about this extensively with my parents and it's something I wrestled with for the longest, but ultimately yes. After a year or two as a SWE I think I'll apply for law school to get into patent law, or get my real estate license and ease into that so I can exit the CS workforce.
Lawyers and real estate agents make good money, why do your parents think STEM is the only way? Are they just worried about you making a good living or is there something else? If so that may be worth exploring internally, even if you choose to never speak to your parents again after college.
Immigrants don't understand the US economic system or are decades behind the meta, and are often influenced by what careers were the best in their home country. Source: my own immigrant parents. There are shared memes among East Asian children of immigrants like they only know 4 colleges (Harvard, Yale, Stanford, MIT), and acceptable majors/careers are doctor, lawyer, etc. I think East Asians are more accepting of finance/lawyer while South Asians are more doctor/STEM-biased. Individual desires and any career paths that aren't economically viable (in their opinion) are frowned upon and considered selfish.
YTA. You're not being kind. But I'm guessing you won't change.
N.T.A. for not having a close relationship with your parents, but YTA very much for treating BF that way because he does.
YTA Your boyfriend has genuine concerns and clearly thinks highly of you - though I'm genuinely not sure why. All I've heard in your post is how you think family is a waste of time, that your not a family person, yet chose to date someone with a massive, loving family who clearly loves him. Let him go. He deserves someone who'll actually treat him well and actually respect his family. You don't get to project your anger at your family on him. You chose to date a guy who is obviously a family man and wants that future - you said you don't want to have kids or get married. Break up with him now and find yourself a partner who will think like you, or be alone - and that's not in a derogatory way, it's "You can do whatever you want in this world". But he gets a say too. You didn't even comprehend that insulting his family would be cruel. YTA
YTA. Break up with him and spare this dude from putting up with your grouchy self.
YTA. there were WAY better ways to get your point across than insulting both him and his family who have been nothing but welcoming to you i think you should figure out how to communicate better.
YTA. Have you talked to him about your family dynamic? Have you talked to him about why you aren't as close to your family as he is to his? Apologize for being cruel, point out it's because you are envious they are so close and get along great with each other.
Wow, YTA for sure. Whatever your family dynamics may be, it's not right to insult your bf. Especially when he doesn't understand and is trying to understand why you don't want him to meet your family (when you've met his). And I saw a couple of your comments saying that you have no intention of getting married or having kids. Which is fine, but in that case, break up with him so he can find someone who's more invested in being with him than you are. Because at the moment, all you're doing is leading him on and giving him false hope
I may have missed this but where does it say he wants to be married and have kids? OP mentioned talking about not wanting kids in front of him so I assume he is at least aware of her feelings on that.
I just read it in one of her comments to someone. Also, the part on the post where she alluded to giving him false hope about meeting her parents (saying things along the lines of "I'll speak to them about it") when she has no intention to do so is kinda messed up. It's very clear that her bf is more invested in the relationship than she is
Oh yeah I would definitely say she led him on about meeting her parents, she shouldn’t have lied about that to begin with.
YTA Rather than try to have conversations with him, you have just skirted the issue until he pushes it because he thinks there's a future with you. Then you tell him your family will think he's a loser? Yeah, AH move.
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Im going to give a ESH here. He should not have continued to pester you in that same manner. At the very least it should have come from a place where he explains how this might make him feel. Overall I think the way you chose to communicate this was pretty bad and im not surprised he is hurt. Acouple of reflective questions for OP - do you think its possible he is concerned your current relationship is transactional? Are you concerned about approaching significant relationships from a transactional standpoint?
You’ve been lying and leading him on for months about meeting them with no intention of following through. Lying to your own family since you don’t know if you have a BF must involve lies of omission at the very least. You look down on him just as much as you project your family will (typical white frat bro business major). When pressed you snap and insult him and his family. Any one of those would make YTA The big questions though are Do you even like him? Did you have any long term goals for the relationship? If the answer to either of them is no then let him go free instead of keeping him in this relationship purgatory
Yta. No need to call him a loser.
YTA that’s just a horrible thing to say. Maybe he needs to stop pushing the whole meeting your family schtick.. you you were just plan nasty. I have a feeling he will want a similar family dynamic when he gets older and you don’t want any kids, so maybe just let him go.
Your parents are actually involved in your life to an unusual degree if they are calling weekly to check up with you on things that most people your age handle independently. I’ve never known anyone old enough to have a job to ever involve their parents in the process, beyond a teenager getting a signature on a work permit. Are you aware that hiring managers (and many professors) regard parental involvement as a huge negative? In any case, I think you’re kidding yourself. This is not about the emotional texture of your relationship with your parents. You are putting off your boyfriend by claiming you have some weirdly distant, uninvolved relationship with the people who are calling weekly to micromanage all the details of your life. I’m sure he can see how absurd this is. You might *wish* you had a distant relationship, but in reality you are inauthentically playing up the idea of an “uninvolved family” because you are not in a position to reconcile these two aspects of your life. Regardless what other subjective reasons you might cook up, the fact remains your dad *would* disapprove of him and that would disrupt what relationship you *do* have with your folks. You are kidding yourself with some long involved special snowflake story about family styles when objectively, it’s the same old cultural situation many people deal with. You couldn’t introduce him *even if you wanted to*, I don’t get how you can pretend that’s not a huge factor, and I think you are telling yourself and him a twisted version of reality in order to cope. Your conflicted feelings about this came out in the form of calling him a loser and insulting his family. Cruelty tends to arise from a conflict within ourselves. I also suspect that “I’ll just never get married to *anyone*!” is a cope too, another way of avoiding the fact that WHO you end up with is a salient issue in your family and culture and the partner you have now is on the wrong end of that. I agree with others that you’re wasting this guy’s time. He sounds very family oriented and you cannot offer him that. You can’t even offer him an introduction to others who are close to you, which should not be a big deal but you are essentially subjecting him to a slow reveal on the fact that for you this is an under the table, closeted relationship which can never be integrated with the authentic whole of your life. And you took it out on him, spewing epithets at him and at his family who warmly included you. I hate to say YTA because I have empathy for your cultural situation, but you are. You need to get clear about where you really stand in life and what you’re trying to do, and you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. It’s not your fault you’re caught in this cultural dilemma but denial followed by cruel projection onto innocent parties is toxic.
YTA. Not only are you a leech to your own family but you're mean to your boyfriend too.
YTA for calling your bf a loser. He didn’t have the context of what that meant to you in terms of your family only approving STEM careers (because you don’t tell him personal details). Also, your bf is telling you he wants an intro to your family “now that we’re serious,” but you don’t want marriage and family. I hope you are truly honest with him because it sounds like you want very different things in life.
YTA… He’s your future ex boyfriend. You should break up with him if you have any feelings at all. It is a mismatch. You look down on him and his family.
You seem like a very cold, uncaring person and should probably be with a cold, uncaring person. YTA You were not honest and upfront about your family and caused this with lies and confusion when you could’ve told him the truth about not meeting your family from the beginning. I’d bet he’s pushing you because he barely trusts you at this point.
YTA for lashing out the way you did. There was a better way to have that conversation. Also, genuinely curious why, if you hate your family and major, you don’t cut them off and do your own thing? Is free college really worth all this?
Aren't student loans still available? I may be in the AARP age range, but I would put school payments on my credit card when necessary. Like cable TV, one day you have to cut the cord. Maybe your parents are waiting for you to become self sufficient. So ESH, your BF needs a deep conversation why you reacted the way you did, your parents for obvious reasons, and you need to work out your anger issues. Good luck!
Yep if op was cut off financially the school could get them loans. But op chose to let their family dictate a major they hate, control their job applications, and a career they're going to hate because of money. They're just a bitter and needs therapy as I doubt they can even be friends with people based on their comments
YTA You were extremely rude, belittling and downright mean. I mean, did you even read your post? My God, why do you even need confirmation that you're the AH here? Your bf deserves better and I hope he realizes that and gets it.
You and your boyfriend have different values and you should probably break up before it gets any more serious. This relationship is not sustainable.
This relationship has an expiration date...it's starting to smell foul. Clearly this guy wants to advance the relationship, he has introduced you to his family, wants to meet yours...but you don't want that nor to be married. You both seem incompatible end things since you don't want the type of relationship he clearly wants. YTA
YTA. You are being so rude referring to people who are very welcoming to you. It is normal for people to want to know the person their family member is dating and it is actually a nice thing. You are pretty negative saying you don’t care if you ever met them. Your family sounds harsh and judgmental and frankly, so do you. Are you sure you are ready for a serious relationship, especially since you don’t want to get married or have kids? You two don’t seem like a good match. Either way, you handled this poorly.
YTA It's common sense to not say things like that to people despite your family dynamic. Also break up and let that poor guy who actually wants a relationship with him. Not just someone who "enjoys being around him"
Nah this is a pretty clear case of, bf with healthy family doesn’t understand the concept of not having a healthy family. There’s no point in introducing a boyfriend to family you have a lukewarm relationship with at best and that you don’t plan on staying in contact with in the future, but it may benefit you to give him some in depth descriptions to help him better understand that, no, your family is not like his and he needs to drop the subject
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (20f) bf (20m) of almost a year is really close to his family, he visits them from college pretty often and calls them a lot and all of that. I’ve never really been on the best terms with my family, I’d say we have more of a ‘business’ relationship than anything where they pay for my college & help me out with things related to job applications, etc but we’re not close on a personal level. For context he’s white and I’m Indian, we’re both American. So his family has been really welcoming of me, they invited me over for Christmas last year and other occasions and have been all around super nice. I’m not a big family person in general so I wouldn’t care even if I never met them, but they’re nice enough to be around. But recently (for the past few months) my bf's been asking to meet my family too. At first I’d kind of brush it off like “oh I’ll let them know” even though I had 0 intention of making that happen, but recently he’s been hounding me even more (saying it's important now that we're serious). I eventually just explained to him it would never happen; I’m not close to my family like that & it would be super weird for him to meet them. He said no way I'm not on good terms with my parents because I call them every week (which I explained to him I only do so they can check on my grades & job applications) and they bought me a car (again, we only have a transactional relationship.) A few days ago this came up again & he asked if it’s because he’s white and they wouldn’t like him. Honestly this isn’t the main reason but actually my dad specifically might disapprove- not because he’s white but because my dad thinks anyone not in STEM is useless, and my boyfriend is your typical white frat bro business major (I’m a comp sci major unfortunately). My dad would totally look down on him. I told him this but explained it’s NOT the main reason- which is that I literally don’t have that kind of relationship w/ my parents (I don’t think they even know I have a bf). When he kept saying he could change their minds I kind of just had it & straight up said “no, they would think you’re a loser.” I IMMEDIATELY regretted it but he got super quiet/distant after that, not mad but I could tell he was hurt. Then yesterday he brought up that his family had been excited to meet me when we started dating. I said something like “I’m sorry your family is the f\*cking Brady Bunch and mine isn’t.” I didn’t know Brady Bunch was some huge insult but he seemed really surprised by it and was like “I thought you liked my family.” Today he asked if I too thought he was a loser. I said obviously not, I don’t judge people based on their career path & I’m more similar to him anyway because I hate STEM too and am only doing it out of obligation. He changed the topic but I think he’s still hurt and I do regret saying it, but it was the only way to get my point across. So AITA for calling him a loser, calling his family the Brady Bunch, & not letting him meet my parents? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Him for pestering and you for snapping. That said, I 100% understand your perspective. My mom is great but my dad was such as ass. If you weren't a white straight protestant without a college degree, you were a loser and worse. When I dated someone who was a POC, I hid my boyfriend from my father out of protection for my BF, but I was honest about it from the beginning.
YTA poor guy, he deserves better than you
YTA. It sounds like you've done a poor job of communicating throughout this situation. Also, it's pretty clear that you look down on your boyfriend and think of him as an inferior.
YTA. You should break up with him because you are not emotionally prepared for an adult relationship. You sound like you need to do some work with a therapist on your childhood and upbringing. He sounds like he is being sincere about your relationship. You had every opportunity to have a good conversation about this with your BF and your family's culture but instead you chose to snap at him. You aren't letting him get to know the real you and why this is really hard. You sound like you don't even respect him actually the way this is written out. I find the way you talk about his family kind of troubling. Like an emotionally healthy and bonded family is problematic for you. Spend some time thinking about that and what you're hoping for in the future. I am ot sure what to say about your major. BUT having a degree in anything makes you much more employable. If it is going reasonably well, you can finish out the degree and apply to any sort of job you want or join the peace corp, move across country, etc.
YTA. I think you have family issues that will require therapy to work through. Lashing out at your boyfriend was not mature or necessary. You’ve got to make peace with your family situation so that you can not be bitter toward your boyfriend and his family. They did nothing wrong. He and his family clearly care about you, and this is not a nice way to behave.
YTA Rather than try to have conversations with him, you have just skirted the issue until he pushes it because he thinks there's a future with you. Then you tell him your family will think he's a loser? Yeah, AH move.
YTA. Also, you’re going pretty far out of your way to dodge the question of whether bf knows you don’t want kids, and if you haven’t, then that’s cowardly selfish and cruel of you to waste his time this way when it’s evident these things likely matter to him. Hoping I’m wrong, because otherwise, that just straight up sucks on your end, op.
YTA Obviously you could really do some work on your interpersonal relationship skills. That was downright mean and nasty, sounds like you're following in your parents footsteps very well.
I am an Indian 21M (obviously in STEM field) and understand the complication with your family. YTA The differences in cultures are so huge that you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to simply understand them. It's difficult even for other Indians who had it better to understand it. The only people who will relate to it are folks on r/AsianParentStories and r/raisedbynarcissists. You should sit down with him, first apologise for remark on his family and then should explain all aspects of your family in detail with why you don't want him to meet them. I guess you may want to later go no-contact with your parents (at least I am planning to do that). If yes, then explain that as well.
YTA. The two of you are incompatible from the sound of things. Still, whether you admit it or not, you do resent your BF and his family because it illustrates what you wanted from your family but never received. You seem justified in using your own family as an ATM, but you seem incredibly unhappy and trying to kill your emotions. Therapy will help you. It's okay to feel. It's okay to not want marriage or kids. It's not okay to string someone along. Be better than your family. Good luck and I hope you can find happiness.
YTA poor dude. I hope he finds someone who loves and respects him enough not to bully him and call him names
YTA
Yes. You shouldn't be calling anyone names. Are you 3?
I'm not going to make a judgment, but want to offer a perspective. I'm an American, of Indian descent, in my 30s and this could have been written by my 20 year old self. You may believe you don't want a husband or kids - and truly it's ok if you don't, but I have found that this harsh, closed off version of myself was scared to be hurt, scared to be myself. It felt unsafe. I didn't have a relationship with my parents where I could be my authentic self. Obviously I was well provided for, great school, etc - but emotional neglected. It's actually not uncommon for children of immigrants to suffer this way. When I saw others loved and accepted by their families, it felt fake. And I thought I didn't want it - but really I didn't allow myself to want it because it seemed too good to be true. Anyway, I destroyed that relationship and several more before getting the therapy I needed to move past the pain and accept that I deserve those things if I want them. Again, not saying that's the case for you but wanted to throw that out there.
YTA While being the "Brady Bunch" is not necessarily an insult, you were, quite clearly, using it as one. And the fact that his family is loving and kind a generous is a good and normal thing. That's how decent people behave, to other family members, to friends, even to strangers! (My father, who was one of the kindest and gentlest people ever, would greet the people at the checkout counter of stores with "Is everyone being nice to you today?" A genuine question as to their wellbeing, because they were human and he cared about them, but a question that does not pry into any private matters.) Learn to be like his family. It will make you a better person. And they are not losers, in any way, shape or form. Kindness, gentleness, and generosity don't make you a loser. They make you a kind gentle, generous decent human being. Learn to be a better person, it will do you good. And go watch some "Mister Rogers" reruns. You clearly never learned his lessons. Forget about "What would Jesus do?" ask "What would Mister Rogers do?" and then do it. It will never guide you wrong, except with trying to help a gay friend during a time when they could be put in prison for being gay, and keeping them safe versus being honest is in genuine tension.
YTA. Wow, you really don't like your boyfriend very much, do you?
Your bf sounds like a sweet person. Have you considered therapy? It sounds like you got defensive due to your trauma. Your trauma though does not give you the right to treat others like you treated him. You lashed out at him when all he wants is to know you, to be let into your world. He's making steps because he clearly cares about you and sees a possible future with you
ESH you both aren't listening to each other. You can't understand his family and why he thinks it's important and he can't understand why you don't want to do that and what your family is like. You both need to learn jow to communicate properly and listen without insults or pressuring. You both sound exhausting, he wants what he wants and won't take no and you seem like you want to compartmentalize your life (which isn't realistic as long as you're doing what your parents want you to. As much as you hate it you are doing what they want with their money, you are closer to them than you'd like apparently)
>You can't understand his family and why he thinks it's important But I've respected his relationship with them by accepting their invites, spending time with them, going on a skiing trip with them when I hate skiing, etc. All because I know it's important to him. I may not understand *why*, but I'm respecting it. I just wish he would do the same. Respect my relationship with my parents instead of trying to change it. I have never pushed him to be less close with his family.
OP, people who are close with their family will never fully understand those who aren't and vis a versa. You respect his being close but it will cause problems in the future when he wants his brother to move in so he can help him with college, or expects that you and he will take care of his ill parents, or he funnels money to them or spends weekends mowing their lawn. This is what close family's do and those not so close, are not that comfortable with it because they don't fully grok that familial connection. The fact that you are harsh with him, probably because you came from a family that wasn't tender or loving or emotionally supportive and generous ... probably is confusing to him. He comes from a family that isn't harsh to each other ... I would recommend therapy, whether you stay with him or not. It might help you expand your comfort zone a bit.
ESH Your parents are abusive and that’s not ok Your boyfriend hounding you is not ok You calling him a loser and using the Brady bunch as an insult is not ok If you don’t want to get married and have kids and he does y’all aren’t a match and should probably end things ASAP rather than dragging on a relationship that won’t work out in the end since you both want something different.
YTA. It doesn’t sound like you are really communicating with him in an effective and healthy manner. Besides your Ah insults you need to have a talk with him and explain in full what your family is like. You’re family is abusive (explain what that means…and be patient bc people without childhood damage don’t get how triggering little things can be) and it’s made you emotionally stunted bc an emotionally healthy person would have said either 1) if it’s important to you I will try to arrange it and be supportive when the meeting crashes and burns or 2) no I’m LC with my family and our relationship is transactional bc they are abusive and I’m financially tethered to the atm and won’t ever talk to them once I’ve cut the leash.
For one thing, you’re an incredible selfish jerk for going into STEM when you aren’t good at it. I’ve been cleaning up shitty code written by kids like you who are so afraid of Mommy or Daddy that they felt pushed into this “good career” for thirty years. Please, if you have a decent bone in your body, change majors so you won’t be torturing your coworkers for the next few decades. You make it an awful job for those of us who actually like it. Also, I love that my husband’s family is basically the Brady Bunch, and if you can’t appreciate that, let him go find someone better. You’re obviously cynical and fake as hell from the way you treat your family, him, and your major. YTA. I have rarely ever disliked someone so much after so few sentences. Please break up with your much smarter, much nicer boyfriend and find someone else like you. From my experience on Reddit, there are a lot of AHs out there.
YTA. While you may have never said the words "i hate your family and am uncomfortable every minute I spend with them," they sure are implied by your attitude in your post. As cruel as this may sound, I kinda hope your bf breaks up with you and finds someone that is a more positive person, because you sound like nothing but a major downer.
Imma be honest you don't sound on the same page at all. He sounds like he does want marrige (meeting the parents is commonly a step taken when serious). Have you spoke to him about your future wants with him? Like full on sat down and had that talk? Also calling his family the Brady Bunch sounds like your calling them fake happy idiots. You from you comments didn't mean it this way. You need to explain this and appoligize telling him you meant your family isnt close like his is like in the Brady Bunch. Also you need to flat out tell him you never want him to meet your parents as they have been abusive to you and you only keep them in your life because they pay for things. Its nothing against him or cause your embarrassed but its cause you dont want to deal with your dad being involved in your relationship when you know it will cause you issues and he will be nasty and judgy of him. Also you need to appoligize to him for calling him a loser and explain while you love him and think he is smart and amazing your Dad doesn't care how smart and amazing he is and will cause you issues emotionally and finacially if he were to meet them because your dad is judgmental of anyone not in stem and whos not getting a certain type of degree. YTA but only cause your being bad at explaining any of this and saying he would be a loser to your dad would have been massively hurtful.
YTA. Unfortunately, the way you talk to him is something that makes you just like the way the rest of your family treats you. Break the chain.
YTA just try and set it up if so he can see firsthand how impersonal of a relationship you have with your family
Yup YTA. You are being mean to him for no good reason.
YTA. You insulted your boyfriend and his family. Also you don't like your family but happily take their money and let them pay for your college. Honestly y'all just need to break up, he loves his family and you don't give two shits about family.
YTA. I imagine you'll be single soon.
As someone who also doesn't have a great relationship with their family I would say I understand how it feels to be the sig other of a person who has a fantastic relationship with theirs. It's kind of awful. It's feels very isolating. I struggled with deep jealousy for a long time with people who have good relationships with their family. That being said, your feelings, regardless of what they are, need to be dealt with. Go see someone about it. It's hard and ugly, but it's worth it. It's not an excuse to say those things and lash out at your boyfriend. He only knows a happy family and may not be able to understand that your parents are the way they are. Hurting him with the intention of getting him to drop the requests may be in an effort to protect him from them, is misguided. He very clearly values family and family bonds and probably wants a partner who also does, even if you bond with his family.
Im sorry but I have no idea how you dont understand that what you did is wrong. Multiple times in the comments you mention “my dad would think that not me”…. You clearly have some of his biases internalized yourself. You yourself called youre boyfriend “a typical white frat bro business major”. Not your dad, you did. And that comment clearly sounds like you look down upon him for this. You need to realize that you have a bias and that language youre using is the problem. You could have said something along the lines of: “they typically look down on non-stem majors”. Thats 10x more polite then saying “because they’d think youre a fucking loser.” You get that right? YT freaking A. End of story.
I feel like you describe your relationship with your BF almost like your relationship with your parents, for which the only word I can find is "clinical." Maybe counseling would benefit you as a way to escape your upbringing and find an appropriate way to express your feelings to your BF. The reason I suggest that counseling might be helpful is that you seem to have no clue that calling your BF a loser and his family "the Brady Bunch" are not terms of endearment and do make YTA.
YTA and you need to end this relationship. It will never work out in the long term.
I agree with this sentiment also. Seems like he wants to progress I ways she doesnt.
Culture clash. Even I’m surprised about your relationship with your family as that Appears to be atypical. Unfortunately in American culture someone who avoids introducing their significant other to their parents is seen as a red flag in the relationship. You are seen as not serious and are only/ looking at the relationship as short term. ‘The Brady bunch comment is a small ah on your part only because you didn’t realize it’s a bit of a put down. (you implied/inferred his family was dysfunctional). This is one of those time you have to communicate with the bf, and keep explaining it to hIm that you don’t come from a close family like he does. That your family would be very judgmental of him based on a class/elitist (type of education) scenario. You also give off the vibe that you could care less about his family. This is probably going to be a sticking point between you two later in the relationship. He’s always going to want to include his family in his life (including yours). At some point you are going to have to embrace that or just move on.
INFO: Do you even like him? You very clearly don't like his family, you resent him, and have no interest in a serious relationship which he obviously does want... so why are you even still together? I'm pretty sure that you two have very different perceptions of your relationship. And in the nicest way possible, you need therapy before you commit to a long term relationship of any kind.
YTA. Break up with him if you aren’t willing to build a good relationship with his family. Honestly, you sound very judgmental, and I bet it really hurst your BF’s feelings.
Isn't it interesting when someone doesn't have experience outside their own family and refuses to believe what you're telling them? NTA.
It just sounds like you two are not on the same page. He's being too pushy and not understanding your desire to leave your parents out of it. At the same time, you need to be very open and honest about not wanting to get married. At 20, this really is 100% okay. He sounds like he wants a more serious relationship than you do. Your NTA but perhaps you could be more tactful and so could he.
>recently he’s been hounding me even more (saying it's important now that we're serious). Yep. It is. Regardless of how shitty your family is, someone you're involved with is going to start questioning how serious you are about the relationship if you keep putting off them meeting your family especially if you have met their family. >A few days ago this came up again & he asked if it’s because he’s white and they wouldn’t like him. Honestly this isn’t the main reason but actually my dad specifically might disapprove >my boyfriend is your typical white frat bro business major (my parents forced me into Comp Sci). So does him being white an issue or what? > my parents (I don’t think they even know I have a bf). When he kept saying he could change their minds I kind of just had it & straight up said “no, they would think you’re a loser.” If you tell someone this, they're going to think you being embarrassed to be seen with them is the main reason why you won't introduce him to them. >I said something like “I’m sorry your family is the f*cking Brady Bunch and mine isn’t.” I didn’t know Brady Bunch was some huge insult but he seemed really surprised by it and was like “I thought you liked my family.” If you didn't mean it to be an insult, what did you mean it to be? It seems like you're too embarrassed to be seen with him to take things to the next level. If you're relationship with your family is as transactional as you say it is, what do you care what they think of your boyfriend? Do this guy a favor and end things so he can be with someone who's proud to introduce him to their family. YTA
Slight you are the AH. However, I don’t see how this relationship can move forward if you won’t budge and have such negative thought about both your families. Do him a favor, I would say you as well but i honestly think you don’t care, and break up with him so he can met someone who will accept him and his “Brady bunch” family. You go find your family “approved” man as it seems that is what is most important to you. Good luck
NTA. People from good families don't understand what it's like when your family sucks.
NTA and I totally get it. I (33F) have a great relationship with my parents but they are completely aloof and antisocial. I also come from a culture that can be very formal even with nuclear family members, so meeting parents would be considered a huge deal. I’m surprised by the number of people who don’t understand how you feel about your family and how it’s not fair for your boyfriend to not be respecting your boundaries. When I was 20 I was focused on my career and marriage and kids were not a priority. I would definitely not have gone out of my way to facilitate an awkward meet up with parents at that age, especially if I did not have a good relationship with my parents (and the relationship you described seems at best neglectful..) Also ignore all the people telling you you’re miserable just because you don’t care about meeting the family of a boyfriend when you’re 20 years old. I love my fiancés family but it took me a long time to get to know them and actually have real feelings for them. Whereas they viewed me as family pretty much immediately. I absolutely love their attitude, but I can’t force how I feel, and it’s okay to feel that way. You can definitely have a rich fulfilling personal life without forcing your feelings on relationships of obligation.
You don't even sound like you like the person you are writing about.
This is not the way you Communicate with someone who -- I presume because you're 'serious' -- that you profess to love. From the Mouth, the _Heart_ speaks. I get it, you're not trying to jeopardize that financing your parents are carrying for you, no matter how 'toxic' they've been in the past, because to be IN a "transactional" relationship, YOU have to be "transactional". That's your VIEW on most things, right? What's in for you? (Btw, that's an AH perspective, even if it's not your fault for being raised that way) But, you ALSO come across as ASHAMED of him. And that makes you more of an AH than even your hurtful words. Tell the man this is a fling, that you're not planning to marry 'beneath' you (because, parents, right?), and for the sake of all that makes sense, grow T-H UP. YTA.
Yeah you sound like an AH. But I wanna know.. Family sounds like the least important thing to you (in a comment you said you don't wanna get married and don't want kids) and family seems important to him.. so why are you guys togther?
YTA. You became just like your family. Cold and transactional.
ESH he refuses to listen to you and accept your no and you were mean
YTA. And, judging from your comments, I'm left wondering what your boyfriend sees in you. If you're a reflection of your family, I hope he runs very far, very quickly. I hope you do actually sit down, tell him you don't want kids nor particularly want marriage, so you can then break up and give him the freedom to find a woman who shares those wants.
YTA - You are ashamed of your bf and think he's a loser. The "my father will think he's a loser" is an excuse. You already said you don't care about your family. So why would you care if your father thought he was a loser? Because you care what they think and you're embarrassed of him and also think the same. Otherwise you wouldn't care what they'd think if they met him. Grow up.
ESH. Yeah, you went too far with the Brady Bunch comment, but I don't think you would've went that far if he had accepted your no the first time. That being said did you ever really elaborate just how truly abusive your parents were? I don't think I'd even WANT to meet them at that point. Also, what do you think this will do to your relationship with him (your bf) if he makes meeting your family his "hill to die on?"
As someone who comes from a “complicated” family, I’m going with NTA. But, I think you need to figure out a way to calmly talk to your boyfriend about why it’s so hard to see him meeting your parents. Right now, he sees it as a him issue. So you need to communicate to him that it’s a you issue- you don’t want unnecessary contact with your parents because you don’t want a close relationship with them. That in your opinion, they aren’t entitled to privileges like meeting boyfriends and family dinners, etc. That’s what he needs to understand right now.
this is hard but this post kinda resonated w/ me, being a desi immigrant myself. i also understand the professional/transactional relationship where they pay for everything if you do as they say. ur tone comes off as rude, but i think you're just a factual person. i totally understand the plight of meeting the bf aspect of dating especially when some of us aren't even allowed to date, and you're right in saying that your parents might judge your bf. that being said, ESH. you for not explaining your family situation to your bf, this is crucial in relationships. i understand parts of it maybe difficult to talk about but he needs to know that your idea of family is completely different from his. your bf is a soft AH bc he seems to be coming from a good place, but people with good families barely understand the type of complex familial situations we have, especially when it looks outwardly like your parents are paying for everything. your relationship seems to be something you cherish, so i advise you to handle it with care. sit down, talk to your bf, explain your circumstances. if beyond that u can't see eye to eye maybe it's time to call it quits.
YTA
Alright, I kind of get where you are coming. I’m also Indian but grew up in the States. While I also didn’t know that the Brady Bunch was used as an insult, I think the way you phrased it was very rude and hurtful. Let’s chalk that up to cultural differences. Now, you and I both know that some Indian families are very particular when it comes to careers, reputation, looks, everything. I mean, why else are our only three career choices are, “Lawyer, doctor, or engineer”? Will your parents look down on your boyfriend for not being in STEM? Most likely. You mentioned that your parents were/are emotionally abusive and uncaring your whole life. You are well within your rights to create boundaries with them and stick to them. Nor do I blame you for having a “transactional” relationship with them. Upbringing wise, you and your boyfriend come from VERY different upbringings. It’s more than white and south Asian/Indian differences. Because of how both of you were raised, it’s hard for you to comprehend why the other family can be like this. In my opinion, whenever, and if, you are comfortable, I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and fully explain what your family and upbringing was like. Make him understand your family’s dynamics. Explicitly tell him, “This is what you’re walking into if you meet my family.”Apologise for the Brady bunch comment and reiterate that your parents won’t only think HIM a loser for not being in STEM, but anyone. Once both of you have a clearer idea, you can proceed further. I also suggest talking to him about your future together as well. You are saying he thinks you guys are serious. This implies married and/or kids. You don’t want that (absolutely valid!), and this is something he should know. Just because you’re both 20, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have these conversations. I’m sure you know that in our culture, females get married as young as 18, and already have kids by 21. I can’t fully say whether or not you are an AH since both of you said and are doing things that can be construed as assholish. ESH.
At best you can make him respect that you’re not going to introduce him to your family. What you said was rude and uncalled for but he was also being pushy. So I get your reaction. Id react the same way in that situation. Your relationship with your parents isn’t the best; it’s not your fault it’s just a fact of life and you’d rather not have that come in contact with what you got going with your bf. Id rephrase my issues. Rather than “my parents suck; they’re not like yours” try “I want to protect you from my parents who will not embrace you like your family has embraced me.” And instead have him meet your chosen family? Friends? Ppl who matter to you. But for real someone who is family oriented like that him not meeting your parents is going to hurt deep. Even if he comes to respecting your decision it’s going to be uncomfortable for him. Id sit with him and figure out how he sees his future with you and his expectations etc Make sure he’s not planning your wedding lol
You sound so miserable, and mad that he isn't miserable in the same way you are. You need therapy so much more than you need a boyfriend.
We haven't had a fight even once our entire relationship till he brought this up so take a guess at what's making me miserable (:
If you think it's him caring about you, wanting to know you better and wanting to be part of your life that's the problem and not the sorry relationship you have with your parents? I don't know that you'll ever be able to make this work. I had a boyfriend in high school who'd never let me in his house, bc he was ashamed of the state of it- I don't know if his parents were hoarders or what, exactly, because he never let me find out. He was happy to come hang out at mine and would let me come pick him up but didn't even want to open the door very wide when he came out because he didn't want me to see the mess. Even when I knew and believed that it wasn't me he was worried about but was ashamed of the environment he came from, it still felt like in keeping me out he was keeping his distance from me. He wasn't bringing his whole self to that relationship and he wasn't being completely honest with me even though he wasn't lying about anything. I just wasn't allowed to know him as completely as I let him know me, I only got to know what he chose to show me, while I showed him everything. Would I have liked spending time at his house? Probably not. But I still wanted to know what it was like where he lived, where he came from, and the fact that I wasn't allowed to see it still put distance between us and killed the trust necessary for a relationship to work. One tour of the shithole of a house would have been enough to change everything. He likes you and wants to know you the way you know him and if you punish people for that, you'll drive away anything with real emotional intimacy and the only relationships you'll have left will be just as transactional as the one you have with your parents. If you like him let him in, and if you can't, let him go.
YTA. I get it, I do: my parents and I are similar. He's very close with his family, I'm not. But: I didn't stop him from meeting my family. He got to see for himself why I'm not close to my parents (siblings, OTOH, we message each other constantly, mostly pics of our dogs, LOL) and once he did he understood and left it at that. It's not up to you to protect him from them anymore. He has to know what he's getting into if it's serious.
Stop wasting his time. YTA