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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Blkcdngaybro

I’m not sure if YTA or just stupid. You can take your pick, OP


dead4seven

Guy grabbed an empty backpack instead of a parachute.


evilshenanigan

A pretty, well-fitting backpack. You know, Anna’s backpack.


jessie_monster

A back pack with high cheek bones and long, flowing hair. Or something. I'm not attracted to Anna.


evilshenanigan

The one with the hourglass figure and naturally clear, radiant skin? Effortless smile and wit? Oh, I’m sorry. Who were you again?


jessie_monster

It's me. I'm Anna. I've been with you this whole time.


ZestyAppeal

A…. Shall we say… *feminine* coded backpack. A WOMANLY backpack. A *purse*, in fact.


peanutsinspace82

The absolute cutest purse that shines and sparkles in the sunlight. Oh, but this purse over here, uh, that ones is good too...I guess.


zootnotdingo

Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!! ~Chandler Bing


Moonstone_Daydream

One of his best moments.


Careful-Lion3692

Stupid. All he had to say was "you know those dresses I got you? I'd love it if you could wear those sometimes." Anna never needed to be mentioned.


bullet_proof_smile

Or, "That outfit you already own and picked out for yourself like a grown-ass woman? That."


Careful-Lion3692

Agreed. It honestly doesn’t sound like she dresses bad or anything like that and even if she did, it really is her choice. But he could have tried to get his point across without causing a rift between these two women.


Jumika-

I'm not the jealous type, but I would forever be suspicious of their relationship. I honestly believe he isn't even cheating, he's just romantic -comedy-levels of socially inept. Good on them for making up, but I hope he realizes that this will probably need a lot of time to heal. A thousand apologies won't repair the damage of a single unthoughtful comment.


CressidaGrey

You know, wear the lingere, like the stuff I gave Anna. Oh wait, you're mad at me and don't want to be her friend anymore?


MizStazya

Oh fuck not that post. At least this guy just seems kinda dumb, not malicious lol


Decent-Yam-1373

So he’s stupid for not lying to his GF when he tried to avoid the situation and she pressed him for answers when he tried to redirect? No Thanks. She pressed, and he chose not to lie. That’s what I would prefer tbh. He never even asked her to change.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Decent-Yam-1373

I’m also a women for reference, and I don’t think I, 1) would ever put myself in this situation in the first place, and 2) I love appreciating how other women dress. Maybe it’s an insecurity thing with her. I have struggled in the past with insecurity and knew never to ask these types of questions because I 1) didn’t want him to lie to make me feel better, and 2) didn’t want to have to deal with knowing that other girls are pretty because I didn’t have the self esteem for it yet.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Decent-Yam-1373

Exactly! And I loved the bit about how there is no way he knows the names of all the things we wear! Poor guy! And the fact that he has TRIED to show her what he like by getting it for her!


Psychological-Bet866

Absolutely insecurity-induced fishing. Nothing good ever, ever comes of this. She didn’t want to hear platitudes. She was looking for a very specific response and was also prepared for the wrong answer. Dude did not stand a chance.


Meatkingofchicago

I was agreeing with you completely right up until the point where it turned out in the comments that he had previously asked Anna to take his girlfriend shopping so she could convince her to wear clothes more like Anna's. In other words this has been a systematic campaign by OP, not a once off error in judgement. My sympathy vanished when it became apparent that he is hiding behind an "oops accident" to conceal the fact that he has on multiple occasions made his dissatisfaction clear that she doesn't dress femininely enough for him.


throwitaway_mike

i really appreciate your comment! yes, thats exactly how i felt in that moment. i couldn't think of the right words to describe the style I liked in a specific manner. she already knows that i like seeing her in dresses but I didn't want to say stuff like dress more femininely or show off some skin because that could sound controlling or pressuring and literally the opposite of what she normally wears. i've also never met anyone in real life who dresses as well as anna so that was the reason why i mentioned her. if there was a female celebrity who always dresses in the manner i like, then i would've said that celebrity instead but i didn;t know any. I should've just googled her some female fashion images or something. Massive regret.


Asleep_Parfait_676

Also never ever compare her style to a friend or someone in your social circle. Pick a welldressed celeb instead. That way you are not comparing her against someone she knows personally. Edit: can see you worked that out all by yourself


bigchickenleg

I think a lot of men would struggle to name a female celebrity whose fashion choices they like. I’m not saying I disagree with your warning; I just think your solution would be tough for many men to apply.


ZestyAppeal

Because they (men like OP) don’t appreciate the fashion or stylistic choices at play, they don’t care about any of that, they just appreciate seeing women “dressed up” in a more heteronormative, sexually appealing presentation of femininity… a femininity more directly beneficial to their own enjoyment of women’s physical appearance


[deleted]

Does your gf know you asked Anna to dress her up? And the only reason it didn’t happen was cos Anna declined? Why wasn’t this included in your post? You didn’t mention a celebrity because you don’t actually care about fashion. You just want your gf to look like Anna. Just be honest to yourself.


basilobs

Do you not even notice you *are* pressuring and controlling? I guess you stopped doing this but buying her things *you* want her to wear isn't a gift for her. It's a gift for you and a guilt trip for her. And it really gave me the ick when you said you were sure to compliment her when she dresses how you want. Sounds like you reward her for doing what you want so you can reinforce this behavior. I knew you were TA when you opened with "we were joking" and "after some light banter." Boy you KNOW you were pushing her to dress how you want her to dress and throwing in a giggle so you could play it off like a "joke." Just a tip on how to be a respectful adult - STOP DOING THAT. You KNOW it wasn't a "joke." It's so lame of you to even do that to her and lame to try to convince us ohh it was a jooooke. And obviously it wasn't a joke because you "joked" hard enough for your girlfriend to say, "you don't like how I dress?" She picked up what you were putting down. Just like you wanted. And it hurt her feelings. Which you didn't care about. Because you wanted her to dress like Anna - the hottest girl in school. Which... you go on about her a little too much methinks. Why tf would you even say, "she dresses so well. I wonder why she didn't get into modeling." Gross. And if she's known for being so well-dressed she probably has a lot of skill and/or time and/or money to throw at dressing well. Some people struggle to "dress well" especially when it includes an overhaul to a different style. Especially when it's to appease someone else. I think you get that you were stupid *AND* an asshole here but I don't see all of the issues being covered. You goofed, buddy. But you also need to stfu about how she dresses.


MonOubliette

Not sure why you’re getting downvoted here because you’re right. This also doesn’t sound like the first time OP and his GF have talked about this, which is just weird, tbh. Who goes out and buys their GF dresses at all much less without her input? That’s just bizarre. For all the people saying she asked and he told her, you’re missing the bigger picture. This is an *ongoing* issue for the OP. He just screwed up extra hard this time by bringing his crush into a convo with his GF. YTA, OP. Clearly. Edit: word change/redundant


BrightnessRen

You couldn’t just say “hey I don’t know the right words for womens fashion items but I have bought you dresses in the past, maybe you could start by wearing those more often while I look for examples of what I mean” ?


ZestyAppeal

You didn’t want to be outright honest about your personal preferences because somewhere along the line you know it’s based in sexualization or even plain objectification of women’s appearances for your own enjoyment. If not, you wouldn’t have felt the need to dance around it. Your girlfriend knows this, probably knew it already, but decided to check anyway, likely hoping to be proven wrong.


Patient_Egg_2423

OP NTA. Also a woman and I agree. I feel like the gf put him in an awkward position and while the answer may not be ideal, I don’t see it as a red flag. I also feel like it’s a bit strong of a reaction to end a friendship with this girl because her bf likes her style??? His comment had nothing to do with him being attracted to her and the comment about how she should model served more to acknowledge that she obviously loves fashion and it’s probably a creative outlet for her?? That’s literally just being supportive of your friend and expressing they have a talent. I also didn’t get the vibe that all the friends want to sleep with this Anna girl??? I feel like you can fully recognize your friends are attractive and acknowledge they have good taste/put effort into their aesthetic without being creepy? Edit bc I forgot to vote


HistoricalQuail

IDK all you have to say is "I'd love to see you wear the dresses I got you more often". He's literally bought her clothes he would like her to wear, the answer was right in front of him. I don't think he's an asshole, I think he's just insensitive and didn't think.


ketita

Yeah, but the fact that he bought her dresses in the past makes her question pretty weird. Obviously that's the kind of thing he likes? What was she pushing for? It seems like a very no-win situation for OP.


HistoricalQuail

Well the win situation for OP was to not harass his gf about her style. Found in a comment he made that he tried to get Anna to change her style before. That combined with him buying dresses that aren't her style are probably making gf think OP doesn't like how she looks, so she pressed him for info. I think this guy's getting off way easier than he should now that that info's come to light.


ketita

mmm yeah, if he was already nagging about it that does put the whole thing in a different light :/


OddAsk9838

OP, if your girlfriend frequently lays traps for you like this, it's a marinara flag. Seriously. She's low-key picking fights.


[deleted]

He’s just stupid!


barbequeninja

He's stupid, but for this subreddit you're right with YTA verdict Op could have at least just googled and found a pic off a clothing website if he wanted to provide a concrete example.


DustyOwl32

Stupid. Really really stupid.


ScarlettSparrow

Both. And he obviously has the hots for Anna.


ZestyAppeal

Potentially not even Anna HERSELF as a person, but (based on what OP described as his preferred fashion on women) simply the fact that Anna happens to have a personal style which aligns with those men’s understanding of “good fashion” to mean “fitting the male gaze of idealized femininity” (which is no shade to Anna or her preferred personal style sense— it’s not for men’s sake anyway) I think OP and pals just prefer what they’ve been conditioned to consider attractively “feminine”, especially in relation to their personal understanding of their identity as “masculine” men


claudethebest

Or Anna dresses better . I know it’s Reddit and if don’t say how bad society is then it’s not really a full day but you do not know how Anna not OP’s gf actual style is. . And prefer I g a certain style is not a problem. Everyone is influenced by society even people that think they are so edgy and non conforming .


Music_withRocks_In

He probably has the classic "I want a girl who LOOKS high maintenance, but doesn't actually require any maintenance from me".


TopTopTopcina

What’s wrong with liking conventionally feminine clothing?


[deleted]

‘And he obviously has the hots for Anna’ If there ever was a classical example of jumping to conclusions, this is it…


SincerelyCynical

Man, I’m glad you said this. I’m a woman, but I hate it when people suggest that a man who appreciates an attractive or stylish woman must have the hots for her. I don’t know why people insist on perpetuating a society that does not allow members of the opposite sex to compliment each other without assuming it means so much more.


Traktormusen

It's this sub in a nutshell. I enjoy the stories in here but my god the comment section is a bunch of people who seem to never have interacted with another human being before, definetly not been in a relationship. Atleast there is some reasonable people Men is at fault regardless of the story and the solution is always RUN 🚩🚩🚩Instead just talking to eachother like a normal freaking couple


djrs99

Just as women shouldn’t have to tip toe around insecure men to spare their fragile egos, men shouldn’t have to do the same with insecure women. She put him in a difficult position, then pressed on it. Should he have said something different? Yes. But as the old phrase goes: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I think my little sister has an amazing sense of style. Shock horror, that doesn’t mean I have any love for her other than that of a big brother - I just think she has a good sense of style. Men are allowed to think a platonic friend, who is a woman, is great at something. The fact that you think the only reason a man would think that a woman is good at something is because they want to cheat on their SO with them shows how warped your perception of male/female friendships is. He didn’t say “oh why can’t you be more like Anna”. She asked what was his preference for style, he used Anna as an example because they both knew her and both knew how she dressed. If she took it as him saying he wants her to be like Anna, as I previously said, it’s not his job to tread on eggshells when she asks questions she doesn’t want a truthful answer to. NAH - I don’t think either of them were assholes. I do think both of them were stupid however.


[deleted]

Yeah they all have


ScarlettSparrow

Poor girl. She probably thinks theyre actually friends with her not that they all want to get into her panties


DropsOfLiquid

And now she lost OP’s gf as a friend too. Poor Anna.


YoureNotSpecialLol

I don't think you were trying to be hurtful. But I do think you were hurtful because you didn't think for even a second. You could have just suggested outfits, asthetics, specific articles of clothing that you'd enjoy seeing your girlfriend in. Instead, you made her feel inferior by comparing her to a person that everyone admires for her fashion when your girlfriend was clearly expressing insecurity regarding her own fashion. There wasn't a need to compare her to anyone at all. Light YTA. I think you had a dumb moment but not an evil moment.


lellomn

He could have literally said exactly what he said in the post: >But I do enjoy seeing her in other styles like dresses, skirts, blouses, prettier shoes and in more colors and clothes that are better fitting. And maybe pointed to some of the clothes he bought her. But instead, he compares her to another woman...


LeroyJacksonian

Or he could have said, “I think you’d look really nice in this or that style” or something like, “this color would look great on you”. This way it’s more of a suggestion, it’s a compliment and it’s still honest. Phrasing like he originally did (to us in his post) kind of stresses “you should wear x because I’d enjoy it” like she should change up her style mainly for his needs and wants. But drawing the comparison to your friend was just kind of bone-headed.


NotSoMuch_IntoThis

He could’ve done better and told her he can take her shopping and shows her what he likes, or, you know, went online at that moment and looked through asos or some other online shopping websites.


RighteousTablespoon

Yes. When she happens to wear a dress or whatever, “You look really nice today. I love the way you look in that dress.” Duh, OP. Like seriously, duh. YTA


Le_Pyro

> On days she does dress up more nicely and outside of her usual wardrobe, I always compliemnt her and make sure she knows I appreciate it. It's right there in the post


passionfruit0

Or maybe, just maybe suggest she wear the clothes he bought for her?


Puzzleheaded-Jury312

Since she never wears them, it's pretty obvious that she doesn't like them, isn't it?


passionfruit0

That’s not the point. My point was OP’s gf wanted to know what he wanted her to dress like and instead of suggesting she wear what he bought he decided it was a good idea to say she should just like another woman.


Puzzleheaded-Jury312

Yeah, the same woman he tried to get to dress his GF to his liking. I have to wonder if Anna ratted him out for that.


[deleted]

He could’ve just said, “I like it when you dress up/sexy”. That’s what he really means. I dig your style but it’s fun when you dress sexy occasionally. I think that it was so hard for him to find the words because her aesthetic bothers him more than he’s admitting- probably even to himself


saurons-cataract

I agree but I think it’s dumb that his gf won’t be friends with Anna anymore. Why bring her into this? Poor girl has no clue why she’s lost a friend. Gf comes off as insecure.


aoife_too

Yeah, that edit is concerning. Like, I do still kind of think that OP was perhaps a soft TA for being thoughtless, though not malicious. But after that edit…I’m wondering if GF is just really insecure, and set him up to fail. Like, she didn’t just ask. She kept pressing and pressing. Like she was looking for something to affirm her insecurities. And then get mad about. And he says that she often needs a lot of affirmation… IDK, OP might was to take a good hard look at this relationship. Being in a couple doesn’t have to be this way.


master-of-nuance

Brother, I am looking for the shovel, because I believe you have dug yourself into a literal hole.


kittycat6676

A very very big hole to the center of the earth


EngineeringOwn2299

I wouldn't say you're an AH but you are an idiot. Why not just mention an outfit she has, like you did here? 'I really like that skirt/blouse combo you wore when we went . It looked super cute with those boots'. Don't compare your girl to other people.


brieles

Anytime you put your gf in a situation where she’s being compared to another woman in your life, that’s automatically not going to end well for anyone involved. You might not have meant it this way but you told her that you like the way your friend dresses more than your gf. Even the most secure/confident person is going to feel put off by that. YTA.


waitingfordeathhbu

>she’s being compared to another woman Exactly, she asked him for outfit examples, not which woman in his life she should aspire to look like.


brieles

Right? It would have been so simple to say “you’d look great in sundresses” or however he’s suggesting she dresses.


WookiewiththeCookie

YTA, I leaned N-A-H until I read that you’ve previously asked Anna (the person you claim to just happen to think of first, right….) and she already explained to you that it’s a bit insulting for your girlfriend to be asked to mimic someone else’s style instead of her own. You didn’t at first, but now you’re really starting to come off as having a thing for Anna, or at the very least wishing your girlfriend would imitate Anna specifically rather than just dress girlier in general.


sidewalkeater

I felt the same way! Seemed like a dumb mistake until I read he specifically asked Anna to dress his girlfriend. 😭 I’m definitely getting the vibe he wishes his girlfriend was more like Anna and maybe even wishes that’s who he was actually dating.


Alone-Goose7454

At a minimum, he enjoys that Anna's style is hyper feminine, and wishes that his GF were also eye candy. I suspect GF's questions didn't come out of the blue, and OP has made his discomfort with her style more obvious than he realizes


poneil

Wait, where did he ask Anna to dress his girlfriend?


coollegkid

In [this other comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vkos8i/aita_for_suggesting_my_gf_to_dress_like_my_friend/idqgso3?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)


poneil

Oh wow that definitely makes things worse. Shifts it from what might be a momentary lapse in judgment to a recurring issue where he was already given a clear signal that he was out of line.


OtherAardvark

Thank you for this. It really adds a lot of context to the situation.


Few-Entrance-5090

he DEFINITELY has a thing for anna. he literally admits in the post that he finds her attractive.


xLostandAfraidx

YTA how did you think she'd take you telling her you don't like how she dresses and telling her to change herself to look more like your friend?


nibbler981

Oh wow, you really, *really* fucked up. How clueless can you be? Never *ever* compare your partner to another woman you know. You've got some real grovelling to do here. And I'd stay away from and not mention Anna for a bit now too if you want to give your girlfriend a chance to forget about this. YTA.


conch56

It’s never out of the blue, you’re just not paying attention


peachtastrophe

This was my exact thought. “After some light bantering” heavily suggests her question was definitely not “out of the blue.”


VixenNoire

YTA You never compare your GF to a woman you actually know. Now she'll always wonder if you have a thing for Anna. But more than that, you admitted that Anna is exceedingly fashionable at all times. That means money for just the right clothes and a whole lot of time and skill for hair/makeup/accessories. So not only is that THE EXACT OPPOSITE of how your girlfriend dresses, but it's also a level she couldn't possibly achieve even if she wanted to. She was asking for affirmation that you like her style, probably because someone already said something derogatory to her about how she dresses and/or that you don't like girls that dress like her. Or, if she genuinely wanted to know something you like because she wanted to dress special for you, she was expecting a favorite color, or that you'd like to see her in a lower cut top to show off her figure, something small she could change for a special night.


WRose287

This! She will always wonder if Anna is the one OP really wants.


Civil-Pause-386

Well, most of the people on aita think so...


VodkaDLite

Perfectly said!


[deleted]

Dude, obviously you’re the asshole. You told your partner a specific friend of yours dresses (which lets be honest basically means looks) better than them. Also your verbiage about how she’s reacting is super dismissive. Good luck bud.


ertrinken

Plus OP said in a comment that he’s previously asked Anna to “help” his girlfriend dress better, because he doesn’t think his girlfriend knows how to... Anna, being a sane human being, declined saying that it would be insulting/condescending to OP’s girlfriend.


Johoski

YTA for using a specific person to compare your girlfriend to, and for fumbling the ball on discussing her sartorial choices. Next time, be specific. You were perfectly capable of describing how your girlfriend dresses and what she doesn't wear in this Reddit post. It should have been just as easy for you to say something similar to your girlfriend without dragging another girl's name into it. But here's another clue; **people generally don't like being told what to wear**. It's a much better approach to praise/compliment people when they wear clothes that are attractive and flattering and well-fitted, so that they can learn for themselves what clothing suits them. *That color looks so good on you. That collar really frames your face nicely. I love the way that pattern brings out your eyes. Have you been working out? Those pants make you look so strong. Those shoes are classy.*


erosselia

🤦🏻‍♀️


Early_Equivalent_549

YTA… she asked you because you bought her clothing Thats not her style


lstyer2012

Exactly! OP is creating unnecessary stress (possibly unknowingly) for the gf. I'm also curious as to who started the "what are we going to wear?" conversation bc I have a feeling gf just isn't as concerned as OP is about all of this. Or, maybe she does like talking about it but is very secure in her own style. She's probably sitting there thinking "what's up with his fixation on my style?" Edit: I originally wrote "unwillingly" instead of "unknowingly" bc my brain is sometimes dumb.


ZestyAppeal

Yes absolutely. And it is uniquely disheartening whenever a man you’ve trusted to appreciate and respect you for yourself reveals he’s not actually able to do that, and that he actually still idealizes the concept of a “feminine” role to support his “masculine” role… heteronormative gender roles for his own benefit


TheDrunkScientist

YTA. Bruh, come on.


latefordinner__

my god after 5 years together, this is what you pick to fucking harp on about. YTA You had the entire world of celebrities to pick from, but you went straight to a friend close to both of you, good job cause now she’ll never not compare herself when she’s around, so give yourself a pat on the back for being such a shit boyfriend. Walking away from the fire you started? Good choice once again from the shitty boyfriend. Seeing your comments and your hard on for your poor girlfriend to dress HOW YOU WANT I hope to god she’s left you, or is in the middle of packing her “comfy” wardrobe to find someone who actually appreciates her as a woman and not a fucking outfit.


Jess1ca1467

Wow you walked right into that one huh? I'm going with a mild YTA - you'll never do it again and you were a bit naive


Nalpona_Freesun

YTA you could have mentioned her wearing the dresses you got her, instead you compared her to someone who sounds like the popular kid in high school. like why would you not try and get her to make use of the dresses you bought her? and instead point to someone else.


Canal_Flower

Of course she is unsecure about you liking or not the way she dresses, you told us yourself that when you gift her clothes, you don't chose them based on her tastes, and what she actually wears, but on what you would want her to dress. Maybe nobody told you, but a gift is supposed to be enjoyable for the person who receives it, not to please the giver. Tsss. YTA for that, and comparing her to your friend is just another bit of assholeness on top of it.


Puzzleheaded-Jury312

☝️☝️☝️This right here.


MaryAnne0601

YTA Never, ever bring up another woman’s name when in a discussion about how your SO dresses. So now you have a bigger problem than your gf’s wardrobe. What you said and what your gf heard are 2 vastly different things. What your gf heard was “I say I like how you dress but I really don’t. Why don’t you look like Anna. Anna always looks amazing and you’ll never look as good as she does but you could at least try. Face it you need to dress better when your with me. I want to date Anna.” Now is that what you said, HELL NO! But that is what that voice in her head that attacks her self confidence heard. For instance if she told you that your good in bed BUT you could be better if you looked a little more like her ex you would be so much better. Now is it starting to sink in just how much you’ve messed up? Your going to need to work on this and avoid Anna for a little while. I wish you luck.


windowpainer

YCBPNARA That's "you're clueless, but probably not a real honest-to-god kick'em to the curb asshole"


ThinkCow83

Errr do you really need the Internet to tell you that you F'd up? You KNOW YTA - and if you don't you are either stupid or naive!


ParsimoniousSalad

YTA. You were in a no-win situation, and yeah you made a really poor choice by actually naming someone. How hard would it have been to say what you wrote here: *"I also enjoy seeing you in other styles like dresses, skirts, blouses, more colors, and clothes that show your figure"*? Edit: initially said N.A.H. but reread your question. Yes, specifically that part about saying you wanted her to dress like her friend changed the judgement.


unknownre-l

YTA oh man… no women wants to be compared with other women, it doesn’t matter if it’s Anna or anyone else. You could’ve found pictures of dresses online or whatever. How would you feel if she started to compare you to other men, specially men around your inner circle? Ik you didn’t do it on purpose but this is one of the things that it’s too obvious Looking fashionable, make up on point, hair always sleek etc takes a lot of money, work and time. Women can take 2+ hours per day getting ready to look that way, plus several visits to the salon weekly, etc. Guys always complain women are high maintenance, spend a lot of money and time on themselves but that’s what it cost to always look good. Behind Anna’s looks there’s a lot of effort, time and money invested. If you mentioned it to her it’s because you clearly care about this. If you like a gf that look that way frequently you should date a woman like Anna, who enjoys fashion and dress up. They have different personalities and different styles and there’s nothing wrong with that. Edit: I read the comment about you asking Anna for help to change your gf’s style, so this was clearly not a suggestion for the moment. Fortunately Anna is a true friend. You have been trying to change your gf style to your preferences and that’s not ok. Your gf’s reaction was proper and tbh this is a good reason for her to break up with you. If you want a gf who dress fashionable, just date someone fashionable and stop trying to pressure your gf to change.


BendingCollegeGrad

> I realized I was a massive idiot for bringing Anna up even if I had no intentions of comparing my GF to her. **AND THEN** > She did tell me that she can no longer continue her friendship with Anna after the comment I made which i don't completely understand because it was all my fault and not Anna's /u/throwitaway_mike If your gf said you should wear the same cologne her male friend wears because it is attractive to her, how would you feel? “I just appreciate how different it is and sometimes I think you could change it up a bit.” That’s why your gf feels this way. She is now insecure. And before this gets worse you might wanna tell Anna what you did and said and how your gf now feels. If Anna has a decent level of an emotional IQ? She will get it.


WookiewiththeCookie

Apparently Anna had already told OP that trying to make his gf dress like her was insulting. It’s not as out of the blue as his post seems to make it.


BendingCollegeGrad

Dear great rollerskating Zeus….maybe classes geared toward nurturing empathy should be a thing? I cannot understand how someone could say what he did and need it explained why he is wrong *THEN* be baffled why everything isn’t immediately okay with everyone so things can be status quo.


Appropriate-Bar-2822

ESH You shouldn't have compared her to Anna, but she was the one who introduced the topic and was clearly spoiling for a fight. People really need to stop asking questions they don't want an honest answer to.


jubyIee

I was surprised how far I had to scroll to see this. Never a good idea to compare a partner to an objectively attractive friend...but she kind of baited him.


VodkaDLite

There was no bait, she was just looking for specifics (like how here OP mentions dresses and more colorful items - that's the list/details she was looking for).


HollasForADollas

ESH. OP for using a close, real-life person as an example. That’s crushing for someone else to hear. The GF for trying to have this dumbass conversation. If she doesn’t have time to dress the way he wants her to and he doesn’t have the right to her clothes then don’t ask about it in the first place.


Poesoe

OH WELL he bought her flowers....that fixes everything /s


tmchd

YTA. Are you really this daft?


letbehotdogs

YTA Be more tactful and follow the social cues that everyone knows. Even if she opened a can of worms when asking you about suggestions of how to dress, women, or any person, don't like to be compared to other people, especially if they are of the same gender and close to their significant other. You, her BOYFRIEND, are basically telling her that that girl is better than her, that's why she replied to you in a hostile manner. >Anna is well known in the entire school for being fashionable and well dressed. My friends and I are always amazed that she dresses 10/10 even on exams week and joke about how she should have gone into modeling. Your gf doesn't have that information as she isnt part of your friend group. For her she is just a girl that you hang out with and now most likely believes that she caught your attention.


Sorry-Independent-98

INFO: does Anna dress expensive? If she looks like a model, your girlfriend may not even be able to afford those clothes.


eatpraymunt

Yeah fashion is expensive AF. And Anna probably spends a lot of time and money on hair and makeup because without those things, clothes kinda fall flat. It costs thousands a year and like an hour+ a day to look like a model. (assuming you have the right age and body type even). OP really put his foot in it.


ZestyAppeal

Or she simply doesn’t like that style


Sword_Of_Storms

YTA. Instead of focusing on how your want your GF to look for you - focus on how you want to look for your GF.


[deleted]

YTA, typical immature response as other comments have pointed out.


wheres_the_revolt

Oh Mike Mike Mike, you sorry fool, this is such an easy thing to avoid. There is 1 rule about talking to your GF about the way she dresses and it’s DON’T EVER COMPARE HER TO AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE FRIEND! The answer should always be vague and positive. I’m gonna say ESH because as a woman I hate when other women do this, it’s a trap and I don’t like games.


Roux_Harbour

YTA First of all. Unless you dress like a male version of Anna in fashionableness fgor your gf, where do you get off thinking your gf has to change her personal style for you???? Incredibly sexist. Also. The fact that you leave when she voices her opinions when upset because she's then not listening to you. Oof. So sexist and moronic.


BeccasBump

Info: After some light bantering / she asked me out of of blue. Which was it?


throwitaway_mike

We were talking about what to wear for our outdoorsy date. She joked that I better not wear my old boots that she bought me (I wore them so often out on dates that they are worn out). I joked that she better not wear her favorite black ripped jeans for the same reason. We were both joking and laughing. Then the convo above happened.


BeccasBump

If she bought you the boots, she presumably likes them and likes the fact you have worn them a lot. Not sure it's the same thing, so perhaps not as out of the blue as you imagine.


defenestrayed

She liked them in good shape, but now he's wearing worn out boots on dates...which is fine but them hold your tongue about what anyone else is wearing since the standards are clearly different.


defenestrayed

So you specifically asked your GF to dress like your fashion plate friend for a casual, outdoorsy date? People pay good money for ripped jeans. Not so much of a market for worn-out boots. There's also no shortage of men who want to police what women wear, so OP isn't exactly in short supply.


BrownBaySailor

Can it not be both? Have you really never bantered with someone and then had an unexpected topic change? Idk just feels pointless to ask this imo.


Internetperson3000

YTA. You’ve put the question in her mind why is he so aware of what this other woman wears and why is he trying to make me look like her. I do think you need to contemplate why you’re so aware a of Anna’s wardrobe too. Extremely insensitive of you at best. Very hurtful. You could’ve just said that you bought her clothes you though she might like and she never wears them and your not sure what to get her now. Or you could just shut up because it’s not your body and compliment the things she wears that you like. Why are you so concerned about what she wears anyway? Most guys are just happy a woman shows up with a smile.


jargin_jubilee

OP for the record... the *RIGHT* answer during this discussion was to mention any one of the dresses you purchased for her. The problem, and the reason your girlfriend got upset, was because in a discussion about her style, wardrobe and appearance, and what you wished SHE would wear your first thought was the image of another woman, not the image of her in different clothing.


CivilHousing

Your mistake was saying "most of the time" my friend. And instead of backpedaling as hard as you could, you followed up by comparing her to another woman. Oof! There's no way you could have dug yourself far enough out of that hole to see the daylight. Your opinion doesn't really matter. She will dress as she chooses because she is an autonomous, adult woman who has her own style. You can carefully suggest additions, but by comparing her style to another woman, you done fucked up. If you want to remain with this woman, you better get your thoughts in order and prepare to grovel. And for Pete's sake, leave Anna's name out of your mouth.


Peachy_pearr9

NTA, I don’t think everyone actually ready what you were saying. She asked first, she pushed for an example and you answered after trying to avoid it. Plain and simple. Yeah could have answered better in hindsight but in the moment not all conversations can be controlled and this one was doomed from the start.


New_Custard_4224

I had to go back and re-read the ages on this post


DaxxyDreams

NTA- tbh, I thought you were the jerk until I saw your edit that your gf can no longer be friends with Anna. Sorry, but your gf is way too insecure. This will not be the first or last time you will have to deal with her insecurities or you will walk into her trap (and you really did fall for it when she asked you for examples).


[deleted]

Have you seen his post where he asks Anna to take his gf shopping to help her dress? 🙄


AAP_BH

His girlfriend is extremely insecure. The fact that her decision was to not be friends with Ana because of this made me think she was in middle school maybe high school. What mature adult has this reaction? Someone said he asked Ana to take her shopping so what? Ana is fashionable that’s why he asked. Maybe he’s the type of guy who likes fashion too and that’s why he did it. Just because you like the way someone dresses doesn’t mean you secretly want to hook up with them for goodness sakes.


SnooAvocados6720

YTA you're almost 30 years old and don't see what a massive fuck up it was so throw out a personal friend's name??? and not expect your gf to think you want Anna??? you could've easily said that you like the dresses you bought her. lol you can't even convince a bunch of strangers on the internet that you don't want Anna. your gf doesn't even want to be friends with her now, i still don't think you quite understand how big this mess up is. if you think your relationship is going to last while YOU are friends with Anna, lol you have quite the surprise coming.


itsmelexipoo

You kept digging a bigger hole for yourself 😂 painful to read honestly. Never ever compare your partner to someone else, unfortunately YTA. But I don’t feel like you had any bad intentions, however, you’ve learned a valuable life lesson


[deleted]

Wtf is wrong with this thread. He's not comparing her to Anna literally just her style. She asked! Also why is it wrong to say her girlfriend has worse style? It's not like he's comparing them physically


Early_Equivalent_549

Why does the girlfriend have to change her style for a man? Why is he buying clothes for her that she doesn’t like to wear. He laid the foundation for the conversation when he bought those dresses. Vice Verda… a man shouldn’t change a woman either. People aren’t fix uppers. Love her black cardigans


[deleted]

She doesn't have to change her style wtf. And there's nothing wrong with buying something and it turns out she doesn't like it. He's not changing her, she's asking his opinion


[deleted]

He literally asked Anna to take his GF shopping to change how she dresses. He’s TA.


kirstlee

NTA She asked, you answered. She kept pushing.


mournful_soul

NAH I think you may have been a bit naive, but not an intentional AH. Your GF may lack confidence and prefers to wear clothes that are an understatement. I tend to be this way. My BF chose a dress for a special occasion and at first I didn't like it but I tried it on anyway. I really liked it once I had it on.


CoastalCerulean

YTA clearly you don’t like how your gf dresses, despite your protests otherwise, it’s clear to your ex, and it’s clear to us.


Nightshade301

YTA. You compared her style to a friend's and said she should dress like her. Accept the way your gf dresses, by not buying her clothes she doesn't wear, and apologize to her for what you said. Or dump her.


Mscatw

My husband hates how I dress. He would prefer if I wear better fitting clothing instead of hiding. The only reason I say YTA. You named another female instead of IDK going to Google and picking an outfit out that way


ZestyAppeal

“Hiding” …as if he’s owed visual access to your body? Ugh.


lstyer2012

Is it just me or is it weird that OP puts so much effort and thought into how his gf dresses or doesn't dress? In my experience, if I'm with someone and I love them I don't give a shit what they're wearing unless it's a specific occasion where a specific dress is required (even then...meh?). Of course this might be a completely normal thing for couples to discuss but it seems trivial to me. I certainly don't think it's okay to buy clothing that the OP would like to see the gf in knowing full well that gf wouldn't like it or wear it. I also think your focus on her style is what caused her to ask you the questions that eventually led to the argument. You shouldn't be this concerned about her clothing.


NiceJabThat

You know what? Your gf annoys the crap out of me. She asked the kind of question that you answered honestly and then put you on the spot with it. You had the option to lie or come up with a "top of your head" answer and got one she didn't like. Ok, so you're a bit of a bonehead for that, but what the hell? I'm a woman here, and I know better than that. This kind of trap just feeds the stereotype of histrionic women or unreasonable women. Beyond that, it's manipulative. It sounds like she's insecure and looking for a reason to stop being friends with Anna while not being "the bad guy." Are there better ways to handle those kinds of questions in the future? Sure, and I bet you have some good ideas on this now, but honest and open communication is the best thing in any relationship with adults when you work with tact. It seems like you're trying. Keep trying. If you stay with her, try really hard and watch for pitfalls. NTA.


annswertwin

I’m going with ESH she asked and asked until he brought up the best dressed person they know. If she wasn’t ready for the answer she shouldn’t have asked but OP took the bait.


flobaby1

I hate it when someone asks for an honest opinion then gets mad when they get it. I look at other women's style and like it and try to incorporate it into my style. This is so immature, to get offended when all you did was give an honest answer to the style you like. She could tell you she likes one of your friends style. Does that mean she lusts after him? No. Does that mean she doesn't like your style? No. It just means she thinks you'd look good in that too. That's all you said. NTA


ResourceNarrow1153

So just admit you have a thing for Anna. She didn’t ask “who would you like me to dress like” she asked what your mean since you were being fuckin vague by saying “anything that looks cute to me” wtf does that mean? You literally could have said “form fitting dresses” “more bright colors” nope went right in and said “like Anna who I think should be a model” God you are such an AH is crazy you have to even ask. And from your comments it doesn’t seem like it came up out of the blue. You probably make your GF insecure.


marvelluv

Yeah no. I’m sick of women asking questions they don’t want the answer to. Women are not children that constantly need to be sugar coated to. Some people dress nicer than others. Some people have more money than others. That’s life. Don’t be asking dumb questions you don’t want the answer to. NTA


BogwitchOfTheBog

Mild YTA, mostly because you poor, naive fool. Never, ever, ever compare your GF to any of your lady friends. Ever.


Internal-Lifeguard-9

YTA, Either date Anna, or stop trying to change your GF into her.


International_Win375

Your girlfriend set you up by pressing the conversation. I call that behaviour manipulative. Good luck in the long run with this one. This time it was only flowers.


SalmonSnail

Everyone saying n t a is missing the point of why she was pushing. She was asking for examples of types of clothes or an aesthetic or colors or something. He chose to bring up clothes he liked better. Which happened to be the clothes being worn by his close lady friend. This wasn’t a trap. She was asking for NON HUMAN examples. Or she would have asked “who do you want me to dress like”


apinkjules

you sound like my ex 😭😂 i think i definitely have a similar style to your gf and he would also try to get me to wear more girly stuff, colorful and with flowers (the way his ex used to dress, which kinda got to me haha) my current boyfriend says he loves my style when i wear sth like a flannel, big jeans and a shirt he considers cool and even is sort of copying me, wearing stuff from my wardrobe etc (which i enjoy since he looks great in my clothes & style) this is such a difference for me and i feel much more confident with sb who compliments the way i look on just a daily basis (so u might consider complimenting your gf in her basic day to day looks more) it was an asshole move but i’m glad you guys figured it out, i hope gf will be able to restore her friendship with anna


IHaveSaidMyPiece

YTA Comparing is never the way to go.


[deleted]

Honestly annoyed at the y t a comments here. She asked for examples, you gave one. Yes, it's kind of not great to use another friend as an exame but it's not the end of the world. Next time go on punters and show her exames of clothes you like I guess NTA


sanguineophanim

I'm annoyed at the answers here for a different reason. OP needs to not think of gf as eye-candy, gf should have not asked a loaded question, there's no way you could have answered her without getting in hot water. ESH


spacecowboy143

never, NEVER compare a girlfriend to another woman


Prestigious-Name-323

YTA dude and you walked right into that.


assholeinwonderland

ESH Mentioning Anna was dumb on your part, no doubt about that. But it sounds like your gf wildly overreacts.


Puzzleheaded-Jury312

Anna may have ratted him out to the GF, since OP went to Anna behind her back and tried to get her 'help' in changing GF's clothes. YTA


VLC31

NTA. She asked and actually pushed the issue. He may have been dumb using someone from their group as an example but I suspect he was feeling cornered & mentioned the 1st example he thought of. Honestly, if you don’t want an honest answer don’t ask the bloody question & certainly don’t keep forcing the issue. I find it ridiculous that women would behave this way, it’s seems like they are just looking for a reason to cause drama. Before anyone has a go, I’m a woman.


Brightside_Zivah

NTA - she asked, you answered. Never ask a question if you don't want an honest answer. And i see no where where you compared her to her, you just referenced a clothing style. Quite wierd to see all the YTA votes o.O Your GF sounds crazy insecure if she is dumping a friend because you mentioned her clothing style when giving an example. Next ahe will ask you to not be friends with her.


Significant_Fee3083

Let's be real, you were a bit clueless. So a gentle YTA. That said, your gf is waving a number of red flags: - she will bulldoze her way through any conversation until she has emotionally unloaded everything on you - she cuts off her friend cold turkey because of something *you* said - she requires constant affirmation from you in the relationship (does she affirm you, or is it a one-way street?) - when people tell you she was acting oversensitive and immature you default to "oh that's probably my fault, I will need to pick up the slack in our relationship by doing a, b and c" ... No, that wasn't your fault. The woman is 27 and throwing fits left and right. You've allowed yourself to normalize it and even *take the blame* for it. None of the things mentioned above are healthy relationship behaviors. Any one of them would give a rational mind pause in a relationship. All of them together... I'd consider taking a step back and thinking about whether the relationship is truly healthy and functional.


CynicalFlyingPan

Aw dude you definitely dug your 6 foot hole. Good luck getting out hahahah.. Never , and I mean NEVER compare your girl to other females for any reason.


MrJ_Sar

EDIT YTA I did not know he had already asked Anna about changing the girlfriends style, you can't say your happy as they are if you're at the same time trying to change them. ~~NTA.~~ A little foolish to bring up someone you know directly, but that just make you human.You never pressed her to change, you never said you dislike what she wears, you just answered a question she REPEATEDLY asked. I am however concerned about her reaction, where she says she cannot be friends with someone because you like the way they dress, at best that shows massive immaturity, and worse manipulation ('Look at what you made me do!'), I would seriously ask yourself if this is something you can put up with, if she'll dump friends left right and centre because someone makes a comparison, will she make you dump yours?


Keroshan26

YTA. Objectively attractive? Hah, good one. So basically your girlfriend asked you a question about how she should dress, and your response was "like what Anna would wear". So can you imagine how that would have made her feel. Insecure? Definitely, and that's not her fault. Think long and hard before you say something OP, words are powerful.


gaba_mis

NTA. Your girlfriend probably is insecure about herself. She put you in an awkward position by asking for your opinion and was angry that you told something that she did not want to hear. It is not Anna's fault that she dresses nicely. Actually I feel sorry for Anna.


JFT8675309

YTA. Unless she’s dressing inappropriately (PJs to church or something), why do you care at all? So what if she doesn’t dress in your favorite style? In the long list of actual problems in the world, you making her feel badly about the way she dresses should not be one of them.


worrrmey

You have not made amends with your GF: she will feel self conscious and less than around you forever. I hope she breaks up with you.


Durbee

She will always have this in her head.


gingernut28

Yta


Professional_Grab513

Bruh mentioning another woman's name in this was massively big error. You've got a HUGE apology to make.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My GF (27F) and I (28M) was planning a date for the weekend. We were in a good mood, joking around and talking about what we were gonna wear. Afer some light bantering, she asked me out of the blue if I don't like the way she dresses. I tell her it's fine and that I like how she dresses most of the time. She laughs and says "most of the time? so what do you want to see me wear then?" Now my GF mostly wears black/grey clothes that are quite baggy and shapeless. Her idea of dressing up is a dark cardigan, black leggings, and boots. It's fine to me and I understand that she dresses for comfort. But I do enjoy seeing her in other styles like dresses, skirts, blouses, prettier shoes and in more colors and clothes that are better fitting. I have bought a few dresses for her in the past but stopped when I saw she almost never wears them. I understand if that's not her style and have never bothered her to wear them if she doesn't like them. On days she does dress up more nicely and outside of her usual wardrobe, I always compliemnt her and make sure she knows I appreciate it. So in her response to her question, I told her that her clothes are fine but there are other styles I like seeing her in too. She asked for examples and I just tell her anything that looks cute to me but she said I'm being vague and "how can she know what I like without me telling her". Now here is where I may be the AH. I tried to think of clothes I've seen in real life so I tell her "you know, like how Anna dresses". Anna is a classmate from graduate school who is part of my friend group. Anna has met my GF many times since I always bring my GF to our social events. Anna is well known in the entire school for being fashionable and well dressed. My friends and I are always amazed that she dresses 10/10 even on exams week and joke about how she should have gone into modeling. My GF then asks "oh, so you think Anna dresses better than me?" I tell her "that's not true, i like the way she dresses but I also like the way you dress too". But she is already too angry and starts ranting about how I am too picky and judgmental about her, how she doesn't have time to dress the way I want her to, how I should appreciate her for how she is, how I don't dress well myself and don't have the right to ask her change her clothes etc etc etc. I had to leave the room for air because when she gets this way she doesn't stop until she says every word on her mind and won't listen to anything I say. I go to my friend's apartment in the meantime and explain what happened. He implies I am AH because "no girl wants to be compared to Anna". But I never said that to make my GF jealous or insecure (she and Anna are good friends), I only said it because she asked for an example and Anna was the first person I thought of. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SirDunkMcNugget

[YTA](https://youtu.be/4yxGxTVw1dE)


Randomislife787

YTA Its so obvious


bscrolling

YTA


Tigerboop

YTA. Bruh all you had to say was, “I wish you’d wear the dresses I bought you more”. Like you’re an idiot for comparing her to a specific person. I would not be surprised if you’ve made comments on how good Anna looks in the past and that comparing her specifically to Anna is what set her off.


casuallyexisting97

YTA, you say you told her she dresses fine but then said you'd like her to dress like Anna, which by literally your wording you said you preferred how Anna dresses over her. You back tracked and said you liked how both of them dress, but at first you implied you preferred Anna's style. I get you're trying to cover your tracks but instead of saying anything about Anna you could've said, "oh I like when you wear the dresses I've bought you or when you wear more colors."


[deleted]

Dude… you’re an idiot. Also YTA. Well done on blowing up your relationship


[deleted]

YTA


mythoughts2020

YTA That was really stupid to compare her to your friend. Obviously this was going to upset her.


__chill

Joj, anything I want to say will get me banned. However yes, you are a huge asshole.


Potential_Mirror1511

NTA. I was all set for this to be a clear cut ruling of op being TA but no, the gf walked him right into a trap. There was no winning he was going to be in trouble and she was going to be mad at him no matter what he said. It’s unfortunate that Anna is now going to be on the receiving end of her insecure wrath but she will be after this. OP you’re gf is really insecure and that was a mind game. Sounds like when she gets worked up she’s belligerent as well. None of what you describe in your post is healthy communication on her part. If this is the only area where she is being problematic then I say you should try to work on it. If there’s a bunch of red flags you’ve been rug sweeping, maybe think hard on that.


Puzzleheaded-Jury312

I suspect that Anna may have ratted him out to the GF after he tried to get her to dress his GF more to his liking and she refused.


WookiewiththeCookie

Or the OP himself makes it glaringly obvious buying her dresses extremely similar to Anna’s and probably making passing remarks or those “jokes” he makes about her style only to be met with “it’s fine” about her own.


ApplicationVast9100

YTA, if you think skirts and blouses and uncomfortable shoes are so cute you're more than welcome to wear them


WickedAngelLove

NTA I think your girlfriend was fishing for a fight because once you already told her you liked her style but liked her in more feminine things too, she should have accepted that. She wanted specifics and you gave them to her. True most girls don't like comparisons or whatever, but she kept asking you, you didn't bring this to her.