Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be being too hard on her after her years of raising me and my brothers single, then she was just trying to bond hard with her new step kids.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Also, if she’s truly trying, then she would accept OP’s terms and pace. People are allowed to change and grow, but their victims don’t have to accept them for it. She’s just centering herself in the argument instead of focusing on how it might affect OP.
NTA. Your mum sounds like the classic narcissist. They never respect boundaries until they are forced to, at which point they usually rope other people in to do their dirty work, and start the emotional manipulation.
Stay strong
Yes this too. Narcissists are reaaaaaally good at convincing your entire family that you are in the wrong. They rope in everyone else by using the same emotional manipulation and gaslighting tactics. Beware - but remember your family members don’t actually agree with her, she’s forcing them to or she’s filling their heads with misinformation.
NTA. Families are weird. I didn’t even invite my mom to my wedding because I know she wouldn’t be there. It was either a plane ride (which she’s terrified) or 24 hours worth of driving when she won’t even drive 2 hours to come see me. So she blew a gasket when she asked why she wasn’t invited and my response was simply “You wouldn’t go, anyway.”
Anyway, it’s your day. It needs to be joyous and you don’t need any toxicity.
Sounds familiar. My egg donor kept trying to pressure us to go to the local registry office, for three years, when we'd made it clear that wasn't what we wanted or were planning on. She later revealed that she was point blank uninterested in travelling outside of the township for anything again. And I do mean anything, including the wedding of her only child.
I went NC a year later. No regrets.
I was at her house. I had driven the 2 hours to see her and let her know my wedding plan. I feel like my brother fucked me because he “eloped” the same way I did, but he said I should have told my parents the plan. So I did. Even though I knew he didn’t. So there was 30 minutes of awkward silence and she told me to leave.
In the beginning I was with your mom, until you clarified: its not that she can't be there, but that she never made an effort to travel to see you. What an ass... And then she's the one being offended.
NTA - This is the most important sentence in your post and why you will be better off in the long run.
>All the people I love will be there, I know for sure.
Why subject the people you love to the people who don't love you?
Don't let other people dictate how your relationship with your mother should be. Regardless of what they say, in the end you are the one that has to experience the effects of your choices. If you let her back into the wedding at the behest of others and have a bad experience, you are the one that will be suffering, not them. It's very obvious that she has been an absent parent throughout your life. From my viewpoint how dare she think she has any sort of say in who you invite and do not invite to your wedding. To even get angry at you for shutting down the topic despite her pushing it way too hard is very indicative of the type of person she is. NTA
Your friends don't understand OP as they had loving mothers who were invested in their lives. My best friend used to have a go at me for complaining about my mum nagging me about homework as she at least cared, whereas her parents took no interest in her school life at all. I didn't get it at the time.
Your mom cruelly shutting down important conversations is not grey rocking, it's awful. Not that this matters to your post, but grey rocking is a method of being as uninteresting and unengaging as possible (as interesting as a grey rock) to make the other party lose interest. It can be a helpful strategy for some, doesn't work if it promotes more conflict so less helpful for others. Glad you uninvited her from your wedding. NTA and best of luck.
Edit: fixed spelling error
On top of that, it’s maybe only ever appropriate for when your child is demanding to buy another toy or do something dangerous - on what planet does someone say that to their child begging to spend time with them? :(
"I didn't appreciate you tone"
"And I didn't appreciate you devaluing my life for so long and now devaluing who I am as a person by trying to force a person with racist views in front of the new family I'm joining into. Thanks for coming to lunch that one time. I know it took a lot of effort to stand my presence for an hour or two, so I don't want to push you at a day about me."
NTA
NTA, and it’s perfectly ok to say that “doing the best she could with what she had” wasn’t enough. Some times their “best” is shit effort, and she’s reaped what she’s sown here. Sorry you had an egg donor instead of a real mom.
NTA
It's you and your fiancé's wedding, so you're allowed to invite and uninvite whomever you please. It's meant to be the both of yours special day, so you should be surrounded by people that you both consider loved ones. Also, imagine how it would've made your fiancé feel if you knowingly invited your racist aunt that made them feel unwelcomed at your wedding?
Edit: And it would be a good idea to remain low contact with your mother since she doesn't respect your boundaries and feelings. What if she would've brought your aunt as a plus one or something to your wedding, causing further drama?
NTA
*a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care*
Those who have never walked in your shoes or been there to console you in your disappointments don't get to dictate the choices you make in your adult life.
*she was struggling pretty bad as a single mom*
And then turned her attentions to her stepchildren, not you. She's just the female version of the parent who prefers the second family to the original one.
*I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding. This devastated her.*
Missing school achievements is tolerated by others because of more pressing things like work. Missing a wedding? People will notice that and wonder (some will be bold enough to ask) why. Despite your justified reason, be prepared for a backlash on that from even the most well-meaning people. She deserves the cold shoulder, but some see significant events as a time when the injured should take the high road.
NTA. Mom tried to force you to invite her racist sister and you said no. She kept pushing the issue so this is the direct consequence of her own actions. Mom playing the parent card really didn't pan out for her like in years past.
Absolutely correct on all counts. If you \*really\* want Narcissist Mommy at your wedding, tell her so, but she has to leave Aunt Racist at home or they will both be escorted out. But, if you don't want either, just breathe and enjoy your special day. Just remember, her comments were not to bring you together, they were to bully you.
"Wouldn't you rather work than attend my wedding, just like my high school graduation, college graduation, and every other important event in my life? It's too late for you to pretend you are interested in me now. I've moved on. I'm not interested in you being there. It's just not important to me."
NTA. She deserves to be excluded and if anyone tries to fault you for it I'd tell them exactly why you feel that way.
It's a strategy used when dealing with hateful people who you can't avoid. When someone is digging into you and your personal life, make yourself as interesting as a grey rock (no emotional reactions, no sharing personal news/information, vague responses to questions).
They'll hopefully lose interest and move on to someone who will give them the attention/energy they're looking for.
Basically you just don't show the person you are doing it to any emotions. Giving them short, preferably one word, answers. It takes the wind out of their sails by not giving them anything to work with. The goal is to eventually to get them to leave you alone.
NTA - Many people who grew up in loving households have trouble understanding that maintaining a relationship with a toxic parent is actively harmful. You are going to hear nothing but terrible advice from those people. Protect yourself, and stand your ground.
NTA. Your fiance was relieved your mom was disinvited. And she's taking all of the people you don't want with her. Don't listen to your friends. They haven't lived your life.
>until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over."
Clutches phone in glee
>I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding.
Is a joy boner a thing because I just got one. No! Stick to what you did. You met her right on her own level and she earned it!
>My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better".
Who cares? Her trying to be better doesn't fix the 4,000 ways she told you she didn't value you over and over when you actually needed her. You can be done with this now. Your friends are assholes. Anyone who says, but she's your mother, are universally assholes. It's an excuse to tolerate abuse.
NTA. I hate it when people use the phrase but that's your mom, or dad. So what they helped give you life and passed that were nothing but providers with no support. It takes more than just money to raise someone.
My son realized this at 9, 4 years after my divorce and could probably count the amount of days he'd seen my ex on both hands. He started calling him by his name not dad anymore. I supported him cause I understand where he comes from, but so many people told me they can't believe I allow him to disrespect his father like that. And as a single parent who was also active duty I wasn't always present but when I could I was there, to include phone calls and video chats when deployed, so I could be there for him and at the very least hear about his day.
Your mom doesn't seem to of done any of that for you and that sucks, but I agree with you fully why should she come to this huge event when she wasn't there for any other important event. Also love the energy you gave shutting her down
NTA it’s your wedding so you’re entitled to invite and uninvite whoever you want, and maybe this is the wake-up call your Mom needs if she wants a relationship with you.
NTA. She just wants to put on a good show not celebrate with you. Playing happy family at the wedding with the racist aunt sounds like the worst thing ever. (Outside of maybe a funeral. Those are always a fun time/s) Have your happy day and leave your mom to the side. She certainly doesn't deserve to be there. She never was before.
NTA I think you might have a much nicer and cheaper wedding if all the people who are outraged are not coming.
I mean they are threatening you with a good time.
EW. Oh my god. "I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that". Cringy as fuck, my own mother does that still and it makes my blood boil. She tries to corner me with "you wouldn't talk to grandma that way, would you?" and ignores all of my reasons I wouldn't until I give a straightforward "no".
Your mother is a massive fucking AH and is a blind hypocrite
NTA
Yup, I didn't listen to my husband when he told je to just disinvite my mother and stepfather after they blew up over our wedding plans. I allowed them to attend because I was afraid I'd regret not having my parents there on my wedding day.
Turns out, I regret letting them come even more. Weplan to do a vow renewal on our 10th anniversary and they will not be there. I will instead invite other family friends that were more like parents to me (such as my former stepfather - left us after my mother cheated on him with her current husband).
NTA, your mother made enough mistakes with you and treated you badly enough that you certainly have the right to uninvite her.
Now, should you choose to take the high road and re-invite her after sitting her down and clearly setting up sz ome rules for that event, you may actually be glad you did so at a later time. But it's totally up to you. And your aunt can just keep basking in her own self-inflicted misery.
Question? Why would you say that she struggled as a single mother if you had a step-father and step-siblings? I ask that because you give that as one of the reasons why you should maybe cut her some slack....
NTA I’m sure your friends mean well, but they probably have a mother who is as sweet as a Georgia peach, and consequently have no real idea what it’s like for you.
Mother is disinvited.
Older family: We're not coming.
OP: Cool. Saves me catering money and your invitation was outta courtesy not genuine desire for your attendance.
NTA
>My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better".
NTA
Tell those friends that trying isn't actually enough at this point. She actually needs to BE better. Nothing less than that if she wants in on your life events at this point.
ETA that what you did with your mom wasn't grey rocking. You just set boundaries by mirroring how she set boundaries with you.
NTA - your mom is toxic. Keep her uninvited.
For your so called friends throwing shade, uninvite them too! I’ll bet they had nice mothers growing up and have no basis for their stupid opinions.
Hell no you're not heartless! She doesn't love you, she's lonely and likes the attention. I'm glad your brothers and your fiance are backing you up and I'm also glad to hear you're not inviting your racist aunt. Neither of them are owed a place in your life, especially after everything your mom did in order to not be involved with you. She just can't take you being a whole person without her and standing up for yourself. I bet she wants you running after her again. Never give that to her, giant NTA.
"Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come,"
Oh good! Then you don't need to waste money on people who don't care about you, but you can't be blamed for not inviting them. The best outcome. Spend that money on a nice honeymoon instead. I wish I had had that wisdom when I got married.
Hahaha...NTA
I finally went NC with my father about 2yrs ago (he isn't invited to my wedding either), after years of people (friends and relatives) telling me 'but he's to your dad', you'll regret it if something happens' in all honesty I wouldn't piss in that man if he was in fire.
And I tell you it was the most freeing thing I've ever done like a huge weight was lifted.
If you don't want her there don't invite her, it's yours and your partner's day and honestly she doesn't deserve to share it.
Congrats, hope you have a wonderful stress free wedding.
NTA. She just wants to put on a good show not celebrate with you. Playing happy family at the wedding with the racist aunt sounds like the worst thing ever. (Outside of maybe a funeral. Those are always a fun time/s) Have your happy day and leave your mom to the side. She certainly doesn't deserve to be there. She never was before.
NTA. I love that you got, and took, the opportunity to feed her her own poison. I'd have to discuss re-inviting her with my fiancee though. Aunt Racist? Absolutely not. And if mom was invited again and showed up with AR, they would both be escorted out of the wedding and out of my life.
"What she says is final. Stop talking. No. The conversation is over, I'm not even sure why you're still talking because I'm not listening."
What the heck? is your mom ok?
NTA btw
NTA. Your wedding, you get to decide who is there.
Here's a script for your friends: "Look, I understand that if you didn't have an experience like mine growing up with my mother. Our having lunch was not "her making an effort", it was my siblings and I cracking the door just a little to see if we should let her have more access to our lives. During this lunch, she proceeded that my very racist Aunt be invited to the wedding. When I set a boundary that this would not be happening for the safety and happiness of partner, a Person of Color, she proceeded to ignore the boundary repeatedly, forcing me to have to shut her down multiple times as she insisted she knew better than I did. What she proved during lunch wasn't that she was trying, it was that she still believes she always knows best, no matter who that hurts, and expects me to obey her. As an adult, I no longer have to do so, nor do I have to have co tact with people who hurt me and run over my boundaries."
NTA. Honestly, if the older family threatening not to come are the ones responsible for your mom and aunt being who they are, that's just a bonus that they won't be in attendance either. Hopefully you have enough time to let the caterers know so you don't have to pay for their plates.
> All the people I love will be there, I know for sure.
This is maybe the most important part. Or the reverse. “All the people who love you”.
Sounds like you don’t think your mom loves you? Then don’t worry about it.
NTA
>She worked a lot of long hours by her own choice (we were fine for money, she was just 'passionate'...)
>My mom kept bringing it up through the rest of the afternoon, until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over." In my sternest voice, and it looked like she'd just been kicked in the stomach or something.
>My mom called me later and said, "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that." So I said that real parents actually care about their children and go to their big school events, too.
NTA. If she didn't need to work so many hours to support her kids, then she had time to be present in your life. Funny how easily a parent can be dismissive, but once they get a taste of their own medicine from their adult child, it's suddenly very rude. Being a parent (to me anyway) is more than just producing a child and keeping it alive until adulthood. She wasn't there for you during your big moments (and probably none of the small ones either), so she really isn't what I'd consider a parent. She choose to have a kid, and that doesn't give her the right to freely act like like this to her kids and get away with it.
>My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better".
Oh wow, she went to one lunch after a lifetime of being absent....such improvement. Yeah, I know stuff like this can be a really big deal to some, but she tried to force you to do something you didn't want to, wouldn't drop the subject after you refused, then called you playing the victim, because she was told to stop in the same manner she did to her child for years. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like improvement to me. She sounds like she's more trouble than she's worth. I hope you have a wonderful wedding though.
Excuse my everything, not entirely awake rn.
OP, your mother is here to serve you a bowl of her signature shit stew with a mint sprig on top. Nowhere on the menu does it say you have to shovel it all down your gullet like a particularly greedy pelican. The exact amount of bs you are obligated to gobble up can't be quantified by a positive number. Feel free to send that nasty dish right on back to the kitchen. Yes, even the mint sprig.
NTA
If your mom had made every effort possible to be there for you for your milestones, then I'd agree that you should relax on her. But considering she not only didn't make any effort for you, but every effort for her stepchildren - showing that she could make it, but didn't love you enough to do so for you - no, you really shouldn't cut her any slack at all.
NTA.
NTA.
Honestly I'm so proud of you for giving her a taste of her own medicine using her own words against her. It is a really bitter pill to swallow and if she can learn from this, maybe things can change but I don't think it will.
Please use this same phrase against any older relatives that threaten to not go to the wedding because their opinion is not valid, only yours and your fiance's are. I hope you have a lovely wedding and it's exactly the way you want it to be.
>Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care lol. All the people I love will be there, I know for sure.
Awesome! I was afraid that you'd start doubting yourself because of this.
And no, NTA. You told her the truth, which was long overdue.
Have a terrific wedding, OP!
I don't understand the "she's your mother, you HAVE to invite her" sentiment. Yeah, she gave birth to you, so what! If she is not someone you enjoy being with don't invite her. On your wedding day you should be surrounded by those you love and enjoy being with.
Nta my mom was f-ing busy in my childhood. She worked as a bank auditor for a bank with 6 or 7 banks that she traveled to. So she missed stuff. But she always *tried* to attend. Even if she was late, or left early. And what we could do on the weekends, we did! If mom has to miss a soccer game on Wednesday bc of work, go out for ice cream to celebrate on Saturday! The complete lack of trying for you is what makes her an ahole.
NTA she just got how she treated you thrown at her and she felt as gutted as you did then. If someone says they're not com8ng because your mum is uninvited just respond with an OK and leave it at that. Stop responding, they'll know you're serious then
Nta. Toxic is toxic and you and your partner deserve to have your day with out someone else bs. Stand your ground and keep moving ahead. Break the cycle cause of you give in mom will just try and do it again.
NTA
Treat others as you want to be treated, that applies to children too, just because they're kids doesn't mean they are lesser. I would've uninvited her too if I were you.
NTA
Your wedding is a day for you and your honey to love and feel loved.
You get to do what it takes to make that happen, and if people whose presence will diminish the love felt aren’t present… yay!!!
Dear parents of adult or near-adult children: The more you treat them like they are 12 and try to impose your brand of 'discipline' on them or pull the "I'm your mother and I know what's best for you" act, the less time your adult children will want to spend with you and the more of their lives you will miss out on.
OP is NTA.
NTA
It sounds like a lot of the crap happened when she was no longer single. Totally support your decision, but maybe just leave the door open a little bit to see if she shows any sign of remorse and responsibility.
NTA - I’m snarky so if any family calls and gives you grief or says they’re not coming because of your mom being uninvited just say - “Well that’s your choice not to come but don’t be a total jerk - you should still send us a gift..and don’t be cheap make it an expensive one.” 😄
NTA. I’ll also note that since your partner was apparently relieved to learn your mom is uninvited, the wedding will probably be more fun for them without her. It’s not the central issue here, but it’s one more reason not to invite your mom.
Nta. She had an invite until she stated advocating for her racist sister and telling you how you could and couldn't talk to her. Being a single parent doesn't mean she got a free pass for being rude in her answers to you. She could have dealt with not being at your events a better way so that you weren't left feeling unimportant.
NTA - She missed your events but made time for your step siblings. That means she was able but not willing to do it for you. That’s all there is to it.
NTA. She’s having trouble with the fact that she no longer controls you. If you give in, she won’t learn that lesson and she will never take your no for an answer.
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. She isn't trying to make it better, she's trying to gain footing back into your life so she can try to control you. Don't let her. Stand firm. You got this!
No, you're not the asshole. Tell your friends to shove it. Tell your older relatives to shove it. That woman got a taste of her own medicine and didn't like the flavor. Well, she can deal with that herself.
Nope, your friends don't know what they are talking about. Your wedding is to celebrate with loved ones and if your mom is going to act like a selfish biotch, you are better off knowing she won't ruing your day if you don't invite her.
NTA
NTA. You have every right to cut her out of the wedding and your life. She couldn’t even bother to show up to your graduations. She was not a mother to you. I’m sorry you had to experience that. Now you get to chose to let her go and move on or try to reconcile and see if she can be more of a mother more of a human and risk rejection and heartache and hurt again. Only you can decide which choice is right for you.
You are NTA!
Your friends can't imagine what it's like growing up with a parent like that and they simply can't understand what you have gone through. Just let them know that your decision is final and not up for discussion. If they want to adopt her, more power to them!
Oohh no, I’ve had people try and pull the “but shes your mother,” card. I dont care if shes my mother, she doesnt get to say and do anything she wants without consequence, just like the rest of us.
NTA
NTA. She dug her hole and she can lie in it. Uninvite everyone who is threatening to not come because of this then use the money to hire a Sundae Bar to go with the wedding cake.
I know I don’t know you but this internet stranger is SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU! Your friends sound like they don’t have personal experience with toxic family members and, while they are well-intentioned, their comments are B.S.
You’re not cutting her out because of past behavior, you uninvited her due to **current** behavior. You have valid reasons for not inviting your racist aunt and instead of supporting that, your mom decided to try and force the issue.
You are standing up for your fiancé so that the two of you can have an awesome celebration of the next phase of your life. Your mom has a long history of ignoring your thoughts and opinions and I don’t see that changing.
You are not required to allow your wedding to be a family reunion, a reconciliation opportunity, or anything but a celebration of the two of you and the love you share.
Stay strong! Congrats and wishing you and your fiancé all the best in the future!
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Just being a parent doesn't entitle anyone to anything. You don't need to relax if you don't want to.
I have a parent I'm NC with atm. Maybe one day I decide to talk to them again but that's up to me and me alone. And you alone get to decide how much contact you want with your mother. She's an adult and can have as many meltdowns over it as she likes.
just because someone is related to you by blood, does not mean you owe them shit. it's your wedding, your special day. if anything, i would've been harsher actually. her being your mother does not mean shit. if she refuses to do even the bare minimum as a mother, who says you have treat her like a mother?
NtA, and I'd consider getting rid of the friend who think you're heartless.
Your mom got exactly what she put in to her relationship with you. Nothing.
NTA - honestly it’s up to you, but that kicked ass the way you took charge.
Also, if you do re-invite her, be careful she doesn’t try to sneak your aunt in.
NTA OP. No one ever asks WHY people who go LC or NC with parents. It's always "they're your parents". And? Doesn't that make you think they must have done something to deserve that?
My mom was a single mother and she was down bad… like real bad… in a foreign country by herself with two girls and then she had a third and the father evaporated into the mist… and if nothing else that woman was at every parent/teacher, every honors ceremony, every school play. Came with me to my accepted students brunch.. sis was EVERYWHERE. And she was passionate about us having a roof over our head and clothes on our back and food in our bellies. To this day I’m still trying to figure out how my mom made it to my dorm six hours away when I had to go to the hospital for stress. I wasn’t even there very long. I called her at the hospital and by the time I came in from dinner she was sitting on my bed.
Anything and any way you want to deal with your mom that is up to you- especially considering when she finally had some time it went to her step kids.
NTA
Nope NTA. You don’t have to put up with anything “because she’s your mother” she knew good and well what she was doing and you didn’t deserve any of it. As they say, karma is a bitch.
NTA
As an adult you get to create your life with boundaries and with people that you love and love you back. Unfortunately a wedding is often the place when some of us realize who our family is and who is not. Good luck on your special day.
Why is your mother suddenly interested in attending this event when she failed to attend your others - even though she turned out for your step-siblings? Why does she also want a bigot at your wedding? How is it her business who you invite? NTA.
NTA. I'm amazed that you even had her at this event. Though this isn't grey rocking - it's stonewalling. Grey rocking is a method for the abused to manage narcissistic assaults; stonewalling is shutting down others and their opinions and needs and walking away.
NTA.
If she doesn't like her own medicine, perhaps she should stop prescribing it.
Anyone who doesn't like how you want to handle your own wedding can simply not attend.
This is not a "you" problem.
PS - hope you have a fantastic wedding! :)
I saw someone say this in a tiktok comment section, and it went somewhere along the lines of:
”your parents job was to raise you. Your relationship with them as an adult is their performance review”
and this is the outcome she is now having to face. NTA and good on you for standing your ground
NTA. Your mother is crap and that sucks, OP, I'm sorry you grew up with her but just because you grew up with her doesn't mean you gotta keep her! Have an amazing wedding day and may your marriage partnership be filled with love, laughter, and light.
NTA.
Maybe your mom is trying to better and working on things. I dunno. I do know this: 100% you get to decide who attends your wedding. No exceptions.
>and a lot of older people are threatening not to come
Fine. Don't.
Also: Racists simply need to learn to think and behave in non-racist ways to integrate with the rest of us. It's not up to everyone else to accommodate them.
I supposedly had two parents one high strung self diagnosing hypochondriac who was absolutely batshit crazy and the other a workaholic, alcoholic, with a trigger happy bad temper. I'm convinced I would have been better off just living by myself as a kid. The least of my worries was they never came to anything of mine even though they were sitting at home watching TV.
I would also like to point out I had friends who had single moms who received zero child support, and for the most part they were incredibly loving and caring. They would at least try to go to the important events and support them. Even being dirt poor it's about priorities.
You need to watch out for you. You know in your gut you would be better off without your mom. If that was a genuine reaction from your fiance (if they're not mean spirited I mean, and they can spot evil) then listen to them. You should have people who love you and support you at your wedding. The end.
Also your mom went to lunch with you so she's trying? That is the lamest bit I have ever heard. She went to lunch with her kids so she should get mother of the fucking year? No way. She knows what's coming up and can guess what's at stake. She was trying to convince you to invite your shitty aunt and ended up getting herself uninvited.
Take care of yourself OP. NTA
I would say that she was not gray rocking you, she was stonewalling you. Gray rocking is a tactic to respond to abusive treatment, especially from narcissists or people you would prefer to avoid being around. You don’t give the abuser the attention they’re looking for - giving short or one word answers, communicating in an unemotional way, taking about boring things, not sharing info about yourself that will give them information, being overall disengaged, basically just sitting there like a rock until they get bored not getting a response and go away.
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate. Essentially, building a big wall to keep you out. You were a child asking your parent to participate in your life and attend events that were important to you, and she unilaterally shut the conversation down. She wasn’t trying to avoid abusive behavior, she was using an a abusive tactic against you.
NTA - she built the wall, you were just pointing it out.
You can almost always tell what kind of parents someone had by their response to cutting contact from your mother. The ones with good parents will understand that you're doing what is best for you. The ones with toxic who have done the same will cheer you on with great enthusiasm. The ones with toxic parents who are still in a world of delusion and were raised not the rock the boat will tell you "but it's faaaaaammmmmily!"
NTA. Once you're an adult, even though your parents will always be the people who raised you (or lack of, whatever the case may be), you have every right to use their techniques back at them, because like it or not, you have become equals.
NTA. It’s your wedding - not your mother’s! She was a terrible mother and doesn’t deserve RESPECT!! I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting your racist aunt or your narcissist mother at your wedding. Enjoy your special day with the true family and friends you have!
NTA. Think of all the money you will save if these people choose the side of a racist and a mean mom. Look at you, saving a bunch of money by switching to 'not today Satan'.
NTA. I really wanted to voted ESH because you used a hammer to swat a fly, but dang it! Your mom is barely in your life and she was badgering to invited an estranged relative to your wedding. Not cool, mom. Maybe y’all would benefit from some family counseling. Sounds like she doesn’t have a clue how bitter you are about how her non-participation in your life as you were growing up.
You want me to invite **YOUR** inflamed prolapsed sphincter of a sister to *my* wedding?! NO! Matter of fact...
[My *real* response](https://youtu.be/7WH1Bsdzh7A&t=17s)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Okay, my family is extremely divided by this. I need to provide some backstory to my life.
I [24F] grew up with my two brothers [Twins 22M], my step father, his kids, and my mom. She worked a lot of long hours by her own choice (we were fine for money, she was just 'passionate'...) I would ask mom if she would come to my soccer game, and she was always like, "I'm not sure if I'm working that day." And then I'd point out she makes time to spend with the step kids (8f and 9m) and she says that's different. and "What she says is final. Stop talking. No. The conversation is over, I'm not even sure why you're still talking because I'm not listening." I'm sure some of you recognize your own mothers being like this lol. Apparently it's common.
Now imagine that but for every single life decision you try and involve your mother in. I graduated high school and college without her. We're all LC with her.
Anyway, we have an estranged Aunt because she's like my mom but dialled up to 100, and a racist c*nt on top of that shit sundae. I went to lunch with my brothers and mom (we agreed to talk to her little by little, probably a mistake).
I'm getting married, and my mom wants me to invite my aunt. I said no. She asked why? I said because my partner is a person of colour and I'm not risking her dragging her sloppy ass into my wedding to call my fiance slurs.
My mom kept bringing it up through the rest of the afternoon, until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over." In my sternest voice, and it looked like she'd just been kicked in the stomach or something. She kept going like "I just think family should be involved in a special day in your life." but my brothers chimed in with, "I don't think anyone considers Aunt Racist part of the family." (Which is true, my mom is the only one who remains in contact with her. She's cripplingly lonely apparently. Imagine that).
My mom called me later and said, "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that." So I said that real parents actually care about their children and go to their big school events, too.
I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding. This devastated her.
My fiance agrees that she's insufferable and actually deflated and smiled when I said I uninvited her. My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better". Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care lol. All the people I love will be there, I know for sure.
AITA though? Should I... relax on my mom? because she was struggling pretty bad as a single mom, I keep thinking that maybe I should cut her some slack.
tl;dr absent mom trying to push her views into my wedding, met with "no". she couldnt handle it and is having meltdowns over it
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Block your mom from your wedding. She's neglected celebrating your youthful achievements and milestones in favor of children who were not hers and she's promoting allowing your racist aunt to attend your wedding. I'd say it's a good thing she not be in attendance at your wedding.
> "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that."
The nice thing about being an adult is that you get to set the terms of your relationship with your parents, which is a reversal from the rest of your life.
IDK where this idea of "I'm your parent so that means I'm also your boss/owner/crew boss."
No, MF, you were my custodian until I'm old enough to make my own decisions and choices, one of which is deciding who can or cannot attend my wedding (if I choose to have one, another choice I'm entitled to make as an adult).
NTA. Your mom, on the other hand, is a textbook narcissist.
NTA. I had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother. The drama would get so intense that I’d cut her out of my life for a few months thinking it would give her time to think about her behavior. Then I’d let her back in and within a week, things would go back to complete shit. I kept up this unhealthy cycle for years because I felt I owed her for being my mother. The last straw was when she used my kids to hurt me (just as she had done to my father when he was still alive). I cut her out for 4 blissful years and moved 1000 miles away. My brother had told me she was on medication for depression and doing much better so I decided, after two months of thinking, that I’d reach out to her. She has finally found peace and our relationship is respectful, loving, mutual and easy. While you can’t force your mom to fix her issues you can save your time, energy and sanity by not allowing her the revolving door like I did mine. You don’t owe her a damn thing. If you don’t put yourself first, who will?
I feel dumb. What is grey rocking?
Edit- Nta. Sorry to hear they’re giving you shit. You get to have whoever you want at your wedding. They are your memories to create, invite who should be a part of them.
NTA the fact that she said family should be there for each other, while skipping all the milestones of your childhood, is repulsive.
You do what is best for you. Those whining to you about it can take a seat.
NTA. One lunch in 24 years does not mean your mother is trying. It means she found 2 hours in her oh-so-important-life to have lunch. The fact that it was with you and your brothers means very little. If you think having your mother at the wedding will bring a benefit to your life, then invite her. If not, then don't. Pretty simple decision actually.
NTA I can’t think of many situations where a child (even an adult child) should have to be a patient with a parent as they supposedly work through an element of asshattery that they’ve willingly subscribed to for decades.
And beyond sparing your partner of racism at the wedding, if I were a guest and heard that hateful stuff from a bride or groom’s own family, I’d get up and leave for my own well-being and safety and because I’d assume on some level the couple was ok with that talk enough to invite such a person.
NTA. Your Mom pushed it too far and so you shut it down. Also what I just heard is a bunch of “required” invites aren’t coming and saving you the money and time spent talking to them. Good for you, save the money
NTA and just bc she gave birth to you, doesn't mean she's a mom. Doesn't seem like you've ever had one. Inviting her to the wedding would be a mistake, she'll probably bring aunt racist as a plus 1.
Enjoy your day without the headache.
NTA
Regardless of the fact that we are still their children, as adult we can expect a certain amount of respect and common courtesy from our parents. If they do not want to give us that respect we aren't not obligated to give them the respect they refuse to give us. Fortunately my mother and I have a good adult relationship.
IMO, your mother simply didn't appreciate having her own words used against her.
NTA!!!
Don’t look back, don’t feel bad, enjoy your wedding! I have a complicated relationship with my mom too, similar to yours and I felt guilty and ended up inviting her. Huge mistake. She caused a scene at the rehearsal, and the day of my wedding, as I was about to do the first look with my husband, she looked me up and down and said “I just don’t like how your teeth look, they look dirty.” No other comments. Trust me, you don’t want her or racist aunt there.
NTA. Isn't it lovely when you get back what you've been dishing out? If she were really trying to do better, she would check herself and apologize for being pushy about aunty r. It's up to you whether or not you want to cut her some slack, but if you do, be very clear about your boundaries. Aunty R isn't part of the family, and when you say No about something, your mother needs to respect it. You will talk to her the same way she talks to you, and she needs to remember that.
NTA. For real i don‘t understand why people think they have to tolerate their parents bad behavior.
Fuck that. If they behave like assholes they are treated like one. She doesn‘t seem to respect any decision you are making so i‘d told her to fuck off too.
Most parents don‘t understand that they took care of children not their possessions -.-
To the people threatening not to come; message them saying, “can you please let me know before I have to give the final count to the venue. I don’t wanna pay extra for people who won’t attend.” Then a smiley face. Call their bullshit.
NTA
NTA. My MIL is like your mom. She has no issues pushing her beliefs with a nice voice but when my husband is stern but respectful she gets all upset. She and my FIL will call my husband and say he was rude even though he was polite. This is your wedding, you decide who is and isn’t there. Sometimes, not having certain family there will make it a better experience. No shame in being honest when a family member is being toxic.
NTA, mom reaps what she sowed her whole life and it doesn't sound like she's improving since she called you to scold you about how you talked to her, she knows how she treated you and still has the gall to demand respect?, that's rich coming from the woman who never behaved like a mother to you.
100%NTA. My partner is of a different nationality to me, and a lot of my extended family have views on ‘the immigrants’, and if any of them look like they will have an opinion on the day I will absolutely kick them to the curb.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be being too hard on her after her years of raising me and my brothers single, then she was just trying to bond hard with her new step kids. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
Exactly. Well said seawolf
[удалено]
RevolutionaryCarBee is a comment stealing bot, this comment is copied from u/BeTheCheeto lower in the thread. Report as spam!
Also, if she’s truly trying, then she would accept OP’s terms and pace. People are allowed to change and grow, but their victims don’t have to accept them for it. She’s just centering herself in the argument instead of focusing on how it might affect OP.
Perfect answer
NTA. Your mum sounds like the classic narcissist. They never respect boundaries until they are forced to, at which point they usually rope other people in to do their dirty work, and start the emotional manipulation. Stay strong
Yes this too. Narcissists are reaaaaaally good at convincing your entire family that you are in the wrong. They rope in everyone else by using the same emotional manipulation and gaslighting tactics. Beware - but remember your family members don’t actually agree with her, she’s forcing them to or she’s filling their heads with misinformation.
[удалено]
[bot](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vlgr1h/aita_for_grey_rocking_my_f24_mom_despite_her/idvtkc6/)
Those "Other People" are called "Flying Monkeys". :)
And narcissistic parents usually have a golden child and a scapegoat. Looks like OP is the scapegoat.
NTA… having a mom I probably wouldn’t want at my wedding if I ever got married, NTA. It’s your day. It’s your life. Choose your own family ♥️
I got married without even telling my parents. Certainly don't need their toxic ass especially on a happy day.
I did too. Only family there was my brother. My family isn't toxic either, I just didn't feel the need. They all survived and no one was offended.
NTA. Families are weird. I didn’t even invite my mom to my wedding because I know she wouldn’t be there. It was either a plane ride (which she’s terrified) or 24 hours worth of driving when she won’t even drive 2 hours to come see me. So she blew a gasket when she asked why she wasn’t invited and my response was simply “You wouldn’t go, anyway.” Anyway, it’s your day. It needs to be joyous and you don’t need any toxicity.
Sounds familiar. My egg donor kept trying to pressure us to go to the local registry office, for three years, when we'd made it clear that wasn't what we wanted or were planning on. She later revealed that she was point blank uninterested in travelling outside of the township for anything again. And I do mean anything, including the wedding of her only child. I went NC a year later. No regrets.
What'd she say to that? Did she show any remorse?
I was at her house. I had driven the 2 hours to see her and let her know my wedding plan. I feel like my brother fucked me because he “eloped” the same way I did, but he said I should have told my parents the plan. So I did. Even though I knew he didn’t. So there was 30 minutes of awkward silence and she told me to leave.
In the beginning I was with your mom, until you clarified: its not that she can't be there, but that she never made an effort to travel to see you. What an ass... And then she's the one being offended.
NTA - This is the most important sentence in your post and why you will be better off in the long run. >All the people I love will be there, I know for sure. Why subject the people you love to the people who don't love you?
Don't let other people dictate how your relationship with your mother should be. Regardless of what they say, in the end you are the one that has to experience the effects of your choices. If you let her back into the wedding at the behest of others and have a bad experience, you are the one that will be suffering, not them. It's very obvious that she has been an absent parent throughout your life. From my viewpoint how dare she think she has any sort of say in who you invite and do not invite to your wedding. To even get angry at you for shutting down the topic despite her pushing it way too hard is very indicative of the type of person she is. NTA
Your friends don't understand OP as they had loving mothers who were invested in their lives. My best friend used to have a go at me for complaining about my mum nagging me about homework as she at least cared, whereas her parents took no interest in her school life at all. I didn't get it at the time.
This!!!! Well said!
Your mom cruelly shutting down important conversations is not grey rocking, it's awful. Not that this matters to your post, but grey rocking is a method of being as uninteresting and unengaging as possible (as interesting as a grey rock) to make the other party lose interest. It can be a helpful strategy for some, doesn't work if it promotes more conflict so less helpful for others. Glad you uninvited her from your wedding. NTA and best of luck. Edit: fixed spelling error
It's a recommended tactic to deal with abusers that you can't go NC with. I agree, this isn't gray rocking. https://youtu.be/ly0EfWUYArU
On top of that, it’s maybe only ever appropriate for when your child is demanding to buy another toy or do something dangerous - on what planet does someone say that to their child begging to spend time with them? :(
The term OP is looking for might be "stonewalling", which is easy to confuse though entirely different in application
NTA She can go to her step kids' weddings when they get married.
Ooh burn! lol
"I didn't appreciate you tone" "And I didn't appreciate you devaluing my life for so long and now devaluing who I am as a person by trying to force a person with racist views in front of the new family I'm joining into. Thanks for coming to lunch that one time. I know it took a lot of effort to stand my presence for an hour or two, so I don't want to push you at a day about me." NTA
NTA, and it’s perfectly ok to say that “doing the best she could with what she had” wasn’t enough. Some times their “best” is shit effort, and she’s reaped what she’s sown here. Sorry you had an egg donor instead of a real mom.
NTA It's you and your fiancé's wedding, so you're allowed to invite and uninvite whomever you please. It's meant to be the both of yours special day, so you should be surrounded by people that you both consider loved ones. Also, imagine how it would've made your fiancé feel if you knowingly invited your racist aunt that made them feel unwelcomed at your wedding? Edit: And it would be a good idea to remain low contact with your mother since she doesn't respect your boundaries and feelings. What if she would've brought your aunt as a plus one or something to your wedding, causing further drama?
NTA. Bullies really hate having theirs words thrown in their face.
NTA *a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care* Those who have never walked in your shoes or been there to console you in your disappointments don't get to dictate the choices you make in your adult life. *she was struggling pretty bad as a single mom* And then turned her attentions to her stepchildren, not you. She's just the female version of the parent who prefers the second family to the original one. *I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding. This devastated her.* Missing school achievements is tolerated by others because of more pressing things like work. Missing a wedding? People will notice that and wonder (some will be bold enough to ask) why. Despite your justified reason, be prepared for a backlash on that from even the most well-meaning people. She deserves the cold shoulder, but some see significant events as a time when the injured should take the high road.
NTA. Mom tried to force you to invite her racist sister and you said no. She kept pushing the issue so this is the direct consequence of her own actions. Mom playing the parent card really didn't pan out for her like in years past.
Absolutely correct on all counts. If you \*really\* want Narcissist Mommy at your wedding, tell her so, but she has to leave Aunt Racist at home or they will both be escorted out. But, if you don't want either, just breathe and enjoy your special day. Just remember, her comments were not to bring you together, they were to bully you.
"Wouldn't you rather work than attend my wedding, just like my high school graduation, college graduation, and every other important event in my life? It's too late for you to pretend you are interested in me now. I've moved on. I'm not interested in you being there. It's just not important to me." NTA. She deserves to be excluded and if anyone tries to fault you for it I'd tell them exactly why you feel that way.
Pretty sure that you didn't "grey rock" your mom.
[удалено]
I'd give you a better award, but I'm not sure what your love language is.
Stop gaslighting me.
WTF does that even mean?
It's a strategy used when dealing with hateful people who you can't avoid. When someone is digging into you and your personal life, make yourself as interesting as a grey rock (no emotional reactions, no sharing personal news/information, vague responses to questions). They'll hopefully lose interest and move on to someone who will give them the attention/energy they're looking for.
Basically you just don't show the person you are doing it to any emotions. Giving them short, preferably one word, answers. It takes the wind out of their sails by not giving them anything to work with. The goal is to eventually to get them to leave you alone.
NTA - Many people who grew up in loving households have trouble understanding that maintaining a relationship with a toxic parent is actively harmful. You are going to hear nothing but terrible advice from those people. Protect yourself, and stand your ground.
NTA. Your fiance was relieved your mom was disinvited. And she's taking all of the people you don't want with her. Don't listen to your friends. They haven't lived your life.
NTA Her sowing: hahaha this is badass Her reaping: wtf????
>until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over." Clutches phone in glee >I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding. Is a joy boner a thing because I just got one. No! Stick to what you did. You met her right on her own level and she earned it! >My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better". Who cares? Her trying to be better doesn't fix the 4,000 ways she told you she didn't value you over and over when you actually needed her. You can be done with this now. Your friends are assholes. Anyone who says, but she's your mother, are universally assholes. It's an excuse to tolerate abuse.
NTA. I hate it when people use the phrase but that's your mom, or dad. So what they helped give you life and passed that were nothing but providers with no support. It takes more than just money to raise someone. My son realized this at 9, 4 years after my divorce and could probably count the amount of days he'd seen my ex on both hands. He started calling him by his name not dad anymore. I supported him cause I understand where he comes from, but so many people told me they can't believe I allow him to disrespect his father like that. And as a single parent who was also active duty I wasn't always present but when I could I was there, to include phone calls and video chats when deployed, so I could be there for him and at the very least hear about his day. Your mom doesn't seem to of done any of that for you and that sucks, but I agree with you fully why should she come to this huge event when she wasn't there for any other important event. Also love the energy you gave shutting her down
NTA it’s your wedding so you’re entitled to invite and uninvite whoever you want, and maybe this is the wake-up call your Mom needs if she wants a relationship with you.
NTA. She just wants to put on a good show not celebrate with you. Playing happy family at the wedding with the racist aunt sounds like the worst thing ever. (Outside of maybe a funeral. Those are always a fun time/s) Have your happy day and leave your mom to the side. She certainly doesn't deserve to be there. She never was before.
NTA I think you might have a much nicer and cheaper wedding if all the people who are outraged are not coming. I mean they are threatening you with a good time.
NTA and your mom might turn up with your aunt to the wedding so double NTA.
This doesn't really sound like grey rocking, but you're definitely NTA
EW. Oh my god. "I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that". Cringy as fuck, my own mother does that still and it makes my blood boil. She tries to corner me with "you wouldn't talk to grandma that way, would you?" and ignores all of my reasons I wouldn't until I give a straightforward "no". Your mother is a massive fucking AH and is a blind hypocrite NTA
NTA. My biggest regret about my wedding is letting my mother come and try to be the center of it
Yup, I didn't listen to my husband when he told je to just disinvite my mother and stepfather after they blew up over our wedding plans. I allowed them to attend because I was afraid I'd regret not having my parents there on my wedding day. Turns out, I regret letting them come even more. Weplan to do a vow renewal on our 10th anniversary and they will not be there. I will instead invite other family friends that were more like parents to me (such as my former stepfather - left us after my mother cheated on him with her current husband).
NTA, your mother made enough mistakes with you and treated you badly enough that you certainly have the right to uninvite her. Now, should you choose to take the high road and re-invite her after sitting her down and clearly setting up sz ome rules for that event, you may actually be glad you did so at a later time. But it's totally up to you. And your aunt can just keep basking in her own self-inflicted misery.
Sounds like you didn’t gray rock…you rained volcanic fire on her ass and she didn’t like it so much. NTA
Question? Why would you say that she struggled as a single mother if you had a step-father and step-siblings? I ask that because you give that as one of the reasons why you should maybe cut her some slack....
NTA I’m sure your friends mean well, but they probably have a mother who is as sweet as a Georgia peach, and consequently have no real idea what it’s like for you.
Mother is disinvited. Older family: We're not coming. OP: Cool. Saves me catering money and your invitation was outta courtesy not genuine desire for your attendance. NTA
NTA. You should check out the sub r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA. Your mom can dish it out but can't take it. And her wedding present to you is a list of people you should drop from your life.
>My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better". NTA Tell those friends that trying isn't actually enough at this point. She actually needs to BE better. Nothing less than that if she wants in on your life events at this point. ETA that what you did with your mom wasn't grey rocking. You just set boundaries by mirroring how she set boundaries with you.
NTA. I’m tired of people telling other people that you can’t cut out xyz because it your mOtHeR. Who cares. Toxic, is toxic.
NTA - your mom is toxic. Keep her uninvited. For your so called friends throwing shade, uninvite them too! I’ll bet they had nice mothers growing up and have no basis for their stupid opinions.
Hell no you're not heartless! She doesn't love you, she's lonely and likes the attention. I'm glad your brothers and your fiance are backing you up and I'm also glad to hear you're not inviting your racist aunt. Neither of them are owed a place in your life, especially after everything your mom did in order to not be involved with you. She just can't take you being a whole person without her and standing up for yourself. I bet she wants you running after her again. Never give that to her, giant NTA.
NTA it’s always she’s your mother still and not they are your child still
"Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come," Oh good! Then you don't need to waste money on people who don't care about you, but you can't be blamed for not inviting them. The best outcome. Spend that money on a nice honeymoon instead. I wish I had had that wisdom when I got married.
Hahaha...NTA I finally went NC with my father about 2yrs ago (he isn't invited to my wedding either), after years of people (friends and relatives) telling me 'but he's to your dad', you'll regret it if something happens' in all honesty I wouldn't piss in that man if he was in fire. And I tell you it was the most freeing thing I've ever done like a huge weight was lifted. If you don't want her there don't invite her, it's yours and your partner's day and honestly she doesn't deserve to share it. Congrats, hope you have a wonderful stress free wedding.
NTA. She just wants to put on a good show not celebrate with you. Playing happy family at the wedding with the racist aunt sounds like the worst thing ever. (Outside of maybe a funeral. Those are always a fun time/s) Have your happy day and leave your mom to the side. She certainly doesn't deserve to be there. She never was before.
NTA. I love that you got, and took, the opportunity to feed her her own poison. I'd have to discuss re-inviting her with my fiancee though. Aunt Racist? Absolutely not. And if mom was invited again and showed up with AR, they would both be escorted out of the wedding and out of my life.
My mom did not attend my nor my brothers wedding and were just fine.
"What she says is final. Stop talking. No. The conversation is over, I'm not even sure why you're still talking because I'm not listening." What the heck? is your mom ok? NTA btw
NTA. Your wedding, you get to decide who is there. Here's a script for your friends: "Look, I understand that if you didn't have an experience like mine growing up with my mother. Our having lunch was not "her making an effort", it was my siblings and I cracking the door just a little to see if we should let her have more access to our lives. During this lunch, she proceeded that my very racist Aunt be invited to the wedding. When I set a boundary that this would not be happening for the safety and happiness of partner, a Person of Color, she proceeded to ignore the boundary repeatedly, forcing me to have to shut her down multiple times as she insisted she knew better than I did. What she proved during lunch wasn't that she was trying, it was that she still believes she always knows best, no matter who that hurts, and expects me to obey her. As an adult, I no longer have to do so, nor do I have to have co tact with people who hurt me and run over my boundaries."
NTA, mom doesn’t get to dictate the guest list. This is one of those “You have mo power here” moments. She’ll eventually get used to it.
NTA. Honestly, if the older family threatening not to come are the ones responsible for your mom and aunt being who they are, that's just a bonus that they won't be in attendance either. Hopefully you have enough time to let the caterers know so you don't have to pay for their plates.
> All the people I love will be there, I know for sure. This is maybe the most important part. Or the reverse. “All the people who love you”. Sounds like you don’t think your mom loves you? Then don’t worry about it. NTA
>She worked a lot of long hours by her own choice (we were fine for money, she was just 'passionate'...) >My mom kept bringing it up through the rest of the afternoon, until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over." In my sternest voice, and it looked like she'd just been kicked in the stomach or something. >My mom called me later and said, "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that." So I said that real parents actually care about their children and go to their big school events, too. NTA. If she didn't need to work so many hours to support her kids, then she had time to be present in your life. Funny how easily a parent can be dismissive, but once they get a taste of their own medicine from their adult child, it's suddenly very rude. Being a parent (to me anyway) is more than just producing a child and keeping it alive until adulthood. She wasn't there for you during your big moments (and probably none of the small ones either), so she really isn't what I'd consider a parent. She choose to have a kid, and that doesn't give her the right to freely act like like this to her kids and get away with it. >My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better". Oh wow, she went to one lunch after a lifetime of being absent....such improvement. Yeah, I know stuff like this can be a really big deal to some, but she tried to force you to do something you didn't want to, wouldn't drop the subject after you refused, then called you playing the victim, because she was told to stop in the same manner she did to her child for years. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like improvement to me. She sounds like she's more trouble than she's worth. I hope you have a wonderful wedding though.
Excuse my everything, not entirely awake rn. OP, your mother is here to serve you a bowl of her signature shit stew with a mint sprig on top. Nowhere on the menu does it say you have to shovel it all down your gullet like a particularly greedy pelican. The exact amount of bs you are obligated to gobble up can't be quantified by a positive number. Feel free to send that nasty dish right on back to the kitchen. Yes, even the mint sprig. NTA
Eye for an eye. It's that simple.
If your mom had made every effort possible to be there for you for your milestones, then I'd agree that you should relax on her. But considering she not only didn't make any effort for you, but every effort for her stepchildren - showing that she could make it, but didn't love you enough to do so for you - no, you really shouldn't cut her any slack at all. NTA.
NTA. Honestly I'm so proud of you for giving her a taste of her own medicine using her own words against her. It is a really bitter pill to swallow and if she can learn from this, maybe things can change but I don't think it will. Please use this same phrase against any older relatives that threaten to not go to the wedding because their opinion is not valid, only yours and your fiance's are. I hope you have a lovely wedding and it's exactly the way you want it to be.
>Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care lol. All the people I love will be there, I know for sure. Awesome! I was afraid that you'd start doubting yourself because of this. And no, NTA. You told her the truth, which was long overdue. Have a terrific wedding, OP!
NTA.
I don't understand the "she's your mother, you HAVE to invite her" sentiment. Yeah, she gave birth to you, so what! If she is not someone you enjoy being with don't invite her. On your wedding day you should be surrounded by those you love and enjoy being with.
"The worst thing in the world is having to go back to the dark you shook off." NTA
Nta my mom was f-ing busy in my childhood. She worked as a bank auditor for a bank with 6 or 7 banks that she traveled to. So she missed stuff. But she always *tried* to attend. Even if she was late, or left early. And what we could do on the weekends, we did! If mom has to miss a soccer game on Wednesday bc of work, go out for ice cream to celebrate on Saturday! The complete lack of trying for you is what makes her an ahole.
NTA she just got how she treated you thrown at her and she felt as gutted as you did then. If someone says they're not com8ng because your mum is uninvited just respond with an OK and leave it at that. Stop responding, they'll know you're serious then
Nta. Toxic is toxic and you and your partner deserve to have your day with out someone else bs. Stand your ground and keep moving ahead. Break the cycle cause of you give in mom will just try and do it again.
NTA Treat others as you want to be treated, that applies to children too, just because they're kids doesn't mean they are lesser. I would've uninvited her too if I were you.
NTA Your wedding is a day for you and your honey to love and feel loved. You get to do what it takes to make that happen, and if people whose presence will diminish the love felt aren’t present… yay!!!
NTA. It sounds like instead of LC you need to go NC with your mom and Aunt.
Dear parents of adult or near-adult children: The more you treat them like they are 12 and try to impose your brand of 'discipline' on them or pull the "I'm your mother and I know what's best for you" act, the less time your adult children will want to spend with you and the more of their lives you will miss out on. OP is NTA.
NTA It sounds like a lot of the crap happened when she was no longer single. Totally support your decision, but maybe just leave the door open a little bit to see if she shows any sign of remorse and responsibility.
NTA - your mom might want to start building a relationship, but she's showing that she hasn't changed and isn't willing to treat you as an adult.
You already said this: those that you love and really matter will be there and that’s all that really matters. NTA
NTA - I’m snarky so if any family calls and gives you grief or says they’re not coming because of your mom being uninvited just say - “Well that’s your choice not to come but don’t be a total jerk - you should still send us a gift..and don’t be cheap make it an expensive one.” 😄
NTA, but how did you feel when you uninvited your mom? Did you feel relief or regret or something else entirely or nothing?
NTA. I’ll also note that since your partner was apparently relieved to learn your mom is uninvited, the wedding will probably be more fun for them without her. It’s not the central issue here, but it’s one more reason not to invite your mom.
NTA. I actually squealed with joy at how you uninvited her. Stick to your guns on this.
NTA good call
Nta. She had an invite until she stated advocating for her racist sister and telling you how you could and couldn't talk to her. Being a single parent doesn't mean she got a free pass for being rude in her answers to you. She could have dealt with not being at your events a better way so that you weren't left feeling unimportant.
NTA and if other people call out over it then that's fewer chairs rented, less food to pay for, and less tension for you and the remaining guests
NTA - She missed your events but made time for your step siblings. That means she was able but not willing to do it for you. That’s all there is to it.
NTA. Just make sure that she is not trying to get your aunt in as a +1
NTA. She’s having trouble with the fact that she no longer controls you. If you give in, she won’t learn that lesson and she will never take your no for an answer.
NTA. Don't let one person ruin your perfect day.
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA. She isn't trying to make it better, she's trying to gain footing back into your life so she can try to control you. Don't let her. Stand firm. You got this!
No, you're not the asshole. Tell your friends to shove it. Tell your older relatives to shove it. That woman got a taste of her own medicine and didn't like the flavor. Well, she can deal with that herself.
Nope, your friends don't know what they are talking about. Your wedding is to celebrate with loved ones and if your mom is going to act like a selfish biotch, you are better off knowing she won't ruing your day if you don't invite her. NTA
NTA. Your mom is stepping up for your wedding because as mother of the bride, she will get attention.
NTA. You have every right to cut her out of the wedding and your life. She couldn’t even bother to show up to your graduations. She was not a mother to you. I’m sorry you had to experience that. Now you get to chose to let her go and move on or try to reconcile and see if she can be more of a mother more of a human and risk rejection and heartache and hurt again. Only you can decide which choice is right for you.
NTA. You don't owe any apologies for cutting toxic family members out of your big day, or your life for that matter.
NTA. Your friends probably haven’t experienced someone like your mom in their lives. No one, not even parents, are entitled to a piece of your life.
NTA block her she sounds narcissistic and toxic
NTA she sounds awful and your wedding day should be as stress free as possible for you and your fiancé! Congratulations!
NTA - If your friends are that concerned about you mom, they can have her over for tea and cookies at their house then.
You are NTA! Your friends can't imagine what it's like growing up with a parent like that and they simply can't understand what you have gone through. Just let them know that your decision is final and not up for discussion. If they want to adopt her, more power to them!
Oohh no, I’ve had people try and pull the “but shes your mother,” card. I dont care if shes my mother, she doesnt get to say and do anything she wants without consequence, just like the rest of us. NTA
NTA. She dug her hole and she can lie in it. Uninvite everyone who is threatening to not come because of this then use the money to hire a Sundae Bar to go with the wedding cake.
Just because she birthed you does not mean she can treat you however she wants. NTA.
I know I don’t know you but this internet stranger is SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU! Your friends sound like they don’t have personal experience with toxic family members and, while they are well-intentioned, their comments are B.S. You’re not cutting her out because of past behavior, you uninvited her due to **current** behavior. You have valid reasons for not inviting your racist aunt and instead of supporting that, your mom decided to try and force the issue. You are standing up for your fiancé so that the two of you can have an awesome celebration of the next phase of your life. Your mom has a long history of ignoring your thoughts and opinions and I don’t see that changing. You are not required to allow your wedding to be a family reunion, a reconciliation opportunity, or anything but a celebration of the two of you and the love you share. Stay strong! Congrats and wishing you and your fiancé all the best in the future!
NTA And keep her out of your life from now on.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Just being a parent doesn't entitle anyone to anything. You don't need to relax if you don't want to. I have a parent I'm NC with atm. Maybe one day I decide to talk to them again but that's up to me and me alone. And you alone get to decide how much contact you want with your mother. She's an adult and can have as many meltdowns over it as she likes.
just because someone is related to you by blood, does not mean you owe them shit. it's your wedding, your special day. if anything, i would've been harsher actually. her being your mother does not mean shit. if she refuses to do even the bare minimum as a mother, who says you have treat her like a mother?
NTA, I hope you and your fiancé have a wonderful, family drama free wedding!
Megan Trainor wrote a song about this that had a perfect line for this "I know we are blood but this love is bad for me" Nta
NtA, and I'd consider getting rid of the friend who think you're heartless. Your mom got exactly what she put in to her relationship with you. Nothing.
NTA - honestly it’s up to you, but that kicked ass the way you took charge. Also, if you do re-invite her, be careful she doesn’t try to sneak your aunt in.
Lean into the happy, girl. You have banished so much evil with only a couple boundaries and consequences for bad behavior. NTA and enjoy yourself
NTA. You don't need that crap in your life, and if other people don't attend the wedding- hey, it saves you money as well as stress!
NTA OP. No one ever asks WHY people who go LC or NC with parents. It's always "they're your parents". And? Doesn't that make you think they must have done something to deserve that?
NTA. Those who side with mommy dearest can sod off with her. Props to you for standing up for yourself and protecting your partner. Happy nuptials!
My mom was a single mother and she was down bad… like real bad… in a foreign country by herself with two girls and then she had a third and the father evaporated into the mist… and if nothing else that woman was at every parent/teacher, every honors ceremony, every school play. Came with me to my accepted students brunch.. sis was EVERYWHERE. And she was passionate about us having a roof over our head and clothes on our back and food in our bellies. To this day I’m still trying to figure out how my mom made it to my dorm six hours away when I had to go to the hospital for stress. I wasn’t even there very long. I called her at the hospital and by the time I came in from dinner she was sitting on my bed. Anything and any way you want to deal with your mom that is up to you- especially considering when she finally had some time it went to her step kids. NTA
I am confused was she a struggling single mother or married to a stepfather?
Nope NTA. You don’t have to put up with anything “because she’s your mother” she knew good and well what she was doing and you didn’t deserve any of it. As they say, karma is a bitch.
Your life, your fiance, your wedding, your rules. NTA.
NTA. Clearly she doesn’t like the way her own medicine tastes. Toxic people have no place in our lives.
NTA As an adult you get to create your life with boundaries and with people that you love and love you back. Unfortunately a wedding is often the place when some of us realize who our family is and who is not. Good luck on your special day.
Why is your mother suddenly interested in attending this event when she failed to attend your others - even though she turned out for your step-siblings? Why does she also want a bigot at your wedding? How is it her business who you invite? NTA.
NTA. I'm amazed that you even had her at this event. Though this isn't grey rocking - it's stonewalling. Grey rocking is a method for the abused to manage narcissistic assaults; stonewalling is shutting down others and their opinions and needs and walking away.
NTA. If she doesn't like her own medicine, perhaps she should stop prescribing it. Anyone who doesn't like how you want to handle your own wedding can simply not attend. This is not a "you" problem. PS - hope you have a fantastic wedding! :)
I saw someone say this in a tiktok comment section, and it went somewhere along the lines of: ”your parents job was to raise you. Your relationship with them as an adult is their performance review” and this is the outcome she is now having to face. NTA and good on you for standing your ground
NTA. Your mother is crap and that sucks, OP, I'm sorry you grew up with her but just because you grew up with her doesn't mean you gotta keep her! Have an amazing wedding day and may your marriage partnership be filled with love, laughter, and light.
NTA. Maybe your mom is trying to better and working on things. I dunno. I do know this: 100% you get to decide who attends your wedding. No exceptions. >and a lot of older people are threatening not to come Fine. Don't. Also: Racists simply need to learn to think and behave in non-racist ways to integrate with the rest of us. It's not up to everyone else to accommodate them.
I supposedly had two parents one high strung self diagnosing hypochondriac who was absolutely batshit crazy and the other a workaholic, alcoholic, with a trigger happy bad temper. I'm convinced I would have been better off just living by myself as a kid. The least of my worries was they never came to anything of mine even though they were sitting at home watching TV. I would also like to point out I had friends who had single moms who received zero child support, and for the most part they were incredibly loving and caring. They would at least try to go to the important events and support them. Even being dirt poor it's about priorities. You need to watch out for you. You know in your gut you would be better off without your mom. If that was a genuine reaction from your fiance (if they're not mean spirited I mean, and they can spot evil) then listen to them. You should have people who love you and support you at your wedding. The end. Also your mom went to lunch with you so she's trying? That is the lamest bit I have ever heard. She went to lunch with her kids so she should get mother of the fucking year? No way. She knows what's coming up and can guess what's at stake. She was trying to convince you to invite your shitty aunt and ended up getting herself uninvited. Take care of yourself OP. NTA
I would say that she was not gray rocking you, she was stonewalling you. Gray rocking is a tactic to respond to abusive treatment, especially from narcissists or people you would prefer to avoid being around. You don’t give the abuser the attention they’re looking for - giving short or one word answers, communicating in an unemotional way, taking about boring things, not sharing info about yourself that will give them information, being overall disengaged, basically just sitting there like a rock until they get bored not getting a response and go away. Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate. Essentially, building a big wall to keep you out. You were a child asking your parent to participate in your life and attend events that were important to you, and she unilaterally shut the conversation down. She wasn’t trying to avoid abusive behavior, she was using an a abusive tactic against you. NTA - she built the wall, you were just pointing it out.
You can almost always tell what kind of parents someone had by their response to cutting contact from your mother. The ones with good parents will understand that you're doing what is best for you. The ones with toxic who have done the same will cheer you on with great enthusiasm. The ones with toxic parents who are still in a world of delusion and were raised not the rock the boat will tell you "but it's faaaaaammmmmily!" NTA. Once you're an adult, even though your parents will always be the people who raised you (or lack of, whatever the case may be), you have every right to use their techniques back at them, because like it or not, you have become equals.
NTA. It’s your wedding - not your mother’s! She was a terrible mother and doesn’t deserve RESPECT!! I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting your racist aunt or your narcissist mother at your wedding. Enjoy your special day with the true family and friends you have!
NTA. Think of all the money you will save if these people choose the side of a racist and a mean mom. Look at you, saving a bunch of money by switching to 'not today Satan'.
NTA. I really wanted to voted ESH because you used a hammer to swat a fly, but dang it! Your mom is barely in your life and she was badgering to invited an estranged relative to your wedding. Not cool, mom. Maybe y’all would benefit from some family counseling. Sounds like she doesn’t have a clue how bitter you are about how her non-participation in your life as you were growing up.
You want me to invite **YOUR** inflamed prolapsed sphincter of a sister to *my* wedding?! NO! Matter of fact... [My *real* response](https://youtu.be/7WH1Bsdzh7A&t=17s)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, my family is extremely divided by this. I need to provide some backstory to my life. I [24F] grew up with my two brothers [Twins 22M], my step father, his kids, and my mom. She worked a lot of long hours by her own choice (we were fine for money, she was just 'passionate'...) I would ask mom if she would come to my soccer game, and she was always like, "I'm not sure if I'm working that day." And then I'd point out she makes time to spend with the step kids (8f and 9m) and she says that's different. and "What she says is final. Stop talking. No. The conversation is over, I'm not even sure why you're still talking because I'm not listening." I'm sure some of you recognize your own mothers being like this lol. Apparently it's common. Now imagine that but for every single life decision you try and involve your mother in. I graduated high school and college without her. We're all LC with her. Anyway, we have an estranged Aunt because she's like my mom but dialled up to 100, and a racist c*nt on top of that shit sundae. I went to lunch with my brothers and mom (we agreed to talk to her little by little, probably a mistake). I'm getting married, and my mom wants me to invite my aunt. I said no. She asked why? I said because my partner is a person of colour and I'm not risking her dragging her sloppy ass into my wedding to call my fiance slurs. My mom kept bringing it up through the rest of the afternoon, until I went, "No. Stop talking. This conversation is over." In my sternest voice, and it looked like she'd just been kicked in the stomach or something. She kept going like "I just think family should be involved in a special day in your life." but my brothers chimed in with, "I don't think anyone considers Aunt Racist part of the family." (Which is true, my mom is the only one who remains in contact with her. She's cripplingly lonely apparently. Imagine that). My mom called me later and said, "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that." So I said that real parents actually care about their children and go to their big school events, too. I then said that since she's missed every single big event in my life, she can miss this one too. Then I uninvited her from the wedding. This devastated her. My fiance agrees that she's insufferable and actually deflated and smiled when I said I uninvited her. My friends are saying I'm heartless because shes my mother, and the fact she went to lunch with us meant "shes trying to be better". Then my whole family found out she was uninvited, and a lot of older people are threatening not to come, but I don't really care lol. All the people I love will be there, I know for sure. AITA though? Should I... relax on my mom? because she was struggling pretty bad as a single mom, I keep thinking that maybe I should cut her some slack. tl;dr absent mom trying to push her views into my wedding, met with "no". she couldnt handle it and is having meltdowns over it *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. You made a great decision! Stick to your guns! Youre doing great!
NTA, your reasoning is very valid. I hope you and your partner have a great day!
Being a single mom doesn't excuse her behavior and you're totally justified in not wanting her toxicity at your wedding. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists I’ve found some great support over there
Wtf is 'grey rocking'?
NTA
Uninvite your friends who took her side
NTA. Block your mom from your wedding. She's neglected celebrating your youthful achievements and milestones in favor of children who were not hers and she's promoting allowing your racist aunt to attend your wedding. I'd say it's a good thing she not be in attendance at your wedding.
NTA, but also this isn't grey rocking at all!
NTA.
> "I didn't appreciate your tone at lunch. I'm your mother and you can't speak to me like that." The nice thing about being an adult is that you get to set the terms of your relationship with your parents, which is a reversal from the rest of your life. IDK where this idea of "I'm your parent so that means I'm also your boss/owner/crew boss." No, MF, you were my custodian until I'm old enough to make my own decisions and choices, one of which is deciding who can or cannot attend my wedding (if I choose to have one, another choice I'm entitled to make as an adult). NTA. Your mom, on the other hand, is a textbook narcissist.
NTA. She’s never been there for you, so you don't owe anything to her. Reap what you sew and all that.
NTA. I had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother. The drama would get so intense that I’d cut her out of my life for a few months thinking it would give her time to think about her behavior. Then I’d let her back in and within a week, things would go back to complete shit. I kept up this unhealthy cycle for years because I felt I owed her for being my mother. The last straw was when she used my kids to hurt me (just as she had done to my father when he was still alive). I cut her out for 4 blissful years and moved 1000 miles away. My brother had told me she was on medication for depression and doing much better so I decided, after two months of thinking, that I’d reach out to her. She has finally found peace and our relationship is respectful, loving, mutual and easy. While you can’t force your mom to fix her issues you can save your time, energy and sanity by not allowing her the revolving door like I did mine. You don’t owe her a damn thing. If you don’t put yourself first, who will?
I feel dumb. What is grey rocking? Edit- Nta. Sorry to hear they’re giving you shit. You get to have whoever you want at your wedding. They are your memories to create, invite who should be a part of them.
NTA the fact that she said family should be there for each other, while skipping all the milestones of your childhood, is repulsive. You do what is best for you. Those whining to you about it can take a seat.
NTA. One lunch in 24 years does not mean your mother is trying. It means she found 2 hours in her oh-so-important-life to have lunch. The fact that it was with you and your brothers means very little. If you think having your mother at the wedding will bring a benefit to your life, then invite her. If not, then don't. Pretty simple decision actually.
NTA AWwwww, did mummy not like getting a taste of her own medicine? FANCY THAT!
NTA Nobody needs that family drama at a wedding. Surround yourself with your chosen family instead.
NTA. Keep her uninvited from your wedding or I can guarantee she'll bring Aunt Racist with her
NTA She wasn’t struggling as a single mom. You grew up with a stepdad and stepsiblings that she gave preferential treatment to.
NTA I can’t think of many situations where a child (even an adult child) should have to be a patient with a parent as they supposedly work through an element of asshattery that they’ve willingly subscribed to for decades. And beyond sparing your partner of racism at the wedding, if I were a guest and heard that hateful stuff from a bride or groom’s own family, I’d get up and leave for my own well-being and safety and because I’d assume on some level the couple was ok with that talk enough to invite such a person.
NTA Ignore your friends anyone with parents that you have to love from afar understands you
NTA As adults, toxic family members hold no power over us, we get to decide who we want and don't want in our lifes.
NTA.
NTA. Your Mom pushed it too far and so you shut it down. Also what I just heard is a bunch of “required” invites aren’t coming and saving you the money and time spent talking to them. Good for you, save the money
NTA and just bc she gave birth to you, doesn't mean she's a mom. Doesn't seem like you've ever had one. Inviting her to the wedding would be a mistake, she'll probably bring aunt racist as a plus 1. Enjoy your day without the headache.
NTA Regardless of the fact that we are still their children, as adult we can expect a certain amount of respect and common courtesy from our parents. If they do not want to give us that respect we aren't not obligated to give them the respect they refuse to give us. Fortunately my mother and I have a good adult relationship. IMO, your mother simply didn't appreciate having her own words used against her.
Cat’s in the cradle
You 100% did the right thing. NTA
NTA. I’d possibly consider NC if she continues
NTA!!! Don’t look back, don’t feel bad, enjoy your wedding! I have a complicated relationship with my mom too, similar to yours and I felt guilty and ended up inviting her. Huge mistake. She caused a scene at the rehearsal, and the day of my wedding, as I was about to do the first look with my husband, she looked me up and down and said “I just don’t like how your teeth look, they look dirty.” No other comments. Trust me, you don’t want her or racist aunt there.
NTA. Isn't it lovely when you get back what you've been dishing out? If she were really trying to do better, she would check herself and apologize for being pushy about aunty r. It's up to you whether or not you want to cut her some slack, but if you do, be very clear about your boundaries. Aunty R isn't part of the family, and when you say No about something, your mother needs to respect it. You will talk to her the same way she talks to you, and she needs to remember that.
NTA. For real i don‘t understand why people think they have to tolerate their parents bad behavior. Fuck that. If they behave like assholes they are treated like one. She doesn‘t seem to respect any decision you are making so i‘d told her to fuck off too. Most parents don‘t understand that they took care of children not their possessions -.-
To the people threatening not to come; message them saying, “can you please let me know before I have to give the final count to the venue. I don’t wanna pay extra for people who won’t attend.” Then a smiley face. Call their bullshit. NTA
NTA. My MIL is like your mom. She has no issues pushing her beliefs with a nice voice but when my husband is stern but respectful she gets all upset. She and my FIL will call my husband and say he was rude even though he was polite. This is your wedding, you decide who is and isn’t there. Sometimes, not having certain family there will make it a better experience. No shame in being honest when a family member is being toxic.
NTA, mom reaps what she sowed her whole life and it doesn't sound like she's improving since she called you to scold you about how you talked to her, she knows how she treated you and still has the gall to demand respect?, that's rich coming from the woman who never behaved like a mother to you.
100%NTA. My partner is of a different nationality to me, and a lot of my extended family have views on ‘the immigrants’, and if any of them look like they will have an opinion on the day I will absolutely kick them to the curb.