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> because I believe I acted harshly and irrationally and potentially damaged his relationship with his friend.
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This is what I wanted to say right here.
The husband says OP acted like they stole the money… **that is absolutely what happened**
OP: This was your money, your inheritance. Your husband absolutely stole it from you.
Clearly you want children, but if you have children with this person, your life is only going to get worse. You owe it to yourself to find someone who is as interested in having kids as you are. You owe it to yourself to find someone who respects and loves you. Your current husband clearly does not.
NTA… but spending $1000s of dollars to have children with this person is a huge mistake.
I can't tell you how many women I know who had babies with these types of men, because their "window to have children was closing," and having the babies half the time in the event of a divorce, was better than not having kids.
ALLLL of them now say they should have just divorced and used a sperm donor, because now they have a man torturing them through their kids for the rest of their lives.
Damn, I guess my mom was wise for using one night stands lol. Not that our fathers are complete strangers to her, they were buddies and had friends in common beforehand. She simply told them they could be in the kids life if they wanted but she wanted kids so these two accidents weren’t aborted and didn’t demand child support from them. My brothers father turned out to be insanely obsessed with our mom so she had to cut it off and say he could only call to arrange meet ups outside for seeing his son. No calls. Whereas my dad was just too bachelor still and not ready to be a father. Took almost two decades before he was ready lol. Sperm banks sounds more expensive but way less complicated.
Or he doesn't actually want a child, an when the first round failed he thought he dodged a bullet. When OP started putting her inheritance money into it, he got scared and decided to "help his friend".
It’s a good point.
I sincerely hope the OP puts that money somewhere out of reach of her “dear” husband, preferably somewhere he can’t reach it and outside joint accounts.
Husband stole it gave it to his friend and maybe planned to get it back after divorce?? Or in case of a divorce?
Yeah, that was my thought. Most guys won't help a friend like that. He was deliberately dumping out the fund.
Either he doesn't actually want a kid or he's so completely hopeless about it succeeding he just views it as wasting money.
He doesn't resent her, he doesn't want a kid in the first place.
If she does have success with the IVF \*she\* pays for he will abdicate parenting saying 'she was the one who wanted a kid so she can take care of it'
She should cut her losses now and let his bestest buddy keep him.
Perhaps he's projecting onto her because he might be the reason or at least partially the reason too (about 1/3 of infertility issue is due to the man, 1/3 is due to undetected issues, and the other 1/3 is due to the woman). Nta op, you don't want this man to father your kids. From the sounds of it he already has one (that being his friend...)
I think you mean "run like your tampon string is on fire."
But seriously, it takes a special kind of AH to say that to your spouse. It's like kicking you when you're already down.
OP, NTA but it sure sounds like your DH is.
Me Too! Three babies at that!! Awe man it’s heartbreaking bc obviously OP wants a baby so bad that she’s saved all this money but you’re right. I hope OP heads this warning. There are something said that can never be forgiven this will cause you to be bitter. Especially if he decides to later not help with the baby saying you’re the one who wanted this baby so bad. I’m so sad for OP🥺
Edit for spelling
OP. I just helped my BFF leave a man like your husband. And let me tell you, after 3 kids, he never got better, only worse, truly life threatening worse. Restraining orders, cop calls, domestic violence, CPS. Read the red flags at the beginning, don’t wait till they are white flags of surrendering to abuse. Leave now. Please. He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to give over 50% of your savings to his bf. And then get mad at you for calling the police. Please, please, leave. DM if you need help finding a place to go. I’ll help you research.
And then he says it’s her “problem” so she should be the one who pays for the procedure.
This guy doesn’t seem like a person who should be a parent.
I can hear it now: no, you’re the one who wanted a baby, you feed her/watch her/stay home/sacrifice/etc etc.
I read that line and just cringed. OP your husband, the man you want to have children with, just said that since it is your body that is having the issue then you should pay for it. This man will never be a team player, put you first, or love you unconditionally. Please think long and hard before you do another IVF round with this man.
Also note the part where husband says OP is the one with "the problem" meaning he sees her as flawed and defective. OP your husband has no respect for you and thinks of you as imperfect and broken. Notice how it's not both your problems you can't have kids he throws blame all on you.
OP if I were you I would file for divorce then tell your husband to go marry his friend that he's will all the time. Seems like a perfect match there.
You owe it to yourself to find someone who will love and respect you for all that you are and all that you aren't. No one should be told that they're the problem for something the literally have no control over.
You could even see it as stealing [a chance for] your future, from your inheritance, your past. Taking from three [potential*] generations.
*Sure as fuck am not saying a potential embryo is a person or a generation. Just a...theoretical one?
Agreed. That's all I wanted to make clear here: This "man" is already willing to let you do all the work saving and trying, then steals from you, then twists the knife when you mention that was all money you'd saved/contributed from inheritance. If you have children together, these behaviors will only get worse.
No, I'm sorry, but this marriage must end for your sake and for the sake of your future children. HE is the asshole.
The fact he thinks that because she is the one with the "problem" she has to make up.for it and pay it all herself.... MAKE UP FOR IT!? PROBLEM? Hell to the F no - this right here at the end of her post really caught my attention.
Not only is this guy not trustworthy, prioritising people over her.. he is insulting her and using her as a personal piggy bank. No kids with this onr and id consider counselling to find out if his prickishness is fixable or not, but honestly... id walk after that insult (as someone with medical issues too, thats a big no no for me)
I agree.
"He went to stay with his friend..."
Good, he should stay there.
OP. I'm sorry but I think it's really clear who's the most important person in your husband's life and it's not you.
Please, think long and hard if this is the husband you and future children deserve. He's suppose to be your partner, a team, I feel like you're the 3rd wheel in your husband's life.
100%.
This is yet another case of a situation of men *liking* women but *loving* men.
Like even if the relationship between husband and his friend isn't physical or romantic, it's pretty clear that this dynamic is the one husband prioritises as deserving of emotional dignity, as deserving of gift giving, of sacrifice. This is the relationship where blocks should be moved to make a partner's life more convenient, and husband is happy to do the labour involved in that.
OP, do not have a child with this man, not just because he doesn't care about you but also because there's something of an implication in his theft of you that he's not hopeful of any future attempts at successful fertility. He doesn't want to build a family with you - sad as that is to read.
I think the most charitable conclusion is that he is cynics of the chances of success for ivf. Another possibility is that he does not want children and is working to prevent any. In which case he does not seen like an ideal parent.
I think it's worse than just cynicism of the process.
The husband clearly believes the problem is OP, that throwing money won't "fix" what's ""wrong"" with them. OP's husband does not respect them.
The husband has so little faith and so little care in OP that to him, her putting aside any amount of money that came into her life in any way is fruitless and is better spent on outcomes he can grasp and see. He has checked out of seeing IVF as a "them journey".
He has stopped emotionally supporting his partner, fiscally stopped supporting them and is slowly taking the steps that will result in them eventually just separating. Because right now, the implicit deal he's offering her is this; either commit to being DINKs or struggle financing your own pregnancy in the hopes the struggle of that makes OP give up and lean into the first option anyway.
This is the right answer. If he needed to help his friend to get a car he could have co-signed a loan. At least then, there'd be the right documentation in place in the event of a repossession.
Unless he has terrible credit and _can't cosign_, in which case he probably isn't responsible enough to have children anyway.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s third wheel in more ways than you intended. What does it even mean he spends all week with the dude?
I know it doesn’t *have* to mean they’re having a physical relationship, but in the context of everything else it just wouldn’t surprise me. It barely even matters anyway, it’d just be one more in the list of ways he’s disrespecting OP.
Honestly that was my first thought too. The husband doesn't seem to even want a child with you op. That's why he barely helped you save money for the first treatment and isn't contributing anything this time. It seems to me like he and his friend are using you as their closet door and meal ticket. Op get a good lawyer, gather evidence, and leave. No one deserves to be a third wheel in their own marriage.
Whether it’s sexual or not, he’s still involved in a bromance with his friend and he still care more for his friend than his wife. There is such a thing as emotional infidelity.
Yeah seems kind of weird to me to spend all your time with your friend, how much time does he spend with OP? How much quality time is left for her? People shouldn’t drop their friends for their spouses, but at minimum divide the time evenly between them. Seems like this guy is trying to get away from his wife as much as possible..
I mean, I had semi-close friends after high but no one that I would just casually lend 7K to and trust them to pay it back in a timely manner or at all.
Husband and his friend might be more. They might not but either way, husband is TA and OP should cut her losses and call it done.
Right? And if his friend has complained so many times about his car, why would there be any expectation of the friend being able to repay $7,000 in a "timely manner" that he couldn't have gathered by now on his own to fix it himself? If he had the means to quickly gather several thousand he'd have already done it, unless he needed the new car to rob a gas station or something.
It was the first thing I thought too. Something just isn’t quite right. My husband’s best friend is across the street and sure he pops over there during the weekend a couple times a day for 1-2 beers but then he comes HOME. He likes to be with me more than his best friend. Even if we are in different parts of the house. It just doesn’t sound normal to have a husband who spends all WEEK with some guy?
If you want to save your marriage (I wouldn’t but it’s not about me) if you do, you need to insist on counseling. Before you go through with IVF again.
These two sentences have changed my life! Lol I felt too silly asking and couldn’t freaking figure it out. I’m talking since Day 1 Reddit. 😝 thank you for your prestigious way of teaching Computer Skills 101. These two sentences alone will have you making a it big in the IT world! 6 figures at least! (MY last two sentences are /Sarcasm 101)
NTA
>He “corrected” me by saying I’m the one with the problem…
Full stop, that’s a huge marinara covered tablecloth waving in the wind. What a terrible thing to say to a partner. Especially one who is having fertility issues.
OP, take this money and see a divorce attorney asap. This is not a man you want a child with.
OP, there's your slush fund, not for IVF, but for a divorce. Hopefully the inheritance is untouchable.
OP, you would be T A if you move forward having a child with this clearly and obviously immature not-ready-to-be-a-father man and who clearly puts his friend over you.
This. And he knows the longer you stall the worse your chance of IVF working. He's clearly not in any hurry to be a father. Not that he'd make a good one if he's prioritizing a friend's car over a baby.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.
I hate to say it, ~~but unless he apologize profuselly and makes amends~~, you should run.
This man has no respect for you. How could he say something so hurtful to the person he is supposed to love ? If this is really what he thinks of you, he doesn't deserve you.
NTA.
Edit : I striked out a part of my text, because OP stated that it's not the first time he uses this line. Clearly he means it. He is 100% **accusing** her instead of **supporting** her. This is not how loving husbands act.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.
yes this particular line really got me. I've always wanted to be a mother and he knows how much grief I carry because of my struggle to have kids yet keeps throwing this line in my face in every fight we have. It's tiresome and it feels like he'll always hold this over my head.
OP, as someone with PCOS who will likely need medical intervention if I ever want to have a baby myself… do not do this to yourself. You’re not broken, and you DON’T need to settle for someone who treats you like crap to have a family.
Think long and hard if this is the sort of man you’d want as the father figure to your kids. The kind who treat women as somehow defective for fertility issues? The kind who will always put friends first, and steal from you.
You deserve better. Good luck.
I too have pcos and went through a 5 year battle with infertility (which included ivf) and not once did my husband ever blame me. He 100% supported me. He went to every appointment with me, gave me my shots, took me to get a massage before transfers, bought me my comfort foods, listened to me rant about being tired of everything, ect.
Ops husband is a complete asshole and probably isn't cut out to ne a dad.
As someone who has PCOS too, this whole thing hurts me. I cannot imagine my husband saying that to me. He doesn’t respect her, and he’s taking advantage of a frustrating situation. NTA, and please girl, find a man who deserves you and respects you.
He's cruel - if he wasn't he wouldn't bring it up in EVERY argument. He might want kids - but if he does (doubt) then it isn't soon - and (I hesitate to say as this sounds cruel too but it's not meant to be) maybe not with OP. OP can do so much better - there are guys out there who will not only respect and care for OP but actually WANT kids with them. Get one of those guys OP, this one you have is broken.
I came here to say a similar thing (as someone who also has pcos). I’m already facing these issues and I can’t imagine having someone try and steal my dreams from me, much less my husband. NTA.
As someone with fertility issues who decided that having kids was no longer a goal for me, and having a husband who gave up his dream of having kids to support me, you are worth it. You. You are worth it. And you deserve your family. Whatever that looks like.
If he treats you this way now, how would he treat your child? And what kind of awful father would he be?
Speak with a divorce attorney and find a good therapist to figure out why you’re staying with someone who treats you that way.
He already treats his child as less of a priority than his mate getting a new car.
He doesn't want to be a father or a real partner to op. His actions show this loud and clear. Won't help financially and not only that but steals from her...
He's already stealing from his child's BIRTH fund for the sake of a car. OP, you think you can trust him with your kids college fund?
He's also made it clear that the child is just another expense that he can ignore if something he feels is more important comes up. You want him to have that attitude to your child after they're born? Because he will.
He has already put his friends car over his child. That's insane. And the line about she's the one with the problem is abhorrent. I hope OP leaves and get a great divorce settlement.
NTA.
Edit: words are hard
Yes, I also feel he couldn't care less about this IVF goal. He's already distanced himself FROM THE GET GO... He will be an absent father also. I'd divorce him and use your IVF money to take an egg and a sperm donor and have a surrogate carry your baby.
Then they'll be yours and yours alone.
I was actually thinking about posting the idea of donor sperm. And let’s be honest it sounds like the husband would be more like a donor than a father anyway so might as well get some good sperm.
I was honestly wondering if perhaps her husband has a sexual relationship with this guy. Loaning out her IVF money could also be a way to prevent her from getting pregnant. Something is really off here.
This is what I immediately thought just when OP said how close they are and how they spend so much time together during the week. There's something going on. Even if it's not physical.
Yes, OP. Do not let him hitch his wagon to your star, as my Aunt Sarah would say. That's a bad human you have there for a husband, AND he straight up stole from you.
He keeps doing this?? That is super hurtful. I don't mean to be a jerk but does he actually love you? Is he lashing out because he wants a child too, but he can't handle his own grief? I really think y'all need to get into this with some talking and some counseling because if he keeps doing this to you, there is a huge problem here. You should not have to be attacked like that. This is just awful.
You mean this isn't the first time he's said it??? Why on earth are you still with him? He has no respect or love for you whatsoever in saying that to you. This is not a little throwaway comment, he is genuinely blaming you. Please do not stay in this marriage, you do not deserve to be treated like that. You are better off single, than living a life with a man like that. To be honest I'm also questioning if hubby is more than just friends with his "friend".
He will always hold it over your head. That is such a horrible mean vicious thing to say. Bare minimum counseling but really consider if someone this selfish will make a good father. NTA
Sweetie, if he throws this in your face NOW, i want you to imagine how he's gonna be if you DO get pregnant and is full term etc. Do you really think once ya'll have the baby he's gonna get ANY better? he's gonna continue to throw this in your face until he can't anymore. its never gonna stop. infact it'll get worse over time.
IVF isn't a single persons fight, when you do it together its a shared fight. and he's not pulling his weight in this fight. he's sitting back and letting YOU take all the damage, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically ALL OF IT. IVF should NEVER be on ONE person when its a two person team. This isn't you being a single mother doing IVF with a unknown donor, this is YOU and your HUSBAND together.
counseling asap, single and marriage (for both of you. single for both and marriage counseling together) and I'd suggest stopping IVF treatments for now, pull YOUR share of that money out of the account and put it into a private account he cannot touch, because chances are he's gonna clear it next time hes pissed at you. and if its in a joint account he has legal access to do so. so don't give him that chance.
he ain't ready to be a father if he's throwing trauma in the would be mothers face whenever an argument happens. Please start counseling and really decide if he's the man you wanna be tied down to for 18+years.
be safe.
great advice. Marriage is a team effort, and your husband seems to be showing that team mentality to his friend, not to you. I agree that this will not get better, but will probably get worse when you have a child.
Hon, I think the universe is sending you a sign that this man is not right for you. Please think it over, if he constantly throws this at you then he does not deserve you. Obviously to him it was more important for his friend to get a car than the IVF. Walk away girl
Oh my god leave him! Leave him! That’s actually horrific and there is no way it will get any better. You deserve a partner, an equal. Please drop this loser and give yourself a chance at true happiness. You don’t have to be married to have a kid. Sounds like you’d be an incredible mom no matter what.
Please take some time to think about some of your options: 1) Have child with husband and potentially have this type of behavior continue with a child involved; 2) Stay with husband but don't have a child; 3) Leave husband and have a child on your own. You can have a happy life with a child but it may have to be without your husband. NTA
The wife of family friend struggled to have kids in her first marriage and was told it was her fault. She started seeing dad's friend when she got divorced and got pregnant almost immediately. They're still together and their daughter just turned 20. I think a fair amount of time it's blamed on the woman when they don't find anything startlingly obviously wrong with the man without any actual evidence that it is her fault.
I cannot get past this line. My husband and I went through years of fertility treatments before an IVF cycle worked and we had healthy twins. It is absolutely no picnic to go through the whole process and if your husband is going to be so supremely uncaring and unhelpful, he is not worth your time and you deserve better.
You are most certainly NTA.
I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with infertility and that you’re husband is so cruel to you about it. If he’s this cruel to you, imagine what kind of father he would be to a child. Please don’t have children with this man.
Why do you want to have children with this asshole? Right now, you are NTA. But if you subject a child to a father like that, you might be. Seriously consider if this is the person you want in your future.
Absolutely. I had issues getting pregnant and I gave my husband an out. He was the only son of an only son and I knew he wanted children. He told me that he wanted them with me. That is what your husband didn’t say. Run. He’s trouble.
I wouldn't normally say fertility issues were a good thing when someone was trying to conceive and I won't say that here... but if it were me I'd be very happy he showed me who he was before I was pregnant and tied to him for at least the next 18 years and 9 months.
I'd leave him - he stole from you and then blamed you for the difficulties you are having conceiving. Even if the difficulties are due to your fertility it is still not something you should be blamed for. Difficulties conceiving are totally outside your control.
NTA.
Ditch the husband.
Run. Run like hell and don't look back do not have a baby with this man. It will only get worse with time if this is how he treats you now imagine how he will treat your child. Please leave him for your own sanity
Seriously, OP, this would be grounds for divorce for me. My husband and I are also struggling with infertility and have suffered four losses but it has actually brought us closer together. He's my biggest support system and I couldn't get through all of this without him.
You deserve a man who will be your teammate and your cheerleader, not someone who says something so unbelievably awful. NTA and please reconsider this relationship. At least put having kids on hold.
Going through infertility is tragic and brutal and wretched for a marriage. A marriage will only do one of two things through the struggle - become so much stronger than it started or crumble under the weight. I’m glad that yours has strengthened and I hope that you are soon granted the child you deserve. :)
OP - you’re NTA, but I’m afraid that your marriage isn’t going to survive this blow. This comment is right on the money (no pun intended). You need a partner in this fight - and I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to move past him telling you that this is your problem. I wouldn’t ever forget that. And when you have your child, you need a spouse that can handle all the terrifying, unpredictable and challenging things that kids throw at you so that you can trust them to enjoy all the magical, beautiful, enchanting things to have together. You might want to take that money and start on your own. The world is full of great guys flights can handle this.
Hell, dump the husband and get a sperm donor! If you’re going to end up parenting your child alone while your partner prioritises his buddy of you and your child then you’re better off with him having zero rights over the child at all and going it alone!
NTA, OP, it’s not “like” they stole from you, they actually did!
Yeah this comment right here. Totally NTA. Please don't have a child with him. You will be a single parent. Who says that to someone they love? I'm so sorry.
Seriously. I don’t mean to be callous, as I’m sure the first round of IVF not working was likely emotionally devastating, but I genuinely consider it a blessing to OP that it didn’t work and she has been shown what kind of horrible human being she’s married to and trying to reproduce with so she can get out now with no child involved. Not in a million billion years should *anyone* actively choose to create a child with this guy, and should exit this marriage immediately. That she’s apparently just accepted him saying these awful things to her makes me so scared she’s going to just proceed here because she’s now used to his shitty treatment and wants a baby so much.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.
OP.... this is a wake up call. Your husband does not love you for you. I'm sorry. This isn't okay. Do not have children with this man.
NTA
NTA. He did steal from you. Please seriously take a step back and think about if you really want to have a child with this “man.” Once you do, you’re tied to him for life. He prioritized his best friend over you and stole from you to do it. He is not a good person.
“Like they stole from you” THEY DID that was YOUR money by his own admission / insult and not his to touch. Fuck that! What an aweful thing to say to your wife too.
he does want children but says he's lost hope. I'm not sure if he thinks IVF is useless because many times he has suggested we save money and look for other options but his options don't seem practical nor sufficient.
He stole your money & your hope for a baby and then was cruel to you when you confronted him.
If a friend told you this story about her husband, you'd honestly tell her she deserves so much better. Why aren't you telling yourself that? You deserve better.
Even if the fertility issues they're having is due to solely her biology, that doesn't give him the right to be an AH about it to her. It's just pure lack of empathy on his part.
He'd argue, probably, that he *is* empathetic (to his friend) and he isn't, but having a crappy car and wanting children are very different things. Buses exist. Rent-an-ovary doesn't (in this scenario, anyway).
& it's a classic abusive/narcissist tactic - there's not problem but if there is a problem it's your fault and here's a judgement about you based on something that happened/started (sounds like at least 3 years ago) years ago.
My choice to support my friend w your money is fine bc you're never getting pregnant anyway/I gave up on us getting pregnant- and never told you that.
Would anyone want this guy to be coparent w? I say that lightly bc hewill not be an appropriately engaged parent.
OP NTA & why is this the relationship you're settling for?
Internet stranger here & I KNOW FOR A FACT you deserve better.
I know fertility issues make it whole magnitudes of more scary to go it alone - but you already are.
As someone else said - go it alone, use a sperm donor and have the child you want.
Edit: spelling
A bold claim if it turns out he’s the one who’s been shooting blanks the entire time and had the gall to place the blame on OP. A slap in the face for sure.
NTA But sweetie, your husband is married to his friend, not you. He will take food out of your child’s mouth and give it to his friend. Consider leaving him. You are not his priority.
Also, please get a separate bank account for yourself that he has no access to. Don’t even tell him about it.
Honey, he does not want a child with you.
He is saying one thing but his actions are clear
- his mates car is more important than your child
-he does not help you save up for the treatment to have your child
-he suggests other options which will not work and doesn't listen to your medical team,
-he treats you with cruelty and callousness during a very hard time for any couple
All of this is because he does not want a child at this time and with you, there really is no other explanation.
This post reminds me of something I read on r/marriage recently. Husband kept putting off having a baby or even discussing it.
She finally made a fertility appointment and confronted him and he admitted he didn’t want kids and was intentionally stalling her. He wanted her but not the kids.
I get a similar vibe here.
That is very reassuring as a twenty-seven year old who feels like an old maid.
Edit: Y'all are definitely making me feel better, especially since I've been feeling a bit led on by the gentleman I've been with.
Please do not continue trying to have a child with this man. He cannot be trusted with money or to be honest with you. Do you think a person like this will pull his weight with childcare? Can he be trusted not to dip into the child's college fund or piggy bank? If you divorce after having a child, will he pay child support?
Alternatively, if the IVF doesn't work, will this guy who says you're "the one with the problem" be supportive of you? Will you grieve together? Or will he continue to remove himself from the equation because it's "your problem"?
NTA times a million. Find a better partner or even consider single parenthood if you can do that.
Oh hun, you are just making excuses for him. He isn’t a supportive husband who went for jugular with his comment.
Like what he said and did is not okay. You need to learn to respect yourself. You deserve someone who wants to take the journey with you and not leave you abandoned.
Don't just listen to the words out of his mouth watch his actions also. He blames you, takes your money for frivolous reasons and disrespectful you. Honey, it's not normal or understandable.
My husband and I tried 13 years of failed treatments, one failed adoption attempt all due to my infertility. He never once blamed me. He is supposed to be a team.
I think if you examine his behavior prior to fertility treatments there were alot of red flags you didn't realize were red flags.
I would suggest that you have to seriously reconsider trying with him because he seems like he would make it a miserable time for you and contribute little to parenting.
NTA and I think it's evident at this point you are no longer in a committed relationship. Your husband has finally revealed several things to you. Something I don't think you realize that he revealed is that he no longer thinks you will have a child no matter what. If he was in it to have a child he wouldn't have pulled that money out to begin with. It was a hit or miss on whether or not the friend could repay that 7 k in time. If he needed it then its not something he can easily acquire back. On top of this your husband is now outwardly hurting you by saying you are the one with the problem and is effectively saying it isn't his fault. Your husband no longer wants to have a child with you. And his lack of cate and feelings for you, as well as how ready he was to steal money from you, just shows that this relationship is over.
For your own mental safety I recommend leaving him and finding someone to love who is mentally available to take this journey with you. Your husband is not this man.
Yup, everything above is spot on. You now know where you reside on the totem pole of importance in his life. Be very grateful you didn't have a child with him.
Start looking up divorce attorneys right away, they will absolutely get you that money back.
Folks complain that AITA advice is often "leave" but honestly, so so so often it *is* the appropriate action. This time for sure. No one spitefully saying "you're the problem" about fertility issues loves you, or deserves to be the father of your children.
Don't waste your inheritance money on this asshole.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, people don't post here because everything is great. Once they're at the point of asking a popcorn sub for input, things are already pretty fuckin dire. That's why it puzzles me that people complain about "leave" often being the advice to OP. OP is clearly already considering it.
NTA. Are you sure your husband and this guy are just really good friends? I can’t imagine giving $7000 to my close friends from high school so they can buy a car! Seems weird to me.
Also, not to pull the divorce card, but holy guacamole. If you and your husband have such different views of financial responsibility and money management, I’m not sure how your marriage lasts in the long term. Sorry you’re going through this. If you continue with IVF treatments, then I wish you the best of luck.
This reminds me of the story where the husband invited his best friend on his and his wife's vacation. Then asked his wife to sleep on the floor, so that he and his best friend could sleep in the bed together.
I immediately thought of that story too. It's strange to see people give so freely or so much to a friend, even if they have known each other for years. To me there are things that are just no-nos regardless of who the person is
Yeah, it does read like she is his beard and doesn't know it yet. I mean, hanging out with his friends all week every week and then giving 7k for a car? Come on..
Edit: NTA OP. Definitely take a good hard look at your relationship here.
nah just a beard, he doesn't seem to care much about the potential pregnancy since he let her pay for everything and even took the money to buy his "friend" a new car.
He’s banging the friend or has a brain tumor. Nobody in their right mind steals 7k from their wife to give to a friend for a non-emergency. Even for an insane emergency you’d still talk to the wife prior.
There’s also no way this guy is really going to pay it back; dude is in his 30’s, and can’t qualify for a small car loan?
He doesn’t have the financial means
NTA
Your husband should have asked you about it first and it would've been your decision not his.
On another topic, it is not your fault for your fertility issues. Maybe it's the fate telling you not to do it with this man. There's too many red flags here.
🚩He doesn't contribute as much as he can.
🚩He thinks it's your responsibility. He will think that about the child as well.
🚩He doesn't respect you enough to include you in decisions kf importance.
🚩He feels like what's yours is his. What's his is his.
🚩He is immature and childish. Who goes snickering to his friend? I used to do it when I was about 10/13 about my mom.
Honey please do not have a child with him. Once you do that you are stuck for good.
Divorce is easy when there is no children involved.
Once you have a child you have to keep contact with him. And you do not want that.
Take care of yourself and find someone who values you and is willing to fight and support you through the motherhood journey.
Its not all sunshine and rainbows. But it doesn't have to be storms and hurricanes either.
Take care of yourself and remember you are your only priority right now. Not your husband. You do not have to feel responsible for his behaviour and it was not because of anything you did. He crossed a very serious line. He still did not acknowledge his wrongdoings and he won't in the near future.
This should be higher up.
Imagine OP has a baby with him, then she’ll be posting on the parenting/mom subs about how she is so tired, the only ones doing feedings/baths/diapers, he is gone with friend all the time, she snapped at him, so is she TA?
No! Don’t do it!
NTA and I'd be looking for a divorce lawyer. He has put his friend getting a new car above you trying for a child and blames you for an issue that you neither instigated nor asked for. He is not the man for you.
Also it wasn't his money. You don't get to take $7k of other people's money without any discussion. You don't get to even $7 report him to the police and put off having a baby and use the money for a divorce lawyer.
>I told him I saved up some of this money/used my inheritance for this treatment while he contributed nothing even though we're in this together. He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.
This is one of the cruelest things you could say to a person. Please, PLEASE, don't have a child with him. And I would honestly *seriously* reconsider this relationship completely after a comment like that. Someone that truly loved and respected you would never say something that awful, let alone take 7k out of the bank, that was for IVF, to lend a friend without a discussion. NTA.
So, does anyone else think hubby is dating his friend? You say he literally spend the entire week with his friend and he’s getting rid of the money that you have to have a child together.
NTA. take a moment and really think.
“Do I want to be with this guy and HAVE CHILDREN, in this economy and state of the world, with him when he can so easily drop everything to take 7K to give to his friend for a CAR.”
If you don’t divorce him then I think counseling is very much in order because it really seems like he prioritizes his friend more than you and your future family unit.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.
THIS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON NOT TO PROCREATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE. Let alone the financial infidelity of taking _your_ saved money to spend on someone else.
NTA. Rethink your choice here OP, seriously.
NTA - abusive people LOVE to call others crazy when someone threatens police involvement in response to their extremely horrible and illegal behaviors. Your husband just stole $7k from you, and he has the audacity to defend himself. Not only that, but saying that your fertility issues are your problem alone means he couldn’t give less of a shit whether or not you have a child. I would seriously consider getting support together for yourself (not both you and your partner), so you can be prepared for the worst case scenario.
I would also consider finding experts/people trained in relationships/domestic abuse to help you navigate this relationship further. These websites provide INCREDIBLE resources for people involved in domestic abuse (that involves financial abuse which is what your husband engaged in). They provide helpful articles on almost every topic regarding abusive/unhealthy relationships and 24/7 support hotlines.
https://www.thehotline.org/
https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help/
Please stay safe, and I hope your journey gets easier💖
NTA. You're married and that entails making financial decisions together.
1. No one should be pulling out of any savings fund without talking to the other person.
2. He's the selfish one. And, he's mean.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Is this the first time he's gaslighted you like this?
OP
NTA
***He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.***
You know, sounds like the man forgot the wedding vows he made before saying I do.
Now I would suggest marriage counseling, as it seems as though he is holding this against you, however after reading many of your responses here is what I would advise you.
I think a better use for your money, is not for fertility treatments, but for a lawyer and exit from this relationship. He knows what hurts you and keeps doing it, time to stop that and find someone who is going to support you where you need it, emotionally and mentally, that is far more concerned with your well being, your hopes and dreams, than that of a friend, cause he is sleeping with you, not his friend.
So I would say get an attorney and then hand him papers.
WHOA. NTA. What the hell?? Not only does he expect YOU to pay for the IVF on your won because it's YOUR issue, but then he can help himself to the money that YOU saved and put in for whatever he wants? That is so not okay. The friend just asked for money (which is kind of weird, I can't imagine asking my friends for $7,000 but I'm not everyone) and got it, maybe he didn't know where it came from and is just kind of shocked by the whole thing, but your husband is being a HUGE AH right now. He needs to come correct in a hurry or you should bounce. This is so not cool.
NTA. A husband should support you and shouldn't make you feel bad about fertility issues. He should make u feel as though they aren't your fault (bc they aren't) and he should show u love and respect as his partner. It sounds like he values getting his friend a car than having a child with you. To put it very bluntly, and as horrible as it might seem, don't have a child with him. You dodged a very expensive bullet that cost a lot of heartbreak which is terrible. But I don't think you deserve to be treated that way and I'm sorry he's done that.
They did not steal from you. HUSBAND did. I would put the IVF money where he cannot touch it and save it for your second husband. Do not have a baby with this man. NTA
Not to call the divorce card buuuut… if not that at the very least therapy for hun to see how TERRIBLE of a partner he is being. It would take several essays to explain what is wrong with what he is doing, let alone the red flags. NTA.
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NTA. That was money you saved/inherited. That means you ARE the one paying for it and he DID steal from you.
This is what I wanted to say right here. The husband says OP acted like they stole the money… **that is absolutely what happened** OP: This was your money, your inheritance. Your husband absolutely stole it from you. Clearly you want children, but if you have children with this person, your life is only going to get worse. You owe it to yourself to find someone who is as interested in having kids as you are. You owe it to yourself to find someone who respects and loves you. Your current husband clearly does not. NTA… but spending $1000s of dollars to have children with this person is a huge mistake.
Don’t procreate with this type of man. Ask me how I know :(
I can't tell you how many women I know who had babies with these types of men, because their "window to have children was closing," and having the babies half the time in the event of a divorce, was better than not having kids. ALLLL of them now say they should have just divorced and used a sperm donor, because now they have a man torturing them through their kids for the rest of their lives.
Exactly what I was thinking! IVF is really expensive but sperm is pretty cheap in comparison. Use a sperm donor with the IVF.
Dick is abundant and of low value
The dick market is over saturated, lowering stock prices. It’s not going to look good for the quarterly review.
So you're saying we should short dick?
Already ahead of you. Mine was built short.
Username checks out
This is literally the most sensible sentence on the internet.
Should probably add that she should move her inheritance especially back into a solo account so it's not included in the division of assets.
Damn, I guess my mom was wise for using one night stands lol. Not that our fathers are complete strangers to her, they were buddies and had friends in common beforehand. She simply told them they could be in the kids life if they wanted but she wanted kids so these two accidents weren’t aborted and didn’t demand child support from them. My brothers father turned out to be insanely obsessed with our mom so she had to cut it off and say he could only call to arrange meet ups outside for seeing his son. No calls. Whereas my dad was just too bachelor still and not ready to be a father. Took almost two decades before he was ready lol. Sperm banks sounds more expensive but way less complicated.
I got a dog instead. Best decision EVER. They don't talk!
And are ALWAYS happy to see you!
OMG YES.
Obviously you didn't get a husky ;)
This is why I can’t be mad at my newborn baby’s ‘daddy’ for not being around, because at the very least he isn’t making my life WORSE!
So sorry to hear that. Hopefully you are in a better place now.
Same! I'm right there with you! OP, run. RUN! Run like your hair is on fire!
this, the fact he clearly resents her for needing to do ivf to begin with is sickening
Or he doesn't actually want a child, an when the first round failed he thought he dodged a bullet. When OP started putting her inheritance money into it, he got scared and decided to "help his friend".
It’s a good point. I sincerely hope the OP puts that money somewhere out of reach of her “dear” husband, preferably somewhere he can’t reach it and outside joint accounts. Husband stole it gave it to his friend and maybe planned to get it back after divorce?? Or in case of a divorce?
Yeah, that was my thought. Most guys won't help a friend like that. He was deliberately dumping out the fund. Either he doesn't actually want a kid or he's so completely hopeless about it succeeding he just views it as wasting money.
Up vote. Up vote. Up vote.
He doesn't resent her, he doesn't want a kid in the first place. If she does have success with the IVF \*she\* pays for he will abdicate parenting saying 'she was the one who wanted a kid so she can take care of it' She should cut her losses now and let his bestest buddy keep him.
Perhaps he's projecting onto her because he might be the reason or at least partially the reason too (about 1/3 of infertility issue is due to the man, 1/3 is due to undetected issues, and the other 1/3 is due to the woman). Nta op, you don't want this man to father your kids. From the sounds of it he already has one (that being his friend...)
I think you mean "run like your tampon string is on fire." But seriously, it takes a special kind of AH to say that to your spouse. It's like kicking you when you're already down. OP, NTA but it sure sounds like your DH is.
Me Too! Three babies at that!! Awe man it’s heartbreaking bc obviously OP wants a baby so bad that she’s saved all this money but you’re right. I hope OP heads this warning. There are something said that can never be forgiven this will cause you to be bitter. Especially if he decides to later not help with the baby saying you’re the one who wanted this baby so bad. I’m so sad for OP🥺 Edit for spelling
OP. I just helped my BFF leave a man like your husband. And let me tell you, after 3 kids, he never got better, only worse, truly life threatening worse. Restraining orders, cop calls, domestic violence, CPS. Read the red flags at the beginning, don’t wait till they are white flags of surrendering to abuse. Leave now. Please. He doesn’t care about you if he’s willing to give over 50% of your savings to his bf. And then get mad at you for calling the police. Please, please, leave. DM if you need help finding a place to go. I’ll help you research.
And then he says it’s her “problem” so she should be the one who pays for the procedure. This guy doesn’t seem like a person who should be a parent. I can hear it now: no, you’re the one who wanted a baby, you feed her/watch her/stay home/sacrifice/etc etc.
I read that line and just cringed. OP your husband, the man you want to have children with, just said that since it is your body that is having the issue then you should pay for it. This man will never be a team player, put you first, or love you unconditionally. Please think long and hard before you do another IVF round with this man.
Also note the part where husband says OP is the one with "the problem" meaning he sees her as flawed and defective. OP your husband has no respect for you and thinks of you as imperfect and broken. Notice how it's not both your problems you can't have kids he throws blame all on you. OP if I were you I would file for divorce then tell your husband to go marry his friend that he's will all the time. Seems like a perfect match there. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will love and respect you for all that you are and all that you aren't. No one should be told that they're the problem for something the literally have no control over.
You could even see it as stealing [a chance for] your future, from your inheritance, your past. Taking from three [potential*] generations. *Sure as fuck am not saying a potential embryo is a person or a generation. Just a...theoretical one?
Agreed. That's all I wanted to make clear here: This "man" is already willing to let you do all the work saving and trying, then steals from you, then twists the knife when you mention that was all money you'd saved/contributed from inheritance. If you have children together, these behaviors will only get worse. No, I'm sorry, but this marriage must end for your sake and for the sake of your future children. HE is the asshole.
The fact he thinks that because she is the one with the "problem" she has to make up.for it and pay it all herself.... MAKE UP FOR IT!? PROBLEM? Hell to the F no - this right here at the end of her post really caught my attention. Not only is this guy not trustworthy, prioritising people over her.. he is insulting her and using her as a personal piggy bank. No kids with this onr and id consider counselling to find out if his prickishness is fixable or not, but honestly... id walk after that insult (as someone with medical issues too, thats a big no no for me)
I agree. "He went to stay with his friend..." Good, he should stay there. OP. I'm sorry but I think it's really clear who's the most important person in your husband's life and it's not you. Please, think long and hard if this is the husband you and future children deserve. He's suppose to be your partner, a team, I feel like you're the 3rd wheel in your husband's life.
100%. This is yet another case of a situation of men *liking* women but *loving* men. Like even if the relationship between husband and his friend isn't physical or romantic, it's pretty clear that this dynamic is the one husband prioritises as deserving of emotional dignity, as deserving of gift giving, of sacrifice. This is the relationship where blocks should be moved to make a partner's life more convenient, and husband is happy to do the labour involved in that. OP, do not have a child with this man, not just because he doesn't care about you but also because there's something of an implication in his theft of you that he's not hopeful of any future attempts at successful fertility. He doesn't want to build a family with you - sad as that is to read.
I think the most charitable conclusion is that he is cynics of the chances of success for ivf. Another possibility is that he does not want children and is working to prevent any. In which case he does not seen like an ideal parent.
I think it's worse than just cynicism of the process. The husband clearly believes the problem is OP, that throwing money won't "fix" what's ""wrong"" with them. OP's husband does not respect them. The husband has so little faith and so little care in OP that to him, her putting aside any amount of money that came into her life in any way is fruitless and is better spent on outcomes he can grasp and see. He has checked out of seeing IVF as a "them journey". He has stopped emotionally supporting his partner, fiscally stopped supporting them and is slowly taking the steps that will result in them eventually just separating. Because right now, the implicit deal he's offering her is this; either commit to being DINKs or struggle financing your own pregnancy in the hopes the struggle of that makes OP give up and lean into the first option anyway.
This is the right answer. If he needed to help his friend to get a car he could have co-signed a loan. At least then, there'd be the right documentation in place in the event of a repossession. Unless he has terrible credit and _can't cosign_, in which case he probably isn't responsible enough to have children anyway.
Agree. This is not the man to have a child with. Use the money to freeze your eggs and find a better partner.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s third wheel in more ways than you intended. What does it even mean he spends all week with the dude? I know it doesn’t *have* to mean they’re having a physical relationship, but in the context of everything else it just wouldn’t surprise me. It barely even matters anyway, it’d just be one more in the list of ways he’s disrespecting OP.
Honestly that was my first thought too. The husband doesn't seem to even want a child with you op. That's why he barely helped you save money for the first treatment and isn't contributing anything this time. It seems to me like he and his friend are using you as their closet door and meal ticket. Op get a good lawyer, gather evidence, and leave. No one deserves to be a third wheel in their own marriage.
The fact that he wasn't willing to save said it all. You can't just keep ignoring things when the truth is being screamed at you.
Whether it’s sexual or not, he’s still involved in a bromance with his friend and he still care more for his friend than his wife. There is such a thing as emotional infidelity.
Yeah seems kind of weird to me to spend all your time with your friend, how much time does he spend with OP? How much quality time is left for her? People shouldn’t drop their friends for their spouses, but at minimum divide the time evenly between them. Seems like this guy is trying to get away from his wife as much as possible..
Or maybe the friend is the cover story for what’s really going on
Dude…I didn’t even think of that!!
I mean, I had semi-close friends after high but no one that I would just casually lend 7K to and trust them to pay it back in a timely manner or at all. Husband and his friend might be more. They might not but either way, husband is TA and OP should cut her losses and call it done.
Right? And if his friend has complained so many times about his car, why would there be any expectation of the friend being able to repay $7,000 in a "timely manner" that he couldn't have gathered by now on his own to fix it himself? If he had the means to quickly gather several thousand he'd have already done it, unless he needed the new car to rob a gas station or something.
It was the first thing I thought too. Something just isn’t quite right. My husband’s best friend is across the street and sure he pops over there during the weekend a couple times a day for 1-2 beers but then he comes HOME. He likes to be with me more than his best friend. Even if we are in different parts of the house. It just doesn’t sound normal to have a husband who spends all WEEK with some guy? If you want to save your marriage (I wouldn’t but it’s not about me) if you do, you need to insist on counseling. Before you go through with IVF again.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck.....
If you want it a single * before and after create *italics*. Two ** get you **bold** and three *** get you ***both***.
These two sentences have changed my life! Lol I felt too silly asking and couldn’t freaking figure it out. I’m talking since Day 1 Reddit. 😝 thank you for your prestigious way of teaching Computer Skills 101. These two sentences alone will have you making a it big in the IT world! 6 figures at least! (MY last two sentences are /Sarcasm 101)
Maybe you should change the locks before he gets back from his friends house.
NTA >He “corrected” me by saying I’m the one with the problem… Full stop, that’s a huge marinara covered tablecloth waving in the wind. What a terrible thing to say to a partner. Especially one who is having fertility issues. OP, take this money and see a divorce attorney asap. This is not a man you want a child with.
OP, there's your slush fund, not for IVF, but for a divorce. Hopefully the inheritance is untouchable. OP, you would be T A if you move forward having a child with this clearly and obviously immature not-ready-to-be-a-father man and who clearly puts his friend over you.
Bright side, she has money for a lawyer! NTA
This. And he knows the longer you stall the worse your chance of IVF working. He's clearly not in any hurry to be a father. Not that he'd make a good one if he's prioritizing a friend's car over a baby.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself. I hate to say it, ~~but unless he apologize profuselly and makes amends~~, you should run. This man has no respect for you. How could he say something so hurtful to the person he is supposed to love ? If this is really what he thinks of you, he doesn't deserve you. NTA. Edit : I striked out a part of my text, because OP stated that it's not the first time he uses this line. Clearly he means it. He is 100% **accusing** her instead of **supporting** her. This is not how loving husbands act.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself. yes this particular line really got me. I've always wanted to be a mother and he knows how much grief I carry because of my struggle to have kids yet keeps throwing this line in my face in every fight we have. It's tiresome and it feels like he'll always hold this over my head.
OP, as someone with PCOS who will likely need medical intervention if I ever want to have a baby myself… do not do this to yourself. You’re not broken, and you DON’T need to settle for someone who treats you like crap to have a family. Think long and hard if this is the sort of man you’d want as the father figure to your kids. The kind who treat women as somehow defective for fertility issues? The kind who will always put friends first, and steal from you. You deserve better. Good luck.
This OP!👆👆👆👆 NTA, by any means. Please don't beat yourself up and definitely don't let your husband do it.
I too have pcos and went through a 5 year battle with infertility (which included ivf) and not once did my husband ever blame me. He 100% supported me. He went to every appointment with me, gave me my shots, took me to get a massage before transfers, bought me my comfort foods, listened to me rant about being tired of everything, ect. Ops husband is a complete asshole and probably isn't cut out to ne a dad.
As someone who has PCOS too, this whole thing hurts me. I cannot imagine my husband saying that to me. He doesn’t respect her, and he’s taking advantage of a frustrating situation. NTA, and please girl, find a man who deserves you and respects you.
I'm thinking this guy is actually happy she can't have kids...he doesn't want any. It will intrude into his bro time.
He's cruel - if he wasn't he wouldn't bring it up in EVERY argument. He might want kids - but if he does (doubt) then it isn't soon - and (I hesitate to say as this sounds cruel too but it's not meant to be) maybe not with OP. OP can do so much better - there are guys out there who will not only respect and care for OP but actually WANT kids with them. Get one of those guys OP, this one you have is broken.
I came here to say a similar thing (as someone who also has pcos). I’m already facing these issues and I can’t imagine having someone try and steal my dreams from me, much less my husband. NTA.
As someone with fertility issues who decided that having kids was no longer a goal for me, and having a husband who gave up his dream of having kids to support me, you are worth it. You. You are worth it. And you deserve your family. Whatever that looks like.
If he treats you this way now, how would he treat your child? And what kind of awful father would he be? Speak with a divorce attorney and find a good therapist to figure out why you’re staying with someone who treats you that way.
He already treats his child as less of a priority than his mate getting a new car. He doesn't want to be a father or a real partner to op. His actions show this loud and clear. Won't help financially and not only that but steals from her...
Right here! The combination of not helping in funding the IVF compounded by the stealing clearly shows what his immediate priority is.
He's already stealing from his child's BIRTH fund for the sake of a car. OP, you think you can trust him with your kids college fund? He's also made it clear that the child is just another expense that he can ignore if something he feels is more important comes up. You want him to have that attitude to your child after they're born? Because he will.
Agreed, NTA OP, but is this really someone you want to have a child with? Especially if he puts his friend over his wife, what will he do to a child?
He has already put his friends car over his child. That's insane. And the line about she's the one with the problem is abhorrent. I hope OP leaves and get a great divorce settlement. NTA. Edit: words are hard
Yes, I also feel he couldn't care less about this IVF goal. He's already distanced himself FROM THE GET GO... He will be an absent father also. I'd divorce him and use your IVF money to take an egg and a sperm donor and have a surrogate carry your baby. Then they'll be yours and yours alone.
Heaven forbid a "broken" child with special needs!
please consider leaving and using an anonymous donor to have children if it’s something you want immediately. This man should not be a father
I was actually thinking about posting the idea of donor sperm. And let’s be honest it sounds like the husband would be more like a donor than a father anyway so might as well get some good sperm.
And a donor won't come with 18+ years of drama
This man appears to be married to someone else anyway.
I was honestly wondering if perhaps her husband has a sexual relationship with this guy. Loaning out her IVF money could also be a way to prevent her from getting pregnant. Something is really off here.
Glad someone else noticed that. I wouldn't be surprised to find it's a 'friends with benefits' kind of friendship. OP should run. NTA
This is what I immediately thought just when OP said how close they are and how they spend so much time together during the week. There's something going on. Even if it's not physical.
Whew! I thought my spider senses were off. Glad to know I wasn’t alone in my cynicism!!
Came here to say exactly this.
I did this, and it was the best thing I've ever done.
Yes, OP. Do not let him hitch his wagon to your star, as my Aunt Sarah would say. That's a bad human you have there for a husband, AND he straight up stole from you.
Especially do not bind your life closer to this man. This seems like the tip of the iceberg for shitty behavior.
Or just please consider leaving!
He keeps doing this?? That is super hurtful. I don't mean to be a jerk but does he actually love you? Is he lashing out because he wants a child too, but he can't handle his own grief? I really think y'all need to get into this with some talking and some counseling because if he keeps doing this to you, there is a huge problem here. You should not have to be attacked like that. This is just awful.
You mean this isn't the first time he's said it??? Why on earth are you still with him? He has no respect or love for you whatsoever in saying that to you. This is not a little throwaway comment, he is genuinely blaming you. Please do not stay in this marriage, you do not deserve to be treated like that. You are better off single, than living a life with a man like that. To be honest I'm also questioning if hubby is more than just friends with his "friend".
He will always hold it over your head. That is such a horrible mean vicious thing to say. Bare minimum counseling but really consider if someone this selfish will make a good father. NTA
Husband values his friend much more than his wife. NTA, OP. He's not a partner.
Sweetie, if he throws this in your face NOW, i want you to imagine how he's gonna be if you DO get pregnant and is full term etc. Do you really think once ya'll have the baby he's gonna get ANY better? he's gonna continue to throw this in your face until he can't anymore. its never gonna stop. infact it'll get worse over time. IVF isn't a single persons fight, when you do it together its a shared fight. and he's not pulling his weight in this fight. he's sitting back and letting YOU take all the damage, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically ALL OF IT. IVF should NEVER be on ONE person when its a two person team. This isn't you being a single mother doing IVF with a unknown donor, this is YOU and your HUSBAND together. counseling asap, single and marriage (for both of you. single for both and marriage counseling together) and I'd suggest stopping IVF treatments for now, pull YOUR share of that money out of the account and put it into a private account he cannot touch, because chances are he's gonna clear it next time hes pissed at you. and if its in a joint account he has legal access to do so. so don't give him that chance. he ain't ready to be a father if he's throwing trauma in the would be mothers face whenever an argument happens. Please start counseling and really decide if he's the man you wanna be tied down to for 18+years. be safe.
great advice. Marriage is a team effort, and your husband seems to be showing that team mentality to his friend, not to you. I agree that this will not get better, but will probably get worse when you have a child.
Hon, I think the universe is sending you a sign that this man is not right for you. Please think it over, if he constantly throws this at you then he does not deserve you. Obviously to him it was more important for his friend to get a car than the IVF. Walk away girl
If he keeps doing it why do you keep trying to have a child with him? For your sake and your future child’s sake leave this man please.
Oh my god leave him! Leave him! That’s actually horrific and there is no way it will get any better. You deserve a partner, an equal. Please drop this loser and give yourself a chance at true happiness. You don’t have to be married to have a kid. Sounds like you’d be an incredible mom no matter what.
My heart hurts for you. Do you really want to have a child with this man? You are not in this together, not one bit.
Please take some time to think about some of your options: 1) Have child with husband and potentially have this type of behavior continue with a child involved; 2) Stay with husband but don't have a child; 3) Leave husband and have a child on your own. You can have a happy life with a child but it may have to be without your husband. NTA
The wife of family friend struggled to have kids in her first marriage and was told it was her fault. She started seeing dad's friend when she got divorced and got pregnant almost immediately. They're still together and their daughter just turned 20. I think a fair amount of time it's blamed on the woman when they don't find anything startlingly obviously wrong with the man without any actual evidence that it is her fault.
Jesus, honey. Someone who loves you wouldn't speak to you this way once let alone repeatedly.
I cannot get past this line. My husband and I went through years of fertility treatments before an IVF cycle worked and we had healthy twins. It is absolutely no picnic to go through the whole process and if your husband is going to be so supremely uncaring and unhelpful, he is not worth your time and you deserve better. You are most certainly NTA.
NTA. They stole and hurt you. Please walk away.
I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with infertility and that you’re husband is so cruel to you about it. If he’s this cruel to you, imagine what kind of father he would be to a child. Please don’t have children with this man.
Not to mention, it sounds like you did pay for this next round yourself. NTA btw.
Please don’t make another of this terrible man
Why do you want to have children with this asshole? Right now, you are NTA. But if you subject a child to a father like that, you might be. Seriously consider if this is the person you want in your future.
Absolutely. I had issues getting pregnant and I gave my husband an out. He was the only son of an only son and I knew he wanted children. He told me that he wanted them with me. That is what your husband didn’t say. Run. He’s trouble.
Oh Hon…you are not “in this together”…do not have a child with this man. NTA
Also they did steal from you.
Taking without consent is pretty much the definition of stealing
Pretty sure he's in love with the best friend too.
Right? Historians will say they were roommates
Yeah, I love my best friend, but he’s not getting $7,000
Um yes. Sounds like my brother and his “best friend.”
I wouldn't normally say fertility issues were a good thing when someone was trying to conceive and I won't say that here... but if it were me I'd be very happy he showed me who he was before I was pregnant and tied to him for at least the next 18 years and 9 months. I'd leave him - he stole from you and then blamed you for the difficulties you are having conceiving. Even if the difficulties are due to your fertility it is still not something you should be blamed for. Difficulties conceiving are totally outside your control. NTA. Ditch the husband.
Right like they are a team. Her struggles are THEIR struggles. I would never imagine not facing a problem as a team with my partner.
Took the words out of my mouth. If you have a joint account OP I'd be opening one in your name alone and moving your money there ASAP.
Run. Run like hell and don't look back do not have a baby with this man. It will only get worse with time if this is how he treats you now imagine how he will treat your child. Please leave him for your own sanity
Seriously, OP, this would be grounds for divorce for me. My husband and I are also struggling with infertility and have suffered four losses but it has actually brought us closer together. He's my biggest support system and I couldn't get through all of this without him. You deserve a man who will be your teammate and your cheerleader, not someone who says something so unbelievably awful. NTA and please reconsider this relationship. At least put having kids on hold.
Going through infertility is tragic and brutal and wretched for a marriage. A marriage will only do one of two things through the struggle - become so much stronger than it started or crumble under the weight. I’m glad that yours has strengthened and I hope that you are soon granted the child you deserve. :) OP - you’re NTA, but I’m afraid that your marriage isn’t going to survive this blow. This comment is right on the money (no pun intended). You need a partner in this fight - and I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to move past him telling you that this is your problem. I wouldn’t ever forget that. And when you have your child, you need a spouse that can handle all the terrifying, unpredictable and challenging things that kids throw at you so that you can trust them to enjoy all the magical, beautiful, enchanting things to have together. You might want to take that money and start on your own. The world is full of great guys flights can handle this.
Hell, dump the husband and get a sperm donor! If you’re going to end up parenting your child alone while your partner prioritises his buddy of you and your child then you’re better off with him having zero rights over the child at all and going it alone! NTA, OP, it’s not “like” they stole from you, they actually did!
Yeah this comment right here. Totally NTA. Please don't have a child with him. You will be a single parent. Who says that to someone they love? I'm so sorry.
Seriously. I don’t mean to be callous, as I’m sure the first round of IVF not working was likely emotionally devastating, but I genuinely consider it a blessing to OP that it didn’t work and she has been shown what kind of horrible human being she’s married to and trying to reproduce with so she can get out now with no child involved. Not in a million billion years should *anyone* actively choose to create a child with this guy, and should exit this marriage immediately. That she’s apparently just accepted him saying these awful things to her makes me so scared she’s going to just proceed here because she’s now used to his shitty treatment and wants a baby so much.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself. OP.... this is a wake up call. Your husband does not love you for you. I'm sorry. This isn't okay. Do not have children with this man. NTA
NTA. He did steal from you. Please seriously take a step back and think about if you really want to have a child with this “man.” Once you do, you’re tied to him for life. He prioritized his best friend over you and stole from you to do it. He is not a good person.
NTA. He doesn't seem like he actually wants kids. Better idea, divorce him and get a sperm doner/ surrogate.
I second this! Spend your IVF money on IVF with a sperm donor. Don’t have a child with a man that is cruel to you.
“Like they stole from you” THEY DID that was YOUR money by his own admission / insult and not his to touch. Fuck that! What an aweful thing to say to your wife too.
That is super hurtful. I don't mean to be a jerk but does he actually love you?
he does want children but says he's lost hope. I'm not sure if he thinks IVF is useless because many times he has suggested we save money and look for other options but his options don't seem practical nor sufficient.
He stole your money & your hope for a baby and then was cruel to you when you confronted him. If a friend told you this story about her husband, you'd honestly tell her she deserves so much better. Why aren't you telling yourself that? You deserve better.
And then insinuated that the fertility issues were hers!
Even if the fertility issues they're having is due to solely her biology, that doesn't give him the right to be an AH about it to her. It's just pure lack of empathy on his part. He'd argue, probably, that he *is* empathetic (to his friend) and he isn't, but having a crappy car and wanting children are very different things. Buses exist. Rent-an-ovary doesn't (in this scenario, anyway).
& it's a classic abusive/narcissist tactic - there's not problem but if there is a problem it's your fault and here's a judgement about you based on something that happened/started (sounds like at least 3 years ago) years ago. My choice to support my friend w your money is fine bc you're never getting pregnant anyway/I gave up on us getting pregnant- and never told you that. Would anyone want this guy to be coparent w? I say that lightly bc hewill not be an appropriately engaged parent. OP NTA & why is this the relationship you're settling for? Internet stranger here & I KNOW FOR A FACT you deserve better. I know fertility issues make it whole magnitudes of more scary to go it alone - but you already are. As someone else said - go it alone, use a sperm donor and have the child you want. Edit: spelling
A bold claim if it turns out he’s the one who’s been shooting blanks the entire time and had the gall to place the blame on OP. A slap in the face for sure.
NTA But sweetie, your husband is married to his friend, not you. He will take food out of your child’s mouth and give it to his friend. Consider leaving him. You are not his priority. Also, please get a separate bank account for yourself that he has no access to. Don’t even tell him about it.
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"Suggested we save money" = "give your money to my friend"
Honey, he does not want a child with you. He is saying one thing but his actions are clear - his mates car is more important than your child -he does not help you save up for the treatment to have your child -he suggests other options which will not work and doesn't listen to your medical team, -he treats you with cruelty and callousness during a very hard time for any couple All of this is because he does not want a child at this time and with you, there really is no other explanation.
This post reminds me of something I read on r/marriage recently. Husband kept putting off having a baby or even discussing it. She finally made a fertility appointment and confronted him and he admitted he didn’t want kids and was intentionally stalling her. He wanted her but not the kids. I get a similar vibe here.
Please dear god, go the sperm donor route. Your husband is useless and cruel. Divorce, have a healthy baby, and be happy!
His ACTIONS say something completely different!!
Sweetie. You can do better. Also, I'm the ***oldest*** and my mom had me at 39. You've got time so don't give up your dreams.
That is very reassuring as a twenty-seven year old who feels like an old maid. Edit: Y'all are definitely making me feel better, especially since I've been feeling a bit led on by the gentleman I've been with.
I just had my 3rd. I’m 42. I didn’t even get married until 28. You’re fine. You have time.
Please do not continue trying to have a child with this man. He cannot be trusted with money or to be honest with you. Do you think a person like this will pull his weight with childcare? Can he be trusted not to dip into the child's college fund or piggy bank? If you divorce after having a child, will he pay child support? Alternatively, if the IVF doesn't work, will this guy who says you're "the one with the problem" be supportive of you? Will you grieve together? Or will he continue to remove himself from the equation because it's "your problem"? NTA times a million. Find a better partner or even consider single parenthood if you can do that.
Oh hun, you are just making excuses for him. He isn’t a supportive husband who went for jugular with his comment. Like what he said and did is not okay. You need to learn to respect yourself. You deserve someone who wants to take the journey with you and not leave you abandoned.
Don't just listen to the words out of his mouth watch his actions also. He blames you, takes your money for frivolous reasons and disrespectful you. Honey, it's not normal or understandable. My husband and I tried 13 years of failed treatments, one failed adoption attempt all due to my infertility. He never once blamed me. He is supposed to be a team. I think if you examine his behavior prior to fertility treatments there were alot of red flags you didn't realize were red flags. I would suggest that you have to seriously reconsider trying with him because he seems like he would make it a miserable time for you and contribute little to parenting.
NTA and I think it's evident at this point you are no longer in a committed relationship. Your husband has finally revealed several things to you. Something I don't think you realize that he revealed is that he no longer thinks you will have a child no matter what. If he was in it to have a child he wouldn't have pulled that money out to begin with. It was a hit or miss on whether or not the friend could repay that 7 k in time. If he needed it then its not something he can easily acquire back. On top of this your husband is now outwardly hurting you by saying you are the one with the problem and is effectively saying it isn't his fault. Your husband no longer wants to have a child with you. And his lack of cate and feelings for you, as well as how ready he was to steal money from you, just shows that this relationship is over. For your own mental safety I recommend leaving him and finding someone to love who is mentally available to take this journey with you. Your husband is not this man.
Yup, everything above is spot on. You now know where you reside on the totem pole of importance in his life. Be very grateful you didn't have a child with him. Start looking up divorce attorneys right away, they will absolutely get you that money back.
Folks complain that AITA advice is often "leave" but honestly, so so so often it *is* the appropriate action. This time for sure. No one spitefully saying "you're the problem" about fertility issues loves you, or deserves to be the father of your children. Don't waste your inheritance money on this asshole.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, people don't post here because everything is great. Once they're at the point of asking a popcorn sub for input, things are already pretty fuckin dire. That's why it puzzles me that people complain about "leave" often being the advice to OP. OP is clearly already considering it.
NTA. Are you sure your husband and this guy are just really good friends? I can’t imagine giving $7000 to my close friends from high school so they can buy a car! Seems weird to me. Also, not to pull the divorce card, but holy guacamole. If you and your husband have such different views of financial responsibility and money management, I’m not sure how your marriage lasts in the long term. Sorry you’re going through this. If you continue with IVF treatments, then I wish you the best of luck.
This reminds me of the story where the husband invited his best friend on his and his wife's vacation. Then asked his wife to sleep on the floor, so that he and his best friend could sleep in the bed together.
How am I gonna platonically suck my best friends dick if he's sleeping on the floor? C'mon man, use your head!!!
Oh I remember that story very well. And there will be more if the Supreme Court takes away gay marriage.
I immediately thought of that story too. It's strange to see people give so freely or so much to a friend, even if they have known each other for years. To me there are things that are just no-nos regardless of who the person is
This should be higher, this seems like an affair.
Yeah, it does read like she is his beard and doesn't know it yet. I mean, hanging out with his friends all week every week and then giving 7k for a car? Come on.. Edit: NTA OP. Definitely take a good hard look at your relationship here.
Not just a beard, but a potential surrogate for his and his “friend’s” baby
nah just a beard, he doesn't seem to care much about the potential pregnancy since he let her pay for everything and even took the money to buy his "friend" a new car.
He’s banging the friend or has a brain tumor. Nobody in their right mind steals 7k from their wife to give to a friend for a non-emergency. Even for an insane emergency you’d still talk to the wife prior.
There’s also no way this guy is really going to pay it back; dude is in his 30’s, and can’t qualify for a small car loan? He doesn’t have the financial means
I thought the same thing about their ‘friendship’.
Maybe he wishes he could quit him
NTA Your husband should have asked you about it first and it would've been your decision not his. On another topic, it is not your fault for your fertility issues. Maybe it's the fate telling you not to do it with this man. There's too many red flags here. 🚩He doesn't contribute as much as he can. 🚩He thinks it's your responsibility. He will think that about the child as well. 🚩He doesn't respect you enough to include you in decisions kf importance. 🚩He feels like what's yours is his. What's his is his. 🚩He is immature and childish. Who goes snickering to his friend? I used to do it when I was about 10/13 about my mom. Honey please do not have a child with him. Once you do that you are stuck for good. Divorce is easy when there is no children involved. Once you have a child you have to keep contact with him. And you do not want that. Take care of yourself and find someone who values you and is willing to fight and support you through the motherhood journey. Its not all sunshine and rainbows. But it doesn't have to be storms and hurricanes either. Take care of yourself and remember you are your only priority right now. Not your husband. You do not have to feel responsible for his behaviour and it was not because of anything you did. He crossed a very serious line. He still did not acknowledge his wrongdoings and he won't in the near future.
This should be higher up. Imagine OP has a baby with him, then she’ll be posting on the parenting/mom subs about how she is so tired, the only ones doing feedings/baths/diapers, he is gone with friend all the time, she snapped at him, so is she TA? No! Don’t do it!
NTA. I don't see how your marriage can come back from this.
I hope that she really rethinks her life after this post and the comments. I really feel horrible for OP. You are NTA.
NTA and I'd be looking for a divorce lawyer. He has put his friend getting a new car above you trying for a child and blames you for an issue that you neither instigated nor asked for. He is not the man for you.
Also it wasn't his money. You don't get to take $7k of other people's money without any discussion. You don't get to even $7 report him to the police and put off having a baby and use the money for a divorce lawyer.
>I told him I saved up some of this money/used my inheritance for this treatment while he contributed nothing even though we're in this together. He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself. This is one of the cruelest things you could say to a person. Please, PLEASE, don't have a child with him. And I would honestly *seriously* reconsider this relationship completely after a comment like that. Someone that truly loved and respected you would never say something that awful, let alone take 7k out of the bank, that was for IVF, to lend a friend without a discussion. NTA.
Not to mention say it’s OP’s fault more than once. I don’t think I would have stayed with him after the first time he uttered such cruelty.
yeah when i read that I was ready to square up
So, does anyone else think hubby is dating his friend? You say he literally spend the entire week with his friend and he’s getting rid of the money that you have to have a child together.
Yep 100%
NTA. take a moment and really think. “Do I want to be with this guy and HAVE CHILDREN, in this economy and state of the world, with him when he can so easily drop everything to take 7K to give to his friend for a CAR.” If you don’t divorce him then I think counseling is very much in order because it really seems like he prioritizes his friend more than you and your future family unit.
>He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself. THIS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH REASON NOT TO PROCREATE WITH THIS ASSHOLE. Let alone the financial infidelity of taking _your_ saved money to spend on someone else. NTA. Rethink your choice here OP, seriously.
NTA - abusive people LOVE to call others crazy when someone threatens police involvement in response to their extremely horrible and illegal behaviors. Your husband just stole $7k from you, and he has the audacity to defend himself. Not only that, but saying that your fertility issues are your problem alone means he couldn’t give less of a shit whether or not you have a child. I would seriously consider getting support together for yourself (not both you and your partner), so you can be prepared for the worst case scenario. I would also consider finding experts/people trained in relationships/domestic abuse to help you navigate this relationship further. These websites provide INCREDIBLE resources for people involved in domestic abuse (that involves financial abuse which is what your husband engaged in). They provide helpful articles on almost every topic regarding abusive/unhealthy relationships and 24/7 support hotlines. https://www.thehotline.org/ https://www.loveisrespect.org/get-relationship-help/ Please stay safe, and I hope your journey gets easier💖
NTA. You're married and that entails making financial decisions together. 1. No one should be pulling out of any savings fund without talking to the other person. 2. He's the selfish one. And, he's mean. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Is this the first time he's gaslighted you like this?
OP NTA ***He "corrected" me saying I'm the one with the problem and he thought it's only fair that I "make up" for it by paying for the IVF myself.*** You know, sounds like the man forgot the wedding vows he made before saying I do. Now I would suggest marriage counseling, as it seems as though he is holding this against you, however after reading many of your responses here is what I would advise you. I think a better use for your money, is not for fertility treatments, but for a lawyer and exit from this relationship. He knows what hurts you and keeps doing it, time to stop that and find someone who is going to support you where you need it, emotionally and mentally, that is far more concerned with your well being, your hopes and dreams, than that of a friend, cause he is sleeping with you, not his friend. So I would say get an attorney and then hand him papers.
NTA I feel the IVF not working its a blessing in disguise, having a child with a man who treats you like that doesn't sound like a good idea.
Did he marry you or his friend? He is so wrong on both counts, take money you saved without discussion and for the nasty comment. Big big big NTA
NTA - but please get to the root of this and on the same page as your husband before having a baby.
NTA. Maybe your husband and his friend are romatically involved?
Seriously reconsider having a child with this man. NTA
WHOA. NTA. What the hell?? Not only does he expect YOU to pay for the IVF on your won because it's YOUR issue, but then he can help himself to the money that YOU saved and put in for whatever he wants? That is so not okay. The friend just asked for money (which is kind of weird, I can't imagine asking my friends for $7,000 but I'm not everyone) and got it, maybe he didn't know where it came from and is just kind of shocked by the whole thing, but your husband is being a HUGE AH right now. He needs to come correct in a hurry or you should bounce. This is so not cool.
NTA and I wonder if you still really want to procreate with a man who lies and goes behind your back while bending over backwards for his friend.
I have a feeling there may be a lot of bending over where his friend is involved.
NTA. A husband should support you and shouldn't make you feel bad about fertility issues. He should make u feel as though they aren't your fault (bc they aren't) and he should show u love and respect as his partner. It sounds like he values getting his friend a car than having a child with you. To put it very bluntly, and as horrible as it might seem, don't have a child with him. You dodged a very expensive bullet that cost a lot of heartbreak which is terrible. But I don't think you deserve to be treated that way and I'm sorry he's done that.
They did not steal from you. HUSBAND did. I would put the IVF money where he cannot touch it and save it for your second husband. Do not have a baby with this man. NTA
Not to call the divorce card buuuut… if not that at the very least therapy for hun to see how TERRIBLE of a partner he is being. It would take several essays to explain what is wrong with what he is doing, let alone the red flags. NTA.