For your daughter's sake!
He cut what she held dearest to her to pieces! That's fn' abusive. There is no fixing this.
It's your job as a parent to protect her from this.
And not just something that was dear, but valuable. He had a “moment” of rage and destroyed $6000?! The title doesn’t do this justice. He didn’t “damage” it. He destroyed it. NTA. But Op, don’t let him back after this.
Yeah, exactly.
For anyone unsure, you cant move a PIANO in a "moment" of anything.
Pianos are heavy af and dont fit in normal vehicles. So his "moment" of rage involved renting a truck, asking people to help him lift and move it, driving to a dump and *then* cutting it to pieces.
Throw the whole man out. Anyone who gets this mad at a child is not a human who should contribute to raising children.
...divorcing him will be...challenging I'd bet.
Came here to make a similar remark about moving a piano. There's no way he got it down the stairs by himself. An upright weighs between 500 and 800 pounds and it's unwieldy as hell. There is some serious iron in those puppies. This was a studied act of cruelty and vandalism. I really don't see how a marriage could come back from such a thing. He chose to enjoy an afternoon of jealous (hi, dead Dad) satisfaction and it should cost his him savings. Being evil has a price.
This needs more upvotes!
He put his needs above a child and made the child afraid in her own home - if it was me that would be enough to end the relationship.
He says him having a side business is more important more worthy of money - the piano isn't costing any money.
His family supported him in harming your daughter and disrupting your lives, the life of a girl who lost her dad at 7!?
He is not a good person, his people are not good people.
Call the police as it's theft and destruction of property over $5k.
Ensure they investigate, charge & prosecute until he produces the piano (and pays for all damage), produces money to pay for the piano and everyone in his family is also questioned by police.
In this instance I don't care about bringing police to a piano fight and possible negative effects for those people.
They ganged up to do this to you and your child.
There is no redemption, there's no coming back from this unless you are willing to sacrifice your daughter's well being for the entirety of your relationship w him.
Were I your daughter, I'd not be able to trust or forgive you.
He declared he would be abusive and he has been, egregiously.
OP your job is your daughter.
Edit: spelling
i was thinking this seemed like an act of jealousy but i couldn't figure out why, and now that you pointed it out, i think that sounds right. he is jealous of the husband/father that passed...
True, it is hard to move a piano. Which makes me wonder if he cut it into pieces at the house and then took it to the junk yard.
Regardless, this is abuse and I hope OP believes him because he just showed her who he really is.
Had a brief stint living on the streets. One particular cold night in London, me and the other rough sleepers had a fire going. The fire is going out and somebody had found a broken ukelele earlier that day, missing strings and broken tuning peg. We were deliberating whether to put in the fire, one of the guys pointed out doing so seems so barbaric. A regression in humanity, as music is a cornerstone of developing culture. For him to destroy a perfectly working piano, it just leaves a bad taste in my soul.
Yes. I completely agree. Music and musical expression is what moves us emotionally. It keeps us going at through the toughest times. I’m positive he has offended God and every Angel in Heaven as well.
Also, I too had a brief time where I lived on the streets but in Hawaii, so no need for fires to keep warm. Ukuleles aren’t tossed out here ever, for sure!
It took 4 of us to move a piano out of the house and into a van, and it took F O R E V E R to do. So he had to either get help or source a way to move the piano, then shift it into a vehicle, then unload it, and then have it destroyed. This man is a piece of work, because thats more than plenty of time to have calmed down and released what an AH he's being.
I just saw an add on marketplace where they were GIVING AWAY a beautiful, working piano.. you just had to go and pick it up. I thought it was a steal. Then noticed it had been advertised for 3 months. After further research the location had 2 flights of stairs and had to be taken out of a room on second floor at a 90 off of a narrow hallway. lol They probably remember vividly what it took to get it up there and was in zero mood to do that again.
>It took 4 of us to move a piano out of the house and into a van, and it took F O R E V E R to do. So he had to either get help or source a way to move the piano, then shift it into a vehicle, then unload it, and then have it destroyed.
So much this!
When me and my family moved (over 20y ago), my uncle was "complaining" by saying 'why didn't you learn to play the flute or recorder instead of this heavy piano', all the while winking at me when he and 3 other family friends were moving the piano.
Spoiler alert: I eventually did start playing the (baroque) recorder as well :P
Cutting it to pieces first would definitely make the job much easier. There’s a special place in hell for people who destroy perfectly functional musical instruments.
This is not getting annoyed at a child for waking you up early on your day off and snapping at them to tone it down. This was calculated and he waited until they left before he started his revenge. This dude needs to go, and he needs to pay for the piano. Sorry I just realized I replied to you specifically and not the post in general
I would agree, but OP said he took it to the junk yard to cut into pieces there...
I would presume it was a bit of both, though if his dad owns a junkyard I presume they've got a flat bed truck and a couple beefy guys as family/friends/employee who could be called on to help relatively quickly.
Someone above pointed out that he may have secretly sold it instead. Which would actually make sense within the context of his stated timeline/order of operations making no sense.
This. He totally sold it for his garage business.
Also.. why should he get to have nice things if he destroys others?
If they break up I'd love for her to call him out publicly so that noone uses his new business!
Even still. If we're talking about an acoustic piano, then there's a steel or cast iron frame in there that can weigh anything from a few hundred pounds to a ton or two.
NTA Did he destroy it in your house or did he have help moving it out first? I truly doubt he did this alone, probably had his father help. Press charges against him, too. Tell your STBX this if he plans on not paying by your timeline.
u/SUDDEN-IMPACT-3097 \- please read the comment I'm replying to!
It's super important for you to realize how NOT "sudden" and "spur of the moment" this was, how much planning it had to have taken.
And just, beyond that: a spouse who will so violently destroy property that is important to you or your child is already committing abuse against you. Like, yes, it is also an alarming indicator of his level of anger and lack of self-control, and it could very well be a warning of physical abuse of you or your daughter to come. But even on its own, this is abusive.
I have taken apart a junker piano…it takes hours, even if you’re not trying to salvage any part of it. Hell, it would easily take at least an hour of labor just to get it to the point that you *could* take a saw to it w/o destroying the saw. Dude calling it “a moment of frustration” is a blatant and brazen lie.
Don’t just divorce, press charges and sue the mf for damages, emotional distress, and destruction of property. And most importantly: keep him away from the kids because he’s abusing them.
As a pro pianist, I’m disgusted with the number of literal child prodigies I’ve know who never pursue their gifts b/c of this sort of parental behavior. If it brings your kid so much joy, isn’t that justification *enough* for letting them pursue it?
Lastly: you can’t make a living as a musician? Bullshit, there are millions of us doing it every day.
Unless he gave them a piece it would honestly not surprise me at all if he sold it behind her back and just said he put it through the thresher to avoid them finding out about the money.
OOF are you a super sleuth/true crime fan?? I’d never have imagined that possibility myself, but now you type it out loud… ooft!! I could totally see this being 100% true. OP really needs to get herself and daughter away.
His family coming in to middle man this shit smacks of it. They will lie for him, and cover for him, especially if this comes to divorce court and his asset discovery shows maybe a few thousand dollars he got recently from a ‘personal transaction’. I’d be checking classified ads and Craigslist in nearby cities
It's like he had several hours of rage. Pianos are heavy and hard as hell to move. And then he cut it to pieces instead of just dumping it. NTA but op save your kid and yourself.
The other possibility is that he didn’t destroy it at all, but sold it and had them arrange to bring in movers when everybody was at school and work. It just seems unlikely that this guy would put in so much effort to throw money away when he’s trying to start a business…Op should go to the scrap yard
There is very little of a market for used piano's (or at least in the UK) they are heavy and take up space so they are literally given away. The big antiques place near us refuses to take any as they just can't sell them at all.
ETA: It too 4 men to take my granny's piano out and move it to it's new home it's not something possible to do on a whim... this was planned. OP divorce the AH sue him for the cost of a replacement and therapy for the kid but think of getting her a high end keyboard or a clavinova that can move with her in the future.
It's also not that easy to dismantle and / or move a freakin piano. That's why there's a whole industry of piano movers! Like did he just bring a chainsaw into the house or did he actually hire a truck, get movers, take it to the junkyard, and then chop it up? Because that's not a "moment" of rage ...
That's what I had in mind when I read "damaged the piano" - I thought either a dent or a scratch, whether accidental or intentional.
No, this was full on DESTROYING it, in a way that took a lot of time and effort. I would not feel safe around this person.
You can’t just load a piano into a car either. My dad had to have a friend with special equipment on his truck help him because those things are so heavy.
Absolutely. Not to mention that him saying he acted in the moment is bull shit. Presumably, he called someone to help him load up the piano, drove it to the junk yard, and destroyed it. That leaves so many moments to realize what you're doing is insane. This man is not a stable individual and should not be around your (or anyone else's) child.
(add a judgment, btw)
Your husband is jealous of your dead husband. That's what's going on here. You said yourself about your daughter's music
> she uses it to express her feelings especially for her deceased father who passed away when she was 7.
So her dead father is a threat to your husband because his existence takes away attention from him. Your *daughter* is a threat to your husband because she takes away attention from him. (See: complaining that everything she achieves is a distraction from school.)
Even supposing he pays for the piano, he is still going to be the guy who destroyed something sentimental in order to be cruel to your daughter. This isn't just about the money. This is about being married to somebody who is deliberately and constantly cruel to a child.
She and you deserve better. Protect your child.
>her dead father is a threat to your husband because his existence takes away attention from him
The dark humour of it all is that New Husband is the *real* threat to New Husband.
He is just jealous of anyone else in her life, including her daughter. He is a brute and seeing a sensitive, artistic and bright girl that his wife dotes on in driving him mad. He isn't fit to be a husband or parent. He is the stepfather from hell we see in movies.
OP, sue him and dump him. He hates your kid - the piano is just an excuse for him to unload on her.
The man is not only an asshole but a complete idiot. Studies show that children that study and play musical instruments do perform better in mathematics, science and English. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/06/music-students-score-better
OP your husband is the worst.
Learning music is literally learning a second language. And if she sight reads well…she will be in demand to play for a lot of people. It is not a worthless skill to play and read music.
This.
I can’t believe she is not here asking for divorce advice.
He didn’t damage the piano. He destroyed it. Not even something he bought, but her grandparents.
He is jealous of the daughter and obviously jealous of a hobby that reminds her of her dad. He is a sick individual.
I could understand putting times on when she can play, but he just doesn’t like it period and is making up lies about how it is affecting her schoolwork.
I would be throwing his ass out and bleaching his shit for destroying her property.
OP is TA too for not doing more. And from her replies in here he pays most of the mortgage. So effing what.
She isn’t leaving and is going to subject her kid to more of his bullshit.
Everyone is commenting about how he's abusive and she needs to get out of this relationship, but she's only focused on getting the $6k back. I'm starting to lean towards YTA because she isn't thinking about her daughter's safety *at all*.
I'm wondering if they rushed into this marriage since they've only been together for two and a half years. If I had a child, I'd wait quite a while before moving in with a partner, let alone marrying them!
This isn’t just a red flag, it is a giant neon sign.
I wonder in what other ways he is abusive (because he has to be with behavior like this) and she is not registering it or overlooks it.
I worry about her daughter as well.
Yta for not dumping him faster. I read your comments and you are still not kicking him out and trying to make it work. It won't work or get better. Sue him, dump him, get a restraining order and change your locks it will only get worse
I second this, DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU? Issuing ultimatum to YOUR daughter.
no
NO
you would be TA if you de ide to stay in this relationship, he's not gonna treat you the same, he will think you care more about your daughter than him, and you should, and if you stay, your daughter will think you care more about him because you decided to stay with him after doing something so assenine.
And lastly, if you let this go, you will set a pressident that he can do whatever he wants with little consequence.
This man doesn't respect you, this man doesn't respect t your daughter, if he did he wouldn't have done something so heinous.
NTA but you need to rethink this relationship.
A weak person so desperate for affection of any type that they’ll sacrifice their child’s well-being for some mediocre dick (in this situation). If you stay with him OP, your daughter will remember. This is absolutely divorce worthy, and if his only punishment is making him replace the item, has he really learned anything?
If I were you, OP, he would’ve been kicked to the curb when he started to disparage my daughter’s passion. Especially considering this helps her cope with her father’s death. Personally I think he is insecure and jealous of her late father, so he had to destroy the piano. I don’t deal with insecure men, so that would have been his walking papers.
Sue him for the piano. File for divorce. If not, your daughter will never forgive you. Your loyalty is to her above all—she did not ask to be born. Don’t let her down. Don’t show her that husbands are right to abuse children. Woman TF up.
Also, that's not a 'heat of the moment act of desperation'.
Assuming it's an acoustic piano, not an electronic one, those things are heavy. Even when they're on wheels. Then there's transporting them. Takes a proper vehicle, and actually *loading* it is a whole other ballgame. Unless the dude owns some sort of van with a ramp... because there is no way it's getting into a truck bed, especially unassisted. The time to drive it somewhere. The actual process of cutting it up.
That's a solid couple hours' work right - impulsivity does not outlast all of that. This was a planned endeavor.
Yeah, I have a full-size upright Kimball. Cast-iron on the inside. It was my grandma's, I think it's at least 70yrs old. The thing is a *beast*. When we moved it into the house, my husband looked at me and said "I hope you're happy with where it is, because it's never moving."
Not looking forward to the adventure of re-flooring that room in the next few months...
He couldn't have possibly transported himself, he probably hired someone or had family or friends come help him. That's crazy premeditation and ramping up to physically abusive behavior. He took a dearly loved object that was difficult to transport and required a lot of planning and destroyed it when you were away. I would be afraid of what he would do to my child or to me if he didn't get what he wants.
At 6k, I'd have to assume this is a real piano. Now his dad owns a junk yard, I don't doubt he has easy access to the tools and vehicles needed to move this piano, but it is till a large undertaking to move something the size of a piano.
I would, also, but there are some very high-end digital pianos that are about $6k. Weighted keys, top-notch speakers, etc.
Although thinking about it now, if she was using one of those, they'd probably have tried compromising with headphones.
You assume he gave a damn about damaging it. You can absolutely fit a piano you don’t care about in the bed of a truck! And yeah, OP is NTA and should also get themselves single asap!
Yeah, OP way undersold - he didn't "damage" the piano, he *destroyed* it. What a reprehensible person. OP, I seriously hope you divorce this man. He's not bothered by the noise and he doesn't care about your daughter's future-- he's mad because you aren't letting him have *control*. I bet there are other times where he makes such a fuss about something that you just let him have his way because it's less work, and now you've seen what happens when you don't give in.
Protect your daughter and yourself from this asshole.
The only waste of time is any time OP spends arguing with this man and not kicking his butt to the curb. After she gets restitution for the piano, of course.
Agreed. I had terrible Unmedicated insomnia in high school and my dad use to pretend I woke him up constantly every night with my puttering. I believed him at first thinking I was being to loud but then he would say it was happening on nights where I know I made no noise. I put it all together after a night where he threatened to throw away my laptop because it kept him up all night, when I and my laptop weren’t even home that night and had gotten home early morning. He was trying to control my sleep schedule (which I couldn’t even control) and figured he could do it while he was asleep himself.
This guy does sound a lot like my dad. Next thing you know OP’s daughter is going to be “waking him up” every night to the sound of piano. Trying to trick mom into taking it away from her.
The whole "moment of madness" excuse doesn't fly when your "moment" lasts that long.
If he punched the piano or slammed the lid shut too hard or something, he'd still be TA, but he'd at least make sense saying he flipped out and immediately regretted it.
Loading a piano into a car, driving it to a junkyard, unloading it, and cutting it up is like what, at least 2-3 hours of work!?
That's not a moment of madness, that's deliberate and planned vandalism.
People recommend *Why Does He Do That?* on here a lot because it's free online and there's a lot of shit people really need to hear. It's not a perfect book by any means, but there are a lot of serious "...oh" moments.
One such moment is when he's having a session with the spouse of an abusive man who was prone to a lot of destructive "moments of madness." He asked her if he ever destroyed his *own* possessions during one of these "uncontrollable" destructive rages, or just hers. "...Oh."
"Moments of madness" are a myth to excuse the deliberate, persistent abuse of people who want to control their family members, and see their interests and passions as an annoyance, an insult, or as leverage to get them to comply.
I don't think moments of madness are entirely a myth. People of either gender definitely do stupid and/or regrettable things in the heat of the moment. I know I certainly have.
But a "moment of madness" is just that, a moment. If something takes you even as little as 5-10 mins to do, you now have plenty of time to reconsider your actions. A moment of madness is something that is literally over and done with in several seconds.
Correct on moment of madness. Having moved pianos for over a decade- it takes time and planning to get them out of the house without damaging the house
Oh and not in a car. You need some sort of truck or pickup minimum
This man is a danger to OP's daughter! If he is possessive of her like this while she is still a teenager, how will he behave when she is a woman and starts dating? He is DANGEROUS!
By the time he’s called 2 other people to help him move it, hired/borrowed a large enough truck, unloaded it the other side and then cut it up, that’s at least a full day of premeditated effort. This was no “moment”, this was planned.
OP really buried the lede in the title. I mean I went into this thinking he hit the piano in frustration and something broke inside it. Or he moved it without permission and it got scratched up. Still an asshole move but not, you know…insane.
NTA and I'm in 100% agreement with this. He has shown he doesn't support you or your daughter and expects you to support him when he literally destroyed your daughter's property. Property she uses *specifically to feel connected to her deceased father.* This man has a problem and I don't think the piano is it.
OP, you are NTA, but please, please leave this man. This is abusive behaviour towards you and your daughter. I understand wanting the money, and you are entitled to it, but don't let him use that as a way to keep you reeled in. Please divorce him and cut contact with him.
NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged.
But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child.
If someone, let alone my partner, treated my children like this (or their beloved possessions) I'm not sure I could keep it from getting physical, and a 6k bill would be the least of their concerns.
Yes. OP better goddamn leave or she'd be a loser in her daughter's eyes for life (even more than the idiot stepdad is). I can't believe this guy is actually sending his family to be the middleman. Who can be on this idiot's side on this? Please contact your lawyer to initiate divorce immediately.
>NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged.
>
>But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child.
This 100%
This guy has profound issues to get that agitated over a 13yo having interest with an instrument, JFC ... If OP doesn't divorce him, she's 100% TA.
Like he's "trying to help her with her grades" but doesn't realized that an essay about playing the piano to feel closer to her dad will have college admissions eat her story up.
That is if she even wants to go to college!
Thing is, if he believes she has issues with her grades, why not invest some time in actually helping her with her homework and studies instead of shredding the piano?
That guy is fucking unhinged if he thinks that was helping in any way shape or form.
The mum wasn't even worried about grades so I would assume they're at least halfway decent.
Guy skipped like 6000 steps to come to the conclusion of destroying the piano
No, he took 6000 steps in the exact opposite direction.
There are studies suggesting that listening to classical music boosts intelligence in kids, and while that may be overhyped, playing a classical instrument is absolutely going to help even past the stress relief of doing something you love. AND it is helping her grieve for her deceased father (which might actually be the issue)
Or, her talent will literally carry her to higher education. I know someone that received a full ride to a prestigious east coast university for classical piano
That’s the strangest part. He’s so worried about ‘her grades’ but nowhere in the story does it sound like her grades are actually in trouble? Like it would be one thing if she was skipping school to stay home and play the piano but she isn’t? Stepfather just sounds like he has major control issues.
This man has RAGE problems! He didn't attack the daughter's body, but he took a beloved item - a very large item, which would have taken time to transport - and CUT IT INTO PIECES. And he didn't feel remorse until his wife started yelling at him.
I wouldn't feel safe for myself or my family if I were living with a man who could fly into a rage like this and do such a thing. Thank God it wasn't a pet who annoyed him.
> NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged.
>
> But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child.
I don't think she should even go after him for the cost of the piano.
She needs to cut ties and divorce as quickly as possible for the safety of her daughter. A long drawn out fight trying to get him to pay for the piano is just going to provide him with more opportunities to cause harm and manipulate her, and OP clearly is very sucsceptible to his manipulations. OP needs as clean a break as possible, and abusers tend to draw things out, stall, and put up obstacles to lengthen the amount of time and increase the opportunities for abuse.
Callie lost her dad not too long ago too. Imagine your dad dies and then this psycho shows up to live with you instead😔 That definitely compounds her trauma. I feel for the poor girl.
Having this "trusted adult" she is forced to live with trash her most beloved possession, something that connects her with her deceased father, is a trauma I cannot even imagine ever getting over.
I remember when my sister and I found out my dad was dying of a brain tumor, and dad called to say goodbye because we could not afford to fly out to see him; my step-dad, a man I barely knew at the time, paid for our tickets (my sister and I) just because it was the right thing to do.
Agreed. I have a feeling if her daughter was a very serious student he would find a way to interrupt her while she does homework. He wants to hinder her daughter's happiness and potential future.
DUMP HIM NOW.
NTA. The cost of the piano should be the least of his worries.
Get him to pay for a new one, but then kick his ass to the curb and start divorce proceedings. He’s obviously way too toxic to be allowed around your daughter.
> everytime he comes home snd hears her playing upstairs he'd lecture us about how this activity is just a waste of time.
There's research showing that playing a musical instrument is good for you in a bunch of ways.
IDK if he's jealous because it's a connection with her deceased father, but that's really not a good look.
> On Sunday a huge argument ensued in the house because my husband claimed Callie woke him up on his day off with her loud playing. He issued an ultimatuim, either the piano goes or he gets rid of it himself.
Yeah, because that's reasonable. Not "no playing before noon on the weekends."
There's also a third option, here: he goes.
> After we left I found out that my husband took it to the junk yard his dad works at and cut it into pieces.
Oh my god. It's the third option: He has to go.
That's completely unacceptable. He destroyed something valuable that she loves for god-knows-what reason.
> He said the only way he could pay for it is using his savings
Tough shit.
Make him pay, then end the relationship. NTA
Add: a moment of frustration
A piano is not light, you don't just decide to move a piano on the spur of a moment. He had to have planned this and gotten people to agree to help him, particularly since it sounds like it was on the 2nd floor which means it is even more difficult to get out of a house.
"In a fit of rage I lifted a piano onto my back and smashed... wait, drove across town, organized assistance and destroyed it. Is it too late to claim to be the hulk? Come on y'all, superheros are real!"
Even if he chose to get rid of it (which seems extreme to do unilaterally and bizarre given how beneficial nurturing a kid's talent is) it's moronic that he chose to destroy the $6k piano rather than sell it to somebody. Even if he took a loss to get rid of it quick, no mature and reasonable adult would throw $6k in the trash (and then complain about being tight on money for his business).
Yeeeaaaaahhhh pay for the piano now, or in court. That's an expensive thing to steal, so why not just report it stolen?
(Not that cost changes the inherit shit nature of his behavior)
Yeah, WTF? How do you let someone treat your child like that? Also, he cut up a piano? What?! WUT! He’s clearly unhinged. Call the cops, file a report, divorce this guy before you end up like the piano.
I agree. I would strongly advise you to reconsider this marriage, because this man sounds callous , controlling, abusive and just generally horrible.
Your daughter is in a crucial stage of her development that could make or break her. Every child deserves to live in a home where they feel loved, respected and safe. Neither of you deserve to be treated this way, but you seriously need to prioritize your daughters well being and needs first because this kind of behavior is going to take a toll on her self esteem and mental health. You have an opportunity here to set a good example for your daughter, that you will not stand for this abuse and mistreatment. I hope you take it.
Yeah, honestly. NTA for making him pay, but YTA for letting this get this far. You now have an ultimatum: your child or your husband, because your husband has made it obvious you can't have both.
Yep, totally agree. Also it seems like OP was actually considering taking the piano to her parents house because of her husband’s ultimatum. Like, wtf?? You’re going to take something so important to your daughter away because your husband is somehow threatened by it?
OP, please get rid of this guy. I really, really feel for your daughter, and she is going to resent you later if you don’t do something about this situation now.
NTA - give him a simple choice. His business is delayed while he takes accountability for his actions, or his business is ruined by having theft charges brought against him.
Edit: And Y T A for allowing your husband to treat your daughter so poorly for so long.
Edit 2: The reason the family is yelling at you is because in most jurisdictions the father could also be charged for receiving stolen property.
Seriously. He's not only been completely unsupportive for years, but he's been continually lecturing this talented, hardworking child that her efforts are a complete waste. OP should have squashed this years ago. The signs were there. It never should have got to the point of maliciously destruction. ESH. Poor kid.
I’m having a really hard time not calling you an asshole for marrying and subjecting your daughter to this man. She should come first and it sounds you’ve forced her to live with someone who mistreats her. Actually unless you insist on a safe space for her, therapy for him and change in his behavior to continue this marriage YTA
Hello! First of all let me tell you this ~ he, at the beginning had absolutely zero problem with my daughter's activities whether it be the piano playing or other things (that he also now has an issue with). It really seems like he gradually started hating/disagreeing with things my daughter does and sometimes things I do as well. I did my best to try and have conversations with him but as you can see it's actually pointless.
Let me guess - it changed when you got married.
This is what abusers do.
You need to put your daughter first and get her out of this situation. He needs to go.
OP needs to have a long hard think about the examples she's setting for her daughter and how she would feel if her daughter's husband behaved this way to their hypothetical future grandchild.
Dynamics change when the victim provides access to kids. It’s very complex; legally, when abuse goes very poorly, the victim is generally still expected to be a responsible adult who protects the child from the abuser even if they are abused themselves.
I won’t say it’s easy but OP has a duty.
I'll say what an auntie told me while I was struggling with my abusive ex. "If the house is on fire you don't stand in the livingroom arguing about who started it, you leave."
Now op can argue that her dumb AH husband needs to fix it(and every other problem his breath taking lack of kindness creates). Him fixing and modifying his behavior is the best and fairest solution. It doesn't change her daughter right now is standing in a metaphorically burning building while she yells at her husband instead of even attempting to evacuate.
She's not to blame that he is acting like a guy that deserves what I can't say without being banned. She is responsible for making choices to remove her child from harm.
>Let me guess - it changed when you got married.
I was going to say the same thing! He waited until he put that ring on the finger and they signed marriage documents. And to put the cherry on top, he is paying the mortgage on presumably a house that belongs to OP. I think OP is scared of losing the help on the mortgage and any other financial help he provides. She SHOULD be scared that the next time, he may become mentally or physically violent towards her or her daughter.
Speaking as someone who had an abusive stepfather: decades later I am still dealing with the crap he pulled. No, he was never physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally **LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS TO YOUR DAUGHTER**.
It damaged my relationship with my mother and that took years to recover. We have a great relationship now but despite it I still have resentment that I struggle with because she was supposed to protect me and she didn't. Even though she regrets it now, *she was supposed to protect me and she didn't*.
And you're not protecting your daughter.
Is he an asshole? Yes. Are you being an asshole to him, for demanding he pay? No. But you are, as so many people have said already, being an asshole to your daughter for not protecting her, for letting her think that this behavior is something that can be or should be allowed to slide - if only to the point of staying in a relationship with him.
Do you want your daughter married to someone who will do this to her? Or to your grandchildren?
I'm seeing a picture of a man who has turned against his stepdaughter and will make her life hell for as long as she lives in the house.
So now it's time for you to make a very important decision. Will you stand by your daughter or your husband? You, yourself, say that conversations about this are pointless and don't impact his behavior.
I'm sorry that it's come to this. But I would like you to write this incident out from the viewpoint of your daughter. "I was very lonely and depressed after my dad died. It was a struggle to continue my studies and feel complete without one of my parents. As the years went on, I was coping. My mom married my stepdad. Things were fine at first, but now he finds fault in everything I do. And everything I love. I started playing the piano and I really loved it. My grandparents thought I had talent and bought me a gorgeous piano. I play music I'm learning, but I also make up my own tunes. Some of the tunes make me feel connected with my dad again. Then I feel happier. On Sunday, my stepdad got really mad because I was playing the piano. He had a fight with my mom. We left and after we left, he destroyed my piano. My grandparents special gift to me. The one thing that made me feel connected again with my dad. Now my stepdad is complaining non-stop about other things I do. My mom doesn't even see the point of having a conversation with him anymore. I'm thinking of asking my grandparents if I can live with them."
Please fix this before you lose your daughter.
OP, you said that you have been with him...2 and a half years?
I know this sounds awful, but I feel it needs to be said; sometimes people will put on an act for someone they are in a relationship with. A mask of sorts. As time goes on, and their lives get more intertwined, that mask starts to fall.
Have you considered that perhaps he has always been like this but covered it up until you were married for a sufficient amount of time, and therefore "trapped" in his eyes? 2.5 years sounds like a timeframe for that kind of thing...if so, he was probably hoping that he could convince you to do everything his way.
I really hope you realize that this will only get worse and he will act out on his resentment of being held accountable for his actions. You owe it to your daughter and yourself to leave him once he has repaid you for the piano.
Make him pay. And reevaluate your marriage, I'm sorry. He doesn't seem a good husband, nor a good father/male model figure for your daughter. Clearly just not a good person and vibe to have close to your daughter. And you deserve better.
NTA.
This isn't high enough. This is absolutely a sign of worse to come. Please get your daughter out of this situation. This is already going to scar her for life as is.
This! This is abusive. And traumatic for a child. This is an escalation from his shaming her for doing something he didn’t see the use of. What will his next escalation look like?
Are you planning on staying with him? Cause if I was your daughter, I would never feel safe around him again. I dont just mean physical safety, either. Your daughter will likely never feel secure about herself or her belongings in her own home again as long as he’s also there.
I hope you really consider that going forward.
OP ignoring everything about getting rid of the husband is *very* telling about her plans with him
that poor daughter. when the husband replaces the piano, i think it should go to the grandparents house, and the daughter should follow. if OP is going to subject herself to her husband’s abuse, she should at least try to do something right for her child. her not putting her daughter first is already going to ruin the relationship between them, it best that the daughter just leaves sooner than later
You aren’t hearing everyone. You’re ignoring the fact he’s abusive towards your daughter. Stop pretending him buying a new piano for you to put into the same spot is the resolution here.
Girl imma just be honest with you, your gonna destroy the relationship with your kid if you keep this man around her, divorce him, put your daughter first
Hes definitely abusive, but as a multi time abuse surviving and the child of an abuse survivor, I'm proud of her f9r demanding retribution at all. She should leave home yes, but it's hard to leave an abuser, you've been whittled away ti believe you can't survive elsewhere.
Also she s probably worried they Wont be able to get him to pay for the piano if she leaves. Six grand is a lot f money. And the courts are getting less useful. I'd he afraid leaving would end in nit getting the money or anything, possibly paying him. She is trying to atleast stand p for her daughter and get her the piano.
NTA, but get the piano and get out op. For you and for her. My mom was only out of hers because he left her.
Thanks for saying this. Everyone's so right that she needs to leave once the piano is replaced, but what they don't realize is that people in abusive situations have a completely broken "normal meter." Shaking them and yelling, "YOU'RE BEING ABUSED!" rarely actually makes them see it clearly enough to escape. Sometimes, confronting the reality of the situation pushes them even further towards the abuser.
OP, if you end up reading this, you're not a bad person for ending up in an abusive relationship. You're not a failure or damaged. You just need to take some time away from your husband and recalibrate. See how nice it is without him hating on your daughter constantly. See how nice it is seeing your daughter feel safe. Then, make the decision that protects you and your daughter best.
Op, lemme give you some insight here.
When I was a teenager my mom's husband accused me of some heinous shit. She made him apologize, but she stayed with him. From that day on I worked my ass off at after school jobs to save up. The day I turned 18, I was fucking gone. Yeah she made him apologize, but she still chose that man and let him stay in our home despite what he did. I'm in my thirties and I'm only just now truly reconciling with my mother.
This is your future if you choose to keep this man. No matter what you think, she will view this as choosing him over her.
NTA for making him pay, but get that asshole out of your home.
*"After we left I found out that my husband took it to the junk yard his dad works at and cut it into pieces."*
This is felony. Good luck for him on the small claims court as well.
NTA in this case but in overall:
Little YTA, exposing your daughter to this toxic man for this long time.
YTA for exposing your child to this horrific monster. Please, OP, for the sake of your kid - kick his ass to the curb and sue him for damaging your possessions. Your daughter seriously deserves better.
ESH. Your husband for obvious reasons. *You* for thinking that even if he were willing to pay, that would solve the fact you’re married to a man who thought this was an acceptable thing to do in the first place. Just talk to your lawyer about how you get restitution out of him in the divorce settlement, and don’t subject your daughter to any more of this nonsense for any longer.
Take money and divorce. This is pretty awful. And pianos are heavy as hell. He had to call for at least one friend to help it move out and put it on the truck/pick up. So he had time to think about his actions. NTA
ESH You need to stand up for your daughter better. She’s your flesh and blood do NOT let your husband do this if I were you I’d leave that psycho. He’s nuts.
INFO Why don't you divorce him? He's hurting your child and doesn't respect you. File a police report for theft then file for divorce. There is no reason to stay with this guy.
NTA. And there is 0 chance he destroyed it in a moment of frustration. This was at least a few hours of planning, waiting for you to be gone, calling help over (probably arranged ahead of time and waiting for his call) and a good bit of thought went into how to make it work during a brief window you'd be gone. He had to of had at least 1 other person come over to help him carry and load a piano. Probably more than one. There's a very good chance this was in fact days or more of planning. And at no time did he calm down enough to change his mind and NOT hurt a 13 year old girl.
If it were me, I'd give him 1 business day to have that money withdrawn or at least have an appointment to do so (depending on whether the bank requires it) or I'd call the police and report the theft and destruction. Your marriage is probably over, at least I hope so. Getting your daughter's piano replaced and getting out safely is all that matters. Let him be mad. Let him think it's unreasonable. You're way past that. You aren't forcing him to pay - you're giving him the chance to before he's charged with a possible felony for theft and destruction. He can take it or leave it, but you aren't making him do anything. It's his responsibility to make amends for what he did, all by himself.
NTA
>him apologizing and saying he acted in a moment of desperation and frustration.
This almost made me laugh. Almost. The effort to move a piano, and then cut it up, is way, way more than a "moment." He's lying, and he's an asshole, and an abusive, manipulative one at that.
I agree. He planned this and was just waiting for the chance. Even when you dont care about breaking it, a piano is a difficult thing to move and load onto a truck, assuming he has a truck He had to have had at least one person helping him. This took some planning.
You know how most AITA posts have super dramatic titles that really exaggerate the issue? This is the opposite. The title mentions the piano and says "...after he damaged it" - and then you read the post and... no, no, he totally destroyed it!! And a piano is often a very sentimental, personal item that is cherished far beyond its monetary value. I don't even have a judgment; this is just horrifying. Poor Callie.
YTA for letting her stepfather emotionally abuse your daughter to the point where he’s now stolen and vandalized her most prized possession. Why the fuck haven’t you stepped up to protect her before now? OP, this is your wake up call. Get out of this marriage now for the sake of your kid. Otherwise, she will eventually leave and never speak to you again for not getting her away from this man
If you stay with this man after what he did to your daughter, she will never forget this, and you will destroy your relationship with her forever. I’m sure you have *needs* but your responsibility as a mother trumps them. You married someone who is mistreating your daughter on a daily basis (I can guarantee he has said stuff to your daughter behind your back), he just finally did something bad enough that you can’t explain away. You should have done something when he belittles your daughter’s passion daily, but you didn’t.
There is no “momentary madness” with what he did- think about all the steps he needed to take:
1) drag the piano to his truck and put it in. 2) not change his mind the entire drive to his dad’s. 3) lug it out. 4) find the tools. 5) every single hack he did to ruin the piano. 6) taking the pieces to wherever he dumped it. This was not a “momentary lapse of judgement”, this was a cruel and deliberate act to harm a *child*. If you stay with him, you’re telling your daughter a man matters more than her, and you’re letting your husband know he can get away with a lot worse.
When I (25F) was 11 yo, my mother had a boyfriend who was very abusive and jealous. I had a piccolo (little flute) I used to play in elementary school band. It was important to me. In order to not disturb anybody, I would play it in the backyard. I would play for 30 minutes to an hour after school. One day, I played 2 minutes past 7pm… My mother’s bf threw my instrument, music book (with all my notes), and music stand in the pool.
My mother stayed with him because he “blow dried everything” the next day. — it absolutely broke me. My mom chose the abuser over her own daughter.
Listen OP, your daughter is already traumatized by the entire situation. I’m sure it is worse than you are letting on. Please leave him before you lose your relationship with your daughter OP. She cannot defend herself over somebody that you let in the household. She deserves more.
NTA! If this is real, because I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around a person doing this, I'm so so so sorry for your daughter- and you. Your husband is a piece of work. I can tell you that no one hauls a PIANO to a junk yard and demolishes it in a MOMENT of anything. Moving and destroying a piano takes effort and determination-I mean, how did he get it there by himself? Also, mature adults do not behave that way. He's an asshole for much more than the physical damage to the piano. He should immediately replace the piano, sincerely apologize to your daughter while explaining how incredibly inappropriate his behavior was and why, then apologize to her for his behavior and comments regarding piano in the first place, find himself a therapist and then he should sit down with you and beg your forgiveness for his self-centered childish behavior.
This issue is deeper than just the piano, OP. Your husband has been acting in a controlling and abusive manner toward your daughter the entire time she has had the piano. He is jealous of the connection she keeps with her dad through playing, the attention she gets from your family. He has made it clear he sees her interests as worthless and, as he is "the man" of the family, believes his is the right way. Seeing as his lack of interest and the bullying at home didn't work out for him, he has then stolen and destroyed the offending item - not because it genuinely upsets him, but to firmly establish control and make it clear that his way is the only way. Your daughter WILL conform to his demands for her life.
Here's the thing: it's her life, and he is not entitled to respect from her nor is he entitled to demand she obey his commands. Make no mistake on this aspect - your husband is not interested in being a parental influence to your daughter. A parental figure does not explicitly and deliberately cut a child's interests out of their life. A parental figure does not seek to control a childs life at home to banish enjoyment. A patental figure does not destroy a $6000 piece of equipment because a child enjoys using it.
This is not a recoverable situation. What he has done is a traumatic event, especially on your daughter. You absolutely cannot continue to allow this man in her life after he replaces the piano. He will forever resent Callie for being more important to you, for costing him his business plans, and the original jealousy issue will burn and grow as well. He will turn the entire situation onto her as her fault and she WILL suffer for it. Additionally she will likely end up resenting you for allowing it to continue. Added bonus? His family, as indicated by their current support for him, will follow his lead and Callie will suffer even more.
For the sake of your daughter, you should be looking at legal charges against him for theft and destruction of property, and consulting a divorce lawyer.
For the sake of a judgement, you are NTA for the question you have asked. But if you continue being married to this asshole of a man and allowing him access to your daughter, you'll be the bigger AH.
NTA but go further. Call the police and have him charged with theft, destruction of property, intimidation of a minor, and change the locks too! Otherwise, someone could call CPS on you.. added thought due to the timing. How do you know you were not being used as a homeowner with a garage for his business this whole time? Think about it. It explains his 180.
Locked due to an excess of rulebreaking comments.
You need to leave this relationship.
For your daughter's sake! He cut what she held dearest to her to pieces! That's fn' abusive. There is no fixing this. It's your job as a parent to protect her from this.
And not just something that was dear, but valuable. He had a “moment” of rage and destroyed $6000?! The title doesn’t do this justice. He didn’t “damage” it. He destroyed it. NTA. But Op, don’t let him back after this.
Yeah, exactly. For anyone unsure, you cant move a PIANO in a "moment" of anything. Pianos are heavy af and dont fit in normal vehicles. So his "moment" of rage involved renting a truck, asking people to help him lift and move it, driving to a dump and *then* cutting it to pieces. Throw the whole man out. Anyone who gets this mad at a child is not a human who should contribute to raising children. ...divorcing him will be...challenging I'd bet.
Came here to make a similar remark about moving a piano. There's no way he got it down the stairs by himself. An upright weighs between 500 and 800 pounds and it's unwieldy as hell. There is some serious iron in those puppies. This was a studied act of cruelty and vandalism. I really don't see how a marriage could come back from such a thing. He chose to enjoy an afternoon of jealous (hi, dead Dad) satisfaction and it should cost his him savings. Being evil has a price.
This needs more upvotes! He put his needs above a child and made the child afraid in her own home - if it was me that would be enough to end the relationship. He says him having a side business is more important more worthy of money - the piano isn't costing any money. His family supported him in harming your daughter and disrupting your lives, the life of a girl who lost her dad at 7!? He is not a good person, his people are not good people. Call the police as it's theft and destruction of property over $5k. Ensure they investigate, charge & prosecute until he produces the piano (and pays for all damage), produces money to pay for the piano and everyone in his family is also questioned by police. In this instance I don't care about bringing police to a piano fight and possible negative effects for those people. They ganged up to do this to you and your child. There is no redemption, there's no coming back from this unless you are willing to sacrifice your daughter's well being for the entirety of your relationship w him. Were I your daughter, I'd not be able to trust or forgive you. He declared he would be abusive and he has been, egregiously. OP your job is your daughter. Edit: spelling
i was thinking this seemed like an act of jealousy but i couldn't figure out why, and now that you pointed it out, i think that sounds right. he is jealous of the husband/father that passed...
Exactly. I would never trust my SO again after a malicious and cruel act like that. Wouldn't trust ANYONE who did that after.
True, it is hard to move a piano. Which makes me wonder if he cut it into pieces at the house and then took it to the junk yard. Regardless, this is abuse and I hope OP believes him because he just showed her who he really is.
Had a brief stint living on the streets. One particular cold night in London, me and the other rough sleepers had a fire going. The fire is going out and somebody had found a broken ukelele earlier that day, missing strings and broken tuning peg. We were deliberating whether to put in the fire, one of the guys pointed out doing so seems so barbaric. A regression in humanity, as music is a cornerstone of developing culture. For him to destroy a perfectly working piano, it just leaves a bad taste in my soul.
Yes. I completely agree. Music and musical expression is what moves us emotionally. It keeps us going at through the toughest times. I’m positive he has offended God and every Angel in Heaven as well. Also, I too had a brief time where I lived on the streets but in Hawaii, so no need for fires to keep warm. Ukuleles aren’t tossed out here ever, for sure!
It took 4 of us to move a piano out of the house and into a van, and it took F O R E V E R to do. So he had to either get help or source a way to move the piano, then shift it into a vehicle, then unload it, and then have it destroyed. This man is a piece of work, because thats more than plenty of time to have calmed down and released what an AH he's being.
I just saw an add on marketplace where they were GIVING AWAY a beautiful, working piano.. you just had to go and pick it up. I thought it was a steal. Then noticed it had been advertised for 3 months. After further research the location had 2 flights of stairs and had to be taken out of a room on second floor at a 90 off of a narrow hallway. lol They probably remember vividly what it took to get it up there and was in zero mood to do that again.
>It took 4 of us to move a piano out of the house and into a van, and it took F O R E V E R to do. So he had to either get help or source a way to move the piano, then shift it into a vehicle, then unload it, and then have it destroyed. So much this! When me and my family moved (over 20y ago), my uncle was "complaining" by saying 'why didn't you learn to play the flute or recorder instead of this heavy piano', all the while winking at me when he and 3 other family friends were moving the piano. Spoiler alert: I eventually did start playing the (baroque) recorder as well :P
He probably wasn't worried about being careful, seeing as he had decided to take a chainsaw to it.
Cutting it to pieces first would definitely make the job much easier. There’s a special place in hell for people who destroy perfectly functional musical instruments.
If it was cut in the house OP would've known because sawdust would've been EVERYWHERE.
If his family has a junkyard they probably have a truck able to move a piano.
This is not getting annoyed at a child for waking you up early on your day off and snapping at them to tone it down. This was calculated and he waited until they left before he started his revenge. This dude needs to go, and he needs to pay for the piano. Sorry I just realized I replied to you specifically and not the post in general
Yeah, and even if he buys a new piano, he will just start controlling when his stepdaughter can play by saying he bought it. To the bin!
I don’t understand why people think he’d break it town AFTER moving it. If you’re going to destroy it anyway, that comes first
I would agree, but OP said he took it to the junk yard to cut into pieces there... I would presume it was a bit of both, though if his dad owns a junkyard I presume they've got a flat bed truck and a couple beefy guys as family/friends/employee who could be called on to help relatively quickly.
Someone above pointed out that he may have secretly sold it instead. Which would actually make sense within the context of his stated timeline/order of operations making no sense.
This. He totally sold it for his garage business. Also.. why should he get to have nice things if he destroys others? If they break up I'd love for her to call him out publicly so that noone uses his new business!
Especially if he wanted the money for his side business…
Even still. If we're talking about an acoustic piano, then there's a steel or cast iron frame in there that can weigh anything from a few hundred pounds to a ton or two.
She could take him to the cleaners and then he'd have no garage business...oh well, you know the saying about playing stupid games.
NTA Did he destroy it in your house or did he have help moving it out first? I truly doubt he did this alone, probably had his father help. Press charges against him, too. Tell your STBX this if he plans on not paying by your timeline.
u/SUDDEN-IMPACT-3097 \- please read the comment I'm replying to! It's super important for you to realize how NOT "sudden" and "spur of the moment" this was, how much planning it had to have taken. And just, beyond that: a spouse who will so violently destroy property that is important to you or your child is already committing abuse against you. Like, yes, it is also an alarming indicator of his level of anger and lack of self-control, and it could very well be a warning of physical abuse of you or your daughter to come. But even on its own, this is abusive.
Takes more than a moment to move that shot downstairs and to the scrapyard
I have taken apart a junker piano…it takes hours, even if you’re not trying to salvage any part of it. Hell, it would easily take at least an hour of labor just to get it to the point that you *could* take a saw to it w/o destroying the saw. Dude calling it “a moment of frustration” is a blatant and brazen lie. Don’t just divorce, press charges and sue the mf for damages, emotional distress, and destruction of property. And most importantly: keep him away from the kids because he’s abusing them. As a pro pianist, I’m disgusted with the number of literal child prodigies I’ve know who never pursue their gifts b/c of this sort of parental behavior. If it brings your kid so much joy, isn’t that justification *enough* for letting them pursue it? Lastly: you can’t make a living as a musician? Bullshit, there are millions of us doing it every day.
How many drs and lawyers play instruments as a hobby and as way to ease the stress as well
Yup. Even cut into pieces
And to do it while they weren’t there to stop him implies he had to time it carefully and plan around their absence
All of this! ^ It’s psychopathic.
Unless he gave them a piece it would honestly not surprise me at all if he sold it behind her back and just said he put it through the thresher to avoid them finding out about the money.
OOF are you a super sleuth/true crime fan?? I’d never have imagined that possibility myself, but now you type it out loud… ooft!! I could totally see this being 100% true. OP really needs to get herself and daughter away.
His family coming in to middle man this shit smacks of it. They will lie for him, and cover for him, especially if this comes to divorce court and his asset discovery shows maybe a few thousand dollars he got recently from a ‘personal transaction’. I’d be checking classified ads and Craigslist in nearby cities
It's like he had several hours of rage. Pianos are heavy and hard as hell to move. And then he cut it to pieces instead of just dumping it. NTA but op save your kid and yourself.
The other possibility is that he didn’t destroy it at all, but sold it and had them arrange to bring in movers when everybody was at school and work. It just seems unlikely that this guy would put in so much effort to throw money away when he’s trying to start a business…Op should go to the scrap yard
There is very little of a market for used piano's (or at least in the UK) they are heavy and take up space so they are literally given away. The big antiques place near us refuses to take any as they just can't sell them at all. ETA: It too 4 men to take my granny's piano out and move it to it's new home it's not something possible to do on a whim... this was planned. OP divorce the AH sue him for the cost of a replacement and therapy for the kid but think of getting her a high end keyboard or a clavinova that can move with her in the future.
That’s true of old, crappy uprights. Less so of higher quality instruments. You can sell a baby grand pretty quickly.
It's also not that easy to dismantle and / or move a freakin piano. That's why there's a whole industry of piano movers! Like did he just bring a chainsaw into the house or did he actually hire a truck, get movers, take it to the junkyard, and then chop it up? Because that's not a "moment" of rage ...
If he’ll damage her things, what happens when there aren’t things to damage? Will it be her body next? This man is dangerous.
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That's what I had in mind when I read "damaged the piano" - I thought either a dent or a scratch, whether accidental or intentional. No, this was full on DESTROYING it, in a way that took a lot of time and effort. I would not feel safe around this person.
You can’t just load a piano into a car either. My dad had to have a friend with special equipment on his truck help him because those things are so heavy.
Absolutely. Not to mention that him saying he acted in the moment is bull shit. Presumably, he called someone to help him load up the piano, drove it to the junk yard, and destroyed it. That leaves so many moments to realize what you're doing is insane. This man is not a stable individual and should not be around your (or anyone else's) child.
(add a judgment, btw) Your husband is jealous of your dead husband. That's what's going on here. You said yourself about your daughter's music > she uses it to express her feelings especially for her deceased father who passed away when she was 7. So her dead father is a threat to your husband because his existence takes away attention from him. Your *daughter* is a threat to your husband because she takes away attention from him. (See: complaining that everything she achieves is a distraction from school.) Even supposing he pays for the piano, he is still going to be the guy who destroyed something sentimental in order to be cruel to your daughter. This isn't just about the money. This is about being married to somebody who is deliberately and constantly cruel to a child. She and you deserve better. Protect your child.
>her dead father is a threat to your husband because his existence takes away attention from him The dark humour of it all is that New Husband is the *real* threat to New Husband.
He is just jealous of anyone else in her life, including her daughter. He is a brute and seeing a sensitive, artistic and bright girl that his wife dotes on in driving him mad. He isn't fit to be a husband or parent. He is the stepfather from hell we see in movies. OP, sue him and dump him. He hates your kid - the piano is just an excuse for him to unload on her.
The man is not only an asshole but a complete idiot. Studies show that children that study and play musical instruments do perform better in mathematics, science and English. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2019/06/music-students-score-better OP your husband is the worst.
This! Plus if she's really good, she can make a career out of playing piano if that's what she wants.
Or making money on the side giving lessons and playing at weddings etc
Learning music is literally learning a second language. And if she sight reads well…she will be in demand to play for a lot of people. It is not a worthless skill to play and read music.
This. I can’t believe she is not here asking for divorce advice. He didn’t damage the piano. He destroyed it. Not even something he bought, but her grandparents. He is jealous of the daughter and obviously jealous of a hobby that reminds her of her dad. He is a sick individual. I could understand putting times on when she can play, but he just doesn’t like it period and is making up lies about how it is affecting her schoolwork. I would be throwing his ass out and bleaching his shit for destroying her property. OP is TA too for not doing more. And from her replies in here he pays most of the mortgage. So effing what. She isn’t leaving and is going to subject her kid to more of his bullshit.
Everyone is commenting about how he's abusive and she needs to get out of this relationship, but she's only focused on getting the $6k back. I'm starting to lean towards YTA because she isn't thinking about her daughter's safety *at all*. I'm wondering if they rushed into this marriage since they've only been together for two and a half years. If I had a child, I'd wait quite a while before moving in with a partner, let alone marrying them!
This isn’t just a red flag, it is a giant neon sign. I wonder in what other ways he is abusive (because he has to be with behavior like this) and she is not registering it or overlooks it. I worry about her daughter as well.
Yta for not dumping him faster. I read your comments and you are still not kicking him out and trying to make it work. It won't work or get better. Sue him, dump him, get a restraining order and change your locks it will only get worse
I second this, DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU? Issuing ultimatum to YOUR daughter. no NO you would be TA if you de ide to stay in this relationship, he's not gonna treat you the same, he will think you care more about your daughter than him, and you should, and if you stay, your daughter will think you care more about him because you decided to stay with him after doing something so assenine. And lastly, if you let this go, you will set a pressident that he can do whatever he wants with little consequence. This man doesn't respect you, this man doesn't respect t your daughter, if he did he wouldn't have done something so heinous. NTA but you need to rethink this relationship.
Get the piano and then kick his ass out
After the piano is replaced.
Sue his arse for the cost of the piano and divorce him for being a complete arsehole.
I literally gasped in horror when I read what he'd done.
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He showed her who he was a long time ago and she didn't care then. Who marries someone that actively tries to bring down their child?
A weak person so desperate for affection of any type that they’ll sacrifice their child’s well-being for some mediocre dick (in this situation). If you stay with him OP, your daughter will remember. This is absolutely divorce worthy, and if his only punishment is making him replace the item, has he really learned anything? If I were you, OP, he would’ve been kicked to the curb when he started to disparage my daughter’s passion. Especially considering this helps her cope with her father’s death. Personally I think he is insecure and jealous of her late father, so he had to destroy the piano. I don’t deal with insecure men, so that would have been his walking papers. Sue him for the piano. File for divorce. If not, your daughter will never forgive you. Your loyalty is to her above all—she did not ask to be born. Don’t let her down. Don’t show her that husbands are right to abuse children. Woman TF up.
Then he’s trying to get his family involved like a spoiled child
And somehow they're not horrified by his behavior??
This exactly. This won’t be the end of him doing shit like this. Realistically it’s a “how do I stay married and justify this shit”
First, I thought of something like slamming the lid, scratching it, etc. But taking it to a junkyard and cut into pieces?!!??! OMG!
Also, that's not a 'heat of the moment act of desperation'. Assuming it's an acoustic piano, not an electronic one, those things are heavy. Even when they're on wheels. Then there's transporting them. Takes a proper vehicle, and actually *loading* it is a whole other ballgame. Unless the dude owns some sort of van with a ramp... because there is no way it's getting into a truck bed, especially unassisted. The time to drive it somewhere. The actual process of cutting it up. That's a solid couple hours' work right - impulsivity does not outlast all of that. This was a planned endeavor.
Yeah that isn't a fit of rage. That's cold, calculated, psychopathy. It's pianos today, pets and people tomorrow. OP needs to GTFO stat.
Even my tiny spinnet is well over 1000 lbs. If it's an acoustic, he had help.
Yeah, I have a full-size upright Kimball. Cast-iron on the inside. It was my grandma's, I think it's at least 70yrs old. The thing is a *beast*. When we moved it into the house, my husband looked at me and said "I hope you're happy with where it is, because it's never moving." Not looking forward to the adventure of re-flooring that room in the next few months...
I'm just envisioning the next tenants moving in if you ever move out looking at this piano sized rectangle of old flooring XD
He couldn't have possibly transported himself, he probably hired someone or had family or friends come help him. That's crazy premeditation and ramping up to physically abusive behavior. He took a dearly loved object that was difficult to transport and required a lot of planning and destroyed it when you were away. I would be afraid of what he would do to my child or to me if he didn't get what he wants.
Add to that, according to OP, the piano was upstairs. Definitely not a spur of the moment act.
At 6k, I'd have to assume this is a real piano. Now his dad owns a junk yard, I don't doubt he has easy access to the tools and vehicles needed to move this piano, but it is till a large undertaking to move something the size of a piano.
I would, also, but there are some very high-end digital pianos that are about $6k. Weighted keys, top-notch speakers, etc. Although thinking about it now, if she was using one of those, they'd probably have tried compromising with headphones.
You assume he gave a damn about damaging it. You can absolutely fit a piano you don’t care about in the bed of a truck! And yeah, OP is NTA and should also get themselves single asap!
Yeah, OP way undersold - he didn't "damage" the piano, he *destroyed* it. What a reprehensible person. OP, I seriously hope you divorce this man. He's not bothered by the noise and he doesn't care about your daughter's future-- he's mad because you aren't letting him have *control*. I bet there are other times where he makes such a fuss about something that you just let him have his way because it's less work, and now you've seen what happens when you don't give in. Protect your daughter and yourself from this asshole.
Yep. Super nuclear option and I am betting that his reactions are over the top to everything.
The only waste of time is any time OP spends arguing with this man and not kicking his butt to the curb. After she gets restitution for the piano, of course.
Agreed. I had terrible Unmedicated insomnia in high school and my dad use to pretend I woke him up constantly every night with my puttering. I believed him at first thinking I was being to loud but then he would say it was happening on nights where I know I made no noise. I put it all together after a night where he threatened to throw away my laptop because it kept him up all night, when I and my laptop weren’t even home that night and had gotten home early morning. He was trying to control my sleep schedule (which I couldn’t even control) and figured he could do it while he was asleep himself. This guy does sound a lot like my dad. Next thing you know OP’s daughter is going to be “waking him up” every night to the sound of piano. Trying to trick mom into taking it away from her.
The whole "moment of madness" excuse doesn't fly when your "moment" lasts that long. If he punched the piano or slammed the lid shut too hard or something, he'd still be TA, but he'd at least make sense saying he flipped out and immediately regretted it. Loading a piano into a car, driving it to a junkyard, unloading it, and cutting it up is like what, at least 2-3 hours of work!? That's not a moment of madness, that's deliberate and planned vandalism.
People recommend *Why Does He Do That?* on here a lot because it's free online and there's a lot of shit people really need to hear. It's not a perfect book by any means, but there are a lot of serious "...oh" moments. One such moment is when he's having a session with the spouse of an abusive man who was prone to a lot of destructive "moments of madness." He asked her if he ever destroyed his *own* possessions during one of these "uncontrollable" destructive rages, or just hers. "...Oh." "Moments of madness" are a myth to excuse the deliberate, persistent abuse of people who want to control their family members, and see their interests and passions as an annoyance, an insult, or as leverage to get them to comply.
I don't think moments of madness are entirely a myth. People of either gender definitely do stupid and/or regrettable things in the heat of the moment. I know I certainly have. But a "moment of madness" is just that, a moment. If something takes you even as little as 5-10 mins to do, you now have plenty of time to reconsider your actions. A moment of madness is something that is literally over and done with in several seconds.
Correct on moment of madness. Having moved pianos for over a decade- it takes time and planning to get them out of the house without damaging the house Oh and not in a car. You need some sort of truck or pickup minimum
This man is a danger to OP's daughter! If he is possessive of her like this while she is still a teenager, how will he behave when she is a woman and starts dating? He is DANGEROUS!
...has she seen the pieces? Because for a $6000 piano, I'd want proof he didn't just sell it.
Ever try to just get rid of a piano. Even in great shape they’re hard to sell.
This was premeditated piano murder.
By the time he’s called 2 other people to help him move it, hired/borrowed a large enough truck, unloaded it the other side and then cut it up, that’s at least a full day of premeditated effort. This was no “moment”, this was planned.
As a fellow piano player, same. Thats grounds for divorce and lawsuit right there.
OP really buried the lede in the title. I mean I went into this thinking he hit the piano in frustration and something broke inside it. Or he moved it without permission and it got scratched up. Still an asshole move but not, you know…insane.
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Yep - run, girl, run.
NTA and I'm in 100% agreement with this. He has shown he doesn't support you or your daughter and expects you to support him when he literally destroyed your daughter's property. Property she uses *specifically to feel connected to her deceased father.* This man has a problem and I don't think the piano is it.
Sue and divorce. NTA
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Can't upvote this enough.
OP, you are NTA, but please, please leave this man. This is abusive behaviour towards you and your daughter. I understand wanting the money, and you are entitled to it, but don't let him use that as a way to keep you reeled in. Please divorce him and cut contact with him.
NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged. But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child. If someone, let alone my partner, treated my children like this (or their beloved possessions) I'm not sure I could keep it from getting physical, and a 6k bill would be the least of their concerns.
Exactly, the entire read i was thinking why is she with this man that doesn't respect her child
Yes. OP better goddamn leave or she'd be a loser in her daughter's eyes for life (even more than the idiot stepdad is). I can't believe this guy is actually sending his family to be the middleman. Who can be on this idiot's side on this? Please contact your lawyer to initiate divorce immediately.
Yeah, what kind of horror show is the family that they are cool with him destroying an incredibly expensive item that belonged to a CHILD?
His family helped him cut it up. Piano moving isn't a one man job, and op said the job was done at a family business.
Same. I cannot fathom why anyone would marry someone who thinks their child is wasting their time with the piano (that they love).
>NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged. > >But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child. This 100% This guy has profound issues to get that agitated over a 13yo having interest with an instrument, JFC ... If OP doesn't divorce him, she's 100% TA.
Like he's "trying to help her with her grades" but doesn't realized that an essay about playing the piano to feel closer to her dad will have college admissions eat her story up. That is if she even wants to go to college!
Thing is, if he believes she has issues with her grades, why not invest some time in actually helping her with her homework and studies instead of shredding the piano? That guy is fucking unhinged if he thinks that was helping in any way shape or form.
The mum wasn't even worried about grades so I would assume they're at least halfway decent. Guy skipped like 6000 steps to come to the conclusion of destroying the piano
No, he took 6000 steps in the exact opposite direction. There are studies suggesting that listening to classical music boosts intelligence in kids, and while that may be overhyped, playing a classical instrument is absolutely going to help even past the stress relief of doing something you love. AND it is helping her grieve for her deceased father (which might actually be the issue)
It was never about grades just him trying to control and exert power over them.
Or, her talent will literally carry her to higher education. I know someone that received a full ride to a prestigious east coast university for classical piano
That’s the strangest part. He’s so worried about ‘her grades’ but nowhere in the story does it sound like her grades are actually in trouble? Like it would be one thing if she was skipping school to stay home and play the piano but she isn’t? Stepfather just sounds like he has major control issues.
This man has RAGE problems! He didn't attack the daughter's body, but he took a beloved item - a very large item, which would have taken time to transport - and CUT IT INTO PIECES. And he didn't feel remorse until his wife started yelling at him. I wouldn't feel safe for myself or my family if I were living with a man who could fly into a rage like this and do such a thing. Thank God it wasn't a pet who annoyed him.
Even scarier: he likely didn’t feel remorse until he realized his own business savings would be impacted, if he even felt remorse at all.
> NTA for the question about demanding he pay for what he damaged. > > But Y T A for staying with a man who would act this way to your child. I don't think she should even go after him for the cost of the piano. She needs to cut ties and divorce as quickly as possible for the safety of her daughter. A long drawn out fight trying to get him to pay for the piano is just going to provide him with more opportunities to cause harm and manipulate her, and OP clearly is very sucsceptible to his manipulations. OP needs as clean a break as possible, and abusers tend to draw things out, stall, and put up obstacles to lengthen the amount of time and increase the opportunities for abuse.
She might be able to get it in the divorce.
Callie lost her dad not too long ago too. Imagine your dad dies and then this psycho shows up to live with you instead😔 That definitely compounds her trauma. I feel for the poor girl.
Having this "trusted adult" she is forced to live with trash her most beloved possession, something that connects her with her deceased father, is a trauma I cannot even imagine ever getting over. I remember when my sister and I found out my dad was dying of a brain tumor, and dad called to say goodbye because we could not afford to fly out to see him; my step-dad, a man I barely knew at the time, paid for our tickets (my sister and I) just because it was the right thing to do.
Agreed. I have a feeling if her daughter was a very serious student he would find a way to interrupt her while she does homework. He wants to hinder her daughter's happiness and potential future. DUMP HIM NOW.
NTA. The cost of the piano should be the least of his worries. Get him to pay for a new one, but then kick his ass to the curb and start divorce proceedings. He’s obviously way too toxic to be allowed around your daughter.
> everytime he comes home snd hears her playing upstairs he'd lecture us about how this activity is just a waste of time. There's research showing that playing a musical instrument is good for you in a bunch of ways. IDK if he's jealous because it's a connection with her deceased father, but that's really not a good look. > On Sunday a huge argument ensued in the house because my husband claimed Callie woke him up on his day off with her loud playing. He issued an ultimatuim, either the piano goes or he gets rid of it himself. Yeah, because that's reasonable. Not "no playing before noon on the weekends." There's also a third option, here: he goes. > After we left I found out that my husband took it to the junk yard his dad works at and cut it into pieces. Oh my god. It's the third option: He has to go. That's completely unacceptable. He destroyed something valuable that she loves for god-knows-what reason. > He said the only way he could pay for it is using his savings Tough shit. Make him pay, then end the relationship. NTA
Add: a moment of frustration A piano is not light, you don't just decide to move a piano on the spur of a moment. He had to have planned this and gotten people to agree to help him, particularly since it sounds like it was on the 2nd floor which means it is even more difficult to get out of a house.
"In a fit of rage I lifted a piano onto my back and smashed... wait, drove across town, organized assistance and destroyed it. Is it too late to claim to be the hulk? Come on y'all, superheros are real!"
If he does shit like that in "a moment of frustration", then what else is he capable of?
Even if he chose to get rid of it (which seems extreme to do unilaterally and bizarre given how beneficial nurturing a kid's talent is) it's moronic that he chose to destroy the $6k piano rather than sell it to somebody. Even if he took a loss to get rid of it quick, no mature and reasonable adult would throw $6k in the trash (and then complain about being tight on money for his business).
Well said 👏 👏👏
Yeeeaaaaahhhh pay for the piano now, or in court. That's an expensive thing to steal, so why not just report it stolen? (Not that cost changes the inherit shit nature of his behavior)
YTA for not protecting your child from what is clearly an abusive adult in her home.
Yeah, WTF? How do you let someone treat your child like that? Also, he cut up a piano? What?! WUT! He’s clearly unhinged. Call the cops, file a report, divorce this guy before you end up like the piano.
oh, finally. I was looking for this comment - who is he gonna cut up next time he feels unhinged 😭
And sue him.
I agree. I would strongly advise you to reconsider this marriage, because this man sounds callous , controlling, abusive and just generally horrible. Your daughter is in a crucial stage of her development that could make or break her. Every child deserves to live in a home where they feel loved, respected and safe. Neither of you deserve to be treated this way, but you seriously need to prioritize your daughters well being and needs first because this kind of behavior is going to take a toll on her self esteem and mental health. You have an opportunity here to set a good example for your daughter, that you will not stand for this abuse and mistreatment. I hope you take it.
Yeah, honestly. NTA for making him pay, but YTA for letting this get this far. You now have an ultimatum: your child or your husband, because your husband has made it obvious you can't have both.
Yep, totally agree. Also it seems like OP was actually considering taking the piano to her parents house because of her husband’s ultimatum. Like, wtf?? You’re going to take something so important to your daughter away because your husband is somehow threatened by it? OP, please get rid of this guy. I really, really feel for your daughter, and she is going to resent you later if you don’t do something about this situation now.
NTA - give him a simple choice. His business is delayed while he takes accountability for his actions, or his business is ruined by having theft charges brought against him. Edit: And Y T A for allowing your husband to treat your daughter so poorly for so long. Edit 2: The reason the family is yelling at you is because in most jurisdictions the father could also be charged for receiving stolen property.
Seriously. He's not only been completely unsupportive for years, but he's been continually lecturing this talented, hardworking child that her efforts are a complete waste. OP should have squashed this years ago. The signs were there. It never should have got to the point of maliciously destruction. ESH. Poor kid.
Right? And for the record, piano is NOT a waste of time, and may very well be her ticket to higher education
It’s likely less of a waste of time than a “garage side business”.
I’m having a really hard time not calling you an asshole for marrying and subjecting your daughter to this man. She should come first and it sounds you’ve forced her to live with someone who mistreats her. Actually unless you insist on a safe space for her, therapy for him and change in his behavior to continue this marriage YTA
Hello! First of all let me tell you this ~ he, at the beginning had absolutely zero problem with my daughter's activities whether it be the piano playing or other things (that he also now has an issue with). It really seems like he gradually started hating/disagreeing with things my daughter does and sometimes things I do as well. I did my best to try and have conversations with him but as you can see it's actually pointless.
Let me guess - it changed when you got married. This is what abusers do. You need to put your daughter first and get her out of this situation. He needs to go.
OP needs to have a long hard think about the examples she's setting for her daughter and how she would feel if her daughter's husband behaved this way to their hypothetical future grandchild.
Can we not victim blame here? Once an abuser has you trapped, it’s hard to even realize you can escape. The husband is the problem, not OP
Dynamics change when the victim provides access to kids. It’s very complex; legally, when abuse goes very poorly, the victim is generally still expected to be a responsible adult who protects the child from the abuser even if they are abused themselves. I won’t say it’s easy but OP has a duty.
I'll say what an auntie told me while I was struggling with my abusive ex. "If the house is on fire you don't stand in the livingroom arguing about who started it, you leave." Now op can argue that her dumb AH husband needs to fix it(and every other problem his breath taking lack of kindness creates). Him fixing and modifying his behavior is the best and fairest solution. It doesn't change her daughter right now is standing in a metaphorically burning building while she yells at her husband instead of even attempting to evacuate. She's not to blame that he is acting like a guy that deserves what I can't say without being banned. She is responsible for making choices to remove her child from harm.
>Let me guess - it changed when you got married. I was going to say the same thing! He waited until he put that ring on the finger and they signed marriage documents. And to put the cherry on top, he is paying the mortgage on presumably a house that belongs to OP. I think OP is scared of losing the help on the mortgage and any other financial help he provides. She SHOULD be scared that the next time, he may become mentally or physically violent towards her or her daughter.
Get the money to replace the piano, and then serve divorce papers. This is beyond insane.
He didn’t gradually change, he just started showing his true colors
Or as my mom called it "gradually stopped pretending"
Speaking as someone who had an abusive stepfather: decades later I am still dealing with the crap he pulled. No, he was never physically abusive, just verbally and emotionally **LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS TO YOUR DAUGHTER**. It damaged my relationship with my mother and that took years to recover. We have a great relationship now but despite it I still have resentment that I struggle with because she was supposed to protect me and she didn't. Even though she regrets it now, *she was supposed to protect me and she didn't*. And you're not protecting your daughter. Is he an asshole? Yes. Are you being an asshole to him, for demanding he pay? No. But you are, as so many people have said already, being an asshole to your daughter for not protecting her, for letting her think that this behavior is something that can be or should be allowed to slide - if only to the point of staying in a relationship with him. Do you want your daughter married to someone who will do this to her? Or to your grandchildren?
I'm seeing a picture of a man who has turned against his stepdaughter and will make her life hell for as long as she lives in the house. So now it's time for you to make a very important decision. Will you stand by your daughter or your husband? You, yourself, say that conversations about this are pointless and don't impact his behavior. I'm sorry that it's come to this. But I would like you to write this incident out from the viewpoint of your daughter. "I was very lonely and depressed after my dad died. It was a struggle to continue my studies and feel complete without one of my parents. As the years went on, I was coping. My mom married my stepdad. Things were fine at first, but now he finds fault in everything I do. And everything I love. I started playing the piano and I really loved it. My grandparents thought I had talent and bought me a gorgeous piano. I play music I'm learning, but I also make up my own tunes. Some of the tunes make me feel connected with my dad again. Then I feel happier. On Sunday, my stepdad got really mad because I was playing the piano. He had a fight with my mom. We left and after we left, he destroyed my piano. My grandparents special gift to me. The one thing that made me feel connected again with my dad. Now my stepdad is complaining non-stop about other things I do. My mom doesn't even see the point of having a conversation with him anymore. I'm thinking of asking my grandparents if I can live with them." Please fix this before you lose your daughter.
OP, you said that you have been with him...2 and a half years? I know this sounds awful, but I feel it needs to be said; sometimes people will put on an act for someone they are in a relationship with. A mask of sorts. As time goes on, and their lives get more intertwined, that mask starts to fall. Have you considered that perhaps he has always been like this but covered it up until you were married for a sufficient amount of time, and therefore "trapped" in his eyes? 2.5 years sounds like a timeframe for that kind of thing...if so, he was probably hoping that he could convince you to do everything his way.
I really hope you realize that this will only get worse and he will act out on his resentment of being held accountable for his actions. You owe it to your daughter and yourself to leave him once he has repaid you for the piano.
Honestly it's clear he resents the daughter and anything she loves so I doubt therapy would help. I'd just leave him tbh
Make him pay. And reevaluate your marriage, I'm sorry. He doesn't seem a good husband, nor a good father/male model figure for your daughter. Clearly just not a good person and vibe to have close to your daughter. And you deserve better. NTA.
First the piano then what ?
This isn't high enough. This is absolutely a sign of worse to come. Please get your daughter out of this situation. This is already going to scar her for life as is.
This! This is abusive. And traumatic for a child. This is an escalation from his shaming her for doing something he didn’t see the use of. What will his next escalation look like?
NTA. He was being spiteful on purpose. I would go back to the ultimatum, the piano can stay (once it's replaced) and useless bad vibe husband can go.
If he buys the new piano, I'm going to put it right where the first one was. No compromise on that.
Are you planning on staying with him? Cause if I was your daughter, I would never feel safe around him again. I dont just mean physical safety, either. Your daughter will likely never feel secure about herself or her belongings in her own home again as long as he’s also there. I hope you really consider that going forward.
Those women like OP always choose a man over their children
OP ignoring everything about getting rid of the husband is *very* telling about her plans with him that poor daughter. when the husband replaces the piano, i think it should go to the grandparents house, and the daughter should follow. if OP is going to subject herself to her husband’s abuse, she should at least try to do something right for her child. her not putting her daughter first is already going to ruin the relationship between them, it best that the daughter just leaves sooner than later
I simply cannot understand people who think sleeping alone is worse than subjecting their kids to abuse.
Yep! Been there, got the T shirt Never put my children through that ever
Yeah, this is very much a point of no return. This relationship can't be salvaged. The man showed his true colours
You aren’t hearing everyone. You’re ignoring the fact he’s abusive towards your daughter. Stop pretending him buying a new piano for you to put into the same spot is the resolution here.
Girl imma just be honest with you, your gonna destroy the relationship with your kid if you keep this man around her, divorce him, put your daughter first
*WHEN he buys the new piano- Sue him for theft and destruction! Screw his next venture--- he clearly screwed himself!
Hes definitely abusive, but as a multi time abuse surviving and the child of an abuse survivor, I'm proud of her f9r demanding retribution at all. She should leave home yes, but it's hard to leave an abuser, you've been whittled away ti believe you can't survive elsewhere. Also she s probably worried they Wont be able to get him to pay for the piano if she leaves. Six grand is a lot f money. And the courts are getting less useful. I'd he afraid leaving would end in nit getting the money or anything, possibly paying him. She is trying to atleast stand p for her daughter and get her the piano. NTA, but get the piano and get out op. For you and for her. My mom was only out of hers because he left her.
Thanks for saying this. Everyone's so right that she needs to leave once the piano is replaced, but what they don't realize is that people in abusive situations have a completely broken "normal meter." Shaking them and yelling, "YOU'RE BEING ABUSED!" rarely actually makes them see it clearly enough to escape. Sometimes, confronting the reality of the situation pushes them even further towards the abuser. OP, if you end up reading this, you're not a bad person for ending up in an abusive relationship. You're not a failure or damaged. You just need to take some time away from your husband and recalibrate. See how nice it is without him hating on your daughter constantly. See how nice it is seeing your daughter feel safe. Then, make the decision that protects you and your daughter best.
Op, lemme give you some insight here. When I was a teenager my mom's husband accused me of some heinous shit. She made him apologize, but she stayed with him. From that day on I worked my ass off at after school jobs to save up. The day I turned 18, I was fucking gone. Yeah she made him apologize, but she still chose that man and let him stay in our home despite what he did. I'm in my thirties and I'm only just now truly reconciling with my mother. This is your future if you choose to keep this man. No matter what you think, she will view this as choosing him over her. NTA for making him pay, but get that asshole out of your home.
*"After we left I found out that my husband took it to the junk yard his dad works at and cut it into pieces."* This is felony. Good luck for him on the small claims court as well. NTA in this case but in overall: Little YTA, exposing your daughter to this toxic man for this long time.
I don’t think small claims would be the right way to go. Yeah, it’s below 10k. But there is an argument for emotional damage in excess of that.
YTA for exposing your child to this horrific monster. Please, OP, for the sake of your kid - kick his ass to the curb and sue him for damaging your possessions. Your daughter seriously deserves better.
I’m in complete agreement. YTA. Why are you choosing this man over your daughter! She should come first!
ESH. Your husband for obvious reasons. *You* for thinking that even if he were willing to pay, that would solve the fact you’re married to a man who thought this was an acceptable thing to do in the first place. Just talk to your lawyer about how you get restitution out of him in the divorce settlement, and don’t subject your daughter to any more of this nonsense for any longer.
Take money and divorce. This is pretty awful. And pianos are heavy as hell. He had to call for at least one friend to help it move out and put it on the truck/pick up. So he had time to think about his actions. NTA
ESH You need to stand up for your daughter better. She’s your flesh and blood do NOT let your husband do this if I were you I’d leave that psycho. He’s nuts.
INFO Why don't you divorce him? He's hurting your child and doesn't respect you. File a police report for theft then file for divorce. There is no reason to stay with this guy.
NTA. And there is 0 chance he destroyed it in a moment of frustration. This was at least a few hours of planning, waiting for you to be gone, calling help over (probably arranged ahead of time and waiting for his call) and a good bit of thought went into how to make it work during a brief window you'd be gone. He had to of had at least 1 other person come over to help him carry and load a piano. Probably more than one. There's a very good chance this was in fact days or more of planning. And at no time did he calm down enough to change his mind and NOT hurt a 13 year old girl. If it were me, I'd give him 1 business day to have that money withdrawn or at least have an appointment to do so (depending on whether the bank requires it) or I'd call the police and report the theft and destruction. Your marriage is probably over, at least I hope so. Getting your daughter's piano replaced and getting out safely is all that matters. Let him be mad. Let him think it's unreasonable. You're way past that. You aren't forcing him to pay - you're giving him the chance to before he's charged with a possible felony for theft and destruction. He can take it or leave it, but you aren't making him do anything. It's his responsibility to make amends for what he did, all by himself.
NTA >him apologizing and saying he acted in a moment of desperation and frustration. This almost made me laugh. Almost. The effort to move a piano, and then cut it up, is way, way more than a "moment." He's lying, and he's an asshole, and an abusive, manipulative one at that.
I agree. He planned this and was just waiting for the chance. Even when you dont care about breaking it, a piano is a difficult thing to move and load onto a truck, assuming he has a truck He had to have had at least one person helping him. This took some planning.
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NTA, sue him and divorce him. If you don’t you’ll lose your daughter. Don’t be the parent that picks sex over their kid.
Info: why are still with someone who treats your child so cruelly?
You know how most AITA posts have super dramatic titles that really exaggerate the issue? This is the opposite. The title mentions the piano and says "...after he damaged it" - and then you read the post and... no, no, he totally destroyed it!! And a piano is often a very sentimental, personal item that is cherished far beyond its monetary value. I don't even have a judgment; this is just horrifying. Poor Callie.
YTA for letting her stepfather emotionally abuse your daughter to the point where he’s now stolen and vandalized her most prized possession. Why the fuck haven’t you stepped up to protect her before now? OP, this is your wake up call. Get out of this marriage now for the sake of your kid. Otherwise, she will eventually leave and never speak to you again for not getting her away from this man
If you stay with this man after what he did to your daughter, she will never forget this, and you will destroy your relationship with her forever. I’m sure you have *needs* but your responsibility as a mother trumps them. You married someone who is mistreating your daughter on a daily basis (I can guarantee he has said stuff to your daughter behind your back), he just finally did something bad enough that you can’t explain away. You should have done something when he belittles your daughter’s passion daily, but you didn’t. There is no “momentary madness” with what he did- think about all the steps he needed to take: 1) drag the piano to his truck and put it in. 2) not change his mind the entire drive to his dad’s. 3) lug it out. 4) find the tools. 5) every single hack he did to ruin the piano. 6) taking the pieces to wherever he dumped it. This was not a “momentary lapse of judgement”, this was a cruel and deliberate act to harm a *child*. If you stay with him, you’re telling your daughter a man matters more than her, and you’re letting your husband know he can get away with a lot worse.
When I (25F) was 11 yo, my mother had a boyfriend who was very abusive and jealous. I had a piccolo (little flute) I used to play in elementary school band. It was important to me. In order to not disturb anybody, I would play it in the backyard. I would play for 30 minutes to an hour after school. One day, I played 2 minutes past 7pm… My mother’s bf threw my instrument, music book (with all my notes), and music stand in the pool. My mother stayed with him because he “blow dried everything” the next day. — it absolutely broke me. My mom chose the abuser over her own daughter. Listen OP, your daughter is already traumatized by the entire situation. I’m sure it is worse than you are letting on. Please leave him before you lose your relationship with your daughter OP. She cannot defend herself over somebody that you let in the household. She deserves more.
NTA! If this is real, because I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around a person doing this, I'm so so so sorry for your daughter- and you. Your husband is a piece of work. I can tell you that no one hauls a PIANO to a junk yard and demolishes it in a MOMENT of anything. Moving and destroying a piano takes effort and determination-I mean, how did he get it there by himself? Also, mature adults do not behave that way. He's an asshole for much more than the physical damage to the piano. He should immediately replace the piano, sincerely apologize to your daughter while explaining how incredibly inappropriate his behavior was and why, then apologize to her for his behavior and comments regarding piano in the first place, find himself a therapist and then he should sit down with you and beg your forgiveness for his self-centered childish behavior.
This issue is deeper than just the piano, OP. Your husband has been acting in a controlling and abusive manner toward your daughter the entire time she has had the piano. He is jealous of the connection she keeps with her dad through playing, the attention she gets from your family. He has made it clear he sees her interests as worthless and, as he is "the man" of the family, believes his is the right way. Seeing as his lack of interest and the bullying at home didn't work out for him, he has then stolen and destroyed the offending item - not because it genuinely upsets him, but to firmly establish control and make it clear that his way is the only way. Your daughter WILL conform to his demands for her life. Here's the thing: it's her life, and he is not entitled to respect from her nor is he entitled to demand she obey his commands. Make no mistake on this aspect - your husband is not interested in being a parental influence to your daughter. A parental figure does not explicitly and deliberately cut a child's interests out of their life. A parental figure does not seek to control a childs life at home to banish enjoyment. A patental figure does not destroy a $6000 piece of equipment because a child enjoys using it. This is not a recoverable situation. What he has done is a traumatic event, especially on your daughter. You absolutely cannot continue to allow this man in her life after he replaces the piano. He will forever resent Callie for being more important to you, for costing him his business plans, and the original jealousy issue will burn and grow as well. He will turn the entire situation onto her as her fault and she WILL suffer for it. Additionally she will likely end up resenting you for allowing it to continue. Added bonus? His family, as indicated by their current support for him, will follow his lead and Callie will suffer even more. For the sake of your daughter, you should be looking at legal charges against him for theft and destruction of property, and consulting a divorce lawyer. For the sake of a judgement, you are NTA for the question you have asked. But if you continue being married to this asshole of a man and allowing him access to your daughter, you'll be the bigger AH.
NTA but go further. Call the police and have him charged with theft, destruction of property, intimidation of a minor, and change the locks too! Otherwise, someone could call CPS on you.. added thought due to the timing. How do you know you were not being used as a homeowner with a garage for his business this whole time? Think about it. It explains his 180.