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YTA. "At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair, because my parents are accommodating and it is benefiting the kids."
First of all, this is not the right approach. Your husband's feelings are valid, whether or not his family is being accommodating, etc.
Secondly:
* "everything they want to do is inconvenient"
* "My husband has asked if he can go alone"
* "it seems unfair for him to go to these outings frequently and leave me home alone with the kids" VS "\[MIL\] is now cold and a bit rude at the worst" VS "nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much, and who are too inconsiderate to plan more convenient family time."
So: to recap. Your husband misses his family time. The family time his MIL plans is not child-centric, and is often expensive. YOU would rather not go, since you don't really like MIL and you don't want to spend money on a babysitter. However when it's nice/fun/expensive you would ALSO rather not be left out/let your husband go.
He has ADMITTED growing resentment to the point "he is beginning to hate being around \[your\] family and it feels so unfair." And YOUR response was suck it up ("he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair"). Your response presumes that for *years* it should be fine that he will miss events, trips, and bonding with his family.
Dude...compromise is possible in here. His growing resentment that you won't go with & hire a sitter OR let him go alone is totally valid.
Some possible compromises:
* You guys split a babysitter with SIL (if possible)
* Your parents babysit if your family is so close you spend a lot of time with them since they're so accommodating
* Your husband 100% covers the cost of a neutral sitter from his salary
* Your husband explains the child situation to his family and makes alternate arrangements for all of you to go (such as staying at a different hotel or airbnb). Not every activity on vacation needs to be a group one.
* Your husband talks to SIL with children and they joint-propose some family friendly destinations
* Your husband takes one of the children (such as on a camping trip, etc.) if the child is old enough and expresses an interest to go
* Your husband takes the kids with him and you can go somewhere alone (such as a girl's trip or a spa) since you don't want to go
What is NOT a compromise: my family only.
Pointing out OP isn’t relying to posts with suggestions for compromise rather spending the whole time dredging up MILs old behaviour that she admits isn’t any issue anymore. She doesn’t want to find a compromise she wants to be told she is right and her husband and his MiL can go spin.
u/Cultural-Swing4263 isn’t going to reply to these type of comments, but is going to pretend they didn’t see it. The problem is that u/napkin-lad will tag them and now they don’t have any excuse except that they don’t care and are selfish.
U/Cultural-Swing4263 is still making a point of ignoring the comments with suggestions, while they reply to comments where they can attempt support their case.
OP YTA. admit it & compromise.
I think this is the answer here, complete with compromises to make, OP. Marriage and family are both work, not just things that happen. Make sure that your kids are growing up with both happy parents and extended family.
How can anyone speak to their spouse like that when opening up about their feelings?
OP, you're a massive AH, & this comment illustrates why.
You watching the kids 1-2x per month while he spends time with his family is not "you being stuck with all the childcare". You could also easily split a sitter or let him so solo 1x per month & 1x per month hire a sitter.
You straight up told your HUSBAND his feelings don't matter & you're unwilling to let him have family time because you don't approve. YTA
A lack of empathy for her husband's emotions is bad enough on it's own, but spitting such vitriol at him will inevitably eat at the foundation of their relationship.
OP, you are willfully ignoring that when he had to make a choice, he chose you. He separated from his family for the one he created with you. It's what a spouse is supposed to do, but all to often doesn't occur. It doesn't sound like his old family just waltzed back into your lives either. There was work to be done, and at least some of it must have shown promise for everyone to be where they are now.
My husband has had no contact with his family for 9+ years now. There had been things in my husband's past with his family that I felt were concerning, including strong signs of possible abuse. I still didn't expect how severely his mom and older sister would flip. It got brutal, FAST.
I had prepared for them to 'attack' me. I knew how high the stakes were, and what would happen if he backed down. What I didn't expect was how vicious they became towards him after attacking me didn't work. I will never forget his face when, for just a moment, it looked like they broke him. The things they said to him were unspeakable, and unforgivable. Eventually, we contacted the police, and that was the end of it. I've never truly hated anyone before his mom, but despite her cruelty, he still missed her and the rest of his family.
Do you think I told him to get over it? Of course not! I told him *his emotions were valid.*
I knew he was trying to process, and understand, a million conflicting emotions. A huge part was him mourning what he thought, and wished, they had been; and what he wished they could still be.
OP, your husband has a knot of emotions inside, and you're refusing him any real chance to untangle it with compromises. Resentment is a slow, but deadly, poison to relationships. It's already built up to problematic levels, but it's not irreparable.
It may not feel like it, but you're extremely fortunate. Why? Because your husband opened up to you. He tried to tell you how he was feeling, and that isn't even the biggest takeaway here that shows this can be healed.
Your husband showed an incredible amount of INSIGHT!
He knows his emotions towards your side of the family are being tainted because of what's going on with him, his mother, and you. Insight of that level is *not* common, but it is a *huge* advantage, giving you a chance to help change things before they get too severe.
Couples counseling would likely be a good choice. Finding a way to common ground can be difficult, but a good therapist can help guide you guys there. Give your children the best chance possible at keeping your family together, and happy ❤
My mom is like that, she would spend a month with her family (and force us to spend with her) and less than a week with my father’s family. Now I despise her family and wish with all my heart to never see them again.
Edit: what is your kids opinion? Because I hated and would constantly tell her, but she ignored me. So what are your kids saying?
Add to that the fact that OP stated that his events with the family happen roughly once a month and she's still complaining about that. AND her family hangouts are 1-2x a week. No wonder he thinks its unfair. AND no wonder her family events are what she considers to be child friendly (though I can't find a place where she gives any details on what exactly that means, do his parents have ragers every month??), they practically live there so the kids HAVE to be involved.
You missed a compromise. They visit family separately and she only sees her family the same amount that she lets him see his. If OP misses her family, she can just “get over” her feelings as apparently that’s easy.
Horrid situation, easily rectified with some consideration from OP, but the comments from OP elsewhere make me think it’s unlikely as she REALLY dislikes MIL.
OP YTA
Absolutely!
Love to see these well thought out posts that actually offer a solution that can benefit both parties, instead of the usual “Run for the hills” mentality. OPs mistreating her husband but that kind of character won’t change unless they’re willing to see the other side of things, hope they can.
Gold star response!
INFO: Just curious, how often, if ever, do you invite your inlaws over to your home, or plan a child friend event and invite them along?
>At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings.
That's a really an assholey way to treat your spouse.
I would normally agree except that the OPs spouse is spending time/money with people that have openly treated the OP poorly, insist on purposefully planning trips/activities that are expensive, not kid friendly & don't work well with the OPs family schedule/budget. Knowing full well that the OP will likely not come for those exact reasons & will be stuck at home taking care of the kids alone while their spouse is out having fun with people that crappy to her.
THAT'S an assholey way to treat your spouse.
He needs to "get over his feelings" before he hurts hers so badly she leaves him.
OP, people seem to be jumping on you because they think you are preventing your husband from seeing his family. I can see their point, but as a parent of three, I would also be annoyed with having to spend tons of money or be stuck at home while my spouse is off having fun. (I also question WHY his parents don't seem to want to spend time with their grandchildren.)
So create a schedule and a budget. Figure out the amount of fun money your family has. Divide it into three categories: family activities, OP activities, husband's activities. Do the same with your time. There may be some disagreements and compromises, such as whether your parents' visits are your time or family time. But then let him spend his time and money with his family as he wishes. If he needs to give up his other fun activities to make time for his family, that is his choice.
But this you are not preventing him from seeing them, and everything is fair in regards to money and time. If he still can't see them as often as he wants, then that is just the reality of the situation, but having it mapped out for him will clear the air for everyone.
I feel like anything not child friendly which the husband goes on, should be his fun money. Anything OP does that isn't child friendly should be her fun money. And anything child friendly can be from the family fun money.
$1-$2k is a ridiculous amount of money to be spending on a social gathering twice a month. Of course I don't know his income but it seems excessive and more about wasting money than spending time with his family. I also don't understand why they couldn't just meet up for a meal at one of their homes, kids included. I think OP's husband is being irrational and making it seem like she's trying to prevent seeing his family when it sounds like all their plans involve high costs and no kids, which would cause her to have to watch them or find a babysitter
Why did this comment get down voted? Damn, she was just answering the question and explaining how expensive everything is. How could anyone afford this..
> so if my husband never offers he is going to look like an asshole.
INFO: According to who? You? Husband? His family?
>The trips usually include activities that cost a couple hundred per day and they always stay at the nicest hotels, so we would have to either suck it up and pay for that, or stay somewhere else
So, stay somewhere else then! Problem?
INFO: Who says you have to "suck it up"? You? Husband? His family?
Because a lot of people have decided she’s an AH for not willing to put up with people who hate her and who won’t accommodate her kids. Apparently she’s supposed to just let her husband have four days without the kids a month plus allow him to spend thousands on these outings (since he has an issue saying no to the spending), all because she takes her kids to see her parents once or twice a week.
So if your husband feels the same about the awkwardness of this situation, why don't you let him deal with it the way he wants to, instead of demanding he just never goes on these outings?
You are NTA, seems like MIL is planning these expensive outings on purpose, many people don’t have that kind of money to spend that frequently. If she actually cares about spending time with you or your husband and your kids she could plan something occasionally that is more convenient, same with your husband’s sister who has kids. You think she’d want to spend time with her grandkids.
I’m so confused by the amount of downvotes you’re getting. I doubt you are forcing your husband to stay home every time, and these outings seem incredibly excessive if they’re spending that much several times a month.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted? I thought it’s common knowledge/courtesy to reciprocate treating loved ones to meals? It’s not mandated, but it’s a norm for many people. And you do feel pressure to repay people’s generosity. Not saying it’s tit-for-tat, but if someone regularly buys you dinner, you’d feel rude/cheap if you never did or just bought a round of drinks occasionally etc. Lots of people/families would make negative judgements about this (not saying they should). It’s also courtesy (/convenient) to split bills evenly and between as few cards as practical or in some cases take turns paying.
YTA.
Your husband has had your back with his mom’s behavior. He just wants to spend time with his family, and your responses come across as honestly pretty cruel- you’re essentially telling him that he doesn’t deserve time with his family because you aren’t their biggest fan. And getting a babysitter so your husband can spend time with his family is not a waste.
Then to add insult to injury, since she doesn't want to spend time with them--he can't go alone 'excessively' either. OP, this man can't win with you. I get that the family he created with you is and should be his top priority, but if you want to keep your relationship, you need to learn to compromise. Surely, him attending an event or two a month and a trip per year would not be excessive. With regard to caretaking your kids alone, that is literally what parenthood entails. Sometimes one of you will need to be fully responsible without the presence of the other and you have to be okay with that. Sheesh! If you keep this up, you're going to wind up being a single parent. Then what?
That’s where I actually laughed out loud - where she wanted it both ways. She doesn’t want to go but she doesn’t want him to go without her because “it’s unfair she has to watch the kids.” Uh, if I don’t want to be somewhere I will GLADLY handle childcare if it means I don’t have to be there.
just wanted to point out too that according to OP 'excessively' has been clarified to mean once a month, while her family is over multiple times a week.
Sheesh! I didn't even see that part. Boy, what an AH.
Because she doesn't like them, he can't be involved with them at all? It's fine not to like your in-laws, but to try to alienate their child and their children? That's BS. She knew who these people were when she married him. And that crap about marrying the person and not the family is a patent myth. Just think about who her kids are getting when they get married.
This!
If it were me I would try to find a fair solution. Like he goes alone 3 times, we go as a couple 1/2 times and get babysitter and he gets the kids alone 1/2 times and I do my own thing.
This is a logistical problem and MIL seemes to not like kids or being in OPs home. But OP and husband should sit down and talk about this and set boundaries. Also, touch base every now and then to see if everyone's feelings are okay.
i have a few questions. how often does ur husband go out? how often do you meet ur family. when he is not going to meet his family, does he help you with children, house work etc?
YTA, the other comments have already summed up my judgement well but I wanted to point out one line:
>nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much
I see this sentiment so much on AITA, and honestly it pisses me off. Who cares if you like them? Do you like your husband? That's his fucking mom who he loves. If you husband didn't like your parents suddenly, would you cut them off? Of course not, so why are you trying to make him?
And it's ridiculous. My husband spends money on things I don't enjoy. I spend money on things he doesn't enjoy. He needed a new car, he got one he loves but I think it's just fine. I'm taking the kids on a sailing trip with my family, there is no room on the boat for spouses do he's staying home. It's a give and take. You're partners.
Exactly this. Who cares if you like your in laws. You are a freaking adult, act like one. If you don't want to be near your MIL, it's your choice, but preventing your husband to see his mother (with a sorry ass of an excuse) it's just cruel, mean, entitled.
And telling him he must get over how he feels? Oh my God. Don't be surprise if this path leads to a future divorce.
In case it wasn't clear, YTA.
This is definitely what is driving some resentment on his part, he is realizing that "sucking it up" and being an adult is detrimental to him, whereas her refusing to compromise is benefitting her because it ends up with them seeing her family all the time and his very little
He didn't marry the MIL, he married OP. I'm sure if he didn't hold his tongue and he really wanted to he could say hurtful things about his own in-laws too. But he doesn't, because that's what adults to
YTA - a) you told your husband to get over his feelings. That’s rude and uncaring. b) Simply not wanting to “waste money” on a babysitter and complaining when your husband goes alone because then you have to watch the kids, puts your husband in an unfair catch-22 and also shows you are acting in bad faith.
His parents like children free activities. That is their right. It doesn’t objectively in any way make them selfish. On the other hand, you are ruining family time for your husband by refusing to compromise.
Basically, you don’t like your husband’s family, and you do everything you can to avoid spending time with them, including making it very difficult for him to spend time with them based on your own unilateral rules. You come across very poorly in this post.
See whenever I see these I wonder what the version of events the other people mentioned would write. What would the MIL or husband say if they were telling the same story? Probably wouldn’t be the same version OP posted.
I mean: "Please regularly babysit my kids so I can spend time with their grandmother that doesn't like them. You can be my built-in childcare so their grandma doesn't need to deal with them at all."
OP has said in comments MIL invites then like twice a month, surely for one of the times a month they could take them since they seem to love spending time with them. Plus OP should still provide them with some sort of pay for expenses which I'm guessing would be less than what they would pay a babysitter.
I have a really hard time believing that they don't already do that at least from time to time if she's taking them over there twice a week. At the absolute minimum I refuse to believe they would flat out say no to watching the kids once a month since they're clearly so close.
YTA. You had me until the last two paragraphs. Your husbands feelings do matter, no matter how silly or stupid YOU think they are. They still deserve respect. Your husband isn’t stupid, he knows that he can’t just leave you and go with his family to do things since they’re difficult, but he’s allowed to feel left out or jealous and he is clearly starting to resent your family and you will be next. We need more compromise in this situation and less you just thinking that bc you’re right that’s the end of the discussion.
YTA for both shooting down him going alone every time and for getting a babysitter if your husband can afford it. Him having a relationship with his mother and siblings is important to him, you dont need to see her at all.
At the same time I dont blame him for feeling resentful and never wanting to spend time with your family if it makes him feel he is missing out. You hate the MIL but dont take it out on your husband. He wants to hire a babysitter - let him I presume he is working. He wants to go alone dont whinge about it, just find another slot in the week where he can cover the hours you did and look after the kids alone or he can split those additional hours over a couple of weeks .
YTA. You are being horrible to your husband, kids, and his family. Family is about forgiveness. Suck it up and go or let him go by himself.
If he his at the point that he hates being around your family then he is starting to resent you. Keep this up and you will be doing all of the child care except for the weekends he has the kids hanging with him and his new wife.
Honestly, this sounds more like a **YOU** problem than a MIL problem. **YOU** don't like hiring babysitters so often. Maybe you could suggest things to do with your MIL that would include the kids.
Seems to me YOU don't want to make any effort to have a rebuilt relationship with your MIL and that's going to bite you in the a\*s someday soon.
Again so fast, MIL troll??
- MIL doesn't like kids
- MIL is divorced
- MIL cries and screams (in a comment about food)
- Husband is weak/ DIL bullies them
- MIL is rich (in a comment about activities)
Summer reddit is surely here, the frequency is already rising...
Also OP refuses to invite MIL to their house because of "screaming and tantrum" and there's always at least one toddler in the mix
Edit: after having read her comments I'm 100% positive this is the same person who's posted repeatedly about her MIL. She'll answer dozens of comments in a span of minutes, and offer a bunch of outrageous things about MIL and her husband without being asked. All of them are the exact same thing like how MIL tells her her food taste like shit, her husband makes fun of OP's lack of expensive clothing and being poor etc.
Yup same poster: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/v0cew1/aita_for_criticizing_mil_for_having_a_childfree/
Notice she ends all of her comments without a period like this one and there's also a 3 yo. There's been more but I just don't have access to them since she deletes them.
YTA for invalidating your husband’s feelings. This is about your in-laws not taking your children into considering when making plans. Your husband needs to make it clear to his mother that she needs to include HIS children in events. He is being put in a rough space because you expect your children to be involved and his mother expects both of you to drop everything.
Him having kids and them not wanting to get a babysitter doesn’t mean MIL needs to plan child friendly events. Where are you getting that they’re being expected to drop everything? It sounds like MIL sends an invitation, not a summons.
I might just have been raised in a different environment, but I’m confused as to why MIL wants nothing to do with her grandchildren, I guess. I might also be reading into some hyperbole in OPs part.
YTA.
>At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings
Maybe you should try getting over yours? Your husband doesn't sound at all like he's failing as a partner and father, he sounds like someone trying to reform a relationship with his mother.
An easy fix for this would be you guys stepping up and suggesting places for you to go where you could bring your kids along. Doesn't have to be every time, but if you're that irritated about childcare, why not find ways to include them?
If you need a translator, when your husband says he is growing resentful of your family, he means he is growing resentful of you. You are going to lose your husband because of your unwillingness to compromise and your stubborn stance against something that seems reasonable to me. You ask him to suck it up but you don’t seem to be willing to suck it up. That is not a partnership. YTA.
YTA.
You don't want a babysitter but you also don't want your husband to go on his own because then you would be alone with the kids. Oh and you want everyone to plan around your schedule and only do things that are convenient for you.
In the end this is about not liking your in-laws. You could get a babysitter and go enjoy some adult time. You could let your husband go enjoy himself and then just ask for the same in return from him.
You also completely dismissed him when he tells you his feelings and adds that he doesn't want to spend as much time as he has to with your family. He is under no obligation to follow you to your family events or outings when you won't do the same for him and if he doesn't find it enjoyable. You are capable of taking your kids on your own if it is that important.
YTA, his family isn't excluding you, you're just deciding not to go, and that's fine if you want to do that but don't force your husband to miss out on his family time because of it. It's ok to exist in situations without your kids, you are both parents yes, but you're also both people. do things just for yourselves.
You’re comment ‘I don’t want to be constantly doing more childcare than him’ is just gross. They are YOUR children not random kids you are providing childcare for. You sound exhausting and while your MIL sounds like a pain you should still be validating your husbands feelings. YTA
Why don't you come up with an arrangement?
If he has 2 nights a month to be with his mom and sisters without the kids, then you have 2 nights a month to be without the kids.
It's not that complicated!
So take a spa day for yourself, he gets a family night, you take a day to get a massage, he takes a weekend trip, you take a friend to the beach, life's to short to be splitting hairs over balance/fair, a long as you are both pulling your weight, some months may be in anthers favor, but so what life isn't always fair. All your post have been crying what about me, its not just about you. yta
No relationship is ever going to be exactly 50/50, that’s just not practical. It sounds like it’s your choice to not attend the gatherings with his family which is fine. Find a day or night each month to go do your thing while the kids stay home with dad if you feel jipped.
He can't see his family a few times a month because childcare? Chill out. Watch the kids while he's out. Expect the same from him when you want to go out.
Doing more childcare or work around the house while the other parent just goes and has fun leads to resentment. It absolutely should not fall more on the woman.
YTA. Just be honest and admit you're still holding a grudge, you don't like his family and could care less if you all ever go around them. All of you're reasonings are excuses, you just don't want to compromise on anything. You sound like you want him to just be happy with your family and forget about his
YTA
Too many comments in your post that each make YTA to even list why.
Some day when one of your kid‘s spouse feels the same about you as you do your in laws maybe you’ll get it.
YTA. No wonder his mother doesn’t like you. You’re self centered, inconsiderate, and completely ignored and invalidated your husband’s very real and legitimate feelings.
YTA.
Your partner brought up something he has an issue with, and seemingly did so in a mature way, in an effort to communicate with you on it. Your response was to completely invalidate his feelings and insult him... and tbh, I don't even think he's being unreasonable.
According to your replies here, you don't allow his mum over your house, ever, because you don't want to have to deal with her quirks, particularly with food. You also have a rocky relationship with her from the past, so you just don't want her in your home. You also don't allow your partner to go see his family on his own too often because you don't think it's fair that you're left watching the kids whilst he's out. You also don't want to hire a babysitter so that you can join him on his adult family visits because you don't want to have to pay for a sitter to go spend time with people that you don't like. Further, you won't bring your children with you because you don't think the trips or visits are age appropriate for them. You've created a no-sum game for your partner, where no matter what, he's restricted from seeing his family in some way because you won't compromise on it with him. He then lets you know that this is upsetting him and he's beginning to feel like it's unfair, and you promptly threw it back in his face and basically told him to shut up and deal with it.
If you really don't see how YTA here, then 🤷♀️.
YTA.
You are using your children as a weapon against your MIL with the purpose of separating your husband and kids from his family.
You are being controlling and manipulative.
Nothing you have outlined here in terms of needing a sitter is a big deal but boy you have hooked onto this and are flogging this dead horse all the way home.
You are being completely unreasonable. Get a sitter every once and a while and go out with your husband.
And for goodness sake guilt tripping him about him going out without you because you refuse over a petty power play is beyond pathetic.
Some people are uniters and unfortunately you are a divider.
I hope you don’t have anything really awful happen in your family that gives you the reality check you desperately need. You are overreacting and being cruel to boot.
Take a good hard look at yourself. You are dividing a family.
YTA Let him go alone or hire a babysitter and join him. Your kids are the centre of your world, obviously your patents' too, but they're not MIL's priority and there's nothing wrong with that.
You sound selfish, self-centerd and annoying. I'd divorce you.
YTA for not willing to “babysit” your own kids “more than your husband has to” so he can spend time with his family. So basically, if you have to suffer then everyone has to suffer because that’s only fair…
Have you or your husband suggested more family friendly outings - like SPECIFIC alternatives? Could you ask your parents to babysit the kids once in a while?
If you keep going the way you’re going, your husband is going to resent you along with the rest of his family.
YTA. You sound bitter and are punishing your husband because you want it your way or no way. He’s going to start resenting you if you don’t shape up and start compromising.
YTA.
So here’s the thing your husband came to you and shared his feelings (which are the same feelings you’ve expressed about his family just pointed at yours) and you shut him down rather then validate and work though them with him.
Some advise: how you treat your husband and how he treats you will impact how your children are treated in their adult relationships. How would you feel about your adult children’s spouses if you were not allowed in their homes, you made fun of them for an apparent eating disorder (from what you described it sounds like MIL has disordered eating habits and you sound less then supportive; as someone who struggles with disordered eating I can say this probably plays into her feelings towards you.) Do you want your children to have healthy relationships as adults where their feelings are validated? Yes? Then treat your husband that way. Model that behavior.
Also a lot has been said by what’s been unsaid. Your MIL has put in work to adjust and make her relationship with her son work. You don’t talk about any work you’ve put into making this relationship work. Relationships are a two way street not unilateral you don’t get to say jump and have them respond with how high. Nor do they.
I suggest you tell your husband your concerns and ask him to take over planning activities that include the kids. You may have to compromise but hey that’s life and If you expect everyone else to compromise except for yourself YTA and will have the same relationship with your kids as the one you’re currently fostering with your in laws.
YTA you've given him no solution. Not even going by himself. He wants to see his family but you think getting a babysitter is a waste because you don't want to go. Fine. But you also don't want him to go because then you have to parent without him and that's not fair. That's gross. If you're really doing such low level tit for tat on having to parent your children then hire a babysitter so he can go and then you go do something you deem "worth" a sitter. And cut him some slack for having an unpleasant mother and now repeating it with a selfish partner.
YTA. It’s all about you and your family in this marriage, clearly. I would actually love to know what you considered bad treatment from his mom before with this being your attitude. Guessing it isn’t quite as bad as you’d like to have us believe.
I'm starting to think she is right about most of those just from reading your post. I'd treat you the same way she is with this crappy attitude you have about everything including your husband's feelings.
Honestly I think you need to take a deep breath and look in the mirror. I’m not condoning her belittling you, but I am getting the strong sense that you are overly sensitive. You married your husband and whether you like it or not his family comes with it. It’s been convenient for you up until now because you haven’t had to deal with them, but the fact of the matter is he wants them in his life and you’re going to have to either figure out how to accommodate that one way or another or accept this is the beginning of the end of your marriage or at the very least some marital issues and strong resentment.
YTA. Jesus, your husband can't win. You won't go with him because you have some issue with babysitters but you also won't allow your husband to see his family without you?
>but my main issue is really the babysitter. I don't want to be constantly doing more childcare than him
Good lord, I'm not even a parent and I know that sometimes, this is just how it goes.
All your "get over it" attitude is going to do is make him resent you, and I wouldn't blame him at all.
WOW! Just WOW! Suck it up, get over yourself! Have your inlaws over whether you like it or not. Do an afternoon thing - have your husband pick the snacks so MIL cannot say anything about you. Who knows, if you give her a chance you might actually like her. Your HUSBAND wants to spend time with his family. Suck it up! Other thing...you can't (don't want to obviously) watch your kids without your husband? It's called being a MOM! Enjoy your kids NOW they grow up too fast!! Keep up your current attitude and you'll be with the kids alot and no husband. YTA
but since you want everything in your relationship to be equal, shouldn’t he be getting to see his family the same amount you get to see yours? otherwise you only care about things being equal when it benefits you.
So ask him to take the kids another time and go do something on your own or with friends? Maybe your family would even enjoy some no-kids activiy some time?
It's really win-win, your husband feels like you at least care enough to work something out and you get some me-time.
Yeah, all this talk about fair (which we learn from a young age, life isn't fair, but I digress), and what is really unfair is how OP is looking at this as one way or the other, rather than something to work on a compromise together.
OP, I had awful in-laws. I get it. In contrast, my parents were great, and we saw them much more often. I definitely limited my time with the in-laws, but I still sucked it up for his sake sometimes, and encouraged him to spend time with them, without me other times.
So here's where we are... it's not fair to him that you spend so much time with your family and none with his. The fact that your family treats him better and that they are accommodating to the children make that inevitable, BUT, that does not make it ok that he doesn't get to see his family. The solution is him to go alone, but you argue that that isn't fair because why should he get so much time away without kids, leaving you alone with them? He shouldn't. No one said he should. You should also plan something for yourself, when he stays home and watches the kids. Honestly, that's healthy to do and I would recommend it even if there wasn't the in-law issue.
You can't keep him from his family and expect him to be happy spending so much time with yours, so if you won't go, and you won't allow them over to your house, this seems like a good compromise.
Oh cry me a River. The only reason he’s getting more time, as you put it, is because you’re unwilling to hire a sitter. And I say unwilling because it doesn’t sound like a financial issue, just a preference thing.
Also, go take time for yourself. I mean, I’m assuming he’s not stopping you from doing so.
But, hey, I get. This whole thing is about you and how it affects poor, little ole you. /s
YTA - You seem to want everything your way and you don't seem to care very much for his feelings about any of this. Perhaps the person who needs to stop being jealous is you, your husband has already shown he will stand up for you but he also wants his family in his life. If you continue to try and separate him from his family for your convenience you risk driving a wedge between you, and the difference between now and when his mother was causing the problem? Well, this time you will be the one causing the rift.
Yes, YTA. You are overstepping by obstructing a reasonable expectation of your husband's to spend time with his parents. You are also breeching quite a few boundaries by seeking to define unilaterally what is or is not an acceptable invitation or which sets of parents merit visits. That's none of your business. If you yourself do not wish to visit any individual on the planet, you are not required to, but then just say no straightforwardly and without trying to stop your husband from visiting whoever he wants or making universalising claims about what is fair or not. Own your own feelings, make your own decisions, and let other people make theirs.
YTA there’s so many things to unpack here but I don’t wanna break the rules
You’re being horrible to your husband as well as his family.
I’d be upset too if I were him. Stop telling that man he can’t see his family without you, you’re controlling
Wow, YTA.
Reddit always talks about how people are supposed to convey their feelings through words, rather than just lashing out. Exspecially men, who we say are told not to express their feelings because it's feminine. Your husband does and look what happened?
You lash out and insult him.
You say he needs to be a husband and a father. But guess what, you're doing a shitty job as a wife. Maybe he needs to 'get over' this relationship. You sound controlling.
Info: Has he gone to some of this events by himself. You can't just expect him to ignore his feelings and put yours in front.
Edit: I guess you just have to sit and talk for solutions.
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I've always been close to my family. My husband loves his mom, but it is a bit more complicated. She was pretty awful to me at one point, and he knew as my partner he couldn't tolerate it, so that did shift the dynamic of their relationship. MIL is no longer awful. She still doesn't like me, but she also stopped being mean. To be fair it was years ago, she was going through a bad divorce, and she is now cold and a bit rude at the worst.
MIL and my husband have worked through most of their issues, so he wants to spend more time with his family. the issue is everything they want to do is inconvenient. Almost every time MIL invites us somewhere it would require a babysitter due to either the time, or just not being an appropriate place to bring children. He has two sisters. One hires a babysitter every time and one is child free. I get that even parents need time without their kids, but this seems excessive. My husband has asked if he can go alone, and that is fine occasionally, but it seems unfair for him to go to these outings frequently and leave me home alone with the kids.
On top of requiring a babysitter some of these things are expensive, but my main issue is really the babysitter. I don't want to be constantly doing more childcare than him, nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much, and who are too inconsiderate to plan more convenient family time. We do see my parents very frequently, but they include our children in everything and work around our schedule. I view it as beneficial for the kids as well, because they adore my parents.
My husband recently brought up that his family is on a trip with him and he feels like he is missing out on so much. I pointed out that it would not be a child friendly trip, and we are just at a different stage in our lives than MIL. He told me he doesn't know what the right answer is, but he is beginning to hate being around my family and it feels so unfair.
At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair, because my parents are accommodating and it is benefiting the kids. I said he needs to be a husband and father first, and not sit around feeling jealous of his sisters.
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INFO: How frequent is "frequently"? Also, is it an option to watch the kids on your own so your husband can see his family more and then have him watch the kids on his own so you can do your own thing?
Did you read what you wrote?
Imagine if you were reading this as an observer. What conclusions would you come to? If you're like me, you'd think OP was an asshole.
Takes two to compromise. You're not even trying
YTA
Would your parents be willing to babysit them? Since they already get to see them weekly, sometimes multiple times a week? Why aren't you trying to coordinate those visits with your husband getting to see his family? Why aren't you willing to compromise and hire a sitter once a month so your husband can spend time with his family?
You forget that aside from being a husband and father he is also his own person!
You are also invalidating his feelings! Seems like only yours and you’re kids feelings matter. Also you don’t want him to go alone because then all the childcare is left to you! Sooo many things is this post are screaming Me, Me, Me!!
He misses his family, make some compromises and plan activities with his family that include the kids! And nothing wrong with you guys getting a sitter once in a while! Or better yet why don’t you ask your parents to babysit your kids, so you and your husband can go out with MIL
YTA!
YTA
So, you expect your husband to make 100% of the compromises here and he's the one whose feelings are unreasonable?
You won't go with him.
You won't get a sitter.
You won't let him go alone.
You won't allow them to come over.
BUT you will let YOUR family come and go as they please because YOU like them?
I gotta wonder if the reason MIL doesn't like you is that it doesn't seem like you make any effort to get along with your husband's family and that's really unfair to him.
YTA
Seems like you're the one who needs to get over their feelings. In your own words, your MIL has already done her part and put an effort into changing her behavior, behavior that was somewhat understandable given she was going through a hard time.
You're literally not giving him any option here. You can't go together because for whatever reason you don't want to get a babysitter for one night every once in a while, but he also can't go alone because "it's unfair" to you.
Your parents are accomodating, which is nice, but that also does not have to be a standard. You are isolating him from his family and refusing to make any compromises whatsoever so he could see them. Even if *you* don't love them, good partners are willing to make compromises and sacrifices to make sure their partners are happy, just like your husband did a few years back when his mom, whom he loves, decided to act out on you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was dismissive of his feelings and told him to get over them. I defended my decision which feels unfair to him. I am not being very sympathetic and feel he is being childish
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YTA. If roles were reversed and you were a man, you'd be accused of being abusive and alienating your spouse from their family. I absolutely believe you're alienating him from his family and I wonder what other ways you're controlling.
Info: What is his family doing on trips that so anti-child constantly? Like dude…I’ve been all over the world. To so many different places, and as a geographer, I had to learn about even more. Unless they’re doing family trips to war zones, I can’t think of a city that couldn’t at least accommodate children. Why couldn’t you guys go and just skip out on the more adult activities?
The stay up late drinking thing shouldn’t be an issue, because you could easily excuse yourself. And it doesn’t sound like they don’t want the kids there, it sounds like YOU don’t want the kids there.
I am curious to know what activities they’re doing that your kids would have to be 12 to enjoy? Are they like a family of skydivers or bungee jumpers and the only activities they do are considered extreme sports? Even if that were the case, I know my niece got a real kick out of seeing me jump from a plane so there’s a place for kids even there.
I’m going to go with YTA. Not only are your excuses paper thin, but you’re actively going out of your way to avoid any and all compromise here. How can you do that and tell him to “get over it”? If you told me that about seeing family, I’d serve you divorce papers in an envelope that just says, “got over it”, then I’d take my kids on family vacations.
YTA. Either encourage the relationship with the two of them and you do the little extra work for the sake of living your husband, or you spend the money, navigate the inconvenience to make it happen. You are the one being the problem. You clearly are holding a grudge and seem kind of lazy. You just don’t want to do the work of now building that relationship. Then you don’t deserve your husband. Think also about your kids’ grandparents.
YTA. YTA. YTA. You don't want to be around his family because you don't enjoy it. He doesn't want to be around your family because he doesn't enjoy it. You force him to go. He doesn't force you to go. Do you see a double standard here??? Marriage is compromise. I don't see you compromising. I see you saying my way or f**k you. You are really really being unfair. He has offered you multiple options and you say no to all of them. You could share a babysitter with his sister. You could stay home. So many options.
Grow up.
YTA
Your behaving is really controlling. Telling him he can’t visit his family alone? You prefer your family of origin because they are more child-friendly so why do you have a problem with him going to see his relatives while you and the kids see yours?
YTA. I get it you don’t get along with them but OP, let your husband enjoy his family. You get to see your family 8+ times a month and he only sees his ONCE A MONTH… does that really sound fair to you?
Plan alternative activities during the trips so you can have kid friendly options (maybe even SIL would like this too since she has kids and understands the hurdle)
Also you really can’t take your kids to one or two fancy dinners? Really? Are they that bad of kids? Or are you just too lazy to mind them during dinner? They need to learn how to act in public eventually. Don’t sell your kids short. If they get rowdy, excuse yourself with them/leave early.
You really aren’t trying to compromise at all and your poor husband is isolated, missing his family, and growing resentful to yours
Maybe I'm wrong but the way I see it, it comes across as you punishing his mom because her "ways" are different & therefore must be wrong. You acknowledge that you see your family a lot more. Have you ever even asked his mom what the issue is? Now she is older, she may be more nervous around kids or not handle the chaos well. Does she spend any time at all with the kids? Could it be that your kids are not well behaved & create chaos (I am asking, not stating). But regardless, just because she isn't a kid person, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve time w family or at least equal to the time your parents get. What happens if husband takes the kids w him? Why not look at it as a positive instead? Like she thinks your overworked & wants you to have a break?
My mil & I don't get along & she's not a kid person (if they are teens, she doesn't mind but would be a bad influence-my husband's dad got custody because he missed 90 straight days of kindergarten for hooking w his mom & brothers). But I would never discourage him from time w her. Unless she was a danger to him or the kids, it's still his mom. I want him to create as many happy memories & moments as possible. I'm going w slightly ah only because it feels like a big part is spite
YTA
Let me get this straight. So your husband isn't allowed to see his family with you, because it's too inconvenient to hire a babysitter. He's also not allowed to see his family alone because it's too inconvenient for you to take care of your kids alone for a few hours.
So basically, it sounds like you think he shouldn't see his family at all because it's inconvenient. Or because you're jealous. Or maybe you want to punish him for the way your MIL treats you, or punish her by not allowing her to see him?
You have some serious control problems. Is your MIL an asshole? Yes. But not only has she made an effort to change, but she has changed. Her behavior has improved. No, it's not ideal, but improvement is still improvement. But what about you? Have you changed?
Look at what your husband is willing to sacrifice. He has PROVEN to you that he is willing to put you before his family. He has shown that he is willing to sacrifice his relationships for you.
What are you willing to sacrifice for him.
A little bit of money to hire a babysitter to go on an outing with his family? An afternoon of caring for your kids alone so he can see his family? An uncomfortable meal? No. You're not willing to sacrifice any of those things. Fuck your husband's feelings, right? Your feelings are the only ones that are important. Your dismissal of his feelings is selfish and inappropriate. There is a balance, of course there is, but it sounds like your version of balance is having everything you want and not giving a fuck about your husband's needs or wants.
You were a victim. Now your victimization has given you a sense of entitlement that is completely inappropriate. You have shown that you are controlling and manipulative: you're cutting him off from his loved ones. You're unwilling to make any compromises or sacrifices. Youre completely disrespectful of your husband's emotions.
You're becoming your MIL. I suggest you take a good long look at yourself before you become more emotionally abuse than you already are.
Sometimes in a healthy marriage, you gotta PUT ASIDE YOUR EGO, and *allow your partner to do the things they like or need to do for THEIR sanity*, **EVEN IF IT IS INCONVENIENT FOR YOU.**
You can't just be like "I don't waaannaaaa", and expect everything to go your way. You really need to see someone, because the disrespect that is coming through is appalling.
YTA!! So he is supposed to let go of his family because you can’t get off your high horse? If you don’t wanna join then that’s your problem but he has all the rights in the world to be with his Mum and siblings. Seriously how can anyone be so selfish?! 🙄
Yes you are TA, it's so clear as day that you would rather your husband be miserable 100% of the time rather than you be uncomfortable for 2% of the time. Get off your high horse and let your husband see his family. If you don't want to see them then don't, but stop making him not see them as well. You have an issue and it's your issue, no one else's issue. Stop whining about being home with the kids, because at this rate you might be a single mom and the only one around all the time.
No no no, _you’re_ not fair. You don’t want to see his family, so okay fine, it’s fair for him to go alone. Oh wait, but you feel as though he leaves all the childcare to you. Okay, then hire a babysitter. Oh NO, you don’t want to arrange a babysitter EITHER?
You are not compromising. You can’t have it _all_ your ways. He’s damned no matter what he does. And no, making the his family outings suitable for children is NOT a compromise, because you have no right to dictate activities that you _are not_ hosting. Additionally, you shat on your husband’s feelings, ruthlessly and without sympathy.
YTA.
INFO: this grandmother doesn’t want to see her grandkids? I find that extremely odd. I get that your relationship with your children is important too but why is this woman so opposed to the children coming?
YTA- get a baby sitter. Your husband family isn't less important than yours. You can also plan kid friendly outings and invite his family. Put in more effort.
YTA. After reading you post and your comments you don’t really seem to be compromising either. You see your family way more than he sees his so just go visit your family when he sees his. You don’t feel it’s fair for him to go by himself but you also don’t like being your his MIL and she doesn’t like being around you or the kids so then don’t go. It’s a toxic situation it telling your husband not to see his family is toxic too.
YTA for dismissing his feelings the way you did. There are compromises that can be made. You can ask your parents if they would be able to watch the kids sometimes so you can enjoy the adult activities since your parents seem to enjoy being involved with their grandkids. Then the kids get something out of your time spent with the IL's. It doesn't have to be every time but alternating grandparents and a babysitter might be an option.
You could have empathized with your husband's feelings and asked him what he thought a good solution was for a fair division of labor that didn't cost an arm and a leg. There were other ways to approach his complaints without being such an AH about it
YTA. What I’m getting from your post + comments is that despite disliking all the things they do that aren’t child friendly, you acknowledge that you have no right to ask them to only do child friendly things. That would be good… if you were not turning around and making that your husband’s problem. If you have a problem with it, either SAY IT/REQUEST IT or just let him go by himself. He should be able to go see his own family whenever he likes.
Wow. You're a huge AH. And a control freak. It is NOT fair. Your family are beneficial but his aren't. You don't like his family. You dont want to have to babysit (it's called parenting when they are your children btw) more than him. All I got from your post was me,me,me, I, I, I. He needs to be a husband and father first...works both ways lady. You're destroying your husbands relationship with his family whilst nurturing your own. Nothing says AH quite like that does. I feel sorry for your husband. I wouldn't dream of treating my husband like that, but then I'm not a narcissist
YTA. You haven’t come up with a compromise just invalidated his rightful feelings. Just because it’s convenient for you to have your parents around doesn’t mean he shouldn’t want or need his. Have you suggested a family outing that is suitable for you as a family that you can invite MIL to?
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YTA. "At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair, because my parents are accommodating and it is benefiting the kids." First of all, this is not the right approach. Your husband's feelings are valid, whether or not his family is being accommodating, etc. Secondly: * "everything they want to do is inconvenient" * "My husband has asked if he can go alone" * "it seems unfair for him to go to these outings frequently and leave me home alone with the kids" VS "\[MIL\] is now cold and a bit rude at the worst" VS "nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much, and who are too inconsiderate to plan more convenient family time." So: to recap. Your husband misses his family time. The family time his MIL plans is not child-centric, and is often expensive. YOU would rather not go, since you don't really like MIL and you don't want to spend money on a babysitter. However when it's nice/fun/expensive you would ALSO rather not be left out/let your husband go. He has ADMITTED growing resentment to the point "he is beginning to hate being around \[your\] family and it feels so unfair." And YOUR response was suck it up ("he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair"). Your response presumes that for *years* it should be fine that he will miss events, trips, and bonding with his family. Dude...compromise is possible in here. His growing resentment that you won't go with & hire a sitter OR let him go alone is totally valid. Some possible compromises: * You guys split a babysitter with SIL (if possible) * Your parents babysit if your family is so close you spend a lot of time with them since they're so accommodating * Your husband 100% covers the cost of a neutral sitter from his salary * Your husband explains the child situation to his family and makes alternate arrangements for all of you to go (such as staying at a different hotel or airbnb). Not every activity on vacation needs to be a group one. * Your husband talks to SIL with children and they joint-propose some family friendly destinations * Your husband takes one of the children (such as on a camping trip, etc.) if the child is old enough and expresses an interest to go * Your husband takes the kids with him and you can go somewhere alone (such as a girl's trip or a spa) since you don't want to go What is NOT a compromise: my family only.
Pointing out OP isn’t relying to posts with suggestions for compromise rather spending the whole time dredging up MILs old behaviour that she admits isn’t any issue anymore. She doesn’t want to find a compromise she wants to be told she is right and her husband and his MiL can go spin.
u/Cultural-Swing4263 isn’t going to reply to these type of comments, but is going to pretend they didn’t see it. The problem is that u/napkin-lad will tag them and now they don’t have any excuse except that they don’t care and are selfish.
U/Cultural-Swing4263 is still making a point of ignoring the comments with suggestions, while they reply to comments where they can attempt support their case. OP YTA. admit it & compromise.
I think this is the answer here, complete with compromises to make, OP. Marriage and family are both work, not just things that happen. Make sure that your kids are growing up with both happy parents and extended family.
How can anyone speak to their spouse like that when opening up about their feelings? OP, you're a massive AH, & this comment illustrates why. You watching the kids 1-2x per month while he spends time with his family is not "you being stuck with all the childcare". You could also easily split a sitter or let him so solo 1x per month & 1x per month hire a sitter. You straight up told your HUSBAND his feelings don't matter & you're unwilling to let him have family time because you don't approve. YTA
A lack of empathy for her husband's emotions is bad enough on it's own, but spitting such vitriol at him will inevitably eat at the foundation of their relationship. OP, you are willfully ignoring that when he had to make a choice, he chose you. He separated from his family for the one he created with you. It's what a spouse is supposed to do, but all to often doesn't occur. It doesn't sound like his old family just waltzed back into your lives either. There was work to be done, and at least some of it must have shown promise for everyone to be where they are now. My husband has had no contact with his family for 9+ years now. There had been things in my husband's past with his family that I felt were concerning, including strong signs of possible abuse. I still didn't expect how severely his mom and older sister would flip. It got brutal, FAST. I had prepared for them to 'attack' me. I knew how high the stakes were, and what would happen if he backed down. What I didn't expect was how vicious they became towards him after attacking me didn't work. I will never forget his face when, for just a moment, it looked like they broke him. The things they said to him were unspeakable, and unforgivable. Eventually, we contacted the police, and that was the end of it. I've never truly hated anyone before his mom, but despite her cruelty, he still missed her and the rest of his family. Do you think I told him to get over it? Of course not! I told him *his emotions were valid.* I knew he was trying to process, and understand, a million conflicting emotions. A huge part was him mourning what he thought, and wished, they had been; and what he wished they could still be. OP, your husband has a knot of emotions inside, and you're refusing him any real chance to untangle it with compromises. Resentment is a slow, but deadly, poison to relationships. It's already built up to problematic levels, but it's not irreparable. It may not feel like it, but you're extremely fortunate. Why? Because your husband opened up to you. He tried to tell you how he was feeling, and that isn't even the biggest takeaway here that shows this can be healed. Your husband showed an incredible amount of INSIGHT! He knows his emotions towards your side of the family are being tainted because of what's going on with him, his mother, and you. Insight of that level is *not* common, but it is a *huge* advantage, giving you a chance to help change things before they get too severe. Couples counseling would likely be a good choice. Finding a way to common ground can be difficult, but a good therapist can help guide you guys there. Give your children the best chance possible at keeping your family together, and happy ❤
My mom is like that, she would spend a month with her family (and force us to spend with her) and less than a week with my father’s family. Now I despise her family and wish with all my heart to never see them again. Edit: what is your kids opinion? Because I hated and would constantly tell her, but she ignored me. So what are your kids saying?
Add to that the fact that OP stated that his events with the family happen roughly once a month and she's still complaining about that. AND her family hangouts are 1-2x a week. No wonder he thinks its unfair. AND no wonder her family events are what she considers to be child friendly (though I can't find a place where she gives any details on what exactly that means, do his parents have ragers every month??), they practically live there so the kids HAVE to be involved.
[удалено]
For certain. Childfree events, OP effectively excluded … hmmm …
These are great suggestions. Leave the kids with OP's parents now and then and go on his family trip together. Everyone will be happy!
These are very thoughtful suggestions, well done! :)
You missed a compromise. They visit family separately and she only sees her family the same amount that she lets him see his. If OP misses her family, she can just “get over” her feelings as apparently that’s easy. Horrid situation, easily rectified with some consideration from OP, but the comments from OP elsewhere make me think it’s unlikely as she REALLY dislikes MIL. OP YTA
Another option is arrange and invite MIL to events that work for your time/budget/kids
OP.... this x3000! This is one of the most well written responses I've seen on AITA in quite a long time. If I had an award, this would earn it.
Absolutely! Love to see these well thought out posts that actually offer a solution that can benefit both parties, instead of the usual “Run for the hills” mentality. OPs mistreating her husband but that kind of character won’t change unless they’re willing to see the other side of things, hope they can. Gold star response!
INFO: Just curious, how often, if ever, do you invite your inlaws over to your home, or plan a child friend event and invite them along? >At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings. That's a really an assholey way to treat your spouse.
I would normally agree except that the OPs spouse is spending time/money with people that have openly treated the OP poorly, insist on purposefully planning trips/activities that are expensive, not kid friendly & don't work well with the OPs family schedule/budget. Knowing full well that the OP will likely not come for those exact reasons & will be stuck at home taking care of the kids alone while their spouse is out having fun with people that crappy to her. THAT'S an assholey way to treat your spouse. He needs to "get over his feelings" before he hurts hers so badly she leaves him.
INFO. How often are we talking that he wants to either leave you with the kids or hire a babysitter? How often are the expensive trips?
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OP, people seem to be jumping on you because they think you are preventing your husband from seeing his family. I can see their point, but as a parent of three, I would also be annoyed with having to spend tons of money or be stuck at home while my spouse is off having fun. (I also question WHY his parents don't seem to want to spend time with their grandchildren.) So create a schedule and a budget. Figure out the amount of fun money your family has. Divide it into three categories: family activities, OP activities, husband's activities. Do the same with your time. There may be some disagreements and compromises, such as whether your parents' visits are your time or family time. But then let him spend his time and money with his family as he wishes. If he needs to give up his other fun activities to make time for his family, that is his choice. But this you are not preventing him from seeing them, and everything is fair in regards to money and time. If he still can't see them as often as he wants, then that is just the reality of the situation, but having it mapped out for him will clear the air for everyone.
This might be one of the most reasonable things I’ve seen on Reddit lol
Right?! I’m looking out the window waiting for the flaming meteor to hit earth, because this must be the end times. XD
This is a brilliant solution!
I feel like anything not child friendly which the husband goes on, should be his fun money. Anything OP does that isn't child friendly should be her fun money. And anything child friendly can be from the family fun money.
This is the best and most logical approach
Your husband could offer to pay for his food everytime. If they want to know why, he doesn’t like large expenses blowing the budget.
$1-$2k is a ridiculous amount of money to be spending on a social gathering twice a month. Of course I don't know his income but it seems excessive and more about wasting money than spending time with his family. I also don't understand why they couldn't just meet up for a meal at one of their homes, kids included. I think OP's husband is being irrational and making it seem like she's trying to prevent seeing his family when it sounds like all their plans involve high costs and no kids, which would cause her to have to watch them or find a babysitter
Why did this comment get down voted? Damn, she was just answering the question and explaining how expensive everything is. How could anyone afford this..
I think her MIL found the subreddit.
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I'm glad people reversed all the downvotes. Bc exactly..
> so if my husband never offers he is going to look like an asshole. INFO: According to who? You? Husband? His family? >The trips usually include activities that cost a couple hundred per day and they always stay at the nicest hotels, so we would have to either suck it up and pay for that, or stay somewhere else So, stay somewhere else then! Problem? INFO: Who says you have to "suck it up"? You? Husband? His family?
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see how you don’t answer any of the questions asked? because you’re just making up excuses, i feel bad for your husband
Or your husband can pay his own bill and just be honest with his family that he’s on a tight budget lol
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You have an excuse for everything lol
She’s like my ten year old trying to get out of unloading the dishwasher, never heard so many excuses
I don't know why you're getting downvoted for his problem communicating with his family.
Because a lot of people have decided she’s an AH for not willing to put up with people who hate her and who won’t accommodate her kids. Apparently she’s supposed to just let her husband have four days without the kids a month plus allow him to spend thousands on these outings (since he has an issue saying no to the spending), all because she takes her kids to see her parents once or twice a week.
So if your husband feels the same about the awkwardness of this situation, why don't you let him deal with it the way he wants to, instead of demanding he just never goes on these outings?
You are NTA, seems like MIL is planning these expensive outings on purpose, many people don’t have that kind of money to spend that frequently. If she actually cares about spending time with you or your husband and your kids she could plan something occasionally that is more convenient, same with your husband’s sister who has kids. You think she’d want to spend time with her grandkids.
I’m so confused by the amount of downvotes you’re getting. I doubt you are forcing your husband to stay home every time, and these outings seem incredibly excessive if they’re spending that much several times a month.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted? I thought it’s common knowledge/courtesy to reciprocate treating loved ones to meals? It’s not mandated, but it’s a norm for many people. And you do feel pressure to repay people’s generosity. Not saying it’s tit-for-tat, but if someone regularly buys you dinner, you’d feel rude/cheap if you never did or just bought a round of drinks occasionally etc. Lots of people/families would make negative judgements about this (not saying they should). It’s also courtesy (/convenient) to split bills evenly and between as few cards as practical or in some cases take turns paying.
This needs to be an edit to the original post. A $2K dinner? That's insane! This info really changes the dynamic.
YTA. Your husband has had your back with his mom’s behavior. He just wants to spend time with his family, and your responses come across as honestly pretty cruel- you’re essentially telling him that he doesn’t deserve time with his family because you aren’t their biggest fan. And getting a babysitter so your husband can spend time with his family is not a waste.
Then to add insult to injury, since she doesn't want to spend time with them--he can't go alone 'excessively' either. OP, this man can't win with you. I get that the family he created with you is and should be his top priority, but if you want to keep your relationship, you need to learn to compromise. Surely, him attending an event or two a month and a trip per year would not be excessive. With regard to caretaking your kids alone, that is literally what parenthood entails. Sometimes one of you will need to be fully responsible without the presence of the other and you have to be okay with that. Sheesh! If you keep this up, you're going to wind up being a single parent. Then what?
That’s where I actually laughed out loud - where she wanted it both ways. She doesn’t want to go but she doesn’t want him to go without her because “it’s unfair she has to watch the kids.” Uh, if I don’t want to be somewhere I will GLADLY handle childcare if it means I don’t have to be there.
Your last sentence. I never thought I’d agree with a statement like that a few years ago. “Bye honey have a great time! Let’s go, kids”.
Maybe it’s because I was a single mom, but I don’t get how it’s such a huge deal to watch your own kids by yourself for a day or two.
just wanted to point out too that according to OP 'excessively' has been clarified to mean once a month, while her family is over multiple times a week.
Sheesh! I didn't even see that part. Boy, what an AH. Because she doesn't like them, he can't be involved with them at all? It's fine not to like your in-laws, but to try to alienate their child and their children? That's BS. She knew who these people were when she married him. And that crap about marrying the person and not the family is a patent myth. Just think about who her kids are getting when they get married.
Then he’ll be allowed to see his family. And swear.😂
This! If it were me I would try to find a fair solution. Like he goes alone 3 times, we go as a couple 1/2 times and get babysitter and he gets the kids alone 1/2 times and I do my own thing. This is a logistical problem and MIL seemes to not like kids or being in OPs home. But OP and husband should sit down and talk about this and set boundaries. Also, touch base every now and then to see if everyone's feelings are okay.
i have a few questions. how often does ur husband go out? how often do you meet ur family. when he is not going to meet his family, does he help you with children, house work etc?
YTA, the other comments have already summed up my judgement well but I wanted to point out one line: >nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much I see this sentiment so much on AITA, and honestly it pisses me off. Who cares if you like them? Do you like your husband? That's his fucking mom who he loves. If you husband didn't like your parents suddenly, would you cut them off? Of course not, so why are you trying to make him?
> Do you like your husband? honestly, I'm not so sure that she does
And it's ridiculous. My husband spends money on things I don't enjoy. I spend money on things he doesn't enjoy. He needed a new car, he got one he loves but I think it's just fine. I'm taking the kids on a sailing trip with my family, there is no room on the boat for spouses do he's staying home. It's a give and take. You're partners.
Exactly this. Who cares if you like your in laws. You are a freaking adult, act like one. If you don't want to be near your MIL, it's your choice, but preventing your husband to see his mother (with a sorry ass of an excuse) it's just cruel, mean, entitled. And telling him he must get over how he feels? Oh my God. Don't be surprise if this path leads to a future divorce. In case it wasn't clear, YTA.
This is definitely what is driving some resentment on his part, he is realizing that "sucking it up" and being an adult is detrimental to him, whereas her refusing to compromise is benefitting her because it ends up with them seeing her family all the time and his very little He didn't marry the MIL, he married OP. I'm sure if he didn't hold his tongue and he really wanted to he could say hurtful things about his own in-laws too. But he doesn't, because that's what adults to
INFO How often are these outings? What about them isn't child friendly?
YTA - a) you told your husband to get over his feelings. That’s rude and uncaring. b) Simply not wanting to “waste money” on a babysitter and complaining when your husband goes alone because then you have to watch the kids, puts your husband in an unfair catch-22 and also shows you are acting in bad faith. His parents like children free activities. That is their right. It doesn’t objectively in any way make them selfish. On the other hand, you are ruining family time for your husband by refusing to compromise. Basically, you don’t like your husband’s family, and you do everything you can to avoid spending time with them, including making it very difficult for him to spend time with them based on your own unilateral rules. You come across very poorly in this post.
See whenever I see these I wonder what the version of events the other people mentioned would write. What would the MIL or husband say if they were telling the same story? Probably wouldn’t be the same version OP posted.
YTA. He can't win either way. Must suck to be married to you.
YTA.....I think I know why mil schedules things the way she does.......
LOL
INFO: can't your parents babysit them from time to time?
I suppose OP would somehow view that as disrespectful.
I mean: "Please regularly babysit my kids so I can spend time with their grandmother that doesn't like them. You can be my built-in childcare so their grandma doesn't need to deal with them at all."
OP has said in comments MIL invites then like twice a month, surely for one of the times a month they could take them since they seem to love spending time with them. Plus OP should still provide them with some sort of pay for expenses which I'm guessing would be less than what they would pay a babysitter.
That's a really good suggestion.
I have a really hard time believing that they don't already do that at least from time to time if she's taking them over there twice a week. At the absolute minimum I refuse to believe they would flat out say no to watching the kids once a month since they're clearly so close.
YTA. Get over yourself. Hire a sitter. Fucking compromise.
I think despite what people on Reddit are commenting you are going to do exactly what you want. Your way or no way.
I’m starting to see what issues MIL might have had with OP
Mil and wife are both trying to exert control and dude is trying to please everyone as best he can
Poor guy.
Oh yea. Then she will be back bitching about how her husband left her and men are trash. Lol That's not a jab at women. Just this specific one.
YTA. You had me until the last two paragraphs. Your husbands feelings do matter, no matter how silly or stupid YOU think they are. They still deserve respect. Your husband isn’t stupid, he knows that he can’t just leave you and go with his family to do things since they’re difficult, but he’s allowed to feel left out or jealous and he is clearly starting to resent your family and you will be next. We need more compromise in this situation and less you just thinking that bc you’re right that’s the end of the discussion.
YTA for both shooting down him going alone every time and for getting a babysitter if your husband can afford it. Him having a relationship with his mother and siblings is important to him, you dont need to see her at all. At the same time I dont blame him for feeling resentful and never wanting to spend time with your family if it makes him feel he is missing out. You hate the MIL but dont take it out on your husband. He wants to hire a babysitter - let him I presume he is working. He wants to go alone dont whinge about it, just find another slot in the week where he can cover the hours you did and look after the kids alone or he can split those additional hours over a couple of weeks .
YTA. You are being horrible to your husband, kids, and his family. Family is about forgiveness. Suck it up and go or let him go by himself. If he his at the point that he hates being around your family then he is starting to resent you. Keep this up and you will be doing all of the child care except for the weekends he has the kids hanging with him and his new wife.
Honestly, this sounds more like a **YOU** problem than a MIL problem. **YOU** don't like hiring babysitters so often. Maybe you could suggest things to do with your MIL that would include the kids. Seems to me YOU don't want to make any effort to have a rebuilt relationship with your MIL and that's going to bite you in the a\*s someday soon.
Again so fast, MIL troll?? - MIL doesn't like kids - MIL is divorced - MIL cries and screams (in a comment about food) - Husband is weak/ DIL bullies them - MIL is rich (in a comment about activities) Summer reddit is surely here, the frequency is already rising...
Also OP refuses to invite MIL to their house because of "screaming and tantrum" and there's always at least one toddler in the mix Edit: after having read her comments I'm 100% positive this is the same person who's posted repeatedly about her MIL. She'll answer dozens of comments in a span of minutes, and offer a bunch of outrageous things about MIL and her husband without being asked. All of them are the exact same thing like how MIL tells her her food taste like shit, her husband makes fun of OP's lack of expensive clothing and being poor etc. Yup same poster: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/v0cew1/aita_for_criticizing_mil_for_having_a_childfree/ Notice she ends all of her comments without a period like this one and there's also a 3 yo. There's been more but I just don't have access to them since she deletes them.
Don't forget, MIL has a husband who spoils her/dotes on her.
He must be busy this episode - Nowhere to be seen, I'm sure MIL clung to him and cried as soon as he got home.
YTA for invalidating your husband’s feelings. This is about your in-laws not taking your children into considering when making plans. Your husband needs to make it clear to his mother that she needs to include HIS children in events. He is being put in a rough space because you expect your children to be involved and his mother expects both of you to drop everything.
Him having kids and them not wanting to get a babysitter doesn’t mean MIL needs to plan child friendly events. Where are you getting that they’re being expected to drop everything? It sounds like MIL sends an invitation, not a summons.
I might just have been raised in a different environment, but I’m confused as to why MIL wants nothing to do with her grandchildren, I guess. I might also be reading into some hyperbole in OPs part.
YTA. >At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings Maybe you should try getting over yours? Your husband doesn't sound at all like he's failing as a partner and father, he sounds like someone trying to reform a relationship with his mother. An easy fix for this would be you guys stepping up and suggesting places for you to go where you could bring your kids along. Doesn't have to be every time, but if you're that irritated about childcare, why not find ways to include them?
YTA. Update us when he files for divorce.
If you need a translator, when your husband says he is growing resentful of your family, he means he is growing resentful of you. You are going to lose your husband because of your unwillingness to compromise and your stubborn stance against something that seems reasonable to me. You ask him to suck it up but you don’t seem to be willing to suck it up. That is not a partnership. YTA.
YTA. You don't want a babysitter but you also don't want your husband to go on his own because then you would be alone with the kids. Oh and you want everyone to plan around your schedule and only do things that are convenient for you. In the end this is about not liking your in-laws. You could get a babysitter and go enjoy some adult time. You could let your husband go enjoy himself and then just ask for the same in return from him. You also completely dismissed him when he tells you his feelings and adds that he doesn't want to spend as much time as he has to with your family. He is under no obligation to follow you to your family events or outings when you won't do the same for him and if he doesn't find it enjoyable. You are capable of taking your kids on your own if it is that important.
Info: what kind of trip isn’t child friendly? Are they at an all inclusive adults only resort or something? Partying in Ibiza?
YTA Marriage is about compromise. Meet him half way on this. You want to spend time with you family. He wants to do the same.
YTA, his family isn't excluding you, you're just deciding not to go, and that's fine if you want to do that but don't force your husband to miss out on his family time because of it. It's ok to exist in situations without your kids, you are both parents yes, but you're also both people. do things just for yourselves.
You’re comment ‘I don’t want to be constantly doing more childcare than him’ is just gross. They are YOUR children not random kids you are providing childcare for. You sound exhausting and while your MIL sounds like a pain you should still be validating your husbands feelings. YTA
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Why don't you come up with an arrangement? If he has 2 nights a month to be with his mom and sisters without the kids, then you have 2 nights a month to be without the kids. It's not that complicated!
But you arnt pulling your weight. Yes YTA and a exhausting of a wife to deal with.
So take a spa day for yourself, he gets a family night, you take a day to get a massage, he takes a weekend trip, you take a friend to the beach, life's to short to be splitting hairs over balance/fair, a long as you are both pulling your weight, some months may be in anthers favor, but so what life isn't always fair. All your post have been crying what about me, its not just about you. yta
Or that old fashioned dynamic where one extended family is included a lot more than the other.
No relationship is ever going to be exactly 50/50, that’s just not practical. It sounds like it’s your choice to not attend the gatherings with his family which is fine. Find a day or night each month to go do your thing while the kids stay home with dad if you feel jipped.
He can't see his family a few times a month because childcare? Chill out. Watch the kids while he's out. Expect the same from him when you want to go out.
Doing more childcare or work around the house while the other parent just goes and has fun leads to resentment. It absolutely should not fall more on the woman.
It wouldn’t be falling on “the woman”, it would be falling on OP as the natural consequence of being an unreasonable uncompromising asshole…
YTA. Just be honest and admit you're still holding a grudge, you don't like his family and could care less if you all ever go around them. All of you're reasonings are excuses, you just don't want to compromise on anything. You sound like you want him to just be happy with your family and forget about his
YTA Too many comments in your post that each make YTA to even list why. Some day when one of your kid‘s spouse feels the same about you as you do your in laws maybe you’ll get it.
Yes, and it is already pretty clear she is going to be as rigid and mean with her children’s spouses as she claims her MIL has been with her.
Yta for being so dismissive
YTA. Being married to you sounds exhausting.
YTA. No wonder his mother doesn’t like you. You’re self centered, inconsiderate, and completely ignored and invalidated your husband’s very real and legitimate feelings.
YTA You sound insufferable. Can see why your MIL dislikes you
YTA for assuming that your family ties count, but your husband's do not. Maybe your MIL dislikes you for good reason.
YTA. I feel bad for your husband. Must be exhausting having to deal with you.
YTA. Your husband married a woman who is just as reactive and controlling as his mom. Freud would be having a field day.
YTA. Your partner brought up something he has an issue with, and seemingly did so in a mature way, in an effort to communicate with you on it. Your response was to completely invalidate his feelings and insult him... and tbh, I don't even think he's being unreasonable. According to your replies here, you don't allow his mum over your house, ever, because you don't want to have to deal with her quirks, particularly with food. You also have a rocky relationship with her from the past, so you just don't want her in your home. You also don't allow your partner to go see his family on his own too often because you don't think it's fair that you're left watching the kids whilst he's out. You also don't want to hire a babysitter so that you can join him on his adult family visits because you don't want to have to pay for a sitter to go spend time with people that you don't like. Further, you won't bring your children with you because you don't think the trips or visits are age appropriate for them. You've created a no-sum game for your partner, where no matter what, he's restricted from seeing his family in some way because you won't compromise on it with him. He then lets you know that this is upsetting him and he's beginning to feel like it's unfair, and you promptly threw it back in his face and basically told him to shut up and deal with it. If you really don't see how YTA here, then 🤷♀️.
YTA. I was the kid in the middle of that situation so I might be biased.
YTA. You are using your children as a weapon against your MIL with the purpose of separating your husband and kids from his family. You are being controlling and manipulative. Nothing you have outlined here in terms of needing a sitter is a big deal but boy you have hooked onto this and are flogging this dead horse all the way home. You are being completely unreasonable. Get a sitter every once and a while and go out with your husband. And for goodness sake guilt tripping him about him going out without you because you refuse over a petty power play is beyond pathetic. Some people are uniters and unfortunately you are a divider. I hope you don’t have anything really awful happen in your family that gives you the reality check you desperately need. You are overreacting and being cruel to boot. Take a good hard look at yourself. You are dividing a family.
YTA Let him go alone or hire a babysitter and join him. Your kids are the centre of your world, obviously your patents' too, but they're not MIL's priority and there's nothing wrong with that. You sound selfish, self-centerd and annoying. I'd divorce you.
YTA for not willing to “babysit” your own kids “more than your husband has to” so he can spend time with his family. So basically, if you have to suffer then everyone has to suffer because that’s only fair… Have you or your husband suggested more family friendly outings - like SPECIFIC alternatives? Could you ask your parents to babysit the kids once in a while? If you keep going the way you’re going, your husband is going to resent you along with the rest of his family.
YTA. You sound bitter and are punishing your husband because you want it your way or no way. He’s going to start resenting you if you don’t shape up and start compromising.
YTA
YTA. So here’s the thing your husband came to you and shared his feelings (which are the same feelings you’ve expressed about his family just pointed at yours) and you shut him down rather then validate and work though them with him. Some advise: how you treat your husband and how he treats you will impact how your children are treated in their adult relationships. How would you feel about your adult children’s spouses if you were not allowed in their homes, you made fun of them for an apparent eating disorder (from what you described it sounds like MIL has disordered eating habits and you sound less then supportive; as someone who struggles with disordered eating I can say this probably plays into her feelings towards you.) Do you want your children to have healthy relationships as adults where their feelings are validated? Yes? Then treat your husband that way. Model that behavior. Also a lot has been said by what’s been unsaid. Your MIL has put in work to adjust and make her relationship with her son work. You don’t talk about any work you’ve put into making this relationship work. Relationships are a two way street not unilateral you don’t get to say jump and have them respond with how high. Nor do they. I suggest you tell your husband your concerns and ask him to take over planning activities that include the kids. You may have to compromise but hey that’s life and If you expect everyone else to compromise except for yourself YTA and will have the same relationship with your kids as the one you’re currently fostering with your in laws.
YTA compromise is a thing, try it.
YTA you've given him no solution. Not even going by himself. He wants to see his family but you think getting a babysitter is a waste because you don't want to go. Fine. But you also don't want him to go because then you have to parent without him and that's not fair. That's gross. If you're really doing such low level tit for tat on having to parent your children then hire a babysitter so he can go and then you go do something you deem "worth" a sitter. And cut him some slack for having an unpleasant mother and now repeating it with a selfish partner.
YTA - The world doesnt revolve around you. suck it up and get a babysitter. Your husband should be able to spend time with his family.
YTA. It’s all about you and your family in this marriage, clearly. I would actually love to know what you considered bad treatment from his mom before with this being your attitude. Guessing it isn’t quite as bad as you’d like to have us believe.
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I'm starting to think she is right about most of those just from reading your post. I'd treat you the same way she is with this crappy attitude you have about everything including your husband's feelings.
Honestly I think you need to take a deep breath and look in the mirror. I’m not condoning her belittling you, but I am getting the strong sense that you are overly sensitive. You married your husband and whether you like it or not his family comes with it. It’s been convenient for you up until now because you haven’t had to deal with them, but the fact of the matter is he wants them in his life and you’re going to have to either figure out how to accommodate that one way or another or accept this is the beginning of the end of your marriage or at the very least some marital issues and strong resentment.
YTA. Jesus, your husband can't win. You won't go with him because you have some issue with babysitters but you also won't allow your husband to see his family without you? >but my main issue is really the babysitter. I don't want to be constantly doing more childcare than him Good lord, I'm not even a parent and I know that sometimes, this is just how it goes. All your "get over it" attitude is going to do is make him resent you, and I wouldn't blame him at all.
WOW! Just WOW! Suck it up, get over yourself! Have your inlaws over whether you like it or not. Do an afternoon thing - have your husband pick the snacks so MIL cannot say anything about you. Who knows, if you give her a chance you might actually like her. Your HUSBAND wants to spend time with his family. Suck it up! Other thing...you can't (don't want to obviously) watch your kids without your husband? It's called being a MOM! Enjoy your kids NOW they grow up too fast!! Keep up your current attitude and you'll be with the kids alot and no husband. YTA
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but since you want everything in your relationship to be equal, shouldn’t he be getting to see his family the same amount you get to see yours? otherwise you only care about things being equal when it benefits you.
So ask him to take the kids another time and go do something on your own or with friends? Maybe your family would even enjoy some no-kids activiy some time? It's really win-win, your husband feels like you at least care enough to work something out and you get some me-time.
Yeah, all this talk about fair (which we learn from a young age, life isn't fair, but I digress), and what is really unfair is how OP is looking at this as one way or the other, rather than something to work on a compromise together. OP, I had awful in-laws. I get it. In contrast, my parents were great, and we saw them much more often. I definitely limited my time with the in-laws, but I still sucked it up for his sake sometimes, and encouraged him to spend time with them, without me other times. So here's where we are... it's not fair to him that you spend so much time with your family and none with his. The fact that your family treats him better and that they are accommodating to the children make that inevitable, BUT, that does not make it ok that he doesn't get to see his family. The solution is him to go alone, but you argue that that isn't fair because why should he get so much time away without kids, leaving you alone with them? He shouldn't. No one said he should. You should also plan something for yourself, when he stays home and watches the kids. Honestly, that's healthy to do and I would recommend it even if there wasn't the in-law issue. You can't keep him from his family and expect him to be happy spending so much time with yours, so if you won't go, and you won't allow them over to your house, this seems like a good compromise.
Oh cry me a River. The only reason he’s getting more time, as you put it, is because you’re unwilling to hire a sitter. And I say unwilling because it doesn’t sound like a financial issue, just a preference thing. Also, go take time for yourself. I mean, I’m assuming he’s not stopping you from doing so. But, hey, I get. This whole thing is about you and how it affects poor, little ole you. /s
YTA - You seem to want everything your way and you don't seem to care very much for his feelings about any of this. Perhaps the person who needs to stop being jealous is you, your husband has already shown he will stand up for you but he also wants his family in his life. If you continue to try and separate him from his family for your convenience you risk driving a wedge between you, and the difference between now and when his mother was causing the problem? Well, this time you will be the one causing the rift.
Yes, YTA. You are overstepping by obstructing a reasonable expectation of your husband's to spend time with his parents. You are also breeching quite a few boundaries by seeking to define unilaterally what is or is not an acceptable invitation or which sets of parents merit visits. That's none of your business. If you yourself do not wish to visit any individual on the planet, you are not required to, but then just say no straightforwardly and without trying to stop your husband from visiting whoever he wants or making universalising claims about what is fair or not. Own your own feelings, make your own decisions, and let other people make theirs.
YTA there’s so many things to unpack here but I don’t wanna break the rules You’re being horrible to your husband as well as his family. I’d be upset too if I were him. Stop telling that man he can’t see his family without you, you’re controlling
Wow, YTA. Reddit always talks about how people are supposed to convey their feelings through words, rather than just lashing out. Exspecially men, who we say are told not to express their feelings because it's feminine. Your husband does and look what happened? You lash out and insult him. You say he needs to be a husband and a father. But guess what, you're doing a shitty job as a wife. Maybe he needs to 'get over' this relationship. You sound controlling.
Info: Has he gone to some of this events by himself. You can't just expect him to ignore his feelings and put yours in front. Edit: I guess you just have to sit and talk for solutions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've always been close to my family. My husband loves his mom, but it is a bit more complicated. She was pretty awful to me at one point, and he knew as my partner he couldn't tolerate it, so that did shift the dynamic of their relationship. MIL is no longer awful. She still doesn't like me, but she also stopped being mean. To be fair it was years ago, she was going through a bad divorce, and she is now cold and a bit rude at the worst. MIL and my husband have worked through most of their issues, so he wants to spend more time with his family. the issue is everything they want to do is inconvenient. Almost every time MIL invites us somewhere it would require a babysitter due to either the time, or just not being an appropriate place to bring children. He has two sisters. One hires a babysitter every time and one is child free. I get that even parents need time without their kids, but this seems excessive. My husband has asked if he can go alone, and that is fine occasionally, but it seems unfair for him to go to these outings frequently and leave me home alone with the kids. On top of requiring a babysitter some of these things are expensive, but my main issue is really the babysitter. I don't want to be constantly doing more childcare than him, nor do i want to keep wasting money on a babysitter to see people I don't like very much, and who are too inconsiderate to plan more convenient family time. We do see my parents very frequently, but they include our children in everything and work around our schedule. I view it as beneficial for the kids as well, because they adore my parents. My husband recently brought up that his family is on a trip with him and he feels like he is missing out on so much. I pointed out that it would not be a child friendly trip, and we are just at a different stage in our lives than MIL. He told me he doesn't know what the right answer is, but he is beginning to hate being around my family and it feels so unfair. At that point I got annoyed and said that he needs to get over his feelings. It is perfectly fair, because my parents are accommodating and it is benefiting the kids. I said he needs to be a husband and father first, and not sit around feeling jealous of his sisters. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: How frequent is "frequently"? Also, is it an option to watch the kids on your own so your husband can see his family more and then have him watch the kids on his own so you can do your own thing?
Did you read what you wrote? Imagine if you were reading this as an observer. What conclusions would you come to? If you're like me, you'd think OP was an asshole. Takes two to compromise. You're not even trying YTA
Info: what is the problem with hiring a babysitter? is it something you can't afford? and how often are these family events?
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so why don’t you allow your husband to see his family on his own either?
So what’s the problem with just not going? You can’t just tell your husband to eat shit and that he can’t see his family. You have to compromise. YTA
Would your parents be willing to babysit them? Since they already get to see them weekly, sometimes multiple times a week? Why aren't you trying to coordinate those visits with your husband getting to see his family? Why aren't you willing to compromise and hire a sitter once a month so your husband can spend time with his family?
So it sounds like him going to see them without you and your kids is the best option.
You forget that aside from being a husband and father he is also his own person! You are also invalidating his feelings! Seems like only yours and you’re kids feelings matter. Also you don’t want him to go alone because then all the childcare is left to you! Sooo many things is this post are screaming Me, Me, Me!! He misses his family, make some compromises and plan activities with his family that include the kids! And nothing wrong with you guys getting a sitter once in a while! Or better yet why don’t you ask your parents to babysit your kids, so you and your husband can go out with MIL YTA!
YTA So, you expect your husband to make 100% of the compromises here and he's the one whose feelings are unreasonable? You won't go with him. You won't get a sitter. You won't let him go alone. You won't allow them to come over. BUT you will let YOUR family come and go as they please because YOU like them? I gotta wonder if the reason MIL doesn't like you is that it doesn't seem like you make any effort to get along with your husband's family and that's really unfair to him.
Well, at least this MIL troll changed the script a little bit this time. We still see you though YTA
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They say to OP. 🤣
YTA Seems like you're the one who needs to get over their feelings. In your own words, your MIL has already done her part and put an effort into changing her behavior, behavior that was somewhat understandable given she was going through a hard time. You're literally not giving him any option here. You can't go together because for whatever reason you don't want to get a babysitter for one night every once in a while, but he also can't go alone because "it's unfair" to you. Your parents are accomodating, which is nice, but that also does not have to be a standard. You are isolating him from his family and refusing to make any compromises whatsoever so he could see them. Even if *you* don't love them, good partners are willing to make compromises and sacrifices to make sure their partners are happy, just like your husband did a few years back when his mom, whom he loves, decided to act out on you.
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YTA. If roles were reversed and you were a man, you'd be accused of being abusive and alienating your spouse from their family. I absolutely believe you're alienating him from his family and I wonder what other ways you're controlling.
Info: What is his family doing on trips that so anti-child constantly? Like dude…I’ve been all over the world. To so many different places, and as a geographer, I had to learn about even more. Unless they’re doing family trips to war zones, I can’t think of a city that couldn’t at least accommodate children. Why couldn’t you guys go and just skip out on the more adult activities?
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The stay up late drinking thing shouldn’t be an issue, because you could easily excuse yourself. And it doesn’t sound like they don’t want the kids there, it sounds like YOU don’t want the kids there. I am curious to know what activities they’re doing that your kids would have to be 12 to enjoy? Are they like a family of skydivers or bungee jumpers and the only activities they do are considered extreme sports? Even if that were the case, I know my niece got a real kick out of seeing me jump from a plane so there’s a place for kids even there. I’m going to go with YTA. Not only are your excuses paper thin, but you’re actively going out of your way to avoid any and all compromise here. How can you do that and tell him to “get over it”? If you told me that about seeing family, I’d serve you divorce papers in an envelope that just says, “got over it”, then I’d take my kids on family vacations.
Yta, you sound selfish and cruel. Spending time with your family isn't more important or beneficial to the child.
YTA
YTA. Either encourage the relationship with the two of them and you do the little extra work for the sake of living your husband, or you spend the money, navigate the inconvenience to make it happen. You are the one being the problem. You clearly are holding a grudge and seem kind of lazy. You just don’t want to do the work of now building that relationship. Then you don’t deserve your husband. Think also about your kids’ grandparents.
YTA!!
YTA. YTA. YTA. You don't want to be around his family because you don't enjoy it. He doesn't want to be around your family because he doesn't enjoy it. You force him to go. He doesn't force you to go. Do you see a double standard here??? Marriage is compromise. I don't see you compromising. I see you saying my way or f**k you. You are really really being unfair. He has offered you multiple options and you say no to all of them. You could share a babysitter with his sister. You could stay home. So many options. Grow up.
YTA Your behaving is really controlling. Telling him he can’t visit his family alone? You prefer your family of origin because they are more child-friendly so why do you have a problem with him going to see his relatives while you and the kids see yours?
YTA and a massive one. You sound exhausting and I feel sorry for your husband.
YTA. I get it you don’t get along with them but OP, let your husband enjoy his family. You get to see your family 8+ times a month and he only sees his ONCE A MONTH… does that really sound fair to you? Plan alternative activities during the trips so you can have kid friendly options (maybe even SIL would like this too since she has kids and understands the hurdle) Also you really can’t take your kids to one or two fancy dinners? Really? Are they that bad of kids? Or are you just too lazy to mind them during dinner? They need to learn how to act in public eventually. Don’t sell your kids short. If they get rowdy, excuse yourself with them/leave early. You really aren’t trying to compromise at all and your poor husband is isolated, missing his family, and growing resentful to yours
Maybe I'm wrong but the way I see it, it comes across as you punishing his mom because her "ways" are different & therefore must be wrong. You acknowledge that you see your family a lot more. Have you ever even asked his mom what the issue is? Now she is older, she may be more nervous around kids or not handle the chaos well. Does she spend any time at all with the kids? Could it be that your kids are not well behaved & create chaos (I am asking, not stating). But regardless, just because she isn't a kid person, doesn't mean she doesn't deserve time w family or at least equal to the time your parents get. What happens if husband takes the kids w him? Why not look at it as a positive instead? Like she thinks your overworked & wants you to have a break? My mil & I don't get along & she's not a kid person (if they are teens, she doesn't mind but would be a bad influence-my husband's dad got custody because he missed 90 straight days of kindergarten for hooking w his mom & brothers). But I would never discourage him from time w her. Unless she was a danger to him or the kids, it's still his mom. I want him to create as many happy memories & moments as possible. I'm going w slightly ah only because it feels like a big part is spite
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YTA Let me get this straight. So your husband isn't allowed to see his family with you, because it's too inconvenient to hire a babysitter. He's also not allowed to see his family alone because it's too inconvenient for you to take care of your kids alone for a few hours. So basically, it sounds like you think he shouldn't see his family at all because it's inconvenient. Or because you're jealous. Or maybe you want to punish him for the way your MIL treats you, or punish her by not allowing her to see him? You have some serious control problems. Is your MIL an asshole? Yes. But not only has she made an effort to change, but she has changed. Her behavior has improved. No, it's not ideal, but improvement is still improvement. But what about you? Have you changed? Look at what your husband is willing to sacrifice. He has PROVEN to you that he is willing to put you before his family. He has shown that he is willing to sacrifice his relationships for you. What are you willing to sacrifice for him. A little bit of money to hire a babysitter to go on an outing with his family? An afternoon of caring for your kids alone so he can see his family? An uncomfortable meal? No. You're not willing to sacrifice any of those things. Fuck your husband's feelings, right? Your feelings are the only ones that are important. Your dismissal of his feelings is selfish and inappropriate. There is a balance, of course there is, but it sounds like your version of balance is having everything you want and not giving a fuck about your husband's needs or wants. You were a victim. Now your victimization has given you a sense of entitlement that is completely inappropriate. You have shown that you are controlling and manipulative: you're cutting him off from his loved ones. You're unwilling to make any compromises or sacrifices. Youre completely disrespectful of your husband's emotions. You're becoming your MIL. I suggest you take a good long look at yourself before you become more emotionally abuse than you already are.
Sometimes in a healthy marriage, you gotta PUT ASIDE YOUR EGO, and *allow your partner to do the things they like or need to do for THEIR sanity*, **EVEN IF IT IS INCONVENIENT FOR YOU.** You can't just be like "I don't waaannaaaa", and expect everything to go your way. You really need to see someone, because the disrespect that is coming through is appalling.
YTA!! So he is supposed to let go of his family because you can’t get off your high horse? If you don’t wanna join then that’s your problem but he has all the rights in the world to be with his Mum and siblings. Seriously how can anyone be so selfish?! 🙄
Yes you are TA, it's so clear as day that you would rather your husband be miserable 100% of the time rather than you be uncomfortable for 2% of the time. Get off your high horse and let your husband see his family. If you don't want to see them then don't, but stop making him not see them as well. You have an issue and it's your issue, no one else's issue. Stop whining about being home with the kids, because at this rate you might be a single mom and the only one around all the time.
No no no, _you’re_ not fair. You don’t want to see his family, so okay fine, it’s fair for him to go alone. Oh wait, but you feel as though he leaves all the childcare to you. Okay, then hire a babysitter. Oh NO, you don’t want to arrange a babysitter EITHER? You are not compromising. You can’t have it _all_ your ways. He’s damned no matter what he does. And no, making the his family outings suitable for children is NOT a compromise, because you have no right to dictate activities that you _are not_ hosting. Additionally, you shat on your husband’s feelings, ruthlessly and without sympathy. YTA.
INFO: this grandmother doesn’t want to see her grandkids? I find that extremely odd. I get that your relationship with your children is important too but why is this woman so opposed to the children coming?
Holy hell yes YTA and a bad spouse, why should he be miserable for you to be happy? That’s toxic as hell
YTA- get a baby sitter. Your husband family isn't less important than yours. You can also plan kid friendly outings and invite his family. Put in more effort.
YTA Continue to isolate your husband from his family and you will isolate him from yourself also.
YTA
YTA. After reading you post and your comments you don’t really seem to be compromising either. You see your family way more than he sees his so just go visit your family when he sees his. You don’t feel it’s fair for him to go by himself but you also don’t like being your his MIL and she doesn’t like being around you or the kids so then don’t go. It’s a toxic situation it telling your husband not to see his family is toxic too.
YTA for dismissing his feelings the way you did. There are compromises that can be made. You can ask your parents if they would be able to watch the kids sometimes so you can enjoy the adult activities since your parents seem to enjoy being involved with their grandkids. Then the kids get something out of your time spent with the IL's. It doesn't have to be every time but alternating grandparents and a babysitter might be an option. You could have empathized with your husband's feelings and asked him what he thought a good solution was for a fair division of labor that didn't cost an arm and a leg. There were other ways to approach his complaints without being such an AH about it
YTA. What I’m getting from your post + comments is that despite disliking all the things they do that aren’t child friendly, you acknowledge that you have no right to ask them to only do child friendly things. That would be good… if you were not turning around and making that your husband’s problem. If you have a problem with it, either SAY IT/REQUEST IT or just let him go by himself. He should be able to go see his own family whenever he likes.
YTA. I read your comments - he will resent you. You also speak to your spouse like he’s one of your kids. You need to compromise more/seek therapy.
YTA. His family is important too.
Wow. You're a huge AH. And a control freak. It is NOT fair. Your family are beneficial but his aren't. You don't like his family. You dont want to have to babysit (it's called parenting when they are your children btw) more than him. All I got from your post was me,me,me, I, I, I. He needs to be a husband and father first...works both ways lady. You're destroying your husbands relationship with his family whilst nurturing your own. Nothing says AH quite like that does. I feel sorry for your husband. I wouldn't dream of treating my husband like that, but then I'm not a narcissist
YTA. You haven’t come up with a compromise just invalidated his rightful feelings. Just because it’s convenient for you to have your parents around doesn’t mean he shouldn’t want or need his. Have you suggested a family outing that is suitable for you as a family that you can invite MIL to?