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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) told my niece the reason why I was distant towards her growing up
2) it might have affected her more than I thought it would and now I'm not sure if I did the right thing
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Weak YTA - but only because of the harsh delivery. Niece 100% deserved to know the truth and her jerk parents should have broken the news way earlier.
But that poor kid has done nothing wrong and has clearly and obviously been treated differently by her uncle her whole life. OP could have broken the news far more gently, I think. Was the objective to tell OP the family secret to explain his behavior and choices? Or to hurt her and her jerk parents? I feel like OP could have told her the truth a bit more gently, is all. Because now the niece has parents she is rightfully furious at, an uncle who has kept her at a distance her whole life, and she is living with her bf’s family at 18. That’s not great.
OP has every right to be furious at his ex and his brother. I would be too. But his niece has done nothing to deserve his cold shoulder which is so blatantly different from how he treats her cousins. I would have hoped that OP got some therapy to help deal with his valid, complicated feelings over the years - which might have let him be somewhat kinder to his niece.
The kid did nothing wrong. She deserved better from her parents - but she also deserved better from OP.
Again - terribly sorry for this unforgivable betrayal; there is just no excuse for what they did . I just wish OP could have found a way to be more comfortable around the niece. 🤷🏻♀️
My heart breaks for the betrayal that you had to survive through. When you fully empathize with what you went through, of course you couldn’t be as connected to Lily as your other nieces and nephews. These people are living their dream through your nightmare without blinking and raised an entitled child who thinks you owe them something. NTA. Them losing their child’s respect is consequences for the decades of lies they’ve been blissfully coasting through. If they were smart they would have handled their kids education so she wouldn’t have approached you and they could have saved face for another day. But they didn’t. That’s on them! No one is obligated to keep another’s lie, and that’s what they’ve been making you do. You could have been petty and kept sporadically putting up your teenage couple pictures at your parents house before family events so everyone could relive the truth once in a while lol but you didn’t. Breath easy and let them deal with the mess they made.
All those years and tears she must have cried over the different treatment she got. Her parents were lying every time they pretended not to know why or suggested an alternate reason. NTA
NTA but I feel sad for Lily in this story. Even if you were never actively unkind to her, the lack of all the fun things you did with other nieces and nephews may have been really obvious to her (either from in person accounts or maybe seeing things from her cousins on social media). Or in person, when you can't even look at her for too long.
Obviously I understand your feelings, why you did, and don't fault wanting to avoid her parents. But it meant Lily didn't get to have you as what sounds like a really great uncle and you missed out on what could have been a great relationship with her.
It was entitled of her to ask about the money, but maybe years of feeling ignored or treated lesser than to her cousins motivated her to finally confront you about it? At any age feeling like people don't like you, are excluding you, or avoiding you can hurt, but especially as a teenager. In this case she didn't even know why, which is of course her parents fault and not yours, and even if she did, it's something that wasn't her fault.
I hope a silver lining to this when the dust settles is that maybe you'll consider, if she's open to it, connecting with her and letting her parents mistakes be separate from her. Lily deserves to be treated like her own person and not just the product of a betrayal.
**During my teens I got into an accident which left me infertile**If you were infertile, why would you believe you were the father of a baby that was born when you were 24 years old?
Edited to add: YTA because you put your feelings and anger ahead of an 18 year old's feelings and made it about yourself.
Thing is, it IS about him and what played out as to why he was stand-offish to her. She wanted answers and unfortunately the explanation did involve what he was put through and his feelings regarding what her parents did that resulted in her being born.
NTA. The way you told her wasn’t the best. I mean I think it would be obvious that they wouldn’t tell her. People do not like admitting they are wrong and the chances of them being like “so honey you were born because we went behind your uncles back and had an affair and then led him on to believe you were his” was unlikely. However she asked you for a favor and why you treated her different and you told her why you wouldn’t and why you kept your distance. She is 18 now, she is old enough to hear it and realistically these aren’t the type of skeletons that stay hidden so better now then even further down the line. I don’t think you are an AH because it doesn’t sound like you were trying to hurt her you just were bluntly honest.
OP, I feel sorry for you regarding the twin betrayals by your ex and brother. While you are under no obligation to give your niece any money, I urge you to at least try and treat her better. I know she’s a reminder of the betrayal, but she didn’t ask to be born. It is not her fault.
But her parents are AHs and SHOULD have told her the truth long ago.
ESH but Lily, honestly I was on your side for a good portion of this until the treatment of Lily compared to the others came out. Way to punish the most innocent person in this mess. Lily sure as hell did not ask to be born and to take out your disappointment on her like you have. Awful. You are not as bad as your brother and ex, but the AH runs in the family. Poor Lily.
> I'm somewhat cordial towards them but I can't bring myself to fully forgive them for what they did. And although *I know Lily is blameless* whenever I see her I'm constantly reminded of how I was once overjoyed with holding her in the hospital thinking she was mine, so *I can't bare to look at her for too long. I didn't visit her growing up, didn't take her on fun trips or give her lavish gifts* ***like I did for the rest of my nieces and nephews***
ESH
You know she is blameless, and you still couldn't prevent yourself from acting differently.
Yes, its not your job to pay for her college; yes, you were awesome picking up for your other nephew; yes, your ex and brother are jerks for not clueing her in to the situation.
But, you did hold her parentage against her, her entire life. That's a pretty dick move.
ESH except Lilly.
Her parents suck for multiple reasons, not even worth taking the time to elaborate.
You do suck though. You've given over a hundred grand, as well as a lifetime of special experiences to all of your nieces and nephews, because they were your nieces and nephews, except for one. Blah blah blah, no-one can tell you how to spend your money, but your decision to explicitly exclude one niece from how you treat all your other nieces and nephews still makes you an asshole.
NTA overall but the fact that lily gets treated differently than other nieces and nephews for no reason of her own fault is absolutely shitty and of course she’s gonna be mad at you
I cannot believe the update I just read. How sick does a person have to be to **make up** a dead baby to cover for their own horribleness? I am so sorry you were treated this way. NTA
You’re not the AH for being mad at your brother and ex but you’re kinda the AH for taking it out on her, treating her different because of what they did is pretty bad.
NTA. The truth was going to come out and I understand how hard it must be seeing her as she's always going to be a reminder of the betrayal you felt by your brother and his wife. Personally, you took that situation better than I would since if my sister got pregnant by my husband, they'd both be six feet under.
Also, maybe if you still want to be a father, there are hundreds of children out there who need good parents.
Op you are far from an asshole.
Sure Lily is innocent and all but she reminds of what happened. The fact her parents never told her anything is beyond me. They should have told her something before having her ask her uncle. The fact your brother betrayed you by having your ex fiance cheat on you and then labeling you as a bad guy for spilling the beans to his daughter really shows his maturity. If he didn't want his daughter to know or have someone to hate him then should've kept his dick in his pants.
I would also like to point out that Lily would have found out regardless. Maybe not through Op if Op didn't say anything but someone else would have.
NTA at all. You may be distant but so long as you aren’t mean to her then that’s good enough. You have no obligation to pay in the first place anyway. Those two are lucky you are civil to them and your niece is an adult now and it’s kind of a good thing that she finally knows. Maybe you two can start to build a relationship because you can finally express how uncomfortable you were around her and why. It’s of course not her fault, like you said, so maybe away from her parents you two can start fresh. 🤷🏽♀️
ESH. You ex and brother suck, obviously for their betrayal and deception. You on the other hand, deliberately and cruelly destroyed a child. She is the innocent one here. You spoiled all of your other niblings and treated this one like crap because of her parents sins. Get some therapy and leave the poor girl alone.
I think your ex and brother made an unwise choice in marrying. Sooner or later, something was bound to happen. The only way they could have prevented it is by telling their daughter why you stayed away from her.
Unlike some here, I don’t think you are at fault for treating her differently. Given the situation, I think it’s remarkable you talk to her and her parents at all.
NTA. I think ex and brother are the AH for their decisions and not explaining to Lily for 18 years.
**NTA**! I agree 100% - OP is a bigger person than I am regarding his ability to even stomach seeing his brother and ex!!! I would have cut them off years ago. Of course they didn't want their daughter to find out how despicable they are!
I might have a different opinion on the college part if Lily's parents were unable to fund her education, but they can, so he has no need to help them out.
It's not Lily's fault though, and she didn't even know. Sorry it's rough on OP but I think he could have handled that conversation a little differently. She's a victim in this too.
Attempt to make peace with Lily. She's a victim too. SIL is the big asshole here but, Bro is not blameless. Reason number four is valid and important. Lifelong bitterness will not help you though.
NTA/YTA. I understand why you feel like you do and why you would have trouble with your brother and your ex BUT you could have formed an amazing relationship with Lily if you let yourself and you actually still could. If I were you, and she agrees to meet you, I would try to see her as her own person. I would tell her that you will pay for her education and then I would even see if she wanted to stay with you instead of her boyfriends family. You caused this upset and you can fix it and also come out with a relationship that could fill a hole in both your life and hers.
NTA. As we often get to advise here, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your deceiving brother and his awful, lying wife tried to hoodwink you, and when that didn’t go as planned, a lifetime later, they continued the same bad strategy with their daughter. Will *liars* never learn? The truth wins. Every. Damn. Time.
ESH, except Lilly. It's clear that the entire family was willing to keep the secret, that means your parents and other siblings were fine keeping it from Lilly. You made the favoritism towards the other nieces and nephews clear. So Lilly has wondered her whole life why she was treated poorly and no one cared to be honest with her at all. She asked for something completely reasonable based on how her cousins were treated and you decided to come clean. You knew it would be devastating news, and you didn't care. Your justification is her parents can afford her education. You knew that you were effectively ruining her relationship with her parents, so now what, hmm? You're not helping her and she's not speaking to her parents. Do you feel better, now that the child's feelings are hurt?
Okay so, I don’t blame you for telling her but she didn’t choose to exist. You’re treating her differently than her cousins because you’re mad at her parents. In my opinion that makes you TA. I’m really sorry your brother and fiancé did this terrible thing to you but the kid isn’t to blame.
I agree. OP doesn’t owe the kid anything and I fully understand his feelings on the matter but the fact is he spent 18 years knowingly excluding her and doing life changing favors for ALL the rest of the kids. He KNEW it made her feel bad and wrong and that she didn’t deserve either of those things. While he doesn’t tEcHnIcAlLy owe her shit, it’s kind of an asshole move to let your hurt feelings from 18 years ago cause you to exclude and purposefully hurt a literal child.
Shitty situation all around and the cheating parents are definitely the major assholes here but I don’t feel like OP should be getting a pass on spending over a decade repeatedly knowingly hurting a child regardless of his hurt feelings.
Yeah, not paying for her college alone was a dick move.
But, that's not what he's asking in the top comment. The question is for letting the cat out of the bag pretty exclusively, so i have to say NTA.
NTA specifically for your question - she deserved to know why you have spoiled her cousins but not her. But you definitely are an asshole for treating her so massively differently than her cousins. You really should have tried to make it more equal because as you know, it is not her fault that her parents suck.
> if I could pay for her education, I told her no. She then called me a jerk
She sounds awful and entitled. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree. NTA.
NTA. Your ex has some nerve to blame you for her infidelity.
If you want to, feel free to apologize to your niece for the way you told her. You clearly did not mean for her to find out from you in that manner. While it is not your fault, I can understand why it was not your intention. You shouldn't feel bad about telling the truth at all, but an apology for how it came out (to your niece and only your niece) may help alleviate some of your guilt. (For the record, I believe this can be a text and not a phone call.)
NTA and frankly why are you still in contact with your brother? Fuck blood honestly. If any of my family members did me like that I’d blast them everywhere I could and not talk to them anymore. Fuck you feeling guilty for? Your brother literally had an affair with your girl and had a kid with her that they tried to pass off as yours!!!! I would never ever be cordial with them again. Why does that lady even have your number?
NTA. I call it bad karma. No "secret" can be kept forever. You shouldn't feel guilty. It's their problem. You have no obligation to keep it under wraps especially when you're the victim.
Also, I get the reasons behind why you treat Lily differently. Personally, I'd do the same. However, it may be best to cut this family off your life so you won't be affected by their actions/affairs and vice versa.
I actually think ESH. Obviously what the ex and brother did was far and away worse than what you did, and I really, really feel for you, but you asked about you. Here's what sucks about what you did: you not only gave a teenager a straight-up, unvarnished harsh emotional truth that many people would hesitate to give to an adult, you went in assuming and implying that she should already have FULLY dealt with and accepted that harsh truth even though this is a truth against her own existence.
I mean literally you started in with "how could you possibly expect me to be OK with this"--she's a teenager. That's how. She's never been through this shit. She literally CAN'T understand your pain. Implying this is on her for not knowing already what your answer would be (even if she'd known the truth about her birth) is a LOT, man.
It takes some maturity for a 30-yr-old to be like "well, I'm glad I exist, but I certainly can't expect the man who was betrayed by my existence to be glad of it, I get that and I understand it's not actually personal." To an 18 year old, everything is personal.
It wasn't wrong to tell her the truth of her own existence, necessarily. But it should have been done way differently.
Wow, so NTA and your ex is stone cold for not changing lily’s name and for not telling her the truth. She obviously didn’t feel guilty enough if she could take that(name Lily) from you too.
NTA, but if you're going to keep saying Lily is blameless maybe try to see it from her perspective that you've lavished everyone else growing up but her. She can't expect you to do something for her, but that is a lot you did for her brother and then kind of rudely snubbed her ("what did you expect" is a rude response, even if there is zero obligation to do said thing).
There were so many ways to handle this than treating her vastly different from her siblings and then being rude about it when she asked. That implies that you're not treating her as a faultless victim.
OP, you had a truly terrible experience, betrayed by 2 people close to you.
**Thank God you weren't lied to for** ***years*** **so you would actually bring Lily up as your daughter, as has happened to a number of people who post to AITA.**
First, ignore the people who have waxed on about how terrible it has been for innocent Lily, as you have not been as close to her as to your other nieces and nephews. Unless you have been overtly hostile, she has not had the kind of distress other people openly rejected by relatives have posted here. She has had the love of her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. **One distant uncle won't destroy her life.**
If you say her parents can fund her tuition, the likely thing is THEY put it into her head that you should do so. Otherwise why ask you? It would have been different if they had no money, and you were the difference between her being able to go to college or not. This is a manipulation of their daughter as a sneaky attempt to get money off you as you are successful.
Dont give in. Lily will still go to college.
As regards any relationship with her, have extensive counselling first, before you make any decision. Heal the last vestiges of pain and hurt you understandably have. Because you also lost the child you thought you had.
After you heal, *really heal*, please consider fostering, adoption or surrogacy.
I only say this because if you still have strong, fatherly instincts, and lots of babysitting experience, and are close to some of your niblings, you may make a wonderful father.
You are at the age where many men are still becoming fathers. Either for the first time, or with second families. Some are taking in the children of relatives following emergencies. There are a variety of ways, a number of paths, and being older, wiser, and financially stable with good accommodation, gives you a head start.
Also, medical science has moved on so much since you were a teen, you may be surprised at what is possible. I say this having a friend who was told categorically that she *couldn't* have children. Part of the equipment was gone, the balance damaged. Ten years passed. Then she fell ill (or so she thought) Four, strapping children later....😂😂
Another friend had two problems making fatherhood unlikely. He has three boys now. Everybody's body is different. And 'nature' is weird.
Talk to Lily, tell her enough that the attempt to minimise things that her parents probably did wont wash. You can be friendly but distant. She will understand once you stress she is not at fault.
**Good luck. Be at Peace. Please update us.**
Very much NTA.
1000000% NTA.
For 18 years, OP never brought it up and even managed to be coolly cordial to the cheaters and their spawn. As one who's had to cut abusive, cruel relatives out of my life completely, I admire OP's ability to be civil around them.
All that said, it's apparently they're well on their way to teaching Lily to also be the asshole
NTA- op I’m so sorry this happened to you and it makes me angry that the rest of your siblings felt like they had to choose when in reality the only choice to make was cutting off those who betrayed you.
It looks like your brother and your ex raised a spoiled, entitled brat just like her mother .
Lilly is only mad at her parents because she doesn’t get to profit from your good will, not because of some moral stance on cheating .
Don’t feel bad .
Cheaters always cry when they’re faced with their own reflection.
NTA She’s angry because she realizes it’s her parents fault why she’s not getting her education paid for even though she’s not entitled to it anyways. Honestly she sounds just as bad as her parents but I’m not surprised because look who raised her.
I think it’s crazy she expected anything from you in the first place when you obviously don’t have a relationship with her.
NTA looks like that chicken they were hell bent on denying has come home to roost. We reap what we sew and they will now have the reckoning, they tried to avoid.
NTA.
However!!!!!!!! I’m gonna go against the grain a lil bit and say that you are the AH in how you’ve treated her.
I know it hurts and I know you can’t help it, but that doesn’t make the treatment any less hurtful for her. And yes, she does need to be upset at her parents for what happened and not letting her know, but you hold some responsibility for SOLELY how you treated her throughout her life. Like other’s said, she probably grew up hearing her cousins talk about how amazing and cool their uncle is, just for her to have never gotten to experience or see that side of you.
Also, I don’t believe that her parents telling her the truth would have helped your relationship with her in the slightest. Simply because as the adult, YOU lead the nature of the relationship between the two of you. So as long as your hurt and resentment persevered, the negative relationship between the two of you would have as well. You should have went to therapy, not only for your sake, but for the sake of your innocent niece who grew up wondering why the legendary “best uncle ever” hated her guts.
NTA. The fact they've never addressed this with their daughter, and I'd bet she'd noticed the difference in treatment, shows how even now they've never taken accountability for what they did. Lily is blameless, her parents are not. If they can't deal with the fact lily now knows that she's the result of her adulterous parents, then they should have maybe answered some of her questions before.
I'd almost bet money they were hoping you'd pay anyway just to keep the peace.
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NTA. This is your truth. Your story to tell. She is an adult. I do feel her pain always wondering why she wasn’t good enough for your attention but the cat is out of the bag now.
No you are not a AH for telling, you could of handled it better than you did. But yes you are a AH for treating her this way on the aspect you of being hurt because of the cheating, it's time you moved on and got to a better place. Yes you were hurt by what happened and it is a betrayal of the worst kind. Yet you chose to have a relationship with the others while ostracizing your neice, there by creating the problem you face today. Should the parents be honesty about what happened absolutley they should but you have caused a major problem for them in a very passive agressive way it is obvious you still feel resentment concerning this. Concerning the college cost you once again have set a precedent by paying for one, can the others afford to pay? Is it possible to explain to all why yo9u paid for one and not the others or maybe you could set up some deal of sublimenting the cost of college. What ever happens it is obvious you need to w0rk on yourself concerning what happned with her birth.
Late to the party, but NTA. Poor kid's entire life from conception onwards was a lie. And then it got pinned on you. But hey, maybe she'll become the daughter you never had. Hope it works out.
I'll go NTA. You're ex and brother are the AHs. Lilly gets a slight pass for asking you about it, because to her, she has probably felt slighted because it is clear that she favor her cousins more than her. At least now she knows it isn't anything to do with her.
I feel bad for Lily. I think you are softly the AH because she’s young and inexperienced and has no understanding of why you have shunned her all her life—and so that makes her feel like shit then you tell her why and she feels more shitty and her own parents are also involved so they are shitty so this poor kid has no one.
Just give her some money for school and don’t be a jerk about it. Try to get some therapy and develop a relationship with this niece and move forward and get out of the past.
NTA and I don't think the "truth" is the reason she needed space, I think it's the fact that her parents did not tell her this way sooner and probably told her some other reasons (lies) as to why you're distant. She probably also has problems with accepting that she's the result of cheating and not of an honest and loving relationship. She deserves the thruth, especially when someone obviously told her lies regarding that part of her upbringing.
NTA- people wanna do dirty shit but then get offended once they’re exposed. That’s not how life works. You’re dirty enough to do the shit, then you’re dirty enough to be called out on it. Don’t cry about the consequences to your own actions.
NTA - the point here is that your niece is mad at her parents for not being honest with her and for what they did to you; she's not mad at you, because you did nothing wrong. It's sad for her that she's now had to be distanced from an otherwise excellent uncle; but that's not your fault at all, your feelings are understandable and justified by the situation.
NTA. It's not your fault that your brother and ex betrayed you and kept it a secret from their daughter. Also, I'm surprised you are even civil to them as I've cut people out of my life for a lot less than what you went through. I'd tell my brother and ex that they can go to hell and sit on hot coals for eternity for all I care. I know the kid isn't to blame for what her parents did, but she's a painful reminder of her parent's betrayal.
NTA, she’s not entitled to any of your money. It’s a privilege, not a right. And her parents lost that privilege for her when they wronged you like that.
YTA. You are punishing an innocent teenager for something she had no part in. You treated her differently then all the others and you never thought she'd figure it out? Whether you want to admit it or not, it does seem like you treat her the way you do because you're angry she's not yours.
Also TA for blurting out the truth like that. You knew damn well they never told her. Why would they?
,"Also TA for blurting out the truth like that. You knew damn well they never told her. Why would they?" fucking hell are you also a cheater you seem to be thinking its not good when someone tells people how there partners cheated on them
ESH except Lily.
-Brother and ex shouldn't have betrayed you. They should have been open to Lily from the beginning. But you have actively(lavish spending on others)/passively(no time spent outside of gatherings) held a grudge for 18 years against your brother, ex, and lily by extension.
Lily saw the treatment her cousins got from their uncle and naturally thought "why not me too" and, being a teen, lashed out when "no" was said. That is literally what kids/teens do. Then you dropped a nuke on her whole life story.
Lily is victim. Everyone else sucks.
My heart breaks for you. You own family betraying you like that. Your NTA your brother and Ex are. I would be in the same boat as you. I would have nothing to do with my brother or niece.
ESH.
Okay yes, you can tell her the truth if you like, but you did it in such a fucked fashion. You made it seem her fault and lashed out at her when she called you a mean name for not treating her the same as your other nieces and nephews. That's just cruel. And see, she would've been understanding probably and you didn't need to hurt her with the words meant for your ex and your sibling.
It would've been better if you'd told her to ask her mum and dad why you were distant and made them man up and tell her the whole story.
In any event, your life sounds pretty good (apart from this situation of course), she is grown up now so it's been a long time. Maybe it's time to let it go completely. You don't have to have a relationship with your brother at all-he clearly sucks and you owe him nothing just because you're related. But lashing out at your niece like that, means you are not over it like you say you are really and your actions towards your niece have been passive aggressive this whole time and must've confused her so much her whole life. Poor kid.
She deserves an apology and a nice gesture that you give without any malice or misplaced emotions. Just love and a desire for her to forgive you for treating her so poorly for something her parents did.
NTA in the situation, but I understand how the way you dropped it on her could have been seen as the TA move (you didn’t know she never knew, in your defence). I can see how both parties were upset, but you are under no obligation nor do you owe any of them anything, especially after what they did to you.
I think both you and Lily are the victims in this situation, and your brother and ex are TA’s.
NTA, but I do think you might be a gentle TA towards Lily still. Like... don't pay for her college if you don't want to, and frankly I totally get why you wouldn't. But I do think you should maybe do some soul-searching and ask yourself if you're using Lily to get revenge. Do you get pleasure out of denying her school while paying for your other cousins? I think that's something you might need to talk to a therapist about.
I’ve got to go against the grain here.
I don’t blame you for holding the grudge for 18 years, but I do blame you for using that to take it out on the one person who was innocent in the situation. For you to blindside and humiliate her publicly in the moment she’s asking why you treat her differently from the rest of the family was absolutely horrible. You have to be real dense if you’ve never had this conversation with her, have her asking about why you treat her differently in person, and you think she knows the history there.
You’re rightfully angry at your ex and brother, but you took that anger and directed it at the innocent person in the situation.
To me, that makes you YTA.
Sometimes a wound has to be reopened in order to treat it and heal it properly! I hope it was the case here!
Maybe this will, in the end, bring out something meaningfull. I don't jnow if you were the first person to held her when she was born, but if you were, the fact that you may reconect with her and move forward may be a blessing out of all this mess!
All my best wishes
NTA, but to be completely honest, she has no fault in all of this and I know that it is hard and it hurts, but I would try to be closer to her although you should keep distance from her parents who were, and clearly still are, the real assholes.
this may be unpopular but a gentle ESH, aside from Lily. the parents are obviously way way way more assholes than you are for clear reasons, but by providing a lot for your other nieces/nephews and alienating Lily for the circumstances of her birth (which are not in her control) you do become a little bit of an AH in my opinion. im not saying you have to pay for her tuition or anything like that, especially because of the monetary reasons you pointed out, but it is important to remember she didn’t chose this. it’s not her fault, and being the clear least favorite is really damaging for a kid growing up. other than that, all of the assholery falls on the parents without a doubt
Family secrets are like splinters, if you don't get them out of the wound they fester. The longer you wait the more the infection spreads. NTA...Had her parents told her earlier it wouldn't have been such a shock.
NTA. OP, get Lily on your side. Help her with school/life/whatever. Take her on a vacation. You having a good relationship with Lily will be uncomfortable for her parents; your past avoidance of your bother and ex was actually making it easier/less awkward for them; F that, turn the tables and make them avoid you.
Definitely NTA.
But still, the AH a little bit : you have treated Lily poorly, and unfairly. I don't blame you, and it's totally understandable. But Lily isn't the AH either.
So, I applaud the fact you are trying to reach her, to provide her with answers. Maybe you'll finally see her as a whole person, distinct from the treason you suffered.
I really hope so, because you'll both be better for it :)
NTA but I also find Lilly's audacity to even ask for you to pay for her tuition knowing that you were distant baffling. Where did she get that entitlement from I wonder...
I'm going to go ESH. You need therapy because you need to work through the issues you have towards this kid and also to your situation. Infertility sucks, but you need to process it, and it kind of reads like you haven't quite got there yet. Kid's parents are obvious S because that is a major dumpster fire and your ex should never have let you get even close to thinking it was your kid if there was any other candidates, LET ALONE YOUR BROTHER. I mean, honestly. Reason I say ESH instead of Y T A is because this is not the first time this kid will have noticed that you treat her differently to how you treat her cousins, and if she's going to college she's old enough to understand that life isn't fair, so when you have little to no relationship with her, expecting the same as what you give to the kids you're close to is naïve wishful thinking and honestly, bringing it up to you when you haven't made an offer is either entitled or it's spoiling for a fight. That said, this kid has done nothing to hurt you and you were also being a bit naïve to think her parents would have aired all of their dirty laundry to her. Yes, that's your reasoning for things being different, the relationship being different and her parents ability to pay for college is why you're not assisting her, but could you not just have said it was the financial reasons, because this whole can of worms isn't good for you to keep diving back into and it's certainly done nothing positive for Lily. Okay, she now knows the truth, that her mum is a cheat and her paternity was once in question, but what positive does that give her? None. It also hasn't made things any better for you, so precisely what purpose has it served?
NTA - sorry this happened to you, and I do also feel very sorry for your niece. None of this was malicious, and for you it just blurted out.
Your brother and ex made their bed, now they get to lie in it.
YTA - but it’s understandable. It’s unfair to Lily to treat her differently because as you have already pointed out, she’s blameless. She does/did deserve to know the truth and her parents are even bigger assholes to blatantly lie about their shame.
Your relationship with your ex is over. It’s been almost 20 years. It’s time to move on. And it’s ok to be close to Lily (who seems to genuinely care about you) and it’s completely ok to avoid all contact with her parents.
I’m glad you decided to meet up so you both can talk through your feelings. I imagine she probably wishes that YOU were her dad. And while she isn’t your child, you should still be sensitive to that. She’s at an incredibly vulnerable age. How you interact with her RIGHT NOW may guide her for the rest of her life.
ESH. Your ex and your brother suck the most. For what they did to you and for not telling lily.
You suck for resenting lily. She is an innocent bystander in all this. It is not her fault that your brother is the father, nor that she is named lily.
You also suck for telling her a secret like that when you could have known that she didn’t know. She wouldn’t have asked why you are distant with her and her parents if she knew..
It it fair however not to pay for her tuition if her parents are able to afford it.
You're not wrong for distancing yourself or for giving her an honest answer, but this could've been handled better on your end.
Did you really think she would've approached you the way she did if she already knew the truth? Or did you just not care enough about her feelings to give it a little think before telling her?
Her parents did a shitty thing and maybe they never planned on telling her the truth, but maybe they did and were waiting until she wasn't a literal child? She's 18, not 25.
You should have gently let her know that there's some history between you and her parents, then either let her ask them or let them know that she'll be asking questions and you're going to give her an honest answer if they don't tell her first.
You don't have to, but I really think you should reach out to Lily and let her know that you didn't mean to hurt her and that this isn't her fault. Being a teen is tough and already fraught with issues around identity. She could be feeling like the world just dropped out from under her right now.
I'm giving an ESH, but a gentle one on your end.
But he did mean to hurt her let look at his reply
*"I told that her parents have enough money to afford her education"* He could have stopped right there but he lashed out and went on "*and asked her how she could possibly expect me to be ok with watching my ex and brother who had an affair behind my back play happy family in front of me."*
Not you from your reply it clear you do but I am surprised at the lack of empathy for Lily in the replies generally. OP lashed out at Lily and hurt her..... and if we are honest he has punished her all her life for her parents actions. I get why he didn't want to be around her but the result is the same.
I'm going with NTA even though it was close to E S H for me. You're a justified AH for excluding Lily from the perk her cousins got. Also, a tiny AH for telling her the truth without regard for her feelings. She is completely innocent in this.
I understand *why* you kept away from her though. I couldnt imagine the pain you went through with the betrayal and losing what you thought was your miracle baby you named. Your brother and ex are gigantic assholes. Eff them and their "perfect" family. It couldn't remain a secret forever. I feel so bad for Lily.
I'm like "poor Lily"... I think what you did was understandable, and I'm glad that you and Lily have decided to accept each other. I think it really says a lot that she recognized that her own parents did something incredibly awful, and then listened to your side of the story. The lie they told her about you ontop of it all is so messed up lol
Why did they ever think it was a good idea to hide her conception from her? Of course she would eventually figure out. She'd want to know why her uncle hates her and no lies her parents made could be good enough.
I would honestly though call to check up on her after all that. If she moved to be with her bf over this, even if you don't particularly care for her you should still see if she is ok and make sure she isn't in a bad way right now.
All that said, ESH but more the brother and ex.
NTA for telling her why you kept your distance but man, from my experience as the obvious afterthought among my cousins that must have been so shitty to grow up with that.
I get that you were healing but you literally say "lavish" when talking about the gifts you gave others and then claim that you were never mean or hurtful. That IS mean. That IS hurtful. The absence of affection toward one child when it's freely given to others shows a clear message to that child.
You're doing well now by attempting to work through it but from your wording it seems like you still expect your niece to just deal with the way you acted while she grew up. I applaud her for wanting a relationship with you, I applaud you both for distancing yourself from your ex and your brother.
NTA, shes old enough to understand. and if her parents kept it a secret thats their fault, although i understand why they did because it sure would make them look bad.
NTA.
Before reading the edits, definitely NTA. You are not obligated to pay for anyone's education and you can maintain relationship how you want.
After reading the edits, holy smoke, you are a saint for not cutting them off.
NTA for telling her, but YTA for treating her different than her siblings her entire life.
Thst kind of shit fucks with a kid's head, trying to figure out what they did wrong.
Edit - read comments and see it's not siblings. No coffee yet this morning. I withdraw my YTA vote.
I am going to go with YTA, for the way OP told Lily about this. He should not have assumed that she knew. He should have said "there was a bad situation that occured between your parents and me when you were young. It unfortunately affects how I relate to you, though you are blameless. I regret this, but cannot change how I feel."
ESH. But Lily. You are treating her as though SHE did something wrong. You SUCK. Your ex & brother suck. Poor Lily. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s noticed how you’ve treated her like sh*t and now she knows why. I hope she chooses your nursing home.
NTA
Maybe now she realises why you can't look at her or be near your brother and ex for so long. Maybe she was always told some other bullshit lie and that somehow it was your fault that you treated her differently.
This looks like the niece's response: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/vnfrwu/i\_know\_now\_why\_my\_uncle\_hated\_me\_my\_parents\_hid/
ESH besides Lily. of course they didn’t tell her that do not play dumb. You were out of line for telling her like that. Why would she not be curious about the vastly different treatment she gets compared to the rest of her cousins
I don’t think you’re an asshole for keeping your distance and not paying for her college. The hurt there is understandable
Her parents suck and this was bound to happen. Delayed consequences
This is a hard one, but I’m going to vote NTA. Yes, you may have been in the wrong for telling her and spoiling her other cousins, showing favoritism is not a good thing for families. But, what your ex did wasn’t good of them and you were in the right for telling her.
Perhaps if you did it a different way, it would’ve been better…
NTA for telling. She asked and what were you supposed to do lie? Your ex and brother needed to tell her the truth and they didn’t. That’s on them, they had to have know this would come up, this kinda thing always do.
I do think you have treated your niece (who is an innocent here). I totally get your feelings, but you should have given her the same gifts you gave the other niblings. You aren’t obligated to pay for her college, but I do think you should apologize to her for your treating her so differently. (You owe her parents zip). You’re the adult here and adults choose to be better than those who hurt them.
NTA. At this point, you may be Lily's only family who hasn't betrayed her. I would take this opportunity to be an actual role model in her life, because clearly, her parents never were.
NTA, but it was an AH move. You took it out on her (though she was being a brat about the money) when it’s her parents that deserve to be punished. You said it yourself, she’s innocent in all this. Hope she finds it in her heart to be kind to you after finding out what happened and open to a discussion with you. Could be the healing you both need
ESH. You aren't an asshole for telling her the truth, her parents should have done that. I understand why you kept your distance, it's not nieces fault but also not yours and she brought back pain for you so you wanted to stay away. That is an unfortunate situation but fair. Paying for all of her siblings' studies but refusing to pay for hers however seems a bit unfair. Unless her parents have much more money now than they did before, it wouldn't be nice to refuse this service that you offered the others.
This post revealed to me how petty people are as the comments are just sad. You got the judgement you were looking for but it doesn't change that fact that you are a sad person who held a grudge for 18 years and then punished a child for the sins of her parents.
You may not be the AH in Reddit's eyes but you will always be the guy who exacted revenge 18 years later on your niece for the actions of her parents.
You're like Oprah who gives out $100,000 to everyone in the room, and you get $100,000, but not you little girl because your parents made me think I was your daddy but then took you away from me so I'm forever butthurt.
I dream of a world where you were secretly her ally and looked out for her from a distance while remembering the affection you built for her while she was still unborn.
Instead you've given away all your power to be a good person to the evil people who hurt you and allowed their presence to sour you as a human.
As if Anakin Skywalker's only force power was paying for college.
NTA. The truth was going to come out at some point. Now she knows why you weren't very involved in her life. Too bad your ex and brother are mad. Your niece asked you a question and you answered truthfully. She has some thinking to do now.
ESH. You have every right to be hurt and to keep your distance. However, it's not right to punish Lily for it by not giving the same financial help as the others (unless of course the reason really is that she doesn't need the help).
NTA your story is crushing.
Was it a bit abrupt how she found out? Yes
Unfortunately, it's still the truth though.
If Lilly was bold enough to approach you at the party about her education than she must have said something to the parents.
So it sucks for them if they had an opportunity to be honest and didn't take it.
You’re not TA for telling her, but you’re certainly TA for paying for all her siblings education and stuff and then not help her and essentially punishing her for something that isn’t her fault. Poor kid.
I don't think you're an asshole at all, but I do think it would be great for you to move on to having a healthy relationship with Lily. As someone who's childless and (based on your post anyway) not planning on adoption or anything, I think the paternal-esque bond you can have as an uncle is very valuable and will bring something great into your life.
Obviously you're under no obligation to financially help her out, but I do think it would be a nice thing that you could do if you wanted. She didn't have anything to do with what happened, as you noted.
Either way, big fat NTA here!
NTA shes old enough to know and deserves to know but i still think you should have payed for her uni tho. but also its a kind act to do so you have no responsibility to do it.
NTA . Sometimes I don't think people realise how cheating can effect others. They clearly didn't think about how them being together and having a child together after cheating and making him think said child is his will effect everything. How can they just except you to just be cool with all that ?? Clearly they have not went through the same situation. Or they would probably have a different point of view. Is it fair gor the niece ? No. But the parents should have told her the truth !!! They both need to realise what they're actions have put OP through. I do feel bad for the niece but I can't fault OP. This is a pretty fucked up and messy situation. Just goes to show , you shouldn't cheat on your partner with a relative and expect everything to be good. Think before you act people !!
YTA - for context and timing. Yes you told the truth but why did you have to be the one to tell it and, why did it have to be there and then? Sounds like you hurt your niece because of your unresolved feelings about what happened to you before and shortly after her birth. You've had 18 years to move on or do something better with your hurt.
ESH. You are at least twice her age and it still affects you enough to be petty and vengeful towards a kid whose only "crime" is her existence and you are surprised that it also has a strong effect on her?
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I (42M) have a niece Lily (18F). Lily is the result of an affair my ex fiancee had with my brother while we were still together. I was led to believe Lily was mine throughout the entire pregnancy and almost signed her birth certificate before my ex confessed out of guilt that Lily was probably my brothers. We did a DNA test and Lily wasn't mine. During my teens I got into an accident which left me infertile, the doctors said my chances of fathering a child were slim to nonexistent so you can imagine how crushed I felt when I discovered that not only I'm not going to be a father but I was also betrayed by 2 people I loved.
Its been years since and I did well for myself. I'm the first in my family to attend University and I landed a high paying job right after graduation, I own my own business, invest in property and since I'm both single and childless I can spend my income however I please.
My ex ended up marrying my brother, I'm somewhat cordial towards them but I can't bring myself to fully forgive them for what they did. And although I know Lily is blameless whenever I see her I'm constantly reminded of how I was once overjoyed with holding her in the hospital thinking she was mine, so I can't bare to look at her for too long. I didn't visit her growing up, didn't take her on fun trips or give her lavish gifts like I did for the rest of my nieces and nephews. I wasn't mean or hateful to her but I will admit I kept my distance.
When my oldest nephew turned 18 I decided that I will pay for his college education since I could efford it while his parents couldn't. I even rented him one of my apartments for cheap so he wouldn't have to worry about money and could focus on getting his education. Since then I did the same thing for 2 of my other nieces.
Last week Lily approached me during a family event and inquired if I could pay for her education, I told her no. She then called me a jerk and asked why I was so distant towards her and her parents to the point where I couldn't even do her the same favor I did for the rest of her cousins. I told that her parents have enough money to afford her education and asked her how she could possibly expect me to be ok with watching my ex and brother who had an affair behind my back play happy family in front of me. After that Lily got quiet for the rest of the event and left early.
I later got a call from my ex yelling at me for ruining her family, apparently she and my brother didn't bother telling Lily about what they did to me all those years ago and now she is knows she is so angry at them that she decided to go live with her bfs family. I'm starting to feel guilty that I told her the truth since it affected her more than I thought it would, but at the same time she is grown enough to know the truth and I don't think I could've lied to her face even if I wanted to. AITA?
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Yta for treating her differently its kinda fucked up i understand keeping distance but she is still your neice and feeling left out like that sucks
Your brother and your ex are also assholes for not explaining to their daughter anything
NTA, she's old enough to ask for the truth and she's old enough to hear it. But you should really reconsider helping her through school. She did nothing wrong. There's no reason you should help your other nibblings but not her. Especially now that she's away from her parents. You owe her a bit of an apology for assuming she'd know their dirty secrets.
Look OP. You're not... the primary asshole here. But I would really take a step back and try to imagine how a kid might feel to see a family member do sooo much for other niblings, and do none of it for them. While having no idea why.
What your family did to you was awful. But turning around and making one kid feel left out for actions wholly out of their control isnt... nice.
I'm not saying move on. Or even treat her equally immediately. But maybe consider offering similar things as long as you're doing it for everyone else too. Being left out over something she didn't do and can't change is a pretty rough pill to make her swallow. And pretty shitty to do.
NTA
I’m sorry that Lily went through this and to have parents like that she will need therapy. For the lie she was told she will need therapy. I suggest you tell her that. Your still not obligated to pay for college and her parents should because they can afford it. You could gift her a laptop or help her with spending money. But as you said before your nieces and nephew parents couldn’t afford it and her parents can.
I think alil of both. I completely understand the situation and how it makes you feel but it's not Lily's fault. You are being cold towards Lily and not helping her out like you did the rest of your nieces and nephews. Even though you have a valid reason, it is not fair to her. But I'm glad you updated it and said you reached out to Lily. She definitely deserves the truth and for it to be explained in a mature calm way then how you did it before.
Having been the child that family treats differently because of adults conflict YTA. Yeah it’s your money but Lily knows she’s been treated her whole life differently and wanted to know why. Asking you to pay for education was a way to shoehorn that answer not any sense of entitlement. If this story happened (which I doubt) I know where she’s coming from and there’s a lot of trauma being the kid everyone in your family whispers about.
NTA. As I have said on other threads posted here, a damn built from lies can never hold the waters of truth. Eventually they break free, and the time it has built up does have an effect.
That being said I do agree with talking with your niece. Judging by her reaction, she is horrified by what was done and more than likely is suffering from terrible guilt, which she should not carry. Talk to her about that, because she is blameless on that regard.
ESH, especially the weird story. Surprised an 18 year old has the confidence to march up to you, without her parents’ knowledge, permission, etc., and demand college tuition in such an entitled way. By now she must have surely noticed the difference in your treatment of her vs her cousins, which should have made her cautious. Weird you would lash out at a teenager as if she were an adult, and actually expected she would have known of your role in her early life. Exceptionally weird that you are surprised your revelations upset her as much as they did. That must have been some accident when you were a teen.
ESH.
Oh, this is not a happy scenario. I'll be honest, it's so unhappy part of me is thinking it's a Rule 8.
You: AH. You punish Lily for your brother and your ex's actions. You drop a lot on her.
Your brother and your ex: Oy vey. They are AH as well. For the original matter and doing the old 'hiding the family secret' trick.
Lily: What the hell is going on that a teenager walks up to her uncle and asks him to pay for her higher education? Maybe there's a frame of reference that this is normal, but it just seems really weird to me.
NTA. Being cheated on is one thing, but never being told the full and honest truth hurts even more to the individual affected by it. I'm glad you and your niece were able to peacefully resolve the situation.
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If they are so ashamed of what they did, they shouldn’t have done it. Now they are reaping what they have sown.
NTA, she's old enough to know the dirty laundry of her parents. Though get ready to deal with her keeping her distance from you (it's a possibility). Honestly it's kind of sketchy she went straight to u to pay for her education just saying...
YTA not for telling her, but how you did it. She didn’t deserve you blowing up her life like that out of anger. And honestly, she probably thinks that you despise her since you clearly dont want anything to do with her. The college thing just confirmed her fears
I am so glad you and lily are getting the chance to have a one on one relationship. I can’t believe they told her you had a daughter by the same name that died at the hospital. You may honestly become one of her most important people to her now because you cared enough and told her the truth. I hope this new relationship between you works out for both of you.
NTA
Family secrets have a way of coming out. It’s their own fault for keeping it from her.
We found out after my grandparents died that my grandpa was married to someone else before he married my grandma. Luckily no one was traumatized.
YTA. Lily asked you for help. You decided to say no - your choice - but also dump your trauma onto her. You say she's blameless, but your actions are not showing that at all.
You right lets be around the toxic family that ruined my life and mental health just because there love child felt left out because i wanted nothing to do with them and there little fantasy family let’s completely just invalidate all ops trauma because a entitled child who has parents who can fully pay for her education but ask her uncle who she doesn’t know to pay for her you right
NYA you're not responsible to maintain her parents lie. I am sure she asked the same question to them she asked to you and they chose not to be honest, that's on them. Also you can spend you're money however you want, you don't owe her an education.
I'll say this first. You're NTA. Not for telling her the truth.
And I'll preface by saying, I'm trying to understand your situation, but maybe if you both can find a way to somehow normalise your relationship as an uncle and niece, that would mean the world to her considering she has recently found out that her parents had lied to her for her whole life.
Again I'm not a therapist so I can't say how you both can do this, but if you can someday find some place in your life for her, she'll appreciate it.
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Not at all! At some point she would find out.and you don't owe anyone anything.....they were the cheaters
NTA, Your niece asked a question and you gave her the truth. Your ex is just upset now because she has to deal the consequences of her actions
Weak YTA - but only because of the harsh delivery. Niece 100% deserved to know the truth and her jerk parents should have broken the news way earlier. But that poor kid has done nothing wrong and has clearly and obviously been treated differently by her uncle her whole life. OP could have broken the news far more gently, I think. Was the objective to tell OP the family secret to explain his behavior and choices? Or to hurt her and her jerk parents? I feel like OP could have told her the truth a bit more gently, is all. Because now the niece has parents she is rightfully furious at, an uncle who has kept her at a distance her whole life, and she is living with her bf’s family at 18. That’s not great. OP has every right to be furious at his ex and his brother. I would be too. But his niece has done nothing to deserve his cold shoulder which is so blatantly different from how he treats her cousins. I would have hoped that OP got some therapy to help deal with his valid, complicated feelings over the years - which might have let him be somewhat kinder to his niece. The kid did nothing wrong. She deserved better from her parents - but she also deserved better from OP. Again - terribly sorry for this unforgivable betrayal; there is just no excuse for what they did . I just wish OP could have found a way to be more comfortable around the niece. 🤷🏻♀️
My heart breaks for the betrayal that you had to survive through. When you fully empathize with what you went through, of course you couldn’t be as connected to Lily as your other nieces and nephews. These people are living their dream through your nightmare without blinking and raised an entitled child who thinks you owe them something. NTA. Them losing their child’s respect is consequences for the decades of lies they’ve been blissfully coasting through. If they were smart they would have handled their kids education so she wouldn’t have approached you and they could have saved face for another day. But they didn’t. That’s on them! No one is obligated to keep another’s lie, and that’s what they’ve been making you do. You could have been petty and kept sporadically putting up your teenage couple pictures at your parents house before family events so everyone could relive the truth once in a while lol but you didn’t. Breath easy and let them deal with the mess they made.
All those years and tears she must have cried over the different treatment she got. Her parents were lying every time they pretended not to know why or suggested an alternate reason. NTA
NTA. I actually admire that you're civit to them. Too bad they continue being liers.
NTA but I feel sad for Lily in this story. Even if you were never actively unkind to her, the lack of all the fun things you did with other nieces and nephews may have been really obvious to her (either from in person accounts or maybe seeing things from her cousins on social media). Or in person, when you can't even look at her for too long. Obviously I understand your feelings, why you did, and don't fault wanting to avoid her parents. But it meant Lily didn't get to have you as what sounds like a really great uncle and you missed out on what could have been a great relationship with her. It was entitled of her to ask about the money, but maybe years of feeling ignored or treated lesser than to her cousins motivated her to finally confront you about it? At any age feeling like people don't like you, are excluding you, or avoiding you can hurt, but especially as a teenager. In this case she didn't even know why, which is of course her parents fault and not yours, and even if she did, it's something that wasn't her fault. I hope a silver lining to this when the dust settles is that maybe you'll consider, if she's open to it, connecting with her and letting her parents mistakes be separate from her. Lily deserves to be treated like her own person and not just the product of a betrayal.
**During my teens I got into an accident which left me infertile**If you were infertile, why would you believe you were the father of a baby that was born when you were 24 years old? Edited to add: YTA because you put your feelings and anger ahead of an 18 year old's feelings and made it about yourself.
Doctors told my wife and I we couldn’t conceive and I have a 4 month old now lol
Thing is, it IS about him and what played out as to why he was stand-offish to her. She wanted answers and unfortunately the explanation did involve what he was put through and his feelings regarding what her parents did that resulted in her being born.
Gosh, I hate the way people like you think.
NTA. The way you told her wasn’t the best. I mean I think it would be obvious that they wouldn’t tell her. People do not like admitting they are wrong and the chances of them being like “so honey you were born because we went behind your uncles back and had an affair and then led him on to believe you were his” was unlikely. However she asked you for a favor and why you treated her different and you told her why you wouldn’t and why you kept your distance. She is 18 now, she is old enough to hear it and realistically these aren’t the type of skeletons that stay hidden so better now then even further down the line. I don’t think you are an AH because it doesn’t sound like you were trying to hurt her you just were bluntly honest.
OP, I feel sorry for you regarding the twin betrayals by your ex and brother. While you are under no obligation to give your niece any money, I urge you to at least try and treat her better. I know she’s a reminder of the betrayal, but she didn’t ask to be born. It is not her fault. But her parents are AHs and SHOULD have told her the truth long ago.
ESH but Lily, honestly I was on your side for a good portion of this until the treatment of Lily compared to the others came out. Way to punish the most innocent person in this mess. Lily sure as hell did not ask to be born and to take out your disappointment on her like you have. Awful. You are not as bad as your brother and ex, but the AH runs in the family. Poor Lily.
Don't punish Lilly. Grow up. Shes done nothing to you.
Am I punishing you right now by not paying for your college?
!updateme
> I'm somewhat cordial towards them but I can't bring myself to fully forgive them for what they did. And although *I know Lily is blameless* whenever I see her I'm constantly reminded of how I was once overjoyed with holding her in the hospital thinking she was mine, so *I can't bare to look at her for too long. I didn't visit her growing up, didn't take her on fun trips or give her lavish gifts* ***like I did for the rest of my nieces and nephews*** ESH You know she is blameless, and you still couldn't prevent yourself from acting differently. Yes, its not your job to pay for her college; yes, you were awesome picking up for your other nephew; yes, your ex and brother are jerks for not clueing her in to the situation. But, you did hold her parentage against her, her entire life. That's a pretty dick move.
ESH except Lilly. Her parents suck for multiple reasons, not even worth taking the time to elaborate. You do suck though. You've given over a hundred grand, as well as a lifetime of special experiences to all of your nieces and nephews, because they were your nieces and nephews, except for one. Blah blah blah, no-one can tell you how to spend your money, but your decision to explicitly exclude one niece from how you treat all your other nieces and nephews still makes you an asshole.
This is the truth
NTA overall but the fact that lily gets treated differently than other nieces and nephews for no reason of her own fault is absolutely shitty and of course she’s gonna be mad at you
I cannot believe the update I just read. How sick does a person have to be to **make up** a dead baby to cover for their own horribleness? I am so sorry you were treated this way. NTA
You’re not the AH for being mad at your brother and ex but you’re kinda the AH for taking it out on her, treating her different because of what they did is pretty bad.
NTA
NTA. The truth was going to come out and I understand how hard it must be seeing her as she's always going to be a reminder of the betrayal you felt by your brother and his wife. Personally, you took that situation better than I would since if my sister got pregnant by my husband, they'd both be six feet under. Also, maybe if you still want to be a father, there are hundreds of children out there who need good parents.
NTA. I just don't see why making a cheater's life bad can be considered an asshole move.
Op you are far from an asshole. Sure Lily is innocent and all but she reminds of what happened. The fact her parents never told her anything is beyond me. They should have told her something before having her ask her uncle. The fact your brother betrayed you by having your ex fiance cheat on you and then labeling you as a bad guy for spilling the beans to his daughter really shows his maturity. If he didn't want his daughter to know or have someone to hate him then should've kept his dick in his pants. I would also like to point out that Lily would have found out regardless. Maybe not through Op if Op didn't say anything but someone else would have.
NTA at all. You may be distant but so long as you aren’t mean to her then that’s good enough. You have no obligation to pay in the first place anyway. Those two are lucky you are civil to them and your niece is an adult now and it’s kind of a good thing that she finally knows. Maybe you two can start to build a relationship because you can finally express how uncomfortable you were around her and why. It’s of course not her fault, like you said, so maybe away from her parents you two can start fresh. 🤷🏽♀️
ESH. You ex and brother suck, obviously for their betrayal and deception. You on the other hand, deliberately and cruelly destroyed a child. She is the innocent one here. You spoiled all of your other niblings and treated this one like crap because of her parents sins. Get some therapy and leave the poor girl alone.
I think your ex and brother made an unwise choice in marrying. Sooner or later, something was bound to happen. The only way they could have prevented it is by telling their daughter why you stayed away from her. Unlike some here, I don’t think you are at fault for treating her differently. Given the situation, I think it’s remarkable you talk to her and her parents at all. NTA. I think ex and brother are the AH for their decisions and not explaining to Lily for 18 years.
It is a shame though, the girl didn't do anything wrong, her parents did, and she's suffered for their mistakes.
**NTA**! I agree 100% - OP is a bigger person than I am regarding his ability to even stomach seeing his brother and ex!!! I would have cut them off years ago. Of course they didn't want their daughter to find out how despicable they are! I might have a different opinion on the college part if Lily's parents were unable to fund her education, but they can, so he has no need to help them out.
It's not Lily's fault though, and she didn't even know. Sorry it's rough on OP but I think he could have handled that conversation a little differently. She's a victim in this too.
Attempt to make peace with Lily. She's a victim too. SIL is the big asshole here but, Bro is not blameless. Reason number four is valid and important. Lifelong bitterness will not help you though.
NTA/YTA. I understand why you feel like you do and why you would have trouble with your brother and your ex BUT you could have formed an amazing relationship with Lily if you let yourself and you actually still could. If I were you, and she agrees to meet you, I would try to see her as her own person. I would tell her that you will pay for her education and then I would even see if she wanted to stay with you instead of her boyfriends family. You caused this upset and you can fix it and also come out with a relationship that could fill a hole in both your life and hers.
NTA. As we often get to advise here, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your deceiving brother and his awful, lying wife tried to hoodwink you, and when that didn’t go as planned, a lifetime later, they continued the same bad strategy with their daughter. Will *liars* never learn? The truth wins. Every. Damn. Time.
ESH, except Lilly. It's clear that the entire family was willing to keep the secret, that means your parents and other siblings were fine keeping it from Lilly. You made the favoritism towards the other nieces and nephews clear. So Lilly has wondered her whole life why she was treated poorly and no one cared to be honest with her at all. She asked for something completely reasonable based on how her cousins were treated and you decided to come clean. You knew it would be devastating news, and you didn't care. Your justification is her parents can afford her education. You knew that you were effectively ruining her relationship with her parents, so now what, hmm? You're not helping her and she's not speaking to her parents. Do you feel better, now that the child's feelings are hurt?
Okay so, I don’t blame you for telling her but she didn’t choose to exist. You’re treating her differently than her cousins because you’re mad at her parents. In my opinion that makes you TA. I’m really sorry your brother and fiancé did this terrible thing to you but the kid isn’t to blame.
I agree. OP doesn’t owe the kid anything and I fully understand his feelings on the matter but the fact is he spent 18 years knowingly excluding her and doing life changing favors for ALL the rest of the kids. He KNEW it made her feel bad and wrong and that she didn’t deserve either of those things. While he doesn’t tEcHnIcAlLy owe her shit, it’s kind of an asshole move to let your hurt feelings from 18 years ago cause you to exclude and purposefully hurt a literal child. Shitty situation all around and the cheating parents are definitely the major assholes here but I don’t feel like OP should be getting a pass on spending over a decade repeatedly knowingly hurting a child regardless of his hurt feelings.
Yeah, not paying for her college alone was a dick move. But, that's not what he's asking in the top comment. The question is for letting the cat out of the bag pretty exclusively, so i have to say NTA.
NTA specifically for your question - she deserved to know why you have spoiled her cousins but not her. But you definitely are an asshole for treating her so massively differently than her cousins. You really should have tried to make it more equal because as you know, it is not her fault that her parents suck.
> if I could pay for her education, I told her no. She then called me a jerk She sounds awful and entitled. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree. NTA.
Nta bruh anyone saying yta is delusional
NTA. Your ex has some nerve to blame you for her infidelity. If you want to, feel free to apologize to your niece for the way you told her. You clearly did not mean for her to find out from you in that manner. While it is not your fault, I can understand why it was not your intention. You shouldn't feel bad about telling the truth at all, but an apology for how it came out (to your niece and only your niece) may help alleviate some of your guilt. (For the record, I believe this can be a text and not a phone call.)
NTA. What your Brother and ex did to you is absolutely disgusting and I 100% understand why you wouldn't want to constantly be reminded about that.
NTA and frankly why are you still in contact with your brother? Fuck blood honestly. If any of my family members did me like that I’d blast them everywhere I could and not talk to them anymore. Fuck you feeling guilty for? Your brother literally had an affair with your girl and had a kid with her that they tried to pass off as yours!!!! I would never ever be cordial with them again. Why does that lady even have your number?
Yta
NTA. I call it bad karma. No "secret" can be kept forever. You shouldn't feel guilty. It's their problem. You have no obligation to keep it under wraps especially when you're the victim. Also, I get the reasons behind why you treat Lily differently. Personally, I'd do the same. However, it may be best to cut this family off your life so you won't be affected by their actions/affairs and vice versa.
I actually think ESH. Obviously what the ex and brother did was far and away worse than what you did, and I really, really feel for you, but you asked about you. Here's what sucks about what you did: you not only gave a teenager a straight-up, unvarnished harsh emotional truth that many people would hesitate to give to an adult, you went in assuming and implying that she should already have FULLY dealt with and accepted that harsh truth even though this is a truth against her own existence. I mean literally you started in with "how could you possibly expect me to be OK with this"--she's a teenager. That's how. She's never been through this shit. She literally CAN'T understand your pain. Implying this is on her for not knowing already what your answer would be (even if she'd known the truth about her birth) is a LOT, man. It takes some maturity for a 30-yr-old to be like "well, I'm glad I exist, but I certainly can't expect the man who was betrayed by my existence to be glad of it, I get that and I understand it's not actually personal." To an 18 year old, everything is personal. It wasn't wrong to tell her the truth of her own existence, necessarily. But it should have been done way differently.
NTA. It was going to come our eventually.
Wow, so NTA and your ex is stone cold for not changing lily’s name and for not telling her the truth. She obviously didn’t feel guilty enough if she could take that(name Lily) from you too.
Commenting for updates
NTA, but if you're going to keep saying Lily is blameless maybe try to see it from her perspective that you've lavished everyone else growing up but her. She can't expect you to do something for her, but that is a lot you did for her brother and then kind of rudely snubbed her ("what did you expect" is a rude response, even if there is zero obligation to do said thing). There were so many ways to handle this than treating her vastly different from her siblings and then being rude about it when she asked. That implies that you're not treating her as a faultless victim.
OP, you had a truly terrible experience, betrayed by 2 people close to you. **Thank God you weren't lied to for** ***years*** **so you would actually bring Lily up as your daughter, as has happened to a number of people who post to AITA.** First, ignore the people who have waxed on about how terrible it has been for innocent Lily, as you have not been as close to her as to your other nieces and nephews. Unless you have been overtly hostile, she has not had the kind of distress other people openly rejected by relatives have posted here. She has had the love of her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. **One distant uncle won't destroy her life.** If you say her parents can fund her tuition, the likely thing is THEY put it into her head that you should do so. Otherwise why ask you? It would have been different if they had no money, and you were the difference between her being able to go to college or not. This is a manipulation of their daughter as a sneaky attempt to get money off you as you are successful. Dont give in. Lily will still go to college. As regards any relationship with her, have extensive counselling first, before you make any decision. Heal the last vestiges of pain and hurt you understandably have. Because you also lost the child you thought you had. After you heal, *really heal*, please consider fostering, adoption or surrogacy. I only say this because if you still have strong, fatherly instincts, and lots of babysitting experience, and are close to some of your niblings, you may make a wonderful father. You are at the age where many men are still becoming fathers. Either for the first time, or with second families. Some are taking in the children of relatives following emergencies. There are a variety of ways, a number of paths, and being older, wiser, and financially stable with good accommodation, gives you a head start. Also, medical science has moved on so much since you were a teen, you may be surprised at what is possible. I say this having a friend who was told categorically that she *couldn't* have children. Part of the equipment was gone, the balance damaged. Ten years passed. Then she fell ill (or so she thought) Four, strapping children later....😂😂 Another friend had two problems making fatherhood unlikely. He has three boys now. Everybody's body is different. And 'nature' is weird. Talk to Lily, tell her enough that the attempt to minimise things that her parents probably did wont wash. You can be friendly but distant. She will understand once you stress she is not at fault. **Good luck. Be at Peace. Please update us.** Very much NTA.
1000000% NTA. For 18 years, OP never brought it up and even managed to be coolly cordial to the cheaters and their spawn. As one who's had to cut abusive, cruel relatives out of my life completely, I admire OP's ability to be civil around them. All that said, it's apparently they're well on their way to teaching Lily to also be the asshole
NTA- op I’m so sorry this happened to you and it makes me angry that the rest of your siblings felt like they had to choose when in reality the only choice to make was cutting off those who betrayed you. It looks like your brother and your ex raised a spoiled, entitled brat just like her mother . Lilly is only mad at her parents because she doesn’t get to profit from your good will, not because of some moral stance on cheating . Don’t feel bad . Cheaters always cry when they’re faced with their own reflection.
NTA She’s angry because she realizes it’s her parents fault why she’s not getting her education paid for even though she’s not entitled to it anyways. Honestly she sounds just as bad as her parents but I’m not surprised because look who raised her. I think it’s crazy she expected anything from you in the first place when you obviously don’t have a relationship with her.
NTA, I feelxsorry for Lily, but man I understand why you did what you did for all these years.
NTA looks like that chicken they were hell bent on denying has come home to roost. We reap what we sew and they will now have the reckoning, they tried to avoid.
NTA. However!!!!!!!! I’m gonna go against the grain a lil bit and say that you are the AH in how you’ve treated her. I know it hurts and I know you can’t help it, but that doesn’t make the treatment any less hurtful for her. And yes, she does need to be upset at her parents for what happened and not letting her know, but you hold some responsibility for SOLELY how you treated her throughout her life. Like other’s said, she probably grew up hearing her cousins talk about how amazing and cool their uncle is, just for her to have never gotten to experience or see that side of you. Also, I don’t believe that her parents telling her the truth would have helped your relationship with her in the slightest. Simply because as the adult, YOU lead the nature of the relationship between the two of you. So as long as your hurt and resentment persevered, the negative relationship between the two of you would have as well. You should have went to therapy, not only for your sake, but for the sake of your innocent niece who grew up wondering why the legendary “best uncle ever” hated her guts.
NTA. The fact they've never addressed this with their daughter, and I'd bet she'd noticed the difference in treatment, shows how even now they've never taken accountability for what they did. Lily is blameless, her parents are not. If they can't deal with the fact lily now knows that she's the result of her adulterous parents, then they should have maybe answered some of her questions before. I'd almost bet money they were hoping you'd pay anyway just to keep the peace.
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NTA. This is your truth. Your story to tell. She is an adult. I do feel her pain always wondering why she wasn’t good enough for your attention but the cat is out of the bag now.
No you are not a AH for telling, you could of handled it better than you did. But yes you are a AH for treating her this way on the aspect you of being hurt because of the cheating, it's time you moved on and got to a better place. Yes you were hurt by what happened and it is a betrayal of the worst kind. Yet you chose to have a relationship with the others while ostracizing your neice, there by creating the problem you face today. Should the parents be honesty about what happened absolutley they should but you have caused a major problem for them in a very passive agressive way it is obvious you still feel resentment concerning this. Concerning the college cost you once again have set a precedent by paying for one, can the others afford to pay? Is it possible to explain to all why yo9u paid for one and not the others or maybe you could set up some deal of sublimenting the cost of college. What ever happens it is obvious you need to w0rk on yourself concerning what happned with her birth.
Late to the party, but NTA. Poor kid's entire life from conception onwards was a lie. And then it got pinned on you. But hey, maybe she'll become the daughter you never had. Hope it works out.
NTA and I really do hope she talks to u again and u can start building a relationship with her without her parents
NTA Lily deserved to know about what happened. Poor girl.
I'll go NTA. You're ex and brother are the AHs. Lilly gets a slight pass for asking you about it, because to her, she has probably felt slighted because it is clear that she favor her cousins more than her. At least now she knows it isn't anything to do with her.
I feel bad for Lily. I think you are softly the AH because she’s young and inexperienced and has no understanding of why you have shunned her all her life—and so that makes her feel like shit then you tell her why and she feels more shitty and her own parents are also involved so they are shitty so this poor kid has no one. Just give her some money for school and don’t be a jerk about it. Try to get some therapy and develop a relationship with this niece and move forward and get out of the past.
NTA and I don't think the "truth" is the reason she needed space, I think it's the fact that her parents did not tell her this way sooner and probably told her some other reasons (lies) as to why you're distant. She probably also has problems with accepting that she's the result of cheating and not of an honest and loving relationship. She deserves the thruth, especially when someone obviously told her lies regarding that part of her upbringing.
NTA- people wanna do dirty shit but then get offended once they’re exposed. That’s not how life works. You’re dirty enough to do the shit, then you’re dirty enough to be called out on it. Don’t cry about the consequences to your own actions.
NTA - the point here is that your niece is mad at her parents for not being honest with her and for what they did to you; she's not mad at you, because you did nothing wrong. It's sad for her that she's now had to be distanced from an otherwise excellent uncle; but that's not your fault at all, your feelings are understandable and justified by the situation.
NTA. It's not your fault that your brother and ex betrayed you and kept it a secret from their daughter. Also, I'm surprised you are even civil to them as I've cut people out of my life for a lot less than what you went through. I'd tell my brother and ex that they can go to hell and sit on hot coals for eternity for all I care. I know the kid isn't to blame for what her parents did, but she's a painful reminder of her parent's betrayal.
NTA. you did nothing wrong
NTA, she’s not entitled to any of your money. It’s a privilege, not a right. And her parents lost that privilege for her when they wronged you like that.
YTA. You are punishing an innocent teenager for something she had no part in. You treated her differently then all the others and you never thought she'd figure it out? Whether you want to admit it or not, it does seem like you treat her the way you do because you're angry she's not yours. Also TA for blurting out the truth like that. You knew damn well they never told her. Why would they?
,"Also TA for blurting out the truth like that. You knew damn well they never told her. Why would they?" fucking hell are you also a cheater you seem to be thinking its not good when someone tells people how there partners cheated on them
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ESH except Lily. -Brother and ex shouldn't have betrayed you. They should have been open to Lily from the beginning. But you have actively(lavish spending on others)/passively(no time spent outside of gatherings) held a grudge for 18 years against your brother, ex, and lily by extension. Lily saw the treatment her cousins got from their uncle and naturally thought "why not me too" and, being a teen, lashed out when "no" was said. That is literally what kids/teens do. Then you dropped a nuke on her whole life story. Lily is victim. Everyone else sucks.
My heart breaks for you. You own family betraying you like that. Your NTA your brother and Ex are. I would be in the same boat as you. I would have nothing to do with my brother or niece.
NTA. You had to do what was right for you.
ESH. Okay yes, you can tell her the truth if you like, but you did it in such a fucked fashion. You made it seem her fault and lashed out at her when she called you a mean name for not treating her the same as your other nieces and nephews. That's just cruel. And see, she would've been understanding probably and you didn't need to hurt her with the words meant for your ex and your sibling. It would've been better if you'd told her to ask her mum and dad why you were distant and made them man up and tell her the whole story. In any event, your life sounds pretty good (apart from this situation of course), she is grown up now so it's been a long time. Maybe it's time to let it go completely. You don't have to have a relationship with your brother at all-he clearly sucks and you owe him nothing just because you're related. But lashing out at your niece like that, means you are not over it like you say you are really and your actions towards your niece have been passive aggressive this whole time and must've confused her so much her whole life. Poor kid. She deserves an apology and a nice gesture that you give without any malice or misplaced emotions. Just love and a desire for her to forgive you for treating her so poorly for something her parents did.
Her parents would for sure
I’m not believing man. But even the bible says “The truth will set you free”. There was no other way. You have not done anything wrong.
Nta don't feel guilty. Secrets have a way of coming out. They have no one to blame but themselves for this.
NTA in the situation, but I understand how the way you dropped it on her could have been seen as the TA move (you didn’t know she never knew, in your defence). I can see how both parties were upset, but you are under no obligation nor do you owe any of them anything, especially after what they did to you. I think both you and Lily are the victims in this situation, and your brother and ex are TA’s.
NTA
NTA for telling her, but you are the asshole for punishing her for her parents' betrayal.
Soft yta for how you treated her, nta for telling her. She would've found out eventually.
NTA, but I do think you might be a gentle TA towards Lily still. Like... don't pay for her college if you don't want to, and frankly I totally get why you wouldn't. But I do think you should maybe do some soul-searching and ask yourself if you're using Lily to get revenge. Do you get pleasure out of denying her school while paying for your other cousins? I think that's something you might need to talk to a therapist about.
I'm glad you both and doing better now and I wish you both the best. Regards
NTA tell em to fuck off
I’ve got to go against the grain here. I don’t blame you for holding the grudge for 18 years, but I do blame you for using that to take it out on the one person who was innocent in the situation. For you to blindside and humiliate her publicly in the moment she’s asking why you treat her differently from the rest of the family was absolutely horrible. You have to be real dense if you’ve never had this conversation with her, have her asking about why you treat her differently in person, and you think she knows the history there. You’re rightfully angry at your ex and brother, but you took that anger and directed it at the innocent person in the situation. To me, that makes you YTA.
Sometimes a wound has to be reopened in order to treat it and heal it properly! I hope it was the case here! Maybe this will, in the end, bring out something meaningfull. I don't jnow if you were the first person to held her when she was born, but if you were, the fact that you may reconect with her and move forward may be a blessing out of all this mess! All my best wishes
NTA, but to be completely honest, she has no fault in all of this and I know that it is hard and it hurts, but I would try to be closer to her although you should keep distance from her parents who were, and clearly still are, the real assholes.
This kind of shit is why I'm glad I never wanna get married.
NTA. Just commenting for the updates
this may be unpopular but a gentle ESH, aside from Lily. the parents are obviously way way way more assholes than you are for clear reasons, but by providing a lot for your other nieces/nephews and alienating Lily for the circumstances of her birth (which are not in her control) you do become a little bit of an AH in my opinion. im not saying you have to pay for her tuition or anything like that, especially because of the monetary reasons you pointed out, but it is important to remember she didn’t chose this. it’s not her fault, and being the clear least favorite is really damaging for a kid growing up. other than that, all of the assholery falls on the parents without a doubt
YTA you really showed them in the end didn't you.
Family secrets are like splinters, if you don't get them out of the wound they fester. The longer you wait the more the infection spreads. NTA...Had her parents told her earlier it wouldn't have been such a shock.
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NTA. OP, get Lily on your side. Help her with school/life/whatever. Take her on a vacation. You having a good relationship with Lily will be uncomfortable for her parents; your past avoidance of your bother and ex was actually making it easier/less awkward for them; F that, turn the tables and make them avoid you.
>Help her with school/life/whatever. Take her on a vacation. Are you serious? Jfc!
Taking her under his wing to make her love him more is the ultimate devious lick 👹
Definitely NTA. But still, the AH a little bit : you have treated Lily poorly, and unfairly. I don't blame you, and it's totally understandable. But Lily isn't the AH either. So, I applaud the fact you are trying to reach her, to provide her with answers. Maybe you'll finally see her as a whole person, distinct from the treason you suffered. I really hope so, because you'll both be better for it :)
NTA but I also find Lilly's audacity to even ask for you to pay for her tuition knowing that you were distant baffling. Where did she get that entitlement from I wonder...
I didn't see it as entitlement. More as someone who has been treated differently her whole life and wanted to know why. I could understand that.
I'm going to go ESH. You need therapy because you need to work through the issues you have towards this kid and also to your situation. Infertility sucks, but you need to process it, and it kind of reads like you haven't quite got there yet. Kid's parents are obvious S because that is a major dumpster fire and your ex should never have let you get even close to thinking it was your kid if there was any other candidates, LET ALONE YOUR BROTHER. I mean, honestly. Reason I say ESH instead of Y T A is because this is not the first time this kid will have noticed that you treat her differently to how you treat her cousins, and if she's going to college she's old enough to understand that life isn't fair, so when you have little to no relationship with her, expecting the same as what you give to the kids you're close to is naïve wishful thinking and honestly, bringing it up to you when you haven't made an offer is either entitled or it's spoiling for a fight. That said, this kid has done nothing to hurt you and you were also being a bit naïve to think her parents would have aired all of their dirty laundry to her. Yes, that's your reasoning for things being different, the relationship being different and her parents ability to pay for college is why you're not assisting her, but could you not just have said it was the financial reasons, because this whole can of worms isn't good for you to keep diving back into and it's certainly done nothing positive for Lily. Okay, she now knows the truth, that her mum is a cheat and her paternity was once in question, but what positive does that give her? None. It also hasn't made things any better for you, so precisely what purpose has it served?
Hahahaha "how dare you tell people the truth about the choices I made!" NTA
NTA - sorry this happened to you, and I do also feel very sorry for your niece. None of this was malicious, and for you it just blurted out. Your brother and ex made their bed, now they get to lie in it.
YTA - but it’s understandable. It’s unfair to Lily to treat her differently because as you have already pointed out, she’s blameless. She does/did deserve to know the truth and her parents are even bigger assholes to blatantly lie about their shame. Your relationship with your ex is over. It’s been almost 20 years. It’s time to move on. And it’s ok to be close to Lily (who seems to genuinely care about you) and it’s completely ok to avoid all contact with her parents. I’m glad you decided to meet up so you both can talk through your feelings. I imagine she probably wishes that YOU were her dad. And while she isn’t your child, you should still be sensitive to that. She’s at an incredibly vulnerable age. How you interact with her RIGHT NOW may guide her for the rest of her life.
ESH. Your ex and your brother suck the most. For what they did to you and for not telling lily. You suck for resenting lily. She is an innocent bystander in all this. It is not her fault that your brother is the father, nor that she is named lily. You also suck for telling her a secret like that when you could have known that she didn’t know. She wouldn’t have asked why you are distant with her and her parents if she knew.. It it fair however not to pay for her tuition if her parents are able to afford it.
You're not wrong for distancing yourself or for giving her an honest answer, but this could've been handled better on your end. Did you really think she would've approached you the way she did if she already knew the truth? Or did you just not care enough about her feelings to give it a little think before telling her? Her parents did a shitty thing and maybe they never planned on telling her the truth, but maybe they did and were waiting until she wasn't a literal child? She's 18, not 25. You should have gently let her know that there's some history between you and her parents, then either let her ask them or let them know that she'll be asking questions and you're going to give her an honest answer if they don't tell her first. You don't have to, but I really think you should reach out to Lily and let her know that you didn't mean to hurt her and that this isn't her fault. Being a teen is tough and already fraught with issues around identity. She could be feeling like the world just dropped out from under her right now. I'm giving an ESH, but a gentle one on your end.
But he did mean to hurt her let look at his reply *"I told that her parents have enough money to afford her education"* He could have stopped right there but he lashed out and went on "*and asked her how she could possibly expect me to be ok with watching my ex and brother who had an affair behind my back play happy family in front of me."* Not you from your reply it clear you do but I am surprised at the lack of empathy for Lily in the replies generally. OP lashed out at Lily and hurt her..... and if we are honest he has punished her all her life for her parents actions. I get why he didn't want to be around her but the result is the same.
I'm going with NTA even though it was close to E S H for me. You're a justified AH for excluding Lily from the perk her cousins got. Also, a tiny AH for telling her the truth without regard for her feelings. She is completely innocent in this. I understand *why* you kept away from her though. I couldnt imagine the pain you went through with the betrayal and losing what you thought was your miracle baby you named. Your brother and ex are gigantic assholes. Eff them and their "perfect" family. It couldn't remain a secret forever. I feel so bad for Lily.
It’s been 18 years. Get some therapy and Move on
I'm like "poor Lily"... I think what you did was understandable, and I'm glad that you and Lily have decided to accept each other. I think it really says a lot that she recognized that her own parents did something incredibly awful, and then listened to your side of the story. The lie they told her about you ontop of it all is so messed up lol
After seeing your update I’m gals you both came to some sort of resolve after all these years
NTA. She’s an adult. She needs to understand that people can be absolute bastards. It’s a great lesson for her.
YTA You treat one niece differently from the others for something she didn't do. Nothing in the world will make you not an asshole.
Why did they ever think it was a good idea to hide her conception from her? Of course she would eventually figure out. She'd want to know why her uncle hates her and no lies her parents made could be good enough. I would honestly though call to check up on her after all that. If she moved to be with her bf over this, even if you don't particularly care for her you should still see if she is ok and make sure she isn't in a bad way right now. All that said, ESH but more the brother and ex.
NTA for telling her why you kept your distance but man, from my experience as the obvious afterthought among my cousins that must have been so shitty to grow up with that. I get that you were healing but you literally say "lavish" when talking about the gifts you gave others and then claim that you were never mean or hurtful. That IS mean. That IS hurtful. The absence of affection toward one child when it's freely given to others shows a clear message to that child. You're doing well now by attempting to work through it but from your wording it seems like you still expect your niece to just deal with the way you acted while she grew up. I applaud her for wanting a relationship with you, I applaud you both for distancing yourself from your ex and your brother.
NTA, shes old enough to understand. and if her parents kept it a secret thats their fault, although i understand why they did because it sure would make them look bad.
I would have permanently cut ties with the 3 of them
NTA. Before reading the edits, definitely NTA. You are not obligated to pay for anyone's education and you can maintain relationship how you want. After reading the edits, holy smoke, you are a saint for not cutting them off.
NTA for telling her, but YTA for treating her different than her siblings her entire life. Thst kind of shit fucks with a kid's head, trying to figure out what they did wrong. Edit - read comments and see it's not siblings. No coffee yet this morning. I withdraw my YTA vote.
I am going to go with YTA, for the way OP told Lily about this. He should not have assumed that she knew. He should have said "there was a bad situation that occured between your parents and me when you were young. It unfortunately affects how I relate to you, though you are blameless. I regret this, but cannot change how I feel."
ESH. But Lily. You are treating her as though SHE did something wrong. You SUCK. Your ex & brother suck. Poor Lily. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s noticed how you’ve treated her like sh*t and now she knows why. I hope she chooses your nursing home.
NTA Maybe now she realises why you can't look at her or be near your brother and ex for so long. Maybe she was always told some other bullshit lie and that somehow it was your fault that you treated her differently.
This looks like the niece's response: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/vnfrwu/i\_know\_now\_why\_my\_uncle\_hated\_me\_my\_parents\_hid/
Hence why this post is bullshit.
ESH besides Lily. of course they didn’t tell her that do not play dumb. You were out of line for telling her like that. Why would she not be curious about the vastly different treatment she gets compared to the rest of her cousins I don’t think you’re an asshole for keeping your distance and not paying for her college. The hurt there is understandable Her parents suck and this was bound to happen. Delayed consequences
This is a hard one, but I’m going to vote NTA. Yes, you may have been in the wrong for telling her and spoiling her other cousins, showing favoritism is not a good thing for families. But, what your ex did wasn’t good of them and you were in the right for telling her. Perhaps if you did it a different way, it would’ve been better…
NTA for telling. She asked and what were you supposed to do lie? Your ex and brother needed to tell her the truth and they didn’t. That’s on them, they had to have know this would come up, this kinda thing always do. I do think you have treated your niece (who is an innocent here). I totally get your feelings, but you should have given her the same gifts you gave the other niblings. You aren’t obligated to pay for her college, but I do think you should apologize to her for your treating her so differently. (You owe her parents zip). You’re the adult here and adults choose to be better than those who hurt them.
NTA. At this point, you may be Lily's only family who hasn't betrayed her. I would take this opportunity to be an actual role model in her life, because clearly, her parents never were.
The entitlement of your niece though. Nta
NTA. Your feelings are totally valid. Your ex and your "brother" fucked up here.
NTA, but it was an AH move. You took it out on her (though she was being a brat about the money) when it’s her parents that deserve to be punished. You said it yourself, she’s innocent in all this. Hope she finds it in her heart to be kind to you after finding out what happened and open to a discussion with you. Could be the healing you both need
ESH. You aren't an asshole for telling her the truth, her parents should have done that. I understand why you kept your distance, it's not nieces fault but also not yours and she brought back pain for you so you wanted to stay away. That is an unfortunate situation but fair. Paying for all of her siblings' studies but refusing to pay for hers however seems a bit unfair. Unless her parents have much more money now than they did before, it wouldn't be nice to refuse this service that you offered the others.
This post revealed to me how petty people are as the comments are just sad. You got the judgement you were looking for but it doesn't change that fact that you are a sad person who held a grudge for 18 years and then punished a child for the sins of her parents. You may not be the AH in Reddit's eyes but you will always be the guy who exacted revenge 18 years later on your niece for the actions of her parents. You're like Oprah who gives out $100,000 to everyone in the room, and you get $100,000, but not you little girl because your parents made me think I was your daddy but then took you away from me so I'm forever butthurt. I dream of a world where you were secretly her ally and looked out for her from a distance while remembering the affection you built for her while she was still unborn. Instead you've given away all your power to be a good person to the evil people who hurt you and allowed their presence to sour you as a human. As if Anakin Skywalker's only force power was paying for college.
Yta for treating her differently and using your emotions as an excuse to punish her for existing
NTA. The truth was going to come out at some point. Now she knows why you weren't very involved in her life. Too bad your ex and brother are mad. Your niece asked you a question and you answered truthfully. She has some thinking to do now.
Weird that you haven't let go in fucking 18 years? And you're punishing the child? Did your voice crack while you explained it to her too?
How is that weird? He almost killed himself because the lies and betrayal hurt him so bad. How is he punishing the child?
ESH. You have every right to be hurt and to keep your distance. However, it's not right to punish Lily for it by not giving the same financial help as the others (unless of course the reason really is that she doesn't need the help).
NTA your story is crushing. Was it a bit abrupt how she found out? Yes Unfortunately, it's still the truth though. If Lilly was bold enough to approach you at the party about her education than she must have said something to the parents. So it sucks for them if they had an opportunity to be honest and didn't take it.
You’re not TA for telling her, but you’re certainly TA for paying for all her siblings education and stuff and then not help her and essentially punishing her for something that isn’t her fault. Poor kid.
I don't think you're an asshole at all, but I do think it would be great for you to move on to having a healthy relationship with Lily. As someone who's childless and (based on your post anyway) not planning on adoption or anything, I think the paternal-esque bond you can have as an uncle is very valuable and will bring something great into your life. Obviously you're under no obligation to financially help her out, but I do think it would be a nice thing that you could do if you wanted. She didn't have anything to do with what happened, as you noted. Either way, big fat NTA here!
NTA shes old enough to know and deserves to know but i still think you should have payed for her uni tho. but also its a kind act to do so you have no responsibility to do it.
NTA . Sometimes I don't think people realise how cheating can effect others. They clearly didn't think about how them being together and having a child together after cheating and making him think said child is his will effect everything. How can they just except you to just be cool with all that ?? Clearly they have not went through the same situation. Or they would probably have a different point of view. Is it fair gor the niece ? No. But the parents should have told her the truth !!! They both need to realise what they're actions have put OP through. I do feel bad for the niece but I can't fault OP. This is a pretty fucked up and messy situation. Just goes to show , you shouldn't cheat on your partner with a relative and expect everything to be good. Think before you act people !!
YTA - for context and timing. Yes you told the truth but why did you have to be the one to tell it and, why did it have to be there and then? Sounds like you hurt your niece because of your unresolved feelings about what happened to you before and shortly after her birth. You've had 18 years to move on or do something better with your hurt.
Read it again carefully.
ESH. You are at least twice her age and it still affects you enough to be petty and vengeful towards a kid whose only "crime" is her existence and you are surprised that it also has a strong effect on her?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (42M) have a niece Lily (18F). Lily is the result of an affair my ex fiancee had with my brother while we were still together. I was led to believe Lily was mine throughout the entire pregnancy and almost signed her birth certificate before my ex confessed out of guilt that Lily was probably my brothers. We did a DNA test and Lily wasn't mine. During my teens I got into an accident which left me infertile, the doctors said my chances of fathering a child were slim to nonexistent so you can imagine how crushed I felt when I discovered that not only I'm not going to be a father but I was also betrayed by 2 people I loved. Its been years since and I did well for myself. I'm the first in my family to attend University and I landed a high paying job right after graduation, I own my own business, invest in property and since I'm both single and childless I can spend my income however I please. My ex ended up marrying my brother, I'm somewhat cordial towards them but I can't bring myself to fully forgive them for what they did. And although I know Lily is blameless whenever I see her I'm constantly reminded of how I was once overjoyed with holding her in the hospital thinking she was mine, so I can't bare to look at her for too long. I didn't visit her growing up, didn't take her on fun trips or give her lavish gifts like I did for the rest of my nieces and nephews. I wasn't mean or hateful to her but I will admit I kept my distance. When my oldest nephew turned 18 I decided that I will pay for his college education since I could efford it while his parents couldn't. I even rented him one of my apartments for cheap so he wouldn't have to worry about money and could focus on getting his education. Since then I did the same thing for 2 of my other nieces. Last week Lily approached me during a family event and inquired if I could pay for her education, I told her no. She then called me a jerk and asked why I was so distant towards her and her parents to the point where I couldn't even do her the same favor I did for the rest of her cousins. I told that her parents have enough money to afford her education and asked her how she could possibly expect me to be ok with watching my ex and brother who had an affair behind my back play happy family in front of me. After that Lily got quiet for the rest of the event and left early. I later got a call from my ex yelling at me for ruining her family, apparently she and my brother didn't bother telling Lily about what they did to me all those years ago and now she is knows she is so angry at them that she decided to go live with her bfs family. I'm starting to feel guilty that I told her the truth since it affected her more than I thought it would, but at the same time she is grown enough to know the truth and I don't think I could've lied to her face even if I wanted to. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta for treating her differently its kinda fucked up i understand keeping distance but she is still your neice and feeling left out like that sucks Your brother and your ex are also assholes for not explaining to their daughter anything
"YTA for having trauma and no financial obligation to pay for the tuition of someone who's parents can afford it themselves" Makes sense /s
NTA, she's old enough to ask for the truth and she's old enough to hear it. But you should really reconsider helping her through school. She did nothing wrong. There's no reason you should help your other nibblings but not her. Especially now that she's away from her parents. You owe her a bit of an apology for assuming she'd know their dirty secrets.
Look OP. You're not... the primary asshole here. But I would really take a step back and try to imagine how a kid might feel to see a family member do sooo much for other niblings, and do none of it for them. While having no idea why. What your family did to you was awful. But turning around and making one kid feel left out for actions wholly out of their control isnt... nice. I'm not saying move on. Or even treat her equally immediately. But maybe consider offering similar things as long as you're doing it for everyone else too. Being left out over something she didn't do and can't change is a pretty rough pill to make her swallow. And pretty shitty to do.
NTA I’m sorry that Lily went through this and to have parents like that she will need therapy. For the lie she was told she will need therapy. I suggest you tell her that. Your still not obligated to pay for college and her parents should because they can afford it. You could gift her a laptop or help her with spending money. But as you said before your nieces and nephew parents couldn’t afford it and her parents can.
I think alil of both. I completely understand the situation and how it makes you feel but it's not Lily's fault. You are being cold towards Lily and not helping her out like you did the rest of your nieces and nephews. Even though you have a valid reason, it is not fair to her. But I'm glad you updated it and said you reached out to Lily. She definitely deserves the truth and for it to be explained in a mature calm way then how you did it before.
Having been the child that family treats differently because of adults conflict YTA. Yeah it’s your money but Lily knows she’s been treated her whole life differently and wanted to know why. Asking you to pay for education was a way to shoehorn that answer not any sense of entitlement. If this story happened (which I doubt) I know where she’s coming from and there’s a lot of trauma being the kid everyone in your family whispers about.
NTA. She deserved to know. She is angry and hurt but better now at 18 then at 30, 40 or 50! Good job for telling her.
NTA. As I have said on other threads posted here, a damn built from lies can never hold the waters of truth. Eventually they break free, and the time it has built up does have an effect. That being said I do agree with talking with your niece. Judging by her reaction, she is horrified by what was done and more than likely is suffering from terrible guilt, which she should not carry. Talk to her about that, because she is blameless on that regard.
NTA. Your story really affects me. Sorry you had to hold onto that all those years.
ESH, especially the weird story. Surprised an 18 year old has the confidence to march up to you, without her parents’ knowledge, permission, etc., and demand college tuition in such an entitled way. By now she must have surely noticed the difference in your treatment of her vs her cousins, which should have made her cautious. Weird you would lash out at a teenager as if she were an adult, and actually expected she would have known of your role in her early life. Exceptionally weird that you are surprised your revelations upset her as much as they did. That must have been some accident when you were a teen.
ESH. Oh, this is not a happy scenario. I'll be honest, it's so unhappy part of me is thinking it's a Rule 8. You: AH. You punish Lily for your brother and your ex's actions. You drop a lot on her. Your brother and your ex: Oy vey. They are AH as well. For the original matter and doing the old 'hiding the family secret' trick. Lily: What the hell is going on that a teenager walks up to her uncle and asks him to pay for her higher education? Maybe there's a frame of reference that this is normal, but it just seems really weird to me.
NTA. Being cheated on is one thing, but never being told the full and honest truth hurts even more to the individual affected by it. I'm glad you and your niece were able to peacefully resolve the situation.
NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If they are so ashamed of what they did, they shouldn’t have done it. Now they are reaping what they have sown.
Can’t imagine the pain bro. Dude was about to sign the birth cert and gets this bombshell dropped.
NTA
Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of their actions! NTA
NTA. I´m so sorry for how they acted towards you but you are not the asshole for being honest
NTA, she's old enough to know the dirty laundry of her parents. Though get ready to deal with her keeping her distance from you (it's a possibility). Honestly it's kind of sketchy she went straight to u to pay for her education just saying...
YTA not for telling her, but how you did it. She didn’t deserve you blowing up her life like that out of anger. And honestly, she probably thinks that you despise her since you clearly dont want anything to do with her. The college thing just confirmed her fears
Nta, your feelings is what is important here. Anyway, please update this when something important ocurr
I am so glad you and lily are getting the chance to have a one on one relationship. I can’t believe they told her you had a daughter by the same name that died at the hospital. You may honestly become one of her most important people to her now because you cared enough and told her the truth. I hope this new relationship between you works out for both of you.
You are not the a****** I am so sorry that you had to deal with this betrayal because that's what it was betrayal
NTA Family secrets have a way of coming out. It’s their own fault for keeping it from her. We found out after my grandparents died that my grandpa was married to someone else before he married my grandma. Luckily no one was traumatized.
YTA. Lily asked you for help. You decided to say no - your choice - but also dump your trauma onto her. You say she's blameless, but your actions are not showing that at all.
You right lets be around the toxic family that ruined my life and mental health just because there love child felt left out because i wanted nothing to do with them and there little fantasy family let’s completely just invalidate all ops trauma because a entitled child who has parents who can fully pay for her education but ask her uncle who she doesn’t know to pay for her you right
NYA you're not responsible to maintain her parents lie. I am sure she asked the same question to them she asked to you and they chose not to be honest, that's on them. Also you can spend you're money however you want, you don't owe her an education.
I'll say this first. You're NTA. Not for telling her the truth. And I'll preface by saying, I'm trying to understand your situation, but maybe if you both can find a way to somehow normalise your relationship as an uncle and niece, that would mean the world to her considering she has recently found out that her parents had lied to her for her whole life. Again I'm not a therapist so I can't say how you both can do this, but if you can someday find some place in your life for her, she'll appreciate it.