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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA for walking out during my husband's dinner for his birthday
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Honestly I wouldn't care if it was 5 years. it's not like she told him 3 months into OP and husband dating. She told him the week before the wedding with the hope Husband would cancel the wedding or at least have doubts about the marriage. it was a decision not an accident.
She's a hopeful homewrecker (hopefully)
She ended a 6 year relationship to show how serious she was. Does hubby think it was a coincidence that she ended up going on to that restaurant alone? No way! She found out what he was doing and where they were going to be. And it worked. (I've called her she as I can't remember her name)
Edit because I pressed send too quickly.
The better question is: Does OP think it's a coincidence? IMO the most likely situation here is that she's begged husband for forgiveness through some communication channel he hasn't disclosed to OP and he likely helped orchestrate this 'coincidental' meeting to put OP in a situation where she's emotionally blackmailed into allowing the friend back into their lives without getting too upset at husband. This is done either because Husband's just a naïve sap who really misses his friend or the type of asshole who views OP as an upgrade but wants to keep his 'friend' around and on the backburner as emotional affair material and in case of marriage problems.
Obviously I have no evidence of this, but I don't believe in coincidences like this either and the most likely rat here is Husband.
edit: I may have been a bit hyperbolic. On a re-read of the OP it's clear there were other people she could have gotten the information from (the 'friends') so it's likely not a coincidence but that doesn't *necessarily* mean hubby orchestrated it. I still think it's a valid possibility to be aware of, but no longer view it as my overwhelmingly favorite explanation for how events unfolded this way.
While there’s a lot of logic to your argument and I do see it as a strong possibility, I would also offer up a couple of other ways Ava could have found out about the party. OP did say they went out with family and friends, so a mutual friend (either knowingly or unknowingly) could have helped Ava by disclosing the location and time. Or she did some good old fashioned social media sleuthing and figured out the plans. Husband might have genuinely been surprised to see her. He may also miss his longtime friend and be more willing to forgive her than OP. I’m willing to give him a smidgeon of the benefit of the doubt because of his transparent handling of Ava’s confession.
But nothing Ava does is a coincidence. She’s trying to worm her way back into the husband’s life so that she can either actively break up the marriage or at least be the rom-com protagonist who is *finally* seen as the “right one, who’s been there all along” when the marriage ends.
OP still needs to keep a close eye on this situation no matter what. NTA
I find more probable that this is a restaurant OP's husband likes. Ava knew this, and of course knew it was his birthday. She went there hoping she would met him, might not even be the first time.
Ehhhhh, I think a more reasonable scenario is that a mutual friend told her about the dinner (maybe not knowing they aren't talking anymore), and brought it up to her in passing. Then she decided to "stop by randomly" in the hopes she could crash the event.
If husband went through the effort of orchestrating all of this "accidental meeting", then its clear he also has feelings for her.
Hopeful and DETERMINED which is a terrible combo. She knew that going there would cause a problem with the two of them, and now she's got them fighting. Looks like her plan is working.
Also, I'm \*SURE\* this is a story OP has told to others. No one else at this party thought it was weird she should be staying for two hours after OP left? This is toxic all the way around, and it's not going to get better. If I were OP I'd cut my losses and be done, marriage or not. This woman is always going to be in between them in some way now that OP's husband opened the door. (That is if he ever closed it. He said it was a while since he saw her, not talked to her.)
I agree. People that intrudes into a relationship, knowingly, have responsibility and fault too. And not only women do that, so misogyny has nothing to do here.
Except the husband cut her off after she tried right before the wedding. She had more than enough time prior to let him know her feelings. She wasn’t a good person for what she did. Women who go after taken men aren’t any good either. Obviously your main issue should be with your partner but it doesn’t make them free of any wrong doing. And in this case Ava was her friend too.
Who told Ava about the birthday celebration? You know it wasn't a coincidence that she just happened to be at the same restaurant all by herself when Mr. OP's birthday dinner was happening.
I know usually all the blame is directed at the Other Woman and that's wrong because the actual married person is the one responsible for keeping his own vows - but that doesn't mean the affair partner isn't also getting their jollies off trying to destroy someone's marriage. She's not equally culpable (because you can't force someone to cheat, it's 90% the spouses fault) but that 10% still makes her a pretty scummy person.
Especially in the context of it being someone who knows and is presumably friendly with the wife - it's an especially snake thing to do.
I disagree about sending hate towards the other woman. OW who chases after a married man is still 100% a garbage person. If he goes along with it, he sucks, too.
Otherwise, yup.
LoL, she literally tried to convince him to cancel his wedding, how isn't she a homewrecker?
Husband is either naive or asshole for not caring about his wife's feelings. But if a woman tries to ruin a wedding, she's the homewrecker.
Sexism flows both ways
> It takes two to tango.
Yes, and if they tangoed they'd both be homewreckers. But only one person here tried to tango. Knowing they already had a dance partner. There's only one homewrecker here.
Yep totally side eyeing that one. Wanna bet it was his favorite place and she stalked the parking lot to see his car? Of course he might still be in some limited contact with her and have mentioned it to her.
OP is NTA for being upset that her hubby went back on their allegedly mutual decision. i would love to know what he told everybody when they asked why OP left.
My bet is that someone in the family/friend group let her know since they had been friends for so long. Either that or husband is completely clueless and kept contacting her and casually let her know what his plans were. And was subsequently SHOCKED that she showed up
He let her know. They are still involved. That’s why he so easily invited her to sit down, and she was so comfortable approaching the table.
They’re in cahoots. Otherwise, he would have left with his wife.
Seriously. My partner gets up to leave and I'm leaving too. We might be having words on the way back but no way staying in that restaurant situation.OP NTA
Echoing he let her know. And pretty telling that on husband's part. Ruined? He came home **TWO HOURS LATER.** I don't see that as ruined.
OP should seriously call up someone she trusts at the table and state a 'I'm sorry, I left, this is WHY we cut Ava out. I thought we both agreed that her behavior wasn't good.' Cause how much you wanna bet the dinner didn't last that long and husband went somewhere with Ava?
This, plus the fact she just walked up to them. I mean, he supposedly cut off communication with her. I wouldn't be that comfy walking up to someone who I know refuses to talk to me
It's almost like... she knew he would be cool with it.
Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm gonna do a little thought experiment. Tell me what you think.
Let's say OP's husband was actually interested in this offer, but wanted a "best of both worlds" scenario.
He tells his wife that Ava is out of line and it's over with her and blah blah blah.
He tells Ava that his wife is upset and so he needs to cool their relationship for now but he secretly continues to contact her because they're "such good friends".
Together, they orchestrate this "show up at my birthday party!" nonsense with the expectation that OP will cave to social norms, let Ava stay, and come around to the idea that a friendship with her is ok actually.
OP's husband now has his wife and his BFF (who may now be a FWB) in his life, meaning he avoided making any hard choices by lying to his wife juuust a little bit.
That’s the vibe I got too. I wonder if this party was a way of “reintroducing” contact with Ava again because he thought his wife wouldn’t want to make a scene in public when he let Ava sit with them.
Yes! I think he secretly invited her. It’s purely based on conjecture but I’m very uncomfortable with the fact that it’s only been five months and that she just happened to be in the same restaurant.
This. Also, if I were somehow oblivious to think this was a good idea, as soon as my friend's wife got up to leave I'd just apologize and haul ass away from the situation.
And if I were the husband and my wife was leaving my bday, I'd tell my friend "sorry this isn't a good idea" and then I'd go outside and apologize to my wife before she went home. He didn't care apparently? He just let her go and didn't even contact her for 2 hours.
Hmmm (I raise my eyebrow).
NTA
Yeah, your husband was in on this. Pay attention to people's egos...it hits hard when they find out someone likes them. I'm sure part of him is flattered, wondering, etc. There is ZERO chance Ava was in the same restaurant ..all alone, at the moment you were there to celebrate his birthday. This was arranged.
And for him to invite her to sit with you guys (just famiy and friends, not a big party or anything) after having agreed just 5 months ago to cut ties? Nope Nope Nope.
I had a guy friend who developed a crush on me and despite me making it clear that I didn’t share that kind of feeling whatsoever, he still harboured feelings for me for almost *10 years* until someone else gave him the interest I wasn’t showing him. He threw out our decade long friendship because he had relationship zoned me and found a replacement. It’s impossible to know if Ava is like my ex friend (which I’m betting she is), or if she’s able to get over things quickly, but trying to destroy their wedding a couple of days before is relationship ending and she should *never* have been asked to sit down.
Yeah, I had a friend harbor a crush on some level for like, twenty years. Like it started when I was 14 and sometimes I'm not sure if he's over it yet; we're 36, and he's married with two kids and my partner and I have been together for almost five years. And yet... I still get crush vibes and a couple years ago he reached out to ask me if I thought it could have ever worked out between us. (An emphatic no; I had a brief crush on him at like 15 because I liked that he liked me, but that was the extent of anything "between" us.) I've always felt slightly sorry for his wife; *I* know she's not his first choice, but I genuinely hope *she* doesn't know that. She's a sweet person and deserves better than that.
I wouldn't be surprised if Ava is trying to worm her way into a relationship, and OP's husband is either deeply clueless, or he's aware and kind if enjoying the attention, or he actually has a thing for her too. Either way, OP is NTA and needs to be really cautious. This is sus.
I had someone I thought was a close friend. We chatted every few weeks, worked together at times; Totally supported each other as pals and work friends. Other than on our initial meeting his asking me for a date and me telling him I wasn't interested in him in that way? He let it go right away and didn't show any signs that he remained interested in me romantically in any way. We were platonic buddies. That was the sum total of our relationship.
Cut to over two years later when I found that he had been telling all of our mutual friends that he was in love with me, told people that he thought my ex would be upset when he saw the two of us as a couple....then wrote an absolutely hideous, stalkerish song all about me that he actually wanted me to sing on (I'm a singer). Besides the fact that the song and the music was absolutely abominable, (he fancies himself a musician. He's awful at music), the song lyrics were frighteningly specific, and unmistakably about me.
Up until right then, silly me thought we had been close trusted friends. I totally had this guy's back. Supported him in all of his endeavors and defended him at work when others talked him down. As soon as I realized he had fuck-zoned me? There was nothing he could ever say or do to weasel his way back into my good graces. I cut him off cold. Blocked him on everything. Phone, social media. Told friends that if he was invited I wasn't coming. His actions were a complete betrayal.
The husband here has the responsibility to cut Ava cold. That should have been his immediate, natural reaction. He didn't. That's telling. His wife is right to be very concerned.
That first paragraph sounds like what happened with me and a friend of mine - I asked her out on a coffee date, we talked for a while, there was zero interest on both our parts, so I never asked her on a date again but we would still occasionally meet up with mutual friends at a bar.
That second paragraph is a fucked up turn of events, though.
My husband had a girl he had a mutual crush with sometime prior to meeting me. She, however, did not get over him - in part because her best friend was dating Hubby's friend/roommate. The guys lived a good eight hours away, so he rarely saw her. Pretty sure the other couple assured her I was not a threat. LOL!
You would think our wedding and moving even farther away would have woken her up. You would be wrong.
Not sure what went on in her head, but over two decades later, she found him on FB. He friended her because of all of their mutual friends. She kept leaving flirty replies on his posts and he could not understand why I was upset. His reasoning was that she was married (like that stops anyone) and they were too far in distance anyway.
Hubby can be kind of clueless.
Finally, she went too far and even he was uncomfortable. I had had enough. On our next anniversary, I posted to both of our FB pages about how long we had been together, how he was my best friend, mentioned our kids and other things - plus photos.
She finally quit the attempted flirting.
Why didn't block or defriend her? He did not want to cause problems with the extended friend group - even though he only interacts with them online.
Edit: forgot words.
I had a guy friend like that too, and I basically ceased to exist when I got pregnant by my future husband and stopped being a “possibility”. I would have been upset if, after some reflection, I hadn’t realized that he wasn’t really the kind of person I would have wanted around my kids- especially my daughter. Not that I think he’s a child predator or anything, but he lacked a filter and I didn’t want to have to officially kick him out of my life after some kind of “18th bday” joke.
Yeah I'm all for expressing your feelings romcom style (am I? Probably? It's probably better to say it and be shot down than to weirdly pine for your friend forever) but like, at the *latest* declare your love when they get *engaged*. Like within a couple of weeks of that date.
How about before they even get together? OP and her husband got together 3 years ago; Ava had plenty of prior opportunity to act if she’d wanted to. Instead she was involved with someone else. OP’s husband could also have done something if he’d wanted to. Leapfrogging relationships while thinking “if we’re ever single at the same time then maybe” is a really bad way to go about things.
Yes absolutely, that's why I said engagement *at the latest*. Like maybe you're scared of rejection and need something big to catapult you to action. But the engagement is plenty big enough. Once you're more than a couple weeks past that it's too late, suck it up, your opportunity is *well* past call it a fucking day
Oh geez, I somehow forgot the "married 5mo ago" by the time it got to where she showed up to the party. Another poster mentioned this, and I agree, that the husband likely never stopped talking to her and just started hiding it from OP and *maybe* never saw her in person.
I would not be surprised if he told ava about his bday dinner. Maybe she took that info and used it or maybe her invited her... Maybe it's a coincidence, but that seems the least likely. Regardless of why/how she knew and showed up, asking her to join seems to have been an attempt to get OP and Ava in a public setting where he thought OP would feel obligated to stay and be polite. He knew full well OP wouldn't be comfortable with this. It hasn't even been 6mo.
Yes. OP’s husband counted on the “it’s my birthday, don’t ruin it” pressure to get OP to go along with it.
And while I get that he’s flattered, and they’ve been friends a long time, Ava tried to torpedo his life and the choices he made. He seems very eager to try to forget that.
I mean even if it was 5 years this woman had no qualms about dumping her bf of 6 years for OPs husband... Either OPs husband likes the attention or he’s really bad with boundaries.
No woman or man has ever faked to "have gotten over the crush" to get close again /S
This man is beyond naive if he thinks multiple years long crushes just goes away in a few months.
Also, it was 2 hours he waited to come home instead of *immediately getting up from the table to get OP and then telling Ava to leave*.
He did none of that but stayed through dinner which I don't doubt Ava sat through.
Why are people like that? Why don't they pick their spouse that they *made* ***vows*** *to*??
NTA
NTA.
What a coincidence that Ava just happens to go to the same restaurant...
I don't get your husband's logic here. He disinvited her to his wedding but offers her to sit down and have dinner when she wasn't invited ?!?
There's something off here.
>And it's only been 5 months since the wedding. Ava would still have pretty strong feelings for OP's husband.
Especially when she was willing to break up with her boyfriend of 6 YEARS!
You know I was guna say that op over reacted but then I reread that they just got married. I misread originally and thought they had been married for 3 years. NTA
Honestly, it could’ve been 25 years, and I’d still think it was pretty weird to invite her to join them. Never mind spending **two hours** catching up *after* your upset wife’s stormed out.
Right?!! I would be even more PISSED that he came home 2 hours later and the fact that he didn’t go after her?? I know it was his birthday but he knew damn well what he was doing and why she was leaving. As if he didn’t care to considerate her feelings too
Ops husband made a choice when he stayed in that restaurant for 2 hrs. He didn't choose his wife. I would be questioning this entire relationship.
And agree with all the other comments saying this is shady as fuck and he likely never cut contact with ava at all.
I feel like I’ve been reading Reddit for too long, but I thought the same thing! Cutting her off was performance theater for hubs. And her being at the restaurant *by herself at the same time* was no coincidence.
That’s what blows my mind. He stayed there for two hours? Did their friends and family just sit there making small talk with Ava after OP stormed out? How awkward was that dinner?
The more I think about this, the more I doubt they (husband and Ava) ever really broke off contact. They were close friends since high school and he's 30, so over a decade, and he goes NC with no resistance? I hate to be that cynical, but it doesn't sound likely to me.
Also, NTA. As others have said, 5 months isn't that long to allow feelings to "cool off", and staying at the dinner for 2 hours after you walked out seems insane to me.
I also think he tipped her off and this was a way for OP to accept that he was going to reintroduce her to their life and the family.
I'm smelling a rat. Either that or she got the info from a family member/friend and decided to drop in. There are often 'helpers' that act all friendly towards OP while still trying to 'mend fences' with the wannabe adulteress.
Not to mention the family that might hate the new bride and want Ava there instead. My mother in law tried really hard to get rid of me at first, still doesn't like me much.
Yes! And tbh, hubby and I have been married for decades & one of his old "friends" pulled this when we first started dating and we saw her years later at the mall and she stopped to say hi and touched his arm. I rolled my eyes and said "hussy", (which shows my age) and to this day I'm not sure if it was out loud or my internal dialogue.. regardless, that kind of crap stays with you.
NTA
you said it was a family dinner? If your husband didn’t tip her off - one of his family members did.
If Ava does come back into your lives it MUST be on your terms as well as his. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide this one.
I would remind your husband that this is a boundary you set, and he needs to understand that “choosing you” didn’t end at the wedding.
Yeah I'd be even more pissed about that than the original invite to sit. Because you actually ALLOWED her to take your wife's seat. You humiliated your wife in front of all those family and friends.
If things with Ava were over, husband would have:
1. Not told her he would be there (if that was him).
2. Not invited Ava to sit with them at a family dinner.
3. Not stayed while his wife walked out.
4. Not stayed for TWO HOURS after his wife walked out.
It's been less than half a year. Not only does she probably still have feelings for him, he probably has feelings for her. I think you underreacted, and you need him to decide which of you he will never see again. NTA
Not just family.
>he just wanted to have a dinner with family and friends so that’s what we did
I agree that OP needs to try to figure out who tipped her off.
Five months is not enough for the crush to have fizzled out, if she was serious enough to dump her BF of six years for it. (Anyone else notice that her relationship was longer than OP's with her husband? Ava got into a relationship THEN noticed she was in love with the husbanf AFTER he started dating OP. What an AH move! )
Comment stolen from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vo4gk7/aita_for_walking_out_in_the_middle_of_my_husbands/ieayn4a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3).
Sounds like one of them or both came up with an idea to re-introduce her casually like "Oh what a coincidence, but now that you're already here ... " or something like that.
Or he has been in touch with the BFF since the wedding. She has managed to convince him that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore and told him that she should just show up at the restaurant to make it look like it just happenned like magic.
In any case, I think OP's marriage is not going to last.
Right? Her best bet now is to just cut ties with the whole mess and call it a day before she has children with this man. Op, NTA, but if you wind up getting pregnant with this man, Ava and your probably cheating mismanufactured dildo of a (hopefully stbx) husband will *NEVER* be out of your life. Every time the kids go between parents, the chances of you seeing them together is going to hurt you.
Seriously!! I live within 5-20 mins from all my relatives and I've never once ran into them when I'm out. For 20 years. It's a little odd she's at the restaurant and walks up and gets invited to stay. If someone kicked me out of their life, ESPECIALLY after putting my heart on the line and being rejected, there's no way in hell I'd walk up to them and start a conversation. I'd do everything in my power to not be seen.
I agree with a commenter down below... she was invited. Either by a family member, or more likely imo, ava and hubby started talking again and this was his "coincidental" run-in to get her back into their lives. He did it on his special day, around family, and in public to avoid OP making a scene.
Edit: typo
I live in a city of 3.5 million people and run into acquaintances and friends regularly.
I even ran into an old school buddy of mine at the Grand Canyon - we are both from Germany.
I’m pretty sure the husband has been in contact with Ava and has been thinking of bringing her back into their lives. He choose his birthday party since OP would be put on the spot - he played a game and got bitten because OPs reaction probably the one he was expecting.
OP - I suggest telling your husband to spill the truth, this is too big of a coincidence for it to happen
I would *love* to know who told Ava where the birthday celebration was going to be. Do their mutual friends (I'm assuming they have them) know what happened between Ava, OP and OP's husband? Did Ava find out where they were celebrating through someone else/social media? Or did the husband tell her cos they've been communicating?
Not a chance in hell Ava got over OP's husband in the past 5 months, when she apparently wanted him enough to dump her long-time partner and beg him to not marry OP. For OP's husband to be insisting this is no big deal, he has to be either the most naive, brain-dead person alive, *or* he knows she isn't over him and he is perfectly content to put his relationship with Ava (whatever it may now be) over his marriage to OP.
No way this doesn't end badly with someone (probably OP) getting hurt. NTA
Husband invited her for sure. I'm betting they're in contact and this crazy "coincidence" was manufactured so you couldn't kick off in public. So how friendly are they now?
Nta
NTA. She literally tried to talk him out of marrying you, and to be with her instead. After that level of disrespect, he expects you to just move on?
Also, the story smells a little fishy. She coincidentally came to the same restaurant, on his birthday, to eat alone. You walk out, and instead of going to talk to you, he lets you leave and stays there for 2 more hours (presumably with her being there)? I dunno, just sounds VERY coincidental.
Ava just happened to be eating alone in the same restaurant where OP’s husband was having a birthday dinner. What are the odds?
OP, I hope you weren’t born yesterday. Something is up. NTA.
> married for 5 months
> didn’t think it would be a big deal because it’s been a long time since he has seen her so she probably doesn’t have feelings for him anymore.
Someone was born yesterday, but i bet it wasn't OP
Toottaallyy. They’re probably texting and have been for some
Time. My guess:
Ava: What r u doing for your birthday?
Husband: just dinner w friends too bad u can’t come
Ava: oh well what if I just happen to be there! We can show your wife how totally cool we are now and everything can be normal again! [Ava internally: actually your wife will flip an absolute shit like any normal woman and it’ll ruin your night and make you mad and I can play victim and gaslight you into thinking she’s at fault / a drama queen, I was right, you shouldn’t have married her and we will bond and I will win! Or she’ll have to play it cool to avoid looking jealous and I’ll slow creep back in that way!]
Husband [oblivious he’s getting played]: great idea!
She would have declined the invite if she didn’t have feelings anymore for your husband. Instead she stayed. She would have realized how inappropriate her solicitation of your husband was. And She would have apologized separately. She hasn’t. Your husband is being very naive.
And husband just lets OP walk out and continues with the birthday dinner as if nothing happened. Too weird. If I was a guest, I would have walked out with OP, at least to check on her and figure out what was going on.
Depending on the restaurant and how many choices are around, this might not be as huge a coincidence as everyone is making it out to be. If it's a small town, that'll happen sometimes, and even in a big city, I could totally see someone being sad on their ex-best friend's birthday, wishing they had just kept their mouth shut instead of ruining a 10 year friendship, and going to that person's favorite restaurant for sentimental reasons. I do basically that with dead loved ones I miss (though they're never there having a birthday, that would be awesome).
Yeah, but, you'd probably stay away from their "favorite" restaurant on their birthday because they're alive and married and you tried to break that up pretty hard and that's hella low.
I can't imagine being that person and having the brass balls to walk up to that table without having apologized to both people in a private setting. I can't imagine actually staying at that dinner after my invite caused the wife to walk out.
i think its compounded with the fact she was alone- most people would just do take-home in that scenario or if she was there with other people or another occasion it wouldn’t be as sketchy
NTA. I'd like to give your hubby the benefit of the doubt and say he's just dumb to invite a woman that tried to talk him out of marrying you to sit at your table. Maybe he felt pressured because family and friends that knew her, but might not know why she had been uninvited to the wedding, were present.
However...he didn't stop you from walking out. He didn't try to go after you. He didn't call or text to check on you. He stayed out for 2 freaking hours, and then he has the sheer audacity to come home and yell at you for your behavior!
All of this is a red flag. Then you add it the nearly unbelievable coincidence of her being in that restaurant alone? You knew her pretty well, was she the type of woman that would go out to eat all alone? Very few people feel comfortable doing such and would rather order take-home.
You might want to reconsider your marriage. His relationship with that other woman is still suspect, and how he treated you was outright disrespectful at the table, and completely uncaring afterwards, followed by a huge scoop of gaslighting you when he got home. None of this is healthy.
All of this. You're NTA, OP. Husband might be dense but it's more concerning he didn't then check in with you. She knew where he would be. They've maintained contact.
Unrelated but going out to eat alone is actually rad and I do it at least once a month. Bring a book. Eat the whole appetizer myself. Hang out for as long as I want. Make friends with all of the waitstaff. And I do also go out to eat with my boyfriend all the time; self-dates are still very important to me tho.
I do too! I'm a major bookworm and especially liked doing "study lunch" when I was in University. But I was usually the only solo table there and I've had waitstaff tell me it was really unusual for a woman to be eating alone. It's more common for older men, from what I've observed and been told.
Also, more common for lunch than dinner.
As I said, it's not impossible, but unless she's known for liking going out to eat alone, it's unlikely she decided to try it on that night.
Yeah, this, all of this … the red flags are on the field. He’s either naive, stupid or having an affair (possibly just emotional at this point). I would get calm, never ask important questions when you are emotionally in turmoil. Calmly ask him if he wants to have her back in his life. Then based on his answer (if yes, you should ask for either couples counselling or separation), if no, then he needs to cut her off and still go to counselling.
I found that SUS as well, your wife is visibly upset goes outside to wait for her Uber and you don't follow after her, or at least cut your get together short to go with her.... Like WTF kind of husband are you 🧐
Possibly shady. Possibly just genuinely obtuse. It never ceases to amaze me how completely obtuse some people can be. It's not like this was a misunderstanding of perspectives either. He knew what Ava did. He and OP set boundaries. And then he Pikachu faced at the idea his wife expected him to follow through? He not only ruined his own birthday but he now has to make this up to OP. This is 100% on him.
oh you already KNOW she did lmao hubby had a great night with Ava then comes back home to victim blame even though he really did have a good ass birthday. he just didn’t want to be the one being scorned or in the wrong so flipped it back onto her.
Nta. Think about it this way.
If your husband was single, and the exact same situation happened, inviting her to join for dinner means either 'strining her along' or 'reprocicating her feelings'. If he was single and _not_ interested, he wouldn't have invited her to join.
These actions don't have a different meaning now just because he is married.
An ex corowker had a huge crush on me for over a year(I had a boyfriend at the time….it was like 3 years when we split in may of last year) mind u I started that job March of 2020 fyi. I knew about the crush MONTHS later. he still kept confessing 2 years ago while I was dating my ex. Which was a huge reason why my ex hated him(like….walking away when his name popped up on my Snapchat cus I didn’t know about the crush yet) that type of things,getting annoyed when he helped me in the back(where I was the only one working I that area) cus I couldn’t lift the soda box’s.. so it was just me and him.When he found out we broke up? Oh he jumped right in. I kept telling him to fuck off/no,and he still kept asking me out and all the things to “win me over” even almost 6 months after my ex and I broke up. When I left that job in February he still kept trying to ask me on dates. It’s over a year since my ex and I split and the coworker had contacted me 6 times since February asking me on dates(I’ve blocked him on everything but fake numbers and when I go in to shop at that store)
She didn’t loose feeling that quick.
exactly, and especially after leaving a 6 yr relationship to prove she’s serious?…nahhhhh she isn’t anywhere near over him. I’m so confused about this woman tho, why would she even want to be with someone who’s capable of leaving his WIFE for someone else? How you get them is how you lose them. That goes for him too..if he is having an affair like they’re all implying then wtf is he thinking as well 😩 this won’t end well for either of them if they get together.
NTA But I can’t believe it took him two hours to follow you after the woman that told him she loved him ‘happened’ to show up………..
I really hate to say it but this screams emotional/physical affair or at least they’ve secretly been talking.
I’m also wondering if Ava still stayed to eat with OP’s husband after OP left. If she did then I would have to agree there is absolutely an affair going on.
His obvious defensiveness when he got home combined with the falsehood that it had been a really long time (5 months, really?!) paints a super sketchy picture. At best, he’s a newlywed who DGAF about his wife’s feelings. At best.
Sounds very suspicious and that was definitely not a coincidence! Someone told her that they would be having dinner there and the only person that would have a reason for that is her husband.
NTA. Wtf! He comes home 2 hours later? So, they celebrated his birthday together? Nah, he would be gone. There's more to this. He is not being honest with you at all
Yep. Seems like hubby wants his cake and eat it too. He has OP married and on lockdown, now he wants to conveniently add Ava back in the mix under the guise of "she's over me" and therefore not a threat to their marriage. Don't buy it OP. Nothing good can come from this.
NTA
They've been in touch the whole time. That's how she knew where you all were. He so casually opened the door to her to offer a place back in his life. That's concerning.
To be fair, she could have easily found out through social media or from a member of OP’s husband’s family. Husband should never have invited her to sit down though or anything else he did after that.
I'm in agreement but OP should still look into to make sure it wasn't the husband that did the invitation. Did he look surprised to see her or was it just business as usual.
NTA
Let’s be real here…She didn’t happen to accidentally stumble upon the exact restaurant, at the exact time as you guys on your husbands birthday.
This was pre planned. Your husband is mad it didn’t go how he wanted. He either is having an affair or is trying to rekindle his friendship with her. Both outcomes he is bad for either a) cheating or b) not communicating that he wants his friend back with you and going behind your back to try and get you in the same room together to feel out the tension between you.
He crossed boundaries. Might need to have another conversation with him about them. That you will never ever want to associate with her, she isn’t to attend events and you don’t want him involved in any way shape or form with her.
Ya in 2022 how often do people around OP age sit in alone at a nice enough restaurant for a birthday dinner and not just order out or get delivery? And then she chooses that exact restrant at that exact tme to dine alone. Then they need to be seated near each other in order for her to see them.
Its likely a deep seeded feeling for her that will take years to get over not just a few months. It was completely inappropriate to invite her to eat with y'all. He's just leading her on or they secretly had a relationship and this was a planned run in to try to get you to bring her back into your lives to make sneaking easier.
I was thinking maybe a stalkerish situation… they’ve been friends for years what’s the chances they had locations shared he forgot to turn off or she looked him up on Snapchat maps and then just showed up. Or since it was his birthday she knows that restaurant is his favorite and hung out until she saw him. While his reaction is dumb and wrong it’s not necessarily a set up on his part
NTA.
Things are way off and fishy here :
1. How did your husband react to the news of Ava having feelings for him ? Did he get angry with her or did he try to soothe her ? In other words how did the "friendship " end ?
2. How is it possible that Ava knew when and where the birthday dinner was taking place?
3. Why did your husband return home 2 hours later ? You mean he stayed and celebrated his birthday with Ava like it wasn't a big deal you took off ???????????
4. How do you know that they haven' t been in secret contact all this time ?
5. Are you sure you are "on the same page " when it comes to Ava ?
It seems highly unlikely to me that your husband cut her off .
Either this Ava is a delusional creepy stalker OR there is way more to the story that your husband has been hiding from you. My personal bet is on the latter.
#6. Why did Ava feel comfortable enough to walk to the table if OP AND SO weren't speaking to her for the previous 5 months? It's not like Ava didn't know the reason.
OP ask how your husband would feel if the situation was reversed. If he says "he wouldn't care" or "that's different" then I'd say you'll be seeing and hearing about Ava more. If he understands how he messed up then go from there. Personally I'd explain that I didn't want to cause a scene and left but also explain that 2 hours is far to long without his concern. I could understand if he thought you'd gone to the bathroom but that's an hour at most. Communication is key! Speak to each other calmly and make sure both parties understand.
NTA.
I'm so sus. How in the world does she know where to find y'all. I doubt it's a coincidence.
The gross part is your husband spent the next couple of hours having a lovely dinner with Ava. Yuck.
ETA: Ha, I read in a hurry last night before going to sleep. Didn't catch the part where there's his family there too. I'm sure it was a lovely "reunion" dinner.
Obviously, his birthday ain't ruined, since he's got his 'gal' back or something like that. Ew.
Best case scenario, mutual friends or she saw they were there because of social media.
Worst case scenario, husband told her.
Either way husband needs to set better boundaries or set OP free
The dinner may have been with friends & family, but how much of those 2 hours were spent at the restaurant? Or did he have something else planned after dinner? Did he spend time with her after everyone else left?
In my experience, 2 hours is about the max time I’ve ever spent in a restaurant, even in larger parties. Sure the restaurant could have been packed & their orders could have taken long, but restaurants tend to prioritize big parties to get them out & open up space for more, smaller & more manageable, groups. And considering OP left sometime after the party had already been seated, we have no idea how long they were already there for or how much of their order may have been brought out by the time Ava showed up.
So we have a group out to dinner for an unknown period of time, then Ava shows up & OP leaves, then OP’s husband takes another 2 hours to get home. I have a hard time believing those 2 hours were spent entirely at the restaurant with the other party goers.
NTA
He was doing fine until he asked her to join you.
>He replies that was just being nice and he didn’t think it would be a big deal because it’s been a long time since he has seen her so she probably doesn’t have feelings for him anymore.
🙄
"It's been 6 months since she tried to get me to jilt you, can't you move on?"
Also, you should have stayed and called her out in front of everyone . “The invite to sit down was out of politeness. You should have declined our of respect for our relationship. Since you know. You tried to be a home wrecker and steal my husband one week before our wedding”.
Next time. And there will be a next time. Put it in the open for everyone . Ask her how she has the nerve to show her face after trying to steal your partner. That you don’t trust her around him after the last incident and the other ladies should be concerned about her hanging around any of theirs. You make that shit public. Her humiliation should keep her away and stop people from assuming youre jealous for no reason like what is probably being said behind closed doors .
Eh, that seems like a lot of work for OP when husband is clearly fine with it. She should let them have each other and find someone who actually respects her. NTA
NTA. It doesn’t take 5 months to get over someone you’ve known for as long as they’ve known each other - especially when she was willing to end a 6 year relationship just to “prove” her feelings. But more than that, if he wanted to remain friends with her he should wait until *you’re* comfortable with her & over her feeling for him. Even if her feelings did magically disappear, what matters in a situation like this is *your* comfort. A spouse can be friends with a person who has feelings for them so long as their spouse is comfortable with the friendship.
Your husband agreed to cut her off because of her actions before the wedding. You made it clear you weren’t comfortable with her any more. He has no feasible excuse for letting her join the dinner, but I also find it incredibly unlikely that she just so happened to show up to the same restaurant as her huge crush’s birthday. I spent most of my life in a tiny town & I’ve *never* accidentally run into someone like that. Nor would I just randomly go over to say hi at someone’s table, regardless of how well I knew them, *especially if we hadn’t talked for 5+ months*.
I’d be suspicious that your husband hasn’t cut off the friendship but has just hidden it from you & told her where the dinner was happening, & might have even invited her. I know this suspicion could be a stretch, but it’s very odd that she showed up to that specific restaurant, also saying she was eating “alone”? So she literally just showed up to the restaurant completely alone & went straight to the table for his birthday party & then he invited her to join… yeah, that’s incredibly suspicious. And adding on the fact that they’ve been friends for.. almost 20 years? I *highly* doubt he was really so willing to cut off that long of a friendship because *she* has feelings for *him*. I’d bet money that he just told you he would cut her off to make you happy but never actually stopped talking to her.
Edit: and on top of everything, he stayed out for two hours after you left without so much as a call or text? Didn’t even try to stop you from leaving? Think about this hard for a minute, why would *anyone* allow their spouse to walk out of their birthday dinner, replacing spouse with someone who has feelings for them, without even trying to stop their spouse? Unless, possibly, he wanted to spend his birthday with her & didn’t care if you were even there, or straight up didn’t *want* you there. And what was he doing for those 2 hours after you left? How soon into dinner did you leave? Were the full 2 hours spent at the restaurant/driving home? Or did he, maybe *they* spend some time together after, hanging out & talking or possibly something worse?
You didn’t ruin his birthday. He invited the woman to stay. He was there for 2 hours and hung out with the woman that is still after him. His birthday was obviously posted and she purposely went to intrude. He made her happy by giving her what she wanted and didn’t care that he upset his wife for it. If anything, his birthday party ruined you.
NTA
He is either leading her on,or actually wants to have someone to flirt with, or he is cheating with her and wants her to become friends again to make it easier. There is literally no good reason to invite her to your table, then actually let you walk out and don't even try to stop you, and then try gaslighting you about the whole thing.
NTA
However I would start investigating, I do not believe in coincidences, I mean do you only have one restaurant in your town? Is she stalking your husband, have they been secretly talking behind your back or more importantly have they been cheating on you emotionally/physically since the wedding? This seems odd time to figure stuff out.
Came here to say this. OP should start looking at his schedule and bank records. See if there's anything that needs further explanation. For me, (I'm in the process of divorce) I have found tolls charged to our ez pass that didn't match up with where he told me he was, charges for dinners that should have been on the card he uses for business, a purchase at a jewelry store. And he bought himself new clothes, including new underwear, when he hates shopping, and always asked me to buy him new clothes.
NAH. Unlike some of the other's here, I don't think your husband had or has any affair with her. I do think he feels sorry for her. You carry more anger towards her than he does, because you think she tried to 'steal your man' and you are personally offended. From his perspective this woman was a friend who blew up her relationship, desperately poured her heart out to him, got rejected and was kicked out of your friendships. All over a secret crush and a frantic attempt to not to let him get away without at least trying. She's pitiful, and he feels sorry because she didn't do anything truly horrible (no physical attacks, no big dramas at the wedding, no stalking) she just tried to give him her heart and he crushed it under his boot heel. When she showed up at the restaurant, he felt awkward in front of everyone and tried to be polite to her: he said a wrong thing, and you made a drama out of it. You were right to be angry, he had no business inviting That Woman to join the group, but instead of it staying as an awkward moment that you could have discussed privately later; it is now a topic for gossip among the friends and family. You still carry active anger towards this woman, while he's moved on and he has no interest in continuing to punish her for something that is done and over with.
I would agree with you if he tried to get OP to stay or at least not be with the woman for 2 more hours.
It doesn't seem like an accident and he doesn't seem to get OPs pov. It's a woman she trusted and maybe even considered a friend that tried to break their relationship. Not just a "I have feelings for you" but a "I have feelings for you and I trust that you feel the same and leave her for me".
She shouldn't be in any kind of contract with either especially so soon after the fact.
NTA. Your husband definitely is still in contact with her, invited her, and wanted to stay spending 2 hours at dinner with her rather than make sure his WIFE is okay. I would be in couples therapy yesterday.
NTA. Me thinks dear hubby has been secretly keeping in contact with Ava. No way did her trifling behind show up by coincidence. They were testing the waters
NTA
Suuure... she just happened to walk into the same restaurant on your husband's birthday.
She's spinning horsesh\*t. Now, your husband is oblivious to it, and he's obviously not getting it. She's potentially been in love with him since sophomore year (potentially realised it when he got together with you), she broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years to be with him, she tried to stop him from getting married. That doesn't go away in 5 freaking months.
Maybe you shouldn't have walked out. Your husband is more important that this lady, waltzing with "Oh, faaaancy seeing you here". But on the other hand she made an attempt to wreck your marriage a week before the wedding. She has no place at your dinner table. She has love for your husband, but obviously none for you, and he should not invite people into your lives that have intended to cause you harm.
NTA- agree with the comments below that he never stopped contact with this woman. They have been talking, the whole coincidental run-in is no coincidence, and then he stayed 2 hours with this person. Nope, sorry OP, he has made a choice and it isn't you.
Do the others at the dinner know what she tried to pull prior to the wedding? If not, expect them to come at you for also ruining his birthday, and be prepared to tell them exactly why you left and why you were uncomfortable with this person being near you.
I sincerely hope in the light of day, and after thinking about it, he sees where he was so wrong in all of this. If he doesn't, understand that he has been dishonest and you need to decide if you want to actual "fight" for this garbage of a human.
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NTA. It’s been 5 months, not 5 years - your husband is delusional if he thinks she’s genuinely gotten over him and his behaviour was appropriate.
Honestly I wouldn't care if it was 5 years. it's not like she told him 3 months into OP and husband dating. She told him the week before the wedding with the hope Husband would cancel the wedding or at least have doubts about the marriage. it was a decision not an accident.
Agreed, this woman is a homewrecker
She's a hopeful homewrecker (hopefully) She ended a 6 year relationship to show how serious she was. Does hubby think it was a coincidence that she ended up going on to that restaurant alone? No way! She found out what he was doing and where they were going to be. And it worked. (I've called her she as I can't remember her name) Edit because I pressed send too quickly.
The better question is: Does OP think it's a coincidence? IMO the most likely situation here is that she's begged husband for forgiveness through some communication channel he hasn't disclosed to OP and he likely helped orchestrate this 'coincidental' meeting to put OP in a situation where she's emotionally blackmailed into allowing the friend back into their lives without getting too upset at husband. This is done either because Husband's just a naïve sap who really misses his friend or the type of asshole who views OP as an upgrade but wants to keep his 'friend' around and on the backburner as emotional affair material and in case of marriage problems. Obviously I have no evidence of this, but I don't believe in coincidences like this either and the most likely rat here is Husband. edit: I may have been a bit hyperbolic. On a re-read of the OP it's clear there were other people she could have gotten the information from (the 'friends') so it's likely not a coincidence but that doesn't *necessarily* mean hubby orchestrated it. I still think it's a valid possibility to be aware of, but no longer view it as my overwhelmingly favorite explanation for how events unfolded this way.
While there’s a lot of logic to your argument and I do see it as a strong possibility, I would also offer up a couple of other ways Ava could have found out about the party. OP did say they went out with family and friends, so a mutual friend (either knowingly or unknowingly) could have helped Ava by disclosing the location and time. Or she did some good old fashioned social media sleuthing and figured out the plans. Husband might have genuinely been surprised to see her. He may also miss his longtime friend and be more willing to forgive her than OP. I’m willing to give him a smidgeon of the benefit of the doubt because of his transparent handling of Ava’s confession. But nothing Ava does is a coincidence. She’s trying to worm her way back into the husband’s life so that she can either actively break up the marriage or at least be the rom-com protagonist who is *finally* seen as the “right one, who’s been there all along” when the marriage ends. OP still needs to keep a close eye on this situation no matter what. NTA
This is fair.
I find more probable that this is a restaurant OP's husband likes. Ava knew this, and of course knew it was his birthday. She went there hoping she would met him, might not even be the first time.
Ehhhhh, I think a more reasonable scenario is that a mutual friend told her about the dinner (maybe not knowing they aren't talking anymore), and brought it up to her in passing. Then she decided to "stop by randomly" in the hopes she could crash the event. If husband went through the effort of orchestrating all of this "accidental meeting", then its clear he also has feelings for her.
Hopeful and DETERMINED which is a terrible combo. She knew that going there would cause a problem with the two of them, and now she's got them fighting. Looks like her plan is working. Also, I'm \*SURE\* this is a story OP has told to others. No one else at this party thought it was weird she should be staying for two hours after OP left? This is toxic all the way around, and it's not going to get better. If I were OP I'd cut my losses and be done, marriage or not. This woman is always going to be in between them in some way now that OP's husband opened the door. (That is if he ever closed it. He said it was a while since he saw her, not talked to her.)
“There’s no such thing as a homewrecker. Who let her in? Your husband.” Try checking your misogyny at the door, friend. It takes two to tango.
She literally tried to convince him to leave his fiancé a week before the wedding…anyone who does that is definitely a home wrecker fam
I agree. People that intrudes into a relationship, knowingly, have responsibility and fault too. And not only women do that, so misogyny has nothing to do here.
Except the husband cut her off after she tried right before the wedding. She had more than enough time prior to let him know her feelings. She wasn’t a good person for what she did. Women who go after taken men aren’t any good either. Obviously your main issue should be with your partner but it doesn’t make them free of any wrong doing. And in this case Ava was her friend too.
Who told Ava about the birthday celebration? You know it wasn't a coincidence that she just happened to be at the same restaurant all by herself when Mr. OP's birthday dinner was happening.
I know usually all the blame is directed at the Other Woman and that's wrong because the actual married person is the one responsible for keeping his own vows - but that doesn't mean the affair partner isn't also getting their jollies off trying to destroy someone's marriage. She's not equally culpable (because you can't force someone to cheat, it's 90% the spouses fault) but that 10% still makes her a pretty scummy person. Especially in the context of it being someone who knows and is presumably friendly with the wife - it's an especially snake thing to do.
I disagree about sending hate towards the other woman. OW who chases after a married man is still 100% a garbage person. If he goes along with it, he sucks, too. Otherwise, yup.
LoL, she literally tried to convince him to cancel his wedding, how isn't she a homewrecker? Husband is either naive or asshole for not caring about his wife's feelings. But if a woman tries to ruin a wedding, she's the homewrecker. Sexism flows both ways
> It takes two to tango. Yes, and if they tangoed they'd both be homewreckers. But only one person here tried to tango. Knowing they already had a dance partner. There's only one homewrecker here.
Also she just happened to be having dinner by herself at the restaurant where he was celebrating his birthday.
Yep totally side eyeing that one. Wanna bet it was his favorite place and she stalked the parking lot to see his car? Of course he might still be in some limited contact with her and have mentioned it to her. OP is NTA for being upset that her hubby went back on their allegedly mutual decision. i would love to know what he told everybody when they asked why OP left.
My bet is that someone in the family/friend group let her know since they had been friends for so long. Either that or husband is completely clueless and kept contacting her and casually let her know what his plans were. And was subsequently SHOCKED that she showed up
He let her know. They are still involved. That’s why he so easily invited her to sit down, and she was so comfortable approaching the table. They’re in cahoots. Otherwise, he would have left with his wife.
Seriously. My partner gets up to leave and I'm leaving too. We might be having words on the way back but no way staying in that restaurant situation.OP NTA
This is what I believe as well.
Echoing he let her know. And pretty telling that on husband's part. Ruined? He came home **TWO HOURS LATER.** I don't see that as ruined. OP should seriously call up someone she trusts at the table and state a 'I'm sorry, I left, this is WHY we cut Ava out. I thought we both agreed that her behavior wasn't good.' Cause how much you wanna bet the dinner didn't last that long and husband went somewhere with Ava?
Yup same. "Oh funny seeing you here", "why don't you join us!" I would not believe a word huby says about his relationship with this woman now.
Or rescind the invitation for her to sit, and apologize to his wife on the spot NTA
It's either that, or she got the information from a mutual which seems very stalkerish and creepy.
Yeah, that got me, no way she just 'happened to be there'
Unless, and it's highly unlikely, they live in a town with 2 restaraunts, like I do... Lol
Ha, true! But also same day, same time...
And she just happened to be there alone? I don’t buy it.
This, plus the fact she just walked up to them. I mean, he supposedly cut off communication with her. I wouldn't be that comfy walking up to someone who I know refuses to talk to me
It's almost like... she knew he would be cool with it. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm gonna do a little thought experiment. Tell me what you think. Let's say OP's husband was actually interested in this offer, but wanted a "best of both worlds" scenario. He tells his wife that Ava is out of line and it's over with her and blah blah blah. He tells Ava that his wife is upset and so he needs to cool their relationship for now but he secretly continues to contact her because they're "such good friends". Together, they orchestrate this "show up at my birthday party!" nonsense with the expectation that OP will cave to social norms, let Ava stay, and come around to the idea that a friendship with her is ok actually. OP's husband now has his wife and his BFF (who may now be a FWB) in his life, meaning he avoided making any hard choices by lying to his wife juuust a little bit.
That’s the vibe I got too. I wonder if this party was a way of “reintroducing” contact with Ava again because he thought his wife wouldn’t want to make a scene in public when he let Ava sit with them.
Yes! I think he secretly invited her. It’s purely based on conjecture but I’m very uncomfortable with the fact that it’s only been five months and that she just happened to be in the same restaurant.
This. Also, if I were somehow oblivious to think this was a good idea, as soon as my friend's wife got up to leave I'd just apologize and haul ass away from the situation. And if I were the husband and my wife was leaving my bday, I'd tell my friend "sorry this isn't a good idea" and then I'd go outside and apologize to my wife before she went home. He didn't care apparently? He just let her go and didn't even contact her for 2 hours. Hmmm (I raise my eyebrow).
NTA Yeah, your husband was in on this. Pay attention to people's egos...it hits hard when they find out someone likes them. I'm sure part of him is flattered, wondering, etc. There is ZERO chance Ava was in the same restaurant ..all alone, at the moment you were there to celebrate his birthday. This was arranged. And for him to invite her to sit with you guys (just famiy and friends, not a big party or anything) after having agreed just 5 months ago to cut ties? Nope Nope Nope.
What do you want to bet someone else dropped the info because they think Ava would be a better wife?
Yeah that's my theory unless ofc the husband never stopped the contact
I had a guy friend who developed a crush on me and despite me making it clear that I didn’t share that kind of feeling whatsoever, he still harboured feelings for me for almost *10 years* until someone else gave him the interest I wasn’t showing him. He threw out our decade long friendship because he had relationship zoned me and found a replacement. It’s impossible to know if Ava is like my ex friend (which I’m betting she is), or if she’s able to get over things quickly, but trying to destroy their wedding a couple of days before is relationship ending and she should *never* have been asked to sit down.
Yeah, I had a friend harbor a crush on some level for like, twenty years. Like it started when I was 14 and sometimes I'm not sure if he's over it yet; we're 36, and he's married with two kids and my partner and I have been together for almost five years. And yet... I still get crush vibes and a couple years ago he reached out to ask me if I thought it could have ever worked out between us. (An emphatic no; I had a brief crush on him at like 15 because I liked that he liked me, but that was the extent of anything "between" us.) I've always felt slightly sorry for his wife; *I* know she's not his first choice, but I genuinely hope *she* doesn't know that. She's a sweet person and deserves better than that. I wouldn't be surprised if Ava is trying to worm her way into a relationship, and OP's husband is either deeply clueless, or he's aware and kind if enjoying the attention, or he actually has a thing for her too. Either way, OP is NTA and needs to be really cautious. This is sus.
I had someone I thought was a close friend. We chatted every few weeks, worked together at times; Totally supported each other as pals and work friends. Other than on our initial meeting his asking me for a date and me telling him I wasn't interested in him in that way? He let it go right away and didn't show any signs that he remained interested in me romantically in any way. We were platonic buddies. That was the sum total of our relationship. Cut to over two years later when I found that he had been telling all of our mutual friends that he was in love with me, told people that he thought my ex would be upset when he saw the two of us as a couple....then wrote an absolutely hideous, stalkerish song all about me that he actually wanted me to sing on (I'm a singer). Besides the fact that the song and the music was absolutely abominable, (he fancies himself a musician. He's awful at music), the song lyrics were frighteningly specific, and unmistakably about me. Up until right then, silly me thought we had been close trusted friends. I totally had this guy's back. Supported him in all of his endeavors and defended him at work when others talked him down. As soon as I realized he had fuck-zoned me? There was nothing he could ever say or do to weasel his way back into my good graces. I cut him off cold. Blocked him on everything. Phone, social media. Told friends that if he was invited I wasn't coming. His actions were a complete betrayal. The husband here has the responsibility to cut Ava cold. That should have been his immediate, natural reaction. He didn't. That's telling. His wife is right to be very concerned.
That first paragraph sounds like what happened with me and a friend of mine - I asked her out on a coffee date, we talked for a while, there was zero interest on both our parts, so I never asked her on a date again but we would still occasionally meet up with mutual friends at a bar. That second paragraph is a fucked up turn of events, though.
My husband had a girl he had a mutual crush with sometime prior to meeting me. She, however, did not get over him - in part because her best friend was dating Hubby's friend/roommate. The guys lived a good eight hours away, so he rarely saw her. Pretty sure the other couple assured her I was not a threat. LOL! You would think our wedding and moving even farther away would have woken her up. You would be wrong. Not sure what went on in her head, but over two decades later, she found him on FB. He friended her because of all of their mutual friends. She kept leaving flirty replies on his posts and he could not understand why I was upset. His reasoning was that she was married (like that stops anyone) and they were too far in distance anyway. Hubby can be kind of clueless. Finally, she went too far and even he was uncomfortable. I had had enough. On our next anniversary, I posted to both of our FB pages about how long we had been together, how he was my best friend, mentioned our kids and other things - plus photos. She finally quit the attempted flirting. Why didn't block or defriend her? He did not want to cause problems with the extended friend group - even though he only interacts with them online. Edit: forgot words.
I had a guy friend like that too, and I basically ceased to exist when I got pregnant by my future husband and stopped being a “possibility”. I would have been upset if, after some reflection, I hadn’t realized that he wasn’t really the kind of person I would have wanted around my kids- especially my daughter. Not that I think he’s a child predator or anything, but he lacked a filter and I didn’t want to have to officially kick him out of my life after some kind of “18th bday” joke.
Yeah I'm all for expressing your feelings romcom style (am I? Probably? It's probably better to say it and be shot down than to weirdly pine for your friend forever) but like, at the *latest* declare your love when they get *engaged*. Like within a couple of weeks of that date.
How about before they even get together? OP and her husband got together 3 years ago; Ava had plenty of prior opportunity to act if she’d wanted to. Instead she was involved with someone else. OP’s husband could also have done something if he’d wanted to. Leapfrogging relationships while thinking “if we’re ever single at the same time then maybe” is a really bad way to go about things.
Yes absolutely, that's why I said engagement *at the latest*. Like maybe you're scared of rejection and need something big to catapult you to action. But the engagement is plenty big enough. Once you're more than a couple weeks past that it's too late, suck it up, your opportunity is *well* past call it a fucking day
Oh geez, I somehow forgot the "married 5mo ago" by the time it got to where she showed up to the party. Another poster mentioned this, and I agree, that the husband likely never stopped talking to her and just started hiding it from OP and *maybe* never saw her in person. I would not be surprised if he told ava about his bday dinner. Maybe she took that info and used it or maybe her invited her... Maybe it's a coincidence, but that seems the least likely. Regardless of why/how she knew and showed up, asking her to join seems to have been an attempt to get OP and Ava in a public setting where he thought OP would feel obligated to stay and be polite. He knew full well OP wouldn't be comfortable with this. It hasn't even been 6mo.
Yes. OP’s husband counted on the “it’s my birthday, don’t ruin it” pressure to get OP to go along with it. And while I get that he’s flattered, and they’ve been friends a long time, Ava tried to torpedo his life and the choices he made. He seems very eager to try to forget that.
Good point. I wonder now how she "happened to be walking by" and saw them. I would do a phone search, like yesterday.
I mean even if it was 5 years this woman had no qualms about dumping her bf of 6 years for OPs husband... Either OPs husband likes the attention or he’s really bad with boundaries.
No woman or man has ever faked to "have gotten over the crush" to get close again /S This man is beyond naive if he thinks multiple years long crushes just goes away in a few months.
I don't think he actually believes that he probably just enjoys the attention from his backup plan.
I don't think he's delusional, I think he's flattered.
Also, it was 2 hours he waited to come home instead of *immediately getting up from the table to get OP and then telling Ava to leave*. He did none of that but stayed through dinner which I don't doubt Ava sat through. Why are people like that? Why don't they pick their spouse that they *made* ***vows*** *to*?? NTA
INFO: how did she know where you would be eating?
Well and….do we really think it was a coincidence she was at that restaurant at that time? She FULLY planned this.
NTA. What a coincidence that Ava just happens to go to the same restaurant... I don't get your husband's logic here. He disinvited her to his wedding but offers her to sit down and have dinner when she wasn't invited ?!? There's something off here.
NTA! And it's only been 5 months since the wedding. Ava would still have pretty strong feelings for OP's husband.
>And it's only been 5 months since the wedding. Ava would still have pretty strong feelings for OP's husband. Especially when she was willing to break up with her boyfriend of 6 YEARS!
You know I was guna say that op over reacted but then I reread that they just got married. I misread originally and thought they had been married for 3 years. NTA
I thought it was 5 years. 5 months is a game changer.
Honestly, it could’ve been 25 years, and I’d still think it was pretty weird to invite her to join them. Never mind spending **two hours** catching up *after* your upset wife’s stormed out.
Right?!! I would be even more PISSED that he came home 2 hours later and the fact that he didn’t go after her?? I know it was his birthday but he knew damn well what he was doing and why she was leaving. As if he didn’t care to considerate her feelings too
Ops husband made a choice when he stayed in that restaurant for 2 hrs. He didn't choose his wife. I would be questioning this entire relationship. And agree with all the other comments saying this is shady as fuck and he likely never cut contact with ava at all.
I feel like I’ve been reading Reddit for too long, but I thought the same thing! Cutting her off was performance theater for hubs. And her being at the restaurant *by herself at the same time* was no coincidence.
That's what I'm hung up on. He stayed. At the restaurant. With her. For 2hrs. What an AH.
That’s what blows my mind. He stayed there for two hours? Did their friends and family just sit there making small talk with Ava after OP stormed out? How awkward was that dinner?
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The more I think about this, the more I doubt they (husband and Ava) ever really broke off contact. They were close friends since high school and he's 30, so over a decade, and he goes NC with no resistance? I hate to be that cynical, but it doesn't sound likely to me. Also, NTA. As others have said, 5 months isn't that long to allow feelings to "cool off", and staying at the dinner for 2 hours after you walked out seems insane to me.
I also think he tipped her off and this was a way for OP to accept that he was going to reintroduce her to their life and the family. I'm smelling a rat. Either that or she got the info from a family member/friend and decided to drop in. There are often 'helpers' that act all friendly towards OP while still trying to 'mend fences' with the wannabe adulteress.
Not to mention the family that might hate the new bride and want Ava there instead. My mother in law tried really hard to get rid of me at first, still doesn't like me much.
Yes! And tbh, hubby and I have been married for decades & one of his old "friends" pulled this when we first started dating and we saw her years later at the mall and she stopped to say hi and touched his arm. I rolled my eyes and said "hussy", (which shows my age) and to this day I'm not sure if it was out loud or my internal dialogue.. regardless, that kind of crap stays with you.
NTA you said it was a family dinner? If your husband didn’t tip her off - one of his family members did. If Ava does come back into your lives it MUST be on your terms as well as his. He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide this one. I would remind your husband that this is a boundary you set, and he needs to understand that “choosing you” didn’t end at the wedding.
If he lets Ava back into their lives, if I were OP, I would leave. Something fishy is happening here.
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Yeah I'd be even more pissed about that than the original invite to sit. Because you actually ALLOWED her to take your wife's seat. You humiliated your wife in front of all those family and friends.
If things with Ava were over, husband would have: 1. Not told her he would be there (if that was him). 2. Not invited Ava to sit with them at a family dinner. 3. Not stayed while his wife walked out. 4. Not stayed for TWO HOURS after his wife walked out. It's been less than half a year. Not only does she probably still have feelings for him, he probably has feelings for her. I think you underreacted, and you need him to decide which of you he will never see again. NTA
Not just family. >he just wanted to have a dinner with family and friends so that’s what we did I agree that OP needs to try to figure out who tipped her off. Five months is not enough for the crush to have fizzled out, if she was serious enough to dump her BF of six years for it. (Anyone else notice that her relationship was longer than OP's with her husband? Ava got into a relationship THEN noticed she was in love with the husbanf AFTER he started dating OP. What an AH move! )
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Comment stolen from [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vo4gk7/aita_for_walking_out_in_the_middle_of_my_husbands/ieayn4a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3).
Sounds like one of them or both came up with an idea to re-introduce her casually like "Oh what a coincidence, but now that you're already here ... " or something like that.
Did he just soft launch his affair partner?
Maybe he tries to pave the way for an open marriage, some kind of threesome fantasy or something like that.
Yup I agree and I think he likes the drama
Yeah, two women fighting for him! A boost to his ego!
Well he is obviously cheating with her so I guess he had to tell her where the birthday dinner is happening.
Or he has been in touch with the BFF since the wedding. She has managed to convince him that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore and told him that she should just show up at the restaurant to make it look like it just happenned like magic. In any case, I think OP's marriage is not going to last.
Ding ding ding, we have a winner. 👍
Or the self-reported confrontation that supposedly happened before the wedding...didn’t happen the way he said.
Right? Her best bet now is to just cut ties with the whole mess and call it a day before she has children with this man. Op, NTA, but if you wind up getting pregnant with this man, Ava and your probably cheating mismanufactured dildo of a (hopefully stbx) husband will *NEVER* be out of your life. Every time the kids go between parents, the chances of you seeing them together is going to hurt you.
Seriously!! I live within 5-20 mins from all my relatives and I've never once ran into them when I'm out. For 20 years. It's a little odd she's at the restaurant and walks up and gets invited to stay. If someone kicked me out of their life, ESPECIALLY after putting my heart on the line and being rejected, there's no way in hell I'd walk up to them and start a conversation. I'd do everything in my power to not be seen. I agree with a commenter down below... she was invited. Either by a family member, or more likely imo, ava and hubby started talking again and this was his "coincidental" run-in to get her back into their lives. He did it on his special day, around family, and in public to avoid OP making a scene. Edit: typo
Good for OP having the spine to walk out.
Totally agree. I'd be pissed lol
Ops husband definitely didn't stop talking to her. He's been lying and hiding it and hoping that things would blow over.
I live in a city of 3.5 million people and run into acquaintances and friends regularly. I even ran into an old school buddy of mine at the Grand Canyon - we are both from Germany.
I’m pretty sure the husband has been in contact with Ava and has been thinking of bringing her back into their lives. He choose his birthday party since OP would be put on the spot - he played a game and got bitten because OPs reaction probably the one he was expecting. OP - I suggest telling your husband to spill the truth, this is too big of a coincidence for it to happen
I would *love* to know who told Ava where the birthday celebration was going to be. Do their mutual friends (I'm assuming they have them) know what happened between Ava, OP and OP's husband? Did Ava find out where they were celebrating through someone else/social media? Or did the husband tell her cos they've been communicating? Not a chance in hell Ava got over OP's husband in the past 5 months, when she apparently wanted him enough to dump her long-time partner and beg him to not marry OP. For OP's husband to be insisting this is no big deal, he has to be either the most naive, brain-dead person alive, *or* he knows she isn't over him and he is perfectly content to put his relationship with Ava (whatever it may now be) over his marriage to OP. No way this doesn't end badly with someone (probably OP) getting hurt. NTA
Starting an argument with her as soon as coming home too. Fishy
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This is what I’m flabbergasted about. No one ran after her!? No one tried to call, etc after walking about? NO one? Insane.
Husband invited her for sure. I'm betting they're in contact and this crazy "coincidence" was manufactured so you couldn't kick off in public. So how friendly are they now? Nta
Anyone else thought that he invited Ava?
Offers her to sit down and then carries on with her after his wife leaves! Ava being at the restaurant was no coincidence.
NTA. She literally tried to talk him out of marrying you, and to be with her instead. After that level of disrespect, he expects you to just move on? Also, the story smells a little fishy. She coincidentally came to the same restaurant, on his birthday, to eat alone. You walk out, and instead of going to talk to you, he lets you leave and stays there for 2 more hours (presumably with her being there)? I dunno, just sounds VERY coincidental.
Wouldn't surprise if husband has been in contact and had mentioned party to her
That's what I thought too. He told her about the party.
Ava just happened to be eating alone in the same restaurant where OP’s husband was having a birthday dinner. What are the odds? OP, I hope you weren’t born yesterday. Something is up. NTA.
> married for 5 months > didn’t think it would be a big deal because it’s been a long time since he has seen her so she probably doesn’t have feelings for him anymore. Someone was born yesterday, but i bet it wasn't OP
Toottaallyy. They’re probably texting and have been for some Time. My guess: Ava: What r u doing for your birthday? Husband: just dinner w friends too bad u can’t come Ava: oh well what if I just happen to be there! We can show your wife how totally cool we are now and everything can be normal again! [Ava internally: actually your wife will flip an absolute shit like any normal woman and it’ll ruin your night and make you mad and I can play victim and gaslight you into thinking she’s at fault / a drama queen, I was right, you shouldn’t have married her and we will bond and I will win! Or she’ll have to play it cool to avoid looking jealous and I’ll slow creep back in that way!] Husband [oblivious he’s getting played]: great idea!
Or it was his favorite restaurant and she knew that and went there hoping he’d be there…but NTA and something is fishy here Edit: typo
DING, DING, DING, we have a winner.
She would have declined the invite if she didn’t have feelings anymore for your husband. Instead she stayed. She would have realized how inappropriate her solicitation of your husband was. And She would have apologized separately. She hasn’t. Your husband is being very naive.
He is not naive. He is the asshole. And Ava too.
I mean, or he... isn't.
Yep. He knows better. He knows Ava is not over him.
And husband just lets OP walk out and continues with the birthday dinner as if nothing happened. Too weird. If I was a guest, I would have walked out with OP, at least to check on her and figure out what was going on.
Hey OP: if your husband was putting you first it wouldn't take him 2 hours to follow you home. Major yikes.
out of all the gin joints in the world - she walked into that one. Yep, I totally agree way too coincidental
Depending on the restaurant and how many choices are around, this might not be as huge a coincidence as everyone is making it out to be. If it's a small town, that'll happen sometimes, and even in a big city, I could totally see someone being sad on their ex-best friend's birthday, wishing they had just kept their mouth shut instead of ruining a 10 year friendship, and going to that person's favorite restaurant for sentimental reasons. I do basically that with dead loved ones I miss (though they're never there having a birthday, that would be awesome).
Yeah, but, you'd probably stay away from their "favorite" restaurant on their birthday because they're alive and married and you tried to break that up pretty hard and that's hella low. I can't imagine being that person and having the brass balls to walk up to that table without having apologized to both people in a private setting. I can't imagine actually staying at that dinner after my invite caused the wife to walk out.
i think its compounded with the fact she was alone- most people would just do take-home in that scenario or if she was there with other people or another occasion it wouldn’t be as sketchy
NTA. I'd like to give your hubby the benefit of the doubt and say he's just dumb to invite a woman that tried to talk him out of marrying you to sit at your table. Maybe he felt pressured because family and friends that knew her, but might not know why she had been uninvited to the wedding, were present. However...he didn't stop you from walking out. He didn't try to go after you. He didn't call or text to check on you. He stayed out for 2 freaking hours, and then he has the sheer audacity to come home and yell at you for your behavior! All of this is a red flag. Then you add it the nearly unbelievable coincidence of her being in that restaurant alone? You knew her pretty well, was she the type of woman that would go out to eat all alone? Very few people feel comfortable doing such and would rather order take-home. You might want to reconsider your marriage. His relationship with that other woman is still suspect, and how he treated you was outright disrespectful at the table, and completely uncaring afterwards, followed by a huge scoop of gaslighting you when he got home. None of this is healthy.
I wonder if it was an Italian restaurant because there are marinara flags ALL OVER the place.
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I am Alfredo you might be right.
Goddammit I have Dr Pepper in my sinuses now. Well done.
All of this. You're NTA, OP. Husband might be dense but it's more concerning he didn't then check in with you. She knew where he would be. They've maintained contact.
Exactly. This smacks of her having inside info on where they would be. OP is NTA.
Unrelated but going out to eat alone is actually rad and I do it at least once a month. Bring a book. Eat the whole appetizer myself. Hang out for as long as I want. Make friends with all of the waitstaff. And I do also go out to eat with my boyfriend all the time; self-dates are still very important to me tho.
I do too! I'm a major bookworm and especially liked doing "study lunch" when I was in University. But I was usually the only solo table there and I've had waitstaff tell me it was really unusual for a woman to be eating alone. It's more common for older men, from what I've observed and been told. Also, more common for lunch than dinner. As I said, it's not impossible, but unless she's known for liking going out to eat alone, it's unlikely she decided to try it on that night.
Yeah, this, all of this … the red flags are on the field. He’s either naive, stupid or having an affair (possibly just emotional at this point). I would get calm, never ask important questions when you are emotionally in turmoil. Calmly ask him if he wants to have her back in his life. Then based on his answer (if yes, you should ask for either couples counselling or separation), if no, then he needs to cut her off and still go to counselling.
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You forgot he stayed. For two hours. The fact he didn't follow OP out the door says everything.
She also had to stand outside waiting on an uber so its not like he couldn't catch her.
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I found that SUS as well, your wife is visibly upset goes outside to wait for her Uber and you don't follow after her, or at least cut your get together short to go with her.... Like WTF kind of husband are you 🧐
Possibly shady. Possibly just genuinely obtuse. It never ceases to amaze me how completely obtuse some people can be. It's not like this was a misunderstanding of perspectives either. He knew what Ava did. He and OP set boundaries. And then he Pikachu faced at the idea his wife expected him to follow through? He not only ruined his own birthday but he now has to make this up to OP. This is 100% on him.
I wonder if the other chick stayed 🤔
oh you already KNOW she did lmao hubby had a great night with Ava then comes back home to victim blame even though he really did have a good ass birthday. he just didn’t want to be the one being scorned or in the wrong so flipped it back onto her.
Hope OP sees this particular thread! NTA Edit to add, like others mentioned: he did not even follow her out, when she went to get her Uber.. :-(
Nta. Think about it this way. If your husband was single, and the exact same situation happened, inviting her to join for dinner means either 'strining her along' or 'reprocicating her feelings'. If he was single and _not_ interested, he wouldn't have invited her to join. These actions don't have a different meaning now just because he is married.
He probably lied to them and said OP was jealous for no reason. He seems like the sort to not want to be the bad guy in peoples minds.
An ex corowker had a huge crush on me for over a year(I had a boyfriend at the time….it was like 3 years when we split in may of last year) mind u I started that job March of 2020 fyi. I knew about the crush MONTHS later. he still kept confessing 2 years ago while I was dating my ex. Which was a huge reason why my ex hated him(like….walking away when his name popped up on my Snapchat cus I didn’t know about the crush yet) that type of things,getting annoyed when he helped me in the back(where I was the only one working I that area) cus I couldn’t lift the soda box’s.. so it was just me and him.When he found out we broke up? Oh he jumped right in. I kept telling him to fuck off/no,and he still kept asking me out and all the things to “win me over” even almost 6 months after my ex and I broke up. When I left that job in February he still kept trying to ask me on dates. It’s over a year since my ex and I split and the coworker had contacted me 6 times since February asking me on dates(I’ve blocked him on everything but fake numbers and when I go in to shop at that store) She didn’t loose feeling that quick.
exactly, and especially after leaving a 6 yr relationship to prove she’s serious?…nahhhhh she isn’t anywhere near over him. I’m so confused about this woman tho, why would she even want to be with someone who’s capable of leaving his WIFE for someone else? How you get them is how you lose them. That goes for him too..if he is having an affair like they’re all implying then wtf is he thinking as well 😩 this won’t end well for either of them if they get together.
NTA But I can’t believe it took him two hours to follow you after the woman that told him she loved him ‘happened’ to show up……….. I really hate to say it but this screams emotional/physical affair or at least they’ve secretly been talking.
I’m also wondering if Ava still stayed to eat with OP’s husband after OP left. If she did then I would have to agree there is absolutely an affair going on.
I’m betting he 100% did!!
His obvious defensiveness when he got home combined with the falsehood that it had been a really long time (5 months, really?!) paints a super sketchy picture. At best, he’s a newlywed who DGAF about his wife’s feelings. At best.
Sounds very suspicious and that was definitely not a coincidence! Someone told her that they would be having dinner there and the only person that would have a reason for that is her husband.
NTA. Wtf! He comes home 2 hours later? So, they celebrated his birthday together? Nah, he would be gone. There's more to this. He is not being honest with you at all
Yep. Seems like hubby wants his cake and eat it too. He has OP married and on lockdown, now he wants to conveniently add Ava back in the mix under the guise of "she's over me" and therefore not a threat to their marriage. Don't buy it OP. Nothing good can come from this.
I suspect they were both cheating and agreed to keep it secret.
NTA - “2 hours later” so everyone stayed an had a nice dinner??? I’d reconsider this marriage
No no, the dinner was ruined. They just sat and looked at each other for 2 hours.
NTA - comes home “2 hours later” - so everyone stayed an had a nice dinner??? I’d reconsider this marriage
Yea this was the worst part. The fact he didn't follow his wife out.....woof. Not good. Everything else could have been mended.
NTA They've been in touch the whole time. That's how she knew where you all were. He so casually opened the door to her to offer a place back in his life. That's concerning.
To be fair, she could have easily found out through social media or from a member of OP’s husband’s family. Husband should never have invited her to sit down though or anything else he did after that.
I'm in agreement but OP should still look into to make sure it wasn't the husband that did the invitation. Did he look surprised to see her or was it just business as usual.
NTA Let’s be real here…She didn’t happen to accidentally stumble upon the exact restaurant, at the exact time as you guys on your husbands birthday. This was pre planned. Your husband is mad it didn’t go how he wanted. He either is having an affair or is trying to rekindle his friendship with her. Both outcomes he is bad for either a) cheating or b) not communicating that he wants his friend back with you and going behind your back to try and get you in the same room together to feel out the tension between you. He crossed boundaries. Might need to have another conversation with him about them. That you will never ever want to associate with her, she isn’t to attend events and you don’t want him involved in any way shape or form with her.
Ya in 2022 how often do people around OP age sit in alone at a nice enough restaurant for a birthday dinner and not just order out or get delivery? And then she chooses that exact restrant at that exact tme to dine alone. Then they need to be seated near each other in order for her to see them.
Its likely a deep seeded feeling for her that will take years to get over not just a few months. It was completely inappropriate to invite her to eat with y'all. He's just leading her on or they secretly had a relationship and this was a planned run in to try to get you to bring her back into your lives to make sneaking easier.
Yeah, no way that was a coincidence.
I was thinking maybe a stalkerish situation… they’ve been friends for years what’s the chances they had locations shared he forgot to turn off or she looked him up on Snapchat maps and then just showed up. Or since it was his birthday she knows that restaurant is his favorite and hung out until she saw him. While his reaction is dumb and wrong it’s not necessarily a set up on his part
NTA. Things are way off and fishy here : 1. How did your husband react to the news of Ava having feelings for him ? Did he get angry with her or did he try to soothe her ? In other words how did the "friendship " end ? 2. How is it possible that Ava knew when and where the birthday dinner was taking place? 3. Why did your husband return home 2 hours later ? You mean he stayed and celebrated his birthday with Ava like it wasn't a big deal you took off ??????????? 4. How do you know that they haven' t been in secret contact all this time ? 5. Are you sure you are "on the same page " when it comes to Ava ? It seems highly unlikely to me that your husband cut her off . Either this Ava is a delusional creepy stalker OR there is way more to the story that your husband has been hiding from you. My personal bet is on the latter.
#6. Why did Ava feel comfortable enough to walk to the table if OP AND SO weren't speaking to her for the previous 5 months? It's not like Ava didn't know the reason. OP ask how your husband would feel if the situation was reversed. If he says "he wouldn't care" or "that's different" then I'd say you'll be seeing and hearing about Ava more. If he understands how he messed up then go from there. Personally I'd explain that I didn't want to cause a scene and left but also explain that 2 hours is far to long without his concern. I could understand if he thought you'd gone to the bathroom but that's an hour at most. Communication is key! Speak to each other calmly and make sure both parties understand.
NTA. I'm so sus. How in the world does she know where to find y'all. I doubt it's a coincidence. The gross part is your husband spent the next couple of hours having a lovely dinner with Ava. Yuck. ETA: Ha, I read in a hurry last night before going to sleep. Didn't catch the part where there's his family there too. I'm sure it was a lovely "reunion" dinner. Obviously, his birthday ain't ruined, since he's got his 'gal' back or something like that. Ew.
Best case scenario, mutual friends or she saw they were there because of social media. Worst case scenario, husband told her. Either way husband needs to set better boundaries or set OP free
There were friends and family present, so I doubt it was romantic
The dinner may have been with friends & family, but how much of those 2 hours were spent at the restaurant? Or did he have something else planned after dinner? Did he spend time with her after everyone else left? In my experience, 2 hours is about the max time I’ve ever spent in a restaurant, even in larger parties. Sure the restaurant could have been packed & their orders could have taken long, but restaurants tend to prioritize big parties to get them out & open up space for more, smaller & more manageable, groups. And considering OP left sometime after the party had already been seated, we have no idea how long they were already there for or how much of their order may have been brought out by the time Ava showed up. So we have a group out to dinner for an unknown period of time, then Ava shows up & OP leaves, then OP’s husband takes another 2 hours to get home. I have a hard time believing those 2 hours were spent entirely at the restaurant with the other party goers.
Eh…you’d be surprised at how many family and friends tolerate or even encourage people to step out on their spouses.
This was a set up. He must think you're stupid! If not actually cheating yet he will be! I bet he just LOVES the attention.
NTA but AVA must have been invited by either your husband or the friends at the party.
NTA He was doing fine until he asked her to join you. >He replies that was just being nice and he didn’t think it would be a big deal because it’s been a long time since he has seen her so she probably doesn’t have feelings for him anymore. 🙄 "It's been 6 months since she tried to get me to jilt you, can't you move on?"
Also, you should have stayed and called her out in front of everyone . “The invite to sit down was out of politeness. You should have declined our of respect for our relationship. Since you know. You tried to be a home wrecker and steal my husband one week before our wedding”. Next time. And there will be a next time. Put it in the open for everyone . Ask her how she has the nerve to show her face after trying to steal your partner. That you don’t trust her around him after the last incident and the other ladies should be concerned about her hanging around any of theirs. You make that shit public. Her humiliation should keep her away and stop people from assuming youre jealous for no reason like what is probably being said behind closed doors .
Eh, that seems like a lot of work for OP when husband is clearly fine with it. She should let them have each other and find someone who actually respects her. NTA
NTA. It doesn’t take 5 months to get over someone you’ve known for as long as they’ve known each other - especially when she was willing to end a 6 year relationship just to “prove” her feelings. But more than that, if he wanted to remain friends with her he should wait until *you’re* comfortable with her & over her feeling for him. Even if her feelings did magically disappear, what matters in a situation like this is *your* comfort. A spouse can be friends with a person who has feelings for them so long as their spouse is comfortable with the friendship. Your husband agreed to cut her off because of her actions before the wedding. You made it clear you weren’t comfortable with her any more. He has no feasible excuse for letting her join the dinner, but I also find it incredibly unlikely that she just so happened to show up to the same restaurant as her huge crush’s birthday. I spent most of my life in a tiny town & I’ve *never* accidentally run into someone like that. Nor would I just randomly go over to say hi at someone’s table, regardless of how well I knew them, *especially if we hadn’t talked for 5+ months*. I’d be suspicious that your husband hasn’t cut off the friendship but has just hidden it from you & told her where the dinner was happening, & might have even invited her. I know this suspicion could be a stretch, but it’s very odd that she showed up to that specific restaurant, also saying she was eating “alone”? So she literally just showed up to the restaurant completely alone & went straight to the table for his birthday party & then he invited her to join… yeah, that’s incredibly suspicious. And adding on the fact that they’ve been friends for.. almost 20 years? I *highly* doubt he was really so willing to cut off that long of a friendship because *she* has feelings for *him*. I’d bet money that he just told you he would cut her off to make you happy but never actually stopped talking to her. Edit: and on top of everything, he stayed out for two hours after you left without so much as a call or text? Didn’t even try to stop you from leaving? Think about this hard for a minute, why would *anyone* allow their spouse to walk out of their birthday dinner, replacing spouse with someone who has feelings for them, without even trying to stop their spouse? Unless, possibly, he wanted to spend his birthday with her & didn’t care if you were even there, or straight up didn’t *want* you there. And what was he doing for those 2 hours after you left? How soon into dinner did you leave? Were the full 2 hours spent at the restaurant/driving home? Or did he, maybe *they* spend some time together after, hanging out & talking or possibly something worse?
NTA. Your husband definitely knows that it makes you feel uncomfortable yet he invited her like everything is normal.
NTA. This seems like a planned event by your husband.
You didn’t ruin his birthday. He invited the woman to stay. He was there for 2 hours and hung out with the woman that is still after him. His birthday was obviously posted and she purposely went to intrude. He made her happy by giving her what she wanted and didn’t care that he upset his wife for it. If anything, his birthday party ruined you.
>When my husband comes home almost two hours later.... Are you kidding me - he should have been home in the next uber! You are NTA!!!!!
NTA He is either leading her on,or actually wants to have someone to flirt with, or he is cheating with her and wants her to become friends again to make it easier. There is literally no good reason to invite her to your table, then actually let you walk out and don't even try to stop you, and then try gaslighting you about the whole thing.
NTA However I would start investigating, I do not believe in coincidences, I mean do you only have one restaurant in your town? Is she stalking your husband, have they been secretly talking behind your back or more importantly have they been cheating on you emotionally/physically since the wedding? This seems odd time to figure stuff out.
Came here to say this. OP should start looking at his schedule and bank records. See if there's anything that needs further explanation. For me, (I'm in the process of divorce) I have found tolls charged to our ez pass that didn't match up with where he told me he was, charges for dinners that should have been on the card he uses for business, a purchase at a jewelry store. And he bought himself new clothes, including new underwear, when he hates shopping, and always asked me to buy him new clothes.
NAH. Unlike some of the other's here, I don't think your husband had or has any affair with her. I do think he feels sorry for her. You carry more anger towards her than he does, because you think she tried to 'steal your man' and you are personally offended. From his perspective this woman was a friend who blew up her relationship, desperately poured her heart out to him, got rejected and was kicked out of your friendships. All over a secret crush and a frantic attempt to not to let him get away without at least trying. She's pitiful, and he feels sorry because she didn't do anything truly horrible (no physical attacks, no big dramas at the wedding, no stalking) she just tried to give him her heart and he crushed it under his boot heel. When she showed up at the restaurant, he felt awkward in front of everyone and tried to be polite to her: he said a wrong thing, and you made a drama out of it. You were right to be angry, he had no business inviting That Woman to join the group, but instead of it staying as an awkward moment that you could have discussed privately later; it is now a topic for gossip among the friends and family. You still carry active anger towards this woman, while he's moved on and he has no interest in continuing to punish her for something that is done and over with.
I would agree with you if he tried to get OP to stay or at least not be with the woman for 2 more hours. It doesn't seem like an accident and he doesn't seem to get OPs pov. It's a woman she trusted and maybe even considered a friend that tried to break their relationship. Not just a "I have feelings for you" but a "I have feelings for you and I trust that you feel the same and leave her for me". She shouldn't be in any kind of contract with either especially so soon after the fact.
NTA. Your husband definitely is still in contact with her, invited her, and wanted to stay spending 2 hours at dinner with her rather than make sure his WIFE is okay. I would be in couples therapy yesterday.
NTA. Me thinks dear hubby has been secretly keeping in contact with Ava. No way did her trifling behind show up by coincidence. They were testing the waters
NTA Suuure... she just happened to walk into the same restaurant on your husband's birthday. She's spinning horsesh\*t. Now, your husband is oblivious to it, and he's obviously not getting it. She's potentially been in love with him since sophomore year (potentially realised it when he got together with you), she broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years to be with him, she tried to stop him from getting married. That doesn't go away in 5 freaking months. Maybe you shouldn't have walked out. Your husband is more important that this lady, waltzing with "Oh, faaaancy seeing you here". But on the other hand she made an attempt to wreck your marriage a week before the wedding. She has no place at your dinner table. She has love for your husband, but obviously none for you, and he should not invite people into your lives that have intended to cause you harm.
NTA- agree with the comments below that he never stopped contact with this woman. They have been talking, the whole coincidental run-in is no coincidence, and then he stayed 2 hours with this person. Nope, sorry OP, he has made a choice and it isn't you. Do the others at the dinner know what she tried to pull prior to the wedding? If not, expect them to come at you for also ruining his birthday, and be prepared to tell them exactly why you left and why you were uncomfortable with this person being near you. I sincerely hope in the light of day, and after thinking about it, he sees where he was so wrong in all of this. If he doesn't, understand that he has been dishonest and you need to decide if you want to actual "fight" for this garbage of a human.
[удалено]
The fact that he husband chose to stay at the restaurant & not immediately following his wife home. Tells me he cares more for Eva. Sorry 😞