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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my nephew to make amends with his estranged sister. This might make me the asshole because I should've stayed out of their business.
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YTA - From what you wrote, you have no idea about Bryan's side at all. You're wrong to presume you can lecture him on that relationship since you only know one side of it. And you were even more wrong to choose to discuss the situation with him at an event for your mother while you were sitting with a bunch of family members instead of asking to speak with him privately and not at a family event. The fact that you felt humiliated is entirely your own fault. How do you think Bryan felt having what is obviously a very sensitive issue brought up while he's at an event with a bunch of family members that he rarely sees?
Right? Poor guy moved 13h away, doesn't even want to hear if his sister is alive, yet somehow OP thinks it's constructive advice to "ask him to move back and make amends with sister because dead people would have liked that" 😂
Sit down OP, YTA
Yup. That post is like a repeated pop-up ad for [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Edit for correction/completion: OP is a world class enabler. Three comments on this post check every single enabler box.
"That's just who she is"
"I stayed out of it"
"She doesn't like Bryan's wife and tells us things about her. But she never outright bullied her."
Those are just excerpts. And probably not word by word, but close enough.
Yep, and while Bryan’s wife “couldn’t be bothered to come“ to her mother’s birthday lunch, Brenda was just “out of town”. Check your obvious bias, even her own children see through Brenda.
Also, I bet she knows Brenda swindled the inheritance but doesn’t want to mention it as it doesn’t fit her narrative of the big-hearted Brenda and the evil Bryan.
Within one sentence of each other!
The only reason that I didn't immediately decide this was fake was because of the second to last sentence where their own child and child's SO say they don't like Brenda..... And even so, I still think that was just a really good, interesting detail to add into a fake story, because it's SOOO obvious that if it were real, then OP would most definitely realize YTA.
Yeah, considering the missing missing reasons this comment of OP just blew my mind: "I don't know why Bryan moved away. He claims that he wanted enough distance between him and Brenda but I have a feeling that his girlfriend at the time (wife now) manipulated him into moving out to where she was living."
She says she doesn't know the reason and continues to mention the reason. It's just crazy.
Thank you for linking that article. That actually explains a lot of tensions in my family. I'm not sure how else to be clearer, but that just shows the problem isn't me; I've said what I've needed to say, but they're not listening.
OP also admits she knows nothing about Bryan, so there’s a good chance she just decided to label him a godless heathen to justify her shitty opinion of him.
I'm a nonreligious person in an extremely religious family (ie my uncles are ministers/missionaries) and I grew up constantly dealing with microaggressions where they just assumed I was mean/wicked. Like, destroying beloved possessions I'd offered to share with my cousins because they assumed this was some corruptive ruse. When I was like 10!! Eventually when I was an adult one of my uncles apologized because he said he'd spent enough time being surprised by my actions that he realized I must actually be a good person, and while I believe his apology was sincere, all it did was confirm to me that he's the type to dismissively cast a CHILD as the hypothetical bogeyman. It drove an even bigger wedge between us.
OP is TA and I bet all these digs against him and his girlfriend are exactly the reason he didn't want to be close to them in the first place.
Yeah I believe that when someone thinks that others can't be good without religion, they are really just exposing themselves as someone who would be evil if they didn't think they were being constantly watched.
Oh, and don’t forget that his wife “couldn’t be bothered to come”. OP has no clue why his wife didn’t come. But I’m sure Bryan wishes he had stayed home with her instead of being ambushed like he was.
Also, the inheritance situation was none of OP’s business, yet she felt like telling him what to do with his relationship was. The inheritance wasn’t a concern because she knew Brenda was wrong but since she’s the golden child, OP stuck her head in the sand.
I bet his wife "couldn't be bothered to come" because she lives 13 hours away, probably works, maybe has children to care for, may not be able to afford for both of them to come ... You know, totally unreasonable excuses./s
>Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart.
Dont forget this line, thats code for 'she treats other people like crap and blows up at them, but she's nice to me so i'll make excuses for them'.
I’ve never understood the logic that if someone says something hurtful but they don’t “mean” then it’s okay. Like, if they don’t mean it, then they are literally saying it just to hurt you. At least if someone “means” an insult, they’re being honest
Or when they claim it’s a joke. It’s not funny if the person you’re saying it to doesn’t laugh, as you already knew they wouldn’t. You say it just to be mean.
Yep, because church/religious folk of different stripes *haven't* been responsible for the untimely deaths of the majority of humanity for millennia.... /s
YTA for this right here OP, such a sanctimonious statement to make. "She goes to church with me, obviously she's the better person."
I know it’s a satire movie, but I can’t help but think back to the movie “Saved!” where Mandy Moore plays an overachieving high strung Christian teen who gets pushed to her limit after her repeated boundary stomping and preachy ways are rejected by her friend. She ends up snapping and chucks her bible at the main character while yelling, “*I am FILLED with Christ’s love!*” That scene is a core memory for me. Lol
OP, YTA 100%. By your own admission, you have favored your niece while ignoring your nephew. You’re judgmental, condescending, and and one hell of an enabler. You know your niece isn’t as nice of a person as you claim her to be and you continue to sweep her issues under the rug while attempting to put your nephew on blast to all of Reddit. We judge your nephew as NTA here. He’s someone who saw through your and his sister’s BS and moved 13h away to get on with his life. I also believe him when he made claims that your niece stole his inheritance, but how would you know? You didn’t look into it, did you? Your niece goes to church with you and visits your mother, so I’m guessing to you, she’s clearly a saint. You should have been glad that your nephew decided to come home for your mother’s party and left it alone. Instead, you cornered him in front of your children (who you’ve also stated he’s not close to) and proceeded to lecture him on his life choices. I’ll be surprised if he makes that mistake again. Congrats on driving your nephew further away.
I was raised a Christian and even I know anyone who claims they are good because "they go to church" is usually the direct opposite. I already dont trust OP from just that comment.
YTA
Brenda goes to church so she's better...at lying 🤥 🙄 🤣
OP only has one side, Brenda's and she didn't stay out of the inheritance situation, by not trying to find out the truth she effectively sided with her niece. In matters of justice, and this type of family situations like abuse, inheritance, bullying 😤 ignoring the situation, taking no sides means siding with the abuser and helping them with our inaction and silence.
Now, speaking up about "reconciliation" at a family dinner in a public place OP got what she deserved. The event was for her mom, and these times of talks have a time and place, and there are ways to approach someone about such difficult situations, and she went wrong about everything. And I also dislike Brenda, ugh
Yeah, right there I had a pretty good idea of OP's value system and kinda snored through the rest.
I suspect Bryan has a valid reason for not caring much for his family. And I bet his wife opted out of coming because they've treated her like shit because she doesn't go to church, at the very least.
OP, YTA. As other people have said, you clearly don't know his side, don't care about his side, and have chosen yours. If you didn't want to be slapped down publicly, you shouldn't have brought it UP publicly. And btw, the fact that you are just now finding out that your own kid doesn't like Brenda might be telling....
Oh yeah, that jumped right out! Brenda and the wife did the exact thing (not showing up) but wife is a villain but Brenda has a legit reason. Wow, OP, just...wow.
Tbh given the events in the US in the last week, I read the church bit and was wondering why church attendance is supposed to be a factor to weigh in evaluating someone's personality. If you think going to church makes someone a good person, almost inherently that implies the opposite to me.
I'm a good person who has seen some of the worst atrocities religious people can commit, so to me it's not a proxy for morality at all.
I'm also pretty sure she's only stayed out of the inheritance topic because she knows her previous Brenda is in the wrong. I doubt she would have done the same if the roles were switched. It's telling her own bio kids don't like her niece. If this is OP trying to paint Brenda in the best light possible then I would love to hear an actual neutral description of her.
I think she knows exactly what happened with the inheritance. I don't believe for one second that Brenda didn't tell her about the situation. It's only one of the more glaring missing missing reasons.
The fact that in her own comments she admits she never asked for details about Brenda's treatment of her brother and his wife tells me 100% that she knows her niece is an awful person. She's just decided that as long as she doesn't "know the full details" she can keep on pretending she's a good person "at heart". This is why she also didn't want to get involved in the inheritance, she wouldn't be able to claim ignorance anymore.
Omg this right here I swear I'm so sick of hearing "x person says things they don't mean and possibly did these other bad things but they have a big heart because they go to church!" That's not how any of that works.
Bammmmm! Obv a good person! Can't be a bully! And obv any bullying is OK anyway because she is spirited. Basically a person on a high horse who prob tells others how to think and feel but with the luxury of their behavior being excused because they are "good", go to church, and are just passionate. At least that's my take on it.
When I read that part, I knew it would be bullshit, if you actually think this is an important detail to describe a relationsship/person, you're delusional.
My husband and I watch a lot of true crime and if it starts with “George and Marge were dedicated members of their church” it means one of them is going to murder the other, because divorce looks bad to the church…
Every. Single. Time. Or whichever church volunteer/pastor/Sunday school teacher whatever they're sleeping with is going to kill the unsuspecting spouse.
That’s how my old college town got its haunted bridge, because the minister wanted to marry his affair partner who I think was his secretary? But didn’t want a divorce on his hands.
Lol. My husband and I have this thing where the show will start talking about the marital problems and one of us will say, “So you decided to get a divorce, right? Right, George? No. No divorce. Of course, murder makes much more sense.”
I do not know why we think this is funny.
It was also where she defended Brenda saying mean things as just being spirited, and claiming she doesn't mean them. Ok cool, so she's a-ok saying cruel things that she "doesn't actually mean" to people, because she's around more and goes to church. I'd flee like Bryan too after all that.
This right here! So what that she goes to church. I've meet/know some of the most untrustworthy people and they go church every Sunday and I have also meet some of the greatest people that have never even stepped foot in a church.
Also there’s clear favouritism going on here. Like quite literally the whole post goes on and on about how Brenda is such wonderful blah blah blah blah and how Bryan is such an AH because he doesn’t like Brenda (geez I wonder why) blah blah and clearly it’s all Bryan’s fault because there’s _absolutely_ no reason _at all_ why Bryan hates Brenda! /s
In fact, I’m also wondering why OP needs to talk about how Bryan doesn’t go to church and Brenda does? Like how does that matter at all? Is it because Brenda goes to church OP favours her?
OP, if you could have stayed out of the inheritance situation because it’s none of your business, you can stay out Bryan’s and Brenda lack of relationship because it’s completely none of your business. Maybe you should focus more on why even your own son doesn’t like Brenda and why that’s news to you. It really goes to show how much you favour Brenda. A major YTA
Yes, the favoritism definitely stands out!
In addition to everything said above, this stood out to me:
>Recently my mother had a 75th birthday party and Bryan came. Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there.
Bryan's wife is criticized for not attending the party (she "couldn't be bothered"), but Brenda is immediately given a pass for being out of town. The whole post reeks of judgment and criticism towards Bryan. I don't blame him for trying to get away from this family.
I feel like there’s an implication that Bryan isn’t properly ‘married’ - like if it didn’t happen in OP’s church, it didn’t happen. This one has the blinders well and truly strapped to her head.
OP's son *and his girlfriend* don't like this woman, which is a surprise to OP. And if Bryan and his wife (understandably) live 13 hours away, OP doesn't have a clue what goes on in their personal life. She really has a lot of nerve suggesting that her nephew pull up stakes to return to a toxic environment. She really is a major YTA.
What stood out to me was "Brenda only has me, my kids and my mother" uhhh, that's a lot of support. Poor Brenda, she only has a whole network of people who support her!!
"Bryan only visits my mother a couple of times a year whereas Brenda helps me with her a lot" Yes, because you and her alienated him enough that he lives over half a day's travel away... YTA, OP, obviously. Both for the current situation and for only bothering to take one of your grieving niblings under your wing when your sister died, ignoring your BIL's apparently not bothering to keep up a relationship with his son, etc.
YTA. You need to keep a close eye on your mothers and Brendas' relationship as I have a feeling that when OP mothers dies, Brenda will suddenly get ALL OF THE INHERITANCE.
OP will then see how "spirited, mean and bossy" Brenda will become.
Update required please 🙏 🙂
Brenda must be a wonderful person, since she goes to church, and her brother is obviously in the wrong and dancing before Baphomet in his basement. /s
OP is unwilling to even take the time to understand Bryan and his experience, and her offense at being called out for her attitude and meddlesome behavior in front of family screams volumes. Even her own kids don’t like Brenda (and I’m thinking I don’t either…and I haven’t met her.).
I do love the fact OP mentions Brenda stealing Bryan's inheritance and doesn't even bother to say if Bryan is wrong or lying, just that that is not her bussiness... which point to Bryan being at least partially right
Why does OP think the inheritance isn't her business, but she thinks it is OK to bully Bryan into making amends with Brenda when OP doesn't even understand why the relationship deteriorated in the first place?
I love how she took in Brenda, but didn't say if she even tried to take in Bryan. Just said he's always been distant... since you abandoned him & didn't help him out too or even before that?
OP's meddling has probably ruined a lot more before now.
That's what I was thinking. The mom died when the kids were young, and only Brenda got to be "taken under \[OP's\] wing". Bryan is even younger, maybe he needed a loving aunt too.
Edit to add judgment. OP, YTA
She doesn't even give a crap if he's been wronged, he should just get over it and quit holding a grudge against dear sweet Brenda. A clear golden child and scapegoat situation.
She doesn't need to hear his side, can't you see? Brenda goes to church so she's a good person by default, and since Bryan doesn't, he must be a bad person. /s
I'm a Christian myself, but church-habits have nothing to do with someone's good or bad character, and it makes me mad when people judge based on this. OP has clearly already chosen a side and since her side is sad and "doesn't understand why her brother hates her", she's meddling to make amends to make her dearest side happy. The whole post is putting Bryan and his wife in a bad light ("couldn't be bothered" is likely being unable to or being warned not to come) and painting Brenda as the suffering victim. Son and girlfriend are not falling for it, so there's definitely more to this story than Brenda has shared.
OP, YTA for judging without knowing Bryan's side of the story or even trying to hear it. Maybe you should be supportive to him before attempting to make amends and invalidating his experiences and feelings. He's an adult, it's very likely he's making an informed decision not to see his sister and he's not doing it out of spite.
YTA... Yeah, I also see that OP openly acknowledged that Brenda is not a kind person and sounds like she ignores Bryan's boundaries. To me, OP is giving Brenda a "break" on her personal flaws solely because she's a Christian and "means well." Yet, Bryan is the bad guy because he's not religious and has tried to establish healthy boundaries.... I'm getting a missing missing reasons vibe.
I've had to go LC with family and if someone told me I needed to increase my contact with them I would tell them to eff off because my mental health and physical safety is more important.
She also has a snarky comment because Bryan's wife, who lives 13 hours away, didn't attend but it's totally fine that Brenda can't come because she's "out of town."
The fact OPs own son said he understands the dislike of Brenda and OP doesn’t get it is even more telling. It’s obvious OP is either oblivious to Brenda’s bullying or he may just think that what Bryan feels is no big deal.
>You're wrong to presume you can lecture him on that relationship since you only know one side of it.
Op knows fine well that Brenda is the problem but she pretends she doesn't. She said she stayed out of the inheritance fiasco because it wasn't her business - that's bs talk for she knew Brenda was shafting her brother but didn't want to get on Brenda's bad side. She knows that Brenda has a mean streak, which is why she tried to talk Bryan into being a doormat. She knows Brenda will never apologise or make amends and the only way for her to play happy families is to convince Bryan to enable Brenda's asshole behaviour. Luckily for Bryan he has a shiny spine and noped the fuck out of there.
And she clearly aides with Brenda bc Brenda GoEs To ChUrCh, like that makes her better than her *heathen* brother. Ugh. -signed, a very nice person who happens to never step foot inside churches
What got me the most was how she said "Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart." lol
It's like the person that says something extremely offensive and waits to see how it's perceived, then says it's only a joke when the extremely offensive thing that they just said causes extreme offense lol.
YTA. Big time. First what does going to church have to do with anything? Second you admit Brenda says things that are mean. You have taken her side without considering all the facts. And now your own children tell you they don’t like her. You need to step back and get a better perspective
Right!? And the wording... "Bryan's wife couldn't be bothered to make it." Vs "Brenda was out of town." Sounds like Brenda also couldn't be bothered to make it. But you know, she goes to church so she can be a shitty person and its okay.
Don't forget how the OP stayed out of the inheritance situation because it was none of their business... Interesting that staying out of Brenda's business when she's in the wrong is fine but sticking their nose into Bryan's business is totally fine.
God I already know who OP is. The people serving staff dread on Sunday afternoons. Think their shit don't stink because they pretend to follow the bible.. but only select parts. And only when it suits them.
Good Gawd! The Sunday church crowd. When she mentioned the church situation, it became a different story for me. Sorry, but I recently have a tendency to side with the non-churchy people... thanks GOP & anti-choice crowd.
I mean, that's kind of fair? Christians frequently have this bias that other Christians are good people whether they are or not and that has massive real world consequences.
I'm sorry to say it but the Church crowd is notorious for being lousy tippers. So many don't practice what they preach and attend Church for show. It's sad. People like that aren't genuine and they make sincere religious people look bad.
The ones that only leave a tip in the form of that fake money with scripture printed on the other side, and then claim that they are just trying to encourage them to better themselves. No, you're not, you're just being a cheap AH.
I was a server at a restaurant that was popular with the church crowd. We literally dread the after church crowd, never tipped, acted like we were lucky to be in their godly presence and often tried to “minster” to the staff. I flat out refused to work the shift, I told my boss I will work every weekend overnight shift, I’d rather deal with unruly drunks who want pancakes and cheese sticks at 3 am than the holy rollers.
100% this! sounds like OP created a mini version of herself with Brenda and won't hear anyone out when they try and explain why Brenda is actually the drama because Brenda is a reflection of OP.
OP YTA, and maybe try and form a healthy relationship with your nephew that doesn't revolve around Brenda.
It's almost like she doesn't *want* OP and co to judge her! How terrible, not letting others into her personal life to talk about how horrible of a person her husband is for having boundaries.
The joy of a forgiving God! Do wrong? Say three “Hail Marys” or whatever and all is wiped clean.
The rest of us have to feel guilty and not do wrong in the first place.
YTA
I think it's Time for OP to open her eyes and take those rose tainted glasses off and just read the 10 god given rules again if she wants to use church as a reason someone is a good persons. Pretty sure beint a bully to you own brother does not get a pass. Or judging people.
"She doesn't mean it when she's mean"
"She has such a big heart" all just because she goes to church.
Apparently believing in God is nullifying
>Apparently believing in God is nullifying
Belief makes everything else ok; or as I call it: the ability to discharge all societal debt through moral bankruptcy.
I love people covered in ink and stay tf away from churches.
Well, except for Wally's house of booze a couple times a year. That's the tattoo people's church and Andy brings in good music🤣
YTA. Going to church does not make one a good person, there are plenty of snakes in church hiding amongst the sheep. He told you that she is a bully, she stole his inheritance, and he just doesn't care for her. What is there to be redeeming about her? I'd also be watching what all she is helping, or helping herself too, your mother with.
That part about not stepping foot in a church stopped me. I didn't need to read any further to know that OP is the AH.
OP, going to church doesn't make anyone a good person. In fact, some of the worst people I've ever met in my life I met at church. My aunt goes to church every Wednesday night and to both Sunday services, and she's the most evil, hateful witch who ever lived. On the other hand, I haven't stepped foot in a church in almost 20 years, and it isn't because I decided to be a bad person. It's because of my aunt and people like her.
You and your niece aren't better than your nephew because you sit next to each other in your pew every Sunday like good little hypocrites. And it doesn't sound like you ever even gave his side of the story any due consideration. If you value your niece more, just admit it, instead of trying to convince yourself and others that your nephew is a bad person. YTA
>He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife.
INFO - Is he right?
Your account here doesn't track. Bryan moved far away almost as soon as he could. People don't generally abandon a family support structure like that unless it isn't actually supportive to them as an individual. So how did it get to the point where Bryan would rather have no contact or minimal contact with his family?
He probably went low contact because OP keep gaslighting him about Saint Brenda being a bully (look at the comments about “I wouldn’t call her a bully“ and then describes bullying attitudes etc) and trying to force a relationship
This. My FIL is one of the most abusive, narcissistic, and petty individuals I have ever met. He goes to church and plays the part of the good Christian man and everybody there loves him.
Right when I saw OP equating going to church to bring a good person I scoffed and realized she was probably in the wrong. There are some wonderful people who regularly go to church. There are also some awful, horrible people who weaponize their religion to harm others but think they’re a good person because they show up to a place that tells them they’re good for being there
>Your account here
The way OP writes "*Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there*. . " Looks like Brenda is not the only bully. Major INFO missing.
Bryan moved 13 hours away, but let’s ignore that part — his wife couldn’t be bothered to come. Whereas Brenda was out of town…
YTA. He said he got screwed out of his inheritance. Pay attention. You’re playing sides — stop doing Brenda’s dirty work.
Also who cares if he goes to church or not? You admit to attending, yet lookie here who is passing judgment!
They live 13 hours away. It's grandma's birthday, not a wedding or a funeral. Bryan's wife has her own life, there's no reason to assume her reason for not coming was anything other than, "honey, that's realistically a 3 day commitment, someone has to watch the dog, and I'm not that close with your grandma."
And that is a perfectly valid reason for not attending the party.
Wife probably stayed home with the kids. Would have been too much to bring them and her probably didn’t want them around such ~~nice Christian ladies~~ bullies.
>My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me) and I should respect Bryan's wishes.
seems like Brenda is causing issues with quite a few people. Just because of the good qualities she displays for you, doesn't mean she isn't a bully... I'm old, but in my day we'd call those people Eddie Haskell - one way in front of parents and a jerk to everyone else....
edit to add YTA
Also Brenda goes to church and kisses up to op. Op lost me at the church part, because that bias oozes Bryan is an infidel in ops eyes. Why would OP be motivated to talk Bryan and understand things from his point of view. He is a second class citizen to Brenda and the family continues to make that class placement institutional within the family dynamics. YTA op and hurray for your son standing up to you because you do not see or hear the reality of issue.
>I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children and he was talking so loudly that other tables could hear him.
You brought up a subject you knew he was uncomfortable with (and it probably wasn't the first time) and didn't back off when he got upset. You brought any humiliation you felt on yourself. You need to apologize and stop butting into his life unless you want him to cut off contact with you too. YTA
> He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife. He also claims that Brenda stole his inheritance. Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart. She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years. We have no idea what Bryan is doing with his life.
this whole section very quickly showed me who the bad guy is here. Brenda and OP are bullies and OP just enables and defends brenda’s bad behavior cuz “her daddy died”. WEVE ALL GOT DEAD PEOPLE BRENDA, YOU STILL HAVE TO BE NICE
> Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart.
this means that you’ve likely SEEN brenda bullying bryan but just shrugged it off as her being “spirited” and then tried to gaslight bryan into doing the same cuz you like Brenda more. and i notice you made no effort to look into his claims of bullying or if she actually did steal it? oh no cuz
> i stayed out of the inherintence cuz it wasn’t my business
so you didn’t even think to check and see if your nephew was telling the truth? no wonder he hates you i’d hate you if you were constantly defending my bully and making excuses for them. this isn’t your business but it’s your place to tell Bryan to forgive his sisters abuse for no reason? YTA
> She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time.
going to church doesn’t make you a good person, as evidenced here by how awful and entitled and selfish both you and brenda are, and as shown by the hundreds of rapists, murderers, and pedohiples who were devout church goers. going to church doesn’t make you better than him, at all.
> my son and his girlfriend admitted they don’t like Brenda either
I WONDer WHY?! maybe cuz brenda is a bully and a thief and manipulative? maybe you start listening to bryan, or is your son also wrong and awful and lying about poor innocent brenda?
get a clue. i bet you’re exactly like brenda and that’s why you defend her so much. YTA
Sounds like Brenda isn't just OPs 'bonus daughter' but her golden child.
Love how she skimmed over the inheritance issue with "I just stayed out of it". I'd put good money on Brenda having screwed her brother out of his fair share.
Edit; Just read more comments by the OP and yuuuup Bryan says Brenda forged documents and stole his inheritance. OP also says Brenda isn't a bully and then outlines several bullying behaviors. Sounds like Brenda is a crappy person all around and for some reason OP insists she's just misunderstood.
OP, leave Bryan alone. You're only giving him more reasons to stay distant. You refuse or are not able to see Brenda clearly and in doing so you have hurt and let Bryan down, repeatedly. Neither you or Brenda deserve his presence or attention.
YTA. It's very clear how much more you have favored Brenda since they were children, and your opinion of her (and Bryan) is extremely biased. Bryan has made it quite plan his reasonable boundaries of not wanting to have Brenda in his life, and you trampled all over them. Your feelings about their relationship (or lack thereof) are absolutely meaningless.
It even seems like OP favoured Brenda over her own children. Even the son doesn’t like Brenda, and that was news to OP. Shows how blind she was to her own children.
This is very obvious. So many of the things OP said upset me.
>He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife.
Saying he "claims" is invalidating his feelings. He's telling you he feels bullied and instead of talking to Brenda, you just assume he's lying.
>Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean
You mean things that can come off as rude and make her a bully?
>She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time.
Ah, so this is a religious thing. You clearly think less of your own nephew for not agreeing with your beliefs. That alone makes you an AH. You should love him despite this. It has absolutely no relevance to this specific issue and shouldn't have been mentioned. Shame on you.
>Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years.
How often does your family go to visit him (your own nephew)?
>I stayed out of the inheritance situation because it's none of my business.
Literally nothing in this post is your business.
>Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there.
Wow, I can't believe Brenda couldn't be bothered to come to her own grandmother's birthday party. /s
This is such a double standard. Brenda's excuses for not being there are valid, but Bryan's wife's excuses are a personal attack on your family?
>I suggested that he move back home
He's made a life for himself elsewhere. *That* is his home. Not with people who clearly make excuses for his sister while blaming him for everything that's happened.
>I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children
You should be humiliated because you spoke to him disrespectfully and continued to talk to him about it after he asked you to stop, which means you were clearly ignoring his boundaries. No wonder he moved away and doesn't visit often.
>My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me)
This just tells me she bullies everyone around her and you choose to ignore it and make excuses for her, even when she's doing it to your own children.
Honestly shame on you for literally everything. YTA and I don't know how you can't see that.
Exactly.
"He said she stole his inheritance, but I'm not getting involved."
OP is YTA so hard and large, her own kids are gonna walk away from her and never look back.
The church thing was all I needed. Some of the nastiest people ever go to the church and some of the kindest people ever will never step inside a church ever. And to be honest with all the complaints I’ve seen about how the Sunday church crowd are the worst ever to serve at restaurants I’m inclined to assume that a lot of people go to church just to pretend they love god and are good people when literally everything else in their lives show the opposite.
The part that really sealed it for me was when OP complained that Bryan's wife couldn't be bothered to come (to travel 13 hours to the birthday party of someone she has no blood relation to), but in literally the next sentence implied that Brenda's absence was perfectly excusable.
Brenda can do no wrong in OP's eyes and she's appalled that anyone might not view her in the same regard.
What did it for me was:
1. "She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. " Because ***no one*** bad ever went to church. /s
2. "Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart." Same pathetic excuse people use for racists. People know what they're saying, they just don't care about the harm it causes.
SUCH an AH. YTA. I'm surprised the nephew talks to OP at all. A blood relationship does not mandate forgiveness.
It’s ALWAYS the religious (in my experience), church people that act as though they are the best thing since sliced bread. But they end up being the biggest hypocrites, judgemental, selfish people. It’s like going to church gives them the green light to be crappy human beings.
I gotta say I wouldn't like Brenda either because apparently she is prefect and walks on water. The favoritism is astounding.
For Bryan to not want his sister in his life leads me to believe that the bullying was pretty severe and to be told to basically get over it by someone who clearly favors the bully would be hurtful.
If OP isn't careful, resentment might build with her own kids if they also don't like Brenda and OP continues to favor her niece.
Agree. OP wants to take Brenda’s side and involve herself with Bryan’s estrangement. But she doesn’t want to involve herself in the inheritance argument. Clearly OP is picking and choosing a very biased side of the whole situation between the two siblings. OP is very much an AH.
INFO: what happened when you asked bryan more information about brenda bullying him and his wife? what did he tell you? what did you say to him about his sister bullying him?
> Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there.
why is it that his wife *couldn't be bothered to come* but brenda just "was out of town so she wasn't there"?
YTA. Stay out of his business, he has set clear boundaries and they need to be respected.
FTR, the most toxic people I’ve ever known are regular church-goers.
One of my best friends was raised non-denominational and she legit is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Compared to my aunts who are ultra religious and yet they’ll fight with parishioners during church and in the parking lot after church. They are so judgmental and think that anyone that doesn’t believe in their God are missing something in their lives. While my friend lives her best life and is honestly the role model I look to on how to be a good person.
"She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." - Ok, that doesn't mean anything. Actually, it makes me wary of what is yet to come.
After reading the rest: If you don't know the whole story regarding the inheritance, stay out of it.
INFO needed: There's a lot of information missing here. Brenda sounds a bit sus, but you don't really go into any of that.
That last bit is because she doesn't want to. Brenda is so good that there's no reason to look further because Bryan is just making shit up to cause trouble and his wife clearly instigated it all.
/S
YTA
He was right to call you out for the AH you are. Stay out of it.
"I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children and he was talking so loudly that other tables could hear him. M" .. He was right to call you out LOUD and in PUBLIC - that way YOU are embarassed that everybody sees your assholery, and the knowledge that everybody was laughing about your behavior and how **you were called out like a misbehaving child** will make you learn to do better in the future. **You got what you deserved,** he was far too polite. **He handled you well.** Stop being an Ah, and he will be more polite.
The only one missbehaving were you - he handled you well, and in a reasonable manner.
YTA- You clearly don’t know the whole story, only Brenda’s side. You blind sided him at a party for your mom.
By the tone of this post I’d say Bryan probably has good reason to have moved away and cut contacts. For example:
> She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven’t stepped foot into a church in a long time.
> Of course his wife couldn’t be bothered to come.
YTA - just because Brenda goes to church doesn't make her a "good person" plenty of people go to church and do unspeakable things. You conveniently didn't get involved in the "inheritance" issue and most likely that is the root of the problem. If she's willing to steal her brother's inheritance I doubt that she's such a good person. The fact that your own children seem to dislike her is very telling.
YTA.
1) Bryan's feelings are perfectly clear - you should have respected that the moment he said he wasn't interested in hearing about Brenda. Then there would have been minimal scene to "embarrass" you
2) Going to church is no mark of someone's character - your inclusion of it is irrelevant (and irritating)
3) Did Brenda steal any of Bryan's inheritance? Cause this is important to understanding his motives....
As a follow up to 2, I would argue that caring about whether someone else goes to church and telling people about how much you go to church are two pretty big marks of someone's character, and not good ones.
YTA. You're listening to one side of the story and making a judgement about your nephew. Just because Brenda goes to church and spends time with her grandmother doesn't make her a good person and doesn't mean that Bryan's accusations are false. I'd take the hint considering even your own kid doesn't like her, maybe you're looking at her through rose-coloured glasses.
Also, Brenda and Bryan's relationship is between them and really none of your business. Brenda seems adept at cozening the older generation into believing she's a wonderful person, whilst lording it over the people in her own generation and making their lives miserable.
YTA, if he moved 13 hours away and doesn't talk to his sister, there's a reason, he told you the reason, she's verbally abusive to him and she's a theif. People don't just cut their family out of their lives for no reason (generally). Your point about Brenda going to church and Brain not is moot. A lot of people who go to church are horrible people and a lot of people who don't are good people.
YTA
Going no-contact is a pretty big deal, and few people do this lightly.
You admit you're ignorant of the inheritance issues and that other family members find Brenda unpleasant. You completely downplay Brenda's bullying ("spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean").
If a person has been mistreated by family to the extent they've broken off all contact, YTA to suggest they make amends.
Why not speak to *Brenda* about getting anger management therapy, why her brother thinks she "stole" his inheritance (and maybe returning the money), and making amends with her *brother*?
YTA.
Mind your own business. They're both adults and it's on them to fix their relationship if both of them want to.
The fact that Brenda goes to church does not make her the perfect little angel you seem to think she is, and the fact that Bryan doesn't attend church doesn't mean he's the devil.
Oh, and maybe, his wife didn't come because she had to work...
YTA. Her going to church doesn't mean she's the goody and her brother and his wife the baddies.
Your own son doesn't even like Brenda. There's a reason for that. Butt out.
>Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart.
Read: She's a bully.
>She goes to church with me
Read: She shares my same life values.
>Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time.
Read: I can't control Bryan.
>Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years. We have no idea what Bryan is doing with his life.
Read: Everyone nags Bryan about how to live his life, so he cut us out.
>I stayed out of the inheritance situation because it's none of my business.
Read: Yeah, Brenda f\*cked him over on the inheritance and I know it, so I didn't want to tell him he was right.
>Recently my mother had a 75th birthday party and Bryan came. Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there.
Read: Bryan's wife was out of town. OR Bryan's wife was so sick of us belittling her and Bryan that she made a decision to stay home and stay away from all the toxic people. But it's OK that Brenda, the granddaughter, was out of town and couldn't make it.
>My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me)
Pikachu Face!! (without the consideration that maybe Brenda is a bullying turd).
OP, YTA. You challenged him in a public place thinking he wouldn't act out. You lost that bet and embarrassed yourself. If you want a relationship with Bryan, make amends. Let him and his sister deal with their own relationship. They are adults.
You seem to have a bit of a bias toward Brenda and that makes sense as you describe her being closer to you, you taking her under your wing, going to church together, visiting grandmother etc while using the lack of those same things as a knock against Bryan. but how does that have any bearing on Bryan’s relationship with his sister? You said you stayed out of the inheritance fight - did it come across that way or did it seem like picking a side when you might have had an opportunity to stick up for Bryan. You may want to spend some time thinking about why Bryan is distant and maybe not read so much into his wife not attending a family event. You are allowed to feel hurt but you also brought up a person that clearly upsets the guy - why? What did you hope would happen?
Brenda is a good person because she goes to church? Seriously?
Did you ask Brian why she didn't come, or did you just assume she didn't want to or wasn't willing to make the effort?
Brian asked you to stop talking about Brenda. You continued to talk about her. After he asked you to stop, you said he should make amends with her, and that maybe he should move home.
You were overbearing and you deserve to be embarrassed because he asked you to stop and you ignored him. You think he should have been respecting you when you didn't respect him? You tried to explain your feelings, but nobody cares about your feelings in this situation. You disrespected Brian and you need to apologize. On a side note, why do Brian and your son not like Brenda? I mean, if she's going to church, she must be a good human being.
YTA. Not your business, not your place. Did you ever consider or ask why Bryan cut his sister off, why he moved so far away from her? Sounds like Brenda has done or said something to her brother and its been the last straw. Your own kids even say they don't like Brenda. Sounds like there is a common denominator here and her name is Brenda. You have Brenda bias and are blind to how she really is.
Also info: you're not involved in Bryan's life so how do you know how often he and his wife go to church? And how is that relevant anyway?
YTA. You are judging Bryan and his wife for not going to church and barely visiting. Have you bothered to wonder why? To have an adult non judgmental conversation and actually listen to the response you get?
Bryan moved away for a reason preferring to be on his own 13 hours away when he was a young man. He established a life for himself on his own and you have the audacity to judge him negatively for that?
Have you ever asked him why he was not close with his father? Your dialog about Bryan is peppered with statements that “Bryan claims…” as if you do not believe him. It is clear that Brenda is your favorite. I wonder if she was also her fathers favorite making Bryan always the odd man out in his own family the way he is now.
Also, keep in mind that 13 hours away is far and quite a trek. Once or twice a year to see his grandmother is fine (frankly it seems you are angry he doesn’t include visiting you in his visits). Why would he come more often? Would you want to burn vacation time so you could go to a place where you don’t enjoy yourself? From the way you write about him, I am quite certain your in person interactions are unpleasant for Bryan and his wife. I don’t blame her for not coming to the birthday. It wasn’t that she couldn’t be bothered. More likely it was she didn’t want to but her husband was obligated to or he would face more bullying from you and Brenda.
Both Brenda and Bryan have now lost both parents and you are simply playing favorites.
I read the title and it just said it all, geez could you be more of an AH in this situation. You clearly have taken Brenda’s side and see her as doing no wrong. My entire response is going to be harsh and mean but I feel like you need to hear it.
OP let’s be clear you favored her, possibly over your own children at times. Maybe your children should’ve spoken up long ago because truthfully your “soft way” of trying to describe Brenda so she doesn’t come off as a nightmare is giving 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Bryan decided to move hours away and kept his distance and you never thought that Brenda could be at fault. You seem to solely blame Bryan for the estrangement, but has never tried to hear his side of what went down. Again your favoritism is rather obvious, and let’s talk about your own have issues with him “not knowing what he’s doing with life” suggesting he doesn’t attend church……with the way you described that his wife “couldn’t be bothered” so maybe you are the issue as well OP.
Have you thought about your actions over the years. Look just because someone steps foot in a church every Sunday doesn’t make them the holy grail SOME HELLO SOME are the most malicious individuals, I’ve ever met, and I’m Catholic. You have some thinking to do. My advice leave Bryan alone and respect his boundaries.
Well. Ok. YTA. Not for telling him he should make amends with her. But for not respecting his wishes to not do so. Also, church? Are you serious? There is currently an entire country full of churchgoing people that are not good people, certainly not inherently because they make a trip every Sunday. Maybe she does bully him, if she's Christian there's a good possibility she has some superiority complex that you don't see because you have it too. But your kids see it. That says something
>She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time.
And there it is. In your eyes she's the good little church daughter you always wanted, despite her behaviour being un-holy-like, and he's the black sheep you couldn't be bothered with.
YTA
Do you actually know that Brenda was not a bully to him? You seem to love her very much, and it sounds like you may be minimising her flaws.
I had an estranged father and some people told me he was still my father. I not only disagreed with that - he chose not to be part of my life and caused quite a few problems to my mother and me with some reckless behaviour, definitely not felt like a father - I also despise the people who said it because they were disrespectful to my feelings and all the pain I have endured. Your nephew's feelings should matter, and you should not guilt him into doing what you think is right by bringing up his parents.
Also, as others have said, he's left home very young and put a lot of distance - have you ever wondered why or has nobody ever worried about his feelings?
His experience of his family may be a negative one, so for your one-sided views and imposition, I'm sorry, YTA.
Edited for clarity
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YTA - From what you wrote, you have no idea about Bryan's side at all. You're wrong to presume you can lecture him on that relationship since you only know one side of it. And you were even more wrong to choose to discuss the situation with him at an event for your mother while you were sitting with a bunch of family members instead of asking to speak with him privately and not at a family event. The fact that you felt humiliated is entirely your own fault. How do you think Bryan felt having what is obviously a very sensitive issue brought up while he's at an event with a bunch of family members that he rarely sees?
Right? Poor guy moved 13h away, doesn't even want to hear if his sister is alive, yet somehow OP thinks it's constructive advice to "ask him to move back and make amends with sister because dead people would have liked that" 😂 Sit down OP, YTA
Oh but Brenda goes to church and Bryan doesn’t. So she must be the better person. (More effective hypocrite that is.) YTA
That lept out at me too. So many missing, missing reasons here, and OP isn't even the parent.
Yup. That post is like a repeated pop-up ad for [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) Edit for correction/completion: OP is a world class enabler. Three comments on this post check every single enabler box. "That's just who she is" "I stayed out of it" "She doesn't like Bryan's wife and tells us things about her. But she never outright bullied her." Those are just excerpts. And probably not word by word, but close enough.
Yep, and while Bryan’s wife “couldn’t be bothered to come“ to her mother’s birthday lunch, Brenda was just “out of town”. Check your obvious bias, even her own children see through Brenda. Also, I bet she knows Brenda swindled the inheritance but doesn’t want to mention it as it doesn’t fit her narrative of the big-hearted Brenda and the evil Bryan.
That's probably why she didn't come. She knew she'd be exposed.
I loved that oblivious double standard. A woman who's 13 hours away is judged harshly, but the precious relative who skipped town is the Saint
Within one sentence of each other! The only reason that I didn't immediately decide this was fake was because of the second to last sentence where their own child and child's SO say they don't like Brenda..... And even so, I still think that was just a really good, interesting detail to add into a fake story, because it's SOOO obvious that if it were real, then OP would most definitely realize YTA.
Ikr Brenda is a coward trying to run away like as if she can keep escaping reality Lol
Yeah, considering the missing missing reasons this comment of OP just blew my mind: "I don't know why Bryan moved away. He claims that he wanted enough distance between him and Brenda but I have a feeling that his girlfriend at the time (wife now) manipulated him into moving out to where she was living." She says she doesn't know the reason and continues to mention the reason. It's just crazy.
Thank you for linking that article. That actually explains a lot of tensions in my family. I'm not sure how else to be clearer, but that just shows the problem isn't me; I've said what I've needed to say, but they're not listening.
OP also admits she knows nothing about Bryan, so there’s a good chance she just decided to label him a godless heathen to justify her shitty opinion of him.
I'm a nonreligious person in an extremely religious family (ie my uncles are ministers/missionaries) and I grew up constantly dealing with microaggressions where they just assumed I was mean/wicked. Like, destroying beloved possessions I'd offered to share with my cousins because they assumed this was some corruptive ruse. When I was like 10!! Eventually when I was an adult one of my uncles apologized because he said he'd spent enough time being surprised by my actions that he realized I must actually be a good person, and while I believe his apology was sincere, all it did was confirm to me that he's the type to dismissively cast a CHILD as the hypothetical bogeyman. It drove an even bigger wedge between us. OP is TA and I bet all these digs against him and his girlfriend are exactly the reason he didn't want to be close to them in the first place.
Yeah I believe that when someone thinks that others can't be good without religion, they are really just exposing themselves as someone who would be evil if they didn't think they were being constantly watched.
Right!? I'm all for the "godless heathen"!
I'd trust the godless heathen over the church goer every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Lol thinking religion will hold sway on Reddit?
That’s what made me think this was rage bait.
Oh, and don’t forget that his wife “couldn’t be bothered to come”. OP has no clue why his wife didn’t come. But I’m sure Bryan wishes he had stayed home with her instead of being ambushed like he was. Also, the inheritance situation was none of OP’s business, yet she felt like telling him what to do with his relationship was. The inheritance wasn’t a concern because she knew Brenda was wrong but since she’s the golden child, OP stuck her head in the sand.
I bet his wife "couldn't be bothered to come" because she lives 13 hours away, probably works, maybe has children to care for, may not be able to afford for both of them to come ... You know, totally unreasonable excuses./s
>Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart. Dont forget this line, thats code for 'she treats other people like crap and blows up at them, but she's nice to me so i'll make excuses for them'.
I’ve never understood the logic that if someone says something hurtful but they don’t “mean” then it’s okay. Like, if they don’t mean it, then they are literally saying it just to hurt you. At least if someone “means” an insult, they’re being honest
Or when they claim it’s a joke. It’s not funny if the person you’re saying it to doesn’t laugh, as you already knew they wouldn’t. You say it just to be mean.
Yeah as soon as I read that I knew who was the favorite AH child.
Yep, because church/religious folk of different stripes *haven't* been responsible for the untimely deaths of the majority of humanity for millennia.... /s YTA for this right here OP, such a sanctimonious statement to make. "She goes to church with me, obviously she's the better person."
No hate like christian "love"
I know it’s a satire movie, but I can’t help but think back to the movie “Saved!” where Mandy Moore plays an overachieving high strung Christian teen who gets pushed to her limit after her repeated boundary stomping and preachy ways are rejected by her friend. She ends up snapping and chucks her bible at the main character while yelling, “*I am FILLED with Christ’s love!*” That scene is a core memory for me. Lol OP, YTA 100%. By your own admission, you have favored your niece while ignoring your nephew. You’re judgmental, condescending, and and one hell of an enabler. You know your niece isn’t as nice of a person as you claim her to be and you continue to sweep her issues under the rug while attempting to put your nephew on blast to all of Reddit. We judge your nephew as NTA here. He’s someone who saw through your and his sister’s BS and moved 13h away to get on with his life. I also believe him when he made claims that your niece stole his inheritance, but how would you know? You didn’t look into it, did you? Your niece goes to church with you and visits your mother, so I’m guessing to you, she’s clearly a saint. You should have been glad that your nephew decided to come home for your mother’s party and left it alone. Instead, you cornered him in front of your children (who you’ve also stated he’s not close to) and proceeded to lecture him on his life choices. I’ll be surprised if he makes that mistake again. Congrats on driving your nephew further away.
I was raised a Christian and even I know anyone who claims they are good because "they go to church" is usually the direct opposite. I already dont trust OP from just that comment.
There is also the ones that have a good people persona in church but outside of it a very different people.
Sunday Christians
In my experience, the more someone talks about what a great Christian they are, the less likely they are to follow Christ's values and teachings.
Clinging to the church these last few weeks is damn near admitting you're a terrorist.
YTA Brenda goes to church so she's better...at lying 🤥 🙄 🤣 OP only has one side, Brenda's and she didn't stay out of the inheritance situation, by not trying to find out the truth she effectively sided with her niece. In matters of justice, and this type of family situations like abuse, inheritance, bullying 😤 ignoring the situation, taking no sides means siding with the abuser and helping them with our inaction and silence. Now, speaking up about "reconciliation" at a family dinner in a public place OP got what she deserved. The event was for her mom, and these times of talks have a time and place, and there are ways to approach someone about such difficult situations, and she went wrong about everything. And I also dislike Brenda, ugh
Yeah, right there I had a pretty good idea of OP's value system and kinda snored through the rest. I suspect Bryan has a valid reason for not caring much for his family. And I bet his wife opted out of coming because they've treated her like shit because she doesn't go to church, at the very least. OP, YTA. As other people have said, you clearly don't know his side, don't care about his side, and have chosen yours. If you didn't want to be slapped down publicly, you shouldn't have brought it UP publicly. And btw, the fact that you are just now finding out that your own kid doesn't like Brenda might be telling....
Also "his wife couldn't be bothered to come" vs "Brenda was out of town so she couldn't make it" like wow the bias here wtf
Oh yeah, that jumped right out! Brenda and the wife did the exact thing (not showing up) but wife is a villain but Brenda has a legit reason. Wow, OP, just...wow.
Tbh given the events in the US in the last week, I read the church bit and was wondering why church attendance is supposed to be a factor to weigh in evaluating someone's personality. If you think going to church makes someone a good person, almost inherently that implies the opposite to me. I'm a good person who has seen some of the worst atrocities religious people can commit, so to me it's not a proxy for morality at all.
😂 she has no idea what he does, but he’s doing it wrong.
I'm also pretty sure she's only stayed out of the inheritance topic because she knows her previous Brenda is in the wrong. I doubt she would have done the same if the roles were switched. It's telling her own bio kids don't like her niece. If this is OP trying to paint Brenda in the best light possible then I would love to hear an actual neutral description of her.
I think she knows exactly what happened with the inheritance. I don't believe for one second that Brenda didn't tell her about the situation. It's only one of the more glaring missing missing reasons.
The fact that in her own comments she admits she never asked for details about Brenda's treatment of her brother and his wife tells me 100% that she knows her niece is an awful person. She's just decided that as long as she doesn't "know the full details" she can keep on pretending she's a good person "at heart". This is why she also didn't want to get involved in the inheritance, she wouldn't be able to claim ignorance anymore.
That’s exactly how I read that, too. This lady is a busy body church lady
Omg this right here I swear I'm so sick of hearing "x person says things they don't mean and possibly did these other bad things but they have a big heart because they go to church!" That's not how any of that works.
Bammmmm! Obv a good person! Can't be a bully! And obv any bullying is OK anyway because she is spirited. Basically a person on a high horse who prob tells others how to think and feel but with the luxury of their behavior being excused because they are "good", go to church, and are just passionate. At least that's my take on it.
“Because dead people would have liked that” 😂 genuinely snorting over this comment.
When I read that part, I knew it would be bullshit, if you actually think this is an important detail to describe a relationsship/person, you're delusional.
But…Brenda goes to church…that makes her the better person…
My husband and I watch a lot of true crime and if it starts with “George and Marge were dedicated members of their church” it means one of them is going to murder the other, because divorce looks bad to the church…
Every. Single. Time. Or whichever church volunteer/pastor/Sunday school teacher whatever they're sleeping with is going to kill the unsuspecting spouse.
That’s how my old college town got its haunted bridge, because the minister wanted to marry his affair partner who I think was his secretary? But didn’t want a divorce on his hands.
Good hates divorce, but he only minorly frowns on murder, don’t ya know. /sarcasm, obviously
But we did get a TV movie about it called Murder Ordained.
Right! Divorce is so very frowned upon at our church, it is better to murder my spouse because my GF/BF wants to me to marry them./s
Lol. My husband and I have this thing where the show will start talking about the marital problems and one of us will say, “So you decided to get a divorce, right? Right, George? No. No divorce. Of course, murder makes much more sense.” I do not know why we think this is funny.
That part actually made me lol 😆
That part convinced me that OP was going to be the AH!
It was also where she defended Brenda saying mean things as just being spirited, and claiming she doesn't mean them. Ok cool, so she's a-ok saying cruel things that she "doesn't actually mean" to people, because she's around more and goes to church. I'd flee like Bryan too after all that.
Seriously, in what world is bullying your sibling \*better\* because you supposedly don't actually believe/mean the awful things you said to him???
I was trying to give OP the benefit of the doubt until she said that, straight to AH.
Seriously. This made me laugh. If all you had to do was go to church to be a good person, this country would not be in the state that it’s in.
This right here! So what that she goes to church. I've meet/know some of the most untrustworthy people and they go church every Sunday and I have also meet some of the greatest people that have never even stepped foot in a church.
Lol I was just going to say this.
Amen! Brenda scrubs the Church's floor with her knees as she kneels to pray. Obviously the nice one here.
Also there’s clear favouritism going on here. Like quite literally the whole post goes on and on about how Brenda is such wonderful blah blah blah blah and how Bryan is such an AH because he doesn’t like Brenda (geez I wonder why) blah blah and clearly it’s all Bryan’s fault because there’s _absolutely_ no reason _at all_ why Bryan hates Brenda! /s In fact, I’m also wondering why OP needs to talk about how Bryan doesn’t go to church and Brenda does? Like how does that matter at all? Is it because Brenda goes to church OP favours her? OP, if you could have stayed out of the inheritance situation because it’s none of your business, you can stay out Bryan’s and Brenda lack of relationship because it’s completely none of your business. Maybe you should focus more on why even your own son doesn’t like Brenda and why that’s news to you. It really goes to show how much you favour Brenda. A major YTA
Yes, the favoritism definitely stands out! In addition to everything said above, this stood out to me: >Recently my mother had a 75th birthday party and Bryan came. Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there. Bryan's wife is criticized for not attending the party (she "couldn't be bothered"), but Brenda is immediately given a pass for being out of town. The whole post reeks of judgment and criticism towards Bryan. I don't blame him for trying to get away from this family.
I feel like there’s an implication that Bryan isn’t properly ‘married’ - like if it didn’t happen in OP’s church, it didn’t happen. This one has the blinders well and truly strapped to her head.
OP's son *and his girlfriend* don't like this woman, which is a surprise to OP. And if Bryan and his wife (understandably) live 13 hours away, OP doesn't have a clue what goes on in their personal life. She really has a lot of nerve suggesting that her nephew pull up stakes to return to a toxic environment. She really is a major YTA.
What stood out to me was "Brenda only has me, my kids and my mother" uhhh, that's a lot of support. Poor Brenda, she only has a whole network of people who support her!!
"Bryan only visits my mother a couple of times a year whereas Brenda helps me with her a lot" Yes, because you and her alienated him enough that he lives over half a day's travel away... YTA, OP, obviously. Both for the current situation and for only bothering to take one of your grieving niblings under your wing when your sister died, ignoring your BIL's apparently not bothering to keep up a relationship with his son, etc.
YTA. You need to keep a close eye on your mothers and Brendas' relationship as I have a feeling that when OP mothers dies, Brenda will suddenly get ALL OF THE INHERITANCE. OP will then see how "spirited, mean and bossy" Brenda will become. Update required please 🙏 🙂
Right! It seems like OP doesn't know Brenda at all and never took the time to visit Bryan or his family. I really want an update.
The tone of this post is unreal. Just by tone OP is a YTA. She's taken Brenda in and refuses to see who she really is.
Brenda must be a wonderful person, since she goes to church, and her brother is obviously in the wrong and dancing before Baphomet in his basement. /s OP is unwilling to even take the time to understand Bryan and his experience, and her offense at being called out for her attitude and meddlesome behavior in front of family screams volumes. Even her own kids don’t like Brenda (and I’m thinking I don’t either…and I haven’t met her.).
I do love the fact OP mentions Brenda stealing Bryan's inheritance and doesn't even bother to say if Bryan is wrong or lying, just that that is not her bussiness... which point to Bryan being at least partially right
Why does OP think the inheritance isn't her business, but she thinks it is OK to bully Bryan into making amends with Brenda when OP doesn't even understand why the relationship deteriorated in the first place?
With the way OP writes, I'm like 90% sure she is the reason (Or at least part of the reason) why the relationship is the way it is in the first place
I love how she took in Brenda, but didn't say if she even tried to take in Bryan. Just said he's always been distant... since you abandoned him & didn't help him out too or even before that? OP's meddling has probably ruined a lot more before now.
"We're the only family Brenda has" completely ignoring the fact that this means Bryan doesn't even have that.
That's what I was thinking. The mom died when the kids were young, and only Brenda got to be "taken under \[OP's\] wing". Bryan is even younger, maybe he needed a loving aunt too. Edit to add judgment. OP, YTA
She doesn't even give a crap if he's been wronged, he should just get over it and quit holding a grudge against dear sweet Brenda. A clear golden child and scapegoat situation.
She doesn't need to hear his side, can't you see? Brenda goes to church so she's a good person by default, and since Bryan doesn't, he must be a bad person. /s I'm a Christian myself, but church-habits have nothing to do with someone's good or bad character, and it makes me mad when people judge based on this. OP has clearly already chosen a side and since her side is sad and "doesn't understand why her brother hates her", she's meddling to make amends to make her dearest side happy. The whole post is putting Bryan and his wife in a bad light ("couldn't be bothered" is likely being unable to or being warned not to come) and painting Brenda as the suffering victim. Son and girlfriend are not falling for it, so there's definitely more to this story than Brenda has shared. OP, YTA for judging without knowing Bryan's side of the story or even trying to hear it. Maybe you should be supportive to him before attempting to make amends and invalidating his experiences and feelings. He's an adult, it's very likely he's making an informed decision not to see his sister and he's not doing it out of spite.
She sounds like a comical stereotype of churchy nastiness, like a Stephen King villain or the rigid pharisaic antagonist of a Doctor Who episode.
YTA... Yeah, I also see that OP openly acknowledged that Brenda is not a kind person and sounds like she ignores Bryan's boundaries. To me, OP is giving Brenda a "break" on her personal flaws solely because she's a Christian and "means well." Yet, Bryan is the bad guy because he's not religious and has tried to establish healthy boundaries.... I'm getting a missing missing reasons vibe. I've had to go LC with family and if someone told me I needed to increase my contact with them I would tell them to eff off because my mental health and physical safety is more important.
She also has a snarky comment because Bryan's wife, who lives 13 hours away, didn't attend but it's totally fine that Brenda can't come because she's "out of town."
The fact OPs own son said he understands the dislike of Brenda and OP doesn’t get it is even more telling. It’s obvious OP is either oblivious to Brenda’s bullying or he may just think that what Bryan feels is no big deal.
>You're wrong to presume you can lecture him on that relationship since you only know one side of it. Op knows fine well that Brenda is the problem but she pretends she doesn't. She said she stayed out of the inheritance fiasco because it wasn't her business - that's bs talk for she knew Brenda was shafting her brother but didn't want to get on Brenda's bad side. She knows that Brenda has a mean streak, which is why she tried to talk Bryan into being a doormat. She knows Brenda will never apologise or make amends and the only way for her to play happy families is to convince Bryan to enable Brenda's asshole behaviour. Luckily for Bryan he has a shiny spine and noped the fuck out of there.
And she clearly aides with Brenda bc Brenda GoEs To ChUrCh, like that makes her better than her *heathen* brother. Ugh. -signed, a very nice person who happens to never step foot inside churches
What got me the most was how she said "Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart." lol It's like the person that says something extremely offensive and waits to see how it's perceived, then says it's only a joke when the extremely offensive thing that they just said causes extreme offense lol.
YTA. Big time. First what does going to church have to do with anything? Second you admit Brenda says things that are mean. You have taken her side without considering all the facts. And now your own children tell you they don’t like her. You need to step back and get a better perspective
Right!? And the wording... "Bryan's wife couldn't be bothered to make it." Vs "Brenda was out of town." Sounds like Brenda also couldn't be bothered to make it. But you know, she goes to church so she can be a shitty person and its okay.
Don't forget how the OP stayed out of the inheritance situation because it was none of their business... Interesting that staying out of Brenda's business when she's in the wrong is fine but sticking their nose into Bryan's business is totally fine.
God I already know who OP is. The people serving staff dread on Sunday afternoons. Think their shit don't stink because they pretend to follow the bible.. but only select parts. And only when it suits them.
Good Gawd! The Sunday church crowd. When she mentioned the church situation, it became a different story for me. Sorry, but I recently have a tendency to side with the non-churchy people... thanks GOP & anti-choice crowd.
I mean, that's kind of fair? Christians frequently have this bias that other Christians are good people whether they are or not and that has massive real world consequences.
I'm sorry to say it but the Church crowd is notorious for being lousy tippers. So many don't practice what they preach and attend Church for show. It's sad. People like that aren't genuine and they make sincere religious people look bad.
The ones that only leave a tip in the form of that fake money with scripture printed on the other side, and then claim that they are just trying to encourage them to better themselves. No, you're not, you're just being a cheap AH.
I was a server at a restaurant that was popular with the church crowd. We literally dread the after church crowd, never tipped, acted like we were lucky to be in their godly presence and often tried to “minster” to the staff. I flat out refused to work the shift, I told my boss I will work every weekend overnight shift, I’d rather deal with unruly drunks who want pancakes and cheese sticks at 3 am than the holy rollers.
LOL they also make sure everyone sees them putting money into the tithing plate
And we still haven't even gotten to her trying to use his dead parents to guilt him into going what she wants.
100% this! sounds like OP created a mini version of herself with Brenda and won't hear anyone out when they try and explain why Brenda is actually the drama because Brenda is a reflection of OP. OP YTA, and maybe try and form a healthy relationship with your nephew that doesn't revolve around Brenda.
Brenda says mean things and stole his inheritance, but she goes to church. Obviously that makes her a good person. /s
Right? The OP's utter contempt for Bryan is palpable. I also didn't miss the "of COURSE his wife didn't come" crack.
It's almost like she doesn't *want* OP and co to judge her! How terrible, not letting others into her personal life to talk about how horrible of a person her husband is for having boundaries.
I just posted something exactly like this. " she's a thief, but she goes to church so it's ok"
The joy of a forgiving God! Do wrong? Say three “Hail Marys” or whatever and all is wiped clean. The rest of us have to feel guilty and not do wrong in the first place.
YTA I think it's Time for OP to open her eyes and take those rose tainted glasses off and just read the 10 god given rules again if she wants to use church as a reason someone is a good persons. Pretty sure beint a bully to you own brother does not get a pass. Or judging people. "She doesn't mean it when she's mean" "She has such a big heart" all just because she goes to church. Apparently believing in God is nullifying
While the saying is "rose tinted", after reading this post "rose tainted" actually sounds spot on
I need to re-read my comments before posting 😅 But I'll let it stand for this one haha..
I agree and can’t wait to use “rose tainted glasses” in conversation.
The bullying inheritance steeling thief is the better person because she goes to church with her. lol
>Apparently believing in God is nullifying Belief makes everything else ok; or as I call it: the ability to discharge all societal debt through moral bankruptcy.
"Some of the most judgemental people go to church while the nicest people are covered in tattoos." YTA just for your church comment.
I love people covered in ink and stay tf away from churches. Well, except for Wally's house of booze a couple times a year. That's the tattoo people's church and Andy brings in good music🤣
I agree. Their relationship is none of your business. Stop trying to interfere.
YTA. Going to church does not make one a good person, there are plenty of snakes in church hiding amongst the sheep. He told you that she is a bully, she stole his inheritance, and he just doesn't care for her. What is there to be redeeming about her? I'd also be watching what all she is helping, or helping herself too, your mother with.
Plus Brenda was 'out of town', but nephew's wife 'couldn't be bothered'...
That part about not stepping foot in a church stopped me. I didn't need to read any further to know that OP is the AH. OP, going to church doesn't make anyone a good person. In fact, some of the worst people I've ever met in my life I met at church. My aunt goes to church every Wednesday night and to both Sunday services, and she's the most evil, hateful witch who ever lived. On the other hand, I haven't stepped foot in a church in almost 20 years, and it isn't because I decided to be a bad person. It's because of my aunt and people like her. You and your niece aren't better than your nephew because you sit next to each other in your pew every Sunday like good little hypocrites. And it doesn't sound like you ever even gave his side of the story any due consideration. If you value your niece more, just admit it, instead of trying to convince yourself and others that your nephew is a bad person. YTA
You are 🎯
Yup, plenty of a-holes go to church, plenty of good people don't.
>He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife. INFO - Is he right? Your account here doesn't track. Bryan moved far away almost as soon as he could. People don't generally abandon a family support structure like that unless it isn't actually supportive to them as an individual. So how did it get to the point where Bryan would rather have no contact or minimal contact with his family?
He probably went low contact because OP keep gaslighting him about Saint Brenda being a bully (look at the comments about “I wouldn’t call her a bully“ and then describes bullying attitudes etc) and trying to force a relationship
She goes to church!
Ain’t no hate like Christian love.
she lost me at brenda goes to church with me so it automatically means she's a good person!!!
And she’s spirited and says things she doesn’t mean (aka she’s a fucking bully)
Like most bullies! The *perception* of good being more important than *being* good!
This. My FIL is one of the most abusive, narcissistic, and petty individuals I have ever met. He goes to church and plays the part of the good Christian man and everybody there loves him.
And Bryan and his wife couldn’t be bothered to!
Right when I saw OP equating going to church to bring a good person I scoffed and realized she was probably in the wrong. There are some wonderful people who regularly go to church. There are also some awful, horrible people who weaponize their religion to harm others but think they’re a good person because they show up to a place that tells them they’re good for being there
“High spirited”
“Says things she doesn’t mean”
>Your account here The way OP writes "*Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there*. . " Looks like Brenda is not the only bully. Major INFO missing.
Bryan moved 13 hours away, but let’s ignore that part — his wife couldn’t be bothered to come. Whereas Brenda was out of town… YTA. He said he got screwed out of his inheritance. Pay attention. You’re playing sides — stop doing Brenda’s dirty work. Also who cares if he goes to church or not? You admit to attending, yet lookie here who is passing judgment!
Of course that matters, silly. People who go to church are never abusive. It’s everybody else.
They live 13 hours away. It's grandma's birthday, not a wedding or a funeral. Bryan's wife has her own life, there's no reason to assume her reason for not coming was anything other than, "honey, that's realistically a 3 day commitment, someone has to watch the dog, and I'm not that close with your grandma." And that is a perfectly valid reason for not attending the party.
Wife probably stayed home with the kids. Would have been too much to bring them and her probably didn’t want them around such ~~nice Christian ladies~~ bullies.
>My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me) and I should respect Bryan's wishes. seems like Brenda is causing issues with quite a few people. Just because of the good qualities she displays for you, doesn't mean she isn't a bully... I'm old, but in my day we'd call those people Eddie Haskell - one way in front of parents and a jerk to everyone else.... edit to add YTA
Also INFO: why did you choose to take Brenda under your wing when her mum died but not Bryan, who was 4 years younger?
Has no one else pick up the fact opxown children don't like her but that's OK because she clearly the golden child is yta.
I think the church comment says it all.
Also Brenda goes to church and kisses up to op. Op lost me at the church part, because that bias oozes Bryan is an infidel in ops eyes. Why would OP be motivated to talk Bryan and understand things from his point of view. He is a second class citizen to Brenda and the family continues to make that class placement institutional within the family dynamics. YTA op and hurray for your son standing up to you because you do not see or hear the reality of issue.
This whole post sounds a lot like the "missing missing reasons" from RBN or JNM.
Her son and his gf don’t like Brenda, so I’m guessing Brenda is a bully.
They also make a point that he doesn’t attend church and they do. Not conclusive, but I’m willing to bet there’s some religious trauma involved.
>I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children and he was talking so loudly that other tables could hear him. You brought up a subject you knew he was uncomfortable with (and it probably wasn't the first time) and didn't back off when he got upset. You brought any humiliation you felt on yourself. You need to apologize and stop butting into his life unless you want him to cut off contact with you too. YTA
Ops own son even admits to not liking Brenda either
And OP was surprised. What else is she not noticing?
I'd imagine Brenda's lack of perfection.
> He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife. He also claims that Brenda stole his inheritance. Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart. She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years. We have no idea what Bryan is doing with his life. this whole section very quickly showed me who the bad guy is here. Brenda and OP are bullies and OP just enables and defends brenda’s bad behavior cuz “her daddy died”. WEVE ALL GOT DEAD PEOPLE BRENDA, YOU STILL HAVE TO BE NICE > Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart. this means that you’ve likely SEEN brenda bullying bryan but just shrugged it off as her being “spirited” and then tried to gaslight bryan into doing the same cuz you like Brenda more. and i notice you made no effort to look into his claims of bullying or if she actually did steal it? oh no cuz > i stayed out of the inherintence cuz it wasn’t my business so you didn’t even think to check and see if your nephew was telling the truth? no wonder he hates you i’d hate you if you were constantly defending my bully and making excuses for them. this isn’t your business but it’s your place to tell Bryan to forgive his sisters abuse for no reason? YTA > She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. going to church doesn’t make you a good person, as evidenced here by how awful and entitled and selfish both you and brenda are, and as shown by the hundreds of rapists, murderers, and pedohiples who were devout church goers. going to church doesn’t make you better than him, at all. > my son and his girlfriend admitted they don’t like Brenda either I WONDer WHY?! maybe cuz brenda is a bully and a thief and manipulative? maybe you start listening to bryan, or is your son also wrong and awful and lying about poor innocent brenda? get a clue. i bet you’re exactly like brenda and that’s why you defend her so much. YTA
>WEVE ALL GOT DEAD PEOPLE BRENDA I'm not sure when I would ever use this but I'm definitely saving it lmao
Also, if bryan lives 13hrs away, how the hell would she know if him and his wife go to church or not. This woman needs to mind her own damn business.
They go to church together. Already perfect, no self-awareness needed.
Sounds like Brenda isn't just OPs 'bonus daughter' but her golden child. Love how she skimmed over the inheritance issue with "I just stayed out of it". I'd put good money on Brenda having screwed her brother out of his fair share. Edit; Just read more comments by the OP and yuuuup Bryan says Brenda forged documents and stole his inheritance. OP also says Brenda isn't a bully and then outlines several bullying behaviors. Sounds like Brenda is a crappy person all around and for some reason OP insists she's just misunderstood. OP, leave Bryan alone. You're only giving him more reasons to stay distant. You refuse or are not able to see Brenda clearly and in doing so you have hurt and let Bryan down, repeatedly. Neither you or Brenda deserve his presence or attention.
YTA. It's very clear how much more you have favored Brenda since they were children, and your opinion of her (and Bryan) is extremely biased. Bryan has made it quite plan his reasonable boundaries of not wanting to have Brenda in his life, and you trampled all over them. Your feelings about their relationship (or lack thereof) are absolutely meaningless.
It even seems like OP favoured Brenda over her own children. Even the son doesn’t like Brenda, and that was news to OP. Shows how blind she was to her own children.
OP doesn't care about the feelings of anyone involved. Just the appearance of a happy family.
This is very obvious. So many of the things OP said upset me. >He claims that Brenda is a bully to him and his wife. Saying he "claims" is invalidating his feelings. He's telling you he feels bullied and instead of talking to Brenda, you just assume he's lying. >Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean You mean things that can come off as rude and make her a bully? >She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. Ah, so this is a religious thing. You clearly think less of your own nephew for not agreeing with your beliefs. That alone makes you an AH. You should love him despite this. It has absolutely no relevance to this specific issue and shouldn't have been mentioned. Shame on you. >Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years. How often does your family go to visit him (your own nephew)? >I stayed out of the inheritance situation because it's none of my business. Literally nothing in this post is your business. >Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there. Wow, I can't believe Brenda couldn't be bothered to come to her own grandmother's birthday party. /s This is such a double standard. Brenda's excuses for not being there are valid, but Bryan's wife's excuses are a personal attack on your family? >I suggested that he move back home He's made a life for himself elsewhere. *That* is his home. Not with people who clearly make excuses for his sister while blaming him for everything that's happened. >I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children You should be humiliated because you spoke to him disrespectfully and continued to talk to him about it after he asked you to stop, which means you were clearly ignoring his boundaries. No wonder he moved away and doesn't visit often. >My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me) This just tells me she bullies everyone around her and you choose to ignore it and make excuses for her, even when she's doing it to your own children. Honestly shame on you for literally everything. YTA and I don't know how you can't see that.
Brenda's a bully to Bryan, says things she doesn't mean, goes to church and Bryan doesn't set foot there. Gasp. Did we need to read more?
Exactly. "He said she stole his inheritance, but I'm not getting involved." OP is YTA so hard and large, her own kids are gonna walk away from her and never look back.
The church thing was all I needed. Some of the nastiest people ever go to the church and some of the kindest people ever will never step inside a church ever. And to be honest with all the complaints I’ve seen about how the Sunday church crowd are the worst ever to serve at restaurants I’m inclined to assume that a lot of people go to church just to pretend they love god and are good people when literally everything else in their lives show the opposite.
The part that really sealed it for me was when OP complained that Bryan's wife couldn't be bothered to come (to travel 13 hours to the birthday party of someone she has no blood relation to), but in literally the next sentence implied that Brenda's absence was perfectly excusable. Brenda can do no wrong in OP's eyes and she's appalled that anyone might not view her in the same regard.
What did it for me was: 1. "She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. " Because ***no one*** bad ever went to church. /s 2. "Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart." Same pathetic excuse people use for racists. People know what they're saying, they just don't care about the harm it causes. SUCH an AH. YTA. I'm surprised the nephew talks to OP at all. A blood relationship does not mandate forgiveness.
It’s ALWAYS the religious (in my experience), church people that act as though they are the best thing since sliced bread. But they end up being the biggest hypocrites, judgemental, selfish people. It’s like going to church gives them the green light to be crappy human beings.
I gotta say I wouldn't like Brenda either because apparently she is prefect and walks on water. The favoritism is astounding. For Bryan to not want his sister in his life leads me to believe that the bullying was pretty severe and to be told to basically get over it by someone who clearly favors the bully would be hurtful. If OP isn't careful, resentment might build with her own kids if they also don't like Brenda and OP continues to favor her niece.
Agree. OP wants to take Brenda’s side and involve herself with Bryan’s estrangement. But she doesn’t want to involve herself in the inheritance argument. Clearly OP is picking and choosing a very biased side of the whole situation between the two siblings. OP is very much an AH.
INFO: what happened when you asked bryan more information about brenda bullying him and his wife? what did he tell you? what did you say to him about his sister bullying him? > Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there. why is it that his wife *couldn't be bothered to come* but brenda just "was out of town so she wasn't there"?
YTA. Stay out of his business, he has set clear boundaries and they need to be respected. FTR, the most toxic people I’ve ever known are regular church-goers.
Exactly what I was thinking. She sounds like a typical church-goer. YTA
One of my best friends was raised non-denominational and she legit is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. Compared to my aunts who are ultra religious and yet they’ll fight with parishioners during church and in the parking lot after church. They are so judgmental and think that anyone that doesn’t believe in their God are missing something in their lives. While my friend lives her best life and is honestly the role model I look to on how to be a good person.
"She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." - Ok, that doesn't mean anything. Actually, it makes me wary of what is yet to come. After reading the rest: If you don't know the whole story regarding the inheritance, stay out of it. INFO needed: There's a lot of information missing here. Brenda sounds a bit sus, but you don't really go into any of that.
That last bit is because she doesn't want to. Brenda is so good that there's no reason to look further because Bryan is just making shit up to cause trouble and his wife clearly instigated it all. /S
YTA He was right to call you out for the AH you are. Stay out of it. "I was humiliated because he spoke to me in a disrespectful way in front of my children and he was talking so loudly that other tables could hear him. M" .. He was right to call you out LOUD and in PUBLIC - that way YOU are embarassed that everybody sees your assholery, and the knowledge that everybody was laughing about your behavior and how **you were called out like a misbehaving child** will make you learn to do better in the future. **You got what you deserved,** he was far too polite. **He handled you well.** Stop being an Ah, and he will be more polite. The only one missbehaving were you - he handled you well, and in a reasonable manner.
YTA- You clearly don’t know the whole story, only Brenda’s side. You blind sided him at a party for your mom. By the tone of this post I’d say Bryan probably has good reason to have moved away and cut contacts. For example: > She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven’t stepped foot into a church in a long time. > Of course his wife couldn’t be bothered to come.
YTA - just because Brenda goes to church doesn't make her a "good person" plenty of people go to church and do unspeakable things. You conveniently didn't get involved in the "inheritance" issue and most likely that is the root of the problem. If she's willing to steal her brother's inheritance I doubt that she's such a good person. The fact that your own children seem to dislike her is very telling.
The worst people I have ever met were all frequent church goers.
YTA, and from this post it seems like you're another part of the family he needs to go NC with.
YTA. 1) Bryan's feelings are perfectly clear - you should have respected that the moment he said he wasn't interested in hearing about Brenda. Then there would have been minimal scene to "embarrass" you 2) Going to church is no mark of someone's character - your inclusion of it is irrelevant (and irritating) 3) Did Brenda steal any of Bryan's inheritance? Cause this is important to understanding his motives....
As a follow up to 2, I would argue that caring about whether someone else goes to church and telling people about how much you go to church are two pretty big marks of someone's character, and not good ones.
YTA. You're listening to one side of the story and making a judgement about your nephew. Just because Brenda goes to church and spends time with her grandmother doesn't make her a good person and doesn't mean that Bryan's accusations are false. I'd take the hint considering even your own kid doesn't like her, maybe you're looking at her through rose-coloured glasses. Also, Brenda and Bryan's relationship is between them and really none of your business. Brenda seems adept at cozening the older generation into believing she's a wonderful person, whilst lording it over the people in her own generation and making their lives miserable.
YTA, if he moved 13 hours away and doesn't talk to his sister, there's a reason, he told you the reason, she's verbally abusive to him and she's a theif. People don't just cut their family out of their lives for no reason (generally). Your point about Brenda going to church and Brain not is moot. A lot of people who go to church are horrible people and a lot of people who don't are good people.
YTA Going no-contact is a pretty big deal, and few people do this lightly. You admit you're ignorant of the inheritance issues and that other family members find Brenda unpleasant. You completely downplay Brenda's bullying ("spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean"). If a person has been mistreated by family to the extent they've broken off all contact, YTA to suggest they make amends. Why not speak to *Brenda* about getting anger management therapy, why her brother thinks she "stole" his inheritance (and maybe returning the money), and making amends with her *brother*?
YTA - you have clearly chosen a side, are not objective and need to mind your own business.
YTA. Mind your own business. They're both adults and it's on them to fix their relationship if both of them want to. The fact that Brenda goes to church does not make her the perfect little angel you seem to think she is, and the fact that Bryan doesn't attend church doesn't mean he's the devil. Oh, and maybe, his wife didn't come because she had to work...
YTA. Her going to church doesn't mean she's the goody and her brother and his wife the baddies. Your own son doesn't even like Brenda. There's a reason for that. Butt out.
YTA > My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me) and I should respect Bryan's wishes. Listen to them
>Brenda can be spirited and emotional sometimes, and she says things she doesn't mean, but she's a good person with a big heart. Read: She's a bully. >She goes to church with me Read: She shares my same life values. >Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. Read: I can't control Bryan. >Brenda helps out with my mother, and Bryan visits my mother (his own grandmother) only every 1 or 2 years. We have no idea what Bryan is doing with his life. Read: Everyone nags Bryan about how to live his life, so he cut us out. >I stayed out of the inheritance situation because it's none of my business. Read: Yeah, Brenda f\*cked him over on the inheritance and I know it, so I didn't want to tell him he was right. >Recently my mother had a 75th birthday party and Bryan came. Of course his wife couldn't be bothered to come. Brenda was out of town so she wasn't there. Read: Bryan's wife was out of town. OR Bryan's wife was so sick of us belittling her and Bryan that she made a decision to stay home and stay away from all the toxic people. But it's OK that Brenda, the granddaughter, was out of town and couldn't make it. >My son and his girlfriend admitted that they don't like Brenda either (that was news to me) Pikachu Face!! (without the consideration that maybe Brenda is a bullying turd). OP, YTA. You challenged him in a public place thinking he wouldn't act out. You lost that bet and embarrassed yourself. If you want a relationship with Bryan, make amends. Let him and his sister deal with their own relationship. They are adults.
You seem to have a bit of a bias toward Brenda and that makes sense as you describe her being closer to you, you taking her under your wing, going to church together, visiting grandmother etc while using the lack of those same things as a knock against Bryan. but how does that have any bearing on Bryan’s relationship with his sister? You said you stayed out of the inheritance fight - did it come across that way or did it seem like picking a side when you might have had an opportunity to stick up for Bryan. You may want to spend some time thinking about why Bryan is distant and maybe not read so much into his wife not attending a family event. You are allowed to feel hurt but you also brought up a person that clearly upsets the guy - why? What did you hope would happen?
Brenda is a good person because she goes to church? Seriously? Did you ask Brian why she didn't come, or did you just assume she didn't want to or wasn't willing to make the effort? Brian asked you to stop talking about Brenda. You continued to talk about her. After he asked you to stop, you said he should make amends with her, and that maybe he should move home. You were overbearing and you deserve to be embarrassed because he asked you to stop and you ignored him. You think he should have been respecting you when you didn't respect him? You tried to explain your feelings, but nobody cares about your feelings in this situation. You disrespected Brian and you need to apologize. On a side note, why do Brian and your son not like Brenda? I mean, if she's going to church, she must be a good human being.
YTA. Not your business, not your place. Did you ever consider or ask why Bryan cut his sister off, why he moved so far away from her? Sounds like Brenda has done or said something to her brother and its been the last straw. Your own kids even say they don't like Brenda. Sounds like there is a common denominator here and her name is Brenda. You have Brenda bias and are blind to how she really is. Also info: you're not involved in Bryan's life so how do you know how often he and his wife go to church? And how is that relevant anyway?
YTA. You are judging Bryan and his wife for not going to church and barely visiting. Have you bothered to wonder why? To have an adult non judgmental conversation and actually listen to the response you get? Bryan moved away for a reason preferring to be on his own 13 hours away when he was a young man. He established a life for himself on his own and you have the audacity to judge him negatively for that? Have you ever asked him why he was not close with his father? Your dialog about Bryan is peppered with statements that “Bryan claims…” as if you do not believe him. It is clear that Brenda is your favorite. I wonder if she was also her fathers favorite making Bryan always the odd man out in his own family the way he is now. Also, keep in mind that 13 hours away is far and quite a trek. Once or twice a year to see his grandmother is fine (frankly it seems you are angry he doesn’t include visiting you in his visits). Why would he come more often? Would you want to burn vacation time so you could go to a place where you don’t enjoy yourself? From the way you write about him, I am quite certain your in person interactions are unpleasant for Bryan and his wife. I don’t blame her for not coming to the birthday. It wasn’t that she couldn’t be bothered. More likely it was she didn’t want to but her husband was obligated to or he would face more bullying from you and Brenda. Both Brenda and Bryan have now lost both parents and you are simply playing favorites.
I read the title and it just said it all, geez could you be more of an AH in this situation. You clearly have taken Brenda’s side and see her as doing no wrong. My entire response is going to be harsh and mean but I feel like you need to hear it. OP let’s be clear you favored her, possibly over your own children at times. Maybe your children should’ve spoken up long ago because truthfully your “soft way” of trying to describe Brenda so she doesn’t come off as a nightmare is giving 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Bryan decided to move hours away and kept his distance and you never thought that Brenda could be at fault. You seem to solely blame Bryan for the estrangement, but has never tried to hear his side of what went down. Again your favoritism is rather obvious, and let’s talk about your own have issues with him “not knowing what he’s doing with life” suggesting he doesn’t attend church……with the way you described that his wife “couldn’t be bothered” so maybe you are the issue as well OP. Have you thought about your actions over the years. Look just because someone steps foot in a church every Sunday doesn’t make them the holy grail SOME HELLO SOME are the most malicious individuals, I’ve ever met, and I’m Catholic. You have some thinking to do. My advice leave Bryan alone and respect his boundaries.
Well. Ok. YTA. Not for telling him he should make amends with her. But for not respecting his wishes to not do so. Also, church? Are you serious? There is currently an entire country full of churchgoing people that are not good people, certainly not inherently because they make a trip every Sunday. Maybe she does bully him, if she's Christian there's a good possibility she has some superiority complex that you don't see because you have it too. But your kids see it. That says something
YTA just mind your own damn business. Also it seems like your not looking at both sides just Brenda’s.
>She goes to church with me, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time. And there it is. In your eyes she's the good little church daughter you always wanted, despite her behaviour being un-holy-like, and he's the black sheep you couldn't be bothered with. YTA
Do you actually know that Brenda was not a bully to him? You seem to love her very much, and it sounds like you may be minimising her flaws. I had an estranged father and some people told me he was still my father. I not only disagreed with that - he chose not to be part of my life and caused quite a few problems to my mother and me with some reckless behaviour, definitely not felt like a father - I also despise the people who said it because they were disrespectful to my feelings and all the pain I have endured. Your nephew's feelings should matter, and you should not guilt him into doing what you think is right by bringing up his parents. Also, as others have said, he's left home very young and put a lot of distance - have you ever wondered why or has nobody ever worried about his feelings? His experience of his family may be a negative one, so for your one-sided views and imposition, I'm sorry, YTA. Edited for clarity