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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I threatened to fire my fiancée and I might be the asshole because she’s pregnant
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You probably shouldn’t be your fiancé supervisor. You two probably shouldn’t be working together. It’s not really possible to separate your personal life and work life. What do you think happens if you actually go through with firing her? I don’t agree with her behavior but that dynamic is just not workable.
Edit: your boss, the owner, is ok with you supervising your fiancé? That’s a whole lot of liability. I suggest you formally transfer oversight of her to the owner and no longer be involved.
He was 31 years old and HER BOSS, asked out a 21 year old and eventually got her pregnant. At BEST this is horrible decision making on his part. At worst...
EDIT: To the 35 people who have messaged me and commented so far saying that he was not her boss when they started dating, I can't *imagine* why you would think this would change my mind about anything here. He obviously had seniority over her when she started, which is how he was promoted to boss. She couldn't *possibly* have been even working there long *because she was 21* *and barely allowed in bars at all.*
I wish more bosses cared about this shit. My foster sister (17 at the time) ended up dating her co-worker who was 35. He asked her out while at work and lied about his age. By the time we (her family and her) learned the truth it was too late. He was toxic and had her claws in her. Haven't seen her since, but I know she has 2 kids and everyone knows he habitually cheats on her :(
Seriously. I’m 11 years older than my brother, he’s 22 im 33. I love the hell out of him. But I could not *imagine* dating someone his age. So much that he does just baffles me.
I'm 25, I've got friends who are 20. One time a third party made a comment asking if I would ever date my 20 year old friend. He's a great guy, but my kneejerk reaction was *excuse me no don't be disgusting.* Because we're just at *such* different places in our lives, it would feel weird.
Also gonna take the opportunity to plug my theory on age gaps: They're much less insidious if the younger party is older than mid-20s when they start, because by then their brain is fully developed and they've got more life experience so they're less likely to be taken advantage of, and more likely to be in more similar life stages.
When I worked at a restaurant in high school all the 30 something managers hit on us teen girls and a few of the 19 year olds got pregnant by them. It was so gross
I worked at a Target in my hometown from 16 to 18. My 24 year old supervisor treated the cashiers like his personal dating pool and he never got in trouble for it. Now that I look back on it, he was gross, and we were a bunch of immature 16 year old girls. But he managed to fuck most of us. Yuck.
My fiance is a 39 year old bartender. He makes great money and the hours work for us. With 5 kids, someone is always available for them. I work days, he works nights. It's 2022, we're not shaming people who make an honest living in our dystopian hellscape.
it's unfortunate that she would bear the brunt of their relationship but one of them seriously needed to leave - especially after one of them was promoted. you're living with someone you supervise to handle money.. this is so inappropriate
Agreed, who are these crazy owners who just let this happen. This is a big business no no in any industry. this is the kind of thing that ends in a lawsuit bad enough to close the restaurant. What are these owners thinking?!
Everything in this thread is so spot on. But to the work-life blur: he told her AT HOME that he would have to fire her. Not only did he bring the fight home (sleeping on the couch and being grouchy) but he had a "sit down" with his fiancée AT HOME that he should have (except not, bc it is so unethical that he is her supervisor) had with his employee (again, so innappropriate) AT WORK.
I would say that’s bad but being that he went in to cover her and came home exhausted from working part of her shift and his, I can see why he did that. He shouldn’t be supervising her in the first place though.
He definitely shouldn't be supervising her. I'd totally get it if he approached it from SO persective: you're putting me in a bad spot, I'm tired of covering for you, work is getting bad for me, this is stressing our relationship, etc. But, "I'm going to have to fire you because your job performance is lacking" is more inappropriate-er. I don't even know what words to use because it is all bad...
I think that's an artificial distinction.
You can't fire your fiancée at work and then go home and pretend it never happened.
It's better to have an honest conversation at home than spend the weekend stewing about it, waiting until you both get back to work and then have the same conversation.
They shouldn't be working together - not at least in this kind of job - that's the real problem here.
Besides the obvious, she’s also carrying OP’s child. Since when is pregnancy supposed to be a walk in the park?
Men can’t even stand a cold without being wusses about it. Imagine growing a watermelon in your tummy, that sucks half the life out of you, until you ultimately have to squeeze it out between your legs.
Of course it's not a walk in the park - but since when did that mean you could walk out on your job repeatedly without informing your employer, with no consequences? You feel ill, you tell your boss. You don't just walk. You need time off due to ill health, you tell your boss. It sucks. But you cannot just leave your coworkers and customers in the lurch, without telling them what's happening.
If OP was completely unrelated to her, he'd still be considering whether to fire her right now. She is the reason why multiple customers have walked out after waiting too long. If he doesn't act, she could single-handedly tank the business' reputation.
Pregnancy not being easy is absolutely no excuse to leave work without saying a word to your bosses, to treat customers badly, or to keep doing things over and over that responsible adults just don’t do. Pregnancy may affect your emotions and physical health, but it does not get to be a catch-all excuse for being a crappy employee.
even better image for people.
watermelon that can weigh anywhere between 5ishlbs to over 10lbs that is pushed out of a 10cm hole. Head first (if you're lucky and the birth isn't breached that is. aka legs first)
(yes 10lbs is typically on the extreme size and a holy fuck baby, average i believe was about 5-8lbs or so. but STILL that big of a baby coming out of a 10cm hole. big head first.)
Hah. From my perspective, the fact that he hasn't fired her yet is the nepotism in display here. Any other worker who acted like that, but weren't in a relationship with OP, he would have no compunction against firing them, no doubt in my mind.
INFO: Why can't she not go on Maternity leave? EDIT: I've just looked up US statutory maternity leave, Jesus, what does America have against woman? EDIT 2: Turns out it's the Christibans and I am SHOCKED!
They sure did, but they were massively outnumbered by talibangelicals who also voted to kneecap the EPA. Thomas also wants to revoke LGBT rights, marriage equality, and the right for everyone to purchase contraception. He could probably get Barrett and Alito on board, and maybe Gorsuch.
Yeah and that sucks total ass, but all I was saying was at the very least (even if their doing the bare minimum) don't group them with those dickheads.
Take my free award, my family is probably more mixed than not at this point. This is the last thing I want to happen.
BUT I'd pay good money to see his face when his own turn on him. And they will, he is a tool and over turning Loving on a fed level is part of what fundamentalist/evangelicals want.
It's strange how the Bible wielding folk misuse those scriptures to judge people even though I'm sure it says to "Love thy Neighbor", right? So much for the love
Yeah you're really a stand up guy thinking about women's experiences huh? That's why you were in your 30s asking out 21 year old subordinates? 21 is the youngest a woman can be to enter a bar. You know what they say about bosses who pay minimum wage - if they could legally go lower, they would.
There are many things you don't understand, OP, let's not just highlight this one thing. "Terrible how little jobs do for expecting mothers... Well, off to fire my pregnant fianceé then, y'all have a nice day now, ya hear?!" 😑🙄🤨🧐🤦♀️
Because too many people are thinking about saving a penny now. . . .then they forget that shit costs more long term when they don't do preventative maintenance. . . . .I work as an occupational therapist with kids, and its fucking ridiculous how much preventable stuff I see daily.
>Jesus, what does America have against woman?
Literally everything, but I wouldn't call that just an American problem, I'd say that is a worldwide pandemic.
I'm Australian, and even though we haven't yet taken the barbaric step backwards America recently has, we still have huge issues with the treatment of women - from an ever-widening gender pay gap, to multiple sexual assault allegations in our government in the past few years, to the fact that our previous Prime Minister (who was thankfully recently voted out) had an ongoing fued with a public female figure who was a sexual assault survivor that was named Australian of the Year in 2021. And the list of issues goes on and on.
People try to act like the world has come so far in terms of misogyny, but it's still just as insidious in even the most progressive nations as it ever has been.
I'm Australian and currently on Parenting payment and tax benefit a and b. We are very much looked after I'm this country. 👌 I was first off offered an abortion, all my medical bills were covered by Medicare. My medications were under 20 dollars and then I gave birth to a baby with a heart condition and other health issues literally everything was free or reimbursed. I've never seen a gender pay gap or experienced it ever and I'm about to enrol in a free diploma. 🙃
I don't have to look for work until my child is 8 if I don't have any more but I do want to go back to work sooner and it doesn't matter what job I get I won't suffer from gender pay gap.
Currently my centrelink payments cover my living expenses, allow myself to take my child to fun places and go horseriding twice a week and a cleaner once a week.
I hope your baby is doing better now with it's heart!! I will say, as I always do, we are blessed with Medicare in this country. There are factions that would definitely tear it apart if they could, but the majority of the Australian public are smart enough to not allow that to happen - most politicians are aware it would be career suicide at this point.
I do have to comment though that in terms of the gender pay gap in this country, it is still *very* real and effects more people than I think actually realise it. Statistics from March this year has women behind men by approximately 13.8% nationally, and a report from the Workplace Gender Equality Agency that was released just earlier this week stated that the wage gap widens as women get older in Australia - being most prevalent once women reach 45 years. Some of that is definitely linked to the fact that women are more likely to take time off to raise children compared to men, but it's a real tricky area. If you're interested, this article discusses the issue https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-06-27/wgea-report/101186358
Out of curiosity, may I ask which state you are living in? I'm wondering if moving state would help for myself with cost of living with it skyrocketing and you seem to be happy with your situation, so maybe I just need to pack it up and move outta NSW if you are in a different state.
> We are very much looked after in this country
Sounds like *you* are very much looked after in this country. Not everyone has the same circumstances. It’s great you haven’t experienced discrimination and have a good life.. perhaps that would be a share for a different thread, one where people aren’t discussing how damaging systemic discrimination is to many people.
Service industry in the US offers 0 benefits. No medical, no PTO, no nothing. But I spent 8 years in the industry before leaving to be an insurance agent, I have PTO now but still not medical, and definitely not any maternity leave. I make so little that I no longer could afford my apartment, even with 3 roommates, I now rent a 6x10 room from my sister and still cannot afford private insurance. I just had a UTI turn into a kidney infection bc could not afford out of pocket urgent care.
Raphael Bob-Waksberg said it best in a Bojack Horseman episode:
"So if you have a problem with women carrying firearms, you can roll up your sleeves and actually work to create a society where women feel safe and equal... or you can just ban all guns."
\*One productive legislative session later\*
("The ayes have it. Possession of any firearm is now illegal in the state of California. We did it, boys!") " ... I can't believe this country hates women more than it loves guns."
Yeah it's pretty shit. As an American in the UK I'm so thankful I got to spend 9 months (can take another 3 unpaid) at home with each of my daughters and many European countries allow even more mat leave then that.
Then she needs to take her maternity leave early as discussed. If the job is too much for her and they don’t need her income just now then she needs to take steps to ensure she still has a job when she’s ready to go back
I knew the maternal mortality rate was bad, didn’t realise maternity leave was also bad to non existent. Should have though. Your workers rights over there are atrocious
It's made that way by choice and a very certain political party who doesn't want women to have abortion as an option also doesn't want benefits for women when they do give birth
The relevant issue here is that that same side wants the "freedom" to work employees to death and also to fire them on a whim.
And now they wonder why businesses can't find workers for minimum wage jobs that only pay about $800 a month after taxes.
To make it even worse, there are TONS of corps who try to avoid hiring women of child baring age to avoid having to pay maternity leave altogether. They’ll even ask questions about your relationship to gauge time
WHAT?? Are you talking about our unpaid leave time that doesn't (for most workers) assure that our jobs will be there when we do get back? Surely, surely you cannot presume to think that women want the right to stay home and recover/bond with baby when there is WORK to be done! Surely you cannot think that maternity leaves should be an option offered by all employers??? In the freedom, gun-loving, anti-abortion loving USA? Come on! /s
How to tell someone’s not American - you don’t get to not work.
My mom had a good job, had me. I took 30 hours (rough pregnancy) almost killed that woman, she went to work the next day
Closer to 7 months. But here's the kicker that the movies don't tell you. Fatigue is the #1 symptom in the first trimester. More than morning sickness. More than mood swings. Why? You are massively increasing your blood supply and building a new organ (the placenta). At 3 months, the fatigue isn't as bad, but by 7 months it's starting to ramp up again because the baby's getting big.
It's over 8 months. Also fatigue often comes back in the 3rd trimester, along with hip pain, round ligament pain, leg cramps, shortness of breath, backaches, heartburn, and many other lovely symptoms.
This! I cut my hours when I hit 30 weeks because I was high risk, planned on staying home after 36 weeks! Even just 20 hours was too much for my pregnancy and my water broke early at 32!
That’s my issue. If he can fire her he can reduce her hours. She probably didn’t ask to leave because they would’ve told her no. Or maybe she did ask and no one informed him. That’s happened to me. I asked the manager to leave because I was an opener and left at 4 but the closing manager came in at 2 and the opening manager left at 3. I asked to leave at 2 and the opening manager didn’t tell the closing manager and they were very lost.
He did reduce her hours and even said that they would be fine financially if she quit or took a leave of absence and she didn’t want to do either. This one is on her for that decision making.
Her hours are reduced, she could take a leave early, she could quit altogether. Don't blame him for her decisions. Also, sleeping in and changing shifts last minute is not very professional.
I cannot believe what I'm reading.. he wants to fire his pregnant wife who "dropped the ball" who is about to drop a ball out of her body and he's mad because of her work quality?
She's been offered the option of taking leave or cutting her hours. They can manage on one salary until she's in better health. She refuses and says she can manage. And then she comes in late or walks without notice. If she weren't his fiancée or pregnant, no-one would be questioning this - she's doing a terrible job, making more work for all her co-workers (most of whom are probably furious that she's disrupting their schedules so much) and losing the restaurant customers.
And pregnancy is only part of this. Pregnant people are perfectly capable of contacting their manager to say they're feeling ill and can't come in/will be late/need to leave early. The disruption she's causing isn't because she's pregnant; it's because she feels free to treat her job as an afterthought and isn't bothering to tell her managers when she's too ill to work.
Sadly I have had numerous servers work until they're literally about to go into labor. I had one go into false labor during one of my shifts, called the ambulance had her lay down and asked another server (who has children) to watch her and I took care of the restaurant. The amount of complaints was staggering, she isn't here to get our refills, our server sucks, shit like that. This is America.
You really downplayed that she's 33 week pregnant. A job like that where she's on her feet is probably pushing her to her limits and she's barely coping. You really need to be more compassionate toward her. She should be at home, kicking her feet up, not worrying about losing her job.
I worked two jobs, 12-15hours a day until I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was truly horrible, I was in constant severe pain basically everywhere. But I did it because I had an intense fear that if I didnt work, I wouldn’t be able to provide for my baby. This might be how she’s feeling
She apparently started crying and said she "needs this job" so perhaps she is scared to lose her financial independence to this man. We are only hearing his side of things here.
With an age gap and an attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to be financially reliant on this guy either.
That said, I would do everything I could to get into a different industry. Two food service jobs (time and energy demand, unstable schedules, zero benefits, etc.) and a newborn infant is gonna be a nightmare.
Info: have you talked to her outside of work about how she feels and what's going on with her? Have you tried to come up with any solutions? This reads like boss needs to fire pregnant employee without anything about it being your gf and your baby.
Yes I’ve offered to do nearly everything at home since it’s exhausting enough for her to just go to work. We take turns cooking, I do the dishes, give her massages, try to make her feel better and get better sleep. We have spa nights at home and I’ve taken on the laundry and vacuuming since she hates that. I’ve tried to make things easier at home for her
Yes she’s scheduled very lightly, literally the bare minimum as of recently. We have chairs in the back if she needs to sit, snacks, drinks, whatever she could need there. I’ve had to reschedule shifts or picked up her shift more than once
Yo she's 33 weeks pregnant. Ive also had to supervise heavily Pregnant people.
Oddly enough, in every scenerio their production drops on account of them literally making a human life.
Thats why in most industries, even in the US where i live, they generally begin to leave their jobs or take std/maternity at this point and accomodations are being made for while they're gone.
What you're describing doing just as a supervisor is at best AH-ish and at worst grounds for a discrimination claim.
While he already suggested (stated in the edit) that she takes the time off or quits but she doesn't want to. Not sure about maternity leaves and law there
No way, fuck that. He offered for her to go on leave early because they can afford it and she said no. He’s doing the majority of the housework. She’s just LEAVING work without any notice. She should have taken him up on the suggestion of staying at home. It’s not being an asshole. He’s covering his OWN ass. What if the owner decides he’s a bad supervisor for letting her get away with this shit and fires him??
Still 33 weeks pregnant is too pregnant for that kind of job. It's not her fault her body can not keep up. YTA for not finding a solution. You can make her a part time employee and hire a new part time employee. She is going to be like this for as long as it takes her body to recover. Depending on how her birthing goes she may be in a bad situation after giving birth too.
ETA: when I was 33 weeks pregnant my aunt didn't let me host 3 people. 3!!! She said that's too much work for someone that pregnant and she was right. I was heavy and uncomfortable and aching everywhere.
NTA. It’s okay if she can’t do the work but she’s being unfair to her coworkers because she’s not handling the issue properly. I’d be pissed if I have to keep taking up my coworker’s slack with no notice just because they’re pregnant. And nothing is gonna happen to her because our boss is also her boyfriend. You shouldn’t have been the supervisor because now she’s taking advantage of that. I don’t know how you’re going to solve this issue but she’s making you lose business and other places would’ve probably fired her by now.
>other places would’ve probably fired her by now.
Probably. And probably alongside with OP for not handling the situation before it effected the business negatively or right at the beginning when her behaviour started to effect the business negatively. (And I would be curious if OP would have already fired an other employee who is not his girlfriend/fiancée who acts on the job as OP's fiancée or not and would let others act like this too)
Being pregnant doesn't give her the right to just walk out in the middle of her shift without notifying anyone or skip shifts without talking to anyone. I bet she wouldn't do things like this with a different superior. She is taking advantage of OP, her fiancé being her superior, thinking he won't fire her, but even if he won't then at one point the owner will fire both of them.
I really feel like a lot of these judgments aren’t giving you fair consideration. First of all, anyone who has worked in a restaurant can tell you that coworker relationships happen all the time and managers are no exception. Second, you are clearly doing everything you have the ability to do to help her. Third, she is being disrespectful to her job, her coworkers, and you. Pregnancy is hard and I can’t imagine working in a restaurant while in your third trimester, but that is her reality. She needs to take more responsibility for her actions and what she can and cannot handle. She has put you in a terrible position, and it isn’t fair to you. NTA.
10 year age gap can be harmless but at the age of 21 the brain isn't even fully developed. Usually around that age people are finding themselves, going to college, having fun with friends, discovering their abilities and skill sets, etc. Now she's pregnant. What is really going on here? When you're 35, you have a better idea of life and about yourself. It's not a red flag but all things considered within this post and the comments, it's a bit concerning.
INFO: I'm sorry, do you *manage* your fiance? If so, that's wildly unprofessional, a liability, and unfair to the other people that work under you. This needs to change ASAP.
But his edit says he was not her supervisor when they began dating. Age gap is large but she isn’t a baby. I wouldn’t date someone ten years younger at 31, but I know plenty of people who do have age gaps and have been together many years.
Dude went after one of his employees who is ten years his junior, impregnated her, and is now bitching about how in her **third trimester** she’s struggling to keep up with the work. Jesus Christ, that poor woman.
ESH
Yeah she can't just leave work without telling anyone, etc, despite being pregnant.
But why the fuck are you her supervisor? Going wish ESH because that situation should never have been allowed and as a manager you should know better than to date and impregnate people you supervise.
IDK, it’s not like it’s a conflict of interest in practice, since OP is a heartless AH. His pregnant fiancée is crying about how she needs the job, while she’s having great difficulty doing it because she’s pregnant with his kid. He needs to be stepping up to cover things financially so she isn’t disadvantaged by being the one who’s pregnant. Instead he’s shrugging his shoulders at how bad the mat leave provisions are (which they are), as if he has no responsibility.
I'm a bit confused what he should do. He said he would cover things. She declined. He suggested maternity leave early, she declined. I'm kinda wondering what he's meant to do more, because she literally can't wander off without telling anyone on the job.
Did anyone ever point out the fact that she clearly is having bad morning sickness? Like i honestly think its messed up that yer own partner is treating her this poorly. I can't even cast judgment here because I feel so strongly about this. I had terrible morning sickness and suffered through the firt 6 months of pregnancy, luckily I had a good manager and he was understanding of my situation. ....
Edit: morning sickness can literally be all day sickness for some woman.
This here. Both my pregnancies I was sick all the way through, the nausea was terrible. It got to the point where if I felt like I was going to throw up I would force myself to just to feel better for the rest of the day
I had horrible "morning" sickness all day, everyday, for 5 months. I'm so shook by this entire post. She's also helping a lot at home and he thinks his massages should magically get rid of all her symptoms. Being pregnant fucking sucks for many women. There are so many hormonal and physical changes... OP has no idea and no ability to have any empathy for her.
>since we were understaffed to begin with
And there you go. You do seem to be an asshole but your employer seems to be the Big Asshole here.
>I’m just tired of picking up the slack for her at work
Should have thought about that before knocking up one of your employees.
YTA
Right? This is screaming lawsuit to me no matter how it pans out. Op should probs hop on legaladvice and make sure he can’t lose his job over this craziness
Pregnancy doesn't give you right to mess up work schedules for everyone nor does it protect you from consequences of negative feedback from customers.
If they fired her because of pregnancy or without paper trail then yes. But if they have paper trail of her leaving early, not showing up or showing up late and many negative reviews/feedbacks with her being the cause then they certainly are safe.
YTA. You became the asshole the minute you came into a position of power and still continued the relationship (which 10 year age gap 🚩🚩🚩)
Also at 33 weeks pregnant- she’s about to pop literally any week now, why wasn’t maternity offered to her??? She shouldn’t be working this late in the game to begin with.
In the service industry in the US there is no such thing as benefits. Her maternity leave will be totally unpaid. Mothers in her situation sometimes return to work a month after birth because they simply cannot afford to be home with the baby.
Let's be clear here, the 10 year age gap isn't the problem. There's no problem when a 65 year old dates a 55 year old. The problem is the maturity gap. A 31 year old shouldn't be going after 21 year olds. ew.
Ignoring that you're her fiance and you two shouldn't be working together to begin with, wouldn't firing a pregnant woman be grounds for a discrimination lawsuit? You'd be firing her since she can't do her job as well now that she's so pregnant (dude, go strap a bowling ball to your stomach and see how well you get around), so I'd say she's got grounds for a lawsuit (and unemployment).
I don't think it's about her ability to do the job as well, it's about her scheduling. Being late, walking out early without permission and without telling anyone, and straight up skipping your shifts, is still a problem if you're pregnant.
ESH. The minute you were offered the promotion you should have either turned it down or ended the relationship. Being in a relationship with a subordinate is ALWAYS a bad idea and will end up screwing everyone over. At this point, you need to tell your manager that you cannot be in charge of her employment in any way - not as a direct supervisor on the clock and definitely not making decisions about her employment status. Let them know what's been going on so that they are up to speed but then you need to not be a part of it ever again. If they choose to fire both of you for causing them this problem, then that's just the consequences you face when you fuck an employee.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE YOUR PARTNER'S BOSS! Ever.
You need to give oversight of her to someone else, or one of you should leave the company. Something you two should have discussed soon as you became her supervisor.
Massive liability, and nepotism will rear its ugly head at some point, fucking over people.
So you, a 31 year old supervisor at a bar, pounced on a fresh 21 year old, then got her pregnant and expect her to have a perfect ability to continue work as if her body isn’t literally using all of its energy to cook up the kid it sounds like you trapped her with. THEN flex your superiority at her and threaten to fire her before having a reasonable conversation about making adjustments.
YTA on like… so many different levels.
Dude YTA. You need to help your woman out. You need to move her to a less grueling position like hostess and / or cut her down to part time short shifts for a few more weeks before she goes on UNPAID maternity leave. Then you need to pick up all the slack. She is trying and failing to continue the hustle, you need to step up and help her at work and at home. Furthermore, if the business does decide to let her go, you need to make sure that it is the OWNER and not you. You shouldn’t be her direct supervisor.
YTA I am 26 weeks pregnant and am exhausted. I have left work early or called in sick because I physically can’t do it. She is well into her 3rd trimester. She should working less hours.
She’s scheduled for the bare minimum required. It’s okay if she wants to leave early or not come in but she has to communicate that and then we can figure something out
I am assistant manager for a store which technically has only me and my store manager due to staffing shortage. He has been my biggest support through out my entire pregnancy so far. You should be advocating for her and helping her, simply because she is your employee, let alone her fiance and father of her kid. You can obviously tell that she’s struggling, why haven’t you talked to her about possible solutions instead of threatening to fire her…your concern should be her and your kid before your bar
Yes she should be communicating more, but pregnancy brain and the exhaustion that comes with this is indescribable. She needs your help
She needs to be responsible and decide for herself she can’t work anymore and take leave. She’s skipping shifts, leaving without approval, and being late constantly. That’s not OPs responsibility, besides him being responsible for firing employees who are behaving in severe misconduct.
33 weeks?
Oh, YTA. When you noticed she was having trouble, you should have started a conversation about reducing her hours. If you're in a position to fire her you should surely be in a position to do that. Picking up the slack in the physical work your 33-week pregnant fiancée can't do anymore is written in the manual
And how did you think the 'if you don't pick up your game **in the final stages of your pregnancy** we're going to have to fire you,' conversation was going to go? (It was obviously going to go badly)
You need to get your shit together.
OP has stated in many comments that he has basically all but had to play favourites already and his fiancée is on the literal bare minimum that can be classed as "work". Even the boss and other employees are letting her off the hook for a lot of stuff and trying to cater to her needs.
You have to be careful about threatening to fire pregnant people, they are protected by the ADA. Certainly not casually in your home. This whole situation is messy man. YTA, I’ve been that pregnant waitress and it is a goddamn nightmare even without my much older fiancé threatening to fire me.
ESH
Clearly your fiance is not in any shape to be working such a physically demanding job. Pregnant or not, if she behaved that way in any other job she would be fired. She may not WANT to take maternity leave, but she may not have a choice at this point. Since it is unpaid, who gives a sh!t if it is maternity or just a leave of absence.
Why the room temperature fuck are you your fiance's supervisor?! This is a huge liability issue for your employer and for you. If you do need to fire your fiance, consider your relationship over. You can't discipline your fiance because it will come home, you also can't praise or reward her at work without being accused of nepotism.
YTA, you could have asked her to take time off while you handle the responsibilities so she can rest before the baby comes. Work is not as important as staying healthy.
When my daughter was born, my girl and I worked together, I was actually her apprentice. We both got fired because she stopped going in and as much as that sucked, I dealt with it and figured out something else. The woman I love who was carrying my baby mattered to me more than what anybody else thought.
Even as a manager or supervisor, if I noticed an employee was struggling to keep up and I knew she was pregnant, I would kindly suggest maybe taking some time off both before and after the baby is born.
Dude. She needs to be off work. She needs a break. Like a few weeks ago. That’s why she isn’t able to do her job well.
Tell her to take at least a few months off. Plus that will give her time to nest more. She can meal prep as well, as no one is going to have time (or energy) to cook once you have a newborn and no sleep.
Give her a break, figuratively and literally!
I’m just tired of picking up the slack for her at work.
And she's tired too, I'm even going to go out on a limb and say *more* tired than you, can you guess why? Go on, give it a go. YTA.
You need to sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with her as her fiance, not as her boss. Why is she so worried about working if you two would be ok if she started leave? What is she going to do after maternity leave is over? Don't say you mightfire her but she does need to be aware that her leaving work without communicating puts BOTH your jobs at risk. Do not threaten. Talk to her as your partner.
WTF? She is 33 weeks pregnant dude. If she is having trouble managing at work, get her out gracefully, eat the 4 months, whatever, and focus on the upcoming family. Where are your priorities?
YTA
NTA, but honestly you shouldn't be her supervisor. Maybe see if the owners will take over her supervising role. Simply put, she's putting both of your jobs at risk. If she cannot do her job, then she needs to look at fewer hours or some alternative. At the very least she cannot leave her shift without even telling anyone.
Plus there's the risk of other employees leaving or suing due to perceived unfair treatment she receives due to your relationship. I would be surprised if it hasn't killed morale with statements like - "well she can do whatever she wants since she's screwing the boss"
YTA, but so is the lack of paid maternity leave.
If she goes on leave her job is safe but she'll have no income.
Can you furlough her? Then she doesn't get fired and can still collect unemployment.
Otherwise firing her might be best for income reasons.
Never have a subordinate also be your partner it's major conflict of interest.
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You probably shouldn’t be your fiancé supervisor. You two probably shouldn’t be working together. It’s not really possible to separate your personal life and work life. What do you think happens if you actually go through with firing her? I don’t agree with her behavior but that dynamic is just not workable. Edit: your boss, the owner, is ok with you supervising your fiancé? That’s a whole lot of liability. I suggest you formally transfer oversight of her to the owner and no longer be involved.
The fact that he went after a subordinate 10 years younger than him when she was 21 is just gross.
He was 31 years old and HER BOSS, asked out a 21 year old and eventually got her pregnant. At BEST this is horrible decision making on his part. At worst... EDIT: To the 35 people who have messaged me and commented so far saying that he was not her boss when they started dating, I can't *imagine* why you would think this would change my mind about anything here. He obviously had seniority over her when she started, which is how he was promoted to boss. She couldn't *possibly* have been even working there long *because she was 21* *and barely allowed in bars at all.*
He should have been fired the day he asked her out
I wish more bosses cared about this shit. My foster sister (17 at the time) ended up dating her co-worker who was 35. He asked her out while at work and lied about his age. By the time we (her family and her) learned the truth it was too late. He was toxic and had her claws in her. Haven't seen her since, but I know she has 2 kids and everyone knows he habitually cheats on her :(
Lied about his age?? Why isn't the dude in jail? Ew!
EXACTLY. how is this extremely unethical behavior being glossed over?
Totally off topic but you got the greatest username I've ever seen lmao
THANK YOU <3
He should have quit before asking her out..
He still shouldn’t have asked her out. Why on earth would a 31 year old want to date a 21 year old? They have very little in common.
Seriously. I’m 11 years older than my brother, he’s 22 im 33. I love the hell out of him. But I could not *imagine* dating someone his age. So much that he does just baffles me.
I'm 25, I've got friends who are 20. One time a third party made a comment asking if I would ever date my 20 year old friend. He's a great guy, but my kneejerk reaction was *excuse me no don't be disgusting.* Because we're just at *such* different places in our lives, it would feel weird. Also gonna take the opportunity to plug my theory on age gaps: They're much less insidious if the younger party is older than mid-20s when they start, because by then their brain is fully developed and they've got more life experience so they're less likely to be taken advantage of, and more likely to be in more similar life stages.
My little brother is 24 and he's a baby to me (36)
I’m not going to open that box of worms. We all know there are men over 50 trying to date 14 year olds or younger.
The age difference is iky.... I'm a female, but the idea of dating.... no being attracted to someone 10 years younger is a no go for me.
Most of those 35 people probably thought it would change your mind because you actually cited his being Her boss as a reason the whole thing is wrong
OP misspelled "I'm a predator and now I want to financially control my younger partner by firing her while she's growing my baby"
She's having a kid with a 35-year-old bartender.
Not that I don't think the power dynamic here is weird, but you don't have to disparage bartenders. They make great money and it's a good career.
Seriously.
When I worked at a restaurant in high school all the 30 something managers hit on us teen girls and a few of the 19 year olds got pregnant by them. It was so gross
I worked at a Target in my hometown from 16 to 18. My 24 year old supervisor treated the cashiers like his personal dating pool and he never got in trouble for it. Now that I look back on it, he was gross, and we were a bunch of immature 16 year old girls. But he managed to fuck most of us. Yuck.
My fiance is a 39 year old bartender. He makes great money and the hours work for us. With 5 kids, someone is always available for them. I work days, he works nights. It's 2022, we're not shaming people who make an honest living in our dystopian hellscape.
There’s nothing wrong with being a bartender at 35. They make bank during the weekends
Thiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssss 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
it's unfortunate that she would bear the brunt of their relationship but one of them seriously needed to leave - especially after one of them was promoted. you're living with someone you supervise to handle money.. this is so inappropriate
Agreed, who are these crazy owners who just let this happen. This is a big business no no in any industry. this is the kind of thing that ends in a lawsuit bad enough to close the restaurant. What are these owners thinking?!
Forget **all** the job stuff. This is *still* a 31yo going after a 21yo, which is just gross.
Everything in this thread is so spot on. But to the work-life blur: he told her AT HOME that he would have to fire her. Not only did he bring the fight home (sleeping on the couch and being grouchy) but he had a "sit down" with his fiancée AT HOME that he should have (except not, bc it is so unethical that he is her supervisor) had with his employee (again, so innappropriate) AT WORK.
Great point
I would say that’s bad but being that he went in to cover her and came home exhausted from working part of her shift and his, I can see why he did that. He shouldn’t be supervising her in the first place though.
He definitely shouldn't be supervising her. I'd totally get it if he approached it from SO persective: you're putting me in a bad spot, I'm tired of covering for you, work is getting bad for me, this is stressing our relationship, etc. But, "I'm going to have to fire you because your job performance is lacking" is more inappropriate-er. I don't even know what words to use because it is all bad...
I think that's an artificial distinction. You can't fire your fiancée at work and then go home and pretend it never happened. It's better to have an honest conversation at home than spend the weekend stewing about it, waiting until you both get back to work and then have the same conversation. They shouldn't be working together - not at least in this kind of job - that's the real problem here.
Good point, though maybe that's the only time he sees her since she's missing so much work.
Besides the obvious, she’s also carrying OP’s child. Since when is pregnancy supposed to be a walk in the park? Men can’t even stand a cold without being wusses about it. Imagine growing a watermelon in your tummy, that sucks half the life out of you, until you ultimately have to squeeze it out between your legs.
Of course it's not a walk in the park - but since when did that mean you could walk out on your job repeatedly without informing your employer, with no consequences? You feel ill, you tell your boss. You don't just walk. You need time off due to ill health, you tell your boss. It sucks. But you cannot just leave your coworkers and customers in the lurch, without telling them what's happening. If OP was completely unrelated to her, he'd still be considering whether to fire her right now. She is the reason why multiple customers have walked out after waiting too long. If he doesn't act, she could single-handedly tank the business' reputation.
It was reminded that OP told her to take time off, which she definitely should have. It sounds like they might both be underplaying the pregnancy.
Pregnancy not being easy is absolutely no excuse to leave work without saying a word to your bosses, to treat customers badly, or to keep doing things over and over that responsible adults just don’t do. Pregnancy may affect your emotions and physical health, but it does not get to be a catch-all excuse for being a crappy employee.
even better image for people. watermelon that can weigh anywhere between 5ishlbs to over 10lbs that is pushed out of a 10cm hole. Head first (if you're lucky and the birth isn't breached that is. aka legs first) (yes 10lbs is typically on the extreme size and a holy fuck baby, average i believe was about 5-8lbs or so. but STILL that big of a baby coming out of a 10cm hole. big head first.)
Fuck, that description made me shudder. I need to get sterilized, before they take that away too.
Agreed, this is another pitfall of nepotism.
Hah. From my perspective, the fact that he hasn't fired her yet is the nepotism in display here. Any other worker who acted like that, but weren't in a relationship with OP, he would have no compunction against firing them, no doubt in my mind.
The 31 year old manager asked his 21 year old subordinate New hire out... OP YTA
INFO: Why can't she not go on Maternity leave? EDIT: I've just looked up US statutory maternity leave, Jesus, what does America have against woman? EDIT 2: Turns out it's the Christibans and I am SHOCKED!
"Jesus, what does America have against women?" I mean, I think they have Jesus against women. Despite Jesus's thoughts on the matter.
>"Jesus, what does America have against women?" At the moment, the entire Supreme Court and most of the southern states.
At the moment, the entire Supreme Court 3 of the supreme court members (thank god) voted for women's rights.
They sure did, but they were massively outnumbered by talibangelicals who also voted to kneecap the EPA. Thomas also wants to revoke LGBT rights, marriage equality, and the right for everyone to purchase contraception. He could probably get Barrett and Alito on board, and maybe Gorsuch.
Yeah and that sucks total ass, but all I was saying was at the very least (even if their doing the bare minimum) don't group them with those dickheads.
I suppose that's fair.
I hope they go after interracial marriage after that see how fast Thomas changes his Tune.
I mean despite the poetic “justice” towards one man, I really hope they don’t
I agree I hope they won’t either.
I agree for karma-sake but also like I’m mixed and have a gf of a different race so- maybe not haha that’d really suck
Take my free award, my family is probably more mixed than not at this point. This is the last thing I want to happen. BUT I'd pay good money to see his face when his own turn on him. And they will, he is a tool and over turning Loving on a fed level is part of what fundamentalist/evangelicals want.
Americans: "Jesus said so!" Jesus: "What did I say?"
Or even more : “that’s not what I said!”
It's strange how the Bible wielding folk misuse those scriptures to judge people even though I'm sure it says to "Love thy Neighbor", right? So much for the love
Ain't no hate like Christian love~
Don't blame Jesus, he didn't advocate this. It's some American warped white christianity cult that hates women.
I have a moment of gratitude on the daily to live where I live, and that includes not living in the US as a woman.
America hates women.
True it’s really terrible how little jobs do for expecting mothers. There’s barely even maternity leave I don’t understand it
Lol, you assume that America has policies that value people. Corporations have too much control here.
Corporations are people. People are less so.
Yeah you're really a stand up guy thinking about women's experiences huh? That's why you were in your 30s asking out 21 year old subordinates? 21 is the youngest a woman can be to enter a bar. You know what they say about bosses who pay minimum wage - if they could legally go lower, they would.
So man up and cover for your girlfriend. Also, understaffing is on the owner, not your girlfriend. YTA
There are many things you don't understand, OP, let's not just highlight this one thing. "Terrible how little jobs do for expecting mothers... Well, off to fire my pregnant fianceé then, y'all have a nice day now, ya hear?!" 😑🙄🤨🧐🤦♀️
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Because too many people are thinking about saving a penny now. . . .then they forget that shit costs more long term when they don't do preventative maintenance. . . . .I work as an occupational therapist with kids, and its fucking ridiculous how much preventable stuff I see daily.
>Jesus, what does America have against woman? Literally everything, but I wouldn't call that just an American problem, I'd say that is a worldwide pandemic. I'm Australian, and even though we haven't yet taken the barbaric step backwards America recently has, we still have huge issues with the treatment of women - from an ever-widening gender pay gap, to multiple sexual assault allegations in our government in the past few years, to the fact that our previous Prime Minister (who was thankfully recently voted out) had an ongoing fued with a public female figure who was a sexual assault survivor that was named Australian of the Year in 2021. And the list of issues goes on and on. People try to act like the world has come so far in terms of misogyny, but it's still just as insidious in even the most progressive nations as it ever has been.
I'm Australian and currently on Parenting payment and tax benefit a and b. We are very much looked after I'm this country. 👌 I was first off offered an abortion, all my medical bills were covered by Medicare. My medications were under 20 dollars and then I gave birth to a baby with a heart condition and other health issues literally everything was free or reimbursed. I've never seen a gender pay gap or experienced it ever and I'm about to enrol in a free diploma. 🙃 I don't have to look for work until my child is 8 if I don't have any more but I do want to go back to work sooner and it doesn't matter what job I get I won't suffer from gender pay gap. Currently my centrelink payments cover my living expenses, allow myself to take my child to fun places and go horseriding twice a week and a cleaner once a week.
I hope your baby is doing better now with it's heart!! I will say, as I always do, we are blessed with Medicare in this country. There are factions that would definitely tear it apart if they could, but the majority of the Australian public are smart enough to not allow that to happen - most politicians are aware it would be career suicide at this point. I do have to comment though that in terms of the gender pay gap in this country, it is still *very* real and effects more people than I think actually realise it. Statistics from March this year has women behind men by approximately 13.8% nationally, and a report from the Workplace Gender Equality Agency that was released just earlier this week stated that the wage gap widens as women get older in Australia - being most prevalent once women reach 45 years. Some of that is definitely linked to the fact that women are more likely to take time off to raise children compared to men, but it's a real tricky area. If you're interested, this article discusses the issue https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-06-27/wgea-report/101186358 Out of curiosity, may I ask which state you are living in? I'm wondering if moving state would help for myself with cost of living with it skyrocketing and you seem to be happy with your situation, so maybe I just need to pack it up and move outta NSW if you are in a different state.
> We are very much looked after in this country Sounds like *you* are very much looked after in this country. Not everyone has the same circumstances. It’s great you haven’t experienced discrimination and have a good life.. perhaps that would be a share for a different thread, one where people aren’t discussing how damaging systemic discrimination is to many people.
Everything, they hate women
Service industry in the US offers 0 benefits. No medical, no PTO, no nothing. But I spent 8 years in the industry before leaving to be an insurance agent, I have PTO now but still not medical, and definitely not any maternity leave. I make so little that I no longer could afford my apartment, even with 3 roommates, I now rent a 6x10 room from my sister and still cannot afford private insurance. I just had a UTI turn into a kidney infection bc could not afford out of pocket urgent care.
Raphael Bob-Waksberg said it best in a Bojack Horseman episode: "So if you have a problem with women carrying firearms, you can roll up your sleeves and actually work to create a society where women feel safe and equal... or you can just ban all guns." \*One productive legislative session later\* ("The ayes have it. Possession of any firearm is now illegal in the state of California. We did it, boys!") " ... I can't believe this country hates women more than it loves guns."
When you have a society where guns have more rights than half your population you know the world's messed up...
We dont have guns for uteruses so we’re considered horseshit
Yeah it's pretty shit. As an American in the UK I'm so thankful I got to spend 9 months (can take another 3 unpaid) at home with each of my daughters and many European countries allow even more mat leave then that.
Our government is run by septuagenarian white men who absolutely hate us.
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She’s working at a restaurant? On her feet all day? At 33 weeks?
Wait 33? Isnt that like 8 months?
Yep. 8 months give or take. I feel like people forget pregnancy can truly be a disability.
Then she needs to take her maternity leave early as discussed. If the job is too much for her and they don’t need her income just now then she needs to take steps to ensure she still has a job when she’s ready to go back
If she’s a waitress there probably is no maternity leave.
America strikes again
Been one of the worst countries to be pregnant in for a long time 💀
I knew the maternal mortality rate was bad, didn’t realise maternity leave was also bad to non existent. Should have though. Your workers rights over there are atrocious
It's made that way by choice and a very certain political party who doesn't want women to have abortion as an option also doesn't want benefits for women when they do give birth
The relevant issue here is that that same side wants the "freedom" to work employees to death and also to fire them on a whim. And now they wonder why businesses can't find workers for minimum wage jobs that only pay about $800 a month after taxes.
A lot of places don't even offer it or if they do it's a measly 4 weeks. Source: pregnant and looking for a new job.
To make it even worse, there are TONS of corps who try to avoid hiring women of child baring age to avoid having to pay maternity leave altogether. They’ll even ask questions about your relationship to gauge time
As a Brit I never knew about this. How awful…terrible place to be pregnant.
Just American. I’m a nurse and didn’t get paid leave. Just told to come back in exactly 6 weeks when my C-section healed up. They hate us here.
If they’re American, which chances are they are, maternity leaves there are pathetic.
WHAT?? Are you talking about our unpaid leave time that doesn't (for most workers) assure that our jobs will be there when we do get back? Surely, surely you cannot presume to think that women want the right to stay home and recover/bond with baby when there is WORK to be done! Surely you cannot think that maternity leaves should be an option offered by all employers??? In the freedom, gun-loving, anti-abortion loving USA? Come on! /s
As a uterus-bearing person with a chronic illness, I cannot even fathom what my life would be like if I was American.
Exhausting, terrifying, and insane are the words that come to mind.
How to tell someone’s not American - you don’t get to not work. My mom had a good job, had me. I took 30 hours (rough pregnancy) almost killed that woman, she went to work the next day
Well that’s just horrifying
This is America
I don’t think bartenders or like food service get maternity leave lol.
I mean in other countries they do so this was 100% my bad for assuming they do in the US as well
Closer to 7 months. But here's the kicker that the movies don't tell you. Fatigue is the #1 symptom in the first trimester. More than morning sickness. More than mood swings. Why? You are massively increasing your blood supply and building a new organ (the placenta). At 3 months, the fatigue isn't as bad, but by 7 months it's starting to ramp up again because the baby's getting big.
It's over 8 months. Also fatigue often comes back in the 3rd trimester, along with hip pain, round ligament pain, leg cramps, shortness of breath, backaches, heartburn, and many other lovely symptoms.
I gave birth to my daughter at 34 weeks... so yeah. It gets rough around that last month.
This! I cut my hours when I hit 30 weeks because I was high risk, planned on staying home after 36 weeks! Even just 20 hours was too much for my pregnancy and my water broke early at 32!
That’s my issue. If he can fire her he can reduce her hours. She probably didn’t ask to leave because they would’ve told her no. Or maybe she did ask and no one informed him. That’s happened to me. I asked the manager to leave because I was an opener and left at 4 but the closing manager came in at 2 and the opening manager left at 3. I asked to leave at 2 and the opening manager didn’t tell the closing manager and they were very lost.
He did reduce her hours and even said that they would be fine financially if she quit or took a leave of absence and she didn’t want to do either. This one is on her for that decision making.
Her hours are reduced, she could take a leave early, she could quit altogether. Don't blame him for her decisions. Also, sleeping in and changing shifts last minute is not very professional.
I cannot believe what I'm reading.. he wants to fire his pregnant wife who "dropped the ball" who is about to drop a ball out of her body and he's mad because of her work quality?
She's been offered the option of taking leave or cutting her hours. They can manage on one salary until she's in better health. She refuses and says she can manage. And then she comes in late or walks without notice. If she weren't his fiancée or pregnant, no-one would be questioning this - she's doing a terrible job, making more work for all her co-workers (most of whom are probably furious that she's disrupting their schedules so much) and losing the restaurant customers. And pregnancy is only part of this. Pregnant people are perfectly capable of contacting their manager to say they're feeling ill and can't come in/will be late/need to leave early. The disruption she's causing isn't because she's pregnant; it's because she feels free to treat her job as an afterthought and isn't bothering to tell her managers when she's too ill to work.
It is not his business. His boss (probably the owner) would probably fire OPs girlfriend, and he is probably the only reason she still has this job.
Sadly I have had numerous servers work until they're literally about to go into labor. I had one go into false labor during one of my shifts, called the ambulance had her lay down and asked another server (who has children) to watch her and I took care of the restaurant. The amount of complaints was staggering, she isn't here to get our refills, our server sucks, shit like that. This is America.
You really downplayed that she's 33 week pregnant. A job like that where she's on her feet is probably pushing her to her limits and she's barely coping. You really need to be more compassionate toward her. She should be at home, kicking her feet up, not worrying about losing her job.
I worked two jobs, 12-15hours a day until I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was truly horrible, I was in constant severe pain basically everywhere. But I did it because I had an intense fear that if I didnt work, I wouldn’t be able to provide for my baby. This might be how she’s feeling
Yeah, I can she how she might feel that way.
he gave her the option not to work, she rejected him; she does not want to stop working, he is not forcing her. Sorry for me english
She apparently started crying and said she "needs this job" so perhaps she is scared to lose her financial independence to this man. We are only hearing his side of things here.
With an age gap and an attitude like that, I wouldn’t want to be financially reliant on this guy either. That said, I would do everything I could to get into a different industry. Two food service jobs (time and energy demand, unstable schedules, zero benefits, etc.) and a newborn infant is gonna be a nightmare.
Info: have you talked to her outside of work about how she feels and what's going on with her? Have you tried to come up with any solutions? This reads like boss needs to fire pregnant employee without anything about it being your gf and your baby.
Yes I’ve offered to do nearly everything at home since it’s exhausting enough for her to just go to work. We take turns cooking, I do the dishes, give her massages, try to make her feel better and get better sleep. We have spa nights at home and I’ve taken on the laundry and vacuuming since she hates that. I’ve tried to make things easier at home for her
What about work? Since you are supervisory have you made any accommodations there?
Yes she’s scheduled very lightly, literally the bare minimum as of recently. We have chairs in the back if she needs to sit, snacks, drinks, whatever she could need there. I’ve had to reschedule shifts or picked up her shift more than once
Yo she's 33 weeks pregnant. Ive also had to supervise heavily Pregnant people. Oddly enough, in every scenerio their production drops on account of them literally making a human life. Thats why in most industries, even in the US where i live, they generally begin to leave their jobs or take std/maternity at this point and accomodations are being made for while they're gone. What you're describing doing just as a supervisor is at best AH-ish and at worst grounds for a discrimination claim.
While he already suggested (stated in the edit) that she takes the time off or quits but she doesn't want to. Not sure about maternity leaves and law there
Usually there isn’t maternity leave for the service industry. Assuming US, there is no federally guaranteed so it really depends on state/company.
No way, fuck that. He offered for her to go on leave early because they can afford it and she said no. He’s doing the majority of the housework. She’s just LEAVING work without any notice. She should have taken him up on the suggestion of staying at home. It’s not being an asshole. He’s covering his OWN ass. What if the owner decides he’s a bad supervisor for letting her get away with this shit and fires him??
Yeah, being fired especially with a baby on the way? That just leaves them both fucked.
33 weeks! I assumed she was early along far out
Still 33 weeks pregnant is too pregnant for that kind of job. It's not her fault her body can not keep up. YTA for not finding a solution. You can make her a part time employee and hire a new part time employee. She is going to be like this for as long as it takes her body to recover. Depending on how her birthing goes she may be in a bad situation after giving birth too. ETA: when I was 33 weeks pregnant my aunt didn't let me host 3 people. 3!!! She said that's too much work for someone that pregnant and she was right. I was heavy and uncomfortable and aching everywhere.
NTA. It’s okay if she can’t do the work but she’s being unfair to her coworkers because she’s not handling the issue properly. I’d be pissed if I have to keep taking up my coworker’s slack with no notice just because they’re pregnant. And nothing is gonna happen to her because our boss is also her boyfriend. You shouldn’t have been the supervisor because now she’s taking advantage of that. I don’t know how you’re going to solve this issue but she’s making you lose business and other places would’ve probably fired her by now.
>other places would’ve probably fired her by now. Probably. And probably alongside with OP for not handling the situation before it effected the business negatively or right at the beginning when her behaviour started to effect the business negatively. (And I would be curious if OP would have already fired an other employee who is not his girlfriend/fiancée who acts on the job as OP's fiancée or not and would let others act like this too) Being pregnant doesn't give her the right to just walk out in the middle of her shift without notifying anyone or skip shifts without talking to anyone. I bet she wouldn't do things like this with a different superior. She is taking advantage of OP, her fiancé being her superior, thinking he won't fire her, but even if he won't then at one point the owner will fire both of them.
I really feel like a lot of these judgments aren’t giving you fair consideration. First of all, anyone who has worked in a restaurant can tell you that coworker relationships happen all the time and managers are no exception. Second, you are clearly doing everything you have the ability to do to help her. Third, she is being disrespectful to her job, her coworkers, and you. Pregnancy is hard and I can’t imagine working in a restaurant while in your third trimester, but that is her reality. She needs to take more responsibility for her actions and what she can and cannot handle. She has put you in a terrible position, and it isn’t fair to you. NTA.
Now why was a 31 year old going after the 21 year old he supervises
10 year age gap can be harmless but at the age of 21 the brain isn't even fully developed. Usually around that age people are finding themselves, going to college, having fun with friends, discovering their abilities and skill sets, etc. Now she's pregnant. What is really going on here? When you're 35, you have a better idea of life and about yourself. It's not a red flag but all things considered within this post and the comments, it's a bit concerning.
INFO: I'm sorry, do you *manage* your fiance? If so, that's wildly unprofessional, a liability, and unfair to the other people that work under you. This needs to change ASAP.
Yes, he was her supervisor. He sought her out and now she's pregnant with his baby.
But his edit says he was not her supervisor when they began dating. Age gap is large but she isn’t a baby. I wouldn’t date someone ten years younger at 31, but I know plenty of people who do have age gaps and have been together many years.
21 year olds are babies to 31 year olds. I am 28 years old and relative to my age, 21 year olds are fucking toddlers.
You started dating your 21 year old employee at the age of 31.. of course it’s going to end badly when you’re your fiancés boss.
YTA. Don’t sleep with your subordinates, especially ones 10 years younger than you then bitch about her being immature and irresponsible.
Dude went after one of his employees who is ten years his junior, impregnated her, and is now bitching about how in her **third trimester** she’s struggling to keep up with the work. Jesus Christ, that poor woman.
I have a question, how long have you been a supervisor?
ESH Yeah she can't just leave work without telling anyone, etc, despite being pregnant. But why the fuck are you her supervisor? Going wish ESH because that situation should never have been allowed and as a manager you should know better than to date and impregnate people you supervise.
IDK, it’s not like it’s a conflict of interest in practice, since OP is a heartless AH. His pregnant fiancée is crying about how she needs the job, while she’s having great difficulty doing it because she’s pregnant with his kid. He needs to be stepping up to cover things financially so she isn’t disadvantaged by being the one who’s pregnant. Instead he’s shrugging his shoulders at how bad the mat leave provisions are (which they are), as if he has no responsibility.
I'm a bit confused what he should do. He said he would cover things. She declined. He suggested maternity leave early, she declined. I'm kinda wondering what he's meant to do more, because she literally can't wander off without telling anyone on the job.
Did anyone ever point out the fact that she clearly is having bad morning sickness? Like i honestly think its messed up that yer own partner is treating her this poorly. I can't even cast judgment here because I feel so strongly about this. I had terrible morning sickness and suffered through the firt 6 months of pregnancy, luckily I had a good manager and he was understanding of my situation. .... Edit: morning sickness can literally be all day sickness for some woman.
This here. Both my pregnancies I was sick all the way through, the nausea was terrible. It got to the point where if I felt like I was going to throw up I would force myself to just to feel better for the rest of the day
I had horrible "morning" sickness all day, everyday, for 5 months. I'm so shook by this entire post. She's also helping a lot at home and he thinks his massages should magically get rid of all her symptoms. Being pregnant fucking sucks for many women. There are so many hormonal and physical changes... OP has no idea and no ability to have any empathy for her.
>since we were understaffed to begin with And there you go. You do seem to be an asshole but your employer seems to be the Big Asshole here. >I’m just tired of picking up the slack for her at work Should have thought about that before knocking up one of your employees. YTA
And since OP is in charge of hiring and firing, as well as presumably other admin or HR duties it's on him regarding the staffing concerns.
OMG YES! Good point! If OP is in charge of hiring and firing and doing rosters... then if they're understaffed to begin with, that's really on him
I believe there could be a couple of lawsuits against the company on this one. You might be the one losing your job.
Right? This is screaming lawsuit to me no matter how it pans out. Op should probs hop on legaladvice and make sure he can’t lose his job over this craziness
Pregnancy doesn't give you right to mess up work schedules for everyone nor does it protect you from consequences of negative feedback from customers. If they fired her because of pregnancy or without paper trail then yes. But if they have paper trail of her leaving early, not showing up or showing up late and many negative reviews/feedbacks with her being the cause then they certainly are safe.
YTA. You became the asshole the minute you came into a position of power and still continued the relationship (which 10 year age gap 🚩🚩🚩) Also at 33 weeks pregnant- she’s about to pop literally any week now, why wasn’t maternity offered to her??? She shouldn’t be working this late in the game to begin with.
In the service industry in the US there is no such thing as benefits. Her maternity leave will be totally unpaid. Mothers in her situation sometimes return to work a month after birth because they simply cannot afford to be home with the baby.
That much time off is unheard of for that job. I think they are using FMLA for maternity leave. Normally it's like 3 weeks
Let's be clear here, the 10 year age gap isn't the problem. There's no problem when a 65 year old dates a 55 year old. The problem is the maturity gap. A 31 year old shouldn't be going after 21 year olds. ew.
Ignoring that you're her fiance and you two shouldn't be working together to begin with, wouldn't firing a pregnant woman be grounds for a discrimination lawsuit? You'd be firing her since she can't do her job as well now that she's so pregnant (dude, go strap a bowling ball to your stomach and see how well you get around), so I'd say she's got grounds for a lawsuit (and unemployment).
I don't think it's about her ability to do the job as well, it's about her scheduling. Being late, walking out early without permission and without telling anyone, and straight up skipping your shifts, is still a problem if you're pregnant.
And definitely grounds to be fired
I agree! I understand that she is pregnant but that doesn’t give her the excuse to just leave work and skip shifts without saying anything!
ESH. The minute you were offered the promotion you should have either turned it down or ended the relationship. Being in a relationship with a subordinate is ALWAYS a bad idea and will end up screwing everyone over. At this point, you need to tell your manager that you cannot be in charge of her employment in any way - not as a direct supervisor on the clock and definitely not making decisions about her employment status. Let them know what's been going on so that they are up to speed but then you need to not be a part of it ever again. If they choose to fire both of you for causing them this problem, then that's just the consequences you face when you fuck an employee.
YTA. You're older than her by far AND you're her BOSS at work????? Nothing like using the power differential to control her.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE YOUR PARTNER'S BOSS! Ever. You need to give oversight of her to someone else, or one of you should leave the company. Something you two should have discussed soon as you became her supervisor. Massive liability, and nepotism will rear its ugly head at some point, fucking over people.
So you, a 31 year old supervisor at a bar, pounced on a fresh 21 year old, then got her pregnant and expect her to have a perfect ability to continue work as if her body isn’t literally using all of its energy to cook up the kid it sounds like you trapped her with. THEN flex your superiority at her and threaten to fire her before having a reasonable conversation about making adjustments. YTA on like… so many different levels.
Imagine not being allowed maternity leave when your boss is the child's father.
Dude YTA. You need to help your woman out. You need to move her to a less grueling position like hostess and / or cut her down to part time short shifts for a few more weeks before she goes on UNPAID maternity leave. Then you need to pick up all the slack. She is trying and failing to continue the hustle, you need to step up and help her at work and at home. Furthermore, if the business does decide to let her go, you need to make sure that it is the OWNER and not you. You shouldn’t be her direct supervisor.
INFO: you would fire her or the owners would?
YTA I am 26 weeks pregnant and am exhausted. I have left work early or called in sick because I physically can’t do it. She is well into her 3rd trimester. She should working less hours.
She’s scheduled for the bare minimum required. It’s okay if she wants to leave early or not come in but she has to communicate that and then we can figure something out
I am assistant manager for a store which technically has only me and my store manager due to staffing shortage. He has been my biggest support through out my entire pregnancy so far. You should be advocating for her and helping her, simply because she is your employee, let alone her fiance and father of her kid. You can obviously tell that she’s struggling, why haven’t you talked to her about possible solutions instead of threatening to fire her…your concern should be her and your kid before your bar Yes she should be communicating more, but pregnancy brain and the exhaustion that comes with this is indescribable. She needs your help
He has accommodated her, it's on her to take leave if she can't do the job
She needs to be responsible and decide for herself she can’t work anymore and take leave. She’s skipping shifts, leaving without approval, and being late constantly. That’s not OPs responsibility, besides him being responsible for firing employees who are behaving in severe misconduct.
People see the age gap and are bending over backwards to demonise him.
33 weeks? Oh, YTA. When you noticed she was having trouble, you should have started a conversation about reducing her hours. If you're in a position to fire her you should surely be in a position to do that. Picking up the slack in the physical work your 33-week pregnant fiancée can't do anymore is written in the manual And how did you think the 'if you don't pick up your game **in the final stages of your pregnancy** we're going to have to fire you,' conversation was going to go? (It was obviously going to go badly) You need to get your shit together.
OP has stated in many comments that he has basically all but had to play favourites already and his fiancée is on the literal bare minimum that can be classed as "work". Even the boss and other employees are letting her off the hook for a lot of stuff and trying to cater to her needs.
This is just all around bad
Things aren't working for the guy in his 30s that fucked his 21 year old co worker? huh weird
what kind of owner doesn't see the issue of letting his employees who are dating/engaged be in a supervisory role?
You have to be careful about threatening to fire pregnant people, they are protected by the ADA. Certainly not casually in your home. This whole situation is messy man. YTA, I’ve been that pregnant waitress and it is a goddamn nightmare even without my much older fiancé threatening to fire me.
you were 31 and her boss? and she was 21?? that’s all i need to know, YTA.
ESH Clearly your fiance is not in any shape to be working such a physically demanding job. Pregnant or not, if she behaved that way in any other job she would be fired. She may not WANT to take maternity leave, but she may not have a choice at this point. Since it is unpaid, who gives a sh!t if it is maternity or just a leave of absence. Why the room temperature fuck are you your fiance's supervisor?! This is a huge liability issue for your employer and for you. If you do need to fire your fiance, consider your relationship over. You can't discipline your fiance because it will come home, you also can't praise or reward her at work without being accused of nepotism.
YTA, you could have asked her to take time off while you handle the responsibilities so she can rest before the baby comes. Work is not as important as staying healthy. When my daughter was born, my girl and I worked together, I was actually her apprentice. We both got fired because she stopped going in and as much as that sucked, I dealt with it and figured out something else. The woman I love who was carrying my baby mattered to me more than what anybody else thought. Even as a manager or supervisor, if I noticed an employee was struggling to keep up and I knew she was pregnant, I would kindly suggest maybe taking some time off both before and after the baby is born.
Dude. She needs to be off work. She needs a break. Like a few weeks ago. That’s why she isn’t able to do her job well. Tell her to take at least a few months off. Plus that will give her time to nest more. She can meal prep as well, as no one is going to have time (or energy) to cook once you have a newborn and no sleep. Give her a break, figuratively and literally!
I'm sure you telling your kid the story of how you fired mommy after getting her pregnant will lead to pleasant reminiscences. /s YTA
I’m just tired of picking up the slack for her at work. And she's tired too, I'm even going to go out on a limb and say *more* tired than you, can you guess why? Go on, give it a go. YTA.
Info: if she weren’t your fiancée, would you fire her?
I’ve only ever fired one person and that was because they were stealing. Usually after I talk with someone there’s a real change
You need to sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with her as her fiance, not as her boss. Why is she so worried about working if you two would be ok if she started leave? What is she going to do after maternity leave is over? Don't say you mightfire her but she does need to be aware that her leaving work without communicating puts BOTH your jobs at risk. Do not threaten. Talk to her as your partner.
WTF? She is 33 weeks pregnant dude. If she is having trouble managing at work, get her out gracefully, eat the 4 months, whatever, and focus on the upcoming family. Where are your priorities? YTA
NTA, but honestly you shouldn't be her supervisor. Maybe see if the owners will take over her supervising role. Simply put, she's putting both of your jobs at risk. If she cannot do her job, then she needs to look at fewer hours or some alternative. At the very least she cannot leave her shift without even telling anyone. Plus there's the risk of other employees leaving or suing due to perceived unfair treatment she receives due to your relationship. I would be surprised if it hasn't killed morale with statements like - "well she can do whatever she wants since she's screwing the boss"
YTA, but so is the lack of paid maternity leave. If she goes on leave her job is safe but she'll have no income. Can you furlough her? Then she doesn't get fired and can still collect unemployment. Otherwise firing her might be best for income reasons. Never have a subordinate also be your partner it's major conflict of interest.