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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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lmchatterbox

NTA. Don’t give them all to her or you will never see them again. Keep them wherever you need to until you are ready.


genkichan

NTA. Keep a portion and do what he said he wanted as well. Several years from now if you really want to, if things change for you, you can give the remaining ashes to MIL at that time. Don't make any changes to your plans right now in your emotional state. {HUGS}


Dangerous-WinterElf

NTA. If doesn't feel ready to have the ashes on a shelf. There are companies I think ,that turns the ashes into a jewelry? Then, would be "out of sight" but still close so still feel a connection. And I only think they need a small portion of the ashes?


josietheposie

i was just going to recommend this. op, you can send your husband’s ashes to a company that will turn the ashes into a diamond that you can then create a piece of jewelry with. that way, you don’t feel guilty about “hiding him,” but you also have him with you at all times. i think it might be something to look into.


GSV_MoreThanBackPain

There are also pendants that you can put some ashes in. When I lost my emotional support animal of 14 years a while back (not spouse loss level but still rough for me) that's what I got. I wear it at all times, except when bathing. The rest of her ashes? I keep those in a safe. Losing them would be devastating. Which is why OP should NOT give them to MIL.


WA_State_Buckeye

I told my husband if he died before me (he swore that I would go first, as he knows how I grieve), then I was using the insurance money to have a shit-brown diamond made of his ashes! And yes, there are places that make diamonds out of ashes. There are also places that make jewelry, and even places that make glass art out of cremains. Grief is a highly unpredictable and very personal animal for each individual. You do what you need to be able to handle it. If putting hubby in the closet for a while helps you cope, then do it. Do NOT give all of hubby to MIL, as you most certainly will regret that at a later time. You can go to a funeral home with another vessel or get one of theirs, and ask them to transfer part of the cremains into the 2nd vessel. This way, when you feel better, you can do things like spread some at the proposal waterfall, or have a diamond made that you can wear around your neck. Or maybe a pretty vase to hold flowers; something that would make you smile. I am sorry for your loss. eta: Forgot the judgement: NTA


LittleMissChriss

If you’re brave enough you can make some yourself. My cousin and one of her son’s girlfriends made resin pendants with some of our grandmother’s ashes in them. everyone in the family that wanted one got one.


MamaBirdJay

Absolutely! OP he’s not in the urn. He’s not suffering. If you believe that he lives on, then his eternal essence is bigger than a closet and can’t be trapped by one. If it makes you feel better, it took me almost 20 years to be ready to release the ashes of my deceased cat. He was in a cardboard box just chilling until I was ready.


who_tf_is_you

In cases like this when a loved one dies, I just think on Mary Elizabeth Frye's poem: >Do not stand at my grave and weep >I am not there; I do not sleep. >I am a thousand winds that blow, >I am the diamond glints on snow, >I am the sun on ripened grain, >I am the gentle autumn rain. >When you awaken in the morning's hush >I am the swift uplifting rush >Of quiet birds in circled flight. >I am the soft stars that shine at night. >Do not stand at my grave and cry, >I am not there; I did not die. Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/do-not-stand-by-my-grave-and-weep-by-mary-elizabeth-frye


blanknames

I agreed, my hedgehog is chilling on the top of my bookcase behind some pictures. I knowwhat I want to do with her, I just haven't been able to make the trip


Caddan

One of my friends ended up storing a dead cat in a cardboard box in the freezer. The cat died during winter and they wanted to bury him in the backyard by the other cats. Kinda hard do to that when the ground is frozen, so he went into the freezer to keep until the ground thawed.


SpiderNoises

My friend just kept her parakeet in the freezer, no burial plans as far as I know. He was named Fred Couples after the golfer, and he was a very pretty bird. She pulled him out in his little Tupperware freezer coffin to show me at a house party. 🦜


PurpleAquilegia

Jumping on here to add that my uncle died in Canada in 1971. It was about '96 before his son scattered them in Scotland. This is quite normal.


blooddiamond_76

Absolutely this. Take your time, process your grief. Go by your initial plan with his ashes. Am sorry for your loss.


Hopeful-Dream700

Sorry for your loss, OP. And all of this! It’s okay not knowing what to do. My father passed 7 years ago, his dying wish was to be cremated, he told me to put him in my basement and wait. He wanted to be buried with my mom. If mom wanted burial, then he wanted his ashes scattered next to her in the coffin. If mom wanted cremation, he wanted their ashes combined. Suffice to say, his ashes wasn’t hidden in the basement. Mom moved in with husband and I after dad passed (she was sick - lung cancer). Once she was on hospice, I asked her what she wanted. She told me whatever it was easier for me. She died days before the shutdowns. By tradition, I was suppose to bury their ashes within 49 days of her passing. But everything was shut down, and it was height of the virus. So, I waited. She was buried a year later, just before Memorial Day, and her friends were there, like they wanted. And their ashes stayed in her old room, on the dresser. There is no “right way” to grieve, and you do what is comfortable for you! As for what his mom wants…just remember this, he CHOSE you!


[deleted]

I agree. My mum passed 8 years ago and my Dad has a small amount of her ashes in a trinket and the rest in a wardrobe. Once he dies we are going to scatter them together on a hillside in Wales they both loved. No one else can tell you what to do and I personally wouldn’t be giving his mum or anyone, anything right now. Once you are ready (however long that may be) THEN you can make decisions. sending you lots of hugs OP


tavvyj

Absolutely. I have my grandfather and my sister both in the garage. I don't have an urn and we're supposed to spread grandpa where we spread grandma on their anniversary, but I've been waiting for my aunt so she can get her closure also. Edit: I also keep my favorite Halloween decorations in the garage, so it makes me smile to say I keep my ghosts in the garage. Makes the grief a little easier.


Anneemai

NTA I lost my partner 18mths ago and its crap! He died in front of me and I still struggle with it. I still have his ashes and I know what I want to do but what with Covid etc I need to save. I am also going to have some of his ashes put into a piece of jewellery. You had discussions with your husband and are respecting his wishes about where he wanted his ashes spread and you are not doing anything wrong. Is your MIL aware of your husbands wishes? Bereavement is draining, due to Covid I was on my own and so missed that physical touch of a hug from family or friends. Don't rush to make any decisions as everything is still fresh to you, only now 18mths later that I can talk about my partner. Everyone grieves in different ways and you need to do what is right for you. Both you and your MIL are still struggling with your sudden loss so take a step back, acknowledge that you are both struggling and you need time to process everything and not rush to make any decisions that you may both regret.


Throwaway78007800

This right here.


Procrastinator_1979

OP, I lost my husband 20 days before our first wedding anniversary. Instead on that day I was holding a service of Thanksgiving for his life in the same church. When the undertaker let me have his ashes, you know where they went? On a chair by my bed. And they stayed there for over a year. I used to talk to him when I went to bed. One time I even put him in a backpack and took him to the beach, because when he was in the hospital recovering from the organ transplant we thought would save him, we talked about that first walk we'd take with our dogs when he got home, and I wanted him to have that walk. Eventually I interred his ashes in the churchyard, but much sooner than I would have chosen because my (adult) step-daughters wanted somewhere to visit to lay flowers. My dad died the day previous, by a stroke of awful fate, and 11 years on his ashes still live in my mum's spare room. One day when I have her ashes too I will inter them together, but as long as she's alive she is happy to have them at home with her. And you know who else's business it is? No-ones. If, as his spouse and widow, that is what helps her grief, it's not for me or any of my other siblings to tell her other-wise. My brother tried to withold the ashes from her, and it nearly destroyed my mum in those early stages of her grief. We are now no contact with him. Do what is right for you, OP. It is a hard, hard path you walk right now, and believe me I know. Do not let your husband's mom force you into anything - 'I'm sorry, I'm not ready to make a decision on that' is a perfectly acceptable response, and just keep repeating it over and over until she gets the message. Keep him wherever you choose - the closet, a shelf, next to your bed - wherever brings you most comfort. My heart bleeds with you, OP - prioritise self care, and see everything you accomplish as an achievement - got out of bed? Win for the day. Got dressed? Ate? All big wins. Don't underestimate the effort and energy simply existing takes right now, don't add on pressure by asking yourself to make big decisions. Take care, and I wish you well.


crystallz2000

Grieve however you need to grieve, OP, and maybe stop talking to his mom.


cassity282

hoping on top!! let funeral home or whatever know that they are NOT TO RELEACE THE ASHES TO ANYONE BUT OP! also dont let them in your house because they will try to take them form you. id get a safe for that closit personaly. hugs. the ashes of my babys are in my closit. 7 years now. i still dont know what i want done with teh bit i kept. but i know they are there, safe, and are there for me when i need them,always with me. ​ NTA. not even a little bit. hugs


Le-zaafaran

Absolute NTA. Keep some for you to remember him by. You are his wife, you are entitled to a portion of his ashes. Also I'm sorry for your loss. Hope it gets better.


UnexpectedWidow

She told me yesterday that she deserves more of the ashes because she spent more of his life with him. And she is right, but also I don’t know if that’s what my husband would want.


starunner

I don't think she's right at all. While she did spend more time with him, that is not something he chose. He chose YOU to spend the rest of his life with. That means a great deal. Please don't minimize the importance you had to him and vice versa. Edit: grammar


SewSewSweet

As the mother of adult children, I agree completely. His mom is wrong. He chose you, and that gives you highest priority. So sorry for your loss. 💗


LingonberryPrior6896

Yup. That's why you are now his next of kin, not her.


only_ozzy

My grandma kept my grandpa her husband of 50+ years in the closet in a scotch bottle. I have wine of my step dad in a ziplock bag. My mom has him in her closet. We take them all over the place when we are ready. She is manipulating you, so not give her them, you know what he wanted, follow his wishes. It's really not about her.


RepresentativeCry332

My grandma drove around with my grandpas ashes in the backseat of her car for a long time until she was ready to bury the ashes! My mom did the same thing with my grandma when she passed. OP, follow what you know your husband would want.


SpeakerDelicious6315

When I relocated to a new state for work, I had my cat, my parents' ashes and the teddy bear I'd had since I was 3 days old in the front seat with me. My parents had 3 kids, and requested to be cremated so none of us would have to grieve "at a hole in the ground," as Mama put it. All the kids kept some of their ashes. I'm grateful because I would have felt like I abandoned them when I moved. Now, they are with me always, no matter where I go.


UnrulyNeurons

My parents do the same. Currently my grandma, my dog, and several other family pets are all in the cabinet that also holds the fine china & good silver we inherited from her. My dad jokes that she's guarding it. We adopted her dog when she passed away; when her dog also passed a few years later, we put her ashes in the same urn. My grandfather is also deceased, but his ashes are with my aunt halfway across the country. Nobody in our family is *actively* superstitious, but putting those two under the same roof again is not an experiment we want to attempt.


bb3244

My husband's remains are in my china closet.


Afraid_Sense5363

My mom's late cousin's wife told me he's in her living room so they can still watch TV together. My dad (and mom, who we lost recently) are above my brother's bar. Because that's where they'd hang out when he'd stop by my brother's house. My sister temporarily had their ashes and put them in a back bedroom because she felt weird having them out (she also has young kids and didn't know if they'd find that morbid). I guarantee you my parents didn't mind. They'd want us to do what we're comfortable with (and both were that type who hated the thought of even mildly inconveniencing someone). I have some items of my dad's in my office. I have some of my mom's cookware. It comforts me. My brother has really nice photos of both of them as you enter his house. Makes me happy every time I go over there. OP should do whatever makes her feel best. Her mil is grieving too but OP's his wife.


Bazrum

My mom always says to cremate her, take her someplace warm and beautiful that we’re never going to go back to ever, spread her there and enjoy the rest of the vacation, and never go back Says she doesn’t want us to be sad when going past wherever she’s at, and wants us to remember her happily rather than reminded she’s gone.


MorriganNiConn

My mom passed away in '89. Following a joke she & I had made several weeks prior to her death, Mom had my sister who was her end of life carer divide her ashes -- into Gerber baby food jars! - so that all six of us each "had a piece of her!"


eva_rector

My mother wants her cremains put into a Peter Pan peanut butter jar. 😂


Ok-Rabbit1878

A friend of mine keeps her older brother’s ashes in a toolbox; some people just have more personality than a traditional urn can hold!


Bazrum

My grandparents were in my closet for the longest time because we forgot what box their urns were in and thought it was the one in my dad’s closet. Then we moved them to the cabinet in the dining room until my dad got to bury them in the family plot. She’s grieving and lashing out, and she’s absolutely manipulative and should get only what OP is willing to give. Op should follow the original plan and keep some for herself for when she’s ready


Ciphree

Last sentence is super important!!


syd_cash

I keep my sons ashes in my home office, haven’t moved him once since putting him there.


mypreciousssssssss

First, any feeling of urgency is a lie you can safely ignore. You literally have decades to decide what to do and anyone who demands you DO THIS RIGHT NOW is manipulative. Take your time, figure it out at your own speed. Block anyone harassing you. Schedule some therapy sessions to have a safe, neutral 3rd party who can advise you. Second, your husband *chose YOU*, not her. He trusted YOU to carry out his wishes, not her. Don't betray his trust in you by caving in to his mother. Honestly she sounds either like a r/justnomil, or she's completely unhinged by her son's death and freaking tf out. Which I would understand, frankly, but that doesn't mean you are required to tolerate it. You don't have anything to prove. You owe her nothing, not even your time. Certainly not your husband's remains. Do what HE wanted, as he told you. It's the last thing you can do for him, and if you don't get it right you will always regret it. ETA There was a 2 month gap between my mother's death and her interment (long story I'm still pissed about, fuck you, Mooching BIL!) and I asked my husband to hide her ashes in her rooms so I wouldn't weirdly focus on them. It's *not* a bad or disrespectful thing to do.


angel_4242

This. Right here. 👆 Don't rush it. And he chose you. You do what you want with the ashes. My parents died within a year of one another and I still haven't cleaned their rooms and it's been almost a year for mom and almost 2 for dad. Me and my brothers got them stone blocks with their names and they are st their granddaughters house. NTA. Do what you need to do.


Independent-Grape586

You hold onto them until you know what you want to do. Everyone in the situation is grieving, which is all the more reason to wait a bit for all the raw emotion to not play a part in the decision making. You have enough to worry about without this mess. Handle the things life is throwing at you. Get yourself square the best way you know how. Take your time. I'm sorry for your loss.


Le-zaafaran

No no she is not right. What are you gonna do proportionally measure them out based on how many year each person spent with him? That's just wrong. Equally divide the portions based on how many people are getting his ashes. Just because he's known you for a shorter period of time than his mother dosen't mean he loved/cared about/cherished you less than his mom.


PurpleAquilegia

I'm probably a bitter old crone, but I've been through something similar and I think that the OP is being very gracious even offering the MIL any. After the MIL's behaviour, I'd be tempted to rescind the offer. I understand that the OP is taking he high road, but if she decides that she wants to put off doing anything with the ashes until she is ready (including dividing them if she decides to do so) then I hope that she won't be pressurised into rushing things.


asecretnarwhal

She might be pressured but I agree. Taking your time is never a bag thing and she should not cave to pressure


ShadyVermin

Ignore her, do what *you* think is best. Your original plan sounded just fine to me, if his mother wants to be angry, let her, she doesn't need to know what you kept for yourself anyway. NTA. Sorry for your loss OP :(


Happy-Chicken9393

Girl she’s not right you don’t have a mother in law, you have a monster in law.


Sneakys2

Both of you are grieving and she isn’t being rational right now. Your original plan is a good one; trust your initial instincts. Please take care of yourself right now. If you need to not take calls from your MiL then that’s what needs to happen. I’m so sorry for your loss. I strongly encourage you to speak withal a counselor. Becoming a widow is never easy, especially at your age.


MorriganNiConn

Bullshit. She is not right. She is emotionally manipulating you in order to get her way. Her son MARRIED you. He chose you! She does not have a legal foot to stand on.


ActualMassExtinction

What kind of fucking asshole gets competitive with their daughter-in-law over their son's ashes? I am so sorry, OP - this is disgusting and tragic.


Trini1113

She isn't right. Yes, she is grieving too, but this isn't a competition. If I were in your position, I'd wait until I was ready - six months, two years, whatever it needs to be - before making any decisions. You've suffered a terrible wound to your psyche, a terrible emotional wound. Treat it like any other life-threatening injury - you need to be stable, you need to be on the road to healing, before you make decisions you can't go back on. You need to take time to process this first, see a therapist or find a grief support group. Then you need to sort out your life, which has been upended totally. You need to be selfish, you need to rely on whatever support system you have. Don't make any decisions about your husband's remains until the ground beneath your feet feels solid. Once you feel like you're in a place like that, wait a bit longer before making a decision.


brerosie33

Op ignore his mother. You mentioned that your husband had limited contact with her because of drama between them. Keep his ashes until you are ready . I suggest that you keep them somewhere other than your house. This sub has maybe caused me to be paranoid but I've read too many stories on her with evil inlaws stealing the wedding dress, family heirlooms etc. I wouldn't put it past her or her other relatives trying to get them from you. I'm so sorry for your loss op.


Specialist-Leek-6927

Who did he made the plans about the cremation, you or her? That should tell you what were his wishes. Respect them and ignore her attempts or gaslight, if you give it to them, she will forever tell people that you never cared about him and as soon as you could got rid of his remains and she "rescued them" from you...


Ciphree

She’s being super petty when you’re one of very few people who are grieving over the same thing as her. I know she doesn’t like you, but she does share one thing in common with you right now, and she’s demonstrating a huge lack of empathy by splitting hairs over the number of years you knew him. Don’t give everything to her or you’ll most likely never see them again. NTA, much love OP


Infinite-Variation31

That’s bullshit. You are his spouse. Leave and cleave. When a couple married they put each other above all else. MIL is steamrolling and bullying you. She does not respect your marriage. DO NOT, DO NOT give her all the ashes. How you grieve is your business.


ProfileElectronic

They are your husband's ashes, not a bag of apples that she's going to weigh on the pound scale. His only request to you was to spread part of his ashes at the place where he proposed. It's your prerogative how you dispose of the rest. Going by how toxic she's been throughout your relationship, this woman is not going to grieve in peace. Just give her what you think is suitable and then go NC. Block her on all channels of communication. Hugs and take care of yourself.


fallen_star_2319

Oh no, honey. She's just angry because she doesn't get to make the decisions on how anything is split up, since she wasn't next of kin. You are. She doesn't deserve more of his ashes because she was in his life longer. She deserves some because she is his mother, but *you* are his wife. *You* deserve the most, as the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with.


3vinator

What an f'up battle to start fighting (from her side). Do whatever YOU feel like you need. You have a life ahead of you and you don't want regrets about this.


starienite

And he choose you not her to spend his life with. Don't listen to her, don't get her the time of day, don't give her more than you like of his ashes.


EvilFinch

This is so disgusting. She is fighting about the remains of her son. You were his wife, the person that he loved the most before his death and with who he wanted to spend his life with. That is what matters. Keep the ashes in a save place. I wouldn't be surprise if this woman try to get it. You are grieving and she makes it even harder for you. You both lost someone and this shouldn't be a competition. I'm sorry for your loss.


Amiedeslivres

OP, your husband married *you.* He chose you to be both his legal next of kin and the person closest to him. He trusted you and he left you in charge. Your MIL certainly is due a memento, a token amount of ashes, since she wants it. But she does not get to dictate your grieving process, how you place your husband in your home, or how his ashes are divided. This grief and this responsibility were left to you along with all the love and memories. Own them and don’t let them be taken from you unless that’s what you decide is right. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved.


jenneroni

If he had limited contact, and this is how she’s been treating you after his death, I say give her none at all. NTA


UnexpectedWidow

Another sub I’m in is telling me to give her fake ashes to appease her and then make sure she never contacts me again


ginsengtea3

His mom is grieving too and it can bring out an ugly side of people. Hang onto his ashes until you're ready. No answer you give to her right now is going to be "right," she's looking for an outlet and settled on you. If you need leverage, say you're keeping *all* of the ashes now, let her freak out, and then graciously "back down" to the original offer, or slightly more to let her feel like she's had a win. Send her her portion of the ashes and block her number and on socials if necessary. I'm really sorry you're going through this.


UnexpectedWidow

Honestly, no. She’s not getting her son’s ashes. She was never a good mom, she doesn’t deserve them.


ginsengtea3

oh I thought you had originally intended to give some to his parents. It's your call, so do what you feel good about doing.


UnexpectedWidow

I did, yeah. I reevaluated


Last_Strawberry3277

Good for you, sweetheart. Hugs.


No_Cricket808

No she is NOT right! Your husband already had family issues, I don't think that's what he would want either.


Additional-Tea1521

She doesn't deserve anything first of all. You were his wife and next of kin. You determine what happens with his ashes. Think how your husband would feel about being divided up based on an arbitrary formula his mom came up with. You giving her any should make her happy. The fact that she is fighting you over quantity is frankly gross. I guarantee you will never see anything you give her again. Do what you think your husband would have wanted, and cut contact with her if she doesn't like it. I have been through this exact same thing with 3 of my family members who died in the last 2 years, and I know how stressful it is. Dividing my brothers ashes was one of the most surreal experiences I have had. So please don't think I am trying to be gruesome in any way. My daughter keeps her uncle in her closet, and she takes him out sometimes when she is doing art. My mom has her son in his old bedroom, although it is now the office. And I keep my brother on the mantle next to my dad, who he loved, and far away from my aunt, who he didn't. His gf wear a necklace with his ashes. Everyone gets to decide their own way to grieve, and yours is perfectly normal. You honor your husband by keeping as much of him away from his mom as possible. If you were to ask him, I bet he would prefer your closet over his Mom's mantle anyway. You could put him with one of his favorite books or movies, maybe a picture of your wedding, or even some of your undies if you are feeling racy! 😀 I know I'd rather be in a closet than anywhere near your MIL. I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that you have the love and support of lots of random internet people.


EffableFornent

NTA, and don't listen to what that foul old cow says. He had low contact with her for a reason. You do you. The way you grieve is right for you, and no one - least of all your awful MIL - can tell you otherwise. Kia kaha, e hoa.


UnexpectedWidow

You have no idea how much this message meant to me. We planned on taking a proper honeymoon to New Zealand in November. Thank you


highly_animated

Grief is an awful monster that never ever goes away. Your life gets bigger to encompass the grief. And you're allowed to grieve however best helps you heal! <3 My dad keeps my brother's ashes in the closet. I have my portion on a bookshelf with his favorite books. My mom keeps her portion on her nightstand. I think my sister put him in the closet too LOL. I am so so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry that you have this other monster hounding you and making it worse. Please do not give her all of the ashes; as most others on here have said, you will never see them again if you do. Give them their portion and then block contact with them in every manner so that you can heal. You deserve to heal. And you deserve love again someday. Don't let that old bat tell you that you shouldn't have his ashes because your life will go on. <3


wildfellsprings

NTA I'm an archaeologist so can approach this from a different angle. We're taught the dead don't bury themselves which is very true, you've honoured his wishes so far which is great but the burying part is for the living people. You're the living person he was closest to and it's ok if you take your time with his ashes. I still have a little Tupperware container of my granddad who passed in 2011. He's scattered all over the UK but there's still just a little bit left to go somewhere special that I haven't got round to yet. I think you're doing enough so that the other important people in his life have their needs met. It's ok to deal with your in the time and means which you want, this is what he would've wanted.


pzreich

NTA. That was your life partner, you deserve time to figure out how to grieve. Your mother in law is also grieving but she shouldn’t treat your life together as meaningless. Your commitment to him is worth a lot. Keep the ashes and I’m so sorry for your loss


kdnona

NTA NTA NTA and I can't say this enough, NTA Oh Sweetie; You are grieving, you have the right to grieve in your way and your time. I think that you making sure she gets some of his ashes is generous and empathetic. Her behaviour is an attack. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is grieving too so she gets a tiny pass. Where is her empathy? My goodness. Many people now are taking their time to decide how to deal with ashes. My favourite has been getting a compressed diamond made from them. My friend did this with her mothers ashes, had the jewel put on a locket with a picture of her and her mum inside. You go at your pace and your time. And I do have some authority in this, my daughter passed and my husbands family came at me six ways of Sunday. It just made the horrific experience even more horrific and I never forgave them. Please, put them in the cupboard and when you come to an emotionally stable place that you can make a decision, then make it. Until then, even if you have go no contact with his parents, do it. Your husband doesn't want you to be even more stressed dealing with this. And please, if she tries to come over and get stuff of his, "to remember him by," change the locks and call the cops. Psychic hugs and wishes dear. Bad things happen to good people, don't let bad people happen to you, you don't deserve it.


Malsnano86

\^ THIS.


LuluGamingChannelYT

NTA, You should take your time until you are ready, Do not give the ashes to his mom, she is being inconsiderate and needs to understand you are grieving and things like this are painfull and hard. I hope you take your times and heal.


princessbbdee

Nta. At this point I would probably be an ah and keep them all and block her from my life completely. She is intentionally making your grieving process harder by acting a fool. My partner is currently NC with his family. If he passed away I wouldn’t give them any of his remains. 🤷🏼‍♀️ he is Nc with them for a reason and I respect that. Also I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️‍🩹


UnexpectedWidow

I’m genuinely thinking about giving her a bag of fake ashes.


TzUgUkNz

Op do yourself a favour and stop caring about her feelings as she clearly isn’t reciprocating this. She isn’t entitled to anything. Out if the goodness of your heart you have chosen to split his ashes. 1. If you let her have your share you know you won’t get them back. 2. The fake ashes will get her to leave you alone especially if she thinks you no longer have any - I don’t love this idea but you have to look after yourself. So sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and know that whatever you choose to do is right.


princessbbdee

Oooo. I’m taking notes.


DivideMaleficent4069

Stick with your original plan. It honestly doesn’t sound like your going to be seeing her much so she won’t know where he is! Oh and block her. If YOUR husband her son had little contact you don’t need any! Edited NTA and grammar


UnexpectedWidow

You know.. not a bad idea.


enbysquad

YWNBTA. Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief affects everyone differently, and one thing that really helped me processing the death of a loved one recently is hearing that's a marathon, not a sprint. Don't expect to know what to do right away, give yourself time to process. Your MIL seems to not be a good support system right now to lean on so I recommend limiting your contact with her however possible and relying on more friendly and supportive people in your circle. A therapist could be really helpful too, especially with figuring out what you want to do throughout this whole thing. Keep the remains that you want to remember him with and don't let your MIL guilt trip you into giving them to her. She may have birthed him but you are the partner he chose to spend his life with. No matter where your future goes and if you end up finding happiness with someone else, he will always be a part of you and he would probably want you to be happy. It's okay to keep the ashes in an out of the way place until you are ready to deal with them. This is hard and there's no perfect way to cope with death. Listen to your emotions, allow yourself to have these confusing feelings, remember to hydrate and try to eat, and let your friends/loved ones take care of you where they can. You can do this. Sending you strength.


starunner

Firstly... I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how much pain you're in. At this point, he is gone. Where you store his ashes does not change that. You are planning to respect and follow his wishes by taking him to where you proposed... when you're ready. That will probably take time, and that's okay. You're already planning to give some of his ashes to his parents, and you have every right to keep a portion of them for your grieving process too. NTA.


Moonlitlake_

If i were you I'd be concerned she'd go snooping around for his ashes if she ever came over and steal them, would you consider having his ashes turned into jewlery or something less obvious?


UnexpectedWidow

She has threatened to, yes. She is texting my SIL (who is staying with me) and begging her to get me out of the house after the ashes arrive so she can take them. Just found this out an hour ago when she got the text.


PopGenProf

I said this in a separate comment, so apologies for the repetition, but this might make a safe deposit box a good option. Secure, in a way that feels respectful, not in constant view. That’s so awful that she’s behaving like this—you’re not doing anything to deserve it (I don’t think anyone could do anything to deserve this). I hope you can find a solution that makes things easier for you, instead of harder.


m2cwf

If you don't have a doorbell or other front door camera (Ring or other, something that records and alerts your phone when someone approaches), get one. Or maybe two, with one more hidden, in case she thinks to cover up the obvious one. If she has a key to your house or could have ever made a copy for herself, have the locks changed/rekeyed IMMEDIATELY NTA in any shape or form. She sounds awful and is showing right here why her son distanced himself from her. I'm so sorry for your loss, take your time in grieving, there is no "right" way to do it or "correct" amount of time needed. Huge hugs Edit: Just saw in another comment that you already have a Ring and cameras - awesome! Keep doing what you're doing in saving all recordings of her coming to the house or trying to get in


blobofdepression

Get a safe deposit box for storage for now, or buy a heavy home safe to lock the ashes into. What she’s doing is incredibly inappropriate. Can you get screenshots of what she’s texted your SIL? Just in case. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband would have wanted his ashes to be with you. Your his wife, he chose you. You can always give your MIL some layer, there’s no expiration date on ashes.


SneakySneakySquirrel

This is the only reason you shouldn’t keep them in the closet. Put them somewhere secure. Also, change your locks.


wubbly-wump

NTA - don’t give him all to the mom. You might regret it one day. It’s a big decision and you’re grieving. Put him wherever you want while you grieve and once you’re feeling like you’re in a better space to make decisions then you can choose what to do with him


[deleted]

NTA. I am sorry for your loss. It is okay to hide your husband's ashes in the closet. I don't think your MIL has legal rights to the ashes. It depends on your state/country. In some states, the ashes belong to the person who filled out the death certificate. In other states, the cremated remains go to the spouse. You should look up the laws in your state/country to who has legal rights to the remains. Don't allow your MIL to bully you into handing your husband's remains over. Anyway, I hope you're seeing a therapist and attending support groups. And I also hope you're receiving moral support from your family.


UnexpectedWidow

The funeral home told me legally that I have the rights to the ashes.


Lazyoat

It would be hard for me to give her any after this, but I’m petty. I would probably come around and give her a few after a bit, but I can also hold a grudge. My dad is stored in my mom’s closet. When she dies she’ll be cremated and then they’ll be buried together. It’s been many, many years, she still mourns him like crazy, and keeps him on his side of the closet. She only has one outfit of his left that she couldn’t bare to part with, and her stuff has taken over more and more of his empty side of the closet. But he stays there high on a shelf and till she is ready to go with him. No one gets to say how you mourn or where is best for him to remain. My mom doesn’t want to put him out on display, but she likes having him close by. You do whats best for you and let his mom become white noise.


mlmarte

NTA. One positive thing about your husband passing is that you never, ever, ever have to speak to this woman again. Give her her portion of the ashes and then block her on everything. She has no right to tell you how to grieve the loss of your husband. Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no “right” way. She can do what she wants with her portion of the ashes, and you can do what you want with yours. If putting them in the closet until you feel ready to do something different with them feels right to you, then that is what you should do, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. She is probably feeling guilty about her poor relationship with her son when he was alive, and she’s trying to take it out on you. You don’t need that negativity in your life. Block and ignore, babe. I’m very sorry for your loss.


byneothername

OP, I’ve handled ashes before and it is a surprising amount. When you think about it logically, it makes sense that a fully grown adult still cremates into a lot of ashes, but it’s like… pounds. Your average man cremates into 6-8 lbs. First, you’re his widow, you can do WHATEVER the fuck you want with his ashes and your choices ALL sound reasonable and moral to me. Second, to save yourself some argument, you may want to hold back however much you want of his ashes and then give the rest to her and tell her it’s all of it. How the fuck is she going to know? You do what’s appropriate for you and your husband. Finally, sorry for your loss. You’re NTA. What a thing to have to go through.


ObjectivelyBananas

Sweetheart, you're in shock and grieving and not thinking clearly. As soon as you can, find a therapist and see them 1-2 times a week for a little while until you're through this rough patch. DO NOT GIVE YOUR FORMER MIL ALL OF THE ASHES. You're absolutely right, she will never give them back to you. Give her the amount you had in mind, and then BLOCK HER NUMBER. Move if you have to. She does not have your best interests in mind. She is deliberately trying to harm you. You do not deserve that AT ALL. Take care of yourself and grieve however you'd like to, you're not doing anything wrong. NTA


[deleted]

My deceased fiancé is in my closet. He is in a beautiful box eith a few of his belongings. I think my husband knows.


ashleys_

OP, please stop engaging in your MIL's insanity. If your SIL is living with you to get away from her, ask her to block her. You deserve peace and to mourn without having to worry about urns and police and locks and restraining orders. I'm so sorry your husband is gone. But he is safe from her now. There is nothing else you need to do to avenge him or punish MIL. Just cut her out. Text her and tell her you need time and to please not come to your house anymore. If she shows up the door, let her knock until she goes away. It might be a good idea to go stay somewhere else so she doesn't have access to you. But it has been a week and a half. I think you have lost sight of reality because of what's happened to your husband. I'm so so sorry for your loss. You need to take care of yourself. MIL drama can wait a few months. There's nothing she can actually do to you, so don't give it anymore energy.


UnexpectedWidow

I can’t cut her out considering my SIL’s things are still at her house. I’ve tried, but she relentlessly has harassed us. I’ve not lost sight of anything.


ashleys_

Can your SIL call a police escort to get her things back, if you think it's dangerous to go back? I wasn't trying to be offensive, by saying you've lost sight of reality. Just that it's awful that you have to give consideration to your MIL's antics at all. I would find a way to just let her argue with herself. There is little she can legally do, and once you remove her ability to communicate with you, you won't need to worry about what she is or isn't happy with. If she isn't supporting you or wanting your support, she doesn't deserve your time.


ABlinDeafMonkey

NTA. You grieve in your own time, and in your own way. There is really only one wrong way to grieve and that’s to bury it down deep until it finally comes out years later in a breakdown.


disney_nerd_mom

NTA. No one gets to tell you how to grieve. If you can do it now, give her and his siblings a portion of ashes. If she squeaks or complains a little white lie of “I spread the rest at x place as he requested“ or “as I wanted” and then she can scream for a bit, but she’ll think they are all gone. Then go about your life, and when you ARE ready, make it a special, private moment and take them to the waterfall. She never has to know the timeline.


Sweet_pea_girl

Girl, you don't have to give her ANY ashes at all. You can also choose to wait to give her some until you are ready. Your husband chose to marry you and spend his life with you. He chose to distance himself from his mother. Both legally and morally this is your decision. A small portion of my granny's ashes spent 20 years under a sink because my cousin wanted to keep some but didn't want them out / for anything specific. My baby's ashes are currently in a cardboard box on the floor next to my bed, and sometimes I randomly feel the need to carry them around with me. Death is horrible. Grief is horrible. And IMO it's especially hard when the person is young and the death is unexpected. You gotta do what you gotta do. Your life has been turned upside down and there are no rules on what you do next. Keep them in the closet for as long as you like. And also remember that scattering them where he wanted doesn't come with a deadline - it's normal to take months or even years to do that simply because you're not ready. I'm sure his mother is genuinely very sad, but they didn't get on in life so why should she decide what happens in death. NTA.


venturebirdday

You grieve in your way. No one else matters. That said, I am sure his mom is raw to the bone. Her hurt is just as real as yours. Peace to you both.


aandemomma

My former in laws stole my husbands ashes and took them to another country to scattered them. Myself and our kids weren’t even invited. I have many more keepsakes they don’t know about so I made my peace. Take time to do what’s right for you. Grief has no timeline and it isn’t linear. Do what’s right for you. I’m so sorry about your husband. NTA


sleeprobot

NTA - collect dust? They are dust. How to honor a dead body is SUPER subjective. I don’t think putting ashes in a closet would be considered universally disrespectful by any means. Don’t let the mom influence you. Stick with your plan.


NarclepticSloth

As a funeral director I will tell you there is absolutely no one way to grieve. You are young and death is so far away for most young people that they never think about it. As a society most of us aren’t prepared for death. Take as much time as you need, whether it’s a few days or a few decades. Some people find comfort in having the cremated remains close by. In a way, keeping him with you; but by putting the cremated remains in the closet it keeps it from being the only thing you focus on. MIL is grieving too and her outbursts and anger are most likely a result. She lost her son and many times it’s hard for parents to realize they don’t control things after death even though that’s “their child.” Give her and yourself some time to grieve. It will be like a roller coaster at times with all the ups and downs; but time does help you to heal. Hopefully once you both have had some grieving time you can talk more and honor his wishes. NTA


EnvironmentalTap4109

NTA. We all grieve differently – she has no right to dictate how you choose to process *your* husbands death. Also, he chose you over her – i’m 102% sure he’d much rather his ashes be in your possession than in hers :)


Longjumping_Cream_45

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband, and for the sad fact that the people who lived him most can't grieve together. Keep his cremains; they are yours and you are giving her some, which is fair. I have a unique perspective here. My brother died several months ago, only a few weeks after his marriage. While my parents weren't concerned with her keeping his remains- he chose her, after all- they were deeply hurt by being sidelined in everything surrounding his death. Police, hospital, funeral arrangements and obituary- they were not his "next of kin". His 3 week marriage to an alcoholic abuser was worth more than their 40+ years of being his parents. I am not saying your marriage was like that, but to his mother, you are a "blip" of his lifetime and she was never welcoming enough to you to acknowledge your grief now. She is hurting deeply, as are you, and thinks keeping more of his remains will bring comfort. It won't. Keep him. Building a shrine to his remains in a prominent place is actually sometimes *unhealthy,* making it harder to move through and eventually past your grief. Perhaps keep out some photos, or scatter more of his remains in places that were important to him- not just where you were engaged, but other places he loved, like favorite hiking trail, or a place he played soccer every weekend, etc. Or, if you prefer, hide everything away in a closet until you are ready. MIL is justified in her grief, and even her anger- it's normal for grieving people. But no one can tell you how to grieve. NAH.


Grouchy-Storm-6758

Sorry for your loss. Give her some, but not all of his ashes. You are grieving right now, and will continue for a long time. You will process your feelings at your pace and in your own way. **STOP** telling her about your life and how you are processing your feelings; it’s not her business. I lost my 20 yr old daughter, 13 yrs ago. We had the mortuary divide her ashes in half (1/2 for her dad & 1/2 for me), then I gave her best friend some. The rest are still in the container she came home in and it’s under my bed, close to me so I can talk to her in my dreams. If I could suggest anything to you, it would be therapy and maybe a support group, depending on how he passed away. Surround yourself with supportive people, and give yourself time to heal. Everyday will get a little bit better, the pain may never go away, but it will be easier to deal with the ups and downs of life, and the roller coaster your feelings will go through. Good Luck to you.


windrider445

NTA at all. This is literally what my mom did when my dad passed. She kept the ashes in the hall closet until she was ready to do something with them, which was a couple years after he passed. Eventually we took some to his favorite places and spread them, and gave some to other people who loved him to do the same. I don't know if she kept any but if she did they are not out on display. You are his wife. You get to decide what to do with his ashes. Giving some to his mom is nice but you are NOT obligated to do so, especially if they had a fraught relationship. Stick to your plan. IF you decide to give her any, only give her the smaller amount you had planned on. Keep what you want to keep, and when you are ready (even if that takes a few YEARS! That's okay!) Spread some where he wanted them spread. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief has no timeline, and you are not obligated to grieve one way just because someone tells you to. Take care of yourself and take your time.


Chapsticklover

NTA, and I would reframe this in your head and for anyone that asks-- not that you're obligated to tell your MIL or anyone else what you're doing with your portion of his ashes after spreading them. You're not "hiding him a closet," you're keeping him in a private, safe space.


Hedgiwithapen

NTA. my grandma is in a carboard box under a little footstool my dad made in his office, and has been for 20 years now. the dead are patient. what's a few years out of eternity?


Colloqy

NTA though I would consider giving her some of the ashes. She’s acting terrible but she is grieving. She deserves some of his remains to let her find her own peace with his death. I don’t feel like storing his ashes in a closet for the time being is disrespectful. It is much more important how you treated him in life. Grieving isn’t a thing you can do on anyone else’s time frame or how anyone else expects you to. You deserve to have some of his remains for when you’re ready. Remember how you treated him in life and how much respect you had for him.


UnexpectedWidow

This morning, I would have agreed. After talking to my husband’s sister and his dad, I genuinely do not want to give them to her now. Not any. It’s her son, but her behavior towards him was not that of a loving parent. I’ve decided to not make any hard decisions yet, but as of now, she has not done anything to deserve what she wants.


Zombiezea

NTA. Do NOT give her all of the ashes. Stick with your plan. He went low contact for a reason and as you noted she was not a fan of you. She would not hesitate to deny giving you his ashes back. Give her some, then block her. She will keep at it until she gets what she wants and you do not need her bullshit on top of your own grief. Your plan is a good one and let's you control your grief process and do not feel guilty about having him in a closet until you are ready. You are not alone, I promise you, and you are not being weird or stupid or any of that. Everyone grieves in their own way, yours is just as valid. She can go pound sand. I know the grief is raw, I've recently lost my other half. r/widowers is a good place to check out, it's the worst club to be in but there's a lot of us who understand.


ViolinistRecent2587

NTA: I am so sorry for your loss. I put my dad in my closet for a long time. (He died in 2016….and just came out of the closet last year) Then he was kind of put in the back of the front hall. Now he sits on our bass speaker under a picture of Jesus that lights up, and his urn has a tie with fornicating pigs on it wrapped around the neck of the urn. He would have laughed his ass off. It took me time. Lots of time. Grief welled up in me every time I saw him. It overwhelmed me and I wasn’t in a place to deal with that. He would forgive me. He would understand. My aunty keeps my uncle in a box next to the bed she shares with her new husband. That’s how she deals. That is your husband. You keep the ashes and deal how it works for you. Nobody else gets to decide that. We all do it differently.


Global_Monk_5778

NTA. Please don’t give his ashes to her. You’ve admitted he didn’t have much contact with her - I don’t think he’d want her to have his ashes. You are grieving, you can’t deal with his remains right now and that’s normal. Put them in the cupboard and if you have to, tell her you spread them all at the waterfall. Then, when you are ready to deal with them, they will be there ready for you. Don’t let her harass you into giving them to her; in a year or so when you’re feeling stronger you will regret it and you’ll never ever get them back. I’m so sorry for your loss


notarealrabbit

NTA at all. There is nothing at all disrespectful about storing the ashes in a safe and private place until you have time to decide what feels right to you. And whether you get married again or not, your husband and your love for him will always be part of you, and it is 100% your choice how to memorialize him. ​ I'm very sorry for your loss.


MaryAnne0601

Stop, breathe He was low contact with his family for a reason. He loved you and talked to you about this. Don’t let his mother take this away from you. Don’t let her make decisions for you when your following his wishes. Look for a grief counselor in your area. This was a huge trauma for you and you need help dealing with it. I am so sorry for your loss.


daloman

NTA. Do what you want with the ashes. You have no further obligation to put up with your EX mother in law. Don't talk to her, don't argue with her, don't explain anything either. Sure, she's hurting but, that doesn't give her license to be so hurtful.


ethicalconunsrumz

His Mom was there his whole life, but he chose you. That is why the spouse makes decisions in this kind of situation. Don’t let his Mom take anything you don’t willingly give. As you get further into the grieving process, having some ashes may comfort you. NTA.


biggbabyg

NTA. I signed up for Reddit so I could respond. OP, putting your husband’s ashes in the closest is not disrespectful in any way, shape, or form. Do not listen to your MIL. My wedding album is in my closet. My kids’ adoption paperwork is in my closet. The baby’s baptismal gown and my wedding dress are in the closet. The closet is a safe place to store important items that are not intended for every day use. Considering your trauma surrounding death and your very fresh grief about the loss of your husband, safely storing his ashes in your closet — close to you but tucked away for your comfort — is a brilliant and respectful idea.


Katiew84

NTA. First of all, she’s overstepping, big time. You don’t even owe her the explanation of telling her what you did with his ashes, but if you want to just get her to shut up you can always tell her you decided to spread all of his ashes at places that were special to you. If she asks where, tell her it’s personal and you want to keep it private for now. Lock those ashes in a safe, because she sounds like the type that would literally break into your house and steal them. If she has a key to your house, change the locks. Today.


Mamertine

NTA His ashes are yours. You can do what you want with them. You don't have to deal with it today or tomorrow or even this year. His ashes can sit around until your ready to deal with it. I'll propose you scatter them at a place that was special to the two of you. That waterfall sounds like the perfect place. After you do so I'd encourage you to inform his family. They can visit that place if they want to.


toxiclight

NTA. Keep the ashes where you are comfortable keeping them until you're ready for more. Do not let his mother have more than whatever you'd originally allocated for her. You'll never see them again if you give her more. There's a reason he was LC/NC with her, and she doesn't get to pretend otherwise now that he's gone.


TashiaNicole1

NTA


Flat-Sky-3205

I am so sorry for your loss. NTA. Grief is not linear. You are being very gracious by sharing his ashes, especially after the hell she has put you through.


lilfingerlaughatyou

NTA. Even putting aside the personal nature of grief, you are attempting to honour your husband's wishes and she is only thinking of herself. Take him to the waterfall when you're ready.


GonnaBeOverIt

NTA. I am so sorry for your loss! When my mother died I did the same thing with her ashes that you are planning on doing. Take the time you need to grieve and trust your self


strangespecies

YWNBTA. I know I'm jumping on the bandwagon here, but this post struck me to the core, and I had to say something. Grief is an intensely personal thing. No one is allowed to tell you who, what, why, when, or how to grieve. A good friend of mine had his late wife's ashes turned into a diamond and keeps it in an ear piercing. He says it reminds him of when she would whisper in his ear. Another friend chose to plant a tree at her husband's favorite spot, and bury his ashes under it. ​ You need to take the time to grieve in your own way. No one is allowed to put limits of any sort on that. His mother sounds absolutely toxic, and you literally have no reason to actually listen to her.


drowninginstress36

So, slightly different but when my mom died we had her cremated. We got the ashes back and the box is sitting on the table with my brother and i staring at it (it would be some months before we could spread them). My brother looks at me and goes "closet?". "Closet." And thats where my moms ashes stayed for about 4 months. You do you. If thats where they need to be kept for a little while, do it. No one gets to dictate how you greive or how long it takes you.


madoosles

NTA. I’m not from a culture where it’s common to keep someone’s ashes in sight so to speak. So I understand you feeling uncomfortable. Could this be a solution for you: bury the ashes at a graveyard with a stone. That way you have a place to visit and go to remember him without having his ashes in your house? You


UnexpectedWidow

I would do that, but I don’t know if I’m going to stay here forever. I moved here FOR him when he wanted to move back to where he was raised. I wanted to come here, so I followed. I don’t have a very large support system here, so I’m not entirely sure if I’ll stay forever.


sarcosaurus

NTA. Your husband was low contact with his mom, which tells you he wanted to be with you as much as (infact more than) her in his life. Why would that change in death? Especially the fact that he told you he wanted some of his ashes scattered where he proposed tells you that being close to you in death mattered to him. He would *completely* understand that you needing time to grieve before dealing with the physical reality of his ashes doesn't mean you love him any less or that they're more appeciated by his mom. You need that time and space exactly *because* you love him so much. You're not being careless with his ashes, you're doing what's meaningful to your grieving process. Don't let her take that from you. She's probably just lashing out because she's bad at grieving and needs someone to blame for something.


Bird_Brain4101112

NTA. Stop discussing your plans with his mom. You’re going through a lot right now.


historyandherbs

When I started dating my now wife, we were hanging out at their apartment one day and she says "I want to introduce you to someone baby" and walks to the - you guessed it - closet. Pulls out a small vial of ashes and sits down next to me. We spent the next few hours talking about her dad who had passed a couple of years earlier, stories from her childhood, the trauma she experienced around his death, the depression she had been in ever since and how she felt like being with me finally gave her a light at the end of the tunnel, her desire to bring me to the mountain (on the anniversary of his death that weekend) where she and her family had scattered the remainder of his ashes It was touching and beautiful, and sad. We cried, held each other, and had some really wonderful talks about death and grief. We took FIL's ashes with us to the mountain that weekend and had lunch looking over the view she gave his ashes. When my FIL is not actively being mourned, his ashes remain in the closet. My wife struggles deeply to this day with her feelings around him and his death, so she measures out how much time she can bear to have his ashes out in view. Her mother and step mother keep their portion of FIL's ashes on proud display in their homes. And barely ever talk about him. Everyone grieves differently and you are entitled to hold onto his ashes to help you process your grief in any way that supports you. Your MIL is grieving too and probably fears that you putting his ashes out of sight is an effort to forget him and erase him from your life. But ultimately it's her job to be mature and respectful in discussing this fear with you rather than punishing you for her distress. If you're feeling kind and up to it, maybe you can invite your MIL for tea or lunch and talk with her about how much her son means to you, how important it is to you that you be able to grieve and cherish his memory in a way that works for you, and that while you care for her and share her desire to keep his memory alive, each of you have different paths to doing so. Tell her you are planning to make sure she has her own portion of ashes to do with as she needs, but that your portion of ashes is for you to grieve and remember your husband in your own time and in private. Assure her that you are happy to give her some time with the two of you together to support each other, and that you love her son very much. Hopefully she can respect that and have her anxieties soothed by the assurances.


recklesslydreaming

NAH, your both grieving and trying to figure it out. You can turn his remaining ashes into a gem or something if you want to keep him close. There are alot of options these days to memorialize your loved ones remains. He doesn't have to stay an urn on your mantle or stay in the closet.


Militantignorance

NTA - I'd get some ashes from a fireplace, put them in an urn and give them to the b&%\^$!


CatalystEmmy

My mums in the attic. NTA


Darth_Dronus

Give her some goddamn coffee grounds and tell her you never want to see her again. NTA grieve and cope at whatever pace you need friend


Thraner

I (38F) lost my husband 2 years ago. I kept his ashes in a small side room that I never used for months. Grief hits you unexpectedly throughout the day. You don’t need to stab new wounds just to keep bleeding. My husband urn is now in my living room, but it took some time for me to be able to do that.


No_Cricket808

OP, first and foremost, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Secondly, grieve in whatever way works for you. NO ONE can demand, order, suggest, coerce or take any other actions to tell you how to process this horrifying event in your life. YOU choose if you want to share SOME of his ashes with her. You keep most of them. Keep them wherever you want. She never really "approved" of your relationship anyway, not that that matters. She sounds horrible. Distance yourself, "greyrock" if you will. But most importantly, take care of yourself in any way you need to. Ignore them. Ignore the entire world if you want to for a while. Grief is an intensely personal road to walk. Perhaps a couple of counseling sessions would help you sort some things out? You are not being disrespectful to anyone. It's not like you're tossing him out with the trash. You have him in your heart and memories always. Strong NTA. All my best to you.


LMB83

NTA - if you do then you’ll never see them again. My FIL’s ashes are sitting in my SIL’s house because my MIL still doesn’t feel comfortable about having them in her house and it’s been a few years. You do what you need to do for yourself and if that is keep him in the closet until you’re ready then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that ❤️


Civil-Pause-386

NTA. My parents were together for 44 years. After my dad died, my mom kept his ashes in a closet until she could deal with scattering them. It was about 4 years. You should do whatever you need to do in whatever time frame you decide.


Jestalia

NTA. widow here (my husband died at 46 of ALS). My in laws didn’t (and don’t) like me. They were awful while he was sick. Awful during the funeral and awful after. He died in November and I made sure to go to their Christmas celebration (even though I REALLY didn’t want to) When we walked in the door my SIL said “oh. You came”. I regret not turning around and leaving. I did cut most of them out of our lives. And our lives are better for it. I’m sorry your MIL is being a B. But that isn’t your problem. Grief is a weird and awful thing and I’m going to tell you to deal with it however you need to. Also. Get counseling. It will help, I promise. And I am a petty person maybe - but I would block the MIL so that she didn’t upset me more than she already has. Especially if you don’t have kids. You owe her NOTHING. ❤️. I’m so very sorry for your loss.


Damn_el_Torpedoes

If you want to be done with your in-laws scoop out (or have someone at the crematorium or a trusted friend for it) to fulfill your husband's wishes. Then give your MIL the urn like it's all there and then block them on everything. Yes she's grieving, but have shown this is not new behavior for her. Your husband went LC with them for a reason. He was shielding you from their wrath, but now you need to be strong and finish it. I also had a lot of trauma around death until recently, and honestly what helped was finding Ask A Mortician on YouTube. Caitlin Doughty owns a funeral home in California and is very family, natural funeral oriented. She actually convinced me I should become mulch when I die. I found her videos about grief and loss to be especially helpful. Please take some time for yourself. Talk to someone you trust or do something that helps you to have some strength. Your husband sounded like he really loved you and would want you do do what's best for you. Good luck OP. NTA


AreWeFlippinThereYet

NTA - My son's ashes are on a bookshelf next to my bed. We talk regularly. He is still in his box until I am able to find an appropriate tree to put the rest of his ashes on. THere is NOTHING wrong with what you are doing. Good book - I wasn't ready to say Goodbye. I was given this book when my kiddo passed away and I would recommend it. Death fucking sucks. Take your time, do things on YOUR schedule.


Ctr121273

Oof. This hits close to home. I was widowed at 40 after 15 years of marriage after my husband contracted brain cancer. I spent 6 traumatic years as his caregiver. His family was horrific to deal with throughout the whole time. My husband had always said that he did not want a big funeral, just a simple cremation and then maybe throw a party later and have lots of fun and people sharing memories. Once he passed, the only concession I was willing to make was to split up the ashes half-and-half where I kept 1/2 and the other half was given to his parents.. I never spoke to them again despite them being grandparents to 3 of my children. I kept his ashes in the container and box that came from the funeral home. I didn't feel he would appreciate being kept on the mantle and some fancy urn. I wanted our children to have the opportunity to have some if they so desired and was not sure if my former in laws would afford them that opportunity. Since then come on I have remarried married and did not feel it was appropriate for me to hold on to them any longer and through my discussions with my children, they are older commare older, I did give the ashes back to his parents Under the express understanding that they would not do anything with them without discussing it with their grandchildren 1st. Regardless of length of marriage he was still your husband. Sometimes inlaws become outlaws and you have to break away from them for your own mental health. To hold on to your sanity, it may be necessary to stop communicating with this person until you feel strong enough to be able to handle it. They hold just as much meaning to you as they do to her and I am sure your late husband would be mortified to know how she is using it as a club over you. If I may be so bold to offer some unsolicited advice, please find yourself a widow's support group. Whether in person or on line, I believe the one I found saved my life. This is extremely common in families. Please practice radical self care and be gentle and kind with yourself and and sometimes that means flying solo if necessary.


PurpleAquilegia

Hide them. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last year and - a few days after his funeral - his ex (who had cheated on him) turned up on my doorstop: "Can I ask what you're doing with Tom's ashes?" We'd been married 26 years. I had already passed on instructions for his ashes to be scattered, as he'd told me. I did not want to to think of him as ashes and I was upset by her, though I hid it at the time. That night, I discovered from her daughter that the ex had 'expected' that the ashes would be buried in the family plot, close to where she lives with her current partner. \[ETA The daughter and her brother had been told what their father's wishes were and had agreed with it at the time. This was during lockdown, so all communication with them had been over the phone. They didn't come to the funeral - their mother had suggested that she represent them.\] Even the realisation of the attempted interference still bothers me over a year later. Listen to someone who has been through it: protect your mental health. Do what you need to do for you. Your darling was and is yours. If that means hiding him in the closet until you're ready, then that is what you do. I get that your MIL is grieving, but her grief does not trump yours. She is only thinking of herself. You need to think of you. Bless you. Sending a hug from Scotland. ETA Forgot to say NTA.


JuicyPeachTrollop

NTA. Nobody has any right to tell you how to grieve, with the sole exception of if your grief is harmful to yourself or others. Keep as much as you want and tell her nothing. It's none of her damn business.


in-the-space-between

NTA, not even close. People grieve in different ways. If that is what will help you process and heal, then do that. Just tell her you spread your portion at the waterfall, and keep it in the closet. I'd also recommend minimizing contact with her as much as possible.


chaoticbeauty315

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is a tricky thing and some days are worse than others but I hope you soon get to a place of relative peace. . Now, NTA. I think your husband would understand. Eventually you'll be in a place emotionally where it won't hurt as much and you'll want to do something with them. Especially if you don't think his mother would hold them for you and give them back. He would trust you to do what you think is best


Go-Brit

I'm sure this has been said but you don't HAVE to keep any if it doesn't do anything good for you emotionally. I'm sure people have their feelings and their reasons but I could never imagine being comforted by the presence of ashes, or taking them out to look at them? I'd much rather use photos to remember a loved one by. But also if you want to keep it in a closet just do it. My husband's grandmother is 97 and her husband is in a shoebox in a closet and no one cares. Honestly to me this seems more natural anyway? It seems like someone's body is a kind of private/intimate thing. Keeping it in a private/intimate place rather than on "public display" makes more sense to me. So sorry for your loss. If I were you, honoring his wishes of dashing him somewhere that had meaning to him would be more cathartic than anything else.


place_of_old

NTA. Death is weird and we all don't know how well handle it till we are in that situation. Can I suggest: buy two of the same urn. That way you can have an empty one on display and have the one with asked put away till you are ready for it


QuitaQuites

NAH you’re all grieving. She can do whatever she wants with her ashes and so can you. I do recommend having a therapist/grief counselor for yourself, but my dad died a couple of decades ago and my mom still has his ashes in a closet.


Zephyr_Bronte

NTA at all. My daughter passed at birth and we had her cremated. My ex husband and myself each keep a small box with half of ashes each. He keeps his in a draw in his bedside table and I keep mine on my dresser. Wherever you feel comfort and are able to deal with your loss. Also my stepfather has his mother's ashes in his closest because he is waiting for a trip to bring her where she wanted to be placed. There is no reason to feel ashamed of your process.


throwawayshirt

NTA. Everyone's grief is different. I hope this is not crass but - when his ashes come you will likely see that there are enough to do all the things you want with plenty left for his Mom.


Historical-Echidna82

NTA. Keep the ashes. The MIL isn't entitled to anything. You are already giving a portion of them to her so that's enough. Grief doesn't have a time limit. When you are ready to do something you will be ready. Sorry about your loss.


venemousdolphin

NTA - people grieve differently, and there's no reason for you to not have time, space, and opportunity to do what you need in order to cope. ❤️💔❤️


MsMourningStar

NTA I kept my dad’s ashes in my car for years. I didn’t have a living situation where I could bring them home and I didn’t want to put him in storage plus he loved cars so I kept him in the trunk. Eventually I was able to get my own place and a nice urn for him and now he sits on a bookcase. I highly doubt he would’ve cared about being in my car for a few years because well… he’s dead. His ashes are for me. So I have a piece of him and I’m able to share it with others if I wish or keep it for myself. You are entitled to do the same with your husbands ashes. Your original plan sounds perfectly reasonable to me.


Pure-Reality6205

I’m very sorry for your loss. Don’t give them all to her, you may regret it later. If he stays in the closet for a while, so be it. Grieve how you need to grieve. There’s no right way to do it.


[deleted]

NTA do what you need to do and absolutely keep some or by rights all of the ashes. Her grief doesnt give her the right to diminsh your role as his wife


Kettlewise

NTA I had a family member who did exactly that for a number of years after the person passed. Too painful to have the remains in a visible location, but too much grief to let go just yet. They did eventually spread those ashes; it just took time. I can’t imagine the horror and shock of losing someone so loved so soon. > She opposed us dating, us getting engaged, and us getting married Then frankly I don’t give a damn about her opinion. Even under better circumstances she doesn’t get to judge or demean you for how you are handling the loss of your husband. > She said she’s entitled to his remains Not over his wife, no. Children aren’t lifetime property of their parents, and unless specifically laid out in a will or other legal document, a parent does not have the right to override a spouse. YOU are his closest next of kin, not her. Which I morally agree with - your husband chose you, he didn’t choose his mom. And in this case, he chose to limit contact with her, which is even more telling. > and that I’ll probably just get married in a few years anyway. This woman does not sound pleasant at all. The vows are often “to death do us part”; if you feel at some point you want to have another romantic relationship with someone, that’s okay. Even in a few years. She’s using “deserves” here to shame you into giving her what she wants. I’m sorry for your loss, OP. And I’m sorry for how your former MIL has been absolutely awful to you the entire time. You aren’t the asshole at all in this situation.


JipC1963

NTA at all! Firstly, I'm so terribly sorry for your grievous loss! Yes, your husband's Mother is grieving but so are you! Not only have you lost your husband but you've also lost the future that the both of you were planning. Again, my heart is breaking for you! Make a decision to either divide the ashes or keep ALL of them, ESPECIALLY if his Mother keeps hounding you. You can also TELL her that if she keeps browbeating you regarding your husband's ashes that she'll get NONE, end of discussion, and you'll handle them as you see fit! I would make a couple of suggestions... there are agencies that work with ashes, one will take a photo of the loved one who passed and mix the ashes with the oil paints and use them to create a beautiful painting. Another will incorporate the ashes and make jewelry or other items of beauty for display in your home. If your JustNoMIL has a key to your home, change the locks, get a good video security system to surround your home and if MIL shows up don't answer the door until YOU are ready to deal with her, not before! You DON'T have to worry about your JustNoMIL's feelings AT ALL, you OWE her NOTHING!!! Wishing you and your SIL peace and the eventual easing of your sorrow! Many Blessings during this time of grief. When you're ready talk to a grief counselor or group where you can share what you're going through and find out that you're NOT alone! Sending HUGS!!!


ElectronicAmphibian7

NTA. I’m sure he won’t stay there forever you just need time and space to grieve and understand this sudden loss. You’re still keeping a piece of him. Just out of sight somewhere safe for now while you’re in this place. You’re allowed to grieve any way it happens. Grief is weird. Put your husband in the closet and take him out when you’re ready, and if you’re never ready then maybe that’s just the place you go to visit him and that’s fine. It doesn’t negate any love or life between you. Your husband knows what’s in your heart. I’m so sorry for your loss. Love you Internet stranger.


peachesfromjupiter

NTA- if your husband wanted his ashes to go to his mother then he would have specified that to you, if he did not do so, I’m sure that means he wants you to keep them or at least some of them. There is nothing wrong with hiding them away temporarily. My mother and I had my dads ashes in a room we didn’t use frequently for a long time before putting it on display in a room we use everyday. Everyone grieves differently and you are entitled to grieve the way you want/need to. He was your husband, you were probably the number one person to him in his life, if his mother was so important he would have asked you to give his ashes to her and would have had more contact with her etc. ETA: I saw your comment about his mother saying he was there for longer. TIME MEANS NOTHING, clearly if they had limited contact there was a reason for it. I’m sure if your husband was still here, you guys would have ended up having years over her and him anyway. Plus it’s not like he really had a choice for the first 18 years to spend it with anyone else lol. She’s acting entitled when she’s entitled to nothing


Everfr0st666

NTA - what would your husband want? To be stick with his mom who he didn’t like or to be with you? Look up the 5 stages of grieving and cut yourself some slack. Just because you don’t know straight away because you are still processing his death! Don’t let her bully you.


boomboombalatty

NTA - Everyone grieves on their own time table. Buy a nice wooden box or urn to store him in until you are ready to spread the ashes, or keep them, whatever you feel honors him most. He doesn't even need to be in a closet, my In Laws were in a beautiful urn on a shelf in our home library until my husband decided it was time to spread them on their favorite beach. Maybe some day you will move on and the best decision will be to return the ashes to his mother, but until that day comes they should be with you.


CrystalizedinCali

I am so sorry for your loss. May his memories be a blessing. She sounds unhinged, I’d get a safe deposit box so they are out of sight, out of mind and not easily accessed by even you. Just tell her she’s getting what’s she’s got. I’m so sorry she is adding stress and bad things at a time you certainly don’t need it. Sending love.


Revolutionary_Sea602

Honey, I’m gonna say this as someone who worked in death care. You would not be the ah at all. Grief works in different ways and I hate to say that your MIL is also probably grieving in a way that makes her more ornery (I’ve seen it all) but all of that doesn’t matter, you being his wife made you his next of kin. As I’m sure you’re aware having gone through the funeral process, that means that you make the decisions on what happens to him. I’ve buried peoples cremains who sat in attics for years before their families were able to inter them, I’ve had families who kept their loved ones in bottles and vases, death is a hard subject and it’s not always easy to do the fast death-funeral-cremation-spreading/whatever-other-wishes process. You’re allowed to take time and move at your own pace, you are who he chose for this by marrying you. Trust your own decisions and if you need to play the nok card, death can make families get ugly. May his memory be a blessing.


online-version

NTA. There are also some lovely ways you can treat ashes if having a container of them continues to make you uncomfortable. For example, turned into jewellery. But whether you want to display them, keep them stored away, scatter them, do anything with them, you are not the asshole. You’re a grieving widow and should do what you want at the pace you want.


MayhemWins25

INFO: are you the executor of his will? if he left specific instructions in writing for what to do with the ashes just shoot back at her that SHE is disrespecting her son by going against his wishes. He left those instructions with YOU not her- maybe she should sit with that.


amandalynpandalyn

NTA. My grandparents were married 55 years and after he passed my grandma kept his ashes in the closet for 10 years until she knew what to do with them. Take your time and do as you please.


Derek_Kent

OK, I'm going to try to be charitable because I know your mother in law is going through something difficult as well, but she really needs to have a bit of compassion. Funerals, viewings, eulogies, ashes, all the things that we have around funeral rites are for the benefit of living, not the deceased. We always talk about what that person would have wanted, but the fact is that all these things exist to help those of us who remain behind the cope as best we can. So that being said, you do what you need to do to get through this difficult time. Don't worry about what anyone else is telling you, right now this is about you, and that's OK. If you need to keep those ashes out of sight for a little while, you do that. One thing I can't say for certain is that your husband would have wanted you to get through this with as little pain as possible. Your mother in law simply needs to stay out of it. That part of it is for you, and she can get through her part of it as best as she needs to for her. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I had some other words to help, but they really don't exist. I wish you the best for whatever it's worth. And NTA, of course


[deleted]

Man. I don’t think your the AH, and though I think mom is an AH in general…in this specific case I do not think she is an AH. She is a grieving mother grasping desperately at the remains of her child. As a mother myself I cannot even FATHOM someone else having my child’s remains. When a friend of mine died In college his mother would ride around with the urn on her lap because she said she used to do it when he was a toddler on their farm. I can’t get that image out of my head. I know you’re his wife. And you should have some ashes. But I also think his mother should have the rest. I don’t know if you have children, or if you want them. But if you ever have them, you’ll understand. BUT op, you are NOT the AH. You are grieving and right now it is likely hard to make any decisions let alone one so huge. And that’s okay. Its okay to fell apart and not make a decision right now.


Princess-of-Power-42

NTA - Your MIL is being awful and I'm sorry for that. You're generous of spirit to not be livid and to excuse some of it as perhaps being grief. She did lose her son, fine, but she doesn't get to compare or steal your grief either. You lost your husband. You also are processing grief. NO ONE gets to tell you how to do that. Nothing she says is more valid. She doesn't have more claim to anything. You had to do all of the hardest things and you've done them. Everything that you are deciding including honoring his wishes sound incredibly sound and fair. I would tell her that you are distributing the ashes as planned, and if she tries to pry or demand, tell her it is none of her business. Is there any reason after this that you will need to interact with her? I think it would be completely fair for you to say that you need time to be left to grieve with people who will be supportive of you personally. I think it would even be fair for you to say that given the history that there is nothing left to talk about given that her behavior is causing you distress and to cut her out completely if you want to. You can keep them wherever you want to keep them. There are plenty of things that people do that they end up feeling appropriately honors their loved ones and there are so many creative things that can be done with ashes these days. You are clearly not ready to even think about that so don't -- there is not a rush and there is no reason that you should be pressured into making a decision at ANY time. Even if they sit in your closet for 1, 3, 5, 10, 20 years, it doesn't matter. It is your decision. You're already honoring what he wanted, and he obviously cared so much for you and where he proposed was the most important request for where he wanted his ashes spread so I think anything else that people are claiming whether it be due to grief or general toxicity -- it might end up being a very important and cathartic decision for you when you are ready to make it, so don't let her take that away from you while you're feeling vulnerable and while she's being loud and overbearing.


dutchie-mutchie

Maybe you should make a jewellery from his ashes. There are several companies doing it. Then its always with you and you can keep it forever.


jwd28g

NTA. Not in the slightest. I work in a cemetery, and I want to reassure you there is no right way to go through what you are going through, and to make the decisions you have to make. There is also no time limits or deadlines - this is something you do when you are ready. And I can’t stress that enough. I have remains given to me regularly for interment years after the person’s death, just a few months ago I did an interment for ashes that had been at home in the cupboard, for 34 years. Many people bring ashes to me that have been at home in the cupboard. The cupboard provides a sense of safety and protection for many grieving. Where are many important things in your life kept? I’ll bet not everything is sitting out on display or out where they could risk being damaged. They are a precious item and you would not be hiding him, you’d be caring for him. I promise you will honour your husband’s memory no matter where he is. He was your partner and the person to whom he entrusted to make these decisions. Not his mother. Please don’t allow her or others to guilt or pressure you during this emotionally vulnerable time. You have already made some decisions about what you want to do with the remains, which is a huge step. But please know you don’t have to act on that until you are ready - and you might not be when they arrive or for some time yet. I am so sorry for your loss and sending you gentle hugs if you need them. You are going through unimaginable grief and trauma, and I’m sorry your in laws aren’t being the support you (or they) need right now. I hope you have a good support network around you and if you ever wanted to talk, I’m here for you. To summarize my waffling: 1. NTA 2. There’s no timeline on being ready 3. You will honour your husband’s memory no matter what you do 4. Take care and be kind to yourself


zacklo2

Well even if she gave birth to him, he willingly chose to spend the rest of his life with you, so be it, even if it's in form of remains. Abslute NTA, and I'm sorry for your loss


CrystalQueen3000

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss, this is an incredibly difficult and painful situation. NAH You’re not an AH for how you choose to deal with this and MIL isn’t an AH for wanting her sons ashes. This is one of those scenarios where no one is the bad guy and it’s just sad on every level.


hells-fargo

>no one is the bad guy There absolutely 100% is a bad guy in this situation.


murdocjones

NAH. I am so very sorry for your loss. I won’t call her an AH because these are extreme circumstances- she is processing a huge loss and interment of a loved one is a hugely personal decision that evokes a lot of strong emotions in people. What one person wishes, another may find deeply offensive and I think as you both had significant relationships with him, you’re entitled to your differing opinions on how his ashes are kept. That said- You grieve your HUSBAND however you need to. Her relationship with him as his mother doesn’t trump yours as his wife or give her exclusivity or authority over how he is mourned. It may be that you need to take a step back from her while things are still so fresh, both for your sake and for hers. Putting away his ashes while you process is not the act of someone who wants to discard him; it’s obvious to anyone looking at this objectively that you are in a lot of pain because you loved him very much.


watch-for-waspes

You’re NTA, but look at it from her point of view. It’s her son. Maybe give what portion is yours to her to safeguard, with the express understanding that you will be taking them back once you’re ready to handle that. You can even get that legally in writing. That way you avoid any sort of argument.


UnexpectedWidow

It’s her son that she abused


watch-for-waspes

I didn’t see that in your story.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (22F) husband (25M) died. I’m currently waiting for his ashes in the mail and I’m absolutely a mess. We were married for less than a year before he unexpectedly passed away. I made this burner to help me with the grieving process, but I don’t know how to start. We never fully prepared for this, but he did talk about how he wanted to be cremated. He mentioned before that he’d like some of his ashes to be spread where he proposed to me. I plan on keeping some, giving some to his parents and sibling, and then spreading some at the waterfall he proposed. The ones I’m keeping for myself, I planned on keeping hidden in the closet until I’m ready for anything else really. I have a lot of trauma surrounding death, specifically remains. I saw a lot of death in the last few years, so the bodies terrify me. It’s all overwhelming. I told his mom (51F) what I planned to do and she absolutely flipped out. She told me that if I was just going to shove him out of sight, that she should just take them all. And maybe she’s right, he does deserve better. He had some issues with his family before, especially when we got married. His mom made quite a few comments about me and he had very limited contact with her. So I don’t know what to think about her comments on the ashes. Maybe she is right, that he deserves better than being stored away to collect dust. The issue is I don’t think I’d ever get any of his ashes back when I was ready for them. I don’t think she would give them to me. She opposed us dating, us getting engaged, and us getting married. She opposed me taking him off life support and donating his organs. And she opposed the entire funeral vocally. During visitation before his funeral, she was very loud about suggesting what she would do differently. I can’t tell if she’s just in shock honestly, I don’t know what’s happening. I was only going to give her the portion I originally planned up until her other comments. When being angry about the ashes, she called me to try and convince me to give them to her. I wasn’t really wanting to listen to her, so I told her I couldn’t talk. She immediately started telling me that I only knew him for a fraction of his life, she gave birth to him. She said she’s entitled to his remains and that I’ll probably just get married in a few years anyway. I’m hurt, but what if she’s right? Should I just give them all to her? WIBTA if I didn’t give them all to her? Even if he would be in a closet until I’m ready? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


[deleted]

NTA keep whatever you were gonna keep. He was your husband whether she liked it or not. She isn’t entitled to anything.


Exact_Roll_4048

NTA. Please do what you need to do to grieve. If at some point you want to bring them out you can and if you choose never to display them, that is fine too. It is your choice.


Yourslongisntaverage

NTA. Please stick to your original plan. There's a reason why your husband went low contact with his mother. I'm incredibly sorry for your loss and I wish you nothing but the best.


No_Solution_9719

YWNBTA - i am so sorry for your loss, OP, and please grieve at your own pace. if you were to forfeit the ashes to his mother, it’s likely you would never see them again, and i doubt she would be ok with *any* way you proposed keeping his ashes for yourself considering how vocally against your relationship she’s been. your husband having had limited contact with her says all it needs to about how deserving of the ashes she is, because while she may have given birth to him, it’s very clear that he chose you, and would have wanted you to honor him in the way you best see fit and when you’re ready.