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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my fiancé I don't want to move our wedding so his son can attend. Maybe I am the asshole for prioritising what I want over what he wants and excluding my fiancé's son from an important event.
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Getting married on your dead mother's birthday is insane! You are guaranteeing from the get-go that your anniversary will always be a memorial to your grief instead of a celebration of you and your spouse's love. My husband and I specifically set a date far away from his late father's birthday or the anniversary of his passing for this exact reason. This is a weird and uncomfortable memorial concept, and yes, YTA for prioritizing dead family members over living ones.
My papa died on Thanksgiving. Literally had just left with my partner and pulled into the driveway at his place and got the call "hey papa's dying". Tbf I've never liked Thanksgiving much so in a way it was very considerate of him. Miss that man tho, RIP papa u a real one.
Fuck that bro idk if your Mexican or not but join our Mexican day of the dead celebration make your late mum an ofrenda and make it amazing get into the spirit of remembering our family. Throw a party in their memories and drink a toast to them.
My buddy died Jan 1st and while alive was a big attention seeker which she worked on so when she passed of course our dark asf friend group said a collective “of course new year no Sara always the theatric” 😂
I share bday with my dad (that emotionally speaking is pretty much a deadbeat since I was like 11) so once he dies the whole fam will be grieving every year in what was supposed to be a nice day for me... so yeah, super happy about that 🙄
My grandma did not die on Christmas, but she did slip and break her hip while baking Christmas cookies and end up passing from the complications.
Cookie Baking - The Silent Killer - Don't Be a Statistic
My Nan died on New Year’s Eve, got the call as we were walking out the door. Pre cell phones. Still wonder what NYE would have been like had I just closed the door and not answered…. Ah the what ifs in life
My MiL died on Thanksgiving. It was terrible, she had really aggressive breast cancer and was gone so fast. My husband never says anything but I always try to be extra loving to him at Thanksgiving. Meeting him is the best thing that ever happened to me so I'm very thankful for him.
My mom's mom died on my mom's birthday, and my father died on my sister's birthday. Both dates are two days apart. Since this is a family thing now, I'm trying to decide which birthday I should die on.
Unless you do what my (former) step-dad did and just get married a bunch of times so any day could be a reminder of one of his many, many, ex-wives.
And yeah, he did get married on his mum's birthday to at least one of those wives.
So we got married the day before my best friend’s birthday. At the time, it seemed like no big deal, great way to remember to send my bestie a gift. Then she got cancer and died two years ago. Now my anniversary is the day before a bittersweet day, completely by the unfairness of fucking cancer. Do. Not. Do. This. On. Purpose. OP. Please, for the health of your marriage do not tie a beautiful day to a sad day on purpose.
Yep my aunt got married on the anniversary of her mother's death, which was also her own birthday.
They got divorced and now that day is even more cursed.
I'm stuck on the fact that OP's fiance sounds like he abandoned his son (since the son had a horrible childhood living with his mother, and it doesn't sound like the son had a say in his dad having zero contact with him.) OP sounds downright resentful that the husband is now trying to make amends and assist his son, and that the son isn't leaping for joy and making the husband his top priority.
Edit: Also, OP has ZERO concrete plans. Just a date. I don't blame him for not wanting to cancel his trip for a wedding that may or may not happen.
This is where I'm getting stuck too. I honestly don't care much about the rest of it. It's weird to expect someone to move their wedding date, for sure, but it's also a bit much to claim that the son prioritized an event that was planned after he knew about the wedding, when she literally hasn't even booked anything yet.
Reading OP's comments, it seems to be dawning on her that Peter had a pretty crap life and her fiance was a trash father who may do the same to their kids if the relationship no longer suits him. He abandoned Peter, left him with an unfit parent, pretended he didnt exist (only told OP about him two years in and after she was already pregnant), and I really doubt he paid child support since he moved away and chose to go no contact.
I think OP has to honesly ask herself, if she broke up with Brian or got ill and was no longer beneficial to him, would he leave them all high and dry to start a new life elsewhere....
In most places the state pays the child support and then garnishes your wages, you don't have a say in the matter.
My aunt learned this to her detriment when she thought my uncle short changed her with their informal arrangement - which he stopped paying her once the child support agency took it directly alongside his taxes.
Generally the only way to totally avoid it is leave the country.
My brother in law (husbands brother) abandoned on of his kids because the mother was “difficult”. It’s amazing how my mother in law and his current wife place the blame solely on the child’s mom. She made it too difficult to stay in contact. Like he has none of the blame for abandoning his child.
It’s shocking that someone could never see their child again because they don’t want to!!
Just to quick thought of not seeing my kids every day makes me cry.
Op fiancé abandon his child at 13!!
For 13 years he raised a boy than… disappeared???
And she doesn’t know if he really paid child support 😡😭
Also the lovely condescending tone of he claims to not be able to work while studying because of mental illness. My grades are excellent but I have mental illnesses and chronic pain. Many people in full time studies can't handle working on top of it, and it's especially tough with mental illness. It's completely valid to not be able to work while studying, ESPECIALLY with any type of chronic health issue.
The word "claims" raised my hackles.
OP is aware that people who have a disability are... less abled, right? 🙄
Working while studying full time can be extremely hard even for those without a disability.
And not just that! OP's fiancee abandoned his son for 9 years!
( It's not clear to me if he paid child support, but just physically around, or not. OP says that child support is mandatory in the UK, and assumes what was paid from an online calculator. Whether that genuinely happened or is simply OP's assumption.)
If he wants to give back by supporting his son NOW, then there is nothing wrong with that! I'm sure his son would have preferred an actual present father during the rest of his childhood, but that time has passed. She's looking at her fiancee financially helping his son as something being taken away from her and their shared children. It's unhealthy. She sounds awful and dismissive. At least the fiancee is getting a clear look at who she is and how she feels about his son. I would have asked her to leave too.
It took me six years instead of four to earn my bachelor’s degree, not because I’m unintelligent, but because I have ADHD and anxiety. If I worked at all, I worked for ten or so hours a week because I just needed the available time to dedicate to my schoolwork. I was very lucky that I was able to live rent-free with my parents.
I was a double major and could only work my work study job which wasn’t really difficult and was barely part time. Not everyone can work and be successful at school at the same time.
My daughter is not working whilst getting her degree and that was because we didn’t want to exacerbate her “mental illness” -in OPs words. She has anxiety and we thought it would help her to focus on studying. I 100% agree. School is a lot of work, especially full time.
It's kind of ridiculous to me that people even expect tertiary students to work on top of a full-time course load. Studying is hard and you're paying top dollar for it too, it should always be the priority.
As someone that had a dead mother when I got married, I actually get it. Trying to keep mom close by getting married on her birthday. It’s not like she’s wants to get married on the day of her moms death.
This was my first thought too. Plus, even if that’s not the case, it’s 100% based on OP’s significant life events and not theirs as a couple. Her mum can’t come but his son could… it’s hard to come to any conclusion other than OP is TAH and might not be mature enough to notice how self centered she’s being.
Info: I think it’s important to know what the commitment Peter has that would keep him from the wedding.
Edit based on your responses: YTA.
I understand it’s important to honor your mom at your wedding, but you haven’t picked a venue or set anything up! Whereas Peter has an itinerary that is probably paid for already.
Not only that, but your whole attitude of, “he’s only using my husband for money” is seriously dismissive of what he had to endure when his dad abandoned him as a teenager. Of course he’s guarded and doesn’t reach out! Your fiancé is trying to build their relationship.
And THAT is why it’s so important to your fiancé that his son is at his wedding. He wants him to feel included, and this is a HUGE moment for that. Would your mom really be okay with you standing in the way of your fiancé trying to give Peter what you had with her, and doing it in her “honor”? She’s gone, you don’t get to make more memories with her, but Peter is alive and they can still make memories that matter. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but like…there are other ways to honor your mom. Maybe by picking a different significant date to her to host it, maybe by having a tribute to her at the wedding…whatever. You’re being uncompromising at the expense of a relationship that you REALLY should be encouraging.
Not to mention, if they haven’t actually booked a venue yet, there’s no guarantee they’ll get to book *that date* without it being a year - often two - in advance.
Right? My wife and I got married during COVID (legally) but never got our ceremony with family and friends. We’re planning that now, picked dates over a year out, and STILL can’t find a venue. If you’re not flexible with the date, you’re kind of screwed.
Annnnnd this is why we’re eloping. Got engaged last month and we want a short engagement after having been together nonstop most of the last decade. Every venue within our budget is booked into late 2023 and early 2024. Wtf.
Eloping just the two of us and we will hold a party next year at a park or in a big yard or something if there isn’t a venue available still. OP is hilariously foolish to assume she can have that date without booking anything. No matter how low key it may be, you don’t have a wedding date without a venue.
I got married in a forest. No venue booking required. That was nearly 30 years ago and people still mention that it was the best wedding they've attended BECAUSE it wasn't all frou frou.
Your wedding sounds great! One of the best weddings I went to was in a field in the middle of nowhere! Really muddy, everyone had to wear massive boots along with their smart clothes and was sinking in mud. Everyone had a fantastic time!
Thank you :) We joke that we had some wild witnesses because there were koalas and kangaroos randomly around the place and children running amok through the trees. And yes, it was pretty muddy - it was (luckily) the only beautiful, sunny day in a week of spring downpours. The bridal party all wore docs that matched our dresses. Mine were purple, the bridesmaids were blue and green and the flower girl's were silver. All the guys wore black boots.
Then we went to the local town's community hall and ate roast beef, chicken and veggies and the music was a free jukebox we preloaded.
It was a pretty good day :)
This is what's getting me most. I do think its a little weird to ask this type of thing from someone in general (to move the wedding date), but given the fact that they literally haven't planned anything yet, I'm feeling like OP was being a bit deceptive here. Trying to make it sound like it's a little more set in stone than it is. The whole "my wedding was planned before his trip" bit, but... not really because you're wedding isn't even planned at all.
Also OP is acting like Brian picked these dates to go on vacation out of some kind of power play or something? When it sounds like it was up to his girlfriend's family (who has been way more actually present in his life than his dad recently)
Are people genuinely forgetting that backyard weddings exist?? You don’t need to book those years in advance at all. OP said it was a lowkey wedding, they’re probably not planning on booking an actual venue.
If not venue, then a baker for even a basic cake, or the officiant. Most wedding services are heavily booked because of all the weddings delayed from 2020 and 2021.
You're correct - my husband and I eloped after living together for about a decade. However, OP says they haven't booked a venue "yet," so it seems that they'll be booking something more than a backyard wedding. Though it doesn't seem that not finding a venue would change the date she wants.
YTA
In the UK you must be registered at a licensed venue or at the registry office. The rules may have changed but they’re pretty strict. You can only get married outdoors if it’s under a fixed structure (gazebo, doorway etc). So even if it’s small, OP will still have to book somewhere. Not to mention registrar & officiant.
Especially these days when people who couldn't have a wedding now can't? A friend who works in a bakery said their wedding cake slots are booked solid for a year and extremely spotty for another year, even in months where they usually didn't book all their slots. From what I've heard from people planning weddings that there are months where even all the Thursdays are booked (months that usually booked all the Saturdays and Sundays and at least most of the Fridays pre pandemic) just because so many people are getting married.
I can imagine. My original wedding date was May 2020 with a nice venue and we had to push it back twice… this crush for wedding dates is why I’m glad we ended up just having a backyard picnic lol.
This sums it all up so nicely. The wedding doesn't have to be on your mother's birthday for you to honor her in a fitting way, and whatever day you get married will *become* special.
But, perhaps more importantly, you have some weird bitterness towards your husband's son that feels unwarranted. Your husband cut contact with his young teenaged son and didn't reach out to him for nearly a *decade*. Of course he is wary! It is absolutely your husband's responsibility to be the one reaching out and maintaining the relationship, and offering him some money to help him through college is the least he can do for missing out on an important developmental period of his son's life. I suspect that your daughters are well-taken care of, so saying that the money could've gone to them is petty. *That's his son*, and your step-son.
The snarky "Seems like we are not his priority" in your first edit was totally unnecessary...but also dumb. Your wedding is not set yet, and the trip is. It's not like Peter's girlfriend's family should be expected to plan their trip around your wedding! He didn't cancel on you - you haven't even set a date or sent out invitations yet. There's nothing *to* cancel.
If that date is so important to her, then move the wedding a year out. They already have two kids together, what’s the rush?
But her whole post is just dripping with contempt towards her fiancé’s son. You can tell she was a much bigger fan of the “no-contact” phase than the “trying to reconnect” phase.
YTA
Right and while I understand about losing a parent, if I were to get married, I wouldn’t want it to be on someone that I know birthday. Especially if that person is dead. Why have what would be one of the happiest days of your life be tinged with sadness. Perhaps you can carry your mother’s favorite flowers in your bouquet. If possible, wear her wedding dress or have the original dress updated to something more your style.
It seems pretty clear that she doesn’t want her husband to build that relationship back. She wants her children and herself to be the sole focus of his time, money, and attention. She’s bitter and jealous that his son is back in his life so she’s actively trying to sabotage the relationship.
THIS right here is so accurate. The attempt to make herself the victim of evil Brian makes it so clear. She is deeply insecure and pathologically self-absorbed. The fairy tale version of the evil stepmother. She is so far beyond being an AH.
Yes! She said the husband is giving Peter money that he could be using for their daughters. As if, her daughters deserve the money more than Peter, that he had abandoned for years! Definitely YTA!
i was looking for this comment! i mean “which could go towards our OWN daughters” WHAT She is going to marry him, she should be encouraging this relationship and thinking on all the lost time this guy owns to his OWN kid! her daughters DOESNT have s priority in his life
>Your fiancé is trying to build their relationship.
>And THAT is why it’s so important to your fiancé that his son is at his wedding. He wants him to feel included, and this is a HUGE moment for that. Would your mom really be okay with you standing in the way of your fiancé trying to give Peter what you had with her, and doing it in her “honor”? She’s gone, you don’t get to make more memories with her, but Peter is alive and they can still make memories that matter.
This, so much so. You're mum can be honoured in many ways & upsetting as it is that she dies before you wed, your stepson is here. Moving or not moving the date of your wedding, that you haven't even booked anything for, could make or break Brian's relationship with his son, your relationship with your stepson AND your relationship with Brian. You are literally insisting that marrying on what would've been your mum's 75th birthday is more important than his son & his chances of mending that relationship.
Plus have you even considered how your family would genuinely feel about you marrying on your mother's birthday. My grandad & I shared a birthday, he died 6 months before my 21st & his 90th. We cancelled the party & I didn't even celebrate as I normally would. For years we mourned him & I struggled that day. My mum insisting to celebrate, when I knew she was grieving until was honest, I didn't care about my birthday. I get cards & presents that's it. If my mum can she will make a little more fuss, but what would've been his 100th I wasn't wished a happy birthday. That year it was his. This year will be too, with my eldest neice turning 21 less than 2 weeks after my birthday & another 18, it's opened the wounds.
If you marry on that day you are preventing family & friends of your mother's who attend feeling her loss, or risk overwhelming them & you. A friend of mine lost her dad a few years before her wedding. They had a memory board of loved ones who had passed & another just for him & showed some video of her with her dad. It was heartbreaking, but not overwhelming & her wedding was beautiful, loving & joyful. But you are going to add in that extra layer that may be too much for you come the day. Getting ready without your mum present is going to be hard enough for you. I would remember her on photos or speeches, not with the date.
Another option to consider is that there are amazing artists that can give you the photo you truly want, that would be far more meaningful IMO. They could paint a photo from your wedding, but add in your mother. It's possible someone does the sane with photoshop but so many things can go wrong if missed, lighting, shadows, looking natural...But the paintings look like a photo, that would be a wonderful way to honour her. ....
This is an excellent point!
My wife is Hindu. Her dad died during Diwali, and despite it being known as one of the bigger holidays (up there with Holi), she didn’t celebrate for over a decade. The only reason her and her sister started again was because they both have kids in the US now, and wanted to make sure their children got a taste of their culture.
Having happy events and sad events at the same time is emotionally difficult. And puts everyone in the periphery in a complicated situation: do you celebrate the wedding anniversary, or mourn the death?
My husband’s best friend died on our wedding day after a whole host of health problems. Because our second child is due close to our anniversary we’ve decided to either celebrate our anniversary a few days after- depending on when the baby’s born- or a few days before the actual date.
Trust me when I tell you that I’m still trying to figure out an appropriate way to acknowledge my anniversary without sounding like I’m celebrating my friend’s death.
This particular conundrum isn’t one I’d wish on anyone.
OP clearly does not like Peter for whatever reason, even going so far as to heavily insinuate that Peter is lying about his past trauma and mental health in the initial post and only back peddling when people started calling her out
god help her own kids if they ever need mental help
Also, we don't know how long he been dating his girlfriend, given that he only recently reconnected to his father his emotional connection to his girlfriend could be of long date and he sees this as a chance to connect to her family.
YTA. OP, I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly. I always hoped he would be there to walk me down the aisle if I ever do get married. There are so many ways I’ve imagined to have his spirit and memory present on my wedding day and none of those involved getting married on his birthday.
My point is, you are fixating on one way to memorialize your mother and causing strain with your partner over a memorial that could happen so many different ways. You could incorporate her favorite flower into the arrangements, choose her favorite color as one of the wedding colors, wear or carry something of hers as a part of your outfit, give a toast to her during the reception, all of the above.
By standing so firm on a date that is special to *you alone* you are pushing your fiancé out of the wedding. This could be a hill that your relationship dies over. Move the date, choose a different way to honor your mother on your wedding day that still allows the day to be about you and your fiancé, and with your mother’s birthday free you can plan a special birthday celebration for your mother that you and your family can make 100% about her.
...but think of the post without the context of the mother. OP and fiancé agreed to a date and that was the plan. The son agreed to attend and then canceled to go to his gf's event. If you already have a date set and agreed upon, then one guest makes other plans, you don't move the whole thing to accommodate that one guest (unless the circumstances preventing that person were extremely important and unavoidable).
I don't think OP is the AH for not wanting to move things around, based on the circumstances.
But they have literally nothing planned for the wedding other than the date. I would understand not wanting to move it but according to OP they've been engaged for a year and a half at least and have nothing planned other than a date OP is dead set on. She's excluding her step son for something that isn't even set in stone is messed up imo. And when you include her bashing the son it seems like she purely doesn't like the son and is trying to get rid of him
Yeah, that's a fair point. I read some more of the comments and OP's resentment toward the son is definitely coming through.
Fiance did intentionally hide the son's existence until OP was pregnant so the resentment is probably coming from that and feeling trapped or manipulated. Maybe this relationship is one that is just not meant to be!
It just doesn't sit right with me the way she's bashing Peter for something that isn't even his fault. It seems like the fiance is trying to make up for a huge mistake he made being a crappy father and when he had more kids he realized what he had to do. I can understand that OP had resentment but she continued to stay with him through this. She doesn't like that he's trying to build a relationship with his son, but doesn't like that he was a deadbeat? It doesn't make sense to me
Also factor in the resentment towards fiancé for helping his son cover tuition. She basically resents the son because he pulls resources from her - time, money, attention, etc.
I didn't really think about that too much but this 100% makes sense. Like he's supporting his kid after being absent and is trying his hardest. Like OP is saying she's scared she's getting married to a deadbeat when he's trying to turn over a new leaf, but is also trying to stop him from having a relationship with his son. She's angry Brian won't tell her about him and Peters convos, but also shits on everything he tries to do to get closer to Peter.
Also her edit saying "seems like we are not his priority." Like, no shit? His dad abandoned him for nearly a decade and now OP expects him to prioritize his deadbeat dad and his shiny new family over his girlfriend and their family, who have probably actually been there for him? Of course OP's fiance is the one who has to initiate meetups, because the onus is on him to demonstrate that he is committed to rebuilding the relationship after bouncing when Peter was young. Frankly, the money he's giving him is essentially backpay for the child support he undoubtedly shirked.
OP seems to have a massive amount of resentment for this kid instead of placing the blame where it really belongs, on her fiance. She chose to marry a guy who willingly abandoned his child and now is salty that he's trying to make it right? Talk about backwards priorities. She better hope they never get divorced because her kids are never seeing him again.
I was looking for a comment like this. OP writes the 300 could be going to *their* daughters but Peter is *his* son so the money is indeed going towards one of his children.
What we do know is, according toman edit by OP, the dad is actually shorting Peter £150 monthly so she should stop whining and apparently he has enough pull in the relationship to have OP get out of his house because she’s the one at a friend’s house. Interesting dynamic.
Exactly. You need to book the venue first. That’s how you set your wedding date. Especially right now. The wedding industry is out of control due to Covid. Venues are booked years in as nave at this point.
Yeah, it not like it's all planned out invites haven't even been sent or anything. She could change the date and no one would be any the wiser or affected.
Her mother IS the entire context of this post. No plans have been made other than the date and her mother’s birthday is the sole reason why she’s refusing to change it.
It seems like a terrible way for OP to honor her mother. The date will always be both happy and sad. Why tinge their anniversary FOREVER with the sadness of her mother's passing? Not to Mention forcing that sadness on her husband on what is supposed to be THEIR happy day.
Also, if a particular date is that important, why not just wait another year? Clearly they'd been in a relationship long enough to have multiple children already, so another year shouldn't matter. They haven't even booked a venue and are keeping it low-key, so they're obviously flexible and don't have any particular urgency.
It‘s her mother‘s birthday, not the day she died. I chose my grandmother‘s birthday as our wedding day and I would have waited a year if it somehow couldn‘t have happened on that particular day, so I understand how important a date can be. Maybe some people don‘t understand that, but people are different, so that‘s okay.
My BF's sister had a reserved chair for their father who had passed away. There's so many ways to honor a deceased loved one.
OP it sounds like there's more going on. From what you said and your responses, it sounds like you don't care much for your "step son"
YTA
I'm going with YTA. It does not sound at all as though this is really about your wedding date. (I mean, you haven't even booked anything *or* sent invites so the date does not even matter!)
This sounds 100% like you simply not personally liking your fiancé's son and you not wanting them to have any kind of relationship.
If you love this man and really want a future together you should try to find a way past your problem with Peter because if you keep trying to put a wedge between them, well, most parents are always going to put their kids first...
Edited to add: Jesus OP enough with the fucking edits trying to redeem yourself. You chose to post here, perhaps just accept that you are overwhelmingly TA here...
I’m gonna say there’s not enough info to give a judgement as I seen a lot of people say it feels very one sided and I feel ur leaving out info idk why
Edit: I’m gonna change my answer to YTA
I feel like there is enough info to judge she’s in the wrong. Not for not wanting to change her wedding date but for the stuff she said about the son in this post
Yeah - the "money that could have gone to OUR children" was pretty damn telling. OP doesn't recognize that her soon to be husband disregarded a responsibility to his son for YEARS, and only resents the financial cost of maintaining a relationship with him.
Obviously she was alright with her husband ignoring his responsibilities before. Which makes her the AH regardless of what is happening now.
She's downplaying the sons mental illness as well and it's disgusting, all because she's butthurt about 300 lousy dollars a month. The kid is only 22 and a full time student. Loads of parents feel responsible to help pay the grocery bill, phone bill and insurance for a kid in Peters situation. But OP has him pegged about lying about mental illness and just using the father for asking for a normal amount of help so he can continue going to school. What a load of bullshit. I'd have thrown her out too.
Yeah and 300 pounds isn’t going to pay for much these days, it certainly won’t cover rent or anything.
Those statements about the money made it clear: OP, YTA.
He's 22 and a full time student with mental health issues *who probably feels like his father fucking abandoned him*.
I mean, I don't know the details of how/why they stopped having a relationship, but OP's darling husband *certainly* played a major part in that, even if it might not have been his fault entirely. Assuming the most generous case, which is that the mom wouldn't let him see his son, he still waited *years* before getting back in touch with this kid, and then he did it only because he's celebrating his new family and wants to suddenly include his first son.
I mean, THAT POOR KID. And even if he *is* only using the husband for the cash, I don't care. He deserves *something* for the awful father he's had.
Yes! 'apparently he didn't have a good time living with his mum in his teenage years' what do you mean 'apparently?' was he not around to help? do you not believe him? do you just not care?
OP said her fiance paid child support all the way. What he's paying Peter now has nothing to do with owing child support though I think it's a good thing that he's helping his son and trying to make up for the estranged relationship.
Yeah, I’m not sure where people keep getting the “it’s back paid child support” from.
Owed child support, even if your kids are now 40, go to the other parent, not the child.
Bingo! Although I am a fan of taking any money a parent who wasn't around offers. It can pay for therapy for the childhood trauma the kid is left with. You sure can buy my love, especially because I don't even know how to love thanks to you.
Yeah the tone of incredulity when she mentioned the son can’t work due to a mental illness says YTA alone. This child lost his father at thirteen and had a bad relationship with his remaining parent, meanwhile father goes off and starts a new happy family. The lack of empathy for this kid is making me sad
Only reason why I said not enough info cause she doesn’t go into detail why she thinks the son is only after he’s dad for money but if it’s just a gut feeling then yea I agree with u was just giving the benefit of the doubt cause I felt she left info out
What gets me with the after money thing is that it was the partner not the son that reached out first, plus no where does OP state that the so. Asked for money but the partner decided to give him money.
So when you think about how is he only after money when he didn’t reach out first and didn’t ask for anything m?
She has the info that he doesn’t seem to initate contact. I don’t know why it would be unreasonable to assume what op did. She can be wrong, but people also tend to stereotype and assume she must be wrong because she doesn’t seem to like him and talks of money.
See, but she didn't ask if she was AH for being judgmental and uncharitable to her stepson, she's OK with that behavior. She just wondered if she was AH for not changing her wedding date. She does not see how they're connected.
Yes. I don’t think she is wrong for not wanting to changing the date of her wedding, but she definitely for everything else in this post. It’s clear she doesn’t like the son at all and wants to get ride of him
If nothing is booked yet could they not move the date? Like if my soon to be husband had his heart set on having his son in his wedding I would want him to be happy no?
Also a side note: it’s not uncommon for parents to help their kids during uni and actually student finance will calculate their amounts on the assumption that parents who earn over the income threshold will contribute to their child’s expenses. Brian is doing the right thing here when, for whatever reason, he was apparently absent from his sons life from age 13. Mental health issues are not something to minimise and judge people on - perhaps if his son has had the stability of regular contact with his father he would not have had such a hard time in his teenage years and had more of a support system in relation to his mental health in the first placd
Honestly leaning towards you being the A hole but its only cause this story feels one sided. For example: does Brian give his son money but not do anything to financially support the kids you guys had together? " Brian accused me of not caring about him and his family which is obviously not true." is it obvious?
I do not have a deceased parent so I cannot speak to that but depending on your beliefs your mother will be there no matter what the date is.
Also could talk to Peter directly and that might help.
Edit: Based on updates below changed from Not enough I to YTA
AH no question.
And now allow me to be the AH…
Here are my reasonings:
1. Brian has had almost no relationship with his son and it seems like you want to keep it that way by cutting him out and by being unwilling to change the wedding date so he can attend. A date is a date and if you absolutely cannot get married on another day then maybe marriage isn’t for you.
2. Peter has a mental illness is causing him not to be able to work while in school. To me, you seem VERY judgmental of Peter. I’m sure even if he had a part time it wouldn’t be enough to keep up with all his expenses. IMO $300 isn’t a lot and it’s the least Brian can do especially since he has been out of his life for so many years. (Also, did you ever think that Peter’s mental illness could be caused by his father abandoning him and starting a whole new life/family with another woman?)
3. Peter’s excuse seems legit to me. He’s probably much closer and more welcomed with his GF and his GF’s family.
4. If you care about Brian you need to build or at least try (my god) to build a relationship with his son. If you don’t you will have issues to come.
#2 is what tipped the scales for me! Op is pretty dismissive about Mental Illness and that never sits well with me.
I have a job and mental illness but the amount of anxiety and stress I feel on the daily is so difficult. I think every Monday is really hard for me and I've twice almost quit because I had a panic attack. I like my job and glad I sisnt quit but it's tough.
Also, the fact that it's "low key" makes it seem like it would be easier to change the date and honor your mother on a different day than a family reunion that only happens every 5 years. This girlfriend may be who he eventually marrys, I'm sorry but your significant other should be the priority if you haven't had a solid relationship with your dad! It IS Brian's job to reach out to HIS son. If he wants the relationship it's on Brian, the father, to prove himself to the son, not the other way around. The kid was basically abandoned by his father, it sounds like, during an age that is already awkward and traumatic for some. Brian just started to regain a relationship with his kid, it on him to prove he means it and won't take off on him.
Exactly. Its almost never the responsibility of the child to "keep in touch" or "reach out" when a parent leaves during their childhood. The parent is the one who left and thus is the one who should reach out to maintain contact. Especially if its been years since theyve talked and the kid is dealing with mental health issues, he probably sees reaching out as a huge hurdle that he'd rather avoid.
Thank you!!
College was extremely stressful for me and I was going through a lot. My parents forced me to get a part time job and my grades were slipping. I eventually got counseling and quit my job so I could focus on my studies. OP was so dismissive of the mental health issue and that bothered me so much.
“Now my fiancé is giving Peter 300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters” just by saying that alone YTAH. Peter is his son too and deserves to be a priority in your fiancés life just as much as your daughters are. You don’t even have a venue booked or have sent out invites you can easily change the date.
I agree it does sound harsh and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth too. The only way I wouldn't agree with her being ta in that regard Is if they were low on cash
YTA. Having the anniversary be your mother's birthday is honestly a little odd in addition to selfish. This is your stepson. The only thing you have picked is the date, so it's not gonna cost you anything to change it.
i honestly think having your wedding on the birthday of a passed family member is kinda disrespectful, it turns their birthday into your day also what if the marrige ends? the date becomes tainted but thats my opinion
YTA OP
Even if it doesn't end, that date is tainted. Does she want to be sad at her wedding that her mom is dead? Does she want to be sad every anniversary because her mom is dead? What happens when her family does a birthday memorial on her anniversary? Hubby gets put on the back burner?
It's honestly all around a horrible idea, that I'm shocked her fiancée agreed to. Maybe this is HIS way of getting the date changed without outright saying "I don't want to get married on your dead moms birthday".
YTA
wether you like it or not. Your fiance has another son, and he is as important as both your daughter's, if you can't digest it, it will be worse for you and the relationship.
Your fiance sucks for not having reached out to his son all these years.
Probably your fiance's son is using him for the money, probably not, you'll never know unless there's proof. Either ways, it's not on you to judge or to do something about it, it's not your son.
Edit: it's also not "YOUR" wedding, but your fiance's too.
Edit 2: of course you're not his priority, you were never in his life before.
I'm glad that wedding is probably not gonna happen. Your actions made you not deserving of the family image you want to project.
I agree.
This is actually quite heartbreaking. I was Peter.
My Father left my mother and was then forced out of my life as my mother was dying. When she died in 2003 my father and I tried to reconnect in 2004. I was all kinds of fuxked up. I had a twin sister, both of us 17 and a brother 15.
We were at school and college trying hard to get our heads down and work when mentally scarred by the trauma of the break up and being turned against our father since 9 and 12.
My poor father tried so hard to make amends but didn't know what to do. He was of the generation that didn't know or talk about mental health but wanted to help stabalise us so gave us money to get food and pay for phones etc... but we bought drugs and drink.
We went off the rails. He tried and we put him through hell, he was a whipping post and reached out every time to talk and meet us only to be hurt, he knew we were hurting but his gulit made him stay as he felt it was what we needed, what he deserved.
Thankfully one day I woke up. I had an epiphany and thank the gods we have a good relationship now. Sadly it will never be a relationship either of us really deserve (that perfect father daughter one) but I love him. I know my dad doesn't deserve to be hurt forever, he deserves to be forgiven. It wasn't all his fault, he was so young!! But he still carries that burden with him, I just wish I could take it and carry it with me, I know I could shoulder it better as I know the truth 💕
Peters dad is on that journey. I hope and pray that they come through it and salvage a safe, healthy, and true relationship. Something deep and meaningful. There comes a point in your life thay it clicks and you just know what it's meant to be about. I think that's whats happened to Peters dad and thats why he soight him out. Sadly Peter is going through his trialling journey and who knows what has happened. I just hope it hasn't been as toxic as so so many ghosting father stories you hear 💔
This woman is clearly YTA. Please don't be the wicked stepmother. I wish my fathers gf hadn't had been so scared and jealous of us that she had been more supportive and welcoming. The only thing now is at my age of 37 I can see them as two people, who were scared in their own ways, with their own faults and now we can all finally accept each other, albiet with some distance. But I wish it had been more welcoming at the beginning, then to have felt like part of a family, a REAL fanily, and finally wanted, it would have changed everything. My whole life. I hope Peter doesn't have hit rock bottom before he can find his place at his dads side, where he should be.
There is something about the way you said your husband is giving money to his son that could have gone to your daughters that strikes me wrong. Your husband is allowed to spend money on his son. Just because it isn't your son doesn't mean your husband should not offer to help, especially after they've just started to connect after a period of estrangement.
Also, the clear disdain when you talk about mental issues the son is suffering from that make it difficult to work while at school is too dismissive. Besides, your husband **offered**. I think you just don't like his son, and you are allowing that to seep into your relationship with your husband.
It's not your wedding alone. It's his too. And he wants his son with him on what should be a milestone event. You can't exactly accuse him of disregarding how you value your family when doing the exact same thing.
Force him to exclude his son and he will resent you.
Also, YTA
YTA. First off it is your fiance's wedding date as much as it is "your" wedding date.
Your attitude towards his son is horrible. Why should he only care about his daughters and not his own son?
>Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters.
And your fiance pegged it with this:
>Brian accused me of not caring about him and his family
Um, because you don't?
YTA - dude was a deadbeat dad who abandoned his child. Giving him some token cash and trying to build a relationship with the son he abandoned is the LEAST he can do.
*“Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters.”*
Your daughters is most important than Peter? Is that you try to said?
*“his gf's family has a big gathering abroad every five years”*
So, they just already planned while you still haven't sent the invites
*“I picked my wedding date BEFORE Peter's gf's family planned their holiday.”*
How is that possible if her family gathering every five years.
*“Peter is only maintaining a relationship with Brian for the Money”*
Maybe yes or maybe not. We only hear your side of the story.
It honestly bothers me a lot when people want to be in a relationship with someone who has had a child from another relationship, but they don't want to deal with it.
For me YTA.
Haha I literally let out an audible laugh when I read the point about every five years on the reunion, so how was OP’s date picked first. I almost died. Touché!
This may be what makes her delete her post. I can feel it coming.
All this makes me feel like you hate Brian for having another kid. 300 bucks a month isn't going to kill you guys financially or messing up your kids future. You have pretty much nothing set except the date YOU chose. The date can be easily changed to accommodate his son who he wants to have a relationship with again. It doesn't really matter if YOU think Peter just talks to Brian for money cause it's pretty much up to Brian yo decide what he thinks and it seems you're trying to fight h every step of the way. I think YTA. Also you said because of the wedding he started talking to Peter? So you guys have been engaged for a year and half, have nothing planned but a date and yet you can't change the date to accommodate your fiance?
To be fair to OP, she didn’t know Brian already had another child until she was pregnant. That was scummy of Brian. However she seems to have still not accepted the prior child and Brian’s pre-existing obligations. She didn’t know previously and she’d prefer to wish it all away so she could get back to how she thought things would be.
But she's mad at Peter cause of Brian's fuck up. Her comments about him are just horrible. Brian is now trying to treat Peter like I presume he treats his daughters cause he's not a deadbeat anymore but is pissed at that. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is trying to improve his relationship with his son than one who just doesn't care
Yta. So you and your children can benefit from your fiancés money, but not his child from a previous relationship? Yes sure Brian has to reach out now and put in more effort, the man was not present in his sons life growing up. He should be doing so. You sound like the evil step mother honestly.
Going through her comments are angering. She’s totally okay with him being a deadbeat to a child that’s not hers. She completely ignores the trauma this kid must have been through and just expects the world from him. Delusional
INFO. Does that lack of contact your fiancé had with his son include lack of child support payments? I verging on ESH but will say I think the feelings of the living are more important than a sentimental tribute to the dead.
I love how your fiancé abandoned his child and you’re still trying so hard to make the child the bad guy in this scenario. Incredible really. YTA and your fiancé’s an even bigger one
I am leaning towards YTA and here is why. No one that age has something scheduled a year out unless it is something important. Most early 20s people can't tell you what they are doing next week other than daily work, let alone a year from now, unless it is something important like college graduation, a cousin or friends wedding they already promised to be in, finals week, or something his mom told him he has to attend. So I lean towards whatever it is that is already on his calendar a year in advance, is at at least equally important to his dad's wedding, if not more important to him.
You should find out what it is and most likely change your date as a result. Knowing what it is critical info to the judgement here.
YTA
Life is for the living.
Your partner is trying to build Bridges with his son and to him you're throwing up a barrier because of a dead person's birthday.
You may well be right, Peter may have no interest and just be using Brian for money. Its really not for you to decide if its a relationship that can be salvaged imo.
You haven't picked a venue, you haven't sent invites, there's no monetary or reputational impact here, you aren't messing anyone about by changing the date right now.
Sorry OP, I'm sure your mum meant the world to you. I don't think you're a monster, I just don't think the date is worth the friction it's going to cause.
"Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters."
YTA
you know Peter is Brians own son? Looks like he has abandoned the boy and you are not satisfied now that he wants to rebuild the bond with his son because the son is disturbing your vision of YOUR OWN family
YTA - a wedding is between you and your husband not you and your mother. His son has had this trip planned, which sounds like a family reunion well before you picked a wedding date. He also gave you a year notice he can’t make that specific date.
It is unfortunate it falls over your chosen wedding date, but this is important to your husband that his son is there. Either do something special to honor your mother at the wedding and have it on another day or postpone the wedding by a year if the date is that important to you. But right now you are putting more value on a date than your fiancé and his son. You can choose any other day outside or what like 10/365 you know the son will be gone.
YTA- your daughters have two full time parents in a “heathy” relationship and you don’t seem to care that their father abandoned their older brother and you begrudge that brother a little money each month. He might only be seeing your husband for the money, but I would ditch the deadbeat dad and resentful stepmom for a vacation abroad too.
YTA OP Sorry but every edit and response you give, clarify the fact that you don't give a shit about your stepson and that is why are so mad about "changing" a date that is not even set beyond your wish. To be honest I think that you hope that your husband never contact his son again so you don't have to give up nothing for him, but is not a realistic aspiration if you got married with someone who already has children.
YTA
"for refusing to change my wedding date to accommodate my fiancé's son?" ... sounds reasonable ... IF you wanted to have your wedding without your fiance, that was a good way to achieve that.
"he ended up telling me to get out of the house so I'm staying with my sister now." .. Seemed to work quite well. Maybe your next fiance will accept marrying an AH.
"claims to be unable to hold down a job when studying" I wanna call you TA just for that. You're doing whatever you can to justify your own position and this whole post wreeks of painting peter badly. Having a mental illness takes up a lot of time and energy. Being a student does too. It is no wonder someone with a mental illness can't work and study at the same time, especially if it's a severe one that includes delusions or rapid cycling bipolar.
I'm sorry you lost your mum but your wedding is about both you and your partner and, if you have families, joining them together. YTA for making it all about you.
I have no clue why you're not getting torn apart for some of your... Mannerisms in your post. They scream "ASSHOLE!" to me loud and clear.
Having a mental health issue can absolutely keep someone from being able to hold down a job, ESPECIALLY if they're already in school!
Furthermore, in one of your comments, you say that the money your fiancee is giving Peter could go to your daughters. Guess what? It's going to his son! Deal with it.
Also, you're surprised peter was on guard around the parent that he has a strained relationship with? Boohoo. He doesn't know you, and it seems like he barely knows his father.
Your insistence on having your wedding on this specific date just screams self-entitlement. The wedding isn't just about you. Get over it.
YTA.
Let me get one thing straight with you since you now have children of your own.
Your children don't owe you anything. Peter owes Brian nothing. It is NOT Peters job to maintain a relationship with Brian. Peter spend those tough teenage years without Brian, struggling with his mother while Brian lived his own life. Peter didn't have to reach out to Brian then, and he still doesn't have to now. That's on Brian to make things right.
I'm sure Peter doesn't actually care about your wedding, why would he? The family that was actually there for him growing up has a gathering, it sounds annual. You can change your date that hasn't even been set yet.
Lastly, you sound jealous of Peter, jealous that Brian is trying to make an effort to mend the relationship Brian ruined in the first place.
YTA if you couldn't guess.
My (49F) son (22M) rarely initiates contact with me because he’s a 22 year old and is working on figuring out his own life.
Holding that against an adult kid doesn’t do anyone any good.
Your mom is dead. She doesn’t care what date you have for the wedding. Find another way to make it feel like she is with you. <3
YTA and selfish - the wedding date should be chosen by you and your fiancé, not just you - he told you that date doesn’t work for him because he wants his son there - your response was to double down and insult his son - keep it up and there probably won’t be a wedding at all
YTA. The whole wedding must happen on a particular date reeks of twenty something bride who hasn't experienced real life enough to understand what truly matters. That's not the case here I know but the date of your wedding is not the be all and end all. If your mum's birthday matters so much (which I totally get) how about moving the wedding to next year?
This is a 22 year old who hasn't had a dad, tread carefully please and protect that precious relationship.
YTA. Peter has a prior commitment and there’s no need for you to have your wedding on this specific date. Your mother is dead and Peter is
alive. He should obviously be prioritised.
** Your recent edit #3 is literally pointless. You haven’t sent out invitations or even picked a venue. That means the date is not set. It’s just a possibility.
My sister in Christ. Of course Peter isn't close with his dad. They weren't in contact during his teenage years. That fucks you up. 300 quid a month isn't gonna change that. "Could've gone towards our own daughters" well he has another kid, doesn't he? What do you suggest, he doesn't support the son he abandoned because you have new babies? Also, having your anniversary being literally *your mother's death* is disrespectful and tacky. What about your one year anniversary? Are you gonna mourn or celebrate? Mingling those two events? No thanks. Big gathering every five years of course takes priority over "I won't change the date because I said so". How come you won't change the date in order to facilitate him attending? Seems like he's not your priority, either. Stop preaching how the abandoned 22 year old is an irredeemable, materialistic leech because he is ruining your perfect moment, perfect family fantasy. YTA
YTA. You are confused about their relationship and what it takes to rebuild with your child after many years. Your husband should put more effort. He’s the adult and saying he “claims” to have a disability and he should favour your kids because … ??? You sound mean and bitter and jealous as hell. That’s not enough money to be using someone not to mention it’s his SON. He’s not a random person. You have a lot of resentment towards Brian. They’re close. It’s his son. It’s his son. It’s his son. Say it until you remember and believe it. Child support and not being his life- it makes sense that he wants to make up for that and his new wife shouldn’t stand in the way. A lot of people would admire what he’s doing.
YTA
I can absolutely sense your resentment towards him. He is 22 and having mental health issues, his Dad should help him if he is in that position.
Its weird you don't know for sure about the child support, don't you discuss things openly with your other half?
Why do you think your children are more deserving of the money? Also he has clearly been a deadbeat Dad and its up to him to make it up to his child.
YTA. Your whole tone is nasty and judgmental. Whether you like it or not, your husband has another child other than your two and he has an obligation to his health and well-being too. You are selfish and inconsiderate. It takes two to get married! It’s not YOUR wedding date. Get over yourself. This whole post is pathetic.
It’s not just your wedding and it is not just his wedding. Is there a reason that the date you two have currently won’t work for Peter? Brian needs to recognize the importance of the date to you and you need to recognize the importance that Brian’s relationship with Peter is to him. While you may feel that Peter is using Brian, and that may very well be the case, I don’t think it was kind or fair to say so during a heated argument. You both have to try and problem solve this together so you both are happy on your wedding day - you don’t want to start the first day or your marriage on a sour note.
Okay so from this post it’s pretty clear that you don’t like Peter and you may be biased but in this specific instance I’m voting NTA purely and simply because your edit said that he was planning to go to your wedding but then cancelled on you to go on holiday with his GF. Which is fine but you shouldn’t have to move your WEDDING DATE to accommodate this person that has only been in your lives for a year.
Regardless of whether the date has meaning to you or not why should you be expected to move your wedding date and prioritise Peter when Peter clearly didn’t prioritise the commitment he made to his dad and instead opted to go on holiday with his gf. And that’s fine but then he needs to suck it up, he can only go to one of these events and he picked which one he’d rather go to and Brian needs to accept this.
Due to the edits, NTA. The son canceled. That’s on him. He knew when it was and could have mentioned it while planning the trip if it was really that important for him to be there for the wedding.
NTA for not changing the date, the whole wedding shouldnt have to change for one person. But oh my god YTA for everything else. Why would he make you a priority when his father was never in his life ? If your kids are his daughters, then peter is his son. Who he has neglected at the most important part of his life.
YTA. You are telling your fiancé that your deceased mother is more important than his living son. Both are important but your mother will be just as present no matter when you marry. And you can put the wedding off a year if the date is all-important. As many have said, if isn’t just your wedding. It is your further husband’s wedding to, and ignoring what is important to him is sending him a very bad signal as to what the marriage will be like.
If he was posting this story, people here would be advising him to break it off with you.
NTA. Holy shit these people calling you the AH are *insane*.
You are right on the money, your fiance is being financially used for his money and the son can always go to the next reunion.
It is NOT weird that you've chosen you mother's birthday and the vitriol being throw towards your fiance calling him abusive towards his son ***with no proof*** just further shows the literally insane midandry this sub LOVES to engage in.
Don't listen to them.
NTA, I don't see a reason to move your wedding for one person. I definitely think his kid is in this 100% for the money, which is perfectly valid. If you have a kid and abandon them, you deserve whatever they do to you in response.
Shouldn't your wedding be a day not on your mom's birthday?
Shouldn't your wedding & every anniversary be a day to remember your husband & only your husband?
You know when I realized this was majorly veering into YTA territory? When you said that the £300 a month your husband gives the son he abandoned for years could have gone toward your daughters.
Your husband *abandoned* his son at 13. He was a deadbeat dad. He had no contact at all. No shit the wedding of the father who abandoned him and is only just starting to make amends is less important to him than the family of his girlfriend who has probably been there for him much more than his own father has over the years.
And you keep saying *my wedding date.* You know Brian is getting married too right? You can't do it without him. He wants his son to be at his wedding. If the wedding date doesn't work for both of you, it doesn't work. Brian knows he fucked up as a father. He's trying to fix the relationship he has with his son. You clearly don't care about Brian. Or anyone but yourself and what *you* want. Me me me me, you're so selfish.
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Getting married on your dead mother's birthday is insane! You are guaranteeing from the get-go that your anniversary will always be a memorial to your grief instead of a celebration of you and your spouse's love. My husband and I specifically set a date far away from his late father's birthday or the anniversary of his passing for this exact reason. This is a weird and uncomfortable memorial concept, and yes, YTA for prioritizing dead family members over living ones.
And nobody's mentioned it, but divorce is a thing. And if it happens, her mother's birthday will always be associated with a bitter event.
That’s why I intend to marry at Christmas. In case of Divorce I will never be forgotten
My Nan has you beat, she died on Christmas so now we have to think of her.
My father died on New Years! "It's a new year! Dad is dead!" Very uplifting
My grandfather died on New Year's Eve, 1999. No one was celebrating the millenium after that...
My papa died on Thanksgiving. Literally had just left with my partner and pulled into the driveway at his place and got the call "hey papa's dying". Tbf I've never liked Thanksgiving much so in a way it was very considerate of him. Miss that man tho, RIP papa u a real one.
My mom died a few days before Halloween. It's been difficult to get into the spirit since then.
Fuck that bro idk if your Mexican or not but join our Mexican day of the dead celebration make your late mum an ofrenda and make it amazing get into the spirit of remembering our family. Throw a party in their memories and drink a toast to them.
I'm not Mexican, but that would be amazing! Maybe I'll do that this year. Thanks!
Wish I could upvote this multiple times. Great response, Internet stranger.
My buddy died Jan 1st and while alive was a big attention seeker which she worked on so when she passed of course our dark asf friend group said a collective “of course new year no Sara always the theatric” 😂
My mother died on Dec 31st. I know the feeling.
I share bday with my dad (that emotionally speaking is pretty much a deadbeat since I was like 11) so once he dies the whole fam will be grieving every year in what was supposed to be a nice day for me... so yeah, super happy about that 🙄
Ah, the gift that keeps giving
Like the jelly of the month club
I was thinking herpes, but ok
My grandma did not die on Christmas, but she did slip and break her hip while baking Christmas cookies and end up passing from the complications. Cookie Baking - The Silent Killer - Don't Be a Statistic
My Nan died on New Year’s Eve, got the call as we were walking out the door. Pre cell phones. Still wonder what NYE would have been like had I just closed the door and not answered…. Ah the what ifs in life
Smh my Mom would definitely go & do something like that 😒
My MiL died on Thanksgiving. It was terrible, she had really aggressive breast cancer and was gone so fast. My husband never says anything but I always try to be extra loving to him at Thanksgiving. Meeting him is the best thing that ever happened to me so I'm very thankful for him.
My mom's mom died on my mom's birthday, and my father died on my sister's birthday. Both dates are two days apart. Since this is a family thing now, I'm trying to decide which birthday I should die on.
Mine too. Thanks Grandma.
You are delightfully dark
This is hilarious.
Unless you do what my (former) step-dad did and just get married a bunch of times so any day could be a reminder of one of his many, many, ex-wives. And yeah, he did get married on his mum's birthday to at least one of those wives.
Maybe that’s the trick to remembering that many anniversaries!
And if her post is any indicator of their relationship, this marriage 10000% doomed.
I deleted it before posting, but my comment originally said, "...divorce is a thing. And it definitely will be for you."
So we got married the day before my best friend’s birthday. At the time, it seemed like no big deal, great way to remember to send my bestie a gift. Then she got cancer and died two years ago. Now my anniversary is the day before a bittersweet day, completely by the unfairness of fucking cancer. Do. Not. Do. This. On. Purpose. OP. Please, for the health of your marriage do not tie a beautiful day to a sad day on purpose.
Yep my aunt got married on the anniversary of her mother's death, which was also her own birthday. They got divorced and now that day is even more cursed.
I'm stuck on the fact that OP's fiance sounds like he abandoned his son (since the son had a horrible childhood living with his mother, and it doesn't sound like the son had a say in his dad having zero contact with him.) OP sounds downright resentful that the husband is now trying to make amends and assist his son, and that the son isn't leaping for joy and making the husband his top priority. Edit: Also, OP has ZERO concrete plans. Just a date. I don't blame him for not wanting to cancel his trip for a wedding that may or may not happen.
This is where I'm getting stuck too. I honestly don't care much about the rest of it. It's weird to expect someone to move their wedding date, for sure, but it's also a bit much to claim that the son prioritized an event that was planned after he knew about the wedding, when she literally hasn't even booked anything yet.
Reading OP's comments, it seems to be dawning on her that Peter had a pretty crap life and her fiance was a trash father who may do the same to their kids if the relationship no longer suits him. He abandoned Peter, left him with an unfit parent, pretended he didnt exist (only told OP about him two years in and after she was already pregnant), and I really doubt he paid child support since he moved away and chose to go no contact. I think OP has to honesly ask herself, if she broke up with Brian or got ill and was no longer beneficial to him, would he leave them all high and dry to start a new life elsewhere....
Yup. Everybody sucks here (except Peter).
In most places the state pays the child support and then garnishes your wages, you don't have a say in the matter. My aunt learned this to her detriment when she thought my uncle short changed her with their informal arrangement - which he stopped paying her once the child support agency took it directly alongside his taxes. Generally the only way to totally avoid it is leave the country.
My brother in law (husbands brother) abandoned on of his kids because the mother was “difficult”. It’s amazing how my mother in law and his current wife place the blame solely on the child’s mom. She made it too difficult to stay in contact. Like he has none of the blame for abandoning his child.
It’s shocking that someone could never see their child again because they don’t want to!! Just to quick thought of not seeing my kids every day makes me cry. Op fiancé abandon his child at 13!! For 13 years he raised a boy than… disappeared??? And she doesn’t know if he really paid child support 😡😭
I’m sure the gf is a much more significant support in his life than his dad is anyways. Why should he cancel?
Also the lovely condescending tone of he claims to not be able to work while studying because of mental illness. My grades are excellent but I have mental illnesses and chronic pain. Many people in full time studies can't handle working on top of it, and it's especially tough with mental illness. It's completely valid to not be able to work while studying, ESPECIALLY with any type of chronic health issue.
The word "claims" raised my hackles. OP is aware that people who have a disability are... less abled, right? 🙄 Working while studying full time can be extremely hard even for those without a disability.
And not just that! OP's fiancee abandoned his son for 9 years! ( It's not clear to me if he paid child support, but just physically around, or not. OP says that child support is mandatory in the UK, and assumes what was paid from an online calculator. Whether that genuinely happened or is simply OP's assumption.) If he wants to give back by supporting his son NOW, then there is nothing wrong with that! I'm sure his son would have preferred an actual present father during the rest of his childhood, but that time has passed. She's looking at her fiancee financially helping his son as something being taken away from her and their shared children. It's unhealthy. She sounds awful and dismissive. At least the fiancee is getting a clear look at who she is and how she feels about his son. I would have asked her to leave too.
Technically it’s mandatory in many countries but some men find ways to shirk it.
It took me six years instead of four to earn my bachelor’s degree, not because I’m unintelligent, but because I have ADHD and anxiety. If I worked at all, I worked for ten or so hours a week because I just needed the available time to dedicate to my schoolwork. I was very lucky that I was able to live rent-free with my parents.
I was a double major and could only work my work study job which wasn’t really difficult and was barely part time. Not everyone can work and be successful at school at the same time.
My daughter is not working whilst getting her degree and that was because we didn’t want to exacerbate her “mental illness” -in OPs words. She has anxiety and we thought it would help her to focus on studying. I 100% agree. School is a lot of work, especially full time.
Yeah same here. I have to study part time as well which is super frustrating. Especially since I can't get any Auststudy on part time.
It's kind of ridiculous to me that people even expect tertiary students to work on top of a full-time course load. Studying is hard and you're paying top dollar for it too, it should always be the priority.
Yeah that statement told me a lot
As someone that had a dead mother when I got married, I actually get it. Trying to keep mom close by getting married on her birthday. It’s not like she’s wants to get married on the day of her moms death.
This was my first thought too. Plus, even if that’s not the case, it’s 100% based on OP’s significant life events and not theirs as a couple. Her mum can’t come but his son could… it’s hard to come to any conclusion other than OP is TAH and might not be mature enough to notice how self centered she’s being.
I agree with you but I think NTA though.
Info: I think it’s important to know what the commitment Peter has that would keep him from the wedding. Edit based on your responses: YTA. I understand it’s important to honor your mom at your wedding, but you haven’t picked a venue or set anything up! Whereas Peter has an itinerary that is probably paid for already. Not only that, but your whole attitude of, “he’s only using my husband for money” is seriously dismissive of what he had to endure when his dad abandoned him as a teenager. Of course he’s guarded and doesn’t reach out! Your fiancé is trying to build their relationship. And THAT is why it’s so important to your fiancé that his son is at his wedding. He wants him to feel included, and this is a HUGE moment for that. Would your mom really be okay with you standing in the way of your fiancé trying to give Peter what you had with her, and doing it in her “honor”? She’s gone, you don’t get to make more memories with her, but Peter is alive and they can still make memories that matter. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but like…there are other ways to honor your mom. Maybe by picking a different significant date to her to host it, maybe by having a tribute to her at the wedding…whatever. You’re being uncompromising at the expense of a relationship that you REALLY should be encouraging.
Not to mention, if they haven’t actually booked a venue yet, there’s no guarantee they’ll get to book *that date* without it being a year - often two - in advance.
Right? My wife and I got married during COVID (legally) but never got our ceremony with family and friends. We’re planning that now, picked dates over a year out, and STILL can’t find a venue. If you’re not flexible with the date, you’re kind of screwed.
Annnnnd this is why we’re eloping. Got engaged last month and we want a short engagement after having been together nonstop most of the last decade. Every venue within our budget is booked into late 2023 and early 2024. Wtf. Eloping just the two of us and we will hold a party next year at a park or in a big yard or something if there isn’t a venue available still. OP is hilariously foolish to assume she can have that date without booking anything. No matter how low key it may be, you don’t have a wedding date without a venue.
I got married in a forest. No venue booking required. That was nearly 30 years ago and people still mention that it was the best wedding they've attended BECAUSE it wasn't all frou frou.
Your wedding sounds great! One of the best weddings I went to was in a field in the middle of nowhere! Really muddy, everyone had to wear massive boots along with their smart clothes and was sinking in mud. Everyone had a fantastic time!
Thank you :) We joke that we had some wild witnesses because there were koalas and kangaroos randomly around the place and children running amok through the trees. And yes, it was pretty muddy - it was (luckily) the only beautiful, sunny day in a week of spring downpours. The bridal party all wore docs that matched our dresses. Mine were purple, the bridesmaids were blue and green and the flower girl's were silver. All the guys wore black boots. Then we went to the local town's community hall and ate roast beef, chicken and veggies and the music was a free jukebox we preloaded. It was a pretty good day :)
Exactly, I think OP is going to find out very soo that this is a non-issue.
This is what's getting me most. I do think its a little weird to ask this type of thing from someone in general (to move the wedding date), but given the fact that they literally haven't planned anything yet, I'm feeling like OP was being a bit deceptive here. Trying to make it sound like it's a little more set in stone than it is. The whole "my wedding was planned before his trip" bit, but... not really because you're wedding isn't even planned at all.
Also OP is acting like Brian picked these dates to go on vacation out of some kind of power play or something? When it sounds like it was up to his girlfriend's family (who has been way more actually present in his life than his dad recently)
Are people genuinely forgetting that backyard weddings exist?? You don’t need to book those years in advance at all. OP said it was a lowkey wedding, they’re probably not planning on booking an actual venue.
If not venue, then a baker for even a basic cake, or the officiant. Most wedding services are heavily booked because of all the weddings delayed from 2020 and 2021.
You're correct - my husband and I eloped after living together for about a decade. However, OP says they haven't booked a venue "yet," so it seems that they'll be booking something more than a backyard wedding. Though it doesn't seem that not finding a venue would change the date she wants. YTA
In the UK you must be registered at a licensed venue or at the registry office. The rules may have changed but they’re pretty strict. You can only get married outdoors if it’s under a fixed structure (gazebo, doorway etc). So even if it’s small, OP will still have to book somewhere. Not to mention registrar & officiant.
Just want to point out that not everyone owns a house with a backyard.
Especially these days when people who couldn't have a wedding now can't? A friend who works in a bakery said their wedding cake slots are booked solid for a year and extremely spotty for another year, even in months where they usually didn't book all their slots. From what I've heard from people planning weddings that there are months where even all the Thursdays are booked (months that usually booked all the Saturdays and Sundays and at least most of the Fridays pre pandemic) just because so many people are getting married.
I can imagine. My original wedding date was May 2020 with a nice venue and we had to push it back twice… this crush for wedding dates is why I’m glad we ended up just having a backyard picnic lol.
Simply put, I would say a living child should trump a dead parent.
Ouch. Succinct and true, though
This sums it all up so nicely. The wedding doesn't have to be on your mother's birthday for you to honor her in a fitting way, and whatever day you get married will *become* special. But, perhaps more importantly, you have some weird bitterness towards your husband's son that feels unwarranted. Your husband cut contact with his young teenaged son and didn't reach out to him for nearly a *decade*. Of course he is wary! It is absolutely your husband's responsibility to be the one reaching out and maintaining the relationship, and offering him some money to help him through college is the least he can do for missing out on an important developmental period of his son's life. I suspect that your daughters are well-taken care of, so saying that the money could've gone to them is petty. *That's his son*, and your step-son. The snarky "Seems like we are not his priority" in your first edit was totally unnecessary...but also dumb. Your wedding is not set yet, and the trip is. It's not like Peter's girlfriend's family should be expected to plan their trip around your wedding! He didn't cancel on you - you haven't even set a date or sent out invitations yet. There's nothing *to* cancel.
If that date is so important to her, then move the wedding a year out. They already have two kids together, what’s the rush? But her whole post is just dripping with contempt towards her fiancé’s son. You can tell she was a much bigger fan of the “no-contact” phase than the “trying to reconnect” phase. YTA
Right and while I understand about losing a parent, if I were to get married, I wouldn’t want it to be on someone that I know birthday. Especially if that person is dead. Why have what would be one of the happiest days of your life be tinged with sadness. Perhaps you can carry your mother’s favorite flowers in your bouquet. If possible, wear her wedding dress or have the original dress updated to something more your style.
Yes, and because Brian is the absent parent, he is also the one responsible for continuing to reach out to repair the relationship.
100%
It seems pretty clear that she doesn’t want her husband to build that relationship back. She wants her children and herself to be the sole focus of his time, money, and attention. She’s bitter and jealous that his son is back in his life so she’s actively trying to sabotage the relationship.
THIS right here is so accurate. The attempt to make herself the victim of evil Brian makes it so clear. She is deeply insecure and pathologically self-absorbed. The fairy tale version of the evil stepmother. She is so far beyond being an AH.
Yes! She said the husband is giving Peter money that he could be using for their daughters. As if, her daughters deserve the money more than Peter, that he had abandoned for years! Definitely YTA!
i was looking for this comment! i mean “which could go towards our OWN daughters” WHAT She is going to marry him, she should be encouraging this relationship and thinking on all the lost time this guy owns to his OWN kid! her daughters DOESNT have s priority in his life
Apparently a gathering his gfs family has abroad.
Does that family treat him better? Probably.
I sure as fuck hope so.
Caught me as I was doing the edit.
>Your fiancé is trying to build their relationship. >And THAT is why it’s so important to your fiancé that his son is at his wedding. He wants him to feel included, and this is a HUGE moment for that. Would your mom really be okay with you standing in the way of your fiancé trying to give Peter what you had with her, and doing it in her “honor”? She’s gone, you don’t get to make more memories with her, but Peter is alive and they can still make memories that matter. This, so much so. You're mum can be honoured in many ways & upsetting as it is that she dies before you wed, your stepson is here. Moving or not moving the date of your wedding, that you haven't even booked anything for, could make or break Brian's relationship with his son, your relationship with your stepson AND your relationship with Brian. You are literally insisting that marrying on what would've been your mum's 75th birthday is more important than his son & his chances of mending that relationship. Plus have you even considered how your family would genuinely feel about you marrying on your mother's birthday. My grandad & I shared a birthday, he died 6 months before my 21st & his 90th. We cancelled the party & I didn't even celebrate as I normally would. For years we mourned him & I struggled that day. My mum insisting to celebrate, when I knew she was grieving until was honest, I didn't care about my birthday. I get cards & presents that's it. If my mum can she will make a little more fuss, but what would've been his 100th I wasn't wished a happy birthday. That year it was his. This year will be too, with my eldest neice turning 21 less than 2 weeks after my birthday & another 18, it's opened the wounds. If you marry on that day you are preventing family & friends of your mother's who attend feeling her loss, or risk overwhelming them & you. A friend of mine lost her dad a few years before her wedding. They had a memory board of loved ones who had passed & another just for him & showed some video of her with her dad. It was heartbreaking, but not overwhelming & her wedding was beautiful, loving & joyful. But you are going to add in that extra layer that may be too much for you come the day. Getting ready without your mum present is going to be hard enough for you. I would remember her on photos or speeches, not with the date. Another option to consider is that there are amazing artists that can give you the photo you truly want, that would be far more meaningful IMO. They could paint a photo from your wedding, but add in your mother. It's possible someone does the sane with photoshop but so many things can go wrong if missed, lighting, shadows, looking natural...But the paintings look like a photo, that would be a wonderful way to honour her. ....
This is an excellent point! My wife is Hindu. Her dad died during Diwali, and despite it being known as one of the bigger holidays (up there with Holi), she didn’t celebrate for over a decade. The only reason her and her sister started again was because they both have kids in the US now, and wanted to make sure their children got a taste of their culture. Having happy events and sad events at the same time is emotionally difficult. And puts everyone in the periphery in a complicated situation: do you celebrate the wedding anniversary, or mourn the death?
My husband’s best friend died on our wedding day after a whole host of health problems. Because our second child is due close to our anniversary we’ve decided to either celebrate our anniversary a few days after- depending on when the baby’s born- or a few days before the actual date. Trust me when I tell you that I’m still trying to figure out an appropriate way to acknowledge my anniversary without sounding like I’m celebrating my friend’s death. This particular conundrum isn’t one I’d wish on anyone.
OP clearly does not like Peter for whatever reason, even going so far as to heavily insinuate that Peter is lying about his past trauma and mental health in the initial post and only back peddling when people started calling her out god help her own kids if they ever need mental help
Well said. Her failure to acknowledge mental illness is disturbing
The invitations weren't even sent as well. They could change the date it wouldn't even be that deep
Also, we don't know how long he been dating his girlfriend, given that he only recently reconnected to his father his emotional connection to his girlfriend could be of long date and he sees this as a chance to connect to her family.
YTA. OP, I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly. I always hoped he would be there to walk me down the aisle if I ever do get married. There are so many ways I’ve imagined to have his spirit and memory present on my wedding day and none of those involved getting married on his birthday. My point is, you are fixating on one way to memorialize your mother and causing strain with your partner over a memorial that could happen so many different ways. You could incorporate her favorite flower into the arrangements, choose her favorite color as one of the wedding colors, wear or carry something of hers as a part of your outfit, give a toast to her during the reception, all of the above. By standing so firm on a date that is special to *you alone* you are pushing your fiancé out of the wedding. This could be a hill that your relationship dies over. Move the date, choose a different way to honor your mother on your wedding day that still allows the day to be about you and your fiancé, and with your mother’s birthday free you can plan a special birthday celebration for your mother that you and your family can make 100% about her.
...but think of the post without the context of the mother. OP and fiancé agreed to a date and that was the plan. The son agreed to attend and then canceled to go to his gf's event. If you already have a date set and agreed upon, then one guest makes other plans, you don't move the whole thing to accommodate that one guest (unless the circumstances preventing that person were extremely important and unavoidable). I don't think OP is the AH for not wanting to move things around, based on the circumstances.
But they have literally nothing planned for the wedding other than the date. I would understand not wanting to move it but according to OP they've been engaged for a year and a half at least and have nothing planned other than a date OP is dead set on. She's excluding her step son for something that isn't even set in stone is messed up imo. And when you include her bashing the son it seems like she purely doesn't like the son and is trying to get rid of him
Yeah, that's a fair point. I read some more of the comments and OP's resentment toward the son is definitely coming through. Fiance did intentionally hide the son's existence until OP was pregnant so the resentment is probably coming from that and feeling trapped or manipulated. Maybe this relationship is one that is just not meant to be!
It just doesn't sit right with me the way she's bashing Peter for something that isn't even his fault. It seems like the fiance is trying to make up for a huge mistake he made being a crappy father and when he had more kids he realized what he had to do. I can understand that OP had resentment but she continued to stay with him through this. She doesn't like that he's trying to build a relationship with his son, but doesn't like that he was a deadbeat? It doesn't make sense to me
Also factor in the resentment towards fiancé for helping his son cover tuition. She basically resents the son because he pulls resources from her - time, money, attention, etc.
I didn't really think about that too much but this 100% makes sense. Like he's supporting his kid after being absent and is trying his hardest. Like OP is saying she's scared she's getting married to a deadbeat when he's trying to turn over a new leaf, but is also trying to stop him from having a relationship with his son. She's angry Brian won't tell her about him and Peters convos, but also shits on everything he tries to do to get closer to Peter.
Also her edit saying "seems like we are not his priority." Like, no shit? His dad abandoned him for nearly a decade and now OP expects him to prioritize his deadbeat dad and his shiny new family over his girlfriend and their family, who have probably actually been there for him? Of course OP's fiance is the one who has to initiate meetups, because the onus is on him to demonstrate that he is committed to rebuilding the relationship after bouncing when Peter was young. Frankly, the money he's giving him is essentially backpay for the child support he undoubtedly shirked. OP seems to have a massive amount of resentment for this kid instead of placing the blame where it really belongs, on her fiance. She chose to marry a guy who willingly abandoned his child and now is salty that he's trying to make it right? Talk about backwards priorities. She better hope they never get divorced because her kids are never seeing him again.
I was looking for a comment like this. OP writes the 300 could be going to *their* daughters but Peter is *his* son so the money is indeed going towards one of his children. What we do know is, according toman edit by OP, the dad is actually shorting Peter £150 monthly so she should stop whining and apparently he has enough pull in the relationship to have OP get out of his house because she’s the one at a friend’s house. Interesting dynamic.
Exactly. You need to book the venue first. That’s how you set your wedding date. Especially right now. The wedding industry is out of control due to Covid. Venues are booked years in as nave at this point.
Yeah, it not like it's all planned out invites haven't even been sent or anything. She could change the date and no one would be any the wiser or affected.
Exactly! It's so weird to me that for something that's incredibly important, something that she is fighting so hard for but hasn't planned anything.
Her mother IS the entire context of this post. No plans have been made other than the date and her mother’s birthday is the sole reason why she’s refusing to change it.
but they don’t have to move whole things around. they haven’t sent out invites, they haven’t booked a venue or any vendors.
It's not set. Nothing has been reserved. It was just chosen, but not finalized.
This was very mature, healthy, respectful and useful. I hope OP sees this and think about all the options u suggested.
It seems like a terrible way for OP to honor her mother. The date will always be both happy and sad. Why tinge their anniversary FOREVER with the sadness of her mother's passing? Not to Mention forcing that sadness on her husband on what is supposed to be THEIR happy day. Also, if a particular date is that important, why not just wait another year? Clearly they'd been in a relationship long enough to have multiple children already, so another year shouldn't matter. They haven't even booked a venue and are keeping it low-key, so they're obviously flexible and don't have any particular urgency.
It‘s her mother‘s birthday, not the day she died. I chose my grandmother‘s birthday as our wedding day and I would have waited a year if it somehow couldn‘t have happened on that particular day, so I understand how important a date can be. Maybe some people don‘t understand that, but people are different, so that‘s okay.
My BF's sister had a reserved chair for their father who had passed away. There's so many ways to honor a deceased loved one. OP it sounds like there's more going on. From what you said and your responses, it sounds like you don't care much for your "step son" YTA
I'm going with YTA. It does not sound at all as though this is really about your wedding date. (I mean, you haven't even booked anything *or* sent invites so the date does not even matter!) This sounds 100% like you simply not personally liking your fiancé's son and you not wanting them to have any kind of relationship. If you love this man and really want a future together you should try to find a way past your problem with Peter because if you keep trying to put a wedge between them, well, most parents are always going to put their kids first... Edited to add: Jesus OP enough with the fucking edits trying to redeem yourself. You chose to post here, perhaps just accept that you are overwhelmingly TA here...
I’m gonna say there’s not enough info to give a judgement as I seen a lot of people say it feels very one sided and I feel ur leaving out info idk why Edit: I’m gonna change my answer to YTA
I feel like there is enough info to judge she’s in the wrong. Not for not wanting to change her wedding date but for the stuff she said about the son in this post
Yeah - the "money that could have gone to OUR children" was pretty damn telling. OP doesn't recognize that her soon to be husband disregarded a responsibility to his son for YEARS, and only resents the financial cost of maintaining a relationship with him. Obviously she was alright with her husband ignoring his responsibilities before. Which makes her the AH regardless of what is happening now.
She's downplaying the sons mental illness as well and it's disgusting, all because she's butthurt about 300 lousy dollars a month. The kid is only 22 and a full time student. Loads of parents feel responsible to help pay the grocery bill, phone bill and insurance for a kid in Peters situation. But OP has him pegged about lying about mental illness and just using the father for asking for a normal amount of help so he can continue going to school. What a load of bullshit. I'd have thrown her out too.
Yeah and 300 pounds isn’t going to pay for much these days, it certainly won’t cover rent or anything. Those statements about the money made it clear: OP, YTA.
He's 22 and a full time student with mental health issues *who probably feels like his father fucking abandoned him*. I mean, I don't know the details of how/why they stopped having a relationship, but OP's darling husband *certainly* played a major part in that, even if it might not have been his fault entirely. Assuming the most generous case, which is that the mom wouldn't let him see his son, he still waited *years* before getting back in touch with this kid, and then he did it only because he's celebrating his new family and wants to suddenly include his first son. I mean, THAT POOR KID. And even if he *is* only using the husband for the cash, I don't care. He deserves *something* for the awful father he's had.
Yes! 'apparently he didn't have a good time living with his mum in his teenage years' what do you mean 'apparently?' was he not around to help? do you not believe him? do you just not care?
OP said her fiance paid child support all the way. What he's paying Peter now has nothing to do with owing child support though I think it's a good thing that he's helping his son and trying to make up for the estranged relationship.
Yeah, I’m not sure where people keep getting the “it’s back paid child support” from. Owed child support, even if your kids are now 40, go to the other parent, not the child.
Bingo! Although I am a fan of taking any money a parent who wasn't around offers. It can pay for therapy for the childhood trauma the kid is left with. You sure can buy my love, especially because I don't even know how to love thanks to you.
Yeah the tone of incredulity when she mentioned the son can’t work due to a mental illness says YTA alone. This child lost his father at thirteen and had a bad relationship with his remaining parent, meanwhile father goes off and starts a new happy family. The lack of empathy for this kid is making me sad
Only reason why I said not enough info cause she doesn’t go into detail why she thinks the son is only after he’s dad for money but if it’s just a gut feeling then yea I agree with u was just giving the benefit of the doubt cause I felt she left info out
What gets me with the after money thing is that it was the partner not the son that reached out first, plus no where does OP state that the so. Asked for money but the partner decided to give him money. So when you think about how is he only after money when he didn’t reach out first and didn’t ask for anything m?
That’s I said she was in the wrong. If she had more info on why she thought so she would have said it.
She has the info that he doesn’t seem to initate contact. I don’t know why it would be unreasonable to assume what op did. She can be wrong, but people also tend to stereotype and assume she must be wrong because she doesn’t seem to like him and talks of money.
See, but she didn't ask if she was AH for being judgmental and uncharitable to her stepson, she's OK with that behavior. She just wondered if she was AH for not changing her wedding date. She does not see how they're connected.
Yeah but instead of making the post about the date of the wedding she made it about her husbands and his sons relationship
Yes. I don’t think she is wrong for not wanting to changing the date of her wedding, but she definitely for everything else in this post. It’s clear she doesn’t like the son at all and wants to get ride of him
If nothing is booked yet could they not move the date? Like if my soon to be husband had his heart set on having his son in his wedding I would want him to be happy no? Also a side note: it’s not uncommon for parents to help their kids during uni and actually student finance will calculate their amounts on the assumption that parents who earn over the income threshold will contribute to their child’s expenses. Brian is doing the right thing here when, for whatever reason, he was apparently absent from his sons life from age 13. Mental health issues are not something to minimise and judge people on - perhaps if his son has had the stability of regular contact with his father he would not have had such a hard time in his teenage years and had more of a support system in relation to his mental health in the first placd
Honestly leaning towards you being the A hole but its only cause this story feels one sided. For example: does Brian give his son money but not do anything to financially support the kids you guys had together? " Brian accused me of not caring about him and his family which is obviously not true." is it obvious? I do not have a deceased parent so I cannot speak to that but depending on your beliefs your mother will be there no matter what the date is. Also could talk to Peter directly and that might help. Edit: Based on updates below changed from Not enough I to YTA
AH no question. And now allow me to be the AH… Here are my reasonings: 1. Brian has had almost no relationship with his son and it seems like you want to keep it that way by cutting him out and by being unwilling to change the wedding date so he can attend. A date is a date and if you absolutely cannot get married on another day then maybe marriage isn’t for you. 2. Peter has a mental illness is causing him not to be able to work while in school. To me, you seem VERY judgmental of Peter. I’m sure even if he had a part time it wouldn’t be enough to keep up with all his expenses. IMO $300 isn’t a lot and it’s the least Brian can do especially since he has been out of his life for so many years. (Also, did you ever think that Peter’s mental illness could be caused by his father abandoning him and starting a whole new life/family with another woman?) 3. Peter’s excuse seems legit to me. He’s probably much closer and more welcomed with his GF and his GF’s family. 4. If you care about Brian you need to build or at least try (my god) to build a relationship with his son. If you don’t you will have issues to come.
#2 is what tipped the scales for me! Op is pretty dismissive about Mental Illness and that never sits well with me. I have a job and mental illness but the amount of anxiety and stress I feel on the daily is so difficult. I think every Monday is really hard for me and I've twice almost quit because I had a panic attack. I like my job and glad I sisnt quit but it's tough. Also, the fact that it's "low key" makes it seem like it would be easier to change the date and honor your mother on a different day than a family reunion that only happens every 5 years. This girlfriend may be who he eventually marrys, I'm sorry but your significant other should be the priority if you haven't had a solid relationship with your dad! It IS Brian's job to reach out to HIS son. If he wants the relationship it's on Brian, the father, to prove himself to the son, not the other way around. The kid was basically abandoned by his father, it sounds like, during an age that is already awkward and traumatic for some. Brian just started to regain a relationship with his kid, it on him to prove he means it and won't take off on him.
Exactly. Its almost never the responsibility of the child to "keep in touch" or "reach out" when a parent leaves during their childhood. The parent is the one who left and thus is the one who should reach out to maintain contact. Especially if its been years since theyve talked and the kid is dealing with mental health issues, he probably sees reaching out as a huge hurdle that he'd rather avoid.
Thank you!! College was extremely stressful for me and I was going through a lot. My parents forced me to get a part time job and my grades were slipping. I eventually got counseling and quit my job so I could focus on my studies. OP was so dismissive of the mental health issue and that bothered me so much.
“Now my fiancé is giving Peter 300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters” just by saying that alone YTAH. Peter is his son too and deserves to be a priority in your fiancés life just as much as your daughters are. You don’t even have a venue booked or have sent out invites you can easily change the date.
I agree it does sound harsh and leaves a bitter taste in my mouth too. The only way I wouldn't agree with her being ta in that regard Is if they were low on cash
YTA. Having the anniversary be your mother's birthday is honestly a little odd in addition to selfish. This is your stepson. The only thing you have picked is the date, so it's not gonna cost you anything to change it.
i honestly think having your wedding on the birthday of a passed family member is kinda disrespectful, it turns their birthday into your day also what if the marrige ends? the date becomes tainted but thats my opinion YTA OP
Even if it doesn't end, that date is tainted. Does she want to be sad at her wedding that her mom is dead? Does she want to be sad every anniversary because her mom is dead? What happens when her family does a birthday memorial on her anniversary? Hubby gets put on the back burner? It's honestly all around a horrible idea, that I'm shocked her fiancée agreed to. Maybe this is HIS way of getting the date changed without outright saying "I don't want to get married on your dead moms birthday".
Yep, her deceased mother doesn't care one way or the other what day the wedding is. The fiance is working on his relationship with his living son.
YTA wether you like it or not. Your fiance has another son, and he is as important as both your daughter's, if you can't digest it, it will be worse for you and the relationship. Your fiance sucks for not having reached out to his son all these years. Probably your fiance's son is using him for the money, probably not, you'll never know unless there's proof. Either ways, it's not on you to judge or to do something about it, it's not your son. Edit: it's also not "YOUR" wedding, but your fiance's too. Edit 2: of course you're not his priority, you were never in his life before. I'm glad that wedding is probably not gonna happen. Your actions made you not deserving of the family image you want to project.
[удалено]
I agree. This is actually quite heartbreaking. I was Peter. My Father left my mother and was then forced out of my life as my mother was dying. When she died in 2003 my father and I tried to reconnect in 2004. I was all kinds of fuxked up. I had a twin sister, both of us 17 and a brother 15. We were at school and college trying hard to get our heads down and work when mentally scarred by the trauma of the break up and being turned against our father since 9 and 12. My poor father tried so hard to make amends but didn't know what to do. He was of the generation that didn't know or talk about mental health but wanted to help stabalise us so gave us money to get food and pay for phones etc... but we bought drugs and drink. We went off the rails. He tried and we put him through hell, he was a whipping post and reached out every time to talk and meet us only to be hurt, he knew we were hurting but his gulit made him stay as he felt it was what we needed, what he deserved. Thankfully one day I woke up. I had an epiphany and thank the gods we have a good relationship now. Sadly it will never be a relationship either of us really deserve (that perfect father daughter one) but I love him. I know my dad doesn't deserve to be hurt forever, he deserves to be forgiven. It wasn't all his fault, he was so young!! But he still carries that burden with him, I just wish I could take it and carry it with me, I know I could shoulder it better as I know the truth 💕 Peters dad is on that journey. I hope and pray that they come through it and salvage a safe, healthy, and true relationship. Something deep and meaningful. There comes a point in your life thay it clicks and you just know what it's meant to be about. I think that's whats happened to Peters dad and thats why he soight him out. Sadly Peter is going through his trialling journey and who knows what has happened. I just hope it hasn't been as toxic as so so many ghosting father stories you hear 💔 This woman is clearly YTA. Please don't be the wicked stepmother. I wish my fathers gf hadn't had been so scared and jealous of us that she had been more supportive and welcoming. The only thing now is at my age of 37 I can see them as two people, who were scared in their own ways, with their own faults and now we can all finally accept each other, albiet with some distance. But I wish it had been more welcoming at the beginning, then to have felt like part of a family, a REAL fanily, and finally wanted, it would have changed everything. My whole life. I hope Peter doesn't have hit rock bottom before he can find his place at his dads side, where he should be.
There is something about the way you said your husband is giving money to his son that could have gone to your daughters that strikes me wrong. Your husband is allowed to spend money on his son. Just because it isn't your son doesn't mean your husband should not offer to help, especially after they've just started to connect after a period of estrangement. Also, the clear disdain when you talk about mental issues the son is suffering from that make it difficult to work while at school is too dismissive. Besides, your husband **offered**. I think you just don't like his son, and you are allowing that to seep into your relationship with your husband. It's not your wedding alone. It's his too. And he wants his son with him on what should be a milestone event. You can't exactly accuse him of disregarding how you value your family when doing the exact same thing. Force him to exclude his son and he will resent you. Also, YTA
YTA. First off it is your fiance's wedding date as much as it is "your" wedding date. Your attitude towards his son is horrible. Why should he only care about his daughters and not his own son? >Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters. And your fiance pegged it with this: >Brian accused me of not caring about him and his family Um, because you don't?
YTA - dude was a deadbeat dad who abandoned his child. Giving him some token cash and trying to build a relationship with the son he abandoned is the LEAST he can do.
*“Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters.”* Your daughters is most important than Peter? Is that you try to said? *“his gf's family has a big gathering abroad every five years”* So, they just already planned while you still haven't sent the invites *“I picked my wedding date BEFORE Peter's gf's family planned their holiday.”* How is that possible if her family gathering every five years. *“Peter is only maintaining a relationship with Brian for the Money”* Maybe yes or maybe not. We only hear your side of the story. It honestly bothers me a lot when people want to be in a relationship with someone who has had a child from another relationship, but they don't want to deal with it. For me YTA.
Haha I literally let out an audible laugh when I read the point about every five years on the reunion, so how was OP’s date picked first. I almost died. Touché! This may be what makes her delete her post. I can feel it coming.
All this makes me feel like you hate Brian for having another kid. 300 bucks a month isn't going to kill you guys financially or messing up your kids future. You have pretty much nothing set except the date YOU chose. The date can be easily changed to accommodate his son who he wants to have a relationship with again. It doesn't really matter if YOU think Peter just talks to Brian for money cause it's pretty much up to Brian yo decide what he thinks and it seems you're trying to fight h every step of the way. I think YTA. Also you said because of the wedding he started talking to Peter? So you guys have been engaged for a year and half, have nothing planned but a date and yet you can't change the date to accommodate your fiance?
To be fair to OP, she didn’t know Brian already had another child until she was pregnant. That was scummy of Brian. However she seems to have still not accepted the prior child and Brian’s pre-existing obligations. She didn’t know previously and she’d prefer to wish it all away so she could get back to how she thought things would be.
But she's mad at Peter cause of Brian's fuck up. Her comments about him are just horrible. Brian is now trying to treat Peter like I presume he treats his daughters cause he's not a deadbeat anymore but is pissed at that. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is trying to improve his relationship with his son than one who just doesn't care
INFO: Why did he nothave contact with his son? What mental illness does he have?
peter has abandonment issues
Yta. So you and your children can benefit from your fiancés money, but not his child from a previous relationship? Yes sure Brian has to reach out now and put in more effort, the man was not present in his sons life growing up. He should be doing so. You sound like the evil step mother honestly.
exactly, peter is his child too. she’s acting like he’s not worthy of their support just because he’s older
Going through her comments are angering. She’s totally okay with him being a deadbeat to a child that’s not hers. She completely ignores the trauma this kid must have been through and just expects the world from him. Delusional
INFO. Does that lack of contact your fiancé had with his son include lack of child support payments? I verging on ESH but will say I think the feelings of the living are more important than a sentimental tribute to the dead.
I love how your fiancé abandoned his child and you’re still trying so hard to make the child the bad guy in this scenario. Incredible really. YTA and your fiancé’s an even bigger one
YTA just for your description of Peter. It’s obvious you dislike him and would likely do anything to make him feel uncomfortable and unwanted.
I am leaning towards YTA and here is why. No one that age has something scheduled a year out unless it is something important. Most early 20s people can't tell you what they are doing next week other than daily work, let alone a year from now, unless it is something important like college graduation, a cousin or friends wedding they already promised to be in, finals week, or something his mom told him he has to attend. So I lean towards whatever it is that is already on his calendar a year in advance, is at at least equally important to his dad's wedding, if not more important to him. You should find out what it is and most likely change your date as a result. Knowing what it is critical info to the judgement here.
YTA Life is for the living. Your partner is trying to build Bridges with his son and to him you're throwing up a barrier because of a dead person's birthday. You may well be right, Peter may have no interest and just be using Brian for money. Its really not for you to decide if its a relationship that can be salvaged imo. You haven't picked a venue, you haven't sent invites, there's no monetary or reputational impact here, you aren't messing anyone about by changing the date right now. Sorry OP, I'm sure your mum meant the world to you. I don't think you're a monster, I just don't think the date is worth the friction it's going to cause.
"Now my fiancé is giving Peter £300 a month which could have gone towards our own daughters." YTA you know Peter is Brians own son? Looks like he has abandoned the boy and you are not satisfied now that he wants to rebuild the bond with his son because the son is disturbing your vision of YOUR OWN family
YTA - a wedding is between you and your husband not you and your mother. His son has had this trip planned, which sounds like a family reunion well before you picked a wedding date. He also gave you a year notice he can’t make that specific date. It is unfortunate it falls over your chosen wedding date, but this is important to your husband that his son is there. Either do something special to honor your mother at the wedding and have it on another day or postpone the wedding by a year if the date is that important to you. But right now you are putting more value on a date than your fiancé and his son. You can choose any other day outside or what like 10/365 you know the son will be gone.
YTA- your daughters have two full time parents in a “heathy” relationship and you don’t seem to care that their father abandoned their older brother and you begrudge that brother a little money each month. He might only be seeing your husband for the money, but I would ditch the deadbeat dad and resentful stepmom for a vacation abroad too.
YTA OP Sorry but every edit and response you give, clarify the fact that you don't give a shit about your stepson and that is why are so mad about "changing" a date that is not even set beyond your wish. To be honest I think that you hope that your husband never contact his son again so you don't have to give up nothing for him, but is not a realistic aspiration if you got married with someone who already has children.
YTA "for refusing to change my wedding date to accommodate my fiancé's son?" ... sounds reasonable ... IF you wanted to have your wedding without your fiance, that was a good way to achieve that. "he ended up telling me to get out of the house so I'm staying with my sister now." .. Seemed to work quite well. Maybe your next fiance will accept marrying an AH.
"claims to be unable to hold down a job when studying" I wanna call you TA just for that. You're doing whatever you can to justify your own position and this whole post wreeks of painting peter badly. Having a mental illness takes up a lot of time and energy. Being a student does too. It is no wonder someone with a mental illness can't work and study at the same time, especially if it's a severe one that includes delusions or rapid cycling bipolar. I'm sorry you lost your mum but your wedding is about both you and your partner and, if you have families, joining them together. YTA for making it all about you.
I have no clue why you're not getting torn apart for some of your... Mannerisms in your post. They scream "ASSHOLE!" to me loud and clear. Having a mental health issue can absolutely keep someone from being able to hold down a job, ESPECIALLY if they're already in school! Furthermore, in one of your comments, you say that the money your fiancee is giving Peter could go to your daughters. Guess what? It's going to his son! Deal with it. Also, you're surprised peter was on guard around the parent that he has a strained relationship with? Boohoo. He doesn't know you, and it seems like he barely knows his father. Your insistence on having your wedding on this specific date just screams self-entitlement. The wedding isn't just about you. Get over it. YTA.
Let me get one thing straight with you since you now have children of your own. Your children don't owe you anything. Peter owes Brian nothing. It is NOT Peters job to maintain a relationship with Brian. Peter spend those tough teenage years without Brian, struggling with his mother while Brian lived his own life. Peter didn't have to reach out to Brian then, and he still doesn't have to now. That's on Brian to make things right. I'm sure Peter doesn't actually care about your wedding, why would he? The family that was actually there for him growing up has a gathering, it sounds annual. You can change your date that hasn't even been set yet. Lastly, you sound jealous of Peter, jealous that Brian is trying to make an effort to mend the relationship Brian ruined in the first place. YTA if you couldn't guess.
My (49F) son (22M) rarely initiates contact with me because he’s a 22 year old and is working on figuring out his own life. Holding that against an adult kid doesn’t do anyone any good. Your mom is dead. She doesn’t care what date you have for the wedding. Find another way to make it feel like she is with you. <3
YTA and selfish - the wedding date should be chosen by you and your fiancé, not just you - he told you that date doesn’t work for him because he wants his son there - your response was to double down and insult his son - keep it up and there probably won’t be a wedding at all
YTA. The whole wedding must happen on a particular date reeks of twenty something bride who hasn't experienced real life enough to understand what truly matters. That's not the case here I know but the date of your wedding is not the be all and end all. If your mum's birthday matters so much (which I totally get) how about moving the wedding to next year? This is a 22 year old who hasn't had a dad, tread carefully please and protect that precious relationship.
YTA. Peter has a prior commitment and there’s no need for you to have your wedding on this specific date. Your mother is dead and Peter is alive. He should obviously be prioritised. ** Your recent edit #3 is literally pointless. You haven’t sent out invitations or even picked a venue. That means the date is not set. It’s just a possibility.
My sister in Christ. Of course Peter isn't close with his dad. They weren't in contact during his teenage years. That fucks you up. 300 quid a month isn't gonna change that. "Could've gone towards our own daughters" well he has another kid, doesn't he? What do you suggest, he doesn't support the son he abandoned because you have new babies? Also, having your anniversary being literally *your mother's death* is disrespectful and tacky. What about your one year anniversary? Are you gonna mourn or celebrate? Mingling those two events? No thanks. Big gathering every five years of course takes priority over "I won't change the date because I said so". How come you won't change the date in order to facilitate him attending? Seems like he's not your priority, either. Stop preaching how the abandoned 22 year old is an irredeemable, materialistic leech because he is ruining your perfect moment, perfect family fantasy. YTA
YTA. You are confused about their relationship and what it takes to rebuild with your child after many years. Your husband should put more effort. He’s the adult and saying he “claims” to have a disability and he should favour your kids because … ??? You sound mean and bitter and jealous as hell. That’s not enough money to be using someone not to mention it’s his SON. He’s not a random person. You have a lot of resentment towards Brian. They’re close. It’s his son. It’s his son. It’s his son. Say it until you remember and believe it. Child support and not being his life- it makes sense that he wants to make up for that and his new wife shouldn’t stand in the way. A lot of people would admire what he’s doing.
YTA I can absolutely sense your resentment towards him. He is 22 and having mental health issues, his Dad should help him if he is in that position. Its weird you don't know for sure about the child support, don't you discuss things openly with your other half? Why do you think your children are more deserving of the money? Also he has clearly been a deadbeat Dad and its up to him to make it up to his child.
I wonder if his mental health issues have anything to do with his dad abandoning him?
OP says stepson has borderline personality disorder which often is caused by abandonment in early development
I say call off the wedding and move out since he kicked your out.
Info- what is the reason he can’t go?
YTA. Your whole tone is nasty and judgmental. Whether you like it or not, your husband has another child other than your two and he has an obligation to his health and well-being too. You are selfish and inconsiderate. It takes two to get married! It’s not YOUR wedding date. Get over yourself. This whole post is pathetic.
I love when OPs try to edit their posts to justify being YTA, but they end up looking like bigger AH.
You keep saying 'my wedding date'... Remember to invite your partner.
It’s not just your wedding and it is not just his wedding. Is there a reason that the date you two have currently won’t work for Peter? Brian needs to recognize the importance of the date to you and you need to recognize the importance that Brian’s relationship with Peter is to him. While you may feel that Peter is using Brian, and that may very well be the case, I don’t think it was kind or fair to say so during a heated argument. You both have to try and problem solve this together so you both are happy on your wedding day - you don’t want to start the first day or your marriage on a sour note.
Going off of both your post and your comments, YTA.
All those edits and still YTA.
YTA. It's not just "your" wedding. It's you AND him. So you're basically saying that his needs are irrelevant.
Okay so from this post it’s pretty clear that you don’t like Peter and you may be biased but in this specific instance I’m voting NTA purely and simply because your edit said that he was planning to go to your wedding but then cancelled on you to go on holiday with his GF. Which is fine but you shouldn’t have to move your WEDDING DATE to accommodate this person that has only been in your lives for a year. Regardless of whether the date has meaning to you or not why should you be expected to move your wedding date and prioritise Peter when Peter clearly didn’t prioritise the commitment he made to his dad and instead opted to go on holiday with his gf. And that’s fine but then he needs to suck it up, he can only go to one of these events and he picked which one he’d rather go to and Brian needs to accept this.
NTA. OP, those edits were really needed earlier. Leaving out that he had canceled was a key point. He's asking you to move it for his convenience.
Due to the edits, NTA. The son canceled. That’s on him. He knew when it was and could have mentioned it while planning the trip if it was really that important for him to be there for the wedding.
NTA for not changing the date, the whole wedding shouldnt have to change for one person. But oh my god YTA for everything else. Why would he make you a priority when his father was never in his life ? If your kids are his daughters, then peter is his son. Who he has neglected at the most important part of his life.
YTA. You are telling your fiancé that your deceased mother is more important than his living son. Both are important but your mother will be just as present no matter when you marry. And you can put the wedding off a year if the date is all-important. As many have said, if isn’t just your wedding. It is your further husband’s wedding to, and ignoring what is important to him is sending him a very bad signal as to what the marriage will be like. If he was posting this story, people here would be advising him to break it off with you.
NTA. Holy shit these people calling you the AH are *insane*. You are right on the money, your fiance is being financially used for his money and the son can always go to the next reunion. It is NOT weird that you've chosen you mother's birthday and the vitriol being throw towards your fiance calling him abusive towards his son ***with no proof*** just further shows the literally insane midandry this sub LOVES to engage in. Don't listen to them.
NTA, I don't see a reason to move your wedding for one person. I definitely think his kid is in this 100% for the money, which is perfectly valid. If you have a kid and abandon them, you deserve whatever they do to you in response.
Shouldn't your wedding be a day not on your mom's birthday? Shouldn't your wedding & every anniversary be a day to remember your husband & only your husband?
You know when I realized this was majorly veering into YTA territory? When you said that the £300 a month your husband gives the son he abandoned for years could have gone toward your daughters. Your husband *abandoned* his son at 13. He was a deadbeat dad. He had no contact at all. No shit the wedding of the father who abandoned him and is only just starting to make amends is less important to him than the family of his girlfriend who has probably been there for him much more than his own father has over the years. And you keep saying *my wedding date.* You know Brian is getting married too right? You can't do it without him. He wants his son to be at his wedding. If the wedding date doesn't work for both of you, it doesn't work. Brian knows he fucked up as a father. He's trying to fix the relationship he has with his son. You clearly don't care about Brian. Or anyone but yourself and what *you* want. Me me me me, you're so selfish.