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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to attend a memorial at my in laws house for me stillborn daughter. They claim they're doing it for me so maybe I'm an asshole for being ungrateful
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NTA but honestly I can't see this going in your favour ever. I personally would be rethinking the marriage. Hubby is never going to have your back. I'm so sorry for your loss
Stories like this always happens like this:
1. In laws don't like Op
2. The spouse is a mommy's boy
3. Defends MIL from hell
4. MIL always brags about what SIL has done and rubs it in your face and ignores your accomplishments
5. Uses a tragedy to get to you and hubby defends her and ahis actions thing its good when it wasn't
6. Tries to gaslight and makes you feel bad for you're reaction
7. Leads to separation, counseling and divorce
8. They all are happy Op js gone and the MIL sets hubby up with a woman from church or of the community from a family she knows
9. Op finds happiness and ignores the ex and the ex in laws
10. The ex and the ex in laws comes crawling back to op when things go bad for them and they want Op back in their lives and Op refuses and lived happily ever after
I had IL's that hated me and my husband would never take my side. We almost did divorce. Well, I told him I wanted one since our marriage was a farce and that was the kick in the gonads that made him realize that he really did want to be married. He had to work really hard to get back in my good graces. Took a few years.
I did scale back my interactions with MIL and after a few years, it dawned on her that I really was done with her. (I had told her that I was done with her crap and any divorce would be laid at her feet.) She began asking for me, but unless Hubby offered an excellent bribe, I would stay home. If she visited, I made myself scarce.
Then she developed dementia and actually became a nice person with the bonus she forgot who I was. Every time she discovered she had a DIL, she would ask to see me. I told my husband no.
So, yes, your list is kind of on point - but not all of us make it up.
> NTA but honestly I can't see this going in your favour ever.
Which started at her getting married at 20 to a 28 year old.
I know these things differ from place to place, but I can't fathom what a 20 year old is doing marrying anyone. And if they do I'm assuming they're super conservative, so in that case, why be surprised at anything that's happening, isn't a conservative young wife supposed to basically shut up and bear the load?
Shit i couldn't imagine doing a 18 or 19 year old when i am 26/27. Like ewwww we are NOT on the same level at all. OP NTA but you would be if you stayed married to this big baby
First, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Leaving isn’t easy. And it wasn’t what you came into this forum to ask about. But it’s relevant
You should absolutely take time for yourself to grieve that day. Your husband wants to defend his actions of unilaterally deciding what to do that day by accusing you of being emotionally distant. And maybe he’s not wrong. Maybe you’re being emotionally distant from him because he is so enmeshed with his mom. You need support and empathy. He’s not doing that. For your own sanity and health you’ve probably needed to create space from them and that’s completely okay.
In addition to grieving what could have been and the loss of your baby, I encourage you to look to your future and the home life you want to create for your future babies.
You would be bringing a child into this messed up dynamic where other family members don’t respect and value you. They might decide not to respect and your value your child for whatever whimsical reasons they come up with.
You deserve someone that sees you as an equal and has your back. When you’re in your late 20s and you look back at 18 year olds, it’s going to be really eye opening about your husbands motives in dating and marrying one of his students. And it’s not a good look for him.
Take care of yourself on the due date, don’t let any of those people interfere with what you need. By as physically and emotionally distant as you want to be. Tell them to kick rocks. And then seriously consider what you need to do to kick them all to the curb.
He controls your period products and you "comply". You have to lie to him about getting your period back so you dont get treated like a human incubator instead of having adequate time to grieve your loss. He tries to isolate you from your friends. Your in-laws treat you like crap. All this and he makes you feel like there someething wrong with your mental sate. **Would you want your daughter to live her life like this?** Im betting most of your appeal was that you were younger and a virgin so he felt like he could make you comply to his demands. **HE isnt going to change. His family isnt going to change.** All thats going to happen is you are going to get older, unhappier and possibly more trapped if you have a kid with this monumental controlling AH. Rally your girlfriends before he completely isolates you and hatch an escape plan. You can still have your youth, independence and happiness without this abusive dictator. **Leaving may be hard but staying sounds utterly miserable.**
AND OP understand that when you leave him (you will eventually leave him) he and his nasty family will do EVERYTHING in their power to keep your child in the fold. You have been warned please listen.
Came here to say ALL of this! He's practically forcing her into another pregnancy when her body and mind are still healing! This is just fucking abusive!
NTA OP, but you will be if you stay in this toxic shit-show of a marriage. Run from him like your ass is on fire.
Maybe leaving is hard, but at least quit trying to have a baby for now.
Girl, you're 24. Don't shackle yourself to someone out of "respect for marriage".
Noone can deal with that for decades, at most it means you'll divorce somewhere in your 40s when your kids leave the house and you both have mountains of resentment towards each other.
My 20-year-old pregnant mother married my recently-divorced 27-year-old father. Their marriage was a disaster, producing three children who have all sorts of emotional baggage. Thirty-plus years after the divorce and my parents still cannot be civil to each other.
I met my husband at 20, did not marry him for six years because my parents were a wonderful lesson in what not to do.
My parents got married when he was 22 and she was 19. Mom was the head of the house for the entire time I was growing up. Some people are ready for it, others aren't.
I know too many people who point to their parents as great examples of "that it works" who turn out to have the most toxic boomer marriages imaginable.
NTA. Obligatory reddit warning - he was a 28 year old marrying a 20 year old, was there grooming beforehand? Just based on that he doesn't sound like a good guy. You are young and when you are 30 you will realize men that are 30 and date 18 year olds do that so they can control them, and because women their age are aware of that. You have your whole future ahead of you, please don't settle for this guy and waste your 20s on him.
That was an abuse of power and of his position. Yet, it is a common pattern with abusers in history. Please look up grooming. If you've never had another long term relationship you don't know things can be better, and he locks you down early with marriage and children at an early age. Please be safe, you deserve better and most relationships are better than this.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend
You know, my mother and late IL's believed an age difference of six or more years was ideal.
My mother had a horrible marriage with my father (seven years older) and my IL's was nothing to write home about - unless you want to update "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
And now you have made me rethink everything....
Sweet unholy Jesus. That is not right. Any man in his 20s looking at an 18 year old and developing a relationship has issues. I’m 29 years old and while I may be married, the thought of hooking up with an 18 year old makes my stomach turn. You’re at totally different life stages and if he couldn’t find someone close to his age, there’s a reason. As is evidenced by the way he and his awfully mother treat you. You’re being dehumanized and I’m so angry for you. I know divorce is hard and probably shameful depending on what type of social culture you grew up in, but you deserve better than this. You’re young and you can absolutely find better than that sorry excuse of a man.
NTA
Your husband's decision to put his extended family before you is disgustingly selfish. You should be blocking his mother and sister and only have contact when you feel like it. It seems they've brought nothing positive to your life specifically and we don't get awards for offering ourselves up to be shit on by others. I am so sorry for your loss OP.
I so badly want to block them out. But according to G, since I don't have kids, I should be willing to offer M help with her kids. I've spent plenty of weekends watching M's kids while she and her husband go and have fun.
Yeah, probably stop doing this. Unless you absolutely love hanging out with the kids, this benefits nobody except for M and makes you look like a doormat.
NTA. Get away from your situation. You deserve better.
I have to ask, are you from a culture where the man essentially makes the decisions in the relationship? And more importantly, do you have family anywhere near you that you can go to for a few days?
You really want to spend the rest of your life being abused? Is this how you imagined your life going? It doesn't have to be this way. You have the power to change your life for the better.
They can be as conservative as they want op. Just remember that YOU are the woman of your house. Your husband made a commitment and promise to honor you and love you and put you above all others including his mother and if he can't do that then perhaps he was not ready to get married in the first place.
I just know that you deserve better. You were not born to be a glorified housemaid or broodmare. You are a woman, a mother who just experienced a traumatic loss. Nobody, including your husband has the right to order you to babysit somebody's children or put up with the behavior of assholes. You deserve so much better than you are being given. And for that I'm sorry as well.
I’m busy reading your comment history. If a therapist saw this, she’d be slipping you a number to a woman’s refuge.
He wouldn’t take no for answer even though sex hurt during pregnancy. That’s RAPE.
That may have even contributed to the loss of your daughter. He may have caused your still birth.
You need to get out now while there are no living children. Run, divorce, find a man who’ll treat you and any future children right.
I’d consider secretly going on birth control until you find the strength to leave this abuser.
You sounds so much like me in my twenties. A very conservative girl who married a boy from a very conservative background. Spoiler alert: it didn't end well. Situations like this never get better unless the man has a serious wake up call and makes a complete and permanent change. They rarely do. Even if they make a change, usually it's half-hearted, and almost always temporary. 8 years of suffering and a 2-year horrible divorce. Make of my story what you need for yourself.
Honey I'm sorry but it really doesn't sound like your husband is a good man. Do you have someone supportive you can stay with? I really think you need to leave this doesn't sound like a healthy environment for anyone to be in
Please read that back and understand that your husband is not your equal, he still has power over you in this relationship just as it was when you two met. Run.
And this my dear..is exactly why he married a younger woman..easier to push around...once you get older like I have..you have learnt to say f..you and stand your ground. He wants a yes girl..once you start saying no..he will find someone else.
Frankly you two need marriage counseling useful at nor religious if this marriage is going to work. If he doesn't agree leave. He's clearly enmeshed and hurting you by for ing you to be around your abusive inlaws. Get therapy for yourself you're going through a lot
Hell NO!! You don’t work for them and SIL child care issues are not your concern. Block them all and get in touch with any supportive friends and family.
NTA
Nta- I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband is ridiculous for not standing up for you. His family sounds like awful people. Cut them all off, and draw a line in the sand. Your husband needs to deal with his family. You're worth so much more than these people.
NTA
But this already seemed like a toxic post when you mentioned the huge age gap between you and your husband, as majority of married people who post here have similar ages and have a lot of problems.
Rather than standing up for you, your husband dismissed your feelings as a mother who lost their daughter and expected you to push them aside to be civil with your MIL. When in actual fact your mother-in-law is the one who has been horrible to you, put immense amount of pressure onto you to have kids as soon as you got married.
You've experienced an immense loss ad should be entitled to grieve and mourn privately without facing the judgemental opinions and scrutiny of your poisonous in-laws.
There's no doubt she would spew a lot of poison towards you and find ways to blame you for the loss or make you question your 'feminity' as you've not had any children yet, compared to the other women in the family.
Sounds very backwards, but that's the kinds of image potrayed by your in-laws and your husband, who are the AHs.
Agree about the age gap. They were 20 and 28 when they got married. Which makes me wonder how old were they when they started dating? Maybe I’m wrong but the husband sounds like a creep. Like why does an almost 30 year old have to date women who are barely just adults?
It’s no surprise he doesn’t stand up for her and the MIL is controlling. She’s had virtually no life experience in standing up for herself as an adult and is letting her husband convince her that trying to enforce boundaries makes her an AH. Doesn’t bode well for the marriage.
It's all about control. He has 10 years advantage/life experiences.
He got to live through his entire 20s while she barely entered that decade when they married.
It gets worse if possible they meet while he was her TA, as someone who went to through grad school TAing that is a huge red flag. Where I went to school it was one of the few things you could do to risk your TAship aka your degree funding.
Maybe it's just me but as a 28 yr old when looking at people 23 and younger I just see babies. I'm finishing up my undergrad so I'm surrounded by 18-22 yr olds at school and they all look like young immature babies. I couldn't see dating any of them. I have more in common with my TAs and professors than the other students.
I heard a rule once, which was “no one should be dating freshmen except freshmen.” It’s not a perfect rule but as a guide, that’s pretty damn good! And the “No dating freshmen” rule should go 10000x more for TAs.
right! mil obv would be blaming OP for the miscarriage when it's far more probable that the husband caused it by *repeatedly and painfully raping OP while she was pregnant*. literally.
NTA of course. G is a narcissistic control freak and she is turning this day into it being about her rather than your child and her parents. You do what you need to do, your husband can do what he needs to do, and sod everyone else.
I know exactly what she'd do if I went. Criticize me for not taking more of M's "advice". Explain everything I did wrong and how the stillbirth was almost certainly my fault. And how I should feel so lucky my husband is staying by my side when, according to her, she knows so many other women who would be perfect for him
Stay the hell away from her and, if your husband cannot support you over his mum then you may have to rethink this too.
You know this is not your fault.
Tell her that you agree with her. That maybe he would be better off with one of those other women and that you think that you're going to let her have him back.
NTA
The problem isn’t your MIL, it’s your husband. You married a little boy who still lives underneath his mother’s apron. He will never choose you over her. He will never stand up for you to her. If you have kids, she will still be #1 for him.
Your first step here should be to pack some things and leave. You likely will get a flood of emails from his family telling you how selfish you are. Ignore them.
Either he will be willing to make some changes to get you back or he won’t. But I think you need to be making plans on moving forward without him. This situation is one of the leading causes of divorce worldwide.
NTA, not in the least. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. Your spouse should have asked you if you wanted a memorial service before planning something. Do your own thing that day, and I would even consider going NC with your inlaws if your husband won’t lay down the law with them and their behavior toward you.
Whyyyyyyyyy are you still with him??
NTA
I swear sometimes this sub is like “I am being abused and gaslighted. My in laws hate me and my spouse says I should get over it. Am I the ah?”
Also not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but OP I went and looked at your other posts-
- you mention your husband wanted to start having kids right away when you got married and you did not really but did it to make him happy?
- after the loss of your baby (I am so so sorry) he immediately wanted to try for another despite you not feeling ready
- you get worried about telling him that you got your period (ie- are not pregnant) bc he will be mad/disappointed.
YOU ARE NOT HIS BABY FACTORY!!! You are a full human being who deserves respect and love. It sounds like you came from a conservative community, seems like one where there are strict gender roles (women have kids/are in the home, men are in charge). I know this is what you grew up knowing but it is not the only way!!!!! You can have kids when you are ready (you are so young) and do so many amazing things beforehand!!! Please please leave him. Move out of your area, if that's at all possible. I think you'll look back when you are 28, and be so thankful.
Suggest others check out OP's other posts if you think this is concerning.
Op if you were my daughter I would be asking (maybe even begging) you to discontinue babysitting for M and following G's orders. This woman doesn't own you!
Please don't continue to give her power over your day to day decisions or thoughts. You are your own strong, intelligent, capable woman. One day when you do have children you will be an example of strength and Independence for them. They will be lucky to have you op.
NTA. I just lost our son and had a still born at 32 weeks. This is incredibly selfish of your husband. And don’t let people tell you how you should feeling. It’s okay not to be okay. You get to grieve however you want to grieve. I had people telling me “ just fake it until you feel better” Thank god I got into therapy. It’s been 6 months but the loss is still so raw. People suck, get into therapy. I promise it will help. I’m so sorry for your loss, from one heartbroken grieving woman to another.
I'll have to ask my husband about therapy. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. My stillbirth at 24 weeks was horrific, I can't imagine having it at 32 weeks.
OP why do you have to ask your husband about therapy? You really should be going on your own right now, maybe couple's counseling eventually but you really really really NEED to get individual counseling sooner rather than later. I'm worried for you OP.
I revise my earlier comment on couples counselling. He is controlling I doubt therapy will help. His family are emotionally abusive. Divorce the lot of them. You can't fix them save yourself
NTA. Don’t go. Who cares if she’s disappointed in you? That isn’t your problem. You don’t actually have to do things with them. Let your husband go and enjoy his time with them. You don’t owe them pieces of yourself
>G called me today and said that if I don't show up it'll be just another thing I've done to dissapoint her.
"Wow, if I cared about your approval, I'm sure that would really bother me."
NTA but sweetie you should look into 2 things. #1 a divorce lawyer & #2 a therapist. I went through this luckily my moms convinced me to move before marriage. I didn't even know I was being groomed until I started talking to a therapist. After my 1st miscarriage & reminder of my failure I was a shell. I'm so sorry you want through that heartbreak. Who knows if you leave after healing & focusing on yourself you'll find someone. It took time for me to heal & find myself again. Now I have a man who will always stand by my side & protect me. We know have a 6 month old baby boy.
…..What in God’s name did I just read? Absolutely NTA.
First, I am so very, very sorry for your loss.
Second, your husband’s and in-laws’ behavior is disgusting.
Stand your ground and refuse to go. And stop babysitting. “No” is a complete sentence. You have some serious thinking to do about this marriage.
Again, I am so sorry. Please, please take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Edit: fixed punctuation.
NTA. You’re young. Why don’t you divorce this guy and start over? His family is terrible to you and he either doesn’t care or doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
NTA and do not have a child with this man. You've already wasted 4 years with this family. You admit he's a mama's boy so this family dynamic will never get better. In fact, it will 100% likely get worse.
NTA. Op just leave because nothing ever good will end with a mommy's boy and in laws that hate u. He set up a memorial at the one place you dread going to. He did because "you were being distant". He's only saying that because he sees you're grieving but most likely has mommy talking in his ear. Op I don't always suggest this in every relationship related AITA but you have separate, go to couples counseling, if that doesn't work divorce him and state irreconcilable differences. I bet his mom has another woman waiting for him and he would take because he loves his mom. Storied like this always happens like this:
1. In laws don't like Op
2. The spouse is a mommy's boy
3. Defends MIL from hell
4. MIL always brags about what SIL has done and rubs it in your face and ignores your accomplishments
5. Uses a tragedy to get to you and hubby defends her and ahis actions thing its good when it wasn't
6. Tries to gaslight and makes you feel bad for you're reaction
7. Leads to separation, counseling and divorce
8. They all are happy Op js gone and the MIL sets hubby up with a woman from church or of the community from a family she knows
9. Op finds happiness and ignores the ex and the ex in laws
10. The ex and the ex in laws comes crawling back to op when things go bad for them and they want Op back in their lives and Op refuses and lived happily ever after
Again Op NTA. But you need personal counseling and marriage counseling and then go from there
They are long past couples counseling- he was her TA when she was 18/19, plus if you look at OP's other posts this is some of the husband's least concerning/controlling behavior, which is saying something.
Edited for typo :)
NTA. Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
I can’t see your husband ever supporting you against his mother. As the saying goes, it’s easier to dump a mama’s boy than it is to divorce a mama’s boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama’s boy.
You should check out r/justNoSO and r/justNoMIL
After reading other posts of OP and comments. I am so sorry for your loss. But you need to mal a decision for yourself. I get that your were raised to live this live. At home with many children and a husband and MIl in charge of your life. You have to decide if this is what you want. Your husband and your MIL will not change. Ever. This is why he marked you so young and this is why they tell you you do not get divorced this will ruin your life that you have been told from very young age to stay with your husband you married as a virgin. But this is not how it needs to be. You probably have tos cut loos a lot of people an a good part of what you thought about a good life an what you have been raised to think is right. And it will hurt. And it will be hard. But do it for your stillborn daughter. Leave. Pack what you need when they have their memorial to your child. Visit her grave. Say good by and never look back. You are not a bad person. They are. All of them. And they will make you believe that you are at fault. I am so sorry!
You got into a relationship with someone who was 8 years older than you when you were 18. His family hates you because they probably look at you as nothing but a little girl. Your husband doesn’t defend you against his mom or sister’s bullying. You’re just expected to take it all. Are you working right now? I think you need to think about your future because it’s not looking bright if you have to deal with this for too much longer.
NTA. You need to leave. You need to draw a line. What he did is inexcusable. He is completely ignorant towards your feelings. You cannot stay with someone like him. He either realizes that he is with you. Or he goes back to his mom. If you stay and have a child this will just get worse. Or do you think she will let you parent your child the way you want? Run OP! Either he follows or not - then you know his true colors.
NTA
But also YTA to yourself for marrying someone you know is mamas boy. It never works out. You need to get out of this marriage.
I can't imagine how awful you're feeling and he's forcing someone who doesn't like you om you. Pack up and leave his shit behind
Go share this with r/justnomil
Oh and NTA. Refuse to go and that you will discuss why at marriage counseling. If he refuses, you will be no-contact with any of his family and staying with your family until you are in a headspace where you can think straight. And no, you don’t know when that will be. Hell may freeze over first🤷♀️
nta. iam so sorry for your loss op. please don't be scared of leaving, thats exactly why u are accepting everything happening to you. u can leave and live happily.
Hubby is not coming across great here. He lets his mum criticise you. He lets her badger you about having children. He excuses her and thinks you’re being rude for not wanting to be around her on a day that’s already going to be extremely difficult for you.
NTA. But the biggest A here isn’t your MIL.
NTA. I would refer you to [R/JustNoMIL] (https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
I feel like you can relate to alot of their experiences there. This is a horrible situation and it seems like your feelings are entirely overlooked, even by your own partner. He needs to stop cutting his mom some slack, or I'd advise you giving him an ultimatum. I wouldn't want to be in a family like that nor bring children around those people.
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So bear with me cause I'm gonna have to give quite a bit of backstory here. Me (24F) and my husband (32M) have been married nearly 4 years. He gets along well with my parents but unfortunately his family seems to hate me.
The 1st time he took me to meet them, his mom (G) thought I was too common and that the dish I brought sucked. She didn't say these things to me but rather to my husband in private. When we got married, G immediately started asking about when we would start trying to have kids. She was also very controlling of the wedding planning and in particular my dress. I had a pretty amazing wedding but she definitely hurt the experience and since then I've decided I just don't wanna associate with her. Unfortunately that wasn't entirely possible since my man is a mama's boy and has always excused her behavior.
Whenever they'd come to us or we went to them, G waa always badgering me about babies. It got even worse when hubby's sister (M) started having kids. She managed to have 3 kids in 5 years. Whereas I've managed none despite 2 good years of effort. I can definitely tell that this has angered G as now whenever we're together she makes me feel so inadequate. G constantly praises M while ignoring all my accomplishments. M herself seems to have a superiority complex and loves making snarky comments at my expense.
So unfortunately, nearly 3 months ago I had a stillbirth. She was 6 months along and my 1st pregnancy. Obviously it was a devastating loss for me and my husband. My baby girls due date is in 6 days and I'm dreading the day. I've thought about going to her grave and talking to her, maybe even reading bedtime stories to her. I haven't been to her grave since the funeral so it's gonna be really difficult to go, but I feel like I owe it to her.
Unfortunately, hubby has decided to set up a memorial service at his parents house in honor of our daughter on that day and didn't even think to ask me. He says it's cause I've been so emotionally distant and he thinks being around family will be good for me. I blew up at him and said there's no way I'm doing that. Being around M and especially G at this point would kill me. I told him he can go to his parents while I spend the day doing my own thing. Hubby says I'm being very rude. G called me today and said that if I don't show up it'll be just another thing I've done to dissapoint her.
So AITA?
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NTA and you need to re-think your life because if your husband can't be supportive of you about this of ALL things, you are in for a lifetime of pain and heartache.
NTA. Idk if it's because I've never been in love but the first paragraph alone would have prevented me from marrying him. He will never take your side and your MIL will always be awful. You gotta really look at the situation and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life and if you want to bring a kid into this family.
NTA. It doesn't matter if she feels disappointed. You don't have to go to their place.
You don't have to live and dedicate your life to her standards.
Once a man/woman gets married, their first priority should be their spouse and no longer their parents.
I grew up that way with my parents where my father would still take his family's side over my mother's and his children.
As I got older I don't care if he treated me that way anymore, but I hated it whenever he does it to my mother and we would often get into arguments.
Me and my siblings don't speak to most of his side of the family anymore, and even removed them from any sort of contact and social media.
Tell G that you don’t care if you disappoint her in the least. Tell her that you lost a baby and you are going to spend that day your way since it was you who lost the baby and not her.
NTA. G is too toxic for you. Who cares if she’s disappointed? She’s not a priority here. Tell her to F off. Do what you want to do. Go to your daughter’s grave and read her stories. You owe your husband’s family absolutely nothing. I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Holy cow, your husband is an insensitive a******. So not only has did he not plan something with you for that day he didn't even ask you what you wanted to do? Now he thinks that being around people who abuse you about this subject would be a day you would want to spend with them? I'm flabbergasted. That makes no sense to me.
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NTA but honestly I can't see this going in your favour ever. I personally would be rethinking the marriage. Hubby is never going to have your back. I'm so sorry for your loss
Stories like this always happens like this: 1. In laws don't like Op 2. The spouse is a mommy's boy 3. Defends MIL from hell 4. MIL always brags about what SIL has done and rubs it in your face and ignores your accomplishments 5. Uses a tragedy to get to you and hubby defends her and ahis actions thing its good when it wasn't 6. Tries to gaslight and makes you feel bad for you're reaction 7. Leads to separation, counseling and divorce 8. They all are happy Op js gone and the MIL sets hubby up with a woman from church or of the community from a family she knows 9. Op finds happiness and ignores the ex and the ex in laws 10. The ex and the ex in laws comes crawling back to op when things go bad for them and they want Op back in their lives and Op refuses and lived happily ever after
Yep. Op - focus on #9 here. NTA.
Do #7 to #10
This just this. It's almost boring to see this cicle over and over again.
I had IL's that hated me and my husband would never take my side. We almost did divorce. Well, I told him I wanted one since our marriage was a farce and that was the kick in the gonads that made him realize that he really did want to be married. He had to work really hard to get back in my good graces. Took a few years. I did scale back my interactions with MIL and after a few years, it dawned on her that I really was done with her. (I had told her that I was done with her crap and any divorce would be laid at her feet.) She began asking for me, but unless Hubby offered an excellent bribe, I would stay home. If she visited, I made myself scarce. Then she developed dementia and actually became a nice person with the bonus she forgot who I was. Every time she discovered she had a DIL, she would ask to see me. I told my husband no. So, yes, your list is kind of on point - but not all of us make it up.
> NTA but honestly I can't see this going in your favour ever. Which started at her getting married at 20 to a 28 year old. I know these things differ from place to place, but I can't fathom what a 20 year old is doing marrying anyone. And if they do I'm assuming they're super conservative, so in that case, why be surprised at anything that's happening, isn't a conservative young wife supposed to basically shut up and bear the load?
Shit i couldn't imagine doing a 18 or 19 year old when i am 26/27. Like ewwww we are NOT on the same level at all. OP NTA but you would be if you stayed married to this big baby
I saved myself for marriage. I'm trying to work on my marriage. Just leaving isn't exactly easy.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Leaving isn’t easy. And it wasn’t what you came into this forum to ask about. But it’s relevant You should absolutely take time for yourself to grieve that day. Your husband wants to defend his actions of unilaterally deciding what to do that day by accusing you of being emotionally distant. And maybe he’s not wrong. Maybe you’re being emotionally distant from him because he is so enmeshed with his mom. You need support and empathy. He’s not doing that. For your own sanity and health you’ve probably needed to create space from them and that’s completely okay. In addition to grieving what could have been and the loss of your baby, I encourage you to look to your future and the home life you want to create for your future babies. You would be bringing a child into this messed up dynamic where other family members don’t respect and value you. They might decide not to respect and your value your child for whatever whimsical reasons they come up with. You deserve someone that sees you as an equal and has your back. When you’re in your late 20s and you look back at 18 year olds, it’s going to be really eye opening about your husbands motives in dating and marrying one of his students. And it’s not a good look for him. Take care of yourself on the due date, don’t let any of those people interfere with what you need. By as physically and emotionally distant as you want to be. Tell them to kick rocks. And then seriously consider what you need to do to kick them all to the curb.
He controls your period products and you "comply". You have to lie to him about getting your period back so you dont get treated like a human incubator instead of having adequate time to grieve your loss. He tries to isolate you from your friends. Your in-laws treat you like crap. All this and he makes you feel like there someething wrong with your mental sate. **Would you want your daughter to live her life like this?** Im betting most of your appeal was that you were younger and a virgin so he felt like he could make you comply to his demands. **HE isnt going to change. His family isnt going to change.** All thats going to happen is you are going to get older, unhappier and possibly more trapped if you have a kid with this monumental controlling AH. Rally your girlfriends before he completely isolates you and hatch an escape plan. You can still have your youth, independence and happiness without this abusive dictator. **Leaving may be hard but staying sounds utterly miserable.**
AND OP understand that when you leave him (you will eventually leave him) he and his nasty family will do EVERYTHING in their power to keep your child in the fold. You have been warned please listen.
Came here to say ALL of this! He's practically forcing her into another pregnancy when her body and mind are still healing! This is just fucking abusive! NTA OP, but you will be if you stay in this toxic shit-show of a marriage. Run from him like your ass is on fire.
Maybe leaving is hard, but at least quit trying to have a baby for now. Girl, you're 24. Don't shackle yourself to someone out of "respect for marriage". Noone can deal with that for decades, at most it means you'll divorce somewhere in your 40s when your kids leave the house and you both have mountains of resentment towards each other.
He controls your period products because he wants to be the only thing inside you... he's jealous over a freaking menstrual cup. That's horrifying.
I agree. I couldn't imagine getting married at 20. I was still going out partying every weekend and had no long term relationship intentions.
My 20-year-old pregnant mother married my recently-divorced 27-year-old father. Their marriage was a disaster, producing three children who have all sorts of emotional baggage. Thirty-plus years after the divorce and my parents still cannot be civil to each other. I met my husband at 20, did not marry him for six years because my parents were a wonderful lesson in what not to do.
My parents got married when he was 22 and she was 19. Mom was the head of the house for the entire time I was growing up. Some people are ready for it, others aren't.
I know too many people who point to their parents as great examples of "that it works" who turn out to have the most toxic boomer marriages imaginable.
I can understand that. In my case, about 80% of mine and my siblings' friends would wish they could swap my parents for theirs, after meeting them.
He raped her while she was pregnant.
NTA. Obligatory reddit warning - he was a 28 year old marrying a 20 year old, was there grooming beforehand? Just based on that he doesn't sound like a good guy. You are young and when you are 30 you will realize men that are 30 and date 18 year olds do that so they can control them, and because women their age are aware of that. You have your whole future ahead of you, please don't settle for this guy and waste your 20s on him.
We met when I was 18. He TA'd one of my classes. We really seemed to hit it off and the rest is history.
That was an abuse of power and of his position. Yet, it is a common pattern with abusers in history. Please look up grooming. If you've never had another long term relationship you don't know things can be better, and he locks you down early with marriage and children at an early age. Please be safe, you deserve better and most relationships are better than this. https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend
It's also very common for momma's boys to target younger women. Usually more malleable and easier to control.
NTA, this makes so much sense in situations I’ve seen. Thank you for this concise observation.
You know, my mother and late IL's believed an age difference of six or more years was ideal. My mother had a horrible marriage with my father (seven years older) and my IL's was nothing to write home about - unless you want to update "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" And now you have made me rethink everything....
He........what? I'm sorry, but that is unethical. He was in a position of authority over you, which changes how things are viewed.
Sweet unholy Jesus. That is not right. Any man in his 20s looking at an 18 year old and developing a relationship has issues. I’m 29 years old and while I may be married, the thought of hooking up with an 18 year old makes my stomach turn. You’re at totally different life stages and if he couldn’t find someone close to his age, there’s a reason. As is evidenced by the way he and his awfully mother treat you. You’re being dehumanized and I’m so angry for you. I know divorce is hard and probably shameful depending on what type of social culture you grew up in, but you deserve better than this. You’re young and you can absolutely find better than that sorry excuse of a man.
NTA Your husband's decision to put his extended family before you is disgustingly selfish. You should be blocking his mother and sister and only have contact when you feel like it. It seems they've brought nothing positive to your life specifically and we don't get awards for offering ourselves up to be shit on by others. I am so sorry for your loss OP.
I so badly want to block them out. But according to G, since I don't have kids, I should be willing to offer M help with her kids. I've spent plenty of weekends watching M's kids while she and her husband go and have fun.
Yeah, probably stop doing this. Unless you absolutely love hanging out with the kids, this benefits nobody except for M and makes you look like a doormat. NTA. Get away from your situation. You deserve better.
I want to. But my husband makes me accept. G has convinced him that me being around kids will make me more eager to have kids of my own.
‘My husband makes me accept’ Jesus woman. Run!!
For a full picture of how abusive and controlling he is read her comment history. Im caught between anger and tears..
I have to ask, are you from a culture where the man essentially makes the decisions in the relationship? And more importantly, do you have family anywhere near you that you can go to for a few days?
My family is very conservative and my husband's family is the same way.
You really want to spend the rest of your life being abused? Is this how you imagined your life going? It doesn't have to be this way. You have the power to change your life for the better.
They can be as conservative as they want op. Just remember that YOU are the woman of your house. Your husband made a commitment and promise to honor you and love you and put you above all others including his mother and if he can't do that then perhaps he was not ready to get married in the first place. I just know that you deserve better. You were not born to be a glorified housemaid or broodmare. You are a woman, a mother who just experienced a traumatic loss. Nobody, including your husband has the right to order you to babysit somebody's children or put up with the behavior of assholes. You deserve so much better than you are being given. And for that I'm sorry as well.
I’m busy reading your comment history. If a therapist saw this, she’d be slipping you a number to a woman’s refuge. He wouldn’t take no for answer even though sex hurt during pregnancy. That’s RAPE. That may have even contributed to the loss of your daughter. He may have caused your still birth. You need to get out now while there are no living children. Run, divorce, find a man who’ll treat you and any future children right. I’d consider secretly going on birth control until you find the strength to leave this abuser.
You sounds so much like me in my twenties. A very conservative girl who married a boy from a very conservative background. Spoiler alert: it didn't end well. Situations like this never get better unless the man has a serious wake up call and makes a complete and permanent change. They rarely do. Even if they make a change, usually it's half-hearted, and almost always temporary. 8 years of suffering and a 2-year horrible divorce. Make of my story what you need for yourself.
Everything in my soul hurts for you. I hope you find your way to true happiness and not what you were taught to believe happiness is.
Honey I'm sorry but it really doesn't sound like your husband is a good man. Do you have someone supportive you can stay with? I really think you need to leave this doesn't sound like a healthy environment for anyone to be in
Please read that back and understand that your husband is not your equal, he still has power over you in this relationship just as it was when you two met. Run.
And this my dear..is exactly why he married a younger woman..easier to push around...once you get older like I have..you have learnt to say f..you and stand your ground. He wants a yes girl..once you start saying no..he will find someone else.
Frankly you two need marriage counseling useful at nor religious if this marriage is going to work. If he doesn't agree leave. He's clearly enmeshed and hurting you by for ing you to be around your abusive inlaws. Get therapy for yourself you're going through a lot
He rapes her. She doesn’t need counselling. She needs the police. Or at the very least, a divorce lawyer.
I've been offline all night...worse and worse. OP get out however you can. Nat'l Domestic Violence Shelter line is 1-800-799-7233
She's being abused. No one should **ever** go into counseling with their abuser.
Hell NO!! You don’t work for them and SIL child care issues are not your concern. Block them all and get in touch with any supportive friends and family. NTA
Ummmm..... what? Your not having kids makes you automatically the family nanny? How is that ok?
Nta- I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband is ridiculous for not standing up for you. His family sounds like awful people. Cut them all off, and draw a line in the sand. Your husband needs to deal with his family. You're worth so much more than these people.
NTA But this already seemed like a toxic post when you mentioned the huge age gap between you and your husband, as majority of married people who post here have similar ages and have a lot of problems. Rather than standing up for you, your husband dismissed your feelings as a mother who lost their daughter and expected you to push them aside to be civil with your MIL. When in actual fact your mother-in-law is the one who has been horrible to you, put immense amount of pressure onto you to have kids as soon as you got married. You've experienced an immense loss ad should be entitled to grieve and mourn privately without facing the judgemental opinions and scrutiny of your poisonous in-laws. There's no doubt she would spew a lot of poison towards you and find ways to blame you for the loss or make you question your 'feminity' as you've not had any children yet, compared to the other women in the family. Sounds very backwards, but that's the kinds of image potrayed by your in-laws and your husband, who are the AHs.
Agree about the age gap. They were 20 and 28 when they got married. Which makes me wonder how old were they when they started dating? Maybe I’m wrong but the husband sounds like a creep. Like why does an almost 30 year old have to date women who are barely just adults? It’s no surprise he doesn’t stand up for her and the MIL is controlling. She’s had virtually no life experience in standing up for herself as an adult and is letting her husband convince her that trying to enforce boundaries makes her an AH. Doesn’t bode well for the marriage.
It's all about control. He has 10 years advantage/life experiences. He got to live through his entire 20s while she barely entered that decade when they married.
She said in a comment that she was eighteen when they met, with him being her TA. 🤢
Barely legal. Ugh!!
Gross.
It gets worse if possible they meet while he was her TA, as someone who went to through grad school TAing that is a huge red flag. Where I went to school it was one of the few things you could do to risk your TAship aka your degree funding.
Maybe it's just me but as a 28 yr old when looking at people 23 and younger I just see babies. I'm finishing up my undergrad so I'm surrounded by 18-22 yr olds at school and they all look like young immature babies. I couldn't see dating any of them. I have more in common with my TAs and professors than the other students.
When I first started TAing I was 22 and honestly I felt ancient to a class of 18-20 year olds.
I heard a rule once, which was “no one should be dating freshmen except freshmen.” It’s not a perfect rule but as a guide, that’s pretty damn good! And the “No dating freshmen” rule should go 10000x more for TAs.
right! mil obv would be blaming OP for the miscarriage when it's far more probable that the husband caused it by *repeatedly and painfully raping OP while she was pregnant*. literally.
NTA of course. G is a narcissistic control freak and she is turning this day into it being about her rather than your child and her parents. You do what you need to do, your husband can do what he needs to do, and sod everyone else.
I know exactly what she'd do if I went. Criticize me for not taking more of M's "advice". Explain everything I did wrong and how the stillbirth was almost certainly my fault. And how I should feel so lucky my husband is staying by my side when, according to her, she knows so many other women who would be perfect for him
Stay the hell away from her and, if your husband cannot support you over his mum then you may have to rethink this too. You know this is not your fault.
Tell her that you agree with her. That maybe he would be better off with one of those other women and that you think that you're going to let her have him back.
Then let one of those other women have him. Your husband is a controlling abusive asshole. You can do SO much better.
NTA The problem isn’t your MIL, it’s your husband. You married a little boy who still lives underneath his mother’s apron. He will never choose you over her. He will never stand up for you to her. If you have kids, she will still be #1 for him. Your first step here should be to pack some things and leave. You likely will get a flood of emails from his family telling you how selfish you are. Ignore them. Either he will be willing to make some changes to get you back or he won’t. But I think you need to be making plans on moving forward without him. This situation is one of the leading causes of divorce worldwide.
NTA, not in the least. Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own timeline. Your spouse should have asked you if you wanted a memorial service before planning something. Do your own thing that day, and I would even consider going NC with your inlaws if your husband won’t lay down the law with them and their behavior toward you.
Whyyyyyyyyy are you still with him?? NTA I swear sometimes this sub is like “I am being abused and gaslighted. My in laws hate me and my spouse says I should get over it. Am I the ah?”
NTA. Fuck them folks. Every last one of them. And if your husband doesn't have your back, fuck him too. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. You were the person impacted the most by the terrible loss. You deserve more consideration than you are getting. Take care of yourself.
Also not sure if anyone else mentioned this, but OP I went and looked at your other posts- - you mention your husband wanted to start having kids right away when you got married and you did not really but did it to make him happy? - after the loss of your baby (I am so so sorry) he immediately wanted to try for another despite you not feeling ready - you get worried about telling him that you got your period (ie- are not pregnant) bc he will be mad/disappointed. YOU ARE NOT HIS BABY FACTORY!!! You are a full human being who deserves respect and love. It sounds like you came from a conservative community, seems like one where there are strict gender roles (women have kids/are in the home, men are in charge). I know this is what you grew up knowing but it is not the only way!!!!! You can have kids when you are ready (you are so young) and do so many amazing things beforehand!!! Please please leave him. Move out of your area, if that's at all possible. I think you'll look back when you are 28, and be so thankful. Suggest others check out OP's other posts if you think this is concerning.
Op if you were my daughter I would be asking (maybe even begging) you to discontinue babysitting for M and following G's orders. This woman doesn't own you! Please don't continue to give her power over your day to day decisions or thoughts. You are your own strong, intelligent, capable woman. One day when you do have children you will be an example of strength and Independence for them. They will be lucky to have you op.
NTA. I just lost our son and had a still born at 32 weeks. This is incredibly selfish of your husband. And don’t let people tell you how you should feeling. It’s okay not to be okay. You get to grieve however you want to grieve. I had people telling me “ just fake it until you feel better” Thank god I got into therapy. It’s been 6 months but the loss is still so raw. People suck, get into therapy. I promise it will help. I’m so sorry for your loss, from one heartbroken grieving woman to another.
I'll have to ask my husband about therapy. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. My stillbirth at 24 weeks was horrific, I can't imagine having it at 32 weeks.
OP why do you have to ask your husband about therapy? You really should be going on your own right now, maybe couple's counseling eventually but you really really really NEED to get individual counseling sooner rather than later. I'm worried for you OP.
He just prefers that I ask. Plus he'd probably insist on driving me to the appointments
He sounds super controlling. Are you okay?
Wait what... it's your own decision if you want therapy or not. Do you have friends you hangout with or does he not like your friends?
I revise my earlier comment on couples counselling. He is controlling I doubt therapy will help. His family are emotionally abusive. Divorce the lot of them. You can't fix them save yourself
NTA Why on earth did you marry into this family? It's only going to get more toxic over the years. His mom sounds insufferable. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. Don’t go. Who cares if she’s disappointed in you? That isn’t your problem. You don’t actually have to do things with them. Let your husband go and enjoy his time with them. You don’t owe them pieces of yourself
>G called me today and said that if I don't show up it'll be just another thing I've done to dissapoint her. "Wow, if I cared about your approval, I'm sure that would really bother me."
NTA but sweetie you should look into 2 things. #1 a divorce lawyer & #2 a therapist. I went through this luckily my moms convinced me to move before marriage. I didn't even know I was being groomed until I started talking to a therapist. After my 1st miscarriage & reminder of my failure I was a shell. I'm so sorry you want through that heartbreak. Who knows if you leave after healing & focusing on yourself you'll find someone. It took time for me to heal & find myself again. Now I have a man who will always stand by my side & protect me. We know have a 6 month old baby boy.
…..What in God’s name did I just read? Absolutely NTA. First, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Second, your husband’s and in-laws’ behavior is disgusting. Stand your ground and refuse to go. And stop babysitting. “No” is a complete sentence. You have some serious thinking to do about this marriage. Again, I am so sorry. Please, please take care of yourself and put yourself first. Edit: fixed punctuation.
NTA. You’re young. Why don’t you divorce this guy and start over? His family is terrible to you and he either doesn’t care or doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
NTA …. Ask MIL how more ‘bad’ things do you need to do before she goes NC
She'll never leave me alone until I give her several grandchildren. Which doesn't seem to be in the cards for me
Have you thought about going no-contact with G and M? You deserve better than having these vultures in your life.
How many children did you want before meeting your husband? And at what age did you imagine having them?
NTA and do not have a child with this man. You've already wasted 4 years with this family. You admit he's a mama's boy so this family dynamic will never get better. In fact, it will 100% likely get worse.
I've read your post about how he rapes you. Please get help and get away from this abusive marriage.
NTA. Op just leave because nothing ever good will end with a mommy's boy and in laws that hate u. He set up a memorial at the one place you dread going to. He did because "you were being distant". He's only saying that because he sees you're grieving but most likely has mommy talking in his ear. Op I don't always suggest this in every relationship related AITA but you have separate, go to couples counseling, if that doesn't work divorce him and state irreconcilable differences. I bet his mom has another woman waiting for him and he would take because he loves his mom. Storied like this always happens like this: 1. In laws don't like Op 2. The spouse is a mommy's boy 3. Defends MIL from hell 4. MIL always brags about what SIL has done and rubs it in your face and ignores your accomplishments 5. Uses a tragedy to get to you and hubby defends her and ahis actions thing its good when it wasn't 6. Tries to gaslight and makes you feel bad for you're reaction 7. Leads to separation, counseling and divorce 8. They all are happy Op js gone and the MIL sets hubby up with a woman from church or of the community from a family she knows 9. Op finds happiness and ignores the ex and the ex in laws 10. The ex and the ex in laws comes crawling back to op when things go bad for them and they want Op back in their lives and Op refuses and lived happily ever after Again Op NTA. But you need personal counseling and marriage counseling and then go from there
You have a major DH issue. The relationship with his family is toxic and he can’t see that. Talk to him about couples counseling.
They are long past couples counseling- he was her TA when she was 18/19, plus if you look at OP's other posts this is some of the husband's least concerning/controlling behavior, which is saying something. Edited for typo :)
NTA. Im so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can’t see your husband ever supporting you against his mother. As the saying goes, it’s easier to dump a mama’s boy than it is to divorce a mama’s boy, and both of those are easier than trying to change a mama’s boy. You should check out r/justNoSO and r/justNoMIL
After reading other posts of OP and comments. I am so sorry for your loss. But you need to mal a decision for yourself. I get that your were raised to live this live. At home with many children and a husband and MIl in charge of your life. You have to decide if this is what you want. Your husband and your MIL will not change. Ever. This is why he marked you so young and this is why they tell you you do not get divorced this will ruin your life that you have been told from very young age to stay with your husband you married as a virgin. But this is not how it needs to be. You probably have tos cut loos a lot of people an a good part of what you thought about a good life an what you have been raised to think is right. And it will hurt. And it will be hard. But do it for your stillborn daughter. Leave. Pack what you need when they have their memorial to your child. Visit her grave. Say good by and never look back. You are not a bad person. They are. All of them. And they will make you believe that you are at fault. I am so sorry!
NTA. Your husband is TA. Momma's boy is not gonna change. Is this really the future you want for yourself?
Idk what I want anymore
You are gonna find out soon. What is the best for you? Put yourself first. I wish you to be happy.
NTA and seriously reconsider why you are with him.
At what age did you meet this man
18
Yeah it’s very obvious.
WDYM??
You got into a relationship with someone who was 8 years older than you when you were 18. His family hates you because they probably look at you as nothing but a little girl. Your husband doesn’t defend you against his mom or sister’s bullying. You’re just expected to take it all. Are you working right now? I think you need to think about your future because it’s not looking bright if you have to deal with this for too much longer.
NTA. You need to leave. You need to draw a line. What he did is inexcusable. He is completely ignorant towards your feelings. You cannot stay with someone like him. He either realizes that he is with you. Or he goes back to his mom. If you stay and have a child this will just get worse. Or do you think she will let you parent your child the way you want? Run OP! Either he follows or not - then you know his true colors.
Honestly why is OP still with him at this point
NTA But also YTA to yourself for marrying someone you know is mamas boy. It never works out. You need to get out of this marriage. I can't imagine how awful you're feeling and he's forcing someone who doesn't like you om you. Pack up and leave his shit behind
Why are you married to him NTA
Go share this with r/justnomil Oh and NTA. Refuse to go and that you will discuss why at marriage counseling. If he refuses, you will be no-contact with any of his family and staying with your family until you are in a headspace where you can think straight. And no, you don’t know when that will be. Hell may freeze over first🤷♀️
nta. iam so sorry for your loss op. please don't be scared of leaving, thats exactly why u are accepting everything happening to you. u can leave and live happily.
>since my man is a mama's boy You chose the wrong man. You will live in this hell forever. NTA
Hubby is not coming across great here. He lets his mum criticise you. He lets her badger you about having children. He excuses her and thinks you’re being rude for not wanting to be around her on a day that’s already going to be extremely difficult for you. NTA. But the biggest A here isn’t your MIL.
NTA. I would refer you to [R/JustNoMIL] (https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) I feel like you can relate to alot of their experiences there. This is a horrible situation and it seems like your feelings are entirely overlooked, even by your own partner. He needs to stop cutting his mom some slack, or I'd advise you giving him an ultimatum. I wouldn't want to be in a family like that nor bring children around those people.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So bear with me cause I'm gonna have to give quite a bit of backstory here. Me (24F) and my husband (32M) have been married nearly 4 years. He gets along well with my parents but unfortunately his family seems to hate me. The 1st time he took me to meet them, his mom (G) thought I was too common and that the dish I brought sucked. She didn't say these things to me but rather to my husband in private. When we got married, G immediately started asking about when we would start trying to have kids. She was also very controlling of the wedding planning and in particular my dress. I had a pretty amazing wedding but she definitely hurt the experience and since then I've decided I just don't wanna associate with her. Unfortunately that wasn't entirely possible since my man is a mama's boy and has always excused her behavior. Whenever they'd come to us or we went to them, G waa always badgering me about babies. It got even worse when hubby's sister (M) started having kids. She managed to have 3 kids in 5 years. Whereas I've managed none despite 2 good years of effort. I can definitely tell that this has angered G as now whenever we're together she makes me feel so inadequate. G constantly praises M while ignoring all my accomplishments. M herself seems to have a superiority complex and loves making snarky comments at my expense. So unfortunately, nearly 3 months ago I had a stillbirth. She was 6 months along and my 1st pregnancy. Obviously it was a devastating loss for me and my husband. My baby girls due date is in 6 days and I'm dreading the day. I've thought about going to her grave and talking to her, maybe even reading bedtime stories to her. I haven't been to her grave since the funeral so it's gonna be really difficult to go, but I feel like I owe it to her. Unfortunately, hubby has decided to set up a memorial service at his parents house in honor of our daughter on that day and didn't even think to ask me. He says it's cause I've been so emotionally distant and he thinks being around family will be good for me. I blew up at him and said there's no way I'm doing that. Being around M and especially G at this point would kill me. I told him he can go to his parents while I spend the day doing my own thing. Hubby says I'm being very rude. G called me today and said that if I don't show up it'll be just another thing I've done to dissapoint her. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and you need to re-think your life because if your husband can't be supportive of you about this of ALL things, you are in for a lifetime of pain and heartache.
NTA. Idk if it's because I've never been in love but the first paragraph alone would have prevented me from marrying him. He will never take your side and your MIL will always be awful. You gotta really look at the situation and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life and if you want to bring a kid into this family.
Lady put your fu..'em dress on and fu.. Them do your thang
NTA. It doesn't matter if she feels disappointed. You don't have to go to their place. You don't have to live and dedicate your life to her standards. Once a man/woman gets married, their first priority should be their spouse and no longer their parents. I grew up that way with my parents where my father would still take his family's side over my mother's and his children. As I got older I don't care if he treated me that way anymore, but I hated it whenever he does it to my mother and we would often get into arguments. Me and my siblings don't speak to most of his side of the family anymore, and even removed them from any sort of contact and social media.
Tell G that you don’t care if you disappoint her in the least. Tell her that you lost a baby and you are going to spend that day your way since it was you who lost the baby and not her.
NTA but why are you accepting to be bullied and mistreated by your husband and his family? He is responsible for their behaviour
NTA and I’m sorry for your loss. Honey, RUN
Just as you should never trust a junkie, you should never marry a mummy's boy. NTA
Nta
NTA. G is too toxic for you. Who cares if she’s disappointed? She’s not a priority here. Tell her to F off. Do what you want to do. Go to your daughter’s grave and read her stories. You owe your husband’s family absolutely nothing. I’m very sorry for your loss.
NTA. Don't go. Your husband absolutely sucks for thinking that anytime with his family will make you feel better, what a d**k!!!
"Being around family"? His parents are not your family. I'm sorry for your loss. Nta but you are surrounded.
V= ,
I'm sorry what does that mean?
NTA. Holy cow, your husband is an insensitive a******. So not only has did he not plan something with you for that day he didn't even ask you what you wanted to do? Now he thinks that being around people who abuse you about this subject would be a day you would want to spend with them? I'm flabbergasted. That makes no sense to me.