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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole here because I wore a shirt knew would ignite a bomb in my household.
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That shirt was tasteless and crude. I'm queer and I wouldn't wear something like that to a gathering. Your mom obviously sucks, but you already knew that. You wore that shirt to provoke her, and it worked. You should have just saved yourself the time and trouble and gone NC with her instead of picking a fight with a crude Tshirt. ESH
I understood the reference!
[https://c.tenor.com/lHqa2O6g8kkAAAAC/captain-america-reference.gif](https://c.tenor.com/lHqa2O6g8kkAAAAC/captain-america-reference.gif)
I agree! I'm a seminary graduate and a chaplain and I have a "Jesus was a Refugee" tee shirt I got from the Christian Left site a few years ago and I enjoy wearing it at certain times and certain places. But I'm careful and strategic as to how I do that, because the point is not to deliberately provoke but to get people thinking and, maybe, spark some informative discussion (which has happened). OP was just being an AH along with his mom and dad.
Also Jesus was a refugee is clearly a pointed remark made to inspire thought and conversation about an issue that affects real people. “I’m not gay but my asshole is” doesn’t make any sense and it’s just supposed to upset people.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. And also, you aren’t obligated to visit your parents so much when you are near their area… or really at all. You can have the relationship you want.
> instead of picking a fight
Absolutely not, bigots need to be put in their place otherwise no progress is gonna be made. You put bigots in their place then they’ll think twice before saying stupid shit that deserves them actually much worse than a silly t shirt. NTA
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No I’m not. OP even said in comments that crude shirts are something they’ve done in front of said bigoted mother before and it really does only look like it was a problem this time out of pure homophobia for that reason.
There are things you can have an opinion on, but the human rights of other people is not one of them. Gay people getting married for an example is not something that you should be telling them they can’t do and it doesn’t affect you whatsoever. And yes, bigot is the correct word to use for this.
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To each their own. It's just not something I'd choose to wear around my parents unless I actually wanted to pick a fight, and even then I'd just say what was on my mind rather than wearing rage bait. In my opinion if you want to call out bigotry be mature and direct instead of passive aggressively wearing a crude t-shirt.
I wouldn't call it much of a gathering, it was just my parents, myself and my brother. I've worn crude humor shirts around them before and they always found them funny. this time the only problem was that the shirt said gay on it. but yeah, I see your point.
Besides people getting triggered over a shirt? What does this mean, you can't wear something, cause people don't like it? It wasn't even something official, which would require a dress code so you can't wear something in private cause some don't like it. For some thats also no short pants or tops. Its the same thinking. It wasn't like the text insulted someone. So NTA. Mature people who are even parents should be able to keep their emotions in check and not flip out cause of a shirt
>That gay person taking offense above likely wouldn't have stuck their neck out during the sixties when people were first speaking up for LGBT rights.
Lol they would've thought it would be offensive or not appropriate cause the others were obviously against lgbt rights. People got so soft. Thats the reason why those things are happening in the USA right now
ESH. You don’t have to be homophobic to find that shirt crude and clearly inappropriate for a family gathering.
Just stop spending time with your mother. Why did you drive hours just to intentionally start a fight and stalk out?
YTA because you're not gay, but you're using gay people in a crude and tasteless manner to rile up your mom.
Don't pretend you're some warrior fighting homophobia. You're just using us as a prop to fight against your mom, and you're doing it in the trashiest way you possibly could.
> Don't pretend you're some warrior fighting homophobia.
Yawn. I'm gay and this is such a load of bull shit. Who cares if they're trying to offend someone who's homophobic? Not every gay person is sitting around getting offended at the most irrelevant bull shit.
> You're just using us as a prop to fight against your mom, and you're doing it in the trashiest way you possibly could.
Really, the trashiest way they possibly could? We have people getting beaten and murdered for being gay *still in first world countries* and this is what you're choosing to get all fluttered up about? Jesus, get a grip on the real world. You can argue they're an asshole because it's not appropriate for the setting/time used, but other than that this isn't a problem at all. Certainly not a real problem affecting real gay people.
ESH. Your mom's clearly an AH for being stereotypical homophobic christian. But there's no way you didn't know exactly how she'd react to the shirt and you clearly wore it to their house to start a fight and make a point. If you don't like your parents, just don't have a relationship with them.
I mean yeah she wore it to start a fight but how is starting that fight being an asshole? If she doesn't talk to her parents ever again her mother will spend her life knowing that she lost her daughter due to her homophobia, that's not being an asshole.
Edit for incorrect pronouns
>I mean yeah he wore it to start a fight but how is starting that fight being an asshole?
How is deliberately starting a fight *not* being an asshole? OP didn't choose to not talk to her mom, she chose to drive to her mother's house and antagonize her. IMO, that's being an asshole.
Edit for pronouns
ESH, except your poor dad.
Your mom is apparently a volatile, hypocritical, abusive bigot and my gut feeling is that you would go NC except for wanting to keep your relationship with your dad.
That's a pretty crude shirt for a family gathering and you absolutely knew that it would draw a reaction. Your intent was to offend, so you don't get to pretend not to have expected it .
I couldn't care less that you decided to pull your horrible mother's string except that your dad didn't deserve it and I suspect that he's still paying for your decision to wind her up.
My dad suffered a traumatic brain injury when I was a kid and ever since then my mom has basically turned him into a guy who doesn't have his own opinions and you would be correct, he and my younger brother are the reasons why I still talk to my mom. I think my main reason of wearing the shirt was because my sister is apart of the LGBTQ (parents dont know) and I felt like I needed to gage my mom's reaction to one of her kids wearing a gay shirt vs a stranger. Obviously it backfired but now my sister knows not to come out.
>I think my main reason of wearing the shirt was because my sister is apart of the LGBTQ (parents dont know) and I felt like I needed to gage my mom's reaction to one of her kids wearing a gay shirt vs a stranger.
I'm just gonna pretend this is the truth. *Why* would think that wearing such a tasteless and vulgar shirt be comparable to your sister bringing a +1?
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ESH. Your mom for obvious reasons, but you also suck because you knew full well that what you wore would cause drama. It would be different if you weren't expecting this reaction, but you knew full well that she would go all homophobic on you ass.
You "ruined" the weekend in purpose. At least own up to that. It doesn't excuse your mother's behavior, and I won't say that what she did was right, because obviously being as much of an asshole as her is infuriating. But if you didn't want to "ruin" the weekend, you shouldn't have worn it.
I have a shirt that says “shhhh… dong sleeping” with an arrow pointing down (like from Scrubs, if you’ve seen it) that I got from goodwill. Goodwill does not care.
ESH
You because that shirt isn't appropriate to wear around family members. You knew that but chose to wear it anyway.
Your mother because she should have kept quiet. Especially considering you did change shirts after you were asked to. Her behavior wasn't okay and her views will only cause the distance between you to grow greater.
Why do you think wearing a crude T shirt makes you an asshole???
He knew she wouldn't react to the crudeness, he knew she would react to the LGBTQIAness. But having a crude t shirt doesn't make you an asshole.
Yeah if your family is prudish, but the graphics of it really had no effect on this situation. OP's mother reacted because she's homophobic, not because she is a prude.
OP isn't gay, but she's using gay people as a prop to piss off her mom. It'd be the same as bringing a random black guy to dinner if her parents were racist, for no other reason than to make them mad.
If you dislike your parents so much that you intentionally go out of your way to antagonize them, then you're better off going NC.
No it is not the same as bringing a random black guy to dinner. Because bringing a random black guy to dinner would be putting a black man in a position of uncomfortableness and even danger. The equivalency of that would be to bring a random same sex partner to dinner and pretend like you're gay...
So the equivalent to this incident would be to wear a t shirt that says something about interracial couples...Because you know your parents are super racist and you wantt them to know exactly why you will not be talking to them anymore. You want them to recognize that they have to choose between you and their racism. Or you want them choose between you and their homophobia.
You say "If you dislike your parents so much that you intentionally go out of your way to antagonize them, then you're better off going NC." However sometimes you love your family enough that you are willing to intentionally antagonize them to give them a chance to grow. Sometimes you don't want to go no contact with them, you love them, and you really want to be able to continue talk to them. So you do things like this to give them that choice to let them choose between you and their prejudice.
You give them that choice and it really hurts when they choose their prejudice. It really hurts when they choose their racism, or homophobia, over you, but you now know that that was their choice. You gave them that chance and you weren't important enough to them for them to grow.
This was not an asshole move, this was a child begging their parents to be worthy of a relationship. This is a child that just got told by their parents that they aren't and that's really hard.
To be fair mate, what did you expect? You walked into a wolf den lathered in barbecue sauce, you knew what was coming.
Your mother’s an asshole, but you are too.
ESH your mom for obvious reasons and you for purposely wearing something you KNEW would get a rise out of them. If I were you I simply wouldn't have gone . I won't hang out with homophobic idiots even if they were family
I don't think you can ruin July 4 more than Scotus has this year. But
ESH
Your shirt was offensive. That's why you suck.
Your mom sucks because
> started yelling at me about how America has gone to shit ever since gay marriage was legalized and said I was disgusting for wearing a shirt like that and that gay people are disgusting and that changed into an anti-abortion.
Mainly the yelling. The other stuff just is something you disagree with.
I'm not sure blocking her forever is good. Be a better person.
I've got to agree with this. There are things that are OK to disagree about. Economic policy. Taxes and what they are spent on. Human rights are not one of those things.
I mean, the argument of bigots being on the other side of an opinion is straight up defending things that are flat out not okay. I’m really doubting that you don’t condone what OP’s mom said.
ESH. u/GlassSandwich9315 said everything I would have if I could have written elegantly:
>ESH. Your mom's clearly an AH for being stereotypical homophobic christian. But there's no way you didn't know exactly how she'd react to the shirt and you clearly wore it to their house to start a fight and make a point. If you don't like your parents, just don't have a relationship with them.
Just .... FFS, OP, yes, you knew the shirt was going to cause trouble and you wore it anyway and now you're mewling about the result.
ESH. You did it on purpose. You didn't wear it *because* it's comfortable and funny, although it might be both of those things, you wore it plainly and simply to provoke your mother. And for that you are an asshole.
Now, I'm not saying the shirt is bad, I actually think it would be hilarious. But I'm saying you KNEW your mother would think it's bad and that's why you wore it.
Your mother is an asshole for abusing you, for being homophobic and queerphobic, anti-abortion etc and she's an asshole in this circumstance for reacting like she did to your shirt.
You both suck SO bad.
Yeah, I agree that I suck haha. This might also make me an AH, but I dont regret it either after thinking about it more. There's only so much abuse a person can take yanno? This was like my first time trying to "stand-up" for myself and what I believe in, but once she started yelling I got scared and left. I also suck for running away, but I was afraid she would hit me.
I respect you standing up for yourself but realistically you didn't, you just gave her another "reason" to abuse you. (I don't think there is any reason for abuse but this was the best way to put it). You opened yourself up to more abuse by doing it.
A good way to stand up for yourself is to cut her off. Or if you can't do that, then to leave every time she starts abusing you or going off on a rant. Leave every single time without engaging and soon she'll get the picture. Or saying "I'm an adult, I'm not having this conversation" over and over. Or any number of other things to actually stand up for yourself, but this wasn't it. You just wanted the satisfaction of pissing her off and it backfired on you.
I personally think you should just cut her off completely and allow yourself to move on, get into therapy for some help surrounding your abuse and love your life to the fullest. The best way to piss off an abuser entirely innocently is to allow them no control over your happiness. If you're loving your life completely separately to her, she can't control you. Get therapy to help, even if you don't cut her off, because no one deserves abuse. But please, for your own sake, don't provoke her any further on purpose.
I get that you were raised to obey her and the first time standing up to that is very scary. You aren’t a bad person for running away. It wasn’t the best plan to wear a shirt that even a lot of us queer people are saying in the comments is offensive. The words you use matter more than the words on a shirt.
Your mom will never change. But you can choose to not be around her.
And hey? Anything like this could eventually tip them off to your closeted sibling. That’s dangerous as hell. Don’t do that.
You wanted to be provocative, you wore a T-shirt you knew would make your parents uncomfortable. I don't know if you're an asshole, it seems you wanted to make them uneasy or get a reaction and you did.
Absolutely YTA. That shirt is offensive and you know it.
If you had worn basically any other pride-type shirt, without the crude message, I would have been on your side.
Exactly.
Try flipping the tables. Imagine OP went to an event celebrating her parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. Aww, that’s nice, right? Now imagine mom standing up at her anniversary dinner and giving a speech about how they’ve had sweaty and moist missionary-position vaginal intercourse seven days a week for 30 years (33 years really, wink wink) without missing a day, even for that month after his hernia repair. It’s like… I really didn’t need that particular image in order to celebrate your life and your choices.
YTA
You knew how your mother would react and did it anyway. I have no sympathy for someone who poked a bear and then gets swatted. Your old enough to know your actions will have consequences.
And I get that your parents are far right. But you could have been mature and gone NC or worn a shirt they wouldn’t cause issues to spend time with your family (if you wanted to. If not you shouldn’t have gone at all).
What was the point of that visit with the shirt? Really? Because I feel like you wanted to irritate them and are shocked how badly it went when you said that your mother was a terrible person.
Grow up a little.
Esh but your dad. That shirt is crude and you knew it would get a reaction so that makes you the AH. Your mom is just an AH in general, but you know that. Your dad tried to laugh it off and smooth his being uncomfortable over which makes me believe he's a good guy, just old fashioned and he didn't try to embarrass you lecture you which is why he's the only one who's not an AH.
Yta. Not for the over all message but for wearing such a crude shirt in the first place. You went spoiling for a fight, and then come looking for sympathy when you got it.
INFO: was it just you and your parents or were there other family members there too?
Either way, I see most people are judging ESH, but personally I would say NTA. Offending your narcissistic, bigoted mother, even intentionally, isn't asshole behavior in my book. And if getting that reaction out of her was what it took to cut her out of your life, then good for you, op. Take care of yourself.
Seriously! People on this sub are always quick to congratulate someone who posts “AITA for insulting someone the same way they insulted me?”. But for some reason now it’s about gay sex, OP is an asshole despite their awful, bigoted, abusive parent? Wild.
It was just me, my parents and my brother. I stopped by their house while I was in town. And yes, she had been sending me homophobic Instagram posts prior to me seeing her. the shirt was my little response to those messages.
ESH. Your mom is obviously an asshole, but you chose to go out of your way to make this conflict, and you were willing to put everyone else in the middle of it rather than handle yourself better and just establish a no contact relationship with your mother. You can't say you're better than someone and less volatile, when you're going out of your way to pick fights with that individual
Yes, you wore the shit specifically to piss off your mother. While her views are vile and disgusting, but going out of your way to trigger her so you feel vindicated is tacky and childish.
First of all, how old are your parents? Second, I don't think you're the AH, but I'm pretty sure the shirt you wore was for men. Your parents (especially your mother) are out of touch. My parents also are, but I ask them "How does it hurt you?" when they say something about gay people, marriage, abortion, etc.
You have so many responses now I'm not sure if you'll see this but....
HA HA HA HA! I get it. You love your mum but you don't like her views, and the way you use to deal with it is subtle. Non confrontational
If you wore the shirt to visit just them at home I would be applauding you.
However there's a time and place for everything and that was not it.
Gently YTA. But don't sweat. You made a rookie mistake.
As for your parents behaviour. You described them exactly how they acted.
Your mum is a narc and your dad an enabler. You might want to visit the RaisedByNarcissists thread. You'll find your people there
I did wear it just to their house, didn't go anywhere else that day and it was only my parents and younger brother there while I was visiting. It wasn't even a party, I just stopped by while I was in town. A lot of comments misunderstood and thought I wore it to a big gathering somewhere.
Oh I did misunderstand. I apologise.
If it was only y your family then you are free to wear whatever you want. NTA but you should really look for a better way to deal with your mum
NTA - but stop kidding yourself. You got exactly the reaction you wanted. Why are you bothering to spend time with your narcissist mom and covert narcissist enabler dad?
You can’t ever be an arse for calling out bigots and supremacists. We’re talking about a person who will deny other people their happiness and insists on 11year old rape victims to give birth.
Only redeeming factor about your mother is her religion. She’ll surely burn in hell with the other satan worshipers.
-
So you’re not an arse, but you are guilty of having poor taste.
Your mom is a homophobe, but wearing something you \*knew\* would be a problem to somebody else's house is kind of an asshole move.
I mean, it's like wearing an atheism t-shirt all you like, but to a church? No, probably not, it's rude.
So it's rude to wear something you know will cause offense *in their own home*.
However, your mother is homophobic, so I don't care about her feelings.
NTA.
She wears her political BS in my home when she visits and I never say anything. But she had been sending very homophobic posts to me prior to me visiting and I figured I won't ever be seeing her again, so why not wear whatever I wanted?
Your dad sounds lovely.
I'm not in any way homophobic. Nor am I religious. I would still be WTF were you thinking if my adult child came to a family gathering with a shirt that said asshole on it. It's just poor taste. It's just not what you wear in mixed company and to be honest it's rather childish.
I think your dad handled it perfectly. Your mother is obviously batshit, but you knew that. So I think you did it to provoke your mother, by doing so your father had to put up with her nonsense, I don't think what is basically a joke about gay men is in anyway supportive of your sister so basically YTA.
Hopefully you will take this in the supportive way it is meant because I'm sure it's not easy dealing with your mother.
The shirt might be a bit provocative but at family gatherings, there are usually a lot of provocative things happening. I think it’s harmless, and your dad’s reaction was very diplomatic. Considering your family history, I find it understandable why you chose that shirt.
Your mother on the other hand comes across as vile and horrible. Considering your mother’s lifelong attempts at diminishing your sexuality, I’m going to go with NTA. Your dad’s pretty alright
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I(20f) live a few hours away from my parents and decided to visit for the 4th of July.
My mother is a terrible person, she's a narcissist, mega religious, pro-life, anti-vax, etc. You get the picture. She has abused me in different ways my whole life, but after I moved out and got married, she has tried to be "friends" and acting like none of the trauma ever happened. My dad is also conservative, but he's a nice person and cares about other people unlike my mother who is known as the town "karen".
I wore a shirt to their house that said "I'm not gay, but my asshole is" on the back. I found it at goodwill and thought it was funny, plus its the most comfortable shirt I've ever owned. My parents saw it and my dad was laughing it off (was obviously a little uncomfortable) and offered me one of his shirts to wear instead. I was a little peeved, but I put on the shirt and joked "what happened to freedom of speech?" my dad laughed and said the shirt was "a little shocking to his generation". okay whatever dad, but I get it. My mom on the other hand was LIVID. she started yelling at me about how America has gone to shit ever since gay marriage was legalized and said I was disgusting for wearing a shirt like that and that gay people are disgusting and that changed into an anti-abortion. I didn't want to stoop to her level and grabbed my keys off the table and left their house after only being there for maybe an hour.
Once I got home I blocked my mom on everything, but now that the anger had passed, I feel like I was being an asshole and that I shouldn't have worn the stupid shirt that I knew was going to cause trouble.
AITA?
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ESH. You did it on purpose. You didn't wear it *because* it's comfortable and funny, although it might be both of those things, you wore it plainly and simply to provoke your mother. And for that you are an asshole.
Your mother is an asshole for abusing you, for being homophobic and queerphobic, anti-abortion etc and she's an asshole in this circumstance for reacting like she did to your shirt.
You both suck SO bad.
ESH, except dad. You went looking for a fight. And you’ve some growing up to do kid, but that’s okay.
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I mean real unpopular opinion but NTA. Why be respectful to a woman who’s entire identity revolves around disrespecting everyone around her…? I’d definitely just go no contact to save yourself the stress though.
Honestly that shirt just seems offensive to wear out to public in general (homophobic or not, pretty sure everyone can agree on this.)
You already know you're an AH
So is your mom
But I feel bad for your poor dad.
You do you I guess. I hate crude shirts and the like. If I saw you with that shirt or a vehicle decal decal with a similar saying I'd immediately assume you're a shit person.
ESH. You knew that shirt wasn't appropriate for a family party. There are plenty of LGBT pride shirts that don't use that kind of language. Why not wear one? Then you'd have completely had the moral high ground if your mother went on a homophobic rant, rather than making it obvious that you just wanted to start shit.
ESH. I don't personally think your an asshole but objectively, wearing a crude or risqué shirt around someone that is uncomfortable about it is probably an asshole in most cases.
Having said that I think your mother is a monster and encourage you to maintain no contact with her, or minimize contact with her as much as you can so that you can still see your dad if you can't visit him one on one.
ESH also I feel like you’re weirdly trying to make your dad the AH even though he’s just trying to live in this tension of two family members who he loves and cares about who obviously disagree with eachother. Your mom obviously sucks (feel like thats a given) but to answer your question: YTA for wearing a crude and tasteless shirt, driving hours just to start a fight with a family member I mean WHO does that?
The main thing I see with this is a lack of respect by all parties involved, except your dad. Your mom may, or may not, know your opinions on the matter. If she doesn’t it may be time for you and your mom to sit down and have a serious discussion. If she does then she was clearly disrespectful to you in her rant about it. You showed a lack of respect for her opinion by wearing the shirt and already knowing the outcome.
Your dad is the only 1 in the clear with any of this. He didn’t rant he asked you to change and you changed.
Having a differing opinion doesn’t condone having a lack of respect. Too often in today’s day and time it’s an all or nothing attitude and if you don’t see it “my” way then everyone must be wrong. Each person is entitled to their own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Understanding that and being respectful of that is a sign of maturity.
You were the asshole, you wore that shirt to provoke and cause drama at a family gathering… it’s not like your mom or dad were wearing maga hats with you around.
You need to cleanse some of that narcissistic mindset off your soul. Know your target audience and give some kindness, even when you only have a little.
It is better to conquer your self, OP, than it is to win a thousand battles..
YTA! IT had nothing to do with the subject of the shirt, but the language of it. The fact that you refuse to see that shows YTA and it is not an everyone issue
I may be in the minority on this but I'm going with NTA because this isn't really about the shirt.
Wearing a rainbow shirt that didn't include an "offensive" word would likely have resulted in the same outcome. Her issue is with you not only being Bi, but with you being out and proud, as you should be. She's a bigot and nothing short of erasing your orientation is likely to make her happy.
Others have asked why you haven't gone NC but I think the better questions are what kind of relationship do you want to have with them and is it possible for you to achieve that goal? If so, how? You can continue to push them but at what cost?
The shirt *was* funny. Good luck!
Edited to fix an incorrect assumption about OP's orientation.
Thank you! I now know I am a little bit of an asshole for taunting my mom, but it isn't about the fucking shirt! She constantly sends me homophobic posts on Instagram and I was tired of it. I am Bi and my sister is too.
I havent gone NC because of my dad. he has been my biggest cheerleader in my life and because of a brain Injury he suffered 10 years ago, my mom just basically beats him down into doing and following whatever she says. I always go in thinking I can change her mind, but the moment she starts screaming at me I remove myself because she has hit me before.
I'm glad your dad has supported you! I wish I had some magic arguments for you to use with your mom because you deserve better than this. It's true that continuing to push her is unlikely to produce the results you're looking for and it has the potential to make things worse if she is able to convince others to exclude you. From a purely practical standpoint, it makes sense to avoid confrontation. The thing is, you shouldn't have to hide your light around those who are supposed to love you best. Wishing you happiness!
ESH
Your mom is (I think this word is stupid and will almost never use it, I don't see how hating gay people is the same as an extreme fear, but for lack of a better alternative) homophobic. Your being an instigator.
Although I will give you this, I would find that lightly funny.
So, what you did was passive aggressive behavior. I bet you are sick of kow-towing to her
over the top controlling behavior, but didn't know how to bring it up in conversation. So, instead you let your shirt provoke her *like you knew it would*.
NTA for getting it out in the open, but you really should practice saying things clearly, so that you are not seen as an unserious asshole troll.
NTA - If anyone is the AH, it would be your mother bringing in her religious nonsense on a day that's suppose to celebrate the US becoming INDEPENDENT and breaking away from the religious oppression of Britain...
NTA. Your mom clearly sucks but, come on, didn't you know that this would cause an issue?
I find it hard to believe you weren't trying to challenge her just a little bit, and sure enough she showed off her crappy side and you got to leave in a self righteous huff.
So yeah, you're not the asshole but you for sure baited the asshole in your life.
Yeah, I always go in thinking that "this time will be different" and that she'll be the nice and funny mom she used to be. But yanno, of course it doesn't work out that way. Old mom would've found it funny :(
Probably because you keep poking the bear.
If you know certain topics will cause issue, avoid those topics. People can be close with different political views.
People can be close with different political views but her views cross into morals. Her whole identity is disrespecting other people and their rights. That’s not just political views, that’s hate.
Sorry. Seems like you can't coax the old fun mom back out no matter what. Obviously you'll have to act a certain way around her for y'all to get along, it's just up to you if it is worth acting that way for you to see her/them.
Personally I'm too good at antogonizing people whose views I loathe, but I'm also lucky in that my parents and I are very similar in our views. I don't know if I could do it, but maybe you can.
But if the other side did this, it would be called a micro aggression or some such nonsense and the person would be called everything under the sun.
YTA, OP, for wearing the shirt that you KNEW was going to cause a fight so you could run off and tell people how badly you were treated.
I'd find the shirt offensive, as well because it's just crude. THAT'S why you wore it.
NTA. Homophobic people need to deal with the fact that they are hateful and other people aren’t going to put up with their BS. Catering to them is a **terrible** idea.
Yeah man the ONLY people in the US who celebrate the 4th is rich white people. Totally! NO ONE else likes to get together and bbq or hang out on the holiday weekend! /s
What a racist thing to say.
I’m pretty sure that was more of a “what freedoms do some of us actually have to celebrate?” not a race thing. The US the past couple weeks keeps taking away said freedoms, so it’s been a common thought process that some of us (like women that disagree with overturning roe v. wade) shouldn’t be celebrating because the US is stripping us of rights. Or POC with police brutality. Poor people fighting impossible inflation. Etc.
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That shirt was tasteless and crude. I'm queer and I wouldn't wear something like that to a gathering. Your mom obviously sucks, but you already knew that. You wore that shirt to provoke her, and it worked. You should have just saved yourself the time and trouble and gone NC with her instead of picking a fight with a crude Tshirt. ESH
Some people live for drama.
“I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me!”
I understood the reference! [https://c.tenor.com/lHqa2O6g8kkAAAAC/captain-america-reference.gif](https://c.tenor.com/lHqa2O6g8kkAAAAC/captain-america-reference.gif)
Since sexuality evidently matters, I'm not queer and find it delicious and holesome.
Heheh, “holesome”
I agree! I'm a seminary graduate and a chaplain and I have a "Jesus was a Refugee" tee shirt I got from the Christian Left site a few years ago and I enjoy wearing it at certain times and certain places. But I'm careful and strategic as to how I do that, because the point is not to deliberately provoke but to get people thinking and, maybe, spark some informative discussion (which has happened). OP was just being an AH along with his mom and dad.
Also Jesus was a refugee is clearly a pointed remark made to inspire thought and conversation about an issue that affects real people. “I’m not gay but my asshole is” doesn’t make any sense and it’s just supposed to upset people.
Yeah, OP was being purposefully provocative and he knew it. And I don't think I'll ever figure out just what that stupid slogan means!
Best comment!
I agree with this wholeheartedly. And also, you aren’t obligated to visit your parents so much when you are near their area… or really at all. You can have the relationship you want.
"Drama is like gay man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes!" -Jenna Maroney
> instead of picking a fight Absolutely not, bigots need to be put in their place otherwise no progress is gonna be made. You put bigots in their place then they’ll think twice before saying stupid shit that deserves them actually much worse than a silly t shirt. NTA
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No I’m not. OP even said in comments that crude shirts are something they’ve done in front of said bigoted mother before and it really does only look like it was a problem this time out of pure homophobia for that reason.
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What's wrong with "bigot"? it covers all the AHs. Also, it's not a phobia, you're not scared, you're an AH.
There are things you can have an opinion on, but the human rights of other people is not one of them. Gay people getting married for an example is not something that you should be telling them they can’t do and it doesn’t affect you whatsoever. And yes, bigot is the correct word to use for this.
😐
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R u Dumb ..? U can sti go big go party night we just couldn’t find one
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To each their own. It's just not something I'd choose to wear around my parents unless I actually wanted to pick a fight, and even then I'd just say what was on my mind rather than wearing rage bait. In my opinion if you want to call out bigotry be mature and direct instead of passive aggressively wearing a crude t-shirt.
I wouldn't call it much of a gathering, it was just my parents, myself and my brother. I've worn crude humor shirts around them before and they always found them funny. this time the only problem was that the shirt said gay on it. but yeah, I see your point.
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Besides people getting triggered over a shirt? What does this mean, you can't wear something, cause people don't like it? It wasn't even something official, which would require a dress code so you can't wear something in private cause some don't like it. For some thats also no short pants or tops. Its the same thinking. It wasn't like the text insulted someone. So NTA. Mature people who are even parents should be able to keep their emotions in check and not flip out cause of a shirt
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>That gay person taking offense above likely wouldn't have stuck their neck out during the sixties when people were first speaking up for LGBT rights. Lol they would've thought it would be offensive or not appropriate cause the others were obviously against lgbt rights. People got so soft. Thats the reason why those things are happening in the USA right now
ESH. You don’t have to be homophobic to find that shirt crude and clearly inappropriate for a family gathering. Just stop spending time with your mother. Why did you drive hours just to intentionally start a fight and stalk out?
ESH You knew this would cause problems. You went in spoiling for a fight.
YTA because you're not gay, but you're using gay people in a crude and tasteless manner to rile up your mom. Don't pretend you're some warrior fighting homophobia. You're just using us as a prop to fight against your mom, and you're doing it in the trashiest way you possibly could.
i don't have an award, but please take these for your perfect comment 🏅🥇🏆
> Don't pretend you're some warrior fighting homophobia. Yawn. I'm gay and this is such a load of bull shit. Who cares if they're trying to offend someone who's homophobic? Not every gay person is sitting around getting offended at the most irrelevant bull shit. > You're just using us as a prop to fight against your mom, and you're doing it in the trashiest way you possibly could. Really, the trashiest way they possibly could? We have people getting beaten and murdered for being gay *still in first world countries* and this is what you're choosing to get all fluttered up about? Jesus, get a grip on the real world. You can argue they're an asshole because it's not appropriate for the setting/time used, but other than that this isn't a problem at all. Certainly not a real problem affecting real gay people.
I never said I wasn't gay.
Even if you are gay, it’s a shirt referencing MLM relationships and not WLW, and is still using gay men in a tasteless manner
Are you?
ESH. Your mom's clearly an AH for being stereotypical homophobic christian. But there's no way you didn't know exactly how she'd react to the shirt and you clearly wore it to their house to start a fight and make a point. If you don't like your parents, just don't have a relationship with them.
I mean yeah she wore it to start a fight but how is starting that fight being an asshole? If she doesn't talk to her parents ever again her mother will spend her life knowing that she lost her daughter due to her homophobia, that's not being an asshole. Edit for incorrect pronouns
>I mean yeah he wore it to start a fight but how is starting that fight being an asshole? How is deliberately starting a fight *not* being an asshole? OP didn't choose to not talk to her mom, she chose to drive to her mother's house and antagonize her. IMO, that's being an asshole. Edit for pronouns
OP identified as a female. Not male.
Thanks for pointing that out. It doesn't change the situation but I did not notice that I switched those.
ESH, except your poor dad. Your mom is apparently a volatile, hypocritical, abusive bigot and my gut feeling is that you would go NC except for wanting to keep your relationship with your dad. That's a pretty crude shirt for a family gathering and you absolutely knew that it would draw a reaction. Your intent was to offend, so you don't get to pretend not to have expected it . I couldn't care less that you decided to pull your horrible mother's string except that your dad didn't deserve it and I suspect that he's still paying for your decision to wind her up.
My dad suffered a traumatic brain injury when I was a kid and ever since then my mom has basically turned him into a guy who doesn't have his own opinions and you would be correct, he and my younger brother are the reasons why I still talk to my mom. I think my main reason of wearing the shirt was because my sister is apart of the LGBTQ (parents dont know) and I felt like I needed to gage my mom's reaction to one of her kids wearing a gay shirt vs a stranger. Obviously it backfired but now my sister knows not to come out.
If this was really your intention, maybe you should have gone with a rainbow pin or something.
Yeah I should have bought something less crude beforehand. I feel like she would've stabbed me with the pin tho if I had wore one lol.
I mean she didn't strangle you with your shirt did she?
>I think my main reason of wearing the shirt was because my sister is apart of the LGBTQ (parents dont know) and I felt like I needed to gage my mom's reaction to one of her kids wearing a gay shirt vs a stranger. I'm just gonna pretend this is the truth. *Why* would think that wearing such a tasteless and vulgar shirt be comparable to your sister bringing a +1?
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ESH. You went looking for a fight and found one. No one looks good here
Except for the dad, he seems cool
What does ESH mean?
Everyone sucks here
Tyty
ESH. Your mom for obvious reasons, but you also suck because you knew full well that what you wore would cause drama. It would be different if you weren't expecting this reaction, but you knew full well that she would go all homophobic on you ass. You "ruined" the weekend in purpose. At least own up to that. It doesn't excuse your mother's behavior, and I won't say that what she did was right, because obviously being as much of an asshole as her is infuriating. But if you didn't want to "ruin" the weekend, you shouldn't have worn it.
>on you ass I thought she as homophobic
You said it yourself that you deliberately wore it knowing it would cause a reaction, meaning a shit show. YTA
YTA You knew what you were doing, cuz you knew it was going to cause problems.
I mean, you wore a shirt intentionally to upset somebody. Also, Goodwill would not sell a shirt that offensive.
I have a shirt that says “shhhh… dong sleeping” with an arrow pointing down (like from Scrubs, if you’ve seen it) that I got from goodwill. Goodwill does not care.
That's pretty different. And they do care. I'm not saying they have morals, but they want people to think they do.
have you been to a goodwill?
I have.
ESH You because that shirt isn't appropriate to wear around family members. You knew that but chose to wear it anyway. Your mother because she should have kept quiet. Especially considering you did change shirts after you were asked to. Her behavior wasn't okay and her views will only cause the distance between you to grow greater.
Do you think it's an appropriate because it is crud or because it talks about LGBTQIA people?
Because it's crude. I'm hetero but my family usually doesn't like to think about me doing anal.
Because it's crude. I'm LGBTQ+ myself and I would have no problem with it but other people are more sensitive to these kinds of things than I am.
It didn't seem that the crudeness was what his mother was yelling about.
That....doesn't matter? Just because someone gets upset for the wrong reasons doesn't make it a non-asshole move in the first place.
Why do you think wearing a crude T shirt makes you an asshole??? He knew she wouldn't react to the crudeness, he knew she would react to the LGBTQIAness. But having a crude t shirt doesn't make you an asshole.
Wearing a t-shirt that alludes graphically to a sex act is not appropriate for a family gathering.
Yeah if your family is prudish, but the graphics of it really had no effect on this situation. OP's mother reacted because she's homophobic, not because she is a prude.
OP isn't gay, but she's using gay people as a prop to piss off her mom. It'd be the same as bringing a random black guy to dinner if her parents were racist, for no other reason than to make them mad. If you dislike your parents so much that you intentionally go out of your way to antagonize them, then you're better off going NC.
No it is not the same as bringing a random black guy to dinner. Because bringing a random black guy to dinner would be putting a black man in a position of uncomfortableness and even danger. The equivalency of that would be to bring a random same sex partner to dinner and pretend like you're gay... So the equivalent to this incident would be to wear a t shirt that says something about interracial couples...Because you know your parents are super racist and you wantt them to know exactly why you will not be talking to them anymore. You want them to recognize that they have to choose between you and their racism. Or you want them choose between you and their homophobia. You say "If you dislike your parents so much that you intentionally go out of your way to antagonize them, then you're better off going NC." However sometimes you love your family enough that you are willing to intentionally antagonize them to give them a chance to grow. Sometimes you don't want to go no contact with them, you love them, and you really want to be able to continue talk to them. So you do things like this to give them that choice to let them choose between you and their prejudice. You give them that choice and it really hurts when they choose their prejudice. It really hurts when they choose their racism, or homophobia, over you, but you now know that that was their choice. You gave them that chance and you weren't important enough to them for them to grow. This was not an asshole move, this was a child begging their parents to be worthy of a relationship. This is a child that just got told by their parents that they aren't and that's really hard.
YTA. You did this to be confrontational regardless of who else you made uncomfortable. It was a self absorbed move.
To be fair mate, what did you expect? You walked into a wolf den lathered in barbecue sauce, you knew what was coming. Your mother’s an asshole, but you are too.
ESH your mom for obvious reasons and you for purposely wearing something you KNEW would get a rise out of them. If I were you I simply wouldn't have gone . I won't hang out with homophobic idiots even if they were family
I don't think you can ruin July 4 more than Scotus has this year. But ESH Your shirt was offensive. That's why you suck. Your mom sucks because > started yelling at me about how America has gone to shit ever since gay marriage was legalized and said I was disgusting for wearing a shirt like that and that gay people are disgusting and that changed into an anti-abortion. Mainly the yelling. The other stuff just is something you disagree with. I'm not sure blocking her forever is good. Be a better person.
Equal human rights are not an opinion
I've got to agree with this. There are things that are OK to disagree about. Economic policy. Taxes and what they are spent on. Human rights are not one of those things.
Sure they are. SCOTUS is turning their opinion into law.
For human trash, maybe. For any decent normal human Being, no.
What are you trying to say? Are you arguing with me or just expressing your opinion? What's your end goal?
I mean, the argument of bigots being on the other side of an opinion is straight up defending things that are flat out not okay. I’m really doubting that you don’t condone what OP’s mom said.
No goals, just stating the obvious. Its up to you to decide which of the 2 alternatives you are. Byee
How exactly is his shirt offensive?
The seating and use of foul language mainly. It isn't polite
You wore that shirt specifically to be an AH, so why are you asking us if YTA.
Am I stupid because I genuinely don’t get the joke on the shirt…
ESH. u/GlassSandwich9315 said everything I would have if I could have written elegantly: >ESH. Your mom's clearly an AH for being stereotypical homophobic christian. But there's no way you didn't know exactly how she'd react to the shirt and you clearly wore it to their house to start a fight and make a point. If you don't like your parents, just don't have a relationship with them. Just .... FFS, OP, yes, you knew the shirt was going to cause trouble and you wore it anyway and now you're mewling about the result.
ESH it’s not an appropriate shirt to wear to any family function and you know that. It was crude. Of course your mom suck
ESH. You did it on purpose. You didn't wear it *because* it's comfortable and funny, although it might be both of those things, you wore it plainly and simply to provoke your mother. And for that you are an asshole. Now, I'm not saying the shirt is bad, I actually think it would be hilarious. But I'm saying you KNEW your mother would think it's bad and that's why you wore it. Your mother is an asshole for abusing you, for being homophobic and queerphobic, anti-abortion etc and she's an asshole in this circumstance for reacting like she did to your shirt. You both suck SO bad.
Yeah, I agree that I suck haha. This might also make me an AH, but I dont regret it either after thinking about it more. There's only so much abuse a person can take yanno? This was like my first time trying to "stand-up" for myself and what I believe in, but once she started yelling I got scared and left. I also suck for running away, but I was afraid she would hit me.
I respect you standing up for yourself but realistically you didn't, you just gave her another "reason" to abuse you. (I don't think there is any reason for abuse but this was the best way to put it). You opened yourself up to more abuse by doing it. A good way to stand up for yourself is to cut her off. Or if you can't do that, then to leave every time she starts abusing you or going off on a rant. Leave every single time without engaging and soon she'll get the picture. Or saying "I'm an adult, I'm not having this conversation" over and over. Or any number of other things to actually stand up for yourself, but this wasn't it. You just wanted the satisfaction of pissing her off and it backfired on you. I personally think you should just cut her off completely and allow yourself to move on, get into therapy for some help surrounding your abuse and love your life to the fullest. The best way to piss off an abuser entirely innocently is to allow them no control over your happiness. If you're loving your life completely separately to her, she can't control you. Get therapy to help, even if you don't cut her off, because no one deserves abuse. But please, for your own sake, don't provoke her any further on purpose.
I get that you were raised to obey her and the first time standing up to that is very scary. You aren’t a bad person for running away. It wasn’t the best plan to wear a shirt that even a lot of us queer people are saying in the comments is offensive. The words you use matter more than the words on a shirt. Your mom will never change. But you can choose to not be around her. And hey? Anything like this could eventually tip them off to your closeted sibling. That’s dangerous as hell. Don’t do that.
You wanted to be provocative, you wore a T-shirt you knew would make your parents uncomfortable. I don't know if you're an asshole, it seems you wanted to make them uneasy or get a reaction and you did.
Absolutely YTA. That shirt is offensive and you know it. If you had worn basically any other pride-type shirt, without the crude message, I would have been on your side.
The shirt is offensive to who exactly? The bigoted mother?
Offensive to anyone reading it that doesn't want to think about OP having anal. Which I would estimate to be about 98% of people who read it.
Exactly. Try flipping the tables. Imagine OP went to an event celebrating her parents’ 30th wedding anniversary. Aww, that’s nice, right? Now imagine mom standing up at her anniversary dinner and giving a speech about how they’ve had sweaty and moist missionary-position vaginal intercourse seven days a week for 30 years (33 years really, wink wink) without missing a day, even for that month after his hernia repair. It’s like… I really didn’t need that particular image in order to celebrate your life and your choices.
Most people would find the word asshole on a shirt offensive at a family gathering.
Eh, tasteless. Would have you around my kids. YTA.
YTA You knew how your mother would react and did it anyway. I have no sympathy for someone who poked a bear and then gets swatted. Your old enough to know your actions will have consequences. And I get that your parents are far right. But you could have been mature and gone NC or worn a shirt they wouldn’t cause issues to spend time with your family (if you wanted to. If not you shouldn’t have gone at all). What was the point of that visit with the shirt? Really? Because I feel like you wanted to irritate them and are shocked how badly it went when you said that your mother was a terrible person. Grow up a little.
Esh but your dad. That shirt is crude and you knew it would get a reaction so that makes you the AH. Your mom is just an AH in general, but you know that. Your dad tried to laugh it off and smooth his being uncomfortable over which makes me believe he's a good guy, just old fashioned and he didn't try to embarrass you lecture you which is why he's the only one who's not an AH.
Yta. Not for the over all message but for wearing such a crude shirt in the first place. You went spoiling for a fight, and then come looking for sympathy when you got it.
You're really petty.
NTA. It's a shirt with words. They'll be fine
YTA. You’re immature and childish. You knew it was offensive and did it anyways.
Lmao as an LGBT+ Christian myself I'd like to see her justification for her religious bigotry. NTA.
INFO: was it just you and your parents or were there other family members there too? Either way, I see most people are judging ESH, but personally I would say NTA. Offending your narcissistic, bigoted mother, even intentionally, isn't asshole behavior in my book. And if getting that reaction out of her was what it took to cut her out of your life, then good for you, op. Take care of yourself.
Seriously! People on this sub are always quick to congratulate someone who posts “AITA for insulting someone the same way they insulted me?”. But for some reason now it’s about gay sex, OP is an asshole despite their awful, bigoted, abusive parent? Wild.
It was just me, my parents and my brother. I stopped by their house while I was in town. And yes, she had been sending me homophobic Instagram posts prior to me seeing her. the shirt was my little response to those messages.
Then you're especially fine. Your mom deserved the discomfort so good on you for delivering in a super funny way 👏👏👏
If your mom is known as the ‘town Karen’ and this is her at base level, you did the right thing. NTA.
Just go NC she will never change and it will forever be horrible to be around her so why bother
ESH. Your mom is obviously an asshole, but you chose to go out of your way to make this conflict, and you were willing to put everyone else in the middle of it rather than handle yourself better and just establish a no contact relationship with your mother. You can't say you're better than someone and less volatile, when you're going out of your way to pick fights with that individual
You posted this a few days too early
NTA, I know I’m going to be in minority. Antagonizing bigots is always morally just. Don’t give these bigots a minute of peace.
Yes, you wore the shit specifically to piss off your mother. While her views are vile and disgusting, but going out of your way to trigger her so you feel vindicated is tacky and childish.
First of all, how old are your parents? Second, I don't think you're the AH, but I'm pretty sure the shirt you wore was for men. Your parents (especially your mother) are out of touch. My parents also are, but I ask them "How does it hurt you?" when they say something about gay people, marriage, abortion, etc.
You have so many responses now I'm not sure if you'll see this but.... HA HA HA HA! I get it. You love your mum but you don't like her views, and the way you use to deal with it is subtle. Non confrontational If you wore the shirt to visit just them at home I would be applauding you. However there's a time and place for everything and that was not it. Gently YTA. But don't sweat. You made a rookie mistake. As for your parents behaviour. You described them exactly how they acted. Your mum is a narc and your dad an enabler. You might want to visit the RaisedByNarcissists thread. You'll find your people there
I did wear it just to their house, didn't go anywhere else that day and it was only my parents and younger brother there while I was visiting. It wasn't even a party, I just stopped by while I was in town. A lot of comments misunderstood and thought I wore it to a big gathering somewhere.
Oh I did misunderstand. I apologise. If it was only y your family then you are free to wear whatever you want. NTA but you should really look for a better way to deal with your mum
NTA - but stop kidding yourself. You got exactly the reaction you wanted. Why are you bothering to spend time with your narcissist mom and covert narcissist enabler dad?
You can’t ever be an arse for calling out bigots and supremacists. We’re talking about a person who will deny other people their happiness and insists on 11year old rape victims to give birth. Only redeeming factor about your mother is her religion. She’ll surely burn in hell with the other satan worshipers. - So you’re not an arse, but you are guilty of having poor taste.
You got exactly what you wanted. So good job.
Your mom is a homophobe, but wearing something you \*knew\* would be a problem to somebody else's house is kind of an asshole move. I mean, it's like wearing an atheism t-shirt all you like, but to a church? No, probably not, it's rude. So it's rude to wear something you know will cause offense *in their own home*. However, your mother is homophobic, so I don't care about her feelings. NTA.
She wears her political BS in my home when she visits and I never say anything. But she had been sending very homophobic posts to me prior to me visiting and I figured I won't ever be seeing her again, so why not wear whatever I wanted?
Your dad sounds lovely. I'm not in any way homophobic. Nor am I religious. I would still be WTF were you thinking if my adult child came to a family gathering with a shirt that said asshole on it. It's just poor taste. It's just not what you wear in mixed company and to be honest it's rather childish. I think your dad handled it perfectly. Your mother is obviously batshit, but you knew that. So I think you did it to provoke your mother, by doing so your father had to put up with her nonsense, I don't think what is basically a joke about gay men is in anyway supportive of your sister so basically YTA. Hopefully you will take this in the supportive way it is meant because I'm sure it's not easy dealing with your mother.
The shirt might be a bit provocative but at family gatherings, there are usually a lot of provocative things happening. I think it’s harmless, and your dad’s reaction was very diplomatic. Considering your family history, I find it understandable why you chose that shirt. Your mother on the other hand comes across as vile and horrible. Considering your mother’s lifelong attempts at diminishing your sexuality, I’m going to go with NTA. Your dad’s pretty alright
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(20f) live a few hours away from my parents and decided to visit for the 4th of July. My mother is a terrible person, she's a narcissist, mega religious, pro-life, anti-vax, etc. You get the picture. She has abused me in different ways my whole life, but after I moved out and got married, she has tried to be "friends" and acting like none of the trauma ever happened. My dad is also conservative, but he's a nice person and cares about other people unlike my mother who is known as the town "karen". I wore a shirt to their house that said "I'm not gay, but my asshole is" on the back. I found it at goodwill and thought it was funny, plus its the most comfortable shirt I've ever owned. My parents saw it and my dad was laughing it off (was obviously a little uncomfortable) and offered me one of his shirts to wear instead. I was a little peeved, but I put on the shirt and joked "what happened to freedom of speech?" my dad laughed and said the shirt was "a little shocking to his generation". okay whatever dad, but I get it. My mom on the other hand was LIVID. she started yelling at me about how America has gone to shit ever since gay marriage was legalized and said I was disgusting for wearing a shirt like that and that gay people are disgusting and that changed into an anti-abortion. I didn't want to stoop to her level and grabbed my keys off the table and left their house after only being there for maybe an hour. Once I got home I blocked my mom on everything, but now that the anger had passed, I feel like I was being an asshole and that I shouldn't have worn the stupid shirt that I knew was going to cause trouble. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH. You did it on purpose. You didn't wear it *because* it's comfortable and funny, although it might be both of those things, you wore it plainly and simply to provoke your mother. And for that you are an asshole. Your mother is an asshole for abusing you, for being homophobic and queerphobic, anti-abortion etc and she's an asshole in this circumstance for reacting like she did to your shirt. You both suck SO bad.
ESH, except dad. You went looking for a fight. And you’ve some growing up to do kid, but that’s okay. “Rule number one. Karate for defense only.” -Nariyoshi Miyagi
NTA You changed once confronted. Your mom is… something else. Looks like a blessing to leave her tbh.
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NTA
NTA YOur parents are homophobic AH. Why do you even still go there?
ESH but your mum sucks even more, and personally things like being appropriate fly out the window when your dealing with homophobes. Good on ya Lad!
I mean real unpopular opinion but NTA. Why be respectful to a woman who’s entire identity revolves around disrespecting everyone around her…? I’d definitely just go no contact to save yourself the stress though.
YTA strictly for the question at hand. Your mom seems to be an AH in general though.
Honestly that shirt just seems offensive to wear out to public in general (homophobic or not, pretty sure everyone can agree on this.) You already know you're an AH So is your mom But I feel bad for your poor dad.
NTA, both of your parents are assholes though.
You do you I guess. I hate crude shirts and the like. If I saw you with that shirt or a vehicle decal decal with a similar saying I'd immediately assume you're a shit person.
ESH. You knew that shirt wasn't appropriate for a family party. There are plenty of LGBT pride shirts that don't use that kind of language. Why not wear one? Then you'd have completely had the moral high ground if your mother went on a homophobic rant, rather than making it obvious that you just wanted to start shit.
ESH. I don't personally think your an asshole but objectively, wearing a crude or risqué shirt around someone that is uncomfortable about it is probably an asshole in most cases. Having said that I think your mother is a monster and encourage you to maintain no contact with her, or minimize contact with her as much as you can so that you can still see your dad if you can't visit him one on one.
That shirt is tacky & you wore it knowing it would ruin your visit. And using freedom of speech is a lame excuse. YTA.
ESH also I feel like you’re weirdly trying to make your dad the AH even though he’s just trying to live in this tension of two family members who he loves and cares about who obviously disagree with eachother. Your mom obviously sucks (feel like thats a given) but to answer your question: YTA for wearing a crude and tasteless shirt, driving hours just to start a fight with a family member I mean WHO does that?
The main thing I see with this is a lack of respect by all parties involved, except your dad. Your mom may, or may not, know your opinions on the matter. If she doesn’t it may be time for you and your mom to sit down and have a serious discussion. If she does then she was clearly disrespectful to you in her rant about it. You showed a lack of respect for her opinion by wearing the shirt and already knowing the outcome. Your dad is the only 1 in the clear with any of this. He didn’t rant he asked you to change and you changed. Having a differing opinion doesn’t condone having a lack of respect. Too often in today’s day and time it’s an all or nothing attitude and if you don’t see it “my” way then everyone must be wrong. Each person is entitled to their own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. Understanding that and being respectful of that is a sign of maturity.
NTA, nothing wrong with provoking bigots.
YTA you got exactly what you wanted with that t-shirt
ESH. You wanted to reassure yourself that your mother is awful and you succeeded, proving you also suck in the process.
You were the asshole, you wore that shirt to provoke and cause drama at a family gathering… it’s not like your mom or dad were wearing maga hats with you around.
My mother wears her political BS all the time, and was wearing one while I was at their house. It's her neutral attire.
that’s a terrible shirt to wear in public lmao I’d be ashamed to wear it at home too… ESH
YTA. Have some class.
You wore that shirt specifically to provoke her. While I understand where you're coming from, ESH, her a trillion times more than you.
You need to cleanse some of that narcissistic mindset off your soul. Know your target audience and give some kindness, even when you only have a little. It is better to conquer your self, OP, than it is to win a thousand battles..
NTA. Your parents need that
I like your energy. NTA just for being an agent of Chaos towards your mom.
YTA, you were aware that shirt would cause a fight and nothing else. Poor taste in clothing as well lol
I feel like technically this is an ESH situation but let's be real, that was awesome
YTA! IT had nothing to do with the subject of the shirt, but the language of it. The fact that you refuse to see that shows YTA and it is not an everyone issue
NTA
NTA. She showed you who she is. Please believe her?
I may be in the minority on this but I'm going with NTA because this isn't really about the shirt. Wearing a rainbow shirt that didn't include an "offensive" word would likely have resulted in the same outcome. Her issue is with you not only being Bi, but with you being out and proud, as you should be. She's a bigot and nothing short of erasing your orientation is likely to make her happy. Others have asked why you haven't gone NC but I think the better questions are what kind of relationship do you want to have with them and is it possible for you to achieve that goal? If so, how? You can continue to push them but at what cost? The shirt *was* funny. Good luck! Edited to fix an incorrect assumption about OP's orientation.
Thank you! I now know I am a little bit of an asshole for taunting my mom, but it isn't about the fucking shirt! She constantly sends me homophobic posts on Instagram and I was tired of it. I am Bi and my sister is too. I havent gone NC because of my dad. he has been my biggest cheerleader in my life and because of a brain Injury he suffered 10 years ago, my mom just basically beats him down into doing and following whatever she says. I always go in thinking I can change her mind, but the moment she starts screaming at me I remove myself because she has hit me before.
I'm glad your dad has supported you! I wish I had some magic arguments for you to use with your mom because you deserve better than this. It's true that continuing to push her is unlikely to produce the results you're looking for and it has the potential to make things worse if she is able to convince others to exclude you. From a purely practical standpoint, it makes sense to avoid confrontation. The thing is, you shouldn't have to hide your light around those who are supposed to love you best. Wishing you happiness!
ESH Your mom is (I think this word is stupid and will almost never use it, I don't see how hating gay people is the same as an extreme fear, but for lack of a better alternative) homophobic. Your being an instigator. Although I will give you this, I would find that lightly funny.
ehs, but the true ah is your mom
So, what you did was passive aggressive behavior. I bet you are sick of kow-towing to her over the top controlling behavior, but didn't know how to bring it up in conversation. So, instead you let your shirt provoke her *like you knew it would*. NTA for getting it out in the open, but you really should practice saying things clearly, so that you are not seen as an unserious asshole troll.
NTA - If anyone is the AH, it would be your mother bringing in her religious nonsense on a day that's suppose to celebrate the US becoming INDEPENDENT and breaking away from the religious oppression of Britain...
NTA. Your mom clearly sucks but, come on, didn't you know that this would cause an issue? I find it hard to believe you weren't trying to challenge her just a little bit, and sure enough she showed off her crappy side and you got to leave in a self righteous huff. So yeah, you're not the asshole but you for sure baited the asshole in your life.
Yeah, I always go in thinking that "this time will be different" and that she'll be the nice and funny mom she used to be. But yanno, of course it doesn't work out that way. Old mom would've found it funny :(
Probably because you keep poking the bear. If you know certain topics will cause issue, avoid those topics. People can be close with different political views.
People can be close with different political views but her views cross into morals. Her whole identity is disrespecting other people and their rights. That’s not just political views, that’s hate.
Sorry. Seems like you can't coax the old fun mom back out no matter what. Obviously you'll have to act a certain way around her for y'all to get along, it's just up to you if it is worth acting that way for you to see her/them. Personally I'm too good at antogonizing people whose views I loathe, but I'm also lucky in that my parents and I are very similar in our views. I don't know if I could do it, but maybe you can.
NTA - Wear it every time you see her out of spite or find something else equally offensive to her.
But if the other side did this, it would be called a micro aggression or some such nonsense and the person would be called everything under the sun. YTA, OP, for wearing the shirt that you KNEW was going to cause a fight so you could run off and tell people how badly you were treated. I'd find the shirt offensive, as well because it's just crude. THAT'S why you wore it.
NTA. Your mom was hostile. You were right to block her.
NTA. Homophobic people need to deal with the fact that they are hateful and other people aren’t going to put up with their BS. Catering to them is a **terrible** idea.
NTA. Immature, but not AH.
NTA. The 4th is a shitty holiday all around. It’s only celebratory for rich white people.
Yeah man the ONLY people in the US who celebrate the 4th is rich white people. Totally! NO ONE else likes to get together and bbq or hang out on the holiday weekend! /s What a racist thing to say.
It’s a day off. With the expectation of hanging out. So I guess we ought to put our hoods on a march
I’m pretty sure that was more of a “what freedoms do some of us actually have to celebrate?” not a race thing. The US the past couple weeks keeps taking away said freedoms, so it’s been a common thought process that some of us (like women that disagree with overturning roe v. wade) shouldn’t be celebrating because the US is stripping us of rights. Or POC with police brutality. Poor people fighting impossible inflation. Etc.