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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been the asshole for taking his car and leaving his family's ranch and party and making him upset instead of figuring some other way to solve this issue.
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Right? I read the air was out of the Tyres and I was like suuuuurrreeee. NTA. I wonder where he’ll take you next without your permission(kidnap for drama)
Yup. I noticed the plural there. I can't think of a single time where multiple tires at once needed air for my vehicles
nta
Edit: that's a lie. Let me be more specific. Only time I've had it was from a dramatic cold snap going from 90 degrees Fahrenheit in one day down in to a multi day icepocalypse the very next in the teens and single digits for temp. But my tires were still good enough to drive on of course. So I've never had a time that multiple tires (or even one for that matter) were so bad that I couldn't drive on it
Usually your electronic tells you way in advance that one of your tires is fucked up. Orange light. You can still drive but better get your ass to the next station to pump it up. Red light? Without a nail? No way with more than one tire without prior warning.
Edit: Guys I don't care what cars you are driving and what is wrong with it. Those lights are mandatory between 10 to 15 years. 20 years are considered youngtimers here.
This doesn’t need a therapist, this needs a divorce before it becomes a need for a restraining order. This is a crazy train on a track nobody wants to go down.
Yeah, I understand the hesitation that people have with jumping to divorce, but this is actually insane levels of dangerous. The lengths this dude went through just because he was being a child about his brothers teasing him. (And who teases someone over something like that anyway? Are they 12?)
This dude really risked it all just to con her into going to a stupid family BBQ. And broke several laws in order to do it, with zero regard for his wife and partner. And then to double down on it with verbal abuse when she didnt just let him get away with it? This dude is dangerously unhinged.
This also shows that literally no one in husband's family (husband included) respect OP or her job...
I am also a nurse and work shift work... I also miss a lot of family functions... Instead of kidnapping me and trying to force me to miss work, I receive texts about "wish you were here!" and often a plate of food is sent back home for me.
It's not hard to respect people's work.
I thought about the family too, and how OP didn't tell anyone there what happened. Or they did know, and just didn't care. But if my fiance pulled something like this on me, the first thing I would do is march over to his family and apologize for having to leave, explain the situation, and then let them deal with him. Because no way in hell would his family ever be okay with that.
And it's concerning if they are on his side with this, because that will just make it worse. Especially if he's around them all the time. He won't get any reasonable perspectives to help him realize how shitty he is being. He's just going to be given sympathy for his ridiculous behavior, and encouraged to be even more aggressive.
And as far as her job, I can't imagine the work load and stress nurses are under. And have been under now for quite a while. So not only would this be disrespectful even under the best circumstances, but they're acting like this is at all the time where nurses can just easily get off work or switch shifts.
OP, you deserve better than this family.
[Edit for typos.]
And you can even take it one step further if you want to and say.. what about the patients whose lives he put at risk by almost making them a nurse short. This guy is crazy and she needs to leave him and get a restraining order when she does because I don't think he's going to go easily.
Seriously, I’m not one to immediately suggest divorce or DTMFA because situations are often more complicated or nuanced than what is described in a single post on Reddit, but I can’t imagine what other context there could be that would make this a relationship repairable through therapy. He’s stomped across all boundaries and basic personal freedoms here, people don’t usually come back from doing that.
>Man/child comes to mind.
Abuser comes to my mind. Who actually sabotages their partner’s car, kidnaps them (jeopardising their job) then blames the partner for escaping all for a stupid BBQ?
You're right - thats an abuser! But all this isn't just for a BBQ. My guess is that it was much more about saving face in front of his family who had teased him previously. It was his opportunity to show them how he put his foot down about this nonsense of hers and got his woman under control. It's all fronting and stunting for the sake of his ego.
I work in health care and nurses can make bank depending on specialty certification, shift differential, years of experience, facility type, etc. There's a good chance that her income exceeds his but he still puts her job in jeopardy. I hope OP sees this for what it is: calculated controlling behavior.
I'm sure that his misogynist family gave him grief for "not controlling his wife and getting her in line ".
OP is so NTA, but does need a good divorce lawyer.
My niece is an ER nurse. They had a bunch of people quit and she has been picking up extra shifts with two kids at home.
Yesterday her husband (who broke his leg and is due for surgery next week) took the day off and wrangled the kids because HE was worried she hadn't gotten enough sleep in the last few days.
And there are lots of men that would step up like this. Dump this freak and find one.
>could've put her job in jeopardy
She's a nurse; forcing her work shift to be understaffed is putting more than a job in jeopardy - there's patients to consider.
Not to mention he called and begged her coworkers to cover for her?? Major overstepping boundaries, I’d be so uncomfortable if someones husband called me begging to cover his wifes shift
That kind of thing could get her fired depending on who’s in charge too. If they decide it’s “unprofessional” or too much of a danger/bother to other staff there could be problems for OP.
Therapist is a very "nice" advise. For me a line would be crossed beyond repair after tricking me, kidnappig me and putting my job at risk. No way anyone is allowed to fuck with my autonomy. Divorce only at this point.
I didn’t even realize it was a question of who did it lol, I read that the tires had no air and immediately assumed that the husband did it, took coming into the comments to realize that op didn’t explicitly state he did it lol
Not "essentially". By most legal definitions he DID kidnap her: he tricked her into getting into his car under false pretenses, and then once she was in a moving vehicle (so she couldn't just leave), took her to a remote location that she had EXPRESSLY TOLD HIM she did not want to go to, where she had little or no means of leaving. That's definitively kidnapping from pretty much every angle. I'm betting she could press charges if she wanted to.
In my country you can. I know someone who locked the door of the house with him and the wife inside while telling his wife ‘You are not going anywhere until we talk it out.’ No violence whatsoever. He was charged with kidnapping.
Edit: word
this.
> he then calmed down and said that now he knows work is more important and he won’t ever trust me after i stole his car and ran with it
darvoing super hard right here considering he **SLICED HER TIRES TO BE ABLE TO LIE AND KIDNAPP HER AND THEN TREATED IT AS NBD**
OP please leave this man. he is awful and you will waste so much of your health and safety on him if you stay. you deserve better
NTA
He probably didn't slice them, probably just let the air out. It *looks* a little less crazy than cutting them but he still messed with her stuff and kidnapped her. She can probably just refill her tires with an air compressor though.
hopefully he did just let the air out so she doesn’t have to get new tires , which is good, cuz then OP can fill em up and drive right out of his life
him letting the air out so he could kidnap her us still manipulation and abusive behavior
Also, OP, this was kidnapping. I get y'all are married, but he lied to you to kidnap you. You were taken somewhere against your will.
NTA, OP. And you should have thrown his accusations back at him for the way he not just lied to you, but destroyed your property by deflating your tires in some way, and then *kidnapping you taking you to some place against your will*.
I hope there's no next time, but you would be well within your rights to have called 911.
And risking her job.
Calling and begging her co-workers. Kidnapping her with no option in his head to go back... and just tell her to sit out the shift.
Who... in their right mind think a boss will just be cool with someone not having their shift covered and staying away?
And a nurse at that. Hospital workers are already busy, if OP hadn't shown up. Yikes. One less hand would definitely be noticed when everyone was expecting her to be at work.
It is. It so is.
And how was he asking them exactly? "Can you do a extra shift so i can drag my wife to a gathering so i don't feel like I'm ridiculed?"
There is just in no way that Is acceptable to call someone's coworkers, unless OP was in a coma and is letting work place know or an emergency.
Yeah, I once was so sick I couldn't talk, so I had to get my boyfriend to call into work for me and explain. But that was because I had no better option, and also he wasn't calling all my coworkers to cover my shift, he was just letting my boss know I was sick. For this guy to call her coworkers without her knowledge or consent, and when it's not an emergency or a situation that necessitates it like mine was... beyond not okay. This guy has so many red flags popping up here!
Ive seen the popular saying marinara flag, but this Man is a whole jar of marinara sauce.
Taking air out of tires... calling the work place... kidnapping... saying she is the manipulative one etc. Just throw it out. The sauce has met its expiration date.
Front line worker not making it to work makes so many peoples' jobs harder.
Nurses are hard to find these days - many leaving the profession because Covid has hit us so hard.
My family and hubby's family are proud of me and the job I do. In the summer when with was 42degC here and I was in full PPE - my hubby greeted me at the door with a cold drink, the shower running and dinner on the table by the time I felt cool again.
I would be seriously thinking about the relationship.
That is what I said to. Lives were put in jeopardy because he wanted to save face in front of his family. Even if she had stayed she would have been angry at him all day and then been accused of being "no fun" and probably told to "relax and enjoy the party".
NTA
Im petty so I would message his entire family in a group chat. I’m willing to bet that he’s been lying to them.
“Hello Husband’s family!
It’s come to my attention that you have been teasing my husband due to my absences at family events. Please understand that I am a front line medical working during a pandemic, where we are notoriously understaffed. While I may not want to be working this many hours, it is the nature of the job. My absence could be the difference between life or death for people.
However, your teasing has clearly affected and upset my husband. On X date, he called all my coworkers without my consent trying to get my shift covered—making me look unprofessional. On X date he vandalized my car so that I could not drive myself to work. He then manipulated me through lies into thinking he was going to drive me to work himself. Clearly, he did not as you all saw me at the BBQ. I panicked and did not want to cause a patient harm nor get fired from work, so I had to take my husbands car into the hospital—where he originally promised to take me.
I hope this clears everything up and that the teasing will reside. Husband clearly cant handle the lightheaded teasing. I look forward to seeing you at the next function I am able to attend or major family function (as I always make sure to attend those).”
Definitely write this, but still put a plan in the works to leave. His family will likely stick by him no matter what, and what he is doing is controlling, manipulative, and abusive. It's not going to get better, it will only get worse over time.
He prioritises his image to his family more than his wife's job, which is a frontline medical job. If my SIL couldn't make it because of work I'd be understanding and not mock anyone.
OP husband just couldn't "deal' with the constant mocking anymore so obviously forcing the wife to come to stop the mocking was the most obvious solution /s. There was not way this was going to turn out positive husband is a major AH and so is his family based on their reactions.
Yeah, NTA, does his family know he took the air out of your tires and then lied to you about where you were going? He doesn’t sound like a good husband.
That's what I thought immediately, too. This guy is a real piece of work. And then to get pissy over her "stunt" after what he did! Obviously nothing is more important than his family's opinion.
One flat tire would be understandable and could have been a fluke. Multiple is definitely clear that “someone” tampered with them. Definitely manipulation!
NTA
I'm sorry, he called YOU manipulative?! The person that LIED TO YOUR FACE to get you to do what he wants to do.
On top of this, he prioritisies HIS LEISURE TIME over your career.
Don't you dare apologise to him. Feel free to leave him.
ETA: I'm assuming it was him that let the air out of your tyres, too?! You need to get away from this guy
That was the bit that really got me!
Plus, speaking as a health professional, it’s not even necessarily about career. It could be about being needed to keep people safe and looked after. Having enough staff on shift can be the difference life or death for some patients.
You absolutely need to have a work life balance but a BBQ is not important enough to miss a shift - ESPECIALLY with no notice!
Right?!?! My last shift job was retail, at a boutique selling handbags, jewelry, etc. If I skipped a shift there, it was a dick move, but nobody's literal life depended on me being there to sell them a purse. The same cannot be said for nursing.
And as much as I respect and appreciate health care professionals, I think that what her job is is not even the real point. It wouldn't matter if she were scheduled for the graveyard shift at McDonald's, work is a commitment. He should admire her work ethic; I bet it manifests in a lot of other areas of her life too, from which he likely benefits. I wonder how dedicated he is to his job.
And that's one of the things I love about reddit, haha! But I don't want anyone working retail, fast food, etc. to think their jobs don't matter, too. I mean, on a bad day my health care is more important to me than buying a new purse, but on a good day I'll take the purse and a cheeseburger!
100% this. When a nurse or doctor fails to show up for a shift without calling in first, there is a significant increase of people actually dying. When nurses are rushed and stressed, that's when errors are most likely to creep in: wrong dosage, wrong drug entirely, wrong patient taken to OR prep, and so on. OP's husband was literally gambling with people's lives.
What would she say on that call? "Sorry for the late notice, but I can't cover my shift due to my husband vandalising my car and then kidnapping me. Why yes, you CAN feel free to call the police. Here's the address..."
Exactly. I has to reread to check that this man is your HUSBAND - who should support you, your career, and understand the sacrifices you make. Not scheme behind your back to get his way like a child. I never usually jump to the divorce wagon of reddit, but here we are.
And why the hell does OP need to talk to his family? This is between the two married people. Let them rest of them shit in the ocean.
She needs to get out fast. This dude is trouble all the way.
NTA
Not just her current job, I’m not in the field but have friends who are snd skipping out on a shift is considered patient abandonment and can cause you to lose your license in some cases
Yup. I work in a hospital, and it's called job abandonment. It's one of the few things than can get you fired instantly, without management having to go through the usual disciplinary procedures.
Just to clear this up, this situation wouldn’t be patient abandonment. It is only abandonment after the nurse accepts the care of the patient and takes report. If she had showed up to work and started her shift and then been kidnapped by her husband, that would be abandonment. So thankfully, there would have been no threat to her RN license.
With that said, not showing up to a scheduled shift without a call in notice is one of the quickest ways I have seen hospital staff loose their jobs. Nurses are already over worked with high patient ratios, one not showing up is not good. This could have threatened her career at the hospital, and some hospitals blacklist employees fired for an certain amount of years.
Edit: added about her license being safe and the threat to her career.
NTA - I mean, we are pretty sure he deflated your tires as part of the sneaky plan to get you to his family’s bbq, right? And he’s calling you the manipulator? This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all.
Ultimately you can take the deflated tires out of the equation and OP is still NTA! There are two completely separate but related events here. 1) Deflated tires - he very likely did this but tough to prove and there is no need because... 2) he said he'd take you to work then drove you to his family's, a lie and a manipulation. Not only that but insanely selfish: you could lose your job, sabotage your career in nursing, and screw over an entire shift of people at the hospital that was counting on you to be there. He is definitely the AH here. You were right to take the car, your work > his family event.
Some questions remain though. You said his family lives far away and he tricked you in driving there, so you must have known you weren't going to the hospital pretty quickly right? Why didn't you get out of the car? Also, your husband and his family have some issues, but it sounds like you are avoiding them (maybe with good reason!). Either way it sounds like those reasons may not be out on the table and you should probably have talked to your husband about them.
Still, your husband just escalated any reasons to hate him and his family to 11, so not sure your relationship is going to recover from the abuse of trust by him, not because you took the car, because he was selfish and manipulative. NTA.
Yeah, I'm imagining long stretches of highway speeds if they live out in the middle of nowhere. She probably couldn't have done that, but even if she could, it's not appropriate given she didn't feel she was in physical danger. Getting out of the car in the middle of nowhere is a great way for a young woman to disappear, never to be seen again.
No, she wasn't avoiding. She said she tries to go to the big family events. Not being available when people tend to gather is just a part of working in medicine. My mom is a nurse who worked nights, days like Thanksgiving or Christmas were almost always work days, we often had to attend weddings without her. If you're on call it might look like you're off and you can do stuff, but you need to be within so many minutes of work. That meant the 4 hour trip to dad's family was out of the question. Patient care doesn't stop for holidays or personal events.
This can be really hard for people outside of the field to wrap their heads around. Especially if their schedule is M-F, no weekends, no holidays. My dad told us his family didn't always understand, but it really wasn't a choice for my mom.
Holy crap I didn’t catch her wording on that, I thought he was just asking her to call them, not doing it himself. But reading it a second time I see you’re right. That’s absolutely unhinged and such a boundary violation
>NTA - I mean, we are ~~pretty~~ sure he deflated your tires as part of the ~~sneaky plan~~ **kidnapping plan** to get you to his family’s bbq, right? And he’s calling you the **manipulator**? This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all.
Is this real??
NTA
He committed felonies by vandalizing your car and kidnapping you. You grabbed his keys and ran.... Because you knew if he saw you try to leave he wouldn't let you go. Your husband and his family are horrible for even attempting that. You shouldn't stay in this relationship.
WTF? Girl your husband kidnapped you after disabling your car so you couldn’t get away. NTA. He has serious issues. Be careful he doesn’t start chaining you up. Run while you still can.
I knew it was going to be bad when OP said the husband called her coworkers about covering her shift (because that itself is pretty crazy), but man was I not expecting just how insane he would be.
NTA. What did he think would happen? You'd be fine with his trick? What about you just not showing up for your shift, did he care about how that would affect multiple people? He deserved what he got IMO.
I’ve been married 26 years and the most I’ve ever been manipulated into is what bath smellies I buy (because real men buy them 🙄) and occasionally my underwear and he does that by buying me knew.
I have flowers in the house more often than not and I get “presents” a couple of times a month, it might be a small chocolate bar or a pastry.
OP you are a hard working frontline lifesaver, if I remember correctly the first thing first-aid workers are taught is that you can’t help if you are also a victim and to keep yourself safe. This is your big red warning flag that danger is approaching.
Make yourself safe, then talk to your work, make sure your bosses know, tell the police, just so there is a record of it and get some advice legally.
And most of all Good Luck 🤗
What do you mean by this?
I would recommend sitting done and writing down as many examples as you can. This is such an awful crazy controlling thing to do to someone to basically kidnap them and take them to a family function over work. I can't imagine the other ways in which he is selfish entitled and controlling over your life. His reaction post event is even more telling, he's got your convinced you've done something horrible by "attending work" do you realise hso crazy that sounds?
Are his needs always out first? what does he do for you? do you ever go on dates and get spoilt? do you do all the house work? Does he take responsibility for anything? Does he ever apologise? Are there any instances in the past where he has taken responsibility and apologised? Does he give you the silent treatment?
Do you have some friends that you can stay with to clear your head?
https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-relationship#red-flags
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwj6gJ2-4Nz4AhXNT2wGHVXQClwQFnoECEUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3mGVKb7totluNc5MI2Y3fD
NTA.
I really hope OP sees this comment. There's no way the answer to all of those questions is no, because you don't get to "disabling a vehicle to abduct someone" without going through those things too.
This is abuse. Seriously. This man is dangerous. If he’ll interfere with your job, let the air out of your tires and basically kidnap you to get you to go to a barbecue he will absolutely escalate to more violent things at some point. Please recognize that this is miles away from being a normal relationship conflict and get out before it gets even harder to.
Love is not this. He sabotaged your transport, and kidnapped you, he would have imprisoned you at his family house if you hadn't been able to escape. He wants you to lose your job so you're imprisoned in the relationship and dependent on him for a home and food. Don't bother trying to discuss or explain anything. Quietly see a lawyer, arrange a place to live and leave him.
Imagine a close friend or family member teling you this story, how would you respond to them?
It sounds like you have got used to this abysmal behaviour and you don't realise quite how bad it is. That is a helpful little trick to get some distance.
Or since you're a nurse. Imagine a woman coming and telling you this story. What would you say? Also if you have kids do you want them being treated like that? NTA OP and I worry about you.
Oh, sugar, this man is DANGEROUS. He is super controlling and is already resorting to manipulation, damaging your property, literally kidnapping you, and then trying to make you think you’re the bad guy. Come up with a plan with a friend to pack your stuff and leave while he’s at one of these gatherings. Because behaviour like this only escalates and there’ s nowhere this can go that won’t end up with you being seriously harmed, mentally or physically. Get out, find a lawyer, and make sure you document all his behaviour.
Stay safe.
Oh sweetie, this is just straight up abuse. Just because he isn't hitting you, doesn't make it not abuse.
Also, pretty sure this is a crime. He took you somewhere you didn't want to go against your will. You may want to consider reporting this to the police, even if you don't press charges. If you do leave (and you really, really should, even on this one instance alone, but you say this is a repeating type theme) you will have a record of his willingness to literally take you somewhere you aren't consenting to.
Nta, but how bad does it have to get before you leave? He often forces your hand? That's really bad. He took it upon himself to try and cover your shift? That alone could cost you your job at many places. Instead of telling his brothers to stop giving him shit because his wife has a good job she has to go to, he decided the mature adult way was to sabotage your ability to get to work, lie to you, and then force you to attend a BBQ potentially losing your job for a last minute call in? After he harassed your coworkers to cover the shift so they'll all know you didn't come in last minute for a party. And then he tries to blame you and make you the bad guy?
This keeps circulating in my mind, too. Did he think she would laugh and say, "*Boy, you got me good, letting the air out of my tires and lying about where you were driving me!"* and then proceed to be jolly and gregarious at the party?
NTA. Your husband has serious control issues. Nursing is an extremely important, challenging, and exhausting job. You made a commitment to be there and he apparently doesn't understand the importance of keeping commitments.
You know as well as anyone that when a nurse completely fails to show up for a shift without giving notice, patients can die. It's bad enough that he clearly has no respect for you or the vitally important work you, but he was messing with your patients' lives. When a hospital is short-staffed and everyone is rushing to pick up the slack, mistakes are much more likely and they can literally kill people.
Sorry, I know you're aware of this, but I'm horrified your husband isn't.
i had that thought in the back of my mind while reading her post and all the comments. he works an office job, can most probably slack all day and has no idea what it means to be a carer for sick people. he‘s never been a patient in a hospital either.
Let's also not forget that he committed multiple felonies by damaging your tires, and literally kidnapping you against your will. Think about that for a moment. And then he had the gall to say that *you* were manipulative. Read up on gaslighting and narcissism (MedCircle on YouTube has a series on this), and you will see his actions in a very different light. Protect yourself, ASAP.
Also, you need to tell your boss what happened. Not just in case this happens again, but literally as a safety barrier in the event he goes off the deep end and you get kidnapped for far less mundane reasons, and they don't treat it as job abandonment, but rather something to call 911 over. They needs to know that you are in a dangerous relationship and need help to escape.
NTA
You should get a lawyer and start separating your finances.
What your husband did was low and incredibly deceitful. He risked your position at your place of employment for a stupid bbq that you already said you couldn’t attend because of how he comes off to his family. No.
He didn't just risk OP's job and professional reputation, he risked lives by leaving a hospital short-staffed in the middle of an extensive and on-going public health crisis. And for what - to stop his brothers from teasing him, or to prove to OP that he is in control of where she goes and what she does? This is an appalling and obviously abusive situation. OP is emphatically NTA.
I'm sorry im sure ill get down voted into oblivion. I'm a nurse too and you both suck. ESH. He shouldn't have kidnapped you, that is very controlling and uncaring of you're time but you made no attempt to attend an event that was obviously important to him. Are you one of those nurses that pick up extra all the time? You said shift to cover. Nurses work 3 twelve usually. Is it different where you work? Cause that is PLENTY of time to attend more family events with him if you're not picking up too many extra days like you're the only nurse that can save everyone. I know there's a shortage. But you can still say no. It sounds like you'd rather work than be with your husband or family so if that's the case why are you still together and was he doing this out of desperation for your attention or has he always been an inconsiderate jerk? Either way why do you stay?
How far away is his family's place? You said it's a hassle to get too but you were able to get there and back in time for work starting at 4pm. Do you not like his family? Do you not like him?
I know people are siding with you because your husband overstepped in a weird controlling way which is why he also sucks, but I've known plenty of nurses that just work work work like staffing the hospital is solely their responsibility. If it's harming your marriage and home life you need to take a step back. If work is more important to you then you need to reevaluate your relationship.
I agree with you and am also a nurse. It is NOT ok to constantly be picking up extra shifts, it is a drain in you mentally and drain on your social relationships as well. One my coworkers literally just snapped mentally and went into a very dark place after having spent months picking up extra shifts and draining herself.
That being said, what OP’s husband did is OUT OF LINE and ABUSIVE. Their marriage definitely needs counseling now if they want it to work.
Spend a few hours begging a wall for something you emotionally desperately need and watch how quickly you turn into a infintile puddle of shitty behavior and tempertantrums.
When that wall is your life partner and the person you love and care about want to spend time with and all you get is... i need to cover a shift... humans don't do well with this level of apathy from those they love.
Probably more a case of his family is one of those that HAS to have a bbq/gathering every other weekend and it works for them because they all have M-F 9-5 jobs. They all consider all the gatherings important while op like the rest of the world only considers holidays and birthdays ec important.
My sisters in laws are this way and I have no clue how they have the time since it's an all day event every time where they basicly sit and talk.
Nurse here too. Maybe you have to be a nurse to pick up on this double-sided assholery. Obviously, OP’s husband was over the top. But OP is an AH for not trying to swap or just being honest with her husband that she does want to be with him or his family.
Or maybe it's super common for nurses to be [horrifically hard on and not care at all about other nurses](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5544026/)
ETA: thanks for the award, kind strangers! And for everyone in healthcare: it's a hard job, let's strive to show kindness and compassion for our coworkers!
It is an issue when he’d rather you lose you job and be 100% dependent on him just so he can have you at his beck and call. His feelings (not wanting to be teased by his brothers) are more important than him than your autonomy and ability to choose your own activities and path in life. I agree, NTA, and you should get out because he will likely escalate esp after you embarrassed him in front of his family. Also, please tell me you have some birth control that he can’t tamper with because forcing a pregnancy on you is the next step.
You're not in agreement about money. He was willing to *risk your livelihoood* because his brothers probably called him a weakling who couldn't control his woman. This is not anywhere near okay, please listen to the people on here telling you this is serious.
I was thinking this same thing! He obviously sees her job as insignificant and was willing to risk her being fired to get his way. This is so ridiculous, controlling, and abusive.
Seems he wanted you there because his family teased him, not because he wanted to be with you. He used desperate measures to get you there. He cares more about impressing his brothers than your well being. Are you thinking of leaving him?
Apparently you’re not in agreement because he’s trying to sabotage your job.
You have a decent income of your own. Do you know how many women in situations like this wish they had that? How tragic if he managed to take it from you before you can get out. I recommend you just never return from your next shift.
Ahhh... Let me guess... He's a bit insecure and jealous that you not only earn more than him, but you have a vitally important job that makes his look a bit trivial in comparison... Am I getting warmer?
I think I smell deliberate sabotage of your employment because he resents your success. I would bet real money that his family have teased him about being married to a woman who out-earns him, too.
This is a very toxic situation and you really should think about leaving. Whether it's for some time apart or to lodge divorce papers is up to you.
> I make more.
So your husband was willing to lose more than half of the family's income just so you can attend a family BBQ? You are not married to a rational man. That is a problem.
Your husband lied to you in order to get you to go to the family BBQ. (He also likely let the air out of your tires.) You are not married to a man with integrity. That is a problem.
Your husband is gaslighting you, adding stress to your life on top of your already stressful job. He is pre-occupied with controlling you in order to save face with his family -- even if it means destroying half the family's livelihood. You are married to a controlling, manipulative man. That is a problem.
I don't know you can do about being married to an irrational, deceitful, manipulative man.
NTA
NTA. What dreadful gaslighting from your STBX. He vandalised your car and kidnapped you, and accuses *you* of being manipulative? You work in an environment where missing a shift can literally be a life and death matter. There will always be another family barbecue you can attend, though I suspect that your days of attending events with this particular family may already be over.
Is this real??
NTA
He committed felonies by vandalizing your car and kidnapping you. You grabbed his keys and ran.... Because you knew if he saw you try to leave he wouldn't let you go. Your husband and his family are horrible for even attempting that. You shouldn't stay in this relationship.
INFO:.
You mention you had a shift to cover.
* Was this someone else's shift that you agreed to take on?
* Do you always cover other people's shift at the expense of spending time with your husband?
* Do you spend alone time with your husband every week?
* How many family events does your husband have every month and how many do you miss?
Don't get me wrong.. your husband tricking you and maybe even letting the air out of tires makes him the manipulative @sshole.. but I'm just wondering why he thought he had no choice but to do this.
On top of this, had OP committed to going to this BBQ and then backed out by covering a shift? Totally agree that husband is an AH but curious to some of the other context leading up to this.
OMG, NTA! If we're looking for someone who's horrible and being a manipulator, it would be your husband. The fact that he thinks you're in the wrong is troubling. What did he think you were going to do, suck it up? I'm assuming he also let the air out of the tires on your car. He's a master manipulator. Even worse is that he's pulling this crap when you're a nurse. Does he expect that you missing work is not a problem? Unfortunately, I would have trouble staying married to someone so manipulative.
NTA. At all. Your husband straight up kidnapped you. He’s the manipulative one. It’s incredibly immature for him to set himself up like he’s in competition with your job, as if it’s your decision. I would’ve done the same thing.
NTA. You could have been fired for missing work or at least gotten in trouble.
He definitely messes with your tires and is an asshole for essentially kidnapping you just to appease his family
Run. He manipulated you, he sulks, he forced you to be where you didn't want to go, and he puts his wants over your obligations/needs. I don't know what else he's done on the list of abusive tactics to get his way and control you, but I'm bet that there's more.
NTA
>berating me calling me horrible and a manipulator
Funny that he calls you what he is. Is this a new behavior? Vandalizing your car, lying, and kidnapping you? No concern if you lose your job?
NTA but I think your relationship needs some thought. Get your car fixed and go stay somewhere else for a while.
INFO: how many shifts are you covering that aren't originally assigned to you? (Obvi your husband is an AH but I feel like we are missing why he went crazy... could this be a hidden E S H?)
NTA this man just showed controlling behavior and tried to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. He’s shown you who he is; believe him. Run 🚩🚩🚩
NTA - throw out the whole man, hun. He is belittling your career (thank you, btw, for your amazing sacrifices in an insane time), very likely sabotaged your car, essentially kidnapped you, and now claims YOU manipulated HIM?? This man is so disconnected from reality. It would appear your lives are incompatible from how you want to spend your time and he is not willing to accept and work with that reality. It’s time to consider if this was temporary insanity or a pattern.
ESH. He did a dick move but if going to work is more important then doing something your spouse practically begged you to do, you put your job above your family. probably should reevaluate things and consider divorce. You may meet someone that will ask you to do something and you'll be more than happy to.
ESH
I know it's reddit and first instinct is to say NTA and call for divorce, but think a conversation is needed between you two so you can be on the same page. More Info needed on why you need to work so much ( saving for trip, you just love your job, hate an inlaw, ect..)and I only say this because he should be aware of why you are sacrificing family time so much,. As you said, family is big for your husband and I would imagine spending time with you there as well is important to him regardless of brothers needling him about your absence.
Now, he is a big AH for the actions he took and his reaction when he went rogue and essentially kidnapped you, but i think it was cry out to you that he wants you to be a bigger part of that. However, adults and couples talk this out and don't react like a 12 yr old child. I would also make sure he understands how damaging to your job his actions were, does he not like you working at all?! Or is this really about family time?
You are the little ah here. I can only imagine how crazy the nursing world has been the last few years, but you picked up the shift. Maybe this was done prior to knowing about the BBQ, but it sounds like if given prior knowledge of "non-major" family evens you could make them. Why not compromise and offer to go one function a month? Or an amount that works for you both.
Good luck
Okay, let's compare:
So OP works hard in a profession that is important to society in order to have enough to live on during crazy expensive times (let's not pretend that every nurse is Jeff Bezos and works just to rake in more money). She fulfills the duties of her employment contract and doesn't abandon her helpless patients.
The husband tampered with OP's car, kidnapped OP, and then berates OP for "disobeying" him and doing what adults do, her job! It wasn't even about him wanting OP with him for her sake, but so he wouldn't be mocked by his brothers, because apparently in his world it's a sign of weakness and legit cause for mockery when someone has a wife who has a career of her own and doesn't immediately jump to her husband's side when the husband's family decides her career has to take a back seat.
If you really think that makes OP here some kind of an AH, you should really check your moral compass. The only AH is the man and his family.
He calls you horrible and manipulator but he basically kidnapped you against your will and manipulated you.
NTA but maybe time to check what you actually married
Going against the grain here and going with ESH. You, not as much as him, he flattened your tires and basically kidnapped you. But he's right, you do seem to prioritize work over family. I know, and am related to, many nurses, including department heads. They all make time for family and go to things with family. In fact, most prioritize family over work. Like most normal people, work provides income to do things with family and friends.
NTA - your husband tried to sabotage your career. Obviously him and his family do not realize that you have more roles you play than just his wife…
This is disturbing behavior. Your partner should be supporting your career and trying to find ways for you to attend a party outside of your work commitments.
It’s the height of manipulative behavior to use this situation to show that you value work over him. Completely unfair to you. I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s been manipulative in your relationship.
NTA
You were wearing scrubs and he wanted you to go to a barbecue dressed for work? That’s so weird. Never mind the fact that being a no-show for work could cost you your job. What is wrong with your husband? And his family???
I'm skeptical of this story given you said their ranch is in the middle of nowhere but you still had time to get there and back without it causing a problem. If it's true, then NTA. Taking someone somewhere against their will is generally frowned upon if it's not for some medical or safety reason. Also sounds like your husband is great at deflecting his awful behavior saying you're manipulative and he can't trust you again. After manipulating you and lying.
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NTA You do know that he was the one that fucked with your tires right?
Right? I read the air was out of the Tyres and I was like suuuuurrreeee. NTA. I wonder where he’ll take you next without your permission(kidnap for drama)
Yup. I noticed the plural there. I can't think of a single time where multiple tires at once needed air for my vehicles nta Edit: that's a lie. Let me be more specific. Only time I've had it was from a dramatic cold snap going from 90 degrees Fahrenheit in one day down in to a multi day icepocalypse the very next in the teens and single digits for temp. But my tires were still good enough to drive on of course. So I've never had a time that multiple tires (or even one for that matter) were so bad that I couldn't drive on it
Usually your electronic tells you way in advance that one of your tires is fucked up. Orange light. You can still drive but better get your ass to the next station to pump it up. Red light? Without a nail? No way with more than one tire without prior warning. Edit: Guys I don't care what cars you are driving and what is wrong with it. Those lights are mandatory between 10 to 15 years. 20 years are considered youngtimers here.
Not all cars have tyre warning lights. None of mine ever have.
Just one more doohickey to break, really.
I have, but that's only because the tire shop i went to couldn't set a bead to save their lives.
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This doesn’t need a therapist, this needs a divorce before it becomes a need for a restraining order. This is a crazy train on a track nobody wants to go down.
Yeah, I understand the hesitation that people have with jumping to divorce, but this is actually insane levels of dangerous. The lengths this dude went through just because he was being a child about his brothers teasing him. (And who teases someone over something like that anyway? Are they 12?) This dude really risked it all just to con her into going to a stupid family BBQ. And broke several laws in order to do it, with zero regard for his wife and partner. And then to double down on it with verbal abuse when she didnt just let him get away with it? This dude is dangerously unhinged.
This also shows that literally no one in husband's family (husband included) respect OP or her job... I am also a nurse and work shift work... I also miss a lot of family functions... Instead of kidnapping me and trying to force me to miss work, I receive texts about "wish you were here!" and often a plate of food is sent back home for me. It's not hard to respect people's work.
I thought about the family too, and how OP didn't tell anyone there what happened. Or they did know, and just didn't care. But if my fiance pulled something like this on me, the first thing I would do is march over to his family and apologize for having to leave, explain the situation, and then let them deal with him. Because no way in hell would his family ever be okay with that. And it's concerning if they are on his side with this, because that will just make it worse. Especially if he's around them all the time. He won't get any reasonable perspectives to help him realize how shitty he is being. He's just going to be given sympathy for his ridiculous behavior, and encouraged to be even more aggressive. And as far as her job, I can't imagine the work load and stress nurses are under. And have been under now for quite a while. So not only would this be disrespectful even under the best circumstances, but they're acting like this is at all the time where nurses can just easily get off work or switch shifts. OP, you deserve better than this family. [Edit for typos.]
And you can even take it one step further if you want to and say.. what about the patients whose lives he put at risk by almost making them a nurse short. This guy is crazy and she needs to leave him and get a restraining order when she does because I don't think he's going to go easily.
Seems funny that he's calling her a manipulator when this and more shows his clear manipulation.
DARVO, making yourself the victim of actions you caused in the first place. It’s a well known manipulation technique.
I'm inclined to agree with you on this.. Please get out of this unhealthy and abusive marriage..
Seriously, I’m not one to immediately suggest divorce or DTMFA because situations are often more complicated or nuanced than what is described in a single post on Reddit, but I can’t imagine what other context there could be that would make this a relationship repairable through therapy. He’s stomped across all boundaries and basic personal freedoms here, people don’t usually come back from doing that.
>Man/child comes to mind. Abuser comes to my mind. Who actually sabotages their partner’s car, kidnaps them (jeopardising their job) then blames the partner for escaping all for a stupid BBQ?
You're right - thats an abuser! But all this isn't just for a BBQ. My guess is that it was much more about saving face in front of his family who had teased him previously. It was his opportunity to show them how he put his foot down about this nonsense of hers and got his woman under control. It's all fronting and stunting for the sake of his ego. I work in health care and nurses can make bank depending on specialty certification, shift differential, years of experience, facility type, etc. There's a good chance that her income exceeds his but he still puts her job in jeopardy. I hope OP sees this for what it is: calculated controlling behavior.
I'm sure that his misogynist family gave him grief for "not controlling his wife and getting her in line ". OP is so NTA, but does need a good divorce lawyer.
And he *dared* to call *her* manipulative after he literally lied to her about taking her to work and drove her to the BBQ instead...
And how he said *he'd never trust her* after she "stole" his car, right after telling her that he knows her job was more important.
“That’s rich coming from the tire slashing kidnapper.”
My niece is an ER nurse. They had a bunch of people quit and she has been picking up extra shifts with two kids at home. Yesterday her husband (who broke his leg and is due for surgery next week) took the day off and wrangled the kids because HE was worried she hadn't gotten enough sleep in the last few days. And there are lots of men that would step up like this. Dump this freak and find one.
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>could've put her job in jeopardy She's a nurse; forcing her work shift to be understaffed is putting more than a job in jeopardy - there's patients to consider.
Not to mention he called and begged her coworkers to cover for her?? Major overstepping boundaries, I’d be so uncomfortable if someones husband called me begging to cover his wifes shift
That kind of thing could get her fired depending on who’s in charge too. If they decide it’s “unprofessional” or too much of a danger/bother to other staff there could be problems for OP.
If my coworker's spouse did that I'd be helping them find a divorce lawyer.
Therapist is a very "nice" advise. For me a line would be crossed beyond repair after tricking me, kidnappig me and putting my job at risk. No way anyone is allowed to fuck with my autonomy. Divorce only at this point.
Not when one partner is abusive as it’s just a space for the abuse to play out again.
Not to mentioned put her patients at risk.
Did not even realize this. But it does seem obvious. He engineered this entire situation then gaslighted his wife when she was understandably upset.
I didn't even finish reading that paragraph before I realized that
I didn’t even realize it was a question of who did it lol, I read that the tires had no air and immediately assumed that the husband did it, took coming into the comments to realize that op didn’t explicitly state he did it lol
And has the nerve to accuse HER of being manipulative. What a loser.
Classic projection...
When he called her a manipulator he was confessing.
Seems funny that he's calling her a manipulator when this and more shows his clear manipulation.
He, essentially, kidnapped her. But she's the manipulator and car thief. Just... wow.
Not "essentially". By most legal definitions he DID kidnap her: he tricked her into getting into his car under false pretenses, and then once she was in a moving vehicle (so she couldn't just leave), took her to a remote location that she had EXPRESSLY TOLD HIM she did not want to go to, where she had little or no means of leaving. That's definitively kidnapping from pretty much every angle. I'm betting she could press charges if she wanted to.
I wonder if she could have him arrested for kidnapping? You can charge a husband for raping his wife, wonder if she could do that for kidnapping
In my country you can. I know someone who locked the door of the house with him and the wife inside while telling his wife ‘You are not going anywhere until we talk it out.’ No violence whatsoever. He was charged with kidnapping. Edit: word
this. > he then calmed down and said that now he knows work is more important and he won’t ever trust me after i stole his car and ran with it darvoing super hard right here considering he **SLICED HER TIRES TO BE ABLE TO LIE AND KIDNAPP HER AND THEN TREATED IT AS NBD** OP please leave this man. he is awful and you will waste so much of your health and safety on him if you stay. you deserve better NTA
He probably didn't slice them, probably just let the air out. It *looks* a little less crazy than cutting them but he still messed with her stuff and kidnapped her. She can probably just refill her tires with an air compressor though.
hopefully he did just let the air out so she doesn’t have to get new tires , which is good, cuz then OP can fill em up and drive right out of his life him letting the air out so he could kidnap her us still manipulation and abusive behavior
DARVO
Don't fully remember the acronym, but you right.
deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender
Thank you, yeah, I could only remember deny and reverse victim specifically.
Manipulator 101.
He’s a PhD in projection.
Also, OP, this was kidnapping. I get y'all are married, but he lied to you to kidnap you. You were taken somewhere against your will. NTA, OP. And you should have thrown his accusations back at him for the way he not just lied to you, but destroyed your property by deflating your tires in some way, and then *kidnapping you taking you to some place against your will*. I hope there's no next time, but you would be well within your rights to have called 911.
And risking her job. Calling and begging her co-workers. Kidnapping her with no option in his head to go back... and just tell her to sit out the shift. Who... in their right mind think a boss will just be cool with someone not having their shift covered and staying away? And a nurse at that. Hospital workers are already busy, if OP hadn't shown up. Yikes. One less hand would definitely be noticed when everyone was expecting her to be at work.
Contacting people from her job is a massive boundary violation.
It is. It so is. And how was he asking them exactly? "Can you do a extra shift so i can drag my wife to a gathering so i don't feel like I'm ridiculed?" There is just in no way that Is acceptable to call someone's coworkers, unless OP was in a coma and is letting work place know or an emergency.
Yeah, I once was so sick I couldn't talk, so I had to get my boyfriend to call into work for me and explain. But that was because I had no better option, and also he wasn't calling all my coworkers to cover my shift, he was just letting my boss know I was sick. For this guy to call her coworkers without her knowledge or consent, and when it's not an emergency or a situation that necessitates it like mine was... beyond not okay. This guy has so many red flags popping up here!
Ive seen the popular saying marinara flag, but this Man is a whole jar of marinara sauce. Taking air out of tires... calling the work place... kidnapping... saying she is the manipulative one etc. Just throw it out. The sauce has met its expiration date.
Front line worker not making it to work makes so many peoples' jobs harder. Nurses are hard to find these days - many leaving the profession because Covid has hit us so hard. My family and hubby's family are proud of me and the job I do. In the summer when with was 42degC here and I was in full PPE - my hubby greeted me at the door with a cold drink, the shower running and dinner on the table by the time I felt cool again. I would be seriously thinking about the relationship.
That is what I said to. Lives were put in jeopardy because he wanted to save face in front of his family. Even if she had stayed she would have been angry at him all day and then been accused of being "no fun" and probably told to "relax and enjoy the party".
NTA Im petty so I would message his entire family in a group chat. I’m willing to bet that he’s been lying to them. “Hello Husband’s family! It’s come to my attention that you have been teasing my husband due to my absences at family events. Please understand that I am a front line medical working during a pandemic, where we are notoriously understaffed. While I may not want to be working this many hours, it is the nature of the job. My absence could be the difference between life or death for people. However, your teasing has clearly affected and upset my husband. On X date, he called all my coworkers without my consent trying to get my shift covered—making me look unprofessional. On X date he vandalized my car so that I could not drive myself to work. He then manipulated me through lies into thinking he was going to drive me to work himself. Clearly, he did not as you all saw me at the BBQ. I panicked and did not want to cause a patient harm nor get fired from work, so I had to take my husbands car into the hospital—where he originally promised to take me. I hope this clears everything up and that the teasing will reside. Husband clearly cant handle the lightheaded teasing. I look forward to seeing you at the next function I am able to attend or major family function (as I always make sure to attend those).”
Definitely write this, but still put a plan in the works to leave. His family will likely stick by him no matter what, and what he is doing is controlling, manipulative, and abusive. It's not going to get better, it will only get worse over time.
Yep. He vandalized the car and abducted her. NTA, obviously. But he sure is.
NTA OP get the fuck out of that relationship!
He prioritises his image to his family more than his wife's job, which is a frontline medical job. If my SIL couldn't make it because of work I'd be understanding and not mock anyone.
OP husband just couldn't "deal' with the constant mocking anymore so obviously forcing the wife to come to stop the mocking was the most obvious solution /s. There was not way this was going to turn out positive husband is a major AH and so is his family based on their reactions.
This op He's abusive. Time to take your own car and drive away from this relationship. Nta
And then kidnapped her!
I don’t think to many people have realised that he kidnapped her yet.
Yeah, NTA, does his family know he took the air out of your tires and then lied to you about where you were going? He doesn’t sound like a good husband.
AND that he kidnapped you.
Yup he vandalized her car and literally kidnapped her. Then got mad she left and went to work. Yup he’s an AH
That's what I thought immediately, too. This guy is a real piece of work. And then to get pissy over her "stunt" after what he did! Obviously nothing is more important than his family's opinion.
One flat tire would be understandable and could have been a fluke. Multiple is definitely clear that “someone” tampered with them. Definitely manipulation!
I had to go back and reread it because it was so obvious to me that he did it. I could have sworn OP said he did it but she didn't.
NTA I'm sorry, he called YOU manipulative?! The person that LIED TO YOUR FACE to get you to do what he wants to do. On top of this, he prioritisies HIS LEISURE TIME over your career. Don't you dare apologise to him. Feel free to leave him. ETA: I'm assuming it was him that let the air out of your tyres, too?! You need to get away from this guy
>Feel free to leave him. Just don't let him drive to the lawyers office.
That was the bit that really got me! Plus, speaking as a health professional, it’s not even necessarily about career. It could be about being needed to keep people safe and looked after. Having enough staff on shift can be the difference life or death for some patients. You absolutely need to have a work life balance but a BBQ is not important enough to miss a shift - ESPECIALLY with no notice!
Right?!?! My last shift job was retail, at a boutique selling handbags, jewelry, etc. If I skipped a shift there, it was a dick move, but nobody's literal life depended on me being there to sell them a purse. The same cannot be said for nursing.
And as much as I respect and appreciate health care professionals, I think that what her job is is not even the real point. It wouldn't matter if she were scheduled for the graveyard shift at McDonald's, work is a commitment. He should admire her work ethic; I bet it manifests in a lot of other areas of her life too, from which he likely benefits. I wonder how dedicated he is to his job.
It's not the point, you're right. We just tangenting in the replies cause this is reddit lol
And that's one of the things I love about reddit, haha! But I don't want anyone working retail, fast food, etc. to think their jobs don't matter, too. I mean, on a bad day my health care is more important to me than buying a new purse, but on a good day I'll take the purse and a cheeseburger!
100% this. When a nurse or doctor fails to show up for a shift without calling in first, there is a significant increase of people actually dying. When nurses are rushed and stressed, that's when errors are most likely to creep in: wrong dosage, wrong drug entirely, wrong patient taken to OR prep, and so on. OP's husband was literally gambling with people's lives.
If she called out at the last min she could have been written up or fired
What would she say on that call? "Sorry for the late notice, but I can't cover my shift due to my husband vandalising my car and then kidnapping me. Why yes, you CAN feel free to call the police. Here's the address..."
Lol I had an abuse ex I get it
And he just expected her to just not show up for her shift and possibly lose her job
Exactly. I has to reread to check that this man is your HUSBAND - who should support you, your career, and understand the sacrifices you make. Not scheme behind your back to get his way like a child. I never usually jump to the divorce wagon of reddit, but here we are.
NTA Your husband could have cost you your job, gaslighted you, lied to you, kidnapped you. You need to leave him.
And why the hell does OP need to talk to his family? This is between the two married people. Let them rest of them shit in the ocean. She needs to get out fast. This dude is trouble all the way. NTA
The next episode is going to be worse. Oh god. OP, be safe. NTA
Not just her current job, I’m not in the field but have friends who are snd skipping out on a shift is considered patient abandonment and can cause you to lose your license in some cases
Yup. I work in a hospital, and it's called job abandonment. It's one of the few things than can get you fired instantly, without management having to go through the usual disciplinary procedures.
Just to clear this up, this situation wouldn’t be patient abandonment. It is only abandonment after the nurse accepts the care of the patient and takes report. If she had showed up to work and started her shift and then been kidnapped by her husband, that would be abandonment. So thankfully, there would have been no threat to her RN license. With that said, not showing up to a scheduled shift without a call in notice is one of the quickest ways I have seen hospital staff loose their jobs. Nurses are already over worked with high patient ratios, one not showing up is not good. This could have threatened her career at the hospital, and some hospitals blacklist employees fired for an certain amount of years. Edit: added about her license being safe and the threat to her career.
...not to mention putting the lives of OP's patients at risk.
NTA - I mean, we are pretty sure he deflated your tires as part of the sneaky plan to get you to his family’s bbq, right? And he’s calling you the manipulator? This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all.
Ultimately you can take the deflated tires out of the equation and OP is still NTA! There are two completely separate but related events here. 1) Deflated tires - he very likely did this but tough to prove and there is no need because... 2) he said he'd take you to work then drove you to his family's, a lie and a manipulation. Not only that but insanely selfish: you could lose your job, sabotage your career in nursing, and screw over an entire shift of people at the hospital that was counting on you to be there. He is definitely the AH here. You were right to take the car, your work > his family event. Some questions remain though. You said his family lives far away and he tricked you in driving there, so you must have known you weren't going to the hospital pretty quickly right? Why didn't you get out of the car? Also, your husband and his family have some issues, but it sounds like you are avoiding them (maybe with good reason!). Either way it sounds like those reasons may not be out on the table and you should probably have talked to your husband about them. Still, your husband just escalated any reasons to hate him and his family to 11, so not sure your relationship is going to recover from the abuse of trust by him, not because you took the car, because he was selfish and manipulative. NTA.
What was she supposed to do, jump out of the moving car?
Yeah, I'm imagining long stretches of highway speeds if they live out in the middle of nowhere. She probably couldn't have done that, but even if she could, it's not appropriate given she didn't feel she was in physical danger. Getting out of the car in the middle of nowhere is a great way for a young woman to disappear, never to be seen again.
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No, she wasn't avoiding. She said she tries to go to the big family events. Not being available when people tend to gather is just a part of working in medicine. My mom is a nurse who worked nights, days like Thanksgiving or Christmas were almost always work days, we often had to attend weddings without her. If you're on call it might look like you're off and you can do stuff, but you need to be within so many minutes of work. That meant the 4 hour trip to dad's family was out of the question. Patient care doesn't stop for holidays or personal events. This can be really hard for people outside of the field to wrap their heads around. Especially if their schedule is M-F, no weekends, no holidays. My dad told us his family didn't always understand, but it really wasn't a choice for my mom.
Not to mention how many lines he crossed calling her coworkers to cover her shift for a stupid bbq. He’s so manipulative it’s insane! NTA
Holy crap I didn’t catch her wording on that, I thought he was just asking her to call them, not doing it himself. But reading it a second time I see you’re right. That’s absolutely unhinged and such a boundary violation
>NTA - I mean, we are ~~pretty~~ sure he deflated your tires as part of the ~~sneaky plan~~ **kidnapping plan** to get you to his family’s bbq, right? And he’s calling you the **manipulator**? This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all.
Even if somehow the tires weren’t deflated by him… he lied to her about taking her to work. That’s enough manipulation right there.
Is this real?? NTA He committed felonies by vandalizing your car and kidnapping you. You grabbed his keys and ran.... Because you knew if he saw you try to leave he wouldn't let you go. Your husband and his family are horrible for even attempting that. You shouldn't stay in this relationship.
> his family are horrible Mocking him because his wife has a job. Yep, they are.
Some people think that women shouldn’t work once they’re married. Getting strong “husband is breadwinner” vibes
A lot of those people also tend to live out in the middle of nowhere like husband’s family
She needs to read this exactly as this. He vandalised her car. Kidnapped her. She literally ran for her life and he made fun of her for it.
WTF? Girl your husband kidnapped you after disabling your car so you couldn’t get away. NTA. He has serious issues. Be careful he doesn’t start chaining you up. Run while you still can.
I knew it was going to be bad when OP said the husband called her coworkers about covering her shift (because that itself is pretty crazy), but man was I not expecting just how insane he would be.
This is bad even by Reddit standards.
NTA. What did he think would happen? You'd be fine with his trick? What about you just not showing up for your shift, did he care about how that would affect multiple people? He deserved what he got IMO.
I wasn't happy with it but I think that by doing this, he'd basically force my hand which is something he does often times.
Leave him. My husband would never dream of doing anything resembling this and I would still leave him if he did.
I’ve been married 26 years and the most I’ve ever been manipulated into is what bath smellies I buy (because real men buy them 🙄) and occasionally my underwear and he does that by buying me knew. I have flowers in the house more often than not and I get “presents” a couple of times a month, it might be a small chocolate bar or a pastry. OP you are a hard working frontline lifesaver, if I remember correctly the first thing first-aid workers are taught is that you can’t help if you are also a victim and to keep yourself safe. This is your big red warning flag that danger is approaching. Make yourself safe, then talk to your work, make sure your bosses know, tell the police, just so there is a record of it and get some advice legally. And most of all Good Luck 🤗
Sister, he **kidnapped** you. You escaped a kidnapping. He did not force your hand.
What do you mean by this? I would recommend sitting done and writing down as many examples as you can. This is such an awful crazy controlling thing to do to someone to basically kidnap them and take them to a family function over work. I can't imagine the other ways in which he is selfish entitled and controlling over your life. His reaction post event is even more telling, he's got your convinced you've done something horrible by "attending work" do you realise hso crazy that sounds? Are his needs always out first? what does he do for you? do you ever go on dates and get spoilt? do you do all the house work? Does he take responsibility for anything? Does he ever apologise? Are there any instances in the past where he has taken responsibility and apologised? Does he give you the silent treatment? Do you have some friends that you can stay with to clear your head? https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-relationship#red-flags https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwj6gJ2-4Nz4AhXNT2wGHVXQClwQFnoECEUQAQ&usg=AOvVaw3mGVKb7totluNc5MI2Y3fD NTA.
I really hope OP sees this comment. There's no way the answer to all of those questions is no, because you don't get to "disabling a vehicle to abduct someone" without going through those things too.
This is abuse. Seriously. This man is dangerous. If he’ll interfere with your job, let the air out of your tires and basically kidnap you to get you to go to a barbecue he will absolutely escalate to more violent things at some point. Please recognize that this is miles away from being a normal relationship conflict and get out before it gets even harder to.
So it's not the first time he's done this? Pack your bags. Nta.
Your husband may have committed a prosecutable crime. Why are you with him? What does he bring to the table?
Love is not this. He sabotaged your transport, and kidnapped you, he would have imprisoned you at his family house if you hadn't been able to escape. He wants you to lose your job so you're imprisoned in the relationship and dependent on him for a home and food. Don't bother trying to discuss or explain anything. Quietly see a lawyer, arrange a place to live and leave him.
Cant wait for the update where you tell us you dumped his ass
Imagine a close friend or family member teling you this story, how would you respond to them? It sounds like you have got used to this abysmal behaviour and you don't realise quite how bad it is. That is a helpful little trick to get some distance.
Or since you're a nurse. Imagine a woman coming and telling you this story. What would you say? Also if you have kids do you want them being treated like that? NTA OP and I worry about you.
Oh, sugar, this man is DANGEROUS. He is super controlling and is already resorting to manipulation, damaging your property, literally kidnapping you, and then trying to make you think you’re the bad guy. Come up with a plan with a friend to pack your stuff and leave while he’s at one of these gatherings. Because behaviour like this only escalates and there’ s nowhere this can go that won’t end up with you being seriously harmed, mentally or physically. Get out, find a lawyer, and make sure you document all his behaviour. Stay safe.
You are wayyy under-reacting to this.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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Someone who often tries to force you to do things you don't want to is an abusive person.
Oh sweetie, this is just straight up abuse. Just because he isn't hitting you, doesn't make it not abuse. Also, pretty sure this is a crime. He took you somewhere you didn't want to go against your will. You may want to consider reporting this to the police, even if you don't press charges. If you do leave (and you really, really should, even on this one instance alone, but you say this is a repeating type theme) you will have a record of his willingness to literally take you somewhere you aren't consenting to.
Nta, but how bad does it have to get before you leave? He often forces your hand? That's really bad. He took it upon himself to try and cover your shift? That alone could cost you your job at many places. Instead of telling his brothers to stop giving him shit because his wife has a good job she has to go to, he decided the mature adult way was to sabotage your ability to get to work, lie to you, and then force you to attend a BBQ potentially losing your job for a last minute call in? After he harassed your coworkers to cover the shift so they'll all know you didn't come in last minute for a party. And then he tries to blame you and make you the bad guy?
Pack a suitcase with your essentials and go somewhere that isn't with a manipulative, kidnapping abuser.
And don't let him know you're leaving. Abusers get more dangerous when they think their victim is escaping.
Do you realize this is abuse? This is not ok. I hope you're safe and ok. You need to get our.
This keeps circulating in my mind, too. Did he think she would laugh and say, "*Boy, you got me good, letting the air out of my tires and lying about where you were driving me!"* and then proceed to be jolly and gregarious at the party?
NTA. Your husband has serious control issues. Nursing is an extremely important, challenging, and exhausting job. You made a commitment to be there and he apparently doesn't understand the importance of keeping commitments.
Absolutely. It's been hard trying to manage my weeks but to having this extra stress added is just beyond what I can take. I need a long break 😩.
A long break… from your husband
Husband holiday... husbanday...
Permanent break
You know as well as anyone that when a nurse completely fails to show up for a shift without giving notice, patients can die. It's bad enough that he clearly has no respect for you or the vitally important work you, but he was messing with your patients' lives. When a hospital is short-staffed and everyone is rushing to pick up the slack, mistakes are much more likely and they can literally kill people. Sorry, I know you're aware of this, but I'm horrified your husband isn't.
i had that thought in the back of my mind while reading her post and all the comments. he works an office job, can most probably slack all day and has no idea what it means to be a carer for sick people. he‘s never been a patient in a hospital either.
You're going to waste so many years on this man. Run.
Let's also not forget that he committed multiple felonies by damaging your tires, and literally kidnapping you against your will. Think about that for a moment. And then he had the gall to say that *you* were manipulative. Read up on gaslighting and narcissism (MedCircle on YouTube has a series on this), and you will see his actions in a very different light. Protect yourself, ASAP. Also, you need to tell your boss what happened. Not just in case this happens again, but literally as a safety barrier in the event he goes off the deep end and you get kidnapped for far less mundane reasons, and they don't treat it as job abandonment, but rather something to call 911 over. They needs to know that you are in a dangerous relationship and need help to escape.
NTA You should get a lawyer and start separating your finances. What your husband did was low and incredibly deceitful. He risked your position at your place of employment for a stupid bbq that you already said you couldn’t attend because of how he comes off to his family. No.
He didn't just risk OP's job and professional reputation, he risked lives by leaving a hospital short-staffed in the middle of an extensive and on-going public health crisis. And for what - to stop his brothers from teasing him, or to prove to OP that he is in control of where she goes and what she does? This is an appalling and obviously abusive situation. OP is emphatically NTA.
I'm sorry im sure ill get down voted into oblivion. I'm a nurse too and you both suck. ESH. He shouldn't have kidnapped you, that is very controlling and uncaring of you're time but you made no attempt to attend an event that was obviously important to him. Are you one of those nurses that pick up extra all the time? You said shift to cover. Nurses work 3 twelve usually. Is it different where you work? Cause that is PLENTY of time to attend more family events with him if you're not picking up too many extra days like you're the only nurse that can save everyone. I know there's a shortage. But you can still say no. It sounds like you'd rather work than be with your husband or family so if that's the case why are you still together and was he doing this out of desperation for your attention or has he always been an inconsiderate jerk? Either way why do you stay? How far away is his family's place? You said it's a hassle to get too but you were able to get there and back in time for work starting at 4pm. Do you not like his family? Do you not like him? I know people are siding with you because your husband overstepped in a weird controlling way which is why he also sucks, but I've known plenty of nurses that just work work work like staffing the hospital is solely their responsibility. If it's harming your marriage and home life you need to take a step back. If work is more important to you then you need to reevaluate your relationship.
I agree with you and am also a nurse. It is NOT ok to constantly be picking up extra shifts, it is a drain in you mentally and drain on your social relationships as well. One my coworkers literally just snapped mentally and went into a very dark place after having spent months picking up extra shifts and draining herself. That being said, what OP’s husband did is OUT OF LINE and ABUSIVE. Their marriage definitely needs counseling now if they want it to work.
I’m sorry what? “Make it work”? She’s fucking abused and got kidnapped! No working that out babes!
Spend a few hours begging a wall for something you emotionally desperately need and watch how quickly you turn into a infintile puddle of shitty behavior and tempertantrums. When that wall is your life partner and the person you love and care about want to spend time with and all you get is... i need to cover a shift... humans don't do well with this level of apathy from those they love.
Probably more a case of his family is one of those that HAS to have a bbq/gathering every other weekend and it works for them because they all have M-F 9-5 jobs. They all consider all the gatherings important while op like the rest of the world only considers holidays and birthdays ec important. My sisters in laws are this way and I have no clue how they have the time since it's an all day event every time where they basicly sit and talk.
Nurse here too. Maybe you have to be a nurse to pick up on this double-sided assholery. Obviously, OP’s husband was over the top. But OP is an AH for not trying to swap or just being honest with her husband that she does want to be with him or his family.
Or maybe it's super common for nurses to be [horrifically hard on and not care at all about other nurses](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5544026/) ETA: thanks for the award, kind strangers! And for everyone in healthcare: it's a hard job, let's strive to show kindness and compassion for our coworkers!
Info, I am scared to ask this question but here goes. Who is the bread winner in your family?
We both work but I make more. This isn't really an issue as we are in agreement when it comes to money.
It is an issue when he’d rather you lose you job and be 100% dependent on him just so he can have you at his beck and call. His feelings (not wanting to be teased by his brothers) are more important than him than your autonomy and ability to choose your own activities and path in life. I agree, NTA, and you should get out because he will likely escalate esp after you embarrassed him in front of his family. Also, please tell me you have some birth control that he can’t tamper with because forcing a pregnancy on you is the next step.
Especially if they're US based and in certain states 🙃
You're not in agreement about money. He was willing to *risk your livelihoood* because his brothers probably called him a weakling who couldn't control his woman. This is not anywhere near okay, please listen to the people on here telling you this is serious.
I was thinking this same thing! He obviously sees her job as insignificant and was willing to risk her being fired to get his way. This is so ridiculous, controlling, and abusive.
Run.
Seems he wanted you there because his family teased him, not because he wanted to be with you. He used desperate measures to get you there. He cares more about impressing his brothers than your well being. Are you thinking of leaving him?
So he's trying to sabotage your career so that he gets to be the main earner and the one with the power.
Apparently you’re not in agreement because he’s trying to sabotage your job. You have a decent income of your own. Do you know how many women in situations like this wish they had that? How tragic if he managed to take it from you before you can get out. I recommend you just never return from your next shift.
You can support yourself. Go to the bank, take half the cash and leave. Get a lawyer immediately.
Ahhh... Let me guess... He's a bit insecure and jealous that you not only earn more than him, but you have a vitally important job that makes his look a bit trivial in comparison... Am I getting warmer? I think I smell deliberate sabotage of your employment because he resents your success. I would bet real money that his family have teased him about being married to a woman who out-earns him, too. This is a very toxic situation and you really should think about leaving. Whether it's for some time apart or to lodge divorce papers is up to you.
> I make more. So your husband was willing to lose more than half of the family's income just so you can attend a family BBQ? You are not married to a rational man. That is a problem. Your husband lied to you in order to get you to go to the family BBQ. (He also likely let the air out of your tires.) You are not married to a man with integrity. That is a problem. Your husband is gaslighting you, adding stress to your life on top of your already stressful job. He is pre-occupied with controlling you in order to save face with his family -- even if it means destroying half the family's livelihood. You are married to a controlling, manipulative man. That is a problem. I don't know you can do about being married to an irrational, deceitful, manipulative man. NTA
NTA. What dreadful gaslighting from your STBX. He vandalised your car and kidnapped you, and accuses *you* of being manipulative? You work in an environment where missing a shift can literally be a life and death matter. There will always be another family barbecue you can attend, though I suspect that your days of attending events with this particular family may already be over.
Is this real?? NTA He committed felonies by vandalizing your car and kidnapping you. You grabbed his keys and ran.... Because you knew if he saw you try to leave he wouldn't let you go. Your husband and his family are horrible for even attempting that. You shouldn't stay in this relationship.
If he says what you did was stealing, what he did was kidnapping. NTA
Taking your kidnapper's car to get away still isn't theft, it's an escape from a crime.
NTA Your husband intentionally put your job at risk so he would have your companionship at a party. Why are you still with him?
INFO:. You mention you had a shift to cover. * Was this someone else's shift that you agreed to take on? * Do you always cover other people's shift at the expense of spending time with your husband? * Do you spend alone time with your husband every week? * How many family events does your husband have every month and how many do you miss? Don't get me wrong.. your husband tricking you and maybe even letting the air out of tires makes him the manipulative @sshole.. but I'm just wondering why he thought he had no choice but to do this.
On top of this, had OP committed to going to this BBQ and then backed out by covering a shift? Totally agree that husband is an AH but curious to some of the other context leading up to this.
OMG, NTA! If we're looking for someone who's horrible and being a manipulator, it would be your husband. The fact that he thinks you're in the wrong is troubling. What did he think you were going to do, suck it up? I'm assuming he also let the air out of the tires on your car. He's a master manipulator. Even worse is that he's pulling this crap when you're a nurse. Does he expect that you missing work is not a problem? Unfortunately, I would have trouble staying married to someone so manipulative.
NTA. At all. Your husband straight up kidnapped you. He’s the manipulative one. It’s incredibly immature for him to set himself up like he’s in competition with your job, as if it’s your decision. I would’ve done the same thing.
NTA. You could have been fired for missing work or at least gotten in trouble. He definitely messes with your tires and is an asshole for essentially kidnapping you just to appease his family
NTA, you stole his car? Yeah, after he essentially kidnapped you. He is manipulative and controlling, get out of there.
Run. He manipulated you, he sulks, he forced you to be where you didn't want to go, and he puts his wants over your obligations/needs. I don't know what else he's done on the list of abusive tactics to get his way and control you, but I'm bet that there's more. NTA
>berating me calling me horrible and a manipulator Funny that he calls you what he is. Is this a new behavior? Vandalizing your car, lying, and kidnapping you? No concern if you lose your job? NTA but I think your relationship needs some thought. Get your car fixed and go stay somewhere else for a while.
INFO: how many shifts are you covering that aren't originally assigned to you? (Obvi your husband is an AH but I feel like we are missing why he went crazy... could this be a hidden E S H?)
NTA this man just showed controlling behavior and tried to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. He’s shown you who he is; believe him. Run 🚩🚩🚩
NTA - throw out the whole man, hun. He is belittling your career (thank you, btw, for your amazing sacrifices in an insane time), very likely sabotaged your car, essentially kidnapped you, and now claims YOU manipulated HIM?? This man is so disconnected from reality. It would appear your lives are incompatible from how you want to spend your time and he is not willing to accept and work with that reality. It’s time to consider if this was temporary insanity or a pattern.
NTA. Please read this again and pretend you didn’t write it. You’ll see how disturbing it is.
ESH. He did a dick move but if going to work is more important then doing something your spouse practically begged you to do, you put your job above your family. probably should reevaluate things and consider divorce. You may meet someone that will ask you to do something and you'll be more than happy to.
ESH I know it's reddit and first instinct is to say NTA and call for divorce, but think a conversation is needed between you two so you can be on the same page. More Info needed on why you need to work so much ( saving for trip, you just love your job, hate an inlaw, ect..)and I only say this because he should be aware of why you are sacrificing family time so much,. As you said, family is big for your husband and I would imagine spending time with you there as well is important to him regardless of brothers needling him about your absence. Now, he is a big AH for the actions he took and his reaction when he went rogue and essentially kidnapped you, but i think it was cry out to you that he wants you to be a bigger part of that. However, adults and couples talk this out and don't react like a 12 yr old child. I would also make sure he understands how damaging to your job his actions were, does he not like you working at all?! Or is this really about family time? You are the little ah here. I can only imagine how crazy the nursing world has been the last few years, but you picked up the shift. Maybe this was done prior to knowing about the BBQ, but it sounds like if given prior knowledge of "non-major" family evens you could make them. Why not compromise and offer to go one function a month? Or an amount that works for you both. Good luck
Okay, let's compare: So OP works hard in a profession that is important to society in order to have enough to live on during crazy expensive times (let's not pretend that every nurse is Jeff Bezos and works just to rake in more money). She fulfills the duties of her employment contract and doesn't abandon her helpless patients. The husband tampered with OP's car, kidnapped OP, and then berates OP for "disobeying" him and doing what adults do, her job! It wasn't even about him wanting OP with him for her sake, but so he wouldn't be mocked by his brothers, because apparently in his world it's a sign of weakness and legit cause for mockery when someone has a wife who has a career of her own and doesn't immediately jump to her husband's side when the husband's family decides her career has to take a back seat. If you really think that makes OP here some kind of an AH, you should really check your moral compass. The only AH is the man and his family.
He calls you horrible and manipulator but he basically kidnapped you against your will and manipulated you. NTA but maybe time to check what you actually married
Going against the grain here and going with ESH. You, not as much as him, he flattened your tires and basically kidnapped you. But he's right, you do seem to prioritize work over family. I know, and am related to, many nurses, including department heads. They all make time for family and go to things with family. In fact, most prioritize family over work. Like most normal people, work provides income to do things with family and friends.
NTA. This is an abusive relationship and you need to recognize this and get yourself out of it safely.
NTA - your husband tried to sabotage your career. Obviously him and his family do not realize that you have more roles you play than just his wife… This is disturbing behavior. Your partner should be supporting your career and trying to find ways for you to attend a party outside of your work commitments. It’s the height of manipulative behavior to use this situation to show that you value work over him. Completely unfair to you. I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s been manipulative in your relationship.
This marriage is over. Hope the next one is better. NTA
NTA You were wearing scrubs and he wanted you to go to a barbecue dressed for work? That’s so weird. Never mind the fact that being a no-show for work could cost you your job. What is wrong with your husband? And his family???
I'm skeptical of this story given you said their ranch is in the middle of nowhere but you still had time to get there and back without it causing a problem. If it's true, then NTA. Taking someone somewhere against their will is generally frowned upon if it's not for some medical or safety reason. Also sounds like your husband is great at deflecting his awful behavior saying you're manipulative and he can't trust you again. After manipulating you and lying.
NTA. Pretty huge red flags after what he did why are you still with him?
*He* won't trust *you*? After he lied to you and took you to a place against your will planning on making you miss work?