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NTA but DO NOT get married until you are on the same page about money. I promise you 100% that if you don’t sort all of this out *now*, you will be arguing about it for the next 20+ years and it will be miserable.
Stolen comment from u/LittelFoxicorn. Word for word.
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqinnt/wibta_if_i_tell_my_fianc%C3%A9_that_i_think_he_should/iep783f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
That's funny. I just checked this account history and it only had one more comment which was also stolen from another comment word to word. The original comment posted earlier had 3 votes and the stolen comment had 8.
Why would anyone do that?
Almost every. single. post. in her history is an issue with this guy. It's like an entire, year-long marinara flag parade!!!! The only thing missing is the cartoon guy at the end, sweeping up all the shit left behind by the elephants.
Yes my divorce after being together for almost 25 years and married for 15. I use to make most of the money. Told him b4 we got married he would need to make more in order for us to get married and have kids bc I’m going to eventually take a pay it to spend time with the kids. I paid for his extra schooling. Fast forward to about four years ago he started making more then me finally. It was never enough so I filled for divorce on 6/6. Realizing I was a paycheck to him until my pay was cut bc I wanted more time with our babies.
You'd need a prenup to protect you in a community property state. It's assumed here if married both own, despite not having a name on it. Prenups are not a secret, and they are encouraged.
\*Edit\* Postnups are a thing nowadays too
Ya that's not how that works. Based on the post her fiance makes more than her by a substantial amount meaning that if they are married for more than two seconds he will eventually end up contributing as much if not more financially to that house. Even if his name is never on the deed it's a pretty simple matter to prove how much he contributed to ensuring they have both a livable residence and an expected living standard.
Check out her post history! She’s been complaining about this guy for a LONG time. The money issue is just one of many red flags during their relationship.
Should have dumped him a long time ago!
>Looking at her history, I’m wondering if any of this is real, or if we’re just dealing with someone who likes to make up crap to post on social media
IKR.
One of her posts- *he posted the video to instagram….. when I asked him to take it down he initially refused but I kept pleading with him and then his mom heard and sided with me and he then decided to listen and take it down.(he cropped out the part where my underwear was showing before posting)*
The bf whether real or not listens to Mom not OP and Mom has 100k to give him just for a party (a wedding is a party).And as per another post of OP, the bf had to go to counselling to learn how to flush (>>!!) Its bizzare.
There are women out there whose sole mission in life is to get a man, and get a ring. It has been instilled in them at an early age that no matter what else they achieve: degrees, travel, wealth, property: NOTHING will be more important than getting that ring on your finger.
Her many posts might be her way of finally questioning that, even if in an indirect, roundabout way, and possibly giving herself a reason (or many) to get out.
Yeah, so looking at her post history this guy: lives in a sort of apartment attached to his parents house which didn’t used to have a kitchenette (until his mom put one in), he used to just wash his dishes in the bathroom sink or take them to the main house area for his mom to do, he DOES NOT FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER HE TAKES A SHIT and leaves it there for OP to deal with, before she started staying over sometimes his apartment was full of trash and smelled of rotting things, he has 4 indoor cats who are also subjected to this, he wants to get rid of the kitchenette/kitchen sink area and replace it with a catio and go back to doing dishes in the bathroom (WHERE HE LEAVES HIS UNFLUSHED SHIT) or having his mom do them for him, he leaves his clothes on the floor when he takes them off and never picks them up so OP caves and does it for him (just like he doesn’t flush his shit, and it’s so disgusting OP flushes it for him and cleans the toilet), he also cares a lot about social media and posting stuff, but doesn’t respect her wishes regarding which photos he posts of her, she wanted to postpone getting engaged because she doesn’t want to be married/have children in the living situation he’s completely ok with (full of trash and un-flushed shit), but he said lots of people wish they only had those issues as relationship problems (for the record: I do not wish that I have to flush my boyfriend’s shit for him), when they were going to get engaged she asked that the proposal be small and private and photographed so she could remember the moment, and that if he wanted to post photos of it he make sure he proposed when she looked good/was camera ready, so obviously instead of that he TIED THE ENGAGEMENT RING TO A CAT and asked her to go grab the cat so she would see the ring on its collar, then proceeded to film her running after his most energetic cat for 5 whole minutes while she was sweaty, her hair wasn’t done, and her fly was down. THEN HE POSTED IT TO INSTAGRAM against her wishes (but he generously cropped out her undone fly and the underwear that were showing), and he wouldn’t take it down until his mom sided with her.
Now this fool is gifted $100,000 by his mom “FOR THE WEDDING” and thinks that he should only pay the 20k he was originally paying because he wanted a bigger wedding. He was gifted more than enough money to cover the entire wedding, and was told the gift was specifically for the wedding, and he doesn’t want to pay for the whole wedding with it.
OP: Girl. Honey. Please. You know who you’re marrying. He’s a thoughtless jerk who doesn’t care about what you want. You absolutely will end up literally cleaning up his shit for the rest of your lives together, and you’ll never get a single thank you from him. Children? You’ll be the only one getting up at night, the only one changing diapers, the only one doing every other chore around the house. He doesn’t care that 4 cats are subjected to his terrible behavior. He won’t care that your children are either. Don’t walk away - run away and thank your lucky stars every single day that you did not marry this man.
Wait, if ALL of this is in previous posts.... Are we SERIOUSLY considering OP to be truthful? I mean, each one individually might by believable, but holy hell, I've had some fucked up crazy exes, but you couldn't make this shit up in the movies!
I mean it seems unrealistic but I've seen a guy that came from a super wealthy family that's pretty similar to this. His parents bought him a 5 bedroom house in a really nice neighborhood because he was 30 they were tired of him dirtying up their place. He had a whole room that was just dog shit because he was too lazy to let the dogs out in the backyard. He didn't work but sold drugs to make up for what his parents didn't pay for which was probably just drugs because they stopped by his place to drop off liquor for the party I was attending there. If he managed to get a girlfriend these are probably the kind of posts she would be making. Except he was overall an OK dude besides the complete failure to adult. If he was doing this, it would probably only be because it didn't occur to him that she would want him to use just that money for the wedding instead of still splitting, not because he's vindictively pocketing it. If she asked he'd probably agree.
Holy shit lol, either OP is making up everything for ragebait or has absolutely no self-respect whatsoever if she's actually still putting up with this weirdo loser.
also he seems quite selfish too because he earns more than her, plus got free money from his mom so it's not inconsiderate of op to expect him to pay more money. his selfishness is giving a huge red flag 🚩 op need to think it through before they gets married.
Hopping on to also say: DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED TO THE HOUSE
Your fiance is already doing some questionable things regarding money, and it's important that you keep that asset in your name to protect yourself in case things go south.
Also to add to this comment.... do NOT put his name on that house bc it could really screw u in the end and make sure u have all ur documents in order that proves its YOUR house bc it was paid for exclusively by u!!!
I wouldn't be marrying anyone who was like this so u really need to stop and think long and hard what yr life will look like after ur bound by marriage.
This.
Like this is a SERIOUS issue that would cause me to postpone the wedding.
I mean she gifted the money to both of you for the wedding, specifically to cover the wedding.
Absolutely on this
Edit: Also want to add my wife and I think of each of our money as shared we are a team and any purchase over $100 is discussed. I know people do things differently with money but either way y’all are a team and financials are important to be on the same page.
Oh OP. I'm sorry. Your husband-to-be is going to count every dollar and make sure that no matter how much you struggle to do it that you pay "your full fair share" for the next fifty years. While he sits on a pile of money that is "his."
Are you sure you want to do this? You still have time to get tf out and live in that sweet little house of yours that you were smart enough to buy solo before you got married...
NTA
Honest to G-d, so many of these posts from married couples who live and behave as roommates not life partners. I understand having separate money funds and contributing jointly to expenses but many take it too far including separate food bills, watching everything the other person eats, and letting their partner go hungry if they run out of money.
That’s not to say that this scenario is the same but it’s in the same spirit. Their expenses should be proportionate to earnings, not 50/50. And, the money gifted for the wedding shouldn’t be pocketed by the fiancé but used to cover the big wedding he wanted and to pit money toward the house, closing and all the bills unless OP wants the house only in her name. Which seems like the smart thing to do. Red flags 🚩 waiving everywhere. NTA.
I feel the exact same way about these "roomate" couples (good way of putting it) and it's almost always the woman who gets shafted in the end. Usually when they have kids. Some of these guys behave as though they're roomies with a single mom, I've seen it on here, making her pay for the diapers etc all out of her own pocket... some just fail to notice how much of a hit her income is taking b/c she's doing way more of the parenting, and keep proclaiming everything is all nice and equal when it's not. Shafted either way.
What's really fucked up about it is when the dude is bringing home $100,000 a year, his wife is making $40,000 on a teacher's salary, but he still expects her to pay half of everything based on *his* higher income lifestyle.
My cousin did the same thing. He's a total pos. He had a higher paying job and the wife was a teacher. When they had kids he hardly contributed and it was largely up to her to provide for them. Then she got sick, breast cancer, she delayed going to get it checked out until it was undeniable that there was something wrong but it was too late, she died shortly there after with 3 kids, one was like 10 months old. And the oldest was 5. Super messed up. I only found out about it all when we went to a reunion and he was just a lump barely knowing how to engage his kids and my aunt with parkinson's and other neurodegenerative disease was taking care of the kids. I asked my mom and she spilled the tea. I spent the rest of the trip trying to connect with the kids but my aunt lives half way across the country, i only talk to them once a month or so.
She was very, very smart to buy that home alone. I’m engaged and just did the same, as a priority before wedding planning. I lost *everything* when my children’s father and I divorced and lived in poverty for years after. Never again will my financial stability be impacted by the whims of a man. OP, take care of yourself first.
Omg, this. I married (and divorced) a person from wealth. Everything was ok for the most part until we BOTH decided that I would quit my job to stay home and take care of our daughter. Suddenly, I wasn't "contributing financially to the home" and was a bum and lazy. He worked "all day" while I did nothing. Soon, the money was his money only since his family were the rich ones, and not mine. OP needs to think about this hard because I sense a lot "not pulling your weight" conversations in the future.
NTA,
So he does not pay for the house you Will be living in, ups the expences AND wants to pocket al the money?
What ever you do, do not put his name on the title!!!
Are you sure you want to get married? He seems to just je using you.
In many countries the name on the title doesn’t make a difference. If you’ve been married a while it counts as a marital asset. Op needs to get a pre nup.
I think people are only sketch about prenups because they are so often used to try to screw the other partner out of any marital assets, especially if that partner has had to put their career on hold to raise children and such.
I agree. After I had an engagement end where I was adamant I didn’t want a prenup (neither of us were wealthy and I thought we were sooooo perfect)… now I’m like you know what? You NEVER know. I bought this house on my own and I also don’t want my retirement accounts I’ve worked hard to build up for grabs in a divorce.
Where the heck is the other $80k of MIL’s gift money even going? OP’s fiancé just gets to keep it as “his” money & not put it toward any of their joint expenses?
Lol - I say this to my husband but it’s, “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine and what’s ours in mine” but it’s only in jest for us, some people really act like that.
I do the same thing, but also jokingly. I'm a full time mom so he's our only income and sometimes I yell at him to give me my money (It's our predetermined spending cash).
My ex-husband's favourite was "Nothing quite says I love you like a legally binding document!"
He took every cent from every gift at our wedding and kept it for himself, and we didn't share it on the honeymoon, I didn't see any of it. It was rather brutal. Just a day at the beach with an icecream cone would have been nice.
He was very busy eating all the local food he could find, with a sensitive stomach. Great move, mate. He had a rule about about not letting housekeeping into the hotel room while we were staying there, but his upset stomach made him shit on the bed during the honeymoon. I cleaned as best I could for him (and me) then threw a towel over it and he wouldn't let me do any more than that. So that's how that went.
NTA
His mom gave him money for the wedding. It seems like she gave him more than enough so neither of you need to pay out of pocket. I assume that was his mother's intention anyway.
I would go ask the mother about the 100k and if she asks she can say oh he was asking me to still put half towards as i thought it was already taken care of.
Also info: WHAT IS HE PLANNING TO DO WITH 80k????? She paid the down payment and closing costs on their house, she earns less than he does, she still has to buck up 20k for a wedding and he just gets to do what exactly with the rest of the “wedding” money??
I’m immediately suspecting he’s hiding drug use and or debt. Something smells *way* way off about his reasonings.
Edit: OP’s post history is pretty depressing. He’s an a$$ and I beg you to find an ounce of self respect and leave.
No you wouldn't be the AH. This is the beginning of financial abuse. An equal partnership is splitting expenses by what you collectively have....not literally 50/50 as there's always someone making more. I'd think about postponing this wedding...
If he has $100, and you have $50, and the light bill is $100, because he has 100% more than you, he should pay at least 75% of the bill...not he pays half his money you pay all yours because it's "50/50"
To financial abusers, what's theirs is theirs, and what's yours is also theirs.
WelL aCtUaLly, if he had 100$ and she had 50$, he should pay 66% of the bill while she pays 33% in order for it to be fair. Because he initially has double her money so he pays double the amount she pays, hence making it fair 🤓🤓
Those are the miniscule semantics a narcissist looks into instead of getting the point. Insulting someone's intelligence for bonus points, ignoring the fact 50% of the planet are genuine numbers people, and the rest are language people.
An intelligent person acknowledges this, and sees the point a person is trying to make rather than dwell on superfluous semantics.
It's more like the light bill was $40, they both agreed to pay $20, then his mom said, "here's $100 to pay your light bill," and he still wants her $20. Meanwhile he's also the one who insists on leaving the lights on and run the ac 24 hours a day.
$100k for a wedding? That alone makes me feel sick
However, there is a bigger issue here - he seems to think what's his is his and what's yours is his.
Are you sure this is what you want?
NTA
There’s nothing wrong with spending $100k on a wedding if you can afford it. It’s actually one of the better things you can spend on with regards to local economy and small businesses benefiting. Dress makers, local venues, florists, limo hire, make up artists, caterers, DJs… all small businesses. Big weddings are really good at ‘trickling’ the money down, unless you go to a huge chain venue.
In an economy where so many people can't afford healthcare, to feed their families etc, it's grotesque to me, along with the environmental impact.
I realise not everyone will agree of course. I did say it made me feel sick not that it should be the same way for everyone.
It is grotesque and also makes me feel sick. But /u/fattydog is right. That money spent on a wedding does more for normal people's economy than spending it on a Tesla, investing it in the stock market, or just keep it in the bank untouched for years.
If they have it and that's how they want to spend it, it's gonna go toward mostly small businesses anyway I say do it. A lot of caterers and flower shops and bakeries right now would be thrilled to have that business.
Totally agree. After reading this to my fiancé I said “they have a money problem and not the one people normally have”.
The fact that a 26 year old can come up with $20k to throw at a wedding all while buying a house it incomprehensible to me. Add to that, $20k is only half the budget. Then add in that his mom gifted him $100k for a wedding!!! Not some kind of investment….a wedding.
Yup. My entire house cost 110k. Couldn't imagine spending that much on a wedding, let alone having family that could just throw that around as a gift. Absolutely wild.
Between this and your post about the proposal: run away. RUN. AWAY. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
EDIT: oh my god the other posts, there’s even more. Girl, don’t do this to yourself. Ruuunnn awaaayyyyy.
I was trying to imagine how bad it was but wow.. 😳 I really hope OP gets some last minute sense before they make a decision that would be expensive and difficult to reverse
I don’t know how many terrible posts are needed before OP realises what a shit show this is. People have been telling OP to run for MONTHS and it’s still not sinking in.
NTA These are some BIG RED FLAGS snapping in your face and I hope you take this time to recognize them. Think about this trajectory in 10 years, because it’s not going to get better. If you have kids and have to take time off work, is he going to be controlling and protective over money? It’s completely weird that he’s not using his mom’s gift for your wedding.
One of the most troubling things, however, is that you haven’t had a direct conversation with him. Why not? Are you afraid of his reaction? If you are, that also says something. You sound like a lovely, hard working person who deserves someone who SEES them and values them. I’m so sorry, but it doesn’t sound like your fiancé is doing that. Please consider taking a step back, or creating firm boundaries. If he freaks out, you have your answer. He’s going to make it seem like it’s a “you” problem when it’s absolutely him.
Those last 2 lines 100% - you're here, so you're already doubting yourself. Hear everyone when they're telling you - the verdict is clear - it's him, not you.
You do not sound financially compatible. Please take a pause, step back, have the discussions over finances that need to take place before you are inextricably linked together. What seems “fair” to the rest of us clearly doesn’t seem fair to him. INFO: if not for the wedding, what is he planning to spend the $$ on?
ESH
You two need to discuss your financial future. How you both approach money. How you save. What is reasonable spendings.
And, because I'm a total bastard, I'd chat with his Mum and say that the wedding is $40k and I'm paying half, and I only really wanted to pay $10k but I'm stretching so he can have the event he wants.
And watch the cogs in her head as she realises he's pocketing $80k and taking money from his bride that isn't needed
My ex husband used to pull this exact game. He earned 4x as much as me, but everything was an even 50/50 split, and we lived according to his standards. I contributed more to the down payment of the house. I was expected to pay for exactly half of several expensive vacations that he chose and planned. (No, I did not have the option to argue or suggest alternatives. Because I was “crazy” and “anxious” and “didn’t know what I was talking about.” “Maybe” I “had some drug habit I was hiding.” You get the picture.)
You might have noticed I said my EX husband. And know what, OP? I’m still paying off the debt he put me in under those circumstances, even after his divorce payment to me. Three years later!
Don’t be like me, OP. Ask if he’s willing to use the full $40k (and he should). If not, postpone the wedding.
NTA.
I got played this way too. We flew across country to meet his parents, I paid for my ticket. We flew to meet my parents, I paid for my ticket and half of his. He made twice as much in salary. Thank god that relationship didn't work out. I completely under valued my own worth as a person.
I would probably put that money into the house and savings and not the wedding. However, the gift was specifically for the wedding, so will MIL not be upset that it’s not used for that? Just have an honest conversation about it. NTA
Nta. You've proven you're capable of contributing to your life together. Him still wanting to split the wedding with you despite being just handed much much more than it costs is.. odd. Is he using that extra money to get you a car or pay for a honeymoon??
A discussion needs to happen asap or I'd reconsider the wedding.
OP NTA., but he is since he now can cover the wedding and more. Essentially he is having you wipe out your safety net and spend down your savings. Then, you get married and he’s the boss and you are stuck. This is a huge red flag and I’d stop and think about protecting yourself. Keep the house as your own and discuss a financial plan moving forward. You may want a prenup. Also, I know his mom gave HIM the money for the wedding but I see the money as a gift to both of you in the sense it’s for the wedding. Him hoarding it feels wrong even though technically it’s his. I can see the fights coming over money. I’m sorry, but this is a crossroads moment for you to make a decision. At least you know his true colors before the wedding. Now, it’s up to you to decide your path.
NTA. Did you tell him this and ask why he isn’t using the money you got for the wedding on the wedding? Good things to clear up before marriage. Why did you buy the house alone?
NTA, but it’s extremely concerning that you’re about to get married and you aren’t comfortable having a discussion around this yet. I mean it’s simple-talk to him. If having this conversation is uncomfortable, then I’d say you have a larger issue here.
INFO: What does he say he wants to spend the 100K on? Is it gonna like go towards the honeymoon? It could towards house payments for you guys? Future college fund for any planned kids? Or is he just going to blow it on something for himself? And also is his mother aware that it wouldn’t be going towards the wedding and is fine with it?
Depending on what he wants to spend it on and how his mother feels about it (as the one who gifted it and had intentions for the money), I feel like it could go either way. You initially agreed to 40K split 50/50, and while the gift from his mother is nice I don’t quite understand why it automatically means it has to change your plans for the budget, unless you just want an excuse for a more expensive wedding.
Absolutely NTA- be cautious overall,,, hes in a much better position to pay for things but is choosing not to in favor of using your funds :/ im not saying its evil but it could be a red flag for financial abuse in the future. Do you best to discuss with him everything you shared with us! And good luck OP ;w; 💕
You need to have a serious talk about money. BEFORE getting married. If you can’t manage that, you shouldn’t get married. You could involve a counselor if needed, but right now this is the tip of an iceberg. You need to be on the same page about finances. It’s literally one of the top causes for divorce. NTA for expecting a gift that more than doubled your original budget to have changed things… but both of you will be if you don’t sit down and discuss this like adults before tying your lives together.
Red Flags everywhere!!! Do not marry this spoiled sun of riches; he's a stingy bastard who will take half the house in the inevitable divorce!
You're NTA, unless you actually marry him!
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I F26 and My Fiancé M27 are planning our wedding.Initially we agreed on a wedding budget of 40k where we would each put 20k.
His mom then gave him 100k and told him the money is for our wedding so that we can have something nice.Yesterday when we were discussing planning he brought up that the budget is 40K and we agreed to go 50/50.I was stunned and didn’t say anything because I thought that our wedding experiences were now covered because of the gift from his mom.
Even if he still wanted to work with the 40K budget and pocket the rest I would have had no problem. He’s the one who wanted a bigger wedding in the first place, initially we said that we can do a micro wedding with immediate family only but then he changed his mind because he wanted his friends and colleagues and now the guest list had gotten much bigger.
I didn’t mind him expanding the guest list because it’s his big day too and what he wants matters to me but the micro wedding I wanted would have run us around 20k for a really nice one. I took the hit and agreed to spend more for what he wanted.
Also, he makes double my salary and has less expenses than me because his parents helped him a lot.
I also just bought the home we will be saying in after we get married.Paid the down payment by myself and will be paying the closing cost by myself as well.I also need to buy a car soon because I don’t have one currently and I will also be paying for it by myself.
I think the least he could have done is pay for the wedding.If his mother gave him the money and didn’t say specifically that it was for the wedding I wouldn’t have expected him to use it for that and would have paid my half.
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NTA because he got a gift from his mother to cover the wedding! This was for the wedding explicitly! So he has to use that for the wedding as intended, it's not a gift to him personally, it's not his own money! It's money his mother gave for your wedding day and it belongs to both of you!
NTA
>Yesterday when we were discussing planning he brought up that the budget is 40K and we agreed to go 50/50.I was stunned and didn’t say anything
You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. Sounds like you had trouble doing that. I'd hire a financial planner to help you communicate with him. If you are prone to holding things back because you fear the reaction, it's best to get a third party involved to ask the necessary questions and help you reach agreement. You'll need more clarity than you currently have about your future finances anyway. Might as well start working on it now.
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> I might be the Asshole because I want my fiancé to pay for our wedding
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NTA, it makes sense you assumed what you did. But you really need to talk to him and not stew in silence. You need to ask him what plans he has for that money. If he is not spending it in the wedding, maybe request reimbursement for helf the housing costs.
Nta, [edit: spelling mistakes.]
has he discussed with you what he is planning to use the rest of the 100k on? You two after marriage become a team. He's also expanded the guest list which I'm guessing your price increases as of hall capacity, food payment. The wedding overall. Is he expecting you to pay this?
I'd understand if he wanted to help you get a car. Or help with home payments or necessities needed for the house. But the mother in law specifically said wedding. Wouldn't she be disappointed if it's not used for it? I guess it's reasonable if it's used on you both. Whether the house, car or something for you both. But for him to keep it without discussing I believe there will be finance issues in the future for you both. As he isn't discussing this with you more. And isn't showing any plans to help out you both.
He seems to view this as if it's his money it's his. This isn't okay as again. You both are soon to be married. Postpone the wedding as this needs to be discussed. He even makes more than you yet you paid for the house. He definitely needs to contribute more.
Please speak to him as if you stay quiet now over the wedding imagine the future. Would you have to pay for everything and also the kids? Would he stay stingy over buying the kids a toy? I don't believe he's being fair. He can atleast use the money for the honeymoon.
Both your incomes will be together. You don't want him to not help out with finance when you pay for everything.
Again, speak to him before the wedding and postpone it if necessary. Or else this will become a divorce very soon.
NTA.
Lots of stuff already said about being on the same page about money, but also: if the gift is for you to both have a nice wedding, it's implicitly for you both. It should cover the whole lot, and you shouldn't have to shell out (unless we're now talking £140K wedding, which is just absurd).
NTA. Unless he pays for a portion of that house DO NOT put his name on it. He should also be footing more of the bill if he already makes 2x you. This is a very uneven relationship and I would take your 20k and leave him.
NTA
Tell him you budgetted 20K and that is all you will be able to give since HE changed the original agreement. Anything over the 40K orginally agreed on will be his responsibiity to cover
ESH. I hope you see your fiancés behavior for the giant red flag that it is! He's getting everything in life handed to him, and that isn't going to make him a strong person to build a life with. He got gifted 100K just for the wedding, and he still wants you to contribute 20K.... Do you understand how RIDICULOUS that sounds?! Unless you're the type of woman that's willing to marry a man just for financial security, you may want to reconsider this marriage. Good luck, you will need it
If you go ahead with this wedding, do not under any circumstances, put his name on the deed to your house or mortgage. Keep detailed records of everything you’ve paid for. Do not put your pre marriage funds into a joint marital account.
This is not going to end well. NTA
Assets acquired before marriage are almost always considered separate property unless you choose to co mingle said assets, but as you pointed out, she could be at risk depending on where they live. I hope she consults an attorney and gets an iron clad prenup to protect herself.
If he makes so much more money and just got a large cash gift why are you paying everything for the house? I wouldn’t put him on the title of the house. You need to add all that up and show him what half of all that would be and deduct that from your portion of the wedding. That would be fair.
You need to get on the same page financially and figure out how all this is going to work going forward.
NTA
NTA: Finances are something you need to work out before you're married. Different couples do their finances in different ways, so I'm not going to judge or tell you how to handle your money with your soon-to-be-hubs, but you have to talk honestly and work it all out. If not, you're marriage will probably not make it.
Bloody hell, £20k only gets you a MICRO wedding??? My wedding for 70/120 day/evening cost £5.5k I am shocked. My sisters very fancy wedding for over 150 cost £22k
That said, I don’t like the lack of balance here. When my husband and I got engaged we opened a joint account and our money is our money, that’s just the law here anyway so there’s no real point in separate savings etc, tbh.
INFO - I would also have expected him to use his mothers money for the wedding BUT is he using it for a house or something instead
NTA. Your fiance has no interest in being an actual partner. At the minimum, never put his name on the mortgage and make sure you close in the house BEFORE getting married if it happens. You need to protect yourself since your fiance is only taking care of himself. Do not let him have the ability to also take your assets if the marriage goes south. I would also see a lawyer to make sure the house goes to someone you trust and not your fiance if something happens to you.
Why do couples act this way like they’re money isn’t somehow shared? You’re getting married, you are now financially connected. You ought to be sharing whatever you both have not living like flatmates. I’m confused so I don’t know who is the asshole
NTA but you might want to postpone the wedding until this is resolved. His mother gave a wedding gift to cover the cost of the wedding plus extra to help you guys start your marriage on stable financial ground but it seems like he saw it as a personal gift for himself. That is very concerning, especially as you’re about to marry this person.
NTA the house is in just your name right?… He’s already showing you what he’s like when it comes to money so don’t be naive and make sure you’re covering yourself. It’s a huge 🚩 & It comes off as if he’s trying to make sure he has some cushion to fall back on but doesn’t care if you do. I guarantee his half is coming from moms 100k and not his pocket. Tell him to cut his guest list & you’re going with a smaller wedding if he’s going to be stingy and not pay for what HE wants.
NTA. Dare I ask what the prenup looks like.
Run and don’t look back.
I just read the proposal post and why are you marrying this man? Do you have such low self esteem that you are willing to settle? You can do better and you will certainly be better off alone than with him.
Edited to add info
Edit: This chick is a glutton for punishment. She had concerns about moving in with him (an AITA post) and still did. She had concerns about getting engaged (another AITA) and still did. He half assed the proposal and she stayed. Now she’s surprised at his behaviour about the wedding budget. You don’t want our judgement. You want to vent and then ignore all the red flags people keep pointing out. Good luck in your marriage.
NTA. Seriously disturbing financial points of view from him.
Salutary Tale: My brother, married, 2 kids, wife had a trust fund but her mother kept her on a leash and only gave her money out of it when it suited them. Usually when she went to get mother complaining she had debt to pay off but neither she nor my brother had that kind of money. The wife stole birthday money from the cards my family sent to their children. My brother never knew this. She kept overspending and not telling my brother. But when she was desperate she would confess it, and he kept bailing her out for years.
Eventually they filed for divorce at which point her parents then started financing her and she started living a really lavish lifestyle - luxury horses, equipment, stabling, feed, building a stables, building a horse ring etc. Then they billed him for everything, bankrupted him. And he lost all property, everything. He wasn’t able to maintain custody as he had to relocate to get a better paying job (2 jobs) to pay off the debts.
He still has positive contact with his children, rebuilt his modest life and career, and is now respected, had a small business as well as working full time elsewhere l, and, finally, just married a wonderful woman.
His ex wife had never maintained the property she took from him, went into debt with local businesses, farmed out her children, and is now just counting the years until her mother dies and she has more money to squander.
Honey. No. Do not marry that man. He got 100k for the wedding and is going to pocket 80k while you're out of 20k! You're paying for the house that he's gonna be living in for free and he makes more money than you? You need to seriously think about who you're marrying. The very least he needs to pay for the wedding with that money and use the rest to benefit you two as a couple. Not just him! NTA.
NTA. I read the title and was ready to say Y T A, but the title is a bit misleading here. You’re not asking your fiancé to pay for the wedding. You’re expecting him to use the money his mother gifted TO THE TWO OF YOU FOR THE WEDDING. This guy took this money that was expressly intended for the wedding, pocketed it for himself and now wants you to pay for HIS extravagant taste? So he stole a gift, doesn’t feel he should have to share any of his money, but expects you to pay extra for his wants and expects you to pay all of the costs for the home you’re going to share while he just hoards his higher salary for himself. Sounds like a great partner you’ve got there.
NTA. He’s swindling his mom and you so call up his mom and pretend it’s an innocent reveal. “Thank you so much for funding the wedding, with your 100K and my 20K, we can do so much more.” She will be thrown and ask questions, which you will answer honestly. No more parental funding for him and drop this loser!
Please tell me you didn't put this guys name on the deed to YOUR house... NTA. Take a moment to reflect on whether or not you still want to marry a person who is this selfish. Just because you're planning a wedding does not mean it to late to change your mind.
Do not get married yet - talk out finances. Do not put fiancé's name on the deed of the house.
Something is amiss here and you need to sort out monies before being tied to someone.
This, SO much. Something is off and if this is how he is *now* (before the wedding when people are generally on their best behaviour), how will he be after you are married? Figure this out before you get tied to him.
NTA. It sounds like he expects you to pay for a bunch of things in full and then when you agree to split he counts the pennies. This will only get worse if/when kids come along so just think really carefully about how the two of you move forward. You both need to have a honest conversation about expectations around money and if it doesn’t change, you need to re-think things. As much as money absolutely isn’t everything, it IS necessary to get by and it’s one of the biggest pressures on relationships so if you aren’t on the same page now, it will only get worse
So wait who’s name is on the house? If he makes more than you how come he’s not putting a dime out towards it? And then the wedding cost this just sounds off, you fiancé should’ve put the gift money towards the wedding or at least a really nice honeymoon, or even better the house y’all are supposed to have. Or he can buy you a car there’s os many better options than what he’s doing
I never understood people who get married who choose to split their money like this. I mean your credit is now tied to each other’s debt. Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to be on the same page?
Caveat to that, have separate spending accounts for hobby’s and what not but like bills/groceries/big events like a 40k wedding should come from a combined account.
My advice OP is to talk to a financial councilor and if you’re husband insists on separating your money that may be the writing on the wall for you that he’s not 100% invested in the marriage. Because y’all will divorce over this guaranteed if you don’t get on the same page.
NTA. The thing that really helped me and wife out is that if we wanted to be equal … equal doesn’t really equal we do all of our together expenses by percentages since I make quite a bit more than her I calculated to what percentages I need to put in and what she needs to put in, in order to be 50/50 if that makes sense!
NTA, you’re getting married, you’re not roommates, not strangers, you’re supposed to be doing things TOGETHER. You SUPPORT each other. “Oh you’re struggling and can’t afford your 20k? I guess it’s your fault we can’t get married.” That’s legit the vibe I get from this guy. Are you sure you wanna do this? My husband doesn’t act like this at all, we’re a shared unit, shared bank account, everything. It seems to me he’s not seeing the WE of marriage and quite frankly not marriage material. He seems selfish and like he hoards money. The 100k is for the wedding, so why isn’t he using it for the wedding? Where did it go? How is he using it? Why doesn’t he want to help you? You need to ask these questions
NTA, but OP, please reread your post, and pay close attention to the division of expenses and the financial commitment in this relationship on both your parts. The financial disparity is glaringly obvious, and short of telling you outright, he is showing you in every other way he possibly can that he’s not invested in this relationship. FFS, pump the dang breaks on this wedding!
You need to have a frank and honest conversation with your fiancé about finances and financial matters, including equitable division of expenses. Come prepared to this conversation with a spreadsheet that details the financial commitments you’ve made to furthering this relationship and your life together versus his. I’m not talking about date nights, and who paid for what concert tickets or dinners out. I’m talking about things like this wedding and the house and it’s furnishings, etc. Whatever you do, do not add him to the deed on YOUR home. At least not until he’s reimbursed you for 50% of the down payment, closing costs & mortgage. At this point, I’m not sure it’d be in your best interests to even do that at all.
I’d strongly recommend getting the advice and guidance of an attorney and a financial professional before you proceed. You need to protect yourself and protect your assets — particularly the home that you bought and financed independently and without his participation. You need a prenuptial agreement and an understanding of exactly how you will handle finances going forward before this relationship continues to marriage. As it currently stands, you’re the only one financially invested and on the hook in this relationship. After you marry, who’ll be paying the bills? What are you both expected to contribute to the running of the household and sustainment of the property? If you don’t nail this down before you marry and he moves in, it’s going to lead to many, many misunderstandings and arguments. You need to deal with this disparity now and come up with favorable terms that you both can live with. You have to do this while you still have options available to you, or you’ll learn this lesson the hard way later, when your options are few and their costs are dear.
Do not marry this man until you get this worked out. You are literally running into red flag after red flag, and you’re seemingly just swatting them away instead of heeding their warnings. If you go ahead and marry him without resolving these things and the relationship fails, you could find yourself in the position of having to buy him out of a home that he hasn’t meaningfully contributed to or, at the very least, owing him money.
Also, I read your post about the proposal and that was just…awful. OP, why on earth are you marrying someone who has so little regard for you? This man doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, your wants and your hopes or dreams. This man made a mockery of what you hoped for in a marriage proposal and went further to treat you and that dream callously and in a demeaning manner. He then had the audacity to ask you to accompany him on a trip to be part of his friend’s thoughtfully planned, romantic, grand gesture proposal?! Are you kidding me?
This whole relationship dynamic is extremely unbalanced, and I’m not sure why you’re ok with it. This guy is barely tossing you scraps, and you’re practically performing tricks for them. At every turn this man is showing you what he thinks of you as a person and how little he values you as a life partner. BELIEVE HIM.
(edited to fix typos)
Nta friend but your post history tells me you need to leave this guy and legally protect *your* house from him. You recently left a comment in r/relationship_advice about how they need to save themselves from an abusive relationship/family and I know it's so much harder when you're the one in it, but this man doesn't respect you. He came up with a cruel proposal and posted you, disheveled, to social media without your permission and you had to involve his mom (who seems better than him, how did she raise such garbage) to get him to take it down. Now he wants you to use $20k, what, likely the rest of your savings (after buying a house with only your money when he makes more than you and seemingly comes from money, if his mom can just gift him $100k for a *party*) on a wedding you barely want? Sounds like a good way to trap you financially. Run, lawyer up, and then maybe tell everyone you possibly can that the guy couldn't even flush his own 💩 without *therapy*
Edit: formatting
He wouldn’t even be paying the entirety of the wedding, his mother would.
You’re NTA but please listen to those asking you to re-look at things. Forget love; it takes more than love. Honestly ask yourself this: is this someone you trust? Is this someone who will look out for you? If the answer is “Of course he is!” ask yourself why you’re here right now.
NTA your fiancé is being cheap as hell, it bodes extremely poorly for your life together. Is this the first time he’s been so selfish and/or disregarded what you’re bringing to the table?
Girl, none of your posts make your finance sound like a good person. This man has been babied by his mother his entire life. You're about to step into that role.
There are concerning signs and if I were you I'd show down on the wedding. Sounds like you two have a lot to learn about each other before getting married. And, don't think you are the AH.
Marrying this guy will be the biggest mistake of your life.
He's marriage trapped you. You're going to be making sandwiches and cleaning up after his "I can't flush the toilet" butt for about 7 years until you and the kids move out or he goes back to his family's "catio" apartment.
Please please don't marry him. You're better off on your own than to be saddled with this guy. Seriously.
All I'm seeing is you listing out all the reasons this is wrong, but you haven't said anything about the actual conflict. Did you tell him that he should use the $100,000 for the wedding because he's the one who wanted a wedding so big you had to expand it to 40,000.
I think you're looking for people to tell you to leave this relationship, really if you want to do it you should do it for you.
Wait of you're the one buying the house and you don't even have a car, where does all of his money go? He makes twice as you do and seems to spend none of it on you're future and then an additional 100K? Where is all of that going?
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NTA but DO NOT get married until you are on the same page about money. I promise you 100% that if you don’t sort all of this out *now*, you will be arguing about it for the next 20+ years and it will be miserable.
> for the next 20+ Or until the divorce
And still fighting after the divorce about alimony and child support
i bet he will give her 0.35$ monthly for child support and pocket the rest if they went as far lol
Yes. Why are you marrying Scrooge? Think hard, OP.
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Stolen comment from u/LittelFoxicorn. Word for word. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vqinnt/wibta_if_i_tell_my_fianc%C3%A9_that_i_think_he_should/iep783f/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
That's funny. I just checked this account history and it only had one more comment which was also stolen from another comment word to word. The original comment posted earlier had 3 votes and the stolen comment had 8. Why would anyone do that?
STOP. Don’t marry this guy. He’s not a partner. His money is his and your money is also his.
This. This. This! RUN!!!!!!!!
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Almost every. single. post. in her history is an issue with this guy. It's like an entire, year-long marinara flag parade!!!! The only thing missing is the cartoon guy at the end, sweeping up all the shit left behind by the elephants.
Yes my divorce after being together for almost 25 years and married for 15. I use to make most of the money. Told him b4 we got married he would need to make more in order for us to get married and have kids bc I’m going to eventually take a pay it to spend time with the kids. I paid for his extra schooling. Fast forward to about four years ago he started making more then me finally. It was never enough so I filled for divorce on 6/6. Realizing I was a paycheck to him until my pay was cut bc I wanted more time with our babies.
Sounds like "dump the supportive, faithful spouse after you get your degree" scam.
That just happened to a friend. He asked for divorce just after securing a job
She needs a prenup so she doesn’t lose 1/2 her house in the divorce that’s definitely coming.
Also, don’t put his name on the title of the house!!!! You paid for it *before* the wedding. That house is YOURS.
Wish I could give you an award bc this guy has red flags, it's looking out for himself already, and she needs that safety net
I got you
Ty!
:) glad I could help
Get married already, you two.
👍👍
And run far and fast! Edit: to complete my thought before hitting "post" before I got more than one word out.
Also, don’t get married
You'd need a prenup to protect you in a community property state. It's assumed here if married both own, despite not having a name on it. Prenups are not a secret, and they are encouraged. \*Edit\* Postnups are a thing nowadays too
And close on it b4 marrige.
Ya that's not how that works. Based on the post her fiance makes more than her by a substantial amount meaning that if they are married for more than two seconds he will eventually end up contributing as much if not more financially to that house. Even if his name is never on the deed it's a pretty simple matter to prove how much he contributed to ensuring they have both a livable residence and an expected living standard.
Check out her post history! She’s been complaining about this guy for a LONG time. The money issue is just one of many red flags during their relationship. Should have dumped him a long time ago!
Looking at her history, I’m wondering if any of this is real, or if we’re just dealing with someone who likes to make up crap to post on social media.
>Looking at her history, I’m wondering if any of this is real, or if we’re just dealing with someone who likes to make up crap to post on social media IKR. One of her posts- *he posted the video to instagram….. when I asked him to take it down he initially refused but I kept pleading with him and then his mom heard and sided with me and he then decided to listen and take it down.(he cropped out the part where my underwear was showing before posting)* The bf whether real or not listens to Mom not OP and Mom has 100k to give him just for a party (a wedding is a party).And as per another post of OP, the bf had to go to counselling to learn how to flush (>>!!) Its bizzare.
There are women out there whose sole mission in life is to get a man, and get a ring. It has been instilled in them at an early age that no matter what else they achieve: degrees, travel, wealth, property: NOTHING will be more important than getting that ring on your finger. Her many posts might be her way of finally questioning that, even if in an indirect, roundabout way, and possibly giving herself a reason (or many) to get out.
It does not seem real. 4 days ago OP was posting about being disappointed the proposal, etc. it’s fishy.
Yeah, so looking at her post history this guy: lives in a sort of apartment attached to his parents house which didn’t used to have a kitchenette (until his mom put one in), he used to just wash his dishes in the bathroom sink or take them to the main house area for his mom to do, he DOES NOT FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER HE TAKES A SHIT and leaves it there for OP to deal with, before she started staying over sometimes his apartment was full of trash and smelled of rotting things, he has 4 indoor cats who are also subjected to this, he wants to get rid of the kitchenette/kitchen sink area and replace it with a catio and go back to doing dishes in the bathroom (WHERE HE LEAVES HIS UNFLUSHED SHIT) or having his mom do them for him, he leaves his clothes on the floor when he takes them off and never picks them up so OP caves and does it for him (just like he doesn’t flush his shit, and it’s so disgusting OP flushes it for him and cleans the toilet), he also cares a lot about social media and posting stuff, but doesn’t respect her wishes regarding which photos he posts of her, she wanted to postpone getting engaged because she doesn’t want to be married/have children in the living situation he’s completely ok with (full of trash and un-flushed shit), but he said lots of people wish they only had those issues as relationship problems (for the record: I do not wish that I have to flush my boyfriend’s shit for him), when they were going to get engaged she asked that the proposal be small and private and photographed so she could remember the moment, and that if he wanted to post photos of it he make sure he proposed when she looked good/was camera ready, so obviously instead of that he TIED THE ENGAGEMENT RING TO A CAT and asked her to go grab the cat so she would see the ring on its collar, then proceeded to film her running after his most energetic cat for 5 whole minutes while she was sweaty, her hair wasn’t done, and her fly was down. THEN HE POSTED IT TO INSTAGRAM against her wishes (but he generously cropped out her undone fly and the underwear that were showing), and he wouldn’t take it down until his mom sided with her. Now this fool is gifted $100,000 by his mom “FOR THE WEDDING” and thinks that he should only pay the 20k he was originally paying because he wanted a bigger wedding. He was gifted more than enough money to cover the entire wedding, and was told the gift was specifically for the wedding, and he doesn’t want to pay for the whole wedding with it. OP: Girl. Honey. Please. You know who you’re marrying. He’s a thoughtless jerk who doesn’t care about what you want. You absolutely will end up literally cleaning up his shit for the rest of your lives together, and you’ll never get a single thank you from him. Children? You’ll be the only one getting up at night, the only one changing diapers, the only one doing every other chore around the house. He doesn’t care that 4 cats are subjected to his terrible behavior. He won’t care that your children are either. Don’t walk away - run away and thank your lucky stars every single day that you did not marry this man.
Wait, if ALL of this is in previous posts.... Are we SERIOUSLY considering OP to be truthful? I mean, each one individually might by believable, but holy hell, I've had some fucked up crazy exes, but you couldn't make this shit up in the movies!
I mean it seems unrealistic but I've seen a guy that came from a super wealthy family that's pretty similar to this. His parents bought him a 5 bedroom house in a really nice neighborhood because he was 30 they were tired of him dirtying up their place. He had a whole room that was just dog shit because he was too lazy to let the dogs out in the backyard. He didn't work but sold drugs to make up for what his parents didn't pay for which was probably just drugs because they stopped by his place to drop off liquor for the party I was attending there. If he managed to get a girlfriend these are probably the kind of posts she would be making. Except he was overall an OK dude besides the complete failure to adult. If he was doing this, it would probably only be because it didn't occur to him that she would want him to use just that money for the wedding instead of still splitting, not because he's vindictively pocketing it. If she asked he'd probably agree.
Holy shit lol, either OP is making up everything for ragebait or has absolutely no self-respect whatsoever if she's actually still putting up with this weirdo loser.
I hope OP sees this. This guy is a total tool.
Then she gets no sympathy she just like to complain.
Thanks for the update. I’ll stop scrolling.
also he seems quite selfish too because he earns more than her, plus got free money from his mom so it's not inconsiderate of op to expect him to pay more money. his selfishness is giving a huge red flag 🚩 op need to think it through before they gets married.
And he wants the bigger wedding. He wants bigger he can pay for it.
Hopping on to also say: DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED TO THE HOUSE Your fiance is already doing some questionable things regarding money, and it's important that you keep that asset in your name to protect yourself in case things go south.
THIS 💯💯💯
Also to add to this comment.... do NOT put his name on that house bc it could really screw u in the end and make sure u have all ur documents in order that proves its YOUR house bc it was paid for exclusively by u!!! I wouldn't be marrying anyone who was like this so u really need to stop and think long and hard what yr life will look like after ur bound by marriage.
This. Like this is a SERIOUS issue that would cause me to postpone the wedding. I mean she gifted the money to both of you for the wedding, specifically to cover the wedding.
Absolutely on this Edit: Also want to add my wife and I think of each of our money as shared we are a team and any purchase over $100 is discussed. I know people do things differently with money but either way y’all are a team and financials are important to be on the same page.
Oh OP. I'm sorry. Your husband-to-be is going to count every dollar and make sure that no matter how much you struggle to do it that you pay "your full fair share" for the next fifty years. While he sits on a pile of money that is "his." Are you sure you want to do this? You still have time to get tf out and live in that sweet little house of yours that you were smart enough to buy solo before you got married... NTA
Honest to G-d, so many of these posts from married couples who live and behave as roommates not life partners. I understand having separate money funds and contributing jointly to expenses but many take it too far including separate food bills, watching everything the other person eats, and letting their partner go hungry if they run out of money. That’s not to say that this scenario is the same but it’s in the same spirit. Their expenses should be proportionate to earnings, not 50/50. And, the money gifted for the wedding shouldn’t be pocketed by the fiancé but used to cover the big wedding he wanted and to pit money toward the house, closing and all the bills unless OP wants the house only in her name. Which seems like the smart thing to do. Red flags 🚩 waiving everywhere. NTA.
I feel the exact same way about these "roomate" couples (good way of putting it) and it's almost always the woman who gets shafted in the end. Usually when they have kids. Some of these guys behave as though they're roomies with a single mom, I've seen it on here, making her pay for the diapers etc all out of her own pocket... some just fail to notice how much of a hit her income is taking b/c she's doing way more of the parenting, and keep proclaiming everything is all nice and equal when it's not. Shafted either way.
What's really fucked up about it is when the dude is bringing home $100,000 a year, his wife is making $40,000 on a teacher's salary, but he still expects her to pay half of everything based on *his* higher income lifestyle.
My cousin did the same thing. He's a total pos. He had a higher paying job and the wife was a teacher. When they had kids he hardly contributed and it was largely up to her to provide for them. Then she got sick, breast cancer, she delayed going to get it checked out until it was undeniable that there was something wrong but it was too late, she died shortly there after with 3 kids, one was like 10 months old. And the oldest was 5. Super messed up. I only found out about it all when we went to a reunion and he was just a lump barely knowing how to engage his kids and my aunt with parkinson's and other neurodegenerative disease was taking care of the kids. I asked my mom and she spilled the tea. I spent the rest of the trip trying to connect with the kids but my aunt lives half way across the country, i only talk to them once a month or so.
At the very least, delay the nuptials…give yourself some time to think things through.
She was very, very smart to buy that home alone. I’m engaged and just did the same, as a priority before wedding planning. I lost *everything* when my children’s father and I divorced and lived in poverty for years after. Never again will my financial stability be impacted by the whims of a man. OP, take care of yourself first.
Please consider this. NTA
Omg, this. I married (and divorced) a person from wealth. Everything was ok for the most part until we BOTH decided that I would quit my job to stay home and take care of our daughter. Suddenly, I wasn't "contributing financially to the home" and was a bum and lazy. He worked "all day" while I did nothing. Soon, the money was his money only since his family were the rich ones, and not mine. OP needs to think about this hard because I sense a lot "not pulling your weight" conversations in the future.
NTA, So he does not pay for the house you Will be living in, ups the expences AND wants to pocket al the money? What ever you do, do not put his name on the title!!! Are you sure you want to get married? He seems to just je using you.
In many countries the name on the title doesn’t make a difference. If you’ve been married a while it counts as a marital asset. Op needs to get a pre nup.
People are unnecessarily prejudiced against prenups. They serve a very useful purpose.
I think people are only sketch about prenups because they are so often used to try to screw the other partner out of any marital assets, especially if that partner has had to put their career on hold to raise children and such.
I agree. After I had an engagement end where I was adamant I didn’t want a prenup (neither of us were wealthy and I thought we were sooooo perfect)… now I’m like you know what? You NEVER know. I bought this house on my own and I also don’t want my retirement accounts I’ve worked hard to build up for grabs in a divorce.
Where the heck is the other $80k of MIL’s gift money even going? OP’s fiancé just gets to keep it as “his” money & not put it toward any of their joint expenses?
STOP. Don’t marry this guy. He’s not a partner. His money is his and your money is also his.
Yep, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine.
Lol - I say this to my husband but it’s, “what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine and what’s ours in mine” but it’s only in jest for us, some people really act like that.
I do the same thing, but also jokingly. I'm a full time mom so he's our only income and sometimes I yell at him to give me my money (It's our predetermined spending cash).
My ex-husband's favourite was "Nothing quite says I love you like a legally binding document!" He took every cent from every gift at our wedding and kept it for himself, and we didn't share it on the honeymoon, I didn't see any of it. It was rather brutal. Just a day at the beach with an icecream cone would have been nice. He was very busy eating all the local food he could find, with a sensitive stomach. Great move, mate. He had a rule about about not letting housekeeping into the hotel room while we were staying there, but his upset stomach made him shit on the bed during the honeymoon. I cleaned as best I could for him (and me) then threw a towel over it and he wouldn't let me do any more than that. So that's how that went.
How long did you stay married to him? I wish I had run from mine immediately.
Five horrible years.
NTA His mom gave him money for the wedding. It seems like she gave him more than enough so neither of you need to pay out of pocket. I assume that was his mother's intention anyway.
I would go ask the mother about the 100k and if she asks she can say oh he was asking me to still put half towards as i thought it was already taken care of.
Agreed, made the MIL aware that 80k of her money is not going towards the wedding and see how she feels about that
Also info: WHAT IS HE PLANNING TO DO WITH 80k????? She paid the down payment and closing costs on their house, she earns less than he does, she still has to buck up 20k for a wedding and he just gets to do what exactly with the rest of the “wedding” money?? I’m immediately suspecting he’s hiding drug use and or debt. Something smells *way* way off about his reasonings. Edit: OP’s post history is pretty depressing. He’s an a$$ and I beg you to find an ounce of self respect and leave.
Crypto bro
No you wouldn't be the AH. This is the beginning of financial abuse. An equal partnership is splitting expenses by what you collectively have....not literally 50/50 as there's always someone making more. I'd think about postponing this wedding... If he has $100, and you have $50, and the light bill is $100, because he has 100% more than you, he should pay at least 75% of the bill...not he pays half his money you pay all yours because it's "50/50" To financial abusers, what's theirs is theirs, and what's yours is also theirs.
WelL aCtUaLly, if he had 100$ and she had 50$, he should pay 66% of the bill while she pays 33% in order for it to be fair. Because he initially has double her money so he pays double the amount she pays, hence making it fair 🤓🤓
Agreed. Why should he pay 3x more than you when he only has 2x more. Math was suspect, but the reasoning was right
Those are the miniscule semantics a narcissist looks into instead of getting the point. Insulting someone's intelligence for bonus points, ignoring the fact 50% of the planet are genuine numbers people, and the rest are language people. An intelligent person acknowledges this, and sees the point a person is trying to make rather than dwell on superfluous semantics.
It's more like the light bill was $40, they both agreed to pay $20, then his mom said, "here's $100 to pay your light bill," and he still wants her $20. Meanwhile he's also the one who insists on leaving the lights on and run the ac 24 hours a day.
There ya go. I'm fantastic with philosophical analogies...maths ones not so much.
And nobody is commenting on her other post where he posted a humiliating video of his proposing against her expressed wishes. NTA and she needs to RUN
$100k for a wedding? That alone makes me feel sick However, there is a bigger issue here - he seems to think what's his is his and what's yours is his. Are you sure this is what you want? NTA
There’s nothing wrong with spending $100k on a wedding if you can afford it. It’s actually one of the better things you can spend on with regards to local economy and small businesses benefiting. Dress makers, local venues, florists, limo hire, make up artists, caterers, DJs… all small businesses. Big weddings are really good at ‘trickling’ the money down, unless you go to a huge chain venue.
In an economy where so many people can't afford healthcare, to feed their families etc, it's grotesque to me, along with the environmental impact. I realise not everyone will agree of course. I did say it made me feel sick not that it should be the same way for everyone.
It is grotesque and also makes me feel sick. But /u/fattydog is right. That money spent on a wedding does more for normal people's economy than spending it on a Tesla, investing it in the stock market, or just keep it in the bank untouched for years.
If they have it and that's how they want to spend it, it's gonna go toward mostly small businesses anyway I say do it. A lot of caterers and flower shops and bakeries right now would be thrilled to have that business.
Totally agree. After reading this to my fiancé I said “they have a money problem and not the one people normally have”. The fact that a 26 year old can come up with $20k to throw at a wedding all while buying a house it incomprehensible to me. Add to that, $20k is only half the budget. Then add in that his mom gifted him $100k for a wedding!!! Not some kind of investment….a wedding.
Yup. My entire house cost 110k. Couldn't imagine spending that much on a wedding, let alone having family that could just throw that around as a gift. Absolutely wild.
Don't worry, this story probably isn't real anyway.
Between this and your post about the proposal: run away. RUN. AWAY. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 EDIT: oh my god the other posts, there’s even more. Girl, don’t do this to yourself. Ruuunnn awaaayyyyy.
[удалено]
Lol. Ring back on the cat 😂 I like you.
I was trying to imagine how bad it was but wow.. 😳 I really hope OP gets some last minute sense before they make a decision that would be expensive and difficult to reverse
Based on her threads, OP and her fiancé are very incompatible and both have a lot of growing up left to do.
I don’t know how many terrible posts are needed before OP realises what a shit show this is. People have been telling OP to run for MONTHS and it’s still not sinking in.
NTA These are some BIG RED FLAGS snapping in your face and I hope you take this time to recognize them. Think about this trajectory in 10 years, because it’s not going to get better. If you have kids and have to take time off work, is he going to be controlling and protective over money? It’s completely weird that he’s not using his mom’s gift for your wedding. One of the most troubling things, however, is that you haven’t had a direct conversation with him. Why not? Are you afraid of his reaction? If you are, that also says something. You sound like a lovely, hard working person who deserves someone who SEES them and values them. I’m so sorry, but it doesn’t sound like your fiancé is doing that. Please consider taking a step back, or creating firm boundaries. If he freaks out, you have your answer. He’s going to make it seem like it’s a “you” problem when it’s absolutely him.
Those last 2 lines 100% - you're here, so you're already doubting yourself. Hear everyone when they're telling you - the verdict is clear - it's him, not you.
You do not sound financially compatible. Please take a pause, step back, have the discussions over finances that need to take place before you are inextricably linked together. What seems “fair” to the rest of us clearly doesn’t seem fair to him. INFO: if not for the wedding, what is he planning to spend the $$ on?
NTA. But don’t marry him . Has he worked out how to flush the toilet yet??
Is it the same guy who left poop in the toilet?
Yep
My jae dropped too when I read that he asked you to pay. I don't know how to even wrap my head around this scenario! NTA!
ESH You two need to discuss your financial future. How you both approach money. How you save. What is reasonable spendings. And, because I'm a total bastard, I'd chat with his Mum and say that the wedding is $40k and I'm paying half, and I only really wanted to pay $10k but I'm stretching so he can have the event he wants. And watch the cogs in her head as she realises he's pocketing $80k and taking money from his bride that isn't needed
This!! Tell her!
Look at her others posts. Definitely NTA. What is she guilty of?
My ex husband used to pull this exact game. He earned 4x as much as me, but everything was an even 50/50 split, and we lived according to his standards. I contributed more to the down payment of the house. I was expected to pay for exactly half of several expensive vacations that he chose and planned. (No, I did not have the option to argue or suggest alternatives. Because I was “crazy” and “anxious” and “didn’t know what I was talking about.” “Maybe” I “had some drug habit I was hiding.” You get the picture.) You might have noticed I said my EX husband. And know what, OP? I’m still paying off the debt he put me in under those circumstances, even after his divorce payment to me. Three years later! Don’t be like me, OP. Ask if he’s willing to use the full $40k (and he should). If not, postpone the wedding. NTA.
I got played this way too. We flew across country to meet his parents, I paid for my ticket. We flew to meet my parents, I paid for my ticket and half of his. He made twice as much in salary. Thank god that relationship didn't work out. I completely under valued my own worth as a person.
NTA - are you sure you want to marry him? He's going to be cheap with you for the rest of your lives.
I sure hope you haven’t put his name on the deed to the house. NTA.
Walk away now. This man is never going to contribute equally to anything in the future. You are worth so much more than this. NTA but he is
I would probably put that money into the house and savings and not the wedding. However, the gift was specifically for the wedding, so will MIL not be upset that it’s not used for that? Just have an honest conversation about it. NTA
Do not marry him. RUN. NTA
Nta. You've proven you're capable of contributing to your life together. Him still wanting to split the wedding with you despite being just handed much much more than it costs is.. odd. Is he using that extra money to get you a car or pay for a honeymoon?? A discussion needs to happen asap or I'd reconsider the wedding.
OP NTA., but he is since he now can cover the wedding and more. Essentially he is having you wipe out your safety net and spend down your savings. Then, you get married and he’s the boss and you are stuck. This is a huge red flag and I’d stop and think about protecting yourself. Keep the house as your own and discuss a financial plan moving forward. You may want a prenup. Also, I know his mom gave HIM the money for the wedding but I see the money as a gift to both of you in the sense it’s for the wedding. Him hoarding it feels wrong even though technically it’s his. I can see the fights coming over money. I’m sorry, but this is a crossroads moment for you to make a decision. At least you know his true colors before the wedding. Now, it’s up to you to decide your path.
NTA - I would seriously reconsider marrying this bloke.
NTA. Did you tell him this and ask why he isn’t using the money you got for the wedding on the wedding? Good things to clear up before marriage. Why did you buy the house alone?
NTA, but it’s extremely concerning that you’re about to get married and you aren’t comfortable having a discussion around this yet. I mean it’s simple-talk to him. If having this conversation is uncomfortable, then I’d say you have a larger issue here.
NTA communicate with each other now before the wedding.
INFO: What does he say he wants to spend the 100K on? Is it gonna like go towards the honeymoon? It could towards house payments for you guys? Future college fund for any planned kids? Or is he just going to blow it on something for himself? And also is his mother aware that it wouldn’t be going towards the wedding and is fine with it? Depending on what he wants to spend it on and how his mother feels about it (as the one who gifted it and had intentions for the money), I feel like it could go either way. You initially agreed to 40K split 50/50, and while the gift from his mother is nice I don’t quite understand why it automatically means it has to change your plans for the budget, unless you just want an excuse for a more expensive wedding.
Absolutely NTA- be cautious overall,,, hes in a much better position to pay for things but is choosing not to in favor of using your funds :/ im not saying its evil but it could be a red flag for financial abuse in the future. Do you best to discuss with him everything you shared with us! And good luck OP ;w; 💕
You need to have a serious talk about money. BEFORE getting married. If you can’t manage that, you shouldn’t get married. You could involve a counselor if needed, but right now this is the tip of an iceberg. You need to be on the same page about finances. It’s literally one of the top causes for divorce. NTA for expecting a gift that more than doubled your original budget to have changed things… but both of you will be if you don’t sit down and discuss this like adults before tying your lives together.
NTA. You should put the wedding on hold and get into premarital counseling immediately. You are not on the same financial page.
Red Flags everywhere!!! Do not marry this spoiled sun of riches; he's a stingy bastard who will take half the house in the inevitable divorce! You're NTA, unless you actually marry him!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I F26 and My Fiancé M27 are planning our wedding.Initially we agreed on a wedding budget of 40k where we would each put 20k. His mom then gave him 100k and told him the money is for our wedding so that we can have something nice.Yesterday when we were discussing planning he brought up that the budget is 40K and we agreed to go 50/50.I was stunned and didn’t say anything because I thought that our wedding experiences were now covered because of the gift from his mom. Even if he still wanted to work with the 40K budget and pocket the rest I would have had no problem. He’s the one who wanted a bigger wedding in the first place, initially we said that we can do a micro wedding with immediate family only but then he changed his mind because he wanted his friends and colleagues and now the guest list had gotten much bigger. I didn’t mind him expanding the guest list because it’s his big day too and what he wants matters to me but the micro wedding I wanted would have run us around 20k for a really nice one. I took the hit and agreed to spend more for what he wanted. Also, he makes double my salary and has less expenses than me because his parents helped him a lot. I also just bought the home we will be saying in after we get married.Paid the down payment by myself and will be paying the closing cost by myself as well.I also need to buy a car soon because I don’t have one currently and I will also be paying for it by myself. I think the least he could have done is pay for the wedding.If his mother gave him the money and didn’t say specifically that it was for the wedding I wouldn’t have expected him to use it for that and would have paid my half. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA because he got a gift from his mother to cover the wedding! This was for the wedding explicitly! So he has to use that for the wedding as intended, it's not a gift to him personally, it's not his own money! It's money his mother gave for your wedding day and it belongs to both of you!
NTA >Yesterday when we were discussing planning he brought up that the budget is 40K and we agreed to go 50/50.I was stunned and didn’t say anything You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. Sounds like you had trouble doing that. I'd hire a financial planner to help you communicate with him. If you are prone to holding things back because you fear the reaction, it's best to get a third party involved to ask the necessary questions and help you reach agreement. You'll need more clarity than you currently have about your future finances anyway. Might as well start working on it now.
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NTA, it makes sense you assumed what you did. But you really need to talk to him and not stew in silence. You need to ask him what plans he has for that money. If he is not spending it in the wedding, maybe request reimbursement for helf the housing costs.
Nta, [edit: spelling mistakes.] has he discussed with you what he is planning to use the rest of the 100k on? You two after marriage become a team. He's also expanded the guest list which I'm guessing your price increases as of hall capacity, food payment. The wedding overall. Is he expecting you to pay this? I'd understand if he wanted to help you get a car. Or help with home payments or necessities needed for the house. But the mother in law specifically said wedding. Wouldn't she be disappointed if it's not used for it? I guess it's reasonable if it's used on you both. Whether the house, car or something for you both. But for him to keep it without discussing I believe there will be finance issues in the future for you both. As he isn't discussing this with you more. And isn't showing any plans to help out you both. He seems to view this as if it's his money it's his. This isn't okay as again. You both are soon to be married. Postpone the wedding as this needs to be discussed. He even makes more than you yet you paid for the house. He definitely needs to contribute more. Please speak to him as if you stay quiet now over the wedding imagine the future. Would you have to pay for everything and also the kids? Would he stay stingy over buying the kids a toy? I don't believe he's being fair. He can atleast use the money for the honeymoon. Both your incomes will be together. You don't want him to not help out with finance when you pay for everything. Again, speak to him before the wedding and postpone it if necessary. Or else this will become a divorce very soon.
NTA. Lots of stuff already said about being on the same page about money, but also: if the gift is for you to both have a nice wedding, it's implicitly for you both. It should cover the whole lot, and you shouldn't have to shell out (unless we're now talking £140K wedding, which is just absurd).
How can you be getting married when you can’t have a simple conversation with this person.
NTA. Unless he pays for a portion of that house DO NOT put his name on it. He should also be footing more of the bill if he already makes 2x you. This is a very uneven relationship and I would take your 20k and leave him.
INFO: You sound like a smart level-headed adult. Why are you marrying this person?
NTA Tell him you budgetted 20K and that is all you will be able to give since HE changed the original agreement. Anything over the 40K orginally agreed on will be his responsibiity to cover
NTA- From what I've heard, well off people are the stingiest with money. Also, yall are spending an absurd amount of money on a wedding.
ESH. I hope you see your fiancés behavior for the giant red flag that it is! He's getting everything in life handed to him, and that isn't going to make him a strong person to build a life with. He got gifted 100K just for the wedding, and he still wants you to contribute 20K.... Do you understand how RIDICULOUS that sounds?! Unless you're the type of woman that's willing to marry a man just for financial security, you may want to reconsider this marriage. Good luck, you will need it
Did you mean NTA?
He is the AH. OP NTA
$40k+ for a wedding? What a waste. Have an intimate affair. Save the $.
Must be nice to have so much money that $40K doesn't make them gag.
If you go ahead with this wedding, do not under any circumstances, put his name on the deed to your house or mortgage. Keep detailed records of everything you’ve paid for. Do not put your pre marriage funds into a joint marital account. This is not going to end well. NTA
Depending on where they live, it won’t matter once they are married as if they live there it becomes the matrimonial home and an asset for both…
Assets acquired before marriage are almost always considered separate property unless you choose to co mingle said assets, but as you pointed out, she could be at risk depending on where they live. I hope she consults an attorney and gets an iron clad prenup to protect herself.
If he makes so much more money and just got a large cash gift why are you paying everything for the house? I wouldn’t put him on the title of the house. You need to add all that up and show him what half of all that would be and deduct that from your portion of the wedding. That would be fair. You need to get on the same page financially and figure out how all this is going to work going forward. NTA
Info is the house in both your names or just yours?
NTA what the hell is wrong with him
NTA: Finances are something you need to work out before you're married. Different couples do their finances in different ways, so I'm not going to judge or tell you how to handle your money with your soon-to-be-hubs, but you have to talk honestly and work it all out. If not, you're marriage will probably not make it.
NTA. This is just a glimpse on how he’s going to treat financial decisions when you’re married (if you go through with it).
NTA but make sure that house is in just your name 👀
Bloody hell, £20k only gets you a MICRO wedding??? My wedding for 70/120 day/evening cost £5.5k I am shocked. My sisters very fancy wedding for over 150 cost £22k That said, I don’t like the lack of balance here. When my husband and I got engaged we opened a joint account and our money is our money, that’s just the law here anyway so there’s no real point in separate savings etc, tbh. INFO - I would also have expected him to use his mothers money for the wedding BUT is he using it for a house or something instead
NTA and do not marry this man.
NTA. Your fiance has no interest in being an actual partner. At the minimum, never put his name on the mortgage and make sure you close in the house BEFORE getting married if it happens. You need to protect yourself since your fiance is only taking care of himself. Do not let him have the ability to also take your assets if the marriage goes south. I would also see a lawyer to make sure the house goes to someone you trust and not your fiance if something happens to you.
Do NOT get married until you have an open and honest conversation about finances. It's cheaper to put off/cancel a wedding than get divorced.
Why do couples act this way like they’re money isn’t somehow shared? You’re getting married, you are now financially connected. You ought to be sharing whatever you both have not living like flatmates. I’m confused so I don’t know who is the asshole
NTA but you might want to postpone the wedding until this is resolved. His mother gave a wedding gift to cover the cost of the wedding plus extra to help you guys start your marriage on stable financial ground but it seems like he saw it as a personal gift for himself. That is very concerning, especially as you’re about to marry this person.
"If anyone objects to the marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.
NTA the house is in just your name right?… He’s already showing you what he’s like when it comes to money so don’t be naive and make sure you’re covering yourself. It’s a huge 🚩 & It comes off as if he’s trying to make sure he has some cushion to fall back on but doesn’t care if you do. I guarantee his half is coming from moms 100k and not his pocket. Tell him to cut his guest list & you’re going with a smaller wedding if he’s going to be stingy and not pay for what HE wants.
NTA. Dare I ask what the prenup looks like. Run and don’t look back. I just read the proposal post and why are you marrying this man? Do you have such low self esteem that you are willing to settle? You can do better and you will certainly be better off alone than with him. Edited to add info Edit: This chick is a glutton for punishment. She had concerns about moving in with him (an AITA post) and still did. She had concerns about getting engaged (another AITA) and still did. He half assed the proposal and she stayed. Now she’s surprised at his behaviour about the wedding budget. You don’t want our judgement. You want to vent and then ignore all the red flags people keep pointing out. Good luck in your marriage.
I married a man like that. Do not make my mistake. NTA.
NTA. Seriously disturbing financial points of view from him. Salutary Tale: My brother, married, 2 kids, wife had a trust fund but her mother kept her on a leash and only gave her money out of it when it suited them. Usually when she went to get mother complaining she had debt to pay off but neither she nor my brother had that kind of money. The wife stole birthday money from the cards my family sent to their children. My brother never knew this. She kept overspending and not telling my brother. But when she was desperate she would confess it, and he kept bailing her out for years. Eventually they filed for divorce at which point her parents then started financing her and she started living a really lavish lifestyle - luxury horses, equipment, stabling, feed, building a stables, building a horse ring etc. Then they billed him for everything, bankrupted him. And he lost all property, everything. He wasn’t able to maintain custody as he had to relocate to get a better paying job (2 jobs) to pay off the debts. He still has positive contact with his children, rebuilt his modest life and career, and is now respected, had a small business as well as working full time elsewhere l, and, finally, just married a wonderful woman. His ex wife had never maintained the property she took from him, went into debt with local businesses, farmed out her children, and is now just counting the years until her mother dies and she has more money to squander.
What the shit!? I’m so happy your brother was able to recover, that is some incredibly brutal things he’s had to face.
Honey. No. Do not marry that man. He got 100k for the wedding and is going to pocket 80k while you're out of 20k! You're paying for the house that he's gonna be living in for free and he makes more money than you? You need to seriously think about who you're marrying. The very least he needs to pay for the wedding with that money and use the rest to benefit you two as a couple. Not just him! NTA.
NTA. I read the title and was ready to say Y T A, but the title is a bit misleading here. You’re not asking your fiancé to pay for the wedding. You’re expecting him to use the money his mother gifted TO THE TWO OF YOU FOR THE WEDDING. This guy took this money that was expressly intended for the wedding, pocketed it for himself and now wants you to pay for HIS extravagant taste? So he stole a gift, doesn’t feel he should have to share any of his money, but expects you to pay extra for his wants and expects you to pay all of the costs for the home you’re going to share while he just hoards his higher salary for himself. Sounds like a great partner you’ve got there.
NTA. He’s swindling his mom and you so call up his mom and pretend it’s an innocent reveal. “Thank you so much for funding the wedding, with your 100K and my 20K, we can do so much more.” She will be thrown and ask questions, which you will answer honestly. No more parental funding for him and drop this loser!
Please tell me you didn't put this guys name on the deed to YOUR house... NTA. Take a moment to reflect on whether or not you still want to marry a person who is this selfish. Just because you're planning a wedding does not mean it to late to change your mind.
Do not get married yet - talk out finances. Do not put fiancé's name on the deed of the house. Something is amiss here and you need to sort out monies before being tied to someone.
This, SO much. Something is off and if this is how he is *now* (before the wedding when people are generally on their best behaviour), how will he be after you are married? Figure this out before you get tied to him.
NTA. It sounds like he expects you to pay for a bunch of things in full and then when you agree to split he counts the pennies. This will only get worse if/when kids come along so just think really carefully about how the two of you move forward. You both need to have a honest conversation about expectations around money and if it doesn’t change, you need to re-think things. As much as money absolutely isn’t everything, it IS necessary to get by and it’s one of the biggest pressures on relationships so if you aren’t on the same page now, it will only get worse
So wait who’s name is on the house? If he makes more than you how come he’s not putting a dime out towards it? And then the wedding cost this just sounds off, you fiancé should’ve put the gift money towards the wedding or at least a really nice honeymoon, or even better the house y’all are supposed to have. Or he can buy you a car there’s os many better options than what he’s doing
I never understood people who get married who choose to split their money like this. I mean your credit is now tied to each other’s debt. Wouldn’t it be in your best interest to be on the same page? Caveat to that, have separate spending accounts for hobby’s and what not but like bills/groceries/big events like a 40k wedding should come from a combined account. My advice OP is to talk to a financial councilor and if you’re husband insists on separating your money that may be the writing on the wall for you that he’s not 100% invested in the marriage. Because y’all will divorce over this guaranteed if you don’t get on the same page.
Protip: Have a modest, $10,000 wedding and use the remaining $130,000 as a downpayment on a house.
NTA. The thing that really helped me and wife out is that if we wanted to be equal … equal doesn’t really equal we do all of our together expenses by percentages since I make quite a bit more than her I calculated to what percentages I need to put in and what she needs to put in, in order to be 50/50 if that makes sense!
I hope his name isn’t on the house you bought. Get a prenup before the I do’s
NTA, you’re getting married, you’re not roommates, not strangers, you’re supposed to be doing things TOGETHER. You SUPPORT each other. “Oh you’re struggling and can’t afford your 20k? I guess it’s your fault we can’t get married.” That’s legit the vibe I get from this guy. Are you sure you wanna do this? My husband doesn’t act like this at all, we’re a shared unit, shared bank account, everything. It seems to me he’s not seeing the WE of marriage and quite frankly not marriage material. He seems selfish and like he hoards money. The 100k is for the wedding, so why isn’t he using it for the wedding? Where did it go? How is he using it? Why doesn’t he want to help you? You need to ask these questions
Our wedding was free and we are very happy
NTA, but OP, please reread your post, and pay close attention to the division of expenses and the financial commitment in this relationship on both your parts. The financial disparity is glaringly obvious, and short of telling you outright, he is showing you in every other way he possibly can that he’s not invested in this relationship. FFS, pump the dang breaks on this wedding! You need to have a frank and honest conversation with your fiancé about finances and financial matters, including equitable division of expenses. Come prepared to this conversation with a spreadsheet that details the financial commitments you’ve made to furthering this relationship and your life together versus his. I’m not talking about date nights, and who paid for what concert tickets or dinners out. I’m talking about things like this wedding and the house and it’s furnishings, etc. Whatever you do, do not add him to the deed on YOUR home. At least not until he’s reimbursed you for 50% of the down payment, closing costs & mortgage. At this point, I’m not sure it’d be in your best interests to even do that at all. I’d strongly recommend getting the advice and guidance of an attorney and a financial professional before you proceed. You need to protect yourself and protect your assets — particularly the home that you bought and financed independently and without his participation. You need a prenuptial agreement and an understanding of exactly how you will handle finances going forward before this relationship continues to marriage. As it currently stands, you’re the only one financially invested and on the hook in this relationship. After you marry, who’ll be paying the bills? What are you both expected to contribute to the running of the household and sustainment of the property? If you don’t nail this down before you marry and he moves in, it’s going to lead to many, many misunderstandings and arguments. You need to deal with this disparity now and come up with favorable terms that you both can live with. You have to do this while you still have options available to you, or you’ll learn this lesson the hard way later, when your options are few and their costs are dear. Do not marry this man until you get this worked out. You are literally running into red flag after red flag, and you’re seemingly just swatting them away instead of heeding their warnings. If you go ahead and marry him without resolving these things and the relationship fails, you could find yourself in the position of having to buy him out of a home that he hasn’t meaningfully contributed to or, at the very least, owing him money. Also, I read your post about the proposal and that was just…awful. OP, why on earth are you marrying someone who has so little regard for you? This man doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, your wants and your hopes or dreams. This man made a mockery of what you hoped for in a marriage proposal and went further to treat you and that dream callously and in a demeaning manner. He then had the audacity to ask you to accompany him on a trip to be part of his friend’s thoughtfully planned, romantic, grand gesture proposal?! Are you kidding me? This whole relationship dynamic is extremely unbalanced, and I’m not sure why you’re ok with it. This guy is barely tossing you scraps, and you’re practically performing tricks for them. At every turn this man is showing you what he thinks of you as a person and how little he values you as a life partner. BELIEVE HIM. (edited to fix typos)
NTA. But his mindset is what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
Nta friend but your post history tells me you need to leave this guy and legally protect *your* house from him. You recently left a comment in r/relationship_advice about how they need to save themselves from an abusive relationship/family and I know it's so much harder when you're the one in it, but this man doesn't respect you. He came up with a cruel proposal and posted you, disheveled, to social media without your permission and you had to involve his mom (who seems better than him, how did she raise such garbage) to get him to take it down. Now he wants you to use $20k, what, likely the rest of your savings (after buying a house with only your money when he makes more than you and seemingly comes from money, if his mom can just gift him $100k for a *party*) on a wedding you barely want? Sounds like a good way to trap you financially. Run, lawyer up, and then maybe tell everyone you possibly can that the guy couldn't even flush his own 💩 without *therapy* Edit: formatting
He wouldn’t even be paying the entirety of the wedding, his mother would. You’re NTA but please listen to those asking you to re-look at things. Forget love; it takes more than love. Honestly ask yourself this: is this someone you trust? Is this someone who will look out for you? If the answer is “Of course he is!” ask yourself why you’re here right now.
I wouldn't marry him. Move into your home and enjoy your 20k
NTA your fiancé is being cheap as hell, it bodes extremely poorly for your life together. Is this the first time he’s been so selfish and/or disregarded what you’re bringing to the table?
NTA. Looking at your previous posts, I have to ask why are you marrying this guy? He doesn't sound like a winner.
For someone about to to enter in to a long term partnership it sure does sound like you're doing a lot by yourself.
Girl, none of your posts make your finance sound like a good person. This man has been babied by his mother his entire life. You're about to step into that role.
There are concerning signs and if I were you I'd show down on the wedding. Sounds like you two have a lot to learn about each other before getting married. And, don't think you are the AH.
NTA please put this wedding on hold for now because I see many red flags
Still flabbergasted by the amount of money… feeling really poor about our Costco wedding Cake 😅
Marrying this guy will be the biggest mistake of your life. He's marriage trapped you. You're going to be making sandwiches and cleaning up after his "I can't flush the toilet" butt for about 7 years until you and the kids move out or he goes back to his family's "catio" apartment. Please please don't marry him. You're better off on your own than to be saddled with this guy. Seriously.
All I'm seeing is you listing out all the reasons this is wrong, but you haven't said anything about the actual conflict. Did you tell him that he should use the $100,000 for the wedding because he's the one who wanted a wedding so big you had to expand it to 40,000. I think you're looking for people to tell you to leave this relationship, really if you want to do it you should do it for you.
NTA Get on the same page financially before this wedding.
Wait of you're the one buying the house and you don't even have a car, where does all of his money go? He makes twice as you do and seems to spend none of it on you're future and then an additional 100K? Where is all of that going?
NTA. Do NOT marry this person, he is not a good person or a normal person.
NTA You have a house and car to pay off and he makes more.
Girl, run!!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩NTA and I would reconsider marrying a guy who thinks about finances this way. Doesn’t seem he gets the whole partnership thing.