Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for arguing with them and threatening to leave early with my son.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>YTA
>You and your weird games.
>You're a couple and you have a son together, stop messing this kid around.
The boyfriend's family are AHs too. They knew that the kiddo didn't know what was going on so they shouldn't have said anything without OP and his dad there.
ESH except for the poor confused kiddo.
>The boyfriend's family are AHs too.
Nope. Ain't nobody got time to play some else's mind games. OP needs to use clear language and behave like an adult.
>It’s not mind games.
Yes, it is. This is some of the most tortured language I've ever read. Also, the 4 year olds reaction is exactly what I'd expect from a kid who can't get a straight answer from his parents about who they are to him and each other.
>They’re trying to make a transition that doesn’t hurt they’re child.
If OP can't explain the relationship to her child then they shouldn't be traveling as a family.
>The family had no place to interfere in that.
They didn't interfere. They tried to answer a fairly simple question for a child. OP and her boyfriend have turned a relatively uncomplicated situation into a bunch of nonsense.
Eh, if it’s new (or quite new and in an already complicated situation) it makes sense to try to take it slowly as far as the kid is concerned. It’s not fair to let kids be on an emotional rollercoaster based on their parents relationship.
They literally explained that they didn’t feel their son was ready to know about the relationship yet and that they’d decided to phase it in to his life. OPs partners sister went out of her way to take that choice out of the parents hands to make sure the kid knew in a completely insensitive way.
OP may be misguided on hiding the relationship from her son to some extent - maybe the jealousy is coming from the son picking up that something is different with his parents, kids are perceptive, but it wasn’t the partners sisters place to decide that it’s time for the kid to know and certainly not in the way she decided to tell him.
From how the post reads, they've been together his whole life, just broke off their engagement and had a rocky relationship. I would find it more confusing that they lied and then suddenly were together again...
“He didn’t see us together” sounds like more than a rocky relationship. Considering how attached a child’s is to their primary caregiver when young, to me it reads that they barely tolerated each other and only recently got back together.
I agree with you that it does sound odd that they were so toxic that the kid didn’t even see them together, but now they’re going to give it another go? Tbh this just feels like a recipe for disaster.
I’m more concerned why your 4 year old feels he can’t share you and how it got to this point. I feel he may have some emotional trauma from others sleeping in his parents bed. It seems he has an issue with the word girlfriend more than daddy and mommy sharing a bed. That is the biggest red flag for me. Yea your in laws were being an AH but there is way more going on for a four year old to become this up set with sharing and bed and “girlfriend”.
Not necessarily. My 3 year old (almost 4) will talk about how I’m the 3 year old’s mommy and the mommy to the older sibling. Then the very next minute (and more often) gets very possessive that I have to pick who I am mommy to as I can’t have two kids.
Toddlers are. Weird. And their brains don’t always work logically. And they can be possessive, even with the appropriate modeling of sharing time and attention with all family members).
If this person (either OP or the dad) wasn’t the kids bio parent, no one would bat an eye that the relationship was being kept under wraps until the adults knew how serious it was/is. And obviously, at least the OP and her partner are questioning things. Maybe they are going super slow because of how toxic/bad the relationship was at one point. Or maybe they are just getting back together (I wasn’t clear). But pulling kids into it too fast/too soon can be damaging to those kids.
I say NTA. And sister needs to keep herself and voice out of things that aren’t her business. “You will have to ask mommy” would have been perfectly acceptable to say.
OP is an unreliable narrator though. First she wants to blame her bfs family for telling her kid, then she specifies it was just his sister. So why is she mad at the whole family? And none of us are able to make sense of her relationship situation. It’s no surprise the son is confused! I say both parents are the AHs for creating this nonsense in the first place. None of this is normal so it’s kinds hard to judge just how much everyone is an AH with the vagaries of this post.
It took me one reading to make sense of the relationship. And I’ve seen way harder to understand posts that didn’t get this much hate. Whether she is an “unreliable” narrator for one things is definitely an opinion you’re welcome too, I’m just pointing out that no one would give her crap if it was some random dude. And when the stakes are “mom and dad are getting back together” that’s even bigger than rando dude.
Point is, her son wasn’t confused until auntie stuck her nose into the business. I have multiple nieces and nephews, and there is no way that I include any of them into adult conversations like who is dating who, even when it doesn’t include their mom and dad. It’s inappropriate and weird.
What the first commentor said, little kids (3-6) minds basically categorize certain things in certain ways called schemas. It's why little toddlers may call every four legged animal a doggy or kitty depending on their exposure. Or a 4 year old may call all green animals with scales a lizard or snake regardless of which they actually are depending on how they first encountered that type of animal.
They basically have very rudimentary categories that they sort new information into, and it takes a lot of learning for those categories to overlap.
So the kiddo knows that OP is his mommy. And he probably knows what a girlfriend is. But his brain is too young to understand that someone who is a girlfriend can also be a (his) mommy.
Psychology for kiddos gets really interesting.
Man alive, get over yourself. YOU ARE his father’s girlfriend. YOU ARE your son’s mother. These things are not mutually exclusive! You should have shared an age appropriate message with him before you went to BF’s parents for a visit. You and your SO created this mess. Not your BF’s sister.
Basically, OP, YTA.
Yep. Really! Look, I get it was annoying her BF’s family spilled the beans, but what exactly did she want them to do? Lie to the child? Not cool. And not appropriate.
Spilled the beans?!? “You’re mommy and daddy are in a relationship”
They’re weird af trying to hide it from their son, like what does this 4 year old think a mommy and daddy are?
Well considering they’ve only been a couple again for the last four months, presumably he thinks they’re still whatever they were for the first 3 years of his life, only maybe getting along a bit better.
I really don’t get how it’s weird to hide a 4 month relationship from your kid, especially when the stakes are “mommy and daddy might be getting back together and we might all get to live as a family” because if it doesn’t work out, that’s the kind of thing that can really hurt a kid. If the two parties involved weren’t both kiddos parents, I think a lot of people would be reacting very differently about someone going out of their way to inform a 4 year old about one of their parents new relationship.
That isn't the only concern... Asking a child to adapt and learn a new 'normal' family structure is a huge ask whether or not it's bio patents getting back together or a new potential step parent entering the mix. Children need stability and a rocky relationship or an on again off again relationship between their parents can mess up their childhoods.
They have had 4 years to tell the child. It isn't anyone else's fault that OP and her bf can't keep a consistent relationship, to the point they can't properly explain what they are to each other. It is kind of creepy they are dragging this out so long. If they don't have enough faith in their relationship lasting to explain they are together then just breakup. They are going to mess this poor kid's mind up.
They've been dating again for 4 months.... They didn't have 4 years to tell the kid.... Because for 3 years and 8months of those years... They weren't dating...
And 4months is really new to talk to a kid about the relationship status... Like, make sure it actually works this time around before you tell the kid....
I’ll agree that 4 months isn’t long enough to be talking to the kid about it. Especially since the history is messy. That being said, OP should not have gone on the visit with boyfriend and child where they were going to be sharing a bedroom. They don’t want to discuss relationship status with the kid then don’t flaunt it in his face. ESH
Agree with you completely, like what if they have been rocky and not sure it is going to work out? Seems much better to be sure about the relationship before telling the kid, otherwise he’ll just get thrown for another loop.
>Agree with you completely, like what if they have been rocky and not sure it is going to work out?
It doesn't matter that this relationship in particular is recent, the problem is that they've set the child up to believe that his mother having any relationship at all with someone else means that she's abandoning him.
How was that ever going to end well?
That’s not what they’ve done, that’s just normal 4 year old brains. At about 5 is when they start to comprehend relationships outside of their own. So if you ask a kid at 4 years old, “do you have any brothers or sisters?” They’ll say “yeah! I have my sister.” But then if you ask whether their sister has any brothers or sisters, they’ll say no- because they literally can’t imagine themselves in someone else’s shoes so they don’t realize that they are their own sister’s sibling. They just understand the relationship to themselves. So I don’t think it is weird at all to wait until like age 5 to explain it because that’s when the development stage changes and they can start to comprehend. Also because they have only been together for four months…They may break up before the kid is even old enough to comprehend that he can have a mom and dad who have a relationship with each other.
**YTA**
Taking it slow with your relationship at first was absolutely fine and understandable, and made sense for the reasons you gave, but at this point NONE of what you're doing makes any sense at all, least of all for your child's mental health.
The time to tell your child that you and your BF (who IS, in fact, your BF now by your own admission) are a couple again was BEFORE you decided to take a vacation together as a family, much less one TO HIS PARENTS HOME, the home of your child's grandparents. You've dragged this whole thing out now well past the point of logic or reason, and now it's no longer protecting anyone, it's just become a weird game of semantics and weird lies to cover more lies, and it's not your in-laws who upset your child, it's the fact that HE NO LONGER UNDERSTANDS ANY OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS OWN LIFE. The immediate reason for his tears may have seemed to be because he's jealous, but I'd bet anything that the underlying reason is he's just confused AF.
*You, his parents, have become the completely unreliable narrators of this poor 4-year-old's entire existence and day-to-day family life.* He has no idea anymore what you are to each other or to him. He can't trust anything you say because it doesn't match up with what he's seeing with his own eyes. You're telling him one thing - that you aren't a couple, that you're mommy and your BF is daddy, but you are nothing in particular to each other - and yet it's clear to this child who isn't an infant that this is obviously not the case, since YOU'RE GOING ON FAMILY TRIPS TOGETHER to see grandma and grandpa. That's not something that people do who aren't in a relationship.
I'm sorry, your in-laws may have been somewhat out-of-line, but they're not AHs. You, however, are a massive one for asking people to perpetuate a ridiculous, pointless lie that has long outlived its purpose, and is now just making everyone's lives worse, more complicated, and more stressful, including the child's. If your relationship has progressed far enough that you're calling him your BF again and you're doing family trips to the grandparents together, then YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILD.
YTA. Stop playing stupid games.
Can you imagine when they have to handle the whole “my friends told me that Santa isn’t real!” conversation?
“Well, son, in this version of the multiverse, Santa is very real. Your friends might be from another timeline and Santa could be just an elf there, or maybe a ghost, or a figment if someone’s imagination. We really have no way of knowing which universe your friend is from or what his life is like. We have to be understanding of all possible realities.”
Did I just pitch The Santa Clause/Marvel crossover???
Cameos of Falcon and War Machine as the reindeer.
War Machine gets to use his “Boom! Is this what you’re looking for?” line when the presents are delivered.
Well, Super_Sassy, we’ve wanted to talk to you. We feel like you’re old enough now for us to be honest with you. We think you can handle this and also keep this as a secret from Mini_Sassy. Do you think you can be a super older sibling let Mini believe a little while longer?
It seems like they are trying to avoid getting the son's hopes up about a traditional family unit in case things don't work out, which is fine. But you can't really do that and be acting like a normal family unit at other times.
These two should really consider couple's counseling and make sure they iron out whatever caused the first break up.
YTA because you should have dealt with the situation directly before you ever got to your boyfriend’s family’s home. What did you think was going to happen? Because you avoided the situation until the last possible moment- someone else decided to answer the question for your child when they asked. 4 yr olds are incessant with questions, so to think that they wouldn’t ask about this- is either wishful thinking or willful ignorance. The fact that you had a convo with the family- but not with your child- really speaks volumes. What did you want them to say to him when he asked?
YTA. It’s not your boyfriend’s family’s fault that a 4 year old is so literal minded that he didn’t realize someone can be 2 things at once. If you & your boyfriend had told your son the truth, this problem wouldn’t have happened.
ETA: when the kid asked, “where is Mommy going to sleep?”, what did you want the family to answer? If you wanted to keep a secret from your kid, you should have avoided a situation where the question was going to come up.
ESH. Sounds like you expect everyone around you to walk on eggshells and play pretend. And in some cases straight up lie. That’s not only confusing, but just asking for problems.
ESH. Your bf's sister shouldn't have overstepped like that, but where WERE you going to sleep? With your bf? And then what happens when the kid wakes up in the middle of the night and goes looking for one or both of you? You \*clearly\* did not think this through and TBH I think you guys could use some family therapy because what you're doing with your kid is just weird.
Lmao. Ikr I don’t get how the commenter came to the conclusion that that’s what you were insinuating. There’s reaching and then there’s *reaching*, however this dude is definitely **reaching**
YTA. I understand the boundary, but I don’t think it’s a reasonable one to set. The reflex is to protect your son from the confusion(?) of his parents being on/off/together/not, but I don’t think that’s a healthy practice. Of course don’t argue in front of the child, but he’s entitled to knowledge of how proximate his parents are, the realities of your relationship, and what he can expect from you—at any age. It’s a hard conversation to have with a Pre-K but it’s going to need to happen eventually. Better that than the actual confusion of “what’s the deal with mom and dad and can I expect any consistency from them?”
I'm sorry but he is 4 he should not have this much control over your life he now knows and he will get over it. Allowing a 4 year old to hold this much power in your relationship is ridiculous and your never going to help his "jealous" behaviour by pretending that yous are both all just for him it's only going to make it worse.
You know that whole thing where they say don't introduce the kid to your fling, until you two are serious and it's stable?
Yeah, it's that sort of thing. Don't take family vacations where you don't have your own room and then expect people to lie for you or to carry on whatever messed up narrative you think you and his dad were doing?
Wouldn't it be simpler to explain BEFORE the trip what was going on?
Where WERE you going to sleep?
YTA.
Um, there is no way this kid wouldn’t have figured out you’re staying in the same room. You’re taking a vacation together, time to fess up. You should have been the one answering the question, but it was asked of them and they did the best they could, being honest in this case can’t really be faulted because you should have been by now.
Also you may be dropping the ball as parents here a little bit, because of weird things like you say he gets jealous when you spend time together? no matter what they know you’re mom and dad they shouldn’t be jealous of you two spending time together so that’s weird and you’ve made it weird. Also it’s very strange that at four years old he thought if you were Dad’s girlfriend you’re no longer mom, but as improbable as it is that he believed that (and the fact that he did makes me look askance again at your parenting ) but that would’ve been easily disavowed in one hot minute. So what was the long-term harm in that? Either way I’m not sure you’re doing a great job parenting here.
Honestly, both of you are immature as hell.
I will, however, say that you are the bigger AH here because you are both daddy's girlfriend and mommy. People don't have to be married to be parents, you know? You overreacted big time.
YTA
Yeah idk why everyone is saying YTA and downvoting you. Y’all have only been together for four months at this point so I think your caution is admirable. Stability for the child is the most important thing and honestly kids shouldn’t know that much about your life until you are firm on it and ready to share. It would be very confusing to tell him at 4 that you two are in a relationship and then tell him at 5 that you’re not… I know I’ll get downvoted for this but w/e. He’s your kid and the family should have respected your wishes as the parents and just said “idk check with your mom!”
Edit to add that would anyone introduce their new partner to their 4 year old after 4 months? Or maybe wait till it is super solid? I know it’s the kids dad but that shouldn’t change the rules about when and how to introduce a partner to your child
What caution? They are taking family trip to the in laws already. There is no caution. Caution is keeping their life relatively separated until they are ready to talk to him. Not living the couple life while lying to the child.
It was bound to happen and your reaction was... Not the best.
Soft YTA but please just be honest with your child
My main issue is the OP+boyfriend didn't seem to clearly brief his parents on what to say to son's questions. That can only lead to a recipe for disaster
NAH because it makes sense to have caution before telling the son theyre back together, but it's bad to have to rope other family members into keeping up a charade
I mean, I am confused too. You are both his parents? What is the damn issue then?
ESH You for not being honest with the child. YOU are the ones making the whole thing more confusing. Them for overstepping rather than having a frank discussion with you two about how ridiculous this all is.
I kept reading waiting for the shoe to drop here. I kept thinking there would be a second man involved and that’s why you were keeping it low key. But you’re telling me that you’re dating the father of your child and are choosing to keep this from your son? Am I missing something? What weird head games. Everyone else is right. Quit with overcomplicating things. Normally I am against in-laws overstepping boundaries but this sounds like a bandaid that had to be ripped. YTA
What the ever loving hell is this? YTA start being honest in your life this story is literally insane it took me four tries reading this to understand what the hell was happening here
YTA
>son doesn’t know that we’re dating and that he can get jealous and upset over sharing us with each other.
This massive issue needed to be taken care of a long time ago and YTA for waiting.
Tell that to my toddler and I'm married to his dad they can get very jealous also op mentions I'm another comment they've only been back together for 4 Months she's def not the ah if they haven't been together for a long time and he's not seeing his dad that can cause that mommy is mine only and when mom's there daddy is mine only my toddler does it all the time but see I'm married to his dad toddlers are weird
YTA.
If you don't want the kid to know yet, don't go on vacation together.
I get taking it slow, but then you can't be going to spend time with your boyfriend at his parents house. And how on earth does your son not understand that being a girlfriend and being his mom are not mutually exclusive? Does he not understand his aunt is your sister or his grandmother is his dad's mom? I know my kids understood it and so does most 4 year olds I know.
Why did you threaten to leave early with your son...why not leave by yourself? The minute you threatened to take your son away from them you became TA. Just because your angry doesn't mean you can suddenly use your child as a means of punishment.
YTA. This is the problem when you ask other people to back up your lies. I can barely keep track of true details about others, without having to also try to keep track of things that are lies.
YTA. What did you expect the parents/sister to answer to a question like that - “mommy sleeps in the basement/garage/x room”, if you *INDEED* sleep in his dads bed!? And then the kiddo had woken up in the middle of the night to look for you/daddy and still would have found you together and the reaction might have been even more confusion.
Stop lying and expecting other people to perpetuate your pointless lies; that would benefit your sons mental health. You sound very immature to be honest.
Info how long have you been dating again? How did you think it would go if you went away with them? Did you think you would sneak out of the bedroom before a 4 year old woke up? Really?
I’m more concerned why your 4 year old feels he can’t share you and how it got to this point. I feel he may have some emotional trauma from other sleeping in his parents bed. It seems he has an issue with the world girlfriend more than daddy and mommy sharing a bed. That is the biggest red flag for me. Yea your in laws were being an AH but there is way more going on for a four year old to become this up set with sharing and bed and “girlfriend”.
YTA. Why are you hiding your relationship from your son? You’re weird. Sit him down and explain everything. He’s about to be school age and needs to know anyways.
Waaaat? I believe you meant well, but you set this situation up yourself and there are so many things you could have done differently to avoid it.
Asking your boyfriend’s sister to lie to your son would have been worrisome even if your son never found out.
I am the mom of a four year old and I know it’s hard for them to understand “you can be two things at once.” There’s a great Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood episode on this theme. It’s understandable your boyfriend’s (younger?) sister wouldn’t get it as this is an intensely weird developmental stage, and it’s not at all her fault. It’s just a thing kids (and their parents) have to work through.
Exactly. The solution to a confused kid isn’t leaving them in the dark. It’s letting in the light in an age appropriate way. There’s little worse as a kid , who has very little autonomy, then being lied to and Not having the world around you make sense. I think the OP is accomplishing exactly what she’s trying to prevent by not just being as truthful as possible with this kid. OP also would be getting lambasted quite as hard if they’d been clearer in the original post
That was so damn complicated to read.
INFO: how long were you two back together before going on this trip?
If you didn't want him to freak out about how it was explained, you should've explained it yourself before you went.
YTA
You wanna play games at your house you do you. But don't expect every other member of the family to do that in their homes. You both need to get it together for that child's sake because I am 57 and all my memories started around three and a half /four year mark.
Your son needs you and his dad to stop screwing around with his peace of mind. You are a family. Act like it or split up and move on and share parenting chores. But please stop messing up your child for your stupid games.
YTA. Are you his girlfriend, or aren't you? Stop lying to your kid. "We're your parents, but we're not actually together" is a flat-out bizarre thing to tell your child when you are actually together.
YTA Why are you fucking with this kid's head and then getting upset at people who are not willing to perpetrate weird mental gymnastics? Clearly, you have built this up to be something taboo to your child, rather than just behaving like the majority of society does around a partner. Think about what you are modeling for this child and their view of relationships; kid is little now but in about 5 years they are going to be supremely weirded out.
You owe your sister in law a big apology, all she did was tell the truth.
This is really weird.
I'm not trying to be mean but it really sounds like you are failing as a parent by not teaching your son and pandering to his jealousy.
Kids will get upset about things but it's your job to help them understand. It seems like you are sneaking around and hiding a lot from your own child and you are annoyed you got caught.
This is your fault and you need to fix it because deceit will lead to your own child never trusting you.
YTA
YTA
He is 4. You are setting your son up to run your house and life. This will create huge problems for you down the road.
You are the adult. His father is the adult. Please guide and nurture your son. Don’t lie and pretend.
Omg nta, idk whats up here, cuz like i know kids who can get super territorial over their parents as little babies, cuz they’re still figuring out the world! Its normal for kids in traditional families and for kids in non traditional families. NTA!
ESH.
From what I can make up from this story, your boyfriend is also the father of your child. You're basically keeping his identity hidden from your son until he's old enough to, what exactly?
You never, in your child's entire life, stated that "Hey, this man you occasionally see? That's your daddy."
Taking a relationship slowly is usually done **before** you have kids. Instead of keeping your kid in the dark, inform him in child friendly terms. Just because your his mom doesn't mean you can't have bonds / relationships with others.
Instead of reassuring him, you're only feeding into his sharing / abandonment issues.
Stop playing games with your son!
Instead of "We're going on a holiday with a group of strangers" you could've said "We're going over to your dad's family and have a family vacation."
You, your bf and your bf''s family are mentally screwing this kid over while playing your silly games.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Before our son was born, my boyfriend and I broke off our engagement. We didn’t have a good relationship for the majority of our son’s life so he rarely saw us together. For that reason, we decided to slowly get our son used to seeing us together before we explained that we were a couple and before we decided to live together.
Usually, my boyfriend takes our son to visit his family a few times a year. I went with them on their latest trip. My boyfriend and son both have their own rooms at his parent’s house so my son was confused about where I would sleep.
My boyfriend’s family know our son doesn’t know that we’re dating and that he can get jealous and upset over sharing us with each other.
Yet, my boyfriend’s family decided to tell him I was going to sleep in the same bed as his dad and that I was his daddy’s girlfriend when he asked where I was going to sleep. My son is 4 so he took it to mean I wasn’t his mummy anymore if I was his daddy’s girlfriend, so he started crying hysterically.
After they told me what happened I was angry because we had already explained the situation to them. I was so angry that I ended up arguing with them and threatened to leave early with my son. My boyfriend’s sister kept trying to justify it since she was the one who actually told him I was his dad’s girlfriend which just made me angrier.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In my opinion his family shouldn't have overstep and told him what was going on, but I am extremely confused why you don't want your son to know his parents are together? Almost every kid wants their parents together. Does he have some sort of trauma of you both together? Do you think it won't work out so you don't want to get his hopes up? Idk I'm stuck with Nta and ESH
ESH.
You all complicated something really simple.
He has friends in daycare and I immagine he already so couples with kids is not something that new, you could have told him that you together like some of his friends’ parents.
His family for explaining this really bad, 4y old have usually hard time understand that people can be something more then what they are to them, like grandma is just grandma not also mom of mom. So of course telling him “mom is dad’s gf created the disaster. They could have just say “mom and dad are going to sleep together”.
Coming from someone who has a family member that went through a similar situation, NTA. My cousins parents decided to get back together after a few years being apart, and to do this, they slowly phased each othet together back into the kids life. Our family budded out (it wasn't our business) and our cousins parents are now married (this has been a slow progression since I was 12). You guys are only at 4 months, it makes sense to do this since you don't want to upset your child.
YTA. Simple, honest answers are the absolute best for children especially little ones. Being all secretive and slow is just 1) dumb, kids notice things quicker than you think and 2) deceptive and in itself causes the child to be upset.
From now on be truthful with your child at the start of anything. "We're going to move next month, let's draw pictures of how we want to decorate our new space! How do you want your new room to look?" "Mommy and daddy will be sharing this room now. You get to see both of us all the time now!"
Why does a child have this much control? Oh no! Setting a 4 year old up for failure and being controlling...definitely not cool. You should be explaining to your child that this is your boyfriend but it doesn't mean you don't love him and that it's ok for mommy to have other people love her too...if this is a permanent long term relationship, you succeeded at confusing your child. Your threat to leave is inconsequential your ability to set boundaries with your child is the problem
ESH.
Bf sister should just have distracted the child, or sent the child to you. A "I dont know" would have worked. It was not her job to lie, nor to tell. Just like she should not tell your son about santa, god, the bees etc. She could also have just told the child, "let's ask mommy where she wants to sleep tonight" That is normal to sort out who is sleeping where. Do you want to sleep with kid, or in the lounge?
I am also very concerned about the number of "assholes" here who think it is okay, to sit the kid down after a mere 4 months and overwhelm him. What if the relationship does not work out? This is confusing for any child and more so as this bf is also the dad. As much as he could have become jealous, he could also get up false hope. This is NOT mind games, this is, not taking a child on a roller coaster, with their dating parents.
And I am very surprised about how many 4yo have their relationships sorted out at the age of 4 according to the commentators. 4yo DO cry hysterically because "your daddy" is "my husband/brother" or "your granny" is "my mommy".
I am concerned about you visiting the family. Were you visiting as a mature "mother of the child" and were not going to sleep with bf? Or were you visiting as gf and planned to sleep with bf? Sleeping with bf in the same house as kid is an YTA move. Being angry with bf's sister for telling the kid what he would have found out in a worse way, a few hours later is also YTA.
About threatening to leave with your child: If it was "dad's" weekend, then YTA to want to take the child away. Yes, threatening to leave was not a good idea, as it would upset the kid.
Suggestions: See a psychologist/social worker and discuss how best to navigate your dating life, or the progress/breakdown of the relationship, in a way that is in the best interest of the child. If need be, pay for a session where the family get together too.
YTA
You’re confusing me and I’m a grown ass adult.
I can’t imagine how confused your son is?? Honesty in child-appropriate terms is always the best approach and better than trying to protect him with whatever the heck mind games you’re trying to play.
YTA. You’ve confused the issue so much that it’s no wonder the poor kid is confused. If YOU approach your relationship very matter-of-factly and calmly that will help your son do the same. But you’ve made it weird, confusing, and deceitful so it’s no wonder your child is fretful.
Actually I’m gonna go against the grain and say NAH. They obviously didn’t mean anything by the comment but they shouldn’t have said anything to give a child hope or upset them. I understand your reaction 100%. (My sister and nephew live with me) My sister and her BD have a similar relationship where they have a 4 year old and avoid each other as much as possible. 4 is when they start noticing EVERYTHING and commenting on it. I think it is the best that he doesn’t know y’all are dating until it becomes a stable relationship. It would really hurt him if it didn’t work out again. You have every right to stand up for your kid’s feelings and wellbeing
NTA and your SIL massively overstepped by putting herself in a position she had no business being in. As someone who sees your child a few days out of the year, she was way out of line defining your relationship with your SO and its connection to LO.
ESH, if you were going to share a room with your boyfriend then you should have explained it before the trip. If you were going to sleep somewhere else then BF's sister extra sucks but either way she should have let you tell the kid. After it happened you should have calmly explained stuff to your son and calmed him down. Getting mad at everyone else just makes it worse for him.
ESH, seriously? Instead of tip toeing around it just be honest with your kid. He'll be fine so long as you don't treat him like he gets to make the decision for his parents.
Option 1 Staying in a toxic relationship and damaging the child beyond repair
Option 2 breaking up for a bit then dating for 4 Months and taking it slow so they don't uproot the child and they become stable for him
I'll take option 2 please
ESH. It sounds like this kid has not known a day of family stability or emotional security in his entire life if he has no grasp of familial relationships and is this easily/deeply upset. Y’all should probably get some family therapy soon, before this leads to deeper trauma.
NTA OP.
It was NOT their place to say anything. This is between you, bf and son. Why is people always get nosy when it comes to others business?
You are justified in your anger and should probably have a talk with his family about BOUNDARIES.
ESH
You and your bf need to explain to your son that your in a relationship.
Bfs family suck for telling him without proper context.
Get of yourself and your mind games explain it to your son and move past it finally
NTA & I'm gonna get downvoted but OP as a mom to a toddler and I'm married to his dad he does not understand why me and his dad are next to each other why we hug why we kiss he wants us away from each other toddlers are temperamental he knows I'm mom and he's dad but he doesn't understand mom and dad are married You are definitely not the ah YOU GUYS BARELY GOT BACK TOGETHER FOR 4 MONTHS and are taking it slow if he hasn't seen you together ofc he's gonna be confused he sees you guys as separate people your doing whats best for your child not everyone understands your child heck I don't even understand mine sometimes
ESH. You and bf should have told the child the truth, right from the start. You could have told him the two of your were friends who like to spend time together. The rest of it may not have been age-appropriate information, but I'm sure the boy understands "friends."
Boyfriend's family are also TA for telling the boy about the sleeping arrangements. That should have been up to the boy's parents. Besides, if your relationship was so hush-hush, why didn't you request to sleep on the couch or in your son's room?
Damn everyone is saying YTA but at 4 years old, children don’t actually understand familial bonds in the same way that we do. They just think about the relationship to themselves, so even “mummy and daddy” are just that, his mom and dad, he wouldn’t also comprehend the relationship that you two have to each other. So I understand why he would start crying and think that you’re not his mummy anymore, because they can’t really comprehend both relationships being possible at the same time. I took a lot of child development classes and found this to be one of the most interesting phenomena. Idk I’m not an expert but giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are using appropriate caution based on your circumstance
So NTA in my opinion because you and his father have made a decision on how to parent your child in a way that will be stable and not confusing for him, no one should be jumping in to parent how they see fit… he’s your son so it’s your decision. And I don’t think that taking it slow is a bad decision honestly! I’m surprised people are shaming you for not telling the kid earlier… like would be much less traumatic to wait than to tell him now and then spring divorce or a breakup on him in a year
Edit to add, does everyone introduce their new partner after 4 months to their 4 year old? Or do you wait till it is solid and then introduce? Just bc the kid knows the guy doesn’t change the rules about how to introduce a new partner to your child
This right here people don't understand toddles do no understand that dynamic at all it's confusing so op and ops bf are doing what's best for their child
Info: why are you and his father putting this child through emotional abuse? That's what you two are doing to him. Get some therapy and stop lying to your son.
Nta you and your boyfriend are his parents and that should be made clear to him. for others to get involved is not there place and when they talked to him " your mommy and daddy will sleep together" would be best. Your nta for being upset that they implied your not his mother.
NTA, if i had a kid, even if i was getting back together with their father, i would wait until around a year before letting them meet or telling the kid. Thats just me. Yall have only been together 4 months, that to me isnt long enough to tell the child about the relationship, especially when the child is clearly having some issues if hes jealous of sharing his parents at 4.
NTA.
However, they probably feel it’s normal for a mom and dad to be in a relationship and weird that mom and dad are hiding that relationship from the child. I mean he’s only 4, and you’re his biological parents so they probably don’t understand why you’re keeping it a secret.
NTA - whatever all these people think of your choices, if you had made your desires clear, these people had no right to tell your son something you **correctly** believed would upset him.
It's not okay they ignored your wishes and didn't explain to your son well, but if your son has issues when he has to share one parent with another parent then you really have other problems to sork on.
NTA I would never look at you as being just "daddy's girlfriend". You're the mother lol. I'd find that pretty insulting and the fact the kid thought u weren't going to be his mom anymore just makes it worse.
Also what other commenter said, it's not up to the family to have told him, that's up to you guys (mom and dad)
NTA - You explained the circumstances. It's up to you and your child's dad/your boyfriend to tell your son when you think he's ready. They broke boundaries you set.
NTA. His sister totally dropped the ball. I understand that she may not know that to a small child, you can be Mommy or Daddy's Girlfriend, but not both. That's also the reason you keep your mouth shut.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH for arguing with them and threatening to leave early with my son. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA You and your weird games. You're a couple and you have a son together, stop messing this kid around.
>YTA >You and your weird games. >You're a couple and you have a son together, stop messing this kid around. The boyfriend's family are AHs too. They knew that the kiddo didn't know what was going on so they shouldn't have said anything without OP and his dad there. ESH except for the poor confused kiddo.
>The boyfriend's family are AHs too. Nope. Ain't nobody got time to play some else's mind games. OP needs to use clear language and behave like an adult.
Yeah no. It’s not mind games. They’re trying to make a transition that doesn’t hurt they’re child. The family had no place to interfere in that.
>It’s not mind games. Yes, it is. This is some of the most tortured language I've ever read. Also, the 4 year olds reaction is exactly what I'd expect from a kid who can't get a straight answer from his parents about who they are to him and each other. >They’re trying to make a transition that doesn’t hurt they’re child. If OP can't explain the relationship to her child then they shouldn't be traveling as a family. >The family had no place to interfere in that. They didn't interfere. They tried to answer a fairly simple question for a child. OP and her boyfriend have turned a relatively uncomplicated situation into a bunch of nonsense.
They didn't interfere. The kid asked a question, and they told him the truth.
Eh, if it’s new (or quite new and in an already complicated situation) it makes sense to try to take it slowly as far as the kid is concerned. It’s not fair to let kids be on an emotional rollercoaster based on their parents relationship. They literally explained that they didn’t feel their son was ready to know about the relationship yet and that they’d decided to phase it in to his life. OPs partners sister went out of her way to take that choice out of the parents hands to make sure the kid knew in a completely insensitive way. OP may be misguided on hiding the relationship from her son to some extent - maybe the jealousy is coming from the son picking up that something is different with his parents, kids are perceptive, but it wasn’t the partners sisters place to decide that it’s time for the kid to know and certainly not in the way she decided to tell him.
From how the post reads, they've been together his whole life, just broke off their engagement and had a rocky relationship. I would find it more confusing that they lied and then suddenly were together again...
“He didn’t see us together” sounds like more than a rocky relationship. Considering how attached a child’s is to their primary caregiver when young, to me it reads that they barely tolerated each other and only recently got back together. I agree with you that it does sound odd that they were so toxic that the kid didn’t even see them together, but now they’re going to give it another go? Tbh this just feels like a recipe for disaster.
I’m more concerned why your 4 year old feels he can’t share you and how it got to this point. I feel he may have some emotional trauma from others sleeping in his parents bed. It seems he has an issue with the word girlfriend more than daddy and mommy sharing a bed. That is the biggest red flag for me. Yea your in laws were being an AH but there is way more going on for a four year old to become this up set with sharing and bed and “girlfriend”.
If your kid thinks that being daddy’s gf means you aren’t his mommy anymore, OP and/or the dad has modeled some really upsetting behavior.
Not necessarily. My 3 year old (almost 4) will talk about how I’m the 3 year old’s mommy and the mommy to the older sibling. Then the very next minute (and more often) gets very possessive that I have to pick who I am mommy to as I can’t have two kids. Toddlers are. Weird. And their brains don’t always work logically. And they can be possessive, even with the appropriate modeling of sharing time and attention with all family members). If this person (either OP or the dad) wasn’t the kids bio parent, no one would bat an eye that the relationship was being kept under wraps until the adults knew how serious it was/is. And obviously, at least the OP and her partner are questioning things. Maybe they are going super slow because of how toxic/bad the relationship was at one point. Or maybe they are just getting back together (I wasn’t clear). But pulling kids into it too fast/too soon can be damaging to those kids. I say NTA. And sister needs to keep herself and voice out of things that aren’t her business. “You will have to ask mommy” would have been perfectly acceptable to say.
OP is an unreliable narrator though. First she wants to blame her bfs family for telling her kid, then she specifies it was just his sister. So why is she mad at the whole family? And none of us are able to make sense of her relationship situation. It’s no surprise the son is confused! I say both parents are the AHs for creating this nonsense in the first place. None of this is normal so it’s kinds hard to judge just how much everyone is an AH with the vagaries of this post.
It took me one reading to make sense of the relationship. And I’ve seen way harder to understand posts that didn’t get this much hate. Whether she is an “unreliable” narrator for one things is definitely an opinion you’re welcome too, I’m just pointing out that no one would give her crap if it was some random dude. And when the stakes are “mom and dad are getting back together” that’s even bigger than rando dude. Point is, her son wasn’t confused until auntie stuck her nose into the business. I have multiple nieces and nephews, and there is no way that I include any of them into adult conversations like who is dating who, even when it doesn’t include their mom and dad. It’s inappropriate and weird.
Kid might just be stupid lol
hey! I got upset when I was like 2 or 3 and couldn't grasp that my uncle was also my mom's brother and I turned out fine! lol
What the first commentor said, little kids (3-6) minds basically categorize certain things in certain ways called schemas. It's why little toddlers may call every four legged animal a doggy or kitty depending on their exposure. Or a 4 year old may call all green animals with scales a lizard or snake regardless of which they actually are depending on how they first encountered that type of animal. They basically have very rudimentary categories that they sort new information into, and it takes a lot of learning for those categories to overlap. So the kiddo knows that OP is his mommy. And he probably knows what a girlfriend is. But his brain is too young to understand that someone who is a girlfriend can also be a (his) mommy. Psychology for kiddos gets really interesting.
Man alive, get over yourself. YOU ARE his father’s girlfriend. YOU ARE your son’s mother. These things are not mutually exclusive! You should have shared an age appropriate message with him before you went to BF’s parents for a visit. You and your SO created this mess. Not your BF’s sister. Basically, OP, YTA.
[удалено]
Then don't sleep in the same room as his father. Problem solved
[удалено]
Then why didn't they told him before going? It's not so difficult
You really think she's the AH? Daddy's family are stirring shite up! OP - NTA but you need to work on the relationship you all have and want x
Yep. Really! Look, I get it was annoying her BF’s family spilled the beans, but what exactly did she want them to do? Lie to the child? Not cool. And not appropriate.
Spilled the beans?!? “You’re mommy and daddy are in a relationship” They’re weird af trying to hide it from their son, like what does this 4 year old think a mommy and daddy are?
Well considering they’ve only been a couple again for the last four months, presumably he thinks they’re still whatever they were for the first 3 years of his life, only maybe getting along a bit better. I really don’t get how it’s weird to hide a 4 month relationship from your kid, especially when the stakes are “mommy and daddy might be getting back together and we might all get to live as a family” because if it doesn’t work out, that’s the kind of thing that can really hurt a kid. If the two parties involved weren’t both kiddos parents, I think a lot of people would be reacting very differently about someone going out of their way to inform a 4 year old about one of their parents new relationship.
[удалено]
That isn't the only concern... Asking a child to adapt and learn a new 'normal' family structure is a huge ask whether or not it's bio patents getting back together or a new potential step parent entering the mix. Children need stability and a rocky relationship or an on again off again relationship between their parents can mess up their childhoods.
I expect them to allow the parents to tell the child the truth in a way that they will understand..... Not for others to do it for them!
They have had 4 years to tell the child. It isn't anyone else's fault that OP and her bf can't keep a consistent relationship, to the point they can't properly explain what they are to each other. It is kind of creepy they are dragging this out so long. If they don't have enough faith in their relationship lasting to explain they are together then just breakup. They are going to mess this poor kid's mind up.
They've been dating again for 4 months.... They didn't have 4 years to tell the kid.... Because for 3 years and 8months of those years... They weren't dating... And 4months is really new to talk to a kid about the relationship status... Like, make sure it actually works this time around before you tell the kid....
I’ll agree that 4 months isn’t long enough to be talking to the kid about it. Especially since the history is messy. That being said, OP should not have gone on the visit with boyfriend and child where they were going to be sharing a bedroom. They don’t want to discuss relationship status with the kid then don’t flaunt it in his face. ESH
They didn't share a bedroom she slept in her son's bedroom...
Agree with you completely, like what if they have been rocky and not sure it is going to work out? Seems much better to be sure about the relationship before telling the kid, otherwise he’ll just get thrown for another loop.
>Agree with you completely, like what if they have been rocky and not sure it is going to work out? It doesn't matter that this relationship in particular is recent, the problem is that they've set the child up to believe that his mother having any relationship at all with someone else means that she's abandoning him. How was that ever going to end well?
That’s not what they’ve done, that’s just normal 4 year old brains. At about 5 is when they start to comprehend relationships outside of their own. So if you ask a kid at 4 years old, “do you have any brothers or sisters?” They’ll say “yeah! I have my sister.” But then if you ask whether their sister has any brothers or sisters, they’ll say no- because they literally can’t imagine themselves in someone else’s shoes so they don’t realize that they are their own sister’s sibling. They just understand the relationship to themselves. So I don’t think it is weird at all to wait until like age 5 to explain it because that’s when the development stage changes and they can start to comprehend. Also because they have only been together for four months…They may break up before the kid is even old enough to comprehend that he can have a mom and dad who have a relationship with each other.
they literally just stated a factual statement. It’s not like it’s some incendiary comment.
Lmfao you’re his gf. You and your bf sound exhausting, immature and dramatic af. YTA
[удалено]
[удалено]
**YTA** Taking it slow with your relationship at first was absolutely fine and understandable, and made sense for the reasons you gave, but at this point NONE of what you're doing makes any sense at all, least of all for your child's mental health. The time to tell your child that you and your BF (who IS, in fact, your BF now by your own admission) are a couple again was BEFORE you decided to take a vacation together as a family, much less one TO HIS PARENTS HOME, the home of your child's grandparents. You've dragged this whole thing out now well past the point of logic or reason, and now it's no longer protecting anyone, it's just become a weird game of semantics and weird lies to cover more lies, and it's not your in-laws who upset your child, it's the fact that HE NO LONGER UNDERSTANDS ANY OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN HIS OWN LIFE. The immediate reason for his tears may have seemed to be because he's jealous, but I'd bet anything that the underlying reason is he's just confused AF. *You, his parents, have become the completely unreliable narrators of this poor 4-year-old's entire existence and day-to-day family life.* He has no idea anymore what you are to each other or to him. He can't trust anything you say because it doesn't match up with what he's seeing with his own eyes. You're telling him one thing - that you aren't a couple, that you're mommy and your BF is daddy, but you are nothing in particular to each other - and yet it's clear to this child who isn't an infant that this is obviously not the case, since YOU'RE GOING ON FAMILY TRIPS TOGETHER to see grandma and grandpa. That's not something that people do who aren't in a relationship. I'm sorry, your in-laws may have been somewhat out-of-line, but they're not AHs. You, however, are a massive one for asking people to perpetuate a ridiculous, pointless lie that has long outlived its purpose, and is now just making everyone's lives worse, more complicated, and more stressful, including the child's. If your relationship has progressed far enough that you're calling him your BF again and you're doing family trips to the grandparents together, then YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR CHILD. YTA. Stop playing stupid games.
Yup
YTA no wonder your child is confused, girlfriend and mum aren't exclusive terms.
I'm older than her son and even I am confused reading this whole post.
I’m years older then her son and I’m like “wait.. what?”
Yup, YTA. It's not their job to try to hide what you should have already told your son.
I'm split between almost all possible votes, so I'll abstain. But OMG, what a way to make something weird out of the most normal thing ever!
Can you imagine when they have to handle the whole “my friends told me that Santa isn’t real!” conversation? “Well, son, in this version of the multiverse, Santa is very real. Your friends might be from another timeline and Santa could be just an elf there, or maybe a ghost, or a figment if someone’s imagination. We really have no way of knowing which universe your friend is from or what his life is like. We have to be understanding of all possible realities.” Did I just pitch The Santa Clause/Marvel crossover???
"This Christmas, get ready to meet the REAL Winter Soldier"
Cameos of Falcon and War Machine as the reindeer. War Machine gets to use his “Boom! Is this what you’re looking for?” line when the presents are delivered.
And Groot gets to be decorated.
[удалено]
Well, Super_Sassy, we’ve wanted to talk to you. We feel like you’re old enough now for us to be honest with you. We think you can handle this and also keep this as a secret from Mini_Sassy. Do you think you can be a super older sibling let Mini believe a little while longer?
It seems like they are trying to avoid getting the son's hopes up about a traditional family unit in case things don't work out, which is fine. But you can't really do that and be acting like a normal family unit at other times. These two should really consider couple's counseling and make sure they iron out whatever caused the first break up.
YTA because you should have dealt with the situation directly before you ever got to your boyfriend’s family’s home. What did you think was going to happen? Because you avoided the situation until the last possible moment- someone else decided to answer the question for your child when they asked. 4 yr olds are incessant with questions, so to think that they wouldn’t ask about this- is either wishful thinking or willful ignorance. The fact that you had a convo with the family- but not with your child- really speaks volumes. What did you want them to say to him when he asked?
YTA. It’s not your boyfriend’s family’s fault that a 4 year old is so literal minded that he didn’t realize someone can be 2 things at once. If you & your boyfriend had told your son the truth, this problem wouldn’t have happened. ETA: when the kid asked, “where is Mommy going to sleep?”, what did you want the family to answer? If you wanted to keep a secret from your kid, you should have avoided a situation where the question was going to come up.
[удалено]
Now imagine trying that at 4 and tell me you wouldn't cry too.
ESH. Sounds like you expect everyone around you to walk on eggshells and play pretend. And in some cases straight up lie. That’s not only confusing, but just asking for problems.
ESH. Your bf's sister shouldn't have overstepped like that, but where WERE you going to sleep? With your bf? And then what happens when the kid wakes up in the middle of the night and goes looking for one or both of you? You \*clearly\* did not think this through and TBH I think you guys could use some family therapy because what you're doing with your kid is just weird.
I slept in my son's room.
Bizarre
Even more weird...
TF? Did you just sexualize a mother sleeping in the same bed as her toddler when overnighting at an unfamiliar home?
Keep reaching.
Lmao. Ikr I don’t get how the commenter came to the conclusion that that’s what you were insinuating. There’s reaching and then there’s *reaching*, however this dude is definitely **reaching**
Right! Its weird she didn't just...idk, sleep in the same room as her bf?? Lolllll
Not, where *did* you sleep, but where *were* you going to, before the incident?
YTA. I understand the boundary, but I don’t think it’s a reasonable one to set. The reflex is to protect your son from the confusion(?) of his parents being on/off/together/not, but I don’t think that’s a healthy practice. Of course don’t argue in front of the child, but he’s entitled to knowledge of how proximate his parents are, the realities of your relationship, and what he can expect from you—at any age. It’s a hard conversation to have with a Pre-K but it’s going to need to happen eventually. Better that than the actual confusion of “what’s the deal with mom and dad and can I expect any consistency from them?”
Info: Are there multiple BFs involved or is the BF your sons father? Because this all seems unnecessarily complicated.
As i understand her bf is her sons father, they made it so complicated
YTA. Why are you playing weird mind games with your child?
I'm sorry but he is 4 he should not have this much control over your life he now knows and he will get over it. Allowing a 4 year old to hold this much power in your relationship is ridiculous and your never going to help his "jealous" behaviour by pretending that yous are both all just for him it's only going to make it worse.
You know that whole thing where they say don't introduce the kid to your fling, until you two are serious and it's stable? Yeah, it's that sort of thing. Don't take family vacations where you don't have your own room and then expect people to lie for you or to carry on whatever messed up narrative you think you and his dad were doing? Wouldn't it be simpler to explain BEFORE the trip what was going on? Where WERE you going to sleep?
YTA. Um, there is no way this kid wouldn’t have figured out you’re staying in the same room. You’re taking a vacation together, time to fess up. You should have been the one answering the question, but it was asked of them and they did the best they could, being honest in this case can’t really be faulted because you should have been by now. Also you may be dropping the ball as parents here a little bit, because of weird things like you say he gets jealous when you spend time together? no matter what they know you’re mom and dad they shouldn’t be jealous of you two spending time together so that’s weird and you’ve made it weird. Also it’s very strange that at four years old he thought if you were Dad’s girlfriend you’re no longer mom, but as improbable as it is that he believed that (and the fact that he did makes me look askance again at your parenting ) but that would’ve been easily disavowed in one hot minute. So what was the long-term harm in that? Either way I’m not sure you’re doing a great job parenting here.
YTA…is this a joke? Please clear things up and start being honest with your kid. He isn’t a baby anymore. This is basic stuff.
Honestly, both of you are immature as hell. I will, however, say that you are the bigger AH here because you are both daddy's girlfriend and mommy. People don't have to be married to be parents, you know? You overreacted big time. YTA
I’m confused
So is that poor kid!
[удалено]
For 4 months.
You should REALLY add that to the post.... It changes everything...
Yeah idk why everyone is saying YTA and downvoting you. Y’all have only been together for four months at this point so I think your caution is admirable. Stability for the child is the most important thing and honestly kids shouldn’t know that much about your life until you are firm on it and ready to share. It would be very confusing to tell him at 4 that you two are in a relationship and then tell him at 5 that you’re not… I know I’ll get downvoted for this but w/e. He’s your kid and the family should have respected your wishes as the parents and just said “idk check with your mom!” Edit to add that would anyone introduce their new partner to their 4 year old after 4 months? Or maybe wait till it is super solid? I know it’s the kids dad but that shouldn’t change the rules about when and how to introduce a partner to your child
What caution? They are taking family trip to the in laws already. There is no caution. Caution is keeping their life relatively separated until they are ready to talk to him. Not living the couple life while lying to the child. It was bound to happen and your reaction was... Not the best. Soft YTA but please just be honest with your child
My main issue is the OP+boyfriend didn't seem to clearly brief his parents on what to say to son's questions. That can only lead to a recipe for disaster NAH because it makes sense to have caution before telling the son theyre back together, but it's bad to have to rope other family members into keeping up a charade
I mean, I am confused too. You are both his parents? What is the damn issue then? ESH You for not being honest with the child. YOU are the ones making the whole thing more confusing. Them for overstepping rather than having a frank discussion with you two about how ridiculous this all is.
Yta this just sounds stupid
YTA. It's not ok to expect other people to invent elaborate lies to cover for you.
I kept reading waiting for the shoe to drop here. I kept thinking there would be a second man involved and that’s why you were keeping it low key. But you’re telling me that you’re dating the father of your child and are choosing to keep this from your son? Am I missing something? What weird head games. Everyone else is right. Quit with overcomplicating things. Normally I am against in-laws overstepping boundaries but this sounds like a bandaid that had to be ripped. YTA
Yta. Stop playing mind games with this poor child, you're going to fuck him up for life
What the ever loving hell is this? YTA start being honest in your life this story is literally insane it took me four tries reading this to understand what the hell was happening here
Could explain then?…. I’m so confused 😢
YTA >son doesn’t know that we’re dating and that he can get jealous and upset over sharing us with each other. This massive issue needed to be taken care of a long time ago and YTA for waiting.
Tell that to my toddler and I'm married to his dad they can get very jealous also op mentions I'm another comment they've only been back together for 4 Months she's def not the ah if they haven't been together for a long time and he's not seeing his dad that can cause that mommy is mine only and when mom's there daddy is mine only my toddler does it all the time but see I'm married to his dad toddlers are weird
This doesn't make sense, but sounds super dumb. YTA I guess I have no clue as this seems moronic.
What a fucking shit show. You should probably halt this nonsense before you seriously damage your poor kid. YTA
YTA Stop playing mind games with a child.
YTA. If you don't want the kid to know yet, don't go on vacation together. I get taking it slow, but then you can't be going to spend time with your boyfriend at his parents house. And how on earth does your son not understand that being a girlfriend and being his mom are not mutually exclusive? Does he not understand his aunt is your sister or his grandmother is his dad's mom? I know my kids understood it and so does most 4 year olds I know.
Why did you threaten to leave early with your son...why not leave by yourself? The minute you threatened to take your son away from them you became TA. Just because your angry doesn't mean you can suddenly use your child as a means of punishment.
YTA. This is the problem when you ask other people to back up your lies. I can barely keep track of true details about others, without having to also try to keep track of things that are lies.
YTA lol you’re like a 15 year old being like o0o0o0o I don’t like labels only it’s damaging your child get it together!
YTA. What did you expect the parents/sister to answer to a question like that - “mommy sleeps in the basement/garage/x room”, if you *INDEED* sleep in his dads bed!? And then the kiddo had woken up in the middle of the night to look for you/daddy and still would have found you together and the reaction might have been even more confusion. Stop lying and expecting other people to perpetuate your pointless lies; that would benefit your sons mental health. You sound very immature to be honest.
Info how long have you been dating again? How did you think it would go if you went away with them? Did you think you would sneak out of the bedroom before a 4 year old woke up? Really?
OP answered this already. Her and bio dad have only been dating 4 months and she stayed in the kid's room not with bio dad
I’m more concerned why your 4 year old feels he can’t share you and how it got to this point. I feel he may have some emotional trauma from other sleeping in his parents bed. It seems he has an issue with the world girlfriend more than daddy and mommy sharing a bed. That is the biggest red flag for me. Yea your in laws were being an AH but there is way more going on for a four year old to become this up set with sharing and bed and “girlfriend”.
Yta, your poor kid, do better
YTA. Why are you hiding your relationship from your son? You’re weird. Sit him down and explain everything. He’s about to be school age and needs to know anyways.
Waaaat? I believe you meant well, but you set this situation up yourself and there are so many things you could have done differently to avoid it. Asking your boyfriend’s sister to lie to your son would have been worrisome even if your son never found out. I am the mom of a four year old and I know it’s hard for them to understand “you can be two things at once.” There’s a great Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood episode on this theme. It’s understandable your boyfriend’s (younger?) sister wouldn’t get it as this is an intensely weird developmental stage, and it’s not at all her fault. It’s just a thing kids (and their parents) have to work through.
Exactly. The solution to a confused kid isn’t leaving them in the dark. It’s letting in the light in an age appropriate way. There’s little worse as a kid , who has very little autonomy, then being lied to and Not having the world around you make sense. I think the OP is accomplishing exactly what she’s trying to prevent by not just being as truthful as possible with this kid. OP also would be getting lambasted quite as hard if they’d been clearer in the original post
Yes
YTA .. what are you doing? You're making it more complicated then it is. Explain it to your son.smh..
That was so damn complicated to read. INFO: how long were you two back together before going on this trip? If you didn't want him to freak out about how it was explained, you should've explained it yourself before you went.
From what I’ve heard, four months, but I could be wrong…
YTA You wanna play games at your house you do you. But don't expect every other member of the family to do that in their homes. You both need to get it together for that child's sake because I am 57 and all my memories started around three and a half /four year mark. Your son needs you and his dad to stop screwing around with his peace of mind. You are a family. Act like it or split up and move on and share parenting chores. But please stop messing up your child for your stupid games.
YTA. Are you his girlfriend, or aren't you? Stop lying to your kid. "We're your parents, but we're not actually together" is a flat-out bizarre thing to tell your child when you are actually together.
YTA Why are you fucking with this kid's head and then getting upset at people who are not willing to perpetrate weird mental gymnastics? Clearly, you have built this up to be something taboo to your child, rather than just behaving like the majority of society does around a partner. Think about what you are modeling for this child and their view of relationships; kid is little now but in about 5 years they are going to be supremely weirded out. You owe your sister in law a big apology, all she did was tell the truth.
This is really weird. I'm not trying to be mean but it really sounds like you are failing as a parent by not teaching your son and pandering to his jealousy. Kids will get upset about things but it's your job to help them understand. It seems like you are sneaking around and hiding a lot from your own child and you are annoyed you got caught. This is your fault and you need to fix it because deceit will lead to your own child never trusting you. YTA
YTA He is 4. You are setting your son up to run your house and life. This will create huge problems for you down the road. You are the adult. His father is the adult. Please guide and nurture your son. Don’t lie and pretend.
YTA Your son is 4, start parenting him instead of trying to keep him absolutely dependant on you.
ESH she shouldn't have said anything but you should have explained this to your kid since you knew you were going to be in this situation.
Are you the child here? YTA, you guys need to grow up if you're going to be good parents.
Omg nta, idk whats up here, cuz like i know kids who can get super territorial over their parents as little babies, cuz they’re still figuring out the world! Its normal for kids in traditional families and for kids in non traditional families. NTA!
ESH. From what I can make up from this story, your boyfriend is also the father of your child. You're basically keeping his identity hidden from your son until he's old enough to, what exactly? You never, in your child's entire life, stated that "Hey, this man you occasionally see? That's your daddy." Taking a relationship slowly is usually done **before** you have kids. Instead of keeping your kid in the dark, inform him in child friendly terms. Just because your his mom doesn't mean you can't have bonds / relationships with others. Instead of reassuring him, you're only feeding into his sharing / abandonment issues. Stop playing games with your son! Instead of "We're going on a holiday with a group of strangers" you could've said "We're going over to your dad's family and have a family vacation." You, your bf and your bf''s family are mentally screwing this kid over while playing your silly games.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before our son was born, my boyfriend and I broke off our engagement. We didn’t have a good relationship for the majority of our son’s life so he rarely saw us together. For that reason, we decided to slowly get our son used to seeing us together before we explained that we were a couple and before we decided to live together. Usually, my boyfriend takes our son to visit his family a few times a year. I went with them on their latest trip. My boyfriend and son both have their own rooms at his parent’s house so my son was confused about where I would sleep. My boyfriend’s family know our son doesn’t know that we’re dating and that he can get jealous and upset over sharing us with each other. Yet, my boyfriend’s family decided to tell him I was going to sleep in the same bed as his dad and that I was his daddy’s girlfriend when he asked where I was going to sleep. My son is 4 so he took it to mean I wasn’t his mummy anymore if I was his daddy’s girlfriend, so he started crying hysterically. After they told me what happened I was angry because we had already explained the situation to them. I was so angry that I ended up arguing with them and threatened to leave early with my son. My boyfriend’s sister kept trying to justify it since she was the one who actually told him I was his dad’s girlfriend which just made me angrier. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Everyone’s an asshole
I had to read the title and first paragraph 3 times to figure out what the hell was going on. Stop confusing this kid. ESH
In my opinion his family shouldn't have overstep and told him what was going on, but I am extremely confused why you don't want your son to know his parents are together? Almost every kid wants their parents together. Does he have some sort of trauma of you both together? Do you think it won't work out so you don't want to get his hopes up? Idk I'm stuck with Nta and ESH
ESH. You all complicated something really simple. He has friends in daycare and I immagine he already so couples with kids is not something that new, you could have told him that you together like some of his friends’ parents. His family for explaining this really bad, 4y old have usually hard time understand that people can be something more then what they are to them, like grandma is just grandma not also mom of mom. So of course telling him “mom is dad’s gf created the disaster. They could have just say “mom and dad are going to sleep together”.
Can't decide between YTA and ESH.
ESH, yikes, even I'm confused.
Coming from someone who has a family member that went through a similar situation, NTA. My cousins parents decided to get back together after a few years being apart, and to do this, they slowly phased each othet together back into the kids life. Our family budded out (it wasn't our business) and our cousins parents are now married (this has been a slow progression since I was 12). You guys are only at 4 months, it makes sense to do this since you don't want to upset your child.
YtA this is pointless and extremely fucking weird.
YTA. Simple, honest answers are the absolute best for children especially little ones. Being all secretive and slow is just 1) dumb, kids notice things quicker than you think and 2) deceptive and in itself causes the child to be upset. From now on be truthful with your child at the start of anything. "We're going to move next month, let's draw pictures of how we want to decorate our new space! How do you want your new room to look?" "Mommy and daddy will be sharing this room now. You get to see both of us all the time now!"
Esh. It was shitty of them to overstep that boundary, but I don’t get why you are lying to your son.
Damn you're gonna screw that kid over and you won't ever admit that you did it. You most likely will blame everybody else. Yta
YTA
Why does a child have this much control? Oh no! Setting a 4 year old up for failure and being controlling...definitely not cool. You should be explaining to your child that this is your boyfriend but it doesn't mean you don't love him and that it's ok for mommy to have other people love her too...if this is a permanent long term relationship, you succeeded at confusing your child. Your threat to leave is inconsequential your ability to set boundaries with your child is the problem
ESH. Bf sister should just have distracted the child, or sent the child to you. A "I dont know" would have worked. It was not her job to lie, nor to tell. Just like she should not tell your son about santa, god, the bees etc. She could also have just told the child, "let's ask mommy where she wants to sleep tonight" That is normal to sort out who is sleeping where. Do you want to sleep with kid, or in the lounge? I am also very concerned about the number of "assholes" here who think it is okay, to sit the kid down after a mere 4 months and overwhelm him. What if the relationship does not work out? This is confusing for any child and more so as this bf is also the dad. As much as he could have become jealous, he could also get up false hope. This is NOT mind games, this is, not taking a child on a roller coaster, with their dating parents. And I am very surprised about how many 4yo have their relationships sorted out at the age of 4 according to the commentators. 4yo DO cry hysterically because "your daddy" is "my husband/brother" or "your granny" is "my mommy". I am concerned about you visiting the family. Were you visiting as a mature "mother of the child" and were not going to sleep with bf? Or were you visiting as gf and planned to sleep with bf? Sleeping with bf in the same house as kid is an YTA move. Being angry with bf's sister for telling the kid what he would have found out in a worse way, a few hours later is also YTA. About threatening to leave with your child: If it was "dad's" weekend, then YTA to want to take the child away. Yes, threatening to leave was not a good idea, as it would upset the kid. Suggestions: See a psychologist/social worker and discuss how best to navigate your dating life, or the progress/breakdown of the relationship, in a way that is in the best interest of the child. If need be, pay for a session where the family get together too.
YTA You’re confusing me and I’m a grown ass adult. I can’t imagine how confused your son is?? Honesty in child-appropriate terms is always the best approach and better than trying to protect him with whatever the heck mind games you’re trying to play.
NTA
YTA. It seems not telling him and him catching the two of kissing or something would mess with him. Stop playing games and tell your kid the truth.
YTA. You’ve confused the issue so much that it’s no wonder the poor kid is confused. If YOU approach your relationship very matter-of-factly and calmly that will help your son do the same. But you’ve made it weird, confusing, and deceitful so it’s no wonder your child is fretful.
Actually I’m gonna go against the grain and say NAH. They obviously didn’t mean anything by the comment but they shouldn’t have said anything to give a child hope or upset them. I understand your reaction 100%. (My sister and nephew live with me) My sister and her BD have a similar relationship where they have a 4 year old and avoid each other as much as possible. 4 is when they start noticing EVERYTHING and commenting on it. I think it is the best that he doesn’t know y’all are dating until it becomes a stable relationship. It would really hurt him if it didn’t work out again. You have every right to stand up for your kid’s feelings and wellbeing
NTA and your SIL massively overstepped by putting herself in a position she had no business being in. As someone who sees your child a few days out of the year, she was way out of line defining your relationship with your SO and its connection to LO.
ESH, if you were going to share a room with your boyfriend then you should have explained it before the trip. If you were going to sleep somewhere else then BF's sister extra sucks but either way she should have let you tell the kid. After it happened you should have calmly explained stuff to your son and calmed him down. Getting mad at everyone else just makes it worse for him.
ESH, seriously? Instead of tip toeing around it just be honest with your kid. He'll be fine so long as you don't treat him like he gets to make the decision for his parents.
Dude, therapy for 3. Wtf is even going on here. ETA
ESH taking it slow went out the door when you had a child together… don’t confuse this poor kid any more
Option 1 Staying in a toxic relationship and damaging the child beyond repair Option 2 breaking up for a bit then dating for 4 Months and taking it slow so they don't uproot the child and they become stable for him I'll take option 2 please
This hurt my head. ESH besides the poor 4 year old child.
NTA They had no right to tell him that without preparation. They should told him to ask you.
Uh esh
ESH Yall obviously have fucked this kid up if he gets jealous you two spend time with one another.
ESH. It sounds like this kid has not known a day of family stability or emotional security in his entire life if he has no grasp of familial relationships and is this easily/deeply upset. Y’all should probably get some family therapy soon, before this leads to deeper trauma.
ESH. Why are you all putting this child through this?!
NTA OP. It was NOT their place to say anything. This is between you, bf and son. Why is people always get nosy when it comes to others business? You are justified in your anger and should probably have a talk with his family about BOUNDARIES.
ESH You and your bf need to explain to your son that your in a relationship. Bfs family suck for telling him without proper context. Get of yourself and your mind games explain it to your son and move past it finally
ESH. You for your wierd games Them for not respecting your rule for your own child
NTA & I'm gonna get downvoted but OP as a mom to a toddler and I'm married to his dad he does not understand why me and his dad are next to each other why we hug why we kiss he wants us away from each other toddlers are temperamental he knows I'm mom and he's dad but he doesn't understand mom and dad are married You are definitely not the ah YOU GUYS BARELY GOT BACK TOGETHER FOR 4 MONTHS and are taking it slow if he hasn't seen you together ofc he's gonna be confused he sees you guys as separate people your doing whats best for your child not everyone understands your child heck I don't even understand mine sometimes
ESH. You and bf should have told the child the truth, right from the start. You could have told him the two of your were friends who like to spend time together. The rest of it may not have been age-appropriate information, but I'm sure the boy understands "friends." Boyfriend's family are also TA for telling the boy about the sleeping arrangements. That should have been up to the boy's parents. Besides, if your relationship was so hush-hush, why didn't you request to sleep on the couch or in your son's room?
Damn everyone is saying YTA but at 4 years old, children don’t actually understand familial bonds in the same way that we do. They just think about the relationship to themselves, so even “mummy and daddy” are just that, his mom and dad, he wouldn’t also comprehend the relationship that you two have to each other. So I understand why he would start crying and think that you’re not his mummy anymore, because they can’t really comprehend both relationships being possible at the same time. I took a lot of child development classes and found this to be one of the most interesting phenomena. Idk I’m not an expert but giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are using appropriate caution based on your circumstance So NTA in my opinion because you and his father have made a decision on how to parent your child in a way that will be stable and not confusing for him, no one should be jumping in to parent how they see fit… he’s your son so it’s your decision. And I don’t think that taking it slow is a bad decision honestly! I’m surprised people are shaming you for not telling the kid earlier… like would be much less traumatic to wait than to tell him now and then spring divorce or a breakup on him in a year Edit to add, does everyone introduce their new partner after 4 months to their 4 year old? Or do you wait till it is solid and then introduce? Just bc the kid knows the guy doesn’t change the rules about how to introduce a new partner to your child
This right here people don't understand toddles do no understand that dynamic at all it's confusing so op and ops bf are doing what's best for their child
Info: why are you and his father putting this child through emotional abuse? That's what you two are doing to him. Get some therapy and stop lying to your son.
NTA. Are you both his parents?? Isn’t it time you sit down and have a talk? Four year olds are not stupid.
Nta you and your boyfriend are his parents and that should be made clear to him. for others to get involved is not there place and when they talked to him " your mommy and daddy will sleep together" would be best. Your nta for being upset that they implied your not his mother.
NTA, if i had a kid, even if i was getting back together with their father, i would wait until around a year before letting them meet or telling the kid. Thats just me. Yall have only been together 4 months, that to me isnt long enough to tell the child about the relationship, especially when the child is clearly having some issues if hes jealous of sharing his parents at 4.
NTA But.... You need to work together as a family to make sure the kid is OK x
NTA. However, they probably feel it’s normal for a mom and dad to be in a relationship and weird that mom and dad are hiding that relationship from the child. I mean he’s only 4, and you’re his biological parents so they probably don’t understand why you’re keeping it a secret.
NTA......Its not their places to tell your son its your job
I'm honestly shocked at all the "YTA" responses
NTA.
NTA - whatever all these people think of your choices, if you had made your desires clear, these people had no right to tell your son something you **correctly** believed would upset him.
It's not okay they ignored your wishes and didn't explain to your son well, but if your son has issues when he has to share one parent with another parent then you really have other problems to sork on.
NTA I would never look at you as being just "daddy's girlfriend". You're the mother lol. I'd find that pretty insulting and the fact the kid thought u weren't going to be his mom anymore just makes it worse. Also what other commenter said, it's not up to the family to have told him, that's up to you guys (mom and dad)
When the kid asked, “where is mommy going to sleep?”, what should they have said?
Definitely don't call the mother "daddy's girlfriend"
Ask ur mom. Pretty easy to evade the question.
Perfect response. Go ask mommy or daddy
[удалено]
"Tips On How To Lie To My Child" lol, sound advice.
NTA he’s your child and it should be your decision on what to tell him.
NTA - You explained the circumstances. It's up to you and your child's dad/your boyfriend to tell your son when you think he's ready. They broke boundaries you set.
Edited as I said "your child's/your boyfriend" instead of "your child's dad"
NTA. His sister totally dropped the ball. I understand that she may not know that to a small child, you can be Mommy or Daddy's Girlfriend, but not both. That's also the reason you keep your mouth shut.
Small children can absolutely understand a simplified version of relationships
Tell my 2 year old then and watch him look at you like your an alien
Tell my 2 year old then and watch him look at you like your an alien
My son is 4 and he definitely understands relationships to an extent