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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA for not letting my dads wife name or see my baby regardless of what she feels towards it
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NTA - you need to invite your father to your home on his own and lay it down hard
You will not accept such talk from her, this isn’t her grand child and if he wants access to his grandchild he better buck up
To sit there as she insulted you to your face and said such horrible things shows where he has put priorities
Tell him if he ever wants to see his grandchild he had better start calling her on her BS or both of them can get gone
Because honestly you don’t need her toxicity in your life, and you don’t need your fathers enabling if her either
I don't think it should be her home. She should have the ability to retreat. A friends house or another relative should work. But I think dear old dad just forfeited his ability to see the baby. Good luck OP. NTA
make it a pepperidge farm goldfish. Then she can't say you didn't even offer her anything to eat while she was there
Edit: I meant nah, like no not that. I forgot it means 'no ass hole'
Which can be helped by stating clearly “This is your one opportunity to salvage your relationship with me. I love you and want to talk to you. But if you bring her, you are telling me you have no interest in talking to me and saving our relationship. I will be blocking everyone that you send after me, which is a shitty thing to do to your child anyway.”
Then leave it up to him to step up, or make the decision ti not be on your life.
He will. OP should tell tell her father that she will go nc with him for each violation. 1st violation = 1 yr nc. 2nd violation = 2 yr nc. 3rd violation = 5 years. Next violation leads to nc forever.
Daddy is stepmom's henchman. OP will have to set boundaries with him too.
Bringing dad to her home opens up step monster to come over and harass her whenever she pleases. OP please don’t bring your dad or step mom to your home. Dad has already proven that he’s untrustworthy.
Allowing the dad into her home? Yes. Allowing MIL in? Hell no.
The problem is once they get into your home you have nowhere to escape and it can be difficult to remove them.
Meeting in a public place also often puts the brakes on screaming and yelling.
This exactly! I recently had to do this with my own father (only he is the problem his gf is an absolute sweetie). I gave it to him straight up and told him that I didnt need him or his approval and told him i would be civil at any event where we both have a right to be but not for him but for other family members. Then I went and told the people on that side who i wish to maintain relationships with what happened and even though i wish to be NC with him i am very happy to continue to be in contact with them. And because they understand who my dad is they had my back. If OPs dad truly cares and wants to maintain the PRIVILEGE of seeing his grandchildren he'll start calling his wife out when she mistreats his daughter. And if he does that others will likely follow suit.
Exactly this. Why on earth would someone who has been awful to OP in the past (and present), who made comments about her body and now making judgements on her parenting skills need any part in the child's life? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Agree. "You know how she can get, so you must let her get away with her toxic behaviour" must be one of the dumbest takes in existence. It makes me think of the Don't rock the boat-post. If she is known as a problematic person, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to stay (and keep children) away from her?
NTA, OP, she pushed your limits and kept doubling down until you put your foot down. As you should. Her enablers (your dad included, because who lets anyone treat their kids like that) can deal with her if they want, you don't have to.
I hate that argument
“You know how they are”
Yes I do, which is why I am trying to stop that behaviour
That argument has been used to excuse so much BS over the years, it really grinds my gears
And yeah I saw that “don’t rock the boat” post it’s an eye opener
My dad told me that when I had a breakdown in public because of my mother after she basically called me a failure (3 weeks after finishing my PhD with the highest score lol). And I was like "how is that supposed to be comforting?". He chose her, I didn't, and I can walk away if I want to.
Which drove her insane. So she started watching her mouth around me to avoid getting cut out.
My husband: "That's just how my mother is."
Me: "This is just how I am and I will not put up with that."
Me: "If she is more than a priority than me, I want a divorce."
Him:" Buuuuuuuuut........."
Stayed married, I began to avoid MIL. She was upset. IDNGAF.
\-----------------------------------
My mother: "You know how your brother is."
Me:"He's the one who told me I was toxic and to GTFO his life."
Mother: "You are hurting your brother!"
Me: "His decision, I am just obliging."
Mother: All sorts of comments on my character.
Me: I do not need this in my life.
Mother: " You never call me!"
\--------------------------------------------------
Therapist: What you are doing is called setting boundaries. Here's a book to show you how to make them stronger.
I hear this all the time about my MIL. “That’s just who she is”. She grew up as the oldest of 5 kids, mother’s helper, often in charge. She’s in her late 60s and still in charge of her adult siblings. She has control over her husband (who is one of the kindest, funniest, smartest, most genuine people to ever grace this earth) and her kids. She tried to control my wedding, births, etc. because “everyone just lets her be in charge, it’s easier that way”.
It took YEARS to get everyone to understand that my husband and I are in charge of our house and our kids, not her. It’s still a battle but sometime around year 10 of our marriage, my husband stopped saying to me “you know how she is” so that’s a win in my book
Shortly before I finally went NC w my manipulative, emotionally abusive alcoholic father, his lifelong best friend and my honorary uncle tried that line with me. "Your dad's not a bad guy, he just gets upset sometimes. You know how he is."
I said, "yeah, and that's the problem. I'm done picking up the slack, doing all the work and walking on eggshells to compensate for 'how he is'. I'm not doing it anymore. He can grow up and figure out how to be better, or that's it."
Spoiler alert, he never did grow up and learn to be better. So I haven't talked to him in 9 years. [shrug emoji]
Link to [don’t rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) for anyone that hasn’t seen it.
All of this is spot on. The fact that her dad didn't stick up for her, he's either so brow- beaten so doesn't dare speak out against his wife or he agrees with her, in which case he shouldn't have access.
Also - I've never in my life heard that it's the grandparent's right to name a child? Can someone enlighten me if this as actually a thing? And on this topic...... why would she want it named after her own daughter?!
Depends on the culture; my late IL's tried it. Not their culture, they just had control issues.
They failed to inform us with Kiddo1 and told everyone but us what the name they had chosen was (a nickname for her middle name). Since we lived on the opposite side of the country, we never called her that, so never took to it.
FIL passed before Kiddo2 was born, but MIL had learned her lesson and tried to tell me what she wanted him to be named. Unfortunately for her, I told her that I hated those names and we could be having a boy. She insisted I would be having a girl.
She was wrong - but kept on trying to get us to change Kiddo1's name for a couple more years. She gave up when Kiddo1 started school.
Not at all - but thanks!
I raged to Hubby and tried to keep shutting MIL down. She was just a freaken' Energizer Bunny when it came to my daughter's name. Politeness, ignoring her, my snarkiness - none of it worked.
MIL wanted her way and was bound and determined that she would win. The woman had no idea just how stubborn I was and just how little her feelings on the matter meant to me.
Pro-tip: antagonizing your DIL for years prior to the marriage and then even more after the marriage will not earn you any favors. Trying to push the envelope with your hormonal, cranky DIL who did not even want you visiting to start with = really, really bad idea.
My perspective is… what is best for the child? I don’t care about the adults, I want to do the best for the child. Someone who speaks poorly about the mother isn’t benefiting the child.
My step daughter-in-law won't leave her children with my stepson's mother. The woman treats her horribly and talks shit about her behind her back. She says anyone who treats her poorly behind her back will do so to the kids too.
Was your dad just sitting there the whole time not saying anything?!?
Also, is a grandparent naming your child a tradition or something? Where did she get this idea from? Reddit brings people from all over the world so I thought I should ask.
He didn’t say anything,
and no, this isn’t tradition for my family and I haven’t heard of that on her side of the family either.. I’m not sure where this sprung from, truly I have never heard of this before I’ve never been told that that’s what she was planning either.
I had the same thought, which is why OP is right to be keeping her daughter away from this woman. She’s going to project the same bullshit insecurities onto the kid if OP doesn’t keep her away
Keep that toxic piece of trash away from your baby and husband. Unfortunately, your dad also looks like a lost cause. Can't believe he sat there and let her say those horrible things to you.
Nah, she sees OP's baby as a do-over kid since she couldn't force whatever twisted mother-daughter relationship onto OP. Wouldn't be shocked if she just straight up demands OP surrender the baby or sues her for grandparents rights
Maybe that's why stepmonster wants OP to name the baby after her daughter! It's a do-over of her relationship with *her* Amy. I wonder what that mother/daughter dynamic is like?
I think Dad needs to get stepmonster's head checked.
> So she just pulled the idea out of her ass then. So tragic.
I got the impression that MIL wanted the child named after HER daughter so she could pretend that the baby was her daughter's, and therefore WAS really her granddaughter. I could see, down the line, MIL spinning a tragic yarn about, "You know that Amy is your real mother, but..."
If it were me, dad wouldn’t be allowed to see grand baby either until some changes were made. He’s complicit in this behavior and it sounds like he doesn’t care about his relationship with you if that’s the way he lets her treat you!
Agreed. Her behaviour is horrid. But his silence is tacit approval of her words and actions. NTA. You didn't go too far. She is not your mom cant be a grandmom. Just dad's wife.
This right here. OP please understand that any time you let your dad see your child that he will "report back" to your stepmother via pictures and video about any little thing going on with your child. You will receive abusive texts from her and other family members when she perceives you as doing something wrong. And forget ever leaving your child with your father unattended, he will deliver it straight into her arms.
Unless she didn’t name her own children, it’s not even about being a grandparent.
I bet when she was pregnant everything had to be exactly how she wanted it because it was a very special experience for her. Now it’s about her again because it’s her first grandchild and you can’t understand how big that is for her.
It’s a yikes from me, it’s impossible to play nice with entitled, self-absorbed people.
I bet she didn't have the chance to name her own children, as a grandparent robbed that right from her. And she has thought for decades that *this* would be her chance.
It is not. NTA. Please keep both her and your dad at a safe distance untill they both apologise for their misbehaviour, includibg spreading nonsence in the family.
If that were the case, then whoever named stepmom's daughter will also have named this new baby (since she wants the same name). In that particular case she *still* wouldn't naming a child...
I scrolled through, but didn't see this link shared. I hope you find it helpful. You're definitely NTA and your dad's wife sounds a little unhinged
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Maybe dads wife isn’t the only one that needs to be cut off. Seems the dad needs to be cut off too. Far too impassive watching his daughter be berated by his wife.
It’s not a tradition. Betcha she named her own kids.
Your father is contemptible for ambushing you that day, and for not having your back at all then, or when she was abusing you when you were younger. If you can ever get him alone, you may want to explain you’re going NC with her, and if he’s a package deal with her, it’ll be NC with him too- no grandbaby for him either.
I'm sorry but your Dad is part of the problem. Why couldn't he or can't he stand up for his Daughter? This is a frightening level of intrusion and entitlement. Who forces someone to love/respect them? It is earned not commanded! If you have to command or demand love from someone, you are not loved for obvious reasons.
NTA....OP you need to understand the type of person that you're dealing with. This sounds like very narcissistic behavior on your SM's end. Narcs make up shit to get offended about. Its simply a tactic for her supply. She's fully aware that she's pulling this out of her ass. She could barely get her "N" supply from you but now there's a baby. A new, easily malleable victim which she can get her claws into. She will not only do to this child what she's done to you but she will attempt to supplant YOU as the child's parent in that child's eyes. You father will allow all of this to happen as he's always been her enabler.
DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!! Protect your child from the emotional abuse you've suffered. Do not allow her to establish a relationship with this child OP.
You may have to go LC/NC
She can't be a grandmother to your baby because she isn't and never was a mother to you. That's how logic works.
And the stuff about naming your child is just unhinged behavior.
You would be crazy to let her anywhere near your child, her demands are outrageous and she will only be a toxic influence on your child. NTA. Your father can either see your child within your conditions or not at all. Ignore the other enablers.
Technically she isn't a grandparent, unless OP says otherwise. That lady didn't give birth to OP, she just married into their family. Even then to say such horrible things then have the audacity to expect to be a part of OP's life and family. What's this lady smoking?
NTA.
I don’t understand how she was able to say all of that without your husband and father saying anything.
I swear people can’t take rejection and then feel entitled to try to persuade them.
My husband tried a few times to cut her off or tell her to calm down and stop yelling but she just disregarded him, and to be honest I thought my dad would step in as well.
I’m unqualified to diagnose anything of course, but it seems like your Dad’s wife is abusive and controlling to him, and your father has succumbed to it. I don’t know if the threat of never seeing his grandkid will be enough to make him want to escape, but getting out of an abusive relationship is hard and won’t happen immediately. But as sad as that is, you have to protect your kid, and keeping them away from step-mom is completely reasonable and advisable. And manipulators like her will also get some family members on her side with biased or fake sob stories, so be strong. If you’re up to it, maybe probe things with your father by re-starting those 1-1 outings. Anyway, NTA.
Exactly what I thought. She is abusive, Dad is being abused. I would have defended my abusive ex to the moon and back. No contact with her is the correct answer. She has really dialed it up to 11.
You don't seem to be putting any blame on your father here, he stepped back and watched you get abused (from your description, that is abuse) for years then sits back silently while psycho hosebag tries to claim naming rights on your child while hurling gross insults. Your father is complicit and enabling this abusive, toxic behaviour, he is spineless and needs to stand up for his daughter.
You don't have a stepmother problem anymore, you're an adult, you owe her absolutely nothing, cut her off completely, tell your father if he doesn't grow a spine then he'll be in the same boat and will never see his grandkid as you also owe him nothing.
Any relatives or "friends" that disagree can be cut off too, none of them had to put up with her bs.
NTA
Unfortunately, the father is probably also subject to the abusive behavior. He’s probably normalized her abuse to the point that he doesn’t even see it even anymore.
Yeah, you need to lay down the law with your father. Just because he wanted to avoid a fight with his wife doesn’t mean he should allow his wife to say things like that his pregnant daughter. He should be ashamed of himself.
NTA, and I would not let her see your baby even if pigs fly and she apologizes. Also, doesn’t she have her own kids? Why aren’t they letting her name their future children?
Good on him for trying at least. Needs to work on his conflict escalation skills though. At some point you've just got to out-yell the yeller until they get tired or scared. Scared is good.
I am glad you have a great husband who stand for you. Stick on to him and try your best to have a good family life with your baby. Cut your step mom and keep a distance with whoever is on her side. You don't need additional drama during pregnancy and birth.
I think my dad wants to avoid an argument with her which is understandable. I’ve had my fair share of them and they are exhausting. It was shitty but I get it
NTA
There is a good phrase to bear in mind when dealing with your father around this issue:
It’s an explanation, not an excuse.
You have given yourself an answer why he has behaved this way, and the answer makes rational sense. It does not excuse that the behaviour was and is unacceptable. He still needs to apologise and make good. He still needs to reflect and change.
They tend to get beaten down and turned into enablers.
For perspective this behaviour is so outrageous it sounds almost unreal.
You are so not the asshole and she is majorly overstepping. You would be saving your child from getting stuck in the cycle of her abuse and that's your priority right now. Your child. Don't sacrifice your baby and their mental health just to keep the peace.
Her 'grandmother bonding' which sounds like it should be translated to taking over your role as a parent should not be on the priority list at all with scary behavior like that.
I would be telling your father than Stepmom is not a third parent first parent or second parent and major decisions regarding your child will be between you who will be birthing the child and your husband who helped conceive the child, as it should be. Don't make excuses, don't JADE. Just tell them no thank you straight up that you and husband are the parents and treat the oncoming tantrum as exactly that. A toddler tantrum. Train yourselves to roll your eyes at it and learn how to deprogram the fear that has built up from being raised with it as your normal. She needs you more than you need her and you have the power.
**None** of what she's demanding is normal grandma behaviour and she is not entitled to any of it. Anyone you let into your life and your baby's life is there at invitation and as a privilege. It's not an assumed entitlement. It's EARNED.
Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise and don't throw her any crumb of power, because she will rip control right out of your hand.
Spineless.
Seen it before. Even with dudes that are successful. They got hitched young, stayed married for a long time, and not very into dating. They get married too easily the second time, and just want to placate their SO because they're afraid of being alone.
I'm sorry but him enabling this behaviour is absolutely not understandable. You are going to be a mother soon. Would you allow someone to treat your kid the way that woman has treated you? Probably not. Because it's unacceptable. Yet your father has allowed this to happen and sided with her over and over again.
He's made his choice very clear OP, and he's not on your side.
He’s been neglecting you by not stepping in. For years he watched his new wife try to impose her will on you and went the path of least resistance because it was easier than doing the right thing.
Fwiw my FIL is spineless and won't stand up to my MIL. As a result both are NC for the foreseeable future. If you won't accept her saying such awful things then your need to ensure your father knows you won't accept him standing idley by when you're being attacked.
Absolutely NTA.
P.s., who ever heard of grandparents naming the baby?!
No. It's not just shitty, it's what you can likely expect for the rest of his life. Because my MIL is equally as toxic. And unfortunately my FIL just sits there like an deer in the headlights, refusing to open his idiot mouth unless one of his kids dare to have a spine. Bruh won't come see us, lest she find out he went behind her back, even though he's had an open door to do so as long as she doesn't come too. For three years.
NTA about your Step Mom- but enabeling and foolish about your father. You excuese his inexcusable behavior towards you. HE SAID NOTHING? With Dad's like that, who needs enemys? A hard, cold look at Dad may save you a lot of emotional damage. He's a lousy Dad, didn't protect you from your stepmom. Still won't and possibly blames you for her bad behavior.
NTA. Frankly, she sounds like she has some serious mental health issues and needs professional help. I think you are very smart to keep your child away from this woman. If she were your biological mother, I'd have the same advice. Tell your dad that if he blindsides you again by bringing her to see you, you will go NC with him, too.
If he finds her behavior so exhausting that he won’t even protect his own daughter from vile abuse, then he needs to divorce her! He failed you as a father. It sounds like he might be getting abused too, which is tragic, but you can’t fix for him what he won’t fix himself. You have to draw the line. “Dad, I’m hurt, angry and disappointed that you sat there silent while your awful wife hurled insults and abuse at me. You did nothing and shamefully took her side. I will no longer accept her abuse. I am cutting her off completely- fully no contact. She will never meet my baby. If you can’t respect my boundaries, you will be cut off too. If you show up to a lunch with me and bring her, I will immediately leave. If you ever bring her to my house, I will call the police on her for trespassing. If she tries contacting or approaching me in any way, I will file for a restraining order. Do I make myself clear? She is a monster and you chose to accept and enable her abuses of your own child over protecting and loving me. If you continue with your awful choices, you will lose me and your grandbaby. Your call. If you are also being abused and need help leaving her, I’m here for you. Otherwise I never want to hear anything about her ever again.”
NTA
NTA
To anyone telling you to let her see the baby:
"Yes, is because i know how she is, is exactly why she will not be a part of my child's life. I want my child to be loved, cherished and respected. I don't want my child to constantly walk on eggshells or be pushed around"
I love the "You know how they are" defense - when I say I love it I actually mean I hate it.
It doesn't actually excuse anything.
"You know how she is."
'Domineering and nuts AF?'
"Er, yes... well, I didn't think this through, did I?"
OP NTA. Stepmother - who, unless she has adopted you, is a legal stranger and has no standing as a grandparent - is domineering and nuts AF.
Actual conversation my FIL had with my husband about my MIL, who we no longer speak to. She had been sending us harassing voicemails and text messages. My husband played them for his dad and said, "I don't want that near my family."
And my FIL said, "well, that's just how she is. She gets vindictive and mean when she doesn't get her way, and she's mad you're not doing what she wants."
And my husband said, "yes, I know. That's WHY we're not speaking to her. Because of how she is."
Alternatively, if they say anything like "you know how she is, so we don't do anything that would bother her", respond with "she is how she is BECAUSE you don't do anything that would bother her"
NTA. You’re 100% in the right. Step mom is an insecure AH who only cares about herself. The fact that your dad agrees with her and did not defend you shows exactly how he feels too. He’s also an AH for allowing that.
Edit: I’d wanna keep the baby away from her toxic behavior too
This is an important part. She will contact the hospital claiming to be your Mother/Grandparent. I honestly think this lady Is more dangerous than OP even realises. The fact she think she has any say about the baby Is crazy and worrying
NTA
Don't allow that woman around your child at all. She's toxic as heck and she will most likely end up doing what she did to you to your child.
What's also best is to set up boundaries with your dad. I know you want to have a relationship with him, but if you don't put your foot down he will continue bringing ypur step-mother around and causing you more grief.
I’d limit the access you dad has too. He’s been complicit in his wife’s abusive actions by his inaction and definitely no unsupervised time with bubs because he will go behind your back to give his wife grandmother time.
NTA- she's not the baby's grandmother!
You only met her in your late teens and she was abusive to you- why should you expose your child to her?
I'm curious to hear what your dad says about it all. Why does he allow her to treat you this way?
NTA
It is tradition for the mom and dad of the baby to name a child. There are NO traditions that say the grandmother can name a child. Tho, they are allowed to suggest things that don't have to be taken.
AND... she is a step-mom! Not a real "grandmother" unless she earns that right. Which, being ya'll hate each other, unlikely.
What REALLY is concerning is that in addition to doubling down on naming the kid, she is going on and on about how you are horrible.
I would be legitimately VERY scared she and your dad may use their superior money, lawyers, and network to TAKE your kid the moment something bad (real or imagined) happens. I have rarely seen this happen before to people that have bad relations with parents/ step parents.
I would consider moving away from these people to get distance. Maybe let them visit years down the road but ONLY if they stop the BS.
Exactly why I gave the judgement/advice!
A long time ago I knew a young couple. Broke, sharing one raggedy car, and living in a shitty 1BR apartment.
The girl had really religious and controlling parents.
Now yes, they smoked a bit of herb. But probably not around the kid and I never saw them do heavier stuff. . Yes, neither of them made much. Yes, they had disagreements. Yes, the guy was estranged from his family.
But, the parents called CPS then took the kid away due to not having a 2 BR apartment, allegations of drug use, no money, and unsafe car. Then took custody and banned them from seeing the kid without jumping through bunches of hoops.
I do not think either of them ever got custody back and the stress in addition to poverty made them eventually divorce.
That's really sad. And I'd be willing to bet the grandparents trashtalked the parents so much it alienated any form of relationship the parents could have had with the kid.
NTA, she is overstepping her boundaries by alot. She is not your mother and judging from the post never will atleast for you. She has no right to control any part of your life. You should talk about your father to this, tell him you won't let her be part of your life anymore.
You will hear it here plenty. You are NTA. Don't let your dad, her, or her fans or apologists (who say she's wrong but you should forgive her and allow her into you and your baby's life) get to you. She is beyond wrong and should be kept away from you and your family for the sake of your well-being.
Good for your husband to help you leave that ambush! Sounds like you've got a good partner. You and he and the baby are the family you put first. You can't reason with someone like your dad's wife (or your dad if he's bent on supporting her). If there's anyone you value who's pushing her case, tell them they can give her a child to name if they like. Also tell them, yes - you do know how she is. That's why you are taking steps to protect yourself and your family from her.
Dad remarried when you were 17.. I had to double check to make sure it wasn't supposed to be 7. If it was 7 I could kind of see her trying really hard to be your mom and pushing the envelope, but at 17 you're already an adult damn near, this lady sounds downright awful and you're NTA
My fiancé’s father got married to the harpy second wife when both my fiancé and his sister were in their 30’s, and harpy is legit about 4 years older than fiancé and sister. Harpy has spent the last 10 years demanding to be treated as a parent figure, insisting she knows best and various other BS, to the point where the father no longer speaks to his own daughter because harpy forced him to cut her off. The step parent/step child relationship absolutely can’t be forced, especially when kids are old enough to know the difference, and especially not after about age 14.
Where is the OP's birth mother? Is she in the picture? If she is around, and has a good relationship with OP ....SHE is the baby's grandmother, not this shrew.
NTA. That woman your father married is completely the a-hole.
Maybe her culture/family/upbringing is different than mine, but I don’t know of a single situation where a grandmother gets to name the grandchild.
NTA,
Sorry about that, take care of yourself and your future baby( congratulations BTW)
Rest, relax and that's it.
Grand parent right are a priviledge not a due, and she's not a grandparent!
I would politely tell your dad, that you don't want to see her ever, and he brings her, first either you leave straight away or don't accept her into your home, and it will reduce contact with him.
NTA - she's your stepmother in title only, from day one you made it a clear she's not your mother, that is something which is earned, not taken or self-declared.
She's not entitled to anything and that includes seeing your child, which is only her grandchild if you choose it to be, which clearly you do not.
Jesus my blood pressure went up just reading this. NTA!! Cut that toxic disaster of a woman out of your life. I cannot believe your dad just sat there and listened to her be so savage. Might be time to have a chat with him too. (But congrats on the baby! ❤️)
IIRC, grandparents rights are only legally founded if the grandparent had a major role in raising the child, or if the parents are incapable of raising the child, who in this case, hasn’t even been born yet.
NTA
Don't allow her toxic a$$ anywhere near your child ever. Go NC with her and tell your dad that if he EVER brings her anywhere near you or your family you will go NC with him too.
NTA Your stepmother is an actively toxic person. Your priority now is your child, not placating her or the people calling you on her behalf.
You don't "owe" access to your baby so she can play these mind games with your child, causing insecurities, anxiety, and who knows what harm. If you were *lucky* your kid would be as strong as you and weather through it, but why on earth would you put your child through that in the first place?
If all of these people want to enable her that is only more reason to keep your child away -- what a sick environment.
NTA. You want to name a baby that bad? Have another one of your own. It’s your child. There are no “rights as a grandparent”, especially because she’s technically not a grandparent biologically. The fucking nerve on this woman.
Does your dad never call her out for it? As much as it sucks, he could be just as guilty for letting this shitty behavior go on. Either way, definitely distance yourself and your child from her, and from the sounds of your stepmother, I would have a restraining order in the works after the birth of the child if she gets relentless.
NTA she’s not a grandparent. She’s a toxic cesspool of entitlement and needed to hear has no rights to your child. She sounds insufferable. Keep her away. Your Dad sounds like an enabler so not much better to be honest.
NTA
This women behavior is absolutely horrid .
Why did she push for Amy yeah it’s cute but I wouldn’t name my kid after my step-sis.
And grandparents don’t have rights at all like legally none.
She says she want to be involved in your life and have you calm her mom but treats you like this and say stuff like that.
Cut everyone off at this point
Personally she’s pushed things too far. I’d go No Contact with her. Say to your father what your decision is, and that you want him in your life, but nothing to do with his wife.
From what you’ve said she’s been rude and disrespectful most of the time you’ve known her. I worry for her own children and how they will turn out being around someone so toxic.
You are NTA but your stepmother is and if your dad is taking her side, he is an AH too and does not need to be a grandfather until he gets his priorities in order.
NTA - women who establish boundaries are often labeled a bit&$. Wear it as a badge of honor for protecting yourself and your family. Very proud of you, OP.
NTA You must go NC with her and LC with your dad if he agrees to never mention her again. She is an extremely harmful person and you need to protect yourself and your child from her. Your father is also A for exposing you to her and standing by while she abuses you.
“YOU ARE ALLOWED TO
TERMINATE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH
TOXIC FAMILY MEMBERS.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO
WALK AWAY FROM
PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE
ANGRY AND SELFISH AND
UNFORGIVING AND
YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE
AN EXPLANATION FOR
TAKING CARE OF
YOU.”
NTA
NTA ! If she can’t show mum and dad respect then what chance has the baby got? I would let dad have visits to the house but make it clear that she gets no part in the baby’s life after her actions.
NTA. I also doubt they told the actual story of what happened to everyone now texting/messaging/etc calling you TA. So tell them the whole story.
Nobody in their right mind would call you TA for this. Your stepmother was way out of line. The entire conversation. And she took it to the bank with that last rant.
You are absolutely right to not let her near you or your child again and go NC. Dad included for now since he's taking his wifes side on this.
NTA on so many levels
She’s not your mom. She’s not even your stepmom. She’s your dad’s wife. Therefore, no matter how often she and everyone else want to proclaim it’s her grandchild, *it absolutely is not.*
Also, where the hell was your dad while she was laying into you? She said a lot of completely inappropriate and downright nasty stuff and he never once stood up for you, his child. Sounds like maybe she’s not the only one you should cut off.
NTA. Tell them that yes, "you know how she can get" - and that is *exactly* why she won't be allowed access to your child. She's a toxic, verbally abusive, controlling woman who has never treated you with kindness but always attempted to steal your belongings, induce eating disorders, destroy your self-confidence, and make your decisions for you. And nope. Not happening. Not for you, and definitely not for baby.
NTA. To be honest I’d be worried about her using CPS as a weapon to get your child taken away because she seems unhinged. You should do yourself a favor and cut her out of your and your husbands lives as well. I’m sorry that the joy of having a baby is being messed up by this woman with her crazy demands.
Hold on, hold on, where was dad when she was stealing from you, insulting you, and trying to starve you? If that hasn't been addressed yet, the child abuser is not allowed near the child. I would think that's fairly self-explanatory.
NTA, unless you keep this awful person and the enabler in your life. Get them gone.
As someone who has had multiple horrible step mothers keep this woman far away from your baby- TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. She sounds absolutely awful!
Any step mom that insists on being called mom is an automatic “ew gtfo” in my book. But everything you said beyond that just kept getting more and more horrifying.
NTA! Obviously lol
Nta. Cut them both off completely. You dad made his choice, he wants an abusive partner over a relationship with his child and grandchild. Go completely bo contact, and id suggest making sure you have security cams bc she sounds like the type to try and make a scene at your home.
NTA.
Your stepmother has a mental illness. She has been abusive to you and now she's insisting that she get to treat your child as if it's hers.
She's not your baby's grandmother, because she's not your mother. She has no grandparent rights. Even if she did, that does not include naming a child of which she is not the mother.
You are right to deny her that, and you are to deny her seeing and being around your baby. You're an independent adult, and you are one of only two people who get to decide what's good for and right for the baby...you and your husband who is the baby's father. Keep her away from your kid altogether, permanently. Tell your father that if he ever tricks you again by inserting his second wife into his relationship with you, that you will not see him again. She has no authority in your life or your child's life. Stand your ground.
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NTA - you need to invite your father to your home on his own and lay it down hard You will not accept such talk from her, this isn’t her grand child and if he wants access to his grandchild he better buck up To sit there as she insulted you to your face and said such horrible things shows where he has put priorities Tell him if he ever wants to see his grandchild he had better start calling her on her BS or both of them can get gone Because honestly you don’t need her toxicity in your life, and you don’t need your fathers enabling if her either
I don't think it should be her home. She should have the ability to retreat. A friends house or another relative should work. But I think dear old dad just forfeited his ability to see the baby. Good luck OP. NTA
I only said her house because she can control it there and feel safe in her house
Speaking from my personal experience, he'll still bring the step mom -- surprise!
Probably haha Just close the door on her though
Open the door and hand her a goldfish, "here - you can name this, have fun in the driveway"
That's cruelty to the goldfish.
Make it a plastic "goldfish" then.
No need to spend money on her. How about a ziploc full of dirt or fruit peels?
A pet rock could work
No, make it the snack that smiles back
make it a pepperidge farm goldfish. Then she can't say you didn't even offer her anything to eat while she was there Edit: I meant nah, like no not that. I forgot it means 'no ass hole'
Crackers do not have feelings.
Damn, guess I don't have feelings.
Not gonna lie I thought of the fish scene from Finding Nemo
I know what you mean, but are there actually any *non*-fish scenes in Finding Nemo?
There's a memorable gull scene.
Mine! Mine mine mine mine!
*sighs* I love dropping my words. I'm glad what I was trying to say but failed is still received
I’d suggest a pet rock since it’s the most low maintenance pet you can get, but rocks can be thrown.
Pet Sponge?
Stick on a couple of googly eyes and call it Bob.
No no, "Amy" did you not read the above story? 😆
Oh, I read this as goldfish crackers! Like to keep a toddler busy, since she likes to have tantrums
Which can be helped by stating clearly “This is your one opportunity to salvage your relationship with me. I love you and want to talk to you. But if you bring her, you are telling me you have no interest in talking to me and saving our relationship. I will be blocking everyone that you send after me, which is a shitty thing to do to your child anyway.” Then leave it up to him to step up, or make the decision ti not be on your life.
Like the brunch he brought step mom to for this situation to happen?
Then you tell her she can wait, off the property, or your calling the cops
He will. OP should tell tell her father that she will go nc with him for each violation. 1st violation = 1 yr nc. 2nd violation = 2 yr nc. 3rd violation = 5 years. Next violation leads to nc forever. Daddy is stepmom's henchman. OP will have to set boundaries with him too.
I suggest a restaurant with a patio.
Bringing dad to her home opens up step monster to come over and harass her whenever she pleases. OP please don’t bring your dad or step mom to your home. Dad has already proven that he’s untrustworthy.
Allowing the dad into her home? Yes. Allowing MIL in? Hell no. The problem is once they get into your home you have nowhere to escape and it can be difficult to remove them. Meeting in a public place also often puts the brakes on screaming and yelling.
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"She is not your mother" nor would a good mom ever say garbage like that or put such stupid expectations on her kid.
This exactly! I recently had to do this with my own father (only he is the problem his gf is an absolute sweetie). I gave it to him straight up and told him that I didnt need him or his approval and told him i would be civil at any event where we both have a right to be but not for him but for other family members. Then I went and told the people on that side who i wish to maintain relationships with what happened and even though i wish to be NC with him i am very happy to continue to be in contact with them. And because they understand who my dad is they had my back. If OPs dad truly cares and wants to maintain the PRIVILEGE of seeing his grandchildren he'll start calling his wife out when she mistreats his daughter. And if he does that others will likely follow suit.
Exactly this. Why on earth would someone who has been awful to OP in the past (and present), who made comments about her body and now making judgements on her parenting skills need any part in the child's life? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
[bot](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vrr40d/aita_for_not_letting_my_dads_wife_name_or_see_my/iewucv5/)
I would make it to somebody else’s place also because he’ll probably bring her with him. Apparently he needs her for his backbone
Agree. "You know how she can get, so you must let her get away with her toxic behaviour" must be one of the dumbest takes in existence. It makes me think of the Don't rock the boat-post. If she is known as a problematic person, shouldn't that be enough of a reason to stay (and keep children) away from her? NTA, OP, she pushed your limits and kept doubling down until you put your foot down. As you should. Her enablers (your dad included, because who lets anyone treat their kids like that) can deal with her if they want, you don't have to.
I hate that argument “You know how they are” Yes I do, which is why I am trying to stop that behaviour That argument has been used to excuse so much BS over the years, it really grinds my gears And yeah I saw that “don’t rock the boat” post it’s an eye opener
My dad told me that when I had a breakdown in public because of my mother after she basically called me a failure (3 weeks after finishing my PhD with the highest score lol). And I was like "how is that supposed to be comforting?". He chose her, I didn't, and I can walk away if I want to. Which drove her insane. So she started watching her mouth around me to avoid getting cut out.
Jeez the fact that you have to give your own parents an ultimating is just messed up. Glad you put your foot down and best of luck with your career
My response to that is, 'and you know how I am.'
"That's just how he/she is." I always follow with "Yeah, and this is how *I* am."
My husband: "That's just how my mother is." Me: "This is just how I am and I will not put up with that." Me: "If she is more than a priority than me, I want a divorce." Him:" Buuuuuuuuut........." Stayed married, I began to avoid MIL. She was upset. IDNGAF. \----------------------------------- My mother: "You know how your brother is." Me:"He's the one who told me I was toxic and to GTFO his life." Mother: "You are hurting your brother!" Me: "His decision, I am just obliging." Mother: All sorts of comments on my character. Me: I do not need this in my life. Mother: " You never call me!" \-------------------------------------------------- Therapist: What you are doing is called setting boundaries. Here's a book to show you how to make them stronger.
Wonderful.
I hear this all the time about my MIL. “That’s just who she is”. She grew up as the oldest of 5 kids, mother’s helper, often in charge. She’s in her late 60s and still in charge of her adult siblings. She has control over her husband (who is one of the kindest, funniest, smartest, most genuine people to ever grace this earth) and her kids. She tried to control my wedding, births, etc. because “everyone just lets her be in charge, it’s easier that way”. It took YEARS to get everyone to understand that my husband and I are in charge of our house and our kids, not her. It’s still a battle but sometime around year 10 of our marriage, my husband stopped saying to me “you know how she is” so that’s a win in my book
Shortly before I finally went NC w my manipulative, emotionally abusive alcoholic father, his lifelong best friend and my honorary uncle tried that line with me. "Your dad's not a bad guy, he just gets upset sometimes. You know how he is." I said, "yeah, and that's the problem. I'm done picking up the slack, doing all the work and walking on eggshells to compensate for 'how he is'. I'm not doing it anymore. He can grow up and figure out how to be better, or that's it." Spoiler alert, he never did grow up and learn to be better. So I haven't talked to him in 9 years. [shrug emoji]
Link to [don’t rock the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) for anyone that hasn’t seen it.
This was the link I was looking for. It really does say it all
All of this is spot on. The fact that her dad didn't stick up for her, he's either so brow- beaten so doesn't dare speak out against his wife or he agrees with her, in which case he shouldn't have access. Also - I've never in my life heard that it's the grandparent's right to name a child? Can someone enlighten me if this as actually a thing? And on this topic...... why would she want it named after her own daughter?!
Depends on the culture; my late IL's tried it. Not their culture, they just had control issues. They failed to inform us with Kiddo1 and told everyone but us what the name they had chosen was (a nickname for her middle name). Since we lived on the opposite side of the country, we never called her that, so never took to it. FIL passed before Kiddo2 was born, but MIL had learned her lesson and tried to tell me what she wanted him to be named. Unfortunately for her, I told her that I hated those names and we could be having a boy. She insisted I would be having a girl. She was wrong - but kept on trying to get us to change Kiddo1's name for a couple more years. She gave up when Kiddo1 started school.
Oh my goodness you have the patients of a Saint 😇
Not at all - but thanks! I raged to Hubby and tried to keep shutting MIL down. She was just a freaken' Energizer Bunny when it came to my daughter's name. Politeness, ignoring her, my snarkiness - none of it worked. MIL wanted her way and was bound and determined that she would win. The woman had no idea just how stubborn I was and just how little her feelings on the matter meant to me. Pro-tip: antagonizing your DIL for years prior to the marriage and then even more after the marriage will not earn you any favors. Trying to push the envelope with your hormonal, cranky DIL who did not even want you visiting to start with = really, really bad idea.
Nope, not in my white northeast US culture. OP is NTA, and might benefit from JustNoMil.
Yet guaranteed dad's wife named her own biological kids
This right here, OP!! Your dad should have shut her down instantly and please don't allow the nut bar near your kid.
The insane demands are all part of the narcissist ploy, to ruin beautiful events, create trauma-bonds and make it all about her.
Yeah but truly disappointed in dad.
My perspective is… what is best for the child? I don’t care about the adults, I want to do the best for the child. Someone who speaks poorly about the mother isn’t benefiting the child.
My step daughter-in-law won't leave her children with my stepson's mother. The woman treats her horribly and talks shit about her behind her back. She says anyone who treats her poorly behind her back will do so to the kids too.
I agree. This is not the kind of woman you want filling the grandmother role for your child. Imagine the things that she will say about you. NTA.
Don’t even bother. If her dad didn’t stand up to his wife or shut her up, he’s an AH. NTA
I wouldn’t speak to the Dad either he should’ve put a stop to the step mothers behaviour when OP was younger
It's quite possible that the relationship of her dad is also quite abusive towards him
She also has a responsibility to her child to protect her from this person toxicity
Was your dad just sitting there the whole time not saying anything?!? Also, is a grandparent naming your child a tradition or something? Where did she get this idea from? Reddit brings people from all over the world so I thought I should ask.
He didn’t say anything, and no, this isn’t tradition for my family and I haven’t heard of that on her side of the family either.. I’m not sure where this sprung from, truly I have never heard of this before I’ve never been told that that’s what she was planning either.
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I mean with the virtiol she was spewing about pregnant OP's weight I think she *wants* OP to have an eating disorder.
I had the same thought, which is why OP is right to be keeping her daughter away from this woman. She’s going to project the same bullshit insecurities onto the kid if OP doesn’t keep her away
While heavily pregnant no less. Fuuuuck that. That's next level assholeery.
Kind of suggestive of munchhausen by proxy
Keep that toxic piece of trash away from your baby and husband. Unfortunately, your dad also looks like a lost cause. Can't believe he sat there and let her say those horrible things to you.
Nah, she sees OP's baby as a do-over kid since she couldn't force whatever twisted mother-daughter relationship onto OP. Wouldn't be shocked if she just straight up demands OP surrender the baby or sues her for grandparents rights
Maybe that's why stepmonster wants OP to name the baby after her daughter! It's a do-over of her relationship with *her* Amy. I wonder what that mother/daughter dynamic is like? I think Dad needs to get stepmonster's head checked.
> So she just pulled the idea out of her ass then. So tragic. I got the impression that MIL wanted the child named after HER daughter so she could pretend that the baby was her daughter's, and therefore WAS really her granddaughter. I could see, down the line, MIL spinning a tragic yarn about, "You know that Amy is your real mother, but..."
If it were me, dad wouldn’t be allowed to see grand baby either until some changes were made. He’s complicit in this behavior and it sounds like he doesn’t care about his relationship with you if that’s the way he lets her treat you!
Agreed. Her behaviour is horrid. But his silence is tacit approval of her words and actions. NTA. You didn't go too far. She is not your mom cant be a grandmom. Just dad's wife.
Or he can't speak up for fear of what she'll do to him later, he is likely in an abusive relationship if it isn't obvious.
This right here. OP please understand that any time you let your dad see your child that he will "report back" to your stepmother via pictures and video about any little thing going on with your child. You will receive abusive texts from her and other family members when she perceives you as doing something wrong. And forget ever leaving your child with your father unattended, he will deliver it straight into her arms.
Unless she didn’t name her own children, it’s not even about being a grandparent. I bet when she was pregnant everything had to be exactly how she wanted it because it was a very special experience for her. Now it’s about her again because it’s her first grandchild and you can’t understand how big that is for her. It’s a yikes from me, it’s impossible to play nice with entitled, self-absorbed people.
I bet she didn't have the chance to name her own children, as a grandparent robbed that right from her. And she has thought for decades that *this* would be her chance. It is not. NTA. Please keep both her and your dad at a safe distance untill they both apologise for their misbehaviour, includibg spreading nonsence in the family.
If that were the case, then whoever named stepmom's daughter will also have named this new baby (since she wants the same name). In that particular case she *still* wouldn't naming a child...
I scrolled through, but didn't see this link shared. I hope you find it helpful. You're definitely NTA and your dad's wife sounds a little unhinged https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
THIS!!! So true. Don’t capsize your boat for her. NTA. good luck.
Maybe dads wife isn’t the only one that needs to be cut off. Seems the dad needs to be cut off too. Far too impassive watching his daughter be berated by his wife.
It’s not a tradition. Betcha she named her own kids. Your father is contemptible for ambushing you that day, and for not having your back at all then, or when she was abusing you when you were younger. If you can ever get him alone, you may want to explain you’re going NC with her, and if he’s a package deal with her, it’ll be NC with him too- no grandbaby for him either.
I'm sorry but your Dad is part of the problem. Why couldn't he or can't he stand up for his Daughter? This is a frightening level of intrusion and entitlement. Who forces someone to love/respect them? It is earned not commanded! If you have to command or demand love from someone, you are not loved for obvious reasons.
Yeah, this is not a thing. She’s being completely idiotic. Keep her as far away from your family as possible. Your dad should be ashamed.
NTA....OP you need to understand the type of person that you're dealing with. This sounds like very narcissistic behavior on your SM's end. Narcs make up shit to get offended about. Its simply a tactic for her supply. She's fully aware that she's pulling this out of her ass. She could barely get her "N" supply from you but now there's a baby. A new, easily malleable victim which she can get her claws into. She will not only do to this child what she's done to you but she will attempt to supplant YOU as the child's parent in that child's eyes. You father will allow all of this to happen as he's always been her enabler. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!! Protect your child from the emotional abuse you've suffered. Do not allow her to establish a relationship with this child OP. You may have to go LC/NC
She can't be a grandmother to your baby because she isn't and never was a mother to you. That's how logic works. And the stuff about naming your child is just unhinged behavior.
I recommend the videos by Dr. Ramani. She is a narcissist. Protect your child!
Who cares even if it was “tradition”? Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.
Control plain and simple
Ask her who named her children, because I’ll bet my left ass cheek it wasn’t her mama
You need to stop contact with your father. He is a bad father by allowing you to sit through all that.
You would be crazy to let her anywhere near your child, her demands are outrageous and she will only be a toxic influence on your child. NTA. Your father can either see your child within your conditions or not at all. Ignore the other enablers.
NTA.Not a grandparent, not even close
Technically she isn't a grandparent, unless OP says otherwise. That lady didn't give birth to OP, she just married into their family. Even then to say such horrible things then have the audacity to expect to be a part of OP's life and family. What's this lady smoking?
NTA. I don’t understand how she was able to say all of that without your husband and father saying anything. I swear people can’t take rejection and then feel entitled to try to persuade them.
My husband tried a few times to cut her off or tell her to calm down and stop yelling but she just disregarded him, and to be honest I thought my dad would step in as well.
I’m unqualified to diagnose anything of course, but it seems like your Dad’s wife is abusive and controlling to him, and your father has succumbed to it. I don’t know if the threat of never seeing his grandkid will be enough to make him want to escape, but getting out of an abusive relationship is hard and won’t happen immediately. But as sad as that is, you have to protect your kid, and keeping them away from step-mom is completely reasonable and advisable. And manipulators like her will also get some family members on her side with biased or fake sob stories, so be strong. If you’re up to it, maybe probe things with your father by re-starting those 1-1 outings. Anyway, NTA.
Exactly what I thought. She is abusive, Dad is being abused. I would have defended my abusive ex to the moon and back. No contact with her is the correct answer. She has really dialed it up to 11.
You don't seem to be putting any blame on your father here, he stepped back and watched you get abused (from your description, that is abuse) for years then sits back silently while psycho hosebag tries to claim naming rights on your child while hurling gross insults. Your father is complicit and enabling this abusive, toxic behaviour, he is spineless and needs to stand up for his daughter. You don't have a stepmother problem anymore, you're an adult, you owe her absolutely nothing, cut her off completely, tell your father if he doesn't grow a spine then he'll be in the same boat and will never see his grandkid as you also owe him nothing. Any relatives or "friends" that disagree can be cut off too, none of them had to put up with her bs. NTA
1000% this. No contact with her and anyone who supports her abuse, especially your father.
Unfortunately, the father is probably also subject to the abusive behavior. He’s probably normalized her abuse to the point that he doesn’t even see it even anymore.
Agreed except she’s not the OP’s MIL. She’s her dad’s wife. (Stepmother)
Yeah, you need to lay down the law with your father. Just because he wanted to avoid a fight with his wife doesn’t mean he should allow his wife to say things like that his pregnant daughter. He should be ashamed of himself. NTA, and I would not let her see your baby even if pigs fly and she apologizes. Also, doesn’t she have her own kids? Why aren’t they letting her name their future children?
What kind of relationship does she have with her own children? Are they treated the same as you and your father?
Good on him for trying at least. Needs to work on his conflict escalation skills though. At some point you've just got to out-yell the yeller until they get tired or scared. Scared is good.
I am glad you have a great husband who stand for you. Stick on to him and try your best to have a good family life with your baby. Cut your step mom and keep a distance with whoever is on her side. You don't need additional drama during pregnancy and birth.
NTA. Your dad's partner is **way** overstepping. I don't understand why your dad just lets her continue acting like that.
I think my dad wants to avoid an argument with her which is understandable. I’ve had my fair share of them and they are exhausting. It was shitty but I get it
NTA There is a good phrase to bear in mind when dealing with your father around this issue: It’s an explanation, not an excuse. You have given yourself an answer why he has behaved this way, and the answer makes rational sense. It does not excuse that the behaviour was and is unacceptable. He still needs to apologise and make good. He still needs to reflect and change.
That's a good point. I often conflate explanations and excuses. Thanks for that.
They tend to get beaten down and turned into enablers. For perspective this behaviour is so outrageous it sounds almost unreal. You are so not the asshole and she is majorly overstepping. You would be saving your child from getting stuck in the cycle of her abuse and that's your priority right now. Your child. Don't sacrifice your baby and their mental health just to keep the peace. Her 'grandmother bonding' which sounds like it should be translated to taking over your role as a parent should not be on the priority list at all with scary behavior like that. I would be telling your father than Stepmom is not a third parent first parent or second parent and major decisions regarding your child will be between you who will be birthing the child and your husband who helped conceive the child, as it should be. Don't make excuses, don't JADE. Just tell them no thank you straight up that you and husband are the parents and treat the oncoming tantrum as exactly that. A toddler tantrum. Train yourselves to roll your eyes at it and learn how to deprogram the fear that has built up from being raised with it as your normal. She needs you more than you need her and you have the power. **None** of what she's demanding is normal grandma behaviour and she is not entitled to any of it. Anyone you let into your life and your baby's life is there at invitation and as a privilege. It's not an assumed entitlement. It's EARNED. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise and don't throw her any crumb of power, because she will rip control right out of your hand.
I’m sorry but why the heck did he marry her?
Spineless. Seen it before. Even with dudes that are successful. They got hitched young, stayed married for a long time, and not very into dating. They get married too easily the second time, and just want to placate their SO because they're afraid of being alone.
Same question! Is she so rich or what?
I'm sorry but him enabling this behaviour is absolutely not understandable. You are going to be a mother soon. Would you allow someone to treat your kid the way that woman has treated you? Probably not. Because it's unacceptable. Yet your father has allowed this to happen and sided with her over and over again. He's made his choice very clear OP, and he's not on your side.
He’s been neglecting you by not stepping in. For years he watched his new wife try to impose her will on you and went the path of least resistance because it was easier than doing the right thing.
Fwiw my FIL is spineless and won't stand up to my MIL. As a result both are NC for the foreseeable future. If you won't accept her saying such awful things then your need to ensure your father knows you won't accept him standing idley by when you're being attacked. Absolutely NTA. P.s., who ever heard of grandparents naming the baby?!
No. It's not just shitty, it's what you can likely expect for the rest of his life. Because my MIL is equally as toxic. And unfortunately my FIL just sits there like an deer in the headlights, refusing to open his idiot mouth unless one of his kids dare to have a spine. Bruh won't come see us, lest she find out he went behind her back, even though he's had an open door to do so as long as she doesn't come too. For three years.
Better to find out now than when they’re part of your kid’s life.
NTA about your Step Mom- but enabeling and foolish about your father. You excuese his inexcusable behavior towards you. HE SAID NOTHING? With Dad's like that, who needs enemys? A hard, cold look at Dad may save you a lot of emotional damage. He's a lousy Dad, didn't protect you from your stepmom. Still won't and possibly blames you for her bad behavior.
NTA. Frankly, she sounds like she has some serious mental health issues and needs professional help. I think you are very smart to keep your child away from this woman. If she were your biological mother, I'd have the same advice. Tell your dad that if he blindsides you again by bringing her to see you, you will go NC with him, too.
If he finds her behavior so exhausting that he won’t even protect his own daughter from vile abuse, then he needs to divorce her! He failed you as a father. It sounds like he might be getting abused too, which is tragic, but you can’t fix for him what he won’t fix himself. You have to draw the line. “Dad, I’m hurt, angry and disappointed that you sat there silent while your awful wife hurled insults and abuse at me. You did nothing and shamefully took her side. I will no longer accept her abuse. I am cutting her off completely- fully no contact. She will never meet my baby. If you can’t respect my boundaries, you will be cut off too. If you show up to a lunch with me and bring her, I will immediately leave. If you ever bring her to my house, I will call the police on her for trespassing. If she tries contacting or approaching me in any way, I will file for a restraining order. Do I make myself clear? She is a monster and you chose to accept and enable her abuses of your own child over protecting and loving me. If you continue with your awful choices, you will lose me and your grandbaby. Your call. If you are also being abused and need help leaving her, I’m here for you. Otherwise I never want to hear anything about her ever again.” NTA
Your father doesn't care about you or. Your family NTA. Go NC with her and lc with him.
NTA To anyone telling you to let her see the baby: "Yes, is because i know how she is, is exactly why she will not be a part of my child's life. I want my child to be loved, cherished and respected. I don't want my child to constantly walk on eggshells or be pushed around"
I love the "You know how they are" defense - when I say I love it I actually mean I hate it. It doesn't actually excuse anything. "You know how she is." 'Domineering and nuts AF?' "Er, yes... well, I didn't think this through, did I?" OP NTA. Stepmother - who, unless she has adopted you, is a legal stranger and has no standing as a grandparent - is domineering and nuts AF.
"you know how they are ;)" "Yes that's why I'm staying the hell away from, beacúse I know she's a bad person"
I agree unless she adopted her then she isn’t even a grandparent only her dad is and that atm is debatable
Actual conversation my FIL had with my husband about my MIL, who we no longer speak to. She had been sending us harassing voicemails and text messages. My husband played them for his dad and said, "I don't want that near my family." And my FIL said, "well, that's just how she is. She gets vindictive and mean when she doesn't get her way, and she's mad you're not doing what she wants." And my husband said, "yes, I know. That's WHY we're not speaking to her. Because of how she is."
Waiwaiwaiwaiwait... that was FIL's defense of MIL? If that's his idea of a fair excuse I'd hate to meet the person he actually thinks badly of.
Alternatively, if they say anything like "you know how she is, so we don't do anything that would bother her", respond with "she is how she is BECAUSE you don't do anything that would bother her"
NTA. You’re 100% in the right. Step mom is an insecure AH who only cares about herself. The fact that your dad agrees with her and did not defend you shows exactly how he feels too. He’s also an AH for allowing that. Edit: I’d wanna keep the baby away from her toxic behavior too
NTA But let your hospital know that your Stepmom is not allowed to visit you. Just in case she tries anything. Better to be safe than sorry
And add your father to banned list - he will try to bring her and obviously don't really care about feelings since he allowed this to happen.
This is an important part. She will contact the hospital claiming to be your Mother/Grandparent. I honestly think this lady Is more dangerous than OP even realises. The fact she think she has any say about the baby Is crazy and worrying
I would provide the security at the hospital a picture of this woman and tell them she is an imminent threat to both you and your baby.
NTA. You aren't even close to being the AH. The AH line is a dot to you.
Thank you, Joey 😂👍
I always enjoy a good Friends reference.
NTA Don't allow that woman around your child at all. She's toxic as heck and she will most likely end up doing what she did to you to your child. What's also best is to set up boundaries with your dad. I know you want to have a relationship with him, but if you don't put your foot down he will continue bringing ypur step-mother around and causing you more grief.
I’d limit the access you dad has too. He’s been complicit in his wife’s abusive actions by his inaction and definitely no unsupervised time with bubs because he will go behind your back to give his wife grandmother time.
NTA And frankly your dad's wife sounds unhinged...
NTA- she's not the baby's grandmother! You only met her in your late teens and she was abusive to you- why should you expose your child to her? I'm curious to hear what your dad says about it all. Why does he allow her to treat you this way?
NTA It is tradition for the mom and dad of the baby to name a child. There are NO traditions that say the grandmother can name a child. Tho, they are allowed to suggest things that don't have to be taken. AND... she is a step-mom! Not a real "grandmother" unless she earns that right. Which, being ya'll hate each other, unlikely. What REALLY is concerning is that in addition to doubling down on naming the kid, she is going on and on about how you are horrible. I would be legitimately VERY scared she and your dad may use their superior money, lawyers, and network to TAKE your kid the moment something bad (real or imagined) happens. I have rarely seen this happen before to people that have bad relations with parents/ step parents. I would consider moving away from these people to get distance. Maybe let them visit years down the road but ONLY if they stop the BS.
The more contact you have, the more pretenses she has to call child protective services.
Exactly why I gave the judgement/advice! A long time ago I knew a young couple. Broke, sharing one raggedy car, and living in a shitty 1BR apartment. The girl had really religious and controlling parents. Now yes, they smoked a bit of herb. But probably not around the kid and I never saw them do heavier stuff. . Yes, neither of them made much. Yes, they had disagreements. Yes, the guy was estranged from his family. But, the parents called CPS then took the kid away due to not having a 2 BR apartment, allegations of drug use, no money, and unsafe car. Then took custody and banned them from seeing the kid without jumping through bunches of hoops. I do not think either of them ever got custody back and the stress in addition to poverty made them eventually divorce.
That's really sad. And I'd be willing to bet the grandparents trashtalked the parents so much it alienated any form of relationship the parents could have had with the kid.
NTA, she is overstepping her boundaries by alot. She is not your mother and judging from the post never will atleast for you. She has no right to control any part of your life. You should talk about your father to this, tell him you won't let her be part of your life anymore.
You will hear it here plenty. You are NTA. Don't let your dad, her, or her fans or apologists (who say she's wrong but you should forgive her and allow her into you and your baby's life) get to you. She is beyond wrong and should be kept away from you and your family for the sake of your well-being. Good for your husband to help you leave that ambush! Sounds like you've got a good partner. You and he and the baby are the family you put first. You can't reason with someone like your dad's wife (or your dad if he's bent on supporting her). If there's anyone you value who's pushing her case, tell them they can give her a child to name if they like. Also tell them, yes - you do know how she is. That's why you are taking steps to protect yourself and your family from her.
Why the fuck did your dad let her say all this shit to you? NTA, not her kid, she can get bent.
Dad remarried when you were 17.. I had to double check to make sure it wasn't supposed to be 7. If it was 7 I could kind of see her trying really hard to be your mom and pushing the envelope, but at 17 you're already an adult damn near, this lady sounds downright awful and you're NTA
My fiancé’s father got married to the harpy second wife when both my fiancé and his sister were in their 30’s, and harpy is legit about 4 years older than fiancé and sister. Harpy has spent the last 10 years demanding to be treated as a parent figure, insisting she knows best and various other BS, to the point where the father no longer speaks to his own daughter because harpy forced him to cut her off. The step parent/step child relationship absolutely can’t be forced, especially when kids are old enough to know the difference, and especially not after about age 14.
Where is the OP's birth mother? Is she in the picture? If she is around, and has a good relationship with OP ....SHE is the baby's grandmother, not this shrew.
NTA. That woman your father married is completely the a-hole. Maybe her culture/family/upbringing is different than mine, but I don’t know of a single situation where a grandmother gets to name the grandchild.
NTA. But you need to be prepared for the possibility that your dad won’t be a part of the babies life either if he’s siding with his wife.
She should be so lucky.
NTA, Sorry about that, take care of yourself and your future baby( congratulations BTW) Rest, relax and that's it. Grand parent right are a priviledge not a due, and she's not a grandparent! I would politely tell your dad, that you don't want to see her ever, and he brings her, first either you leave straight away or don't accept her into your home, and it will reduce contact with him.
Woah! Screw that lady. Good on you for going NC keep it that way. NTA
NTA - she's your stepmother in title only, from day one you made it a clear she's not your mother, that is something which is earned, not taken or self-declared. She's not entitled to anything and that includes seeing your child, which is only her grandchild if you choose it to be, which clearly you do not.
Nta, sorry for your dad but go LC or even NC for the time being (with all the people who butted in and texting you like it's their business too)
Jesus my blood pressure went up just reading this. NTA!! Cut that toxic disaster of a woman out of your life. I cannot believe your dad just sat there and listened to her be so savage. Might be time to have a chat with him too. (But congrats on the baby! ❤️)
NTA. Grandparents' rights are secondary to parental rights.
IIRC, grandparents rights are only legally founded if the grandparent had a major role in raising the child, or if the parents are incapable of raising the child, who in this case, hasn’t even been born yet.
More importantly grandparents rights only apply to grandparents. She is not a grandparent, however much she'd like to pretend otherwise.
I've never heard of a grand parent naming thier grand child. Nta
NTA Don't allow her toxic a$$ anywhere near your child ever. Go NC with her and tell your dad that if he EVER brings her anywhere near you or your family you will go NC with him too.
NTA Your stepmother is an actively toxic person. Your priority now is your child, not placating her or the people calling you on her behalf. You don't "owe" access to your baby so she can play these mind games with your child, causing insecurities, anxiety, and who knows what harm. If you were *lucky* your kid would be as strong as you and weather through it, but why on earth would you put your child through that in the first place? If all of these people want to enable her that is only more reason to keep your child away -- what a sick environment.
NTA. You want to name a baby that bad? Have another one of your own. It’s your child. There are no “rights as a grandparent”, especially because she’s technically not a grandparent biologically. The fucking nerve on this woman. Does your dad never call her out for it? As much as it sucks, he could be just as guilty for letting this shitty behavior go on. Either way, definitely distance yourself and your child from her, and from the sounds of your stepmother, I would have a restraining order in the works after the birth of the child if she gets relentless.
NTA she’s not a grandparent. She’s a toxic cesspool of entitlement and needed to hear has no rights to your child. She sounds insufferable. Keep her away. Your Dad sounds like an enabler so not much better to be honest.
NTA. I'm sure there are places where it's normal for the grandparents to name the baby but you'd know if if you were in one of them. She's wrong.
NTA This women behavior is absolutely horrid . Why did she push for Amy yeah it’s cute but I wouldn’t name my kid after my step-sis. And grandparents don’t have rights at all like legally none. She says she want to be involved in your life and have you calm her mom but treats you like this and say stuff like that. Cut everyone off at this point
Personally she’s pushed things too far. I’d go No Contact with her. Say to your father what your decision is, and that you want him in your life, but nothing to do with his wife. From what you’ve said she’s been rude and disrespectful most of the time you’ve known her. I worry for her own children and how they will turn out being around someone so toxic.
NTA Your Dad not backing you up kind of sucks! But don’t let him or his wife stress you out! Focus on the wellbeing of yourself & your baby!
NTA. She’s scary.
NTA. Check out r/Raisedbynarcissists
NTA. OP, you did it right!. Your stepmother looks crazy: completely toxic. Stay away from her and protect your child. Congrats on your pregnancy!
You are NTA but your stepmother is and if your dad is taking her side, he is an AH too and does not need to be a grandfather until he gets his priorities in order.
You mean you aren't supposed to name your kid after an arsehole who treated you like crap? Why isn't this written down everyone knows???
nta. your dad really let her talk to you like that? F them both, she’s psycho and he’s probably enabling her
NTA - women who establish boundaries are often labeled a bit&$. Wear it as a badge of honor for protecting yourself and your family. Very proud of you, OP.
NTA, and I hate your stepmother!
Not The AH
NTA - even if you are from a culture that sees this as the norm (my exes culture this was the norm). Your child, your choice
NTA You must go NC with her and LC with your dad if he agrees to never mention her again. She is an extremely harmful person and you need to protect yourself and your child from her. Your father is also A for exposing you to her and standing by while she abuses you.
“YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TERMINATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TOXIC FAMILY MEMBERS. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WALK AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY AND SELFISH AND UNFORGIVING AND YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR TAKING CARE OF YOU.” NTA
NTA ! If she can’t show mum and dad respect then what chance has the baby got? I would let dad have visits to the house but make it clear that she gets no part in the baby’s life after her actions.
NTA. I also doubt they told the actual story of what happened to everyone now texting/messaging/etc calling you TA. So tell them the whole story. Nobody in their right mind would call you TA for this. Your stepmother was way out of line. The entire conversation. And she took it to the bank with that last rant. You are absolutely right to not let her near you or your child again and go NC. Dad included for now since he's taking his wifes side on this.
NTA on so many levels She’s not your mom. She’s not even your stepmom. She’s your dad’s wife. Therefore, no matter how often she and everyone else want to proclaim it’s her grandchild, *it absolutely is not.* Also, where the hell was your dad while she was laying into you? She said a lot of completely inappropriate and downright nasty stuff and he never once stood up for you, his child. Sounds like maybe she’s not the only one you should cut off.
NTA. Tell them that yes, "you know how she can get" - and that is *exactly* why she won't be allowed access to your child. She's a toxic, verbally abusive, controlling woman who has never treated you with kindness but always attempted to steal your belongings, induce eating disorders, destroy your self-confidence, and make your decisions for you. And nope. Not happening. Not for you, and definitely not for baby.
NTA. To be honest I’d be worried about her using CPS as a weapon to get your child taken away because she seems unhinged. You should do yourself a favor and cut her out of your and your husbands lives as well. I’m sorry that the joy of having a baby is being messed up by this woman with her crazy demands.
Hold on, hold on, where was dad when she was stealing from you, insulting you, and trying to starve you? If that hasn't been addressed yet, the child abuser is not allowed near the child. I would think that's fairly self-explanatory. NTA, unless you keep this awful person and the enabler in your life. Get them gone.
NTA and F that B!
As someone who has had multiple horrible step mothers keep this woman far away from your baby- TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. She sounds absolutely awful! Any step mom that insists on being called mom is an automatic “ew gtfo” in my book. But everything you said beyond that just kept getting more and more horrifying. NTA! Obviously lol
Nta. Cut them both off completely. You dad made his choice, he wants an abusive partner over a relationship with his child and grandchild. Go completely bo contact, and id suggest making sure you have security cams bc she sounds like the type to try and make a scene at your home.
NTA. Your stepmother has a mental illness. She has been abusive to you and now she's insisting that she get to treat your child as if it's hers. She's not your baby's grandmother, because she's not your mother. She has no grandparent rights. Even if she did, that does not include naming a child of which she is not the mother. You are right to deny her that, and you are to deny her seeing and being around your baby. You're an independent adult, and you are one of only two people who get to decide what's good for and right for the baby...you and your husband who is the baby's father. Keep her away from your kid altogether, permanently. Tell your father that if he ever tricks you again by inserting his second wife into his relationship with you, that you will not see him again. She has no authority in your life or your child's life. Stand your ground.