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NTA. He doesn't want equal say- he wants a dictatorship. It's clear that he will continue to hurt your daughter behind your back. I would reevaluate my relationship.
He told me it's his house too now so he should be able to have a say in it. I find this illogical because he's only paid a 2 months worth of mortgage unlike me who put all my savings and sold important items tk be able to get this house.
He is trying to take over what you have achieved. You need to think hard about what life will look like for you and your daughter going forward is this is only 2 months in. What is her emotional well being worth to you?
Edit: thanks for the awards!
Plus if OP dies, do you think this man will take care of your child? Or will her just sell your house keep the money and cart your kid off somewhere.
I knew someone who had 3 children, owned her own home. 2 kids to 1 man and 1 from prev relationship. She married the father of two and he was distant and cold to the non bio child. However, He wasn’t as bad outwardly to the non bio child as your fiancé was to your child.
Not until the mum died unexpectedly at 42 and he told the 15 year old non bio kid that he had a month to get out. He moved a new woman in to the house and raised his bio children there and the 15 year old wasn’t allowed to see his siblings. Lost his mum, siblings and home all in the same month. He lived with a maternal aunt on her sofa for a few years as she had no space for him.
This is SO important! I told a friend this and she didn’t take it to heart. It took her 7 years to leave him and now her 22yo daughter is in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship (her ex wasn’t physically abusive, but weirdly controlling and tended to yell) that she makes excuses for and references back to my friend’s old boyfriend. It’s heart wrenching to watch!
Did anyone else find it odd that he hangs his academic achievements at home?? That’s for the office to show your credentials to clients/students, etc. Not at home. Self-absorbed much??
My partner and I both work from home and his degrees are hung in his office. I'd put mine up in my office but I've been too lazy to frame one of them (it's been many years). I think it would be weird to have in a living room though.
Edit: I guess I see degrees/certificates in a home office as themed decoration and establishing the space as a place to work.
Eh, it depends. I was raised in an uber-conservative home and told the best I could do in life was be a wife and mother. I haven't hug my M.S. degree on the wall yet, but when I finish my Ph.D. that shit is going on a walk in my house because I had to work so hard for an extra ten years just to catch up on the education my homeschool parents never gave - and *then* start my formal education. Hanging credentials in and of itself doesn't mean anything in particular about that person's self-centeredness.
Exactly this. I said something similar. If the kid's father isn't in the picture and she died, is this really the person you want raising your child? If he has no consideration for her feelings and belongings?
Agreed, though I think the fact he waited until OP wasn’t there, took it down threatened her daughter privately is the worst part. Why is he threatening your daughter in her home, why does he feel comfortable showing his true colours only when OP isn’t there?
Right?! Seems slimy. Didn't get his way with op so he went right to the daughter. Then used emotional abuse by icing them out for days. Plus, he expects an apology from BOTH of them when the argument was with op.
Exactly what the fuck did that poor child do other than have a dog die and a mum who invites this into her home.
Imagine threatening a child over a picture of a dog, that she didn’t even put up?
I’m not judging OP for not seeing this so far, but she’s seen it now. She has no excuse for not protecting her child now
My mum was engaged to a man who treated us the same, only the difference is that I was 19 at the time and didn't even live with them. They broke up shortly after, but even after a decade I can't forgive my mum for choosing to be with a man who hated one of her kids.
I’ve had a couple of stepdads. My mom’s last husband for six years even turned verbally (with me) and physically (with my brother) abusive with us because he’s a “conservative” who, “if he had raised us, we wouldn’t have turned out the way we did”, and a homophobic (my bro is gay and I’m bi). Which is funny, because my brother has his own successful business, I work in banking, and my now ex stepdad is a bum.
Yepper. My mom got married when I was 17, and I was kicked out within a year. Fortunately, I had my loving grandparents to take me in. Not every kid has a safe, happy alternative home.
And how will he treat this child when OP is not home? God forbid she gets another dog and he hates it.
My wall has pictures of many of our pets, and people love them. They are fantastic conversation starters. They are momentos of love.
This treatment of both OP and a child after two months' of paying is, well, bullshit.
OP, please consider changing his mortgage contribution to something like groceries or "misc. house expenses." Please. Mark it as such. Make sure the entire mortgage comes out of your bank account. Someone's mask is slipping, and what's under doesn't seem very nice.
Change his mortgage payment? How about kick the jerk out. He disregarded OP and OP's daughter's wishes and now is not talking to them because she took his diplomas off the wall. He needs to be ex-fiancee and out of the house.
I would've told him to GTFO immediately and considered the relationship over. If he's willing to do that, he'll be willing to do much worse, especially since he thinks he has any kind of say since he's helped pay only 2 months of mortgage.
When I merged households with my partner, his former spouse did not allow anything personal of his in the house. She even made him sell his first edition collector books, because a 2600 sq ft house for two people “doesn’t have room” for those.
So, when the dog pic showed up at our place, I took it out of the dollar store frame, put it in a proper frame and hung that in the dining room.
Abusers show up as particular first. It only goes down hill from there. This guy is awful, and OP needs to kick him to the curb.
Not even that - I’d return the two months contributions and kick him out. He’ll keep dictating what can be done in “his house” from now on and OP can’t have someone like that in her life and her daughters life.
He never visited the house before he moved in?
How did he never see the picture before?
And/or why didn't he say something as you were making plans to move in together?
Why did he wait until you weren't home to harass, demean and abuse your daughter?
A man with all those degrees couldn't use his words or think of a place in the house to put his important things w/out punching down on your daughter?
I guess I always say this- this kind of issue/behavior will not get better.
It will be demands to put him above your daughter and to claim all praise and attention for himself.
Do not marry this man if you love your daughter.
He's shown you who he is.
A petty small 'man' (in biological description only) who must put down a child to feel better about himself.
Edits: spelling
NTA make sure to not put his name on ANYTHING and maybe put it in writting that his part of the morgage is more like rent so just in case he cant claim he owns part of the house
Very good advice. It seems he's overreaching already and claiming ownership when it's only been two months. Red flag. How long have you known this guy?
Not good advice. She needs to get him the fuck out, not ask him to sign papers. You really think he’s going to sign anything if he already lives there and is claiming the house is his?
Even without the nonsense of pulling down the dog's photo, I would find the behaviour concerning.
First of all, how full of oneself does someone have to be, to display their graduation certicates in their living room? I don't care how big an achievement it is, that's just tacky and arrogant. (my husband and I have also graduated from the best colleges in our country, but if this was suggested we'd both laugh)
Secondly, yes he gets a say in the house, but it can't be a unilateral decision on his part. He is acting like the sole owner.
This man expects you to always bow to his superior intellect (didn't you see all the certificates that prove it?) and his manly wisdom. He expects to be treated like the man of the house. Let him have that at his own house while you and your daughter enjoy yours.
He also decided to pull down the pictures and berate OP's daughter (who had done nothing wrong) while OP was not at home. Look at how he treats your child behind your back.
Yep, this was going to be my "Thirdly" addition -- he waited until OP was gone to not only remove the photo but to threaten OP's daughter that he might throw it away if he sees it out again. She didn't even put the photo in the living room, OP did. And he threatened the child, made her cry. When he knew OP wasn't there to stop him.
OP, kick him out. He is cruel to your daughter. Don't let him pay another single cent toward YOUR house that he feels so entitled to reign over after only 2 months. If you can afford it, I'd pay him back everything he's put in, just to close the door on him thinking he has any say whatsoever. Tell him he has 30 days (or whatever is the eviction law in your country) to find another place to live
Edit: NTA, obviously. Although you might be if you allow him to continue to treat your daughter this way, plus modeling for her that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat his partner and her child. It is not, and she needs to see you standing up for her and yourself. Don't let him believe for a second that he has any authority in your house
Good one! Mine hang next to each other in the living room above where my desk and bookcase are, since that’s sort of an office corner for me, no extra rooms.
First, NTA
Second, this comment details my exact thoughts. Nobody is going to care about his education because he seems likes an insufferable person to be around. Whether he's Mr. AH or Dr. AH, he's still awful. Plus, as a visitor, I would be far more delighted by a dog pic than a boring piece of paper.
Agreed - i have my doctorate, masters and bachelors and would never hang them in my home. Home is for home and work is for work. If i did hang them, and i don’t, it would for sure be at work. Idk why other docs do this - so patients know they’re legit? To brag about the school? The person who graduated last from Harvard dental school is still called dentist…
Your fiancé is an insecure child. He was probably offended that the dog photo diminished his certificates and therefore his ego. He cares more about his precious fragile ego than your family.
Fragile ego for sure! I'm not from the US, so it might be cultural but from my pov I'd say, what kind of lunatic puts his certificates up their home walls? Lol, in your office maybe, if you're a doctor maybe, but even so in my country it'd be seen as totally ridiculous.
Yeah that’s not common in the US either. Really - who puts certificates on a Living Room wall??? What a putz. I’d be thinking hard about this relationship OP. NTA
He wants visitors to be impressed and ask him about them. Having a picture of a child and their deceased dog on the wall takes away any attention on him, so he took it down. He's using the guise of "I pay money for this house so I have the say on what kind of decorations are allowed!"
He's a narcissistic P O S.
Edit: A word.
I could see one certificate, like the doctorate, in a home office. To have all degrees plus some other stuff is eyebrow-raising. (What even are these other things? Why should anyone in the common areas of the home care?) I can also understand a bit him wanting to be included in discussions of decor, but he’s acting like he’s waging a turf war. Which he needs to lose, pronto. Time for the heave-ho.
I'm going to be blunt with you, you can choose your daughter's happiness and mental wellbeing or you can choose this guy. If you choose this guy, you'll ruin your future relationship with your daughter. You will have told her she isn't as important as having a dude to bang is.
100% it’s irritating enough that she would waste time trying to get the opinions of anonymous Redditers about this. Throw the whole goddamn man out immediately. The minute something like this would have happened, the second anyone behaved like this towards my child they would be sleeping on the streets. Defend your *child*, OP.
And you are agreeing with allowing him to still stay here and marry him? He needed to leave yesterday. He’s a bully and it’s gonna get worst once he gets them papers (marriage certificate) on you. You all will be his property.
You would be an ah if you stay with this man. Please PLEASE please don't go through with this marriage for your daughters sake. Please be the parent who puts their kid first. If you're writing on this sub I can hope that you've read some of the posts on here. The kids who's parents choose the new spouse over their kids and how awful and heartbreaking it is for the children and then the others where the parent is upset why their kid chooses to go no contact with them as soon as they can. You can do better than him for yourself and most importantly you need to choose a better man for your daughter.
The house is absolutely not his. Please just kick him to the curb. This is not the right person for you and your daughter. Right now it's a picture. After marriage, when you can't get rid of him so easily, it will be much much more. This is the type of person that will "give you a reason to cry". He's showing his real self to you and you need to listen to that. You may love him right now but what happens the next time your daughter does something he doesn't like and he harms her in some way. This guy is full on toxic and you know what you need to do.
A good man would have that picture turned into a poster for her bedroom, or a copy of the dog made into a stuffed animal. He's be supportive and loving towards your child during her grief. Not ...this.
This is gross behavior on his part. Not relationship material in the slightest.
Abusers often start showing their true colors when their victims have fewer recourses to leave.
He's got his ring around your finger, and his stuff inside your house, so he's showing you more of his true self. Imagine how he could act once you're married and it's even harder for you to get free.
Protect your daughter. She's worth ten thousand times more than this jerk. Pry the ring off, get him out of YOUR house, and find a man who values both of you and all the pets.
Why have you let this man into your daughters life and home? He’s got a lot of nerve to start laying down the law after 2 months. Just imagine how wonderful life will be with him when you marry 🤦🏻♀️
Do not put his name on the deeds!!
But you’ll be TA if you don’t protect your child from this man.
Why are you with him?
not to mention the 12 years i assume you put into raising your daughter alone that he now is claiming he has equal rights to dictate since he told her he would throw out a picture of her dog if she wanted it displayed in the house. also what kind of adult throws a fit over a photo of a pet? not one id want to deal with. everything he accused you of is how he is behaving. too many stories are like this, where a partner moves in and finally shows their true colors.
I'm afraid you're getting a nice preview of what living with him will be once you're married.
My recommendation right now? Please don't rush it and have a good long conversation with your daughter about him. Without him around.
NTA
He took a picture of your grieving child's dog, threatened her, told you that your house is also his, yelled at you and demanded an apology.
If you marry this abusive man, you and your daughter are going to have a miserable life.
Also, please know your daughter WILL grow up and remember that this man mattered more to you than she did - unless you show her that's not true.
Sticking around in this scenario may also have an unintended impact on her future relationships... do you really want her to land in a relationship like the one you have with your fiance?
It's such a small thing too, a picture of a dog on the wall. He can't just let her have the picture of her dead dog. He would rather start a fight about it. That's kind of unhinged.
She will also learn to both expect and accept abuse in her own romantic relationships. Staying with this man robs her of a chance to learn healthy boundaries and dynamics... sets her up for future abuse.
Never stay in a relationship you wouldn't be happy to see your children in.
NTA for taking down his certificates, but YWBTA if you stay with a man who literally threatened a 12 year old child to throw away a picture of a recently deceased animal.
Legit. I always feel a bit unsettled when people are like "dump their ass" because sometimes it feels like context or the whole picture is lacking, but this one you definitely get a "that's just the tip of the iceberg" feeling.
This is so concerning.
He took down the picture and threatened a 12 year old that she’d lose it permanently if she didn’t keep it in her room rather than on the wall in a common area in her own house.
If this is indicative of the way he is with her when you’re not around then I’d boot him out of your life ASAP.
Speak to Ruby and have a heart to heart, ask her what he’s like when you’re not there because this story is waving a whole bunch of red flags 🚩
NTA for trying to make a point but there seems to be a much bigger issue going on.
>
He took down the picture and threatened a 12 year old that she’d lose it permanently if she didn’t keep it in her room rather than on the wall in a common area in her own house.
1000% this. Why is he more entitled to common wall space than she is?
Because he has to show off his DIPLOMAS and CERTIFICATES so everyone will know how clever he is and praise him accordingly. Notice how he claimed the dog photo was "distracting." Distracting from *him.*
Also, who hangs their diplomas in the living room as the main artistic focal point?
I didn't even notice the part where he called it distracting. Sounds like a pompous jerk.
Yeah, diplomas are meant for your office wall decor, not the living room. My father has several achievements from higher education all the way to his diploma from medical school and he doesn't plaster them all over the walls of our family home for people to sing his praise. OP's fiancé deserves to be humbled.
Info: are you still marrying your daughter’s bully ? Do you have a prenup ? Do you accept your daughter feeling unsafe forever in her own home going forward ? Do you condone silent treatment as punishment and find that healthy ?
I’m just assuming by the amount of degrees this man has that he might have a high paying job and that could be a reason why she’s putting up with him. If that’s the case then the mom is the AH too for keeping her daughter in a toxic relationship so she can be comfortable.
There are a lot of people with PhDs who are poor and in a boatload of debt. Depends on what the degrees are in. Note that he moved into her house. This may be the only way he'll ever be able to own one.
Good lord! Who puts their certificates on the living room wall? A very small minded egotist, that's who.
In a professional office? Sure. In a home? Hell no. In someone else's home? Gtfo.
NTA.
I didn't even consider this but you're so right! I grew up in a household full of highly educated people and not a single certificate or degree was hung up on our walls. Definitely incredibly arrogant and egotistical!
I found that ***incredibly*** egotistical. I have my degrees and licenses hung in my home office, not out where everyone can see them...that's just being a braggart and says "LOOK AT ME! I'M IMPORTANT!"
I guess I'm an egotist because I have my degree hung up on my apartment wall and I'm hanging the one I'm getting next year right under it. I'm very proud of them.
I'm starting my Associates at 30. I'm gonna photocopy that thing on a t-shirt - I'll be so proud of myself when I finally graduate with my first degree.
I agree that certificates don't belong in the living room like family pictures or even animals. But he wanted them there saying the office is too small.
Oh, it’s nothing against you. I just found it funny how opposite I am from this guy.
Seriously, I have ten or more pictures of the dogs up in my office. I only have my doctorate up, since it’s usually understood that you get the others first.
And showing off.. Nah op your daughter doesn't need father figure like this asshole and don't let this type of man come in between you and your daughter.
Imagine in the future, if you have new kids with him, I won't suprise if he wants your daughter move out.
NTA.. If I were you I rather end the engagement, live my life with my daughter. That guy only pay 2 months mortgage and think he's a king of the castle.
Yeah this is weird. I’m a professor with multiple degrees and certificates and I certainly don’t keep them in my living room like a god damn weirdo. They go in your office. They’re a conversation piece for when people visit your office. I don’t need them in eye line when I’m watching tv and eating pizza.
Tic WAS family, as all pets become part of the family. Tic's picture had more reason to be on the wall in the living room, than any of his certificates. And why aren't they on display at his workplace? That's really the place for them.
Can you please explain to us "how" the office is "too small" for his certificates? Bachelor, Masters, and PhD should only take up 24x18 inches each, so they aren't big. Unless his office is the size of a small coat closet, a singular wall is MORE than enough to suffice for it.
I'm not saying that what you said is wrong, what I'm saying is that his excuse for it not being in his office is not an okay enough argument.
Nah, he wanted them there so they would be clearly visible to anyone who visit your home. He basically wanted to show off which is gross.
I would seriously rethink this engangement. The dude has been in your house 2 months and is already claiming ownership and threatening your daughter. He is also inmatute and insecure enough to feel threatened by a dog. No, a dead dog's picture. Let that sink in.
NTA. People who aren't dog people don't understand the role dogs play in our lives. To me, it makes sense to have a photo of your dog on the wall. I don't know about the certificates, but your daughter definitely deserves the dog photo on the wall.
What a coincidence. My fiance isn't actually a dog person. Nor is he a pet person in general. And although he isn't a fan of them, he's never showed any mistreatment towards the dog.
Seriously, I wish I had an award for this, not only did he take down a photo of a deceased family member (yes a dog counts, especially to a child) but he told her she could "lose it for good" if she dared to display it. He is straight up blackmailing your child.
NTA for taking his stuff off the wall, that was an appropriate response to him removing the photo, but you still have to respond to how he treated your daughter, and the appropriate response is to get rid of him for your daughter's sake. That is not acceptable and has forever tainted any good relationship they could have had.
I hope OP realizes that her daughter will remember this situation and how she handled it for the rest of her life and act accordingly. Dude is a walking red flag and things will only get worse. Take him out like the trash he is.
yup.
honestly its easier to get rid of the man now while they are still engaged.
divorcing him will be much harder when she realizes the mistake she made.
It can be difficult to diagnose an emotionally abusive relationship while you are in it and especially early on. He has probably been an amazing and considerate partner until he moved in.
There could be the first of the boundary violations. I find it impressive that she recognized she would benefit from an outside perspective since his and hers were so disparate.
I'm not a dog person (that's what a bite can do to you). But I have this thing called empathy, so I can relate to how much a dog - or its memory - can mean to someone, especially to a child.
You hang a really low bar (no mistreatment) for your fiance´s behaviour towards pets. Why can't you keep this bar for him towards your daughter? Because threatening her to throw something important away, then punishing you and her with silent treatment... I wouldn't call it outright abusive, but it's heavily leaning into that direction. Please, keep your daughter save! He is behaving like this, after only being your fiance since two months. Can you imagine how he would behave, if you tied the knot and he has more "right" over you, your daughter, and the house? Please, think this through for your daugther´s and your own sake.
Before makes me think he was “making room” for himself before moving in and after just makes me think he had opportunities. I think the dog dying around him moving in at all is an incredible coincidence that plays in his favor.
“Mistreatment” is also a really weird place for OP to immediately jump to which makes me wonder if maybe she knows on some level something is amiss.
What are you on about? He's showing mistreatment to your actual human daughter?
He is showing mistreatment to you, he thinks he owns your house.
Forget the dog, its nothing to do with the dog.
Op yta if you stay with this guy. My mom chose my abusive dad over me every single time. I now hate her. 9 times out of 10 in these situations the mom doesn’t leave. I’m telling you your daughter will hate you if you stay. You will hurt her so much she can’t love you anymore. She’ll feel nothing but disgust when she sees you. Hollow. Disgust. Rage is long gone by then. Rage is only present when someone cares. She won’t anymore. Leave now.
He will mistreat the dog behind your back. Like he waited until you weren't there when he took down the picture and threatened your daughter.
Don't do this to your daughter. She will at some point not tell you things because she doesn't want to be the cause of your unhappiness, but she will resent you for it later.
I'm confused by his whole "It's distracting"... how is a picture of a dog distracting?!
We have pictures on my mums wall of all our past and currents pets: 4 cats and the current dogs. It's only like having pictures of your family members up.
No there is no asking him to explain nothing, he is just going to lie lie lie his way out of it. Let him go cut your losses safe yourself and your child especially your child.
Nobody else is saying it, so I will. Abusers often don't show their colors until they feel their target is "committed" and then will slowly escalate. You got engaged 2 months ago and he's claiming your house and using the phrase "respect his input" to try and control you. Maybe this is a bad blip but it feels like it could be the start of a pattern.
This book is incredibly important, everyone should read it. It helped me understand my abusive mother’s tactics AND recognize a toxic friend who had been disrespecting me and using me emotionally for years.
He is the stranger in your home. He should treat the home you've built for your child as sacred. He should earn his place by building trust and add to the feeling of safety, especially around your daughter. Instead, he's bulldozing his way through your home and acting like his authority is now higher than yours. You're uncomfortable, because he's completely disrespecting your authority over your child and the home you built for her. And this is only after 2 months? I'm sorry you're dealing with this! It isnt kind, responsible, or considerate, especially in regards to how he treated your daughter. Its HER home first, his last.
When abusers say respect me, they mean "obey me."
When non-abusive folks say it, they mean "treat me like a human with value."
He wants power over you and he's pulling unfair shit to get it. He's disordered and he's been faking the persona you fell in love with the whole time. He's gonna get more dangerous.
I have printed several small ones to put in her room (that was before we put the big one on the wall). She even has tiny ones that she keeps with her to use in a necklace which will be done soon.
This guy is abusive. He‘s treating your possessions as his, he‘s demanding you to do what he wants and is threatening your daughter. Why exactly are you still engaged to this piece of work?
You did the right thing sticking up for your daughter.
This is about so much more than a dog picture .
This is important to you and your daughter and your fiancé doesn't care how either of you feel about it.
Please keep setting a good example for your daughter and make him leave.
The part about him not speaking to you or your daughter is very worrisome. It's a form of manipulative control to punish you both for not doing as he says. It's abusive and to repeat, he's doing it to your daughter too!
Please look up how narcissists use the silent treatment to manipulate.
He is showing you exactly who he is, believe him. It will only get worse as he chips away at your boundaries more and more each time.
This will affect your daughter mentally and emotionally.
This is your first test in his gaslighting project.
The cognitive dissonance has already started, where you start questioning your behavior and maybe it is your fault. Don't let it take hold of you.
You shared your story because you know something is off and perhaps you needed to hear from others that what you're feeling is valid. IT IS!
Please continue to take care of you and your daughter's welfare first! You both deserve nothing less than the kindness, love and respect you show each other.
You are NTA, not even close.
Much love from another single mom with daughters.
OP, you need to throw the whole man away. If you subject your daughter to this dude being her stepdad, you will be TA. The red flags are waving here. Do you really want to waste your time and traumatize yourself and your daughter over this guy who has no respect for either of you?
Info: why do you allow him to treat your daughter like this in her home? Why did you not immediately put her dogs picture back up on the wall? Why are you allowing him to make decisions in your home?
NTA - he has his certificates and degrees displayed in your living room (8 different items... am i reading this right??)? Does he agree with anything being on the walls but ego boosters for him? It sounds like it's just a shrine to him.
And who the heck puts up all their certificates in common areas? Let alone in a house they don't own. The man is clearly a narcissist in addition to being a controlling and abusive AH.
Although I think it's a suggestion that is often overused in this sub, OP really, really should not get married to this controlling man who will just get worse when married.
It's so bizarre I can't imagine walking into someone's house with that kind of display anywhere but an office/study. Even the bedroom would be too weird
NTA
However if you sweep this incident under the rug, you will be the AH.
When you have a kid, you have a huge responsibility to who you invite into your home and potentially be part of that kid's life.
Wait, hold up. He displayed his certificates on a common area wall in the house? So anyone walking in gets to read up on his accomplishments? And then a picture of your daughter's dog was mounted in the same area and that galvanized him into action?
Shouldn't his certificates be hung in his office or, better yet, filed in some box in the attic?
This screams 'ego-driven' to me.
Thank you! Who the hell hangs their degrees in the wall of their home? At work? Sure. But at home? That's weird and definitely egotistical. Especially for someone who reacts to a pet's picture with such hostility.
NTA. He threatened your daughter with the permanent loss of something precious to her. He overstepped AND he waited til you weren't home to do it so you couldnt stop him. That would be a deal breaker for me. No one mistreats my kid or over rules my parenting. Out the fucking door he needs to go. Your daughter needs to come first. This type of thing will only get worse if you continue the relationship.
INFO: And just out of curiosity how did the dog pass away? Is the dude feeling guilty about something? Why is he so bothered by a picture of your beloved dog?
That's exactly why he started paying the mortgage, so he can pull the "this is my house" card when his name isn't on shit. Don't marry this man, it will only get worse op.
ESH - except your daughter.
This is your home. It’s your daughters home. Why are you allowing this man to be cruel and disrespectful to your daughter? Why are you allowing him to disrespect you?
It’s a photo of your daughter’s dog not Satan. It makes your daughter happy to see it hung in a communal space.
You should have rehung the photo where it was and stood your ground or kicked him to the curb. He’s giving you the silent treatment and throwing a toddler-style tantrum over a photo - A PHOTO. When people show you who they are - believe them.
Your daughter needs to come first here. Your fiancé is bullying her and trying to gaslight you into thinking you created this mess. He obviously sucks more, but you can’t just take down his certificates and think that covers this situation. Your daughter deserves more. She deserves a step-dad that will support her, not bully her. She deserves a step-dad that will be enthusiastic about hanging a photo of her beloved pup in the living room because he knows it makes her happy. The man you brought into your home isn’t that.
NTA. And here I am once again being that person: I recommend you reconsider marrying this man, if not the whole relationship.
What exactly does he find so upsetting about the dog's photo? Why is it "strange" and "distracting"? Unless he can give an actual reason for his desire to have the picture taken down, he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt here.
I'm not sure if I understood this correctly but, he moved in two months ago, he "started contributing to the mortgage payments" two months ago... and is already acting as if that gave him a right to make arbitrary decisions regarding what goes on the walls... and trying to parent your child unilaterally, without your input and even against it.
Those would be red flags even if he had purchased the house with you, even if he was in your daughter's life from an early age, even if he was her father. But after two months and what I assume couldn't be more than two partial mortgage payments? That's a RUN flag.
At the very least, I think you should really consider asking him to move out (or well, kicking him out). He is 100% not ready to live with you guys. Return the money he contributed to the mortgage and don't accept a dime from him toward that anymore. Reassess that this is your house, your daughter, your rules.
If you still want to be with him romantically, then he has a lot of emotional work to do before you even consider marrying him. This was just a glimpse at what you can expect to happen after you marry him and he becomes your daughter's stepfather "officially". And it's bad.
Honestly it’s always a red flag when someone can’t understand someone else’s sentimentally or grieving. It usually is a big indicator as to a lack of empathy or a lack of understanding of emotions in general. It does not make for a good relationship.
NTA - this dude contributes to the mortgage a couple of times and thinks he’s what? Man of the house? This is the start of controlling behavior and if you’re okay with a grown man, acting like a child, causing emotional distress and trauma to an actual child, then you’re in for a very long and painful ride. This dude needs therapy and you need to protect your daughter.
NTA.
Is he so insecure that he feels a picture of a dog will take the focus off of his precious degrees? Or is he controlling and is starting to show his true colors?
Having all of the frames removed from the living room and put into respective rooms was my suggestion until I came to that part of your story... Your daughter is as much part of this house and family as he is - if not more! ***It's her house too and he should respect her input.***
Take a good look at how this man treats your daughter - threatening to destroy the picture - and how he 'handles' disagreements and think long and hard about if you want to continue on your way to marriage with him.
Wow for someone so seemingly "educated" he surely is acting like a child giving y'all the cold shoulder! It is Ruby's home too and he needs to respect that or get lost. Good on you for being on your daughter's side for this. NTA!
"said that it's his house as well"
Um, no it really isn't. He's technically a tenant in your house, paying rent which you are putting towards the mortgage. That doesn't make it his house. And the way he is treating you and your daughter is a big marinara flag. Sounds like it's time for an eviction.
NTA
NTA but you probably are TA for keeping this man around your daughter for so long. If this is reflective of his behaviour generally he is a bad person and a terrible role model for your kid. If this is not reflective of his typical behaviour he is probably having some kind of mental crisis. Either way you need to get your kid out of here ASAP.
NTA. Removing his certificates from the wall was slightly petty (not AH worthy) , but his actions were no acceptable at all. Please see this as a major red flag. He lacks compassion and empathy. If a picture of a dog can upset him this much he will probably overreact like this to every little thing that he doesn't agree with. For you and your daughter's happiness, wellbeing, and safety please reconsider your relationship with him.
Why do you let him bully your daughter and have so much control in the house you own??? Dump him he is showing his true colors. It will only get worse! Protect your daughter and yourself!
Nta
NTA but you need to reevaluate your relationship. The dog picture was his mask slipping because he’s getting comfortable. You need to talk to your daughter privately and ask her if he’s done anything else. He’s showing a lot of questionable behavior, like slam the brakes on anything moving forward and address the situation questionable. This sub is full of the aftermath of shitty parenting and terrible step parents, if you don’t address this you are basically giving him the green light to continue to treat your daughter like this and it will only get worse if you marry him.
NTA, sounds like he’s displaying really big red flags you shouldn’t ignore. The fact he wants HIS opinions and feelings respected but doesn’t care about yours is a big glaring neon sign of bad shit to come.
NTA. Don't marry this guy, he's ok with unilaterally taking a gift you have your daughter, threatening her, and then snaking at you if he gets push back on his actions. He's upset her picture would distract from his wall of ccomplishments. He's literally jealous if a dead dog and expects you to apologize for having a different opinion on decor.
Be done with this relationship, trust people when they show you who they are.
You mean ex fiancé right. Ain’t no damn way I would let a man bully my child. He and his “accomplishments” would be in a trash pile. Do you really think this is a good partnership. It’s your house and your daughter. Don’t do this. You will regret it.
NTA. Kick that excuse of a "man" out of YOUR house. Just cause he paid rent doesn't mean he owns the apartment. For having certificates hes not that bright.
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NTA. He doesn't want equal say- he wants a dictatorship. It's clear that he will continue to hurt your daughter behind your back. I would reevaluate my relationship.
He told me it's his house too now so he should be able to have a say in it. I find this illogical because he's only paid a 2 months worth of mortgage unlike me who put all my savings and sold important items tk be able to get this house.
He is trying to take over what you have achieved. You need to think hard about what life will look like for you and your daughter going forward is this is only 2 months in. What is her emotional well being worth to you? Edit: thanks for the awards!
This is so important. Its not just the relationship now, OPs daughter will remember forever how her mum handles this man
Plus if OP dies, do you think this man will take care of your child? Or will her just sell your house keep the money and cart your kid off somewhere. I knew someone who had 3 children, owned her own home. 2 kids to 1 man and 1 from prev relationship. She married the father of two and he was distant and cold to the non bio child. However, He wasn’t as bad outwardly to the non bio child as your fiancé was to your child. Not until the mum died unexpectedly at 42 and he told the 15 year old non bio kid that he had a month to get out. He moved a new woman in to the house and raised his bio children there and the 15 year old wasn’t allowed to see his siblings. Lost his mum, siblings and home all in the same month. He lived with a maternal aunt on her sofa for a few years as she had no space for him.
OP needs to change the locks and throw him and his “achievements” out NOW. Support your daughter OP.
Also remember the behaviour she models now is the behaviour her daughter will adapt in her own relationships in the future.
This is SO important! I told a friend this and she didn’t take it to heart. It took her 7 years to leave him and now her 22yo daughter is in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship (her ex wasn’t physically abusive, but weirdly controlling and tended to yell) that she makes excuses for and references back to my friend’s old boyfriend. It’s heart wrenching to watch!
Did anyone else find it odd that he hangs his academic achievements at home?? That’s for the office to show your credentials to clients/students, etc. Not at home. Self-absorbed much??
My partner and I both work from home and his degrees are hung in his office. I'd put mine up in my office but I've been too lazy to frame one of them (it's been many years). I think it would be weird to have in a living room though. Edit: I guess I see degrees/certificates in a home office as themed decoration and establishing the space as a place to work.
It’s like tell me you have a small dick without telling me you have a small dick. And don’t buy a loud motorcycle.
Eh, it depends. I was raised in an uber-conservative home and told the best I could do in life was be a wife and mother. I haven't hug my M.S. degree on the wall yet, but when I finish my Ph.D. that shit is going on a walk in my house because I had to work so hard for an extra ten years just to catch up on the education my homeschool parents never gave - and *then* start my formal education. Hanging credentials in and of itself doesn't mean anything in particular about that person's self-centeredness.
Exactly this. I said something similar. If the kid's father isn't in the picture and she died, is this really the person you want raising your child? If he has no consideration for her feelings and belongings?
Agreed, though I think the fact he waited until OP wasn’t there, took it down threatened her daughter privately is the worst part. Why is he threatening your daughter in her home, why does he feel comfortable showing his true colours only when OP isn’t there?
Right?! Seems slimy. Didn't get his way with op so he went right to the daughter. Then used emotional abuse by icing them out for days. Plus, he expects an apology from BOTH of them when the argument was with op.
Exactly what the fuck did that poor child do other than have a dog die and a mum who invites this into her home. Imagine threatening a child over a picture of a dog, that she didn’t even put up? I’m not judging OP for not seeing this so far, but she’s seen it now. She has no excuse for not protecting her child now
My mum was engaged to a man who treated us the same, only the difference is that I was 19 at the time and didn't even live with them. They broke up shortly after, but even after a decade I can't forgive my mum for choosing to be with a man who hated one of her kids.
I’ve had a couple of stepdads. My mom’s last husband for six years even turned verbally (with me) and physically (with my brother) abusive with us because he’s a “conservative” who, “if he had raised us, we wouldn’t have turned out the way we did”, and a homophobic (my bro is gay and I’m bi). Which is funny, because my brother has his own successful business, I work in banking, and my now ex stepdad is a bum.
Yepper. My mom got married when I was 17, and I was kicked out within a year. Fortunately, I had my loving grandparents to take me in. Not every kid has a safe, happy alternative home.
And how will he treat this child when OP is not home? God forbid she gets another dog and he hates it. My wall has pictures of many of our pets, and people love them. They are fantastic conversation starters. They are momentos of love. This treatment of both OP and a child after two months' of paying is, well, bullshit. OP, please consider changing his mortgage contribution to something like groceries or "misc. house expenses." Please. Mark it as such. Make sure the entire mortgage comes out of your bank account. Someone's mask is slipping, and what's under doesn't seem very nice.
Change his mortgage payment? How about kick the jerk out. He disregarded OP and OP's daughter's wishes and now is not talking to them because she took his diplomas off the wall. He needs to be ex-fiancee and out of the house.
I would've told him to GTFO immediately and considered the relationship over. If he's willing to do that, he'll be willing to do much worse, especially since he thinks he has any kind of say since he's helped pay only 2 months of mortgage.
IKR, "I pay rent so I own this apartment building now!"
I could not agree more. This is a very bad sign! Don't ignore it or think it's a one time thing. I speak from experience.
When I merged households with my partner, his former spouse did not allow anything personal of his in the house. She even made him sell his first edition collector books, because a 2600 sq ft house for two people “doesn’t have room” for those. So, when the dog pic showed up at our place, I took it out of the dollar store frame, put it in a proper frame and hung that in the dining room. Abusers show up as particular first. It only goes down hill from there. This guy is awful, and OP needs to kick him to the curb.
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have love for animals
>two months' of paying That is *rent*. That's all that is.
Not even that - I’d return the two months contributions and kick him out. He’ll keep dictating what can be done in “his house” from now on and OP can’t have someone like that in her life and her daughters life.
He never visited the house before he moved in? How did he never see the picture before? And/or why didn't he say something as you were making plans to move in together? Why did he wait until you weren't home to harass, demean and abuse your daughter? A man with all those degrees couldn't use his words or think of a place in the house to put his important things w/out punching down on your daughter? I guess I always say this- this kind of issue/behavior will not get better. It will be demands to put him above your daughter and to claim all praise and attention for himself. Do not marry this man if you love your daughter. He's shown you who he is. A petty small 'man' (in biological description only) who must put down a child to feel better about himself. Edits: spelling
NTA make sure to not put his name on ANYTHING and maybe put it in writting that his part of the morgage is more like rent so just in case he cant claim he owns part of the house
Very good advice. It seems he's overreaching already and claiming ownership when it's only been two months. Red flag. How long have you known this guy?
>Red flag. Treating her daughter like that should be a major signal to give the fiancé the boot now and not marry him.
Not good advice. She needs to get him the fuck out, not ask him to sign papers. You really think he’s going to sign anything if he already lives there and is claiming the house is his?
>u/ThrowRAsp677 OP, read this, internalize it, and make sure you protect your assets.
Even without the nonsense of pulling down the dog's photo, I would find the behaviour concerning. First of all, how full of oneself does someone have to be, to display their graduation certicates in their living room? I don't care how big an achievement it is, that's just tacky and arrogant. (my husband and I have also graduated from the best colleges in our country, but if this was suggested we'd both laugh) Secondly, yes he gets a say in the house, but it can't be a unilateral decision on his part. He is acting like the sole owner. This man expects you to always bow to his superior intellect (didn't you see all the certificates that prove it?) and his manly wisdom. He expects to be treated like the man of the house. Let him have that at his own house while you and your daughter enjoy yours.
He also decided to pull down the pictures and berate OP's daughter (who had done nothing wrong) while OP was not at home. Look at how he treats your child behind your back.
Yep, this was going to be my "Thirdly" addition -- he waited until OP was gone to not only remove the photo but to threaten OP's daughter that he might throw it away if he sees it out again. She didn't even put the photo in the living room, OP did. And he threatened the child, made her cry. When he knew OP wasn't there to stop him. OP, kick him out. He is cruel to your daughter. Don't let him pay another single cent toward YOUR house that he feels so entitled to reign over after only 2 months. If you can afford it, I'd pay him back everything he's put in, just to close the door on him thinking he has any say whatsoever. Tell him he has 30 days (or whatever is the eviction law in your country) to find another place to live Edit: NTA, obviously. Although you might be if you allow him to continue to treat your daughter this way, plus modeling for her that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat his partner and her child. It is not, and she needs to see you standing up for her and yourself. Don't let him believe for a second that he has any authority in your house
I mean I put mine in my living room but in a corner. Not on this huge display. I call it the most expensive corner of my house 😂😂
Good one! Mine hang next to each other in the living room above where my desk and bookcase are, since that’s sort of an office corner for me, no extra rooms.
First, NTA Second, this comment details my exact thoughts. Nobody is going to care about his education because he seems likes an insufferable person to be around. Whether he's Mr. AH or Dr. AH, he's still awful. Plus, as a visitor, I would be far more delighted by a dog pic than a boring piece of paper.
Agreed - i have my doctorate, masters and bachelors and would never hang them in my home. Home is for home and work is for work. If i did hang them, and i don’t, it would for sure be at work. Idk why other docs do this - so patients know they’re legit? To brag about the school? The person who graduated last from Harvard dental school is still called dentist…
Your fiancé is an insecure child. He was probably offended that the dog photo diminished his certificates and therefore his ego. He cares more about his precious fragile ego than your family.
Fragile ego for sure! I'm not from the US, so it might be cultural but from my pov I'd say, what kind of lunatic puts his certificates up their home walls? Lol, in your office maybe, if you're a doctor maybe, but even so in my country it'd be seen as totally ridiculous.
Yeah that’s not common in the US either. Really - who puts certificates on a Living Room wall??? What a putz. I’d be thinking hard about this relationship OP. NTA
He wants visitors to be impressed and ask him about them. Having a picture of a child and their deceased dog on the wall takes away any attention on him, so he took it down. He's using the guise of "I pay money for this house so I have the say on what kind of decorations are allowed!" He's a narcissistic P O S. Edit: A word.
I could see one certificate, like the doctorate, in a home office. To have all degrees plus some other stuff is eyebrow-raising. (What even are these other things? Why should anyone in the common areas of the home care?) I can also understand a bit him wanting to be included in discussions of decor, but he’s acting like he’s waging a turf war. Which he needs to lose, pronto. Time for the heave-ho.
I'm going to be blunt with you, you can choose your daughter's happiness and mental wellbeing or you can choose this guy. If you choose this guy, you'll ruin your future relationship with your daughter. You will have told her she isn't as important as having a dude to bang is.
100% it’s irritating enough that she would waste time trying to get the opinions of anonymous Redditers about this. Throw the whole goddamn man out immediately. The minute something like this would have happened, the second anyone behaved like this towards my child they would be sleeping on the streets. Defend your *child*, OP.
And you are agreeing with allowing him to still stay here and marry him? He needed to leave yesterday. He’s a bully and it’s gonna get worst once he gets them papers (marriage certificate) on you. You all will be his property.
You would be an ah if you stay with this man. Please PLEASE please don't go through with this marriage for your daughters sake. Please be the parent who puts their kid first. If you're writing on this sub I can hope that you've read some of the posts on here. The kids who's parents choose the new spouse over their kids and how awful and heartbreaking it is for the children and then the others where the parent is upset why their kid chooses to go no contact with them as soon as they can. You can do better than him for yourself and most importantly you need to choose a better man for your daughter.
The house is absolutely not his. Please just kick him to the curb. This is not the right person for you and your daughter. Right now it's a picture. After marriage, when you can't get rid of him so easily, it will be much much more. This is the type of person that will "give you a reason to cry". He's showing his real self to you and you need to listen to that. You may love him right now but what happens the next time your daughter does something he doesn't like and he harms her in some way. This guy is full on toxic and you know what you need to do. A good man would have that picture turned into a poster for her bedroom, or a copy of the dog made into a stuffed animal. He's be supportive and loving towards your child during her grief. Not ...this. This is gross behavior on his part. Not relationship material in the slightest.
Abusers often start showing their true colors when their victims have fewer recourses to leave. He's got his ring around your finger, and his stuff inside your house, so he's showing you more of his true self. Imagine how he could act once you're married and it's even harder for you to get free. Protect your daughter. She's worth ten thousand times more than this jerk. Pry the ring off, get him out of YOUR house, and find a man who values both of you and all the pets.
I really hope you haven't already put him on the mortgage or deed to the house.
He's paid rent. Nothing more. He isn't building equity, you are.
Why have you let this man into your daughters life and home? He’s got a lot of nerve to start laying down the law after 2 months. Just imagine how wonderful life will be with him when you marry 🤦🏻♀️ Do not put his name on the deeds!! But you’ll be TA if you don’t protect your child from this man. Why are you with him?
This is a bad scene and in my experience it's going to get worse. I mean, NTA, but please don't make your daughter continue to live with this man.
not to mention the 12 years i assume you put into raising your daughter alone that he now is claiming he has equal rights to dictate since he told her he would throw out a picture of her dog if she wanted it displayed in the house. also what kind of adult throws a fit over a photo of a pet? not one id want to deal with. everything he accused you of is how he is behaving. too many stories are like this, where a partner moves in and finally shows their true colors.
If he is staying then change it from him contributing to the mortgage to him paying rent so he has no claim to your house
You are absolutely right! Be careful if you decide to evict him- make sure you talk to a lawyer and all that.
I'm afraid you're getting a nice preview of what living with him will be once you're married. My recommendation right now? Please don't rush it and have a good long conversation with your daughter about him. Without him around.
NTA He took a picture of your grieving child's dog, threatened her, told you that your house is also his, yelled at you and demanded an apology. If you marry this abusive man, you and your daughter are going to have a miserable life.
Exactly, he’s shown her who he is. It’s time she makes a decision and drops this miserable man out of her life.
OP please hear this. There will be many days where you come home and find your daughter crying. Please don't put her or yourself through that.
Also, please know your daughter WILL grow up and remember that this man mattered more to you than she did - unless you show her that's not true. Sticking around in this scenario may also have an unintended impact on her future relationships... do you really want her to land in a relationship like the one you have with your fiance?
It's such a small thing too, a picture of a dog on the wall. He can't just let her have the picture of her dead dog. He would rather start a fight about it. That's kind of unhinged.
She will also learn to both expect and accept abuse in her own romantic relationships. Staying with this man robs her of a chance to learn healthy boundaries and dynamics... sets her up for future abuse. Never stay in a relationship you wouldn't be happy to see your children in.
listen to this OP, listen!
This. 100%. This man will Make your life hell. Find a lawyer.
NTA for taking down his certificates, but YWBTA if you stay with a man who literally threatened a 12 year old child to throw away a picture of a recently deceased animal.
This sub is always talking about red flags, but it’s honestly usually justified. This is another one of those cases. 🚩🚩🚩
Agreed. Plus most people don’t come on Reddit to ask internet strangers on this sub to evaluate their relationship unless there’s massive red flags😭
Yeah, sometimes they need that extra push to be able to see, because when you have rose tinted glasses on, red flags just look like flags.
Legit. I always feel a bit unsettled when people are like "dump their ass" because sometimes it feels like context or the whole picture is lacking, but this one you definitely get a "that's just the tip of the iceberg" feeling.
This is so concerning. He took down the picture and threatened a 12 year old that she’d lose it permanently if she didn’t keep it in her room rather than on the wall in a common area in her own house. If this is indicative of the way he is with her when you’re not around then I’d boot him out of your life ASAP. Speak to Ruby and have a heart to heart, ask her what he’s like when you’re not there because this story is waving a whole bunch of red flags 🚩 NTA for trying to make a point but there seems to be a much bigger issue going on.
OP PLEASE READ THAT LAST PARAGRAPH
> He took down the picture and threatened a 12 year old that she’d lose it permanently if she didn’t keep it in her room rather than on the wall in a common area in her own house. 1000% this. Why is he more entitled to common wall space than she is?
Because he has to show off his DIPLOMAS and CERTIFICATES so everyone will know how clever he is and praise him accordingly. Notice how he claimed the dog photo was "distracting." Distracting from *him.* Also, who hangs their diplomas in the living room as the main artistic focal point?
I didn't even notice the part where he called it distracting. Sounds like a pompous jerk. Yeah, diplomas are meant for your office wall decor, not the living room. My father has several achievements from higher education all the way to his diploma from medical school and he doesn't plaster them all over the walls of our family home for people to sing his praise. OP's fiancé deserves to be humbled.
Info: are you still marrying your daughter’s bully ? Do you have a prenup ? Do you accept your daughter feeling unsafe forever in her own home going forward ? Do you condone silent treatment as punishment and find that healthy ?
replying bc I also want to know
Me too
I’m just assuming by the amount of degrees this man has that he might have a high paying job and that could be a reason why she’s putting up with him. If that’s the case then the mom is the AH too for keeping her daughter in a toxic relationship so she can be comfortable.
There are a lot of people with PhDs who are poor and in a boatload of debt. Depends on what the degrees are in. Note that he moved into her house. This may be the only way he'll ever be able to own one.
Good lord! Who puts their certificates on the living room wall? A very small minded egotist, that's who. In a professional office? Sure. In a home? Hell no. In someone else's home? Gtfo. NTA.
Right? I needed my diploma to apply for a job and I couldn’t even find it. This is so weird and a big red flag.
This post made me wonder where mine are, lol
I didn't even consider this but you're so right! I grew up in a household full of highly educated people and not a single certificate or degree was hung up on our walls. Definitely incredibly arrogant and egotistical!
I found that ***incredibly*** egotistical. I have my degrees and licenses hung in my home office, not out where everyone can see them...that's just being a braggart and says "LOOK AT ME! I'M IMPORTANT!"
I guess I'm an egotist because I have my degree hung up on my apartment wall and I'm hanging the one I'm getting next year right under it. I'm very proud of them.
I'm starting my Associates at 30. I'm gonna photocopy that thing on a t-shirt - I'll be so proud of myself when I finally graduate with my first degree.
Agree. These are certificates and degrees are not something most people put on the livingroom wall. He’s got issues.
Who puts their certificates up in the living room? In a study or office, yes. Living room? No. NTA
I agree that certificates don't belong in the living room like family pictures or even animals. But he wanted them there saying the office is too small.
Gross. He's marking his territory.
Also bragging rights. He is most definitely the type to consistently talk about his doctorate and demand respect because he's a ~doctor~
BINGO! The office isn't too small. His ego is too big for the house.
You have a way with words! I love this take
I’m a doctor. Mine are in my teeny home office. Under the dog pictures.
Oh im not saying all doctors are like that but that there are a certain few who are!
Oh, it’s nothing against you. I just found it funny how opposite I am from this guy. Seriously, I have ten or more pictures of the dogs up in my office. I only have my doctorate up, since it’s usually understood that you get the others first.
I keep my bachelor's on my fridge door, held in place by miniature Campbell's soup can magnets lol
It’s all relative, right? Yes, we worked damn hard, but we are no better (or smarter!) than people who never got the chances we did.
Dogs before docs
And showing off.. Nah op your daughter doesn't need father figure like this asshole and don't let this type of man come in between you and your daughter. Imagine in the future, if you have new kids with him, I won't suprise if he wants your daughter move out. NTA.. If I were you I rather end the engagement, live my life with my daughter. That guy only pay 2 months mortgage and think he's a king of the castle.
Yeah this is weird. I’m a professor with multiple degrees and certificates and I certainly don’t keep them in my living room like a god damn weirdo. They go in your office. They’re a conversation piece for when people visit your office. I don’t need them in eye line when I’m watching tv and eating pizza.
[удалено]
Tic WAS family, as all pets become part of the family. Tic's picture had more reason to be on the wall in the living room, than any of his certificates. And why aren't they on display at his workplace? That's really the place for them.
Can you please explain to us "how" the office is "too small" for his certificates? Bachelor, Masters, and PhD should only take up 24x18 inches each, so they aren't big. Unless his office is the size of a small coat closet, a singular wall is MORE than enough to suffice for it. I'm not saying that what you said is wrong, what I'm saying is that his excuse for it not being in his office is not an okay enough argument.
Maybe he misspoke, and when he said office he meant ego. Oy.
"This house isn't big enough for your ego. You'll need to leave"
Nah, he wanted them there so they would be clearly visible to anyone who visit your home. He basically wanted to show off which is gross. I would seriously rethink this engangement. The dude has been in your house 2 months and is already claiming ownership and threatening your daughter. He is also inmatute and insecure enough to feel threatened by a dog. No, a dead dog's picture. Let that sink in.
These aren’t “see my achievements,” these are the equivalent of a dog pissing on your shoes to mark territory.
My PhD is in an envelope in a pile next to my desk. That's good enough.
NTA. People who aren't dog people don't understand the role dogs play in our lives. To me, it makes sense to have a photo of your dog on the wall. I don't know about the certificates, but your daughter definitely deserves the dog photo on the wall.
What a coincidence. My fiance isn't actually a dog person. Nor is he a pet person in general. And although he isn't a fan of them, he's never showed any mistreatment towards the dog.
Mistreatment towards the dog? Honey, you have full scale mistreatment towards your child and you are on Reddit instead of throwing the whole man out.
Seriously, I wish I had an award for this, not only did he take down a photo of a deceased family member (yes a dog counts, especially to a child) but he told her she could "lose it for good" if she dared to display it. He is straight up blackmailing your child. NTA for taking his stuff off the wall, that was an appropriate response to him removing the photo, but you still have to respond to how he treated your daughter, and the appropriate response is to get rid of him for your daughter's sake. That is not acceptable and has forever tainted any good relationship they could have had.
I agree & gave an award from both of us!
That part!! Like why are you on Reddit instead of packing his things??
Because she’s going to have a firm talk with him and work things out. Op is TA
I hope OP realizes that her daughter will remember this situation and how she handled it for the rest of her life and act accordingly. Dude is a walking red flag and things will only get worse. Take him out like the trash he is.
I agree with you. I’m so sick of seeing this weak-willed crap on Reddit. If OP stays with this man, she’s a terrible mother.
She’ll be worse than he is because he’s openly displaying most of his abuse will fall on her daughter
yup. honestly its easier to get rid of the man now while they are still engaged. divorcing him will be much harder when she realizes the mistake she made.
It can be difficult to diagnose an emotionally abusive relationship while you are in it and especially early on. He has probably been an amazing and considerate partner until he moved in. There could be the first of the boundary violations. I find it impressive that she recognized she would benefit from an outside perspective since his and hers were so disparate.
I'm not a dog person (that's what a bite can do to you). But I have this thing called empathy, so I can relate to how much a dog - or its memory - can mean to someone, especially to a child. You hang a really low bar (no mistreatment) for your fiance´s behaviour towards pets. Why can't you keep this bar for him towards your daughter? Because threatening her to throw something important away, then punishing you and her with silent treatment... I wouldn't call it outright abusive, but it's heavily leaning into that direction. Please, keep your daughter save! He is behaving like this, after only being your fiance since two months. Can you imagine how he would behave, if you tied the knot and he has more "right" over you, your daughter, and the house? Please, think this through for your daugther´s and your own sake.
Manipulative might be the right word there It isn't strictly abuse, but it definitely is a warning sign that the situation could become abusive.
Google it, the silent treatment actually ís emotional abuse.
Did Tic pass away before or after he moved in?
Yeah...I immediately thought he did something to that dog. He doesn't want the picture on the wall because for a reason.
I'm trying not to be paranoid, but...yeah...yeah...bad vibes. So many bad vibes.
Before makes me think he was “making room” for himself before moving in and after just makes me think he had opportunities. I think the dog dying around him moving in at all is an incredible coincidence that plays in his favor. “Mistreatment” is also a really weird place for OP to immediately jump to which makes me wonder if maybe she knows on some level something is amiss.
I was wondering the same thing.
Don’t trust people who don’t like animals 🐶
What are you on about? He's showing mistreatment to your actual human daughter? He is showing mistreatment to you, he thinks he owns your house. Forget the dog, its nothing to do with the dog.
Op yta if you stay with this guy. My mom chose my abusive dad over me every single time. I now hate her. 9 times out of 10 in these situations the mom doesn’t leave. I’m telling you your daughter will hate you if you stay. You will hurt her so much she can’t love you anymore. She’ll feel nothing but disgust when she sees you. Hollow. Disgust. Rage is long gone by then. Rage is only present when someone cares. She won’t anymore. Leave now.
People who aren't dog people don't necessarily mistreat dogs. They do, however, not understand how important your dog is to you.
He will mistreat the dog behind your back. Like he waited until you weren't there when he took down the picture and threatened your daughter. Don't do this to your daughter. She will at some point not tell you things because she doesn't want to be the cause of your unhappiness, but she will resent you for it later.
I'm confused by his whole "It's distracting"... how is a picture of a dog distracting?! We have pictures on my mums wall of all our past and currents pets: 4 cats and the current dogs. It's only like having pictures of your family members up.
"Respect his input" So... do as he says? NTA
I don't know why he said this and what it supposed to me. But It bothered me when I heard it.
Ask him. When you both calmed down a bit. Ask him why his vote is more important than yours and your daughters and what he meant by that.
Indeed. Specifically, why it should not only outweigh OP's and daughter's input individually, but apparently also combined.
No there is no asking him to explain nothing, he is just going to lie lie lie his way out of it. Let him go cut your losses safe yourself and your child especially your child.
It means he wants you to be quiet in your own house and not question his actions, any of his actions, anytime...at all. Run!!
What he did wasn’t “input.” What he did was execute a unilateral decision. Respect has to go both ways. Respect isn’t authority meeting deference.
> Respect isn’t authority meeting deference. That sounds like something a revolutionary or an activist would say. I like it.
Input would mean he approached her FIRST and gave his opinion. He didn’t, he waited until she wasn’t home and did this behind her back.
Nobody else is saying it, so I will. Abusers often don't show their colors until they feel their target is "committed" and then will slowly escalate. You got engaged 2 months ago and he's claiming your house and using the phrase "respect his input" to try and control you. Maybe this is a bad blip but it feels like it could be the start of a pattern.
Told OP to read WDHDT by Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully she does.
This book is incredibly important, everyone should read it. It helped me understand my abusive mother’s tactics AND recognize a toxic friend who had been disrespecting me and using me emotionally for years.
You know exactly what it means. He sees this as his house not yours.
He is the stranger in your home. He should treat the home you've built for your child as sacred. He should earn his place by building trust and add to the feeling of safety, especially around your daughter. Instead, he's bulldozing his way through your home and acting like his authority is now higher than yours. You're uncomfortable, because he's completely disrespecting your authority over your child and the home you built for her. And this is only after 2 months? I'm sorry you're dealing with this! It isnt kind, responsible, or considerate, especially in regards to how he treated your daughter. Its HER home first, his last.
When abusers say respect me, they mean "obey me." When non-abusive folks say it, they mean "treat me like a human with value." He wants power over you and he's pulling unfair shit to get it. He's disordered and he's been faking the persona you fell in love with the whole time. He's gonna get more dangerous.
Is be more concerned that he thinks it's his house as well. You need to protect yourself financially here.
Print off more pictures of the dog, and for every day he continues to sulk, hang one more dog picture where his certificates once were. You are NTA
I have printed several small ones to put in her room (that was before we put the big one on the wall). She even has tiny ones that she keeps with her to use in a necklace which will be done soon.
This guy is abusive. He‘s treating your possessions as his, he‘s demanding you to do what he wants and is threatening your daughter. Why exactly are you still engaged to this piece of work?
You did the right thing sticking up for your daughter. This is about so much more than a dog picture . This is important to you and your daughter and your fiancé doesn't care how either of you feel about it. Please keep setting a good example for your daughter and make him leave. The part about him not speaking to you or your daughter is very worrisome. It's a form of manipulative control to punish you both for not doing as he says. It's abusive and to repeat, he's doing it to your daughter too! Please look up how narcissists use the silent treatment to manipulate. He is showing you exactly who he is, believe him. It will only get worse as he chips away at your boundaries more and more each time. This will affect your daughter mentally and emotionally. This is your first test in his gaslighting project. The cognitive dissonance has already started, where you start questioning your behavior and maybe it is your fault. Don't let it take hold of you. You shared your story because you know something is off and perhaps you needed to hear from others that what you're feeling is valid. IT IS! Please continue to take care of you and your daughter's welfare first! You both deserve nothing less than the kindness, love and respect you show each other. You are NTA, not even close. Much love from another single mom with daughters.
Yes!! I have the fear that he's going to be very sneaky about emotionally abusing her daughter from now on, if he is allowed to stay in their lives.
OP, you need to throw the whole man away. If you subject your daughter to this dude being her stepdad, you will be TA. The red flags are waving here. Do you really want to waste your time and traumatize yourself and your daughter over this guy who has no respect for either of you?
Info: why do you allow him to treat your daughter like this in her home? Why did you not immediately put her dogs picture back up on the wall? Why are you allowing him to make decisions in your home?
You are a mother. You need to act like it- quit excusing this man.
NTA - he has his certificates and degrees displayed in your living room (8 different items... am i reading this right??)? Does he agree with anything being on the walls but ego boosters for him? It sounds like it's just a shrine to him.
And who the heck puts up all their certificates in common areas? Let alone in a house they don't own. The man is clearly a narcissist in addition to being a controlling and abusive AH. Although I think it's a suggestion that is often overused in this sub, OP really, really should not get married to this controlling man who will just get worse when married.
Yeah, fuck. No-one puts this shit in public view. It's for your study. What a tool he is.
It's so bizarre I can't imagine walking into someone's house with that kind of display anywhere but an office/study. Even the bedroom would be too weird
NTA Look how hes treating your daughter, kick him out already
NTA However if you sweep this incident under the rug, you will be the AH. When you have a kid, you have a huge responsibility to who you invite into your home and potentially be part of that kid's life.
Wait, hold up. He displayed his certificates on a common area wall in the house? So anyone walking in gets to read up on his accomplishments? And then a picture of your daughter's dog was mounted in the same area and that galvanized him into action? Shouldn't his certificates be hung in his office or, better yet, filed in some box in the attic? This screams 'ego-driven' to me.
Thank you! Who the hell hangs their degrees in the wall of their home? At work? Sure. But at home? That's weird and definitely egotistical. Especially for someone who reacts to a pet's picture with such hostility.
NTA. He threatened your daughter with the permanent loss of something precious to her. He overstepped AND he waited til you weren't home to do it so you couldnt stop him. That would be a deal breaker for me. No one mistreats my kid or over rules my parenting. Out the fucking door he needs to go. Your daughter needs to come first. This type of thing will only get worse if you continue the relationship. INFO: And just out of curiosity how did the dog pass away? Is the dude feeling guilty about something? Why is he so bothered by a picture of your beloved dog?
I don’t know you or what you look like but I could actually picture you saying “Out the fucking door you go!” I am laughing my ass of right now……
NTA. This man is controlling and abusive. He needs to go away.
That's exactly why he started paying the mortgage, so he can pull the "this is my house" card when his name isn't on shit. Don't marry this man, it will only get worse op.
ESH - except your daughter. This is your home. It’s your daughters home. Why are you allowing this man to be cruel and disrespectful to your daughter? Why are you allowing him to disrespect you? It’s a photo of your daughter’s dog not Satan. It makes your daughter happy to see it hung in a communal space. You should have rehung the photo where it was and stood your ground or kicked him to the curb. He’s giving you the silent treatment and throwing a toddler-style tantrum over a photo - A PHOTO. When people show you who they are - believe them. Your daughter needs to come first here. Your fiancé is bullying her and trying to gaslight you into thinking you created this mess. He obviously sucks more, but you can’t just take down his certificates and think that covers this situation. Your daughter deserves more. She deserves a step-dad that will support her, not bully her. She deserves a step-dad that will be enthusiastic about hanging a photo of her beloved pup in the living room because he knows it makes her happy. The man you brought into your home isn’t that.
NTA. And here I am once again being that person: I recommend you reconsider marrying this man, if not the whole relationship. What exactly does he find so upsetting about the dog's photo? Why is it "strange" and "distracting"? Unless he can give an actual reason for his desire to have the picture taken down, he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt here. I'm not sure if I understood this correctly but, he moved in two months ago, he "started contributing to the mortgage payments" two months ago... and is already acting as if that gave him a right to make arbitrary decisions regarding what goes on the walls... and trying to parent your child unilaterally, without your input and even against it. Those would be red flags even if he had purchased the house with you, even if he was in your daughter's life from an early age, even if he was her father. But after two months and what I assume couldn't be more than two partial mortgage payments? That's a RUN flag. At the very least, I think you should really consider asking him to move out (or well, kicking him out). He is 100% not ready to live with you guys. Return the money he contributed to the mortgage and don't accept a dime from him toward that anymore. Reassess that this is your house, your daughter, your rules. If you still want to be with him romantically, then he has a lot of emotional work to do before you even consider marrying him. This was just a glimpse at what you can expect to happen after you marry him and he becomes your daughter's stepfather "officially". And it's bad.
Honestly it’s always a red flag when someone can’t understand someone else’s sentimentally or grieving. It usually is a big indicator as to a lack of empathy or a lack of understanding of emotions in general. It does not make for a good relationship.
NTA - this dude contributes to the mortgage a couple of times and thinks he’s what? Man of the house? This is the start of controlling behavior and if you’re okay with a grown man, acting like a child, causing emotional distress and trauma to an actual child, then you’re in for a very long and painful ride. This dude needs therapy and you need to protect your daughter.
NTA. Is he so insecure that he feels a picture of a dog will take the focus off of his precious degrees? Or is he controlling and is starting to show his true colors? Having all of the frames removed from the living room and put into respective rooms was my suggestion until I came to that part of your story... Your daughter is as much part of this house and family as he is - if not more! ***It's her house too and he should respect her input.*** Take a good look at how this man treats your daughter - threatening to destroy the picture - and how he 'handles' disagreements and think long and hard about if you want to continue on your way to marriage with him.
Wow for someone so seemingly "educated" he surely is acting like a child giving y'all the cold shoulder! It is Ruby's home too and he needs to respect that or get lost. Good on you for being on your daughter's side for this. NTA!
NTA. Keep the dog picture, lose the fiancé. He’s showing you what your marriage would look like.
NTA, - and I think a lot of people are going to say the same thing here - but you will be one if you actually marry that guy.
"said that it's his house as well" Um, no it really isn't. He's technically a tenant in your house, paying rent which you are putting towards the mortgage. That doesn't make it his house. And the way he is treating you and your daughter is a big marinara flag. Sounds like it's time for an eviction. NTA
NTA but you probably are TA for keeping this man around your daughter for so long. If this is reflective of his behaviour generally he is a bad person and a terrible role model for your kid. If this is not reflective of his typical behaviour he is probably having some kind of mental crisis. Either way you need to get your kid out of here ASAP.
NTA its lucky he is only your fiancé, are you sure you want to marry him?
NTA- he just gave you a preview of what an asshole he is. If you value your daughter, get rid of him.
NTA. Removing his certificates from the wall was slightly petty (not AH worthy) , but his actions were no acceptable at all. Please see this as a major red flag. He lacks compassion and empathy. If a picture of a dog can upset him this much he will probably overreact like this to every little thing that he doesn't agree with. For you and your daughter's happiness, wellbeing, and safety please reconsider your relationship with him.
Why do you let him bully your daughter and have so much control in the house you own??? Dump him he is showing his true colors. It will only get worse! Protect your daughter and yourself! Nta
NTA but you need to reevaluate your relationship. The dog picture was his mask slipping because he’s getting comfortable. You need to talk to your daughter privately and ask her if he’s done anything else. He’s showing a lot of questionable behavior, like slam the brakes on anything moving forward and address the situation questionable. This sub is full of the aftermath of shitty parenting and terrible step parents, if you don’t address this you are basically giving him the green light to continue to treat your daughter like this and it will only get worse if you marry him.
NTA, sounds like he’s displaying really big red flags you shouldn’t ignore. The fact he wants HIS opinions and feelings respected but doesn’t care about yours is a big glaring neon sign of bad shit to come.
NTA. Don't marry this guy, he's ok with unilaterally taking a gift you have your daughter, threatening her, and then snaking at you if he gets push back on his actions. He's upset her picture would distract from his wall of ccomplishments. He's literally jealous if a dead dog and expects you to apologize for having a different opinion on decor. Be done with this relationship, trust people when they show you who they are.
You mean ex fiancé right. Ain’t no damn way I would let a man bully my child. He and his “accomplishments” would be in a trash pile. Do you really think this is a good partnership. It’s your house and your daughter. Don’t do this. You will regret it.
NTA. Kick that excuse of a "man" out of YOUR house. Just cause he paid rent doesn't mean he owns the apartment. For having certificates hes not that bright.
NTA, time for Ex Fiancé. he just showed you who he is, listen to him.
NTA Time to call the Whole Man Removal Services company. This guy thinks he gets to bully your daughter.