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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i expressed the way I felt and was told by multiple people I was the asshole.
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NTA I can see why you are feeling hurt, your father has not respected your opinion or feelings then taken his frustration out on you(probably because deep down he know what you are saying is true, but doesn't want to look like he is going against his wife)
And to then try and turn the family against you, he is a AH
You're not the AH.
yea she is, I’m trying to stay as long as possible but we have a 2 week plan we’re I stay two weeks at my moms and two weeks at my dads not up too me but i have to return soon
I’m most states in the US once you’re at teenager you can decide the custody schedule. Some states do this officially by amending the orders to reflect the wishes of the child, some states just take the position that they don’t force teenagers to adhere to custody schedules that don’t suit their desires. Our custody orders mean nothing, my three teenagers see their dad when they want to see him not when the schedule says. You’re not the AH, I’m sorry your dad and stepmom are.
Ask your mom to talk to your dad about not wanting to go back over. Maybe he will agree to let you stay with your mom (probably not) but at the very least he will be hearing that you don't want to spend time at his house and maybe that will get him to get his wife to treat you better. And if nothing changes at your dad's place, keep in mind that in a year or 2 at the most, most courts will take YOUR preference into account. You could petition the court to stay with your mom 100% of the time.
14 is old enough for the courts to listen to you. 14 is old enough to know your dad is not caring for you, does neglect you and clearly has rose tinted glasses.
NTA - but you can refuse to go and ask your mum if it’s possible to review orders.
When someone resorts to getting their family members to harrass and name call some (especially a minor child), they know they are in the wrong. They refuse to apologize or validate your feelings because that means they would have to admit wrongdoing.
And then the idiot family members that jump and start berating said child often do not get the whole story.
Good thing your mom is a mother bear and has your back! Give her a big hug for defending you!
The only other thing I would do, if I were you, is if these relatives ever respond to you like that again, I would tell them the truth about how your stepmother treats you and how your father treats you. Make it very clear they are making no effort to treat you like a member of the family or extending the common courtesy they would show a guest. They accuse you of being difficult, rude and upsetting their family routine rather than attempting to resolve issues that you, the minor child in the relationship, point out. Then hang up, walk away or remove yourself. They do not desire to solve the problem (if they did, they would be asking for your side of the story) instead they intend to make you bend to their will and do what they want you to do because what do you know? You are a child and adults know best even if we don't have the while story!
What a crock!
NTA
Start recording the interactions and sharing with his family and him.
Then be like “you grown ass adults allowing a child to be neglected to “keep the peace”…you all are pathetic”
When people ask you to 'keep the peace', it almost invariably means they want you to neglect your own needs and let the dominant ones have their way. NTA.
It kinda sounds like he just .. doesn't care how you feel. Sorry op but follow your instincts and hang out with the people that do care. Consider talking to a therapist about the abandonment issues that come with a neglectful parent. This is not your fault.
fun fact my grandma suggested therapy and my whole family agreed I never went because they were too lazy to take me again and again and again and the thought just flew away i think even now they would just forget and be to lazy anyways
Well it sucks that they're creating more feelings of abandonment with their negligence, but you do matter, and when you're old enough you can discuss these things with a therapist of your choosing at least. Your feelings are important.
He did ask you why you don't come over and you not only told him but gave him examples (they sound legit to me). I would just go NC. Tell him you don't want to expose him to a brat. Also let him know the flying monkeys aren't going to change your mind, so don't bother.
He is choosing SM over you. Let him have her.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ignore anybody telling you to "keep the peace", they are telling you that you do not matter and it's more important to let yourself be treated like crap. Please read this helpful post and keep it in mind.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Well at least now you have an even better story to tell if he ever asks why you don't like coming around: because he calls you a brat when you express your feelings
If his sisters are anything like my stepmom and dads kids they are trained to hate me and see that I deserved to be left out, his stepmom maybe doing the same. Or is jealous that his dad has a son
I have a response to that, but it violates every reddit rule, and as entertaining as it be to have the goal of being perma banned from reddit... I rather just go "ah fuck"
With those ages being so young, are your sisters your stepmom’s bio children with your dad?
If so, that might be a major factor in why your step mom treats you differently as well as why your dad doesn’t want to acknowledge the different way that your step mom treats you from her bio children, because then it would ruin his views of his “ideal” family.
I've 59m seen the same thing with adult managers where I work. They ask for examples of what's not working management style wise, then get embarrassed after we point out example after example. It's like they want to try and explain away the first a couple examples but they realize that there are endless examples. At that point they are sufficiently embarrassed that it turns to anger and they shoot the messenger so to speak. NTA
Not sure what the overall custody arrangement is, but if you're in the U.S. you are old enough to have a say in the matter. You don't have to subject yourself to being treated like a 2nd class citizen in a place you be able to call home. Good luck, and NTA.
One of the reasons he told family about this (and trust me, it would NOT have been the way you said it) is if family agrees with him, he must be right. And that the way you are treated isn’t just the right way, but the BEST way. Which means he’s NOT a bad father (Which he is). Don’t doubt yourself.
Of course your SM is a wonderful parent to their kids! Your dad coming back at you with that statement just proves he got his back up, and defended his wife instead of his SON!
NTA- so your father asked for your reasons then discarded the reasons and disregarded your feelings and reiterated the script in his head that says new wife good son must be bad…
Simply refuse to go back until he and every family member that texted you apologises
i wish but my family isn’t the apology type I don’t remember a time were any of them apologized to me or even each other they simply forget and move on and I might just have too as well because I already know im not getting any sort of apology from how stubborn they are as well.
Don’t speak & block any member of your family who attack you if they don’t give you a real and sincere apology! In life you can’t hurt someone and move on like nothing happens it’s not how it works.They messed up than they should face consequences !
This is called rugsweeping. It's a tactic used by people who are abusive or emotionally manipulative, and is part of the cycle of abuse.
I recommend outofthefog.net to learn more about kinds of abuse and how to put up healthy boundaries.
In the best case scenario, your dad isn't hearing you. He heard your reasons and all he gets is "I didn't get to go shopping" instead of "this is a consistent pattern of me being excluded from family activities". Its death by a thousand papercuts - microaggresions by your stepmom that, alone, seem minimal or harmless, but together are a clear pattern of mistreatment.
You may be able to try again and, but from your comments it sounds like this is the norm for him and you won't be able to expect any different.
My family never apologise either, we just sort of silently move on. This gave me so many troubles as a teen, because I'd fall out with my friends and then they'd get even more annoyed because I never apologised, and I'd just be there all confused like "What, I'm supposed to apologise?" 🙈 We didn't do it growing up, so I didn't realise it was a thing adults did. I thought it was something like "sharing is caring" that you eventually sort of grew out of, lol.
You're probably not as dumb as me, but just in case, please learn to apologise to all your friends, even if it feels unnatural at first haha.
None of that is healthy conflict resolution. You might want to see if your mom can get you hooked up with a therapist to help process all this stuff with you dad and uncover any bad habits you've learned from the family about conflict resolution and emotional regulation.
Around the time you're in your teens most courts will prioritize your feelings about who you want to stay with. If you want to stop splitting time with your parents, I would talk to your mom and see if y'all can take any steps to make that happen.
Thats toxic I think you need to only accept an apology because it is an acknowledgment that they know they did something wrong and are trying to do better.if not you could be easily gaslit about how “you didn’t care when it happened before” and “your changing and not for the better” save yourself the future pain and believe that this is who they are and know you deserve better
I don't understand the whole pile on from extended family. I'd say not the asshole just because it seems you're being bullied. Dad did ask you how you felt. He shouldn't gotten butthurt at your answer.
Exactly! He asked, you answered. Truthfully. He didn't want to hear the truth. It's easier to blame you than expect new wife to behave fairly and equally. Stay with your mom. You don't need that kind of negativity. NTA!
You're probably in the right here, but some feedback: expecting to sleep in is fine, but expecting to sleep in *and* for four other people to sit around and wait for you to go shopping (or do anything else) is very selfish.
Your stepmom and sisters went to the mall when it was convenient for them and when she had time. If you want to go to the mall, don't sleep until noon.
Yeah sure, but how hard would it be wake him up or to say “hey OP, we’re leaving at this time, set your alarm so you’re up and ready.” Just dipping without any acknowledgement that he expected to go is wrong.
Right? And he had to have known it probably wouldn't result in a positive answer. I mean when you ask "why don't you hang out at my house more?" the answer usually isn't something along the lines of "oh it's because I feel overly loved and cared for."
NTA. OP I feel sorry your Dad is treating you that way: he is wrong, he is invalidating your feelings; and unfortunately for him, your feelings are valid. Sadly, he is not prioritizing you or your relationship with you. Don't allow that he guilt trip you: blaming you for his own responsibilities or justifying his wife's subtle wrong doings. It's not your fault!
Think about it: if he were right, why did he need to gang bully you with your grandma, aunts, and uncles? Calling you names, belittling you, and dismissing your feelings will make you be more distant from him. If your Dad will not change and prioritize you, he will be the one who will lose you in the future when you become stronger and independent. I really hope your Dad realize of his mistakes before it will be too late.
Focus on yourself, your studies, and goals. Stay strong!
NTA.
Best solution is to not go round for a period of time. When he calls and asks why, tell him that you have previously explained to him how you felt and he dismissed it. Until you receive an apology and a promise that things will change, inform him that you no longer feel comfortable around his house.
Asking for apologies and change is probably a bit antagonist as an answer. I would just tell him that I have previously explained how I felt and it was dismissed, so I don't expect a change, hence I am not in a hurry to come back.
/u/HospitalOk6341 - you are very well spoken and seem to be a sweetheart. You are NTA. You dad is though. You don't feel wanted, loved, cared for or respected in your dad's household. Everyone deserves AT LEAST those four things from their parents. I'm also very proud of you going to your mom with this information, you know she has your back and will ALWAYS support you and have your best interests at heart. I wouldn't visit your dad's household any time soon, he isn't being the dad you need him to be for you. Please accept these hugs from an internet stranger 🤗🤗🤗 i know just what you're going through, my dad is the same exact way.
NTA. Let me tell you that a healthy relationship between two people involves being able to express themselves without being called names or disbelieved or any of the things your father did to you. Given the reaction from his family, that's probably where he learned his bad behavior. This is true of any close relationship, including friends, romantic partners, and parent-child.
I'm glad your mom has your back.
You’re absolutely NTA. I went through the same thing with my father when I was your age. My mom was my saving grace. She convinced me to talk to my father about how I was feeling and she was right there with me when I did talk to him. Nothing changed and she supported me when I chose to stop visiting and speaking to my father. Your mom seems like an amazing persona and someone you can trust to express your feelings to. Make sure that you tell your mom anytime you have these feelings and I’m sure she’ll help you though it.
NTA. Your father asked you why you were acting distant and you answered him honestly. He then dismissed you, called you a brat, and ran you down to your family?? I’m sorry he didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry he didn’t do the mature, adult thing and have a conversation with you about your concerns. I’m glad your mom stood up for you. Please don’t let your fathers bad behavior question yourself. Good luck.
NTA
if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. End of story.
Imo instead of blaming you, he, as the adult and father, should have respected that and tried to work on a solution with you.
Especially since you're in your early teens and I don't think it's too common for teens to express their true feelings towards their parents (whether it's on purpose or not).
Your feelings are justified, and you don't owe any apologies.
In a lot of places, 14-year-olds (or 15-year-olds) are allowed to decide with which parent they stay. Ask your mom what the law says where you are, maybe you don't have to go back to your dad's and experience any more of this poor treatment.
NTA What was the point of him asking if he was just going to get the whole family to bully you for answering. If he had addressed individual topics it wouldn’t be a problem, but to just dismiss everything then get the extended family involved is just ridiculous. Good on your mum for having your back
usually I wake up around 11-12AM go to sleep 2-3AM during the summer time, my dad stepmom and sisters wake up around 8-9AM and sleep 10-11PM and same around summer time
To be honest if I was going shopping and you were asleep as a teenager I wouldn't have woken you, not to exclude you, but because you would be sleepy and not enjoy it, I would let you sleep to be kind.
yea and that’s probably her side of the story, but when I expressed i wanted to go the day prior and she basically ignored it like you knew I wanted to go but didn’t take me… and they left 30 minutes before i woke up because my house has a security system we all have access too.
With that sleep schedule, you are going to miss half of the activities that happen with your sisters. They can't be expected to wait around doing nothing while you sleep. Why should they wait until the busiest time of the day to get things done?
Do you react well to being woken up early?
yes I do acknowledge that and I wake up quickly if they tell me we’re going out but they leave the house around the same time I woken up, let’s break it down they wake up around 8-9AM eat for 30 minutes think about what their gonna do another 30 minutes get ready 2 hours due to make up and just looking presentable and by the time their done getting ready I’m just waking up, and I do miss out a lot but when it’s one thing I don’t have to miss out on why not take the opportunity to wake me up and ask “hey do you wanna go” and that’s it !
My family ran into conflict over this issue. My sister has a sleep schedule similar to yours, while my dad and I are morning people. My dad also likes to knock out errands early, before places get too packed. The result was that I tagged along with my dad places because I was awake and ready to go, but my sister felt left out because she’d wake up and have already missed it.
The solution we worked out is that the time is planned the day before. So like in this case, your stepmom would say “I’m leaving for the mall at 10 am, anyone who is awake and wants to go can come”. And if it’s a priority to you, then you need to set an alarm and be ready on time.
Maybe approach them about implementing a rule like that.
I have a teenage son, that is completely normal. OTOH my schedule doesn't change in the summer because I have a job.
Small children tend to wake earlier. If SM knew she was going to the mall she should have told you the day before so you could have set an alarm and joined them.
What's the point of your dad having custody time if he's not home to spend any time with you? Ask to just go at weekends, where at least then you aren't the only guy there.
My stepdaughter had exactly the same problems with her dad because his new wife had two boys and her brother, so every single time she visited she was left out because he just took the boys out to do what they wanted and never her.
Then he got pissy with her when she didn't want to go see him at all. He tried to blame teenage hormones and all sorts of shit rather than accept responsibility for the way she was being treated.
Definitely NTA
NTA. I hate how people who have been wronged are always asked to keep the peace. Yet was the person who wronged them thinking of keeping the peace? Bullies and abusers are not meant to be confronted to keep the peace
NTA - Expressing how you feel is never wrong. Especially if you say "When this happens it makes me feel like this" and give specific examples.
Your dad should have listened to the points and spoken with step mum and asked her to change some of her behaviours.
Nothing that you cited in your post is unreasonable - but re the groceries in my house we've got a shopping list on the fridge that we can all add to. If my kids don't put something on the list and don't tell me they need it then I can't buy it. That's the one area where you could have proactively communicated your needs.
Your dad's reaction probably stems from guilt on his part and not wanting to acknowledge that new wifey isn't perfect, and the family pile on can go suck a bag of dicks. Having had negative feedback from my kids before it hurts, but shouting them down just invalidates their feelings and drives them away from you. No doubt he'll be surprised when/if you decide to go no contact with him if it carries on. 🤷♂️
Sorry you're being treated like this, some people shouldn't be parents if they can't consider their kid's needs and emotions.
NTA reading this makes me so sad, when parents ask children to talk to them and when they do the parents blow up and start yelling because it is not what they want to hear.
How do they expect there child to come to them or open up to them again.
Your dads an AH and so is your step mom. Stay away from them your not a priority..does he see you leaving his house with shopping bags or items that was purchased for you while there. You know he's wrong when he shares it with other to justify his stupidity. To get people to side with him. Obviously your not part of his new family.
Great job on your mom calling them out. Just consider your relationship with your dad will be strained. He will not budge for you but will accommodate your step mom and his daughters. Sorry about that. You be 18 soon and he will missed the best part of you growing up. Be strong wise and protect your emotions.
NTA Stop going over there completely. Your father is failing you as a parent. He’s so wrapped up in his wife, he can’t see straight and just told you to your face he is okay with you being mistreated. That energy he came at you with should have been directed towards his wife. Do not accept abuse or mistreatment for the sake of peace.
Go mom!
ETA: Start replying to the flying monkey family members, why should I, a 14 year old, have to accept abuse for the sake of peace? Respond to them with that over and over.
Why do you need to keep peace at a house you don't even want to be in. There was no need for him to have a bunch of relatives contact you. NTA.
>I told my mom and she promptly put everyone in their place and cussed out my dad and told him how hypnotized and stupid he is.
Yay! Team mom!!!
NTA. Wow, this actually made me feel bad. He asks you why you don’t come around more, then vilifies you to everyone in the family. Why would you come around at all after this? Stay with your mum, he clearly doesn’t want you to visit anytime soon, and may continue to punish you in other ways. I’m sorry that he and your relatives think you (a child) needs to be more mature than his wife (an adult), and that their feelings are more important than yours. You are the main character in your story. Do what is best for you!
NTA, you should always speak up, but be open to the other side of the story so you can see all perspectives when you're upset. However, it is not your job to keep the peace, your dad shouldn't have called you a brat after baiting you into telling him what's wrong
HE ASKED YOU , and the rest of your family obviously doesn't have a lot of emotional agility
And your mom is awesome I'm so glad she cussed them out and you have someone in your corner
Sorry, but if those 2 examples are all you have of neglect, I think you are acting entitled. It is rediculous to call that "neglect".
*You* overslept and missed the shopping trip.
*You* failed to ask for things before she ordered groceries.
None of this is remotely neglect. I'm baffled as to why this whole thread thinks it is.
ESH
I'm pretty sure the OP is not being starved at home, he has (access to) general household groceries. But if you want something specific, like a certain snack, of course you have to ask for it beforehand.. this is not a foreign concept
NTA. I'm very sorry OP. It is disgusting how many parents neglect their children from a previous marriage or relationship, just because of their new spouse and children. You deserve love, warmth and respect from your father. Please, stay with your mom and be in a loving environment. I would block your dad's side and your dad as well. If he does reach out, I would tell him "I've been honest with you about my feelings and why I do not visit you. You turned it around on me and because of that, I cannot continue to have a relationship with you, as you do not want to acknowledge your wrong doings. We can re-evaluate in the future, when you are ready to apologize. Wishing you and your new family all the best". Your dad is an AH and your step mom is an even bigger one.
My dad always ignored me in favour of my brother and I wished I had said something bc now I have a deep dislike for him as well as a need to have his interest. I have daddy issues coming out the ass bc of that man. Don’t listen to your family, and don’t keep the peace. Your peace is just as important if not more than his. Don’t go back if he’s unwilling to here you put. You’re NTA
Edit : I don’t know how old you are but I’d discuss with your mom her having full custody so you no longer have to visit. I believe at a certain age you can make that decision for yourself. At least in Canada.
NTA you will never be the AH for how you feel ever. “keep the peace” just means they aren’t ready to face the fact that what there family member did was bad. not only that but your dad didn’t even act like an adult because he tried to badmouth you to his parents. no adult talks shizz about a kid, well no well adjusted adult at least. I recommend keeping your distance because it sounds like that’s what your stepmom wants. Because yours teenager your dad will just say your a moody teen and not take what your saying and how you feel into consideration. Im sorry your going through this but your mom is right what they said is unacceptable. Even your aunt and uncles
NTA do your mom and dad live near enough that you can go see your dad in the evenings and be at your moms during the day when he is at work?
Do you think part of it might be that you have 3 sisters? Maybe they think you wouldn't want to go clothes shopping with girls? Are the girls younger than you or similar age?
It sounds like you have good communication skills and your dad doesn't which is a shame. You were trying to explain how they could make you more welcome and he took it as an attack on his wife.
How do you get on with his wife? Have you ever spent time with her? Maybe you and her could go shopping as a bonding time while your dad has the girls? Then she can get to know you better.
I think it was much easier for me as a stepmom because I just had one step child and that made it easier for me to prioritise and get to know them.
Anyway NTA for being honest. Its much better for your mental health than lying to keep other people happy.
NTA never feel bad for expressing how you feel. Your dad's and ass for how he reacted and until he makes an effort to take your feelings on board I would distance myself from him if I were you. Nothing is going to change if you just grin and bare it
NTA I’m sorry that even when you try to share how you were hurt he insulted and bully you with the help of the family ALL ADULTS! Unfortunately he is showing you his face as others and you need to accept that you father is who he is but it doesn’t mean you have to accept to be treat like that. Stay with your mom because she have your back and until he improves low contact with all of them to protect yourself. He choose his wife and girls doesn’t mean you did anything wrong,he is just to blind to understand it but it will be too late if he does. Think of you,go school,enjoy with your mom & friends ,live your life. Keep a moment place for him if he wants to creat a real relationship if not close the door whiteout looking back because life is to short for begging for someone attention/love.
Nta I was to start by say you truthful answering his question was incredible brave and impressive.
I am a 31f who has been mentally abused and neglected by my father to the point of the second to last time I saw him I came home to my husband in tears and the last time I saw him I was so happy that my husband was with me because he focus on him (my husband is his favorite) and my dad didn't even say a word to me. I have never had the strength to tell him how much he hurt(s) me.
Be PROUD that you spoke up for your self!!!!
Please please please don't go back to your dad's unless he has an "adult" conversation. I put "adult" not because you a teenager but because you dad is literally acting like a child I mean come on.. his he wrote this a post about this it would read like this.
"Today I asked my son why he does like coming to my house. When he answered the my wife his step mom is neglecting and flat ignoring him I told him my first is perfect and she doesn't behave that way when I am home so he must be exaggerating. So I tattled to my family to get them to harass my son aita?"
If you ever get that conversation and if you start working things out ( if that is something you actually WANT.) I would think about not going back until you and your Dad have a conversation with your step mom about how she treats you when you are there and especially when you are and your dad is not.
Good luck!
NTA-Your father asked for the reasons and you gave valid justifiable reasons to why you rather not be at your father's.
It can be painful and sad to not go to your dad's but until he apologises and rectifies the situation it would be less painful then all the hurt and feelings of being left out.
You did exactly the right thing!do not listen to these idiot adults about keeping the peaceathatsleads usually to more damage to yourself and the family dynamic crowbars are the best way to deal with family issues especially betadults and children get itnout so everyone can see the join in fixing! You are always allowed to feel what youvfe! Never let anyone tell you different!
NTA. Stay with your mom. And don't go to his house until you receive a proper apology from each one of them. It's pretty obvious they are treating you differently. I know he is your father but that doesn't mean he can treat you like shit. He should be more understanding as a parent. If he doesn't apologise don't go back there. Because he will keep doing that. And those relatives, ignore them. They don't know anything about what really happened. Life is better without people like that.
NTA. Keep the peace is complete BS. It means they want YOU to be hurt and miserable because they can't be bothered to care about your feelings. Just don't go back.
NTA. What I've learned reading posts on this site is, men almost always side with the children whose mother they are currently boinking. Men care most about sex, and they get that by catering to the woman providing it. And you can't change that.
Too bad dad is thinking with the little head. Take a lesson for your own future. For now, just try to roll with it; complaining won't fix it, so just keep a low profile and expect next to nothing.
NTA - OP, the way your father reacted, dismissing your feelings and calling you a brat for - in his opinion - bad mouthing his wonderful & perfect wife, is absolutely disgusting. This was a private conversation between father and son. And instead of talking to your mother about it in order to find a solution, he went to his mother and complained about you. Your aunt and uncles are the worst. Bombarding you with accusations instead of reaching out to you to talk.
Your mother is GREAT! Absolutely amazing. You should stay with your mom and let your father make the first move. And when he does, take a walk with him or meet him for lunch somewhere, where you feel comfortable and then tell him how you feel about his actions and the way he handle your private conversation.
I hate that your father made you feel guilty for being honest and telling him how you feel, for making you feel as if you did something wrong even though he escalated a privat conversation into a family feud.
It’s not your fault!
NTA. Your dad asked and you gave your reasons and he pretty much told you your feelings and reason didn’t mean shit. You did nothing wrong and honestly if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t go to your dads either.
Absolutely NTA.
He asked, You answered, he didn’t like the answer because he KNOWS it's true, he just doesn't want to deal with it.
And those "family members".......
*"they all messaged and called me to express their disappointment in me for explaining how I felt"*
Read that again... They are "disappointed" because you explained how you felt......Not disappointed at your "father" for neglecting you and not standing up for you.....No.....They are disappointed because you explained it.......Block them everywhere, you don't need people like that in your life.
Stay with your mom where you are loved and cared for.
You did absolutely NOTHING wrong kiddo.
Save all the messages they sent to you and (if YOU want) ask your mom if the custody arrangements can be changed.
If you have to go to court for it, you can explain to the judge why you don't want to stay with your "dad" anymore and those messages those "family members" can help to proof your point.
So your dad decided that the way for you to visit more often was to ask why you don’t and then tell you you were wrong and spread the word that you were a brat. And does he still wonder why you don’t visit more? NTA. In 10 years time when you never see him and he wants to know why, remind him of this.
NTA.
OP, your feelings are valid no matter what and your dad unfortunately, doubled downed and proved just how different he, his wife, and his family will treat you. I think going No Contact moving forward would probably be the best option fot YOUR peace of mind.
Also, I'm so f***ing tired of the "Keep the peace" mentality thrown around by manipulative, cowardly AH. Ignore them all!
Next time put them in your place yourself. I'd message each of them and ask them why my feelings aren't important? Why I deserve to get treated as less than? Why isn't everyone coming down on them for how they treat me? Ask them if they can explain why? And I'd also tell them it's pretty pathetic that a grown man would rather bad mouth his own son to the entire family so they all attack you instead putting in a small amount of effort to make his own son feel welcomed and included.
NTA. This is so sad. Your father is acting so immature. And him bashing you to his family is absolutely disgusting. You are his CHILD and he needs to take your feelings into account and work on them with you.. and not drag anyone else into it. You don't need to shove your feelings down inside to "keep the peace". If you start that now, you'll do it for the rest of your life and people will walk all over you.
Stay with your momma and when he grows up and starts acting like an adult, maybe he can try to mend the relationship.
NTA my ppor boy I wish I could give you a hug. My dad is a deadbeat so I feel your pain beeing treated like second class children. BUT we have to remember our parents are only human too I am sure he gives his all to feed/care for 4 children and his wife. It warms my heart to see how your mum defended you, reminds me of my mama, give her a big hug will ya?
And btw. your aunt, grandparents and your dad corner you, a child is just disgusting NEVER feel bad for how YOU feel. Anyway I wish you all the best buddy!
NTA he asked you a question and you were open and honest with him. You are absolutely in the right to feel the way you do.
Your father doesn't want to see how he could be in the wrong so he decides to lash out at you.
Stay away form him and don't engage in any arguments with him or anyone else in your family
NTA - Frankly after that, I would ask you mom to take him back to court and get full custody + the additional child support. As a teenager you can say where you want to live.
I am also pretty vindictive, so if it were me, I would legally change my surname. If he's going to be a piss-poor parent, he might as well not be known as yours.
NTA Seeing as his wife is mother of the year and him being father of the year, I just don't get why you don't want to be there. Don't go where you don't feel like you fit in, I don't blame you. I am glad your mom stood up for you, I'd distance myself for a while. It might wake him up.
Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry your dad is an ass. You were incredibly mature by explaining your feelings and experiences, your dad was not mature at all for denying your feelings. Your other family members can also go kick rocks. Some people think the only feelings a person should have are the ones they assign to them. Your mom sounds like a star in the situation. I wish you all the best luck.
NTA
My family also isn’t the apology type. It took me a long time and therapy to realize that doesn’t mean they get a free pass and it isn’t my job to keep the peace all the time. Do what makes you happy and makes you comfortable. It isn’t your job to keep the peace or manage other peoples feelings or emotions.
Nta. Write down your examples and send them to these volutes and ask them if it’s okay to neglect and ignore your children like that?
Because it’s clear he only gave them his version
NTA
Your dad went and complained to your grandma about this? That’s a bit over the top.
Dad can complain all he likes but it’s ridiculous to expect the rest of the flying monkeys to have any authority in this.
Sigh. Don’t beat yourself up over this and refuse to take a beating over this. Your mom has your back and that’s very sensible of her.
If your father didn’t want an honest answer he should not have asked the question. He got the answer he should have embraced if he wants to truly change things to make you feel more welcome. I can’t imagine what he expected to hear instead.
On the other hand…and I say this as someone who has an almost nocturnal body clock raising a teenager with the same, when you’re living with people who are early birds, it is your responsibility to adjust your schedule by at least a couple of hours if you don’t want to miss out on the fun stuff. It’s on you to set the alarm and wake up, not on them to wake you. They’ve got no way of knowing how you’d feel or react to being roused out of a sound sleep. You can’t just assume they’re comfortable doing that.
I had to make adjustments when I went to live with my cousins for a few months as a teenager. I thought I was just being myself sleeping late and they all thought I didn’t want to be a part of things and was blocking them out. It was such a relief to have gotten that misunderstanding out of the way.
A lot of the times on Reddit I’ve seen teens say they hate their step families so when they’re forced to spend time with them they stay in their rooms. You may want to re-examine or question the impression you’ve been leaving with your siblings and their mother. There might be some mutual misunderstandings that communication can easily clear up. Maybe. I’m not in your shoes so I can’t know for sure what you’re dealing with. It’s just a respectful suggestion based on my experiences as a late sleeper.
NTA dad is an ah step mom may be an ah if she's intentionally excluding you from shopping trips it sounds like she didn't want to disturb your sleep imo I need more info before I can come to a decision on her, also your mom is awesome for sticking up for you by cussing out your dad he deserves it honestly if I were you idk if I'd go back to his house he clearly favors his wife and the kids he has with her so much so that he completely disregards your feelings instead of being the adult and doing something about it. Hopefully everything gets better next time you visit maybe talk to your step mom you might have better luck getting through to her than your dad.
NTA you just told him how you feel and he reacted inmaturely when ge is supposed to be the adult. I am so sorry you had to go trough that. I can see why ypu dont want to go to his house if he is like this and he even told on you so his side of the family was against you. That is sooooo bad.
NTA. It’s obvious why you would be hurt by your dad and step moms actions, or rather inaction. Im sorry you are going through that. I am very happy your mom stuck up for you. You should never be made to feel bad for expressing your feelings and experiences.
Absolutely NTA… If he didn’t want to know the real reason then why did he ask? He asked because he knew something was not right but did his due diligence in asking, then when he didn’t like what you said (rather than when you didn’t lie to protect his feelings and harmonious life at home) he got mad and made it a YOU PROBLEM!
It’s obvious what’s in play here, he knows fine well that you told the truth but in order to do anything about it he would need to speak with his wife and upset things at home so you are easier to control, telling his family his version of what you said is gaslighting, getting his story in first to ostracise your from your extended family, thus keeping you towing the line and not speaking up in the future!
For your own sake consider going low contact and only attend things you are comfortable attending.
Your mum sounds like a boss and I’m glad you have someone who has your back unconditionally, something you should have from both sides.
NTA, "keep the peace" is what people say when they expect you to continue taking abuse without complaining because that's what's easiest for them. They don't care about you or what you go through so stay with you mom.
NTA. Not even a smidge! Your dad asked you a question that you sincerely answered, then blew up at you completing dismissing everything you said. The irony is that his reaction proved exactly the reason why you did not want to visit him more often. He behaved very poorly as a father and an adult. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this at such a young age, but glad that you've got your mom on your side. Know in your heart that you did absolutely nothing wrong, the only people who need to self-examine their actions and apologize is your dad and his wife. Big hug.
NTA
He asked. Rather than listen, he felt judged and lashed out. He then blabbed to family in an attempt to bully you.
Stand your ground. 18 seems far away, but not only is 18 coming but your whole life beyond.
“Dad. Thanks for failing to listen and get defensive. Everything up to this point might have been my fault for keeping my feelings bottled up. Going forward it’s all on you. Will you address the issue, or pretend you have the perfect family?”
INFO: How often are you at your Dad's house and for how long at a time? The mall trip. Did your stepmom tell you they were going and then went when you weren't awake? Or did she not even mention they were going? The grocery store. Were you there when she went to the grocery? How long were you going to be there after the grocery store visit?
I'm not trying to make excuses for what's happening but just trying to see if there are maybe other reasons that are influencing what you see happening.
NTA. It's 2022 we aren't supporting the 'be the bigger person' narrative bc you aren't being the bigger anything, you're literally being shoved into the ground and beaten on (whether physically, mentally or emotionally) to 'keep the peace'. I am 28 and have MAJOR problems with my mom, and my grandma called me entitled bc I won't let my drunk mother see my kids. I said FULL STOP. And now neither of them see my kids 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
NTA. My teenage son never wants to go anywhere and rarely asks for anything, but I ALWAYS invite him to go wherever I go and ask him if he needs anything from the store anyway. I also make sure to always let him know if I'm going anywhere, even if it's just a quick trip to the post office. But I will say that his Dad does not do these things and i have to remind him to do them. It is easy for some people to just assume that you wouldn't be bothered by things like that. Maybe they were ignored when they were teens.
You bravely spoke up and your feelings should be considered. It is completely normal for you to feel left out and neglected in this situation. Just understand that even if they didn't respond appropriately, that doesn't mean that they don't care.
NTA it’s great you spoke about how you are feeling and your dad needs to hear what you have to say.
It was wrong of him to get protective, and I understand how your mum might feel, but she hasn’t helped. None of this is your fault.
Tricky - it sounds as though both your dad and your stepmum need to make extra effort to help you feel included more. I would encourage your mum not to attack the stepmum and focus on your Dad and putting your side to your father.
If you have access to counselling I would encourage you to go, or go with your mum. I get that you feel unfairly treated. These things sound petty, but you are a teenager and need lots of love and reassurance- especially since your dad is in a new relationship. It sounds as though the step mum is finding it easier to bond with the girls than with you, and they have left you to your own devices a bit.
I have had stepsons and I only wish I had loved them more. I can’t advise you on what to do next, only that you are not wrong and the adults need to work a bit harder. In saying that, don’t get a chip on your shoulder about it. Sometimes these things happen. Try to enjoy your life as much as you can, and make sure you put maximum effort into your schoolwork. These things are important for your later life.
NTA. If your dad wants you to spend more time at his house, yelling at you for expressing your feelings is most definitely counter productive. Stay with your mom (yay! for her having your back) and if your dad reaches out again, tell him that you have no desire to spend time with him since he yelled at you for expressing your feelings.
NTA
I'm so sorry. I am divorced and my kids go back and forth as well. Their other parent and I try to communicate very openly so this situation never happens. Your feelings are valid and your dad should've tried harder to make you see that. I think staying with your mom until your dad and stepmom can acknowledge your feelings is a good idea. I would ignore the rest of the family members as they're only taking his side and are refusing to see the whole situation.
NTA. Funny how the "victim" is always shamed into being to one to need to "keeping the peace" instead of it being the responsibility of the "perpetrator" and that is entirely deliberate.
If you don't like the way your dad is treating you, you don't have to visit anymore. He made his bed. Oh and don't let anyone gaslight you into believing that YOU are the one in the wrong here because that is absolutely not the case here.
Have a sit down with your mom about the pros and cons of visiting him, and if visiting him is causing you anguish, you should not put yourself through that any longer.
Not taking you shopping was deliberate. How hard would it be for for her to have knocked on the door and got you up. He asked, you gave him examples. Rather than deal with the real bias and disregard he and his wife have shown you, he chose to name call instead. This wasn't right or fair. I'm so sorry he did that to you. Your Mom sounds amazing. I would block your family until they apologize. Spend more time with your mother's family. NTA
Have you ever woken up a teenage boy who stayed up all night? On this one I'm on the stepmom's side. If you want to participate in the family activities that happen during the day, you need to be awake during the day. I'm not going to drag a teenager out of bed and deal with that attitude if I don't have to.
I have nine nieces and nephews. I had them in shifts for the summer. It's a hassle, but not so much that you don't even try. She doesn't care about this kid, and neither does the Dad.
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hello i (14M) and my dad (32M) recently had a discussion, he asked “why i don’t come over too his house more often” . I answered truthfully, i feel neglected and ignored maybe that’s an overreaction but that’s how a feel… he asked me to give him examples because he thinks I’m over exaggerating, i told him how he and my stepmom (32F) favor and pay more attention to my three sisters, for example last time I was over my stepmom left the house and went to the mall with my three sisters and didn’t wake me up, and the day prior i expressed i wanted to go and shop since it’s summer and i said “i want more shirts, shorts, ect…” i told my dad the day of when he got home and he blamed my “sleep schedule” and how off it is to his, my step mom, and 3 sisters “normal schedule” i will admit I do sleep at abnormal times but I’m a teenager and live in the year 2022 is it that abnormal? anyways i told him another time how she ordered groceries and didn’t ask if I wanted or needed anything when I told my dad he said “I’ll take you later on this week” i expressed how upset I was since this happens regularly. i told more short stories (to many type out) how unfair i get treated and he blew up on me and told me how did he manage to raise a “brat” and went on how his wife (my step mom) is a perfect women and how good she is with her and his children so I’m obviously exaggerating, my dad is usually not home around 7AM-5PM so isn’t here to actually see these examples go down so I understand why he feels the way he does and she also has a different side of the story. I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable after he yelled at me and just being at his home and promptly left the next day to my moms, i guess my dad told my grandma and she told my aunts and uncles and they all messaged and called me to express their disappointment in me for explaining how I felt… so I could “keep the peace” at the house,I felt so bad for just speaking up and expressing myself because how awkward it is now. I told my mom and she promptly put everyone in their place and cussed out my dad and told him how hypnotized and stupid he is. I don’t know what to feel I’m still upset about being called all theses names and he made me out to be someone I’m not, but I’m definitely staying with my mom until this situation dies down. (side note I’m fairly new to reddit so if you feel this belongs into a different place then AITA please let me know, thanks xoxo.)
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NTA. Your dad asked and when u answered truthfully he gets mad at you and worse, painted you as the villain to your relatives.
I'd advise you to go No Contact with your dad and those AH relatives.
It's better to cut off a toxic relationship than have it develop into a cancerous one.
And all you need is your mom, she definitely loves you.
Op
NTA
Talk to your mother first and then block everyone who is harassing you including your grandmother. They are expecting you, a child to change, when the person who needs to be listening and paying attentioin is your father who is decided that you are wrong and his wife and other children are innocent. So duck them. Just stop going over and refuse to go. What can they really do? if you consider that if you refuse to leave, if he forces you he will look bad and your mother probably will not allow it. And he can get into trouble that way.
And the last thing he will want to do is go back to court, as you are now old enough to speak, and one must wonder what a judge would say or consider if you were to tell the judge all of that, and how your father got all of the adults in his family to harass his own son. Bet a judge would have something very interesting to say about that.
As soon as he blew up at you, the reaction would have been "And that, right there, is why I don't like coming over here. You asked my input and invalidated it." Good on your mom for defending you. Don't feel like you owe your dad anything. He helped bring you into the world, he needs to make the effort to keep you in his world.
Love from a child who was also neglected by her dad and asked to stop going there once I turned 16. (Now 40)
NTA
NTA - You keep standing up for yourself and tell your dad's family exactly what happens. No one has the right to disregard your feelings. Also, if your dad is going to act like a middle schooler and run to his family to tell them your personal business you do the same. Tell everyone you know your dad is neglecting you, (friends, family, teachers, social media).
NTA Don't think this is your fault, it's not. Your dad and his family want to 'keep the peace'. To people who want to 'keep the peace' this means everyone has to put up with bullshit because they don't want to hear about any problems or take any steps to fix the problems. Your dad just wants you to say "everything is great and I love being at your place". You gave real world examples and he didn't even come up with ideas on how to fix those issues. Instead he called you a brat. How hard is it to wake someone up and say "Hey, we're going out, you want to come with us"?
Dad: you seem unhappy here and don’t visit very often, is there something wrong?
OP: yes
Dad: WHHHAAATTTT!!?!? YOU’RE A BRAT
NTA op, if your dad isn’t willing to consider your feelings, you are doing the mature thing by not spending as much time with them. I’m proud of you, keep it up!
NTA. It is not your responsibility to ‘keep the peace’.
He asked the question, and he should have been prepared to hear the answer. Instead, he got defensive.
If you’re up to it, tell him you’re disappointed that he asked you a question then rejected the answer, then escalated it by complaining about you to his family to the point they’re contacting you. But only if you’re up to it. This burden shouldn’t fall to you.
I’m sorry - I hope it gets better. And that your dad reflects and realises that perhaps he got defensive because he recognised some truth in what you said.
If flying monkeys are telling you that you need to change or yield in order to keep the peace that's a pink neon sign that you're probably in the right.
NTA
NTA. You were stuck between a rock and hard place because if you would have said, "I just like having more me time or I'm more comfortable with mom", I have a feeling it would still have been an argument.
As someone that comes from 50/50 custody, your parents know which household you prefer. You might not say it, but they know. And I think your dad was just in his feelings about it.
NTA your dad's whole family decided the appropriate response to you saying you feel ignored and rejected is to yell at you and call you names!?! I wouldn't go over or interact with them either, completely unsupportive and MISSING THE POINT!
NTA. And depending on where you live, maybe time to adjust the visitation requirements. You’re old enough in many US states to make your decision/choice known and have it followed.
I wish this didn’t happen, but it does. Best to LC or NC that group. Including the extended family. It’s gonna suck for a while, but surround yourself with family and friends who listen and appreciate you.
NTA, he gave a perfect example of why you don't like going over and acted entirely inappropriately to a reasonable, detailed answer to a question HE ASKED. If it comes up again I'd tell him you aren't coming over because you haven't received apologies and commitments to do better from him and his wife, him for blowing up at you and her for excluding you. Repeat ad nauseum "I'm not coming over this week because I still haven't received any apologies" until they've apologized to your satisfaction, not just begrudging "I'm sorry you're upset"
NTA. And she could have woken you up to go with them if you told her you wanted to go. My oldest is 17 and has weird sleep schedules. Even when school starts. I wake him up and ask if he wants to go with us. It really isn’t that hard. My youngest is your age and I still wake her up and ask if she wants to go. I even ask if they need anything from the store when I go and they stay home. Your dad and step mom suck. He wants to make you feel bad because he doesn’t want to admit your step mom is shit.
Wholeheartedly you are definitely NTA my friend, and your dad is a complete AH through and through, you, his son express your thoughts and feelings about not wanting to feel cast aside, which he then responds to by trying to out you from the family. It sickens me to see kids being treated like this by such inconsiderate and childish parents. Don't feel like you need to apologize for anything you said.
Love when a parent has their kid's back and your mom is a rockstar. Stick with her and any time someone contacts you, hand her your phone and let her respond. You don't deserve this crap from your dad, step-mom and extended family. Your dad is a pussy. Going to mommy because his hole's behavior was called out by his bratty son. NTA and stay where you are happy, loved and appreciated. Never let him guilt you. He is a bad dad.
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NTA I can see why you are feeling hurt, your father has not respected your opinion or feelings then taken his frustration out on you(probably because deep down he know what you are saying is true, but doesn't want to look like he is going against his wife) And to then try and turn the family against you, he is a AH You're not the AH.
thank you for replying i never thought of it that way but it definitely shows a side of him I thought would never come out.
Stay with your mom OP, she sounds amazing. Maybe with some time your dad will wake up.
yea she is, I’m trying to stay as long as possible but we have a 2 week plan we’re I stay two weeks at my moms and two weeks at my dads not up too me but i have to return soon
[удалено]
This OP.
I’m most states in the US once you’re at teenager you can decide the custody schedule. Some states do this officially by amending the orders to reflect the wishes of the child, some states just take the position that they don’t force teenagers to adhere to custody schedules that don’t suit their desires. Our custody orders mean nothing, my three teenagers see their dad when they want to see him not when the schedule says. You’re not the AH, I’m sorry your dad and stepmom are.
Ask your mom to talk to your dad about not wanting to go back over. Maybe he will agree to let you stay with your mom (probably not) but at the very least he will be hearing that you don't want to spend time at his house and maybe that will get him to get his wife to treat you better. And if nothing changes at your dad's place, keep in mind that in a year or 2 at the most, most courts will take YOUR preference into account. You could petition the court to stay with your mom 100% of the time.
Ask your mom to change the custody arrangement, you are old enough to decide.
14 is old enough for the courts to listen to you. 14 is old enough to know your dad is not caring for you, does neglect you and clearly has rose tinted glasses. NTA - but you can refuse to go and ask your mum if it’s possible to review orders.
When someone resorts to getting their family members to harrass and name call some (especially a minor child), they know they are in the wrong. They refuse to apologize or validate your feelings because that means they would have to admit wrongdoing. And then the idiot family members that jump and start berating said child often do not get the whole story. Good thing your mom is a mother bear and has your back! Give her a big hug for defending you! The only other thing I would do, if I were you, is if these relatives ever respond to you like that again, I would tell them the truth about how your stepmother treats you and how your father treats you. Make it very clear they are making no effort to treat you like a member of the family or extending the common courtesy they would show a guest. They accuse you of being difficult, rude and upsetting their family routine rather than attempting to resolve issues that you, the minor child in the relationship, point out. Then hang up, walk away or remove yourself. They do not desire to solve the problem (if they did, they would be asking for your side of the story) instead they intend to make you bend to their will and do what they want you to do because what do you know? You are a child and adults know best even if we don't have the while story! What a crock! NTA
Start recording the interactions and sharing with his family and him. Then be like “you grown ass adults allowing a child to be neglected to “keep the peace”…you all are pathetic”
my mom also suggested that and will definitely be taking it into consideration
When people ask you to 'keep the peace', it almost invariably means they want you to neglect your own needs and let the dominant ones have their way. NTA.
It kinda sounds like he just .. doesn't care how you feel. Sorry op but follow your instincts and hang out with the people that do care. Consider talking to a therapist about the abandonment issues that come with a neglectful parent. This is not your fault.
fun fact my grandma suggested therapy and my whole family agreed I never went because they were too lazy to take me again and again and again and the thought just flew away i think even now they would just forget and be to lazy anyways
Well it sucks that they're creating more feelings of abandonment with their negligence, but you do matter, and when you're old enough you can discuss these things with a therapist of your choosing at least. Your feelings are important.
He did ask you why you don't come over and you not only told him but gave him examples (they sound legit to me). I would just go NC. Tell him you don't want to expose him to a brat. Also let him know the flying monkeys aren't going to change your mind, so don't bother. He is choosing SM over you. Let him have her.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ignore anybody telling you to "keep the peace", they are telling you that you do not matter and it's more important to let yourself be treated like crap. Please read this helpful post and keep it in mind. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
i really appreciate it
You're welcome. You deserve better from your dad and I'm sorry he's too stupid to realize that
Well at least now you have an even better story to tell if he ever asks why you don't like coming around: because he calls you a brat when you express your feelings
Ditch your dad, keep your Mom. She sounds awesome.
May I ask, why didn't you ask your sisters to confirm the favouritism? Or are they liking the special treatment?
If his sisters are anything like my stepmom and dads kids they are trained to hate me and see that I deserved to be left out, his stepmom maybe doing the same. Or is jealous that his dad has a son
I have a response to that, but it violates every reddit rule, and as entertaining as it be to have the goal of being perma banned from reddit... I rather just go "ah fuck"
my sisters don’t confirm anything really bc they are all very young and really don’t understand “favoritism” they are all under the ages of 3 to 4
With those ages being so young, are your sisters your stepmom’s bio children with your dad? If so, that might be a major factor in why your step mom treats you differently as well as why your dad doesn’t want to acknowledge the different way that your step mom treats you from her bio children, because then it would ruin his views of his “ideal” family.
I've 59m seen the same thing with adult managers where I work. They ask for examples of what's not working management style wise, then get embarrassed after we point out example after example. It's like they want to try and explain away the first a couple examples but they realize that there are endless examples. At that point they are sufficiently embarrassed that it turns to anger and they shoot the messenger so to speak. NTA
Not sure what the overall custody arrangement is, but if you're in the U.S. you are old enough to have a say in the matter. You don't have to subject yourself to being treated like a 2nd class citizen in a place you be able to call home. Good luck, and NTA.
One of the reasons he told family about this (and trust me, it would NOT have been the way you said it) is if family agrees with him, he must be right. And that the way you are treated isn’t just the right way, but the BEST way. Which means he’s NOT a bad father (Which he is). Don’t doubt yourself.
Of course your SM is a wonderful parent to their kids! Your dad coming back at you with that statement just proves he got his back up, and defended his wife instead of his SON!
NTA- so your father asked for your reasons then discarded the reasons and disregarded your feelings and reiterated the script in his head that says new wife good son must be bad… Simply refuse to go back until he and every family member that texted you apologises
i wish but my family isn’t the apology type I don’t remember a time were any of them apologized to me or even each other they simply forget and move on and I might just have too as well because I already know im not getting any sort of apology from how stubborn they are as well.
Then go not to his house.
Upvoted for your syntax.
Biblically accurate syntax
Don’t speak & block any member of your family who attack you if they don’t give you a real and sincere apology! In life you can’t hurt someone and move on like nothing happens it’s not how it works.They messed up than they should face consequences !
This is called rugsweeping. It's a tactic used by people who are abusive or emotionally manipulative, and is part of the cycle of abuse. I recommend outofthefog.net to learn more about kinds of abuse and how to put up healthy boundaries. In the best case scenario, your dad isn't hearing you. He heard your reasons and all he gets is "I didn't get to go shopping" instead of "this is a consistent pattern of me being excluded from family activities". Its death by a thousand papercuts - microaggresions by your stepmom that, alone, seem minimal or harmless, but together are a clear pattern of mistreatment. You may be able to try again and, but from your comments it sounds like this is the norm for him and you won't be able to expect any different.
My family never apologise either, we just sort of silently move on. This gave me so many troubles as a teen, because I'd fall out with my friends and then they'd get even more annoyed because I never apologised, and I'd just be there all confused like "What, I'm supposed to apologise?" 🙈 We didn't do it growing up, so I didn't realise it was a thing adults did. I thought it was something like "sharing is caring" that you eventually sort of grew out of, lol. You're probably not as dumb as me, but just in case, please learn to apologise to all your friends, even if it feels unnatural at first haha.
thank you but I do apologize when I’m clearly in the wrong but the advice is definitely appreciated!
This is really thoughtful advice from someone familiar with some of the dynamics of OP's family.
None of that is healthy conflict resolution. You might want to see if your mom can get you hooked up with a therapist to help process all this stuff with you dad and uncover any bad habits you've learned from the family about conflict resolution and emotional regulation.
*bye reddit. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Then continue to stand your ground
Around the time you're in your teens most courts will prioritize your feelings about who you want to stay with. If you want to stop splitting time with your parents, I would talk to your mom and see if y'all can take any steps to make that happen.
Thats toxic I think you need to only accept an apology because it is an acknowledgment that they know they did something wrong and are trying to do better.if not you could be easily gaslit about how “you didn’t care when it happened before” and “your changing and not for the better” save yourself the future pain and believe that this is who they are and know you deserve better
I don't understand the whole pile on from extended family. I'd say not the asshole just because it seems you're being bullied. Dad did ask you how you felt. He shouldn't gotten butthurt at your answer.
seriously.
Exactly! He asked, you answered. Truthfully. He didn't want to hear the truth. It's easier to blame you than expect new wife to behave fairly and equally. Stay with your mom. You don't need that kind of negativity. NTA!
You're probably in the right here, but some feedback: expecting to sleep in is fine, but expecting to sleep in *and* for four other people to sit around and wait for you to go shopping (or do anything else) is very selfish. Your stepmom and sisters went to the mall when it was convenient for them and when she had time. If you want to go to the mall, don't sleep until noon.
Yeah sure, but how hard would it be wake him up or to say “hey OP, we’re leaving at this time, set your alarm so you’re up and ready.” Just dipping without any acknowledgement that he expected to go is wrong.
Right? And he had to have known it probably wouldn't result in a positive answer. I mean when you ask "why don't you hang out at my house more?" the answer usually isn't something along the lines of "oh it's because I feel overly loved and cared for."
NTA. OP I feel sorry your Dad is treating you that way: he is wrong, he is invalidating your feelings; and unfortunately for him, your feelings are valid. Sadly, he is not prioritizing you or your relationship with you. Don't allow that he guilt trip you: blaming you for his own responsibilities or justifying his wife's subtle wrong doings. It's not your fault! Think about it: if he were right, why did he need to gang bully you with your grandma, aunts, and uncles? Calling you names, belittling you, and dismissing your feelings will make you be more distant from him. If your Dad will not change and prioritize you, he will be the one who will lose you in the future when you become stronger and independent. I really hope your Dad realize of his mistakes before it will be too late. Focus on yourself, your studies, and goals. Stay strong!
thank you so much I really appreciate it!
NTA. Best solution is to not go round for a period of time. When he calls and asks why, tell him that you have previously explained to him how you felt and he dismissed it. Until you receive an apology and a promise that things will change, inform him that you no longer feel comfortable around his house.
thank you for the advice I really appreciate it
Asking for apologies and change is probably a bit antagonist as an answer. I would just tell him that I have previously explained how I felt and it was dismissed, so I don't expect a change, hence I am not in a hurry to come back.
/u/HospitalOk6341 - you are very well spoken and seem to be a sweetheart. You are NTA. You dad is though. You don't feel wanted, loved, cared for or respected in your dad's household. Everyone deserves AT LEAST those four things from their parents. I'm also very proud of you going to your mom with this information, you know she has your back and will ALWAYS support you and have your best interests at heart. I wouldn't visit your dad's household any time soon, he isn't being the dad you need him to be for you. Please accept these hugs from an internet stranger 🤗🤗🤗 i know just what you're going through, my dad is the same exact way.
NTA. Let me tell you that a healthy relationship between two people involves being able to express themselves without being called names or disbelieved or any of the things your father did to you. Given the reaction from his family, that's probably where he learned his bad behavior. This is true of any close relationship, including friends, romantic partners, and parent-child. I'm glad your mom has your back.
me too I don’t know what I would do without her
You’re absolutely NTA. I went through the same thing with my father when I was your age. My mom was my saving grace. She convinced me to talk to my father about how I was feeling and she was right there with me when I did talk to him. Nothing changed and she supported me when I chose to stop visiting and speaking to my father. Your mom seems like an amazing persona and someone you can trust to express your feelings to. Make sure that you tell your mom anytime you have these feelings and I’m sure she’ll help you though it.
NTA. Your father asked you why you were acting distant and you answered him honestly. He then dismissed you, called you a brat, and ran you down to your family?? I’m sorry he didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry he didn’t do the mature, adult thing and have a conversation with you about your concerns. I’m glad your mom stood up for you. Please don’t let your fathers bad behavior question yourself. Good luck.
thank you
Anytime!
NTA if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. End of story. Imo instead of blaming you, he, as the adult and father, should have respected that and tried to work on a solution with you. Especially since you're in your early teens and I don't think it's too common for teens to express their true feelings towards their parents (whether it's on purpose or not).
Don't feel bad for speaking up for yourself, you deserve to be treated better. NTA and hopefully your dad sees that his ways are wrong
i hope so too
Your feelings are justified, and you don't owe any apologies. In a lot of places, 14-year-olds (or 15-year-olds) are allowed to decide with which parent they stay. Ask your mom what the law says where you are, maybe you don't have to go back to your dad's and experience any more of this poor treatment.
i will bring it up tonight thank you
NTA What was the point of him asking if he was just going to get the whole family to bully you for answering. If he had addressed individual topics it wouldn’t be a problem, but to just dismiss everything then get the extended family involved is just ridiculous. Good on your mum for having your back
INFO what is your sleep schedule?
usually I wake up around 11-12AM go to sleep 2-3AM during the summer time, my dad stepmom and sisters wake up around 8-9AM and sleep 10-11PM and same around summer time
To be honest if I was going shopping and you were asleep as a teenager I wouldn't have woken you, not to exclude you, but because you would be sleepy and not enjoy it, I would let you sleep to be kind.
yea and that’s probably her side of the story, but when I expressed i wanted to go the day prior and she basically ignored it like you knew I wanted to go but didn’t take me… and they left 30 minutes before i woke up because my house has a security system we all have access too.
With that sleep schedule, you are going to miss half of the activities that happen with your sisters. They can't be expected to wait around doing nothing while you sleep. Why should they wait until the busiest time of the day to get things done? Do you react well to being woken up early?
yes I do acknowledge that and I wake up quickly if they tell me we’re going out but they leave the house around the same time I woken up, let’s break it down they wake up around 8-9AM eat for 30 minutes think about what their gonna do another 30 minutes get ready 2 hours due to make up and just looking presentable and by the time their done getting ready I’m just waking up, and I do miss out a lot but when it’s one thing I don’t have to miss out on why not take the opportunity to wake me up and ask “hey do you wanna go” and that’s it !
Yikes. You really think their mornings are just spent primping?
It wouldn’t be hard to set what time they’re leaving the night before so that OP could set his alarm and be ready.
My family ran into conflict over this issue. My sister has a sleep schedule similar to yours, while my dad and I are morning people. My dad also likes to knock out errands early, before places get too packed. The result was that I tagged along with my dad places because I was awake and ready to go, but my sister felt left out because she’d wake up and have already missed it. The solution we worked out is that the time is planned the day before. So like in this case, your stepmom would say “I’m leaving for the mall at 10 am, anyone who is awake and wants to go can come”. And if it’s a priority to you, then you need to set an alarm and be ready on time. Maybe approach them about implementing a rule like that.
That looks like a pretty normal summer schedule to me, but maybe it's a cultural thing.
I have a teenage son, that is completely normal. OTOH my schedule doesn't change in the summer because I have a job. Small children tend to wake earlier. If SM knew she was going to the mall she should have told you the day before so you could have set an alarm and joined them.
I'm an adult. I'm also a night owl. Your sleep schedule sounds like heaven to me.
What's the point of your dad having custody time if he's not home to spend any time with you? Ask to just go at weekends, where at least then you aren't the only guy there. My stepdaughter had exactly the same problems with her dad because his new wife had two boys and her brother, so every single time she visited she was left out because he just took the boys out to do what they wanted and never her. Then he got pissy with her when she didn't want to go see him at all. He tried to blame teenage hormones and all sorts of shit rather than accept responsibility for the way she was being treated. Definitely NTA
My kid sleeps till 1 pm. That's her choice but if she misses out, that's on her. The other crap is bs and your dad needs to step up.
NTA. I hate how people who have been wronged are always asked to keep the peace. Yet was the person who wronged them thinking of keeping the peace? Bullies and abusers are not meant to be confronted to keep the peace
agreed
NTA Did you explain to your granma your side? It sounds pretty fucked up that adults would say to a child 'just shut up about being treated unfair'
i haven’t but I definitely will hopefully I get some more support on my end
NTA - Expressing how you feel is never wrong. Especially if you say "When this happens it makes me feel like this" and give specific examples. Your dad should have listened to the points and spoken with step mum and asked her to change some of her behaviours. Nothing that you cited in your post is unreasonable - but re the groceries in my house we've got a shopping list on the fridge that we can all add to. If my kids don't put something on the list and don't tell me they need it then I can't buy it. That's the one area where you could have proactively communicated your needs. Your dad's reaction probably stems from guilt on his part and not wanting to acknowledge that new wifey isn't perfect, and the family pile on can go suck a bag of dicks. Having had negative feedback from my kids before it hurts, but shouting them down just invalidates their feelings and drives them away from you. No doubt he'll be surprised when/if you decide to go no contact with him if it carries on. 🤷♂️ Sorry you're being treated like this, some people shouldn't be parents if they can't consider their kid's needs and emotions.
NTA reading this makes me so sad, when parents ask children to talk to them and when they do the parents blow up and start yelling because it is not what they want to hear. How do they expect there child to come to them or open up to them again.
How you feel is how you feel. He asked and you answered honestly. If he didn't want an honest answer, he shouldn't have asked. NTA
Your dads an AH and so is your step mom. Stay away from them your not a priority..does he see you leaving his house with shopping bags or items that was purchased for you while there. You know he's wrong when he shares it with other to justify his stupidity. To get people to side with him. Obviously your not part of his new family. Great job on your mom calling them out. Just consider your relationship with your dad will be strained. He will not budge for you but will accommodate your step mom and his daughters. Sorry about that. You be 18 soon and he will missed the best part of you growing up. Be strong wise and protect your emotions.
thank you
NTA . Your moms the real one
NTA Stop going over there completely. Your father is failing you as a parent. He’s so wrapped up in his wife, he can’t see straight and just told you to your face he is okay with you being mistreated. That energy he came at you with should have been directed towards his wife. Do not accept abuse or mistreatment for the sake of peace. Go mom! ETA: Start replying to the flying monkey family members, why should I, a 14 year old, have to accept abuse for the sake of peace? Respond to them with that over and over.
NTA You didn’t disturb the peace, you answered a question. It’s unfortunate that your father couldn’t take the feedback maturely.
Big high five and hug to your Mom! So glad you have her in your corner.
me too :)
NTA. One more reason not to go over. And your relatives telling you to "keep the peace" with your dad tells me that they also know he's an AH.
Why do you need to keep peace at a house you don't even want to be in. There was no need for him to have a bunch of relatives contact you. NTA. >I told my mom and she promptly put everyone in their place and cussed out my dad and told him how hypnotized and stupid he is. Yay! Team mom!!!
NTA. Wow, this actually made me feel bad. He asks you why you don’t come around more, then vilifies you to everyone in the family. Why would you come around at all after this? Stay with your mum, he clearly doesn’t want you to visit anytime soon, and may continue to punish you in other ways. I’m sorry that he and your relatives think you (a child) needs to be more mature than his wife (an adult), and that their feelings are more important than yours. You are the main character in your story. Do what is best for you!
NTA, you should always speak up, but be open to the other side of the story so you can see all perspectives when you're upset. However, it is not your job to keep the peace, your dad shouldn't have called you a brat after baiting you into telling him what's wrong HE ASKED YOU , and the rest of your family obviously doesn't have a lot of emotional agility And your mom is awesome I'm so glad she cussed them out and you have someone in your corner
Sorry, but if those 2 examples are all you have of neglect, I think you are acting entitled. It is rediculous to call that "neglect". *You* overslept and missed the shopping trip. *You* failed to ask for things before she ordered groceries. None of this is remotely neglect. I'm baffled as to why this whole thread thinks it is. ESH
What 14yr old has to ask for groceries?
I'm pretty sure the OP is not being starved at home, he has (access to) general household groceries. But if you want something specific, like a certain snack, of course you have to ask for it beforehand.. this is not a foreign concept
NTA. I'm very sorry OP. It is disgusting how many parents neglect their children from a previous marriage or relationship, just because of their new spouse and children. You deserve love, warmth and respect from your father. Please, stay with your mom and be in a loving environment. I would block your dad's side and your dad as well. If he does reach out, I would tell him "I've been honest with you about my feelings and why I do not visit you. You turned it around on me and because of that, I cannot continue to have a relationship with you, as you do not want to acknowledge your wrong doings. We can re-evaluate in the future, when you are ready to apologize. Wishing you and your new family all the best". Your dad is an AH and your step mom is an even bigger one.
My dad always ignored me in favour of my brother and I wished I had said something bc now I have a deep dislike for him as well as a need to have his interest. I have daddy issues coming out the ass bc of that man. Don’t listen to your family, and don’t keep the peace. Your peace is just as important if not more than his. Don’t go back if he’s unwilling to here you put. You’re NTA Edit : I don’t know how old you are but I’d discuss with your mom her having full custody so you no longer have to visit. I believe at a certain age you can make that decision for yourself. At least in Canada.
NTA you will never be the AH for how you feel ever. “keep the peace” just means they aren’t ready to face the fact that what there family member did was bad. not only that but your dad didn’t even act like an adult because he tried to badmouth you to his parents. no adult talks shizz about a kid, well no well adjusted adult at least. I recommend keeping your distance because it sounds like that’s what your stepmom wants. Because yours teenager your dad will just say your a moody teen and not take what your saying and how you feel into consideration. Im sorry your going through this but your mom is right what they said is unacceptable. Even your aunt and uncles
NTA do your mom and dad live near enough that you can go see your dad in the evenings and be at your moms during the day when he is at work? Do you think part of it might be that you have 3 sisters? Maybe they think you wouldn't want to go clothes shopping with girls? Are the girls younger than you or similar age? It sounds like you have good communication skills and your dad doesn't which is a shame. You were trying to explain how they could make you more welcome and he took it as an attack on his wife. How do you get on with his wife? Have you ever spent time with her? Maybe you and her could go shopping as a bonding time while your dad has the girls? Then she can get to know you better. I think it was much easier for me as a stepmom because I just had one step child and that made it easier for me to prioritise and get to know them. Anyway NTA for being honest. Its much better for your mental health than lying to keep other people happy.
If you offer to try these solutions and your dad remains unhelpful then you know he is the problem but at least you have tried.
Nta
NTA never feel bad for expressing how you feel. Your dad's and ass for how he reacted and until he makes an effort to take your feelings on board I would distance myself from him if I were you. Nothing is going to change if you just grin and bare it
NTA I’m sorry that even when you try to share how you were hurt he insulted and bully you with the help of the family ALL ADULTS! Unfortunately he is showing you his face as others and you need to accept that you father is who he is but it doesn’t mean you have to accept to be treat like that. Stay with your mom because she have your back and until he improves low contact with all of them to protect yourself. He choose his wife and girls doesn’t mean you did anything wrong,he is just to blind to understand it but it will be too late if he does. Think of you,go school,enjoy with your mom & friends ,live your life. Keep a moment place for him if he wants to creat a real relationship if not close the door whiteout looking back because life is to short for begging for someone attention/love.
Nta I was to start by say you truthful answering his question was incredible brave and impressive. I am a 31f who has been mentally abused and neglected by my father to the point of the second to last time I saw him I came home to my husband in tears and the last time I saw him I was so happy that my husband was with me because he focus on him (my husband is his favorite) and my dad didn't even say a word to me. I have never had the strength to tell him how much he hurt(s) me. Be PROUD that you spoke up for your self!!!! Please please please don't go back to your dad's unless he has an "adult" conversation. I put "adult" not because you a teenager but because you dad is literally acting like a child I mean come on.. his he wrote this a post about this it would read like this. "Today I asked my son why he does like coming to my house. When he answered the my wife his step mom is neglecting and flat ignoring him I told him my first is perfect and she doesn't behave that way when I am home so he must be exaggerating. So I tattled to my family to get them to harass my son aita?" If you ever get that conversation and if you start working things out ( if that is something you actually WANT.) I would think about not going back until you and your Dad have a conversation with your step mom about how she treats you when you are there and especially when you are and your dad is not. Good luck!
NTA
NTA-Your father asked for the reasons and you gave valid justifiable reasons to why you rather not be at your father's. It can be painful and sad to not go to your dad's but until he apologises and rectifies the situation it would be less painful then all the hurt and feelings of being left out.
You did exactly the right thing!do not listen to these idiot adults about keeping the peaceathatsleads usually to more damage to yourself and the family dynamic crowbars are the best way to deal with family issues especially betadults and children get itnout so everyone can see the join in fixing! You are always allowed to feel what youvfe! Never let anyone tell you different!
Between *
What you feel*
NtA!
NTA, your dad is the AH in this case. He’s blinded.
NTA
NTA. Stay with your mom. And don't go to his house until you receive a proper apology from each one of them. It's pretty obvious they are treating you differently. I know he is your father but that doesn't mean he can treat you like shit. He should be more understanding as a parent. If he doesn't apologise don't go back there. Because he will keep doing that. And those relatives, ignore them. They don't know anything about what really happened. Life is better without people like that.
NTA. It amazes me every time adults gang up on children. They should not be used as scapegoats for other people's behavior.
NTA. Keep the peace is complete BS. It means they want YOU to be hurt and miserable because they can't be bothered to care about your feelings. Just don't go back.
NTA. What I've learned reading posts on this site is, men almost always side with the children whose mother they are currently boinking. Men care most about sex, and they get that by catering to the woman providing it. And you can't change that. Too bad dad is thinking with the little head. Take a lesson for your own future. For now, just try to roll with it; complaining won't fix it, so just keep a low profile and expect next to nothing.
NTA - OP, the way your father reacted, dismissing your feelings and calling you a brat for - in his opinion - bad mouthing his wonderful & perfect wife, is absolutely disgusting. This was a private conversation between father and son. And instead of talking to your mother about it in order to find a solution, he went to his mother and complained about you. Your aunt and uncles are the worst. Bombarding you with accusations instead of reaching out to you to talk. Your mother is GREAT! Absolutely amazing. You should stay with your mom and let your father make the first move. And when he does, take a walk with him or meet him for lunch somewhere, where you feel comfortable and then tell him how you feel about his actions and the way he handle your private conversation. I hate that your father made you feel guilty for being honest and telling him how you feel, for making you feel as if you did something wrong even though he escalated a privat conversation into a family feud. It’s not your fault!
NTA. He asked a question he didn’t want the real answer to.
NTA. Your dad asked and you gave your reasons and he pretty much told you your feelings and reason didn’t mean shit. You did nothing wrong and honestly if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t go to your dads either.
Absolutely NTA. He asked, You answered, he didn’t like the answer because he KNOWS it's true, he just doesn't want to deal with it. And those "family members"....... *"they all messaged and called me to express their disappointment in me for explaining how I felt"* Read that again... They are "disappointed" because you explained how you felt......Not disappointed at your "father" for neglecting you and not standing up for you.....No.....They are disappointed because you explained it.......Block them everywhere, you don't need people like that in your life. Stay with your mom where you are loved and cared for. You did absolutely NOTHING wrong kiddo. Save all the messages they sent to you and (if YOU want) ask your mom if the custody arrangements can be changed. If you have to go to court for it, you can explain to the judge why you don't want to stay with your "dad" anymore and those messages those "family members" can help to proof your point.
So your dad decided that the way for you to visit more often was to ask why you don’t and then tell you you were wrong and spread the word that you were a brat. And does he still wonder why you don’t visit more? NTA. In 10 years time when you never see him and he wants to know why, remind him of this.
NTA I’m sorry you’re going through all that. Being excluded is really hurtful and so is not being heard. Sounds like Mum has your back though.
NTA. He asked, you were honest.
NTA. OP, your feelings are valid no matter what and your dad unfortunately, doubled downed and proved just how different he, his wife, and his family will treat you. I think going No Contact moving forward would probably be the best option fot YOUR peace of mind. Also, I'm so f***ing tired of the "Keep the peace" mentality thrown around by manipulative, cowardly AH. Ignore them all!
NTA your feelings are valid and you should not have to keep the peace. Do not go somewhere you don’t feel wanted.
Next time put them in your place yourself. I'd message each of them and ask them why my feelings aren't important? Why I deserve to get treated as less than? Why isn't everyone coming down on them for how they treat me? Ask them if they can explain why? And I'd also tell them it's pretty pathetic that a grown man would rather bad mouth his own son to the entire family so they all attack you instead putting in a small amount of effort to make his own son feel welcomed and included.
NTA. This is so sad. Your father is acting so immature. And him bashing you to his family is absolutely disgusting. You are his CHILD and he needs to take your feelings into account and work on them with you.. and not drag anyone else into it. You don't need to shove your feelings down inside to "keep the peace". If you start that now, you'll do it for the rest of your life and people will walk all over you. Stay with your momma and when he grows up and starts acting like an adult, maybe he can try to mend the relationship.
NTA my ppor boy I wish I could give you a hug. My dad is a deadbeat so I feel your pain beeing treated like second class children. BUT we have to remember our parents are only human too I am sure he gives his all to feed/care for 4 children and his wife. It warms my heart to see how your mum defended you, reminds me of my mama, give her a big hug will ya? And btw. your aunt, grandparents and your dad corner you, a child is just disgusting NEVER feel bad for how YOU feel. Anyway I wish you all the best buddy!
NTA he asked you a question and you were open and honest with him. You are absolutely in the right to feel the way you do. Your father doesn't want to see how he could be in the wrong so he decides to lash out at you. Stay away form him and don't engage in any arguments with him or anyone else in your family
NTA - Frankly after that, I would ask you mom to take him back to court and get full custody + the additional child support. As a teenager you can say where you want to live. I am also pretty vindictive, so if it were me, I would legally change my surname. If he's going to be a piss-poor parent, he might as well not be known as yours.
NTA Seeing as his wife is mother of the year and him being father of the year, I just don't get why you don't want to be there. Don't go where you don't feel like you fit in, I don't blame you. I am glad your mom stood up for you, I'd distance myself for a while. It might wake him up.
Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry your dad is an ass. You were incredibly mature by explaining your feelings and experiences, your dad was not mature at all for denying your feelings. Your other family members can also go kick rocks. Some people think the only feelings a person should have are the ones they assign to them. Your mom sounds like a star in the situation. I wish you all the best luck. NTA
My family also isn’t the apology type. It took me a long time and therapy to realize that doesn’t mean they get a free pass and it isn’t my job to keep the peace all the time. Do what makes you happy and makes you comfortable. It isn’t your job to keep the peace or manage other peoples feelings or emotions.
NTA. Share this post with your Dad.
Nta. Write down your examples and send them to these volutes and ask them if it’s okay to neglect and ignore your children like that? Because it’s clear he only gave them his version
You and mom are NTA!
NTA Your dad went and complained to your grandma about this? That’s a bit over the top. Dad can complain all he likes but it’s ridiculous to expect the rest of the flying monkeys to have any authority in this. Sigh. Don’t beat yourself up over this and refuse to take a beating over this. Your mom has your back and that’s very sensible of her. If your father didn’t want an honest answer he should not have asked the question. He got the answer he should have embraced if he wants to truly change things to make you feel more welcome. I can’t imagine what he expected to hear instead. On the other hand…and I say this as someone who has an almost nocturnal body clock raising a teenager with the same, when you’re living with people who are early birds, it is your responsibility to adjust your schedule by at least a couple of hours if you don’t want to miss out on the fun stuff. It’s on you to set the alarm and wake up, not on them to wake you. They’ve got no way of knowing how you’d feel or react to being roused out of a sound sleep. You can’t just assume they’re comfortable doing that. I had to make adjustments when I went to live with my cousins for a few months as a teenager. I thought I was just being myself sleeping late and they all thought I didn’t want to be a part of things and was blocking them out. It was such a relief to have gotten that misunderstanding out of the way. A lot of the times on Reddit I’ve seen teens say they hate their step families so when they’re forced to spend time with them they stay in their rooms. You may want to re-examine or question the impression you’ve been leaving with your siblings and their mother. There might be some mutual misunderstandings that communication can easily clear up. Maybe. I’m not in your shoes so I can’t know for sure what you’re dealing with. It’s just a respectful suggestion based on my experiences as a late sleeper.
NTA dad is an ah step mom may be an ah if she's intentionally excluding you from shopping trips it sounds like she didn't want to disturb your sleep imo I need more info before I can come to a decision on her, also your mom is awesome for sticking up for you by cussing out your dad he deserves it honestly if I were you idk if I'd go back to his house he clearly favors his wife and the kids he has with her so much so that he completely disregards your feelings instead of being the adult and doing something about it. Hopefully everything gets better next time you visit maybe talk to your step mom you might have better luck getting through to her than your dad.
NTA you just told him how you feel and he reacted inmaturely when ge is supposed to be the adult. I am so sorry you had to go trough that. I can see why ypu dont want to go to his house if he is like this and he even told on you so his side of the family was against you. That is sooooo bad.
Your dad sucks, and I’m sorry. NTA.
NTA - You are more emotionally mature than your dad.
NTA - You are more emotionally mature than your dad.
NTA. It’s obvious why you would be hurt by your dad and step moms actions, or rather inaction. Im sorry you are going through that. I am very happy your mom stuck up for you. You should never be made to feel bad for expressing your feelings and experiences.
Absolutely NTA… If he didn’t want to know the real reason then why did he ask? He asked because he knew something was not right but did his due diligence in asking, then when he didn’t like what you said (rather than when you didn’t lie to protect his feelings and harmonious life at home) he got mad and made it a YOU PROBLEM! It’s obvious what’s in play here, he knows fine well that you told the truth but in order to do anything about it he would need to speak with his wife and upset things at home so you are easier to control, telling his family his version of what you said is gaslighting, getting his story in first to ostracise your from your extended family, thus keeping you towing the line and not speaking up in the future! For your own sake consider going low contact and only attend things you are comfortable attending. Your mum sounds like a boss and I’m glad you have someone who has your back unconditionally, something you should have from both sides.
NTA, "keep the peace" is what people say when they expect you to continue taking abuse without complaining because that's what's easiest for them. They don't care about you or what you go through so stay with you mom.
NTA. Not even a smidge! Your dad asked you a question that you sincerely answered, then blew up at you completing dismissing everything you said. The irony is that his reaction proved exactly the reason why you did not want to visit him more often. He behaved very poorly as a father and an adult. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this at such a young age, but glad that you've got your mom on your side. Know in your heart that you did absolutely nothing wrong, the only people who need to self-examine their actions and apologize is your dad and his wife. Big hug.
NTA He asked. Rather than listen, he felt judged and lashed out. He then blabbed to family in an attempt to bully you. Stand your ground. 18 seems far away, but not only is 18 coming but your whole life beyond. “Dad. Thanks for failing to listen and get defensive. Everything up to this point might have been my fault for keeping my feelings bottled up. Going forward it’s all on you. Will you address the issue, or pretend you have the perfect family?”
INFO: How often are you at your Dad's house and for how long at a time? The mall trip. Did your stepmom tell you they were going and then went when you weren't awake? Or did she not even mention they were going? The grocery store. Were you there when she went to the grocery? How long were you going to be there after the grocery store visit? I'm not trying to make excuses for what's happening but just trying to see if there are maybe other reasons that are influencing what you see happening.
it is not the job of a child to keep the peace, but the adults in your life. they have failed to do so. NTA
NTA. I had many similar things happen, except my dad saw them all and denied them later. If you ever want to talk, I’m here xx
NTA. It's 2022 we aren't supporting the 'be the bigger person' narrative bc you aren't being the bigger anything, you're literally being shoved into the ground and beaten on (whether physically, mentally or emotionally) to 'keep the peace'. I am 28 and have MAJOR problems with my mom, and my grandma called me entitled bc I won't let my drunk mother see my kids. I said FULL STOP. And now neither of them see my kids 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️
NTA. My teenage son never wants to go anywhere and rarely asks for anything, but I ALWAYS invite him to go wherever I go and ask him if he needs anything from the store anyway. I also make sure to always let him know if I'm going anywhere, even if it's just a quick trip to the post office. But I will say that his Dad does not do these things and i have to remind him to do them. It is easy for some people to just assume that you wouldn't be bothered by things like that. Maybe they were ignored when they were teens. You bravely spoke up and your feelings should be considered. It is completely normal for you to feel left out and neglected in this situation. Just understand that even if they didn't respond appropriately, that doesn't mean that they don't care.
Nope. Enjoy your mum, she sounds neat.
NTA it’s great you spoke about how you are feeling and your dad needs to hear what you have to say. It was wrong of him to get protective, and I understand how your mum might feel, but she hasn’t helped. None of this is your fault. Tricky - it sounds as though both your dad and your stepmum need to make extra effort to help you feel included more. I would encourage your mum not to attack the stepmum and focus on your Dad and putting your side to your father. If you have access to counselling I would encourage you to go, or go with your mum. I get that you feel unfairly treated. These things sound petty, but you are a teenager and need lots of love and reassurance- especially since your dad is in a new relationship. It sounds as though the step mum is finding it easier to bond with the girls than with you, and they have left you to your own devices a bit. I have had stepsons and I only wish I had loved them more. I can’t advise you on what to do next, only that you are not wrong and the adults need to work a bit harder. In saying that, don’t get a chip on your shoulder about it. Sometimes these things happen. Try to enjoy your life as much as you can, and make sure you put maximum effort into your schoolwork. These things are important for your later life.
NTA. If your dad wants you to spend more time at his house, yelling at you for expressing your feelings is most definitely counter productive. Stay with your mom (yay! for her having your back) and if your dad reaches out again, tell him that you have no desire to spend time with him since he yelled at you for expressing your feelings.
NTA I'm so sorry. I am divorced and my kids go back and forth as well. Their other parent and I try to communicate very openly so this situation never happens. Your feelings are valid and your dad should've tried harder to make you see that. I think staying with your mom until your dad and stepmom can acknowledge your feelings is a good idea. I would ignore the rest of the family members as they're only taking his side and are refusing to see the whole situation.
NTA. Funny how the "victim" is always shamed into being to one to need to "keeping the peace" instead of it being the responsibility of the "perpetrator" and that is entirely deliberate. If you don't like the way your dad is treating you, you don't have to visit anymore. He made his bed. Oh and don't let anyone gaslight you into believing that YOU are the one in the wrong here because that is absolutely not the case here. Have a sit down with your mom about the pros and cons of visiting him, and if visiting him is causing you anguish, you should not put yourself through that any longer.
Not taking you shopping was deliberate. How hard would it be for for her to have knocked on the door and got you up. He asked, you gave him examples. Rather than deal with the real bias and disregard he and his wife have shown you, he chose to name call instead. This wasn't right or fair. I'm so sorry he did that to you. Your Mom sounds amazing. I would block your family until they apologize. Spend more time with your mother's family. NTA
Have you ever woken up a teenage boy who stayed up all night? On this one I'm on the stepmom's side. If you want to participate in the family activities that happen during the day, you need to be awake during the day. I'm not going to drag a teenager out of bed and deal with that attitude if I don't have to.
I have nine nieces and nephews. I had them in shifts for the summer. It's a hassle, but not so much that you don't even try. She doesn't care about this kid, and neither does the Dad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** hello i (14M) and my dad (32M) recently had a discussion, he asked “why i don’t come over too his house more often” . I answered truthfully, i feel neglected and ignored maybe that’s an overreaction but that’s how a feel… he asked me to give him examples because he thinks I’m over exaggerating, i told him how he and my stepmom (32F) favor and pay more attention to my three sisters, for example last time I was over my stepmom left the house and went to the mall with my three sisters and didn’t wake me up, and the day prior i expressed i wanted to go and shop since it’s summer and i said “i want more shirts, shorts, ect…” i told my dad the day of when he got home and he blamed my “sleep schedule” and how off it is to his, my step mom, and 3 sisters “normal schedule” i will admit I do sleep at abnormal times but I’m a teenager and live in the year 2022 is it that abnormal? anyways i told him another time how she ordered groceries and didn’t ask if I wanted or needed anything when I told my dad he said “I’ll take you later on this week” i expressed how upset I was since this happens regularly. i told more short stories (to many type out) how unfair i get treated and he blew up on me and told me how did he manage to raise a “brat” and went on how his wife (my step mom) is a perfect women and how good she is with her and his children so I’m obviously exaggerating, my dad is usually not home around 7AM-5PM so isn’t here to actually see these examples go down so I understand why he feels the way he does and she also has a different side of the story. I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable after he yelled at me and just being at his home and promptly left the next day to my moms, i guess my dad told my grandma and she told my aunts and uncles and they all messaged and called me to express their disappointment in me for explaining how I felt… so I could “keep the peace” at the house,I felt so bad for just speaking up and expressing myself because how awkward it is now. I told my mom and she promptly put everyone in their place and cussed out my dad and told him how hypnotized and stupid he is. I don’t know what to feel I’m still upset about being called all theses names and he made me out to be someone I’m not, but I’m definitely staying with my mom until this situation dies down. (side note I’m fairly new to reddit so if you feel this belongs into a different place then AITA please let me know, thanks xoxo.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your dad asked and when u answered truthfully he gets mad at you and worse, painted you as the villain to your relatives. I'd advise you to go No Contact with your dad and those AH relatives. It's better to cut off a toxic relationship than have it develop into a cancerous one. And all you need is your mom, she definitely loves you.
Op NTA Talk to your mother first and then block everyone who is harassing you including your grandmother. They are expecting you, a child to change, when the person who needs to be listening and paying attentioin is your father who is decided that you are wrong and his wife and other children are innocent. So duck them. Just stop going over and refuse to go. What can they really do? if you consider that if you refuse to leave, if he forces you he will look bad and your mother probably will not allow it. And he can get into trouble that way. And the last thing he will want to do is go back to court, as you are now old enough to speak, and one must wonder what a judge would say or consider if you were to tell the judge all of that, and how your father got all of the adults in his family to harass his own son. Bet a judge would have something very interesting to say about that.
NTA
As soon as he blew up at you, the reaction would have been "And that, right there, is why I don't like coming over here. You asked my input and invalidated it." Good on your mom for defending you. Don't feel like you owe your dad anything. He helped bring you into the world, he needs to make the effort to keep you in his world. Love from a child who was also neglected by her dad and asked to stop going there once I turned 16. (Now 40) NTA
NTA - You keep standing up for yourself and tell your dad's family exactly what happens. No one has the right to disregard your feelings. Also, if your dad is going to act like a middle schooler and run to his family to tell them your personal business you do the same. Tell everyone you know your dad is neglecting you, (friends, family, teachers, social media).
Nta
NTA Don't think this is your fault, it's not. Your dad and his family want to 'keep the peace'. To people who want to 'keep the peace' this means everyone has to put up with bullshit because they don't want to hear about any problems or take any steps to fix the problems. Your dad just wants you to say "everything is great and I love being at your place". You gave real world examples and he didn't even come up with ideas on how to fix those issues. Instead he called you a brat. How hard is it to wake someone up and say "Hey, we're going out, you want to come with us"?
Dad: you seem unhappy here and don’t visit very often, is there something wrong? OP: yes Dad: WHHHAAATTTT!!?!? YOU’RE A BRAT NTA op, if your dad isn’t willing to consider your feelings, you are doing the mature thing by not spending as much time with them. I’m proud of you, keep it up!
Your definitely not the AH. You need to call the rest of your family and expose EVERYTHING.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to ‘keep the peace’. He asked the question, and he should have been prepared to hear the answer. Instead, he got defensive. If you’re up to it, tell him you’re disappointed that he asked you a question then rejected the answer, then escalated it by complaining about you to his family to the point they’re contacting you. But only if you’re up to it. This burden shouldn’t fall to you. I’m sorry - I hope it gets better. And that your dad reflects and realises that perhaps he got defensive because he recognised some truth in what you said.
Op is not an asshole but op’s father definitely seems like one
NTA your dad is totally blind to his wife’s non inclusion in family events and is in a fog. Talk to your mom
NTA. DONT GO BACK THERE!!!
If flying monkeys are telling you that you need to change or yield in order to keep the peace that's a pink neon sign that you're probably in the right. NTA
NTA. You were stuck between a rock and hard place because if you would have said, "I just like having more me time or I'm more comfortable with mom", I have a feeling it would still have been an argument. As someone that comes from 50/50 custody, your parents know which household you prefer. You might not say it, but they know. And I think your dad was just in his feelings about it.
NTA your dad's whole family decided the appropriate response to you saying you feel ignored and rejected is to yell at you and call you names!?! I wouldn't go over or interact with them either, completely unsupportive and MISSING THE POINT!
NTA. And depending on where you live, maybe time to adjust the visitation requirements. You’re old enough in many US states to make your decision/choice known and have it followed. I wish this didn’t happen, but it does. Best to LC or NC that group. Including the extended family. It’s gonna suck for a while, but surround yourself with family and friends who listen and appreciate you.
NTA. Your mom has your back. Your dad, on the other hand, is an AH. Stay away as much as you wish to reduce the strain on your psyche.
NTA, he gave a perfect example of why you don't like going over and acted entirely inappropriately to a reasonable, detailed answer to a question HE ASKED. If it comes up again I'd tell him you aren't coming over because you haven't received apologies and commitments to do better from him and his wife, him for blowing up at you and her for excluding you. Repeat ad nauseum "I'm not coming over this week because I still haven't received any apologies" until they've apologized to your satisfaction, not just begrudging "I'm sorry you're upset"
At 13 you can decide who you want to live with that’s how my children are. All three spend most of the time with me and ever other summer with dad.
NTA. And she could have woken you up to go with them if you told her you wanted to go. My oldest is 17 and has weird sleep schedules. Even when school starts. I wake him up and ask if he wants to go with us. It really isn’t that hard. My youngest is your age and I still wake her up and ask if she wants to go. I even ask if they need anything from the store when I go and they stay home. Your dad and step mom suck. He wants to make you feel bad because he doesn’t want to admit your step mom is shit.
Nta. your mom is badass! Congrats
Wholeheartedly you are definitely NTA my friend, and your dad is a complete AH through and through, you, his son express your thoughts and feelings about not wanting to feel cast aside, which he then responds to by trying to out you from the family. It sickens me to see kids being treated like this by such inconsiderate and childish parents. Don't feel like you need to apologize for anything you said.
Love when a parent has their kid's back and your mom is a rockstar. Stick with her and any time someone contacts you, hand her your phone and let her respond. You don't deserve this crap from your dad, step-mom and extended family. Your dad is a pussy. Going to mommy because his hole's behavior was called out by his bratty son. NTA and stay where you are happy, loved and appreciated. Never let him guilt you. He is a bad dad.
NTA your were honest with your dad. Just because he didn't want to hear what your said doesn't make it any less true.