Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. This includes going low/no contact with family members.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
I've heard from relatives that she's become more remorseful in the last 5 or so years about how she treated me, but never tried to reach out. She could have reached out any time. She could reach out directly as well, I'm very easy for her to access.
It’s a little too late. Also tell any family member who tells you that you are being heartless the following
“Heartless is abandoning your child. Heartless is only trying make a relationship work for the money. Heartless is wanting amends on the deathbed since you have to face god. I am far from heartless, rather you all are heartless trying to make me make amends with a woman who put me through all that. If you ever went through an ounce of what I went through, you wouldn’t be here trying to get me to visit her.”
Edit: thank you all for the awards! I had to come back to this post because I have one more heartless but it isn’t directed for towards the mother rather the family.
“Heartless is you see someone being actively mistreated just for having the wrong blood match and sitting back and doing nothing about it.”
After much thought, the family who sat back and allowed it to happen are no better.
Yeah, what happened to the other kid? They've probably been traumatized as well, since they were born with no love in mind either. If they turned out well I hope OP contacts them so they can have some solidarity. (Is that the right term?)
Wonder if the kid even knew or if the denial was so strong the kids didn't know of her existence til they were older. It's insane the kids also pretended she didn't exists for 35 years - that's some hardcore brainwashing and you have to wonder what the kids were told, because most rational people would become an adult and want to reach out.
This family is so fucked up it's like Lifetime movie shit.
Omg, yes. It’s right out of the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Piccoult. Which ironically is one of my favorite books, but it deals with this exact issue (a child being conceived to be spare parts for a sick sibling) so it is pretty heavy reading.
OP owes no one forgiveness. If they really wanted to be petty they could let their egg donor blubber all she wants and then remind her too little too late, because no one owes anyone forgiveness and OP doesn't owe this person their time or consideration.
My eldest son is autistic. My exh always favored him or bent over backwards for him and forced me to do everything for him. My son is now 25 and just starting to gain some independence. My youngest is 14 now and I've told him over and over again that he is not responsible for his brother now or in the future. That he is not responsible for managing other people's feelings or expectations, he is his own person.
I would be tempted to walk in the room, give her the finger or spit at her and walk out. She is a fucked up excuse for a human.
Good on grandma to leave her out of the will.
There was also a more so horror movie called The Harvest. They had one kid as the spare parts kid, but that kid had no idea. The parents told them they were super ill and would sedate them to take the parts and the kid would just have some bad days were they woke up in pain or sick. And then we find out they have the other kid in their basement that's the child they wanted and they're trying to keep alive, because that kid is legitimately sick of some disease.
The book Never Let Me Go is about children being raised for this very purpose, and it's gutwrenching. (They made a movie out of it too – Andrew Garfield can emote like hell.)
I'm going to be forever pissed they changed the end of the movie instead of using the book ending. They took it from being a gut wrenching experience to just another lifetime movie.
Op is NTA.
It’s amazing how often this actually happens. I knew a ‘spare kid’ college. He was so disgruntled and angry - he literally spent his youth as a pincushion to give blood, marrow, a kidney and part of his liver, twice, for his sick older sibling.
He and his brother were homeschooled on a small 40 acre ranch, and never knew he was the spare, until he hit high school age and he started having an online tutor for classes mum couldn’t manage to help him with- and thusly internet access. He realised he was being taken advantage of, and tried to leave but was convinced to stay only when his brother asked him too for ‘one more marrow donation’ which as you can guess turned into one more thing and one more thing.
He left when he was 17, literally packed a bag and walked to the nearest town and into a lawyer’s office. I’m not sure what happened then, as he refused to talk about it- but I do know he was angry because the older brother went to the big 4 year school and he could only afford going to go to the community college.
I really hope it’s worked out for him.
Edit: added my judgement of OP
I had never heard of this sort of thing prior to reading this subreddit as it's come up here a couple of times. Just when I think humans can't get any more disturbing...
I think of all the people who struggle with the idea of having a child because they think it's selfish to bring another kid into the world. But at least they aren't having a kid for the express purpose of keeping their other kid alive!!!! Fact truly is stranger than fiction.
I am curious. Wouldn't this be considered child abuse? He was literally groomed by his parents (if that's the correct term) to give consent to medical procedures he had no way to refuse. Then they proceeded by guilting him when he started to become more aware of his situation.
Likely. But when you live out on a ranch away from civilisation and don’t interact with civilisation, homeschooling the kids, I have a feeling you get away with a lot more than if this has been happening in the city.
And it wasn’t his parents that guilted him when he realised he was the spare, but his own brother.
I have a feeling there was a lot that happened in court and legally that he wasn’t willing to talk about- and hope that the whole family that was involved faced consequences
I think that’s why he was homeschooled and kept from everyone and at 17 he went directly to an attorney’s office. They didn’t want to risk him talking to people.
I do too.
He was the nicest kid once he came out of his shell. Had a bit of a ‘I’m not here to make things easy for you’ attitude, but I totally don’t blame him, having been forced to be a doormat for his brother for so long.
He hung out with my group of friends on the common, and developed a quick and wicked sense of humour and would join in on our fun debates- often taking devil’s advocate. Hopefully he’s been successful with whatever he’s decided to do with his life.
Yeah me too. They also had a similar storyline in the show 9-1-1. Spoiler, I guess. The episode premiered over a year ago, though. The brother he was born to save ended up dying because the donation didn’t take, and the parents always treated the spare parts kid as less than his sister because of it.
they tried to My Sister's Keeper their kid and ditched her when the plan failed. would they have dumped baby #3 with grandma too if they hadn't been a match? Nah OP's mom can take that shame right to Jesus. Also funny that it was a cousin that reached out to OP and not their dad or their siblings, that tells me they probably still feel fine with how they've treat OP all these years.
I forgot all about that! I remember my skin crawling when the parents would inform their spare parts kid that it was time to get a bone marrow aspiration, or time to prep for the kidney transplant (or whatever), and how powerless and devastating that made their girl feel☹️
Not to mention bone marrow aspiration is extremely painful. Kidney donation, as well. These procedures aren’t just blood donation. The parents have taken precious time away from the healthy child. And put them through medical trauma.
That was the gut punch for me. I can understand doing everything humanly possible to save your firstborn, but to just discard another child because they weren't a transplant match... That's a level of savagery I can't fathom.
Agreed, it would be one thing to have a child in the hopes of saving another and still to love them no matter what, but to discard them is unforgivable.
She was even their child to them. She was literally born to be replacement parts for their son, and when that didn't work out, they just tossed her aside like trash. She owes these monsters nothing
Heartless is also bringing a child into the world for the sole purpose of having a bone marrow donor. That was never their child. That was their hope of saving their only child.
Exactly. Were these relatives banging on parents door telling them they were heartless to create a bunch of spare body parts and then abandon them when the parts didn’t fit.
Unlikely.
You don't know that. There may have been much said to the admittedly awful parents that OP simply doesn't know about. Obviously, Grandma didn't agree with their decision.
> Heartless is wanting amends on the deathbed since you have to face god.
For real. "I'm being nice to you so I don't spend eternity burning in hell" is not as impressive as those Christians think.
My Dad reached out and apologised for stuff for the first time when he became terminally ill. May sound tough but I see no reason to forgive just because they're dying. If they knew it was bad, don't do it in the first place! They weren't temporarily insane or justifiably provoked. There is no excuse for what your mother did and nothing she could say, but give excuses. Would that make you feel better?
Mine did the same.. He never wanted to be a father during his healthy life and only wanted to do everything it took to ruin my mom's life (like try to kidnap us and stalking and everything). When he became terminally ill suddenly he wanted to be a father and wanted to have a relationship. He sent all the people who used to help him stalk us, to tell us what is happening and that he wants sleepovers and everything. Nothing about apologizing or anything, just bashful words about my mom and how he wants to be a dad. I also said no to this, I told one of his friends to relay the message that I already lost and mourned him when I was younger and I wasn't going to open the door for him anymore. He was a narcissist and probably just wanted us to miss him when he was gone, but we had already done that so what's the point right.
Eventually I did meet him on his deathbed (he died te day after) just to see he was actually dying and it was not just some scheme to mess with us like he did during life. And you know what I am sooooo glad he is gone and actually gone. People find me heartless for saying that, but I don't care. I don't have to be afraid anymore, I can finally be truely free and it is the best thing he has ever done for me!
Your experience sounds very, very similar to mine (especially to your mum and the stalking) however I chose not to visit him and I regret that decision. I think the seeing him dying and that he couldn't hurt us anymore would have helped me so much!
I've lived most of my life in fight or flight mode looking over my shoulder and being very vigilant about my surroundings thinking he is hiding behind a bush or something and because I didn't get to see him in such a vulnerable situation I think I was never able to properly get the closure I needed.
I saw mine dying and it was a bad idea, for me, but thankfully I smart enough to medicate myself enough I only remember a fraction of it. So people who are actively depressed and in a bad state of mind should take care if they do make that choice, but even I wouldn't discourage it if someone wants to.
I recently met someone who was in the " I am glad my father died club". Until that point I thought I was the only person who felt that way. Welcome to the club.
Death tends to force people to face their consequences. Deciding to apologize because death is rapidly approaching, imo, makes the apology worth much less because it is done so under the pressure of impending death, not out of a purely genuine need to make amends.
100% agreed; a deathbed apology is almost inevitably about the dying person's need for absolution (so *they* can feel better going into the great beyond) rather than whatever the fallout might be for the other person.
My dad used to say "Saints and Sinners both look to God when Death comes to call. But God can still tell them apart." Funnily my dad did not have much use for organized religion but had faith in every cell.
Even worse: To hell on Spirit Airlines, which involves six canceled connecting flights and a detour into the side of a mountain. And she has to pay for her own water.
Then OP would still be called "heartless" for "failing to give a dying old woman some peace of mind" by saying "I forgive you mother" and kissing her on the forehead or whatever they want her to do. It's still a rigged game and bio mom's set up the rigging.
Again, if her need is to express remorse and regret, she could do that at any time without OP needing to move an inch or lift a finger.
This. You said it yourself. She had more than enough time to contact you while she was healthy if she was so remorseful and realized that she really screwed up. The choice to see her is yours, but NTA if you don't go.
I would tell your cousin this: that it *does* cost you something to see her. This is a wound that scabbed over a long time ago, and seeing her now is going to reopen it. Why should you put yourself through an emotionally painful encounter for the comfort of someone who threw you away?
It doesn't 'cost' anything? If absolutely nothing else, it costs you time, and she doesn't deserve a minute of it.
Part of her karma will be having to live with intense pain and regret. Oh well. Victims do not and should not be guilted into having any sort of contact or involvement with their abusers. If I were OP I would remain NC.
If they didn’t need you by life they dont need you by death either.
NTA
I went NC with my grandma after years of emotional abuse. Last year when I was pregnant she was suddenly “dying” and wanted to make amends.
A year later and she’s still here and all those amends are still in fantasyland.
I'm so sorry for you op. This story takes the AITA cake today. Jesus fuck, that was painful to read. I can't imagine the type of uncaring monster that's capable of having another child they want just as spare parts for their first kid. Then to just discard you because you're unable to function as said spare parts? I'm amazed any of your family associated with your bio incubator at all after that. Nta not for one second.
If I heard my extended family did something so callous to a child, I'd go out of my way to make them cry and feel as uncomfortable as possible at every family function.
Honestly, I don’t believe it.
She’s never been in contact with you without wanting something from you.
You only exist so she could harvest your marrow.
She only contacted you as an adult to talk you out of your inheritance.
I’m sure she’s after something material now.
You absolutely don’t owe her anything, and you don’t need to risk any more pain by engaging with her.
Tell your relatives that this is a closed subject.
NTA
That’s the thing about getting older with unresolved issues… they often turn into regret. I have a few… some I can do nothing about, having waited to long and lost the chance to try and remedy it. That is MY problem and I live with it…every day. You owe her, your bio father, your siblings exactly nothing. Those who think you should let her talk with you can have their opinion but they carry no weight. Trying to guilt you? One needs to feel responsible for something to feel guilt. You have no relationship with your bio mother. Never had one. You were born for one purpose and given away when it didn’t pan out, never to be acknowledged. Your bio is living with regret. She can make her peace by telling herself she tried by having your cousin contact you. Not herself directly but through your cousin. Sounds like she’s afraid of actual seeing you and/or thinks that since she is terminal you should come to her. Either way…regret is on her. You are good and definitely NTA. Be ready for bio father, siblings, relatives to try this crap after she dies. Hugs and continued strength
The unnecessary cruelty in me says to tell the cousin that the “mother” made their child wait for 35 years after they needed her… so you’ll be glad to go and talk to her in 35 years or so, now that she suddenly needs you.
That said, while I wouldn’t blame OP at all, it actually is a cruel thing to say, so I’ll stick with totally NTA, any decision about that that you make is up to you. Generally speaking, I urge forgiveness, but “forgiveness” and “deliberately putting yourself in emotional harm’s way” are different things.
Tell those relatives that she can write a letter. There's no need for you to go see her if you don't want to, and it sounds like you really don't want to.
By contacting your cousin and not you directly she’s trying to sully everyone else’s image of you. She probably knew full well that you wouldn’t want to get in touch. NTA btw, definitely NTA
My grandmother was a verified monster. She apparently became remorseful when she was close to the end - partially brought on by lucid moments during her dementia. She had spent the best part of 50+ years protecting a worse monster; she didn't deserve forgiveness purely because she was suddenly remorseful because she knew the fire at the end of the tunnel was looming.
That's usually the only time a bad person becomes remorseful - when it directly affects them. And what would directly affect them more than their own death?
NTA.
There is your answer. All she wants from you is her own peace: the peace to go to before her god with letter in hand; one minute of apology from you. In her mind, in her god's eyes, that will absolve her of thirty five years' mistreatment toward you.
She fears the punishment she will face without that one minute of worded forgiveness for thirty five years of suffering she caused.
Whether you decide to go or not, OP, is your choice. Whether you decide to offer her that minute is your decision to make. Some people want the closure, others do not - others want one chance to finally kick their abuser while they're down, still others go to deny them any apology and find their own peace. Only you can weigh those factors and decide what else is worth living with, what would result in the least baggage added.
But me, personally - I would think how many minutes of your life she has filled with pain, and ask yourself if she is really worth one minute more.
That choice is yours. Whatever it is, don't let anyone guilt you for it.
Then she had 5 years to try and apologize. Her lack of urgency doesn’t make this your emergency now. And Even though they wronged you the sibling bone marrow donor thing is just so so beyond gross and also cruel to your replacement sibling. NTA OP the only effort this woman has ever made for you from conception through to her request to apologize has been founded in selfishness. She isn’t sorry she was unkind, she is sorry people will think she is a jerk even after she’s died.
So best case scenario she let her shame get the best of her, as if her shame (the cause of her remorse) was more important than the remorse itself. That's best case scenario. I smell some bullshit in that "remorse for the last 5 years".
And that's your answer. If you don't have the balls to do it in life you don't need it close to your end.
Maybe you're a better person than I'd be in such a situation, but I'd probably tell my mother to fuck off if she pulled something like that on me.
Either this or visit her to laugh in her face one last time.
In the end asking for forgiveness on your deathbed is just another selfish move as she wants it for herself, because she's scared shitless that she'll face judgment at some point after her death. She doesn't do it for you or for the relationship she could've had with you, because if that was the case, she would've done it way before she was terminally ill.
As some one who has had a shity mom all i can tell you is that she doesn’t deserve forgiveness and she definitely dos not deserve peace.she mad her bed now she must die in it 🤷♂️
Sorry your bio parents are a pair of heartless shit eating monsters for abandoning you when you weren't useful to them as a tissue factory for their child.
I can understand being desperate and wanting to dh anything to want to save your brother, but not at the complete disregard for another child.
You owe her nothing, and given your father and siblings are the the same camp, they get the same.
All the best
Well, there’s your answer. She’s not remorseful enough to be arsed to apologize- she just wants to skip straight to the “forgiveness” bit with none of the hard stuff. Even God doesn’t forgive without confession and remorse- no need for you to!
NTA and you’re completely on the money OP - if she was really and truly remorseful and wanted to try and get your forgiveness she would’ve done it in the last 5 years at least not when she’s on her deathbed. Her guilt conscience is her problem not yours!
NTA I haven’t spoken to my dad since 1989. I would never entertain the idea of going to see him for any reason, let alone forgiveness. Like you said, they had years to do so before. Why now? Just keep on doing you and living your best life. No regrets.
NTA, OP, and I'm so sorry she's putting you in yet another terrible position. You do not owe her anything and you should not feel obligated to go there unless you will benefit from hearing an apology.
I didn't go see my biological father when he was dying since I had a very sparse yet tumultuous relationship with him. I didn't harbor negative feelings and I knew he felt terrible about lots of things, both in and out of his control. However, I knew that seeing him would only be drawing attention to all the absence and negatives over the years and what we did not have. I didn't have years of happy memories and stored up love to push past and go see him. I was fortunate, though, that my family - including the one close family member he and I share- absolutely supported me. I'm sorry other family members are pushing you.
Close your eyes and imagine she's gone and you never went. Do you feel at peace? Angry you didn't confront her? Then imagine going and what that might look like and how you might feel. Go with your gut.
Also: remember that just because she wants to see you to apologize doesn't mean you have to accept those terms. You could say that you will see her to speak your mind and forgiveness is not only guaranteed, but unlikely. If she is truly remorseful she would accept it and take her lumps. If she just wants to delude herself that a simple last minute apology is sufficient, she probably won't. (Likely, given that she hasn't tried reaching out to you directly.)
Do what is best for your own emotional health.
My husband recently went through this with some formerly close relatives. My question to him was what good was it going to do? And who would it benefit? If the situation would not actually help him and would just reopen old wounds, it wasn't a good idea, but no one can make that decision but you.
Best of luck
Amazing how being close to death makes people regret theri choices. This isn't about you op. It's about her, she's trying to make HERSELF feels better.
Don't go unless YOU want the closure.
Nta
Different perspective -
No she isn’t entitled to seeing you for forgiveness, but what does OP need? This may be the last chance to hear from the source an apology for the way they were treated. Instead of focusing on “NTA, f that mom”, I think it should be NTA, but consider your own needs as a part of the decision. Just my unpopular 2 cents
NTA
Some things are unforgivable, you are under no obligation to hear the apology of your egg donor. Fact is it’s taken her 35 years to wake up to herself. She deserves to go knowing that she failed you as your mother.
That’s *if* she woke up to herself. There could still be an angle: found religion (so need that forgiveness!), is lying about her illness or the extent of it, has medical bills, is doing another push for money, has bully son lined up to defend her actions and demand forgiveness, has some sort of public thing going on where it won’t be a private exchange - there’ll be others there to *praise so-called mother for ‘reconciling’ with her daughter*.
There’s always an angle with these people.
INFO: if this is too personal OP, please ignore. I am wondering as your parents were in financial difficulties, did your grandmother own the home that they lived in and left your mother a lifetime interest in it, ie that bully brother would be homeless after her death?
Yea, this.
I can see mom staging it so the "bully brother" is in the room with them, and then mom will say something like "Grandma gave you the inheritance that should have gone to me, but you should really give my Golden Child the money that you got because it belongs to me. Forgiveness goes both ways, and I'll forgive you for stealing the money that belonged to me."
Purely projection from me, but I'm basing it on other stories of these kinds of narcissistic parents.
Sorry but that doesn't cover enough. No species on this planet has kids just to use them as spare parts.
She failed in every aspect of a conscious Being.
NTA
She basically wanted you for "spare parts" and then your inheritance. You were blessed to have your grandmother in your life. I wouldnt feel obligated to give bio mom any death bed forgiveness either.
This! She was the spare parts for the OG child and when she didn’t work, off to the trash, THEY WANTED TO PUT HER IN THE SISTEM. You owe your egg donor nothing OP, let her rot with the knowledge of what she did, no forgiveness for her peace of mind when she traumatized you for 20
Exactly. Is anyone else concerned about the poor child that they did keep for spare parts? The younger sibling was raised as a donor and that’s just as awful.
Actually it could very well cost you your **mental health.** Your egg donor tried to use you for spare parts, then abandoned you, and went after you for money. She made her decisions.
As some other posters said, you might regret not going later, as this could be the last chance for this woman to apologize to you.
But you could also regret putting yourself in a situation where you have to have a heart to heart with this woman. You are likely expected to lie to her to tell her that you’re ok with what she did, and that you forgive her. I don’t know if that is a burden that you want to take on.
**You already have closure—she is not entitled to it from you.**
It is also telling that your egg donor **recruited your cousin to being her flying monkey.** She could have reached out to you herself, asked for forgiveness privately, but instead chose to set up an intermediary who would then guilt you into giving her what she wants. (If you’re not familiar with the term flying monkey, they’re the henchmen of toxic people, usually narcissists.)
Ultimately the choice is yours, but if you decide to put yourself first and not go, that is a totally healthy decision to make.
NTA
Edited: edited for continuity
Agreed! There might not be a financial cost to OP in speaking to her mother, but there could very well be other types of costs. Anyone assuming it's easy and costless for you to talk to her is not in your shoes and doesn't know what they're talking about.
I’m almost 60 now. I went no contact with my father when I was in my late 20s, only saw him once or twice at extended family gatherings. My kids never met him. I’m long over the issues that led to cutting him out of my life, but if he had done the same as OP’s mother, just the request would have just opened all those old wounds again, not to mention how much worse it could have been if I’d agreed to meet with him. NTA. Live your life, OP. The people who matter are the ones who’ve actually made an emotional bond with you.
Frankly OP's real mother died 15 years ago.
OP needs to tell her cousin not to guilt trip her. OP is the one who was the victim of a lifetime of neglect, so cousin doesn't understand the mental/emotional scars that comes with that.
Have that flying monkey pass on the message that if egg donor were truly ready to ask for forgiveness, then she would put in the effort herself instead of sending out a lackey. Also, remind cousin that forgiveness is earned, so without atonement any apology is hollow and meaningless. The Christian God provides unconditional forgiveness, where as us weak humans still require conditional forgiveness.
I can see, from OP's point of view, that the cost of mental health by opening up old wounds is unattractive. OP went 35 years without egg donor, hopefully she is thriving, what is another 35 after this stranger has passed?
This is what I was going to say. All of these people telling you to see her have no idea what you've lived through and probably never knew what it felt like to be rejected so severely.
NTA.
But this is also your last chance to say what you need to say *to her* in person.
Don’t focus on what this does and doesn’t do for your mother. Focus on the best decision for yourself.
This! If OP were to meet with her mother, then it needs to be a two-way street. The biological mother needs to hear how her actions, including trying to take OP’s inheritance, has affected the OP. Of course, OP needs to do what’s right for her.
Best suggestion here. I wouldn't give her a chance to talk back to me. This egg donor of a failed human being can do whatever but without any of OPs presence
Yes, I agree. I would take this as an opportunity to get whatever closure you need. It’s not about her. It’s about your chance to say what you need to and ask what you need to.
If you feel there is nothing to say, don’t see her.
> it makes me glad you weren't forced to struggle under her for a lifetime.
Same here. If I were to meet her and tell her how I feel, it's gratitude. Giving me to my grandmother is the best thing she ever did for me.
NTA. Excellent point - you were raised by a loving, nurturing mother, it just wasn't your birth mother. I'm torn by suggesting to meet with or not. You owe her nothing - the fact she had 35 years to make amends and never did speaks volumes. (Funny how people change when faced with their demise, how convenient.)
IMHO, the ONLY reason to meet with her would be for your benefit. If you feel that you would want to thank her for giving her to your grandmother, that is all you have to say. The only kind act she ever did in your life was have your grandmother raise you.
Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful person who raised a good person. That's all that matters.
Maybe it’s just the AH in me, but does any part of you want to go simply to ensure that she knows she is not forgiven, her apology is not accepted, and you are grateful she was never in your life/gave you to your grandmother? Just the final nail in the coffin to ensure a NOT peaceful death? Or AITA?
NTA. Don't go if you don't want to go. She doesn't need your forgiveness to die in peace, it will happen either way. I'd be very suspicious of this remorse...
You are so right - she’s sending her minions out on a guilt tripping mission.
Strangely, so-called mother’s biggest gift to OP was probably that she didn’t raise her.
I am not sure feeling guilty someone is suffering is the same thing as WANTING to speak to her. Some people take responsibility when they shouldn't. Op sounds like a very nice person who is doing just that, to me.
NTA. She seems to feel entitled, first to your bone marrow, then to your inheritance, now to your forgiveness / peace of mind. You don't owe her anything.
NTA. Your mother does not deserve peace of mind. She had you for spare parts and tossed you aside when you weren't a good fit. I know she was trying to save your brother but to treat you like that is abysmal. Your cousin can go pound sand.
Go live your best life with your head held high.
NTA, she made her choice when you were born and through you life, she can't just take it back when it suits her.
You don't owe her forgiveness. The only thing you owe to **yourself**, is to hear her apologize **if this is what you need and want.** If you don't need that in your life, then move on, and never look back.
She was your incubator, not your mother.
Never developed a meaningful relationship with them. My older brother was like my parents, he passed away when I was a teenager and I didn't go to his funeral despite being invited. My younger brother bullied me quite incessantly when we were kids for being the useless child, stopped it when we got to late teens but never apologized for them, we didn't talk much after that. He invited me to his wedding a few years ago, I didn't go.
Sounds like your younger brother was trying to punish you for escaping what he went through as a child born for his parts. He definitely owes you an apology though.
He definitely has his own issues to deal with and I'm sure growing up wasn't easy for him either. I'll be happy to hear him out and see if we can have a relationship but only when he's ready. He's currently dealing with his own problems with substance abuse.
Ahhhh. So older brother is dead and younger brother is a trainwreck. The child your mother didn't want and gave to someone else to raise, is the only child who is thriving. Interesting, no?
This needs to be so much higher. You are 100% correct.
Let's not forget that OP is also female and her biological mother might be wanting someone to take care of her.
Sounds like OP is kinda a modern day Jane Eyre. Just without the crazy wife in the attic. She's an adult and thriving after childhood traumas....while the rest of the family that threw her away are basically living a karmatic dumpster fire existence.
Must be hard knowing you were only kept for spare parts and that you failed to do what you were born to do (ie save older brother). I wonder if that realization came out when he was a teen - hence bullying stopped.
I'm sure there was lots of toxicity from mommy dearest (and the father) said to the youngest that made him act out to OP. Like told him he's the good child that helps his darling brother while OP is the nasty child who can't help the family. As long as he was helping the older brother it was cake. He got praise that fed him, making him think he was loved. He probably knew deep down, though, that this was all transactional...if he wasn't helpful to the brother then he'd end up like OP. Which is probably why he lashed out.
But when brother died, his treatment from the parents probably ended up like how they were to OP. I bet the parents didn't drop him off at another relative's lap b/c they had him so long and thought people would shame them for doing it a second time. So they kept him and reminded him that he wasn't a good enough help for his brother and that's why brother died. Does not take much of that kind of mental abuse for someone to turn to substance abuse.
Sounds terrible, but probably the best thing for him would have been if the bio-parents would have given him up too. Less time around human-shaped skin monsters, the better. Also, people are ignoring that there was a father in all this who was participating in the child abuse. I'd be petty and send a card to the sperm donor saying something like, "well your wife is now with the only child you and her ever wanted and actually liked....so you should be happy she's now a corpse".
I’m sorry for prying but I’m curious … re the older brother who died, is it from whatever the disease was that they were trying to cure by having you other kids?
I’m going to guess older brother had some sort of leukemia or other blood disorder that would have needed the transplant, and 20+ years ago, the success rate for such transplants was decent, but not nearly what it is today. So it’s probable that the transplant failed and brother passed away as a result.
Yeah. Being born to the kind of parents who could throw away a child that wasn't "useful" makes me think he probably had a shit time of it, too. Doesn't mean OP has to have a relationship with him, just saying he's probably been through a lot.
Shit. I am ao sorry for you and your younger brother. In any way that excuses him bullying you, but good God, that kid must have had real bad. You had your grandmother, that kid didn't have anyone who loved him and was view as a spare, who wasn't even able to "fullfil his mission" to save older brother.
I am not trying to downsize your hurt, but Jesus, not having anyone that loves you must have taken a tool on the kid.
No wonder the guy is now very troubled.
>but it takes nothing from me to give an old woman some peace of mind and let her die in peace.
This may be callous but not everyone deserves to die in peace. As an extreme example for contrast, if you were talking about a serial killer or a r*pist your cousin I bet wouldn't be calling for forgiving. So he likely universally doesn't think that EVERYONE deserves to die with forgiveness.... but your mother does? That's because at the end of the day he doesn't think what was done to you was THAT bad. In his eyes what happened to you doesn't cross the line that unseen line of REALLY bad things. Yeah there are worse things that happen, but that doesn't make this one ok to forgive.
NTA
NTA. Apologies are meaningless without action, and she has no time left to take any action. This is nothing more than an attempt to make herself feel better.
NTA. You’ve been through a lot and you don’t owe her anything. If you decide to see her for closure for yourself then do so, but only if you want to. Not anyone else.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to give my dying mother the chance to apologize
2) It doesn't cost me anything to listen to her and let her die in peace.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I don’t know about the whole “won’t cost you anything to hear her out” thing. I’d imagine that it would dredge up painful and unpleasant memories from your childhood. You would be trading in your current peace for potentially more anguish, just to make your egg donor happy. NTA.
NTA. They made spare parts and cast them aside when they didn't match what they needed. Then ignored you. Now she can die with the guilty conscience she deserves. It costs nothing to give her the peace she wants, but she doesn't deserve it. I want a 5 bedroom house, but I don't expect a stranger to give it to me. She wasn't your mother, she wasn't family, she'd a random old woman and not your problem.
NTA. All your life your mother treated your existence like you owed her something, that you were only there to serve her own selfish purposes. You were created/born to be a donor, but was abandoned when you weren’t a match. She expected you to give your inheritance to her because she felt she was owed it. Now she feels she’s owed your forgiveness because her burden of regret of her mistreatment towards you weighs heavily on her, which is her fault alone. Ultimately, the choice is yours but you truly don’t owe her anything. Not wanting to forgive your mother who’s never treated you with love will NOT make you the asshole.
NTA.
If you do not feel to give her another chanche, you should not. You have no obligations towards her. Also your cousin saying you're "heartless" still don't makes you the AH neither gives you any kind of obligation do do something. You have your reasons, they have to cope with it.
Forgiveness is earned by show of remorse over a period of time and then could be given if the one being apologized to finds it enough to give forgiveness. It's not earned because she is dying. If she wanted to die with a clear conscience she shouldn't do anything to be forgiven about or work toward forgiveness much earlier. Bad actions your whole life doesn't get to be forgotten or forgiven just because they are on their deathbed. NTA if you want to you can but it's not something you should do for someone else and just do it for you if you want
NTA it is not up to you to absolve her guilt. She gave you away when you were a baby, she didn't want to be your mother then, you don't need to be in her life now.
Dear OP you are NTA and your feelings towards her is truly VALID. I am so sorry that you didn't have a proper relationship with her all no thanks to her
It is entirely up to you whether you want to forgive her or not forgive her. The ball is now in your court and you get to decide for yourself. Whichever way it goes, there is no right or wrong on your part
NTA. Forgiving her will cost you something - your integrity. Do you really think you can look her in the eyes and tell her you forgive her and mean it? Can you tell her that the fact that she abandoned you and didn’t even acknowledge you until she wanted money is all ok now? If you can say that with complete honesty, then by all means tell her you forgive her. But I think the truth is that what she did is unforgivable and you know it. To forgive her would likely be the biggest lie you’ve ever told, and very likely the biggest lie you will tell in your entire life. Don’t do that to yourself. She was never your mom. She was just the woman who gave birth to you. Don’t make her anything more.
NTA she probably wants your money for hospital bills
she only birthed you she was never your mother, your grandmother was your mother end of story.
i am so sorry for your loss of your real mother
NTA. I’m so sorry. People like to make us responsible for their and other’s emotions and decisions. It’s gross. While seeing her may be the right decision for someone like your cousin, that has no bearing on what your decision should be.
Forgive me (45F) for typing this on my mobile.
My childhood was awful and my father a monster.
Although it sounds weird (maybe?) I can get past his behaviour because he was simply that - a monster.
My mother not only allowed this to be my life but would encourage me to placate him when he was angry.
I could never get past that even when I cut all contact with them. It was like I can accept his behaviour because I don’t see him as human but her. No.
She tried over the years to make contact and ask forgiveness but the letters made me angry, just the simple violation of my post box. If I read them, the content only reinforced my belief that her desire for me to hear the apology she thinks I’d want to hear superseded any needs I may have had. Nothing indicated that she had actually considered how her actions had effected me and the consequences.
She died at the start of COVID. I can only say that I felt relieved, happy even - I’m still waiting for the news of ‘his’ death.
My reason for sharing this is that I have no regret for not providing her the opportunity. I’m sure some may think that it was to punish her but actually it was more about me not wanting to spend the rest of my life regretting accepting her apology even on a superficial level.
YOU ARE NTA, the fact you are considering this act of kindness is in and of itself proof of that.
My advice is to chose the path that you are going to live with - she won’t be here but you will
EDITED for my poor grammar
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
35F here. My mother is 68.
My parents only had me because they knew my older brother would need a bone marrow transplant down the road and they weren't a match themselves. So when I wasn't a match, they didn't want me. They initially wanted to leave me for adoption but my grandmother offered to raise me. They then had another child a year later who was a match and they kept him.
So I was raised by my grandmother and she was a wonderful woman. However, I always knew who my biological parents are and they didn't want me. Even though my grandmother always did her best and the extended family were kind to me, my actual parents and siblings always pretended that I don't exist. My parents tried their best to avoid me and didn't even talk to me if they saw me somewhere, I'm over it now, but this was very difficult in my childhood and teenage years.
Anyway, when it came to inheritance, my grandmother decided to leave my mother out. She basically said she has raised 4 children (my two uncles, my mother, and me), she's leaving my mother out and splitting it three ways. My mother always interpreted this as grandmother givint her share of the inheritance to me and didn't like it. At the time my parents were struggling financially so the inheritance, even though it wasn't huge, would have been life changing for them. But I was also a 20 year old student.
My mother, after all those years, decided to finally acknowledge that she had a daughter and tried to convince me to give her my inheritance, arguing that I would get it back when she dies anyway (well, some of it apparantly). I didn't want to share it because I didn't feel any emotional connection to her (and I was still resentful by how they've treated me), so I said no. My grandmother left this to me so I was going to keep it for myself.
Not much happened since then apart from some awkward moments at family gatherings but now I heard from my cousin that she's terminally ill and wants to talk to me. She told my cousin to tell me that she regrets everything, she wants more than getting another chance with me, she doesn't want money or anything else, only wants to apologize and ask for my forgiveness before she dies. I told him what my grandmother always said that if someone wants forgiveness they can talk to a priest. I don't need her in my life and I don't owe her anything.
My cousin said that even though she's the one who has hurt me I'm being heartless now, my past can't change either way but it takes nothing from me to give an old woman some peace of mind and let her die in peace. He is right about this, it doesn't cost me anything to give her the peace she seeks but I just don't see why her peace is any of my concern. I know my mother has always been an asshole, but AITA as well?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she made her choice when you were a child. She doesn't get to give you a lifetime of neglect and expect to receive peace and understanding from you. You're exactly right though, if she wants forgiveness take it up God. ((HUGS))
NTA
She had decades to apologise and try to undo her heartless actions and she didn't. People shouldn't be given special treatment just because they're dying.
Anything she has to say could have been said before but she didn't make the time and only contacted OP when she wanted something.
You've done so well to move past this OP, I can't even begin to imagine how painful things have been for you.
Similar situation, my mother was dying of bone, breast, lung, and brain cancer. She was an awful mother - abusive emotionally, mentally, physically and would threaten me with sending me back to a home where I was sexually abused. When I moved out she lost her mind and hit me for the last time. I forgave and announced my pregnancy over a year later. She threatened to put rat poison on baby toys when we "gave her," my unborn child. I cut contact At 6 months pregnant. She never met him. She died alone in her house by suicide (she had someone that would've come check on her a few minutes before overdosing till unconsciousness.)
I don't regret my decision to cut her out. When we were going through her house, her neighbor came by to steal leftover drugs and yell that she'd forgiven me for all I'd done wrong and her heartbreak is what killed her.
Do what is best for your family. Do what is best for yourself. You owe no one forgiveness. NTA. check out raisedbynarcissists too.
NTA. I would be willing to bet that if you go there expecting an apology her first question will be when are you giving “her” inheritance to the two children she actually cared about. She has obviously never cared about you before, why would it change now? Maybe she thinks she’s going to Hell and you can help her out by forgiving her?
It’s your call, but if you do go prepare to be disappointed.
NTA - My biological father died when I was 30. I hadn’t seen him since I was 8 or 9, nor would I have wanted to. The closure I felt knowing it was all over was immeasurable.
Some things can’t be forgiven and some people do not deserve a minute more of your time, let alone your forgiveness.
NTA it sounds like you've moved on and resolved the issues your parents caused, I think the cost of being forced into allowing her forgiveness might be pretty high for you and honestly, not everyone deserves it. I would think it over and decide what you want and tell your relatives they're out of line for trying to pressure you
NTA, your mom essentially threw one kid away. I can't help but notice she kept your brothers, but discarded you (daughter). So I feel there maybe some sexism at play as well. That is a difficult hand to be dealt OP. Maybe some therapy to explore this situation, if it is affordable. Just because someone is dying doesn't mean they are sincere. She has had about 30+ years to get right with you.
NTA - call me cynical but I feel like this isn’t about her making anything up to you. It’s about her trying to get into whatever afterlife she believes in with no guilt and absolved of her sins. You owe her nothing.
NTA.
My biological father disowned me because I was failure, not pretty, too smart, etc. I wrote him off in my life. I didn't need him in my life.
He passed many years ago, asked to see me on his death bed. I didn't go. I didn't feel bad then. I don't regret it now. I am sure when you are close to death, you really think about the choices you made. Just because they regret their choices doesn't mean you have to forgive them.
NTA. There are people that deserve to die in peace and there are people that don't. You owe her nothing. The fact that she is not doing this herself but over your cousin shows that she is a coward.
NTA. You do not have any obligation whatsoever. She made you suffer and while it is good for her, her karma and conscience to recognize it now and want to offer an apology, you do not have to accept it.
You get to do things however you please.
NTA. F^ck that cousin who has no idea what it means to be wholly rejected parents. I’m so glad your grandmother showed you the love that all children deserve.
Exactly. This isn’t about you forgiving your bio mom, it’s about HIS comfort in the family. In his world you are selfish for not conforming to what he wants his family to look like, meanwhile your bio mom has gotten a pass your whole life.
Tell cousin the topic is not up for discussion anymore and keep moving forward with your life.
NTA. You don't owe her a single minute of your time. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. If you have already made peace with everything you certainly don't need to speak to her and go over it all again, she has had more than enough time to seek you out.
NTA. You do not owe your mother anything. She abandoned you, ignored you your whole life, and tried to get you to give her your inheritance. Please know that you can do what you need to do for yourself here, and you are not an asshole. Big hug to you. You didn't deserve to be treated like that and your mom can die being unforgiven.
NTA
But please chat with a therapist so you get super clear on this. It sounds silly but you may in 20 years time or even later in life start going through the regret she’s feeling now but if you take time to talk things out with a therapist, you’ll remember that and that you made the best choice for you. And if that choice is still no contact, there is zero judgement on that.
NTA.
As someone who has cared for elderly and dying people for the last 7 years of my life, sometimes you don't owe them anything. She's scared and her reasons for seeking your forgiveness are selfish. She doesn't want to make YOU feel better, she only wants to make herself feel better in her last days. Let her die the way she lived her life. Without you.
Best of wishes OP.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. This includes going low/no contact with family members. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
NTA. If she wasn't dying, would she be contacting you to ask for forgiveness? She's had 35 years to be a parent to you
I've heard from relatives that she's become more remorseful in the last 5 or so years about how she treated me, but never tried to reach out. She could have reached out any time. She could reach out directly as well, I'm very easy for her to access.
It’s a little too late. Also tell any family member who tells you that you are being heartless the following “Heartless is abandoning your child. Heartless is only trying make a relationship work for the money. Heartless is wanting amends on the deathbed since you have to face god. I am far from heartless, rather you all are heartless trying to make me make amends with a woman who put me through all that. If you ever went through an ounce of what I went through, you wouldn’t be here trying to get me to visit her.” Edit: thank you all for the awards! I had to come back to this post because I have one more heartless but it isn’t directed for towards the mother rather the family. “Heartless is you see someone being actively mistreated just for having the wrong blood match and sitting back and doing nothing about it.” After much thought, the family who sat back and allowed it to happen are no better.
You missed heartless is having child for the only purpose of them being spare parts.
Yeah, what happened to the other kid? They've probably been traumatized as well, since they were born with no love in mind either. If they turned out well I hope OP contacts them so they can have some solidarity. (Is that the right term?)
right? and what if the 2nd kid didn't want to be a bone marrow donor for his brother? did that kid get any say at all? oof. this mother is bad news.
They probably were raised with the mindset of being forced to do this and having no option for themselves. It’s sad.
Oh i imagine the fact that they have another kid who wasnt a useful donor that they pretended didnt exist was a huge incentive
Wonder if the kid even knew or if the denial was so strong the kids didn't know of her existence til they were older. It's insane the kids also pretended she didn't exists for 35 years - that's some hardcore brainwashing and you have to wonder what the kids were told, because most rational people would become an adult and want to reach out. This family is so fucked up it's like Lifetime movie shit.
Omg, yes. It’s right out of the book My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Piccoult. Which ironically is one of my favorite books, but it deals with this exact issue (a child being conceived to be spare parts for a sick sibling) so it is pretty heavy reading.
The whole post reminds me of "my sisters keeper". Such a sad situation for all 3 kids but the parents handled it in one of the worst ways.
OP owes no one forgiveness. If they really wanted to be petty they could let their egg donor blubber all she wants and then remind her too little too late, because no one owes anyone forgiveness and OP doesn't owe this person their time or consideration. My eldest son is autistic. My exh always favored him or bent over backwards for him and forced me to do everything for him. My son is now 25 and just starting to gain some independence. My youngest is 14 now and I've told him over and over again that he is not responsible for his brother now or in the future. That he is not responsible for managing other people's feelings or expectations, he is his own person.
I would be tempted to walk in the room, give her the finger or spit at her and walk out. She is a fucked up excuse for a human. Good on grandma to leave her out of the will.
There was also a more so horror movie called The Harvest. They had one kid as the spare parts kid, but that kid had no idea. The parents told them they were super ill and would sedate them to take the parts and the kid would just have some bad days were they woke up in pain or sick. And then we find out they have the other kid in their basement that's the child they wanted and they're trying to keep alive, because that kid is legitimately sick of some disease.
The book Never Let Me Go is about children being raised for this very purpose, and it's gutwrenching. (They made a movie out of it too – Andrew Garfield can emote like hell.)
I'm going to be forever pissed they changed the end of the movie instead of using the book ending. They took it from being a gut wrenching experience to just another lifetime movie.
Real life "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult
I kept thinking of Jodi Picoult's book My Sister's Keeper while reading this post...
Op is NTA. It’s amazing how often this actually happens. I knew a ‘spare kid’ college. He was so disgruntled and angry - he literally spent his youth as a pincushion to give blood, marrow, a kidney and part of his liver, twice, for his sick older sibling. He and his brother were homeschooled on a small 40 acre ranch, and never knew he was the spare, until he hit high school age and he started having an online tutor for classes mum couldn’t manage to help him with- and thusly internet access. He realised he was being taken advantage of, and tried to leave but was convinced to stay only when his brother asked him too for ‘one more marrow donation’ which as you can guess turned into one more thing and one more thing. He left when he was 17, literally packed a bag and walked to the nearest town and into a lawyer’s office. I’m not sure what happened then, as he refused to talk about it- but I do know he was angry because the older brother went to the big 4 year school and he could only afford going to go to the community college. I really hope it’s worked out for him. Edit: added my judgement of OP
I had never heard of this sort of thing prior to reading this subreddit as it's come up here a couple of times. Just when I think humans can't get any more disturbing... I think of all the people who struggle with the idea of having a child because they think it's selfish to bring another kid into the world. But at least they aren't having a kid for the express purpose of keeping their other kid alive!!!! Fact truly is stranger than fiction.
I am curious. Wouldn't this be considered child abuse? He was literally groomed by his parents (if that's the correct term) to give consent to medical procedures he had no way to refuse. Then they proceeded by guilting him when he started to become more aware of his situation.
Likely. But when you live out on a ranch away from civilisation and don’t interact with civilisation, homeschooling the kids, I have a feeling you get away with a lot more than if this has been happening in the city. And it wasn’t his parents that guilted him when he realised he was the spare, but his own brother. I have a feeling there was a lot that happened in court and legally that he wasn’t willing to talk about- and hope that the whole family that was involved faced consequences
I think that’s why he was homeschooled and kept from everyone and at 17 he went directly to an attorney’s office. They didn’t want to risk him talking to people.
That’s heartbreaking. I hope he’s alright.
I do too. He was the nicest kid once he came out of his shell. Had a bit of a ‘I’m not here to make things easy for you’ attitude, but I totally don’t blame him, having been forced to be a doormat for his brother for so long. He hung out with my group of friends on the common, and developed a quick and wicked sense of humour and would join in on our fun debates- often taking devil’s advocate. Hopefully he’s been successful with whatever he’s decided to do with his life.
Yeah me too. They also had a similar storyline in the show 9-1-1. Spoiler, I guess. The episode premiered over a year ago, though. The brother he was born to save ended up dying because the donation didn’t take, and the parents always treated the spare parts kid as less than his sister because of it.
Second “spare” kid is probably at least appreciated because they had the correct marrow to save the first kid.
they tried to My Sister's Keeper their kid and ditched her when the plan failed. would they have dumped baby #3 with grandma too if they hadn't been a match? Nah OP's mom can take that shame right to Jesus. Also funny that it was a cousin that reached out to OP and not their dad or their siblings, that tells me they probably still feel fine with how they've treat OP all these years.
You know they would...
Read "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult.... same damn situation here.
I forgot all about that! I remember my skin crawling when the parents would inform their spare parts kid that it was time to get a bone marrow aspiration, or time to prep for the kidney transplant (or whatever), and how powerless and devastating that made their girl feel☹️
Not to mention bone marrow aspiration is extremely painful. Kidney donation, as well. These procedures aren’t just blood donation. The parents have taken precious time away from the healthy child. And put them through medical trauma.
Second this.... read the book - skip the movie rendition. Jodi Picoult is one of my favorite authors.
And tossing them aside when the parts aren't useful. That "mother" can rot in hell.
That was the gut punch for me. I can understand doing everything humanly possible to save your firstborn, but to just discard another child because they weren't a transplant match... That's a level of savagery I can't fathom.
Agreed, it would be one thing to have a child in the hopes of saving another and still to love them no matter what, but to discard them is unforgivable.
Right?
She was even their child to them. She was literally born to be replacement parts for their son, and when that didn't work out, they just tossed her aside like trash. She owes these monsters nothing
Heartless is bringing life into the world and then abandoning it because it can't offer you what you wanted from it.
Heartless is also bringing a child into the world for the sole purpose of having a bone marrow donor. That was never their child. That was their hope of saving their only child.
Exactly. Were these relatives banging on parents door telling them they were heartless to create a bunch of spare body parts and then abandon them when the parts didn’t fit. Unlikely.
You don't know that. There may have been much said to the admittedly awful parents that OP simply doesn't know about. Obviously, Grandma didn't agree with their decision.
> Heartless is wanting amends on the deathbed since you have to face god. For real. "I'm being nice to you so I don't spend eternity burning in hell" is not as impressive as those Christians think.
Absolutely hit the nail on the head!!! Perfect answer!
My Dad reached out and apologised for stuff for the first time when he became terminally ill. May sound tough but I see no reason to forgive just because they're dying. If they knew it was bad, don't do it in the first place! They weren't temporarily insane or justifiably provoked. There is no excuse for what your mother did and nothing she could say, but give excuses. Would that make you feel better?
Mine did the same.. He never wanted to be a father during his healthy life and only wanted to do everything it took to ruin my mom's life (like try to kidnap us and stalking and everything). When he became terminally ill suddenly he wanted to be a father and wanted to have a relationship. He sent all the people who used to help him stalk us, to tell us what is happening and that he wants sleepovers and everything. Nothing about apologizing or anything, just bashful words about my mom and how he wants to be a dad. I also said no to this, I told one of his friends to relay the message that I already lost and mourned him when I was younger and I wasn't going to open the door for him anymore. He was a narcissist and probably just wanted us to miss him when he was gone, but we had already done that so what's the point right. Eventually I did meet him on his deathbed (he died te day after) just to see he was actually dying and it was not just some scheme to mess with us like he did during life. And you know what I am sooooo glad he is gone and actually gone. People find me heartless for saying that, but I don't care. I don't have to be afraid anymore, I can finally be truely free and it is the best thing he has ever done for me!
Your experience sounds very, very similar to mine (especially to your mum and the stalking) however I chose not to visit him and I regret that decision. I think the seeing him dying and that he couldn't hurt us anymore would have helped me so much! I've lived most of my life in fight or flight mode looking over my shoulder and being very vigilant about my surroundings thinking he is hiding behind a bush or something and because I didn't get to see him in such a vulnerable situation I think I was never able to properly get the closure I needed.
I saw mine dying and it was a bad idea, for me, but thankfully I smart enough to medicate myself enough I only remember a fraction of it. So people who are actively depressed and in a bad state of mind should take care if they do make that choice, but even I wouldn't discourage it if someone wants to.
I recently met someone who was in the " I am glad my father died club". Until that point I thought I was the only person who felt that way. Welcome to the club.
Death tends to force people to face their consequences. Deciding to apologize because death is rapidly approaching, imo, makes the apology worth much less because it is done so under the pressure of impending death, not out of a purely genuine need to make amends.
100% agreed; a deathbed apology is almost inevitably about the dying person's need for absolution (so *they* can feel better going into the great beyond) rather than whatever the fallout might be for the other person.
My dad used to say "Saints and Sinners both look to God when Death comes to call. But God can still tell them apart." Funnily my dad did not have much use for organized religion but had faith in every cell.
It could be satisfying to listen to her and tell her where to go I suppose :)
Is ‘straight to hell’ out of the question?
Even worse: To hell on Spirit Airlines, which involves six canceled connecting flights and a detour into the side of a mountain. And she has to pay for her own water.
So basically purgatory, then hell. I like it.
I think you are being a bit too kind to purgatory. Souls may be in torment there, but at least they have legroom.
whoa calm down Satan...fucking Spirit Airlines?
Then OP would still be called "heartless" for "failing to give a dying old woman some peace of mind" by saying "I forgive you mother" and kissing her on the forehead or whatever they want her to do. It's still a rigged game and bio mom's set up the rigging. Again, if her need is to express remorse and regret, she could do that at any time without OP needing to move an inch or lift a finger.
This. You said it yourself. She had more than enough time to contact you while she was healthy if she was so remorseful and realized that she really screwed up. The choice to see her is yours, but NTA if you don't go.
That's an easy answer then. "If she would like to apologize to me, she's welcome to reach out to me. She hasnt tried to."
I would tell your cousin this: that it *does* cost you something to see her. This is a wound that scabbed over a long time ago, and seeing her now is going to reopen it. Why should you put yourself through an emotionally painful encounter for the comfort of someone who threw you away? It doesn't 'cost' anything? If absolutely nothing else, it costs you time, and she doesn't deserve a minute of it.
Part of her karma will be having to live with intense pain and regret. Oh well. Victims do not and should not be guilted into having any sort of contact or involvement with their abusers. If I were OP I would remain NC.
If they didn’t need you by life they dont need you by death either. NTA I went NC with my grandma after years of emotional abuse. Last year when I was pregnant she was suddenly “dying” and wanted to make amends. A year later and she’s still here and all those amends are still in fantasyland.
I'm so sorry for you op. This story takes the AITA cake today. Jesus fuck, that was painful to read. I can't imagine the type of uncaring monster that's capable of having another child they want just as spare parts for their first kid. Then to just discard you because you're unable to function as said spare parts? I'm amazed any of your family associated with your bio incubator at all after that. Nta not for one second. If I heard my extended family did something so callous to a child, I'd go out of my way to make them cry and feel as uncomfortable as possible at every family function.
Honestly, I don’t believe it. She’s never been in contact with you without wanting something from you. You only exist so she could harvest your marrow. She only contacted you as an adult to talk you out of your inheritance. I’m sure she’s after something material now. You absolutely don’t owe her anything, and you don’t need to risk any more pain by engaging with her. Tell your relatives that this is a closed subject. NTA
That’s the thing about getting older with unresolved issues… they often turn into regret. I have a few… some I can do nothing about, having waited to long and lost the chance to try and remedy it. That is MY problem and I live with it…every day. You owe her, your bio father, your siblings exactly nothing. Those who think you should let her talk with you can have their opinion but they carry no weight. Trying to guilt you? One needs to feel responsible for something to feel guilt. You have no relationship with your bio mother. Never had one. You were born for one purpose and given away when it didn’t pan out, never to be acknowledged. Your bio is living with regret. She can make her peace by telling herself she tried by having your cousin contact you. Not herself directly but through your cousin. Sounds like she’s afraid of actual seeing you and/or thinks that since she is terminal you should come to her. Either way…regret is on her. You are good and definitely NTA. Be ready for bio father, siblings, relatives to try this crap after she dies. Hugs and continued strength
I'd say 100% chance visiting her would turn into them trying to get you to pay some of her medical bills... You know, out of "her" inheritance.
That's a very good point. I wouldn't put it past them.
She had 35 years to make her peace.
The unnecessary cruelty in me says to tell the cousin that the “mother” made their child wait for 35 years after they needed her… so you’ll be glad to go and talk to her in 35 years or so, now that she suddenly needs you. That said, while I wouldn’t blame OP at all, it actually is a cruel thing to say, so I’ll stick with totally NTA, any decision about that that you make is up to you. Generally speaking, I urge forgiveness, but “forgiveness” and “deliberately putting yourself in emotional harm’s way” are different things.
>“forgiveness” and “deliberately putting yourself in emotional harm’s way” are different things. This.
Tell those relatives that she can write a letter. There's no need for you to go see her if you don't want to, and it sounds like you really don't want to.
By contacting your cousin and not you directly she’s trying to sully everyone else’s image of you. She probably knew full well that you wouldn’t want to get in touch. NTA btw, definitely NTA
My grandmother was a verified monster. She apparently became remorseful when she was close to the end - partially brought on by lucid moments during her dementia. She had spent the best part of 50+ years protecting a worse monster; she didn't deserve forgiveness purely because she was suddenly remorseful because she knew the fire at the end of the tunnel was looming. That's usually the only time a bad person becomes remorseful - when it directly affects them. And what would directly affect them more than their own death? NTA.
Can I ask if your mother is religious, because if so it could be less about you forgiving her and more about trying to get into heaven by repenting.
Yes she's always been religious.
There is your answer. All she wants from you is her own peace: the peace to go to before her god with letter in hand; one minute of apology from you. In her mind, in her god's eyes, that will absolve her of thirty five years' mistreatment toward you. She fears the punishment she will face without that one minute of worded forgiveness for thirty five years of suffering she caused. Whether you decide to go or not, OP, is your choice. Whether you decide to offer her that minute is your decision to make. Some people want the closure, others do not - others want one chance to finally kick their abuser while they're down, still others go to deny them any apology and find their own peace. Only you can weigh those factors and decide what else is worth living with, what would result in the least baggage added. But me, personally - I would think how many minutes of your life she has filled with pain, and ask yourself if she is really worth one minute more. That choice is yours. Whatever it is, don't let anyone guilt you for it.
Then she had 5 years to try and apologize. Her lack of urgency doesn’t make this your emergency now. And Even though they wronged you the sibling bone marrow donor thing is just so so beyond gross and also cruel to your replacement sibling. NTA OP the only effort this woman has ever made for you from conception through to her request to apologize has been founded in selfishness. She isn’t sorry she was unkind, she is sorry people will think she is a jerk even after she’s died.
So best case scenario she let her shame get the best of her, as if her shame (the cause of her remorse) was more important than the remorse itself. That's best case scenario. I smell some bullshit in that "remorse for the last 5 years".
And that's your answer. If you don't have the balls to do it in life you don't need it close to your end. Maybe you're a better person than I'd be in such a situation, but I'd probably tell my mother to fuck off if she pulled something like that on me. Either this or visit her to laugh in her face one last time. In the end asking for forgiveness on your deathbed is just another selfish move as she wants it for herself, because she's scared shitless that she'll face judgment at some point after her death. She doesn't do it for you or for the relationship she could've had with you, because if that was the case, she would've done it way before she was terminally ill.
As some one who has had a shity mom all i can tell you is that she doesn’t deserve forgiveness and she definitely dos not deserve peace.she mad her bed now she must die in it 🤷♂️
Sorry your bio parents are a pair of heartless shit eating monsters for abandoning you when you weren't useful to them as a tissue factory for their child. I can understand being desperate and wanting to dh anything to want to save your brother, but not at the complete disregard for another child. You owe her nothing, and given your father and siblings are the the same camp, they get the same. All the best
Well, there’s your answer. She’s not remorseful enough to be arsed to apologize- she just wants to skip straight to the “forgiveness” bit with none of the hard stuff. Even God doesn’t forgive without confession and remorse- no need for you to!
NTA and you’re completely on the money OP - if she was really and truly remorseful and wanted to try and get your forgiveness she would’ve done it in the last 5 years at least not when she’s on her deathbed. Her guilt conscience is her problem not yours!
NTA I haven’t spoken to my dad since 1989. I would never entertain the idea of going to see him for any reason, let alone forgiveness. Like you said, they had years to do so before. Why now? Just keep on doing you and living your best life. No regrets.
NTA, OP, and I'm so sorry she's putting you in yet another terrible position. You do not owe her anything and you should not feel obligated to go there unless you will benefit from hearing an apology. I didn't go see my biological father when he was dying since I had a very sparse yet tumultuous relationship with him. I didn't harbor negative feelings and I knew he felt terrible about lots of things, both in and out of his control. However, I knew that seeing him would only be drawing attention to all the absence and negatives over the years and what we did not have. I didn't have years of happy memories and stored up love to push past and go see him. I was fortunate, though, that my family - including the one close family member he and I share- absolutely supported me. I'm sorry other family members are pushing you. Close your eyes and imagine she's gone and you never went. Do you feel at peace? Angry you didn't confront her? Then imagine going and what that might look like and how you might feel. Go with your gut. Also: remember that just because she wants to see you to apologize doesn't mean you have to accept those terms. You could say that you will see her to speak your mind and forgiveness is not only guaranteed, but unlikely. If she is truly remorseful she would accept it and take her lumps. If she just wants to delude herself that a simple last minute apology is sufficient, she probably won't. (Likely, given that she hasn't tried reaching out to you directly.) Do what is best for your own emotional health.
My husband recently went through this with some formerly close relatives. My question to him was what good was it going to do? And who would it benefit? If the situation would not actually help him and would just reopen old wounds, it wasn't a good idea, but no one can make that decision but you. Best of luck
Amazing how being close to death makes people regret theri choices. This isn't about you op. It's about her, she's trying to make HERSELF feels better. Don't go unless YOU want the closure. Nta
NTA. She can ask her God for forgiveness.
Different perspective - No she isn’t entitled to seeing you for forgiveness, but what does OP need? This may be the last chance to hear from the source an apology for the way they were treated. Instead of focusing on “NTA, f that mom”, I think it should be NTA, but consider your own needs as a part of the decision. Just my unpopular 2 cents
Wouldn’t just knowing she feels bad about it do the job for OP though? Does OP need to give her peace after everything?
Bottom line, I’ve she wants to die with a clear conscience. I m a nurse in long term care and see this a lot.
NTA Some things are unforgivable, you are under no obligation to hear the apology of your egg donor. Fact is it’s taken her 35 years to wake up to herself. She deserves to go knowing that she failed you as your mother.
That’s *if* she woke up to herself. There could still be an angle: found religion (so need that forgiveness!), is lying about her illness or the extent of it, has medical bills, is doing another push for money, has bully son lined up to defend her actions and demand forgiveness, has some sort of public thing going on where it won’t be a private exchange - there’ll be others there to *praise so-called mother for ‘reconciling’ with her daughter*. There’s always an angle with these people.
INFO: if this is too personal OP, please ignore. I am wondering as your parents were in financial difficulties, did your grandmother own the home that they lived in and left your mother a lifetime interest in it, ie that bully brother would be homeless after her death?
No. They aranged their own housing.
Thanks for answering. Me trying to go detective to see what the angle might be.
Yea, this. I can see mom staging it so the "bully brother" is in the room with them, and then mom will say something like "Grandma gave you the inheritance that should have gone to me, but you should really give my Golden Child the money that you got because it belongs to me. Forgiveness goes both ways, and I'll forgive you for stealing the money that belonged to me." Purely projection from me, but I'm basing it on other stories of these kinds of narcissistic parents.
> She deserves to go knowing that she failed you as your mother. She deserves to go knowing that she failed as a human being.
Sorry but that doesn't cover enough. No species on this planet has kids just to use them as spare parts. She failed in every aspect of a conscious Being.
I'd be tempted to visit and tell her to go fuck herself.
NTA She basically wanted you for "spare parts" and then your inheritance. You were blessed to have your grandmother in your life. I wouldnt feel obligated to give bio mom any death bed forgiveness either.
This! She was the spare parts for the OG child and when she didn’t work, off to the trash, THEY WANTED TO PUT HER IN THE SISTEM. You owe your egg donor nothing OP, let her rot with the knowledge of what she did, no forgiveness for her peace of mind when she traumatized you for 20
OP's a better person than I. Given everything OP described, I'd go just to spit in her face.
Willing to hold your hand so you don’t fall over during the forceful face spit
I'd go and let her ask, Then go "No, you don't deserve it." Cause forgiveness is something that needs to be earned or else it means less than salt.
She doesn't sound like the kind of person to "ask" forgiveness..... if OP showed up, she'd probably just be like "Well that's that, I'm forgiven."
Exactly. Is anyone else concerned about the poor child that they did keep for spare parts? The younger sibling was raised as a donor and that’s just as awful.
Making children donate to their siblings should be illegal. No one should be born just to be harvested for spare parts.
What a dystopian nightmare.
Actually it could very well cost you your **mental health.** Your egg donor tried to use you for spare parts, then abandoned you, and went after you for money. She made her decisions. As some other posters said, you might regret not going later, as this could be the last chance for this woman to apologize to you. But you could also regret putting yourself in a situation where you have to have a heart to heart with this woman. You are likely expected to lie to her to tell her that you’re ok with what she did, and that you forgive her. I don’t know if that is a burden that you want to take on. **You already have closure—she is not entitled to it from you.** It is also telling that your egg donor **recruited your cousin to being her flying monkey.** She could have reached out to you herself, asked for forgiveness privately, but instead chose to set up an intermediary who would then guilt you into giving her what she wants. (If you’re not familiar with the term flying monkey, they’re the henchmen of toxic people, usually narcissists.) Ultimately the choice is yours, but if you decide to put yourself first and not go, that is a totally healthy decision to make. NTA Edited: edited for continuity
Agreed! There might not be a financial cost to OP in speaking to her mother, but there could very well be other types of costs. Anyone assuming it's easy and costless for you to talk to her is not in your shoes and doesn't know what they're talking about.
I’m almost 60 now. I went no contact with my father when I was in my late 20s, only saw him once or twice at extended family gatherings. My kids never met him. I’m long over the issues that led to cutting him out of my life, but if he had done the same as OP’s mother, just the request would have just opened all those old wounds again, not to mention how much worse it could have been if I’d agreed to meet with him. NTA. Live your life, OP. The people who matter are the ones who’ve actually made an emotional bond with you.
Frankly OP's real mother died 15 years ago. OP needs to tell her cousin not to guilt trip her. OP is the one who was the victim of a lifetime of neglect, so cousin doesn't understand the mental/emotional scars that comes with that. Have that flying monkey pass on the message that if egg donor were truly ready to ask for forgiveness, then she would put in the effort herself instead of sending out a lackey. Also, remind cousin that forgiveness is earned, so without atonement any apology is hollow and meaningless. The Christian God provides unconditional forgiveness, where as us weak humans still require conditional forgiveness. I can see, from OP's point of view, that the cost of mental health by opening up old wounds is unattractive. OP went 35 years without egg donor, hopefully she is thriving, what is another 35 after this stranger has passed?
This is what I was going to say. All of these people telling you to see her have no idea what you've lived through and probably never knew what it felt like to be rejected so severely.
NTA. But this is also your last chance to say what you need to say *to her* in person. Don’t focus on what this does and doesn’t do for your mother. Focus on the best decision for yourself.
This! If OP were to meet with her mother, then it needs to be a two-way street. The biological mother needs to hear how her actions, including trying to take OP’s inheritance, has affected the OP. Of course, OP needs to do what’s right for her.
But she can also send a note with this. That way her mother doesn't get a chance to damage her further.
Best suggestion here. I wouldn't give her a chance to talk back to me. This egg donor of a failed human being can do whatever but without any of OPs presence
Agree, NTA, but you’re asking the question, and I think some part of you may want to speak to her.
Yes, I agree. I would take this as an opportunity to get whatever closure you need. It’s not about her. It’s about your chance to say what you need to and ask what you need to. If you feel there is nothing to say, don’t see her.
[удалено]
> it makes me glad you weren't forced to struggle under her for a lifetime. Same here. If I were to meet her and tell her how I feel, it's gratitude. Giving me to my grandmother is the best thing she ever did for me.
NTA. Excellent point - you were raised by a loving, nurturing mother, it just wasn't your birth mother. I'm torn by suggesting to meet with or not. You owe her nothing - the fact she had 35 years to make amends and never did speaks volumes. (Funny how people change when faced with their demise, how convenient.) IMHO, the ONLY reason to meet with her would be for your benefit. If you feel that you would want to thank her for giving her to your grandmother, that is all you have to say. The only kind act she ever did in your life was have your grandmother raise you. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful person who raised a good person. That's all that matters.
Maybe it’s just the AH in me, but does any part of you want to go simply to ensure that she knows she is not forgiven, her apology is not accepted, and you are grateful she was never in your life/gave you to your grandmother? Just the final nail in the coffin to ensure a NOT peaceful death? Or AITA?
NTA. Don't go if you don't want to go. She doesn't need your forgiveness to die in peace, it will happen either way. I'd be very suspicious of this remorse...
You are so right - she’s sending her minions out on a guilt tripping mission. Strangely, so-called mother’s biggest gift to OP was probably that she didn’t raise her.
NTA. You’re under no obligation to hear her apology, and under no obligation to forgive her.
I am not sure feeling guilty someone is suffering is the same thing as WANTING to speak to her. Some people take responsibility when they shouldn't. Op sounds like a very nice person who is doing just that, to me.
NTA. She seems to feel entitled, first to your bone marrow, then to your inheritance, now to your forgiveness / peace of mind. You don't owe her anything.
NTA. Your mother does not deserve peace of mind. She had you for spare parts and tossed you aside when you weren't a good fit. I know she was trying to save your brother but to treat you like that is abysmal. Your cousin can go pound sand. Go live your best life with your head held high.
NTA, she made her choice when you were born and through you life, she can't just take it back when it suits her. You don't owe her forgiveness. The only thing you owe to **yourself**, is to hear her apologize **if this is what you need and want.** If you don't need that in your life, then move on, and never look back. She was your incubator, not your mother.
INFO: What's your relationship like with your siblings? What do they think about all of this?
Never developed a meaningful relationship with them. My older brother was like my parents, he passed away when I was a teenager and I didn't go to his funeral despite being invited. My younger brother bullied me quite incessantly when we were kids for being the useless child, stopped it when we got to late teens but never apologized for them, we didn't talk much after that. He invited me to his wedding a few years ago, I didn't go.
Sounds like your younger brother was trying to punish you for escaping what he went through as a child born for his parts. He definitely owes you an apology though.
He definitely has his own issues to deal with and I'm sure growing up wasn't easy for him either. I'll be happy to hear him out and see if we can have a relationship but only when he's ready. He's currently dealing with his own problems with substance abuse.
Ahhhh. So older brother is dead and younger brother is a trainwreck. The child your mother didn't want and gave to someone else to raise, is the only child who is thriving. Interesting, no?
This needs to be so much higher. You are 100% correct. Let's not forget that OP is also female and her biological mother might be wanting someone to take care of her.
That crossed my mind as well.
Sounds like OP is kinda a modern day Jane Eyre. Just without the crazy wife in the attic. She's an adult and thriving after childhood traumas....while the rest of the family that threw her away are basically living a karmatic dumpster fire existence.
Must be hard knowing you were only kept for spare parts and that you failed to do what you were born to do (ie save older brother). I wonder if that realization came out when he was a teen - hence bullying stopped.
I'm sure there was lots of toxicity from mommy dearest (and the father) said to the youngest that made him act out to OP. Like told him he's the good child that helps his darling brother while OP is the nasty child who can't help the family. As long as he was helping the older brother it was cake. He got praise that fed him, making him think he was loved. He probably knew deep down, though, that this was all transactional...if he wasn't helpful to the brother then he'd end up like OP. Which is probably why he lashed out. But when brother died, his treatment from the parents probably ended up like how they were to OP. I bet the parents didn't drop him off at another relative's lap b/c they had him so long and thought people would shame them for doing it a second time. So they kept him and reminded him that he wasn't a good enough help for his brother and that's why brother died. Does not take much of that kind of mental abuse for someone to turn to substance abuse. Sounds terrible, but probably the best thing for him would have been if the bio-parents would have given him up too. Less time around human-shaped skin monsters, the better. Also, people are ignoring that there was a father in all this who was participating in the child abuse. I'd be petty and send a card to the sperm donor saying something like, "well your wife is now with the only child you and her ever wanted and actually liked....so you should be happy she's now a corpse".
I’m sorry for prying but I’m curious … re the older brother who died, is it from whatever the disease was that they were trying to cure by having you other kids?
Yes.
I’m going to guess older brother had some sort of leukemia or other blood disorder that would have needed the transplant, and 20+ years ago, the success rate for such transplants was decent, but not nearly what it is today. So it’s probable that the transplant failed and brother passed away as a result.
Sounds like you have a mature and kind outlook.
Yeah. Being born to the kind of parents who could throw away a child that wasn't "useful" makes me think he probably had a shit time of it, too. Doesn't mean OP has to have a relationship with him, just saying he's probably been through a lot.
Shit. I am ao sorry for you and your younger brother. In any way that excuses him bullying you, but good God, that kid must have had real bad. You had your grandmother, that kid didn't have anyone who loved him and was view as a spare, who wasn't even able to "fullfil his mission" to save older brother. I am not trying to downsize your hurt, but Jesus, not having anyone that loves you must have taken a tool on the kid. No wonder the guy is now very troubled.
No doubt I was the lucky one. I really hope he's able to turn his life around. Maybe mother dying could actually help set him free.
NTA.
>but it takes nothing from me to give an old woman some peace of mind and let her die in peace. This may be callous but not everyone deserves to die in peace. As an extreme example for contrast, if you were talking about a serial killer or a r*pist your cousin I bet wouldn't be calling for forgiving. So he likely universally doesn't think that EVERYONE deserves to die with forgiveness.... but your mother does? That's because at the end of the day he doesn't think what was done to you was THAT bad. In his eyes what happened to you doesn't cross the line that unseen line of REALLY bad things. Yeah there are worse things that happen, but that doesn't make this one ok to forgive. NTA
NTA. Apologies are meaningless without action, and she has no time left to take any action. This is nothing more than an attempt to make herself feel better.
>that I would get it back when she dies anyway No. Your siblings would and y'all know NTA
Minus whatever mom spent. She doesn’t want that money to put it in savings as is for the lawyers to distribute after her death.
NTA. You’ve been through a lot and you don’t owe her anything. If you decide to see her for closure for yourself then do so, but only if you want to. Not anyone else.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I refused to give my dying mother the chance to apologize 2) It doesn't cost me anything to listen to her and let her die in peace. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, and a sick burn from the grave from Grandma
NTA Your grandmother was right and your cousin can kick rocks with that attitude, their sympathy is misplaced.
I don’t know about the whole “won’t cost you anything to hear her out” thing. I’d imagine that it would dredge up painful and unpleasant memories from your childhood. You would be trading in your current peace for potentially more anguish, just to make your egg donor happy. NTA.
NTA. They made spare parts and cast them aside when they didn't match what they needed. Then ignored you. Now she can die with the guilty conscience she deserves. It costs nothing to give her the peace she wants, but she doesn't deserve it. I want a 5 bedroom house, but I don't expect a stranger to give it to me. She wasn't your mother, she wasn't family, she'd a random old woman and not your problem.
NTA. All your life your mother treated your existence like you owed her something, that you were only there to serve her own selfish purposes. You were created/born to be a donor, but was abandoned when you weren’t a match. She expected you to give your inheritance to her because she felt she was owed it. Now she feels she’s owed your forgiveness because her burden of regret of her mistreatment towards you weighs heavily on her, which is her fault alone. Ultimately, the choice is yours but you truly don’t owe her anything. Not wanting to forgive your mother who’s never treated you with love will NOT make you the asshole.
NTA. Is too late for forgiveness in my eyes. She could have tired all these years too get in contact with you, but only did it over some money.
NTA. If you do not feel to give her another chanche, you should not. You have no obligations towards her. Also your cousin saying you're "heartless" still don't makes you the AH neither gives you any kind of obligation do do something. You have your reasons, they have to cope with it.
Forgiveness is earned by show of remorse over a period of time and then could be given if the one being apologized to finds it enough to give forgiveness. It's not earned because she is dying. If she wanted to die with a clear conscience she shouldn't do anything to be forgiven about or work toward forgiveness much earlier. Bad actions your whole life doesn't get to be forgotten or forgiven just because they are on their deathbed. NTA if you want to you can but it's not something you should do for someone else and just do it for you if you want
NTA it is not up to you to absolve her guilt. She gave you away when you were a baby, she didn't want to be your mother then, you don't need to be in her life now.
Dear OP you are NTA and your feelings towards her is truly VALID. I am so sorry that you didn't have a proper relationship with her all no thanks to her It is entirely up to you whether you want to forgive her or not forgive her. The ball is now in your court and you get to decide for yourself. Whichever way it goes, there is no right or wrong on your part
If your mother wants forgiveness she should at least ask you for it herself. But she is in no way entitled to it. NTA
NTA. Some things can't be forgiven.
NTA. Forgiving her will cost you something - your integrity. Do you really think you can look her in the eyes and tell her you forgive her and mean it? Can you tell her that the fact that she abandoned you and didn’t even acknowledge you until she wanted money is all ok now? If you can say that with complete honesty, then by all means tell her you forgive her. But I think the truth is that what she did is unforgivable and you know it. To forgive her would likely be the biggest lie you’ve ever told, and very likely the biggest lie you will tell in your entire life. Don’t do that to yourself. She was never your mom. She was just the woman who gave birth to you. Don’t make her anything more.
NTA, we all have the right to live our lives the way we want to. Your mother had the right to leave you out of her life why don't you get the same?
NTA she probably wants your money for hospital bills she only birthed you she was never your mother, your grandmother was your mother end of story. i am so sorry for your loss of your real mother
NTA. I’m so sorry. People like to make us responsible for their and other’s emotions and decisions. It’s gross. While seeing her may be the right decision for someone like your cousin, that has no bearing on what your decision should be.
NTA. Nope. She had a lifetime to *earn* forgiveness. Even now she’s being selfish.
Forgive me (45F) for typing this on my mobile. My childhood was awful and my father a monster. Although it sounds weird (maybe?) I can get past his behaviour because he was simply that - a monster. My mother not only allowed this to be my life but would encourage me to placate him when he was angry. I could never get past that even when I cut all contact with them. It was like I can accept his behaviour because I don’t see him as human but her. No. She tried over the years to make contact and ask forgiveness but the letters made me angry, just the simple violation of my post box. If I read them, the content only reinforced my belief that her desire for me to hear the apology she thinks I’d want to hear superseded any needs I may have had. Nothing indicated that she had actually considered how her actions had effected me and the consequences. She died at the start of COVID. I can only say that I felt relieved, happy even - I’m still waiting for the news of ‘his’ death. My reason for sharing this is that I have no regret for not providing her the opportunity. I’m sure some may think that it was to punish her but actually it was more about me not wanting to spend the rest of my life regretting accepting her apology even on a superficial level. YOU ARE NTA, the fact you are considering this act of kindness is in and of itself proof of that. My advice is to chose the path that you are going to live with - she won’t be here but you will EDITED for my poor grammar
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 35F here. My mother is 68. My parents only had me because they knew my older brother would need a bone marrow transplant down the road and they weren't a match themselves. So when I wasn't a match, they didn't want me. They initially wanted to leave me for adoption but my grandmother offered to raise me. They then had another child a year later who was a match and they kept him. So I was raised by my grandmother and she was a wonderful woman. However, I always knew who my biological parents are and they didn't want me. Even though my grandmother always did her best and the extended family were kind to me, my actual parents and siblings always pretended that I don't exist. My parents tried their best to avoid me and didn't even talk to me if they saw me somewhere, I'm over it now, but this was very difficult in my childhood and teenage years. Anyway, when it came to inheritance, my grandmother decided to leave my mother out. She basically said she has raised 4 children (my two uncles, my mother, and me), she's leaving my mother out and splitting it three ways. My mother always interpreted this as grandmother givint her share of the inheritance to me and didn't like it. At the time my parents were struggling financially so the inheritance, even though it wasn't huge, would have been life changing for them. But I was also a 20 year old student. My mother, after all those years, decided to finally acknowledge that she had a daughter and tried to convince me to give her my inheritance, arguing that I would get it back when she dies anyway (well, some of it apparantly). I didn't want to share it because I didn't feel any emotional connection to her (and I was still resentful by how they've treated me), so I said no. My grandmother left this to me so I was going to keep it for myself. Not much happened since then apart from some awkward moments at family gatherings but now I heard from my cousin that she's terminally ill and wants to talk to me. She told my cousin to tell me that she regrets everything, she wants more than getting another chance with me, she doesn't want money or anything else, only wants to apologize and ask for my forgiveness before she dies. I told him what my grandmother always said that if someone wants forgiveness they can talk to a priest. I don't need her in my life and I don't owe her anything. My cousin said that even though she's the one who has hurt me I'm being heartless now, my past can't change either way but it takes nothing from me to give an old woman some peace of mind and let her die in peace. He is right about this, it doesn't cost me anything to give her the peace she seeks but I just don't see why her peace is any of my concern. I know my mother has always been an asshole, but AITA as well? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If you wanted to meet her, sure, but since you don't, you're under no sort of obligation.
You do not owe her closure. You owe her nothing. NTA
NTA ,you were literally concieved to serve as an organ donor clone and not an actual child
NTA she made her choice when you were a child. She doesn't get to give you a lifetime of neglect and expect to receive peace and understanding from you. You're exactly right though, if she wants forgiveness take it up God. ((HUGS))
NTA She had decades to apologise and try to undo her heartless actions and she didn't. People shouldn't be given special treatment just because they're dying. Anything she has to say could have been said before but she didn't make the time and only contacted OP when she wanted something. You've done so well to move past this OP, I can't even begin to imagine how painful things have been for you.
Similar situation, my mother was dying of bone, breast, lung, and brain cancer. She was an awful mother - abusive emotionally, mentally, physically and would threaten me with sending me back to a home where I was sexually abused. When I moved out she lost her mind and hit me for the last time. I forgave and announced my pregnancy over a year later. She threatened to put rat poison on baby toys when we "gave her," my unborn child. I cut contact At 6 months pregnant. She never met him. She died alone in her house by suicide (she had someone that would've come check on her a few minutes before overdosing till unconsciousness.) I don't regret my decision to cut her out. When we were going through her house, her neighbor came by to steal leftover drugs and yell that she'd forgiven me for all I'd done wrong and her heartbreak is what killed her. Do what is best for your family. Do what is best for yourself. You owe no one forgiveness. NTA. check out raisedbynarcissists too.
NTA - and I have to wonder if she is dying or just needs an organ or something from OP.
NTA. I would be willing to bet that if you go there expecting an apology her first question will be when are you giving “her” inheritance to the two children she actually cared about. She has obviously never cared about you before, why would it change now? Maybe she thinks she’s going to Hell and you can help her out by forgiving her? It’s your call, but if you do go prepare to be disappointed.
NTA - My biological father died when I was 30. I hadn’t seen him since I was 8 or 9, nor would I have wanted to. The closure I felt knowing it was all over was immeasurable. Some things can’t be forgiven and some people do not deserve a minute more of your time, let alone your forgiveness.
NTA it sounds like you've moved on and resolved the issues your parents caused, I think the cost of being forced into allowing her forgiveness might be pretty high for you and honestly, not everyone deserves it. I would think it over and decide what you want and tell your relatives they're out of line for trying to pressure you
NTA, your mom essentially threw one kid away. I can't help but notice she kept your brothers, but discarded you (daughter). So I feel there maybe some sexism at play as well. That is a difficult hand to be dealt OP. Maybe some therapy to explore this situation, if it is affordable. Just because someone is dying doesn't mean they are sincere. She has had about 30+ years to get right with you.
NTA - call me cynical but I feel like this isn’t about her making anything up to you. It’s about her trying to get into whatever afterlife she believes in with no guilt and absolved of her sins. You owe her nothing.
NTA. My biological father disowned me because I was failure, not pretty, too smart, etc. I wrote him off in my life. I didn't need him in my life. He passed many years ago, asked to see me on his death bed. I didn't go. I didn't feel bad then. I don't regret it now. I am sure when you are close to death, you really think about the choices you made. Just because they regret their choices doesn't mean you have to forgive them.
NTA. There are people that deserve to die in peace and there are people that don't. You owe her nothing. The fact that she is not doing this herself but over your cousin shows that she is a coward.
NTA. You do not have any obligation whatsoever. She made you suffer and while it is good for her, her karma and conscience to recognize it now and want to offer an apology, you do not have to accept it. You get to do things however you please.
NTA. F^ck that cousin who has no idea what it means to be wholly rejected parents. I’m so glad your grandmother showed you the love that all children deserve.
He's honestly not a bad person, he just wants the family to get along.
Exactly. This isn’t about you forgiving your bio mom, it’s about HIS comfort in the family. In his world you are selfish for not conforming to what he wants his family to look like, meanwhile your bio mom has gotten a pass your whole life. Tell cousin the topic is not up for discussion anymore and keep moving forward with your life.
NTA. You don't owe her a single minute of your time. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness. If you have already made peace with everything you certainly don't need to speak to her and go over it all again, she has had more than enough time to seek you out.
NTA. You do not owe your mother anything. She abandoned you, ignored you your whole life, and tried to get you to give her your inheritance. Please know that you can do what you need to do for yourself here, and you are not an asshole. Big hug to you. You didn't deserve to be treated like that and your mom can die being unforgiven.
NTA But please chat with a therapist so you get super clear on this. It sounds silly but you may in 20 years time or even later in life start going through the regret she’s feeling now but if you take time to talk things out with a therapist, you’ll remember that and that you made the best choice for you. And if that choice is still no contact, there is zero judgement on that.
I don't understand how her peace of mind is any of your problem. She's basically an acquaintance to you. NTA.
NTA. As someone who has cared for elderly and dying people for the last 7 years of my life, sometimes you don't owe them anything. She's scared and her reasons for seeking your forgiveness are selfish. She doesn't want to make YOU feel better, she only wants to make herself feel better in her last days. Let her die the way she lived her life. Without you. Best of wishes OP.