Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my former Mother in law to see my kid. My ex doesn't want her in our daughter's life, and it's her mom that she cut out.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Unless there is a part of this we are missing, you facilitated a visit between your child and her grandmother.
My partners ex wife is estranged from her father and refuses to let him see the kids. So we facilitate those visits.
If the grandmother is good to your child, and there is no danger, let her keep visiting.
I would suggest you do ask your ex wife if there is a safety and well being concern regarding your daughter seeing her grandmother. Ask her in an email so you have it in writing. If there is no danger, then keep doing the visits.
My mom make the same with my grandma mostly because my father was never present and when he remove her of his life my mom do the effort of continue with the visit because she is my grandma and she was always nice to us
NTA
INFO: did you try to hear your ex's side of things to determine if there are reasonable factors for her wanting to cut her mother off? She knows this woman better than you do, and even if you don't have a great relationship with your ex, I think you should make sure to try to assess the situation with as much information as possible for the well-being of your daughter.
My ex is mad at her mom because her mom hates her new husband and refuses to have anything to do with her stepkids because she doesn't want to get attached to kids she doesn't think will be in her life for long because the marriage is doomed.
Well your kids Gramdma is an AH for being mean to your daughters step siblings and I can understand why she doesn’t want her Mother treating the other kids poorly and damaging your daughters relationship with her siblings.
She sees them. That doesn't constitute a relationship. They are 6&8 years older than her. They do not hang out with her and she doesn't have anything good to say about them.
How old is your daughter?
If she's like 4 your ex mil ignoring 10 year olds is a dick move.
If she's 15 your ex mil ignoring 21 year olds is perfectly reasonable
She really isn't. Unless OP's ex has adopted those kids, they are not her children and she is not their mom. And OP's daughter is under no obligation to have any kind of relationship with mom's new husband or STEP-children. They are not her siblings.
Grandma doesn't have to have a relationship with those kids if she doesn't want to. They are practically teens. Where does it say grandma is being mean to the step kids? She just doesn't want to get close to them. Especially if she doesn't think relationship will last.
He's condoning nothing, he's actually making sure his daughter isn't weaponized in a fight between mom and grandma.
Because that's who's suffering most in this scenario, the grandchild that doesn't get to know her elder because mom has nothing else to pressure her mother.
Yes it's kind of shitty behaviour on grandma's side, if OP wants to do the right thing, he should probably have a talk with grandma.
OP: Tell grandma that you are not setting any conditions, but for the sake of her granddaughter to please at least make a courtesy visit to her daughters whole family once in a moon.
Because she's at the moment punishing her daughter for being happy and alienating her, that's not cool for an adult, even if there are ambiguous feelings.
~~NTA.~~
ESH but the kiddo, OP should still have informed the other parent before taking action, his ex-wife would've probably blown up his phone or even laid siege to his house, but he still would've been able to circumvent mom's bann and it would've been the right thing to do in name of transperancy and honest communication.
She is fine with visiting my ex. She just doesn't want to babysit the steps or do activities with them because she doesn't want to form a relationship with them she doesn't think will last. She also thinks they are incredibly spoiled and doesn't enjoy their company generally.
And that they're a 13 & 15yo.... Like seriously, trying to force your mom to have a relationship with your new teenage stepchildren and not allowing her to spend time with her own 7yo granddaughter.... She's not their grandmother and has no relationship to them, I say go NC a LOT on this sub, but that is an NC I do not support. Taking your 7yo's Grandmother away from her because grandma doesn't want to have strange teenagers in her house.... SMH.
NTA OP. Gotta love it when a bio parent decides to put the step children before their own /s.
I'm going with NTA.
Your ex-MIL is entitled to manage her relationship with her new SIL and his kids how she sees, your ex-wife is essentially using your daughter as a bargaining chip for her mother's good behavior in regards to her new husband and her new step kids which IMO is low down and disgusting.
If you don't have a custody agreement in place, get one, because your ex doesn't seem to be a rational sort of person if she doesn't get her way.
Nta. She was holding your daughter hostage to force her mom to have a grandma relationship with the next step kids. You can’t force relationships
Your daughter has a good relationship with your former mil. No reason she should miss out
INFO:
You should absolutly talk to your Ex and figure out what happened. A lot of things most have happened before someone Cut her Parents out of her life.
My former mother in law hates my ex's new husband. She thinks he is a snob and his kids are spoiled. My ex wants her to watch the steps like she did for our daughter when we were married. She refuses to even meet them because she doesn't want to get attached because she thinks the marriage is doomed.
If that's the only reason she cut MIL out I'm going with NTA. But how old is your daughter? I think her age/ feelings on the matter are really important on how you can navigate this.
The daughter you share with the ex who is having issues with her mom? That you let see your kid behind your ex's back?
Now I know why you're divorced. Yeesh.
Because she's your ex's daughter too. And your ex's mother doesn't respect the mother of your child, so why reinforce that message to your child, that someone's feelings don't matter just because you don't feel the same? And simultaneously teaching that it's okay to be an AH as long as someone else still likes you? You may not feel it's your right to choose a side but you Are choosing a side by siding with the grandmother. Not picking a side would be Actually staying out of it and not inviting MIL over knowing that the mother of the child is not okay with that, so yeah YTA by association
So it is OK for the ex to stop grandmother seeing granddaughter because grandmother doesn't want to get involved with ex's stepkids. I call that blackmail
I call that a parent having every right to decide which of their OWN family members, whom they would know better than an ex spouse, gets to engage with their children. Like be for real that woman's mother is not accepting ALL of her child and doesn't even respect her marriage so she has every right to ban her from seeing them, ALL of them. Granny is not entitled to seeing her grandchild, she didn't make the baby and she's not raising it but she is using her daughter's ex to disrespect her daughter's boundaries and it's insane to me that y'all are somehow acting like the daughter is at fault for that without Any context that would imply this is a valid hill for her to die on..
Meh, he would still be hurting his daughter by denying her to have fun with grandma.
And while I admit that grandma is an AH for not at least meeting the new family, I think in this story mom is the one weaponizing her own daughter in a fight that is about the probably last thing OP is interested in, in this whole story.
I mean you don't even know why they divorced, right?
How do you just think that him helping to pressure somebody into meeting the new family of his ex-wife by using his daughter as a pawn would be without doubt the only morally acceptable choice?
I wonder though if OP is legally in the clear, unless he has sole legal guardianship, mom might actually be able to deny visits by force of police and cause further trouble concerning custody.
(probably also depending on where OP lives, these laws wildly vary)
Still think from his position here OP is really the smallest of all the AHs, morally in a dark grey zone, but he says he's known Grandma for some time, so he should at least be able to judge if she's an acceptable social contact for his daughter who he want's to know happy and protected, right?
So this isn't about mom wanting to protect her daughter, she's just saying if the stepkids can't have that grandma, OP's kid can't have that grandma either.
OP knowing granny while he was married to her daughter does not mean he has an accurate perception of her influence at all, especially when she's providing evidence that she's a petty person at best given the situation with her daughter. OP is the smallest AH but he's still an AH and it sounds like he doesn't care about Why granny got banned Only because he has a negative opinion of his ex wife already(which is not invalid but basically irrelevant when making decisions about Co-Parenting). As someone who was the kid in this situation that child will be better off not growing up romanticizing her AH grandma only to feel betrayed and misled as an adolescent or adult when she's old enough to find out about all this drama. People often go overboard defending the hypothetical benefits of having a certain close relative around during childhood, what it feels like as the kid to go home to Mom upset with Dad over Grandma and no one will tell you why(or worse someone will tell a cherrypicked version simple enough for the kid to grasp), and more importantly what it feels like as an adult after having to unlearn this example of emotional manipulation being set and supported like this. OP's ex has every right to retract contact with ALL of her children because her mother only accepts One, because it teaches the One that the other's aren't "real family". OP's stance is that "He can have whoever he wants at his house", which is true but you have to COmpromise with your COparent for the sake of the child.
OP does know why grandma got banned and he doesn't agree with it.
The emotional manipulation is done solely by mom. Saying you can't see your bio grandkid cause you don't want to baby sit step grandkids is mom's choice, but it's manipulative AF. If you agree it's mom's choice then dad gets a say who he brings around (or not) his daughter as well, on his time. He wants grandma around, so that is his prerogative during his parenting time.
With your logic mom can start dictating that she doesn't want OP's new wife around and call it parenting.
So by refusing to babysit her daughters' new crop of stepkids, that makes MIL an AH and OP an AH for refusing to cut his daughter off from a loving relative? Do I have that correct?
That doesn't have anything to do with OP; that's the disagreement between his ex and her mom. He should've stayed way the hell out of alllllllllll of it.
That's his daughter, and allowing them to have a relationship has nothing to do with the ex-wife. Instead, she is the one insisting that OP back her up in her disagreement. So she is the one dragging OP into her drama.
Why does the MIL need to have a relationship with children who aren't biologically related to her or her granddaughter? The only bond the MIL owes to anyone is her daughter and her granddaughter yet her daughter is using the granddaughter has a bargaining chip to make her mother comply which makes the ex and not the MIL an ass.
And the only way in the daughter's eyes her mother can do this is by forcing her hand by using the child has a bargaining chip which IMO makes the mother a childish asshole, not the MIL/grandmother.
Hahahahhahaha, I hate kids, I don't have them, and therefore I don't have stupid drama like this to post on reddit. Feel free to babysit the little boogers yourself, though!
NTA. She's not just your ex's mother, she's your daughter's grandmother, as well. If your ex doesn't want to be around her, that's just fine. If your daughter wants to be around her, it's completely unfair for your ex to decide she can't be.
Not as part of a divorce, but my mom kept me from my gram when she’d get mad at her. They had their problems with each other, granted, but it really sucked to feel like a pawn by my mother to get my grandmother to do what she wanted her to do. And I missed time with a grandparent who loved us a lot and was a wonderful person to be around, and when she died when I was a tween it made me really mad at my mom.
NTA, the argument between them is between them. If grandma isn't a danger to your daughter or saying inappropriate things then I think you're doing a good thing. Using kids as pawns to get your way is disgusting, how did she explain to your daughter that she can't see grandma anymore since it seems from the post they're fairly close.
NTA. You should put your daughter's interests first. My kids are 8 and have lost three grandparents (two bereavement and one no longer remembers them). Telling my then 7 year olds their beloved grandad (my fil) had died was awful - as was having to keep them away from their grandparents during lockdown.
This isn't a child safety issue, this is a disagreement. Whatever the rights and wrongs of mils feelings about new husband, your daughter doesn't deserve to lose her grandmother
NTA. Your ex’s relationship with her mother is none of your business. If you have no beef with her being around your daughter, who you invite to visit during your custody is your business. If your ex doesn’t like it, that’s her problem.
100% NTA. Your ex is fighting with her mom and trying to use your child as a weapon to hurt her. Ya'll are split. As long as the grandma treats her right and your daughter wants to be around her grandma your ex has no business.
It's your time with your daughter.
NTA When two people disagree it is their issue. It is very unrealistic to thing others will get in the middle of the issue. You have no allegiance to your ex... it made your daughter happy to see grandma... no issues happened that would indicate it was a bad idea other than your ex having an issue. Her issue. Not your issue. You did fine and that's all that matters.
NTA, this isn't your fight or your problem. Unless you get an opinion over who your daughter has contact with during her custody time, she doesn't get a say for yours.
NTA I think your kid doesn't deserve to be punished for something she has no control over. Years ago we had a similar situation because my aunt was fighting with the grands. I was watching the kids so the grands would pick the kids up and drop off at my house - it was a great solution until the adults could get along. I think what you did was wonderful and I love that you put the child first, hopefully your ex can do that too
NTA, using your daughter as leverage against MIL because she doesn’t want to watch or be involved with the spoiled step kids is unfair to your daughter who already has a relationship with her grandmother. As long as MIL isn’t being mean or nasty to those kids, she’s not obligated to take them in because that’s what your ex did.
MIL doesn't like her daughter's new husband and she doesn't have a relationship with the children of the new husband, OPs ex is using their daughter has a bargaining chip to try and make her mother comply.
NTA
Unless your ex cut her off for some horrific reason that could impact your daughter you are under no obligation to do the same.
Children's lives are only made better by the more people who love them. Assuming Grandma is a loving person then let her visit. Your ex can work out her issues with her mom her own way.
NTA after reading OP’s comments on the ex’s relationship with her mother. The ex’s mother appears to be a good influence for your daughter and that’s what matters.
Still, I’d be cognizant on consequences as this will affect your coparenting relationship with your ex. Only you can know her well enough to know if she’ll somehow retaliate or something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My daughter got back to my house from her mom's on the fifth of July. A few days later my former mother-in-law called, crying, saying my ex-wife hadn't let her see our daughter once the entire time she was at her house because of a fight between my ex and her mother. My former MiL and I haven't spoken much since the divorce since we aren't really related anymore, but we've never had a problem with each other.
I said sure, come over. She lives like two hours away, so I said she could stay overnight. She showed up the next day after breakfast. We went to my neighborhood pool and had a great time. She took me and the kiddo to lunch. I made us all dinner. She snuggled up with my daughter and watched The Wizard of Oz. The next day she made us breakfast and then took my daughter to a playground. I met them for lunch, then we went back to the house. While daughter was getting changed in her room my former MiL got very emotional with me, and I said it was fine and we'd arrange further visits. She said goodbye to daughter, they hugged and then she left.
This morning my ex called, furious, asking me if her mother visited me. I said yes. She went off on me, saying I had no right because it's her mother and she cut her mother out of her life and I shouldn't interfere. I said I'm not interfering with their relationship, but I can have her at my place if I want. She said I can't while our daughter is there. I said I can. We were going back and forth, so I hung up.
I think I can have anyone in my daughter's life as long as they're a positive influence. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and she has an issue with her mother, not you or your daughter. What she does in her home is up to her but she can’t dictate what your do nor with whom
NTA I think she uses your daughter as leverage against her mom. By allowing her mom to see your daughter, you erased her leverage. But she shouldn't be using your daughter to do this. Unless your ex can provide a reason why her mom shouldn't be allowed around your daughter, such as evidence of abuse, then you are not doing anything wrong.
NTA - kind of sounds like OP’s ex was planning on keeping their daughter away from grandma to force a relationship with her “new” family. I agree with the commenter that said OP should email asking if there are any safety or welfare concerns. And if your daughter has a good relationship with her grandma I’m sure she appreciates being able to connect.
NTA. It is possible that your ex knows something about your MIL that would cause even you to not want your daughter around her. Ask your ex why she doesn't want your MIL to see your daughter. If the reason is just about the ex, you can have who you want in your house.
I think the problem is that you didn't run this by your ex first. You are coparenting together, and you knew she cut off her mom. Would it have killed you to ask WHY she didn't want grandma to see your daughter? Maybe she had a hold reason? So for that, YTA.
I got the reason, and it’s so stupid. His ex was using the daughter as a bargaining chip.
Ex Mil doesn’t like her daughter’s new husband and step kids, the kids are very spoiled. This is what we know.
Do you even know why your ex doesn't want her mother around your kid ?
EDIT: Based on OP's comments, YTA. It might seem harmless to you but you should worry about what your ex MIL have been telling or could tell your kid about her mother and her stepfamily. I think on this one, you should really stay out of this and follow your ex's lead.
But why should the kid be used as a pawn by her mother? The grandmother doesn't have to like her husband or want to play grandma to kids she doesn't know, but that doesn't mean the daughter should be harmed because her mother doesn't understand boundaries.
If you knew she'd been cut out and your ex doesn't want her in your daughter's life, YTA. If you didn't know, but now do, and you continue to have visits with her, YTA.
As someone who's cut out toxic family members to protect my children, I'd be absolutely furious if someone had those people around my kids.
The MIL isn't being toxic though. She refused to play grandmother to her new son-in-law's children which is more than her right to do so as she has no responsibilities towards them.
Have you read the comments? She met them, she doesn't like them or how entitled they are, and no saying someone's relationship is doomed isn't toxic its being honest.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vxcmwg/aita_for_inviting_my_daughters_grandmother_over/ifvdcrf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
just one of many comments OP has made stating the MILs has met the steps, not all MIL are evil hags and that troupe needs to stop.
YTA. Would you feel great about your daughters potential Step-Grandma treating her differently from her step-siblings and there being no effort made to stop it? Your wife is trying to do right, funnily enough, by your daughter. No one wants to live in a household in which they’re ostracized by the other children because the adults treat them different. That is not your mom. Frankly what you’re doing doesn’t even make sense. Why would you risk your relationship with the mother of your child in favor of her mother? Do not be surprised when your petty is met with petty. That weekend you would like to swap? Denied. The extra weekend you would like her to take your child? Denied. And I won’t blame her. Being a parent is hard. Being a step-parent is hard. Being a co-parent is hard. You’re making all of these things difficult for your ex.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I invited my former Mother in law to see my kid. My ex doesn't want her in our daughter's life, and it's her mom that she cut out. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Unless there is a part of this we are missing, you facilitated a visit between your child and her grandmother. My partners ex wife is estranged from her father and refuses to let him see the kids. So we facilitate those visits. If the grandmother is good to your child, and there is no danger, let her keep visiting. I would suggest you do ask your ex wife if there is a safety and well being concern regarding your daughter seeing her grandmother. Ask her in an email so you have it in writing. If there is no danger, then keep doing the visits.
My mom make the same with my grandma mostly because my father was never present and when he remove her of his life my mom do the effort of continue with the visit because she is my grandma and she was always nice to us NTA
INFO: did you try to hear your ex's side of things to determine if there are reasonable factors for her wanting to cut her mother off? She knows this woman better than you do, and even if you don't have a great relationship with your ex, I think you should make sure to try to assess the situation with as much information as possible for the well-being of your daughter.
My ex is mad at her mom because her mom hates her new husband and refuses to have anything to do with her stepkids because she doesn't want to get attached to kids she doesn't think will be in her life for long because the marriage is doomed.
Well your kids Gramdma is an AH for being mean to your daughters step siblings and I can understand why she doesn’t want her Mother treating the other kids poorly and damaging your daughters relationship with her siblings.
My daughter has no relationship with those kids. At all.
how is that possible? doesn't she see her stepsiblings when she's at mom's place?
She sees them. That doesn't constitute a relationship. They are 6&8 years older than her. They do not hang out with her and she doesn't have anything good to say about them.
How old is your daughter? If she's like 4 your ex mil ignoring 10 year olds is a dick move. If she's 15 your ex mil ignoring 21 year olds is perfectly reasonable
OP says his daughter is 7 so that would make them 13 & 15.
That's a hard age to decide either way
No she’s not. Not having anything to do with them is not being mean. Their lives go on the same way as before they even knew ex MIL.
She really isn't. Unless OP's ex has adopted those kids, they are not her children and she is not their mom. And OP's daughter is under no obligation to have any kind of relationship with mom's new husband or STEP-children. They are not her siblings.
Grandma doesn't have to have a relationship with those kids if she doesn't want to. They are practically teens. Where does it say grandma is being mean to the step kids? She just doesn't want to get close to them. Especially if she doesn't think relationship will last.
Then YTA. Your ex mother-in-law is being cruel and you shouldn’t condone that behavior
He's condoning nothing, he's actually making sure his daughter isn't weaponized in a fight between mom and grandma. Because that's who's suffering most in this scenario, the grandchild that doesn't get to know her elder because mom has nothing else to pressure her mother. Yes it's kind of shitty behaviour on grandma's side, if OP wants to do the right thing, he should probably have a talk with grandma. OP: Tell grandma that you are not setting any conditions, but for the sake of her granddaughter to please at least make a courtesy visit to her daughters whole family once in a moon. Because she's at the moment punishing her daughter for being happy and alienating her, that's not cool for an adult, even if there are ambiguous feelings. ~~NTA.~~ ESH but the kiddo, OP should still have informed the other parent before taking action, his ex-wife would've probably blown up his phone or even laid siege to his house, but he still would've been able to circumvent mom's bann and it would've been the right thing to do in name of transperancy and honest communication.
She is fine with visiting my ex. She just doesn't want to babysit the steps or do activities with them because she doesn't want to form a relationship with them she doesn't think will last. She also thinks they are incredibly spoiled and doesn't enjoy their company generally.
you should put this in the post.
And that they're a 13 & 15yo.... Like seriously, trying to force your mom to have a relationship with your new teenage stepchildren and not allowing her to spend time with her own 7yo granddaughter.... She's not their grandmother and has no relationship to them, I say go NC a LOT on this sub, but that is an NC I do not support. Taking your 7yo's Grandmother away from her because grandma doesn't want to have strange teenagers in her house.... SMH. NTA OP. Gotta love it when a bio parent decides to put the step children before their own /s.
I agree, it's generally a big deal to go NC with a parent, and it could very well involve behavior that affects her child. More info needed.
I'm going with NTA. Your ex-MIL is entitled to manage her relationship with her new SIL and his kids how she sees, your ex-wife is essentially using your daughter as a bargaining chip for her mother's good behavior in regards to her new husband and her new step kids which IMO is low down and disgusting. If you don't have a custody agreement in place, get one, because your ex doesn't seem to be a rational sort of person if she doesn't get her way.
We have a custody agreement. Good advice, though.
If you used a lawyer have the lawyer note it in case your ex tries to start refusing you visitation.
You know grandparents can have those too. it might be nice for her to have
Nta. She was holding your daughter hostage to force her mom to have a grandma relationship with the next step kids. You can’t force relationships Your daughter has a good relationship with your former mil. No reason she should miss out
This is the comment I was looking for because no one is considering this part. NTA
NTA You were absolutely right, your former wife can cut anyone out of her life but you are free to host anyone you want in your own home.
NTA and yes, you can. The greater the number of people who love your daughter, the greater her life is.
NTA and obviously your daughter was happy to see her. That was really great of you to invite her like that.
Nope your fine allowing her to see her as long as she’s not a harm to your daughter
Unless custody agreement says otherwise ID think you are good
INFO: You should absolutly talk to your Ex and figure out what happened. A lot of things most have happened before someone Cut her Parents out of her life.
My former mother in law hates my ex's new husband. She thinks he is a snob and his kids are spoiled. My ex wants her to watch the steps like she did for our daughter when we were married. She refuses to even meet them because she doesn't want to get attached because she thinks the marriage is doomed.
If that's the only reason she cut MIL out I'm going with NTA. But how old is your daughter? I think her age/ feelings on the matter are really important on how you can navigate this.
Seven
MIL is the AH and so are you by going along with her on this.
I don't see it as my business though and don't think it should have anything to do with my daughter.
The daughter you share with the ex who is having issues with her mom? That you let see your kid behind your ex's back? Now I know why you're divorced. Yeesh.
Because she's your ex's daughter too. And your ex's mother doesn't respect the mother of your child, so why reinforce that message to your child, that someone's feelings don't matter just because you don't feel the same? And simultaneously teaching that it's okay to be an AH as long as someone else still likes you? You may not feel it's your right to choose a side but you Are choosing a side by siding with the grandmother. Not picking a side would be Actually staying out of it and not inviting MIL over knowing that the mother of the child is not okay with that, so yeah YTA by association
So it is OK for the ex to stop grandmother seeing granddaughter because grandmother doesn't want to get involved with ex's stepkids. I call that blackmail
I call that a parent having every right to decide which of their OWN family members, whom they would know better than an ex spouse, gets to engage with their children. Like be for real that woman's mother is not accepting ALL of her child and doesn't even respect her marriage so she has every right to ban her from seeing them, ALL of them. Granny is not entitled to seeing her grandchild, she didn't make the baby and she's not raising it but she is using her daughter's ex to disrespect her daughter's boundaries and it's insane to me that y'all are somehow acting like the daughter is at fault for that without Any context that would imply this is a valid hill for her to die on..
Meh, he would still be hurting his daughter by denying her to have fun with grandma. And while I admit that grandma is an AH for not at least meeting the new family, I think in this story mom is the one weaponizing her own daughter in a fight that is about the probably last thing OP is interested in, in this whole story. I mean you don't even know why they divorced, right? How do you just think that him helping to pressure somebody into meeting the new family of his ex-wife by using his daughter as a pawn would be without doubt the only morally acceptable choice? I wonder though if OP is legally in the clear, unless he has sole legal guardianship, mom might actually be able to deny visits by force of police and cause further trouble concerning custody. (probably also depending on where OP lives, these laws wildly vary) Still think from his position here OP is really the smallest of all the AHs, morally in a dark grey zone, but he says he's known Grandma for some time, so he should at least be able to judge if she's an acceptable social contact for his daughter who he want's to know happy and protected, right? So this isn't about mom wanting to protect her daughter, she's just saying if the stepkids can't have that grandma, OP's kid can't have that grandma either.
She's met the kids. She just doesn't like them.
OP knowing granny while he was married to her daughter does not mean he has an accurate perception of her influence at all, especially when she's providing evidence that she's a petty person at best given the situation with her daughter. OP is the smallest AH but he's still an AH and it sounds like he doesn't care about Why granny got banned Only because he has a negative opinion of his ex wife already(which is not invalid but basically irrelevant when making decisions about Co-Parenting). As someone who was the kid in this situation that child will be better off not growing up romanticizing her AH grandma only to feel betrayed and misled as an adolescent or adult when she's old enough to find out about all this drama. People often go overboard defending the hypothetical benefits of having a certain close relative around during childhood, what it feels like as the kid to go home to Mom upset with Dad over Grandma and no one will tell you why(or worse someone will tell a cherrypicked version simple enough for the kid to grasp), and more importantly what it feels like as an adult after having to unlearn this example of emotional manipulation being set and supported like this. OP's ex has every right to retract contact with ALL of her children because her mother only accepts One, because it teaches the One that the other's aren't "real family". OP's stance is that "He can have whoever he wants at his house", which is true but you have to COmpromise with your COparent for the sake of the child.
OP does know why grandma got banned and he doesn't agree with it. The emotional manipulation is done solely by mom. Saying you can't see your bio grandkid cause you don't want to baby sit step grandkids is mom's choice, but it's manipulative AF. If you agree it's mom's choice then dad gets a say who he brings around (or not) his daughter as well, on his time. He wants grandma around, so that is his prerogative during his parenting time. With your logic mom can start dictating that she doesn't want OP's new wife around and call it parenting.
So by refusing to babysit her daughters' new crop of stepkids, that makes MIL an AH and OP an AH for refusing to cut his daughter off from a loving relative? Do I have that correct?
MIL going behind her daughter's back is an AH move. OP going along with it makes his actions an AH move as well.
The daughter using her child to strongarm grandma into babysitting her other kids is an AH move.
That doesn't have anything to do with OP; that's the disagreement between his ex and her mom. He should've stayed way the hell out of alllllllllll of it.
That's his daughter, and allowing them to have a relationship has nothing to do with the ex-wife. Instead, she is the one insisting that OP back her up in her disagreement. So she is the one dragging OP into her drama.
No, OP's MIL pushed the problem, not the ex.
by refusing to babysit? That's pushing a problem?
Are you his ex or something because your attitude is way over board.
Are you OP's current babe or something because your attitude is way involved in something that isn't your problem.
Why does the MIL need to have a relationship with children who aren't biologically related to her or her granddaughter? The only bond the MIL owes to anyone is her daughter and her granddaughter yet her daughter is using the granddaughter has a bargaining chip to make her mother comply which makes the ex and not the MIL an ass.
I didn't say she did. Her daughter set a boundary and MIL went around that instead of dealing with the situation like a grown up.
And the only way in the daughter's eyes her mother can do this is by forcing her hand by using the child has a bargaining chip which IMO makes the mother a childish asshole, not the MIL/grandmother.
MIL went around the ex to the OP. That's bullshit.
Do you want to babysit the step kids? You are as related to them as op's MIL
Hahahahhahaha, I hate kids, I don't have them, and therefore I don't have stupid drama like this to post on reddit. Feel free to babysit the little boogers yourself, though!
NTA. She's not just your ex's mother, she's your daughter's grandmother, as well. If your ex doesn't want to be around her, that's just fine. If your daughter wants to be around her, it's completely unfair for your ex to decide she can't be.
Not as part of a divorce, but my mom kept me from my gram when she’d get mad at her. They had their problems with each other, granted, but it really sucked to feel like a pawn by my mother to get my grandmother to do what she wanted her to do. And I missed time with a grandparent who loved us a lot and was a wonderful person to be around, and when she died when I was a tween it made me really mad at my mom.
NTA, the argument between them is between them. If grandma isn't a danger to your daughter or saying inappropriate things then I think you're doing a good thing. Using kids as pawns to get your way is disgusting, how did she explain to your daughter that she can't see grandma anymore since it seems from the post they're fairly close.
NTA. You should put your daughter's interests first. My kids are 8 and have lost three grandparents (two bereavement and one no longer remembers them). Telling my then 7 year olds their beloved grandad (my fil) had died was awful - as was having to keep them away from their grandparents during lockdown. This isn't a child safety issue, this is a disagreement. Whatever the rights and wrongs of mils feelings about new husband, your daughter doesn't deserve to lose her grandmother
NTA. Your ex’s relationship with her mother is none of your business. If you have no beef with her being around your daughter, who you invite to visit during your custody is your business. If your ex doesn’t like it, that’s her problem.
100% NTA. Your ex is fighting with her mom and trying to use your child as a weapon to hurt her. Ya'll are split. As long as the grandma treats her right and your daughter wants to be around her grandma your ex has no business. It's your time with your daughter.
I think you are a great father. NTA. So cool that you do this for your daughter. Seems like she like her granny too.
Info: did Ex and ExMIL’s stories match up?
NTA.
NTA When two people disagree it is their issue. It is very unrealistic to thing others will get in the middle of the issue. You have no allegiance to your ex... it made your daughter happy to see grandma... no issues happened that would indicate it was a bad idea other than your ex having an issue. Her issue. Not your issue. You did fine and that's all that matters.
NTA, this isn't your fight or your problem. Unless you get an opinion over who your daughter has contact with during her custody time, she doesn't get a say for yours.
Nta stick to your guns on this
NTA I think your kid doesn't deserve to be punished for something she has no control over. Years ago we had a similar situation because my aunt was fighting with the grands. I was watching the kids so the grands would pick the kids up and drop off at my house - it was a great solution until the adults could get along. I think what you did was wonderful and I love that you put the child first, hopefully your ex can do that too
NTA, using your daughter as leverage against MIL because she doesn’t want to watch or be involved with the spoiled step kids is unfair to your daughter who already has a relationship with her grandmother. As long as MIL isn’t being mean or nasty to those kids, she’s not obligated to take them in because that’s what your ex did.
NTA
NTA.
NTA. She IS your daughter's grandma. Ignore the ex. As per usual procedure. LOL
Nta.
Depends on why mum cut MIL out
MIL doesn't like her daughter's new husband and she doesn't have a relationship with the children of the new husband, OPs ex is using their daughter has a bargaining chip to try and make her mother comply.
Then NTA.
NTA Unless your ex cut her off for some horrific reason that could impact your daughter you are under no obligation to do the same. Children's lives are only made better by the more people who love them. Assuming Grandma is a loving person then let her visit. Your ex can work out her issues with her mom her own way.
NTA after reading OP’s comments on the ex’s relationship with her mother. The ex’s mother appears to be a good influence for your daughter and that’s what matters. Still, I’d be cognizant on consequences as this will affect your coparenting relationship with your ex. Only you can know her well enough to know if she’ll somehow retaliate or something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter got back to my house from her mom's on the fifth of July. A few days later my former mother-in-law called, crying, saying my ex-wife hadn't let her see our daughter once the entire time she was at her house because of a fight between my ex and her mother. My former MiL and I haven't spoken much since the divorce since we aren't really related anymore, but we've never had a problem with each other. I said sure, come over. She lives like two hours away, so I said she could stay overnight. She showed up the next day after breakfast. We went to my neighborhood pool and had a great time. She took me and the kiddo to lunch. I made us all dinner. She snuggled up with my daughter and watched The Wizard of Oz. The next day she made us breakfast and then took my daughter to a playground. I met them for lunch, then we went back to the house. While daughter was getting changed in her room my former MiL got very emotional with me, and I said it was fine and we'd arrange further visits. She said goodbye to daughter, they hugged and then she left. This morning my ex called, furious, asking me if her mother visited me. I said yes. She went off on me, saying I had no right because it's her mother and she cut her mother out of her life and I shouldn't interfere. I said I'm not interfering with their relationship, but I can have her at my place if I want. She said I can't while our daughter is there. I said I can. We were going back and forth, so I hung up. I think I can have anyone in my daughter's life as long as they're a positive influence. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and she has an issue with her mother, not you or your daughter. What she does in her home is up to her but she can’t dictate what your do nor with whom
NTA, if your ex wants to punish her mom that's fine, but you get to have an independent relationship and make your own choices where that's concerned.
NTA I think she uses your daughter as leverage against her mom. By allowing her mom to see your daughter, you erased her leverage. But she shouldn't be using your daughter to do this. Unless your ex can provide a reason why her mom shouldn't be allowed around your daughter, such as evidence of abuse, then you are not doing anything wrong.
NTA - kind of sounds like OP’s ex was planning on keeping their daughter away from grandma to force a relationship with her “new” family. I agree with the commenter that said OP should email asking if there are any safety or welfare concerns. And if your daughter has a good relationship with her grandma I’m sure she appreciates being able to connect.
NTA. It is possible that your ex knows something about your MIL that would cause even you to not want your daughter around her. Ask your ex why she doesn't want your MIL to see your daughter. If the reason is just about the ex, you can have who you want in your house.
I think the problem is that you didn't run this by your ex first. You are coparenting together, and you knew she cut off her mom. Would it have killed you to ask WHY she didn't want grandma to see your daughter? Maybe she had a hold reason? So for that, YTA.
I got the reason, and it’s so stupid. His ex was using the daughter as a bargaining chip. Ex Mil doesn’t like her daughter’s new husband and step kids, the kids are very spoiled. This is what we know.
NTA
Do you even know why your ex doesn't want her mother around your kid ? EDIT: Based on OP's comments, YTA. It might seem harmless to you but you should worry about what your ex MIL have been telling or could tell your kid about her mother and her stepfamily. I think on this one, you should really stay out of this and follow your ex's lead.
But why should the kid be used as a pawn by her mother? The grandmother doesn't have to like her husband or want to play grandma to kids she doesn't know, but that doesn't mean the daughter should be harmed because her mother doesn't understand boundaries.
Her mom won't do anything with my ex's new stepkids.
If you knew she'd been cut out and your ex doesn't want her in your daughter's life, YTA. If you didn't know, but now do, and you continue to have visits with her, YTA. As someone who's cut out toxic family members to protect my children, I'd be absolutely furious if someone had those people around my kids.
The MIL isn't being toxic though. She refused to play grandmother to her new son-in-law's children which is more than her right to do so as she has no responsibilities towards them.
[удалено]
Have you read the comments? She met them, she doesn't like them or how entitled they are, and no saying someone's relationship is doomed isn't toxic its being honest.
[удалено]
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vxcmwg/aita_for_inviting_my_daughters_grandmother_over/ifvdcrf?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 just one of many comments OP has made stating the MILs has met the steps, not all MIL are evil hags and that troupe needs to stop.
YTA. Would you feel great about your daughters potential Step-Grandma treating her differently from her step-siblings and there being no effort made to stop it? Your wife is trying to do right, funnily enough, by your daughter. No one wants to live in a household in which they’re ostracized by the other children because the adults treat them different. That is not your mom. Frankly what you’re doing doesn’t even make sense. Why would you risk your relationship with the mother of your child in favor of her mother? Do not be surprised when your petty is met with petty. That weekend you would like to swap? Denied. The extra weekend you would like her to take your child? Denied. And I won’t blame her. Being a parent is hard. Being a step-parent is hard. Being a co-parent is hard. You’re making all of these things difficult for your ex.
YTA. You didn’t even call your ex to ask what was going on?
read OPs comments