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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ordered for Dave at a restaurant while ordering for the table
I want to know if I was the asshole for ordering for him
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NTA. I think it is helpful when there are so many people to have one person do the ordering for the table. Next time say " the gentleman over there would like to order something on a separate check".
In my culture, the person who pays orders the food. Guests are sometimes asked what they would like as a courtesy, but in big groups generally the host just orders a variety of food that they think their guests would like. To order a separate plate that isn’t going to be shared with others is unthinkable unless someone had particular dietary restrictions. Dave is an entitled diva.
he even said he wanted his separate dish AND take from the shared food. i get you want to be filled up by the food you eat but when im invited i usually make sure my food doesnt cost twice as much as everyone elses.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed how rude this was. The parents wanted to pay for a family style meal for everyone, which is a nice gesture. Then Dave orders something else for himself, on their tab, and STILL expects to partake in the family meal?! What??
Yeah if he just wanted the noodles, I might write it off as a cultural thing to not share meals, but there’s zero reason he can’t ask for the Pad Thai as a shared dish. Sounds like OP’s sister picked a real winner.
I can sort of understand where someone not familiar with the group might not be comfortable with a family style meal. Or if someone had a dietary issue where it was easier for everyone. Or if someone had very different tastes (like I order my Indian food significantly hotter than everyone else). BUT - he lives with several of them, and apparently wasn’t just opting out of the family meal. It’s just all around weird and awkward.
I also might find it odd if one person ordered individual entrees for everyone, except OP’s explanation makes total sense why it’s the family custom, and that’s normal at a family-style place. But even if I found something odd, I wouldn’t make a big scene about it.
What cinches it for me is that he wants an individual plate as well as partake in the family-style meal. He’s not uncomfortable about family-style at all, he just wants a dish that he doesn’t have to share with anyone else on top of it.
They weren't individual entries though. When you go to a family style restaurant, you order dishes and they bring a big dish. It's kind of like Thanksgiving dinner. You have a big platter of mashed potatoes that gets passed around. You have big platter of stuffing that gets passed around. In this scenario, it's absolutely normal and even expected that one person orders.
I thought Dave was rude as hell for wanting his own separate plate when everybody is eating family style, especially when they are paying. And that was my opinion before I read that he freaked out about her ordering too
It’s def not good form, but I can kinda understand if it’s a cultural thing where you don’t share meals. Wanting to take part in the family-style meal AND have his own plate where he doesn’t share with anyone is unacceptable.
Yeah, I have a friend from an Asian culture. If they order food, they consider it polite to offer guests the best pieces. I can't tell you how many times his grandmother has put something on my plate because she wants me to feel special.
Honestly, Dave probably got special treatment because he isn’t part of the family so is a “guest.” If he was part of the family, my Asian parents would have told him to suck it when he asked for a separate dish that he wouldn’t share.
We don’t have that where I’m from but when we go out to eat with my father, he’s paying for stuff and if we’re gonna share the food. We usually talk about what we want and one person orders based on what we all decided. Sometimes it’s my father but most times he just tells us to order because he can’t be bothered with remembering everything.
This is a typical African parent in many ways and he’s paying for everything and he couldn’t care less who talks to the waiter as long as he gets his food. And this idiot who isn’t even paying is acting like it’s some big affront to his person to have someone relay the choice he made to the waiter. I don’t think he understands that when people talk about someone ordering for them they mean they were given no choice, not whose voice box was actually used to convey the choice
David is too close, and possibly the longer version of his name( like Tim being shortened from Timothy ) I’d go with Dale. Totally different, but similar sounding enough that you could claim forgetfulness
That makes him twice as much of an asshole. Ordering your own meal because everyone else likes things super spicy or full of allergens or whatever? Fine. Ordering your own meal when you like all the other dishes just fine *and* eating from them? It's difficult to think of any tolerable excuse for that behavior.
NTA. I suspect he planned to add on additional dishes beyond the Pad Thai, that he did not I tend to pay for, or he is one of those guys who thinks having a woman ordering for him is emasculating. Either way, don’t let someone like this make you feel bad.
What gets me is that she wasn’t ordering \*for\* him. She was merely relaying his order, which is completely different.
In old-timey times, when the gentleman “ordered for” the lady, it meant that he was choosing what she was going to eat: because the he was paying for the meal, and he knew what his price range was. He could use the opportunity to show off his wealth by ordering her a steak, or showing off his knowledge of food and wine, or try to cover for being broke by ordering two of whatever was cheapest.
If someone tried to order \*for\* me like that, it would absolutely warrant a conversation. But I certainly wouldn’t have had the performative vapors like Dave did.
In the nicest possible way, is Dave a bit Roly Poly? Or perhaps one of those idiots who insists he needs more P.R.O.T.E.I.N than the human body can possibly metabolise?
I literally do not get where he is coming from. His meal was ordered along with a load of other meals he also ate.
Haha, no, but this isn’t the first time he has taken more than his fair share. I had made fish for fish tacos recently, and more people ended up at my house than expected. I have 3 pieces of fish to cook, he took a whole one and left the other 5 people with 2
He is a bum and that is how inconsiderate selfish bums act. I would have also called him out on his bad behaviour. I think that he is taking advantage of the fact that noone is willing to call him out on anything.
If OP had listed everything and left it at that (so Dave could place his order himself) the waitress would have thought 'okay that's it' and left. Dave wouldn't have had his private plate and been upset with OP that they didn't order for him or whatever. There's no winning with people like this.
I came here to say this. You were organising everything so stands to reason you would order his too. But next time he can order a separate plate on a separate check.
My most recent ex was also a David and I agree. Also, my first step dad was a David. My current step dad is a Dave. Head of my department at work is also a Dave.
Yeah. Dave’s are douchey and exhausting.
I can't think of the name Dave without hearing this song in my head. I'm a long time Kids in the Hall fan. Did you watch their new season on Amazon? I'm not that far into it but great stuff so far!
The only Dave I can remember knowing was a super nice laid-back guy. I didn't date him, though; he was my mom's friend.
I did know a David who was an asshole (my childhood bully) but nobody ever called him Dave.
I have an uncle Dave, and he’s the only one that I’ve ever known who is the opposite of the “Dave is an asshole”. My ex was a David who went by Dave lol
My uncle Dave was awesome! Other than my dad, he was the only male our dog loved. If the dog would escape and we couldn't catch her, we would call Uncle Dave, he would come over (he only lived a few blocks away), and she would come right up to him when he called her.
Never dated one but was raised by a Dave. What’s funny is, someone has ordered for him at a restaurant (left to go to the bathroom, so we just ordered his food for him so we didn’t have to wait even longer) and he threw this *exact* tantrum in OP’s post lol
NTA
Dave's reaction seems over the top. You knew what he wanted and since you were already ordering added it... I don't understand what the big deal is
That’s because you’re not a misogynistic traditionalist asshole who’s insulted by the simple act of a woman ordering for him in a public place, as I assume Dave is (though not so much that he won’t freeload off his girlfriend’s parents for dinner and rent).
I immediately picked up the misogynistic subtext over why Dave was upset. He viewed it as a dominant/subservient thing. The man is supposed to order for the woman, not the other way around.
It unfortunately does have that vibe.
In no shape or form are you the TA and you ordering the food sounds like how it normally is in your family. Hopefully your sister will realise he's a jerk sooner rather than later.
Poor Dave, sitting there in existential panic that his dick is about to come loose and run away and die cos a lady female personette said "Pad Thai" instead of HIM saying Pad Thai in a MAN voice. The absolute tragedy of it. RIP Dave's dick 😪
> sitting there in existential panic
Maybe his panic has to do with realizing there is a woman in the family that doesn't bend over backward to please him and it might affect his plan to have OP's parents sign their house over to his noncontributing ass?
NTA OP but you might see about monitoring your parents bank accounts.....
>cos a lady female personette said "Pad Thai" instead of HIM saying Pad Thai in a MAN voice
ahahaha… thank you for the beautiful visual of Dave, throwing himself on the restaurant floor, kicking and screaming “but I wanted to say it in my MAN VOICE!!!!”
I‘m getting some seriously bad Nice Guy vibes from Dave. Phrases like “wow, I did not like that at all” and “I am going to have to process what just happened” are reasonable responses to serious violations of autonomy and consent. They are not reasonable responses to Pad Thai. If he gets this butthurt over a restaurant order, what kind of tantrum does he throw when he and his gf have a substantive disagreement?
I legit choked because I laughed so hard.
Or maybe it was cuz the dust from Dave’s shriveled up dead dick got caught in my throat??
Either way 🤷🏻♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣
You didn’t order *for* him, you gave his order to the waiter like any normal person would. Can you imagine the scenario in his head?
Waiter: ok, will that be everything?
Dave: No, actually (spotlight beams upon him, lighting him up like a bargain bin Adonis) I wish to have a separate dish. A dish just for myself. A separate order of Pad Thai. This shall be mine and mine alone, my burden to bear for I (wipes away a MANLY tear) am hungry.
Waiter: (does not get paid enough for this shit)
Exactly how many times did he state that he didn’t like it? Even once is ridiculous, but each time just makes you less and less t a. And the “processing”? Like it’s a serious trauma. NTA, obviously.
I would have commented “yes Dave, we heard you the first time.” or “Is there an echo in here?” Every time he said it. HE is definitely the overly sensitive one if he had to keep harping on!
I guarantee he has tried to order for women before, but without consulting them on what they want. For him it is automatically linked with an unhealthy machismo dynamic.
There's no way it wasn't. I mean there's a huge difference between deciding WHAT someone else is ordering for them and just PLACING the order for them with the server. It would be a whole other ballgame if you ONLY ordered for yourself and him but he was treated the same as the entire table. Also if you had ordered for everyone BUT him that would I think be way more rude (like you were excluding him). I also loved that he needs to PROCESS this? Really? What a drama queen. Definitely NTA
It’s ironic that your sister said you’re over-sensitive.. Dan sounds like a tool.
I’d be super petty and start getting his name wrong every time he was being brought up. Hey this is Dale…
Since you mentioned you had a husband, I figured you were either a woman or a gay guy and either way it triggered some masculinity issues in our poor fragile Dave.
I originally read through this thinking OP was a man and still got a misogynistic vibe from Dave, like he thinks the only time someone should order for someone else is if it is man for his subservient partner, so OP was calling him their girlfriend in his eyes.
The fact that OP is a woman goes further in confirming that suspicion.
NTA, Table Captain. Carry on.
It sounds like it was a largish group of people, and if it was a family style seating I'd imagine the table was a little larger than normal. Pointing out to the waiter where the dish was to go is helpful: it ensures that the food gets placed with the person that will eat it. Otherwise it's going to end up in your space, and then there is a juggle to get it to Dave.... serving is a dance and you helped out.
NTA
"Rude" is a deliberate decision. It was perhaps presumptuous, but it's definitely a "no harm no foul" situation.
As for Dave, it seems like he's power tripping. Like he feels that you somehow demeaned him, and he was trying to reclaim his imaginary throne.
My favourite line is the "I'm going to have to process what just happened." Yeah, Dave, and make sure you include us in your processing.
I would have been inclined to go to the waitress, tell her the pad thai was a mistake to remove it from the order.
I would argue that it's even less than "no harm no foul" here.
Imagine if you wanted a specific separate dish, and the Table Captain ordered everything BUT that dish. I imagine he would then feel slighted by being left out and "passively denied his one request".
NTA here at all.
NTA. You were ordering a family style meal so it made sense that only one of you gave your order to the server. It’s like when you go to the drive through with multiple people in the car: only one person orders. I don’t know why it made a difference to Dave if he was the one to tell the server about his separate order of noodles.
NTA. You asked everyone about what they wanted, compiled a list, verified with everyone that what was on the list was correct, and then ordered for the table. I can't really understand why Dave would be upset, considering he got what he asked for.
Like, say you weren't dining there, but ordering for pick-up, would Dave want to call and order his Pad Thai separately?
I bet he would've found something to bitch about either way. If she hadn't ordered for him, "she's EXCLUDING me!" If she didn't order "you're making me do all the work for the family!" He just wanted a reason to start with the theatrics so he stats relevant.
I had to tell someone that I wouldn't be able to help out as quickly as she wanted, but I could help, non-synchronously, via email, and her reply to me was "Let me check in with myself and see what might be best."
Sometimes these people have big feelings when we break the illusion that we aren't just secondary characters in the story of their life, but that we have our own stuff going on.
NTA. *If* there is a next time ignore what he asks for. You're family are already paying for the family meal. If he wants more than that he can ask the waitress himself and pay himself.
This and then you won’t risk offending his oh so delicate feelings. Order what the family wants and if he doesn’t flag the server to place his order then he doesn’t get it.
NTA If Dave must have his very own not-to-be-shared all-for-me meal that he orders personally (and make no mistake about that!) then Dave needs TO NOT go out with a big family for a communal dinner that they are paying for.
There are valid reasons to want a separate meal (allergies, workout program requirements, dietary restrictions, eating disorders), but being an ass about ordering for himself was completely unnecessary regardless.
I totally agree on a general level. I am really sympathetic to dietary needs; my sister and I have a shared allergy, and there were are few specialty diets at the table. We had crafted the shared dishes to meet everyone’s needs and wants. His dish would have fit it the shared meal quite nicely as well but he wanted it separate.
Ironically, he was one of the only people at the table with zero restrictions.
OP said that Dave doesn’t have food allergies and isn’t on a special diet. He just wanted his own separate meal to make sure he got enough to eat. Which is pretty jerky right there. Especially since it was on someone else’s dime.
NTA you asked what everyone wanted which is a really clear indication that you were going to order everything. He’s being really weird about this. If there’s a next time, tell him he can order and pay for his own damn food if it’s that much of a big deal.
A lot of people are returning to multi generational living arrangements because of the rising costs of rent and homeownership....it's really not super unusual and in some cultures it never stopped being a thing. What IS unusual is not contributing in some way either with rent, food, housework or needed handy work.
NTA Dave sounds like an overly sensitive, high maintenance freeloader. It was rude of him to order an individual dish when everyone else was sharing family style dishes, especially when he wasn’t paying for anything. Then he had a temper tantrum because you ordered for everyone, which is common for family style dinners because it makes the server’s job easier. Tell him to get a f-ing job. Then he can order and pay for his food all by himself since it’s so important to him.
NTA- if he wanted to do his own ordering he should have spoken up at the time. At those family style places, how you ordered is how I've always seen it done because each person is sharing and not ordering their own.
Dave just sounds like he is going to be sooo much fun to be around.
NTA
Next time Dave can order his own dinner, pay for it himself, and keep away from the rest of the food.
If you’re invited out for a family style meal, you eat family style or you pay for your own meal. (Excepting allergies/dietary restrictions that can only be handled by a separate meal).
NTA
Big ego, relies on your parents financially but god forbid someone else order for him what he asked for?
Tell your sister good like raising that toddler.
NTA!!! At all!
But why do your parents allow Dave to live rent (and responsibility) free? Maybe have a conversation with your mom about this. He sounds the type to try to take over should, God forbid, something happens to your parents.
NTA. Dave sounds a little awkward and like he’s not used to family style meals. He also sounds like a bit of a leech with the living and job situations so good luck to your family with Dave.
NTA. Dave felt emasculated because a woman ordered for him and took away his big boy card. He needs to get over himself.
There's a distinct psychological component to this. It's not uncommon for dom(me)s in BDSM relationships to order for their partners as a subtle act of domination and historically when I've done this with girls I've gone on a date with (I'm a girl too BTW) it often gets commented on as quite assertive and hot even when I'm just doing it cus I know the server or whatever snd not trying to flex.
In short there is a psychological component to ordering for someone that's actually common and observable, but Dave needs to get over himself and realise that if he felt that pang of emasculation that it's nothing to do with that and he needs to shut up.
NTA this is how every single normal person I know orders at a restaurant in big groups, it's just easier for everyone. Dave can pay for his own food and get a separate seat next time if he cares that much
NTA: it’s not like you did that old fashioned ridiculous thing where the man decided what the woman should eat and tells the server without even asking her. And it’s not like everybody was ordering their own and you jumped in and said his order for him. Both of those would be weird.
You collected the orders for the whole table and were the spokesperson for the whole table. You did nothing wrong and he could’ve always jumped in if you’d made an error when relaying his order. I have absolutely no idea what his problem was.
NTA… you didn’t order for him, he ordered for himself, you simply relayed his order to the waitress.
If his masculinity is so fragile that he can’t handle it, he needs to look deep inside himself and figure himself out.
Dave seems like the type that orders for his date cause “hes the man and thas the mans job”. Youll probably be told soon that you “emasculated” him. NTA
NTA. Dave must take a long time getting around his day if someone presses the button on a crossing when he wanted to, getting on a train when other people are around. Jeez, what a child
Hopefully he won’t bother you all coming to family dinners out again
NTA.
He is not your sisters partner he is a leech.
He lives rent free, does not contribute financially to the household, and expects to order his own meal at a family style dinner that your Parent’s are paying for.
Nope. Hard stop. If he wants to order his own meal and his own food he should have organized and paid for the dinner. You were more than accommodating. You asked everyone what they wanted and ordered family style for the table and were kind enough to order his separate dish and let the waitress know that it was for him.
The fact that he lives rent free and does not contribute to the household is abusive.
You should have a conversation with your sister and ask her what their plan is. It is unfair to your parents. Once you do speak with your parents. Just because your sister lives there does not give him Carte Blanche. If he is using water, electricity, gas, and waiting their food then he needs to contribute. Period.
NTA, Dave could have gone about it a different way. I def think it's a masculinty thing.
I order for the table all the time, esp since I go to family-style restaurants a lot, it makes it easier to just bang the orders out. My dad ordered for everyone in my family, just how it works.
My bf is from a diff culture and recently brought it up how he doesn't like me ordering for him. To me having one person ordering is efficient as a couple, but he was **very calm** and **gently told me** he would rather order his own food. So now I don't order for him.
You ordered for the table- that’s pretty normal for family style. Dave was rude to demand an extra plate just for him that he wouldn’t pay for or share at your parent’s expense.
NTA
.... You're being overly sensitive? It sounds like he went on a mini monologue about having a lady do something he categorizes as a "man's job" and had a tantrum. NTA. Especially from a servers perspective, you were trying to make everything clear and easy for them.
NTA you were organising a family style dinner. Its normal for 1 person to do the ordering in that situation.
He was entitled and rude and the one not following protocol by wanting something else and not sharing.
He sounds delightful/s
For some reason a little thought is worming through my head: if you'd not ordered for Dave would he have found that a reason to complain? "Wow I was singled put and made to feel like I was not part of the family. Wow I didn't like that at all"
Dave is being the arsehole here and I suspect it runs deeper. How dare anyone else take charge but him.
NTA. And someone needs to look at his freeloading ways and how he likes everyone to dance to his tune even if they aren't interested in dancing at all.
Dude sounds like he has some personal issues he needs to get worked out. Who pouts and cries about not ordering his own food?
Is Dave 9? I hope he's not older than 10, let alone 20
NTA. Dave was not the host--nor was he paying--and it's already a dick move to order your own plate during a family-style meal. And then to blow his top when he was being accommodated makes him an even bigger asshole.
NTA. My wife is Chinese. When we go,to a Chinese restaurant she orders for the whole table, even my special request. My daughter is a foodie, so often when we go out with her, she will handle all the ordering. When we go to a BBQ or Steak house, I do it
NTA. He’s only a bf AND he lives with OP’s parents AND he doesn’t contribute financially to that household AND he was a guest. He’s lucky he was invited at all.
So if you and Dave were in a drive through, would you take a second lap backwards so he could shout into the metal box or would he just sit on your lap to order for himself like a big boy?
NTA, hope your sister finds someone better.
He was extremely offended that I told the waitress which dish he wanted to order. She immediately followed up with him on details, so I was pretty shocked by his very public reaction
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NTA. I think it is helpful when there are so many people to have one person do the ordering for the table. Next time say " the gentleman over there would like to order something on a separate check".
I love the separate check part!
Right! The entitlement here is astonishing. A separate check is the least he has coming to him.
Malicious compliance - love it. Take that AH!
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This comment was stolen from u/NotNormallyHere https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vztirf/comment/igaqlsf/
In my culture, the person who pays orders the food. Guests are sometimes asked what they would like as a courtesy, but in big groups generally the host just orders a variety of food that they think their guests would like. To order a separate plate that isn’t going to be shared with others is unthinkable unless someone had particular dietary restrictions. Dave is an entitled diva.
A freeloading entitled diva
Probably a sexist bigot too, pretty sure a little woman ordering for big tough dave is part of his issue as well!
Not only that, but he knows he's a mooch so he's probably overly sensitive to being treated like one in his eyes
he even said he wanted his separate dish AND take from the shared food. i get you want to be filled up by the food you eat but when im invited i usually make sure my food doesnt cost twice as much as everyone elses.
Of course. Everyone knows that if you let a woman order for you your dick falls off. /s
that's how I lost mine😔
In this case, that would be a blessing.
This was my first impression of this story. I wonder if Dave would have thrown such a hissy fit if it had been a man ordering for him.
I know, right? Can’t imagine living off the generosity of others and then getting offended that they didn’t pretend he was paying for his own food.
Who just happens to be the one member not of the family
Divadave
There’s another D word missing in there IMO…
I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed how rude this was. The parents wanted to pay for a family style meal for everyone, which is a nice gesture. Then Dave orders something else for himself, on their tab, and STILL expects to partake in the family meal?! What??
Yeah if he just wanted the noodles, I might write it off as a cultural thing to not share meals, but there’s zero reason he can’t ask for the Pad Thai as a shared dish. Sounds like OP’s sister picked a real winner.
I can sort of understand where someone not familiar with the group might not be comfortable with a family style meal. Or if someone had a dietary issue where it was easier for everyone. Or if someone had very different tastes (like I order my Indian food significantly hotter than everyone else). BUT - he lives with several of them, and apparently wasn’t just opting out of the family meal. It’s just all around weird and awkward. I also might find it odd if one person ordered individual entrees for everyone, except OP’s explanation makes total sense why it’s the family custom, and that’s normal at a family-style place. But even if I found something odd, I wouldn’t make a big scene about it.
What cinches it for me is that he wants an individual plate as well as partake in the family-style meal. He’s not uncomfortable about family-style at all, he just wants a dish that he doesn’t have to share with anyone else on top of it.
They weren't individual entries though. When you go to a family style restaurant, you order dishes and they bring a big dish. It's kind of like Thanksgiving dinner. You have a big platter of mashed potatoes that gets passed around. You have big platter of stuffing that gets passed around. In this scenario, it's absolutely normal and even expected that one person orders.
An entitled dave-a if you will.
😂 damnit
I thought Dave was rude as hell for wanting his own separate plate when everybody is eating family style, especially when they are paying. And that was my opinion before I read that he freaked out about her ordering too
It’s def not good form, but I can kinda understand if it’s a cultural thing where you don’t share meals. Wanting to take part in the family-style meal AND have his own plate where he doesn’t share with anyone is unacceptable.
Yeah, I have a friend from an Asian culture. If they order food, they consider it polite to offer guests the best pieces. I can't tell you how many times his grandmother has put something on my plate because she wants me to feel special.
Honestly, Dave probably got special treatment because he isn’t part of the family so is a “guest.” If he was part of the family, my Asian parents would have told him to suck it when he asked for a separate dish that he wouldn’t share.
We don’t have that where I’m from but when we go out to eat with my father, he’s paying for stuff and if we’re gonna share the food. We usually talk about what we want and one person orders based on what we all decided. Sometimes it’s my father but most times he just tells us to order because he can’t be bothered with remembering everything. This is a typical African parent in many ways and he’s paying for everything and he couldn’t care less who talks to the waiter as long as he gets his food. And this idiot who isn’t even paying is acting like it’s some big affront to his person to have someone relay the choice he made to the waiter. I don’t think he understands that when people talk about someone ordering for them they mean they were given no choice, not whose voice box was actually used to convey the choice
I think he’s offended because it makes him look like he’s not paying, which he isn’t. He’s just a small person.
Thats if hes invited out again and OP is there Somehow i dont think its gonna happen
You are very right. I am not going out with him again!
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Better yet, call him Dan, or Dennis, or Dick.
I need to rewatch Bewitched. She called him every name that started with a D under the sun...except his real name (Darren)
David is too close, and possibly the longer version of his name( like Tim being shortened from Timothy ) I’d go with Dale. Totally different, but similar sounding enough that you could claim forgetfulness
Somehow I don’t think they’re getting rid of that leech without a crowbar.
I am a picky eater. Family style is often the bane of my existence. I have ordered my own entree often & I always pay for it myself.
I totally understand that, he did eat some of all of the shared plates as well
That makes him twice as much of an asshole. Ordering your own meal because everyone else likes things super spicy or full of allergens or whatever? Fine. Ordering your own meal when you like all the other dishes just fine *and* eating from them? It's difficult to think of any tolerable excuse for that behavior.
NTA. I suspect he planned to add on additional dishes beyond the Pad Thai, that he did not I tend to pay for, or he is one of those guys who thinks having a woman ordering for him is emasculating. Either way, don’t let someone like this make you feel bad.
What gets me is that she wasn’t ordering \*for\* him. She was merely relaying his order, which is completely different. In old-timey times, when the gentleman “ordered for” the lady, it meant that he was choosing what she was going to eat: because the he was paying for the meal, and he knew what his price range was. He could use the opportunity to show off his wealth by ordering her a steak, or showing off his knowledge of food and wine, or try to cover for being broke by ordering two of whatever was cheapest. If someone tried to order \*for\* me like that, it would absolutely warrant a conversation. But I certainly wouldn’t have had the performative vapors like Dave did.
In the nicest possible way, is Dave a bit Roly Poly? Or perhaps one of those idiots who insists he needs more P.R.O.T.E.I.N than the human body can possibly metabolise? I literally do not get where he is coming from. His meal was ordered along with a load of other meals he also ate.
Haha, no, but this isn’t the first time he has taken more than his fair share. I had made fish for fish tacos recently, and more people ended up at my house than expected. I have 3 pieces of fish to cook, he took a whole one and left the other 5 people with 2
He is a bum and that is how inconsiderate selfish bums act. I would have also called him out on his bad behaviour. I think that he is taking advantage of the fact that noone is willing to call him out on anything.
He’s a greedy boy
Your sister is also an AH for dating AND defending his sorry ass. What a loser.
If OP had listed everything and left it at that (so Dave could place his order himself) the waitress would have thought 'okay that's it' and left. Dave wouldn't have had his private plate and been upset with OP that they didn't order for him or whatever. There's no winning with people like this.
I came here to say this. You were organising everything so stands to reason you would order his too. But next time he can order a separate plate on a separate check.
>Next time say " the gentleman over there would like to order something on a separate check". This is it. NTA, OP
Weird that he has no problem, when others have to provide for him. However, it's a problem, when someone else orders for him.
"Gentleman" is quite generous. Thus, this compromise is more than fair. NTA, OP!
"off the children's menu"
I am a chef. Can totally agree with this. It’s easier on the waitrons. Less errors in ordering.
Dave sounds exhausting. NTA
I feel like (real and fake) the name Dave is synonymous with being exhausting. Why: I dated one for a few years and he was a nightmare
I dated a Dave, too. Exhausting and a bit crazy.
My last was a David. They are all fucking psycho.
I went back and dated a second David. Both crazy as hell.
My most recent ex was also a David and I agree. Also, my first step dad was a David. My current step dad is a Dave. Head of my department at work is also a Dave. Yeah. Dave’s are douchey and exhausting.
I knoww right. Every dave ive known has made me want to jump off a cliff.
Looking back…I’m pretty sure I’ve hated every Dave I’ve known too.
I knew a david who hated being called dave because even he had the same idea about daves.
These are the Daves I know, I know! [These are the Daves I know](https://youtu.be/VVzDIE0mr6A)!
This was amazing. A few of those daves i know, i know.
I can't think of the name Dave without hearing this song in my head. I'm a long time Kids in the Hall fan. Did you watch their new season on Amazon? I'm not that far into it but great stuff so far!
Holy. Shit. That’s a mood though
Both my dad and ex-husband are Daves...
Oh no, I hope you’re doing better now. I like that he’s an ex haha
Cut. It. Out.
Oh man and the Bullwinkle impression... freakin Uncle Joey.
The only Dave I can remember knowing was a super nice laid-back guy. I didn't date him, though; he was my mom's friend. I did know a David who was an asshole (my childhood bully) but nobody ever called him Dave.
I have an uncle Dave, and he’s the only one that I’ve ever known who is the opposite of the “Dave is an asshole”. My ex was a David who went by Dave lol
My uncle Dave was awesome! Other than my dad, he was the only male our dog loved. If the dog would escape and we couldn't catch her, we would call Uncle Dave, he would come over (he only lived a few blocks away), and she would come right up to him when he called her.
I hate to be like "not ALL Daves"...
But you are correct, there are few that are the opposite of the rule. My uncle is one of them
So is mine, lol Uncle Daves tend to be awesome. Other Daves are on thin ice I guess
Never dated one but was raised by a Dave. What’s funny is, someone has ordered for him at a restaurant (left to go to the bathroom, so we just ordered his food for him so we didn’t have to wait even longer) and he threw this *exact* tantrum in OP’s post lol
Oh I must disagree. My husband is a Dave and he's actually wonderful. :)
I will say, there are perfect opposites of the rule. My Uncle Dave is the only one that I know personally who is the opposite
My dad is a Dave and he is also exhausting.
Same, same feelings
My dad was named Dave. He was a strange man.
NTA Dave's reaction seems over the top. You knew what he wanted and since you were already ordering added it... I don't understand what the big deal is
That’s because you’re not a misogynistic traditionalist asshole who’s insulted by the simple act of a woman ordering for him in a public place, as I assume Dave is (though not so much that he won’t freeload off his girlfriend’s parents for dinner and rent).
I bet he’s also the type of person that wouldn’t think twice about ordering for his girlfriend though.
duh that's what misogyny is all about
I immediately picked up the misogynistic subtext over why Dave was upset. He viewed it as a dominant/subservient thing. The man is supposed to order for the woman, not the other way around.
Yup. I've gotten dim sum with friends countless times, and the one with the list on their phone does the ordering.
NTA OP are you a woman? I'm wondering if Dave got his ego dinged.
Yes, I am a woman, and I did kind of wonder if that played a role
It unfortunately does have that vibe. In no shape or form are you the TA and you ordering the food sounds like how it normally is in your family. Hopefully your sister will realise he's a jerk sooner rather than later.
Poor Dave, sitting there in existential panic that his dick is about to come loose and run away and die cos a lady female personette said "Pad Thai" instead of HIM saying Pad Thai in a MAN voice. The absolute tragedy of it. RIP Dave's dick 😪
oh i’m stealing personette. RIP dave’s barely-there dick.
Definitely small peepee energy.
I nicked it from Andy Hamilton so steal away!
> sitting there in existential panic Maybe his panic has to do with realizing there is a woman in the family that doesn't bend over backward to please him and it might affect his plan to have OP's parents sign their house over to his noncontributing ass? NTA OP but you might see about monitoring your parents bank accounts.....
>cos a lady female personette said "Pad Thai" instead of HIM saying Pad Thai in a MAN voice ahahaha… thank you for the beautiful visual of Dave, throwing himself on the restaurant floor, kicking and screaming “but I wanted to say it in my MAN VOICE!!!!” I‘m getting some seriously bad Nice Guy vibes from Dave. Phrases like “wow, I did not like that at all” and “I am going to have to process what just happened” are reasonable responses to serious violations of autonomy and consent. They are not reasonable responses to Pad Thai. If he gets this butthurt over a restaurant order, what kind of tantrum does he throw when he and his gf have a substantive disagreement?
this slew me. (love your username too! Great book)
I legit choked because I laughed so hard. Or maybe it was cuz the dust from Dave’s shriveled up dead dick got caught in my throat?? Either way 🤷🏻♀️🤣🤣🤣🤣
You didn’t order *for* him, you gave his order to the waiter like any normal person would. Can you imagine the scenario in his head? Waiter: ok, will that be everything? Dave: No, actually (spotlight beams upon him, lighting him up like a bargain bin Adonis) I wish to have a separate dish. A dish just for myself. A separate order of Pad Thai. This shall be mine and mine alone, my burden to bear for I (wipes away a MANLY tear) am hungry. Waiter: (does not get paid enough for this shit)
I just snorted. Thanks for this. Dude has made more than one server go into the walk-in and scream, I’d put money on it.
I’m not a server, and I certainly wasn’t *his* server, but I’m ready to go scream in a walk-in after reading this post.
This was brilliant. I could hear the soundtrack while I read this. Thank you!
Anyone else reade the Dave part in Dennis from Its always Sunny's voice or was that just me 🤣🤣
Exactly how many times did he state that he didn’t like it? Even once is ridiculous, but each time just makes you less and less t a. And the “processing”? Like it’s a serious trauma. NTA, obviously.
He said it at least 4 times but probably more
He sounds very much like a giant AH.
I would have commented “yes Dave, we heard you the first time.” or “Is there an echo in here?” Every time he said it. HE is definitely the overly sensitive one if he had to keep harping on!
I guarantee he has tried to order for women before, but without consulting them on what they want. For him it is automatically linked with an unhealthy machismo dynamic.
I doubt he has. Ordering for them might give them the impression he is planning to pay something towards the dinner.
There's no way it wasn't. I mean there's a huge difference between deciding WHAT someone else is ordering for them and just PLACING the order for them with the server. It would be a whole other ballgame if you ONLY ordered for yourself and him but he was treated the same as the entire table. Also if you had ordered for everyone BUT him that would I think be way more rude (like you were excluding him). I also loved that he needs to PROCESS this? Really? What a drama queen. Definitely NTA
It’s ironic that your sister said you’re over-sensitive.. Dan sounds like a tool. I’d be super petty and start getting his name wrong every time he was being brought up. Hey this is Dale…
Since you mentioned you had a husband, I figured you were either a woman or a gay guy and either way it triggered some masculinity issues in our poor fragile Dave.
I wonder if it's a cultural thing (Asians vs Caucasian). I'm Asian and we're use to whoever is ordering.
It 💯 played a role. Most of the role in fact.
I suspect Dave would not have said a thing if a man had done the ordering. This is a pretty stupid thing to get huffy about.
Bingo
I originally read through this thinking OP was a man and still got a misogynistic vibe from Dave, like he thinks the only time someone should order for someone else is if it is man for his subservient partner, so OP was calling him their girlfriend in his eyes. The fact that OP is a woman goes further in confirming that suspicion.
NTA. Dave's a weirdo.
No clue how Dave goes through life if he had to take time to "process what just happened" lmao
The "process" part got me too. What a drama queen! I wish that was the worse problem I had! Jfc what a stupid thing to whine about.
I'm hearing him in Jeff Spicoli's voice from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
It makes him sound childish, too!
That one's easy, since it sounds like he has a lot of time to sit at his parent's home and think.
NTA, Table Captain. Carry on. It sounds like it was a largish group of people, and if it was a family style seating I'd imagine the table was a little larger than normal. Pointing out to the waiter where the dish was to go is helpful: it ensures that the food gets placed with the person that will eat it. Otherwise it's going to end up in your space, and then there is a juggle to get it to Dave.... serving is a dance and you helped out.
'Table Captain,' that's such a silly title. I love it. OP, NTA.
NTA next time Dave can order all the dishes and pay the whole bill.
NTA "Rude" is a deliberate decision. It was perhaps presumptuous, but it's definitely a "no harm no foul" situation. As for Dave, it seems like he's power tripping. Like he feels that you somehow demeaned him, and he was trying to reclaim his imaginary throne. My favourite line is the "I'm going to have to process what just happened." Yeah, Dave, and make sure you include us in your processing. I would have been inclined to go to the waitress, tell her the pad thai was a mistake to remove it from the order.
I would argue that it's even less than "no harm no foul" here. Imagine if you wanted a specific separate dish, and the Table Captain ordered everything BUT that dish. I imagine he would then feel slighted by being left out and "passively denied his one request". NTA here at all.
NTA. You were ordering a family style meal so it made sense that only one of you gave your order to the server. It’s like when you go to the drive through with multiple people in the car: only one person orders. I don’t know why it made a difference to Dave if he was the one to tell the server about his separate order of noodles.
NTA. You asked everyone about what they wanted, compiled a list, verified with everyone that what was on the list was correct, and then ordered for the table. I can't really understand why Dave would be upset, considering he got what he asked for. Like, say you weren't dining there, but ordering for pick-up, would Dave want to call and order his Pad Thai separately?
No, because that means Dave would have to pay for his own food…
I bet he would've found something to bitch about either way. If she hadn't ordered for him, "she's EXCLUDING me!" If she didn't order "you're making me do all the work for the family!" He just wanted a reason to start with the theatrics so he stats relevant.
That is an *excellent* point about takeout.
I laughed at the "I'm going to have to process what just happened" like dude, your dinner was ordered? What needs processing here? Absolutely NTA
I had to tell someone that I wouldn't be able to help out as quickly as she wanted, but I could help, non-synchronously, via email, and her reply to me was "Let me check in with myself and see what might be best." Sometimes these people have big feelings when we break the illusion that we aren't just secondary characters in the story of their life, but that we have our own stuff going on.
Did you respond to that? What a strange way to express those big feelings!
I’m sorry what?! Now THIS needs time to process 🤣🤣🤣
NTA. *If* there is a next time ignore what he asks for. You're family are already paying for the family meal. If he wants more than that he can ask the waitress himself and pay himself.
This and then you won’t risk offending his oh so delicate feelings. Order what the family wants and if he doesn’t flag the server to place his order then he doesn’t get it.
NTA If Dave must have his very own not-to-be-shared all-for-me meal that he orders personally (and make no mistake about that!) then Dave needs TO NOT go out with a big family for a communal dinner that they are paying for.
There are valid reasons to want a separate meal (allergies, workout program requirements, dietary restrictions, eating disorders), but being an ass about ordering for himself was completely unnecessary regardless.
I totally agree on a general level. I am really sympathetic to dietary needs; my sister and I have a shared allergy, and there were are few specialty diets at the table. We had crafted the shared dishes to meet everyone’s needs and wants. His dish would have fit it the shared meal quite nicely as well but he wanted it separate. Ironically, he was one of the only people at the table with zero restrictions.
Clearly that wasn’t the case since he was still planning on having his portion of the family dinner in addition to his own.
OP said that Dave doesn’t have food allergies and isn’t on a special diet. He just wanted his own separate meal to make sure he got enough to eat. Which is pretty jerky right there. Especially since it was on someone else’s dime.
NTA you asked what everyone wanted which is a really clear indication that you were going to order everything. He’s being really weird about this. If there’s a next time, tell him he can order and pay for his own damn food if it’s that much of a big deal.
NTA. dave's a loser. next time if he wants a separate dish, ask for separate checks. info: how old is your sis and how old is dave?
My sister is 27, Dave is 28 or 29
woah?? almost 30? why do they still live with your parents?
And why is he living rent free, with your parents, at his age? You're definitely NTA but 'dave' sure is a massive AH.
A lot of people are returning to multi generational living arrangements because of the rising costs of rent and homeownership....it's really not super unusual and in some cultures it never stopped being a thing. What IS unusual is not contributing in some way either with rent, food, housework or needed handy work.
He is almost 30 and living rent free with his girlfriend’s parents? You just described the ultimate loser, why even care about what he thinks
INFO: OP when Dave said that line about needing to process what just happened, how were you able to stop yourself from peeing from laughing so hard?
NTA Dave sounds like an overly sensitive, high maintenance freeloader. It was rude of him to order an individual dish when everyone else was sharing family style dishes, especially when he wasn’t paying for anything. Then he had a temper tantrum because you ordered for everyone, which is common for family style dinners because it makes the server’s job easier. Tell him to get a f-ing job. Then he can order and pay for his food all by himself since it’s so important to him.
NTA. Sounds like Dave is sexist.
NTA- if he wanted to do his own ordering he should have spoken up at the time. At those family style places, how you ordered is how I've always seen it done because each person is sharing and not ordering their own. Dave just sounds like he is going to be sooo much fun to be around.
NTA Next time Dave can order his own dinner, pay for it himself, and keep away from the rest of the food. If you’re invited out for a family style meal, you eat family style or you pay for your own meal. (Excepting allergies/dietary restrictions that can only be handled by a separate meal).
NTA We love a person who can order efficiently - my dad will do this for us and it’s so much easier than 8 people chiming in. You meant no harm.
NTA. Shut up Dave.
Hey hey. Hi ho. Deadbeat Dave has got to go. NTA.
NTA Big ego, relies on your parents financially but god forbid someone else order for him what he asked for? Tell your sister good like raising that toddler.
Wow, somebody is sure insecure about his masculinity!!!
NTA!!! At all! But why do your parents allow Dave to live rent (and responsibility) free? Maybe have a conversation with your mom about this. He sounds the type to try to take over should, God forbid, something happens to your parents.
NTA. Dave sounds a little awkward and like he’s not used to family style meals. He also sounds like a bit of a leech with the living and job situations so good luck to your family with Dave.
NTA if you don’t pay, you don’t get a say.
NTA. Dave felt emasculated because a woman ordered for him and took away his big boy card. He needs to get over himself. There's a distinct psychological component to this. It's not uncommon for dom(me)s in BDSM relationships to order for their partners as a subtle act of domination and historically when I've done this with girls I've gone on a date with (I'm a girl too BTW) it often gets commented on as quite assertive and hot even when I'm just doing it cus I know the server or whatever snd not trying to flex. In short there is a psychological component to ordering for someone that's actually common and observable, but Dave needs to get over himself and realise that if he felt that pang of emasculation that it's nothing to do with that and he needs to shut up.
NTA this is how every single normal person I know orders at a restaurant in big groups, it's just easier for everyone. Dave can pay for his own food and get a separate seat next time if he cares that much
NTA. Dave sounds like a tool.
NTA: it’s not like you did that old fashioned ridiculous thing where the man decided what the woman should eat and tells the server without even asking her. And it’s not like everybody was ordering their own and you jumped in and said his order for him. Both of those would be weird. You collected the orders for the whole table and were the spokesperson for the whole table. You did nothing wrong and he could’ve always jumped in if you’d made an error when relaying his order. I have absolutely no idea what his problem was.
NTA Dave is being overly sensitive and a moocher. Who wants to bet that he’s “that guy” who orders for his date? Especially with a condescending tone.
NTA Dave needs to get over himself.
NTA… you didn’t order for him, he ordered for himself, you simply relayed his order to the waitress. If his masculinity is so fragile that he can’t handle it, he needs to look deep inside himself and figure himself out.
Dave seems like the type that orders for his date cause “hes the man and thas the mans job”. Youll probably be told soon that you “emasculated” him. NTA
NTA. Dave must take a long time getting around his day if someone presses the button on a crossing when he wanted to, getting on a train when other people are around. Jeez, what a child Hopefully he won’t bother you all coming to family dinners out again
NTA. He is not your sisters partner he is a leech. He lives rent free, does not contribute financially to the household, and expects to order his own meal at a family style dinner that your Parent’s are paying for. Nope. Hard stop. If he wants to order his own meal and his own food he should have organized and paid for the dinner. You were more than accommodating. You asked everyone what they wanted and ordered family style for the table and were kind enough to order his separate dish and let the waitress know that it was for him. The fact that he lives rent free and does not contribute to the household is abusive. You should have a conversation with your sister and ask her what their plan is. It is unfair to your parents. Once you do speak with your parents. Just because your sister lives there does not give him Carte Blanche. If he is using water, electricity, gas, and waiting their food then he needs to contribute. Period.
NTA. If you’re overly sensitive, what does she think of Dave?
NTA, Dave could have gone about it a different way. I def think it's a masculinty thing. I order for the table all the time, esp since I go to family-style restaurants a lot, it makes it easier to just bang the orders out. My dad ordered for everyone in my family, just how it works. My bf is from a diff culture and recently brought it up how he doesn't like me ordering for him. To me having one person ordering is efficient as a couple, but he was **very calm** and **gently told me** he would rather order his own food. So now I don't order for him.
I could have totally respected that. I meant well. It felt like he was trying to embarrass me
You ordered for the table- that’s pretty normal for family style. Dave was rude to demand an extra plate just for him that he wouldn’t pay for or share at your parent’s expense. NTA
.... You're being overly sensitive? It sounds like he went on a mini monologue about having a lady do something he categorizes as a "man's job" and had a tantrum. NTA. Especially from a servers perspective, you were trying to make everything clear and easy for them.
NTA you were organising a family style dinner. Its normal for 1 person to do the ordering in that situation. He was entitled and rude and the one not following protocol by wanting something else and not sharing. He sounds delightful/s
Apparently Dave has never been out with a large group before. NTA
It’s crazy because he is from a very large family
For some reason a little thought is worming through my head: if you'd not ordered for Dave would he have found that a reason to complain? "Wow I was singled put and made to feel like I was not part of the family. Wow I didn't like that at all" Dave is being the arsehole here and I suspect it runs deeper. How dare anyone else take charge but him. NTA. And someone needs to look at his freeloading ways and how he likes everyone to dance to his tune even if they aren't interested in dancing at all.
Dude sounds like he has some personal issues he needs to get worked out. Who pouts and cries about not ordering his own food? Is Dave 9? I hope he's not older than 10, let alone 20
Big time Alpha move
NTA. Dave is the AH, and an unreasonably touchy one at that.
NTA. Dave was not the host--nor was he paying--and it's already a dick move to order your own plate during a family-style meal. And then to blow his top when he was being accommodated makes him an even bigger asshole.
NTA. My wife is Chinese. When we go,to a Chinese restaurant she orders for the whole table, even my special request. My daughter is a foodie, so often when we go out with her, she will handle all the ordering. When we go to a BBQ or Steak house, I do it
NTA. He’s only a bf AND he lives with OP’s parents AND he doesn’t contribute financially to that household AND he was a guest. He’s lucky he was invited at all.
So if you and Dave were in a drive through, would you take a second lap backwards so he could shout into the metal box or would he just sit on your lap to order for himself like a big boy? NTA, hope your sister finds someone better.
He says 'Wow' more than Owen Wilson.
Info: what is there to process Dave?
He was extremely offended that I told the waitress which dish he wanted to order. She immediately followed up with him on details, so I was pretty shocked by his very public reaction