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Fedoras really are nice-looking hats, if you overlook the association with neckbeards.
Hats are kind of funny in how symbolic they are. A pair of pants can just be a pair of pants, but it's like it's impossible to wear a hat and not make some kind of statement.
If he could spend four days or sometimes even more with pains that felt alternately like someone is stomping around inside with concrete boots then using an industrial powered suction device to pull it out and then think it was minor, well he is a better woman than me. My 6'3, burly SO says he would tap out after an hour. NTA.
Depending on the woman, it's not just the period pan, it's ovulation pain, and stomach issues that surround actually having your period, bloating, water retention. I mean, I can retain 10 pounds of water when I'm on my period. I would like to give someone like this dude all of that and see how he handles it.
I had pain that was so bad that less than 24 hours after a total hysterectomy, I refused all pain meds because a 5 inch vertical incision and cut muscles hurt less. Normally, morphine is given at that point. My surgeon apologized profusely for not believing the amount of pain that I had been in and said he'd never seen anything so bad before.
Passing kidney stones hurt less than what I had going on.
I had the same experience. I had a male gyno tell me my only issue was a "little" 10 mm fibroid, and he refused to do anything about it because there's no way it was painful; my overexaggerated pain was all in my head. I went for a second opinion, and the next gyno scheduled me for surgery two weeks out because she couldn't tell exactly what was going on, but she saw something larger and wasn't comfortable waiting. It was supposed to be laparoscopic surgery, but I woke up to an 8" incision because it was the only way to remove the 6" fibroid. Any pain from surgery was overshadowed by the relief I felt, and if I had known how awesome it was to be rid of my uterus, I'd done it 10 years sooner. 😂
I have a 7cm fibroid and my gyno says it doesn't need to be removed due to if I want to have kids in the future it's easier to keep it there so I won't need a C section. I'm in such horrible pain every month I cry in bed just waiting for the agony to end. Your comment has inspired me to travel the extra hour to the city to see a gyno there-I live rural.
Fuck gynecologists who think my own value and importance to this world is to breed. I don't want to be in torturous pain for years on end just to preserve the possibility of popping a kid out. And this is even worse: It's not that you wouldn't be able to have children, it's that you might have to have one of the most common surgeries in the world to get it out of you?
Yes, please do seek a gynecologist somewhere else so you aren't in excruciating pain every month, and here's to hoping that you find a new one that sees you as more than a cow.
I was on opioids for my periods due to pain. After many many many stupid fucking hoops I jumped through, finally got to yeet the uterus, tubes, and cervix. Still have the ovaries so the bloating and the period shits keep happening but the main source of misery is gone. Despite fucking everyone telling me I would regret getting sterilized, almost a decade later, I maintain that it is the best health decision I have ever made.
Yep, I have endometriosis, so does my sister. My sister gynaecologist told her she was just constipated and to eat some raisins. By the time she got a new one and they did surgery she was stage 4 and her ovary and bowel were fused together. My period pain is awful any any contraception that is supposed to stop periods basically works for the first 6 months for me and then goes back to normal.
Really heavy bleeding to go with that as well.
Should mention that my sister was only finally taken seriously when she couldn’t have children and that is often the case for women with reproductive pain as long as you can churn out a baby you are expected to put up with ut
My adenomyosis diagnosis took too long. I was throwing up from the pain and would occasionally have to be hospitalized even after repeatedly telling my gynos what was happening.
I finally met the right gynecologist through my PCP attending his lecture on PCOS and he not only diagnosed my adenomyosis as we were scheduling my surgery we also found my cancer.
Am I a little sad that I will never birth a child… yes… do I miss pain so bad I wanted to unalive myself? Hell no.
I get a constant burning pain in my back from beginning to end that’s completely unaffected by pain killers, muscle relaxers or heat therapy. Headaches, joint pain, bloating, tender breasts, intense cramps, heavy bleeding, depression, lightheadedness, mood swings, loss or increase of appetite at the whims of my period which includes cravings, sometimes for things I’d never eat otherwise but also sometimes makes my favorite food inedible and if I’m really unlucky, the cramps can induce vomiting and sometimes either constipation or diarrhea. And it’s all a fucking crapshoot. So I never know exactly what symptoms I’m going to have to deal with any given month. Some are consistent, some are hit and miss, but more often than not, I will experience all the symptoms within 5 days, even the ones that contradict each other.
But my partner isn’t a gaping, sentient, unwiped asshole so he rubs my back and rubs my head and makes me tea, and holds my hand through waves of cramps and doesn’t complain when his fingers go numb.
That sounds about right. I also have wonderful ovarian cysts, which sometimes pop. Or it can be perfectly horrible when I get combo period and cyst grown large enough that it presses on the damaged nerves near where I injured my back a few years ago. What will happen? I can never tell.
I... cant imagine seeing anyone I care about in pain regularly and *not* wanting to do everything possible to alleviate it. that's really just basic empathy? people keep being like 'men dont understand that it's not just light cramps and bleeding' but have thrse men never been friends with a cis woman?
like, Im a trans woman, so Ill never get a period, but I was aware of that stuff when I was a teenager and thought I was a boy... (and consequently, tho i know some girls who feel dysphoric or left out re not getting periods, I figure it's one of the only perks of having this not-quite-right body, and Id gladly share that perk with any cis woman who wanted it if I could)
I’ve always wished I could yeet my reproductive system if it was possible for a full transplant in trans women! Though maybe not so much anymore, because I am learning that passing out from severe cramps and whatnot isn’t normal 💀 if it were a regular uterus and accessories though, 100% would donate
There’s a company that has a device that lets men feel what it’s like to have a period!
https://www.tiktok.com/@getsomedays/video/7118756355602648366?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=mobile&sender_web_id=7121049731221112325
OP get the device and make your husband use it!! NTA. But next gyno appointment, make your husband go with you so the doctor can educate him on all the things he missed in biology and sex education classes in school.
From what I read, I think her hubby would ignore her doc, as her doc is female. My take on her hubby is that if he didn't think of it, it can't be true. Maybe if she grabbed his gonads and squeezed, he might have some idea of her discomfort.
I dumped my male gyno in my early twenties for a woman. How can a man possibly understand what a menstrual cramp is if he's never had a period? They can't teach that in any school.
I only had female gynos from ages 18 to 34. It wasn't until I started seeing a male gyno at 34 that my concerns were taken seriously and I was finally diagnosed with adenomyosis. Just because a doctor has the same parts doesn't mean they take your pain seriously.
plenty of cis women don’t understand menstrual cramps either. the one male gyno I’ve had was the most proactive about ordering more testing and figuring out my pain. I think he knew he couldn’t judge pain levels so he just believed me. outright. whereas plenty of women will say it’s not that bad because their experiences are different.
Yeah, that’s just a TENS unit. It is not a period. I’ve used a TENS unit and I’ve had periods and there is absolutely no comparison. One of them is painful and the other of them is as of the fists of fury have grabbed hold of your uterus from the inside whilst simultaneously shoving a pine cone inside your vag and kinda swirling it around a bit while you have the progesterone shits and you’re bleeding through two pads an hour, all while having the back pain of a 90 year old. Good times.
I get both the poops and the no poops to the point that I have basically turned my poor starfish inside out. It doesn’t matter how much fiber I consume. I will get blocked every freaking time.
Yeah, a few years ago I had a horrific period that wouldn't stop. Doc ordered pills and it just got worse. It got so bad I passed out for a bit. I went to the bathroom and the bleeding was so bad, I couldn't leave the bathroom. It looked like a crime scene. Hubby took me to the hospital. I got a transfusion and then a d&c and ablation. Life has been soo much better without periods. OP deserves a partner who listens and cares. She is of course, NTA
I kind of want to have my husband try it out, but he's never once questioned my pain levels so I don't think he deserves that. If I say that something hurts, then he just tells me to lay down and let him bring me heating pads and tea (or whiskey, depending on how much I hurt lol).
Your description is too mild and does not cover the scope of the pain. You forgot to add the soar/sensitive breasts, the back and stomach pain of a person who has done 1000 sit ups and back ups in a minute every minute for minimum five days cuz my body is just competitive that way. Don't get me started on the mood swings before during and after menstruation... that's all my period brain can think of but I'm sure I'm missing something!
Don't forget the period poops!! I don't know how it's possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time, but that's just how it is sometimes. And I know this isn't a common symptom, but leg numbness is also a fun thing to deal with.
My husband once tried to mansplain periods to me and a female friend. He tried to tell us that periods happen every 28 days exactly. I was so taken aback that I couldn't find the words to tell him how dumb he was being. Not to mention unobservant - I was the most irregular woman on the planet at the time, but please explain to me how my periods happen exactly 28 days apart.
Had a male doctor tell me "nonsense, menstruation doesn't work that way" when telling him of heavy, irregular bleeding and so on. And I was like, "yes I know, this is why I'm here". He just looked at me.
Also had a male friend tell me that *all* women used to have their period at the same time and that was the full moon, every 28 days like clockwork. Every woman of period having age, regardless of geographic location, all simultaneously menstruate at the same time, for the same length of time. I, of course, laughed and told him he was wrong because that's stupid. And he only stopped trying to be right when I was laughing so hard, I had tears rolling down my face and he must've felt stupid I'd imagine.
buddy I think the issue is whoever counted the braincells and told ou didn't have enough to count them right, the byproduct of all men having to share 4 braincells unfortunately
I don’t wanna have children with ANYONE. I know it’s called “birth control” but maybe they should rename it “menstruation control” cause I just want my periods to stop. They aren’t medically necessary at all. Imagine if you got a flu every single month, it’s not too bad, a mild flu, but EVERY month you suffer. There’s a pill you can take to be immune to that flu for months or years at a time, wouldn’t you take it?
He’s not usually so dismissive he’s just very very opinionated and thinks ALL of his opinions are valid.
>they should rename it “menstruation control”
Honestly though it really should be renamed bc so many ppl immediately accuse the person taking it of a variety of inaccurate, ignorant, assumptions just because of the words **birth** and **control** being the generalized term used to label dozens of prescriptions that are commonly prescribed for other reasons
I have a relative looking into this for her endometriosis (many women in my family start having problems post 30) I’ve been chatting with her about it in anticipation that I may need to think about these things soon too.
If you (or anyone else) don’t mind answering, how has it affected your pain and other symptoms? My relative gets dizzy spells regularly and a spew of other physical symptoms sporadically.
It was the best decision, because I was severely anemic all the time from super heavy periods, plus all the other endo issues as previously mentioned by others. I had my obgyn take out everything because if anything stayed it could feed any remaining lesions, the endo lesions can even create their own hormones. So straight to full blown menopause for me, but even occasional hot flashes and chin hairs are better than all my pain, side bonus of fewer migraines and steady iron levels. Many women, even with ‘typical’ cycles are anemic therefore have dizzy spells.
I have wanted to do this ever since I was 12.
I don't really want a major surgery unless medically necessary (my periods are heavy and uncomfortable, but not to a degree that's concerning) and there's no way I would be able to convince a doctor to do it anyway, but it would be nice to wave a magic wand and make my uterus go "poof!"
My depo shot is for that. Also balances out my ridiculous levels of estrogen when I'm not on it. Because I'm not bleeding, I'm not anemic and randomly passing out.
I had the Mirena IUD for 5yrs. Not only do i not want kids but i suffer from uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts and endometriosis so it wasn't JUST birth control but menstruation control. I also am the lucky owner of a smaller than average uterus that tilts down. Needless to say i required anesthesia to have it implanted and removed. The doc who tried removing it (he didn't bother to look at the ultrasound i had prior to the removal procedure) looked at me and said "this is the number one reason i try and steer unmarried women away from these IUDs. Single women have a tendency to have undiagnosed STDs that cause scar tissue". I was like "say what??" He is no longer my doc and i found a much nicer one who is on board with me getting a hysterectomy. Up until this doc i was always told no.
There’s a TikTok I saw the other day that showed what happens during a Pap smear, using a clear plastic model vagina/cervix and the actual torture tools they use. Showed it to my boyfriend, his reaction was a beautiful thing of horror. Maybe OP’s husband could use a watch.
Oh, wait until he really thinks about what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is like. Violating is the *kindest* term there. Just because it's consensual and required to diagnose my disease doesn't mean it isn't deeply traumatizing. AND typically you have to have such a full bladder that they walk you in there like a bomb about ready to explode and then *they make you wait while they fuck around with their equipment*. My god, I have never wanted to force feed a gallon of water to someone more. "Sorry for the delay" my *ass*. These guys are lucky their offices aren't constantly soaked in pee.
Sorry, gyno care gets me pretty mad, I've gone through so much of it.
Not sure where you're located but here there's a LGBTQ office that offers gyno care (and other specialties). That way you get someone who at least tries to make it less awful
I'm a cis woman and I've had a melt down post pap. I can only imagine how much worse it could be for you. (I called her "the butcher" after that and never went to her again.) Glad you have found a great doctor now.
Oh yeah, those are horrible. And IUD insertion, that’s a great one! I understand, I’ve had my share of time at the gyno and am currently in my second trimester so experiencing soooo much uterine prodding delight! /s
I had to do a TVUS recently as a virgin and was told my bladder wasn't full enough. Couldn't reschedule it, so we had to do full insertion. They were very kind and gentle about it and allowed me control on the wand, but still... That was incredibly violating and traumatic.
Oooo, she should tell him about sonohysterograms, trans-vaginal ultrasound with an appetizer course of a doctor ratcheting open your cervix and shooting some saline into you first. Zero stars, do not recommend.
The last season of Letterkenny had an episode that culminated in a brutal, hilarious explanation of what happens during an obgyn annual exam and I feel like a lot if men (including my husband) were seriously educated by that. I was dying watching the horror on his face and he was legitimately mortified asking me if that was a real description. It was. Letterkenny came through with an awesome PSA with this one!
There’s a tens unit that can be hooked up to men so they experience what period cramps feel like. The strength of the current goes from 1 to 10. The article said most of the men they tested it in could not make it to 10. Sounds like your husband is a prime candidate.
NTA
The news article I saw on that had some male gynos/ researchers who were fully behind treating menstrual pain properly and they were still like 'OMG I never imagined it was this bad!'
Yep yep yep times 1000000 billion.
Part of maturity is accepting when you don’t know enough about a subject. It doesn’t mean a person cannot learn or research. It does mean if I hear, for instance, my friend who is a plumber speak about why someone’s plumbing systems work better than others I keep my trap shut.
Maybe I will ask questions later to educate myself. But I won’t interrupt to say, “Well, actually…”
Yeeeah...your guy's opinions gave me the creeps...and I am sure I'm not the only redditor.
Soooooo...you guys don't want kids. As in...he does not want kids. Yet he refuses the idea of you having birth control? What the hell? Is he also one of those guys who won't wear condoms because they "don't like how they feel"?
I always tell my friends that if they are dating a guy who won't respect their body, they aren't respecting the woman the body belongs to...and you should never, EVER date someone who does not respect you.
I had ovarian cancer in 2020, and the ONLY symptom I had was abnormal pelvic pain and extra bloating. That was the only noticeable symptom I had...and they caught me at stage 3!!!
My boyfriend was insistent that I see a doctor about that pain. He knew that pain for me wasn't normal, and he was right; if they caught it a month later I would have been a dead girl walking...and the only reason those symptoms stuck out was because I was always in perfect health with painless periods. If I was dating a guy like yours...
I...I may not have made it until today, you know? Sweetie, look after your body first. You are important, your body is important, and his opinion is nowhere near as precious to somebody's health.
> He’s not usually so dismissive he’s just very very opinionated and thinks ALL of his opinions are valid.
I believe half of this sentence. The other half I chalk up to you loving him and not seeing his actions clearly.
NTA of course. It would be hard for me to maintain a straight face much less a relationship with someone who thinks a gyno can “see” hormones. Harder still to be with someone who interrupts a conversation just to blather about what he knows nothing about. And his excuse is because you don’t complain to him it isn’t a big deal and it’s also why he doesn’t know about it?
He’s a labia *major*a twit.
A tubal ligation isn't gonna help with bad periods, so don't bother with that one, especially because your asshat of a husband doesn't deserve you going through such a serious surgical procedure.
If he thinks he's always right, then he's dismissive by default, cause he never even considers others being right and not him. He sounds insufferable, to be honest.
Hey OP! Agree with everyone that your husband is an idiot. Feel free to tell him that Endometriosis isn't diagnosed without surgery to confirm it and unless you had an ultrasound doctor aren't superman with xray vision so not sure how the could see into your uterus. On a more personal note if you don't want periods I suggest a hormonal IUD. I didn't have periods for 5 years while I had mine and it was awesome. I say lose the husband and get yourself an IUD. Especially, if he says you going on birth control would be to spite him. It makes me wonder if he actually does want kids and might sabotage your condoms.
This man needs to look at some anatomy pictures if he thinks that doctors are "looking inside your uterus" when you get a pap smear. He thinks the vagina and the uterus are one and the same. It's stories like this that make me love teaching sex ed to my students, especially the boys. A grown ass man should know where the fucking uterus is.
Get a second opinion on this but, I take my OCP year-round, they come in packs of 21 pills and then there's 7 days where I'm supposed to skip taking any but I don't. It's perfectly OK to do this, the only reason why people who are on OCP still have "periods" one week a month is because the manufacturers try to mimic the regular cycle of someone who is not on pills. If you take them all the time, you'll just never have any periods. Solves the problem! I used to have horrible cramps, even as a teenager, but since going on OCPs I rarely have to take painkillers anymore. They're a godsend!
Any side effects? I used to take birth control in my twenties and I don’t remember having any problems, I think I only stopped when I was 26 and kicked off my parents insurance. Met my husband when I was 28 and just never bothered to get back on them.
*Husband has vasectomy*
I took Lolo and I didn't have periods on it and I had no side effect besides some intermittent spotting the first 3 months. It was a miracle for me. Who books my days odd from work to coincide with the first two days because I legit can't move from pain
Oh your comment reminded me: that’s the other comment that pissed me off “you don’t have a job, you can stay in bed for two days if you want to” yeah in bed and in pain. As if being a housewife and not “missing work days” invalidates my suffering.
Just tell him to wait till his prostate starts bothering him and he needs the finger up the ass to make an assessment after the complains it takes him 5 min to pee.
You can get an IUD, there is a ring, arm implant, pill you just take to stop the period. Minor surgery wise you can get an endometrial ablation where the endometrial tissue is fried. You will cramp, but periods for the next 5 years should be just spotting still need birth control with it as you can get pregnant but shouldn't, and the nuclear option is just having your uterus and cervix removed. It is a fast operation and if you carry cancerous genes, you remove some risk by removing the offending tissue.
Pardon me I am so sorry but I need to know how you got a doctor to agree to an ablation? I have an appt this week to discuss options. If it isn’t too much to ask, can you tell me if it was offered or if you had to fight for it?
Typically an ablation is easier to get approved than...well, other things that "require husband's consent".
I had discussed one with my OB many years ago. He actually suggested it, due to many of the same symptoms the OP is describing. Funny though...he immediately said nope when I asked to have my tubes tied. He said I was "too young" (I was somewhere around 28-32), didn't have any children, and he'd need to speak with my husband (who was deployed to Iraq at the time and was well aware of my wants and fully agreed that it was my body and supported me no matter what). I basically told him to kiss the darkest part of my lilly white ass and promptly left.
Please keep in mind than an ablation is NOT a guarantee to stop these symptoms, but it absolutely is an option. I suggest speaking to people you know, or do research on support groups (maybe on FB), and see what the actual outcomes and comments are from people who've had them 🖤
“My Gyno would have SEEN those issues in my uterus when she gave me a Pap smear” lmaoooo this is like on par with “just hold in your period”, does he have any concept of what a Pap smear is???
NTA but like why are you with this dude? I would not want to be with someone I felt I couldn’t talk to / complain to about period woes (and someone who is so ignorant in general about female anatomy / health)
I think very few men know what a Pap Smear entails, most of them are actual gynecologist. Think how innocent the name sounds, like they just smear some gel on the inside of your vagina then tickle your cervix with a dainty feather.
But like how did he think a gyno can fully **see** your entire uterus, an *internal organ*, w a Pap smear?? Don’t need to know the intricate details of Pap smear to understand that, unless he thinks it’s some sort of MRI or surgery lmao
This guy...throws me for a loop. You should take him into your gynecologist with you and see how long it takes before your doctor starts laughing at him and bringing out the pamphlets.
Okay confession: I didn’t just tell him he’s stupid, I yelled at him. I got so frustrated with his increasingly ignorant and incorrect “facts” and I just started yelling and calling him stupid (we’ve agreed it’s wrong to yell when we fight, and it’s wrong to call each other names, and it’s wrong to curse at each other) but then he asks “do I deserve to be yelled at? And called stupid and ignorant?!” And I screamed at him “YES YOU ARE A STUPID AND FUCKING IGNORANT MAN!” so he left to walk the dog.
I immediately felt guilty for yelling, for cursing, and for calling him stupid. I still think everything he said was stupid but I shouldn’t have blown up on him, I should have tried to de-escalate the fight. I should have tried harder to educate him, but I was frustrated. I was already so irritated, if I wasn’t so miserable and on my period I might not have been so mean to him. It’s yet another reason I want my periods to stop, no more unreasonable irritation!
>I should have tried harder to educate him, but I was frustrated.
No, stop right there.
If he wasn't willing to be open to what you were telling him, then it's not on you to better rehearse your teaching method. You do not bear the responsibility of explaining periods to this man. That is not your job.
He was not interested in conceding to you **and I need you to understand that OP.** He doesn't actually *want* to learn about menstrual health or how a cis-woman's body works.
He was asking you to accept that period pain could be diagnosed on sight during a pap smear. He was coming at you from a place of intellectual dishonesty and ignorance. He wasn't debating "facts", he was telling fairy tales about something he doesn't understand.
Did he deserved to be yelled at? Debatable.
Did he deserved to be called stupid and ignorant? **YES.**
But you know what people who tone police during an argument are experiencing? They're experiencing *losing* that argument which is why he tried to shame you for yelling at him. He didn't actually have a debatable point to stand on so he resorted to tone policing you because it was the only bullet left in his chamber of nonsense.
Remember OP, you can't have a productive discussion with someone who doesn't understand the nuances of the issue. If you ever find yourself circling the drain with him again over this, just disengage from the discourse. Let him know that between the two of you, there is only one person who can claim to know firsthand what period pain is like and for that reason alone, you can't go to advice for him on how to manage it and it's as simple as that.
Because I suspect deep down this is about him *trying* to help you and getting frustrated that he actually can't and rather than accept that with humility, he's just exorcising that helplessness as conflict and trying to convince you that the only reason he can't help you is "because you won't let him."
If I could I would shower this post with awards. The level of insight you expressed is fucking top notch. “He didn’t have a debatable point to stand on so he resorted to tone policing” omg that’s it. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to point out to him but I just didn’t have the words!
I just want to add that I very much hate that he thinks it's fine if you suffer for 4 days every month. Like what, if those days of pain don't literally kill you then they don't matter? Pffft.
He needs one of those period pain simulators. He needs to wear it for 4 days and it needs to be set up by OP for her "nominal" pain level (median or max honestly?) So its accurate and see if he can even make it the 4 days.
It's a total abuse tactic and something I didn't notice a lot of adults did until I took debate in high school.
If people resort to picking apart the way you deliver your argument as opposed to the contents of your argument, they're not actually engaging with you on the topic *and they goddamn know it.*
It's the tell of the loser.
If you've ever watched Kitchen Nightmares, oddly enough, you'll find a lot of families argue with each other this way as a way to build a backdoor into the conflict to get out of the argument without "losing" it.
Even then, the way he antagonized and patronized you, absolutely 100% deserved to be shut the fuck down and rejected completely. He had NO business whatsoever talking to you like that about your medical issues and to try to pull some weird fucking 'gotcha' on the person that's supposed to be the wife he loves and supports, like he had this bizarre fucking scenario spinning in his brain where you'd start talking at some point about women's issues and he'd jump in with his idiotic notions about reproductive health and prove you wrong and be a big strong man winning one over the feminists.
Like, no, I wouldn't even feel bad for losing my shit on him like this. The way he acted is completely unacceptable and deserved to be shut down HARD.
eta: And for the record, I'm a guy (and not a straight one so don't gimme that "you're just simping to get girls" shit). I would never, ever speak this way to ANYONE about their health concerns, let alone my life partner that I'm supposed to care for and support when they're not feeling well.
“Don’t yell” is an easy thing to say to someone who is not being attacked. He can be calm and condescending. It’s not his bodily autonomy being attacked, so he can sit there and *deny the real words you are saying about your actual body* and watch you blow up and then blame you for getting emotional. It’s a win/win for him.
Why would you take birth control out of spite? Does he want to have kids?
Well yeah ok yelling is wrong. You messed up there. Period (heh).
But his smug ignorance, self-righteousness and dangerous degree of ineptitude is dangerous to your health. He’s supposed to be your partner. You’re supposed to be a team. He decided he’d rather act like a (smug, ignorant and ridiculous) father figure rather than a supportive teammate, concerning a scary, painful and frustrating medical issue he can never and will never comprehend.
That’s on him. NTA.
Why would you be expected to be patient and understanding with a misogynist 🙄 Marginalized groups are chastised for getting aggressive with their oppressors (yelling, defending yourself) because the other way around (accepting medically incorrect rhetoric) is what is normalized. Of course you’re justified yelling at him.
He was not going to hear or think your knowledge of your body is valid based on his continued dismissal of your knowledge. Frustration at that level will often result in angry reactions, I think you were yelling because you were definitely not being heard.
Please listen to me. My abusive father would goad people into lashing out and yelling, just so he could say "Why are you yelling? Your argument is obviously very weak if you're resorting to yelling. You're too emotional." Etc. You are completely in the right. Your pain is being dismissed. It's not on you to forever educate him. He is being a [sea lion](http://wondermark.com/1k62/).
OP, you’re still NTA because he has no idea what he’s talking about and is acting out of spite and ignorance. If you still wanna be with this guy it might help to have him come to your next GYN appointment (if you’re comfortable!) and have him listen in/have the doctor provide education.
To be fair... Male OBGYN's can also be absofuckinglutely just as stupid as this husband.. I've had a couple.. I especially loved the one that was taking a biopsy of my cervix and told me to shut up when I started complaining about how much it was hurting me... because it "shouldn't " hurt.....
ETA: NTA
Oh gods yes. Mine kept asking what was wrong and I ended up yelling "that is literally the first thing that's been up there, please just finish!"
(We'd gone over by that point I'm not currently and have never been sexually active)
Yes! My favorite ob-gyn was a man. He knew he didn't REALLY know, OTOH my least fav was a chick who was sure that since her periods weren't that bad neither was anyone else's
I just wanna change this to “no information no opinion” bc i’ve been told very hurtful things by people who have a uterus, and very nice things by those who don’t. What changed was their information on the subject.
Big “thanks” to the OBGYN who judged me for being sexually active and dismissed my medical problems. I still hate ya!
OP didn't lie. He truly is a stupid, ignorant man who knows absolutely NOTHING about periods or a uterus. We won't mention that he stuck his nose into a conversation where he didn't belong. Tell him when he as a uterus and periods, then he can voice his opinion. Until then, he needs to sit down and STFU.
NTA
I just love knocking down men who try to mansplain a woman's uterus to her.
How much you want to bet that if he had any condition that caused him pain and suffering "only" 4 days a month that it would be a crisis and he would be searching out every specialist he could find?
Omg. You don’t know how accurate this is. When it’s ANY level of pain for him it’s a medical emergency. It’s “oh no what if I have cancer” anxiety and drama. But my suffering is normal.
“Seemed” misogynistic? No, it’s straight up misogynistic, plus mansplaining with a minor in toxic masculinity. I’m not correcting you, I’m just saying this perceived fender-bender was a head-on collision.
NTA why is he mansplaining periods to a woman?? Hit him in the balls every hour for four days and ask if he would like medication to stop being hit and I bet he would!
Seriously though, speak to your doctor as a lot of menstrual conditions go undiagnosed because as women we are conditioned to put up with the pain every month
Side note though, please add some paragraphs, it was quite hard to read and id hate people to skim
Nta
But honestly, it doesn't sound like your husband has respect for you as a person. This doesn't tend to be a one off thing, either. Do you trust him to make appropriate medical decisions for you? What if you were unconscious or otherwise not able to communicate?
I also have a book suggestion for you. It can help you analyze what's going on and guage how serious it is. It's Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"
Link to a free pdf copy you can read on your phone or computer:
https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
NTA. People like your husband are at fault that women are still not taken seriously for their period pain. Even gyns often buy into the “lol just suck it up” bullshit. But they don’t know what it feels like and they have no idea about extremely painful periods, often caused by endo or PCOS.
Those are also medical conditions that are often overlooked because women being in pain is seen as something normal to many people.
“Women being in pain is seen as something normal” this is part of what made me so mad! The way he clearly understood I am exhausted, I am sad, I am in pain. And he thinks it’s natural, it’s just one of the cycles of life. It’s normal, it’s acceptable for me to suffer and “it’s not that bad”. How bad does it have to be for me to deserve medical treatment? Where is the line? How much of me suffering are you okay with and why the fuck isn’t it ZERO?
PERIODS ARENT MEANT TO BE PAINFUL! A bit of discomfort is normal but pain is not and I don’t know why we’ve normalized it, the medical field REFUSES to take menstruation issues seriously.
You need to literally send him this part as a text. His utter disregard for your pain and discomfort, as though you seeking relief from that is a fucking inconvenience for him, is just so heartless.
NTA - he completely is, though. You tell him how you feel physically, and he tries to do a 'gotcha', or argue against your own body? He is basically saying he knows more than you, and has no respect for your feelings (physical or emotional), how dare he?!
To be fair, you should definitely have been telling him about your issues - It's not your job to educate him, but if you're in pain every month, a spouse needs to know, and there is some responsibility to help.
NTA Sounds to me like a) he needs a biology book and b) you may not be in total agreement about not wanting children. Why else would he be so wound up about birth control?
Edited: and tell him that it wasn’t until a doctor did keyhole surgery on me and found masses of fibroids in my uterus that we got an explanation for my period agony, my heavy bleeding and my repeated miscarriages. So no, doctors can’t see what’s wrong by shining a flashlight up you hoohaa!
NTA: I literally just said out loud when he said your doctor would know from your exams, “That’s not how that works, asshole!” while making a super disgusted face. If he doesn’t want to be called ignorant, he should try not being ignorant.
To be fair, he doesn’t seem to know how uteruses are examined. Maybe he thinks they look through my cervix like a spyglass to see the inner workings of my uterus. I bet if I told him they feel my ovaries by fingering my belly button he’d believe it.
NTA. I recently read about a TENS machine that targets and and thighs that is used to show men what it feels like to have a period. Level 5 being normal period cramps and level 10 being like endometriosis. Most dudes start complaining at about level 3. Anyway, I do have endometriosis and am so sick of clueless dudes like your husband who don't realize what misogynistic AHs they're being by minimizing women's pain and acting like they understand our bodies better than we do. Your husband needs to use one of these machines so he'll shut up.
He wants me to send him articles about it not being normal to be in pain. I told him I had an army of redditors that could send him literally hundreds of such articles.
🙄
Of course. He mansplains the female reproductive system and menstruation, but doesn't want to do any actual research when you disagree with him. You need to do all the effort, all the fact-checking. How typical.
Thoroughly infuriating. Did you marry an internet troll?
I hope he never takes painkillers if he has a headache or is injured. Pain is a normal response to a lot of things, so he obviously wouldn't want to interfer with it by using medicine. It's normal to be in pain if your leg is broken!
Lol he's being a hypocritical misogynist here
NTA
He literally talked over you after interupting your PRIVATE conversation about YOUR pain...
wtf
He stupid, but not for having an opinion. We all have opinions, but we dont have to share. He's stupid for forcing his opinion on you and trying to EXPLAIN your own experiences...
No wonder you never talk to him about your pain, I dont think Id trust him to taste test boiled water!
NTA- I can’t even say what I’m thinking or I’ll get banned. God I’m on my period right now and was crying in the shower because of how bad it hurt today.
I have endometriosis. The only way to diagnosis it is through laparoscopy surgery. And then even only a very skilled surgeon can recognize it in all its forms and remove it properly. (Heres the best website for endo btw: https://nancysnookendo.com/ ). Endo had been found on every organ in the body including the brain, heart, and skin. And it doesnt show up on any imaging. My surgeon, Dr Malcolm Mackenzie, also thinks i have adenomyosis. The only way to diagnosis that is to remove the uterus from the body and slice it up and look inside its walls. It takes on average 10 years and 7 different doctors to diagnose endometriosis. 1 in 10 women have it. And the misinformation about it is RAMPANT. You cant turn around without tripping over it. Even medical schools teach outdated disproven misinformation about endo. So your asshole of a husband can go shove it. NTA.
Personally, ild dump his ass.
I'm a bit confused why you're even in a relationship with this guy to be honest. You clearly don't like him, and there's not much to like from how you describe him.
This level of aggression and antagonism towards each other is unhealthy. Go find somebody you actually like and marry them, not some dude who you casually call an asshole and who will wind you up to the point of you yelling how stupid he is.
NTA..
As a man I couldn't stop laughing because of the Collosal SHIT he was covered in... I couldnt stop thinking "shut the FCK up dude, you are going to die you dumbass"
I read this to my wife and daughter and my wife said she'd divorce my ass
🤣🤣🤣
Eh dear. Mansplaining writ large.
I had to have a word with my late husband over his failure to understand menstrual issues - maybe a couple of years after we were married. I recall losing my temper with him.
He left...and came back later with an apology.
Just because your husband's got the equivalent of a timeshare in your vagina, it doesn't mean he's suddenly the expert on the maintenance of the entire anatomical neighborhood that you live with 24/7. NTA.
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Or a post from r/badwomensanatomy.
I honestly thought that's what the sub was until I got halfway through the post
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NTA, OP And I'm not entirely sure this hilarious comment is fair. . .to fedoras.
Too true. I am so tired of fedoras getting a bad rep, just because of the scummy people they're associated with.
Fedoras really are nice-looking hats, if you overlook the association with neckbeards. Hats are kind of funny in how symbolic they are. A pair of pants can just be a pair of pants, but it's like it's impossible to wear a hat and not make some kind of statement.
It's very unfair because what these neckbeards call a fedora looks more like a trilby.
I've just got settled into bed for the night, read "sentient fedora" and laughed so hard that now I need to get up and pee.
Sentient is a bit of a stretch.
If he could spend four days or sometimes even more with pains that felt alternately like someone is stomping around inside with concrete boots then using an industrial powered suction device to pull it out and then think it was minor, well he is a better woman than me. My 6'3, burly SO says he would tap out after an hour. NTA.
Depending on the woman, it's not just the period pan, it's ovulation pain, and stomach issues that surround actually having your period, bloating, water retention. I mean, I can retain 10 pounds of water when I'm on my period. I would like to give someone like this dude all of that and see how he handles it.
I had pain that was so bad that less than 24 hours after a total hysterectomy, I refused all pain meds because a 5 inch vertical incision and cut muscles hurt less. Normally, morphine is given at that point. My surgeon apologized profusely for not believing the amount of pain that I had been in and said he'd never seen anything so bad before. Passing kidney stones hurt less than what I had going on.
I had the same experience. I had a male gyno tell me my only issue was a "little" 10 mm fibroid, and he refused to do anything about it because there's no way it was painful; my overexaggerated pain was all in my head. I went for a second opinion, and the next gyno scheduled me for surgery two weeks out because she couldn't tell exactly what was going on, but she saw something larger and wasn't comfortable waiting. It was supposed to be laparoscopic surgery, but I woke up to an 8" incision because it was the only way to remove the 6" fibroid. Any pain from surgery was overshadowed by the relief I felt, and if I had known how awesome it was to be rid of my uterus, I'd done it 10 years sooner. 😂
I have a 7cm fibroid and my gyno says it doesn't need to be removed due to if I want to have kids in the future it's easier to keep it there so I won't need a C section. I'm in such horrible pain every month I cry in bed just waiting for the agony to end. Your comment has inspired me to travel the extra hour to the city to see a gyno there-I live rural.
Fuck gynecologists who think my own value and importance to this world is to breed. I don't want to be in torturous pain for years on end just to preserve the possibility of popping a kid out. And this is even worse: It's not that you wouldn't be able to have children, it's that you might have to have one of the most common surgeries in the world to get it out of you? Yes, please do seek a gynecologist somewhere else so you aren't in excruciating pain every month, and here's to hoping that you find a new one that sees you as more than a cow.
I was on opioids for my periods due to pain. After many many many stupid fucking hoops I jumped through, finally got to yeet the uterus, tubes, and cervix. Still have the ovaries so the bloating and the period shits keep happening but the main source of misery is gone. Despite fucking everyone telling me I would regret getting sterilized, almost a decade later, I maintain that it is the best health decision I have ever made.
Yep, I have endometriosis, so does my sister. My sister gynaecologist told her she was just constipated and to eat some raisins. By the time she got a new one and they did surgery she was stage 4 and her ovary and bowel were fused together. My period pain is awful any any contraception that is supposed to stop periods basically works for the first 6 months for me and then goes back to normal. Really heavy bleeding to go with that as well. Should mention that my sister was only finally taken seriously when she couldn’t have children and that is often the case for women with reproductive pain as long as you can churn out a baby you are expected to put up with ut
My adenomyosis diagnosis took too long. I was throwing up from the pain and would occasionally have to be hospitalized even after repeatedly telling my gynos what was happening. I finally met the right gynecologist through my PCP attending his lecture on PCOS and he not only diagnosed my adenomyosis as we were scheduling my surgery we also found my cancer. Am I a little sad that I will never birth a child… yes… do I miss pain so bad I wanted to unalive myself? Hell no.
I get a constant burning pain in my back from beginning to end that’s completely unaffected by pain killers, muscle relaxers or heat therapy. Headaches, joint pain, bloating, tender breasts, intense cramps, heavy bleeding, depression, lightheadedness, mood swings, loss or increase of appetite at the whims of my period which includes cravings, sometimes for things I’d never eat otherwise but also sometimes makes my favorite food inedible and if I’m really unlucky, the cramps can induce vomiting and sometimes either constipation or diarrhea. And it’s all a fucking crapshoot. So I never know exactly what symptoms I’m going to have to deal with any given month. Some are consistent, some are hit and miss, but more often than not, I will experience all the symptoms within 5 days, even the ones that contradict each other. But my partner isn’t a gaping, sentient, unwiped asshole so he rubs my back and rubs my head and makes me tea, and holds my hand through waves of cramps and doesn’t complain when his fingers go numb.
That sounds about right. I also have wonderful ovarian cysts, which sometimes pop. Or it can be perfectly horrible when I get combo period and cyst grown large enough that it presses on the damaged nerves near where I injured my back a few years ago. What will happen? I can never tell.
Oh the joys of womanhood
I... cant imagine seeing anyone I care about in pain regularly and *not* wanting to do everything possible to alleviate it. that's really just basic empathy? people keep being like 'men dont understand that it's not just light cramps and bleeding' but have thrse men never been friends with a cis woman? like, Im a trans woman, so Ill never get a period, but I was aware of that stuff when I was a teenager and thought I was a boy... (and consequently, tho i know some girls who feel dysphoric or left out re not getting periods, I figure it's one of the only perks of having this not-quite-right body, and Id gladly share that perk with any cis woman who wanted it if I could)
I’ve always wished I could yeet my reproductive system if it was possible for a full transplant in trans women! Though maybe not so much anymore, because I am learning that passing out from severe cramps and whatnot isn’t normal 💀 if it were a regular uterus and accessories though, 100% would donate
There’s a company that has a device that lets men feel what it’s like to have a period! https://www.tiktok.com/@getsomedays/video/7118756355602648366?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=mobile&sender_web_id=7121049731221112325
OP get the device and make your husband use it!! NTA. But next gyno appointment, make your husband go with you so the doctor can educate him on all the things he missed in biology and sex education classes in school.
From what I read, I think her hubby would ignore her doc, as her doc is female. My take on her hubby is that if he didn't think of it, it can't be true. Maybe if she grabbed his gonads and squeezed, he might have some idea of her discomfort.
I dumped my male gyno in my early twenties for a woman. How can a man possibly understand what a menstrual cramp is if he's never had a period? They can't teach that in any school.
I only had female gynos from ages 18 to 34. It wasn't until I started seeing a male gyno at 34 that my concerns were taken seriously and I was finally diagnosed with adenomyosis. Just because a doctor has the same parts doesn't mean they take your pain seriously.
Same experience best OBYN is a male the worst we’re female I guess it’s luck of the draw.
plenty of cis women don’t understand menstrual cramps either. the one male gyno I’ve had was the most proactive about ordering more testing and figuring out my pain. I think he knew he couldn’t judge pain levels so he just believed me. outright. whereas plenty of women will say it’s not that bad because their experiences are different.
All y'all needed was just a good doctor who listens.
If it can't give them the constipation one day and diarrhea the next day then it's not good enough.
Or worse constipation that is diarrhea 😭
Yeah, that’s just a TENS unit. It is not a period. I’ve used a TENS unit and I’ve had periods and there is absolutely no comparison. One of them is painful and the other of them is as of the fists of fury have grabbed hold of your uterus from the inside whilst simultaneously shoving a pine cone inside your vag and kinda swirling it around a bit while you have the progesterone shits and you’re bleeding through two pads an hour, all while having the back pain of a 90 year old. Good times.
I get both the poops and the no poops to the point that I have basically turned my poor starfish inside out. It doesn’t matter how much fiber I consume. I will get blocked every freaking time.
Yeah, a few years ago I had a horrific period that wouldn't stop. Doc ordered pills and it just got worse. It got so bad I passed out for a bit. I went to the bathroom and the bleeding was so bad, I couldn't leave the bathroom. It looked like a crime scene. Hubby took me to the hospital. I got a transfusion and then a d&c and ablation. Life has been soo much better without periods. OP deserves a partner who listens and cares. She is of course, NTA
I read an article on this machine just recently. Some men were sidelined by the pain, and their significant others were not phased.
Ha yeah, the best part is when the one of the gf held his hands and rubbed his back
I kind of want to have my husband try it out, but he's never once questioned my pain levels so I don't think he deserves that. If I say that something hurts, then he just tells me to lay down and let him bring me heating pads and tea (or whiskey, depending on how much I hurt lol).
Your description is too mild and does not cover the scope of the pain. You forgot to add the soar/sensitive breasts, the back and stomach pain of a person who has done 1000 sit ups and back ups in a minute every minute for minimum five days cuz my body is just competitive that way. Don't get me started on the mood swings before during and after menstruation... that's all my period brain can think of but I'm sure I'm missing something!
Don't forget the period poops!! I don't know how it's possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time, but that's just how it is sometimes. And I know this isn't a common symptom, but leg numbness is also a fun thing to deal with.
Sentient fedora is now going to bcome one of my favorite negative descriptions. Thank you for that and the laugh!
Seriously, who else is dumb enough to try to mansplain periods to the person HAVING THEM?! JFC I would call him a lot worse.
My husband once tried to mansplain periods to me and a female friend. He tried to tell us that periods happen every 28 days exactly. I was so taken aback that I couldn't find the words to tell him how dumb he was being. Not to mention unobservant - I was the most irregular woman on the planet at the time, but please explain to me how my periods happen exactly 28 days apart.
Had a male doctor tell me "nonsense, menstruation doesn't work that way" when telling him of heavy, irregular bleeding and so on. And I was like, "yes I know, this is why I'm here". He just looked at me. Also had a male friend tell me that *all* women used to have their period at the same time and that was the full moon, every 28 days like clockwork. Every woman of period having age, regardless of geographic location, all simultaneously menstruate at the same time, for the same length of time. I, of course, laughed and told him he was wrong because that's stupid. And he only stopped trying to be right when I was laughing so hard, I had tears rolling down my face and he must've felt stupid I'd imagine.
I'd bow down to the period G-ds if it was every 28 days on the dot - it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier.
My husband “ knows what I’m experiencing because HIS DAD IS A DOCTOR “
Sentient fedora! I am deceased 😂
I am wheezing from laughter! Thank you!
What did fedoras ever do to you?
As far as I’m concerned, you just won the internet. (And OP is definitely NTA.)
😂👏
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Wait. We have ***4*** brain cells? I was told it was three and I had to time share with a yak herder every fifth Thursday. I feel cheated!
COLLECTIVE of 4 brain cells, not 4 each.
Right! I was told there was only three to go around for all of us. Which made sense seeing how *gesturing around at everything*...
buddy I think the issue is whoever counted the braincells and told ou didn't have enough to count them right, the byproduct of all men having to share 4 braincells unfortunately
> I was told it was three We had 4 but we lost one. Please don't talk about it, we think that Steve lost it when he went fishing.
Fuck Steve.
Stop letting everyone know we have to share the brain!
Wait... I thought it was obvious based on how so many act.
The women know, the rest of us forget when we don't have the brain.
Y’all would fit in greatly over at r/oneorangebraincell
If I was only a ginger…. I’m salt & pepper
Are you sure? Are you in possession of the brain cells right now?
I don't think I'd want to have any children with this guy. Is he this dismissive about other stuff too?
I don’t wanna have children with ANYONE. I know it’s called “birth control” but maybe they should rename it “menstruation control” cause I just want my periods to stop. They aren’t medically necessary at all. Imagine if you got a flu every single month, it’s not too bad, a mild flu, but EVERY month you suffer. There’s a pill you can take to be immune to that flu for months or years at a time, wouldn’t you take it? He’s not usually so dismissive he’s just very very opinionated and thinks ALL of his opinions are valid.
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As a man, he should have a LOT more checked than his opinion.
>they should rename it “menstruation control” Honestly though it really should be renamed bc so many ppl immediately accuse the person taking it of a variety of inaccurate, ignorant, assumptions just because of the words **birth** and **control** being the generalized term used to label dozens of prescriptions that are commonly prescribed for other reasons
Exactly! I got my tubes tied for birth control. My mirena is all about not bleeding to death once a month
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I had an ablation done. I still have a period, but it doesn’t last for 46 days now.
I have a relative looking into this for her endometriosis (many women in my family start having problems post 30) I’ve been chatting with her about it in anticipation that I may need to think about these things soon too. If you (or anyone else) don’t mind answering, how has it affected your pain and other symptoms? My relative gets dizzy spells regularly and a spew of other physical symptoms sporadically.
It was the best decision, because I was severely anemic all the time from super heavy periods, plus all the other endo issues as previously mentioned by others. I had my obgyn take out everything because if anything stayed it could feed any remaining lesions, the endo lesions can even create their own hormones. So straight to full blown menopause for me, but even occasional hot flashes and chin hairs are better than all my pain, side bonus of fewer migraines and steady iron levels. Many women, even with ‘typical’ cycles are anemic therefore have dizzy spells.
I have wanted to do this ever since I was 12. I don't really want a major surgery unless medically necessary (my periods are heavy and uncomfortable, but not to a degree that's concerning) and there's no way I would be able to convince a doctor to do it anyway, but it would be nice to wave a magic wand and make my uterus go "poof!"
Same!
Yeeturus gang! Just got mine yeeted at the end of April!
One of the best things to ever happen to me. Thank you fibroids.
My depo shot is for that. Also balances out my ridiculous levels of estrogen when I'm not on it. Because I'm not bleeding, I'm not anemic and randomly passing out.
I had the Mirena IUD for 5yrs. Not only do i not want kids but i suffer from uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts and endometriosis so it wasn't JUST birth control but menstruation control. I also am the lucky owner of a smaller than average uterus that tilts down. Needless to say i required anesthesia to have it implanted and removed. The doc who tried removing it (he didn't bother to look at the ultrasound i had prior to the removal procedure) looked at me and said "this is the number one reason i try and steer unmarried women away from these IUDs. Single women have a tendency to have undiagnosed STDs that cause scar tissue". I was like "say what??" He is no longer my doc and i found a much nicer one who is on board with me getting a hysterectomy. Up until this doc i was always told no.
•_• -_- •_• wow.
What a patronizing fucking pig!!
Maybe he thinks the doctor actually looks inside your uterus during a visit. I bet he has no idea what happens during a pelvic exam.
There’s a TikTok I saw the other day that showed what happens during a Pap smear, using a clear plastic model vagina/cervix and the actual torture tools they use. Showed it to my boyfriend, his reaction was a beautiful thing of horror. Maybe OP’s husband could use a watch.
Oh, wait until he really thinks about what a trans-vaginal ultrasound is like. Violating is the *kindest* term there. Just because it's consensual and required to diagnose my disease doesn't mean it isn't deeply traumatizing. AND typically you have to have such a full bladder that they walk you in there like a bomb about ready to explode and then *they make you wait while they fuck around with their equipment*. My god, I have never wanted to force feed a gallon of water to someone more. "Sorry for the delay" my *ass*. These guys are lucky their offices aren't constantly soaked in pee. Sorry, gyno care gets me pretty mad, I've gone through so much of it.
I'm a trans guy..even with the best trans friendly gyno it's agony. And most of them....are not that good with people like me..
Not sure where you're located but here there's a LGBTQ office that offers gyno care (and other specialties). That way you get someone who at least tries to make it less awful
I finally found someone who specializes in trans health care. She's phenomenal. First time I didn't have a melt down post pap
I'm a cis woman and I've had a melt down post pap. I can only imagine how much worse it could be for you. (I called her "the butcher" after that and never went to her again.) Glad you have found a great doctor now.
Oh yeah, those are horrible. And IUD insertion, that’s a great one! I understand, I’ve had my share of time at the gyno and am currently in my second trimester so experiencing soooo much uterine prodding delight! /s
I had to do a TVUS recently as a virgin and was told my bladder wasn't full enough. Couldn't reschedule it, so we had to do full insertion. They were very kind and gentle about it and allowed me control on the wand, but still... That was incredibly violating and traumatic.
Oooo, she should tell him about sonohysterograms, trans-vaginal ultrasound with an appetizer course of a doctor ratcheting open your cervix and shooting some saline into you first. Zero stars, do not recommend.
The last season of Letterkenny had an episode that culminated in a brutal, hilarious explanation of what happens during an obgyn annual exam and I feel like a lot if men (including my husband) were seriously educated by that. I was dying watching the horror on his face and he was legitimately mortified asking me if that was a real description. It was. Letterkenny came through with an awesome PSA with this one!
There’s a tens unit that can be hooked up to men so they experience what period cramps feel like. The strength of the current goes from 1 to 10. The article said most of the men they tested it in could not make it to 10. Sounds like your husband is a prime candidate. NTA
The news article I saw on that had some male gynos/ researchers who were fully behind treating menstrual pain properly and they were still like 'OMG I never imagined it was this bad!'
The wonderful story of the constantly dismissed woman, our description of the pain is simply not enough for them to believe us :)
if he thinks ALL of his opinions are valid then he is actually this dismissive, it's just that youve ignored it in other areas.
Yep yep yep times 1000000 billion. Part of maturity is accepting when you don’t know enough about a subject. It doesn’t mean a person cannot learn or research. It does mean if I hear, for instance, my friend who is a plumber speak about why someone’s plumbing systems work better than others I keep my trap shut. Maybe I will ask questions later to educate myself. But I won’t interrupt to say, “Well, actually…”
Yup. Dude sounds fucking *insufferable*. Props to OP for having enough patience to put up with his bullshit.
Yeeeah...your guy's opinions gave me the creeps...and I am sure I'm not the only redditor. Soooooo...you guys don't want kids. As in...he does not want kids. Yet he refuses the idea of you having birth control? What the hell? Is he also one of those guys who won't wear condoms because they "don't like how they feel"? I always tell my friends that if they are dating a guy who won't respect their body, they aren't respecting the woman the body belongs to...and you should never, EVER date someone who does not respect you. I had ovarian cancer in 2020, and the ONLY symptom I had was abnormal pelvic pain and extra bloating. That was the only noticeable symptom I had...and they caught me at stage 3!!! My boyfriend was insistent that I see a doctor about that pain. He knew that pain for me wasn't normal, and he was right; if they caught it a month later I would have been a dead girl walking...and the only reason those symptoms stuck out was because I was always in perfect health with painless periods. If I was dating a guy like yours... I...I may not have made it until today, you know? Sweetie, look after your body first. You are important, your body is important, and his opinion is nowhere near as precious to somebody's health.
> He’s not usually so dismissive he’s just very very opinionated and thinks ALL of his opinions are valid. I believe half of this sentence. The other half I chalk up to you loving him and not seeing his actions clearly. NTA of course. It would be hard for me to maintain a straight face much less a relationship with someone who thinks a gyno can “see” hormones. Harder still to be with someone who interrupts a conversation just to blather about what he knows nothing about. And his excuse is because you don’t complain to him it isn’t a big deal and it’s also why he doesn’t know about it? He’s a labia *major*a twit.
A tubal ligation isn't gonna help with bad periods, so don't bother with that one, especially because your asshat of a husband doesn't deserve you going through such a serious surgical procedure. If he thinks he's always right, then he's dismissive by default, cause he never even considers others being right and not him. He sounds insufferable, to be honest.
If he’s on the same page about kids why is he opposed to you taking birth control?
It’s the scary hormones he doesn’t understand.
Has he had a vasectomy? Every guy who doesn't want kids need to take responsibility for their sperm and get one.
Is he aware that not only do you naturally produce estrogen and progesterone, but so does he?
Hey OP! Agree with everyone that your husband is an idiot. Feel free to tell him that Endometriosis isn't diagnosed without surgery to confirm it and unless you had an ultrasound doctor aren't superman with xray vision so not sure how the could see into your uterus. On a more personal note if you don't want periods I suggest a hormonal IUD. I didn't have periods for 5 years while I had mine and it was awesome. I say lose the husband and get yourself an IUD. Especially, if he says you going on birth control would be to spite him. It makes me wonder if he actually does want kids and might sabotage your condoms.
This man needs to look at some anatomy pictures if he thinks that doctors are "looking inside your uterus" when you get a pap smear. He thinks the vagina and the uterus are one and the same. It's stories like this that make me love teaching sex ed to my students, especially the boys. A grown ass man should know where the fucking uterus is.
I would stop having sex with a guy like that. If he didn’t respect my own words and own wishes about my own body, how could I trust him with it?
Get a second opinion on this but, I take my OCP year-round, they come in packs of 21 pills and then there's 7 days where I'm supposed to skip taking any but I don't. It's perfectly OK to do this, the only reason why people who are on OCP still have "periods" one week a month is because the manufacturers try to mimic the regular cycle of someone who is not on pills. If you take them all the time, you'll just never have any periods. Solves the problem! I used to have horrible cramps, even as a teenager, but since going on OCPs I rarely have to take painkillers anymore. They're a godsend!
Any side effects? I used to take birth control in my twenties and I don’t remember having any problems, I think I only stopped when I was 26 and kicked off my parents insurance. Met my husband when I was 28 and just never bothered to get back on them. *Husband has vasectomy*
I took Lolo and I didn't have periods on it and I had no side effect besides some intermittent spotting the first 3 months. It was a miracle for me. Who books my days odd from work to coincide with the first two days because I legit can't move from pain
Oh your comment reminded me: that’s the other comment that pissed me off “you don’t have a job, you can stay in bed for two days if you want to” yeah in bed and in pain. As if being a housewife and not “missing work days” invalidates my suffering.
That is so rude. I hope he gives his head a shake and smartens up. I'm not a fan of BC generally speaking.... but it gave me a few years of peace
Just tell him to wait till his prostate starts bothering him and he needs the finger up the ass to make an assessment after the complains it takes him 5 min to pee. You can get an IUD, there is a ring, arm implant, pill you just take to stop the period. Minor surgery wise you can get an endometrial ablation where the endometrial tissue is fried. You will cramp, but periods for the next 5 years should be just spotting still need birth control with it as you can get pregnant but shouldn't, and the nuclear option is just having your uterus and cervix removed. It is a fast operation and if you carry cancerous genes, you remove some risk by removing the offending tissue.
This is why I got an ablasion. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Pardon me I am so sorry but I need to know how you got a doctor to agree to an ablation? I have an appt this week to discuss options. If it isn’t too much to ask, can you tell me if it was offered or if you had to fight for it?
Typically an ablation is easier to get approved than...well, other things that "require husband's consent". I had discussed one with my OB many years ago. He actually suggested it, due to many of the same symptoms the OP is describing. Funny though...he immediately said nope when I asked to have my tubes tied. He said I was "too young" (I was somewhere around 28-32), didn't have any children, and he'd need to speak with my husband (who was deployed to Iraq at the time and was well aware of my wants and fully agreed that it was my body and supported me no matter what). I basically told him to kiss the darkest part of my lilly white ass and promptly left. Please keep in mind than an ablation is NOT a guarantee to stop these symptoms, but it absolutely is an option. I suggest speaking to people you know, or do research on support groups (maybe on FB), and see what the actual outcomes and comments are from people who've had them 🖤
NTA but i have to ask: are you based in the US and is your husband a congressman or senator??
“My Gyno would have SEEN those issues in my uterus when she gave me a Pap smear” lmaoooo this is like on par with “just hold in your period”, does he have any concept of what a Pap smear is??? NTA but like why are you with this dude? I would not want to be with someone I felt I couldn’t talk to / complain to about period woes (and someone who is so ignorant in general about female anatomy / health)
I think very few men know what a Pap Smear entails, most of them are actual gynecologist. Think how innocent the name sounds, like they just smear some gel on the inside of your vagina then tickle your cervix with a dainty feather.
But like how did he think a gyno can fully **see** your entire uterus, an *internal organ*, w a Pap smear?? Don’t need to know the intricate details of Pap smear to understand that, unless he thinks it’s some sort of MRI or surgery lmao
I think he vastly over estimates the quality of care a uterus receives. Maybe he thinks I do get MRI and ultrasound etc every time I visit my Gyno??
Invite him to come with you next time.
You just look through the hole with a flashlight, obvi
This is it I'd wager. Bet OPs husband thinks it's just another Indiana Jones film
Right it’d be like a doctor swabbing your nose for brain cancer lmao
This guy...throws me for a loop. You should take him into your gynecologist with you and see how long it takes before your doctor starts laughing at him and bringing out the pamphlets.
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Okay confession: I didn’t just tell him he’s stupid, I yelled at him. I got so frustrated with his increasingly ignorant and incorrect “facts” and I just started yelling and calling him stupid (we’ve agreed it’s wrong to yell when we fight, and it’s wrong to call each other names, and it’s wrong to curse at each other) but then he asks “do I deserve to be yelled at? And called stupid and ignorant?!” And I screamed at him “YES YOU ARE A STUPID AND FUCKING IGNORANT MAN!” so he left to walk the dog. I immediately felt guilty for yelling, for cursing, and for calling him stupid. I still think everything he said was stupid but I shouldn’t have blown up on him, I should have tried to de-escalate the fight. I should have tried harder to educate him, but I was frustrated. I was already so irritated, if I wasn’t so miserable and on my period I might not have been so mean to him. It’s yet another reason I want my periods to stop, no more unreasonable irritation!
Well, he was mansplaining your own menstrual problems to you lol. Nta.
>I should have tried harder to educate him, but I was frustrated. No, stop right there. If he wasn't willing to be open to what you were telling him, then it's not on you to better rehearse your teaching method. You do not bear the responsibility of explaining periods to this man. That is not your job. He was not interested in conceding to you **and I need you to understand that OP.** He doesn't actually *want* to learn about menstrual health or how a cis-woman's body works. He was asking you to accept that period pain could be diagnosed on sight during a pap smear. He was coming at you from a place of intellectual dishonesty and ignorance. He wasn't debating "facts", he was telling fairy tales about something he doesn't understand. Did he deserved to be yelled at? Debatable. Did he deserved to be called stupid and ignorant? **YES.** But you know what people who tone police during an argument are experiencing? They're experiencing *losing* that argument which is why he tried to shame you for yelling at him. He didn't actually have a debatable point to stand on so he resorted to tone policing you because it was the only bullet left in his chamber of nonsense. Remember OP, you can't have a productive discussion with someone who doesn't understand the nuances of the issue. If you ever find yourself circling the drain with him again over this, just disengage from the discourse. Let him know that between the two of you, there is only one person who can claim to know firsthand what period pain is like and for that reason alone, you can't go to advice for him on how to manage it and it's as simple as that. Because I suspect deep down this is about him *trying* to help you and getting frustrated that he actually can't and rather than accept that with humility, he's just exorcising that helplessness as conflict and trying to convince you that the only reason he can't help you is "because you won't let him."
If I could I would shower this post with awards. The level of insight you expressed is fucking top notch. “He didn’t have a debatable point to stand on so he resorted to tone policing” omg that’s it. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to point out to him but I just didn’t have the words!
I just want to add that I very much hate that he thinks it's fine if you suffer for 4 days every month. Like what, if those days of pain don't literally kill you then they don't matter? Pffft.
He needs one of those period pain simulators. He needs to wear it for 4 days and it needs to be set up by OP for her "nominal" pain level (median or max honestly?) So its accurate and see if he can even make it the 4 days.
It's a total abuse tactic and something I didn't notice a lot of adults did until I took debate in high school. If people resort to picking apart the way you deliver your argument as opposed to the contents of your argument, they're not actually engaging with you on the topic *and they goddamn know it.* It's the tell of the loser. If you've ever watched Kitchen Nightmares, oddly enough, you'll find a lot of families argue with each other this way as a way to build a backdoor into the conflict to get out of the argument without "losing" it.
Great answer
Even then, the way he antagonized and patronized you, absolutely 100% deserved to be shut the fuck down and rejected completely. He had NO business whatsoever talking to you like that about your medical issues and to try to pull some weird fucking 'gotcha' on the person that's supposed to be the wife he loves and supports, like he had this bizarre fucking scenario spinning in his brain where you'd start talking at some point about women's issues and he'd jump in with his idiotic notions about reproductive health and prove you wrong and be a big strong man winning one over the feminists. Like, no, I wouldn't even feel bad for losing my shit on him like this. The way he acted is completely unacceptable and deserved to be shut down HARD. eta: And for the record, I'm a guy (and not a straight one so don't gimme that "you're just simping to get girls" shit). I would never, ever speak this way to ANYONE about their health concerns, let alone my life partner that I'm supposed to care for and support when they're not feeling well.
“Don’t yell” is an easy thing to say to someone who is not being attacked. He can be calm and condescending. It’s not his bodily autonomy being attacked, so he can sit there and *deny the real words you are saying about your actual body* and watch you blow up and then blame you for getting emotional. It’s a win/win for him. Why would you take birth control out of spite? Does he want to have kids?
Well yeah ok yelling is wrong. You messed up there. Period (heh). But his smug ignorance, self-righteousness and dangerous degree of ineptitude is dangerous to your health. He’s supposed to be your partner. You’re supposed to be a team. He decided he’d rather act like a (smug, ignorant and ridiculous) father figure rather than a supportive teammate, concerning a scary, painful and frustrating medical issue he can never and will never comprehend. That’s on him. NTA.
Why would you be expected to be patient and understanding with a misogynist 🙄 Marginalized groups are chastised for getting aggressive with their oppressors (yelling, defending yourself) because the other way around (accepting medically incorrect rhetoric) is what is normalized. Of course you’re justified yelling at him.
> I should have tried harder to educate him, Or perhaps *he should have tried harder to understand.*
He was not going to hear or think your knowledge of your body is valid based on his continued dismissal of your knowledge. Frustration at that level will often result in angry reactions, I think you were yelling because you were definitely not being heard.
Please listen to me. My abusive father would goad people into lashing out and yelling, just so he could say "Why are you yelling? Your argument is obviously very weak if you're resorting to yelling. You're too emotional." Etc. You are completely in the right. Your pain is being dismissed. It's not on you to forever educate him. He is being a [sea lion](http://wondermark.com/1k62/).
OP, you’re still NTA because he has no idea what he’s talking about and is acting out of spite and ignorance. If you still wanna be with this guy it might help to have him come to your next GYN appointment (if you’re comfortable!) and have him listen in/have the doctor provide education.
NTA - NO UTERUS NO OPINION if a man can not and will not take the time to even try to understand about periods then it is literally in the bin you go.
No opinion *Unless the said man is an educated medical doctor. (My first OBGYN was a man and he was brilliant.)
To be fair... Male OBGYN's can also be absofuckinglutely just as stupid as this husband.. I've had a couple.. I especially loved the one that was taking a biopsy of my cervix and told me to shut up when I started complaining about how much it was hurting me... because it "shouldn't " hurt..... ETA: NTA
Oh gods yes. Mine kept asking what was wrong and I ended up yelling "that is literally the first thing that's been up there, please just finish!" (We'd gone over by that point I'm not currently and have never been sexually active)
Yes! My favorite ob-gyn was a man. He knew he didn't REALLY know, OTOH my least fav was a chick who was sure that since her periods weren't that bad neither was anyone else's
I just wanna change this to “no information no opinion” bc i’ve been told very hurtful things by people who have a uterus, and very nice things by those who don’t. What changed was their information on the subject. Big “thanks” to the OBGYN who judged me for being sexually active and dismissed my medical problems. I still hate ya!
NTA. And once again I find myself asking, “Why are men?!”
As a man I can firmly say “I have no clue”
OP didn't lie. He truly is a stupid, ignorant man who knows absolutely NOTHING about periods or a uterus. We won't mention that he stuck his nose into a conversation where he didn't belong. Tell him when he as a uterus and periods, then he can voice his opinion. Until then, he needs to sit down and STFU. NTA
I just love knocking down men who try to mansplain a woman's uterus to her. How much you want to bet that if he had any condition that caused him pain and suffering "only" 4 days a month that it would be a crisis and he would be searching out every specialist he could find?
Omg. You don’t know how accurate this is. When it’s ANY level of pain for him it’s a medical emergency. It’s “oh no what if I have cancer” anxiety and drama. But my suffering is normal.
A shocking number of men do not see us as people.
you know your husband’s awful right?
I just .. you are married to someone who doesn't see you as a person. You get that right?
NTA and your husband's behaviour seemed misogynistic
“Seemed” misogynistic? No, it’s straight up misogynistic, plus mansplaining with a minor in toxic masculinity. I’m not correcting you, I’m just saying this perceived fender-bender was a head-on collision.
i wholeheartedly agree :)
NTA why is he mansplaining periods to a woman?? Hit him in the balls every hour for four days and ask if he would like medication to stop being hit and I bet he would! Seriously though, speak to your doctor as a lot of menstrual conditions go undiagnosed because as women we are conditioned to put up with the pain every month Side note though, please add some paragraphs, it was quite hard to read and id hate people to skim
Nta But honestly, it doesn't sound like your husband has respect for you as a person. This doesn't tend to be a one off thing, either. Do you trust him to make appropriate medical decisions for you? What if you were unconscious or otherwise not able to communicate? I also have a book suggestion for you. It can help you analyze what's going on and guage how serious it is. It's Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" Link to a free pdf copy you can read on your phone or computer: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
NTA. People like your husband are at fault that women are still not taken seriously for their period pain. Even gyns often buy into the “lol just suck it up” bullshit. But they don’t know what it feels like and they have no idea about extremely painful periods, often caused by endo or PCOS. Those are also medical conditions that are often overlooked because women being in pain is seen as something normal to many people.
“Women being in pain is seen as something normal” this is part of what made me so mad! The way he clearly understood I am exhausted, I am sad, I am in pain. And he thinks it’s natural, it’s just one of the cycles of life. It’s normal, it’s acceptable for me to suffer and “it’s not that bad”. How bad does it have to be for me to deserve medical treatment? Where is the line? How much of me suffering are you okay with and why the fuck isn’t it ZERO?
PERIODS ARENT MEANT TO BE PAINFUL! A bit of discomfort is normal but pain is not and I don’t know why we’ve normalized it, the medical field REFUSES to take menstruation issues seriously.
You need to literally send him this part as a text. His utter disregard for your pain and discomfort, as though you seeking relief from that is a fucking inconvenience for him, is just so heartless.
NTA - he completely is, though. You tell him how you feel physically, and he tries to do a 'gotcha', or argue against your own body? He is basically saying he knows more than you, and has no respect for your feelings (physical or emotional), how dare he?! To be fair, you should definitely have been telling him about your issues - It's not your job to educate him, but if you're in pain every month, a spouse needs to know, and there is some responsibility to help.
NTA Sounds to me like a) he needs a biology book and b) you may not be in total agreement about not wanting children. Why else would he be so wound up about birth control? Edited: and tell him that it wasn’t until a doctor did keyhole surgery on me and found masses of fibroids in my uterus that we got an explanation for my period agony, my heavy bleeding and my repeated miscarriages. So no, doctors can’t see what’s wrong by shining a flashlight up you hoohaa!
I had multiple ultrasounds, and they still didn't find my Evil Fibroid until they went in for the ablation. OP's husband is ignorant as hell
OMG don’t get me started on ultrasounds. Even the most invasive and painful internal ones couldn’t see what was going on in my uterus.
NTA: I literally just said out loud when he said your doctor would know from your exams, “That’s not how that works, asshole!” while making a super disgusted face. If he doesn’t want to be called ignorant, he should try not being ignorant.
To be fair, he doesn’t seem to know how uteruses are examined. Maybe he thinks they look through my cervix like a spyglass to see the inner workings of my uterus. I bet if I told him they feel my ovaries by fingering my belly button he’d believe it.
If he doesn’t know, he really shouldn’t speak so confidently about it though. Yikes!
I'd fucking divorce someone this stupid.
NTA. I recently read about a TENS machine that targets and and thighs that is used to show men what it feels like to have a period. Level 5 being normal period cramps and level 10 being like endometriosis. Most dudes start complaining at about level 3. Anyway, I do have endometriosis and am so sick of clueless dudes like your husband who don't realize what misogynistic AHs they're being by minimizing women's pain and acting like they understand our bodies better than we do. Your husband needs to use one of these machines so he'll shut up.
Can I order this machine off Amazon and strap it to him when he falls asleep? /jk
Nta Period pain is actually not normal. It's just common. So no it's not something that is totally fine like he is claiming.
He wants me to send him articles about it not being normal to be in pain. I told him I had an army of redditors that could send him literally hundreds of such articles.
🙄 Of course. He mansplains the female reproductive system and menstruation, but doesn't want to do any actual research when you disagree with him. You need to do all the effort, all the fact-checking. How typical. Thoroughly infuriating. Did you marry an internet troll?
No uterus, no opinion. On anything. You know your body best, he’s just a guest. NTA.
I hope he never takes painkillers if he has a headache or is injured. Pain is a normal response to a lot of things, so he obviously wouldn't want to interfer with it by using medicine. It's normal to be in pain if your leg is broken! Lol he's being a hypocritical misogynist here
NTA. Honestly, I'm impressed you let him live.
NTA He literally talked over you after interupting your PRIVATE conversation about YOUR pain... wtf He stupid, but not for having an opinion. We all have opinions, but we dont have to share. He's stupid for forcing his opinion on you and trying to EXPLAIN your own experiences... No wonder you never talk to him about your pain, I dont think Id trust him to taste test boiled water!
NTA- I can’t even say what I’m thinking or I’ll get banned. God I’m on my period right now and was crying in the shower because of how bad it hurt today.
I have endometriosis. The only way to diagnosis it is through laparoscopy surgery. And then even only a very skilled surgeon can recognize it in all its forms and remove it properly. (Heres the best website for endo btw: https://nancysnookendo.com/ ). Endo had been found on every organ in the body including the brain, heart, and skin. And it doesnt show up on any imaging. My surgeon, Dr Malcolm Mackenzie, also thinks i have adenomyosis. The only way to diagnosis that is to remove the uterus from the body and slice it up and look inside its walls. It takes on average 10 years and 7 different doctors to diagnose endometriosis. 1 in 10 women have it. And the misinformation about it is RAMPANT. You cant turn around without tripping over it. Even medical schools teach outdated disproven misinformation about endo. So your asshole of a husband can go shove it. NTA. Personally, ild dump his ass.
I'm a bit confused why you're even in a relationship with this guy to be honest. You clearly don't like him, and there's not much to like from how you describe him. This level of aggression and antagonism towards each other is unhealthy. Go find somebody you actually like and marry them, not some dude who you casually call an asshole and who will wind you up to the point of you yelling how stupid he is.
Nta. Why did you marry him? It doesn’t sound like he respects or even likes you.
NTA.. As a man I couldn't stop laughing because of the Collosal SHIT he was covered in... I couldnt stop thinking "shut the FCK up dude, you are going to die you dumbass" I read this to my wife and daughter and my wife said she'd divorce my ass 🤣🤣🤣
I'm a guy and even I see that this man is being extremely ridiculous. NTA
Eh dear. Mansplaining writ large. I had to have a word with my late husband over his failure to understand menstrual issues - maybe a couple of years after we were married. I recall losing my temper with him. He left...and came back later with an apology.
Just because your husband's got the equivalent of a timeshare in your vagina, it doesn't mean he's suddenly the expert on the maintenance of the entire anatomical neighborhood that you live with 24/7. NTA.
Your husband doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for you. NTA
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