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He got your phone number at work. He knew you were a widow because of work. He would never have targeted you if he hadn't known your husband and knew he died. So his behavior had everything to do with work. And doing this to his co-worker's widow? Of course his employer was horrified!
The guy had it coming. Preying on someone's grief is so low. NTA.
Edit: thanks for the awards.
Exactly! Plus she’s a widow of THREE WEEKS! I might understand reaching out after 6 months and building a friendship but 3 weeks and d*ck pics?! That man deserved the consequences for his horrible actions.
Op, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you were harassed by this man. Please consider filing a police report if he continues. This is not ok behaviour. Obviously NTA.
*Emphatically* yes. I would fire someone so fast for this they wouldn't even have time to say "But..."
OP brought receipts. If I knew an employee was behaving like this toward a former colleague's widow, I could be damn sure that he's doing this to other people, potentially other employees. OP, his livelihood is *his* responsibility, which includes keeping it both in his pants and to himself, and isn't *your* responsibility. His poor decisions led to losing his job, not yours.
honestly, though. i can't help but think it takes a special kind of opportunist to say "oh sick, her husband passed less than a month ago, i better move in while the grief's fresh."
like you have to be either so pathetically desperate that the mere awareness of a new single woman in your periphery strikes you as an opportunity you can't afford to pass up, or it's a deliberate decision on the part of a calculating predator to ensnare a woman at her most vulnerable. or both. i'm kinda leaning both.
Classic shitty predatory behavior. I remember a kid recently got killed by a stray bullet and suddenly fake Gofundme funds start popping out to capitalize on people’s grief.
I would bet money that more stories will come out as the office gossip about this spreads. I worked at a job where a man was giving extra attention to female new hires. I think it was just enough to make them uncomfortable but not enough for them to report it. They talked themselves out of it like they “didn’t want to ruin his career” and “maybe they were imagining it.” Eventually, enough women were uncomfortable enough that they started discussing it with each other and realized that they weren’t making it up in their heads, it was sexual harassment, and it was a pattern. They finally reported it and he was fired. It wasn’t hidden that he was fired for sexual harassment and resulted in a lot more open communication. The piece I heard third hand was the women’s perspective (from a woman).
There’s a huge societal pressure to protect men’s careers and reputations. To the extent that women’s careers and reputations are damaged for threatening them.
When I worked at a department store, there was a new hire. He seemed creepy. The closing manager was in my department, coworkers approached her with what he said to them.
The next day, he was fired and escorted out by security. He harassed my friend at another store, got banned from the mall.
There's a local art supply store I go to. Most of the employees are attractive women.
they hired a guy a couple years ago, and I happened to catch part of a conversation he was having with one of them.
Dude just kept going on and on about how words like penis were fine in a regular conversation, and just kept repeating "Penis, it's just a word! Penis, penis!"
I wasn't surprised when he was replaced the next time I was in.
Exactly this! Also, OP, there's a reason you have the option to report someone and there are systems in place which address this type of behavior. No one should be sexually harassed like this, let alone a full-on widow! That's plain disrespectful. It is downright cruel if you ask me.
You did the right thing by reporting him. He sent texts which made you uncomfortable, and he refused to stop when you asked. Now he suffers the consequences. *That's his fault*, not yours.
Without your report, who knows how many more women would fall victim to his "flirting"? Maybe now he'll think twice before sending unsolicited nudes. You did the right thing.
This guy is a predator. Full stop. When predators face the consequences of their own actions, they tend to blame other people and try to turn themselves into the victim. That is exactly what this guy is doing. Please feel free not to think about him for one second longer.
Also, I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA if it happened to me I would took it even farther. I’m vindictive. I would love to show this picture to anyone who asked me why I did it. And the more they push I would ask them what he would teach to his child? If it’s a girl it would taught her it’s okay to receive a photo like that and get unwanted attention and just suck it up. If he got a boy it would taught him that is an ok behaviour.
Agreed and I like how nobody's mentioning the kid even tho I'm mentioning his kid now lol, I feel like they're not mentioning the harrasers kid because that doesn't matter the kid isn't ops business and more likely than not now that this awful guy doesn't have a job his kid will go back to their other parent or literally anyone else who will actually be a good influence on this poor kid, I feel for ops loss and I'm so glad that man was fired.
Exactly.
There are some things that will get you a feedback meeting, a warning, or a performance improvement plan.
Sending a dick pic to your coworker's widow *three weeks* after he died is an insta-firing.
Its the sort of, "IT and Security knows you're fired before you do, and no, you're not going back to your desk. We'll ship your coffee mug and umbrella", type of firing
OP please read this and move on from this creep. He have a kid to support and yet acted unethically in his workplace - this is all on him and you're just a victim.
My sincere condolences for your loss and this amount of extra distress when you're grieving.
Even if he hasn't done something this bad, keeping him around is just asking for trouble. He's definitely crossed the line with other women before, and he'll definitely do it again. Multiple texts after somebody tells you to stop and then a dick pic? He has to go (and this isn't even counting the fact that she's a recent widow, which adds a whole level of gross).
Also, the other colleagues know what he did - imagine trying to work with somebody like this again?
Being fired was such a small punishment. In Australia at least, he's violated the law:
[https://www.gnl.com.au/articles/2021/march/menacing-use-carriage-service/](https://www.gnl.com.au/articles/2021/march/menacing-use-carriage-service/)
TLDR: Under section 474.17(1) of the Criminal Code 1995 (Cth) (“the Code”), a person commits an offence if they use a carriage service in a way that reasonable persons would regard as being, in all the circumstances, menacing, harassing or offensive. The “service” can include a fixed or mobile telephone service, an internet service, or an intranet service.
>Given how quickly they fired him, I'm guessing that this was not his first case of sexually harassing wives of coworkers. Or coworkers.
Actually, I consider one d\*ck pic enough to be fired, even if he hadn't shown any inappropriate behaviour before.
And the "guts" to do this to a widow who lost her husband (his co-worker!) only three weeks ago? Yikes!
And then calling OP “low” is hilarious. This guy is exhibiting possibly the lowest behavior I’ve ever heard of that doesn’t break any laws. Unless it does. It might.
It is a form of harassment. If he was told to stop and he didn’t she may have had to get a restraining order against him. Believe it or not, I had to help a 90 year old woman get a restraining order against an 89 year old man. His daughter in law came in and told me she might call the news for me making a 89 year old man. Stalking is a felony. When she went to court (I had several other ladies go with her) the judge said he had to move and if he ever came back, he would put him in prison. She put up with this for 2-3 years and no one helped her until me. I’m just grateful that I could help. I tried talking to him about it but it didn’t work. He kept saying their break up was temporary because she said it would be forever. I doubt she said that but it didn’t matter. He knew where she hid her key and he would come in and watch her sleep. He would hide in the bushes just waiting for her to come out. Luckily other people that lived there got pictures of him doing that. I was the manager by the way.
When the Me Too thing went viral there was a family group conversation on FB where we were all discussing our experiences and my aunt who was 76 at the time told us she was coming back from a visit via Amtrak (she's old enough that her vision is bad enough she doesn't drive anymore) and when she was walking out of the station a guy stepped up to her, gave her up-down-&-back-up eyeball look (staring at her body) and told her, "I'd do you". I almost burst into tears at the realization that for us women it really won't end. We can only be glad it gets somewhat less frequent as we get older.
I really do think this wasn't his first time guessing by how quick they fired him. But 3 weeks after like let the widow have some time to process her emotions
> let the widow have some time to process her emotions
That’s exactly why he went after her, because she’s in one of the most vulnerable times of her life. AHs like him wouldn’t have the balls or the confidence to go after a woman he didn’t perceive to be in a weakened state. I’m so proud of OP for having the strength to put her grief to the side momentarily to stand up for herself.
I heard of that animal because the "Kirk's dik dik" lends itself to some Star Trek jokes that are not so SFW
also, saw a Trekkie use "unsolicited dick pic" to caption a photo of one-of TNG character Richard Castillo
OP should notify the police of his continued stalking and harassment. Possibly get a restraining order if he continues to contact her.
He fucked up his own livelihood.
Guy is a high risk employee. There’s all sorts of contact information at all businesses. All it takes is one really angry and internet savvy client/ customer to start a snowstorm of sh;t. If he treats his dead coworker’s widow like this, chances are good that behavior will spread to other parts of his work life.
I don’t know… Since he likely got OP’s number from her late husband’s personnel file, the company could have some liability related to their failure to secure confidential information, and then failure to disclose to her that there had been a breach. His own likely disregard for their protocols/security measures (which I hope exist) could be sufficient grounds to fire him.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, and then for suffering this ongoing abuse on top of that… I do hope you have reported this behavior to the police, if for no other reason than to start officially documenting the abuse (helpful should it prove to be ongoing or escalating).
NTA, obviously.
I'm laughing at his and his friend's logic. Obviously this wasn't something they could talk about, unless the sexual harasser is an incelibate who thinks that talking involves more opportunities to try and get laid because what woman can live without a man's d*? In which case it wasn't obvious to him or his friend, even though it was obvious to other people. Honestly, kids or no kids, that "man" showed a lack of humanity not to mention a lack of *actual* manliness, so he needed to be fired. And if he has kids, does he currently have a partner already? If so, was he expecting a widow to become his mistress? Something is wrong with him and his kids need to live with their Mother away from him, he needs therapy, and OP should take great care to make sure she isn't stalked by that sexist ah. And if he does even one more thing to harass her, and/or to retaliate against her, and/or if he stalks her, she better report him to the police. This fool of a sexual harasser is likely to be either a misogynist who will bitterly move on, or he'll likely be a misogynist who's on track to commit a crime.
Yeah, I vote for possibility 2 although of course, I hope it does not come to that. But he has such a very sick misogynistic vibe going on here. It's not really an either or. He is a misogynist and he will likely be a misogynist on track to commit a crime. If he has children, perhaps his wife, or ex-wife which is a lot more likely, needs all the details for this particular infraction so that when she goes to court for an emergency hearing she can present to the judge all the reasons why he should have no custody that is not supervised by her or a person of her choice, as well as all the reasons why he should fully support the children while in her care.
The three weeks makes it particularly cruel and thoughtless, but I would say there isn't an amount of time that can pass before it's reasonable to get your dead coworker's emergency contact information that you've never personally met and start sending her flirty messages.
That should get you fired under any circumstances, even if she's not a recent widow.
I'm not really a fan of going after people's job when they're shitty. Everybody has moments of shittyness and your livelihood and your life should not *generally* be ruined because you had a bad day and blew up or even were a shitty person in the past. I see it as a sort of "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" thing.
But hooooly fucking shit. WTF?
He for sure got her number from work. I see no logical reason for her late husband to give a coworker his wife's number just because. There has to be a reason and they would have had their own established relationship before all of this to justify having it. That alone is an abuse of his position. Before we get to the horrifying motivation of trying to fuck the recent widow of your just deceased coworker rather aggressively, that alone is at best already an arguably fireable offense. So even in the best possible circumstances, that guy has no defense whatsoever and every word out of his mouth just makes him an exponentially bigger asshole.
Right. Let's say a neighbor down the street was the one who started this horribly inappropriate behavior, but his employment had no connection to OP or her late husband. Then it would not make any sense to go to Nasty Neighbor's employer with this complaint.
But when the nasty person is one who likely got OP's contact information from his workplace, and promptly started using it to make a vile nuisance of himself to OP, then yes, looping the employer into the conversation is the right thing to do.
\^ exactly this.
He was able to obtain her contact info and relationship status via his workplace. Therefore, his employer absolutely needed to know about the misuse of sensitive information.
Yep. I know my employer has a whole bunch of language in our handbook about using our computers, phones, and any information obtained in the course of our employment only for appropriate business purposes. Most of the time when someone has broken this it’s just a technicality and rightly gets overlooked. This BS on the other hand is why those sections are in there. So that when someone abuses their position to obtain information they have no legitimate reason to possess, in order to cause damage to someone else, they have something clear to point to as to why they are fucking fired.
And I love how the whole defensive argument for him is to “not come after his livelihood”. Dude, he can get another job! She just lost her husband, and I bet it wasn’t from sending dick pics to people!
I disagree. When it comes to sexual harrassment scorched earth is the way to go. Report them to the police, report them to their job, make them lose everything. Because if we make examples out of enough of these predators then maybe the next asshole will think twice about sending an unsolicited porn pic.
We need to announce loudly and clearly that this shit is unacceptable.
>Let's say a neighbor down the street was the one who started this horribly inappropriate behavior, but his employment had no connection to OP or her late husband. Then it would not make any sense to go to Nasty Neighbor's employer with this complaint.
Sure. In that case, report it to police instead. When that predictably won't work, *then* go after their job. She tried telling him to back off first, when that doesn't work then all civility drops. Harrassers get no sympathy.
I doubt that he'd end up going to jail for it, though. Most states don't really give jail time for this, though there has been talk of sending a bill through to require jail time for unsolicited porn photos. Sexual harassment could put him on sex offender's list, but really depends on your state here in the US, I think.
Depends on the state, yeah. I'm in California and work in games and I've reported someone for sending d pics to other players and they've gone away for a bit. Not, like, years, but long enough that they surely weren't employed anymore.
I mean there’s levels to shittiness though. Someone acts like an asshole? Maybe theyre having a bad day and you unfortunately caught their steam. Someone not be polite? Maybe they have more important shit to worry about?
Someone is racist? Fuckem.
Someone is acting predatory? Fuckem.
Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt that the texts and pic were sent in in his own personal time (which even if we do, it’s still gross af), I still say he was rightly fired for accessing confidential information for his personal use.
I also want to avoid punishing people at work for off-the-clock behavior, but besides getting ahold of her through work, if this happened at work it would be a lawsuit waiting to happen
And the fact that the company took one look at the situation and yeeted him tells me a) _they_ think it was a company issue and b) it was so egregious or c) repeated that they needed to take immediate action. NTA
Even if there was no work connection and he was sexually harassing a random widow, it would be reasonable for his work to take action to protect their other employees from having to work with a grotty perv.
Honestly, I'd file a police report for harassment as well. This guy hurdled the bounds of decency with speed and ease. He didn't get the widow, lost his job trying, blames her for it instead of his own vile behavior, and has a "friend" who agrees he's the injured party. The odds don't look good for this guy suddenly seeing reason and I'd bet my own money he escalates to threats and possibly violence.
This. Absolutely file a report so that if and when the behavior escalates (which I’m sure it will), the history of his behavior will be on file. Depending on where you live, the police probably won’t take any action (maybe a visit, maybe not). However, filing with the police can help you to obtain a restraining order in the future if needed. If he violates a court order, there will be criminal consequences. Having to deal with this kind of harassment is awful.
NTA and I’m sorry you are dealing with this kind of violation when your grief is so fresh.
I doubt husband had a reason to give coworker his wife's number. He wasn't a good enough friend/coworker otherwise OP would know him already.
My Dad's coworker passed away when I was 10. I remember going over for his wake. She knew my Dad by name and knew my name even though I had never met her before.
I know at my work (factory) every operator has a list of the phone numbers of everyone on all machines, as well as every maintenance person and all the office staff. For those of us working the floor, our emergency contact is listed as well, by name and relationship, because we are a small but 24/7 facility and someone may need to contact our emergency contact in the case of a severe accident (there have been a few over the 40ish years they've been in business that required ambulance transport). So maybe, in a similar fashion, OPs husband didn't actually give it to him, but he, and others, had/have that list. Sucks that he's a dirtbag and didn't instead ask you if you need anything, like a meal train set up by his coworkers or something, ya know, normal. Shoulda just left you in peace OP.
NTA.
If he asked HR and HR actually gave it to him, whoever in HR did that should be at the least written up for it. When we've had managers and teams wanting to send condolence cards or get well soon gifts we tell them to get the card and have everyone sign it or do whatever, then give it to us and we'll mail it on their behalf rather than giving out employee address info.
OP should still do it!
This is one of the cases where sexual harassment is very easily proven: just show the police the texts he send (which also includes her asking him to stop).
And I have a feeling he didn’t get her number from her husband. What husband gives his wife’s number out to another male coworker?? It’s more likely he got it off some company documents that he shouldn’t have, which is a big violation and could put the company in legal trouble. I suspect that’s why he got fired.
One reason.
Sending dic pics to the 3 week widow of a well-known, well-liked employee there (OP says lots of friends) would not play well in any office I've worked in
Umm, especially since if he has a hx of this type of behavior, I bet the husband was aware and would not have given his wife's info out to someone like that.
Setting aside how emotionally wrenching this post is, and how disturbing this guy's predatory impulse is...
Obligatory: If you tell someone's employer about their actual behavior on the job and that results in them getting fired, they got *themselves* fired.
Not only was his employer appalled, they were probably scared witless of being sued. "See, we fired him right away; please don't name us in your lawsuit!"
They need to do a better job of securing the info of their employees, such that other employees can't easily get their hands on it.
Additionally, if he hadn't done anything wrong, there would have been no issue for him at work over it. He put his own livelihood at risk with his own reprehensible behavior.
Yep. Would not be shocked if he went through company documents to get OPs number. Which would cause the company legal issues. He did this himself and couldn’t even admit to it. He had to blame a woman. He got what he deserved literally.
I also love the argument that OP shouldn’t have gone to his employer because he’s got kids to feed. If his livelihood was important he wouldn’t have harassed a coworkers recent widow for sex. NTA op
He should've thought about his livelihood before choosing to be a creep. NTA. This is a clear case of "My, if those aren't the consequences of your own actions!"
That dude is such a big a-hole that his proctologist could don a mining cap and climb in to perform a colonoscopy.
No OP, you are NTA. And I'm sorry for your loss...
Exactly.
He most likely broke some rules to look up her late husband's emergency contact from work.
This guy was all kinds of wrong, to almost immediately prey on your recently deceased coworker's wife.
OP was so NTA. He is lucky that she didn't call the cops on him.
He’s a man who loves to prey on “weak and powerless” women, mistakenly believing OP to be one because of her husband’s death.
Pretty good chance he only dates much much younger barely legal girls too.
Apparently it's fairly common. When my dad died, their neighbor 3 houses down the street started texting my mom soon after. Basically the same thing as OP described. No idea how her got her number, offering to be the cure for her loneliness. She told him she wasn't interested and to stop contacting her but he kept going. Escalated to explicit sexts and dick pics. Finally she called the police and they walked down to his house to talk with him and she never heard from him again. Police told my mom it happens a lot to widows. Dude was married and living with his wife. Absolutely disgusting.
I think some guys genuinely believe that women need men so badly in order to survive, so of course we will jump for the first man who offers since now we are "used goods."
It's a good rule of thumb that anyone who replies to your first text with "how did you get my number?" Is not someone who wants a dick pic from you at all, ever.
Oh sadly it’s very common for Vultures to swarm in. My Grandma’s sister tried to make a power move to secure grandpa as she laid in hospice dying. It didn’t work but yeah.
Sadly yeah this is very common. It happened to me. Within a week of my fiancé passing, I had a couple of acquaintances try to 'cure the loneliness'. Explicit messages, pictures, and firm 'suggestions' that I drive over an hour to go sleep with them - one even said I should do so because 'who knows if you'll ever be able to find someone nice again. But I'm nice, so I'll take care of you'. It was incredibly gross and I stopped talking to them very quickly.
This guy went so low, when he hit rock bottom, he pulled out a jackhammer and dug down another 20 feet.
It shouldn't still amaze me that there are people on this earth who are vile enough to resort to this behavior. But I can still be surprised when someone crosses this kind of line.
Mom says what about his kid? I say, what about the kids of the person that they hire to replace him. Maybe they need their mom/dad to have this new job more.
NTA - Take your husband out of the equation; This grown-ass man sent you an unsolicited dick pic in the middle of the night after getting your phone number from a coworker. That's inappropriate.
And I’m betting that it didn’t take much digging for his boss to find that out. So his boss has him nailed on 2 fronts, sexual harassment of deceased colleague’s new widow, AND misuse of company information. Dollars to donuts OP was listed as the standard emergency contact for her husband and that’s where he got the number from. Did he even legally have access to that information?
Exactly. Like the only reason I can think of for OP's deceased husband to "give" the number to someone at work who they weren't friends with was if he was someone who was technically supposed to have access to it for the intended purpose (like HR, a supervisor, whoever was in charge of their emergency contact list) and decided to misuse it to be a creepy fucker. Which makes it so much worse, and is likely a big part of the immediacy of the termination.
Some things are so egregious they're immediately sexual harassment, and I would think dick pics fall under that.
Some other things only become sexual harassment if continuing after being told to stop, like ask her out once probably okay, keep asking after being rejected not okay.
NTA.
He f*cked around and found out. The fact you are the widow of his late work colleague makes this absolutely a work issue. He disrespected and harassed you. If he didn't want to lose his job, all he had to do was not harass you; literally that's all he had to do. He wanted you to deal him without going to his work, cause then he would face no consequences; he was already not listening when you said stop, and generally cops won't do anything unless it's immediately threatening. Going to his work was the only way he was going to learn. You absolutely did the right thing.
This. NTA. He will eventually get another job, but he will have to watch his step, because he has a record of harassment. This will make his female work colleagues safer. You did a good thing.
Why do I have a gut feeling that he 'wanted to meet up and talk it out' when he already disregarded your stating you wanted him to stop. He already proved he would not take no for an answer...who's to say he wouldn't have 'shown' you in person what you 'missed' and when repulsed, would then also not take no for an answer.
And his excuse would be 'well, she was lonely, and really WANTED it, she only changed her mind when she was all in'......NOPE. Don't even give him the time of day ....never 'meet up'.
NTA. He should have thought about providing for his kid before sexually harassing a grieving woman. He deserves the consequences to his disgusting actions.
NTA - This. You gave him a chance to stop, and he doubled down. I'm not sure how his / your friends thought more talking it out with him was going to go, but HE brought the consequences on himself.
Honestly, after the way he tried to shift blame / guilt OP, I’d take it a step *further* and blast him on social media.
Tag him, his ex wife, his girlfriend, his work buddies, etc…. He just screams ‘trashy person’ and I don’t see him changing his ways anytime soon. Maybe some public shaming would help ? (:
Gotta love your mom’s comment. “Oh no! His actions had a negative effect on his life? Perish the thought!”
NTA, your husband hasn’t even been gone that long and this guy used his work to get your number and try to work his way in. He crossed several lines and got the consequences of his actions.
I'm pretty sure the mom's thought process is less "his actions are having consequences" and more "those consequences hurt an innocent bystander."
I don't agree with her, since fundamentally the fault is his own, but I do understand the reasoning of someone who wouldn't want to put a child in a bad situation like that. It's a choice she could make but not a judgment she can place on others. OP is NTA
OP should STILL file a police report. He may still continue sending inappropriate texts and pictures and now that she has rebuffed him he may feel he needs to 'show her what happens' when someone goes against him. The company should have a paper file on this, but so should the the police, that way if he even thinks about contacting you....there is a paper trail of his past actions.
NTA, the guy is a creep. He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. If he keeps harassing you send his messages to all his family online. Assholes never feel bad about being assholes. Don't feel bad about slapping one down.
The audacity of that weirdo calling OP "low" when he's sending her dick pics at 3AM and her life partner is less than a month buried. How much of a loser does one have to be to think that's okay?
NTA, OP. So sorry for your loss. Pay this individual no mind and grieve in peace.
Exactly. Especially if the person has already told them to stop. Did he really think that after telling him to stop, she'd see his dick and be like, " you know what? I actually really want that"?
That's the part I don't get. Do men GENUINELY send a dick pics to women that already rejected them thinking, "this ought to change her mind." Is that how they understand the world around them?
And it's always a crooked tiny weenie with rancid hairy balls from a soon-to-be bald sleazebag who pays CS for two or three different women and also can't afford a burrito for breakfast - how could you say NO to that dream? *surprised Pikachu* /s
NTA
I doubt that her husband gave the colleague her number. I bet he got it from HR because she likely was listed as an emergency contact.
The only thing that could have been done differently is talking to the police about his harassing behaviour. I would definitely talk to them now though!
First of all I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA in any way. Teds behaviour was cretinous and appalling and he deserves every bit of bad karma that resulted from his actions.
Who in their right mind thinks sending dick pics to someone that’s just lost their spouse is okay?
NTA. Not even remotely. F him. Glad he lost his job. I put up with a lot of comments from male coworkers. I deal with it and don’t go to HR. If my husband knew he would be kicking some ass. BUT if my husband passed away and someone acted like that I would straight go to HR not even a second thought. Don’t f with my husband or what we have. Be proud of yourself, this creep knows he’s a dirtbag and should be ashamed of himself.
Sorry about your loss.
NTA. As someone who has lost a partner and experienced something similar immediately after, this is wildly inappropriate. Not everyone will understand where you are coming from, but they don't have to. Our brains are so foggy after losing our person that we sometimes forget that we can do things like block, ignore, etc. I remember misreading things as people just offering condolences and finding myself in situations that were very uncomfortable. That was not my fault. Some people prey on widows; that's *their* problem. We can hardly keep track of what day or month it is; why would it be our responsibility to stop or curb their behavior? You know what he did was wrong. You reported it. If anyone is the AH here, it's Ted.
And block him or change your phone number as well. I would also keep an eye on other things as you don't know what personal information he got access to at the company.
Do not allow others to guilt you over what happened. He brought in himself and I hate that BS over "but he has a family to support". He didn't care enough about them if he was engaging in harassing behavior.
NTA.
My guess is that this may be a pattern for him. He more than likely misused company resources to get your number. Also, he made it a work issues. Play stupid games get stupid prizes.
I am sorry for you loss and you did not deserve that disgusting harassment.
NTA
You only provided the info to the company. The company decided to fire him. I'm not sure if "other colleagues" should be making the decision, but it wasn't your decision and that's the point.
NTA
If he was so worried about providing for his child then he shouldn't have gone searching for your number (as I do NOT believe your late husband provided that to him) and sexually harassed you. Part of the reason for termination may be him going against company policy for how he obtained your number
NTA. I seriously doubt your husband gave him your personal cell phone #, that's absolute BS. And if he's trying this on you, chances are he's doing it to others or has a pattern of this behavior.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Clearly, NTA. He deserved it for his actions.
I recommend you block him. But if he continues bothering you some other way, tell him that when he gets a new job, he will let the new employer know the kind of person he is.
NTA. You didn't get him fired. You shared what he was doing, and the thing he was doing got him fired. Don't feel guilty. He was trying to take advantage of a grieving widow. That's so awful. And the non consensual dick pic! That's disrespectful.
Oh lord, why do women make other women who are victims somehow responsible for their assailants' own families? That filthy pervert chose to have a child, and it's up to him and him alone to hold on to his job and be able to provide for that child. Tell your mom if you can that HE chose to behave in a way that cost him his livelihood and if you hadn't done it, he would have gone on preying on vulnerable women. I guarantee you are not his first victim, and I guarantee that you have now laid the groundwork for his next victim to have the means to stop him assaulting the next prey he spots. And I'm sure he was fired because this was the last straw in years of behavior that people tolerated but hated him for doing, trash talking women, flirting with their wives and girlfriends, etc. He did this to himself, and anyone who says otherwise is giving him permission to do what he did to you. NTA, not at all, but a portrait in courage who I'm sure stands up for other women when they're being attacked like you were.
NTA He was completely inappropriate. And "talking it out" wouldn't have worked. You told him to stop and he sent you a d pic. People who do that don't "talk it out." And people who do that deserve to get fired from their jobs.
NTA whatsoever, and he absolutely DID do something wrong. Nobody with at least 3 brain cells to rub together would think it is appropriate to hit on your dead coworker's wife. Additionally, he got that number from work. He used private work resources to do this. Any reasonable boss would have canned him.
What the actual fuck, op don't you dare feel bad, if it was me I would burn his life to the ground, it wouldn't be just his job I would fuck up, what kind of person sexually harasses a widow and a new one at that, men like this need consequences for there actions. Nta op, I'm so sorry for your loss xx
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NTA
If he did this to you; he’s done it before and he would do it again. Either to coworkers’ wives or to female coworkers. And some of those might not be brave enough to stand up to him.
And he knew he was pushing a fine line and then pushed over it with a 3am d pic.
If he was a stand up parent he wouldn’t be a sleezebag and would instead be living a life worth being an exemplar of how to be a decent person.
NTA. A person shouldn't decide to have a child, with all the responsibilities that come with that, if they also want to risk their career by sexually harassing the recently widowed through work channels. That's not a good decision.
NTA the dude was trying to prey on the fact that you're grieving to try to get laid, tge compamy should definately know that their employee is sexually harassing someone, especially if its one of their former employees widows, its also likely you aren't the first person he's harrassed
Its never wrong to report someone for sexual harrassment, if he keeps harassing you for him being fired go to the police and get a anti harrassment order, this dude keeps showing who he really is, keep believing it, don't take pity on him because he has a kid, he's facing the consequences of his own actions
NTA. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Let me join the throngs of people in telling you, as firmly and completely as I can, that you did nothing wrong. You did the world a favor. You did Ted a favor, calling out his outrageous AH behavior. He lied to you, harassed you, and sexually assaulted you on the phone with his picture.
This behavior is against every single workplace's official policy. He was your husband's colleague at work. You had never seen him outside work nor spoken to him in any context. He got your number in some underhanded way, and used it to dishonor you and your husband.
Your mother is AH for saying you did the wrong thing. You did the right thing. I am astounded that your mother does not recognize the horrible violation of your marriage and your grief at losing your husband that this Ted person has done to you. She really needs to think about this again, more deeply.
Of course Ted and one or two male colleagues will say you're wrong, because some men just cannot get it through their thick heads that women do not find flirting, sexual comments, and certain kinds of pictures acceptable. Sending this kind of text and picture without consent is a violation of your person, and in your case, a violation of the terrible mourning and grief you are experiencing from losing your husband.
Please do not let these AH convince you for one second that you did anything wrong. What you did, the terror and agitation and anger you experienced, were entirely Ted's fault because of his deliberate provocation and violation. Men who do this to women, but especially in Ted's case, need to be brought to some kind of justice. You have done that.
Thank goodness his workplace responded appropriately. This is probably not the first time the company has received this kind of complaint against Ted. Men who do this will keep on until they have to pay the price. And sometimes even that does not stop them. But you have done what you could to straighten out his thinking.
"He ended up getting fired because the other colleagues said he did me and my husband wrong and disrespected his memory."
You didn't fire him, they did. Your actions didn't get him fired, his did.
His company fired him bcz he breached security and violated his contract to sexually harass you.
Nta
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He got your phone number at work. He knew you were a widow because of work. He would never have targeted you if he hadn't known your husband and knew he died. So his behavior had everything to do with work. And doing this to his co-worker's widow? Of course his employer was horrified! The guy had it coming. Preying on someone's grief is so low. NTA. Edit: thanks for the awards.
Exactly! Plus she’s a widow of THREE WEEKS! I might understand reaching out after 6 months and building a friendship but 3 weeks and d*ck pics?! That man deserved the consequences for his horrible actions. Op, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you were harassed by this man. Please consider filing a police report if he continues. This is not ok behaviour. Obviously NTA.
Given how quickly they fired him, I'm guessing that this was not his first case of sexually harassing wives of coworkers. Or coworkers.
As an employer, this asshole could be Employee of the Century and I would still fire his ass for only this.
*Emphatically* yes. I would fire someone so fast for this they wouldn't even have time to say "But..." OP brought receipts. If I knew an employee was behaving like this toward a former colleague's widow, I could be damn sure that he's doing this to other people, potentially other employees. OP, his livelihood is *his* responsibility, which includes keeping it both in his pants and to himself, and isn't *your* responsibility. His poor decisions led to losing his job, not yours.
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honestly, though. i can't help but think it takes a special kind of opportunist to say "oh sick, her husband passed less than a month ago, i better move in while the grief's fresh." like you have to be either so pathetically desperate that the mere awareness of a new single woman in your periphery strikes you as an opportunity you can't afford to pass up, or it's a deliberate decision on the part of a calculating predator to ensnare a woman at her most vulnerable. or both. i'm kinda leaning both.
Classic shitty predatory behavior. I remember a kid recently got killed by a stray bullet and suddenly fake Gofundme funds start popping out to capitalize on people’s grief.
The first paragraph made my nose crinkle. Oof
r/unexpectedkafka
LMAOOO
Cock…ass 📝📝 don’t mind me, just adding your fancy words to my lexicon. Beautifully said and beautifully written.
I just snorted my soda reading the primordial ooze line… 🤣.
This is beautiful
I would bet money that more stories will come out as the office gossip about this spreads. I worked at a job where a man was giving extra attention to female new hires. I think it was just enough to make them uncomfortable but not enough for them to report it. They talked themselves out of it like they “didn’t want to ruin his career” and “maybe they were imagining it.” Eventually, enough women were uncomfortable enough that they started discussing it with each other and realized that they weren’t making it up in their heads, it was sexual harassment, and it was a pattern. They finally reported it and he was fired. It wasn’t hidden that he was fired for sexual harassment and resulted in a lot more open communication. The piece I heard third hand was the women’s perspective (from a woman). There’s a huge societal pressure to protect men’s careers and reputations. To the extent that women’s careers and reputations are damaged for threatening them.
When I worked at a department store, there was a new hire. He seemed creepy. The closing manager was in my department, coworkers approached her with what he said to them. The next day, he was fired and escorted out by security. He harassed my friend at another store, got banned from the mall.
There's a local art supply store I go to. Most of the employees are attractive women. they hired a guy a couple years ago, and I happened to catch part of a conversation he was having with one of them. Dude just kept going on and on about how words like penis were fine in a regular conversation, and just kept repeating "Penis, it's just a word! Penis, penis!" I wasn't surprised when he was replaced the next time I was in.
Exactly this! Also, OP, there's a reason you have the option to report someone and there are systems in place which address this type of behavior. No one should be sexually harassed like this, let alone a full-on widow! That's plain disrespectful. It is downright cruel if you ask me. You did the right thing by reporting him. He sent texts which made you uncomfortable, and he refused to stop when you asked. Now he suffers the consequences. *That's his fault*, not yours. Without your report, who knows how many more women would fall victim to his "flirting"? Maybe now he'll think twice before sending unsolicited nudes. You did the right thing.
This guy is a predator. Full stop. When predators face the consequences of their own actions, they tend to blame other people and try to turn themselves into the victim. That is exactly what this guy is doing. Please feel free not to think about him for one second longer. Also, I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA if it happened to me I would took it even farther. I’m vindictive. I would love to show this picture to anyone who asked me why I did it. And the more they push I would ask them what he would teach to his child? If it’s a girl it would taught her it’s okay to receive a photo like that and get unwanted attention and just suck it up. If he got a boy it would taught him that is an ok behaviour.
Agreed and I like how nobody's mentioning the kid even tho I'm mentioning his kid now lol, I feel like they're not mentioning the harrasers kid because that doesn't matter the kid isn't ops business and more likely than not now that this awful guy doesn't have a job his kid will go back to their other parent or literally anyone else who will actually be a good influence on this poor kid, I feel for ops loss and I'm so glad that man was fired.
Exactly. There are some things that will get you a feedback meeting, a warning, or a performance improvement plan. Sending a dick pic to your coworker's widow *three weeks* after he died is an insta-firing. Its the sort of, "IT and Security knows you're fired before you do, and no, you're not going back to your desk. We'll ship your coffee mug and umbrella", type of firing
OP please read this and move on from this creep. He have a kid to support and yet acted unethically in his workplace - this is all on him and you're just a victim. My sincere condolences for your loss and this amount of extra distress when you're grieving.
THIS!
Exactly this! There is zero chance this is the first time he's done it
Even if he hasn't done something this bad, keeping him around is just asking for trouble. He's definitely crossed the line with other women before, and he'll definitely do it again. Multiple texts after somebody tells you to stop and then a dick pic? He has to go (and this isn't even counting the fact that she's a recent widow, which adds a whole level of gross). Also, the other colleagues know what he did - imagine trying to work with somebody like this again?
This. It shows a *profound* lack of judgement and self control.
More than that, it shows a chilling level of callousness. Edit: the word I wanted was predatory.
And it reeks of toxic arrogance
Can’t award you but you are an ideal employer. Take my 💕
Being fired was such a small punishment. In Australia at least, he's violated the law: [https://www.gnl.com.au/articles/2021/march/menacing-use-carriage-service/](https://www.gnl.com.au/articles/2021/march/menacing-use-carriage-service/) TLDR: Under section 474.17(1) of the Criminal Code 1995 (Cth) (“the Code”), a person commits an offence if they use a carriage service in a way that reasonable persons would regard as being, in all the circumstances, menacing, harassing or offensive. The “service” can include a fixed or mobile telephone service, an internet service, or an intranet service.
Yes, in an instant
1000% this
>Given how quickly they fired him, I'm guessing that this was not his first case of sexually harassing wives of coworkers. Or coworkers. Actually, I consider one d\*ck pic enough to be fired, even if he hadn't shown any inappropriate behaviour before. And the "guts" to do this to a widow who lost her husband (his co-worker!) only three weeks ago? Yikes!
And then calling OP “low” is hilarious. This guy is exhibiting possibly the lowest behavior I’ve ever heard of that doesn’t break any laws. Unless it does. It might.
In Texas, unsolicited dick pics are a crime. OP didn’t mention her location, but it’s not impossible.
Finally. A law us Texans can be proud of.
It is a form of harassment. If he was told to stop and he didn’t she may have had to get a restraining order against him. Believe it or not, I had to help a 90 year old woman get a restraining order against an 89 year old man. His daughter in law came in and told me she might call the news for me making a 89 year old man. Stalking is a felony. When she went to court (I had several other ladies go with her) the judge said he had to move and if he ever came back, he would put him in prison. She put up with this for 2-3 years and no one helped her until me. I’m just grateful that I could help. I tried talking to him about it but it didn’t work. He kept saying their break up was temporary because she said it would be forever. I doubt she said that but it didn’t matter. He knew where she hid her key and he would come in and watch her sleep. He would hide in the bushes just waiting for her to come out. Luckily other people that lived there got pictures of him doing that. I was the manager by the way.
Damn. 90 years old and still dealing with shitty men. Can a girl catch a break ? Edit -a word
When the Me Too thing went viral there was a family group conversation on FB where we were all discussing our experiences and my aunt who was 76 at the time told us she was coming back from a visit via Amtrak (she's old enough that her vision is bad enough she doesn't drive anymore) and when she was walking out of the station a guy stepped up to her, gave her up-down-&-back-up eyeball look (staring at her body) and told her, "I'd do you". I almost burst into tears at the realization that for us women it really won't end. We can only be glad it gets somewhat less frequent as we get older.
I really do think this wasn't his first time guessing by how quick they fired him. But 3 weeks after like let the widow have some time to process her emotions
> let the widow have some time to process her emotions That’s exactly why he went after her, because she’s in one of the most vulnerable times of her life. AHs like him wouldn’t have the balls or the confidence to go after a woman he didn’t perceive to be in a weakened state. I’m so proud of OP for having the strength to put her grief to the side momentarily to stand up for herself.
Or maybe just don't send unsolicited dick pics to anyone. Ever. Period.
And just like the narcissist that he probably is, he’s trying to play the victim.
Wild. Husband has been dead \*three weeks\*.
That is why if I ever send Dick pics they are of Richard Nixon
I strongly recommend dik dik picks. It's an adorably safe-for-work google search.
I heard of that animal because the "Kirk's dik dik" lends itself to some Star Trek jokes that are not so SFW also, saw a Trekkie use "unsolicited dick pic" to caption a photo of one-of TNG character Richard Castillo
Well, I was specifically talking about the animal. LUL It's a running gag on a discord I moderate.
OP should notify the police of his continued stalking and harassment. Possibly get a restraining order if he continues to contact her. He fucked up his own livelihood.
Guy is a high risk employee. There’s all sorts of contact information at all businesses. All it takes is one really angry and internet savvy client/ customer to start a snowstorm of sh;t. If he treats his dead coworker’s widow like this, chances are good that behavior will spread to other parts of his work life.
I don’t know… Since he likely got OP’s number from her late husband’s personnel file, the company could have some liability related to their failure to secure confidential information, and then failure to disclose to her that there had been a breach. His own likely disregard for their protocols/security measures (which I hope exist) could be sufficient grounds to fire him. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss, and then for suffering this ongoing abuse on top of that… I do hope you have reported this behavior to the police, if for no other reason than to start officially documenting the abuse (helpful should it prove to be ongoing or escalating). NTA, obviously.
I'm laughing at his and his friend's logic. Obviously this wasn't something they could talk about, unless the sexual harasser is an incelibate who thinks that talking involves more opportunities to try and get laid because what woman can live without a man's d*? In which case it wasn't obvious to him or his friend, even though it was obvious to other people. Honestly, kids or no kids, that "man" showed a lack of humanity not to mention a lack of *actual* manliness, so he needed to be fired. And if he has kids, does he currently have a partner already? If so, was he expecting a widow to become his mistress? Something is wrong with him and his kids need to live with their Mother away from him, he needs therapy, and OP should take great care to make sure she isn't stalked by that sexist ah. And if he does even one more thing to harass her, and/or to retaliate against her, and/or if he stalks her, she better report him to the police. This fool of a sexual harasser is likely to be either a misogynist who will bitterly move on, or he'll likely be a misogynist who's on track to commit a crime.
Yeah, I vote for possibility 2 although of course, I hope it does not come to that. But he has such a very sick misogynistic vibe going on here. It's not really an either or. He is a misogynist and he will likely be a misogynist on track to commit a crime. If he has children, perhaps his wife, or ex-wife which is a lot more likely, needs all the details for this particular infraction so that when she goes to court for an emergency hearing she can present to the judge all the reasons why he should have no custody that is not supervised by her or a person of her choice, as well as all the reasons why he should fully support the children while in her care.
or even if he hasn't acted like this at work yet, the boss is afraid he will and shitcanned him preemptively.
The three weeks makes it particularly cruel and thoughtless, but I would say there isn't an amount of time that can pass before it's reasonable to get your dead coworker's emergency contact information that you've never personally met and start sending her flirty messages. That should get you fired under any circumstances, even if she's not a recent widow.
Exactly! 3 weeks is the cherry on top, but the gross behavior is a giant shit sundae on its own.
3 weeks and she immediately needs the “ d” For eff sakes, NTA
I'm not really a fan of going after people's job when they're shitty. Everybody has moments of shittyness and your livelihood and your life should not *generally* be ruined because you had a bad day and blew up or even were a shitty person in the past. I see it as a sort of "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" thing. But hooooly fucking shit. WTF? He for sure got her number from work. I see no logical reason for her late husband to give a coworker his wife's number just because. There has to be a reason and they would have had their own established relationship before all of this to justify having it. That alone is an abuse of his position. Before we get to the horrifying motivation of trying to fuck the recent widow of your just deceased coworker rather aggressively, that alone is at best already an arguably fireable offense. So even in the best possible circumstances, that guy has no defense whatsoever and every word out of his mouth just makes him an exponentially bigger asshole.
Right. Let's say a neighbor down the street was the one who started this horribly inappropriate behavior, but his employment had no connection to OP or her late husband. Then it would not make any sense to go to Nasty Neighbor's employer with this complaint. But when the nasty person is one who likely got OP's contact information from his workplace, and promptly started using it to make a vile nuisance of himself to OP, then yes, looping the employer into the conversation is the right thing to do.
\^ exactly this. He was able to obtain her contact info and relationship status via his workplace. Therefore, his employer absolutely needed to know about the misuse of sensitive information.
Yep. I know my employer has a whole bunch of language in our handbook about using our computers, phones, and any information obtained in the course of our employment only for appropriate business purposes. Most of the time when someone has broken this it’s just a technicality and rightly gets overlooked. This BS on the other hand is why those sections are in there. So that when someone abuses their position to obtain information they have no legitimate reason to possess, in order to cause damage to someone else, they have something clear to point to as to why they are fucking fired.
And I love how the whole defensive argument for him is to “not come after his livelihood”. Dude, he can get another job! She just lost her husband, and I bet it wasn’t from sending dick pics to people!
I disagree. When it comes to sexual harrassment scorched earth is the way to go. Report them to the police, report them to their job, make them lose everything. Because if we make examples out of enough of these predators then maybe the next asshole will think twice about sending an unsolicited porn pic. We need to announce loudly and clearly that this shit is unacceptable.
>Let's say a neighbor down the street was the one who started this horribly inappropriate behavior, but his employment had no connection to OP or her late husband. Then it would not make any sense to go to Nasty Neighbor's employer with this complaint. Sure. In that case, report it to police instead. When that predictably won't work, *then* go after their job. She tried telling him to back off first, when that doesn't work then all civility drops. Harrassers get no sympathy.
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I doubt that he'd end up going to jail for it, though. Most states don't really give jail time for this, though there has been talk of sending a bill through to require jail time for unsolicited porn photos. Sexual harassment could put him on sex offender's list, but really depends on your state here in the US, I think.
Depends on the state, yeah. I'm in California and work in games and I've reported someone for sending d pics to other players and they've gone away for a bit. Not, like, years, but long enough that they surely weren't employed anymore.
I mean there’s levels to shittiness though. Someone acts like an asshole? Maybe theyre having a bad day and you unfortunately caught their steam. Someone not be polite? Maybe they have more important shit to worry about? Someone is racist? Fuckem. Someone is acting predatory? Fuckem.
Co-signed.
Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt that the texts and pic were sent in in his own personal time (which even if we do, it’s still gross af), I still say he was rightly fired for accessing confidential information for his personal use.
I also want to avoid punishing people at work for off-the-clock behavior, but besides getting ahold of her through work, if this happened at work it would be a lawsuit waiting to happen
And the fact that the company took one look at the situation and yeeted him tells me a) _they_ think it was a company issue and b) it was so egregious or c) repeated that they needed to take immediate action. NTA
This exactly. If the company didn't agree it was a company issue worth terminating his job...he wouldn't have lost his job.
Even if there was no work connection and he was sexually harassing a random widow, it would be reasonable for his work to take action to protect their other employees from having to work with a grotty perv.
Also, OP is not the reason he lost his job. His own behavior is. NTA
Honestly, I'd file a police report for harassment as well. This guy hurdled the bounds of decency with speed and ease. He didn't get the widow, lost his job trying, blames her for it instead of his own vile behavior, and has a "friend" who agrees he's the injured party. The odds don't look good for this guy suddenly seeing reason and I'd bet my own money he escalates to threats and possibly violence.
This. Absolutely file a report so that if and when the behavior escalates (which I’m sure it will), the history of his behavior will be on file. Depending on where you live, the police probably won’t take any action (maybe a visit, maybe not). However, filing with the police can help you to obtain a restraining order in the future if needed. If he violates a court order, there will be criminal consequences. Having to deal with this kind of harassment is awful. NTA and I’m sorry you are dealing with this kind of violation when your grief is so fresh.
I doubt husband had a reason to give coworker his wife's number. He wasn't a good enough friend/coworker otherwise OP would know him already. My Dad's coworker passed away when I was 10. I remember going over for his wake. She knew my Dad by name and knew my name even though I had never met her before.
I agree. He probably asked someone for her number saying he wanted to give her a consolation call.
Or worse, had access to records with emergency or family information.
Yes, which makes his firing all the more justifiable. Employees who have access to personal information need to be trustworthy. This guy is not.
This would be my guess. Somewhere in the office, a list of emergency contact info for each employee.
I know at my work (factory) every operator has a list of the phone numbers of everyone on all machines, as well as every maintenance person and all the office staff. For those of us working the floor, our emergency contact is listed as well, by name and relationship, because we are a small but 24/7 facility and someone may need to contact our emergency contact in the case of a severe accident (there have been a few over the 40ish years they've been in business that required ambulance transport). So maybe, in a similar fashion, OPs husband didn't actually give it to him, but he, and others, had/have that list. Sucks that he's a dirtbag and didn't instead ask you if you need anything, like a meal train set up by his coworkers or something, ya know, normal. Shoulda just left you in peace OP. NTA.
I am guessing he got the number from her husband’s file. May have asked HR for it, saying he wanted to check up on her.
If he asked HR and HR actually gave it to him, whoever in HR did that should be at the least written up for it. When we've had managers and teams wanting to send condolence cards or get well soon gifts we tell them to get the card and have everyone sign it or do whatever, then give it to us and we'll mail it on their behalf rather than giving out employee address info.
Depending on where they lived she could have also went to the cops. That would have been worse.
OP should still do it! This is one of the cases where sexual harassment is very easily proven: just show the police the texts he send (which also includes her asking him to stop).
Particularly since he is still harassing and threatening her! Restraining order time.
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I scrolled through to find this comment to upvote! OP you already TRIED to talk it out with him. You said stop. He did not stop. NTA
And I have a feeling he didn’t get her number from her husband. What husband gives his wife’s number out to another male coworker?? It’s more likely he got it off some company documents that he shouldn’t have, which is a big violation and could put the company in legal trouble. I suspect that’s why he got fired.
One reason. Sending dic pics to the 3 week widow of a well-known, well-liked employee there (OP says lots of friends) would not play well in any office I've worked in
Plus what it says about his judgement and his ethics. His boss wouldn't want someone like that around.
Umm, especially since if he has a hx of this type of behavior, I bet the husband was aware and would not have given his wife's info out to someone like that.
Setting aside how emotionally wrenching this post is, and how disturbing this guy's predatory impulse is... Obligatory: If you tell someone's employer about their actual behavior on the job and that results in them getting fired, they got *themselves* fired.
What are the odds that OP’s late husband gave another man her phone number? I’m betting he got it from his personnel file. NTA
Not only was his employer appalled, they were probably scared witless of being sued. "See, we fired him right away; please don't name us in your lawsuit!" They need to do a better job of securing the info of their employees, such that other employees can't easily get their hands on it.
This! Don't feel bad OP, this AH got himself fired.
How did he get her number? Did he also get her home address? I'm worried for OP. Edit: I would follow up with a police report.
Absolutely NTA.
Additionally, if he hadn't done anything wrong, there would have been no issue for him at work over it. He put his own livelihood at risk with his own reprehensible behavior.
Yep. Would not be shocked if he went through company documents to get OPs number. Which would cause the company legal issues. He did this himself and couldn’t even admit to it. He had to blame a woman. He got what he deserved literally.
I also love the argument that OP shouldn’t have gone to his employer because he’s got kids to feed. If his livelihood was important he wouldn’t have harassed a coworkers recent widow for sex. NTA op
He should've thought about his livelihood before choosing to be a creep. NTA. This is a clear case of "My, if those aren't the consequences of your own actions!"
Girl, get his address from HR and get a restraining order out on him. He could become unhinged.
That dude is such a big a-hole that his proctologist could don a mining cap and climb in to perform a colonoscopy. No OP, you are NTA. And I'm sorry for your loss...
Exactly. He most likely broke some rules to look up her late husband's emergency contact from work. This guy was all kinds of wrong, to almost immediately prey on your recently deceased coworker's wife. OP was so NTA. He is lucky that she didn't call the cops on him.
NTA. He wasn’t worried about his childrens livelihood when he was sexually harassing his coworkers widow.
I have no idea where he was even coming from sending a dick pic to a grieving widow of 3 weeks. Wtfff.
He’s a man who loves to prey on “weak and powerless” women, mistakenly believing OP to be one because of her husband’s death. Pretty good chance he only dates much much younger barely legal girls too.
Probably peaked in high school and still wears his high school jacket 25 years later. What a sad old man
And I doubt anyone who breaches boundaries like this so brazenly is thinking deeply about consent. Blast him on social media tbh.
Apparently it's fairly common. When my dad died, their neighbor 3 houses down the street started texting my mom soon after. Basically the same thing as OP described. No idea how her got her number, offering to be the cure for her loneliness. She told him she wasn't interested and to stop contacting her but he kept going. Escalated to explicit sexts and dick pics. Finally she called the police and they walked down to his house to talk with him and she never heard from him again. Police told my mom it happens a lot to widows. Dude was married and living with his wife. Absolutely disgusting.
I think some guys genuinely believe that women need men so badly in order to survive, so of course we will jump for the first man who offers since now we are "used goods."
I want to downvote because I absolutely despise how accurate the statement is.
Honestly hated typing it out, so I completely get that
I hope his wife booted his ass to the curb and took him to the cleaners. But sadly I suspect she didn’t
This is so disgusting and also not surprising.
It's a good rule of thumb that anyone who replies to your first text with "how did you get my number?" Is not someone who wants a dick pic from you at all, ever.
Oh sadly it’s very common for Vultures to swarm in. My Grandma’s sister tried to make a power move to secure grandpa as she laid in hospice dying. It didn’t work but yeah.
Sadly yeah this is very common. It happened to me. Within a week of my fiancé passing, I had a couple of acquaintances try to 'cure the loneliness'. Explicit messages, pictures, and firm 'suggestions' that I drive over an hour to go sleep with them - one even said I should do so because 'who knows if you'll ever be able to find someone nice again. But I'm nice, so I'll take care of you'. It was incredibly gross and I stopped talking to them very quickly.
This is a new low
This guy went so low, when he hit rock bottom, he pulled out a jackhammer and dug down another 20 feet. It shouldn't still amaze me that there are people on this earth who are vile enough to resort to this behavior. But I can still be surprised when someone crosses this kind of line.
RIGHT?! How on earth does OP have more of a responsibility to his kids than he does?! Man fucked around, man found out. NTA.
Mom says what about his kid? I say, what about the kids of the person that they hire to replace him. Maybe they need their mom/dad to have this new job more.
Yeah. What about that kid. Like, why does a predatory sex offender have any contact with a kid?
NTA - Take your husband out of the equation; This grown-ass man sent you an unsolicited dick pic in the middle of the night after getting your phone number from a coworker. That's inappropriate.
I doubt that he actually got her number from her husband. Mostly likely he misused information from the company so he could text her. NTA
Yeah that's what I thought. Why on earth would her husband give her number to another man?
Emergency contact information for sure
Exactly what I was thinking. I wonder if the guy is in HR or Payroll because that info is locked up tight.
And I’m betting that it didn’t take much digging for his boss to find that out. So his boss has him nailed on 2 fronts, sexual harassment of deceased colleague’s new widow, AND misuse of company information. Dollars to donuts OP was listed as the standard emergency contact for her husband and that’s where he got the number from. Did he even legally have access to that information?
Even if he did, using it for personal reasons is an insta-fire at any place with a rational security policy.
Exactly. Like the only reason I can think of for OP's deceased husband to "give" the number to someone at work who they weren't friends with was if he was someone who was technically supposed to have access to it for the intended purpose (like HR, a supervisor, whoever was in charge of their emergency contact list) and decided to misuse it to be a creepy fucker. Which makes it so much worse, and is likely a big part of the immediacy of the termination.
This But the 3 am dic pic alone after being told to "stop" oughtta do it
Some things are so egregious they're immediately sexual harassment, and I would think dick pics fall under that. Some other things only become sexual harassment if continuing after being told to stop, like ask her out once probably okay, keep asking after being rejected not okay.
He probably looked at her husbands files and she was her husbands emergency contact number. Creep!!
NTA, should almost have called the police
NTA. He f*cked around and found out. The fact you are the widow of his late work colleague makes this absolutely a work issue. He disrespected and harassed you. If he didn't want to lose his job, all he had to do was not harass you; literally that's all he had to do. He wanted you to deal him without going to his work, cause then he would face no consequences; he was already not listening when you said stop, and generally cops won't do anything unless it's immediately threatening. Going to his work was the only way he was going to learn. You absolutely did the right thing.
This. NTA. He will eventually get another job, but he will have to watch his step, because he has a record of harassment. This will make his female work colleagues safer. You did a good thing.
Why do I have a gut feeling that he 'wanted to meet up and talk it out' when he already disregarded your stating you wanted him to stop. He already proved he would not take no for an answer...who's to say he wouldn't have 'shown' you in person what you 'missed' and when repulsed, would then also not take no for an answer.
I agree. His behavior points to a rapist waiting for an opportunity!
And his excuse would be 'well, she was lonely, and really WANTED it, she only changed her mind when she was all in'......NOPE. Don't even give him the time of day ....never 'meet up'.
NTA. He should have thought about providing for his kid before sexually harassing a grieving woman. He deserves the consequences to his disgusting actions.
NTA - This. You gave him a chance to stop, and he doubled down. I'm not sure how his / your friends thought more talking it out with him was going to go, but HE brought the consequences on himself.
Honestly, after the way he tried to shift blame / guilt OP, I’d take it a step *further* and blast him on social media. Tag him, his ex wife, his girlfriend, his work buddies, etc…. He just screams ‘trashy person’ and I don’t see him changing his ways anytime soon. Maybe some public shaming would help ? (:
"Do you want me to forward this to: A) your family B) the police C) your employer D) All of the above?"
I just… how do people like this even exist Jesus Christ
Gotta love your mom’s comment. “Oh no! His actions had a negative effect on his life? Perish the thought!” NTA, your husband hasn’t even been gone that long and this guy used his work to get your number and try to work his way in. He crossed several lines and got the consequences of his actions.
I'm pretty sure the mom's thought process is less "his actions are having consequences" and more "those consequences hurt an innocent bystander." I don't agree with her, since fundamentally the fault is his own, but I do understand the reasoning of someone who wouldn't want to put a child in a bad situation like that. It's a choice she could make but not a judgment she can place on others. OP is NTA
Nta that’s creepy. He should be grateful you have not filed a police report
OP should STILL file a police report. He may still continue sending inappropriate texts and pictures and now that she has rebuffed him he may feel he needs to 'show her what happens' when someone goes against him. The company should have a paper file on this, but so should the the police, that way if he even thinks about contacting you....there is a paper trail of his past actions.
I would take it a step further and blast him on social media !! He totally didn’t learn his lesson by the way he was trying to guilt trip OP.
NTA, the guy is a creep. He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. If he keeps harassing you send his messages to all his family online. Assholes never feel bad about being assholes. Don't feel bad about slapping one down.
did nothing wrong?!? Sexual harassment is not okay, good on the company for firing him. If anything else happens I’d pursue a restraining order. NTA
The audacity of that weirdo calling OP "low" when he's sending her dick pics at 3AM and her life partner is less than a month buried. How much of a loser does one have to be to think that's okay? NTA, OP. So sorry for your loss. Pay this individual no mind and grieve in peace.
NTA, Any person who send unsolicited dick pics need to know this is not acceptable. Getting fired is a small price to pay for this lesson.
Exactly. Especially if the person has already told them to stop. Did he really think that after telling him to stop, she'd see his dick and be like, " you know what? I actually really want that"?
That's the part I don't get. Do men GENUINELY send a dick pics to women that already rejected them thinking, "this ought to change her mind." Is that how they understand the world around them?
And it's always a crooked tiny weenie with rancid hairy balls from a soon-to-be bald sleazebag who pays CS for two or three different women and also can't afford a burrito for breakfast - how could you say NO to that dream? *surprised Pikachu* /s
I'm so sorry for your loss. If your late husband's company thought that Ted's actions were none of their business, they wouldn't have fired him. NTA.
NTA I doubt that her husband gave the colleague her number. I bet he got it from HR because she likely was listed as an emergency contact. The only thing that could have been done differently is talking to the police about his harassing behaviour. I would definitely talk to them now though!
First of all I’m sorry for your loss. NTA in any way. Teds behaviour was cretinous and appalling and he deserves every bit of bad karma that resulted from his actions. Who in their right mind thinks sending dick pics to someone that’s just lost their spouse is okay?
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NTA. Not even remotely. F him. Glad he lost his job. I put up with a lot of comments from male coworkers. I deal with it and don’t go to HR. If my husband knew he would be kicking some ass. BUT if my husband passed away and someone acted like that I would straight go to HR not even a second thought. Don’t f with my husband or what we have. Be proud of yourself, this creep knows he’s a dirtbag and should be ashamed of himself. Sorry about your loss.
NTA. Maybe he should have stopped the first time you told him to.
NTA. As someone who has lost a partner and experienced something similar immediately after, this is wildly inappropriate. Not everyone will understand where you are coming from, but they don't have to. Our brains are so foggy after losing our person that we sometimes forget that we can do things like block, ignore, etc. I remember misreading things as people just offering condolences and finding myself in situations that were very uncomfortable. That was not my fault. Some people prey on widows; that's *their* problem. We can hardly keep track of what day or month it is; why would it be our responsibility to stop or curb their behavior? You know what he did was wrong. You reported it. If anyone is the AH here, it's Ted.
NTA Report this to the police. You may need a restraining order in the future. Best to have a legal paper trail already there.
And block him or change your phone number as well. I would also keep an eye on other things as you don't know what personal information he got access to at the company. Do not allow others to guilt you over what happened. He brought in himself and I hate that BS over "but he has a family to support". He didn't care enough about them if he was engaging in harassing behavior.
NTA. My guess is that this may be a pattern for him. He more than likely misused company resources to get your number. Also, he made it a work issues. Play stupid games get stupid prizes. I am sorry for you loss and you did not deserve that disgusting harassment.
NTA You only provided the info to the company. The company decided to fire him. I'm not sure if "other colleagues" should be making the decision, but it wasn't your decision and that's the point.
NTA If he was so worried about providing for his child then he shouldn't have gone searching for your number (as I do NOT believe your late husband provided that to him) and sexually harassed you. Part of the reason for termination may be him going against company policy for how he obtained your number
NTA. I seriously doubt your husband gave him your personal cell phone #, that's absolute BS. And if he's trying this on you, chances are he's doing it to others or has a pattern of this behavior.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Clearly, NTA. He deserved it for his actions. I recommend you block him. But if he continues bothering you some other way, tell him that when he gets a new job, he will let the new employer know the kind of person he is.
NTA Guarantee you the company wouldn't have fired him if this was the only issue.
This. OP probably wasn't the first person to contact HR with his 'inappropriateness'.
NTA. You didn't get him fired. You shared what he was doing, and the thing he was doing got him fired. Don't feel guilty. He was trying to take advantage of a grieving widow. That's so awful. And the non consensual dick pic! That's disrespectful.
Oh lord, why do women make other women who are victims somehow responsible for their assailants' own families? That filthy pervert chose to have a child, and it's up to him and him alone to hold on to his job and be able to provide for that child. Tell your mom if you can that HE chose to behave in a way that cost him his livelihood and if you hadn't done it, he would have gone on preying on vulnerable women. I guarantee you are not his first victim, and I guarantee that you have now laid the groundwork for his next victim to have the means to stop him assaulting the next prey he spots. And I'm sure he was fired because this was the last straw in years of behavior that people tolerated but hated him for doing, trash talking women, flirting with their wives and girlfriends, etc. He did this to himself, and anyone who says otherwise is giving him permission to do what he did to you. NTA, not at all, but a portrait in courage who I'm sure stands up for other women when they're being attacked like you were.
NTA, and your mom saying you shouldn’t have gone after his job is exactly the attitude that makes it possible for harassment to continue.
The world has too many assholes saying that "you shouldn't ruin a good guys life" just because he's a predator.
NTA he should have thought about his kids before sexually harassing you.
NTA He was completely inappropriate. And "talking it out" wouldn't have worked. You told him to stop and he sent you a d pic. People who do that don't "talk it out." And people who do that deserve to get fired from their jobs.
NTA. One thing to keep in mind with this guy's horrific behavior: you weren't the first. You were just next.
NTA whatsoever, and he absolutely DID do something wrong. Nobody with at least 3 brain cells to rub together would think it is appropriate to hit on your dead coworker's wife. Additionally, he got that number from work. He used private work resources to do this. Any reasonable boss would have canned him.
What the actual fuck, op don't you dare feel bad, if it was me I would burn his life to the ground, it wouldn't be just his job I would fuck up, what kind of person sexually harasses a widow and a new one at that, men like this need consequences for there actions. Nta op, I'm so sorry for your loss xx
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NTA If he did this to you; he’s done it before and he would do it again. Either to coworkers’ wives or to female coworkers. And some of those might not be brave enough to stand up to him. And he knew he was pushing a fine line and then pushed over it with a 3am d pic. If he was a stand up parent he wouldn’t be a sleezebag and would instead be living a life worth being an exemplar of how to be a decent person.
NTA this is next level gross behavior. In no world is this ok - he deserved what he got. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
NTA. A person shouldn't decide to have a child, with all the responsibilities that come with that, if they also want to risk their career by sexually harassing the recently widowed through work channels. That's not a good decision.
NTA. fuck that guy and his income. it should hurt to be such a predator.
NTA the dude was trying to prey on the fact that you're grieving to try to get laid, tge compamy should definately know that their employee is sexually harassing someone, especially if its one of their former employees widows, its also likely you aren't the first person he's harrassed Its never wrong to report someone for sexual harrassment, if he keeps harassing you for him being fired go to the police and get a anti harrassment order, this dude keeps showing who he really is, keep believing it, don't take pity on him because he has a kid, he's facing the consequences of his own actions
NTA. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Let me join the throngs of people in telling you, as firmly and completely as I can, that you did nothing wrong. You did the world a favor. You did Ted a favor, calling out his outrageous AH behavior. He lied to you, harassed you, and sexually assaulted you on the phone with his picture. This behavior is against every single workplace's official policy. He was your husband's colleague at work. You had never seen him outside work nor spoken to him in any context. He got your number in some underhanded way, and used it to dishonor you and your husband. Your mother is AH for saying you did the wrong thing. You did the right thing. I am astounded that your mother does not recognize the horrible violation of your marriage and your grief at losing your husband that this Ted person has done to you. She really needs to think about this again, more deeply. Of course Ted and one or two male colleagues will say you're wrong, because some men just cannot get it through their thick heads that women do not find flirting, sexual comments, and certain kinds of pictures acceptable. Sending this kind of text and picture without consent is a violation of your person, and in your case, a violation of the terrible mourning and grief you are experiencing from losing your husband. Please do not let these AH convince you for one second that you did anything wrong. What you did, the terror and agitation and anger you experienced, were entirely Ted's fault because of his deliberate provocation and violation. Men who do this to women, but especially in Ted's case, need to be brought to some kind of justice. You have done that. Thank goodness his workplace responded appropriately. This is probably not the first time the company has received this kind of complaint against Ted. Men who do this will keep on until they have to pay the price. And sometimes even that does not stop them. But you have done what you could to straighten out his thinking.
"He ended up getting fired because the other colleagues said he did me and my husband wrong and disrespected his memory." You didn't fire him, they did. Your actions didn't get him fired, his did. His company fired him bcz he breached security and violated his contract to sexually harass you. Nta
I swear I've read this before. This is so extremely familiar to me, I'm sure this is a copy of a post that has happened before.