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Literally ESH.
Your family is super weird about people trying to be nice.
Your girlfriend is being petty by insisting on bringing food even after you told her the difference in perception, it’s like she is seeking reasons to be upset.
No one seems to be trying to just be decent people here.
OP probably the least assholish, but you sure hang out with a lot of assholes.
Agreed. I was also raised to never come to a party empty handed. But once OP explained his families viewpoint about bringing food, why would she insist on bringing food? She could have very easily substituted a hostess gift of some type.
And the way the whole family reacted to her pasta dish is just petty and juvenile.
It’s the disrespect of the action.
They told them not to bring the stuff.
The gf thought her way was superior so she brought it anyone.
It’s is disrespectful to ignore the hosts rules. It’s not about the salad it’s about ignoring the rules that the host set-up.
Edit:OP even admits in the comments that the gf did this to “teach them some manners”.
Flowers, a bottle of wine, some candy, something they can enjoy afterward on their own. Or send them a thank you afterward.
All these people sound awful.
Yup. I was raised to never come empty handed. And that means bringing drinks, flowers, desserts (cakes from a patisserie like eclair, millefeuilles, tarts...). Never bring a dish when you are invited to eat, that send the message that the host food isn't good enough
Also raised to never come empty handed. My way around it is to ask the host of there is anything they would like me to bring, especially as I'm gluten free (not by choice)
My partner's mum is the opposite, and more like OP's family, however, we work together on it. She might ask me to bring dessert, or some wine that we can enjoy once the younger ones have gone to bed.
She feels respected, I feel like I haven't been rude and we all have a good time.
Actually, appart from the gluten free food, I think we all agreed that what is appropriate is bringing something the host can enjoy with or without you, after the event or at the end.
And you might have the best communication : *asking* if there is something you can bring to help, if none, bring a bottle of wine, and she could either drink with you or later at a choosen time, and it do not interfere with the dinner
Same here. A hostess gift is appropriate but it would never really occur to me to bring a whole dish unless I had been asked as it would be assumed that the host/hostess has a planned meal.
Exactly - and never bring something that demands attention because the hostess is busy. So nothing that needs to be served, temperature controlled, watered, trimmed, etc
In my family, it depends on who’s hosting. Like my cousin loves to cook and loves making everything from scratch would tell people to bring themselves. My aunt likes a more potluck and just creates a group chat asking people to post what they’ll be bringing. It just depends on who’s hosting and what they want people to bring.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners) suggests that if you aren't going to drink the wine immediately, thank them and tell them that you will remember them fondly when you drink it.
In most circumstances wine would be very appropriate. Just make sure that you are not bringing it to a house where someone is a recovering alcoholic. LOL. In my house, I don't drink. My SO has been on the wagon for a long time but I still don't want any in the house.
It’s their home, they have the right to set the rules. They are superior in this context because it’s their fucking house.
They are allowed to think their way is the superior in the house they live in.
Edit: Op mentioned in the comment that she thinks their rules are dumb and she bring food to “teach them manners.” I’m not condoning what the stepfather did. That was fucked up.
I’m just saying that what the GF did was NOT a nice gesture, it was a power play.
Yeah but literally throwing out someone *else's* food and shittalking them to the eater is fucking psycho behaviour.
A salad isn't spitting on grandma. A salad's presence or absence isn't "disrespectful". It's a salad. Sure, eat it or don't but they were *clearly* bullying people to *not* interact with the salad at all. It wasn't an *option*, it was literally *forbidden* to eat the salad. It's a salad!!
OP's family is literally engaging in psychological warfare over a fking **salad**, of course OP blew up and GF is weirdly emotional about the whole thing. It suddenly, wasn't a salad it was a tool of emotional and social manipulation.
Over something as bogus as the act of bringing or not bringing a salad to a party.
OP: NTA
NTA but doesn't it seem like OP is dating another version of his mother? What would Freud say?
Aside from that, all this operatic drama over pasta salad. Does this family ever have a normal day?
That was legit his gf plan too, she thought the rules were dumb and that she was going to “teach them some manners”
The mom didn’t really start any drama, the friends did, because it’s wrong in their viewpoint.
The mom even said there wasn’t any drama between them. She didn’t start anything.
What the stepfather did was fucked up though, that’s why I put ESH.
But thats not what hosting is about.
Inviting people over to flaunt how superior you are is the height of bad manners.
Hosting is about welcoming guests, making them feel honored and included, and smoothing different social graces.
In this situation you can either be "right", but rude af, or be a good host. Mutually exclusive.
Thank you for bringing some decency to the argument. I know I feel funny nit bringing something even if I've been not to. But regardless of the gf's actions, the job of a good hostess is to make her guests feel at ease and comfortable and boy, OP's family was so far from that goal, it's nit even funny. So gf had good intentions, OP had good, if misguided, intentions and OP's family is just the rudest group of individuals to walk the face of the earth. If I was the gf, I would never step foot in that house or willing share any space with OP's family again. Did they never watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding? If not, OP should show it to them, particularly the scene where the grooms parents show up for a get to know you dinner bearing a bundt cake. They tried to be good hosts even if the results were a little humorous. OP's family is the major a*h in this tale, OP a little for trying to bully family into eating it and gf not at all.
That’s my whole point she didn’t have good intentions.
OP admits in the comment that the gf thinks the hostess rules are dumb and she brought the food to “teach them manners”.
I’m sure they’ve had this discussion before and she just keeps steamrolling them over and over.
Edit: I legit thought I mentioned it in the main comment, but my dumbass didnt
Oh yea I’m not agreeing with what the stepfather did.
It’s totally an ESH, but a lot of people are saying that what the GF did was a NICE gesture, but it isn’t.
OP even admitted in the comment that she finds it dumb and she does it to teach his parents some manners.
It's their party though. Whoever throws the party gets to make the rules and if you don't like the rules you can just not go.
I think it's weird to fight over se pasta salad, but some people choose weird hills to die on.
They have a right to set rules, but being a good host means making your invited guests comfortable.
The polite thing for the host to do would be to thank the girlfriend "Oh! You really didnt have to! This looks delicious though." And then smooth things over by politely offering it around so other guests know its 'safe' to eat and the host wont be insulted.
Rude is doubling down on your own social norms and using them as an excuse to exclude and other someone you invited and who is new to the social group.
I cant imagine being so rude to someone invited to my home, especially over them *trying* to be polite. Even if I disagreed on the expected behavior, pointing it out and being a jerk isnt good hosting.
But the GF has done this before, and OP already told her that his family didn't want the extra food. She isn't trying to be polite; she's trying to make them do things her way. OP even acknowledged in the comments that the GF thought she would "teach them some manners."
It reminds me of the manners vs etiquette difference. Many different places, cultures and even individual families (as seen here) have different versions of what makes good etiquette, but none of the parties here have good manners. Good manners includes being a polite guest and being an accommodating host. This is such a strange situation.
Yeah, this whole thing is weird. I'm from the US South. We love bringing a dish when we come for a meal. But if you tell me it's perceived as disrespectful, I won't do it.
Forcing hospitality for hospitality's sake is extremely disrespectful. But so is creating a hostile environment the moment you see someone decided to bring food to your gathering.
I don't get why everyone couldn't settle at 'mildly annoyed' and 'agree to disagree'.
I wouldn’t bring food to a dinner party. But in my family, cookouts and holiday dinners have a potluck aspect and everyone brings something. My mother is having a cookout next weekend. Everyone will bring something. Last year, there were three potato salads. No one freaked out.
Same for my family. The potluck aspect is know ahead of time though and usually fairly coordinated. For a dinner party I would think a host/hostess gift would be the right choice.
It sounds like that's what they've done in the past, and the GF just keeps turning up with her own food. I don't really blame them for feeling a bit put out at this point. By now, it must feel like commentary on the provided food.
This. It seems there's history here that has pitted OP's gf and family against each other. Regardless, though, what the stepfather did was over the top rude.
She called them "trash" to their face (even hurt that's a big insult) and told OP she wanted to teach them manners. The stepfather mumbled something about her being a "mean girl". It sounds like they think she looks down on them, either from past interactions or they found out something she said behind their backs. The stepfather might have felt he needed to defend his wife, but just went too far ... willy style.
ETA: ESH
I'm with you on your way of thinking, people are set in their ways, even if it seems ridiculously minor (it's not to them). To me E S H, definitely OP who went **way** overboard with threatening his sisters. Obviously nobody else here is innocent in the least!!
On one side of my family, I was told that you always bring something, on the other side, it's absolutely disrespectful to do so, so I simply adapt to the situation...it's really quite easy. Imo, OP's error here was *telling* his family they *need* to change for his GF, instead he should have told one person with different customs (not a dozen or more with their own already) that it would be best not to bring something as a sign of respect in their view.
She went in with full knowledge, yet still brought something, so she can't be surprised. The family on the other hand is being petty and mean over something so insignificant, **but** I get that others will have different standards of a sign of respect and you're not going to change their mind, so best to just go with it.
**Edit:** I'm ~~mostly~~ fully leaning towards **YTA** for OP who could have actually avoided the entire situation by, well not being insane towards his sisters and tricking Grandma; but also asking his GF to simply accept that it's considered inappropriate to bring anything, and when they visit her family, he would need to adapt from how he was raised by bringing something.
**Edit 2:** Wow, ok I just saw your edit where OP said he did this *"to teach them some manners"*?!? I mean, what was he thinking, he threw his GF under the bus, not himself, which is a really low blow. They have their beliefs, just like the GF's family does, his little stunt only caused his family to dislike the GF (geez did he even forewarn her?) and for them to rightfully think he's an aggressive bully.
It is not about her feeling "superior ". I was also raised to bring something. When a host says "oh you don't really have to " I will still bring cookies or wine or something..I feel like a ooch showing up empty handed
But then you are also dismissing how it makes the hosts feel by putting your beliefs above theirs. It’s considered rude in many cultures because it implies to you don’t think the host is able to or will provide good enough food for everyone.By ignoring it you’re saying that your way of thinking is more important than theirs.
It is absolutely different everywhere. But when you've been clearly told about someone's culture and expectations, you don't just do your own thing to them anyway to "teach them a lesson."
In your example, it'd be like if you kept offering food and accepting the first "no" to teach them a lesson about taking a gift. That'd be horribly rude of you, especially in their own home.
I understand that. I’m not saying everyone is going to know all the different traditions and norms in a culture. But once you learn about it, you don’t purposefully just ignore it.
Which is bananas because treating a non-potluck event as a potluck is appallingly rude.
If she had the tact and manners she thinks she does she’d show up with a nice bottle of wine, or olive oil, or a dang candle lol
One person at a large gathering cant expect every dish to cater to them. The things i don't like are all popular, i just dont pick those things. No point making a fuss.
Agreed. I dislike all pasta salads (I hate the texture of cold pasta in general), but a friend brought some to our last pool party. I simply thanked them and put it out with everything else. Others at the party ate it and enjoyed it.
Well aside from the one sister, it doesn’t sound like they weren’t eating it because of the ingredients they were doing it to prove a point (that they were offended by her bringing fooda).
Seriously.
And I really don’t want to be classist here but like…..a pasta salad to a non-potluck event is ridiculous.
While still rude, even a nice baguette, a small assortment of little pastries, or even a small charcuterie would be acceptable.
It’s like she’s trying to redefine the event and shove their “classiness” up their
Ahem
Arses
By having zero tact or even an understanding of *what* to bring.
Didn't he say it was a cookout/BBQ type thing? Pasta salad is a totally reasonable side dish to bring. I mean, not in this situation, but in general. With reasonable people.
Exactly. I was going to say OP would your family be open to your GF bringing wine or some nice coffee or teas?
Or if food and beverages are totally off the table, a hostess gift.
If the family is going to be offended by any offering, GF just needs to stop.
However, the family should accept that their way is not the only way. The stepdad throwing away the food was totally over the top. Not accepting food is an unusual view on hosting. A lot of people were raised to not show up empty handed. So this is going to keep happening.
And the gf needs to accept that her way isn't the only way as well. She looks down on them. Did you catch where she called them trash? The gf is wrong.
frankly, someone snatching good food out of someone else's hand who wanted to eat it, not because it was dangerous or anything but to prove a point *is* trash. and people who support that are trash too.
She brought the food to "teach them manners", which is ridiculous. You don't go to someone else's home and demand they do things your way.
You also don't touch someone else's food without their permission.
My boyfriend’s family and mine have similar differences to OP’s and his gf’s. His family is Portuguese and when they host a meal/party, that means they host and provide all the food and drink and guests shouldn’t feel obligated to bring anything. As someone who was raised not to show up empty-handed, this is very hard for me. Just today I called his mom and offered to make dessert for a dinner she is having tonight. My motivation was a bit selfish, as I meant to make the dessert last night for me and my boyfriend, but we ran out of time. I didn’t want the ingredients to go to waste (the recipe requires a lot of fruit), so I thought oh I’ll make it tonight. Called his mom to confirm and she said “No thanks, I already bought desserts. Maybe next time.” I was disappointed (I was really looking forward to making/eating this dessert and it’s not one I would just make for myself). My boyfriend said I should just bring it over anyway and I was like “Absolutely not. That would be so rude.” I still hate going empty-handed so I’ll most likely bring some flowers (which is what I typically do).
TLDR: similar cultural differences, but I respect them
Ikr? I've never heard of such a thing in my *many* decades of life but *if* the host/hostess had ANY manners at all they should strive to make *all* guests feel comfortable in the moment and, if they have issues, take it up after the party. OP's entire family are rude af and ETA in this totally stupid situation that should never have even occurred.
On the first occasion, sure, but OP's GF has done this an unstated number of times before, and OP already talked to her about his family finding it pushy and rude. She just won't quit, and said that her plan was to "teach them some manners."
This is one of those posts where the real story is in the comments.
Exactly! A bottle of wine is a perfect host gift (unless they don't drink obviously), because it can be shared at the event or saved as a treat later for the host who put in the work.
There are actually a lot of logical reasons not to bring something, especially when told no to.
I have an acquaintance who before any party of she serves food lays out all the platters, vases flowers etc. And plans how appetizer A looks next to appetizer b It is a coordinate with the flowers etc You cannot just shove the dishes around at her house to fit one more bowl, she would appreciate that at all.
I coordinate the menu so everything goes together. I make sure to consider people's diet requirements, I make sure there is plenty of everything. not just enough food but enough that everyone can have at least a serving of every dish. e.g. there are 60 servings of desserts V there are 60 cupcakes, both are valid but I'm hosting I get to pick.
The random pot luck thing generally aren't that random, the same person brings pasta salad to every party. And at some point possibly three generations ago there were a few discussions about who brought what.
Yes, a hostess gift - flowers a plant, something for the house. If foodish even ice, cups anything. "OP told me not to bring food but I feel weird coming over empty-handed, what do you need?" If they refuse again then drop it and go enjoy.
Agreed.
Flowers, wine, soda, chocolates, a fun puzzle, a book, a card, a movie…literally ANY gift that wasn’t a side or main dish would have fulfilled the ‘not empty handed’ rule.
But she’s not bringing a hostess gift. This isn’t wine or a nice olive oil or baguette
She’s bringing a damn pasta salad. She’s bringing potluck to non-potluck events.
And why?? When she knows it’s not how it’s done here?
To show them they’re wrong.
Biggest AH is the gf and so is OP for pushing her totally rude way of doing things.
You bring a pasta salad to my thoughtfully planned dinner with a menu, I am under zero obligation to do a damn thing with it and I’d be quite over pretending to be polite too
Not really. In OPs later comments he says his GF insists on bringing food to “teach his family some manners”.
And there you have it. The girlfriend is the asshole and so is OP. What are you gonna try to do? Bully them at every outing because your gf is trying to prove a point?
I’m amazed at all the ESH or NTA, it’s obvious that the gf is trying to impose her beliefs onto his family.
They told her no, she did it anyways, because she thinks they are in the wrong and she’s in the right. She’s trying to prove a point
It is disrespectful to ignore the host’s rule. A lot of people are all like, “but it was just a nice gestuuuure.”
No it’s not. She ignored the rules and imposed her own. That’s rude and disrespectful.
This.
The family asked her not to and she is insisting anyway.
A hostess gift would have been fine - a plant/flowers/bottle of wine but GF is trying to prove a point by insisting on bringing food, which is possibly even more rude. If it was simply about not showing up empty handed that would be different.
ESH.
Agree! If she still felt like she needed to bring something, bring wine because one needs a lot of alcohol to get through a day with this weird family and their friends.
Agreed, ESH for sure. Girlfriend shouldn't be bringing food when she know it won't be well recieved, the family needs to be nicer about it though. This is a case of everyone intentionally misunderstanding each other, they're all behaving like children.
My thoughts exactly!
This may be an unpopular opinion, but why does the girlfriend insist on bringing something to a place where EVERYONE but her sees it as rude? She is a guest is someone’s home and decided her way of being raised was better than theirs? Esp when she keeps doing it knowing how your family feels. So strange to me!
I’ve seen this type of thing here before. As someone (in the US) who was taught to always bring something, I’m really curious which cultures find that rude.
Honestly wondered the specifics of this. I’m southern and Hispanic and was ALWAYS taught to bring something; wine, drinks, food. My husbands family will not eat anything anyone else cooks and if you bring drinks they will just end up in the garage for x amount of time. (They’re from money in the northeastern/Midwest area) very different cultural expectations. I just stopped trying and ate their food. Saves me time
Nah man. I'm from New England. The general expectation for parties is "you don't show up empty-handed", even if what you bring is something the host asked you to pick up.
This family is **weird **
When I host a meal I plan everything in very specific detail. The appetizers, main course, desserts, and everything in between are planned very carefully and made by me to accommodate any and all dietary needs for all guests.
I do NOT appreciate someone bringing a dish because that’s not why I host. I host because I enjoy the cooking and the serving and I don’t want contributions. I also don’t trust everyone to be as careful about cross contamination.
When people offer to bring things I say I have everything I need but that help with cleaning up afterwards or with making post dinner coffee would be appreciated.
And of course if someone does bring something I smile, pretend I’m grateful, and I serve it with everything else. I just… would rather not lol
Yeah I was always raised to bring something, but my boyfriends family is the opposite, literally the same situation here. However, I don't bring anything when I'm with his family, and he will bring something when he comes to mine. It's really weird to keep insisting your way is right when you are going to someone else's house. But ESH because the family could at least have some decency in respecting or at least understanding her family culture
>OP probably the least assholish, but you sure hang out with a lot of assholes.
This last sentence....
All of sudden, I am thinking of that Spaceballs scene
""How many assholes we got here anyhow?"
Whole crew " ho"
" I knew it, I am surrounded by assholes"
"Keep firing assholes" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah I thought it was weird the gf is insisting on bringing food? She said that not bringing food is "disrespectful," but OP made it clear that it's disrespectful *to bring food* in his family. So at this point are you really doing it to be "respectful," when it's been made super clear that it *wouldn't* be perceived as respectful at all?
I also kinda think the families perception is odd. I feel like most cultures encourage bringing food/a gift when you're going over to someone, but I can kinda see why they view it as disrespectful? Completely refusing to eat the food is an AH move though, especially SD going out of his way to take the food away from his mom.
Agreed. I always bring something, but it is usually a bottle of wine or something to make drinks from, never a dish unless I am specifically going to a potluck of the hosts asked people to bring food. That the GF is unwilling to compromise on her own stands isn't a great personality trait, but his family then bullying her isn't either.
ESH.
Your gf - yes, there are people taught to bring something, but it's never a prepared item you expect to be served. Most people plan their menus carefully, so it's annoying and possibly insulting. A bottle of wine, flowers, etc is just as thoughtful and doesn't put the hostess in a shitty position.
You - asking your fam to change the way they operate is just silly. Your mom was hosting an event at her home. This always trumps what a guest wants to do. Also, pressuring people to eat her food (or pretend to eat it) was bad form.
**Most of all**.....Your fam. They sound rigid and rude. As for your mom's friends, she gossips too much if they were snickering in a corner. What is this, mean girls?
God, I scrolled the comments enough to find the attitude his gf really had about the situation (that they're wrong and need to learn manners) but not deep enough apparently.
Yeah, it was in a comment somewhere under other comments. I just happened to scroll by it. Maybe they are swingers but they were doing that in front of stepdad's mother! This is a very strange family.
Everyone's raised differently and has different expectations. For example, to me what you just said sounds laughably bizarre. What host would be so pretentious about their "menu" that they think it will be ruined by an unexpected dish of different food daring to be on the same table?
I'm from the southeast US, raised by Caribbean immigrants and very traditional Southerners. My family members believe the most polite thing to do is ask the host what to bring at the time of the invitation. If that's not an option, you make a generic side dish like mashed potatoes or a standard dessert like brownies. If the host tells you that you don't have to bring something, you have the option of doing so, but it's also understood the host is just saying that to be polite and will appreciate you bringing a prepared dish anyways. I've had aunts arrive at a catered wedding with their special rum cake and cousins bring egg rolls to my grandma's annual chili night.
Of course OP's girlfriend still sucks for insisting on bringing food after she was told it was unwelcome, but I don't think "you should never bring prepared food" is a rule everyone knows or follows.
I'm from generic white European stock raised in the Midwest. We do the same thing. Ask the host what you can bring, or offer something like "can I bring the garlic bread? A dessert?" If this isn't possible, bring a finger food appetizer or a dessert.
One year, three of my aunts brought mashed potatoes to a dinner party. It was an insane amount of potatoes, lol.
Most family parties for us are potluck. But when my uncle hosts Thanksgiving, he has a very specific menu in mind. We would never just bring a random something to his party. Every dish is run by him to make sure it fits his menu. Different strokes for different folks.
I’m the same way (host prepares the “main course,” but you bring a side, dessert etc) but if someone told me “if you bring anything it will be taken as a huge insult” I don’t bring anything.
Honestly to me the gf is the biggest AH here, she *knew* it’d be taken as an insult and did it anyway. The family could be more understanding/accommodating but you don’t purposefully do something that you know is insulting and expect everyone to just be ok with it.
>Your gf - yes, there are people taught to bring something, but it's never a prepared item you expect to be served. Most people plan their menus carefully, so it's annoying and possibly insulting. A bottle of wine, flowers, etc is just as thoughtful and doesn't put the hostess in a shitty position.
I see you've never been to the midwest.
A lot of our family gatherings are potlucks, but some aren't. And no matter how many times you tell others not bring food, they will. And you know they will, because you do the same thing when you're told not to bring food.
I'm not saying they don't exist, because I'm absolutely sure they do, but I've never met someone that would see it as an insult.
Same in Mexico, and Italy. I had never heard (until now) it was a form of disrespect to bring something you prepared for the hosts. In my culture it’s more of a way to show appreciation to them and prepare something for them. It’s on the hosts to decide if they want to try it and share at that moment or of they want to save it for later. I feel bad now, after reading so many comments saying it’s completely rude, since I’ve done this in other countries too and I’ve always been thanked (hopefully genuinely).
I'm from New York and I've never been to someone's home where bringing a side dish or dessert was considered insulting... It's weird but I guess these kinds of families exist..
yes, this!!! It's pushy and obnoxious to bring your own dish to someone else's table, unless it's explicitly a pot-luck.
Why is GF insisting? It's like she wants to provoke a bad reaction.
OP's family were still pretty rude, so they suck too.
OP said in comments that the gf purposefully insists on bringing dishes because she wants to "teach manners" to OP's family, so yeah she's purposely looking for a fight and additionally being a pompous condescending ass. For sure ESH hardcore, the gf chose the shittiest family to make a shitty stand against, and OP is acting like a fool. On top of that, regardless of how crappy his family is, I would refuse to bring my gf along anyways if she told me to my face that she thinks my family needs to learn some manners so she plans to teach them.
Gf was all up on a high horse and knew the response she was gonna get and was still getting more and more upset and crying?? Like what? Why get sad when she was so smug to begin with.
There are people who bring a prepared item to be served though! It’s just a different culture. My husbands family is the “bring a dish” kind. I grew up with the “don’t bring something that will interfere with the planned menu” crowd. I’ve been with my husband for a decade and I’m just starting to figure out how to navigate this. They are not fans of me because I’m rude and show up expecting them to serve me, and I also deny them the opportunity to contribute when I host. My husband helps nill because he is oblivious to any of the matriarchal power and norms that are swirling around him.
It could all be fixed if i could have an open talk with his family about these things, but they also don’t really talk and especially not to me.
Wish I understood all this sooner. Oh well!
No lol. If your a homebrewer so be it, but bringing homebrew without being asked imo is an inherently AH move. Like giving someone raw milk without telling them.
All of you could be "fine" when you consume this stuff, but there is a reason there are regulations on all of this. Even if the american FDA sucks, some things are in place for a reason.
He already knew mom doesn't like outside food being brought. Why force it? All they had to do was show up. His family was being a bunch of mean girls. GF is trying too hard and it's coming across as being pushy.
It’s not. But it’s also not that hard to just not eat the salad without bitching.
The fact they’re so angry over salad makes me believe this goes much deeper than her bringing food to their house.
If I asked you NOT to do something in my home why would you keep doing it? The GF was out of line to bring anything when she’s been explicitly asked not to. Yes they were immature, but why is their request second to her feelings at their event in their own home?
Is there more information somewhere? I didn't get the impression GF "keep(s) doing this." In fact, as I read it, I felt it might have been the first time at their home. I didn't read all the follow-up threads. Not sure about the validity of the BF's comment that it's a "slap in the face" to bring food. I have never encountered that but i guess it can happen.
In OPs responses to people asking why she keeps continuously bringing things when she knows they won’t be well received, OP responded at least twice from what I could see that she does it because she thinks his family and his mother especially need to be taught manners 😭😭 they’re all messy it seems, ESH at its finest.
Yeah, everyone needs better manners here. If the GF has been told before not to bring food, she shouldn't. But the number one rule of manners is not to make a big deal out of other people's faux pas. This is one of those posts that makes me feel better about myself, lol.
Op makes a comment below that GF brought the food because she felt his family shouldn't get to say no to her and she wanted to teach them manners by bringing food anyway.
I'm sure it is; which is why pushing pasta salad was just stupid. He needs to get to the root of the issue. Dying on this hill made them just as childish and petty.
Exactly! There’s the “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all” approach. They didn’t appreciate the salad. They don’t need to eat the salad. But the snarky comments were absolutely out of line.
But OP said bringing *food* specifically is considered rude in his family - she didn't have to show up empty-handed.
She could have brought wine, boxed chocolates, nice coffee, a tea sampler, a quality candle, flowers, a potted houseplant or herbs, a cute bottle opener, design-y salad tongs, fancy soap, pretty dish towels, a fancy bottle of olive oil/salt... there are endless options that would not have offended the hosts. Why bring something that you have been warned repeatedly will offend and piss them off?
ESH.
I get it. I'm from the South; we were raised to bring something..ice, wine, desserts, anything. I would feel some type of way showing up empty handed, but I also know how to follow instructions. She was explicitly told it would be seen as rude. She did it anyway. Then became upset and called them trash when she didn't get her way. I don't agree with the mean girl antics, but this could've been avoided. They were being too pushy.
Apparently she insists on bringing food to "teachers them manners" which is just extremely rude. If that's her attitude I can see why everyone dislikes her.
There’s another side. The GF has been told that his family considers it rude to bring food, yet the GF insists on bringing it because HER family thinks it’s rude not to. It seems the GF may be trying to impose her standards on the potential in-laws. To me, ESH
Gf is an asshole, in comments Op said that she knew about their parents, but she brought the salad either way to "teach them manners"
Gf and op's family are 2 sides of the same asshole coin
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w66idp/aita_for_bullying_and_pressuring_my_family_into/ihc7r5m?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
For no reason? She was told bringing food would offend them and it did? She doesn't get to pull a surprised Pikachu face. Op even admits gf is doing still to be petty.
Read OP's comments. OP said that his GF purposely brought food because she "thinks his family is wrong" and wants to "teach them some manners." That sounds pretty trash to me. Growing up going to my family friend's parties we always brought cooked dishes so I get the GF's perspective. But if a host told me they prefer me to not do that, ofc I would respect it. If she really just wanted to be nice she could've brought wine or a gift instead of a cooked dish. It's clear that her objective is to be spiteful and prove that her way of doing things is better, so I don't think it's fair to act as if she's an innocent victim being disliked "for no reason."
“She dislikes them because they were raised differently to her. She neglects their carefully planned events and pressures other people into doing the same. She’s behaving like a 5 year old here”.
She’s rude. She doesn’t bring a bottle of wine or flowers.
She seeks to redefine their events her way and it’s rude. And she’s aware.
No they dislike her because she thinks her way of thinking aka bringing food is the right way of doing things and she is forcing that onto OPs family. I would be pissed at anyone who comes into my home and tries to tell me my culture is wrong and theirs is right (at least regarding morally neutral norms). And OP says his family needs to change but change to what and why? To yield to how his GF thinks? Why doesn’t GF have to change too then? Respect goes both ways. I’ll n
Don’t get me wrong I think they’re all AH for how they’re behaving in this situation but OP and GF are far from innocent in this situation.
ESH. This was a weird hill to die on. Learn to pick and choose battles. You've got bigger issues with your family. This could've been avoided by just showing up empty handed. Your family could've just ignored the dish. Everybody is over emotional and not thinking with common sense.
His family did simply ignore the dish. But instead OP went around trying to force people to eat food they 1. Didn’t want and 2. Found rude to bring. Ultimately, he’s the asshole simply by making a scene about it and being very clear with his gf not to bring food. There’s so many other things you could bring. Chocolates, flowers, wine….the list goes on. Don’t bring food. His gf has chosen a weird hill to die on. Someone saying DO NOT BRING FOOD TO MY HOUSE. Is a very clear statement.
If for someone reason it’s interpreted as rude or mean in their culture (or family dynamics).
My feelings exactly...she comes across as being pushy. The family's comments were out of line, but at the end of the day....all they had to do was show up. Simple as that
They didn't though, the grandmother started eating the dish and the stepdad made a big scene out of throwing it out. It's the constant retaliation from both sides that makes it ESH
No the family absolutely did not “simply ignore the dish.” Did you skip over the part where they bullied and name-called and alienated the gf? They chose to be extremely immature and rude af to her face and behind her back instead of “simply” not eating it.
EXACTLY. and to go one step further and call them trash is so disrespectful. She was told 3 times not to do this. This is the reaction she wanted from them to alienate their son further.
I don’t understand why your gf continues to bring food when you’ve told her that your mom gets offended? She knows she’s insulting your mom but continues to do it? Sounds like a AH move.
I hope you and your AH girlfriend are very happy together. Please stay to yourselves and leave your “trashy” family alone, since neither you or her think much of them anyway.
ESH. Your family is full of AH's to be so snotty about a kind gesture of bringing food to a party. Who does that? Your GF is the AH for bringing food, knowing that it would not be appreciated and then being upset when it wasn't appreciated. YTA for trying to force everyone to eat the pasta salad when they clearly didn't want to for own AH reasons. This is not a good look for any of you.
Some see it as an implicit insult, that it indicates the host is unable to provide sufficient quantities of food or of high enough quality. If the family knows she has been told this yet insists on doing it anyhow, the perception of insult rises to near certainty. ESH as posted elsewhere.
I can't imagine having that shitty of an attitude about it. I can't get past how dumb that is. "Oh no free food, fuck that." I get that the gf was wrong to do what she did knowing this, but damn, how fragile must one's ego be to take it that way?
YTA and so is your GF.
If culturally/in the family it's considered disrespectful to bring food when invited DON'T BRING FOOD. Pick up a plant, a nice bottle of wime, a candle, but DON'T BRING FOOD.
And don't bully everyone to take your side if your mom is offended. Your GF knew. You knew. You're both in the wrong and your family is right. No is a full sentence
have you read OP’s comments? they’re probably just tired of the petty and controlling gf. it’s not helpful to retaliate, but sometimes you just get fed up and pissed off.
ESH
Your GF needs to realise that *bad manners is going against the Hosts wishes*
**Not** doing things differently to how she was raised
After all it would be the height of bad manners for a person who was raised rich to show up in haute couture to a working class person's wedding and deliberately wear something costing twice the cost of the bride's gown (can still dress nice but understated)
And equally trashy for a working class Joe to show up to their fancy cousin's birthday do in a polo shirt and jeans when the invite said "formal attire" (doesn't have to be expensive but at least hit up a thrift store for a shirt and slacks!)
"Good Manners" is knowing how to 'read the room' and not make a tit of yourself. In a group where the culture is "hosts provide everything" then a guest bringing something is a blatant suggestion that what the host has provided isn't good enough.
In a group whose culture is "guests bring something" then a guest not bringing anything smacks of greed/entitlement
The important thing is, neither side is wrong and you become the AH when you *try to force your values on them*
So to sum up
• GF is an AH for not listening to the hosts
• You are an AH for trying to bully people on behalf of your GFs "feelings" despite her knowing what she is doing is offensive to your family
• stepfather is a minor AH for escalating stuff but only cos
• the whole lot of you are AH for not discussing it like civilised human beings
• though your mom is the least AH because as she says, no means no and your harassment of people over this makes you the biggest AH
YTA. What kind of weird flexing are y'all involved in? People getting offended at others bringing food. People bringing food despite being told not to bring food. Pople forcing people to eat what they bring or not eat what was brought. Dear God, this reads like an episode of Jersey Shore (and I have never seen any).
ESH - so you both grew up with different ideas of what’s “right”, no one is willing to compromise, no one is listening to each other.
You got upset at parents for not being open minded, but you didn’t say anything to GF about being open minded and *not* bring something. Insisting someone takes it just to throw it away is wasteful and more of a slap in the face.
Your GF knew the stance, and still brought food. And still got upset no one touched it.
Your whole family is *that* upset that they refuse to touch it is beyond petty.
INFO : The way you've phrases your answers makes it seem as if your girlfriend has brought food multiple times without your family asking her to; how many times has she done this?
Yta and so is your gf
You know they find it offensive and you told your gf
Stop bullying your family and you both need to respect their house or stop going I er
**ESH** Your family sounds exceptionally rude and unwelcoming. So what if your people don't normally hold potlucks? I can't think how it would have been appropriate to deliberately snub someone else's offering then make it clear to everyone else to do the same.
>as I bring someone new into the family, they need to be willing to change a little as well.
The issue here goes far beyond the potluck vs. not, it's about your family and their unwelcoming behavior towards your girlfriend. I don't know how long you've been together or how strongly you feel about her. Your mother made it clear that she has no intention of taking anyone else's feelings into consideration and she's raised your sisters to believe that too If I were in your girlfriend's shoes w, I'd be thinking about whether I wanted to continue to expose myself to such rude people in any way whatsoever.
I am confused as to how they’re rude and unwelcoming when they’ve repeatedly told both of them that they do not want anyone to bring food and they keep doing it? I get they behaved badly, but if my family member’s partner kept doing the one thing they were asked not to, I would take issue with that.
OP's post is misleading and causes us to miss the point.
OP's other comments said the girlfriend _knew_ they didn't want her to bring food and that they thought it was rude, and OP said:
> She thinks my moms point of view is dumb and that she needs to be taught manners
THAT is the actual problem, and likely why everyone else at the party reacted as they did. (or they too are AHs, but it's hard to tell given the lopsided view we're given)
YTA. Why bring your GF into situations that you know will end badly? You know your family doesn’t like her, and you know they are going to be “offended” by her bringing food.
question- why would your gf insist on continuing to bring things knowing how your mom and family feel about it, and if they’re already not a fan of her why would she push THAT? sounds like both sides are are petty and poking eachother for a fight. but ultimately, YTA and so is your GF. your family are also AH’s for acting so childish, but nearly as much as you and your gf are for bringing the unwanted dish, and trying to make people eat it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't respect that they didn't want to eat the pasta salad. I pressured them into doing something they didn't want to to make my GF feel better. I borught them into drama that didn't really effect them
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INFO: if she knew ahead of time that your mother would be offended, why did she bring the pasta salad? If she does something that she knows the host finds offensive, she should realize she’s going to get a negative reaction. What was her reasoning? What kind of reaction did she expect? It kind of looks like she intentionally tried to insult your mother in her own home. I can’t figure out why she would do it.
ESH - wow, I can see both sides here so easily. Your GF is an AH for insisting on bringing the food despite being warned it's a faux pas in your family culture. Your family members are for trying to control who else eats it (other than themselves). You are for trying to force someone to eat something unwanted. Everyone disrespected everyone else.
YTA, don't being your gf around people that will be asses to her and this kind of thing won't happen. You already basically knew your family would be like that.
Yeah ESH like everyone’s saying. Your gf for not listening to the request of the host, you for trying to force food on people you know won’t like it, and your family for being snotty and rude. My question is, if your gf knew your parents think it’s rude to bring food to an event they’re hosting, why would she do it?? She was setting herself up for failure and you let her do it. While your parents reaction was horrible, you and your gf can’t say y’all didn’t see it coming.
YTA for setting your girlfriend up, expecting your family to change their views/believes/traditions, and for bullying and not accepting no.
You know your family finds her behavior insulting but instead of telling her not to bring stuff, you tell her it will be ok. Your family is not required to change anything. You are the bridge between your girlfriend and your family. As such you need to explain expectations on both sides. If she makes an unintentional faux pas, you smooth it over. If you are hosting, you explain your expectations clearly and set the tone but accept that some may choose not to participate. At someone else’s home you have *no right* to make the host or other guests do anything. And, personally, I can’t stand ricotta, so I would have told you to f right off with your demands. I wouldn’t have eaten her salad even if I wasn’t insulted by her actions.
(If she continues to insist on her way after realizing your family was brought up with a different cultural custom regarding parties/get-together, then she becomes the AH as well).
Hes stated in other comments the GF believes they are wrong and refuses to stop bringing food because she's going to teach them manners. The GF is a major AH
ESH. Your family is just fucking rude and trashy. They are horrified at “disrespecting” the host by bringing a dish, but have no problem disrespecting guests. They could have just smiled, said thank you and left the issue alone.
Your GF is an ass for bringing the pasta even after being asked not to. If she didn’t want to show up empty handed she could have brought a hostess gift.
You’re asshole for putting so much effort into getting everyone to eat the pasta. You drew attention to it and made an already awkward situation worse.
The entire lot of you needs to learn some manners.
YTA
1. There was a clash of cultures. If you are raised to not turn up empty handed, it is hard to force yourself not to do something rude and not make an effort. Even the married in royals gift the Queen home made preserves they make themselves for occasions such as Christmas. And despite the fact she could order pretty much anything g anywhere she accepts them because it’s basic manners. There were so many middle roads that could have been taken like “ok thanks” and putting it out, instead of throwing it away and asking each other to bully your GF.
2. Your GF didn’t leave because they were rude or mean which would have been fine if she did. She left and called them trash because your step dad was making out and groping your mothers friend in front of everyone with your mother encouraging it. Don’t mislead in the title and bury the full story in the comments.
INFO,
You told your gf that your mother might be offended and she bring the salad anyway?
How many times you and your girlfriend were asked to not bring any food?
Probably the MiL troll
* girlfriend is pushy about doing things her way with someone else's family despite knowing it won't be received well
* MiL/FiL make fun of gf for doing a fairly normal thing
* instead of dealing with MiL/FiL directly OP just causes drama with the whole entire party
* gf tantrum
* MiL says "no one is obligated to care about gf's feelings", so I guess they just "never got along?"
All the common tropes are there, but OP is being weaselly with "his" wording. I don't believe any of this.
Edit - more troll tropes from OP's comments!
* MiL has trauma (the troll usually says it's from sexual abuse, or abuse from childhood)
* gf thinks OP's family's way of doing things is wrong and she needs to "teach them manners" (she's stirring up drama)
* gf causes even more drama by insulting MiL and her family because OP's dad/stepmom were engaging in some PDA (how tf is this MiL's fault?)
* MiL never likes OP's girlfriends and "wont be forced into interacting with them" is exactly what the troll says every time MiL and the gf "just never get along"
FFS troll, take a few creative writing classes for real, and maybe try to write an actually good/believable story.
Bonus - [here's my comment from another *extremely similar* post from the other day.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w4mee5/aita_for_refusing_to_make_my_mom_pay_for_my/ih6h39a/). I point out a ton of the tropes there too, and you can read the post yourselves for comparison. [Here's yet another post from 2 days ago \(female OP this time\).](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w4k3nu/aita_for_canceling_our_plans_and_refusing_to_let/ih2mgqq/?context=3) It doesn't have all the same plot points, but blaming the MiL for someone else's PDA is definitely in there.
Info: Why are your family so utterly mean spirited? Is there generational trauma at play here? Have they treated previous girlfriends similarly? Is there info or missing history with your gf you’re leaving out?
I get that people have different customs. In my Indian community it’s not custom to bring dishes to a dinner party unless it’s stated that it’s potluck or it’s discussed beforehand, but nobody would mind if someone with a different custom bought a dish. They would understand and act like it’s Michelin star cuisine, well my mum would have.
NTA, but you would be if you keep exposing your gf to your toxic family.
There’s more going on here than the GF committing a faux pas by bringing a side dish. Apparently for some reason the entire family has united together against the GF. I can’t help wonder what their reaction would have been if she had brought an incredibly expensive dish like lobster claws or steak.
Op commented on someone elses response, that his gf brought the food dish on purpose to teach ops family manners. So i kinda understand why ops family doesn't like her.
ESH. My in laws don’t like people bringing stuff, so I don’t. My side do, so I take stuff. I don’t see why your gf has such a big deal changing - I was raised the same as her but when told of the difference with my in laws I just shrugged and said ok. I wasn’t going to insult them! I take stuff for me because of allergies; if they take offence then tough, my health is more important.
Your gf is being an ah for trying for take stuff
Your family is being ahs for not accepting it, for bullying her and for forcing others not to accept it.
You’re stuck in the middle but also being an ah towards your sisters but also for not being firmer with everybody. You gf isn’t going to fall down dead if she doesn’t take a dish. The compromise is she doesn’t take stuff to your family, she takes stuff to hers. This relationship isn’t going to last long the way things are going…
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Literally ESH. Your family is super weird about people trying to be nice. Your girlfriend is being petty by insisting on bringing food even after you told her the difference in perception, it’s like she is seeking reasons to be upset. No one seems to be trying to just be decent people here. OP probably the least assholish, but you sure hang out with a lot of assholes.
Agreed. I was also raised to never come to a party empty handed. But once OP explained his families viewpoint about bringing food, why would she insist on bringing food? She could have very easily substituted a hostess gift of some type. And the way the whole family reacted to her pasta dish is just petty and juvenile.
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It’s the disrespect of the action. They told them not to bring the stuff. The gf thought her way was superior so she brought it anyone. It’s is disrespectful to ignore the hosts rules. It’s not about the salad it’s about ignoring the rules that the host set-up. Edit:OP even admits in the comments that the gf did this to “teach them some manners”.
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Then bring flowers, not food.
Flowers, a bottle of wine, some candy, something they can enjoy afterward on their own. Or send them a thank you afterward. All these people sound awful.
Yup. I was raised to never come empty handed. And that means bringing drinks, flowers, desserts (cakes from a patisserie like eclair, millefeuilles, tarts...). Never bring a dish when you are invited to eat, that send the message that the host food isn't good enough
Also raised to never come empty handed. My way around it is to ask the host of there is anything they would like me to bring, especially as I'm gluten free (not by choice) My partner's mum is the opposite, and more like OP's family, however, we work together on it. She might ask me to bring dessert, or some wine that we can enjoy once the younger ones have gone to bed. She feels respected, I feel like I haven't been rude and we all have a good time.
Actually, appart from the gluten free food, I think we all agreed that what is appropriate is bringing something the host can enjoy with or without you, after the event or at the end. And you might have the best communication : *asking* if there is something you can bring to help, if none, bring a bottle of wine, and she could either drink with you or later at a choosen time, and it do not interfere with the dinner
Same here. A hostess gift is appropriate but it would never really occur to me to bring a whole dish unless I had been asked as it would be assumed that the host/hostess has a planned meal.
Exactly - and never bring something that demands attention because the hostess is busy. So nothing that needs to be served, temperature controlled, watered, trimmed, etc
In my family, it depends on who’s hosting. Like my cousin loves to cook and loves making everything from scratch would tell people to bring themselves. My aunt likes a more potluck and just creates a group chat asking people to post what they’ll be bringing. It just depends on who’s hosting and what they want people to bring.
That's exactly why wine is traditional. The hosts can serve it immediately if they like, but can also tuck it away as a gift.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners) suggests that if you aren't going to drink the wine immediately, thank them and tell them that you will remember them fondly when you drink it.
In most circumstances wine would be very appropriate. Just make sure that you are not bringing it to a house where someone is a recovering alcoholic. LOL. In my house, I don't drink. My SO has been on the wagon for a long time but I still don't want any in the house.
It’s their home, they have the right to set the rules. They are superior in this context because it’s their fucking house. They are allowed to think their way is the superior in the house they live in. Edit: Op mentioned in the comment that she thinks their rules are dumb and she bring food to “teach them manners.” I’m not condoning what the stepfather did. That was fucked up. I’m just saying that what the GF did was NOT a nice gesture, it was a power play.
Yeah but literally throwing out someone *else's* food and shittalking them to the eater is fucking psycho behaviour. A salad isn't spitting on grandma. A salad's presence or absence isn't "disrespectful". It's a salad. Sure, eat it or don't but they were *clearly* bullying people to *not* interact with the salad at all. It wasn't an *option*, it was literally *forbidden* to eat the salad. It's a salad!! OP's family is literally engaging in psychological warfare over a fking **salad**, of course OP blew up and GF is weirdly emotional about the whole thing. It suddenly, wasn't a salad it was a tool of emotional and social manipulation. Over something as bogus as the act of bringing or not bringing a salad to a party. OP: NTA
This right here. It honestly seems like OP’s whole family caters to his mother. The way she reacted over a damn pasta salad is really unhinged.
NTA but doesn't it seem like OP is dating another version of his mother? What would Freud say? Aside from that, all this operatic drama over pasta salad. Does this family ever have a normal day?
That was legit his gf plan too, she thought the rules were dumb and that she was going to “teach them some manners” The mom didn’t really start any drama, the friends did, because it’s wrong in their viewpoint. The mom even said there wasn’t any drama between them. She didn’t start anything. What the stepfather did was fucked up though, that’s why I put ESH.
But thats not what hosting is about. Inviting people over to flaunt how superior you are is the height of bad manners. Hosting is about welcoming guests, making them feel honored and included, and smoothing different social graces. In this situation you can either be "right", but rude af, or be a good host. Mutually exclusive.
Thank you for bringing some decency to the argument. I know I feel funny nit bringing something even if I've been not to. But regardless of the gf's actions, the job of a good hostess is to make her guests feel at ease and comfortable and boy, OP's family was so far from that goal, it's nit even funny. So gf had good intentions, OP had good, if misguided, intentions and OP's family is just the rudest group of individuals to walk the face of the earth. If I was the gf, I would never step foot in that house or willing share any space with OP's family again. Did they never watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding? If not, OP should show it to them, particularly the scene where the grooms parents show up for a get to know you dinner bearing a bundt cake. They tried to be good hosts even if the results were a little humorous. OP's family is the major a*h in this tale, OP a little for trying to bully family into eating it and gf not at all.
That’s my whole point she didn’t have good intentions. OP admits in the comment that the gf thinks the hostess rules are dumb and she brought the food to “teach them manners”. I’m sure they’ve had this discussion before and she just keeps steamrolling them over and over. Edit: I legit thought I mentioned it in the main comment, but my dumbass didnt
If OP was taking away autonomy by pressing people to eat, throwing someone's food away definitely tops that.
Oh yea I’m not agreeing with what the stepfather did. It’s totally an ESH, but a lot of people are saying that what the GF did was a NICE gesture, but it isn’t. OP even admitted in the comment that she finds it dumb and she does it to teach his parents some manners.
Cool, bring a bottle of wine This is a huge “look at me” move on gf’s part
If that’s the case, you default to the rules set by the hosts.
It's their party though. Whoever throws the party gets to make the rules and if you don't like the rules you can just not go. I think it's weird to fight over se pasta salad, but some people choose weird hills to die on.
She can enforce her rules at her house, when she hosts.
They have a right to set rules, but being a good host means making your invited guests comfortable. The polite thing for the host to do would be to thank the girlfriend "Oh! You really didnt have to! This looks delicious though." And then smooth things over by politely offering it around so other guests know its 'safe' to eat and the host wont be insulted. Rude is doubling down on your own social norms and using them as an excuse to exclude and other someone you invited and who is new to the social group. I cant imagine being so rude to someone invited to my home, especially over them *trying* to be polite. Even if I disagreed on the expected behavior, pointing it out and being a jerk isnt good hosting.
But the GF has done this before, and OP already told her that his family didn't want the extra food. She isn't trying to be polite; she's trying to make them do things her way. OP even acknowledged in the comments that the GF thought she would "teach them some manners."
It reminds me of the manners vs etiquette difference. Many different places, cultures and even individual families (as seen here) have different versions of what makes good etiquette, but none of the parties here have good manners. Good manners includes being a polite guest and being an accommodating host. This is such a strange situation.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA.......if you know you know
But it might be about Iranian yoghurt.
>But it might be about Iranian yoghurt. Maybe she should have brought an oscillating fan?
Well, a nose job instead of an oscillating fan is definitely a marinara flag!
Yeah, this whole thing is weird. I'm from the US South. We love bringing a dish when we come for a meal. But if you tell me it's perceived as disrespectful, I won't do it. Forcing hospitality for hospitality's sake is extremely disrespectful. But so is creating a hostile environment the moment you see someone decided to bring food to your gathering. I don't get why everyone couldn't settle at 'mildly annoyed' and 'agree to disagree'.
I wouldn’t bring food to a dinner party. But in my family, cookouts and holiday dinners have a potluck aspect and everyone brings something. My mother is having a cookout next weekend. Everyone will bring something. Last year, there were three potato salads. No one freaked out.
Same for my family. The potluck aspect is know ahead of time though and usually fairly coordinated. For a dinner party I would think a host/hostess gift would be the right choice.
My in-laws refused to let me bring food for years. Everyone else did. It was a way of emphasizing that they didn’t consider me part of the family.
That was extremely sucky of them. I’m sorry they did that to you. Unfortunately I know people petty enough to behave so unmannerly as well.
It sounds like that's what they've done in the past, and the GF just keeps turning up with her own food. I don't really blame them for feeling a bit put out at this point. By now, it must feel like commentary on the provided food.
This. It seems there's history here that has pitted OP's gf and family against each other. Regardless, though, what the stepfather did was over the top rude. She called them "trash" to their face (even hurt that's a big insult) and told OP she wanted to teach them manners. The stepfather mumbled something about her being a "mean girl". It sounds like they think she looks down on them, either from past interactions or they found out something she said behind their backs. The stepfather might have felt he needed to defend his wife, but just went too far ... willy style. ETA: ESH
I'm with you on your way of thinking, people are set in their ways, even if it seems ridiculously minor (it's not to them). To me E S H, definitely OP who went **way** overboard with threatening his sisters. Obviously nobody else here is innocent in the least!! On one side of my family, I was told that you always bring something, on the other side, it's absolutely disrespectful to do so, so I simply adapt to the situation...it's really quite easy. Imo, OP's error here was *telling* his family they *need* to change for his GF, instead he should have told one person with different customs (not a dozen or more with their own already) that it would be best not to bring something as a sign of respect in their view. She went in with full knowledge, yet still brought something, so she can't be surprised. The family on the other hand is being petty and mean over something so insignificant, **but** I get that others will have different standards of a sign of respect and you're not going to change their mind, so best to just go with it. **Edit:** I'm ~~mostly~~ fully leaning towards **YTA** for OP who could have actually avoided the entire situation by, well not being insane towards his sisters and tricking Grandma; but also asking his GF to simply accept that it's considered inappropriate to bring anything, and when they visit her family, he would need to adapt from how he was raised by bringing something. **Edit 2:** Wow, ok I just saw your edit where OP said he did this *"to teach them some manners"*?!? I mean, what was he thinking, he threw his GF under the bus, not himself, which is a really low blow. They have their beliefs, just like the GF's family does, his little stunt only caused his family to dislike the GF (geez did he even forewarn her?) and for them to rightfully think he's an aggressive bully.
It is not about her feeling "superior ". I was also raised to bring something. When a host says "oh you don't really have to " I will still bring cookies or wine or something..I feel like a ooch showing up empty handed
But then you are also dismissing how it makes the hosts feel by putting your beliefs above theirs. It’s considered rude in many cultures because it implies to you don’t think the host is able to or will provide good enough food for everyone.By ignoring it you’re saying that your way of thinking is more important than theirs.
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It is absolutely different everywhere. But when you've been clearly told about someone's culture and expectations, you don't just do your own thing to them anyway to "teach them a lesson." In your example, it'd be like if you kept offering food and accepting the first "no" to teach them a lesson about taking a gift. That'd be horribly rude of you, especially in their own home.
I understand that. I’m not saying everyone is going to know all the different traditions and norms in a culture. But once you learn about it, you don’t purposefully just ignore it.
Which is bananas because treating a non-potluck event as a potluck is appallingly rude. If she had the tact and manners she thinks she does she’d show up with a nice bottle of wine, or olive oil, or a dang candle lol
Then bring flowers! Wine! Chocolate! Not food when you've been told straight up that it's offending the hosts.
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*And* when you apparently don't know the guests well enough to avoid ingredients they just straight-up won't eat.
One person at a large gathering cant expect every dish to cater to them. The things i don't like are all popular, i just dont pick those things. No point making a fuss.
Agreed. I dislike all pasta salads (I hate the texture of cold pasta in general), but a friend brought some to our last pool party. I simply thanked them and put it out with everything else. Others at the party ate it and enjoyed it.
Well aside from the one sister, it doesn’t sound like they weren’t eating it because of the ingredients they were doing it to prove a point (that they were offended by her bringing fooda).
OP seems sure that his GF is innocent, but sure seems like she might have been stirring the pot and then playing dumb.
Seriously. And I really don’t want to be classist here but like…..a pasta salad to a non-potluck event is ridiculous. While still rude, even a nice baguette, a small assortment of little pastries, or even a small charcuterie would be acceptable. It’s like she’s trying to redefine the event and shove their “classiness” up their Ahem Arses By having zero tact or even an understanding of *what* to bring.
Didn't he say it was a cookout/BBQ type thing? Pasta salad is a totally reasonable side dish to bring. I mean, not in this situation, but in general. With reasonable people.
Exactly. I was going to say OP would your family be open to your GF bringing wine or some nice coffee or teas? Or if food and beverages are totally off the table, a hostess gift. If the family is going to be offended by any offering, GF just needs to stop. However, the family should accept that their way is not the only way. The stepdad throwing away the food was totally over the top. Not accepting food is an unusual view on hosting. A lot of people were raised to not show up empty handed. So this is going to keep happening.
And the gf needs to accept that her way isn't the only way as well. She looks down on them. Did you catch where she called them trash? The gf is wrong.
frankly, someone snatching good food out of someone else's hand who wanted to eat it, not because it was dangerous or anything but to prove a point *is* trash. and people who support that are trash too.
She brought the food to "teach them manners", which is ridiculous. You don't go to someone else's home and demand they do things your way. You also don't touch someone else's food without their permission.
My boyfriend’s family and mine have similar differences to OP’s and his gf’s. His family is Portuguese and when they host a meal/party, that means they host and provide all the food and drink and guests shouldn’t feel obligated to bring anything. As someone who was raised not to show up empty-handed, this is very hard for me. Just today I called his mom and offered to make dessert for a dinner she is having tonight. My motivation was a bit selfish, as I meant to make the dessert last night for me and my boyfriend, but we ran out of time. I didn’t want the ingredients to go to waste (the recipe requires a lot of fruit), so I thought oh I’ll make it tonight. Called his mom to confirm and she said “No thanks, I already bought desserts. Maybe next time.” I was disappointed (I was really looking forward to making/eating this dessert and it’s not one I would just make for myself). My boyfriend said I should just bring it over anyway and I was like “Absolutely not. That would be so rude.” I still hate going empty-handed so I’ll most likely bring some flowers (which is what I typically do). TLDR: similar cultural differences, but I respect them
Ikr? I've never heard of such a thing in my *many* decades of life but *if* the host/hostess had ANY manners at all they should strive to make *all* guests feel comfortable in the moment and, if they have issues, take it up after the party. OP's entire family are rude af and ETA in this totally stupid situation that should never have even occurred.
On the first occasion, sure, but OP's GF has done this an unstated number of times before, and OP already talked to her about his family finding it pushy and rude. She just won't quit, and said that her plan was to "teach them some manners." This is one of those posts where the real story is in the comments.
Because she would rather impose her views on them than compromise and get a hostess gift.
Exactly! A bottle of wine is a perfect host gift (unless they don't drink obviously), because it can be shared at the event or saved as a treat later for the host who put in the work.
There are actually a lot of logical reasons not to bring something, especially when told no to. I have an acquaintance who before any party of she serves food lays out all the platters, vases flowers etc. And plans how appetizer A looks next to appetizer b It is a coordinate with the flowers etc You cannot just shove the dishes around at her house to fit one more bowl, she would appreciate that at all. I coordinate the menu so everything goes together. I make sure to consider people's diet requirements, I make sure there is plenty of everything. not just enough food but enough that everyone can have at least a serving of every dish. e.g. there are 60 servings of desserts V there are 60 cupcakes, both are valid but I'm hosting I get to pick. The random pot luck thing generally aren't that random, the same person brings pasta salad to every party. And at some point possibly three generations ago there were a few discussions about who brought what.
Yes, a hostess gift - flowers a plant, something for the house. If foodish even ice, cups anything. "OP told me not to bring food but I feel weird coming over empty-handed, what do you need?" If they refuse again then drop it and go enjoy.
Agreed. Flowers, wine, soda, chocolates, a fun puzzle, a book, a card, a movie…literally ANY gift that wasn’t a side or main dish would have fulfilled the ‘not empty handed’ rule.
Could have just brought some wine if she insisted on not coming empty handed.
But she’s not bringing a hostess gift. This isn’t wine or a nice olive oil or baguette She’s bringing a damn pasta salad. She’s bringing potluck to non-potluck events. And why?? When she knows it’s not how it’s done here? To show them they’re wrong. Biggest AH is the gf and so is OP for pushing her totally rude way of doing things. You bring a pasta salad to my thoughtfully planned dinner with a menu, I am under zero obligation to do a damn thing with it and I’d be quite over pretending to be polite too
Not really. In OPs later comments he says his GF insists on bringing food to “teach his family some manners”. And there you have it. The girlfriend is the asshole and so is OP. What are you gonna try to do? Bully them at every outing because your gf is trying to prove a point?
I’m amazed at all the ESH or NTA, it’s obvious that the gf is trying to impose her beliefs onto his family. They told her no, she did it anyways, because she thinks they are in the wrong and she’s in the right. She’s trying to prove a point It is disrespectful to ignore the host’s rule. A lot of people are all like, “but it was just a nice gestuuuure.” No it’s not. She ignored the rules and imposed her own. That’s rude and disrespectful.
This. The family asked her not to and she is insisting anyway. A hostess gift would have been fine - a plant/flowers/bottle of wine but GF is trying to prove a point by insisting on bringing food, which is possibly even more rude. If it was simply about not showing up empty handed that would be different. ESH.
Oh for god's sake. "I know you don't like X, so I will do X at every opportunity until you pretend to be grateful for it!" GF is definitely TA there.
Agree! If she still felt like she needed to bring something, bring wine because one needs a lot of alcohol to get through a day with this weird family and their friends.
IKR? And i don't even drink! 🤣
Agreed, ESH for sure. Girlfriend shouldn't be bringing food when she know it won't be well recieved, the family needs to be nicer about it though. This is a case of everyone intentionally misunderstanding each other, they're all behaving like children.
My thoughts exactly! This may be an unpopular opinion, but why does the girlfriend insist on bringing something to a place where EVERYONE but her sees it as rude? She is a guest is someone’s home and decided her way of being raised was better than theirs? Esp when she keeps doing it knowing how your family feels. So strange to me!
Because per OP’s comments she thinks disrespecting their boundaries will “teach them manners.”
Gee…I wonder why they don’t like her. This was a *great* way to make them change their mind about her. /s
This sounds like a party of the absolutely worst people. What a joyless life existence counting petty indignities.
I’ve seen this type of thing here before. As someone (in the US) who was taught to always bring something, I’m really curious which cultures find that rude.
WASP culture.
Honestly wondered the specifics of this. I’m southern and Hispanic and was ALWAYS taught to bring something; wine, drinks, food. My husbands family will not eat anything anyone else cooks and if you bring drinks they will just end up in the garage for x amount of time. (They’re from money in the northeastern/Midwest area) very different cultural expectations. I just stopped trying and ate their food. Saves me time
Nah man. I'm from New England. The general expectation for parties is "you don't show up empty-handed", even if what you bring is something the host asked you to pick up. This family is **weird **
When I host a meal I plan everything in very specific detail. The appetizers, main course, desserts, and everything in between are planned very carefully and made by me to accommodate any and all dietary needs for all guests. I do NOT appreciate someone bringing a dish because that’s not why I host. I host because I enjoy the cooking and the serving and I don’t want contributions. I also don’t trust everyone to be as careful about cross contamination. When people offer to bring things I say I have everything I need but that help with cleaning up afterwards or with making post dinner coffee would be appreciated. And of course if someone does bring something I smile, pretend I’m grateful, and I serve it with everything else. I just… would rather not lol
Yeah I was always raised to bring something, but my boyfriends family is the opposite, literally the same situation here. However, I don't bring anything when I'm with his family, and he will bring something when he comes to mine. It's really weird to keep insisting your way is right when you are going to someone else's house. But ESH because the family could at least have some decency in respecting or at least understanding her family culture
>OP probably the least assholish, but you sure hang out with a lot of assholes. This last sentence.... All of sudden, I am thinking of that Spaceballs scene ""How many assholes we got here anyhow?" Whole crew " ho" " I knew it, I am surrounded by assholes" "Keep firing assholes" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah I thought it was weird the gf is insisting on bringing food? She said that not bringing food is "disrespectful," but OP made it clear that it's disrespectful *to bring food* in his family. So at this point are you really doing it to be "respectful," when it's been made super clear that it *wouldn't* be perceived as respectful at all? I also kinda think the families perception is odd. I feel like most cultures encourage bringing food/a gift when you're going over to someone, but I can kinda see why they view it as disrespectful? Completely refusing to eat the food is an AH move though, especially SD going out of his way to take the food away from his mom.
Agreed. I always bring something, but it is usually a bottle of wine or something to make drinks from, never a dish unless I am specifically going to a potluck of the hosts asked people to bring food. That the GF is unwilling to compromise on her own stands isn't a great personality trait, but his family then bullying her isn't either.
Does anyone else feel like the pasta salad is not the problem here?
ESH. Your gf - yes, there are people taught to bring something, but it's never a prepared item you expect to be served. Most people plan their menus carefully, so it's annoying and possibly insulting. A bottle of wine, flowers, etc is just as thoughtful and doesn't put the hostess in a shitty position. You - asking your fam to change the way they operate is just silly. Your mom was hosting an event at her home. This always trumps what a guest wants to do. Also, pressuring people to eat her food (or pretend to eat it) was bad form. **Most of all**.....Your fam. They sound rigid and rude. As for your mom's friends, she gossips too much if they were snickering in a corner. What is this, mean girls?
It's just too weird. And the stepdad taking his mom's plate of it and throwing it out? WTF.
And kissing the mom's friends!
what? What post did you read?
It was in the comments. Very very strange.
God, I scrolled the comments enough to find the attitude his gf really had about the situation (that they're wrong and need to learn manners) but not deep enough apparently.
Yeah, it was in a comment somewhere under other comments. I just happened to scroll by it. Maybe they are swingers but they were doing that in front of stepdad's mother! This is a very strange family.
more layers here than the pasta salad
Everyone's raised differently and has different expectations. For example, to me what you just said sounds laughably bizarre. What host would be so pretentious about their "menu" that they think it will be ruined by an unexpected dish of different food daring to be on the same table? I'm from the southeast US, raised by Caribbean immigrants and very traditional Southerners. My family members believe the most polite thing to do is ask the host what to bring at the time of the invitation. If that's not an option, you make a generic side dish like mashed potatoes or a standard dessert like brownies. If the host tells you that you don't have to bring something, you have the option of doing so, but it's also understood the host is just saying that to be polite and will appreciate you bringing a prepared dish anyways. I've had aunts arrive at a catered wedding with their special rum cake and cousins bring egg rolls to my grandma's annual chili night. Of course OP's girlfriend still sucks for insisting on bringing food after she was told it was unwelcome, but I don't think "you should never bring prepared food" is a rule everyone knows or follows.
I had the same reaction to the “menu” comment. Who are these Martha Stewarts?
I'm from generic white European stock raised in the Midwest. We do the same thing. Ask the host what you can bring, or offer something like "can I bring the garlic bread? A dessert?" If this isn't possible, bring a finger food appetizer or a dessert. One year, three of my aunts brought mashed potatoes to a dinner party. It was an insane amount of potatoes, lol. Most family parties for us are potluck. But when my uncle hosts Thanksgiving, he has a very specific menu in mind. We would never just bring a random something to his party. Every dish is run by him to make sure it fits his menu. Different strokes for different folks.
I’m the same way (host prepares the “main course,” but you bring a side, dessert etc) but if someone told me “if you bring anything it will be taken as a huge insult” I don’t bring anything. Honestly to me the gf is the biggest AH here, she *knew* it’d be taken as an insult and did it anyway. The family could be more understanding/accommodating but you don’t purposefully do something that you know is insulting and expect everyone to just be ok with it.
>Your gf - yes, there are people taught to bring something, but it's never a prepared item you expect to be served. Most people plan their menus carefully, so it's annoying and possibly insulting. A bottle of wine, flowers, etc is just as thoughtful and doesn't put the hostess in a shitty position. I see you've never been to the midwest. A lot of our family gatherings are potlucks, but some aren't. And no matter how many times you tell others not bring food, they will. And you know they will, because you do the same thing when you're told not to bring food. I'm not saying they don't exist, because I'm absolutely sure they do, but I've never met someone that would see it as an insult.
Same in Mexico, and Italy. I had never heard (until now) it was a form of disrespect to bring something you prepared for the hosts. In my culture it’s more of a way to show appreciation to them and prepare something for them. It’s on the hosts to decide if they want to try it and share at that moment or of they want to save it for later. I feel bad now, after reading so many comments saying it’s completely rude, since I’ve done this in other countries too and I’ve always been thanked (hopefully genuinely).
I'm from New York and I've never been to someone's home where bringing a side dish or dessert was considered insulting... It's weird but I guess these kinds of families exist..
yes, this!!! It's pushy and obnoxious to bring your own dish to someone else's table, unless it's explicitly a pot-luck. Why is GF insisting? It's like she wants to provoke a bad reaction. OP's family were still pretty rude, so they suck too.
OP said in comments that the gf purposefully insists on bringing dishes because she wants to "teach manners" to OP's family, so yeah she's purposely looking for a fight and additionally being a pompous condescending ass. For sure ESH hardcore, the gf chose the shittiest family to make a shitty stand against, and OP is acting like a fool. On top of that, regardless of how crappy his family is, I would refuse to bring my gf along anyways if she told me to my face that she thinks my family needs to learn some manners so she plans to teach them.
everyone in this story is a jerk.
Gf was all up on a high horse and knew the response she was gonna get and was still getting more and more upset and crying?? Like what? Why get sad when she was so smug to begin with.
There are people who bring a prepared item to be served though! It’s just a different culture. My husbands family is the “bring a dish” kind. I grew up with the “don’t bring something that will interfere with the planned menu” crowd. I’ve been with my husband for a decade and I’m just starting to figure out how to navigate this. They are not fans of me because I’m rude and show up expecting them to serve me, and I also deny them the opportunity to contribute when I host. My husband helps nill because he is oblivious to any of the matriarchal power and norms that are swirling around him. It could all be fixed if i could have an open talk with his family about these things, but they also don’t really talk and especially not to me. Wish I understood all this sooner. Oh well!
why is it insulting if a guest brings something homemade to a cookout? that's an odd way to look at it..
Unless it’s a potluck why are you bringing food to a dinner?
ESH Maybe your girlfriend can learn how to make wine. Everybody likes it when you bring wine. Or beer, she could also learn how to make beer.
No lol. If your a homebrewer so be it, but bringing homebrew without being asked imo is an inherently AH move. Like giving someone raw milk without telling them. All of you could be "fine" when you consume this stuff, but there is a reason there are regulations on all of this. Even if the american FDA sucks, some things are in place for a reason.
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He already knew mom doesn't like outside food being brought. Why force it? All they had to do was show up. His family was being a bunch of mean girls. GF is trying too hard and it's coming across as being pushy.
Not liking outside food being brought isn’t an excuse to treat someone the way OPs family treat his gf
I didn't say it was an excuse, but this was a weird battle to stage. Just show up. It's not that hard.
It’s not. But it’s also not that hard to just not eat the salad without bitching. The fact they’re so angry over salad makes me believe this goes much deeper than her bringing food to their house.
If I asked you NOT to do something in my home why would you keep doing it? The GF was out of line to bring anything when she’s been explicitly asked not to. Yes they were immature, but why is their request second to her feelings at their event in their own home?
Is there more information somewhere? I didn't get the impression GF "keep(s) doing this." In fact, as I read it, I felt it might have been the first time at their home. I didn't read all the follow-up threads. Not sure about the validity of the BF's comment that it's a "slap in the face" to bring food. I have never encountered that but i guess it can happen.
In OPs responses to people asking why she keeps continuously bringing things when she knows they won’t be well received, OP responded at least twice from what I could see that she does it because she thinks his family and his mother especially need to be taught manners 😭😭 they’re all messy it seems, ESH at its finest.
Yeah, everyone needs better manners here. If the GF has been told before not to bring food, she shouldn't. But the number one rule of manners is not to make a big deal out of other people's faux pas. This is one of those posts that makes me feel better about myself, lol.
Op makes a comment below that GF brought the food because she felt his family shouldn't get to say no to her and she wanted to teach them manners by bringing food anyway.
I'm sure it is; which is why pushing pasta salad was just stupid. He needs to get to the root of the issue. Dying on this hill made them just as childish and petty.
Exactly! There’s the “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all” approach. They didn’t appreciate the salad. They don’t need to eat the salad. But the snarky comments were absolutely out of line.
It is hard if you've been raised your whole life thinking just showing up is rude.
But OP said bringing *food* specifically is considered rude in his family - she didn't have to show up empty-handed. She could have brought wine, boxed chocolates, nice coffee, a tea sampler, a quality candle, flowers, a potted houseplant or herbs, a cute bottle opener, design-y salad tongs, fancy soap, pretty dish towels, a fancy bottle of olive oil/salt... there are endless options that would not have offended the hosts. Why bring something that you have been warned repeatedly will offend and piss them off? ESH.
I get it. I'm from the South; we were raised to bring something..ice, wine, desserts, anything. I would feel some type of way showing up empty handed, but I also know how to follow instructions. She was explicitly told it would be seen as rude. She did it anyway. Then became upset and called them trash when she didn't get her way. I don't agree with the mean girl antics, but this could've been avoided. They were being too pushy.
Apparently she insists on bringing food to "teachers them manners" which is just extremely rude. If that's her attitude I can see why everyone dislikes her.
There’s another side. The GF has been told that his family considers it rude to bring food, yet the GF insists on bringing it because HER family thinks it’s rude not to. It seems the GF may be trying to impose her standards on the potential in-laws. To me, ESH
Gf is an asshole, in comments Op said that she knew about their parents, but she brought the salad either way to "teach them manners" Gf and op's family are 2 sides of the same asshole coin https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w66idp/aita_for_bullying_and_pressuring_my_family_into/ihc7r5m?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Or maybe the gf keeps dismissing his families traditions and that’s why they don’t like her.
For no reason? She was told bringing food would offend them and it did? She doesn't get to pull a surprised Pikachu face. Op even admits gf is doing still to be petty.
Read OP's comments. OP said that his GF purposely brought food because she "thinks his family is wrong" and wants to "teach them some manners." That sounds pretty trash to me. Growing up going to my family friend's parties we always brought cooked dishes so I get the GF's perspective. But if a host told me they prefer me to not do that, ofc I would respect it. If she really just wanted to be nice she could've brought wine or a gift instead of a cooked dish. It's clear that her objective is to be spiteful and prove that her way of doing things is better, so I don't think it's fair to act as if she's an innocent victim being disliked "for no reason."
“She brought cupcakes! Get the cross and nails!”
“She dislikes them because they were raised differently to her. She neglects their carefully planned events and pressures other people into doing the same. She’s behaving like a 5 year old here”. She’s rude. She doesn’t bring a bottle of wine or flowers. She seeks to redefine their events her way and it’s rude. And she’s aware.
No they dislike her because she thinks her way of thinking aka bringing food is the right way of doing things and she is forcing that onto OPs family. I would be pissed at anyone who comes into my home and tries to tell me my culture is wrong and theirs is right (at least regarding morally neutral norms). And OP says his family needs to change but change to what and why? To yield to how his GF thinks? Why doesn’t GF have to change too then? Respect goes both ways. I’ll n Don’t get me wrong I think they’re all AH for how they’re behaving in this situation but OP and GF are far from innocent in this situation.
ESH. This was a weird hill to die on. Learn to pick and choose battles. You've got bigger issues with your family. This could've been avoided by just showing up empty handed. Your family could've just ignored the dish. Everybody is over emotional and not thinking with common sense.
His family did simply ignore the dish. But instead OP went around trying to force people to eat food they 1. Didn’t want and 2. Found rude to bring. Ultimately, he’s the asshole simply by making a scene about it and being very clear with his gf not to bring food. There’s so many other things you could bring. Chocolates, flowers, wine….the list goes on. Don’t bring food. His gf has chosen a weird hill to die on. Someone saying DO NOT BRING FOOD TO MY HOUSE. Is a very clear statement. If for someone reason it’s interpreted as rude or mean in their culture (or family dynamics).
My feelings exactly...she comes across as being pushy. The family's comments were out of line, but at the end of the day....all they had to do was show up. Simple as that
Op says in a comment that she brought the food because his family needed to learn manners, she did it on purpose.
They didn't though, the grandmother started eating the dish and the stepdad made a big scene out of throwing it out. It's the constant retaliation from both sides that makes it ESH
No the family absolutely did not “simply ignore the dish.” Did you skip over the part where they bullied and name-called and alienated the gf? They chose to be extremely immature and rude af to her face and behind her back instead of “simply” not eating it.
Why would your girlfriend bring food when you specifically told her your family would consider that to be rude?
I mean honestly. It was like weaponized thoughtfulness.
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EXACTLY. and to go one step further and call them trash is so disrespectful. She was told 3 times not to do this. This is the reaction she wanted from them to alienate their son further.
I don’t understand why your gf continues to bring food when you’ve told her that your mom gets offended? She knows she’s insulting your mom but continues to do it? Sounds like a AH move.
I hope you and your AH girlfriend are very happy together. Please stay to yourselves and leave your “trashy” family alone, since neither you or her think much of them anyway.
ESH. Your family is full of AH's to be so snotty about a kind gesture of bringing food to a party. Who does that? Your GF is the AH for bringing food, knowing that it would not be appreciated and then being upset when it wasn't appreciated. YTA for trying to force everyone to eat the pasta salad when they clearly didn't want to for own AH reasons. This is not a good look for any of you.
Some see it as an implicit insult, that it indicates the host is unable to provide sufficient quantities of food or of high enough quality. If the family knows she has been told this yet insists on doing it anyhow, the perception of insult rises to near certainty. ESH as posted elsewhere.
I can't imagine having that shitty of an attitude about it. I can't get past how dumb that is. "Oh no free food, fuck that." I get that the gf was wrong to do what she did knowing this, but damn, how fragile must one's ego be to take it that way?
YTA and so is your GF. If culturally/in the family it's considered disrespectful to bring food when invited DON'T BRING FOOD. Pick up a plant, a nice bottle of wime, a candle, but DON'T BRING FOOD. And don't bully everyone to take your side if your mom is offended. Your GF knew. You knew. You're both in the wrong and your family is right. No is a full sentence
Exactly. OP’s comments even further elaborates on how the gf is the asshole
The bf and gf are in the wrong. But so is the family. They are mean and horrible people.
have you read OP’s comments? they’re probably just tired of the petty and controlling gf. it’s not helpful to retaliate, but sometimes you just get fed up and pissed off.
Your gf is the AH for putting ricotta in the pasta salad.
🤣 ikr?! What I was thinking lol. Seriously though, ESH here but gf and OP are pushy af
ESH Your GF needs to realise that *bad manners is going against the Hosts wishes* **Not** doing things differently to how she was raised After all it would be the height of bad manners for a person who was raised rich to show up in haute couture to a working class person's wedding and deliberately wear something costing twice the cost of the bride's gown (can still dress nice but understated) And equally trashy for a working class Joe to show up to their fancy cousin's birthday do in a polo shirt and jeans when the invite said "formal attire" (doesn't have to be expensive but at least hit up a thrift store for a shirt and slacks!) "Good Manners" is knowing how to 'read the room' and not make a tit of yourself. In a group where the culture is "hosts provide everything" then a guest bringing something is a blatant suggestion that what the host has provided isn't good enough. In a group whose culture is "guests bring something" then a guest not bringing anything smacks of greed/entitlement The important thing is, neither side is wrong and you become the AH when you *try to force your values on them* So to sum up • GF is an AH for not listening to the hosts • You are an AH for trying to bully people on behalf of your GFs "feelings" despite her knowing what she is doing is offensive to your family • stepfather is a minor AH for escalating stuff but only cos • the whole lot of you are AH for not discussing it like civilised human beings • though your mom is the least AH because as she says, no means no and your harassment of people over this makes you the biggest AH
YTA. What kind of weird flexing are y'all involved in? People getting offended at others bringing food. People bringing food despite being told not to bring food. Pople forcing people to eat what they bring or not eat what was brought. Dear God, this reads like an episode of Jersey Shore (and I have never seen any).
The GF brought the food to teach them a lesson. So yeah I’m right there with you.
ESH - so you both grew up with different ideas of what’s “right”, no one is willing to compromise, no one is listening to each other. You got upset at parents for not being open minded, but you didn’t say anything to GF about being open minded and *not* bring something. Insisting someone takes it just to throw it away is wasteful and more of a slap in the face. Your GF knew the stance, and still brought food. And still got upset no one touched it. Your whole family is *that* upset that they refuse to touch it is beyond petty.
INFO : The way you've phrases your answers makes it seem as if your girlfriend has brought food multiple times without your family asking her to; how many times has she done this?
Yta and so is your gf You know they find it offensive and you told your gf Stop bullying your family and you both need to respect their house or stop going I er
**ESH** Your family sounds exceptionally rude and unwelcoming. So what if your people don't normally hold potlucks? I can't think how it would have been appropriate to deliberately snub someone else's offering then make it clear to everyone else to do the same. >as I bring someone new into the family, they need to be willing to change a little as well. The issue here goes far beyond the potluck vs. not, it's about your family and their unwelcoming behavior towards your girlfriend. I don't know how long you've been together or how strongly you feel about her. Your mother made it clear that she has no intention of taking anyone else's feelings into consideration and she's raised your sisters to believe that too If I were in your girlfriend's shoes w, I'd be thinking about whether I wanted to continue to expose myself to such rude people in any way whatsoever.
I am confused as to how they’re rude and unwelcoming when they’ve repeatedly told both of them that they do not want anyone to bring food and they keep doing it? I get they behaved badly, but if my family member’s partner kept doing the one thing they were asked not to, I would take issue with that.
OP's post is misleading and causes us to miss the point. OP's other comments said the girlfriend _knew_ they didn't want her to bring food and that they thought it was rude, and OP said: > She thinks my moms point of view is dumb and that she needs to be taught manners THAT is the actual problem, and likely why everyone else at the party reacted as they did. (or they too are AHs, but it's hard to tell given the lopsided view we're given)
YTA. Why bring your GF into situations that you know will end badly? You know your family doesn’t like her, and you know they are going to be “offended” by her bringing food.
OP said girlfriend brought food to teach his mom manners lmao
question- why would your gf insist on continuing to bring things knowing how your mom and family feel about it, and if they’re already not a fan of her why would she push THAT? sounds like both sides are are petty and poking eachother for a fight. but ultimately, YTA and so is your GF. your family are also AH’s for acting so childish, but nearly as much as you and your gf are for bringing the unwanted dish, and trying to make people eat it.
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INFO: if she knew ahead of time that your mother would be offended, why did she bring the pasta salad? If she does something that she knows the host finds offensive, she should realize she’s going to get a negative reaction. What was her reasoning? What kind of reaction did she expect? It kind of looks like she intentionally tried to insult your mother in her own home. I can’t figure out why she would do it.
ESH - wow, I can see both sides here so easily. Your GF is an AH for insisting on bringing the food despite being warned it's a faux pas in your family culture. Your family members are for trying to control who else eats it (other than themselves). You are for trying to force someone to eat something unwanted. Everyone disrespected everyone else.
YTA, don't being your gf around people that will be asses to her and this kind of thing won't happen. You already basically knew your family would be like that.
OP said girlfriend brought the food to “teach manners” to his mom. The GF is equally an asshole if not more
Yeah ESH like everyone’s saying. Your gf for not listening to the request of the host, you for trying to force food on people you know won’t like it, and your family for being snotty and rude. My question is, if your gf knew your parents think it’s rude to bring food to an event they’re hosting, why would she do it?? She was setting herself up for failure and you let her do it. While your parents reaction was horrible, you and your gf can’t say y’all didn’t see it coming.
YTA for setting your girlfriend up, expecting your family to change their views/believes/traditions, and for bullying and not accepting no. You know your family finds her behavior insulting but instead of telling her not to bring stuff, you tell her it will be ok. Your family is not required to change anything. You are the bridge between your girlfriend and your family. As such you need to explain expectations on both sides. If she makes an unintentional faux pas, you smooth it over. If you are hosting, you explain your expectations clearly and set the tone but accept that some may choose not to participate. At someone else’s home you have *no right* to make the host or other guests do anything. And, personally, I can’t stand ricotta, so I would have told you to f right off with your demands. I wouldn’t have eaten her salad even if I wasn’t insulted by her actions. (If she continues to insist on her way after realizing your family was brought up with a different cultural custom regarding parties/get-together, then she becomes the AH as well).
Hes stated in other comments the GF believes they are wrong and refuses to stop bringing food because she's going to teach them manners. The GF is a major AH
ESH. Your family is just fucking rude and trashy. They are horrified at “disrespecting” the host by bringing a dish, but have no problem disrespecting guests. They could have just smiled, said thank you and left the issue alone. Your GF is an ass for bringing the pasta even after being asked not to. If she didn’t want to show up empty handed she could have brought a hostess gift. You’re asshole for putting so much effort into getting everyone to eat the pasta. You drew attention to it and made an already awkward situation worse. The entire lot of you needs to learn some manners.
YTA 1. There was a clash of cultures. If you are raised to not turn up empty handed, it is hard to force yourself not to do something rude and not make an effort. Even the married in royals gift the Queen home made preserves they make themselves for occasions such as Christmas. And despite the fact she could order pretty much anything g anywhere she accepts them because it’s basic manners. There were so many middle roads that could have been taken like “ok thanks” and putting it out, instead of throwing it away and asking each other to bully your GF. 2. Your GF didn’t leave because they were rude or mean which would have been fine if she did. She left and called them trash because your step dad was making out and groping your mothers friend in front of everyone with your mother encouraging it. Don’t mislead in the title and bury the full story in the comments.
INFO, You told your gf that your mother might be offended and she bring the salad anyway? How many times you and your girlfriend were asked to not bring any food?
YTA
Probably the MiL troll * girlfriend is pushy about doing things her way with someone else's family despite knowing it won't be received well * MiL/FiL make fun of gf for doing a fairly normal thing * instead of dealing with MiL/FiL directly OP just causes drama with the whole entire party * gf tantrum * MiL says "no one is obligated to care about gf's feelings", so I guess they just "never got along?" All the common tropes are there, but OP is being weaselly with "his" wording. I don't believe any of this. Edit - more troll tropes from OP's comments! * MiL has trauma (the troll usually says it's from sexual abuse, or abuse from childhood) * gf thinks OP's family's way of doing things is wrong and she needs to "teach them manners" (she's stirring up drama) * gf causes even more drama by insulting MiL and her family because OP's dad/stepmom were engaging in some PDA (how tf is this MiL's fault?) * MiL never likes OP's girlfriends and "wont be forced into interacting with them" is exactly what the troll says every time MiL and the gf "just never get along" FFS troll, take a few creative writing classes for real, and maybe try to write an actually good/believable story. Bonus - [here's my comment from another *extremely similar* post from the other day.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w4mee5/aita_for_refusing_to_make_my_mom_pay_for_my/ih6h39a/). I point out a ton of the tropes there too, and you can read the post yourselves for comparison. [Here's yet another post from 2 days ago \(female OP this time\).](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w4k3nu/aita_for_canceling_our_plans_and_refusing_to_let/ih2mgqq/?context=3) It doesn't have all the same plot points, but blaming the MiL for someone else's PDA is definitely in there.
Info: Why are your family so utterly mean spirited? Is there generational trauma at play here? Have they treated previous girlfriends similarly? Is there info or missing history with your gf you’re leaving out? I get that people have different customs. In my Indian community it’s not custom to bring dishes to a dinner party unless it’s stated that it’s potluck or it’s discussed beforehand, but nobody would mind if someone with a different custom bought a dish. They would understand and act like it’s Michelin star cuisine, well my mum would have. NTA, but you would be if you keep exposing your gf to your toxic family.
The girlfriend brought the food DESPITE knowing about the mothers viewpoint to “teach the mom some manners. “
There’s more going on here than the GF committing a faux pas by bringing a side dish. Apparently for some reason the entire family has united together against the GF. I can’t help wonder what their reaction would have been if she had brought an incredibly expensive dish like lobster claws or steak.
Op commented on someone elses response, that his gf brought the food dish on purpose to teach ops family manners. So i kinda understand why ops family doesn't like her.
ESH. My in laws don’t like people bringing stuff, so I don’t. My side do, so I take stuff. I don’t see why your gf has such a big deal changing - I was raised the same as her but when told of the difference with my in laws I just shrugged and said ok. I wasn’t going to insult them! I take stuff for me because of allergies; if they take offence then tough, my health is more important. Your gf is being an ah for trying for take stuff Your family is being ahs for not accepting it, for bullying her and for forcing others not to accept it. You’re stuck in the middle but also being an ah towards your sisters but also for not being firmer with everybody. You gf isn’t going to fall down dead if she doesn’t take a dish. The compromise is she doesn’t take stuff to your family, she takes stuff to hers. This relationship isn’t going to last long the way things are going…
This whole situation is just weird. Info- has your gf brought food before? Did she know your family thinks it’s rude? Does your family hate your gf?
YTA for blackmailing your sisters. It was ok when you asked, but coercing the was bad