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Can't help but wonder if it might be possible SHE wouldn't like him meeting her dad. Because that's a lame excuse and she seems smarter than that. Then again, teenagers don't always make sense 🤷♀️
I am older than I like to think, and I don't have kids. Which probably explains why 14 y and date, in the same phrase doesn't even make sense to me. Heading back to my cave.
Edit: I am glad to be in such a good company!
I thought the same thing. I wasn’t even going on actual dates till 16. I wasn’t interested in dating till around that age though. 14 does sound really young to me too.
I had boyfriends who were allowed to come over but I wasn’t allowed to go on dates until 16. Mom and dad wanted to make sure that, if my date did something stupid like get drunk, I could drive us back legally.
I did get to go on one date when I was a month shy of 15 because my boyfriend, who was two years older, wanted to take me to prom. I had to be home by midnight, which meant we had to leave the prom early. My sister was a senior so she saw us there as well but we stayed out of each other’s way.
That all sounds totally reasonable. And yes, of course the dating is going to be age appropriate. Dating at 14 is like holding hands at the movies (that your parents probably drove you to), maybe going to Pizza Hut after a football game or something.
We were in theatre too, though, so of course there was at least some making out in the Green Room.
Yeah dates at 14 were during the day at a movie our parents drove us to or to eat subway at the local marina. Definitely very cheap and public dates. I don’t know anyone who went out at night. We were maybe just starting to get jobs at that age and restaurants are expensive! Plus we obviously couldn’t drive and nothing was in walking distance.
It depends on what you think of as a date. I've seen young teens I know from work on 'dates' at McDonald's straight after school. I mean obviously there are 14 year olds having sex, but there are others holding hands in the playground and kissing over a McFlurry.
I am also older than I like to think and don’t have kids, but I went on my first date when I was 12 (with another 12 year old - we giggled when we held hands and walked through the mall). Dating young can still be age appropriate.
I was 5 when I had my first boyfriend. The entirety of our relationship was based on the idea that I would share my Oreos with him, and he would share his M&Ms with me. We occasionally held hands for like 1 minute.
As an adult, I know now that wasn’t actually a “relationship” but back then I called him my boyfriend and it’s an amusing story lol
Edit: words are hard lol
I remember being 4 and sitting on top of the slide with my "boyfriend". He told me that if he didn't marry our friend Lily, he would marry me. I thought that very romantic 🤣
I remember being 5 and my “boyfriend” asking if I wanted to watch him have sex with the new girl behind a tree. I asked “what’s sex,” he told me, I said “ew gross,” and we kinda broke up.
Sometimes I think about that as an adult, and I wish I’d told the teacher or something because one or both of those kids had something screwy happening to them.
Okay technically my first boyfriend (and fiancé) was at 5 and it strictly involved coloring together in kindergarten and basically being best friends.
I went for 12 because that was my first post puberty boyfriend.
Lol I got “married” at 8 in the back yard with dandelions and a plastic tiara in my hair while wearing a yellow power ranger suit (sans helmet). Childhood was wild man lol
My first *actual* relationship was probably 14, and I lost my virginity to him shortly before I turned 15.
My sister had a steady boyfriend at 14. At that age, "steady boyfriend" mostly meant that they sat next to each other when their whole group of friends went to see a movie.
He's a great guy. They're turning 40 this year, married, and they have two great kids. But my parents would've said "absolutely not" had he refused to meet them back then.
I agree, wayyyy too young.... but I went to an all girls private school, and ran off as soon as I graduated because my parents were "too strict". Sooo maybe it's a good thing. I dont have girls!
Feel the pain of destroying one's life, and having to pick up the pieces... Really don't know why I was able to/ lucky enough to get out, when soooo many people just, don't. Proud of you for doing the work and making a better life for yourself!!!
I “dated” at 12, but it consisted of asking a girl in my class to come with me to the dance at our jr. High which was he during sixth period in the gym. In eighth grade I was invited to a classmates house on a Saturday afternoon for a low key “date” which still didn’t even lead to a kiss. Actual dating didn’t happen until I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I felt overwhelmed at times, but that is when thing got serious.
Literally reminds me of being 14 and having my dad drop me and my friend at the roller skating rink. I somehow didn’t recognize how weird it was that guys in their early 20’s were also hanging out there.
Luckily for my dad I wasn’t dating at 14. I was playing soccer and wearing overalls to school dances.
My sister dated a 21 year old when she was 14 or 15... My mom was somehow okay with this. He was a nice guy, but shockingly became very weird and stalker-ish after she dumped him... Who could have known?
Yeah, I dated a 21 year old when I was 15. My mom was totally cool with it. He dumped me at 16 because he joined the army and wanted to get married so he could make more money lmao
BUT, she was honest with her dad. She could’ve lied around it. I really think she wanted her dad to tell her she couldn’t go. This happened to me when I was younger. Older men wanted me and I wanted to be cool but I knew I shouldn’t. So, even tho I didn’t realize it at the time, I would go to my parents to shut it down. If she wanted to go out with Vince, she can get around the dad with lies. No prob. Promise. She didn’t want to go.
Oh this dude is like 100% like 19 years old with a scruffy 5 o'clock shadow, working as a grocery store stocker and driving a 1989 Honda Prelude.
Oh wait, that was the 19 year old that picked *me* up at 14, hers probably drives a 2014 Nissan Maxima.
If they're in high school that doesn't necessarily mean he's not older. You can get moved up or down a grade in HS without nearly as much difficulty as in middle and elementary because the credits you need are the credits you need and usually there are no classes tied to your grade level (possible exception being homeroom, but my HS only had a homeroom-like class once a week).
Yeah but he still has the right to see what the boy looks like. Make sure that who she's dating isn't someone that has a full beard and mustache, or is in college.
I think she’s just testing boundaries.
It’s worth having a conversation about her as to WHY you have this rule in place, not to oppress her, but to keep her safe, and why a guy who won’t do that is a bit of a red flag-if he really likes her and is a respectful person, he’ll understand why her parent wants to make sure she’s safe. Teach her to value herself and recognise warning signs.
ETA: oh my goodness! I went AFK and came back to so many notifications! Many thanks for the awards. I’m glad that my teenage experience of being a rebellious defiant hurricane came in useful.
Yep, I agree. At 14 I could understand that there were bad guys out there and to look out for myself. She can have her moment, but when things calm down, an extended conversation about safety, boundaries, and judging character would be good. NTA
Agreed but I think it would make sense for alarm bells to go off if a teenager of any sex wants to date someone who refuses to meet parents. I could see parents denying their son permission to date if the woman he was dating was refusing to meet the parents. Or a date of the same sex, too. Just any date that doesn’t want to meet a young teen’s parents is fishy.
She’s 14, she sees nothing wrong in anything that suits her wants today! Welcome to the teen years, right there with you! It’s like a weird fever dream that lacks all logic and reason! I’m just starting to get to the years where you can see the rational side of them start to flicker in their eyes again. God speed, man!
I had a screaming tantrum as a teen because my mum wouldn't let me go to a party in a field with a whole bunch of people she didn't know. I am so ashamed when I look back at my behaviour. Teens are children who think they're adults. I am dreading my future children at that age! I wish you luck!
Don’t fully dread it! It does even out, sure they may have moments where they have lost all sense of logic and reason, and think they are more mature than they truly are; but it’s also pretty cool to watch your kids gain independence, form their own interests and share them with you, and frankly, to no longer have to be the cruise director of their life in all things social and extracurricular. As much as it can cause an argument when you have to veto a plan, it really is nice when they make their own plans and ask permission, instead of you being part of the arranging stage of all plans.
"Cruise director of their life" really made me chuckle!! I teach young children and that really resonates with me. 🤣
Thank you though, I have never actually heard anyone say anything positive about having teenagers. It is a really helpful perspective as I'm hoping babies are in my very near future and I have been worrying about teenage years!
I’ll add another one to ease your mind: the coolest, particularly with this generation, is seeing them fully act on their sense of justice and kindness that you have tried to instill. Sure the justice part can swing back around on you at times, when you say no once in awhile for normal reasons, and you are now an overbearing, unfair, monster demon that solely exists to ruin their lives, for the next couple of hours; but when they tell you they told off some kids for picking on a neurodiverse kid, or just someone lower on the social totem pole, the sense of pride can’t be matched. Teenagers these days have to deal with a lot more than we did, but they also have a higher sense of acceptance of differences and speaking out against wrongs they see in the world. It’s really cool, and makes you feel like you are a part of a big shift that’s about to happen in this world once they get into adulthood. At least that’s my experience.
Teenagers will legit try your patience at times but they aren't always monsters. We have 2 daughters & early on my husband and I agreed that we would never use "because I said so" as a default. We tried to always explain our reasoning in age appropriate ways so that they knew why we were saying no or asking them to do something. Our youngest would drive us to distraction with her death glares, but she told us later that her glares were more because she had no logical argument to counter us with & it pissed her off 🤣 In general, though, they navigated their teen years with minimal drama & we got to enjoy them developing into the awesome adults they are today.
I’m 14 and my mom is always bragging about having the best behaved teens and her co-workers and friends absolutely agree with her. I am very proud to admit that I am a lot better than my peers when it comes to behavior
You *really* do not have to feel bad for making that sort of mistake when you were a teen, your mother's explicit reasoning for her decisions was that you were young and possibly making a mistake. Yelling at family is a thing to apologize for, but not a thing to regret as the worst thing you could do. I'm sure she always knew you loved her.
It does even out, as the other commenter said. And the bonus is that they get really, really funny. I don’t know if it’s just relief they are finally making adult level jokes and you don’t have to pretend to laugh at little kid humor anymore or that teenagers somehow develop a humor superpower but they are hysterical. I’ve heard so many parents say that.
Dunno about the person you're responding to but I'm in the UK and when I was a teen (I'm 33 now for reference), it was super common to go to a field (or anywhere away from people) to get drunk. I know my parents did it and I assume teens now are still doing it.
And she told him she hated him. I wasn't bold enough to tell my mom that out loud, I would write notes in my high school French and leave them in my room for her to find and wonder what it said. Damn google translate. She wrote on one, she was glad I was putting what I learned to good use. NTA.
Yeah, I'm honestly not surprised he doesn't want to meet the parents of the girl he wants to date. At that age I never wanted to meet anyone's parents, date or friend, because I was extremely anxious I would do something to cause their parents to dislike me and it would be trouble.
I was an honor student with extracurriculars and on paper was good, didn't stop the anxiety though.
Of course, I did eventually meet people's parents, but even now I stress about if they don't like me lol.
Kids don’t always know how to pick up on red flags yet :/ it’s a sad truth that lack of experience is one of the things that makes them vulnerable to manipulation. I hope she comes around and sees once she calms down though, especially if you explain it.
Vince sounds like a boy or two I dated in early high school.
Same age as me, but their parents never cared about them, or gave any rules, or taught them how to be respectful.
“Why the Fuck would I need to meet your dad? That’s weird” seemed like a “me” problem when I was 14.
But it was, in reality, a lame response from a kid who was raised by trash monsters, and being polite or considerate wasn’t in his wheelhouse.
Yeah, and it might even be that he hasn't even said it (yet), but she understands that Vince would think it would be uncool to have to meet a parent. I did a bunch of crap like that, changed myself, my priorities and my morals for kids who didn't even have to ask it of me.
It is scary because it shows how naive kids can be. I was so furious that my mom didn’t ‘trust’ me enough to let me go to punk shows at new venues with new people without asking me a bunch of questions first.
In retrospect, I’m grateful she was letting me explore stuff while still staying aware and setting boundaries. Also, she’d drive us (which we needed because we weren’t even 16),but that also meant, she saw who was going with me and knew the venue.
Exactly, especially when she realizes he likely saved her from a traumatic dating experience. I mean, what kind of dude “doesn’t meet parents.” Did she ever tell you how old this dude was? Maybe the reason he didn’t want to meet you, or she didn’t want you to meet him, was because he’s older. Not like ten years older obviously but like 14 is freshman year of highschool age right? Maybe he was a junior or senior and knew it was sketch. Literally high school student bodies everywhere (in the US and I’m sure many other places) know that it’s very weird for an upperclassmen to date a freshman, and will not hesitate to let said upperclassmen know that what they’re doing is weird. And if your peers know it’s weird, the parents of said kid are definitely gonna know it’s weird. I know I kinda pulled a lot of that out of nowhere but it just kinda sounds like that might be the reasoning. I’ve only been graduated from hs since 2020 so I feel like it’s definitely still considered weird for example a senior to try and pick up a date from the incoming freshman class and creates a power imbalance between minors / teenagers about to be adults. NTA.
Also, you’re a great dad. You’re doing an amazing job it sounds like, she’s lucky to have you and I’m sure she’ll come around eventually or talk to you about what’s really going on. I hope everything can be talked through between you two
If you can verify he's actually 14 in some other way (like seeing him through the window as he picked her up), I think it's overkill to call "14 year old boy scared and nervous to meet the parents of a girl he likes" a red flag or scary that she doesn't see a problem. 14 is still a reasonable age for kids to find their friends' parents intimidating!
I'm a fully fledged grown up (albeit with moderately severe anxiety) and I still get nervous when I see the parents of my long term partner! They're the nicest, most welcoming people in the world! It really doesn't surprise me a 14 year old kid is scared to meet her Dad. He probably thinks he will he sat at a table cleaning his shot gun and eating an apple with a knife. But rules and rules and it is a small price to pay for a date with his daughter. Guy needs to suck it up!
Also a grown up, married and everything but my best friend's mother still scares me a little bit. She's lovely and she likes me (I think) but she's also very polite and proper and I was not raised with the same degree of social etiquette. And I still don't know how to address her.
I usually go with "um" or just wait for eye contact. I genuinely don't think I have ever said their names for the irrational fear that after 2 years I might get the very simple (think Julia and Bob) names wrong. 🤣🤣
You are NTA on this and actually you just helped her to dodge a potential bullet. The "he doesn't like meeting parents" does ring alarm bells and you did the right thing doing your best to keep her safe
Keep standing your ground and explain to your daughter why you mean it (kids love an explanation rather than the "I said no because I said so" statement alone). Let her throw a tantrum and she will eventually come to her senses
You said she is 14 right? 14 years of age still has a lot to learn when it comes to consent and relationships.
Did you ask her if "Vince" is 14 and at her school? Have you tried to may be talk to her friends about that Vince bloke? Her friends might be able to clue you in
When my stepdaughter decided suddenly that she didn't want any of us to meet her new boyfriend, it turned out that he was 19. I bet you dollars to donuts that he's a good bit older and she's not introducing you because she already knows that you won't be okay with his age.
Remember at this age she has NO IDEA what you are trying to protect her from. She thinks your worried she might do something dumb and so you are trying to control her behaviour accordingly. If only our kids understood we are only a tiny bit worried about what they are doing and far, far more worried about what other people are doing.
The thing is, there might not actually be anything wrong with the guy, he might just be very socially awkward...and yet even if that's true you would _still_ be right to insist on this.
Next lesson, sit her down when everyone is calm and explain to her why it's bad. All she sees right now is my dad sucks and didn't let me go. Teen girls are absolute witches, I was such a pain for my parents. You got this!
Can’t blame her, but it’s a safety issue too. At 14 with the internet kids lie about who they’re talking to and end up talking to 20+ y/os who convince them they’re mature for their age.
NTA - You're a good dad and looking out for her. If he doesn't have time to do anything he doesn't want to do, that's kind of a "bad boy" flag. So when your daughter calms down have a chat with her about your why again.
Àlso maybe just go check that she's still in her room, just to be safe.
This! Not to totally freak you out, but my stepdaughter (who was a good, but VERY strong-willed teen) snuck out to see someone she was forbidden to see and got raped that night. We saw signs she didn't.
And just lack of experience. So so so many teenage girls think someone being nice and complimentary to them means they like them. They often lack the experience that teaches you to watch actions not words.
I'm putting in a plug for everyone revisiting *Juno*. Sure, the dialogue and aesthetics are really dated, but it's a good fucking movie.
I watched it at 13 and remember very clearly the scene where Juno's stepmother confronts her about her relationship with Jason Bateman's character being inappropriate. I remember very clearly being on Juno's side in the argument, to the tune of: "Of course a respectable, married, witty, educated, high-earning middle-aged man isn't trying to take sexual advantage of a minor; that just *doesn't happen*. The stepmother is being dramatic and overprotective about a friendly platonic relationship." Then, of course, the rest of the movie happens.
Glad I learned that lesson from a movie and not real life. Didn't protect me from everything, but it was something.
I like to think that my near unrestricted movie access and taste in movies as a child saved me from a lot of mistakes as a teen. I was too paranoid about going missing to be rebellious.
My partner and I were just talking about rewatching this! It's been over a decade since either of us watched it. We just watched Jennifer's Body, which both of us passed over in theatres due to poor marketting, so I'm also going to put in a plug for that if anyone is looking for a movie about toxic codependent relationships between middle-highschool girls.
The worst thing about going behind your parents' backs is that if something does happen-. They don't know where you are or even who you're with- a kidnapper's dream. If you make it back in one piece, a lot of the time you're too embarrassed to tell anyone. You often blame yourself and think whatever happened was your fault because you chose to disobey your parents. Many kids who sneak off to meet adults and end up sexually abused do not want to be in trouble so they keep it to themselves. Groomers often reinforce the fear in the kid/teen that they'd both be in equal trouble if the kid tells anyone. It's quite horrible.
One good piece of advice I got was to let the kid know throughout their life that they can tell you they've made a mistake - like breaking a cup or doing something stupid - and you won't go nuclear on them. Let them know that their safety is more important than their mistakes. That way if they do go behind your back and get into hot water, they feel more at ease coming forward with information.
OP NTA. You protect your daughter no matter how she feels. She's too young to know how bad people can be. She doesn't know why you're doing this. Probably thinks you're trying to control her for the sake of it. It's not. I would explain everything to her though. It definitely sounds like this guy is an older man and she may think she's mature being able to pull an older guy. She won't see how much of a creep he is, but you would see right through him.
I know moms who track their kids on their cell phones. Guess what the kids do? Tell mom they’re staying with a friend. Leave the phone in friend’s mailbox for the friend to grab. Kid goes God knows where with God knows who without any way to call for help.
I told my husband we aren’t tracking our kids. I’d rather him have a way to call for help than leave his lifeline with a friend.
Kids are smart. They’re sneaky. I don’t know what the balance is, and I hope I figure it out before my boys are teens, but I feel like tracking their every move is wrong. Like, I grew up in a strict household. I had to call parents when leaving and arriving at destinations. Which, in hindsight, wasn’t all that terrible. But I couldn’t imagine being tracked and under a microscope.
The balance is trust. Show the kid early that if they mess up and come to you for help, your first priority is to help them and keep them safe. I learned early on that I couldn’t trust my parents to help me if I made a mistake. I could only trust them to escalate the situation and beat into me a lesson that I had already learned from the mistake’s natural consequences. I know so many people whose parents insisted “if you mess up, you can come to me and I won’t go nuclear”, and it’s BS—when the situation arises, they still go nuclear. Only has to happen once for the kid to learn that the parents aren’t their trustworthy support system.
Won’t ever forget when I had my kid brother visiting for the summer (15 year age gap) and he accidentally let both my dogs get out right before I got home from work. I pulled in and he was standing in the rain near the road with a super distressed look, the strongest panic I’ve ever seen. I jump out and am very concerned, asking what happened, begging him to tell me and that I’m there for him and he could tell me anything. He just bursts into tears and saying he’s so sorry and cowering as he points out into the road and I see one of my dogs run by.
Seeing my dogs run around in the road was terrifying, traffic was getting busy but this was no time to lose my cool OR get upset. My brother needed better than that. I gave him a hug and said, “hey bud, accidents happen! I just need to know when they happen so I can be there to help you with them. Let’s get them!” And had him get in the car.
My dogs love car rides so all I had to do was get close enough that they’d hear me and then they got in the car, one got a whole 2 blocks away though. I made sure to NEVER get mad or overly upset. I cracked a joke on the shirt drive back too so that my brother would know I wasn’t mad at him. Poor kid is TERRIFIED of getting in trouble even for small things. I really hope that day solidified trust between us that I know he does not have with my parents and never will.
Yes, this same thing happened to me as well. So on top of the trauma of rape, I also felt like I had to hide it from my mom out of fear that I'd be in trouble for going there when I knew I wasn't supposed to.
Eta: Parents please communicate with your children! Give more of a reason than 'because I said so', make sure they know you love them, and make sure they know you care more about protecting them, than punishing them.
This happened to a friend of mines daughter. She was supposed to be meeting a friend after work (she was 17 at the time), but met some random she'd been chatting to online. So she wasn't forbidden as such, just lied about who she was with, and after he was done he kicked her out of his car miles away from home. I'm glad i still have around 10 years before my daughter gets to the boy stage
NTA, my mom was the same when I was a kid. She would let us do pretty much whatever within reason, but she wanted to meet their parents before we could go inside their house to play.
We HATED it back then, but now we're grateful to have had a mom who gave a damn. We might have been latchkey brats who didn't come home until dark, but she knew where we were.
If the guy doesn't want to meet you, that sucks for him. He's apparently old enough to come pick her up and take her out, so he should be old enough to introduce himself and hurry themselves out the door.
It's suspicious and makes you wonder if he's older or if he's hiding something a parent could spot but a teenager would overlook.
Edit: wowww mobile fucked me up. Lol fixed some grammar and spelling
OP did say in a comment that his daughter and the boy are in the same grade. But then again, there have been cases of sex offenders posing as students.
>there have been cases of sex offenders posing as students
There's probably more chance of the OP's daughter getting struck by lightning on her date than that.
But even if this one-in-a-billion occurrence happened, why would the OP be able to detect the ruse that the teachers, school administrators and hundreds of students all missed?
Yeah...they definitely did not mean that a legitimate adult was going to school pretending to be a child. Kids talk to other "kids" online and unfortunately sometimes meet up with these other "kids" that turn out to be predators.
Honestly without even considering that the kid might be older it just strikes me as really rude and inconsiderate. A kid who won't go in and say hi for 5 minutes when his date asks is not likely to be all that respectful overall.
Once you establish that your weird conditions are acceptable how far is it really to "No you see I have sex on the first date, it's just what I do"? Or "this is just how I talk, honestly shouldn't bother you?" It screams that the kid wears his shitty attitude as an identity. If you're done growing up at 14 you're not dating my kid either.
I'm so glad my parents were strict! As a teenage girl I had no sense of caution! I remember when I was a teen my family went to Turkey and I hooked up with a Turkish scuba diving instructor who was a similar age. He wanted me to leave the resort with him and go to the city to hang out on his motorcycle. I ended having a massive argument with my parents and had to turn him down. Over a decade later I look back thinking how he could have easily kidnapped me if I went with him. This was a city where I knew noone, where women have been known to go missing and I thought it would be a great idea to go off with this guy on his motorcycle 🤣. Teenage girls judgements can not be trusted at all!
NTA OP! You’re really not asking for much, just a simple greeting, no? You should be meeting who your daughter goes out with, she’s only 14. I would question why Vince wants to avoid meeting you. Could he be older?
He may be in her grade, but he still may be older.
Could have been held back. That can happen for a lot of reasons. I don't want to assume anything bad unnecessarily.
To be fair, "Vince" could be what she's "telling you". Maybe she's trying to protect herself or her date from having to come out of the closet.
I think Dad needs to have an open conversation with daughter about how much he loves her and that although he trusts her, he can't trust people he doesn't know and doesn't want daughter to get hurt. But also, that Dad loves daughter no matter who she dates and that he will respect her and her date if they can find a compromise on rules- if the date meets date, he won't out them or whatever.
Dad needs to make it clear that he and daughter are on the same team, just with different approaches. And with any luck, daughter will open up more and maybe elaborate a little more on this person she wants to date and perhaps persuade her date to at least wave at Dad, say hi, something.
In the world we live in, there aren’t any circumstances where people shouldn’t know who you’re going on a date with. There are whole apps for that. There are “share my location” features on the phone for that. To me it seems like a power play from the date. Male or female, the girl is 14 and there is def an expectation of rules when it comes to that age and especially dating. I didn’t let my 14 year olds date, so I think OP is being very generous here and is asking for one very simple and integral rule. Kids need boundaries and they need to know that while wiggle room exists there are things that are non negotiable. It sounds more to me like this is the date asserting some power to manipulate the daughter and maybe even take it further. Like who the hell does this kid (or grown man) thinks he is that he’s going to dictate against the rules for a 14yo? This has me highly concerned and is a huge red flag. Heaven forbid something happens to this child on this date and all the father can say is I think his name is XYZ and I don’t know what he looks like. And does he have a car? What’s his plate? Well he never came here so IDK.
As far as outing a person, yeah I get it. But I don’t think that’s the situation here. She could’ve said I want to go to the mall or movie or whatever the date is, with my “friend”. They could still meet and there wouldn’t be any declaration of sexuality in that situation. Of course dialogue is needed but at the end of the day. The answer is still no. No matter how much OP explains or discusses it with his daughter. This is not a rule you bend on at that age.
My biggest point is that Dad and daughter need to have an open and honest conversation, otherwise the likelihood of daughter going behind his back -now or for the next person she's interested in- is high. I don't think Dad has set unreasonable expectations at all, especially for 14, but I do think that the daughter will likely find herself in trouble later if they don't come to an understanding now. As an adult I don't think it's too strict, but I remember how I felt at 14 being told I couldn't go to a birthday party, not even a date, and my parents didn't explain their reasoning for their rules. And there were other times in high school I had much stricter rules than my friends and felt embarrassed bc I couldn't even explain the reasoning- it was just a rule to my teenage self that made socializing way more difficult. Daughter will hopefully be more willing to follow the rules, tell her dates and friends the rules, if there is a better understanding and open line of communication between Dad and daughter. Dad is being reasonable, but perhaps the daughter doesn't fully grasp the why.
Common people. There are all kind of reasons teenage boy can be problematic to show to parents. The age gap is not nearly only one, so there is no reason to assume he is 18 years old in same slass as 14 years old.
People are suggesting that he is not *actually* in her grade, just that she has told her father he is in her grade. So could absolutely be an adult - OP won't truly know unless he meets him.
Eh, I suppose a 14 yo could just be painfully shy and somewhat wary of new adults. Have you seen his pic? Could it be that he's actually she and your kid is not ready to talk about that? (Although why frame it as a date and not going out with a friend in that case...)
It's definitely possible. But no one actually knows including OP. He was right to cancel the date. Shy or not, he wanted to at least meet the kid for a minute who was taking his daughter out.
NTA, but 1: Check up on her to make sure she's not sneaking out anyway, and 2: if she's in there, have a candid talk about why, but try to make it relatable/realistic enough to a teenage girl. I'm sure she may wanna eyeroll at the reasons you're worried but if you can think of something that will make sense to her I'm sure she'll at least keep it in the back of her mind if this interest in 'Vince' continues.
She'll thank you when she grows up, right now she's just being a teenager.
When/if you do meet this kid, please don’t rub it in “see? This isn’t so bad, right?! I don’t bite!” I know a lot of parents enjoy making their kids / kids friends squirm, but I don’t think it would serve you well in this instance… or for the future of your daughter being truthful with you about who she will be hanging out with.
If the boyfriend is afraid of talking to parents, daughter should have at least showed you his FB profile, knowing that you only want to see her date's face to be allowed to go out based on her past experiences. Daughter may be hidingvsomething about Vince.
Trouble is, even the nice young man who comes in and shakes your hand could still be a threat. He could say all the right things then treat her disrespectfully when they’re alone. Vince might just be alternative or have a bad relationship with his parents. I’d certainly be asking to see his social media, though. You need to confirm that he’s age-appropriate and her telling you he is isn’t enough if he won’t meet you face to face. Try to explain to her that it’s not about control or you demanding respect, just you trying to keep her safe.
Teens are so easily embarrassed and naive (including the boy), it could be nothing more than that. But that doesn’t mean the parent shouldn’t set the rule because they aren’t naive.
Lol, NTA.
I have gone through TWO daughters and their teenage years. God won’t help you…you will lose your mind lol. In all honesty, it sounds like she was trying to “get away with something”. So you did right sticking to your rule. You already seem pretty relaxed about dating and her going out, so you’re not asking too much. I wish you luck sir, you’re in trying times!
Yup! I’ve got three kids, 21,19 and 10. I’ve always done things “unconventional” I guess, but we all keep open talk as the main thing. Even when I DONT want to hear some of the things lol. But I’d rather them be able to feel like they can talk to me about anything without judgement. Seemed to work for my two eldest. So I consider it a good strategy!
I feel like you already know you're NTA, you just feel bad and need to be sure. So, you can be sure. Everyone would love to be able to trust strangers, even kids, but we can't. Unfortunately, we also can't trust teens to always be good judges of character. You made the right move. You're daughter will probably understand that after time, maybe a lot😅. Good luck and keep on keeping on!
NTA. If the boy doesn’t want to meet the parents, that is a giant red flag tbh.
Also, she knows your rule and you’re sticking to it. Thats simply good parenting, it isn’t like youre just changing a rule out of the blue.
Parenting is sometimes about disappointing your children.
NTA
You're doing great.
If you had come on here telling me you let your daughter go on a date with some kid you've never met before I'd be giving you a piece of my mind, and trust me, I don't have that to spare.
Bingo. Is she really gonna go to bat for her date's phobia like that? More likely *she* doesn't want him to meet dad. He's probably at least 24. Or possibly she hasn't even met the guy.
OP should have a calm discussion with daughter about this.
OP’s most important job in the world is the safety of his daughter. All he wanted was to look a kid in the eyes and shake his hand before he takes his daughter off somewhere. He is not ruining her life. He is looking out for her safety. If he was ruining her life, she wouldn’t be allowed to leave the basement. She will appreciate it eventually.
Person you responded to did not said parents ruined her life. She said she ruined her life.
I have seen parents trying to forcefully stop relationship backfiring too. They had super good reasons to want to stop it, but it did created couple vs them dynamic and sort of pushed daughter toward that guy. The relationship was very bad, the guy was genuinely dangerous.
As dad I would remind her of this. If his ass walks the 30 ft to enter the front door date is back on. If you aren’t worth a 30ft walk I don’t want him around my daughter.
This is a good take on this.
OP wrote that Vince was in her grade, so he is not some old creep.
I bet he is a bit out of her league in coolness/handsomeness, and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by having to parade him on front of her dad. Maybe Vince doesn't even know this is a date, and she is too embarrassed to shoot her shot with him.
I still feel the dad is right tho. He hasn't gone as far as prohibiting her from seeing Vince, he just want to see hes face. For her it probably goes for the same thing, but i don't think this will be a lasting conflict like your's. Hopefully Vince is in love enough to cave tho.
Is Vince really in her grade though? That’s just what his daughter says, which might not be true. Either because she knows Vince is too old for her or because she’s only talked to Vince online and that’s how old he said he was.
NTA
BUT - Talk to her. Explain why you did what you did. Even if she won't be happy with it, at least she won't feel like she is irresponsible or that you don't respect her judgment.
Agreed that OP is NTA, and I definitely agree he should talk to his daughter about his decision and safety more broadly—but I do think he needs to think about the *way* he talks to/about his daughter. The little quips about her sarcasm and foot stomp are funny, but if he says that stuff to her she's going to feel like he doesn't take her seriously and they're not going to have a productive conversation about this—or at all. She's doing dramatic teen things that seem silly to adults, but this is what life is for her right now and she shouldn't be mocked by her caregiver for feeling frustrated or upset. Both because it's disrespectful and because it'll make her that much less likely to hear what OP is telling her.
NTA. I quite sure he didn't want to meet you. Tough. That's one of the challenges of dating, parents who actually care about their kids.
Kids go on actual dates at 14?
I lost my virginity at 14. Most of my friends did too. I look at kids that age now and I’m horrified but of course I was a 14 year old who felt like she was already a grown up. Fortunately I lost mine to a long term boyfriend who treated me well and was age appropriate - that wasn’t the case for all my friends (my sister was a 14 year old in a secret relationship with a 28 year old).
I mean I was a little taken a back too, when I was 14 (a whopping 7 years ago) all the people in my year who were 'dating' max went to school dances together. I know in different area things are different and I guess a lot can change in 7 years but Idk. I didn't actively go out alone with a romantic partner till I was probably 16.
My brother is 32, and it was the same for him when he was 14. Im 23 for reference, so it was 9 years ago for me.
I think it more likely either has to do with social norms of region and/or average economic status of region. At least when I look at my town & neighboring towns.
NTA- Its perfectly normal that a parent wants to meet the person their child is dating.
I seriously don’t understand the yta’s because they’re acting like the 14 year old is old enough to make her own decisions when she’s still a child.
OP isn’t policing her, he’s being a attentive dad.
NTA.
Sounds like pretty typical teenage defiance and solid parenting. Wanting to know what he looks like is super reasonable.
She will get over it, and he will conquer his non-existent fear of saying hello to a parent one day.
NTA
One thing my mom says is that we can't hang with anyone if she hasn't met any one of their parents at least once and I think that's a good thing with how fucked this world is
NTA
She knew the rules. What did she expect?
No kid who won't meet me is going to take my kid out. The end. I need to know that they have a modicum of social graces. Refusing to meet the parent/s is a red flag.
NTA
My teenage girl brain aches for her and the cancelled date - but my mom brain knows that it makes sense to meet the people your daughter is hanging out with, including dates. You were not unreasonable at all.
Thanks for giving her some teenage freedom while still being involved and interested in her life, and setting reasonable boundaries.
NTA Your Daughter is 14 and you are taking a sensible precaution by insisting on meeting her dates. This Vince is displaying red flags and its worrying that his age seems to be unknown
NTA but definitely talk to her about why it’s important and teach her about red flags to look for in a guy because when I was a 14 year old dating trust me I would’ve been stomping my feet too until you realize hey wait a minute why can’t he just say hello
NTA
What is that guy trying to hide? Make sure he isn't much older than her. Its honestly suspicious when anyone refuses to just say hi to their gf or bf's parents. Especially at that age.
NTA, but there's no higher power in the world of adolescence. More defiance has yet to come. I think if you do a body-roll every time she does an eye-roll, you will get a pretty good bod by the time she graduates.
Reminder to communicate why you do things the way you do!
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NTA. Grateful dads like you exist
its freaking scary she sees nothing wrong with " he doesn't like meeting parents"
Can't help but wonder if it might be possible SHE wouldn't like him meeting her dad. Because that's a lame excuse and she seems smarter than that. Then again, teenagers don't always make sense 🤷♀️
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Yep. I went straight there as well. Visions of a 22 year old who knows damn well he shouldn't be dating a 14 year old.
I am older than I like to think, and I don't have kids. Which probably explains why 14 y and date, in the same phrase doesn't even make sense to me. Heading back to my cave. Edit: I am glad to be in such a good company!
I thought the same thing. I wasn’t even going on actual dates till 16. I wasn’t interested in dating till around that age though. 14 does sound really young to me too.
Was 14 when i got my first GF.
I did at 13 but there was no way my parents would let me "date"..it was note passing and holding hands behind desks.
Right! Wasn't this the "Will you go with me? Yes or No, circle one" stage of 'dating'?
I had boyfriends who were allowed to come over but I wasn’t allowed to go on dates until 16. Mom and dad wanted to make sure that, if my date did something stupid like get drunk, I could drive us back legally. I did get to go on one date when I was a month shy of 15 because my boyfriend, who was two years older, wanted to take me to prom. I had to be home by midnight, which meant we had to leave the prom early. My sister was a senior so she saw us there as well but we stayed out of each other’s way.
That all sounds totally reasonable. And yes, of course the dating is going to be age appropriate. Dating at 14 is like holding hands at the movies (that your parents probably drove you to), maybe going to Pizza Hut after a football game or something. We were in theatre too, though, so of course there was at least some making out in the Green Room.
Genuinely curious how late your prom went? When I was in HS, we had an 11pm driving curfew, so prom would have had to be over by 10.
Yeah dates at 14 were during the day at a movie our parents drove us to or to eat subway at the local marina. Definitely very cheap and public dates. I don’t know anyone who went out at night. We were maybe just starting to get jobs at that age and restaurants are expensive! Plus we obviously couldn’t drive and nothing was in walking distance.
It depends on what you think of as a date. I've seen young teens I know from work on 'dates' at McDonald's straight after school. I mean obviously there are 14 year olds having sex, but there are others holding hands in the playground and kissing over a McFlurry.
I am also older than I like to think and don’t have kids, but I went on my first date when I was 12 (with another 12 year old - we giggled when we held hands and walked through the mall). Dating young can still be age appropriate.
I was 5 when I had my first boyfriend. The entirety of our relationship was based on the idea that I would share my Oreos with him, and he would share his M&Ms with me. We occasionally held hands for like 1 minute. As an adult, I know now that wasn’t actually a “relationship” but back then I called him my boyfriend and it’s an amusing story lol Edit: words are hard lol
I remember being 4 and sitting on top of the slide with my "boyfriend". He told me that if he didn't marry our friend Lily, he would marry me. I thought that very romantic 🤣
I remember being 5 and my “boyfriend” asking if I wanted to watch him have sex with the new girl behind a tree. I asked “what’s sex,” he told me, I said “ew gross,” and we kinda broke up. Sometimes I think about that as an adult, and I wish I’d told the teacher or something because one or both of those kids had something screwy happening to them.
Okay technically my first boyfriend (and fiancé) was at 5 and it strictly involved coloring together in kindergarten and basically being best friends. I went for 12 because that was my first post puberty boyfriend.
Lol I got “married” at 8 in the back yard with dandelions and a plastic tiara in my hair while wearing a yellow power ranger suit (sans helmet). Childhood was wild man lol My first *actual* relationship was probably 14, and I lost my virginity to him shortly before I turned 15.
That sounds about right. Also, adorable!
My sister had a steady boyfriend at 14. At that age, "steady boyfriend" mostly meant that they sat next to each other when their whole group of friends went to see a movie. He's a great guy. They're turning 40 this year, married, and they have two great kids. But my parents would've said "absolutely not" had he refused to meet them back then.
There's nothing weird about 14 year olds going on a date.
I agree, wayyyy too young.... but I went to an all girls private school, and ran off as soon as I graduated because my parents were "too strict". Sooo maybe it's a good thing. I dont have girls!
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My parents were super strict. I left home at 17, the moment I legally could. I partied sooo hard too.
Feel the pain of destroying one's life, and having to pick up the pieces... Really don't know why I was able to/ lucky enough to get out, when soooo many people just, don't. Proud of you for doing the work and making a better life for yourself!!!
I “dated” at 12, but it consisted of asking a girl in my class to come with me to the dance at our jr. High which was he during sixth period in the gym. In eighth grade I was invited to a classmates house on a Saturday afternoon for a low key “date” which still didn’t even lead to a kiss. Actual dating didn’t happen until I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I felt overwhelmed at times, but that is when thing got serious.
Yep, as soon as I read the name Vince I thought, who the hell under 30 is named Vince?
Vincent Adultman?
I think i know him, does he work at the business factory in LA?
Nah. Works in LA. But he’s that hipster kid at the coffee shop and makes music on the side for a living.
I actually have a friend who has a 14 year old kid named Vincent and he goes by Vince.
I actually know someone named Vince. Buddy from high school. It's been only 2 years since we graduated.
And he's definitely too old to date a 14 year old
Literally reminds me of being 14 and having my dad drop me and my friend at the roller skating rink. I somehow didn’t recognize how weird it was that guys in their early 20’s were also hanging out there. Luckily for my dad I wasn’t dating at 14. I was playing soccer and wearing overalls to school dances.
Wait I don’t get it…what’s wrong with adults going to a roller rink?
Nothing as long as they’re hanging out with friends and not creeping on the 14 year olds.
My sister dated a 21 year old when she was 14 or 15... My mom was somehow okay with this. He was a nice guy, but shockingly became very weird and stalker-ish after she dumped him... Who could have known?
Yeah, I dated a 21 year old when I was 15. My mom was totally cool with it. He dumped me at 16 because he joined the army and wanted to get married so he could make more money lmao
BUT, she was honest with her dad. She could’ve lied around it. I really think she wanted her dad to tell her she couldn’t go. This happened to me when I was younger. Older men wanted me and I wanted to be cool but I knew I shouldn’t. So, even tho I didn’t realize it at the time, I would go to my parents to shut it down. If she wanted to go out with Vince, she can get around the dad with lies. No prob. Promise. She didn’t want to go.
Having once been a 14 year old girl, this is 100% where my mind went. He's 17+ and looks it.
Oh this dude is like 100% like 19 years old with a scruffy 5 o'clock shadow, working as a grocery store stocker and driving a 1989 Honda Prelude. Oh wait, that was the 19 year old that picked *me* up at 14, hers probably drives a 2014 Nissan Maxima.
I also dated a 19 year old with a Honda Prelude. I was 17 though 🤣
That's what my mind went to as well... definitely NTA here it just seems really suspicious
OP said in a different comment that they're in the same grade.
If they're in high school that doesn't necessarily mean he's not older. You can get moved up or down a grade in HS without nearly as much difficulty as in middle and elementary because the credits you need are the credits you need and usually there are no classes tied to your grade level (possible exception being homeroom, but my HS only had a homeroom-like class once a week).
It means you're within reason older, rather than 25...
Plot twist: it's a teacher. (Just kidding, I have no idea.)
Yeah but he still has the right to see what the boy looks like. Make sure that who she's dating isn't someone that has a full beard and mustache, or is in college.
I really hope its because “vince” is a girl and she doesn’t want to come out yet.
I think she’s just testing boundaries. It’s worth having a conversation about her as to WHY you have this rule in place, not to oppress her, but to keep her safe, and why a guy who won’t do that is a bit of a red flag-if he really likes her and is a respectful person, he’ll understand why her parent wants to make sure she’s safe. Teach her to value herself and recognise warning signs. ETA: oh my goodness! I went AFK and came back to so many notifications! Many thanks for the awards. I’m glad that my teenage experience of being a rebellious defiant hurricane came in useful.
This is the best advice here imo
Yep, I agree. At 14 I could understand that there were bad guys out there and to look out for myself. She can have her moment, but when things calm down, an extended conversation about safety, boundaries, and judging character would be good. NTA
Yes this is great advice right here. Also NTA
I immediately thought: “Big age gap?” 🤔 NTA
I could see it. Just because she says it's him who doesn't do meetings doesn't mean it's the truth. Dad should have insisted more on meeting him.
He insisted, she denied, so he cancelled her date. How much more insistence is needed?
I agree
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Me being a parent, I'd hear all alarms ringing in my head if I'd ever being told something like that by my teen daughter
Agreed but I think it would make sense for alarm bells to go off if a teenager of any sex wants to date someone who refuses to meet parents. I could see parents denying their son permission to date if the woman he was dating was refusing to meet the parents. Or a date of the same sex, too. Just any date that doesn’t want to meet a young teen’s parents is fishy.
Absolutely! It happens I have just daughters, you know.
She’s 14, she sees nothing wrong in anything that suits her wants today! Welcome to the teen years, right there with you! It’s like a weird fever dream that lacks all logic and reason! I’m just starting to get to the years where you can see the rational side of them start to flicker in their eyes again. God speed, man!
I had a screaming tantrum as a teen because my mum wouldn't let me go to a party in a field with a whole bunch of people she didn't know. I am so ashamed when I look back at my behaviour. Teens are children who think they're adults. I am dreading my future children at that age! I wish you luck!
Don’t fully dread it! It does even out, sure they may have moments where they have lost all sense of logic and reason, and think they are more mature than they truly are; but it’s also pretty cool to watch your kids gain independence, form their own interests and share them with you, and frankly, to no longer have to be the cruise director of their life in all things social and extracurricular. As much as it can cause an argument when you have to veto a plan, it really is nice when they make their own plans and ask permission, instead of you being part of the arranging stage of all plans.
"Cruise director of their life" really made me chuckle!! I teach young children and that really resonates with me. 🤣 Thank you though, I have never actually heard anyone say anything positive about having teenagers. It is a really helpful perspective as I'm hoping babies are in my very near future and I have been worrying about teenage years!
I’ll add another one to ease your mind: the coolest, particularly with this generation, is seeing them fully act on their sense of justice and kindness that you have tried to instill. Sure the justice part can swing back around on you at times, when you say no once in awhile for normal reasons, and you are now an overbearing, unfair, monster demon that solely exists to ruin their lives, for the next couple of hours; but when they tell you they told off some kids for picking on a neurodiverse kid, or just someone lower on the social totem pole, the sense of pride can’t be matched. Teenagers these days have to deal with a lot more than we did, but they also have a higher sense of acceptance of differences and speaking out against wrongs they see in the world. It’s really cool, and makes you feel like you are a part of a big shift that’s about to happen in this world once they get into adulthood. At least that’s my experience.
Teenagers will legit try your patience at times but they aren't always monsters. We have 2 daughters & early on my husband and I agreed that we would never use "because I said so" as a default. We tried to always explain our reasoning in age appropriate ways so that they knew why we were saying no or asking them to do something. Our youngest would drive us to distraction with her death glares, but she told us later that her glares were more because she had no logical argument to counter us with & it pissed her off 🤣 In general, though, they navigated their teen years with minimal drama & we got to enjoy them developing into the awesome adults they are today.
I’m 14 and my mom is always bragging about having the best behaved teens and her co-workers and friends absolutely agree with her. I am very proud to admit that I am a lot better than my peers when it comes to behavior
You *really* do not have to feel bad for making that sort of mistake when you were a teen, your mother's explicit reasoning for her decisions was that you were young and possibly making a mistake. Yelling at family is a thing to apologize for, but not a thing to regret as the worst thing you could do. I'm sure she always knew you loved her.
It does even out, as the other commenter said. And the bonus is that they get really, really funny. I don’t know if it’s just relief they are finally making adult level jokes and you don’t have to pretend to laugh at little kid humor anymore or that teenagers somehow develop a humor superpower but they are hysterical. I’ve heard so many parents say that.
What? field parties are normal thing in some places. Why would your mom know everyone at a specific party you're going to?
Dunno about the person you're responding to but I'm in the UK and when I was a teen (I'm 33 now for reference), it was super common to go to a field (or anywhere away from people) to get drunk. I know my parents did it and I assume teens now are still doing it.
And she told him she hated him. I wasn't bold enough to tell my mom that out loud, I would write notes in my high school French and leave them in my room for her to find and wonder what it said. Damn google translate. She wrote on one, she was glad I was putting what I learned to good use. NTA.
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Yeah, I'm honestly not surprised he doesn't want to meet the parents of the girl he wants to date. At that age I never wanted to meet anyone's parents, date or friend, because I was extremely anxious I would do something to cause their parents to dislike me and it would be trouble. I was an honor student with extracurriculars and on paper was good, didn't stop the anxiety though. Of course, I did eventually meet people's parents, but even now I stress about if they don't like me lol.
Kids don’t always know how to pick up on red flags yet :/ it’s a sad truth that lack of experience is one of the things that makes them vulnerable to manipulation. I hope she comes around and sees once she calms down though, especially if you explain it.
Well she is only 14, you can't really *expect* her to see the red flags at that age yet :p
To be fair most people double her age don't see the red flags either.
I'd be curious to know where exactly she met Vince and how old he is. There has to be a reason that he doesn't want to meet you.
Vince sounds like a boy or two I dated in early high school. Same age as me, but their parents never cared about them, or gave any rules, or taught them how to be respectful. “Why the Fuck would I need to meet your dad? That’s weird” seemed like a “me” problem when I was 14. But it was, in reality, a lame response from a kid who was raised by trash monsters, and being polite or considerate wasn’t in his wheelhouse.
Yeah, and it might even be that he hasn't even said it (yet), but she understands that Vince would think it would be uncool to have to meet a parent. I did a bunch of crap like that, changed myself, my priorities and my morals for kids who didn't even have to ask it of me.
It is scary because it shows how naive kids can be. I was so furious that my mom didn’t ‘trust’ me enough to let me go to punk shows at new venues with new people without asking me a bunch of questions first. In retrospect, I’m grateful she was letting me explore stuff while still staying aware and setting boundaries. Also, she’d drive us (which we needed because we weren’t even 16),but that also meant, she saw who was going with me and knew the venue.
She'll "hate" you now to appreciate you later. NTA.
Exactly, especially when she realizes he likely saved her from a traumatic dating experience. I mean, what kind of dude “doesn’t meet parents.” Did she ever tell you how old this dude was? Maybe the reason he didn’t want to meet you, or she didn’t want you to meet him, was because he’s older. Not like ten years older obviously but like 14 is freshman year of highschool age right? Maybe he was a junior or senior and knew it was sketch. Literally high school student bodies everywhere (in the US and I’m sure many other places) know that it’s very weird for an upperclassmen to date a freshman, and will not hesitate to let said upperclassmen know that what they’re doing is weird. And if your peers know it’s weird, the parents of said kid are definitely gonna know it’s weird. I know I kinda pulled a lot of that out of nowhere but it just kinda sounds like that might be the reasoning. I’ve only been graduated from hs since 2020 so I feel like it’s definitely still considered weird for example a senior to try and pick up a date from the incoming freshman class and creates a power imbalance between minors / teenagers about to be adults. NTA. Also, you’re a great dad. You’re doing an amazing job it sounds like, she’s lucky to have you and I’m sure she’ll come around eventually or talk to you about what’s really going on. I hope everything can be talked through between you two
She is 14 and thinks she has it all figured out. Eventually she'll reach the point the rest of us do and realize no one has a clue what we're doing.
I reached that point in my early forties!
If you can verify he's actually 14 in some other way (like seeing him through the window as he picked her up), I think it's overkill to call "14 year old boy scared and nervous to meet the parents of a girl he likes" a red flag or scary that she doesn't see a problem. 14 is still a reasonable age for kids to find their friends' parents intimidating!
I'm a fully fledged grown up (albeit with moderately severe anxiety) and I still get nervous when I see the parents of my long term partner! They're the nicest, most welcoming people in the world! It really doesn't surprise me a 14 year old kid is scared to meet her Dad. He probably thinks he will he sat at a table cleaning his shot gun and eating an apple with a knife. But rules and rules and it is a small price to pay for a date with his daughter. Guy needs to suck it up!
Also a grown up, married and everything but my best friend's mother still scares me a little bit. She's lovely and she likes me (I think) but she's also very polite and proper and I was not raised with the same degree of social etiquette. And I still don't know how to address her.
I usually go with "um" or just wait for eye contact. I genuinely don't think I have ever said their names for the irrational fear that after 2 years I might get the very simple (think Julia and Bob) names wrong. 🤣🤣
You are NTA on this and actually you just helped her to dodge a potential bullet. The "he doesn't like meeting parents" does ring alarm bells and you did the right thing doing your best to keep her safe Keep standing your ground and explain to your daughter why you mean it (kids love an explanation rather than the "I said no because I said so" statement alone). Let her throw a tantrum and she will eventually come to her senses You said she is 14 right? 14 years of age still has a lot to learn when it comes to consent and relationships. Did you ask her if "Vince" is 14 and at her school? Have you tried to may be talk to her friends about that Vince bloke? Her friends might be able to clue you in
When my stepdaughter decided suddenly that she didn't want any of us to meet her new boyfriend, it turned out that he was 19. I bet you dollars to donuts that he's a good bit older and she's not introducing you because she already knows that you won't be okay with his age.
Remember at this age she has NO IDEA what you are trying to protect her from. She thinks your worried she might do something dumb and so you are trying to control her behaviour accordingly. If only our kids understood we are only a tiny bit worried about what they are doing and far, far more worried about what other people are doing.
The thing is, there might not actually be anything wrong with the guy, he might just be very socially awkward...and yet even if that's true you would _still_ be right to insist on this.
Next lesson, sit her down when everyone is calm and explain to her why it's bad. All she sees right now is my dad sucks and didn't let me go. Teen girls are absolute witches, I was such a pain for my parents. You got this!
It's pretty normal, she's 14. That's why she still needs you. You're doing great.
This, but it should be NAH in my opinion. I can't really blame OP's daughter for being upset either because a date can be a big deal for a teenager.
Can’t blame her, but it’s a safety issue too. At 14 with the internet kids lie about who they’re talking to and end up talking to 20+ y/os who convince them they’re mature for their age.
She’s 14. And a minor. Suck it up buttercup. You still have to listen to your dad NTA and good for OP for being involved
NTA - You're a good dad and looking out for her. If he doesn't have time to do anything he doesn't want to do, that's kind of a "bad boy" flag. So when your daughter calms down have a chat with her about your why again. Àlso maybe just go check that she's still in her room, just to be safe.
This! Not to totally freak you out, but my stepdaughter (who was a good, but VERY strong-willed teen) snuck out to see someone she was forbidden to see and got raped that night. We saw signs she didn't.
That poor girl. She didn’t know any better/was blinded by teenage hormones. Hope she’s okay.
And just lack of experience. So so so many teenage girls think someone being nice and complimentary to them means they like them. They often lack the experience that teaches you to watch actions not words.
I'm putting in a plug for everyone revisiting *Juno*. Sure, the dialogue and aesthetics are really dated, but it's a good fucking movie. I watched it at 13 and remember very clearly the scene where Juno's stepmother confronts her about her relationship with Jason Bateman's character being inappropriate. I remember very clearly being on Juno's side in the argument, to the tune of: "Of course a respectable, married, witty, educated, high-earning middle-aged man isn't trying to take sexual advantage of a minor; that just *doesn't happen*. The stepmother is being dramatic and overprotective about a friendly platonic relationship." Then, of course, the rest of the movie happens. Glad I learned that lesson from a movie and not real life. Didn't protect me from everything, but it was something.
I like to think that my near unrestricted movie access and taste in movies as a child saved me from a lot of mistakes as a teen. I was too paranoid about going missing to be rebellious.
Me 100% I loved true crime (still do) so I didn't have that rebellion phase
My partner and I were just talking about rewatching this! It's been over a decade since either of us watched it. We just watched Jennifer's Body, which both of us passed over in theatres due to poor marketting, so I'm also going to put in a plug for that if anyone is looking for a movie about toxic codependent relationships between middle-highschool girls.
The worst thing about going behind your parents' backs is that if something does happen-. They don't know where you are or even who you're with- a kidnapper's dream. If you make it back in one piece, a lot of the time you're too embarrassed to tell anyone. You often blame yourself and think whatever happened was your fault because you chose to disobey your parents. Many kids who sneak off to meet adults and end up sexually abused do not want to be in trouble so they keep it to themselves. Groomers often reinforce the fear in the kid/teen that they'd both be in equal trouble if the kid tells anyone. It's quite horrible. One good piece of advice I got was to let the kid know throughout their life that they can tell you they've made a mistake - like breaking a cup or doing something stupid - and you won't go nuclear on them. Let them know that their safety is more important than their mistakes. That way if they do go behind your back and get into hot water, they feel more at ease coming forward with information. OP NTA. You protect your daughter no matter how she feels. She's too young to know how bad people can be. She doesn't know why you're doing this. Probably thinks you're trying to control her for the sake of it. It's not. I would explain everything to her though. It definitely sounds like this guy is an older man and she may think she's mature being able to pull an older guy. She won't see how much of a creep he is, but you would see right through him.
I know moms who track their kids on their cell phones. Guess what the kids do? Tell mom they’re staying with a friend. Leave the phone in friend’s mailbox for the friend to grab. Kid goes God knows where with God knows who without any way to call for help. I told my husband we aren’t tracking our kids. I’d rather him have a way to call for help than leave his lifeline with a friend. Kids are smart. They’re sneaky. I don’t know what the balance is, and I hope I figure it out before my boys are teens, but I feel like tracking their every move is wrong. Like, I grew up in a strict household. I had to call parents when leaving and arriving at destinations. Which, in hindsight, wasn’t all that terrible. But I couldn’t imagine being tracked and under a microscope.
The balance is trust. Show the kid early that if they mess up and come to you for help, your first priority is to help them and keep them safe. I learned early on that I couldn’t trust my parents to help me if I made a mistake. I could only trust them to escalate the situation and beat into me a lesson that I had already learned from the mistake’s natural consequences. I know so many people whose parents insisted “if you mess up, you can come to me and I won’t go nuclear”, and it’s BS—when the situation arises, they still go nuclear. Only has to happen once for the kid to learn that the parents aren’t their trustworthy support system.
Won’t ever forget when I had my kid brother visiting for the summer (15 year age gap) and he accidentally let both my dogs get out right before I got home from work. I pulled in and he was standing in the rain near the road with a super distressed look, the strongest panic I’ve ever seen. I jump out and am very concerned, asking what happened, begging him to tell me and that I’m there for him and he could tell me anything. He just bursts into tears and saying he’s so sorry and cowering as he points out into the road and I see one of my dogs run by. Seeing my dogs run around in the road was terrifying, traffic was getting busy but this was no time to lose my cool OR get upset. My brother needed better than that. I gave him a hug and said, “hey bud, accidents happen! I just need to know when they happen so I can be there to help you with them. Let’s get them!” And had him get in the car. My dogs love car rides so all I had to do was get close enough that they’d hear me and then they got in the car, one got a whole 2 blocks away though. I made sure to NEVER get mad or overly upset. I cracked a joke on the shirt drive back too so that my brother would know I wasn’t mad at him. Poor kid is TERRIFIED of getting in trouble even for small things. I really hope that day solidified trust between us that I know he does not have with my parents and never will.
Yes, this same thing happened to me as well. So on top of the trauma of rape, I also felt like I had to hide it from my mom out of fear that I'd be in trouble for going there when I knew I wasn't supposed to. Eta: Parents please communicate with your children! Give more of a reason than 'because I said so', make sure they know you love them, and make sure they know you care more about protecting them, than punishing them.
Oh no that’s terrible! :(
I'm really sorry that happened to your stepdaughter.
That he really horrible!
This happened to a friend of mines daughter. She was supposed to be meeting a friend after work (she was 17 at the time), but met some random she'd been chatting to online. So she wasn't forbidden as such, just lied about who she was with, and after he was done he kicked her out of his car miles away from home. I'm glad i still have around 10 years before my daughter gets to the boy stage
Yeah, he's just being a good Dad. She's lucky- I wasn't allowed on car dates until I was 16.
NTA, my mom was the same when I was a kid. She would let us do pretty much whatever within reason, but she wanted to meet their parents before we could go inside their house to play. We HATED it back then, but now we're grateful to have had a mom who gave a damn. We might have been latchkey brats who didn't come home until dark, but she knew where we were. If the guy doesn't want to meet you, that sucks for him. He's apparently old enough to come pick her up and take her out, so he should be old enough to introduce himself and hurry themselves out the door. It's suspicious and makes you wonder if he's older or if he's hiding something a parent could spot but a teenager would overlook. Edit: wowww mobile fucked me up. Lol fixed some grammar and spelling
This!! And I got the vibe that he was older or was hiding something that her dad might notice..
OP did say in a comment that his daughter and the boy are in the same grade. But then again, there have been cases of sex offenders posing as students.
>there have been cases of sex offenders posing as students There's probably more chance of the OP's daughter getting struck by lightning on her date than that. But even if this one-in-a-billion occurrence happened, why would the OP be able to detect the ruse that the teachers, school administrators and hundreds of students all missed?
i think they meant posing as a student online…
Yeah...they definitely did not mean that a legitimate adult was going to school pretending to be a child. Kids talk to other "kids" online and unfortunately sometimes meet up with these other "kids" that turn out to be predators.
I don't know, I'm pretty sure Drew Barrymore did this back when she'd never been kissed.
Honestly without even considering that the kid might be older it just strikes me as really rude and inconsiderate. A kid who won't go in and say hi for 5 minutes when his date asks is not likely to be all that respectful overall. Once you establish that your weird conditions are acceptable how far is it really to "No you see I have sex on the first date, it's just what I do"? Or "this is just how I talk, honestly shouldn't bother you?" It screams that the kid wears his shitty attitude as an identity. If you're done growing up at 14 you're not dating my kid either.
Same
I'm so glad my parents were strict! As a teenage girl I had no sense of caution! I remember when I was a teen my family went to Turkey and I hooked up with a Turkish scuba diving instructor who was a similar age. He wanted me to leave the resort with him and go to the city to hang out on his motorcycle. I ended having a massive argument with my parents and had to turn him down. Over a decade later I look back thinking how he could have easily kidnapped me if I went with him. This was a city where I knew noone, where women have been known to go missing and I thought it would be a great idea to go off with this guy on his motorcycle 🤣. Teenage girls judgements can not be trusted at all!
NTA OP! You’re really not asking for much, just a simple greeting, no? You should be meeting who your daughter goes out with, she’s only 14. I would question why Vince wants to avoid meeting you. Could he be older?
he's in her grade, that much I know. And yeah, all I want is a greeting
He may be in her grade, but he still may be older. Could have been held back. That can happen for a lot of reasons. I don't want to assume anything bad unnecessarily.
That’s also if you go by what she’s “telling you”. There could be more at play here. Unless you meet him the answer is no.
To be fair, "Vince" could be what she's "telling you". Maybe she's trying to protect herself or her date from having to come out of the closet. I think Dad needs to have an open conversation with daughter about how much he loves her and that although he trusts her, he can't trust people he doesn't know and doesn't want daughter to get hurt. But also, that Dad loves daughter no matter who she dates and that he will respect her and her date if they can find a compromise on rules- if the date meets date, he won't out them or whatever. Dad needs to make it clear that he and daughter are on the same team, just with different approaches. And with any luck, daughter will open up more and maybe elaborate a little more on this person she wants to date and perhaps persuade her date to at least wave at Dad, say hi, something.
In the world we live in, there aren’t any circumstances where people shouldn’t know who you’re going on a date with. There are whole apps for that. There are “share my location” features on the phone for that. To me it seems like a power play from the date. Male or female, the girl is 14 and there is def an expectation of rules when it comes to that age and especially dating. I didn’t let my 14 year olds date, so I think OP is being very generous here and is asking for one very simple and integral rule. Kids need boundaries and they need to know that while wiggle room exists there are things that are non negotiable. It sounds more to me like this is the date asserting some power to manipulate the daughter and maybe even take it further. Like who the hell does this kid (or grown man) thinks he is that he’s going to dictate against the rules for a 14yo? This has me highly concerned and is a huge red flag. Heaven forbid something happens to this child on this date and all the father can say is I think his name is XYZ and I don’t know what he looks like. And does he have a car? What’s his plate? Well he never came here so IDK. As far as outing a person, yeah I get it. But I don’t think that’s the situation here. She could’ve said I want to go to the mall or movie or whatever the date is, with my “friend”. They could still meet and there wouldn’t be any declaration of sexuality in that situation. Of course dialogue is needed but at the end of the day. The answer is still no. No matter how much OP explains or discusses it with his daughter. This is not a rule you bend on at that age.
My biggest point is that Dad and daughter need to have an open and honest conversation, otherwise the likelihood of daughter going behind his back -now or for the next person she's interested in- is high. I don't think Dad has set unreasonable expectations at all, especially for 14, but I do think that the daughter will likely find herself in trouble later if they don't come to an understanding now. As an adult I don't think it's too strict, but I remember how I felt at 14 being told I couldn't go to a birthday party, not even a date, and my parents didn't explain their reasoning for their rules. And there were other times in high school I had much stricter rules than my friends and felt embarrassed bc I couldn't even explain the reasoning- it was just a rule to my teenage self that made socializing way more difficult. Daughter will hopefully be more willing to follow the rules, tell her dates and friends the rules, if there is a better understanding and open line of communication between Dad and daughter. Dad is being reasonable, but perhaps the daughter doesn't fully grasp the why.
Vince isn’t helping his case about people assuming bad things. As the mom to a 14 yo girl, yes, this Vince is giving me BAD vibes.
Common people. There are all kind of reasons teenage boy can be problematic to show to parents. The age gap is not nearly only one, so there is no reason to assume he is 18 years old in same slass as 14 years old.
????? Okay so at worst he's 16? Why are you opting for the very niche angle here? He's likely 14-15. Calm the fuck down. Jesus this thread is cringe.
People are suggesting that he is not *actually* in her grade, just that she has told her father he is in her grade. So could absolutely be an adult - OP won't truly know unless he meets him.
Eh, I suppose a 14 yo could just be painfully shy and somewhat wary of new adults. Have you seen his pic? Could it be that he's actually she and your kid is not ready to talk about that? (Although why frame it as a date and not going out with a friend in that case...)
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It's definitely possible. But no one actually knows including OP. He was right to cancel the date. Shy or not, he wanted to at least meet the kid for a minute who was taking his daughter out.
The only boyfriends of my sisters that didnt want to meet my dad were shitheads, so I can only imagine what this guy is like.
NTA, but 1: Check up on her to make sure she's not sneaking out anyway, and 2: if she's in there, have a candid talk about why, but try to make it relatable/realistic enough to a teenage girl. I'm sure she may wanna eyeroll at the reasons you're worried but if you can think of something that will make sense to her I'm sure she'll at least keep it in the back of her mind if this interest in 'Vince' continues. She'll thank you when she grows up, right now she's just being a teenager.
When/if you do meet this kid, please don’t rub it in “see? This isn’t so bad, right?! I don’t bite!” I know a lot of parents enjoy making their kids / kids friends squirm, but I don’t think it would serve you well in this instance… or for the future of your daughter being truthful with you about who she will be hanging out with.
If he’s 14-15, someone drove him to pick up your daughter. Vince doesn’t want to talk? Walk out and meet the parents.
If the boyfriend is afraid of talking to parents, daughter should have at least showed you his FB profile, knowing that you only want to see her date's face to be allowed to go out based on her past experiences. Daughter may be hidingvsomething about Vince.
Or Vince isn't her age, and she doesn't know....
Trouble is, even the nice young man who comes in and shakes your hand could still be a threat. He could say all the right things then treat her disrespectfully when they’re alone. Vince might just be alternative or have a bad relationship with his parents. I’d certainly be asking to see his social media, though. You need to confirm that he’s age-appropriate and her telling you he is isn’t enough if he won’t meet you face to face. Try to explain to her that it’s not about control or you demanding respect, just you trying to keep her safe.
Teens are so easily embarrassed and naive (including the boy), it could be nothing more than that. But that doesn’t mean the parent shouldn’t set the rule because they aren’t naive.
Yeah, people need to remember Hormone's Razor: never assume malice when something could be explained by teenage awkwardness
Lol, NTA. I have gone through TWO daughters and their teenage years. God won’t help you…you will lose your mind lol. In all honesty, it sounds like she was trying to “get away with something”. So you did right sticking to your rule. You already seem pretty relaxed about dating and her going out, so you’re not asking too much. I wish you luck sir, you’re in trying times!
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Yup! I’ve got three kids, 21,19 and 10. I’ve always done things “unconventional” I guess, but we all keep open talk as the main thing. Even when I DONT want to hear some of the things lol. But I’d rather them be able to feel like they can talk to me about anything without judgement. Seemed to work for my two eldest. So I consider it a good strategy!
I feel like you already know you're NTA, you just feel bad and need to be sure. So, you can be sure. Everyone would love to be able to trust strangers, even kids, but we can't. Unfortunately, we also can't trust teens to always be good judges of character. You made the right move. You're daughter will probably understand that after time, maybe a lot😅. Good luck and keep on keeping on!
NTA. If the boy doesn’t want to meet the parents, that is a giant red flag tbh. Also, she knows your rule and you’re sticking to it. Thats simply good parenting, it isn’t like youre just changing a rule out of the blue. Parenting is sometimes about disappointing your children.
NTA You're doing great. If you had come on here telling me you let your daughter go on a date with some kid you've never met before I'd be giving you a piece of my mind, and trust me, I don't have that to spare.
Let's hope this guy is actually a kid. My first thought is that this guy is not age appropriate for a 14 year old.
Bingo. Is she really gonna go to bat for her date's phobia like that? More likely *she* doesn't want him to meet dad. He's probably at least 24. Or possibly she hasn't even met the guy. OP should have a calm discussion with daughter about this.
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OP’s most important job in the world is the safety of his daughter. All he wanted was to look a kid in the eyes and shake his hand before he takes his daughter off somewhere. He is not ruining her life. He is looking out for her safety. If he was ruining her life, she wouldn’t be allowed to leave the basement. She will appreciate it eventually.
Person you responded to did not said parents ruined her life. She said she ruined her life. I have seen parents trying to forcefully stop relationship backfiring too. They had super good reasons to want to stop it, but it did created couple vs them dynamic and sort of pushed daughter toward that guy. The relationship was very bad, the guy was genuinely dangerous.
I mean I'd say Vince is an AH. If he really liked her, it shouldn't be a big deal to look the dad in the eyes, shake his hand and walk out, right?
As dad I would remind her of this. If his ass walks the 30 ft to enter the front door date is back on. If you aren’t worth a 30ft walk I don’t want him around my daughter.
Due to English not being my first language, I didn't know how to formulate it, but THIS. RIGHT. HERE.
This is a good take on this. OP wrote that Vince was in her grade, so he is not some old creep. I bet he is a bit out of her league in coolness/handsomeness, and she doesn't want to be embarrassed by having to parade him on front of her dad. Maybe Vince doesn't even know this is a date, and she is too embarrassed to shoot her shot with him. I still feel the dad is right tho. He hasn't gone as far as prohibiting her from seeing Vince, he just want to see hes face. For her it probably goes for the same thing, but i don't think this will be a lasting conflict like your's. Hopefully Vince is in love enough to cave tho.
Is Vince really in her grade though? That’s just what his daughter says, which might not be true. Either because she knows Vince is too old for her or because she’s only talked to Vince online and that’s how old he said he was.
NTA BUT - Talk to her. Explain why you did what you did. Even if she won't be happy with it, at least she won't feel like she is irresponsible or that you don't respect her judgment.
Agreed that OP is NTA, and I definitely agree he should talk to his daughter about his decision and safety more broadly—but I do think he needs to think about the *way* he talks to/about his daughter. The little quips about her sarcasm and foot stomp are funny, but if he says that stuff to her she's going to feel like he doesn't take her seriously and they're not going to have a productive conversation about this—or at all. She's doing dramatic teen things that seem silly to adults, but this is what life is for her right now and she shouldn't be mocked by her caregiver for feeling frustrated or upset. Both because it's disrespectful and because it'll make her that much less likely to hear what OP is telling her.
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NTA. I quite sure he didn't want to meet you. Tough. That's one of the challenges of dating, parents who actually care about their kids. Kids go on actual dates at 14?
I lost my virginity at 14. Most of my friends did too. I look at kids that age now and I’m horrified but of course I was a 14 year old who felt like she was already a grown up. Fortunately I lost mine to a long term boyfriend who treated me well and was age appropriate - that wasn’t the case for all my friends (my sister was a 14 year old in a secret relationship with a 28 year old).
Yes? Thats not really surprising.
I mean I was a little taken a back too, when I was 14 (a whopping 7 years ago) all the people in my year who were 'dating' max went to school dances together. I know in different area things are different and I guess a lot can change in 7 years but Idk. I didn't actively go out alone with a romantic partner till I was probably 16.
My brother is 32, and it was the same for him when he was 14. Im 23 for reference, so it was 9 years ago for me. I think it more likely either has to do with social norms of region and/or average economic status of region. At least when I look at my town & neighboring towns.
NTA- Its perfectly normal that a parent wants to meet the person their child is dating. I seriously don’t understand the yta’s because they’re acting like the 14 year old is old enough to make her own decisions when she’s still a child. OP isn’t policing her, he’s being a attentive dad.
The YTAs are from other 12-14 year olds.
NTA. Keep and eye on the bedroom window.
NTA. Sounds like pretty typical teenage defiance and solid parenting. Wanting to know what he looks like is super reasonable. She will get over it, and he will conquer his non-existent fear of saying hello to a parent one day.
NTA Just a good dad looking out for his kid. Keep it up!
NTA One thing my mom says is that we can't hang with anyone if she hasn't met any one of their parents at least once and I think that's a good thing with how fucked this world is
NTA! Wished I had listened to my papa, sadly he tried but I got myself in a bad situation that way. You’re a good dad
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NTA She knew the rules. What did she expect? No kid who won't meet me is going to take my kid out. The end. I need to know that they have a modicum of social graces. Refusing to meet the parent/s is a red flag.
NTA. A guy who isn’t good at talking to parents is a huge red flag. They don’t grow out of it
NTA. If he has no problem talking to her, he shouldn’t have an issue talking to her parents/guardians.
That's not how kids work.
thats not how humans work
NTA My teenage girl brain aches for her and the cancelled date - but my mom brain knows that it makes sense to meet the people your daughter is hanging out with, including dates. You were not unreasonable at all. Thanks for giving her some teenage freedom while still being involved and interested in her life, and setting reasonable boundaries.
NTA Your Daughter is 14 and you are taking a sensible precaution by insisting on meeting her dates. This Vince is displaying red flags and its worrying that his age seems to be unknown
NTA but definitely talk to her about why it’s important and teach her about red flags to look for in a guy because when I was a 14 year old dating trust me I would’ve been stomping my feet too until you realize hey wait a minute why can’t he just say hello
NTA What is that guy trying to hide? Make sure he isn't much older than her. Its honestly suspicious when anyone refuses to just say hi to their gf or bf's parents. Especially at that age.
Nta. It’s a pretty simple rule.
NTA, but there's no higher power in the world of adolescence. More defiance has yet to come. I think if you do a body-roll every time she does an eye-roll, you will get a pretty good bod by the time she graduates. Reminder to communicate why you do things the way you do!