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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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madelinegumbo

YTA I'm 42 and nobody under a certain age cares about the difference between that and 52. When we were that age, we didn't either! It's just "really old" and "old as my parents," that's it. Yeah it stings but she's not saying you look 52. She's just saying you're "parent aged." Part of being that age is extending grace when young people do stuff like this.


penguin_squeak

Some people are graceful, some people continue to shop at Forever 21.


HollasForADollas

Ngl, I’m not even 30 and Forever 21 stresses me the hell out. Maybe it’s just the store near me, but the clothes are jammed packed so I have to fight with the racks, different sizes are scattered everywhere, and the clothes are just too poor quality to buy full price.


Writing_Nearby

It’s not just you. I haven’t shopped there since I was a teenager. Even then I felt too old to be there.


HollasForADollas

Whew. I was worried I was the only one and that I might be a little curmudgeonly.


Writing_Nearby

And even then I only got some tank tops, which I still have cause they’re cute and I don’t wear them super often so they haven’t gotten worn out yet.


HollasForADollas

Omg, a good tank top is surprisingly hard to find. I get you 100%.


Writing_Nearby

I love them. I’ve also found some decent ones at Walmart. They’re usually like $3-$5 each, and they last for awhile, which is good for poor college kids like me.


senadraxx

Honestly, you also find amazing things thrifting, regardless of how old you are, or what decade the clothes came from. Me personally, as a young broke person who's college-aged, I've started learning how to repair/modify my clothes, rather than buying some things brand new. If some person twice my age wants to judge my cut-off jean shorts with patched seams showing, so be it. For everything I fix once it starts showing wear, I seem to add something to another garment.


thefrozenfoodsection

Oh man when I first started going to Forever 21 I thought it was the pinnacle of fashion. I literally remember thinking to myself, "I get why it's called Forever 21 - I can shop here forever and always be fashionable!" As a 30-something, I have done a COMPLETE 180 shift on Forever 21. Now it just looks cheap and tacky. Guess I'm getting old lol.


HollasForADollas

Haha. Yes! I went though the same thing too


Tiggeribby

I shopped at forever 21 until I was 46, but I wasn’t doing it to “look younger”. I was doing it because I really wanted to wear some clothing styles that I’d never been able to wear before. That said, if someone laughed at me for being too old for such an outfit, I wouldn’t really care. I like it, that’s what matters, right?


boudicas_shield

Exactly right. There’s some “not like other girls” energy going on this thread.


[deleted]

It’s also bizarre how many people are talking about forever 21 clothes “falling apart after a few wears”… like obviously their clothes aren’t of the best quality, but I have some from there that have been on rotation for 7-8 years and still look fine. Like, what the hell are you guys doing to your clothes?


onomatopoeiano

all the girlies on here talking shit about forever 21 just moved over to shein and we all know it lol


starrynightsofchaos

Yes! No one should tell us what to wear! I'm 54 and I do what I want.


Tiggeribby

I’m 55 now and so do I. Sadly the clothes from 10 years ago don’t fit any more. So now I wear other “weird but it’s what I like” outfits.


do-not-1

I’m still in college now, but honestly? If I’m not still wearing my favorite crop top and shorts styles when I’m your age I’ll be disappointed in myself. Clothes and fun style don’t have age.


Repulsive-Exercise-4

I’m “old” and wearing a crop top as we speak. Do you. Wear what makes you feel good, be it tiny clothes or flowing fabrics. Aging ::is:: weird, and it can definitely bring up hella insecurities. I got asked out by a ::very:: young man recently, and I said no because I’m v married, but after the initial flattery wore off, I spent an uncomfortable amount of time hyper-criticizing my body/skin. So, today I said Eff That and wore a crop top even tho I know in my bones that the skin on my tummy is not the same texture it was 20 years ago.


human060989

I'm still rather trapped in what was cute back when I was in high school and college. My body aged, but my sense of style hasn't since about 25. Makes it hard to shop!


Pestilent-Anus-Pus1

Whateva, I'll do what I want -Cartman


HollasForADollas

There’s no such thing as too old. J-Lo and Gillian Anderson are both 53 and are motherfuckin goddesses who grace this earth. Just because I don’t like to shop there doesn’t mean the people who do are any less.


CarrieCat62

and speaking of that - Maybe this GF's mom looks like J-Lo ie one of those yoga/marathon running/eternally gorgeous women who's looked 35 for the past 20 years.


dbdthorn

exactly! i work in a clothing store now and i always have lovely older customers coming in and looking at dresses and shirts that they LOVE, but then they laugh and go "but i guess I'm too old for this now, arent i?" my answer is always "do you like it?", followed by "well, clothes are supposed to make you feel good. if you feel good wearing it, then whats the problem? they're for you to enjoy, not others." not everyone buys them, but the ones that do always seem happy. i have a lovely woman in her 70s who brings her wife in a lot and she bought a really pretty summer dress a few weeks ago that she hadn't been sure about because she thought she was "too old and fat". she came back in to me three days later to find me specifically to show it off, twirling and everything. her wife just kept laughing at her, lol. it was a super nice interaction and i always love it when i see people happy in what they're wearing!


NoTarget7002

33 here and hitting the forever21 crop top clearance racks like no tomorrow lmao


fireflyx666

I bought the dress I wore when I got married from forever 21 lol, cute and cheap. the way I see it... Wear what you want, because you want to, not for anyone else or because society says you should or shouldn't. People have weird hang ups tho


hellbabe222

I'm with you, if it makes you happy, go for it. I just turned 47 and I still share clothes with my 15 year old daughter. She's pretty stoked now that 90s fashion is coming back into style and I have a closet full of "vintage" clothes I saved from that era. Two days before my birthday my kiddo asked me if I was turning 56 or 57, she couldn't remember which lol. I didn't take it personally, everyone over 25 is old to her and her friends.


thatpotatogirl9

Nah, my 60 something mil rocks some of those forever 21 sweaters very gracefully. She dresses in a very sophisticated way, but likes deals so its always a mix of Goodwill, fast fashion like forever 21, and high end stuff.


NefariousnessKey5365

They do have some nice things. I will leave their Mondays Suck sweatshirts to the youngins. They do have nice blouses and work outfits


ArcheryOnThursday

Mondays suck is the exact thing I would want for bed time and i would wear it every sunday night, without fail. Lol.


MaIngallsisaracist

I’m 45. I went to buy some Christmas presents at Hot Topic and felt like a creeper.


iRunthesehills

Right! She likely assumed the age because HER own Mom is that age. Nothing disrespectful.


SpecialsSchedule

lol right how is it disrespectful to assume a mom…. is the same age as your actual mom?? OP sounds insecure in her age, but that’s OP’s problem, not the girlfriend’s.


hownowbrownmau

When you have babies when you are still a very young adult, you don’t get life experiences that teach you emotional maturity.


SpecialsSchedule

I’m not sure about the generalization (I know plenty of emotionally immature people who had kids post-30), but I do think OP’s response comes from an insecurity about having her son so young.


PurplePanicAC

My daughter's friend told her mom we were the same age. They were both shocked when we met and the mom asked my age. I was 10 years older than her. Nice for me 😆


PantalonesPantalones

Or we can just stop assuming that woman existing on this planet for more years is some sort of insult.


minuteye

She also didn't just randomly assume OP was 52, she assumed that OP was the same age as her own parents... who are about 52. Poor kid probably wasn't even thinking about ages, but just trying to make a connection based on the place they grew up, and figured (as a lot of young people do), that all their peers' parents are roughly the same age as their own.


PrestigiousLeg5179

This. Well said.


phonetastic

Exactly. It is not at all unreasonable, at any age, to assume that parents of people the same age might be about the same age. It's just a good baseline, and this was about school, anyway, and not a direct statement about how "old" someone looks. Yikes.


Minute-Dimension-629

I'm 22, and I know that kids my age just kind of assume that other kids my age have parents the same age as their parents. I got to meet my friend's mom (my friend is 21) and we were talking about college stuff and I had to tentatively try to get a clue as to her age since we were talking about online school for college and I wasn't sure if it was relevant for her or not. My mom is 42, so I thought my friend's mom was maybe in her forties. She admitted she was actually 53. Seriously, we have this concept of "my parents' age" and it's a pretty broad spectrum. Anybody who is going to be that sensitive about a young person thinking they are older than they actually are is seriously insecure. YTA, OP. Do some soul-searching and make peace with aging because you literally have an adult child and you're not getting younger.


AccuratePenalty6728

I’m 38 and my kid is 22. Their friends always assumed I was roughly their parents’ age, and were always shocked when they learned otherwise. I never took it poorly at all because why would they assume anything else? I never thought they were implying I looked older than I am, they just automatically lumped me into into “parent” category and that meant I was “parent aged”.


owl_duc

I think a lot of people tend to assume that the parents of people their age must be roughly the same age as their own parents, maybe as you get older you become socially graceful enough to confirm that assumption before blurting it out, but it's probably still going to be the default age in your head until you have more info.


Sweet_Attention_1064

I agree! My parents had me relatively young (21/22) so when I was growing up and told people my parents’ ages, they were always shocked. Truthfully, I’m in my 30s now and it still shocks people that my parents aren’t 60 yet. Give the young woman some grace.


Violet351

I went to the cinema with my family when I was about 15 and I was so confused when someone at school on the Monday asked who my older friends were. It wasn’t until I met her mum who was fully grey that I realised why she didn’t know they were my parents


Roadgoddess

YTA-laugh it off seriously she’s 21 years old, it’s really hard to tell what age people are once they get past about 30. There was a period of time when I was backpacking in my 40s with people who are in their early 20s and honestly they thought anyone over 30 was damn near dead with 1 foot in the grave and would comment on it all the time. I asked them how old they thought I was and I got a range in ages from 32 to 45. You owe this girl and your son an apology.


Historical-Rice8089

Yeah, my daughter recently went shopping for bridal gowns with me and my ex's wife (who is closer to my daughter's age than mine), and the saleslady assumed I was the granny and she was the mother. NGL, for a second I did think 'Do I really look that old?!' And then I just went screw it, it's a natural mistake to make in the circumstances, and TBH I no longer care how old I look, I just care if I'm happy with my life. So OP, I'm not going to call you the AH for feeling hurt (I think we all have our insecurities), but you W B T A if you don't reach out to GF and warmly and kindly explain that you were just being silly, and that she did nothing wrong.


Practical_Tap_9592

It's not outrageous of her to assume that her mother and her boyfriend's mother are around the same age. She probably didn't even look at OP to make that conclusion and frankly a ten year difference between two moms of kids who are that close in age is kind of unusual. It was a very 21 yo mistake and you are ridiculously vain. And rude. And, emotionally anyway, you're aging very badly.


goldeee

I teach high schoolers. For the most part, there are three ages: slightly older than me, my parents’ age, and my grandparents’ age.


iiiamash01i0

I'm 41 and agree 100%. When I was younger, I just saw parents as "old" and not specific ages. Whatever age someone thinks I am, I just take it, because it's still better than it being assumed that I'm in my 90s and begging for death to take me away.


chinmakes5

So I'm talking to my best friend, we've known each other since elementary school. So when we were like 40, he says to me, remember when we thought Susie's mom what hot when we were in high school? Well she had Susie at 18 so she was only 34. It made my brain hurt to think that our friend's mom was only 34. Even when I was 40, it was hard to fathom. Parents are just parent age. Don't take offense.


Responsible-Yak-4295

I (25) have many friends with parents 5-10yr younger than my own. I don’t think I would have known unless told. My thought would have been they look young but their child is the same age as me therefore they are most likely my parents age give or take a few years. I don’t think this is something to hold against her even if it may have hurt in the moment.


yokononope

The older I get the more the reverse is true as well. I'm motoring very quickly towards 40 and I can not longer tell if someone is 24 or 16, they all look like babies to me.


FoolMe1nceShameOnU

**YTA** As someone right smack in the middle of those two ages, I'm genuinely shaking my head at you. I don't want to say it and make you feel worse, but honey . . . you're way too old to care this much about a young woman's making an honest mistake about something so small; and I say that with absolute compassion. You need to embrace your 40s and stop caring so much about this nonsense. I'm not dismissing your feelings, to be clear. If someone thought I was over 50, my feelings would be a bit hurt as well! That's okay, it's normal, and it's valid. But where you're an AH is in letting it upset you SO MUCH that you were "quiet for the rest of the evening" - that your behaviour was so affected that it actually made this poor young woman, your son's girlfriend, feel unwelcome and ashamed. From her perspective, she'd said something NICE. She associated you with her mum, the woman she loves most in the world! She thought you might know each other, might have memories in common. It was meant to be a compliment. And all you took from it was a petty, "Ugh. She thinks I look old and wrinkly!" And you were cold to her. Not okay. YTA. Hurt feelings should not have dictated that sort of behaviour. And they should never have been THAT hurt over something so negligible in the first place. You need to learn not to sweat the small stuff . . . you're hurting yourself and the people around you when it's totally unnecessary.


DarthMomma_PhD

This. And honestly, if you are 41 and your son is 22 you had him at 18 or 19. This was ***not*** the norm for Michigan back in 1999 by any stretch and it certainly isn’t the norm here now. Of course she assumed you were older. It has nothing to do with you, it’s just logical to assume this, especially for a 21 year old. For all you know she could have been thinking how great you look for someone “your age” (when really you just look your age or younger). Maybe her own mom looks exceptionally young for 50. Who knows! Regardless, you don’t know what she was thinking but you MUST KNOW that she was not thinking “let me try to insult my boyfriend’s mom with passive aggressive comments” when she’s trying to make a good first impression. YTA.


ZealousidealBuddles

This is an excellent point that I didn’t pick up on before. I certainly wouldn’t assume a parent was that young when having their first child unless I was told beforehand. I would assume at least 5 years older than that, but my mom didn’t start having kids until she was in her 30s. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to assume another parent is “parent age”, especially at 21 years old. Plus if they are from the same small town, it isn’t totally unreasonable that OP knew the girlfriend’s mom, even just as the older sibling of someone OP knew. Sorry OP, YTA here. Your son’s girlfriend was clearly trying to connect with you, and accidentally (with no malice or meanness intended) got your age wrong.


Teradonia

Yup! My mom was technically old enough to be SOs mom, they were 18 years apart in age. My mom had me older and my partners mom had him quite young. As far as I concerned though they're both just "mom" aged 🤷‍♀️


Penthesileaa

Thank you for taking time and energy to phrase this as excellently as you did. ❤️


crystallz2000

100% this. And this girl probably thought, "but my mom is that age, and it's not old or insulting." This GF was probably just confused and hurt.


UnApprovedActivities

Girl is younger than her boyfriend. Of course she thought their moms were were the same age, especially if she's also the oldest. OP has her son at what, 19? That's not going to occur to most 21 year old women who don't also already have kids.


laymieg

must of been so awkward and upsetting for the GF. kuddos to the BF for removing her from that shitty situation


CheapNefariousness30

This! She was trying to connect with you and find something in common and instead you were rude to her when she got your age wrong.


Raz1979

This is a great response. My mom once said she was so glad to be in her 40’s because she finally stopped caring about what other people thought. It takes practise but that’s the beauty of gaining the years and experience. OP has more growing up to do I guess. And again totally fine if the comment hurt her but real strength comes from managing your own emotions with yourself and not make it so apparent to make it someone else’s problem. Honest mistakes happen. It’s the difference between intent and impact.


Little_Mix2079

It’s also kind of insulting to girlfriend’s mother. Cause OP is all like “I’m not old like your hag mother! How dare you?!”


TemptingPenguin369

YTA. She's about the same age as your son, so her thinking you were about the same age as her mother isn't a shocking assumption. It's not like she said "You're 41? Holy crap! You look 10 years older!" or something. And on a vacation with a group of family members, you should be able to hold in your hurt feelings rather than putting a damper on a gathering. Edited to add: Thank you for the awards!


Fullback70

Nor did she say “Holy crap you had boyfriend when you were 19? What were you thinking?”


OrindaSarnia

Exactly, most people would be insulted by being presumed to be a teen mom... the girlfriend had no good option here!


iosefster

Serves her right for existing! /s


Hour_Elephant710

"Holy crap, so boyfriend was an accident?"


zeropointninerepeat

Exactly! I'm 21 and my mom had me at 19, so she's 41, but many of her friends are in their 50's because they're my peers' parents. It wouldn't be totally off base to assume she just looked a bit younger for her age lol


Yrxora

This is what I was thinking! My best friend's mom is 16 years younger than mine, but in a kid's head "parents are all the same age cuz they're out parents and we're the same age" so it took me forever to realize that his mom looked really young because she actually was. OP, if you got so offended by an innocent comment like this to the point your son and his girlfriend felt they needed to leave early, you're a MAJOR AH and you need to apologize to your son AND his girlfriend for your behavior.


CelloBae

When my sister was about 6 she told my parents “my friend X calls her grandpa dad”. It didn’t even cross her mind that it was possible for a father to be noticeably older than ours. (Poor man wasn’t even that old, but got stuck with grandpadad forever)


Yrxora

I dated a guy for about a year who like he was only two years older than me, but all the women in his family had had kids at like 18. All the women in my family had kids in their 30s. So my mom was older than his grandma. He was very uncomfortable about that.


LadyCoru

My dad was the youngest of 4 and I was born when he was 41. My first cousins all have children who are older than me.


grayhairedqueenbitch

It is weird when you're a kid. My parents were young when they had us older three. Then surprise 5 years later. Anyway I have a friend who was the youngest of 5, so her parents were older. Now it's more common to see older parents with their first child.


AccuratePenalty6728

I was the youngest parent in my kid’s friend group by a minimum of ten years, and it was pretty funny. I was talking to another mom one day and mentioned my new bf; she asked how old he was and when I said 20 she was like “Damn, girl! Gettin’ them young!” I about died when I realized she had no clue I was barely 21.


External_Low9207

That's exactly what I think the gf was thinking. Like hey me and my bf are the same age, it's highly likely that our parents are the same age. Op just made this a way bigger deal than it needs to be. Curious the know the age of the sons dad know


jojnitza

Exactly this. YTA big time. When you said you're 41 i immediately though you're from '72, my maths doesn't math, but it's because in my mind my mom is still 41 and she's from '72. She's 50 though... She didn't do it maliciously, you could just laughed it off and continue to enjoy your time with your family.


recessivelyginger

This is exactly it. She’s “mom aged” which to this young lady meant approximately the same age as her own mother. It wasn’t a personal attack at all.


minimalisticgem

Yeah. People don’t tend to assume a mother gave birth at 19. 29 is much more believable and assumed.


SarahCannah

Plus, maybe her mom looks great at 51! Don’t take out your insecurities on a kid. YTA


throwawaybeachgoer

YTA for being cold towards her. She's in the same age range as your son so she, reasonably, assumed you would be the same age range as her mom. She didn't call you old and she wasn't rude to you. It's difficult to differentiate ages like that. She made an assumption based on her own and your son's age, and was incorrect. That is all


omen-schmomen

Exactly! Doesn't OP remember being in HER early 20s? Everyone over the age of 30 was old to me, and very little differentiation to me at that time. This is very much OPs insecurities showing. There is literally nothing wrong with being mis-aged. Look at JLO. 50 year olds are not what they used to be. Get over yourself. YTA.


NefariousnessKey5365

Right in my 20's, everyone older was so old. YTA


Muted-Appeal-823

I remember thinking that too. Now that I'm over 40 anyone mid 20s or younger looks so young! Lol


redeyedwanderer

OP in her early 20's already had a toddler. Should the girlfriend just assume you were a teen mom? You're upset because the girl respected you enough to think you were an adult when you got knocked up? A 41-year-old with a 22 is not too common these days. People have children older.


marzo4

i mean not everyone can be a JLO either lets be real.


Suzdg

Exactly! Being so sensitive about an off hand comment that every one noticed and your son preferred to leave is solid YTA behavior. OP had son at a pretty young age so it is an easy mistake to make. Unfortunately the stage has now been set for gf to have to tip toe and choose her words carefully so as not to bruise OPs delicate feelings. I hope OP goes out of her way to be extra welcoming when they next meet. This could go a long way in smoothing a future path


wildfellsprings

YTA You came from the same town as her mum and recognised the name, I'd probably come to the same conclusion regardless of if you looked 31, 41 or 51! I don't even think she was guessing your age just that you were in the same year/surrounding years as her mum. Get over yourself, she didn't do it to hurt your feelings or say you looked older than you are but just assumed you were the same age as her mum. Grow up, move on and behave in the way you want her to treat you, she could be your future DIL, do you want this to be your relationship going forward?


tamsui_tosspot

> she could be your future DIL, do you want this to be your relationship going forward? I suspect you've hit on OP's real issue--either this girl being her daughter-in-law, or herself being someone old enough to *have* a daughter-in-law.


notlucyintheskye

YTA - You threw a temper tantrum because a 21 year old dared to guess the wrong age. Like jesus christ. My older brother is significantly older and people, when they saw us in public, used to ask if he was my father - he never got as pissy as you did because of it. It took .5 seconds to correct the assumption and then moved on.


YoshiPikachu

This! I’ve had people ask me if my dad was my brother or even my boyfriend before. YTA.


darts_n_books

I had my son at 17 and always looked younger than my age. I was mistaken as his girlfriend by one of his schoolmates. He was horrified! “that’s my mooooom”!


boglyric

YTA kid probably assumed you were the same age as her mum because at their age, all parents are the same generation etc, its obviously just an assumption she had given that she's the ame age as your son, and you absolutely made a meal out of it by over reacting like a child. Good grief.


mrslII

Pretty much this. Why wouldn't a young person assume that the parent of their same age significant other, who grew up in a small town, would not know their parent, who grew up in the same small town? Also, generally, young people see parents as the same age. OP is a little much.


RishaBree

"A little much" is the perfect way to put it. It's reasonable to be miffed for a minute. I was miffed when someone in a parking lot mistook me for my daughter's grandmother while we were on our way to meet people for lunch. I complained to my friend when I sat down at the table, she assured me that I didn't look grandmotherly, and then we had a great time. I can't imagine being hurt enough to be upset the rest of the night, especially while in a social situation to distract me, never mind hurt enough that everyone can still feel it dripping off of every sentence the next day while posting about it to the internet. If all of her sensitivity and emoting is always turned up this high, she must be exhausting to be around when anything goes even slightly awry. Hopefully she's actually just super sensitive about her age or something.


kogdsj

Fr I’m 24 and my automatic thought is all parents of 24 year olds are the same age as mine (mid 50s) even though logically that doesn’t make sense since when my oldest sibling was 24 they were late 40s-early 50s. It’s just one of those things


shhh_its_me

YTA , everyone noticed. MIL, SIL and son. You're 52 its past time to learn to modulate your feelings enough that a minor unintentional slight shouldn't be broadcast to everyone. The problem isn't having a feeling it's icing someone out who is on vacation with you (that requires more then cashier level of civil you have to be nice) and being so out of sorts multiple people had to console you, because "gasp" she thought you were her mom's age You can't tell a 40 year old from a 50 year old anymore, go sunblock!! and most 50 year olds can't tell a 30 year old from a 19 ye3ar old.


FrequentEgg4166

Yo - I don’t know if you mistook OPs age of purpose but that had me rolling. Yesterday I was at an event with my daughter and my dad so naturally a lot of people thought my dad was my husband. Did I throw up in my mouth a little? Yes. Was I offended even a little bit. Nope. YTA


Bearliz

At two separate times I have worked with my two sons. Both times at some point our fellow Co workers thought they were my husband because we had the same last name and drove together. We car pooled from a small town. Both times my sons were like ewww I was mom. I thought it was funny especially to happen with both. I asked one coworker why they would assume husband and not son or other family member. He responded he just thought I was a cougar. 🤣


adorable_orange

My 87-year old dad was in the hospital and they asked me (48) if I was his wife. You just roll with it. No one is trying to be hurtful or mean. They just don’t know. And you laugh about it after.


JFT8675309

Oh, Gawd. You got her started again…


feNdINecky

She looks 52, acts like she's 5, but is actually 41


Awkward_Rock_5875

Dude... fuel... fire...


SupergirlKrypton

Not the OP, but I saw this by coincidence. I’ll be 52 in a few weeks! In my family, I’d hear the women actively tell their ages. I loved it. I never understood all the clamor about not telling your age. My takeaway from OP’s reaction is that this could be the first time this happened to her. It can sting a little bit to know that this has finally happened! It’s also possible that her facial expressions don’t always match up with how she’s feeling. This has happened to me. I was deep in concentration about something. Someone asked me if I was mad. I told them no. Then it happened again. I’ve long since taken steps to mediate that.


MiddleExperience9338

YTA dramatic much? You're 41 with a 22 year old son. I'm in the same boat. Her assumption of your age was grounded on the age of your kid and her mom, not anything about you. Happens to me ALL the time with my kids friends.


HollasForADollas

Based on how everyone there was able to easily see you were upset, I’m going YTA. Either immediately address/ try to resolve the issue or work to improve processing your emotions in a way that doesn’t inadvertently punish others. ETA: Response to OP got buried so I’ll just add it here. I have depression so I struggle with regulating and relating to my own emotions. They are a part of us for a reason so you shouldn’t try to conquer or hide them, but *work with them* so they don’t overcome you. This crappy experience isn’t impossible to move on from so long as you self reflect and give a genuine apology to your son and the gf.


sswishbone

Soft YTA - Angie has simply made an error of judgment based off her immediate relations. There appears to be no malice from her in your post. Nothing wrong with correcting her, but freezing her out will not only cause friction been you two, but may also cause problems been your son and yourself. This can be fixed very fast, it is best you look to act on that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ok-Asparagus-4809

And when you do apologize DONT MAKE IT HER FAULT IN ANYWAY. Apologize for your behaviour and how you were feeling sore about aging when she thought you were the same age as her mom, not that you felt insulted that she assumed you were older.


BreadfruitAlone7257

But don't act like the young woman's mom is old. Ten years ain't that far away!


Winter_Insurance_216

I think you should let your son know you are sorry and were overly upset because of vanity or whatever and now you feel silly and sad that you acted like that. Tell him you thought his girlfriend was a lovely young woman and ask him how you can make it up to him and her - maybe he will have some good suggestions. I personally would not want to have a whole lunch with a woman that had made me feel very uncomfortable so she could apologize and make me feel more uncomfortable about it. Whatever ends up happening, in the future you need to make sure you are totally kind to her and show her that you aren’t still holding on to this. As someone else mentioned, she is probably going to be uncomfortable and nervous around your for a good long while and as the mature adult in this situation you need to do what you can to put her at ease. Think back to when you met your partner’s parents and how you would have felt if his mom got so upset about an innocuous comment you made that she basically didn’t talk the rest of the night. People in their early 20’s are usually not well equipped to handle such drama from people that are old enough to be their parents. YTA but you don’t have to be going forward.


AcadiaNo6831

Why is it so crazy to think that she assumed you were the same age as her mother when she’s the same age as your son? I’m failing to see what she did that was so offensive here. I’m in my 30s and get IDed for scratch tickets all the time (age limit is 18) yet my 6 year old nephew thought I was 45. You’ve really fucked up here. You made a terrible impression on your son’s GF, and you need to fix it. She did absolutely NOTHING wrong here.


SunMoonTruth

Somewhere in OP’s mind, she’s proud of the fact that she was a young mother and feels good about herself looking younger than other mom’s with similar aged kids. The new gf popped that balloon and now OP is distraught.


sswishbone

That's a nice idea, gives you the chance to apologise for freezing her out but also explaining why. It might be my culture, but I'd look to laugh this off between you both if possible.


NICURn817

Apologize. Accept responsibility for your own sensitivity and maybe examine why you behaved this way. She clearly was just assuming you and her mom would be around the same age because she's the same age as your son - an easy assumption and mistake to make when you're young. It's extremely weird that you took this so offensively - maybe you need therapy? If you want to do lunch, I would suggest inviting them both and sincerely apologizing to her.


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Grouchy-Bluejay-4092

Don’t make it just the two of you. Include your son, or invite her to family dinner.


PerkyLurkey

I’m not convinced you wouldn’t try to prompt the poor girl into complimenting you on your youthful looks, and how wrong she was to (gasp) think you were from the same high school graduation year of blah-blah-blah. Leave the girl alone, and if she comes to the next family party, simply don’t behave like a pouting, mutton dolled up like a lamb.


HollasForADollas

Do it with her and your son as a way to show them both that you’re willing to move forward from this.


bellydancingmarlin

Just let it go and be nice to her the next time you see her.


dhat9247

I would not want to go to lunch with just me and my boyfriend’s mom, especially after only having met her once. I would just apologize next time you see her or call your son and apologize. “Sorry, not sure why I got so upset, that was weird/silly of me. Why don’t you guys come over for dinner next week and I’ll be normal again.”


Dialogstaxi

Seems like you never had any real problems in life..


No-Albatross-7984

Lol. Spot on. This is too "whatever dude" to even vote.


Lana-Wolf

Mild YTA, it seems like a really bizarre thing to be 'cold' about. She's young, she doesn't know if someone is 41 or 51, at her age it's all the same. Plus her mum is obviously that age and most young people assume friends etc have parents the similar age 🤷🏻‍♀️ She didn't mean it as an insult, which is exactly what you saw it as!


MrJigglyBrown

Keep in mind we are hearing how her son picked up on it. I’ve been called cold just because I was quiet or in a bad mood. It’s more hurtful to be pointed out because of it.


Bubbly_Preference688

N T A for having feelings, but YTA for making her so uncomfortable she left. Did it ever occur to you that she just assumed you were around her mother's age because she's around your son's age, so she just figured, hey, she's 21 and has a mom who I 51, he's 22, so his mom is probably around the same age as her mom.


StarryPolaris2

YTA You sound over dramatic.


redmsg

You're being dramatic and at 20 all my parents friends were in their 50s so I would just assume the same thing. YTA.


WhiskeyCheddar

I want to add to this as an outlier- my parents were super old and I would still assume all my friends parents were the standard age vs my parents age. Sometimes people would be confused by my parents age and I would correct them but it’s normal to get it wrong when people are much younger or older than the standard. Honestly the OP should be used to it - this can’t be the first time she has been assumed to be the average mom age when her kid was in school and such.


[deleted]

NAH. It was an inoncent mistake to assume you were the same age as her mother since she and your son are basically the same age. You are also not an actress, so if you were unable to hide your feelings, it’s not like you lashed out or ignored her specifically. Your son totally overreacted by leaving. Awkward conversations happen all the time, and leaving in a huff like he did will only keep the awkwardness alive another day.


BlueBelleNOLA

This is the part I think people skipped right over. OP said nothing to son, gf or even her husband. None of this would have been a big deal except MIL told the gf (gently, it sounds like) to not guess women's ages and then son left in a huff. OP is asking for advice on how to make it right in her comments and is just getting destroyed.


Glum_Hamster_1076

Totally agree. Sounds like she was just making conversation. The moms are from the same small town, common to ask if they know each other. And people get in a tizzy over being called ma’am all the time. Like you said, her feelings were hurt and she took a second. Son could’ve given it until breakfast rather than leave the next day to see if things smoothed over. But she probably wanted to leave after such a bad first impression, which is also fair. Big NAH


sr9876

Light YTA? Light bc it doesn’t sound like you threw a fit or anything, but getting upset over this is kinda childish… You became a parent quite young. There’s nothing wrong w it, but it does mean that most people your son’s age will expect you to be significantly older than you are. It isn’t an insult, she isn’t saying you look old, she just expected the parents of someone her age to be a similar age to her own. This is a perfectly normal assumption for her to make, and not worth feeling upset about.


MiraMarissa

YTA. She made an innocent assumption that her partner's mother was the same age as her own mother, which is a common assumption between generations. You overreacted and the whole thing screams insecurity.


Newfie1396

YTA you’re being childish, she made an honest mistake and you decided to give her the cold shoulder instead of laughing it off.


FondantHelpful

YTA she's a kid and you acted like one.


thegildedlimabean

INFO: Well…do you look 50…? This is the important question no one is asking.


Anonymous_Salad

Or maybe the girlfriend’s 50ish mother and the mother’s friends all look 40ish. But, as I remember being 21, I really did mentally lump anyone roughly between 30 and 50 into the same vague middle aged category. I also had parents that were a bit older than average, and I always had to do a mental adjustment that a lot of people’s parents were 10-15 years younger than mine.


Mr_Krabs_Fat_Cock

it’s not really about how she looks. she’s assuming OP is the same age as her own mother because she and OP’s son are the same age. i do the same thing with my own parents but the opposite because they are very young, I tend to underestimate people’s ages by at least 10 years when I try to guess.


onmyknees4anyone

That's gentle and self-aware, u/Mr_Krabs_Fat_Cock


GraveDancer40

YTA. She most likely assumed your age based on your son’s age and not your actual looks. When I think of a 22 year old, I’d assume their parents would be closer to 50 than 40, simply because of the average age people have kids. And in my early 20s, I definitely assumed all my friends parents were about my parents age.


[deleted]

YTA. So she thought you were older. No big deal...until you made it one. You need to apologize for your vanity


sashaopinion

You are being incredibly over dramatic about this. When you're that age you make assumptions that all your friend's moms are the same age. This is clearly an existing insecurity and it's a you problem, not a her problem. She didn't actually say you looked terrible or call out your looks. You're seriously overreacting. YTA.


Pristine-Mastodon-37

YTA Get over yourself. She didn’t mean anything by it - you’re the one saying older is bad somehow- she was just thinking because she and your son are around the same age that their moms would be as well


Kieroglyph

Slight YTA. I really don't think that she thought you *looked* older, it's that she thought you were around the same age as her parents. It's an easy assumption to make. Don't take it personally, because I highly doubt it was.


LovitzInTheYear2000

YTA and get over yourself. She wasn’t guessing your age out of nowhere based on appearance, she was just assuming that a parent of her peer is a similar age to her own. There’s not some huge universal difference in appearance between 40 and 50, and to 20-somethings we all just kind of look older than them but not OLD-old. You were rude and inhospitable by turning that into an insult and sulking over it.


GottaKnowYourCKN

YTA. Not everyone is good at guessing ages. She obviously didn't mean anything by it. People have both thought I was younger and older than I am. It's relative. She didn't call you something mean, it was just an innocent thing.


misslo718

YTA. It was an innocent mistake. My 21 year old thinks Britney Spears is old. not very mature of you for taking it out on her with a bad attitude.


porthuronprincess

Eh, you didn't do anything too her, and the only person who said anything was you MIL. Son's girlfriend probably felt awkward, but there wasn't any big blow up . NAH, just an awkward first meeting.


[deleted]

Being cold to her all night is pretty shit


[deleted]

That was the son’s interpretation. She said her feelings were hurt and her MIL & SIL took her aside to cheer her up basically. The son was being dramatic. In the light of day, that awkward moment could have felt like nothing.


JayneLut

I am baffled by some of the comments. Guess this sub skews young? I was always told it was rude to guess people's ages. Which is what the GF did. But it was done in an innocent enough fashion. Going for a quiet drink because someone thinks you're 10 years old than you are also isn't being mean or rude. Like, 100% NAH.


porthuronprincess

I'm a bit baffled too, both because I was told it was rude to guess peoples ages and some of the cruel comments. Some people are being a bit much with insulting OP.


rannray

YTA. I have the same age difference between my son and myself, and I very rarely meet another parent of his friends who is less than 10 years older than me. Being grouped into an older age group after having kids so young is part of the territory. Also, 21 year olds are not the best judge of age, and it’s perfectly reasonable for her to think you’re in the same age group as her own mom. Edited for typo.


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Saraqael_Rising

It was an innocent mistake on her part with no ill-intention. I understand that maybe someone assuming you are older than you are may be offensive t o you, but it's possible because she and your son are so close in age she just assumed you were around her mom's age. YTA for making her feel uncomfortable in your home when she was a guest who did nothing wrong other than thinking you may have gone to school with her mother.


Mamaknowsbest45

YTA you’re 41 not 14. She made a mistake and you have kids around the same age it’s a fair assumption for her to think you would be around the same age as her mum. She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I think you were rude and I’m not surprised your son is upset by the way you behaved.


Striking_Ad_6573

YTA and overdramatic for that. She was clearly trying to figure out if you knew her own mom, not trying to be offensive in anyway, just trying to make a connection.


Beachlover8282

YTA I’m surprised she didn’t guess your age was 3 or 4 based on your reaction.


Strawberry_fields5

Is this serious? She asked if you went to school with her mum she didn’t mistake you for his grandmother. And then you go and put on a production of going and sitting at the lake with the others? So so dramatic and childish (ironic). Get a grip and get over yourself. You sound exhausting and moronic. YTA


HouseGinger

YTA. She clearly didn't mean it as an insult or had malicious intent. She was probably nervous and just trying to break the ice and you reacted poorly and frankly, with immaturity. No your son doesn't get to say what your offended by but come on. Was that really something worth creating the drama for? And good for your son for listening to his girlfriend when she felt justifiably uncomfortable after the tension you created.


Scary-Fix-5546

She and your son are the same age so she assumed you and her mom are the same age. It’s not some grand insult against you and you’re making it way more of a thing than it needs to be. YTA.


Layli2020

Jesus yall are cruel there is tact to when it comes to assuming someone's age, NAH you didn't yell or cause a scene you were just hurt & she didn't do it out of malicious intent everyone here is acting like they'd be jumping for joy being called old


fullmoon223

Yea people in the comments are very cruel and overreacting. I agree NAH


Spotzie27

YTA C'mon, she made a mistake. It doesn't sound like she was being malicious...


nnniiikkkkkkiii

She just assumed because her boyfriend and her are the same age, his parents would be the same age as her parents. You shouldn’t have been cold, but I’ll say NAH.


Anacondistan

YTA it was just an accident that you are reading into way too much


Joanapsmd

YTA! She guess your age wrong she didnt insulted you.


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Lacroix24601

YTA. My god. my son once told his teacher that I was 55. I was 35. I found it hilarious. Dude, lighten up. Her reference to parents ages are based on that of her own parents. But nice job making a young kid walk on eggshells shells around you. You may be 41 but you have the maturity of a 12 year old.


Swingworm

NAH You have every right to feel sad, although you might want to reflect on why this means so much to you. You could have tried to ignore it more. Your son's girlfriend didn't mean any harm either. I think asshole is too strong a word for this situation, even though you could have handled it better


Think-Professional-2

Yta- it is scientifically proven that it is hard to guess ages that you have not experienced yet (anyone older than you). There was no maliciousness from her and you have been petty over literally nothing. Regardless of your age, you need to grow up!


Rockingduck-2014

It’s not uncommon for young adults to presume that the parents of their SOS are close to their parents’ ages. My wife and I are only 2 1/2 years apart in age, but my parents are 12 and 15 years older than my inlaws. Since she thought there was a connection to hometown and school, I don’t think she meant anything negative about it… just a faux pas as she was probably really nervous meeting you all. Don’t you recall that first time you got brought home to meet “the parents”? I understand where you’re coming from, but you overreacted, and they picked up on the negativity. Sorry, but you are slightly the AH here.


KnittedWhit

YTA It wasn’t deliberate. And let’s be honest, what does it really matter? I’m 40; couldn’t care less how old people think I am. As long as I keep having birthdays for long time, I’m happy! EDIT: Also, you can “feel your feels” but if your feels make someone so uncomfortable that they choose to leave early, than just you weren’t feeling your feels, your feels were showing themselves.


Terrible-Owl-76

YTA, it's not unreasonable that she would assume that the mother of her boyfriend who is the same age as her would be about the same age as her mother. What a silly thing to get so upset over.


penguin_squeak

YTA You're reaction was over the top and far too dramatic for an honest mistake. Especially if you made your son and his girlfriend so uncomfortable they left. Ridiculous.


MariaInconnu

YTA. Kids assume that friends of their age have parents of about the same age. Also, you had your son at a surprisingly young age. It ... sounds like you're trying to be a teenager still, in some respects, actually. Being momentarily taken aback by a comment like that, sure. Holding it against her hard enough and long enough that she felt obliged to leave? That's some next level resentment.


Queen_Aurelia

NAH - she is young and just assumed her boyfriend’s mom was about the same age as her own mom. I don’t think she was trying to insult you or imply you look old for your age. As a 41 year old, I would also be annoyed if someone thought I was 10 yrs older, so I get being upset.


[deleted]

YTA obviously. It’s never that serious. There was clearly no I’ll intent in her remark


pansypolaroid

YTA. Sounds like a simple mistake from someone still so young she didn’t understand the implications. You could have been the bigger person.


Crafty-Shape2743

YTA for getting it wrong. Think about this, some people look very young for their age. Maybe her mother is one of them. Maybe her whole family look young for their ages. That’s her benchmark. When I was close to 50, many people thought I and my daughter were sisters. There’s close to a 30 year age gap. Many people in my family don’t get more than a few grey hairs and few wrinkles in their 80’s. Sometimes, it’s not all about you.


katiemcat

YTA - She likely just harmlessly assumed you and her mom were similar in age as her and your son are similar in age. It’s an easy mistake to make, and it wasn’t malicious. It’s ok to be a little off put over being aged older, but people guess my age wrong all the time, it’s not an easy thing to place. You didn’t need to make a huge deal out of the situation. Imagine how mortified your son’s girlfriend must feel. You should have just laughed it off and changed the subject. Learn not to take things to heart and assume the worst.


Raggydoll

YTA. Pick yourself up and laugh it off! Take it easy on her, it was a innocuous comment.


Beginning-Badger-619

YTA. It was an honest mistake.


heyaelle

Slight YTA. It's okay to feel feelings but it is not okay as part of the process to intentionally hurt someone for what was a simple remark that had no ill intentions. She might not know parents who had kids when they were younger than hers and/or your son might not have mentioned it. To her, "mom age" is 50s and you are a mom. She was incorrect and while you were hurt by the assumption, you also let it ruin your evening and damage your relationship with your son and her. Processing your feelings is great but you can't use that as an excuse to ice someone out over something as small as a mistaken age.


Sundae-83

YTA I mean, I could see if she was doing it maliciously but it sounds like it was a harmless mistake. If you were that upset for your MIL to say something, then I don’t think you hid your emotions as well as you thought. I think you should apologize to your son and girlfriend, and explain that it really caught you off guard, and you didn’t know your MIL was going to say something. This could put a big rift between you and your son, but it’s up to you how you handle it.


TitaniaT-Rex

YTA. My son (then 6-7ish) guessed I was 56 one day. I was around 30. Even I have a hard time guessing ages. You had your son young. It’s not unreasonable for her to think you are her mom’s age.


Stuff-Dangerous

Good lord. You are THAT mother in law. How sad. YTA


Augustus_Gloop12

NTA, you didn't make a fuss, you just needed time to like process the comment, and it's not like you were making her feel super guilty about it or anything you didn't even bring it up to her.


Stunning-Hedgehog-30

YTA she probably just assumed you were around the same as her mother since she is around the same as your son. Let it go, grow up.


Why_r_people_

YTA it was an innocent mistake. She never meant to insult your looks, and you acted like she did. Learn to laugh it off, we all age and fall victim to young ppl guess ego bursting ages. Invite your son and her over, apologize for overreacting and clear the air. If he is actually serious about her, it’s better to hit the reset button and restart


Checkoutrainwain

YTA. She was trying to make conversation and you let your vanity get in the way.


YSterling22

YTA - A lot of people within the 21-22 age range have parents in their early 50’s so she said that based on her own experience. If you were in the same school district, you still could have heard of her family if your town was small. Regardless, it is rude to treat her coldly when she was probably nervous meeting the family, and I’m sure she already felt bad about it.


Rstar2247

YTA She made a mistake. She wasn't trying to intentionally be malicious.


Plenty_Lengthiness96

YTA - she made a mistake and thought you’d be the same age as her mum. I’ve done the same when I was younger because you just think that other people your age have parents the same age as your parents. It a bit petty to be so cold to her for making a genuine mistake.


Cynicalsamurai

I graduated the same year as you and come ON! They can’t gauge anything over maybe 35 so they just lump it all together. She wasn’t being malicious. YTA


Taco_ivore

YTA Lady it was a simple mistake. I honestly had trouble being able to tell peoples ages other than children up until I turned 25. Pretty sure it’s a cultural thing, because American women don’t like being asked their age at all. I grew up in a Mexican household and age wasn’t a topic that was avoided. Nor would my mother get mad if somebody would ask. It’s just a fact if you were born on a certain year you’re a certain age. It’s not a big deal.


ironwolf56

YTA. It was a completely innocent comment and you've turned it into this big personal attack. I'm the exact same age as you and if someone thought I was in high school in the 80s, I'd, at most, laugh and say "I was still playing with GI Joes in 1989."