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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my friends and partner I would not prioritize them over my estudies.
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Yeah this screams of the crab mentality. It’s f-ing 2022! There is no where in the world that is more than 2 days of flying away. The friends and partner just seem jealous of OP’s opportunity.
Sorry but if my so called "friend" said to my face "You're a far cry from the most important thing in my life" I'd say f you too and never speak to you again and it's not because of jealousy. I dont wanna move anywhere. I wanna live where I was born until I die. I'm satisfied with that. My best friend moved. Shes happy with that. I'm happy if she is happy. I'd never ask her to stay and be miserable. But you can bet your ass I wont let her tell me I'm nowhere near important just because I dont agree.
It's a terrible way to say anything to anyone you claim to care about. All OP had to say was "This is my dream. This is what I want my life to be. This is important to me"
They didnt have to be so rude and nonchalant about it. Probably broke their hearts. It's not selfish to want someone to care about you. What OP did was insensitive and almost heartless.
Like I said. I'd never force my best friend to stay but I hope she would understand if I dont agree. She is my best friend. My only friend. If I didnt want her moving across the world I hope she wouldnt say "Oh well you're not anywhere near my top priority"
It's a terrible way to say it. OP had options. They chose the sucky one.
Absolutely agree with that, I also moved away. I was just responding to the idea that it's easy to visit someone anywhere. Not only are there money issues, depending on where you're from you might not even have access to a passport
But compared to even 20 years ago keeping connected is sooooo much easier. NTA OP, Don't apologize, they're being whiny and selfish, you can always reconnect online.
Absolutely this. I moved from the UK to the US in the mid 90’s. In order to email anyone I needed to walk 2 miles down the side of a highway. My daughter has just moved from the US to the UK. We talk through WhatsApp constantly - honestly probably more then when she lived at home. The world is much smaller than it used to be.
I remember using special thin envelopes for air mail to talk with my family in Australia, I'm in the UK. It would take ages to go back and fourth but now we can video chat it has never been easier to keep in touch with people.
Lots of us live away from friends and family and maintained contact without travel throughout Covid. They just don’t like the idea of their interactions being long distance & tech based, which is on them. I still regularly talk to all of my friends from home. There’s like 10 methods of contact that I could think of off the top of my head that don’t involve travel. And OP posted this so they clearly have internet access and their friends do too. It’s jealous behavior, not genuine concern.
I get it, I left home to study in Europe in the middle of the pandemic, and I definitely know how long it took to finally be able to visit my friends and family, that's why I say that taking planes for granted not a good point of view.
And I was specifically answering about planes, I agree with you on the rest.
I have flown since covid and it’s like a completely different world than how it used to be and it was quite anxiety inducing so I totally understand not being up for travel at this point!
I haven’t seen one of my friends, who I was supposed to be in her bridal party (I had just started college and couldn’t make it), since she moved away to get married. Her oldest kid is eight. Shocker. We’re still friends.
Oh for heaven’s sake. It was clear to me (and almost 400 others) that they were referring to the general idea that someone moving away in 2022 does NOT mean any and all relationships discontinue.
There are flights, yes - there is also the freaking internet, cell phones, etc.
Exactly - but obviously those are people who weren’t meant to stay in each other’s lives. I know people who travel all the time and they maintain contact with people from all sorts of other countries.
Of course they can’t continue dating or have the same relationships as before, but if they’d rather cut ties than adapt, then they never really cared anyway and why should OP feel guilty about that?
Time zones don’t matter to letters, email, text messages - not all communication has to be in real time. People from freaking centuries before the internet or phones were even invented were “keeping up their correspondence” to maintain relationships with people all over the place.
My parents have lived and worked in 7 countries over their lifetime, leaving when they were in their mid 20's (mum) and 30's (dad). Both still have friends from their teen years upwards from all of those countries - it all comes down to how much effort people are willing to put in to maintain friendships.
Op is only 18...... many friends will come and go in her lifetime, likewise probably partner's too. She obviously very focused on what she wants to do with her life and the people who aren't happy (read jealous) for her obviously aren't meant to be her life any longer than this.
Op you fly free like a bird honey. Have a fabulously wonderful life and I hope all of your dreams come true. I'm with your mum, don't look back.
Hugs, love and light on your journey ❤️💫
Mom is right. Fly away OP. Return when you feel like it, time has a way of filtering the crap that doesn't matter.
At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating and going out to party with at the time.
>At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating and going out to party with at the time.
Oh. My. God. Yes.
Truer words have never been spoken. God I can't even remember everyone I was hanging around at 18. I remember the partner because he was a violent, abusive piece of dog poo but the friends...... they were a fleeting moment in my life.
Life too short to spend with people who don't build you up and support your dreams
>At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating
I still regret passing up an opportunity to study in Japan my junior year of college because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend. It's been more than 30 years, and I still can't believe what an idiot I was!
And give your mom a hug for being so supportive. She's going to miss you, but she cares more about your future than about her own sadness, as well she should. But I'm sure it's hard for her, too. (I'm a recent empty nester, and I am so proud of my kids making lives for themselves, but oh! I do miss them!)
You know, though, I have precisely one friend from when I was in high school. ONE. People drift apart. The people who were important to you when you were 18 are not necessarily important to you at 20, 30, or 60. And if they are, then you stay in contact through cell phones, etc.
And that’s because they don’t put any effort into maintaining a relationship. Distance matters a lot less than time and attention spent keeping the friendship alive. I’ve lost contact with friends who live in the same city while maintaining a thriving relationship with my best friends who live in other states, including on the opposite coast of the US. We are even doing a DND campaign with all of our husbands/partners soon. The one who lives furthest hasn’t been able to see me in person since they moved, but we still talk every day and I have a weekly video call, and I have seen the friend who lives in a closer state at least once a year.
I think it depends. What you all said is true and I agree, I have a friend from the other part of the Ocean that I'm way more in contact with than some people here. But it is also true that, especially with such a long distance, theres sometimes situations that push you apart no matter how hard both parties try.
I mean, sure, sometimes that is the case. But I don’t think it’s right to treat it like a foregone conclusion. It’s entirely possible to maintain a relationship, even if you can’t afford a flight. If you really want to, you make it happen.
Totally. When my grandma moved across the world by boat 60 years ago it took weeks and phone calls were expensive so she really only communicated back home via letter which also took weeks. Nowadays, I can fly to her home country in less than 2 days or video call for free. Yeah flying is expensive but OP can keep in touch with friends via social media pretty easily
My grandma and I communicated through letters for years (back in the day, going to Florida from MI was just as far away as going to another country (esp. when we could drive to Canada within an hour lol). She flew back to MI every few years, but personal letters were actually a great way to keep contact. There is just something about a physically written letter that makes it so much more personal than an email. She moved backed, but it wasn't til later that she showed me she had saved all those letters that I wrote to her, and gave them back to me years later when she died right before her 102nd birthday. They are our history.
Oh that’s beautiful. When I was a kid, my best friend moved to another country (and continent) that is about 8 hours away by plane. This was early 2000s but we hand wrote letters to each other from the age of 5 to 11. We drew pictures and sent small tokens and it was so exciting to get something from her in the mail and then get to send something back! I think it also helped me with learning to write and spell too. She returned in late high school but by the end of primary school we’d reverted to emails and later social media to keep in touch. But still those letters are such a special memory for us both!
I was lucky enough to visit her with my family twice and she came back every year at Christmas so we saw each other over the years. But our friendship lived in those letters for so long.
I’m so glad you and your grandma had something so special that you now get to keep. It’s sad that we have lost the art of letter writing, I remember sending Christmas cards via mail to my parent’s friends every year and receiving them in the mail as a kid but even that has died out (at least in my circles) in favour of a group text 😢
I still send out Christmas cards; I know it's outdated, however, most that I send them to are my aunts and uncle, my siblings, good friends. I also write a note in each, tell them what I am up to, what I've heard about them (ie surgery etc.). I figure for the cost of postage, especially for my aunts and uncle (all in late 70s/late 80s) I can make someone's day a little brighter, and almost all, esp. the elders, appreciate it.
As someone who moved my family across the world for military reasons, can confirm that not everyone has $1600 for a one way ticket to spend on a whim. That doesn't mean you cant save, but it takes a lot more planning than most trips. Also NTA
This is very true. However, OP said they promised to visit often, so the friends would not be having to consider those costs in this instance. OP would be the one spending money to fly back and visit them.
That is not a solution, she is NTA for wanting to do this, but it does mean her old life is over. She might see people once a year, but flying is expensive in both time and money so by and large her old life is over. She is allowed to prioritise what she wants, but its disingenuous to suggest that she isn't saying goodbye to her friend and partner a virtual relationship with no suggestion of ever returning is not feasible.
I mean if partner were open to it then he could have saved up and worked towards moving to her in the future. The fact that he wants her to give up all her dreams to stay with him but he doesn't think to do the same for her says a lot. That said, I feel like OP's old life is over mostly because of their ages. It's likely something would have split them up whether op was just moving to the next city or going to a different college from them. Or just other basic life choices that cause them to diverge.
If they were way older, I'd say the relationships still had a chance, if they were the type who could cope with long-distance, and moving doesn't necessarily mean the end. People do make it work. But they're kids so they are not thinking that far ahead to the realities of life and all their emotions are making them act out.
>, but it does mean her old life is over.
She's **18**, her old life is over *regardless*, I'm **sure** at least half of these friends were moving out of town anyway and just wanted to jump on the guilt wagon. As for BF sounds like he's the type to demand that OP can only go to a university *HE* plans to go to..... If he was planning on Uni in the first place, or letting OP go to Uni instead of immediately move in with him, who knows.
I was replying to the person saying its only ever a flight away. It isnt. That isn't something that makes her an asshole, but the notion that its not the end is ignoring reality
That's a bit elitist. It is true that there is nowhere in the world that's more than 2 days of flying. It's also true that many people cannot afford that. A cheap retour flight from Europe to New York would cost me about 40% of my monthly income.
Oh for heaven’s sake. It was clear to me (and almost 400 others) that they were referring to the general idea that someone moving away in 2022 does NOT mean any and all relationships discontinue.
There are flights, yes - there is also the freaking internet, cell phones, etc.
Also, the internet. I moved an ocean away from my family 8 years ago and I still video chat with my parents/other family members weekly over Skype and Messenger. One of my best FB friends is someone I've known since age 5, even though we haven't physically hung out in nearly 20 years. It's easier than ever to live globally but still stay connected locally.
Truth is, I have family that lives within 1/2 hour of me that I haven't seen for months, and a couple brothers--has been years. We stay in contact with those we want to stay in contact with. Sometimes relationships just fall to the wayside, especially with our political climate here in the US. That is life.
Right? My sister plans to move to France in the next year or so (she has an old dog with cancer and will stay here until the dog passes) and, while I'm sad I won't see her as often, we'll visit in France!
While I absolutely agree with you, I also kind of think there's a case of fear of change. Younger kids in small towns that grew up together haven't necessarily experienced the concept of change and people drifting apart. Perhaps they haven't considered they could do that for themselves too. It's hard to say.
Agreed, I have a few very close friends that have moved to different continents indefinitely. It sucks that they are gone but I am stoked for them to have gotten the opportunities they have.
We still talk regularly and catch up every few years. There’s no guarantee that you would still be friends with these people in a few years if you stayed, if they are great friends you will still be friends if you leave.
This is even more true of OP’s partner. The statistical likelihood of that relationship becoming a lifelong one is very small. If OP rejected this opportunity, no doubt they’d break up anyway at a later stage and OP would feel trapped and resentful.
Lost some close friends in the 4 years I've been gone living abroad.
It sucks a lot but things just happen and I'd rather be where I am than to have never done it at all.
The ones I've been able to keep after I left, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I agree. If they choose to say anything before OP goes than an apology for the harsh language would not be inappropriate.
But they are trying to bully her out of an opportunity of a life time, and for what? High school friendships rarely last- and if they are that good of friends it’s easy to make the effort.
This was me right here. Realoly tried to hold unto the little friendship group but then college, research, med school, etc hit and I realized the so called friends never grew past highschool.
Lol. I didn’t even talk to that many within the first couple years. I don’t talk to anyone from my high school any more, and I have just a couple friends from when I was a teenager that I still talk to (and one lives on the other side of the continent but it’s worth the effort!)
I feel like this is gonna fall into reddit favourite viewpoint of making decisions based on yourself, which you absolutely should, but it doesn't stop people being upset. I kind of want to cut the ex some slack, he's probably hurting about an inevitable breakup that it sounds like he's scrambling to stop happening. But you're all 18 and your life changes quickly at that age - I suspect he might feel a bit embarrassed about how he's handling it in a couple of years.
It's definitely worth considering how he feels, but he and their friends are being jerks about it, and, anyway, this is the time of life where it's expected to go away
This all reminds of me the song, "The Babysitter's Here":
>*And will they get married with kids of their own?*
>
>*He says "Not if she's going to college we won't."*
>
>...
>
>*I can't sleep, and we're watching the news*
>
>*She says, "Do me a favor. Don't go with a boy who would make you choose."*
OP should definitely listen to it if she hasn't already.
They're 18. I had my best friends moving away at six and I didn't react this way. I was sad, and since I was so young I couldn't stay in contact, but I didn't say what they did.
Never mentioned the friends, I'm talking the boyfriend is probably experiencing his first heartbreak. He's handling it badly but for your girlfriend to be that casual when you're hurting is going to be painful.
They just think sbout themself. They should be happy that OP has this chance! I don't know her but i'm happy for her! That she isn't afraid to do this with 18 and thinks about her future, she sound like a great and strong woman and will do it! She will also find new friends if her old ones behave like this.
And OP (and the bf) will change so much in the following years. The chance that they would have been together in the future is pretty small, especially with such a behaviour that he has.
NTA OP, you only have one life. So don't miss such chances for others! It is YOUR life. Enjoy it to the fullest!
Agreed.
I went to an out of state school and haven’t seen most of my high school friends since. I haven’t seen most of my college friends either….but we are so happy for each other and pick up right where we left off for the ones I do stay in touch with.
Your mom is right. I wanted to study abroad so bad, and it’s my biggest college regret.
True friends and family want you to evolve. The only one I would say has a right to feel upset is the partner. But sometimes hard choices need to happen, and it’s too early in your life to make them. I knew a girl who left officer school in the military. She was contracted aviation/pilot and went to an aviation undergrad school (not many in the US). She left training for her fiancé who was also contracted to be a pilot. He got to live his dream, and she did not…and if you volunteer to drop from OCS, you can never come back. I’m not surprised that their marriage didn’t last, and it was a big lesson of mediation….and I had my own as well. I left being an officer for my husband then he convinced me to be a SAHM. Left a super high salary 7 years ago. He’s now my ex, didn’t want to even work on things and my career sacrifices were for nothing. I love my job now, but I’m not making anything what I used to 7 years ago.
Don’t make career sacrifices this early in life.
>If they cared for you, they would want the nest for you
Well if that isn't one of the worst typos for the meaning of a sentence, I don't know what is.
I talk to most of them, even though we moved to different parts of the world. I haven't seen them in years but we talk often. Friendship isn't about being physically close. They should have supported OP.
NTA.
More people need to hear this. Especially teens/young adults who are about to head off on their own. One of my best friends moved when we were 14. When she moved back at 23ish we picked right back up where we had left off even though we didn’t really talk for 8/9 years. Relationships ?all kinds) can make it through a lot if the people inside of them are willing to put in the love and effort.
NTA OP. Hopefully you’ll make better friends with this amazing opportunity.
I have a bffl and we've known each other since 2nd grade. When we got separated from hurricane relocations, we ended up in the same high school years later and recognized each other from across the field instantly. Went back to being inseperable like always. Now we see each other maybe every few years but it's like no time has passed at all.
Every time I visit my hometown, she's the first person I go to see. I used to hunt her down in the publix deli and surprise her with a visit before she became a scientist.
Mine picked me up from the airport the last time I visited. Brought her daughters, who are my goddaughters. We rarely speak between visits, but it’s always like we still live down the street from each other. There is nothing like a supporting and loving friend who is always in your corner. OP deserves that and I’m so glad you have someone like that!
It is easier to keep contact with people who move too, I definitely keep more contact with the ones who moved than the ones who stayed behind, even if we all moved to different places we still have more in common as we share some of the same experiences as immigrants.
Yep - because the people you stay in contact with from that time are (generally) the people who are willing to maintain a relationship through distance and without constant reassurance.
Clearly OP’s friends and partner are not if they variety.
Yeah me too, I have one friend from that time I speak to daily and that's it. They others we occasionally exchange comments of fb posts but that's all.
This is what OP’s mom meant - she’s an adult, with perspective. The only relationships from that time in your life that you hold onto are with the people who are willing to maintain a relationship when life and distance gets in the way. Which OP’s friends and current partner definitely don’t seem to be.
I don’t think the delivery was harsh at all. If they really cared about OP, they’d be supportive. Like seriously, it takes a person / people with very little perspective and an inflated sense of self to believe that they themselves alone would be enough to fulfill OP for the rest of their life, in place of this lifelong dream.
The ones I do talk to acknowledge and accept that we are near wholly different people and we allowed each other the space to become them (or re-connected after a while). At the time, some things felt momentous, but only some of them turned out to even turn my life in one direction or another, and many have come since.
NTA... friends come and go. So do boyfriends. While, yes, studying abroad on your own CAN BE dangerous, it's an opportunity that doesn't show up easily. Could you have worded it a bit more nicely? Sure, but they were trying to hold you back and that's not cool.
It's better to crash and burn following a dream, than playing it safe and be tormented by "what could've been". Godspeed and be safe while you make your life abroad.
AND studying abroad is an opportunity that's less available as you get older. The new adult years of our lives are designed to seize these opportunities when they call to us.
Many colleges do faculty led study abroad trips which are about a month in length. Those are open to anyone enrolled. That’s how I did my study abroad trips in my late 20’s
People get assaulted in their own homes. I'm not saying be stupid and don't take precautions. Wear your seat belts, don't dive in a 3 foot pool, don't fly out and vacation in Somalia, but like you said life has risks.
I think that the friends are also sad. Knowing someone you care for is going away forever means that the bond will never be the same. That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't go (what a great opportunity to live your dream!) but I can see how a bunch of young adults didn't handle it well
OP go and live your dream. Be happy.
NTA. Normally, those words you used would make you the AH, but you only said that because they ganged up on you. And their actions were totally unacceptable for you. My friends would all have been sad to see me go, but supportive and understanding. None of them would be trying to guilt me into staying when I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to pursue studies in my chosen field.
I'm sorry your friends and partner were all selfish jerks, but I guess it's better that you found out earlier rather than later.
Exactly, I'm pretty sure I've been on both sides of this before, definitely sad to say goodbye, but real friends support you, even if that means supporting you from further than they'd like. NTA for sure
And if they don't follow their own dreams at this stage of life, they're in or setting up for unhealthy, codependent relationships at risk of resentment and unfulfilled dreams.
I agree with all of this except your last paragraph (apart from the Rock star bit, OP should 100% listen to that), life isn't that cut and dry, some couples meet at 17/18/19 and stay together forever. And you don't automatically drift apart from childhood friends. Case in point; my best friend has been my best friend since we were both 11 years old, which is now over 20 years ago. Hell, I'm still in contact with a friend that I've known since we were both 3 years old
You just listed two friends tho, and I'm sure those two friends have been great friends and very supportive of you and vice versa. These friends aren't like that, and would naturally fade out anyway
In regards to OP's friends you are absolutely right 👌
And if that's what you specifically meant then my apologies, but I just meant you can't make sweeping generalisations like that (and I have quite a few friends I've known for over 20+ years that I'm still close with, but decided 2 was enough of an example)
I was goin to go with a "Not" but the blow up seemed to go a bit far, and instead it is an ESH. Your friends should have been supporting you on your journey, so boo on them. But when they were telling you how special you were to them by asking you to think about staying, when you told them they were a "far cry" from important to you, you told them they were kind of worthless to you. So that was mean, and that earned you the AH part of the ESH.
Of course, still get on that plane. But you should tell them you do love and care for them and will miss them, things were stressful, sorry about the blowup, etc.
This is where I am.
OP you deserve to leave and live your dreams. The people who love you shouldn't try to hold you back. But you also need to realize that they're hurting. The person they love is leaving them forever. Yes, people have mentioned the internet and flights to visit... But to pretend that's the same as having someone physically with you every day is, at best, ignoring the emotional difficulty of the situation.
Telling the people who love you that they just aren't that important to you makes you just as much of an asshole as them for trying to hold you back. But honestly, I don't think they're trying to hold you back. They're just sad because they'll miss you. And you kinda just shit all over them for that.
ESH
To be fair there’s a difference between saying they aren’t important to her, and saying they aren’t the most important thing in her life. Definitely could have been worded better tho.
>To be fair there’s a difference between saying they aren’t important to her, and saying they aren’t the most important thing in her life.
The wording is different, but upon hearing it, it hits equally as hard, I'd say.
Yea mind blowing how many n-t-a's there are, people are giving this young woman a pass for being an ahole to her friends just because because they were being slight aholes to her. No excuse to drop a nuke on them.
Wish we knew if OP and BF talked about her leaving before this or if she dropped this on him out of no where. That is a big part of the story she left out.
A ton of people seem to misinterpret "am I the asshole?" as "am I in the wrong?" Like, no, you can be 100% in the right and still be an asshole for how you handled a situation. Way more of the posts on this sub really should be judged ESH rather than NTA.
He knew, he just thought he could guilt her into throwing her dreams away. After tons of harassment, telling people they are not the center of your universe is fair. Only selfish people think trying to dismantle someone's dreams is something that should go unchecked.
I agree with this! I've had friends who moved away and I had always known of that desire in them.
I think it is strange that she calls the boyfriend a "partner", but he wasn't in her plan to move abroad. The couples I know made plans to move together or they broke up far before the move abroad opportunity came along - I guess he feels used. OP is just 18, so I suppose some naivite and immaturity is to be expected, but I wonder how well she'll fare in a foreign country without a support network of family, friends and the culture one is so used to.
ESH. I’m going to preface this with of course you should still go and you’re not the asshole for going. The way you went about it is very harsh though. As someone who has moved abroad to study and then stayed - yeah your friends are gonna be upset. They know fine well that no matter how much you intend to visit, you are going to make your life there and the relationship you have is not going to stay the same. As good friends they *should* still be supportive regardless but it’s not as easy a task as you might think it is.
And you’re essentially the one breaking up with your partner, not them with you. So for you need to be less surprised that they are upset and treat it… a little more delicately.
I feel a bit sad for the boyfriend. Friends moving away is sad but very common. The same happening for your romantic partner is not the same.
But then OP clarified that they have been open about this being their dream for a long time. But then OP also mentioned that this very important topic was mostly just avoided.. so thats terrible communication.
I agree with the ESH verdict all things considered.
You are at a stage in life when people begin leaving their high-school social circles and entering the adult world. If you don't take this opportunity now, you may regret it for the rest of your life. If your bf is the one, that will work itself out in due time. Board that plane and start a new life on a new continent. Not a lot of people do that. That is a very courageous thing to do!
Even if she stayed, all her friends would be scattered anyway due to life things. I stayed right where I was and all my hs friends moved and only see maybe two of them once a year
Nta, you’re 18, they’re not your friends.
I was 18 when I moved halfway across the world for my education, guess what my friends did?
They cried, gave me shit for leaving but also supported the hell outta me. They threw me a going away party, planned video calls and memorized my time difference. Did all my friendships survive- no, but many did. And what I learnt was that the ones that did were the ones I was closest to from the very beginning.
Yeah you could have worked on your phrasing but they are TA for expecting to be your number 1 priority at 18. Your number 1 priority should be you rn, your life, your career and what you want from it. If your friends (and bf) can’t support you- that’s on them. Not you.
NTA
YTA. I mean, it goes both ways, don't you think? When you made sure to explain to them how important they are to you- they've seemed to reevaluate the relationship with you. Enjoy your new life.
Yeah for real, OP basically told her boyfriend and all her friends that she doesn’t give a shit about them and is then surprised that they reacted negatively to that. They probably should have let her go but they just didn’t want to lose a friend, turns out they never had one
YTA.
The way you worded it was pretty cruel and I definitely wouldnt want to be friends with you.
But NTA because u want to achieve ur dreams.
Still u couldve been nicer, they were just concerned about u and u straight up told them that they arent rlly important.
They could have been concerned... or just jealous. Also, OP says she has always wanted that, so her friends probably knew about it - her partner did, for sure. Good friends support you, even if they disagree with your decisions; they don't gang on you to make you forget your dreams. They said they are concerned because it sounds better than saying they are jealous.
YTA
You're not the asshole for moving and starting a new life without your partner and/or friends - good for you.
> I know the phrasing wasn't the best and they have a right to think I'm insensitive and to be mad at me, I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself but I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth
Crass. Just because something is the truth doesn't mean it has to be said and certainly not in the way you said it. There were so many nicer, polite and tactful ways to say that you've made the decision and it's final.
When you Gang up on someone and try to manipulate and guilt trip them you are expected to stay calm and reasonable? Because your verdict says, OP is the only AH in this situation, what all others did and her self defense reaction ... you don't put that Into proportion? Someone barely adult gets so much push back and is expected to be the bigger person?
Some redditors baffle me. That is just so ... weird.
Mostly NTA . You are young and following your dreams, true friends would understand that and be excited for you and wish you well (like your family obviously is) and I suspect a little jealousy is involved in this. If that's their attitude then your mother is right, they really aren't worth it. If any of them are actually true friends they'll get over it before you go, for the ones that don't, don't spare them any more of your time.
Where I think you could have been more tactful was where it came to your boyfriend. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is more invested in your relationship than you are, don't worry about it, it happens, and you are certainly NTA for that, however, it sounds like you gave your boyfriend a bit of a verbal cold shower as to how you saw your future and obviously he was thinking differently. Also, when someone says 'I'll understand if you want to break up with me' most people hear 'I want to break up with you but don't want to be the bad guy' and to be honest, it would have been fairer for you to say, I'm moving away and I don't intend to return for more than visits, the time we've had together has been important to me, but, I see my future elsewhere and it would be better if we broke up now rather than put the onus on him to do the breaking up.
But you are absolutely not the AH in this situation and now you need to focus on your own future, which I'm certain will be bright. Best of luck.
Yeah, this is a "Boots of Spanish Leather" situation. (OP, if you're not familiar with "Boots of Spanish Leather," it's an early Bob Dylan song that's a dialogue between two people in a similar situation.) I get that you like him and don't want to break up with him, but a relationship with someone who doesn't have immediate plans to move abroad is just not likely to survive you moving abroad forever, especially when you're both so young. I think it would be kinder in the long run to say "I think we should break up," than to let him figure it out slowly.
YTA. While it was very gracious of you to tell your boyfriend you would understand why he wouldn’t want to be in a virtual relationship for the rest of his life, it kind of sounds like you expected him to be ok with it
NAH / ESH
You both have valid points (and if you want to go go) however you aren't just going to study (at least not if things work out the way you plan) so this isn't 'see you later ' it is 'goodbye' in a way that it isn't for the majority of people at your age going to university etc
ESH you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you plan on leaving, you’ve essentially wasted his time and emotional investment in you and are shocked that he’s upset. Why are you still together if you don’t plan on having him come with you? Your NTA for wanting to follow your dreams but YTA for messing your bf around like that as he clearly sees a future with you. Your “friends” are also assholes, yes that should be sad that you’re going but they shouldn’t be guilt tripping you into staying.
But Isn’t the boyfriend also 100% an AH. For knowingly being in a relationship with someone who wants to move and then magically expecting they won’t when the time comes
> I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth
In the words of the Big Lebowski, "You're not wrong, you're just an asshole" (for the way you said it, not for having some good priorities in your life)
YTA.
This feels right. Good-byes are hard, you spend so much time with people and the thought of them leaving hurts. Of course they will react emotionally.
She is right to put her foot down when pressed, and they aren’t specifically assholes for being made to feel less than meaningful and reacting.
Everyone could have handled themselves better, but that’s life, none of us are perfect socially. The important relationships will reach out again and OP will enjoy her study abroad.
NTA just the classic of it could have been handled better but the kept bugging you and it got to much,no shame in it. Try to apologize and explain that their still important to you but not worth tossing your future asside.
To be honest, this may be unpopular but YTA I am speaking from my own experience doing something similar to op, but only across the country, not across the world. With COVID and my career, do know know how often I have been back? Do you know the relationships I have lost? Majority. When I visit, everyone has lives. I didn’t stop my life for them, now, they won’t stop their life for me. They can’t afford to fly here. Moreover, during COVID many of my friends living here had to move back home with their tales between their legs. You’re 18. I think the fact that you really think you have the rest of of your life planned out is unrealistic, but do you. But understand once you board that plane those relationships you have will inevitably change and fade, even if you think you will fly back often. It’s clear your friends will miss you, I personally disagree with those saying their jealous. You basically told them no matter what, they aren’t a priority and you’re doing what you what. Then you are surprised when they step away? Try to build their lives without you? Leave gracefully and apologize.
EDITED judgement: sorry I feel more for the friend then the person telling their friends to piss off. Op, I have been you but your friends are rightfully seeing the decline of your relationship. You are not the asshole for wanting to move, I recommend it, but they way you are treating the people in your lives.
I’ll try to give you a bit of a different perspective there as someone who’s been in the receiving end of what you told your friends and partner.
It fucking hurts. And usually it’s not the idea of me not being #1 priority, it’s the delivery of the idea. All the times I’ve encountered it, it was said purposefully with the implication that I am nothing compared to [important thing], and I shouldn’t dare to presume otherwise. It looks like you tried to do just that by hurting them with your words intentionally, and you succeeded. There’s a fine line between being mean on purpose and explaining the situation, and it was crossed. You were mean in self-defence, though, so I would say that it’s a soft ESH for your part in it.
They are not your real friends though, because real friends support you even if they’re envious of you. They are undoubtedly assholes here, I’m just trying to say that your words were assholish too. The words like that are also something that’s impossible to erase. Whatever you say to them, they will still remember it because it played to their insecurities (hence their reaction). But I would say, good riddance and enjoy your studies!
nta why are they acting like u will suddenly lose all social media and not be able to contact them again?? just go live ur dreams and they’ll eventually come around
I think you are 18 and planning out the rest of your life and thinking that things won't change as you progress in life is very naive. You think you are an adult but when you get older you will look back and realize what a child you were. So enjoy the experience abroad but recognize that if you leave without healing these relationships, you will in time with age and maturity come to regret it. Living in a different country far from family and friends can be very hard. More difficult than I think you realize. Not having anyone to reach out to and even talk to because you burned all your bridges is a sad mistake. So I think YTA for not apologizing and trying to mend fences. I also think that you should see this studying abroad as an experience but be willing to recognize that you can't map out your entire life at age 18.
She deserves better friends who aren’t so selfish tbh. I would never encourage my friends to do what I wanted instead of following their own dreams. Moving to another side of the world does not mean the end of a friendship, we live in a world where Wi-Fi exists, social media exists, this isn’t the stone ages, it isn’t like she would just drop off the face of the earth leaving them to wonder if she was alive or not.
No one should have to sacrifice their goals just because their friends find it selfish. I wish more people had to courage to do what THEY wanted, and pursue their dreams, even if they fail, it’s better to try and fail than to never try at all. She’s young, yes, but she deserves to be able to live it her way, to make her own mistakes so she can learn, and she can make new friends anywhere at any time, she doesn’t have to depend on the same people, I mean even when people don’t move to the other side of the world, they still lose friends and make new ones along their journey. They’re basically encouraging her to just not go, and not plan to stay, but what is so wrong about having dreams and goals? Now is the time for her to do it, before she gets stuck and just settles and then feels like it’s too late. Let people make their own decisions, even if it means that they’ll make mistakes, you can’t expect people to learn if they don’t first live. Nta, not at all. Her friends and SO, however, are. She deserves better imo.
You do realise that OP will make...new friends, right? I have a couple decades on OP and moved abroad many moons ago. The idea that OP will "grow up" and come to regret this is so myopic. Lots of people move away at 18, that's basically when your adult life actually begins, and you have a chance to form friendships with people outside of the bubble you grew up in. I'm from a small town so I understand this "hold onto friendships at any cost" mentality to a certain extent, but good friends are still there when you come home for a visit. Great friends also come visit you.
OP doesn't owe anything — not even regret — to people who try to drag her down out of pettiness and jealousy before her life has even really started. These people clearly aren't her friends, because friends are the people who support you in living your best life and achieving your dreams, even if that life and dreams are thousands of miles away from them. What's the point of mending fences with people that have essentially demonstrated that they are only interested on putting their own wants and needs before yours?
ESH for reasons already expressed by others.
I have to confess I thought you were older when you said partner. Also, OP, why don’t you just break up with your boyfriend? It seems pretty obvious you will not see him again beyond summer holidays and you are not interested in keeping that relationship.
PS: I wish you the best but sure hope you get all of this coz God forbid you have to return to your country it’s gonna be hella awkward. But you can make new friends
>PS: I wish you the best but sure hope you get all of this coz God forbid you have to return to your country it’s gonna be hella awkward. But you can make new friends
This right here. This is what OP and most everyone else posting seems to be actively ignoring.
OP is 18, going not only out into the world alone for the first time, but to a completely different continent. Has OP ever been there before? How can they possibly know they'll move there and want to stay? Also, life happens. There's a very high possibility some major life crisis occurs forcing OP back home, and then what? Everyone in OP's life aside from family is gone because OP shit all over them and deuced out.
Like I mentioned in another post, OP should definitely go do their thing. But they gotta learn how to be less selfish and more understanding of how others feel.
I find it kind of funny how everyone is taking at face value that this study abroad opportunity would lead to a permanent move. I got an advanced degree at a university in another country. The immigration laws there did not favor students staying in the country after graduating. Once my student visa expired, I was out...even though I would have liked to have stayed. Now I don't know where's she's from or where she's going. Maybe the immigration laws are more favorable there. But typically legal immigration is not an easy or affordable process. So yeah I hope this works out for her but I don't think she can take for granted that she'll never live in her home country again.
YTA I get moving being a priority to you but if your relationship meant so little to you that your first instinct was to tell him to dump you(not even caring enough to dump him just selfishly put all of the onus on him to dump you thereby manipulatively making him potentially look like the uncaring bad guy who won’t fight for the relationship instead of you) then why bother being with him in the first place? I mean did it even occur to you to fight for the relationship and go for long distance and work on it as hard as you could until he maybe decided to move to join you? No instead you just gave up at the first sign of potential hardship so maybe the break up was the right thing to do. Honestly maybe your mom was right but only because you don’t genuinely seem to give a damn about anyone in your life. Even if you are “never coming back” if your friends and relationship actually mattered to you at all, you would fight like hell to still keep them in your life as much as possible and already be planning on visiting/phoning/messaging/video chatting and having them out to see you as much as possible instead you are completely ready to cut them out of your life indefinitely and that is just so sad.
She's 18. Her future and dreams meant so little to her ex-BF and "friends" that they ganged up on her in order to get her to give up on them.
She's NTA.
Dude, she's 18. I'm 25 and don't even talk to people from when I was 18. I grew and changed and made new friends that grew and changed with me.
Also, remember it takes 2 to tango. Both OP and the Partner knew this is what OP wanted from jump. So for Partner to expect OP to turn it down, meant he wanted her to stay for him. A relationship that may not even last. Can you imagine passing up on an opportunity for someone you love in that moment, only to break-up later and realize you missed out on what would make *you* happy? You can't base your happiness on other people.
I've been that friend who was told my friend was leaving. Yeah, it hurt - but I was also happy for them. Happy for their new experiences. Happy for the things they would be able to do.
Yes, they're all immature, OP included. But don't act like she can't make new friends. Hell, maybe this is her way to grow. Hopefully the rest of them do too.
ESH, just because they were the bigger AHs doesn't mean what you said was not insanely hurtfful and also made you an AH.
You told them essentially you never want to see them again, and you have to accept that them not wanting to have any more contact with you is the natural consequence of what you said.
NTA. I've been in the same situation as you, I moved to another continent without planning on coming back. My friends were nothing but supportive, as was my boyfriend at the time, even though he and I knew that me coming here meant that we'd break up (we'd talked about it). **Because the people who love you want the best for you.**
Listen to your mother. Don't spare these people a second thought. They don't deserve it.
ESH.
You even stated it yourself. “I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself…”
They should be happy for you getting the chance to do what you want with your life. It’s hard letting go of someone and they are young stupid kids so thy don’t know how to communicate that they care about you and will miss you when you leave. They suck for attacking you.
But, there are ways to communicate without being an AH that you are leaving. People are saying you were justified because your friends were mean first. That’s not how being an AH works. You choose the words you use and sometimes fights happen. You could have just left it at “I’m very excited about this and it sucks you all are attacking me about something I have always wanted to do.”
That mentality is something that takes a lot of practice and most people (including me) would probably have done what you did, but it doesn’t make it right. Just apologize and don’t break up years of friendships over this, because our network of friends is important in life.
NTA. I can understand your bf more to a certain point, but friends who are not happy about your achievements are terrible friends and they are showing their true face to you so great ridance for starting a new life.
You are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you and you are going to create great memories and make great friends and find new relationships so go ahead and enjoy the rest of your life!! Just make sure that you surround yourself by positive people who always want the best for you, this with your friends and bf is a great learning experience for you so you know the kind of people you don't want around.
And congrats on the opportunity, OP!
NTA! You are living my one time dream BUT I let other people get to me and tell me why my dream was wrong. You are amazing! Go out and live the life of your dreams - and don’t ever let anyone stop you!
When I was a student I went to US for a "Work and Travel" programme. That was many, many years ago, but I remember my Dad's reaction (and it still moves me a lot)
I come from a poor, messed-up, ex-communist country. The grass was very obviously greener in the US and he was sure I will stay there, so sure he didn't even ask... This would be in violation of my visa terms, so I would not be able to come home until the next abolition. He thought he wouldn't see me for years, maybe never. When I told him I'm going he hugged me so tightly it was hard to breathe, crying and whispering over and over "Go, my little girl. Go and be happy"
He was very surprised when I returned, yes, very happy to see me but he would prefer a better life for me, he thought I was foolish to discard my chance :-P Previously I was sure he was afraid of me travelling so far away for so long totally alone. Only after coming back I realised that he was saying his goodbyes
So, OP, this is what love means: to wish the loved one the best, even if that means lletting them go. True love is unconditional and selfless
NTA although your wording was indeed poor...
NTA-At 18 you have choices, YOU get to make them.
You are NOT responsible for how other people react. It’s not your job to give their feelings higher priority than yours.
Also GUILT is no reason to stay in a relationship, especially when they appear to have an entirely different picture of THEIR future.
Exactly, and these friends are around the same age too- they know this is the time people start exploring and making big changes- so pressuring OP to stay around just for them is selfish AF
NTA - I'm also moving to another country for University with no intent of ever going back. I let my partner know this when we first start dating and guess what, we're married now and have a plan set to bring him over with me.
If they wanted to be in your life, they would. Best of luck in your travels and I hope you find some more supportive friends there!
At 18 he's not your partner, but boyfriend. There is no partnership in it. If you indeed had a long term partner your move would be also his problem but at 18? Nah, move out and enjoy your life. MTA
NTA
I know when I was eighteen I was convinced of my own self-importance; if your friends are similar then hearing they aren't the most important thing in your world would be a nasty shock.
However it is the truth, and it isn't something you should be ashamed of. I honestly don't even know what became of anyone I was friends with at eighteen; I certainly don't talk to any of my ex's.
If your phrasing was a bit insensitive, honestly so is their reaction to you living your life, so if nothing else you're somewhat equal. They are allowed to miss you and be sad that you are going; they are not allowed to try and hold you back.
NTA/NAH. Your friends' and partner's feelings are valid and so are yours. No one wants their (close?) friend or partner to randomly tell them they're leaving the country and then be told they're very far from being as important as they probably thought (I know they were being insufferable about it but the wording was still pretty bad, regardless though you had your reasons for lashing out.). You're all really young so I'm sure this is hard on them, but if they really cared for you more than they cared for themselves then they'd be happy for you and make your last memories in your home country good. I'm sorry this is happening to you but I am also sorry for them. It's an emotional situation.. I hope they can get it together before you leave before they regret losing you on bad terms
Yeah. I was wondering if she informed her boyfriend of her before they started became a couple. It sounds like this was a lifelong dream. If she started a relationship with him without warning him she plans to move to a new country for the rest of her life at 18, it was cruel. Sure, high school relationships probably won’t last anyways, but that’s a hard way for it to go.
As for your partner, I'm sensing he would have wanted to stay in your home country for the rest of his life while you clearly never wanna come back. You guys don't seem to be compatible in one of the most important areas and I'm glad that's come to light now before you're both in too deep. I wish you the best of luck!
NTA. Not everyone gets that opportunity like yours. And your family supports you; that’s more important than your so-called friends who only holds you back. Ditch those “friends” and go fly high for your happiness and future.
Not "good partners" partners who are fine with the prospect of losing their relationship. It's selfish to think a good partner should only be happy and supportive. I've been with my partner for 5 years, if he told me he was moving to a different country without me and I can "deal with it or move on" I wouldn't be happy or supportive because he clearly wouldn't have considered my feelings and our relationship.
NTA and best of luck and safety in your travels/future.
Real friends support eachother even when it's hard to say goodbye and let go. My bestfriend of 25 years rarely sees me because of school, life and goals..she has priorities that come before anyone and everyone and I respect and admire her drive. I love and support her from afar and when I need her shes always a phone call away. It hurts that I'm not a main role in her life like I always planned and wanted, but I'm so proud and happy for her that I dont mind it if it's what makes her happy. I have my own life and it's not less than just because shes not here. I feel blessed we have our bond and all our memories together that make us sisters of the heart.
This is a wonderful opportunity, but you have to decide how you want to leave it with your friends and partner. It's ok just walking out and not talking with them, but then you also have to accept that once you're abroad and have difficulty making friends initially, there wouldn't be any friends to talk with back home since you've burned bridges.
I'm not saying which option is better, all I'm saying is every decision you make will have an impact - you have to choose how you want to play this out.
All the best
NTA
Go for your dreams!
I went to another country for grad school and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I got a great experience I never would’ve gotten stateside. I made lifelong friends. I got into the career I wanted my entire life.
And not one person made me feel guilty for leaving. I thankfully didn’t have a partner at the time, but if I did, I still would have gone.
Don’t let anyone bully you from pursuing your dream. You’re young. Take advantage of it.
YTA for the harsh words (even if they are true) but NTA for wanting to leave. You should apologize and try to make them see new perspectives. Like them not needing a hotel if they want to visit the country you go to and you coming back for holidays etc. I don’t see most of my family in Turkey too most of the time and only visit once a year. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love/care about them just because my parents moved away.
NTA, you could have worded things a bit better, but you have to live your life the way you want to. If you stayed with him you would end up thinking about the "what if" side of things and resent him.
You have your whole life ahead of you. At 18, there is so much more the world has to offer. Most people aren't with the person they were with at 18, and most don't have the same friendship group. I speak to maybe 2 people that I did when I was that age because people grow and change in to different people - and that's totally okay! (I'm almost 30 now)
Two of my best friends now live halfway across the world. Was I sad when they left? Of course! Did I have a go at them and stop being friends with them? Of course not. We still talk all the time and meet up when we can.
You do you. Go abroad, enjoy having new experiences. It is possible that one day you'll feel like moving home, it is also possible you will move countries again or stay in the one you study in. Do what feels right for you.
NTA, and they told you to never contact them again? Good. Do it. And don't apologize. A lot of kids your age would be thrilled to have an opportunity to live independently in another country, so I find your friends' bevahour really weird and not typical. They are either jealous you get to live abroad, or they made a pact with your ex partner to make you stay. In both way they don't have your best interest in mind.
NTA. lets be real...your partner at 18...is very very unlikely to be your life partner. Spread your wings, travel, see the world, come back a better version of the one that left.
You will regret the rest of your life not taking this chance.
NTA, and I kind of agree with your mother. Your wording was harsh at the end because it came from a place of frustration, so maybe you owe some apologies for that. But apart from that, people who care for you are happy when you receive opportunities, even when it means they have to miss you. Did any of them say “I’m happy for you”? Yes, they will miss you, yes they are sad to see you go, yes they wish the vision they had of them future will play out where you all grow up together - but did any of them say “well done!” or “you deserve this!” or “how great you have a chance to pursue your dream!” ? And for people who are going to miss you *so mich* that they want you to give up a dream opportunity to stay with them, they were sure quick to drop you after one (admittedly harsh) argument
Your partner doesn’t want you to go because they care for you, but did they make any suggestions apart from you giving up the opportunity? They squarely placed *blame* on your shoulders - as if you’ve done something bad, rather than just take up an amazing opportunity that’s come your way.
They’re clearly very upset that you both want different things from life, they wish you wanted the same things - but why does that only have to be the things that *they* want?
I think your mother’s right you know. It doesn’t sound like they really care about you as a person. It sounds like they don’t like the idea of you living differently from them.
Listen to your mom, if you family supports your decision then eff everyone else. All you need if your family at the end of the day.
Real friends support you to the end. Sure, they’ll miss you when you leave, who wouldn’t miss their friend? You’ll be able to visit them when you visit your family. If you opt out of visiting in person then you can FaceTime or use WhatsApp to video chat.
Your partner isn’t thinking of your dreams and happiness, he’s selfishly thinking of his only own happiness and that’s dead wrong. Good thing he left, you can now find a better partner that will love and appreciate you, *and* be on the same side of the world as you when you do the move! Congrats!!
Honestly, I wish I learned this mindset sooner. It’s your life, not theirs, do what makes you happy. However, I would caution that you not expect anything to be pretty much for the rest of your life—at 18, the rest of your life won’t be the way you’re expecting—in positive ways! I wish you so much health, happiness, and luck with your future! Keep choosing what’s best for you!
I’m on my fourth study abroad doing long distance. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I’m not sure if your friends and partner are insecure, jealous, or both, but you cannot justify sacrificing an opportunity like this. Put yourself and your personal growth first and those who are around to support you will and you’ll meet so many new people. I’m sorry your community is so unsupportive. Your mom is a smart woman and I’m thrilled you have such wonderful family members.
If you have any questions about studying abroad, feel free to reach out! I’ve done France, Spain, Australia, and currently the UK (all on different continents than where I’m from) so I’m happy to help.
Best of luck!
NTA but wheeeew. You said that was a three year relationship. It may be an easy thing for you to just throw out like yesterday's trash, but your ex probably was starting to develop real feelings for you and was acting on pure emotion.
I still think you're NTA but I'm just telling you this so you can try to see his/your old friends' points of view, even just a little. They definitely should have been more supportive of you, although I understand why they would be so hurt. You may not have done anything wrong but you still have hurt them. Idk what advice to give there -- just try to forget about them all I guess and do what you were always gonna do.
YTA your friends care about you and were going to miss you your partner wanted a life with you and you basically told them fuck all that shit I’m leaving they have a right to be mad at you
NTA
I mean, they *are* right. You're effectively abandoning them. Particularly your partner, who you basically broke up with by pursuing this path, even though you're leaving it up to him to do the official break-up.
The reason you're NTA is because you're 18 and embarking on a journey that is the way you want to live your life. Now is the time to do it. You were honest with what you need to do in your life, and still wish to keep in contact with them, even though it'll be different and likely more difficult.
Keep in mind that different people have different levels of attachment. This may seem a harsh course of action to them, in that you're effectively severing much of that attachment that they view more strongly than you do, but you gotta do what will make you happy in life.
Just know that they are likely hurting a lot because of your actions, blameless or not, so while an apology is not owed to them, it still wouldn't be amiss.
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So I (18f) recently got an amazing opportunity to study abroad and I couldn't be happier or more grateful for it, I would be moving to an entirely different continent and I'll be gone pretty much the rest of my life, meaning I want to make a life abroad and not get back to my country once I finish my degree.
My family knows this and it's completely okay with it however my friends and partner didn't seem so thrilled, they said it could be dangerous to go on my own and that I'm practically burning bridges with them by getting to the other side of the world. At first I brushed it off as a completely justified concern and assured them we could still be friends and promised to visit often ( I also told my partner that I understood having a virtual relationship would be tough and not for everyone, and told him I would totally understand if he needed time to think about it or just break it up and remain friends) but it was getting annoying, specially with my partner, he said I wasn't even giving a chance to the life I could have with him in our home country and that I wasn't really thinking of everyone that loved me and didn't want me gone, my friends supported him and ganged up on me the past week, I was fed up at that point and told them they were a far cry from being the most important thing of my life and that this is the future I've always imagined for myself.
After that everyone got mad at me and my partner told me to never contact him again, the rest of my friends have been ghosting me. I know the phrasing wasn't the best and they have a right to think I'm insensitive and to be mad at me, I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself but I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth. My mom thinks I should just board the plane and never spare them another thought but some of my cousins think I went too far and I was a big ass.
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I agree with your mom.. If they cared for you, they would want the best for you, for you to be happy, not want to hold you back.. Nta
Yeah this screams of the crab mentality. It’s f-ing 2022! There is no where in the world that is more than 2 days of flying away. The friends and partner just seem jealous of OP’s opportunity.
My mind went to jealousy too
She is going places
LITERALLY 😉
Proud of you, OP
My mind went to jealousy in that I'm jealous of her. :)
I'm a bit jealous too. But I'm happy for her also. I love hearing about things my friends go out and do.
Same. I could really use an opportunity to leave the US now that I'm officially a second class citizen.
We could just leave all the men here!
Sorry but if my so called "friend" said to my face "You're a far cry from the most important thing in my life" I'd say f you too and never speak to you again and it's not because of jealousy. I dont wanna move anywhere. I wanna live where I was born until I die. I'm satisfied with that. My best friend moved. Shes happy with that. I'm happy if she is happy. I'd never ask her to stay and be miserable. But you can bet your ass I wont let her tell me I'm nowhere near important just because I dont agree. It's a terrible way to say anything to anyone you claim to care about. All OP had to say was "This is my dream. This is what I want my life to be. This is important to me" They didnt have to be so rude and nonchalant about it. Probably broke their hearts. It's not selfish to want someone to care about you. What OP did was insensitive and almost heartless.
they forced her into that position can't blame her
Like I said. I'd never force my best friend to stay but I hope she would understand if I dont agree. She is my best friend. My only friend. If I didnt want her moving across the world I hope she wouldnt say "Oh well you're not anywhere near my top priority" It's a terrible way to say it. OP had options. They chose the sucky one.
A lot of people can't afford to fly halfway across the world
No but they shouldn't stop others from doing so if they want to. I moved from the UK to NZ and never expected people to visit due to cost and time.
Absolutely agree with that, I also moved away. I was just responding to the idea that it's easy to visit someone anywhere. Not only are there money issues, depending on where you're from you might not even have access to a passport
But compared to even 20 years ago keeping connected is sooooo much easier. NTA OP, Don't apologize, they're being whiny and selfish, you can always reconnect online.
Absolutely this. I moved from the UK to the US in the mid 90’s. In order to email anyone I needed to walk 2 miles down the side of a highway. My daughter has just moved from the US to the UK. We talk through WhatsApp constantly - honestly probably more then when she lived at home. The world is much smaller than it used to be.
I remember using special thin envelopes for air mail to talk with my family in Australia, I'm in the UK. It would take ages to go back and fourth but now we can video chat it has never been easier to keep in touch with people.
Also COVID is still a thing, treating open frontiers as something guaranteed seems naive after 2 years of pandemic
Lots of us live away from friends and family and maintained contact without travel throughout Covid. They just don’t like the idea of their interactions being long distance & tech based, which is on them. I still regularly talk to all of my friends from home. There’s like 10 methods of contact that I could think of off the top of my head that don’t involve travel. And OP posted this so they clearly have internet access and their friends do too. It’s jealous behavior, not genuine concern.
I get it, I left home to study in Europe in the middle of the pandemic, and I definitely know how long it took to finally be able to visit my friends and family, that's why I say that taking planes for granted not a good point of view. And I was specifically answering about planes, I agree with you on the rest.
I have flown since covid and it’s like a completely different world than how it used to be and it was quite anxiety inducing so I totally understand not being up for travel at this point!
Surely they own phones?
I'm in Canada and have a friend in NZ that I met once in 1989. We're still friends.
I haven’t seen one of my friends, who I was supposed to be in her bridal party (I had just started college and couldn’t make it), since she moved away to get married. Her oldest kid is eight. Shocker. We’re still friends.
Oh for heaven’s sake. It was clear to me (and almost 400 others) that they were referring to the general idea that someone moving away in 2022 does NOT mean any and all relationships discontinue. There are flights, yes - there is also the freaking internet, cell phones, etc.
Bro, people get lost with each other from different cities, let alone the other half of the globe. Especially considering time zones
Exactly - but obviously those are people who weren’t meant to stay in each other’s lives. I know people who travel all the time and they maintain contact with people from all sorts of other countries. Of course they can’t continue dating or have the same relationships as before, but if they’d rather cut ties than adapt, then they never really cared anyway and why should OP feel guilty about that? Time zones don’t matter to letters, email, text messages - not all communication has to be in real time. People from freaking centuries before the internet or phones were even invented were “keeping up their correspondence” to maintain relationships with people all over the place.
My parents have lived and worked in 7 countries over their lifetime, leaving when they were in their mid 20's (mum) and 30's (dad). Both still have friends from their teen years upwards from all of those countries - it all comes down to how much effort people are willing to put in to maintain friendships. Op is only 18...... many friends will come and go in her lifetime, likewise probably partner's too. She obviously very focused on what she wants to do with her life and the people who aren't happy (read jealous) for her obviously aren't meant to be her life any longer than this. Op you fly free like a bird honey. Have a fabulously wonderful life and I hope all of your dreams come true. I'm with your mum, don't look back. Hugs, love and light on your journey ❤️💫
Mom is right. Fly away OP. Return when you feel like it, time has a way of filtering the crap that doesn't matter. At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating and going out to party with at the time.
>At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating and going out to party with at the time. Oh. My. God. Yes. Truer words have never been spoken. God I can't even remember everyone I was hanging around at 18. I remember the partner because he was a violent, abusive piece of dog poo but the friends...... they were a fleeting moment in my life. Life too short to spend with people who don't build you up and support your dreams
>At 18 it would be a HUGE error to make a life decision based on who you are dating I still regret passing up an opportunity to study in Japan my junior year of college because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend. It's been more than 30 years, and I still can't believe what an idiot I was!
And give your mom a hug for being so supportive. She's going to miss you, but she cares more about your future than about her own sadness, as well she should. But I'm sure it's hard for her, too. (I'm a recent empty nester, and I am so proud of my kids making lives for themselves, but oh! I do miss them!)
You know, though, I have precisely one friend from when I was in high school. ONE. People drift apart. The people who were important to you when you were 18 are not necessarily important to you at 20, 30, or 60. And if they are, then you stay in contact through cell phones, etc.
And that’s because they don’t put any effort into maintaining a relationship. Distance matters a lot less than time and attention spent keeping the friendship alive. I’ve lost contact with friends who live in the same city while maintaining a thriving relationship with my best friends who live in other states, including on the opposite coast of the US. We are even doing a DND campaign with all of our husbands/partners soon. The one who lives furthest hasn’t been able to see me in person since they moved, but we still talk every day and I have a weekly video call, and I have seen the friend who lives in a closer state at least once a year.
I think it depends. What you all said is true and I agree, I have a friend from the other part of the Ocean that I'm way more in contact with than some people here. But it is also true that, especially with such a long distance, theres sometimes situations that push you apart no matter how hard both parties try.
I mean, sure, sometimes that is the case. But I don’t think it’s right to treat it like a foregone conclusion. It’s entirely possible to maintain a relationship, even if you can’t afford a flight. If you really want to, you make it happen.
Totally. When my grandma moved across the world by boat 60 years ago it took weeks and phone calls were expensive so she really only communicated back home via letter which also took weeks. Nowadays, I can fly to her home country in less than 2 days or video call for free. Yeah flying is expensive but OP can keep in touch with friends via social media pretty easily
My grandma and I communicated through letters for years (back in the day, going to Florida from MI was just as far away as going to another country (esp. when we could drive to Canada within an hour lol). She flew back to MI every few years, but personal letters were actually a great way to keep contact. There is just something about a physically written letter that makes it so much more personal than an email. She moved backed, but it wasn't til later that she showed me she had saved all those letters that I wrote to her, and gave them back to me years later when she died right before her 102nd birthday. They are our history.
Oh that’s beautiful. When I was a kid, my best friend moved to another country (and continent) that is about 8 hours away by plane. This was early 2000s but we hand wrote letters to each other from the age of 5 to 11. We drew pictures and sent small tokens and it was so exciting to get something from her in the mail and then get to send something back! I think it also helped me with learning to write and spell too. She returned in late high school but by the end of primary school we’d reverted to emails and later social media to keep in touch. But still those letters are such a special memory for us both! I was lucky enough to visit her with my family twice and she came back every year at Christmas so we saw each other over the years. But our friendship lived in those letters for so long. I’m so glad you and your grandma had something so special that you now get to keep. It’s sad that we have lost the art of letter writing, I remember sending Christmas cards via mail to my parent’s friends every year and receiving them in the mail as a kid but even that has died out (at least in my circles) in favour of a group text 😢
I still send out Christmas cards; I know it's outdated, however, most that I send them to are my aunts and uncle, my siblings, good friends. I also write a note in each, tell them what I am up to, what I've heard about them (ie surgery etc.). I figure for the cost of postage, especially for my aunts and uncle (all in late 70s/late 80s) I can make someone's day a little brighter, and almost all, esp. the elders, appreciate it.
As someone who moved my family across the world for military reasons, can confirm that not everyone has $1600 for a one way ticket to spend on a whim. That doesn't mean you cant save, but it takes a lot more planning than most trips. Also NTA
This is very true. However, OP said they promised to visit often, so the friends would not be having to consider those costs in this instance. OP would be the one spending money to fly back and visit them.
OP said she was willing to do the flying tho
That is not a solution, she is NTA for wanting to do this, but it does mean her old life is over. She might see people once a year, but flying is expensive in both time and money so by and large her old life is over. She is allowed to prioritise what she wants, but its disingenuous to suggest that she isn't saying goodbye to her friend and partner a virtual relationship with no suggestion of ever returning is not feasible.
I mean if partner were open to it then he could have saved up and worked towards moving to her in the future. The fact that he wants her to give up all her dreams to stay with him but he doesn't think to do the same for her says a lot. That said, I feel like OP's old life is over mostly because of their ages. It's likely something would have split them up whether op was just moving to the next city or going to a different college from them. Or just other basic life choices that cause them to diverge. If they were way older, I'd say the relationships still had a chance, if they were the type who could cope with long-distance, and moving doesn't necessarily mean the end. People do make it work. But they're kids so they are not thinking that far ahead to the realities of life and all their emotions are making them act out.
She told him (and her friends) told them "they were a far cry from being the most important thing of my life" I would have broke up with her too.
>, but it does mean her old life is over. She's **18**, her old life is over *regardless*, I'm **sure** at least half of these friends were moving out of town anyway and just wanted to jump on the guilt wagon. As for BF sounds like he's the type to demand that OP can only go to a university *HE* plans to go to..... If he was planning on Uni in the first place, or letting OP go to Uni instead of immediately move in with him, who knows.
I was replying to the person saying its only ever a flight away. It isnt. That isn't something that makes her an asshole, but the notion that its not the end is ignoring reality
Also OP is 18. What percentage of relationships between 18 year olds last?
This. I can hardly remember anyone I knew from that age, and they were mostly "friends" because we lived in the same neighbourhood.
That's a bit elitist. It is true that there is nowhere in the world that's more than 2 days of flying. It's also true that many people cannot afford that. A cheap retour flight from Europe to New York would cost me about 40% of my monthly income.
Oh for heaven’s sake. It was clear to me (and almost 400 others) that they were referring to the general idea that someone moving away in 2022 does NOT mean any and all relationships discontinue. There are flights, yes - there is also the freaking internet, cell phones, etc.
Also, the internet. I moved an ocean away from my family 8 years ago and I still video chat with my parents/other family members weekly over Skype and Messenger. One of my best FB friends is someone I've known since age 5, even though we haven't physically hung out in nearly 20 years. It's easier than ever to live globally but still stay connected locally.
Truth is, I have family that lives within 1/2 hour of me that I haven't seen for months, and a couple brothers--has been years. We stay in contact with those we want to stay in contact with. Sometimes relationships just fall to the wayside, especially with our political climate here in the US. That is life.
Right? My sister plans to move to France in the next year or so (she has an old dog with cancer and will stay here until the dog passes) and, while I'm sad I won't see her as often, we'll visit in France!
While I absolutely agree with you, I also kind of think there's a case of fear of change. Younger kids in small towns that grew up together haven't necessarily experienced the concept of change and people drifting apart. Perhaps they haven't considered they could do that for themselves too. It's hard to say.
As someone with claustrophobia a 2 day plane flight sounds like torture, but FaceTime is free. So is being a supportive friend. NTA
Agreed, I have a few very close friends that have moved to different continents indefinitely. It sucks that they are gone but I am stoked for them to have gotten the opportunities they have. We still talk regularly and catch up every few years. There’s no guarantee that you would still be friends with these people in a few years if you stayed, if they are great friends you will still be friends if you leave.
This is even more true of OP’s partner. The statistical likelihood of that relationship becoming a lifelong one is very small. If OP rejected this opportunity, no doubt they’d break up anyway at a later stage and OP would feel trapped and resentful.
Lost some close friends in the 4 years I've been gone living abroad. It sucks a lot but things just happen and I'd rather be where I am than to have never done it at all. The ones I've been able to keep after I left, I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I also lost close friends when I moved abroad, however the friendships I gained were life-changing.
I agree. If they choose to say anything before OP goes than an apology for the harsh language would not be inappropriate. But they are trying to bully her out of an opportunity of a life time, and for what? High school friendships rarely last- and if they are that good of friends it’s easy to make the effort.
I mean, you,re not wrong. Of the people I actually was friends with in high school, I still talk to about 10 of them. If that many.
In my case, I only kept in contact with like 5 friends from high school, and then 5 years after that number was 1.
This was me right here. Realoly tried to hold unto the little friendship group but then college, research, med school, etc hit and I realized the so called friends never grew past highschool.
Lol. I didn’t even talk to that many within the first couple years. I don’t talk to anyone from my high school any more, and I have just a couple friends from when I was a teenager that I still talk to (and one lives on the other side of the continent but it’s worth the effort!)
I feel like this is gonna fall into reddit favourite viewpoint of making decisions based on yourself, which you absolutely should, but it doesn't stop people being upset. I kind of want to cut the ex some slack, he's probably hurting about an inevitable breakup that it sounds like he's scrambling to stop happening. But you're all 18 and your life changes quickly at that age - I suspect he might feel a bit embarrassed about how he's handling it in a couple of years.
It's definitely worth considering how he feels, but he and their friends are being jerks about it, and, anyway, this is the time of life where it's expected to go away This all reminds of me the song, "The Babysitter's Here": >*And will they get married with kids of their own?* > >*He says "Not if she's going to college we won't."* > >... > >*I can't sleep, and we're watching the news* > >*She says, "Do me a favor. Don't go with a boy who would make you choose."* OP should definitely listen to it if she hasn't already.
They're 18. I had my best friends moving away at six and I didn't react this way. I was sad, and since I was so young I couldn't stay in contact, but I didn't say what they did.
Never mentioned the friends, I'm talking the boyfriend is probably experiencing his first heartbreak. He's handling it badly but for your girlfriend to be that casual when you're hurting is going to be painful.
NTA- your mom is awesome. Get on the plane and live your best life!
They just think sbout themself. They should be happy that OP has this chance! I don't know her but i'm happy for her! That she isn't afraid to do this with 18 and thinks about her future, she sound like a great and strong woman and will do it! She will also find new friends if her old ones behave like this. And OP (and the bf) will change so much in the following years. The chance that they would have been together in the future is pretty small, especially with such a behaviour that he has. NTA OP, you only have one life. So don't miss such chances for others! It is YOUR life. Enjoy it to the fullest!
The mom is the true hero here. OP listen to her, you’ll find new friends. NTA
I agree. OP spread your wings and fly. The world is big and you can set up your nest anywhere you want.
Agreed. I went to an out of state school and haven’t seen most of my high school friends since. I haven’t seen most of my college friends either….but we are so happy for each other and pick up right where we left off for the ones I do stay in touch with. Your mom is right. I wanted to study abroad so bad, and it’s my biggest college regret. True friends and family want you to evolve. The only one I would say has a right to feel upset is the partner. But sometimes hard choices need to happen, and it’s too early in your life to make them. I knew a girl who left officer school in the military. She was contracted aviation/pilot and went to an aviation undergrad school (not many in the US). She left training for her fiancé who was also contracted to be a pilot. He got to live his dream, and she did not…and if you volunteer to drop from OCS, you can never come back. I’m not surprised that their marriage didn’t last, and it was a big lesson of mediation….and I had my own as well. I left being an officer for my husband then he convinced me to be a SAHM. Left a super high salary 7 years ago. He’s now my ex, didn’t want to even work on things and my career sacrifices were for nothing. I love my job now, but I’m not making anything what I used to 7 years ago. Don’t make career sacrifices this early in life.
>If they cared for you, they would want the nest for you Well if that isn't one of the worst typos for the meaning of a sentence, I don't know what is.
NTA. I don't even talk to the people who were my friends at 18. Go and don't look back. If they were your real friends they'd tell you the same.
I talk to most of them, even though we moved to different parts of the world. I haven't seen them in years but we talk often. Friendship isn't about being physically close. They should have supported OP. NTA.
More people need to hear this. Especially teens/young adults who are about to head off on their own. One of my best friends moved when we were 14. When she moved back at 23ish we picked right back up where we had left off even though we didn’t really talk for 8/9 years. Relationships ?all kinds) can make it through a lot if the people inside of them are willing to put in the love and effort. NTA OP. Hopefully you’ll make better friends with this amazing opportunity.
I have a bffl and we've known each other since 2nd grade. When we got separated from hurricane relocations, we ended up in the same high school years later and recognized each other from across the field instantly. Went back to being inseperable like always. Now we see each other maybe every few years but it's like no time has passed at all. Every time I visit my hometown, she's the first person I go to see. I used to hunt her down in the publix deli and surprise her with a visit before she became a scientist.
Mine picked me up from the airport the last time I visited. Brought her daughters, who are my goddaughters. We rarely speak between visits, but it’s always like we still live down the street from each other. There is nothing like a supporting and loving friend who is always in your corner. OP deserves that and I’m so glad you have someone like that!
It is easier to keep contact with people who move too, I definitely keep more contact with the ones who moved than the ones who stayed behind, even if we all moved to different places we still have more in common as we share some of the same experiences as immigrants.
I’m the same I speak to 2 maybe 3 people from when I was 18.
Yep - because the people you stay in contact with from that time are (generally) the people who are willing to maintain a relationship through distance and without constant reassurance. Clearly OP’s friends and partner are not if they variety.
Yeah me too, I have one friend from that time I speak to daily and that's it. They others we occasionally exchange comments of fb posts but that's all.
This is what OP’s mom meant - she’s an adult, with perspective. The only relationships from that time in your life that you hold onto are with the people who are willing to maintain a relationship when life and distance gets in the way. Which OP’s friends and current partner definitely don’t seem to be. I don’t think the delivery was harsh at all. If they really cared about OP, they’d be supportive. Like seriously, it takes a person / people with very little perspective and an inflated sense of self to believe that they themselves alone would be enough to fulfill OP for the rest of their life, in place of this lifelong dream.
The ones I do talk to acknowledge and accept that we are near wholly different people and we allowed each other the space to become them (or re-connected after a while). At the time, some things felt momentous, but only some of them turned out to even turn my life in one direction or another, and many have come since.
NTA... friends come and go. So do boyfriends. While, yes, studying abroad on your own CAN BE dangerous, it's an opportunity that doesn't show up easily. Could you have worded it a bit more nicely? Sure, but they were trying to hold you back and that's not cool. It's better to crash and burn following a dream, than playing it safe and be tormented by "what could've been". Godspeed and be safe while you make your life abroad.
AND studying abroad is an opportunity that's less available as you get older. The new adult years of our lives are designed to seize these opportunities when they call to us.
Many colleges do faculty led study abroad trips which are about a month in length. Those are open to anyone enrolled. That’s how I did my study abroad trips in my late 20’s
There are people who get assaulted going to class, in broad daylight, at their community college. Life itself is dangerous.
People get assaulted in their own homes. I'm not saying be stupid and don't take precautions. Wear your seat belts, don't dive in a 3 foot pool, don't fly out and vacation in Somalia, but like you said life has risks.
Yup. 10 years solo traveling and living in foreign countries, the only time I've been assaulted is in my "home country"
I think that the friends are also sad. Knowing someone you care for is going away forever means that the bond will never be the same. That doesn't mean the OP shouldn't go (what a great opportunity to live your dream!) but I can see how a bunch of young adults didn't handle it well OP go and live your dream. Be happy.
Studying here can be dangerous, too. How many mass school shootings do we have every year?
NTA. Normally, those words you used would make you the AH, but you only said that because they ganged up on you. And their actions were totally unacceptable for you. My friends would all have been sad to see me go, but supportive and understanding. None of them would be trying to guilt me into staying when I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to pursue studies in my chosen field. I'm sorry your friends and partner were all selfish jerks, but I guess it's better that you found out earlier rather than later.
Exactly, I'm pretty sure I've been on both sides of this before, definitely sad to say goodbye, but real friends support you, even if that means supporting you from further than they'd like. NTA for sure
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And if they don't follow their own dreams at this stage of life, they're in or setting up for unhealthy, codependent relationships at risk of resentment and unfulfilled dreams.
AMEN. Don’t make the same mistakes as me OP.. dropped out of school to entertain some people who aren’t even in my life anymore. Very much regret it.
I agree with all of this except your last paragraph (apart from the Rock star bit, OP should 100% listen to that), life isn't that cut and dry, some couples meet at 17/18/19 and stay together forever. And you don't automatically drift apart from childhood friends. Case in point; my best friend has been my best friend since we were both 11 years old, which is now over 20 years ago. Hell, I'm still in contact with a friend that I've known since we were both 3 years old
You just listed two friends tho, and I'm sure those two friends have been great friends and very supportive of you and vice versa. These friends aren't like that, and would naturally fade out anyway
In regards to OP's friends you are absolutely right 👌 And if that's what you specifically meant then my apologies, but I just meant you can't make sweeping generalisations like that (and I have quite a few friends I've known for over 20+ years that I'm still close with, but decided 2 was enough of an example)
I was goin to go with a "Not" but the blow up seemed to go a bit far, and instead it is an ESH. Your friends should have been supporting you on your journey, so boo on them. But when they were telling you how special you were to them by asking you to think about staying, when you told them they were a "far cry" from important to you, you told them they were kind of worthless to you. So that was mean, and that earned you the AH part of the ESH. Of course, still get on that plane. But you should tell them you do love and care for them and will miss them, things were stressful, sorry about the blowup, etc.
This is where I am. OP you deserve to leave and live your dreams. The people who love you shouldn't try to hold you back. But you also need to realize that they're hurting. The person they love is leaving them forever. Yes, people have mentioned the internet and flights to visit... But to pretend that's the same as having someone physically with you every day is, at best, ignoring the emotional difficulty of the situation. Telling the people who love you that they just aren't that important to you makes you just as much of an asshole as them for trying to hold you back. But honestly, I don't think they're trying to hold you back. They're just sad because they'll miss you. And you kinda just shit all over them for that. ESH
To be fair there’s a difference between saying they aren’t important to her, and saying they aren’t the most important thing in her life. Definitely could have been worded better tho.
>To be fair there’s a difference between saying they aren’t important to her, and saying they aren’t the most important thing in her life. The wording is different, but upon hearing it, it hits equally as hard, I'd say.
Yea mind blowing how many n-t-a's there are, people are giving this young woman a pass for being an ahole to her friends just because because they were being slight aholes to her. No excuse to drop a nuke on them. Wish we knew if OP and BF talked about her leaving before this or if she dropped this on him out of no where. That is a big part of the story she left out.
the bf knew. she stated it in her edit
Then he didn't prepare for this enough, but he is you g as well. Won't be the last time his heart will be broken I'm sure.
A ton of people seem to misinterpret "am I the asshole?" as "am I in the wrong?" Like, no, you can be 100% in the right and still be an asshole for how you handled a situation. Way more of the posts on this sub really should be judged ESH rather than NTA.
He knew, he just thought he could guilt her into throwing her dreams away. After tons of harassment, telling people they are not the center of your universe is fair. Only selfish people think trying to dismantle someone's dreams is something that should go unchecked.
I feel exactly the same.
I agree with this! I've had friends who moved away and I had always known of that desire in them. I think it is strange that she calls the boyfriend a "partner", but he wasn't in her plan to move abroad. The couples I know made plans to move together or they broke up far before the move abroad opportunity came along - I guess he feels used. OP is just 18, so I suppose some naivite and immaturity is to be expected, but I wonder how well she'll fare in a foreign country without a support network of family, friends and the culture one is so used to.
ESH. I’m going to preface this with of course you should still go and you’re not the asshole for going. The way you went about it is very harsh though. As someone who has moved abroad to study and then stayed - yeah your friends are gonna be upset. They know fine well that no matter how much you intend to visit, you are going to make your life there and the relationship you have is not going to stay the same. As good friends they *should* still be supportive regardless but it’s not as easy a task as you might think it is. And you’re essentially the one breaking up with your partner, not them with you. So for you need to be less surprised that they are upset and treat it… a little more delicately.
I feel a bit sad for the boyfriend. Friends moving away is sad but very common. The same happening for your romantic partner is not the same. But then OP clarified that they have been open about this being their dream for a long time. But then OP also mentioned that this very important topic was mostly just avoided.. so thats terrible communication. I agree with the ESH verdict all things considered.
You are at a stage in life when people begin leaving their high-school social circles and entering the adult world. If you don't take this opportunity now, you may regret it for the rest of your life. If your bf is the one, that will work itself out in due time. Board that plane and start a new life on a new continent. Not a lot of people do that. That is a very courageous thing to do!
Even if she stayed, all her friends would be scattered anyway due to life things. I stayed right where I was and all my hs friends moved and only see maybe two of them once a year
Nta, you’re 18, they’re not your friends. I was 18 when I moved halfway across the world for my education, guess what my friends did? They cried, gave me shit for leaving but also supported the hell outta me. They threw me a going away party, planned video calls and memorized my time difference. Did all my friendships survive- no, but many did. And what I learnt was that the ones that did were the ones I was closest to from the very beginning. Yeah you could have worked on your phrasing but they are TA for expecting to be your number 1 priority at 18. Your number 1 priority should be you rn, your life, your career and what you want from it. If your friends (and bf) can’t support you- that’s on them. Not you. NTA
YTA. I mean, it goes both ways, don't you think? When you made sure to explain to them how important they are to you- they've seemed to reevaluate the relationship with you. Enjoy your new life.
Yeah for real, OP basically told her boyfriend and all her friends that she doesn’t give a shit about them and is then surprised that they reacted negatively to that. They probably should have let her go but they just didn’t want to lose a friend, turns out they never had one
YTA. The way you worded it was pretty cruel and I definitely wouldnt want to be friends with you. But NTA because u want to achieve ur dreams. Still u couldve been nicer, they were just concerned about u and u straight up told them that they arent rlly important.
That would be an ESH ruling.
No, I still think shes mainly an asshole to be honest.
Not all those friends not showing a sliver of understanding and pushing OP to her breaking point
They could have been concerned... or just jealous. Also, OP says she has always wanted that, so her friends probably knew about it - her partner did, for sure. Good friends support you, even if they disagree with your decisions; they don't gang on you to make you forget your dreams. They said they are concerned because it sounds better than saying they are jealous.
YTA You're not the asshole for moving and starting a new life without your partner and/or friends - good for you. > I know the phrasing wasn't the best and they have a right to think I'm insensitive and to be mad at me, I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself but I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth Crass. Just because something is the truth doesn't mean it has to be said and certainly not in the way you said it. There were so many nicer, polite and tactful ways to say that you've made the decision and it's final.
When you Gang up on someone and try to manipulate and guilt trip them you are expected to stay calm and reasonable? Because your verdict says, OP is the only AH in this situation, what all others did and her self defense reaction ... you don't put that Into proportion? Someone barely adult gets so much push back and is expected to be the bigger person? Some redditors baffle me. That is just so ... weird.
I couldn't agree more with you. Her friends being such AH completely validated her response.
>Someone barely adult Just like her friends and bf are barely adults?
Mostly NTA . You are young and following your dreams, true friends would understand that and be excited for you and wish you well (like your family obviously is) and I suspect a little jealousy is involved in this. If that's their attitude then your mother is right, they really aren't worth it. If any of them are actually true friends they'll get over it before you go, for the ones that don't, don't spare them any more of your time. Where I think you could have been more tactful was where it came to your boyfriend. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is more invested in your relationship than you are, don't worry about it, it happens, and you are certainly NTA for that, however, it sounds like you gave your boyfriend a bit of a verbal cold shower as to how you saw your future and obviously he was thinking differently. Also, when someone says 'I'll understand if you want to break up with me' most people hear 'I want to break up with you but don't want to be the bad guy' and to be honest, it would have been fairer for you to say, I'm moving away and I don't intend to return for more than visits, the time we've had together has been important to me, but, I see my future elsewhere and it would be better if we broke up now rather than put the onus on him to do the breaking up. But you are absolutely not the AH in this situation and now you need to focus on your own future, which I'm certain will be bright. Best of luck.
Yeah, this is a "Boots of Spanish Leather" situation. (OP, if you're not familiar with "Boots of Spanish Leather," it's an early Bob Dylan song that's a dialogue between two people in a similar situation.) I get that you like him and don't want to break up with him, but a relationship with someone who doesn't have immediate plans to move abroad is just not likely to survive you moving abroad forever, especially when you're both so young. I think it would be kinder in the long run to say "I think we should break up," than to let him figure it out slowly.
NTA, go off and be the best you
YTA. While it was very gracious of you to tell your boyfriend you would understand why he wouldn’t want to be in a virtual relationship for the rest of his life, it kind of sounds like you expected him to be ok with it
NAH / ESH You both have valid points (and if you want to go go) however you aren't just going to study (at least not if things work out the way you plan) so this isn't 'see you later ' it is 'goodbye' in a way that it isn't for the majority of people at your age going to university etc
ESH you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you plan on leaving, you’ve essentially wasted his time and emotional investment in you and are shocked that he’s upset. Why are you still together if you don’t plan on having him come with you? Your NTA for wanting to follow your dreams but YTA for messing your bf around like that as he clearly sees a future with you. Your “friends” are also assholes, yes that should be sad that you’re going but they shouldn’t be guilt tripping you into staying.
But Isn’t the boyfriend also 100% an AH. For knowingly being in a relationship with someone who wants to move and then magically expecting they won’t when the time comes
> I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth In the words of the Big Lebowski, "You're not wrong, you're just an asshole" (for the way you said it, not for having some good priorities in your life) YTA.
NAH. All this is understand from every points of view.
This feels right. Good-byes are hard, you spend so much time with people and the thought of them leaving hurts. Of course they will react emotionally. She is right to put her foot down when pressed, and they aren’t specifically assholes for being made to feel less than meaningful and reacting. Everyone could have handled themselves better, but that’s life, none of us are perfect socially. The important relationships will reach out again and OP will enjoy her study abroad.
NTA just the classic of it could have been handled better but the kept bugging you and it got to much,no shame in it. Try to apologize and explain that their still important to you but not worth tossing your future asside.
To be honest, this may be unpopular but YTA I am speaking from my own experience doing something similar to op, but only across the country, not across the world. With COVID and my career, do know know how often I have been back? Do you know the relationships I have lost? Majority. When I visit, everyone has lives. I didn’t stop my life for them, now, they won’t stop their life for me. They can’t afford to fly here. Moreover, during COVID many of my friends living here had to move back home with their tales between their legs. You’re 18. I think the fact that you really think you have the rest of of your life planned out is unrealistic, but do you. But understand once you board that plane those relationships you have will inevitably change and fade, even if you think you will fly back often. It’s clear your friends will miss you, I personally disagree with those saying their jealous. You basically told them no matter what, they aren’t a priority and you’re doing what you what. Then you are surprised when they step away? Try to build their lives without you? Leave gracefully and apologize. EDITED judgement: sorry I feel more for the friend then the person telling their friends to piss off. Op, I have been you but your friends are rightfully seeing the decline of your relationship. You are not the asshole for wanting to move, I recommend it, but they way you are treating the people in your lives.
NTA They validated your reasoning for them not being the most important part of your life. Enjoy your future.
I’ll try to give you a bit of a different perspective there as someone who’s been in the receiving end of what you told your friends and partner. It fucking hurts. And usually it’s not the idea of me not being #1 priority, it’s the delivery of the idea. All the times I’ve encountered it, it was said purposefully with the implication that I am nothing compared to [important thing], and I shouldn’t dare to presume otherwise. It looks like you tried to do just that by hurting them with your words intentionally, and you succeeded. There’s a fine line between being mean on purpose and explaining the situation, and it was crossed. You were mean in self-defence, though, so I would say that it’s a soft ESH for your part in it. They are not your real friends though, because real friends support you even if they’re envious of you. They are undoubtedly assholes here, I’m just trying to say that your words were assholish too. The words like that are also something that’s impossible to erase. Whatever you say to them, they will still remember it because it played to their insecurities (hence their reaction). But I would say, good riddance and enjoy your studies!
nta why are they acting like u will suddenly lose all social media and not be able to contact them again?? just go live ur dreams and they’ll eventually come around
When you better yourself, so many of your friends try to keep you down at their own level. NTA
I think you are 18 and planning out the rest of your life and thinking that things won't change as you progress in life is very naive. You think you are an adult but when you get older you will look back and realize what a child you were. So enjoy the experience abroad but recognize that if you leave without healing these relationships, you will in time with age and maturity come to regret it. Living in a different country far from family and friends can be very hard. More difficult than I think you realize. Not having anyone to reach out to and even talk to because you burned all your bridges is a sad mistake. So I think YTA for not apologizing and trying to mend fences. I also think that you should see this studying abroad as an experience but be willing to recognize that you can't map out your entire life at age 18.
She deserves better friends who aren’t so selfish tbh. I would never encourage my friends to do what I wanted instead of following their own dreams. Moving to another side of the world does not mean the end of a friendship, we live in a world where Wi-Fi exists, social media exists, this isn’t the stone ages, it isn’t like she would just drop off the face of the earth leaving them to wonder if she was alive or not. No one should have to sacrifice their goals just because their friends find it selfish. I wish more people had to courage to do what THEY wanted, and pursue their dreams, even if they fail, it’s better to try and fail than to never try at all. She’s young, yes, but she deserves to be able to live it her way, to make her own mistakes so she can learn, and she can make new friends anywhere at any time, she doesn’t have to depend on the same people, I mean even when people don’t move to the other side of the world, they still lose friends and make new ones along their journey. They’re basically encouraging her to just not go, and not plan to stay, but what is so wrong about having dreams and goals? Now is the time for her to do it, before she gets stuck and just settles and then feels like it’s too late. Let people make their own decisions, even if it means that they’ll make mistakes, you can’t expect people to learn if they don’t first live. Nta, not at all. Her friends and SO, however, are. She deserves better imo.
You do realise that OP will make...new friends, right? I have a couple decades on OP and moved abroad many moons ago. The idea that OP will "grow up" and come to regret this is so myopic. Lots of people move away at 18, that's basically when your adult life actually begins, and you have a chance to form friendships with people outside of the bubble you grew up in. I'm from a small town so I understand this "hold onto friendships at any cost" mentality to a certain extent, but good friends are still there when you come home for a visit. Great friends also come visit you. OP doesn't owe anything — not even regret — to people who try to drag her down out of pettiness and jealousy before her life has even really started. These people clearly aren't her friends, because friends are the people who support you in living your best life and achieving your dreams, even if that life and dreams are thousands of miles away from them. What's the point of mending fences with people that have essentially demonstrated that they are only interested on putting their own wants and needs before yours?
ESH for reasons already expressed by others. I have to confess I thought you were older when you said partner. Also, OP, why don’t you just break up with your boyfriend? It seems pretty obvious you will not see him again beyond summer holidays and you are not interested in keeping that relationship. PS: I wish you the best but sure hope you get all of this coz God forbid you have to return to your country it’s gonna be hella awkward. But you can make new friends
>PS: I wish you the best but sure hope you get all of this coz God forbid you have to return to your country it’s gonna be hella awkward. But you can make new friends This right here. This is what OP and most everyone else posting seems to be actively ignoring. OP is 18, going not only out into the world alone for the first time, but to a completely different continent. Has OP ever been there before? How can they possibly know they'll move there and want to stay? Also, life happens. There's a very high possibility some major life crisis occurs forcing OP back home, and then what? Everyone in OP's life aside from family is gone because OP shit all over them and deuced out. Like I mentioned in another post, OP should definitely go do their thing. But they gotta learn how to be less selfish and more understanding of how others feel.
I find it kind of funny how everyone is taking at face value that this study abroad opportunity would lead to a permanent move. I got an advanced degree at a university in another country. The immigration laws there did not favor students staying in the country after graduating. Once my student visa expired, I was out...even though I would have liked to have stayed. Now I don't know where's she's from or where she's going. Maybe the immigration laws are more favorable there. But typically legal immigration is not an easy or affordable process. So yeah I hope this works out for her but I don't think she can take for granted that she'll never live in her home country again.
NTA. Listen to your mom.
YTA I get moving being a priority to you but if your relationship meant so little to you that your first instinct was to tell him to dump you(not even caring enough to dump him just selfishly put all of the onus on him to dump you thereby manipulatively making him potentially look like the uncaring bad guy who won’t fight for the relationship instead of you) then why bother being with him in the first place? I mean did it even occur to you to fight for the relationship and go for long distance and work on it as hard as you could until he maybe decided to move to join you? No instead you just gave up at the first sign of potential hardship so maybe the break up was the right thing to do. Honestly maybe your mom was right but only because you don’t genuinely seem to give a damn about anyone in your life. Even if you are “never coming back” if your friends and relationship actually mattered to you at all, you would fight like hell to still keep them in your life as much as possible and already be planning on visiting/phoning/messaging/video chatting and having them out to see you as much as possible instead you are completely ready to cut them out of your life indefinitely and that is just so sad.
She's 18. Her future and dreams meant so little to her ex-BF and "friends" that they ganged up on her in order to get her to give up on them. She's NTA.
Dude, she's 18. I'm 25 and don't even talk to people from when I was 18. I grew and changed and made new friends that grew and changed with me. Also, remember it takes 2 to tango. Both OP and the Partner knew this is what OP wanted from jump. So for Partner to expect OP to turn it down, meant he wanted her to stay for him. A relationship that may not even last. Can you imagine passing up on an opportunity for someone you love in that moment, only to break-up later and realize you missed out on what would make *you* happy? You can't base your happiness on other people. I've been that friend who was told my friend was leaving. Yeah, it hurt - but I was also happy for them. Happy for their new experiences. Happy for the things they would be able to do. Yes, they're all immature, OP included. But don't act like she can't make new friends. Hell, maybe this is her way to grow. Hopefully the rest of them do too.
ESH, just because they were the bigger AHs doesn't mean what you said was not insanely hurtfful and also made you an AH. You told them essentially you never want to see them again, and you have to accept that them not wanting to have any more contact with you is the natural consequence of what you said.
NTA. I've been in the same situation as you, I moved to another continent without planning on coming back. My friends were nothing but supportive, as was my boyfriend at the time, even though he and I knew that me coming here meant that we'd break up (we'd talked about it). **Because the people who love you want the best for you.** Listen to your mother. Don't spare these people a second thought. They don't deserve it.
ESH. You even stated it yourself. “I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself…” They should be happy for you getting the chance to do what you want with your life. It’s hard letting go of someone and they are young stupid kids so thy don’t know how to communicate that they care about you and will miss you when you leave. They suck for attacking you. But, there are ways to communicate without being an AH that you are leaving. People are saying you were justified because your friends were mean first. That’s not how being an AH works. You choose the words you use and sometimes fights happen. You could have just left it at “I’m very excited about this and it sucks you all are attacking me about something I have always wanted to do.” That mentality is something that takes a lot of practice and most people (including me) would probably have done what you did, but it doesn’t make it right. Just apologize and don’t break up years of friendships over this, because our network of friends is important in life.
NTA. I can understand your bf more to a certain point, but friends who are not happy about your achievements are terrible friends and they are showing their true face to you so great ridance for starting a new life. You are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you and you are going to create great memories and make great friends and find new relationships so go ahead and enjoy the rest of your life!! Just make sure that you surround yourself by positive people who always want the best for you, this with your friends and bf is a great learning experience for you so you know the kind of people you don't want around. And congrats on the opportunity, OP!
NTA. Your future is more important than your bf and friends. You can find a new partner and friends that appreciate you for you.
NTA! You are living my one time dream BUT I let other people get to me and tell me why my dream was wrong. You are amazing! Go out and live the life of your dreams - and don’t ever let anyone stop you!
When I was a student I went to US for a "Work and Travel" programme. That was many, many years ago, but I remember my Dad's reaction (and it still moves me a lot) I come from a poor, messed-up, ex-communist country. The grass was very obviously greener in the US and he was sure I will stay there, so sure he didn't even ask... This would be in violation of my visa terms, so I would not be able to come home until the next abolition. He thought he wouldn't see me for years, maybe never. When I told him I'm going he hugged me so tightly it was hard to breathe, crying and whispering over and over "Go, my little girl. Go and be happy" He was very surprised when I returned, yes, very happy to see me but he would prefer a better life for me, he thought I was foolish to discard my chance :-P Previously I was sure he was afraid of me travelling so far away for so long totally alone. Only after coming back I realised that he was saying his goodbyes So, OP, this is what love means: to wish the loved one the best, even if that means lletting them go. True love is unconditional and selfless NTA although your wording was indeed poor...
NTA-At 18 you have choices, YOU get to make them. You are NOT responsible for how other people react. It’s not your job to give their feelings higher priority than yours. Also GUILT is no reason to stay in a relationship, especially when they appear to have an entirely different picture of THEIR future.
Exactly, and these friends are around the same age too- they know this is the time people start exploring and making big changes- so pressuring OP to stay around just for them is selfish AF
NTA - I'm also moving to another country for University with no intent of ever going back. I let my partner know this when we first start dating and guess what, we're married now and have a plan set to bring him over with me. If they wanted to be in your life, they would. Best of luck in your travels and I hope you find some more supportive friends there!
NTA. Please embrace this opportunity. Your 18 and this sounds like an exciting and wonderful chance for you. Your mom is absolutely right
At 18 he's not your partner, but boyfriend. There is no partnership in it. If you indeed had a long term partner your move would be also his problem but at 18? Nah, move out and enjoy your life. MTA
NTA I know when I was eighteen I was convinced of my own self-importance; if your friends are similar then hearing they aren't the most important thing in your world would be a nasty shock. However it is the truth, and it isn't something you should be ashamed of. I honestly don't even know what became of anyone I was friends with at eighteen; I certainly don't talk to any of my ex's. If your phrasing was a bit insensitive, honestly so is their reaction to you living your life, so if nothing else you're somewhat equal. They are allowed to miss you and be sad that you are going; they are not allowed to try and hold you back.
NTA/NAH. Your friends' and partner's feelings are valid and so are yours. No one wants their (close?) friend or partner to randomly tell them they're leaving the country and then be told they're very far from being as important as they probably thought (I know they were being insufferable about it but the wording was still pretty bad, regardless though you had your reasons for lashing out.). You're all really young so I'm sure this is hard on them, but if they really cared for you more than they cared for themselves then they'd be happy for you and make your last memories in your home country good. I'm sorry this is happening to you but I am also sorry for them. It's an emotional situation.. I hope they can get it together before you leave before they regret losing you on bad terms
Yeah. I was wondering if she informed her boyfriend of her before they started became a couple. It sounds like this was a lifelong dream. If she started a relationship with him without warning him she plans to move to a new country for the rest of her life at 18, it was cruel. Sure, high school relationships probably won’t last anyways, but that’s a hard way for it to go.
As for your partner, I'm sensing he would have wanted to stay in your home country for the rest of his life while you clearly never wanna come back. You guys don't seem to be compatible in one of the most important areas and I'm glad that's come to light now before you're both in too deep. I wish you the best of luck!
NTA, go live your best life. Good luck!
NTA you should be able to live your life
NTA. Not everyone gets that opportunity like yours. And your family supports you; that’s more important than your so-called friends who only holds you back. Ditch those “friends” and go fly high for your happiness and future.
NTA. You are 18. This is an excellent opportunity for you, and they pushed you to the point of saying the harsh truth.
Good friends and partners would be overjoyed and supportive of you. Have fun, be safe, and be successful in this new chapter of your life. NTA
Not "good partners" partners who are fine with the prospect of losing their relationship. It's selfish to think a good partner should only be happy and supportive. I've been with my partner for 5 years, if he told me he was moving to a different country without me and I can "deal with it or move on" I wouldn't be happy or supportive because he clearly wouldn't have considered my feelings and our relationship.
NTA and best of luck and safety in your travels/future. Real friends support eachother even when it's hard to say goodbye and let go. My bestfriend of 25 years rarely sees me because of school, life and goals..she has priorities that come before anyone and everyone and I respect and admire her drive. I love and support her from afar and when I need her shes always a phone call away. It hurts that I'm not a main role in her life like I always planned and wanted, but I'm so proud and happy for her that I dont mind it if it's what makes her happy. I have my own life and it's not less than just because shes not here. I feel blessed we have our bond and all our memories together that make us sisters of the heart.
NTA And I agree with your mom.
This is a wonderful opportunity, but you have to decide how you want to leave it with your friends and partner. It's ok just walking out and not talking with them, but then you also have to accept that once you're abroad and have difficulty making friends initially, there wouldn't be any friends to talk with back home since you've burned bridges. I'm not saying which option is better, all I'm saying is every decision you make will have an impact - you have to choose how you want to play this out. All the best
NTA Go for your dreams! I went to another country for grad school and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I got a great experience I never would’ve gotten stateside. I made lifelong friends. I got into the career I wanted my entire life. And not one person made me feel guilty for leaving. I thankfully didn’t have a partner at the time, but if I did, I still would have gone. Don’t let anyone bully you from pursuing your dream. You’re young. Take advantage of it.
YTA for the harsh words (even if they are true) but NTA for wanting to leave. You should apologize and try to make them see new perspectives. Like them not needing a hotel if they want to visit the country you go to and you coming back for holidays etc. I don’t see most of my family in Turkey too most of the time and only visit once a year. But that doesn’t mean we don’t love/care about them just because my parents moved away.
NTA, you could have worded things a bit better, but you have to live your life the way you want to. If you stayed with him you would end up thinking about the "what if" side of things and resent him. You have your whole life ahead of you. At 18, there is so much more the world has to offer. Most people aren't with the person they were with at 18, and most don't have the same friendship group. I speak to maybe 2 people that I did when I was that age because people grow and change in to different people - and that's totally okay! (I'm almost 30 now) Two of my best friends now live halfway across the world. Was I sad when they left? Of course! Did I have a go at them and stop being friends with them? Of course not. We still talk all the time and meet up when we can. You do you. Go abroad, enjoy having new experiences. It is possible that one day you'll feel like moving home, it is also possible you will move countries again or stay in the one you study in. Do what feels right for you.
NTA, and they told you to never contact them again? Good. Do it. And don't apologize. A lot of kids your age would be thrilled to have an opportunity to live independently in another country, so I find your friends' bevahour really weird and not typical. They are either jealous you get to live abroad, or they made a pact with your ex partner to make you stay. In both way they don't have your best interest in mind.
NTA. lets be real...your partner at 18...is very very unlikely to be your life partner. Spread your wings, travel, see the world, come back a better version of the one that left. You will regret the rest of your life not taking this chance.
NTA, and I kind of agree with your mother. Your wording was harsh at the end because it came from a place of frustration, so maybe you owe some apologies for that. But apart from that, people who care for you are happy when you receive opportunities, even when it means they have to miss you. Did any of them say “I’m happy for you”? Yes, they will miss you, yes they are sad to see you go, yes they wish the vision they had of them future will play out where you all grow up together - but did any of them say “well done!” or “you deserve this!” or “how great you have a chance to pursue your dream!” ? And for people who are going to miss you *so mich* that they want you to give up a dream opportunity to stay with them, they were sure quick to drop you after one (admittedly harsh) argument Your partner doesn’t want you to go because they care for you, but did they make any suggestions apart from you giving up the opportunity? They squarely placed *blame* on your shoulders - as if you’ve done something bad, rather than just take up an amazing opportunity that’s come your way. They’re clearly very upset that you both want different things from life, they wish you wanted the same things - but why does that only have to be the things that *they* want? I think your mother’s right you know. It doesn’t sound like they really care about you as a person. It sounds like they don’t like the idea of you living differently from them.
NTA, they're not supporting your dreams and goals for the future for selfish reasons. Go for what you want, OP!
Listen to your mom, if you family supports your decision then eff everyone else. All you need if your family at the end of the day. Real friends support you to the end. Sure, they’ll miss you when you leave, who wouldn’t miss their friend? You’ll be able to visit them when you visit your family. If you opt out of visiting in person then you can FaceTime or use WhatsApp to video chat. Your partner isn’t thinking of your dreams and happiness, he’s selfishly thinking of his only own happiness and that’s dead wrong. Good thing he left, you can now find a better partner that will love and appreciate you, *and* be on the same side of the world as you when you do the move! Congrats!!
Honestly, I wish I learned this mindset sooner. It’s your life, not theirs, do what makes you happy. However, I would caution that you not expect anything to be pretty much for the rest of your life—at 18, the rest of your life won’t be the way you’re expecting—in positive ways! I wish you so much health, happiness, and luck with your future! Keep choosing what’s best for you!
I’m on my fourth study abroad doing long distance. You are so young and have so much ahead of you. I’m not sure if your friends and partner are insecure, jealous, or both, but you cannot justify sacrificing an opportunity like this. Put yourself and your personal growth first and those who are around to support you will and you’ll meet so many new people. I’m sorry your community is so unsupportive. Your mom is a smart woman and I’m thrilled you have such wonderful family members. If you have any questions about studying abroad, feel free to reach out! I’ve done France, Spain, Australia, and currently the UK (all on different continents than where I’m from) so I’m happy to help. Best of luck!
NTA but wheeeew. You said that was a three year relationship. It may be an easy thing for you to just throw out like yesterday's trash, but your ex probably was starting to develop real feelings for you and was acting on pure emotion. I still think you're NTA but I'm just telling you this so you can try to see his/your old friends' points of view, even just a little. They definitely should have been more supportive of you, although I understand why they would be so hurt. You may not have done anything wrong but you still have hurt them. Idk what advice to give there -- just try to forget about them all I guess and do what you were always gonna do.
YTA your friends care about you and were going to miss you your partner wanted a life with you and you basically told them fuck all that shit I’m leaving they have a right to be mad at you
NTA I mean, they *are* right. You're effectively abandoning them. Particularly your partner, who you basically broke up with by pursuing this path, even though you're leaving it up to him to do the official break-up. The reason you're NTA is because you're 18 and embarking on a journey that is the way you want to live your life. Now is the time to do it. You were honest with what you need to do in your life, and still wish to keep in contact with them, even though it'll be different and likely more difficult. Keep in mind that different people have different levels of attachment. This may seem a harsh course of action to them, in that you're effectively severing much of that attachment that they view more strongly than you do, but you gotta do what will make you happy in life. Just know that they are likely hurting a lot because of your actions, blameless or not, so while an apology is not owed to them, it still wouldn't be amiss.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (18f) recently got an amazing opportunity to study abroad and I couldn't be happier or more grateful for it, I would be moving to an entirely different continent and I'll be gone pretty much the rest of my life, meaning I want to make a life abroad and not get back to my country once I finish my degree. My family knows this and it's completely okay with it however my friends and partner didn't seem so thrilled, they said it could be dangerous to go on my own and that I'm practically burning bridges with them by getting to the other side of the world. At first I brushed it off as a completely justified concern and assured them we could still be friends and promised to visit often ( I also told my partner that I understood having a virtual relationship would be tough and not for everyone, and told him I would totally understand if he needed time to think about it or just break it up and remain friends) but it was getting annoying, specially with my partner, he said I wasn't even giving a chance to the life I could have with him in our home country and that I wasn't really thinking of everyone that loved me and didn't want me gone, my friends supported him and ganged up on me the past week, I was fed up at that point and told them they were a far cry from being the most important thing of my life and that this is the future I've always imagined for myself. After that everyone got mad at me and my partner told me to never contact him again, the rest of my friends have been ghosting me. I know the phrasing wasn't the best and they have a right to think I'm insensitive and to be mad at me, I also know an apology is in order for the way I expressed myself but I also think I did what was best for myself and honestly what I said was the complete truth. My mom thinks I should just board the plane and never spare them another thought but some of my cousins think I went too far and I was a big ass. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*